#i did this at like 3am last night

[hinamie]

binding vow

[mossfeathers]

day 6 of lifetober- listeners (click for higher quality + reblogs appreciated)

yes i know this is a scene from evo. sue me. also version w/o filters and the ref pic i used (martyns there too)

[myokk]

soft🥹

[royaltea000]

I’ve never felt so conflicted about a franchise in my life but at least this dude was hot

[deeply-unserious-fellow]

I know Robbie is supposed to be one of those edgy ass losers who constantly talk about how fucked up they are in the head despite having a completely normal homelife, but like... Idk man, he lives in a graveyard with parents who use glass caskets WITH BODIES INSIDE for tables, casually call him by his full legal name when they aren't even mad for some fucking reason, and are just kinda. Scary in general. I think he kinda has a right to be Like That, y'know? Obviously I'm not trying to excuse him being a douche or whatever(seriously who the fuck beefs with a 12 year old because the kid has a crush on their girlfriend?), but I think a lot of his personality makes much more sense when you look at him through the lense of "this is a 16 year old who was raised in a relatively isolated and scary part of town, with parents who do not treat serious things like death with the gravity those subjects deserve". Nobody that was raised in that kind of environment is gonna turn out well adjusted are you kidding me!?

[narugen]

alright buckle up it’s time for me to spread my hoshina/mina agenda

1. mina being unserious as hell with the most serious face when it comes to hoshina (taking a picture of him being upset over losing kaiju #8)

2. “could you be the one to carve the path for me?” she specifically asked him because of his swordsmanship that every elder/senior in his life had dismissed him for citing it was an end of an era. she’s the only one who believed in him after years of being put down by everybody (even his own family)

3. devotion & loyalty & trust - do i even need to say anything they make me go crazy

i can’t add anymore pics so i’ll word dump properly in another post but wow i’m bonkers abt them 😭 something something thank you for choosing me / thank you for being someone i can rely on

[robinfollies]

that one pajama tweet but it’s fanto and billie 🥺

[timelord-of-the-moon]

About the Wicked cliffhanger...

[pyrosomatic-metamorphosis]

in honour of the new life series and also the Incredible binge i just did of cleo's last life series-- here's a really old piece i did back when last life ended. cleo and her rivers....

[wurmwizzard]

two toads and a warm old man

[wardensantoineandevka]

it's really funny that in all this gods debate, both in-universe and in the fandom, the Betrayer Gods are never accounted for except when it's occasionally convenient, again both in-universe and in the fandom, to list harms the Betrayer Gods specifically did or instigated, then ascribe it to broadly "the gods" (even when often the Prime Deities were involved in mitigating, opposing, or ending these things)

but for the most part, much of the discussion in both places centers on the Prime Deities, even when its "the gods" bc usually framed with "the powers in Vasselheim" of which the Betrayer Gods are not part. a lot of reasons for removing the gods from the world that discuss Vasselheim and temple hierarchies are about mortal systems related to the Prime Deities, and often I have a sense that people (in and out of universe) forget that there's a whole other half of the pantheon. if this is about killing the gods, then it is also about Lolth and Gruumsh and Asmodeus as much as it is Pelor—but it always feels that very few among even those in FAVOR of killing the gods think about the Betrayers at all.

but, the point I'm doing a poor job of unpacking here is that in conversations about the hierarchies of the world, worship of the Betrayer Gods is generally disallowed throughout the world—but a god-eater will eat those gods just the same. it's an interesting wrinkle in the entire construction of the arguments in-universe and out that generally goes completely unaddressed. if this is about freeing Exandria from the shackles of the gods, which much of the time is directly indicated to be referring to the influence of the Prime Deities as the mainline religion in the world, then one would suppose we need to unpack if the Betrayer Gods should be on the menu too.

it's just really interesting few seem to factor in that a lot of discussion about systems and presence does not meaningfully address Betrayer Gods. there just doesn't seem to be a place for them in this conversation anywhere, which is especially interesting when Calamity covered the resentments between the Prime Deities and the Betrayers and when Vespin was pitching "how about we kill the Betrayer Gods specifically, maybe replace them with nicer gods or disperse their domains out?" which is interesting against all this.

