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goddessjynx · 3 years ago

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Any parent please answer?

Idk if anyone will see this, but right now I need just anyone to tell me I'm not crazy.

Am I a bad friend for wanting to hang out with my ex-bestie (eb for short) while she has her kids or she's busy and can't hang, so I offer to come over, to help watch, to help clean? Anything just to be there for her, why? Oh because she was on her third child, at this time I literally went over to her house to play dnd with her husband and brother and her sometimes. So I would try and say "hi" or talk, but instead we stayed doing something else or barely said hi. Ok, fine, hormones, got it. It got to the point of she wouldn't want to hang out with me for reasons she stopped telling me decent sounding excuses. Fine, That's fine, I have other friends who I can hang with or find other things to stay inside and not get out of the house to do. I don't need to leave the house, to get away from the suffocating inside the house with a mentally and verbally abusive, controlling husband. That's. Just. Fine.

So you know, time goes on. we find out that the reason she won't hang out with me, but will hang out with the other girl who she hates (Mind you the other chick literally broke into their house, tried to start drama all the time, and be hazardous to her already two children But who am I to judge about the person you rant to me about how you hate them so much?) But the other chick was also pregnant after divorcing her wife. It's honestly such a mess. So "anyways, I get excluded now because I "Don't understand what she's going through" or "I won't have the same experience" or I'm "not a good source of help" Lol, Okay? I still can't help? Be happy for you? Cool. So things go on, and just things have gotten worse on my end. I'm over here with such a mind debilitating baby fever, that I'm having to pull my car over watching children get off the school bus because I'm in such a crying fit that I can't breathe or see straight. So who the hell would I go to about what do I do? My Bestie right? (There's a reason we are eb rn) I tell her, well try, Idk how much she actually listened. But I tell her how I just can't think about anything else right now. I did everything right, and the world keeps slapping me back.

I own a 4 bedroom house. we have two cars, we even have decently everything working out in our favor, But all of a sudden, I'm not good enough for anyone. My own husband two months after getting married said he hasn't found me attractive for the last two years. THAnks. That's a real boost. This didn't start the fights, but that's a whole other set of rants. about a year before my eb got pregnant, around or right before July 4th, I strictly remember, I was in the walmart fucking bathroom. I had felt so sick the weeks beforehand. Like, My menstrual cycle hates me. She's savage af. Not to mention she likes to disappear randomly and appear with just cramps or a whole flood. I never know. But I remember calling my husband in a panic because I don't know what to do while I had to go to the bathroom so bad it hurt, and all I have is half dollar sized clots. Just something my medical brain, and senior year of AP biology says, "Fuck!" I have him figure something out because I'm really needing someone to just hold me in the bathroom I feel so sick to my stomach. I'm dizzy and all these symptoms I tell him to tell the doctor or whoever he calls.. So he calls, they say whatever to him. I don't either remember or he never told me what they said, (this is a normal of hiding information from me, A LOT) They said (What he told me) to just wipe things up and clean up then if it persists in the next 24 hours to go into the hospital. But I will have to see an ob-gyn.

So, Okay. Nothing bad. but they are in charge of everything along those lines. But those were including two words, that I now know were the two words this man didn't want to hear despite, DESPITE all the teasing and jokes about having kids with me when I was younger with him and literally just dating. That was because I had to see a family planning doctor. I was told by HIM that it was nothing, and we will be fine. I just blamed it on my cramps that are horrible and never put thought to it because I had believed that's what he was told. So that's a trauma my brain locked away until recently as I'm going through my divorce right now. But, I was thinking about how shortly after that, I got a call from my eb about how they were all waiting on me because I'm making us late for bringing stuff to the grill out and bonfire later. Fine, mask all the pain and keep fucking going. right?

She seemed genuinely not worried, saying it was probably just a bad cycle. She gets them all the time too. Its whatever. My now bestie's sister has gone through the same thing I described multiple times, enough that she looked at me and was like, "No, You possibly miscarried." even her mom went on about, "they should've never NEVER brushed that off like they did. If they cared then they would've made sure you were ok. My husband denied me from going to the doctor to see anything about it. Even after when I knew my hormones and emotions were just soooo off. But that's in my mind now, when before maybe around the same time my eb came out saying to all of us even her own husband one time saying she's been feeling crummy because she went in and she found out she had miscarried. It was so short after my stuff that she disregarded then took and made attention for herself that upset her own husband because she never told him until she told a bunch of us at a bar. I mean I felt bad for her, but Now thinking back, my gut says it was a ploy to make her husband to feel bad for her and to try for another one. Where as I'm over here waiting patiently because I jumped through Hoops to get where I'm at now.

My husband promised me children. Lots, its a fucking dream to be a mum. I care for everyone else, and their kids, why not have some kind of mini me to show of what I did. That I did good. That I can be useful to this world too. That I'm not just a lump of no good nothing to this world. But first, he needed a better paying job than a gas station.

Did that, he worked at a metal parts production place. But we then gave the fact that we still live in the apartment I got after moving out from high school. We rented a house. It worked, and it was nice. But now he needs a car, but he cant do that until he learns how to drive. 3 years older than me and I taught him how to drive. AND I helped him buy his first car, a truck. Oh but now, we still can't start a family. We are only renting. I have enough good credit that I could get a house alone, but I needed a higher pay. Bam with his income together we got a house.

Bam, I'm hit with baby fever and what not. NOW I get told, we aren't ready for anything like that yet, so wait two years. Alright, I'll wait. I can do that. We were going to go on trips together and do many things together and all of a sudden, the walmart thing happened, and it just got worse from there. It got to a point I got a job paying BETTER than him and I was the laughing stock to him and his buddies. THANKS. But I'm fine, everything is fine. The walmart thing was about two years after, so I mean, it was actually in the time frame and whatnot. Things just kept going on getting worse at home, I just kept listening. For reasons, I had to quit my high paying job, and then everything got absolutely horrible at home. Had to put everything I had control over money wise into his account for he worried it would take too long to find an new job and make money to suffice for bills. It was argument after argument, but I went to my eb explaining things, asking what the hell do I do? Her advice? To just do what he wants. The thing I had to quit about? She basically never cared about it. Everything just went on being a mess. I went on just letting people walk over me because that was the advice I was given.

