#i cant imagine two fucked up minds taking turns on being stable

[shortkinglogan]

Comparing Wade and Logan's healing factors

I keep reading fics that seem unsure about how their individual healing factors work and differ so I'm making this post to help clear it up for anyone who cares (if you just wanna make stuff up for fun more power to ya)

Let's start with

Logan

As far as what he can heal from, it seems as long as there is a small amount of his genetic code, and as long as it gets enough energy, he can regenerated from just about anything.

He needs tons of calories to maintain the healing factor normally.

He can even regenerated from just a skeleton and it only takes a few minutes to happen.

He isn't seen reattaching limbs but I'd assume this is possible under the right conditions, for the same reasons Wade can do it.

There's also the rest of his abilities that are directly effected by his healing factor.

Without the admantium on his bones, his healing factor isn't constantly working, and his senses and instincts become more powerful, making him more likely to go feral. He also cannot regenerated the admantium because it wasn't a natural part of him to begin with.

Feral Logan is like a mental state he regresses into, he has been without the admantium and still not fully feral, seemingly because he has some people to anchor him, though he is still more animalistic like this. He can even be pulled back out of that mental state by just the scent of someone he cares about.

Wade

His healing is very similar to Logan's, yet also very different.

Wade also can regenerated from just a drop of blood if it can get energy to do so, for Wade, instead of an energy crystal thing, it's Logan's energy, growing off him like an ear on a mouse.

His healing factor works about as fast as Logan's as well able to regenerated quickly when needed. Unlike Logan though, Wade has been seen reattaching limbs instead of just growing them back, but it makes sense both could do it, Logan just keeps getting those dismembered limbs thrown miles away or destroyed so he didn't get a chance as far as I know to do the same as Wade.

Now this i see being weirdly interpreted and I feel like I know what's going on.

Its not a "dying factor" it's still a healing factor, it's just weird because of how CANCER works. Cancer is not dead cells, it's mutated constantly growing cells, so a healing factor would not pick that up as something to kill off or heal from, so wades cancer just spread until his entire body, skin bones and all, are nothing but cancerous cells, and stopping the cancer stops the healing because it stops the cells from regrowing, this, stopping his healing (of he wasn't made of cancer he may still be able to heal even if the cancer was stopped)

What his healing factor is constantly working on however is the effects of all this cancer on his body, he probably experiences a different organ failing on him and regrowing almost every day. So what would happen if he had no cancer to make his healing factor constantly work? Could he go feral too?

Short answer no, in fact, Logan's feral state is more because of his other abilities than the healing factor, I feel like a Wade without the cancer would be like Nicepool, not in constant pain and trying to cover it up, not mentally unstable due to many brain tumors, and doesn't really have a reality hole in his brain.

Also in the comics at least, not MCU Wade, he is cursed with immortality by Thanos cause he was jealous Wade was with death romantically, so he literally cannot die, and the healing factor is no longer even a real player in his inability to die.

So in conclusion

Their healing factors work basically in the exact same way, just has a different effect on each of them due to their respective personal traits (cancer brain vs animal brain)

Neither is better than the other, they are equals, at least until Wade starts mackin on death and becomes immortal.

You just can't kill them without starving them first, and even then we know Logan will eat himself (and feed his flesh to Wade) before allowing either to starve.

Side note, they definitely can age (or at least, Logan does, Wade being immortal and all can't now) even with the healing factor, it doesn't stop aging, but it does make him able to live WAY longer than any normal human. Gotta give some love to old man Logan.

If anyone thinks I've missed something or has theories for things that aren't solid confirmed that differ from my own please lmk! 💙💛

[waitimcomingtoo]

Obedience

Part two 

Pairing: Peter Parker x Reader

Synopsis: after being tortured by HYDRA, you have to obey every command given to you

warnings: mentions of suicide

Masterlist

“How is she?”

Steve stared at you with sad eyes, watching your through the glass window on your door. It had been three months since HYDRA captured you during a mission. In those three months, they put you through a form of torture worse than the team could imagine. You’d finally be found and had been staying in the hospital until your vitals were stable.

“Not good.” The nurse sighed. “She doesn’t say much. Eye contact is even more rare.”

“Do you know what they did to her?”

“It’s unclear.” The nurse said. “She has no physical injuries. She doesn’t like it when we turn the lights off, though. We think they kept her in the dark.”

“Can I see her?” He asked, without taking his eyes off you.

“You can.” She nodded. “We can’t promise she’ll speak to you.”

“I’m gonna try.” Steve smiled at the nurse before going into your room. You jumped slightly and withdrew your knees to your chest at the sudden noise of the door opening.

“Hey Y/n.” Steve smiled at you as he slid his hands in his pockets. “It’s good to see you.”

“Hey, captain.” You slowly unfurled your body at the sight of someone familiar. Steve went to close the door behind him, but you protested.

“Wait, don’t close the door. They used to…” You trailed off and seemed to space out, so Steve took his hands away from the door.

“It’s okay.” He assured you. “I’ll leave it open.”

“Thank you.” You mumbled quietly.

“No problem. Mind if I sit here?” He asked as he pointed to a chair by your bed.

“Yes, sir.” You nodded stiffly.

“How are you feeling?” He asked as he took a seat.

“Not great.” You smiled weakly and rubbed the side of your head. “They uh, they fucked up my head, sir.”

“I heard. Here.” He handed you a bottle of juice he grabbed from the cafeteria. “You should drink something.”

“Thank you, sir.” You didn’t look at him as you accepted the bottle. You took a long sip and grimaced after you swallowed it.

“Whats wrong?” He asked when he saw the look of disgust on your face.

“I hate orange juice.” You confessed as you took another sip.

“Then why are you drinking it?” He wondered. “I have water right here.”

You took the glass of water and briefly looked him in the eyes, giving him a weak smile.

“It’s HYDRA. They got inside my head.” You whimpered. “I cant say no to something, even when I want to.”

“Oh.” Steves face fell as you told him. “Don’t worry about this, Y/n. I’m gonna figure out how to fix you.”

“Okay.” You said cheerfully, sitting up straight with a bright smile. Your body language did not match your sudden chipper mood, and it alarmed Steve.

“Woah, what happened?”

“You told me not to worry.” You said sadly. His eyes widened as he realized the extent of your condition. He found it deeply disturbing to watch you, knowing your smile was fake, but kept a straight face.

“Right, sorry.” He nodded. “You can relax.”

With that, your body slumped and you fell over on the bed. You looked at him sadly as you laid there, looking anything but relaxed.

“This might be harder than I thought.”

~

When Peter heard the car door close, he rushed to the window. He stopped sleeping the first night you were gone and stoped eating when you were legally declared dead a month later.

“There you are.” Peter rushed away from the window to Steve. “Is Y/n with you? Is she okay?”

“She’s with me but she’s not okay.” Steve said quietly, giving Peter a stern look that told him to relax.

“Why?” He felt himself getting emotional. “What did they…”

He trailed off when you walked through the front door looking skinnier and smaller than ever. Peter let out a breath of relief as tears came to his eyes. You didn’t look at him, but he was staring at you.

“Hey.” You said weakly, slowly lifting your eyes to look at him.

“Hey.” Peter said back, wiping his face free of tears. “I missed you. I’ve been really worried. I, uh, how are you? How are you feeling?”

“Tired.” You nodded. “I’m just gonna go to sleep, if that’s all right?”

You looked to Steve for permission, which he wasn’t expecting. Peter looked between the two of you in confusion.

“Yeah, of course.” Steve told you. “You can do anything you want.”

“Thank you, sir.” You said softly.

“Are you sure?” Peter asked. “You’ve been gone for so long. You should eat something”.

You immediately stopped in your tracks and went to the kitchen. Peter watched as you robotically took an orange from the fruit bowl and began to peel it with shaking hands.

“Whats happened?” He whispered to Steve. “Why is she doing that?”

“Thanks to whatever HYDRA did to her, she obeys every command given to her.” Steve whispered back as he watched you.

“That wasn’t a command.” Peter told him. “I was just suggesting that she eat something. She looks so hallow.”

“It doesn’t matter.” Steve shrugged. “She just has to do what she’s told.”

“Is she in pain?” Peter asked him as he watched you with guilty eyes.

“Not physically.” Steve shook his head. “I think it’s hurting her on the inside. A lot.”

“Really?” Peter asked sadly. You had now finished your orange and sat waiting for further instruction.

“May I go to bed now, please?” You asked, uncharacteristically spoke spoken.

“Yeah.” Steve smiled softly at you. “You don’t have to ask.”

“Thank you.” You nodded before running off your room. Once you were gone, Steve hung his head in his hands and let out a long sign. Peter watched him curiously, not used to seeing him show this kind of emotion. He looked up with glassy eyes and looked at Peter, shaking his head sadly.

Two months since HYDRA

“Good morning”. You greeted Peter as you sat next to him at the kitchen table. It was a rare morning when you were out of your room, and an even rarer moment to see you smiling.

“Hey.” Peter smiled brightly at you. “How’d you sleep?”

“Um.” You bit your lip as you thought back on your restless night. “Fine. Just had a few bad dreams.”

“Do you want to talk about them?” Peter asked politely.

“I would prefer not to, if that’s okay?” You asked him as if it was up to him. It pained him to see you asking permission for everything.

“Then we won’t.” He assured you. “Do you want some cereal?”

“You mean you didn’t eat it all?” You teased, showing a glimmer of your usual self.

“Shut up.” He chuckled as he nudged you. You instantly shut your mouth, looking frustrated with yourself for doing so.

“Sorry.” Peter apologized immediately. “I didn’t mean it like that. You can speak.”

“Thank you, sir.” You cleared your throat, all traces of the person Peter once knew reverting back inside.

“You don’t have to thank me.” He said softly as he rubbed your shoulder. “And you don’t have to call me “sir.” It’s just me. Just Peter.”

“Can we just change the subject?” You asked him, looking at him with pain filled eyes.

“Yeah.” Peter nodded. “Are you coming in the mission later?”

“Yeah.” Your smile returned again. “Mr. Stark cleared me for work last night.”

“Thats great.” Peter smiled back. “I’ve missed my partner in crime.”

“I missed you to.” Your smile faded a little. “Thinking about you was what got me through when they…you know.”

“I thought about you too.” Peter put his hand over yours and rubbed his thumb softly on your knuckle. “Every day. Nothing else would enter my mind.”

“Do you think I’m ever gonna be normal again?” You whispered as you leaned closer to him.

“I do.” Peter nodded, tilting his face to the side as he inches closer. “It’s all going to be okay.”

Peter your lips could touch, Sam walked in the room with a bowl of cereal. He was one of the Avengers who assumed you and Peter had gotten together years ago, so he didn’t feel bad interrupting your moment.

“Ew.” Sam snorted. “Don’t do that in front of my cereal.”

You immediately pulled away, physically having to obey Sam. You sighed angrily and looked at Peter with sad eyes before getting up.

“Y/n.” Peter called after you, not wanting you to leave but not wanting to give you a command. You kept walking, not wanting to talk about what happened.

You didn’t bring up the almost kiss all day, which Peter was grateful for. You acted normal around him at the mission, too excited to be working again to think about the awkward moment. You focused on completing your task and got through most of the mission without a problem.

“I got the vials.” You proudly held up three stolen vials of Pym particles to show Peter. He finished webbing the security guard and smiled at you.

“Nice job.” Peter high fived you. “Hank is gonna be so relieved.”

“I know. Come on we gotta go.”

You and Peter began to run towards the jet when you tripped an alarm by accident. A guard came out of the watchtower and shined a flashlight on you, making you run faster.

“Hey!” He shouted. “Stop right there!”

Your face scrunched in frustration as your feet stuck to the floor. You tried to keep running but you were stuck in place.

“What are you doing?” Peter exclaimed when he noticed you weren’t behind him. “We have to go!”

“I can’t move!” You shook your head angrily. “He told me to stop.”

“We gotta go.” Peter quickly scooped you up and ran with you. You held on to him and hid your face in his neck, not wanting him to see how upset you were. Peter ran all the way back to the jet and climbed inside.

“What happened to you two?” Tony asked as Peter set you down. You turned around and punched the wall out of anger as Peter watched you.

“He told Y/n to stop so she had to obey.” Peter said quietly, making Tony’s face fall. You turned around and nodded, looking angry with yourself.

“I’m sorry, Y/n.” Tony sighed. “But until we get this figured out-“

“I can’t go on the missions.” You nodded, already knowing what was coming.

“I’m sorry.” He apologized.

“Yeah.” You sighed and kept your eyes down. “I’m sorry too.”

Eight months since HYDRA

“Where are you?” Peter called you to ask when he didn’t find you in the tower. You were usually waiting for him when he came from patrol, but you were nowhere to be found today.

“I’m at some store downtown.” You answered as you turned down a street corner.

“Alone?” Peter worried.

“It’s fine, Peter.” You assured him. “I was going crazy sitting in the tower all day. I needed to go out.” You sighed.

“It’s not safe for you to be outside when you can’t say no to anything.” Peter reasoned. “I can think of a million bad things that can happen. You shouldn’t be alone.”

Your feet started moving before you had a chance to process what he said and you planted yourself next to the first person you saw. You smiled awkwardly at the man and tried to walk away, but you were stuck. Peter told you not to be alone, so you had to obey.

“Nothing bad is going to happen.” You assured him. “No one knows about my condition.”

“Can I at least meet you where you are?” He asked, careful not to give you a command. “It will make me feel better.”

“Okay, fine.” You agreed. “You can meet me here.”

“Okay. Thank you.” Peter sighed in relief. “I’ll see you soon.”

You tried to walk again and were able to this time. You started walking down an alleyway to find a store to meet Peter at when you heard a mans voice behind you.

“Hey.” He called. “Slow down.”

You started walking slower despite your inner protest and felt your heart rate pick up. The footsteps behind you got faster and soon you were joined by the man from earlier.

“I overheard you on the phone.” He began. “Is it true you say yes to everything?”

“I’m sorry, I have to go.” You gave him a tight smile and continued walking slowly.

“Answer my question.” He called after you.

“It’s true.” You blurted, always having to obey. You began to sweat as he caught up to you again and began to toy with your hair.

“Interesting.” He remarked. “Spin around.”

You shut your eyes in frustration and spun around in a circle, earning an amused laugh.

“Wow.” He clapped his hands. “Isn’t that amazing?”

“I really have to go.” You told him. “Please just leave me alone.”

You started walking away again, allowed to run now since his original command wore off.

“Stop.” You heard his voice, and you had to stop.

“So it’s true.” He smirked as he circled around you. “You do obey everything. Even when you don’t want to?”

You stayed silent and kept your eyes down, praying he’d get bored and leave.

“Answer me.” He got too close to you to say into your ear.

“Yes.” You answered in a weak voice.

“I could have fun with this.” He smiled and folded his arms. He stared at you for a minute before tracing his finger along the side of your face. You tried to move but you stayed still.

“You don’t want to do this.” You told him. Your threat was pretty empty without your suit or your free will. If you tried to fight him, he could just tell you to stop.

“Aw, but I do.” He pouted. “You’re pretty when you threaten me. But it would sound a lot better if you had a smile on.”

You smiled against your will, feeling a hot flash of embarrassment.

“That’s better.” He talked to you like you were a child. “Now, walk with me.”

You began to walk side by side with him, having no idea where he was taking you. You passed some police officers on the street and tried to make eye contact.

“Don’t say anything.” He mumbled in your ear. “Keep your eyes down.”

You did as you were told and continued walking with him until you reached a black van.

“Get in the car.” He said, and you began to climb in. You tried to fight the urge to climb into the car, gripping the side and pushing yourself back. Your need to obey commands overtook your instincts and you got in the car.

“There we go. Now buckle your seatbelt and-“

Before he could finish his sentence, he was kicked in the head. You peeked your head out of the car and saw Peter punching the man in the face.

“Jeez, dude. Where are you manners?” Peter asked as he shook out his hand. He webbed the man to the ground and dialed 911 before turning to you.

“Peter.” You breathed in relief, forgetting he was supposed to meet you. Peter pulled you out of the car and hugged you tightly. You squeezed him back, grateful he was overprotective today.

“Are you okay?” He asked. “I heard him as I was swinging over.”

“What do you think?” You asked, suddenly getting angry. “Do you know how bad that could have been?”

“I know.” Peter nodded. “But it’s okay now.”

“Why does everyone keep saying this is okay?” You let go of Peter and backed away. “I have no free will. Do you know how it feels to not be the one in control?”

“I don’t. And I’m sorry.” He tried to calm you down. “But the team is doing everything they can to fix you. Just calm down.”

Your frown immediately faded as your shoulders relaxed, calming down against your will.

“I’m sorry.” Peter realized what he did. “I didn’t mean that as a command.”

“It doesn’t matter.” You shrugged sadly. “I still have to obey.”

“This won’t last forever.” He promised you. “But you shouldn’t go anywhere alone until we figure this out.”

“Great.” You laughed humorlessly. “So I already have to obey commands, and now I need a leash. HYDRA turned me into a fucking dog.”

“I’m sorry.” Peter mumbled, not sure what else to say. “I wish I could help you.”

“Stop apologizing. It’s not your fault.” You said without looking at him. He could tell you didn’t want to talk about it anymore.

“I know. I’m sorry.” He apologized again before realizing what he said. “Shoot. Sorry. Let’s just go home.”

Your body jerked forward and you started moving in the direction of the tower. Peter squeezed his eyes shut, cursing himself for giving you a command.

“I didn’t mean-“ He began as he jogged beside you.

“Whatever.” You cut him off, not wanting another apology. “It’s fine. Let’s just go home.”

~

You didn’t want Peter to think you were mad at him from the other day, so you went to his room to talk. He couldn’t be blamed for what happened with the man on the street, and you couldn’t be blamed for the anger it caused you. To make sure everything was okay, you knocked on his door and went it when you heard his voice.

“Hey, Pete. What are you up to?” You asked as you took a seat on his bed.

“I’m trying to fix the calibration on my web shooter. I couldn’t get a web out fast enough today.” He grumbled as he tweaked the wires that were popping out of his web shooter.

“Did something happen?” You worried, examining his face for injuries. He froze and looked up at you with guilty eyes.

“Um, kinda.” He answered before pulling up his shirt to reveal a deep, poorly bandaged wound.

“You got stabbed?” Your eyes widened. “Again?”

“You would not believe how fast knives have gotten.” Peter defended himself.

“I probably wouldn’t.” You shrugged. “It’s been five months since I’ve been on a mission.”

“Sorry.” He grimaced. “I didn’t mean to bring it up.”

“It’s fine, Peter.” You shrugged it off. “Let me bandage you up. That’s not sanitary.”

“You don’t have to.” He told you and you gave him a look.

“But you can if you want.” He followed up. You had broken your habit of asking for permission for everything, but you were still sensitive about commands. You got up and got some of his medical supplies from his top drawer, knowing exactly where they were. You sat back on his bed and helped him pull his shirt over his head, pretending not to notice the way he flushed to his ears. You carefully removed his bandages and poured some hydrogen peroxide on a Cotten ball.

“This is gonna sting.” You said quietly as you looked in his eyes.

“Okay. Hold my hand, please?” He asked shyly as he uncurled his hand. You slipped your hand into his before you had time to process what he said.

“Wow.” You teased. “Using my condition against me, I see.”

“Well you’ve been isolating yourself so I’m taking advantage of my time with you.” Peter said, giving your hand a squeeze. “I miss you.”

“Yeah.” You squeezed back. “I miss you too.”

You smiled at him before dabbing the Cotten ball on his wound. You bandaged it tightly, smoothing your hand over his side to secure the gauze.

“Thanks.” He mumbled, never taking his eyes off you. “It feels better already.”

“No problem.” You smiled shyly. “How’s the web shooter coming along?”

“Let’s see.” Peter snapped out of his daze and picked his shooter back up. “Okay, be honest-“

“I like you.” You blurted, immediately slapping a hand over your mouth. Peter looked up in shock at your confession and dropped the shooter on his lap.

“What?” He asked, an involuntary smile breaking out into his face.

“I’m sorry. You said “be honest” and I must’ve taken it as a command.” You stammered as you got off his bed. “I’ll leave.”

“Wait! Don’t go.” Peter protested, making you stop in place. “I mean, I hope you don’t go.”

You were released from the command and found yourself able to move but not wanting to.

“I would appreciate it if you sat back down on my bed.” He said quietly, and you purposefully obliged.

“You don’t have to phrase everything like that.” You told him as you sat back down.

“I don’t want to give you any more commands.” He said softly. You gave him an appreciative smile and handed him his shirt, realizing he never put it back on. Peter thanked you and pulled it over his head, leaving his curly hair tousled and adorable.

“Do you really like me?” He asked quietly as he nervously pulled at his fingers.

“I do.” You nodded, finding no use in denying it. “That wasn’t exactly the way I wanted to tell you, but I do.”

“Well I’m not complaining.” Peter shrugged, making you laugh. “I personally think that was a perfect way to break the news.”

“Break the news.” You laughed again at his wording. “I’m not pregnant, Peter. Just in love with your dorky ass.”

“You’re so mean.” He laughed and shoved your slightly. You leaned into him as you came back from the shove, your faces almost touching.

“Kiss me.” He whispered as he looked into your eyes. You did as you were told, but it didn’t feel like a command. It felt like something you had been waiting for for years.

Peter kissed you back to the best of his ability, but his emerging smile kept getting in his way. He relaxed enough to stop smiling and put his hands on your face, kissing you the way he’d always wanted to. When you pulled away, he was finally able to let that smile out.

“Did you do that because you wanted to or because you were obeying me?” He asked softly.

“I promise, I wanted to.” You told him before pulling him into another kiss.

Ten months since HYDRA

“Y/n, please. I would like to talk about this.” Peter called after you as the two of you barged in the front door. Tony quickly stopped eating his lunch to eavesdrop on your fight.

“There’s nothing to talk about, Peter.” You grumbled as you walked past the kitchen. “Don’t follow me.”

