#i couldn't help it i had to do both
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one ALIAS per episode | 2x13 phase one
#alias#aliasedit#onealias#sydney bristow#jennifer garner#alias: 2x13#tvedit#00sedit#userladiesblr#i made dis#i couldn't help it i had to do both
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Can I request a pokemon drawing? Was thinking mewtwo but idk whoever whatever!
Day 11 - Quiet pls
#My art#Requestober#Pokemon#Whismur#MewTwo#I'm pulling out my excuse from a couple years ago - I may have gone overboard but in my defense I really wanted to#Lol#Of course I had to!!! My beloveds!!!!!#Whismur's been on my mind again lately - thinking again of the little doodle of me holding one among others things haha#And I mean if you're going to specify MewTwo who am I to say no <3#So both! Both burple babies! Although Whismur is classified as pink?? Mm???#They're more purple than MewTwo arguably??? He's more grey due to the alien influence - that scrembaby is purple#I really wanted to lean a bit more into MewTwo's catlike traits and have him nosing around lol#Sniff sniff what are you identify yourself#Couldn't swing the posing >:P He's too dignified to lie down completely but how do support himself on those legs!#If not for his tail he'd definitely fall on his face haha#Well I might try again another time - and it's not like I'm DisPleased with how it turned out!#I didn't re-line Everything but I did a lot of it........I actually like lining a lot now........it's fun lol#His little body expression differences were very fun haha especially his tail - an agitated thump in the last one!#MewTwo dearest you're very intimidating to the little speaker just turn down the glare#Being screamed at doesn't help the glower lol#Poor little Whismur haha just not used to MewTwo yet! He's fairly friendly to most Pokemon...now#He'll still probably just make a clone and leave the original be at this point lol#As least that one won't cry at the sight of him! Probably! Maybe! Haha <3
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The worst thing Miguel and Jessica did to Gwen wasn't even threatening to send her home if she ever visits Miles, it's forcing her to choose their side during the chase scene and make Miles never want to see her again and once the chase scene ended they kicked her out. That's the kind of evil that the Spot was trying so hard to become.
Edit: just in case you forgot - they knew that prison and dead dad were waiting for her when they send her back home
#they're both cool and all but how shitty do you have to be to do this i couldn't believe it when i saw it#it wasn't even bc she was arguing they just didn't want her why didn't they kick anyone else out who helped him#i used to think that they might ever work together sometimes but i don't actually want it#they gaslight her and told her to follow the rules and when she did they kicked her out anyway#that's so bitchy#i just know that if she had anywhere else to go she wouldn't be a part of their cult anyway#and the worst thing is that the fandom blames her for everything#gwen stacy#spider man across the spider verse#i don't want to tag miguel and jess i don't want to start a fight or anything#across the spiderverse#spiderverse
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Jason Sudeikis as Ted Lasso Season 3 » Casual Sweaters/Jumpers
#Ted Lasso#Jason Sudeikis#Theodore Lasso#*mine: gif#tedlassoedit#sweater/jumper game#ugh you idiot with that face#stop staring at me swan#here's a gifset for the sweater/jumper lovers out there and sorry this is a long post. I just couldn't make up my mind on some of these#I spent way too much time overanalyzing the casual sweaters/jumpers. I was trying to only show each one once but then just gave up#deep dived research on the Todd Snyder site that's the kind of overanalyzing that happened#there is a lot of lighting messing with colors and for sure there are some repeats in this but whatever#I had this idea way back when we saw the variety of color sweaters/jumpers for S3#but after the end of S3 I lost a lot of feelings for this show#my motivation for giffing this show is not so strong anymore but there is a part of me that still wants to maybe try a layout set#I'm thinking of doing all 3 seasons and just an overall sweater/jumper encompassing gifset. both the work and casual together#kind of meh on how some of these turned out ¯\_(ツ)_/¯#it might be the added switch to the new editor and that all of these have been turned into gifv nonsense#also couldn't get the caption font to do what I wanted in html or at least it looked alright in drafts but not in preview#PS: thank you talldecafcappuccino for reading/helping with my color debate/same vs not same sweater/jumper nonsense
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it went fine yesterday btw :}
#Robin processes emotions on main#sometimes I freak out like a chihuahua and then actually have a good time. these things are typical in the life of ur local robin#we talked about our lives instead of our Interests and it was fine ! I think I did good. we commiserated about the post-college woes#I got re-reminded how rough my life is right now and cried a little but like in a good way. and I'll make it. we'll both make it#today I made a bucket list of churches to try (By Myself) and places to visit around town#(clutching my head staggering upright) did you guys know th.that childhood parentification can majorly mess you up#man do I need therapy. like. soon I think#also a steady job and my own apartment but let's not get ahead of ourselves. haha. sorry let me rephrase:#I'm GOING to get a job and move out eventually and it will be GOOD. and in the meantime I will make living here good too dangit#anyway so yeah I just forgot that this particular friend is good for Processing Life with instead of Enjoying Stories with#that was my issue last time.#although last time wasn't a Failure on my part. I was just exhausted and I Couldn't process life last time. no energy for that#I didn't feel safe enough to do that so all I had to fall back on was my interests and it just didn't click. such things happen#anyway I'm logging back out now but thank you everyone for the encouragement :') it really helped and I'm gonna keep on truckin'
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my timephoon hot take is that the episode was literally fine, it's the episodes that came AFTER it that fucked things up
#the final confrontation where louie and della say that shit to eachother? peak televesion#the next episodes shouldve. yk. resolved that#but by having the premise be “the entire family is goign to disneyland and leaving louie behind” uh...?#i get what they were going for but they fumbled so hard#timephoon introduces a lot of conflicts that the next episodes SHOULD have resolved#but they didn't. at least not well#like della and louie should've had a proper conversation#and also i dont think della was wrong for steppin in at the end of timephoon like that was warranted#her wording and execution? far from perfect#but she's trying#also. timphoon was fine yes but it could have been way better still#i would have preffered it if they went more in depth about the struggles of motherhood and how beakley and della both felt about it#give me beakley being vulnerable and opening up about how hard its been raising webby alone and how she GETS it#she gets not knowing what to do#she was a spy#she has no idea how to be soft and motherly but she's learned and she's trying and she did it alone#and she doesn't want della to be as alone as she was so she tries to help#but she's a certified grizzled ex spy so fuck if she knows how to be gentle about it#so it just makes della MORE insecur because beakley seems to have it all together#and i wish there was a scene where they could talk to eachother and beakley could admit that she doesn't#she's made mistakes she's fucked up but she's trying and aren't they all?#but yeah. for what timephoon was#it wasn't bad#but the following episodes fumbled#i forget if it was in timephoon or next erpisode were we got della telling louie to shape up or he couldn't be part of the family#like again that was BAD! BUT#it wuld have worked if the show adressed and had her learn from it#and showed that it wasnt out of malice its because she was doing her best!#but they didn't#they were...weird with it
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"Cellbit, we need to talk," the demon says sternly, sliding into the seat at the head of the table.
