#i did not mean to talk about dragon firearms so much this is mostly just me complaining about history facts

[wings-of-waffles]

you know the ha ha funny joke tui made about Mastermind doing calculus?? in guide to the dragon world? calculus was only invented in the late 1600s, which would be:

a) solidly in the renaissance (aka not medieval, as we've been led to belive), which does line up with a lot of their technology and social state better than the middle ages.

b) after guns were invented. like after guns as we think of them today are invented. considering dragons are a warfaring species, they would have 100% invented that by now. They could've even been made of metal and readily available, too.

(also even if this isn't a renaissance, a sort of mini-renaissance clearly just happened or is about to happen. like they have doctors who don't kill you more and at least one scientist.)

[duhragonball]

shadowjack12345 replied to your photo “Got a commission this week by the awesome FrauleinPflaume, and it...”

Nice to finally see Zatte, I always liked her - she's dangerous in a way we don't often get in DB.

Hey, thanks, that means a lot to me.    Also, this is all the prompting I need to try to explain how I came up with the character.   Spoilers under the cut.

The thing that held me up early on was that I couldn’t decide if Luffa’s “career” in the past should be long or short.   I used the Bardock: Father of Goku TV special as a model of a “short” Luffa arc.    You have this character who’s only mentioned in passing (by Raditz), and the TV special fleshes him out and kills him off in the space of an hour.   Then he wakes up in the past in the 2011 “Episode of Bardock” Special, if you want to count that.    On some level, I imagined it could be possible to give Luffa a really quick run in her native era, and then send her to the future to join the TIme Patrol, like the Bardock specials.   

I worked on Chapter 126 and 127 today, so I think it’s clear that I did not go down that route.   I knew the alternative would be to really flesh out the character, having her go through multiple adventures like Goku in Dragon Ball.   That meant I had to come up with extra stuff for her to do.   The simple fact is that I really enjoyed writing the character, and I wanted to take the long road, so that later on, when she refers to her past exploits, there would be some weight to them.   

So I worked on coming up with stuff for her to do in between major plot points.   I thought about giving her some love interests, since we’d never seen a Saiyan character jump from one relationship to another, like Spider-Man in the 70′s.   At some point, I thought it might be interesting to have her run into an old flame, someone who knew her before she went Super.   

The problem with that was that when we first meet Luffa, she’s only 19 years old, and she’s been married to Kandai for about a year.    And she’s been living on the Dorlun colony for about five years.    I say this like someone else foisted this problem on me, but I’m the one who came up with all that stuff, to better amplifly the tragedy she experiences before turning Super Saiyan.   This isn’t some seasoned veteran who’s been all over the universe, loving and leaving ‘em from one planet to the next.     She’s young and inexperienced and isolated in a very small community.    

But I still liked the idea, and I hadn’t published Chapters 1-10 yet, so I still had a lot of room to set things up for later.   I realized the only way this would work would be if the “old flame” was a Dorlun who had admired Luffa from afar.    And that led me to Captain Mesas, the leader of the Dorlun militia.  

Mesas originally served only one purpose, which was to be a sort of proxy who could represent the entire Dorlun colony that Luffa had been hired to defend.   I assigned her gender at random, I think.    I just know that I didn’t put a ton of thought into it, since I was planning to kill all of the Dorluns off later anyway.   Luffa would take this personally, because she came to appreciate these people without really admitting it, and this would be demonstrated by her respect for Mesas, who was their lead warrior, and thus the most Saiyan-like of the bunch.   Eventually, I renamed her Captain Zatte, because I had settled on naming all the Dorlun characters after anagrams of metric prefixes, i.e. “zetta”.  

So I quickly came to the conclusion that the only way this “reunited with an old flame” idea would work would be if it was a Dorlun, and the only one that would make any sense would have to be Zatte, and the only way that could work would be if there was some sort of romantic tension between them.    They couldn’t be lovers in those early chapters because Luffa was married at the time, but later, there would need to be a moment where Zatte would confess her feelings and Luffa would have to feel the same way.   

And this is how I ended up making Luffa bisexual.    I didn’t want Zatte to be a man, and I couldn’t make Luffa gay, because I needed her to start out in a marriage to a Saiyan man.   Too much of the plot depended upon that.   I struggled with this decision for a couple of reasons.   

First, I wasn’t sure I could pull it off, and I didn’t know if I wanted this story to be my first try, because I was already trying to do a lot of other new tricks.   I didn’t want real-world wlw’s to see this story and be disappointed by my amateurish attempt to get it right.    

Second, I felt disingenuous about making such a major change to the character for my own convenience.    I felt like I’d seen that a lot in comic books over the years, where writers would seemingly assign bisexuality to characters arbitrarily, or for “shock” value, or just to be salacious.  I didn’t want readers to think I was only doing this for shallow reasons, or to get my jollies writing two girls making out.  

But at the same time, I really wanted to do it this way, and I finally decided to just go with it and see where it took me.   In hindsight, I realize that I was just being a fraidy cat about the whole thing.   Writing wlw romance isn’t so functionally different from mlw romance, and once I got used to the idea, I realized the only thing I needed to do was to treat it with the proper respect.    And really, this wasn’t so far off from the original premise.    I wanted to make the “Legendary Super Saiyan” a woman to defy convention and to piss off dudebros.    Making her queer just continues that same line of reasoning, right?   I used to see jackasses on the internet say that women couldn’t turn Super Saiyan because they couldn’t “get angry enough,” which is pretty similar to a lot of biphobic crap I’ve heard on the internet.    I mean, I used to listen to Loveline on the radio around 2001, and Dr. Drew was acting like bisexuality was some made-up thing.    Apparently Dr. Drew went nuts somewhere along the way, or maybe he always was, but he seemed pretty progressive in 2001, and he accepted gay and lesbian callers just fine, but he told bi callers to “figure out what they want”, and that never sat right with me.   People used to say there were no such things as black swans, too.    That’s Luffa all over.     You can deny her all you want, but she’ll still kick your ass.  

I’m this close to going off on a rant about J.K. Rowling, so let me try to force myself to talk about Zatte here.    The problem I ran into almost immediately was that I wrote what I had originally planned for her, and I was very pleased with how it turned out.  And then I had to move on to the next arc, and yet, she was still there, and I knew I’d have to do something with her.    I feel like I’ve been winging it ever since, but my main priority was to set her apart from Keda, the other Dorlun character I kept around.  So I ran with the idea that Zatte is more “Saiyan-like” than the rest of her species, and maybe that makes her a little radical at times, maybe not in a way we humans might notice, but a way that other Dorluns would find unsettling.   Dorluns are survivalists, and for them “risk” is a four-letter word, but Zatte’s a thrillseeker at heart.   She wants to survive in spite of the dangers rather than back away from them.    Keda would find somewhere to hide for several months until it’s safe to come out, but Zatte would try to go all Die Hard on a situation.   Keda sticks close to Luffa because Luffa is the strongest person in the universe, so by Luffa’s side is arguably the safest place to be.    Zatte sticks close to Luffa because she’s a furry being by Luffa’s side is arguably the most dangerous place to be.    If she can survive there, she can survive anywhere.  

There’s also the whole fanaticism angle.   At some point, I came up with the idea that Zatte sees Luffa’s Super Saiyan emergence as a watershed moment in history.     I sort of threw that together, mostly to make Luffa uncomfortable and to add some tension to their relationship, but it also distinguishes Zatte from characters like Chi-Chi or Bulma, who see Super Saiyan as a lot of flashy nonsense, signifying nothing.    “Punk rocker?   Don’t you understand?   Your son is a miracle!”

That angle is kind of hard for me to work with, because I also tried to make Zatte very grounded at the same time.    I guess it’s like if you had Jerusalem Syndrome but you were very self-aware the entire time.   You make a toga out of your hotel linens and just constantly saying “Man, I’m just being really nutty right now, but oh well.”

A lot of her tactics are sort of rooted in stuff I thought made sense with the weaker characters in Dragon Ball.   I don’t really know how strong Zatte would be.    I envisioned her as being like a “mere mortal”, like Lois Lane, but in Dragon World even guys like Mr. Satan are insanely tough.   I’m pretty sure Bulma could kick Brock Lesnar’s ass if she visited our own world.   He’d F5 her and she’d just get up and slap him in the face and he’d collapse.    I feel like if Zatte entered the 23rd Budokai, she could sweep the entire thing.   That’s not what I set out to do, and it sounds really arrogant because I’d be putting her over Goku and Piccolo, but come on, that’s low-tier by DBZ standards.   If she couldn’t dominate the 23rd Budokai, then definitely the 22nd, which also sounds unthinkable, but that’s how this crazy show works.   Yajirobe could have won the 22nd Budokai if he’d only thought to enter it.   

My point is that “weaker” characters can do a lot from the sidelines if they know their limits and pick their spots, like Tien using the Kikoho on Cell and Super Buu, or Yajirobe cutting off Vegeta’s tail, and so forth.    Most of those guys hate resorting to that sort of thing, because they prefer to stand and fight in the open, but Zatte specializes in sneaky hit-and-run attacks.   She should be able to shoot ki blasts, but she sticks to firearms instead, because they’re more precise and ki senses can’t pick them up.  She likes being underestimated, to the point where her ideal battle is one where the enemy doesn’t even know she’s on the field.  

I dunno, I’ve always wondered if I was getting her “right” all this time, but now that I summarize it all in one place, it doesn’t seem as disjointed as I feared.   I had all these different things I needed her to be and do, and most of them involved finding ways to justify her continued presence in the story, but maybe it’s all worked out after all.   Sometimes I feel like Zatte is the Yoko Ono of this fic, but the Beatles suck, so I shouldn’t indulge in their crude analogies.    I Zatted my way into this mess, and I’m happy to Zatte my way out.    

[welcometothepenumbra]

JUNO STEEL AND THE DRAGON’S DEN (PART ONE)

SOUND: RAIN. TRAIN ARRIVES, CREAKS TO A STOP. DOOR CLANKS OPEN.

CONDUCTOR: Ah, good evening, Traveler. And welcome… to The Penumbra. Take your seat, please, take your seat.

MUSIC: STARTS.

SOUND: DOOR CLANKS SHUT.

The junction lies just ahead, Traveler. If you'll allow me just a moment.

SOUND: TRAIN WHISTLE.

(CHUCKLES) Well, next stop? Hyperion City.

SOUND: TRAIN MOVING.

The Proctor’s final words have haunted Detective Steel ever since she died on her devious riddle. “A place of heroes, as far as the stars but as close as the heart of every child.” And apparently, the home of Ramses O’Flaherty, in some way. But where is that home, you ask? Well, Detective Steel is just about to find out. It’s unfortunate that he didn’t do earlier – if he had, perhaps nobody would have had to die.

SOUND: TRAIN BRAKES. DOOR CLANKS OPEN, RAIN.

Our next stop: Juno Steel and the Dragon’s Den.

ALL SOUNDS: FADE OUT.

***

MUSIC: STARTS.

JUNO (NARRATOR): An election makes a lot of noise – and, after months of the rallies and speeches and the fights in the street, it’s nice to escape to the quiet of the Martian desert for a while. Because the history of politics in Hyperion City is loud: a bunch of corporations in a bidding war over the Mayor’s office, with enough money changing hands that it’s not a question of whether your candidate’s in some big corporation’s pocket, just �� whether this pocket is cozier than the last one.

My name’s Juno Steel. I’m a private eye, and I never thought I’d be helping one of those corporations’ candidates win, but… Ramses O’Flaherty seems like the first politician in a century who might care about people more than profit margins.

And even if he is funded by Northstar Entertainment, a company that mostly sells kids’ movies and cheap T-shirts? Compared to his competition, Ramses sounds like a saint.

VOICE (FROM RADIO): In a move that analysts have been calling “inevitable,” Nadia Bellevue announced this morning that she will be dropping out of the Hyperion City mayoral race, citing poor polls and a drop in Armada Firearms and Fine Liquors’ stock price over the last fiscal quarter. That leaves only Ramses O’Flaherty and current mayor Pilot Pereyra on the ballot when the citizens of Hyperion vote just five weeks from today. Mayor Pereyra had this to say about their opponent:

PILOT PEREYRA (FROM RADIO): Ramses who? (LAUGHS) Yeah, yeah, I’ve heard of Ramses. And I mean, he seems like a good guy. You don’t get as far as he has, doing all that philanthropy, and kids’ movies, and whatever without having some good rub off on you. And I respect that, to a point.

