#i did have a really violent nightmare about her the other night. that fucked me up...

[non-un-topo]

Why does instagram keep giving me videos about grandparents like does it want me to fall on the floor sobbing today

[igotanidea]

Voices: Jason Todd x reader

Dreaming was good.

Dreaming was nothing less of a perfect when she could feel his warm body next to her. The strong, protective embrace of his arms wrapped around her.

Or even if they got into a fight and were angry at each other - it was calming knowing that Jason was right beside, just a touch away. Even if he flinched and scoffed at the gentle move of her fingers on his back or shoulders. sooner or later he always relented and they worked through whatever shit was going on.

Together.

But dreaming was not always good.

Not when she woke up in the middle of the night, brutally torn from the very vivid and very real nightmare of Jason's dead, lifeless body in her arms. His blood on her hands and face. His empty, cold eyes. His emotionless face.

NO!!

The jolt was so sudden that even her cat, sleeping peacefully in the foot of the bed run away form her, leaving poor girl completly alone.

alone.

Going to bed alone. Every night.

Waking up alone. Every morning.

Deprived of his touch, his kisses, his love and affection.

Any affection.

And maybe she was acting like a whiny baby, but she needed him with her. Not out there. Not fighting crime lords or whatever villain might have shown his face at Gotham.

3 am....

Please come back home....

4 am,

5 am.....

Was he injured? Was he bleeding, hurt, scared? Maybe he took off running? Maybe he got back together with one of his exes? Artemis? Kori? Rose?

Maybe she wasn;t good enough for him? Maybe he realised he actually wanted some badass vigilante chick with toned muscles, sharp tongue, fiery attitude? Maybe he wanted someone hot?

She wasn't hot.

She was a wimp, shuddering in the cold, empy bed desperately craving her boyfriend presence. Be it bruised or in bad mood, but please --

Please come home.

I'll be better, I'll do better, I'll improve.

I'll be what you want me to be, just please don't leave me.

So far from what a modern woman should be, right? Codependent, fragile, weak, vulnerable, pathetic.

Or maybe just in love with a vigilante.

How did it happen that she got from worrying about him to questioning her whole lonely exsistence in 10 minutes?

He doesn;t want you.

You're ugly.

You're fat.

You're unnatractive.

You really thought he would stay with you? did you already imagine the real-life play-pretend with him? White dress? Picket white fence? Familiy?

You stupid little girl.

He doesn;t want you, he never wanted you, he won't ever want you.

"SHUT UP!!!" she cried out in frustration, tears rolling down her face as her demons started to prey on her like on a Goya painting "Shut up! shut up! shut up!" she shook violently.

"Are you talking to me now?" a familiar voice and the sound of discarded red helmet echoed in her head "Damn Y/N! If there's anything you learned during those years it's definitely developing a good hearing-- Baby?" Jason became alarmed the second he took in her state. "Baby? Y/N? What happened? WHO HURT YOU?!"

It was impossible for Jason to keep his cool when he saw her crying. The first thought popping into his head being someone did something to her. Someone caused this. And the fact that it was 5 a.m. and most people were sleeping and that there was no one but them in their apartment slipped his mind, clouded by the incoming wave of rage

"Give me the name baby.' he took a few step forwards, kneeling on the floor next to bed and cupping her chin forcing her eyes on him "tell me who did this to you."

"You did!" she sobbed

"I--" holy fuck! In his blinding fury and the sudden need for revenge he didn't realise she could be sheding those crocodlie tears because of him.

"Why are you leaving me?" she sobbed

"Why am I --?" Y/N was not making any sense right now "I'm not--"

"Liar!" the girl yelled with surprising strength given her fragile state "You think she's hot, don't you?"

"Who?"

"Your ex!"

"My ex? Y/N, princess, why don't you calm down and--"

"I AM COMPLETLY CALM!" now Jason was almost sure that the neighbours were already up, ready to impale them both on pitchforks and uncovering his secret identity.

"Ok, ok, baby..." he raised his hands in surrender, observing her every move and slightest change in face expression.

This was new. This was something he wasn;t entirely sure of how to proceed with. Out of all the opponents he had to fight never in his mind would he thought that his girlfiriend would be the most challenging.

Was this an attack of hysteria? A panic attack? An anxiety fit?

Jason was way too familiar with all that.

What if it was him? What would she do if he woke up in the middle of the night, jittery for no particular reason? What could possibly be helpful?

And then it dawned on him.

And it all happened at once.

Bed dipping, his weight on her, his hands on her body, his breath on her face and the all-encompasing smell of blood, gunpowder and cigatettes.

Soft caress of her hair.

Gentle peck on her nose.

Developing too fast to give her any time to object, not that she wanted to.

"I got you." he whispered pulling her closer to his chest, not caring about the bruise that was already forming on his right side and that cut on his forearm. She was more important now. "I got you, baby, I got you..." he kissd her forehead warming and calming her by the mass of muscles and bythe rapid but steady beating of his heart.

she was still shaking but the firm yet gentle grip on her refused to let go untill it all subsided. Steading her, anchoring her in reality. Helping her realise that whatever her traitorous mind suggested had nothing to do with actuallity. Even if it took days, weeks, years, Jason was not going to move, keeping her pinned to his chest until being full certain she was back to him, having her full attention.

"Do you think I'm ugly....?" she muttered causing him to laugh, the movement of his body causing vibrations.

"I think you should get some proper rest. Otherwise the next thing you're going to ask me is going to be that "if i was a worm..." question."

"Bbut if I was a worm would you--?"

"Hush, woman!" he cut her off with the cheesiest smile "I had a rough night and need to sleep. Which means you are stuck with me for as long as I please."

"are you--?"

"I said, hush woman." he tightened the hold on her, preventing her from squirming and moving too far. "you're my body pillow now, accept your fate."

"are you hurt?" she whispered

"I'm perfect." he whispered back, closing his eyes and drifting off to sleep.

Making all the hateful voices in her head shut up. Bringing in the silence and peace.

But the talk he was going to give her in the morning would be a capital letter one.

Ugly.

Huh. She had no idea what measures he was going to resort to proving her wrong...

[ineed-to-sleep]

I love ur Vtm ocs! If ur still doing the vtm ask game, could you do 12,13,14, and 16 for Vince and Pepper? I love learning the lore behind them

Ofc anon!! I love talking about them <3 <3

12. What happened that led up to their embrace?

I'm currently working on a little comic that shows the night of Pepper's embrace, actually!! So if you'd like to wait, a lot of the context will be shown there :3

(Some sneak peeks in the meantime 👀)

But if you'd like me to give you the summary for Pepper either way, basically what happened is that she was murdered by the Southland Slasher(not a planned murder, more like an accident), and then saved by Vincent through the embrace. Pepper was originally a bartender from San Diego who Vincent met while visiting the city, looking for a missing person. Now, the why of his reasons is a long story, but the gist of it is that Vincent became friends with Pepper and started falling in love with her, but never told her how he felt nor the truth about him being a vampire. Pepper had a crush on him but never told him either. He went back to LA after a couple of months and they didn't see each other for six months, until Pepper came to visit him after getting fired from her bartending job. They hung out in Santa Monica, ended up at the pier in the late hours, and just had the bad luck of being there in the same night as the Southland Slasher. A fight broke out, Vincent got flung the fuck off the pier, and Pepper got bloodsucked to death by a big werewolf-vampire thing. Pepper doesn't remember what happened after that, she only finds out later when she meets Vincent again(after she goes to the Downtown area of LA), but basically she got embraced by him and the slasher got framed in his place.

For Vincent, his embrace happened because his sire(Caroline) was a Camarilla spy in LA in the 80s who was looking for someone to be her pawn and spy on the Anarchs for her. She picked Vincent because he was what she considered to be a good blend of smart and easily manipulable people-pleaser 👍🏻 she disguised herself as a college teacher and picked him among her students, tricking him into believing he was getting picked for an exclusive internship while it was actually just an invitation to the hell of being Caroline's childer. So she embraced him on campus, forced him to isolate himself from family and friends, and then, yk, put him through the torment nexus.

13. Was their embrace painful? (Either emotionally or physically)

For Pepper, yep, it was very painful. Really traumatizingly painful, but also emotionally scarring. Throughout all of VTMB she's basically dealing with the trauma of being violently killed. It's an experience she can't forget and is definitely showing signs of ptsd from, but she has no idea that that's what that is fjkdkskf she's just trying to make it to the next night while having nightmares and an inexplicable fear of being attacked paired with a fixation on learning 1001 ways to punch people, as well as a constant creeping feeling that she's not safe. Inexplicable. No idea where that's coming from.

For Vincent it wasn't violent, but it was very emotionally painful. Caroline basically ripped his life away from him, his goals and dreams and loving relationships, all in favor of making him into her little errand boy. He was starting to build a good life for himself, and now he'll never be able to get that life back.

14. How did they initially feel after being embraced? Did they like being reborn into something new or did it take them a while to cope with their new reality?

OH I accidentally answered part of this one in the answer above fjfkkckck but basically they both felt conflicted and it wasn't something they initially liked. Pepper did grow to enjoy some parts of it, and in the end she actually felt a bit glad that it happened, because she'd been feeling pretty empty about her own life before all this, and becoming a vampire changed a lot of things and in a way gave her a new sense of purpose and power she severely lacked before as a human. For Vincent, he's never been happy that it happened, but he's adapted over the years and now just feels like pre-embrace Vincent was a completely different person than who he is now. A different person, a different life, like that was a completely different reality- not better or worse, just different.

16. How good are they at acting "alive"?

Pretty good I'd say! They both have high humanity and blush of life doesn't take much out of their blood so they have that shit On most of the time jfjsjfjv Vincent can even ingest food and drink and hold it in for a while. He does have to puke it out after a little bit tho, but mostly it helps him keep up appearances. Pepper could technically do the same thing but she thinks it's too gross dlfdfld

(also, I just generally have some headcanons for blush of life fslfjsl I know it's not 100% lore compliant but I headcanon that they can just have it on most of the time without thinking too much about it unless they're hungry or frenzying. mostly bc of aesthetic and convenience reasons djkfhkfd it's easier to blend in and easier to tell when they're hungry/frenzying through visual signifiers. I hc lower humanity vamps as having to actively use blush of life tho and that it takes more out of their blood. I also hc the 'no sex' rule away. if they were horny before, they're still horny now. I rest my case 😤)

[stabbyfoxandrew]

hi! can I have some angel Neil this week?

—💖💖

WIP Wednesday (9/18) | Guardian Angel Neil AU (Part 236)

"No. I was just making sure," Andrew says, aiming for nonchalance. Neil doesn't look particularly convinced and now Andrew worries he's accidentally granted himself an angelic audience for tomorrow's session. Damn. Andrew licks his lips. Time to lie. "I am going to talk to her about the nightmare I had the other night. I wanted to be sure you wouldn't listen."

Neil's eyes widen minutely, then he nods. "Good. You should talk to her about it," he says, taking Andrew by surprise.

"I thought you didn't believe in therapy."

"I don't. But you do. And I could feel how much that dream affected you, Andrew. It feel like you needed me, it felt like I needed to wake you. But then you woke yourself up and came up here and tore your brother a new one." Neil says, making Andrew cringe internally. He really hadn't meant to go berserk that morning, but Aaron's a fucking idiot. (And no matter what Neil says, they're twins. They're the same.)

Neil moves to sit back up and stretches his arms over his head. "All I'm saying is it must've been bad."

"It was."

"So, if you can't talk to me about it you should talk to her. Maybe she's got the magic cure for recurring dreams."

"Recurring." Andrew repeats. 

“Isn’t it? I’ve felt you have nightmares before.” Neil says. Andrew isn’t sure. He's never thought about it much. He's never tried to label the horrible things his brain makes him relive when he goes night-night. But he supposes Neil could be right. Is it recurring when the places and faces and sheets are sometimes different? Does he actually need to talk to Bee about this? (Probably.)

"I used to have a recurring nightmare when I was a little kid. It was about a clown," Neil offers randomly.

"What?"

"Yeah. It would come into my bedroom and just stand there in the doorway, staring at me with a bloody knife in its hand. Sometimes it would laugh, but usually it was deathly quiet," Neil says, trying to suppress a shudder. He fails and shivers so violently Andrew can feel it. A moment later, Neil makes a face as if something's occurred to him. "Come to think of it that might've just been my father playing a prank on me."

The easy way Neil says it has Andrew choking on a badly-timed laugh. He coughs at Neil's look. "How fucked up of him."