I voiced my feelings that I have been following lies and how I feel hurt that I'm told dreams and having them be taken away. We never went on trips much. Instead we would buy a crap ton of ammo or new guns that I'm not allowed to use, yet I'm helping fund so you can get them, but when it was my own that I BOUGHT, all of a sudden, my things went missing and he would be out using and letting his buddies use my new guns and using up the ammo I had purchased on my own. I mean, fine, but let me at LEAST take yours out if you're going to use mine without asking. It got to be so annoying that we would be asked when we would get married or when we would have kids. He would be hugging me and smiling all cocky saying "Oh well we haven't stopped trying." every time. He would start that tell people this and I finally had enough. I stopped him and told him to put his money where his mouth was. He always said shit but never actually did it or acted on what he said. He would just lie to everyone. Tell people lies because it sounded nice. Best part? I had bought a ring for him. I proposed to him because he would joke about things like that. So I basically said, "bet" and did it. I have never received a damn ring! He wouldn't even want to look at them with me. Because they were expensive. Not all of them are. I don't care what price it is, but something to say, "Hey, I love you and Don't want the odd peeps at the bar to keep hitting on you so take this with you, its dangerous out there." (Shut up. I'm a nerd) But like.... I just would make notions about, I wanted a ring. He would beg me to pool together money and buy new guns, I mean I"m not against, but I would bring up that I will want a ring. Or even something else would be you know, amazing right now because I'm in a lost place wanting kids still and my eb just announced they were having their third. (which her own family was so upset about it that they ranted to me and my mom, her own brother said that its just another kid that they will end up taking care of instead of her so she can go to the bars again. Yep) So next we talked about getting a gun safe because, before we can have kids, we need to be SAFE. Ight, we bought it. Nice matte black 33 capacity, fire and water proof, best part the front had a reallly pretty engraved waving American flag imprinted on it. It was just so smooth. (Guess who has that right now btw) So oddly enough in the middle of me not being enough for my eb, My cycle kind of returned to being semi regular, and all of a sudden disappeared. Well that whole month beforehand we went from never wanting to touch me unless it was my birthday to every night he was angry after work and took it out on me instead. I mean, whatever. But when it came to me not feeling well, I told him.

Instantly it wasn't mine. I was fooling with other guys. Like instant psycho. His childhood friend came and moved up with us, she saw this for a good few months and had to move out because he was trying to control her as if she were a child. She told me that it was not right for him to be that way and that she will never talk to him for how he treated her. (which was exactly how he was always with me too) I'm not sure if he was trying to get my jealous because his bff was a girl? Idk we worked out like literally sisters. Sooo much in common and she told me, She believes he's never wanted kids. And she watched how I broke down after he told me he wanted nothing to do with me until I took a test. He DEMANDED that I took a test right away. If it was positive, it wasn't his until proven so. And if it was negative he would be fine. this was ridiculous. He wasn't at all happy or excited. Purely upset. I felt so shitty that after the test was negative I told him and he threatened about it happening again he was leaving back to Kansas. He threatened this every damn fight, it got to the point that I gave up, I said leave then. And instantly he shut up. I got him out of gangs, crime, jail, living on the street or with his mum, and being a maaajor drug addict. Yet I'M THE BAD PERSON.

Back to recently when my eb is getting closer to having her kid, I just go through finding out I'm not and my husband is freaking out at me, nonstop yelling at me that I'm not good enough and all this shit. Yes, lil ol me trying to keep the peace in the house is a cunt and a whore. Wow. Name calling, but hitting where it hurts? I told him before, how my mother in an argument said I would be a horrible mother. And that shit sticks. IT STICKS. So what does the smart ass pull out? He repeats it. He says he's glad I'm not pregnant because I'd be a horrible mother in the end.

That. That just kills a person. That kills dreams and the feeling of wanting to keep living. Who the FUCK says that to their partner? Am I wrong for thinking that's not right? Well my eb thought I was. I told her my feelings. How I don't want to be jealous of her, but I am. That she's more beautiful, she's always had guys hitting on her in school inviting her to do things and hang out, I was the nerd in whatever class that got invited only if it was mandatory. She will be having three kids and a loving husband that can never take his hands or eyes from her, where as I have to act like a clown to get my husband to look up from his damn phone. To say something nice. To

be acknowledged while in the house. I've left and came back the next morning because I hung out at my now besties house. He didn't say a word until I came home the next morning and he looked at me like "when the fuck did you leave" No care, no love. I was stuck being a burden. Anything I ever did around the house was in vain. Everything I helped with I got shoved away because I didn't do it right. EVERYTHING I did was not good enough. I would tell him this that is how I felt and he would deny it. One day, I caught him yelling at me saying that what I did wasn't ever good enough. Calle him out right away. Bitch... He tried to change the wording to go around what he said. I HEARD IT. it was so bad I had to have my bestie on the phone to listen to how he talked to me behind closed doors. Away from public view. HER MOM HEARD IT. Thought she was watching some kind of dramatic show, until she realized it was me on the phone. She's listened to so many calls its unheard of. There was a day, I had enough of it. (Ok A lot actually) but I grabbed my laptop and my charger and left the house. I sat in the park drawing on my laptop. Texted every person I could think of that I cared so deeply for that they would care for me back. I was in a dark ass place asking for Advice. My eb shrugged off what my husband was doing and scolded me for leaving. For sitting in a park drawing out my feelings instead of being with him because he's being dramatic to her husband upset that I started an argument. I didn't understand what I started when it was over me telling him not to throw the controller when he loses a COD game because that's how it breaks. Why he threw it? Because I distracted him by playing with my cat while he was playing the damn game and made him lose! yep. Exactly that. So I was yelled at to quit. So I did. I went back to my drawing and then with my headphones on I was humming to my music. It distracted him and he lost. So I flipped out because I can't do anything in my own house without being scolded for it. So I stormed off to the bedroom to draw some more. I'm upstairs and away from him. Didn't want to eat now I'm stressed and upset. So I didn't cook anything and now he's hungry and upset at me for not making food yet. YES. That's how it started and I again was the bad person in the story for safely removing myself from an environment where all my mind was telling me to do was dark things that hurt to say. To give up on everything I have worked for and all my dreams.