The detective sends a bemused look over his shoulder, raising an eyebrow in response. "...okay? What about?"
"Well...a lot of things," Bad admits, the urge to tangent off becoming stronger by the second.
"Can you at least try to narrow it down?" Cellbit teases.
Bad rolls his eyes at him playfully. "Yeah, yeah, I'm getting there!" The smile slowly fades from his face as his eyes track Cellbit across the kitchen—getting the toast from the toaster, grabbing the avocado spread from the pantry, checking the fridge for milk, turning the coffeepot off—
Cellbit glances back at him, visibly confused (and vaguely concerned) by the silence. "...okay, can you really not remember, or...?"
Bad sighs, shaking his head. "Have you seen the missing posters up around the island?"
Cellbit nods, turning away as he waves a hand in the air. "Oh, yeah, yeah! The ones about the Masked Man, right?" He chuckles. "I mean—I think we all know who it is, but I don't think they want us to say it."
"...no, not those." Bad scratches his head, watching as the other man pours two mugs of coffee before bringing one and the plate of toast to the table.
Cellbit looks up at him, eyebrows bunched. "Then no, I'm not sure what you mean." He turns back to the counter, grabbing the other mug and the milk.
"Bagi's missing posters? About her brother?"
"Oh!" Cellbit gestures wildly with the milk carton, and Bad can only praise the deities that it's closed. "Yeah, yeah, I know what you're talking about! There's one in the favela. I thought there was one at the main square, too, but it wasn't there when I went earlier."
Bad grins faintly at the memory of Tubbo and Fit ripping it down. "Never mind that," he coughs, shaking his head.
Cellbit sets the carton and cup down in front of Bad before slipping into the seat next to him. "But yeah, I know the posters." He cocks his head slightly. "...why do we need to talk about those? Shouldn't you ask Bagi?"
Bagi definitely isn't the one he needs to ask about this. Bad unscrews the carton's lid, carefully pouring a buttload of milk into the black liquid. "Look, Cellbit," he sighs, "the thing is...I think I know who it is." Rip the band-aid off, right? If he remembers, it'll be a shock, so better to get it over with. If not—
Cellbit blinks over the rim of his coffee cup, face completely blank. "Who?"
...he has no idea.
Bad can feel his heart sinking, a stabbing pain shooting through him, almost like guilt or pity. He swallows hard, recapping the milk as he tries to figure out how to proceed—
"Oh!" Cellbit snaps his fingers, a cheeky grin on his face, so similar to the one Bad used to see in battle so many years ago. "I know what you're saying."
Bad pauses, staring at him. "You...you do?"
"...you think it's Dan, right?" Cellbit's grin widens, just barely holding back a laugh.
...he couldn't have been farther from the mark.
But Bad isn't one to let an opening go to waste. Plus, it had made Cellbit laugh, something Bad hadn't seen nearly enough of recently. At least it had lightened that world-weary look, even just for a moment.
So Bad smiles. "Clearly!" he replies cheekily, chuckling as he takes a piece of toast from the plate. "See? We make a pretty good team."
"That we do." Cellbit shakes his head playfully as he takes another sip of his coffee, and Bad watches on in silence. The white streak in his dark hair, the black outfit—he'd looked even more like Bagi a few weeks ago, before the island's drug infestation. Speaking of which...
"...are you ever gonna go back to your green jacket?" Bad asks nonchalantly, and Cellbit gives him a funny look, glancing down at himself.
"...this is a green jacket," he says, eyebrows furrowing. "The, uh...the one I wore the most got dirty, so I've had to wear the black ones for a bit. But this one is green."
Bad blinks. Fudge. "Oh. Yeah, no, you're right, I see it now!" he lies, nodding. "The lighting was just...messing with my eyes."
It's a viable excuse; the red lanterns dotted around the room don't output much light on a good day, and the sunlight streaming in from the kitchen balcony casts long shadows across the table.
But Cellbit doesn't seem to fully believe him, giving him a curious look before he shrugs. "No worries." He takes a long sip of coffee and lets out a sigh. "But no. I don't know who Bagi's brother is."
