#i did this on an app on my phone i think ill make a real flag later

[jisungiesvzz]

You Need To Eat Well

Han Jisung x fem!reader

Warnings: eating disorder, panic attack, anxiety, throwing up, fluff at the end?

Word Count: 1.8k

P.S. This is my first post so please let me know if I’ve missed warnings! Also, this is NOT proof read so send in any typos or wtvr lol.

----------------

It was around lunch time when you were with Jisung and his members in their practice room. They were arguing over a particular dance move while you lay on the couch in the corner, mindlessly scrolling through a social media app. 

“Alright enough!” Bangchan said, raising his voice a bit.

You flinched slightly at his sudden unexpected tone change. The members went silent but Jisung stared at you, noticing your sudden movement. You noticed him staring and quickly went back to looking at your phone.

“Clearly we are all frustrated with each other and arguing isn’t going to get us anywhere.”

The other members nodded their heads in agreement as a bunch of sighs went around the room.

“You’re right,” Changbin chimed in. “It is a little past lunchtime, let’s grab something to eat and start up again after.”

You shuttered at the idea of eating in a group.

“Yeah, I could really use some food.” Hyunjin agreed. The other members simultaneously shuffled off to their bags to grab what they needed before regrouping at the door.

You saw a shadow approaching you and you set down your phone, sitting up to see who it was.

Jisung.

“You should come with us, you need to eat too.”

“Uh… yeah no I’ll go with you guys.” You replied back, making sure to avoid the part about you actually eating.

You grabbed your phone and wallet and walked out the door with the group. You tried to subtly walk behind the members to avoid the topic of food without making it obvious. Seungmin and I.N were debating very loudly over which ramen place would be better to eat at. Hearing the word ramen made you feel physically ill. You did your best to put on a smile but Jisung noticed you were a little pale and matched your pace to walk next to you. 

“How are you feeling? You look a little pale.” He asked, trying to sound calm but his concern was more evident in his voice than he intended.

“Oh I’m pale? I feel fine though.” You said trying to sound convincing.

“Are you sure?” He asked, not believing you.

You nodded your head with the best reassuring smile you could muster up. You could tell he didn’t really believe you but before anymore could be said you had arrived at the restaurant.

The group grabbed a table and you tried not to sit next to Jisung to avoid him noticing your eating pattern. You sat next to Felix and Bangchan which made Jisung frown a little but he shrugged it off and sat next to Felix.

Minutes went by and your mood began to change for the better as Felix started excitedly talking  to you about his upcoming Louis Vuitton photoshoot. You slowly forgot about where you were until the waiter came up and started taking everyone’s orders. It came to your turn and you were already dreading everyone looking at you, waiting for you to order. You pretended to look at the menu and then ordered a small appetizer. 

The waiter finished writing down the orders and walked away.

“Y/n-ah you should’ve ordered more, that won’t fill you up,” Lee know stated from across the table.

Your stomach dropped. Everyone was looking at you.

“I uh- I ate a big breakfast, I’m just… not that hungry right now,” you felt so pathetic through the lie. 

“Breakfast was so long ago, we’ll order you some ramen,” Bangchan said, waving down the waiter before you could reject his statement.

The food arrived moments later, and the second the bowl was put in front of you, you felt so nauseous. 

It’s too much food. You look like a pig eating this in front of them, Don’t it eat, they’re judging.

You tried to wait a couple minutes before excusing yourself to the bathroom but you almost threw up just thinking about picking up the chopsticks. 

“I’m gonna head to restroom real quick,” you said quickly and you sped to the bathroom.

You swung the door open, not bothering to lock it behind you. You immediately started belching and throwing up into the toilet. Tears streamed down your face as you continued throwing up. The door cracked open and you faintly heard someone’s worried voice.

“Y/n-ah…?”

A second later, someone was dashing towards you and holding your hair back. You shuttered aggressively once you stopped vomiting and let out a shaky whimper. You felt someone’s hand on your back, rubbing soothing circles on it. 

“What happened...?” You recognized the voice. It was Jisung.

You sighed not wanting to speak.

Jisung grabbed your chin and turned head to look up at him. He looked you in the eyes and he could see the hurt in them.

“Talk to me. Please, Y/n…” he quietly begged.

“I just feel sick, it… it could be a c-cold.” You stammered through your lie.

It was evident in his eyes that he didn’t fully believe you but after a few moments of thought he let it go.

“I’m gonna tell the members you’re not feeling well then I’m taking you home.”

“Ji, I’m fine-”

He cuts you off, “Y/n don’t argue with me. You are sick and you need rest.”

You sighed and gave in, nodding your head. He helped you stand up and headed back to the table to grab your things.

—————

You lay in bed staring up at the ceiling with Jisung laying next to you. It had been quiet for a while, leaving plenty of time for Jisung to think. He noticed you were pale again.

“Do you think you can get down some broth?” He broke the silence.

You internally gagged but he didn’t notice.

“I’m not hungry,” you reply weakly.

He sat up, slightly hovering over you, “Y/n, I’m worried about you. You’re super pale, it’s not normal.”

He thinks you’re ill. You can’t eat. He’ll laugh at you for wanting food.

“Stop, please…” you begged, rubbing your face “I can’t think about food anymore… please, just stop.”

The tears were forming again and that’s when Jisung caught on.

“Are you… Y/n when was the last time you really ate?”

“I told you, I ate this mor-”

He cut you off, “Don’t lie Y/n, when was the last time you ate.”

Silence feel between you two. Tears pricked Jisung’s eyes as his suspicions were confirmed. He didn’t say anything before getting up and leaving the room.

He’s leaving you. He thinks you’re pathetic for not eating. You can’t eat. Don’t eat. He’ll think you’re a pig.

The thoughts kept rolling in and you started to panic, your thoughts consuming you by the minute. A couple minutes go by and Jisung comes back in with a small cup of broth. He sits on the edge of the bed and moves the cup towards your lap. You shake your head but he just looks at you with pleading eyes.

“Think of it as flavored water, yeah? It’s not food.”

“I- I can’t…. I-” 

The panic is setting in. Your breathing became labored and you started shaking uncontrollably. You desperately tried to calm down but everything felt like it was caving in on you; the ceiling, the walls, the mattress pulling you into an endless abyss as you gripped at them tightly. 

Jisung practically threw the cup onto the nightstand as he saw you panicking.

“Hey what’s wrong?” He asked, concern evident in his voice.

You tried to answer but your breath kept getting caught in your throat. You begin clawing at  your chest as you felt like you were about to combust, tears now pouring out of your eyes. Jisung knew you were choking on your words and grew scared that you soon wouldn’t be able to breathe at all. He wrapped you in his arms, your head flesh with his chest.

“I need you to take deep breaths, love” he spoke, trying to sound grounded. “Listen to my breathing.” 

He took a deep breath in and let it out slowly. You roughly tried to follow his breathing but it didn’t seem to be enough. You wanted to speak again but he stopped you.

“Don’t. Please, just… just keep breathing,” he took one of your hands and put it on his chest so you could feel his heartbeat. It was slow and steady, reminding you that he was there with you. He soothingly rubbed your back as your breathing began to slow down and your shaking subsided.

You sniffled softly before Jisung spoke again.

“What’s going on in your head, Y/n? You need to let me in. You’re not okay.”

“I don’t think this is something you can fix.”

“I can try. You don’t have to go through this alone.”

“I… I just feel like I’m constantly getting judged by people when I eat. I’m constantly comparing myself to how much others eat and I constantly feel like I’m defined by how much, how little, or even what I eat.” You sniffled and blinked trying to hold back your tears again.

‘Oh y/n…” he cooed, rubbing your back and kissing the top of your head. ‘That’s not true. You need to eat well. People care for you and we aren’t judging you.”

Jisung’s voice cracks as he also begins to tear up, “It hurts me to know that you feel this way. But I want you to know that I’m here for you, every step of the way. I’m going to help you through this, okay?”

You lifted your head off his chest, your eyes irritated  and red from crying. You looked him in the eyes and saw his hurt,  but through that hurt you saw comfort, reconciliation and… love. His gaze softened as he cupped your cheek with his hand.

“You are loved. You understand that? I…” he paused for a moment. “I love you.”

Time froze. Your heart melted at his words.

He loved you. 

His eyes flickered from your eyes to your lips. He leaned closer leaving barely any space between you, giving you a chance to back away. When you didn’t move, he closed the gap between you in a melancholy kiss. He conveyed his love for you in that sweet moment and you felt his love radiated throughout you. 

Jisung broke away from the kiss and leaned his forehead against yours, slightly short of breath.

There was a moment of silence between you but that was all you needed. 

“I love you too.”

[chapst1ckmcdyke]

BEAR DYKES BEAR DYKES BEAR DYKES

[rainytomorrows]

Deadpool x reader | Hold me, I can't hold myself.

First things first- this is not necessarily romantic. It can be, but the relationship I've written is neutral. So, I know you guys hear this excuse from me about every damn fic now but. I legitimately have been having the scariest episode of my life. I cannot do it justice in writing but I'm a baby and I want comfort. So I'm writing a fic for it. Yay! Extremely short- sorry. Words: 1,885

Fair warning: Mentions of various mental illnesses such as derealization. Woops! Have fun chat

♡~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~♡

You weren't sure where it came from. All you knew was that it almost burned in your chest. You didn't know up from down- nor left from right. Sure, you could keep yourself together for work. But that was only for the sake of keeping your shitty apartment.

It'd been hours. You lay on the floor, curled up with one of your pillows. You had a bowl next to you, you'd be in your bed if not for the nauseous feeling that crawled up your throat whenever you allowed yourself to think too long. You could feel each inch of your skin, how it scratched itself on the wood floorboard, and how the pillow's fiber was suddenly too rough.

There were no words for it. You were sure even if you'd read the dictionary ten times over- if you'd dragged some professional into the crevices of your brain. It was all-encompassing. And you hadn't told a goddamn person about it. What the hell were you supposed to say? What, along the lines of "I don't have a clue what's going on, but it's almost as if I'm both not real, and somehow way too real", or were you supposed to just mention the constant brain fog? How, unlike the regular joking way you'd said it, you actually couldn't remember what you had for breakfast this morning?

You eventually opted to lay on your back, pillow desperately clutched to your chest. Staring up at the ceiling- it seems to zoom in and out. You were terrified. It wasn't as easy as the depressive episodes you'd experienced- or even the anxiety. There was no comfort. You felt absolutely bat shit crazy. You felt almost stupid, what with how the brain fog left you with about the same amount of thinking power as a goldfish that'd hit its head against the glass one too many times.

It was debilitating, with no comfort for the terror it brought. The inability to feel so much as normal. Stuck in your skin- the feeling that something is wrong pricked at your bones. You pressed yourself against some wall in your house, like if you tried hard enough maybe it'd hug you. Chest heaving as if making up for something. How embarrassed it made you, to have your thumb hover uselessly over the call button so many times. You often thought about calling Wade at times like this, though you never did.

The sight of the ceiling makes you sick, curling back on your side and squeezing your eyes shut. Begging- praying, for a moment of solace. Anything. You were sure that if hell was real, it'd nestled itself in your own muscles. Somewhere under your bones- somewhere you couldn't claw out no matter how many times you'd clutched your chest. Even if you'd clutched hard enough to draw blood, no more grounded with the feeling of it smudging your skin and your clothes. When fatigue pulls at you like a ship dragging its anchor among the coral- even sleep couldn't seem to save you.

Your phone was discarded somewhere beside you- you'd tried to play something to no avail. Unsure if anything would help, as you'd tried everything from music to meditation videos, hell you even scrolled your white noise app for something. None of it was as bad as silence, eventually settling for some nature noises. You didn't bother trying to call Wade this time, even if you never did anyways. He'd gone on a mission and was supposed to be gone another week. You had enough common sense and brain power to put that together.

Between it all- you hadn't noticed the noise at your window. Far too distracted by the task of staying together. Gripping your arms tightly, as if you were afraid you'd fall apart if you didn't hold on tight. That maybe some part of your soul would slip through the cracks. Thoughts were louder than thunder, your parents weren't there to comfort you and hell you were sure god wasn't either. Sobs raked at your chest and never left, in constant limbo against the very flesh of your throat.

Knocking rattles the glass and the cheap painted wood, Wade's usual warning that he was coming one way or another. He was used to a lack of an answer- before though, it was attributed to how often you'd have your headphones in. He'd find you so he could sneak up, and pull you in his arms when you least expected it. And whether he knew it or not, probably when you most needed it. So when he eventually shimmied your window open, not to find the sound of your hums nor even the appearance of light under your bedroom door. Pillows and blankets were strewn, far more than you'd usually allowed even on messy days.

It didn't take long to be drawn to the sound of labored breaths just beyond your bed. Audibly struggling to bring air in or out of your lungs, like an alien learning how to breath for the first time. He ventured cautiously, peaking around the bed to see you. Your hair is tousled, you're sweating through your shirt and your eyes are puffy. He'd never seen you so- frantic. Unnerved.

He wasn't even sure how to approach it. Afraid that he'd set you off.

It took a few moments- maybe too long, frozen in thought. Maybe that alone was a start- breathing not in accordance but maybe in succession. Your lungs fought for something to hold onto, struggling with the way that air couldn't ever seem to really fill you. If Wade were to catch up, you'd have to slow down. But, when have you ever really done that? You seemed to have a thing for running.

He eventually decided to bite the bullet, carefully kneeling beside your body and placing a hand on your shoulder. Impossibly slow- one would wonder if it was really him piloting his body now. It may not be. He himself had experience with this, he had many of his own problems. But never did he see you like this. You'd always seemed to have control, often fixing whatever the hell he'd done that week. You'd seemed so- stable. So, when at the feeling of his touch you jolted, it pulled at his heart.

"Wade," You croaked out, surprised. Obviously. He didn't speak. What was he supposed to say? He'd normally make some stupid joke to lighten any situation- not often did he know how to seriously comfort someone otherwise. If ever.

Something about how you quivered told him you weren't just crying over some situation. Your eyes searched, not for something it seemed. As though lost, a ship off course. Something held his words back, even if he did have some joke to make.