“What happened?” Tony got up to stop you. “Are you hurt?”

You stayed quiet as you stared at Tony with pained eyes, feeling too embarrassed to explain what had happened.

“Do you want to tell him?” Peter asked quietly from behind you, not wanting to upset you anymore than you already were.

“I crashed my car.” You stated as you kept a straight face. You were just waiting for Tony to take away your driving privileges, one of the few things you had left.

“What?” He asked. “How?”

“It was my fault.” Peter began and you rolled your eyes. “She was bummed out about her condition so I told her to keep her head up and-“

“And I did.” You laughed humorlessly. “I kept it up so I couldn’t see the road and I nearly killed someone. I could’ve killed you!” You screamed at Peter.

“But you didn’t.” He said back, trying to stay calm. “It’s okay, really-“

“It’s not okay! Stop saying it’s okay!” You shouted as you tugged at your hair. “I can’t live like this anymore.”

“We’re working on a cure.” Tony assured you. “We’re going to-“

“To what? To fix me?” You asked. “You’ve been saying that for almost a year and I’m still like this. I can’t work, I can’t drive, I can’t go anywhere alone. What am I doing?”

“These things take time.” Tony said calmly but you weren’t having it.

“I don’t have time. I almost killed Peter today.” Your voice came out hoarse. “I nearly got myself killed a few months ago. If you don’t have a cure by next week, then…”

“Then what?” Peter interrupted, but you kept your back to him.

“Then it’s time to start thinking about my other options.” You said, only to Tony.

“What other options?” Peter asked but Tony knew exactly what you were talking about.

“It’s too soon to start thinking about that.” Tony stated. “Bruce and I are getting closer every day.”

“You said I had a year.” You reminded him. “It’s been a year.”

“It’s been 10 months.” Tony retorted.

“What are you talking about?” Peter asked again, getting more worried by the second.

“You promised.” You whispered. “You promised me we could talk about this if you couldn’t find a cure.”

“Talk about what?” Peter questioned, but was again ignored.

“I will find a cure.” Tony promised. “You just have to give me some more time.”

“I’m out of time. And so are you.” You angrily pointed at him.

“Screw this.” Peter sighed and jumped to drastic measures. “Y/n, tell me what you’re talking about.”

“Mr. Stark said he could euthanize me if he didn’t find a cure in a year.” You blurted. You turned around slowly and looked at Peter with betrayal in your eyes. He was too focused on what you just admitted to see the extent of what he had done.

“What?” He yelled. “You said what?”

“It’s none of your business, Peter.” You snapped. “How could you use my condition against me like that? You had no right to give me a command. You knew I’d have to obey it.”

“I’m sorry, I panicked.” He apologized. “You want to kill yourself?”

“You have no idea what pain I’m in every day.” You shook your head. “I gave it a year and I’m still miserable.”

“Miserable?” He whispered, taking your words personally. He knew you were still in pain, but he thought you’d been better since you started dating. Your words made him believe he was wrong. You noticed the sadness in his eyes and sighed, your anger simmering away.

“Could you give us a minute, Mr. Stark?” You asked without turning around.

“I’ll be in the lab.” Tony nodded, grabbing his food before leaving.

Once he was gone, you walked to Peter and pulled him into a kiss to apologize. He tearfully kissed you back before pushing you away and wiping his eyes.

“You’ve been miserable this whole time?” He sniffled.

“Not the whole time.” You promised as you wiped his tears. “But when I am fighting a constant battle of what I want to do and what I’m told to do, I end each day exhausted. It’s terrifying somedays. And it’s so, so lonely.”

“But you have me.” He said quietly.

“I do.” You smiled a little. “But you’re away a lot. And I can’t put all of my happiness on you. That’s not fair to you and not healthy for our relationship.”

“I know you’re hurting, but killing yourself is not the answer.” He told you. “How could you even consider that?”

“You don’t get it, Peter.” You sighed. “I am one part of your already great life. You get to go on life saving missions during the week and explore the city on your free time. And you have someone who loves you to come home to when you’re done. It’s not like that for me. All I have is you. I just sit here waiting for you to come home. Like I’m some kind of…”

“Dog.” He finished your sentence, understanding your pain in a new way.

“Exactly.” You nodded. “I don’t expect you to understand, but I’m hoping you can at least try to see things from my side.”

“I’m gonna start helping Mr. Stark and Dr. Banner in the lab.” Peter decided. “We’re the world’s mightiest heroes. One of us has to be able to fix this. This can’t be your last choice.”

“It’s been nearly a year Peter.” You shrugged sadly. “I don’t think this can be fixed.”

“But I can try.” He grasped your hands tightly.

“All I’m asking for is another year. One year to do everything I can to fix you.”

“I don’t know if I can take another year of this. I’m sorry.” You cupped his face to apologize, set on your decision.

“Please?” He whispered. “For me?”

“Okay.” You agreed, making his face light up. He hugged you tightly and kissed the side of your head, thanking you for giving him a chance. In the heat of the moment, it didn’t occur to Peter that you only agreed because you had to. You began to silently cry as you hugged him back, not having the heart to tell him you didn’t mean what you said. You didn’t want to agree, but you had no choice in the matter.

He asked for a year, and you had to obey.

PART TWO 

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[bigsteeb]

this is gonna be a long post so bear with me, growing pains got a b i g emotional reaction out of me & I need to share my thoughts & feelings about it because jesus fucking christ.

ok first things first, someone hug this boy immediately. he’s sat in his room, still in his pajamas, in day time watching dog copter. this whole scene is just steven going “lol I’m sad, I’m gonna comfort eat & stay in my pajamas & watch a kids show I watched when I wasn’t as sad haha” & it’s not only upsetting, but relatable too fuck. his room is a mess along with him eating ice cream at what I assume is morning… making it his breakfast? geez steven. also idk if it’s just me here but in this shot he looks… bigger? like ignoring his body size shifting later on in the episode he looks a lot wider than he usually does when paul & drew board episodes to me, he’s rivalling etienne & maya’s steven’s wideness. did he… get chubbier from comfort eating? how much time has passed since together forever for him to put on weight if he has? this could literally just be steven slouching or his pajamas making him look bigger but as someone who is an advocate for the body positivity shown in su & suf it has me curious. I want to hug this soft, sad boy. It could also be due to how steven’s design fluctuates through the animation process, it’s never really on model all the time. 

the grunting noise he makes in this scene is very distressing, as are other moments from the episode too. a glimpse at the glow-bracelet he proposed to connie with is enough to physically pain him? fuck me man. is he leaving his room where there’s already ice cream… to get more ice cream? sobs. also the puns in this shot. I cant? slow burn?! you’re evil crewniverse. not to mention his body size changing throughout this scene, god this poor lad.

screams, this was when I started worrying. the boy is now in an environment he has never been in before & is feeling extremely uncomfortable & vulnerable. look at the lines under his eyes, his sad eyebrows & pout I hate it. also don’t even get me started on this part. the slight raise of a voice being enough to send him into panic?! fuck I hate how much I relate to that. 

here’s where I immediately broke, no god damn pun intended. seeing steven’s skeleton, steven’s fucking skull, like this pained me. that crack on his skull is from fucking jasper in jail break. I can’t express all of the visceral emotions that were going through my body at this. there was intense sadness for steven, extreme anger at jasper & the gems for allowing shit like this to happen to him. turns out he’s not as resilient as we thought he was. each hit he takes physically breaks him & then his gem instantly heals his wounds, my heart fucking broke at this. think back to everything that happened to him, everything that physically hurt him. it broke him I can’t deal with it! then there’s what priyanka says to steven next;

“you seem to of made a series of miraculous recoveries, but that doesn't change the fact that you experienced trauma. you’ve recovered physically but, have you recovered mentally?”

this part here along with her reassuring him that there’s nothing wrong with his brain, how childhood trauma can have an impact on how your body responds to stress & how you act in your social life, the usage of the word “cortisol” too. this stuff being in a children's tv show is incredible. the writing for priyanka describes trauma simply enough for kids to understand, but for adults to fully realise too. folks, steven has ptsd. there wasn't one bit of sugarcoating about it or nothing, this is canon fact & it hurts me. for so long have I wanted steven’s emotional issues to be alked about, to not only be brought to steven’s attention but to the audience’s too.

everything that has happened to him has built up to this moment. this moment where his behaviour & coping methods are finally making sense to a large majority of the fandom, & to steven himself. he’s hurting; physically, mentally & emotionally, & he isn’t coping well what so ever about it. his emotional support system is complete garbage, no one regularly checks in on him & folks just take steven at face value like “oh yea glowing pink? he’s fine it’s just steven” but he’s the bad person?! I hope a lot of you out there who genuinely believe steven is a bad person re-think yourselves after this. dealing with trauma is tough as shit. some days you even wonder if that one thing that fucked you up is really worth being labelled as trauma. I still can’t believe this is the route they’re taking, if he doesn’t get some form of therapy by the end of future I’ll be furious.

then things begin to spiral as he remembers what happened with connie. he clutches his chest in pain & begins changing size over intense amounts of stress & it was extremely distressing to watch. steven immediately reassures connie that this isn’t because of her, but because of everything else that happened to him. however. I believe that that’s a slight lie, he wouldn’t of spiralled if he hadn’t of remembered the proposal, steven you fucking himbo. he continues to reassure them both that he’s fine, just that he needs them to leave so he can calm himself enough to control himself.

then this happens.

“I. CAN’T. BE AROUND YOU RIGHT NOW!”

this was fucking intense. he means this literally in 2 ways btw. his body size shifting over the stress he’s feeling is a danger to both connie & priyanka in this moment, but it’s also because of how it started. being around connie hurts him. he’s not mad at her though let me make that very clear, just that thinking about what happened when he tired to propose to her is sending his head in a fritz. he did what he did full of confidence in together forever, for connie to then make him realise how silly he was being. these two are destined for each other, but that advice from ruby & sapphire has really fucked with him. he looks up to those 2, looks up to garnet, their relationship is so strong & stable. for them to give him that advice & to then scream “DO IT!” in his face is incredibly tasteless imo.

then greg gets here. I knew connie was calling for either greg or the gems when she was on her phone as she left the room, fuck yea connie I love you. the breathless, strained “thank you” from steven towards connie for calling his dad? g o d. connie telling him she’ll be there for him when he’s ready?! g o d. these next boards were done by rebecca, I knew immediately when I saw steven’s face. it makes sense that rebecca boarded these, because fuck. 

how do I move on from all of the stuff I’ve been through? how do I live life if it always feels like I’m about to die!?

I’m tearing up as I type this. when I first heard the leak of this audio I so badly wanted to believe it, but to also believe it was fake too. I was an emotional mess off & on for about 3 days over it because I couldn't stop thinking about how fucking distressing it was. like… shit steven. he seriously feels this. I can’t even begin to imagine the pain he felt just saying this in front of his fucking dad. he is hurting badly. this boy, this sweet sweet boy we’ve watched grow & develop into the person he is today is distraught about his future & life. it is… soul crushing to watch this. a group of friends of mine have found joking about the episode as a form of coping with the intensity of it & as much as that’s valid as fuck, any joke coming from this episode feels morally wrong to me. I can’t bring myself to join in it feels terrible even thinking about laughing at it to cope. I love them all, but I can’t bare myself to join them. this moment ending with greg comforting steven, telling him he’s here for him & all of his struggles, got me weeping. greg is possible the best father figure I’ve seen on tv, let alone a kids tv show. he’s amazing.

the final scene right here is lovely. greg making steven a hot chocolate & listening to him vent, reassuring him over his worry for his future. this right here is exactly what steven needs. someone to talk to, someone he could trust to talk about his feelings to. this the start of his support system, tag on peri from in dreams, bis in bismuth casual as well as connie from the past few episodes & it’s already looking great! even when greg eased him about being there for him steven still feels guilty about him leaving his tour, leaving his tour because he got a phone call from connie about his son being in need & steven feels guilty about it. fucking hell man. I did enjoy how the episode ended though, with that little moment between the both of them;

“just get some rest kiddo. you don’t have to solve all of your problems in one night.”

“yea. thanks dad.”

it’s a great message too, all of your struggles can’t be dealt with all at once. I’ve used a similar analogy before but it’s like removing a dead tree. you have to deal with all of the little things surround this issue first before you get to the deep, harder stuff. along side the message about trauma they’re both very important messages, I’m glad they exist in the show.

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one more thing before I end my thoughts & feelings over growing pains.

this ending shot;

as soon as I saw the frog mug my mind raced back to the promo for this scene, & this whole moment to come entirely. if you remember this moment has the first set of leaked audio within it, the audio of the gems basically cornering steven about him not opening up to them. christ pearl even gets mad at him for his gem building a wall behind him, protecting him from them. it’s common knowledge, I hope, that steven’s gem reacts to his emotional state. pearl herself has said this;

“I think your gem is reacting to your state of mind.”

his gem building this wall? it felt like steven was being threatened by them. this scene now has awful connotations with it. because since we now know what the pink mode is doing to steven, how actually painful it is, think back to these;

yea. fuck the gems. I’ll let it slide if steven, greg or priyanka haven’t told them about what happened at the hospital. but if they do know, if they know how much it hurts steven being in his pink mode & still press into him about it I’ll see red. with steven’s trauma & now ptsd being cemented into the show I fucking hope garnet, amethyst & pearl get held accountable for what they put on him as a kid. that shit will not slide with me if they don’t. do not condone what the gems put him through. do not condone the gems for making steven feel like he had to be his mum for them. just… don’t. please.

[belovedbangtan]

DIVE : Part 2

<Part 1>

Pairings: Jungkook x y/n, Yoongi x oc

Word Count: 4.4k

Description: Camping with your ex, sounds horrible right? The camping trip was planned and payed for long before y/n’s shitty boyfriend broke up with her. Her best friend Abby, Yoongi, Taehyung, Jimin, and Jungkook are there to make sure she has an amazing time. However, sharing a tent with a smoke show like Jungkook is bound to lead to some complications.

Warnings: Language, lap dance, streaking, alcohol use, dom!Jk, sub!yn, fingering.

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When you wake up the next morning, Jungkook is already gone. You quickly start to brush your hair and make yourself look somewhat presentable before anyone has the chance to see you. You brush your hair, putting it in a simple braid to the side. You shuffle though your bag of clothes pulling out a baggy t-shirt and another pair of jean shorts. You jump when you hear the zip of the tent as you’re pulling the shorts over your hips.

“Sup Sexy lady.” Abby sings as she barges inside, plopping down on the air mattress.

“Fuck, you scared me. I thought you were Jungkook,” You scold as you pull the shirt over your bralette.

“Wait,” she sits up and looks around with a disgusted look on her face, “Should I be on this mattress?”

“Oh my god. We definitely didn’t sleep together if that’s what you’re implying.” You roll your eyes as you fold Jungkook’s blanket.

Abby’s lower lip jets out, “But why not.” She pretends to wipe a tear away.

“Uhm, idk maybe because I haven’t even talked to the dude.”

“Well… Kook, Tae, Jimin and Yoongi all want to go Horseback riding if you,” She wiggles her eyebrows, “would like to talk to ‘the dude’,” She rolls her eyes as she quotes me.

“And you’re ex is doing something with his group of douches.”

“Okay, that sounds fun.”

You both left the tent and met up with the boys who were waiting patiently for you by the SUV. When you got there you instantly noticed the way Jungkook’s eyes made their way up your body. When his eyes meet yours you quickly look away. Tae holds the door open for you as you approach, you slide in and he slides in after you.

“I almost punched your ex in the mouth last night.” Tae blurts out unexpectantly.

“What the fuck!” You gasp but you can’t help but laugh at the image of that. It’s definitely something you wouldn’t mind seeing. Tae starts to explain that after you had fallen asleep he came over to their beer pong game, and started to trash talk you.

“Kept saying that ‘it’s pathetic that she came to babysit me’ and shit like that. Like he deadass believes you’re here to win him back.” Tae’s eyes roll into the back of his head.

You take a deep breath, unsure of how to process the new information. If you were being honest, you didn’t think he thought about you at all. So for him to bring you up in conversation was a bit unexpected, and out of character. However, him claiming that you were there to ‘babysit him’ was something you could definitely hear him saying.

“You aren’t here to get him back are you?” Tae’s eyes widen as he looks over at you, “Because I definitely did not say nice things to him.” His presses his lips together thinking he might have fucked up.

“Are you kidding? No. Not a chance in hell.” You scoff.

“Good. You deserve better than that asshole, I can’t believe how close we used to be. Fuck… Jungkook was best friends with him when they were kids.” Jimin blurts out.

You slowly turn around to make eye contact with Jungkook. How did you not know this information. After being with Ben for nearly a year, you had no clue. Jungkook looks up at you raising his eyebrows and nodding as if to tell you that it was true, and definitely not something he liked to talk about.

“So, if you don’t like him, why do you guys hang out?” you ask the obvious question, hoping for a simply explanation.

“I mean, we’re still friends with people in his group of friends. So when we have big events, he’s always there,” Jimin explains he shrugs, “I guess we haven’t really thought about it much until now.”

You nod, looking out the window. You think about it and it makes sense. Anytime you went to a gathering, things were always awkward between Ben and the boys. Most of Ben’s friends would talk to them casually, and it was never awkward or uncomfortable. You remember Abby warning you before you were brainwashed into giving him a chance. She couldn’t give a reason to say no to him, you assumed because she didn’t know him well enough. Eventually she reasoned and backed off, telling you that she would support whatever decision you made.

After a short ride you finally arrive to the stables. You go inside and pay, then the instructors designate a horse for each person. The instructor brings over a beautiful grey horse, named Eve. You lightly pat her before your instructor helps you over. After everyone has mounted  their horse, you start on the trail. Side by side, Yoongi was next to Abby, Tae next to Jimin, then Jungkook was next to you. The instructors were ahead and behind the group to make sure the horses were behaving properly.

The trail you chose was supposed to take you to the top of the mountain to a lookout. You definitely didn’t anticipate the rocky terrain, or the feeling that you would fall off the horse. After a few minutes you peak over when you hear a quiet laugh coming from Jungkook.

“What’s so funny?” you blurt out, still maintaining your stiff posture.

“Are you scared?” He looks over at you with a smirk plastered across his face.

“No,” You attempt to loosen your grip, instantly regretting the decision to do so, “and if I was, should you really be laughing at me?” You mumble breathlessly.

He giggles, “No. Probably not,” You watch him as he pushes his lips out in attempt to hide the apparent humor in his features, “Look, just relax. You’re not going to fall off.” He lets go of the harness and leans back. He wiggles his body to show you that it’s okay to move.

“Eve, you’re not gonna let y/n fall are you,” He leans forward asking your horse with a voice sweeter than honey, “Yeah, see… she said no. So just relax, babe.” He says calmly.

You giggle as he attempts to distract you, you don’t miss the way the nickname makes your body heat up, “Okay, okay,” you sit up and roll your neck, loosening your body one limb at a time, “this better? Do I look like a pro?” You giggle, you’re knuckles still white from your tight grip on harness.

He laughs hard this time, “Mhm, definitely a Pro. The cutest Horseback rider I’ve ever seen, that’s for sure.”

Your cheeks turn a deep shade of red and you try your hardest to maintain your composure.

“So you used to be best friends with Ben?” You ask quietly hopefully changing the subject.

He sighs loudly, looking off in the distance, “Unfortunately.” He responds quietly.

You nod, clearly not wanted to press on if he was uncomfortable. He clears his throat,

“Our parents were good friends. We stayed friends through school, until he slept with not 1, not 2, but 3 of my girlfriends.” He laughed to himself, shaking his head in disapproval, “And he would tell me, it wasn’t his fault my girls were such whores.” He mumbles.

You bite your lip, closing your eyes for just a moment. You couldn’t believe you wasted an entire year with someone as disgusting as him. You wondered if he cheated on you while you were with him. More than anything you were pissed that someone would do that to their so called friend. You couldn’t imagine the pain that must’ve cause Jungkook.

“That’s fucking awful, I’m sorry he did that.” You apologize even though you know it won’t mean anything.

“No its fine, just made me realize what a piece of shit he is. Just sucks we still have the same friend groups.”

“He is most definitely a piece of shit,” You chuckle, at least you can agree with that.

“Yeah I don’t know why someone like you even entertained someone like him for that long.”

All you hear him say is ‘someone like you’ and you need to know what that means. You pause before asking because you’re not sure you’re even ready to hear his answer.

“Someone like me?”

He smiles, “Yeah, you know. Someone smart, caring, down to earth, beautiful,” He pauses to look over at you, “the whole package, some might say.”

You look over at him in complete shock, you nod your head slowly looking for the words to follow up, but you can’t find them.

“Some might say?” You hear Tae laugh from the horse in front of you, “Bro, you’re the one that says that.”

Jungkook eyes him down and Tae knows that once they’re off of these horses his ass his grass.

You cant help but to laugh at the two boys, “I’m mean, I’m not sure I agree with that but… I can agree with the fact that we were definitely not a great match.”

Jungkook nods, his cheeks are rosy and you smile to yourself as you think about him getting embarrassed over Tae calling him out.

“Thanks for covering me up last night,” you whisper loud enough for Jungkook to hear. Not wanting to involve Tae and Jimin in our conversation they were clearly eves dropping on.

His cheeks turn impossibly rosier, “No problem, you looked cold.”

“I was,” you smile and he smiles back, “I should have taken you up on your offer to sleep on the air mattress with you, my back was fucked this morning.” You giggle

“So does that mean you’re going to let me cuddle with you tonight?” He asks without a beat.

The rosiness on his cheeks is gone, and dominant Jungkook is back and sending shock waves through your body once again.

“I guess it does.” You agree. You’d be crazy to say no to him. The fact that all you could think about as you slept was cuddling with him didn’t help either.

You finally get to the top of the mountain, and you watch everyone dismount their horses with ease. Jungkook get off and brushes his hair out of his eyes as he walks over to you. He holds his hand out for you to take. When you swing your leg over, he takes you in his arms and set you on the ground. His face a few inches from yours you wonder what would happen if you just closed the gap and let your lips touch. His eyes look from yours down to your lips as if he’s considering the same thing. He brings his hand up to your cheek, cupping it for a moment before he brushes something away along your cheek bone.