"Oh yeah, he was real fun like that. It's not the worst thing he ever did though," Neil says with a shrug. Andrew looks at Neil for a moment, then glances down to where the hem of his jeans has rolled up, revealing a thick scar around Neil's ankle. It matches the ones Andrew's seen on his wrists. He very nearly asks about it, but forces the question off his tongue because he swore he'd never ask.

Instead he sighs and accidentally lets, "Honk honk," slip past his filter.

Neil gives him a quizzical look. "What was that? Are you a goose now?"

"No. Don't clowns honk?"

"I... My father didn't."

"Never mind then."  Andrew says, looking to the side. They're quiet for a moment, then Neil is sputtering laughter. 

"Honk honk." He says, devolving into a fit of giggles. Andrew can only watch, awe-struck and mesmerized at the sound. When Neil covers his face with his hand and starts to settle down, Andrew says it again and laughs with him until he can't breathe.

[blueberrypancakesworld]

Found back together through love

John Allerdyce x mutant!reader

warning : fluff, comfort, kissing, mention of killing and other violent things that happen in battle, no use of y/n, reader is female

Summary : Together they had disbanded and should have emerged together in the void instead separated from each other for an unknowable amount of time not seeing each other two mutants find themselves reunited in a final battle through love and a lot of dead people.

info : Thank you thank you for THIS incredibly sweet idea from @thefandomqueen2882 that I was allowed / able to realize your idea I wish you a lot of fun and see you next time

ps : The gif of him just so pretty like fuck me

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Together they could have had it all in the end according to John back when they met, when he had proclaimed the brotherhood of mutants together with Magneto and hundreds if not thousands of oppressed mutants followed him, she was there too.

A young mutant his age, a runaway like him, a mutant who wanted the same thing, to feel bigger and stronger in a society that had failed her.

A similar goal that Magneto and the Brotherhood would also be heading for and so she had joined not only because of that but also because it was John who had followed her, she remembered, out into the night she was about to disappear into a portal when his flame lay between them, warming and illuminating them both, ,,That's a hell of a gift, a beautiful portal,” was the first thing he had said to her when they had faced each other like that.

It was the first of many praises and flatteries but most of all recognition of her powers even Magneto took care of her….but all this seemed so long ago so long ago since she had seen other people, seen a real city hell she would love to see the X-Men again knowing they were friendlier than anything here.

Her hand lay on her stomach as it always did when she was thinking, her thoughts circling back and forth to that moment, a moment when she hadn't reacted fast enough I wish I'd gone faster just once she thought, looking out of the small makeshift window at the forest, the moment like a nightmare, like a shadow always with her.

The years after the final battle they had both been rescued by the X-Men to avoid being destroyed by Jean had even stayed at the school for a week but everyone knew that the firebender and the portal creator weren't cut out for this and in a brief but heartfelt goodbye they had disappeared through one of their portals.

John had taken her hand, ,,Our own grand adventure starts now,” he said and she saw the joy in his eyes as they reappeared in an as yet uncharted town and went to explore, he gave her a kiss on the cheek for her strength and life was actually really nice.

They explored cities, got around, helped mutants in need, of course John would never admit that and they just happened to be there, even saving people once, the tragedy of Jean and the destruction could not happen again, they both agreed.

Until decades later, almost twenty years later, they apparently rescued the “wrong” man from a car that had crashed and they used a portal to lift him up while John took care of the flames, or so they thought.

They had appeared so quickly that they had hardly realized that they weren't humans or mutants, ,,Step back from this person!” a man in uniform demanded, pointing at the vehicle that was still threatening to fall down, of course they were both too sure of themselves, they had been through a lot and they certainly weren't going to retreat now.

A mistake.

The biggest mistake of their lives when they both fought back, when they wanted to stand up for something and John threw the first flames at the unknown while she moved him around with her portals.

But she hadn't seen one of them, it had been enough for one of them to sneak up on her and she had been too late to put the stick down, but before she was the first to disintegrate she saw John in front of her.

The look of acceptance as he put his hand to her cheek and he dissolved before her eyes before she could even react, the staff pierced through John into her stomach and she disappeared too, however many years ago she was now here in the void, ,,Don't worry about it again we'll find him” she heard once more the encouraging words of Elektra who put a hand on her shoulder.

Since she had landed hard on a rooted forest floor an unknown time ago, after a few days of walking around, she had come across the house and especially these four friends, friends who were now like a family to her, somehow surviving in this hell day by day.

,,Yes, that would be nice,” she replied weakly and moved away from the seat by the window to help herself to the alcohol, or rather she was about to when Laura came into the house with two new unconscious men covered in blood.

Two men who not only had a mission, but two crazy mutants who would live forever, killing each other. ,,I think they can help us…Logan at least,” the dark-haired woman said, looking at a version of Logan that wasn't hers, yet she seemed to feel a certain connection.

In fact, after waking up, destroying bottles of alcohol and making fun of Gambit's accent, the group came to a decision. They had already lost too much to have anything else to lose.

Which is why only a day later, with a hope in their hearts, a hope and above all a determination in them as they sat squeezed together in the Honda Odyssey on the way to the nefarious Cassandra, the one place she had never been, at least from the known places she knew.

He had given it to her when they had spent their first night together, ,,Think of it as a kind of wedding ring,” he had said jokingly at the time, giving her the lighter with a kiss, but now she would like to be in this moment again, maybe when she died, maybe she would see him again.

With these thoughts and hopes, they broke through the front gate and found themselves inside Deadpool shouted an announcement before he and Logan chased after the bald woman while the family stayed behind, never so sure of one thing as Laura stabbed first and all hell broke loose.

Laura's claws dug into the bodies of the mutants, Elektra's sai's skin ripped open, Gambit made an explosion of humans into humans and Blade had as much fun as she had in the time before nothing and in the chaos she too was a bright portal after others opened and closed body parts cutting her off and heads lying on the ground until she saw fire.

Fire could have just been the elemnt burning itself out untamed but when she saw the flame arcing around corners trying to set Elektra on fire her eyes searched in panic for the cause.

It could only be one, only him…was it possible? She used her portal to deflect the fireball, always failing to spot the person until someone lunged at her, this time she reacted quickly enough before she could hit the ground, creating a portal beneath her and disappearing into it.

She felt her hands around her neck and her angry panicked gaze met blue brown eyes that suddenly seemed to pause, the man who was on top of her the dark dirty outfit fuzzy hair and yet she would always recognize him, ,,John…it's you…you're alive” she said and her hand came off his wrist and lay shakily against his cheek.

She saw how the brown-haired man took a moment to write the fight down when he suddenly took his hands hastily from her neck and clasped her hand before she felt lips on hers, stormy and demanding, but his equally shaky hands that didn't seem to let go of hers told her that he was close to tears too.

Getting off her he sat beside her, ,,You've been here all this time I-I thought I'd lost you” he admitted his lips kissing her hand which he finally managed to hold again as he pulled her close her shaky tearful breath left her as she just let him hold her, feeling his warmth again.

,,I'm here John I'm sorry I would have hurt faster then I-” but he interrupted her shaking his head and brushing her tears away with his fingers ,,You gave it your all I mean we escaped fucking Cassandra you did great my love trust me nothing will happen to us now" he assured her stroking her cheek pulling her slowly onto his lap as he held her enjoying his warmth and now seeing for the first time they were back on wooded ground.

But this relief was nothing compared to knowing John was alive with her, ,,I love you,” she almost heard the three words from him as she closed her eyes just as she felt his lips on hers again, ,,I love you even more my flame,” she returned his words and snuggled up to him again as John held her safe and the two mutants could lie in each other's arms again.

Now that their hopes were raised they were together again they would never be separated again and who knows maybe one day they could find a way out of this and pick up where they left off together in love.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

@psychoblaster

[contentloadingandstuff]

Fluff Headcanons - Spooky gaming with the genshin characters!

A/N: The fluff version of the Halloween special, and a bit of a new format. I hope you enjoy!

C/W: Modern AU, swearing, game-typical violence.

Alhaitham

This year, Alhaitham wanted something less conventional. Something that would really engage his mind with interesting commentary about society and the world at large, but still retain some of that spooky vibe. 

Cruelty Squad easily caught his attention with its assaulting graphics and interesting premise. It clearly begged for attention, and he was willing to humor it. 

It was precisely what he was looking for, and what an answer it was. Alhaitham had no trouble adjusting to a more corporate mindset.

Alhaitham: The super AI emerges from an extremely pornographic ultra hyper suck and fuck…

Kaveh: Um… What? What are you talking about?

Alhaitham: You don't understand, Kaveh. Everything that surrounds us? It's Gorbino's Quest. The Gorbino's Quest... of life.

Ganyu

The poor little cinnamon roll isn't that much of a horror fan. Violence and death generally unsettles her, but Ganyu still wants to feel some of that holiday spirit. 

After a lengthy deliberation, Ganyu chose Little Nightmares. The graphics are quite pleasing to the eye, it is horror, but not so horrible and violent. At least that's what she heard.

Ganyu: Oh, look! It's a Nome, right? And it's offering me food… How nice of it! Um… Oh n-no! Why would you d-do that?!

Amber

The great outdoors with a horror theme? Count her in!

Amber made sure to avoid spoilers to have the full, unprecedented The Forest experience. The landscape is so serene and peaceful… The freedom of movement, the sounds of nature and the survival elements are so fun and relaxing!

True, there are some hostile people on the island, but they seem harmless enough.

Until the night falls…

Amber: Wait… What's that? That doesn't look human… Did it just birth out… Ew… Yikes! It's coming at me! 

Suffice to say, Amber stuck around until more or less the moment when you have to chop up bodies and make effigies out of the parts.

Beidou

Alcohol, hard rock and murdering demons with big guns is how Beidou plays on Halloween, so she'll gladly hop on Doom Eternal.

There's nothing better than impaling a snake demon's head with its own broken arm, right as the beat drops. 

Beidou: Life has enough undefeatable horrors. Let's just have some fun tonight!

Ningguang

The old ones are the good ones! Ningguang doesn't play a lot of video games, but she did like a few titles back in her younger days. 

On this special occasion, Ningguang got a box of her old possessions to dig through, and found the original Dungeon Keeper on CD. 

Everything is just as she remembered it was. 

Ningguang: Oh, these imps… They are the perfect workers, aren't they? They don't eat, sleep, need vacation, have a social life, and they work harder when you slap them. Ah, if only I had them as my subordinates…

Keqing: *narrows eyes*

Kokomi

Another fan of the retro side of games, Kokomi enjoys a good tactical challenge - developing the ability to conjure small scale plans is as important as improving the grand ones.

Her pick is Myth II: Soulblighter. It’s a brutal, unforgiving RTS with a distinctively dark atmosphere - just perfect for the season at hand.

Even when Halloween comes to a close, Kokomi will find it hard to drop the game. The insanity that is Legendary is quite addictive indeed…

Kokomi: You here… You here… And now the crescendo!

Game: “Move here move there…”

Game: “Catch!”

Game: *explosion*

Game: “Casualty.”

Kokomi: Oh. Change of plans, I guess…

Yae Miko

Upon hearing of the wonderful possibilities for tormenting the other party, Miko didn't hesitate to bring out the Mora for Dead By Daylight and all of its DLC. 

Though it was quite fun at first, the ugly nature of the game soon surfaced. As none of her friends were brave enough to delve into this swamp, she was forced to join up with random people, who frequently threw the games. 

Such a combination was enough to make even such an ancient and wise kitsune lose her absolute cool.

Ei: Why are you crouching behind that tree, Miko?

Miko: The killer has caught one of my teammates, and I will release them by ambushing them with a flashlight! 

Miko: Come on… Now! You didn't expect that, did y- What?? Lightborn?! Again?! Who even plays it nowadays?! Oh, you daft, blind motherf-

Ei: Miko!

Miko: Oh… Hm. Sorry. I got a little carried away. But that's sooo unfair, isn't it? Why would they add a perk that cancels a whole mechanic? I can't believeitthegameissokillersided…

Xiangling

Xiangling absolutely didn't look forward to Halloween, especially with Hu Tao around. She just can't take horror, at all, of any kind, ever. Especially jumpscares.

She still couldn't believe that she agreed to play a horror game, let alone one suggested by the director. The one and only Five Nights At Freddy's at that.

Much to Hu Tao's amusement, she didn't even make it past Night 1. Xiangling was thoroughly spooked, and after being jumpscared once she completely refused to keep playing. 

Seeing Xiangling so terrified made Guoba very upset, and Hu Tao quickly apologized to avoid being roasted by the angry god. 

Hu Tao: So he killed the kids, but then! Their souls escaped their robot prisons and made an old spring lock suit crush him to death! WoOoo~

Xiangling: Ah! Hu Tao! No more! 