That was the last time I spoke to her for a while because everything started to be only about baby and about doing this for baby. Doing that for baby. But then she would never answer me back. I was done trying to fit time to hang out. To do something, I made new friends who didn't have kids and hung out more with them. It got horrible. the sound of a child crying made my stomach hurt. I had non stop dreams of the same thing happening. It was just awful. I looked it up and it was just meaning I had something and lost it. Whatever is missing in the dream what what I had lost.

In this dream I was dressed in all black, lace and long dress covering every inch of skin on my body. I had a hat with a veil and I was rocking a bundle in my arms in an old decrepit room with peeling paint and broken toys. It was a nursery. An old ruined nursery. I was rocking just a black blanket swaddled with a hole that emptied to the void. It gives me chills, I get this dream so much that me explaining just makes my skin crawl and my body ache. It hurts to think of but I just cannot understand it. Makes sense now that I looked into it.

But me going through all of this, I can't talk to my husband about my feelings because I'm too needy and being selfish for not taking his feelings into an account. That he's not ready that we are not ready and that I'm not ready because I'm going to be a horrible mom. Cool.

I have tried so much. I couldn't be around kids. It made me so sick and I jus would have to find somewhere to hide and cry for hours. I would cry myself to sleep. Never getting comfort by him because I'm throwing a pity party. I was so hurt. Still am. I'm broken hearted. Thinking that if I had a kid, at least I would have something that needed me and would love the care I gave and would love me back. I wanted to feel loved for how much I put out in the world. I wanted to have something to ground me to this world before I did something stupid. I was in such a dark place that I drove an hour to go see my bestie because I was scared that I was going to do it. That I was going to be the big disappointment he told me I would always be. Three months later, baby is here and I go back to playing dnd with my friends and its at their house. My husband is rubbing it in my face. He's holding baby and talking to baby and doing all these things making my mind break. He asks if I want to hold her. If i if iififififi NO.

I can't I cannot. I'm trying to be respectful. I missed out on other games because I had to hype myself up. I procrastinated because I didn't know how I would be or if I could handle it. I got to the point that my eb's husband told me that he doesn't want me playing anymore because I sent a text trying to apologize to my now eb that I feel so bad but I can't see her right now since seeing her kids just sends me into a panic attack and I can't stop thinking horrible things. So she takes that as I have a problem with HER kids and not just the KIDS situation. Doesn't hear me out. blames me for everything and has me banned from coming over. in which her husband says he doesn't want me over anymore. Which my rebuttal is because she's telling him only. But he said it was his choice. I don't know don't care. It just hurt that THATS the reason I got kicked out. Not because I was good, but that I couldn't handle their kids. And I would not pay attention by drawing the whole time. I was distracting myself because I'm trying to drown out the noises of cooing making my gut rot and my mouth dry. So by all means I'm selfish for wanting a dream that I was being promised for the last 6 years of physically being with my soon to be ex. I've know for actually 12 years. And that I drove 15 hours to bring you to me since you couldn't drive.

So I need to know from real parents, was I out of line for telling my eb that I had feelings and that them not being heard or just cast to the side hurt? Am I crazy for feeling that I've been robbed? For being upset when my husband comes home drunk and abuses me? For being hurt when I'm called all sorts of names and told I'm worthless by the man I should trust the most? Please. I need to know.

I know I'm ranting, but I need to get it out. I need to find some sort of something to figure out why I'm feeling this way, or why I don't know what to do with myself anymore. I'm fighting for the divorce since i haven't been to my owned house in the last 5 months since he changed the locks on me. I moved an hour away from my home and my family and still to this day, I hurt to hear or watch children around me. I'm happy, but inside something aches and just feels empty. Not to mention that I got told by people that know me that he's been caught buying condoms. We are still technically married, and he can't be doing those things right now. Am I jealous? Upset? Hurt? All of the above? It just sucks and I'm drowning in debt a bit trying to work my ass off to get where I want in life again since all of everything has been ripped from me. I'm trying. Please let me know if I'm crazy or out of line? I want to be heard. I'm going to start to save up. I have a plan for my 27th birthday. If it doesn't work in time for my 28th birthday, I'm not sure what else I can do but join the 27 club.

#send help #please reblog #mental health #parents #mother #father #moms #family #reblog #important #self care #self love #self help #self esteem #self healing #my story

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shadowturtlesstuff · 3 years ago

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No secrets...

here is my how you get the girl cressworth. its kinda sad, i wanted to do happy but i cant apparently. the end is happy and i really want to do a part 2 in cresswells pov

The cold buries itself inside me, finding its way past my bones and gathering through me till all my thoughts are of the cold. Distracting me from what I am about to do, and I cannot figure out whether that is a good thing or not. I haven't spoken to the insufferable Mr. Thomas Cresswell for over six months, yet I am walking a familiar route to his door. I still haven't pieced together why I feel the need to see him tonight, instead of the morning but even if he shuts the door on me and leaves me to fend for myself against the rain it might calm my racing mind. He would be right to do so, after I walked away first. We were close, getting closer every day. Thomas had told me his feelings plenty of times and I had brushed them off till I started to feel them too. I panicked and then made a mess of everything. We are both poor at expressing our feelings yet I had run from the thought of even trying, and now that I have been away I realized how important he is to me, not only as someone I love but as a friend. I miss his quick wit, his charm and dry humour that uncle doesn't think is appropriate half the time. I miss knowing I will see him and see his own smile at me. Knowing I could melt the cold heart of his with just a small comment is something I was proud of, yet began to fear slightly as it was too easy to see that smile. I had learnt that nothing in life is that easy.

