#i did have a really violent nightmare about her the other night. that fucked me up...

[non-un-topo]

Why does instagram keep giving me videos about grandparents like does it want me to fall on the floor sobbing today

[igotanidea]

Voices: Jason Todd x reader

Dreaming was good.

Dreaming was nothing less of a perfect when she could feel his warm body next to her. The strong, protective embrace of his arms wrapped around her.

Or even if they got into a fight and were angry at each other - it was calming knowing that Jason was right beside, just a touch away. Even if he flinched and scoffed at the gentle move of her fingers on his back or shoulders. sooner or later he always relented and they worked through whatever shit was going on.

Together.

But dreaming was not always good.

Not when she woke up in the middle of the night, brutally torn from the very vivid and very real nightmare of Jason's dead, lifeless body in her arms. His blood on her hands and face. His empty, cold eyes. His emotionless face.

NO!!

The jolt was so sudden that even her cat, sleeping peacefully in the foot of the bed run away form her, leaving poor girl completly alone.

alone.

Going to bed alone. Every night.

Waking up alone. Every morning.

Deprived of his touch, his kisses, his love and affection.

Any affection.

And maybe she was acting like a whiny baby, but she needed him with her. Not out there. Not fighting crime lords or whatever villain might have shown his face at Gotham.

3 am....

Please come back home....

4 am,

5 am.....

Was he injured? Was he bleeding, hurt, scared? Maybe he took off running? Maybe he got back together with one of his exes? Artemis? Kori? Rose?

Maybe she wasn;t good enough for him? Maybe he realised he actually wanted some badass vigilante chick with toned muscles, sharp tongue, fiery attitude? Maybe he wanted someone hot?

She wasn't hot.

She was a wimp, shuddering in the cold, empy bed desperately craving her boyfriend presence. Be it bruised or in bad mood, but please --

Please come home.

I'll be better, I'll do better, I'll improve.

I'll be what you want me to be, just please don't leave me.

So far from what a modern woman should be, right? Codependent, fragile, weak, vulnerable, pathetic.

Or maybe just in love with a vigilante.

How did it happen that she got from worrying about him to questioning her whole lonely exsistence in 10 minutes?

He doesn;t want you.

You're ugly.

You're fat.

You're unnatractive.

You really thought he would stay with you? did you already imagine the real-life play-pretend with him? White dress? Picket white fence? Familiy?

You stupid little girl.

He doesn;t want you, he never wanted you, he won't ever want you.

"SHUT UP!!!" she cried out in frustration, tears rolling down her face as her demons started to prey on her like on a Goya painting "Shut up! shut up! shut up!" she shook violently.

"Are you talking to me now?" a familiar voice and the sound of discarded red helmet echoed in her head "Damn Y/N! If there's anything you learned during those years it's definitely developing a good hearing-- Baby?" Jason became alarmed the second he took in her state. "Baby? Y/N? What happened? WHO HURT YOU?!"

It was impossible for Jason to keep his cool when he saw her crying. The first thought popping into his head being someone did something to her. Someone caused this. And the fact that it was 5 a.m. and most people were sleeping and that there was no one but them in their apartment slipped his mind, clouded by the incoming wave of rage

"Give me the name baby.' he took a few step forwards, kneeling on the floor next to bed and cupping her chin forcing her eyes on him "tell me who did this to you."

"You did!" she sobbed

"I--" holy fuck! In his blinding fury and the sudden need for revenge he didn't realise she could be sheding those crocodlie tears because of him.

"Why are you leaving me?" she sobbed

"Why am I --?" Y/N was not making any sense right now "I'm not--"

"Liar!" the girl yelled with surprising strength given her fragile state "You think she's hot, don't you?"

"Who?"

"Your ex!"

"My ex? Y/N, princess, why don't you calm down and--"

"I AM COMPLETLY CALM!" now Jason was almost sure that the neighbours were already up, ready to impale them both on pitchforks and uncovering his secret identity.

"Ok, ok, baby..." he raised his hands in surrender, observing her every move and slightest change in face expression.

This was new. This was something he wasn;t entirely sure of how to proceed with. Out of all the opponents he had to fight never in his mind would he thought that his girlfiriend would be the most challenging.

Was this an attack of hysteria? A panic attack? An anxiety fit?

Jason was way too familiar with all that.

What if it was him? What would she do if he woke up in the middle of the night, jittery for no particular reason? What could possibly be helpful?

And then it dawned on him.

And it all happened at once.

Bed dipping, his weight on her, his hands on her body, his breath on her face and the all-encompasing smell of blood, gunpowder and cigatettes.

Soft caress of her hair.

Gentle peck on her nose.

Developing too fast to give her any time to object, not that she wanted to.

"I got you." he whispered pulling her closer to his chest, not caring about the bruise that was already forming on his right side and that cut on his forearm. She was more important now. "I got you, baby, I got you..." he kissd her forehead warming and calming her by the mass of muscles and bythe rapid but steady beating of his heart.

she was still shaking but the firm yet gentle grip on her refused to let go untill it all subsided. Steading her, anchoring her in reality. Helping her realise that whatever her traitorous mind suggested had nothing to do with actuallity. Even if it took days, weeks, years, Jason was not going to move, keeping her pinned to his chest until being full certain she was back to him, having her full attention.

"Do you think I'm ugly....?" she muttered causing him to laugh, the movement of his body causing vibrations.

"I think you should get some proper rest. Otherwise the next thing you're going to ask me is going to be that "if i was a worm..." question."

"Bbut if I was a worm would you--?"

"Hush, woman!" he cut her off with the cheesiest smile "I had a rough night and need to sleep. Which means you are stuck with me for as long as I please."

"are you--?"

"I said, hush woman." he tightened the hold on her, preventing her from squirming and moving too far. "you're my body pillow now, accept your fate."

"are you hurt?" she whispered

"I'm perfect." he whispered back, closing his eyes and drifting off to sleep.

Making all the hateful voices in her head shut up. Bringing in the silence and peace.

But the talk he was going to give her in the morning would be a capital letter one.

Ugly.

Huh. She had no idea what measures he was going to resort to proving her wrong...

[stabbyfoxandrew]

hi! can I have some angel Neil this week?

—💖💖

WIP Wednesday (9/18) | Guardian Angel Neil AU (Part 236)

"No. I was just making sure," Andrew says, aiming for nonchalance. Neil doesn't look particularly convinced and now Andrew worries he's accidentally granted himself an angelic audience for tomorrow's session. Damn. Andrew licks his lips. Time to lie. "I am going to talk to her about the nightmare I had the other night. I wanted to be sure you wouldn't listen."

Neil's eyes widen minutely, then he nods. "Good. You should talk to her about it," he says, taking Andrew by surprise.

"I thought you didn't believe in therapy."

"I don't. But you do. And I could feel how much that dream affected you, Andrew. It feel like you needed me, it felt like I needed to wake you. But then you woke yourself up and came up here and tore your brother a new one." Neil says, making Andrew cringe internally. He really hadn't meant to go berserk that morning, but Aaron's a fucking idiot. (And no matter what Neil says, they're twins. They're the same.)

Neil moves to sit back up and stretches his arms over his head. "All I'm saying is it must've been bad."

"It was."

"So, if you can't talk to me about it you should talk to her. Maybe she's got the magic cure for recurring dreams."

"Recurring." Andrew repeats. 

“Isn’t it? I’ve felt you have nightmares before.” Neil says. Andrew isn’t sure. He's never thought about it much. He's never tried to label the horrible things his brain makes him relive when he goes night-night. But he supposes Neil could be right. Is it recurring when the places and faces and sheets are sometimes different? Does he actually need to talk to Bee about this? (Probably.)

"I used to have a recurring nightmare when I was a little kid. It was about a clown," Neil offers randomly.

"What?"

"Yeah. It would come into my bedroom and just stand there in the doorway, staring at me with a bloody knife in its hand. Sometimes it would laugh, but usually it was deathly quiet," Neil says, trying to suppress a shudder. He fails and shivers so violently Andrew can feel it. A moment later, Neil makes a face as if something's occurred to him. "Come to think of it that might've just been my father playing a prank on me."

The easy way Neil says it has Andrew choking on a badly-timed laugh. He coughs at Neil's look. "How fucked up of him."

"Oh yeah, he was real fun like that. It's not the worst thing he ever did though," Neil says with a shrug. Andrew looks at Neil for a moment, then glances down to where the hem of his jeans has rolled up, revealing a thick scar around Neil's ankle. It matches the ones Andrew's seen on his wrists. He very nearly asks about it, but forces the question off his tongue because he swore he'd never ask.

Instead he sighs and accidentally lets, "Honk honk," slip past his filter.

Neil gives him a quizzical look. "What was that? Are you a goose now?"

"No. Don't clowns honk?"

"I... My father didn't."

"Never mind then."  Andrew says, looking to the side. They're quiet for a moment, then Neil is sputtering laughter. 

"Honk honk." He says, devolving into a fit of giggles. Andrew can only watch, awe-struck and mesmerized at the sound. When Neil covers his face with his hand and starts to settle down, Andrew says it again and laughs with him until he can't breathe.

[blueberrypancakesworld]

Found back together through love

John Allerdyce x mutant!reader

warning : fluff, comfort, kissing, mention of killing and other violent things that happen in battle, no use of y/n, reader is female

Summary : Together they had disbanded and should have emerged together in the void instead separated from each other for an unknowable amount of time not seeing each other two mutants find themselves reunited in a final battle through love and a lot of dead people.

info : Thank you thank you for THIS incredibly sweet idea from @thefandomqueen2882 that I was allowed / able to realize your idea I wish you a lot of fun and see you next time

ps : The gif of him just so pretty like fuck me

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Together they could have had it all in the end according to John back when they met, when he had proclaimed the brotherhood of mutants together with Magneto and hundreds if not thousands of oppressed mutants followed him, she was there too.

A young mutant his age, a runaway like him, a mutant who wanted the same thing, to feel bigger and stronger in a society that had failed her.

A similar goal that Magneto and the Brotherhood would also be heading for and so she had joined not only because of that but also because it was John who had followed her, she remembered, out into the night she was about to disappear into a portal when his flame lay between them, warming and illuminating them both, ,,That's a hell of a gift, a beautiful portal,” was the first thing he had said to her when they had faced each other like that.

It was the first of many praises and flatteries but most of all recognition of her powers even Magneto took care of her….but all this seemed so long ago so long ago since she had seen other people, seen a real city hell she would love to see the X-Men again knowing they were friendlier than anything here.

Her hand lay on her stomach as it always did when she was thinking, her thoughts circling back and forth to that moment, a moment when she hadn't reacted fast enough I wish I'd gone faster just once she thought, looking out of the small makeshift window at the forest, the moment like a nightmare, like a shadow always with her.

The years after the final battle they had both been rescued by the X-Men to avoid being destroyed by Jean had even stayed at the school for a week but everyone knew that the firebender and the portal creator weren't cut out for this and in a brief but heartfelt goodbye they had disappeared through one of their portals.

John had taken her hand, ,,Our own grand adventure starts now,” he said and she saw the joy in his eyes as they reappeared in an as yet uncharted town and went to explore, he gave her a kiss on the cheek for her strength and life was actually really nice.

They explored cities, got around, helped mutants in need, of course John would never admit that and they just happened to be there, even saving people once, the tragedy of Jean and the destruction could not happen again, they both agreed.

Until decades later, almost twenty years later, they apparently rescued the “wrong” man from a car that had crashed and they used a portal to lift him up while John took care of the flames, or so they thought.

They had appeared so quickly that they had hardly realized that they weren't humans or mutants, ,,Step back from this person!” a man in uniform demanded, pointing at the vehicle that was still threatening to fall down, of course they were both too sure of themselves, they had been through a lot and they certainly weren't going to retreat now.

A mistake.

The biggest mistake of their lives when they both fought back, when they wanted to stand up for something and John threw the first flames at the unknown while she moved him around with her portals.

But she hadn't seen one of them, it had been enough for one of them to sneak up on her and she had been too late to put the stick down, but before she was the first to disintegrate she saw John in front of her.

The look of acceptance as he put his hand to her cheek and he dissolved before her eyes before she could even react, the staff pierced through John into her stomach and she disappeared too, however many years ago she was now here in the void, ,,Don't worry about it again we'll find him” she heard once more the encouraging words of Elektra who put a hand on her shoulder.

Since she had landed hard on a rooted forest floor an unknown time ago, after a few days of walking around, she had come across the house and especially these four friends, friends who were now like a family to her, somehow surviving in this hell day by day.

,,Yes, that would be nice,” she replied weakly and moved away from the seat by the window to help herself to the alcohol, or rather she was about to when Laura came into the house with two new unconscious men covered in blood.

Two men who not only had a mission, but two crazy mutants who would live forever, killing each other. ,,I think they can help us…Logan at least,” the dark-haired woman said, looking at a version of Logan that wasn't hers, yet she seemed to feel a certain connection.

In fact, after waking up, destroying bottles of alcohol and making fun of Gambit's accent, the group came to a decision. They had already lost too much to have anything else to lose.

Which is why only a day later, with a hope in their hearts, a hope and above all a determination in them as they sat squeezed together in the Honda Odyssey on the way to the nefarious Cassandra, the one place she had never been, at least from the known places she knew.

He had given it to her when they had spent their first night together, ,,Think of it as a kind of wedding ring,” he had said jokingly at the time, giving her the lighter with a kiss, but now she would like to be in this moment again, maybe when she died, maybe she would see him again.

With these thoughts and hopes, they broke through the front gate and found themselves inside Deadpool shouted an announcement before he and Logan chased after the bald woman while the family stayed behind, never so sure of one thing as Laura stabbed first and all hell broke loose.

Laura's claws dug into the bodies of the mutants, Elektra's sai's skin ripped open, Gambit made an explosion of humans into humans and Blade had as much fun as she had in the time before nothing and in the chaos she too was a bright portal after others opened and closed body parts cutting her off and heads lying on the ground until she saw fire.

Fire could have just been the elemnt burning itself out untamed but when she saw the flame arcing around corners trying to set Elektra on fire her eyes searched in panic for the cause.

It could only be one, only him…was it possible? She used her portal to deflect the fireball, always failing to spot the person until someone lunged at her, this time she reacted quickly enough before she could hit the ground, creating a portal beneath her and disappearing into it.

She felt her hands around her neck and her angry panicked gaze met blue brown eyes that suddenly seemed to pause, the man who was on top of her the dark dirty outfit fuzzy hair and yet she would always recognize him, ,,John…it's you…you're alive” she said and her hand came off his wrist and lay shakily against his cheek.

She saw how the brown-haired man took a moment to write the fight down when he suddenly took his hands hastily from her neck and clasped her hand before she felt lips on hers, stormy and demanding, but his equally shaky hands that didn't seem to let go of hers told her that he was close to tears too.

Getting off her he sat beside her, ,,You've been here all this time I-I thought I'd lost you” he admitted his lips kissing her hand which he finally managed to hold again as he pulled her close her shaky tearful breath left her as she just let him hold her, feeling his warmth again.

,,I'm here John I'm sorry I would have hurt faster then I-” but he interrupted her shaking his head and brushing her tears away with his fingers ,,You gave it your all I mean we escaped fucking Cassandra you did great my love trust me nothing will happen to us now" he assured her stroking her cheek pulling her slowly onto his lap as he held her enjoying his warmth and now seeing for the first time they were back on wooded ground.

But this relief was nothing compared to knowing John was alive with her, ,,I love you,” she almost heard the three words from him as she closed her eyes just as she felt his lips on hers again, ,,I love you even more my flame,” she returned his words and snuggled up to him again as John held her safe and the two mutants could lie in each other's arms again.

Now that their hopes were raised they were together again they would never be separated again and who knows maybe one day they could find a way out of this and pick up where they left off together in love.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

@psychoblaster

[contentloadingandstuff]

Fluff Headcanons - Spooky gaming with the genshin characters!

A/N: The fluff version of the Halloween special, and a bit of a new format. I hope you enjoy!

C/W: Modern AU, swearing, game-typical violence.

Alhaitham

This year, Alhaitham wanted something less conventional. Something that would really engage his mind with interesting commentary about society and the world at large, but still retain some of that spooky vibe. 

Cruelty Squad easily caught his attention with its assaulting graphics and interesting premise. It clearly begged for attention, and he was willing to humor it. 