He approached you slowly, like one would approach a raccoon in a trap. Like a cornered animal. He took off his mask- something he didn't do often. Feeling as though you really needed to be able to see his eyes, you really needed to see another person. His hands eventually found purpose at your sides, pulling you into a hug. Your legs were like jello, simply dragging along as he held you tightly. Holding you as if he also feared you'd slip out. Words didn't form on your lips like you'd tried, mouth hanging open for a moment before you only managed to break into tears again. You were embarrassed, tears soaking his shoulder. He did not relent, one of his arms around your body and one hand holding the back of your head.

"Help," You didn't even know what that was supposed to mean. How could you? The air around you seemed too thick and the wall in front of you looked wrong somehow. You weren't sure if he understood, holding you tightly still as he began to rock. "It's ok, you're gonna be alright" He forced out, sort of unsure. This clearly wasn't his forte at all. But, he was trying. Where you were sure god either couldn't find you- or didn't bother to- solace had crawled through your window. Among the thoughts and the still-present terror you couldn't seem to shake, he picked you up to set you on the bed. He'd meant to move to be in front of you. Only separating so he could look you in the eyes.

"Please, I don- please." Your voice creaks and waivers like the wood used to build old ships on their last days. Begging for something you weren't even sure of. Pleading like a man at the altar. "Don't leave, I'm sorry," You rambled on as though the words couldn't form themselves. "I'm sorry- Y/N. I won't, I can stay all night"

He pats your side comfortingly as he pulls you back in, as quickly as he can. Holds you like a lifeline. "How about I just get out of this suit, and I'll be right back? I won't even leave the room" He speaks softly, uncharacteristically so. It's just shy of a whisper, keeping his eyes on yours. In search of something your mouth can't say.

It took a minute, but he slipped out and quickly shoved on some pjs he kept on top of your dresser. He rushed back over like a kid playing musical chairs. Drags you into his arms and onto him, crashing like waves against the rocks. Sobs tear through your chest again, rattling in your ribcage somehow like the tail of a rattlesnake.

"I know, I know," He coos, but he doesn't He has no idea and he's terrified. "I'm here," He says to himself just as much as he does to you. But it's true this time, he's there and he doesn't leave.

So when he stays with you- all the while just as clueless the whole way. He listens, even if your babbling is nonsensical. If it's a lot of variations of "I'm scared" and "I don't know", he begs something to give him an idea of how to help you. You stay that way until you fall asleep, exhausted from crying. You sleep before him, as you doze off he stays awake a while longer. Playing with your hair, the moonlight cast against the two of you. His brows- or I suppose where they would be, furrow. You didn't say a fucking thing about this to him, and frankly, he was caught far off guard.

He's still there when you wake up, now asleep. Even so his hold on you is firm. His suit is strewn across the floor from the night before, both phones long forgotten somewhere on the floor among it. It still burned in your chest- threatened to crawl out, and something ugly still nestled itself in your chest. But, this time, Wade had answered a call you never made. God forgive him for not knowing what to do, he did something right. You laid against him again whilst trying to find whatever comfort you could in what you now had. You'd have to explain this once it passed, but for now, you didn't have to explain a thing. He wasn't leaving. Finally, like an anchor that finally found sand, you stopped. The wood of your boat stopped creaking and you fell asleep a second time.

♡~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~♡

Sorry again for the lack of posts! I'm slightly a little bit mid-episode but I think I'm past most of it. very scary. But- I won't rant to you guys about that. That's what writing fanfic is for. Hope you all enjoyed!

Have a good day/night, and a great life!

[bloomsberries]

There’s something unreal about writing after not having done it for what feels like years. To dive back into something after you feel like you’ve lost your ability to do it, feels like a miracle. It shouldn’t. Writing isn’t magic. But, somehow, when you’re unable to do it, it feels very much like a spell, like some conjuring only accessible to those with special knowledge, or gifts.

This is all to say that I disconnected myself from the world for a full week and I took long walks, read novels, deleted my podcast app, have thrown my phone in a drawer for most of the waking day, and am allowing myself the sensation of having nothing to do with my mind except think of things that don’t have anything to do with the real world. I am allowing myself to create without obstruction. And whether it’s shitty or not, I don’t care. I was not allowing myself a second that wasn’t used up by audio feeds or newsfeeds or all manner of things that I felt I should know and consume because what would happen if I didn’t? The truth is nothing would happen if I didn’t know. If, in that day or that week or maybe that month, something happened and I didn’t know about it? Nothing would happen. And so I need to disconnect. I need to do it, for my own self-preservation. I’m locking out the world because the state of it often makes me ill and it steals my creativity.

And after allowing myself to live for a few days without the weight of all that’s happening what feels like everywhere, I decided it’s okay to do that. For a while, maybe for a long while if necessary, it’s okay to disconnect from the horrors, from everything, and do something for your own health and creativity. I was starving without writing. It was killing me. I thought I would never be able to do it again and that made me so sad. In the last few days, I wrote 1000 words, and I now know I can write more.

Did I write something that will change the world? No. But it changes my world, and that’s enough.

[ana-snz]

My Dashboard is broken and I can’t see anything at all but tbh it’s kind of perfect timing bc I’m a bit burnt out and probably (hopefully) gonna take a lil break from here. Unfortunately with how much mental energy I’ve exerted over the past few days I’m crashing pretty badly and need to just turn my brain off for a little bit to recharge.

I know a handful of folks think this whole thing was overblown and unnecessary, but I think it did serve to highlight some underlying problems in the community. It sucks to see this pattern of minimization and dismissal that so many of us disabled folks are familiar with in the real world repeat in what is supposed to be a fun place to escape and enjoy ourselves. No one wants unnecessary drama or to argue over something like this, but disabled people also don’t want to be spoken over or dismissed when we’re trying to voice our concerns and point out ableism when we see it. Of course everything can be taken too far, policing the ways people can and cannot express or enjoy themselves on their personal blogs is also not a good or healthy thing to do, but occasionally pointing out harmful rhetoric when it occurs is part of all healthy kink spaces and helps keep our community safe, and it is disingenuous to equate that with being puritanical or overly rigid or moralistic.

Also I think it’s worth mentioning that yes, at the end of the day this is an online community and none of it is That Serious, but by nature of it being it a kink space it is also quite vulnerable and I don’t think it’s abnormal for people to want to feel safe and accepted in it, and that includes other people being respectful of the IRL shit we’ve all got going on, because we’re all real people outside of this app.

I will probably still be lurking (since I’m housebound I have very little accessible to me besides low-pressure scrolling on my phone) and depending on how long this particular crash lasts I might not be gone too long, but just wanted to give a heads up & also remind all my fellow disabled baddies to give themselves a little extra love & compassion this week. It might not seem like a big deal, but getting involved in this kind of discourse (idk why I keep using this word lol, my brain’s just latched onto it) can be more mentally taxing than we realize as it’s often tied to health / medical trauma for many of us.

I hope this doesn’t sound too ✨dramatique✨ lol I just want to highlight that with illnesses that impact energy levels, even things that are important and meaningful to us can put our bodies over their limit and make us sicker, so it’s crucial to make sure we’re pacing properly and taking good care of ourselves. This is supposed to a fun space and if it’s starting to feel more stressful than enjoyable, it’s probably a good idea to take a little break. Love y’all.

(Oh look, another long post! Haha a bitch likes to talk 📢)

[fairykazu]

CHAPTER NINE: AN INVITATION

the sun peeked out through the blinds, scaramouche's eyes fluttering open. his hand patted around the bed, as if something or someone was missing. jolting up when he realized that the feline was gone, he looked around, worried. just before he remembered, he wasn't my cat. he's name's cat. but even though, he had only spent a fraction of living with tofu versus tofu with name, he felt like he has bonded with the black kitten.

he sighed, stretching back, noticing a new notification on his phone.

// tofu's (real) parent, name: hey, cat thief!

what the hell? he was just thinking of your cat and you texted him. maybe this is a chance. a universe from the gods even. wait what is he thinking? is he really thinking of using you for your cat?

maybe...

he swiped your notifcations open, he has nothing else to do. well, that's a little mean to say. you were nice enough to even be "co-parents" with him. not to mention, all of his friends are busy and childe's probably be out with yoimiya.

what the hell does she mean by be back??

accept call from unknown number?

he accepted the call. "holy shit." your phone was facing you at first until you flipped it to the ceiling. meows were heard in the background.

scaramouche sat outright on his bed,"what?"

"i didn't think you'd pick up." you replied, nervously laughing.

"well, you said, you have my number, right? is tofu doing alright?"

"well," you propped the camera up, holding tofu. you were probably thankful he gave you a chance to change the topic. "of course, he is. look, tofu, it's the thief who stole you!!" tofu meowed, his eyes gleaming.

scaramouche smiled faintly when he saw the black feline. "hi, tofu... sorry for calling you raven."

tofu seemed to look at him judgmentally, "meow! mew miao."

"that's kind of mean to say, tofu. you don't call people bastards."

scaramouche raised a brow, "do you actually understand what he's saying?"

tofu glared at him as he mumbled a sorry. he can't believe he's getting humbled by a cat. "well, at least, i think i do. i had tofu since i was a kid, y'know? anyway, tofu, it's your day to pick out what place you want to go. we forgot to make content when you were out." you chided your cat. his cat? both of yours's cat?

"meeow."

"cat cafe is the usual but maybe we can change it up. cat thief," do you even know his name? "do you have any ideas where to bring him? where did you bring him?"

"the park? the library?" he suggested. but he noticed the ideas would be shot down by the way you looked at him.

"wouldn't they restrict him from it?" you asked as he waved his hand as an "ehhh" motion.

"not if you have money." he flexed. wait, why is he flexing this? is this arrogant? nah.

he watched your face fall. "YOURE RICH?????"

scaramouche didn't really want you to know his actual background. he was surprised that you didn't recognize him from the raiden industry or whatever his mother's doing. "something from the lines of that." he changed the subject. "so what's a place you haven't went with tofu?"

"anywhere with cats are allowed. i think, we could do that trend of whatever they touch, i'd buy."

"do you have enough money for that?"

"i think so."

scaramouche offered the idea, he might as well go, "i'd come." plus, tofu would be there and you, he guess. you're kind of cute but also tofu would be there.

"REALLY?"

"yeah, can i wear a mask though?"

"of course, whatever makes you comfortable. thank you so much! ill send you the location."

scaramouche waved bye as you ended the call. is it a bit crazy for letting this happen? if this attraction to you turns into something more, he has to end this.

masterlist previously + next

theres the newest member in the cat cafe you regularly visit after school. hes kind of cute in a cat-looklike way. but then you realize, oh shit thats the thief who stole my cat!!

the cat cafe notes: - kokomi and childe's pfps changed because the app lost it TT - i forgot name's a content creator

@whycantscarabereal @sakiimeo @cofijelli @xiaosonlybeloved @shewolfmiko @ash-in-lavender @kunisblog @beriiov @scaraapologist @sentieence @vodkistt @ynkinnie @naheana @jaiistg @liliumaraneae @featuredtofu @violettathewriter @xiaossocksniffer @karma-gisa @kazemiya @quacking-simp @neuvilutz @yumiaur

[kiisuuumii]

@kiisuuumii's writerly questionnaire !

thank you @lead-to-code for tagging (ily kara <33)

i'd love to see yall's answers (only if you'd like to share of course !) @noahsbong @yearning-rambles @thesorcererpoet

about me:

1. when did you first start writing?

i was maybe between seven and nine ? to be honest, i can't really remember when it was, but i remember the first few things i wrote were story quizzes on a (now gone </3) website called quizilla (it was naruto rp....................)

2. are the genres/themes you enjoy reading different from the ones you write?

not really, now that i actually think about it ! ive always been the type of writer that only liked writing angst, and even outside of writing (fan) fiction (which tbh i dont do very much of anymore), so much of my poetry either comes from heavy emotion or features it so sdghjksd

3. is there an author (or just a fellow writer!) you want to emulate, or one to whom you're often compared?

theres one mutual, actually, who i actually wished i could write more like. in a very self-deprecating way, but ive since become very comfortable, and maybe even happy (!), with my style of writing ! so, no, i'm not really looking to emulate anyone in particular, and no one's ever made a comparison between my work and someone else's so no to that one too :0

4. can you tell me a little about your writing space(s)? (room, coffee shop, desk, etc)

i usually write on my phone, in the notes app or in my drafts here ! and ill usually only write in a (head) space where i can really think, undisturbed, for at least 30-45 mins. so i'll usually be out in my backyard under one of my calamansi trees ! though, lately, ive been occasionally writing at my desk on desktop tumblr :>

5. what's your most effective way to muster up some muse?

fall in love with someone

once i start thinking about how everything around me is alive, i start remembering that i, too, am apart of nature—a lucky enough set of sequenced mutations, to make me—just a eating, breathing, shitting animal. how lucky this set of mutations is to take it all in, the emeralds in the trees, and the beat of a chipmunk's heart, how scared we all are.

that or love

6. did the place(s) you grew up in influence the people and places you write about?

people, no, but places, yes. i grew up for most of my childhood in the desert, and i have /always/ hated summers, because i'm kinda heat sensitive, and i sweat easily, and i hate it i hate i hate it djhks

but, a year ago, i moved back home, and, honestly, since being back home, ive come to appreciate the desert a bit more sgkjds i used to think they were ugly and uninteresting, but there's so much more there if you look a bit harder imo

7. are there any recurring themes in your writing, and if so, do they surprise you at all?

honestly !! i think there are plenty obvious ones, but i really wanna talk about /the lack of/ sexual themes in my work !! i wanna write more sexetry or whatever, but it feels really embarrassing to sdghks i really like writing them too, but again !! it just feels embarrassing !! ;w;

my characters:

1. would you please tell me about your current favourite character? (current wip, post wip, never used, etc)

not to copy of kara dskjfs but i love my first (and my current) d&d chara !! her name is maeve umerie, and shes a drow wild magic sorcerer / (planned artillerist) artificer !! shes so packed full of trauma and self-harming behaviors and addictions that i dont even know where to start <33 (i promise i love her i would actually be so devastated if she died before i could give her a proper happy ending </3)

2. which of your characters do you think you'd be friends with in real life?

i have this fantasy novel thought that ive floated in my head since maybe september-october of last year, and, in it, i have a character named levin hel, and AUGH hes just a sweetie :^( hes the son of a blacksmith-gunsmith duo who know a thing or two about magic, and is the apprentice to the son of the wizard who saved his life (who's name is nox, and he's an asshole ! but also i love him so much ;v;)

i need go go back to all my notes and stuff on it, bc i invested A LOT of time worldbuilding for it, but yea levin's a very kindhearted person, very much wanting to be like nox's father :'''^) </3

3. which of your characters would you dislike the most if you met them?

i would absolutely hate to meet maeve mother. she's horribly self-serving and emotionally manipulative. she rules the house with an iron fist, and anything less than the best is worthless. she uses everything at her disposal to get what she wants, family or not.

