#i cant hide in their arms more than i can hide inside myself

[lumioluna]

sometimes i really get caught into thinking "oh if i had a partner life wouldn't be this hard, i would have someone to count on, someone to share my burdens with" and as much as this is partially true when you have a serious committed relationship, i also think i need to remember (more like engrave in my brain) that no matter how loving of a partner i can be lucky enough to find, if i don't stop running away from my own life, i'll never start living it. like, letting myself be consumed by the thought of love and a relationship is sometimes really a desperate attempt to find a way out of difficult things that feels "safe" enough to look innocent: of course a loving partner would want to protect you, that's not a bad thing. but a partner must not be a refuge from life, that would be of no good, no help. that would be detrimental to both my own life and my partner's. a supportive partner would be one to propel me towards life, to help me come out of the impenetrable protective shell i built around myself, to be able to work through my fears with the idea that I'm not alone and especially not helpless. a healthy and supportive partner would be empathetic and tender with me but would help me stand on my own two feet, would see the obstinate resilience and strength in me especially when I can only see fragility and defencelessness.

I feel like sometimes I want someone big and protective to shield me from everything sharp and harsh and difficult, but instead I need someone who will take my hand and say "hey, things will be alright, let's just move towards life together, one little step at a time"

[wh0re43van]

Boyfriend (Warren Lipka X Reader)

Summary: you reunite with an old friend while making a delivery for your shitty boyfriend

Word count: 4.1k

Warnings: smut, throat fucking, weed, cheating, not proof read

A/n: I have no idea how much weed costed in 2003 bc I was two years old. Also, I apologize if your name is Chelsea bc you will be slandered in this fic. Thank you for reading! <3

Pt 2 , Pt 3

I slam my boyfriends shitty car door, stepping out into the cold November rain, running towards the brick house, an 8th of weed shoved in my bra. I can’t believe my idiot boyfriend is too lazy to get out of his car to make his delivery. I’ve never even met this customer and his dumbass is having me waltz right up this random man’s house, while he’s parked a block away.

I pound on the wooden door before stepping back a bit. I shift back and forth on my feet as I rub my hands up and down on my arms trying to warm myself with the friction. After a couple of minutes, the door swings open, a man with unkempt brown hair and tired eyes steps out, looking a bit surprised. Those eyes. I know them. I cant put my finger on it, but I know him from somewhere.

“Uhm can I help you? Are you alright?” he asks, stepping out onto the porch closing the door behind him, looking me up and down, maybe trying to figure out why some strange girl is stood sopping wet on his doorstep, or maybe he recognizes me as well.

“Of course that dumbass didn’t tell you,” I sigh. “I’m delivering for Dakota,” I explain, pulling the plastic baggie out of my bra.

“Ah, okay,” he opens the door again, ignoring my hand offering the weed. “Why don’t you come in, get out of the cold?” he offers, holding the door open for me. I consider his offer; He seems kind, and he doesn’t appear to have the money on him anyway. I might as well wait inside while he retrieves it before I catch my death out here.

“Thank you,” I smile, stepping into the warm living room, part of me hoping that Dakota can see me going into the random man’s house. He leads me down to the basement, explaining that this is his bedroom.

“Make yourself at home,” he smiles, showing two familiar dimples on either cheek as he gestures to his couch. I smile back, happily taking a seat. He walks into the bathroom, coming back with a towel in his hand.

“Did you go to Tates Creek Highschool by chance?” he asks, offering me the grey bath towel.

“I did,” I smile. “Only for freshman year though, my family moved the next county over after that,” I explain. That must be where I know him from.

“Y/n, I thought that was you,” he smiles taking a seat next to me.

“Yeah,” I smile back. “You look familiar, but I’m sorry I can’t remember your name,” I blush, a bit embarrassed that I don’t remember him.

“Ouch,” He chuckles. “I thought getting detention together for stealing the teachers’ cigarettes would have been a bit more memorable,” he says, leaning back on the couch. Then it dawns on me.

“Warren?” I ask, shocked. “Little Warren Lipka?” I turn on the couch to face him, getting a better look- the best look I can get in the dim yellow lighting. I don’t believe it! He laughs at my reaction.

“I guess if you remember me as little Warren, I can see why you didn’t recognize me,” he says, reaching for his grinder and papers laying on the coffee table. “You got that 8th, beautiful?” he asks casually. I blush at the comment, pulling the weed out of my bra once again. I hand him the warm baggie.

“That’ll be 7 bucks, sir,” I grin. All the memories come flooding back to me when our hands touch as we exchange the substance for the cash. All the classes we skipped together, all the many hours in detention we spent alongside each other, the cigarettes that we would smoke under the bleachers. He was shorter than me then, he always had his hair buzzed and wore oversized clothes to hide his small frame. I guess he was a late bloomer, because the only remnants of that little boy are the deep brown eyes and dimples displayed like artwork on the handsome grown man in front of me.

“You look really good,” he breaks me out of my thoughts, sparking the joint he’s just rolled.

“Thank you,” I smile. He passes me the paper. I take a hit. “You look good yourself,” I exhale through my nose, handing the joint back to warren.

“So you’re a friend of Dakotas?” He asks, after sucking in a breath of smoke as he stretches his arm over the back of the couch and behind my shoulders.

“His girlfriend, actually,” My response catches him off guard, making him choke on the smoke.

“Holy shit,” he laughs in between coughs. “How the hell did that goon bag you?” he asks, flabbergasted. I can’t help but giggle, taking another drag off the joint.

“Sometimes I wonder the same thing,” I answer honestly. Dakota isn’t exactly the best boyfriend in the world. We’ve been dating almost two years and I’ve caught him with other girls multiple times. He doesn’t respect my boundaries or my aspirations, yet somehow, he always convinces me to stay. I guess when you’re as attractive as he is and as insecure as I am, it isn’t hard for him to convince me that he’s the best I’ll ever have.

“So what’s wrong with Dakota? Why couldn’t he make the delivery himself?” Warren asks, looking down at the joint between his lips as it glows crimson. “Not that I’m complaining,” he clarifies.

“He said he was tired and didn’t want to get his shoes wet,” I laugh, feeling the THC start to take effect. “Can you believe that?” I ask, laying a hand on warrens thigh in my fit of giggles. “He’s just sitting in his shit box a block away,” I say, feeling my eyelids begin to get heavy. Warren raises his eyebrows, looking at me with glossy eyes.

“Wow,” he scoffs. “I actually don’t believe that. I couldn’t imagine having your girl make deliveries for you. Thats some serious pussy shit,” he rolls his eyes, holding the joint up to my mouth. I take a hit from the hot paper between his fingers. I look down at the spliff, then back at him to find his eyes already fixed on me. “If I was your boyfriend, I wouldn’t let you make deliveries for me,” he says in a much quieter tone, the moment is almost intimate as I blow the smoke into his face that’s closer to mine than I realized, but I can’t bring myself to back away. “And I sure as hell wouldn’t want you smoking with me,” he adds, bringing the joint to his lips to take the final hit.

“Why’s that?” I ask in a whisper with butterflies in my stomach, breathing in the smoke that’s slowly rolling off his lips.

“Because it gives me the opportunity to do something I’ve wanted to do since freshman year,” he matches my tone, glancing at my lips, bringing his finger and thumb around my chin, tilting my head up towards him. My heart begins to race at his proximity, I know I should pull away from him, but I can’t. I don’t want to. Just as his lips barely brush against mine, my Nokia rings out, sounding like an alarm, making me jump in surprise, scrabbling to find the small cellphone on the couch.

“Hey babe,” Warren answers the phone, winking at me. My stomach drops. Fuck. I reach for the phone, but warren stands up. “Nah man she’s good she’s right here. I just gave her the mon- hey. Hey!” I hear warren begin to shout. I cease my struggle to grab the phone. “Is there a fucking problem man?” Warren seethes into the phone. I hear my boyfriend’s muffled speech. “Yeah, I didn’t fuckin think so,” he hangs up the phone, handing the small plastic brick to me.

“You look pretty stoned,” he says picking up a coat off the couch, wrapping it around my shoulders. “Let me walk you out. You remember where his car is?” he asks, putting his hand on the small of my back, ushering me to the steps. I nod my head yes, staring at him with wide eyes trying to process what just happened.

“Lead the way then, beautiful,” he grins, and just like that, the butterflies are back. I don’t dare respond, not knowing what will come out of my mouth.

The walk to Dakota’s car is silent but comfortable, still pretty baked, I feel the rain coming down in sheets. vibrating calmly in my bones. I stare up at the orange glow of the streetlights in the night sky in awe. Everything looks so beautiful when you’re high.

“Here he is,” Warren says approaching the small rust bucket of a car that my boyfriend drives. He opens the passenger door for me. After I’m seated, he leans in to look at Dakota. “Don’t have your girl make trips for you anymore, man. What the fuck is wrong with you?” he says calmly but it comes across like a threat, before tossing a couple folded bills at Dakota and closing the door. I’m glad he remembered the money. Dakota would have killed me if I had left it down there.

 My boyfriend is quiet. Much more quiet than he normally is when someone threatens his masculinity. If I didn’t know better, I’d think he’s scarred of Warren.

As Dakota pulls off, his Insane Clown Posse CD playing quietly, I look out the side mirror to see warren standing with his hands in his pockets, getting soaked in the rain in nothing other than his t-shirt and jeans, watching me ride away. As Dakota begins to bitch and complain my ear, all I can think about is when ill see Warren again, then I remember; I have his coat. It would be rude of me to keep it. I’ll just have to return it to him.

•

•

It’s been a week since my interaction with Warren, and I can’t stop thinking about him.

‘Is it so wrong that I want to catch up with an old friend?’ I ask myself. Of course, there’s nothing wrong with visiting a friend, the issue lies in the fact that the thoughts I’m having of him aren’t exactly platonic.

‘I’ll just drop his coat off, thanking him for the kind gesture and be on my way.’ I tell myself as I climb into my car. ‘Okay, maybe I could make some small talk with him, that’s innocent enough. Yeah, ill ask him about his job, if he’s going to school now, stuff like that’ I manage to convince myself that this will be a short, polite visit with an old friend, but a part of me must know the truth because I tell Dakota that I’m going out with my mother for lunch.

I park my vehicle on a side street near the Lipka house, just in case Dakota drives down here for whatever reason. I grab Warrens coat and walk up to the porch.

‘Maybe he’s not home and I’ll just hand it to his parents,’ I think as I knock on the door. The thought disappoints me, but maybe it’s for the b-

“Y/n!” Warren exclaims as the door swings open. “What a pleasant surprise,” he crunches on a Cheeto, crinkling the bag as he folds it shut.

“Hey Warren,” I smile at the man standing in front of me while he licks the Cheeto dust off his fingers.

“Come in, its freezing,” he steps aside so I can enter. I frown a bit.

“Well, actually I’m just here to return your coat,” I hold out the slick material.

“How kind,” he flashes his dimples. “Are you in a rush?” He asks as he retrieves his jacket.

“Well, no…” I trail off, trying to think of an excuse, but its hard to excuse yourself from something you want more than anything else.

“Then come inside real quick, darling, just to warm up,” he winks at me and I cant help but giggle. I surrender, stepping into his warm home once again,and following him down to his room.

I sit down on his couch as Invader Zim plays on his box tv.

“This may be a bold assumption,” Warren starts as he sits down on the cushion next to me. “But I think you may have come back for something more than the raincoat,” he suggests, looking into my eyes.

“Warren-“ I begin, but I don’t know what to say. He’s right. I want to desperately finish what we almost started last week. Just the faint brushing of his lips against mine has made me feel something I’ve never experienced before. I need to feel him-

“Free weed, right?” He grins picking up the rolling tray.

Oh.

 I can’t help but blush. I thought for a moment that Warren had already forgotten about our last encounter, but the wink he sends my way suggests that he meant exactly what I thought he meant.

“It’s not often that I don’t have to match,” I admit, pulling my legs up to my chest.

“You mean with friends, right?” Warren asks before he licks the thin rolling paper, holding my gaze as his tongue slowly slides across the wrap.

“Uh,” my breath hitches in my throat. Damn he looks so good. I’ve never wanted to be a rolling paper so bad in my life. “No, I mean in general. Dakota says he’s, uhm, running a business. So I have to pay or match what I smoke every time we, uh, spark. Or else I’m stealing from him,” I mutter out. Warren smirks at the pink raising in my cheeks once again. He knows exactly what he’s doing. Thank God he can’t see the pool forming in my underwear.

“No offense y/n,” he sparks the joint, inhaling a hit of hot smoke. “But Dakotas pathetic,” he breaths out.

“None taken,” I laugh as I take the paper from his hand.

“I mean for more than just the way he treats you,” he explains as I pass the joint back to him. “I’ve known him for a while. We met through a mutual friend, a few years ago. Started smoking together, then started dealing together and breaking into the chain stores around here, ya know, the ones that just throw shit away while people are starving,” he begins to explain as he sinks into the couch, leaning his head back, blowing a cloud of smoke towards the drop ceiling tiles of his bedroom. I stare at him, taking another hit, hanging on to his every word. I could listen to his voice all day. “Soon he started shorting people on weed, over charging behind my back, he was jealous of how well I was doing, always trying to one up me, bragging about how he’s making more money than me, not caring how he achieved it. Then one night, he decided he was going to try and break into a store by himself, of course he chose the corner store down the street, the one owned by the little old lady,” he chuckles. “I beat the shit out of him as soon as I found out,” he takes a hit. “Pussy didn’t throw a single punch back. Just curled up on the ground. Worst part is; he didn’t even get anything. She chased him off with a broom,” he runs a hand through his long brown hair, finally looking at me as he hands me the spliff.

“Wow, I guess that’s why he seemed so scared the other day,” I giggle. I should feel bad, this guy just told me he beat my boyfriend up, but I almost want to thank him.

“That’s also why I get a discount,” he grins as smoke rolls out of his nostrils. “But for once,” he leans in closer to me. “I’m jealous of him,” I can feel his breath on my face. “Seeing you ride off in that car with him last week was painful to watch. You should have been right here with me,” he pushes a loose strand of hair out of my face, and I melt into his touch.

“Well,” I take in a shaky breath, unable to resist those coffee-colored eyes. “I’m here now, Warren.” And with that, the world ceases to spin as he crashes his lips into mine. I’m suddenly aware of my quick heartbeat, every ounce of blood flowing throw my veins, the electricity that shoots from Warrens hands into my body. The smell of smoke on his breath and the slightly stale air in the basement invades my senses. The kiss is desperate and hungry; something I haven’t felt in years. I moan into his mouth as he pulls me into his lap to straddle him.

“This is wrong, Warren,” I pull away reluctantly.

“No beautiful, it was wrong when he called me asking for Chelsea’s contact last month,” he pants. The mention of that whores name makes my blood boil. She’s his most recent side piece. “Had I known he was with you, I would have beat his ass again instead of sending it,” he says honestly, as his hand runs gently up my hip. My mind is made up in an instant. I take the joint out of his hand, inhaling one last hit before I set it in the ash tray. I slide down to the floor on my knees in between his legs before I take my sweater off, tossing it to the side.

“You’re right,” I grin as I reach for his buckle. The pop of the metal releasing ringing through my ears as I shimmy the jeans off his body. I look up at Warren through my lashes, his eyes wide staring down at me with his bottom lip tucked between his teeth. The sight makes my core tingle.

“May I?” I ask palming him through his plaid boxers, feeling his dick stiffen under my touch.

“I insist,” he grins, helping me slide the boxers off. My eyes widen at his length in front of me. He’s perfect. I take him into my hand, holding his gaze as I let spit drip from my kiss bruised lips onto his tip, allowing me to stroke him easier. He curses under his breath as I move my hand up and down his now rock hard dick. I smile to myself before wrapping my mouth around his tip, slowly moving down his length until he hits the back of my throat, then I hollow out my cheeks, as I begin to bob up and down. Warren lifts his head to take in the sight below him. He rests a gentle hand on the back of my head.

“Fuck, you look so pretty with my cock in your mouth,” he groans, instinctively moving his hips in rhythm with my head. I hum in response as I bring my other hand underneath his length to massage his balls, earning a low moan from him.

Soon he takes over, holding my head as he thrusts into my mouth. I push him in as far as possible, gagging on his length. He stands up so he can properly fuck my throat. This isn’t something that I normally do, I never allow Dakota to use me like this. But right now, I think I would let warren do absolutely anything he desires, and I would enjoy every second of it. This is the first time I’ve ever been so turned on from pleasing someone else. My underwear is soaked my arousal and he’s barely touched me. The praise and moans coming from Warren is enough to get me off. The way his eyes peer into mine as he violates my throat, bringing a gentle thumb up to wipe the tears that creep out of my eyes makes my heart flutter.

“Come here baby,” Warren pulls out of my mouth, I gasp for air as he picks my up to carry me to his bed. He pulls his shirt over his head and asks permission to pull my pants off. I nod quickly, earning a chuckle from him. “You did so good for me,” he lays a kiss on my forehead, using his shirt to wipe the tears and spit from my face, I smile at the sweet gesture. He pulls me into a kiss after climbing on top of me, both of us now completely naked. Warrens hand wonders down to my heat, dipping a finger into my entrance, I whimper at the contact. “You really got off to me fucking your throat, huh?” He smiles against my lips, feeling how wet I am for him.

“Please just fuck me Warren,” I beg. He smirks as he lines himself up with me.

“You ready, beautiful?” He asks. I nod, impatiently scooting closer to him, begging for contact. He chuckles as he slowly pushes into me. Being stretched out has never felt so good. There’s almost no pain as I easily take him, a loud moan escapes my lips

“Shh,” he smirks as he continues to push into me, stifling his own moans. “My folks are upstairs baby, not so loud,” he explains.

“I’m sorry,” I giggle. “You just feel so fucking go-“ I cut myself off with another loud moan as he begins rocking his hips at a steady pace. I clamp my hands over my mouth to muffle my moans. Warren looks down at me as he he pounds into me, a hand reaching down to hold my breast’s that are moving in rhythm with his hips.

“God, you’re so stunning,” he praises as he uses his other hand to push his curls out of his face. The sight of Warren on top of me is something that I never want to forget. If this is the last time he has his way with me, I want to remember this moment for the rest of my life. His hungry eyes that take the time to admire every inch of my body. The way his hair bounces as his cock pounds deeper inside me than anyone has ever been.

Suddenly, he pulls away, leaving me feeling empty as he lays down beside me.

“Come here darling,” he rests his back on the head board as he pulls me on top of him. “I want you to ride me. Can you do that for me baby,” he asks as he lays sloppy kisses on my neck. I giggle in response as I straddle him, happily allowing him to fill me once again. I let out a moan of relief as that void in my stomach is satisfied.