Guoba: Nane na! Grr…

Hu Tao: Oh, don't fret little Guoba! I'm just joking!

Zhongli

Morax always had trouble catching up with the latest cultural and technological trends of the humans. Sure, he can use a computer more than well enough, but he finds third and first person video games confusing. The gameplay is most often too fast and rapidly changing for him to be up to speed with it, let alone enjoy it. 

Throughout all of his exponentially long life, nobody was as persistent in including him in the festivities as Hu Tao. She tried to convince Zhongli to play something horror-related, but he was assertive. So, the director decided to find a game that would suit his liking - an indie title. 

Her pick fell on Water Womb World - it's simple mechanically, is quite disturbing and has an interesting concept. 

Much to her surprise, Zhongli thoroughly enjoyed his fifteen minutes with the game, even if he didn't find it very scary.

Zhongli: Ah, I agree with the message of this title. The blind belief in deities can lead to fanaticism, which breeds regress rather than progress. I do think that a more healthy and critical approach to Rex Lapis' rule would be beneficial to our current day society. Especially that the age of gods draws to an end…

Hu Tao: Aiya! Do you have to turn everything into a lecture, Zhongli? You're not my grandpa, are you?

Hu Tao

An avid enjoyer of the spookfest, Hu Tao decided to pick something hitting closer to home this year - Mortuary Assistant.

The gameplay loop feels great! Just like in her line of work, just without the smell. She's having the time of her life preparing the corpse for burial. And hunting the demon. That's also quite cool!

Hu Tao: *hums while wheeling the corpse into the crematory* 

Game: "Are you sure?"

Hu Tao: Yup! I know your tricks more than well. Aiyaya, you could try something more interesting next round! Furnace time~

Game: *sounds of fire and demonic screaming*

Hu Tao: Toodle-oo~

Bennet, Noelle, Fischl, Razor

A few weeks before Halloween, Bennett mentioned a game night, since he couldn't be there in person. Noelle, diligent as ever, picked this up as a cue to start looking for something. 

Luckily for her, Phasmophobia was on a large and affordable discount, so after proposing the idea and organizing a money pool, they all got to proving the existence of ghosts.

Lisa lent Razor her personal computer for the night, on condition that she could take a little peek every now and then at their session without interrupting - and what an amusement it was, as none of them are especially acquainted with horror.

Noelle: "The ghost responds only to people who are alone." Somebody has to go in to talk to it… 

Razor: Razor won't go! Ghost scary!

Bennett: I would go, but with my luck, the ghost will eat me right away…

Fischl: Hmph! Although yes, I, Fischl, The Prinzessin Der Verurteilung and the founder of The Immernatchreich possess the courage to face demons and spawns of darkness alike, I…

Everyone: So you'll go then?

Amy: Um… N-no! You m-misunderstood!

Furina

The Great-And-Grand Archon of Fontaine played and saw every horror game and movie, and never once got scared. Or that's what she claims, at least.

That's why Focalors decided to prove her excellence with a true, dark challenge she could easily overcome, thus proving her gaming capabilities for all to see!

In hindsight, Darkest Dungeon wasn't the best of choices she could have made… It did amuse Monsieur Neuvilette, however. 

Neuvillette: I think you should retreat. Your heroes are close to dying. 

Furina: I appreciate your advice, my dear Iudex, but your worries are misplaced! My Crusader will deal a critical hit, thus ending the pig-man's miserable opposition, and granting us treasure galore! Watch and marvel at my skill!

Game: "A singular strike!"

Furina: Ahaha, see? I told you it would be fine~ Wait… It's not dead yet…?

Game: "Mortality - clarified in a single strike!"

Furina: Um…

Game: "There can be no hope in this hell, no hope at all…"

Game: "And now the true test - hold fast, or expire."

Game: "Those who cover injury find it in no short supply."

Game: "As life ebbs, terrible vistas of emptiness reveal themselves."

Furina: Ret- T-tactical withdrawal! 

Game: "Cornered, trapped, forced to fight on!"

Game: "This is no place for the weak, or the foolhardy."

Game: "More blood soaks the soil, feeding the evil therein."

Game: "Perched at the very precipice of oblivion."

Game: "More dust, more ashes, more disappointment."

Game: "Another life wasted in the pursuit of glory and gold."

Game: "Wounds to be tended. Lessons to be learned."

Neuvillette: Lady Furina, if only you had-

Furina: Silence.

Shenhe

Shenhe never gets scared. The most terrible of monsters or existential terrors are no match for her training and resolve, no matter how unexpected they might be. She might not get scared, but she can get startled, right?

Who else would pose that question but Hu Tao, the mistress of horrors herself? It was always her objective to get some sort of reaction out of the adepti disciple, no matter how insignificant and small it might be. Many things were attempted - scary movies, troubling situations, body horror, cosmic horror, existential horror… But none of them ever worked. Shenhe remained stalwart.

Out of desperation, Hu Tao was forced to reach for the ultimate weapon. The bane of those unprepared. The myth. The legend. The game.

The Scary Maze Game. 

After plugging in an old spare monitor, she invited Shenhe to “test her precision”, and stepped a few safe meters back. 

The monitor ended up skewered with her polearm, but Shenhe did yelp - much to her delight. 

Not all was fun and games though, as Hu Tao got the mother of all lectures from Cloud Retainer. Something about Shenhe’s red ropes breaking, but the director didn’t pay much attention, and just nodded along.

Hu Tao: Heya, Shenhe… You don’t mind the little scare I gave you back on Halloween night, do you…?

Shenhe: Oh? Well, as much as I was upset during the moment, I must admit it was quite… cathartic. I never experienced anything like that. I do not hold any grudge towards you. Actually… Thank you for that, director Hu Tao.

Hu Tao: Phew! And I was here thinking I’ll share the fate of that display!

🎃Happy Halloween!🎃

[cottoncandy-cult]

You Have A Nightmare (ZFBFS)

It was late one summer night; a storm had rolled through, and the pounding thunder reverberated through the forest. (Y/n) was deep in sleep as she lay tucked into her bed, but it wasn't restful, as she tossed and turned in her comfy bed the occasional whine or yelp escaped from her. Her cover was near falling off the bed, her body was at an odd angle and pillow nowhere to be seen. A particularly violent round of thunder and lightning caused the girl to jolt awake, her body was sore from how she had been laying but the adrenaline from her nightmare had the aches numbed out. (E/C) eyes darted around the room in a daze, it took a few minutes for her senses to wake up. Slowly as she became aware of the pouring rain, she soon began to calm down a bit, sluggishly the stressed female pulled herself from the bed and slipped out of her room.

She attempted to turn on the hallway light, attempted because it only came on a few moments before it cut off. The deafening silence told her the electric went out, since she couldn't hear the fan in her room going any longer she knew she'd have to go downstairs to the fuse box. She was planning to go downstairs anyways to get a drink, but after her nightmare doing so in the dark had made even her a bit nervous. It was so silent she almost thought the pounding of her heart could be heard down the halls, even though it was her house something about the silence made her fearful of breaking it. She tried to breathe as quietly as she could, almost suffocating herself, as she slowly and quietly made her way down the hallway. When she found herself at the top of the stairs she stood and listened, she wasn't sure what for and she felt ridiculous being an adult mercenary and she's still this spooked by the dark and quiet. Though after a few seconds of nothing she made her way down, each step irritated her as it gave off a dull thud until she made it to the bottom of the steps.

Lightning filled the room with light for a few moments, she didn't really need it, but it still made navigating through the living room to the kitchen a lot easier. By now she had started to feel ridiculous and began to tell herself off for being a trained killer and still being afraid of nightmares, she relaxed and little and let her guard down. Making her way to the fuse box on the far wall of the kitchen, and when she opened it, she was greeted by the first real light of the night. She was glad they thought to put a battery light that turned on when the door was opened inside, though as she looked over the fuses, she was disappointed to see that none of them was blown. This could only mean one thing. "Damnit..." She muttered softly to herself, glaring at the switches for a moment. "So, it's just a fucking power outage then?" The deep sleepy mumble behind her caused both the girl's feet to leave the floor for a moment as a scream slipped from her chest, at that same time she heard a rush of noises followed by a heavy fall and swearing.

Spinning around the battery light shone onto none other than Zack, the male sitting confused and startled on the floor. "Zack you ass don't scare me like that!" Her hand was pressed to her pounding chest making her sit in a nearby chair at the table against the wall, leaving the fuse box door open to keep the room lit. "Hey don't get mad at me! You're the one that screamed so loud I fell over!" He huffed and pouted from his spot on the floor, lazily glaring at her. He looked so cute she couldn't help but to laugh, she felt better now that she knew it was him, but she was still a little startled. "Did the storm wake you?" (Y/n) questioned right as another round of thunder and lightning rattled the house, the girl moving to stand and grab a bottle of water from the fridge. "Yeah, that and my fan beeped as it powered down, so I knew the electric was out." He watched her as she got her drink, then he quirked an eyebrow and tilted his head. "What were you doing up? I know the thunder is loud but usually you sleep through these storms." He almost looked concerned, but it was dark so she couldn't quite tell. "I was having a nightmare, so it didn't take much for a loud clap of thunder to wake me." She sighed and went back to her chair, setting her bottle on the table as she looked at him. "So, what should we do? I don't know about you but after that little scare, I'm not all that tired anymore. It'll be an hour or two before the generator kicks on."

She looked over the male as he stretched out on the floor, his legs extending as he leaned back in his palms. "I don't know, to be honest I'm not that tired either." He sighed as he stared up at the ceiling, leaving her to try and think of something. "You wanna try and get the fireplace going and make some hot chocolate?" Now that got his attention, Zack had grown to love chocolate and hot chocolate was his drug of choice. "Sure, I'll go and grab a few left-over logs from the garage. Why don't you go ahead and into the living room, light a candle or two for some light until we get the fire going." Before she could even respond he was up and out, making her laugh to herself. After going over basic fire safety with him, and a couple months with a therapist, he was better able to handle controlled flames. Especially since they always went out of their way to make sure the fireplace was clean and that they had everything set up correctly so no pieces could escape. Once he realized you could actually control fire, he felt a bit better about it. As before it felt like fire could run without check, as if nothing was able to contain it. Now he knew better, and with 2 winters of experience he's comfortable with the small, controlled blazes.

And from there their middle of the night adventure began

[lady-october]

Pairing : Oli Sykes x Female Assistant Genre : Romance, Smut (18+ Only) Previous Chapters : Available on Ao3

Story Content : Smut, Drama, Choking, Power dynamics, Romance, Rough sex, Sadism/Masochism, Dom/Sub, Mentions of addiction & self harm, Degradation, Praise kink, Exhibitionism, Orgasm denial, Breath play, Dirty talk.

Summary :

“Don’t you see what a dangerous game you’re playing? Why did you have to look so fucking delicious tonight, I couldn’t stop undressing you in my mind, thinking of all the twisted things I want to do to you.” She had only worked on the touring team for three weeks, but her mind had been hijacked by dirty thoughts of a man she barely even talked to. Sure, he was very attractive, but were there other reasons she was so uncontrollably drawn to him? This is a filthy story of pain, self discovery, and love.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Chapter 21: Did my back hurt your knife?

Chapter title is lyrics from "R.i.p"

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Her smile

Filled with sharp teeth, ready to bite

Nails digging into my scalp, pushing me down

Keeping me beneath the surface as I gasp, as I drown

The last of my breath leaving my lungs

Dancing and weaving through the water above

The surface; it twists and it bends

Warping the monster that fucks with my head

I thrash and I fight, but it’s never enough; I am but a pawn in her story

My monarch, my goddess, my puppet master in all of her glory

Should I let her win, should I simply give in – let the peace of death consume me?

Hair red as flame, eyes black as tar

In hell, we shall meet again my dear friend

I awoke with a gasp, momentarily confused.

It didn’t take long for my mind to catch up with reality; for me to realise it had only been another nightmare. My heart on the other hand still hadn’t gotten the messaging – thumping with the heavy beat of fear, of survival.

Letting out a long breath, I relaxed back into my pillow.

Same old, same old.

Tensing, my brows furrowed.

Actually, no, not same old; this particular dream had been about Fay – someone I hadn’t dreamt about since I met Alice. In fact, the nightmares about Fay had come to a screeching halt the very same day Alice joined the tour. For about a week after, my dreams had been quite palatable – pleasant even. All about Alice, of course, but it didn’t take long until they descended back into madness; until Alice was haunting me – hunting me – every night, coming up with new and exciting ways to impale, shred, or incinerate me.

Looking over at the beautiful woman beside me I felt quite sad she was no longer in my arms. At some point she must have rolled over in her sleep, rolled away from me.

