#i cant read anymorw

[kindaasrikal]

Patiently (not) waiting for the season in Dragons Rising that explores the Departed and Cursed realms because i am hoping (praying) that Morro (MORRO) will be shown as an important ally and just as a character again.

I AM DESPERATELY WAITING WITH MY NAILS SINKING INTO FOR MORRO BECAUSE HE HAS TO SHOW UP AGAIN. HE HAS TO. I NEED TO SEE HIM.

[medicaltechnician]

THIS IS WHY THOUGH!! I need something someone. To just, sort of my brain out and put it into order. I can’t trust, I can’t trust anyone or myself. Everything feels fucking fake and I don’t talk about it cause I know I sound crazy. I can’t view people as people half the time. But at the same time? I feel like I have a better grasp on empathy than some people. I know people have feelings and emotions and I try my best to make sure I don’t upse the balance and I think about people thoughts and feelings when and before I do something or say something. But, I also jusf, nothing is real. Everything is real.

DO YOU UNFERSTAND?? I DONT! I DONT? You see all that media of when people have mental breakdowns its physcial, violent, loud. Very very visible. Thats what I’m seeing in my head. Thats the voice my emotions take. When in reality, I’m laying here. Just firiously typing away, sometimes I’m tearing up and just have tears run down my face. SOMETIMES! I do have a sobbing breakdown thats rare though.

But I feel tight, I feel heavy and my ears ring and I metaphorucally see red but J don’t see red. Just the emotion of it. Tunnel vision. And my chest hurts and my throat is tigbt but its not cause im breathing normally. My normal. Which has always been very faint anf light and I honedtly don’t know how I am livinf half the time. Its not a medical condition its just me being weird and strange. And I have to remind mysef to breaht normally.

And the wors tof alm this? I put myself here. I’m the cause of all this cand I cant even help

myself and its stupud and i’m eorrh i feel things im tryi g so hard not to. Idk. Idk I feel like a shitty manipulative asshole who does everytbi g to his own gain and cant feel a fucking lick of sympathy for those aorund him. The only sympathy anf empathy he fucking feels is if they’ll grt sad whichwill make him feel worse and more like shit and its a never ending loop thag im in.

fuck j dont even know if im just stupidly villunizi g myself to get attention, mental illnsss, was conditioned. or judt making it al up. Idk whk I am.

i am starting to wonder if i need to check myself into a mental health institution? I don’t, think I’d be able to because, not an immediate harm to myself or others. But also I feel like I’m slowly loosing my mind. I really only keep it together when I’m not thinking bout everything. Idk. I don’tknow!! I honestly can’t trust my own feelings and expression of these feelings. I feel like a fraud.

[jayfeathersstick]

This post will mostly be to my irl friends but even if you have no clue who i am you can keep reading😀👌

Warning: the rest of this will contain topics such as, homophobia, transphobia, sexism, xenophobia etc.

Also please excuse my grammar and writing style. Im just writing down my thoughts.

I don't really know how to start this. I have been thinking about writing this for a long time. But today i finally decided to do it.

I live with my parents and (half) sister who's in college.

The problem is my dad.

No, he's not abusive, at least i don't think of him as abusive. That may sound strange but i genuinely don't know if he is and im just so immune to it that i don't think of it as abuse or if im just overreacting .

The real problem is his memtality.

He was born in the very late 60's so yes he is in fact old.

He has this mentality that he is right and EVERYBODY else is wrong. Everyone in my house has acknowledged this. Except him obviously.

Unfortunately (as some of you may have already realised based on the warnings) he is in fact xenophobic.

He is very very transphobic. For example:

"don't you think it wierd that people are out there pretending to be the other gender?"

"its either she or he, there is no they"

"this kind of 'stuff' wasn't around when i was your age"

Yes these are all direct quotes from him.

There are many many more that i cant think of right now but if i do remember any more i will add them.

Also, i know this is an age old argument but, ehat do you have against trans people? They arent bothering you? If anything YOU are the ones bothering them.

Anyways.

That's only his transphobic side.

We've barley touched his homophobic side.

Now, i will say the is very slightly more accepting of, this commumity than trans people.

Slightly.

By slightly i mean he dosent sit me down after seeing thr word "nonbianary" on the back of one of thr books my friend lent me and tell me all about these "odd people" that are-LIVING THEIR LIVES WITHOUT YOU BOTHERING THEM.

Exuse me.

A little cough came out there.

Also yes "odd people" is another direct quote.

Continuing on.

Sexism.

This one is very very vague because he's only given me a sexist vibe a few times but it still bothers me.

