#i could write a fucking book about these gay little swedes

[capricious-soldes]

the most gutwrenching part of this season is how disgustingly accurate the writing of simon and wille's fights have been

in ep 5 when wille finally snapped, i have BEEN in the exact seat simon was in

watching the person you love and adore, the person you feel safest with, lose their grip and start spiralling is the worst kind of fear you can have

and even before that, when wille told him about erik and simon couldnt say anything that wouldnt make wille upset

i get it. i get why simon wants to give up. its scary and so fucking hard loving someone that isnt completely stable, someone that has triggers they dont know they have. loving someone that cant handle their emotions or their trauma...its scary and its painful and traumatizing in and of itself.

thats something that adults can deal with, and only when they know how to.

i love them, and i know they love each other, but sometimes a relationship is just too mature for children. they arent equipped to handle any of this ESPECIALLY when every. single. adult. in their lives has failed them. REPEATEDLY.

i wont be upset if they break up ammicably in ep 6. i think sometimes two people cant be together if they arent ready. love cant fix a person.

[unibrowzz]

My 2020 reviews

All the cool kids were doing these so now I finally dragged my ass into doing them too lmao. 

Albania- Fall from the Sky

A song I swear cursed this whole contest from the moment it won Festivali i Këngës. Like with the shitshow this song caused I just knew the whole year was fucked. With half the fandom whining they didn’t get their first club song of the year to the other half smugly shoving it as their winner despite no other songs being around to compare it to, the whole fiasco just left me knowing that 2020 would end in tears, just hopefully not my own. As for the song, it’s lame. It’s a standard ballad with OBSCENE amounts of autotune, which is weird because the girl can actually sing pretty decently without it, so why they decided to make her sound like a damn computer is beyond me. And WHY did they translate it, haven't the past few years proven that Albania's better off leaving their songs in Albanian? 

Armenia- Chains on You

A bootleg Ariana Grande song, and a really shit one at that. The kind of song only people who think being young, gay and mean counts as having a personality would say is good.

Australia- Don’t Break Me

One of the few decent Australian entries (but that REALLY isn’t saying much coming from me, I barely care they’re in the contest by this point) but marred by a horribly untidy performance and lacklustre lyrics. At least it’s not fucking pop-opera, that’s all I can say. I’d rather listen to the sound of my face being dragged down the runway at Heathrow airport than be subjected to another Zero Gravity.

Austria- Alive

One of those pseudo-jazz dance songs, á la Olly Murs or Bruno Mars (I swear there’s a song like this in every recent contest). I mean, it’s good, but it’s just kinda meh since I’m kinda getting tired of this genre rearing its fedora-wearing head every time a new lineup rolls in.

Azerbaijan- Cleopatra

One of the “better” trashy entries this year, comprised of about five different musical genres, six ancient cultures being appropriated and absolutely zero class. Probably sounds at least 50% better when you’re absolutely steaming drunk and face down on the floor in the middle of a gay bar.

Belarus- Da Vidna

Somehow, this song sounds both very unique and original yet trite and average at the same time. I couldn’t decide whether listening to it was a new experience or if I’d heard it a million times before.

Belgium- Release Me

A song which just drones on till it ends. I would say it’s ripping off the song that won last year, but it forgot that having a chorus stops your song from being three minutes of snooze.

Bulgaria- Tears Getting Sober

A typical breathy mumble-girl song, AKA a genre I can’t fucking stand. Really don’t see the hype with this one, the melody is pretty but the vocals are out for lunch and it’s otherwise completely and utterly boring.

Croatia- Divlji Vjetre

One of the token big dramatic ballads you listen to once, enjoy, then forget about until Darius in the Discord server plays it one night whilst you’re hitting up the radio bot with requests. You’ll find that “nice, but forgettable” is a common theme for this year.

Cyprus- Running

Ironically Cyprus didn’t send a crappy Fuego knockoff for 2020, and I say ironically because a crappy Fuego knockoff would’ve actually stood out this year, and I say crappy because honestly Fuego wasn’t even all that great to begin with. "Running” itself is just one of those edgy tortured soul pop songs which, let’s be honest, would have been paired with an impressive performance which would’ve overshadowed how bland it is. Kind of like “You’re the Only One”. Or even Fuego for that matter.

Czech Republic- Kemama

Standard Afro-pop, a genre we don't often see at the contest so I'll let it pass. I feel like this is the kind of song that’s infinitely better live, and that it would’ve been one of those songs that suddenly became a frontrunner after the semi finals, but I guess we’ll never know eh?

Denmark- Yes 

The quintessential mid-10s Eurovision song. It's got guitars, happy people, Scandinavian origins… it’s just a typical radio guitar song, nothing special.

Estonia- What Love Is

I mean it's better than La Forza. Granted, the sound of someone pissing directly onto a microphone installed in the bowl of a toilet would sound better than La Forza but still. Going back to this song, it’s just... a standard Eastern-ballad with some very desperate lyrics. It feels kind of outdated, if I’m honest. Like something about this just reeks of 2011.

Finland- Looking Back

Yet another dreary, forgettable ballad. It comes to something when the best song they COULD have sent was a party song which sounded like it was from the mid 90s. At least that song was memorable. That said, this one at least has some decent lyrics. Bravo for that I guess.

