#i cant envision a future where i have anything i want other than the most basic requirements like food and shelter

[goth-pastoralist]

i really hate my life. so, much. 

[acabecca]

“Say that you wanna be with me too.” JAS AND BUCKY

I have no idea what this is I’m sorry. I wanted to make it longer and set it during THAT episode of fatws but it didn’t make sense to me to do it, even as an au because apparently I am very fussy when it comes to Jas and Bucky 🙄

(also the picture is not what happens in the prompt i just like is lol)

(featuring a surprise cameo by mr steven rogers because my mind cant process that he might possibly be and is most probably the D word) this prompt is unnecessarily long i apologise

*

Pushing her sunglasses up on top of her head, Jas kept hold of the brightly wrapped present and nudged the car door closed with her hip. She heard more than saw the kids playing somewhere over beside the cabin, and she made her way over to place the box in her hands on the table that was already crammed full of gifts.

Pepper had clearly gone all out and so had everyone else, trying to overcompensate for Tony not being around. It was Morgan’s first birthday without him, and Pepper had opted to invite everyone around instead of the two of them spending it alone, trying to distract her daughter with gifts and friends and games so she didn’t dwell too much on the fact that her father would never be at another one of her birthday parties.

“It’s about time you got here.”

“Yeah, sorry, I’m terrible at gift wrapping so I stopped by my aunt’s place so she could make it look pretty for me,” Jas patted the top of the gift and sent Sam a grateful smile as she took the bottle of water he handed to her.

“Uh-huh,” he hummed, peering at the gift tag. “What’d we get her?”

Jas blinked. “We?”

“Me, you, and Bucky.”

“I’m sorry, was this supposed to be from all of us?” Jas’ brow furrowed in confusion. “Because I’m pretty sure I’m the one who hauled my ass all over New York looking for the perfect present for baby Stark, and I don’t recall you or Bucky giving me any money for it.”

Sam groaned loudly. “Come on, Jas. I’ve been busy. I’ve been on a mission.”

“Yes, I know,” Jas nodded her head. “I was with you. I still made time to go shopping for a six year old’s birthday party. You’re terrible! Bucky didn’t get her anything, either?”

“It’s Bucky,” Sam shrugged his shoulders as though that was enough of an explanation and Jas rolled her eyes, lifting her hand to wave at Pepper, who wiggled her fingers in return before rushing back inside the cabin.

“Jasmine!”

Jas turned at the sound of her voice, grinning when she saw Morgan running towards her and crouching down just in time to catch the little girl as she flung herself forwards. “Hey birthday girl! Are you having a good day? Your mom’s done a lot, huh?”

“There are so many cupcakes,” Morgan’s eyes went wide. “Too many to even count! I tried. Did you bring me a present?” she asked curiously.

“I did!” Jas laughed, turning around just in time to see Sam inconspicuously adding his own name to the bottom of the gift tag. “It’s from Sam, too, and Bucky. But you’re not allowed to open it until your mom says so, okay? I think we’re doing gifts later.”

“I know,” Morgan sighed. “She let me open one, though! Well…” she paused thoughtfully. “Clint snuck it to me and told me to open it before anyone saw. He got me a bow and arrow set and Lila is going to teach me how to use it, and Bruce got me a chemistry set so I can learn how to help him in his lab and stuff like my daddy did, and- did you know Bucky can pick me and Nate up with only one arm?”

“He can, huh?” Jas raised her eyebrows. “That’s awesome! Sounds like you’re having a great day, kiddo.”

“Yeah,” she paused again, biting down on her lip. “I’m going to go back to play with Nate, now. Bye Jasmine, bye Sam! Thank you for coming!” she called, sending a wave over her shoulder as she took off running towards the other kids.

“Good thing she got her manners from her mom,” Sam snorted.

“Hmm,” Jas hummed, a soft smile on her face. “Don’t think I didn’t see you adding your name on the gift tag. You add Bucky’s, too? You better had or he’ll feel like shit for not getting her anything. Where is he, by the way?”

“Sitting down by the kids with Steve.”

Jas almost choked on the sip of water she’d just taken and Sam slapped her hard on the back. “Steve?” she squealed, coughing and wiping at her mouth. “Steve, Steve? Steve Rogers, Steve?”

“You know another Steve who’d be here?” Sam asked with raised eyebrows.

“Steve is here and you give me a poxy bottle of water? Dammit, Sam! I need something stronger,” she groaned softly, screwing the lid back on to her water and, spotting the cooler sitting on the grass by the corner of the cabin, she made her way over to it and reached for a beer at the exact same time someone else did. Looking up as her hand connected with someone else’s, she mer a pair of familiar blue eyes and couldn’t stop herself from grinning. “Hey, Buck! I hear you’ve been keeping Morgan and Nate entertained with your impressive strength,” she raised an eyebrow, unscrewing the cap off her beer and taking a long sip. “Have you been here long?” she asked, but Bucky didn’t reply.

Instead, he grabbed two bottles out of the cooler and straightened up, looking between Jas and Sam before sending her a tight smile and turning to walk back in the direction he’d come from, disappearing around the side of the cabin. Jas turned to Sam in bewilderment.

“What was that about?” she asked, but Sam avoided her gaze as he lifted his bottle to his lips. “Sam? He’s been ignoring me for days. What’s wrong with him, did I do something? I know you know something.”

Sighing, Sam ran a hand over his face. “Look, I don’t wanna get involved in whatever it is the two of you have got going on-”

“What?” Jas interrupted. “There’s nothing going on. What are you talking about?”

“Awfully quick on the defence there, James,” Sam smirked. “...I told him I wouldn’t say anything, and I’m not going to, but do you really not know what you did?” he asked, rolling his eyes when Jas shook her head. “Think back a bit. Day before we flew home, you were talking to your auntie. About Steve. About how they could never really replace Captain America, because he was irreplaceable.”

“Yeah…?” Jas trailer off in confusion. “But, I’m right. They can’t? They tried, and look how well it worked out. They’ll never find anyone like Steve.”

“They’ll never find anyone like Steve, or you’ll never find anyone like Steve?” Sam questioned, smirking when Jas’ face paled slightly.

“That- that’s what he- is that what Bucky thinks I meant?”

“Uh-huh.”

“That is not what I meant.”

“I know.”

“And- did you tell Bucky that isn’t what I meant?”

“I tried,” Sam shrugged. “S’not me he needs to hear it from. I’m not the one he’s got a thing for.”

“Shut up, he does not have a thing for me,” Jas grumbled, shoving at Sam’s face and feeling her cheeks heat up as he cackled beside her. “Sam!”

“What? You’re both too good at avoiding what’s been happening between you for months now and I, for one, am sick of it,” Sam pointed at himself. “I’m the one who has to sit in planes and in cramped apartments and shit with the pair of you and honestly? I’m done. I’m tired of it. We’re at a kids birthday party and the sexual tension between the pair of you is so unhealthy-”

“Sam!” Jas repeated, shoving at him again. “We don’t- that is not- there is none of that tension between us.”

Sam scoffed. “Don’t act like you don’t want Barnes to bend you over and-”

“SAM!” Jas shrieked, darting forwards and covering his mouth with her hand, her whole face turning red when she saw the looks Clint, Pepper, and Laura were throwing her. “Jesus, I- okay. Alright. So what if I do? He’s never made a move, has he? So this whole thing is probably just all in your head.”

“If you’re waiting for him to make the first move then you’re gonna be waiting a hell of a long time, baby. He thinks you’re still hung up on Cap and he’s also a 106 year old emotionally constipated ex-assassin. You’re gonna have to be the one who moves in first, or it’s never gonna happen,” Sam told her gently, reaching forwards and taking her drink out of her hand. “You can start by telling him he got it wrong when you said Steve was irreplaceable. Maybe drop in a little ‘Sam was right and you should listen to him more’, maybe make my life a little easier in future.”

Jas paused, chewing on her bottom lip as nerves filled her stomach. This was not how she had envisioned today going. She’d been expecting a lot of laughs, maybe some tears because she hadn’t been out here since Tony’s funeral, good food and lots of drinks, and now she was seriously contemplating dragging Bucky - her best friend - away from everyone so she could apologise for a misunderstanding that had left him brooding for the last five days. She moaned, pulling her sunglasses off her head and running a hand through her hair.

“I can’t just go talk to him,” she whispered. “He’s… He‘s with Steve. I haven’t seen Steve since… everything. It’s rude if I just go and drag Bucky away from an old man-”

“Either you drag him away or I do. I’ll come with you, I’ll keep Steve occupied and you go talk to Bucky. I am literally being your wingman.”

“Living up to your name.”

“Shut the hell up and get your annoying ass over to your equally annoying boyfriend,” Sam snorted, turning her round and pushing her towards where he knew Bucky and Steve were sitting together. Jas let out a squeak and reached behind her to swat his hands away, laughed as she turned the corner and saw Bucky sat beside Steve on a bench in the shade, watching Morgan run around with some of her friends.

Steve spotted her first and he sent a small, unsure wave. Jas smiled softly in reply and tucked her hair behind her ears, her sunglasses perched atop her head again as she came to a stop in front of them.

“Uhm, hi. Bucky, can I talk to you for a second?”

He looked up, squinting against the sunlight. “Sure.”

“Uh,” Jas glanced at Steve. “In private, maybe?”

Bucky shook his head. “I’m just in the middle of talking to Steve.”

“Oh, I don’t mind, Buck,” Steve looked between the two of them, a somewhat knowing look on his face. “You should go with Jas.”

“But-”

“I’ll sit with Gramps, don’t worry about it man,” Sam clapped Steve on the shoulder, not-so-subtly nudging Bucky out of his seat and forcing him to stand up. Huffing, Bucky placed his beer down on the grass and gestured towards the cabin. Jas nodded her head and followed after him, turning to shoot a glare in Sam’s direction when he called a quick “good luck!” after them.

Following Bucky inside, Jas glanced around the cabin, her eyes lingering on the picture above the fireplace, a selfie that Tony has clearly taken of himself, Pepper, and Morgan. Clearing her throat, Jas blinked rapidly as she tried to keep any tears from falling and ignored the way Bucky was watching her.

“You okay?”

“Yeah, you know, it’s just…” she waved a hand towards the picture and Bucky followed her gaze, frowning as he nodded his head.

“We don’t have to stay in here,” he told her. “We can- come on,” he pointed towards the kitchen and Jas trailed after him, coming to a stop by the breakfast bar as Bucky against the worktop opposite her, his arms crossed over his chest. “So uh, you wanna talk?”

“Yeah, I- listen, I didn’t- what I said, about Steve being irreplaceable?” Jas began meekly, and Bucky screwed his eyes shut as he muttered something that sounded suspiciously like ‘I’m gonna kill Wilson’ under his breath. “I think you took it the wrong way.”

“Jasmine, it’s- I- it doesn’t matter-”

“No it does!” she insisted quickly. “It does matter, Buck, because I didn’t mean it the way you think I mean it, and I don’t want you to think that I don’t- I didn’t mean that you’re not…” she paused, trailing off nervously. “You know you’re important to me, right? And I guess I don’t want you to think that there isn’t room in you for life because of my past with Steve, because that’s not what I meant.”

Bucky’s whole face was screwed up, his expression something Jas couldn’t decipher and she almost groaned when she realised he was obviously annoyed by something she had just said.

“You think I want to be a replacement?” Bucky asked carefully. “You think I want to take Steve’s place in your life?”

“No! I mean, I… I don’t know?” Jas replied meekly. “Maybe? I thought you were-”

“I want my own place in your life, Jasmine,” he cut in. “I don’t have any intention of being a replacement for anyone, especially not Steve. I know I could never replace him,” he gestured towards the kitchen window, where they could see Steve and Sam both sat outside of. The two men quickly looked away and Bucky rolled his eyes, pinching the bridge of his nose at his friends making it painfully obvious they were listening in. “I see Steve never learned how to be subtle in his old age.”

“Nope,” Jas bit back a smirk and Bucky sighed, grabbing hold of her arm and leading her away from the window. “Look, I thought maybe we - you and I - I thought that maybe there was something happening? That there was something here between us. Am I wrong?” he asked cautiously. “Tell me if I’m wrong and I’ll stop. I can just be your friend, I don’t need or expect anything else from you, not even your friendship if that’s something you don’t want-”

“…Bucky-”

“I want to be with you, Jasmine,” he admitted, his voice low and his cheeks a little bit pink. “I do. I have for a really long time. And if you say that you wanna be with me too, then great! I can take you out on dates, we can get to know each other beyond friendship. But if you don’t? That’s okay, too. Whatever you decide. I just need to know where I stand,” Bucky kept his gaze on her, his heart thumping so loudly in his chest he was sure Jas would be able to hear it. When she didn’t say anything, his stomach sank and he frowned. “Okay, that’s fine, we can forget that I said anything and-”

“No, wait!” Jas gasped, reaching out and grabbing his arm as he began to turn away from her. She tugged him back towards her, standing on her toes and quickly pressing her lips to his. It was a quick kiss, over in a few seconds, and Bucky had barely had time to respond to it before Jas was dropped back down on her toes and clearing her throat awkwardly, her face red. “Sorry, I… I was processing. I’d really like to go on dates with you, Bucky.”

He grinned. “Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay,” he nodded. “Good. That’s… That‘s good. I’d like that.”

“Bucky.”

“Yeah?”

“You gonna kiss me or am I gonna be the one doing all the heavy lifting in this relationship?” Jas raised an eyebrow and Bucky chuckled, slipping an arm around her and pulling her towards him. He leaned in closer to her, before freezing and looking at her with a furrowed brow. “What is it, Barnes? Did you change your mind already?”

“You don’t still have feelings for Steve, do you?”

“No!” Jas pulled a face. “Bucky. He’s old. Like really old.”

“So am I!”

“Yeah but he looks old.”

“Wow, never had you down for the shallow type, Jasmine.”

She groaned. “Just shut up and kiss me.”

“Okay,” Bucky hummed, finally closing the gap between them and doing as she asked.

Outside, Sam beamed as he peered through the window before he held his hand out to Steve, who sighed and begrudgingly shoved $20 into his waiting palm.

“Don’t think I didn’t see you talking to her, Sam,” Steve grumbled. “You hustled an old man.”

“Yeah,” Sam smiled widely, stuffing the money into the pocket of his jeans. “I did.”

taglist: @sgtbuckyybarnes @mer-writes @foxesandmagic @ohmansebastianstan @chlobenet @jewelswrites-ish @lukespatterson @ocappreciationtag @marveloc-hq (let me know if you want to be added/removed)

[hollywoods-golden-age-imagines]

Meeting and Dating Cosmo Brown

(Not my gif)(Requested by anonymous)

- You met Cosmo while attending one of Monumental Studios movie premieres and after parties as a photographer. You were the only one to snap a few photos of the handsome piano player once he arrived which immediately drew his attention to you. And what a sight stood behind those blinding flashes.

