#i cant tell if hes flirting w me or if im stupid or whatever

[itsalittlebitchilly]

i hate all men and i hate myself!!!!!!!!!!!! *dies*

[matoitech]

actually im just gonna list some shit out right now that i cant get out of my brain. its not one of those things i think ppl should necessarily check out for themselves to see what i mean, cuz its not like FUN bizarre or bad choices. some things r understandable for being like an indie furry novel but some things r just so atrocious or nonsensical you dont get a pass

theres a lot like just vaguely weird bullshit that the author brings up in the text like 'yeah i know it sounds weird but just dont worry about it!' (ex: the bio soldiers arent really siblings, but theyre kiiiinda siblings, or at least SOME of them view each other that way, but the ones that need to not view each other that way for the romances in the plot dont???) and youre just like, well, this was Written by someone, you CHOSE to write it that way when you did not need to, so am i supposed to just assume you wrote it that way for a reason? or did you just genuinely not think that far ahead? theyre grown in a vat, you didnt have to do this

so many things in this that did not have to be there at all and at the timeid think 'maybe this is there for a reason and is going to be explored later, maybe its there on purpose to be weird and Say Something about the character doing it or whatever' but it was not. some examples off the top of my head that i wont get into further bcuz this post is long enough as is: bryce and the creepy guard on the space prison (homophobic stereotypes that make me wonder what the hell is going on w the i ASSUME gay dude writing this), shep telling kesondra who was a teenager at the time she was 'mature for her age' w writing that makes me wonder how the hell that was meant to read (HOW DID ALARM BELLS NOT GO OFF? ARE WE SUPPOSED TO /LIKE/ SHEP?), bryce not recogizning holly now as an adult woman as the kid he saved once and other characters making jokes abt him flirting w her (THE CHARACTERS DONT KNOW, BUT THE READER KNOWS. HOW IS THAT SUPPOSED TO COME OFF?) why r u making these stupid in universe explanations for what feels like either a poor attempt at 'oh gross, thats weird in context!' 'jokes' later, or you just wanting an excuse to be weird or something?

two of its most massive glaring issues were present with like, the first chapter, when i realized this adult novel said a made up work for 'fuck' in the furry dog universe, and they say the made up word for fuck a LOT, and women are written so bad i thought i stepped backwards into the 1950s. the way women r written is way worse than them not saying the word fuck but it stands out so much i couldnt not mention it

i rly cannot stress the bizarre way the like 4 women in this book r treated enough. their interactions with other women and internal monologues have that pretty typical 'guy who has never rly given much thought to women as People thinks women feel about themselves and each other and their bodies etc' thing. i mean im saying this as a guy but its very blatant and basic misogyny its not hard to notice when ur also a man and point out. theyre referred to as 'dogesses' instead of dogs (dog is only reserved for the men, i guess) so u know right out the gate what brand of misogyny is going down. i dont think any of them have been described as wearing pants the entire book (apparently all women in this wear dresses). the male characters will randomly call them shit like either 'sweetheart' or 'bitch' apparently and it doesnt feel like youre supposed to think the guys r weird or creepy or shitty for this??? maybe shitty for the bitch thing but sweetheart honey darlin gets by totally fine? theyre not getting decked for that?

THE POTENTIAL RAINE HAS AS A CHARACTER THAT ISNT EXPLORED AT ALL MAKES ME WANT TO PUT MY HEAD THROUGH A WALL. I COULD WRITE A WHOLE OTHER ESSAY. i will say this tho, if i was writing this she would be trans

im like 400-500 (i dunno i havent checked) pages into the book and i cant really figure out a read on most of the politics in something that i was under the impression would be kinda political drama-y. theres like, a startling lack of politics in a book that DESPERATELY needs politics. i dont think the author has really wanted to worldbuild that far so you just get implications that there are politics going on, or the characters tell you that directly, or plot points happen that MUST be politically driven, but god forbid you find out why, i guess. maybe at the end.

indie furry novels need editors really really bad. it does that thing stuff thats really long that doesnt need to be that long does where it wanders around for 100 pages and then suddenly some shit is introduced and you can FEEL the author remembering the plot or realizing that he forgot to explain something 300 pages ago. some of the characters suddenly all start talking abt their sexualities like midway thru it bcuz the author forgot to mention it before, i guess? its kind of hard to tell when someone is actually gay or bisexual or when the other characters are just being homophobic for some reason. there r bases for good characters and story and worldbuilding but it doesnt reaaaally want to get into it enough for ALL its words and pages to make all that meandering feel worth it

i understand that so much of this is apparently just like middle aged british (??) cisgender (i assume, i would be in MISERY if this guy wasnt cis and writing like this) gay man male power fantasy and the extremely buff dudes he finds attractive but there is so much like lack of introspection the author has done and too much 'i did this cuz i thought it was hot and not bcuz it made ANY sense at all' like i am NOT against stuff existing in media bcuz the author thinks it'd be fun or sexy (when its done like, without being bigoted or smth, obviously) but when characters that r meant to be very smart do not think through like very basic things most ppl would think about (sasuke doesnt want to fuck w the x dogs programming too much and possibly ruin them, but he doesnt think anyones going to notice him bringing the same dogs back to life over and over, being the same age, and those dogs being MASSIVELY FUCKING HUGE AND RIPPED SUPER SOLDIERS? nostalgia can only explain away leaving them basically untouched and sasuke not caring if anyone noticed so much. i know theyre mostly penned but you'd think they'd take more precautions. they really dont give a fuck tho for some reason) and the book doesnt really want to ask those questions i just think like why didnt u get this edited??

the amount of ableism in this makes me feel like this man has literally never spoken to or seen a disabled person around him at all ever in his life. but theres just an undercurrent of general 'intersectionality isnt a word in my vocabulary' so thats kind of a given

the x dogs r also 'out of the box' as adults but the way theyre written w age and development and stuff is very weird i really could write a whole other thing about this

the fade to black sex scenes r so embarrassing for something that screams written for adult men. you cant even say fuck

theres like a moment when toby, a gay male character whose clothing style seems to be vaguely androgynous says smth like 'im not THAT far gone' as a joke about wearing heels or something. i hated it. that sentence encapsulated most of my biggest problems w this book bcuz it really just feels like this author has never bothered to talk to literally anyone with an even remotely different life experience than him. its also giving internalized homophobia like half the time. its so confusing i cant even tell if this was meant to be transphobic, bcuz again youre meant to LIKE these people

there r literally so many interesting things you could say about characters that are LIVING WEAPONS and how they feel about this, the dehumanization theyve experienced at the hands of the state or scientists creating and using them for war etc, but for some reason it doesnt really want to 'say' much of anything, at least so far?? its BOGGLING. there r probably way more things i could expand on or talk about (i could talk about specific characters even) but i need to cut myself off. i feel like i have more thoughts about what any of this Means than the guy writing it had writing like almost a thousand pages or whatever of Words

so i have been reading dogs of mars for like a full year bcuz its a Lot to get thru not even in length (tho yes its long) but in that a lot of the time its taken me so long bcuz ive had to put it down and just sit there thinking 'what was this guy thinking? what is going on?' ive been finishing it at all mostly bcuz i think i need to write a collection of my thoughts once im done. which mostly means my criticisms. because wow i have a lot of thoughts.

[choibinn3]

🗒TXT AS YOUR UNREQUITED CRUSHES!!

txt members as those unreturned feelings you wish you could let go of :*)

tags; angst, fluff, ouchies but yk, young love or whatever, grammatical errors, college/high school au!

warnings; feelings of inadequacy, mild jealousy, self-deprecation, cursing

note; not used to doing hcs yet, so this is messy.. 😓 but also, i saw the boys rejecting in the same way, so some of these r left for interpretation or indirect rejections!!!

tbh the hcs just get longer&longer as u read on

⌗ choi yeonjun!!

popular boy alert 🚨🚨

guys fucking everywhere, its so hard to get rid of him, and whenever you see him hes with a biiig group of ppl you dont know

youd gaze at him smacking his leg in doubled over laughter and feel an invisible barrier between him and yourself

but for some reason he always makes sure to say hi to you in the mornings or include you in class activities

and hes unfortunately very funny, and devastatingly pretty, so you cant exactly hate him just bc hes popular

your feelings probably start when youre both assigned cleaning duty or youre stuck next to each other in a group setting

it makes you feel weird in general bc no one with that many friends would want to do smthng like that, but then you realize maybe thats why hes got so many ppl hanging around him

after that, whenever he makes plans he always makes sure to ask you if you want to join,, and youre always confused

after that, whenever he makes plans he always makes sure to ask you if you want to join,, and youre always confused

after that one lengthy convo suddenly youre on his friend list now??? does he just put ppl on that randomly and quickly??

you almost blocked and ignored him the first time he sent you an invitation, convinced it was either a prank or the wrong number

"me and some other kids from this class are eating out tonight, wanna come?"

"excuse me, who is this??"

if you do agree to one of these plans though, more often than not itd be you clinging to him bc hes quite literally the only person you know

but its thrilling in a way to be technical friends with someone so fun and laid back. hes just so likable and all his mannerisms are just somehow cool, you cant help but want to be associated with that

and with the way he notices you and makes you smile, itd be hard not to fall for him

plus.. hes a natural flirt. charmer, whatever you call it when he smirks. you dont know if hes doing it in a friendly, fun manner or hes actually flirting

hes a tucks your hair behind your ear when listening to you talk, throws in an "ahh, youre so pretty today," randomly in conversation, idly playing with your fingers kind of flirt

he always keeps his arm around your shoulder, like, always. it has you questioning and scared if youre maybe too sweaty sometimes, but its just always there

when youre next to each other, walking, sitting, in fucking class if its possible?? he somehow does it everywhere, and yet also somehow makes it look like he isnt desperate to do it either

plus petnames. you see how he called wooyoung "cutie" and "darling" on that vlive?? it comes out of his mouth so smoothly you almost assumed it was a part of his vocabulary since birth

and its especially bad for your heart when youre just simply trying to tell the dude about class that day TT geez...

if you ever mention that youve never tried smthng (boba, sushi, anything really), will absolutely look at you incredulously before planning to go try it

"you—you what? do you live under a rock? no, no, we are going there next week."

"?? i have plans next week."

"not anymore, make room for 3pm. im paying."

oh yeah, he also NEVER lets you pay. its stupid, and even in group settings he somehow manages to convince everyone that its on him! no matter how stubborn the people are

all too quick though do you realize that all that you are is one of his friends. one of the many people surrounding him almost at all times

hes just as attentive as he is with you to his male nd female friends, as well as quite actually everyone else in your damn class (why does he have to be so kind?)

he flirts with them too,, all too often do you have to swallow that lump in your throat when watching him call his girl friend an exaggerated beautiful goddess

you know hes either joking or teasing—or both, with some truth, because hes never totally serious with it, but never not serious (whatever that means, but it makes sense in terms of yeonjun)

but you just cant help but tell yourself that all those times hes done the same with you were all fake, sweet lies

and you dont exactly have a deep connection with him, nor do you exactly know too much about him, so its all a weird conflict of emotions

youre his friend right?? just not close enough to text him at 4am, or to have vulnerable, soft moments together... it feels so distant, so out of reach

maybe youll have the confidence one day to send him a text, ask him to hang out one on one instead of a group thing

would he even make time for you though?? these sorts of things take planning, and youre almost certain his schedule is full, since hes just around everyone

it feels bad, and youre full of anxiety by the end of the time youve decided that tomorrow!! youll send him that text tomorrow

or next week, yup !!

⌗ choi soobin!!

hes absolutely perfect.

you probably met him through a mutual acquaintance on a friendly outing or randomly in class

"is this seat taken?" sort of meet cute

you guys would hit it off right away, and you honestly couldnt even begin to describe how perfect of a person he was

hes protective, attentive, and this has got to be more than any boy (or friend for that matter) has ever been willing to do for you

hes protective in the sense that hed ward off any creeps on trains with his staggering height (albeit maybe unintentionally), and then grab your waist so you dont stumble

attentive in the way that he buys you coffee or any of your favorite drinks before your morning class, and will memorize your order. it means a lot bc he has to wake up extra early, the coffee lines are always way too long in the mornings ☕️

he lets you take his notes and cram the day before any big test or exam, offering to quiz you afterwards if youre up for it too

for someone whos self-labeled himself as lazy, choi soobin sure is good at putting in effort for you :')

there to listen to any woes or complaints about any professors you have, and it feels like an actual friendship—if you ignore your festering feelings

it happens one day, you cant exactly pinpoint when, but it happens. youre all of a sudden conscious of yourself giggling at your phone when you realize how deep in you are

at first, you had just seen him as your tall, cute friend that youd be mistaken as a couple with.. but suddenly all those teasing comments from mutual friends has you impossibly flustered

it doesnt help that hes so, so sososo affectionate. in a casual way though, oh yeah. just grabs your hand or hits your shoulder when he laughs too hard, and absolutely does he back hug you

"[name], have you eaten yet? we can grab lunch later at the food place you like."

you can feel his chest on your back and it drives you insane, but for the sake of keeping it cool you shove that all down

his back hugs are almost just,, all consuming?? in a way? they envelop you fully, and sometimes on cold days you just sink in and it feels like your own coat lol

hes a tall dude, so whenever he hugs he either drapes himself over you or hugs you in a way that makes you feel so safe and secured it should be illegal

and his flirting... should you even call it flirting?? maybe youre reading into it too much

^ like the way hed wipe off any excess foam on your lips, or when he offers you food and goes "say ah~" before feeding it to you

bc friends do that. for sure, its totally fine and cool, but then he laughs so hard he has to rest his hand on your thigh. rest, as in it stays there for longer than your heart can handle

holds your hand when youre least expecting it. walking on the street, when youre focused in on an essay, playing around—its just bad for your health each and every time

youre not exactly sure what to do anymore when that old lady down the block from your apartment calls you a "lovely young couple!"

usually youd brush her off and promptly correct her, but now thats soobins job, because youre too busy losing your shit over his large hand being interlocked in yours

ultimately, you would feel like itd be best to just wallow in your feelings and think abt how cutely shaped his lips are T_T

bad, but... what was the better option?? risking a friendship with the first boy you found that wasnt scum???

if you do decide to risk it all and confess, oh boy, youll be the one feeling more guilty by the end of the day

hed be so apologetic, telling you that he didnt mean to lead you on, and if you dont reassure him the dude would swear to repent for the rest of his life

soobins really too nice.. which is why this would hurt even more

its sort of cute, how much hes fretting. tell him that you just wanted to get it off your chest, but still hope to remain as friends and things will go back to normal

well, as normal as it could be. you both have to ignore how he hesitates and then retracts his hand when hes laughing too hard and has to lean on you

also the fact that his hugs arent as warm, hes so reluctant to even touch you now, and instead of wiping off any foam himself, he hands you a napkin

its bittersweet really 😓

⌗ choi beomgyu!!

yet another mfker you cannot get rid of!!

not bc hes necessarily popular, hes just everywhere. beomgyu is somehow just someone everyone knows, and often you would find him annoying a rando teacher

you sort of grew up with him though

going to the same elementary, middle school, high school etc. he was always just the kid in the class over or the guy you slept next to during kindergarten nap time 💤

hes known for being a bit bratty and excitable, but tbh youve probably only had one or two conversations with him?? ^^;;

hes amusing, and when hes around you love watching his antics

the way youd fall would be at a party

not a crazy, wild, totally off the hook!!! party, but a small sort of gathering your class put together to commemorate the end of the semester

everyone was chatting and sipping something (hell if you knew), and he was playing his guitar like some sort of mystic indie boy about to change your life

you went up to him (mightve been smthng in that drink, wow) and ask how he even got the thing there, and he replied with something both cute and humorous enough to make you giggle

he was funny, not that you had expected him not to be, but you hadnt thought he would answer so quick and wittily when he hadnt interacted with you much either

his skills on the guitar werent a joke though. the way he played was like he was humming, making you hear invisible lyrics that werent there, it was just impossibly soft but loud. sickly poetic, right?

and you noticed that whenever he would mess up a chord, he would scrunch his nose up a bit—which you found cuter than you shouldve

plus over the whole school year he had grown his black hair out, letting it curl to frame his face and the back touch his neck

it was... brutal to say the least how good it looked on him. and brutal for you how you didnt realize how good he looked before ..

you would be knocked out of your observations (read: admirations) by him asking you for a song recommendation, and youd just have to give one from the top of your head

"oh! i love that song!"

he said it with such a big smile that it had you beaming with pride in your music tastes

was this really the boy youve seen around all your life?? you were that blind? 😵‍💫

the way hes strumming, smiling softly under the dimmed, tinted lights has you unconsciously blurring your surroundings, only focusing on him

afterwards, you would ask for his number with the lame excuse of "since we have such similar taste in music!!"

from then on whenever you found a song that you thought sounded like him, errr... reminded you of the songs he liked.. youd send it to him

and whenever youd run into him on school grounds, your only talking point would be "oh!! heres the cd you wanted to borrow haha"

its always a quick thanks! before hes gone, and you cant help but want to go to more parties in hopes hed be there again

youre not sure youll ever be able to get over him bc now whenever you listen to any song you think "oh.. would beomgyu like this??"

the thing is, he would also send you songs back 😓 which makes the whole thing even worse

"heyy!! this melody reminded me of you!! its pretty sweet lol :]]"

and you almost faint at the message, was there supposed to be a double meaning??

if it goes on for long enough i feel like beomgyu would make a whole playlist for you, and it just about sends your body into overdrive..

theres just something so special about a whole playlist dedicated to you, he listened to these songs specifically and thought of you!!

occasionally, or if you ask for them, beom sends you videos of him playing his guitar

sometimes its soft indie, sometimes its a riff on the electric guitar you cant quite decipher, but each time it makes you press the replay button

if youre lucky, his playing could be accompanied by gentle humming or murmured lyrics

..its genuinely so quiet you cant hear sometimes, but that doesnt matter much when each time he sends a video, youve already made sure to turn your volume up impossibly high 🔊

whenever youd see him on campus youd flash him a smile and usher him over to listen to what you had playing, but it always felt like he left too early ://

these conversations felt so brief. you were close but yet.. so far???

honestly though, all of these messages and texts late into the night are mostly about songs? you wish you knew about his other interests

with the way things were looking, there was no way he would realize your feelings, and you were running out of these songs quicker than you wouldve liked

you hovered over your text before quickly deleting it

"do you think you could teach me guitar? :)"

could this be something more? or were you just doomed to just looking at him with lovelorn eyes??

well, cant give you too much hope!!! this is supposed to be unrequited after all, ahh

⌗ kang taehyun!!

i struggled a bit too much on this one..