"...yeah," Bad murmurs, the lie making the coffee taste bitter in his mouth. "Me either." He swallows the mouthful of bitter cream and grounds, making a face at he stares down at his slice of toast.
"I wish I did." Cellbit's voice softens, and Bad glances up to find him gazing pointedly into his coffee cup. "I want to help her. But...there's so much going on right now, and...well, not to be that person, but the picture on the poster is kinda—well, fudged up, if you know what I mean."
Bad blinks. "You think it's a bad pic?" he echoes in confusion.
Cellbit shrugs. "Well, I mean, it's a side angle, almost a three-quarters view—but to the back. There's so little of his actual face in the photo; how are we ever supposed to help?" He scratches his head. "Plus, that photo looks old, and it's visibly of a little kid." He shakes his head. "He probably doesn't look like that anymore."
Bad nods slowly. "...no, you're right; he probably doesn't." Bad could have pushed the issue, could've pointed out that he's seeing the spitting image of the kid sitting directly across from him—he remembers fighting with that exact kid ten years ago, and Bagi's brother hasn't changed one bit. But he bites his tongue.
"With the eggs missing, it's just...not my priority at the moment." Cellbit gives a helpless shrug. "But she can figure it out on her own, I'm sure. She's smart." Then he cocks his head, glancing back up at Bad. "Besides, who's to say he's even on the island?"
"True," Bad murmurs.
"I mean...honestly? I hope he's not." Cellbit takes a long sip of his coffee, draining about half the cup before he gives Bad a small smile. "I wouldn't want anyone else to be trapped in this...living hell."
Bad nods slowly, watching him. "...yeah. Who's to say?"
Cellbit sighs, shaking his head as he stands. "I should get back to work," he says apologetically, glancing back at Bad. "Youre welcome to stay if you want—?"
His words jolt Bad out of his stupor, and he shakes his head, standing. "I'm, uh...not really hungry," he admits with a sheepish grin, "and I have stuff to do, too. So I should go."
Cellbit nods, picking up the plate with the lone piece of avocado toast lying across it. "No worries, man. See you around."
"Yeah. Yeah, yeah, for sure." Bad musters up a small smile, flashing it towards the detective as he moves towards the staircase.
"Hey, wait—Bad!"
Bad glances back. "Yeah?"
"...if she finds anything, let me know?" Cellbit asks softly.
The demon nods gently. "Of course." And before he can blurt out anything he might regret, he turns, making his way quickly towards the waystone at the end of the bridge.
#i...couldn't help myself.#i saw they had a convo yesterday and the obvious deflecting /lh on both sides made me batshit#i had to do it.#(i even got in some colorblind!bbh so that was fun)#qsmp cellbit#qsmp#qsmp bbh#qsmp badboyhalo#qsmp bagi#<- referenced#qsmp fic#qsmp drabble
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Hey Pencil, can I ask you what you think of Neuvilette's character after the end of the current Archon quest? Not gonna lie, I was a bit disappointed at how he and everyone else treated Furina, but I was curious about your thoughts on the matter
ohohohohohohohoho anon. Dear sweet anon, you've activated my trap card, otherwise known as the Pencil Essay card, because I have sooooo many thoughts about this.
I will say though, I see Neuvilette in context of the story quests too, especially Furina's, as well as his friendship stories and voicelines. So, er, spoilers for that I suppose, but I can't separate those bits away from his character at this point. Anyway.
I frickin love Neuvilette. As a character, he checks a lot of boxes of traits that I adore, like being hella old, a dragon, somewhat isolated from normalcy, a cinnamon roll that can kill you, and Doing His Best. Now, as an important addendum to this, the fact that he is a dragon is a crucial part of the basis, because that's where a lot of conflict starts. He's separated from his kind, he's not a human yet he is confined to a human form, he remembers that the elemental authority should be his but Celestia took it and the archons have it now. The idea he has that he will forever be isolated, and that there will forever be a certain taste of bad blood between him and the rest of the world is founded. And yet. AND YET. Long ago, Focalors asks for him to help lead Fontaine, and he!!! Agrees!!! Neuvilette's character is rooted in a sense of justice and fairness, and in such, he tries to remain open-minded, and thus, he must witness things for himself. When he is presented a change in perspective, he accepts it.
Honestly I thought the Archon Quest did this rather nicely. He worked with Furina, believing her to be Focalors, for years. While Furina did waaay too good of a job in being as showy as possible, their close proximity meant that some of her true ethics and anxieties did make themselves known to Neuvilette. He knew when Furina was panicking and lying, just not why. Likewise, he has had inklings of when she's been sincere, and also, has a better perspective on how other people perceive her. More on that in a second.
Knowing what we know in hindsight, the Archon Quest is....very harsh. But. I understand why it happened that way. It was very clear that neither the Traveler nor Neuvilette wanted to put Furina on trial, however, neither of them were able to get her to tell the truth in private, and time was of the essence. The threat of a whole populace dying (and!!!! People have already died at this point!!!! Civilians!!!) is kind of a big deal. Something happens, or they all die; full stop. Hence, calling out the big guns. Which, to their credit, was just meant as a display of pressure on an actual deity, not an actual trial with death sentences and the discovery that Furina was a stressed out human all along. Focalors wanted that, however, so all according to plan. But very much not what Neuvilette wanted.