4. tell me about the process of coming up with one, all, or any of your characters.

im ngl most if not all of my characters are just bits and pieces of me and my wants in different aus >_> .................................

5. do you notice any recurring themes/traits among your characters?

family and/or religious trauma mhm yep

6. how do you picture them? (as real people you imagined, as models/actors who exist in real life, as imaginary artwork, as artwork you made or commissioned, anime style, etc)

for my fantasy wip, i imagine imaginary artwork, but for maeve, i have pieces i've drawn and pieces i've commissioned of her !! id love to someday get pieces of her family and other major characters in her past commissioned :>

my writing:

1. what's your reason for writing?

i will say that it's changed over the years. as a kid, and up until college, i've wanted to always be a story-teller. but, lately, i dont really have a reason for writing, other than to satisfy the thing that lives inside me that wants to write :^)

2. is there a specific comment or type of comment you find particular motivating coming from your readers?

knowing other people's reactions, getting to hear how something made them feel emotionally, or physically, or if there was a particular thought or memory that came to mind. i love knowing what people see, what my work makes people see, if anything.

that or if theres something, a word choice, or a line, that you thought was clever or struck you !!! i always love knowing people's thoughts !!!

3. how do you want to be thought of by those who read your work? (for example: as a literary genius, or as a writer who "gets" the human condition; as a talented world builder, as a role model, etc)

i want to be thought of just as another person, honestly. someone who had very human emotions, and did the only thing she knew how to do.

4. what do you feel is your greatest strength as a writer?

uhhhhh im ngl i think this is also my greatest weakness but i have a tedium to my world-building, in that i need history-book-level details of my worlds or i will die (like i drew my own map. i drew a fucking map of an entire contiment)

5. what have you been frequently told your greatest writing strength is by others?

yk,,,,, no ones given me a whole lot of specifics so im not sure,,,,,

6. how do you feel about your own writing? (answer in whatever way you interpret this question)

i said it before, but im pretty content at the moment with my poetry. though with prose, i think i could probably improve a bit sdgjksg

7. if you were the last person on earth and knew your writing would never be read by another human, would you still write?

uh yeah !!!! i write and record voice memos in my journal fully knowing no one will ever read it or listen back right now as it is so !!!!

8. when you write, are you influenced by what others might enjoy reading, or do you write purely what you enjoy? if it's a mix of the two, which holds most influence?

i gotta be honest, writing is a selfish act for me. i write because i want to, in ways that tickle my fancy dgkjds

it really is almost like an instinct for me

[neithliveshere]

building my organization and productivity system part 1: school

hello interweb

this is a big project so we'll do this in parts.

first: school

I am finishing the last couple classes I need for my degree over the summer, therefore school is still an important part of my life.

Apps:

notion:

I am not a notion girlie, but I can't find an app that lets me build databases the way notion does. at least not one I like. I am a productivity app enthusiast so i've tried just about all of them and notion just works the best. Here is the template I use to keep track of my assignments. It is a mix of StudyWithAra's template and Notion's Assignment Tracker. The image above is the template I've made available for all of you! There are automations set up (the lightening icon), but I think everything is pretty self explanatory? if you have any questions don't hesitate to reach out.

edit: I have added a new section called "treats" to the database, to help motivate me to finish more of my work. I should add that this system is what I have developed while struggling to manage my chronic illnesses.

obsidian:

my one true love. i can wax poetic about why this is just a superior notetaking app, but that will be for a later post. for now, think of obsidian as a wikipedia database for all your notes. it allows for tags and backlinks and search and callouts... its amazing. love it there. uhm. a bit of a learning curve, but again a whole post on obsidian upcoming. here is a bit of an intro video for obsidian for students that I often return to. will reveal my obsidian notes in that post I'm working on.

timepage:

if you love stationery you might be familiar with Moleskine. they've built this wonder suite of productivity tools and timepage is the calendar app. I use this on my phone! its everything a calendar app should be and more. its super cute and functional and customizable. I use google calendar to create different calendars that i've color coded to correspond to different areas of my life. i use a couple different calendar apps but timepage is my school calendar. it tells me when to leave for class, how to get there, and how long i have to rest/study/eat between my classes. it shows the weather, alerts you of rain, and did i mention its cute?

things:

the adhd/depression/anxiety struggle is real. I have 101 different apps to tell me what to do and when. things is another one of those apps. one of my lovely friends purchased the mac app for me and it has been a game changer. i use things to organize my entire life, but in the screenshot above you'll see my school list. when notion is too overwhelming or i need to break down things a bit more, i use things.

youtube:

here are some youtube channels I recommend for motivation, for aesthetics, for background noise 1, 2, 3, for body doubling...

drafts:

cute little app. great for quick notes and also uses markdown so easy to copy and paste between drafts and obsidian. opens and closes quickly and syncs between your mac and phone for free! I write my speeches in here and also those last minute things your professor says after you've already put away your notebook.

anki:

just started using this because i am in desperate need for spaced repetition. i bought and set up a small remote using this video to help move through the flashcards faster. i am also terribly lazy so we definitely downloaded premade cards instead of making our own. still need to do a bit more research to be able to use this software properly, but it is good enough for now. I am supplementing this app with the flashcard app below.

brainscape:

i use this to learn whatever I am studying. recently it has been vocab and kanji, but I imagine I might add in grammar cards at some point too. if you are familiar with anki, brainscape has a similar system for "learning", meaning you rank the card after seeing the answer, deciding for yourself how well you know the material. I can also download the decks I make to use during my commute so that is super helpful. And it's free (with a subscription upgrade available)!

Supplies:

as for material supplies, you'll find some of my favorites below:

kokuyo campus semi B5 - 5 mm graph

kokuyo campus semi B5 - dotted 6 mm rule

zebra sarasa gel pen .07/.05

pentel energel .07/.05

pilot g2 .07/.05

zebra mildliners

bic mechanical pencils in .07

twsbi fountain pen medium/extra fine

platinum carbon black ink

hobonichi cousin

System:

okay so i'm not quite sure how to explain this in a way that makes sense, but i shall attempt it. the system as it stands has a few steps.

move weekly assignments and such from the syllabi to Notion

add due dates and deadlines into Calendars

move tasks to Things

plot study schedule onto Calendars

write essays using notes i wrote in Obsidian during class

study for Japanese using Brainscape and Anki for memorization

practice Kanji and writing in kokuyo campus notebooks

write scripts, quick notes, etc., using Drafts

migrate things from Drafts to Docs, Obsidian, Calendars, or Notion

commence studying using YouTube as background noise

---

that's all for now. I'm still working on the next few posts in this series, but I hope this is helpful or at the very least somewhat entertaining.

wishing y'all the best,

Neith

[psychoticallytrans]

This is gonna be a weird question, and im sorry in advance if i dont word it the best. is it possible to only have temporary psychosis, or, i guess, episodic psychosis? im bipolar (type 2, i *think*, my psychiatrist isnt one for divvying the two up tbqh and im not either) and back when i wasnt medicated, during 2021ish, i had what was most likely a psychotic depression episode (and have probably had more before, but my memory is really bad). i didnt get that diagnosed; i told my school counsellor about how i was feeling and she just kinda went "thats... a little out of my paygrade" sdfghjk. now that im medicated i dont have those kinds of episodes anymore, but, well--my symptoms have gotten worse lately, likely due to stress (i am a trans man, easily clockable as trans, living in florida, plus i've had life stuff going on) and i suppose im just wondering if you have any advice for trying to catch an episode before i'm near the end of it. sorry if this is technically easily-google-able, but i'll be honest, i dont trust random articles more than i trust people with the conditions they're talking about, given how stigmatized a lot of mental illnesses are. thank you for your time !! have a good day !!

No, it's not weird at all! It's certainly not easy to google, if you want accurate information. I'm glad you felt comfortable coming here to ask. Psychosis is a symptom. Specifically, it's a response to stress. Some disorders, like bipolar, make you more prone to it than average, lowering the amount of stress that needs to be applied for you to experience psychosis. For some people, the bar is zero stress applied for them to experience psychosis. For most people, the bar is pretty high, requiring major stress sustained over days for them to experience it- and when the stress is removed, they are no longer psychotic. In other words, the vast majority of people's psychosis is temporary!

It sounds like that for you, the amount of stress required is lower than most, and you're looking out for how to manage an episode. That's a great question to be asking, and I'm glad you're taking care of and looking out for yourself.

The first thing is to think back to your first episode, and think about what symptoms you experienced. Were there hallucinations? Delusions? What were they about, and how did they feel? Identifying what you experienced can help you figure out if you have an episode coming up. For me, the first thing is always hearing things that aren't there, like footsteps. Figuring out what your first thing is can help a lot. Next, think about what might help you figure out what is and isn't real. For visual hallucinations, a lot of people use their phones to check by looking through the camera app. For auditory ones, earplugs and recording then playing back sound are both common ones. For hallucinated smells, most people use nose plugs, but I use essential oils because they work better for me. I cannot smell anything past them, so anything that doesn't smell like the oil ain't real. For taste, I hear a lot of people use an ice cube on the tongue, but I don't have those. Anyone who does, please chime in! For tactile ones, usually touching the spot yourself will help.

Delusions are more complicated, especially when you're in the middle of them. The strategy that works best for me is basically examining my thoughts. First, I figure out if it's rational or not by applying logic. Why am I thinking this? Does it have a good reason behind it? Next, is this thought going to harm me or other people? If not, I leave it alone. You can choose to examine your benign delusions if you like, I just choose not to.

If it is (a common one that falls into this category for me is paranoia about leaving my home when I need groceries), I essentially start laying out an argument against myself, using my past experiences and research to resist the irrational thought (ex. going to the store is safe, even if it wasn't I can kick most people's asses, and if I can't do that I can scream loud enough to alert anyone within about a quarter mile, and even if something crap happens to me, I'm trained in First Aid and regularly update my training.). This can be difficult, and sometimes fails for me.

I also noted that you specifically had psychotic depression. this ca make things harder, because it's hard to do things when you're depressed. I recommend prepping for the possibility of an episode. Find ways to make your life easier. A list of self-accommodations you may find helpful:

Get some meals you can microwave. Make sure your meds are right next to something you can take them with. Try to keep enough clean laundry around that you won't have to do laundry during the episode. Disposable dishes and utensils are another great accommodation. Have a big trash bin you can pile trash into, and a misc box or hamper so that you can shove shit in it that you don't have the energy to put away, so you still have a floor to walk on safely.

The episode will be over, eventually, and you'll need to take care of whatever happened during it, but the better you take care of yourself during it, the faster it will be over.

If anyone else has advice, please feel free to add on!

[payphonex]

Well, this is the first time I've written in almost 3 years. I'm not even sure what to say, honestly. I feel like my entire life has been taken from me. I feel like I've forgotten how to write.

Am i supposed to be angry? in love? sad?

lost?

Im lost. I dont know who I am anymore. I gave up everything for this toxic relationship. I stopped going to bars, seeing my friends. i stopped talking to anybody especially over text because everything would be read. I stopped taking phone calls unless i was home alone, which was rare. I learned to shut up, not talk about my emotions because it would be such a big fight; i wasnt paying attention to how she felt when i was upset. Even now, as im writing this i am terrified she'll see it.

She'll say something, she always does. She'll disapprove and ill be in trouble.

again.

We broke up, about 3 weeks ago. I moved to Tennessee. Im finally with my dad. Honestly, the only reason i didnt stay in town was because i finally had the courage to block my mom.

Maybe the universe was telling me it was time to go.

I finally listened.

I dont know how to feel anymore. What im supposed to feel, ya know? In some aspects i feel numb. Im alone out here, truly alone. I guess the good thing about that is i cant get hooked on cocaine again.

I crave it all the fucking time. Being sober for 2 years really doesnt matter when i still smell it laying in bed.

I guess i can thank my sobriety on my now ex, we did get sober together. I cant thank her enough for that.

You know, its weird being back on here. I feel like i could throw up just downloading the app. My old account was deleted, my ex swears it wasnt her but im sure ill never know.

I found you again, i re-read some of things you had written. I really have been looking through rose coldered glasses when it came to you. The pain of losing you in my life was so fucking real for months.

atleast until i realized you truly threw me under the bus. like i was just some freak obsessed with you. I loved you, you were my family.

we were 'inseperable'. Remember? you said that.

"I understand that it'll never be us, part of me knew that it never would be, but i decided to let you fall anyway. make me think it was wrong."

You remember that? you wrote that. I can finally let you know,

it.

was.

wrong.

Because youre so stuck in my fucking head that it is hard to breathe. People still tell me about you, I could never truly get away from you.

I cant forget those nights.

I never could wipe away the fucking smell of lavender and vanilla

Ive never been good at cleaning windows either. Im sure your finger prints are still covering the view i could have had.

You've always been such a good liar. Keeping my at your hip for a backup plan just long enough to leave me drowning again.

The last time i heard your voice was the night my ex called you. I was plastered, black out drunk. I found out my tumblr was deleted that night.

I hit her. Busted her lip because i couldnt let go of you. So she called you. Of course you didnt answer, but the next morning you called me off of a friends phone. She forced me to answer the call.