100% class president or representative

youve seen him around and hes maybe asked for you to hand in a sheet like once or twice, but otherwise you dont really know him

you would admire him heavily though, for both his grades and his looks. he seemed so far above all the rest at times, almost otherworldly with how compassionate and smart he was

it all starts when either you ask him to tutor you (nervously, fidgeting lol) or the teacher suggests it

he says yes (ofc, so nice), and the first session ends without any conversation outside of learning, and you cant help but feel stiff around him

its up until the third time you met after class that taehyun suggested you take a break, right after you struggled with his explanation

youre a bit embarrassed that he thought you needed a break, but.. what exactly does a break entail??

he asked you for your drink of choice and left to the vending machines, leaving you to sit there a bit confused until he returned shortly after with 2 cans

you thanked him and told him that you could pay him back, and he refused your insisting until you decided to cave in and open your beverage, seeping in slight awkwardness

but then he opened his own soda and it just EXPLODED like a fountain ⁉️ the carbonated juice was everywhere, and you had to back up a bit to not get it on your pants

he was panicking, quickly trying to cover the spray with his hand, then his jacket, his eyes impossibly wide n mouth open,, and you just about burst out in laughter

soon enough he would be laughing also, his hand still over the top, and the both of you making eye contact as the fizz stops entirely and the giggles die out

you felt a bit guilty, laughing at him.. 😓 but hes always so calm and collected, so seeing him with such an expression made him seem so endearing

you would apologize and hed just wave you off with a chuckle (which made that organ in your chest thump louder than it shouldve), but you have to wonder.. when was his soda even shaken up??

you had a sneaking suspicion he did it on purpose, but for what?? to make you laugh? you didnt wanna get too ahead of yourself, but you wouldnt put it past him

the type of person to sacrifice his own dignity to get someone to loosen up, that was the kang taehyun you observed ♥️

the next few sessions incorporated small breaks in between, which you noticed usually happened when you got stuck and overly frustrated.

by the end of these breaks though, youd always be laughing or smiling to yourself, mind cleared from any fog

he made you less stiff in various ways, doodling crude drawings, telling you embarrassing stories, all of the works!! it felt nice, and you felt almost special to be seeing him like this...

during the fifth session, he would talk to you about his magic tricks!!! you had expected to be doing origami or drinking pure sugar by the machines again, but he suddenly pulled out a whole deck o cards

the way he spoke about it and demonstrated them made your pulse quicken.. he just looked so passionate, so animated and eager

if you stared at him long enough hed offer to teach you some magic, and his eyes would positively light up if you agree

mess up a few times and he would go, "here, let me," and envelop his hands over yours, properly moving them in the correct manner

"can you try it on your own?"

you dont have the heart to say you cant, because as soon as he had touched your skin, your mind blanked entirely 😵‍💫

taehyun also isnt the type to be offset by eye contact either, so when you catch his gaze he holds it and even has the nerve to ask, "what? are you having trouble with something?"

and sometimes he gets too close when explaining stuff and it has you sweating buckets, confused on whether it was his long eyelashes or nose bridge that had you distracted

tbh im not sure you would even be able to confess properly before being rejected indirectly, bc such a person as kang taehyun has a lot of people pining after him

—and hes surely bound to notice one of them, right?

it would be a day free from tutoring when you decide to visit the library to return a couple of books

its almost immediate when you spot taehyuns hair, having gazed at it so many times. you didnt think much of it though, bc taehyun is top of your class, so of course hes in the library!!!

you would turn the corner to say a quick greeting, but stop in your tracks at the sight of him next to another girl—one you didnt recognize from his group of friends

it wasnt a tutoring or study session, no way, there were no textbooks in sight. plus, there were drinks by their side, her beverage and his usual soda, and theyre laughing, flirting—blushing.

a clearer look at her face tells you that you do in fact know her, and shes the vice president with high grades and a pretty face, the one thats practically his only equal.

the greeting you had prepared was swallowed down by your throat

hes so close to her now, and you want to cover your ears, but you hear it anyway—

"do you want to learn a magic trick ive been working on?"

and you dont think youve ever left a building faster than you left that library behind, urging down your tears in the process

⌗ huening kai!!

long bc i am in l-word with him and i want to h*ld his h*nd 🤢

the boy you stared at sometimes during your teachers ramblings. you swear its bc youre zoning out and hes just,, there

—but when he smiles your heart does a small pitter patter and it doesnt feel healthy.. ヾ(´･･｀｡)ノ his lips curves in such a way that makes your eyes widen slightly bc wow, fuck, are you an angel?

incidentally, youve also accidentally made eye contact with him during some of these moments, and always does he look away first

it feels like puppy love, and you almost tell yourself its a mutual crush, but youve never really spoken to him have you?

its a seating change that gets the both of you closer, bc who would actually approach first??

you didnt think much of it when your teacher made you all pull numbers for seats, but then he plopped his backback down on the chair next to you

and all so suddenly does your heart skip, hop scotch, and reverse all at once

you tell yourself to act casual, cool, level headed and introduce yourself

"hello, my name is [name] [l. name]. i hope we can get along."

you applaud yourself, mentally giving your back a dad-worthy clap in pride—but oh fuck, you said all of that without making eye contact

thankfully, huenings the type of boy to just laugh (albeit a bit awkwardly) and introduce himself back, and he does just that

first stage: cleared!! but.. whats the second stage?? youre not sure....

the boys a great seat mate though, not raucous or painfully oblivious to his surroundings like the other boys in your class

hes a bit clumsy, but its somehow a part of his charm ♥️

he also drops his pencil and desk supplies frequently, most of the time to simply twirling his pencil around or knocking things off with his arm nd elbow

once, you mustered enough courage to be the helpful deskmate! and pick it up for him, but his hand was faster than yours

—which, ended with your palm on top of his, and with an embarrassing squeak you had to pull it off hastily

he gave you a glance and a smile that sent your face into a hot blaze, uttering a small "thank you," even though you technically didnt even do anything except squeak (oh god)

if you ever lose your textbook or forget it for a day, he is always willing to share (that whole cutesy desks together thing, looking over at each other to see if theyre done reading) 📖

—actually, hes willing to just give up his whole textbook entirely

youve compared him to an angel before, because theyre both known for their innocuous demeanor and infinitely generous personalities, and its fairly true

your teacher was very strict with forgetfulness, constantly reminding your classmates that it isnt a trait that should be common among young adults such as yourself, so sharing textbooks was still frowned upon in your classroom

instead, students would be basically publicly humiliated before being sent out of the classroom to grab an extra textbook from the library 😓.. jerk

when you had rummaged through your bag and found nothing, you had already resigned yourself to being scolded like a 5 yr old like many others were before you

but all of a sudden, a coy hand slides that hardcover book you oh so dreaded seeing (but needed) over to your desk

you glanced at him like he just offered to sacrifice himself into a volcano for your sake, and he just simply smiled at you and sent you a cute wink like (^_-)☆

before you can even think of giving it back to him, your teachers voice cut off any coherent thoughts you couldve formed

"huening kai, correct? wheres your textbook, mr huening?"

"ah," he smiled sheepishly, standing up from his desk. "i forgot it today, sir."

the angry old man rant from your teacher lasted 5 mins minimum before huening was sent for his walk of shame to the library

and when he made it to halls, he caught your eye again, and sent you an impish grin that set your heart aflame

oh god, huening kai is a boy. thats not good, not good at all, because now hes not just an angel.. hes a boy with a strangely heart thumping mischievous streak to him

also if youre noticeably down, hes all more than willing to doodle in the corner of your notebook, accompanied by words of encouragement and later a juice box on your desk :')

return the doodles and it might develop into games of tic tac toe, and then childish hand games—but huening kai is cheater

how youre able to cheat in simple juvenile games like that, youre not entirely sure, but he managed to do it anyway and giggles innocently when you catch him

youd always let him off and the cheater goes and does it again, but it doesnt matter too much as youre too caught up in his laughter to care

being next to him also warrants much more opportunities to stare at his face, or more so just glance at it

hes got a sixth sense or smthng, always being able to catch your eye and make you smile awkwardly before turning back to your desk ^^;

but even with all these small moments, it doesnt feel real—maybe like youre still in a pipe dream, hoping for him to like you, when all of your friends tell you that he clearly does

so when you go to enter your classroom in the morning, hoping to maybe get an answer that day, you had to stop short

not because of anxiety or nervousness, no, because you could hear his voice casually deny any crush on you to your classmates

"[name]? oh no, the both of us are just friends. shes cool and all though, you should talk to her sometime too!"

his tone was kind, full of friendly cheerfulness that made you somehow sick. never once did you think hearing him with a smile would make you feel this way.

it couldnt have been a misunderstanding, because why would he say it so normally if it werent true, right?

you entered the classroom, saying your usual greeting to him (he smiled and said good morning), and you almost immediately had to leave to the clinic—because you couldnt take the normalcy

your teacher sent you off with a quick message to not stray and mess around in the hallways, and you stood up to leave

but before you can make it a foot away from your desk, huenings hand caught onto your wrist

"are you feeling ok?" he whispered, concern clearly laced in his eyes. your head ached more, and your shoulders felt heavier than ever

"im fine," you said back, pulling his hand off your skin. it burned. "ill be back soon."

you fully planned to ditch the class, spending the period rotting under the clinic bed sheets until you no longer felt nauseous

how was the read?? did u enjoy it? i always listen to feedback, so if u have any writing advice or want to be friends, im always here :D

[zelink-and-loz]

hc dump (mostly botw)

some of these are imagine your otp things i found on tumblr btw!! or inspired by them at least! not all ideas here are entirely mine... but mostly they are originals ^^ feel free to be inspired by these :>

most of the ones that refer to zelda and Link as they/thems are from imagine your otp prompts!

help Zelda subtly flirting and Link taking a moment to realize she's flirting and then just being like 'ᵒʰ'

post calamity Link is blunt and honest about being in love with zelda and she gets so flustered about it

wheras pre-calamity link is flustered and shy about anything LIKE flirting

Headcannon that Link got the master sword and almost immediately named it Fi (he never told anyone though.) he just sort of felt that that was what it was meant to be called. Like how i hc he knows Saria's song but not how he knows it or where it came from.

mxmtoon’s ‘Better than u’ is If revali was a song

revali is gay for link you cant convince me otherwise

link is oblivious to this fact though (really only urbosa notices lmao)

hc  that Zelda bought a kalimba once bc she thought it was cool & it looked pretty and Link thought it was really neat so he tried to play it & he played saria's song on it pErfectly and he has no idea how (but sarias song is weird and at this point he just sort of accepts it) and he teaches himself Zelda's Lullaby bc he knows its important to her somehow & she wakes up while he’s playing once & shes so touched and every now and then when shes feeling down he'll play the kalimba for her. 

and when she cant sleep he always plays zelda's lullaby and it always helps

o v e r p r o t e c t i v e   Link because he has anxiety... Link with ptsd... Skyward Sword Link having extreme self esteem issues after the whole thing with Impa... Link but he has ISSUES

but seriously im obSESSED with Skyward sword link having major self esteem issues after the whole thing w/ impa 

and then after the events of the game Zelda helps him get over it!!!!!!!

ok hc that they each remember every single (accidental or purposeful) time they flirted w eachother if it was accidental they usuall y realize it between like a minute and a week later but they p much always realize it also they really hope that the other doesnt remember bc that would be EMBARRASING and (getting into possible au territory here bc i STILL DONT KNOW IF THEY HAD TIME TO CATCH U P POST CALAMITY >:( STILL ANGERY ABUOT THAT LIKW WHEN IS BOTW 2 GONA COEM OUT ND HAND ME THE TASTY LORE) post-calam link talks abt p much ALL of those moments when he tells zelda what he remembers and shes like 'wtf he remembres that  skndnvbdvtlghtfw'

like when they call the other cute or hot or say sometging sappy

omg he also tells Zelda abt how Urbosa kept teasing him abt her and shes like 'LMAO THATS WHY YOU TOLD ME TO MAKE HER STOP GIVING U DARES' (bc urbosa always dared him to kiss zelda or tell her he loved her or something stupid likr that bc urbosa 10000% shipped them so like shut up im 109% right)

i love Zelda and Urbosa's relationship so much... Urbosa is likr a very cool aunt but also a mother figure but also a best friend to Zelda and her callig Zelda little bird bc thats what zelds' mother called her before she died...when i think about it sassy muscle woman is so sad she probably tells Zelda about her mother bc Urbosa and Zelda's mom were like. besties or whatever before Zelds' mom died also the cutscene where Urbosa is sitting with Zelda and Zelda is fallen asleep and Urbosa tells link to make sure she stays safe... muscle woman makes me feel sad 

but also shes sassy and funny!!! immediately after the heartfelt moment where she told link to take care of zelda or whatever she said i dont remember exactly, she wakes zelda up by making thunder in the distance and then laughs at Zelda lmfao 

ALSO SHES SEEN LINK GIRLBOSSING IN THE GERUDO WOMAN OUTFIT LMFAO 

You know she told him he was slaying in that outfit 

 you KNOW IT 

Zelda canonically never saw him in it but i want to know what her reaction would be shed probably like laugh and tell him he looked cute and then hed be all embarrassed like o///o but also inside hed be so happy like OMG OMG OMG SHE THINKS IM CUTE dOES SHE REALLY MEAN iT

Link is able to play Sarias song on any instrument even if he doesnt know how to play the instrument at all. just instinctually

like he'll play sarias song perfectly anf then not be able to make a decent note come out lmao

but he taught himself how to play the kalimba because. he likes it

OK SO they're in a carraige anf some Yiga attacked it anf while he was fighting they hurt him and almos t got to Zelda so he shook as all hell (and also ADRENALIN E RUSH his body doesnt realize theyre safe and done fighting yet. probably bc he doesnt quite beleive that lmao-) and he just needs some chill. ᴮᵘᵗ ʰᵉ ᵖʳᵒᵖᵃᵇˡʸ ⁿᵉᵉᵈˢ ˢᵒᵐᵉ ˢˡᵉᵉᵖ So Zelda's sitting next to him anf after a few minutes of watching him sort of freakinf out and beig all jittery and fidgety (also he keeps touching the master sword bc. i hvae a hc that it comforts him. Fi sword Fi sword) Zelds just reaches over and pulls him closer to her and puts her hands over his ears anf tells him to chill out like "hey. you're alright. we're both ok. you need to calm down... and maybe take a nap." anf he starts breathinf more slowly and he stops fidgeting anf eventualy he closes his eyes and he falls asleep anf leans his head on Zelds' shoulder He wakes up when they get near the castle but he doesnt sit up until just before the (whatever u call the dude that opens the door for important ppl) opens the door. Anf he doesnt tell her btu hes really grateful for her helpinf him calm down bc the few times before whne he got like that (whne he was younger, before he became tge appointed knight) hed just had to wait for it to go away 

childhood trauma go brrr

ok so Post-calam link is telling zelda abt dreams he remembers (from pre-calam) and hes like 'im pretty sure i dreamed we were gonna get married, and then i woke myself up because i didnt think you could ever want to.' and shes like '..why wouldnt i?' and he just shrugs anf moves closer to her and leans his head on her shoulder 

lmfao precalam link would have been an absolute blushinf MESS if shed said shit like that back then

first time they were riding in a carraige together, Link sat between Zelda and Urbosa instead of between Zelda and King Rhoam or standing on the other side of the carraige, and Urbosa assumed it was because he didnt trust her (which she was not pleased about bc shes very close to zelda anf always has been and shes probably one of the people you could trust the MOST) but after a while she notices that he's actually just uncomfortable with the King. But still wants to be with Zelda. Urbosa definitely feels better abt it after that bc. he trusts her more than the actual king of hyrule

Ganon giving Link horrifying and super exadgerated nightmares about him (Ganon) dying in horrifying ways because when he died is a good song and i like lemon demon. also maybe about alt timeline links dying?

also?? 'when he died an endless age of untold nightmares would be nigh, and the blood would make the seas run red.' sounds suspiciously like what Demise said when SSLink killed him... also the bit abt the drawing of the clown with the date on the back could be a drawing by young Link (oot)

Link knows morse code and occasionally says things by tapping the wall or floor or a table. he's usually saying things to zelda although she doesnt know morse code (which he is well aware of) and thinks hes just fidgeting. He usually says stuff like 'i love you' or 'you look pretty' because he's too shy to say them aloud. 

Urbosa taught herself morse code (about a month or so before the calamity) because she realized that that's what he was doing and when she figured out what he was doing she was like 'awwwwwwwwww!!!!!!' and she didn't tell anyone (including him) that she knew what he was saying. 

post-calamity, he's probably retained this habit although he usually does it without thinking and when he notices that he's doing it he'll just say whatever it was out loud. Eventually he'd tell Zelda about it and try to teach her morse code so that whenever he starts doing it she knows what he's saying   

 also whenever someone else is tapping the table or kicking or something he just hears it as 'E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E' or random letters which sometimes annoys him and sometimes he thinks its hilarious

by the way i had this headcannon that without his memories fully intact Link acts different and talks more and i much more confident and comfortable and i found out IT’S ACTUALLY CANNON. MY HEADCANNON IS CANONICAL HELP-- and there is no way i could have seen that information before and just forgotten that i’d seen it because the only place i’ve ever heard about it is in one loz video that quoted something in an official book which i have never read any of the contents of (I WANNA BUY IT SO BAD THO)

ok i was just thinking and the first thought Link had when he woke in the shrine of resurection was probably just 'what' or something along the lines of it. i mean. how would YOU react if a weird disembodied voice woke you from a nice sleep?

his last thought as he passed out before he was taken there can go one of 2 directions. 'well, fuck' or 'i failed' 

i dont like the second one

ok revali hc: Link makes a mug of warm milk and leaves it on the counter and when he comes back after like an hour its empty and hes like >> 'w e r i d' and the next night he decides to make another one anf leave it on purpose this time anf its empty again and the third night he watches from the doorway and it was revali drinking the milk and now every time revali is at the castle Link (at the same time every night) makes him a mug of milk and leaves it out for birdman because he is a good person. OH And when Link gets hurt while Revali is at the castle, Revali goes for his mug of milk anf its not there and he realizes it was Link making it and he gets a little bit gayer inside.