[running-in-the-dark]

my niece is staying with us for the whole weekend for the first time. until now it's always been one night only, not two.

it's the second night now and I have already decided this is not happening again anytime soon. I'm so fucking exhausted. it'd be less exhausting if it was my nephew, I think - he's older and also doesn't need as much help (even when he was her age).

I love my niece but she just asks so many questions. like when we're watching a show or a movie, even if it's one she has seen before (even multiple times), she doesn't understand what's going on and constantly asks me to explain everything. I don't mind it, really, but it does take a lot of energy. plus tonight it took over two hours for her to fall asleep because she was scared by the noises of the house and the nearby road. I get it, but damn I'm so fucking tired, I just want to sleep 😭

[skoulsons]

Joel feeling like a failure and feeling the need to apologize to Ellie, even over things he can’t control, is, I think, very much an anxiety thing. And also comes down to who you are at your core. Even him telling Tommy, “I have to leave her,” because he doubts his capabilities in being able to protect her in the long run and believes she’ll be better off without him

Joel loves hard. He loves really hard when he does. He loved Tess, despite his inability to show it to her the extent I think we all believe it was. He loves Tommy, we know that. He was willing to drive cross country just to make sure he was okay after three weeks of radio silence. Maybe not loved, but he sure started to care about Henry and Sam and was willing to let them join he and Ellie on their journey to Jackson. And he loves, loves Ellie. More than he’s even comfortable with. (Un)willing to leave her, shove her away from him, even if it means she’ll be safe, as much as he wants to keep her right next to him, held against his side

But what comes with loving someone, what comes with having a heart like this, and what comes with this fear of the well-being and safety of those around you, is a striking belief in your inability to do for them what you believe you should do. It is blaming yourself for things out of your control when they come up in the others life. It’s believing you’re responsible for…nearly everything about them. It is caring way too much about them that you want to take that pain upon yourself to relieve that person of it. And it, in turn, makes you believe you’re not good enough when you can’t. Incapable. Unworthy. Along with the general mix of…not feeling adequate or good enough in general. You want to help this person in every way, but your belief in your inadequacy creates such a debilitating sense of understanding of what you really want and who you are

But, I say it’s an anxiety thing because of believing that person will blame you for something that’s out of your control. That because you couldn’t stop something that, frankly, is completely out of your control and responsibility and could’ve never stopped in a million years, you find a way to blame yourself and, in turn, think this person will also blame you for not being able to stop it. Because you care too much and are too freaked over protecting them that your understanding of how they feel gets completely warped. That you think they’ll lash out and cut you off. That they’ll be angry with you for what you couldn’t stop. And, out of the fear of believing that could happen, you take it upon yourself to apologize. To try and take it and place the blame upon yourself. To try and keep that person from becoming angry with you

And we know Joel (I think??) took anti anxiety meds even Before. That he was forced to cut it immediately, worsening it tremendously. And with how hard he loves, especially Ellie? That’s a nightmare for mental health. His fear over her life and well-being. His belief in his inability to protect her due to how afraid he is. How he’s failed at protecting her innocence, something that is inevitably out of his control because of the world they live in. How he probably blames himself for Ellie watching Henry off himself. Something, again, he could not control because Henry threatened his life. And nearly Ellie’s. And he tells Tommy he has to leave her because he believes he’s incapable and unworthy of protecting her. Maybe it is his age and hearing. More than that, I think it’s a mix of this anxiety and his golden love for her that makes him think it’s the right thing to do

People like this, like me, need a lot of convincing. Convincing and reaffirming that not everything is on us. That we can be taken care of. That we can take breaks and don’t have to hold the weight of the world on our shoulders, and I think that’s exactly what Winter does for Joel and Ellie. For Joel to, in my opinion, view himself in this light and to shove her away and for her to come running back, holding his hand and telling him, wordlessly, that she is there to take care of him. She’s there to convince him, “it’s you and me. Rest, let me take care of you.” To reaffirm and comfort him through it. Sure, he’s forced to rest bc he’s basically comatose, but it applies to at least the beginning. That his probably last real moment of consciousness before he wakes in episode 8 was her coming back to take care of him. To show him that it’s not just him

[butts-bouncing-on-the-beltway]

I don't have a lot of energy these days [because of The Horrors] so I'm looking at my day and my priorities and trying to plan how I'm going to spend what energy I have, because I do need to be able to rest and relax but there are also things that need doing and that is a careful balance for me.

