#i couldve seen 20 other anime

[eastereggie]

hihi !! this is eggie/cam :] im sure that people in the kaeloo fandom recognize me so hello !!

i cannot believe that my very first own post on tumblr, especially about a fandom that ive always cherished, for 6 years now (going strong !!!!) will be about the current drama but here we go, since that shit seems to escalade to a level that i consider dangerous:

THIS IS A WHOLE BUNCH OF ADULTS FIGHTING WITH MOSTLY MINORS TO WRITE SMUT (or if you dont like the word, p0rn, because its not less than that) OF ANIMALS WHO ALSO HAPPENS TO BE KIDS. this is it. thats what the drama is about.

all the posts going around, all the victimisation, all the new s3xual fanfictions dropping for "psychological studies" or whatever all the bullshit youre telling yourself to be seen as a saint, this is what this is about: people, mostly in their late 20s, even if i recall seeing younger people being in this weird side of the fandom, fighting for their life to make their harmful headcanons (to avoid saying, again fantasies) acceptable. so ill repeat it again, for this side of the fandom and anyone else: THIS. IS. NOT. ACCEPTABLE. this is not about having a different opinion, this is not about the freedom of speech or letting people enjoy things in peace; and you cannot be upset, to the point that you are tracking IPs (thats creepy as hell btw), making whole edits about the situation (this one is just funny so i had to talk about it) because people are calling you out. you are NOT being harassed. you are NOT the victim. you are NOT defending yourself. this isnt what it is about at all. you are just an adult, watching a kid show and deciding that 90% of your fanfics about it will include sex (and not just casually, no, in EVERY CHAPTER. ew). this is just gross, and whats even worse is acting like you're not the one who should be blamed. its not new in the fandom to see people being THIS creepy, but a part of me thought that we maybe moved past this but well...

there is no other way of saying this, i really wish i could make this whole post a little bit more polite, but i genuinely think that some of you have never been confronted to the consequences of their actions, since you reassure yourself by hanging out with people as weird as you who will obviously agree with you.i used to feel disapointed, sad and upset to see people i considered as friends turning out like that, but honestly this is all just embarrassment at this point... i truly hope this whole stuff will calm down soon, though it couldve been stopped way earlier if a certain part of the fandom didnt start using tumblr to childishly provoke the people who called them out. if you want to continue being creeps, or pretend that you're not the problem, as you wish ! but dont except people to accept you or whatever, create your own "safe place" and stay in there, for the sake of everyone else. hopefully yall will grow out of your "everyone is against me" phase, even if its a little late for that considering the fact that some of you are older than 21 already :) but its never too late ! (if you made it this far i apologise for the yapping and tysm for taking the time to read all of that lol)

-eggie ^_^

[mayzingly]

all the s2 ep3 parts ruined with yapping

!!SPOILERS, IF YOU HAVENT WATCHED ANY OF THEM GO WATCH THEM!!

I haven’t seen an episode be split up in parts since s1 ep10, so either Brittany decided to do it in parts instead of all at once because she knew we would complain about it literally being three months since the last one, or THEYRE COOKING

^^^^^^^^

so the episode starts with them walking on a path, which means im allowed to assume that Pyrare and Ajacenus went in the forest and then got ajavex from somewhere.

first thing I notice right off the bat is how enthusiastic they are about beating their sister up😭😭 like y’all are forgetting that whatever injuries ajaceare gets, ajacent has to deal with. they just don’t fade once she becomes uncorrupted, do they

that’s all I had to say about the first part, since it was surprisingly more boring than I remember

^^^^^^^^

this is my favorite out of the prevs.

the episode starts with ajaceare running like she just got 500$ from her mom and was told she could spend it on anything. dub then asks her how collecting pieces has been going. she pulls out a BIG ASS BAG. if im correct there are 20 artists featured in jsab minus the ones that already gave their pieces and some of them are one timers (avenza, pegboard nerds (iirc), plesco, silva hound, nanobii, TECHNICALLY omnitica, etc etc) so like where did she get all them pieces???

there are multiple theories about who those people could be, but I choose to believe theyre 2/5 out of Shirobon because

THATS A TAIL. AND YOU KNOW WHAT HAS A TAIL? A FOX. AND YOU KNOW WHATS A SONG BY SHIROBON IN JSAB? FOX!!! TOTES DIDNT RUN ON ONE HOUR OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT😃😃😃😃

also, I hope this is just a transition because OTHERWISE HOW DID SHE NOT NOTICE THEM.

one sentence to describe this episode: tri-py.

anyways, onto the next one. you better get your popcorn ready cause im about to RANT.

*cracks knuckles*

and OF COURSE SHES ON A TREE.

why is literally every monster either corrupted or a pacifist in tpc. like YALL GOT FIGHTING SKILLS, USE EM “don’t you know we monsters never attack shapes??” That’s only for YOU, your SAILOR MOON HAVING ASS HAIR LOOKING ELDER SISTER, and “SAILOR MOON”’S BITCHASS BARRACUDA HAVING FRIEND.

girl. im sorry but if I was a monster id be throwing these hands left and right.

“How could you have gotten corrupted like this?” gee idk, maybe a corrupted person touched her!??? Shocking wow “You’re supposed to stay in the mountains like the rest of us!!” bro shes 1000, im pretty sure shes able to not be huddled under u all the time.

“Now give me your pieces!!”

again, this makes

NO.

FUCKING.

SENSE!!!

IF SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT PYRARE, SHE WOULDVE SAID “Give me HIS pieces!” But instead shes saying “Your”.

I don’t know WHY the hell Ajacenus and ajavex would even have pieces, because it’s clear that they don’t have the triangle symbol like every other group member, but even if they did, IT WOULD BE INCOMPLETE BECAUSE AJACENUS IS SUPPOSED TO BE WICKED - AVENZA AND AJAVEX IS DEADLOCKED - F-777!!! SEE HOW ITS TWO DIFFERENT ARTISTS???

AND PLUS, EVEN IF SHE DID JUST MEAN PYRARE, HE WOULDNT HAVE A SINGLE PIECE BECAUSE THEY HAVENT GONE TO THE LAND OF TRIANGLES YET!!!

CAUSE I KNOW DAMN WELL SHE DIDNT FORGET TO ANIMATE THE HAIR DETAILS. I DONT GET WHY THEYRE LEFT OUT OF THIS, THEY COULDVE USED THE SHIELD FROM HER DRESS INSTEAD!!

PYRARE, MOVE!!! QUIT BEING LAZY!!! MOVE YOUR FACE!! DUMBAS-

AND THEN YOU HAVE THE NERVE TO CLAP. BRO.