Ravioli is such a dick smh Link stop beinf nice to him 

Link just laying on Zelda's floor staring at her and when she decides to stare back, after like 10 seconds he just sticks his hands out in her direction like '..i can haz hug' And this is completely normal anf she just goes over and pulls him up and drags him over and sits down at her desk again with Link just sitting next to her chair w his head on her leg or something anf she rubs his head while she works. like 80% of the reason he does it is bc hes too tired/lazy to get up but he still wants affection and the rest of the reason is a mix between 'i dont want to force my company on her if she doesnt want me there' and 'will she still do that thing if i do this'

Zelda says 'You're very tiresome, you know..' And Link just makes a confused face and says under his breath '...im not tired' and Zelda bursts out laughing- /srs this isnt joking like a lot of my ‘headcannons’ are this is a legitimate headcannon

CHILD!!!!!!!!!!!!! Link!! and child Mipha! litle tiny fish girl zoomin around pretending to be an ambulance (i know there arent any ambulances but fuck you maybe theres carraiges with sirens) she notices he’s hurt and runs over anf fixes his scratch or his bruise or whatever w/ her magic and then she s just like 'wee woo wee woo' and runs around the kingdom some more looking for anyone else hurt (but keeping an eye on Link and mostly staying nearby him)

i love child link and mipha,,, 

(zelink is still better tho sorry fishwife)

zelda calling link goblin/gremlin as like an affectionate little nickname

hekp zelda stroking the back of links hand anf its kinda numb so its that weirdly pleasant soft and knid of tickly feeling and hes just like O//--//O

slightly weird one imo but i absolutely *love it* anyways so fuck you

ok but link stretching like a cat and zelda being so amused by it. i love this

  Imagine Zelds buying some mistletoe, hanging it up in their house, and then trying with increasingly less subtlety as time goes on to get Link underneath it so they can steal a kiss, while Link remains blissfully oblivious, and somehow manages to miss all of Zelds’s hints. 

 would be later in their relationship obvi

Link has gone through some form of major trauma and abuse while Zelda wasn’t able to help. Months after Link is safe again, they continue to have nightmares and flashbacks to the event and find it hard to trust people anymore. Zelds is heartbroken but slowly helps Link learn to love again and be themself.

LITERALY THIS ONE IS SKYWARD SWORD LINK THOUGH???????????????

my hc about him having awful self esteem :0

After a long day, Link sleepily crawls into bed with Zelda, who is absorbed in a book. Link lays their head on Zelda’s shoulder, and occasionally reads a page of Zelds’ book while lapsing into a deep sleep. Once Zelds finds out Link is asleep, they gently lay Link down, cover them, and turn out the light.

Zelds sitting cross-legged on the couch with a pile of bows and hair ties in their lap, messing with Link’s hair, while Link is sitting on the floor, laughing at Zelds’s antics.

Link is in a bad mood and is mumbling a list of things they don’t like about themself under their breath. Zelds notices and chimes in with a way longer list of things they like/love about Link.

ok so i added more to this and also did it once with each of them because it’s just?? good

ok so first one hed be like whispering to himself and curled up or something by himself and Zelda finds him and hears what hes saying and softly starts listing the good things about him and she hugs him and then i cry because AAAAAAAAAAAAA /pos

Zelda is in a bad mood and is mumbling a list of things they don’t like about themself under their breath. Link notices and chimes in with a way longer list of things they like/love about Zelds.

second one, Zelda is working feverishly and whispering problems and she just sort of spirals into problems and things she doesnt like about herSELF and how her powers arent working and whats gonna happen if she cant pull herself together and figure out whats wrong and Link is there but she sort of forgets and the first thing he says is related to whatever she's just said (saying its wrong) and then shes like 'wait hes here i forgot  and he slowly starts listing other things and eventually hes just quickly and steadily listing things he likes about her and after like 3 or 4 minutes she just pulls him up into a hug and he cuts off like '!!!' but when hes stops being startled he just relaxes and enjoys the hug and he doesnt realize but Zelds........REALLY needed that. like. he knows she needed it but she REALLY needed that she was losing it

child link & mipha one!!!! Link has scars on their back/shoulders/arms (prob from fighting, being clumsy, animals, random stuff) One day Link has their back exposed, and Mipha gives their shoulder a kiss. When Link asks what Mipha is doing, Mipha replies “no one has ever kissed them better before, so I’m doing it now.” 

the children </3

but zelink is better sorry mipha

Zelda is up late at night, trying to figure something out or studying, when Link comes up from behind them with a cup of tea, gives them a hug, and tells them good night.

i'm! sobbing! 

Zelda learns a bit of kalimba music offers to teach Link how to play, unaware that Link is already a fairly talented kalimba player himself. Link accepts so he has an excuse to spend time with Zelds but gets discovered one day when Zelda wakes up to him playing Saria's song and then Zelda's lullaby 

 SO BASICALLY MY HC BUT LIKE WITH MORE SETUP 

also it was piano in the prompt thing but i edited it bc it was too perfect

Link wakes up in the middle of the night, shaking, breathing heavily, maybe even crying. Zelds wakes up as well, immediately knows what is happening and starts cuddling Link.

Link just chilling out or pouting or something likr that and just sitting somewhere, and Zelda coming along and seeing him and just randomly deciding to give him a hug and he's surprised (hes usually the one bothering her for attention or hugging her randomly) but ofc he enjoys it and when she lets go hes like 'what did i miss?' and she just chuckles and says 'nothing.' and he gives her a second shorter hug and decides to go take a nap.

the nap has no significance to the hc he just takes naps a lot

OMG Link has a little mini garden thing in a clearing in some woods near the castle with like 4 plants that he just found next to eachother and one that he moved (just random little wildflowers) and he takes care of them for at least like 15 minutes every day (unless something important is happening) and Zelda notices him leaving to go take care of them one day and shes like 'wher e is he goinf' because he hasnt told anyone and she sees him gardening and just sits down (he has his back to her anf hes not paying attention bc hes focused on the flowers) anf he turns around anf goes  and shes like 'ᵗʰᵉʸ'ʳᵉ ᵛᵉʳʸ ᵇᵉᵃᵘᵗᶦᶠᵘˡ' and Link just goes 

'...ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏˢ' 

and he finishes gardening and they walk home together

BONUS, next time Link gets badly hurt or sick she's getting ready to leave and links like 'where are you going?' and shes like 'im gonna go check on your garden' and hes like 'oh make sure you dont water joans too much' and shes like 'what????' and he goes 'oh thats the orange and blue one' and then he starts telling her about all his plants and their names and internally shes like 'omg this is so cute' and she listens to him talk for like 40 minutes about his plants (he probably has like 7 or something by then) and then he gets tired and shes like 'go to sleep little goblin' and he does and she does her best to take care of the plants how he does. They dont die or anything they end up being ok that time and every time that he gets confined to bed (or stays in her room resting which is much more common) for more than 2 days she'll go check on his garden and water it.

also the extra stuff is longer than the actual hc. what 

Zelda is having a really tough/exhausting/just generally bad day. Link can tell just by looking at them, so when Zelds is busy with their work/activity, Link runs and gets Zelds nice smelling things like flowers and stuff, a blanket, and a mug of milk (he doesnt know how to make anything else lmao). Link shows up like “I know you’ve had a bad day and it’s part of my job to make sure you’re okay” and Zelds just sorta stands there like “how did I get so lucky.” 

and probably gives him a hug

Link and Zelda go to a bookstore and Link has *no* interest in books and stuff but he pretends he cares and tries to show interest. He's mostly just really happy to see Zelds enjoying herself.

i’m probably gonna do a second one of these with writing prompts and stuff!! i have 2 channels in my discord server for headcannons and writing prompts and stuff but i get carried away with my headcannons a lot and end up making them super long so some of these probably belong in the prompts/writing one instead... (looking at ths gardening one specifically lmao) but!! im lazy! :D hope you liked reading this, and hopefully the misspelling isnt TOO bad lmao. ..................this is so long help

[voidselfshipp]

A Heart Of Ashes

Chapter 2

Pt1.

Its around half past eight, jerico wondered if stoker was still in the laboratory.

So she put on her boots and Walked to said laboratory.

Though.. the place was huge, it felt like a maze,and listening to her gut feeling,she got there,after a good fifteen minutes.

--Hey stoker

The british Man stopped mixing two chemicals togheter, and Turned to the door, a smile crossed his lips under his mask,but you could hear it in his tone as he said--Ah...you again...how delightfull, Oh do be careful of the napalm...tricky stuff

--Ill be mindful of that--she Walked right past the unarmed molotov grenades--Watcha working on?

--Just some upgrades for these old girls, oh Grab a pair of goggles and some rubber gloves if you stick around, wouldnt want to cause any accidents

Jeri nodded and snatched the closest of those ítems, she casually hovered over stokers shoulder who finished mixing the two chemicals,only for them to explode into a dark cloud of nothingness.

--Ah horse raddish...

By the way he left both mixing tubes on the table she noticed her companion was frustrated.

She patted his back softly--How about we get something to eat, maybe you need to take some fresh air

Stoker stood there to think about it for a bit, then nodded --Yeah...thatd be wonderfull

--Great,lets go!

During their walk however, Someone stopped them.

--Hey! So youre the New guy huh?

The british Man sighed in annoyance,crossing his arms--Oh do bugger off phantom, we have places to go

--ey ey relax Man, I just want to take a moment to greet our New recruit--phantom Turned to jerico-- heard you were dangerous huh? I like that in a woman

Suddenly, Harold felt his blood boil, as jeri couldnt help but giggle at the cheesy pickup lines.

In a stupid fit of jealousy,he grabbed his lighter and pressed the flame against phantoms pants, who in a matter of seconds lit afire, he then with a mischevious smile Turned to jerico-- tell me....can you smell something Burning...? Oh its probably nothing,lets go dear, im starving

He put an arm around jeri and Walked her away as phantom ran around in circles, blissfully unaware of this sunstorm just shrugged it off.

--Did you just really burnt phantoms pants so he would stop talking to jerico?-- ember asked, arms crossed as both grabbed their food.

--well he was making her unconfortable!

--Dont make excuses for yourself Harold I know you

The Man sighed letting his shoulders fall--okay maybe I have a crush on her what about it....

Ember started to laugh--Thats adorable Harold, I wish you the best of luck --She patted his back.

During dinner Ember politely excused herself,leaving both veterans to talk.

--So--stoker started without a clear topic to talk about--Youre a veteran?

-- I am,Ive seen a lot of fucked up shit I tell you that

He chuckled and nodded in agreement--war, how do the kids put it ,ah yes, fucking sucks

--It really does,you loose Friends, people youre closed...and you never know

--If youll end up coming home to them--both meet eachothers gaze--i know the feeling quite well...

Both smile, and talk softly about their time in the military.

Stoker decided to pack up his little science proyect and walk around the bases courtyard with jerico, the moon shine brightly, and both strolled down calmly.

--I remember this one time, me and my Dad were leaders of two different squadrons,you had to see the soldiers faces when they realize their commander was my dad....it was hilarious,specially because we look nothing alike

--Hmm, May I inquire as to why?

--Dad adopted me when I was a kid, and we really look nothing alike,and well, when training, my old Man is very harsh and strict, I tend to be that one godsend seargeant who cuts some slack on the soldiers, its quite funny really

The brit laughed and nodded--yes it is

--And how about you?, whats your story ?

He took a deep breath,and put his hands behind his neck--Well,I used to be a squadron I had to make a rough decision,and I did it,thankfully nobody had to die that day,except For the bad guys of course

And they spend the night talking about their anecdotes,laughing, and comforting eachother.

--mind if I Scort you to your room?

--Not at all

Stoker giggled and put an arm around jerico,And both Walked into the building in silence, the whole place was quiet, aside from some who spent the night playing videogames and their rage screams could be heard from outside their room

When they arrived though,jeri took Harolds hand--Dont you want to spend the night here?,your room is on the other side of the building

--Oh I dont want to bother

--You dont,come on in

He sighed and nodded, taking off his jacket.

--I have a spare matress under my bed,i can sleep there

--What?,no way, I shoundt Rob You the comforts of your bed...

--Harold just take it

--Ill take the spare matress thats what ill take

Both stared at eachother,before sighing--Sharing?

--Sharing

Without much time wasted they got into the bed,their backs facing eachother.

--You wont take that mask off for sleeping?

--No, I wont

She sighed --You cant sleep like that

--Yes I can

She knew it wasnt her place to Keep demanding--Will you sleep comfortably?

A soft smile appeared on the Mans face--Yes, dont worry about me,now go get some sleep okay?

--You too.....goodnight

--Sweet dreams...

Ember groaned,facepalming.

This needed to stop.

--Oh you look so lovely today--stoker said softly elbowing jerico in the ribs, who then chuckled.

--And you look quite handsome too

Theyve been flirting like this for the entire day, ember was about to knock them both out....she couldnt take more of this mushy crap.

--oh I thought for a moment I found to emeralds....turns out it was just your eyes...--Harold said with his masks cheek resting on his hand.

Jericos cheeks turn baby Pink and both softly chuckle.

--If you two lovebirds are done, the guys at the kitchen need help on the cooler--vera said--its not working....

Both sighed and nodded.

However as both worked on the inside of the industrial Cooler, the door closed leaving them in pure darkness, aside from Jers phone lantern.

--Damnit...--stoker tried to Open the door to no avail...

And so they sat there in darkness.

-- d damn-- Harold said curling into a ball-- its cold here...

Jer, who was a natural heater, sat closer to him--I think I have an idea,but I need you to sit properly

--W what are y you planning to do?--He straightened his legs and his cheeks Turned red as he felt her sit on his lap and hug him-

-Like this we wont loose heat...

She was, oddly warm...how?.

Whatever questions he had, his survival was first so he hugged her, and hugged her tightly, feeling the warmth return to his body.

--Thats a whole lot better...thanks awfully..

--Dont mention it...

And after that day, they couldnt get enough of it ,everywhere was a good place to cuddle, while eating, after training,during briefings.

Everyone was losing their minds over how clingy both were.

Their feelings for eachother were so painfuly obvious...

And now, after a particular rough mission, jerico and stoker were cuddling in his room.

He pressed his mask against her back.

--Im just glad youre okay...--she whispers.

--Im just glad to be with you here--he answers back.

Though she was too tired to even try and comprehend what he said, so she nuzzled closer and smiled..

Soon enough she'll tell him.

She was glad to be by his side, and being able to hold him like that..and Him..well, he was happy to return to her in one piece.

[chezforshire]

AU where marceline is the school's local harana for hire she writes quick songs for anyone who wants to have a song sung for anyone for whatever reason they want

It's usually a lot of love songs (she's gotten tired of this really fast) but sometimes she gets requests for songs for friends

Anyway, Lady and Jake help her out with this business by making bouquets and playing along with her respectively. And Bon is usually just someone she bounces ideas with cause Marce may know so many people, but there's still a number of rich prissy losers that Bon knows and that's usually her clients. Also, Bon loves getting to stretch her writing skills.

(Though she's also pretty tired of love songs)

Marce gets a commission one day to make a song for Bon and she just kinda. Stares at it. Her clients aren't anonymous. Well, not usually. A lot of her songs are made from shared memories and the small percent made from flowery words are usually douchelords who are too confident about their place to think they'd need anonymity in case of rejection.

So when she sees that this one didn't have a name she was a little... confused. There was also the fact that Bon is notorious for saying no to everyone who tries to ask her out. And not in a way where friends tell friends this, but more of she said no to a guy who payed the whole school to get in on his grand plan to ask her out

(Even Marce tho it wasn't for a song. It was more of he asked her to drive Bon to school at a specific time. She obviously told Bon this but they didn't have a lot of time to talk about it bc the guy texted everyone their roles literally on midnight and wired the cash after sending the message.

A little worrying how he not only got everyone's number but also everyone's bank account. She and most of her friends changed phones then bc that was creepy as all hell)

She doesn't tell Bon. Not because of some customer confidentiality or whatever but because... Well she doesn't really know. It just made her irrationally irritated and sad. Odd.

She takes far longer than usual to reply to this. She doesn't understand the hesitation. Or maybe she does? Bon has called her a bleeding heart a million times and she guesses thats the reason. She feels bad for them and doesn't want to watch another person who put in effort be rejected. Yeah that's it. She should tell him that. Maybe they were new or something. It'll be fine, plus they didn't want a full song so they werent paying much. Yeah, that sounds like a game plan.

The next day she says yes and wonders all day why she did that

For about a month she keeps this commission to herself. She spaces out more than usual during this time. Not quite disassociating, just staring into space and thinking.

Bon isn't worried bc this is usually how she gets when she's got a song in the works. She needles her about what it is and who it's for, but she generally deflects and at some point just straight up lies and says some random names.

She also learns more about her client. They're not new, they've actually known Bon for about 3 to 5 years. They're pretty close apparently and actually knows Marce personally. Theyve talked several times and have hung out here and there too. (That sure didn't make her anxiety and paranoia skyrocket)

She feels a lot of anxiety and worry and trepidation and god other irrational shit about this commission. She doesn't really tell anyone (something her therapist, or Bon more importanly Bon, would frown at) so she's just left to wallow about it on her own. She tries working on it as much as she can but it just feels... wrong somehow. She doesn't really get it but she feels like she'll lose something because of this. She doesn't get it. She knows they'll be rejected and they'll all laugh at it in the end and just.