- He quickly composed himself and joined the announcer at the microphone just as Don and Lina showed up. He took the opportunity to sneak a long glance at you as you struggled to keep your place in the front of all the pushing cameramen. You finally fell back, dissapointedly giving up as you waited for the event to start.

- It wasn’t until everyone arrived at the after party that he spotted you again, though that wasn’t for lack of trying; he searched the entire dark theater for you. He made a beeline towards where you were stood, dodging people left and right as he did so.

- You looked at him a bit timidly, thinking you might have done something wrong, before he introduced himself to you and started to make conversation.

- He pretty much proceeded to tail you for the rest of the night, speaking with you as you went around snapping photos. You really didn’t mind, it was nice not being completely ignored at an event for once.

- You’d managed to snap a photo of Lina, post-cake throw which he amusedly told you you had to print him a copy of.

- By the end of the night, the two of you were pretty well acquainted. You began to pack your things, saying goodbye to him as you did so, assuming you’d never really see each other again. That was when he slipped you a sheet of paper with his name and number on it, telling you that it was so you could give him “that picture”.

- You smiled, nodded and wished him a goodnight just as your taxi pulled up to take you away.

- A week later and you were meeting up with the man, framed photo in hand and a smile on your face. He was ecstatic when you handed it to him, telling you how great it was and explaining how rotten Lina was most of the time so you didn’t think he was too cruel. He even promised you an opportunity to photograph Don as a thank you which you gladly accepted.

- It was during that photoshoot that he asked you out on a date; partly due to Dons insistence and threats. He was genuinely surprised when you agreed but boy did he look happy when he realized what you said.

- He took you to an amusement park for your first date. The two of you walked around the place riding everything you could, talking to each other and buying small snacks to eat. You wound up kissing his cheek while the two of you rode the Ferris wheel which prompted him to lean over and lay one on you.

- He was half-expecting you to slap him but he was more than glad that you didn’t. Even though the two of you kissed, he was still a little hesitant when asking if you’d be seeing each other again which you found quite adorable. You obviously agreed and soon enough, you were official.

- He likes to give as much pda as he can get away with. He’s so proud of you and wants everyone to now that you’re together. 

- He often calls you “his better half” or just “beautiful”. He’s incredibly fond of pet names and uses them all the time. 

- Your kisses always make him, at least a little, flustered and giddy, especially when he doesn’t expect them. His ears and cheeks turn a cute shade of red whenever you surprise him with one. 

- Complimenting people is something he’s learned to do well over the years but he must admit, he likes complimenting you far more than he does Don, Lina, or anyone else. 

- He’s not too crazy about movies; he deals with them everyday, he prefers to do something else when you’re looking to have a date. 

- Going dancing. Doesn’t matter what music plays; he’ll always be the best one out on the dance floor. 

- Bowling dates. 

- Rollerskating together. 

- Long dates that carry into the late hours of the evening. He’s a sucker for a goodnight kiss no matter how long you’ve been dating. 

- Handholding; he likes to swing your hands back and forth lightly. 

- He’s sort of shy when it comes to girls so it takes him a little while to really warm up to being in a relationship. When you first started dating, he was always unsure of what to do and when to do it. 

- Pecks on the lips and cheeks. 

- You like to jokingly call him a shadow what with him following either you or Don around constantly. 

- He always tries to be as close to you as he can. He just really likes being next to and touching you. 

- Sitting in his lap. Don’t have a chair? This boy will literally kneel on the floor so you can sit on his leg. 

-  He enjoys sleeping with his face in your chest and his arms wrapped around your waist in a hug. It’s a nice view to wake up to. 

- He can make just about anything into a song. You often catch him singing your name while wandering around. 

- Getting to listen to him play piano whenever you want, he thinks the praise and look on your face make it completely worth it. 

- Nobody ever really pays any attention to him so he adores it whenever you do.  He has a tendency to try and make listening to him worth your while; jokes, amusing stories, etc, because he thinks you should be somewhat compensated for doing so since no one else does. You always assure him that he doesn’t have to worry and that he could never bore or disappoint you. 

- He greatly enjoys being able to impress you, showing off his different impressive and comedic skills. He’s really a talented individual. 

- Making faces at each other. 

- Reading The Funnies together. It’s part of your morning routine.

- This man loves to hear you laugh and see you smile; it’s his favorite thing in the entire world. He’s constantly fooling around and telling jokes in an effort to see you do so. He’s a professional jokester so it’s pretty easy for him to have you in stitches. 

- Doing impressions of each other or other people. You may not be as skilled at doing so as he is but he loves it anyway. 

- Getting to hear his stories and the truth behind Don’s actual rise to success. It’s certainly hard to envision Don Lockwood as anything but a movie star though it’s definitely fun to try. 

- He still has a habit of waiting around for his buddy only now he has a girl to do it with. Sometimes you really have to wonder whether he’s in love with the man himself.

- He’s a bit of a smartass so the two of you exchange lovingly snide remarks often.

- He doesn’t get jealous very often, he trusts you wholeheartedly; he sort of has to be able to when you’re around his best friend, he just doesn’t trust other men. Whenever he does get jealous, he either forces himself to act completely friendly or pretends to be friendly while trying to make a fool of the other man. 

- Attending the Monumental Studios events with him. He has fun matching his outfit to yours. 

- Double dates with Kathy and Don. 

- He likes leaning his head on yours whenever you lay your head on his shoulder. He’ll usually press a kiss to your forehead before he does. 

- If you need an idea, without fail, he’s sure to have one. 

- He always has a joke ready but he isn’t afraid to get serious whenever you need him to. 

- A wonderful motivator, Cosmo always knows exactly what to say to cheer you up or get you in the right state of mind. 

- There’s really no better partner in crime than him; always loyal and never jealous of your success. 

- He always seems to be able to look on the bright side of things which helps when things aren’t going well. You can’t help but absorb some of his optimism when you’re feeling down. 

- He’s good at coming up with solutions which is partly why the two of you rarely argue. Who needs to fight when their boyfriend can always create a compromise or fix things?

- He isn’t afraid to apologize whenever he’s wrong, giving you a sincere “sorry” then making a few jokes to cut the tension once everything’s resolved. 

- Saying or hearing “I love you” makes him happy yet bashful. He doesn’t say it often but sometimes he just cant help himself, oftentimes exclaiming it while pulling you excitedly into his arms. 

- He’s certainly planning on tying the knot in the near future. He can’t imagine a life without you. In his eyes, he may have nothing else but at least he has you. 

[oikawa13]

love in the time of köttbullar

Shouyou sets the bowl on the tiny table with a flourish and an itadakimasu! and this is when it hits Atsumu harder than a Skurup to the temple:He wants this. Shouyou, hip cocked against the miniature kitchen countertop, smiling shyly up at Atsumu through the amber fan of his lashes, beautiful god-boy-man somehow glowing gold even under the buzzy LED lighting. Though they’re standing in a 430,000 square foot warehouse in Tsurumachi, Atsumu’s looking at Shouyou, and he’s home.

Amid the Flärdfull and the Smörboll, Miya Atsumu falls a little more in love.

words: 3,378 | rating: T

i’ve never been inside an ikea so this fic quite literally changed me as a person. sometimes loving a person is as scary as saying that first i love you!!!! and sometimes... love is easy as saying i love you at an ikea ; ;

LAUNCHING MERRILY DOWN THE PATH OF SIN (THE FIRST TIME)

"Bokuto said I should bring you home. But I don’t know where you live. So I took you here.”

“To hell?”

"No, Atsumu-san. To my apartment."

words: 1,990 | rating T

i wake up in the middle of the night thinking about this fic and then go on ao3 to reread it again its just so fdjgfhdjf good. i think about this shoyo a lot. theres something!!!! very dreamy going on here. this is the first part to a series btw, you can read them all if you want since theyre probably all around 1k :-)

lord i no longer believe in anything but the way he holds my name between his teeth

The miracle of the rabbit on the moon.

“We took this photo at their seventh birthday party. His father baked a cake. But someone ate all the jellybeans off the top before they could even sing the birthday song. That’s why Atsumu cried. He used to cry a lot. It stopped when the twins found out about volleyball, but before that Atsumu would cry over everything. Spilled milk. A skinned knee. The neighbor’s dog. He was the twin that was scared of paper straws. It's funny how things have changed.

“He looks happier now. Did you do that?”

words: 10,456 | rating: T

so, this goes just a liiiiitle past 10k so its up to you if you want to read it or not, i just thought i’d include it since its so! close! lol theres this part!!!!! they are holding hands underneath the table!!!!!!!!! atsumu are you drunk?!!! no!!!!! hes just so stupidly in love with shoyo. i cant stand them!!!!!!!!!!!

wait for it, wait for it

The notifications are up at 100+ again and Hana wants to check it quickly to make sure nothing's wrong, especially because she'd just cleared them before the media scrum. The fans, she figured, must be overjoyed with the win.Congratulations MSBY Nation!!! the first reply reads. #myspiker #atsuhinaBoth tags, she finds, are currently trending in Japan.

Five times #atsuhina trended on volleyball Twitter and one time it should have (but luckily didn't), as told by the MSBY Black Jackals' junior publicist

words: 6,043 | rating: T

this fic is SOOOOO much fun!!!!!! also i love hana, idk if i ever mentioned that before but yeah. this is like... hdjkdhgjfd so much ; ; <3

south of an early summer

Warmth, then, was being wanted back. Two weeks later, Atsumu holds that warmth in by Shouyou’s waist; he watches it, how it sleeps, and wonders what the heat will become next.

words: 2,602 | rating T | tw: atsumu being atsumu about (past) kg/hn for a split second

IF i wasnt an absolute fool and gave you all these recommendations to pick and choose from id just send you this and the walking emoji bc honestly!!!!!!!!! i may not know what the heck romantic means but i see this and maybe it is romantic! maybe its not the average romantic idk?!!!! but i do know theres something beautiful here. love ?? ; ;

truths in two’s

Shouyou leaves for Brazil in two hours.

words: 8,300 | rating: T

LDR.... but like, in probably one of the easiest 2 breathe/good feeling fic for ldr!!!! idk im a baby!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ten reasons to break up with me: a love letter

1. It has to be you, ‘cause I won’t.

words: 4,197 | rating: T

pls....... i cant even THINK about this fic without crying okay!!!!!!!! insane. fuckign!!!! i love it so much, so much. it lives in my heart. this is the fic where i was like... i dont believe in love. yes i do. no<3 YES!!!!!!!! and cried and paced my room and finally FINALLY!!!!!! stopped feeling so hurt about hinata leaving for brazil again lmao!! like, i cant explain. this sounds crazy right???? anyway, i think... atsuhina can love each other so much it hurts when theyre apart but their love is so.... i mean......... they literally waited years to play together... so......... their love keeps them going..... GOODBYE!!!! i love listening to fka twigs cellophane & home with you and just..... being insane. 

just can’t help myself

Five times Hinata takes care of Atsumu, and one time Atsumu returns the favor.

words: 5,025 | rating: T

*think about atshn taking care of each other* *cries*

blue crush

And there’s a promise there, sewn into the easy curve of his lips: I’m not going anywhere, Atsumu-san. Glittering eyes that cut through the rain-blurry dark like a beacon when Shouyou turns back to look up at him. Even if you fuck up all of our dates.

Murphy’s Law as demonstrated by Miya Atsumu.

words: 2,297 | rating: T

atsumu trying very hard to have things perfect and romantic and even in the failures its still very lovely<3

If I’m Icarus, You Must be the Sun (Allow me Three Mistakes)

He wonders if Icarus felt like nothing was wrong with self-destructing, because he had reveled in the sun, if only for a little while.

Atsumu finds, loving Hinata is the same.

Atsumu's love over the years, and the mistakes that accompany it.

words: 4,620 | rating: T

i am...very weak to the whole icarus/sun thing with hinata and his ships. this one though......... i think about it A lot.

in your eyes, i see our future

“Yer’ a real sweetheart, Hinata Shouyou.”

Shouyou smiles brilliantly. “Only for you~”

He scoots over so Shouyou can sit next to him. He can smell the pineapple body wash Shouyou is so fond of the moment he sits down. Shouyou passes the tray over carefully before settling against the headboard comfortably.

“What’s the occasion?"

(Or, Atsumu just really wants to marry Shouyou.)

words: 9,769 | rating: T

fhdsjjkjfdsj goes crazy stupid over marriage!!!!! listen... i do not believe in marriage!!!!! but for atsuhina, oh you bet i do!!!! :-)

breathing a hello

There’s no significance to them ending up here except that both of their lives are held in the sway of volleyball. Everything else comes second.That’s the crux of it, really.

words: 2,826 | rating: T

gjhfsjkfd shhhhhhhhh. my heart is very soft when i think of them here, please..... just!!!! pls.

if you’re out there in the cold, i’ll cover you in moonlight

My [23M] best friend and ex-boyfriend [23M] is visiting me for a week, and my current boyfriend [24M] who agreed to all of this is suddenly withdrawing from me. Can I get some advice? Please? Anyone?

words: 8335 | rating: T | chapters: 3 | tw: past kg/hn 😳

this one is optional since you wanted one shots and theres 3 chapters here. my idea of romantic is...well, i especially love when one of them is acting hurtful/mean/difficult to the other bc their own personal issues but the other loves them anyway??? and then they work on that issue!!! just!!!!! ; ;

Love in the Time of Insomnia

And anyway Hinata was sprinting out faithfully after Atsumu, who had keys to the gym like a badass, and who was going to give his spikers a few more tosses after-hours without Meian knowing like the greatest, most generous badass the Jackals had ever seen. 

words: 2,457 | rating: G

running four kilometers just so atsumu can rest. this is what romantic means!!!! hdkshjfhdj

ode to what you’d have been

5 times it’s Kageyama’s fault and the 1 time Hinata realizes it has never been.

words: 3,628 | rating: G

loving someone including their flaws PART 2!!!!!! ok.... u might be like... um... this is romantic? hfdkhjfd LISTEN!!!! to me!!! there is nothing more romantic than being in love with someone and the ugly parts of them. going, i love you, all of you. and communication!!! and understanding!!! and feeling terrible and shitty and horrible but having the one you love accept you. and trying to help ease your mind, worries. *sobs real hard* also shout out 2 ‘okaaayy.... i hate sakusa now’

a shrine for a  boy

Despite his uncertainty about how to tell Atsumu of his move to São Paulo, Hinata takes action. Things do not go according to plan.

words: 2,447 | rating: G

hinatas time 2 be romantic and fail but its ok bc!!!!!!!!!! :-) they are just dummies in love<3

the greatest distance between you and longing is defeat

(In other words: Atsumu, let go. I’m here now.)

words: 3,310 | rating: G

um... *cries* post break up.... o_o!!!! god they really thought they could????? lmao!!!!!!

the tear in this (our gentle language)

“I’m going back to Brazil.”