It was precisely what he was looking for, and what an answer it was. Alhaitham had no trouble adjusting to a more corporate mindset.

Alhaitham: The super AI emerges from an extremely pornographic ultra hyper suck and fuck…

Kaveh: Um… What? What are you talking about?

Alhaitham: You don't understand, Kaveh. Everything that surrounds us? It's Gorbino's Quest. The Gorbino's Quest... of life.

Ganyu

The poor little cinnamon roll isn't that much of a horror fan. Violence and death generally unsettles her, but Ganyu still wants to feel some of that holiday spirit. 

After a lengthy deliberation, Ganyu chose Little Nightmares. The graphics are quite pleasing to the eye, it is horror, but not so horrible and violent. At least that's what she heard.

Ganyu: Oh, look! It's a Nome, right? And it's offering me food… How nice of it! Um… Oh n-no! Why would you d-do that?!

Amber

The great outdoors with a horror theme? Count her in!

Amber made sure to avoid spoilers to have the full, unprecedented The Forest experience. The landscape is so serene and peaceful… The freedom of movement, the sounds of nature and the survival elements are so fun and relaxing!

True, there are some hostile people on the island, but they seem harmless enough.

Until the night falls…

Amber: Wait… What's that? That doesn't look human… Did it just birth out… Ew… Yikes! It's coming at me! 

Suffice to say, Amber stuck around until more or less the moment when you have to chop up bodies and make effigies out of the parts.

Beidou

Alcohol, hard rock and murdering demons with big guns is how Beidou plays on Halloween, so she'll gladly hop on Doom Eternal.

There's nothing better than impaling a snake demon's head with its own broken arm, right as the beat drops. 

Beidou: Life has enough undefeatable horrors. Let's just have some fun tonight!

Ningguang

The old ones are the good ones! Ningguang doesn't play a lot of video games, but she did like a few titles back in her younger days. 

On this special occasion, Ningguang got a box of her old possessions to dig through, and found the original Dungeon Keeper on CD. 

Everything is just as she remembered it was. 

Ningguang: Oh, these imps… They are the perfect workers, aren't they? They don't eat, sleep, need vacation, have a social life, and they work harder when you slap them. Ah, if only I had them as my subordinates…

Keqing: *narrows eyes*

Kokomi

Another fan of the retro side of games, Kokomi enjoys a good tactical challenge - developing the ability to conjure small scale plans is as important as improving the grand ones.

Her pick is Myth II: Soulblighter. It’s a brutal, unforgiving RTS with a distinctively dark atmosphere - just perfect for the season at hand.

Even when Halloween comes to a close, Kokomi will find it hard to drop the game. The insanity that is Legendary is quite addictive indeed…

Kokomi: You here… You here… And now the crescendo!

Game: “Move here move there…”

Game: “Catch!”

Game: *explosion*

Game: “Casualty.”

Kokomi: Oh. Change of plans, I guess…

Yae Miko

Upon hearing of the wonderful possibilities for tormenting the other party, Miko didn't hesitate to bring out the Mora for Dead By Daylight and all of its DLC. 

Though it was quite fun at first, the ugly nature of the game soon surfaced. As none of her friends were brave enough to delve into this swamp, she was forced to join up with random people, who frequently threw the games. 

Such a combination was enough to make even such an ancient and wise kitsune lose her absolute cool.

Ei: Why are you crouching behind that tree, Miko?

Miko: The killer has caught one of my teammates, and I will release them by ambushing them with a flashlight! 

Miko: Come on… Now! You didn't expect that, did y- What?? Lightborn?! Again?! Who even plays it nowadays?! Oh, you daft, blind motherf-

Ei: Miko!

Miko: Oh… Hm. Sorry. I got a little carried away. But that's sooo unfair, isn't it? Why would they add a perk that cancels a whole mechanic? I can't believeitthegameissokillersided…

Xiangling

Xiangling absolutely didn't look forward to Halloween, especially with Hu Tao around. She just can't take horror, at all, of any kind, ever. Especially jumpscares.

She still couldn't believe that she agreed to play a horror game, let alone one suggested by the director. The one and only Five Nights At Freddy's at that.

Much to Hu Tao's amusement, she didn't even make it past Night 1. Xiangling was thoroughly spooked, and after being jumpscared once she completely refused to keep playing. 

Seeing Xiangling so terrified made Guoba very upset, and Hu Tao quickly apologized to avoid being roasted by the angry god. 

Hu Tao: So he killed the kids, but then! Their souls escaped their robot prisons and made an old spring lock suit crush him to death! WoOoo~

Xiangling: Ah! Hu Tao! No more! 

Guoba: Nane na! Grr…

Hu Tao: Oh, don't fret little Guoba! I'm just joking!

Zhongli

Morax always had trouble catching up with the latest cultural and technological trends of the humans. Sure, he can use a computer more than well enough, but he finds third and first person video games confusing. The gameplay is most often too fast and rapidly changing for him to be up to speed with it, let alone enjoy it. 

Throughout all of his exponentially long life, nobody was as persistent in including him in the festivities as Hu Tao. She tried to convince Zhongli to play something horror-related, but he was assertive. So, the director decided to find a game that would suit his liking - an indie title. 

Her pick fell on Water Womb World - it's simple mechanically, is quite disturbing and has an interesting concept. 

Much to her surprise, Zhongli thoroughly enjoyed his fifteen minutes with the game, even if he didn't find it very scary.

Zhongli: Ah, I agree with the message of this title. The blind belief in deities can lead to fanaticism, which breeds regress rather than progress. I do think that a more healthy and critical approach to Rex Lapis' rule would be beneficial to our current day society. Especially that the age of gods draws to an end…

Hu Tao: Aiya! Do you have to turn everything into a lecture, Zhongli? You're not my grandpa, are you?

Hu Tao

An avid enjoyer of the spookfest, Hu Tao decided to pick something hitting closer to home this year - Mortuary Assistant.

The gameplay loop feels great! Just like in her line of work, just without the smell. She's having the time of her life preparing the corpse for burial. And hunting the demon. That's also quite cool!

Hu Tao: *hums while wheeling the corpse into the crematory* 

Game: "Are you sure?"

Hu Tao: Yup! I know your tricks more than well. Aiyaya, you could try something more interesting next round! Furnace time~

Game: *sounds of fire and demonic screaming*

Hu Tao: Toodle-oo~

Bennet, Noelle, Fischl, Razor

A few weeks before Halloween, Bennett mentioned a game night, since he couldn't be there in person. Noelle, diligent as ever, picked this up as a cue to start looking for something. 

Luckily for her, Phasmophobia was on a large and affordable discount, so after proposing the idea and organizing a money pool, they all got to proving the existence of ghosts.

Lisa lent Razor her personal computer for the night, on condition that she could take a little peek every now and then at their session without interrupting - and what an amusement it was, as none of them are especially acquainted with horror.

Noelle: "The ghost responds only to people who are alone." Somebody has to go in to talk to it… 

Razor: Razor won't go! Ghost scary!

Bennett: I would go, but with my luck, the ghost will eat me right away…

Fischl: Hmph! Although yes, I, Fischl, The Prinzessin Der Verurteilung and the founder of The Immernatchreich possess the courage to face demons and spawns of darkness alike, I…

Everyone: So you'll go then?

Amy: Um… N-no! You m-misunderstood!

Furina

The Great-And-Grand Archon of Fontaine played and saw every horror game and movie, and never once got scared. Or that's what she claims, at least.

That's why Focalors decided to prove her excellence with a true, dark challenge she could easily overcome, thus proving her gaming capabilities for all to see!

In hindsight, Darkest Dungeon wasn't the best of choices she could have made… It did amuse Monsieur Neuvilette, however. 

Neuvillette: I think you should retreat. Your heroes are close to dying. 

Furina: I appreciate your advice, my dear Iudex, but your worries are misplaced! My Crusader will deal a critical hit, thus ending the pig-man's miserable opposition, and granting us treasure galore! Watch and marvel at my skill!

Game: "A singular strike!"

Furina: Ahaha, see? I told you it would be fine~ Wait… It's not dead yet…?

Game: "Mortality - clarified in a single strike!"

Furina: Um…

Game: "There can be no hope in this hell, no hope at all…"

Game: "And now the true test - hold fast, or expire."

Game: "Those who cover injury find it in no short supply."

Game: "As life ebbs, terrible vistas of emptiness reveal themselves."

Furina: Ret- T-tactical withdrawal! 

Game: "Cornered, trapped, forced to fight on!"

Game: "This is no place for the weak, or the foolhardy."

Game: "More blood soaks the soil, feeding the evil therein."

Game: "Perched at the very precipice of oblivion."

Game: "More dust, more ashes, more disappointment."

Game: "Another life wasted in the pursuit of glory and gold."

Game: "Wounds to be tended. Lessons to be learned."

Neuvillette: Lady Furina, if only you had-

Furina: Silence.

Shenhe

Shenhe never gets scared. The most terrible of monsters or existential terrors are no match for her training and resolve, no matter how unexpected they might be. She might not get scared, but she can get startled, right?

Who else would pose that question but Hu Tao, the mistress of horrors herself? It was always her objective to get some sort of reaction out of the adepti disciple, no matter how insignificant and small it might be. Many things were attempted - scary movies, troubling situations, body horror, cosmic horror, existential horror… But none of them ever worked. Shenhe remained stalwart.

Out of desperation, Hu Tao was forced to reach for the ultimate weapon. The bane of those unprepared. The myth. The legend. The game.

The Scary Maze Game. 

After plugging in an old spare monitor, she invited Shenhe to “test her precision”, and stepped a few safe meters back. 

The monitor ended up skewered with her polearm, but Shenhe did yelp - much to her delight. 

Not all was fun and games though, as Hu Tao got the mother of all lectures from Cloud Retainer. Something about Shenhe’s red ropes breaking, but the director didn’t pay much attention, and just nodded along.

Hu Tao: Heya, Shenhe… You don’t mind the little scare I gave you back on Halloween night, do you…?

Shenhe: Oh? Well, as much as I was upset during the moment, I must admit it was quite… cathartic. I never experienced anything like that. I do not hold any grudge towards you. Actually… Thank you for that, director Hu Tao.

Hu Tao: Phew! And I was here thinking I’ll share the fate of that display!

🎃Happy Halloween!🎃

[lady-october]

Pairing : Oli Sykes x Female Assistant Genre : Romance, Smut (18+ Only) Previous Chapters : Available on Ao3

Story Content : Smut, Drama, Choking, Power dynamics, Romance, Rough sex, Sadism/Masochism, Dom/Sub, Mentions of addiction & self harm, Degradation, Praise kink, Exhibitionism, Orgasm denial, Breath play, Dirty talk.

Summary :

“Don’t you see what a dangerous game you’re playing? Why did you have to look so fucking delicious tonight, I couldn’t stop undressing you in my mind, thinking of all the twisted things I want to do to you.” She had only worked on the touring team for three weeks, but her mind had been hijacked by dirty thoughts of a man she barely even talked to. Sure, he was very attractive, but were there other reasons she was so uncontrollably drawn to him? This is a filthy story of pain, self discovery, and love.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Chapter 21: Did my back hurt your knife?

Chapter title is lyrics from "R.i.p"

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Her smile

Filled with sharp teeth, ready to bite

Nails digging into my scalp, pushing me down

Keeping me beneath the surface as I gasp, as I drown

The last of my breath leaving my lungs

Dancing and weaving through the water above

The surface; it twists and it bends

Warping the monster that fucks with my head

I thrash and I fight, but it’s never enough; I am but a pawn in her story

My monarch, my goddess, my puppet master in all of her glory

Should I let her win, should I simply give in – let the peace of death consume me?

Hair red as flame, eyes black as tar

In hell, we shall meet again my dear friend

I awoke with a gasp, momentarily confused.

It didn’t take long for my mind to catch up with reality; for me to realise it had only been another nightmare. My heart on the other hand still hadn’t gotten the messaging – thumping with the heavy beat of fear, of survival.

Letting out a long breath, I relaxed back into my pillow.

Same old, same old.

Tensing, my brows furrowed.

Actually, no, not same old; this particular dream had been about Fay – someone I hadn’t dreamt about since I met Alice. In fact, the nightmares about Fay had come to a screeching halt the very same day Alice joined the tour. For about a week after, my dreams had been quite palatable – pleasant even. All about Alice, of course, but it didn’t take long until they descended back into madness; until Alice was haunting me – hunting me – every night, coming up with new and exciting ways to impale, shred, or incinerate me.

Looking over at the beautiful woman beside me I felt quite sad she was no longer in my arms. At some point she must have rolled over in her sleep, rolled away from me.

I sighed.

No, my mind had never been kind to me, and it was hard to tell if it was crueller at night or during the waking hours. Because while the nightmares were gruesome and violent, at least they didn’t play tricks on me – feed my insecurities, or expect me to stay sober while my thoughts eat me alive.

Or expect me to not act on all my impulses. 

Like punching Mat square in his fucking face for putting his lips on my Alice.

Yet, I would never actually do that, knowing full well it’s my own fault they’re dating.

Reaching over to the bedside table, I grabbed my phone; it was only around midnight, meaning I couldn't have slept for very long after we drifted off – after telling Alice about mine and Mat’s history, and about me and Fay. Which would explain her sudden and unwelcome appearance in my dreams.

My mind began racing, feeling torn. I wanted to wrap my arms around Alice and simply enjoy her company for the remainder of the night, but I was all too aware of the fact that Mat would still be awake at this hour – knowing I really do need to talk to him.

Before I knew it my legs were moving, pushing themselves into some sweatpants. 

After slipping a random shirt over my head I was out the door, staring at the polished brass numbers on Mat’s door, feeling suddenly nervous. 15 they read – a completely arbitrary number, but I could see my eyes in the reflection of them, staring back at me, causing disgust to build in my chest; disgust over the reasons I needed to talk to Mat at all; disgust over proudly flaunting that I’d fucked the girl first this time.

But mainly I felt disgust over how poorly I was handling my emotions, particularly in regards to how jealous I was – how selfish I was – when it came to Alice. 

Yes, I know she’s not mine, still I can’t seem to help myself – can’t seem to stop acting like some feral animal, pissing all over their territory.

Shaking myself mentally, I let my fist connect with the rich wood of the door.

It didn’t take long before it swung open with a robed Mat appearing behind it, the scent of alcohol thick in the air.

He squinted at me, clearly confused. Or maybe even unhappy to see me.

“Can I come in?”

Wordlessly, he stepped to the side, gesturing for me to join him in the dimly lit room.

Shutting the door, he stalked over and sat down on the floor next to the bed, leaning against the mattress in order to stare out into the night through the floor to ceiling windows in front of him. 

He also had a view of the lake, his room only a couple of doors over from mine.

I decided to join him on the floor, noticing the half empty whiskey bottle next to him along with a couple of snack containers.

To my surprise he spoke as soon as I’d gotten comfortable, before I had a chance to.

“I should’ve been more apprehensive about asking her out, or even cancelled earlier today as soon as you told me you were going out with her. But the truth is I think I got a crush on her a while back, and now I hate how much I want to spend more time with her.”

A heavy feeling settled in me, weighing me down. Faint whispers of self hatred brushing against my ear, trying to convince me everyone’s better off without me.

His gaze flickered to mine, “Don’t worry, I won’t. Not now, not after you’ve slept with her.”

I felt myself start to chuckle at his statement, “Since when has that stopped you?”

“You know when.” He muttered, before taking a swig off of the bottle that was now in his hand.

“Since Fay.” I said, feeling my pulse speed up as I pried open the box we’d thoroughly nailed and welded shut a long time ago.

Surprised eyes shot back to me, “Yeah, since… Fay.” He frowned, watching me closely to see what I would do after uttering the previously forbidden word in front of me for the first time in almost a year, “I’m happy you’re not reacting like last time I said her name, would get expensive in an establishment like this.”

I laughed, feeling both amusement and shame over having smashed one of his windows while I was recovering at his place – as well as his TV. Thankfully Mat just smiled at me, obviously feeling some type of relief over the fact that I was ready to say her name again. That – while slow – I was actually healing.

Well… in some ways anyway.

Mat's smile quickly turned sour, his thoughts returning to the current situation, “I can’t do it again Oli, she’s all yours. I’m just gonna stay away, lick my wounds and move on.”