What is it. What's wrong.

She feels a tap on her shoulder and she almost falls off her bed. Jake's apparently been trying to talk to her for a solid minute and oh jeez now he's got that Worried Big Brother look.

He peers at her and asks what's wrong and not-so-subtly threatens that he'll stay and use his Big Brother mode on her if she tries to lie to him

She just sighs heavily and curls up

"Someone commissioned a suicide mission"

Jake makes an 'o' with his mouth. Theyve always called anyone who tried to flirt with Bon a suicide mission and laughed pretty hard at it. Even Bon calls the poors souls who try suicide missions.

She uncurls a bit and faces Jake with a small smile, ready to laugh with him about it as she should. But for some reason Jake just... Looks at her with this worried look. Not his patented Im-Worried-For-You-Little-Sibling but more of one would give to a friend when they know something they don't.

Marce laughs, shakey and unsure. "What? S'not like this doesn't happen. It's Bon, ya know? The sweatheart of the school." With a mean streak that rivals the devil, she adds quietly- fondly- in her head.

Jake just nods slowly. He drags his eyes away from her and stares at her wall, eyes unfocused.

Marce starts having a bit of a panic because what is that face, why is Jake acting like this, is there somethin on her wall, wait does he know the client, is he friends with the client, is he the client, w-

Jake flops his short, chunky body on her bed and pulls her to lay down too. Roughly, might she add. And not to mention absolutely unexpected.

He's smiling again, big and all teeth. It twitches for a second when he makes eye contact but bounces back so quick she thinks she might have imagined it.

"Ha! You're gonna write for a suicide mission this is hilarious!" He makes a move to ruffle her hair and she just starts flailing to avoid this. "Man! I haven't seen one in a while so this'll be fun at least. Something else to keep us busy other than those stupid douchefucks who thinks a song is a sure fire way to get laid."

Marce is confused but doesn't question this sudden change. Plus it actually helps? She snickers -because no, she doesnt giggle she is cooler than that- at the thought of watching the client be rejected before Marce can even pull out her guitar.

"Yeah, threw me off like hell cause Bon is practically legendary but hey apparently there are still some brave souls out there."

"Oh dude, I've got a great ass idea," Jake sits up and leans on his elbows, "Let's keep this a secret from princess. Oh and Lady cause you know she cant keep anything from her."

Marce kinda laughs at this in confusion. "Uh what? Why? If you haven't noticed my services include a bouquet and unless you've learned flower language I dont think we can take Lady outta the equation."

He snorts "I may not know flowers, but I know my girlfriend. I can just be vague and she'll take it as a challenge and try to make the perfect bouquet. S'no problem on that front.

"I figured we could keep it a secret so we can see Bon's pure and raw reaction. Like I said, there hasn't been a suicide mission in a looooong while so she probably doesn't expect this. And it'll be way more funny cause someone commissioned you for it. Where it is no secret that a) you do this and b) you get help from the three of us."

"You got a point there detective. Bur fair warning, Bon will be giving us the stink eye for days if we do this. Especially me because she's my thesaurus and metaphor maker. You know how she loves taking credit for making them sound like a stupid romance novel."

"Psh, she loves you to hell and back. She'll just pout at you for a while and when you buy her her favourite candy it'll be right as rain."

Okay, that sounded valid but at the same time Marceline kind of shut down after Jake said Bon loves her so uh she guesses she'll just trust that it'll be fine?

" 'nother idea," Jake says softly. He's looking at he- actually. No he's not looking at her, hes just looking her way but his eyes are just. Not there.

"Uh, shoot"

"Make this song the best you've ever made."

Marceline laughs for a second before she realizes okay wait Jake is serious about that. What. Why the fuck would she do that.

He shrugs and smiles again. Soft and pitying -what why why is Jake acting like this what the fuck- and he gestures around a bit before speaking.

"Well, first off it'll be good practice for you. You've been workin with Bon for about as log as you've been doing this so think of this as a test to see how you are now on your own.

"Second, well ya gotta admit if you pull out a banger and Bon actually likes it it'll be way funnier cause you can sing it and she'll look all annoyed but you can see that her tapping her foot and bobbing her head. It'll be funny for everyone involved.

"And lastly," Jake takes a deep breath before speaking, as if this is one of the toughest things he's done in a while. "Call it a father's intuition."

She stares at him. She- she doesn't know hwo to react to that.

After a second, Jake cracks a soft smile and "Did you get Lady pregnant, you fucking askal" just slips out of her mouth.

Jake laughs loud and boisterous at this and Marce just follows.

Yeah, she might as well make this the best one she's ever made. The client won't get the girl, but at least she can make her like it

[ringtailes]

mafia &/or 1950s AU w/ mccree if you want !! or any of your other f/os!!! ✨

I truly wasnt expecting any ask tbh but thank you omg... So! In the Mafia Au i can absolutely see Jesse and Ashe co-running it, she handles the east coast he handles the west! Now if you know my stupid hopeless romantic ass, then you know im absolutely going with the whole "flirty person trying to impress their L/I and the L/I not Having It." Trope, like its abt the ESCALATION from Slight Curiosity to full on PINING okay. Perhaps some times he manages to be in the right place at the right time... all coincidence of course... totally not because he happens to be taking care of business in the same town/city/whatever I live in.... Assuredly I would def get more and more used to running into the fellow and going from "im going to throw these flirts into a garbage disposal" to "you can act little a flirty....as a treat..." but still be absolutey in denial abt ever reciprocating any kind of positive feeling JGBSBGNSBG Actual HC wise: I would run a small art place type thing (like selling crafts/having fun little classes...living the dream i wont irl BFMSBDN) and he has no business reason to be IN THERE or anything but he always buys SOMETHING so i cant just be Mean to him but we both know im Glaring at him w a small frown which to him looks abt as scary or mean as a Pomeranian barking at you.

as for the 1950s/Greaser AU, he would absolutely be the troublemaker BUT IM his best friend who while does not Condone the troubles in ANYWAY still goes with him to do the stupid shit in case he gets hurt and or needs help. There is CONSTANT "im patching you up and is it just me or is this like. really intimate rn" vibes and the tension is LITERALLY so thick but neither of us bring it up  LSKDFJSLKDJF me because oh im probably just reading it wrong duh and him bc IM a dumbass who cant tell WHATS GOING ON and he doesnt wanna ruin our friendship by bringing some Important Feelings also PLEASE know, that any time he causes trouble by directly egging a house or whatever, he absolutely does the arm grab and run thing even if im already running but for that he would just grab my hand uwu but also lifting me and quickly getting onto the motorcycle to get the fuck outta there is also a thing!! thank u again anon, bc now i have....some Ideas [eye emoji]

[zepdeans]

there’s not a lot I can say about s3 that hasn’t already been said (and articulated 200x better) but! here are some of my (albeit dumb) thoughts :~)

ep1 -isak leaning against the bathroom wall gets me EVERY time its such a powerful scene esp introducing you to s3 and tarjei..... spare some talent for the rest of us please -LiTeN gUtTeN fRa StRaNgEr tHiNgS -isak rly ties his pants w a shoelace...... -isak noticing even for the first time bc of his laugh.. whew.... also. i love this intro SOOO much bc its so non-monumental? theres no dramatic music or whatever but its not subtle.... like you know right away o shit love interest!! hello sir!! bc isak’s expression watching him :’) i could go on -isak is a bad liar HOWEVER this only applies to stupid nontrivial things e.g. the black sweatshirt. but when you look at him lying about like, his sexuality, he hides that shit well -”c00l” isak. i hate u so much -honestly all u have to do is look at even for .2 seconds and u can tell this boy has had a crush for a solid month bc he just looks awestruck (HOWEVER henrik’s acting is *chef’s kiss* bc its subtle enough to go undetected b4 you actually know eVEN SAW HIM ON THE FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL) -even isak and emma all sitting on the bench together is funny enough on its on but then a song called threeway comes on and like. julie sdshjsfdjfkjskd ep2 -there’s something so endearing about even’s handwriting idek what -i LOVE even’s video w mikael it reveals so much about him to us- how weird (ok we saw how weird he was w the paper towel thing but) and dorky he is? and his love of film! his view on love stories and how he sees the world :( but it also shows a lot abt isak because he saw even making stupid jokes about vladimir putin and was like yeah we about to fall in LOVE love -isak not using headphones to watch even’s video or r+j?? bde or general incompetence what’s the verdict guys -the isak watching r+j scene hits so hard like yall ever think about isak lying in bed at 3am staring at the ceiling probably thinking about how he’s never gonna get a beautiful world-shattering romance like that like ..... also him changing positions skam get out of my life go away ur too realistic -not to make this even more self-projection-y but isak simultaneously being the least emotionally vulnerable person ever but crying during r+j > -i made a post abt this already but even’s INTENSE staring vs isak’s “i have never looked anyone in the eye in my life” gets me it says so much about their characters -even said i see your bde move (asking me to buy you beer) and i raise u with my own (inviting you to my house after faking not having my id) -”if you listen to music” even is such a dick fsdjhsdff -when the message comes on...... i rlly do owe julie my life huh -”have you heard about my rapping?” “I have actually” have we talked about this enough????? 1. isak finally feels comfortable enough w even to flirt and his first move is to RAP for him jesus christ. keep in mind this is the same man who pulled that smooth af ibuprofen line w emma like...... 2. even has heard about isak’s rapping. either this means im-not-on-social-media even went out of his way to go thru homeboy’s instagram OR isak’s rapping is actually talked about. i- -the group chat messages. cant believe i forgot about the 2016 clown epidemic

ep3  -mahdi is a good friend and i love him. thank u -even wearing isak’s cap until he chucks it at him sjksfjsdjsd -how much yall wanna bet isak’s been listening to illmatic on repeat since last friday thinking abt even (even tho meeting sonja shattered his heart a lil) [also kinda an aside but i think a lot about how isak n even bonded over rap and how some homophobic lyrics in 90s etc rap might have impacted them? or how that little detail ties into julie’s story? e.g. halftime by nas, which is on illmatic] -whats worse. even staring into isaks soul wearing a size xs see-through white t shirt or isak staring at even for five (5) seconds before chugging his beer and immediately making out w emma. OR even crashing that party before it can start “i think you guys are bonding too much” cheesy ass shjhfsdhskdf -yall act like evak didnt invent hands. did even shaking isak’s shoulder telling him his apartment is nice mean nothing to u -im convinced robyn wrote call your girlfriend for this scene specifically bc how could anything fit so perfectly by coincidence -is anything better than egging isak on- even bech naesheim (2016) -idk if yall have read the scripts but i love the sock thing so much bc its soo true to how isak thinks and it makes everything so much more interesting and !!!

ep4  -i will never get over even sending isak bad seinfeld memes -even smacking open isak’s locker. first of all whew second of all u think as soon as he got into the stairwell he lowkey cried bc ow -parallel of isak saying “it’s 2016, why are you religious?” to sana vs. emma’s “it’s 2016, get out of the closet” to isak anyone :( -”takk sanasol!!!!” thank u isak for my life -I wanted to be with you aloneeeee -even’s face when he sees the pool like we get it youre a director -how many times do i need to say even is such a dick sjkfsd “does it look like i care about my hair?” “usually but not right now” like this would only work on isak i love soulmates!! -even just.. fully choking isak out ssdhgfd got em -when the first notes of im kissing you start ooh boy -even going in for the kill kiss and isak going from huh to oooo shit and pushing his lips out at the last minute. phenomenal 

ep5 -ngl as soon as im not in love comes on my heart goes uwu bc like!!!! that song the meaNING.... them......... i jus love this scene sm like theyre in their own little bubble and they both feel so comfortable and at peace :((  -even leaving isak comics about an inside joke of theirs like yall mind if i scream -isak feeling left out from the conversation and his friends whew i felt that... and having them talk about how gross it is to makeout with a girl w facial hair?? blease :( -taking stock of isak’s nicknames: issy k, isabell, izzy, baby jesus, -im not even gonna bother trying to articulate thoughts on Pause bc it’s a literal masterpiece. thank u tarjei henrik and julie for inventing television with this one  -MAGNUS SDFKJSDFJKDSHK "oooh my name is Jonas and I love idealism and reading klassekampen and I don’t like plastic and I skate on a skateboard made of sustainable wood and wear old clothes because new clothes are bad for the environment and I only drink recycled water” screAMMM -what i said abt pause also applies to pride ugh its such a powerful scene and!! the beginning of kicks to isaks stomach. honestly what i fucking love about this episode is how it goes from hell yea best day w even ever to crying in the street within one week (s3 had the best balance of angst and payoff thanks) -even’s Soft Party Flannel... forever tainted by this scene rip -not knowing why even kissed sonja keeps me up at night -speaking of. how used and stupid isak must’ve felt when he saw even completely unbothered, hooking up w his ex at this party?? whew :( -bros is one of my all time favourite clips solely bc of the music?? lift me up gives me chills and when hold my liquor starts i LOSE it -ep5 and 6 remind me of that quote “to see what your characters are really made of you have to break them” because julie rlly goes all in and god it hurts so good

ep6 -never have i ever seen insomnia portrayed as accurately as tarjei did here and i remember when i first watched the cantina scene i was like. winded bc its SO true to sleep deprivation whew -i really like that isak wasnt together with even when he reached out for help and came out to jonas. bc it was him, on his own, being strong enough to talk to his friends and then eventually he was confident and secure enough in himself to be in a good place when even started reaching back out!! -i have no idea what its like to come out to someone, to be afraid of your friends rejecting you, everything isak went through. but tarjei’s acting of when, like, you have something you KNOW you have to tell someone, and youve put yourself in the position where youre going to have to tell them, but youre terrified and eventually just force yourself SAY the words??  -and isak’s smile when he realizes jonas is gonna be his bro no matter what :’)))

ep7 -weirdly one of my favourite isak looks (black t-shirt grey snapback c-c-c-combo) -”what’s your name again?” have i mentioned i love sana and isak bc i love sana and isak -jonas truly is the best friend oh man. perceptive, thoughtful, loving, laidback, a friggen BRO. tbh i was wary of him in s1 and thought he didn’t treat eva well (tho I recognized he loved her a lot, he was just bad at being a boyfriend) but jonas in s3?? just goes to show how powerful your perspective of someone can change viewing them in a different role!! because while jonas was a crappy bf, he literally is SUCH an incredible friend and his actions and words and just! him! in s3 completely redeemed any illwill I had towards him :’) -maybe im a little gay (up there with other s3 comedy classics such as “thats a boys name”) -mahdi season WHEN ugh a legend -’when someone asks isak if hes going to a family party’ literally what other reason for living do i have if not to read the boy squad text convos -isaks locker finally opening and his smile at evens drawing whewwwwwww!! also even rlly is that guy who wont text you back but will leave hand written love letters in ur locker -also. another stellar look from valtersen -slutt a meld meg is a whole masterpiece like what other piece of media has the RANGE -eskild: play hard to get. jonas: no smiley!!! isak: nah fam im good B)

ep8 -this episode is BEAUTIFUL bc you feel practically euphoric?? like hell yeah theyre finally together!! isak is out and accepted and even is done with sonja! but theres also this unsettling undercurrent of worry bc you know deep down something isnt right? why is sonja calling isak? why is even acting kinda strange? whats going on? yknow?? -literally never going to get over 5 fine frokner :~) even is such a goddamn nerd and he’s the man of isak’s dreams can u believe!!  -sana’s little speech is SO important in so many ways ooo i love her so much -also have we discussed eskild making evak do a photoshoot for him. highkey those are my favourite pictures of ALL time u can tell even was like hm strange but im down while isak was more omg guys stop🙄 omg haha eskild i cant believe youre making me cuddle with even for a photo🙄 i cant believe ur making me snuggle this dude for a pic!!!! definitely would not have done this otherwise!!! -magnus only realizing it’s THAT even after seeing how isak looks at him. whew -isak is so brave i rlly love that kid! his text to his mamma <3 -no r*make will EVER nail text conversations like mari/julie did w evak’s this week thanks for coming to my ted talk. i'd quote the best ones but it would literally double the length of this post (ok ill cave. “hahaha shut up❤️” GETS me) -you dont know whats in store but you know what youre here for. hallo -isak running around oslo with even’s clothes looking for him :( his heart is so big he cares about even so so much -when Part II (on the run) comes on in the credits its like a kick in the teeth honestly

ep9 -ive already screamed enough about cherry wine but god it fucks me up -cannot put into words how much I love eskild and how good of a person he is, he just has so much love in his heart  -”wait they have waffles here? see ya” -this convo is why i love skam so much!!!! magnus giving insight and good thoughtful advice to isak was such a brilliant move by julie (also truLy heartwarming) bc like. magnus is a flawed layered character! he’s dumb and ignorant and not very careful with his words BUT hes also such a sweet guy. i genuinely dont think he would hurt a fly and him talking about vilde (in ep10) is ;-; bc he really likes her and respects her and wants to be a gentleman! hes so loving and just. yeah. also i wonder if isak and magnus (and vilde) ever talked about having mentally ill parents and lent on each other for support bc like....<3 [sidenote- this is why i HATE b***** like they absolutely massacred magnus’s character and magnus did not deserve that!] -det er bare slutt........ very cool of tarjei to invent acting here. also the character development makes me WEEP like at first isak lied and told his pappa it was over bc its easier to brush stuff off and say you were joking than be vulnerable especially about 1. having a boyfriend and 2. saying youve already broken up?? but then isak was like hey im done with lying about who i am bc i want my life to be REAL and he told his dad the truth even if it was hard and even if he was trying rlly hard not to cry  -isak reaching out to even<3 standing up for even<3 -o helga natt. another scene i genuinely cannot comment on bc u cant really put into any written language how magical and breathtaking and heartbreaking and powerful and brilliant this scene is. so. -jk. obvs i cant say anything intelligent enough to give this scene justice but probably the most stunning piece of television i have ever had the privilege of watching. even’s text breaks my heart every gd time (esp since we never really see this side of him before finding out he’s bipolar? his guilt, insecurity, feeling like a burden, being scared of losing everyone in his life because he thinks he’ll hurt them). the music is SO beautiful i cry real tears as soon as the strings start. also the brilliance of JUST o helga natt playing and no dialogue except for isaks one line? isak’s realization when he sees the cross. him RUNNING across oslo to go to even. the FLASHBACKS all going backwards in chronological order until them smoking on the bench. isak looking at the bench and not seeing even and u can feel his heart breaking and urs breaks too! but then he remembers the bathroom and he turns and theres even and whewwww. du er ikke alene<3