“You had some dirt.” He smirks, yet his hand doesn’t leave your face.

“Could you two keep it in your pants for a few more hours?” you hear Jimin whining from the lookout. You both pull away and laugh as you start walking towards the group. Abby pulls beers out of her backpack passing them out to everyone. You know you probably shouldn’t considering you haven’t eaten but you know she’ll call you out if you don’t. Every part of your body wants to look at Jungkook, wants to know if he’s looking at you.

After the instructors take a group picture of you all at the lookout, you get back on your horses and head back to the stables. Tae and Jimin decided to lead a sing-along on the way back, which you were thankful for. You needed time to process all the flirting between you and Jungkook. You clearly didn’t mind it but, part of your brain was screaming to slow down. Jungkook seemed like someone you could actually fall in love with and that scared the fuck out of you. You didn’t even feel that way the entire time you were with Ben, which was even scarier. The thought of you and Jungkook cuddling tonight makes you feel things you haven’t felt in a long time. A mixture of nerves and excitement confusing your brain. Hopefully, the rest of the day would ease your mind about the decision you already made.

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 A few hours later you’re all sitting around the campfire. Ben and his group of friends return from their activities and you instantly begin drinking more than you should. Each drop of tequila making your brain a little fuzzier. Jungkook walks over to you, with a shot of tequila and a hot dog.

You’re eyes widen as notice the shot, “For me!?” you squeal reaching out for the shot of tequila, only to be smacked on the hand.

“No, you need to eat before you have more Tequila,” he chuckles as he hands you the hotdog. You roll your eyes dramatically.

“You’re no fun, Kookie,” You pout and you take note of the way the nickname makes him blush. You want to make him blush like that a million times more. You wonder what other nicknames make him blush.

“Awe princess, I can be fun. I promise.” He reassured you, licking his lips as he puts the shot of Tequila to his lips and tilts his head back. You know you’re staring but you can’t help it. Everything about him was pulling you in. You turn away and you eat the hotdog because he was right. You choose to ignore the fact that he paid enough attention to know that you needed to eat something. The fact that he paid that much attention at all was mind blowing to you.

As you finish eating, one of the girls that’s in Ben’s group of friends starts a game of truth or dare. She demands that everyone has to play, instantly making your roll your eyes. Abby pulls her chair up next to yours, Yoongi, Tae, and Jimin follow her lead. Jungkook decides to sit on your left. The girl who starts the game, decides she’ll go first and she picks Lucas, daring him to kiss another one of the girls in the group. You groan knowing exactly where this was heading. Tae gets picked and chooses dare, they dare him run into the river naked. You gasp when he instantly rips his shorts and shirt off and runs towards the river. Jimin, Jungkook, and Yoongi laugh so hard they can’t breath. You and Abby look at each other wide eyed when you realize why Tae wasn’t nervous about being naked. He returns from the dare, everyone gives him a  round a applause and he bows after he slides his shorts back on. He looks around the campfire and it takes you off guard when you hear your name roll off of his tongue.

You almost forget you’re playing a game, you nervously look around to see Ben clearly talking about you to one of his friends. Which only pisses you off, “Dare.” You decide confidently.

Devilish doesn’t even begin to describe the mischievous look that paints Tae’s face.

“I dare you…” His eyes flick over to Jungkook, “give Jungkook a lap dance.”

All you hear are gasps and laughter from the people you barely know. You’re heart starts to pound, but the Tequila coursing through your veins is forcing you out of your seat. Tae pulls out his phone and plays F&MU by Kehlani without being asked, almost as if he’s had this planned all along. You take a deep breath and you position yourself in front of Jungkook. He smirks lifting one brow, almost as if challenging you.

You place one leg on either side of his lap, you lean back rolling your hips forwards. He licks his lips looking down at you. The people around you start to cheer you on, hoping to get more from you. You lean forward still grinding into him, kissing his neck and making your way up to the spot just below his ear. You stand up as the chorus starts and you turn around, sitting back down on his lap. You lean back into him as you take his hands, sliding them down your body. You slowly grind to the beat of the song. You giggle as you hear multiple people yell ‘get a room’ jokingly. Jungkook, pulls you into him close placing a kiss to your neck before helping you get off of him and back to your seat. You compose yourself enough to ask Jimin truth or dare, he picks truth, and you bite at your lip as you decide what to ask him.

“Who is the sexiest person here?” You smirk already anticipating his answer.

He bites his lip as he thinks on his answer, laughing to himself when he decides, “After watching you give that lap dance and Tae skinny dip, I think it’s a tie.” He admits with laughter.

Everyone starts to laugh and agree, which instantly made you shy. The game was fun and you’re glad you played. Until one of the girls picks Ben, who of course picks dare. You take a deep breath, and Jungkook’s hand brushes yours. You don’t need to look at him to know that this was his way of comforting you.

She dares Ben to take a body shot off of her. You watch in disgust as he licks up her body in    familiar way, and makes out with her longer than necessary. You want to feel unphased by it.  You wished you didn’t feel anything at all. You’re heart starts to ache as you watch him pull her into his lap when he’s finished. You breathe easy thinking the worst was over, until he chooses another girl to give him a lap dance as a dare.

You instantly turn away watching the girl awkwardly squirm on top of your ex. Suddenly you feel yourself being yanked out of your seat. A large tattooed hand pulling your towards the table of drinks.

“I think you earned that shot.” Jungkook smirks at you as he pours two shots, handing you one and taking one for himself. He taps his shot to yours and you both shoot it back. The game starts to die off and everyone starts to split up into their groups. Some people head to their tents to take care of the built-up sexual tension the game caused. You stay up for about another hour drinking with Tae, Jimin, and Jungkook. Jimin being a drunk and giggly mess, and Tae being way too loud for how late it was.

“Okay boys, I really need to sleep,” you stand up and Tae tries pulling you back down to him, you giggle as you shake him off, “you should go to sleep too!” You yell as you walk towards the tent. You unzip the tent and bed over to slide inside. You sit on Jungkook’s blow up mattress as you slide your shirt over your head, and your pants off your legs. You reach for the shirt on top of your backpack, knowing that it was Jungkooks. You smirk to yourself as you put it on. Maybe you were poking the bear but really you just hated to wear pants when you slept and his shirt was long enough to be a dress. You pull your pillow and your sleeping bag to the mattress as you lay down. Maybe 15 minutes later Jungkook is unzipping the tent to join you. You see that he has two bottles of water and Aspirin. You’re stomach gets that familiar feeling again, realizing that for the second time today, he’s thinking about your needs.

“Sit up.” He demands and you listen, “So obedient.” He rasps, instantly making you press your legs together. You roll your eyes as he hands you two pills and a bottle of water.

“Drink a lot of that, okay?” He points in your direction; you start to chug it giving him a thumbs up. He tilts his head to the side giggling quietly. He crawls to the place beside you on the air mattress. Laying on his side, his arm propping him up with his head resting his hand.

You finish most of the water, and you set it to the side of the mattress knowing you would wake up with a dry mouth. Jungkook watches as you unzip the sleeping bag to make it big enough to cover the both of you. He smiles when he realizes what you’re doing. You lay down on your back, trying not the think about what might happen in the next few minutes. The air mattress bounces lightly as he closes the small gap between you and him. His fingers tug at the hem of his shirt on your body.

“Comfy?” He raises his eyebrows and you instantly blush. You nod your head so delicately, almost begging him not to be mad at you.

“I’m glad, I could definitely get used to seeing you in my clothes.” His voice is quiet and soft and it melts you like butter. His fingers slide up to your jaw and he gently tugs your face so that you’re looking at him. You swallow hard when your eyes meet his lust filled ones. Without even thinking you’re lifting your lips to his. His hand wraps behind your head lacing into your hair as his lips meet yours. The kiss is slow and you can tell he’s teasing you. You bring his bottom lip between your teeth, earning a low growl from him.

He pulls back and he starts to suck and kiss his way down your neck. You can’t help the moans that leave your lips. Each kiss he left felt like a tiny jolt of electricity. His fingers brush the spot on your thigh just below your (his) t-shirt. He slides the t-shirt up until he can see the top of your panties. His tongue runs along his lower lip and his eyes get heavy. You buck your hips up against his hand, you need him to touch you. You feel his chest as he laughs at your impatience.

“So needy,” He looks back at you, with a smirk playing on his lip, “What do you want, baby? Use your words.” He encouraged before kissing your lips softly.

“Please touch me.” He smiles as his hand ducks under the hem of your panties.

His middle finger presses against your clit with a feather light touch, making you want to scream already. He nudges your head with his nose so he can have full access to your neck. His fingers starts to circle softly around your clit before slowly running through your wetness. You know you’re wet, honestly you don’t think you’ve ever been this wet in your life. Jungkook groans as one of his fingers slides inside you.

“So fucking wet for me princess.”

You have to cover your mouth when he switches from one finger to two. His thumb dancing on your clit as he slides in and out of you. You sit up on your elbows watching him, turning every few seconds to bite at his jaw bone.

“Feels so good,” You moan into ear, he adds another finger.

You throw your head back, your back arching off of the mattress as he hits all the right spots. You’re body is hot and it feels like a coil inside of you is about to snap, you don’t stop the moan that falls from your lips.

“Come on pretty girl, cum for me.” He begs and you do, you nearly scream as you come apart on his fingers. He slows down and lets you ride out your high. He brings his fingers to his mouth to clean them, and the sight alone makes you wet all over again. You bite your lip when you realize he’s rock hard beneath his lose basketball shorts. You start to reach out for it but he laces his fingers with yours instead. You look up at him with the saddest face, full pout and scrunched up eyebrows, like someone just told you your dog died. He tries not to but he has to chuckle.

“I want you in my mouth.” You whine.

He laughs as he lays on his back, pulling you to his chest to cuddle. You look up at him with wide eyes.

“Why won’t you let me? You don’t want me to?”

His eyes get big and he takes your cheeks in between his hands, “Of course I want those pretty lips wrapped around my cock,” he coos with a kiss to your nose, “but I want you to be sober before we do anything else.”

You know that you’re not nearly as drunk as he thinks you are, but still it’s refreshing to have a man consider your mental space before his own sexual needs. Again, something you had never experienced.

You lay your head down on his chest, and his fingers work their way through your hair. Gently massaging your scalp. You couldn’t understand why everything he did made your body react in a way that was unknown. Maybe because you had never been with someone where there was actually chemistry. You feel his finger under your chin, as your head is pulled up to look at him. He cups your cheek, lightly brushing your cheekbone with his thumb. If you didn’t know any better, you would think that he loved you. That’s how he looked at you. Maybe it was the alcohol, maybe it was the post orgasmic bliss, but that’s what you felt. You swear he feels it too.

He swallows hard before pressing a soft kiss to your lips, “You’re the most beautiful thing, I’ve ever seen in my life.” He whispers with adoring eyes. You instantly look away, feeling the tears starting to form in your eyes. He wipes one away as it falls down your cheek.

“What’s wrong? I shouldn’t have said that?” He questions himself and you shake your head quickly. He was wrong, so wrong.

“No, I just…” you inhale trying to decide how to word what you were feeling, “I don’t think anyone’s ever talked to me like that.”

He nods, and you see anger cross his features for a moment and then leans back, his hand running up and down your spine. You lay your head back on his chest, letting the sound of his heartbeat lure you into a deep sleep. “He’s a piece of shit for not realizing how incredible you are, I hope you know that.” He whispers.

You let out a quiet sigh in agreement, falling asleep a few moments later.

A/n: Please dont forget to let me know your thoughts!! Also let me know if you want to be on the taglist! <3

[ghouls-dream]

Sinners, I went feral once again.

No one asked about it, but you all deserve it. :”)  Dewdrop x Reader one-shot  (WARNING!!! SMUT, 18+, NSFW)  ‘Burning touch - finger tips hot as flames, leaving traces down your body so gently, yet harshly the pain turns into pleasure… Wicked enough, but the objective truth everyone is so afraid of speaking. Breathe so hot it makes you shiver like you’ve been out in the cold, naked and alone. Your skin covers in goosebumps each time he lets out a moan of pleasure or a grunt. Imagine yourself begging for him to be rough, to be merciless with your fragile body, even tho you know you’ll regret that decision later - pain won’t spare you, nor will the scars he’ll leave… But you’ll enjoy every single one of them. You’ll look at yourself in the mirror (or not, depending on the place) and see the “loving injuries”. You’ve been marked as his. Scratches, bites even small blue spots that were once red, turning purple. You’re not a masochist. Or maybe you are? But it’s because he demands it… You start to question your rationality. 'Is it worth it? Is that what I imagined? Is that what I’ve always wanted?' 

No. It’s what you’ve needed. And he provided you with it. He provided you with the sickest of all pleasures your mortal, physical body had ever experienced. And you were forever thankful for that…’ My inner monologue was probably going to continue if my thoughts weren’t interrupted by the door. It opened slowly, it let out a terribly loud “cracking sound”. I hated it… “Did I ever say come in?” I scoffed, rolling my eyes, just to see the old woman’s demanding, “fed up with everyone” look on her face. My heart dropped the moment I saw that grimace. There were two options - I was done, or… I was done in not such a brutal way as the first thought I had. “Imperator” I mumbled, immediately getting up from my seat and bowing my head. My gaze hit the stone floor, while my hands grabbed each other in front of my black long skirt. Needless to say how fast my heart was pounding. The amount of respect and fear I felt for that woman was out of charts. I’ve personaly seen (and experienced once, fortunately enough)her  in her “worst of days” and  honestly - i don’t want to revive that awful memory. Being submissive to her wasn’t so bad, after all… “I’ll let that slip, Y/N. Who else can come in without knocking?! Have you lost your mind!?” Sister’s voice filled the room. 'Oh, that old, stinking bag!’ I thought to myself 'Just because your sex life is deader than death, doesn’t mean ours’ should be as well!’ “I apologize, Imperator.” I bit my tongue before speaking those words because I knew - the moment I let my mouth run free was the last time I see light. “Apology accepted. Now, look at me and cut the fake courtesy! Someone made a mess in my office the other night - half of my library is burned! Not to mention that Cardinal’s music sheets were also nearly destroyed! Do you, maybe have the slightest idea who might have been?! Or more like… Tend to explain, young miss?!” 'Uh oh’ I thought to myself once again, before my eyes met her reproacheful gaze. Holy shit, that look could kill and I must have been long dead by now, since it wasn’t the first time I meet it… I was more than shocked to find out this woman had such an asute character. Damn right, I was a part of the mess made in her office, but… So was he! And if I was pushed down, I’d drag the fucker with me! I swallowed hardly, trying to escape her piercing gaze and crossed arms in front of my door. All I could do was shake my head in denial. “Well it must have been someone and since you’re the problematic one in the class, I decided to come here firstly. Y/N, If I find out you have something to do with that… I’ll have you…” her voice spoke once again, before being interrupted by a lower one. A male one. A very familiar male one. My eyes grew bigger as I felt his tember tickling my ears… Even the sound of his goddamn voice was able to send shivers down my spine! “Is there a problem, Imperator? Anyhow I can help?” he spoke so innocently, so fakely concerned, while I was mentally burning on a stake, it was driving me insane! My eyes met his icy blue ones that were now in a dark blue shade… Unforgettable gaze he had… “Ah, Dewdrop! Well I guess you can. Do you have any idea who could have done the mess in my office yesterday? I suppose it happened at night since I was all day in!” Imperator asked, her eyes still locked into mine. I bit my lips. 'Please, keep your mouth shut. Please keep your mouth shut, please!’ was all I could hear inside my head, while waiting for “his sentence”. I felt my nails digging deeper into my skin as I held my hands together… Panic was overtaking every cell in my body, even my pulse could have been compared to a trigger, getting ready to shoot (lol i took that from a song)… While the firey motherfucker was just looking at me, smirking at my anticipation. He loved seeing me helpless, completely left out on his “so called mercy”. In any way you could think of… “No, but Y/N might know. Have you questioned her?” the ghoul asked Imperator. “I was about to do it before you interrupted us. I have other witches to go through anyway, so If you’re here just to make my job harder, I suggest you…” “Not at all, Sister. In fact - I can finish what you’ve started with her, while you question the other girls. When I’m done here, I’ll catch up on you. After all, what happened to your office concerns us as well… Not just the Clegry. It’s our responsibilty as your servants to keep…” Dewdrop started speaking, before the old woman rolled her eyes and scoffed “Alright, fine! Just shut up and be quick! You’ve got luck I know your parents, Y/N… Either way you’d have been banished long time ago!” And with those words the woman shut the door behind her, leaving me with the cocky dipshit. His deep, mocking chuckle filled the room as I felt my body temperature getting higher. I was slightly ashamed for what I’ve done with him the other night, then slightly angry for how he behaved, then slightly aroused from his intimidating persona… A wave of unease went through my body the second his hand went behind his head, just so he could untie the thin strings of his mask, causing it to fall on the ground. The heavy silver clacked over the stone floor, making me jump slightly. “If I fall, I’m dragging you down with me. I’m tired of getting in trouble just because you cant keep your pants up!” I found the courage inside me to hiss at him. The ghoul raised an eyebrow, before walking towards me with his hands crossed in front of his chest and spoke “Look how fierce you are now… Where was that confidence few moments ago? Also, last time I checked you were the one pulling my pants down so you could get your little mouth wrapped arou..” “Fuck off, Dew, I’m serious!” I interrupted him immidately, feeling how my cheeks were slowly starting to turn crimson. I pushed him slightly away from me. I couldn’t let myself go this time… He was used to get everything done his way, each time he wanted… Not today! “Putting a fight will only make me want to destroy you in more ways!” the ghoul whispered against me, before feeling his hand gripping my upper arm harshly. I yelped slightly. He chuckled. But of course he would! An asshole of his league wouldn’t react any different to other person’s vulnarability and humiliation… “You little, naive slut…” his words were piercing my mind like an arrow. I could finally feel that hot breathe on my neck once again. The same one that was making my knees feel weak, my heart pound with abnormal speed and my lady parts drip. “You really thought I’d let you talk to me like that? If I open my mouth and tell Imperator what really happened there, no one can save you… Not even the little relation you have to her. Besides - imagine the horror on your parents’ faces the moment they find out their only, sweet girl was willingly spreading her legs to a half-demon, being absolutely submissive to him….” Dewdrop’s voice spoke against my skin. I could feel his mouth coming in contact with my collabones. And soon after his teeth were already abusing my sensitive skin. I let out a loud gasp… I thought I was used to him inflicting his sweet “pain” by now, but I guess I was wrong… Very wrong. And very stupid. The moment that gasp left my mouth, I felt his other hot palm covering my lips. God his skin smelled of amber… I don’t know if that was just his natural odor, since each ghoul had one, or it was his perfumer, but the scent was… Simply remarkable. My hands tried to fight him instinctivly, but instead Dewdrop made a swift move, turning me towards my mirror. The reflection of me, in his hands, completely trapped by his body which was standing behind me, was… Wicked. Arousing. Insanely hot. Or at least some part of my mind was thinking it. “I’m guessing you’re ready to do a lot just so my mouth stays sealed, right doll?” he whispered. I nodded. Since that was the only way possible of comunication between us… “Good. Give me your right hand” his voice was like milk and honey to my aroused mind… I was melting. The only thing holding me stable on the ground was his leg, placed between both of mine. I did what I was told. Dewdrop caught my palm with his hand gently… The heat resonating from his skin was enough to make me sweat… And drip. Down there… Where he was taking both of our hands! And all I could do was pant, watch and stay as quiet as possible… He began talking into my ear as I felt his hand guiding mine, down my body - from my neck, to my breasts, paying special attention to my nipples… Abusing them, squeezing them and fonding them so gently it almost hurt more than the actual “sensual torture”. I closed my eyes shut - a shot of pain went through my body, before I could feel our hands moving slowly down to my throbbing wet core.. “Open your eyes, Y/N! I want you to watch carefully how it’s done. Not that you can’t do it yourself, but…” Dewdrop’s raspy voice spoke into my ear, before bitting the earlobe. I did what I was told - once again. Our hands made their way beneath the black fabric of my long skirt, then quickly went under my panties… I tried to moan the moment my own fingers met the most sensitive part of me, but the ghoul’s palm over my mouth stopped any sounds produced. I arched my back, feeling how his fingers were guiding mine in circular motions, putting slight pressure on my clit. Another pathetic attempt to moan was spoiled… Dewdrop let out a chuckle “You’re so wet… It’s almost humiliating. Virgins get wet harder than you, Y/N” As he spoke those words, I felt my middle and ring finger making their way inside my wet folds, along with his own ones. Dewdrop knew exactly what was he doing. This was his game of manipulation where the winner was foretold in the very beginning… I squeezed my eyes and threw my head back on his shoulder, the moment I felt his slim fingers curl up, making mine do the exact same thing. They hit that spot in me that was able to drive me over the edge and honestly - I was close. Pathetically close. “Don’t you dare to come now or I’ll make sure you won’t be able to say your name for days!” he hissed inside my ear as I felt his fingers starting to pump in and out faster. “And for the last time… Open your goddamn eyes!” Dewdrop ordered, before moving his palm from my mouth to my throat. In that moment I let out a loud moan, feeling how my knees were getting weaker, my whole body felt in trance. But I still managed to open my eyes and lock my gaze with his in the reflection. “Y/N look at yourself… You can’t even get off properly without my help, what’s left to get out of trouble… Now taste yourself” Dewdrop whispered, not breaking contact with my eyes. I let out a small gasp as I felt our fingers slipping out… I opened my mouth on command as he put my wet fingers inside. “Suck” the ghoul whispered as I felt the salty taste of myself in between my lips. His deep-shaded blue eyes were following that exact movement strictly. My heart was pouding like crazy… Not to mention the throbbing “pain” in my core - I was so close yet so far from what I needed the most! And while I was sunk in my thoughts, I heard his zipper go down quickly. The hand that was guding mine was now frantically moving behind me… I knew what he was doing. And I couldn’t wait to have him inside! Dewdrop quickly bent me over as his hand gripped my hair, before I felt the sudden pentrating of his hard manhood. I moaned loudly, putting my palms on the big mirror in front of me for balance as he pounded harshy and mercilessly inside me.. “Look at yourself! You little, needy brat!” Dewdrop hissed as his hand gripped my hair, making me look up in our reflection… The view was more than hot. I doubt my mind was capable of finding a word at that moment that was suitable for the occasion. Just seeing his clenched jaw, his eyes pentrating mine as he was thrusting himself inside me, stretching me so good was enough to shoot me over the edge.. “Dew.. Please! I need.. I n-need to come!” I tried to whisper but it sounded more like a desperate moan. The ghoul smirked cockily, before letting out a devilish chuckle and commanded “Then fucking do it, slut!” And that was all I needed to hear… The tension in my stomach grew so big it had no other option than just… Releasing itself. I moaned loudly, arching my back as much I could and felt Dewdrop’s last pounds inside me, leaving me absolutely unable to stand on my feet. Literally. My legs became so weak that I fell on the ground, my knees hitting the stone cold floor… Needless to say my heart was pouding like crazy inside my chest, ready to rip it off.. I was coming from a very high place… “Next time…” Dewdrop panted as he started to put his pants back up “Next time… Watch your mouth more. It won’t be so pleasurable I promise you…” I looked up to his sinful smirk, just to see him picking up his mask from the ground and whispering in my ear before, leaving me alone in my room - sweating, roughly fucked and full of serotonin “And don’t worry. Nothing will come out my mouth about our little game yesterday… Or the ones before yesterday… Or the one today.”