France- Mon Alliée

France decides to say “fuck it” to being an underground fan-favourite and takes a leaf out of the UKs book by sending the same rent-a-Swede schlock they’ve been sending since 2015. I’m just confused as to why anyone in their right mind would choose to follow the UKs example but you do you France.

Germany- Violent Thing

A rehash of Sweden's entry from two years ago, but this time sung by Justin Bieber circa 2008. Kind of alright if you can stomach the singer's whiny voice, but otherwise pretty dull and kinda forgettable.

Greece- Superg!rl

Hello fellow kidz, we are hearing you like the girl power? The super heroes? The t3xt $p3ech? We made you song, please give us the votes *dabs*

Georgia- Take me as I Am

I mean… this sure is a choice. This feels like one of those songs that everyone memes on because the lyrics are kinda janky and the singer’s voice (and accent) take a bit of getting used to, but other than that it’s just one of those NQ songs for hipster fans to declare as their unironic winner at a later date. All in all this just feels like the male equivalent of one of those mid-10s fat acceptance women’s songs, only a lot shoutier and this time he has more flaws than not being skinny.

Iceland- Think About Things 

A bootleg George Ezra song, performed by a load of disinterested tumblr users in their pyjamas. Because if there’s one thing that sells me on a song, it’s being given the evils by a bunch of nerds who look like they’ll send me death threats for not agreeing with their Pokémon headcanons. To be fair, the song is kind of groovy since it sounds so 70s, but the performance is very off-putting to people who aren’t in the Eurovision loop. And also people who are, because I sure as Hell don’t see the appeal in this myself and this whole performance just feels like Save Your Kisses for Me without the charm. I feel like this would’ve come second or third, definitely with a lot of televotes but either the jury would’ve dragged it down or it wouldn’t have scored enough televotes to win.

Ireland- Story of my Life

A song that’s at LEAST ten years out of date by this point, think like an early Katy Perry, Jessie J or Avril Lavigne song. I’ll forgive it because even though it sounds like it should’ve been entered in 2013 (at the latest), it at least evokes some nostalgic memories of shitty school discos and holiday parks.

Israel- Feker Libi

The female equivalent of the Czech song. Unsurprisingly, people went wild for it when it was released. I guess only women are allowed to sing Afro-pop at this contest. Like with the Czech song, I’ll forgive it since Afro-pop is a cool genre anyway, and even though this is just another club song I can at least see myself dancing to it.

Italy- Fai Rumore

Well, at least my wish of “Italy sends a typical power ballad devoid of anything the mainstream fandom likes” finally came true. It was pretty refreshing to have a year where people weren’t shoving Italy’s entry up my nose left right and centre. In terms of my actual thoughts I can’t deny that the guy has a tremendous voice, but for some reason the song just doesn’t… click with me. I guess I like my male Italian singers a little more gruff and raspy, if you know what I mean. They gotta sound like they smoke at LEAST five packets of cigarettes a day for me to take notice.

Malta- All of my Love

Listen I am 100% rooting for Destiny Chukunyere to win this contest some day but man was this song a disappointment. It feels so… un-special and generic, like it gets the job done and that’s it. It’s not the stand-up-and-belt-it-out soul anthem I’d hoped for, it’s just… there.

Moldova- Prison

All I remember about this song is that it vaguely reminds me of that one Meccano song about the gypsy who makes a deal with the moon or something. And I’ve TRIED to remember more about what it sounds like, trust me.

Latvia- Still Breathing

The one horrible weird song you get every year which overuses strobe effects to the point it comes with an epilepsy warning. Would be bearable if it wasn't for the singer’s insistence that this is actually some feminist masterpiece when it's really just a self-empowerment club song about the singer fingerbanging herself over the fact she writes music.

Lithuania- On Fire

One of the songs everyone thought was going to win at one point, even though it seems like a surefire non-qualifier to me. It’s one of those weird entries, but not the kind of over the top, batshit insane, you’d-have-to-be-drunk-to-enjoy-it weird, the kind of subdued surreal weird. Like this is weed instead of LSD or cocaine weird. Granted my mom, who I consider to be a "typical" Eurofan, actually really liked this song when she saw it in the recaps, so who knows maybe this would have done well with televoters after all.

Netherlands- Grow

I appreciate this song for how artsy and clever it is with its structure, since it starts off acapella and the instrumental builds up with the song until it stops suddenly, symbolising a person’s growth from a child into an adult, and ending suddenly with their death (Geddit? The song’s called “Grow”). But it feels like the kind of song that would be lost on a Eurovision audience. The juries would have taken note, for sure, but the televote… let’s be honest, they’d have been too busy drunk voting for Russia to care about anything else.

North Macedonia- You

Well, it's better than the miserable dirge they sent last year, but given how I'd rather pleasure myself with a steak knife than listen to that song, that really isn't saying much. Going back to “You”, it really just feels like a diet version of Switzerland’s entry from last year, combined with Sweden’s song from 2018. What I’m saying is it’s your average “I’m a man in a club and I want to dance with and probably fuck this hot girl I just met” song, which I a new genre I just made up. You’re welcome.