“Fuck,” Warren grunts. “You take me so well, beautiful,” he whispers as I bounce up and down on his cock. I lean forward to kiss him, muffling the moans coming from both of us. I move my hips in unison with his as his hand grips onto my ass spreading me open so he can pound as deep in me as possible. Im positive he’s leaving fingernail makes in the soft skin, but I don’t dare stop him. Warren reaches a finger down to rub circles on my clit, giving me just what I need to approach my release.

“Fuck,” I moan into our desperate, wet kiss. “Just like that Warren please,” I beg. Feeling my body heat up and my swollen cunt begin to throb. As Warren thrusts exactly where I need him, I come undone around him as I erupt in a fit of moans and praises. The euphoria quickly filling my body as my release drips onto Warrens twitching dick. He quickly throws me off of him, cum shooting up onto my chest and on to his stomach. I swiftly dip my head down, bringing him into my mouth to milk every last drop out of him.

“Fuck y/n!” He moans in surprise. Now it’s his turn to cover his mouth as he rides out his orgasm. I pull away to lay next to Warren, our chests heaving in unison.

“Holly shit,” he laughs after few minutes of comfortable silence. “That was…you were…wow,” he turns his head to smile at me, already looking at him.

“I can say the same to you,” I giggle, running my hand over his chest. He brings me in for one last kiss, this one gentle and kind.

“You can use my shower if you’d like, I’ve made quite the mess of you,” he smirks.

“Thank you,” I smile standing up. “Uhm, we’re definitely not going to tell Dakota about this, right?” I ask, suddenly feeling… not guilty… but nervous and almost excited in a strange way.

“My lips are sealed, beautiful,” he winks, taking my hand to guide me to his bathroom.

[darlingdaisyfarm]

fidds and reader newly wed headcanons?? maybe how the dynamic changes after being married, OwO im feral over that man I cant help myself (im so sorry emma-may 😔)

♡˚· fiddleford x reader newlyweds headcanons ·˚♡

a/n: a little bit nervous because ive never written him before, but he's such a sweetheart! i got some reqs for him, so expect more Fiddleford fics <3 (especially that ford x reader x fidds one ohh)

୨ৎ the first morning after the wedding you both wake up and realise you’re actually married now. it hits differently. you’re just lying tangled in sheets and he looks over at you all goofy-eyed, he’s not entirely sure how to start the day now that you’re his forever. so, naturally, he presses a kiss to your forehead and says something ridiculous like, “well, darlin’, guess we don’t gotta pretend anymore. you’re mine now.”

୨ৎ honestly, he thrives on the idea of being your husband. his heart beats faster whenever you call him “my husband,” and you’ll catch him grinning like a fool, no matter how much he tries to hide it

୨ৎ when he’s proud of you ohhh, boy he’ll tell everyone. “did I mention my partner just finished this big project? oh, you gotta see it, they’re a genius! ABSOLUTE genius! smarter than me, even!”

୨ৎ he's still awkward, so awkward. before, he had his own world of gadgets and mysteries, but now, you are the new mystery. his brain goes into overdrive at the simplest things, for example when you call him “honey” or leave him little notes around the house, doesn't matter how silly, it melts him. you might find him randomly fixing stuff around the house, but he's also sneaking glances at you, totally lost in his new reality of "oh, wow, this is MY person now." honestly, he gets all shy around you, still a little clumsy, but he loves you so much. when he tries to give you something he made, his hands shake a bit

୨ৎ he’s touchier after marriage. he was always affectionate, but now he does it ALWAYS. he’ll wrap his arms around your waist while you’re cooking, press his nose into your hair when you’re reading, fall asleep holding your hand. he’s yours now, and he wants to remind you of that every single second

୨ৎ after the wedding, Fidds is lowkey obsessed with documenting every little thing about married life (because he still can't believe he married such beautiful person like you). if you both take a walk through the woods, he’ll bring out his old camera, snap a photo, and get all sentimental about it. "i reckon this here’s the first time we’ve taken a walk together as a married couple. gotta remember this moment.” expect a scrapbook of your married life by next week

୨ৎ your wedding bands become a point of obsession for him. he’s constantly fiddling with his ring, twisting it around his finger and grinning every time he catches a glimpse of yours. “still can’t believe it,” he’ll say, holding your hand and running his thumb over the metal. “we’re really married. that's. . . wow.”

୨ৎ when you gently wipe grease off his cheek after he’s been tinkering for hours, he just stops, blinks at you. he’s trying not to cry. he fails

୨ৎ if you'll kiss him first (usually it happens when hes rambling about some invention), so you just kiss him mid-sentence, he freezes for a second, hovering his hands in the air, not knowing what to do, before melting into it, kissing you back with this little laugh. he loves the fact that you’re so open with your affection, he’s a big softie in disguise.

୨ৎ speaking of coffee, he steals sips of yours all the time, because “yours just tastes better, somehow”

୨ৎ your own inside jokes have blossomed since you married. Fidds can make a random reference about something that happened years ago and you’ll both burst into laughter

୨ৎ when you’re doing something productive, like working on a project or focusing on a task, Fidds likes to be near you. he can be just tinkering with his own creations, but he’ll make sure to peek at your work every now and then, and give you the most proud smile. “look at you, my little genius,” he’ll say, completely unaware that his compliments are giving you butterflies

୨ৎ shopping trips together!! he’s just so excited by the smallest things. he’ll find a weird gadget and be like, “hoo boy, look at this! can we get it? what if we used this for the house? or better yet, for our projects??” and just like that you’re leaving with random junk, this guy is obsessed with collecting anything that could possibly make your life together more fun

୨ৎ married life and science is a whole thing now. Fidds will tell you about new experiments, and instead of just nodding along, you end up helping out, usually in the form of holding things while he gets super excited. you’re his sounding board for crazy ideas. he looks at you as if you’ve just solved the world’s biggest mystery when you suggest something small, “hey Fidds what if we tried using duct tape for that?” you’re the reason his inventions have a chance at working

୨ৎ Fidds is an inventor, but he’s also a man who shows love in action. if you’re tired from work or a long day, he’s the one finding the blanket, making sure your feet are propped up and bringing you whatever snacks he can find in the fridge

୨ৎ one day, after a particularly frustrating project Fidds will come to you looking all defeated and will sit down on the couch, burying his face in his hands. and in that moment, you just get it. you sit beside him, silently handing him a cup of tea (you know he needs it) and just let him have a moment. sometimes that’s the thing he needs most. hes such a sad puppy though

୨ৎ also, spontaneous bursts of affection have become a thing. ehehehe he’ll walk in the door, glance at you, and before you know it, he’s spun you around for a hug like you’ve been apart for years. it’s never just “hey,” it’s always “there you are!!” you’ll be sitting on the couch watching TV, and suddenly he’ll kiss your temple without warning and murmur, “couldn’t imagine life without you, baby.” and then he goes back to his tools like it was nothing

୨ৎ arguments are rare, but when they do happen, he always apologizes first and his sincerity makes it impossible to stay mad at him for long

୨ৎ suddenly, every little thing becomes a team project. you’re cleaning up the attic, and Fidds already running to you, “hold on, hold on, we can make this a fun thing!”

୨ৎ dates with him be like: stargazing on the roof, a picnic under the tree in the yard or walking around the weirdest, most obscure spots in town just because they’re “interesting” (and because it’s funny to him). but more than all its because you’re his favorite person to explore the world with, no matter how strange

୨ৎ late-night talks about dreams and what the future holds when you both lay there, staring at the ceiling, he’ll start talking about the life you’re going to build.

“i wanna grow old with you, sugar. like, I don’t even care where we live, as long as I get to wake up next to you every day.”

୨ৎ you show him love too, of course. when you catch him fiddling with some new idea, you’ll pull him away for a break and give him the softest kiss on the cheek, telling him how amazing he is. “you’re brilliant, you know that?” and his whole face lights up because you’ve given him the biggest compliment ever

୨ৎ when you both get out of the shower, dripping wet, he’ll always catch you in a hug, pressing you against him. he’ll nuzzle into your damp hair and kiss your temple, feeling the droplets between you both. ahh this man is so tender

୨ৎ romantic dinners at home are perfect. its not some fancy restaurant, you prefer to eat home-cooked meal that Fiddleford probably messed up, but it still tastes amazing because he made it with you in mind

୨ৎ after a long day of work, Fidds doesn’t just greet you at the door with a kiss, no, he prefers to pick you up, wrapping his arms around your waist and lifting you off the ground for a second as he spins you around in a dizzying, loving hug

୨ৎ sometimes he’ll just stare at you while you’re doing the most mundane thing, washing dishes, tying your shoe, whatever and then blurt out something like, “y'know, marryin’ you was the smartest thing I ever did.”

୨ৎ he’s the kind of guy who’ll pull you into a sudden, twirling hug just because he missed you while you were in the other room

୨ৎ Fiddleford is the most affectionate husband ever. this man’s idea of waking you up is to just cling to you, half asleep, rubbing his face into your hair. if you're a heavy sleeper, he’ll just nuzzle you with an adorable grunt and whisper, “i love you,”. he’s a bit of a morning cuddler, okay, maybe A LOT of a cuddler. you can't get away without some snuggles, not with this man.

୨ৎ he still blushes like it's the first time when you compliment him. especially loves when you say stuff as “you’re so smart, Fidds,” and he’ll literally hide his face in his hands. ("aw, shucks, don’t go makin’ me all red now…")

“cmon, darlin’. . . just five more minutes” as he clings to you like a koala. when he eventually gets up, he grumbles, almost falls out of bed, but always kisses you first trying to prolong the moment

୨ৎ cooking together, absolutely. Fiddford’s idea of cooking is throwing random ingredients into a pot and seeing what happens. loves experiments!! he gets real excited when he’s got you by his side, though.

୨ৎ there's probably some moments where he's way too deep in his work and forgets to take care of himself, but you’re there to remind him to drink water and maybe throw in some playful teasing (sometimes gets embarrassed about it, but also secretly so happy)

୨ৎ he loves going on random road trips with you! he's packing up in the car and driving nowhere in particular. he usually turns on the radio, and it’s either some classic country or him singing at the top of his lungs to songs. he’s terrible at directions, so you end up lost, but it’s okay, because you end up having the best spontaneous adventures!

୨ৎ tries to teach you how to fix one of his machines, but you keep getting distracted by how cute he looks explaining everything. eventually, he catches on and starts teasing you about it

୨ৎ will always try to make you laugh, even if his humor is as chaotic as his brain, “why don’t skeletons fight each other? they don’t have the guts!”

[thehypnone]

rain and zephyr comfort. I wrote it for my bf but im posting it for any disabled/chronically ill person who needs to hear this

zephyr startles when the door to their room bursts open. they're ready to scold whoever is that has zero regards to their privacy, but their features soften immediately upon seing rain

rain with his cheeks splotchy from crying, chocking on tears

"what's wrong, puddle?"

"everything" rain sobs

"c'mere" the air ghoul shuffles over in their bed and lifts the covers to invite rain. they also move over one side of their pregnancy pillow so that the water ghoul can get inside it

rain sniffles, kicks the door shut and crawls into zephyr's nest

"now, why are we so upset?" they ask

"I just--I tried to make myself fucking dinner and--and I couldn't"

"what happened with dinner?"

"i couldn't open a jar and then--then i dropped so many things because my--my hands are weak and i couldn't open a can either and--and then i fucking passed out so it boiled over and made a mess everywhere. im useless!"

"you are not useless, and you know that, puddle. you're just disabled"

"i don't want to be disabled!" rain wails, hiding his face in his hands. zephyr rubs his back

"i know, sweet thing" they sigh "nobody wants to be disabled, but we are. all we can do is find things that we *are* able to do and find joy in them. there's nothing wrong with the fact that you cant open a jar or a can. they're tricky for able bodied people, too!"

"im so tired, zeph"

"i am, too, puddle"

"sorry, i shouldn't have you--you've got it worse..."

"it's not a competition. i may have more issues than you, but at the end of the day we are both drowning. and i only meant it as--that I understand. probably the most out of all the people you've ever met"

"i know...i just--we didn't do anything to deserve a life like that"

"we didn't. i like to think about my life as...as lucifer sending me other things to make it bearable despite everything"

"like what?"

"music. the opportunity to see the world with the band. my pack, my mate. you. it's all worth so much more than all the suffering and until i have at least one of these thing left, i won't give up. depression and grief is a part of being disabled, but it doesnt mean we dont deserve happiness, too."

"i know...it's just--so hard to accept"

"i know it is, puddle" zephyr brings an arm around rain and pulls him down to cuddle "but it'll become more bearable. i promise you"

there's a brief moment of silence before rain mutters "thank you"

"always, sweet thing. we're in this together"

[iouinotes]

Heroic Betrayal | Luke Castellan (part 3)

PERCY JACKSON AND THE OLYMPIANS SERIES AND THE BOOKS SPOILERS

pairing: Luke Castellan x female!reader

show: Percy Jackson and the Olympians

warnings: dark!character, betrayal, angst

summary: You meet Luke again in battle. But nothing turns out the way either of you expect.

a/n: The third part, yayyy! Somehow I still can't figure out the end. But as long as no one complains, I won't stop :))

I'm breathing heavily, my feet hurt and I'm struggling to stand properly on my legs. The wound on my arm hurts, I can feel the blood running down my arms. My shirt is soaked red. I feel the strong urge to cry and I'm amazed that I can still breathe. Everything around me is spinning, but the fear keeps me running.

I know he's ahead of me. That I'm chasing after him. His golden sword reflects shadows in our surroundings. Any person with enough sense would hide.

But Im done hiding. I want to fight.

Maybe I'm a coward for admitting this now, but I was hoping my friends would be by my side.

My friends…I hope they're okay. I lost sight of them almost immediately when Krono's troops stormed out of the forest and attacked the camp. I only had time to listen to Annabeth's orders and the next thing I knew, I was in the center of the fight.

And then there was Luke.

He was standing there just like he did a few days ago when he showed up here at camp and begged me to come with him. But the idea of being back on that ship scared me more than anything. The thought of being near the Titan.

Close to him who betrayed me.

He doesn't really look any different now, perhaps more angry and murderous than usual. It's enough to wake me from my trance. Because the look in his eyes is darker than the deepest night and it sends a cold shiver down my spine. I'm not running away anymore, I tell myself at that moment.

But just as I'm about to go in his direction, he disappears behind a couple of monsters. I pay little attention to that, only trying to find him again.

I can't let him get away.

So I follow his tracks, stab some of his warriors and make them disappear into smoke. I'm so angry that my jaw is grinding, because I'm clenching my teeth so hard. Then I see his figure behind some trees and suddenly I'm filled with energy. I draw my sword with newfound strength and run towards him.

Until my lungs feel like they're on fire. And yet I don't slow down. I forget how deep I'm going into the forest. I slowly lose my sense of direction as to where I am, even though this has always been our place.

Hidden behind trees, bushes and naiads. Now the branches are on fire, smoke is in the air and there are no friendly forest dwellers to be seen. I stop when I see a flash of golden light to my left. Hope rises in me that Percy has found me.

But as soon as I see his dark hair, everything tightens inside me. I stop and raise my sword protectively in front of me.

"Stop running away! I thought you wanted to fight?" He leans his shoulder casually against a tree, his smile making me seethe with anger.

"Princess, I'm not running away. I was just shielding you from the others." My pulse quickens, adrenaline coursing through me. My grip on the weapon tightens.

"Then what are you waiting for? Come and get me!" I see him shake his head.

"Are you so naive that you seriously believe that? You're not here to be killed." My eyebrows draw together and I shift my weight uncomfortably.

"Then why?"

"I'm doing you a favor. I don't want you to watch your friends walk to their certain deaths." Silence spreads over us. Then his voice cuts through.

"Face it, you're doomed. I'll give you one last chance. Join me."

I hate myself for it, but I hesitate. And I hate it even more that he notices.

,,You friends will never consider it, they will lose. You cant imagine how weak they are compared to Kronos. And I dont-" for a moment, he seems to be uncertain. He presses his lips together and walks a step towards me.

"I would hate myself for eternity, if I allow myself to lose you."

My heart hurts, it's beating in my chest as if it wanted to show me how much I miss him. But could I listen to my heart, even though my mind tells me the opposite?

“How can I trust you again? How can we ever go back to where we where? You and me, we are not the same as before.“ My voice seems drained, my desperation seeks through my facade.

I try not to show him, how I feel. How much I wish for us to get back together. Him telling me jokes, us laughing. Kissing in the sun, after we won Capture the Flag. Playing hide and seek in the woods, hugging and touching each other.

Being in love.

“Dont you want a future with me? Imagine a home, a safe place. Just for us. Against the world.“ He makes it seem so easy. As if the world we know, wouldnt be falling apart in this moment.

“So whats the plan? Fighting against your friends and family? Being Kronos slave?“ He‘s silent for a moment.

“You were always my only family. I only need you by my side.“

„I dont believe you. You are the one who lied to me. I wouldnt lie to you. I would have never left you in the first place.“

"I can't do it without you." I scrunch my eyebrows, how dare he ignores my accusations?

"What are you talking about?" He hesitates.

"I wont be here much longer. Well-thats not really true. My body will still exists, but I wont be myself anymore."

"Dont try to mess with me! You said yourself, you will fight in the war."

"I will, darling. But you wont know me."

"I-I dont understand." He's just an arm's length away from me. His gaze is distant.

"Kronos will awake. He needs a body, so his soul or whatever he has, can dive into. Sort of a reborn-kind-of-thing. And it will be me."

I'm so shocked that I'm unable to react. Hundreds of thoughts stream through my head, the thought of losing him - it's unbearable.

"You wont." His eyes shift from the floor to my face. There is astonishment hidden in his eyes.

"Exuse me?" This time I take the final step closer to him. His face is right in front of mine, both of our swords are drawn at our sides.

"I swear on the Ryver Styx, I wont ever, as long as I live, let you trade yourself to that thing and let you- the real you, die in the process. You just wont." My wild expression is reflected in his pupils. Silence surounds us, then a small, genuine smile that I haven't seen in months spreads across his face.

As if he had all the time in this world, he leans down and stops himself in front of my lips. It's the first time since he left camp that he silently asked me for permission.

,,I love being in love with you." His whispering voice ghosts over me.

I close my eyes and connect our lips. A sweet, slow kiss ensues, his fingers hold my chin up to him.

How could I ever resist him?

When he pulls away, he presses two quick kisses to the corners of my mouth. He calmly pushes a strand of hair out of my face, our eyes watching each other.

"I wish the gods didn't exist. I wish no one existed but us."

As I'm about to answer, I see golden curls behind his back. Percy's appearance surprises me so much that I forget Luke's words for a moment.

I pull myself together as soon as his voice sounds again. "I know you don't see it that way. But if Kronos destroys the gods, if there is a chance to reshape the world, maybe then we could have a chance at peace. Dont you think?"

There is so much hope in his eyes that I would finally believe him, join him in his unattainable dreams.

When my eyes meet Percy's, his look tells me exactly one thing: Distract him.