I sighed.

No, my mind had never been kind to me, and it was hard to tell if it was crueller at night or during the waking hours. Because while the nightmares were gruesome and violent, at least they didn’t play tricks on me – feed my insecurities, or expect me to stay sober while my thoughts eat me alive.

Or expect me to not act on all my impulses. 

Like punching Mat square in his fucking face for putting his lips on my Alice.

Yet, I would never actually do that, knowing full well it’s my own fault they’re dating.

Reaching over to the bedside table, I grabbed my phone; it was only around midnight, meaning I couldn't have slept for very long after we drifted off – after telling Alice about mine and Mat’s history, and about me and Fay. Which would explain her sudden and unwelcome appearance in my dreams.

My mind began racing, feeling torn. I wanted to wrap my arms around Alice and simply enjoy her company for the remainder of the night, but I was all too aware of the fact that Mat would still be awake at this hour – knowing I really do need to talk to him.

Before I knew it my legs were moving, pushing themselves into some sweatpants. 

After slipping a random shirt over my head I was out the door, staring at the polished brass numbers on Mat’s door, feeling suddenly nervous. 15 they read – a completely arbitrary number, but I could see my eyes in the reflection of them, staring back at me, causing disgust to build in my chest; disgust over the reasons I needed to talk to Mat at all; disgust over proudly flaunting that I’d fucked the girl first this time.

But mainly I felt disgust over how poorly I was handling my emotions, particularly in regards to how jealous I was – how selfish I was – when it came to Alice. 

Yes, I know she’s not mine, still I can’t seem to help myself – can’t seem to stop acting like some feral animal, pissing all over their territory.

Shaking myself mentally, I let my fist connect with the rich wood of the door.

It didn’t take long before it swung open with a robed Mat appearing behind it, the scent of alcohol thick in the air.

He squinted at me, clearly confused. Or maybe even unhappy to see me.

“Can I come in?”

Wordlessly, he stepped to the side, gesturing for me to join him in the dimly lit room.

Shutting the door, he stalked over and sat down on the floor next to the bed, leaning against the mattress in order to stare out into the night through the floor to ceiling windows in front of him. 

He also had a view of the lake, his room only a couple of doors over from mine.

I decided to join him on the floor, noticing the half empty whiskey bottle next to him along with a couple of snack containers.

To my surprise he spoke as soon as I’d gotten comfortable, before I had a chance to.

“I should’ve been more apprehensive about asking her out, or even cancelled earlier today as soon as you told me you were going out with her. But the truth is I think I got a crush on her a while back, and now I hate how much I want to spend more time with her.”

A heavy feeling settled in me, weighing me down. Faint whispers of self hatred brushing against my ear, trying to convince me everyone’s better off without me.

His gaze flickered to mine, “Don’t worry, I won’t. Not now, not after you’ve slept with her.”

I felt myself start to chuckle at his statement, “Since when has that stopped you?”

“You know when.” He muttered, before taking a swig off of the bottle that was now in his hand.

“Since Fay.” I said, feeling my pulse speed up as I pried open the box we’d thoroughly nailed and welded shut a long time ago.

Surprised eyes shot back to me, “Yeah, since… Fay.” He frowned, watching me closely to see what I would do after uttering the previously forbidden word in front of me for the first time in almost a year, “I’m happy you’re not reacting like last time I said her name, would get expensive in an establishment like this.”

I laughed, feeling both amusement and shame over having smashed one of his windows while I was recovering at his place – as well as his TV. Thankfully Mat just smiled at me, obviously feeling some type of relief over the fact that I was ready to say her name again. That – while slow – I was actually healing.

Well… in some ways anyway.

Mat's smile quickly turned sour, his thoughts returning to the current situation, “I can’t do it again Oli, she’s all yours. I’m just gonna stay away, lick my wounds and move on.”

I watched him take another swig, clearly upset, and I caught myself wondering if I only wanted him to pursue Alice for my sake, for my peace of mind – to test Alice, see what she would do.

To see if she’d fail me, just like Fay did.

“Hate to say it but has that ever worked for us, the staying away bit?”

I truly am scum.

“Not like there’s other options.” He mumbled distantly, his eyes remaining on the view.

“We can let her pick.”

I felt like the daftest person alive for continuing this. I could simply tell him now how much I feel for Alice, how tangled up my emotions and thoughts are about her – that yes, he should stay away so I can continue working on Alice’s commitment issues and hopefully come out on top.

He scoffed, “Yeah cause that went so great with Fay– also hasn’t Alice already picked, let me guess; she’s in your room right now, no?”

“Alice isn’t Fay.” I said, realising I meant it – realising that I actually did have some faith in Alice, that maybe I was building some trust in her after all, “Besides, she likes you.”

That was unnecessary.

One of his eyebrows raised, “She told you that?”

“Not in so many words, but yeah.”

He huffed out a breath, “She’s an odd one.”

“No arguments there.”

He leaned further into the mattress behind him, “So, to summarize, we’re already fucked; it’s already morphed into yet another love triangle?”

I swallowed, “Seems that way.”

“Record speed that.” Shaking his head, he eyed me up, “Will you be alright?”

“Yeah I’ll be fine.” Somewhere along the way the lies came easier.

It crossed my mind that this was eerily similar to how my last two relapses began; with the small untruths growing larger, snowballing into massive, monstrous lies.

I should be worried, I should want to break the pattern before I spiral further.

But instead I found comfort in it, wanting to spiral out of control, knowing where that leads.

Knowing the relief it will bring.

More self loathing filled me like foul sludge, settling in my gut as I felt a sense of acceptance wash over me; this is who I am as a person, and I can never escape it.

So why even bother fighting it?

“Can I have some of that?” I heard myself say as I reached for Mat’s bottle, taking it out of his hand to down several large gulps, attempting to ward off my intrusive thoughts.

Mat was frowning at me as I drank, coming to his own conclusions about what was going through my head, “You caught some feelings for the bird too then?”

You can say that.

“Yeah.” I breathed as the amber liquid warmed my throat.

The laugh that came from Mat was borderline hysteric, “We go on one bloody date with her, and here we are – right back to square one… Absolutely fucking ridiculous.” He took the bottle back off of me in order to also down a questionable amount – and suddenly the bottle was done for. 

Sure, it was one date, but we’d both been around her for a month now, watching her, wanting her, being enthralled by whatever spell she’d put on us.

At least I’d had the privilege of fucking her brains out the past week.

After Mat tossed the empty bottle to the side, we sat in silence for a long moment.

He’s got a crush on her.

My heart was tearing in half, sharp talons of fear scraping all along my back.

She’s interested in him, attracted to him.

Yet numbness was wrapping around me like a warm and cosy blanket on a cold winter's night.

I was also confused, not quite sure how my intentions had turned so selfish, so manipulative.

I fucking hate myself.

“You’ve been acting differently lately, and I can’t tell if that’s good or bad, but bring me back into the loop when you can, yeah?”

His words startled me, coming out of nowhere in our deep silence.

“This tour’s just a bit longer than usual, I’m knackered.” 

More lies.

Pushing myself back to my feet, some of the numbness momentarily released, letting guilt and worry crawl back under my skin.

“Will you be alright?” I asked the sprawled, defeated looking man on the floor in front of me.

The smile he gave me wasn’t convincing, “Yeah of course, I always bounce back.”

I sucked on my teeth, wanting to scream – wanting so badly to do better than this, but not knowing how right now.

Not while I was falling apart myself.

“Alright. See you tomorrow then.” Is all I said, like the fucking prick I am, before I stalked off.

“Turn off the light, will you?”

“Sure.” I flicked the lightswitch next to the exit.

“Ta, mate.”

The moment the door latched shut behind me, my hands started to shake from the bone deep disappointment I felt in myself.

I looked towards my room, where my dear, sweet Alice was sleeping, willing my feet to move in its direction. I wanted so badly to just disappear in her comfort, but I couldn’t do it, couldn’t allow myself that peace, that joy.

Instead I walked the opposite direction, through the fire exit, ascending the steps to the rooftop that I had so lovingly planned out for us. Laying down, I covered myself in several blankets, the night's chill having crept in during the several hours we haven’t been here. My eyes quickly settled on the smiley in the sky that Alice had pointed out right before our date derailed, and I wanted to cry, to mourn the hopes and dreams I had for us.

It was as if we were destined to fail, the universe working against us at every turn, like I couldn’t seem to make a single good decision when it came to her.

Or maybe we were just too broken, like chipped teacups; our sharp edges cutting each other as we drank.

Whatever the reason for everything turning to shit, I couldn’t stand it.

Images from my dream began to flicker in my mind's eye, of Fay’s face hovering over mine as she tried to drown me, which led me to do something I hadn’t allowed myself to do in a very long time.

Fishing the phone out of my pocket, I started scrolling down my list of messages. I scrolled and I scrolled, for quite some time, as the chat I was searching for had been pushed far down the list by now, until the name of the devil herself appeared on my screen.

I paused, knowing how hard it had been for me to stop reading our chat log several times a day, not wanting to fall back into old habits.

I’m already knee deep in old habits, I might as well dive right in.

As soon as I opened the chat my emotions from months ago came bubbling up. They weren’t sharp and all-consuming like they were back then, but I still felt a duller version of them, the cousin of their pure form.

Most of them were negative, but somewhere in there I could defect positive emotions as well. Not love by any means, but some part of me still cared about her, still didn’t want her dead, and still – for some unknown reason – wished things could have turned out differently for us.

“Fay: Please pick up”

“Fay: I’ve never loved anyone like I love you”

“Fay: I’m so fucking sorry please”

“Fay: Please answer”

There were so many messages like this – 43 to be exact, pleading, begging me to hear her out, to forgive her. I would stare at them, feeling the full range of emotions they elicited – be pushed to get high from them – but I never responded.

The messages kept coming for months, and when I thought they’d finally stopped, another one came through, breaking my heart all over again.

“Fay: How am I supposed to live my life without my best friend?”

And then the final one, a week later, which is where they came to an end.

“Fay: I will always love you with my entire being, and I will always be just a phone call away, so never hesitate to reach out. Remember that soulmates are eternal.”

The last sentence still felt like shackles around my ankles, despite having given up on the concept of soulmates by now. I almost bled out from the wounds she left me with, and now my heart is made entirely of scar tissue.

For the millionth time I considered deleting the chat history, to finally rid myself of this catalogued museum of pain, but as I stared at the delete button the unthinkable happened.

“Ah, fuck.” I muttered as the phone connected with my face, having dropped it right on my nose while using it laying down. Fumbling to get a proper hold on it, I was struck with the sensation of falling backwards as I looked at the screen.

“Oli: Hi”

My heartbeat was pounding in my ears as realisation settled in.

Somewhere between dropping it and getting it back into my hands I must have accidentally pressed one of the auto response options.

I bolted upright into a sitting position.

“Fuck!”

My loud outburst caused a flock of birds to flee a nearby tree.

Instantly I began trying to unsend the message, hoping it would let me, but my phone started buzzing as I clutched it.

‘Incoming call: Fay’ It read

Instinctively I swiped it away, hating myself for never having been able to block her, but she was already typing.

“Fay: Oli, hi dear”

“Fay: I saw you in Vegas, you were incredible but you always are”

It was hard to wrap my head around the fact that she was still going to my shows – and why was she talking to me like we’re friends, like she never destroyed me?

She’s still obsessed with me.

I should be repulsed, I should feel unease at the fact that my ex was essentially still stalking me. Yet, for some inexplicable reason the thought brought me joy, made me feel special.

What the fuck is wrong with me?

I heard the sound of the door opening behind me, and in my panicked state I shoved the phone under one of the pillows, hoping my shameful thoughts would be shoved away with it.

“Can I join you?”

Craning my neck, I saw Alice standing by the door, looking dishevelled and sleepy, rubbing her arms to stay warm.

My heart melted at the sight of her, easing me away from the mountain of unresolved issues hiding under the plush pillow next to me.

“Of course.” I responded under my breath, hoping I could force my pulse to settle before she nestled into me – hoping she wouldn’t notice the fucked up state I’m in.

The warmth of her against my body felt beyond incredible, reminding me further of what a piece of shit I am.

“Are you okay?” She whispered.

For a split second I considered being honest, not wanting to break the emotional and mental bond we’ve managed to establish so far. Wanting desperately to be open and honest with her around every corner, around every bend.

“Yeah, just another nightmare. Thought I’d come up here and enjoy the night some more.”

I felt myself being pulled further into the void, down the spiral that leads to all the wrong places and dead ends.

