#i could write pages about my negative experiences with christians.

[grandhotelabyss]

Thoughts on Sade?

Nothing there. I did an experiment around the lockdown over four years ago where I would write little essays on my main site that weren't book reviews. They were pegged to circulating "discourse," like my Sunday Substack posts today. I discontinued the practice back then, however, because it clashed with the site design! Anyway, I wrote one of those about Sade. I repost it below the line, not having updated my views, though maybe someday I will.

_______________________________

Mitchell Abidor reflects on “Reading Sade in the Age of Epstein,” with a useful history of the notorious author’s welcome reception by the 20th-century intelligentsia:

Then, in the aftermath of World War II, there was an extraordinary explosion of analyses of Sade. Pierre Klossowski, in his 1947 Sade, mon prochain, claimed that Sade was a man deeply influenced by Christian mystics. In a 1951 article in Les Temps modernes, Simone de Beauvoir famously asked: “Must We Burn Sade?” Answering in the negative, Beauvoir was not reticent in pointing out the flaws and contradictions of Sadeian thought. Warning against a “too easy sympathy” for him, she wrote, “it is my unhappiness he wants; my subjection and my death.” Still, she concluded by enlisting him in the Existentialist cause, saying that: “He forces us to put in question the essential problem that haunts this time in other forms: the true relationship between man and man.”

I will confess I’ve never finished anything by Sade, though I’ve probably read about 200 non-sequential pages by him, enough to get the flavor. I took two graduate seminars on Enlightenment literature and philosophy; in one, I was assigned (and did read) excerpts from 120 Days of Sodom, and in the other I was assigned all of Justine, or The Misfortunes of Virtue, but in a scholarly lapse I quit that one at the halfway point, having by then gotten the message.

Did I get the message? Faking it in the seminar room—I had no idea whether I was saying something odd or reinventing the wheel—I suggested it was a parody of Rousseau’s Nouvelle Héloïse, which we’d discussed earlier in the semester. The professor nodded sagely, as if I’d made a worthwhile claim, so I will take that as confirmation. This was a decade before what Abidor, with journalistic Hegelianism, calls “the age of #MeToo and Jeffrey Epstein,” so the seminar at large seemed more or less delighted by Sade’s sexual assault on Rousseau’s Romanticism (which, by the way, I also hated—scorning the Continentals, I wrote my final essay on Laurence Sterne and Ignatius Sancho, ribald authors of a more humanistic mentality).

Later, I dutifully read Adorno and Horkheimer, who—if I got their message—ambivalently praise Sade for revealing the secret underside of the Enlightenment, the hidden truth of bourgeois morality. I also read Roger Shattuck’s chapter on “The Divine Marquis” in Forbidden Knowledge: From Prometheus to Pornography, but found that piece disappointing. Shattuck effectively rebuts the Sadeophile French modernists and poststructuralists by juxtaposing their grandly philosophical advocacy of Sade with his texts’ grisly reality. Then Shattuck tries to argue for Sade as a dangerous author by finding among his admirers not only the likes of Barthes and Bataille but also Ian Brady and Ted Bundy.

But in a book querying limits to knowledge and indeed to free speech, focusing on a pornographer, even a major one, seems like a failure of nerve. A handful of disturbed people might have read Sade before committing crimes on unfortunate individuals; on the other hand, the perpetrators of countless pogroms and genocides and mass murders worldwide found inspiration where else but in the Bible, while Stalin, Mao, and Pol Pot studied not Sade but Marx. (Examples could be multiplied among the world’s religious scriptures and political programs.) I would have devoted a chapter on dangerous literature that perhaps ought to be forbidden—though I certainly don’t think any literature should be forbidden, at least legally—on the latter texts instead of on any kind of pornography, whose influence is by its nature more self-limiting than the effect of texts advertising themselves as universally salvific. The postmodernists, despite their sometimes reckless libertinism, had a point about that. Shattuck decides against censoring Sade, it should be noted, but advocates instead “that we should label his writings carefully: potential poison, polluting to our moral and mental environment.”

But intelligence and sensibility—not to mention limited time—demand standards above mere contrariness, or else we’ll be wasting our lives on trash produced only to provoke the pious, an unworthy goal. Sade wins undeserved readers only because he is, in some sense, or for some people, forbidden, despite his academic celebrants. So we shouldn’t burn Sade; we should ignore him. We should ignore him because his fiction and his thought are without interest. Elaborate sexual geometries illustrating fetishes not one’s own, without persons or plots to care about—who needs it? (For more on the boring nature of transgressive literature, see my pieces on Ballard and Bataille.)

As for the philosophy, it is three words long and requires no elaboration: might makes right. A  thought so crude does not reveal the terminus of the Enlightenment by abstracting into cold formalism the Enlightened belief in a rational social order, as if that order’s contents did not matter; nor does it help us to understand the Enlightenment’s underside, because it is itself too one-dimensional to count as an instance of the irrational at large, as if one could only be a robot or a rapist. There’s more insight into these psycho-political conundrums on one page of Frankenstein or Hawthorne’s short stories or even Grant Morrison’s comic-book commentaries on Sade than in anything I’ve read by the man himself.

[anxiousbuddha]

Dying Happy

I use to have a Tumblr page that I used religiously. Toward the back half of my high school years and all the way through the first year or two of college, this was the space I used to express myself freely. Back then, it was even a subversive place. I could open up about my pain, my worries, my self-image, my sexuality, and even participate in fantasy-blogging the kinds of experiences and lives I wished I was living.

Just before my mid-twenties, I stopped using Tumblr. Outside of the obvious self-evolution I was undergoing, and the major life-changes before me, Tumblr stopped being a space that felt sacred. I just didn't feel compelled to express myself on this site when I had forged real, intimate connections with people who I could express myself to in-person.

This was to my detriment, of course. As a writer, it was critical to make time and have a space for translating thoughts into words. And when there is nobody but myself and a few followers reading anyway, there is no pressure or concern about "perfection." Writing isn't perfection; it is expression. And somewhere along the way, I had forgotten that.

So I am returning to Tumblr. I have wanted to start blogging again, anyway. And I also think it is important to have a space where I can rant and ramble about the things that are in my mind (without interruption or disruption). This doesn't mean I intend for this to be some sort of strict schedule--I don't. But I do want to blog more regularly. For old time's sake.

Which brings me to the topic that kickstarted this idea and this nostalgia in the first place: DEATH.

I was recently having a conversation with some roommates and that conversation extended to a few other friends of mine. The hypothetical questions was: "would you choose immortal life if it was offered to you?"

To be clear, I am not talking about immortal life in the sense of an eternal afterlife, nor am I talking about it as something that comes with hand-selected criteria. Quite simply, you receive the gift/curse of never dying.

It divided my friend group, of course. People were very quick to accept such an offer that I was reticent about. Aside from the very obvious cons (watching family die, friends die, perpetually existing without end in a singular form, etc.) there is something unsettling to me about such desire.

I want to die happy and happily. I don't mean this in a gothic or negative or suicidal fashion, either. I don't want to live forever. I recently turned thirty-one. And while I am still very young by some standards, I have also lived a long time to others. It's that weird reality of time passing by quickly and hardly at all. I couldn't imagine carrying on and on and on forever without end. There is a part of me that anticipates death--the inner voice which refuses to be ignored, whispering that nothing is forever and impermanence is honest.

I was thinking about a Buddhist "theological" viewpoint: re-incarnation. In addition to the idea that we are all living under the illusion of separateness, we are all unique vantage points in which the Universe is experiencing itself. My parent's lives are very different from mine and very different from each other's. The stranger I meet at my job is very different. My siblings, my friends, my grandparents, and every individual I meet and will never meet--all of us the same and yet different.

If re-incarnation is scientific, then why would I ever want to exist forever as one form? Rotting inside myself, unchanging, as everything around me changes?

The Christian idea of a permanent soul and of Heaven used to inspire and comfort me. As I have matured, something about it now deeply unsettles me. It feels restrictive and uncreative. Particularly when you juxtapose a final destination of unrelenting paradise with that of ceaseless suffering. When I think about immortal life, the ideas of my Christian background come to mind.

Death has been made out to be a boogeyman. Something we should be terrified by and deeply opposed to. And it was during this conversation that I recognized something else about where I'm at in my life.

I want to greet death with a smile. That means living my life in the present moment, every moment. That means infusing the Supreme Love in every action. How can you die happy when you resist death? How can you die happily as a passive, passenger in your own life?

Part of "waking up" is making friends with death. And so in my practice, I try to reflect about my mortality every day.

As thought-provoking as questions about immortality can be--differing viewpoints and philosophies certainly elicit interesting discourse--at the end of EVERY hypothetical is actual reality: DEATH.

DYING HAPPY means LIVING WISELY.

[tortoisebore]

originally reblogged the sibling post but then it made me feel itchy so here i am again

im the youngest of 4!! all of them are my half siblings, but saying "half sibling" is more of a family tree thing than an actual relationship thing. two brothers on my moms side, one sister on my dads. ive only met my sister maybe 5 times, her and my dad have never been on good terms. my middle brother and i are best friends despite the age difference and my oldest brother lives across the country but we try to talk often. youngest children get shit for getting the most attention from their parents, and although i think thats true and i could write a 10 page essay on the shitty ways my parents treated my middle brother compared to me, but there are completely unfair expectations for every child, and i think it isnt right to say that all that attention was always good attention. very fortunate to have a good relationship with my brothers, though, its made a lot of days easier! im the only fire sun of my siblings and my middle brother and i are a menace together since hes a scorpio! love him sm

YES YES YES 100% YES

allllll placements within the family are different and as the oldest sibling it sometimes feels like the younger kids have it easier but they DON’T—their experiences are just different!

like, my oldest-younger sister & i grew up with extremely strict conservative christian parents, but thankfully they’ve turned around a lot in the last couple of years and have become more lenient and progressive. but parenting-wise, it’s like night & day between the two oldest siblings in our family and the two youngest

it looks from the outside like my brother has zero rules—he doesn’t have to do chores, he can be on his computer all day unsupervised without anyone constantly checking his browser history, watch whatever he wants, etc. and the parts of me that are still bitter at how my parents raised me is sometimes like ‘that’s not fair.’

BUT, my brother doesn’t have the same structure that gave me an early sense of responsibility that i cherish now as an adult, he doesn’t have multiple siblings in the house with him to keep him company so he spends a lot of time alone, and the attention he does finally get is often negative for grades, behavior, etc. it’s also hard for him to be the only boy, and come after my sister and i, who were both always on our best behavior, had great grades without trying, and ‘respected’ our parents (really we were just too afraid of punishment to argue back), so my brother gets deemed ‘difficult’ just bc he came after two ‘easy’ daughters. it’s hard for me to watch the way he’s treated and spoken about sometimes because i can recognize his experience now, so i’m always his #1 defender in any situation, even when he might be in the wrong. fighting anyone that comes after him also means punching at my own family sometimes lmaooo but u gotta do what u gotta do

it’s such a huge relief to be close with them despite all of these weird & changing dynamics, i’m so glad that you’re close with your brother! at the end of the day our siblings are the people we spent the most time with and the ones that i feel like we see ourselves the most in, good and bad. like, there are pieces of me in each of my siblings and pieces of each of them in me, and even when it doesn’t always manifest in a positive way, those are the parts of myself i’m most fond of

[williszhang]

Memes* cause depression

*well, internet scrolling in general, which are basically memes or meme-adjacent.

During company layoffs, I went two straight weeks looking at nothing but internal memes. They were really helpful in processing the feelings of hurt and shock.

Memes with my colleagues straddle an interesting spectrum. It's "connection" with a real collective community, but the collective is across 200K employees.

Extrapolate that to an entire internet "community" and you have the state of today's media. For all the split-second entertainment that's out there, I rarely laugh. That's true unfortunately not just with internet browsing, but with life and with people too.

Is it just me? Are we not having as many belly laughs with people as with past times?

I could be conflating a number of other true things: adult friendships don't tend to be as deep as those from youth,   raising a kid is a perpetual beatdown, pandemic disconnection, desensitization from working in a frenetic environment,

but let me just stick to my thesis a little longer. First, what am I calling a "meme," and why do they make us depressed? A meme (picture, short video skit, stupid Tweet™️) is basically an attempt through media to get a "Oh I know that feeling!" It's creating a "connection," and the more niche the reference the greater the payoff, e.g., in order from basic to niche: SAT -> 90skids4lyfe -> depression/anxiety/introvert/antisocial -> grad school memes with relatable themes -> NUMTOT -> MD is a cult Not a State -> Super Secret DMV bboy page. Honestly for every human experience, and I mean *every*, we've created some media.

But here's the thing. I think connection is zero-sum. At the core of it, memes create connection to a nebulous internet entity, which thus disconnects us more and more with our real counterparts. We strip ourselves the opportunity to laugh with real friends, because would-be funny convos are constantly scuttled with our mental "oh I've seen this line of humor already in a meme." I sense this constantly in my interactions. People including myself have a hard time laughing from true novelty, because there is none.

And it's even more negative than zero-sum. The meme reduces the dimensions and dignity of the human experience it's making fun of. Tokenizes and trivializes. Ironically, the more nuanced ("niche") the meme is the more the tokenization effect. Because of this, I draw a line at Christian memes. Under no circumstances I'll entertain Christian memes. That's the last thing in my life I need trivializing.

As self-proclaimed Nostalgia King, I think about how life was in the 2000s. Even though we had internet, its use was so different. We still used Facebook to catch up with real people in our lives, not random impersonal internet personalities. AIM chat was in its heyday. We connected with real folks. 

Will I stop with memes? Maybe! I unfollowed a bunch of meme accounts by the end of writing this. Out of all my social contexts, I think I have pretty good laughs with bboys. The meme skills of the community are so poor it's actually a net-benefit. It also helps you're inherently vulnerable and silly when participating. A lot of the things discussed here are themes from the book "You Are Not Your Own" by Alan Noble. Excellent read, seriously cut me on specific modern problems that older religious figures don't have insight into (a la memes, porn, and smartphones).