[ladyboltontoyou]

Arthur Morgan x Reader: Farmer’s Daughter. 3

Ask: OH MY GOD IMAGINE THE READER IS A GIRL FROM A GOOD FAMILY, SHES WITH ARTHUR FOR A WHILE NOW, THE PARENTS WANT TO MEET HIM. THEY’RE HAVING FAMILY DINNER AND THE COWBOY MAN JUST CANT KEEP HIS HANDS TO HIMSELF UNDER THE TABLE oh my god if your request are open and you would write that i would probably, most likely die...oh btw i love the “farmer’s daughter” story OH MY GOD MAYBE THIS COULD BE THE NEXT PART AAAAAAAAH SHIT! okay okay i’m sorry i just got excited! love your writing, have a great day!

Warnings: Cursing, probably. Slightly public sex, ya get fingered at dinner ok? 

Pairing: Arthur Morgan x Reader

A/N: YEEHAW MY FELLOW SLUTS! ENJOY! Also, idk what they called panties back then so I just went with panties, ok? 

Two months later and you had fallen completely in love with the man. You both had told yourselves you wouldn’t let it get that far but it was nearly impossible. Every time you would see each other he had something to give you, be it a new drawing of yourself, wildflowers he had found out in the woods, or some suspiciously expensive jewelry that he wouldn’t talk about.

He hadn’t planned on any of it, really, but multiple times a day he would see something that reminded him of you and he just knew he had to take it. Even the jewelry he had stolen from the folks who were unlucky enough to start a fight with him.

After a while of successfully sneaking around the day came you’d both been expecting. Your father caught him. 

It wasn’t in the way you’d thought it would happen, thankfully. He didn’t walk in on the two of you or catch Arthur climbing up to your room or sneaking out of it. It was more subtle and less suspicious. The two of you, like the fools you were, were out in broad daylight at the stables on your property. You would go out there regularly to spend time with your horse so you knew your parents wouldn’t question you being down there. 

You should have known being that comfortable sneaking around was just asking to be caught. And sure enough, you were.

“(Y/N)? Who is this?”

You fucking twitched. When you turned around you saw your father standing behind you with a look of concern on his face and one of the stable boys watching the whole thing go down. You had given him some money earlier to keep his mouth shut and he sure was getting more than he asked for.

“Howdy mister!” Arthur waved and stepped past you. “Remember me? I stopped by here a while back to ask for some directions.”

Your father squinted and reluctantly shook his hand. Suddenly realization spread across his features as it all clicked. “Oh! Yes!” He laughed and clapped Arthur’s shoulder. “How have you been? Ever find your way?”

“Sure did, thanks to you. I was in town and was asking around, looking to buy some good horses, and a few folks told me you were the man to talk to.” You looked at Arthur with parted lips, in shock at how good of a liar he was. He turned a potential disaster into the most casual and normal interaction without the slightest effort. It was kind of scary.

Your father laughed and nodded, crossing his arms proudly. “You’ve come to the right place, follow me.” 

Arthur tossed you a wink and you had to smile then, dumbfounded by how smoothly the whole thing went.

***

After your father had whisked Arthur away to the expensive section of your stables you went back home. Your mother was preparing dinner along with one of the ranch hands, which surprised you. When you questioned why he was there she explained he was making his mother’s famous gumbo, your mother insisted upon it after she had sent some over to your family. 

When dinner rolled around your father made it back just in time, a surprise guest at his heels. 

“Jane, you remember this man, don’t you? He was the fellow on the white horse who asked for directions to-”

“Of course I do!” She wiped her hands with a kitchen rag, walking into the main room where the two men stood. 

You stood up from the kitchen table to watch the whole thing play out, locking eyes with Arthur who just shrugged.

“He came down today to buy a horse from us!” Your father said as he closed the front door behind them. “And to congratulate him on his purchase I’ve invited him to stay for dinner.”

Your mother smiled happily, it wasn’t often you had visitors that weren’t your families prude friends or relatives. “Good! We’re having gumbo tonight, Thomas is cooking his mother’s very own recipe.”

“Oh!” Your father raised his brows. “The one she sent over yesterday?”

“That’s the one.” 

“Brilliant! I loved that.” 

The two of them talked for a while before Thomas announced the soup was done and your mother went back into the kitchen to help him serve. Your father excused himself to wash up, telling you and his guest to have a seat in the dining room.

You sat down next to Arthur and gave him a look. 

“What?” When he finally noticed you looking at him he furrowed his brows.

“How did you manage that?”

“Manage what?”

You snorted, rolling your eyes. “Come on. You’re the best liar I’ve ever met.”

Arthur shrugged, taking the glass of water that Thomas set down in front of him.

 “You must not of met a lot of people then.”

“All right, then. Keep your secrets.” 

He chuckled and set the glass back down on the table after taking a few generous sips. “Before we almost got ourselves killed, I was going to give you somethin’.” Another gift? He reached in his pocket and pulled out a small folded piece of paper. “Don’t let anyone see that.” He added with a whisper since Thomas had walked in with the rest of the drinks. 

You smiled at him and slowly unfolded the paper in your lap under the table. Once you had it done you squinted before realizing it was upside down. You flipped it the right way and your face was suddenly burning. Your breath caught in your throat as you took it all in, quickly folding it back up when your mother walked into the room carrying the giant pot of soup. 

The urge to punch him was strong. Why did he have to give that to you then? Why couldn’t he wait? You slipped the paper in the front pocket of your dress and cleared your throat. 

Arthur chuckled and took another sip of water, smiling sweetly at your mother as she started filling everyone's bowls. “Thank you, ma’am.” 

It was impossible to get the image out of your head. It was a drawing of you, completely naked, lying on your stomach with your head resting on your folded arms, your legs kicked up and locked at the ankles. You were looking directly into the viewer’s eyes with a wicked smirk on your face, some of your hair in your face. Once again you looked utterly magnificent, your body drawn in a way that accentuated every part of you perfectly. If it wasn’t a drawing of you, you probably would have gotten off to it. You probably would anyway, knowing Arthur was the one who drew it.

“What horse did you end up buying, Mr…”

“Arthur. The young brown mustang, think your husband called him Taro.”

Your mother nodded and sat down at the opposite end of the table when she was finally done serving. You wished she would let you help with dinner but she was firm in her belief, not allowing you or your father to help her in the slightest.

It was another ten minutes before your father finally joined you, taking his seat beside his wife. “Please excuse me, got carried away with my hair again.” He laughed and eagerly started eating. Your mother shared a laugh with him, chiding him lightly about how vain he was.

Most of dinner was fine, you all talked about the usual dinner subjects such as work, the weather, and town gossip. You barely paid attention though, the image of you drawn naked was stuck in your mind, along with the idea of Arthur drawing it. You wondered if he had done it in the heat of a lust filled moment or if it was just something normal to him.

What finally snapped you out of your thoughts was the feeling of a hand on your knee. You brushed it off at first, it seemed innocent enough, he had done it plenty of times before when the two of you laid together. It wasn’t inherently sexual.

But then he moved his hand lower, brushing his fingers against the hem of your dress. You looked at him with a subtle glance but he refused to acknowledge you at all. 

Crossing your legs you tried to get him to stop but that didn’t deter the cowboy at all. He pulled your dress up just enough to slip his hand under the fabric, then let the hem fall back down over his arm. You wanted to curse him out but you held your tongue and tried to act as natural as possible, taking another spoonful of soup into your mouth. 

“So, Arthur, you never told us what you do for a living.” Your father said after sending one of the kitchen maids to bring out a bottle of wine.

His hand traveled up to your thighs, his fingers gently rubbing circles over your skin. “Oh, well, it’s nothin’ excitin’. I work for a man collecting debts from people. Good money.”

“Oh!” Your father acted impressed, shrugging and exchanging a look with your mother. 

“If that isn’t exciting, I wonder what is to you!” Your mother laughed and so did your father.

‘Maybe fingering your daughter five feet away from you.’ You thought as you shifted in your seat, thankful for how high the table was. If it was any lower surely they would see that the lower half of his arm was extended towards you.

Slowly, extremely slowly, his hand continued it’s journey upwards. You forced yourself to keep a straight face, even when you felt the tips of his fingers brush against your panties. ‘No problem,’ you told yourself, feeling him pull the fabric aside so he could touch you better. ‘No big deal.’

Arthur rubbed slow circles into your clit with a firm amount of pressure, but not quick or firm enough to get you anywhere fast. And he knew it, too. He ate his second bowl of soup just as normally as he did the first, showing no signs of the fact that his fingers were about to be stuffed inside of you. 

You liked to think you looked just as calm as he did. You had finished your soup and were waiting for everyone else to so your mother could bring out dessert, and then you could finally leave the table. If only Arthur would hurry up and finish his meal. 

The small talk carried on and left almost no silence which worked to your advantage. If they were quiet they probably would hear how fast your breathing had gotten, especially when Arthur pushed that first finger inside of you. You had to practically bite through your tongue to keep the moan silenced. 

“(Y/N), you’re quiet, for once. Are you sick?” Your father joked and everyone laughed, including Arthur. That bastard. 

“I’m fine, just like listening to you all talk.” You said quickly, surprised at how even and calm your voice sounded. Almost as if you weren’t being finger fucked. 

That seemed to satisfy them enough and they carried on with conversation.

Normally at dinner, you rarely drank any wine, since you were never able to just have one glass. It always led to two, or sometimes even three, and you would end up passed out on your bed hours before you usually would. But tonight you happily drank, finishing the second glass right as Arthur had two fingers curling inside of you. 

As hard as you tried not to let yourself orgasm you could feel it approaching rapidly. Arthur could too, noting how your chest rose and fell and how you were twitching around his fingers. He slowed down momentarily, allowing you to catch your breath, before he was right back at it, quicker than before. He had a hard-on of his own but with his belt and gun holster in the way, no one would have the slightest idea, even if they looked right at his crotch. Lucky him.

“Are we ready for dessert?” Your mother's voice scared you out of your wits and you jumped. 

“Yes!” You laughed to draw attention away from the fact that you almost spilled your wine. 

She left along with the kitchen maid, directing her to get together new sets of dishes. 

His fingers curled quicker as he sipped on his wine, keeping his eyes anywhere but your father or you. Your father kept up the small talk, allowing you to give yourself the time to focus on having a discreet and quiet orgasm. 

You slowed your breathing as you felt it coming, gripping Arthur’s arm under the table with your left hand as you curled your other hand into a fist around your dress. He looked down at you for a split second, savoring the sight of you as best as he could before he forced himself to look away as to not look suspicious. He gave you a few more deep pumps before you came. The heat and tingles exploded, rippling from your clit and inside your body to your entire form. You bit your lip and looked down, sinking your nails into the skin of his arm. The waves of pleasure that coursed through your body were enough to make anyone scream but you kept your mouth shut and posture still. 

When it finally finished you sat back in your seat, running a hand through your hair as you sighed, wiping the sweat off your forehead when your father wasn't looking. Arthur smirked at you and you threw him the angriest glare you could, but you couldn’t keep it for long. When he chuckled you broke out into a smile and you had to look away so you didn’t laugh.

“Here it is!” Your mother said proudly as she carried the pecan pie into the dining room. “Took me all day!” 

Arthur made a show of looking impressed and your father praised your mother's cooking to no end, telling her that she was the best cook in the whole west. She smiled proudly and served everyone's plates. Thank god you had already came and Arthur’s hand was back where it belonged.

“I’m going to make you regret that.” You whispered to Arthur as your mother talked about how hard it was to find enough pecans. 

“Lookin’ forward to it.”

[haikyuu-scenarios-drabbles]

anonymous asked:  How would you feel about an Avatar AU? I’d love to see what element, or if a character is a non-bender, you feel would match your favourite characters in HQ!

oh-HO. i am unsure if you know that Avatar is one of my all-time favorite shows so when i saw this ask i was pumped!!! without further ado: i finally had some inspiration. i took this a bit farther than just my fav characters (i did as many as i could think of) and although i say in my rules i don’t do hc’s i felt this ask was best answered in that format so i did my best! i hope you enjoy 😁 im nervous as hell about headcanons 😬 some i have reasons for (serious or funny) and others i just...have a feeling 

special shoutout to my discord fam that i love so dearly and especially to @animelake13 and @justoverseas for helping me out 💕💕

Karasuno:

Daichi:

Alright with those thighs and that dependability?? Earthbender through and through

He is a rock solid, all-around player that holds Karasuno all together

he is their BASE, stable as fuck

he didn’t get those thighs from nothing he got them kicking around some boulders

didnt get those arms from nothing either, punching rocks out of mountainsides

Suga:

Waterbender for sure

Hello? Mr. Refreshing

Very calm and level-headed, but like Katara: DO NOT. FUCK WITH HIM.

He’ll fuck you up

again like Katara, mom friend, supporting the whole team, caring a lot about them and getting ready to fight and ready to jump in and help at a moments notice

Asahi: (Thanks Louie!)

ok so this boy was hard to decide bc, he’s a nervous bean but also the motherfuckin ace so he ain’t playin around

so i decided on earthbender because, he’s a big boi; a powerful and all-around player that has the respect of his teammates

and although he’s nervous, so maybe he doesn’t use earthbending to the extent of other benders but when he needs to, he will

and when he does it has impact and he is a pretty strong earthbender to boot

he can move fucking mountains when he wants to

member of the white lotus bc he only uses his immense power when he absolutely has to

noya: “asahi!! show us your bending”

asahi: “oh im not much of a bender”

MOVES A CONTINENT

Noya:

While my first instinct was firebender

the more i thought about it the more airbender made sense

air is the element of freedom and Noya is the definition of wild and free

not only that but his position too! airbending is almost purely defensive

sounds like our guardian diety to me

also can u imagine

Noya and Hinata racing like maniacs on air scooters

Daichi throwing up barriers all over the place to stop them but they just nyoom around them like obstacles

airbending is all about circles too and roooooolllliiiinnnng (hehe) thunder!!!

Tanaka:

alrighty well here is Karasuno’s firebender

Firebending is known for its intense and aggressive attacking style and literally

Tanaka yells like a maniac anytime he goes in for a spike

and firebenders can be hotheaded (dont have to be, Iroh for example) BUT say anything about Kiyoko, Karasuno or really anything and he’s ready to throw down

it might be all talk but he still gets fucking triggered

he fires up two flames in his palms and makes that face “ehhh what did you say about our lovely Kiyoko-san?!?”

Enno:

airbender

he has such patience and probably mediates or something 

or else he’d go crazy from Tanaka and Noya doing stupid airbender/firebender shit and burning down the entire town 

deals it out when he needs to, sometimes blowing Tanaka and Noya to opposite sides of the room and pinning them there until they calm the fuck down

anytime Tanaka gets too heated, Enno just shows up and blows out his fire 

Hinata:

ok so i kinda spoiled earlier

but airbender

i know airbending is defensive and Hinata sucks at that aspect, but his personality man, airbender all the way

again imagine him and Noya zooming on air scooters around

they would be a MENANCE

but also in the same sense, airbending is all about finding a way around the “normal” way of fighting (they refuse to harm anything is what i mean)

Hinata had to find his own way of fighting in volleyball and yeah…airbender  

possibly bc he’s a bit of an airhead too  

Kageyama:

WATERBENDER BUT WITH BLOODBENDING BACKGROUND

ok hear me out

he used to want to control people and make them do what he wants, otherwise get rid of them bc they’re useless and who needs ‘em

but then he meets this stupid, bounce off the walls, airbender who he doesn’t need to control bc this kid already does what he couldnt find in anyone else

and he slowly learns to stop using bloodbending, sometimes slips and lapses, but for the most part has left that part of him behind

also water is the element of change and Kageyama certainly goes through a major change in character throughout Haikyuu

everytime Hina and him fight, they make a snowstorm that nobody can stop and it pisses Tsukki off bc he can’t do anything about it

Tsukki: (props to Lake for this one)

tsukki why are you an enigma

nonbender and is a sword master 

with his ability to analyze and control, he would heckin destroy 

sword fights are a lot about watching your opponent and being able to make a quick decision to block or counter attack 

he can definitely make decisions at the drop of a hat and his strategies work and work well 

Yamaguchi:

THIS BOY

IS A WATERBENDER BUT SPECIALIZES IN HEALING

when Karasuno needs him most!!! he’s there!! ready to help and get his team back on his feet, in this sense by healing them

and also like Suga, mirroring Katara, don’t fuck with him. especially when it comes to Tsukki

AGAIN like Katara/Suga, mom friend, there to support all the time and bust in and help when needed

More teams under the cut!

Aoba Johsai:

Oikawa:

so there’s a bit of a trend here i see

but Oikawa would also be a waterbender, i guess it’s a setter thing

water is the element of change and Oikawa adjusts his setting style and approach for each of his team members to bring out the best of them

waterbenders let their defense become their offense turning their opponents own forces against them which i think fits Oikawa to a T

can make ice spikes he can throw long distances with scary accurate precision

like, one can just zip past your ear, and you dont see him anywhere where tf is he?!

Iwaizumi: 

i couldn’t decide between firebender and earthbender

so i went with the lovely mix, lavabender 

just like Toph, Iwa shows his affection through some sort of violence, but thats just cause he cares a lot

oikawa has mastered the art of distinguishing flaming hunks of smoldering rock thrown at his face

also stubborn unmoving like a rock

and when he gets heated, he is fired up

and finally, arms. where did he get ‘em? throwing boulders around. 

Shiratorizawa:

Ushijima:

metalbender, bc he’s definitely an earth bender but there’s something special about him

he’s a little dense (ok maybe not a little)

Earthbenders are generally muscular, tough and direct AND HELLO. thats Ushijima in a nutshell 

Tendou:

our guess monster is definitely a non-bender

like ty lee specializes in chi-blocking 

he can disrupt someones chi pretty easily making them completely helpless 

sometimes he does it to be funny 

like make Ushi’s right arm useless for a day 

and Ushi is like “Tendou. I don’t use that arm anyways.” 