After a beat she asked a question she’d asked me before, one I wished I could have answered the first time, but we’d been interrupted.

“Want to tell me about them?”

She wanted to know more about the tender parts of me, to gently touch on my sore spots. I should be overjoyed, knowing that’s the path to the type of relationship I want with her, yet I couldn’t bring myself to go there right now.

“Can we talk about it another time? I just want to rest if that’s alright.”

The already deep disappointment I harboured within myself dug its nails in deeper still.

“Yeah, that’s fine.” 

She sounded so worried, clearly sensing my disconnect.

But there was nothing I could do tonight besides hold her close, and hope the comfort I was stealing from her would help me see tomorrow with more clarity.

... Subscribe to the story on Ao3 for future updates

[irkimatsu]

Heheheheheh

Trauma request!!!

Trigger warning mention of “fake guns”, chasing, child abuse, mentions of self harm

So, remember that before the song “loser, baby” husk casually dropped lore? “I was an overlord once you know”

So, imagine reader just dropping some lore while talking with husk

And the lore, in that case would be mine- heheh (trying to make this as light as possible bc i don’t think I can avoid.)

I had a fucked up childhood, and I honestly think my biggest “trauma” was being chased by my father with these https://www.google.com.br/shopping/product/1?q=soft+air+guns&client=safari&sca_esv=6b8e48f255f8d8f2&hl=pt-br&biw=375&bih=550&tbs=vw:g&sxsrf=ADLYWIJXAulThPp-MLs_tZ2OkOV6OUwQ4g:1720929061589&prds=num:1,of:1,eto:8420583661406746750_0,prmr:1,pid:8420583661406746750,cs:1&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwjt1Jir0KWHAxXKL7kGHQAhBrEQgjYI8Ag (not this exact model but something similar) same would happen with my sister and cousins, but they think it was rather funny. Another “trauma” I have is from when my father forced me to get half naked in front of him and my mother to see if I was self harming, (only panties and bra, both extra short) and yell at me once they saw I was. There are other things like making me abandon my rescued dog on my birthday (I took the dog in without their permission) and some shit like depriving me from attention so much that I started to self harm at the age of 9 whenever they refused to give me hugs and kisses bc I felt like I did something wrong, or when they would threaten to hit me if I woke them up at night so I started to crawl silently to their bedroom and sleep on the FLOOR whenever I had a nightmare while I was 6-9.

Now, imagine, everyone drinking and complaining about things like: Charlie- “yeah, feel a bit weird around my dad bc we.. don’t talk a lot you know?” And reader just going “girl, I feel you, my dad would threaten to hit me if I woke him up at night so whenever I had a nightmare I’d sleep on the floor of their bedroom “ and husk is like, just listening while in his mind everything annoying and weird about reader starts to make sense, like, why would they always annoy their friends and then get sad when they get angry or why they would be so shy and insecure around new people

ANYWAYS- I think that’s it for now. I just want some comfort about this- kinda shitty

God, I can't even begin to respond to everything you've been through... I'm so sorry you went through that. I really hope what I've wrote can help ease the smallest sliver of the pain.

Trigger warnings at the start of the ask should be a good indicator of what this piece is. Not detailed, nothing happens on screen, but Reader rants about their trauma and Husk comforts them. Traumas are specific to the requester, but if anyone else wants to read it, feel free! I'm sure we could all use a hug from the bartender, even if our traumas don't all match.

In retrospect, maybe you shouldn’t have said any of that. It seemed on-topic in the moment, with Charlie talking about how her dad took so long to believe her dreams without ever explaining why, and Angel bitching about his own violent, homophobic father but not going into much detail; he was a mafia man, and that was all anyone needed to know to guess what his parenting skills were like. Even Husk offered a bit of input about his childhood, about growing up in hotels and shelters all across Las Vegas and not knowing who his father was.

The subject was fathers, so you contributed your own experiences. Maybe you wouldn’t have been so detailed if you weren’t so hopelessly drunk. But with the alcohol coursing through your veins, you begin to speak. You tell stories about your father chasing you with an airsoft gun as some sort of sick “joke”, and about the beloved dog you had to abandon. You talk about the cycle of self-harm, where you’d be punished for hurting yourself and it would only drive you to cause further harm. A thread of neglect and loneliness trails through every story you tell, with you only pausing for the briefest of moments to sip from the drink that Husk keeps topping off for you.

By the time you stop talking, everyone at the bar is staring, burning holes into your soul that make you suddenly regret opening your mouth.

“...Jesus Christ,” is all Angel has to offer.

“Okay! It sounds like you’ve been through some pretty heavy things!” Charlie says, forcing the widest smile she can muster. “Maybe that’s what we can focus on in your rehabilitation! If you can learn to accept love from others and stop believing that your childhood was your fault, you won’t feel the need to act out!”

There’s one person you want a reaction from most of all, but he’s not responding. You felt his gaze on you for your entire impromptu speech, but now that you’ve finished, he seems to be ignoring you, more focused on a spot on the bar that he keeps wiping despite it looking perfectly clean.

“Maybe I should… go to bed,” you say with a forced laugh. “Sorry to bother you guys.” It’s still relatively early in the evening, but given what you’ve just said, everyone seems to understand your reasoning as you drain your final cocktail and head for the stairs.

—

You’re in your bed, but you’re not sleeping. You can’t sleep. Not with all the memories rushing through your head. God damn it, why did you have to bring all that shit back? It’s so much better to keep it buried. Sure, there was some slight relief in saying it out loud, but this backlash is so very not worth it.

You bolt up in surprise at the sound of a light tapping at the door.

“Are you awake?” asks a dark, smooth voice that you’d recognize anywhere. Your heart flutters at the very sound of it, then just as quickly sinks in guilt. Now you’ve gone and made Husk worry about you. You lay back down and face your wall, trying your best to feign sleep until he leaves.

“Can I come in?” he asks. “I don’t wanna assume, but… you seem like you shouldn’t be alone right now.”

And now he doesn’t even trust you to be on your own. Great. You grip your arms and shiver at the thoughts of Husk looking over your arms, marred with scars both fresh and aged, judging you, scolding you-

Your arms aren’t even scarred anymore. Not in this new demon body. None of the implements you’ve been using have been enough to permanently damage your nearly-immortal form. But still, all you can see when you look at your skin are those scars, and your gut insists that Husk will be able to see them, too.

“...okay. I’ll let you sleep,” he says. “But if you can hear me… everyone else has gone to bed, but I’m gonna be in the lobby a bit longer if you wanna… if you need anything.”

Good. He’s leaving. Just as you wanted him to.

Right?

“Wait,” you call out before you can stop yourself. You wonder if you’re too late and he’s already too far gone to hear you.

“You okay?” he responds.

It takes you a moment to find your voice again. “...you can come in, if you want. I’ll get the door.” You slowly shuffle your way out of bed, disentangling yourself from the blanket nest you’d snuggled yourself down into. You’re unsteady on your feet, anxiety taking over the part of your brain that knows how to walk straight, but finally, you find yourself at your bedroom door. You turn the knob and open it, a small part of you expecting to see an empty hallway. Surely you took so long that Husk gave up.

He’s still standing there, brow furrowed and wings drooping.

“...come in,” you say before turning around and heading back to your bed, just as unsteadily as before. You don’t look back to see if he’s following you in, only focused on making it back to your bed. You’re almost embarrassed to admit to yourself how grateful you are to see that he’s still here, and that he’s sitting next to you with no hesitation.

“...I’m sorry about earlier,” you continue, unable to quite look Husk in the eye. “I shouldn’t have said all that.”

“I’m used to it,” Husk says with a shrug. “Something about being around a bartender makes people bitch about all kinds of shit.” He smiles slightly. “And with that much bitching, I think you needed it.”

Your face heats with the admission that he’s right; you did need that.

“But it was way too heavy for me to dump on you guys,” you say. “Even if I needed to say it, you didn’t need to hear it.”

“I think I did, actually,” Husk says.

“How can listening to my rambling about my problems help you?” you ask in disbelief.

“Well… I can’t think of a good way to say this. Promise you won’t take it the wrong way?”

Him saying that only puts you even more on edge, but your curiosity about what he has to say wins out. “Take what the wrong way?”

“Well… I think we got off to a bad start,” Husk admits, gently scratching the back of his neck. “And a bad start doesn’t mean we can’t ever get along! Just look at me and Angel! But my first thought when you joined the hotel was that you were… clingy.”

You’d respond, but you promised to hear him out with the best possible interpretation, so you’ll keep your mouth shut for now.

“I have no idea why you gravitated to me the way you did. Constantly sitting at my bar, constantly talking, constantly giving me those damned kicked-puppy eyes whenever I told you I wasn’t in the mood. But you’d never cling to any of the other residents like that. Not even Charlie! Fuck, I think she would have loved to have you following her around and begging for validation! Instead you seemed afraid of her! Afraid of Charlie!”

“She’s the Princess of Hell,” you say in your own defense. “I can’t go around annoying a princess!”

“But you can annoy the bartender?” Husk says with a cocky smile.

“Look, I don’t know why I latched onto you, either,” you say. That’s not the truth; you know exactly why that charming, smooth-voiced bartender caught your attention so easily. Sure, he seemed gruff at first, but then you heard the way he spoke to regulars, especially Angel, voice flowing like warm honey with advice and assurances…

God, you want to be the one receiving those assurances. But now it seems like you’ve fucked up your chance.

“But after hearing your story…” Husk’s face falls. “...you didn’t get a lot of positive attention while you were alive, did you?”

You shake your head as you will your eyes to not tear up right now.

“I get it. I didn’t either. Been fending for myself since the day I could sneak my way onto the casino floor. When you’re a brat kid seeking approval from a world you don’t belong in, you end up in some real shit.”

You pull your legs up onto the bed and hug them for comfort while Husk talks.

“It sucks feeling alone, I know that. Just wanting someone to… to tell you you’re doing okay. That you’re contributing something. Clutching on to every bit of validation you can get like it’s a life preserver.

I used to be a performer, you know? I think the validation was part of what drew me in. People watching me, people joining that audience to see me. And when I died and got tied up in all that Overlord shit…” His laugh is hollow. “Well, you know how that ended up.”

“But I’m not like you,” you say. “I couldn’t turn my loneliness into talents like you did.”

“You didn’t have to,” Husk says. “Trauma isn’t some big sacrifice you make to suddenly become special. Some of us don’t come out of it stronger, we just come out broken. And even those of us who did make something out of it… was it worth it? I’m sure I could have been a magician or a saxophone player without hinging my entire self-worth on it. Might have even been successful at it if I didn’t have that baggage.” He rests his hand over your hand, the one that’s been digging its nails into your shin without you realizing it. “Hey. Look at me.”

You don’t want to, not with your eyes wet and puffy like this… but when you turn to him and see the warmth in his golden gaze, you’re glad you did it after all.

“I don’t want you worrying about what the rest of us think, all right? You went through some shit. Everyone in this hotel has been through shit, but yours is yours. No sense comparing it to anyone else’s.” He pulls your hand away from your leg so he can squeeze it. “Our shit’s shaped all of us, yours included. Might as well own what it shaped you into.”

“You said I annoyed you,” you point out. “I don’t want to do that anymore.”

“Hey, hey,” he says. “What did I say about worrying about what the rest of us think?”

“But I do worry about what you think!” you say, alcohol once again pulling words from your mouth without your will. “I… I wanna be close to you. I can’t explain why, but ever since I first saw you, I’ve wanted…” What have you wanted? What sort of relationship are you seeking with the older man? You can’t find a word for it. “I’ve wanted… wanted you to know me,” is all you can come with. “To like having me around.”

“And I do. The bar would be a hell of a lot more boring without you talking my ear off.”

Your emotions are building up too strong for you to contain; every muscle in your body is beginning to tense and shake, and the dam behind your eyes threatens to burst. You know what you need now, more than anything, but you also know you can’t just go for something like that, not yet-

But you go for it anyway, throwing your arms around Husk’s body and burying your sobbing face into his chest.

“I’m sorry,” you choke out, voice barely there, as you expect him to grunt in frustration and push you off.

Instead, he hugs you back and gives you a slight squeeze.

“Hey. You’re all right,” he says, voice softer than ever as his claws gently graze your skin over your shirt. “I’ve got you. You’re all right.”

You choke out another apology as you nuzzle your face into his silky fur.

“Come by the bar any time you need to,” he says, his light scratches now focused on your scalp. “I’ll be there to hear you out. I’d like to know more about you… to understand you better.” He rests his cheek on the top of your head and nuzzles. “But you don’t need to talk now. Just do what you’ve gotta do.”