I was wrong. Desperately wrong.

Now I haven't seen that smile in so long and I miss it. I miss the person who shares my humour and lets me face any challenge. I just hope he has missed me half as much as I missed him.

My heels click against the cobblestone, my pace speeding up to match my racing heart. Thomas’s house comes into view as I round a corner and I suck in a sharp breath. Can I really face Thomas again? Tell him that I miss him?

This is a worthless idea, a ridiculous notion that Thomas would want to talk to me now. I should leave now and get out of the rain before I become seriously ill and bed ridden by my father. The rain has drowned my skirts, my hair clings to my face. This was a fool's errand. I turn trying to swallow my embarrassment and resentment towards myself when I hear a door open. Shit. I refuse to turn and see if it’s Thomas’s and hope that it-

“Audrey Rose?”

Shit. of course luck would abandon me to this. I don't know what I expected to find when I turned back but it was not this. Thomas, my devilishly handsome friend, stands in his doorway eyes completely transfixed on me. We stand staring, the only sound surrounding us is the pouring rain and my own heartbeat which has amplified its sound so all of London can hear my fear. My anticipation, love and heartbreak and guilt. Words flood my mind but none surfice what I need to tell him and I open and close my mouth like a gaping fish. I’m sure the rain is helping reinforce me looking like such a fool. My mind repeats what an idiot I am and I begin to turn to save myself from further embarrassment.

“Come inside?” Thomas's voice fills the whole street, it sounds slightly panicked, as though he doesn't know what to say. I don't blame him. I showed up uninvited at his flat and haven't managed to look like a functioning human yet I debate leaving, even if I want to stay, but just as I make a step to leave I hear a broken please.

Once again we stare at each other, there are so many words between us that I consider that there isn't a right one to start with. Perhaps his ‘please’ is an effective start. It certainly captured my attention. The rawness of the plea makes me nod and walk towards him. I want to believe Thomas has missed me, that I meant something, but if that is the case, he should be more mad at me. So why invite me in? Why bother?

“I saw you out the window and,” Thomas begins as I stop in front of him and wait in case he changes his mind, “I thought I was crazy at first but when I realized it truly was you I thought I'd save you, just like old times.”

His tone is bittersweet, I wince because I am the reason it has a bitter-ish undertone laced with a hint of grief.

“Save me?” I look around slightly confused, there is no assailant chasing me, no murderer on my tail as far as I knew so what is he saving me from? My own mind, because in a way he has, or at least might.

“The rain. I know you hate the cold and no one wants to stand in the rain so,” he moves from the door and gestures inside. I look down at my dress, completely full of water and wince again.

“As you might guess, the rain has now used my dress as a sponge so if I enter your flat I will ruin it.” I take a step back, it is coward-ish but I can't ruin anything else for him, even if it is only water damage. It won't be the worst thing I've done to him.

“Wadsworth, just get inside.”

His flat is warm and makes me notice how cold I truly was. Immediately I begin shivering as Thomas gets towels, blankets and anything to warm me up.

We sit across from each other, I'm wrapped in blankets and holding onto a mug of coco for dear life as Thomas sits with one hand on his and the other tapping on his armchair. The silence is not as bad as I expected but it was never awkward silence that Thomas and I shared. Which reminds me of Thomas's previous words.

Just like old times.

Except not like old times at all. I have to say something soon and again there is no right way to start this. Sorry will not suffice or fix it, but it is still necessary. Hopefully it will mean something at least.

“I know this is unexpected and probably unwanted and it has been awhile since we spoke but,” I chance a glance at him and he is staring at his mug with an unreadable expression, I've no idea where I'm going with this speech but if I can get him to at least look at me it will be worth it, “but I've missed you and I've had time to reflect on my mistakes.”

“Wadsworth, I've missed you more than I want to admit. I spent everyday waiting to see if you would come back but now you’re here…”

He trails off, leaving me to guess what he is thinking, which is always difficult, but add my paranoia I can only expect he wants me gone. However, I wait in dreaded silence for him to collect himself and speak his mind.

“You’re here and I've no idea what I want.”

We both consider his words, it seems we are still both atrocious at understanding our feelings.

“I've figured out that I want you in my life in some way, any way, and that I was tired of running, of pretending and hiding. I was afraid, before, of what we were and even if we can never go back to that I- I guess I am not going to conform to my fear anymore.”

“I lost my mind when you were gone. I thought I had somehow pushed too far or interpreted things wrong, perhaps I had, but coming here and saying you missed me doesn't fix everything.”

“I understand the fear, Wadsworth but we were partners, no secrets, remember?”

He finally looks at me and I wish he hadn’t. His dark brown eyes pierce my already fragile heart. “I know.” I whisper, looking at my cup.

Once again I whisper I know. I knew this would only be the start of fixing things and I was grateful he was even letting me try.

“I know, no secrets,” I look at him and brace myself to confess my thoughts, “I am a fool for running, I know that now, but at the time I felt trapped, not because of you but what you represent, in a fashion, change does not come easy, but you made it feel so easy I hadn't realized the change and I had convinced myself long before you nothing was easy or fair. I was the difficult, unfair one, and I will forever be sorry, Cresswell, I would like to make it up to you but I understand if-” I let out a breath and attempt to say, if you don't want me to but I can't. It is selfish but I desperately want to make things right.