“i knoooooooow Wakatoshi thats the point!”

which for some reason Tendou thinks is hilarious cause now he really cant use it 

Semi:

firebender

mainly bc of his hotheaded and competitive behavior 

his desire to show his abilities in his words is “uncontainable” and that kind of made me think of Azula 

wants to show off and be the best 

Shirabu:

so although Shirabu is also extremely hot-headed, he hits me as a waterbender too 

maybe just because every single setter so far has been a waterbender but its just my gut feeling 🤷

Nekoma:

Kuroo:

firebender but can lightning bend

dont ask me why it just seems right

he has the concentration and flow it takes to lightning bend, i mean he has that whole speech he gives to his team before every game 

“We're like the blood in our veins. We must flow without stopping. Keep the oxygen moving and your mind working.” 

and while this may lead to possibly thinking he could be a waterbender, he uses his knack for fluid motion and deceptive strength for a different purpose

not only can he lightning bend, he can redirect lightning which takes an immense amount of skill and is drawn from waterbending techniques

maybe its also the hair cause it looks like he got hit by lightning

Kenma:

ill be honest, i dont think Kenma would be a bender

what he would be ilike is Sokka, super smart, the strategizer, the man with the plan

who people look to for the next step, the brain of the operation

and i dont think he’d necessarily have a speciality besides overwhelming ability to observe and make decisions

so basically…he’d be the same LOL

Yaku:

earthbender

being small (dont kick me Yaku) means nothing (uhh have you seen Toph?)

super dependable and not gunna take anyone’s shit

Yamamoto:

Tanaka’s counterpart

his homeboy

his fellow firebender

both ready to throwdown at a moments notice

Fukurodani: (wow i suck i dont know anyone well enough but these two)

Bokuto:

did someone say airbender??

i just keep imagining he was the one to teach Hinata the air scooter and they fuckin zoom around while Bokuto is hollering at the top of his lungs

his hair already looks winblown, like he just stepped off his glider and doesn’t bother to fix it

also im cackling bc airbenders prefer evasive manuevers and…i keep thinking about that time he ran away from a block and Akaashi called him out for it

Akaashi: (ily Lake for helping)

so apparently setters are waterbenders

bc this boy is definitely one

he has nice fingers (weird i know) but i can see him just making these beautiful hand motions to bend water and hnngg yes

ok but in a more real way, waterbenders have strong fluid motion and understand those around them, they believe in very strong connections between individuals 

so even when Bo is out of the game, Fukurodani doesn’t fall apart because they have strong connections and can survive without him 

[freebooter4ever]

my dad group texted my brother and i, highly unusual, and i think jordan was weirded out too cause his response was equally short and confused. on the list of things my little brother and i have never discussed, our dad’s relative interest or lack there of in our lives is pretty high. dad’s been messaging me since october, asking about stuff like where my next living plans are (which he has never done since i first moved out age eighteen), and i’ve only been vaguely responding to the point blank questions cause its just. so. weird. i think my grandpa’s death has shaken dad’s worldview a bit more than he’s been letting on.

he alienated my brother and i pretty much immediately after his secretive marriage to the bottle blonde rich bitch when i was 22. he kicked my brother out as soon as jordan turned 18, and when i discovered this by coming home one summer and seeing jordan wasnt in the house, i got so fucking mad that it was the first time i ever had a full out screaming match at my dad. and apparently this display of anger was when rich bitch decided she didn’t like me (probably valid, but also ironic because pretty much from birth it was known in my entire extended family that dad and i were almost identical personality wise, and both of us have tempers where we will not get mad at anything but frustration will build up and up until on the rare blue moon it boils over, and oh boy. watch out. those moments were the only times i was ever scared of my dad as a kid and i think it only happened twice in my entire life)(if she thinks im crazy when im angry, she should see my dad)

but i was crazy mad because while i was lucky enough to be put in therapy due to attempting to starve myself into non existence at age 13 (many many sessions of ‘family’ therapy with me in the center of a long couch silently trying to pretend i was invisible and my mom two feet away at one end and dad on the opposite end of the couch, and my mom doing all the talking, ranting and raving about how im starving myself to punish her. and then the therapist kicking both my parents out and trying to convince me to say a few words, and her finally getting me to realize that how my mom treated me was not normal and not something i needed to put up with if it made me sad and scared, and then the therapist realizing that i was still too sad and scared to confront it, and her and i coming up with a compromise where we would tell my mom that i was just ‘really attached’ to dad’s house and it wasnt that i was terrified of living with my mom or liked my dad better, it was that i just really liked living in one place instead of out of a suitcase and moving every week), and so had both the therapist and my dad supporting me when at fourteen i finally said enough was enough and demanded that my dad get full custody so i didnt have to spend every other week with my abusive mother anymore - while i got out of that situation, my brother didnt. i tried, he knew that it was my decision to live full time with dad and i made it clear he could do the same, but just as it was a given that i was identical to dad’s personality, my brother was identical to mom’s so i think he was more attached to her than i was. either way, he always refused and insisted on continuing to live between both of them. after i hit driving age, my dad transferred responsibility to me for shuttling my brother to and from my dad’s house to my mom’s apartment. dad’d lock himself in his room, or go to the gym, and i’d turn on an endless rotation of star wars movies for jordan and i to watch before i had to take him to his next week’s place (phantom menace was our favorite cause darth maul was just cool ok, dont judge).

anyway, the last day i ever stayed at my moms house, my brother was there. and i must have been twenty or twenty one because he would have only been around seventeen. but even at seventeen he was well over six foot five cause he got all the height in the family which was totally not fair but thats besides the point. so while i was there my mom flew into one of her alcohol induced rages, and took it all out on my brother. i had intellectually figured that all the anger my mom used to take out on me had then transferred to my brother once i stopped living there every other week, but up until that point i hadn’t actually seen it. she started shoving him, and punching him, and not enough so it would hurt much, because as i said he was well over six feet and she was barely five six, so he could pretty well block any thing she dished out. but he was cornered, and he looked scared. and i was hiding useless on the stairwell, crying, and begging mom to stop. and it only stopped cause jordan managed to slip out the front door and once he escaped mom went back into the kitchen, still yelling and angry. and i took the chance to grab my school bag and leave in solidarity. and my brother and i stood there awkwardly on the porch, me still crying, and him smoking and trying to look cool and not like he just got chased out of the apartment by a woman half his size. and i promised him we wouldnt go back until she calmed down, and that she was being unreasonable and he didnt deserve any of it, and id figure out somewhere to go. and we started walking down the sidewalk, but not together because we were never that close. he wandered off somewhere to smoke. and that’s as far as i remember.

this day came up in conversation with my grandma in the months after grandpa’s death, during one of our many three am can’t sleep conversations in grandma’s kitchen (grandma would wake up, i’d hear her get out of bed and wake up too. she’d make herself tea and eat some graham crackers and we’d sit together at the table feeling the third empty chair like an ache). grandma brought it up, because apparently, even though i cant remember this at all, i had my no/kia brick phone in my school bag (a minor miracle because i hated carrying around cell phones for the longest time), and i actually called grandma. and grandpa and her came to pick me up, and they found me sitting on a wall a block away from my mom’s apartment, and then we drove around till we found jordan, and then we all went back to my grandparent’s house. after bringing this up, grandma then, completely unprompted, told me something that child me thought about regularly - she said that even though her mom died when she was 8, leaving her to help raise her two younger siblings, grandma thought in some ways it was easier than what my brother and i went through with the divorce and my mom leaving. i used to regularly - not wish my mom dead, exactly - but wish i could pretend she was dead, rather than her just not being there anymore. especially since, when i was suddenly thrown into being her sole emotional and physical punching bag now that dad wasn’t filling the role anymore, a lot of the times being around her post divorce was not a good thing. (I cut off all contact with my mom finally at age 25 and haven’t looked back)

so yeah, i was fucking pissed that i had worked so hard to try to mitigate the damage i caused by leaving jordan alone with my mom for pretty much the entirety of my high school years...only to have my dad kick him out barely a few years after i left for college and thus putting my brother at my mom’s mercy. ostensibly my dad kicked my brother out because of his drug addictions, but my brother was the most mild mannered addict i’ve ever known. the worst thing he ever did was steal a couple hundred dollars from me, but he never got violent, he never got angry. other people got angry at him. my aunt once tried to fight him in a hospital elevator because he sold my cousin heroin or meth or some shit and my cousin ended up impaling a knife in his chest in front of my grandma, which is a whole nother story. but jordan was only nineteen when that happened. my cousin? thirty six. and a long time violent and angry drug addict with a record (he threw a book at his professor’s head and got kicked out of grad school while on cocaine once, which is how he ended up back in washington state and needing a new drug dealer - hence my brother suddenly getting involved) (same cousin later flew into a drug fueled rage in his forties and almost beat his girlfriend to death) (my brother was long since clean by then and had nothing to do with our cousin getting drugs at that point)

all this to say my dad’s rich bitch new wife didn’t think a drug addict and mentally ill artist fit into her picture perfect family, so dad started making it clear we were not welcome at family functions unless we complied with very strict rules. ironically, jordan was let back into the fold first partially because i can hold a grudge for a very long time and i was very very terrified of my mom and dad was the sane stable one and i had trusted him to take care of everything even without me there and dad had failed pretty spectacularly at that. im still bitter at my dad for his secret marriage and subsequent moving into her million dollar mansion and throwing my brother out. but also partially because jordan started following all of dad’s rules, got himself cleaned up (he moved in with his girlfriend, and i think being out of mom’s house had a lot to do with getting over his addictions), started studying computer science, found a really good software engineering job, suddenly dad approved of him. i also partially antagonized rich bitch wife by doing silly things like wearing black leather pants and the most provocative clothes i owned whenever i went over to their house. rich bitch was a very simple narrow minded person with a lot of prejudices. i imagine i was not seen as a good influence on her two younger daughters. and eventually they stopped seeing me altogether. even when i was living in washington for all of 2017 - the only time i ever saw dad was when he’d come visit my grandparents alone. the day before i took grandma on the train to move to ohio, we were supposed to all have dinner together at our family’s favorite place to eat out - crossroads mall - and the rich bitch refused to show up. that’s how petty she is. she also is so dumb she’s under the delusion that kids get into drugs if they don’t have dogs (????) so that’s why she forced my dad to get a dog for her spoiled brat youngest when the girl went into high school. my dad dislikes animals, so i will say one of the highlights of this marriage is seeing my dad become a dog person. the rich bitch and her daughters mostly ignore the dog, but my dad is so attached to max that he even lets the little puppy sit in his lap while driving. anyway, anyone who thinks dogs are the sole answer to preventing drug addictions can go to hell.

yeah, blah blah blah, to sum up its WEIRD for my dad to suddenly be texting my brother and i unprompted, and asking me about my life and my plans. i dont really know how to deal. i miss him. he was always the closest person in my life to the point where even when i moved away for college, i still assumed after i graduated i’d just move back in with dad so it was only four years being gone, cause why would i ever want to live anywhere else?. i kept thinking if i could hit some level of success that he would approve of, that maybe eventually i could become somebody his rich bitch wife would associate with. but that never happened, obviously. 

[fckeverything-v]

 1. Do you bite or lick ice cream? Lick

 2. What is home to you? Alabama:/

 3. What was the last lie you told? I couldnt tell you

 4. Does everyone deserve the truth? Maybe not?

 6. Describe a moment in which you did something unacceptable in a bad situation. Walk away, move states..

 7. List two things that are more easily done than said. (No, I didn't mix them up.) Being alone & fuck irdk

 8. When was the last time you worked really hard to achieve something? Mhm 4 years ago.

 9. How many all nighters have you pulled? A lotttt haha

 10. If humans didn't evolve to laugh or smile, how would we express our happiness instead? Woah people express that? no but humans would probably bone all the time.

 11. How many romantic "things" or "flings" have you had? Only 2 (technically 3) serious relationships. Many flings.

 12. What is your paradise? I dont have one :(

 13. What is your favorite background noise? (Ex. Water dripping, people talking.) Music

 14. How many hearts do you think you have broken? Only 1... maybe 2 soon. (not you hehe.)

 15. What is the most important thing about electronics? What does this say about you? Finding friendships through social media or other platforms. And mhm probably that im a lonely pos

 16. Why do people care about celebrities? Do you care about celebrities? Because they're pretty. Not really.

 17. What is the most annoying thing someone can do to you? Chew loud.

 18. Do you overexaggerate? What are the pros and cons of this? Eh, yeah. And I cant think of any pros.

 19. Have you played any instruments before? Which instruments? Piano, saxophone

 20. Do you like taking selfies? Why or why not? No. I stare at it until i hate it.

 21. List 3 things you like about yourself?

 22. What is the best advice someone has ever given you? To not give up. As simple as that sounds.

 23. Do you have what it takes to raise a child? Why or why not? No. Dont you need to be mentally stable- i would hope so..

 24. How do you cheer yourself up after a bad day? Play games for hours.

 25. When was the last time you felt awkward? Ha. Literally 5 minutes ago.

 26. Are you introverted or extroverted? Or a mixture of both? Introverted x100000

 27. What constitutes a good friend? Someone who doesnt give up on you amd atleast tries to understand.

 28. Would you rather have a lot of friends to hang out with or just one best friend? One best friend.

 29. In a regular day, what do you not want to hear? 'Hey hows your day going'

 30. What is your dream job? Fuck, is this still a question.. to be a homicide detective in the biggest city i can think of.

 31. Is it better to be lazy but smart or hardworking but unintelligent? Lazy and smart DUH

 32. What is a truth about yourself that others find hard to believe?

 33. What have you always wondered about the other gender? What it feels like to GET OFF. DUH.

 34. Which fantasy world would you like to visit the most? Um my own dreams i guess.

 35. Describe the worst friend you have ever befriended. Im not wasting my time describing that.

 36. Imagine that you have switched bodies with someone you don't know. You can't switch back. What do you do? Live it up. I think id feel happy honestly.

 37. If you found the recipe for immortality, would you sell it or would you burn it? Mh. Sell it, their problem now and im rich.

 38. What is the most important, applicable class you have ever taken? Current events.

 39. Name the last book you read. Dammed- chuck palahniuk

 40. Imagine that you are unable to express emotion. How would this affect your world? No change

 41. When was the last time you made the first move? Um never..

 42. What is your opinion on electronic music such as dubstep or trap? Trash

 43. What was the last tv show youve watched? Rick and Morty.

 44. Do you like and appreciate your life? I appreciate what i am trying to do.

 45. Do you like and appreciate yourself?

 46. When was the last time you cried? Yesterday

 47. What are you scared of? Heights.

 48. What is the most embarrassing, cringe-worthy thing you have ever done? Um live my life everyday probably.

 49. What are some of your hobbies? .... literally WORSE question. I smoke cigs. Is that a hobby?

 50. What is a superficial yet annoying mistake you constantly make?

 51. Are you a good friend? What makes you a good friend? If not, what makes you a bad friend? I feel like i am both. I try to be there for them. But also, im so hard to get so i feel like i might come off the wrong way a lot.

 52. Do you honestly learn from your mistakes? Honestly; nope.

 53. What have you learned the hard way? Not to care what people think. After wasting my whole life. Im starting to realize it doesnt matter.

 54. What is the most important thing to have in order to attain happiness? Follow your heart

 56. Are you a creative or a logical thinker? Both but probably logical.

 57. What is the smartest thing you have ever done?

 58. What is your ideal meal? Fuckk probably so good ass chicken with some gooooood asssssss mac and cheese. As lame as that sounds hahaha.

 59. What is the worst thing someone could do on a date? 1. Go on date with me

 60. Do you like animals? Which kind is your favorite? Yeah and dogs are cute but i love elephants.

 61. If you could turn one legal thing illegal, what would it be? Christmas.

 62. Do you have any guilty pleasures? Of courseeeee (;

 63. What is the best thing that the internet has ever created? Video games.

 64. Do you like playing video games? Which video games? Woah you read my mind of sum? Shooter games.

 65. What is your opinion on beauty in today's society? Bullshit

 66. Are you a morning person? When do you usually wake up? No not really and like 5pm nowadays.

 67. Do you have a favorite Disney movie? Character? No

 68. Would you rather live in the city or in the countryside? City but i love the countryside

 69. Would you rather live near the ocean or in the mountains? Mountains

 70. What are the best things about winter? Cold. Even though i hate it. Snow. Even if i dont see it. Trees dying.

 71. What scares you most about the future? Literally everything.

 72. What makes you feel old? Doing nothing.

 73. How many hours do you spend on the computer or phone on average? Idk like 5.

 74. What are some of your New Year's resolutions? Be a better me.

 75. What is your life story in 6 words?

 76. Describe yourself in one word. Awkward.

 77. What bad habits do you do? Smoking

 78. What genre of music do you listen to? everything

 79. Most prominent childhood memory? I would say, but its embarrassing that that's the memory.

 80. Imagine if you had an older brother. If you already have one, what is it like? If you don't, how would this change your life? My life would be so different. Maybe i would have someone to talk to.

 81. Spirit animal?

 82. Do you believe in horoscopes? Yes

 83. What is the worst advice you've ever been given?

 84. List the 3 most important people in your life right now. 1. Fox 2. Fox 3. Fox

 85. Favorite memory of your family. :/

 86. What do you look for in a relationship? Happiness

 87. Do you have a role model? Why or why not? No. I dont need it. But now that i think about it i have one role model.

 88. What is your opinion on social media? Dumb

 89. Are you a pessimist or an optimist? Pessimest

 90. List some things that you think are overpriced? Food

 91. What is your worst memory or creepiest experience? ..

 92. What superpower would ruin the world? Any of them

 93. What is something you swore you would never do when you grew up, but you did anyway? Exactly what im doing now. Nothing. Giving up. Dropping out

 94. What lessons have you learned from movies and which movies were they? Dont trust yourself when you know you arent okay. Fight club

 95. If you could travel anywhere, where would you go? Europe

 96. How do you approach people? I dont but i guess a smile.

 97. What is your opinion on first impressions? I think theyre okay. Only if you dont judge.

 98. What are some things you did as a child that you no longer do? Lol play with imaginary friends

 99. What languages can you speak? English

 100. What do you think society will be like in 30 years? Lol hopefully ill be dead bc that shit sounds terrible

 101. What do you do on your lazy days? Play games.

 102. What ended your last relationship? I had enough.

 103. Favorite food? Soul food

 104. What is the most terrifying dream you've ever had? Fuck im not saying.

 105. When was the last time you got seriously angry? Last night

 106. What was the last friendship you broke? My friend Ashley:(

 107. Do you have any pet peeves? Close minded people

 108. Who was the last person you gave a hug to? Zack

 109. When was the last time you got seriously stressed? Last night

 110. What part of your personality do you want to change? I dont have one.

 111. Who is the most positively influential person in your life right now? My sister Grace.

 112. What is your biggest motivation? My siblings. Faith & Grace.

 113. What did you want to be when you were little? Honestly i never knew.

 114. What are some things that you are good at? Smokin weed

 115. What is one thing you want to be good at? Social skills

 116. What distracts you the most, especially when you're trying to work? My mind

 117. How important is privacy to you? Eh pretty significant i guess.

 118. If you could create one social norm, what would it be? Be friends with everybody.

 119. What's the craziest lie you've ever told? Um.. i told my 2nd grade teacher my family died in a car crash.

 120. What story do you like to tell about yourself at parties? I dont go to parties haaha

 121. What is the lamest thing that you have seen someone do? have friends and socialize too much like woah calm down you know youre still alone.. right. Like its only you. Hahah jk. But irdk.

 122. What is the stupidest thing you've done to impress someone? a guy invited me over and ive never done anything sexual before so i pretended like i knew and i hurt his dick like bad. (We didnt have sex)

 123. What is your morning routine? Wake up, wash face, brush teeth, get dressed, and then boom feel sad

 124. What's the last thing you did that is worth remembering?

 125. If karma was coming back to you, would it help or hurt you? Help

 126. What is your opinion on playing "hard to get?" Being sort of isolated like not opening up. Which is okay bc if they want you they'll wait.

 127. What are the pros and cons of straightforward? Cons, you may hurt feelings. Pro, you know yourself and what you want to say congratulations

 128. What do you consider "leading" someone on? Being fake happy.

 129. Are you the friendzoner or the friendzoned? Friendzoner

 130. What do you admire most about your friends? How beautiful he is. Inside & out.

 131. What do you admire most about your family? They're still here.

 132. What is your opinion on "going with the flow?" You may forget where you are trying to go. Or who you are.

 133. Do you enjoy talking or listening? Listening.

 134. When is it time to end a friendship? Idk

 135. What is the worst excuse you've ever come up with? Lol too many.

 136. If GPA didn't matter, what courses would you have taken? Doesnt matter.

 137. What are your favorite baby names? Ive always liked Riley for a girl name and idk havent thought Bout a boys name.

 138. When was the last time you had a deep conversation with someone? Maybe a week or so ago. Or a few days ago.

 139. What instantly ruins a conversation? Lack of excitement

 140. Biggest turn ons and turn on offs. Affection. And idk

 143. When did you last do something outside of your comfort zone? God every day.

 147. What do you like about the 21st century? ???

 141. Biggest disappointment. Myself

 142. Do you have any self-restraint? A little.

 144. Prized possession(s)? little things

 145. What is your opinion on second chances? They might seem okay but idk.... depends i guess

 146. Text or call? Both, depends on whom im texting or callin

 148. What advice would you give to yourself 5 years ago? Life is hard and stupid but choices you make will stay with you forever so what are you gonna do, follow your heart or head? (head is better hope)

 149. How organized are you? Eh not really anymore.

 150. Favorite mode of transportation. My car

[ificanwriteiscannon]

Just give me a reason (Douglas!Nikki Sixx Imagine)

A\N: Gif above is not mine, found in google, and characters dont belong to me (I wish)

A\N 2: This is not my best work but the idea came to me and I had to write so I’m sorry for any grammar mistake or something.   

“You should fucking go there and give her a damn reason Sixx” Nikki recognized Tommy’s voice from behind him as he stared at the piece of paper in front of him.

“Fuck off Tommy” The bassist replied without taking the eyes of what he’d been staring all morning.

“No man, I mean it ok?! Dude she is the one for you! I know this, you know this, even she knows th-“

“THEN WHY THE HELL IS SHE MARRYING THIS ASSHOLE? HUN TOMMY? WHY THE HELL?” Nikki snapped and got up ready to kick the shit of anyone or anything in front of him

“She asked you for a reason man..” The drummer’s voice was low but filled with compassion, and the worst part for Nikki was that he knew that Tommy was right.

…..

“FUCK Y\N! I CANT STAND THIS ANYMORE OK?! IT’S MY FUCKING LIFE DAMNIT STOP CONTROLLING ME” At this point Nikki didn’t even know what they were fighting about. This argument started at what felt like hours ago.

“JESUS NIKKI, I’M NOT TRYING TO FUCKING CONTROL YOU! ALL I ASK IS FOR YOU DON’T GET YOURSELF KILLED, BECAUSE I CAN’T IMAGINE MY LIFE WITHOUT YOU, FUCKER!” Y\N screamed back at him passing her hands in her hair. As the last words left her mouth, tears pooled at her eyes and she couldn’t hold them back anymore.

Nikki felt his insides melt as he watched her cry. His mind screaming to hug her and never let her go, to tell her to forget about the fucking fight and just hold him, to tell her that he’d do anything for her, because he would. However, he just stood there, with tears rolling in his face as well.

“I had enough of this shit” Y\N whispered and started collecting her things into a bag.

“Babe, wait” Nikki broke out of his daze and watched her stop on her tracks

“Give a reason Nikki. Just give me a reason to stay and I will.” She still had her back turned to him and her voice was broken from her tears. “Just tell me you love me more than the drugs. Just tell me we can work this out together and I’ll fix it Nikki. I love you more than my fucking life and  I- Just please say something“

“I’m sorry. I can’t.”  And with that he walked out the flat they shared. From the other side of the door he could hear her crying and it shattered him. Nikki left before he ran to her arms.

She deserved better than that, and now he knew he had to let her go. It was the best for her; he was being shellfish holding her back from the perfect life she deserved. The bassist repeated like a mantra as he walked around the neighborhood, hoping to come at ease, but that of course never happened.

When Sixx came back all her things were gone. He cried the whole night after bringing the entire place to the ground. All the memories were broken now, just like he was without his girl. Without Y\N.