Norway- Attention 

One of those songs you appreciate because it sounds nice and the singer has a good voice, but instantly forget because it’s really not all that interesting. If I sound like I'm repeating myself, welcome to Eurovision 2020.

Poland- Empires

“Rise Like a Phoenix” but sung by a wannabe Adele and not a mascara-wearing Jesus in a dress. Like a lot of other songs on this list, it’s just average across the board, likeable when it’s on, but instantly forgettable as soon as the next song comes on.

Portugal: Medo de Sentir

Pretty, but also similar to their ill-fated 2018 entry, only with a bit more energy and less pink hair. What I’m saying is this would have been another NQ unless the crowd who enjoy subtle ambience music come in to save it like they did with Slovenia's entry last year.

Romania- Alcohol You

See Bulgaria, because this is practically the same song. It’s just as dreary, just as badly sung (if not worse because holy shit this girl sounds like she’s being suffocated), and I suppose you COULD excuse that by saying she’s drunk or hungover… but I don’t want to listen to someone ungracefully mumble into a microphone for three minutes.

Russia- Uno

A classic big camp party song, the kind of song people who haven’t watched Eurovision since 2003 think wins on the regular. I can see why people would like it (especially in this boring year lmao, I applaud Russia for taking the opportunity to loosen their corset and just send a complete mess instead of their usual clinical vote grabs), but it’s just not something I enjoy. It's the song that plays into the misconception that Eurovision is just a clown show for drunk people, like this is just here to be that one flash-in-the-pan meme song that only entertains people who don’t really care about Eurovision until the day before it airs. Kind of like the old ladies they sent in 2012 (remember them?).

San Marino- Freaky!

San Marino, in true Sammarinese fashion, have yet again sent a decade-ambiguous song which sounds like it was either released in 1978 or 2003. I feel like this would have been one of those songs which could have surprised us if it had a really wacky, creative performance (think like Moldova in 2018), but this is San Marino so you know that would never happen.

Serbia- Hasta la Vista

Insert unoriginal joke about a decade wanting their shitty trend back right here. Okay maybe that’s a bit harsh, especially considering how this song is actually, yanno, unique in comparison to the rest of this year. But it still feels weirdly dated, in a way where I can’t decide whether it sounds like it belongs in 1998 or 2018. I suppose girl power ages a song regardless of when it was released.

Slovenia- Voda

Yet another standard Balkan-European power ballad which you appreciate because it’s well sung, but forget the moment it ends because it’s kinda boring. … Does anyone else have a bit of deja vu?

Spain- Universo

For some reason I feel like this song is shilling itself out to someone but I have no idea who. Aside from the horny people voting solely because the singer is moderately attractive even with that wretched Jedward haircut.

Sweden- Move

Imagine soul but… boring.

Switzerland- Répondez Moi

Imagine Arcade but… in French.

United Kingdom- My last Breath

Not the best the UK could have done, but it’s at least a modern offering unlike the residual dregs of the mid-90s that we sent throughout the 2010s. It’s definitely a bit too generic to have done any better than maybe 15th, but hey at least the cancellation means we won’t have to see it not do as well as the BBC thinks it’s entitled to do, prompting a billion clickbait articles about how Brexit somehow affected our performance.

Ukraine- Solovey

At long last we come to something you probably weren't expecting: a song I actually really like. Which is weird because I usually don't care for or don't like whatever Ukraine vomits into the contest, so I was pleasantly surprised to find a song I liked from them in such a weak year. This song isn’t for everyone, it’s white noise singing which is a very acquired taste, but this is honestly the only 2020 song I find myself coming back to over and over. And it’s in Ukrainian too, so you don’t have to put up with their usual mangled English offerings.

[wellhalesbells]

If you have the time and if you don't mind, what are some books you really recommend? Doesn't have to be all time faves, but anything that pops into mind that you want more ppl to read and love, Extra points if lgbt+ , i got the whole summer with little to do and i wanna spend it reading some good quality writing and honestly so far your recs have introduced me to so many faves its unbelievable

[blushes profusely] oh wow, thank you!!!  i’m so glad you’ve trusted me enough to check out some of the stuff i reblog; that is like the ultimate compliment, i can’t even???  i don’t mind at all(!), fair warning though: i only started recording what i read partway through last year and my mind is like a sieve so i’ll do my absolute best to remember what’s sang to me in the recent past.  warning number two: i’m in an open relationship with absolutely every genre out there so i’ll try to note which belongs where so you can avoid those that hold no interest for you.