I love Luke. But I have put my faith in Percy.

So I nod slowly. Silently agreeing with Percy and making it seems, that I agree with Luke. I see how Luke's entire body straighten, his eyes glow with a new light.

He seems happy.

I almost fall in love with him again.

"I knew you would understand when the time is right. I knew it! God, I love you so much." His hands cup my cheeks, he kisses me. So intense that I forget my fears and doubts. I forget that Percy is standing behind him.

Luke's adoring look is the last thing I register before Riptide crashes over his head and the boy I love falls unconscious to the ground.

⚔️⚔️⚔️⚔️

"He is dangerous." Annabeth's voice is the only thing that can be heard clearly in the room. Murmurs, footsteps and rustling are like a rushing background noise. My head hurts.

It's been almost two hours since we were in the forest. I tried to catch Luke's body so he wouldn't hit his head, as he fell to the ground. I didn't really succeed, because now he has a small cut on his forehead.

Percy and Beckendorf helped me bring him to our destroyed camp. But not in the infirmary, instead they dropped him in a cell. I protested, but no one wanted to give him the opportunity to be free and possibly escape.

That's why they locked the door and the sight almost broke my heart. Silena said I shouldn't be here, shouldn't see him like that. But I couldn't leave him alone.

The only time I left was to go to the infirmary, so I could get a first aid kit to treat his wound. Then I had a hard time convincing Percy to let me into his cell.

Now I'm sitting on the floor with his head in my lap, brushing his hair out of his face. They are longer and darker, his face looks older and more exhausted. And I treated the wound on his forehead as best I could, after all, I'm not a child of Apollo.

The scar on his cheek glows faintly red in the light, and I carefully run my fingers over it. Just like I always did when he was stressed. I try to ignore the judgmental looks from others. The withering looks “How can she be with the traitor?" But none of them dare to talk to me about it.

Only Percy looks at me warily, as if I wasn't much older and he was the one who needed to protect me. He really is like a brother to me.

When he also notices the looks of the others and therefore my discomfort, he gestures with his hand to leave us alone. Even if he stays there. It's quiet for a moment.

"You can go to Annabeth. I'll be fine." I look at him, trying to make it clear to him that I'm fine. But he doesn't look convinced.

"He'll be angry when he wakes up. I don't know if it's a good idea for you to be in there." I sigh, my eyes returning to Lukes sleeping face.

"I think it's sweet that you care. But Luke wouldn't-" I stop in my sentence. For a moment I am in doubt. Luke would be angry, of course he would be. And after everything, can I be sure he won't hurt me? This question would never have been considered before. But now?

He never physically hurt me. But he lied to me, betrayed me. Kidnapped and gaslighted me, basically tried to force me to stay with him. He wasn't the same anymore. So how could I be sure?

"He won't let anyone talk to him when he's in here alone. He's too stubborn for that. I'm the only one he would listen to. And even of that I'm not sure." Percy's eyebrows furrow. He looks not much more relieved than he was a minute ago.

"Well, now I'm definitely convinced." His sarcasm makes me smile. And I think that's enough to calm him down.

"I'm sure Annabeth is looking for you right now. Please go, Percy. Let me pretend I have everything under control for a moment." He hesitates, but nodds quietly. His fading footsteps are the last thing I hear before I feel sudden movements in my lap.

My eyes dart towards him. A painful groan escapes his throat, the sound is enough to make my heart beat faster.

Without thinking, I stroke his hair and scratch his head. He always liked this tender gesture. I hope it's enough to temper his anger, which I know is to expect in time.

As his eyes slowly open, I see the disorientation in them. Then he realises what happend. When he sees me, I make out different emotions in the way he looks at me. Fury, sadness, pain.

"I'm sorry." My voice is just a whisper in the silence. As he tries to sit up, I see his strength pulling at him and his face turning pale.

"Wait- you still need to rest. Here" I take the water bottle that Percy put in front of me and carefully hold it to his mouth. He slowly drinks a few sips.

When he's done, I put the bottle back to the side. I look at him, waiting, while my hand remains still.

"You are here." It's not what I expected to hear from him.

I meet his gaze, clearly confused.

"You never liked waking up alone." My voice sounds breathless, an old memory haunts his face.

"Still, I would have thought you would be standing next to Percy, laughing. If you finally have the opportunity to lock me up, I mean." His voice drips with hostility at the mention of Percy, the look in his eyes dark. But at least he doesn't try to stand up again for now.

"I would never do that." He knows it's true.

His eyes look away, his cheek turning to his right side to gaze through the bars. Light falls into the cell.

"You tricked me." It's not an accusation, just a statement.

"I guess we're even." He stays silent when I answer.

"You will not hold me prisoner." I just look at him confused. I don't know how to answer. Does he think the cell is just an unpleasant stay until he can sleep in his cabin again?

Since he doesn't say anything more, I do the same. A few minutes pass, both of us dont know what to say, then distant footsteps are heard and I see Percy again. As sweet as he naturally is, he first looks at me to see if everything is alright. Then his gaze turns to Luke and when he realizes he's awake, his eyes harden. But I see the sadness in them.

After all, Luke was his friend too.

"Percy." Luke's voice sounds malicious, as if he would like to get up and destroy the bars himself to fight Percy.

"Luke." Percy's voice is neutral. Only his facial expression reveals what he feels. He is angry.

The two boys stare at each other and I feel myself getting nervous, so I clear my throat to get their attention.

"What's the plan? Can we get out?" I choose my words carefully. So that Percy knows what I mean and Luke knows that I don't just want to get out myself.

Luke sits up and I see how much effort it takes him. I let him, because I also know that he doesn't want my help in front of Percy. Guys.

Percy hesitates. He also tries to choose his words carefully.

"I don't think we can just let him walk around here-" his voice is interrupted by Luke.

"You won't keep me prisoner in here, Percy. Anyone who has a problem with me should raise their sword against me."

Percy's eyebrows shoot up. “Then good luck competing against the whole camp. I'm sorry, but I cant let you out."

Luke's withering look makes me quickly stand next to him. I try to calmly put my hand on his arm. But faster than I can register, he has me trapped in his arms and is holding my own dagger to my throat. I didn't even notice he stole it from me.

The pressure is so tight that it's hard for me to breathe. I'm frozen. Percy also looks like he's just been struck by lightning.

"Let. Me. Out." I feel my eyes start to water.

"Luke-" but his grip only tightens and my voice falls silent. I feel his eyes stare daggers at Percy's.

"Now." Before I can stop Percy, he takes out the key. But unlike Luke, Percy's gaze is on me. Concern is shown in his eyes.

The door opens and I feel Luke's grip weaken. I see it as my only chance. I step on Luke's foot as hard as I can, pushing him away, while the dagger meets my skin, a suprised grunt escaping him.

I run towards the door and before I can even say anything, Im out and Percy pushes it shut again.

Luke's angry voice mixes with the rapid heartbeat in my ears. I feel Percy's hands on my shoulders and him trying to make eye contact with me.

But all I can do is look at Luke. Seeing his eyes blinded with anger, it scares me.

Before he can say anything else, I turn around and run out of the building.

Please comment how you would like the story to end! Thanks <333

[yearningandpatheticaboutit]

CHAPTER 14: I CANT STAND THIS ANYMORE

wc: 6054

tags: violence, attempted s/a, smut, angst, drugs

a/n: this chapter might be triggering for some people, read at your own risk.

prev chapter

yaera

i havent been to one of these events since i was fifteen. that doesnt sound like a long time, but considering my sister was still alive then, it certainly felt like forever had passed.

the dress i was given is pretty at least. its black, has long sleeves and looks like it was designed for a sexy vampire. one good thing came out of this shitfest.

but the best part is, i can hide san's drugs within my outfit. im not stashing them in matching black purse because it'll get searched, but the tiny ziplock bags fit perfectly in my sleeves and boob area. this will truly be the riskiest thing ive ever done.

irina and the others even messaged me not to forget the stuff. im so focused on just getting that money the fear i had buried inside me hasnt completely resurfaced yet.

im staring at myself in the mirror, looking at my smokey eye make up. the black hair dye really gave me a morbid yet sexy aesthetic that im not bad about. if i could describe myself in two words, it would be exactly that, morbid and sexy.

the sexy part is what bothers me. i know there are people who would agree all too willingly with that. and its not my target audience.

my room door swings open and my mother walks in. theres a strange look on her face as she takes me in. we say nothing to each other for a few moments till she breaks the silence.

"bellisima," she says, almost under her breath. "we can really never go wrong with santo. he made you look like a princess, even if you look like you are going to a funeral."

my insides squirm at the mention of his name. i tried to ignore it, but the fear i felt in that bathroom is coming back full swing. im seeing him tonight. he'll be waiting for me.

"please don't do this again this year," i stiffly begged. "you need to find someone your own age Santo. I'm...I'm not the one."

santo cocks his head to the side and smirks. "and who told you that? who said you're not perfect for me?"

"i don't fucking want you," I hissed. his eyes widen slightly, more out of sick arousal instead of offense.

he advanced on me and i blinked, finding myself pressed against a stall. i whimpered and tried to wriggle out of his grip, but my arms were pinned to the side. oh my God, I'm going to be sick.

"but I want you, and you know that. so why don't you stop playing games," he whispered dangerously close to my ear. i shivered and my nausea kept tugging at my stomach.

"i'm your only chance at a respectable man. your parents already love me. so why don't you accept the love I have for you? you'll never find anyone like me, tesoro."

"i fucking hope so," i whispered, pinching my eyes closed. he moved his face infront of mine, hovering his lips over mine. I whined and wriggle, but he isn't fazed by my struggling.

"you're a big girl now, right?" he said lowly. "i think it's time you feel like a woman."

i snap out of that awful memory when my mother clicks her fingers infront of my face. "come on, hurry up! we are only waiting on you!"

i cant leave san's side tonight. no matter what.

when i get downstairs, my nearly feel the breath getting knocked out of me. he's standing there, looking more handsome than i've ever seen him. black hair slicked back, eyebrows done. the suit is sitting perfectly. its like he's the model here and not me. god i think im going to be sick.

he gives me a small smile but says nothing.

"doesn't she look perfect, amore mio?" my mother says to my father, who only gives an awkward smile of acknowledgement.

"the two of you can sit at the back of the limo. your mother and i will take the two front seats," my father says, then turns to san with a pointed finger. "dont get any ideas, boy. i know your headmaster personally."

san awkwardly laughs. "i would never, sir."

i try not to wonder how true that is. we pile into the limo and my parents keep looking at us through the rearview, making sure there's a significant gap between us. i look over to him and all the anger i felt before is just gone. i think im fucking whipped.

hes the most beautiful man ive ever seen.

"san..."

"you look really pretty," he tells me before i can say anything. saying that with the most expressionless face makes my face drop.

"oh-"

"i just wanted to say that. you really do."

i dont know what to say. the limo is dim so i dont know if he can see how flushed i feel. he leans forward and i think hes about to kiss me. i hope for it. i dont even care if my parents are nearby.

"where are you hiding the stuff?" he whispers. oh right, his drugs.

i show him my sleeves, how the pills are pressed finely between the folds. then i point to my bust. "others are in here," i say.

he chuckles lowly. "creative. you can give me some if you need more space."

if san gets caught with this my parents would end him. everything he worked to achieve would be gone in less than 2 days.

"i think i should keep it. just in case anything happens. you know, rich girl immunity."

san nods and leans back away from me, making me feel empty. "of course."

no words are exchanged between us for a few moments. so we're really going to pretend like the party didnt happen? did that mean it was never going to happen ever again. i dont want to sound desperate but my head is screeching for answers.

but i focus on what matters tonight. putting on a show. getting irina and the others their drugs and collecting payment. and most of all, escaping santo.

"san, can you do me a favour?" i ask.

he hesitates but nods anyway.

"dont leave my side tonight. please."

he rubs the back of his head nervously. "well, i am your date. and i dont know anyone else here."

god. he doesnt realize how bad i need him.thats the thing, i need him more than he needs me. i can never delete what i have on him. i never know when this will go sideways.

the party is at some hotel. when we get there, i can tell the reception is intimidating to san. the cameras, the flashing lights. the security. i grab his hand and he doesnt protest as we go inside. both of us get patted down by security guards, of course the drugs go undetected.

we go inside and the dinner set up is fancy as fuck. i look at san and i cant tell if hes forcing the coolness to not have a panic attack, but his face is blank. i spot irina and the others at a table and wave, my mother dragging us to a separate table with our name on it.

theres a stage with a massive projection screen, where a slideshow of the lingerie collection plays. i know at some point the pictures from the shoot will play out as well. im hoping to sneak off before then because i cant handle the embarrassment.

"so this is your life huh," san mutters next to me. i frown, his tone sounds disappointed.

"whats wrong?" i ask.

"nothing. just...i cant believe it sometimes."

hes been acting so weird. is he insecure? fuck i.dont even know where to start placing questions. my stomach sinks a little at his tone. i guess he'll never get it. he doesnt understand what im really running from. i doubt he ever will. that class disconnect will keep beating our ass.

to him, anything is better than being in a gang. i guess hes right. but that doesnt mean there arent things out there that would make you want to kill yourself. i would know.

santo walks out on the stage and everyone starts clapping like this is the oscars. "good evening everyone, buenos noches, buonasera, and everything else! welcome to the launch of the new Cosa Pericolosa brand. a brand distinct for its dangerous yet delicate beauty, made of the finest Italian lace and silk. i want to thank everyone for coming to celebrate and enjoy this milestone. there will be dancing and there will be a party, saluto!"

as soon as he gets off that stage, i see his face find my parents table. hes coming straight for us. i instantly grab san's hand under the table. he turns to me utterly confused, but i cant deal with that right now.

"mi famiglia!" santo loudly says and kisses my parents on the cheek. he gets to me and does the same, his kiss lingering on me longer than i wanted. i suppress a shiver. "tesoro, you look beautiful in the dress i picked! im so glad to see everyone here!"

"we could not have done it without you, santo!" my mother gushes. "you look so handsome!"

"ah, you are making me shy. it is really you people who are stealing the show, wait till you see how the pictures turned out!" he laughs obnoxiously, turning to smile at me.

"im so glad you are here, tesoro. it is good to finally have you back. your sister would be proud of you."

"thank you, santo." i force a smile. when really i want to scream. dont fucking bring her up, i want to scream it. but i force a stupid, docile smile. fuck if this night goes on for any longer, i might end up doing these drugs myself.

"hold on, who is this," santo finally acknowledges san. he holds out his hand to him. "i am santo falcone. but you can call me santo, you are?"

"that is yaera's date," my mother chimes in as san awkwardly takes his hand. "san choi. he is a classmate."

"oh," santo's smile tightens and he glances at me. "just a classmate?"

my father forces a laugh. "of course. do you know me? she can meet someone when it is time to get married."

santo grips san's hand for an uncomfortable amount of time till he ends up needing to rip it away. "nice to meet you, san choi. excuse me, i will return to you all. i have to greet the other guests and then have them run the music. you all enjoy the night."

he leaves, giving me a weird look before going. is he fucking jealous? does he seriously think he owns me? i dont know how my sister worked with him. hes so fucking creepy and somehow that never came up between us.

irina and the others arrive at our table next, greeting my parents with hugs and kisses. "can we steal yaera for a second? she looks so gorgeous!" claire says, gushing.

"no really, i want to rip that dress off you!" anya says. my mother rolls her eyes and laughs.

"please girls, bring her back in one piece for the show." my mother says. a smirk i know to be devious grows on irina's lips.

"oh we will, dont worry, mrs marino."

im so happy to get up from that table. san grabs my dress and looks up like a lost kid. "where are you going? dont leave me by myself here," he says under his breath.

awww hes so awkward. "ill be right back. dont miss me too much."

his eyes are desperate and his smile is so forced its hilarious. "youre really going to leave me with your parents?"

"dont worry she'll be back!" anya tells him, noticing him holding my dress. "your boyfriend is so clingy, yaera."

i can tell san is trying not to murder her with his glare. not more can be said because im whisked away. we end up in the bathrooms that look like something out of the louvre. anya and claire start taking mirror selfies while irina starts putting the money down on the sink.

"all of it is here, you can count it yourself. now where are the stuff?" she says. i start unrolling my sleeves, taking four of the bags out, getting the other five from my boobs.

anya and claire quickly come scrambling. "oh god, finally!" claire says. "we've been waiting so long."

"is it really that good?" i wonder, their relief is crazy to see. "better than what you already do?"

"alone its okay. but together with what we already do? a fucking trip to the skies," irina shakes her head with a smile. "ive never been so glad to know you, marino."

mixing drugs. that doesnt sound smart. but what do i know? im not the addict.

i smile and take the money, folding it back into my boobs. "youre welcome. and you know if you need more, where to call me."

"of course. and you better answer."

"your boyfriend is so fucking hot yaera," anya says with a sigh. "hes literally gorgeous. where did you find him?"

"careful, you cougar. you cant be talking about an 18 year old like that," i joke.

"im not even twenty three shut the fuck up!" she shoves at my shoulder.

"so he is your boyfriend?" claire smiles. the three of them coo like children when i start blushing.

"im getting there guys," i say. "hopefully soon."

"what do his parents do? he looks like a model himself." claire says.

"you know this is yaera, hes probably crazy as fuck. like the last one, what was his name?" irina chimes in with a snort. "i bet this one is the reason she has drugs in the first place."

i scowl at her. shes right but i hate that she read me so easily. "bitch, just enjoy my services. goddamn it you people are nosy."

she raises an eyebrow. "am i right though?"

i roll my eyes and start to leave, saluting on my way out. "im getting back now to my date now, goodbye ladies."

luckily when i get out, theres music playing and people are on the floor. san is sitting alone by the table, taking random sips out of a champagne glass. im so excited. i actually got money back for us. i throw my hands onto his shoulders and smile widely, unable to hold my excitement.

"so guess who collected their first payment?"

san's eyes widen. "all the money there?"

"every last note. so i think to celebrate we should dance."

san frowns and cringes. "i dont dance. im fine here."

i roll my eyes and grab his hand, pulling him up with a hard tug. "is it a sin for you to do ANYTHING fun? the music is playing and we have something to celebrate, come on."

he sighs and gives in with a lame smile. "fine."

i lead him to the dancefloor, swinging my arms around his neck. san's hands drop to my lowerback as we sway and i cant ignore the happiness bubbling in my brain. i cant stop smiling.

"you seem really happy," he notes. "you're getting a big head from your first payment huh?"

"of course. its just what i needed to prove myself to you. that i can pull my weight and that im not just some liability."

"i never said that-"

"yes you did san. many times." i remind him, and his cheeks flush from.embarrassment. "i can even quote you on it if you want?"

"please dont," he chuckles under his breath. "fine, i guess you can pull your weight."

his dimples are piercing through. i stare at him mesmerized and i cant even hide it. i bet if i was a cartoon in this very moment, i'd be having stars in my eyes.