…..

The band had just come back from tour. Nikki was still dizzy from the flight, so he just entered his house and left his things at the side of the front door.  

Heading to his couch with his remote on hands he noticed the machine and the long number of lost calls. Without a sigh he decided to take care of that. After almost 20 minutes of messages, one took his breath away.

“Hi Nikki, it’s me.. Y\N. I hope you still me remember me for that, but if you can’t, I’m the girl who used outdrink you any day. Ringing a bell?” Her voice was playful but he could tell that she was scared the he wouldn’t recognize or remember her. Like he could do that. Even after all this time she still held his heart and the others were just others.

“I got your number from Tommy by the way, just so you don’t think I’m a psychotic bitch who stalks you or something. Well I just called to ask,.. I mean, I don’t know if you got the invitation, but I was hoping to hear a response from you ok? I sent to the guys and I’m still waiting their answer too, but it’d be awesome to get the gang back together..”  Nikki could feel the tension in her voice, but still hadn’t quite understood what she was talking about. He was just so happy that her voice was filling his ears again that nothing else mattered. Her sigh made Nikki come back to his daydreaming state.

“Anyway, I guess- I guess I’m just hoping you changed your mind. I’m hoping you can- I’m hoping you want to give me a reason now. I’m hoping you can say something now. Or just put me on your shoulder and tell me you love me like you used to. Give me a reason so I don’t get married Nikki.. Please.” Y\N was crying by now. But the bassist mind was in another level. She was getting married? No, that couldn’t be.

Running to his old mail he found it. A silver envelope with her known handwriting. ‘To Nikki’, it said in the colored pen, ‘still waiting for a reason’ written in the bottom corner. The man sunk to his knees and cried. He cried like he did in the night he lost Y\N, the worst night of his life.

He listened to the message a lot of times, and cried most of them. He knew this would happen, she deserved this. But why she had to make it so hard for him, when Nikki only wanted what’s best for her?

Nikki Sixx was not the kind of guys who should be at the end of an altar. But neither was Y\N the kind of girl who should be marrying the wrong guy. The church was full and he acknowledged some of them as part of Y\N’s family.  

“Always thought I would burn” Tommy whispered as they took a seat hidden in a corner, receiving a glare from his friend. Sixx would never admit it, but he needed Tommy there. “C’mon man, no need to be nervous. Just go back there and tell her you love her. She’ll love it and we can take her away. Hell, I miss my friend..”

“I’m not nervous, and it’s not that simple” Nikki aggressively whispered

“Of course it fucking is man” Tommy said a bit loud gaining some bad looks from other people. “Sorry” The drummer said with his hands up “Man you gotta-“

But the drummer couldn’t finish his sentence as he was interrupted by the organ, playing something that sounded like a death march to Nikki. And all of sudden there she was. All in white, looking perfect, just like Nikki imagined on the many nights he dreamed that HE was the one she was marrying. The love of his life being shown of like a trophy, about to be delivered to an asshole.

He couldn’t take his eyes of her. Y\N’s smile was empty and didn’t reach her eyes. She searched through the crowd, and as soon as her eyes found his a genuine smile opened in her face. The song stopped as she reached the end of the altar. The man’s hand sought for hers but she held it tight against herself, a fact that made Nikki smile and filled him with confidence. This was wrong. She deserved someone who could give her a stable, boring life without all the drama he gave her. But was that really a good life if she was unhappy? Nikki was at peace giving his happiness away, but not hers, never hers.  

His thoughts kept him stuck in a daydream between their past, their fights, their lovemaking and all the nights filled with talks about their future. And when he turned to the altar there she was, turned in front of a man she was supposed to spend the rest of her life with but with her eyes on him.

Y\N stared at him as she was silently asking for help, just like she used to do when Tommy wouldn’t shut up about a new girl, swearing that this one was the love of his life. She didn’t want this. Y\N loved him and he loved her. Nikki was done running away from that.

“STOP” Nikki yelled, creating a wave of silence in the church, accompanied with a few gasps “Y\N you can’t- You can’t marry this guy” He got up from his seat and moved to her direction

“That’s what I’m talking about dude” Tommy whispered, fisting the air and gaining horror looks.

“I’m sorry babe, but you just can’t marry him when you can’t stop loving me” Nikki stood in front of her with a small smile in his lips. He could sense the groom was about to punch him, and that was a price he was willing to pay after all the years he shut his mouth.

“A few years ago you asked for a reason to stay and I was a pussy. But now I’m here to say what I should’ve told back then, baby. I love you. Always did and always will. You are my girl, the one and only and I- Damn there’s nothing in this world I would not do it for you.” Y\N had a hand covering her lips but Nikki could see her smile and the tears rolling down her eyes.

“I’ll do whatever you want me to do; I’ll let everything in my life go if you come back baby. What do you say hun? Give this motherfucker a chance and I swear I’ll make you the happiest woman in the whole world.” Nikki took her hand and kissed it. It was like the word had stopped and there was them. The two idiots who loved each other more than they should.

“Look man, you had your chance and you ruined ok? And you may be a rock star and all but I think the show here is done. Go back to your groupies ok?”

“That’s not your saying John” Nikki replied with gritted teeth

“That’s not my name asshole, an-”

“Whatever man” The bassist cut him and turned to Y\N “Please sweetheart, just say something” He used her words, the words that hunted him for so long. She cleared her throat looking to the shocked crowd, and turned her smiling face at him

“Tommy” She yelled and the drummer got up instantly “Get the car ready. I finally have my reason” Y\N whispered the last part looking directly in her lover’s eyes. Not wanting to waste any second, Nikki took her by the waist and kissed her deeply.

Out of breath, hair a mess, make up all ruined, eyes still closed and a smile on her lips. “God how much I missed you babygirl” Nikki told her, caressing her bottom lip stuck between her teeth.  

“I missed you too Sixx. Now just take me away from here”

“Gladly” He took her hand but before he could pull her away a voice came from her side, and before they could react a punch was delivered in Nikki’s face. A punch that threw him on the ground

“OH HELL NO.. YOU ARE NOT DOING THIS..YO-YOU CAN’T BREAK THE WEDDING” The groom said in anger as Y\N went to Nikki’s rescue. He quickly got up and took her hand

“I’m so sorry Jesse. You’re a really nice guy and I hope you find someone who loves you just like I love Nikki.” Y\N turned to her family at the altar and gave them a sad smile, and after a whispered ‘I’m sorry’ Nikki noticed the preacher urging them to leave.

Now, Nikki Sixx was never a man of faith, but in that moment, he couldn’t agree more with the man in the cassock. The bassist took the woman of his dreams by the waist and threw her on his shoulder, a gasp leaving her mouth along with some sweet giggles.

Around them the world was falling apart but they could only hear each other’s laugh. One incensed and irritated groom was left behind at the altar, as he could only watch the two crazy lovers ran to their future.

They were still laughing when the raven-haired man dropped the runaway bride on the back of the car parked in front of the church. Their laughter died slowly and suddenly the couple were just staring at each other, as if just now realizing what they did for each other.

“So,” Tommy said turning the car on and getting his friends attention “McDonald's?” The drummer asked serious, making the couple burst into laughter.

[thesportssoundoff]

“No but seriously, he has one eye” The Brawl For All Combatants Ordered Out!

So a few weeks ago, I presented you with a beginning outline of what I'm aiming to do here. A chance to take a long look at the Brawl For All; a concept so insiduous that I imagine even Vince McMahon has aimed to bury it in the deepest recesses of his mind. The first time out we looked at its genesis, the concepts and the back stories beyond the concepts:

http://thesportssoundoff.tumblr.com/post/183395306465/what-happens-when-you-take-a-bad-idea-and-make-it

NOW let's take a long look at who participated, who didn't participate and the fallacy behind the entire project IF rumors are to be believed.

A Hot Take To Lead Us Off

This is something I long theorized but a long look at the people involved in the Brawl For All confirmed it for me. So by and large, the Brawl For All was a stupid dumb concept. Agreed, right? Well what if it could've worked elsewhere? Now again the rules are dumb, the genesis behind it was dumb, everything about it from stem to stern is full of stupidity. Allow me to argue that it COULD have worked; just not in the WWF. When you see the roster the WWF was working with here, it's not going to blow you away on paper and we obviously have a mighty fine idea of how the execution went. What about a different Brawl For All roster? Saaay (in 1998 when this happened):

Rick or Scott Steiner- Decorated All American wrestlers for the University of Michigan Scott Norton- Legitimate tough guy bad ass professional arm wrestler, former bodyguard of Prince Jerry Flynn- Taekwando practitioner, former mixed martial artist Earnest Miller- Three time karate champion Glacier- Professional karate man dude prior to pro wrestling Brian Knobbs/Jerry Saggs- The JBL's of WCW in more ways than one seemingly Meng- All time legendary tough guy and bar room savage Barbarian- Genuine tough guy El Dandy- Jam Up Guy Serious Professional All Around Good Man

Plus the other litany of guys who were noted shooters or tough guys on the undercard. Let's also be fair and note that the South was a touch more receptive to the UFC at this point in time than say the East Coast as well. Perhaps it could've worked with a better roster and perhaps WCW, with its glut of shooters and tough guys respected in the industry, would've been better suited for a Brawl For All.

Or maybe it's just a stupid fucking idea with no merit. That too.

So who DIDN'T participate?

Well let's start with the very beginning and work our way back. Let's talk about some of the guys who just opted NOT to participate. For starters, the big stars were obviously not going to partake in this. Right off the jump you have to assume Undertaker, Austin, DX, The Rock, Kane, Mankind, Vader and the like are not going to be participating. This was about giving a bunch of guys they kind of didn't give a shit about something to do so that meant no sacrificing top stars. It was filler programming and obviously everybody doing important shit was busy doing important shit. Also of note was that the WWF did not want originally the likes of Dan Severn, Steve Blackman and Ken Shamrock in it. Ken apparently wasn't interested and made the argument that it didn't benefit him given the fact that he was a genuine UFC star still to take a pit stop in pro wrestling. At the same time, Dan Severn was asked not to participate at first and then had to be coerced into taking a spot when injuries happened. The same goes for Steve Blackman who was signed up after a few drop outs occurred, primarily due to the promise of Blackman being allowed to throw kicks in the tournament. The dropouts are hard to pinpoint but Tiger Ali Singh is one of the more notorious ones per Bob Holly. I've also read around that Ahmed Johnson was at one point supposed to be in it but I've never been able to confirm that (or remember the shoot interview that it was mentioned in). The point is that on its face, the Brawl For All was going to be a shoot fighting tournament without the two genuine proven shoot fighters in case you're curious about the true idea behind it.

Also as an MMA fan, I can't help but notice the # of "I was a last minute addition" stories these guys have. Lord knows that has to be a common thing said by guys like Sean Shelby and Mick Maynerd to get some of these fights done. I'd imagine that "We need a guy and you're going to help us out!" sweet talk happens to this day. My immediate thought is that they were either a) having a tough time filling spots in the Brawl For All and started telling people they were in need of last minute additions or b) most of these guys regret doing it and figure saying they were last minute replacements helps take the edge off.

So who WAS in?

We got sixteen names so buckle up and pour a drink or two.

8-Ball- Ron Harris aka 1/2 of The Blu Brothers aka Vince Russo's Creative Control. Vince Russo has never been a master of subtlety and so I suppose it's no surprise that one of his top angles was "Gang Warz" pitting an all white stable (The DOA) vs an all Puerto Rican tag team (Los Boricuas) vs a mostly all black tag team (the Nation Of Domination). Needless to say, Vince Russo makes it hard to defend him sometimes. To my knowledge neither Ron nor brother Don have any sort of proven fighting experience and the less said about them (and their tattoos), the better off we'll be. Ron (and Don) were rumored to have threatened Shawn Michaels on their last night in the WWF in the 90s, a rumor that seems to be corroborated by at least a few folks.

Steve Blackman- Most of the dudes who talk about the Brawl For All admit that this guy probably wins it all things being equal. Blackman had a legit karate background with some muay thai and amateur wrestling mixed in. Besides Blackman somehow overcame being bedridden for two years with malaria to become a legitimate pro wrestler so needless to say if it's a "Who wants it more?" shoot type deal, he's going to cover the grit and grind department well. Blackman is also rumored to have once taken down The Big Show and held him down until Show begged him to let him up which is akin to Bob Backlund apparently getting the Iron Sheik down and sitting on him until he either lost interest or was asked to let him up. Steve Blackman is by all intents and purposes a badass.

Bradshaw- Apparently the inspiration behind this atrocity depending upon who you ask. Bradshaw's reputation is marred now with incidents of bullying (real or fabricated), pro wrasslin' racism (goosestepping in Germany to get heat, some other old school heel shenanigans) and borderline dangerous behavior like blindsiding the Blue Meanie and beating the shit out of him when Meanie thought it was a working brawl. At this point though, none of that is really widespread and Bradshaw is just a fake Stan Hansen who looks tough and stiffs the hell out of people. He's about to eventually turn into a mute member of the Undertaker's industry before he comes a heel mercenary for hire before they turn into FUN beer drinking cigar smoking mercenaries for hire before turning into a Wall Street rich Texan chasing Mexicans "at the border" to get heat for a feud with Eddie Guerrero. I suppose you cant say Bradshaw didn't earn it at least.

Brakkus- Wooof. Brakkus was a massive German bodybuilder who apparently didn't quite understand that the Brawl For All wasn't worked. The WWF had big plans for Brakkus (if they send you to Memphis to work for Lawler in the USWA, it probably means they had a long term vision for him) but he sucked and no matter where they sent him, he continued to suck. He was bad in Memphis, was bad in ECW and ultimately this feels like an attempt to just do something with him. Again though, how good you are as a pro wrestler doesn't matter in the Brawl For All. It was about legit fighting----and Brakkus apparently according to Savio Vega had no idea he was in a real fight. Keep that in mind.

Mark Canterbury- I have NO idea why Henry O. Godwinn is listed on wikipedia by his real name but fuck it, here he is! So full blindspot up front, I LOVED Henry O' Godwinn as a kid. He carried around a slop bucket, poured what looked like puke on people, wrestled in overalls which helped him stand out and it sort of gets lost in the fact that he was given a dumb gimmick (In the mid 90s, it felt like the WWE was acknowledging how big of a slide it was in because every human being had a side hustle) that Godwinn could absolutely work. Here's Godwinn vs Bret Hart in a killer match btw: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L9vihPkNmLM. This was before Vince Russo and company turned them from a fun midcard act into a gross-ish play on Vince McMahon's distaste for southerners. Oh and also! Henry Godwin PROBABLY is doing this with a  still kinda broken neck. He broke it in 1997, was told to take three months or more off (Godwinn gives numbers ranging from ten weeks to sixteen weeks) and he just showed back up in less than two months to work through it. Keep that in mind.

Droz- A tragic story all in all which we'll get to eventually. Droz at this point is basically coming out of a dead angle with the LOD where he was written in storyline to be feeding drugs (and whatever else) to Road Warrior Hawk in an attempt to take his place in the Legion Of Doom. If it sounds awful it's because it was and while MAYBE a good writer can make that work, we're talking about the WWF in 1998 trying to soap opera a drug pusher/drug abuse victim angle. It ultimately ended with Droz shoving Road Warrior Hawk off the titantron while Hawk was attempting to commit suicide. Again, it's as bad as you'd believe. Droz had a college football background but that's about it unless I missed some boxing or kickboxing background.

The Godfather- By all accounts the Godfather is a badass. He was hip to MMA before the UFC really caught on, was a freakishly devoted bodybuilder and he just looks like the sort of guy who would take very little shit from anybody. The Godfather is about to become THE Godfather as he's transitioning from Kama Mustafa and the Nation Of Domination's actually good muscle enforcer (Mark Henry is bad around this time and would continue to be such until about 2009 or so) but at this point I'd imagine the writing is on the wall for most of the NOD guys that the Rock is about to leave them in the dust and this group is going to theoretically die a death. The Godfather is about to take a seriously big turn but FIRST, the Brawl For All!

Bart Gunn- At this point, Bart Gunn is doing nothing. Basically nothing. One could even say less than nothing. Bart Gunn is in The New Midnight Express, an angle that Vince Russo has claimed was apparently a way to shut up Jim Cornette and prove to him that old style wrestling couldn't work in 1998. Bart Gunn was apart of the Smoking Gunns and according to him, he had toughman contest experience. Apparently Bart Gunn got brought into the Brawl For All because Kevin Kelly had seen him wear out big guys in Tampa and per Billy Gunn, Bart was the sort of dude who could wipe out a bar room full of people if need be. That said it's not like Bart had any boxing experience or what have you.

Hawk- Another noted tough dude and one of pro wrestling's weirdest mysteries. Every old school dude be it Kevin Sullivan, Jim Cornette or Paul Heyman raves about Hawk as a talent and claims he could've been a major marquee attraction as a singles wrestler. Kevin Sullivan in particular claims that had he had the opportunity to work with Hawk and freshen him up as a singles wrestler, he could've been an Undertaker-esque attraction who drew money across multiple character iterations. Hawk is coming off his personal demons storyline which I mentioned before that sucked. At this point, he and Animal have broken down and are in serious need of repairs from a physical and character standpoint.

Bob Holly- Bradshaw and Bob Holly in the same tournament and somehow they didn't face off? In 2019, I imagine people would be rooting for a double KO (although Bob's image has softened with fans since leaving the WWE) but at this point Bob Holly is just trying to figure shit out in his career. He's teaming with Bart Gunn in the New Midnight Express after sputtering out (HA HA) as a race car driver. Bob Holly is another dude who by in large is just known as a tough guy with a bit of a bully streak tendency behind that reputation. Owner of the wrestling world famous "YOU GOT TWENTY FOUR HOURS TO LEARN HOW TO FIGHT, BITCH!" threat to Rene Dupree before he kicked the shit out of him over parking tickets.

Marc Mero- The story of Marc Mero is a rough one with a happy ending. Marc Mero was really over in WCW as Johnny B. Badd, a Little Richard knock off with a Badd Blaster that shot confetti. Johnny B. Badd was so over that Vince paid him big money to be Johnny B. Badd----only for someone to smarten him up that Johnny B. Badd was a WCW trademark so he had paid for a guy who was trained from jump to do ONE role his whole career. Marc Mero was pretty over and underrated as a wrestler (I SWEAR BY THIS) before his knees gave in. Making matters worse for him was that his wife, Rena, was the women's face of the Attitude Era as Sable. According to Jim Cornette, Marc Mero was trying to be a good husband and help get his super over wife even MORE over---so he took a powerbomb from her on TV. Mero's future big money opponent was Stone Cold who happened to be  watching the show at the time from home. Apparently Austin called up Vince McMahon and immediately asked who he would be working with on next week's Raw since he wasn't going to do any business with Mero after eating a powerbomb on TV from his wife. I don't know if this was before or after the Brawl For All though so take that for what it's worth. Either way, Mero is doing a boxing gimmick now (he is apparently a reputable legit golden gloves champion) and so it makes sense he'd be in the Brawl For All.

Pierre- This is a real shootfight tournament. Actual punches are being thrown and takedowns are implemented. This is, again, a legitimate shoot fight----and so of course one of the dudes involved in the shoot fight is missing an eye. Quebeccer Pierre/Pierre Carl Oulette/Jon Pierre Lefitte is missing an eye and was competing in a shoot tournament WITH one eye. We're not talking Michael Bisping fighting with a damaged eye for years on end, we're talking about an actual lack of an eye. This happened, people. We'll talk more about Pierre (and his amazing story in 2019) but right now in 1998, he's JAG who is bouncing between WCW and WWF looking for something to do. He's also at this point known as the guy who refused to put Kevin Nash over in 1995 despite Nash being the face of the company. PCO is the original Bret Hart, refusing to job in Canada.

Scorpio- I gotta admit I have no idea what Scorpio is doing here. I bet he doesn't know either if we're being truthful. Scorpio is one of those guys who was ahead of his time but seemed incapable of staying on the right path (whatever that means in wrestling) to get what he was due. He had come into the WWF in 1997 as Flash Funk and so I imagine Flash Funk was over and he's just killing time until the Job Squad angle.  Scorpio is apparently a legit tough guy (or madman depending on who you ask) and held a 1-0 unofficial record over Hawk after he beat the shit out of him in WCW.

Dan Severn- Dan Severn was told he wouldn't even be allowed to participate and then was told the day OF the taping that he was needed to take a spot. Severn is not too far removed from being a UFC everything (champion, tournament winner etc etc) and so he's for the most part a prospective favorite. That's probably why he wasn't asked to compete at first I'd imagine since the plan was PERHAPS to get somebody else over. Another rumor is that Severn is such a boring plain dude with a boring plain style (Severn admits his plan was to never throw a punch and just grapple people) that if he had won, there would've been no payoff in it.

Savio Vega- I have NO idea if Savio Vegas has a professional sports background or what the deal was. Apparently Savio Vegas asked to be in it and was also the unofficial official matchmaker (he drew the names out of a hat) and he's Puerto Rican so he's got my rooting interest right away. I think Los Boricuas at this point were in full swing and Savio was obviously the head of said stable. Gang Warz was dumb as hell.

Steve Williams- And we reach the FINAL name. "Dr. Death" Steve Williams. Steve Williams was a former football player at the University of Oklahoma and one of the more decorated wrestlers in Oklahoma history. He had carved out a niche in Japan by this point after establishing himself as a star in Mid South with the occasional stop off in the NWA/Jim Crockett Promotions/various regional feds and start ups. Williams didn't have any official fighting background but he was a crazy good wrestler and by all accounts a ridiculous bad ass. Jim Cornette tells stories of Dr. Death fighting fans and laying bodies to waste with little to no effort. He was also extremely popular with people in the WWF office, namely Jim Ross and Jim Cornette. Bruce Prichard doesn't QUITE say that the WWF thought Dr. Death would win the Brawl For All but he does a damn good enough impression of Jim Ross advocating for Steve Williams that I have to believe it. Vince Russo has spoken in the past about Steve Williams being Jim Ross' "boy" and how this was basically his way of seeing whether Jim Ross was right. Bob Holly has said that they were already doing vignettes with Barry Switzer and interviews as if Dr. Death won the Brawl For All. Dr. Death claims that the Triple H push of 1999 was the one Vince had promised him before the Brawl For All.