You remain in his embrace for as long as he’ll allow it. Even as your tears finally dry and your body stops trembling, you’re in no rush to leave his side, and he doesn’t move to let you go, either.

“I understand you better already,” he says quietly, as if trying not to disturb you with his voice. As if you could ever be disturbed by the smooth velvet that envelops you whenever he speaks to you…

You’re barely conscious when you feel him laying you back down on the bed and tucking you in with one of the blankets from the jumbled pile on your mattress. A single claw caresses your scalp a final time.

“Get some sleep,” he says. “We can talk more in the morning, if you want.”

As he walks away, you commit his voice to your memory, replaying his words over and over again. His voice, his warmth, his softness, his scent… pretending you’re still enveloped by everything that makes him Husk helps you drift into the best sleep you’ve had since dying.

[rubycarbie]

The morning after...

Mornings felt so weird now to Melody. Having adapted a more nocturnal active time, the mornings now felt like a chore, but she had been asked to run an errand, and she couldn't really say no. The house is always quiet during the day, both houses but the one she was staying in, especially. Well, minus the sounds of a cat who Melody could sware was ten times smarter than she let on. Most times, Melody thought that Felicity was actually a human turned cat some days with how she acted. That was beside the point. The point now was to drag herself out of bed, and coffee is definitely needed.

"Ugh... what time is it even?" Melody pulls her phone to her with the charging coard turning on the screen and forgetting that her background is not dark room friendly. With a disgruntled sigh and through bleary eyes, Melody could see that the time was now roughly 11:30 in the morning. "Fuck... I wanted to get an earlier start on all this... fuck me... okay..." She twists herself out of bed and stumbles her way to the kitchen. Coffee is quickly made, and then quickly ruined with a bit too much cream and sugar. Standing at the counter, Melody contemplates what happened last night. Running into Cleo was a nightmare Melody had shut down so bad. Thank whichever Gods that Salem was there, otherwise it would have been high-school all over again. Actually scratch that it would have been worse seeing as she had turned into a vampire of all things. That was something she never expected, and it couldn't have happened to a worse person. This caused her to wonder, she said it happened three years ago was she influencing the others even more. There was that year where no one saw her but that would have been to hide what she had become most definitely. What was it Salem called her, a Nosferatu she looked so different, so, so wrong it wasn't like anything she had seen before. Melody didn't want to think on it any longer, besides she had things to do this day and she was burning away daylight hours.

A trip to the pet store was something Melody hadn't expected, but it was a now very welcomed distraction. She forgot how good it felt to have the sun beat down on her. Even though this was a winter sun, she still was enjoying the heat that it was giving. She was enjoying her walk to the store for the most part wondering if there was a difference in the instincts she needed to buy. And also thinking on the last thing that Melody and Salem had talked about this morning before Melody had to fall asleep. It unfortunately all came crashing down when she heard a familiar voice come ringing into her ears.

"YOOHOO! DEEDEE! OVER HERE!"

Melody froze again, just like last night just like any and every time before. Thank the Gods it wasn't Cleo, it couldn't be her now, but it was someone just as worse. "No..." was all that she could mutter out before turning and see another long forgotten face screaming at her from the drivers seat of a rather expensive car. "Alyssa! What, how, why... WHY are you here!?" Melody wanted to run she couldn't stand being around her, but more importantly she couldn't risk the others being found.

"Oh sweetie who cares about that, hold on!" She pulls her car over and gets out and runs to Melody

"OH MY GOD IT IS YOU!!!" Alyssa screamed at the top of her lungs compressing Melody into a bone shattering hug. "Deedee how have you been girl! I've missed you so much! Clee said she saw you last night! She said you were with some other girl! You have to tell me about that! I see you've gotten over Kevin pretty fast. Did you hear he died? Like out of nowhere, it was wild to find out you know! Why didn't you come see us last night! It would have been just like old times! You could have even brought your new friend. Or was it cause you two wer-" She gets cut off from saying anymore by Melody clapping her hands over Alyssa's mouth. She despised Alyssa. Not because she was as cruel as Cleo, or because she was as violent as Bree, but because she was so uncaring about others she didn't care what others really thought she would talk a mile a minute if someone didn't shut her up. Usually one of the other two kept her in check they all kept eachother in balance but when they were by themselves it was horrible. Alyssa being the more annoying but less of three evils Melody was still not happy to see. "Alyssa will you please shut the fuck up, how did you find me?" Melody was trying to keep her voice low and calm but was only slightly getting that done.

"Oh well that was kinda the easy part you see we met this woman a few months ago, and she was all like 'oh you lost a friend of yours didn't?' And we were all like yeah Kevin was a really good friend it sucks to see he's dead he threw the best parties. And she was all like 'no I'm talking about your other friend she moved away it looks like.' And then we were all like Oh Deedee yeah she kinda ditched us aft-" Melody cut her off again.

"Wait... woman... did she tell you her name... what did she look like... what did she do. And for the love of every single God in existence PLEASE keep it breif."

"Jesus Dee you moving to Florida has really changed you, you know that. Or maybe it's that new girl. Whatever girl jeez. Up let's see she was a darker skinned girly I couldn't tell if it was natural or tanner or whatever cause she looked like she had MONEY! um let's see what else white hair and she could rock it too. Oh poo what was her name, hmmm maybe like Shara or Shala or something like that. And she said that like she put like a tracker in your phone or whatever and then she was all like you should totes go and visit her and we were like OMG! Yes we could totes go for a vacation. But we had to wait for Bree to get time off. She got caught beating up another chick who was sleeping with he-" Melody cut her off once more but this time by walking away. She began walking to the pet store once more muttering under her breath and completely blocking off the outside world to her.

"Deedee where are you going!? Wait girl hold on!" Alyssa screamed at Melody trying to catch up.

Melody spun on her heel and stared down at the girl giving chase. "Alyssa go home," Melody began with a tone as cold as ice, "Leave and don't return. You, Bree, and Cleo get out of Florida. I have no want or need to want to reconnect with you, WITH ANY OF YOU! I have a new life down here in Florida I have ACTUAL friends down here and these friends are alot more of actual friends to me then the three of you ever were the entire fucking time I knew you three! And for the love of the Gods my fucking name is Melody! Not Deedee not Diane, but MELODY! Fucks sake Alyssa. Forget you saw me LEAVE and I never want to see you again do you understand? Your life is in danger okay? I don't like you at all, but I don't want your death on my hands, just get the fuck out of Florida!" With that she turns back on her heels and began marching again. The only sound she could hear now was the sound of the falling of her feet and the girl she had just chewed out crying. Melody didn't want to do what she did, but it was needed and of the three she really only could have done that with Alyssa.

This day was starting to turn terrible, she thought she was done with them they all just should have forgotten about Melody but no she couldn't be rid of them, Sasha had to force them down too, just great. Melody pulled out a cigarette and started smoking it a bit too fast to actually get any enjoyment out of it, more like a teenager who had never smoked before in their life and was trying to recreate what she saw in movies. Her mind a buzz with horrible information her original cell phone bugged and coordinates of where she was uploaded to those three at any given time. She might actually have to thank Cherry for her getting so mad at him that she snapped her phone in half. But this is the least of her worries. Cleo knew that Melody lived in Florida now and intentionally came down to start shit. They would have come across her eventually but it was just good or bad timing that she ran into her before coming to the house themselves. She finally reached the pet store it was a small little thing inside a strip mall with a couple other gaudy tourist attractions flanking it. But outside was someone she didn't want to see someone she thought she had more time before seeing. The very person who has been causing her to fear her own shadow and cause many a stressfull sleepless nights studying in the Duat. It was Sasha holding a Parasol and waiting for Melody right outside the pet store.

"Well," Sasha started "how did you enjoy my little present to you?" She asked with a diffrent sounding accent this time. Both times they had talked she had an honestly neutral accent. Unidentifiable by most standards but now ir sounded like she was putting on a fake British accent but like properly.

"Oh my presents?" Melody said almost screaming it at her. "Which one? The fact that I got to see not one but TWO of the few people who I grew up with that made my life a fucking shit show? Or was it I found out about my Mother being fucking killed. If I guess by you? How'd you do that one huh? Autopsy says it looked like wolf bite marks but they couldn't have been cause it looked like whatever did do it was the size of a fucking horse!"

Sasha chuckled before responding. "A true lady never reveals her secrets." She says with a wink. "Oh, Melody here I am just trying to help you out and all you do is just shut me down at every turn. It breaks my heart dear why won't you let me help you?"

Melody tilted her head in confusion for a second after that last question. "Help me? HELP ME? In what fucking world is what you've done anyway to fucking help me? Like what bringing down my fucking abusers and being like here you go! Go fucking ruin the life she's trying to rebuild. Also REALLY!? You knew Cleo was what she was and don't try to fucking deny it!" Melodybwas starting to really loose her cool unfortunately she didn't see the figure sneak up behind her and stick a knife to her throat.

"Watch your tounge little bird. Before I cut it from your head for talking to her that way."

'No, no no no no no no no! Not them anyone but them' Melody could feel the blade pressed against her throat. She didn't want to die again especially not at the hands of this psychopath. She wanted to run but she knew the second she moved she wouldnt be alive anymore she had to stay calm she needed a to think.

Sasha spoke up first, "Dear Henry please do try not to harm our sweet Melody here. Besides," her tone shifting to that of something far more sinister, "We wouldn't want to harm this investment now would we?" And there it was again, an investment, that's all Melody was to this woman not someone who legit wanted to help her but someone who saw her as nothing more then a tool to be used in this sick and twisted war she had decided to make up on her own to, what have mummies reign over everything else? Melody needed to think fast she didn't have time to debate or reason with either of them she couldn't. She needed to figure out this womans weakness here and now or she was done for.

"How did you know I was going to be here? I know for a fact that the phone I have now isn't bugged! Thanks for that by the way..." Melody felt the knife dig into her throat. She felt blood start to trickle down.

"Oh sweetheart I read it on your destiny. I can foretell everything that could and will happen. I mean, it's how I was able to help you realize who you are now. I mean, I was the cause for your fathers accident after all."

She said it so casually and with a smile. She caused it. She was the mastermind behind it all. Melody really was nothing but an investment. Her life truly did start going down hill when her dad died, and there it was the tears started, what was the point what was the point in any of it. She couldn't fight this she couldn't fight someone who had been alive for so long and was twisting destiny. No. She had to continue there were scarier things out there. She had to think and she had to think fast. She had to know her liability now even if she couldn't do anything right now, just knowing would be a step above her a step even she couldn't see coming. 'Think, Melody think everyone's life down here is at risk and you have to think! What are you missing you've studied every Dynasty and where she seems powerful she has to have a flaw but what is it?' And then it hit her, missing. Her Dynasty was missing. That's why she couldn't find anything about it, her Dynasty was broken. And so was she.

"Broken vessel," Melody said in a low whisper. "That's what you are aren't you? You're... what was the script... Udja-sen, and then she noticed the awray of charms that looked like little pots and then it started to click more and more and more. "YOU CANT MAKE YOU'RE OWN MAGIC!" And when Melody shouted that out she felt the knife dig even deeper into her throat but just as fast as she felt it dig in she felt Henry let her go.

Sasha stood there infront of Melody the smug smile was gone, replaced by a scowl that could freeze anyone up. "You must be so proud and what's stopping me from just killing them all hm? What's stopping me from sicing Henry to kill the vampires."

With a cold stare returned right back to the woman Melody responded stately and matter of fact. "I have several mages that I can call and they could be down here before you know it and they'll wipe your magic out from you and them. And then they'll twist you into living furniture." She then took a step and got even closer to Sashas face. "So back off and leave." Melody wanted to break down she wanted to throw up, and she wanted to run herself, but she needed to stand strong just for now.

"Henry, we're leaving, but know this Melody when they all betray you the Mages, the hunters, the Vampires, I will be the only thing you have left. And I will greet you with open arms." And with those parting words, Melody watched the two leave. When they were both finally out of sight, she fell to her knees and started to cry today was officially a terrible day and for the love of all the gods now all she wanted to do was go home. She still needed to do what she needed. She stood up, went in and purchased what she needed the walk back home seemed to take hours hours felt like days and time just seemed to drag on until it couldn't drag any further. When she got home she put the insects on the kitchen table and layed back down in her own bed. She wanted to cry more thats all she wanted to do she just didn't have it in her anymore. She had a victory over Sasha and she should be happy but it all felt hallow. There were several hours before nightfall. She would process it out when everyone was awake. "Shit, Taurie's gonna call me an idiot again..."

[bugwolfsstuff]

More W.I.Ps Yay

Psychopomp

Summary: Travis has psychopomp powers, Connor likely does too but no one knows other than Travis himself. Travis decides to summon Luke for some reason.