BROOOO🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

one sentence to describe this episode: BRITTANY COOKED BUT NOBODYS HUNGRY🔥🔥

last and definitely least, is the 4th part. now, the whole video was a bossfight so I don’t have much to say except SHE GOT PUFF PONYTAILS YAAAAAAAAA

I hope she isn’t batshit ugly or I might just remove s2 ep3 part 5 from my consciousness once it comes out

…yeah I had to remove it from my consciousness because WTH is this

“What happened to me?” Girl do you have the big D? (dementia)

HAHAHHH THE STUPID FACE HE MADE IN THE HALLOWEEN SHORT IS BACK, only thing I’m happy about. However…

“It isnt right for a male to hit a female” dude sybau. you throw hands all you want if you feel provoked. pussy.

anyways, onto dub. his section was the only entertaining part. Seeing him tweak like that genuinely made me go “😧” IRL

“Which caretaker is it!? I swear if it’s the anxious one…” made me BUST OUT laughing. Though I do wonder what he would’ve done if the flower lied to him and said it was “the anxious one” who I’m assuming is cube.

“So you decided to come out of retirement?” im curious about this, because… how does he even go into retirement in the first place?

though, I’m gonna talk about three things here.

1. I think (Altered) finally gives us an answer to what Circusic meant in episode 2. “The same way you are!” So we all saw him get revived by the reaper and turn into circubit, so when he says that I can only guess that Iris got revived that same way. You get revived, but with some perks, aka ALTERATIONS.

2. Every flower is infected? That means George is probably back.

3. Circusic is infected??? Either he doesn’t know that hes uncorrupted; or HES BAAAACK!!!!

[lqfiles]

BRO STFU STFU CAN WE ALL JUST ARREST LQFILES AND HOLD HER HOSTAGE BC WTF YN BEING HURT WASNT MUCH BUT IK THE ANGST IS GONNA HURT SO BAD IF I FELT BAD DURING THAT UPDATE omgggg

also I see that little “2 months” MY MAN HAECHAN IS BEING SO LOYAL WITHOUT REALIZING IT OMG yk he goes crazy with the “i love my gf so back tf up before i personally fight you for disrespecting her” if anyone flirts with him like he would be more offended than mc 😭

“i also got tired of ppl liking me for being haechan instead of really me” goes crazy bc that’s why he loves bothering mc since she gives him back the same energy without trying to suck up to him since she can’t stand him (she’s starting to and i love the progress 🥺)

BUT PUT your hands up PUT EM UP

but awwwww thank you for the update!! you bless us so much ☹️🫶🏼 GIVING YOU A BIG SMOOCH ON THE CHEEK

and for comic con, it was going to be my second timeeee it finished yesterday but the traffic was crazyyyy. it’s like 15-20 minutes away from my house and it was hellll, i didn’t get to go but one of my friends did go and she was dressed up as an anime character i think and another friend saw an actress from marvel (lupita nyong’o) and im so bummeddd i could’ve seen so many actors

ALSO LA IS NOT FAR FROM HERE AND TO BE IN KCON OMGGG I COULDVE SEEN NCT GUYS PLSSSS

hehe bro mark went crazyyy omg but you guys KNOWWWW i just have something for yuta, i go crazy 🫶🏼🫶🏼🫶🏼

“do you hate me?” is the number one question i ask my bf 24/7 😭😭 it gets annoying so i change it up like “would you love me if i was a worm?” or “so you don’t love me? i guess you want me to dieee” or “would you kiss another girl if it meant saving me from dying?” heh thankfully he doesn’t get annoyed 😭🙏🏼

BUT YESS LISTEN TO THOSE SPANISH SONGS AND GIVE ME YOUR REVIEWS AND I’LL TELL YOU WHAT IT MEANS IN DEPTH 🫶🏼 IM HAPPY TO TEACH YOU SPANISH YOU AMAZING HUMAN BEING

- 🫧

(lemme know what you want to learn btw!!)

GIRL DONT ARREST ME… arrest haechan if anything 🤦🏽‍♀️ but yasss if you think these stuff lowk hurt her now just wait till haechan is gonna be conflicted and unintentionally hurt her..

ALSO YES HE’S BASICALLY BEEN SHOWING HIS LOYALTY FR always mentioning how she’s the only girl he likes talking to or still keeps in contact with.. he would DEFINITELY be the type to do that once he gets in a relationship with her like before he liked all the attention but his eyes will be only for her so he wouldn’t even entertain the other girls fr

SHE LIKES HIM FOR WHO HE IS FR like he can be shamelessly annoying because that’s how they started but now he finds it endearing and it’s also the reason he likes talking to her like she really does make him like his true self 🥺

its unfortunate that you didn’t get to go but i’m happy your friends got to go!!!! YOULL HO NEXT TIME and you’re lucky as hell to live near LA, u genuinely was going through it because i wasn’t able to experience fact check 2 baddies and walk live like FUCKKK i should’ve been there

I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE WOULD SAY TO THE KISSING OTHER FIRLS ONE OMGGG we will use that for bonus chapters and haechan will indeed be the one asking that 😄 that’s such a fun relationship tho i hope you two last forever <3

I LOVE TOU AND YASS ILL TELL YOU SOON WHAT I THOUGHT OF THE SONGS you’re amazing and i’m glad you liked the update, and umm please let me know how to say “i’m hungry” 👀👀

[lakesbian]

they whip out a completely forged wanted poster for their good close personal friends dog & catcher falsely accusing them of being child abusers to uno reverse card "no YOU" get the other bounty hunters after them to jail dog and catcher as well. dog and catcher get a comedic number of handcuffs slapped on sy and jessie like 20 handcuffs each for these scrawny ass teens and they blatantly + brazenly lockpick every single one directly in front of a jail guard who is cartoon-style distracted by a guy in another cell coming down with the plague. catcher (in the cell next to them) liveblogs sy and jessie breaking themselves out to the guard the entire time and the guard is just like yeah uh huh whatever. they can't get the last set of handcuffs on sy unlocked and for a moment catcher is briefly smug that he outwitted this little shit in at least one singular way . and then sy uses the power of being the smallest boy youve ever seen to slide his hands and wrists directly out of the handcuffs without unlocking them like someone stepping sideways thru implausible cartoon jail bars. they dont even hurt the jail guard sy just taps him on the head with some metal and goes "bonk. youre dead. by which i mean notice how i couldve murdered you right there but didnt. can you just let us go so i dont have to actually murder you." and the guard does actually let them go. we need an animated twig adaptation thats deeply faithful to this arc. and yes it does have to include the scene immediately prior to this where sy is standing on jessie's shoulders to set up a cartoon shenanigans trap for dog + catcher and jessie jokes about bottoming for him and hes like [stupid] huh what

genuinely debating rereading the transhet bonnie & clyde arc of twig bc of how funny and good the sy and jessie shenanigans were but i fear i would spend too much time thinking of the horrors to come after it and getting mad. but it did have so many good parts.