"you're perfect, you know that?" i say without thinking.

san's eyes widen, then darken in seconds. "what?" his voice is just barely together.

"i want to kiss you again," i admit. "i think its all i'll want for a really long time."

i lightly stroke his cheeks, seeing them go rosey. this is all i have. the only thing that shows me that i do affect him.

his eyes dart down to my lips and i shrink the distance between us, till we're just barely a centimeter apart.

"i dont want you to think about it," i tell him. "just do whatever you want in the moment. thats all that matters."

"yaera..." he gulps, then takes a step back. "i-i dont know about this. lets just...this isnt good. for either of us."

"says who?" i scoff.

"says me. you and i should just stay business partners. strictly business. anything else wont end well for either of us."

hearing that makes my heart shatter and my stomach drop. fuck i can feel my eyes filling with water. i try to choke.it down but i know its obvious.

"so you're just gonna.pretend we never kissed at that party?" i lay down my arms from his neck. "youre just going to pretend that never happened?"

san stops dancing and gives me a curt nod. "i think its best we do. we both know i just represent something to you. something forbidden. thats why you want me right? because im someone you cant have."

i laugh bitterly. "i cant fucking believe you."

i feel a tear drop. san sees it and frowns. "yaera wait-"

i swat his hands away from me. "you are such a fucking dick."

i get off the dancefloor and run somewhere. i dont know where. im just walking, looking for a place to break down and sob. god this is so embarrassing. im so fucking pathetic.

i stop infront of a random room and twist the door handle. its unlocked, thank god. i go inside and fall onto the bed, my chest instantly getting wrecked. i start sobbing horrifically, unable to believe how awful i feel right now.

whats wrong with me. what is legitimately wrong with me. why was he so cold? am i not pretty enough for him or something? this cant just be about the business. i refuse to believe it. and even if it is, why do i feel so worthless?

everytime jongho has rejected me and made me feel like nothing but a stupid slut flashes infront of me. the feeling stabs me like a knife.

that must be it. thats probably what he sees me as. a stupid, desperate evil slut. all i do is throw myself at him. even at that party, i couldnt wait to be all over him. im pathetic. and desperate. i should just die.

my gloves are soaked. i cant believe how much im crying. maybe i should go back to therapy. maybe i wasnt coping as well as i thought i was.

i look up into the mirror stand, seeing my make up absolutely ruined. my entire face is red, and my hair is sticking to my soaked cheeks. i look like shit.

suddenly i remember why i stayed away from men in the first place. because im too fucking sensitive. my mood depends on them. my self worth is a reflection of how much they like me. they control whether i feel emotional highs and emotional lows.

i start laughing at myself. i cant believe i got myself into this kind of fuckery again.

the door opens suddenly, making me jolt. santo comes in and closes the door behind him, smiling tightly. i jerk up and start stumbling back, backing myself into a wall to be far away from him.

"what are you doing here?" i ask, my voice shaking.

"i saw you dancing with that...child," he slowly laughs, his tone sounding bitter. "you have no business being with someone like him, tesoro."

"santo-"

"do you know how fucking sick i felt?" he snaps, stalking like a dangerous animal. "seeing you with him? while you wear the dress i picked out for you?"

being alone was a mistake. i try to dart for the door but he grabs me and picks me up, covering my mouth with his hand. he throws me onto the bed, forcing his bodyweight on top of me. im frozen, i cant move. every karate class ive taken, all my knowledge on hurting someone just vanishes. hes on top of me and i cant move.

im sobbing again. he presses his finger to my lip, hushing me.

"i should be the only one who takes this dress off you tonight," he whispers. he starts lowering the top, leaving the top of my chest exposed. "dont cry, tesoro, you'll feel so much better after. ive been waiting for this for so long..."

"no please, santo," i beg through my tears. "please just leave me alone. please just-"

theres a few knocks on the door. "yaera, is that you? can i come in?"

that's san's voice. santo clamps his palm over my lips again and i scream.through them. its muffled. i start struggling and kicking but he wont get off me. he forces his hand harder. "fucking stop," he growls at me.

the door swings open anyway. san barges in and santo quickly jumps off me, suddenly on the other side of the room. san looks between us, frozen in his feet.

"what, did anyone say you could fucking come in?" santo screams. san stays staring between us, his face absolutely blank. santo scoffs and adjusts his suit jacket before storming out and slamming the door.

i sit up on the bed, looking at san through blurry eyes. i cant even find my voice. i cant even deal with what just happened.

"did he try..." san trails off, shaking his head at me. he rushes to sit down next to me. i cant help it, as soon as he wraps his arms around me i start bawling again.

"i cant fucking breathe. san please i just want to get away from here. please can we just leave."

he softly rubs the side of my head as he holds my face in his chest. "lets go. we'll go away from here. far away from.here. anywhere."

***

san

i dont even know where to start.

yaera and i ordered an uber from the hotel, disappearing with the permission of her father, saying she felt sick and she needed to go home. they werent happy but yaera's distraught face convinced them. they have no idea what the fuck happened tonight. they were sitting with that same guy that night.

hell, i dont even know what happened. but i could put two and two together.

yaera and i havent said a word to each other. shes passed out on my chest all the way to my apartment. i have to carry her on the way in. i have to put her down on her feet when its time to go into my apartment, and she hangs on my arm the entire time.

"you sure you fine with this?" i ask her. she nods wordlessly.

i let her inside, and she makes her way to my bed where she falls hopelessly. i go and sit down beside her, not knowing what to say. i dont know any words that can fix what happened tonight.

i know so much about her, but tonight...it made me realize i know nothing.

"this isnt the first time it happened," she says, her voice low and defeated. "the first time he did it...i was fifteen. he touched the inside of my thigh in a dressing room and kept trying it till i never went back. i never told my parents...or my sister."

i dont say anything. i let her speak.

"he told me he would never let me go. that he was in love with me. he tried so many times. at my own house. and everytime i would end up in the hospital...my parents would blame me. they would say that i was acting out. i didnt know how to tell them. they treated santo better me and my sister. hes a saint to them."

i feel my head heating up. a rich prick predator piece of shit. he deserves to disappear. he deserves to fucking rot.

i bet miss A could make a bastard like him disappear really quickly.

i take her hand and gently rub my thumb over her knuckles. i feel terrible. the only reason he was able to follow her was because of me.

"so thats why you asked me to not leave your side," i realized. "so you wouldnt be alone with him."

"he gets jealous of every man who comes near me," yaera's tears leak onto my pillow. "i thought if he saw you...he would really leave me alone this time. but it just...it made him more aggressive. he tried to..."

i pull her up and bring her into another hug, gripping her tightly. it felt like if i let her go that i'd never hold her again. that feeling terrifies me. i hate it so much.

"i'll never let him hurt you again," i swear. "i'll fucking kill him. just say the word and i will."

"i want him off my skin, san," she tells me pleadingly. "i dont want to feel him ever again. i want to scratch my skin off and be clean. i want to feel clean again."

"you arent dirty, yaera. hes the fucking filthy one for putting his hands on you," i hold her face in my hands. shes delicate, like porcelain. her eyes, that are usually so menacing and careless are filled with sadness. "youre perfect. you dont deserve that, dont for a second blame yourself. you're perfect, do you hear me?"

"if im so perfect then why dont you want me?" she whimpers. my blood runs cold. fuck how can she hit me with such a heavy loaded question.

theres no point in lying anymore. this is the last situation where i can lie.

"im scared," i admit. "im scared of you. and this. and everything. ive never had something like this, ive never had someone this close to me. i dont know how to handle it. ive been alone for so long i dont know how to let anyone be near me. i never let myself have anything. i always let go."

"please let me be there," she whispers in a tone i cant refuse. "please dont let me go. let yourself have this. let yourself have me."

my chest hurts. this night isnt going at all how i thought it would. its too much. i dont know what to say to yaera. i find my eyes feeling heavy. she takes my face in her hands again and i know she wants to kiss me. fuck it, this is the worst time. but at this point, there isnt ever a right time.

i go in for it and kiss her first. her lips are soft and velvety, and she melts against mine instantly. we start to lose our softness, with yaera pulling me closer and closer. its like she wants to take all the oxygen out of me. her kiss is hard, like a cry for help, like im all the air she'll ever need.

she breaks the kiss and drags her lips down my neck, making me shudder. yaera makes her way onto my lap and i dont fight it, her legs wrapping around me tightly as her dress rides up her thighs.

the kisses turn hot and i feel my brain losing sense. this wont end here, i know it. i want to stop it. i drag my willpower from the floor to break our kiss and she stares at me, frowning with swollen lips.

"is this really a good time?" i ask seriously. "you're really emotionally vulnerable right now. after what happened tonight, do you really think-"

"san," she interrupts me, pressing another kiss to my lips. "my life has been one big emotional fucked up moment, i want to forget. i want to have this, im so fucking dead inside. i want to feel alive again."

she stops showering me with warm pecks and looks me dead in the eye. "will you give me that?"

i hold her face again. my chest feels warm thinking about how no one sees her like this. her pain. but she trusts me enough. she lets me see it.

"i'll give you whatever you want tonight. i promise."

those words were all she needed. yaera slides her hands over my chest, pushing the suit jacket off. her hands move fast, flicking open every button till my chest is bare.

she presses her lips to mine again, her fingers tugging at my hair. i moan at the pull, surprising myself and her. she breaks the kiss and smiles down at me.

"i could get used to that sound," she teases. something stirs in me. she's so hot.

i move my hands to the back of her dress, finding the zipper. i dont break eye contact, and her smile only grows as the dress starts falling apart on her.

i slowly drag my lips down her neck, and she lets out a shiver. i fight my smile and continue to leave hot, soft kisses down her shoulder, moving down to her barely hidden cleavage. yaera harshly pulls the dress down, having rolls of money fall out and exposing her chest.

***

yaera

san stares at me after my boobs stare at him. there's a dazed look in his eyes that disappears once he lowers his mouth onto my one boob and grabs a hand full of the other.

i throw my head back, lost in a cloud after feeling his warm mouth. he starts sucking and massaging, rolling circles over my nipple. this is heaven. or something close to it definetely.

i feel my thighs tightening, warmth seeping down from my lower stomach. i try to stifle my moans, my mouth just barely gasping. he looks up at me, pausing on his motion. "you dont have to hold back. i told you i'll give you anything you want tonight," he whispers.

i hold his face with both my hands, feeling like i could cum from just staring into his eyes. "i only want you," i admit direly. i'll take anything he gives me. "but rubbing on you would be nice too."

he leans back, making me yearn. "okay, open wider."

hearing those words just makes me hotter. i get up from his lap and completely remove my dress, both of us just ignoring all the money on the floor. san's eyes hang on my every movement. im in nothing but black lace, and i dont waste time in throwing myself on his lap again, legs parted and ready.

he brings his lips to mine again, both softly and yet completely taking them as his own. his hand slips between my thighs, slowly trailing up like hes carressing fragile ceramics. i shiver as he gets closer to me, his hand finally slipping onto the base of me. he drags his thumb down my clothed folds, wrapping his arm around my waist to pull me closer.

i try to focus on kissing him, dragging my teeth down to his neck. i lose myself when he starts rubbing me with both fingers, feeling that jolt of warmth coursing through me.

my mouth is parted as my face is buried in his neck, pathetic whimpers pumping out of me. san starts going in circles, right in the perfect spot. i do myself the favour and move the fabric to the side, his warm fingers completely melting inside me as he pumps them in and out.

i know im doomed when i hear myself squelching. his rhythm is perfect, not too slow and not too fast, just enough for me to completely feel him and fade cloudily. i feel my high coming, my thighs starting to tense and my grip on him tightening. i start to kiss him frantically, till san keeps pushing his fingers faster. i feel like a hot coil, going and going till before i know it, im dripping all over his fingers.

i collapse onto his lap and he slowly drags them out, and i hear him prop them into mouth. i look at him with an accomplished smile on my face, shaking my head.

"you sick fuck, did you just taste me?"

san shrugs with a small smile on his face. "yeah, can you blame me?"

i cant contain myself, i kiss him again. i dont even feel close to done. "let me do something for you now?" i say against his lips.

"mmm mmm," san shakes his head, gently gripping my waist. "i just want you to feel good. do you?"

i nod. "i feel better than ever. but really, you dont want anything?"

he lets out a heavy sigh. "i didnt want to tell you this, but you feeling things makes me...feel things."

oh he just became ten times hotter.

i realize it now, while sitting so close to him, i can feel his massive boner poking me through his pants. i smirk to myself, getting an idea.

"oh no, you have that look on your face again," san mutters, moving my hair back. "what are you thinking?"

"readjust your friend. so i can sit on him."

san goes quiet, but i can feel him pulsing underneath me. its sensation is sending me into fucking heat all over again.

"i dont think we should go too far," he says. "dont get me wrong, i want to. i really do. but i dont think you're feeling hundred percent...after everything."

my smirk drops. i dont want to think of him. not right now. not while i have san's hands all over me. but i guess its not a good look if i do just jump his bones after everything that happened.

he holds my face in his hands and squeezes after i say nothing. "and dont think its because you're not pretty or anything. seriously, i dont know why you would even say that."

i shrug. my black and white state of thinking has never really helped me.

san picks up a pillow up and tosses it against the wall. "come on, lets fall asleep. we can talk again in the morning."

"okay," i mutter. i dont know what else to say. i get off him and and crawl into his bed. san follows after, his hot skin completely blanketing me as he puts his arm over my body and draws me against him.

"are you gonna act like nothing happened tomorrow again?" i ask.

silence.

"no. stop worrying."

his curt words dont register in my brain, because he places a warm kiss on my shoulder. it doesnt take me long to completely drift to sleep.

***

wooyoung

wooyoung knows he fucked up. he knows its all fucked up, he just doesnt know when he's going to tell san about it.

miss A is looking at him with cold eyes, he cant even utter a word because of the fear inside him. seonghwa is sprawled out on a broken couch, horrific burns all over him. hes barely alive, but he had it in him enough to tell everyone about what went down at the warehouse.

"changbin is dead, you know this right?" miss A tells him.

"yes, ma'am," he utters pathetically.

"so you know what you and lucky have to do."

he knows he cant stay a bitch in this gang for long. he knows its going to get real. petty stuff is all wooyoung is used to. extortion, scamming people. when he watched yunho die, a fear he thought was so far away just flashed infront of his eyes. he knew he'd come to be on the other end someday.

"you find that man...and you bring me his hand. or else, i'll have yours."

***

A/N: pls this chapter was a mess im sorry and it took forever to write , the next will be better 😭😭😭😭

NEXT CHAPTER

tagslist: @yujispinkhair @brown88 @sansonlygf

[bpdfox]

Vent/thought dump I wrote a month ago. It's long and disjointed and I was also high when I wrote it. Figured I'd put it here, this is sorta where my head has been lately.

Am I nothing more than a mirror??

I don't know how to even get my thoughts out. I'm so… isolated.

I've felt a profound sense of isolation and separateness since I was born. Like literally.

Sitting there picking holes in my leg, pulling the hairs out so I know I can feel.

I can only think clearly when I'm tearing myself apart.

HOW CAN I GET WHATS INSIDE OF MY HEAD OUT?

Even today during therapy my therapist just sort of

I NEED TO BE SEEN.

She just sort of like. Had a lot of stuff she needed to process with all of the church shit and all of the fucking bullshit going on with that

I'm not worth it unless I can provide a service to someone else

I cannot connect

I don’t know if I'm capable of connecting and that scares me. That terrifies me. I can't imagine going the rest of my life feeling this way. I don't think I can. I can't.

I feel so small when I'm on these, everything is tall and towering above me

I feel inferior, threatened, judged when I'm around my younger brother. Even he is rejecting me? I've been asking him to play some games with me for weeks and he wont and I feel so fucking stupid trying to

Its' like im a kid trying to tell my dad that my goat is dying in the shed but he's too busy working

I CANNOT CONNECT

When my aunt was trying to use her fucking 'healing' bullshit on me and she was sitting there holding my arms and telling me what she thought was going on in my brain, that I was having such a hard time, blah blah. She was telling me exactly what was going on in her brain. She was using me as a reflection.

I'm' not your fukcing passion project

People only come to me when they need something from me

I'm a project, a side project, a 'once-in-a-while' hobby that maybe they’ll return to when they get bored

I'm so alone. I'm always alone.

I've felt this way since I was a kid

Even in my old friend gorups I was always the odd one out, people would cycle through me and talk to me if they

I AM NOT ENOUGH

IM NOT WORTHY OF CONNECTING WITH

I AM NOT WORTH CONNECTING TO

WHY

I was ripped out of my mother's womb and isolating was the only way I survived

I had to be in a stupid fucking box, incubating me, with the stupid fucking earmuffs that made everything louder, and I WAS ALONE

I WAS ALONE

I WAS ALONE

My mom is only talking to me about my brother

My brother is a fucking homophobic asshole and it makes me so sad and scared and upset and mad that my mom wants him to feel supported

I'm leaving my feet behind always, I'm forgetting them

My legs don't feel like a part of me, I don't feel like a part of my body. Is this what people mean by out of body experience

Even my therapist

Idont thinki can fucking do this

Im a leech, im a leech im a leech im a leech im a leech and im alone

And that's how I'll always be

My brother is going to his fucking stupid homophobic transphobic stupid fucking religious cunt ass fucking school and

I HOPE OAKS DIES, I REALLY DO. I REALLY FUCKING DO

I HOPE HE CHOKES ON A FUCKING FORK, I HOPE IT GETS WEDGED IN HIS FUCKING ESOPHAGUS AND HE ASPHIXIATES ON HIS OWN FUCKING BLOOD

I'm not worth connecting to

I cant get anything out and that scares me so bad

Because nobody understands unless I can get it out but I fucking cant I fucking cant

All I am is disgusting, gross, unloved

I'm only loved if I meet the conditions, if I meet the criteria. I can't do taxidermy in the barn but my brother can tan a rabbit hide inside the house?

I'm a hazard an inconvenience. I didn’t want to eat what the rest of the family wanted but that didn't matter. I'm a scavenger, I have to pick from what's left and hope I can make it through the night.

I'm disgusting I have mental fleas I'm always itchy and crawling and I can never fucking get comfortable, never get comfortable, I'm so tense all the time, I cant get to sleep because I cant get comfortable, I'm not meant to be in my fucking body

I think everyone can see it and that's

All I am is a hole

Is this all there is?

I noticed a new spot on my scalp, scab scab scab. Ipicked it. Why do I evne bother trying to not pick. Who am I fucking doing it for.