Notes to myself:

[the no good bad evil oneshot about Luke and Travis]

[Travis summons Luke]

[Make sure there has to be a lifeline that keeps Travis alive during the ritual.]

[Have his lifeline accidentally be Katie]

[Have Katie show up near the end]

[He compares the whispering to Katie talking so much, and that causes things to spitball and anchor his life]

["Great, just what I needed—Katie's voice in surround sound," he grumbled, a desperate attempt at humour in the face of the spectral onslaught.]

[Diaktoros- Guide, Messenger]

[Athanatos Diaktoros- Immortal guide]

["What are you doing?" Luke said

Travis rips the blanket off himself and throws it on the ground, suddenly disgusted by its existence.

"Don't throw my blanket".]

[Have Travis have a panic attack when Katie arrives because he's so scared of what she thinks]

[Have Travis refer to him and Katie as a demented demigod Persephone and Hades]

Small extract:

"Hey..."

"Mmm...five more minutes," I mumbled, trying to get at least a few more moments of sleep. The last few nights have been sleepless and filled with tossing and turning, nightmares and a bunch of other stuff I don't wanna talk about; sleep was something I really needed right now.

"Hey, Trav."

I shoved a pillow over my head. "Go away". I don't care if it was Cecil, Chris, or Connor—wow, there are alot of C names in this cabin. What is Hermes' deal with names that start with a C?

"Travis Thomas Stoll. Wake. Up. Now."

That wasn't even close to my middle name. I don't even think I have a middle name. But before I could even point that fact out, a small fist decided to acquaint itself with my stomach.

So it was Connor.

That little shithead.

------

2. Who is the monster? the children?

Summary: Magnus Chase/Norse myth oneshot of Loki's 'monster' children being brought to Odin. From the third person view of Hel.

Notes to myself:

[F you Odin]

[Think of a nickname for Jormungandr because I ain't calling him by his full name for the entire shot.]

[Forgot Hel was the youngest midway through this, so let's pretend Hel is freakishly (horrible phrasing) strong]

[Technically, a monster isn't a bad thing to be. It just has bad associations]

[Fun fact: Monster derives from the Latin monstrum, itself derived ultimately from the verb moneo—to remind, warn, instruct, or foretell

[höggspjót—chopping spear. It takes its name from Old Norse högg, stroke, blow, slaughter, beheading and spjót, "spear]

[They are so gonna use that on the snake :(]

Small extract:

 She assumes they must be young because they are only as big as Fenrir. Not as big as her mom or other Jotun.

Jormungandr hissed in her arms. She was playing with him when the warriors came with their pointy weapons and red faces, so he refused to let go of her. Even when the warriors pointed their höggspjót at him and

------

3. Wine Child: chapter two draft 4? Fuck what number are we on?

Summary: Percy's pov of the de aged Mr D fanfic. Hebe shows up, dumps 8yr old Dio at camp. Ruins Percy's date. Dives into Dio's demigod trauma.

Notes to myself:

[Work on chapter title]

[Dio has a sword, where does he get the sword? fuck knows. Hebe gave the 8yr old a sword for funsies]

[He's wearing a girls outfit and has wild curly hair]

[make him punch Percy in the balls]—has been changed to Will now.

Small extract:

Did I mention that she's holding a very alive-looking, violently squirming gym bag?

"Well, it's a funny story, really." She said, which meant in god language: It was very much not funny, but you better laugh or I vaporize you.

She twirled the gym bag in her hand as she talked, pulling it up by the straps and tipping it upside down like a very angry yoyo.

Whatever was in the bag really didn't like that, which to be fair, I'd be pretty cranky if some goddess shoved me in a gym bag and then started playing with the bag like a yoyo.

"What I didn't account for was how whiney he was. So then I thought, hmm, where was the best place where he could learn to appreciate youth? Nowhere else but summer camp!" 

[kentuckycaverats]

being emo about what a difference del's made in my life, word vomit below the cut so i don't clog the dash.

i've talked about this a wee bit on here, but after my first couple of years getting into ttrpgs i realized that i kept accidentally putting pieces of my soul into my pcs and having surprise Realizations over the course of the game(s), so i decided to start doing it on purpose

i built del very intentionally to have like, all of my childhood-adolescent trauma. the details are all greatly exaggerated but are rooted in the same feelings: not being allowed to have boundaries, not being allowed to make my own choices, being denied autonomy, being openly gay and trans in a conservative christian town, intimate partner abuse, suicidality. the fujinamis are (very loosely) based on my own parents and the tsugas are the parents i wish i'd had. sabina is not-so-loosely based on my abusive ex

but del is unlike me in every other way. she can stand up for herself, she can set and enforce boundaries, she's strong-willed and physically capable, afraid of nothing, and genuinely can't be fucked to care what anyone thinks of her. traits that i don't have but desperately wish that i did. i figured that if i could develop and play a character who emulates those things, then hey, look, those exist in me too, because del can't exist without me. my therapist has been a huge proponent of this and has helped me to utilize del as a therapeutic tool, and boyyyy has it worked. with the combination of EMDR + delphine, i've made crazy progress just in this last year

last night my partner and i were talking to his best friend and ended up on the topic of first relationships, and she wanted to know about my abusive ex. and like. she's haunted me for over a decade. it used to be that i couldn't think or talk about what she did to me without violently dissociating and triggering nightmares about her. but it doesn't hurt me to talk about anymore? she sucks ass and she's the worst person i ever met in my life, but i'm not afraid of her anymore. and i credit like 50% of that to therapy/EMDR and the other half to del game

because del has gotten to face and defeat sabina twice: first in backstory, in which del diablerized her and ended up with sabina's consciousness kicking around in her head, then again with tara and the coterie by her side as she killed her for good. when we were going into that session my therapist had a hunch that being rid of sabina in-game would help me get past the last big block from my own abuser, and she was right. i didn't notice it right away, but even when she does show up in my dreams (and she did last night, like she usually does when i talk about her) they aren't nightmares anymore. she's there and i'm annoyed mostly, but not afraid. i can tell her no and tell her to fuck off and instead of the big looming figure she used to be in my brain she's just a pathetic asshole who can't reach me anymore

my therapist says all the time that the brain processes fiction and reality the same way, emotionally-speaking, and we joke about ttrpg as group therapy but it really has been. and so much of that credit goes to our st who's (1) brilliant (2) so cognizant of telling trauma stories in a safe and respectful way and (3) has a window into my soul i guess?? he knows i'm plural but the del/aelsidhe arc was a complete surprise to me, and oddly enough comes like, scary close to paralleling the relationship between myself (del as proxy) and the host before me (aelsidhe as proxy) who i was supposed to protect from our ex. i couldn't have come up with a more fitting arc for del if i'd tried

anyway. tl;dr - healing is stored in the fighty little cockroach lesbian and she will always be so so special to me

[smileymoth]

it hurts so bad when he is on his own but then when he tries to fix it and it gets even worse because he can not fucking control himself. is he asleep, is he awake, no one knows. he's suffocating in his own grief and agony of self deprication and probably a coctail of meds. AND THE WAY HE DELIVERS those three last lines.... girl i'm kissing you on the mouth its so raw and out there from the rest of the opening of the song... that night the screaming hurt because it didn't come from him, it was someone else for once

"we find each other under blankets as warm as summer" is such a EASY lyric and it even rhymes so it's not even that rythmically complex, but the way he delivers it in the song makes me ascend into heaven forever and ever. as warm as summer. come on now... it makes summer warmth seem so comfortable even if it isn't (for me, anyway), is this the point? to make something so uncomfortably warm seem so heavenly??? am i the freak here who hates the sun??? (yes) "we are inseparable" INSEPARABLE. COME ON. AND YOU HAD TO RUIN IT.... the echo of the singing also sends shivers through my brain. it's somewhere far away from you but yet close because otherwise you wouldn't be hearing it... just like a dream, so clear yet distorted

this guy is describing a corpse like i an art student explain a still life painting. "we made it that way" shifting the blame. it was y o u who did it, not we. who is we. you killed them and now you are removing yourself from the situation because this is fine, it's all fine. it's just for the influence, an artist needs inspiration. they have more songs about death and inspiration... im so insane about this band. he's not grasping the situation, he thinks he's still falling in his dream forever but no it's wrong, it's done, it's done forever. "This coma kiss is infinite" no reason i just really like that line. a fluid and intricate dream also insinuates the fact that he remembers it crystal clear....

he's repeating it again, it makes me think he's somewhat grasping the situation but still in complete denial because oh it was so beautiful, death can't be beautiful. i am thinking about a soft green fleece blanket that looks like moss for no reason. he wrapped her up, drowned her, as she was bleeding out trying to stop it so now the blanket is soaked, she was struggling so it got everywhere. now she was the one who was suffocating, not him. "wrapped up in her" he might've been too delusional to realise what he was doing until it was too far gone and he had to make it final so he could never get rid of her even in death, so he made them inseparable from each other because this way they will always be connected.

it all got the better of him, his love became violent and too much, he betrayed himself and her by giving in to his dream like state. he know's he's delusional, that he's better left alone, he trusted himself too much and it landed him here.

morning arrived, it's still so fuzzy in his head he can't grasp it, the same song will have been embedded into his brain, their song, the only thing he could've heard. it's inseparable from the situation now, just like he and her... but the aftermath is grotesque, the ripped out hair, the smell of copper that will never leave. she tried to get out, the hair in the phone cord indicates, but he wanted it all for himself, he couldn't have anyone else nearby. it was a nightmare afterall, which figure would she have called upon if he had let her... he didn't want to find out. but now it's over and perhaps he doesn't know what happened. it was a nightmare not real life. something is wrong, so so wrong, why isn't she moving, why is there blood everywhere. heartrate speeding up yet skipping beats from the fear. something's not right. the fact that the music cuts out before the last line makes me think that it finally clicked, this wasn't a dream afterall

@pikslasrce never call me a coward again <3

@theslyvoid9 tagging you because ive been talking about this stupid song for months now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! moss and all!!!!!

DREAMING BY BOYS NIGHT OUT maybe ill finally be normal avbout this (lying) heres sleep deprived rambles of a song i am obsessed with.....

[wild-karrde]

CONGRATULATIONS KARRDE <3 <3 <3

if you have space left for your follower celebration i would LOVE some director's commentary!! i will, unsurprisingly, request something from in command, whatever part you'd like. if you want me to narrow it down a bit, i'd love to hear more about chapters 8, 12, or 13. but again, talk about whatever part you want!!

-- @cyarbika <333

BEEEEEEE THANK YOOOOOU!!! I honestly get so thrilled at your excitement about In Command, and am more than happy to blather about it at any given opportunity (*resists the urge to apologize for being annoying* see this is GROWTH). I might... do chapter 8? If that's ok? Mainly because I feel like I've shouted at you and other commenters a LOT about went on in my head for Ch. 12 and 13 (but also will absolutely do more given the opportunity).

Putting under a cut since it's got some spoilers. Also, heads up for mentions of attempted sexual assault (which takes place in this specific chapter).

OK OK OK so for Chapter 8, on this go-around I REALLY wanted touch to be a theme in the chapter. Rex and Senna have been often classified as "touchy feely", and I honestly lean into that a lot in my writing because I think that shows how much they immediately trust one another and how comfortable they are around each other.

At the beginning of the chapter, we see Senna frustrated because she feels like Rex is recoiling from her, and to her, that feels like she's done something wrong or that he's withdrawing that trust/comfort a bit. That frustrates her for several reasons (some of which she's still VERY MUCH in denial about), but we see how quickly that frustration shifts after she wakes Rex up from his nightmare.

Suddenly, she's also withdrawing now, but it's because she's having what I think is a pretty natural response to violence (even if it was completely unintentional on Rex's part). She still wants to trust Rex and be that comfortable around him, and to an extent, when she stays to sleep with him that night, it's her really trying to make things feel normal, even if they just don't. She knows, deep down, that wasn't Rex in the moment, that he wasn't being violent towards her, but she still withdraws and is rattled. Rex has been her first source of comfort in over a year, true comfort (not like her failed romantic endeavors), and the fact that she doesn't find as much of that comfort in him after that moment is hard for her.