Fast forward. For Neuvilette, I think there is something really special to be said that he cares about both Focalors and Furina. He's only ever seen glimpses of both, but when Focalors aims to die to give Neuvilette back what is rightfully his, he protests! He doesn't want that! If there was a way for Focalors to undo the sea, he would accepted that, despite the janky usurped power thing. She is making a divine sacrifice, one that nobody else will truly know, and he mourns the person that is lost for it. Meanwhile, for all that Furina acted as a mask, and acted as if she was entirely self-sustainable, Neuvilette has shown to be concerned over her as a person. He caves so quickly to meet with Arlecchino when it's clear she's nervous, he asks Traveler to look after her, he tries to ask her when she's clearly being flighty. Even little things, like when he tells Traveler to acknowledge Furina at the beginning of the quest when she's showing off, because he knows she equates attention to success (just not why) and he is throwing her a bone. Yes, he is exasperated just as frequently, but Furina is not making it easy at that stage. Her entire schtick is to purposely keep people at arm's length, to be entertaining before she's likable, so really, I think there's an impressive amount of patience to be had.
The thing I have noticed about Neuvilette is that he is the kind of just that is caring. The law is for the sake of the people, and thus, people have become his focus. He denies this for a long time on account of believing himself to be forever an Other, but it is persistent all the same. He quickly wants to see the melusines treated well and with respect when they are integrated with society. He wants to see justice for those who are hurt. He understands, even, when those who do wrong are not bad people, like with Wriothesley. Neuvilette is, at his core, a kind person; however, he is terrible at expressing care in ways we would expect it. In part because he's just Like That, and in other part because he spent so long unaware of it. Usually, this means that he takes things at face value. If a melusine is being threatened, then there is a problem regarding humans' view of melusines again; if Wriothesley crawls out of hell with a Vision and the new title of Duke, then that means he found something to live for and he will support it; if Furina asks for space, then he tries to give her space. Neuvilette is a sincere person, even if sometimes he misunderstands the emotional complexity afoot.
Back to Furina. When it's revealed that she is a human, and she absolutely crashes, Neuvilette may not be the picture of fatherly comfort, but he is there for her in the way she asks, and even, in the ways she doesn't. She wants to be left alone, because Furina is tired of a facade and at this point she believes that everyone will hate both the fake her and the real her. Neuvillete obliges, and he arranges to pay for her apartment and food and make sure she is taken care of, when Furina is clearly not thinking that far ahead. It's clear that he would visit more often, but he's busy being the effective Archon now, and also, he doesn't think Furina would want that. Face value interpretations and all that. However, Neuvilette still appreciates the good that Furina did accomplish, in the mask and out of it. He doesn't fully understand Furina's hangups, but he respects what she does or doesn't want to do.
Now, Furina absolutely hit that depressive slump of a crash. Homegirl is living off of noodles like a broke college student. She thinks the world hates her and that everyone only put up with her because she was the archon and a superstar. Did she need someone to intervene? Sure. But she pushed Neuvilette and Clorinde away when they awkwardly tried, so Furina has to go through the long story quest way, and come to a bit of her own realization that people genuinely respected her ability to act as a skill and a thing of beauty, not just as a lie.
Furina's story quest offers the very best presentation of how Neuvilette sees her, and how, in his own way, he apologizes but also respects everything she has done and is. When Furina goes on stage, despite her valid reservations, and she gives it her all for that actresses sake, and she gives it her all because its real to her too, and Neuvilette sees this and sees her bravery, her spirit, and all of the hard work that Furina has given Fontaine for 500 years. So he tears a chunk off of his power and he gives it to her, in the form of a Vision.
The Visions are such a wonderful representation, because now that Neuvilette is the sole sovereign, without Celestia's janky throne in the way, he has full power over the granting of Visions. He can stop if he wants, because Visions are made by ripping chunks off of the god in question, but Neuvilette has studied and he has learned that humans are amazing and they earn their ambition, and he wants to give to that. So it's an incredibly purposeful gesture here and it carries the meaning of his care and respect in ways that he cannot articulate.
Neuvilette is kind. He's stiff, dutiful to a fault, has trouble being vulnerable and recognizing it in others, but he is trying, and he is kind. He gives credit where credit is do, and he tries to do the right thing, even when he misses the mark. He accepts when he's wrong, though, like with Focalors and Furina, like with missing how the general populace adores the melusines now, like with Childe when he honestly was baffled by the oratrice's absurd verdict. He's an old dragon and he's slow to catch up, but he makes that effort anyway, which I think is really neat. Neuvilette learns and he implements that. In Lantern Rite, he listened to Furina and finally managed to take a vacation, and he made a dumb little dragon ladle and had fun doing it. And he walked away from that realizing why taking a break was important.
So, er, yeah. I think Neuvilette is neat. Furina too. I really wish we can see them interacting more now that Furina is finally getting it through her skull that people do, in fact, want to be her friend and spend time with her, and I would love to see more on the implications that Traveler has told him of the other archons' exploits and he is forced to admit that they also either have no idea what's going on or that they known of them took the elemental authority on purpose/for the sake of it, but that's either an end-game thing or we'll never get it. Alas. Still I think Fontaine and all of hydro is in good hands with him.
Also he's an awkward dragon yall know I love grandpa dragon men who have parental bones but have no idea how to use them on purpose. I have. a type. of course I'm looking hard at neuvilette he's got the whole package
So uhhhhhh yeah. Yeah. I will. End it there.