[foxstens]

i........... ive seen 20 anime thus far

[tobebugjewce]

THE WALTEN FILES: my jumbled notes on my blind run-in with this web series

first off this is gonna be long and unorganized, also this is my second time writing this as i had lost literally half of my progress and im This (imagine two fingers almost touching with a 0.0000000001mm distance between them) close to ripping all of the fucking hair out of my goddamn head. but now this will be extra long and yes, i will lose some accuracy to my first writing but thats okay ill probably edit this a kajillion times over

which brings me to my next tangent; im literally braindumping here. so to have a smidge of organization all afterthoughts, edits and corrections will be boldened, i forgot what im gonna do with italicized text but ill probably bolden it here yeah im pretty sure its for side tangents, separate from Corrections, which are in bold. also theyre for emphasis too.

so in general, this post right here is all of my notes i wrote down on my grid-patterned sticky notes (which i used WAYYYY too much of) about the first 3 uploaded walten files youtube videos transferred onto my handy dandy digital notebook, this b(l)og. yeppers peppers. you know im serious about this shit when i typed probably over like a thousand fucking words including boldened shit, italicized shit and motherfucking links, lost it ALL, and im sitting here re-typing it again.

i feel bad about this but im not gonna trigger warn right here, but this is technically a warning. if you want a list of triggers as to what this post (and the walten files in general) i will link a little list to that here

without further a doo doo, (mama mia) here the fucking fuck we go again.

THE WALTEN FILES - VIDEO #1

clarifying this now, im gonna put some useless shit which i thought was code onto this because even though it was useless it was part of my notes and im physically going to combust if i dont put down every single thing i wrote on my papers. so what i thought was code was in the closed captions, i started writing it down when i got to the second video but came back to my first videos notes to include them. i wrote down the first letter to every word that was capitalized in the closed captions, which i had on as a default because number one i knew going into this id need them because most web horror things like args and cryptic shit like that has some of the most crucial shits in the closed captions. number two i am autistic and have auditory processing issues and have most closed captioning on as a default if theyre available.

firstly jotted, i wrote down the closed captions “code” so im gonna put the rest here too: HYWITB(BSI)Y A(BSI)BJWFKWITW ILHHFSBBSBTLBWI USOISTBNBSFIRBCAWHSHCBWHTAIGRNB*C*BTWLTSFA(20)MCFP ILITIIACPH(1978, 1979)SA(4)YTSCH*C*OGSSU SFTGRPATDBBUTFBNLLCHMIHLBRALLCLAYTUKB*LC*WHATWASTHATTHING 

the numbers in parenthesis are there because i wasnt sure they should be included in the “code” or not. i also thought of this with the BSI - bunny smiles incorporated and also the years 1978 and 1979. the shits in asterisks are coughs and light coughs, which were capitalized in the closed captions so i included them too just in case

i then jotted, in parenthesis of course, the names of the animatronics when they were listed in the animation section of the video; bon aka the blue bunny, sha aka the sheep one, boozoo aka the clown<3 honk<33, and banny aka the purpled eyelashed up one who is also a bunny btw. also i got boozoo the clown and boozoo the mustache guy confused because apparently the clowns name is billy???? but they named “boozoo” in bons sleepover and showed the clown? idk maybe im an idiot and theyre the same or just an idiot and theyre different or a super mega (matt and ryan?!?!??) idiot in general which is probably the case

i started drawing little stars to write down things i thought would be super important or to 100% look at again. the first subject of this pointy torture was the part of the video where at 3:00, i marked it down to make sure to reverse the audio as it was most definitely a weird audio that has that signature warp-y effect that makes sure you KNOW its in reverse. i then listened back to it Very carefully (still got it wrong) and got this: “you finally start to remember. that old doll. they will look out for you soon” im also pretty sure i heard “sophie” at the end of that audio but im not entirely sure and dont remember and i dont wanna go back to check lmfao but anyways it didnt matter because i was wrong anyway. after i had finished all 3 walten files i watched the film theory video on the walten files (which didnt cover all 3 but was dece.) out of curiosity and to hear matpats signature silly little voice explain some stuff i already knew, and click some shit in my brain that i couldve thought up of if i was a bit more... i dont know honestly. anyways yeah so the actual audio is “you finally start to remember. that old day. they will look out for you soon.” so yeah. day, not doll.

i then wrote down “sarah evelyn”, the name on the bons sleepover animation (i dont remember if she created it or animated it or whatnot) and scribbled will she matter? under her name. turns out no, as i didnt see her name in the rest of the series, let alone the first video. this is also a great time to mention how matpat theory helped me realize that the walten files are collections of videos, uploaded onto youtube by anthony. (i already knew about anthony as he signed his name in the descriptions of the youtube videos, making me categorize this overall web series more into an arg type genre.) but yes, the tapes, recorded “irl” footage, animated clips, vhs tape recordings and other audio-visual content is all collected and labeled the walten files, as i had mistaken each video to be a tape. stupid me. alrighty, onward!

i starred this one, good for me; MISSING: Jack Walten LAST SEEN: 06/11/1974

i jotted down with an arrow that; sophie was a nightguard? she was wearing the uniform explained in tape 2 i dont know why but i went back into my video 1 notes after i had watched video 2. organization purposes. i guess.?? 

i then paused the video when the screen flickered a date, the beginning of video footage dated 10/10/1982 (Brian Stells?) god my little genius ass assuming the videographer was brian stells, based on the id card i saw earlier.

i then wrote down what text i saw on the dead, mangled, bloody body in the purple security suit; “i cant feel anything” “he thought i was her” then drew a little arrow pointing to; thought brian was sophie? or ashley? i also starred the name Brian Stells this is totally out of order LMFAOOOOOOOO also i wrote down ashley because, again, my little pea brain went back on my video 1 notes after watching video 2. but yep thats all i wrote for The Walten Files 1 - Company Introductory Tape

THE WALTEN FILES - VIDEO #2 

Tape #1 - created 07/02/1978

awesome how thats first and foremost in the captions. god. so sexy of you martin walls. /j /nsx

this pack of notes is chunkier because again, like i have mentioned before i am an absolute goober and thought the capitalized letters of the words would actually mean something. I MEAN MAYBE THEY DO AND IM JUST DOING IT WRONG but i stopped doing it after this video because holy shit it was exhausting and my stupid little fingers couldnt take the writing anymore becasue i am WEAK. 

so write off the bat (squeak) i wrote down 197[] the blacked out rectangle over the last digit of that year and everything im also now assuming its probably 1978 or 1974 because lore reasons but whos to say but yeah i also wrote down this;