RITA: Ooooooh, Mista Steel, are we there yet? I can’t wait another second!

JUNO: Shh! I’m tryin’ to listen!

MUSIC: ENDS.

PEREYRA: But the fact is that Hyperion’s a tough town, and it needs a firm hand. And all this junk I keep hearing about police reform, criminal rehabilitation? We don’t have time for that. In a city this covered in crime, we need the HCPD more than ever, and we need someone who knows what they’re doing more than ever. So, leave it to the Pilot, eh? I’ve gotten us this far, haven’t I?

RITA: Mista Steeeeel? Are we there yet? Are we there yet, are we there yet, are we there yet, are we there yet, are we there yet, are we there yet—

PEREYRA (IN BACKGROUND): And let me tell you, guys like Ramses… they think they know everything.

JUNO: How the hell am I supposed to answer that? I don’t even know where we’re going!

PEREYRA (IN BACKGROUND): But as soon as it gets time to actually do something?

RITA: Oh come on, that riddle was so easy, boss! You gotta know!

PEREYRA (IN BACKGROUND): All that talk shows exactly what it was: just talk.

JUNO: Hey, driver? Just turn the damn radio off. My secretary’s decided she’s all the audio entertainment I need.

SOUND: RADIO CLICKS OFF.

Why did you come along, again? You have the day off, Rita.

RITA: And that’s why I came! You’d understand if you’d solved the riddle, boss. It’s so easy: “A place in the heart of every child”? You don’t have to be a detective to solve that.

JUNO: Brain’s full of about six hundred other mysteries, Rita. Who’s tryin’ to kill off Ramses O’Flaherty, for example. So just knock it off, and tell me where—

RITA: Nuh-uh-uh, no way, boss. I ain’t tellin’ you until you figure it out yourself– WHOAMYGOD WE’RE ALMOST THERE!

JUNO: Just tell me where we’re going!

RITA: I can’t take another second boss I feel like I’m gonna burst! Just figure it out already!

JUNO: Is that a gate?

RITA: C’mon, I’m gonna EXPLODE! Pleaeaeaeaease?

JUNO: “Northstar presents”– what the hell?

RITA: It’s Polaris Park boss! Oh gosh oh gosh I can’t wait! I’m so excited!!!

JUNO: Polaris… that Northstar amusement park?

RITA: Mista Steel, you gotta be kiddin’ me! Did someone kill all’a the magic inside’a you or somethin’?

JUNO: Yes.

RITA: Polaris Park! The Place That Fun Calls Home, TM! You gotta know about Polaris Park!

JUNO: I try not to pay too much attention to Northstar movies, Rita.

RITA: Act tough all you want, boss; they might be kids’ stories, but they got all kinds’a things for adults, like jokes, and deep themes, and sometimes advice, like how to kill an evil goat-wizard if you meet one and—

JUNO: Not kids’ stories. Just Northstar. (SIGHS) Let’s get this over with.

RITA: Boss? Is everything—

SOUND: CAR DOOR OPENS. CARNIVAL NOISES IN BACKGROUND.

(GASPS) We’re here we’re here we’re here we’re here!!

JUNO (NARRATOR): Polaris Park was, I’ll admit, a masterpiece. The greatest minds in the solar system had come together to build ‘The Place That Fun Calls Home, TM,’ and the faces of the people we passed said they’d succeeded. They were smiling, every one of them, kids clambering all over their parents with sticky fingers and… stickier voices.

It made my stomach turn. Places like this have always given me the creeps. What people forget is that manipulation is always manipulation, whether you’re being duped into a big debt or a big smile.

RITA: Oh, oh! There’s Orion’s Tower, they sell all kinds’a belts, Mista Steel – also insurance for some reason – and that ride is the Frozen Spinner, they make you put on real mittens before you get on and everything, and that’s—

JUNO (NARRATOR): We walked down the park’s main drag, surrounded on all sides by bright buildings and cartoon robots and foot-long ice cream bars. I was ready to go home by the fourth step in.

That wasn’t on the menu, though. Before we left the parking lot, our driver gave me an entry pass and a letter which said, in Ramses’ rushed handwriting: “Keep an eye out for Lorenzo Vega.”

Whoever the hell that was. Thanks a lot, O’Flaherty. Just tryin’ to save your life over here, no big deal, really.

RITA: I wanna go on a ride! No! I wanna have a hot dog! No! I wanna go on two rides, and have two hot dogs, just for me!

JUNO: Rita, we’re here to work.

RITA: Come ooooooooon, boss! What job could you possibly have to do here?

JUNO: That’s what I’m trying to figure out. Ramses gets a lot of his campaign funds from Northstar. If someone wanted to really hit him where it hurts, they could try to strike here… or dig up some dirt here, at least. Security Office might not be a bad place to start.

RITA: Well… if Ramses sent you here, that must mean security ain’t caught ‘em yet, whoever they are. We probably won’t find anything there.

JUNO: Not a bad point. Might be worth snooping around a little on our own first.

RITA: And while we’re at it, I was just thinkin’… a good place to snoop… might be… on… a ride?

JUNO: You’re really not gonna drop this, are you?

RITA: Never.

JUNO: Alright, alright. One ride. Then we get to work—

RITA: Got it Mista Steel okay thanks byeeeeeee!

SOUND: RUNNING FOOTSTEPS DEPARTING.

JUNO: Rita! …Lousy theme park. Lousy rides…

JUNO (NARRATOR): At the end of the street stood a mountain. A big, red, craggy thing with molten lava holograms flowing down its sides. It was the centerpiece of Polaris Park, and everyone on Mars knew what it was called.

RITA: Andromeda and the Dragon’s Peak.

Mista Steel, I’m gonna ride that ride six hundred times today.

JUNO: Good luck with that. Sign over here says it’s closed for repairs.

RITA: What over what says it’s WHAT?!

SOUND: FOOTSTEPS.

Oh, you gotta be kiddin’ me, it can’t be closed! Andromeda and the Dragon’s Peak is the whole reason to go to Polaris Park! It’s got everything, Mista Steel, music and big drops and real fast and everyone’s favorite chainmail warrior Andromeda and—

SOUND: CROWD SCREAMS.

JUNO: That’s coming from the Dragon’s Peak, isn’t it?

RITA: Y– yeah. But maybe, it– maybe it’s just some people havin’ fun, y’know? Screamin’ on the rollercoaster and—

SOUND: SEVERAL SETS OF RUNNING FOOTSTEPS.

VOICE 1: Oh God, it’s horrible, it’s horrible! They’re all dead!

JUNO: Sounds real fun. Rita?

RITA: I’m comin’, boss!

JUNO (NARRATOR): I shoved us through the crowd, up the long line to the Dragon’s Peak, until it all stopped at a wall of security two guards thick. The park cops had big grins across their faces, but the smiles were all a little too uniform and a little too green to be real. Whatever they were keeping us from wasn’t gonna be pretty.

VOICE 2: I’m so sorry, sir, but you can’t come through here.

JUNO: Pretty sure I could if you’d get that club out of my gut.

RITA: Mista Steel…

VOICE 2: No, I mean, um… visitors do not have access—

JUNO: I work for your boss. Let me through.

VOICE 2: I’m… fairly certain that I work for my boss?

SOUND: FOOTSTEPS.

VOICE 3: Is there a problem over here?

VOICE 2: Uhhh… I… uhhhhh…

JUNO: No problem, I was just giving Officer Dental-Plan over here some orders from the top. Who are you?

VOICE 3: The top.

JUNO (NARRATOR): The woman in front of me was equal parts strong jaw, sharp eyes, and grit. Her badge said ‘Chief of Security,’ her eyes said that she didn’t have time for this, and her smile said that Northstar customer service training really was the best on Mars. The only times people smile that genuinely at me are right before they hit me.

But she didn’t. Instead she turned to her toadie and asked:

VOICE 3: Who is this guy and why isn’t he out of my park yet?

JUNO: Ramses O’Flaherty sent me. I have a hall pass, I promise.

SOUND: PAPER RUSTLING.

VOICE 3: Ramses?

(SIGHS) Of course he did. Let him through, Rick.

VOICE 2 (RICK): But—

VOICE 3: Did I ask?

RICK: Of… course not.

Have a fun-filled day.

JUNO: You don’t sound so happy to see us, Chief.

VOICE 3: Simple reason for that. I’m not.

My name’s Yasmin Swift. I’m chief of security here at Polaris Park.

JUNO: Juno Steel. And this is my secretary, Rita—

RITA: (HIGH-PITCHED GASPING)

JUNO: Who’s… maybe… deflating?

RITA: Why, hello there, Ms. Swift. I like coffee, and squid cream.

JUNO: Rita, what the hell—?

VOICE 3 (YASMIN SWIFT): Breakfast, huh? I’m more of a dinner gal myself.

RITA: (GIGGLING) Oh, Yasmin!

SWIFT: I’m sorry to rain on your day at the park, but, Ramses had pretty bad timing, sending you here this morning. We’ve had a little bit of an… accident. Come on, I’ll show you.

SOUND: DOOR OPENS.

RITA: (GIGGLING)

SOUND: FOOTSTEPS.

JUNO: …Rita? …What was that?

RITA: She’s preeeeeetty.

JUNO: (SIGHS) I don’t have time for this. I do not have time for this. Come on.

RITA: (GIGGLING)

SOUND: DOOR CLOSES. CARNIVAL NOISES FADE.

JUNO: (SNIFFS) The hell is that smell? I thought all the food carts were back on the main path, but… it smells like jerky or something in here.

SWIFT: Yeah, about that. If you’re at all squeamish, I’m gonna recommend you close your eyes now.

JUNO: Oh, no.

SOUND: DOOR OPENS.

RITA: OH MY GOSH, THOSE POOR PEOPLE GOT COOKED!

JUNO (NARRATOR): We found them in the loading area for the ride, sitting in a cart on a track facing a dark tunnel. The cart was looking nice and toasted around the edges, and inside it sat three charbroiled shapes that probably used to be people.

SWIFT: I’m guessing this isn’t how you expected to spend your day.

JUNO: I generally try to assume the worst, but somehow the galaxy keeps finding ways to surprise me.

RITA: Who are those people? We gotta help ‘em, don’t we?

SWIFT: That’s sweet, doll, but I think they’re a little past help. This was bound to happen one day. I’ve been saying that to Vega for years.

RITA: Oh, it’s just too horrible! Somebody hold me!

JUNO: Oof!

RITA: (MUTTERING) Not you, boss!

JUNO: Bound to happen, you said?

SWIFT: You know anything about this ride, Juno?

RITA: No, he doesn’t. Mista Steel said all the magic’s dead inside of him.

JUNO: Andromeda and the Dragon’s Peak is a roller coaster that tells a story about Chainmail Warrior Andromeda trying to find her way home through Lion Village, has to go through Draco’s mountain for some reason, almost gets roasted, doesn’t end up going home. Just like all her other stories.

RITA: Wha—? But you said– you didn’t know anything about it—

JUNO: I said I didn’t want to know anything about Northstar’s junk. But sometimes not wanting to listen to stuff just makes you listen harder. No offense, Swift.

SWIFT: Hey, to each their own. We don’t all have to enjoy the story, even if it is a modern classic and you’re a moron for not liking it. Want to take a guess where the barbecue went down? Because I have a theory or two.

JUNO: I’m guessing the part where Andromeda gets almost-roasted dropped a word.

SWIFT: The ride’s needed repairs for years, if you ask me. The carts on this thing barely outpace the fire by half a second. All it’d take is for one of the brakes to flip early and, boom. Instant fricassee.

JUNO: Why was anyone on it if the ride was closed, though?

SWIFT: One of the carts started acting up yesterday, so I shut the whole thing down this morning, sent the engineers in, and then… this happened. On their test ride, I’d guess. With a bunch of guests watching from the line, too.

RITA: There are people who get to test roller coasters for their jobs?! Lucky!

JUNO: Rita, are we even looking at the same crime scene right now?