LGBT+

i’ll give you the sun.  i loved this book, the writing is fucking transformative and all the characters are so damn likable, while still being realistically flawed human beings.

the raven cycle (tetralogy).  definitely my favorite series since harry potter.  the writing, the world-building, the characters, it’s all on top-form.  i wrote a little, mini non-spoilery review of it: here, back when i was better (worse?) wordly-wise and my feels were brand new.

more happy than not.  i’m still not sure how i feel about this book.  it was hard, but it felt very true to the characters and the lingo and style matched the ages of the players and i have a lot of respect for that.

the watchmaker of filigree street.  woooow i loved this book.  i admit ‘historical fiction’ kind of makes me cringe.  it never precludes me from reading a book but it does knock it down the list by a book or five because they’re often very dense and very clunky and end up taking me ages to get through.  but this one was gorgeous.  i loved the plot, the attention lovingly placed on every character and the historical elements.  the surprise gay in an already brilliant book felt like winning the lottery honestly.

captive prince (trilogy).  okay, truthfully, i’m only putting this on here because the second book is such a high point for me.  it was never bad at any point but it had unfortunately been hyped far too much for it to live up to my, admittedly, very high expectations.  hopefully it’ll fare better with you?

everything i never told you.  i go back and forth on this one.  i like the writing a lot, i like the LGBT aspect a lot, and i like the mystery aspect a lot but there are definitely characters i would cut out entirely for sheer predictability if i could and that killed a lot of my enjoyment at the time (but i think much more highly of it in retrospect?).  so, take that as you like.

aristotle and dante discover the secrets of the universe.  if there’s a book that handles its characters with more care or respect or consideration then i haven’t run into it.  i love the way this is written and the people it’s populated with.

flying lessons & other stories.  a bunch of uber talented authors writing a bunch of uber diverse and LGBT-focused stories and, yes, that is exactly as awesome as it sounds.

the song of achilles.  it is utterly heart-breaking but so rich, honestly.

FANTASY

the diviners.  (also has a minor LGBT character, who may play a bigger role in the sequel?)  fair warning, i have not read the sequel, lair of dreams, because it is somehow still not out in paperback (yes, i read physical books, yes, i pretty exclusively read paperbacks so i can lug them everywhere with me, YES, I PRE-ORDERED THIS ALMOST TWO YEARS AGO AND IT’S STILL NOT OUT, NOT THAT I’M BITTER ABOUT THAT OR ANYTHING) so i can’t speak to that one finishing on a high note as i don’t know.  but this was the first historical novel i managed to like in a long while.  it does such a good job of fusing in 1920s lingo and dress and aspects that i couldn’t help but love it.  add in the fantasy elements and i can admit i’m the perfect sucker for it.

the scorpio races.  i’m not sure why but it took me a long-ass time to get into this book, i wasn’t flipping pages with gusto until well towards the end but - especially as i was reading so much YA at the time - i really appreciated coming across a romance that lets both people come into it as themselves and stay themselves, neither puck nor sean were ever smashed or crumpled or shaved away to fit into their relationship, which was so refreshing.  plus the water horses were fucking cool.

the night circus.  the writing, the atmosphere, the circus.  just… it is all very whoa.

all the birds in the sky.  i loved this writing style and these characters and the magical elements.

CONTEMPORARY

i’ll meet you there.  there was something about this and i just… ended up liking it way more than i expected to.  i might’ve just read it at exactly the right time, i’m not sure, but i really enjoyed it.

the invoice.  this is honestly just hella cute and so freaking surreal.  swedes, man.

NON-FICTION

why not me?  i like mindy kaling a lot.  i make no apologies for that.  plus you can read both her books in about five seconds, haha.

SCIENCE FICTION

station eleven.  i loved this book.  the way the narrative is woven is so refreshing and i wish the comic book miranda was writing in this book was a real thing more than anything else in the woooorld.

illuminae.  hot DAMN this book was cool.  the plot was rock solid, the characters were hilarious and badass and the graphics made out of text and spiraling words and just the way this thing is put together?  shit, it’s worth your money and then some.

a robot in the garden.  okay this is just cute as hell.  i can’t even with tang, he’s the most adorable robot to ever adorable.

annihilation (southern reach trilogy).  (LGBT minor characters.)  okay, honestly?  i don’t know.  this was freaking zany but i was invested as fuck in all the kookiness for reasons i can’t articulately elaborate on.

the martian.  hilarious, engaging, SPACE.  what more do you want?

HORROR

things we lost in the fire.  this is more atmospheric than anything but, damn, could this get me wishing i wasn’t reading this in the dark or looking over my shoulder to make absolutely sure no one was standing behind me.  it’s a book of short stories (by the way, i love books of short stories and i definitely realize that is not true for everyone) and each one is so well-delivered and stylized.  i really enjoyed reading this.

let the right one in.  okay, this is legit horror so definitely stay away if you’re easily squicked out but it is harrrrrd to find good horror (at least in my opinion) and this definitely, definitely qualifies.

horrorstör.  i honestly had such low expectations for this, a horror story set in a wannabe-ikea, but it ended up being so ridiculous and strange and funny that i was won over by the finish.

the girl with all the gifts.  holy unique and well-executed zombie idea, batman!

SHORT STORIES

the bigness of the world.  there were definitely ones here that hit better than others but the ones i liked, i really liked!