You sounded like you fucking hated me. Why?

because you lead me on? because you got caught up in the consequences of YOUR actions?

you responded to me! when i wrote about you. You always replied. always.

It was never "leave me alone" or "we need to stop this"

You played me. you fucking used me.

you.

you fucking hurt me.

and i shouldve known better. but youre angry at me? annoyed with me?

it was easy for you to drop me, wasnt it?

I liked one of your posts. im sure youre gonna block me now. i bet you didnt even read this.

im letting you go. i guess this is my goodbye. im moving on and it feels good to finally express myself again. dont worry, my tumblrs always been my own private thing, noone you know will see this, incase youre embarrassed.

[terrakal]

I cried. I want to cry? I feel bad, my heart aches, i feel nauseous, its like a hole in my heart, its night so probably thats why or maybe its because i had all morning only anger feeding me and stubbornness which eats me away real quickly so i mostly calm down as the midday resumes but as soon as i laid down i realised it, but i watched my hole away, and yet the hole rested still and only grew as i kept going about my evening, and eventually when i looked at the clock. Knowing he’d be done with work. Its like the hope i cherish so badly crumbled and i just wanted to cry.

I wanted to cry?!

How did i get to a point, a feeling, a physical pain, that i wanted to cry about a damn man?!

Is it pathetic, is it part of life, is it what had been warned for and yes its a true thing.

How does this- i truly thought after what 3,75 months i’d feel nothing when he would go away but it hurts. I feel truly feel something for him? And right as i typed that i can feel tears and my heart pain even more i am flabbergasted.

And the wordt thing is i always kept telling myself that i didint feel/love anything remotely close to such things so i wouldnt feel pain, like this, because i love and hope so much i think so much so i know it hits me like a truck.

The amount of times i checked my phone…

And then the other part, my overthinking. It’s gotten to a point that i went from, he is probably mad at me, to he is talking to someone else, he doesn’t find me pretty enough, he sets me aside so he can not feel guilty when he goes out alone on vacation.

All because i dont know the truth on why this is happening right now. Yes. Yes i deleted messages (out of lots of embarrassment and frustration since i have to cut back on saying sorry 24/7) i annoyed him, i annoy lots of people i realize. I didint know it was a love language of mine i thought id rather pleased people more. But wow have i become annoying. And it pushes them away first f now n its genuinely my fault and it breaks my heart omfg im crying

He did sent a snap but im sure its the universal type, bcs if he truly wanted to contact me he would’ve apped me.. and i cant app him because its not my place, i should let him have his anger in peace, and ill wait for him and if he doesn’t return i know enough (another lady a push for guilt away im sure) or its ego… but i dont want to think of such things

Genuinely this is something i never thought would happen to me im just- lost.

Did i truly make this happen by saying such stupid things and deleting a- i mean he left me on read on tt…

Im yeah.. im glad i can cry it out now.

So i can move on tomorrow and if not tomorrow then the days after, and i will hold on because i know, i know its gonna be easier and ill feel less, and ill be happier. Disappointed but happier.

Bcs truly i have been slipping away and yes it eats now since i feel like the cause, omg i feel like im spinning. But but im sure that it had been longer and i kept making excuses but now i really cant.

—we’ll see how long i can take

[alwastakenofc]

hmmmmm so ! lesser-than-before rant incoming :)

i’ve been playing this game on my phone for the last 3ish weeks bc i’m tryna get $80 from getting to “grand sultan” level thru this app that gives me games to download and rewards me for playing them/hitting checkpoints and stuff idk it’s rly cool but that’s besides the point ! so i figured i would Bounce after the month is up bc like it’s just a gimmicky pay-to-win kind of game where if u don’t keep up daily u fall behind, BUT there’s also a Huge player base for the game (which makes it fun but also gives it that rly insanely competitive edge that makes it hard to miss days without feeling like ur behind). so one of the things i had to do was join a union/guild where i am partnered up with ppl like the guild leader and co-leader and elites and others members ya know? and we can do quests and stuff and it just gives u a good boost to everything which obviously helps u level faster ! so i was like “hmmmm maybe ill make one…” but then i noticed ppl talking in the all chat saying how they’re not new, this is their 3rd, 4th, 5th+ server that they’re hopping on bc they wanna start over again, etc etc so i was like “…. nah im not making my own union LOL” so i ended up joining this one that had free slots and rly didn’t like the guy leading it bc he was kinda rude… so i left, changed my name/avatar, and DM’d the leader of this guild i had my eye on in the first place but was full at the time! they now had 1 space free and i had to wait 24 hours to join bc i just left my last guild… so she said she’d save the spot and BAM, i got in! we talked in DMs abt how i left my last guild bc No One except the leader talked and when he did it was to Demand things from us like “Everyone better donate 200 diamonds or else.” and stuff!! lmao

SO. fast forward to now. it’s been about 3 weeks in the guild and MANNNNNN IVE MADE A FEW FRIENDS, THEYRE ALL SO NICEEEEE 🥺 me and a couple other guild members were up til Midnight last night just talking abt life and where we wanna travel and our jobs and education and Everything !! it was so wholesome and nice and so just idk. pure and innocent and Fun to just have casual conversations with ppl that were complete strangers 2 weeks ago, but who ive gotten closer to and now can have those nice long convos with !! and it was all just in the guild chat so anyone could read the next day lol but idc ! it was fun! plus my name on the game is selene which is Not my real name lol i just like the name a lot and it always makes me giggle when they say “lol, i know right selene??” and stuff and im like heh.. yea, das me 😎 idk the guild leader gave me the “life of the party” tag and said she loves my energy and it just feels so good bc i know i am just so cripplingly socially anxious irl and that’s why i can talk so easily online and love talking online so much more. like im still ME, but… not Fully being perceived to a point where i feel uncomfy or anything LOL . it’s been nice

i think imma keep playing after the month is up, i rly enjoy my guild and the ppl ive met thru it :’)

ANYWAYS!! i also think im gonna go to therapy/go to my family doctor to get reccs on therapists and maybe a psychiatrist? psychologist? idk i wanna get evaluated for… well let’s just save that for when i get evaluated bc if i don’t even have anything wrong with me and my dumbass rly gets laughed out of the office by the doctor saying “LUL no u rly just gotta try harder bruh” imma feel like a damn Fool LMAO. BUT yeah. that’ll hopefully be a thing i book this month.

also gonna be responsible and Not over spend on food when i get paid, like delivery and whatnot… but i Will be buying lifetime subscriptions to a couple japanese apps on my phone that i think will be easy access and help me learn japanese to a point of comfortability before i start college again. 😎

OKAY IM DONE WHEW. rant over :)

[slow-cheese]

september 21st 2023

its been a while since i been on here. tumblr that is. i felt like sharing a post. i only have two followers and thats enough for me because both of them are inactive. at least to my knowledge. im listening to ghost of your guitar solo by mj lenderman. such a beautiful track that i always come back to it just to be in a state of mind where the music takes control and i am nothing but the receiver. take me where you wanna go, ill follow.

whats so great about this song is that its a needle in the haystack, a real gem. i see the artist as of today has gained more listeners and im happy for them. a part of me is sad that this song might be one day over played by the internet so all i can do is just enjoy it to the fullest untill that day arrives. im honestly kind of a gate keeper. i like to share my gems with people special in my life.

i shared the song today because no one is reading this post and i am just writing my thoughts as they come down. primal is a really good show that i have been watching recently.

i dont know if ill ever post again. i downloaded tumblr on a whim, i went onto the app store to look for a game to play on my phone. something compelled me to, couldnt tell you what it was. as i was on the app store i saw tumblr coincidentally and just decided why not withought a second thought. im not on any social media so me going through my page (which was not much) and going through my two followers pages really got me thinking. specifically on one person

how are you ?

are you happy ?

its been a while and for some reason i really miss you

maybe its just the nostalgia kicking in on me, but i miss the days we walked home together and the days where all we did was nothing and talked. i miss your humor, you really knew how to make me laugh like no other. my sunshine, thats what you were to me. i see you in other people and i catch myself looking for you in them only to be later on disappointed that they are not you.

i feel like i am journaling right now and it feels nice. i know this isnt really private since its online but it feels nice enough to write all this out and have it be in a place where one day i know i can come back and read it... if you see this jessica i hope it wasnt weird to read and i want you to know i saw your wedding pictures. you looked beautiful in your wedding dress. it was like you were made to be in it. i hope you have a full life. dont be scared to make that step and dont let anyone bring you down.

you are pretty strong and really smart

[elaichoi]

gasp 🔴 live viewing of soulmates au unfolding irl

yes in fact i am (confirmed)

to be fair i haven't been on tumblr that long i joined somewhere btwn jan-mar of this year and so i don't think ive experienced many of your themes (blog profile wise), but i remember stalking the tags and it was easy to spot what works were yours based on the header edit, it stands out and is v eyecatching among other stuffs in the tags ^_^

mhm i think your style is very deviantart fs hehe,,, NAUR FR they r the ogs i used to want to be them so bad. for reference i started getting into kpop around 2/2.5 gen,, i was an admin on a facebook snsd fanpage and posted like png shadow/swirl edits 😭😭😭 simple times

hell i'd love to! i don't think i'm mentally there i fr lack the creative capacity, its in very rare circumstances do i see something that i kind of envision and edit in my head and ill usually screenshot it to keep the idea there but i even more rarely ever jump into starting the edit.

yes it is! i still have and use it, it was the 'it' app for photo editors back then me thinks, kind of like the ae of photo editing... at least from my viewpoint on the ig fanpage editing scene. it was the hotter sister to picsart lmaoo

see soulmates au!! we couldve crossed paths but we didn't!! until now!! 😾

omg wait stop it cus i used to love reading imagines n shit on ig but im pretty sure i stopped because i felt like it wasn't a popular content type esp since its a photography platform. i browsed the tags for imagines n stuff but it was meh,, i only followed ONE imagines account 🥲

wait so to clarify, u also edited on ig alongside writing?? imagine if we crossed paths on the algorithm dats crazy 😭 you're the cool one i wish i could be skilled in both literature and art ?? i simply do not have enough brain cells for that ^_^

canva on phone is my enemy‼️ at least the last time i used the mobile app,, bc i now use it only on desktop, sometimes on ipad... cus u alr cannot see the layers i cannot be doing anything complex bc i will def tap on the wrong layer and thats annoying -_- the patience u have ㅠㅠ well assuming the app is still like that idk maybe it changed

HAHAH i used to draw before like pencil paper shit so i thought i could do it digitally....and after years of not drawing on pencil paper too 💀💀

u are so much more articulate than me goodbye thats embarrassing 4 me T_T

soulmate does exist <3 look at us being prime example!!

actually i think ive active with my account within the time frame as well, probably feb-march i think, but before that i didn't care about the account that much but like slowly started make headers im a tryhard ( only after i stopped obsessing tumblr themes bc i couldn't figure it out) ARE you fr?? like u could tell my works in the tags of my header?! dude that's so,,, that's like such a huge compliment that I've got something that makes someone go ah yes it's that same. author like it feels so fulfilling, YOURE REALLY BUTTERING ME UP ILYSM!!! thousand consentual kisses!!!!

YOURE SO COOL WTH YOU'VE BEEN HERE SINCE 2/2.5 GEN PLS THATS SO awesome ive been into kpop since mid 2017 so most of my groups like og ones were third gen but I listened to 2nd gens too and SNSD my beloved!!! genie was my introduction of kpop tbh and replay by shinee is what made me stay so i can say im a child of 2nd gens too lmao but holy shit I want YOUR PLAYLIST!!!!!!!! GIVE ME SONG RECS!

tbh i get you i only edit for my headers or blog too tbh like usually if there is no purpose you don't really feel like editing bc it's like what are you even gonna do with it? and you've said that you've always posted them so maybe the fact you don't have anywhere to showcase your art has you feeling like that too?

"hotter sister of picsart" this is so real bc all the hot editorson Instagram ( the western artists collage style specially) all used superimpose and thr fact they used to pay for it too.

bro like imagine if we did cross paths i think i was more active on ig during 2019-2021? imagine if we had ever crossed paths since we both worked on kpop lmao, okay but if you like posted your work under #kpopgfx im pretty sure i have came across at least once!

did kpop have imagine accounts? i knew a lot of dating door accounts tho lmao but then again i was stuck in wattpad, and that's all the delulu you need lmao.

lmao yeah i always wrote with my works, most of my edits were based on stuff i wrote basically like love stories based on songs, certain ideas (was BIG on mythologies and all the other things.) but really fr tho i wonder if I actually ever saw your work tho because i never had the guts to interact with other editors.

lmao im the same with canva but on laptop i for the life of me cant do that plus i just use it get pngs and other stuff also when i want to do masking lmao. i usually collect shit on there and then manipulate those on my own app.

bro that is insane that you used to actually drawing like as someone who can't draw a single straight line this is so cool to me i really wish i could draw tbh

articulate and me? lmao im literally all over the place but it's so sooo fun to talk to you!!