I watched him take another swig, clearly upset, and I caught myself wondering if I only wanted him to pursue Alice for my sake, for my peace of mind – to test Alice, see what she would do.

To see if she’d fail me, just like Fay did.

“Hate to say it but has that ever worked for us, the staying away bit?”

I truly am scum.

“Not like there’s other options.” He mumbled distantly, his eyes remaining on the view.

“We can let her pick.”

I felt like the daftest person alive for continuing this. I could simply tell him now how much I feel for Alice, how tangled up my emotions and thoughts are about her – that yes, he should stay away so I can continue working on Alice’s commitment issues and hopefully come out on top.

He scoffed, “Yeah cause that went so great with Fay– also hasn’t Alice already picked, let me guess; she’s in your room right now, no?”

“Alice isn’t Fay.” I said, realising I meant it – realising that I actually did have some faith in Alice, that maybe I was building some trust in her after all, “Besides, she likes you.”

That was unnecessary.

One of his eyebrows raised, “She told you that?”

“Not in so many words, but yeah.”

He huffed out a breath, “She’s an odd one.”

“No arguments there.”

He leaned further into the mattress behind him, “So, to summarize, we’re already fucked; it’s already morphed into yet another love triangle?”

I swallowed, “Seems that way.”

“Record speed that.” Shaking his head, he eyed me up, “Will you be alright?”

“Yeah I’ll be fine.” Somewhere along the way the lies came easier.

It crossed my mind that this was eerily similar to how my last two relapses began; with the small untruths growing larger, snowballing into massive, monstrous lies.

I should be worried, I should want to break the pattern before I spiral further.

But instead I found comfort in it, wanting to spiral out of control, knowing where that leads.

Knowing the relief it will bring.

More self loathing filled me like foul sludge, settling in my gut as I felt a sense of acceptance wash over me; this is who I am as a person, and I can never escape it.

So why even bother fighting it?

“Can I have some of that?” I heard myself say as I reached for Mat’s bottle, taking it out of his hand to down several large gulps, attempting to ward off my intrusive thoughts.

Mat was frowning at me as I drank, coming to his own conclusions about what was going through my head, “You caught some feelings for the bird too then?”

You can say that.

“Yeah.” I breathed as the amber liquid warmed my throat.

The laugh that came from Mat was borderline hysteric, “We go on one bloody date with her, and here we are – right back to square one… Absolutely fucking ridiculous.” He took the bottle back off of me in order to also down a questionable amount – and suddenly the bottle was done for. 

Sure, it was one date, but we’d both been around her for a month now, watching her, wanting her, being enthralled by whatever spell she’d put on us.

At least I’d had the privilege of fucking her brains out the past week.

After Mat tossed the empty bottle to the side, we sat in silence for a long moment.

He’s got a crush on her.

My heart was tearing in half, sharp talons of fear scraping all along my back.

She’s interested in him, attracted to him.

Yet numbness was wrapping around me like a warm and cosy blanket on a cold winter's night.

I was also confused, not quite sure how my intentions had turned so selfish, so manipulative.

I fucking hate myself.

“You’ve been acting differently lately, and I can’t tell if that’s good or bad, but bring me back into the loop when you can, yeah?”

His words startled me, coming out of nowhere in our deep silence.

“This tour’s just a bit longer than usual, I’m knackered.” 

More lies.

Pushing myself back to my feet, some of the numbness momentarily released, letting guilt and worry crawl back under my skin.

“Will you be alright?” I asked the sprawled, defeated looking man on the floor in front of me.

The smile he gave me wasn’t convincing, “Yeah of course, I always bounce back.”

I sucked on my teeth, wanting to scream – wanting so badly to do better than this, but not knowing how right now.

Not while I was falling apart myself.

“Alright. See you tomorrow then.” Is all I said, like the fucking prick I am, before I stalked off.

“Turn off the light, will you?”

“Sure.” I flicked the lightswitch next to the exit.

“Ta, mate.”

The moment the door latched shut behind me, my hands started to shake from the bone deep disappointment I felt in myself.

I looked towards my room, where my dear, sweet Alice was sleeping, willing my feet to move in its direction. I wanted so badly to just disappear in her comfort, but I couldn’t do it, couldn’t allow myself that peace, that joy.

Instead I walked the opposite direction, through the fire exit, ascending the steps to the rooftop that I had so lovingly planned out for us. Laying down, I covered myself in several blankets, the night's chill having crept in during the several hours we haven’t been here. My eyes quickly settled on the smiley in the sky that Alice had pointed out right before our date derailed, and I wanted to cry, to mourn the hopes and dreams I had for us.

It was as if we were destined to fail, the universe working against us at every turn, like I couldn’t seem to make a single good decision when it came to her.

Or maybe we were just too broken, like chipped teacups; our sharp edges cutting each other as we drank.

Whatever the reason for everything turning to shit, I couldn’t stand it.

Images from my dream began to flicker in my mind's eye, of Fay’s face hovering over mine as she tried to drown me, which led me to do something I hadn’t allowed myself to do in a very long time.

Fishing the phone out of my pocket, I started scrolling down my list of messages. I scrolled and I scrolled, for quite some time, as the chat I was searching for had been pushed far down the list by now, until the name of the devil herself appeared on my screen.

I paused, knowing how hard it had been for me to stop reading our chat log several times a day, not wanting to fall back into old habits.

I’m already knee deep in old habits, I might as well dive right in.

As soon as I opened the chat my emotions from months ago came bubbling up. They weren’t sharp and all-consuming like they were back then, but I still felt a duller version of them, the cousin of their pure form.

Most of them were negative, but somewhere in there I could defect positive emotions as well. Not love by any means, but some part of me still cared about her, still didn’t want her dead, and still – for some unknown reason – wished things could have turned out differently for us.

“Fay: Please pick up”

“Fay: I’ve never loved anyone like I love you”

“Fay: I’m so fucking sorry please”

“Fay: Please answer”

There were so many messages like this – 43 to be exact, pleading, begging me to hear her out, to forgive her. I would stare at them, feeling the full range of emotions they elicited – be pushed to get high from them – but I never responded.

The messages kept coming for months, and when I thought they’d finally stopped, another one came through, breaking my heart all over again.

“Fay: How am I supposed to live my life without my best friend?”

And then the final one, a week later, which is where they came to an end.

“Fay: I will always love you with my entire being, and I will always be just a phone call away, so never hesitate to reach out. Remember that soulmates are eternal.”

The last sentence still felt like shackles around my ankles, despite having given up on the concept of soulmates by now. I almost bled out from the wounds she left me with, and now my heart is made entirely of scar tissue.

For the millionth time I considered deleting the chat history, to finally rid myself of this catalogued museum of pain, but as I stared at the delete button the unthinkable happened.

“Ah, fuck.” I muttered as the phone connected with my face, having dropped it right on my nose while using it laying down. Fumbling to get a proper hold on it, I was struck with the sensation of falling backwards as I looked at the screen.

“Oli: Hi”

My heartbeat was pounding in my ears as realisation settled in.

Somewhere between dropping it and getting it back into my hands I must have accidentally pressed one of the auto response options.

I bolted upright into a sitting position.

“Fuck!”

My loud outburst caused a flock of birds to flee a nearby tree.

Instantly I began trying to unsend the message, hoping it would let me, but my phone started buzzing as I clutched it.

‘Incoming call: Fay’ It read

Instinctively I swiped it away, hating myself for never having been able to block her, but she was already typing.

“Fay: Oli, hi dear”

“Fay: I saw you in Vegas, you were incredible but you always are”

It was hard to wrap my head around the fact that she was still going to my shows – and why was she talking to me like we’re friends, like she never destroyed me?

She’s still obsessed with me.

I should be repulsed, I should feel unease at the fact that my ex was essentially still stalking me. Yet, for some inexplicable reason the thought brought me joy, made me feel special.

What the fuck is wrong with me?

I heard the sound of the door opening behind me, and in my panicked state I shoved the phone under one of the pillows, hoping my shameful thoughts would be shoved away with it.

“Can I join you?”

Craning my neck, I saw Alice standing by the door, looking dishevelled and sleepy, rubbing her arms to stay warm.

My heart melted at the sight of her, easing me away from the mountain of unresolved issues hiding under the plush pillow next to me.

“Of course.” I responded under my breath, hoping I could force my pulse to settle before she nestled into me – hoping she wouldn’t notice the fucked up state I’m in.

The warmth of her against my body felt beyond incredible, reminding me further of what a piece of shit I am.

“Are you okay?” She whispered.

For a split second I considered being honest, not wanting to break the emotional and mental bond we’ve managed to establish so far. Wanting desperately to be open and honest with her around every corner, around every bend.

“Yeah, just another nightmare. Thought I’d come up here and enjoy the night some more.”

I felt myself being pulled further into the void, down the spiral that leads to all the wrong places and dead ends.

After a beat she asked a question she’d asked me before, one I wished I could have answered the first time, but we’d been interrupted.

“Want to tell me about them?”

She wanted to know more about the tender parts of me, to gently touch on my sore spots. I should be overjoyed, knowing that’s the path to the type of relationship I want with her, yet I couldn’t bring myself to go there right now.

“Can we talk about it another time? I just want to rest if that’s alright.”

The already deep disappointment I harboured within myself dug its nails in deeper still.

“Yeah, that’s fine.” 

She sounded so worried, clearly sensing my disconnect.

But there was nothing I could do tonight besides hold her close, and hope the comfort I was stealing from her would help me see tomorrow with more clarity.

... Subscribe to the story on Ao3 for future updates

[irkimatsu]

Heheheheheh

Trauma request!!!

Trigger warning mention of “fake guns”, chasing, child abuse, mentions of self harm

So, remember that before the song “loser, baby” husk casually dropped lore? “I was an overlord once you know”

So, imagine reader just dropping some lore while talking with husk

And the lore, in that case would be mine- heheh (trying to make this as light as possible bc i don’t think I can avoid.)

I had a fucked up childhood, and I honestly think my biggest “trauma” was being chased by my father with these https://www.google.com.br/shopping/product/1?q=soft+air+guns&client=safari&sca_esv=6b8e48f255f8d8f2&hl=pt-br&biw=375&bih=550&tbs=vw:g&sxsrf=ADLYWIJXAulThPp-MLs_tZ2OkOV6OUwQ4g:1720929061589&prds=num:1,of:1,eto:8420583661406746750_0,prmr:1,pid:8420583661406746750,cs:1&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwjt1Jir0KWHAxXKL7kGHQAhBrEQgjYI8Ag (not this exact model but something similar) same would happen with my sister and cousins, but they think it was rather funny. Another “trauma” I have is from when my father forced me to get half naked in front of him and my mother to see if I was self harming, (only panties and bra, both extra short) and yell at me once they saw I was. There are other things like making me abandon my rescued dog on my birthday (I took the dog in without their permission) and some shit like depriving me from attention so much that I started to self harm at the age of 9 whenever they refused to give me hugs and kisses bc I felt like I did something wrong, or when they would threaten to hit me if I woke them up at night so I started to crawl silently to their bedroom and sleep on the FLOOR whenever I had a nightmare while I was 6-9.

Now, imagine, everyone drinking and complaining about things like: Charlie- “yeah, feel a bit weird around my dad bc we.. don’t talk a lot you know?” And reader just going “girl, I feel you, my dad would threaten to hit me if I woke him up at night so whenever I had a nightmare I’d sleep on the floor of their bedroom “ and husk is like, just listening while in his mind everything annoying and weird about reader starts to make sense, like, why would they always annoy their friends and then get sad when they get angry or why they would be so shy and insecure around new people

ANYWAYS- I think that’s it for now. I just want some comfort about this- kinda shitty

God, I can't even begin to respond to everything you've been through... I'm so sorry you went through that. I really hope what I've wrote can help ease the smallest sliver of the pain.

Trigger warnings at the start of the ask should be a good indicator of what this piece is. Not detailed, nothing happens on screen, but Reader rants about their trauma and Husk comforts them. Traumas are specific to the requester, but if anyone else wants to read it, feel free! I'm sure we could all use a hug from the bartender, even if our traumas don't all match.

In retrospect, maybe you shouldn’t have said any of that. It seemed on-topic in the moment, with Charlie talking about how her dad took so long to believe her dreams without ever explaining why, and Angel bitching about his own violent, homophobic father but not going into much detail; he was a mafia man, and that was all anyone needed to know to guess what his parenting skills were like. Even Husk offered a bit of input about his childhood, about growing up in hotels and shelters all across Las Vegas and not knowing who his father was.

The subject was fathers, so you contributed your own experiences. Maybe you wouldn’t have been so detailed if you weren’t so hopelessly drunk. But with the alcohol coursing through your veins, you begin to speak. You tell stories about your father chasing you with an airsoft gun as some sort of sick “joke”, and about the beloved dog you had to abandon. You talk about the cycle of self-harm, where you’d be punished for hurting yourself and it would only drive you to cause further harm. A thread of neglect and loneliness trails through every story you tell, with you only pausing for the briefest of moments to sip from the drink that Husk keeps topping off for you.

By the time you stop talking, everyone at the bar is staring, burning holes into your soul that make you suddenly regret opening your mouth.

“...Jesus Christ,” is all Angel has to offer.

“Okay! It sounds like you’ve been through some pretty heavy things!” Charlie says, forcing the widest smile she can muster. “Maybe that’s what we can focus on in your rehabilitation! If you can learn to accept love from others and stop believing that your childhood was your fault, you won’t feel the need to act out!”

There’s one person you want a reaction from most of all, but he’s not responding. You felt his gaze on you for your entire impromptu speech, but now that you’ve finished, he seems to be ignoring you, more focused on a spot on the bar that he keeps wiping despite it looking perfectly clean.

“Maybe I should… go to bed,” you say with a forced laugh. “Sorry to bother you guys.” It’s still relatively early in the evening, but given what you’ve just said, everyone seems to understand your reasoning as you drain your final cocktail and head for the stairs.

—

You’re in your bed, but you’re not sleeping. You can’t sleep. Not with all the memories rushing through your head. God damn it, why did you have to bring all that shit back? It’s so much better to keep it buried. Sure, there was some slight relief in saying it out loud, but this backlash is so very not worth it.

You bolt up in surprise at the sound of a light tapping at the door.

“Are you awake?” asks a dark, smooth voice that you’d recognize anywhere. Your heart flutters at the very sound of it, then just as quickly sinks in guilt. Now you’ve gone and made Husk worry about you. You lay back down and face your wall, trying your best to feign sleep until he leaves.

“Can I come in?” he asks. “I don’t wanna assume, but… you seem like you shouldn’t be alone right now.”

And now he doesn’t even trust you to be on your own. Great. You grip your arms and shiver at the thoughts of Husk looking over your arms, marred with scars both fresh and aged, judging you, scolding you-

Your arms aren’t even scarred anymore. Not in this new demon body. None of the implements you’ve been using have been enough to permanently damage your nearly-immortal form. But still, all you can see when you look at your skin are those scars, and your gut insists that Husk will be able to see them, too.

“...okay. I’ll let you sleep,” he says. “But if you can hear me… everyone else has gone to bed, but I’m gonna be in the lobby a bit longer if you wanna… if you need anything.”

Good. He’s leaving. Just as you wanted him to.

Right?

“Wait,” you call out before you can stop yourself. You wonder if you’re too late and he’s already too far gone to hear you.

“You okay?” he responds.

It takes you a moment to find your voice again. “...you can come in, if you want. I’ll get the door.” You slowly shuffle your way out of bed, disentangling yourself from the blanket nest you’d snuggled yourself down into. You’re unsteady on your feet, anxiety taking over the part of your brain that knows how to walk straight, but finally, you find yourself at your bedroom door. You turn the knob and open it, a small part of you expecting to see an empty hallway. Surely you took so long that Husk gave up.

He’s still standing there, brow furrowed and wings drooping.

“...come in,” you say before turning around and heading back to your bed, just as unsteadily as before. You don’t look back to see if he’s following you in, only focused on making it back to your bed. You’re almost embarrassed to admit to yourself how grateful you are to see that he’s still here, and that he’s sitting next to you with no hesitation.

“...I’m sorry about earlier,” you continue, unable to quite look Husk in the eye. “I shouldn’t have said all that.”

“I’m used to it,” Husk says with a shrug. “Something about being around a bartender makes people bitch about all kinds of shit.” He smiles slightly. “And with that much bitching, I think you needed it.”