#genshin impact#neuvillette#pencil essay#anon#ask#character analysis#if you look closely you can tell I love furina's story quest#i wrote this unedited at 3-4 am so#like most of my tumblr essays this is not my best work#but it is my raw unhinged work which is why we are all on this hellsite#but yeah honestly i do give neuv credit for his patience#if i had to deal with furina acting like that i would have strangled her#the cast doesn't get clued in on her inner actions until the last second#we get a bit like with arle stabbing her when she was petting a cat#also its mad frustrating to try to help someone who refuses help so I get it#especially when nobody knew furina's reason#because she couldn't tell anyone#focalors' master plan was brilliant but cruel#which they both knew going into this#so uhhh yeah the archon quest was rough but I get it
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just reflecting today on the 7th poured drink tonight and recalling how when i was venting to my co-workers about yesterday and the panic attack i had and all that, she mentioned how I needed more help when I was drowning and i swear to you the immediate thing that came to mind when she said that was alan wake
#i haven't really made many drowning gifs have i#also i feel bad cause like. god#this is so stupid and convoluted and part of the guilt i'm carrying right now#our customer service department ended up being the straw that broke my back and made me have that panic attack/meltdown yesterday#and i try#i TRY SO HARD to have some empathy towards them cause i mean#they're the ones getting basically abused by our customers#and it hurts so much to me that i can't be more help#and specifically the situation yesterday was me having to jump in and finish something that idk took me all of ten minutes to do#after i asked for some forklift assistance that took maybe like half an hour#but i had asked my employees to get that done *last week* and they couldn't do it#and the poor customer service rep had to escalate it to the director of sales which she flaunted in myf ace#and i felt terrible when i snapped and said 'ok i'll drop everything i'm doing to help you'#when i did legit have a million other things i needed to do#i'm honest to god tempted to rate myself as unsuccessful this year just cause like#i've been having to do my own employee's jobs which is also my fault for maybe not being firm like i need to be#but anyway her saying how i was drowning of course made me think of alan which honestly made me feel a little better#cause i mean it's like nick right#if alan could get out of the dark place even though it took him 13 years maybe i can too#and also inspiring in the way that like. alan needed help and i probably need help too#i've gone to therapy twice once in person and once online and like nick it's just...#not my thing#but something both therapists seemed to concur upon was that my support system isn't the best and i also need to work on myself#and love myself and lmao that's soooooo much easier said than done#but anyway i'm sorry i should get a real diary or somethin but#something about the formatting of tagging like this is weirdly comforting
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(One thing I find peculiar and unfortunate in current fandom business is the seeming lack of pointed discussion, so here is a humble attempt to spark a conversation and I more than welcome commentary.)
I came across someone in the notes to a post somewhere talking of how Jillian had been better styled in season two than in season one and I agreed, already seeking the justification for it in my mind. My observations are as follows:
S1 Jillian is Arq-Tech's mastermind and public face. Even though we first meet her in Morocco, in her explorer, Indiana Jones-like garb, it's the image of her running her company that sticks with us, her statements to the press, her corporate persona opening metaphorical fire upon the Church. A "powerful woman" as mainstream media constructs for us everyday, in subtle but visible makeup so as to diminish the effects of age on her face, in heels so as to peek at the rest of humanity from above, with controlled gestures meant for the inherent theatricality that comes with introducing life-changing technology to society. It is a role she plays—well, but a role nonetheless.
The scene she shares with father Vincent is worthy of mention, for while he sits without taking up much space, his body restrained to the side of a couch, his legs crossed in what is deemed a more "feminine" posture, Jillian takes up the traditional "masculine" attitude: she commands the room, her body expanding upon her seat, in the broad pose where an ankle rests upon a knee, complete with a generous glass of alcohol in hand and talon on foot. Yet this is also for show—it's a little too calculated, a dance that was so perfected in exhaustive practice that it lost its dynamic.
Our glimpses into the more authentic Jillian come in the scenes with Michael—not only because (coded in white and blue as the Virgin Mary of immaculate conception) she plays the part of mother, but because, in her intimacy, far from journalists and employees and the public's prying eyes, she can be more herself within the areas where she conducts her studies. Starting from when Ava asks Jillian to "science her", we never see the doctor in uncomfortable shoes again, as she retreats from entrepreneurial life and into the lab.
This is clearer in season two, for, as Kristian says, she is on sabbatical, thus isolated from general view; S2 Jillian has nobody around her, nobody to impress. Locked away in her Spanish villa, consumed by her son's disappearance, she need not wear a mask. There are no more tellingly feminine accessories, no staged stunts; her clothes and footwear are even more practical, her movements less grand but more human, more expressive (here, of course, we owe it to Thekla Reuten's underrated range). Even as the OCS invites itself into her house, making it a makeshift HQ, she doesn't fall back on the act we saw in the first season.
Jillian's stepping back from the head of her company is not just in name and contract, but in body, too; she leaves the CEO role in her office and comes home to her science and her cause, to her limited inner circle of which only Michael was privy to and into which the OCS nuns end up finding their way.
Colours also indicate a shift—we begin the series seeing her associated with light hues such as white, beige and baby blues, but when season two comes in, Jillian's striking all-white attire is nowhere to be found. The Holy Mother parallel is in shambles after Michael has gone through the ark's portal, the intangibility of this "saintly", aseptic rich genius broken down, her person brought back to Earth after flights of fancy trying to open a gate to Heaven.
We see her in a darker palette, in greys with dashes of white, yes, but never again in full white. It is not just the authorisation to be herself rather than her company's face while in her private world, but also the reflection of her inner darkness and her loss upon her very appearance.
What a more definite loss could mean, now that her son is gone for good, remains a mystery.