Tape #2 - created 08/13/1978

then, straight up in the beginning of the video i caught it, the flash of text, as i had by now realized i gotta be SUPER stupid focused on the screen in case i miss anything, i wanted to be crazy precise on my theorizing and mental notes, among other things. but yes i saw it, the first half of a youtube link;  “https://youtu” 

claps hands together and rubs them evilly. oh yeah baby. thats the hot lunch. this shit right here? the cats pajamas. lets fucking go.

i wrote down this goofy shit i pasued to inspect when i saw bon sorting through a file cabinet and naturally scribbled down the labels and other written things i could see on the files; 

relocate X/X/75 felix

storage K-9 07/23/1975 felix k(ranken)

Bons Burgers 06/28/1974 Jack Walten

Shipping Service 1975

New Location -> 1982

i also wrote down more goofy shit, like when banny was created for some reason; in 1974

starred, i noted to go back and reverse the audio at 5:09, when played back, i didnt write it down so i dont remember. lmao.

i also marked to screenshot and brighten the darkened image i saw at 5:20, i was going to do it on my phone then realized i can just do it on my computer so i quickly took a screenshot, brightened it and wrote down what i saw; a missing person poster that read MISSING: SUSAN WOODINGS(?) Last seen: 1974 i was very unsure of the spelling of her last name because the image was so goddamn low quality and grainy but its what i saw. this is where tape #3 gets thrown in, which im gonna type again because i like how the formatting looks;

Tape #3 - created 07/09/1978 (BEFORE tape 2?!//1/1??? its more likely than you think)

i wrote down more dates, any dates i saw, i jotted down. i wrote; 

Technical Support 1978 

then, 

Brian Stells (for some reason i dont remember right now)

alrighty this is where the stupid capitalized letters come in, but before it looks like i vomit a keysmash time infinity on this, ill put down the little inbetween things i wrote in the midst of the caps lockalypse like timestamps and stuff, so here you go;

- Reverse at 8:16 which i did but of course didnt write down what i heard. i think it was too warbled to hear anything clear out of it, or it was just the good ol auditory processing issues fucking me over yet again. WAIT yep yes i did here it is: “rosemary would go to the restaurant every night hoping that [her] beloved husband would reappear after being missing for weeks but no response until one day [s]he heard a voice [saying] ‘i know where he is rosie’ coming from the back stage” the bracketed stuff is the corrections, i misheard the audio and thought the audio said “his”, “he” and “singing” like a nimrod

- Brighten at 10:14 which was another missing person poster, but i dont think it had any information on it because i didnt write it down, just;

- Sophie again (pic at 9:08?) (dismemberd and put in Sha) i was stupid and wrong haha idiot it was rosemary who was put in sha but anywho

i starred and underlined a huge thing i discovered which was;

- Walten had 3 kids which i dont remember how i found out but it doesnt matter, its good important info i uncovered.

- Tape #4 - Unkown Date

- recorded 07/12-07/14 1978 

- Hilary B, Ashley P & Kevin W i made sure to get these names down as soon as i saw them on screen but then realized shortly after i wouldnt really need to have it as the closed captions made sure i knew which person was talking by using their first initial (capitalized of course) before each line of text. this is the perfect time to announce the arrival of the clusterfuck of capital letters, which is going to include colons which will indicate that the letter before it is the initial of the person talking. without further aedue, here comes another chinese earthquake;

TCWTSTATO(K-9)TBSSFWFCNEHAWBSUBIUC(BSIIDC)OWHISF INBIJTILNSPL(K-9)LCSCKCCCWTTLTLITTTYROTFAJAMHPYYSTCSPMBBWSBIB H:NTPPCCK:DA:HH:YCPRPMWTCBCRAWK:JH:SYYTCPBACPSTBAWCA:TK(?):FMTTCMK:TCPNOA:DTOFK:ITNPPRA:YBUTIRRFH:HKIBESRAIA:TCK:WA:WPCCFTRRIDPEH:GGK:GPA:LKK:WA:HNCGTKMK:YH:IGKA:ESK:MFH:RK:HILRLBNTRPPUWHITRRTPEIFEPH:YWBEBPK:MAHPBTRPTRPEL(LN)HTACPKLIKHPFITSKLTKLB(LB?)ISIBSUBIPRW AEBATHSPUAICTPURTWBBRPHTRTIIIILTCITCUCCP S(bpe, be)WA”IDCPBPSIB

holy shit its finally over okay now onto some MORE of what i wrote down in between and also after that keysmash attack;

12 doors? (backrooms) 27? 26? i was unsure because ashley was unsure too lmfao

found cassette (6/11/78) <- says “discard”? yeah it did

Tape in clown audio, speaking voice; jack, susan, charles(?), rosemary, sophie, last word sounds like “walrus” it was walten lmfao

Ashley died? yeah she did lmfao OR AT LEAST I THINK SO??

starred this one, Reverse @ 17:06, then got this;

“they left the next day, they thought ashley left early, but she was in the backdoors, screaming as much as she could, but no one heard the screams, the following days the caretakers would complain about an awful smell coming from the backdoors, company decided to shut down facility until new advice, the relocate project was unsuccessful. ashley is still there, but she is not screaming anymore, she saw something she wasnt supposed to see and now shes beautiful” the phrase “shes beautiful” was repeating like a bajillion times in that wall of text. then, god motherfuckng bless: 

at 17:23 i found the other half of the youtube link, “.be/k07QqEDOfQ” i pieced that bad boy together as instant as i think any form of ramen could never be, but remained ever patient. because i made sure to jot down this before moving onto my next segment;

@ end of vid 2, “shadow man sees* me when lights go off” im an idiot *it was actually ���feeds” not “sees”, which AGAIN, i only found out after watching the stupid little film theory video *begins snarling and foaming at the mouth*

okay im not proud to admit im editing this to post it and realized ive lost my notes. well. 

might as well post what ive got! if i find my shit ill add onto this, i suppose.

[unproduciblesmackdown]

multiples of 4

sweet thank you..

4. how did your elementary school teachers describe you?

probably like “pleasure to have in class” and that kind of thing....like, i pretty much just read and kept to myself

8. movies or tv shows?

usually movies ig..