“No secrets,” Thomas says, almost to himself as he quickly stands then takes the seat right next to me, taking the coco and setting both mugs down. “You are a little insane Wadsworth,” he says with a hint of a smirk and I let the comment slide just because of that smirk, “We cannot change what has happened or fix it as quickly as we would both like but I've missed you too much to be mad. In the future we should be better at this, both of us. I never told you how petrified I felt either. My adoration of you caught me off guard. I thought I had some disease, much to Dacina’s amusement, and I considered running too but you were, are, intoxicating.” Thomas smiles at me, full of promise that I smile back. He is offering a truce of sorts through his own truth and I can't help but imagine Thomas trying to explain his feelings to his sister.

“No secrets, no running.” I offer back and he nods, taking my hand in his and absentmindedly making shapes as we sit in silence. Just like old times.

Except I ruin it with my shivers. I was so focused on Thomas I forgot I was still damp and cold.

“You know, skin to skin contact is the most efficient way of warming up, I wouldn't want you catching hypothermia when there is a simple solution.” he says, smirking fully and I roll my eyes despite my huge smile. There is the Cresswell I fell in love with.

“Scoundrel.” I remove my hand from his and place it under the blankets and nestle further back.

“I am indeed, but also a gentleman. You’re staying here till it's stopped raining. You can have my bed if you want, or the sofa. I can find some fresh clothes and dry your dress as much as possible.”

Thomas leaves the room too fast for me to formulate a sentence so I sit and mull over what has happened. It will not be like before, we have those elements but mixed with something new. I expected to fear that, but found myself excited instead. Thomas returns with a pile of clothes and sets them by me but i make no move to get them. I have only just gained some warmth and even though sitting in wet-ish clothes will be worse, I can't make myself move.

“Can you sit with me please? For a bit, then you can use your bed. I've imposed too much so the sofa is fine, thank you.” I watched him sit back in his chair and smile slightly. I missed all his little mannerisms, how he immediately sets his arm out ready to tap if he needs to. How his hair flicks down. I decide I much prefer his messy hair than neat. There is a softness to his features now that wasn't there when I first saw him tonight. He also looks tired and I consider that I should have picked a better time. Thomas is too kind to comment on that fact.

“You are not imposing Wadsworth. I will happily sit with you all night if you wish and thank you for coming. Albeit the timing is bad, you could have waited for better weather to prevent any illness but- I'm glad you came. I wanted to see you but I thought I was a coward and didn't want to face you if you didn't want to see me.”

His words hit me like a knife in the gut. We were both afraid, both controlled by our own insecurities that we both nearly never got to this stage. It is laughable at how ironic it was. Thomas and I were both convinced the other would not want to see us.

“You are right, we do need to be better,” I say and he looks over at me, “tomorrow, weather permitted, would you like to go to breakfast with me?”

“I'll make breakfast and if weather permits I'd be delighted to go to lunch with you.” Thomas tries to stifle a yawn and I ignore the tug of uneasiness that is screaming. This is too easy. Instead I lean my head back and revel in it, commit Thomas's adorable yawn to memory and agree to tomorrow's plans.

“You should go to bed Cresswell, we seem to have a long day planned tomorrow and i need to get out of my wet clothes.”

“Do I need to reiterate my method of warmth?” He asks.

“Need I reiterate what a scoundrel you are?”

“Yes, I enjoy your slight blush when you say it.”

“Goodnight Thomas.”

He stands and I watch him stretch slightly, walk so that he is facing me. Then he reaches and presses a kiss to my temple. “Goodnight Audrey Rose.”

The kiss lingers, a phantom touch that stays with me all night. Warms me enough to hold onto the hope that Thomas and I will be okay. Our spark will reignite just as, if not more, intensely than before.

@fangirling-again @kittycat2187 @goatahoan @city-of-fae @the-hoofflepooff @ink-insomnia @purplecreatorhorsewagon @boredbookwormgirl @goddess-of-writing-wars @lovecakeandmore @yikesitsmaddie @loveyatopluto @bookscressworth @androgynousdeputylawyershoe @fandomtakeover @throneoftsc

#sjtr #hpd #efh #ctd #btdp #cressworth #audrey rose wadsworth #thomas cresswell #thomas #audrey rose #wadsworth #cresswell #kerri maniscalco #i have just finished kingdom of the wicked and im making the wise decision to re-read efh and then ctd #how you get the girl

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togetherweare-strong · 7 years ago

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Its really stupid but I constantly feel like Im selfish and blame myself foreverything. I try not to have problems because my mom tells me I'm always only thinking abt myself and shes probably right. I dont want to talk to my friends bc they might think im annoying. But now I cant do anything without thinking its selfish and my chest tightens and it hurts and i panic thinking im self centered and keep letting myself down. Could i get some advice on how to calm myself down when this happens pls?

Selfishness is such an arbitrary concept. Some philosophers say that we are all fundamentally selfish. Many psychoanalysts believe in a “healthy selfishness.” There’s something to be said about the importance of self-care; and don’t ever be sorry for thinking of yourself first. Remember what they teach you in airplane safety videos: secure your own oxygen mask before attempting to help others. There’s also a popular quote that says, “Before I am your daughter, your sister, your aunt, niece, or cousin, I am my own person, and I will not set fire to myself to keep you warm.”

I do understand what you mean by this, though. I’ve actually had the exact same experience, except instead of selfish, my parents called me dramatic. Of course, they didn’t mean it to be as malicious as it felt – it was just an ‘observation.’ And I’ve always had a good relationship with them, so the words hurt even more.