[dangans-ur-ronpas]

watched the playthrough. thoughts and spoilers:

ryuji is really sweet but the game does him so dirty. for real

also funny how ryuji's persona progression was pirate (ok makes sense) >> the monkey king (i suppose it works thematically?) >> diego (mr worldwide?)

i shouldnt judge personal progression based on pokemon evolution but it is silly to me. just a bit. like makoto's was a bike that became a transformer that went back to being a cooler bike...haru's was a lady -> skull lady -> big dress lady

i wish ann's persona fit didn't. look. like that...i get why it could be justified narratively but like. come on

makoto is crazy useful gameplay wise but an absolute shit driver narratively

it's so funny how every single big bad here can be traced back to the biggest bad, a bald man with a political agenda

actually how most of the bad people from behind the scenes are just old rich men. accurate i suppose

also funny is how akechi is depicted as ultra handsome but he's just a cookie cutter anime twink

the protag is also a cookie cutter anime twink but because he wears glasses he just looks normal. superman clark kent type physics

he doesn't even need those glasses. what's the point

the gameplay itself was fun to watch. it was overstimulating in its excess of anime and sometimes bewildering in its mechanics but the music was good and i like the menu ui design

the romance options piss me off. why does the protag have the option to romance his teacher and not ryuji. sigh

poor haru. her confidant line involves her admitting she may or may not have a crush on the protag and the options essentially boil down to 'i want you' to 'die'...is there not a nicer way to let her down please

i love futaba she is just like. me. i want nothing but the best for her she is like a sister tome. also her splash art is so cute

the voice acting is really good. like i was watching with the english dub but the voice acting is really very good, especially akechi's va

they never explain how a phone app suddenly started letting people into the mind palace system. was igor busy typing out java on his thinkpad. did development get outsourced

akechi???

also i dont understand how exactly shido's support team somehow manipulated the metaverse to make everyone forget about the phantom thieves...there was some stuff about a god in there and a big cup but i think i blanked out during this part. or maybe they had nothing to do with it and im just jumping the gum

mona gets three fakeouts about his death so everyone has to feel sad about him three different times. ryuji gets one fakeout and they all beat him up in the street can we give this boy some justice

i like how p5royal gives the protag back his annoying ass toxic boyfriend but also a mentally ill girlfriend yayyy <33 diversity win your polycule is fucked up

mona only just finds out he can turn into things other than a bus in literally the last arc before they all lose their powers for forever, further proving his status as the most useless player on the team

i like how the last confrontation with dr maruki involves just slugging him as hard as you can

dr maruki's hair looks way darker to me in the anime cutscenes than in the game

'me and my emotional support toxic tulpa situationship boyfriend'

i finally understand why i kept seeing heartwrenching yaoi fanart every february second now with themes around departure death betrayal and guns etc

the ending is very sweet. though im a little confused on why they had to take separate cars to get to the train station so they wouldn't get tailed...who is tailing you? and why?

akechi???????????????

fuck that cat

tl;dr: it was fun. i am now sick in the head

watching a persona 5 playthrough

[nctsworld]

two nights, one you

✩‌ jaemin ‌x‌ ‌reader‌ ‌|‌ fuckboy!jaemin | strangers (who f*ck) to (brief) enemies to lovers | ‌10.9k 

SUMMARY‌ ‌⇾‌ a last-minute one night stand gone awry is extended into two nights when you’re snowed in at the cute (but rude) stranger’s apartment on christmas eve. [loosely based on the movie, two night stand] // part of the x-mas in ncity collection  GENRES ⇾ crack | smut | fluff  WARNINGS‌ ‌⇾‌ ‌lots of bickering and dialogue, smut, oral s*x (f and m receiving), fingering, mentions of alcohol/drinking, swearing, bit of angst before the end, jaemin’s an asshole... or is he? RATING‌ ‌⇾‌ explicit TAGLIST ⇾‌ @infnteen​ 

AUTHOR’S NOTE ⇾ it’s late (and long fsldkm), srysry but here it is! i hope the humour comes out in this and look away if falls flat zzz fingers crossed that i can finish the last two installments for this collection asap! 

⇾ gif created by me, please don’t repost or share without credit!

Maybe it’s because it’s the evening of Christmas Eve Eve and you’re feeling more lonely than usual.

Maybe it’s due to the two glasses of wine you guzzled down in the span of fifteen minutes that get you buzzed.

Maybe it’s your prominent six-month dry spell and you’re in desperate need for some much needed rain in your drought.    

Or maybe it’s just pure impulsiveness.

Regardless of the reasons, you’re aiming to get laid tonight.  

It’s 9:45pm as you make the rounds on Tinder. You’ve used it in the past, searching for a relationship in vain, but haven’t used it much since you broke up with your last partner. Bringing the app alive again, you’re already bombarded by distasteful messages, off-putting one-liners and jokes, and swiping left more than you’d like.

You haven’t had a one-night stand before, but isn’t there anyone on here that is just a little bit attractive, nearby where you are, around your age, and is somewhat chivalrous about the topic besides saying DTF? Maybe you need to lower your standards if you want to get dicked down tonight.

But then, you land on him.

One Na Jaemin, 20 years old, and only four miles away from you.

Scrolling through his profile pictures and Instagram feed, you assume that he’s into photography, is on the athletic side from the various hobbies he partakes in, and he must be at least half-aware of his beauty because there’s the occasional pic that shows off his lean, toned arms, which, if you can be frank, is more flattering than the shirtless ones you constantly see. Oh, and he attends the same university as you.

The cherry on top? His bio is simple and upfront:

“Not up for anything serious, but always down for a good time ;)”

You swipe right without hesitation.

“It’s a Match!” flashes instantly at you. Your mouth swings open in disbelief.  

Usually, you’d wait for your matches to message you and play hard-to-get, but not tonight. Tonight, you’re initiating and leading all the conversations, completely driven by your thirst.  

Messaging Jaemin is a breeze. He types with more than half a brain, and he flirts, but it isn’t overwhelming or repulsive. Segueing the current topic, you drag your bottom lip upward as you send the following message:  

so, hypothetically... if one were to have good time with you would tonight work?

Not even twenty seconds later and he replies with:

-wow, dont you go straight to the point -im impressed -but yeah -tonight works ;)

He’s quick to send his address.

-let me know when ur here and ill come get you out front!

Smacking your lips together, you squeal to yourself in the comfort of your home, excited to meet with him, but then a thought hangs over you—this feels a little too good to be true. Horrible scenarios run through your head, so your fingers dash across your phone’s keyboard:

tbh i haven’t really done this b4 so im kinda new to this is it ok if we video call or smth? gotta make sure you’re real and not a serial killer i’m sure you understand 😛

-for sure for sure -totally get it -ive had my fair share of fake girls and serial killers so i feel u 😛

Grateful for his consideration, you rush to rearrange your hair after you send him a Zoom link, hoping you look decent enough to not have him back off from his initial offer. He appears in the video call on his phone with the front-facing camera on a few seconds after you connect.

“Hi,” you chirp.

A corner of his mouth lifts. “Hey.”  

Okay, he’s definitely cuter in real-time than in his pictures.  

“You know, I’m not gonna lie, but I lowkey expected to see a dick or something,” you joke in an attempt to dispel your nervousness.  

“Same,” he chuckles, running a hand through his black hair.

Oh God, he’s not just cute—he’s devastatingly gorgeous.

“So, this is my place...”

Jaemin moves around with his apartment in the background, revealing his living room first. Envy prods you as you note the brick walls, high ceiling windows, and well-appointed furnishings.

Recalling his address, you ask, “How’d you get a place in the heart of the city?”

“Lucked out,” he shrugs. His phone shakes a bit as he’s still moving. “My friend slash roommate—who is at his girlfriend’s place tonight, so we have the place all to ourselves—his parents own the condo and they gave me a friend discount on the rent.”

He finally stands in one place and turns the light on to reveal a room. “And this is my bedroom.”

Nothing out of the ordinary. A desk table with a gaming set-up, in tow with a gamer chair, and a decently-sized bed beside a nightstand.

“Oh, and here’s my closet.” Jaemin’s on the move again as he opens his closet doors. “Just to make sure you don’t think I hide the skins of my past one-nighters in here.”

A bubbly laugh rises from you. “Okay, I didn’t think of that before, but now you’ve planted the seed in my head. Maybe you hide them in the other rooms.”

“Nah, my roommate would kill me if I did.”

Both of you laugh in unison, and you bob your head with puffed cheeks.  

“Okay, it all seems very promising. I’m going to get ready and I’ll guess I’ll see you in a bit, Jaemin.”

“Sounds good,” Jaemin nods, then winks. Although you’re sitting down, he’s still able to get you weak in the knees. “See you soon.”

You end the call and rush to bundle up for the snow starting to come down outside. A twenty-minute train ride later, you’re at the front door of a rustic, industrial apartment complex. After informing Jaemin you’re outside, you glance up at the snowflakes falling from the dark pink-grey sky, anticipating for what comes next.

Sex with a hot guy, what can go wrong?  

So, you must’ve jinxed it because the sex is...  

Unsatisfying. Finished faster than you’d like it to be. Sadly, overall disappointing. If you had to rate it, three out of five stars, at best.

But hey, he came, and you sort of did, and it wasn’t the worst sex you’ve ever had. It half-quenched your dry spell.

And enough happened that it tired you out, leaving you passed out in the handsome stranger’s bed until morning.

In the morning, your eyes slowly flicker, unused to the foreign, sweet scent engulfing you in your bed. Correction: Jaemin’s bed.

Your eyes flicker faster as you glance through the almost wall-sized window. The snow hasn’t let up from last night. On the contrary, it seems like it’s snowing non-stop. You groan at the thought of going home in this weather.

The bed is without Jaemin’s presence as you reach for your phone on the nightstand. 10:36AM and a few notifications greet you. You rub your eyes and start combing through them, rising upward to sit up on the bed.

“Morning. You’re finally up.”

Peering up from your device, Jaemin’s standing by the door with folded arms. His plain sweater and sweatpants match the colour of his hair. The dazzling smile he gives is so contagious, you’re not even conscious of catching one too.  

“Out you go.”

You blink.

Once, twice, and then you tilt your head as you stare blankly at him, uncertain if you heard him correctly.

After a few moments, because you’re not moving an inch, his smile dissipates and he cocks an eyebrow in expectancy. A serious expression rolls over his face.  

Suddenly, Jaemin strolls to the side of the bed and hitches his thumb towards the door.

You definitely heard him right.

And he’s dead-serious.

You replay the video call from last night, dissecting how you thought he was nice and funny and—

Realization dawns on you.

Why would you expect anything more from a two-faced fuck boy?

Still awestruck by the situation, you’re still solid as a statue, so Jaemin takes matters into his own hands and grasps you by your elbow, casually dragging you from his bed like he’s taking out the trash.  

“What the fuck?!” you screech.

“C’mon, let’s go. Out out.”

“My clothes, though!” you protest in the middle of the hallway. He sighs in frustration, scurries to the bedroom, and returns with a small pile in his arms, then continues to drag you to the front door.  

“Are you always this pleasant with your guests the morning after?” you rage, putting on the rest of your clothes by the door. “You don’t even have the decency to offer me tea or coffee?”

“This was a one-night stand, not a bed and breakfast, sunshine,” he says as he watches you put your shoes on. He’s folding his arms again and leaning against the wall, his attitude dripping with smug. If he wasn’t a stranger, you’d punch it off his face. “You weren’t kidding when you said you were new to this, huh?”

“What the fuck is that supposed to mean?!”

“It means you’re a borderline virgin who needs to toodle-loo, get going and gone because you’re overstaying your welcome as we speak.”

Finishing putting on your coat, you’re fuming as your jaw hangs at the personal jab over your skills in bed. Jaemin swings the door open and shoves you through it.

“But I’ll admit, it was still nice having sex with you!” he chimes with a sickening grin and a hand on the door.  

“Aw, thanks asshole, wish I could say the same,” you sarcastically reply, resting a palm upon your chest.  

He scoffs. “From what I heard last night, I think I can confidently say that you had a great time.”

Flashbacks replay in your mind of your screaming fest from underneath him. Little did Jaemin actually know—

“You know, for someone who I assume has many one-night stands,” you spit with squinted eyes. “I’m surprised you can’t tell when girls fake it.”

You must’ve hit a sore spot because he grinds his teeth and you could almost see the steam coming out of his ears.

Oh yeah, you’re definitely the winner in this fight.

“Okay, you know what, Merry Christmas and fuck you. Have a great life!”

“Fuck you, dickface. Wishing you a miserable Christmas!”

With a bitter smile, you flip him off as he slams the door in your face.

Carrying a basket filled with dirty clothes, Jaemin’s on the way down to the laundry room in the basement of his apartment with his shoulder scrunched up, squeezing his phone to his ear.

“Bro, she had the audacity to say that I didn’t make her come when she was screaming my God damn ear off—”

As he steps down the short flight of stairs and passes by the foyer area by the main entrance to the building, he notices you’re still here.

“Shit, uh, Jeno,” he mumbles. “I’m gonna have to call you back.”

He stuffs his phone into the pocket of his sweats and calls out to you as he strides closer. “Are you resorting to stalking me by my front door now?”

With crossed arms, you peer over your shoulder, eyes full of bitterness.

“Like I wanna be anywhere near you right now,” you grumble. You jerk your head towards the thick, wooden door. “It’s jammed from the snow.”

The laundry carrier shakes his head and places the basket onto the floor. “A little snow never hurt anyone. You’re probably just too weak.”

Stepping aside and holding out an arm, you signal for him to give it a try.

Jaemin twists the handle and, lo and behold, it doesn’t open. His forehead crinkles as he tries again and again, using more force each time.

Glancing through one of the partially frosted windows adjacent to the sides of the door, he notices the snow has piled enormously high, almost to the height of his chest.

“Well, shit.”  

Reluctantly, Jaemin brings you back to his apartment. You’re technically his guest and if he left you in the foyer to freeze, trouble would surely come his way, whether it be in the form of his landlords (also known as his roommate’s parents) or the police.

Without a word, he settles a spoon in a bowl, a carton of milk, and a box of cereal onto the small kitchen table.

At first, you stare at it venomously in rejection, thinking you can easily last a day without any hand-outs from this son of a bitch, but your stomach roars ferociously three seconds later.

As you chew across from him, you enjoy the company of your phone over him, while he does the same but with a cup of coffee in hand.

After finishing your food, you adamantly place your phone down and lean back into the chair, boring holes into his head.

“Why are you such an asshole?” you seethe observantly.

“Why are you such a bitch?” he retorts, not pulling his gaze away from his phone.

“Because you started it,” you say slowly, stating the obvious.

“No, you.”

You sigh defeatedly at his childish behaviour. The weather apps predict the snow will (hopefully) die down by tomorrow morning, thus you’re officially stuck with him for the next twenty-four hours or so. Your hands rake through your hair.

“Whether we like it or not, the snow isn’t going away until tomorrow. Merry Christmas Eve to us, I guess.”

He’s still glued to his phone. You exhale another sigh.

“Since we’re not getting out of this until then, can we just...” You soften your voice. “Start over?”

His eyes are still on the screen, but from the way his shoulders tense and how he stops scrolling, you know he’s considering your proposition.