12. name of your favorite playlist?

i don’t really make/use playlists lol it’s absolute chaos

16. most comfortable position to sit in?

god i wish i knew. sometimes it’s criss-cross applesauce and sometimes i’m like i Must stretch my legs

20. preferred place to write (i.e., in a note book, on your laptop, sketchpad, post-it notes, etc.)?

definitely anything with a keyboard......but writing By Hand is like, worst case scenario. i’ll take a phone or typewriter or semaphore over that

24. favorite crystal?

uhh shit idk.....some quartz is fine, that comes in like, geode-y form and sparkly form and stuff like that, right

28. five songs to describe you?

lmfao i am neverrrrr going to get this answered if i actually tried so i’m not even gonna make that attempt

32. top five favorite vines?

omg that’s difficult i have like. so many faves but i’ll go with the first ones that come to mind

that only valid “baby it’s cold outside” with the filter and BABY IT’S CO -

speaking of The Filter that “how do you know what’s good for me” one

aw fuck i can’t believe you’ve done this

that dialogue-less one with the kid scribbling hard with a handful of crayons and pausing to give this like, absolutely nefarious look before continuing

AAA stoppp i couldve dropped my croissant

36. what is the first meme you remember ever seeing?

lmao i have no idea but i first started being consistently online in 2008. that inception meme was big, and prancing cera was a thing. Advice Memes and earnest rage comics were also pretty prevalent. what a time

40. weirdest thing to ever happen at your school?

well during college one time my roommate who had been making the instant “add water, microwave, stir in packet” macaronis for literally 3 or 4 yrs at that point started microwaving one without having added water and it set off the fire alarm in the middle of like january and everyone in the dorm had to go outside. generously calling that weird

44. favorite scent for soap?

i like citrus smells

48. if you were a fruit, what kind would you be?

i haven’t thought much about what personified traits i read into fruits but if i had to be a fruit of course i’d want to be a mango....

52. favorite font?

i used to default to goudy old style or whatever it’s called. or baskerville old face. nowadays who knows

56. favorite tradition?

i rly have no answer for this lol

60. if you were a character in an anime, what kind of anime would you want it to be?

i’ve literally seen Two anime series, i’m not equipped to answer

64. favorite website from your childhood?

idk i wasn’t Often Online till 14 and would mainly use the pc for Gamin prior to that...there was no standout childhood-defining site for me and that’s why i don’t know much of any basic coding

68. worst flavor of any food or drink you’ve ever tried?

alcohol is taste bad

72. worst subject?

taking public speaking where it’s 25 other people who hate to be there

76. what’s your favorite potato food (i.e. tater tots, baked potatoes, fries, chips, etc.)?

fries....latkes.....mash potato if its Soft......nowadays i just pitch one in a microwave and add seasoning / butter if i’m fancy

80. earth tones or jewel tones?

i’m not really big on Deep colors like that, jewel tones i guess

84. podcasts or talk radio?

podcasts

88. your greatest wish?

i just say some depressing shit here lmao

92. lamps, overhead lights, sunlight or fairy lights?

lamps

96. desktop background?

hmm i haven’t changed it in forever but it’s a city skyline at the bottom and the rest is the sky and it’s a lot of purples

[gaykamukura]

2-10, 15-20, 26-29, 31-33, 37, 45-48, 51, 52, 59, 60, 63, 67-73, 81, 97, 99, 100

puttin under a read more cause it got long snksnksnskn

2. Favourite protagonist?

i’m gunna be real, i like playing as hajime a lot plus theres some moments where he’s being ridiculous and you’re powerless to stop it so you’re just there, face in your hands, losing your shit snickering.

3. Favourite antagonistic character?

points at my url gently...i know i’m an izuru kinnie but i think he has a lot of nuance espec cause he can fit an antagonist role while still being generally neutral on the havoc he wreaks

4. Favourite character?

i’m very bad at choosing but taka was my first fave and the first character i ever grew attached to that was ripped from me so i’m gonna say taka

5. Best girl?

hina, sakura, ibuki, peko, miu!!! i think my “type” is the girls who are either super stoic or super energetic pffft

6. Best boy?

i already talked abt taka earlier so kazuichi and leon are my beloved weenies

7. Favourite class trial from all the games?

the last class trial in the first game where you as makoto get to earn the title ultimate hope and the mastermind is finally revealed after the 20+ hours of grief and struggle you’ve just been put through and you get that satisfying ending of the mastermind paying for their crimes and everyone getting to go free is just...so good and so climactic i adore it

8. Least favourite character?

if i was in a room and my choices were to delete hifumi yamada from existence and die or survive while having hifumi yamada remain in this world i would choose to sacrifice myself

9. Least favourite class trial?

probably the second one in the first game, because it had all the things i was upset with. the way the genocide jack/jill and toko situation was handled was awful even with it taken in consideration that the game usually uses very trope-y characters, and the whooole thing with chihiro is uncomfortable for the entire trial, and then it all ends with an execution where if you think about it too much it makes your stomach whirl

10. What would be your Ultimate Title?

hmmm something like ultimate tarot card reader or ultimate divination/psychic maybe!!!

15. Your absolute OTP?

oh god i ship everything...i like komahina a lot though even tho i have another handful of ships for hajime

16. Your absolute BROTP?

fuyuhiko and nagito obviously

17. Do you have an OT3? Which one?

none that i can think of rn even tho i’m definitely open to a lot of them...i support gundham dating both sonia and kazuichi while sonia and kazuichi are best friends tho

18. Favourite rare ship?

i’m rly fond of fuyuhiko/nekomaru [hikomaru???] and kamuegi

19. Who do you think is an underrated character?

i feel like toko doesn’t get nearly enough love oh my gosh...i see her dismissed as an accessory to byakuya or “the girl w the serial killer” so often and it makes me so upset...also mukuro generally gets outright ignored even though there’s a lot to her

20.  Who do you think is an overrated character?

i feel like i see a lot of stuff for mikan everywhere??? but i...don’t like her that much. her personality kinda feels like the same thing all the time, under the despair disease she feels like junko 2 electric boogaloo or tsumugi the squeakquel, and her execution was underwhelming. and she also killed ibuki, the best gal :(

26. Favourite execution?

oh god definitely leon’s. the first execution of the first game and it goes hard as hell. it’s one of the few if only times you see red blood in the game, he goes out kicking and screaming in a way that you have to feel sorry for him. it’s an unbelievable way to start off the game and really encapsulates all of the wild ride danganronpa is gonna put you in for.

27. Least favourite execution?

as i said before, mikan’s was...underwhelming. as the ultimate nurse who spent her life being a doormat only to kill out of love, there’s an amazing amount of executions and ideas that would have been full of nuance and really interesting but instead she just gets blasted into fucking orbit

28. Favourite unused execution?

oh god i love byakuya’s unused execution because it’s one of those executions that focuses less on the character’s talent and more on the character’s fear. when you realize what byakuya’s future could have been, pretty much complete estrangement from the family and having to build up everything on his own with the fear of poverty constantly looming.

plus the fact that he fights because he could have condemned his half-siblings to that fate only for he, himself, to lose in a killing game and die thinking he was a disgrace is so painful. not to mention the execution itself is a slow and painful death.

it’s so brutal, so focused on breaking every fear and effort of the character, that i think it’s one of those executions that would come to mind whenever you wanted a picture definition for “despair”.