[snekdood]

i think some of ya’ll under estimates the JQ’s ability to subtly infect people, esp when they’re not aware of the dogwhistles (most people) 

it starts innocently- you’re a kid or an adult unable to detect manipulation, you pick up a new interest, and then you watch some videos about it, you find a video that somehow suggests there’s a “hidden secret” going on, obviously intriguing, you go on to learn about those secrets. if you watched new age stuff like me, there were a lot of “secrets” about aliens, i thought the aliens were cool and wanted to learn more, but apparently the aliens too are connected to this weird government secret, i try to learn more and essentially leave w the impression i cant trust my govt for shit (but maybe the aliens would save me, and yes i considered all of them bc i didn’t wanna believe all the aliens were just genetically evil) and they probably have child sex rings or something (which is intuitively true to me bc the govt’s fucked and run by christians who would be likely to have child sex rings, given how many priests are pedophiles, and all the ritual stuff seemed like something a christian kkk member would do). that was the only information i had and that’s all i extracted from reading that stuff at 14, and all it did was give me paranoia. i never looked into things further, i never went to those weird forums, but the baseline is already there now. i was more focused on the whole *spirituality* thing in new age beliefs, and the aliens were cool to me and i often doubted if the bad ones were really all that bad. NONE of those websites at the time mentioned ANYTHING about jewish people, i’d also specifically avoid websites that mentioned god w an uppercase g bc i knew they were christians, and christians are my enemy in this, so i knew that christians were trying to co opt “the truth” and inject a different message that was more sinister so i’d avoid literally anything like that. im already a failed and bad candidate for nazis lol bc i failed to apparently digest the final bit that it’s supposed to be *jewish people*, i guess because i wasn’t a christian back then so i didn’t have a hate boner for other abrahamic religions that were different from mine. so i just never got that last bit- but you can see how easy it is to decent into-- and id argue a lot of new age spirituality is a gateway and an entrance to the alt right pipeline and to JQ conspiracy theories. maybe the spirit science guy wasn’t intending to demonize jewish people in his “history of the world” video, but the othering of them doesnt help, acting like they’re a separate alien species that’s just smarter and gooder still isn’t exactly a great narrative bc you’re still dehumanizing them. and im sure for ppl more inclined to believe jewish ppl are evil will digest the thought that jewish people are not human like everyone else and then take it further when they learn about the conspiracy theories. 

anyways, I think acting like everyone who’s fallen into these conspiracy theories or even new age beliefs “should have known better” or “probably knew but didn’t resist it” is pretty unfair when on the outside new age stuff seems pretty fuckin innocent and happy and fun and ✨magical✨ and how, at least back in 2012/2013/etc, hardly any of that stuff mentioned jewish people specifically as being the source of evil, you’re supposed to have some sort of belief before that that leads you to that conclusion and im reeaaalllly leaning on the idea that it’s just being christian and hating other abrahamic religions that are different. 

also to me the freemasons seemed like a cover up for/a nicer looking kkk back in the day when i believed crazy conspiracies, idk, but thats just me 🤷‍♂️ i’ve been pretty staunchly anti christian my whole life so ig that’s where my mind naturally went.

[bogkeep]

hmmmmmmmmmm maybe i’ll write an Introspective Musing Post about my relationship to religion and their depiction in stories because i’ve pondering about this topic lately

so for those who are reading this and DON’T know what’s been going on...  there’s this webcomic i fell in love with some years ago, about six years actually, that depicts a post-apocalyptic fantasy/horror adventure set in the nordic countries. it had, and has still, some very uncomfortable flaws regarding racial representation, and the creator has historically not dealt very well with criticism towards it. it’s a whole Thing. my relationship with this comic has fluctuated a lot, since there are a lot of elements in it i DO love and i still feel very nostalgic about, and like idk i felt like i trust my skills in critical thinking enough to keep reading. aaand then the creator went a teensy bit off the deep end created a whole minicomic which is like... a lukewarm social media dystopia where christians are oppressed (and also everyone is a cute bunny, including our lord and saviour jesus christ). which is already tonedeaf enough considering there are religious people who DO get prosecuted for their faith, like, that’s an actual reality for a lot of people - but as far as i can tell, usually not christians. and then there’s an afterword that’s like, “anyway i got recently converted and realized i’m a disgusting human being full of sin who doesn’t deserve redemption but jesus loves me so i’ll be fine!! remember to repent for your sins xoxo” and a bunch of other stuff and IT’S KIND OF REALLY CONCERNING i have, uh, been habitually looking at the reactions to and discussions around this, maybe it’s not very self care of me but there’s a lot of overwhelming things rn and it’s fantastically distracting, yknow? like, overall this situation is fairly reminiscent of the whole jkr thing. creator of a series that is Fairly Beloved, does something hurtful, handles backlash in a weird way, a lot of people start taking distance from Beloved Series or find ways to enjoy it on their own terms, creator later reveals to have been fully radicalized and releases a whole manifesto, and any and all criticism gets framed as harassment and proving them right. of course, one of them is a super rich person with a LOT of media power and a topic that is a lot more destructive in our current zeitgeist, and the other is an independent webcomic creator, so it’s  not the same situation. just similar vibez ya feel as a result of this, i have been Thinking. and just this feels like some sort of defeat like god dammit she got me i AM thinking about the topic she wrote about!!! i should dismiss the whole thing!!! but thinking about topics is probably a good thing so hey lets go. me, i’m agnostic. i understand that this is a ‘lazy’ position to take, but it’s what works for me. i simply do not vibe with organized religion, personally. (i had the wikipedia page for ‘chaos magic’ open in a tab for several weeks, if that helps.) i was raised by atheists in a majorly atheist culture. christian atheist, i should specify. norway has been mostly and historically lutheran, and religion has usually been a private and personal thing. it turns out the teacher i had in 7th grade was mormon, but i ONLY found out because he showed up in a tv series discussing religious groups in norway later, and he was honestly one of the best teachers i have ever had - he reignited the whole class’ interest in science, math, and dungeons and dragons. it was a real “wait WHAT” moment for my teenage self. i think i was briefly converted to christianity by my friend when i was like 7, who grew up in a christian family (i visited them a couple times and always forgot they do prayers before dinner. oops!), but like, she ALSO made me believe she was the guardian of a secret magic orb that controls the entire world and if i told anybody the world would burn down in 3 seconds. i only suspected something was off when one day the Orb ran on batteries, and another day the Orb had to be plugged in to charge. in my defense i really wanted to be part of a cool fantasy plot. i had no idea how to be a christian beyond “uuuuh believe in god i guess” so it just faded away on its own. when i met this friend several years later, she was no longer christian. i think every childhood friend of mine who grew up in a christian family, was no longer christian when they grew up. most notably my closest internet friend whose family was catholic - she had several siblings, and each of them took a wildly different path, from hippie treehugger to laveyan satanist or something in that area. (i joined them for a sermon in a church when they visited my town. my phone went off during it because i had forgotten to silence it. oops!) ((i also really liked their mother’s interpretation of purgatory. she explained it as a bath, not fire. i like that.)) i have never had any personal negative experiences with christianity, despite being openly queer/gay/trans. the only time someone has directly told me i’m going to hell was some guy who saw me wearing a hoodie on norway’s constitution day. yeah i still remember that you bastard i’ve sworn to be spiteful about it till the day i die!! i’ve actually had much more insufferable interactions with the obnoxious kind of atheists - like yes yes i agree with you on a lot but that doesn’t diminish your ability to be an absolute hypocrite, it turns out? i remember going to see the movie ‘noah’ with a friend who had recently discovered reddit atheism and it was just really exhausting to discuss it with her. one of these Obnoxious Atheists is my Own Mother. which is a little strange, honestly, because she LOVES visiting churches for the Aesthetic and Architecture. we cannot go anywhere without having to stop by a pretty church to Admire and Explore. I’VE BEEN IN SO MANY CHURCHES FOR AN ATHEIST RAISED NON-CHRISTIAN. i’ve been to the vatican TWICE (i genuinely don’t even know how much of my extended family is christian. up north in the tiny village i come from, i believe my uncle is the churchkeeper, and it’s the only building in the area that did not get burnt down by the the nazis during ww2 - mostly because soldiers needed a place to sleep. still don’t know whether or not said uncle believes or not, because hey, it’s Personal) i think my biggest personal relationship to religion, and christianity specifically, has been academic. yeah, we learned a brief synopsis of world religions at school (and i remember the class used to be called ‘christianity, religion, and ethics’ and got changed to ‘religion, beliefs, and ethics’ which is cool. it was probably a big discourse but i was a teen who didnt care), but also my bachelor degree is in art history, specifically western art history because it’s a vast sprawling topic and they had to distill it as best they could SIGHS. western art history is deeply entangled with the history of the church, and i think the most i’ve ever learnt about christianity is through these classes (one of my professors wrote an article about how jesus can be interpreted as queer which i Deeply Appreciate). i also specifically tried to diversify my academic input by picking classes such as ‘depiction of muslims and jewish people in western medieval art’ and ‘art and religion’ when i was an exchange student in canada, along with 101 classes in anthropology and archaeology. because i think human diversity and culture is very cool and i want to absorb that knowledge as best as i can. i think my exchange semester in canada was the most religiously diverse space have ever been in, to be honest. now as an adult i have more christian friends again, but friends who chose it for themselves, and who practice in ways that sound good and healthy, like a place of solace and community for them. the vast majority of my friends are queer too, yknow?? i’ve known too many people who have seen these identities as fated opposites, but they aren’t, they’re just parts of who people are. it’s like... i genuinely love people having their faiths and beliefs so much. i love people finding that space where they belong and feel safe in. i love people having communities and heritages and connections. i deeply respect and admire opening up that space for faith within any other communities, like... if i’m going to listen to a podcast about scepticism and cults, i am not going to listen to it if it’s just an excuse to bash religion. i think the search for truth needs to be compassionate, always. you can acknowledge that crystals are cool and make people happy AND that multi level marketing schemes are deeply harmful and prey on people in vulnerable situaitons. YOU KNOW???? so now’s when i bring up Apocalypse Comic again. one of the things i really did like about it was, ironically, how it handled religion. in its setting, people have returned to old gods, and their magic drew power from their religion. characters from different regions had different beliefs and sources. in the first arc, they meet the spirit of a lutheran pastor, who ends up helping them with her powers. it was treated as, in the creators own words, ‘just another mythology’. and honestly? i love that. it was one of the nicest depictions i’ve seen of christianity in fiction, and as something that could coexist with other faiths. I Vibe With That. and then, uh, then... bunny dystopia comic. it just... it just straight up tells you christianity is literally the only way to..?? be a good person??? i guess?? i’m still kind of struggling to parse what exactly it wanted to say. the evil social media overlord bird tells you the bible makes you a DANGEROUS FREETHINKER, but the comic also treats rewriting the bible or finding your own way to faith as something,, Bad. The Bible Must Remain Unsullied. Never Criticize The Bible. also, doing good things just for social media clout is bad and selfish. you should do good things so you don’t burn in hell instead. is that the message? it reads a lot like the comic creator already had the idea for the comic, but only got the urge to make it after she was converted and needed to spread the good word. you do you i guess!! i understand that she’s new to this and probably Going Through Something, and this is just a step on her journey. but the absolute self-loathing she described in her afterword... it does not sound good. i’m just some agnostic kid so what do i know, but i do not think that kind of self-flagellating is a kind faith to have for yourself. i might not ever have been properly religious, but you know what i AM familiar with? a brain wired for ocd and intrusive thoughts. for a lot of my life i’ve struggled with my own kind of purity complex. i’ve had this really strange sensitivity for things that felt ‘tainted’. i’ve experienced having to remove more and more words from my vocabulary because they were Bad and i did not want to sully my sentences. it stacked, too - if a word turned out to be an euphemism for something, i could never feel comfortable saying it again. i still struggle a bit with these things, but i have confronted these things within myself. i’ve had to make myself comfortable with imperfection and ‘tainted’ things and accept that these are just, arbitrary categories my mind made up. maybe that’s the reason i can’t do organized religion even if i found one that fit for me - just like diets can trigger disordered eating, i think it would carve some bad brainpaths for me. so yeah i’m worried i guess! i’m worried when people think it’s so good that she finally found the correct faith even if it’s causing all this self-hate. is there really not a better way? or are they just trusting she’ll find it? and yeah it’s none of my concern, it’s like, i worry for jkr too but i do not want her within miles of my trans self thANKS. so like, i DO enjoy media that explores faith and what it means for you. my favourite band is the oh hellos, which DOES draw on faith and the songwriter’s experience with it. because of my religious iliteracy most of it has flown over my head for years and i’m like “oh hey this is gay” and then only later realize it was about god all along Probably. i like what they’ve done with the place. also, stormlight archive - i had NO idea sanderson was mormon, the way he writes his characters, many of whom actively discuss religion and their relationship to it. i love that about the books, honestly. Media That Explores Religion In A Complex And Compassionate Way... we like that i’ve been thinking about my own stories too, and how i might want to explore faith in them. most of my settings are based on magic and it’s like, what role does religion have in a world where gods are real and makes u magic. in sparrow spellcaster’s story, xe creates? summons? an old god - brings them to life out of the idea of them. it’s a story about hubris, mostly. then there’s iphimery, the story where i am actively fleshing out a pantheon. there’s no doubt the gods are real in the fantasy version of iphimery, they are the source of magic and sustain themselves on slivers of humanity in exchange. but in the modern version, where they are mostly forgotten? that’s some room for me to explore, i think. especially the character of timian, who comes from a smaller town and moves to a large and diverse city. in the fantasy story, the guardian deity chooses his sister as a vessel. in the modern setting, that does not happen, and i don’t yet know what does, but i really want timian to be someone who struggles with his identity - his faith, his sexuality, the expectations cast upon him by his hometown... i’m sure it’s a cliché story retold through a million gay characters but i want to do it too okay. i want to see him carve out his own way of existing within the world because i care him and want to see him thrive!!! alrighty i THINK that’s all i wanted to write. thanks if you read all of this, and if you didn’t that’s super cool have a nice day !