“At least call a stalemate over this.” You drift your hand in the air, gesturing between you and him.

Blowing out air and shaking his head, he rests his phone onto the table.

“Fine.”

He crosses his arms, imitating you, and the two of you sit there, staring at each other in a long silence.  

One minute, to be exact.

You’re the one to break the silence game by running your hands over your face, letting out a hybrid of a groan and laugh.

“God, the fact that we had sex makes this kinda awkward, huh?”

Jaemin’s exterior melts slightly, letting out a snicker. He shrugs, “Then let’s just pretend that we didn’t have sex.”

“We can’t just pretend that we didn’t have sex,” you say, holding two upturned palms near your face.

“We did it, it’s done. I’ve seen your penis, you kicked me out, and you labelled me a prude—” You dart a finger towards him. “—which I am far from, by the way. All of those are pretty huge things.”

One of the corners of his mouth raises high. “Are you saying my penis is huge?”

“No, the implication of said penis is huge. Wipe that smirk off your face.”

He stretches an arm, holding an imaginary microphone to your face. “Do you deny that my penis is huge?”

Rolling your eyes, you swat his fist away. “What am I, on trial here?”

“Do you plead the fifth then?”

Annoyed, you roll your eyes again. Why do you get the feeling that you’re probably going to be doing this a lot more today? Another feeling tells you that if you don’t answer his question, he’ll probably pester you until you do.

You tilt your head side to side. “It’s... decently sized.”

“Bigger or smaller than average?”

“Perfect...” His eyes light up. “...ly average.” And a frown rolls over.

He squints his eyes accusingly at your sneer. “Are you lying like you did before about faking it?”

You scoff. “I wasn’t lying about faking it, and I’m not lying now about your average sized dick.”

Jaemin releases a disgruntled grumble and lifts his cup to his face. You notice he likes to take his coffee black and bitter, presumably like his heart.

“So, Miss I’m-Not-A-Prude-and-I’ve-Definitely-Had-Sex-Before.” His eyebrows perk up on the word definitely. “What’s your story? Why the last minute one-night stand?”

Shrugging your shoulders to your ears, you reply, “Haven’t had sex in a while.”

“When’s the last time you had sex?” he asks mid-sip.

“Half a year ago,” you respond nonchalantly, perching your chin into your palms.

Jaemin immediately chokes, almost spraying the coffee through his nose.

“Half a year?!” he gasps. It takes him a few hits to his chest to dispel the coughing. “Six months?!”

“Wow, you can count!” you exclaim in a condescending tone. You change the position of your hands so that your chin is now atop of the back of your curled fingers and tilt your head. “Can you also spell?”

“As a premed student, I can assure you that I am capable of doing both,” he says with a slight strain due to the coughing fit. The humble brag brings on another eye roll. Of course he’s a premed student with the attitude he wears.

“It’s just—” He clears his throat and swallows the last bit of coffee stuck in his windpipe. “—The last time I had a dry spell was for like, a month, tops.”

So the fuckboy gets laid way more on the daily than you expect. You’re torn between being envious over how much action he gets in comparison to you, or remorseful, since you’re now just one of the many notches on his bedpost.

No matter, sarcasm is always the best defence mechanism.

“Good for you, Jaemin. I’m sure you’re very proud of that.”

There’s an awkward beat. His head hangs for a moment while his thumbs stroke the sides of his cup. A strange pinch of guilt occurs. Did you overstep an unspoken line? But then he drags himself back to reality in a heartbeat.

Jaemin brings the cup to his mouth again, mumbling, “At least the sex on your part makes more sense now; you’re rusty as fuck.”

Completely aware of what he said, you trash your guilt entirely and narrow your eyes. “What did you just say?”

Following a long sip, he hums, “Mmm, nothing.” Soon after, he stands up with his cup.

“I’m gonna go game now. Feel free to watch Netflix on the TV and stay in the living room.”

As if you had anywhere else to go...  

He begins to walk towards his room as you mutter under your breath, “I’m not a dog.”

“Says the bitch,” he pipes up, taking you by surprise.  

“Thought we had a stalemate?!” you shout, leaning your head forward as you watch him entering his room.  

“Doesn’t mean we’re on peaceful terms!” he sing-shouts.

The flinging of the closed door echoes throughout the apartment.

Regret surges through you. You just had to choose a fuckboy fluent in assholery and end up incidentally being isolated with him during a snow storm on Christmas Eve.

You wonder if you can handle being around him for the next twenty-four hours without killing him first.

During the afternoon, you’re on the living room couch, playing a show as mostly background noise while you’re on your phone. At one point, your phone unsurprisingly begins to die and you tread over to Jaemin’s door to ask for a charger and if you can also take a shower. He’s still annoyed by your existence, but at least he hands you a charger and lets you know where the extra towels are.

Stepping into the living room with the towel in your hand as you dry your hair off, you peer out the large living room window and see nothing but white engulfing the streets and buildings as far as the eye can see.

You pray the snow will eventually stop as soon as possible so you can head back home.

By the middle of the afternoon, Jaemin emerges from his bedroom and shocks you by plopping down on the opposite end of the living room couch from where you’re sitting.

“Bored?” you ask, eyes fixated on the TV screen.

“Nope,” he replies, popping the p as he says it. His slings his arm around the top of the couch.

“Gotta keep an eye on you in case you do something.” Turning away from the screen, he faces you and motions circles with his hand. “You’ve got a little crazy in you, I can feel it.”

You quickly glance over at him, but try to refocus on the TV. “Need I remind you that you’re the crazy one, dragging me out of the apartment right as I woke up.”

That compels him to turn his whole body towards you. “Well, you’re the one who wanted a last-minute one-night stand.”

You match his stance. “As if I’m the first girl in your bed to stay in the morning?”

“Actually, yeah.” He aggressively tilts his head to one side. “Most girls leave before I even get up. The other percentage don’t fight me when I ask for them to go, so it looks like you’re the odd one out.”  

You press your lips together, refusing to admit that maybe he has a point, under the assumption that he’s telling the truth.

Jaemin twists his body back to the screen and adds, “I make it very clear on my profile that I don’t do morning afters, sweetheart.”

And you agree that his profile is clear about his intentions, but that doesn’t mean you can condone his shitty behaviour.

“Well, sorry that I expected just an ounce of respect instead of getting kicked to the curb after you stuck your dick in me,” you grumble, shifting back to the show and crossing your arms.

“Morning afters lead to attachments, and attachments lead to feelings, and feelings lead to relationships,” he says the string of words clinically, as if it’s a mantra that he lives by.

Your eyebrows knit together as you whip your head towards him once more, studying him.

“And what’s so wrong with that?”

Deliberately averting your gaze, Jaemin grates his tongue between his teeth, a slight tsk audibly heard, and his chin juts out. There’s definitely a story behind his ways. He huffs and changes the subject.  

“Seriously?” He holds a hand out. “You’re watching this trashy show?”

Squinting your eyes at him, you could probably interrogate him further, but you decide otherwise.  

“It may be trashy,” you concur, looking at the TV. “But it’s my trashy comfort show.”

Following an over-the-top acted out scene between the show’s main love interests, Jaemin shoots up from the couch.

“Yeah, no, I can’t handle this. Can we either put on something else or game or something?”

“Why don’t you go back to your room to game, Mr. I’m-Not-Bored?”

“Like I said, I gotta keep an eye on you,” he says while bending over in front of the TV, already setting up the Playstation. He tosses you a controller as he strides to his side of the couch again.

He mumbles to himself, “Need to make sure you don’t go crazy from the lack of human interaction.”

Either Jaemin is selfish and only looking out for himself, or he wants to make sure you’re not feeling lonely in a stranger’s home.

Likely the first reason, you deduce—because why would a guy like Jaemin care about a mere one-night stand?

Admittedly, you’re not the best at games, especially at fighting ones. You can comprehend the move lists, but you like to live by button smashing the controller and repeating moves over and over.  

So it’s hilarious when you beat Jaemin every round with your surprisingly fruitful technique.

“Okay, this is bullshit,” Jaemin complains, sticking his tongue out in irritation. His ass is currently being handed to him on a plate again since you’re almost done killing his character off. “You must be lying to me; you have to be a pro player or some shit.”

Jaemin’s health bar is dangerously low as your character jabs his with a sword. He winces out loud and you snicker.

“Why do you think I always lie about everything?! Dude, you have serious trust issues,” you joke before you steal the opportunity to slice his character. One more hit and he’s done for.

“I do not! I just—nooo!”

You rise to your feet and pump your arms in the air, turning in circles in joy over yet another win.

Sulking, Jaemin eyes your little dance from his end on the couch, but as he watches you more, a feeling balloons in his chest. Something he hasn’t felt in a long time.

Finally coming down from your post-win high, you spot an emerging grin from the corner of your eye, making you pause.    

“What?” you eye him suspiciously.

Your suspicion pops the sensation in his chest and, like a fish out of water, his eyes widen and his grin melts away.

“Nothing, uhm.” He ruffles his eyebrows and palms the back of his neck, quickly facing the TV. “Let’s go one more round and then we can switch to another game—”

Suddenly, the TV and surrounding lights switch off. Both of you waver your eyes, anticipating for them to come back on, but they unfortunately don’t.  

Jaemin rushes over to the window. When he swivels his head towards you, his face darkens.

“Looks like it’s at least the whole block. The streetlights are out too.”

Without another word, he dashes to the linen closet and brings back several blankets. He calmly explains that there won’t be heat since it’s connected to the electricity, so it’d be best to keep warm with the extra layers.

Not wanting to scare you, he doesn’t add the fact that due to the huge windows in the apartment, more unnecessary cold air will come in, but you’re already cognizant of it from your own logic and since the remaining heat dissolves rapidly.

You groan and retreat into the massive blanket over your shoulders, turtling your head.

You can’t believe you’re going to fucking die in this asshole’s apartment on Christmas Eve.

On the ends of the couch in your makeshift blanket jackets, both of you attend to your phones for a while.

From what people and the news outlets are saying, it’s not just the block, but the whole city grid is out. You frantically text your friends, giving updates on how you are and half-jokingly telling them that you’re going to die with your dreadful one-night stand. Some time passes and Jaemin tosses his phone  off to one side.  

“Well, since there’s nothing else to do and we should probably conserve our phone batteries—” You glance up at him from your phone and pout. Slowly nodding in agreement, you toss it aside too. “—why don’t we play a game of ‘I’ll-Give-You-Pointers-on-How-to-be-Better-in-Bed’?”

A smile burgeons on his irritatingly handsome face and your eyes roll. At this point, you wonder if the reaction is conditioned into you. “It’ll be my early Christmas gift to you.”

“Wow, so thoughtful, how could I ever thank you?” You drag the blanket closer to your chest in false gratitude.

You think for a serious moment if you really want to go through with this. Hearing Jaemin run his mouth on you unwarranted is already painful, but to give him the go-ahead to do so? Especially criticizing your skills in bed?  

You blow out a sigh, noting the slightly visible cloud. You’re grateful Jaemin has thick, downy blankets.  

Well, if you’re going to die, may as well know what went wrong, right?

“Fine, but if we’re playing this game, we have to say everything honestly and take the criticism we get.” You point a stern finger. “No rebuttals, just acceptance.”

“Wait.” Jaemin crinkles his face in genuine confusion as his hand peeks out from his blanket.

“You have things to criticize about me in bed?”

Your lips tremble before you burst into laughter. Displeasure is on Jaemin’s tight-lipped face as you laugh for a while, almost keeling over in your blanket ball onto the hardwood floor. “How conceited are you, oh, my fucking God?”

He slices his hand through the air. “I’ve never had any complaints—”

“Because you’re too busy focusing on your own orgasm, you selfish dickwad,” you say as your laughter dies down.  

He sits in his snit for a few more moments until he gets over it.

“Fine, fine,” he huffs. Jaemin knows he’s not going to enjoy this, but he’s the one who suggested it. He can’t back out now. “Let’s just get this over with, you go first.”

With your blanket held by your chest, you hop off your end of the couch and shuffle over in front of him where he’s seated. Beaming, you begin.

“Let’s start with foreplay.” Jaemin’s eyes light up with confidence, thinking he’s at least decent with that. You crush his expression as your lips purse and you shake your head.

“Non-existent.”

“What do you mean?! I kissed you as you took off your clothes.”

You stick your free hand out from your blanket, extending your index finger.

“One: you only kissed my lips. You know, there are other parts of me to kiss, like, I don’t know, my neck, my arms, my shoulders.”

You extend another finger. “And, two: it’s weird to not help someone take off their clothes. Like you’re in a super rush to get somewhere or something—”

“We’re fucking!” he cuts in sharply. “This is a one-night stand, not a relationship.”

Closing your eyes and dropping your head, you pinch the bridge of your nose. You sigh in exaggeration.

“Thought we agreed no rebuttals...” you softly sing-say.  

Jaemin’s head sinks a little into his blanket. “Sorry.”

Removing your hand, you shrug. “Maybe there’s some rule that I don’t know about one-night stands, so this could be on me.”

You start to aimlessly tread back and forth in front of him, dragging the blanket along too. “But fuck, foreplay is foreplay for a reason. You work your way up to the heat of the moment and it makes sex much better, regardless if you’re in a relationship with the person or not.”

“Next point.” You stop walking and direct your focus on him. Pointing your finger and looking him dead in the eye, you ask, “Do you know what a vagina is?”

He snorts with a simper. “Uhhh, is this a rhetorical question?”

“No, I’m legit asking,” you say with a raised eyebrow and snarky smile. “Because when you went down on me, all you flicked your tongue at was the outside of it, also called the labia if you didn’t know.”

“I’m premed, of course I—”

“Which is great! But you didn’t go any deeper nor did you go near my clit.”

You thrust your finger again. “Do you also know what that is?”

“Yes...” he groans with the flickering eyelids.

You swipe your arm through the air. “Maybe make use of it, and not only when you go down on girls. Even during sex, touching it is great.”

“And lastly,” you continue. “I’ll be honest here, you have a decent dick.”