29. Which character should survived in your opinion?

leon kuwata should have lived...he was talented but he was still a normal-ish boy who couldve kept everyone at their wits in the killing game by reminding them what was waiting for them out there. lots of others but i’ve been thinking of baseball husband lately

31. Is there a character you think who shouldn’t have survived but did?

i love yasuhiro that weed smoking boy but he was too dumb to live

32. Least favourite protagonist?

uhhh hmmm i like all of them but kaede had the least screentime so she’s a protagonist where her personality isn’t 100% crystal-clear so. i GUESS

33. Character with the best clothing?

i want chiaki’s hoodie and backpack and LOOK more than i want to breathe oxygen. junko also has a fucking aesthetic

37. Favourite minor character? 

taichi fujisaki i guess??? programmer dad

45. Unpopular opinion?

i dunno what other people think of this because i haven’t heard anything about it, but the closing argument minigame was better in sdr1

46. Unpopular headcanon?

i think genocide jack/jill is nonbinary but i’ve never seen anybody else who has the same headcanon

47. A headcanon you have about a character?

one of my long-time headcanons is that makoto is trans...yeet

48. Favourite OST?

danganronpa 2 has bop after bop. miss monomi’s practice lesson? bop. all the execution themes? bops. ikoroshia and ekoroshia? bops. i am constantly jamming the fuck out in this game

51. Character you thought you were gonna dislike but loved in the end?

i thought i was always gonna hate hiyoko and yeah she does have flaws but i actually like her a lot more than i used to

52. Character you thought you would like but disliked in the end?

thought korekiyo was gonna be a cool dude who was a lil weird and emo but still fun. boy was i wrong. im stealing him from spiky chunky until they learn to stop it

59. Favourite moment?

again, the final trial in the first game is fucking amazing, but also the final trial in the second game with hajime and chiaki plus all the izuru stuff and all the messages there r just. good as hell aaah

60. Saddest moment?

all of chapter 2 in sdr2 was painful. mahiru, who was a force of good, dies, the trial is difficult, the twilight syndrome murder case is terrifying, hiyoko is mourning and you have to spit it right back in her face for awhile that she’s the prime suspect...

and then the only reward you get for finding the real killer is feeling guilty as the tears run and then your final reward is getting to watch as one of your friends dies while the other gets mortally injured and barely survives and then only a bit of gametime later attempts suicide in front of you. it is blow after blow w/o breaks

63. Describe Kyoko Kirigiri in 3 words! 

lovely detective lady

67. Which character would you never want to meet in real life?

hifumi because i would be wearing an anime tshirt cause im a fucking weeb and then he’d be an incel while i suffered just trying to buy a lifetime supply of panda candy from hot topic

68. Which character would you like to meet in real life?

kazuichi cause he seems p chill and like the type of person you could just hang out with or have a chat with casually and not have to worry about first impressions and stuff like that

69. Choose one character which you would take with you on a trip.

70. Character you would have a sleepover with?

chiaki because we’re both super sleepy but we could also play a bunch of games together and then pass out together with a bunch of snacks

71. Character you can relate to?

sorry to be kinnie on main but izuru, i relate to that feeling of always excelling at everything you do and as a result being constantly bored, so whether what happens is good or bad doesn’t matter so long as it’s interesting

72. Character you can relate to but you dislike them?

kokichi, again being kinnie on main but while i relate i dislike it because it’s a reminder of my tendency to lie to others and to myself for any number of purposes

73. Character who deserved better?

[sniffles softly] taka. also keebo. toko too tbh

81. Could you be the Ultimate Lucky Student? 

probably??? my luck varies from being unbelievably good and unbelievably bad so hey

97. Overrated ship which is your NOTP? 

toko/byakuya for sure. i don’t like the it(tm)

99. Your absolute NOTP?

junko being shipped with anyone but especially with the sdr2 cast because it is gross. let the sdr2 cast do the right thing and get to pull a knife on junko instead

100. Opinion on all the Protagonists!

makoto: a boy who has a mouth and must scream. he’s not having a good time but hes trying his best

hajime: a good, refined boy. he knows how to say and spell big words like antidisestablishmentarianism, or however that goddamn word is spelled. the most paranoid boy

komaru: a good gal, a lil anxious but very strong and ready to kick ass. a funky little lesbian

toko: a blessed gal who needs more appreciation. her time as a protagonist is extremely gay, meaning she is also a funky little lesbian.

kaede: she doesn’t have much screen time but i appreciate her. she’s nice to people and confident whereas everyone else in this series is nervous

shuichi: nervous and emo, shuichi truly represents teenage america in the years 2007-2012, possibly 2013. i adore him

[somedaypast-thesunset]

i had a nice weekend, amazingly enough. in some ways i feel we both made an effort but at the same time we didn’t. like we just chilled - didnt try to make plans or rush through, just accepted that this was the activity.

it helped to change the routine up a bit. since my roommate left, we decided to stay at my place. i had a friend over for tea before being dropped off at his place where we packed up some things and came back. we got weed and alcohol and watched the unabomber documentary on netflix. it was nice - no one was yelling, no one was bothered. i brought my bed out to the living room so we could watch the big screen and relax.

in the morning we went to the bakery and bought good stuff for breakfast. smoked some weed, finished the unabomber series and took a nap. then we went skating at the park downtown before buying ingredients to make a fancy pasta dinner at his house.

it was very nice. i felt that this was ~my christmas. we definitely needed time / space to enjoy each other as is instead of constantly rushing and or making plans for other things. the success of it and the lure of downtown began helping him change his min (as well as the fact he wants to live the life the unabomber lived and now he realizes its kind of crazy)tm

this week i have a doctors appointment and im supposed to get a tattoo. he leaves on friday basically but he should be back before the next friday which oesnt seem that bad at all? he’ll still be here for new years. and my birthday. considering i dont care about christmas anyways, seems like an okay deal and i’ll probably get free random shit from people anyways. 

things are 20% less bad than they were on thursday/friday last week. it’s not great but i dont want to die. which is like .... the most normal level of being for me possible rght now. i am not “excited” to see my doctor because it means ive gone off the deep end but i am excited for the relief that i will feel upon talking to a professional who advocates for me. i am considering asking if he would want to talk to one of my friends who has been dealing with me to see if it would help because i think it would help to see that i have smart friends who are active in my life in positive ways - like i still want to provide proof that i’m not just some drug addict.

on the weekend i told him the story of my cat frank. frank died in really traumatic circumstances which was totally unusual for most people. frank was very very very sick and i took him to the vet by bus because my father was very sick. the vet took my cat, performed emergency procedures on him, then asked me to pay for it. when i couldnt pay for it they gave me the option of releasing it to the humane society, which the humane society woulnt take it and i would have to rive it there myself or put the now healthy cat down. so basically i had to put it down. they wanted me to pay to put it down as well. i had a friends father come in and he yelled at them and made a ig eal and they put it down for me for free.