SWIFT: Crime scene? Honestly, Juno, negligence is the only crime I’m seeing here. (SIGHS) Why don’t you take in the park for a little while and I’ll find you later? HQ’s gonna have me behind red tape for a long time. They didn’t like me shutting down the ride for a few hours this morning, and I doubt they’ll like closing it for good.

RITA: You’re closing the Dragon’s Peak?! You can’t do that! That’s the reason everyone comes to Polaris Park! And also I never got to ride it!

SWIFT: Security’s got to be my number one concern, doll. Should’ve shut this ride down years ago.

SOUND: MECHANICAL, RHYTHMIC NOISES.

VOICE 4: Over my soggy corpse, Yasmin.

JUNO (NARRATOR): There was a man walking toward us on two metal legs ending in rusty boots, and his nametag said “Doctor Lorenzo Vega, Head of Resmirks and Developgrins.” Despite the title, he looked like he hadn’t smiled in about a century: age and anger had carved deep enough wrinkles into his face that I could barely make out his eyes, but from what I could see they looked about as greasy and mean as the rest of him.

VOICE 4 (LORENZO VEGA): Yasmin. I see your attempted murder continues apace.

RITA: Murder?! Not my Yasmin!

SWIFT: He doesn’t mean the engineers, doll.

VEGA: I don’t. If anyone mourns my staff it will be their own fault for leaving someone behind to mourn them. Marriage, children, friends… the Northstar work ethic has rotted off the bone. No, it’s not my staff I’m concerned about. Sir, I’d like you to arrest this woman, for the attempted murder of Andromeda and the Dragon’s Peak.

JUNO: That’s, uh… He knows you can’t murder something that’s not alive, right?

VEGA: For all of Polaris Park, then.

JUNO: Yeah, also, not alive. You… a little confused, doctor?

VEGA: Perhaps not murder, in that case. But much is on the line here, detective. My life’s work, and probably someone else’s, somewhere, if you care about that kind of thing. This park won’t last a month without that ride.

SWIFT: Maybe so, doctor, but the park doesn’t stand much of a chance if its star attraction’s deep-frying guests, either.

VEGA: You’d best zip up your ego, Yasmin. Your ignorance is showing.

JUNO & RITA: (IN UNISON) Eww.

VEGA: The Dragon’s Peak could not have burned my engineers for one very simple reason: there is no fire on this ride.

SWIFT: I hope you’ll give Dr. Vega the benefit of the doubt here, Juno. This might not be very Northstar behavior he’s demonstrating, but he’s a good guy at heart. Probably. If you’re willing to dig down a few hundred meters.

VEGA: Attempting to turn them against me. It won’t work for two reasons, Yasmin. First: I am naturally charismatic, and second: Ramses sent these two for me.

JUNO: Ramse– what?

VEGA: I received the message earlier – direct orders that I’d receive a private investigator to do whatever I say for one full day. Ramses spoils me so. Now tell me: what is your name?

JUNO: You expect me to buy that Ramses gave me to you without even telling you my name?

VEGA: I don’t need you to buy it, detective. Only lease it. (CHUCKLES)

JUNO: What the hell are you even saying?

SWIFT: Look, do you have those orders on you, Vega?

VEGA: Of course not. Do you carry all of your mail everywhere you go?

RITA: I mean, it should all fit on your comms pretty easily—

JUNO: —yeah, Swift, he actually has a pretty good point.

RITA: Oh. Nevermind. Forgot who he was talkin’ to.

VEGA: These deaths cannot have been caused by a malfunction, because the Dragon’s Peak couldn’t burn a fly, and I should know: I built it. Sabotage, detective. This must be sabotage. And you are going to prove it.

JUNO: Sabotage… that’s a pretty serious claim. Should be worth looking into, Swift.

RITA: Really, boss?

SWIFT: Worth looking into? We’ll see about that. Hey, doctor? Can you prove the ride doesn’t generate real fire? Do you have the plans anywhere?

VEGA: Of course I do. And it’s written into the most reliable storage available to humankind.

RITA: Oh, I always wanted to see the plans to the ride! Might be some nice readin’ for bedtime or snacktime or—

VEGA: My cranial fluid.

RITA: Actually nevermind, not gonna take that anywhere near my bed or snacks.

VEGA: I have the plans memorized. In here, no prying eyes can see them.

SWIFT: Welcome to our argument for the past two years, Juno. I say this is a deathtrap; Vega says it isn’t. I try to close it down; Vega tattles to the managers of Polaris Park, they have a tantrum about ticket sales, and then the thing’s back on its rails again. This could’ve been avoided. It could’ve been avoided twenty times over.

JUNO: But, I mean… come on, doc. You can’t really expect us to just take your word for it, right?

VEGA: I can expect that, actually… but I’m beginning to suspect I’ll be disappointed if I do.

(GRUNTS) There’s one other place I stored the plans for the ride: in its brain. Follow me.

SOUND: MECHANICAL STEPS.

JUNO (NARRATOR): Vega led us over to a monitor on a stand overlooking the ride’s track. He flicked the monitor awake, tapped out a hundred-digit password in a second and a half, and we were in.

SOUND: ELECTRONIC BEEPS.

VEGA: The full ride is too complicated for any human mind other than my own to control it, so I designed it to handle all its own functions. Completely automated. The computer has uplinks throughout the track that my engineers can use to access and interact with all data gathered while the ride runs: power levels, terminal activation logs, security feeds of every room, roaming snack bar—

JUNO: Wait, wait, hang on. What? You have security footage for every room in this ride?

SWIFT: Yeah, doctor. This is the first I’m hearing of it, too.

VEGA: The security footage wouldn’t be very secure if I gave it out to every Tom, Dick, and Yasmin who asked for it.

SWIFT: I’m your Chief of Security!

VEGA: Then I’m sure I told you at some point. I don’t bother remembering details like that.

SWIFT: If I knew that, do you really think I’d have waited this long to shut down your stupid ride?

JUNO: Just bring up the footage already, doc. If you’re so sure the ride’s innocent, your video should prove it.

VEGA: (SIGHS)

SOUND: KEYBOARD CLICKING.

I’ll have you know that the last time someone ordered me around like that, they died.

RITA: You– killed someone?!

VEGA: Of course not. The two events were unrelated. It just means I have terrible associations with being told what to do that you should be sensitive to.

SOUND: ELECTRONIC BEEP.

What? The footage!

SWIFT: What is it now?

SOUND: ELECTRONIC BEEPS.

VEGA: The data! It’s– it’s disappearing!

JUNO: Disappearing?

SOUND: MORE BEEPS.

VEGA: Self-deleting! This is impossible! My baby! My giant, metal, highly-intelligent baby!

JUNO: How long has this been going on?

SOUND: KEYBOARD CLICKING.

VEGA: How should I know? I don’t check! If it’s flawless, there’s no point in checking, because there are no flaws to check for!

SWIFT: Well, what do you call this, then?

SOUND: BEEP.

RITA: It looks like it just ate another video.

SOUND: BEEP.

And that musta been dessert.

VEGA: It’s gone. The schematics, all the footage from the past ride, and assorted footage from the past week. Gone.

SWIFT: Deleted? And you didn’t even do anything?

VEGA: What do you think I was doing?

SWIFT: Deleting it, maybe. Covering your precious baby’s tracks.

VEGA: You—!

SOUND: KEYBOARD CLICKING. MACHINE POWERING DOWN.

JUNO: What are you doing now?

VEGA: Shutting down the ride.

There. Everything but the audio cues and lighting, off. And now, Detective Whoever-you-are, you’re going to go in there and figure out who’s harmed my creation. Who has attempted to murder Andromeda and the Dragon’s Peak!

RITA: He… is?

VEGA: Ramses gave orders that you are do to whatever I say, didn’t he?

JUNO: I don’t know. Did he?

SWIFT: Hang on, doctor. If you think I’m going to let anyone run an investigation in my park without my say-so—

VEGA: Then you go with him. Someone has to take care of my ride. I don’t care who.

JUNO (NARRATOR): I remembered that letter that Ramses’s driver had given me: “Keep an eye out for Lorenzo Vega.”

If Ramses was suspicious of Vega, this might be the only chance I had to figure out why. Especially if he was trying to push the blame onto someone else.

SWIFT: I’m sure Detective Steel has better things to do than—

JUNO: I’ll go along. Rita, you stay out here and enjoy the park.

RITA: Nuh-uh, boss! If you think I’m lettin’ you take a behind-the-scenes tour without me, you’ve got another thing comin’!

JUNO: Rita—

RITA: No buts!

Now come on, Yaaaaasmiiiiin. Do you wanna show me all the spookiest parts of the ride?

SWIFT: If… that’s what we’re doing, I guess I don’t mind doing it with you.

SOUND: FOOTSTEPS DEPARTING.

Y’know, you don’t have to hold my hand so tight, doll…

RITA: (GIGGLES) Yeah, I do.

SOUND: METAL STEPS.

VEGA: Just a minute before you go, detective.

JUNO: Yeah, yeah, you want me to keep an eye on her. I heard you the first time.

VEGA: It’s not that. What did she just call you? Detective Steel, was it?

JUNO: Juno Steel, private eye. Finding it kinda hard to believe Ramses didn’t tell you that.

VEGA: He did… it just didn’t sound familiar until I’d heard it.

JUNO: Y’don’t say.

VEGA: Steel… why does that sound familiar…?

JUNO: Uh… probably because you build your rides with it?

VEGA: No, no, that isn’t it. I was thinking about that name just this morning… but why?

JUNO: Okay, well, have fun figuring that out, doc. I’m gonna go get murdered by your ride now. Bye.

SOUND: FOOTSTEPS.

VEGA: (DISTANT) Steel… hmmm… Juno Steel…

JUNO (NARRATOR): We walked along the tracks for a while because riding the cart seemed dangerous. After all, the last couple of people to do that were currently being scraped out of their seats with a spatula. After walking through the first tunnel, we found ourselves, weirdly, outside – in a big green plain, surrounded by stone huts and yawning lions lounging in the grass.

SOUND: DISTANT ROARS.

RITA: Oh my gosh, look at all this stuff! It’s gonna take forever to explore all this! Hold my hand, Yasmin, I’m worried I’m gonna get lost!

SWIFT: I’m already holding your hand.

SOUND: TRUMPET BLARING FROM SPEAKERS.

RITA: (GASPS) What was that?!

SWIFT: Just the ride going through its cycles. Vega said he left the audio on – he’ll take any chance to show off.

NARRATOR VOICE (OVER SPEAKERS): And so, after years of searching for a way back home to Polaris, Andromeda the Chainmail Warrior found herself in the Lion Village, where it was said a portal to her home opened once every thousand years.

SWIFT: If we want to get onto the main track without a cart, you’re going to need a retinal scan from a high-ranking employee. Just give me a second.

JUNO: Rita, what’s your read on Vega?

RITA: Huh? Oh, I ain’t barely read any of him, boss. I been a little distracted today. (GIGGLES)

SOUND: ELECTRONIC BEEPS.

JUNO: Yeah, I can tell. Come on, doesn’t it seem a little convenient to you?

RITA: Hmmm?

JUNO: Vega gets warned for years that someone’s gonna die on this ride; then, someone dies on this ride, and who does he send into the deathtrap but the people sent to watch him, and, the woman that’s been trying to shut him down for years? This is gonna be dangerous… whatever roasted those engineers could get us too, and with him at the controls, this one might not be an accident.

Rita, are you even listening?

RITA: I mean, yeah, it seems convenient, boss. But you’re the detective and this is my day off, so you figure it out, alright?

JUNO: (GROWLS)

SOUND: BEEP.

SWIFT: Alright, we’re in. Should be the last lock.

SOUND: MECHANICAL DOOR CREAKS OPEN.

NARRATOR: And so, after years of searching for a way back home to Polaris, Andromeda the Chainmail Warrior—

JUNO (NARRATOR): The door led us into one of the lion’s huts. The lion it belonged to was musclebound and gray-maned and sitting on his haunches next to everyone’s favorite chainmail warrior, Andromeda.

NARRATOR (IN BACKGROUND): —found herself in the Lion Village, where it was said a portal to her home opened once every thousand years.

RITA: (GASPS) Andromeda!