For instance, unlike the nun who served as her superior, our Suzanne rejects the characteristic blues of the Order of the Cruciform Sword to don a heavy all-black outfit, more reminiscent of Orthodox priests than it is Roman Catholic nuns; her resurrection through Ava does not lighten her habit, if it does lighten her burden, so we can only assume, going forward, should there be any relation between how each character expresses their inner workings through clothing, that Jillian Salvius would keep the mixture of white and grey that season two brought along... Or go darker still.
#jillian salvius#warrior nun#i had already talked about this with a friend but i thought i'd better organise and illustrate my thoughts#i did have to go through both seasons in a single afternoon hunting all of jillian's scenes so i was tired by the time photoshop was opened#sorry for the terrible collage is what i mean to say#i do want to investigate the mother superion angle a little more sometime but i'm still unsure#anyway. i said it before and i'll say it again that i find film analysis difficult#it has its own grammar and i'm used to actual language written down in books but i try#hope this is fun to you as it was for me#and NO i couldn't help myself so i had to include the whole screencap when suzanne was in it lol#i love them and there is nothing you can do about it. they stand near one another and i cry. that is it.#analysis and similar#exercises in observation
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I've decided to make my own post because I am not an idiot, but full disclosure that this post is 50% based on thoughts I was having while I was driving home from the auto repair shop yesterday and 50% a response to a post I saw just now that conflated "redemption arcs" (things fictional characters go through in fictional stories) with "community support" (things real life people offer to other real life people in real life) and how this relates to "fixing people" (making someone who mistreats or abuses themself or others not mistreat or abuse themself or others anymore).
Read my words very carefully.
In fiction, it is more than okay to like whatever type of toxic or fantastical relationship you want. If you like to read stories about toxic, codependent people who are absolutely horrible to one another and will never, ever change, you read those stories. If you like to read stories about a tortured man who just needs The Right Person to teach him to be better, and then he is, sometimes exclusively only to them though, then you read those stories. Sometimes you want to read stories where the main character says "I can fix him" and fails spectacularly, and sometimes you want to read stories where the main character says "I can fix him" and succeeds spectacularly, and either way, you read whatever stories you want, whatever makes you happy, I'm sure it's somewhere in this vast Archive that we call Our Own.
However, in real life?
First of all, "arcs" aren't things real life people have. An arc is something that has a beginning, a middle, and an end. Real life people don't have those, because our stories don't end until we die. Unlike a character, whose life presumably continues even after their story ends (except in circumstances where they die at the end but you know what I mean), we have to keep living day by day, with all the rises and falls that come with it. Now, this does not mean that a person cannot change, or that a person can't get better and learn from their mistakes; but it DOES mean that we can't have a "redemption arc" where we complete a checklist of story beats and then suddenly we're a better person who has experienced the necessary growth to be forgiven. First off, no amount of growth or change ever requires any victims to forgive. And second, that's just not how life works. That's not how change works. Change and growth are baby steps taken each day, and sometimes you go backwards, and you get angry with yourself, but then you pick yourself up and you try again the next day, and the next, and the next. It's an ongoing journey that does not end until you die. That's life.
But second and more importantly, the real idea that I think the original post was trying to get at, but missing the mark on was . . . okay.
So, the original OP of the post (and the person who replied to OP) got angry at the idea that the strawman they had invented (the person who had theoretically said "you can't fix him!") would deny support to someone who needs that help to grow and change as a person. The person who had replied in support of OP added that the strawman clearly believed in punitive justice over rehabilitative justice as well. On the surface, I can see where they are coming from. After all, on the whole humans are a social species and do need support networks in order to not only thrive, but survive. People such as drug addicts need support and assistance in order to get into better places in their lives, and the prison system has been proven to be far less effective at preventing repeated offenses than rehabilitative programs. This is all true.
However.
The reason why "you can't fix them" is still true, and needs to be said and understood particularly by those who are susceptible to falling into abusive relationships (e.g. people who have been abused before, particularly in childhood or adolescence) is because of free will. Specifically, the free will that each of us has, but specifically the other person. Person A can want so, so, so badly to "fix" Person B so that they stop being an abusive alcoholic 75% of the time. But if Person B doesn't actually want to stop being an abusive alcoholic (even if they say they do during the 25% of the time they aren't smacking Person A around), and refuses to put in the work that it takes to become sober and be a better person, then guess what? Nothing Person A does will ever make them be a sober, non-abusive partner. They will be unable to fix Person B. It doesn't matter how much time, energy, money, or commitment they pour into that person. It doesn't matter how much they genuinely, honestly, earnestly love them. Because unless Person B wants to change, and will put the work into doing so, then they will not change, and Person A, for their own health, safety, and sanity, needs to exit that relationship.
Now, does that mean that if, ten years down the line, Person B decides they are ready to put in the work to get their alcoholism under control, no one should help them? Of course not! They should absolutely be put in touch with sober counselors, support groups, medical professionals, friends and family who can help them. Person A could potentially forgive them, if Person A chooses. But that willingness to change and put in the work has to come from within Person B first.
I've been in the position where I've seen people in awful situations just tanking their lives, people I loved and cared about, people I begged to just listen to me and get help, only for them to not . . . and ultimately I had to accept that I couldn't fix them. I could be there to offer support when they were ready to fix themselves, but the core work that needed to be done had to come from within themselves. I couldn't provide that. Not because I was inadequate, not because I didn't love them, but because I couldn't force them to do anything they didn't want, or weren't ready, to do.