He isn’t asking for permission. This isn’t a consultation. Hinata Shouyou informs his boyfriend at their after-practice practice. Miya Atsumu has a volleyball in each arm, trying to pick up a third. It drops and rolls away from him. The thud resounding in an empty gymnasium.

Shouyou had tried to envision Atsumu’s reaction many times. He never expected to be met with silence.

Alternatively: an exploration of Hinata Shouyou’s return to Brazil

words: 7,204 | rating: M

ldr CAN be romantic ok!!!!!!!! it takes a lot of communication, time, and love ; ;

evening sun

Atsumu looks at Shouyou and thinks, I want to know every inch of you.

words: 1,502 rating: M

[chocojjk]

Eggs

summary: badboy! changbin if you squint 

words: 7k

warnings: one mention of death by illness

a/n: this took way too long cause i got so lazy lmfao, slide into my inbox with prompts cause idk what to write after this 

not edited per usual, im lazy :(((

you and changbin lived in different worlds

changbin has always been the schools most notorious bad boy

along with his group, 3racha

he was the typical bad boy -- gets into fights, wears leather, barely shows up to class, etc.

after watching countless of rom-coms, you and i, reader, should know that bad boys like to keep to themselves

and they won't bother you unless you cross their territory, not at all different from changbin

someone bullies one of his friends???

you might as well run now , because he will be coming for your ass

he catches you talking shit?

you should probably say goodbye to your mouth and have a doctors appointment ready

the point im trying to make is that seo changbin does not take shit from anyone

which doesn't really matter at this point because everyone has learned to fear him

on the other hand, you're, what they say is a “good girl”

too caught up with your books and your grades, in the library 24/7, worrying too much about the future you envision

you stayed away from drama as much as possible, happy with the 2-3 friends that you have  

and,,,

well,,,

you probably saw this coming,, but just in case you didnt, ill say it

your two different worlds are about to collide

---------------

youve been searching for a little over 20 minutes to where he could be when you finally spotted him at the table all way in the back of the library

you let out the deepest sigh, you shouldve figured he would choose that table jfc

‘he really is sticking to his reputation’ you think to yourself as you made your way over to him

“hi, im y/n, i'm your tutor,” you say, giving him a soft smile

changbin doesn't even bother to reply to you as he got up and left

you were left standing there like,,,

what the fuck just happened ??

before you finally snapped out of your confused trance and chased after him

catching up to him you grab his arm, putting a complete halt to his movement

and suddenly the library was even quieter than it should be

every single eye in the room focused on the interaction that lies in front of them

the notorious bad boy and the goody two shoes,,, how incredibly cliche

he looks at you, his eyes dark and unreadable

the expression on his face was emotionless yet it felt like he was crushing you under his stare

finally noticing that your hand was still gripped around his arm, you quickly let go, letting out a small “ehem”

the tension in the air was thick, it felt like someone just put a dark cloud above your head and you couldn’t blow it away

god damn this was awkward

not even the good awkward where you can laugh about it later, this is the kind of awkward situation that hits you in the middle of the night and suddenly you're just cringing at every bad thing you have done in the past

“uhm, im suppose to tutor you,” you try to say confidently as soon as you found your voice, but really it was barely above a whisper

“maybe show up on time,” he says, his voice as dark and as strong as his aura

and with one final look at you, he walked out of there

you didnt bother anymore, you knew you were at fault

‘we’ll try again tomorrow,’ you think to yourself before your best friend, hyunjin walked up to you, pulling you outside the library  

“dude are you okay?”

“uhmm, why wouldn’t i be?”

“i just saw you talking to changbin”

“ok and ?”

“he’s bad news y/n,” your best friend says, warning you

“ i dont really have a choice hyunjin” you reply

you think back to 3 days ago when you were called to the principal's office

not gonna lie, you were shaking in your boots,, only bad kids get randomly sent to the principal's office

as you entered the room, Mrs. Seo was already waiting for you behind her desk

“hi ms. l/n, i dont think weve formally met,” she says, reaching out to shake your hand

“ its nice to meet you”

“ please, sit down, make yourself comfortable,” she continued, pointing to the seat right in front of her

sensing your nervousness she quickly added a, “don't worry, you're not in trouble”

phew

your brain was starting to hurt from trying to rack what you must have done wrong to be seated in the big office

“ why am i here then if you don't mind me asking?”

“ ah yes, i need you to tutor my son”

,,,,,

oh

(◎_◎;)

,,,

“umm, why me?”

“you're top 1 in the class, is there anyone better than you to do it?”

well,,, she wasn't wrong

you mentally pat yourself at the back for this, happy that your efforts were being noticed

“don't worry ms. l/n, if you succeed, i’ll make sure you get into any college that you desire “

‘pshhhh, im top 1 ms seo, i can do that on my own’ you think to yourself 

“....and fully paid for.”

well, shit , how can you say no to that offer

its literally free education right in your fingertips  

what's the catch??

“ you can do that?” you ask

“ of course. i know very important people. so what do you say?”

and after a few minutes of contemplating within yourself, you finally agreed

“ also, while you're at it, i want you to change my son's reputation.”

and there it is

“ i'm sorry?” you reply,, maybe you just misheard the fact that she literally asked you to change her son

“ i don't just want you to tutor him in english, i want you to make him a better person.”

“how do you expect me to do that?”

“be his friend. teach him the ways of life, i'm not always gonna be around to get him out of trouble. You're a smart girl ms. l/n you'll figure it out.”

without giving you a final say, she ushered you out of there but not before she added

“ one last thing ms. l/n, dont tell anyone about this.”

the way she said it was so scary, and its like a spell was casted on you and you could only utter out an

“ of course mam”

i guess from her standpoint, she made sense

“ i just dont understand why Mrs. Seo chose you out of all the people”

“ we’ve already gon over this hyunjin”

“ yeah yeah, its cause youre the smartest of the class-”

hyunjin continues to talk however you’ve tuned him out as your eyes went to focus on changbin, himself

greeting the rest of his friends, an actual smile on his face, much different from the changbin you encountered a couple minutes ago

he gets up on his motorcycle and was about ready to put his helmet on when he felt someone staring at him ( i told yall, tYpiCAl bad boy )

he whips his head around in quick search for the culprit

and for the second time that day, you found yourself looking in the dark brown eyes of the the one and only, seo changbin

his smile quickly disappearing once he found your eyes

putting on his helmet whilst still maintaining the eye contact, he quickly drove away and you can't help but continue to just watch his figure retreat to the size of a dot until he was completely away from your line of vision

the next day - friday

you were in the library, seated in the table changbin used the day before

unlike yesterday, you were there dummy early

exactly 30 minutes before the actual tutoring session

he wasn't going to get away this time

finally , the chair across from you gets occupied, a backpack loudly flopping its way unto the table

he doesn't say a word,

he doesn't even look at you

he just sits there, staring at the table between you guys

“uhm, i think we got on the wrong foot yesterday, im y/n”

you say, a wide smile on your face, trying to change the atmosphere

he scoffs at this

‘omyfuckinggod who does he think he is���

‘im gonna fucking murder this kid’

‘his mom was right when he said he needed to change’

as much as you wanted to just punch him in the face, you plastered a small smile on your face instead

“should we start?” you continue

“i guess”

for the next hour, you learn that changbin doesn’t even need tutoring

he was definitely smarter than he lead on

he knew the answer to every single question you asked and didnt even seem like he was trying 

“uhmm, changbin can i ask you something?”

he just nods at you, urging you to go on

“are you failing your class on purpose?”

and with that he stands up, giving you a small smirk, “i think this session is over,”

“i-okay- i-i’ll see you on monday!” you say even though he was already a good 5 feet away from you  

-----------

as you laid in your bed that night, you wondered why the boy chose to fail his class

but no matter what scenario you could think of, you just cant understand it

is this what privileged people do ?

they know that they can get away with anything so they dont even try ?

‘aish, why am i thinking about him,’

‘y/n stop it’

‘ahhhhh’

you tried forcing yourself to sleep, to completely shut off all thoughts

but damn that stupid smirk on his face just keeps reappearing

and with that you slapped your pillow unto your face, not at all excited for the days to come

saturday night - 9 pm

to be honest, you weren't the type to go out on a saturday night

however you stayed in bed the whole day binging your netflix shows that you completely forgot to run your errands

so now you're here, at the local supermarket, buying your weekly groceries

you may be asking why can't your parents just do it?

well,,,

you only live with your mom, and she was very busy running the night shift at the hospital + picking up extra shifts

so she's really never home 

and when she is, she crashes right to sleep, exhausted from work

so ever since two years ago, when you turned 16, this has been the life that you were used to

you weren't complaining of course, she was only working to provide for you and your future

the least you could do is help around the house

after a good 7 minutes, you finally gathered everything that you needed

eggs, check

bread, check

peanut butter, check

a bag of hot cheetos,,,, check check and check

you nodded, proud of yourself for finishing it so fast and made your way to your car until a loud crash stops you from doing so

the next thing you know, you were being dragged into the alleyway

“1!!!!1111! I- get off of me,” you say thrashing and kicking, trying to get away

‘oh god, im gonna die tonight,’

‘if there is a god out there,, pls,,, not tonight’

‘i haven't finished my netflix series yet,, plssss’

however your thoughts were cut short when your captor whispered, “shhh, its changbin”

changbin??

chaNgbIN???

chANGBIN???

he finally turns you around, making you face him

“play along if you don't want to get hurt,”

and in one quick motion, his lips were on yours,,,

seo changbin was kissing you

your eyes open, stunned at what was happening

and then you noticed it...5 men walking around the area

and hoping that you've watched the right dramas, you pieced together what you think is happening

leading you to closing your eyes and kissing him back

which honestly caught changbin off guard, “good girls” dont react this way???

but he’d never let you know that, as he pulled you closer to him,

his arms snaking  around your waist

your hands going around his neck, the grocery bag being forgotten

yall were full on making out now

too caught up with each other’s taste to even notice the 5 guys leaving

(((im really bad at writing these kinds of scenes jfc, this sounds awkward as hell pls just picture it)))

until finally after like 23823 years, you pulled away, trying to catch your breath

damn, that kiss was good

probably the best one you’ve ever had

what????

just cause you're a goody-two-shoes doesn't mean you haven't been kissed before okay,,, were not going THAT cliche

he slowly lets go of you, his eyes darting to the grocery bag on the ground

“your eggs are broken,” he says

“m-my eggs?”, you reply, still on cloud nine,

following his gaze, you snapped out of your daze

“oh, r-right, my eggs,” you say softly, a frown making its way upon your face

changbin grabs your hand, pulling you towards the grocery store

“what are you doing?”

as usual, he doesn’t reply

honestly, you should be used to this by now

he dashes around the supermarket

you were right behind him, trying to keep up with his fast paced speed

finally, he gets to his location, the egg aisle

“which one do you want?”

“what?”

“eggs, which one?” he replies

“uhm, you don't have to, i can ju-”

“i'm not doing this for you,” he replies, cutting you off

you looked at him , not knowing what he meant

‘if he wasn't doing it for me then who the fuck is he buying these eggs for, i don't see anyone else here’

sensing your dumbness he grabbed a carton of the most expensive eggs and made his way to the cashier, pulling you along  

and you don't know why, or what has gotten into you, but all you could do was watch and follow

“here. were even now.” he says, before walking away, leaving you in front of the grocery store, holding a carton of eggs

monday

and now we’re back to the start of the week

which means another week of tutoring

as you waited for changbin to show up at the usual spot, you can’t help but think back to two nights ago

the feeling of his lips against yours all a distant memory yet at the same time, one that you could still remember clearly

“hey,” changbin says, breaking you out of your thoughts

“hi?” you reply, confused as to why he even greeted you in the first place

you guys do the usual, read a couple of flash cards, learn new words blah blah blah and all that boring crap that you learn in a high school English class

at one point you guys find yourself just sat in silence, and you can’t help but ask the question that’s been on your mind since Saturday night

“so who were those guys?”

“doesn’t concern you��

“uhm, the fact that you had your tongue down my mouth says otherwise,”

changbin was shocked, he wasn’t used to people responding to him the way you just did

don’t you know who he is???

he gives you one of his signature smirks, regaining his composure

“you liked my tongue being down your throat,” he says teasingly

o_O

＜(。_。)＞

excuse me what

is he flirting with you ??

what’s happening ??

“who said I did?” you say mimicking his tone, not allowing yourself to back down of this conversation

after Saturday night you told yourself that you were never going to just watch and follow

if you didn’t want the damn egg, you should’ve said something, you were so disappointed in yourself

you had your own brain, you can make your own decisions

besides you were here to be in control over him, not the other way around

“oh cmon, you’re really gonna try to refute it??” he says, the stupid smirk still evident on his stupid face

god, how you wish you could just smack it off

with your mouth

wait, who said that???

“you enjoyed it just as much as I did,” you say, knowing that if you answer then he would stop

and you were right, he completely shut his mouth and let the silence envelop you once again

“they were kids from another school,”

you look up at him, shocked that he actually answered

“why were they looking for you?”

“I may have keyed their car,” he says chuckling

“Because?”

“Isn’t that enough questions y/n?”

y/n

that was the first time he’s ever said your name

and you weren’t gonna lie, you liked how it sounded

“sorry”

“it’s fine”

“i don’t want to question it but why are you being so nice?”

“you helped me out without questioning me which means you trust me. im just returning the favor.”

“so, what im hearing is , you trust me?”

<(￣︶￣)>

“don’t make me have to say it out loud”

trust

you don’t know how you did it so quickly,

maybe the gods are at your side, but you finally got thE seo changbin to trust you

2  weeks later

you’ve been tutoring changbin just the same

same time

same table

same library

however, so much has changed

mostly the dynamic of your guys’ relationship

it was like he was a totally different person

like I said before, changbin was smart

but in these last couple of days, you realized just how smart he actually was,

he can honestly probably give you a run for your money

and because of this, your past tutoring sessions have ended up with you guys just laughing and joking around

weird, right ?

changbin and laughing ?

who would’ve thought ??

even onlookers were surprised

and everytime changbin laughed at one of your guys’ silly antics, you swear you can hear a pin drop

the whole room just becomes silent

at first, it bothered you how people were just listening in to your conversation, obviously judging the scene

but as the days went by and it seemed that changbin could care less, you started not caring either

and if you were being completely honest, you looked forward to spending time with him

when changbin was with you, it was just you and changbin, nothing else

he somehow manages to make you forget about reality

“lets ditch tutoring sessions today,” he says as soon as he took the seat next to you

“changbin, no”

“c’mon y/n, live a little”

“excuse you! I do have a life!”