All of this brings me to my final point.....

Dr. Death was never going to be a big star in the WWF

I truly hate to speak ill of the dead and I'm trying hard no to either. Let's just speak from a more realistic pragmatic grounded stance. The kind of talent that was getting over in 1999 falls into three distinct categories. The first were talkers, guys and gals who could rap so to speak and had tremendous presence. Promo guys could carry the day and even IF you gave Dr. Death a Jim Ross to do the talking for him, let's not forget that by 1998 at this point in July there's basically just one manager actually doing anything as a talker and that's Paul Bearer. "Dr. Death" Steve Williams was not a talker and even if he was, he's certainly not the kind of talker who would fit in Vince McMahon's WWF. The second were guys who were big with "the look" according to Vince McMahon. Pull up a picture of every top star in 1998 for the WWF and then slide Dr. Death in there and ask if he fits the mold. He's unique for sure and there's the Mick Foley outlier----but imagine how long it took Mick Foley to be seen as legitimate by Vince McMahon. Even if Dr. Death is the definition of a Jim Ross style Hoss, he looks woefully out of date by 1998 standards. He in many ways, like a lot of guys who frequently toured Japan and basically were behind on the times, looked like he had been left in 1988. Lastly there were the gimmick guys; the Undertaker, Kane, The Rock, DX, Austin etc etc. Dr. Death's gimmick was that he was an ass kicker which is great but AGAIN we are to believe every human being in the WWF at this time is an ass kicker. Maybe Vince and company would've found a way to get something out of him but the chances are that Dr. Death would've never been a big star. Could he have feuded with Stone Cold? Surely! A big money draw? A multi million dollar hit? I just don't see it. Can't imagine it. Also let's be fair here, how toned down would his style have been for the WWF at the time as well? Is he going to suplex Steve Austin around after Stone Cold broke his neck? I'm not quite buying that either.

So there's your sixteen. You got a few amateur wrestlers ten years beyond their competitive days, a boxer or two, a toughman contest guy, a few dudes who dabbled in kickboxing and a man with legitimately one eye. You've got the guy who the company thinks SHOULD win it. So who won the fuckin' thing? How did they win it?

That's for next time.

[reesewestonarchive]

chapter four / rem belongs to @forlornraven / masterpost / mature content

Music pulses through Nakoa’s legs, and Jenna’s body sways against Nakoa’s, pressed against him as close as she can go. She smells like mangoes, like sweat.

Nakoa inhales against her neck, licks a long line up to her jaw, sucks against it. She shudders underneath him, and Nakoa grins as she takes his hand, presses it beneath her jeans. She turns her head, pupils blown wide, and she says, “Wanna go back to mine?”

Yes. Absolutely. Nakoa feels a buzz in his veins he hasn’t in a while at the prospect, and—”Yeah. You bet.”

He’s not sure where Rem is, but he’s been gone all day. left that morning, didn’t come back, even though the car still sits in the parking lot at the motel. At least, it did, before Nakoa took to the streets to find something to take his mind of it, off of wondering where Rem was.

Probably wasted in the back alley of some bar, still downing a bottle of whiskey he’d pilfered off of some unsuspecting bartender.

Or—maybe he’s doing exactly what Nakoa’s doing now, finding somebody to bury his dick into, get off without the mountain of complications.

It’s been three days, and between sightseeing and sleep, they’re only just west of Denver, in some shitty small town that reminds Nakoa of Withervale just a little too much, but the girls are attractive, and the guys look like they could punch Nakoa out if he stared a little too long, and Rem’s been in a bad mood since Baldie.

Nakoa’ll take his chances, he thinks, with Jenna. He asks, “Are you far?” and grins when she shudders as he touches her.

He goes home with Jenna, and tries not to think of Rem when he comes.

Jenna offers to give him a ride back to the motel, but in the aftermath Nakoa really just wants a fucking shower, to wash what feels like a layer of filth off of him, and some awkward fifteen minute drive across town isn’t going to make him feel any better.

And it’s not cold out, anyway. “I’m good,” he says, as he tugs on jeans. Jean covers herself with her sheet, cocks her head to the side.

“You okay?” Her tone is just this side of concerned; she’s being polite, but Nakoa can tell she’s not really interested in the answer.

“Yeah,” he says, then, for a reason he doesn’t know, he says, “just complicated.”

“Aw,” Jenna says, sitting at the end of her bed. “I know complicated.” She gives him a glance, then says, “You a cool guy?”

Nakoa’s a loser. Unemployed and homeless and traveling across the country without any kind of a fucking plan, in search of a better life he’s not sure he’s ever going to find. Mediocrity feels less like a shadow hunting him and more like the prize at the end of the race.

Is he running away from it, or running towards it?

“I guess.” She can’t be talking about that.

“My girlfriend and I are kind of on a break.” She shrugs. “And it’s so stupid.”

“Relationships are complicated,” Nakoa says. He pulls his shirt over his head. “My…” but the word doesn’t come. What is Rem? His best friend? It’s not untrue, but he’s reasonably sure most best friends don’t fuck.

Most.

Is there a word for something in the middle, between romantic and friendly?

As she watches him, Jenna seems to pick up what’s going through his head. “Oh,” she says, pointing a finger at him. “You got it bad.”

“I do not.”

“And I thought me and my girl were complicated.”

For some reason, that pisses Nakoa off more. “There’s no girl.”

It’s the first time he’s even come close to saying the word out loud. Nakoa knows there’s a word for who he is, but it still feels wrong when he says it, when he thinks it. Not the attraction—there’s merit in sleeping with all kinds of people—but the word. The way people see it and think disgusting. Heathen.

“Oh.” Jenna’s voice is soft, and she stands. “So. Same boat.”

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

She shrugs. “Suit yourself.”

They kiss before Nakoa leaves, just because Jenna enjoys it, just because she asks, and Nakoa agrees because she showed him a good time, and it’s the least he can do. He wishes her good luck with her girlfriend and stomps back to the hotel room.

Where Rem sits, outside of it, empty fifth clutched between his knees. He doesn’t hear Nakoa approach, but he does react when Nakoa touches his shoulder, jerks away like Nakoa’s burned him.

“About fucking time,” he says, and his voice is like a river, watery and rushing, tripping over itself in his eagerness to speak. “I’ve been waiting for hours.”

“Sorry,” Nakoa says. Doesn’t point out that Rem has a key, too. He unlocks the door. He tugs on Rem’s arm, and the whiskey bottle falls to the sidewalk, crashes and breaks. Nakoa leaves it. “Did you drink all of that?”

“It’s—” He hiccups. “Bottom shelf, don’t get hissy.”

Nakoa took… something, at the club, earlier, before he went home with Jenna. He’s awfully fucking hypocritical if he tells Rem that he can’t do this. At least he came back. At least they got away from Baldie. From Withervale.

Drunk and alive is better than the alternative.

He draws Rem into the shower, starts taking off his clothes, and Rem says, “Ooh, am I gonna fuck you over the counter?”

“Keep dreaming,” Nakoa says, as he pulls off Rem’s jeans. He’s cold, so Nakoa warms the water and shoves him under the stream. Rem yelps, but relaxes into the hot, if lacking pressure, water. His entire body goes slack as it cascades over him.

Nakoa turns away, doesn’t watch, as tempting as it is. “You get back okay?”

Rem laughs. “Please. Liquor store’s not that far away. Where’d you get off to?”

“Girl I met at the club.” Nakoa pitches his voice higher, to be heard over the water. “You have a good time?”

“Better when you’re there.”

But he didn’t ask. He’d blazed through cities, the last forty eight hours, taking small roads instead of highways, getting lost and debating over the map with Nakoa multiple times, and.

“Missed you,” Rem says, his voice quiet. Nakoa wonders if he even said it at all. If maybe he imagined it. He’s been wanting to hear Rem say it for so long. Hoping for some kind of sign.

But no.

The water shuts off, and Nakoa makes his way back out into the room, digs in Rem’s bag until he finds something suitable for bed for him. The idiot’ll pass out on the bed, if he doesn’t, and Nakoa’ll end up with none of the blanket instead.

Rem stands in the threshold to the bathroom, though, and Nakoa glances up at him, just once, before turning back to the task at hand.

“I mean it,” Rem says.

Means what? “Sure.” T-shirt, underwear. It’ll work. Someday, when Nakoa’s not counting every penny, he’ll buy Rem some new clothes, fi him back in with the style.

Nakoa, though. He needs a job, first. Something simple, something under the table. A stable place in LA, or somewhere else, because he and Rem are living off of gas station snacks and Nakoa’s stomach is protesting bite of food he eats.

But every mile between him and Withervale feels a little more like flying

He gives Rem his clothes, and before he can turn away, Rem’s fingers reach out, wrap around his wrist. His voice is soft, unlike him, when he says, “Nakoa,” and Nakoa looks up, studies the lines in Rem’s face, the curve of his cheekbones, the arch of his eyebrows.

He doesn’t know what to say, so he lifts a shoulder in a shrug and holds uncertainty deep in his chest like an old friend. Rem strokes his thumb down Nakoa’s wrist, and there’s a short glimpse of a smile before he lifts one hand, the one holding his towel, and pulls Nakoa in, forehead to forehead, whiskey strong on his breath.

Nakoa breathes it in, lets his eyes fall close as the towel unravels at Rem’s feet, as Rem closes the distance between them.

Rem tastes like whiskey, like freedom, like betrayal, but Nakoa can’t complain if he tastes like someone else. He accepts the kiss for whatever it is, and pulls back. Taps his fingers against Rem’s chest and says, “I’m pretty tired, man.”

It’s not a denial, but Rem’s different, shitfaced, whiskey heavy on his lips and in his limbs, and Nakoa likes him normal, likes him sober, likes the way he lingers. Often, Nakoa wonders if he imagines the lingering.

He doesn’t question it. But the stark difference between sober and drunk feels like night and day, and Nakoa would rather not.

If Rem asks, the answer is yes. But Nakoa prefers not giving him the opportunity to ask. It’s easier to deny him.

Sometime in the night, Rem wakes and vomits over the side of the bed. Nakoa m, eyes heavy with sleep, says nothing. Presses himself against Rem’s back when he’s done, wracking his brain for a song. Settles in on “Friday I’m in Love” after he decides The Clash might be too fast.

His forehead is sweaty against Rem’s shoulder blades. But he doesn’t pull away, keeps humming for Rem well after the song is through, continuing with Modern English and Simple Minds.

“You don't have to do this.”

Nakoa doesn’t falter in his humming, just drops a hand over Rem’s waist and tugs him in.

He pressed his mouth against Rem’s skin, not like a kiss, bur as much like one as he dares. He hums, holds Rem’s denial behind his teeth, doesn’t answer.

-

“Clutch,” Rem says, pressing on Nakoa’s left knee. “Middle is brake. Right’s gas.” He taps the gear shift. “So, driving. Ease off the gas a bit, onto the clutch, shift, off the clutch, onto the gas.”

Nakoa blinks. His heart beats, strong and steady in his chest. “And to move?”

Rem’s voice holds its tone when he speaks, walks Nakoa through the steps. The car stalls under Nakoa’s guidance the first three times, but Rem pushes him forward, encouragement heavy in his words, and Nakoa’s chest swells with pride when he can finally drive his way across the parking lot.

They traded in the junker for this piece of shit, more torn up than the last. It smells like weed and vomit and pine trees, but it gets better mileage, and the speakers aren't blown out, and Rem won fifteen hundred in a bet on the game two nights ago.

The Earth feels less like Jello beneath Nakoa's feet.

Rem grips his thigh when Nakoa turns through the parking lot, pleased as he lets out a yell, and—oh.

Nakoa kills the engine, and the car comes to a slow stop. “Fuck.”

But Rem waves it away. “It’s great! Shit, I burnt out Billi’s clutch the first time I tried—” But at the mention of his mother, Rem’s expression falls. He shoves open the door, says, “Enough for today.”

They’re in Utah. Have been for a few days, after replacing the windshield in Colorado, after Jenna.

Yesterday, Nakoa got inexplicably homesick, stared at a payphone for five minutes, and convinced himself not to call.

Barely.

They settle into each other’s seats. The beauty of this van, Nakoa realizes, is that it isn’t; an old, clunker of a beast, with the back seats torn out and a sunroof modded in. Except for showers, they don’t need motels anymore.

Their trip got a hell of a lot cheaper. And, heading into LA, Nakoa’s not sure how far their money will go.

Relieved to be out of the driver’s seat, back under Rem’s practiced hand, Nakoa reaches for the cigarettes and lights up.

His voice echoes. “Think we can find a mattress?”

“One that isn’t covered in shit or blood?” Rem shrugs. “Guess we’ll find out.”

They do; kind of. They definitely find the mattress. An old, stained old thing from an old woman in the city, who’s upgrading for her and her husband. She takes one look at the van, one look at Nakoa and Rem, and pats Rem’s hand with a twinkle in her eye. “I expect you boys will get plenty of use out of it.”

She winks at Nakoa, and Nakoa offers her an uncertain smile. Rem looks like his head is going to blow off if she doesn’t let go of it.

The manhandle the mattress into the back of the van after Nakoa hands over the twenty. The mattress isn’t stained, isn’t old, but it’s floral and weak and smells of mothballs, and when Nakoa shuts the door to the passenger seat, it already reeks of old perfume in the van.

Rem sits next to him, quiet and pensive. Doesn’t start the van.

Nakoa waits, but ten minutes and he’s still sitting there. “What?”

“What’d she mean by that?”

By… what? “Who?”

“Getting use out of it. That’s not fucked up to you?”

For the— “Rem, she probably meant with girls.”

“…Right.”

“You’re really worried about what some random old woman has to say about shit?” Nakoa’s not exactly out and proud, but this isn’t under his skin. Rem picks at what’s left of the polish on his nails, his body tense and unforgiving. “Rem.”

“Never mind.”

He’s ashamed, then; that’s what that means. His mothers, he has mothers, and he still feels shame. Nakoa’s own family makes jokes at the expense of people like them, has told him that if one of their children was queer they’d set them straight, and Rem’s the one sitting here worried about what this old woman thinks of them.

But it’s not anger that courses through Nakoa’s veins, thinking that. Instead, confusion muddles his brain. He tries to think of something, anything, to make him feel better, but there’s nothing. Not words, anyway. Nakoa licks his lips, he’s about to suggest that they go to a park, or an abandoned parking garage or something and they can christen the new mattress, but Rem puts the van gear and drives off.

They hit up a department store for the sheets, and Nakoa spends twenty minutes glaring at on-sale camping gear trying to find sleeping bags that don’t look like shit while Rem searches for pillows, and Nakoa feels the weight of his remaining money in his pocket like a brick.

He’s not sure how much is left. Between the van, the motels, food, Nakoa’s sure it’s dwindling. Rem says nothing, just brings home dinner, whiskey, less and less every day.

 Nakoa buys the blankets. What else are they supposed to do—go back home?

They find a place on an empty road, far from the city, that night, coyotes howling in the distance, a small campfire built out of the back end of the van. Rem hangs his legs off the van, stares up at the sky. A bottle of whiskey sits between his legs. Bowie plays softly in the background.

Nakoa’s not sure of the last time he’d been this happy. In Utah, of all places, so far from home that Withervale feels like a separate fucking planet.

In the clear night, the glow of the crackling fire, Nakoa wonders if Rem would agree. If he seems happy, or if he is happy. Rem never fucking talks to him, tells him to fuck off if Nakoa gets too close. If he missteps. He’s a jackass.

Nakoa’s afraid of how much he likes him anyway. If, once they get to LA, if Rem will enjoy it. If he’ll enjoy it too much.

He reaches for the whiskey, pleased by the noise Rem makes as he goes for it. “Don’t get your hopes up.”

Rem’s laugh comes stark and surprising, echoes across the empty space, and Nakoa wants to kiss him until he feels that warmth through his entire body. “Probably the only thing I can get up right now.”

Snorting, Nakoa lifts the whiskey to his lips, savors the taste, the taste, and heat that pools in his stomach. “This is,” he says, but doesn’t know what he wants to say. Captivated by the stars, by the scenery. But Rem’s quiet, comforting presence beside him—

Nakoa wants to kiss him. Press him into the flowery, old mattress behind them and undress him, kiss down his chest and blow him, press into him until Nakoa’s name rests on his lips soft and tense. Until Rem clenches his teeth and his groan comes from his chest and.

Fuck. He wants, so much, to make Rem feel so good that he forgets what the world has done to him. 

“I’ve thought about living off the land before. Away from the city. Own a little farm or something.” An orchard. Some goats. Chickens, the modern dinosaurs they are, and Nakoa presses his finger against the ankylosaurus tattoo on his side. Thinks back to the artist that did it for him, briefly, and what he’s doing.

If he remembers Nakoa at all.

“Get the fuck away from people,” Rem says. He sounds tired, now, drunk. He hops from the van and kicks dirt over the fire. It’s dark enough that Nakoa can’t make out Rem’s features without direct light.

“Yeah.” But not Rem. “Dunno. Don’t wanna get kicked in the head, either.” Doesn’t want to give Rem up. He holds that deep inside his chest, though, locked away where he hopes Rem won’t find it, where Nakoa himself won’t be tempted to look.

When Rem says nothing, Nakoa crawls up the mattress, knees scraping the cool metal of the floor of the van. He tugs one of the sleeping bags over his body, presses his face into his pillow and sighs.

He’s not sure when Rem shuts the door and joins him, but Rem lies there, on his back, until Nakoa’s loopy with exhaustion and alcohol, and on the verge of sleep. Nakoa hears him say, “I—”

And then Nakoa passes out.

[yvvaine]

A Meta on Madness

Here’s the thing with Targaryen madness. Most weren’t just born raving mad.  They developed it. Some as early as childhood, others well into adulthood; sometimes even instigated by some event (like the Defiance of Duskendale which affected Aerys II Targaryen’s madness). Grand Maester Phycelle even commented how Aerys had been “a good man. such a charmer....” until he became obsessed with his dreams of “fire & blood”. 

It seems that that is the commonality. Fire & Blood. And also obsession. Most of the “madness” starts out as personality traits, like unchecked outbursts and impusliveness. Some form of violence (during said outbursts) develops shortly thereafter. Mixed in is usually a god-like self-image and some personal obsession / quest. Also paranoia. Delusions and hallucinations, for the most part, dont develop all that fast. Theyre “charming good men” with hot heads, and that slowly escelates, little by little until it begins to snowball. Again, some earlier than others. 

But obsession seems to be reaccuring throught all the circumstances. 

They fixate on something (Fire & Blood, religion, beliefs, etc) and take it too far, and the more they do, the more obsessed they become, the more the ‘madness’ seems to set in. 

King Baelor the Blessed was overzealously obsessed with religion and purity, to the point that he starved himself into an early grave because he believed that food is of this world, and the material world is sinful.

Prince Aerion Brightflame, son of King Maekar and nephew of the Prince Rhaegel. Aerion killed himself drinking wildfire, believing it would turn him into a dragon.

Visery’s ‘madness’ (mostly outbursts, paranoia, and cruelty), according to Daenerys at least, was linked/instigated to a somewhat traumatic event; the selling of their mother’s crown. My guess is that he was old enough to be traumatized by the events that sent them into exhile, put all his hopes and dreams into that crown, idolized it, and losing it was kind of the final push. 

Madness ≠ Certified Crazy Person

In fact I dont even really like the term madness, because it denotes that the Targaryen in question is 24/7 insane. And dont get me wrong, some def are. But in GRRM’s world their ‘madness’ is MUCH more subtle than that. Its pathology is almost like a disease. And people can live with the most terrible diseases for quite along while and work around it/not have it effect them. As a Certified Sick Person myself, I know that particular lesson more than quite a bit of people (thanks autoimmune system!) Id say. Look at diabetes! People can live with diabetes and not have to cut their foot off or die (like the olden days) with the right amount of lifestyle and personal choices. But untreated, without proper checks and balances, symptoms get worse, other manisfate on top of one another.  To say they have the “Targaryen madness” is not a black and white issue, because their “insanity” is not as simple as : “that persons obv crazy and that persons not!!” You cant equivicate mid-story/life Daenerys with late-in-life Aerys. Its a cultivation of symptoms over years. Theyre not at equal points in their life to one another; obv shes not blinded by “KILL THEM ALL” attitudes yet. 

Early-in Life Aerys (perhaps a better parallel to Daenerys’s timeline) was: 

“...while not being the most intelligent, nor the most diligent of princes [I wonder who that sounds like? Cough Mereen] he was described as having an undeniable charm. He was generous, handsome and resolute, although somewhat quick to anger. [SOUND LIKE ANYONE. A good heart? Beautiful? Determined and passionate? SOMEWHAT quick to anger?] He was also vain, proud, and changeable, traits that made him easy prey for lickspittles and flatterers.” 

The last part is more up for debate but Dany does think quite highly of herself and is VERY proud. Shes also reminded frequently of her amazing-ness, as well as her beauty, which would bloat anyones ego. And while she realizes the difference between blatant kiss asses (“People used to tell that kind of thing to my brother”) she also prefers those that agree with her or her line of thinking and suck up to her. Shes kinder to those that fall into step and bestows greater favor on them in that moment (even when the person in the room disagreeing is a “friend”). 

“As he grew older, Aerys became increasingly jealous, suspicious and cruel, prone to furious outbursts.”

I think a lot of readers and show viewers see this increasingly “bratty” quality to her character. Even when her anger (toward the slave masters for instance) is morally and technically VERY justified (Personally I hate this POV, as I’m someone whos decided to dedicate my lifeswork to human rights law, so decidely I am not for cruel racist individuals. Moreover, I dont think many people, if there is any at all, who believe in dark!(or just a generally darker)dany are racist and pro-slavery - which is something i see stans misguidedly clapback with often in the face of criticism) her “justice” becomes all she see’s to disastrous consequences, including crucifying those that shouldnt have been.