They started saying it when I was in grade school, when I tried to tell them about being bullied. They’d told me to ‘stop exaggerating.’ My depression and anxiety started to develop in 7th grade. In high school, it took me (an advanced student) failing my favorite subject for my parents to realize that I needed help. They took me to a counselor, who then had to sit down with them to tell them that I had a mental illness, which needed to treated with therapy and medication. Two years after being diagnosed with depression and anxiety, when I began sleeping most of the day (including during my time at school), they told me that it was ‘just part of being a teenager.’ They told me to ‘stop being dramatic,’ and that just made me feel worse. That same counselor had to tell my parents to take me to get a sleep study done. Surprise: I have narcolepsy, a legitimate medical condition.

And even after all this time, I still feel like I’m being dramatic. I have to remind myself sometimes that I do actually have these conditions, and that I’m not faking it. I still catch myself thinking that I could stop this at any time, because I’m just being dramatic. And now, my mom knows this. And she feels awful about it.

It shouldn’t have to get to that point for your mother to realize what her words mean to you, but maybe it would help to have outside input like I had. I’d suggest trying to go to a counselor if you can – even a school counselor would do. They really can help, and what you’re describing sounds a lot like something that can be helped with talk therapy. And the good thing about counselors is that they can’t think that you’re selfish, or that you’re annoying. They’re trained to understand what you’re feeling and how to handle these situations, especially with your mom. And I think it really could help if you told your mom how she makes you feel. Tell her that she’s even convinced you that you’re selfish – like everything you do is selfish. Maybe then she’ll understand what that means to you.

The thing about parents is that they’ve spent your entire childhood giving and giving and giving, all for your sake, while you never really understood the extent to which they’d sacrificed for you. Thank yous and Mother’s Days will never truly suffice. And when you are finally old enough to have conscious thoughts of your own, they expect you to reciprocate. I try to remember the years of her picking me up from school or drying my tears or making me dinner when my mom asks me to do something. But we have to remember that they’re human, and that their minds work the same as ours. So it’s really important to tell them when they’ve upset you. It may feel silly, but they’ll understand more than you give them credit for.

As for how to calm yourself down, there are a few things that can help you. There’s a technique used in therapy called Positive Affirmation. It feels very silly at first, when you repeat things to yourself which you don’t believe to be true, but there is scientific evidence backing the exercise. It helps break negative thought patterns, and it might be able to help calm you down when you start to feel worked up. Take a look at this article, which explains the exercises in better detail.

Another thing to try would be different meditation exercises. There are many types which serve different purposes. Mindfulness is one type that is particularly helpful for those who suffer from anxiety or panic attacks, and once you learn how to use the exercises, you can use them whenever and however you see fit! My favorite one to do, whether I’m in a public bathroom stall or lying in bed unable to silence my thoughts, is the body scan practice.

TL;DR. I hope these resources help at least a little bit. I truly do know where you’re coming from and how you feel, and I just want you to know that there really is a way to make it better. Above all, I believe that you should get professional help, but even just learning little meditation exercises can lessen the weight on your shoulders.

Chin up, darling. It really does get better. I promise that it does.– Rachel

#ask #anonymous #anxiety #anxiety attacks #social anxiety #mental health #mental illness #advice #message #admin #medication #meditation #help #depression

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sparklyeaglepoetry-blog · 7 years ago

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Where can I find the cheapest health insurance in California?

"Where can I find the cheapest health insurance in California?

Basically I am enrolling in this EMT course and they REQUIRE that you have proof of health insurance before enrolling in the class. Where can I find the cheapest insurance just to fill this basic need? Doesn't matter about coverage and co-pays, etc. just need something to suffice until I'm done with the course, then I'm going to drop the insurance once I get it from my job as an EMT, ya know. Me: married 23 yr old female in perfect health.

BEST ANSWER: Try this site where you can compare quotes: : http://salecarinsurance.xyz/index.html?src=tumblr

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What would be 15,000 pounds after tax and insurance for one month?""

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I got two and Have court for one on the 26th of Sep and the other on the 29th two different vehicles what will happen also when I got my second ticket I got it for speeding... What can I do I have proof of insurance but it is on a different vehicle is there any way I can say I was on my way to changing my insurance to the car I was driving.. I LIVE IN CALIFORNIA IM 19 years old PLEASE HELP ME IM TURNING 20 on the 28th of August

How do I get health insurance while going to college?

I'm a 21 yr old diabetic. Currently I work a full-time job as a fabricator and that's how I have insurance and afford my supplies. I want to go back to school though and get away from the fabrication field. My mother is remarried and is on my step-dads insurance and I don't know my real dad so I can't get on his. I'm kinda stumped here and don't want this to hold me back from going to school. Anyone have a similar problem? Possibly a solution?

I could be pregnant... with no health insurance!!! what I do????

I am not sure, But maybe I am Pregnant... I do not have health insurance... I was thinking on buying a policy but would they accept me pregnant??? Someone knows about a cheap health insurance??? I believe it will be cheaper than paying like 9,000 for the hospital right???""

Can you get your own insurance when renting a car?

When going to a rental car agency such as Hertz or Avis they strongly 'encourage' you to purchase insurance. Can you get your own insurance that covers you in their cars rather than having to pay the insanely expensive insurance they offer?

Is there any insurance company in california that will accept to give me coverage if i have PCOS?

I also need an insurance coverage for pregnancy as I am trying to conceive

Driving without insurance?

My mom has insurance in her name for her car. I passed my road test yesterday and got my license. Can i legally drive the car with her INSIDE of the car? I'm not listed on her insurance? If i get pulled over do i legally have insurance? What will happen?

Mobile home insurance?

i am thinking about buying a 2008 single wide mobile home that is in a lot in a trailer park. anyone have a guess on what insurance might a month?? or do i need it?? Thank you

What's the best site for cheap bike insurance ?

need to insurance my moped but want to make sure I get a good deal and cheap, any ideas ? thanks

""Auto, Home, Renters, Life Insurance?""

Okay I am working on a budget project for a class, and one of the requirements is to find the costs of insurance. So my question is what would the average rate for auto, home, renters and life insurance for a married individual in early to mid 20's?""