Im so fucking alone. I think im fucking cursed like genuinely. I cannot fucking connect. No matter how hard I try. And so I isolate and I sabotage myself

I'm fucking disgusting im not worth taking care of im not wroth anything. Im not worth anything. Im not worth anything. I'm a leech im a leech im a leech I'm a scab I'm a fucking useless piece of shit. EVERYONE CAN FUCKING SEE IT. EVERYONE CAN FUCKING SEE IT. And that's why im alone and that’s why that willn ever fukcing change

I try to show my photography and I just get a

Its no wonder I started fukcing drinking I cannot handle it. I cant handle it.

I have been drowning and alone since I was born at 28 weeks old. And nobody fucking cares. And nobody fucking sees. All I am is a mirror.

I don’t have a fucking personality I just cling to whoever I hope will give me approval and I don’t even pay attention to whether I'm liking whatever the fuck it is, all that matters is that they're having a good time

I can't keep doing this but I don’t think I can stop. I was programmed this way and this is all I know how to do and it's going to fucking kill me. It is going to fucking kill me.

I'm running myslef over again and again I'm the coyote that wasn't fast enough and I'm the car that didn't stop. I'm the road that wasn't takencare of and the guts that spilled across it and the dying breath of the animail terrified alone and that's all that I will ever fucking be. Only here for the bugs. I'm carrion. I'm already dead and im wasting away and everybody can see it and nobody will ever love me because once they see past the mirror all that's left is the fucking pit. The hole the empty the nothing.

I have to be funny because then maybe if im lucky they’ll want to stick around but I don’t thinkanybody really does. I'm always terrified that they will leave. They are going to leave me when they realize how useless you are.

Myeyes hurt.

I havent cried like that in so long. It gets stuck inside me and it's like congested. I'm congested and I cant get anything out and im ALONE AND NOBODY CARES AND NOBODY SEES

I CANT FUCKING DO THIS. I CANT FUCKING DO THIS.

IF I DON’T G

I CANT DO THIS

I AM

It's all loss IT'S ALL LOSS. ALWAYS. REJECTION REJECTION REJECTION

I CANNOT

HOW THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO GO ON HOW THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO KEEP GOING LIKE THIS.

MY BROTHER HAS FRIENDS MY SISTER HAS FRIENDS

WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO ME??

I'M ROTTING. I'M NOTHING. I'M WASTING AWAY HERE AND IM USELESS.

I cannot

I'm really struglging with how alone I am. How alone I am. How alone I am

Christ.

Something broke insidwe of me but theres nbody there to witness it

Ive been out to them for ten fucking years. And they still misgender me. They don’t bother to get it right. I don’t know if my sister's husband even knows im nonbinary

I'm not fucking worth the effort. Im not worth the effort. WHY THE FUCK AM I EVEN TRYING

I'm howling alone and im hoping to hear a response but it's only mirrored

Nobody will ever respond

And even if they did I don’t know if it could reach me truly. Im in a fucking bubble. Im a specimen under glass for inspection and reflection and to look at when things get boring but I always endup back on the shelf.

Went through everyone in thefamily except for me . Left me out of the speech.

All im good for is to consume

I can only think clearly when I'm hurting myself

Picking myself apart

I'm going to be alone. Christ im going to be alone.

I don’t understand it and im struglging to keep up

I can feel myself closing up again. Goodbye.

The doors are closing again.

[marvelita85]

16 years of age and your grandfather the king thought you were of age to start looking for a husband you knew your mother had chosen your father at similar age, you were a dragon, you ride DarkShadow the 2nd larger dragon after Vaghar and a princess obviosly many great lords and sons would come to kingslanding to dispute your hand, you didnt want any part of it, you wish your freedom as your mother did at that age

Rhaenyra your mother granted you more freedom than most mothers would

- you are a delight for sore eyes my niece -Aegon walked beside you and you tried to hide a smile

- uncle.... Im surprise to find you awake so early in the morrow...

- I knew you were coming today how can I not welcome my favourite niece

- Im the only one you have, but thank you my prince...- you always tried to be polite with your uncles, Aegon was never close to you,but realising you have become a beautiful woman he would definitly be closer much to your disconfort but you could always count on your brothers to save you

Jace found you and soon took you away from Aegon, in just a moment your eyes turn and found the ones of your other uncle the one you've always been close the one you yearn in your absence in dragonstone, he wear an eyepatch now and you just hope he didnt hate you for any part you had that fatidic night

Aemond was training when his niece got outside the countryard he followed her with his eye and silently thanked his nephew to go and rescue her from his brothers schemes

- she has became beautiful... a delight - his brother said Aemond only looked at her he didnt care she was a bastard her eyes hold a Targaryen look as they were dark purple as much as his instead of your brothers you had your mothers eyes

You were your grandfather's favourite he anounced in the feast that night whoever you chose would rule with you after his passing and after your mothers, any children you might have would rule after you and all men in westeros wanted their heirs to rule the 7 kingdoms, you didnt want that presure but it was inevitable, for now you were dancing with your cousins and your brothers who were bethroded to them, Luke let go of your hand as you star spining in the middle of the dance floor but you lose your footing tangle with your dress and you though you would fall but a pair of hands steady you holding you close as you stoped

- uncle!!... thank you...

- are you sure I can stop holding you there is no danger for you to fall- he was taller than you he hold a half smiling never taking his eye from yours

- no... I believe I survived today thanks to you...

- hmm...- he simply let go of you and you realised you didnt want to lose his arms around you

- my prince... I presume you wouldnt stay to dance with me... even if I ask you one...

- you presume right niece - you gave a small smile and bow your head trying not to feel disapointed but you were deep inside you hope Aemond wouls say yes to spend sometime with you - this is not the field I'd like to dance but if you want tomorrow I expect to be training outside - your smile watching him go said everything and no one in your family missed the way you interact with the Targaryen prince

You turn to the sweet table and grab an orange cake closing your eyea enjoying it

- what are you doing? - your brother was beside you

- what are you talking about Jace?

- our uncle...

- what about him...

- you invited him on a dance

- yes, I just wanted to thank him for stoping me to embarassed myself in front of everyone if I fall

- he is looking for your favors sister...

- he just wanted to be polite he never did anything improper

- you are the heir of the 7 kingdoms he wish for that throne is the only thing that matters he knows he can be king through you

- so... any man I chose knows he will rule with me one day... what if I want our uncle to be that man...

- you cant be serious...

- he is a prince, he is a Targaryen he is smart and clever and he was never evil hearted towards me from all the prospects grandfather showed me tonight I would married Aemond in a heart bit if it only depended on me

- he hates us... he will always think we are bastards you included

- I wonder why he harbored those sentiments in his heart for us, if I have to remind you brother you took his eye..

- it was Lucerys after he called us bastards

- it doesnt matter what he called you or if Luke was defending you, you never said sorry... maybe now is too late but you never apologized and probably it was the only thing he was expecting, you were friends once, and now that relationship is lost forever only because no one could say one word that could chance everything

- i hope Damon and mother never allows you to marry him - you hated to fight with any of your brothers you loved them but you couldnt deny what was building inside your heart

Part 2:

[imaginewarehouse]

Marcus White x AFAB!Reader || Drabbles

Oh, we are back! For a limited time XD Haha. I just got an explosion of inspo for Marcus and wrote this late last night+this next morning. It is all the smut I was too chicken to write when I was first into him haha XD I hope someone, likes this! But if not, it was also cathartic.

Plot: Fucking Marcus through the seasons. // Enemies with Benefits to Lovers

Warnings: Sooooo much Smut. Filth. Sin!! Hate sex, shameless sex, orgasm denial/edging, Warehouse/Public space fucking, you both being switches, 1 (one) blow job, choking (With the discussion of a safe word), some thigh riding, overstimulation, roleplay, cockwarming, oral (AFAB receiving).

🔆🔆🔆

Season 1: Hate sex + Orgasm Denial/Edging

"Yo," A body leans into the wall next to me suddenly, the sound of their voice muffled by my earplugs. I figure that whoever it is must be addressing me, though, seeing as they've obnoxiously decided to close in on my personal space despite the hunched look I patented in order to keep people from approaching me- and take out the earbuds; Looking up.

There stands Marcus, and I immediately let out a groan- pushing off the wall he's sharing with me in order to just walk away-

But he grabs my wrist and stops me, following me into wall-free space and dragging my traitorous, resistance-less body back to him. Damn- Fuck- Why-

"Y/N, come on. The dumpsters are free- whadaya say?"

What I should say, is no way in hell. Never again, douchebag. Get lost. Die in a fire.

But instead the words that come out of my mouth, are: "Warehouse. 10 minutes."

"You're on." Then he winks, walking away backwards like he thinks he's cool, before turning away and I'm just left wondering why I do this. He's awful! Disgusting, dick-ish, dumb-

~

-And so-oo good at fucking me. Or, maybe he's just so-oo, available. I don't know what either of these reasonings mean about me, but it could go both ways.

Either way, no matter how much I dislike him personally- I cant help the way my body keens into his hands; Long fingers clenched around my hips and dirty gaze stuck on the way his long cock stretches my hole as it dips inside. He's mesmerised by it. Made stupid by it.

Kinda makes me feel like I have some power in this less-than-glamorous situation I'm in with him.

But god its torture. Hiding my head in my arms as they're folded on a shelf, I give a pained whine and push my ass up some more. Please, Marcus... Please, mercy...

"Aghhhh, baby.... Sorry- it just looks so good. Its- its fucking obscene, I'll admit. But god,... " He gives a sudden, hard thrust and I gasp into my arms, desperately moaning afterwards as the movement abruptly gives me what I want. Please please please!- "So hot. Ya know, you never get this good an angle... with porn... I just have got to savour it while I can, ya know?"

"Ughhh... you fucking know as soon as we share another break you'll get to do this all over again... " He's such an asshole! "Just- " Please-

Suddenly he leans over my back, pushed in balls-deep now in his attempt to communicate with me- and- jesus, I can hear the smirk in his tone! "Oh- is that a promise??"

"Yes!" I snap, knowing its true even though I hate it. And him. "Just- come on! Please. Marcus- before someone catches us, just- " This time it only takes pushing my ass back onto him again to have him chuckling as he leans back.

"Fine, fine!... " He laughs. Laughs! "Lets see how this puppy runs, huh?"

Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh he's so gross.

Season 2: Blowie

I have recently had an epiphany.

And that is- If you cant beat 'em, join 'em.

Which, in more words, means- If my body is going to insist on wanting Marcus, as it seems to be, then I am no longer going to feel bad about it. I refuse- Its just not worth the stress weight.

So I'm going to be all in.

I am going to make him my bitch.

And part of that is torturing him, now.

Part of it is getting down on my knees for him, its letting myself smirk when I see the familiar bulge pressing against his pants, its taking my time to lick and press and open-mouthed kisses up and down his shaft, until he's painfully hard and red and dripping a pathetic amount of pre-cum.

And I enjoy it. Not just watching Marcus white knuckle the shelves behind him, sleeves rolled up his forearms, eyes closed as my lips devour him slowly, and dark hair a mess against his forehead- But also the actually dirty act- yes, I find myself liking that. Sucking Marcus White's cock.

I make sure its well lubed-up and more then sensitive before I even think about wrapping my lips around the tip. He has to wince when I press a gentle kiss to it, which I'll test out multiple times as I go. When he finally flinches, so unbelievably worked up that he sighs and growls, then I go down on him.

I take him as far as I can, bobbing my head and sucking along his shaft like a total whore- but honestly love every moment of it. He tastes good, and he's lost control of his hands, as they end up in my hair every time. His hips, too, as they buck towards me.

Its hot of him.

Yep- I'm admitting it now. Marcus is hot.

Season 3: Riding + Budding Feelings??

"Y/N... Y/N, Y/N, Y/N... " Marcus moans, my hips rolling into his at my own pace- though, certainly faster then the speed he would set. Pleasure's building up into tight ball in my lower belly, making me want to go harder- chase my release selfishly- but I stay slow, and steady. I crack my eyes open, to see him below me.

And cant help the grin that slides across my lips. He looks totally blissed out, sitting there on the ground with me propped on top of his lap.

I cant help leaning down and pressing my lips to his- an oddly intimate experience between us. Before the tornado, we almost never kissed. And when we did, it was mostly teeth and tongue gnashing together; Part anger and part lust balled into one big ol' mess.

But, since the tornado... I don't know. I don't know why, and I don't want to think too hard on it, but... it started. We started to kiss. Like now, with his hands dragging me closer by the waist not just so I'll fuck him harder- just so I'll be closer to him??

I part my lips slowly, and the sweet, gentle kiss becomes a hungry one, but its still not the way it was. Our tongues don't fight- we tilt our heads opposite ways into it and his warm muscle pets mine. Sliding over it and circling it, making me moan into his mouth; My hips stutter as the kiss makes my head fuzzy, and I lose concentration.

"Marcus... " I groan against his lips when we finally have to breath, but quickly go back to making out with him.

Its almost as good as the fucking.

Season 4: Choking, Thigh Riding, Fingering and Overstimulation

*This one is set in Ep 11, Steps Challenge. when Marcus gets mad about it (Not as mad as Sandra, but... pretty mad.).

"Remember the safe word?" He asks, breathing heavily. He came to me a few minutes ago, a hand on my thigh possessively under the breakroom table which surprised me. I looked away from my phone to assess him, and oh boy.

That steps challenge has pissed him off, somehow.

Stoll, I roll my eyes- but gently; Smoothing the wrinkles absentmindedly, almost affectionately, out of his coveralls. What do I care what kind of things the other sin the room might think? Marcus and I are a secret but not a well kept one. "That's not gonna be our safe word, Marcus."

He groans, rolling his shoulders back in irritation. "Come onnn."

"No." Over my dead body, is it going to be Boob Cheese! Theirs no way Marcus will fuck me so bad that it traumatises me any more then his business concept, did.

"Fine. How about- Strawberries?"

Amused, I look up; Biting my bottom lip to keep from giggling. "Strawberries?"

"Yeah- now- come on. I need this." He rolls his own eyes, the frustration clear even in his body language- so I shrug.

"Alright- Strawberries. Now what are you plannin- Ey!"

Marcus is already dragging me to the Warehouse.

~

"Ah!~" I cant help the desperate whines that come out of me with Marcus' hand around my throat. I never imagined this would be so hot- making me cum already twice. But it just makes me more desperate. For air, for his touch, for an orgasm.

The first time, I came on his thigh- Rubbing myself against the material of his work uniform until he got too frustrated with me and took my hip movements into his own hands; Dragging my more-than-stimulated pussy over his thigh and bumping his leg up every once and awhile- until I let go inside my underwear.

Then, a second time, on his fingers. He rubbed inside me, at my meaty inside walls and the delicate bell inside me rough, until I pressed my forehead into his shoulder and rolled into his ministrations. Needing more.

More more more.

"Fuck, fuck, fuck!- " Its becoming too much, especially with my poor, abused cunt now stretching and milking his dick now; Much more then his fingers, or the not-nearly-enough-ness of his knee. I'm overstimulated to hell, but Marcus is intent on fucking me until his frustrations are cleaned out.

"Are you good?" He asks, rubbing a thumb up and down the skin of my throat now instead and squeezing it for a moment, but still drilling me into the wall; My thighs spread wide open and wrapped around him, drawing him closer by my heels.

"Yeah," I reply, almost breathlessly. Please don't make me talk, right now... Useless cursing and pornographic moaning is about all I can manage right now. "Ah!- "

His grip tightened around my throat, and so my pussy follows suit on his cock.

"Hm. Good."

Season 5: Roleplay + Cockwarming

*Set sometime during Ep 13, Favouritism. When he got his desk.

He was so excited about his desk, and somehow amongst him showing it to me after hours and pretending he's on some 'Important business call'- I ended up sat on it, with him being my boss, and me his darling, slightly slutty receptionist.

Or a lot slutty, considering he's balls deep in me- still taking that 'Important Business Call'.

"Yeah, just send them on through to my receptionist, L/N- Yeah, yeah, man- no you're the best." Its really a testament to Marcus that he's able to bullshit a whole conversation so seamlessly, even with my walls squeezing him for all he's worth like this. He flashes a perfect smile, as if the guy on the other end told him something good. "Thanks, man. She is, yeah- I'll ask 'em."

Excited to get included in the game, I straighten up a bit and tilt my head the side; A perky grin on my lips. "Yes, sir?"

His mouth opens slightly at the use of that address paired with my best, most professional, ready-to-work smile. "... Um... Uh- uh oh yeah, um, do you... Hal wants to know if you've got a boyfriend- he's got a son about your age... Might wanna set ya up."

"Oh," Well, that's unexpected. "Well... " My cheeks go pink. That's I dont know what to make of that question. Is Marcus asking me something about... us? If I wanted anyone else? Um- "T-tell him I'm busy right now... Gotta lotta work to do... with Mr White."

Slowly a mischievous smirk spreads across Marcus' face again. "Yeah you do." He whispers, leaning over and claiming my mouth his; Leaving a dizzying, hot kiss there and forcing me to moan- Hips rolling. The action makes him lose character for a second, releasing a string of obscenities under his breath as his head falls on my shoulder, and thrusting his hips and his cock up deeper into me. Oh god!-

Then he lifts the phone, that had been pressed to his chest as if anyone was there on the other end to hear your exchange, and presses it to his ear again. "Sorry, man, L/N's just reminded me we- I- have a meeting, now. Yeah, see ya, bye!"

Then he puts the phone away and turns mock-sternly, to me.

"You're gonna have to me... "

"Oh?" I ask, grin spreading across my lips.

"You just fucked up that phone call with your hot ass- that's grounds for firing. But I think we can work something else out."

"Oh?" I repeat, fighting not to laugh as I wrap my arms over his shoulders, playing with his hair. "Well, sir, I'll do just about anything, to keep my job... "

Marcus smirks, lifting me by my hips onto the desk. "That's what I wanted to hear."

I actually do laugh, as I lay back on the wood; Legs spreading open wider for him to 'take', me.

Season 6: Pussy eating + Feelings cemented

"... wow." I suddenly say, surprised at the realisation that just hit me. Marcus and I have been sat on his bed in his room for hours, watching movies- and this has only just now occurred to me. Marcus turns to look at me, raising a brow, and I look back to him. "I just- I just realised. We've never had sex in a bed, before."

Well- there's never been one available, like now. Either, we hated each other too much to make the effort of going to each others houses, or he lived with his mother, or below the store, or I had roommates, or... a whole line of other roadblocks keeping us in the Warehouse, or the bathrooms, or his car or... whatever. I'm not proud of all the places we did it but the point is it was never, not once, a bed.

Which is crazy!

Marcus eyes open wide, too. "Wow... you're right." He makes a gesture with his hands and his head, like his mind is blown- and I nod. Yeah. Then he shrugs those broad shoulder of his, turning back to Dumb and Dumber. "Ah, well."

... Ah well???

I watch him watch the movie for a couple minutes, him not seeming to notice as he's too busy laughing at the stupid shit this movie throws at us. Its weird, I cant help but think. How far we've gotten from when we met. I... really disliked, him. And for good reason honestly, he was a jerk. I'm hesitant to say I hated him, because now... I couldn't imagine hating this person.