NARRATOR: “Andromeda!” said Leo, the lion-chief. “Our portal opens in one short hour, and then only for a few minutes. But if you want to use it, you will have to pay. On that peak lives the dragon, Draco, with all of his treasure. Bring me a treasure from Draco’s hoard, and you will have your way home!”

RITA: She’s real! I always knew she was real! Mom said, and Mista Steel said, and even I said sometimes – but I always knew, Andromeda was real, even when I knew that was impossible, and, and, and, and—

JUNO: Real, huh?

SOUND: ELECTRONIC BUZZING.

RITA: Oh. It’s a hologram. I knew that. Mostly.

SWIFT: Everything here’s a combination of robotics, practical effects, and holograms, doll. Here, touch Chief Leo if you want. A mechanical skeleton covered in real lion fur, grown in a real lab.

RITA: Wow, he’s so soft. Can we see him roar? And maybe pounce on Mista Steel?

SWIFT: You can’t turn on the robotics without turning on the carts, too: they run on the same power source.

JUNO: Sounds and lights on the same breaker? Robots and carts– this doesn’t exactly sound up to code.

RITA: I don’t know what you’re talkin’ about, boss, that’s basically how I got the office hooked up.

SWIFT: I think being unsafe is part of the thrill for Vega. He’s good with holograms, but he doesn’t like them. He says they’re cheating. Anything safe is cheating with that guy.

Hope you’ve got hiking shoes on: this next part’s supposed to be the mountain, and the doctor went for authenticity.

SOUND: GATE CREAKS OPEN.

RITA: Ohh, it’s so dark and spooky in here – how do we know where to go?

SWIFT: I haven’t been on these tracks since my first trainings, but I’ve ridden it enough times to know the way. Just stick close to me, sweetheart, and you’ll be fine.

RITA: Hmmmmmmm.

NARRATOR: Andromeda said:

ANDROMEDA: You’re making a terrible mistake, Leo. Anger Draco, and all the lions will pay for it.

NARRATOR: But Chief Leo only laughed, and called her a fool. And so Andromeda climbed the mountain with a heavy heart.

JUNO: So what’s up with you and Vega, anyway? Hell of a feud the two of you got going on.

SWIFT: How do you mean?

JUNO: I know you’ve got safety reasons for wanting this tilt-a-whirl closed, but he seems to think it’s personal. Granted, he seems to think most things are personal, but still…

SWIFT: Just… different eras of Northstar butting heads. Call it a family squabble.

Vega’s old school – from back in the days when Northstar was just a little movie studio over in Hyperion City. Used to work on building fancy new cameras, now he works on ways to shoot people through a block of ice without hurting the ice. Back then, Northstar was cutthroat: scrappy little movie studio with scrappy little ideas. Great tech, great talent, but no investors. It meant everyone who worked there was… out for blood.

JUNO: And they had plenty of ways to get it, I hear.

SWIFT: Yeah, actually. How did you—

JUNO: —doesn’t matter. You said you’re different. What’s the new era of Northstar like?

RITA: Yeah, Yasmin! Tell us aaaaaall about you. Every teensy weensy little thing.

SWIFT: Either of you have any kids?

JUNO: Eugh.

RITA: No, but I’m… very suggestible.

SWIFT: Well, I do. A little lady, only five years old. Too young to remember the war. Too young to remember all the stuff humanity showed it could do to itself. And when I think about her growing up in a galaxy capable of all that… (SIGHS) Let me just put it this way: the old Northstar was all about making something great. But now? Most of us now… we just want to make something good. Something that the kids can look up to. Heroes that’ll risk it all for what actually matters… not some dumb new camera.

JUNO: You sound like Ramses now.

SWIFT: O’Flaherty might be an old-timer, but I always felt like he was one of us. (CHUCKLES) Call me a sap if you want, but… I think my Esta’s better off with Andromeda around. And I’d do anything for her.

RITA: That’s so beautiful and perfect.

SWIFT: Definitely makes getting up for work a little easier. It’s leaving her in the morning that’s the hard part.

(CLEARS THROAT) Uh, just be ready. Next part gets a little loud.

SOUND: DOOR SLIDES OPEN.

NARRATOR: Then, at long last, Andromeda arrived at the Dragon’s Peak!

SOUND: THUNDERCLAP, RAIN.

RITA: Ahh!! What was that?!

JUNO: It’s just the stupid ride.

SWIFT: The noise was, but… did either of you see that?

JUNO: See what?

SWIFT: In the lightning, that—

SOUND: THUNDER.

NARRATOR: Then, at long last—

SWIFT: There’s someone up by Draco’s lair!

NARRATOR (IN BACKGROUND): —Andromeda arrived—

JUNO: What? I don’t see anything—

RITA: Yasmin, save me!

NARRATOR (IN BACKGROUND): —at the Dragon’s Peak!

SWIFT: You two, keep up with me! If someone really is sabotaging my park, I’m not gonna let them get away with it!

SOUND: RUNNING FOOTSTEPS.

JUNO: Swift! Swift!!

NARRATOR (IN BACKGROUND): Then, at long last—

SOUND: THUNDER.

NARRATOR (IN BACKGROUND): —Andromeda arrived at the Dragon’s Peak!

JUNO: Yeah, yeah, we get it! Come on, Rita, let’s go!

RITA: Okay, boss!

JUNO (NARRATOR): While we ran, I held onto Rita as best I could, but I couldn’t save her from her own clumsy feet…

RITA: Oh!

JUNO (NARRATOR): …or, uh, mine.

JUNO: Oof!

RITA: Get offa me, Mista Steel, get offa me! I wanted this day to go like this with someone but it sure ain’t you!

JUNO: Damn it, where did Swift go?

RITA: That’s what I said! She was followin’ the tracks, so hurry, boss, hurry!

JUNO & RITA: (PANTING)

JUNO (NARRATOR): So we ran up the rest of the way into the Dragon’s Peak. A set of big stone doors parted, and a set of big glowing eyes stared down at us.

SOUND: HEAVY SCRAPING.

NARRATOR: And there, in all his rage and glory, stood Draco, the mighty dragon!

RITA: OH NO OH NO! PLEASE DON’T KILL ME MISTA DRAGON DON’T KILL ME– oh hey would you look at that he listened.

JUNO: Huh. …He did.

SOUND: SLOW FOOTSTEPS.

RITA: Careful there, boss! You don’t know what that dragon might do! They’re tricky! Probably.

JUNO: They’re not real, Rita.

SOUND: ECHOEY CLANKS.

This is just another robot puppet, like the lion at the bottom of the hill. Deactivated like everything else. …It looks like the track hugs the wall for a while – come on. Swift can’t have gotten that far ahead yet.

SOUND: DEEP WHIRRING, MACHINE POWERING UP.

What the hell?

SOUND: METAL SQUEAKING.

MUSIC: STARTS.

RITA: M-m-mista Steel! The– the dragon, i-it’s—

JUNO: —moving, I can see that!

NARRATOR: Andromeda grabbed a sparkling crown as Draco unleashed its fiery breath!

SOUND: ROAR, FLAME CRACKLING.

RITA: Boss!! That’s SO much fire! And boy, is it hot!

JUNO: Step back! Hopefully that’ll be the last of—

JUNO & RITA: (YELP)

SOUND: ROAR.

RITA: Mista Steel! It’s coming closer!

JUNO: And faster than I’d like, too. Rita, there’s a control panel on the wall by the tracks. Do you think you could hack into it?

RITA: Okay, boss!

SOUND: ELECTRONIC BEEPS.

The password– I was watchin’ Dr. Vega’s hands when he was puttin’ the password in—

SOUND: ERROR BEEP.

Oh no, oh no!

JUNO: Rita, we’re running out of time, here!

RITA: It’s like a billion-digit password, boss, you’re gonna have to buy me some time!

JUNO (NARRATOR): So I did what I do best: I bought time.

SOUND: BLASTER SHOTS. METAL CREAKING.

RITA: Did it work?

JUNO: Made its head snap back a little, but it’s coming back. It’s getting kinda warm in here, Rita!

RITA: You think I can’t feel that?!

SOUND: BEEPING. ERROR BEEP.

Arrrggghhh!

JUNO (NARRATOR): The fire was close. We were backed up onto the tracks, now, and I swore I could feel the huge workings of the mechanical dragon rumbling in the walls and the floor.

Or… was that the dragon?

SOUND: SUCCESS BEEP.

RITA: There! I got us into the terminal, boss.

JUNO (NARRATOR): And suddenly it hit me. I put my hand into the fire…

SOUND: ROAR, FLAMES CRACKLING.

RITA: Now I just gotta– Mista Steel, what are you doin’?! It’s gonna roast you alive!

JUNO (NARRATOR): But it didn’t. I was fine – the fire was just hot air and holograms. The rumbling, though… that got bigger. And then, I remembered what was on the same circuit as the robots.

SOUND: WHEELS CLACKING ON TRACKS.

JUNO: The cart.

RITA: The what?

Hey, let go’a me, you– oooooaaahh!

SOUND: THUD.

JUNO: Oof!

RITA: Ah!

SOUND: CLACKING GROWS LOUDER. DULL CRASH, CLACKING STOPS.

MUSIC: ENDS.

NARRATOR: And there, in all his rage and glory, stood Draco, the mighty dragon!

SOUND: RAIN.

RITA: That rollercoaster cart… almost splattered us, boss!

JUNO: Yeah. It got real close, didn’t it.

SOUND: ROAR.

NARRATOR: Andromeda grabbed a sparkling crown as Draco unleashed its fiery breath!

SOUND: CLACKING STARTS AGAIN, FADES OUT.

RITA: And now– it’s… gone.

JUNO: Sticks around just long enough for you to think you’ll get roasted, but there’s never any real danger.

It’s not fire. Just like Vega said.

RITA: But… then how did those engineers get all burnt up?

JUNO: I don’t know.

Rita, didn’t Vega say the computer kept a log of whoever accessed it last?

RITA: I think so.

JUNO: Check the log, then. Hurry!

RITA: Okay, okay, I don’t see what the rush is. First, I just gotta deactivate the carts…

SOUND: ELECTRONIC BEEPS. POWERING DOWN NOISE.

There. Now I’ll check the logs…

SOUND: KEYBOARD CLICKING.

It… doesn’t say who used it, but… it says it was in the next room. D’you think it’s whoever Yasmin saw?!

JUNO (NARRATOR): Aaaaaaand that’s when I figured it out.

JUNO: Turn on the security footage for that room.

RITA: Mista Steel—

JUNO: Now, Rita!

RITA: Oh, alright, alright…

(GASPS) N– no… The one who activated the carts– was– Yasmin?!

JUNO (NARRATOR): Yasmin Swift. Security Chief of Polaris Park. The camera feed showed her inspecting the cart that failed to crush us, and I saw Draco’s controls up on the terminal in front of her. Vega was right. Swift had been briefed on the security footage before, and in fact, she knew how to use it better than he did. She proved that about two seconds later when she deactivated the camera we were watching her through.

SOUND: BEEP.

JUNO: What the…? Rita, bring it back!

SOUND: KEYBOARD CLICKING.

RITA: I’m tryin’, boss!

SOUND: BEEPS.

But… it’s just… deleted! Everything that camera’s recorded in the past twenty-four hours is gone!

JUNO: So we have no proof. Great.

SOUND: DOOR OPENS.

SWIFT: Oh…! You’re alright!

JUNO: You sound surprised.

SWIFT: Relieved is more like it. I’m glad you two are so hardy. Surviving what even our engineers couldn’t… I could’ve sworn you’d be charcoal briquettes by now.

RITA: Y-y-y– Yasmin…

MUSIC: STARTS.

SWIFT: What’s the matter, sweetheart? Aren’t you happy to see me?

JUNO (NARRATOR): If she knew we knew, she wasn’t saying a thing; and unfortunately, it was going to have to stay that way.

She knew this ride better than we did. If we let her run wild in here, I’m sure she’d know a hundred ways to roast us, crush us, and fun us straight into our graves. But we couldn’t take her into custody yet, either, because we didn’t have any evidence, and unless she slipped up right in front of us, we’d never get it.

So for now, the safest place was just where I didn’t want to be.

