#im fuckign disgusting cant believe im fuckign posting this and i sound like evrry goddamn abuser and idk

[medicaltechnician]

THIS IS WHY THOUGH!! I need something someone. To just, sort of my brain out and put it into order. I can’t trust, I can’t trust anyone or myself. Everything feels fucking fake and I don’t talk about it cause I know I sound crazy. I can’t view people as people half the time. But at the same time? I feel like I have a better grasp on empathy than some people. I know people have feelings and emotions and I try my best to make sure I don’t upse the balance and I think about people thoughts and feelings when and before I do something or say something. But, I also jusf, nothing is real. Everything is real.

DO YOU UNFERSTAND?? I DONT! I DONT? You see all that media of when people have mental breakdowns its physcial, violent, loud. Very very visible. Thats what I’m seeing in my head. Thats the voice my emotions take. When in reality, I’m laying here. Just firiously typing away, sometimes I’m tearing up and just have tears run down my face. SOMETIMES! I do have a sobbing breakdown thats rare though.

But I feel tight, I feel heavy and my ears ring and I metaphorucally see red but J don’t see red. Just the emotion of it. Tunnel vision. And my chest hurts and my throat is tigbt but its not cause im breathing normally. My normal. Which has always been very faint anf light and I honedtly don’t know how I am livinf half the time. Its not a medical condition its just me being weird and strange. And I have to remind mysef to breaht normally.

And the wors tof alm this? I put myself here. I’m the cause of all this cand I cant even help

myself and its stupud and i’m eorrh i feel things im tryi g so hard not to. Idk. Idk I feel like a shitty manipulative asshole who does everytbi g to his own gain and cant feel a fucking lick of sympathy for those aorund him. The only sympathy anf empathy he fucking feels is if they’ll grt sad whichwill make him feel worse and more like shit and its a never ending loop thag im in.

fuck j dont even know if im just stupidly villunizi g myself to get attention, mental illnsss, was conditioned. or judt making it al up. Idk whk I am.

i am starting to wonder if i need to check myself into a mental health institution? I don’t, think I’d be able to because, not an immediate harm to myself or others. But also I feel like I’m slowly loosing my mind. I really only keep it together when I’m not thinking bout everything. Idk. I don’tknow!! I honestly can’t trust my own feelings and expression of these feelings. I feel like a fraud.