[mismashedsocks]

 so riordan made a half assed lame excuse on his lazy/racist writing on piper yesterday and on top of that he made another one on samirah and i’m muslim so i am going to talk about it

damn i’m so sorry these people have been pushing you past your comfort zone about your wildly popular racist caricatures of minorities that have great impact on your young, impressionable target audience. while its fine that if he takes a break for his mental health he still needs to deal with these problems you can’t just take a break and hope they go away.

why does he think everyone is bullying him. if they talked in all caps, cussed at you, or didn’t stop bothering you, i’m sorry they’re just trying to get you to realize how racist your books are, which you keep refusing to believe. i can believe that a few of them were doing it for attention, but it couldn’t be the majority. and my god, god forbid people want you to write your books the way you preferred, without racist stereotypes. 🙈

you can set your boundaries but you keep ignoring the people, you don’t listen. like you put yourself out there as a writer you are open to criticism

why does he keep doing this to seem like the good guy. you give excuses and don’t do anything and just say that its up to you, you can think whatever you want 🥰🥰. like its such an obvious excuse not to take any action.

i’m sorry but no matter how many muslims you’ve interacted with you haven’t gotten the full experience and last time i checked teachers aren’t the kids best friends soo uhm. anyways the rest of it is just him telling his experience with muslimah students so its just there.

so uhm you just said your students ‘unwillingly’ become an ambassador to everyone she knew’. and then you went to talk to them about islam to make sure you were TEACHING THEM YOUR SOURCE MATERIAL CORRECTLY. i’m sorry imagine. these are kids not some scholars you go to consult. there are so many muslims all over the internet and youtube sharing their experiences for you to access on how to ‘represent their experience’ correctly. you’re the teacher here. picture this:as a muslilm, i teach at a public school and while teaching about Christianity in class, no i would double check or some dumb shit with the students. like educate yourself i’m sorry. anyways apparently he blames his mistakes on himself then goes on to deny he ever made any mistakes i can’t.

so this is a blatant lie. 99% of muslims i’ve met have never read all of sahih bukhari and sahih muslim. usually only scholars do that when they are studying islam for YEARS. and FIVE different interpretations of the quran on top of that. ok so sahih bukhari is 9 books that are over 300 pages each and sahih musilm is 7 volumes with also about 300+ pages each. and then the english versions of the quran are 600 pages. and he claims he read five of them. i’m so sorry but no he didn’t. he writes books so fast and he released mcga around the time toa was being released almost one book per year so he did not have a lot of spare time. the rest ig i can let slide. also and if he did do all of that why does he make so many mistakes in writing samirah. and even IF you accept his excuses reading ALL of this source material is great for teaching your class or whatever but not for writing a modern day muslim. you don’t need to lie to us rick ❤️

most of this is just describing what she’s like but his writing did also add in the model minority, smart kid trope. like no they don’t have to be a terrorist or a A+ student who is the best at everything. there is a middle ground to their personality. 

i actually used to love his rep in sam. that’s how i got into the series. i saw a hijabi girl on his website. i got excited and read all of his books. i loved piper, leo, hazel, percy, annabeth, sadie, carter, nico, everyone. now that i look back i was younger and didn’t see anything wrong with it back then. its great that he tried to portray minorities but he did it so badly and now is just denying the faults that his now older readers are trying to tell him.

hey, uhm didn’t you read all of sahih bukhari and muslim? hmm i didn’t think so. anyways the way he dealt with it honestly wasn’t that bad. but the whole ‘whoops’. like why does he keep portraying himself as the innocent old white man just trying his best.

honestly how he wrote samirah as a hijabi was the dumbest thing i’ve ever read. its is totally fine if she wasn’t hijabi, many muslim girls aren’t, and that is their choice. but he decided to make her like a weird middle ground. it was so lazy and inconsistent. in the first book she says she wears it when she needs to, like in situations like going to the masjid. this was fine, since many muslim girls do that. then in the next books she wears it all the time except when she’s in valhalla for some reason. hijabi girls take of their scarves when they’re at home or with family, but making her claim the entirety of vallhalla as her family. that was just demeaning and stupid to me. it takes away its value. and i fucking hated that last sentence. for hijabis, their hijab is important and not a toy or weapon or a MAGIC ITEM. and then on top of that she would have to take it of to hide. he could’ve made it anything else. her hijab isn’t some token item istg.

i love how he admits that they are a big problem and abusive and usually engage with child marriages. i’m relatively he doesn’t understand what the people even meant by it. the practice is a problem that isn’t supposed to be seen in a nice light. the only possible way it could be slightly ok is that if ADULTS agree they 100% do not want to choose who they want to get married to and let their parents choose, and both sides agree. samirah was a child and he decided to make her wedding life decided since the age of 12. and it was ok because amir was conventionally attractive and she loved him. WHAT IF SHE DIDNT. this literally is a dangerous arranged marriage. and arranged marriages are not ok, and mostly perpetuated by victims of it who will end up passing it down their family lines. my parents got an arranged marriage and I HAVE NEVER SEEN THEM DISPLAY ANY SIGNS OF AFFECTION. arranged marriages are not a trope that your can turn around to be a quirky personality trait for your characters.

i’m sorry that’s not how arranged marriages work. most likely if she said something her grandparents would have shut her done and continued with the marriage, as that is what you usually happens. do not portray the small amount of consented, ‘happy’ arranged marriages as the majority. it is a huge problem that many desi/middle eastern cultures are trying to erase. even on top of that he writes situations where she’s going to be in trouble for acting up and ‘jeopardizing the marriage agreement’ and that her grandparents think she’s ‘lucky that she could get the fadlan family to agree to marry their son to her’. these statements are often used in forced and dangerous marriages, so don’t try and justify your actions. if you wanted to show traditional customs in a positive light, there are so many richer parts of samirah’s culture you could’ve focused on and you chose arranged marriage. 😻 all you’ve done is given parents and authority figures a westernized resource to justify arranged and forced marriages, especially with the minimal explanation on how the marriage isn’t forced in the actual books. and yes, your books do condone child marriage samirah is clearly deemed into this marriage ever since the young age of 12. she lived her life knowing she would marry amir. no one has only one crush throughout their life. imagine how she would’ve grown up. sorry you only consider opinions that align with those in you mind.

i’m going to be honest i did like that one scene it was written nicely and accurately but the explanation he gives just ruins the entire thing. the way he just if this strikes you as islamophobic, or samirah as a hurtful, uhm no explanation i just disagree 😽. the way you wrote her is a hurtful stereotype sorry you can’t see it.

oops, you did. too bad you don’t want to do anything about it.

why do you think people are painting you in a negative light, so many of your characters are written on hurtful and negative stereotypes. people aren’t painting it that way, you need to calm down w your ego and listen. dang i’m sorry your best is giving half-assed excuses and not actually doing anything. i’m even more sorry people are mad that a highly privileged author that has a lot of influence is done talking about his racist depictions of minorities in his books. 

dang must be lucky to take a break from the social media, imagine what all the minorities you wrote about have to go with everyday weather they are on social media or not. people aren’t bullying you this is valid criticism you refuse to listen to.

fuck you

obviously these are my opinions do not judge every muslim based on what i’ve said come to me if you have a problem with it

anyways support jewish, muslim, black, brown, asian, hispanic, indigenous, lgbtq+, disabled, and other minority authors and creators.

[mortalis-arc]

𝐬𝐭𝐮𝐝𝐲   :   𝐚   𝐥𝐨𝐨𝐤   𝐢𝐧𝐬𝐢𝐝𝐞   𝐝𝐞𝐬𝐝𝐞𝐦𝐨𝐧𝐚'𝐬   𝐚𝐛𝐢𝐥𝐢𝐭𝐢𝐞𝐬.

i've   been   taking   the   time   i've   spent   on   my   own   to   kind   of   hone   in   on   the   abilities   i   want   desdemona   to   have   &   what   she   experiences   during   her   communications   with   spirits   ,   how   it   effects   her   ,   etc.

**   i've   taken   inspiration   from   various   pieces   of   media   like   hereditary   ,   the   conjuring   universe   ,   charmed   ,   ghost   whisperer   ,   etc.   and   also   put   my   own   lil   spin   on   some   things.

𝐏𝐑𝐄𝐅𝐀𝐂𝐄   ::   desdemona   first   successfully   contacted   a   spirit   in   her   childhood   home   in   new   orleans.   not   a   malicious   being   by   any   means.   in   fact   ,   it   was   the   spirit   of   an   elderly   woman   named   LUCINDA   (commonly   referenced   as   LUCY   )   WYATT.   she   passed   away   from   end   stage   dementia.   interestingly   enough   ,   lucinda   was   very   close   with   desdemona's   grandmother   ,   ALESSIA   CALLAWAY.

alessia   callaway   not   only   possessed   the   gift   of   the   callaway   women   (   a.k.a   mediumship   )   ,   but   she   was   also   a   gifted   witch   &   now   ,   the   spirit   of   a   gifted   witch.   

when   des   first   noticed   the   presence   of   lucy   ,   it   was   a   few   nights   after   her   tenth   birthday.   she   was   struggling   to   get   to   sleep   one   night   ,   but   found   sleep   came   with   ease   after   she   felt   a   soothing   touch   to   her   arm.   it   wasn't   human   —   much   too   cold   ,   much   too   light.

it   was   later   on   that   year   ,   after   many   encounters   with   lucy   (   who   always   seemed   to   be   there   for   desdemona   when   she   needed   it   most   )   that   des   finally   mentioned   it   to   her   grandmother   when   they   were   glancing   through   an   old   photo   album.   inside   ?   a   picture   of   the   day   des   was   born   ,   cradled   in   the   arms   of   none   other   than   lucinda.   

this   is   when   desdemona's   grandmother   &   mother   began   taking   her   on   secret   outings.   her   brother   could   tag   along   on   one   condition   :   father   was   never   to   find   out.   he   deeply   despised   alessia   from   the   moment   they   met   ;   told   his   wife   that   her   mother   was   practicing   satanism   &   witchcraft   and   that   he   would   have   absolutely   none   of   that   in   his   God-fearing   Christian   household.

the   secret   outings   normally   would   consist   of   hanging   out   at   grandma's   house   ,   listening   to   stories   from   mother   &   grandmother   about   the   gift   that   the   callaway   women   held.   a   gift   of   mediumship   &   even   in   one   extreme   case   ,   SPIRIT   CONTROL.   

**   more   things   abt   des'   childhood   &   family   will   most   likely   be   in   her   bio.   this   was   just   a   lil   ....   refresher   i   guess   !!!   if   you're   rlly   interested   in   hearing   more   about   her   childhood/grandmother/father/whatever   then   you   can   always   message   me.   otherwise   i'm   hoping   to   have   her   bio   written   SOOOOON.

𝐃𝐄𝐒𝐃𝐄𝐌𝐎𝐍𝐀'𝐒   𝐀𝐁𝐈𝐋𝐈𝐓𝐈𝐄𝐒

𝐒𝐏𝐈𝐑𝐈𝐓   𝐖𝐑𝐈𝐓𝐈𝐍𝐆   ::   one   of   the   safest   &   easiest   ways   for   des   to   communicate   with   the   dead.   you   may   notice   that   she   always   carries   around   a   journal   with   her.   it   is   a   journal   given   by   her   mother   (   previously   owned   by   her   grandmother   )   and   it   holds   all   of   the   written   conversations   she's   had   with   spirits   before.

you   might   be   thinking   :   ok   so   how   is   this   different   from   ghost   writing   in   phasmophobia   

only   des   is   able   to   read   this   journal   with   the   exception   of   other   humans   possessing   the   same   ability   /   some   sort   of   clairvoyance   /   mediumship   ,   or   other   spirits.   to   an   average   human   being   ,   it   looks   like   a   blank   notebook.   empty   pages   front   to   back.   they   cannot   see   that   it's   actually   ,   in   fact   ,   filled   page   to   page   with   written   messages.   

so   what   happens   when   the   pages   run   out   ?   she   simply   buys   a   new   notebook   and   binds   it   with   the   same   spell   her   grandmother   taught   her   before   passing   on.   so   yes   ,   somewhere   in   desdemona's   apartment   there   is   a   stack   of   seemingly   blank   notebooks.

if   she   feels   some   sort   of   negative   energy   ,   she'll   try   to   refrain   from   using   the   book   to   protect   herself   from   letting   anything   attach   to   it.   but   u   know.   shit   happens.   (   i   was   just   thinkin   abt   her   demonic   possession   verse   ok   )

𝐀𝐋𝐋   𝐎𝐅   𝐓𝐇𝐄   𝐂𝐋𝐀𝐈𝐑𝐒....   ::   so   yeah   !!   i'm   officially   settled   on   the   fact   that   des   can   experience   clairaudience   ,   clairvoyance   ,   and   clairsentience.   she   can   hear   ,   see   ,   and   feel   various   spirits.   she   can   also   channel   ,   or   use   her   body   as   a   conduit   for   spirits   to   take   control   and   relay   messages   to   the   living.   some   of   these   can   of   course   be   a   little   more   dangerous   /   anxiety   inducing   than   others.   typically   after   she   uses   her   body   as   a   conduit   ,   she'll   be   extremely   exhausted   for   days   afterwards.   she   might   experience   disassociation   ,   high   levels   of   anxiety   ,   etc.