“making out with your homework and watching Netflix shows 24/7 is not a life”

“okAy, now you’re just being mean,” you say, pouting at him

“im not being mean, I’m being honest,”

“yeAH and?? no one asked for your honesty,”

changbin laughs at this

lately he found himself laughing more

and for once, he didn’t mind it

you were doing something to him

and he liked it

“cmon, I’m not taking no for an answer,” he says, packing up your things

you sigh in defeat

you know that once changbin sets his mind to something, there's no changing it

so here you are, standing in front of an abandoned music building

“uhhhh, what are we doing here?”

“have you ever trespassed before?” he replies, a smug smile on his face

“nu-uh nope, no way in hell changbin!” you say, your attempt to stop this from happening

however, changbin was already making his way towards the door, completely breaking the lock

aannnndd

he was inside  

“c’mon y/n,” he says reaching out his hand to yours

even though all you need to do is take two steps forward and you're officially a criminal

you were scared shitless

what happens if you get caught omg

almost like he was reading your mind, he quickly says, “y/n, ive been here over a million times and ive never gotten caught,”

“i dont know changbin”

“hm, thats too bad, i wanted to share a secret with you,” he says, a hint of playfulness in his voice before he stepped out of the building and made his way towards his motorcycle

but of course,,,

you being a nosy bitch

“wait,”

“yes?”

“lets go inside”

you guys enter the building, the rooms getting darker and darker the deeper you go (this building is huge okAY)

if you weren't shitting your pants before, you definitely are now 

an abandoned building???

and its dark???

youve seen this in every scary movie out there

it never goes well

“uhm changbin,” you whisper, as you guys continue to walk

“hm”

“i-um can i hold your hand? im scared and - actually you know what its fine its dumb you dont hav-”

but before you can even finish your sentence, his hand were already laced around yours, providing you the comfort and security that you were looking for

you shut your mouth after that, just letting changbin lead the way

passing by so many rooms, each one looking the same as the other, it was starting to feel like a maze

however , changbin seemed to know exactly where to go

‘I guess he has been here over a million times’ you thought to yourself

“were here,” he says, opening the door and letting go of your hands as he reached out for the lights

not gonna lie, you were missing the way his hand felt around yours but thats not the time to think about that

“a music room?” you asked, clearly puzzled

“yeah, you might not know this about me but i can spit barsss,” he says, letting out chuckle

“eyE”

“you dont believe me huh”

“absolutely not”

“ok, watch this”

and with that he entered the recording booth, of course not after he pressed a bunch of buttons

honestly , you have no idea what he’s doing

but as soon as he put the headphones on

*cue any 3racha song because im too indecisive to choose one*

he was,,

indeed,,,

spitting bars

you could not believe your ears

who the fuck is this

you stood there, stunned at the fact the he was rapping about real shit and not something stupid and meaningless (rip wow, she is meaNinGFUL to me okAY)

after he finished rapping, the room was absolute silent

changbin felt dumb, he thought you were gonna praise him but there you were not uttering a single word,

he need you to say something ,anything,, hell, you can even laugh

he’d prefer anything over the silence  

he’s literally the ‘i just showed u my dick pls respond’ meme but its like ‘i showed u my talent pls validate me’

avoiding to make eye contact with you, he walks out of the recording booth

sitting on the couch against the wall, he finally breaks the silence

“so yeah, thats a song my friends and i wrote, its stupid-”

“its not stupid.” you say quickly

“oh?”

“since when where you into this?” you ask, curiosity filling your eyes, taking the seat right next to him

“what do you mean? music?? everyone’s into music y/n” changbin retorts, not wanting to go into detail

“hhhh, you know what i mean changbin,”

changbin doesnt know why

but he wanted to share this side of him with you

maybe because you were the first person that he has ever allowed himself to be close with

or maybe it was because you stuck around him for this long, no one, besides chan and jisung were able to do that

whatever it was, he wants to keep you by his side

he figured that showing you his true self would do just that

so after having a battle with his inner thoughts, he finally says

“my dad was really into this stuff, he taught me everything i know,” changbin beamed

“oh! thats really cool, do you still make music with him?” you say, genuinely interested, youve never really heard about his dad before

“uhmm, hes not really around for me to do that,”

aaaannd,,, thats why,, god reader smh

“oh, im sorry,” you say softly, mentally slapping yourself

“no its okay, you didnt know….he passed away when i was 11”

“what happened?,,,, y-you dont have to tell me if you dont want to,” you quickly added

“I want to,” changbin says, reassuring you

“he just,,, he just died in his sleep, apparently it was a stroke,” sighing, he looked up at the ceiling, trying to hold back his tears

“you must miss him,” you say, your voice still soft

for the first time since youve met changbin, he resembled a piece of glass

so fragile

he was giving you a piece of him, letting you see clearly a part of who he was

and all you wanna do is make sure that you won’t break that piece

“he built this studio...wanted to start his own music company,” he continued as you sat there just listening to him

“my mom hates it though, she stopped funding this place as soon as she can,”

oh

the mention of his mom suddenly brought you back to the deal that you have made 2 weeks ago

and god, you felt guilty

you were here, trying to change him, when nothing should be changed

sure seo changbin had a bad reputation but he is not bad

he’s just protective is all

to be honest, he was one of the kindest, gentlest soul you have met

“i promised myself that i would continue our dream, for him and me, but mostly for him,”

“i-is that why youre failing your classes?” you ask, everything finally piecing together

“huh?”

“you dont care about school because you already know what you want to do...where you want to be”

“hm, you truly are a smart girl y/n,” he says before nodding and flashing you a smile

those words

so similar to the ones his mom has given you

but this time you weren't in the mood to pat yourself in the back

because shit, this is thE dumbest thing you've ever done in your life

after hearing this, you made up your mind, you werent gonna partake in this deal anymore

if you were really as smart as everyone says, you can get into the school you want without any problem

sure it won't be free, but your mom aint working her ass off during her nightly shifts for nothing

and so, right when you go to school tomorrow, you were determined to end it

you’d still tutor changbin, you just won't accept any of the perks that came along with it

“thank you for sharing this with me,” you say genuinely, a smile creeping unto your face

“thank you for caring enough to listen,” changbin replies, his smile getting wider

and then it hits you,

“wait, so you mean to tell me that this is YOUR studio all along??”

and at this changbin lets out the loudest laugh

and you can't help but mirror his actions

1 week later

oof, that time jump, i thought you were gonna end it the next day reader

welp,,

you work hard, but somehow satan, aka the author, works harder

Mrs. Seo had to leave for two weeks, attending board meetings around the country, and whatever principals do,,, i'm too lazy to research what they actually do  

╥﹏╥

and so you spent another week, with seo changbin by your side

one week down, another to go

and when that day comes, you can finally freely hang out with him without all the guilt eating you up

this week you guys even hung out outside of the library

you’ve been with him so much, even your friends have started to notice it

“y/n, are you coming with us to the movies,” felix asks

“oh,, umm sorry guys, i cant,”

“who else are you gonna be with? i thought we were your only friends,” minho pointed out, a pout on his face  

“with changbin of course,” hyunjin hissed, obviously upset that you have been pushing them to the side  

“ i can hang out with anyone that i want,” you argued, really not having any of his attitude 

“ you shouldnt hang out with people like him,” hyunjin retorted

you scoffed, “what’s that supposed to mean?”

“i mean blink once if youre being held captive” hyunjin joked, as the rest of the table snickered

however, you didn't find it funny,

who were they to talk about changbin like that??

they didnt even know him

and so you stood up, leaving all your friends calling out for you

-------------

walking to the table, you flopped down on your chair, slamming your backpack on the floor

“what's got you in such a bad mood?” changbin asks

“nothing,” you huffed, getting your materials out of your backpack

you didn't want to tell changbin that your best friends think hes the devil himself and didn't want you around him

meanwhile , changbin was annoyed

it seems like he's shared so much with you since the music room yet he still barely knows anything about you

he wondered that maybe you didn't want to be in his life the way he wanted to be in yours

but fuck it, he’s just gonna spend the time he has with you enjoying it rather than filling his mind with negative thoughts

but damn, you're frown was really bothering him

“y/n,” he says, calling out to you

no response

“y/n,” he continues, poking you on the elbow

still no response

“y/n”

You sigh, looking up at him, an emotionless expression on your face, you responded with a strong, “what.”

*insert changbin doing aegyo*

and with that , you lost it

you were an absolute madman

you never expected that the one and only seo changbin

notorious badboy

would ever do aegyo

all because you had a stupid frown on yourself

you laughed so loud

changbin doing the same as soon as your melodic laugh hit his ears

which resulted to you guys being kicked out of the library

-------------

“ i cant believe you got me kicked out of my favorite place,” you say, seated in a booth inside the ice cream parlor near your guys’ school

another one of changbins ideas

“ hey its not my fault you laugh like a hyena!” he says smiling before you threw a curled up paper tissue at his face

a couple of seconds later, after your laughter has died down

“ so, you want to tell me now why you were in such a sour mood?”

you knew that if you werent gonna tell him now that would still end up finding out about it from someone else

and so you came clean

“ its just my friends,,,, they dont think youre a good influence, wants me to stop hanging out with you” you say

“ oh,”

“ but dont worry!, i didnt listen to them, i actually told them off,” you confessed

“ why didnt you listen to them? theyve been your friends longer than youve known me?” he asks

“ because they dont know you” you reply, “and im sure if they did, they would also be friends with you”

as much as he appreciated the way you stood up for him, he didnt want you going through all that trouble 

‘god, what did he even do to deserve an angel like you,’ changbin thinks to himself 

“ don't tell them off next time,” he grunted

“ wh-what?”

“ everything they say about me is true”

“ changbin, no its not”

“ honestly y/n it doesnt bother me so dont let it bother you”

“ why doesnt it bother you?” you ask, wanting to know the reason

“ because its high school. after this, literally no one would care anymore. and then real life starts, people move on and worry about bigger things, things that actually matter more than the status quo. let them say what they say.”

and just like every other time, changbin has left you stunned

the arrival of Ms. Seo - tuesday 

a week has passed since the ice cream parlor

and Ms. Seo was back in town

this was it

the day you finally put a halt to it

and you were beyond ready

you haven't seen changbin all day

you figured that since his mom was back then he was also back to avoiding the school like it was a plague

you entered Ms. Seos room, determined

“Ms. Seo -”

She puts a hand up to her lips, signaling you to be quiet

‘bitch omygod i literally cant keep doing this any longer,’

‘its already been over a month’

so you ignored her warning

“im not doing this deal anymore. I’ll still tutor changbin but I won’t change him,,,, and you can keep your stupid money,” you let out, releasing all the bottled up emotions

“is that all,”she replies

“yes”

“then you may leave”

what???

it was that easy????

you thought she was gonna stop you, force you to hold your end of the bargain

if you knew it would’ve been this easy then you wouldn’t have worried over it so much

but you don’t know a lot of things

and you certainly didnt know that changbin was on the other line

later that day

you’re seated in the library

usual place, usual time, waiting for the one and only seo changbin, yet he never showed

you didn’t think much of it

‘maybe he just forgot’ you tell yourself

the next day - wednesday

here you were again, waiting for him

still nothing

you try and think of reasons why he wouldn’t show up two days in a row and can really only think of one - maybe his mom told him that he didn’t need tutoring anymore?

but surely, he would tell you

right ???

sure you guys started off on the wrong foot but you were friends now

at least you thought so

you decided to just give him the benefit of the doubt

‘maybe he’s just busy’

2 days later - friday

you’ve tried everything you can do to get a hold of changbin

all your calls went straight to voicemail

texts were left on delivered

you didn’t even see him around school anymore

it was like your worlds never collided and he was never a part of yours

you were starting to get worried, what if he got himself into trouble

“look who decided to show her face,” hyunjin comments as you took the seat next to him

ever since the day you guys had your argument, you have never been able to talk to him about it

“im not in the mood,” you reply,

hyunjin sensing that you were exhausted,

“hey,” he says softly, “what’s wrong?”

“nothing”

“y/n please, we’ve been friends for over 3 years, you don’t need to lie to me”

“aren’t you mad at me?”

���no. im upset that you’ve been pushing us to the side for your little boy toy but im not mad,” he says giving you a soft smile

hhhhh, it was times like these you remember why he was your best friend

hyunjin was just so thoughtful, so caring

you return the smile he gave you as you pulled him in for a tight hug

“I’m sorry hyunjin”

“it’s okay, im sorry too, now tell me what’s wrong?”

“it’s just changbin-“

“I swear to god, if he even laid a finger on you he’s a dead man”

“no!” you say quickly putting an end to his assumption

“so what happened?” he asks, eyebrows going up in sheer curiosity

and then you told him

you told him about the deal with Ms. seo

about how your relationship with changbin changed along the way

how you ended the deal

and now we’re back to changbin and ignoring you

“damn, well have you tried actually going to him?”

“i wouldnt even know where -”

and then it hits you

the abandoned music building

“hyunjin, youre a genius!!!,” you say excitedly

“thanks, we been knew”

“ i have to go ill explain later, bye!!” you say, dashing out of there as fast as you could and made your way to the abandoned building

taking the bus there gave you time to reflect on everything that has happened this past couple month

how much your life has changed since changbin entered it

he pushed you to take risks, to live out of your comfort zone, to not care about other people’s opinions

he made you feel free

and most importantly, he made you happy

the good girl has fallen for the bad boy, i told yall this was gonna be cliche right?

continuing on

just as you  expected, the door was open

the dark didnt even bother you anymore, the only thing in your mind was changbin

oh,, where could he be??

could you ever find your way into this maze of a building and retrace the steps that he took when he was by your side?

as you got deeper and deeper into the building, you feel yourself start to get lost

‘fuck i already saw this door’

‘omg y/n did you really just walk in a circle’

and then you hear it

music, singing

your nightingale

you walk faster, desperate to get to the voice

and here you are now, face to face with the one and only, seo changbin

he stops singing as soon as he saw you walk in

“hey,” you whisper out yet he continued to just stand there, not uttering a single word

“your voice is really pretty, i didnt know you could sing!-”

“what do you want?” his voice, dark and firm just like the day you first met him

This caught you off guard

Did you do something wrong?

“Did i do something wrong?” you say, not aware that you have said your thoughts out loud

changbin chuckles but it was so uninviting, like he was taunting you

“ please, drop the act”

?????

“what?” you reply, completely confused

“ you dont like me ”

“ changbin, what?”

“ you're just like everyone else”

“ changbin i really dont understand pl-”

“ i shouldn't have trusted you.”

“ what?!??, no changbin, you can trust me! just tell me whats wrong!”

all the while, you guys were still talking with a glass between the two of you

ironic, since you felt like a wall has been planted around changbin and you cant reach him  

“ you think i should change”

“ no”

“ what do you mean no? I heard you y/n! I heard what you told my mom, i heard about the stupid deal, the stupid money!”

(⊙…⊙,)

“ changbin, let me explain”

“ i know im known as the bad boy y/n, but you… youre even worse than me”

“ changbin.”