Your face heats with the admission that he’s right; you did need that.

“But it was way too heavy for me to dump on you guys,” you say. “Even if I needed to say it, you didn’t need to hear it.”

“I think I did, actually,” Husk says.

“How can listening to my rambling about my problems help you?” you ask in disbelief.

“Well… I can’t think of a good way to say this. Promise you won’t take it the wrong way?”

Him saying that only puts you even more on edge, but your curiosity about what he has to say wins out. “Take what the wrong way?”

“Well… I think we got off to a bad start,” Husk admits, gently scratching the back of his neck. “And a bad start doesn’t mean we can’t ever get along! Just look at me and Angel! But my first thought when you joined the hotel was that you were… clingy.”

You’d respond, but you promised to hear him out with the best possible interpretation, so you’ll keep your mouth shut for now.

“I have no idea why you gravitated to me the way you did. Constantly sitting at my bar, constantly talking, constantly giving me those damned kicked-puppy eyes whenever I told you I wasn’t in the mood. But you’d never cling to any of the other residents like that. Not even Charlie! Fuck, I think she would have loved to have you following her around and begging for validation! Instead you seemed afraid of her! Afraid of Charlie!”

“She’s the Princess of Hell,” you say in your own defense. “I can’t go around annoying a princess!”

“But you can annoy the bartender?” Husk says with a cocky smile.

“Look, I don’t know why I latched onto you, either,” you say. That’s not the truth; you know exactly why that charming, smooth-voiced bartender caught your attention so easily. Sure, he seemed gruff at first, but then you heard the way he spoke to regulars, especially Angel, voice flowing like warm honey with advice and assurances…

God, you want to be the one receiving those assurances. But now it seems like you’ve fucked up your chance.

“But after hearing your story…” Husk’s face falls. “...you didn’t get a lot of positive attention while you were alive, did you?”

You shake your head as you will your eyes to not tear up right now.

“I get it. I didn’t either. Been fending for myself since the day I could sneak my way onto the casino floor. When you’re a brat kid seeking approval from a world you don’t belong in, you end up in some real shit.”

You pull your legs up onto the bed and hug them for comfort while Husk talks.

“It sucks feeling alone, I know that. Just wanting someone to… to tell you you’re doing okay. That you’re contributing something. Clutching on to every bit of validation you can get like it’s a life preserver.

I used to be a performer, you know? I think the validation was part of what drew me in. People watching me, people joining that audience to see me. And when I died and got tied up in all that Overlord shit…” His laugh is hollow. “Well, you know how that ended up.”

“But I’m not like you,” you say. “I couldn’t turn my loneliness into talents like you did.”

“You didn’t have to,” Husk says. “Trauma isn’t some big sacrifice you make to suddenly become special. Some of us don’t come out of it stronger, we just come out broken. And even those of us who did make something out of it… was it worth it? I’m sure I could have been a magician or a saxophone player without hinging my entire self-worth on it. Might have even been successful at it if I didn’t have that baggage.” He rests his hand over your hand, the one that’s been digging its nails into your shin without you realizing it. “Hey. Look at me.”

You don’t want to, not with your eyes wet and puffy like this… but when you turn to him and see the warmth in his golden gaze, you’re glad you did it after all.

“I don’t want you worrying about what the rest of us think, all right? You went through some shit. Everyone in this hotel has been through shit, but yours is yours. No sense comparing it to anyone else’s.” He pulls your hand away from your leg so he can squeeze it. “Our shit’s shaped all of us, yours included. Might as well own what it shaped you into.”

“You said I annoyed you,” you point out. “I don’t want to do that anymore.”

“Hey, hey,” he says. “What did I say about worrying about what the rest of us think?”

“But I do worry about what you think!” you say, alcohol once again pulling words from your mouth without your will. “I… I wanna be close to you. I can’t explain why, but ever since I first saw you, I’ve wanted…” What have you wanted? What sort of relationship are you seeking with the older man? You can’t find a word for it. “I’ve wanted… wanted you to know me,” is all you can come with. “To like having me around.”

“And I do. The bar would be a hell of a lot more boring without you talking my ear off.”

Your emotions are building up too strong for you to contain; every muscle in your body is beginning to tense and shake, and the dam behind your eyes threatens to burst. You know what you need now, more than anything, but you also know you can’t just go for something like that, not yet-

But you go for it anyway, throwing your arms around Husk’s body and burying your sobbing face into his chest.

“I’m sorry,” you choke out, voice barely there, as you expect him to grunt in frustration and push you off.

Instead, he hugs you back and gives you a slight squeeze.

“Hey. You’re all right,” he says, voice softer than ever as his claws gently graze your skin over your shirt. “I’ve got you. You’re all right.”

You choke out another apology as you nuzzle your face into his silky fur.

“Come by the bar any time you need to,” he says, his light scratches now focused on your scalp. “I’ll be there to hear you out. I’d like to know more about you… to understand you better.” He rests his cheek on the top of your head and nuzzles. “But you don’t need to talk now. Just do what you’ve gotta do.”

You remain in his embrace for as long as he’ll allow it. Even as your tears finally dry and your body stops trembling, you’re in no rush to leave his side, and he doesn’t move to let you go, either.

“I understand you better already,” he says quietly, as if trying not to disturb you with his voice. As if you could ever be disturbed by the smooth velvet that envelops you whenever he speaks to you…

You’re barely conscious when you feel him laying you back down on the bed and tucking you in with one of the blankets from the jumbled pile on your mattress. A single claw caresses your scalp a final time.

“Get some sleep,” he says. “We can talk more in the morning, if you want.”

As he walks away, you commit his voice to your memory, replaying his words over and over again. His voice, his warmth, his softness, his scent… pretending you’re still enveloped by everything that makes him Husk helps you drift into the best sleep you’ve had since dying.

[twobruhsinahottub]

Just had the worlds worst conversation with my mother (under cut)

Tw: rape, CSA, vent

So, I mentioned my fear of sharing a room with someone right? And my mum asks me why im scared of that, and i share that its because im constantly afraid of the other person raping me in my sleep, or otherwise assaulting me sexually. And i thought this was a normal-ish fear right? Like everyone is super hyper vigilant about sexual assault right? But my mum said thats actually really concerning, and asked if anyone has ever assaulted me, to which i said no, not to my knowledge. Anyway this lead to a conversation about how im constantly terrified, how any time a man walks past i shiver and think that this might be it, that he might grab me and rape me, how i cant go out early in the morning or late at night because im scared something will happen, how i cant get close to people physically because they might touch me inappropriately, and how i dont have sleepovers at friends houses because im scared. And my mother asked me questions about it, and she got really worried, and i said "but its fine, if someone raped me as a kid i would remember it", and I thought shed agree but instead she brought up how she was raped at age 4 and didnt remember until she was 20 and reading a book about CSA. And then I remembered a few books i tried reading, and how i couldnt get past where they mention/imply CSA because it made me panic. And i asked my mum if i showed signs of it as a kid, and she said yes, but i was so emotionally dysregulated because of the other abuse, not to mention undiagnosed autism, that it was impossible to tell, and that wouldve made me a perfect victim. I said theres no way because i wasnt around any pervy men, and while my dad was pure evil, he wasnt that evil, and anyway he has so many kids that someone wouldve said something by now, right? Well, he had no contact with any of his kids except me and one of my half sisters, and both of us have always been alike in our behaviour, and my sister used to beat me up, but she would kick me in the privates because "no one would check there" and now i think of it, how did she know that? How did she know to attack me there at such a young age? But then again, she couldve come into contact with plenty of men i didnt. Theres no way that happened to me, right? And i tell my mother this, and she said maybe, but then she brought up my asexuality and what ive told her about my experience with sex, and she said she was concerned even with that but now with the other stuff shes really worried, and she says i should talk to my counsellor about it, because she knows she wouldnt be clear headed enough to help me considering her personal history and the fact that well, shes my mum. But then i thought more about what ive said about being ace, and how i do experience attraction and i like the idea of sex in theory but the thought of being touched makes me feel sick, and i have nightmares about the time i had sex, despite it being fully consensual and the fact that in the moment i loved it, and when i am reminded of sex i feel physically ill, and apparently thats not being ace, that's something much more concerning? Not to mention the fanfic i used to write, where every self insert i had would always be sexually abused, despite me supposedly never being abused in that way myself. And i have nightmares all the time about being raped, but i put that down to watching too much svu. Also, tmi but like, i cant even pleasure myself without feeling violently ill and sobbing because i hate sexual acts so much....all of this is to say, i dont fucking remember if anything ever happened to me, but i do know i have forgotten other traumatic moments, and that scares the shit out of me. Im 100% not ok rn, and i cant think of anything else other than i mightve been assaulted as a child and i dont remember it. I really hope not, obviously. I dont see my counsellor for another two weeks and idk who to talk to about this. I bet none of this made sense, i just needed to get it off my chest. Im scared and worried, because what if my biggest fear already happened and i didnt know it?

[cottoncandy-cult]

You Have A Nightmare (ZFBFS)

It was late one summer night; a storm had rolled through, and the pounding thunder reverberated through the forest. (Y/n) was deep in sleep as she lay tucked into her bed, but it wasn't restful, as she tossed and turned in her comfy bed the occasional whine or yelp escaped from her. Her cover was near falling off the bed, her body was at an odd angle and pillow nowhere to be seen. A particularly violent round of thunder and lightning caused the girl to jolt awake, her body was sore from how she had been laying but the adrenaline from her nightmare had the aches numbed out. (E/C) eyes darted around the room in a daze, it took a few minutes for her senses to wake up. Slowly as she became aware of the pouring rain, she soon began to calm down a bit, sluggishly the stressed female pulled herself from the bed and slipped out of her room.

She attempted to turn on the hallway light, attempted because it only came on a few moments before it cut off. The deafening silence told her the electric went out, since she couldn't hear the fan in her room going any longer she knew she'd have to go downstairs to the fuse box. She was planning to go downstairs anyways to get a drink, but after her nightmare doing so in the dark had made even her a bit nervous. It was so silent she almost thought the pounding of her heart could be heard down the halls, even though it was her house something about the silence made her fearful of breaking it. She tried to breathe as quietly as she could, almost suffocating herself, as she slowly and quietly made her way down the hallway. When she found herself at the top of the stairs she stood and listened, she wasn't sure what for and she felt ridiculous being an adult mercenary and she's still this spooked by the dark and quiet. Though after a few seconds of nothing she made her way down, each step irritated her as it gave off a dull thud until she made it to the bottom of the steps.

Lightning filled the room with light for a few moments, she didn't really need it, but it still made navigating through the living room to the kitchen a lot easier. By now she had started to feel ridiculous and began to tell herself off for being a trained killer and still being afraid of nightmares, she relaxed and little and let her guard down. Making her way to the fuse box on the far wall of the kitchen, and when she opened it, she was greeted by the first real light of the night. She was glad they thought to put a battery light that turned on when the door was opened inside, though as she looked over the fuses, she was disappointed to see that none of them was blown. This could only mean one thing. "Damnit..." She muttered softly to herself, glaring at the switches for a moment. "So, it's just a fucking power outage then?" The deep sleepy mumble behind her caused both the girl's feet to leave the floor for a moment as a scream slipped from her chest, at that same time she heard a rush of noises followed by a heavy fall and swearing.

Spinning around the battery light shone onto none other than Zack, the male sitting confused and startled on the floor. "Zack you ass don't scare me like that!" Her hand was pressed to her pounding chest making her sit in a nearby chair at the table against the wall, leaving the fuse box door open to keep the room lit. "Hey don't get mad at me! You're the one that screamed so loud I fell over!" He huffed and pouted from his spot on the floor, lazily glaring at her. He looked so cute she couldn't help but to laugh, she felt better now that she knew it was him, but she was still a little startled. "Did the storm wake you?" (Y/n) questioned right as another round of thunder and lightning rattled the house, the girl moving to stand and grab a bottle of water from the fridge. "Yeah, that and my fan beeped as it powered down, so I knew the electric was out." He watched her as she got her drink, then he quirked an eyebrow and tilted his head. "What were you doing up? I know the thunder is loud but usually you sleep through these storms." He almost looked concerned, but it was dark so she couldn't quite tell. "I was having a nightmare, so it didn't take much for a loud clap of thunder to wake me." She sighed and went back to her chair, setting her bottle on the table as she looked at him. "So, what should we do? I don't know about you but after that little scare, I'm not all that tired anymore. It'll be an hour or two before the generator kicks on."

She looked over the male as he stretched out on the floor, his legs extending as he leaned back in his palms. "I don't know, to be honest I'm not that tired either." He sighed as he stared up at the ceiling, leaving her to try and think of something. "You wanna try and get the fireplace going and make some hot chocolate?" Now that got his attention, Zack had grown to love chocolate and hot chocolate was his drug of choice. "Sure, I'll go and grab a few left-over logs from the garage. Why don't you go ahead and into the living room, light a candle or two for some light until we get the fire going." Before she could even respond he was up and out, making her laugh to herself. After going over basic fire safety with him, and a couple months with a therapist, he was better able to handle controlled flames. Especially since they always went out of their way to make sure the fireplace was clean and that they had everything set up correctly so no pieces could escape. Once he realized you could actually control fire, he felt a bit better about it. As before it felt like fire could run without check, as if nothing was able to contain it. Now he knew better, and with 2 winters of experience he's comfortable with the small, controlled blazes.

And from there their middle of the night adventure began

[kentuckycaverats]

being emo about what a difference del's made in my life, word vomit below the cut so i don't clog the dash.

i've talked about this a wee bit on here, but after my first couple of years getting into ttrpgs i realized that i kept accidentally putting pieces of my soul into my pcs and having surprise Realizations over the course of the game(s), so i decided to start doing it on purpose

i built del very intentionally to have like, all of my childhood-adolescent trauma. the details are all greatly exaggerated but are rooted in the same feelings: not being allowed to have boundaries, not being allowed to make my own choices, being denied autonomy, being openly gay and trans in a conservative christian town, intimate partner abuse, suicidality. the fujinamis are (very loosely) based on my own parents and the tsugas are the parents i wish i'd had. sabina is not-so-loosely based on my abusive ex

but del is unlike me in every other way. she can stand up for herself, she can set and enforce boundaries, she's strong-willed and physically capable, afraid of nothing, and genuinely can't be fucked to care what anyone thinks of her. traits that i don't have but desperately wish that i did. i figured that if i could develop and play a character who emulates those things, then hey, look, those exist in me too, because del can't exist without me. my therapist has been a huge proponent of this and has helped me to utilize del as a therapeutic tool, and boyyyy has it worked. with the combination of EMDR + delphine, i've made crazy progress just in this last year

last night my partner and i were talking to his best friend and ended up on the topic of first relationships, and she wanted to know about my abusive ex. and like. she's haunted me for over a decade. it used to be that i couldn't think or talk about what she did to me without violently dissociating and triggering nightmares about her. but it doesn't hurt me to talk about anymore? she sucks ass and she's the worst person i ever met in my life, but i'm not afraid of her anymore. and i credit like 50% of that to therapy/EMDR and the other half to del game

because del has gotten to face and defeat sabina twice: first in backstory, in which del diablerized her and ended up with sabina's consciousness kicking around in her head, then again with tara and the coterie by her side as she killed her for good. when we were going into that session my therapist had a hunch that being rid of sabina in-game would help me get past the last big block from my own abuser, and she was right. i didn't notice it right away, but even when she does show up in my dreams (and she did last night, like she usually does when i talk about her) they aren't nightmares anymore. she's there and i'm annoyed mostly, but not afraid. i can tell her no and tell her to fuck off and instead of the big looming figure she used to be in my brain she's just a pathetic asshole who can't reach me anymore

my therapist says all the time that the brain processes fiction and reality the same way, emotionally-speaking, and we joke about ttrpg as group therapy but it really has been. and so much of that credit goes to our st who's (1) brilliant (2) so cognizant of telling trauma stories in a safe and respectful way and (3) has a window into my soul i guess?? he knows i'm plural but the del/aelsidhe arc was a complete surprise to me, and oddly enough comes like, scary close to paralleling the relationship between myself (del as proxy) and the host before me (aelsidhe as proxy) who i was supposed to protect from our ex. i couldn't have come up with a more fitting arc for del if i'd tried

anyway. tl;dr - healing is stored in the fighty little cockroach lesbian and she will always be so so special to me

[igotanidea]

Blip: Matt Murdock x fem!reader

Summary: Matt disappeared during the blip, leaving Y/N alone. Being broken and desperate at first, soon enough the girl turned into her own kind of villain, going by name Darkness. And then, miraculously someone came back from the quantum realm with the possibility to turn this shitty situation around.