GRAPHIC NOVELS (i read a lot of these so, um, prepare yourself)

saga.  (LGBT minor characters as well.)  this is world-building to a degree that i’m convinced did not exist before.  just, i can’t say enough amazing things about this series and the staggering amount of imagination that regularly goes into it.

ms. marvel.  heart-warming as fuck.  it’s definitely really easy to lose faith in the world these days, luckily kamala is there to remind you that people are primarily and genuinely good.

black science.  this is another one that took just an insane amount of imagination to cook up.  i got off to kind of a rocky start with this one but the gray-ness of all the characters really speaks to me, and that doesn’t really blossom until later in the series.

spider-man/deadpool.  this was very satisfying for my super duper spideypool-shipping mind.  joe and ed did us so good, and joe basically said in his sign-off: i made it absolutely as gay as they would let me, haha.

the wicked + the divine.  (LGBT minor characters that you’re going to get way too attached to, and retroactively.  it’s awful [sobs].)  the concept for this, gods reincarnating into teenagers before they burn up their hosts after a predetermined set of time, is so fucking cool.  the humor and the characters and the plot is all just aces.

iceman (LGBT MAIN CHARACTER).  okay, so this just started.  like issue #2 was only released days ago but 1) i am liking it so far and 2) marvel did it so dirty and barely advertised bobby - an openly homosexual superhero - was getting his own series, like, i found out about it the day before it went on sale and i keep my ear fairly close to the ground (not as close as some BY A LOT, but closer than the lay person i’d say) so if you can support it, please do!  pre-orders mean a lot in terms of numbers. :))))

descender.  admittedly, this starts out rooough.  because the main character, TIM-21 (and his little dog too), are annoying as hell.  he’s an android so there’s no dimension to him so he’s booooring as all get out but i am so glad i stuck with it through to the next trade because, probably picking up on the unsustainability of him as a main character, he gets shuffled off and the side characters get the stage and they rock so hard.

paper girls. (LGBT main characters.)  i’m kind of just convinced that brian k. vaughan can do no wrong at this point.  his plots are so tight and mind-blowing and badass.

monstress.  here’s a little tid-bit about me: female comic book writers are 100% more likely to get my money and my time because they are so damn rare and this series is unique, badass, and eye-opening.

black monday murders.  i’m a little premature with this since there’s only one volume and i usually try to wait until there are at least two but i check up on a volume two a lot so that definitely means something intrigued me!

nailbiter.  okay, i haven’t read the final volume yet ‘cause i’m reluctant to let it go but, so far, a series about multiple serial killers all being from the same town has me VERY HOOKED.

i wish i could remember more but this is honestly way better than i expected to do, haha.  they’re definitely not all my all-time faves but they’re ones that have stuck with me for one reason or another and that i didn’t feel i wasted my time on, so that’s something, right?  i hope this helps get you started and that you don’t think too awfully of me when you inevitably run across ones that aren’t your cup of tea!

[wonderingangelsuniverse]

February 2nd 2018

I don’t even know where to start with all the many things that have been going on as of late. I can’t decide if I should start with two weeks ago or just begin with today. Well there has been an abundance of anger going on within me. I think today is a good example of this. We were all sitting on the couch. I was drinking my coffee remembering back in the day when we used to all meet up really late at night and go to the diner together. The boys would add so much sugar to their coffee. Hope and ApprenticeBoi were reading and Moe was stirring up the whole living room with his intense boredom. That’s when out of fucking no where at 2:30pm Hope just had a seizer mid conversation. He looked around the room and then bam. Kept his page for a while even. I just went and got his dad because I was so pissed off I couldn’t decide fast enough to push him over or let him remain on the couch. Hope and I’ve become significantly closer sense I’ve returned back to Hawaii. I guess his condition keeps getting worse and worse. I swear I can’t remember a time when this has happened so randomly. He bit his tong making blood spewed all over the couch. Gabe heard me tell ApprenticeBoi that he was having a seizer because the small ignorant boy started laughing. Apparently our student teacher relationship is very close as well as I didn’t fucking flip for his immature behavior. The only comment I ended up making was something along the lines of, “ How about you sit and read your book instead of making terrible comments.” He seemed to listen to me as I was being quite urgent. I wasn’t mad at him though. I then spaced out and asked Gabe what he was getting ready for right after he took a shower. I can’t say I’ve been being super bright these days either. I have a theory that I’m just not listening to me as well unless I verbally state what I’m saying. Update: I just talked to Hope’s dad and he mentioned that Hope had just gotten up. That makes this whole situation a lot less concerning to me. I guess the neurologist had explained that he tends to have a his episodes in the time where his brain is beginning to boot up after awakening. I didn’t realize how long it takes for a brain to start running but I also didn’t realize that they could know so much about his problem and yet still not completely fix it.  

Who’s Gabe? Yeah, that goes back two weeks ago when I started this whole gig cleaning air planes. A week before MelloMad and I started Gabe had gotten fired due to the closer of the Santa Maria unit of the airplane company. Sandy, the head director of the airline for Hawaii is stationed in Kona and for the most part to my understanding he runs at least Honolulu as well. He called Gabe only a day after he was fired to offer him a place with the intimate group of mechanics here on the Big Island which was apparently about a month before he came here, That’s when he stayed in the pilot’s grew house for about a month. I guess around six months ago Gabe’s goil Lee Ann died a slow death due to the cancers. I know this experience very well. I feel like Gabe and I are meant to be friends.