“ youre a monster”

and with hearing those words, the tears that you have been so desperately trying to keep just bursted out like a waterfall

changbin too, has let out his tears

and all we got now are two broken people who can clearly see each other yet are still on opposite sides of the glass

“ you're just like everyone out there that you have resented, you judged me by other people’s words, i thought- i thought that i can finally found someone i could open up to but you never even gave me chance from the beginning”

you let him talk without interrupting him

you deserved the ache you were feeling in your heart

everything he said was true

and with that he breaks down, straight to the floor, back against the wall, hugging his knees

and all you could do was watch, until you couldn't take it anymore

you finally entered the recording booth , taking a seat on the floor right next to him, mimicking his broken figure

“im sorry”

silence

you looked up at the ceiling as you sighed

he deserves an explanation

“ yes, i took the deal, but that's because i thought i needed it changbin. I may be smart, but financially my family isn't doing well. my mom already works extra shifts but it still won't be enough. my dad isnt even in the picture, i dont know where the hell he is”

and with this, changbins head slowly perks up, looking at you with his glass-like eyes, as you continued to stare at the ceiling

you were finally opening up to him

just like how he has been doing

“ i took the deal because, you’re right, i judged you, i was stupid and i never expected us to actually be friends, clearly i was wrong. you have taught me so much. you have pushed me into doing things i never thought i could do. you made me see the world in a different way.”

he’s still just listening to you when you finally took your eyes away from the ceiling and faced him

“ i understand if you dont want to see me anymore but i cant leave you knowing that i never got to say this,” you continue, afraid of the results that were about to come

“ what else are you hiding from me?” he says, but this time, he says it softly, the furious changbin that you have encountered just minutes ago was completely gone

“ i think im in love with you,” you say, quickly looking down, embarrassed at your confession

“ y/n look at me,”

“ i dont want to”

“ why?”

“ i know you're gonna break my heart”

“ you broke mine first,” and with that he lifted your chin up, making you look him straight into his eyes before kissing you

this kiss was different from your first one

it was slow but passionate, filled with all of the unsaid words between the two of you

your guys lips both slightly chapped from all the crying

yet his lips still felt like the softest pair against yours

pulling away, changbin leans his forehead against yours, his eyes closed

yours were open though, taking the sight all in before you pulled away, wiping away his left over tears

“ god, were a mess,” he finally says out loud, before he pulled you in a tight hug 

“ im sorry,” you say again

“ i’ll forgive you if you promise to continue tutoring me?”

“ what ?”

“ continue the deal, get the money”

“ changbin, i really don't want to do that”

“ i know you dont. but we have to finesse my mom somehow,” he says, bursting into a smile, clearly joking

…

..

“eYE,,, i cannot believe you right now! You can't be serious!”

“ but i am. go back into her office tell her you’ll continue it and get the money for your education.”

“changbin! stop joking! I already feel bad about it!”

“Okay fine i just like it when you tutor me okay, its kinda sexy” he says

playfully slapping him, you guys laugh, the tension in the air finally gone

“ you know if you didnt buy me those eggs, we wouldnt be here by now,” you say, a small smile on your face

“ hmm, and why?”

“ because those eggs were the first time i realized that the most notorious bad boy, the one and only Seo Changbin, can also be soft,”

“ do not use my name and soft in the same sentence ever again,”

“ what are you gonna do about it?” you reply, taunting him

and so

he pulled you into another kiss

and another

and another

until a series of laughter coming from the both of you interrupted it

“im glad i bought you those eggs”

hhhhhhh this ending is so rushed and so bad i just didnt wanna leave it unfinished 

ALSO IM SEEING STRAY KIDS BITCHES!!!!!,,,,,, MY SEAT HELLA FAR BUTS ITS OKAY BECAUSE ILL STILL BE THERE ╭(′▽`)╭(′▽`)╯

[foolgobi65]

Ah do Krishna and Bhishma in Hogwarts

this is so late i cant even say anything im so sorry but still i hope u like it!! i really enjoyed writing for it and surprisingly enjoy writing these two together more than i expected – i always make bhishma nicer and better than he is in canon but i also truly think that krishna brings out the best in him. thank you for the prompt!! please send more since i def have more time now that it is summer

1.

Bhishma does not watch the trial – like most of the Wizarding World, he listens to it broadcast on the radio, barred from the Wizengamot by his vow to pass the family seat through the blood of Satyavati. Bhishma does not watch when the boy Krishna is brought into court in chains and at the wandpoint of five aurors, does not watch when Kamsa stands from his seat at the head and accuses a child of treason, of exposing magic to muggles, of genocide secondhand – for that of course is what the Magical World apparently has to fear from their muggle counterparts.

“I disagree, Uncle.”

As one, the Wizarding World gasps. It is Him, then, this boy Krishna. The Chosen One, the fulfillment of a 20 year old prophecy that keeps Kamsa’s sister Devaki and her husband Vasudev falsely imprisoned to this day. It is Krishna who, 15 years ago, had the audacity to be born even inside the pit of human despair, whose disappearance from inside Azkaban had hastened the death of Wizarding democracy in the guise of Kamsa’s Emergency.

“You admit that you are their son?” Kamsa for once speaks for the entirety of Wizarding Britain. It is the question every person wants to ask, after years of Kamsa’s iron fist slowly strangling Magical Britain’s throat in pursuit of his predestined killer. “You admit that you want to kill me, the Minister for Magic.” Bhishma scoffs at the way Kamsa, claims democratic legitimacy even as a dictator.

There is a sigh that travels through the radio, deep and long, one that seems more suited for a man of Bhishma’s years and experience than Krishna’s sixteen. The whole of Magical Britain pauses for breath.

“I do,” Krishna says, voice calm at what every listener knows clearly to be a death sentence. “I am.”

Kamsa’s voice shifts to a register of glee. “This is treason!” No assembly could be complete without Kamsa’s favorite word. The punishment for actions against the Minister have grown more and more stringent in the last decade in wait for this moment, where Kamsa has set enough precedent to order an immediate execution. Neither Bhishma’s power nor his vows allow him to breach the doors of the Wizengamot. After all this time the Emergency will end like this, he thinks in sudden, overwhelming despair: the body of Devaki’s son cold on the ground, his death broadcast throughout Kamsa’s new kingdom.

But then, incredibly, over the radio Krishna begin to laugh – the sound grates against the tautness of Bhishma’s nerves for all that it is full of joy, of reckless abandon. It is only later that Bhishma will realize that the discomfort he felt at that moment was not discomfort at all – hope had been lost so long that he had forgotten what it felt like, swelling inside his chest, burning inside of his veins.

“You are untrained,” Bhishma hears Kamsa sneer, the last of Krishna’s laughter still echoing against the Wizengamot stone, “you are untrained, and with magic so low that you were not deemed worthy of a Hogwarts education. You cannot kill me.”

A gasp. “The chains,” someone shouts, “they’re gone!”

Members of the Wizengamot are not allowed their wands in session, and while Kamsa and his aurors are almost certainly armed, there is none amongst them that would banish the boy’s chains. Krishna has no wand, and what Kamsa said was true – a boy untrained, with so little magic that Hogwarts records did not deem him worthy of an invitation, could not have banished his chains.

And yet.

“You’re right,” Bhishma hears amidst the uproar, and then in the silence that follows he hears a slight rustle, the sound gentle enough that it could only be clothing shifting against skin.

“I am untrained,” Krishna says, tone as easy with this fact as if he were listing the color of his hair.

There is a click, and then Bhishma hears an explosion.

“And yet, Uncle,” Krishna says before the shock fades and the screams begin, “you are dead all the same.”

2.

There is a great furor in the aftermath of Kamsa’s assassination: the Wizarding World is unprepared for the death of its benign dictator, only more so when faced with its cause.

“I will take him,” Bhishma announces, blowing open the doors and standing carefully outside the Chamber. “The boy Krishna.” He blinks as members of the Wizengamot move so that Bhishma can have a clear view of the proceedings inside. Krishna, who he assumed would have been hurried out of the room instead sits cooly on the ground, hands busy with some sort of contraption. Bhishma does not speak of his brief childhood amongst Muggles, but he remembers something much larger, something that could not have been concealed under clothes.

“It is a gun,” the boy confirms, face blank as he refuses to meet the Wizengamot’s gaze. Kamsa’s bloody body cools on the ground only a few meters away. “Father purchased it after my uncle sent the Grindylows four years ago.”

Bhishma clenches his jaw. Kamsa’s obsession was renowned, but every new example of its consequences is cause for disgust– under the Emergency all dissent has been quelled as Kamsa combed both Magical and apparently Muggle Britain for those who stepped out of line, in seeming solidarity with Devaki’s mythic son.

Today’s trial had been triggered by a dementor attack on a Muggle hamlet, repelled, Kamsa claimed, without his official sanction by a sixteen-year-old boy without enough magic for a Hogwarts invitation. Or at least, that is what they had assumed.

“How did you repel them?” Bhishma hears from a member somewhere in the gaggle ahead. Whether they mean the grindylows or the dementors he does not know.

Krishna stands, neatly slipping the gun into his waistband. A moment passes where he gazes at the crowd in front of him, the most powerful of the British Wizarding population, people who together decide the present, who bend the arc of the future. Each person, later, will claim that in that moment Krishna was looking only at them, was laying bare their personal ambition, their excess, their very essence.  

Bhishma standing tall behind the Wizengamot threshold feels small as he has not in more than a hundred years, suddenly a child once more clutching at his mother’s fingers inside the halls of the Kuru family home, waiting to be claimed by a father he had never known.

“He is one of you,” Ganga had told Shantanu, “so you must keep him safe.”

Bhishma locks eyes with Krishna and nods – he is not Shantanu, has no ties of blood, but the boy will be safe all the same. Krishna exhales, closes his eyes, brings his hands forward, and pulls.

The room gasps together as swirling spikes rise from the stone. Everyone is frozen at the sight, eyes glued to the floor Krishna mutates in perfectly deadly concentric circles. He has no wand.

“By Merlin,” someone whispers, the tones are familiar enough that Bhishma’s believes it to be Vyasa, court witness and the first son of Bhishma’s venerable stepmother, Lady Satyavati herself. The muttered oath is more accurate than he thinks he means. Bhishma swallows at a display of raw talent the types of which he had assumed no longer existed.

Krishna opens his eyes. As one, the Wizengamot steps back – only Bhishma tries to step forward, catching himself only at the end when his toes threaten to cross his self imposed boundary. A small, wry smile graces Krishna’s lips.

“Hogwarts it is, I suppose.”

3.

The decision to release Vasudev and Devaki are released even before Kamsa’s body is taken away – that is an easy decision after all, taken by people racked with guilt at the plight of two individuals without even a magical core to sustain them locked in Azkaban for almost half their lifetimes. Vasudev, only son of the late Surasena whose family sat on the Wizengamot for generations, is a squib. Even worse is Devaki, half sister of the half-blood Kamsa, the first Muggle to know the eternal chill of the dementors outside her cell. That they even live should be considered extraordinary. That they managed to produce a child, that said child could grow despite it’s magicless mother’s physical malnourishment and mental torment, that the child was born and lived and left: this is what even the Magical World can only consider a miracle.

And yet, there is not a wizard alive who would consider the pair after such an ordeal fit guardians for any magical child, much less one of Krishna’s apparent abilities. Bhishma is the Headmaster of Hogwarts, and so any child of school-attending age comes under his jurisdiction. Bhishma also remains the Grand-sire of the Kurus, who now count Surasena’s daughter Pritha one of their own. His great-grand nephews may lawfully call Krishna Vaasudev “cousin,” and when Bhishma looks to the other families who might claim the same connection, Damagosha and Vridhasharman avert their eyes.

“A vow,” Vyasa calls out, shedding the guise of humble stenographer at this time of crisis. “I want you all to swear an Unbreakable Vow that you will never reveal what you just saw.” He glances at Bhishma, still standing outside of the room, and looks away, biting her lip in an now uncharacteristic show of emotion. He turns to Krishna.

Krishna shrugs, closing his eyes once more and pushes at the air above the floor. The spikes smooth, leaving the ground as it was before.

“It is May,” Bhishma says into the silence, as they all try to envision the shape of this new world. “I will take Krishna until September, when he will be enrolled as a fifth year at Hogwarts.”

The Wizengamot, unruly and contentious even at the best of times, assents.

The Kuru family home was once the pride of Wizarding Britain, teeming constantly with life and activity and culture. When Krishna, having been instructed in Floo usage, tumbles out of the Great Fireplace, it is almost like that again. The entire family, from Dhritarashtra to Kunti’s Sahadeva is gathered, voices echoing off of the famed ceiling Hogwarts’ Great Hall is said to have been based on. Bhishma clears his throat, and as one, they turn.

It has been years since Bhishma has been able to command the room like this, at least outside family feasts – but even those slowly dwindled as the children came and left Hogwarts. He would not claim enjoyment in this moment, but perhaps deep down there is something of satisfaction.

“This is Krishna,” he calls out, though from the looks on his family’s faces this is something they already know. “He will be staying with us for the summer from now on.”

“Actually,” Krishna says from behind Bhishma, “I have to go home.”

Bhishma turns on his heel. “What do you mean you need to go home?” It is a tone of voice that has quelled even Duryodhana at his most irascible, and yet Krishna only raises a brow. Bhishma presses on, ever aware of the studied stillness of his family behind, all trying to pretend that they are not in the room. “Do you even know what you have done? Kamsa had the backing of powerful men, crafted an auror force almost slavishly devoted to his every word. Do you think they won’t try to kill you if you set foot outside our door?”

Again, in the face of danger, Krishna only laughs. “My parents, Nanda and Yashoda, are Muggle. My entire village is. If I am in danger, then what are they, who have no knowledge of this world, no power to protect them from retribution.” Krishna purses his lips. “If you mean for me to live in this world can you guarantee me their safety, their well being, and their happiness until the day they die of natural causes?”

Bhishma cannot. “What will you do?”

Krishna swallows, looking uncertain, even lost for what Bhishma believes to be the first time since he set was dragged into his trial. “Mother does not understand, she never has. Everytime Kamsa sent another monster, she demanded we move, as if every place we lived in was cursed instead of it being me. I tried to tell her when they came, but she only cried and begged for me to leave it all and come home. The memories will haunt her, when I don’t.”

Bhishma, whose mother left him on Shantanu’s doorstep and told him to never look back, who still remembers her every day since, feels a wash of sympathy for what Krishna must do.

“Only them?” Bhishma does not question if Krishna knows how to erase his parents’ past – for one, memory erasure outside of Ministry authority is one of the High Crimes even in times of peace. Yet, to work with the Ministry in this case would only put those poor Muggles at risk. It is the nature of the Wizarding World, he knows, to forget inconvenient parts of people’s past: Bhishma who was once the half-blooded Devavrata now stands the venerable head of the Kuru clan. With his birth parents still alive, no one will question who raised Krishna Vaasudev. Bhishma will go to the Ministry himself and make sure the relevant documents are destroyed.