in my life, i figured this was just ~ another thing. he asked me why this happened, how it couldve happened, that it was like a really terrible story if not one of the worst he’s ever heard and pressed for details. i did not fully realize at the time how unique my exprience was. i thought this went with my old line of belief - i was crazy. i was the crazy one just experiencing the world aroun me and reacting to it in a crazy way. i just “didnt understand” what was happening. i was 16 and alone and just dealing with this. 

but i was not crazy. i had taken my family pet to the vet like anyone would in modern society on the expectation that they cared about animals. but they did not care at all and i dont think that people fully understand that the pet industry is about money - it is not about the animal at all. but most people will drain their bank accounts for a beloved animal. i know people who have spent thousands of dollars and acted like it was completely normal and okay. 

is it though? i dont know. it seems fucked that we domesticated animals to an overabunance and then put a huge price tag on caring for one that they would otherwise kill. when this animal once survived in the wild without any care at all. 

but i tried to explain the nuances of this story to him which he would have zero understanding of at all. it is a bit like racism. you would never understand what a black person felt if you are not black. you do not get the nuanced glances and little shuffles away from you on a daily basis that makes you feel inhuman. and you cant explain the depth of that to someone - it sounds like you’re overreacting and nitpicking when this bothers your soul because you were merely born into the world and others are reacting to you for no reason at all.

so i tried to explain the nuances of being in poverty, having an alternative style and possibly being perceived as not white. which is a weird and unknown factor to my life - i am perceived as not white. i cannot say for certain what i am perceived as - i’ve gotten mixed, spanish and asian. but many times i am perceived as “not white”. i believe as i am getting older and my “alternative” style has become more like an old witchy type lady who just wears black and i am judged even more based on my natural looks that i am in fact coming across as more native american now than since i was a kid. 

it is kind of easy to tell by clothes if someone is experiencing poverty. kind of. sometimes people are still really insecure and want to portray themselves better off because they know its more beneficial to do so. some eople have no choice at all. as a teenager my “altnerative style” itself looked poor. i wore ripped jeans and band tshirts, i had weird colored hair that i cut myself and i probably had gross peircings. maybe i was wearing makeup from the night before. maybe my shoes had holes in them. maybe my jacket did. maybe i wore my leopard print coat. i dont know. i dont even know what i looked like or what i wore - i expressed myself through my style and i was very all over the place. maybe they judged me by this.

and its so easy to “understand” the judgement of “some punk kid” but the nuanced beliefs that follow it are not. punk to many is a criminal. a drug addict. someone who doesnt care. a kid is someone who does understand, that they can control and manipulate. someone in poverty has no choice and other people wont care. they wont care that this is a teenage girl saving her beloved pet, willing to work out payment plans and everthing else to do it. 

he did seem to understand my perspective. i have alot to deal with. this is why its offensive when i have to hear him lament about some other person’s life - who i honestly have no doubt they struggled. i really dont. if i met them independently and they told me of their lives, i bet we would get along (provided they werent a drug addict anymore) because i feel we’d probably empathize with eachother far more than he ever empathized with us. and i have only heard stories from others and every story is terrible - their successes are few and far between and they actively make harmful choices. imagine how they felt life was like for them to come to such conclusions on how they’ll live. to make choices to shoot drugs and fuck with all these people without care - that’s probably a lot of people actively not loving you and/or serious mental illness. 

but when the focus is on that and them and my struggles are taken without the same heaviness or seriousness or acceptance of how this would affect me .. it’s offensive. i do not want to be in competition with anyone for a shitty life. you cannot even be proud of that. it’s just sad. i’m sa for them, i’m sad for me - it’s just sad. but when no seriousness is taken on my life, i find myself trying to defend the belief that my life was not easy. and not just “not easy” like my parents divorced  or i didnt get into the school i wanted. like really seriously not easy, likely equal to the not easiness of this person as well. i just had a completely unique not easy experience to them and perhaps it’s not as wild or entertaining? or i’m not the cute little white blonde girl? 

i explained this to another friend about a doctor. as a teenager a friend and i  went to the doctor to try and find some help for me. we were our usual teenage goth selves and the doctor pretty much laughed and thought we were lesbians (we were not, which i guess kudos to him for accepting our perceived homosexuality but that wasnt part of the issue at hand) 

this is just the very obvious points. the examples you can see where most likely some judgement occurred but the actual bigger picture is what all these nuanced interactions equal out to. if everyday my interaction with someone is clouded by pre-conceived notions of being a drug addict, a criminal, “not white” (which in itself could be leading to the first two but is racist all around anyways) or to the lesser degrees - strange, not “socially acceptable”. but i am none of these things -  am just me. 

and you know, right now i am in a place much like my friend was as a teenager. she struggled with her racial identitiy. she did not want to be seen as “brown”. she carried hatred and resentment towards her culture and did not want to accept it despite being “brown”. so like her, i am very non-accepting of drug addicts because their existence makes mine harder. a drug addict many times lives in poverty. “not white” people are perceived as drug addicts. alternative styles are seen as drug addicts. and drug addicts themselves, many of whom i’ve interacted with, are not nice people. they are not people you want to be around and yes - they are still people. under the heroin and crack, they are still people hurt and struggling. i get it. but they just made the struggle for themselves and me ten times harder. so i have to fight and defend myself that i am not a drug addict which is so hard to prove because they can believe you’re popping pills or your trip to the bathroom took too long and it’s frustrating as hell.

unlike my friend i do not have to accept my identity as a drug addict because i’m not one. i realized that i did in fact choose to take a harder route in the struggles of life because doing drugs is the easy way. and yes, smoking weed is kind of the same but i’ve dealt and cried about life. every experience ive had with other drugs has been very numbing and exaggerated and an altered viewpoint. that is not how i react with weed. i dont know if others react differently and i wouldnt argue if they did. but this is my reaction. i would smoke 2 joints everyday before i took an anti depressant which i have taken and do not have the same very positive effects. 

but when ihave done other drugs and if i chose to continue to do other drugs its a complete escape. 100% non functioning escape. and it’s not like “do a little” mdma and you’re just a little happier all day. PEOPLE ARE STILL AROUND YOUR WEIRD ASS which is affected by this drug in unusual ways like you’re a “little happier” and everyone else is uncomfortable. congrats. i do drugs and i am writhing on the floor like a piece of shit. 

anyways, he told his mother the story about the vet and she essentially pushed it aside and said it seemed unlikely. she is why my life is shit. people ust like her multiplied into the thousands. for all the nuanced judgements and personal experiences - it seemed unlikely. but it did happen. this is my life. you’re telling me my life seems unlikely. this is exactly what happened. a grown man with a government job came in and yelled at them. i know his name. why would that occur? do you not understand WHY I AM CRAZY?