“My father spoke out against crucifying those children. He decried it as a criminal act but was overruled. Is it justice to answer one crime with another?” - Hizdahr zo Loraq, S04E06 “The Laws of Gods and Men” on Daenerys crucifying his father because of the status he was born into.

She also seems to be developing more and more paranoia. “Betray me and I’ll burn you alive.” (obv betrayal should be punished WHEN IT HAPPENS, but like, shes already imagining scenrarios and felt the need to say something, ie paranoid). The entire beach tantrum and her turning against her ally and HAND Tyrion because she was upset at their(shared) battle failures. And while its great that she doesnt want to be the Queen of Ashes, in her right mind, in moments of anger and fustration she constantly has to be talked down from burning cities. So increasingly more worrisome. 

Shes also increasingly fixated on ‘the iron throne’. As her obsession grows....

Sorta like: Aerys in his youth. 

So while duh, shes not batshit insane like her father was right before the end of his life, people forget, her father wasnt “bad” or “mad” till his later years either. Comparing the two (her father right before he was killed and Dany now) is like comparing a seed to a flower. Same material and DNA. Same circumstances / needs the same to grow (unchecked symptoms like their anger and obsessions). But ultimately different stages in their lives, and as such different consequences and attributes. 

GA (and Stans)‘s Short-sidedness

The “Mad Dany” theory mostly comes from people woh dont neccisarily see dany as stark raving mad like Aerys Burn Them All Targaryen (i know, shocking) but rather see this similarity (past face value cough cough), and see the parrallels between young Aerys the Charming Good But Slghty Tantrum-y Tararyen with Dany now, and made educated forecasts in what that means for future-Dany based on her current arch. The same Dany who is increasingly obsessed with conquering an entire ass continent that shes held up as a symbol and put all her hopes and dreams of ‘home’ into (kinda like the way Viserys did with their mothers crown)  (also a continent that she knows nothing and hasnt bothered to learn anything about). She has no plans on creating a democracy or dispersing power to try to mitigate her faults because shes completely fucking blind to them. She plans on sitting on that uncomfortable ass stupid metal throne and being uncompromising because shes not a Politician shes a QWEEN  #fuckcompromise #fuckdiplomacy #fuckpeace #bendtheknee #ammiright :))))) Meanwhile dancing on really thin ice that could any minute crack under her, and the more it cracks the faster it makes new ones until it snowballs quickly out of hand and suddenly it snaps and kills you. Only shes queen in this scenario with two resusable nukes at her disposal so in this case its not just her but the entire country that drowns.

 Politics is a long game. We - in the real world - choose a leader who is not just best for us in the now, but who will create a better future for our children, and their children, and so on. 

Dany is not a good, stable bet. I originally meant to do a short sassy one liner about this but then I got on a soapbox and started getting all philisophical and now this could literally be my senior thesis its that long. (My apologies!) Im also know where near finished with this so this could maybe be Part One? 

[waitinginthedarke]

The Hammock

Summary: Your adventures with Jay Park and a Hammock

‘Babe? Are you home?’ 

You’d been waiting for that voice all day. 

Ever since you’d woken up that morning to see that he wasn’t laid next to you in bed, having already got up, had a shower, and left for work, you’d been craving the sound of his scratchy, tenor pitch tone. When you’d rolled over to grab your phone from the dresser and checked it for messages, you’d found his usual morning greeting staring back at you; a selfie sent on snow, of him with puffed cheeks and widened eyes, today appearing to be a human peach, which was a great improvement on the day before when he’d scared you with a terrifying clown filter.

But after a day of hectic schedules and meetings that didn’t interest you in the slightest, yet demanded your presence, the sound of him kicking off his shoes and slipping into his monster foot slippers, humming as he drops his bag beside the entry way before making his way to raid the fridge, has you smiling happily as you’re pulled out of the reaches of sleep just as it was about to catch up to you.

‘I’m in the usual place.’ you call out tiredly, stretching your eyes wide to try and keep yourself awake as you feel yourself sinking into the cushion filled hammock Jay had set up in his snug a few months before. He’d used the excuse that you were ‘always falling asleep on him when he was trying to show you his music’ in order to construct the cozy, delightfully warm hanging, saying it was easier to just climb into it with you than to carry you back to bed after he’d finished his work. But more often than not, you’d found yourself making your way sleepily to the hammock in his snug instead of your own bedroom after a long day, enjoying how it felt like sleeping on clouds, and how, because he spent so much time there, the room smelt more like him than your actual bedroom, the scent comforting you as you’d fallen asleep.

‘Hammock?...again?’ 

His voice appearing in the doorway makes you realize you’d almost fallen asleep again, and you scrunch your eyes in playful irritation as you hear him chuckle at you, the sounds of crunching and chewing speeding up the time it takes for you to open your eyes as your stomach growls eagerly for food.

‘What are you eating?’ you mumble.

‘Yah! Where’s the ‘my handsome boyfriend, i’m so happy you’re finally home! How has your day been? I’ve missed you all day’-’

You raise an eyebrow at him mocking you, waiting for him to finish and smirking when you catch his eye, causing him to trail off with a sheepish smirk, before pushing himself off of the door frame and walking over to you.

‘Hey!’ you whine, when he suddenly drops himself into the hammock with you, making it swing wildly for a moment and causing you to squeal quietly in your surprise, until you fall into him in your quest to find out what chips he had, the two of you chuckling and laughing as you continue to wobble and shuffle, until you’d come to lie beside him, both at an awkward angle, but finally comfortable as he slips his arm around your shoulders.

‘Ahh man! You didn’t even pick up a good flavour.’ you whine when you catch sight of the chip packet label and you smell the bag, wrinkling your nose in distaste, but snatching a chip from the packet anyway and shoving it into your mouth before he could steal it back from you, giggling when you catch sight of the scowl he sends your way.

‘Hey! If you’re going to complain at my choice of food, you can always go and get your own! No-one’s stopping you!’ he argues, smirking smugly to himself, and because he’d teased you so much you’re quick to shove the packet into his face, laughing wickedly at his look of surprise, before scrambling to get out of the hammock when he turns his narrowed eyes on you.

You squeal and cry out playfully when he grabs your hips, batting at his hands as you try to get away, and finding yourself getting twisted in the fabric of the hammock when you think you’d made it to safety, dropping unceremoniously to the floor as your feet fail to make contact with a stable surface and groaning when your knees crash dully to the hard ground.

When you hear his proud chuckle the urge to smack him rises quickly within you. But its just as you go to voice your complaint that he’s suddenly rolling out of the hammock towards you, dropping down beside you on the floor, and turning his head to look at you with a smug smile, his lips pulling back from his gums as his black hair flops in tousled mess above him.

‘Jagi...im horny.’

Its the bold way in which he makes his statement that causes you to scoff, the sound getting cut off when not even a second later he’d moved quickly to hover over you, his thump of his knees either side of your hips, and his hands either side of your head surprising you a little, yet also causing adrenaline to flood your veins in the most pleasant way as you stare up into his eyes that were full of excitement.

‘I’m serious, Jagi...lets fool around...’

The smirk he flashes you before he presses his lips to yours was the first breaking point for you; Jay knowing the look always had you weak kneed for him. 

But its when he smooths his hands down your torso, his fingers stretching over your body languidly until his palms spread against your hips, and the heels of his hands slowly stroke toward your core, that you know you’re not going to be ending that night without him getting what he wanted...

Not that you minded in the slightest.

‘Not the floor though, its too uncomfortable,’ you murmur around the kiss, experiencing an inner turmoil as you grab at his shoulders to pull him closer, whilst also wanting to move somewhere else so that you could really enjoy him, his hot breaths huffing from his nose across your face making tingles riot between your legs.

‘Sure thing, babe.’ he whispers, suddenly wrapping your legs around his waist, and you immediately get the hint, locking your thighs tightly around him as he picks you up, struggling to keep you close enough to not break the kiss, but you make sure to knot your arms around his neck so that you could continue crashing your lips to his, feeling the craving for him that usually awoke when he suggested sex rise within you rapidly, and the ferocity in your actions instantly increases as your nails sink into the skin of his shoulders.

‘mmmfph, no...I need you now.’ he huffs as soon as he takes a step in the direction of the door and he cottons onto your need for him, his comment confusing you as you go to argue that the bed would be the best place, before he’s suddenly letting go of you, and you yelp as you drop down, expecting to hit the floor, but instead finding yourself dropping into the soft...comfortable confines...

...of the hammock.

‘We cant do it here.’ you argue immediately, making to try and get back up despite your semi-folded position in the hammock making it almost impossible, but you’re stopped anyway as soon as you look up to see him removing his tshirt, his bronze skin glowing back at you as soon as its uncovered and captivating you with its beauty.

‘Why not? You love the hammock...and its got to have more than one use right?’ he grins devilishly, leaning back over you, straddling the hammock as he reconnects your lips, and despite knowing it wasn’t going to turn out well, you find your argument being dragged away as his tongue sweeps it out of your mouth.

‘Fuck. Its real bad, baby. I need to fuck you...now.’ he pants, his hands already having roamed under your tshirt to find your breasts, and you breathe harshly as his mouth moves to your neck and he roles and tweaks your nipples between his fingers, grip tightening and pulling with the more needy he got for you, and you keen quietly into his mouth, the sound enticing him enough to have his hips rocking forcefully into yours despite the barrier of your clothes.

‘Damnit, why are we still dressed.’ he mutters, retracting his hands from you momentarily, which leaves you to whine in frustration, but after a second of him hopping off of the hammock to strip himself down, he almost instantly turns back to you and pulls you so that you were laid sideways, eyes flashing with mischief as his fingers immediately curl in the waist band of your lounge shorts. 

‘I need you so bad, Jay.’

They were the words that always got him moving faster, tempting the devil in him which couldn’t help but roar excitedly at the offering before him, and so in less time than should be imaginable, you’re stripped of your clothes, and are left butt-naked on the hammock in front of him, just as he leans over you once more.

‘Damn, im so lucky you’re mine. ...You’re so fucking hot...beautiful...delicious...’ he whispers raggedly between kisses that slowly trail from your mouth to one of your breasts, the feeling of his teeth teasing your nipple causing you to gasp, but its not until you feel his fingers suddenly drift through your moist folds that were aching readily for him, that you moan needily into the quiet of the room which before had only been disturbed by your heavy panting.

‘Fuck...thats my favourite sound.’ he growls against your breast, the feeling causing your whole body to tremble in want as your hands clasp desperately at his neck and shoulders, the words to beg him to go further on the tip of your tongue, but not managing to leave you as you get lost in the sensation of his mouth suckling almost harshly at your nipple, and his fingers sliding from the tantalizing patterns they’d been tracing around your clit, to sink into you knuckle deep.

‘Fuuuuck...’ you moan, the word getting cut off as the air gets caught in your throat at the unbelievably delicious feeling of being able to tighten around him, although even coupled with the way he moves his mouth from your breast to bite possessively at a patch of skin just below your jaw as he begins to curl the digits within you, you already knew you wanted...you needed...more of him.

‘Do you know how jealous the other guys got when they met you for the first time and saw how hot you were?’ he pants against your neck between kisses, beginning to thrust his digits in and out of you as you spread your thighs as wide as you could for him, the hammock beginning to swing the tiniest bit in time with his movements and causing his breath to skim over your skin as he leans up a little to look down at you as he goes on, eyes pitch black with lust.

‘They’re always going on about how hot they think you’d look during sex, but i only ever laugh at them, because they have no idea....’ he states, his free hand now groping your breast obscenely as you writhe at his touch, pulling his head down to you desperately so that you could crash your mouth against his, sloppily kissing him and biting his lip in the process, which ends up exciting him even more than he already was, and causing him to withdraw his fingers from you just as you felt the stirrings of your high ignite within you.

‘No-Jay-’ you go to protest, just before you open your eyes where you’d shut them in your deliriousness, to see him stroking himself as he looks down at you devilishly, eyes raking your body till his gaze comes to a stop on your core.

‘You’ve had your fun baby girl...now let me have mine.’ he growls, glancing up at you darkly, before positioning himself correctly, and using the hammock to slowly slide himself into you, the sigh of fullness you let out sounding obscene in your ears, but its quickly swallowed by his own as it echoes around the room.

‘Fuck. ...how do you always feel like fucking heaven?!’ he moans, curling over you momentarily, his hands resting on the wall above you as he appears to get lost in the feel of you wrapped tightly around him, and you cant help but clench yourself teasingly as you watch his face through your light-headed happiness, smirking when his eyes snap open to look down at you and see the way you were teasing him.

‘If you weren’t so damn adorable I’d fuck you into next week.’ he mutters, as his hips rock quickly in repayment for your teasing, dragging a moan of want from you at the friction it brought, before his own smirk has you pulling his head back down to you so that you could lock your mouths together, your legs wrapping around his waist, and your heels digging into his back encouraging him to begin moving...

...and thats when you realized the true worth of the hammock.

Each rock of his hips is followed by a gentle swing of the hanging, which allows him to easily speed up the pace, the rhythm being tricky to get right at first, but after a few moments of you whining when he pulls away from the kiss to get his stance right, and a few practice thrusts, you’re tumbling into another realm of ecstasy as your grip pulses on him, desperately trying to hold onto him whilst you float away on a cloud of lust.

‘Ooh fUck, babe...you gotta warn me before-’

Your loud moan of his name cuts off any complaint he was about to make as you clench around him, your walls spasming happily as you pant harshly with the orgasm that rushes over you, causing stars to crowd your vision, and air to struggle its way into your lungs, your nails sinking into his shoulders desperately seeking purchase to stop you from getting taken away on the tide of your high.

‘I could-n’t...I its-’ you try to explain the overwhelming high of your orgasm, tripping over the words as he continues to thrust aggressively into you, the hammock beginning to rock wildly with his movements, until you feel your first high rush into the next and you accidentally whine so harshly at the sensation that the sound slips into a scream as you feel his shoulders bunch under your touch and his hips snap purposefully against yours as he begins to spill into you, the hand that had moved to hold your thigh being painfully tight, but not being able to filter in through the sounds of groans of satisfaction and pants seeking air desperately to rake into your overwhelmed lungs. Your chest continues to heave with the effort of coming down from your high, and your vision is so blurred that you barely see the way he slides out of you, instinctively responding to the feel of his lips suddenly on yours as he leans down to connect your mouths in a lazy kiss, before suddenly the hammock is once again swinging wildly as he collapses down into it next to you.

You smile languidly as he throws a leg over yours, the feel of the moisture beginning to coat in between your thighs making you feel slightly grim, but you’re too tired to move right then, even though you knew he’d be pissed if you ended up staining the hammock- although technically, it was his fault anyway.

‘I’ve achieved the dream;....do a whole day of hard work, and then come home to have sex with a beautiful, hot-as-fuck girl that is yours...’ he mutters sleepily next to your ear, his words making you snicker as you tiredly shuffle slightly so that you could turn onto your side, allowing him to curl around you, and his arm snaking around your waist as he sighs happily and presses a kiss into your shoulder has the all too familiar butterflies that he conjured in you battering at your insides.

‘I love you, Babe.’ he murmurs quietly, fingers drawing small circles against your skin, and you cant help happily laying your arm over his and interlinking your fingers as you murmur those same three words back at him, both of your minds thinking the same thing as you finally slip into the clutches of sleep.

You couldn’t wait to use the Hammock again.

THE END

[ildivine]

between watching a lot of youtubers, losing a lot of sleep, and playing a lot of the off-peak games, i feel my creativity blossoming in the abstract way that i strive for.

i at least have come to understand how my creativity is dulled, and what i need to get it going again. its difficult, getting older, and becoming more jaded, and depression in the back of my mind is a noisy buzzing that can only be quelled with alcohol or weed. ive been learning how to deal without the prior, but, mm.

i dreamt about gavin and i think about a lot of people in ways that i don’t get to often talk about. its not like i talk to my therapist about this kind of thing. i havent mentioned the system to any since the last one i trusted treated it like DID, and thats fine for systems that need it, but we don’t work that way, and we never have.

alternatively i do think about myself ... and my past lives, often. i feel my limbs more often and it blends with the dysphoria; its strange to think i get so envious of just being spiritually Aware. ingesting mushrooms is the most helpful thing to me, and i know i mute my own sixth sense with doubt.

ive isolated myself from others quite a bit, as ive been mean again. im learning to appreciate the time i spend with dean and connor, even if it is every day. i miss connor every time i wake up without zem next to me, especially after weekends when i really get used to it.

our one year is coming up in july and ze thought aloud to me about marriage and we gently brushed over it. ze said something along the lines of “well, i wanted to wait for a better opportunity...” which, understandable.

one day ill be able to afford nice things like real rings and wedding ceremonies, but the last week of cleaning up my room, and throwing a lot of things out, made me realize what focusing on survival really means. i told myself that in 2021 i would focus on letting go, and its still hard. letting go of friends, and loved ones, and things, old stuff, its all the same, i have such an emotional attachment that it gets tangled in my head and my emotions. connors told me constantly to buy necessities and i brushed em off ... so im glad a friend helped us make up for it.

its embarrassing and its frustrating to rely on my money for things that others dont see as necessary. alcohol quells my twitching but i do have an addiction to it cuz i simply like to drink til i cant anymore, n im still learning that boundary. weed, i cant really explain what it does for me, cuz it is unusual. simple things like helping my appetite and sleep, two major things i struggle with a lot, as well as giving me inspiration to get up in the mornings, or do anything at all. right now it is medical in new mexico and i have a PTSD diagnosis, and when i smoke, it quiets the voices in my head screaming at me about wanting to die. i dont know how common this is, but its one of the things i struggle with financially. to survive. even with all of my antidepressants and anxiety medications, mental illness still lingers, and i think the more i delve into new media as well as reflect on past lives and old memories, my brain is in a very strange place. but ive come to appreciate that it is strange, i am strange, and i have mental illness, and i probably wont ever be able to silence it. i can take out my desire to cut my own skin open by watching dissection videos, and then im also learning and absorbing new information along the way.

when im not absolutely drunk on a tank of heavy alcohol, i can focus. i appreciate that i lost the years of 2018-2020 mostly due to how much i was drinking, on top of a medication that was already terrible for my memory. but the other day i went through my mood charts over those years, where i wrote down how i was, and although i drank daily and felt guilty about it, my mood was generally stable.

unfortunately its very expensive and unhealthy, and the inevitable withdrawals make me worse off than i started with. my therapist considers me drinking as playing with fire, but ive learned how to consume responsibly; dean and i can stop after a six pack and itll put us to sleep, but ill always want another beer, even in the back of my mind. That slight buzz from the mimosa that Connor drank and melted into was likely most of the reason ze could actually start dozing off, and we were half craving another for fun and relaxation, but i thought “i probably wont be able to sleep tonight without another drink”.

and i was right, and i acknowledge that its a problem. so ive tried to find that sensation from other things like hops tea and carbonated water (ew, its still not good, honestly dsjfsdj) or kombuchas, because it triggers the same response in my brain without.. melting my organs. did u kno ur liver is FUCKING HUGE n its also the only organ that can heal itself?? the cells reconstruct differently than scar tissue usually binds together n i just think thats Neat.meme

jokes aside, i think its also why my liver is Fine despite the fact ive drank since i was 13 years old, minus the year of rehab sobriety. That was also my Only year of sobriety. Digging into my alcoholism ive done a lot of questioning as to why i rely on it, and i think it is a lot to do with being addicted to being drunk, and i think its also a lot to do with ‘wow, i can finally turn my brain off! the thing thats yelling at me all the time, feeling scared and sad,” but drinking is also essentially a boost of stress hormones, so when the endorphins wear off, u get sad or anxious all over again. ive come to learn that i only withdrawal or get hangovers if i drink more than, i guess the recommended amount by doctors. 3 glasses of wine will now do me in, dean can power thru anything regardless of what hes drinking, but it does affect the health in ways i cant ignore.

i enjoy drugs, i think is the bottom line. i look up how to get a hold of psychedelic mushrooms cuz u can just get em in the mail if ur in a country where its decriminalized (hint: we’re not) n immediately the results are between getting help for addiction or how magic mushrooms help depression in low doses.

i really have a theme here. im still mad that my parents induced my reliance on all these substances and i know i would be a lot better off if i didnt drink til i was 21 or never smoked cigarettes, and i accept im always gonna crave these things regardless, but i only feel creative when i drink or smoke, and thats another problem with addicts because u fry ur neurons hard enough it all dies down. ive appreciated watching videos and playing games when i am in the comatose, apathetic stage of depression like i have been in recently, where i cant force myself to do anything and even fronting someone else to do it takes energy that quickly dies down.

my energy has died quickly since i went vegan, as my nails have chipped since, so im experimenting with my diet. my taste pallet cant handle dairy anymore, and connor was only here to try it, and i think we all discovered we just... dont wanna do that. but eating fish again helped my energy and brought a glow back to my skin. too much, however, still gives me the greasy meat sweats, so... a lil bit of everything seems to be whats right.

i still crash a lot, but i think thats just a side effect of being 28 in this generation and feeling 68 instead.

anyway, now that my room is FINALLY clean and looking nice, i want to try to do art again. i miss art. i miss thinking in images, i miss my imagination, i miss roleplaying and writing and drawing and arting. conny wanted to paint too but was absolutely too tired on sunday lol n i respect that so maybe tonight we can get something together.

but its been nice to feel something in my brain stirring again that isnt just the gross black buzz of mental illness constantly telling me to die. i get used to it, i guess. i forget its not supposed to happen because i have survived it for so long. im on the max dose of antidepressants and medicine i can take and i still feel really bad sometimes, but i didnt realize it until other people brought it up. stress definitely kicks me into my big bipolar mood swings, but i havent shaken off the depression in months. im not sure what to do so im trying to expand my horizons.