ep10 -minutt for minutt is THE most healing clip im telling u. and like.. seeing even depressed really is hard and as someone who was very very depressed for 4-ish yrs of their life it rlly hits me? like when youre in an especially bad funk and you cant get out of bed and youre just numb and exhausted and feel so shitty and u want to be alone but you really dont???? could go on but literally i owe henrik holm my life for his portrayal of even  -not to be a soft bitch on main but when isak tucks the blanket over even and it keeps getting pulled off his back so isak just. covers that spot with himself? -i do love that call between sonja and isak bc once again! a flawed (realistic) human being -and isak thinking its his fault even is depressed? it means a lot that sonja told him its no ones fault, even is just bipolar. and i wonder if isak felt that way about his mamma as well, guilty for her being ill, and if what sonja said made him feel better about that situation too :( -lowkey random but when isak is rambling really fast and he goes “maybe we’ll get bombed tomorrow and talking about all this is a waste of time” it continually punches me in the throat bc that is /exactly/ how i ramble and think like tarjei........ pls -like eskild said. there really is so much love in isak’s little grumpy teenage body<3 -isak no longer just passively accepting life as its given to him, now he fights for him and even!!!!!  -isak is such a forgiving person and seeing him able to just accept things and move on? incredible -i remember when i first watched ep1 i was like oooo even and isak are gonna be kosegruppa partners and thats when theyll first get together, cooking food or smth!! but lmfao after episode 3? kosegruppa whomst???? also hilarious vilde thought isak of all people would willingly sign up for kosegruppa just to go to revue parties -even and linn friendship!!!! -cannot articulate how mf heartwarming it is to see even smiling and being more himself after being depressed (also thank u julie for having ups and downs coming out of his depression- its so true to life having one day when youre feeling awesome and then the next you feel awful again for no reason and its SO frustrating) -I had to stop watching passe pa meg cause it made me toooooo crazy! it would just be like: “I like seeing you laugh” and I was like: *SCREAMS* -im the fucking master of lying 😤 -literally don’t know why isak and even ragging on kosegruppa is so funny but “did you think I joined to have fun” gets me every time -I SAW YOU THE FIRST DAY OF SCHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL -also even literally radiating love @ isak watching get snarky w vilde on the phone bc it reminded him of the first time he saw him! even rly is that boyfriend who thinks isak being pissy is the Best Thing he has Ever seen -halla boiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiz -literally the glo up of isak telling his friends the order in which he’d bang them -No filter! wow I love symbolism -so nice to see the girls together for a lil bit :) -the boys hyping up mags while also telling him to be respectful awwwwww -take desperate to a whole new level- Confucius  -who’s going to show isak how to properly hold a beer can -literally evak banter gets me thru the day. thank u tarjei and henrik for having phenomenal chemistry + improvisation skills + making isak and even the dumbest nerdiest boys i have ever seen -biology partner. and friend. ;-; -even literally is the biggest stoner blease -isak’s talk with eva is just sooooo<3 and not to be emo on main but every single word of the last few sentences he says hit me so gd hard because i feel the exact same way in my BONES -livet er nå 💛

final thoughts :( <3 -this season is so special. it feels like one really long oscar-worthy movie or smth?? i cant even exblain, its just magical. ALSO very dear to my heart. -julie really said you guys have seen isak sad and alone and repressed for the past two seasons so heres him falling in love with the best person in the world and coming to terms with who he is and being brave and opening up and finally being happy and living a real life -this season definitely feels different from s1/2/4 to me editing or production or music smth wise? as in, its got a lot fewer aesthetic shots and the cinematography seems a bit different if that makes any sense???? I also think this is the season most focused just on the main (i.e. not many- if any? sideplots going on) -literally will never get over the thought, love, and detail put into this season. when i say there is literally nothing i would change about it, i mean it and coming from my nitpicky ass??? means a lot lmfao. the acting, directing, music choices, symbolism...... sublime -s3′s cold rainy autumn aesthetic makes me ACHE for fall and also nostalgic for a highschool experience I never had lmao?? also. all the nighttime clips >>> -don’t know what else to say except thank u skam for my life

[faunusrights]

OFFAL HUNT REMASTER LIVEBLOG // CHAPTER 9

oh goody!

well this is it. the Date Chapter. the chapter, in which, the Date happens. lowkey im so fucking hype for this stupid goddamn chapter AAAAAAAAAAAA this is when the sexy got kicked up about seven notches and i know its gonna be a fucking twenty from here on out so LETS GO LESBIANS LETS GO

“Is this your date, Ms. Fall?” he asked.

Cinder didn’t look away from Glynda. “Mhm.”

STRAIGHT OUT OF THE GODDAMN GATE WE DIDN’T EVEN HAVE A SECOND TO EVEN GATHER OURSELVES JUST STRAIGHT UP HUH!!!!!!!!! ‘is this your date’ im legally dead

What the fuck.

already im fucking THRIVING im so glad this chapter’s mood got encapsulated within the first ten seconds and im definitely gonna have to re-read this chapter for the full unannotated experience OOOOOOOOOH MY GOD IM SO READY

Glynda’s thoughts ricocheted inside her head like coins left in a dryer. A part of her couldn’t understand what was happening and disengaged. The rest of her, grasping for purchase in all this, reasoned that going with Cinder was better than staying here confused, alone, and utterly displaced.

glynda ‘i aint ever had a gf before’ goodwitch at her PEAK right here. like GOD shes gone from ‘cinder’s trying to murder me’ to ‘cinder just plopped me right into a date’ like CINDER. CINDER YR CHANGING GEARS SO FAST. YOU DIDNT EVEN SEND FLOWERS OR ANYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

is it because shes a u-haul lesbian or

Higher, Glynda realized the dress itself was backless, revealing the black tattoo she’d seen so often before, perfectly centered between sharp shoulder blades.

this gay energy is BONKERS, quite frankly??????? where did cinder get her dress from? why does she have it? did she buy it just for this fuckery? or will she pull the ‘i just had a this lil number laying around’ line????????? does she wanna seduce glynda to death?????? was this PLANNED OR DID SHE JUST DECIDE SHE WANTED A DATE AND WTH LIFE REALLY IS SHORT ON REMNANT THESE DAYS?????????? cinder fall please explain your workings to the class

maybe Glynda wasn’t the only one who’d become adept at reading her opponent.

👏 when 👏 will 👏 they 👏 kiss 👏 already 👏👏👏👏

me: this is a slowburn also me: if u assholes dont give me this in the next ten seconds-

“Unarmed? As if you could be so helpless.”

cinder’s style of flirting is just. commentating on a person’s deadliness. that’s IT it’s the only TRICK SHE HAS and its working, is the thing,

im reading the description of the table and remembering the shitpost and oh my god i have to draw this???? hell IS real!!!!!! COULDNT YALL JUST TOSS EM IN A PLAIN BOX,

Cinder eyed her from her bastion of dark cushions,

cinder, ass-deep in cushions: this is peak cuddle territory come and join me

Cinder, for her part, seemed delighted Glynda had noticed. Touching the pendant more gently than Glynda might have ever thought her capable of, Cinder said,  “Yours? You didn’t seem to mind parting with it.”

im still deeply enjoying this powermove the novelty NEVER wears off (and at risk of light spoilers i do enjoy its place in this story 👀)

Cinder let the necklace drop, settling against the swell of her bust once more,

/lightly coughs 👀👀👀

im losing my MIND at how gay this bit is i physically cannot HANDLE IT and if they even describe the meal once im gonna pop off cause i am. SO HUNGRY RN. AAAAAAAAAAAA

Cinder indicated a dish of lamb and vegetables, served on a bed of rice and drizzled in some sort of sauce.

SRY THIS ISNT GAY BUT OH MY GOD IM SO HUNGRY I WANNA E A T I T THAT SOUNDS SO GOOD UGHGHGHGHGHGH WHY DID THIS CHAPTER HAVE TO BE TODAY OF ALL THE DAYS,

Glynda cleared her throat, working out: “The Grimm.”

like. GOD WE KNOW GLYNDA IS JUST SO FUNCTIONALLY BAD AT CONVERSATION BUT OF ALL THE THINGS glynda please just. just. stop thinking abt her sexy tattoos for a fifth of a second,

“You can control them.” A sedate blink. For all the world, Glynda might have just commented on the weather.

which is a faux pas for a date!!!!!!!!!!! at least tell her the DRESS IS SEXY WE ALL KNO WHATS WHAT YR THINKIN ABT

Glancing down as though it were being pointed out to her for the first time, Cinder shrugged and adjusted the end of the glove a little higher on her bicep. “And?” 

a quick aside im enjoying how like... visually expressive cinder is in this remaster! i can see her facial expressions and her motions really clearly in my mind’s eye which is a fun little boon if only because i have to redraw this nonsense hjsgdfjhfksgd but cinder’s got a Good Face this time around! A QUALITY FACE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You should know by now, there’s something about you that’s simply irresistible to Grimm.”

HERE COMES THE PLOT (and a single surviving line so far... this one sentence has survived all the world could throw at it... we stan)

Cinder straightened, and Glynda saw that this was what she’d been waiting for.

“It isn’t every day the great Glynda Goodwitch kneels before her adversary, is it?”

HELLO??????????????????????????? WHATS THIS WORDING????????? honestly tho for a second i thought she meant like. quite literally and i thought id missed some PROPER SHIT RIGHT THERE BUT YEAH WTH!!!!!!! C I N D E R

“You cheated. You can’t beat me on your own.”

yes glynda we gathered that yr a top

“Really, Glynda? Poison?” she sneered, something like offense simmering in her expression. “After all this?”

looks at the camera

anyway,

god im literally losing grasp of words to say because theres such a charged mood in this scene............. theyre brushing fingers............ trading jabs.......... im slurpin it up babey!!!!!!!! this rly is the BEST remaster of this whole scene it DESERVES this wordcount!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Beat you,” Cinder corrected. “And call it a point of pride.”

yes cinder we gathered yr a brat,

this dynamic is why this fic is so fuckign good when will winter have a swift return to add even more fuckery to this wild ride

Then, with a heavy-lidded look, Cinder found Glynda’s hand between them, the touch so sudden and daring that Glynda flinched. The fabric of those gloves was smooth against Glynda’s flesh, and for all that cruelty had marked every other instance of contact between them, Cinder was surprisingly gentle.

whomp there go my nuts

WHAT IS THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHO MADE THE EXECUTIVE CHOICE TO ADD THIS LINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HELLO???????????? im losing my BRAINCELLS

What she wasn’t ready for was for Cinder to guide her hand to her own throat and hold it there.

THERE IS IT THERE’S THE KINK IT’S BEEN SPOTTED

oh my GOD what even IS THIS WHO ADDED THIS SECTION WHO ALLOWED THIS TO COME TO P A S S WHAT THE FUCK EVEN IS RN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HELLO????????? HEWWO??????????

Now… Now Cinder interested her.

tbh how can i liveblog this? what commentary can i POSSIBLY add that we arent already all THINKING. we just launched into a level of hell so deep that lucifers gonna have to pull some goddamn tricks to follow us down here!!!!!!!!!! WHAT IS THIS SCENE! THIS MOMENT! IM SCREAMING

Glynda mirrored the expression back at him, and finally, he coughed, not making strong eye contact with either of them. He set their plate before them and hurried out without so much as a check-in.

i just KNEW that was gonna happen JHGDSFGJHKSDF he was gonna walk in on SMTHNG but i didnt think itd be CINDER’S CHOKING KINK,

okay i took a break and ate my weight in roast chicken and we’re back babey

Almost nervously, her fingers carded through her own dark hair, and there, among the locks, Glynda spotted a glimpse of something white, structured and ridged.

AND I AM INSTANTLY KNOCKED BACK UPON MY ASS 👈W👈H😨A👈T👈

It was easier to ignore the rest of it—whatever it was.

glynda you are a fool and a moron im withering into DUST

On no level had she expected those to be Glynda’s words.

then what... did she expect... well probably -- and rightly so -- ‘bitch WHAT ARE THOSE’ TBH

wait sorry i have to jump back because i forgot customary fingerguns on the most brazen bit of Shit yet:

Cinder was occupying herself with something else: the head of a dragon, perched over the door and staring down at the two of them with red, glossy eyes.

👈👈👈😎👈👈👈

okay BACK TO THE FIC

Fangs snapped together around the word.

aka back to me horni

/chanting TEETH! TEETH! TE

okay but the reason i doubled back to catch that fingergun is because we’re getting ass-deep into plot now!!!!!!!!!!! WITCHES AND DRAGONS BABEY......... HERE’S WHAT OFFAL HUNT IS ALL ABT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i cant rly drop more fingerguns than that because any astute reader will start realising the dots im shouting abt and honestly half the fun of this fic is the ride so >:3c

“Funny. I was sure he would have told you.”

that blow was so low i think cinder hit the concrete with that one

oh god theyre gonna get to the bit and i-

“Is that what all of this has been about? You called me here to remind me that I'm autistic?”

/SCREAMS

The words were delivered firmly, calmly, but Cinder’s response was the opposite, sudden upheaval seizing her. Her expression opened in something akin to panic. “Wh—no? What? No! That's not what I—”

/SCREAMS

oh my GOD CINDER YOU HAVE FUCKED UP LEGENDARILY!!!!!!!!!! OH MY GOD SHE WAS FELL ASS-FIRST ONTO A LANDMINE OH MY GOD

offal hunt v1 cinder: im totally in control and im playing glynda every step of the way

offal hunt v2 cinder: OH JESUS OH FUCK OH NO THAT’S NOT WHAT I MEANT-

Cinder seemed genuinely stressed now, speaking quicker as though trying to bury the last sixty seconds.

i knew this remaster would have sections that would blow me away but this bit really took the fcuking cake DGHSJFSJHFDG holy SHIT this is AMAZING

It was difficult to tell in the low light, but if Glynda wasn't mistaken, there was a bright flush of embarrassment coloring Cinder’s cheeks.

this is SUCH prime content hey remember in one of the early liveblogs that cinder would descend into full dork? WELL THE DESCENT CAME EARLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! /pops bottles

“Cinder.” There was a very real line of threat in Glynda’s tone. “Don’t.”

oh this whole scene just keeps getting better i am LOVING this dynamic now!!!!!!! before it was all pretty one-sided so having the conversation rock back and forth is 👌👌👌

That Witch soul of yours—it was designed to void out everything but the prey before you. To be numb to all human emotion. To focus on the hunt and nothing else.

finally the fruit of 50% of my fingerguns COMES TO LIGHT!!!!!!!!!!! PLOT PLOT PLOT

“This is bullshit.” Jabbing an accusing finger at Cinder, Glynda said, “You’re a liar. You’re a criminal!”

i LOVE glyndas pottymouth in this its such a good like... change from her being strict and formal and teachery and now shes full on gremlin huntress hell YES BABY!!!!!!!!!! GO OFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“There’s all kinds of things I bet he never told you.” Cinder continued. “Did you know he was close to your predecessor? The Witch who came before you—they were inseparable.”

SRY IM LIKE STRUGGLIN TO COMMENTATE because so much of this like. speaking as an Old-Ass Reader this is like. a LOT! A LOT HAS CHANGED and yet,,,, stayed the same,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, yall kids WILL NEVER KNOW WHAT IT WAS LIKE TO HAVE TO WAIT UNTIL CHAPTER LIKE................ 15 FOR THIS SHIT (but like. chapter 15 was different because this chapter used to be like chapter 7? so now everythings moved along so chapter 15 doesnt sound that impressive but trust me it was a different fic back then)

When they fell away, burnt and ruined, she could see Cinder’s bare arms for the first time. The red lines drawn across her skin sloped down the entire length of her arms, circling her elbows, carved into her wrists. They ended right at her hands, ensuring any long-sleeved garment would hide them. Every covered inch of her was filled like a canvas, like abstract art.

lets pause the fight scene for glynda to be gay!!!!! god im. okay look i said this earlier but im so glad we have more cinder like this tbh. the first version was rly lacking w/ cinder content until late-game when the plot sorta. got itself going? but now we’re eye-deep in this content i LOVE cinder i love this WEIRDO who is a HUGE LOSER and IDIOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IM LOVE HER SO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And Glynda could not dispel the fear that she had been telling the truth.

and after committing Some Amount In Damages, we’re at the end of the chapter!

okay so i really enjoyed this version SO MUCH MORE. everything abt it was polished and worked together so much better and it really needed the space to breathe in its own chapter. its been horny, gay, intense, hilarious, and way more in one chapter and its SO good this really is PEAK offal hunt!!!!!!!!!!!! good job diesel and kc but im still going to murder you both,

[glitter-lisp]

analogical/royality

emo friend: if i ask you a question do you promise not to laugh

romano: no but I promise not to tell you if I laugh

emo friend: bitch

emo friend: whatever I’ll take it

emo friend: okay here goes

emo friend: (not laughing means not typing out lol or lmao either)

romano: rofl

emo friend: I am going to kick your ass

—————

little brother best friend forever: Afternoon, Patton. Are you available to chat for a few minutes?

Patton: always!!! what’s up, bud?

little brother best friend forever: I have the sort of question I don’t normally ask.

Patton: ooooh, what is it?

little brother best friend forever: You know that thing that you always want to talk about and that I never want to talk about?

Patton: OH MY GODO HMY GOD OHMYGOD

Patton: YES PLEASE ASK ME RELATIONSHIP QUESTIONS OH MY GOD I AM SO READY

—————

emo friend: im serious though if you laugh I will delete all the contacts in your phone and let you figure out who tf is who

romano: woah ok serious talk time then. No laughing. Promise

emo friend: really promise?

romano: Cross my heart and hope to die

emo friend: do you think Logan likes me?

romano: bUAHAHAHAHA

—————

little brother best friend forever: Please control yourself. I’m embarrassed enough as it is.