I managed to [mostly] clean the kitchen last night so I've kicked it out of the priority list until next weekend. Unfortunately the living room, bathroom, bedroom, and my office all need cleaning too. I think of the priorities, my office and the bedroom are the most important to me, so I'll probably push the living room and bathroom until at least Friday.

There's also the laundry. I don't have any clean clothes and as we're moving into winter I need to be more rigid about getting that done because days where the clothes can be dried on the line will be more limited. So I definitely need to wash an outfit or two and hang them up in the next hour.

That's already a really busy day, so I'll probably cut it there. But it's definitely going to still leave me a lot of work this week. Half my cleaning, at least one more round of laundry, settling dog food for the next couple of weeks, planting the fall/winter greens, doing some set up work on my computer, work on some writing projects, cleaning out the fridge, and patching some worn clothes. My work week isn't insane atm, but it is definitely limiting. Right now I have 6+4+0+4+2+5+5= 25 non work/non-survival needs (sleep, food, shower, etc) hours available each week. I need to figure out a regukar distribution of these that means everything is getting done and I still have an hour a day to myself as often as possible. I think it's probably not realistic to give myself more than an hour a day for free time/fun, which is a bit unfortunate because I've found in the past that my floor tends to be getting 2-3hrs of free time most days because of how I deal with transition and decision-making.

25-7 [1hr per day] is 18 hrs, so I just need to decide where and how to distribute those in order to keep pace with things.

Lets say the garden needs 3hrs per week, the laundry needs 4 hours (specifically 2 sets of 2 morning/early afternoon hours), the cleaning needs an hour a day to get through a maintenance clean of the house, and 3 hours once a week to work down any deep cleaning that's built up. Which is....already three more hours than I actually have each week. So I guess I'll make a plan to work in the garden for 20-40min of 4 of my free hours each week.

It really doesn't leave me any wiggle room. Only about 4 hours a week that isn't explicitly allotted to something that needs doing, which means there will probably me a lot of weeks where I only get an hour or so at best across the whole thing for free time. I guess I've had a hard time accepting that at this point, having actual time for myself or a time-intensive project is only available if I've taken a day off work. I love my job, but it's ... not comfortable to realize that it's the only love in my life I actually have time for anymore.

I think that's probably why I end up here so much. It's this mindless little way of zoning out into my own head, dissociating away from the exhaustion, for a few minutes at a time. I keep thinking I want to use this space differently, make it more if the things I enjoy. But I think what I really want is just to actually have the time and energy to do things I love that take work. I keep crying a few times every day and I couldn't figure out why, but like

I dunno

Why **wouldn't** I cry a little every day? It's the closest I'm getting to actual emotional release or relaxation in my life. We'd probably all cry. Heck. A lot of us probably DO, capitalism being what it is.

I guess I'm starting to wonder why I'm doing what I'm doing. What is there left for me to sacrifice to this life? What is actually serving me about not just letting myself go up like a fireball and take my surroundings with me? What in the ever loving fuck am I fighting this hard for?

All I ever want, all I want now, is to be able to live. To really, actually live. How does wanting to live bring you this close to killing yourself, whether on accident or on purpose? What am I actually doing that is LIVING and what am I doing that is FACILITATION of living? It can't all be facilitation, or I'm not actually facilitating fuck all.

I'm 30 goddamn years old and I need to figure out what it looks like to actually love my life. I fundamentally refuse to zombify myself like this for everyone else around me forever.

[faeparrish]

my girlfriend can’t stop luring the neighbourhood cats into our flat

[matsui-sinclair]

rotating phil connors and gale dekarios in my mind. sometimes you want to kill yourself so bad (stuck in a time loop) (been convinced you're only worth anything when you're dead) but you can't (stuck in a time loop) (your death would kill countless others) so you're forced to stay alive on a technicality. having absolutely everything that you remotely cared about robbed from you and now you aren't even granted suicide. and then as you're walking through your living death & desperately trying to close the gap between Now and when you can finally die (escape the time loop) (sacrifice yourself) some motherfucker (rita) (me) worms their way through the gap and you realise exactly how much you want to live. just in time. all i'm saying is put gale in a time loop he'd love it