𝐒𝐏𝐈𝐑𝐈𝐓   𝐃𝐎𝐌𝐈𝐍𝐈𝐎𝐍   ::   this   is   considered   to   be   an   extremely   rare   power   that   no   one   in   the   callaway   family   possessed   until   desdemona   came   along.   and   even   with   her   ,   it   is   in   its   beginning   stages.   it   is   an   extremely   strong   ability   that   usually   just   festers   within   her   ,   grows   in   power   and   begs   to   be   freed   .   .   .

des   ,   herself   ,   does   not   know   that   she   posseses   this   power.   her   grandmother   knew   des   was   destined   for   great   things   from   birth   ,   maybe   even   knew   secretly   that   her   own   granddaughter   possessed   such   a   power.   but   she   never   told   desdemona's   mother   or   des   herself.   she   thought   ,   '   if   des   is   meant   to   know   ,   she   will.   '

so   what   IS   spirit   dominion   ?   i'm   still   looking   into   it   ,   trying   to   tweak   some   things   for   des   because   typically   it's   only   like   .   .   .   other   spirits   that   can   have   this.   but   i   imagine   that   des   could   be   able   to   paralyze   ,   influence   ,   or   inflict   pain   on   a   spirit.   maybe   not   a   demon   ,   maybe   so   .   .   .   if   it   was   particularly   weaker   ?

but   on   a   strong   entity   ,   i   feel   like   des   would   discover   her   power   and   attempt   to   use   it   ,   ultimately   fail   &   lead   to   her   own   untimely   death.   as   we   all   know   ,   i've   already   canoned   her   deathg   jfgbdfjkgbj

[themousefromfantasyland]

Santa Claus and the Nature of Belief

I doubt anyone will read this thing, but here's my not-so-little essay: God is as real as Santa, and Santa is as real as God, and I don't say this in a negative way.

Every holiday season I end up reflecting about Santa and the nature of belief as a whole.

We tell our kids to believe in Santa, and generally we try to protect that belief for as long as we can. A frequent theme in Christmas movies is the kid or adult that don't believe in Santa Claus, but by the end of the movie their faith is restored and magic can be sensed everywhere.

And I wonder, what was all that truly about.

Yes, Virginia. There's a Santa Claus

This is the most reprinted newspaper editorial in the English language, and one of the most important pieces of Holiday lore in North America.

Virginia O'Hanlon was the daughter of a coroner's assistant, Dr. Philip O'Hanlon. In 1897, at eight years old, she asked her father if Santa Claus existed. Her father recommended that she send her question to "The Sun", a very important newspaper from New York City, which ran from 1833 until 1950. This was her original letter.

For the surprise of everyone involved The Sun responded the question of the little girl. As far as I can see there was no utterior motive. The paper ran the editorial in the seventh place on the page, below even one on the "chainless bicycle". But it was noticed by the readers. It became almost a legend.

What is important about the story is that the author of the editorial was Francis Pharcellus Church. This man was a war correspondent during the American Civil War. He saw pain, death, misery and despair.

"The Rest of the Story", a radio program that presented little-known or forgotten facts of History, described Church as a hardened cynic and an atheist who had little patience for superstitious beliefs. Initially, he didn't wanted to write the editorial. He even refused to allow his name to be attached to it.

His other writings typically espoused hardened cynicism, skepticism toward religion and superstition. Yet, his most memorable work celebrates faith.

Was he forced to write this thing? Why someone so contrary to blind faith and superstitious beliefs would try so hard to protect and legitimate the beliefs of a young girl? We will never know the answer.

Santa as a metaphor for God.

Mr. Kringle is not concerned for himself, if he was he wouldn't be here. He is in this regrettable position because he is willing to sacrifice himself for children. To create in their minds a world far better than the one we've made for them. If this is, as Mr. Collins suggests, a masquerade then Mr. Kringle is eager to forfeit his freedom to preserve that masquerade. To subject himself to prosecution to protect the children's right to believe. If this court finds that Mr. Kringle is not who he says he is, that there is no Santa, I ask the court to judge which is worse: A lie that draws a smile or a truth that draws a tear.

Miracle on 34th Street

To believe in something even when it doesn't make sense or when you don't have proof. This is a frequent theme in Santa movies. Many use Santa as a commentary on the nature of faith and use him as metaphor to the Christian god. No one took it so far as the 1998 remake of Miracle on 34th street.

The final proof on court that Kris Kringle may not be crazy is that since the US Department of Treasury can put "In God We Trust" on US currency with no hard evidence, then the people of New York can believe in Santa Claus in the same way.

The "Hogfather" and Terry Pratchett

I wrote this essay because I recently read the "Hogfather" by Terry Pratchett, and he basically wrote the best argument for faith and belief that I've ever seen.

First, there's this dialogue exchange:

"There are many who say this... person does not exist," he said.

He must exist. How else could you so readily recognize his picture. And many are in correspondence with him.

Well, yes, of course, in a sense he exists..."

In a sense everything exists

But this one takes the cake. This dialogue is between Susan Sto Helit and her grandfather Death, the best character in the book mind you. This is after they save the Hogfather, the Discworld version of Santa.

Susan: Thank you. Now...tell me...

Death: WHAT WOULD HAVE HAPPENED IF YOU HADN'T SAVE HIM?

Susan: Yes! The sun would have risen just the same, yes?

Death: NO

Susan: Oh, come on. You can't expect me to believe that. It's an astronomical fact."

Death: THE SUN WOULD NOT HAVE RISEN

Susan: It's been a long night, Grandfather. I'm tired and I need a bath! I don't need silliness!

Death: THE SUN WOULD NOT HAVE RISEN

Susan: Really? Then what would have happened, pray?

Death: A MERE BALL OF FLAMING GAS WOULD HAVE ILLUMINATED THE WORLD.

Susan: All right, I'm not stupid. You're saying humans need...fantasies to make life bearable.

Death: REALLY? AS IF IT WAS SOME KIND OF PINK PILL? NO. HUMANS NEED FANTASY TO BE HUMAN. TO BE THE PLACE WHERE THE FALLING ANGEL MEETS THE RISING APE.

Susan: Tooth fairies? Hogfathers? Little—

Death: YES. AS PRACTICE. YOU HAVE TO START OUT LEARNING TO BELIEVE THE LITTLE LIES.

Susan: So we can believe the big ones?

Death: YES. JUSTICE. MERCY. DUTY. THAT SORT OF THING.

Susan: They're not the same at all!

Death: YOU THINK SO? THEN TAKE THE UNIVERSE AND GRIND IT DOWN TO THE FINEST POWDER AND SIEVE IT THROUGH THE FINEST SIEVE AND THEN SHOW ME ONE ATOM OF JUSTICE, ONE MOLECULE OF MERCY. AND YET YOU ACT AS IF THERE IS SOME...SOME RIGHTNESS IN THE UNIVERSE BY WHICH IT MAY BE JUDGED.

Susan: Yes. But people have got to believe that, or what's the point—

Death: MY POINT EXACTLY.

And it continues...

Death: THERE IS A PLACE WHERE TWO GALAXIES HAVE BEEN COLLIDING FOR A MILLION YEARS. DON'T TRY TO TELL ME THAT'S RIGHT.

Susan: Yes, but people don't think about that. Somewhere there was a bad...

Death: CORRECT. STARS EXPLODE, WORLDS COLLIDE, THERE'S HARDLY ANYWHERE IN THE UNIVERSE WHERE HUMANS CAN LIVE WITHOUT BEING FROZEN OR FRIED, AND YET YOU BELIEVE A BED. IT IS THE MOST TALENT."

Susan: Talent?

Death: OH, YES. A VERY SPECIAL KIND OF STUPIDITY. YOU THINK THE UNIVERSE IS INSIDE YOUR HEADS.

Susan: You make us sound mad. A nice warm bed...

Death: NO. YOU NEED TO BELIEVE IN THINGS THAT AREN'T TRUE. HOW ELSE CAN THEY BECOME?

Belief makes us human

It doesn't matter which religion is the true one because no one is. At the same time, all of them are.

Religion is about humans in the past finding patterns in the chaotic world, and trying to survive through it. By believing there's a order in the world, they were able to bring order to their communities and to their personal lives.

Belief is part of our nature. It's our way of understanding the world, of making sense of it all.

These characters and stories in a sense are very much real. They are metaphors for the forces we struggle with in our daily lives, the eternal hardship that is to be human

They don't have to be absolutely real to mean something. Think about your favorite character. They aren't real, but what they represent, best, what they represent to you, this is very real.

Listen, I not advocating for complete abandonment of logic and reality. Today we have a very serious problem with people who completely disregard facts and cults. They consume fake news, they believe in stupid pseudo-science and by refusing critical thinking they put others into danger.

And then there are the Christian fundamentalists, that by all talk about "Religious Freedoms", they really meat forcing their belief system in others and control what people can or cannot believe.

Facts and logic are very important. Always believe in the Science. And, I can stress this enough, Critical Thinking is ESSENTIAL to escape con artists and charismatic cult leaders.

But you can force people to live by only what it can be proved. We aren't robots. There will always be a hole that rationality alone won't be able fill. A deep existential hole that If left unchecked will destroy you bit by bit.

I'm not saying "You need to convert" or "You need religion". But there's clearly something way deep and transcendental in these rituals and stories.

I don't really believe in God and the supernatural. I say that as a gay men who had a lot issues with my overly religious parents. But the gods and these rituals and stories clearly mean something, and I think we shouldn't dismiss the living experiences of these people as just mere superstitions, be then christians, muslins, jews, Wiccans, neopagans, hindus, etc.

Belief certainly brought something to their lives, and certainly they know something we don't.

If your faith makes you happy, if it helps you bring order to your life, if helps you appreciate the world better, if it doesn't force you to discriminate, your faith is completely and integrally valid, and you don't have to prove it to anyone

[queerprayers]

Sorry if this is a little weird ask, but how do you know which church is the right one for you? The one i was brought up in kinda told me a lot of mean propaganda towards all others:(

Thanks for being patient! This is not weird at all and I think it’s something a lot of people struggle with. I grew up Lutheran, and currently I’m pretty comfortable in my denomination, so I don’t have too much experience with this query, but I’ll answer as best I can! Followers, feel free to reply to this with your own experiences/advice. This is a lot of text, so I apologize ahead of time.

normal disclaimer: I do not have a degree and I am not ordained. I’m young and I don’t know everything and I’m not right all the time. I do think about a lot of things and write about a lot of things and I like to help people, so that’s what I bring to the table. 

First of all, I’m so sorry that the church you were brought up in fostered negative feelings in you toward other Christian communities. It’s very common but, I believe, ultimately harmful. We all worship the same God and we have much more in common than we think. But still, it’s important to so many of us to have somewhere that feels like home. So here are some (a lot of) thoughts:

There are so many Christian denominations and so much history and tradition within each of them that it can get very confusing! It’s a journey, and there isn’t a right answer. It depends on who you are, but the journey can/should include research, reading, prayer, exploration, and trust in yourself and God.

On a very basic level, there’s the question of what each denomination believes specifically and whether you agree with them. This sounds simple on paper but gets complicated. There probably isn’t a denomination you 100% agree with on paper, and congregations and preachers within the denomination will vary in their beliefs and teachings. A denomination is more of an umbrella of beliefs with history and tradition than one specific teaching, in my experience. There’s a lot of internet quizzes about which denomination lines up with your beliefs (I enjoyed this one), but maybe think a little bit more than that :) Most people generally want to belong to the denomination that most closely aligns with their beliefs, which makes sense - but it’s not just about a checklist of beliefs, that’s just a place to start. 

Most denominations will have a website with descriptions of beliefs and traditions, and books of prayers/services that they traditionally use. I would suggest getting comfortable with a denomination’s organization and its prayers, history, services, and traditions. Read the Wikipedia page, at least! You’ll learn a lot about Christian history, as well. 

Do some introspective thinking on your own beliefs and ask God for guidance. Some denominations will believe things/agree with things that you may not have even heard of or ever thought about! The debate on infant baptism might be super important to you, or it might be the absolute last thing on your mind - and that’s okay! Think about what things are important to you - women in leadership positions? diversity? official LGBT+ acceptance? beliefs about communion? intercession of saints?

Besides beliefs, think about the other things that are associated with a denomination: music, art, liturgy, holidays, history, traditions. Is congregational singing important to you? Do you feel a connection to the music or art of a certain tradition? Do you feel a connection with the history/origin or leaders/figures of the denomination? Sometimes with these things you go with your gut more than your intellect and theology. 

My denominational experience is mostly with Catholic and Protestant churches, and this answer will be influenced by that, but some denominations/traditions are a completely different lifestyle/tradition than these. Obviously be wary of cults (and cult-ish denominations - I don’t want to offend anyone though...), but there are many communities/traditions that are more separate, strict, or specific that you could look into!

Speaking of cult-ish things, check out the tradition’s history with social issues, money, etc. I would stay away from any for-profit church and look into the organization’s past and present with racial issues and diversity.

Another option are non-denominational churches, which seem to be growing in popularity. They’re usually Protestant/evangelical-ish and very vague about their beliefs (on purpose, for better or worse). I’m not particularly a fan of them - I prefer a stronger connection to specific beliefs and traditions, but some people love them!

Here is an overview from the HRC (USA-centered) about different religious groups and their stances/history with LGBT+ rights, for consideration! I personally believe that you can belong to a church that doesn’t officially accept LGBT+ people and still be an ally, especially because individual congregations will always differ with that, but some people don’t and will never feel comfortable with that, and that’s okay! 

Besides theoretical research and prayer/thought, I would say an important part of this journey is to participate in worship with a congregation! Reading about a religious group on paper and worshipping with them are very different experiences, and the physical act of worship and community can matter most of all. I wrote a little bit here about being a Christian and not going to church/being part of a community.

Obviously, right now, because of the pandemic (depending on what country you’re in), many churches are closed and gatherings are discouraged. This is a hard time to be visiting churches and engaging with communities, but there are options. As I mentioned above, you can use prayers and practices associated with different traditions in your own life and see how they fit in. Are they comfortable/meaningful? What kind of emotions do they bring up? Follow faith leaders from different traditions online! (I would suggest doing this anyway, even if you’re not questioning your tradition - it’s just a good practice.) 

Besides that, you can definitely do some research and find online/recorded services from different churches and watch those. Of course it’s not the same, but it could still give you a feel for the church, and if it’s a local congregation, you could even visit them later if you’re interested. Especially when you can be in a physical church again, how does the space make you feel? Can you find beauty and holiness in it? Do you like the service? Do you connect with the faith leaders? Can you be yourself there? Obviously if you don’t like the congregation/service, that might be a problem with that specific place rather than the tradition, but it’s still something to consider.