Jaemin waggles his finger. “So you were lying before—”

“I wasn’t lying,” you retort firmly. “But anyways, you’ve got the stuff, but why don’t you put it to better use?”

With the following words, you attempt to gesture with your body and execute moves as graphic visuals. Jaemin giggles at the sight.

“Vary the speeds and the angle, don’t just slam it in me and go crazy fast from the get-go. Build up to the climax. Jesus, I couldn’t even get close to coming because you’re like a jackhammer from start to finish.”

When you finally finish, Jaemin’s giggles morph into hollow laughs. Frustration is blatant on your face, pondering if he even absorbed a single word you said.  

After he calms down, he asks, “Are you done?”

You mumble, “Yeah, I think so.”

The two of you switch places. He shuffles onto his feet with his blanket while you sit back on the couch.

Jaemin pulls the blanket across the floor as he ambles. “Okay, your head game is decent—”

“Excuse you, my head game is strong.”

“Uh-uh, rebuttal,” he points out.  

You sigh. Pinching your fingers together, you drag the invisible zipper across your mouth, then wave your hand, allowing him to resume.

“Your head game is decent. You definitely can deepthroat, but—” He mirrors you from before and extends his index finger.

“One: this happened only a few times, but your teeth scraped against my dick, which is why I assumed you were a borderline virgin.”

You fume silently at the accusation, attempting to not speak up with a heap of rebuttals. But he wasn’t wrong—if you teethed on his dick, that’s a classic virgin move.

“But that’s okay, because we already established that you’re just rusty.” Jaemin flashes you a fake comforting smile as he continues to pace. You flash him one back.

“And two—” He holds another finger out. “Don’t be scared to use your hands and stroke me. Give my dick some love. If it’s too wet, just wipe your hands on the bed or something.”

“Okay, duly noted,” you hum. “Next.”

“Don’t be scared to touch me.”

“I touched you so much during—”

He shoots you a glare. You roll your mouth inward, your lips disappearing instantly.

“Your hands were mostly on the sheets, which is hot, but guys like to be felt up too.”

The attractive individual peers up for a second, thinking to himself. “Even hotter when a girl feels herself up during the fucking, but that’s beside the point. Baby steps, just remember to touch the other person.”

Jaemin does a full-stop and faces you.

“And just... don’t fake it.” Distress is evident in his pout. You hate to admit it, but it’s a little cute. He raises an arm and jerks it in the air. “Why do girls fake it?”

“Because guys with egos like you can’t handle criticism,” you reply bluntly.  

“What are we doing, having this conversation, hm?”

“We wouldn’t be having this conversation if it didn’t snow in and keep us here together.” You peel a hand away and gesture to the window. “If I walked out of here this morning, you would’ve just fucked the next girl the same.”

He defends himself, “Faking it just feeds our egos.”

“Yeah, well, if I told you afterwards that I didn’t come, what would you do?”

“Try to make you come in other ways?”

Shaking your head, you scoff. “Guys like you aren’t that considerate.”

“You’re right.” He assents, holding his pointer finger against his chest. “Because guys like me aim to please.”

A brilliant thought leaps in his mind and Jaemin gasps. You can only assume bad things from the wicked smile he sends your way.  

“Why don’t we try it again?”

Perplexed, you squint at him.

“Try what again...?”

“Sex,” he says enthusiastically.

You blankly stare at him.

“You’ve gotta be joking,” you deadpan.

“I mean, there’s nothing else to do and it’ll keep us warm.” 

You continue to stare at him until you groan.

“Oh, my God...” Your blanket droops a bit off your shoulders as you drag your palms across your face. “I cannot believe I’m stuck in this snowstorm with you out of all people...”

Sitting next to you, Jaemin persistently reasons with you. “Think of it also as another learning experience for the future partners we’ll have.”

“Yeah, if we don’t die first!” you shriek.

“We’re not going to die,” Jaemin replies in a mocking tone and a dart of his tongue.  

Outside the window, the snow seems to have slowed down, but not by much.  

God, Jaemin better be fucking right because you want to live to see another day.  

“Fine,” you mutter and match his gaze. “But we have to be vocal throughout the whole thing. Say whatever’s on our mind.”

“Fine,” he agrees to your terms. He produces the same wicked smile again. “But can we film it then? So we can study it after?”

You fire him a death glare that melts his face off, even in the frigid atmosphere.

“I’m joking, I’m joking,” he says, waving his hand.

They say that jokes are half-meant true, but you think Jaemin fully meant it. Still in your blanket jackets, Jaemin snags your free hand and leads you to his room.

“You gotta give me credit for trying, though.”

“No.” You shake your head with an unwilling smile creeping on the edge of your lips. On second thought, maybe the joke was a little funny, but you still stand by your opinion that he’s the most annoying person in the world. “I don’t think I will.”

“Thank God Chenle has so many scented candles...”

On the edge of Jaemin’s bed, huddled by the blanket, you watch him light up several large jars, placing them on his nightstand and desk in hopes to brighten the room. It’s already late afternoon, but one could mistaken it for nighttime with the muddy sky due to the snow.

“Is Chenle your roommate?”

“Yeah,” Jaemin answers with a slight shiver, igniting the last candle near the bedside. He removed his blanket when he went to nab the matches and candles. “His girlfriend gets free ones from work, so she always gives him a shit ton, even though he never uses them.”

With a glowing hue against his face, he blows out the match. He makes his way to you, a cocky grin plastered on him, as he says, “Guess we’re making use of them now, though.”

Before you can even respond, Jaemin gets right down to business—sitting beside you on the mattress, he palms your face and drags you in for a kiss. You softly yelp, but immediately reciprocate.

The cover falls off your body as you reach to touch him, fingers drifting over his solid arms.

You don’t want to stroke his large ego, and maybe it’s because you haven’t had anyone else on you in a while, but Jaemin’s kisses are something else.

The cushiony pair of lips always executes enough pressure against your mouth, increasing and decreasing on command in perfect tandem and timing. His hands hover over your waist and the nape of your neck, fingers sinking into your hot skin.  

His mouth trails downward the side of your neck. You crane your head back, indulging in his caresses as soft moans trickle out.

He gently signals for you to recline back and lay onto the mattress, moving the sea of blankets aside. Inclined on his elbow, almost atop of you, his cool fingers glide under your top layers, his thumb stroking against your stomach.

Pulling away from your body, he tugs on the ends of your clothes. You rise from the bed to better the angle for him to discard of them.

The hairs on your skin are standing on end from the frigid air, but you’re too focused on Jaemin’s mouth migrating over your upper arm and your bra-covered chest to care. Without notice, he stuffs a cup of the bra to one side and takes your bosom into his mouth.

Air’s seized from your lungs and your core contracts from the pleasure. Your fingers tug on Jaemin’s luscious locks and his free hand squeezes your unoccupied breast.    

After a few twirls of his tongue and a gentle drawing of his teeth on the pointed tip, he mumbles hotly into your chest while he thumbs your other nipple, “Foreplay still non-existent?”

“It’s better, I guess,” you sigh with fluttering eyes. His chuckling reverberates against your cleavage, a sign of amusement from your obstinacy. A gasp pierces the room as Jaemin repeats his actions onto the other breast.

He aids you in taking off the rest of your clothes and, obviously aware of your goosebumps and shuddering, tells you to get underneath the blankets while he strips himself.

Under the toasty ocean of layers, despite how both of you are bare-boned and how easy it is to jump into the main act, Jaemin purposefully continues to prolong the foreplay. Side by side, your lips meld endlessly; your legs and hands are intertwined in an amorous pretzel.

Jaemin ensures he doesn’t leave any part of you untouched—the pads of fingers virtually graze over every inch of your body. Each grip and drag of his digits sends you in a frenzy. Your chest is pressed into him and your eyes are blinded with desire.

In the back of your mind, you think about how you were right about foreplay working up to the heat of the moment—literally, because you’re dripping, he’s hard, and you two have embraced so much that you don’t need the blankets anymore.  

On the other hand, you wonder if Jaemin was right about skipping foreplay, because with every whisper of each other’s name, the intimacy rises immensely. You don’t know him, and neither him with you, but you’re both freely drowning in one another in a plane beyond the lust.

Although the room’s beginning to smell of a mix of all the scented candles, Jaemin hones in and drinks in your sweet aroma and your entirety behind his hazy eyes and already tousled hair. All of a sudden, one drag of his fingers over a particular sensitive spot on your body makes you giggle.

“I’m ticklish over there.”

“You mean right—” He drums his fingers over the area again. “—here?”

With a toothy grin, he generates more suffering from you and you begin to lively howl. Soon enough, you beg him to stop.

“You’re such an asshat, c’mon, let me live!”

When he ceases, his head hangs over yours and your gazes connect.

The same feeling blooms in his chest from before in the living room.

He gulps as his eyes waver over your face, unknowingly tracing your beautiful features and etching them into his memory.

Your starry eyes. Your glowing aura. Your everything.

You barely register the change in his expression because he quickly tramples on his moment of weakness by kissing you passionately.

Jaemin whips the blankets aside as he lowers himself between your legs. Your eyes are fixated on him, matching his stare, until he starts to devour you by swiping against your lustrous folds. Your back bows, and, following a few more licks, Jaemin makes a point of his knowledge of the vagina by spreading your lips and ravishing your pussy, tongue penetrating deeply.

Rippled moans release in harmony with your undulating chest. You swear you’re getting more wet, too wet, likely making it overwhelming for Jaemin, but he’s eagerly lapping every drop up.  

“How’s that?” he inquires with a grin, hovering over your trembling nether lips. His mouth is evidently glossy, even under the dim lighting.

“Good,” you pant in the most nonchalant tone you can muster up. “Very good-ahhh—”

Jaemin kindly interrupts you by tonguing your clit as he fingers your sex deeply, shattering your fake indifference.

“Move your tongue up more,” you direct, creasing your eyebrows in despair. He follows your direction, and droning moans ensue.

Jaemin’s immersed in your pleasure, but also adding to his own. The more he laps up your wetness, the more he grinds his length against the bed, aching to be inside of you.

Your desire pulses faster, contracting tighter against his fingers, body winding tensely by the second.

“Fuck, Jaemin,” you whine, leaning your head to one side with a parted mouth. “I’m close.”

He draws back and temporarily replaces his tongue with his thumb.

“Good,” he pants, cocking his head to one side. His eyes are filled with determination. “Because I’m not stopping until you come at least two more times tonight.”

You exhale a light laugh. “That’s ambiti-ohgodohgod—”

His tongue works wonders on your clit once more, so much that he has to brace your bucking hips.

Okay, maybe Jaemin did learn a thing or two and actually listened to what you said during your critique.

But now it’s time to demonstrate to him what you’ve learned.

You don’t need much of a break to catch your breath, nor do you want to immediately freeze due to inactivity, so you pull Jaemin in for an intense kiss, tongue dipping into the remnants of your own nectar, then beckon for him to take your former place on the bed.

Perched on the bottom of your feet, you’re on one side of Jaemin, lackadaisically fisting his prominence. After a few strokes, you gradually swallow his inches, keeping in mind to relax your jaw and to not rush in order to avoid any potential teething. You do this to prove yourself worthy of giving head, but also in spite, because you absolutely do not need Jaemin to brand you a virgin again.  

You read his quiet groans and his long fingers running lazily through your hair as a positive sign and advance further.

Carefully, you rest your tongue beneath the underside of his cock and bob your head, licking him until he’s sopping with your saliva. His grip in your hair grows in strength as his length reaches the end of your throat, his groans becoming more and more drawn-out.

A needy whimper leaves him as you suddenly withdraw. Dribbles of your spit follow, and you wipe it off with the back of your hand.  

“How am I doing?” you glow in a pant, lazily stroking the doused shaft.

He simply nods with half-lidded eyes, barely able to look at you. “Yeah.”

You snicker at him in his breathless position, a prickle of pride running through your spine over the fact that you blew his mind as much as you blew his dick.

“Use your words, Jaemin.”

Teasingly, your fingers curl around his blunt head, soothing the sensitive tip and sending jolts throughout him.

“Fuck—” he pulls his bottom lip upward. “Awesome. You’re doing awesome.”

“Anything to critique?”

“Mm-mm,” he shakes his head restlessly. You revel a bit more in having the upper hand on him a little while longer. You grip him tighter and hasten your speed, leaving him gasping for air.

“Am I still rusty?”

“Nope, nope,” he croaks, voice rising to a whine. “Definitely not rusty.”

“You sure?” His cockiness has transferred over to you.

“Yes, yes—fuck, slow down, please,” Jaemin begs.    

Granting his wish, you abate your rhythm and free his inches from your touch.

You wipe your hands on the sides of the bed while Jaemin rummages through the drawer of his nightstand and hastily rolls over the rubber over himself before he prepares to enter the body beneath his.  

Recalling your advice, Jaemin mindfully starts off slow. You sigh blissfully in sync to his thrusts. He adjust himself, attempting another angle, and you draw in air between your teeth.

“There, there—“

Jaemin’s quick-witted and keeps at it, plunging a bit more vigorously. Out of habit, your hands grasp onto the bedsheets, but you wittingly attach them to his frame. Hands grazing his neck, his firm pecs, and his taut muscles.  

“Touch-touch my stomach,” he orders in a hush.

You hands follow through and feel up the flexed valley of his abs. Feeling up evolves into desperate gripping and even the slight dragging of your nails.

“Your abs are so fucking hot,” you state thoughtlessly, eyes eating up the view alongside his cock disappearing in and out of you. “Jesus, fuck.”

“Yeah?” he rasps with that devilish smirk of his. God, you want to smack it off him, but not right now—not when you’re reaching euphoria. “You’re not just saying that?”

Oh, you’ve definitely stroked his ego now, but there’s no turning back. Truth spills from you on a whim.

“You’re a fucking masterpiece,” you gasp acutely.

You’re starting to wither away, yet, as if they have a life of their own, your hands drift away from him and find a new home atop your breasts.

“You make me feel so good, Jaemin...”

Jaemin’s eyes go wide. His mouth hangs at the lewdness of you touching yourself.

“Fuck, holy shit.”