And then here comes Fisk. I really did want to make him more awful on this go-round, and I feel like I've managed to do so. He really is a culmination of every guy that I've ever thought I had a handle on in terms of intentions. I unfortunately kind of think that's a widely-felt experience where you walk into a situation with a guy that you feel you've set a clear boundary for, or that you think surely won't do that thing, but then he lets you down. You may not even like the guy (like Fisk), but you at least figure you can handle him, that you can hold your own. Not that Senna necessarily expected much out of Fisk, but she did have some level of expectation that he'd adhere to her boundaries, and if she pushed back, he'd back off. And then he doesn't, and suddenly, she realizes she's completely misjudged the situation. In that moment, she does what a lot of us do in these situations: blames herself and considers the outcome something she has to bear because of her miscalculation (which no, fuck Fisk and every dude like him... this was admittedly a bit therapeutic in that respect). And at this point, even with her and Rex struggling slightly, Senna is still willing to do whatever is needed to keep Rex safe.

And then there's Rex, and in this moment, even with the turmoil between them, Senna finds comfort in his touch. Because even if things weren't clearly evolving romantically between the two of them, Rex would never do that to someone, and she knows that. He'd never hurt her in the way Fisk did, would never demand something of her that she didn't feel comfortable giving (oh hey parts of Ch. 14 how did you get here?). He's safety and comfort and gentleness that she hasn't felt in a year, even with the bruises on her throat. The one silver lining of this entire interaction with Fisk is that he cements that in her mind, that Rex is all of those things. This is the point where she starts to think about how nice it is to allow herself this, to think about what it's like to have someone in her life providing those things, and how she feels about it.

For Rex, this is also a moment where he realizes how much Senna cares for him (even if it's not explicitly romantic yet). This is a person that would do just about anything to keep him safe, and for him, he can count the non-clone people that would do the same on one hand. He's always been a protector, and to have someone go to that length to protect him? It's definitely not something he's used to, and it absolutely has a massive impact on him. I really wanted this to put things in perspective for him, for him to have this moment of epiphany where he really starts to examine his feelings for Senna and how those are changing and what they mean. Because yes, he'll do just about anything to keep her safe, but this time, it's not because she's a brother or because he sees her in the same way he sees Ahsoka. I really wanted to lay some seemingly innocuous breadcrumbs (like him blowing on her wrists) that would amount to more in the next chapter, because he's in deep and is just now starting to realize it.

Anyway, I've rambled enough (and to think I was originally gonna try to cover all three chapters you mentioned...). But THANK YOU AGAIN FOR THE KIND WORDS AND ASK, THE LOVELY COMMENTS THAT YOU LEAVE, AND JUST FOR BEING YOU, BEE! I APPRECIATE THE HECK OUT OF YOU!!!

Thanks for participating in my 800 Follower Celebration!

[d-esmond]

2, 5, 12, 17, 20 for mido and jules please :D

TYSM BELOVED

2. What would they do if the other woke in a manic state after a nightmare?

i hate this is frequent enough from both sides that i don't have to think about it much. said it before but mido has always been a fussy sleeper but after the death of his parents, nightmares and night terrors were very intense for a few yrs. it got a little better, he still has nightmares like. once a week maybe. (depends on what he was up to during the day etc) he has that moment of panic after waking up but he shuts down very quickly after that as like. a defense mechanism. and he would go have a smoke on the balcony or roof and not go back to sleep again <3 idk with jules he gradually realizes that staying with her helps just as well if not better. (and by gradual i mean Literal Years.) jules doesnt say anything, she just hugs him and plays with his hair and they stay cozy. if nothing else she knows that she needs to let him come to her. (and he eventually always does. yay)

jules suffers from fucked up dreams post-abstergo and they come with pretty intense hallucinations when she wakes up. the bleeding effect is fun and cool and not ruining her. she gets out of bed and paces around the house and rambles, like she doesn't know where and/or who she is. mido feels uncomfortable restraining her or anything bc theres been small violent outbursts. but he just. softly talks to her to give her some sort of anchor. like hey. here i am and he tells her abt who she is and describes the surroundings etc. sometimes he hums a slow little tune. he has a good low voice for that. and it helps and Then they will cuddle all night.

5. Describe their cozy night in.

i like that for two other ships i got very into detail abt what they get up to but uh. its just food and sex honestly. a movie won't happen, games won't happen. all is well. but yes, mido will insist on cooking for jules and since she looks cute on counters she will sit there and yap. she might burn some candles or turn on music. (followed by a discussion with mido bc his middle name is actually Insufferable Music Snob) the sex and everything before and after it takes hours bc they just. love being 100% having that time alone together. (though i have mentioned to macy once that jules would interrupt sex to text back lily. but thats all.)

12. Do they have many heated arguments? How do they smooth things over?

no <3 generally mido doesn't argue with anyone (unless its Very Serious) he just walks away. which is equally annoying but. thats beside the point. they have little moments of bickering about like. jules leaving her clothes on the floor or mido being unnecessarily rude to someone but jules never really takes anything too seriously so she ends up laughing abt it for no reason. and mido thinks thats very endearing so then they forget about it. they did have a One Time argument about him being unfaithful and the sleeping around, but it was mostly jules telling him like it is and he truly had no way of defending himself bc he brought that upon himself so. he would never ever admit it, but he knows when he fucked up.

17. Who’s more likely to pull the other in by the waist and kiss them passionately?

mido likes to think he takes the lead and mostly he does, but big gestures like that are jules' thing. he could be working on something and be Very focused and jules is like. yeah i'm gonna grab ur face and smooch u real hard. he doesn't mind. but he's more the type to be all slow and sneak an arm around her.

20. Choose one song that perfectly describes their relationship.

this is really the midojules song ever 2 me. since the very beginning. thanks king

special mention to this one.

[jimmycartersufo]

I just need to vent about pain and ocd and being autistic for a min so this may be triggering so I'm putting it behind a read more thing. so Cw for pots, issues with autism like melt downs, chronic pain, long covid, ocd.

yesterday the house behind us their dogs jumped our fence and ran around the whole court and into the next but they chased a poor stray cat up a tree. I don't think the dogs are violent or anything but they're puppies (husky) so they have energy and don't know what to do with it and what to do with cats. Anyway I tried to get the cat out of the tree so I picked up a log not thinking about anything else and I ended up literally covered in ants. like I felt my hand burning like static and looked and I was covered with hundreds of ants. after we returned home I ended up spiraling. I've been having an issue with contamination of food and drinks with bugs after an incident that happened the same day as the super Bowl where John got me a little pie, the ones you get from the gas station for a dollar, and I took a couple bites and noticed ants on my hands and it turns out that ants got to the pie. which makes sense bc it was a pie in a little cardboard box no plastic so if you're an ant you'd suss it out from miles away. Anyway it's been a thing that has stuck by me. it's always been a thing with me being nervous with food staying out, putting hot food in the fridge, etc but this was soo bad and has made me feel awful so basically I started to have a meltdown once everything was settled. I then noticed as I was drinking from my water cup that there was a tiny bit of mildew at the bottom of the cup. this put me over the edge plus I had taken allergy pills for the ant bites because I was very itchy and the itchy and weird stinging pain was irritating me so ofc ofc ofc I had a big meltdown which included me sleeping on the bathroom floor for comfort and for the solid feeling that a hard floor gives you. I woke up multiple times extremely groggy because with long covid/pots from long covid I have a hard time with normal things so I just... wasn't having a good time last night which included me trying to sleep. I had multiple nightmares about zionists and ants. I woke up yelling a couple times, basically having an anxiety attack in my dreams. I slept restlessly, obviously, so I would wake up without a pillow or my neck and head at weird angles. so when I actually woke up today I was in an immense amount of pain and feeling like a husk from the mental bullshit I was going through.

mentally I feel OK today but exhausted. like a deflated balloon. physically better by 6pm as it is now. but I'm having really bad hanger pain today, it's coming to me quicker it feels, or I don't have a grasp on time. or my neck is already hurting so I just feel it quicker. my hips hurt. random stabbing pains everywhere which is my normal ty long covid BUT with the ant situation my brain goes oh that's ants inside of you biting you :))))

I really need to shower. can't remember the day I did shower but I know it wasn't too long ago because I dyed my hair purple again. Thursday night? I've been relying on dry shampoo. I'm scared to shower today because of the tiles. tiles trigger me because of the thought of germs and fungus and mildew and bugs. what's sooo funny is we've been having an issue with a shitty member at work, she's been a problem for AGES and it got worse on Friday when she decided to scold a child and I went to her and said hey, if there's an issue with a visitor, you need to tell us and not talk to a visitor BECAUSE THAT VISITOR WAS A MINOR CHILD A MINOR!!!!! A CHILD!!!!! and she's like you're abusive you have abused me etc etc. one of her things is to give sob stories so Black women in particular will hug her it's a fucking thing her other thing is to tell you the graphic details of her sexual assault and abuse which then she explained to one of the security supervisors the reason why she spoke to a child she didn't know was not because the child being anywhere near her but the child jokingly hit their siblings leg ONCE and she saw it and scolded this child in the middle of our fucking lobby and considering this woman is also notoriously racist in the quirky little liberal way (pretending to be color blind but reading a Black person a poem she wrote pretending to be a slave) she was definitely scolding this child because they weren't white anyway I am very worried she gave graphic details to a fucking ten year old child trying to have fun in the museum. Anyway I bring this up because this woman tries to excuse all of her bad behavior on being a survivor of abuse and being triggered but she literally puts people, a captive audience, in a position where they may be triggered. like literally my first month in the job she gave me a graphic description of her sexual assault. and then whenever she confronted about something she either says you're abusive or she's like oh I never thought about it like that. meanwhile I'm afraid to shower because if I see a bug idk what I will do. like I can't shower because I'm afraid of the FUCKING TILES! it's just wild how white women in particular weaponize victimhood and survival. she uses it to collect Black women, because she hates Black men for the obvious racist reasons, and once those women aren't palatable and safe for her she turns on them. And for white women (I'm not a woman but I doubt she understands the concept of gender) when you no longer accept her ruse of being a sweet little victim who can't do harm because she's a victim then you are an abuser. which is funny because I have GONE OUT OF MY WAY to never speak to her in the three damn years I have worked here because of the first interaction I have had with her. she calls me abusive because I had to raise my voice to be heard in a busy lobby, but she also doesn't know who I am because she tried to introduce herself and ask me my name late last year because she did not recognize me, but then she also tried to harass me about not making eye contact with her and greeting her and when I told her I am autistic and I do not make eye contact she just turned around and walked away but yeah I'm Sooooo abusive. did I mention she wrote a poem pretending to be a slave?

which just reminds me of how stressful work has been. there's been a ton of bullshit. every god damn week there's something. multiple somethings. I'm tired. we went to John's family after work for Easter. no one stayed but his mom. so it was his mom and grandma and the whole time she complained about her sons not speaking to her enough and had the audacity to be like well Rea how would your mom feel like ma'am, I have a good relationship with my mom, perhaps it is time for self reflection but regardless of that I really found myself struggling to stay masked as in have the right face, the right tone, the right amount of eye contact, etc. I instantly felt drained. working at the museum the last three years is what triggered me looking into an autism diagnosis despite me suspecting since 2018 at the very least, having autistic people tell me for years, etc. I am not able to fully perform the whole customer service role like I used to but I wonder if I was actually doing such ever. or did I just not realize. it's been a lot of looking back and analyzing and realizing that oops someone should have noticed but for the reasons we know it never really happened. Anyway it was a specific interaction I had with my now former boss where we had these jazz concerts we did and one was coming up and I said I'd work the like second or third one but I had questions and I was like oh I dint know much about this event what should we expect and she had kinda snapped at me and was like Rea your coworker is working this event not you you don't have to be stressing etc and it was.... weird. she sometimes did that, not often but it was a thing that would happen and I felt like very weird because I thought I was asking so calmly and it was a spark like..... is my perception of my social interactions different than everyone else's????? is it truly that bad? but no, actually it wasn't. but me needing to know what to expect even months in advance was Def a major sign and it was literally me needing an accommodation except asking for something explained isn't accommodation it's like, my fucking job but anyway!!!!!

today is a pain day. that was the point. I'm in pain I feel awful. I had a vertigo spell whole laying down but I need to lay down because the pain. Just got a notification the neck massager I ordered from tik tok shop should finally be here tomorrow. I got it because there's no way it isn't good when they have people moaning and whimpering online and I really need something for my neck stiffness and pain. Anyway!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am hoping that soon I will be OK enough to shower. I miss our old shower only because it was big enough where I could shower with John which was really helpful. maybe he can sit there in the bathroom with me?????

I need to stop venting and rambling and go lay down again and drink some water. at least I have a lot of food bc of Easter :) and I can eat ham and Mac and Cheese cold which I prefer because I don't always like. hot food esp if I'm already feeling bad and shitty!!!!! cold Mac and cheese really hits. and my dad made it and he used jumbo noodles which is like not a thing but he wanted to lol and I actually rly like them!