The reader is (was) a part of Avengers, previously called the Shadow with powers to control... well, the shadows. Literally and figuratively (like the shadows in people's mind and/or past). Imagine something like Darkling from the Shadow nad Bone. A snippet of her story is here(prologue) and here (chapter 1). I need some action on those to continue the story .

A/N: this story is for my favorite @somest1 - THANK YOU! Hope your back is better now, girl :) And hope you'll enjoy.

3 years ago

I woke up screaming my lungs out, springing from the bed, shaking like in fever and with tears in eyes.

I just had the worst nightmare ever.

Only it was not a nightmare, but a brutal reality.

Thanos gathered all the infinity stones and erased half of the population of the Earth. I was lucky I was spared. Soooo damn lucky. I get to live my life and move on a day to day basis.

Yeah…. I was so fucking lucky.

Matt wasn’t.

He just turned into dust right in front of my eyes and there was nothing I could have done. One second he was standing next to me and the other was just gone. Like he never existed.

And I was reliving this scene in my head every night. Screaming, sweating, never getting enough sleep to actually rest. My mind was spinning and I found myself losing any motivation to live. Foggy and Karen blipped as well so I was completely alone.

Ok, maybe that was a bit of exaggeration. After all, I had my avengers friends.

Steve was running some therapy group and after everything that happened, one day out of the blue, he just showed up at my door, wanting to check if I was alright.

I was not. Obviously.

I opened the door, dressed in Matt’s favorite old hoodie, which was way too big for me since I lost a lot of weight due to the stress with puffy eyes and nose and cheeks red from extensive crying. I was pathetic.

“Y/N….” Steve’s voice broke the moment he laid eyes on me

“I…. I’m sorry, Steve.”

“Why are you sorry?” he immediately pulled me into the bear hug. He was not Matt, but his strong arms gave me a little bit of comfort “I should be the one apologizing. I should have come to you earlier”

“No.” I shook my head abruptly, pulling myself closer to him “you have enough on your head. I would just be…..”

“Don’t say it.”

“…. a burden.”

“I told you not to say it.” He muttered “Hey, look at me” involuntarily I raised my head to look him in the eyes “you’re not alone, ok? Not anymore. I’m taking you with me.”

“Where?”

“To a safe place. Don’t worry, we’ll take care of you.”

“Who’s we?” I frowned

“You’ll see” he smiled and urged me to gather the most important things.

2 years ago

In my defense, I tried to learn lessons from Steve’s group meetings. I really did. But soon sitting on my ass, doing nothing but finding joy in little things got me fed up. I transformed from the little, scared and pathetic girl into a violent, vindictive woman. I bet it was those shadows in me that I tried to suppress for way to long. So after a couple of months I decided to let them out. From what I heard, Clint was raging his personal vendetta (since he lost all of his family as well) and I was considering joining him.

One day, I just found him  on the street in some Japanese city, running around in some new suit, using blades and knifes instead of his characteristic bow and arrows. There were dead bodies and blood all over him and his face was twisted in both anger and pain.

“So, you are the Ronin? I heard about you.” I whispered standing behind his back, careful not to stamp on any of the people he killed

“I give you ten seconds to explain exactly who you are and why are you here.” He hissed

“Clint.”

“Y/N?” he turned around facing me “You’re alive?”

“I don’t know if that’s the right word to describe it.” I whispered when he hugged me briefly “I heard, what happened to you. I am so, so sorry Clint.”

“If you came here to ask me to stop……”

“No.”

“No? So, it wasn’t Cap or Nat with their big ideals and …..?”

“No. I don’t share their approach anymore.”

“Anymore. So you did before? What changed?”

“The anger. The pain. The fear” I shrugged “The sense of unfairness.”

“You lost him.” He stated simply. Clint never met Matt, but he heard me talk about him back in the Shield and Avengers days. We were close enough to let him in on that secret.

I just nodded, not able to say a word.

“I’m sorry, Y/N.”

“I know. I know you know how it feels.”

“You came a long way here, didn’t you? Let me take you to my place. It’s not much, but you can spend the night there.”

“Thanks. I… I actually came to ask for advice.”

“Ask for advice?” he laughed sarcastically “Me? Not a really good role model, am I?” he motioned towards the bloody stains on the streets.

“Not like this.” I shook my head “I need to know how do you remember. How do you not let those little memories of people you loved slip away.” I looked straight into his face, now shocked and so vulnerable “I’m starting to forget Clint. And I don’t want that.”

“Let’s go. I’ll tell you all you want, just not here.”

1 year ago

I had some lessons from Cap and some from Clint, but never really found my place with them. So I was riding solo like a villain now. I learned how to control my shadows like never before, maybe it was because they were always a part of the dark side of me which I now embraced fully. When I was pretending to be good, acting good, they were so much harder to contain. When I dropped the act and let the darkness in, they became an extension of my own being. I wasn’t just the Shadow anymore. I was going by The Darkness now.  Not a killer, not a hero, but someone to be afraid of. I get back to Hell’s kitchen becoming the fright of every criminal in the city. Beating them up, leaving all of them defenseless, controlling all the transfers and dirty transactions. Never killing them though. I was not like Clint and murdering them would not bring me any satisfaction, that one I was sure of. Instead, my point was to make them afraid. Constantly. Scared that if they make one false move the Darkness would come straight at them. I wanted them to have sleepless nights, full of nightmares just like I did before. I wanted them shitting their pants just at the mere mention of my name. I wanted them looking back in fear I was hiding in the darkness where they could not see me. Truth be told, some of those cowards died because of a heart attacks caused by constant terror.

I got exactly what I wanted.

I got Hell’s kitchen in the palm of my hand. Cleaning it from the scumbags just like Matt always tried to. Just like he wanted to. But sometimes, just sometimes, I was wondering if he would recognize me under all those dirty things I did. Would he want to be with a villain? Or would that be too much for my catholic boyfriend and his work ethics?

Flashback

“Do you think we can ever make this city safe?” I was looking through the window onto the empty, silent street. Of course all the drama was happening underground. “Like, can we actually clear it from all the crime, criminals, pain and fear?”

“No. No, I don’t think so. Sad thing about it is that crime is like a hydra. You cut one head of it and two new grow back.” He hugged me from behind, his chest to my back, hands on my waist, chin on my arm.

“Then why are you still fighting? Isn’t it futile? And it sounds a bit hypocritical. I mean, you beat the shit out of the villains, risking your own health. And mine. And you have no hope it will get better?”

“I never said that” he spun me around so now I was facing him in the dark. I was facing Daredevil, in his suit, arguably the most dangerous person in Hell’s kitchen explaining his action “don’t try to outsmart a lawyer” he smirked and I did the same “I said we cannot eradicate crime. But we can fight for the good people. We can make this city better, safer. By doing good. Nothing will ever be perfect. No one….” He pulled me closer “wait, no, there’s one  person who is perfect with her flaws, imperfections and insecurities. She’s the one who’s always positive in her quiet way, doing good and creating a safe space.”

“She?” I scoffed ”Matt, are you cheating on me?”

“You little silly kitten” he brushed his lips on my cheek and I closed my eyes. It’s been a while since we have an intimate moment like this “I love you.”

“I love you too, Mattie” I answered before he kissed me deeply conveying all his feelings for me.

End of flashback

So, would he love me the way I was now? Not so optimistic? Not creating safe space but running on terror and fright? Would he…..?

I quickly discarded those thoughts, though. He was gone. There was no point in wondering “what if”, it was bad for the mental health. I had to play with the cars I was given. And those weren’t exactly the good ones.  

Now

I was called by Steve to the so-called headquarters. After all this time, he still believed there were a team to have such. Guess, he did not change that much.

“We need you.” he said over the phone

“Who’s we?” I joked, using the same phrase as 3 years ago when he found me in my apartment broken and crying the loneliness and pain away.

“You’ll see.” He smiled catching the reference at once.

“No, it won’t work this time, Steve. I’m not the same girl who buys into everything you say.”

“So, I’ve heard. You upgraded, right? I’m just not sure if you did it in the right direction.”

“ Are you disappointed now, Cap?” I smirked. I acted like I did not care, but truth be told, it pained me. I did what I did and there was no regret there, but hearing harsh words from him…..

“No. I’m not. You choose your own path, can’t blame you for that, even though it could have been a different one. But you’re still a part of the team. We have a chance to make things right, the right way. Will you come help?”

“Of course I will.” I muttered “and…. Steve?”

“Yes?”

“For what it’s worth, I am sorry.” Yeah, I lied. There was a bit of regret in me

“I know.”

***

“Scott? Holy shit, is that you?” I opened my eyes wide noticing the ant-man himself standing in the room, surrounded by the other members of the former Avengers .

“Hey there kiddo, long time no see.” He smiled brightly

“Yeah, um…. I guess. How are the ants? And how are you still…..?”

“Oh it’s a long story and ….”

“You’re late.” Clint walked right behind me patting my back making me jump as he smirked “we won’t be telling you this story for the second time.”

“Nice to see you too Clint. How’s Ronin doing?”

“Y/N.” Natasha came out of the room “it’s so good to see you again.”

“Hey, Nat. New haircut?”

“I didn’t really have much to do for the last couple years so can you blame a girl?”

“Not really. Is there someone else coming back from the grave? And why the fuck am I the last one to be called?”

“Um, cause you’re unstable kid. You’re the threat to this entire operation.”

“Well, talk about coming back from the dead. Hello, Stark.”

“Y/N.”

“Are you….um, you look pale.” Yeah, I know, not very intelligent response

“I spend some time in space, so that’s the effect on me.”

“Y/N!” before I realized what was happening I was being crashed in the embrace of Hulk. Bruce. Bruce who was now Hulk. Apparently he figured a way to make them both work together.

“You’re….. you’re crushing me Bruce” I panted and he let go “but nonetheless it’s good to see you.”

“Same kid. Now, since we have to move on pretty quick, how much do you know about the quantum physics?”

“Only as much as you taught me. Why?”

“That would be enough. Now listen….”

“How Is it that I’m the only one who doesn’t have a clue what is going on here?” some man, looking hangover, with dark glasses, long hair and matter beard burped from the corner

“Thor?” That was quite a surprise “what happened to you?!”

‘Lost the girl, lost the Kingdom, lost his brother. Blah, blah, blah, slippery slope. We’ve all been through it. Now can we stop this pity party and move on?” thankfully Rocket was quick to interfere before Thor really started the pity party. Not that I blamed him, he’s been through a lot.

Long story short, Scott found out that if we travel in time and space we can gather infinity stones and actually defeat Thanos. For good. So we studied the timelines, decided the best times to go back to, divided ourselves in teams and …. went back.

“See you in a minute” Nat smiled at us before we all disappeared.

 I was travelling with Tony, Steve , Scott and Hulk. Despite some obstacles on the way (it can never be easy, right) we succeeded and came to present safe and sound. I frantically turned around checking if everyone were safe.

“Where’s Nat?” Clint managed to say next to me, not seeing our redhead friend.

Oh, shit.

Yes, we’ve been thought another loss. But we fought on. Having all the stones we get all the lost souls back. Loosing Tony on the way. He died a hero. After I paid my respect and said goodbye to everyone I returned to the Hell’s Kitchen. Hoping Matt would be back as well. Probably confused, not knowing what happened. Scott warned me that for those who blipped the time stopped so it would be like they never left.

“MATT?!” I yelled the second I opened the door to his apartment “MATT!? Are you there?”

“Y/N?” he emerged from the bathroom, confused expression on his face “Baby, what happened?”

“MATT!” I jumped right at him, making him grab my tights as I pulled him closer than possible. He really was back.

“Y/n? Not that I’m complaining, but……” he held me close and my heart was just racing hundred miles an hour.

“I missed you.” I muttered cupping his cheek lovingly

“Missed me? Baby, I’ve been in the bathroom for barely five minutes. “ he raised an eyebrow suspiciously “what are you up to?”

“Oh, right. I should probably explain this to you.”

“Explain what?”

“Nothing. Never mind. Later. Can you just kiss me? Please?”

“I don’t understand the rush but how can I refuse?” he leaned down, put a single strand of hair behind my ear, traced his fingers over my jaw (making me impatient with all those gestures) and finally pressed his lips onto mine. I melted into him instantly. I knew I missed him, but I never realized the scope of it. His touch and warmth, and the security I felt in his arms. His soft hair and his slight stubble. God! I locked my hands on his neck pulling him closer, not wanting him to stop.

“Someone’s desperate.” he smirked with playful glint in his eyes as his lips moved to my neck

“I….”

“Don’t deny. I can feel your heart racing.”

“I wasn’t going to deny.” I groaned when he found that soft spot.

“Do you need something more from me, baby? You just gotta ask, you know.”

Surprisingly even to myself I didn’t want more. I just needed to be in his arms, cuddling, holding him and letting him hold me, craving to just feel him next to me, not in the physical sense. And he did that, as we laid in bed in each other embrace, enjoying this moment as I explained to him everything that happened.

“Three years?” he asked, terrified “I’ve been gone for three years?”

“Yes.”

“And…. And you’ve been alone all this time?” his grip on my waist suddenly became stronger, one of his hand sneaking up my back pulling me closer to his chest.

“I was so lonely, Mattie, so freaking lonely.”

“Oh, my love.” He kissed my temple and then top of my head and then my cheek and nose, ultimately brushing his lips against mine “you poor little thing. I am so sorry.”

“You said as if it was your fault. You did not have anything to say in the matter. Might have as well been the other way round. It could have been me who disappeared.”

“I would go crazy without you.” he muttered, cupping my cheek and brushing his thumb over it, making me instantly lean into the touch “absolutely crazy. I would turn into Frank Castle with his personal vendetta.”

“Or like Clint Barton.”

“The guy you used to work with? Hawkeye?” he was fairly familiar with my Shield friends “what does he have to do with it?”

“Nothing. It’s in the past now. Can you kiss me again.”

“Stop asking. I’ve got three years to make up for, right? So trust me, you’re not leaving this apartment, this bed specifically, any time soon.”

“Mattie!” I giggled when he switched our positions so instead of my head on his chest I was now flat on my back, his toned body hovering over me.

“I will make up for all the lost time” he murmured closing the gap between us, the kissed quickly turning more and more heated, our hands wandering everywhere and soon we were both shirtless. “So… what do I do with you now…..?” he whispered against my collarbone.

Before I could answer there was a rather loud and frantic knock on the door.

“Who the hell….?” Matt hissed trying best to ignore the noises and focus on me.

“Matt? Y/N? Are you  in there? What happened in this damn city?”

“Foggy!” I wriggled out of Matt’s arms, to which action he groaned and rushed to the door. “Foggy!”  hugged my friend tightly “So good to see you. Is Karen all right? Have you seen her?”

“She’s on the way.” Foggy explained “but before she get here I suggest you put on some shirt. I;m not even asking what did I interrupt.”

“You always had bad timing” Matt hissed showing at the door and passing me his T-shirt.

“Well my bad timing saved your ass from trouble a couple times, so I’m not sorry. But now, can you explain to me what is “the blip”?

***

3 weeks later

“Y/N?” it was after hours and Matt was getting ready for his night patrol. This time I was joining him since we agreed my skills were far too good to go to waste. I guess one good thing coming from the blip was that I was finally acknowledged by my boyfriend.

“Yes, Mattie?”

“There are some rumors on the street. And since you’ve been here the last couple years maybe you could explain something to me.”

“Sure, honey. What did you hear?”

“Who is Darkness?” Oh shit. I was up for a lot of explaining.

@pinksirensong

[bugwolfsstuff]

More W.I.Ps Yay

Psychopomp

Summary: Travis has psychopomp powers, Connor likely does too but no one knows other than Travis himself. Travis decides to summon Luke for some reason.

Notes to myself:

[the no good bad evil oneshot about Luke and Travis]

[Travis summons Luke]

[Make sure there has to be a lifeline that keeps Travis alive during the ritual.]