Once you’re closer to finding a place for yourself in a community, look into conversion and baptism practices! Some are more complicated than others, and you should get to know what you might be getting into!

Ultimately, is what you’re participating in bringing you closer to God and other people and helping you exist through your life as a loving Christian? If the answer is no, I would say you’re not in the right place.

Listen to yourself and your emotions, open your heart, all that good stuff. I wish you all the best in your journey and I hope I said something at least a tiny bit helpful. Praying for you and everyone who’s looking for a home in a congregation or denomination. We have a home with God no matter what. 

- johanna

[imuybemovoko]

My beliefs now

I set this blog up for a bunch of different purposes including conlangs/worldbuilding stuff, my writing, and my views on religion and maybe also politics. So far, mostly, I’ve ranted a lot about the beliefs I left behind. Now that I’ve let that particular sketchy brand of Christianity, now that I’ve discovered the ways it and my conservative family background were probably turning me into a fascist while I was still in all that, I figure I might as well try to hash out where I stand now. I’m around eleven months out from my deconversion, and a lot has already changed. I might try to attempt a before and after thing but there’s a lot to unpack about how I used to think and I’m not sure I’ve understood everything yet. I think I made the mistake of thinking that not very long before that repressed memory about “Sharon” and her Jonah display came crashing back in March. This is current to late July 2020 and may not include everything. 

So without any further ado, let’s talk background. First, some things I’ve already either mentioned or given more than enough evidence for. I used to be a Christian fundamentalist. (Clearly. I rant about it a lot.) I got into that because I was raised religious, then let myself fall right the fuck into what I’ll call “deep end lite” shortly before senior year in high school. Some local churches in my small town arranged a missions trip thing and the way I agreed to go along felt in the moment like surrendering to a voice that’s been speaking to me all along. In ...a way, it was. Just not the voice I thought. I’m pretty sure I didn’t want this god, at any point like ever, until that little part of me whispered that it would be easier to accept him. I have a megathread document that I’ve stored a lot of my “God stories” from my time as a Christian in. Unfortunately I didn’t remember many specific details of this experience to write down in there, but I did write a bit of a “life-story” thing that reminds me that, chronologically, that happened after a period of focused attempts by the church to indoctrinate me, some traumatic things my family did, social struggles, and feeling like an asshole because of things I’d done in the past. I remember having this growing sense over the previous year that I was approaching some kind of very dangerous breaking point, to the point where (trigger warning: mental instability, school shooter mention. Please either stop here or skip to where it says “in other words” in the next paragraph after this if that’s going to be an issue. It also keeps getting dark from there for a minute. Please, please tread with care if you need to. There is no shame at all if this becomes too much. Take care of yourself first and foremost.) 

when discussing how I came to accept the faith, I told some of my Christian friends that I felt like there was a scary chance of me becoming a school shooter. I think this may have been a post-hoc projection, but I can’t quite be sure of that. I was in a bad place for a bit there in high school. I had a wild temper and some sketchy intrusive thoughts.

In other words, it hit at a perfect moment of weakness. That’s how oppressive forms of spirituality function, it’s how hate groups function... it’s a massive shit cocktail and I found a pretty bad influence in the form of people who promote that whole “born again experience” thing in Christianity. I’d say I’m glad I missed out on being dragged into a fascist ideology this way, but uh... I’m no longer convinced I didn’t grow up around something like that. More later. 

From there I spiraled my way through my first attempts at college through the university’s chapter of the Chi Alpha campus ministry and, peripherally through that, Assemblies of God (holy shit those guys are wild), then through a local Baptist church (more peripherally) and Calvary Chapel (I was a worship guitarist here for like 18 months and helped with their youth ministry for almost as long) closer to home and a CRU chapter at my community college. With each passing year I slipped further and further into this weird shame-induced funk where I got like... addicted to Jesus and hated myself or something. It’s a bit hard to find words that don’t take multiple entire extra pages and I want to be concise, so I’ll simply call it “Jesus-flavored depression” for brevity and because that was enough of a genuinely bad time (and I’m still fucked up enough) that I might need some fairly serious therapy.

Near the end of 2018 I was reaching a breaking point, wondering why nothing ever seemed to change in my life from “sexual sin” (...which in my case literally consisted of being attracted to women and occasional self-pleasure, but they literally teach you to hate yourself for less than that in the spicier churches rip) to my direction in life to how trapped I felt by my family. I also started to have more questions about the violence in the Bible and some of the sketchier doctrines, and that was strongly reinforced by some of the things I saw in a creative writing class I took, including an atheist who shared a story of a profoundly negative experience involving being taught about hell at a very young age. All that led to the absolute disaster that was December 2018. It was my last semester at the community college I went to. Finals week was a fucking disaster, and the week before that too, and my grades were really good but at great cost. I won’t go into a ton of detail because 1. space concerns and 2. this time is still damn painful to discuss, but just know that I’m unconvinced I’d have survived that month without this song. (Yes, that’s Paramore. Shut up xD they’re still good.) I looped it for like three days straight and I think it was just enough to keep me going through what was the third time I had any suicidal kind of thoughts ever and by far the worst and longest period of it so far.

So the next several months (and I won’t go into a ton of detail about this, I intended this post more to describe my current position and I don’t wanna get too in the weeds with background) were a confusing period of questioning, starting with, of all things, my family dynamic. The spiral after the week before finals was ...considerably worsened by some comments my dad made, and between that and some experiences in the past that the creative writing class I took that fall reminded me of, I was exposed to a bit of a deeply toxic pattern. I might discuss that more deeply in another post, but for now suffice it to say that extensive youtube binges and some other research between about January and March told me the situation is probably adjacent to pathological narcissism in some way. I brought some of this up to the church I was attending at the time (a small town Calvary Chapel, if I haven’t mentioned that already) and their responses were ...inconsistent. Some people blamed me, some people said “oh dang your dad is abusive”, and some people took the “your parents are trying their best” tack. In retrospect I think that made me doubt if God’s messaging to these people could really be trusted. Then, in about April, the question of hell came up again. I was helping in the church’s budding youth ministry at the time and we had about four regular attendees between the ages of 12 and 18. There were about three weeks in a row when one of the other adults (I’ll call her Kelly for the purposes of not doxxing; also more on her later) talked at length about how unbelief leads to hell. I remembered that atheist from creative writing, made the connection to these four kids, and thought, “what the hell are we doing?” (Pun not intended but rather convenient.) I immediately backed down from my role in the youth ministry, citing other equally valid but less pressing reasons involving stress from the issues with my dad, and tried to go on with life. But the floodgates were open. 

In late May or early June, I was staring out a window one morning and suddenly a question crossed my mind unbidden: “Is God a narcissist?” I thought back to a relatively recent sermon by the associate pastor in which he explained that the purpose of the world was “for God’s glory”, to some apparent sudden flights of rage, and some other factors in the scriptures, and thought, “holy shit, I need to investigate this, because God is also very adjacent to narcissism.” It took a hot minute for the ball to really get rolling with that, but once it did... I came to a point by late June or early July where I delivered an ultimatum to God, something to the tune of “Ok, either show me how all these questions I have can be answered beyond a doubt or I’m done.” 

There was no answer. 

God was silent during this time, and the people in the church were shocked that I had the questions I did and either concerned or ...rather spicy. I joined an ex-Christian discord server to aid in a proper, thorough investigation. I aired my questions both there and on a Christian discord server. The Christian server was toxic as fuck and the ex-Christians started making a crazy amount of sense. I watched some videos from Cosmic Skeptic and TheraminTrees (most notably the latter’s deconversion story) for new perspectives and, by mid-August, had crashed out of the faith altogether.

So the last time I ever stepped into a church with the intent of attending service (I showed up after once in January of 2020 to kinda let them know and that went pretty badly lol) was about two weeks before I started college again in the fall. I burned all but one of my Bibles and a collection of gospel tracts I never did anything else with and stylized it like my limited understanding of what a satanic/pagan ritual looked like, complete with a chant in my conlang Aylaan for a more personal twist because of course, to feel edgy. (I did a lot of kind of weird shit to feel edgy; that’s one of two of them I’m sure I don’t regret.) And after that, things got ...ah, confusing?

Because of course when the linchpin of your understanding of the world gives way, everything becomes fucked for a hot minute. 

So the first thing that happened was a couple months of anxiety and confusion. I slowly started to deconstruct my inherited political views too. (More on that later.) Then I had this really beautiful interesting moment in late September where I walked past a tree on the way to a class and had a sudden realization that I didn’t have to force the tree into a Christian framework anymore, it was just a beautiful mass of green shit and cellulose. I could appreciate it in whatever way I felt was best. I damn near broke down crying in the bathroom before class, it hit me that hard. So that’s fun xD

Since then I’ve kinda gone through a bunch of funky phases with this, including a couple of months of fairly salty atheism. Along with that process, I started questioning my sexuality in December (more on that in another post in a minute lmao it’s a trip) and literally shredding my politics in the face of Trump being a crackhead in a dangerous position getting away with confirmed illegal shit, COVID-19 and the ...dehumanizing responses of corporations and their sponsored politicians, and then what I noticed about the deaths of Ahmaud Arbery and George Floyd and the fallout from that. (In a nutshell, holy FUCK there’s a huge problem and it’s messed up that people don’t see it.) At this point, I’m socially progressive and pretty left leaning. I don’t know what the hell to do about it or how either other than some of the tense discussions I’ve been having, but I’d like to work against racism and discrimination too. So that’s cool and a lot better than where I was... 

which... I regret deeply.

I don’t know exactly how to define my old political views, and they were marked by considerable cognitive dissonance. I’ll try to illustrate this as best I can but I don’t know what label I can use. Here goes. 

Cursed images aside, I think the best way to explain this is through some background, i.e. what my parents believe, because my beliefs were largely inherited. 

This might be majorly over-simplified and based on what I remember of my own pre-deconstruction views and what I hear them say lately. I’m doing my best, but take it with a grain of salt. Basically, it seems like they walk this weird line between constitutionalist and very authoritarian that I see a hell of a lot of in rural America. Kinda like the Republic party used to before they yeeted into Trump’s mindfuck wholeheartedly. They’re homophobic to a rather alarming degree (more on that in another post soon) and not ...overtly Christian-supremacist but you can tell that their ethics are dripping with it and they’re terrified of Islam and they’d like to legislate some aspects of Christian morality. They also support the second amendment, which is the one thing I still agree with them on that I’m aware of, but they take it to more of an extreme than I’m willing to. For further ...flavor, they also reject the premise that parts of our society are systemically racist (and maybe also the idea that such a thing is even possible because of course), subscribe to the “bootstrap theory” for everything they can think to apply it to, reject climate science, and have been extremely conspiratorial about COVID-19. Also they like making it out like everything is a Democrat conspiracy theory, compare the Democrats to Hitler and Stalin to a weird degree, have on at least one occasion called Fox Motherfucking News left-leaning, and think Alex Jones is wacky but sometimes raises valid points. 

So that’s, in a nutshell, a bit of a look at my past political views, except I think I was a bit more Christian-dominionist than them and I think I had moments of “...does this really make any sense?” for years before I crashed out of everything. The first domino was my Christianity, but once that fell, my entire approach to the world went some places. 

So ...yeah. Oof. I was sketchy as shit. Glad that’s changed. 

So uh... I’ve already mentioned a vague (read: as much detail as I feel confident providing) description of my political views now, but after all this bullshit let’s finally get to the other half of my titular current beliefs. This ...isn’t going to be easy to explain either, but I feel more confident going into more detail. Buckle up :^)

Alright. So except for a couple of months where I was like “there is no god reeee” half because I was sOmE hYpErInTeLlEcTuAl SkEpTiC and half because of trauma from the toxic flavor of Christianity I left and some shitty developments in both politics and my social circles (I’ll talk at some length about “Kelly” in a sec here I think), since leaving Christianity I’ve always been what I’ll call “hopeful agnostic” (I think I stole this term from Rhett and/or Link lol). In a nutshell, what that means to me is “there may or may not be a god, but I hope there is at least one and they’re nice, or like, at least some spiritual thing that has a good aspect that can help me”. I also dabble in shitty rituals where I burn dead plants and occasionally also hate literature like gospel tracts (and, that one time, a couple of bibles) and basically call on “anyone who is listening and gives a fuck, else the placebo effect” for whatever my goal is. Like... witchy-adjacent but I don’t think about it very much at this stage. I kind of enjoy it, and I think for one reason or another it can be good for my mental health, but I’m wary of any kind of commitment or even more serious experimentation, even as I hope to find something good, because ...trauma, and maybe even absent that a desire to not be wrong in a way that’s dangerous to anyone else again. So that’s fun :^)

So if you’ve made it this far through this weird bullshit, thanks, this story is kind of important to me xD and if you couldn’t, and you’re not reading this ending thingy because it got too dark or it pissed you off or something, that’s cool too and you’re beautiful and valid. Whoever you are, I hope you find whatever healing you need. :)

[dailyaudiobible]

11/24/2020 DAB Transcript

Ezekiel 47:1-48:35, 1 Peter 2:11-3:7, Psalms 119:49-64, Proverbs 28:12-13

Today is the 24th day of November welcome to the Daily Audio Bible I’m Brian it is a great joy and deep comfort to be here with you around the Global Campfire as we take the next step forward in the Scriptures and take the next step forward in the year and toward the end of the year. So, we are reading from the New International Version this week. We have been camped out in the book of Ezekiel in the Old Testament for a while now. Today we will reach its conclusion and finish the book of Ezekiel. We are also in the New Testament working our way through first Peter. And, so, we’ll continue that journey when we get there. We’re reading from the New International Version this week. Ezekiel chapters 47 and 48.