I sure as hell did, though. But hot and infuriating has, and I don't know exactly when, but, it become hot and amazing.

It stopped being just sex, a long time ago. It turned into Chinese food and sex, because we were hungry and if we were going to be together soon anyway we might as well eat together.... Then it was fun fairs and making out, because the kissing was almost better.

And now its movies above the covers, my shoulder leant into his.

"Marcus... " I call, quietly.

"Hold on just a second, Harry's about to- "

Okay, he's still a doofus that cant read a room to save his life. "Marcus." I repeat, sternly. He gives a deep, 'oh-woe-is-me' type sigh, like he so terribly hard-done-by, and pauses the movie before turning to me. "I... "

His eyes blow open wide in realisation at my hesitancy and suddenly he's all in. Apart of the conversation. Present. "Woah- wait- is this the moment?? Are you gonna- "

"Well, I'm gonna try!"

"Okay- Okay- take your time. I'm right here. Go."

Sighing, a smile on my lips as I shake my head; I try to release all the nerves. Because this man has seen me naked- worse then naked- I shouldn't be nervous! Huffing eventually, when I'm struggling to do it, I curl my fingers into his shirt and guide him towards me. "I... "

"Yeah??... " Why's he gotta make this so hard.

"Damn it, Marcus." I press my lips to his then, to shut him up. As we start to make-out, ending up with my head on his pillow and him hovering over me, I feel the words coming to me. This part has always been the easy one, with us.

~

Its not 2 minutes later that Marcus had disconnected his lips from mine and dragged me to the side of the bed and got his knees. My eyes had widened, surprised at the implications of his positioning.

"Marcus," Tucking some hair behind my ear, I had leant down, and tilted my head to him. "You've never eaten me out before."

"Yeah, well- I've always wanted to try, though. Just didn't know if you'd like that. C'mon," He flashed me one of those too-confident, bright grins. "Open up for me, babe."

My unsureness was quickly swept away as soon as he kissing me down there the way he kisses me on the lips; Fingers curling into the sheets in no time.

And oh god- how he looks down there. It drives me crazy. The smirk he gives my cunt when he has to breath, the sight of his tongue delving between my puffy lips. He digs deep, wrapping his lips around my entire mould- and sucking. My hands go straight to his hair, tugging and feeling the vibrations of his moan into me.

And immediately- the words fly out. "I love you," Quiet, and quick, and it makes Marcus moans again- taking it up a notch in eating me out and thrusting his tongue faster.

[sailorhyunjinz]

SKZ SHORT REACTION TO YOU ALWAYS CRYING , WHINING , AND RUBBING YOUR FACE INTO THEM DURING SEX 😭🥺🥺 CUTE FDDFFGG

It just always feels so good and overwhelming to have fat cock inside of your tiny pussy 🥺

Also ilysm <33 hry ?

-🐈

KITTEN! how are youuu~? i’m doing just fine, thank you for asking ^^

also... wish i could relate but do i get dick? no, none. ASHAHSHSA

OK QUICK REACTION (aka cherry word vomits) LEGO

warnings; dom!skz x gn!reader, dacryphilia, explicit sexual scenes, slight impact play, moaning, sex (well no fucking shit), orgasm,,, uh what more,,

before starting lemme just say this; as a collective THEY LOVE IT, EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM LOVES IT but sure... some more than others 

Bangchan

nah mate you got him whipped 

W H I P P E D

just imagine holding him close and rubbing your face against his muscles while he’s just going at it OH LORD-

he already likes being in control

and when you show that you are weak in the presence of this dominant aura it just boosts that aura tenfolds.

i dont think he’d go as far as to see you cry but like tear up yk?

but BRUH HE LOSES HIS SHIT WHEN YOU’RE CLINGY

your toes curling as you try to move away from his touch, him already beginning on your fourth orgasm that night

you try to hold on to anything which is most likely his broad shoulders (oop drooling a bit)

DUDE HAS THEM GUNS TO BE ABLE TO MANHANDLE YOU WITH EASE

which he does... a lot 

but he would always ask if you felt comfortable and would remind you to use the safeword because caring dom shit 

whine his name and BYE- he cums

would ask you to say it louder

“let everyone hear how good im making my baby feel”

Minho

SKSKASK all of you guys are going to say that i’m stereotyping minho

BUT IT MUST BE SAID

he likes it to a certain extent

if you belong to the more extremely squirmy people chances are he would get kinda annoyed having to hold you down LMAO

THATS NOT TO SAY THAT HE DOESNT LOVE SEEING YOU WRECKED

nononono honey... this man is corruption kink in human form

crying >>>>> moaning

WELL THATS MY GUESS

he’d be all cocky about it

“only i can make you feel like that baby?” 

WAIT LISTEN TO THIS

he has a whole ass folder on his phone that’s just pictures of you being completely wrecked 

he uses them to jerk off 110%

it can really be any kind of pictures but his favorite is the one where you have both cum and tears running down your face

somebody take the internet away from me 

Changbin

awh binnie baby likes it v v much 

it let’s him know how much you are enjoying it which is more important then getting his own pleasure

oof service top binnie?? ok stop cherry dont LMAO

weak for your whining 100%

especially if it’s all like,, high pitched and cute I CANT-

ngl it gets him even hornier 

you’re feeding his horny monster by holding onto him, scratching his back and leaving all kinds of marks. 

just gonna say it; he likes seeing you desperate

“binnie~ i need you inside of m-me..”

say that and HE A GONER

BECAUSE HE LIKES SEEING OTHERS WANT HIM (i know all your secrets dont even try to hide it you smug hot mf)

because of his buff arms he would have no problem pinning you down if you squirmed around too much 

his sturdy arms in contrast with your quivering body OH GAWD

“you want me? beg then” 

and you can’t simply ask 

you need to whine it

IT DOESNT HAVE TO SOUND CUTE

just desperate ;)))

Hyunjin

the whole fucking rubbing your face and hair against him; in love

it doesnt even have to be against him

against the bed or against a pillow is enough to keep him going

your hair all disheveled when you look at him :((

“do i fuck you that good, baby?” he cooed at you, your head burried in a multitude of pillows. you nod, your hair in your face as your whole body jerks forward from his powerful thrust

we all know that this boy is vocal 

so you would have to be EVEN LOUDER to get him off

which you were

god you know the dance lives??

when he’s all sweaty and is heaving for air?

head empty. only that

yeah... he would like a clingy s/o

because then he can go around and be proud of himself that he made you cry in bed LMAO

he wouldnt tell it to anyone, seeing it more as a personal achievement HASHASH

a sucker of you being squirmy

gives him more reason to use force when pinning you down 

showing himself off a lil...

blushing mess if you compliment him on his muscles tho... 

Jisung

you know that video where felix bites a banana with the peel still on and jisung goes all “SPIT IT OUT YOU FUCK” 

yeah thats what happens when you start crying from how hard he’s going

he thinks he fucked up real bad

no dude you just hitting it too good (HASHASH bye im yeeting myself off a cliff)

crying in bed makes him scared but do you know what really gets him?

whining

A LOT OF IT

he loves how they go from small murmurs to full out long whines that are all uneven

some incoherent words mixed into them together with his name

he also loves how they sound mixed with his moans and growls

i feel like he’s very moved by sound

the mf that would record your moans no cap

i feel like he would be the one to rub his head against you??

yk missonary (wow cherry has nothing else to come with LMAO) he drops his head when he’s close to cumming, shaking his head slightly against your shoulder, his soft hair tickling you

he would be the one tearing up when he’s close

BECAUSE you feel too good wrapped around his aching dick :((

can we really blame him? 

Felix

OOOOH MY GOD 

OOOOOOOOOOOH MY GOD

he loves it

more than he should

all of it; the crying, the rubbing against him, the whining, the hair in your face LIkE OOF

why? because it gives him a sense of being in control 

he has you under his control which IS RARE FOR HIM

OK he subs for you a lot and then he does the same thing, probably even more than you do

yk the whole rubbing his hair against your chest as he’s whining at the top of his lungs

BUT HE REDEEMS THAT WHEN HE DOMS

which is perfect because then its a give and take situation

happy sexy times

where the both of you are enjoying it waaay to much

WAIT THIS

imagine him pounding you in missionary right.... and both of you cry!?!?!

two overwhelmed babies :(((

Seungmin

Puppyboy is all for it 

let me just say,,, he has a corruption kink SAHSSAHS 

OK I KNOW EVERYONE IS GOING TO BE LIKE

“cherry he’s so neat and tidy, how could he possibly have a corruption kink?”

THATS WHY. BECAUSE HE LOVES SEEING YOU ALL TIDY AT DAYTIME

but god forbid nighttime because then you are nothing but a drooling and crying mess, holding onto him for dear life as he mercilessly pounds into you 

i swear this dude is all about drastic changes like duality is in his DNA

and i feel like he likes people that have that same charm??!?

IMAGINE THIS RIGHT;

you’re riding him, tired and fucked out of your mind, eventually leaning down to his chest and nuzzling your face in the crook of his neck, crying from overstimulation

AND THIS MF lifts you up slightly and starts thrusting up into you 

thats it. 

i love him AHSHASH

Jeongin

it would take a while for him to get used to you crying in bed 

first time it happened he got scared, stopped and hugged you, apologizing like a thousand times

you all like “...it was just getting good?”

he doesn’t understand shit at first???

“b-but why are you crying then? tell me the truth y/n”

“but i am?” 

after you explained that it just happens to you he’d nod and continue

after a while... he starts liking it

and if you one time don’t cry he’d be confused again, this time saying;

“did you not l-like it?” 

“dork, of course i did” you say ruffling his hair and he feels relieved hearing you say that 

ah cutie :(((

ALSO the whining and the squirming; total sucker for that LMAO 

OK IMMA SLEEP NOW holy shit my back is scoliosis central rn and im so damn nervous for my exam tomorrow AAAAAAH fuck fuck fuck 

ANYHOW HOPE THIS WAS FUN READING <333

[boldlyvoid]

Spencer and fem!reader have been together for a decade, married for five. They got married right after the Justin Mills episode, she proposed cause she almost lost him. He proposed to her once he got out and she had no idea he was going to. Anyway I got off on a tangent sorry I have ADHD. But anyway so part of Spencer was scared she’d leave him while he was in prison, which of course she never would. Not only because they have a three year old daughter. She of course doesn’t, and they’re both there to greet him when he’s released eighty-four days later. She’d been using porn to pleasure herself while he was gone, but it wasn’t nearly the same. He’s been so pent up that he jumps her the second they get back to his apartment. Needless to say, she wasn’t expecting him to be even more dominant when he got out of prison than he had started to be when he went in.

so i changed it up a bit, she hasn't had an orgasm since he left. she's so touch starved becasue she cant even hold his hand at visiting hours and they both can't help but fuck the second she tell's him they're bringing him home.

word count: 1.4K

cw: unprotected sex, dirty talk, daddy kink, dom!spencer, wall fucking, public sex, creampies, talk of pregnancy, touch starved reader and spencer, canon typical violence, references to PTSD, (I hope I got it all)

She’s anxiously tapping her foot, she’s been awake for 48 hours now, she hasn’t seen her daughter in just as long, and her husband even longer.

84 days to be exact.

She feels like she’s going to explode, she misses him so intensely and if he doesn’t come home now, she might never see him again. His mother is missing, he stabbed himself to stay safe in prison, he might not come home. again.

In the 10 years that she’s been with Spencer, he’s almost died 3 times. she thought that was the extent of her worry for her husband's safety... then he went missing, then he was arrested in Mexico and now he’s in prison fighting for his life.

She has her head in her hands, curled into a ball on the briefing room sofa, trying desperately to get her mind to stop saying he’s dead, they’re going to kill him, you’re too late. Over and over and over, the thoughts are so intense she almost doesn’t hear Emily call in and tell them to go get him.

It’s time to bring him home.

She stands faster than before. Faster than when they found the cemetery. Faster than when he almost coded in the ambulance from the anthrax he was exposed to. The only time it rivals is when the doctors came out and said they stopped the bleeding, 2 weeks before they eloped, 9 weeks into a pregnancy they were trying to hide from the team.

She always finds herself rushing to his side, fearing the worst but never has she been this close to the edge. She’s on the plane with JJ, Luke and Penelope faster than she’s ever moved before. Leg still bouncing as she sits, trying her best to stay awake, but her adrenaline is making her dizzy.

“Y/N,” JJ whispers from across the table, “he’s okay.”

“I know,” she whispers back. “That’s not why I’m nervous.”

“Why are you?”

She turns and sees Penelope and Luke arguing in the back, flirting way too much to eavesdrop, she takes a deep breath.

“I haven’t touched him in 3 months,” she whispers. “You guys may not think he’s a touchy person, but I haven’t slept. I don’t know how to sleep without him beside me. I haven’t had a real hug in forever…” a tear falls down her cheek.

She shakes her head, it’s been so unbelievably hard to be separated from him and she’s kept her composure this long. “I haven’t even been able to touch myself.”

She’s ashamed but JJ doesn’t budge, she simply tilts her head to the side in sympathy, “oh honey, he might be really distant, you have to prepare for him to continue to not touch you, or he might not leave your side and drive your crazy. I’m not sure how he’ll react but I know it’s not going to be easy.”

She nods, releasing a shaky breath and pretending that it’s not making her more anxious, “I know.” She finally breaks, sobbing and hiding her face behind her hands. “I’m sorry.”

JJ gets up and moves around the table, rubbing her hand over her back and shushing her, “you can tell him. You can go in and have a few minutes alone with him, Penelope and I will wait in the hallway.”

“I just want a hug,” she whispers, “I’m not going to fuck my husband in a prison.”

“Bundy did it,” Luke replies from the back of the plane because of course, they were listening in. “Plus, I don’t think he’s going to be comfortable enough to do that yet, I think his mind is on saving his mother.”

“Exactly,” Y/N rationalizes it, even if all she can picture is him bending her over that table that she wasn’t allowed to cross.

Sometimes the prison was so intimidating for her that she felt like she wasn’t even allowed to look at him. It was easier for her to send letters, they corresponded regularly. She knew everything, on a level the team didn’t, she knew just how hurt he was in there and she was already preparing for his recovery.

She has a binder in her purse, it has every resource he’ll ever need. Random information pamphlets for him to read on the way home and his sponsor's number. She got it from the VA, taking a special trip with Luke to ask the men there what they wish they had when they came home from Afghanistan, how they coped with PTSD and what they wish their partners knew beforehand. She’s as prepared as she could be.

But nothing prepares her for the look on his face when she opens the door. The guard steps aside and JJ closes the door as soon as Y/N is safely inside the room with him, she just cries.

“Is my mom okay?” He panic, “who’s watching Elly?”

“Spence,” she walks up to him, “we’re taking you home.”

“What?” His face drops, he turns as white as a ghost like he’s hallucinating and doesn’t believe what he hears.

She simply nods and throws her arms around him, holding him tighter than ever before, he holds her just as tight. She can’t breathe, he’s holding her too tight and then he’s picking her up and sitting her on the table, kissing her neck and down her shirt and she can’t help herself from leaning back and attempting to unbutton his jeans.

He pushes her skirt up and pulls her panties to the side, roughly kissing her as she stokes him a few times before wrapping her legs around him and bringing him inside. His beard is longer than it’s ever been, scratching at her skin as he explores her, she can’t believe they’re actually doing this but it feels too good for her to even say a single word.

“God, I’ve missed your sweet cunt,” he grunts in her ear, picking her up and turning them. He presses her against the brick wall, holding her with a strength he’s never had before, and fucking into her with intent.

“I haven’t cum in 90 days,” she says between pants, wanting him to praise her.

“So that’s why you’re such a desperate slut? I’ve made you into a whore over the last 10 years, haven’t I?”

“Yes sir,” she replies on instinct, they’ve tried having him be more dominating but it never really worked out in their favour… this however, this is more than that.

This is primal.

He bites her shoulder, over her shirt and making the fabric wet, grunting as he fucks her, he’s like an animal. It’s incredibly hot, she’s so deprived she almost cums but she holds off, “please?” She begs, wanting his permission for the first time in months.

“Please what?”

“Please can I cum?” she cries, actually tears fall down her cheeks from the frustration, months of anticipation bursting at the seams, “please, daddy?”

“Ugh,” he lays his forehead on her shoulder and fucks into her harder, rubbing her clit with his thumb. “Cum baby, come on daddy’s cock, you depraved little whore.”

She tosses her head back against the wall, it’s going to hurt later but her orgasm is so intense she barely even feels real. She’s floating there as she grips his shoulders and her legs hold him close to her. He stills as he cums, filling her up, they both sigh at the same time.

Sliding to the floor, she’s still wrapped around him, cock inside her as they hold each other. Faces buried in the other's neck, they try to come down but all they can do is run their hands over each other's bodies, appreciating the fact they’re allowed to hold one another in this stupid room again, no one is going to yell at her for holding his hand or passing him a bracelet from their kid.

They hear a knock on the window and that’s their queue to get presentable again. She feels a little gross, but this is the closest she’s felt to him in forever. Carrying a part of him inside of her was her favourite thing in the world, all she could hope for was another little one to be the glorious result of this terrible situation.

[lilitblaukatz]

Long exhausting post about my tylorpe playlist. It has 10 songs.

I don't have Spotify so it is boring and overloaded as well (also I can't see your playlists from Spotify published here, so I suffer)

To give you a taste: (Scissor Sisters, I Can't Decide) https://www.shazam.com/track/44522327/i-cant-decide

Oh I could throw you in the lake Or feed you poisoned birthday cake I wont deny I'm gonna miss you When you're gone Oh I could bury you alive But you might crawl out with a knife And kill me when I'm sleeping That's why…

I can't decide Whether you should live or die Oh, you'll probably go to heaven Please don't hang your head and cry No wonder why My heart feels dead inside It's cold and hard and petrified Lock the doors and close the blinds We're going for a ride

Music is my blood so I of course have playlist(s) for my every ship.

Usually it is fun, but sometimes it is hard. For example I was making my jevon playlist for more than a year.

But these two bastards... It happend in a couple of hours. It was made from leftovers. It is perfect. It is crazy. Those dramatic asses wanted to waltz to gay wedding songs, bless their souls.

In no particular order:

(from Tyler's POV) Britney Spears Monster

Why am I always the one who crashes every single time why am I always the one who is being chased by paparazzi Oh wait I think I know exactly why Cause I'm in every piece (oh yeah a beast oh yeah)

Everywhere I go I can't help I kill Shut it down I'm gonna shut it down People across the world they see my swagger Shut it down shut it down

(I'm a beast) I'm a beast (I am a monster) Yeah I'm a monster

(from both POV) Whitney Houston I Have Nothing

Share my life, Take me for what I am. 'Cause I'll never change All my colors for you.

Take my love, I'll never ask for too much, Just all that you are And everything that you do.