[Have his lifeline accidentally be Katie]

[Have Katie show up near the end]

[He compares the whispering to Katie talking so much, and that causes things to spitball and anchor his life]

["Great, just what I needed—Katie's voice in surround sound," he grumbled, a desperate attempt at humour in the face of the spectral onslaught.]

[Diaktoros- Guide, Messenger]

[Athanatos Diaktoros- Immortal guide]

["What are you doing?" Luke said

Travis rips the blanket off himself and throws it on the ground, suddenly disgusted by its existence.

"Don't throw my blanket".]

[Have Travis have a panic attack when Katie arrives because he's so scared of what she thinks]

[Have Travis refer to him and Katie as a demented demigod Persephone and Hades]

Small extract:

"Hey..."

"Mmm...five more minutes," I mumbled, trying to get at least a few more moments of sleep. The last few nights have been sleepless and filled with tossing and turning, nightmares and a bunch of other stuff I don't wanna talk about; sleep was something I really needed right now.

"Hey, Trav."

I shoved a pillow over my head. "Go away". I don't care if it was Cecil, Chris, or Connor—wow, there are alot of C names in this cabin. What is Hermes' deal with names that start with a C?

"Travis Thomas Stoll. Wake. Up. Now."

That wasn't even close to my middle name. I don't even think I have a middle name. But before I could even point that fact out, a small fist decided to acquaint itself with my stomach.

So it was Connor.

That little shithead.

------

2. Who is the monster? the children?

Summary: Magnus Chase/Norse myth oneshot of Loki's 'monster' children being brought to Odin. From the third person view of Hel.

Notes to myself:

[F you Odin]

[Think of a nickname for Jormungandr because I ain't calling him by his full name for the entire shot.]

[Forgot Hel was the youngest midway through this, so let's pretend Hel is freakishly (horrible phrasing) strong]

[Technically, a monster isn't a bad thing to be. It just has bad associations]

[Fun fact: Monster derives from the Latin monstrum, itself derived ultimately from the verb moneo—to remind, warn, instruct, or foretell

[höggspjót—chopping spear. It takes its name from Old Norse högg, stroke, blow, slaughter, beheading and spjót, "spear]

[They are so gonna use that on the snake :(]

Small extract:

 She assumes they must be young because they are only as big as Fenrir. Not as big as her mom or other Jotun.

Jormungandr hissed in her arms. She was playing with him when the warriors came with their pointy weapons and red faces, so he refused to let go of her. Even when the warriors pointed their höggspjót at him and

------

3. Wine Child: chapter two draft 4? Fuck what number are we on?

Summary: Percy's pov of the de aged Mr D fanfic. Hebe shows up, dumps 8yr old Dio at camp. Ruins Percy's date. Dives into Dio's demigod trauma.

Notes to myself:

[Work on chapter title]

[Dio has a sword, where does he get the sword? fuck knows. Hebe gave the 8yr old a sword for funsies]

[He's wearing a girls outfit and has wild curly hair]

[make him punch Percy in the balls]—has been changed to Will now.

Small extract:

Did I mention that she's holding a very alive-looking, violently squirming gym bag?

"Well, it's a funny story, really." She said, which meant in god language: It was very much not funny, but you better laugh or I vaporize you.

She twirled the gym bag in her hand as she talked, pulling it up by the straps and tipping it upside down like a very angry yoyo.

Whatever was in the bag really didn't like that, which to be fair, I'd be pretty cranky if some goddess shoved me in a gym bag and then started playing with the bag like a yoyo.

"What I didn't account for was how whiney he was. So then I thought, hmm, where was the best place where he could learn to appreciate youth? Nowhere else but summer camp!" 

[spirits-n-giggles]

*In Your Dreams*

(Johnny Silverhand × V)

V: "You just don't fucking GET IT!"

JS: "Yeah, I get it. You're a fuckin' prude."

"Oh that's rich coming from Night City's most notorious ho-bag. You don't know a damn thing about me."

"Oh? So you don't continuously flirt with all of your friends just to blueball 'em in the end? You don't cozy up next to them for warmth when you're stuck riding out storms? You don't go on fucking diving trips with lesbos that are hot to trot for ya-"

"Those are my friends, you ass. Hanging out, and having a base amount of empathy isn't flirting- it's called being cordial. But I suppose you wouldn't even know the meaning of that word."

"....Or picnic dates with well oiled cops-"

"Okay-yes.... I know some of them have.... found some sort of comfort, but I can't control that- and even you fucking know that I have made it quite clear that I am just not interested."

"...in them."

"I.... haven't really found interest in anyone. How can I? How fucking unfair would that be, giving some else THIS responsibility? Having them care for a dying body with a dying soul- slowly morphing into someone completely new with no way to stop it- they'd be forced to watch someone they only think they love die. I don't have that long. I just.... wouldn't want to put that burden on anoyone."

"Well, isn't that all sweet and dandy. Too bad all I hear is a bunch of bellyaching from a damn drama queen, 'cause your dreams- well, they tell a different story."

"....WHAT?!"

"Ooh. Hit a button, did I? Am I wrong?"

"What the fuck are you doing in my dreams?!"

"I dunno... what am I doing in your dreams?"

"What the fuck!?! You've been peeping in on my..... my nightmares?! It's already bad enough that I can't keep my own memories to my own goddamn self!"

"Hey genius, remember we share a brain? I don't exactly have a lot of control over that- well not the kind of control that you necessarily want... at least in those dreams."

"Fuck you."

"Heh. You wish."

"Listen, you over-inflated egotistical shit-ass. Just because you like to go sleeping with the first unit with a fucking face that you see, doesn't mean that I do. We are not the same!"

"Hey, don't get all huffy with me just 'cause you got the hots for a deadbeat ghost."

"I don't.... It just.... you..... ugh. Jeezus this is the absolute LAST thing I need right now."

"Yeah, what you really need is a good-"

"Shut up, Johnny. Ya know, it's not like I can exactly control my fuckin' dreams. You think I LIKE the absolute horrors that my mind comes up with?"

"Listen, dreams are fucking weird on their own, but then you add another stupidly crazed lunatic in that noggin with you, and hell, you've seen my past too. It's a wonder that we don't actually kill each other when merging in sleep like we do."

"Do you..... do you see them all?"

"I.... honestly try to avoid them when I can. The violent ones are almost barbaric in nature, but that's to be expected with a steadily deteriorating brain and a PTSD ridden parasite sucking the life out of it."

"Well... that's uhh..... well, thanks.... I guess."

"Buuuut..... there are those choice few that I have stumbled upon..."

"Go away, Johnny."

"Especially hard to ignore the ones I'm starrin' in.

"Go AWAY, Johnny."

"...and hey, at least you're right about one thing: you don't want any of your friends."

"You don't know what I want, Johnny. You don't even know what you want."

"Heh... Neither do you."

Then the 60+ y/o throwback song "Bad Romance" comes on in the background and it makes 'em both seethe with hatred. Johnny just hates the damn song in general, but V.... well.... wrong(right) place wrong(right) time really does exist for her.

Screenshots by @spits-n-giggles

[theroastedwretch]

Between the Lines- Ep. 6

Warnings- PG-13 due to Swearing and Explicit Language, Mature Themes, possible Violent References

Small A/N: I wanted to try something a bit different with the style this time when handling the conversations around the puzzles with Lilly and Phil's texts, so let me know what you think!

Index Ep. 5

I couldn’t hold myself together, just barely making it to the bathroom before getting sick from nerves. I’d spent too long wrapped in my Nothing, so the sudden onslaught of pain was made all the sharper. That was one of the problems with hiding from your feelings. They didn’t really go away, you just got worse at them.

So now, sitting on the floor of my bathroom with my head in my hands, I felt everything. My insecurity about losing people I was starting to think of as my friends, not just Hannah’s, once they didn’t need me anymore. The rage over all of the hiding and lies. The exhaustion, bone deep and suffocating. The rejection, from Jake, and even from Thomas and Lilly. The sadness to see Paige go, realizing how much I needed her here. Disgust at myself, for how weak I’d become.

It burst through, and I felt dizzy like it was a physical injury rather than just emotional. Blood pounded in my ears, my heart racing in a way that I knew from experience was just a panic attack but I barely convinced myself it wasn't my heart trying to explode. I pushed myself off the floor, stumbling down the hall toward my room, trying to make it there before I fell apart. 

I couldn’t disassociate again, why couldn’t I do it? Why did it feel like I’d been the one knocked to the ground and left to suffer? Why did everything hurt, like suddenly feeling again had lit my nerves on fire?

Overwhelmed, I nearly spammed Jessy’s phone with pleas to respond, offers to call someone to help, and attempts to show how worried I was. I laid there, clutching my phone in desperation, until something kind of like sleep overtook me.

___

The nightmares were unsurprising, and the shooting pain that ran up my spine when I sat up was even less so. I was too old to put my body through those kinds of unfortunate contortions, and I knew my whole day would be spent stiff and sore. 

I hadn’t turned off my bedroom light the night before, and now I squinted against the light as I looked around for my phone that had fallen from my grasp at some point during the night. I was ashamed of my response to Jessy’s attack, of how I’d gotten taken over by my own emotions instead of being there for her. I tried to tell myself it was just because of the shock, that I wasn't actually that terrible of a person, but the argument fell flat even in my own mind. 

The guilt grew when she still didn’t reply, and the worry did the same when I saw that Phil clearly hadn’t heard what happened yet. Could I get his number from the others, maybe? Tell him what happened, get him to stop pressuring her? That would reveal that I had access to their messages, Jake would be furious, but I owed her that much.

Wait, she’d told me about the break in. I was allowed to know about that. Maybe I could confront the idiots for her, convince them to fix things so she didn’t have to. It wouldn’t be enough to make things right, but it was a start. It had to be.

Thomas didn’t even have the grace to sound ashamed, just asking how I knew and then running to save his own ass when I told him about the call Phil was going to make. That part I shouldn’t have known, but maybe they wouldn’t ask too many questions, or I could deflect by making it clear how much they’d fucked up. I’d figure it out later.

Jessy had at least been well enough to call off from work, which should have reassured me. But the fact that she didn’t feel well enough to go in— and hadn’t told Richy what happened— made that sense of reassurance rather grim.

I told him about the attack, but something about the fact that she hadn’t done so herself when she’d talked to hit led me to talk him out of going to see her himself. They seemed so close, so the idea that she wouldn’t have gone to him for support struck me as strange. I needed to try to talk to her myself before letting him do it. She’d twice now mentioned it was someone in the group, had she noticed something yesterday?

When she finally replied, her helplessness, questioning what she did wrong, almost broke me again. I wanted to be in Duskwood again, this time for totally different reasons. I wanted to comfort her, to protect her from the asshole who had decided to pull her into a show he was creating for me. I would never forgive myself, knowing she got hurt just to send me a message. 

I got as far as looking up flights, wondering if I could split the price between multiple credit cards and if Jessy or Cleo had a couch I could crash on— or even Dan since he wasn’t using his apartment right now— before I was interrupted by Jake’s return.

I was too raw, too low at that moment to keep my frustration at his absence from bleeding through. I was surprised he apologized, but got upset again when he implied things were going fine anyway. None of this was what I’d call fine. 

When he said he read through my chats, I did get a bit nervous and wonder for half a second which he read, but managed to push that away faster than normal because I was still more focused on Jessy than on my stupid love life.

I hated revisiting the call, I hated remembering her on the ground with that mask above her. I managed it only by forcing myself to think of it as helping to find the man who did it and make him pay. Even still, the image swam in front of my eyes like I was seeing it all over again, and I shook my head in an attempt to clear it. 

Moving on to discussing Hannah’s behavior was a welcome respite for my overcharged nerves, and I grabbed on to the opportunity to lose myself in the mystery for a moment. Someone not only knew about Hannah’s trip to see Iris, but had been there with them. I couldn’t piece that together with Thomas’s description of her behavior, though. She was pushing away her boyfriend while also leaning on someone else for support as she faced her deepest demons? 

I was still trying to reconcile those when he brought up that Hannah likely didn’t have a lover. I cringed as I admitted my worries that he gave it to her, and while I knew I had bigger fish to fry at the moment, I couldn’t help but be a bit relieved that it seemed like we could rule it out safely. Why am I so determined to make this about me, holy crap?

It felt good to be fully on the same page again. Our minds worked in such different ways. Even when I was trying to play his part in our mismatched duo, it’d never been quite the same. 

I couldn’t be sure if I believed it, but when I was the only person who could make him laugh, I couldn’t even pretend to ignore the butterflies it gave me. I’d hate myself later, but it felt intimate, like maybe I did mean something to him.

The same feeling, but stronger, came just a moment later when he asked to keep talking. He’d never done that before, he’d always been the one to run at the first sign that either of us felt anything. And now, his nervousness and hesitation felt loaded to me. He always seemed to be someone who chose his words carefully, but now it seemed like he couldn’t find any at all and was scrambling to find some to keep the conversation going. Even though I had no way of knowing for sure that it was true, I felt warm at the idea. 

He’d been abundantly clear before about there not being an “us”, but in the charged silence, that wasn’t how it felt. 

There was nothing inherently funny about asking how someone’s day was, but the whole thing felt so absurd that it was. He was a government-wanted hacker on the run, and he was asking about my day? On top of that, he already knew. We’d discussed it, and he’d read all of my chats.  His complete lack of charm was, well, charming. 

His sudden free time and out-of-character interest in small talk confused me. I’d had a lot of experience with his disappearing act when I said something that made him uncomfortable, or annoyed, or just plain confused, but I couldn’t help but ask about it. The idea that he was getting distracted by thoughts of me blew my mind. It made sense on my end, being that when I wasn’t investigating kidnapping cases, I was mainly watching crappy TV and paying way too much attention to my friends on social media. 

The idea was almost cheesy, and if I hadn’t seen how bad he was at conversation several times already I’d be afraid it was just a line. Instead I clung to it, because it so closely matched what I felt, too. Willful ignorance is great isn’t it?

He told me about his pursuers’, about how close they were, and it terrified me. Why was he making small talk if they were so close? Shouldn’t he be doing something to protect himself?

When he asked if I was asking out of worry, I barked out a laugh. Had he been within reach, I’d probably have shaken him. Of fucking course I was worried. I’d made my feelings clear several times, including at this very moment. How could I not worry? Sure, he sounded confident enough when he said he wouldn’t let them separate us, but there was only so much he could do. Worse, there was absolutely nothing I could do. There was nothing I was worse at than doing nothing. 

As if to punctuate the sentiment, he disappeared in the middle of a sentence and didn’t return.

___

Despite my attempts to calm down and clear my mind, I was barely able to focus long enough to try the next number. Even knowing it hindered the investigation, I felt the usual flood of relief at the sound of a voicemail greeting. At least I got a name, right? Alan. Yet another unknown person to throw into the mix.

I knew I should move to the next contact, but I couldn’t bring myself to yet. So much had happened in the last 48 hours-- from Joe to Jessy to Jake. Stupidly, I startled laughing uncontrollably when I realized that nearly all of my concerns right now centered around the letter J. Even Hannah’s disappearance seemed to hinge on the mysterious Jennifer. 

Laughing kept me from crying, at least.

Sometimes, when I just can’t take the mess I’ve made of my own life, I stress clean. It’s rare— I hate cleaning, it makes me mad and frustrates me to spend so much time on something I know will be undone almost immediately. The dishes will just get used again, my bed will get unmade, the carpet will get covered in dirt. You just end up back at square one, and I just never felt the motivation or gave enough fucks to do it. But when everything else is totally out of my control, sometimes it felt good to see results.

So I spent the rest of my Sunday afternoon mindlessly scrubbing, alphabetizing, and reorganizing. I mopped, washed laundry, sanitized doorknobs. I scrubbed the toilet, figuring that one made the most sense after I’d vomited last night. By the time Annie walked in at 5, all of the common areas were sparkling.

She froze.

“Um, hi MC. How are you?” She tried to keep her tone light, but her eyes were wide as she took in spotless counters and clean soap smell. This had happened one other time since we moved in together, and it had been after we had a screaming match that lasted three hours and got the landlord called on us. 

I took off the rubber gloves and waved her off. “Took too much of my Adderall today, ended up in  hyperfocus. Thought I’d use it productively.”

She nodded skeptically, since usually hyperfocus for me meant watching the same episode of a show several times to spot all of the bad editing or finishing an entire game in one night. 