Commentary:

Okay. In first Peter today we’re seeing glimpses of how to face marginalization and being sidelined and even being persecuted, how to resist that by not being what is being said. In other words, people are being stereotyped. The way to resist that is to not be that, to not be the stereotype. So, Peter’s writing to people who have fled marginalization and persecution, who are trying to find a place of peace to live out their faith in harmony and they have run. They are all over the place. This is one of the primary ways that the gospel of Jesus Christ spread around the Roman Empire, the known world of the time. But, you know, if you move to an a new place, a new city and you’re trying to get established and get a job and find a place to live and…and then there's this stereotype that gets…that…you get labeled…you get labeled something, then it becomes really, really difficult to navigate. And if you're labeled, “you’re part of a strange religious sect. Like if you hear that about anybody, “oh…they’re…they’re…they're part of a strange religious sect,” well, we really don't have any information whatsoever to go on other than it sounds really bad and negative. And, so, the stereotype is there, and that person is looked at a certain way. And, so, followers of Jesus were considered untrustworthy. They were considered really, really strange, religiously. Like the observance of the Eucharist or communion was…was considered very weird, like a very weird ritual to people who had no experience with it. Basically, it's…it's like it's not a secret that here in the United States…this has been a year of…of unrest as special…especially racial unrest in the exploration of systemic racism and the implications. And one thing that...well it still goes on today…but was much more prevalent in previous generations would be the use of the N-word. A derogatory word used at African American, black people - a label, a stereotype, a word that can be used to marginalize. We have to remember that people, early followers of Jesus, they were perceived as coming out of Judaism. Jews had been marginalized and persecuted and had been labeled for a long time at this point, and that continues in the world until this very day. So, like in some places to be called a Jew, that’s a bigoted label, like that's not a good thing. So, for people following Jesus to be called Christ followers or disciples of the Rabbi, Jesus, or Christians, this is the same kind of labeling that's going on. So, in…in a lot of ways what Peter's writing in what we read today is, “don't be that. If you’re going to be slandered or mischaracterized or stereotyped, then don't be that. Rise above that. Live your life higher. Raise the bar. Be better than that.” So, we see him like, “submit to the local authorities, submit to the national authorities, submit to your employers. Like, live what you say. Live the faith that you claim. Live it because if you're living it, then you will rise above the stereotype and show that there actually is a better way of navigating humanity because of Jesus making that better way of being in this world visible by resisting the stereotypes, by not receiving the labels, by being better than the labels. And, so, I quote Peter here as he kind of concludes some of…of…of his encouragement. “How is it to your credit if you receive a beating for doing wrong and you endure the beating for doing wrong, but if you suffer for doing good and you endure it this is commendable before God. To this you were called, because Christ suffered for you, leaving you an example that you should follow in His steps.” And, so, that we’re on the same page, this is…Peter's not writing about things that might happen or that could happen or that may be on the distant horizon. He’s talking about…the letters written because these things are happening. And, so, he's counseling how to battle things that are happening and as it turns out it brilliantly, it's so perfect the way he turns the corner and helps us understand that these kinds of…kinds of marginalization's, these kinds of things even happen inside people's homes because maybe one spouse, here's the good news or maybe they both hear the good news, but one spouse believes, and the other one doesn't. And, so, I quote Peter again, “wives in the same way submit yourselves to your own husbands so that if any of them do not believe the word they may be won over without words, by the behavior of their wives,” right? Rising above the labeling. “They may be one over without words by the behavior of their wives when they see the purity and reverence of your lives. Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers.” Yikes! What's that doing their in a discussion about how to behave in the face of being marginalized? Isn't it in our homes between our spouse and ourselves that we really actually do have to work out our own salvation with fear and trembling? like isn't that the ground zero for however we might go out into the world and resist by not being what we've been stereotyped as? Like doesn’t that have to start at home? Is there any other way to live out what Peter is talking about if it's not there, present in our home? And when Peter says about “hindering your prayers”, he’s speaking to husbands here. That doesn't mean it doesn't apply to both spouses, but husbands may we pay attention. Our homes are places where we…if it's a bad day and things aren't going well and well-worn paths that lead to terrible arguments are being walked down, well we can we can marginalize each other and diminish each other and hurt one another and suppress the voices of each other more dominantly and more awfully inside the walls of our house than we ever would outside. So, for this to…for this whole conversation to land back at home is something we ought to pay very very close attention to. “Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers.”

Prayer:

Father we come into your presence. It would explain a lot. It would be like James saying, “how can you bless the Lord out of your mouth and curse your brothers and sisters who are made in His image out of the same mouth? Surely this isn’t right. Surely, this shouldn't be happening.” And, so, we are confronted with these things and once again you've landed some things in our lap that we cannot look away from. It won't help. And, so, we’re looking to you for guidance in the ways that we've marginalized each other beginning inside our homes and working outward from there. We read yesterday, “we are to be holy because you are holy”, which means we must rise above the stereotype. We must rise above being labeled. We must be the light of the world. And we have a ways to go, we confess. We are not where we should be, we confess. And it's easy enough to know that globally. It's easy enough to know that we are all part of something that has some work to do. Its way different when we understand inside of the four walls of our houses is where that work begins. Come Holy Spirit we need you now. We ask in the name of Jesus. Amen.

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And that's it for today. I’m Brian I love you and I'll be waiting for you here tomorrow.

Community Prayer and Praise:

Good morning Daily Audio Bible this is Diane Olive Braun and Jeff my husband is here with me. It’s so wonderful the two of us listening together. I want to share with you something really special to me. I have been repenting a lot and things I thought that were really special were not pleasing to the Lord, mostly that I wasn’t taking time alone with Him and just focusing on other things more important than Him and I’ve been repenting and…and taking quality time each day. And because I hadn’t been giving special time to the Lord I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t sleep at night. And, so, one night I told the Lord I was so tired because I couldn’t sleep. And I said Lord I’m going to try for 5 or 10 minutes to sleep and I put on Brian’s album, Heart and I said if I don’t fall asleep in five minutes I will get up and clean the house. And, so, I put on his album, Heart and I laid my head on my pillow and three hours later I woke up refreshed and renewed and inspired. Thank you, thank you, thank you DAB community and Brian. Shalom, shalom…

Hi DAB family this is CS from SC. A close friend of mine’s son was in an accident earlier this week. He was driving and with his passenger, I believe his girlfriend, was killed in the accident. He’s been charged with…my friend’s sons been charged with vehicular homicide and driving under the influence. They were both college students both in their early 20s. I would just ask prayer for her family. This young man has…has made some bad choices now. He…he’s always been such a good kid, but he’s made some really bad choices at this point and it’s ended up with some horrific consequences for his girlfriend’s family. So, I would just ask prayer first for her family, for comfort and peace. I don’t know how you get through something like this. I just…I can’t imagine but I would also ask prayer for his family for my friend, just to know how to work through all the challenges that they’re going to have now, the legal battles. And, of course, there’ll be some incarceration I’m sure. So, anyway I would…would just ask that you be in prayer for both families, that they can see God’s will and everything that’s going on and just be there to comfort everybody that’s involved in this situation. Thanks, and have an excellent…

Good afternoon new DAB family God bless you all. Woman who called in in regard to ovarian cancer and her husband suffering from MS, I am believing and thanking God but first and foremost first and foremost for your total healing from the inside out, that every molecular cell that’s in your body is going to be eradicated. I am thanking God for the children that you have that has been helping you fight this. I know that this has been hard for you, but I also know that God is a God delivers and I am believing in His might. Susan from Osceola, Osceola Florida you know the way you’re thanking God in the midst of you losing your son and you yet you’re thanking God for all of the small blessings. Sister I bless you in the name of Jesus. You know that the Lord is going to heal your son Keith. I am so grateful that it’s…you’re in the season with Keith, that you have become so much closer but I am believing that nothing is too hard for the Lord. God bless you. Running Desperately Staying Connected to Jesus. I totally get it. You know when you say that you felt strong when you connected to your DAB family and when you disconnect that you seem weaker. I totally get that. That’s how I felt. You know in my dark seasons you know I felt like Moses you know without with Aaron and Joshua. I totally get it. God bless you. We are still praying for you and I’m praying and believing in your victory. Michaela from Gloucester. Beautiful beautiful song. You know how you’re meeting us in our darkness. That’s exactly what the Lord does. He meets us in our darkness. But I am telling you sister in the name of Jesus I am believing that the Lord will give us the strength to face our tomorrows and to do what’s in front of us because that is the God we serve. And knowing the name of Jesus He is gonna do the same for you in Jesus’ name. I love you. Esther from Orlando.

Thank you God for giving me everything I asked you freed me from my demons and my true self’s now unmasked time is running short now as they say this too shall pass I pray and thank you constantly and there’s not much that I ask the relationship that I have with you I pray will always last last is first and first is last a simple little verse but some men go from good to bad and some from bad to worse help me just be patient God and follow where you lead help me not be selfish Lord and consumed with pride and greed wherever two are gathered I know that you’ll be there keep my mind’s eye simple God and strip my ego bare make me in your image God I’m flesh but still I’m clay fill me with your spirit Lord and renew my strength each day one and one are usually two but you and I are one finish God the work in me you clearly have begun

blindtony1016@gmail.com. I’d like to give a shout out to Terry the Truck Driver and also Melisa. I hope you’re still hanging in there. Know that you are both in my prayers every day and very much loved and thought of and missed. And once again Brian and the Hardin family thank you for this wonderful podcast for God’s Holy Spirit flow keep it flowing y’all. All right. Bye-bye.

Hello, my dear DAB family this is Terry the Trucker calling this evening. It’s Saturday, November the 21st. Today we had a eulogy for my wife’s aunt Marilyn that passed away a few weeks ago just suddenly. It was not expected. This is also the birthday of my oldest stepson Mikey. Died in a car wreck at the age of 14. This is also the day that my wife when we left the church, she told me she had chills that she had a fever and wasn’t feeling right. We took her into the hospital. They tested her for the flu and been with my wife of 32 years. I’ve only known her to be sick one time out of 32 years and they suspect it’s the virus. I just ask you all to pray for my wife for my family and myself. I’m spending the night in my truck less than a block from the house. So, I know I’ve been exposed to her but why take the chance of spending the night if maybe I don’t have it. We’ll know in a couple days if she has the virus for sure but I ask you all to pray for me and I continue to pray for each and every one of y’all as I drive up and down these highways. Terry the Trucker.

[tshepiso-reads-books]

Prepare For a Rant | Lair of Dreams by Libba Bray

Started: February 10th, 2020

Finished: February 14th, 2020

I have a lot of thoughts about Lair of Dreams [Goodreads] and most of them are negative. It took me what felt like several lightyears to finish this book and the reading experience sapped the joy of reading out of me for a while. This is going to be a long one folks, so buckle in. Before we jump into things I’d like to warn that this is going to be a spoilerific review so heed my warning before you jump in.

Lair of Dreams takes place shortly after the events of the first book in this series The Diviners. The city is on the cusp of an all-out outbreak as more and more cases of Sleeping Sickness, a mysterious illness that causes the afflicted to fall asleep and never wake up again, are cropping up in Chinatown. While the gang goes on wildly different adventures in this book they all ultimately come together to solve the mystery of the sleeping sickness.

On Character

My biggest problem with this book is the characters. They’re selfish, self-centered, naïve and don’t understand that actions hurt others. This is most evident in Evie, but every character in the book has moments of this scattered throughout the novel. However,  I feel uncomfortable throwing this fact as a criticism of the book because all of these characteristics are fundamental character traits of teenagers and I find it obtuse to criticize a young adult novel for accurately writing teenaged protagonists. But I can’t divorce this understanding from how absolutely infuriating I found so many moments in this book.

I will say just because our protagonists, and especially Evie, were annoying doesn’t mean they didn’t have depth. Libba Bray is a good writer and fully fleshed out every character in this book mellowing some of my frustrations with them. The perfect example of this is Sam Lloyd. The bad boy character archetype has been done to death in YA, but Sam stands apart from the crowd of tousled haired edge-lords by having a tragic backstory with legitimate weight to it. His search for his mother never felt like an afterthought or quirk. I genuinely felt his deep desire to find the truth and it made him well rounded. The same could be said about all the other characters in the story.

Evie was the only character I truly hated while reading this book. I understand the reason why Evie is the way she is and how her past influenced her bad behavior. But understanding that her PTSD and trauma are the cause of her actions was never enough to get me to sympathize with her. Every single character in this book has been through just as much if not more than she has and they never went as far as to abandon and betray their friends as consistently as Evie did. I could never get behind Evie, her selfishness went above and beyond teenaged immaturity and her inability to own up to her mistakes and change angered me.

Now on to Jericho Jones, my second least favorite character in this book. I genuinely liked Jericho in The Diviners, but his behavior in this book was appalling. I will admit he had the misfortune of falling into one of my least favorite tropes out there: “The Monster Inside Me“ [TV Tropes]. However, his particular brand of self-loathing went further than that. At the end of The Diviners Jericho was rejected by Evie causing a cycle of self-pity that verged on incel behavior. His constant monologuing about how “girls just don’t like guys him” was eye-roll inducing and his hurry to lash out at others because a girl he liked rejected him was gross. His actions depict a man who sees Evie as a prize rather than a human being.

Another problem I had with this book is how central protagonists from The Diviners were sidelined in the novel. It’s almost impossible in a reasonably sized book to follow eight different characters and give them all their due. The characters I feel most negatively effected by Bray’s shift in focus to new POVs were Memphis, Theta and Mabel. It would take over 500 more words to deep dive into my specific thoughts on each of their character arcs so in summation: these three were barely given anything to do and their character arcs didn’t move forward in any significant way. Mabel was given the harshest treatment of all because she had literally nothing to do in this book but pine after a guy who didn’t like her. No other character conflict she had from the previous book in this series was even mentioned or explored.

On Romance

Possibly my least favorite element in this book was its romantic subplot. So much page time was dedicated to it that it could reasonably be dubbed the main plot So here’s the rundown:

Mabel likes Jericho, but Jericho likes Evie.

Evie thinks she likes Jericho but doesn’t want to date him because of girl code.

Evie fake dates Sam and they both start catching feelings.

Jericho goes out with Mabel even though he knows that Mabel likes him and he still has feelings for Evie.