“And a girl as well,” Krishna says, lips turning of their own accord into something of a wistful, longing smile. “I asked her to come with me, but she refused.” Bhishma, whose easiest pledge was the one in which he forswore a wife, in that moment can only feel a voyeur.  

His voice, when he speaks, is gruff. “You will be back in September?”

“Before that, even, if I can,” Krishna says, nodding at the silent Kauravas still gathered motionless in the Kuru Great Hall. “I look forward to meeting you all in the future.” His smile slips into something just slightly sad. “It will be nice to still have a family when I return.”

4.

For a single moment, Bhishma feels fear when Krishna is sorted into Slytherin. It is the house Kamsa had been sorted into, a half-blood almost dripping with charisma and eager to climb as high as the ladders would take him – and then to construct further rungs where they stopped. Is this to be the fate of the Wizarding World, to only exchange one tyrant for another?

It is a moment that shames him, he who is supposed to look at the four houses with only benign indifference. Yet he is not the only one who seems wary, a strained type of silence seeming to follow the boy whenever he enters the Great Hall at mealtimes, which is all Bhishma sees of his students at school. For weeks, everyone waits for the knut to drop, for Krishna to bend rooms to his will and gather supporters at his feet.

A month passes, and Krishna Vaasudev continues to eat alone. Every once in a while one of Drona’s Hufflepuffs tries to catch his eye when he enters, her face falling when she is ignored time and time again.

“Subhadra,” Drona mumbles, “Second year Muggle-born.” He frowns “No,” he says, seemingly in anticipation of Bhishma’s next question. “I don’t know why.”

Another fortnight, and Bhishma has almost convinced himself that what he saw before was an illusion, or perhaps a stroke of fate that overtook the young Krishna’s body. Perhaps the Chosen, when their prophecies are fulfilled, become one with the rest – what Bhishma recalls of Krishna’s smile, his triumphant laughter, has faded with Kamsa’s influence over Magical Britain. He thinks this, and then he stumbles upon Krishna laughing like Bhishma remembered with someone in an abandoned classroom.

“Grandsire!” Krishna’s companion rises and Bhishma is shocked to his core to recognized Arjuna, famously private, and almost notoriously sullen bounding to Bhishma with a smile Bhishma has not seen in years. Each of his great-grandchildren have made their peace with knowing that Bhishma at Hogwarts cannot be the Grandsire from their homes, but Arjuna, in particular, has always been scrupulous about maintaining the distance between student and teacher, Great-grandfather and favorite son. Bhishma in his surprise, and in something of a slight longing for affection from his favorite, allows himself an embrace.

“Arjuna,” Bhishma smiles, helpless at the sight of Arjuna’s grin, no matter the cause. “What are you doing here?” It is not a warning, or even truly a complaint – the pair is not out of bounds or our after hours, but it is curious to find Arjuna outside of his room when not in class, stranger still to see him in the company of someone not his brothers. It is almost extraordinary to know that Arjuna has been laughing.

Arjuna’s face smoothes into something that Bhishma struggles to name, until he realizes it is something like contentment, so alien to the character of his Arjuna, always taut with one anxiety or another.

“Krishna is teaching me how to cast a patronus.”

Bhishma raises an eyebrow, looking past Arjuna to the other boy who has risen but stands, ankles crossed, leaning against the wall in what must be carefully constructed insolence.

“A patronus is complex magic,” he hears himself say, and it is. But Krishna Vaasudev was brought to the Wizengamot for warding off the dementors, and he had never answered the Wizengamot’s question that first day. Krishna smiles, bypassing the question implied.

“Ask the Headmaster, I’m sure his answer will be the same as mine.”

Bhishma raises another eyebrow. “I can’t cast a corporeal patronus,” Arjuna says, his wry smile so different from his carefully controlled frustration when faced with an obstacle he cannot overcome through single-minded practice. “Krishna thinks it’s because my memory is too weak.”

Bhishma frowns. Normally, especially with children so young, he would attribute this to a lack of control over one’s magical core. But Arjuna has trained so long that he remains in school as a matter of formality, his control over his power already a thing approaching legend.

“I would agree,” Bhishma admits, “if only because I have seen you accomplish more complex spells with less training.”

Arjuna snorts, turning towards Krishna so that Bhishma, his headmaster, his beloved Grandsire can only see his back. “Like you said, I am an utterly miserable individual.”

Bhishma stiffens in anticipation: when Arjuna was only a child of prodigious talent and surprising will, his anger would fill the room. It is something that takes time and talent to decipher, but his magical aura so used to the weight of Arjuna’s iron control seems to seep into the air around him, swelling until the rooms feel like they are made of rainclouds, each on the verge of bursting. Arjuna, who is always so careful with his anger and measured with his words, has not spoken like this since he received his Hogwarts letter.

Krishna only rolls his eyes. “Is this what you’re like with all your friends? Besides, you seemed quite happy a few moments ago.”

When Bhishma concentrates, Arjuna’s aura is the same as it was before. His mind strays to Krishna’s words – does Arjuna have friends? Arjuna has brothers, cousins, and perhaps he even has Drona’s son Ashwathama. But Bhishma would call none of these a friend, and when he looks to his great-grand nephew, who looks faint at the thought, he feels a pang of regret for the training regiment he demanded of so young a child. Forced to outstrip his peers, and in the company of men so much older for so many years it is easy to see the boy’s self imposed isolation as fear, or awkwardness. Arjuna’s shoulders are newly stiff, and Bhishma can only thing that he must have been very lonely all these years, even if he never showed it.

“Oh,” Arjuna says, poleaxed. “Is that what we are?”

Bhishma slowly begins to step backward, but he is still in the room when Krishna’s face melts into something brimming with empathy. For that, Bhishma thinks, he could forgive almost anything. At the very least, he can begin to trust. “I’m certainly yours,” Krishna says, eyes locked with Arjuna, “but whether you want to be mine is up to you.”

“Yes,” Arjuna says, soft, disbelief warring desperately with hope. “I am.” It echoes to Bhishma like a vow. I am. I am. I am.

5.

Krishna Vaasudev, as told to Bhishma by his instructors, is a bright student. Eager to learn, with near perfect recall and an apparent childhood history of reading a Muggle-born neighbor’s old textbooks. The mystery of young Subhadra is thus solved: the Muggle-born sister of a Muggle-born Gryffindor graduate, Balarama, both of whom lived, until this May, in the village named on the records Bhishma destroyed. Bhishma thinks, and recalls Balarama towering at 17 followed by the sniping shadows of Bhima and Duryodhana, each desperate to learn Beating from the greatest talent Hogwarts has seen in generations.

“Krishna knows the theory,” every teacher repeats, “but it is the execution where he struggles.”

That’s only to be expected, they add, “considering the poor boy’s circumstances.”

Bhishma nods politely, and asks for an interview.

“Is there a reason,” he asks when the pleasantries have been disposed of, “that your teachers believe you to be only slightly more capable than a squib?”

Krishna, sipping at the tea he has been offered, puts down his cup to laugh. “Many, but I assume you have at least one theory that concerns you more than others.”

Bhishma grunts, taking a sip from his own cup. “I watched you transfigure the stone that makes up the foundation of one of the cores of Magical Britain with your bare hands. You should be able to change a teapot.”  

Krishna hums, and it is as if somehow it is he, the sixteen-year-old, is in control of the conversation instead of Bhishma. “It is different, with a wand. I never had one before.”

It is a lie, but a very good one. There is just enough truth that it might even have worked if Bhishma himself was not one of the few capable of wandless casting.

“No,” he corrects, “the wand inherently acts as a focus. If it was difficult, your teachers would report that you were struggling with too much power, not too little.”

Krishna smiles: wide, and golden, and knowing. A test, then, instead of a mistake. “I had wondered if the rumors were true. I’m glad not to be as rare as the Wizengamot reactions made it seem.”

“I did not bring you to lie,” Bhishma says, but when he leans back in his chair he finds himself pressing his lips together to keep them from twisting up in response. Curious he thinks, that where he might have been enraged he is instead amused. He thinks of Arjuna, of how small he had sounded when he asked if he and Krishna were friends.

The patronus. “How does Arjuna know that you can cast a patronus?”

Finally, Krishna seems caught off guard. “Because it is Arjuna,” he says, voice slightly snappish, as if that were all the answer needed. And in a way, to Bhishma of all people, perhaps even to Bhishma alone, it is. “He needed my help.”

Krishna sighs, standing up. “I am not a threat, Headmaster, and if you need me to prove it I shall.” His gaze for once is hard, shoulders straight and eyes blazing. “Expecto Patronum.”

Krishna Vaasudev calls forth his guardian with the same tone someone might order a meal, and when Bhishma looks to Krishna’s hands neither is gripping a wand. His hands are slightly in front of his body, molded as if they caress the edges of something, as if they seek to shape life from an invisible lump of clay.

Where there was nothing, suddenly there is. Krishna Vaasudev’s patronus spreads its wings, taking one lap around Bhishma’s study before flying to perch on Krishna’s shoulder. Extraordinary.

“That is a phoenix,’ Bhishma says, staring at the bird with trepidation. With exultation. “Which means you lied – you are in fact the greatest threat I have ever seen.”

[oddishfeeling]

i have been living in the most disempowered state for the last few months because of the discomfort that comes with realizing ur old habits no longer suit the present or future u want for urself. its been really difficult to be as painfully honest as ive needed to be in order to inact any lasting change in my life n my habits.

ive even discussed this discrepancy with my friends and coworkers, lazy but ambitious, lazy but actually just secretly afraid of failing, lazy as a habit, lazy as an IDENTIFIER and personality trait— this article was a nice reminder that the language we have with ourselves can give the wrong things power but it can also give the right things power too.

it was also a good reminder of how important we make other people’s opinions of us and how we mistakenly let these opinions define us even tho they hold no real truth or value.

i have felt like ive been screaming in a glass box even tho i built the box n i have the key to the door to get into the box and actually the door isnt locked at all and theres no lock in the door either— the key is a distraction n there to mix me up— all i need to do is turn the handle and walk out

ive felt inhibited in expressing myself for so long that it feels like ive become a bit of a stranger to myself. i lost sight so easily of who i am and what i want n it could easily be that my habits dont align with my authentic self, theres also a high chance depression and anxiety are involved as well and a great deal of discomfort comes from not being able to tell the difference between which issues are what

what i do know is i need to change something if i want to see change and fear of failure of looking dumb n silly of being WRONG.. they are jus tiny bumps in the road to where im going. they are things i can learn to deal with in a healthy way n theyre things we all experience. i cant let concerns and fears as regular as these keep me from at least trying or keep me from knowing its ok for me to fail! how am i supposed to get anything done this way.

anyways ive read a lot of things. articles and books or whatever. ive listening to a lot of things too, audiobooks and podcasts. and ive probably watched more things than both of those two categories. youtube videos, ted talks, movies, tv shows. and ive been inspired in all three ways.

but like motivation, inspiration is not enough

this article inspired me and another one i read yesterday was so inspiring i was still thinking about it late last night

but i still didnt change anything. i didnt do anything differently last night. in fact if im being honest i was even less productive than i usually am n that’s not saying much

the unchecked boxes in my bulletjournal sometimes get together n laugh. they laugh at all my good intentions in all their empty boxedness.

i keep waiting for something to change me 😭 maybe because in the past, any changes were made from an external source. good or bad they happened to me. it’s almost like i dont think i have the true ability to inact any lasting positive change in my life, let alone multiple. maybe this is part of becoming older. realizing ur control and what attempts to take it away.

ive only ever envisioned a life for myself that was of my own making. 🗣i want to create my life🗣

slowly but surely i go

feb 20, 2019

[gibaraltar]

idk where im gonna put all my headcanons in the long run but look. ok Titanfall and thus Apex are in the nebulous far future, but with the drawbacks of technology having to be generally very practical due to (I assume) the wars, the comparatively sudden large-scale exploration into deep space, and so on. CW: surgery, dysphoria, trans health What im trying to say is trans healthcare has come a really long way, probably. I think that despite this, its kind of function over form even though the form aspect is beyond what we might expect today. Things like minimization/avoiding of scarring are important and possible to an extent we see only rarely now, but i think only prioritized in high visibility areas or if its the primary concern of the patient. Instead, the focus is keeping or improving functionality and lining up the form with the patient’s vision on an individual level, and as such results and expectations are pretty highly variable! tl;dr while I drew trans mirage with top surgery scars for me, pretty much, I do have a few hcs on how mirage being trans would pan out in canon context (i have been percolating for a WHILE so this is long):

1) Always Knew he pretty much looks like a cis dude. He went on puberty blockers/similar early (thanks to supportive mother and brothers) and has a pretty much fully functional bottom situation, & what little scar care there was, it was easier when he was younger and had the time and space and spent more time staying at home fiddling with tech, so there isnt much that “gives it away” per se. As an nb/trans guy i really like this one because like. personally, the idea of just. a reasonable amount of effort to pretty much align my brain and body seems appealing! but probably the only way this one gets drawn by me is finishing a trans gibraltar/trans mirage comic idea i had where they were both like “i have something to tell you before we-- WAIT HOLD ON YOU TOO???” because it would actually involve the things that would make this different from just drawing mirage cis lmao,,, All said its not exactly unrealistic for mirage to just be running around like “IM TRANS AND LOVE MY KINGS QUEENS AND EVERYTHING OTHER AND INBETWEENS IN THE TRANS COMMUNITY ✊🏽😤 RESPECT AND GRATITUDE LEGENDS ONLY!!!!!” rather than being stealth LOL 2) The Classic transitioned a little later but has still been on T for like a decade+. Did have to have non-minor top surgery, but this would have been not apparent if he could sit still, wait the appropriate time after surgery, and practice proper care but he absolutely could not for the life of him LMAO he fidgeted, took off anything uncomfortable a little earlier than he should have, and started working out and running around doing errands too quick. In his defense, I’d imagine this was when he and his mother were realizing they might be alone for longer than they’d hoped (and also during a tumultuous wartime period where Mirage may have also been trying to keep fit in case of being drafted or wanting to follow his brothers) but not sure how that would line up timeline wise. This would be the one I drew! I like to think that while sometimes he regrets not taking better care of them, for the most part, the scars are a point of pride. 3) The Homebody absolutely no surgery, partially out of feeling he didn’t need it, but also out of discomfort and questioning. Still on hormones though, and slowly coming around to at least considering surgery instead of putting it out of his mind or dismissing it. I have also drawn this Mirage but its nsfw lmao so i cant... show it... here at least. This is also Big Projection candidate #1. im valid though ok AAAANYWAY I always have like infinite sometimes clashing hcs for this stuff so to me none of these are more valid than another and ofc however you personally envision trans mirage and also trans care in the titanfall/apex universe is equally valid, i just. this is the only place i can say this stuff out loud LMAO so!! fwiw the other trans hcs i have are for Gibraltar, Lifeline, and Octane but also everyone is trans i dont make the rules 🤷🏽

[littlemisssquiggles]

RWBY Musings #65: A Tale of Love. A Squiggle Meister’s Views on the similarities between Oscar and Salem

Someone asked “ Now I love parallels too and I’ve noticed that you would like to see a rosegarden Ozma Salem hand hold. As cute as that sounds, it kinda scares me. Ozma and Salem ended in tragedy. What would happen to Ruby and Oscar 😞 “

Squiggles Answers:

I'd love to see the hand hold scene mirrored in Ruby and Oscar because it was done during a moment where Salem and Ozma reunited and re-established their love for one another.