“You sure?” She asked after a moment. When I nodded, I couldn’t tell if she believed me, or was just too exhausted with my moods over the last couple of weeks to dig any further. Either way, she retreated into her room and I sagged a bit with the effort lying took.

I took her return as a sign to stop, and collapsed heavily onto the couch with a groan. My back had already been screaming from thrashing all night, and spending the day scrubbing and bending hadn’t helped that at all. I rubbed at my neck to try to loosen the muscles there.

I sent Jessy some puppy pictures and silly memes to hopefully cheer her up a bit. She didn’t reply, but I wanted to make her feel better. 

The message from the B&E Bunch almost came as a relief, or at least a distraction from the mess it seemed like everything else was becoming. Well, they were messy as hell, but at least their mess had yet to get anyone attacked or force them to go on the run. 

They were still on my shitlist, but really, who wasn’t these days?

Richy being involved came as a surprise, though. Despite the mark on his door, he’d been the least involved of the group, at least among those who weren’t in the hospital or busy slinging mud and ruining lives. 

His sudden interest had me on edge.

As I listened to their story, I went over to my work desk and grabbed a pen and paper. Jake had always been good about keeping track of everything, my job had just been to find it and make connections he missed. But now I needed to be playing both parts, and the headaches these people were giving me said that I’d be forgetting something if I didn’t write things down.

Whenever I write, I usually start with characters and let the plot fill in from what I think they’d do. So maybe if I pretended they weren’t real, that none of this was real, and just wrote what I knew, I’d come upon something?

Thomas- 

Boyfriend, possibly ex on route to reconciliation. Brought me into the group, voted for me to leave. Disappeared after body was found, broke in to find bracelet, believed she was having an affair. Police’s main suspect. My conclusion: Personality doesn’t fit M.O. Thomas reacts emotionally, retreats under stress, not prone to confrontation. Can’t rule out, but not likely.

Cleo-

Best friend, potentially jealous but no visible relationship fractures or clear motive. Brave and confrontational, to the point of irrationality and impulsivity. Supported my involvement from the beginning, voted for me to stay. Hid H and Thomas’s fight, seemingly protecting him. Runner, physically fit, able to jump a fence. My conclusion: rule her out. All signs point to MWAF being male.

Jessy-

Friend, unknown degree of connection. Originally seemed to be least interested/concerned, ultimately getting more involved. Possibly due to connection to me? Unknown. Seems to have hidden the least and gotten into the least shit of the group (is that suspicious?). Most seriously pursued MWAF from start, may be interest in horror or desire to not see culprit as a person. Attacked by MWAF. My conclusion: Rule out, MWAF is male and has attacked her.

Dan-

Friend, seemingly not close. Initially a suspect— seems to have less reputable connections. Helped with key which led to guilt. Implied legal trouble in the past (“least likely to suggest police”). Rarely thinks before speaking. Voted for me to stay. Claiming lack of responsibility in his accident, yet unproven. In hospital for much of the threats and recent attacks. My conclusion: short of multiple people involved, rule out entirely.

Richy-

Long time friend. H’s mechanic, oddly practiced when asked day H disappeared (remembered tip????). Initially kind but secretly reluctant to trust me. Said he had something to tell Jessy about me, never discovered what. Initially skeptical of MWAF theory, later marked. Abstained vote despite tie. Closest to Jessy, probably least likely to attack her. My conclusion: if the culprit is in the group, I believe him to be the most likely culprit. However, without a motive and in light of his being marked, it feels unlikely. Proceed with suspicion, but do mainly due to process of elimination.

Lilly-

Sister. Emotional, impulsive, protective of friends but destructive when angry. Likely knew most about H as sisters (were they close though?). Could be trying to deflect suspicion, but only started once threats started from group. Least involved in case, little spy mode activity— what has she been doing? Least accounted for. Hostile and distrustful from the start, knew Jake’s name and specific details— did she get it from H or elsewhere? My conclusion: Personally, want to punch her. Rationally, no evidence to suspect her. Hinderence to case, but MWAF is male.

Feeling like this was getting me nowhere, I instead made a page about the kidnapper.

MWAF-

Aware of me eary, before my number had time to spread around ( if message wasnt deleted from H’s phone, maybe saw it there, or even sent it himself). Hiding behind legend representing avenger of sin, sees himself as good guy/hero? Ramped up threats slowly, reluctant at first to cause harm. Sees me (and maybe Jake? Hasn’t mentioned him) as a threat. If he doesn’t see Jake as a threat, does he believe he would stop investigating if I were gone? Thinks I’m easier to scare? Sees me as primary instigator? Knew Cleo goes running, not exact route. Either knew Jessy was out or happened upon her (Carries mask? More likely knew or saw her earlier and went back)

Knows about whatever happened 10 years ago? H thought stalking was related to incident.

I couldn’t shake the feeling that it was there, that I had the major pieces I needed, and I was just missing the thread to tie it all together. But I couldn’t imagine what that thread could be. 

I didn’t want it to be any of the group, especially seeing it written out like this so coldly. I’d made the mistake of letting myself care, not just about Hannah but the people she surrounded herself with. Jake would be so disappointed.

But they weren’t just characters, they were my friends.

At least, I hoped they were.

___

Lilly’s declaration that we were asking for Jessy’s attack had my blood boiling. I knew it was my fault already, and nothing I could ever do short of catching this guy would ever fix that. Maybe not even that. But making it out to be her doing, that she deserved this in any way made me want to scream. Did she have no sympathy? Weren’t these people her friends? 

I stared at her message for a long while, then punched a pillow while picturing her face. I couldn’t do anything. I knew I had to keep my temper. I didn’t know what else she had on Jake, or what he said to convince her to delete the video, and with him on the run I just couldn’t take the risk of her posting it again.

But if I hadn’t wanted to fly across the world before, I certainly did now. Just to punch her. It would mean not eating for a month, but would be worth every penny.

I said nothing in the chat, trying to tell myself that taking the high road was the smart move. But I felt dirty for not defending Jessy, for not reminding her of the damage she’d done to Jake. For not just screaming in her face until she realized this wasn’t a fucking game.

But all I could do was bite my tongue. And save up because when I visited Duskwood, that bitch was going to hear from me. Or feel it. Or something. 

___

I kept searching through Hannah’s cloud and updating Jake to things from my chats as if he didn’t have access to it all anyway. I told myself it was going to make it easier and faster for him when he got back, but the reality was that I just missed him and hoped maybe he’d see it and reply. I wanted to think that he’d get back to me as soon as he could, but I was still insecure from his rejection before and even though we’d gotten closer since, he hadn’t exactly taken it back or made any steps to put a name to what this was.

God. He’s on the run and I’m worrying about defining the relationship. What the actual hell is wrong with me? “I know your life is at risk and every second counts, but like, what are we?” Fuck.

I shook my head and finally forced myself to call the next number on the call log, hoping for something useful.

Realizing it was Phil’s number came as something of a shock, and even more surprising was that she called him. Had I reassured Thomas about the lack of an affair too soon?

Considering the way he spoke about her to Cleo, I supposed Phil could be bitter or jealous. If she was as amazing as everyone said, I could imagine guys chasing after her pretty easily. But while sleeping around could fit some of the behaviors Thomas saw from her recently, it didn’t really jive with the rest of what we knew. She seemed focused on and distracted by her stalker in therapy, to the point that she’d pushed Thomas away. Phil maybe could be just another self-destructive behavior, sure, but it didn’t seem like she’d been in that state of mine in the recording. Though I had no date for when that had happened, and no information on her mental state beyond 2 minutes of a session with a long-standing therapist and some medication that a shit ton of people took. Not to mention, I wasn’t a psychologist, even if I’d been in therapy longer than it would take to get the degree.

I almost fell off my chair when Lilly texted me. I genuinely would have been less surprised by the MWAF showing up in my living room than I was by her starting a conversation with “hello”. I must have checked the contact info three separate times to make sure it wasn’t just a spoofed account or something. If Jake had ever made an actual joke in his life, I’d think it was more likely that he was pranking me.

Pausing to remind myself that I needed to wait until Jake was safe before I could unload at her, I decided to message someone I knew had no loyalty to her and would listen to me whine.

MC: Guess who just texted me.

MC: Fucking Lilly.

Paige, bless her, got back to me immediately.

Paige: The bitch who ran her mouth? What did she say?

MC: “Hello”.

MC: I haven’t said anything yet. I think I’m in shock.

Paige: Is she a masochist? 

MC: I mean maybe, but it’s more likely she knows I won’t risk pissing her off to avoid her starting shit again. 

Paige: Could be both. 🤷🏻‍♀️

MC: What do I say back?

Paige: Nothing

Paige: Or bitch her out.

Paige: I’ve got things over here set up to pull the trigger if you want.

MC: No, I need to avoid getting Jake into more shit remember?

Paige: I thought we were done with him and you were dating someone real.

MC: “We”?

MC: That was one date. We kissed, it was very good, but I told him I wasn’t ready to date.

Paige: Because of Jake…

MC: Yes, okay? I know I’m dumb, I don’t need you telling me, alright? But I really like him, a lot. Enough that my horny ass still turned down sex. So can you please, please stop telling me shit I already know about how dumb I am?

Paige: Fine. But if he hurts you…

MC: You’ll do what? 

Paige: Something, okay? I’ll figure it out.

MC: Okay sure, but I’m still deciding what to do about Lilly and that’s a now thing. 

I could almost hear her groan. Paige loved burning bridges, especially when they weren’t her bridges to burn.

Paige: Just tell her to fuck off.

MC: Not useful.

I waited a bit longer, then sighed and did what I’d probably known I was going to do all along.

Paige: What did you say???

Paige: MC?

MC: I said hello.

Paige: Why are you such a pushover?

MC: She said she needs my help.

Paige: What? Off a cliff?

MC: Maybe I should hear her out.

Paige: WHAT?

MC: I know. But if I was missing and Jake and Lilly showed up and just started messing with stuff, what would you do?

Paige: Not publicly accuse you of murder!

MC: Oh bullshit, you’d have kicked her ass twice already. 

Paige: Which is not posting a video about her being a murderer.

MC: 🙄

Paige: You can’t just act like she didn’t cause you a lot of problems.

Paige: If you can’t stand up for yourself, what about your hacker boy?

Paige: Isn’t he in like mortal danger or something?

MC: Wait she says it’s about him…

MC: And whatever connection he has to Hannah.

Paige: You still don’t know that?

MC: Lecture later please.

Paige: I hate being the Mom sister.

MC: I hate you doing it.

I paused long enough to search for the second half of the link. When had he sent that? How did he do it? Why didn’t my phone notify me? At this rate, when I visited Germany I’d be punching a lot of people. 

MC: I guess Jake decided we’d work together or something? 

Paige: Told you he’d hurt you.

MC: You know this wasn’t what you meant. 

Paige: Still messed up. 

MC: Maybe he saw our messages and decided if I could deal with you I could deal with her? 

Paige: That’s cold.

MC: 😘

I made myself a sandwich and talked to Paige a bit more while waiting for Lilly to come back. After all of her bitching about how we had to do it right away, she just leaves in the middle? Clearly she thought I had nothing better to do. And she was right, but she didn’t need to know that.

She wasn’t gone long though, and after some cajoling she started telling me about how Hannah knew Jake. 

Don’t make this about you, don’t make this about you.

It was really hard not to make this about me.

Paige: Has she come back yet?

I really wanted to tell her everything Lilly had said, about how close they had gotten, about how it was giving me way too much to dwell on with my insecurities over this gorgeous missing girl who knew so much more about the man I was falling for than I did. But somehow, that felt more like a Jake secret than a Lilly one, and I’d already promised to keep his secrets.

MC: No, not yet.

Paige: Well isn’t she generous with your time 🙄

When Lilly asked why I was allowed to put them at risk, I found I had no answer for her. The truth is, I really struggled with what I was doing, and if Cleo hadn’t been so determined after the threat video, if Richy hadn’t laughed through the mark, I probably wouldn’t be able to.  I wondered if telling her how close I came to coming to Duskwood after Jessy’s attack would do any good. Would she appreciate knowing that watching the culprit hurt my friends had given me nightmares, that I felt the weight and stress of this chipping away at me?

No, I couldn’t give her that much ammo.

MC: She’s back, one of the clues is Hannah’s cat?

Paige: Her cat?

Paige: I guess he did make this puzzle for you🐈

MC: I don’t think I told him I was a crazy cat lady.

Paige: It just oozes from you, Em Em.

MC: 🖕

Paige: 🤟

Paige: Puzzles though?

Paige: I guess at least you found a guy as nerdy as you.

MC: Okay, I object to that. He’s got to be way nerdier than I am!

Paige: Annie believed you when you said you know this group from a forum where you role play as other people for fun. 

MC: Annie would believe anything that makes me sound lame.

Paige: Because you’re lame.

MC: Okay, having a sister is the actual worst.

Paige: Go back and bend over backwards for Hannah’s then.

MC: I didn’t say I liked her either.

Paige: I bet you treat her nicer than you do me.

MC: I know where you live and you don’t have blackmail on me.

Paige: I 100% could come up with something if it means you being nice to me.

MC: Ugh.

MC: I’m about to get this girl lost.

MC: He might have figured out I love cats but he did not know about how bad I am with maps.

Paige: Well you said the kidnapper was in the forest right?

MC: I’m not that mean.

Paige: Not to her at least.

Paige: You’d definitely send me into the forest

MC: Well, she’s off getting lost and Dan’s bored enough to talk to me.

Paige: Was he the buff one?

MC: … I didn’t show you pictures of the guys.

Paige: Jessy did. 

Paige: I wanted to see what your other options were that you picked an international criminal over.

MC: Not sure it’s international, he just said “the government”. 

Paige: Then you haven’t googled enough. 

MC: Could you not? Search histories are traceable, you know.

Paige: Nope, I gotta. So what’s Dan saying?

MC: Calling me a damsel in distress and warning me awake from Jake.

Paige: Oooh, cute AND smart.

MC: I’m no damsel.

Paige: Being 5”2’ fools people until they learn what a pain you are.

MC: So what does that make you?

Paige: Fun sized!

MC: Ew, no.

MC: Oh he thinks maybe the mark on Richy’s garage was for Jessy. Makes more sense since she got attacked.

Paige: WHAT

Whoops. It was hard to keep track of what she did and didn’t know. I was starting to remember why I was so bad at lying— it took so much effort. Frankly, I was just too lazy to keep up with it all.

MC: I mean, there wasn’t a weapon or anything, I saw her get back up.

Paige: You saw the attack?

MC: We were on a call. Not the point, please stay with me Paige.

Paige: I’m texting her.

MC: She’s been resting.

Paige: I don’t care, I’m texting her.

MC: Let me know if she says anything.

MC: Oh Lilly’s back, hold on.

I answered Lilly’s call as we looked around. Despite knowing it was serious, I fell even more in love with Duskwood seeing how dense the forest was. Even with the danger, it looked beautiful.

MC: Ugh, I think we hit a dead end maybe.

Paige: You definitely got the girl lost. I say leave her but if you really care, double check your directions.

MC: Oh! That did something, thank you!

Paige: Told you. Clearly I’m the smart sister.

MC: I thought you were the pretty one?

The sticker Lilly found was just so clearly him that I couldn’t even imagine that he would trust someone else to put it up, no matter what Lilly said about weirdos on the internet. But the idea that he was in Duskwood, or at least close enough to make a pit stop as he fled, made me uncomfortable. He would have told me he was there, right?

Except, when has he told me anything? Hadn’t I just been worried about that? Jealous that Hannah knew so much and I’d had to practically beg for his name and hair color? He’d made it sound like even the tiniest bit of information was too risky to tell me. And his location was almost certainly the most off-limits.

MC: Lilly just asked if Jake and I were together.

MC: What do I say?

Paige: Well are you?

MC: How the hell would I know? He was so against it before and then last time we talked he said some really sweet things so I’m pretty sure likes me? 

MC: And I turned Joe down and everything.

MC: What if I say yes and he sees it and I’m wrong? 

MC: Holy shit. 

Paige: Isn’t he probably seeing you flip your shit like this then?

MC: Shut up. MC: I told you he doesn’t care about stuff that isn’t case related.

Paige: Just say yes. The boy made you a whole creepy puzzle, that’s romantic to nerds right?