StOrY tImE

I was telling my dad about some of thr fights at my school and his legit resposlnse whaen i told him a teacher had gotten involved was "sometimes boys need to fight and i know your school will never agree with me but its true"

As you can see, very much a self believe that he is the only right person to ever exist on earth.

Another example:

I was telling him about some of my friends breaking up (platonically) and moving lunch tables because they weren't talking to each other anymorw.

" you see that happen a lot, girls fighting, but you just get used to it"

Like ?

He grew up with two other brothers, no sisters. How many women did you watch fight?

Also kinda off topic but he seems oddly against Chinese people💀

Idk what he has against them but he just...doesn't like them?

Anyways thank you for comin to my ted talk about all my dads problems.

I will update this if i ever feel the need to.

Originally posted on Mar 7 2024.

[grotesque-floor-puddle]

I know you put up with me at school because you had nobody else to talk to, or felt bad?? But?? You can’t just leave me like that!! I thought way too much and I assumed we were friends. Now you won’t respond to my texts, you’re dry again like before you got desperate. I’ve been asking the group chat for ages if somebody wants to meet up and cold, nothing. YOU HAVE THE AUDACITY TO SAY YOUVE BEEN MEETING UP WITH PEOPLE WHEN WERE FINALLY IN A VC TOGETHER. DO YOU NOT READ MY MESSAGES? COULD YOU AT LEAST SAY NO THANK UOU?? I COULD LIVE WITH A NO, SOME CONFIRMATION THAT YES PIDGE I SAW YOUR TEXTS BUT NO I DONT WANT TO MEET UP. NOT THAT SHIT. I WANT TO STOP WAITING FOR YOU LIKE A FUCKING DOG BUT I DIDNT UNDERSTAND YOUD ABANDONED ME. IM SO FUCKING SORRY THAT I THOUGHT WE WERE FRIENDS, YOU COULDVE LET ME DOWN GENTLY?? I HATE YOU I HATE YOU SO MUCH I WANT YOU TO FUCKING DIE. I DONT WANT YOU IN MY HEAD ANYMORW. I WANT YOU FUCKING GONE. I WANT YOU GONE. GO AWAY. I HATE YOU SO MUCH. FUCKING ASSHOLE. YOU NEVER FUCKING RESPECTED ME, YOU USED ME NOT FEEL LONELY. BUT I WAS LONELY. AND NOW IM FUCKING LONELY AGAIN BECAUSE I CANR MAKE FRIENDS. I THINK ITS EASIER TO FUCKING KILL MYSELF. I GIVE UP. I FUCKING GIVE UP. I CANT DO IT ANYMORE. IM SO FUCKED IN THE HEAD AND IT WILL NEVER GET BETTER.

[lunar-buds]

This is my villain origin story I’m evil now

[experimentdivine-remade]

w

[sweetbabyrayray]

sometimes i dont eat out of hope that one day i’ll be too weak to stand anymore. that one day maybe i’ll finally collapse from the pressure and stress, since i seemingly have been unable to have any kind of reaction to it all otherwise. that maybe i’ll crack and burn and writhe and, for once, feel something that isn’t this agonizing nothing. it doesn’t surprise me when the result is just my own quiet suffering. sleeplessness from discomfort, headaches from the weakness, misery from the exhaustion. it is my own fault, after all.

sometimes i push people away, stop messaging, stop asking, stop trying, out of hope that they’ll miss me and ask if im alright. hope that they’ll decide im worth pursuing. hope that they’ll latch to me and refuse to let go. show me that i’m not the only one who gives all i am in everything i do, every relationship i maintain. it doesn’t surprise me when they don’t, i don’t hold it against them. after all, its not fair for me to expect people to read my mind. i cant stop myself from wishing regardless.

sometimes i bite the sides of my fingers hard enough, deep enough to bleed, out of hope that it will make me cry. that maybe if i tear the skin apart, it will cause a physical reaction to counter this numb ache i feel all the time. it doesn’t surprise me when all it does is make me self conscious of my fingers, raw and red from my own self mutilation. i cant fight the urge, when it comes over me. but of course i know a baseless, cowardly excuse when i hear one.

maybe one day i’ll learn from my mistakes.

[angry-raccxxn]

Another Update

I am now crying in the dark in the bathroom while he angrily moves shit around in his room. Why do I even bother? Everyone just gets annoyed with me or pissed off at me,cal why do they fucking bother asking me to come over? I'm sorry I'm an asshole and that I'm fucking useless, but I'd honestly rather have you drop me as a friend than keep me around just so I can puss you off and annoy you over and over again.