While Salem and Ozma's romance ended in tragedy, I still adore their love story because before their whole involvement with the Gods respectfully, they both first and foremost were two young lovers who wanted more than anything just to be together forever and went above and beyond to do that even if it meant disobeying the Gods.

The true tragedy wasn't that Ozma and Salem wound up sworn enemies but mainly how much the God's intervention changed them into two people unrecognizable from who they used to be to the point where you wouldn't believe either loved the other to the point of defying both the Gods and death itself to be reunited.

The positive that I take away from the Tragic Lovers or Fairy Tale (I think that’s their ship name) romance is the unyielding devotion and strength of their love or at least what it used to be. How much Salem and Ozma were willing to go through just to be together. Salem approached the Gods to beg for Ozma to be brought back to life for her because she couldn’t stand living the rest of her days without him and Ozma only chose to return to Remnant because the God of Light told him that Salem was still alive in that world. Let’s not forget that Ozma initially refused his godly task because in his eyes, Remnant wasn’t the same or as dear to him without his beloved Salem.

This is why I like this ship so much. Before RWBY revealed Ozpin and Salem’s past together, I was gunning for them to be lovers from the get go. Hence my previous musings like this one, this one and this one. I knew their love was going to end in pain anyways but I was still banking on them being companions and lovers and what we got was even more bittersweet than what I envisioned. A brave knight who rescued a lonely maiden from her captivity and the two fell deeply in love ever after. Who wouldn’t eat that up? This squiggle meister surely would. I’m a sucker for those types of romance stories. It hurts when you think about what Ozma and Salem’s tale became in the end. But I still ship it though. Still loving that Fairy Tale.

That's what I'd love to see and can see for a potential romance between Ruby and Oscar. Not the tragedy part, of course, although let’s admit, it will be in there since time and fate will arrive to challenge the bond between these two smaller, more honest souls given one’s connection to a certain other character.

Nevertheless, what I mostly would love to see in a future RoseGarden love story (if it’s in the cards) is that that unyielding love. That strong devotion to one another’s well-being and protecting each other while fighting together for what they both believe in and the lives of the people they both care about. When I look at Ruby, her righteous heart and desire to help others actually reminds me a lot of Ozma. You would think it’d be Salem but nah. I can actually see similarities between Salem and Oscar. Oscar’s infatuation with Ruby and obvious admiration of her strength, courageousness and pure heart reminds me of how Salem used to revere Ozma. Well…at least in that one shot we got.

Another similarity between Oscar and Past Salem that I noticed is just as how Salem lived a sheltered life trapped in her lonely tower dreaming of freedom and a life beyond its uncharted walls, the same can be said for Oscar who seemingly lived a sheltered and quiet life as a farmhand back on his aunt's farm while still fantasizing of a life beyond his home in Mistral.

The key difference between Salem and Oscar is that Salem was more self-seeking; albeit as a result of her unknown upbringing and being forced to live a lonely life locked off from the rest of the world by the only family she had; whereas Oscar is selfless. While we still don’t know much more about Oscar’s past with his family beyond the few scrapings of details left from V4, one can safely assume that Oscar was well loved and taken care of by his family.

Though he was only seen to have his aunt for guardianship, from what I observed back in V4, Oscar still retained a good relationship with his Auntie Pine who took no problem in taking Oscar into his household, providing him a comfortable home where he could’ve had his own room for privacy and a warm plate of food on the table every evening for supper in exchange for Oscar working on the farm which he didn’t seem to mind. Overall, though he desired more from his life, Oscar was quite comfortable and content living with his aunt hence the reason why he wasn’t so keen on leaving at first after Ozpin’s unceremonious arrival into his life.

Unlike Salem, Oscar more or less knew and felt love before leaving his old life behind which I guess made it all the more easy for him to give it. One characteristic I’ve noticed about Salem’s personality that always shines through, even in her past self, is her selfishness---that nature about her that always puts her desires above anything else.

This is the complete opposite of Oscar. One thing I’ve noticed about Oscar’s personality is that he makes a habit of pushing aside his own feelings in place of doing what he feels is right or better, not particularly for himself but for others around him as a whole.

This is not an entirely bad trait to have. I myself, do the same thing from time to time to avoid conflict or tension with others because I don’t like conflict. Someone once asked me what I thought Oscar’s personality type might be and my first guess was a INFJ. Speaking as someone with that personality type, I see quite a few traits of an INFJ in Oscar. Although I’m still gathering as much as I can about his persona as provided in the series, I’m still sticking with my first choice of Oscar having an advocate/ counsellor type of personality because there are key examples from the show where he’s exhibited that trait. Specifically with Ruby.

Ironically, it’s Oscar’s moments with Ruby that help bring out that caring, compassionate and willing to do what he can to help others type of personality in Oscar the most. Oscar cares for others, particularly with those closest to him. Even when he’s literally backed against a wall, Oscar puts himself last in the scenario.

This is a boy who got shoved into a wall by one of his peers after being wrongfully accused in one scene and is then seen making this person and the others a hot meal after they went looking for him after he went missing in another. 

Y’know, I harped a lot on V6 C9 on how they handled Oscar coming to terms with his feelings. But…y’know what? Now that I’ve had more time to think about the episode in terms of Oscar’s character, I realized that the bit with Oscar is surprisingly the most relatable thing I’ve seen in the show…at least to me.

Blake said the group needed space and that’s exactly what Oscar did. He went off on his own, let out whatever negativity he needed to get off his chest in that moment doing who knows what, came back and by the time the group found him, he was fine. All things forgiven if there was anything to forgive. Whatever lingering discomfort that Oscar might have harboured for Jaune was easily washed away when Jaune apologized and Oscar could see and hear how genuinely remorseful Jaune felt for his actions.

Though I still would’ve liked the episode to have shown how Oscar came to terms with his emotions and getting over it, I can’t be 100% mad anymore at the Writers for choosing to have Oscar adopt that attitude after the events of V6 C8…cause if it were me, I probably would’ve reacted and resolved the same way as Oscar did. I would’ve been cussing Jaune’s face in my mind for how he treated me with a face as straight as a pin but I would have forgiven him all the same after seeing how hurt he was for the things said and done and would have chosen to move on from the problem with better resolve; just as Oscar did.

I saw myself in Oscar while rewatching this moment and for that, I can’t be too mad at the writing for C9. Still mad. But not too mad. Only 65% versus the original 101%.  Oscar Pine--- right in the relatability! That’s why he’s my favourite!  This scene showed me how mature Oscar is for his age in how he takes in problems and decides to address them despite being the youngest of the group. 

Basically what I’m saying is that Oscar is a good boy. He’s such a good boy. Too much of good boy. Sigh. Please don’t hurt my precious freckled baby boy too much CRWBY. I want him to grow up big and strong and devilishly handsome so that he can sweep Ruby off her feet and the rosebuds can get married in 5-10 years and live happily ever after on a farm or whatever plot of land they can afford wherever in New Remnant during a time when the Gods have returned, the kingdoms are at peace again, the Grimm are there but are no longer the monstrous threat they used to be so that Oscar and Ruby’s future string band of children can grow up in a world void of war and the threats of the former Salem who would have moved on to have her happy ending with Ozma at long last in the afterlife. The end.

Returning to my point on Oscar and Salem now. Just as how Ozma arrived to free Salem from her captivity, you can almost say that the same was done for Oscar when Ozpin's arrival sparked his departure from home to become a huntsman. In a way, Ozma’s presence in Salem and Oscar’s lives gave them the push they needed to take the first step towards the freedom and change they both desired.

But as I mentioned before. Though Oscar and Salem share parallels, the defining difference between them is how either values others over themselves. As much as Salem’s past with Ozma made me empathize with her as a villain, it doesn’t excuse the fact that Salem is a person who is mostly out to achieve her own desires above anyone else’s. As a matter of fact, the revelation of her past and involvement with the destruction of Remnant only affirms my point. In her past life, Salem was probably so used to looking out for herself due to her years of isolation that it sort of developed a warped sense of egocentrism (not the word I was looking for but I’ll roll with it) that later translated into her relationship with Ozma.

I'm not denying the fact that Salem loved Ozma nor am I trying to imply that her feelings for him weren’t genuine at all. On the contrary, Salem definitely loved Ozma proving that she is capable of compassion. This is one of the things that makes Salem a far more intriguing villain to me now. What I appreciate about Salem and essentially Ozpin-Ozma too is that despite that fact that both represent the sides of good and evil in show; neither are entirely what they’re supposed to represent. They actually very gray characters.

Though Ozpin is the hero and personifies light and the preservation of all life in Remnant, Ozpin has been noted to have done some shady things that otherwise painted him in a negative light as we saw most of all this volume.

The same can be said for Salem. Although she is our main villain, I’ve noted times where Salem has shown a softer, kinder, even motherly side to her to some degree. For example, her relationship with Cinder Fall in particular. Cinder is Salem’s apprentice and the way Salem treats Cinder is almost like a surrogate mother with her daughter.  

I mean, Salem could have easily had Cinder killed with a snap of her finger just as she did with Lionheart and have her Maiden magic extracted and given to someone else more worthy if she so desired. We all know she has the capability to do that. So then why not do it? What reason does Salem have to keep Cinder alive especially knowing fully well how she is?

I don’t know about you guys but it reminded me of a strict parent punishing their child but still going easy on them. Still keeping a close eye on them because they know their child so well that they have full confidence that they’ll ultimately come of their senses.

 That’s why Salem is leaving Cinder alone to quote, ‘toil in her isolation until she redeems herself’. She’s punishing her but at the time, Salem also knows that Cinder will come back stronger and far deadlier than she was before because of this experience and that’s what Salem wants. It’s what she expects of her perfect apprentice. Her successor.

But here’s the thing. Salem loved Ozma and in the end, she still put her own desires about even him. Even if Salem is capable of loving someone, her selfish nature always resurfaces to prevail in her endeavours.

Rather than honouring Ozma's life and allowing him to rest as the God of Light said, Salem challenged the Gods again and again until it resulted in her winding up immortal but alone; cursed to walk Remnant’s face until the world is either destroyed or Salem learnt the value of life as the God of Light had hoped she would.

Did she though? Well that fact that she’s trying to gather all Four Relics while simultaneously making plans to jumpstart a Second Great War within the kingdoms of Remnant which would throw the world into the perfect chaos to get it permanently destroyed by the Gods’ return speaks volumes of how much she still hasn’t learned her lesson yet.

Salem may have loved Ozma and the life they built together after he returned but even that was later upturned by Salem’s own selfishness. From the get go Salem has only catered more for herself and even after all these years, she still refuses to see the light of what the God of Light warned her about herself. Say what you will about the Gods. Though the Brothers are also pretty grey characters themselves, it doesn’t change the fact that there was justification behind their actions with Salem. A lesson to be learnt that’s unfortunately still being avoided.

Salem was cursed with immortality because she refused to let go of her selfishness after attempting to trick the Gods into granting her desired wish of being reunited with her lover. As the God of Light rightfully said, in the beginning, when Salem made her first attempt to revive Ozma, her motives were worth pitying. As a viewer, I felt for Salem the first time. However after her second failed attempt and watching the people of First Remnant get manipulated and killed because of her personal vendetta against the Gods, my sympathy well dried up as I started to see Salem become the antagonist I know her to be.

And what’s even more depressing and noteworthy is that even after causing all that death and chaos to Remnant, Salem still did not learn her lesson and she still hasn’t to this current timeline in RWBY. She still continues to pursue her own desires and see the lives of others as nothing more but tools to use in her pursuit of what she wants.

This brings me to the meat of my post and why I’ve been making parallels between Oscar and Salem.

I have this theory---one that I’ll delve deeper into in a future musing--- about Oscar becoming an immortal just like Salem. Hear me out on this one. What if… Oscar meets the God of Light in the Realm between Realms similar to Ozma and asks him to grant him immortality. Not because he wants to preserve his own life but for the selfless motive of him desiring to use his newfound immortality to protect the people Oscar cared about while taking on the full mantle of saving humanity from the plight of Salem and her forces without the need to force Ozma and any more unsuspecting souls after him with such a task.

Imagine if… Oscar willing sacrificed his own life to end it. End the cycle and let it start over with him alone.  

Imagine if…Oscar became the last Wizard of Light. The only Wizard and the cycle resets with him as he’s turned immortal.

As I said, I plan to go more in depth with this theory soon in another musing but it’s definitely something I think could be a potential twist with Oscar’s story. I don’t want to put it as an expectation but I would love to play around with the concept of it.

I’ve seen many Pineheads worrying over Oscar being taken over by Ozpin completely or losing himself to the Merge so to counter that, I raise this possibility of Oscar essentially becoming the last reincarnate---the Last Wizard of Light as he willingly choses to dedicate the rest of his existence to stopping Salem while Ozpin, Ozma and all the other past Wizards culminated inside him over the centuries can finally be laid to rest knowing that Oscar will be the likeminded successor to carry out their legacy and mission all on his own and of his own choice as himself going forward.

If you’ve read any of my Oscar-themed musings and theories before, y’know I’ve been singing this idea of Oscar being the end to the reincarnation cycle along with him being the true reincarnate of Ozma’s original form.

I still stand very firmly by those theories because the series has set up Oscar being special---completely different from the other Wizards. The lingering question brought up in this series is whether or not Oscar will be just another one of Ozma’s lives to live out and I don’t think he will be. I believe the very fact that Ozpin reincarnated within Oscar of all people at such a young age compared to the other lives and in such a short space of time between rebirths was the first sign of how different his journey was going to be.

In the Legend of Korra series, Korra technically became the last Avatar and first Avatar in the second book. Basically the Avatar cycle sort of reset itself with Korra.

So I’d like to think Oscar will follow a similar experience where the reincarnation cycle will change with him. Oscar could symbolize the end and beginning to a new cycle. That’s why I like the concept of him becoming immortal. Instead of Ozma’s soul being reborn in the minds of different men and those souls coming together to form who we know today as the Wizard, Oscar will be the last one so that the next time Oscar dies---either he’ll die for good (meaning the God of Light strips him entirely of the reincarnation curse) or Oscar won’t die and will be reborn as himself at the last point of death or perhaps he’ll get to stay fourteen years old forever until Salem is defeated. Who knows? Overall I really love the idea of Oscar becoming an immortal just like Salem.