First car for teenage girl? Insurance...?

Need a car 17 year old girl 1.0 ltr engine. Cheap petrol and cheap insurance please? I also read getting the box fitted where you can drive between certain times also makes it cheaper?

Business Insurance?

Also what type of insurance does one need for a dollar store?

Classic car ownership in the UK; apparantly there's an advantage over other cars such as cheaper insurance or

tax, or MOT, but I can't remember what...anyone know?""

""I just purchased Geico car insurance, did i do the right choice?

i did research for car insurance companies. so far my Geico's quote beat the rest of them. i received a 6 months premium of $520.10. i just hope i did the right choice. please serious answers!

What is the purpose of a car insurance company giving quotes for the other insurance companies??

Just wondering... could they maybe lie about it? Why would they give quotes of the other companies if theirs isn't as good as the other ones? To me it just sort of seems like they are screwing themselves... Does anybody know why they do this?

How much does baby life insurance cost on average?

I am doing an anatomy project and we are supposed to research the cost of a baby for the first six months. If you could just give an estimate that is fine too.

Will the car insurance company pay for the damage or fix my car?

Ok I got into an accident with this lady today and it was all her fault. so my question is, is her insurance company going to pay me money to get a new car, or will they just fix it. the damage pretty bad, the engine makes some weird noises whenever i turn it on/off. what are some tips for not getting ripped off by the company? btw my car is 02 Honda accord. Thanks in advance""

Haggling Car insurance?

I am 20 years old Guy, and my car insurance is up for renewal, i have a Peugeot 306 hdi 2.0 turbo diesel. I have 2 years driving experience, however only have had a car for 1 year. I have had no claims, no tickets, no points on my lisence. Im Fully Comprehensive, live in a good area, have no criminal record, and park my car on the drive. I have my father, a Police Officer with 30 years no claims and 30 years experience as a named driver on my insurance. My Insurance last year was 1400 (steep yeah) and now its up for renewal i have had a quote of 1100. To me, this seems really steep seeing as surely by now i have proved that i am not some boy racer with a deathwish. My question is, do you guys think ill be able to get this price down with alittle haggling, what would you expect to pay for insurance if you where in my situation?""

Cheap auto insurance for a new driver?

Are there any auto insurance companies which offer rates to their younger customers at anywhere between $100-$250 a month? I've been looking around and every insurance company I check with wants to charge me $500-$900 a month, which is ridiculously out of my budget. It would end up costing more in a year than I plan on spending on my car in total and more a month than my family is paying off on our few year old Kia Soul. I'm aware that having a newer car like a Soul raises my insurance prices, but I don't want to buy another, hopefully crappier, car until I'm sure that I can pay insurance to drive it. Does anyone have any ideas or suggestions?""

Insurance cost for Mustangs?

I'm 18 and NEVER had a car before. If I get a 1999-2001 Mustang that's used, how much would the insurance be per month? I live in NV if that makes a difference. How much would insurance be if I got a 2005-2006 Mustang that's used?""

I rear ended a car on the freeway and damage was minor. How much will it cost me through insurance?

So I rear ended a car on the freeway and we pulled on to the side and got each others info. Damage to both cars are both big and small scratches. I was wondering how much it might cost when I file it through my insurance company. I have liability coverage.

My parents just lost there health insurance. ?

My dad retired from the city of Stockton after 36 years. Due to our city filing bankruptcy all retirees now have to pay for there health insurance(1200 dollars a month for my parents). This is just not affordable for then so they lost there insurance. My mom takes enbrel for her medical condition. How can I get her that medication at an affordable price? I have been looking but can't find any help. My parents are 60 years old.

Where can I find the cheapest health insurance in California?

https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/what-your-opinions-different-car-insurance-companies-one-preisentanz"

0 notes

optimisticpoetrypost-blog · 7 years ago

Text

Best Car Insurance for a teen?????????

"Best Car Insurance for a teen?????????

im getting my liscence this week && im only 17. i NEED to know, whats the CHEAPEST car insurance to get in los angeles, california??

BEST ANSWER: Try this site where you can compare quotes: : http://salecarinsurance.xyz/index.html?src=tumblr

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What is average car insurance for 19 year old boy and girl?

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car insurances like Alstate,Progressive,etc.""

How/where can I get affordable braces?

Hey Yahoo Answers, I have been wanting to get braces for the past 5 years (since 2007). My main obstacle is affording them. They're heinously expensive. Also, the idea of ...show more""

What is the cost of insurance for children and teens?

How much does insurance cost for a child from age 2 to 12? What about for a teen (from age 12 to 18)? Please list these costs separately. Thanks so very much. I really appreciate this. It's for a school project in case you are wondering. =)

Best Car Insurance for a teen?????????

im getting my liscence this week && im only 17. i NEED to know, whats the CHEAPEST car insurance to get in los angeles, california??

Under Obamacare if you have stage 4 cancer and go to sign up for health insurance how affordable will your?

rates be? Is there anything in Obamacare that's going to stop the insurance company from charging you an arm & a leg?

Isn't $300/mo TOO much for car insurance?

So my BF is planning on purchasing his first car, a 2012 Honda Civic EX Coupe, and he's trying to get a plan with USAA, but the quote says he'll be paying 300 monthly for insurance which is basically another car payment. What's the deal?""

When will a vandalism( to my vehicle) go off my record for insurance purposes???

About 2.5 years ago some kids used nylons and a hamburger wrapper in my gas tank to set my truck on fire. It was a brand new tahoe with dealer plates and it had to be deemed totaled due to damages. Now I am trying to change insurance and get quotes and even though I was not at fault and didn't even know these children it increases my premiums by about 600 every 6 months. Does anybody know when this will go off my record? I cant understand why I'm being held financially accountable for some delinquents behavior.