SWIFT: Did you see anyone come through here? I was chasing after someone, but they slipped away…

You two alright? You look a little pale.

JUNO: I’m ready to keep goin’ if you are.

RITA: What?!

JUNO: If you want to go back, Rita, I’ll bring you back first. But we still have a saboteur to catch. And I’m staying in here until I catch ‘em.

SWIFT: Like a dog with a bone, Juno. I like it. What do you say, doll? Coming with?

RITA: I– I…

Yeah. I’m n-not gonna leave you alone, Mista Steel. Not again.

SWIFT: Alright then. Let’s go, ladies.

JUNO (NARRATOR): Yasmin Swift had gotten me, with that strong jaw and that bright smile. It costs nearly twenty creds to get a bottle of water in this stupid theme park, but the smiles, they say, are always free.

Ma wouldn’t’ve agreed. Good old Sarah Steel always said that there was only one thing in life that came free – and that was death.

SWIFT: Keep your eyes peeled. We don’t want to let the murderer get away.

JUNO (NARRATOR): And from the look of things, the alternative was getting more expensive by the minute.

MUSIC: ENDS.

***

SOUND: TRAIN MOVING, MUSIC.

CONDUCTOR: If you've enjoyed this tale, please consider donating to The Penumbra on Patreon. Our artists work tirelessly to bring you these stories, and if you have the means, we hope you will support our efforts. Every dollar helps. You can find that page at patreon.com/thepenumbrapodcast. If you support us on Patreon at the $10 level or higher, you'll receive access to commentary tracks like this one, from actors Kate Jones, Joshua Ilon, and Sarah Gazdowicz:

SOUND: TRAIN STOPS, DOOR SLIDES OPEN, RAIN.

SARAH: …to be manipulative, but I don’t think that that is true. I think that she thinks Rita is very cute.

KATE: How—

SARAH: And—

KATE: —can you not?

SARAH: I don’t– I don’t know.

JOSHUA: You have to be around her all the time. [unintelligible mumbling – speak up, Joshua]

KATE: Alright.

JOSHUA: No that’s what we’ve seen! We’ve seen what overexposure to Rita does. That’s what this episode has shown us, more. It’s-it’s beginning– before and after. It’s ‘oh, that’s charming!’ and then, now ‘I can’t get rid of it.’

SARAH: No, but you couldn’t live without Rita.

JOSHUA: No, you couldn’t.

SARAH: You can’t. Rita’s one of a kind.

JOSHUA: Yeah. You can drown in too much water, though…

SOUND: DOOR SLIDES SHUT.

CONDUCTOR: You can also support The Penumbra by liking us on Facebook, following us on Twitter @thepenumbrapod, following us on Tumblr @thepenumbrapodcast, telling your friends about us, telling your friends to tell their friends about us, and especially by rating and reviewing our podcast on iTunes. Every rating, comment, and kind word spreads our stories further and inspires us to keep creating more and better tales to come.

We would like to give special thanks to all who support us on Patreon, but especially to Lynné Herman, Gray, Jaimie Gunter, and the Princess and the Scrivener for their incredibly generous contributions per episode. Thank you.

This tale, Juno Steel and the Dragon’s Den, was told by the following people: Joshua Ilon as Juno Steel, Kate Jones as Rita, Sarah Gazdowicz as Yasmin Swift, Bob Mussett as Lorenzo Vega, Simon Moody as Mayor Pilot Pereyra, and M. Sutherland as the narrator.

On staff at The Penumbra: Kevin Vibert is our lead writer and recording engineer. Sophie Kaner is our director and sound designer. Grahame Turner is our script editor. Noah Simes is our production manager. Alice Chung is our designer and financial manager. Original music by Ryan Vibert. Promotional art by Mikaela Buckley.

The Penumbra is created and produced by Sophie Kaner and Kevin Vibert.

I'm afraid this is the end of the line for today, dear Traveler. We hope you will ride with The Penumbra again soon.

ALL SOUNDS: FADE OUT.

[themyskira]

THAT Wonder Woman script, part 2 of oh shit it got worse

Previously on Wonder Woman, we met our hero -- brave, selfless, moral, willing to go to bat for perfect strangers without a thought for personal safety, but uneasy with emotional vulnerability, preferring to rebuff intimacy with snark and condescension.

I’m talking, of course, about Steve Trevor. Wait, who did you think the hero of this movie was?

Anyway, Steve crashed in plane on an island of Nasty Women, proved his moral superiority and won a convert in the form of a luminous-elemental-natural-curvaceous-waterfall-girl, who beat up her mother to save his life, then decided to follow him home. Just because.

Now Steve and The Girl are flying into a war zone, where Steve is overdue to deliver much-needed supplies to sick, starving refugees.

Alright, so they reach their destination, and there’s trouble on the ground. The runway is crawling with soldiers, and Steve’s crew — Ben Mzamane, Dr Moira “Sully” Sullivan and Griffin Thiele — are looking distinctly worried.

Steve admonishes Diana to keep herself hidden and not cause any trouble, before exiting the plane to greet the soldiers’ leader, a “petty warlord” called Goshnak. He’s the one they had to bribe to get supplies in for the refugees, and he’s demanding extra compensation on account of Steve’s delayed arrival.

BEN We are grateful for everything you have done—

GOSHNAK And what is your gratitude? A few paltry bribes!?

STEVE They’re not paltry. These are quality bribes—

Things are getting dire. They’re surrounded by men with guns and Goshnak is threatening to take the whole damn plane. Then Diana emerges from the plane and suddenly everyone is staring.

SULLY My god. That is a quality bribe.

Hahaha!! What hilarity! I don’t know why more writers don’t exploit the rich comedic vein that is human sex trafficking!!

There’s some mystical nonsense where the camera closes tight on Diana’s foot as it touches the ground and sends a wind whistling through the trees, across the mountains, over the sea and into a darkened room where an ominous figure raises its head.  Nobody on the airstrip notices, mostly because Goshnak is still threatening to shoot everybody and Diana is Not Helping.

GOSHNAK All the goods on that plane are mine.

DIANA No they’re not.

GOSHNAK Do you dare to question my authority?

DIANA Authority that cannot be questioned should look for a different name.

wow great very helpful Diana, lecturing the man with the gun on semantics.

GOSHNAK You bring this whore to insult me?

DIANA What did you say?

STEVE Diana, shut up.

Okay, on the one hand, in the context of this scene Diana is making a bad situation worse and, as she’s being written, this character kind of needs to be told to shut up. On the other hand, I don’t need to see Steve Trevor telling Wonder Woman to shut up, especially right after another man has called her a whore.

And speaking of stupid out-of-character behaviour—

DIANA (moving toward Goshnak) If you want to challenge me, then be man enough to—

I cannot think of a character less likely to use the expression “man enough” than fucking Wonder Woman.

Anyway, that’s the point where Goshnak shoots her in the chest.

She puts a hand to her chest, confused. Blood runs over her hand. […] Diana is on her hands and knees, an unlovely gurgle in her breath. She pushes hard on the (unseen) wound. A few moments, and she wrenches her hand from her chest, rearing back onto her knees.

In her bloody hand, she holds a bullet.

She stares at it, standing shakily up. Goshnak backs off a step, freaked. She holds the bullet up to him, furious confusion in her eyes. She looks at Steve…

DIANA Are you people insane?

And then she faints.

Such heroics.

We cut to Gateway City, where the Spearhead Technologies building dominates the skyline, resembling the head of a spear. Track down through the more run-down neighbourhoods, down into an empty subway station and deep into the old sewerage tunnels beneath the city.

An older homeless man leads a younger female reporter through the tunnels. Their destination:

…a half graffiti/half American-primitive MURAL, depicting a figure in armour on a horse stabbing a giant dragon. Behind them, towers crumble and burn. It’s eerie and awkward, and very beautiful.

It also apparently means something to reporter-lady, but we don’t get to find out what, because that’s when Strife appears.

GINNY (continuing) My God…

The white, deformed face with the bright red teeth and the carved metal skull-cap appears right next to hers, grinning horrifically.

STRIFE No. Not yours.

And then he kills them both. Yes, “he”. For some reason Whedon has decided to make Eris/Strife — a goddess in Greek mythology — into a dude.

Back Our Hero, waiting outside a tent at base camp. Sully is inside tending to Diana. His mate Griffin is particularly concerned for Diana.

GRIFFIN […] I can’t believe Goshnak. Who the hell shoots an unarmed, tasty looking girl?

Okay, so really he’s more concerned for Diana’s rack.

Sully steps out, clearly unhappy, and announces there’s nothing more she can do. This sounds ominous until Diana strides out afterwards, completely healed; turns out Sully didn’t need to do anything.

Diana heads urgently for the plane and Steve hurries after her. He’s stunned that she’s up and about with barely a scar after only six hours; Diana is aghast that it took so long.

STEVE […] You’re healed.

DIANA Yes, after hours. It’s degrading… to be felled by a tiny piece of metal. (quietly) I didn’t know something could hurt that much.

STEVE (not unkindly) Welcome to the world.

THIS WORLD IS SO FUCKED, MAN, I HAD TO WAIT SIX WHOLE HOURS FOR MY NEAR-FATAL GUNSHOT WOUND TO BE MIRACULOUSLY HEALED. SO DEGRADING, I HAVE NEVER BEEN SO OFFENDED IN MY LIFE.

Diana picks up the pace. Goshnak’s men took the supplies to their camp in the hills, and she intends to get them back. There’s a guard at the plane; she knocks him flat without breaking a sweat. As she changes into her armour, Steve lectures her again. He’s a dick about it, but he does have a point: none of Diana’s behaviour has been helpful so far, and now she’s planning on walking into a warlord’s camp and starting a firefight.

Not killing, though. She is prepared to kill a warrior on a battlefield, she says, but nobody who “hides behind” a gun can be called a warrior. Which— look, I’m as pro-gun-control as they come, but that is a bizarrely political statement to put in the mouth of a character who barely even understands what firearms are, let alone the currents of debate going on in America and around the world. Sure, she’s just experienced being shot, and the intense pain of it shocked her, but I’m pretty sure getting disembowelled with a sword is super painful as well.

Basically, Diana’s deep and immediate disgust at guns specifically reads like Whedon trying to shoehorn his own politics into the script, and it does not work.

To Diana’s credit, she proves slightly more competent at dealing with Goshnak’s men. She picks off the sentries in the dark, takes the sleeping soldiers by surprise, and this time when Goshnak shoots, she’s ready to deflect the bullets with her bracelets.

She could use some work on her patter, though.

…she grabs his throat.

DIANA Stop. Shooting. Me.

The gun hits the ground and Diana brings her heel down on it with enough force to break it.

DIANA (continuing) This land is not safe for you. The people here are under my protection and if you even approach them, your death will be appalling. Remember that, when you awake.

She headbutts him, her tiara ringing off his forehead like a blunted bell.

“your death will be appalling”? really?

She changed her mind quick on the whole non-killing thing.

Later, in the refugee camp, the food has been distributed and the doc is tending to the sick. Diana watches as a young boy eats hungrily from a can, only for a man — maybe his father — see him and snatched the food for himself.

STEVE (appearing) Yeah, starvation doesn’t seem to make people nicer. It’s weird.

URGH GO AWAY STEVEN YOU ABSOLUTE TOSSER.

DIANA How could the gods allow this?

STEVE Your gods are dead, Diana. World hasn’t been theirs for a long while.

HAHA, BOOM! Take that, Diana! Shame on you for trying to come to grips with a world you’ve known for all of twelve hours!

Steve walks off, and Ben approaches to reassure Diana that Our Hero is just super prickly because of his Tragic Backstory. See, he used to be in the Air Force, flying combat missions, and once got downed behind enemy lines. He left the military with “a health distrust of anyone with too much power” and “[d]ecided to drop something more productive than bombs” — that’s why he set up this operation with Sully.

Diana asks whether Steve and Sully are “mates” because let us remember that the Amazons are a DEEPLY AND EXCLUSIVELY HETEROSEXUAL CULTURE and naturally it would never enter her mind that Steve might be in a relationship with Ben or Griffin, or for that matter more than one person. Anyway. AWKWARDNESS ENSUES.

BEN Mates?