Jerry, the lead mechanic of the later in the weak mechanics groups, Wednesday to Saturday, was the blessed man to get us the job cleaning. He lives only up the road from us. He would have been able to help us out in these hard two weeks that nearly drove me to stabbing my best friend haha. I said, “would” for a damn good reason though. The day of the missile or that Saturday, he was riding his motorcycle through an intersection and like most nearly fatal biking accidents was drove into by a car trying to make a left turn. It really is a shame for both Jerry and the now traumatized driver of the car. I guess from what I heard, Jerry got up and walked over to the guy to give him what he deserved in violent words, which tells you the kind of guy Jerry is, before he sat down declaring that he thinks he needs an ambulance. One of the other mechanics on the other shifts neighbor found him and called the emergency services. We saw him last weekend and oh my was he bruised and shattered. His hole left side was completely wrecked. He shattered on of his knee caps and had a giant circular chunk taken out of his leg. His other knee is broken and both spots right above his ankles are fucked. He’s going to be out of work for four months. He told us he’s headed to his mom’s in Cali. I don’t blame him. I would want my mom as well.

With Jerry out of the picture, MelloMad and I would have to rely on the fact that BoldFuck and Mom-o-pan go to Kona each day if we are to return home. Sounds good yes? Our shift is from 8:30pm to 4:30 am. That means BoldFuck and Mom-o-pan cannot be that inconvenienced sense they have children. Fine, whatever, I get two weeks of helping us out while we wait to get paid does seem a little over whelming.... We did get the job in the first place so BoldFuck could quote on quote stay home with his kids. More about this later. I’m so happy to be writing after all this time omg. Alright any how, all these sentences lead up to the fact that Kona Airport is sitting in a dry hot lava rock climate around five miles from the city. No money combined with MelloMad’s inability to walk long distances for some form of foot related problem leaves us stranded at the airport all week. MelloMad and I managed to find a nice culvert buried deep under the highway to take refuge in. The two of us kind of swore off BoldFuck and Mom-o-pan after that because honestly this was insane. I’d end up paying four hundred of the four hundred and thirty seven dollars I made on my first weeks work to them for the month of January after I spent two weeks of that month sleeping in a fucking storm drain.You crazy fucking assholes.

This is where Gabe. our Hispanic 47 year old friend from the gangster areas of both Nevada and LA, would come in. He had the pilot’s car, I can’t remember the model lol. It was a really small two door car that wasn’t even a hatchback. We banned together with him since he was sleeping in this car as he both already blew all of his money on women and alcohol and the fact that Kona living is nearly impossible. Between the three of us our best bet would be to find a car over a house so we could in fact live. Hilariously I found a great deal on this apartment that I’m half tempted to keep trying for, for the four of us. I have a small wish of chilling in the condos shared backyard pool in a pink floaty, like the man from when we were on Hilo side chilling with my wondrous Angel of Melody. Haven’t texted her in a hot minute haha.

Angel of Melody is actually a great segway to why I think Gabe and I are meant to be friends. When he did return the car he joined us for about a week and half in the storm drain. BoldFuck and Mom-o-Pan would come pick us up for the weekend but man does rivet-y metal cylinders *fuck me* sucks to sleep in. I’m gay and I think that amazing and magical fact has to come with some form of repercussion in itself for I live in a time where abnormality, although worshiped, often is actually frowned upon. “It’s good to be unique!” Lies I tell you, unless its going to make you an abundance of cash to swede people other wise. One person that we all know very well as Wondering Angels’s number one anti lesbianism antagonist is MelloMad. He could probably easily defend himself by stating that he doesn’t mind lesbians at all as he watches porn of it.. Maybe? I actually question that lol. Plus lesbian porn is fucking stupid. I tried to tell him but he told me it’s because I want the love and not the lust. It’s probably where I’m watching it. Honestly though, how many time’s do lesbians have to clearly state to people that scissoring isn’t the fucking bee’s knees of lesbian sex? I haven’t even had sex with another women yet and I can agree. I’d give you some sources to this from my hours of researching when I was having a crisis but…. I don’t have internet right now alongside the point that I just don’t want to. It’s hard for me to say something so opinionated on other peoples behalf sense I can imagine MelloMad seeing this as an opportunity to disprove my point. I could even imagine a different color text being typed across here like: This is MelloMad and your wrong because I never hear anyone say that. Yes, I understand your word is way cooler then mine, awesome. Even just yesterday when MelloMad was having a good day and I was asleep in the backseat, I heard him tell Gabe I needed to prove to him I’m gay. Gabe even told me MelloMad thinks I switched… SWITCHED. Look, what the fuck?! I actually did bother explaining to Gabe why this was and it brought up my mother which was good. Actually it all lines up really well. I’m just getting to good at my job. Gabe isn’t homophobic in the slightest and that’s so refreshing. Someone whom of which MelloMad has no influence over would like to hang out with me and isn’t homophobic haha, perfect right? So I can give Gabe support on Lee Ann and he can give me support on my very CLEAR gayness.

Can we stop here to speak about how I’m not fucking curious? Yes, we can because this is my letter to you and not the other way around. Here is a brief essay on why.