i am constantly looking for validation because of people like her. not everyone is like her. some people with vast life experiences or real open minds take you for your word. anything is possible in life. but many people don’t. and many of those people hold positions of power or authority which may even be as simple as being a teacher or principal. but those people will shape and guide the path your life in society is going to take. when i told people of what was going on - they didn’t believe me, they didnt care; it seemed unlikely. so i’m left questioning the importance, my sanity, my perspective as well as dealing with the actual active problem entirely on my own with absolutely no help or direction what so ever. thank god i was an egotistical cocky angry teenager. my punk ass attitude and anger and genera ignorance got me through things i honest to god probably wouldnt even do now. younger me was ten times harder. i was ready to do anything go anywhere but i didnt because i had guilt and apathy. i didnt have the same apathy as i do now, but there was some. i dont have guilt anymore and looking back had i followed through on my teenage dreams, i mightve been better off. i wanted to move out early. i wanted to move out at like 15 - 16 years old. if my dad had not gotten sick, i wouldve been working at a job where i made 350 - 500$ every week doing shit i was fully 100% capable of doing with no issue what so ever. in a home environment interacting with one other person. i realized i had earned like 4000$ in the 3 -4 months i was working there and had literally nothing because i spent it on weed and vodka and ecstacy. then i lost the job for being so stressed out and smoking so much weed before and during work that i couldnt even do the job anymore. which was like SHIT I DO EVERY DAY ANYWAYS. 

at 17 i spent 3 months living by myself. literally. while working. an taking care of any responsibilities my sick father put on me and this is before hes even in the house. most people cant eve comprehend the idea of me doing this now but this is what i did. what you need to realize is that my mother at the time was also still alive. so for whatever reason she just ... didn’t give a fuck this was happening. she knew. she was fully aware. but not once did she offer anything. she just wanted to know if he was going to be dead or not. 

17 year old me dealt with this by smoking an insanely large amount of weed which i do not think i have even matched to this day because never have i had that much disposable income again. but not only did i smoke weed, i did a shit ton of mdma and k and drank a lot of vodka which was my drink of choice at the time. we stole my dads van, three times, for lke no purpose. it was bad. this was essentially my most punk era of time which i now look back on pretty disappointed with myself because i had the wherewithal to get a job, maintain a job but then be a complete piece of shit teenager. that was my time - had i not given into drugs or alcohol i’d have been WAY different. period. 

by not taking that way out - and i feel like people don’t understan i made a concious decision not to do it anymore but eliminating toxic people in my life and like completely removing myself from these situations. the last time of significance that i did drugs - my friend came from toronto to visit. this is what we did. the routine. she came and we woul get “bored” and decide lets just pool what money we have and get something. so i asked everyone on facebook - at the time i had probably 150+ friends (super unusual for me a really big number) and just asked anyone and everyone. a random kid who went to our school back in the day (we were probably 18 now) said he had some pills. we walked in the dark to meet this kid and he gave us 2 pills for 20$ which is a pretty big rip off but we didnt care. we went back to my place, popped them and got high as fuck. half way through our trip, my bf at the time randomly shows up. which was a big deal; he live 3 hours away and was surprising me. we were very surprised and it was awkward and weird and it wasnt like we could send him away. we had to spend a few hours with him awkwardly before she slept in the other room and i had an uncomfortable time “sleeping” with him. 

i decided then maybe i was getting too old. i spent two years doing drugs and going through his routine and it was wearing on my body already. my teeth and gums were always sore from grinding, my lungs were always sore from smoking so many cigarettes, i was spending all of my money on drugs - there was times when the drugs were clearly mixed with other more disgusting drugs like coke and meth and it would result in way more fucked up reactions like the time i hit myself in the thigh with a baton for 30 minutes before my friend noticed and made me stop. but the repetition and pain were part of the enjoyment for me. all of the times i was on drugs, i was a different person. i was someone i would never actually be. sure, my inhibitions were lower but the filters of how i truly felt and would act are no longer there and thats not a real represenation of my actual true self. these are just deep layers of myself that i may not even want to share or would normally consent to sharing if the drugs didnt affect me. and that bothered me alot. it stil bothers me - my behavior on drugs. people out there have seen me in ways im not proud of. i’m embarassed and i only have myself to blame. 

so thats the easy way. the hard way is living life within your true self and finding enjoyment in things when you can barely find the excitement in yourself. take a drug and do any activity - it’s fantastic. do nothing and it’s great. but fining things your true self wants to take part in -- long time drug addicts know the “boredom”. they never took the journey to find these passions and instead elected for the easy way to have the excitement handed to them.

and honestly? nothing really matches the thrill of mdma. or i guess crack or heron or whatever you do. i have never felt anything like it. every nerve is awake and aware, i am hyper sensitive to all of life and my mind is clear. everything is interesting and awe inspiring. 

but thats not life. you cant carry that into the slums of the ghetto. you cant go outsie and stare blindly at the sun. you cannot do it. this is not life. and its okay to someones experience it. the same way its okay to experience the heat of the sun. you can do it lightly ad responsibly. any other way really harms you.

in the spirit of positivity, here are some things that really get me going:

- playing an entire song with no mistakes on guitar and possibly singing it without fucking up or forgetting the words. super exciting to my life in ways nothing else is. it’s not even like i’m trying to play for other people it’s just a personal knowledge that i can do this and play it and feel it and create it. 

- making good food. not just like cooking food but the satisfaction of the actual creation of making something thats really good or luxurious. 

- being physically close to the person i am in a relationship with. i like the warmth and i was very deprived of physical contact but i dont like it with strangers or friends either so its a rare and nice feeling to lay close with someone. 

- a very fascinating tv show. like one that i have to keep watching because i neeeed to know. thats a unique and interesting feeling of human beings; being really curious. i guess it’s lke reading a book but i dont read much at this stage in my life but i hope ill become hat kind of person and when i do itll probably be exciting to have so much material in a world ive rarely visited. 

- cats. i really love cats. all of the cats. i love visiting people’s cats and i like to become friends with them. cats are great because they feel very individual; no two cats are the same and no matter how much the owner impresses on to the cat, the cat is just a cat and it does what it wants so it’s like getting to make a new friend even if the person you’re visiting isnt that exciting. cats are always great. even the shitty grumpy ones. or the old ones that maybe arent into you. if you spend enough time, eventually they will be and you can be friends and people think you’re a cat whisperer. i have atleast two cat friends i see regularly but i see more cats than that. we’re just not friends yet. 

- a really good song. either with really good rocking bluesy music or clever/well written lyrics.