So at the end of the day, "you can't fix them" isn't about not giving support. It's about recognizing your limitations as a human being. It's about knowing that:
You cannot force someone to do something they do not want to do.
You cannot force someone to do something they are not ready to do.
Not being able to help or save someone is not a moral failing of yours.
Not being able to help or save someone does not mean you do not love or care about them.
Providing support should never come at risk of your own health and safety, physical or otherwise.
When you love someone, it can be really hard to accept this. You think, "I know I can make them want to try. I know I can inspire them to want to change. I know they love me, so if I just love them a little harder, they will want to change." Nine times out of ten, though, that is just not true. And if someone is abusing you, it is not worth the literal risk to your life to keep trying. You are worth more than that. You are more than just someone else's band-aid.
Keep yourselves safe in 2024.
#not an abuse scenario but: my mom died of covid-19#it's relevant to this discussion bc she was a trump-supporting republican who refused to get vaccinated#bc the far-right propaganda shows she watched told her the vaccine ''wasn't a real vaccine''#and i know this bc when i literally BEGGED MY PARENTS to get the vaccine my mother LAUGHED IN MY FACE and TOLD ME ''it's not a real vaccine#so anyway both my parents got it. my father almost died from it#my mom seemed like she was doing much better . . . except she CONTINUED to smoke heavily while both having covid#and recovering from covid#and once again i said hey don't you think you should not smoke cigarettes while recovering from a serious respiratory disease#and once again she laughed at me#anyway 2 months later her heart gave out in her sleep and she died#bc her body couldn't handle the stress of the cigarettes + alcohol (she was also an alcoholic) after covid had done its thing to her#she was only 56yo#so this was a case where i wanted to fix my mother. i tried so hard. and i've similarly tried to fix my father (who is still alive)#but i can't! my dad almost died and my mom DID die and my dad STILL won't get the vaccine#I HAVE BEGGED THIS MAN. WHO IS NOW 73. TO GET VACCINATED. AND HE STILL WILL NOT.#you can't fix people!!! you can't!!! you can offer them support if they want to fix themselves#you can help them fix themselves but you can't fix them. you just can't. no matter how much you love them#and in abuse cases it can be really fucking dangerous to keep trying.#anyway. that's my TED talk. thanks for attending or w/e it is they say
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Yesterday I got the chance to go on the zip line, and I'm desperately afraid of heights but I still want to do things at heights, like the climbing wall or a high ropes course. And I've tried both of those things but quit very soon or before even starting, because I can't fucking do heights. But last night I got the chance to do zip line and I really wanted to, but was incredibly terrified.
So one of my dearest friends, a woman I deeply like and love, first reassured me (I was afraid I was too heavy for the zip line) and then said "Would it help if I went with you?" And yeah, she's one of the sweetest people I've ever met and she's an incredibly comforting presence, of course I said yes.
So we walked up to the zip line platform, and this is her job so she's very good at reassuring people (usually little children, but it worked for me too) who are scared to go on the climbing wall or zip line. So as I was trying to comfort myself, she told me how it would work, and that I could just sit and the harness would hold me, so I tried that and it helped, and she told me I could just lift my legs and I'd go. So I did, and she went at the same time as me, and
My god, the anxiety and the thrill, flying through the air with her next to me, seeing her wave at me as we went, getting off at the end and her asking, "So do you want to do it again?" And wanting to do it again with her, it was one of the most amazing feelings I've ever felt. I truly felt like I could've done anything I wanted with her by my side.
#if it wasnt clear i have a massive fucking crush on her and last night solidified it so much#i volunteered to work at the wall and zip line because she works there and i wanted to spend more time with her#so shes been training me a little and also just been staying near me#like today there was open zip line and her favoeite job is sending#today she had the option to send but instead stayed doing helmets and harnesses with me and one other person#she has so much experience and certifications that she did not need to be at helmets and harnesses#i think she just wanted to be near me but maybe im crazy. but it was so nice to spend time around her#i think she knows i like her. i just havent said anything yet#today i said 'i need to tell you something but i cant' andshe said 'its okay. take your time' very clearly me needing to confess my feelings#im just bad at shit like this#but last night on the zip line with her... her reassuring me...#she said if i got up there and decided i couldn't then we would just walk back down and it would be alright#it was sincerely life changing. something out of a movie based on a ya book#on the zip line. trees around me. gorgeous scenery. looking and seeing her smiling at me. she waved. we were both laughing#fucking life changing. one of the coolest experiences ive ever had. definitely helped me get over my fear a bit#after the first time on the zip line she told me experiences like that are why she loves cope and climbing#helping someone overcome their fear and develop a love for something they were scared of#it made me feel very close to her and altogether very fulfilled#and today ive spent most of the day with her. just constantly chatting and playing card games#shes been jokingly antagonizing me today with various games (how many horses and mao) but i love her playfulness#i love her humor and creativity and laugh and mind. shes horribly snart and makes it a problem /lh#shes amazing and has changed my life as long as weve been friends and i desperately wish i could tell her my feelings#but last night was. the most amazing time ive had in quite awhile#goodnight
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My mom is like "You don't need both the TV and the radio turned on :/" like she doesn't understand that the whole point is that the inside of my head is so loud that the only way to fight the 'inside loudness' is with 'outside loudness' but :') this is fine I'll just keep going insane :') no need to worry about me :')