I don't really need to look Very much further, I don't wanna have to go Where you don't follow. I will hold it back again, This passion inside. Can't run from myself, There's nowhere to hide.

Don't make me close one more door, I don't wanna hurt anymore. Stay in my arms if you dare, Or must I imagine you there. Don't walk away from me. I have nothing, nothing, nothing If I don't have you, you.

You see through, Right to the heart of me. You break down my walls With the strength of your love.

I never knew Love like I've known it with you. Will a memory survive, One I can hold on to?

(From Tyler's POV) Joan Jett and the Blackhearts You drive me wild

You know when you're close you really turn me on That's why I want you so bad when your gone, yeah Come on, come on and take me home Please stay with me and don't you leave me alone

You drive me wild, yeah yeah You know you do, uh huh You drive me wild, oh yeah You know I need you, ooh ooh

You're on my mind always my one desire And let's get together and build us a fire Make me tremble and make me shake Pleasin' each other rockin' till daybreak

Don't hold off do it, I need your lovin' I'm getting so hot, I'm cooking like an oven My head is all filled with crazy thoughts Love like this just can't be bought

(From Xavier's POV) Arctic Monkeys Baby I'm Yours

Baby, I'm yours (baby, I'm yours) And I'll be yours (yours) until the stars fall from the sky Yours (yours) until the rivers all run dry In other words, until I die

Baby, I'm yours (baby, I'm yours) And I'll be yours (yours) until the sun no longer shines Yours (yours) until the poets run out of rhyme In other words, until the end of time

I'm gonna stay right here by your side Do my best to keep you satisfied Nothin' in the world could drive me away Every day, you'll hear me say

Baby, I'm yours (baby, I'm yours) And I'll be yours (yours) until two and two is three Yours (yours) until the mountain crumbles to the sea In other words, until eternity

Baby, I'm yours 'Til the stars fall from the sky Baby, I'm yours 'Til the rivers all run dry Baby, I'm yours 'Til the sun no longer shines Baby, I'm yours 'Til the poets run out of rhyme

(From Tyler's POV) Kele Okereke My Guy

I've got sunshine on a cloudy day When it's cold outside I've got the month of May

Well I guess you'd say What can make me feel this way? My guy I'm talkin' 'bout my guy

I've got so much honey the bees envy me I've got a sweeter song than the birds in the trees

Well, I guess you'd say What can make me feel this way? My guy I'm talkin' 'bout my guy

Hey, hey, hey Hey, hey, hey Oh, oh

I don't need no money, fortune or fame I've got all the riches, baby, that one man can claim, oh oh

I guess you'd say What can make me feel this way? My guy I'm talkin' 'bout my guy

(from Xavier's POV) Soft Cell What

Do you want me to Get down on my knees Beg you baby, please Cry a million tears Do you want me to Call you on the phone Beg you to come home Think of all the years When I once lived in paradise When the love light shone in your eyes

Oh baby What can I do when I still love you What can I say when I still want you What can I do What can I say You'll never know this way

Do you want me to Follow you around Everywhere in town Do you want a clown Why do you Treat me mean and cruel Breaking every rule Can I be your fool We can make this a happy home So come back where you belong

Oh baby What can I do when I still love you What can I say when I still want you What can I do What can I say You'll never know this way

Please forgive me, come back, and then We can fall in love Over and over and over and over again

(from both POV, truly their song) Scissor Sisters I Can't Decide

It's not easy having yourself a good time Greasing up those bets and betters Watching out they don't four letter Fuck and kiss you both at the same time Smells like something I've forgotten Curled up, died and now it's rotten

I'm not a gangster tonight Don't wanna be a bad guy I'm just a loner baby And now you've got in my way

I can't decide Whether you should live or die Oh, you'll probably go to heaven Please don't hang your head and cry No wonder why My heart feels dead inside It's cold and hard and petrified Lock the doors and close the blinds We're going for a ride

It's a bitch convincing people to like you If I stop now call me a quitter If lies were cats you'd be a litter Pleasing everyone isn't like you Dancing jigs until I'm crippled Slug ten drinks I won't get pickled

I've got to hand it to you You've played by all the same rules It takes the truth to fool me And now you've made me angry

Oh I could throw you in the lake Or feed you poisoned birthday cake I wont deny I'm gonna miss you When you're gone Oh I could bury you alive But you might crawl out with a knife And kill me when I'm sleeping That's why…

I can't decide

(From Tyler's POV) Simply Red Stars

Anyone who ever held you Would tell you the way I'm feeling Anyone who ever wanted you Would try to tell you what I feel inside The only thing I ever wanted Was the feeling that you ain't faking The only one you ever thought about Wait a minute can't you see that I

I wanna fall from the stars Straight into your arms I, I feel you I hope you comprehend

For the man who tried to hurt you He's explaining the way I'm feeling For all the jealousy I caused you States the reason why I'm trying to hide As for all the things you taught me It sends my future into clearer dimensions You'll never know how much you hurt me Stay a minute can't you see that I

(From Tyler's POV) Madonna White Heat

Get up, stand tall! Put your back up against the wall! 'Cause my love is dangerous This is a bust

You think you can have my love for free Well I've got news for you, that's not the way it's gonna be So don't come hangin' round my door If you're not ready to give, you're not gonna get much more.

I don't want to live out your fantasy Love's not that easy This time you're gonna, gonna have to play my way Come on make my day!

Can you feel the rhythm of my mind Boy, I've got so much to give, But I don't want to waste my time I can't let my heart put on a show 'Til you surrender baby, you've got to let it go.

Drop your weapons, you'd better come clean I've got you covered, I'll catch you when you fall to me I'm not gonna hurt you, 'cause I'm not that kind We're not goin' nowhere 'till you have a change of mind.

And as you already guessed, Tyler is fond of Rosemary Clooney's Sway, but he sings 'violence' instead of 'violins', the beast)

When marimba rhythms start to play Dance with me Make me sway Like the lazy ocean hugs the shore Hold me close Sway me more Like a flower bending in the breeze Bend with me Sway with ease When we dance you have a way with me Stay with me Sway with me Other dancers may be on the floor Dear, but my eyes will see only you Only you have that magic technique When we sway i grow weak I can hear the sound of violins Long before It begins Make me thrill as only you know how Sway me smooth Sway me now Quien sera el que me quiere a mi Quien sera Quien sera Quien sera el que me de su amor Quien sera Quien sera I can hear the sound of violins Long before It begins Make me thrill as only you know how Sway me smooth Sway me now Sway me smooth, sway me now!

[thoughtfulmentalitything]

teehee ive returned... ok so now im in college and just like I thought, I am not a fan. the academics are fine but theres a decent amount of work all the time and its stressful to me cause it feels never ending. I will do my assignments weeks in advance but it seems to never give me enough time to relax. well not that I can relax at my dorm, my roommates are so annoying and loud and are all messes and project it outward. however, I did stop sh around september 2022 so its been four months since then. but also whenever something happens where another person is upset and takes it out on me or theres a somewhat valid problem I cant help but think about doing it which is normal. but I think its gonna come back soon and im fine with that. it makes me happy. its almost like a form of self care for me cause I can actually get all the bad feeling out of my system and just onto my arm instead. like its fine and I truly think that. anyways another issue though related to how bad my dorm is because of my roommates is that I finally told my parents about how terrible it is and that I dont even sleep there anymore (but I only go back home like once or twice a weekend each month when I have breaks) and I fully am just going home cause I have break or need to catch up on homework... but now they just think im not addressing the issue and not facing my dorm situation which, uh yeah obviously im not going to. when I dont come home on weekends on breaks to get away from the dorm, I just stay at someone else's house or dorm on school days and weekends. like??? I literally do not have the capacity to be there. but now im getting really triggered at home too because I told my parents about my issue... which why are they responding like that. id rather just off myself than have to live at my dorm or home. I really need to sh. I know my living situation issues are temporary but they make me feel really bad and become unproductive and fat. all I do is hide away in my room at my dorm all day when im not out for classes and gorge of fat disgusting pig food. im so fat now. I need to loose weight im always bloated and fat looking. if I was skinny I would at least be 3/4 happy inside my body and the 1/4 of unhappy in caused my external forces that make me upset inside can just be fixed my sh. tbh I need to make my sh not eating and working out too much instead of cutting cause hiding the cuts is so annoying like I dont feel like wearing long sleeves in the summer again. I need to not eat any processed foods and get on track to just have no appetite (I didn't for like a week long time period in the beginning of January). anyways im just really upset now and turning to my venting on here cause I dont want to bother anyone with my problems anymore since clearly telling my parents the most basic issue ever is not being received well. like really. just make you child happy. but nooo they dont know about how suicidal I am and any of my other issues cause I dont tell them. they just dont dress anything either. like I need a breast reduction and my mom was just like well talk about that later... well it is much later now and guess what, still haven't talked about it. id rather just die right now. I cant endure 3 more years of college at the place im going right now. I just cant live in the state I do right now and need to move. everything would be solved. but for now, all I can do is loose 20 pounds and be skinny and smart so I can exist in a physical state thats tolerable to me. I just need a break from everything else though. ok ill probably return later but at least this vent right now stopped me from racing downstairs and picking out a new xacto for a real release. ok bye bye 

[whosjunglejim4322]

Warnings: SMUT, insecurities but mark just needs a lil reassurance abt how good he makes you feel, finger fucking/sucking, he cums in his pants, fluff bc yall r in love love <3

Mark knows he's being irrational about this whole ordeal. One conversation shouldn't be getting under his skin like it is, but this one thing seems to be knocking at the forefront of his brain, throwing him out of focus as of late.

So what, you masturbate. It's normal, he's not there all the time, of course you do. He does too, but he also becomes outrageously horny everytime he so much as thinks about your skin or the way you kiss him. And it's safe to say he thinks about you alot. Alot alot.

"It's different, though? I'm a guy, we jerk off an outrageous amount," he argues, furrowing his eyebrows as you stare up at his pacing form from the bed, grinning. He's cute when he's flustered.

"And girls just...aren't supposed to get horny without the help of a guy?" You inquire.

He stops pacing at this, slumping his shoulders. "that's not what I mean, I just-" he sighs, plopping himself next to you on the edge of the bed. He chews on the inside of his lip for a moment before shaking his head.

"Nevermind, I'm just tired." He runs his fingers through his disheveled hair, looking at you apologetically with his big doe eyes.

You're still amused, giggling as you reach over to cup his rosy hued cheeks, pulling him to your mouth for a kiss.

"A little toy could never replace you, my love."

You'd reassured him that night by wrapping your lips around his dick, and he was too lost in the belly aching anticipation and bliss of it all, to really pay attention to what it was you'd just said.

A little toy.

He hasn't stopped thinking about it. It's both slightly irritating, while also being the new source of his sexual frustration when he's supposed to be practicing. He thinks it may be more irritating than the ladder though, because as much as he hates to admit it, he is a jealous creature. 

It's silly, childish and he knows it. Maybe that's why he's so unsettled by this, because he knows that you love him. He knows you like his dick, from what you've expressed. But, maybe he's doing something wrong?

Maybe you just don't want to to wound his ego, and instead act like his dick is enough to satisfy you. Of course, he knows some sensations are better than others, but how often do you need to touch yourself? Does he not please you enough in the moments you two are together?

These questions still nag him when he walks into your apartment at around 7:35 pm, causing worry to crease between his brows.

You, of course, pick up on this when you round the corner from your bedroom to see him making his way towards you, lost in thought. Your arms snake around his middle and your lips place a kiss to his jaw. A smile tugs at the corner of his mouth.

"What's got you all mopey?" You ask, searching for any signs of pain or discomfort in his eyes, only to be stumped by his undreadable expression. Maybe he's just had a long day?

He hums, broken from his self depricating reverie, evidently not realizing he's wearing his emotions so blatantly.

"Nothin' just tired, wanted to come home." He buries his face in the crook of your shoulder once you've pulled him into your room, his breath warm against your neck.

You must've just taken a shower, skin the scent of his favorite soap that always has him sniffing you randomly throughout the day. He squeezes you tighter.

You kiss the side of his head, reluctantly pulling yourself away only to grab his hands and move to the bed, not believing that there's nothing more than just fatigue that's got his usual goofy smile hidden behind such a frustrated countenance.

You crawl onto his lap once his back is against the headboard, his hands slipping underneath your shirt to rub your back, a habit when he's nervous. He knows what's coming, already avoiding your eyes.

"Are you gonna tell me what's wrong, Mark Lee? No excuses, this time." You mean business, but your voice is still as soft and comforting as ever. He can't resist looking up at you once you stroke his cheek with your thumb, featherlight.

With a drawn out breath, he reluctantly responds, knowing it'll only eat at him further if he doesn't.

"It's just....I feel like maybe I don't do enough for you...sexually? Like, I know everyone masturbates and It's totally fine you use a toy and stuff, I just feel like...like maybe It's better than...than what I can do? I know I'm not the most experienced but-"

He's stuttering, ears tomato red at the tips and he's a bit perplexed to see such a jubilant smile spreading across your face as he rubs the back of his neck, embarassed beyond belief.

"Mark..." you cup his soft, blazing cheeks in your palms, forcing him to meet your gaze as squeamish as he's suddenly become. "you're that upset over something like this?"

You don't sound judgemental nor teasing, despite the way you're grinning. But still, he wants to hide his face, wants to bow his head in shame. Suddenly he feels very foolish.

Not being able to stand seeing him so crestfallen, you reassure him, trurthfully. Your heart aches.

"Hey hey, look at me bub," wide doe eyes stare back at you, as you move some of his hair out from in front of his forehead where the strands have fallen. "you are more than enough, so good that when you're away I cant stand it. I have to touch myself, and I'm not just saying that."

His expression has regained some confidence, though you're not done yet. You've got this determination swirling in the pit of your belly, thrumming through your veins. You want him to know how truly incredible he really is, how good he really makes you feel.

"I think about your hands, your mouth, your dick. And you know what? By the end of it I'm not even satisfied, because that little toy isn't you. Do you understand? Hmm? Or do I have to show you?"

Suddenly his heartbeat is loud in his ears, adams apple bobbing as he swallows. He's hardened underneath you and you known that you've got him.

"I-I understand, now. But you could still show me, you know. If you want." His voice is a little unsteady but the corners of his soft, pink mouth twitch at the corners with an echo of a smile.

It's too much, Mark Lee absolutely will be the death of you. And so you kiss him, in a way that has his toes curling and his arms wrapping around your middle like a boa, refusing to let go.

Your fingers are tiwsted in his hair as you suck on his plush bottom lip, a gasp leaving his throat when your teeth nibble the sensitive skin. He can feel your hardened nipples through your sweater, pressing against his chest.

Your knees have tightened around the small of his waist as well, crotch rubbing against the strained bulge in his basketball shorts. You whine into his mouth.

"Mm, you should feel how wet you make me," his hands venture lower at this, until his warm fingertips are pressing into the flesh of your thighs. "go ahead Markie, touch me."

He groans, not being able to hold it back from his chest at the sound of your voice and your generous offer. His fingers, delicate and eager rub your pussy through your lounge shorts, and his jaw slacks a bit at your lack of underwear.

Your tongue slips against his, mouths parted and greedy while he slips his hand into the warmth of your shorts - and practically whines.

He wasn't expecting the abundance of your essence, the utter and complete lack of friction as his digits glide effortlessly through your silken folds. He takes his ring finger and presses the pad of it against your entrance, circling and listening to the lewd, slick sounds.

"Oh fuck," he croons free hand on your lower back and urging you against his touch. "you're s-so wet already, how are you so wet?" He's mystified, and completely fucked.

"I told you." You kiss him again, swallowing his reply and grinding your pussy against his palm. Without warning, he slips a finger in, and then another, falling apart at the way your walls so eagerly welcome them. He trembles.

"Mm, Mark." You're reaching down, underneath his arm and gripping his length, hot in your hand underneath the slinky material of his shorts. He twitches.

Suddenly his fingers are curling inside of you, and he begins to languidly pump them in and out of your sopping heat, on fire from his toes to the top of his head. You have to grip onto his shoulders, momentarily forgetting your previous endeavor of palming his dick.

He doesn't mind, not when you're whining like this, fingers digging into his skin, your body rocking against his while your walls hug and squeeze around his digits.

"Does it feel good?" He asks genuinley, but already knows the answer, too high off of this moment to not want his ego stroked. Your eyebrows are furrowed, lips kiss bitten, skin hot to the touch. You can barely make out an answer, and he swears all the blood in his body rushes straight to his dick.

"S-so good Markie - harder, please." You bury your face in the crook of his shoulder as tour thighs tremble around his narrow hips, lips trembling against his throat. He obliges you happily, anything to have you wilting against him like this. To hear more of the sounds you're making, for him.

Anyone outside the door would know whats going on, with the squelching of your wetness and the vigor in which he's fucking you with his fingers, heel of his palm nudging your clit with each thrust. You already feel that pit of pressure inside your belly expanding, so close to the brink of exploding.

He's fairing the same, if he's honest. You're rubbing up against the painful, throbbing boner in his bottoms, hidden behind only a thin layer of clothing. Your juices have leaked, leaving your own shorts wet at the crotch and the sight is erotic in a way that makes him buck up against you.

His free hand cups your face when he adds a third finger, pulling you from his shoulder to look at your face.

He damn near blows his load right then and there.

You look like you're on the verge of tears, not able to hold yourself up straight. A blush burns his skin, when you lean into his touch, fingers grasping at the front of his white tee.

"M'gonna cum soon Markie."

His heart threatens to explode from his chest when you turn your head and suck his thumb into your warm mouth, closing your eyes and bliss while his fingers pump into you, buried to the third knuckle.

This causes him to thrust into you with a sudden jolt, and the way his fingertips rub against the sweet spot deep inside of you, has the build up of pleasure finally spilling over like a broken dam.

The fingers on either of his hands are soaked now, one with your saliva and the other with your cum. You're gripping onto his wrists, letting him massage the inside of your walls while they contract around him, eyes rolled to the back of your head.

The sight, the feeling, is too much. You're a mess, a beautiful, sopping wet mess and without warning it's like a freight train is hitting him at full force, cock twitching willdy as pure bliss seeps through his pores.

You're still shivering, humping his hand while spurts of cum fill the inside of his shorts, dripping down the crease of his thigh and even soaking through the material a bit. Your eyes are barely able to open, but you will them to when you hear the almost imperceptible groan that strains from his throat when your heartbeat finally stops drumming so loudly in your ears.

Your belly lurches, skin tingly to the touch as he slumps against the headboard, peering up at you with more adoration than you can handle.

"I-I came in my pants." He breathes out, panting heavily alongside you. The thrill that runs down your spine like a tremor at the realization that he's cum, untouched, because of you, is what allows you to have half the mind to pull his fingers from your aching heat - replacing the others in your mouth.

