#i did also cry a few hours ago but thats unrelated

[humblefryingpan]

Watching shaun of the dead while emotional asf and I've cried ✨three times✨ so far (spoilers)

- when that pigeon dies at the start

- a few minutes later thinking about the pigeon

- shauns reaction to barbara dying

[remnantsofhersoul]

I wrote this somewhere else but wanted to make sure I had it to keep to refer back to in future hard times. Its basically what I wrote earlier tonight, just in way more detail.

Right now, and for the last few weeks. It's been as bad as my 'worst' days have ever been. I hurt so fucking much. My insides feel like they've been squished. I don't have words to describe how much it hurts. I'm sharing this story basically because I'm trying to hold on to today & the memory of the amazing people I have that are going to help me through this, so my head doesn't go back totally to where the dark is trying to kill me. This may be idolising in terms of BPD but I feel like its justified given what they did for me, and I know myself very well by now. I am not going to ask for more than I absolutely need. Even if its just the praise for pulling myself out of this hole is so much more gratifying to me these days than any support I can receive ongoing from being in this hole and far less painful. Just incase anyone does read this and feels like maybe thats where this is going. If you have BPD or DPD particularly please don't read this. For your sake. I know if I read this from someone else, it was leave me feeling very gutted. But, if you want a good story about the mental health system and services maybe do. TLDR? I don't blame you, I wouldn't either.

So, last night in desperation knowing I actually cannot go on like this wrote a rambley letter to a worker at a service that has supported me. Basically I lived in one of their residential programs, when they transitioned to become the ones who run it. That sentence makes no sense, sorry. While there I started to attend a group they run for young people >25. The lady who runs it is the most calm, kind, gentle human I've ever had the pleasure to meet. I saw a psych with their service for about a year after I was discharge from the main 'serious cases' public mental health services for young people in australia. I finished up with her because I was coping better and she was leaving to have a baby. It seemed like the right time to try things myself. 

Anyways. Back to today. I had a group meeting for the group I previously mentioned. I took the letter I wrote not sure if I should give it to her. Anyways, I ended up going through with it at the end because I felt like shit as I was leaving knowing I was going back to this pain. I didn't expect her to read it then. I knew she had a meeting after seeing us, so it might not have even been read til tomorrow. But she did. She tried to ring me almost straight away. I missed her call because I was driving. She said 'it really sucks but we'll sort something out. I'll talk to you soon'. I didn't reply but it was a huge relief given I was terrified telling her. Within 20 minutes my old psych rang who I missed the call to, I only felt it vibrate when the call ended. I didn't know exactly who had rang because when I called back it was just one of the offices reception. I was a little bit concerned they had rung the youth clinic given where the missed call was from. I then got a voice message and a txt from the old psych, which made me feel better but also anxious. My old psych is a really lovely person who I really got along with and enjoyed seeing. However, she does sometime come across as being a bit hard, you know, like those really blunt, tell you how it is kinda people. Plus she's only just back from maternity leave, so I felt bad for needing help as soon as she got back, even if I left it with her over a year ago. Considering I already felt like I had done something wrong by telling the lady from the group, maybe she would just like ask if I was okay, tell me to be okay & leave it at that. When in actual fact she asked in the voice msg to txt her and in the txt "I just spoke to 'support group lady' and she shared your letter with me (side note, I said in the letter she could share it with her). We're here to help and support you through this. Msg or call me on this number so we can organise a time to meet up for a chat".

That whole event was the best thing that could have possibly come out of what I did today. 

I rang her back in the car park of the shop I went to. She was so good to me. Used that really empathetic voice that some people can just have like through just the tone of their voice they can say "things really are at there worst, I hear that, I can hold you pain and I'm genuinely here for you". She offered for me to come in TODAY and see her. That was just unbelievable to me. Especially given I hardly expected anything to come of all this when I gave the lady the letter this morning. So, just for context I was at the group from 10-11 this morning. I spoke to psych around 11:40 and she made a time to see me at 2. She left a training day early to have time to see me. I just can't get my head around people caring this much. Hence, why theres so much detail here. I think maybe also they know I'm not going to say 'things are as bad as the worst has ever been' lightly.