#I took my meds so hopefully that helps dial down the inner loudness a bit but I'm not optimistic tbh#if I'm too worked up then they don't work as well on me#idk why I just feel like I've been going crazy all day long!!!!#I'm losing my grip on things and everything feels wrong and fake#I feel so bad both physically and mentally#I'm really hoping it's just from not getting my injection yet and it'll all go away once I get it again#but I mean it's true I'm also mentally ill so idk?#for sure it's been feeling even worse than usual for me though and idk why that would randomly be happening now#and like. 2 severe headaches a day every day is not normal for me#waking up panicked from vivid nightmares literally EVERY night is not normal for me#I am extremely exhausted both physically and mentally and literally do nothing but still feel like shit#I get headaches when I wake up but they usually go away but the ones I've had recently are debilitating and won't stop#like I had to skip an online meeting because one had me feeling so terrible I just couldn't power through#I keep feeling like I'm going to die like just drop dead finally#even though that's illogical but it's how my body is making me feel#idk it just sucks#kind of tempted to ask on reddit about it but like#people go on there to share the worst of their experiences and I have enough health related phobias already#I did enough skimming to find out that it probably *is* from missing my injection though#ughhfuhfh
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putting these pages together for no particular reason
#(so i could come back to it later and think of an art idea)#SORRY i need to talk about stuff because aaaaa. ill make a side blog at some point i promise#i know the obvious parallel is ch2 and ch25 when yashiro was crying#especially if you look at it from doumeki's perspective with all his guilt and fear of becoming like his father#but if you shift the perspective to aoi and yashiro then these two work as well#both of them are so resigned to their suffering at this point and don't expect any help but doumeki shows up anyway#even if it was pure chance with aoi he still “saved” her and she tells him that she's able to do what she loves now because of him#and doumeki obviously couldn't have done anything to help yashiro when he was a child. but at least he saved him from hirata#which isn't even about hirata as a person#it's about hirata as this walking manifestation of violent homophobia and a way for yashiro to go through with his suicidal ideations#also. doumeki going to jail for 4 years in aoi's case and him being “forgotten” for 4 years in yashiro's.#he didn't even get to hear yashiro's “you saved me” because he was unconcious. and with aoi he was so focused on his guilt#that he probably didn't think about it this way either. no wonder “your sister was lucky she had you” made him cry#and no wonder he's so bitter and hurt post-time skip#oh doumeki chikara you sure are one of the characters ever (affectionate AND derogatory)
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DIANA x ALBERT WESKER / template.
#mine.#pair: ewskers#oc: diana#click for better quality ♡#posting this before i start changing more things lmao but yes i went nuts and made my own psd from scratch... don't look at me#changed ages to birth years cause of how much time passes in the story!! and also gives cheeky fc for you hehe runs away#the checkboxes make me scream like he almost had a clean sweep it's so funny. and he could've had one more i'm not even joking. cause their#first kiss was technically both of them... like idk how to explain this but they were already standing close then diana moved even closer#and was tracing his jaw and such and they were just lingering while holding eye contact but he was the one who actually closed the distance#so i mean... yeah. she was just about to and he beat her to it!! but diana made the move to get them into that position in the first place#is what i mean. i just couldn't give him more it was already too hilarious lmao#can't tell if i like the lil icons but i can't doodle so peace and love on planet earth but yes i'm happy with how this came out hehe#clueless levels are cause they are clowns <3 i have a lot of thoughts about all that but yes they both take hints in some aspects but i#think they both have trouble telling if they are genuine or not or if they are misreading the situation or whether something is romantic or#not (unless ofc it's over the top and ridiculous. ahem. excella. cough. explodes her with my mind) but yeah hit him with the tism so he's#learnt how to read people very well as he's gotten older but i think when it comes to actual just genuine like wanting to get to know#someone and not just someone wanting to get in his pants he seconds guesses it a lot. and diana's all stems from being rattled by her past#experiences oughguhh and i mean her not actually having experienced proper feelings for someone until him lmao but she's got trust issues#also there were so many tropes i could use (thank you to bestie elliot for helping me finds names of things) but i had to do i got you a#drawer specifically because that moment has such a special place in my heart!! like i need to finish the wip where i talk about that cause#it makes me so silly i'm not even joking#anyway omg i hope the mentions work because doing this on the legacy editor after copying the html for beta one because the image just#didn't want to work in the beta image for some reason rip
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I'm just so fucking tired of it all
#vent#abuse mention#it IS the blow motor that's fucked and dad says it'd be a super hard day long job to do it yourself#i'm just so fucking pissed because 'oh we couldn't help you with your electric bill* because we had to drop 1000 for your sister's new car'#*last week#and i don't want to sound like an ungrateful bitch but 'oh your ac's broken? let me point you at a guy who can do it for like 300'#hello???#i'm not asking my parents to shell out for me or anything but every fucking time i call them it's like#'oh we had to buy your sister a new car battery'#'oh we had to get your sister's bumper replaced'#'oh we had to pay your sister's rent'#this is the sister that's just the meanest rudest bitch you'll ever meet by the way#the one who was my OTHER abuser (physically and psychologically)#the one that claims that i was the favorite child and she was the poor little sole abuse victim#yeah i was the favorite. the favorite to get the shit beat out of me and told i was the oldest so i had to be The Most Perfect™ or else#i'm not saying you didn't get abused but don't you dare fucking come at me saying that you had it worse than me#abuse is abuse but boy howdy if there isn't some favoritism at play going on NOW#fuck out of here with that shit i see how it is#what fucking ever#also i had to just disassociate through an entire paranoid psychosis rant from my mother talking about how my dad's ex's husband#is going to fly down from Illinois to kill them both specifically because my dad talked to a guy who knows them and asked how they were#so i'm feeling great
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