MC: I don’t think romance is what he planned for this, Paige.

Paige: I don’t know your weird mating rituals.

MC: Nerds aren’t another species.

MC: Wait hold on someone else is texting me.

MC: Oh, it’s Jessy’s brother…

Paige: Ooh, he’s also cute!

MC: I regret introducing you to her.

Paige: No you don’t. 

MC: Wait, I think he’s flirting?

Paige: Real flirting or puzzle flirting?

MC: Real. He just called me cute. 

MC: I don’t even have a profile picture. He has no clue how I look.

Paige: Maybe Jessy showed him.

MC: I doubt it. 

MC: And if he could have heard the snort I made when he said it, he’d have realized how not cute I am.

Paige: You do have the worst snort.

MC: I don’t know what to make of the flirting.

MC: It could be a distraction, but he’s still answering the questions I’m asking.

Paige: Just enjoy it then.

MC: Didn’t you just tell me to declare myself Jake’s girlfriend?

Paige: I didn’t say flirt back! Paige: But it’s gotta be nice to not have to use a decoder ring to understand if he’s flirting.

MC: Haaaa well flirting over, he thought Hannah wanted to bang.

Paige: Don’t blame her.

MC: Ugh, Paige.

Paige: Oh come on you know tattoos do it for you too.

MC: That’s not the point even a little.

MC: He thought Hannah was cute, so there’s no way I’m his type anyway. So there.

Paige: Men can like tall skinny women and short fat chicks. 

MC: Whoops I think he’s flirting again.

Paige: Give him my number!

MC: No! Stop it.

Paige: You’re so against me getting laid.

MC: I refuse to facilitate it, you’re my baby sister.

MC: Apparently I’m supposed to stop by his bar if I go to Duskwood.

Paige: You’re taking me right???

MC: Stahp. MC: I’m too broke to go to Europe and so are you.

Paige: I’m just saying, you’re over here hitching your wagon to the ONE guy we don’t know is cute in this whole shitfest you’ve got yourself into.

MC: Oh my god, Richy is such a pure little unicorn, I can’t handle it. I just told him Hannah wanted to meet at Phil’s apartment and he couldn’t figure out what I meant.

Paige: So Jake isn’t the only virgin of the group?

MC: You’re really making me regret this you know.

Paige: You’re still here aren’t you?

MC: Oh, I guess Phil’s a womanizer.

Paige: Yes. He has a neck tattoo and runs a bar. That’s not the kind of man you talk to because you want romance.

MC: Well I like romance.

Paige: Puzzles aren’t romance. 

Paige: We really need to get you laid.

Rolling my eyes, I decided I had enough of Paige for one day. 

___

When I got into bed that night, a sense of longing settled in my chest. I was still mad about the rejection and secrets, insecure about how easily he’d opened up to Hannah but not me, and worried about my telling Lilly we were together, but I still missed him. For a long time now, we’d been talking pretty regularly, probably more than anyone other than Jessy. It was strange, having him gone. 

I was terrified for him, and I was sad for me.

MC: Hi. 

MC: I know you can’t answer, and don’t take any risks for me and message before you’re safe, okay?

MC: But it really sucks not to talk to you. 

MC: I can’t even figure out why if I deconstruct it. You’re so bad at small talk, but I find it cute somehow. 

MC: And I’ve actually had to look up words you use before to avoid making a fool of myself. Do you know how ridiculous that is? I went to college, I read and write. And I’m not quite as dumb as I seem most of the time. 

MC: The worst part is, it’s kind of hot. 

MC: Your whole shtick is both really creepy and really 2000s emo-deep. I guess that second one makes sense for me to be into actually, I always did like men in eyeliner.

MC: I don’t know anything about you, not really. I feel like I know you, but not the details of you. That doesn’t make sense.

MC: It’s like… I’ve been able to see who you are but not what you do, or what made you that way. 

MC: That might just be me trying to wrap my mind around getting involved with an internet stranger though I guess.

MC: Oh, I hope it was okay I told Lilly we’re involved.

MC: I thought maybe a label might make our whole thing seem less weird to her, maybe make her trust us a bit more.

MC: I wasn’t actually deciding for you that you’re my boyfriend or anything, I’m not that messed up.

MC: But I’m guessing you sent her after me for a reason so I’m trying to be nice you know.

MC: You owe me a drink though.

MC: I’m sorry for the spamming. But I miss you. 

MC: I hope this makes you happy and not just annoyed at the constant word buzzing and word vomit.

MC: But… Please be safe, Jake. I’ll be patient and try to do this on my own but you have to stay safe. Okay? 

MC: Goodnight, hope you actually get some sleep.

___

I kept up the trend of my one-sided conversations with Jake for a while after that. I usually tried to keep it case related, but sometimes when I felt the loneliness creep in, I’d ramble a bit. I could only tell myself that they were comforting but I always cringed in the light of day when I saw how I was throwing myself at him without even knowing if he’d ever be back or even wanted to hear from me. 

Jessy’s return to the investigation once I sent the book of legends had me almost in tears. I hadn’t even realized just how badly I’d missed her until she came back. I was so proud of her and her willingness to jump right back in, but so worried for her too.

Not for the first time, I resented the distance, and how it made it so hard for me to help do anything more than make trouble for the people I loved. 

Seeing Thomas’s messages to Hannah brought a sad smile to my face, but also made me feel pretty silly. Here he was, doing the same thing to his long term, serious girlfriend that I’d been doing to a man I’d never met, seen, or spoken to and had unilaterally decided and announced to Lilly that I was dating. Totally not desperate, right?

Okay, Paige was probably right about the daddy issues.

Once we realized that the number from Jake’s sticker was a contact, I added it right away. Immediately, I had to snort. Nym-0s was appropriately creepy, with the trademark red eye and mostly blank profile. I sent a few messages, but it went about as well as messaging the real Jake had recently.

Scratch that, once I sent the right code, this one replied. I needed to find the right one for Jake, I guess. I only knew his off codes so far.

I was embarrassed at how long it took me to get the password to the link the bot sent. Maybe I hadn’t wanted to be wrong. I thought back to what he’d said when we were looking for the doctor’s password, about how people tended to use the people and things important to them as their passwords. 

Risky as hell if someone was trying to hack in, but then again, who would really consider me an important person to Jake?

I watched his message several times, listening to the words, his tone, everything I could. It struck me that even with the distortion, it felt so real, nothing like the first time he’d called me. He said we’d see each other again, but the way he said it made it seem like he didn’t totally believe it. 

Could he really think this was goodbye?

Lilly’s disbelief had to surpass mine, considering it was her family image she’d just had shattered. I wasn’t a big enough person to put aside my own feelings to comfort her, but I could pretend. I could say the right things and let her… Jake’s sister… talk to me about her crumbling world.

But I was too selfish to hear past my own heart breaking. I could never forgive her if this video, distorted and hidden, really was all I had left of him. 

I tried to distract myself in the legends, I tried to do what he’d want me to. But my heart just wasn’t in it. By the time Doodle Friends was over, without me guessing a single one correctly, I was just angry.

Before I stopped to think about it, I was back to my one-sided ramblings to Jake.

MC: No.

MC: I appreciate your trust, even if you made me jump through hoops to get there. But I refuse to let that be the end.

MC: You didn’t just make that to tell me about Hannah, you made that to say goodbye and I don’t accept it.

MC: I’ll keep investigating. I’ll work with Lilly on whatever crazy scheme she’s coming up with to help you. I’ll make nice with her, for you.

MC: But I won’t let that be it. You’re coming back to me, bro. 

I meant that as a reference back to one of our first conversations, but I suddenly found it hilarious and found myself lost in a fit of rather hysterical laughter.

MC: Oh my god did you have the tiniest heart attack when I first called you bro?

MC: Sorry I thought you went full Star Wars, beyond just the voice I mean.

MC: Bet that was also awkward for you.

MC: Still. Get back here so I can make you uncomfortable. It’s my thing, I guess. 

___

Turns out, I was right. Lilly’s idea was crazy. I couldn’t imagine a world in which it would work, but damn it, I was gunna try.

I sighed and braced myself for Paige’s upcoming lecture.

MC: So, do you still have those contacts ready to do you a favor?

Jake, if this doesn’t tell you I’m falling for you I have no fucking idea what will. 

NEXT

[smileymoth]

it hurts so bad when he is on his own but then when he tries to fix it and it gets even worse because he can not fucking control himself. is he asleep, is he awake, no one knows. he's suffocating in his own grief and agony of self deprication and probably a coctail of meds. AND THE WAY HE DELIVERS those three last lines.... girl i'm kissing you on the mouth its so raw and out there from the rest of the opening of the song... that night the screaming hurt because it didn't come from him, it was someone else for once

"we find each other under blankets as warm as summer" is such a EASY lyric and it even rhymes so it's not even that rythmically complex, but the way he delivers it in the song makes me ascend into heaven forever and ever. as warm as summer. come on now... it makes summer warmth seem so comfortable even if it isn't (for me, anyway), is this the point? to make something so uncomfortably warm seem so heavenly??? am i the freak here who hates the sun??? (yes) "we are inseparable" INSEPARABLE. COME ON. AND YOU HAD TO RUIN IT.... the echo of the singing also sends shivers through my brain. it's somewhere far away from you but yet close because otherwise you wouldn't be hearing it... just like a dream, so clear yet distorted

this guy is describing a corpse like i an art student explain a still life painting. "we made it that way" shifting the blame. it was y o u who did it, not we. who is we. you killed them and now you are removing yourself from the situation because this is fine, it's all fine. it's just for the influence, an artist needs inspiration. they have more songs about death and inspiration... im so insane about this band. he's not grasping the situation, he thinks he's still falling in his dream forever but no it's wrong, it's done, it's done forever. "This coma kiss is infinite" no reason i just really like that line. a fluid and intricate dream also insinuates the fact that he remembers it crystal clear....

he's repeating it again, it makes me think he's somewhat grasping the situation but still in complete denial because oh it was so beautiful, death can't be beautiful. i am thinking about a soft green fleece blanket that looks like moss for no reason. he wrapped her up, drowned her, as she was bleeding out trying to stop it so now the blanket is soaked, she was struggling so it got everywhere. now she was the one who was suffocating, not him. "wrapped up in her" he might've been too delusional to realise what he was doing until it was too far gone and he had to make it final so he could never get rid of her even in death, so he made them inseparable from each other because this way they will always be connected.

it all got the better of him, his love became violent and too much, he betrayed himself and her by giving in to his dream like state. he know's he's delusional, that he's better left alone, he trusted himself too much and it landed him here.

morning arrived, it's still so fuzzy in his head he can't grasp it, the same song will have been embedded into his brain, their song, the only thing he could've heard. it's inseparable from the situation now, just like he and her... but the aftermath is grotesque, the ripped out hair, the smell of copper that will never leave. she tried to get out, the hair in the phone cord indicates, but he wanted it all for himself, he couldn't have anyone else nearby. it was a nightmare afterall, which figure would she have called upon if he had let her... he didn't want to find out. but now it's over and perhaps he doesn't know what happened. it was a nightmare not real life. something is wrong, so so wrong, why isn't she moving, why is there blood everywhere. heartrate speeding up yet skipping beats from the fear. something's not right. the fact that the music cuts out before the last line makes me think that it finally clicked, this wasn't a dream afterall

@pikslasrce never call me a coward again <3

@theslyvoid9 tagging you because ive been talking about this stupid song for months now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! moss and all!!!!!

DREAMING BY BOYS NIGHT OUT maybe ill finally be normal avbout this (lying) heres sleep deprived rambles of a song i am obsessed with.....

[wild-karrde]

CONGRATULATIONS KARRDE <3 <3 <3

if you have space left for your follower celebration i would LOVE some director's commentary!! i will, unsurprisingly, request something from in command, whatever part you'd like. if you want me to narrow it down a bit, i'd love to hear more about chapters 8, 12, or 13. but again, talk about whatever part you want!!

-- @cyarbika <333

BEEEEEEE THANK YOOOOOU!!! I honestly get so thrilled at your excitement about In Command, and am more than happy to blather about it at any given opportunity (*resists the urge to apologize for being annoying* see this is GROWTH). I might... do chapter 8? If that's ok? Mainly because I feel like I've shouted at you and other commenters a LOT about went on in my head for Ch. 12 and 13 (but also will absolutely do more given the opportunity).

Putting under a cut since it's got some spoilers. Also, heads up for mentions of attempted sexual assault (which takes place in this specific chapter).

OK OK OK so for Chapter 8, on this go-around I REALLY wanted touch to be a theme in the chapter. Rex and Senna have been often classified as "touchy feely", and I honestly lean into that a lot in my writing because I think that shows how much they immediately trust one another and how comfortable they are around each other.

At the beginning of the chapter, we see Senna frustrated because she feels like Rex is recoiling from her, and to her, that feels like she's done something wrong or that he's withdrawing that trust/comfort a bit. That frustrates her for several reasons (some of which she's still VERY MUCH in denial about), but we see how quickly that frustration shifts after she wakes Rex up from his nightmare.

Suddenly, she's also withdrawing now, but it's because she's having what I think is a pretty natural response to violence (even if it was completely unintentional on Rex's part). She still wants to trust Rex and be that comfortable around him, and to an extent, when she stays to sleep with him that night, it's her really trying to make things feel normal, even if they just don't. She knows, deep down, that wasn't Rex in the moment, that he wasn't being violent towards her, but she still withdraws and is rattled. Rex has been her first source of comfort in over a year, true comfort (not like her failed romantic endeavors), and the fact that she doesn't find as much of that comfort in him after that moment is hard for her.

And then here comes Fisk. I really did want to make him more awful on this go-round, and I feel like I've managed to do so. He really is a culmination of every guy that I've ever thought I had a handle on in terms of intentions. I unfortunately kind of think that's a widely-felt experience where you walk into a situation with a guy that you feel you've set a clear boundary for, or that you think surely won't do that thing, but then he lets you down. You may not even like the guy (like Fisk), but you at least figure you can handle him, that you can hold your own. Not that Senna necessarily expected much out of Fisk, but she did have some level of expectation that he'd adhere to her boundaries, and if she pushed back, he'd back off. And then he doesn't, and suddenly, she realizes she's completely misjudged the situation. In that moment, she does what a lot of us do in these situations: blames herself and considers the outcome something she has to bear because of her miscalculation (which no, fuck Fisk and every dude like him... this was admittedly a bit therapeutic in that respect). And at this point, even with her and Rex struggling slightly, Senna is still willing to do whatever is needed to keep Rex safe.

And then there's Rex, and in this moment, even with the turmoil between them, Senna finds comfort in his touch. Because even if things weren't clearly evolving romantically between the two of them, Rex would never do that to someone, and she knows that. He'd never hurt her in the way Fisk did, would never demand something of her that she didn't feel comfortable giving (oh hey parts of Ch. 14 how did you get here?). He's safety and comfort and gentleness that she hasn't felt in a year, even with the bruises on her throat. The one silver lining of this entire interaction with Fisk is that he cements that in her mind, that Rex is all of those things. This is the point where she starts to think about how nice it is to allow herself this, to think about what it's like to have someone in her life providing those things, and how she feels about it.

For Rex, this is also a moment where he realizes how much Senna cares for him (even if it's not explicitly romantic yet). This is a person that would do just about anything to keep him safe, and for him, he can count the non-clone people that would do the same on one hand. He's always been a protector, and to have someone go to that length to protect him? It's definitely not something he's used to, and it absolutely has a massive impact on him. I really wanted this to put things in perspective for him, for him to have this moment of epiphany where he really starts to examine his feelings for Senna and how those are changing and what they mean. Because yes, he'll do just about anything to keep her safe, but this time, it's not because she's a brother or because he sees her in the same way he sees Ahsoka. I really wanted to lay some seemingly innocuous breadcrumbs (like him blowing on her wrists) that would amount to more in the next chapter, because he's in deep and is just now starting to realize it.

Anyway, I've rambled enough (and to think I was originally gonna try to cover all three chapters you mentioned...). But THANK YOU AGAIN FOR THE KIND WORDS AND ASK, THE LOVELY COMMENTS THAT YOU LEAVE, AND JUST FOR BEING YOU, BEE! I APPRECIATE THE HECK OUT OF YOU!!!

Thanks for participating in my 800 Follower Celebration!