Patton: right!!! Sorry!!! I’m being good :D what’s the question?

Patton: :D

little brother best friend forever: Will you be able to keep it to yourself if I tell you? It’s not something I want bandied about.

Patton: super secret!!!! I’m great with secrets!! Like I never told you that I was the one who spilled orange juice on your Sherlock Holmes book in second grade

little brother best friend forever: What?

Patton: what

—————

emo friend: ROMAN I STG

romano: Roman is too busy wheezing to come to the phone right now please leave a message

romano: oh my god dude you had me so worried there I thought this was something serious

emo loser: you’re such an ass. this is serious I’m serious does he like me

romano: no dummy he hates your guts obviously he’s just been pretending to like you all these years. It’s a long con

romano: virgil

romano: virgil you know I’m kidding right

romano: dude it’s been like five minutes I’m sorry I was kidding

emo loser: ok

—————

little brother best friend forever: I’ve been talking to Virgil lately, and he’s said some things that have made me think.

Patton: wow, made YOU think? That’s a new one!!!

Patton: jk you’re very smart and ilu

lover boy: Yes, well, you know I’m not the best at subtext, but even I have noticed the sorts of things he’s been implying.

lover boy: Without going into too much detail, I’ve been thinking about implementing some changes into mine and Virgil’s relationship.

Patton: OH MY GOD O HMY GOD OHMYGODOGMYGOD

—————

romano: Logan adores you, virge. You’re his favorite person in the world

emo loser: yeah?

romano: yeah, def

romano: what brought this on? Is something going on with you two? I thought you were solid

emo loser: no nothing’s happening it’s just. Idk I mean you know how I get with the

emo loser: thinking

romano: ah, yes, the thinking. and the overthinking?

emo bean: yeah and the overthinking

—————

Patton: OKAY SO HOW ARE YOU GONNA DO IT

Patton: WILL THERE BE FLOWERS

Patton: WILL YOU SING TO HIM!!!!!

lover boy: No, I won’t.

Patton: DO YOUVVHAVE A SPEECH PLANNED OR ARE YOU JUST!!! GONNA!!!! SPEAK!!!!!!!!! FROM!!! YOUR!!!!! H E A R T!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

unromantic fool: Why are you yelling?

Patton: CAN I BE TGERE TO RECORD IT OR DO YOU WANT SOMETHING MORE PRIVATE

unromantic fool: I would prefer you not be there.

Patton: IF I CANT COME CAN I AT LEAST SET UP A CAMERA WITH A LIVEFEED SO I CAN WATCH AND RECORDBIT AND THEB WATCH IT AGAIN LATER

unromantic fool: Patton! It’s just a simple question; I’m not sure why you’re getting so excited.

Patton: HOW ARE YOU /NOT/ EXCITED IVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS DAY FOR YEARS OH MY GOSHNESS

unromantic fool: Well, that’s... actually a little sweet.

Patton: <3<3<3

��————

romano: so what exactly are you overthinking about today?

romano: I mean Logan obvs but Why

emo bean: I dunno we’ve just been talking a lot recently and he’s been kind of

emo bean: uh

romano: kind of what?

emo bean: .........

emo bean: ........................

romano: .....

emo bean: ............

romano: virgil what has he been kind of

emo bean: ........... flirty?

romano: holy shit

—————

unromantic fool: Well, I’ve put a lot of thought into it already. I suppose some of the excitement has worn off by now.

Patton: that’s okay!!! I will be excited enough for both of us :D

unromantic fool: That’s not how excitement works, but I appreciate the sentiment.

unromantic fool: Besides, it’s not exactly a life changing question.

Patton: it.... kind of is, though?

unromantic fool: No, not really. I’ll be happy if he says yes, but I won’t be devastated if he says no. His answer won’t change the way I feel about him, but I would never push him into something he doesn’t feel comfortable with.

slightly romantic fool: I want him to be happy.

Patton: I just teared up holy heck that’s so sweet!!!!! Ilu both and ilu together <3

—————

romano: okay wait, flirty how? Like different from his usually flirting with you?

emo bean: what do you mean his usual flirting with me? Logan doesn’t ever flirt with me

emo bean: this is a very new development

romano: okay I’m more than a little befuddled right now

romano: you’re saying you’ve been dating for three years and he’s never flirted with you?

emo bean: we’ve been what

emo disaster: roman we’ve been WHAT

————— 

Patton: sooo how are you gonna do it? have you thought it out?

Patton: ha that’s a dumb question of course you’ve thought it out

Patton: but have you decided how to do it yet?

slightly romantic fool: I have some ideas. I first just want to ask you... well, this is embarrassing. But you’ve known Virgil longer than I have. I don’t like to sound uncertain, but do you think he’ll respond positively?

Patton: you mean, do I think he’ll say yes?

slightly romantic fool: In a word.

Patton: yes!!!!!

slightly romantic fool: Yes?

Patton: YES!!!!!!!!

Patton: I CAN’T BELIEVE

Patton: MY BABY BRO

Patton: IS GETTING

slightly romantic fool: Patton, you’re thirty-seven minutes older than me. 

Patton: MARRIED!!!!!!!!!

Mr. Virgil Sanders: I’m sorry, what?

————— 

romano: dating....? 

emo disaster: wtf why would you think that

romano: because you aRE?? you two go on dates? and hold hands??? and talk about getting married literally all the time?

romano: how is that not dating

emo disaster: friend dates platonic handholding joking marriage proposals

romano: virgil are you shitting me

romano: patton and i have literally gone on double dates with you two for YEARS now

emo dumbass: THOSE WERE GROUP HANGOUTS

romano: wtf is wrong with you

—————

Mr. Virgil Sanders: Goodness, Patton, I think it’s a little too early in the relationship for that large a step.

Mr. Virgil Sanders: I know you’re a very excitable person, but do try to be at least somewhat realistic.

Patton: THERE IS NOTHING UNREALISTIC

Patton: ABOUT TRUE LOVE

Patton: IT’S BEEN LONG ENOUGH

Patton: I HAVE BEEN PLANNING THIS WEDDING

Mr. Virgil Sanders: What wedding?

Patton: FOR TWO

Patton: WHOLE

Mr. Virgil Sanders: What wedding, Patton?

Patton: YEARS

Mr. Virgil Sanders: WHAT WEDDING, PATTON?

Patton: YOUR WEDDING TO VIRGIL ALSO THANK YOU FOR JOINING ME IN ALL CAPS

Mr. Virgil Sanders: pat are you fucking high

—————

romano: virgil pls tell me you’re joking pls tell me you’re playing dumb

emo dumbass: roman i’m gonna lose my shit i stg im not joking logan and are not dating and we never have been

romano: HOW

emo dumbass: DO I LOOK LIKE I FUCKING KNOW

emo dumbass: I JUST WANTED TO KNOW IF I SHOULD ASK HIM OUT

emo dumbass: JFC THIS IS THE LAST TIME I EVER ASK YOU FOR ADVICE

romano: YESS OBVIOUSLY YOU SHOULD ASK HIM OUT BECAUSE HE WILL SAY YES BECAUSE YOU ARE A L L!!!! R E A D Y!! D A T I N G!!!

emo dumbass: BITCH,

—————

PRINCE OF YOUR DREAMS: patton darling, have you spoken to your brother recently

pattoncake: yeah, I’m texting with him right now!

PRINCE OF YOUR DREAMS: I am going to tell you something unbelievable but I need you to know that I would never lie to you

pattoncake: of course!!!!! I know that!!! what is it?? are you okay????

PRINCE OF YOUR DREAMS: logan and virgil.... are not dating

pattoncake: umm? I’m literally talking to logan right now and he wants to propose to Virgil

PRINCE OF YOUR DREAMS: W H A T

PRINCE OF YOUR DREAMS: VIRGIL LITERALLY JUST TOLD ME LIKE TWO MINUTES AGO THAT THEY’RE NOT EVEN DATING

pattoncake: why would logan propose if they’re not dating?

PRINCE OF YOUR DREAMS: did logan like, actually say he was going to propose?

pattoncake: yeah!!!!

pattoncake: well, noo

pattoncake: but he meant it

pattoncake: I think

pattoncake: oh shoot I may have misread the situation

pattoncake: you’re sure they’re not dating?

PRINCE OF YOUR DREAMS: you are adorable and I love you

PRINCE OF YOUR DREAMS: yes i’m sure

PRINCE OF YOUR DREAMS: just casually tell logan that he should ask virgil out and i’ll tell virgil the same thing and we’ll see who does it first

PRINCE OF YOUR DREAMS: i bet it’s logan

pattoncake: I’m not betting on our friends!!!!

pattoncake: besides it’s totally gonna be virge, i believe in him!!!!!!!

PRINCE OF YOUR DREAMS: and you don’t believe in your brother? :O

pattoncake: aNYWAYS i’m gonna text him now ok bye ilu ttyl

—————

Patton: sorry, haha, I got overexcited! you should definitely ask Virgil out, he’ll definitely say yes!!!!

Future Mr. Virgil Sanders: You think so?

Patton: I know so!!!!!!! go for it!! I BELIEVE IN YOU!!!!!!!!!

Future Mr. Virgil Sanders: Thank you, Patton.

Patton: <3

—————

stupid fuckin asshole disney prince wannabe: seriously tho virgil just ask him out

fuckin asshole disney prince wannabe: he never shuts up about you

asshole disney prince wannabe: he’ll trip over himself trying to say yes

emo dumbass: ........................................ yeah?

asshole disney prince : yeah

actual disney prince: you got this, virge

—————

Virge: soo i have a question

smort boi: Virgil, can I ask you something?

Virge: lmao same text

Virge: oh shit sorry you’re typing

smort boi: My apologies, I just saw that you’re in the middle of typing something.

smort boi: Oh.

Virge: we’re so stupid oh my god okay you go

smort boi: You can go first.

Virge: LOGAN

smort boi: Really, I don’t mind.

smort boi: oh, we did it again

Virge: okay let’s just

Virge: at the same time?

smort boi: Yes, that might work.

Virge: okay so like... in one minute from the time you receive my next text, we’ll send each other our questions at the exact same time

smort boi: That seems doable.

Virge: GO one minute on the clock

smort boi: Virgil, would you like to go out with me on a romantic date at some point in the near future?

Virge: i really like you and i think we should be boyfriends or whatever if you want

Virge: OH SHIT

smort boi: Well, that was certainly serendipitous.

Virge: youre serious? no joking?

smort boi: No, no joking at all. I would very much like to be boyfriends.

smort boi: Or whatever.

Virge: and id like to go out with you on a romantic date at some point in the near future

smort boi(friend?): Well then.

Virge <3: well then indeed

smort boi(friend): Pizza at Sal’s? Friday at six?

Virge <3: uhhhh where else would i be on friday night at six? that’s been pizza night for years

smort boi(friend): Well, yes, but this time it would be... well, romantic. Because it would be a date. We would be dating.

Virge <3: you raise a good point

Virge <3<3: i guess i’ll see you friday then

smort boifriend: I’m looking forward to it.

Virge <3<3<3<3: me too my dude

—————

emo dumbass: okay he said yes i gotta go pass out later dude

—————

Future Mr. Virgil Sanders: HE SAID YES HE SAID YES OHMY GOD HOLY SHIT PATTON WE’RE GOING ON A DATE HE SAI D BOFRIENDS WE’RE BOYFRIENDS AHOLY FU CK

—————

PRINCE OF YOUR DREAMS: we’re just the best, aren’t we?

pattoncake: yeah, pretty much

pattoncake: ilu

PRINCE OF YOUR DREAMS: ilu2 babe

[cloneslugs]

please king send me ANY sniper headcanons

(idk why im so tired and everything feels so funny rn but i’ll throw you a bone)

actually i’ll edit it here

trans. (pre/no op) he wears a binder on the job but only if he’s in a sufficient sniper nest but even then he’ll take it off bc thats self care baby !! if he knows he’s gonna be running around he’s usually fine w/ his thick ass vest + baggy shirt + undershirt combo :)

he. gay =___= + mostly just. sleeps around but is a romantic at heart but also. not really. he just kinda ? minds his business and like doesnt think too hard about things that require lots of thinking

mama’s boy!!!!!!!!! but tries to emulate his papa (sunglasses B) )

hes not stupid but he prefers simplicity 

POOR HYGIENE he brushes his teeth sometimes and maybe brushes his hair but. he pees in jars + the sink of HQ if there are none available and listen,, that camper dont exactly have running water

he doesnt know how to start conversations at all and actually doesnt. care for talking too much (which is funny bc he hangs out w/ scout a lot,,, but ig scout does all the talking) he jumps in convos if he has a decent/funny enough point but mostly minds his business

he wears a hat for added height + actually all his wardrobe is planned for his utmost social comfort

he flusters easily + hates it, like if you like corner him in a conversation + he cant figure out what to say he just =/////= + he doesnt know how to flirt easily if u flirt w/ him he’ll like stammer out something stupid or just pretend he didnt hear and like. clean his knife or something

he gets super twitchy/fidgety under pressure like above or if you annoy him, he like. flicks his bobblehead or chews on his glasses/fingernails/anything and gets tappy with his hands, he’s pretty good at sitting still most of the time so these are his Tells for irritation/that he’s bothered

he visits home when he can but usually its just screaming matches and he just storms out of the house and does some farm chores bc he still loves them

he’s really bad at like reading/pronunciation (i mean. he can read) he’s bad at spelling

he has a weird relationship w/ ms pauling like they obvs get along but they dont really talk much + she just gets uncomfy in long silences sometimes but they swap recipes and killing tips, he trust her to make calls most of the time and will just listen to her and let the others compromise it out if need be but he’ll interject if he thinks its serious enough(extra info: he just calls her “pauling” unless he’s being really super serious or feels a little snarky)  

he kinda wants a dog but they cant climb into sniper nests and what if it gets hurt

he’s. squirrelier than he lets off and likes to climb on things + also he has good aim with just throwing things

not to veer off canon but he knew he was adopted since he was little

he’s good at falling asleep anywhere in any position + can nod off w/ a sniper in his hand (sometimes thats not the best when youre waiting for a target)

he tries to call his parents at least 3 times a week / every other day if he can manage that

he likes his sunglasses for another reason bc he can snooze a little if theyre having a meeting a nobody can really tell (okay some of them can but listen)

he loves being up high !! no matter the weather he loves it thunderstorms or heavy snow or sunny days its a blast !! and he likes to drive around w/ the windows down and the breeze in his face its :)

listen ik this is canon but the boy is Mentally Ill but brushes it off around people and hates talking about it and gets all clammed up when its brought up by like. anyone strangers or people close to him (see: meet the director/meet the sniper(w/ his dad))

he loves seeing new places but he doesnt care much for like. trudging around the wilderness like?? mucking around in swamps or something like that, he’s there for the view and doesnt need the big exploration + running around that some of the others do

he’s self taught at bow and arrow + picked it up when he was way younger bc he used to think it was cool + sexy now he doesnt really. give it a 2nd thought

he’s actually big emo + has a big heart esp for loved ones but he’s good at hiding if things hurt him outside of his initial response(idk if that makes sense, like if his dad said he hated him he’d like visibly :O at first but after the shock he’d be B/ and maybe just go cry in his camper hfdhsjfk) 

he’s pretty blunt and isnt afraid to just ? point things out to people point blank and he doesnt really get?? why people get pissy

he like. snipes + all but he doesnt really believe in hunting all that much (like outside of the necessities for it, but even then he wouldnt participate)

i think he’s defo the most ?? standoffish out of the group like even spy hangs out w/ scout but he just doesnt feel a need to jump into convos and doesnt consider how much you talk to someone to be equal to the value of how good of friends you are like maybe everyone feels all “oh he doesnt talk much so we arent close” but he doesnt see that he just thinks “we sit in a room together + they talk/we do crazy shit together, ergo we are close” he does genuinely care for their well being most of the time

he’s not very touchy and prefers when people keep a distance + he’s just. awkward

he gets irritated easily in social situations/when talking, he’s easy to talk over, he gets more annoyed w/ what people say over what they do, he hates talking to strangers, he doesnt like when people pester him about his personal life, he generally doesnt give a shit about gossip + all + doesnt nose about in other people’s business like i said he just kinda minds his own and stays in his own lane and defo gets involved in the least amount of drama

he hangs out w/ the others but he spends most of his time on his own if he can, if he does hang out w/ them he’s kinda a wall flower and just watches the rest of them + has his fun that way besides interjecting a little quip here and there (sorry i feel like im repeating myself w/ some of these)

sometimes he gets broody and moody 

he talks about his job w/ really high esteem and he honestly thinks what he does is pretty great and he definitely doesnt think the others are below him but he likes to say what he does isnt mindless merc work its assassination just bc it makes him feel better about himself + its a good argument against his dad

he. hangs out w/ scout and just listens to the kid ramble about whatever + maybe nods or Mhmms along when needed but keeps his mouth shut but maybe gives Big Adult Advise thats maybe not always that great but it sounds smart, sometimes he vents to him bc scouts dumb and wont get it/remember it and his naive/dummy advise sometimes cheers him and actually helps 

i can probably come up w more but this is super long and repetitive F

[butterscotch-brigade]

fuck it. im too lazy to draw my warriors ocs so here are some of them that i made w this amazing picrew

flowerfur: basically my self insert/sona. riverclan medicine cat whos Big Gay and loves collecting things to decorate her medicine den. curious, sweet, and almost childlike despite being medicine cat for many seasons, she likes to see the good in every cat, and her natural pacifism is partially what lead to her becoming a medicine cat. loves helping other cats and detests conflict; ignoring the fact that shes a healer, shes not very good at de-escalating conflict to begin with. gets very nervous whenever fighting occurs and is very protective of her mate, nightfeather (yes ik medcats cant have mates in canon but thats a stupid rule so fuck you its MY self insert oc so i can make her gay)

nightfeather: flowerfur’s mate, a grumpy riverclan warrior who i adopted from my lovely gf @charcolor​ (she was her self insert oc when she was a kid askldjff but she gave her to me and i changed her personality bc shes My Character Now and i have Permission To Do That). nightfeather is secretly very anxious, but she hides it very well with her standoffish, gruff exterior. the only cat shes willing to let herself be vulnerable with is her mate flowerfur, ofc. shes not really the best at fighting and tries to avoid it whenever possible; instead, she feels a greater sense of fulfillment hunting for her clan. often brings flowerfur things like flowers or shells to decorate her den with and helps out around the medicine den occasionally (though she needs to be tutored on it bc she doesnt know much abt herbs and healing, being a warrior and all)

blossomstar: leader of a fanclan that ive been working on, blossomclan!!! blossomstar is a genderfluid cat who uses he/she/they pronouns, any is fine for them. being the leader of a brand new clan may seem like a daunting task to any other cat, but not to this determined warrior. charismatic and confident to a fault, blossomstar cares deeply about their warriors and believes that a positive attitude is the key to success. even in times of distress, they always manage to bring hope and cheer to their warriors. this doesnt mean you should underestimate them in battle, however; they are actually a fierce fighter and can surprisingly get somewhat......carried away when fighting. fighting is thrilling and fun to them, and sometimes they dont know their own strength. thankfully, their deputy (who i.....havent decided on a name + design for yet askljf) serves as a calm and wise “brain” to their “brawn.”