This is the kind of conflict I hate in books. This love triangle was so convoluted and contrived. It did nothing but make me hate Evie and Jericho, and I found none of the romantic tension exciting because the dynamics explored were built on a foundation of miscommunication and lies of omission.

On Representation

While I was pleasantly surprised by the anti-racism in The Diviners I was uncomfortable by the way some of the themes of diversity were explored in this book. In Lair of Dreams, we are introduced to Ling Chang a half Chinese girl with a recent case of infantile paralysis causing her to wear leg braces. She has a lot of self-hatred in regard to her disability. This trope while cliche wasn’t my problem, my problem was how this internal conflict is resolved. Another one of our protagonists, Henry, finds out about her disability and all her self loathing is resolved by him telling her she should love herself. This interaction is that it places Ling’s self-worth in the hands of an able-bodied person rather than focusing this her arc on self-acceptance. As an able-bodied person, I don’t want to cry ableism without shouting out actual disabled people’s voices on the matter so I would highly encourage you to seek out these voices. I’ve yet to encounter an ownvoices reviewer’s thought on Ling’s arc (believe me I looked) and this observation should in no way take away anything from disabled people who appreciated Bray’s writing.

There is so much that Bray does right when it comes to diversity and representation. I find her honest depictions of America’s ugly history timely and relevant and I admire her willingness to starkly show anti-semitism, homophobia, xenophobia, police brutality of the time. She clearly parallels America’s history with America’s present reminding you not so subtly that these toxic ideas still exist. I will warn readers that Bray graphically depicts racist imagery and I found the descriptive scenes of lynch mobs and the like very upsetting so be prepared for that.

One aspect of Bray’s depiction of American society I really liked was her pointed observation of the link between Evangelical Christianity and racism and xenophobia. I also liked how she depicted the ways people use American Exceptionalism (the idea that Americans are inherently superior to all others and that their position as a dominant world power is a God-given right rather than luck and historic subjugation) as a justification for bigotry and all detractors of this ideology is consistently labeled as anti-American by the people who benefit from bigotry.

On Everything Else

I will say Lair of Dreams was fairly well-plotted. Though the mystery element of this book very much felt like a subplot with the character conflicts taking center stage. While I didn’t find the sleeping sickness as outright terrifying as Naughty John in the first book Bray is good at building tension and suspense and the final climactic scene did get my heart racing. Bray’s ability to capture a creepy gothic atmosphere shines in this book and I loved her interlude chapters that showed brief snippets of our characters and the city itself.

Stars 🌟🌟🌟

I don’t know where I stand with this series. I found so much of the reading experience frustrating, but I am still invested in so many of the characters in the series and I would like to see how the final mystery unfolds. We’ll see if I continue on with the series because right now I don’t know.

[eldritchsurveys]

769.

How frequently are you inclined to read, and how much? >> I mean, very frequently, especially seeing as I include reading articles, blog posts, wiki pages/TVTropes pages, Reddit, comic books, magazines, etc as well as books. The written word is the written word, period. When was the last time you questioned the direction your life was taking? >> I don’t question the direction my life is taking. There’s really nothing to question. Would you say that your personal views align with society’s, generally? If not, in what ways do your opinions drastically differ? >> What part of society? Conservative, Christian, White America? No. Progressive working-class youth of colour? Yeah, I think there are a lot of similarities there. Not that I’m entirely satisfied with dividing society into two demographic binaries like that, but I figured it was the easiest way to answer the question without writing a fucking essay. What small things have the ability to get under your skin? >> Mostly sensory stuff, obviously. The vast majority of my seemingly-baseless irritation on any given day is because of some environmental noise or brightness that has been nagging at me.

When was the last time you were caused to be upset with someone? Have you made up with that individual yet, or will you ever? >> I don’t remember. But honestly, most situations in which I’m upset with someone never get resolved for me, so.

What is something small that has the ability to cure a bad mood? >> Eh, I don’t know. My bad moods don’t get “cured”, they just eventually get replaced by a different mood. It’s just a waiting game. What beverage is best capable of quenching your thirst? >> Water... What was the last big change through which you went? Do you deal well with change, typically? Have you always? >> The last big change was... I guess getting married? I don’t know, unless we want to count the pandemic, lol. I deal with change differently depending on the kind of change, the magnitude of the change, and what else is going on in my life when the change occurs. I’d say my “default” response to change is a pretty adaptable one, but I’m not always my “default” self, so. How do you feel after spending a great quantity of time online? >> Nothing. That’s just how my life is, it doesn’t strike me as remarkable. What do you consider to be the biggest drawback to being you? >> Oh, you know, all the shit I went through. What do you consider the best part of being who you are? >> The fact that I’m still here despite all the shit I went through. What kinds of things do you have on display in your room? >> I mean, there’s some art on the walls and stuff. I don’t know. What do you think your room and its contents say about you, if anything? >> I don’t know what my room says about me, I can’t see it from an outsider’s point of view and I’m way too familiar with it to look at it objectively like that. When was the last time you felt insecure about something/some situation? >> I got a gaming mouse (you know, with all the buttons on the side and shit) and that’s been learning-curve hell as I try to adjust to both the size and heaviness of the mouse as well as using the side buttons. All this, while playing a game I’m already insecure in my ability to play well. But, you know, it’s all a matter of time and effort, blah blah blah. What is something about which you are very confident or self-assured? >> I don’t know, I’ve not thought about it. Do you ever stop to contemplate infinity? >> Sometimes. Are you comfortable amongst nature, or does the wilderness discomfit you? >> I’m pretty comfortable, except when it comes to biomes I’m not used to. Like, I’m a little less comfortable in wetlands because I’m not as familiar with the wildlife in those locales -- like which things to avoid, that sort of thing. When was the last time someone or something caught you off guard? >> I got caught off-guard by a scene in The Neon Demon. It was a pleasant surprise, though... for me. Maybe not for most people, lol. How much time do you put into maintaining your appearance and hygiene? >> Like, hardly any? I have a very low-maintenance appearance. Are there any foods you eat daily? … Or wish you could? >> I eat a veggie burger pretty much daily. Except when I run out of one or more of the ingredients I use, and the store is out of it too (which happens a lot, lately, for obvious reasons). When was the last time someone new entered your life? What was your first impression of that individual? >> I don’t remember. Do you put much thought into your handwriting? >> Not really. It kind of just does what it does. What are some of the top priorities in your life right now? >> Just, you know. Mental health stuff. In general, how do you feel about romantic relationships? >> I don’t feel anything about romantic relationships, they generally don’t interest me unless they’re fictional (and even then I’m real particular about the tropes they use and how the relationship progresses). Which emotional sensation inconveniences or bothers you the most? >> Anxiety. Are you capable of consoling others in their grief? >> I don’t know, I’ve never tried it. Do you ever find it awkward to compliment another being? >> Sometimes, yeah. Like, you’re kind of going out on a limb when you offer a compliment, because you have no idea how it will be received. It’s really easy to psych yourself out of giving a compliment. When was the last time you had a new experience? What was it? >> Good question. Do you dress more for yourself, or to the expectations of others? >> I definitely dress for myself, although I always appreciate it when someone else appreciates my clothing. It’s just not mandatory, you know. What kinds of things tend to stress you out? >> Being post-traumatic and sensory-defensive. What is one way you cope when you feel like crap? >> Watching a tv show that feels like home. (That’s usually The X-Files, tbh.)

Name an insult you regularly receive, if there is one? >> I don’t regularly receive any insults, thank fucking christ. Name a site that takes up a lot of your time? >> Really, no one site takes up a lot of my time. What is something you used to believe about life that you no longer do? >> I used to believe in that all-American bootstraps philosophy (to my detriment and punishment, of course). What is a lesson you have recently learned? >> I’m not sure. Do you have a tendency to look on the morbid side of life? >> Absolutely. When was the last time you went shopping? What did you buy? >> The only in-person shopping I’ve done in the past two months is grocery shopping. When you shop for clothing, how long does it take you? >> Too damn long. I have too many particular needs, which is why I put off going clothes shopping for so long and then end up dissatisfied with the state of my wardrobe (especially when beloved items start to show signs of wear and tear and I can’t easily replace them). What is something fun you have done within the past week? >> Watched movies. What is something you hope you never have to do again? >> Go through a pandemic, lol. How does the rain affect your mood, if it does? >> It depends. If it’s just one rainy day and I’ve seen a lot of the Sun lately, I can enjoy it. Especially if it’s a thunderstorm, love those. If it’s rained (or been overcast) for like four days straight, then it affects my mood pretty negatively.

[oldsolidbooks]

I decided that I should, at least once in a while, do review books on here. It is a book blog, after all, and I originally intended to publish reviews on here. Certainly not each time I finish a book, but once in a while for sure. So that is that.

I want to review a book that I am very fond of - in fact, since I prefer not to dwell on disappointing reads (and usually not even finish them) most if not all books I review are books that I am fond of, but this book is particularly dear to me.

HIS golden locks Time hath to silver turn'd;   O Time too swift, O swiftness never ceasing! His youth 'gainst time and age hath ever spurn'd,   But spurn'd in vain; youth waneth by increasing: Beauty, strength, youth, are flowers but fading seen; Duty, faith, love, are roots, and ever green. His helmet now shall make a hive for bees;   And, lovers' sonnets turn'd to holy psalms, A man-at-arms must now serve on his knees,   And feed on prayers, which are Age his alms: But though from court to cottage he depart, His Saint is sure of his unspotted heart. And when he saddest sits in homely cell,   He'll teach his swains this carol for a song,— 'Blest be the hearts that wish my sovereign well,   Curst be the souls that think her any wrong.' Goddess, allow this aged man his right To be your beadsman now that was your knight.

— George Peele, A Farewell to Arms or The Old Knight

It is this poem that stars the book, and moves like a thread through the entire book. Knights and beadsmen, and poetry, are as ever-present as trees and rosemary. The last two lines - Goddess, allow this aged man his right // To be your beadsman now that was your knight. - are the very ground that the Manor house and village of Belmaray are built on.

First of all, I’d like to mention, that while this book is many things that I adore, it’s also many things that reviewers often tend to dislike: it values people over plot, it can be slow and quiet and very descriptive, there’s not much physical action or suspense in the traditional sense, it’s full of literary references, and imbued by Elizabeth Goudge’s very particular sort of spirituality, that’s often found to be too deeply based on nature by Christians, and too Christian by everyone else, but that’s just right for me, personally. And it doesn’t fit in a defined genre either.

It is, essentially, about people who are, over the course of the book, growing much happier than before. That is, I think, the most simple way to describe it, and the most truthful, too. I’ve seen descriptions and reviews that said it was about a particular character, but there is no true central character. It is told from many perspectives, without anyone taking the lead. It has been classified as a romance, but it is only so much a romance, as that romantic love is one of many aspects of it. It is very much a story about love - about human love, whether romantic or platonic or familial, about God’s love, of course, about the love people have for nature and animals, and for their home, and for themselves.

But what’s truly the core of the story is that a really small event can have the greatest effects on many people’s lives, and that it’s often the seemingly small things that truly matter. It’s that people can be sad without anything obviously being wrong about their lives, because they don’t understand each other, or themselves, and sometimes because they cannot really bring up the courage and decide to be happer than before. It’s about the great change a kind word can make, about the immense effect of pure determination to be good to others and to onself, the power of attitude. The gentle and monumental butterfly effect of human kindness.

And I love what a conscious thing kindness is in this book, and goodness and niceness is. I love how being friendly and nice is not portayed as a sort of natural talent or gift, but a deliberate skill that is worth exercising - and never too late to learn. And I like the distinction she makes - because in this book (and others of her’s) there’s two sorts of, let’s call it performative goodness - one that is false and dishonest, almost sinister, and one that is actually a sign of a longing to be and act good, and a way to achieve it. Being kind to people, even if you don’t exactly feel like it, is not akin to fake friendliness, it is as good and true as anything. Actual dishonest friendliness is not having an unfriendy word and then saying something nice - it’s saying something nice to a person’s face and then betraying them in some way. Being nasty does not necessarily make a person more authentic, it’s not a sign of one’s honesty. But on the other hand - even the kindest person is mean or unfriendly or nasty at times, and that’s alright too.

The reasons for unhappiness are often small - or they appear small - but all the more realistic, heartfelt, genuine. These characters are very much people, and their worries at times silly and yet having a frightful effect on their lives, often through years of growing inside their minds. On the other hand, deeper issues are very much a matter, mental illness and trauma never being glossed over, or ridiculed. It’s written and set in the 50s, so the horrors of the war have not yet grown distant, not to mention other difficulties of this, and the previous decades.

I’ve said it is a character driven book, and must add that I love these characters. I love that they are people, each and every one of them so delightfully human. And I love the way Elizabeth Goudge wrote children. Children, in adult novels, are so often reduced to props or plot devices, and her children are people, as characters in all ways equal to her adult characters. The oldest point of view characters in this book are in their eighties, the youngest is five years old, with others of all age groups in between them, and all of them are written with equal care and dedication. The characters’ ages do however, greatly affect the way they are written, and how they think and what they do, in good and bad - although Goudge fortunately refrained from assigning a particular age group a particular view or way of life.

It is also of note that all characters are beautifully flawed, and steadily grow over the course of the book, though not with leaving every flaw or fault behind. One character, sadly, chooses not to grow, and though there is no villain in this book (just as there is no hero) this particular character is an unconventional choice for the only truly negative character, although a very good and convincing one.

There is, it seems, a book for almost everything. That is, of course, a good thing. But it often seems to me, that although all sorts of great ideas and experiences, all big and visible and obvious things can be found in literature rather easily, it’s the quiet and small things that are truly hard to find, and even harder to look for. I certainly did not look for the things I found in this book, but I found them and I am glad I did. I often found that some emotions, some little human interactions, fragments of something that lies halway between feeling and thought, are in a way omitted from the majority of literature and other sorts of stories, that the larger things - even the unusual and controversial things - are not. I often wondered whether these things were so normal that nobody thought them worth mentioning, or so strange that nobody else felt them or, if they felt them, dared to write them down. It was a sort of relief to read, all of a sudden, of such little, yet significant things that were so familiar to me, and so unusual to read on a page. It went further even - at times I found myself reading what I had felt myself, but never knew how to put into words. I’ve had this sort of experience with other books - and it’s one of the most beautiful things that can happen while reading a book - but throughout this one in particular, and it was at times rather confusing, even unsettling for a moment, but in the end always comforting.