His head lolls to the side, honey eyes trained on you like it’s impossible to look away while you suck your juices from his digits, humming around them. It's like he's staring up at the sun, mesmerized.

And then you're kissing him, and he's sure he's gone to heaven. He tastes you on the tip of your own tongue, and you're so sweet, so tender when you grasp his cheeks.

"I came in my pants too, by the way. Technically." You smile, and he chuckles warmly, giddy. His arms encapsulate you and he nudges the tip of your nose with his own.

The toy can have its fun, he thinks to himself. Because really, truly, nothing - and no one, will ever be as lucky and as enamored as he is with you.

[enchantestuff]

cursed crown (1) - pierre gasly

in which sneaking into Pierres kingdom only means one thing

warnings: smut, royalty au so there's that, language maybe?

please please please let me know what you all think

“Are you alright?” you heard Pierre quietly call from the window above you. You had just arrived at his castle and were currently trying to climb up to the kitchen window, admittedly with no help from the prince himself.

“A little bit of help would be nice, Your Highness” you scoffed. Pierre laughed at the title you gave him but obliged nevertheless, leaning out of the window and stretching his arm downwards, waving it in front of your face teasingly. You rolled your eyes as you grabbed hold of it, “I thought I was supposed to be the mean one out of the two of us” you muttered when you finally climbed through the window and planted your feet firmly on the ground. You brushed some dirt away from your coat before finally meeting his beautiful blue eyes.

“Perhaps you're rubbing off on me, my lady,” Pierre grinned. He grabbed hold of your hand and quickly led the two of you out of the grand kitchen, carefully glancing across corridors and hiding behind walls as maids and a variety of guests walked through his pristine palace. You thought you would have been used to sneaking around his home by now, you had been doing it for months after all, but the trek from the kitchen to his bedroom was never an easy one. Even though Pierre had repeatedly confessed to you that this certain day of each month was the quietest, there still seemed to be countless people roaming the halls.

“I do quite hope you haven't acquired only my bad traits, Pierre,” you whispered, quickly glancing behind you as you ran up the stairs and into his bedroom. This was the riskiest part of your journey. The stairs that led up to his bedroom were open for anyone and everyone to see, whether it be from the inside balcony above or from the spacious hall below.

Pierre laughed at your comment, quickly shutting his bedroom door behind him and twisting his body around to face you. He placed his hands on your hips as he led you further into his bedroom. “Are you insinuating that you have any desirable qualities, my love?” he joked, his beloved silly grin quickly making its way onto his face causing your own smile to erupt on your own. These moments with Pierre were the only times you could truly be yourself and they didn't come around too often.

“Well of course, your highness” you smiled, snaking your hands up his arms to rest on his biceps. Pierre jokingly cocked an eyebrow at you, his hands trailing lower down your body, unable to keep them still for a second.

“And why is that?” he pondered, frowning slightly as you pulled away from him to take off your coat and climb onto his freshly made bed, getting comfortable in the silk sheets before peeking at him through your lashes.

“Because you crawl into bed with me every month” you teased. Your eyes trailed across his bedside table, smiling at the familiarity of it. Since the beginning of your late night rendezvous the contents of the table had never changed. There always lay a map of Othain, a journal which he had forbidden you to read and his beloved crown, the one that always lay atop of his head except during these moments with you and of course, when he was sleeping.

You carefully picked the crown up from where it lay and placed it onto your own head. It was much lighter than your own, less jewels scattered around it. It was a breath of fresh air. You didn't feel suffocated wearing it. Didn't feel weighed down by what it symbolized. “Now as your queen, i command you to come over here, for i have been deprived of your touch for far too long”

Pierre chuckled at your words, his steps towards his bed were deliberately slow. He knew how to tease you and from the glare you sent his way, he knew it was working. He crawled onto his bed, positioning himself on top of you and adjusting his crown on your head. “Well then, your majesty, I suspect that I am obliged to prove myself to you?” he jokingly questioned.

“Those are quite possibly the smartest words to leave your lips, my love” you commented. Unable to contain yourself any further, you pulled him towards you, finally connecting your lips after weeks apart from one another. Pierre didn't hesitate to kiss you back, but the short lasting kiss was not what you expected and a frown appeared on your face the minute he pulled away. “As much as I love your teasing, Pierre, I would really prefer it if you didn’t indulge in those habits right now.”

He smirked evilly as he trailed one of his hands down your thigh. “Is her majesty upset with my actions?” he pondered, his smirk not once leaving his face as he crawled further down the bed. Kisses were scattered across your thigh and the silent frustrated sigh that left your lips was a good enough answer for Pierre.

“Her majesty thinks she should get what she wants,” you selfishly spoke. You pulled lightly on Pierre's hair, a desperate attempt to get you closer to him again, to remove his lips from your thigh and place them on your own instead. Was that really too much to ask for?

“Well, I personally think she needs to stop being a brat and shut up for once in her life.” Your lips parted to scold him for his language but instead of rude comments, moans of pure delight seemed to leave your lips as Pierre attached his mouth to your core. He knew how to shut you up and for once in your life, you weren't complaining.

You tugged on his hair, pulling him closer into you as your head fell back in pleasure. Pierres crown slipped to fall beside you on the pillow but you paid it no mind as you felt pleasure pass through you like lightning bolts. “Oh Pierre,” you moaned as he lapped at your core similar to a man deprived of a meal. He couldn’t get enough of you.

Pierres fingers dug into your thighs as he moved to suck on your clit. “Shit,” you cursed as you felt the familiar knot begin to build in your stomach. After spending so much time with you and your body, Pierre believed he knew you inside out, which as a result meant he knew exactly when you were going to cum. He felt oh so evil as he brought you to your peak, only to pull away from you at the last second. The frown on your face was enough to make him feel slightly guilty. Only slightly.

“I am going to declare war on you, Pierre Gasly, '' you seethed, completely unsatisfied and now purely annoyed. You hadn’t trekked all the way to his kingdom in the middle of the night just for him to bring you towards the most amazing pleasure imaginable and leave you high and dry at the last moment.

“I'm afraid you don't have the power to do that yet, love” he grinned. He didn't give you any time to come up with a witty reply as he placed a chaste kiss to your lips before undressing himself in front of you.

“Is this your form of apologizing?” because well, it was working, there's just something about a handsome prince undressing before your very eyes that got you going.

“I was planning on making you cum over and over again, love” he spoke, stretching his arm out beside your head in order to place his crown back on your head. You looked so powerful with it on. You always looked powerful, but his own crown laying in your hair brought freshness to you that he didn't know was possible. It made his chest lighten and butterflies erupt in his stomach. It made him feel five again. “But if this is enough im happy to stop here and continue another time.”

You scoffed at him. Keeping one hand on the crown, you trailed your hand down your body, gripping onto your breast, maintaining eye contact with him as you did so, before moving further down your body. You ran your fingers up and down your folds, spreading the wetness gathered there before inserting one inside. “If you cant pleasure me, i guess i'll have to do it myself,” you muttered, knowing deep down that there was nothing Pierre hated more than you pleasuring yourself in front of him. It felt like a betrayal. Like he wasn’t enough.

Your plan succeeded spectacularly, as they always did, and in no time he was positioned on top of you, his tip teasingly brushing against your entrance. He dragged your hand away from your core and held it above your head. His grip was almost death-like and you found yourself relishing in the pain it brought.

“Don't doubt me for a second, love” Pierre grunted in your ear as he tapped his cock against your clit. You bit your lip at the sensation but allowed him to continue with his scolding. You knew there was nothing but love behind his words and so, to no surprise, you got more excited with each word that fell from his lips. “I think you know first hand the kind of pleasure I can bring you.” You gasped at the feeling of him filling you up. After nearly two weeks of not seeing each other, the sensation of him inside you was better than you had remembered. You transferred his crown onto his own head, an indication that whatever power you had over him was now practically non-existent. You were truly at his mercy.

“I'm sure you haven't forgotten the many times i've made you scream, love. I can do it again if your memory has begun to fail you.”

Pierre was always one to live up to his word. His sharp deliberate thrusts made your eyes roll back and several moans escaped your lips. You haven't been with any other man except Pierre and you would never need to. He knew your body more than you did and the delight that he brought you was extraordinary.

The squeezing of your wrist made your eyes snap open. His beautiful eyes were already watching you withering underneath him. A look of pure adoration plastered on his face as his hips continued to move at a rapid pace. “Shit, Pierre”

Pierre shook his head at you, a lopsided grin replacing his usual smirk as he leaned down to kiss your chest. “That's not what i want to hear, love.”

He was playing your own game against you, but you were too full of gratification to care. “P- please, your highness.” A blush crept up your cheeks at the seriousness of your own voice. You were no longer mocking him with his title but moaning it in pure delight.

Pierre cocked his head at you, “Please what, love? Use your words.” Tingles made its way onto your skin from kisses he scattered over your neck, goosebumps trailing in their wake. You didn't even process your words until they were out in the open.

“Fuck me like your life depends on it.”

And he did. His thrusts became unbelievably precise, his free hand roamed your body, circling and squeezing all the right places while his other intertwined with yours. You knew there would be marks left from where he had held on too hard, but you didn't see it as a mark of pain rather than an indication of what had gone on between you two.  A reminder for the next long two weeks ahead of you.

The clenching of your walls for the second time that night indicated to Pierre you were close. “Hold on, love” he ushered. Something that was incredibly hard to do when he was pounding into you like an animal and circling your clit like he was under a spell.

“I - i can't,” you sobbed. You wanted so bad to release the knot in your stomach, to catch the orgasm you had been chasing all night.

“I said hold it.” He was in control, that much was clear, but you could only hold on for so long until your body couldn’t take it anymore.

“P - pierre, fuck!”

“That's it, love,” Pierre groaned in your ear, “Hold on for just another moment, such a good girl for me.” Your eyes rolled back and your gripped onto his hand for dear life. “Don't know what id do without you.” Your heart skipped a beat and tears began welling in your eyes. “Look so pretty right now, taking me like the queen you'll soon be.” Your breath increased and a whimper left your lips.

“You can let go now, love.”

Nights with Pierre were often sleepless. You had plenty of time to sleep when you were alone in your bedroom. Two nights each month you spent facing the beautiful prince, talking about utter nonsense until your cheeks hurt from smiling too hard and your eyes drooped from being awake for too long.

“Im being sent somewhere tomorrow,” you whispered into the darkness, playing with his hands as you dared to break the silence around you. You could feel him tense up next to you, obviously assuming the worst and imagining an attack his own kingdom. His own people. “Not you, “ you reassured, your heart fluttering when he immediately relaxed beside you, “Some rebels gathering together behind the mountains, I’ll have to leave early in the morning.”

It hurt you to cut your already short time with Pierre even shorter, but duty called and once your father demands your presence on a mission, you had no choice than show up.

“I hate the fact you have to go out on these stupid battles,” Pierre confided. He hadn’t taken his eyes off you all night, wanting to imprint the image of your face in his mind until the next time he saw you again.

“Well, unlike you, I have to prove myself to everyone.” It was the harsh reality of your world, one that you were reminded of at each public event you attended. You were a woman and for that reason, deemed unworthy of ruling.

“You wouldn’t have to prove yourself to anyone if you ran away with me,” he reminded. Without fail, every time you met up with Pierre, he brought up the idea of running far away to another kingdom, one where the two of you could live like commoners and not have to worry about the state of a kingdom nor dooming battles. It was a daydream that both frightened and enticed you in the best ways possible.

“You really think you can survive without all this luxury?” you pondered, your hands immediately running up and down the silk sheets on top of you as your eyes floated across the numerous jewels and paintings scattered around his room.

“With you next to me?” he asked. His hand came to rest on your jaw, moving your face closer to his own as he spoke his true desires out loud, “Of course.”

[estrel]

Saving Grace (And Staying Put)

destiel december 2020 prompt: presents | wc: ~1.3k

russian translation available thanks to @hereigoagain !!

[READ ON AO3] [RUSSIAN]

"What'd you think?"

Dean's staring at Cas, a glass full of eggnog resting against his lips. Behind the rim of it he’s hiding a smile at Cas' thoughtful squint, as Cas watches the end credits roll on the television.

"I think...I still don't understand. Are you meant to be my George Bailey?"

Dean splutters into his drink at that, sitting up to wipe eggnog from his mouth and set the cup on the coffee table. He shoots Cas a look, but Cas is still frowning, head tilted in question and maybe a little bit of concern at Dean's reaction.

After watching a myriad of Christmas movies that included Gremlins (a classic), Home Alone (another classic) and Krampus (Jack was not a fan), Sam and Jack had disappeared off to bed and Dean had stuck It's A Wonderful Life into the DVD player. His hope had been that Cas would get his Clarence references after watching it, but instead Cas was comparing Dean to the suicidal businessman that the angel saves in the movie.

What had made Dean choke was that he wasn't exactly wrong.

"I—I guess I am, man, yeah. I mean, I'd like to think I'm a little less pathetic, and I'm probably not as nice as he is, but it's...you're not too far off."

Their eyes meet, and Dean reaches between them for the remote.

"But I'm," Cas says, in a tone that makes Dean pause. "I'm not an angel anymore."

Dean sits back on the couch again, shifting once to get comfortable. "So?"

"So..."

He waits for Cas to continue, rubbing a thumb over the buttons on the remote as the silence stretches. The credits on the TV come to a stop. 

"So, I'm not...’Clarence’ anymore."

"And...what? Is that supposed to faze me, or something?" Dean looks at him again, and Cas' face expresses his apparent uncertainty. 

Dean smooths out his frown, opting instead to get across some of his own sincerity by dropping the deflections for a second.

"Cursed or not, Cas," he says gently, "Angel or not. Doesn't matter, we're...I—I'm better with you. So none of that leeriness, okay? Because you're more than just a set of fluffy wings and a halo."

He thinks Cas might take a crack at him again, indulge him that angels don’t have halos or harps or whatever Dean had said, but he doesn’t. He watches Dean for a long moment, all the while Dean pointedly tries not to notice, flipping channels for something else to watch. The Grinch might be good. 

“I have something for you.”

Cas reaches into a pocket, keeping his hand there while he thinks of how to proceed.

“I know it’s Christmas Eve, and that’s not typically when gifts are given... I also know that there’s probably a whole ritual that has rules and I’m sure you’re very picky about them, but I still...I don’t know if this will count as a present. But I still want to give it to you, if you’ll accept it,” Cas says. 

Dean feels his heart racing, thrumming against his chest so fast it makes him lightheaded. He simply nods, not trusting himself to speak, and watches as Cas pulls out the chain of a necklace until it reveals a small glowing vial that hangs off of it. 

On instinct, Dean reaches out to touch it, hovering his fingers just over the glass. He lifts his gaze to look at Cas. 

“Cas...what is this?”

The essence inside the vial swirls, a bright blue almost the shade of Cas’ eyes. Dean’s entranced, watching as it rhythmically shifts and moves against the glass. 

“It’s me,” Cas replies. “Well, more accurately...it’s my Grace.” 

Dean freezes. 

“Come again?”

Cas sighs softly. “My Grace.”

“You—you saved it?” Dean means to ask ‘How?’ next, but his mouth says, “And you’re giving it to me?”

Cas nods. 

“Why?”

Cas lets his arm relax, lowering it so that the necklace rests between them on the seat cushion of the couch. “You...gave me my humanity, Dean. You showed me how to care about...about everyone. I know I can never repay you for that, but I thought...I thought the least I could do was give a part of myself in return. I—” he hesitates, biting his bottom lip in thought.

“What?”

“No, nothing. I just...hope that you’ll accept it.”

Cas lifts it again in offering, and Dean moves his hand to fit the vial against his palm. It's warm to the touch. Dean wraps his fingers around it, and Cas lets go of the chain. It falls limply against Dean's knuckles.

"Thank you, Cas," He says, bringing it close to his heart. Cas smiles.

"Actually, I uh...I have something for you, too," Dean adds. With his free hand, he digs into his jean pocket and pulls it out, suddenly feeling that it’s a little dumb in comparison to the gift Cas just gave him.

"It's, ah, not exactly angel Grace, but," he holds out the flat of his palm, showing Cas.

Cas takes it from Dean's hand, holding it as if it’s as precious as the necklace Dean is clutching onto for dear life. He levels Dean with a serious stare.

"Are these...?"

"Keys," Dean says, "One's for Baby, and the other's for the Bunker."

Cas is quiet, so Dean keeps going. "I figured, y'know, without your Grace, you'll be needing to get places and, well, keys...open doors." He mentally curses himself. Keys open doors? He squeezes his eyes shut, shakes his head a little to reset himself. 

"What I mean to say is, now it'll be easier to get home. You can come and go when you'd like, and you don't have to wait for one of us to let you in."

Cas' eyebrows twitch at that. "Home," he repeats, but it’s said like a question.

Dean nods, smiling softly. “Yeah, Cas. Home.” He looks away, startled a little by Cas’ sincere eyes that search his face. “If—If you’ll accept it.”

“Yes,” Cas says quickly. “I accept.”

“Good,” Dean responds. He tries to ignore how the racing of his heart makes his hands shake. He looks down at the necklace. It swings a little, gently touching his chest.

“Um,” Dean holds it out to Cas. He waits a moment too long, though, because he can see Cas’ smile beginning to falter. “Do you think you could help me with this?”

Stunned, Cas takes the necklace and Dean bows his head, feeling his ears go red. It’s a sign of trust, Dean knows, to let your guard down like this in their line of work. It’s like baring your neck to a vampire, or falling asleep next to a djinn.

Cas moves closer on the couch, and their knees touch just barely. Dean watches Cas’ Grace dip underneath his chin as Cas pulls the chain around his neck. He can feel Cas’ arms raised on either side of him as he fastens it, can smell Cas’ scent from how close they are. 

Then Cas is done, fingertips brushing the back of Dean’s neck as he rests the cold chain there. His touch lingers, and Dean’s breath catches, and then Dean is lifting his head up. 

They’re closer than he thought. 

“Thank you,” he whispers. Cas gives a small nod, eyes a little wide. His hands are still at the back of Dean’s neck, fingers brushing gently at the hair on Dean’s nape. Dean shivers, unable to contain it. He brings a hand up to Cas’ tie, holding it a moment, before deciding it could use some adjustment. 

Then both hands are fixing the knot, and when Dean is done, he uses the tie as leverage to pull Cas closer. There’s a pause, when both of their noses bump against each other, where Dean gives Cas an out. 

He doesn’t take it.

Dean presses forward, fitting their lips together. It’s the satisfaction of two missing puzzle pieces finally sliding into place, after years of being lost and collecting dirt under a couch. It’s clean, and it’s warm, and it feels like Purgatory all over again—like purity.

When they pull away, Dean’s a little out of breath. He places a hand on Cas’ face, running a thumb over his cheek.

“Stay,” Dean says. “Don’t leave my side again. I want—I want you to stay.”

Cas’ eyes glisten. “I will,” he says. “I will.”

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