DIANA Do they… mate? Or…

BEN (smiles) Sully would never put up with him. I don’t believe Steve’s seeing anyone right now.

DIANA (awkward) Oh. That’s of no import. To me. I don’t care about that.

URGH STOP.

Ben asks Diana what she intends to do next, and she says “to help”. Because as we’ve seen she has zero plans outside of taking a gap year in Man’s World so she can ‘find herself’. “I need to know more,” she elaborates unhelpfully. “I need to see… everything.” Apparently unfazed, Ben invites her to “stick with us”. Next stop, Gateway City.

What is Gateway, Diana asks?

We’re answered by a voiceover as we cut back to the Spearhead building.

CALLAS (V.O.) The greatest city in the world. The symbol of American ingenuity, prosperity, and cultural diversity. […] Literally, our gateway to the world.

The speaker is Spearhead’s CEO, Arabella Callas, who appears to be a low-budget Veronica Cale. She is, Joss tells us, “[v]ery blonde, very patrician, unflappable and icy smooth. As lovely as she is untouchable.”

She’s talking to a seemingly mundane meeting of executives and city councilmen, about zoning issues. We learn that Spearhead deals in military technology and is one of the city’s biggest investors. The councillors are keen to accommodate them.

Of course, the moment everyone leaves, Callas flips from zero to cartoon fucking villain. She touches a painting behind her desk, which glows briefly. A tapestry lifts to reveal a giant steel door, which slides open. And with that, Callas strolls on into her evil lair.

INT. SPEARHEAD WAR ROOM - CONTINUING

A cross between a Wall Street trading bullpen and Houston Ground Control, this is where Spearhead monitors the world. There are screens with maps and satellite feeds, dozens of employees with headsets tracking troop movements, high-level government communications, even weather patterns. These employees don’t wear suits. They wear black.

From Callas’ interactions with the operatives, we basically learn that Spearhead are secretly puppetmasters of chaos; no exaggeration. Talks between two warring nations have broken down thanks to an interpreter on Spearhead’s payroll; Callas instructs an employee to “keep our reps on point; I don’t want a bullet fired that wasn’t bought from us”. There’s a hurricane off the Carolina coast, and Spearhead is preparing to seed mass panic in the media. Some dictator wants to get his hands on Spearhead’s new bombers before the Pentagon — Callas is willing to deal for “12 per cent”. A 12 per cent mark-up, the employee asks? No, says Callas: 12 per cent of his county.

Basically, Callas and Spearhead are a caricature of corporate villainy and Joss could not be less subtle if he tried. But wait! There’s more!

Callas announces that she’s going to pray and exits into a dark room lit by torches and dominated by a statue of Ares.

I know, guys. I’m shocked, too. Who would’ve ever thought that Spearhead Enterprises, a weapons manufacturing company that secretly stokes war from inside a building shaped like a spear, would actually be a front for a cult of the god of war?! This is entirely unexpected. I mean, gosh, next you’ll be telling me that Gateway City is sitting on top of a gateway to something ominous and supernatural! Crazy stuff!!

As Callas prays, Strife materialises and tells her he’s gotten rid of the reporter. Callas presses; was he discreet about it?

CALLAS […] The eyes of the world cannot be on Gateway. Not right now. The world is won—

STRIFE (along with her) —won in silence. I know. There was a time when the God of War made war.

CALLAS You want war, you need armies. You need an acceptable level of poverty and ignorance. (looking up at the statue) Despair, rage, religious fervour and above all fear.

Honestly, Marston wrote villains that were more nuanced than this. Whedon literally named her Callous, ffs.

They talk about some reports of a woman taking out a rebel brigade in Africa singlehandedly, then they discuss a planned test of “the Khimaera” as they step into a large silo. The technology inside has a distinctly magical edge. What’s the Khimaera, you ask?

CALLAS The Age of Monsters is over.

STRIFE Is it. Is it really.

As he says it the camera pulls back to reveal the head of the Khimaera — we see little more than a metal shape, the top of which resembles a cross between a lion’s head and a massive rock-drill. Clearly filling the entire silo, the thing writhes and spews fire. Maintenance machines arm out from the wall or crawl over it, insectlike.

groan.

Back to Our Hero and The Girl, who have arrived in the city. Diana is eager to see everything at once; Steve isn’t so sure it’s a good idea to let her go wandering on her own. “I’ll be fine,” she says. “No, I’m kind of afraid for the city,” he deadpans.

Diana enters the throng of the city — “looking at everything and everyone intently, more sociologist than sightseer”. We pan through various sights — extreme wealth and extreme poverty, toy stores and strip clubs. Someone shoves a “LIVE NUDE GIRLS” flyer into her hands; appalled, she looks around to give it back. Which makes sense, because obviously living all her life on an island of Extremely Heterosexual Women, Diana is going to be extremely prudish about the female body.

Then,

—a hooker in an outfit skimpier than Diana’s who stares at Diana, asking:

HOOKER Who are you supposed to be?

Hahaha!! It’s funny because the sex worker thought Diana, also, was a sex worker, which as we all know is a Gross and Shameful thing to be! Oh, the comedy!

Diana steps into the street, forcing a guy in a convertible to swerve around her. He calls her a bitch, she stops the car dead with her bare hands and asks him to repeat that, but then the confrontation is cut short by a cry from across the street. A fourteen-year-old boy is being shaken down by a drug dealer.

Diana whips the dealer with her lasso; he pulls out his gun and starts firing. She deflects the bullets easily, knocks away the gun and lectures him about how she doesn’t like firearms. Then she whips the lasso around his neck and demands to know what he’s doing.

THE DEALER I’m just standing here minding my own crack dealing! (he stops, shaken) No, no, I sell crack! And guns. I also run whores sometimes— or, no! I mean… (deflated) That’s what I mean.

Diana ascertains that the major drug kingpin in the city is a dude called Kleen. We will be spending a stupid amount of time following up on him later, despite his having no relevance to the broader plot.

However, as they speak, Diana realises that dozens of rats are scurrying up from the basement grating of the old building behind them. They’re afraid of something.

Cut to the Spearhead war room, where the Khimaera test — whatever that is — is underway. An employee tells Callas that they have structural engineers ready to feed the media some story about a seismic tremor and a building not built to code. But there’s a problem — the cameras are showing somebody unexpected on the test site.

Because gosh darn it, wouldn’t you just know, first day in the city and Wonder Woman has managed to blunder onto the very site on which Evil Incorporated is testing their doomsday device!

Back to Diana, who’s now urgently shoving people out of the building, racing up the stairs to usher people out of the upper floors as the walls begin to lurch and buckle. She’s barely managed to get everyone out when Strife jumps her. They fight, Diana just holding her own, and Strife warns her to stay out of the city as he teleports away, leaving the building to collapse on her.

Later, in Steve’s bedroom, Diana lies face-down and topless on the bed as Steve cleans her wounds. She explains that Strife the the cruellest god and the servant of his uncle, Ares, because Joss isn’t even trying. FYI, Eris — the Greek personification of strife — is Ares’ brother (and/or first-cousin-twice-removed, Greek divine family trees are complicated) and she works for her own dang self.

Steve immediately leaps to the conclusion that Strife’s appearance is Diana’s fault, because Steve is a dick.

DIANA Do you think it’s all coincidence? Truly? The signs are all around us. You don’t think I’m here for a reason?

STEVE I think you’re dangerous. I think you mean well but you’re looking for trouble and you’re wildly adept at finding it. I think you’ve got delusions of grandeur and some actual grandeur, which is confusing. I don’t like confusing. I hate the fact that I’m so attracted to you, just touching you is overwhelming and I keep hoping you’ll turn around so I can see more of you naked.

He stops, even more confused than she is. His jaw sets and he reaches down, pulls the lasso out from under his butt. She tries not to show her smile.

you are the worst joss.

Diana talks a bit about how despite the violence and inequality and selfishness she’s seen, she believes the people of this world have the capacity for good — they just need to be reminded to look up. Steve makes a guess — that’s her mission, right? Diana corrects him: “Our mission.” This… is actually sounding almost like Diana for once. She doesn’t just want to beat the big bads, she wants to inspire, empower and work together with those around her to build a better world.

Naturally, Steve has to spoil it by being a wanker again.

STEVE […] What if you lose?

DIANA As long as there’s life in me, I don’t quit.

STEVE Nyeah, but I didn’t say ‘quit’. I said ‘lose’. Any idiot can win. Doesn’t mean jack till you’ve done the other thing.

Aaaaaand we’re back to the old “you can’t be a hero because you haven’t suffered enough”.

A series of short scenes follows; Diana interrupting drug shipments, taking down thugs, rescuing women from human traffickers, saving people from collapsing buildings and so on. We see that Steve and his people are working with her to give medical treatment to victims and map out Kleen’s criminal empire.

Joss still has time for some casual dickishness, though.

GIRL Lady? (points up) My cat is stuck in that tree.

Diana looks up, sees the cat on a branch, looks back at the girl with dismissive incomprehension.

DIANA Climb it.

but waitwaitwait. You know what we haven’t had in a good couple of scenes? Some good ol’-fashioned slut-shaming!

NEWSCASTER [female] Reports have come in from all over the city. Descriptions vary, but all describe her as female, impossibly strong and scantily clad. […]

NEWSCASTER #2 [male] So, what do you think? Publicity stunt?

NEWSCASTER (sourly) Probably. The last time I checked, heroes didn’t run around in bustiers.

Strife and Callas complain about how the meddling kids are spoiling their evil plans. Callas has a solution in mind, though — the one thing that “for an Amazon, is worse than death”.

OH GOOD WE’RE ALMOST AT THE DEPOWERING, DEGRADATION AND LIVE BURIAL PART OF THE SCRIPT THIS CAN’T POSSIBLY GO POORLY

[meggannn]

andromeda review

I finished the game Monday night so I’ve had a few days to think over my feelings. No major plot spoilers in this post but putting behind a cut anyway.

I want to rip the bandaid off, so I’ll get the bad news out of the way first.

THE BAD

It’s clear what influence Frostbite -- and by extension EA -- has had on Andromeda, and it’s not always good. It’s a big world, which was kind of what they signed on for by setting the stage in a new galaxy: if it wasn’t big, people would complain we never got to “really see” Andromeda. So they made it big and pushed the exploration thing. It’s not as big as Inquisition, thank god, with not nearly so many pointless fetch quests, but there are still enough sidequests to deter the average player and don’t really move the plot further. I’m actually the kind of dedicated idiot who actually doesn’t mind collecting pointless shit across seventeen maps if it actually gives me more information about the lore or characters, but when it just comes with XP and a check mark, it irritates the living heck out of me. Andromeda has a fair amount of both types.

In the long run, this is a very minor complaint, more about what Bioware doesn’t put in the game than what they do, but I was let down in the lack of… creativity? In the new Andromeda species. After finishing the game however, for plot reasons, I can see why there are several reasons why they would keep the bipedal humanoid alien design, but it’s still a little disappointing. Lore-wise, I think traveling to a new galaxy would be the perfect stage to design more mind-bending aliens like the Leviathans or rachni (the Reapers controlled the direction organic life evolved in the Milky Way, but not Andromeda, right?). Aliens with different types of societies! Aliens that are bigger or smaller in scale than us! Aliens that have different ideas of the word ‘intelligence’! And we got only two sentient species, one of which actually has some form of settled home in Andromeda, the other of which we try to slaughter when we’re within fifty meters of each other.

For people who have played the original trilogy, it becomes kind of obvious they’re retreading familiar ground, and sometimes it gets predictable. Not just with their themes -- which I expect -- but their plot twists. I’ll avoid spoiling too much. There are also moments it feels as though they’re trying to ‘top’ the trauma Shepard went through in the original series by putting Ryder through worse, so much so that when Ryder’s in serious danger it feels a bit like they’re crying wolf. They somehow managed to do this without making Ryder feel like ‘the new Shepard’ -- which is a good thing -- but still, it’s a bit odd and disconnecting. It’s like you can see the talks at the tables when the creative director said “and then we’ll do THIS” and nobody considered if it was, um, logical.