Or to quote C. S. Lewis:  “A book sometimes crosses ones path which is so like the sound of ones native language in a strange country that it feels almost uncivil not to wave some kind of flag in answer.”

It’s that sort of book for me.

The Rosemary Tree is a Spring book. The air of the cold, sweet Spring, the sunlight and the morning dew, and smell of all things green and growing are what carries the story. The birdsong, most of all. It is a book about change, change for the better, even though not always in the originally desired way. Goudge’s gorgeous descriptions of nature and the changes it goes through in the Spring months work perfectly well with the developments in the characters lives. Birds, and trees, and flowers - everywhere, so vivid and colourful that the book could nearly burst, yet so gentle and elegant that, in the end, it won’t. Her prose is gorgeous, but never purple, though maybe a slight shade of lavender. That’s because her writing can be sweet, but never in a sticky, draining way. It’s fresh, full of cold morning air and the smell of herbs.

And of course, there’s one thing you can always rely on with Ms Goudge - there are always dogs.

[wolfpawn]

Once Bitten Twice Shy, Chapter 14

Previous Chapter

Chapter Summary -  after the awkward discussion on Paige's doorstep, she and Tom talk very little, until Tom has to ask another request of her.

Tag, @wolfsmom1 @sweetkingdomstarlight-blog @nonsensicalobsessions @damalseer   @standing-onthe-edge @hiddlesbitch1

anyone else who wishes to be added to the tags, just ask :)

Paige looked at the computer screen in front of her. The story from the male perspective still frozen by her inability to get past her plot issue. It frustrated her no end. She knew where she wanted it to go, she knew where it would end but not how to get there. She had set it aside, knowing no good could come from trying to force it. She had several stories on her computer drive that would never be completed as a result of over-forcing herself and she had deleted several more concepts through the years because of trying to force herself through only to feel it was rubbish after it all and that it would be best to simply get rid of them.

Feeling downtrodden, not just from that but because of Tom’s revelation that he was heading to New York for a few months, she didn’t want it to end, more than once since she cried behind her front door, she felt a terrible pang in her stomach and felt her eyes well up when she thought of it ending. How was this sensation possible? She had been with Derek for three years, he made her smile, laugh and though he stated after that she was boring, she had thought the sex, though slightly less frequent than she would have liked, was good, but Tom...Tom was an entirely different, he made her smile even when she was not in his presence. The mere thought of him caused her to feel better about herself and when they spoke, she felt there was something deeper to their conversations, not that he simply comprehended the words she said, but that he fully understood everything she was saying with regards to a topic, he saw her point of view as she saw it, even when they had differing opinions. That was something else, he didn’t dismiss her opinion when it differed from his, he spoke to her further on the topic. Derek was not like that. She also thought back to the night that created the situation they were in. The night she stayed in his and they had sex. She wasn’t going to lie, it was better than with Derek, a lot better. He knew more with regards how to tend to a partner’s wants but that was indicative of his entire personality. Tom was a more considerate person in general.

She had fallen for him, now it was over. She would lose the chance to be around someone so incredible. So many times through the experience where he acted the part of loving significant other and it made her feel incredible. She knew that she would miss it terribly, but it also taught her that should she be fortunate to have a chance of happiness again, what she should want from such. The little voice in her head told her that she wanted it with Tom, but she had to ignore it. She could not have him, he was merely trying to prevent further ridicule, something she could understand, since, after his remarks on his reputation as a result of a particular summer with a particular singer, she decided to look at it and realised just how horrible people were being with regards to him.

For a time, she mulled over her thoughts before her mind came to something. Her computer screen was dark in front of her as a result of her in activity on it, but with one flick of her wrist across the mouse pad, it came to life again and the blank document page was in front of her. She brought the computer closer to her, she pressed on the private document option and began to write. Not a story, not a plot, merely her thoughts regarding the actor she had been acting with for the past few weeks and how he stole her heart.

*

Tom went through the day as he always did. Up, tend to himself and Bobby, organise his food for work, deal with the few calls and emails he needed, check his mail for anything important and then go to the Pinter. Work on the play, speak with people regarding it there, do the play, see some fans, rest and eat, do the play again, see more people, home, decompress and bed. Only these days, it didn’t seem as pleasant. There was a reason for that, he had said nothing to Paige in three days. It had been three days since he informed her that he would be going to New York for a stretch and since then, she had avoided him like the plague. No calls, no texts, nothing. She had asked how they would deal with people seeing them part ways. She had wanted it all to end and with the manner in which she was harassed, by a radio host, by the photographers when she was getting sorted for her brother’s wedding, even by some that called themselves his fans on social media, he could not blame her for wanting to get away from it all. He only wished she did not want to get away from him.

Bringing Bobby out to the bathroom one last time before he had to go to the Pinter, Tom felt his mood remain somewhat sombre as he did so. Bobby, for his part, noticed his owner be less joyful than usual. When he was done, he waited for his car to the Pinter. As soon as it arrived, he called Bobby to him and went out, hoping the day would not remain so down.

Between the two shows, as he dealt with Bobby’s toilet needs, he looked at his phone. The sensation that filled his gut did not skip his attention. Seeing Paige’s name was one thing, he was terrified of its content. Clicking on it, he hoped it would not be negative.

Hey, I hope you are doing okay, I haven’t heard from you in a few days and thought rather than waiting, I would be better off messaging you myself.

He looked at the words on the screen. It was Paige in every aspect. Rather than wondering something, she came right out and asked it. He liked that confidence, her ability to not shy away from things.

Hello, I’m doing fine, thank you, I thought you were working through the book so I thought it best not to disturb you.

Sadly the book is shelved for now. I fear it and I may part permanently.

I thought you liked it?

I do, sadly, my brain doesn’t. Or at least this part. Anyway, I said I would say hello and check you were still going well. Bye.

Tom looked sadly at the screen. Though she was the one to initiate the messaging, her sudden change to cutting the conversation again was indicative of her not wanting to talk too much. He contemplated leaving her without a reply but thought it too rude, so instead, he typed one out.

You’re an incredible writer, you will get through it. I am always here if you want to talk or throw ideas at, I love to help if I can if only to talk to you.

He looked at it for a moment before thinking better of it, so he went to erase the second half of it. He went to press the button when Boby pulled on the lead, causing him to grip the phone tighter in case it fell, and much to his shock, having him press the “send” button instead of erase.

Cursing to himself, he looked at the words on the screen. It was sent and there was nothing he could do with regard to it.

He was unsurprised to get nothing back. He thought to apologise for saying it but then thought it would add to everything, so he did nothing.

*

When the final day of the play in London came, so too did his father. Unlike Diana, who had met Paige several times throughout the few months, she had never met his father. James Hiddleston was not like his ex-wife. Diana was far more outgoing, James was stoic in every manner. He feared to even mention Paige in his presence. But with the final show and his coming into London for it, he made the demand to Tom that he finally meet this girl he was after hearing about.

It had been a few days since their last few texts and technically, the lie was still in effect of them being together, so Tom thought of how to word it as he went to Paige’s name in his phonebook. Christian had informed him of how sales were projected for the US, and it was looking good. Luke was stating that he would be expected to bring Paige with him to an event in the following fortnight, he had informed Oscar of it also, who agreed it was a good idea for them to go together as Paige had received an invite also. With some juggling, it would be easily arranged, but that would all come after today, the day she would have to act his partner once more, in front of a man he never wished to lie to, if only to not have to deal with his ire were he to find out. Diana and his sisters would be disappointed and hurt were they to find out the truth, James would be livid. Since he was a boy, his father taught him that lying was unacceptable and this would be no exception. His want to save face would not be an acceptable answer to his father.

He pressed dial and waited.

“Hello?” Paige seemed slightly unsure on the other end of the phone. “Tom?” “Hello, Paige, is this a bad time?” “No, sorry, I just...I wasn’t expecting you to call. How are you?”

He could hear the apprehension in her voice, as though in truth, she was not overly interested in speaking with him. “Good, yes. It’s the final day of the play today.”

“I bet you are looking forward to a good sleep in tomorrow.”

He could hear her smile, a genuine one, in the way she spoke. Immediately, one came to his face as well. “In all honesty, yes, I am looking forward to it but I won’t get it tomorrow, I have to deal with a few things then.” “I bet. So, what’s up?”

He wondered if she simply wanted to be rid of him again by the manner she got to the point, yet he knew it was a mannerism of hers, not beating around the bush. “I need to ask something of you?” “With everything you asked so far and the way you’re talking now, I feel I should be worried. What is it, surrogacy, a kidney?”

He could only laugh at her apprehension, fully understanding her reasoning for such. “My father is coming to the play today, he is asking to meet you and Luke was saying about the get together in a couple of weeks, apparently Oscar mentioned something on it to you already?”

There was silence on the phone for a moment. “Okay.”

“Okay?”

“Well, I assume you are asking me to meet your father, I said okay. Where and what time?” Tom felt apprehensive, he could tell there was almost a sadness in her tone. “If you’re busy…” “Tom, if I tell you I will be there, then I will. Where and what time?” “Seven, outside the Pinter.” “Then I will see you then. I don’t have a ticket for tonight though, is that an issue?” “No, I will have one for you. I had gotten one for my dad and whatnot so I can get you one for next to him.” “Fine. Text me the details I should know that we never spoke about and I will see you then.” “Thank you. He will insist on dinner tomorrow also.” “I won’t be available tomorrow. I promised Nicola I would look after Alannah, she has a date with a guy she really likes and who is good to Alannah so I am not going to cancel, she deserves this. I can do lunch, though?”

“That is very fair. We will discuss it more later, but I will suggest accordingly to my father.” “I guess I’ll see you later so.”

Tom waited for the line to go dead immediately after, but it didn’t, the awkward moment of neither of them saying anything continued and in caused him to smile. “Bye, Paige.” “Bye, Tom.”

Again the odd silence came before he was called by the set hand to say there was a meeting on stage for warm-up. “I better go.” He was the one to have to hang up, but that moment of apprehension, to have that again felt somehow right, like they were as they had been before, not wanting to say goodbye. Looking at the phone for a moment, he thought over what the evening would entail and readied himself for his final performance in the Pinter before he would have to prepare for the other big role he was in at the moment, pretending not to be in love with the woman he was currently pretending was his significant other.

*

Tom stood, mouth agape at what he was witnessing. His father, though a stoic man, was not without a sense of humour, though he possessed a dry wit, yet here he was in constant laughter with Paige speaking with him the entire time with a large smile on her face.

He could not understand how his parents who were always very reserved around the women he brought home, what few he did over the years, who would take a considerable time to warm to any woman he was interested in, adored Paige within moments of being in her company. He knew the appeal due to knowing her, but his father, who always looked at everyone with a healthy level of disinterest, adored her. He spoke to her like he had known her all of her life, like some neighbours daughter or a niece or something, he was not acting as though she was his son’s partner, at least not how Tom recalled his father acting with women he introduced him to before.

When his driver brought Paige home, she bid farewell to his father and stepmother before Tom walked her to her door.

The evening had been incredibly pleasant. There was no sadness, no peculiar silences, merely laughter and smiles for the most part. The week of minimal contact seemed all the more horrid now that they spent the evening talking again. To think of not speaking to her all the time seemed unnatural.

“Thank you, for this evening,” Tom stated as he stood facing her.

“Thank you for inviting me. Your father is a wonderful man. He has a great sense of humour. My parents would love him.”

“My father never is like that outside of people he knows well,” Tom admitted.

“So why was he so jovial with me?” “I think, like Mum, he genuinely likes you.”

Paige a slight scoff. “Who were you bringing home before, junkies? Your parents don’t hold your choices in high esteem do they?”

“I am their only son, the only Hiddleston left to carry the name. My sisters married and their children carry their husbands’ names, if I ever have children, I carry the pressure of the name with it.” “No pressure then.”

“No, I want to be a father, when the time is right. But the potential partner thing has always been a stickler for them, especially since Thor.” “They don’t want you taken to the cleaners by some golddigger, that’s understandable.” “Yes, but it means they are wary of everyone, except you.” “Well, I am fabulous.” She smiled jokingly.

“You are,” Tom agreed, though there was no humour in his statement, he meant it seriously. “I better go and bring my Dad home.”

“Do. I guess we better talk tomorrow so, half twelve at Giovanni’s, right?”

“Right.” He stepped up to her to kiss her cheek. In her confusion at his actions, Paige moved her head to face him as he did so, causing their lips to meet, only for a moment. When Tom pulled back, having realised his error, he looked at her for a moment to see her reaction. Though she looked startled, he could see it was not repulsion in her features. “I better go.” “Yes. Bye.” She barely whispered back but as he walked back to the car, she waved at his father as she did. As soon as the car drove off, she walked inside, trying and failing to quell the sensation in her stomach as a result of the kiss. It had been an accident, but she could not help but not feel sorry for it, she wished to do it more, as much as she wished she didn’t.

*

When Tom got back into the car, he said nothing as he thought of Paige’s lips against his. His entire body felt as though every nerve ending in his body was on fire. Putting on his seatbelt, he said nothing and gave the nod to the driver to continue to his home, where his father would be staying.

“Well, finally. I was getting worried you would never pull your socks up and get a good woman for yourself. She is a fine young lady.” Jame declared.

“She is a lovely woman.” His wife agreed. “Very well suited to you Thomas, no wonder you are so good together.”

Tom nodded, not sure what to say, knowing he could not tell them the truth but like with his mother, disheartened they thought such of a woman that sadly was not truly his. “She is incredible.”

“I think you finally found the one for you, son, I truly do.”

Tom could not respond to his father’s words.