His gaze doesn’t leave your ecstatic face or humming body for a second as you knead your breasts and tweak your nipples between your fingers. Your back arches further when Jaemin deepens his sweet, fulfilling thrusts. He’s holding himself back, not wanting to end this beautiful deed just yet.

The stimulation bursts over your body, both from your own doing and Jaemin’s.  

You plead, “Faster, please, faster.”

And he complies, but he also rubs your bundle of nerves, causing a tight knot in you to build up and your shallow moans transform into heavy screams. You clasp onto his back and claw at the protruding shoulder blades.  

“I’m-I’m—”

You clench, both with your core and your nails digging into him, but Jaemin’s unrelenting, capturing your second peak for the evening.

Instead of coming after you, he shockingly veers lower and closer to you and curbs his pace.

“Was that real?”

You respond with an exhausted nod. Oddly, the smile he shows this time isn’t arrogant, but warm and teetering the line of tenderness. His lips fuse with yours before they stray towards your neck. The passion stews as he sucks your tits, all the while lunging laxly into you.  

With an obscene pop!, Jaemin removes himself from your nubs.

“Ready for the last round?”

His fast thrusts, hitting you precisely in the best spot, cloud your already weakened logic, deterring you from making any response.    

Perspiration is blatant on both individuals. For him, his forehead glistens gorgeously with his damp hair. For you, the back of your bent knees are gluing together. Your bodies are about to pass out, but you both persevere until the end.

As you convulse and perish together in beautiful agony, coincidentally enough, the bulbs in the room and in the streets leap to radiance.

Together, you collapse onto the bed side by side, panting heavily and laughing.

“Told you we weren’t going to die.”

You turn your head to see Jaemin looking at you with a cheeky grin. In retaliation, you stick your tongue out.

By nighttime, it’s finally stopped snowing outside. However, the streets won’t be cleared until morning, at the very least.

But... you’re surprisingly okay with that.

In a turn of events, the sex inexplicably makes the two of you warm up to each other. There still is targeted banter and tension between you, lingering from before, but it’s less hostile and more playful.

During a fancy Christmas Eve dinner of microwavable pizzas, you poke fun at each other’s majors and discuss your respective hobbies in depth, especially his love for photography. Jaemin even asks if he can take a picture of you, claiming that the kitchen lighting actually looks nice on someone for once.  

“Is that how you collect the memory of your one-night stands? Instead of hanging their skins in your closet, you sweet-talk your way and keep all the photos of them?” you joke, referring to the video call from yesterday night. It feels like an eternity ago, but snowstorms tend to do that.

He chuckles behind the camera as he snaps a photo of you scrunching your face cutely.

“Yeah, but you’re the first one who has clothes on,” he says, glancing down at the photo on the camera roll.  

“Ugh, gross,” you cringe and take a sip of tea.

Jaemin doesn’t add anything further. He leaves out the fact that he never keeps any traces of his one-night stands, that you’re the first girl he’s taken a picture of in a while.  

After a few hours of more talking and even some gaming with one another, sleep is much needed. Jaemin offers an extra toothbrush and a sweater and pair of sweats to sleep in. You’re facing each other on his bed, noses almost touching.  

“It’s been a while since I haven’t had sex with a girl before I slept next to them,” he whispers, adjusting himself comfortably. The side of his face rests on his piled hands. “It’s kinda nice.”

You cover your mouth as you yawn, then lay your hand back under your head, reflecting the same position as Jaemin.

“You know, it might be my sleepiness talking, but maybe you’re not the worst person in the world to be stuck with during a snowstorm.”

A lovely chuckle echoes in your ear. “I’m glad you’ve had a change of heart.”

After a few moments, your eyes are fluttering to a close until he softly calls out your name.

“Hm?” you stir awake, but not by much.

“Do you...?”

Jaemin doesn’t know what’s gotten to him, doesn’t quite understand why the defences he built for so long are crumbling down in only a day of knowing you.  

And yet, something urges him to give it a chance.

Blowing out a shaky sigh, he anxiously intertwines his fingers with yours. You hum softly at the action and a small smile blooms on your face.

“Do you want to go on a date with me sometime?”

“Hm?” His question doesn’t take you aback as much as you would be if you were fully awake. But even in your drowsy state, you have quips in hand. “Jaemin, the notorious fuckboy and serial one-night stander, wants to go on a date?”

“Yeah,” he replies gently, brushing your loose hair out of your face.

Another yawn. “I thought you said you don’t want feelings and relationships and all that shit.”

His fingers trace your pretty jawline and shrugs. “One date doesn’t mean we’re going to be in a relationship, I’m sure you know that.”

You pause for a good two seconds, but the two seconds feel like forever for Jaemin.

“Mmm, fine. One date, just one.” You barely hold up your pointer finger. “And only because it’s Christmas tomorrow. ‘Tis the season to be giving...”

Relief washes over Jaemin in the form of a smile. Embracing the blatant feeling in his chest this time, he plants a light kiss on your nose and wishes you sweet dreams, even though you’ve already fallen soundly asleep.  

Sunlight pours over your eyes on Christmas morning.

Déjà vu peculiarly creeps up on you, but the only thing that’s the same as yesterday is waking up in Jaemin’s bed.

He’s next to you this time, deep in his peaceful slumber, instead of waiting for you to leave by his doorframe. The snow has finally stopped, and you think you hear the faint noises of snow plows outside. You inhale deeply and also notice the faded aroma from all the scented candles from last night.

The scenes of yesterday flicker across your mind. The incredible sex. The talking. The dinner. The interlocking of his fingers with yours.

The date he asked you out on.

You stare at him, watching him sleep with a sense of content.

Turning your body, you routinely check your phone, which is charging beside his. You have a slew of Merry Christmas texts from several chats and a few private messages from your friends.

Your attention falls on Jaemin’s phone when it lights up with a notification, likely texts from his friends and family too.

But that’s not what you’re focusing on.

Your heart sinks at the sight of his lockscreen.

It’s a picture of him and a girl kissing.

A twinge emerges in your chest and twists harder and harder.

Jaemin being a fuckboy, you can respect. People can do whatever they want with their lives.

But to cheat?

That’s unforgivable, and a true sin if there ever was one.

You scramble to dash out of there, careful not to make any noises in fear of waking Jaemin up. However, Jaemin’s sensitive to the sounds of the front door, so he rouses awake. His eyes flit open, noticing how you’re gone. He then sees his phone blowing up and adds two and two together.

With his phone in hand, Jaemin rushes to get on a coat and stuffs his feet into his boots, not giving a shit that he’s wearing his thin pajamas in the coldness. He’s bounding down the flight of stairs and onto the bright, white wonderland of the streets.

He swivels his head and catches sight of you almost past down the block, slowly trekking through the thick snow. Jaemin sprints, as much as he can, and hops towards you.  

He yells your name, making others on the street turn, but you don’t. You continue forward without looking back.

“Wait! I can explain!”

You’re trying to gain speed, but cardio isn’t your friend. Thankfully for Jaemin, it’s a close friend for him.

“I don’t wanna fucking hear it, Jaemin,” you grunt, hearing the rapid crunching of his shoes coming closer. “Get lost.”

“No, listen to me for a second.”

The boyish man grasps you by the arm and turns you around. You throw his arm away from you and he holds his hands in the air, letting you know that he respects your space. He drops his hands and sees that you’re seething, even worse than you were when he kicked you out yesterday.

“How are you going to explain your lockscreen with you kissing your fucking girlfriend?! Hm?”

“Ex,” he pants in clarification. “Ex-girlfriend.”

Your eyebrows mesh together in utter confusion.

“Okay? That doesn’t make me feel any better, knowing that you’re still hung up on your ex.”

Jaemin shakes his head and rakes a hand through his hair. You note the large clouds he exhales and how he’s barely wearing any clothes. A tinge of sympathy passes through you, wanting to give him some of your clothes for extra layers, but you smother that quickly in your state of rage.  

“I’m not hung up on her. Remember you asked me yesterday why I don’t want girls to stay the next morning?”

You cock your head impatiently, as if saying, “Yeah.”

“Well, I don’t want to attach myself to girls. I can’t. I...”

He lowers his head to one side. Shutting his eyes, a long puff emits from his mouth.

“She cheated on me.”

The snow plows in the distance can’t compare to the pumping of your heart in your ears. All the feelings you felt in the last day, but especially in the last fifteen minutes, jumble together in your head, making you feel uneasy and unsure of what to exactly feel or comprehend of the situation.  

But you do know one thing, despite the fact that you two barely know each other, the pained look on his face is real—that this is the untold story behind his ways.  

Jaemin lifts his head and holds out his phone for emphasis. “The lockscreen serves as a constant reminder that dating and feelings will and can fuck me up.”

Carefully, he steps a little closer to you and slowly cups your face in his shaking hands. You don’t pull away nor is there the same anger from moments before, so he daintily runs his thumbs over your cheeks.

“Until you showed me yesterday that maybe I’m willing to give it all another shot. Risk it all for fuck knows what, but you make it look like it’s worth it.”

He continues his ramble after adjusting some of your hair from the ongoing breeze.

“Sure, it’s Christmas today, but I don’t want you to say yes to going on a date with me just because it is. I want you to say yes because maybe you like spending time with me just as much as I like to spend it with you.”

You’re completely disoriented—your eyes are shifting everywhere but his eyes and your lips are quivering with no words coming out. He sighs understandingly. 

“Look, I know you’re probably having second thoughts and you don’t have to give me an answer right now. Think on it for as much time as you need, but I want you to know that I genuinely like you and I want to go on an actual date with you.”

He peels his hand away from your face and raises it into the air as if taking an oath.

“I, Na Jaemin, the notorious fuckboy and serial one-night stander, will devote to monogamy once again if it means I can date you.”

His hands grab yours, kisses the back of them, and then he presses one kiss onto your icy cheek prior to walking away.

“Merry Christmas,” he says with a sad smile. “You know where to find me if you change your mind.”

Later that evening at your large family’s Christmas party, you take another dreadful gulp of your wine.

It’s the happy holiday season, but why does everyone feel the need to stick their nose in your dating life? Well, really, a lack there of.

“Why are you still single?” Layers of their voices resound the same question in your head. You take another swig.

Potential unsaid answers that you kept to yourself fly around as you swish the drink in your glass.  

Because you choose to be.

Okay, not really, but it’s the easiest answer.  

Because you haven’t found the right guy to get you back in the game.

What does that even mean? What makes the right guy even right?

The right guy? It’s someone who makes you laugh, someone who gives as good as they can take it, someone who wants you just as much as you do.

The cogs move in your head as you take one more sip before you finally come to the conclusion—  

Because you didn’t find the right guy until last night.

Despite the mess of today and yesterday morning, you realize that Jaemin is... actually sort of sweet. Annoying, yes, but he keeps you on your toes. It’s a plus that he’s easy on the eyes, but it’s a bigger plus that he’s even easier to talk to.

And if he can find it in his scorched heart to trust you, you can find it in your heart to trust him too.  

You quickly say your good-byes to your family and let them know you have other plans with friends tonight.

As the Uber rolls up to his apartment building, you realize you probably should’ve messaged him on Tinder, but it’s worth a shot to see if he’s home. Anyways, impulsiveness is a controlling entity, as evident from your Christmas Eve Eve’s adventure.

And in retrospect, perhaps Jaemin was the perfect pick of the crop after all.  

Someone’s entering the building and lets you in behind them. You take the stairs two at a time and hear booming music coming from his floor. At first, you assume it’s from other apartments, but it’s all coming from one—his.

Without a thought, your knuckle taps the door.  

A handsome figure that’s definitely not Jaemin opens the door. Behind him, you see a group of young men scattered around the living room, and some have a few girls tucked under their arms.

The man eyes you up and down with a spark in his eye. He’s not Jaemin, but he surely reminds you of him.

“And who might you be?” he asks.

“Who’s at the door, Jeno?” An unknown male voice hollers in a high pitch from the couch. He’s one of the guys with a girl attached to him.

You blink. “Uhm, I’m—”

“She’s with me!” Jaemin shoves the flirty stranger aside and tugs you by your wrist, making headway to his bedroom. He flips the light switch on and the door clicks shut.

“What are you doing h—”

You cut him off with a kiss.

An innocent one, at first, with hints of alcohol on each other’s lips. Your arms wrap around the other and the passion increases with the mingling of your tongues, each party tasting and confirming the specific drinks you both consumed tonight.  

Jaemin forces himself to pull away and presses his forehead against yours. “Did you just come all the way here to kiss me, or...?”

“Maybe I came over to ask... if I can stay with you for another night?” you playfully ask, fingers intertwining behind the nape of his neck.  

He chuckles heartily. His fingers sink into the sides of your waist. “Is my dick that great? The sex with me that amazing?”

“Mmm, that’s definitely a benefit,” you agree, fluttering your nose against his. “But I want more than that—“ You poke a finger to his chest. “—I want the man behind the dick.”

Your gazes converge, bringing you together as one.

“I want to go on that date with you. I want you, Jaemin.”

He flashes a megawatt smile that could compete with a million Christmas lights, but it fades suddenly and you’re unsure why he seems like he’s about to bawl his eyes out.

“That’s so beautiful, I might cry.” He brings a finger to his eye, pretending to shed a tear.

Oh, yeah—you’re definitely going to need to hire someone to constantly shove your eyeballs back into your sockets if you’re going to date Jaemin.

“Oh, shut up,” you whisper, yanking him in for another kiss.

Three dates later, including a memorable New Year’s Eve, you finally decide to rid of the Tinder app for good.

With his arm around you on his living room couch, Jaemin glances over your shoulder.

“Really? You’re finally deleting your Tinder?”

You snort in disbelief. “That’s gold, coming from the King of Tinder himself. When did you delete?”

He turns to face the television and shrugs coolly.

“Maybe I didn’t.”

“Wouldn’t put it past you,” you nod, eyes still on your phone.

“Nah, I’m kidding, I did.”    

You sharply turn your head.

“No way. When?” you press with narrow eyes.  

A shy smile emerges on Jaemin’s face as he picks his pants over his thighs.

“On the night of Christmas Eve, after you agreed to go on a date with me.”