How much would insurance cost for a 16 year old male for a 2006 corvette that is used and cost 15000?

the person has never had any tickets or got into any trouble ever.

Affordable dental insurance?

I need two teeth fixed, one molar extracted and braces, prefer the invisible kind. I'm looking for some dental insurance, that's inexpensive, that will help cover paying for these things.""

How much is insurance?

I have a 1971 Ford: Charger. It is fully restored with a 550HP+ engine. I have no air bags, but I have racing seats (seat belts like NASCAR). It has great speed but ok handling. The brakes, suspension, etc are are new and installed customly. I am 15, but I need to know how much insurance is when im 16-18. If you have any more questions about my car t o determine the cost. Feel free to ask me at [email protected] with LOOK as the subject. THX""

How much would insurance be on a dodge stealth?

i am going to be sixteen and i may be buying a 92 stealth and i need to know how much insurance would be. it is only a 5,000 dollar car. but the speed meter goes to 160mph.""

If your a 20 yr old female in florida how much do you pay for your car insurance?

I just moved here and want to buy a car but i was wondering how much someone my age pays for insurance. A little help please? actual numbers would help

Car insurance quotes with no deposit for monthly payments? Doe's this still exist?

Saved up for my car, bought it and now abit short of cash and can't afford the large deposit these companies are wanting. Is there a car insurance company who will offer monthly payments without a deposit? My brother done this before but the company he done it with now ask for deposit because I tried.""

What are some affordable life insurance policies for people with diabetes?

What are some affordable life insurance policies for people with diabetes? Looking for $400,000 in coverage.""

How much does insurance cost on an international package mailed via the United States Post Office?

I have to mail a package to France and it weighs less than a pound but the item inside is worth more than $100 and I am curious to know how much it would cost me to insure this package if I were to use USPS.

Car accident? How much should I expect when I settle?

I was in an accident 6 months ago (it was the other persons fault) and I am still going to the chriopractor and doing physical therapy, I got my car paid off which was totalled and this accident has changed my life and many of my plans were changed due to it. Im still in pain and have a scar how much money should I be expecting for my pain and suffering since I already got my property damage. Will I have to pay my medical bills with this money? The other insurance is a branch of allstate (i dont know if that helps)""

Can i insure my car in england with a insurance co in bulgaria to save money?

ive heard that people in england are using insurance companies in bulgaria to insure there cars here at home as it is supposed to be a lot,lot cheaper? and if so does anyone know of these companys?""

Can i park at my aunts to get... a good price on the car insurance?

The insurance is double the amount for cars in my area compared to my aunt who lives at the other side of the town, can i park at hers to get good price on the insurance..?""

How much can I expect to get back from a written off car?

I wrote my peugeot 206 off last week the insurance are sending out a settlement figure as soon as they have valued it etc I was just wondering what sort of pay back you get im not expecting much but am hoping to get a new car with some of the insurance money the value of the car is about 2,500 before the crash.""

Are Saabs reliable and cheap to insure?

Hi, I'm a 16 year old male and I've been wanting a Saab since they are cheap (2004 model) and very nice looking. Do they break down a lot like jaguars and range rovers or are they very good and have no problems? How much a month is it to insure one also?""

Should I change insurance companies? How to change insurance?

If I don't pay insurance, company will cancel insurance, right? I don't link an insurance company to my bank, so I think stop paying, insurance will be cancel. Should I change insurance companies? Someone told me insurance company will increase fee every year, changing company may save money. In my case, I paid $650 for home insurance last year. However, I have to pay $800 this year.""

Baby insurance?

whats a cheap and reliable baby insurance? any advice? my sons a month old

Why is my car insurance so expensive?

I'm 18 and I drive a 2008 dodge caliber. I've been paying 200+ a month on insurance and I'm sick of it. I will be 19 in the summer and have had my license going on 3 years. I have a clean record accident free and incident free. Will my payment ever go down? It's bad enough I'm already a poor college student lol.

English c european car insurance???

I am with tesco which doesnt offer euro car insurance so I'm wondering if theres a company that you can just buy cover for like a month or something without buying the full year?

Whats the average cost for insurance for a corvette? but monthly?

well i want to get a corvette but i want to know the average insurance for it?

Young peoples car insurance?

ok im 17 and i passed my driving test in july but i havent been driving because insurance is too high and i couldnt afford it. So i was holding out for my 18th birthday in jan to see if it went down abit. I have just gone on my weekly check of confused.com and for third party f and t its now 2500 (same as always) but when i change my DOB to 6th december 1992 it goes down to 1544 so does that mean when im 18 in jan i should get a qoute with a similar price or will it stay at 2500? cheers

Car insurance????????

I am a 16 year old boy and for my first car I got a 2005 mustang GT. All of the quotes I have gotten for insurance are between 4000 - 7000 a year. How can I get a much lower price for car insurance. ( please don`t say get a different car )

""Getting a used car, and insurance the same day (which first)?""

Today I will be looking at a used car a costumer has in their mechanics shop. There is a Geico agent right around the corner from where the vehicle is, and I would like to know, if I should get insurance on the car before I test drive it, or after I know I want to buy it. I also would like to know how will I drive it after I have bought it without it's license plates, and if I can would I be able to take it to the DMV, and get plates the same day?""

How much would a doctors check up be without insurance?

Please excuse my grammar, but I'm a bit panicky. I need to know the cost of a doctors check up in California for a 21 year old man without insurance. My boyfriend has been having some chest pains, and we think he sprained his wrist. I'm so worried about him. He can't afford insurance at the moment, due to the fact that he can barely pay for his college classes and food. I need an estimate from anyone who has been in a similar situation. Thank you so much in advance!!""

Best Car Insurance for a teen?????????

im getting my liscence this week && im only 17. i NEED to know, whats the CHEAPEST car insurance to get in los angeles, california??

https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/car-insurance-frank-hill"

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