With the writing, there was occasionally a lot of -- for lack of a better phrase -- telling and not showing, or in some other cases, stretching the limits of lore believability just to create conflict for the player to fight. I tend to hate when people use “show don’t tell” as a criticism because I think they’re usually overlooking something, but this is a common theme with BW games and in Andromeda it happens pretty consistently. We are constantly told that the angara are always “free” with their feelings and rarely if ever hide their emotions from the world, yet aside from Jaal’s consistent emotional vulnerability (who I thought was great btw), angara mostly tend to speak and talk and walk exactly like us. Having a conversation with an angaran NPC felt exactly like an asari or human NPC, except, you know, in how they looked.

((MILD PLOT SPOILERS: If you’ve reached Aya you’re probably fine to read)) I’m obviously relieved Bioware didn’t go in the colonization direction -- something I didn’t want to have to worry about the first place -- but instead there’s an undeniable white savior (or “human savior”) theme instead. (It became especially prominent later in the game.) This is difficult to document exactly because it’s not as explicit as other classic examples -- in MEA, Jaal has a large presence and is actively involved in protecting and saving his people; the Initiative/Ryder has to work their ass off to prove their intentions are peaceful and even then the angara are portrayed to rightfully still be skeptical -- but at the end of the day, the angara are a POC coded culture and ~only a stranger can save them~. The angara have also become Mass Effect’s elven equivalent from Dragon Age, in terms of how much and how often the story throws them into the mud. At least unlike the elves, they don’t argue that it’s the angara’s fault, but after a while it feels like slow and cruel torture of a native species that’s already been through hell.

The Chosen One narrative is how Bioware operates, I get it. But I’m getting tired of people treating the Pathfinder/Inquisitor like a hero-in-the-making before they have the chance to prove they’re even a person. (Sorry to keep bringing DA2 up, but this is why I liked Hawke so much -- you worked to Championship from the ground up, and everyone knew it.) What is so freaking special about the symbol of Pathfinders that makes everyone flock to you when you first step onto the Nexus? Did the Initiative really pin all their hopes on scouting landscapes and settling colonies in hostile or extreme environments on the shoulders of four people?

The disappointing LGBT romances are already well-documented, but I have to give a particular call-out to how they handled the only mlm’s storyline, because it was terrible. (It’s honestly astounding how it passed the desks of multiple people and nobody thought to say hey, maybe this is offensive?)

After watching Jaal’s romance… I’m still not convinced aliens should ever be straight in any circumstance, but I don’t think just a patch would solve this one -- I think Jaal’s romance employs a lot of you’re-the-girl-of-my-dreams tropes that were meant to specifically appeal to women, so swapping Sara for Scott in this case might feel lazy or contrived. Liam’s romance, though -- which I LOVED and I highly recommend people watch if they have a few minutes on Youtube -- is completely free of any sort of gender stereotypical tropes and would work just as well with any Ryder.

Okay now onto the good stuff, which was fortunately most of it.

THE GOOD

Despite all of the above, I really, genuinely, enjoyed this game and think both old and new Mass Effect players would enjoy it. There are some growing pains -- Ryder asks a few dumb questions for exposition that most ME fans know by heart and other times an NPC comments on this or that lore reference that new people wouldn’t understand in the slightest, but it doesn’t ruin the experience. I finished at around 75 hours and 97% completion with most of the remaining activities the ‘no lore included’ fetch quests I was complaining about earlier. And despite my whining about the sidequests, I actually did genuinely like them, for the most part. They gave me more information about each of the worlds and how people live there, often because the same people would give me multiple quests, or reference each other, so the locations felt like real places that people lived in.

The companions and their relationships -- including romances -- are really good. Like, not to call it leagues better than Inquisition, because Inquisition had great companions, but unlike the Inquisitor I actually felt like Ryder had a place on the ship. I knew what their job was, sure, but I also know who they were when they interacted with people, even allowing for the freedom of player choice. The Initiative isn’t military, and neither is your ship, though plenty of the squad have professional firearms and crisis training, which is a great shift from Shepard and the Normandy -- it comes with more casual banter, but it also has its downsides, because there will be fights on your ship between people, because many of them are not professionals, just highly skilled expertises, and they aren’t used to working with others. It sucks because you have to mediate the arguments, but it’s also realistic.

The animation is fine, and yeah the CC sucks and I wish it were better, but it’s hardly the end of the world. Mass Effect always did better with aliens than it did with humans, so it’s hardly a surprise, and personally I think if people are going to throw a fit over their PC not having the right kind of eyebrows or a glitch where a character holds a gun backwards that happens once in a 70+ hour game, and that ruins the entire experience for them… they might want to pick another hobby.

I’ve seen people complaining that the writing is shit, and it’s true that occasionally I’ll hear a cheesy line and think a fifteen year old could’ve done better, but the largest majority of the time, I wonder what those complaints were smoking. The writing is great. I feel like these are all real people -- and I especially feel Ryder is a real person, a real sister/brother, a real twenty-something thrown into a million problems they’re unequipped to handle.

I was surprised to actually be… impressed by the way they handle angaran relations. The white savior thing is still true and will always be true, but I appreciate that Ryder has to work their ass off to prove they’re trustworthy, and even then, the angara that still openly distrust aliens aren’t wrong for it, and Ryder has to respect that or risk their respect. They’re wary, and they have every right to be, and the story doesn’t punish them for it. (Even the Roekaar are slightly sympathetic in a way, because a majority of them are fighting because they’re scared.)

Open world games are usually something I dread, but I didn’t mind the open landscapes for the most part, because the Mako -- I mean Nomad -- gets you around pretty fast, you’ve got banter to listen to in the meantime, and the upgrades really helped whenever the terrain became challenging. Don’t get me wrong, sometimes it’s really too much, but for the most part, I honestly didn’t mind, and I was surprised I didn’t.

The journal prioritization system reminds me of DA2 in a good way; compared to previous ME games, and even Inquisition, MEA makes it a lot easier to tell which quests are worth doing/plot relevant, and which would just amount to my dicking around in the wilderness for XP or loot.

The combat is excellent -- not to rag on the original series’ system because there wasn’t anything particularly wrong with it, but I can definitely see major improvements in creativity and flexibility. It’s fluid, much more mobile, and the jumpjets let you get so much more creative. Letting people mix and match powers is a little far-fetched, but you can handwave a lot of with SAM’s profile implant, so I don’t really mind. The only irritating thing is that you’re limited to three powers at once, but since you have about a million powers available to you in the first place and can equip four favorite profiles at once, it seems a fair trade. (I’ve found a way around this anyway -- instead of bringing up the HUD and going to favorites, if you pause the game in the middle of combat, you can fool around with your skills AND change profiles and resume combat with no cooldown.)

It felt like ME1 in all of the best ways. Like I mentioned above, it’s true they’re sort of treading familiar ground in their themes and plot twists, but there were certain parts of the final mission in particular were most definitely purposeful references to/love letters to the original trilogy. It makes it feel like the start of a new journey; I told a friend when I finished that I felt exactly like I had when I finished ME1 for the first time, excited and scared and pumped to start playing sequel.

My overall experience was a great one; I’m planning on starting my second playthrough as soon as I can, probably tomorrow. It was familiar to old fans who loved ME1 for its newness and strangeness, it’s friendly to new players, and I think it’ll be remembered strongly in the future if it is the beginning of a new series like I expect it to be. (LBR, if it isn’t “part one” of a new story...... it makes no sense. It’s practically screaming for more.)

[vikachuuniverse]

My last adventure was Iceland.  I found a cheap ticket from Paris to Reykjavik, and another cheap(ish) ticket from Reykjavik to Phoenix.  It cost me about $600 for both, which was a pretty good deal.  I booked them on a whim halfway through studying abroad, and I must admit I was a bit nervous about the whole thing.  All my plans for getting home revolved around spending the holidays with my girlfriend, and if we broke up I’d not only be sad to lose her but I’d be stranded in Europe.  My money was nearly gone, and I certainly wouldn’t be able to absorb the financial hit of re-booking a whole other flight back to the US.

Luckily, everything went according to plan, and on the morning of January 6th I was on the train to the Charles de Gaulle airport.  My flight to Reykjavik (which means “Smoky Bay” in Icelandic) was about three hours and went smoothly.  I was a little worried about my wardrobe mostly because I didn’t have my snow boots with me, and before I even got on the plane I slipped in a puddle of water in the airport bathroom and wiped out.  If I was going to be that clumsy in non-icy conditions, I could only imagine the trouble I’d encounter in a country that literally has “ice” in its name.

That morning I struggled to get all my luggage (which was so heavy I was afraid they’d charge me for an over-sized bag) on and off the train by myself.  You had to leave the bags in a designated luggage area before you took your seat, and I wasn’t even worried about it being stolen.  If I could barely lift it, I doubted a thief would be determined enough to steal it.  It made me nervous that the train only stopped for a few minutes at each platform.  What if the doors started to close before I could drag my stuff out of the car?  I was thankful that I only had one big suitcase.  Between that, my backpack, my carry on, and two big plastic shopping bags full of souvenirs, I had more than I could handle.

The plastic shopping bags worried me as well, because what if the flight attendants counted that as carry on baggage and told me I had too much to take on the plane?  Never in my life had I seen anyone get denied their right to board on account of too much luggage.  Sometimes it would’ve made sense for passengers to get pulled aside and informed that no, three carry on bags per person is not allowed.  Even in these instances, all of the people I’d witnessed who were obviously bringing too much with them only got side-eyed by displeased airline personnel as they wrestled with their luggage.

This time it was the same, and I boarded my plane with (relative) ease.  In three hours we were touching down on a tarmac only a few minutes away from beautiful exotic-looking black sand beaches.  I’d never seen anything like it.  I couldn’t wait to explore the next day.

The express buses from the airport to Reykjavik were the most expensive airport transportation I’d taken thus far (excluding the cab I took in Venice, Italy of course).  It was nearly $40 for a round trip.  Actually, everything in Iceland was ridiculously expensive.  I ate at Subway for lunch one day, and a 6-inch spicy Italian sub with a bottle of water cost me almost $15.

I guess technically, it was a bottle of flavored fizzy water, but you get my point.  I asked for a bottle of water and that’s what the cashier handed me.  You’re encouraged not to pay for water in Iceland because its just as pure straight out of the tap, but I mostly just bought it for the container.  Oh, fun fact: the hot water smells like sulfur.  After I took a shower my hair smelled really funky.

By some incredible stroke of luck, my Airbnb happened to be right across the street from the Grayline bus station.  I hauled my giant suitcase through a veritable snowstorm before arriving at the correct apartment building.  I texted my host and tried to cool off.  It was freezing and snowing but the amount of effort it took to move my stuff made my coat into a suffocating furnace.

“Hey!”

I looked around, confused.

“Up here!  Come up!”

A woman was leaning out the window of the fourth floor.

“It’s open, come in!”

My heart sank as I opened the door and looked at the stairs.  One by one, I took my suitcase, my carry on, and my shopping bags up each flight.  By the time I got to the top, my arms felt like they’d been ripped out of their sockets.

The host was very nice and welcoming.  I especially appreciated it when she gave me three bus tickets that had been left behind by previous travelers.  I was worried that I’d have to buy a whole book of them for another $40 because online I couldn’t find a single ride option.

Her cat, Lolli, was friendly and always wanted to cuddle.  I shared the bed with him one night, and he made it so warm that I had a hard time falling asleep!  My room in Iceland was warmer than my room in Spain.  Go figure.

I booked two tours of the island during the two full days I was there.  I wasn’t about to try to rent a car in the treacherous winter weather, and definitely not while I was by myself.  I did both through Arctic Adventures, and both were by bus.  I wanted to see as much as possible while spending as little as possible, so I selected a Golden Circle express afternoon tour and an all-day tour of several waterfalls and a black sand beach.

For the first tour, I had a guide who was born and raised in Iceland.  He was an upbeat, self-proclaimed “Viking” whose name I can’t remember.  Apparently he had the same name as Game of Thrones character, and in English it translated to “hairy pants.”  The weather was bad, and as soon as we passed the city limits of Reykjavik the world turned pure white.  Visibility was terrible, but the guide said that he was more than accustomed to driving in such weather.