So, I went and dropped the little bit of shopping I got at home and told my mum I was going back out to see a friend. While I was at home the group lady called back and said a lot but what I remember was 'we're going to rally around you and get you through this.' she probably said something really positive and encouraging about who she thinks I am because she's really wonderful at giving compliments. 'I think you have enough psychs and stuff right now, you don't need that for me to but I want to offer you a time to meet with me and we can go out or do art stuff at the office. Just give you time away from your head and the yucky stuff'. So I'm seeing her Thursday to do some random art in the office. Its really nice to have planned multiple support days this week. Just knowing something is coming will hopefully help get my through this pain, especially given its so intense and so unrelenting that I think I would actually go through with killing myself this week if they hadn't come together to provide so much support right now. 

After that call I went to the shopping centre to try to get some lunch because I knew it would be way too hard to stay at home. I got some lunch but couldn't eat it. It's like chewing is too much effort right now & therefore too painful. I got a few other things I didn't really need because I'm a useless human who can't manage money. I then sat in the car for half an hour, drove to the appointment, got there 15 mins early & went in 10 mins early.

Psych got back from the training a few minutes after 2 and met me while she was coming in the door. She had that voice again as she asked me how I was. She went and put her stuff down, got a note pad & her diary then came back in a couple of minutes. We didn't talk about much. I just said how I was feeling, caught her up on some stuff, got teary. Told her how I felt stupid and like a failure and pathetic so many times for being back here. She tried to tell me otherwise but I think the last time stuck. She said the same phrase the other lady did "we're going to rally around you right now and get you through this". That phrase sounds so stupid when I write it down but its just the perfect thing to hear. I think she also talked about the whole holding the hope for me. Just talked about how its hard to me to see how things can get better for me but they can. Which didn't completely piss me off like it does sometimes. Probably because she coupled it with talking about when we finished she figured that I would need some more support and that its okay. I told her about how suicidal I am and how I self harmed last week. How Friday I couldn't go home because I thought I would kill myself. She held it all. There are different psychs in this world. There are ones who can sit with someone who is very suicidal and make them feel grounded because you remain grounded or psychs who freak out and go into crisis mode with the smallest hint of suicidal thinking. I had never experienced what she is like because I was fairly stable when I was seeing her. I was so glad she was the grounded type. She did suggest hospital. I knew it was coming. She said 'don't bite my head off'. I said that all that would achieve is me feeling extremely invalidated and leave feeling much worse and more likely to go through with it. She also sat with my justification for not going to the GP (she's not been very supportive & the psych agreed) and not talking to mum. I know she knows my story which helped. She knows I'm honest, smart, reasonable. Which really helped. I was greatful she didn't push any of these as the solution and was okay to sit with not having a solution. So many people wouldn't have done that or been able to do that. She offered many times for me to suggest anything under the backing of 'Its okay if you don't know. its okay if you don't know, we just want you to suggest anything if you think we can do anything'. She actually said she & the other lady would do anything. They would do 20 cartwheels if that made me feel better. I guess she knows I wouldn't ask for much and know their limitations too. It think what finally made me feel less guilty was her saying something like that I'm very mature and insightful kind of thing and I know when too much is too much. That she thinks that me reaching out proves that and that I'm brave for doing it. Even though I think I would be brave if I actually went through with ending it. Before we finished she said something like 'aw I don't think I've ever seen you cry'. I think she was worried about letting me go but also knew there wasn't anything else she could do and had a group to run. I said something stupid about sewing to deflect her question about what i was going to do after, not in a 'I'm going to do this.. more like I've been doing this & this makes me smile for the moment I need to smile for you'. 

In the moments I'm okay, I'm like 'wow, what did I do to deserve such incredible people in my life. What did I do to deserve such amazing mental health support in the moment I needed it the most'. Genuinely, genuinely I feel so incredibly lucky. It might be a god awful situation and I'd take still feeling okay over this any day. But it made me feel so truely cared about and important for them to actually give a shit. To actually take this seriously. To do something and to be okay with not doing something all in the same breath. Who gets that, in this world that is still so fucked up in the way we treat mental health? Who gets to experience what good mental health care is in the moment they need it the most? I have had really good luck and experiences over all with my mental health treatment but particularly today. If you did happen to read all this, please go back and read what I wrote at the start as to why I needed to document this so extensively. Now for a little while. I'm not crying and not in agony & I'm going to use what they gave me today to hopefully help me get through the next few days or weeks til I have this under control.