I am not curious because, I was born very gay, I have no sexual feeling towards men, and sex isn’t everything. When I was only hardly a handful of years old my brother Chris had a girlfriend named Christal. Christal was this super fucking hot blond chick that I would pretend was my girlfriend. When I was in the third grade I joined the boys and girls club because my friend Liza went there after school as well and she was really hot! I found out she was signed up for the other side of the club. I was quite lonely there but I continued to attend because this sixth grader named Sam, whom was another hot blond, walked the same way to the bus as I would. If I was fast enough getting out of class, I was able to catch her. My sister-in-law and my mom both knew I was gay. Mom’s always know! Secondly I am not curious because I have no sexual feeling towards men. That ALONE should be a good enough fucking reason you ignorant fuck. Finally FUCKTHIS.

Well teach, I didn’t probably not get a very good grade on dat essay but anyways, I don’t know much more about what’s going to happen between Gabe and I accept that he’s going to help me get some spine talking to women. He’s also taught me a bit about airplane mechanics and some Spanish. El avion esto muy limpio. El avion esto sucio. Airplanes are men in Spanish. I am Spanish as I am from Spain and therefore some Spanish won’t kill me sense its so widely spoken. I quite enjoy learning. Trying to get the sentence; my favorite game is life is strange, down now. It’s like: Mi favorito Jewenkn something something esto esto extrago or something. Yep lol one time reading it off Google translate and I got this haha! Ironically I can read Spanish quite well so if I wanted I could just translate everything but meh why not memorize it?  

Let’s go back to the spine and women thing. I was at Gabe’s favorite bar having a single IPA when I staring at the bar tenders ass as she was wearing this cute pair of black short shorts. I think it should be illegal to be that hot because why am I such a sucker for blonds with hips? Her name’s Shy. Gabe informed me last night that she’s trying to get a plane ticket to Maui for her birthday but she has a boyfriend to go with her. Gabe and I were talking before he found this other blond to be bothered with cause he knew what I didn’t and I mentioned to him again that I’m gay. I was trying to be obnoxious about it in hopes Shy would maybe start speaking of it but I think she sadly didn’t hear me. I guess repeating I’m a lesbian, I’m a lesbian, isn’t going to help me get laid any faster but that’s why I need Gabe to help me out. Now, I didn’t think or think she heard me because she was in the other room. Now the sad part before I go on is that she’s the bar tender so she’s supposed to be nice for her own benefit. This is America after all. She could of easily of done this because I’m friends with Gabe or it could have been completely coincidental. Destiny does tend to spoil me. I did state I had no fucking money though and Gabe did buy me the beer. He’s a really good guy. Let me tell you, I was watching chopped all star addition. I’ve really fell out of chopped over the years but it gives me such a nostalgic feeling from back when that was our jam. Did my mom like chopped? I feel like we would watch it together when we were babysitting at my brothers. Remind me to mention this when I tell you something cool about lately. Next paragraph maybe. Alright back to Shy. She kind of was trying to talk to me but I couldn’t keep myself together at all. I was so damn nervous I wouldn’t stop touching myself all over my head like I was trying to calm myself. I had my hands tangled in my hair I was super insecure, I was just all wrong. Really I just wanted to watch Chopped, sadly. The extremely hot girl was making things so difficult. HER VOICE SOUNDED LIKE the Angel or Dreams or Dream Angel’s HELP. I can’t, alright, alright, okay okay. Gabe was gone and only one other person was at the bar. Now I was sitting by the TV where I could read the sub-tittles which happened to be by the register and most of the tap, oops. She had a moment and stopped to read the TV. I looked right at her like a not so sly moron. She turns to me and is like, “Oh she has a wife, that cool to see a lesbian on the show. They should have a strictly gay version of chopped.” She looks me dead in eyes and I just say, “Yeah then there wouldn’t be any room for discrimination.” That’s when the conversation was over. “I’d watch the shit out of that.” or “I’ve always wanted to be on chopped.” FUCKING ANYTHING REALTED TO ME WOULD OF HELPED. FOR FUCK SAKES I’m SUCH A NARASISTIC FUCK HALF THE TIME, ALWAYS SPEAKING OF ME AND HERE I AM COMING UP WITH A COMPLETELY NON ME RELATED THING TO SAY. I guess it’s better then being like, “Fuck me.” Rip…. I was so mad I just ignored her existence even harder and left the bar after drinking the rest of Gabe’s beer. I just angry ranted in the bathroom for a good hour after that. I was chilling in the car when MelloMad and Gabe thought they would pull a prank on me by trying to insist we needed to turn our badges in. I didn’t believe it because MelloMad wasn’t pissing angry. We just went to get Gabe’s new badge scanned for documentation and MelloMad and I’s member ID’s were in too. Now we can fly free on all of our flights. 

Well when we were at the bar and Gabe walked off with that blond, MelloMad messaged me cause I guess he was with Gabe about how the car might get toed sense we left it at our new bank. We opened an account before hand. When I got there I saw the notice from security  under the whipper. A parking violation warning. I snagged it up in so MelloMad didn’t have a direct reason to bitch around or at me. Well I guess he didn’t even see it at all. The blond Gabe was walking with was older and she was all over MelloMad whom was working on some music. He was getting more and more pissed at her annoying him. It was hilarious. We dropped her off at her house in which she was selling due to her Ex Husbands assholishness. I suggested she rent it out xD ;). Hope lost but later after their little fired prank they failed to pull off. I got Gabe good as I walked off, put the note back where it was but now in the airport parking lot and then went to rant in the bathroom as if I was busy. When I returned they both thought they drove with it on the windshield. YEAH totally. Gabe sounded worried for a second and I decided sense there prank was so shit, I’d quickly spoil my good one. I confessed to putting it there, luckily I didn’t get reamed but I also didn’t get a single laugh either which pissed me off anymore. 