warblerstalk: ok so. i got this name from a generator so dont judge me. ANYWAY this thunderclan deputy is SUPER edgy. like on purpose. she doesnt give a fuck if you think she looks ridiculous bc she does whatever the fuck she wants (in my mind shes actually 10x more edgy.....she has like. red eyeshadow and emo bangs w a red streak n shit aksljsad but i couldnt do that in the generator so just. deal w this for now). BUT despite her edgy appearance shes actually a pretty effective deputy. shes a bit more forceful than her leader and waaayy harsher towards intruders than necessary, but thats bc she secretly has a crush on a riverclan warrior named lilylake and she doesnt want anyone to suspect anything. has a surprisingly strategic mind and has won many a battle, and she enjoys showing off her cool battle scars to the apprentices.

lilylake: can u tell riverclan is my favorite clan. ANYWAY lilylake is a fun loving and optimistic warrior who loves to take it easy. this easygoing mindset has gotten her in trouble in the past, as she was caught shamelessly flirting with the fucking DEPUTY of thunderclan, warblerstalk. thankfully she was only let off with a harsh warning, but that doesnt stop her from continuing her advances when the two of them are alone. despite their relationship, however, lilylake cares deeply about her clan and actually hopes to become leader one day, though she knows itll probably never happen as long as her relationship w warblerstalk continues. will she choose her heart or her clan?? Who Knows! thats for Me to decide!

blazeheart: a brave and energetic shadowclan warrior, blazeheart was adopted into the clan as a kit along with his sibling icepelt. their mother was a rogue who died giving birth, so they were taken in by a generous queen named frostwhisker (design pending). blazeheart is loyal as any warrior could be, and is fiercely protective of his sibling. he has kind of an overconfident and reckless streak and believes that hes more powerful than he actually is, especially since he became a warrior. loud and somewhat hyperactive, hes a better fighter than he is a hunter, and some wonder if shadowclan was really the right place for him since stealth and secrecy is something they value. nevertheless, he works hard to protect and defend his clan and family, even if he ends up getting himself hurt in the process.

icepelt: the polar opposite of their brother, icepelt (she/they) is very quiet and seemingly stoic. however, their “stoicism” is really just a mask they put on; they are actually socially awkward and have an incredibly difficult time forging friendships with other cats besides their brother. blazeheart is the only cat who can convince them to come out of their shell, and hopefully someday theyll be able to make more friends. they are actually a very competent warrior who understands shadowclan values and hunting/fighting techniques better than blazeheart does, and if it werent for their shyness, they would probably be a very popular warrior. maybe the more time they spend around other cats, the more outgoing they will become......someday.....

stormsong: my newest guy!!! im still working on his personality bc hes so new, but im thinking hes an older senior warrior whos highly respected in windclan. he has a habit of saying whatever pops into his head at any given moment and is known for being brutally honest, but this isnt to hurt people; rather, he just believes in not holding back and standing up for what you believe in. he is very fond of apprentices and loves being able to mentor his own. he looks forward to retiring to the elders den so he can tell stories to them of his glory days. for now, though, he is content to remain a warrior and serve his clan however he can.

[swampgallows]

took a nap. 

dreamed for the first time in a while. met a lot ofpeople in my dreams. “catie the clown from nickeoldeon’s spongebob squarepants”, she introduced herself, very mom-like, heavyset and nice to hug. a middle aged man was tagging along w her that we brought along making clumsy passes but she was flirting too. something like “guess what word i want you to wear?” (????) and she said “umm Z!” and he goes “nah you know that letter” and she was laughing. (????) met a dude in a mohawk pushing an empty wheelchair who went into a derelict looking building, we were playing and laughing in the alley, he asked us a question we couldnt answer then kind of mumbled to himself, “at least they have hair. im meeting a lot of good people here.” we heard a crash and popped in to see if he was okay, the apartment of the lobby was really cramped, dark, and seedy, but the middle-aged man in there followed us out and then that’s where i met him and ‘catie’. we left the building and turned around and saw two giraffes poking their heads out over the wall of what might have been the backyard? we smiled and waved at them, telling the mohawk guy (who i guess eventually came with us) to come over and look. he was shy but he finally did. there were other people at the wall who thought we were smiling and being silly toward them, then ducked their heads behind the wall. the giraffes kind of smiled at us, then stuck their black tongues out at the people who hid. we were all really nervous because apparently some kind of nuke had been launched or was talking of being launched, there was some sort of “nuclear notice” that had been pasted up everywhere. so we knew we were all going to die very soon but the friendliness i felt was genuine. there was just a tinge of melancholy, like “I wish this isnt what it took to bring people together”.

i havent been to my grandparents’ house in a long time. there is a space between the woodshop and the main house, backed up by the wall to the neighbor’s, that’s just a small empty patch of grass. next in my dream we had set up a big blanket fort there. i had made itmyself but my brother joined me later. i was trying to get reading done, or something. i felt very safe there, but also felt like i had made it so i could become safe. there was a part where i ws reading murals on wood panels, like they were giant advertisements made of canvas or something, but also were the walls of the fort. some detached voice , i dont recall everything now, was liek ‘we dont know yet beccause blizzard hasnt hired you yet’ and i rolled my eyes. the ceiling caved in due to some shitty little white puffy dog that jumped on top and i was pissed cuase i got trapped under all these blankets, but it reverted itself and xena was there. i saw her face and her eyes with great clarity and i could feel myself petting her. it was dark, like a nap, cozy, and warm, dimly lit from the waning light outside. i was with my dog in the blanket fort, eating oatmeal and scrambled eggs (in the same bowl, for some reason, and was told to put ketchup on the eggs, which i never do, and also did not go at all with the rest of the oatmeal. the eggs tasted like the oatmeal too, maple syrupy, and it was all a big mess. it was in a paper cup, like at an ice cream place, but it was warm and even though it wasnt very good all mixed together i could taste the individual flavors. so i was there with my dog in the blanket fort feeling safe.

that was my dream. the last time i had dreams this basic was back in 11th grade when my sleep disorder started really coming to a head and i wasnt getting much sleep at all, and then i wasnt eating either. i remember having a dream where i just sat down and calmly ate food and that was basically it. i just got to eat food and it tasted good. and i remember when we were reading about moments of prolonged high stress or trauma, how even the vocabulary of people’s dreams can become reduced, showing very direct basic images to fulfill waking needs, like it does with children. so it has things like a clean house, a safe place, a soft bed, eating candy or good food, etc. this dream just now was still pretty complex but compared to my other dreams it’s extremely basic. just wanting to be around friendly people, to get big warm hugs, to feel safe and secure, and petting my dog no less. didnt have to jump through many hoops of interpretation, as it were. i think everything is just surmounting now. the insane cramps, papou in the hospital, having to solve my medical, not having a job or knowing when i can get a new one or what i should do, just my life generally being a mess. im so fucking tired all the time i can barely even play video games. i played hots so much yesterday because i had to do something that wasnt focusing on the pain, and i had a stimpack so it gave me a ‘reason’ to. 

i was driving with my dad yesterday because we were going to get a rat to feed topaz. my mom “has been meaning to” do it for like a week, just like she was “meaning to” take me to see papou until he called up, barely able to speak, and said “get me out of here”. if he hadnt done that i wouldnt have seen him, nor, do i think, would they have gone the extra push to get him out of the hospital. shit just kept going wrong. id been meaning to write about this for a few days, since it happened. i had been wanting to see papou again since i got back from my trip, because i was leaving shortly before his surgery and i wanted to tell him about it and show him pics when i got back. when i walked into the room he looked so bright, and i immediately walked over and held his hand. a nurse was dealing with his IV or something and he said to her “This one is my favorite. She’s a genius.” i’m among five grandkids and my papou always brags about us but this is the first time i’ve heard him say i’m his favorite. or to specify a favorite at all. and especially because i’m the least accomplished of the other four grandkids. the three are in line to be lawyers, all within in my uncle’s (my papou’s son) firm. my sister is back on track to becoming a teacher, interning at our middle school and passing all the credential tests, or whatever it is. all i do is stupid cartoons and try not to fucking kill myself. i went to college basically at the behest of my family and i’ve only ever had one real job, which was retail. i volunteered at the arts center and stuff when i was a teenager but while i was in most of high school and in college i didnt do shit. i only ever left my dorm to go to class or raves. i barely fed myself. i was so fucking depressed and just meeting all the wrong people left and right. one time my mom told me, “you know, the only grandchild papou has a picture of in his wallet is you.” he talks SO much about “the grandkids”, how we have “more degrees than people”, for which he is very proud. i’m doing nothing but keeping my head above water—and barely that—but i walk in and he announces i’m his favorite, and a genius. 

before i left, he said to me, which he’s said to all of us before at one point or another—”you are my legacy”. my papou was an engineer and a war hero, jumping out of planes and getting purple hearts touring north africa during world war ii. how am i supposed to uphold that?

so, anyway, i was driving with my dad, or rather sitting in the car w my dad, he was driving. i told him i had been driving a little, “even though mom thinks i just sit in my room all day.” “yeah, and ‘i think’ all she does is sleep all day,” he says mockingly. i laughed. nervously. we get to our usual pet store and they dont have any large rats. topaz is 7 feet long. she needs the biggest rats we can find. technically she should be on bunnies but i cant stomach that, nor do we feel like hiring a handler (legally you have to. nobody sells ‘feed bunnies’.) so we call up some other places. we end up having to drive across town which takes an hour at 4pm, and i tell dad “well they might have more on monday, the guy said,” and dad said, “No, this is what we’re doing. because who knows what that guy knows. we could show up monday and there still aren’t any. so it’s a little more work, but i said i was going to get a rat today, and i’m going to do it. we’re not gonna rely on what that guy says. see, this is what you have to do; you have to take matters into your own hands. You follow through. This is what I always have to do; it’s my job. I follow through for people.”

i wish my dad was around more, just in general. he works so often that he’s basically inaccessible but we all rely on him for everything because he makes the money, which is why he’s never around. my mom works for him and, little harsh here, but is useless when it comes to executing tasks without any pressure (so guess where we all got it from). we talked about her for a little bit. essentially, my dad is the reason anything ever happens. my mom, nowadays, is the reason nothing happens. she pushes things away hoping they’ll just disappear, i guess. i see it a lot in myself and i hate it. i hate feeling as helpless as she does and i hate having to rely on someone helpless like her because my dad is always gone doing the ‘heavy lifting’ like making sure we can all be alive.

not to be fucking predictable but i want to be reliable. i want to follow through. like my dad.

any dad, really.

[enchantechante]

22012017 0509

its 330a and i woke up crying.

im still drunk, so i feel like i can be honest now.

i have been trying to ask myself what hurts. everything. everything hurts. and i dont know if im having a depressive episode in the middle of the night or if im just mourning bc my family is back home watching my gma die.

idk if i just have so much unforgiveness in my heart that it just wakes me up out my sleep.

all the demons i need to feed.

i cant remember the last time i spent time with someone who wasnt in their phone. and its becoming hard to distinguish if its a nervous habit or if people rly just rather be in their phone than be fully present w me.

speaking of things that make me feel non essential, i think certain people need people around like a fidget toy. to deflect their nervous energy or something.

esp me.

spending time w me is rly nice for some people bc i can easily have a full conversation abt someone else and be engaged. bc i love ppl. very specifically and devoutly. and ppl can feel that. and i think for people who neglect themselves, my genuine attention quenches something deeper for them.

like an itch they cant seem to scratch on their own.

and for a while ive felt like im a good stepping stone for certain people until they get ahold of themselves, heal and are able to give that genuine attn to someone else.

which is natural i guess. to finally acknowledge i was never all too memorable (to them).

but thats when you can feel good abt something like never speaking to your best friend again.

when you remember how disposable they made you feel.

you’re finally free to find someone who can treat you how you treat them.

even if that person is just you.

and they finally get it and agree to let the friendship die and its like watching everything, all of it, the pain and the pleasure, float off into outter space.

and the terror of when are they gonna hurt you again isnt lingering over your head. you can breathe a little deeper knowing theres one less person whos going to try and tear you down mentally again.

even tho it “wasnt always like that”.

tell me, how many times does someone need to tell you they used to try and make you feel stupid on purpose for you to day dream abt how to get free from that? (not them, as a person but THAT. whatever that thing is that lets “loved ones” go to sleep hurting so our egos can thrive)

if its possible to “bring the abuser out” in a person, i guess i do.

or for him i did.

call me old fashioned but i cant refriend ppl i know need professional psychological assistance and have not yet received it.

but thats nothing new.

i feel free now tho. & that is new.

sad but mostly free.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

since christmas ive started struggling w suicidal ideology again and i see why my therapist made a huge deal abt self care.

bc once you learn to take care of yourself, there is always undoubtedly one person who can back you when you need it. who can love you as you need it.

who you will never be too clingy to. or easily ignored w someones dash/feed/phone/txt.

me loving myself came out of necessity.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

i smoke. i drink.

but watching my family suffer, watching them die as she dies, hurts so deep ive stopped enjoying it.

there is nothing chemical or otherwise that can take this away.

i still do it.

but in the way ppl who hate their jobs drink coffee. bc its the only not-so-shitty part. it could be freshly ground & columbian imported.

its just another thing to make the empty feeling inside feel a little less empty.

except my shitty job is living rn.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

i dont give people the opportunity to call me “clingy” twice. after the first time i enjoyed your presence and you felt mine was excessive im gon get the fuck on. its becoming hard to distinguish if he just wants to be around bc he’s used to me being around but when we’re actually out, if im beside him clingy.

it makes functions my boyfriends gonna be at w me feel like im going out by myself.

bc who gives someone the opportunity to call them clingy twice...

not in a relationship.

(or anywhere rly).

the race to be at a friends house as soon as i get home. or in another room. the constant desire to be entertained, we cant just sit and actually, you know, just be w each other.

things i enjoy bc i actually like my bf as a person.

theres are ways to be here and gone.

for me to tell you “i miss you” and youre sitting right across from me, in a room where no one else is talking. and im not soft spoken its just one of those here-and-gone things.

i asked him if he heard me tonight and he said he didnt.

i said it wasnt important.

cause it doesnt feel like it is anymore. - - - - - - - - - - - - -

my friend and i are talking again.

and thats the only plus i could give today. the only thing that didnt have a fucked up underside.

i think its hard when youve accidentally hurt someone you care abt and you want to rebuild the friendship you gotta consider why ita such an uphill battle.

but its worth it bc of who he is.

he had so much to mourn. and be angry abt. so much to try and make sense of. and bc he matters to me, i did my very best to understand at any given moment since i hurt him i could be encountering him at any stage of grief.

some of how he feels isnt so much personal to me as it is also apart of unpacking what every thing thats transpired meant to him.

and bc i love him, im patient.

and i will apologize for the rest of my life if i need to. hes too important to not understand how important he is to me.

it means a lot we got to talk today.

- - - - - - - - - - -

also got great advice from bestables. whos subtle love keeps me from feeling like im falling apart from too long. bestables could txt once a week.

bc she gave me love that grew. and we both tend it often and regularly.

bc what she built by design is self-sustaining (sured up w love, trust, understanding, consistency, pure intentions, grace and forgiveness - all that good best friend stuff) she can leave and come back.

she knows how to say or do just a few things here and there, bc she knows me, that keep my heart full.

she is my living example of how to use love to keep a person strong rather than leave them weak (which i think is an over romanticized state to be in bc of “love”).

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

i deleted a young woman i used to talk to.

and she reached out this evening and we had a v nice talk. she & i have only had a few nice talks, and flirted a bit. but she got some rly dark news.

and she stopped talking to me. which im fine w but it was hard seeing her pop up on fb talking and flirting w all of her other friends.

so i just tried to make a graceful exit and im surprised she noticed.

im kind of at the point in my life tho where if someones gonna be my friend i need them to come on w it.

mentally i dont think i have the energy for one-sided friendships rn.

also: this isolating myself shit? its clutch af.

why? bc ppl rly suck rn. & im so v fragile.

ppl still be like, “how are you?” and if im bein honest i just say “not good.” i feel sick but like its in my heart/mind.