Right after he gave a long lecture about the dangers of driving through snowstorms if you didn’t have much experience with snow, we passed a van that was on its side in a snow bank.  We stopped and someone kicked open the back door of the van and crawled out to talk to our guide.  Thankfully, everyone involved in the wreck was all right and a tow truck was on its way.  Shortly after that encounter, we passed a billboard with two mangled cars on top.  It displayed a count of the number of people killed in car accidents that year.  With it being only January 7th, the count was currently at one.  I shivered thinking about how the count could’ve jumped up a few more if those people in the van weren’t so fortunate.

That day we visited the site of the oldest Parliament in Europe, the partially frozen waterfall Gulfoss, and the geyser Geysir.  Not surprisingly, the English word “geyser” is derived from Geysir.

I decided to save $12 on renting hiking boots and take the risk of wearing my Nike’s again.  That morning, I walked all the way from my Airbnb to the bus pickup location in downtown Reykjavik, which took over an hour.  It was icy and the roads were full of puddles that soaked through the shoes and three pairs of socks I’d put on for good measure.  Still, I was able to make it all the way there without slipping.  The Nike’s were fine once I got into the heart of downtown; they must have had heated sidewalks or some sort of maintenance, because the difference between downtown and the area around my Airbnb was like night and day.

Here are some photos from my trek downtown:

“The best way is to follow your heart”

If you look closely, you can see the bay at the end of the street, and then a mountain on the other side of the bay,

A mural found in down town Reykjavik.

Only when I’d made it to the bus and we started picking everyone else up did I realize that there was a pickup point located at the Grayline station right next to my Airbnb.

I didn’t use a bus ticket because I had booked two tours, and both of the pickup points were at the same place downtown.  I figured that I’d have to walk once, and when I did it might as well be during the day.  Thank goodness I did, because at night there was no chance of me getting to downtown without a few nasty bruises and possibly a concussion.

This was what a bus ticket looked like.  It was so small; if I had to use them often I’d be sure to lose them.

Anyways, I was wearing my Nike’s on the tour, and despite the ice and bone-chilling high winds, I shuffled through with no issues.  The Parliament site had some pretty views, but the wind made it hard to walk without getting pushed around.  It really did feel like someone was shoving you with a moderate amount of force.

Even underneath my hat, my hair was going crazy.

A gorge next to the Parliament site.

To me, Gullfoss was more exciting.  Unfortunately the path to get closer to the waterfall had been roped off due to icy conditions, but the view I had was breathtaking nonetheless.  I’d never seen so many shades of white and blue in my life.  The light was already fading (the sun started to rise around 10:30 am and by 4 pm) and it made everything seem like a landscape in a fantasy world.  I half expected an ice dragon to crawl out of the misty waters.

The blue was as brilliant in person as it is in this photo.

This picture shows how dark it was at 10:20 am.

By the time we got to Geysir, it was almost dark.  Everything smelled of sulfur and each pool of crystal clear water burbled quietly in the twilight.  Only one geyser was actually erupting, and did so quite frequently.  We were warned not to touch the water because it was extremely hot.  I thought that was kind of self explanatory, and I wondered how many tourists got nasty burns because they thought it’d be a good idea to warm up their hands.

The darker it got, the worse my photos were.

On the way to Geysir, we got to meet some Icelandic horses.  Don’t call them ponies; the locals will be offended.

On our way back to town, our guide told us that there was a rigorous process for civilians to buy and own firearms in Iceland.  Even the police don’t carry guns while on duty.  After the terrorist attack in Manchester, the police started carrying guns and the public outcry was so intense that this security measure was abandoned.  The only places that have armed security, said the guide, is the American embassy and maybe the Chinese embassy.

The number of gun deaths in Icelandic history?  One.  Just some food for thought.

The next day, I splurged on a hiking boot rental for my all-day tour.  At 7 am sharp, I left the Airbnb and trudged through slush over to the (way more convenient) Grayline pickup point.  This time, my guide was a Greek man who split his time between Italy and Iceland.

I was mostly excited about visiting a black sand beach on this tour, and I wasn’t disappointed.  After dropping off some tourists who’d purchased the glacier hiking package, we drove to the beach.  When we arrived the sun had not yet risen, so we mingled around the shore in the soft dawn light.  The waves seemed to push thick ribbons of sea foam onto the sand rather than water, and I marveled at how if you touched the foam, your hand came out soaking wet as if you’d just plunged it into the sea.  Which, I guess you had, but the foam was just so light and airy that it surprised me every time.

This picture really shows the foam.

Our guide warned us to be careful and to avoid venturing past a rocky cliff because the waves were wild and unpredictable today.  He told the story of how one day, a girl who was sitting in the parking lot got hit by a massive wave, and the parking lot’s a whole five minute walk from the shore.  Past that cliff there were huge rocks that made the beach a lot smaller, and therefore you had a bigger chance of getting swept up by a rogue wave.  Apparently people die on that beach every year.

I was keeping an eye on the waves during this picture.

Sure enough, one man on our tour got a little too close to the ocean while taking pictures, and when a particularly large wave rushed onto the sand he turned to run away and tripped, getting drenched in the process.  He wasn’t hurt except for his pride, maybe, and his camera didn’t do so well either.  Soaked and sullen, he didn’t get out of the warm bus for the rest of the stops we made that day.

We visited a small town that didn’t have much to offer save for a church on a hill and a restaurant, we returned to the glacier to pick up the rest of our group, and we hit two waterfalls on the way back.  They both had names I’ll probably never be able to pronounce.  Each were partially frozen and one you could walk right up to the pool of water at the base.  If you’d wanted to, you could’ve gone swimming.  Several people almost did as they scooted out on the ice to get a good picture.  I hiked up to the top of one waterfall and my phone shut down as I was taking a photo because it was so cold.

The small town

The beach by the small town

Skógafoss

Skógafoss

Skógafoss

Top of Skógafoss

Seljalandsfoss

Seljalandsfoss

The water was so clear

Surprisingly, the cold didn’t really bother me while I was in Iceland.  I wore a lot of socks and a lot of layers along with a hat and scarf and I did just fine.  The bus I was in was warm, and the stops we made were never more than an hour long.  Usually by the time I was back in the bus my hands were starting to go numb, but it didn’t bother me too much.  My hands are always cold anyways.

I didn’t do a northern lights tour.  I really wanted to, but it was cloudy and stormy for the few nights that I was there and I figured it wouldn’t be worth it.  I’d hoped that I’d see the lights while exploring the downtown area at night, or maybe even from my bedroom window, but I had no such luck.

I lived off of instant noodles and Belvita biscuits while I was there.  The food was so expensive that I just couldn’t bring myself to buy anything.  For dinner one night I scarfed down two Icelandic hot dogs from the famous Baejarins Beztu Pylsur hot dog stand for $5 each.  They were by far the cheapest food I’d seen, and they were amazing.  As I ordered, I noticed a photo of Bill Clinton (I think that’s who it was, but now that I think about it, it could’ve been George Bush) holding a hot dog.

Photo from downtown Reykjavik

Photo from downtown Reykjavik

Photo from downtown Reykjavik

My time in Iceland was great, and I headed to the airport really early on the day of my departure to the US.  My flight was supposed to leave around 4, but almost as soon as I arrived at the airport I got an email that said my flight would be delayed two hours.  This was irritating but fine, except I now I had less than an hour to catch my flight.  I sat down, worried, and got yet another email delaying my flight even more.  There was no way I’d be able to make my connecting flight to Phoenix.

I went to the customer support desk and argued with them for a while.  The woman insisted that I would be able to make my flight and it took me a minute to make her understand that no, I would arrive well after my connecting flight was supposed to be in the air.

I was switched to a later connecting flight that gave me about one hour to get to my gate.

The wait at the airport was excruciating.  My flight was delayed by two hours and 55 minutes, just five minutes short of getting a free meal ticket.  European flights, if delayed by three hours or more, are required by law to give passengers free meals.  I was tired and hungry and anxious.  I had someone who would be waiting for me at the airport, so if I didn’t get there on time they would be left stranded.

Finally, we were called to board.  We were already late.  Slowly, we scanned our passes and were forced to wait in a hallway.  Then we were slowly loaded into buses that sat on the tarmac in front of the plane for who knows how long before they finally allowed us to get on the plane.  We sat in our seats for an hour before the doors even closed.  I spent the whole flight sobbing because I knew that I had no chance of making my connecting flight.  Concerned flight attendants kept kneeling beside me to ask what was wrong, but I’m pretty sure they were more concerned that I was scared of planes than anything else.

During the long flight, I didn’t sleep at all.  My anxiety kept me awake as I tracked our flight through the air.  We managed to make up some time, and when we landed in Seattle I’d accumulated an hour gap between the landing and my next flight.  After consulting with the flight attendants, they simply gave me the decidedly not-helpful advice of, “Run, and see what happens.”

And so I did, I ran.  I ran through the passport checkpoint, I ran through customs (which was an absolute joke) after waiting 15 minutes to reclaim my bag, and I ran to the airport metro.

I was doomed from the start.

Seattle is a huge airport, and even though the flight attendants assured me that I wouldn’t have to go through airport security again, that’s exactly what I had to do.  I couldn’t afford the 20 minutes it took to wait in line, kick off my shoes, and hastily dump everything out of my bag.  When I arrived at my gate, I was disappointed but not surprised to see “gate closed” on the monitor.

It was 9 pm but to me it felt like 5 am, I was jet-lagged, exhausted, and starving.  When I saw “gate closed,” I knew that I’d have no choice but to stay in the airport overnight.

I dramatically collapsed on the ground in front of my gate, inches from a seat but too lazy to make the extra effort to sit in one.  Sobbing loudly, I hunched over my carry on and took off my glasses.  I’m sure everyone heard, but no one cared except for this sweet Middle Eastern lady in a hijab.

“Are you okay?  Hey!  Are you all right, dear?”

I looked up with red, puffy eyes and sniffled.

“What happened?  You miss your flight?”  She sat next to me and patted me on the back.  “Everyone is so mean in this country, they are all so cold!  They all walk by but they don’t say anything to someone who cries.”

I hiccuped a bit and she directed me over to the front desk for my airline.  I was grateful for her kindness, but nothing could really make me feel better.  The last thing I wanted to do was be stuck in an airport over night.

The women at the front desk were irritating as could be, but I was too drained to say much to them.  I simply shoved my ticket and passport over to them and mumbled something about Phoenix.  They talked among themselves in stage whispers so loud it was almost comical.

“How old is she?  If she’s a minor…”

“She’s… 20, so no…”

“Isn’t there another flight to Phoenix?  Sometimes they do a late one…”

“Next one is at 6 am…”

“Too early to put her up in a hotel…”

I wondered to myself how a 6 am flight was too early to put me up in a hotel when it wasn’t even 10 pm yet, but I didn’t have the energy to argue.

After breaking out of their huddle, one asked me if I was hungry.

“Yes…” I said in a pitiful, congested voice.

“Do you have money to buy something to eat?

I shook my head.

“Come on, Rhonda, give at least give her a meal ticket or something!”

Rhonda was a tiny woman who looked like she’d woken up on the wrong side of the bed.

“A meal ticket?  There’s nothing open at this time of night, it’s not worth it to give her a meal ticket.”

“Oh come on,” said the other lady, who I now consider my guardian angel along with the Middle Eastern lady.  “Let me do it.”

I was sent on my way with another boarding pass for a 6 am flight to Phoenix, a meal ticket, and a snack ticket.  After having a chicken walnut salad from one of the few places that were open I felt considerably better.  At least, I felt better until I tried to find my way back to my gate and ended up in baggage claim, which forced me to go through security for a third time that day.  At long last, I was at my gate and I tried to sleep with no success.  The airport was freezing and what sounded like a fire alarm went off for a whole hour.  I stayed in my seat, eye squeezed shut, and decided that if I was going to die in a fire that night, so be it.

My friend was forced to get a hotel for the night since I obviously wasn’t going to be able to meet her at the airport.

Finally, finally, 5:30 rolled around and I boarded my last flight.  (Well, last flight for a few months.)

In three hours, I was back in Phoenix, and that concluded my study abroad experience.

Thanks for reading,

V

Iceland My last adventure was Iceland.  I found a cheap ticket from Paris to Reykjavik, and another cheap(ish) ticket from Reykjavik to Phoenix.