All in all I’ve been hella angry lately. Considering how fucking anxious, depressed over his grandfathers sudden death, and emotional MelloMad has been due to just a random on slot of sudden change.. It sucks cause that’s all Gabe knows MelloMad for. Yet Gabe is/has been slightly over emotional too. I don’t blame either of them so I just sit SILENTLY. Somehow I’ve remained mostly silent. I think it might have thrown MelloMad through a bit of a loop. I’m never quiet but I to know I’ve had quite a bit of anxiety therefore to remain strong I’ve just kept quiet during any even potential arguments or problems that could a rise verbally. I must say even with my efforts there has been twice now where I’ve snapped at MelloMad. One time over me trying to help MelloMad find a solution he can effectively use regarding a bank account which we already went over, we both opened one. I was trying to get him to open maybe a pay-pal. You can use a debit card, master card or vista, bought for roughly a dollar or so or even order a pay-pal debit card. No banks involved in that option. MelloMad insisted that at max three dollars was to much but can’t get over them holding his check for over twenty four hours. Obviously both quite irrational rebuttal and to his surprise the nice man who set us up with an account made sure our money didn’t get held. So fuck me for trying to help. The other argument was at work and was literally over how much sugar per flood ounce was in both the tea and monster energy drink and which had more sugar. Yeah I to got tired of this argument just reading that sentence. This is what happened, seriously this is ridiculous as is. I was board and I calculated his tea as the two servings which would come out to 54 grams of sugar in his entire 24 ounce bottle. I didn’t calculate as two servings and did the math of 19 grams of sugar for the 16 ounces. Obviously mine already has less sugar? Well that’s about 1.2 grams of sugar per ounce on the Monster and 2.3 grams of sugar per ounce of tea meaning the tea had double the sugar per ounce. I didn’t even explain all my reasoning to Erwin when he concluded that I was terrible wrong. I listened even though he never gave me a breath to fully explain especially after he pointed out there was in fact two servings in my Monster. He also insisted over and over that there was three times more sugar in my Monster. Well like I said I’m not afraid to be wrong. I love it. usually if said person doesn’t make me feel like shit over it. My love for learning usually out weighs all. So the Monster had 38 grams of sugar to its 16 ounces meaning there also 2.3ish maybe 2.4 grams of sugar per ounce. For some reason when I did the math last time and fixed it and then did it on my calculator the tea had exactly 2.2 percent more sugar per ounce but that doesn’t make any sense meow unless somehow the second time I calculated it during the argument I managed to calculate the percentage. I mean 27 twice is 54 and dividing that by 24 goes into 2 and 6/24 which is in fact 2.4. Which I mean if you just multiply my first answer my 2 its still going to come out the same amount of sugar per fluid once. No matter what it isn’t three times...  I was quite angry he even accused me of interrupting so I suckered him into interrupting me lol. I am considering the idea that he might be literally going insane. I also think MelloMad has a hard time accepting that I am actually very smart. Considerably and debatably, smarter then him. He was frustrated that I finished signing up for the websites we use at work with so much faster then he. He was almost instantly mad at the computer as soon as he laid eyes on it though so I don’t know what he expected. I don’t see why in anyway it matters if I’m in anyway shape or form more ineffectual. I wasn’t born smart I worked hard to be smart. He could easily do this as well and I know for a fact there are things I know not much about that MelloMad knows plenty of. We are equal even if so. I wonder if he just sees me normally as less adiquite so when I do prove him wrong its more frustrating. I on the other hand hold MelloMad to an equal standard. If he does fail in any way I trust him to figure it out or at least I’ll help him. I’m talking so much shit about him because of how frustrated I’ve been with him lately. I really hate how much pent up anger I have even if I know exactly why its happening. I have to go off to work in thirty minutes so I’ll have to continue this whole part another time.

My Mom loved chopped. Remember that sentence? Well My sister-in-law friended me recently on facebook. I’d imagine I’ve mentioned it. I saw a heartwarming post of before she friended me about how she was having a coffee totie 2 remember her Mother-in-Law I nearly broke down crying. I don’t believe in evil. I can’t see the evil. I even had Guy admit to me that hell as of now, according to the Bible, doesn’t and won’t exist until judgment day. I think its ironic and amazing that I was finally able to get him to confess. By the way, I’m not Christian. MelloMad in the mist of our difucklty was contacted by his father’s sisters. His aunts he didn’t know of. This inspired me with my new found friendship on facebook to ask my sister-in-law of my own half sister. I didn’t know her name until now but I’ve known of her for a long time. I’ll have to tell you all about her later but I told her all about me and as soon as she’s completed her cool nursing exam she will respond to her long lost sisters brief life summary. She didn’t even know I existed until I messaged her haha. Well anyways I have to go to work. Stay awesome Pain!              

PS can’t forget about last nights anxiety dream about the room change. That song I showed to jenny. The dream was much wow. Very refreshing and Hope there too