[bbgleeproject]

[2/7/17, 10:30:56 AM] Ruthie: (*) WILL YOU BE TRYING TO SHOWMANCE ANYONE THIS SEASON? (*) [2/7/17, 10:31:11 AM] julia rae: yes [2/7/17, 10:31:15 AM] julia rae: matthew henning

[2/7/17, 11:07:54 AM] julia rae: who do you guys THINK i should showmance with [2/7/17, 11:11:34 AM] elizabeth: me [2/7/17, 11:12:14 AM] julia rae: ur right

[2/7/17, 11:27:09 AM] julia rae: can you guys give me dares to do in the housechat [2/7/17, 11:27:15 AM] julia rae: like fight someone, call someone out [2/7/17, 11:27:40 AM] julia rae: can i be like a saboteur [2/7/17, 11:28:08 AM] Ruthie: You can call out whoever you want! [2/7/17, 11:28:36 AM] Ruthie: We almost had a saboteur this season but we decided to not. [2/7/17, 11:28:44 AM] elizabeth: i dare u to tell matthew henning you want a showmance

[2/7/17, 11:29:18 AM] julia rae: done [2/7/17, 11:30:40 AM] elizabeth: i dare u to be like nvm rhea wanna be in a showmance

[2/7/17, 12:18:19 PM] julia rae: On 2/7/17, at 12:15 PM, Rhea <3 wrote: > Yes Julia, let's showmance! I just saw your message u mad? [2/7/17, 11:03:20 PM] Ruthie: (*) NICHOLAS WON HOH.  HOW ARE YOU FEELING ABOUT THAT? (*) [2/8/17, 5:31:23 AM] julia rae: i feel very good nicholas and i are best buds

[2/8/17, 8:36:29 AM] julia rae: i wanna fight someone [2/8/17, 8:36:35 AM] julia rae: I'm going to random.org the cast [2/8/17, 8:36:44 AM] julia rae: and then fight the #1 person

[2/8/17, 8:42:05 AM] julia rae: me fighting the hoh? [2/8/17, 8:42:10 AM] julia rae: I will after noms .

[2/9/17, 10:48:07 PM] Ruthie: (*) HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT NICHOLAS WINNING POV? (*)

(*) HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT THE PEOPLE IN YOUR CLIQUE? (*) [2/10/17, 3:33:09 AM] julia rae: I feel good about Nicholas winning bc hes prob one of my closest allies and we best buds!! but we've been fake fighting a lot on call so it seems like we don't like each other hehehe [2/10/17, 3:33:35 AM] julia rae: and then the people on my clique are alright, I like andie and julia but like dom is gross

[2/10/17, 9:31:59 PM] julia rae: I wanna fight someone [2/10/17, 9:32:01 PM] julia rae: who should I fight [2/10/17, 9:32:04 PM] julia rae: any suggestions?

[2/11/17, 9:34:08 AM] julia rae: new day [2/11/17, 9:34:11 AM] julia rae: new person to fight [2/11/17, 9:34:22 AM] julia rae: any suggestions? [2/11/17, 9:34:26 AM] elizabeth: me [2/11/17, 9:35:13 AM] julia rae: I think dom's going to go [2/11/17, 9:35:15 AM] julia rae: so I wanna fight him [2/11/17, 9:35:19 AM] julia rae: for no reason

[2/12/17, 10:58:54 AM] julia rae: zach has been really annoying me!! inside and outside of this game!! [2/12/17, 10:59:07 AM] julia rae: so me and matthew henning came up with a plan to get him out this week [2/12/17, 10:59:15 AM] julia rae: I don't feel like dealing with his ass anymore

[2/12/17, 11:03:00 AM] julia rae: ya nic blocked me and I don't know what I did or why [2/12/17, 6:22:35 PM] julia rae: chrissa flirting with julia roxy bc she's picking the hoh? [2/12/17, 6:22:44 PM] julia rae: me: takes notes

[2/13/17, 12:07:34 AM] Ruthie: (lips) HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT ELIJAH WINNING HEAD OF HOUSEHOLD? (lips) [2/13/17, 4:15:22 AM] julia rae: i feel really good we're pals so he ain't gonna nom me [2/13/17, 4:18:23 AM] julia rae: he's also my showmance [2/13/17, 4:18:35 AM] julia rae: insert finn and quinn gif

[2/13/17, 10:47:26 AM] julia rae: yes [2/13/17, 10:47:29 AM] julia rae: love elijah [2/13/17, 10:47:38 AM] julia rae: and I heard hes putting up colin/zach [2/13/17, 10:47:43 AM] julia rae: and that's good w me

[2/15/17, 1:17:27 PM] julia rae: I HAVENT BEEN IN MY DR SINCE MONDAY!!!! [2/15/17, 1:17:36 PM] julia rae: WHO SHOULD I FIGHT [2/15/17, 1:17:39 PM] julia rae: give me a name

[2/15/17, 6:33:42 PM] julia rae: so apparently I'm being backdoored, which I don't really care about since I KNOW I'm staying [2/15/17, 6:34:36 PM] julia rae: like I have Nicholas, veronica, colin, zach, andie, julia, matthew, Sydney for SURE as votes and they WONT flip on me [2/15/17, 6:34:49 PM] julia rae: Elijah is so stupid because me and all my friends will go after him [2/15/17, 6:34:51 PM] julia rae: so like??? [2/15/17, 6:34:59 PM] julia rae: hes going to be evicted next week [2/15/17, 6:35:46 PM] julia rae: but in a way, I hope he does nominate me [2/15/17, 6:35:54 PM] julia rae: ive been wanting to fight someone for so long

[2/15/17, 8:54:11 PM] julia rae: IM SOOOOO HAPPY [2/15/17, 8:55:00 PM] julia rae: OKAY SO ELIJAH IS GOING DOWN [2/15/17, 8:55:04 PM] julia rae: THE VOTES I HAVE FOR SURE [2/15/17, 8:55:07 PM] julia rae: NICHOLAS [2/15/17, 8:55:11 PM] julia rae: VERONICA [2/15/17, 8:55:14 PM] julia rae: ZACH [2/15/17, 8:55:15 PM] julia rae: ANDIE [2/15/17, 8:55:18 PM] julia rae: MADISON [2/15/17, 8:55:19 PM] julia rae: MATTHEW [2/15/17, 8:55:21 PM] julia rae: COLIN [2/15/17, 8:55:25 PM] julia rae: AND IM STILL TALKING TO PEOPLE [2/15/17, 8:55:31 PM] julia rae: BUT IT SHOULD BE AN EASY VOTE [2/15/17, 8:55:40 PM] julia rae: AND BOTH ME AND ANDIE ARE STILL IN THE GAME [2/15/17, 8:55:42 PM] julia rae: GOD BLESS MADISON

[2/15/17, 8:57:12 PM] julia rae: UPDATE [2/15/17, 8:57:17 PM] julia rae: I HAVE SYDNEYS VOTE [2/15/17, 8:59:25 PM] julia rae: I CANT BELIEVE THE HOGS GONE WILD PREMADE LIVES ANOTHER DAY

[2/15/17, 10:37:45 PM] julia rae: also I'm not very worried about Elijah and chrissa campaigning against me [2/15/17, 10:37:50 PM] julia rae: not to be mean [2/15/17, 10:37:57 PM] julia rae: but they are both not very smart [2/15/17, 10:38:36 PM] julia rae: so I could definitely manipulate and be able to control the others more than they will be able to

[2/16/17, 8:16:00 AM] julia rae: ok so this is the first time i've ever been nominated early in a game [2/16/17, 8:16:17 AM] Ruthie: :( [2/16/17, 8:16:18 AM] julia rae: and like,,, i understand why i'm not i'm so good at campaigning why [2/16/17, 8:16:20 AM] julia rae: wow

[2/16/17, 8:16:32 AM] julia rae: i think the vote should be 9-2 [2/16/17, 8:16:35 AM] julia rae: wooooo [2/16/17, 8:22:47 AM] julia rae: okay so matthew told me he's for sure voting to keep me and he's been campaigning for me nicholas is keeping me and he told me once he's out of his exam he has info to tell me andie is campaigning to keep me veronica, zach, sydney said they're all keeping me madison said she's keep me (which would make sense she did renom chrissa and i am in an alliance with her) julia told me she's keeping me and also told matthew rhea told me she'll think about keeping me but matthew told me she got her vote nic doesn't even have me as a FUCKING CONTACT SO FUCK HIM and then colin said he'd keep me but i think he has chrissa vote but whatever

[2/16/17, 8:31:28 AM] julia rae: i'm so stressedt but i think once andie campaigns to everyone i should be good [2/16/17, 8:42:33 AM] julia rae: connor capps voice i don't go prejury

[2/16/17, 8:07:01 PM] julia rae: okay so there were 4 votes to evict me which is kinda sus??? [2/16/17, 8:10:00 PM] julia rae: I hope rhea knows for not keeping me I'm going after her [2/16/17, 8:10:12 PM] julia rae: if I win hoh, I'm nominating Elijah and nic with rhea as a backdoor [2/16/17, 8:10:13 PM] julia rae: sooo

[2/16/17, 8:52:29 PM] AshleySarah ~Glee Host~: (*) How do you feel about Chrissa leaving? Do you think there will be a buyback? How important is HOH? (*) [2/16/17, 9:27:35 PM] julia rae: okay it pisses me off that in every game I play with rhea I try so hard to work with her and be loyal to her and I literally campaigned to her for HOURS and she still didn't keep me?? every fucking game for some reason rhea is always after me and it pisses me off because she had no reason to keep chrissa, like I sent her PARAGRAPHS on reasons why she should keep me and why I'm a good ally. its just so annoying because I'm always loyal to her in games and it fucks me up. so I'm not trusting rhea at all and shes just going to be a useless pawn ill nominate every time I'm hoh because god knows she probably wont win a comp [2/16/17, 10:38:34 PM] julia rae: okay literally fuck veronica. she's so fucking annoying and she's so hypocritical and problematic and she voted me out because i "attacked" elijah??? but what gets me mad is that she literally lied to my FACE and lied to literally all of my friends faces that she was voting to keep me and it's just so sketchy because i know she's working with elijah and nic and she was apart of the plan to backdoor me and andie bc she REFUSED not to use the veto and that's so sus i'm jsut so mad like i deadass thought she was my friend?? and for her to literally lie to me and then fight me about it makes me upset and mad like i didn't do anything to her and i've been and was going to be nothing but loyal but obviously not anymore

[2/16/17, 10:40:43 PM] julia rae: i'm not even going to bring up the amount of personal attacks she's made on people for no REASON

[2/16/17, 11:05:48 PM] julia rae: i'm glad i have andie in this game bc without him i'd feel completely alone so woo

[2/17/17, 10:25:01 PM] julia rae: PHEW IM SAFE [2/17/17, 10:25:15 PM] julia rae: AND ANDIE IS GOING TO NOM ELIJAH AND VERONICA SO IM SO HAPPY

[2/18/17, 12:42:27 PM] AshleySarah ~Glee Host~: (*) WITH SO MUCH GOING ON IN THE HOUSE WHO DO YOU KNOW YOU CAN TRUST?? WHO IS DEFINITELY NOT TRUST WORTHY??? (*) [2/18/17, 12:59:44 PM] julia rae: phew i gotta lot to say for that question i'll answer in a sec [2/18/17, 2:03:24 PM] Ruthie: okay (party) [2/18/17, 2:08:55 PM] julia rae: okay so I know I definitely cannot trust veronica, colin, Elijah, nic and somewhat rhea. I don't know what I did to any of them for them all to hate me but its whatever. I probably trust andie the most and then I somewhat trust Nicholas and matthew hennning. I know Nicholas wouldn't betray me until at least jury but what worries me is that hes close to veronica and probably reports everything I say back to her which is kinda scary. I need to talk to him to get his true opinions about the whole veronica situation bc I'm pretty sure he feels cautious of what he says around her. but ya for now I'm going to stick with andie/matthew/Nicholas and hopefully I can get closer to Madison/zach and have them rly trust me soon

[2/18/17, 3:37:10 PM] julia rae: okay so like andie is going insane [2/18/17, 3:37:34 PM] julia rae: which is kinda good for me bc it takes the target off my back but people are seeing us as a duo [2/18/17, 3:38:02 PM] julia rae: so imma need to distance myself from him a bit and just look like I’m alone and then maybe people will feel bad for me and not target tme

[2/21/17, 11:57:12 AM] julia rae: update: i made a deal with colin that if i vote to keep him we won't go after each other AND i made up with veronica so i think i'm in the clear as of now

[2/21/17, 8:05:39 PM] julia rae: i'm in the car with my DAD I DONT HAVE TIME TO DO THIS WHAT THE HECK [2/21/17, 8:05:51 PM] julia rae: whatever i don't need an advantage to be successful . [2/21/17, 9:19:05 PM] julia rae: can I do hoh now

[2/22/17, 10:53:52 AM] AshleySarah ~Glee Host~: (party) WHAT ARE YOUR THOUGHTS ON SUES TAKEOVER??? (party) [2/22/17, 1:20:20 PM] julia rae: eh I definitely think itll benefit me in a way, since my clique wasn't that helpful since I'm good with both roxy and andie so even if they were in power id be safe either way I think [2/22/17, 1:20:35 PM] julia rae: but I think its good for me

[2/22/17, 6:52:13 PM] julia rae: the songs that describe the hosts are brave honest beautiful and dope by 5h (inlove) [2/22/17, 6:53:44 PM] julia rae: ill do the other two when i have a computer

[2/23/17, 4:20:30 PM] julia rae: I'm going to go on a rant about rhea bc I was thinking about this last night and it rly PISSED me off. so I never did ANYTHING to this bitch to make her not trust me. literally in johto I was a loyal ass hoe to her and she knew it. she was the one who BACKSTABBED ME and if anything I should not trust her, but no shes so "afraid" of me and its so annoying because I literally haven't done shit to her in this game OR in johto. another thing that pisses me off about her is that she acts like her vote is so IMPORTANT LIKE BITCH THERES LIKE WHAT 12 PEOPLE LEFT?? YOUR VOTE DOESNT REALLY MATTER. she was acting like her voting me out was such a "big" move but OBVIOUSLY THE VOTES WERENT THERE LOL. it pisses me off that this game is filled with idiots. like colin, veronica, nic, AND rhea all knew I was staying and they didn't even try to get me out. they voted me out to piss me off and it fucking worked. like that's so annoying why would you vote in the minority if you KNEW THE VOTES WERENT THERE ???? hello??? I swear 60% of the people in this game don't have BRAINS. also I DONT KNOW WHY IM SEEN AS SUCH A BIG THREAT??? I HAVE DONE NOTHING IN THIS GAME OTHER THEN FIGHT ELIJAH FOR NOMINATING ME. which by the way, was also incredibly stupid bc he pissed off me AND MY FRIENDS??? AND I STILL STAYED???? like I'm not staying I have that much power in this game but I kinda do, like the people who went against me are now my friends/alliances target. ugh people annoy me [2/23/17, 4:22:45 PM] julia rae: also news flash: RHEA SUCKS AT GAMES AND SHES NOT A MASTER MIND!!! ALL SHE DOES IS DO WHAT PEOPLE TELL HER TO DO, AND IF SHE DOES MAKE HER OWN DECISION ITS USUALLY SO STUPID. IVE HOSTED HER IN GAMES AND I KNOW HOW SHE ACTS ABOUT EVERYTHING. UGH SHES SO ANNOYING I CANT WAIT UNTIL I WIN HOH AND PUT HER ASS UP :- )

[2/23/17, 9:51:32 PM] Ruthie: WHO DO YOU THINK WON THE MOST RECENT ADVANTAGE? ;)

[2/23/17, 10:00:51 PM] julia rae: I HAVE NO IDEA!!

[2/24/17, 10:03:41 PM] Ruthie: (Party) WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU WILL DO WITH THE GOLDEN POWER OF VETO? (party) [2/24/17, 10:05:04 PM] julia rae: hehe I'm deff going to use it on matthew and hopefully talk zach into backdooring roxy (party)

[2/27/17, 2:29:03 AM] julia rae: i'm going to make a music video staring my cat it's going to be so great get ready [2/28/17, 5:01:18 AM] julia rae: its uploading right now [2/28/17, 5:01:28 AM] julia rae: y’all better appreciate it i spent 1.29 buying a song

[3/2/17, 1:37:06 PM] julia rae: isn’t it funny how the 4 people who evicted me (+elijah) is going to be evicted back to back to back to back to back? it’s going to happen. [3/2/17, 1:37:16 PM] julia rae: no one FUCKS with me. [3/2/17, 1:37:20 PM] julia rae: FUCK you rhea.

[3/3/17, 9:21:24 PM] AshleySarah ~Glee Host~: (party) WHAT DO YOU THINK OF MADISON BEING BACK IN THE HOUSE? (party) [3/3/17, 9:23:43 PM] julia rae: honestly thats probably one of the best things that could've happened. I don't think shes after me and I could easily manipulate her

[3/4/17, 1:34:09 AM] julia rae: I DONT HAVE ANYTHING MICKEY MOUSE [3/4/17, 3:05:16 AM] julia rae: THIS IS RIGGED [3/4/17, 3:05:21 AM] julia rae: YALL ARE IN KAHOOTS WITH SYDNEY [3/4/17, 3:05:26 AM] julia rae: AND DOING THINGS SHE HAS [3/4/17, 3:05:31 AM] julia rae: THAT I DONT.

[3/4/17, 3:07:19 AM] julia rae: DO SOMETHING I WOULD HAVE [3/4/17, 3:07:27 AM] julia rae: SYDNEY CANT CATCH UP!!!!!! [3/4/17, 1:16:15 PM] julia rae: ive given up I'm so tired and don't have the energy to run [3/4/17, 1:16:23 PM] julia rae: sydneys going to win so I'm cool with that [3/4/17, 1:16:26 PM] julia rae: we both hate rhea

[3/5/17, 10:05:38 AM] Ruthie: (Party) HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT COLIN AND SYDNEY BEING CO-HOH THIS WEEK? (party) [3/5/17, 8:47:56 PM] julia rae: honestly I love Sydney but idk what colin will do as a renom so I just have to hope andie doesn't win pov

[3/7/17, 11:39:26 AM] Ruthie: (Lips) WHAT HAS BEEN YOUR FAVORITE AND LEAST FAVORITE COMPETITION THIS SEASON? (lips) [3/7/17, 11:39:59 AM] julia rae: all of them

[4/7/17, 3:44:57 AM] julia rae: dr from jury: I’m rly glad zachs in jury, if tho i was rooting for him i don’t feel so alone anymore<3