I mean sure Ozma had his reincarnation curse but technically his immortality wasn’t the same as Salem’s. Jinn did allude to Salem, quote, ‘meeting her adversary in time’. Of course, at the moment of revelation, the obvious assumption to that for me was Ozma since he’s the one we know is Salem’s main opponent.

However…Ozma once shared a relationship with Salem. He had a past with her. He loved her and I’d like to think that love is still there buried deep within. I don’t want to say that Ozma’s love for Salem has been his crutch but that little titbit is starting to make me wonder that perhaps…the true adversary that Salem was supposed to have wasn’t Ozma or any of the Wizards after him. It was Oscar.

For all we know, what if…Ozma and the other incarnates were just another experiment conducted by the God of Light similar to how he said Remnant was an experiment for him and his brother to learn from.

Imagine if… Light basically used Ozma and the other Wizards as guinea pigs in his formation of the perfect adversary for Salem---one the Gods believed could truly achieve what his successors could not. Defeat Salem once and for all and undo their mistake of the past. That could be an intriguing twist too. It does paint the Gods in a very heartless light more so than the actual canon did unfortunately but still worth tossing out as a theory y’know.

But yeah, that’s the theory I’m working with for now.

Returning to the original point of this response post, I know I’m hoping for Ruby and Oscar’s love to parallel Ozma and Salem in some ways but not all parallels have to end the same. Just because Ozma and Salem’s love ended in tragedy doesn’t mean that the same will befall Ruby and Oscar for their potential love story.

If Oscar and Ruby were to fall in love, I’d love to believe their love will be different. It’ll probably have its own fair share of harsh challenges particularly the ones stirred by Salem but it will be a different story with a much better end. A happier ending than the Fairy Tale lovers.

Y’know what’s ironic and what would best summarize my answer to this post. It was Ozma and Salem’s love that admittedly brought about the end of humanity in a way when you think about it. All the more reason for me to believe that it’ll be the love between Oscar and Ruby that will save the world. The relationship to blossom between them, the love and devotion they’ll come to share for each other and the people they care about---that’s what’ll save both Remnant and Salem from damnation.

I know it sounds cheesy but I do love me a good plate of cheese in romance.

More Squiggles’ RWBY Content

 ~LittleMissSquiggles (2019)

[smoothconcreteandperkysunsh-blog]

Eugh.

Why do we feel the need to do updates when we haven't been on an app for damn near a year? Anyway-

Doing better health-wise. Lungs aren't falling apart so much anymore, I'm coughing up much less gunk and I can breathe better again. I'm going to take this opportunity to try and not be so doom minded anymore. I figure as corny and cliché as it is to be so happy in the face of a much shorter life expectancy, I may as well try to make something of it for others before I die.

I think that's what most people fear when they really think and realize it too. It could be dying alone, or in front of their lover, or without ever getting to say their proper goodbyes to their lover. However all of that is rooted so deeply in the memories that those two have created with each other.

Getting tangential, I'll bring it back around. I've just got some things I need to write out of my head.

I lost the girl of my childhood's adoration recently to very selfish and self-centered desires and idealogies on her behalf. I decided to let her take reigns if her own decisions and she decided I didn't to be a part of her life to be fulfilled or happy as a person. I felt entirely abandoned and dropped off yet; From the very first moment we met on the swingset at Knox Elementary School in Chandler, Arizona I knew I wanted to be with her and make a life with her and maybe even a kid or two after we got the fuck out of the desert we were in and maybe even get our own house with a bunch of animals and a pool and all the cheesy shit that makes a lump form in your throat and cry when you say it out loud, fuck me dude.

I really thought through all of the California shit we could finally grow old and grey together and for the past 3 years we fucking were dude. We ran through the the streets at night together, ran our fingers through each others hair, held each other and felt each other in such sensual, non-sexual ways, we learned each others minds and bodies, we learned each others inner thoughts about the world around us. We went out to the desert where the surface streets ended and just stared up at the night sky in each others presence. We literally owned the night and no one had more fun with each other than we did, fight me over it. We laughed and cried together, watched our friends leave us and find others together, watched fires and floods together, been on top of and beside each other, rolled on the floor like we were ferrets together. Made love and didnt just fuck each other, unless we both knew we wanted it. And when we did, we knew the difference between the physical and mental meshing and bonding of a body and spirit, and pure primal and corporeal pleasure. We knew each others flaws and utmost weaknesses and we never went at them just to feel dominant to the other. We just, lived and loved together.

But now that's all gone. Has been for almost two months now.

Now I don't know if I should take the chance on my love life anymore. Not so much out of cowardice and the fear of being hurt. Neither of those feelings exist within what I recognize to be the core of my being anymore. She took those with her when she left. In many ways you could say she's made me more immune to feeling things than I ever was before we got together.

Which in itself is an oxymoron but like... What else is there to say to describe when you were born into this world with an innate sense of ambivalence towards others and literally only two people have ever stuck out among the hundreds you've come into pass with? With outstanding exception none the less.

I can say shamelessly that I've been with someone just for the sexual gratification of feeling desired by another but only because it was with just that one. And God damn did I learn my lesson with being with someone without feeling for them. Her name was Ariela and I was literally a God to her. She was submissive to a fault. Not to mention very co-dependant on penis being in her to have any sense of self value or worth. I did everything in my power at the time to help her mentally and help her become better as a person morally and value-wise. She didn't want it. She wanted to be the center of pity and negative attention at every chance so she could feel justified in snapping back at the slightest resistance to anything she held valuable. She drained me of too many necessary emotions that I needed to have about me to function as a young man and it absolutely had a hand in pulling me away from my friends in California.

And yet as sad and regressive as it is. I don't know if I can properly explain it, but I do still have love to spare within me for another. Im more than willing to create memories with this outstanding individual. She probably knows it but is significantly more than likely no longer interested in a future with me if ever at all to begin with. And I know this. And I don't have any say in changing that because if I'm being honest with myself she's literally the closest thing to a perfect human being in terms of intelligence, awareness and compassion for other outstanding humans that I have ever been graced with a "Hey" by; And I'm literally just a plain-faced caveman in comparison. And like, that's life. I fucked up on my end more than enough times than she should ever have to put up with from a friend.

All of that said, we never communicated properly what was in our heads about how we felt specifically about each other. We both were afraid of certain aspects of changing a friendship and out of that fear we- well, I cant speak for her but I- know that I decided to be passive and on the sidelines when I should've been more, well less of a bitchy and emotionally needy teenager about everything. Not so much making any moves in terms of making myself stand out amongst a literal crowd of others that were vying for her genuine attention. But out of all that I learned that I needed to be more of a man amidst the boys I was also around.

The adults in my life have always pointed out that I'm more mature than others in my generation, yet when it came time to BE the more mature amongst the others in my generation I failed. Failed hard. Failed so hard I doubled down on the bitchy and emotional-ness and more or less let those particular people in California try to live their lives like I'd never been in them, just as they were before I moved to California.

And I think it was then and there that I realized it. The being remembered thing.

I've had friends, and friends of friends, and "best" friends all come on to me, sexually. As in the dance with no pants variety of coming on to me. And I shut them down, dead in their fat assed, busty tracks. Because for one, I didnt want the sex. I wanted the connection, affection and attention. And two, the feelings for my childhood love and at-the-time crush (God I hate and love that word, it really truly does only work for highschool sweethearts doesn't it?). And all of those particular people were able to pass me up and drop me after the sex was denied. They didn't want to remember me, they wanted to remember the novelty of the orgasms and fleshly pleasure I gave them in the taboo of the social circles we were in. One in particular I knew just wanted to fuck me to piss off another, and that stuck out in my mind.

My point being! Those people haven't talked to me since I moved and those people didnt talk to me when I was there. They lacked a fear of not being remembered that I think the two mentioned far above did. I know that for a fact about Desiree. But I could be entirely wrong about the California girl in every which way, but ya know what dude? When you sit and watch sunsets with a guy every day for almost 3 weeks in a row and most of that time is spent talking about each others day, what's going on in our lives and awkward arm-over-the-shoulder cuddling; Spend a large number of nights watching anime and poking each other, spending many an overnights conversation with each other in person and over the phone. It's kind of bass ackwards to say there wasn't a flicker of something going on there.

And for me, those two are always going to be quite literally burned into my memory above others. Not all of them, more like aside from them. Congruent if you will. Because we made unintentionally or otherwise, very potent memories. On my end they did at least. See that there? That's what the purest and most potent form of fear inside an eternally broken man's heart looks like on paper. Well, screen.

Uncertainty.

Indiscernability of the soul.

Not really knowing. Anymore or to begin with.

These things literally kill us every day. Inside and out. Not risking the pain, not seeking the truth. Being afraid of losing and tarnishing a connection with someone you say you can love shouldn't be allowed-

Is what I would've said had I never gotten to feel what I knew was true love with the love of my life. If I hadn't been given a genuine shot with an outstanding and beautiful in every aspect individual. If I hadn't been given the chance to fuck up, I wouldn't have been given the chance to feel. This is equivalent exchange at its finest and if I could tell you both face to face, our time with and around each other was not a faustian bargain. Because even if I didn't get the future I envisioned with one of you, and another any future at all. I still got memories that will never not be a part of me and if I can offer you two anything,

You wont be forgotten. You will be remembered. So no longer live your lives with the fear of not being. It's an enormous weight off of your conscience.

[fairycosmos]

+ i have a job interview tomorrow and i just cant go. its a rlly good job but i just cant. idk why. maybe its my anxiety or me sabotaging myself again. i know my mom will think im a failure. but i just want to keep studying. i want to keep trying. it just feels more important. i want to want be alive before anything else. do you think im lazy?? iknow you'll never anwser this but should i go anway? is it awful that i never had a job? i just feel like a bum. idk sorry for putting this on u.

hey. no, i dont think you’re lazy at all. quite the opposite. i admire you a lot for caring so much about your studies, for wanting to make something of yourself and for continuing to try your best even though you’re going through such a difficult time at the moment. that’s a lot easier said than done, and yet you’re still managing it, which is really fucking cool. you should be proud. and listen, i’m 18 as well, and i’ve never had a job either. it’s super, super common. it’s not like it’s easy to get a job these days, especially while you’re still studying. and just cause you’re older now doesn’t mean you’re singularly responsible for the financial situation of your family. it’s not just down to you to make money, and that’s not your sole purpose in life. also, you’re definitely accomplishing more than i am, seriously. i know the world kind of pushes the idea that you’re only worth something if you’re constantly being used, if you’re constantly providing money or results or good grades. but that’s genuinely not true. it takes years and years to come to terms with the fact that it’s not true, but it’s not. honestly, how ‘well’ you perform from a capitalistic standpoint doesn’t reflect who you are as a person. how you treat others, how you choose to experience life, your interests and your hobbies - those all say more about you than whether or not you have a job. i know you’re not going to believe me, but you being here is good enough. your presence is the most important thing.  it probably feels like i’m lying, and it will for a long time, but if you start letting that idea into your mind, you’ll begin to accept it eventually. 

your parents clearly have fucked up priorities. and i’m sorry. because you deserve so much better than that. having a bad relationship with them will always be shitty, and you’re totally allowed to feel whatever you need to feel about it. anger, sadness, bitterness, fear, guilt. process it all one day at a time. as long as you try to cope with those emotions in a healthy way (letting yourself cry, talking about it, writing about it, practicing self affirmations), then you’re doing fine. but at the same time, there comes a point where you have to realize that your family have no idea what the fuck they’re talking about. they really, really dont. if they only want to acknowledge you when you’re in a top school or when you have a great fucking job, then they dont deserve you at all. they wont even give you a chance to find your balance. seriously. they wont even cut you any slack. you owe them nothing but respect and since they dont respect you, you dont even owe them that. i dont know how else to put it but i cant stress it enough, they’re awful for making you feel so bad for no reason. i know exactly how you feel. and it’s just. like there’s no point in constantly overexerting yourself for the approval of people that are NEVER going to be satisfied. how they feel about you isn’t actually about you. it’s about them, and their own fucked up mindsets. you are not alive to serve them. you are not alive to be exactly who they want you to be, you know? this is YOUR life, not theirs. and it’s the only one you’re ever going to get. so if you have to make a few choices that disappoint them, then so be it. they’ll either get over it or fuck off, and either way you’ll be better off. it’s ok to start making choices for yourself, man. and it may take some time before you work up the courage to do so, but that’s alright too. it’s all a learning process. 

it seems like your anxiety/depression is the real crux of all of this, though. it’s really worrying, what you said in your other ask. my heart dropped reading it. if you dont confront that issue then you wont like it anywhere, because you wont like being yourself. whether you get a great job, or make a shit ton of money, or continue to study. whatever path you take, you’ll only be truly comfortable if you make your mental health a priority. you have to take it seriously. it’s okay to put yourself first, before the people around you, before school and work. because struggling with a mental illness is one of the most difficult things in the world. and you dont have to beg anyone to understand that. are you currently on any medication, or seeing a therapist or some sort of counselor? if you are, is it possible for you to ask for additional support? and if you haven’t spoken to anyone, is than an option for you? even if you just begin by talking to your usual doctor, to see if he/she can refer you to someone? if you’re worried about money, there are low cost/free options, too. it’s just that, suicidal thoughts are not something you just have to ‘put up with.’ and they’re certainly not something you have to deal with alone. others have been exactly where you are, others understand more than you realize. you dont have to hurt yourself outwardly to show that you’re hurting inwardly, alright? if you believe anything i say, believe that. your life is so precious and rare and significant, man. and where you’re at right now truly isn’t where you’re always going to be. you’re not trapped, you have a choice to make. making the conscious effort to seek help, to admit that you need some guidance, will make a massive difference in your perception of everything. if you work closely with a professional, then you’ll be able to create a care plan for yourself, you’ll be able to learn how to incorporate healthy coping mechanisms into your life, you’ll be able to find the root causes of why you feel the way you do. you’ll be able to talk openly about your family, and the way they make you feel, and your worries about the future. all of that will make the pain manageable. there is treatment available. it wont be an instant improvement, but reaching out is a wonderful place to start. your mental health is just as important as your physical health. and of course, there will always be a part of your mind that tries to talk you out of it. there’ll always be that moment of anxiety/fear, when you dont know what you’re doing. but you need to try to look past that, and to have a bit of empathy for your future self. temporary feelings should never stop you from getting the care that you need. so even if you just begin by calling a hotline to see what they think you should do next, then that’s still something to be v proud of.

i know it’s hard. i get it. i understand more than i can put into words. and i know that asking for help is a massive step. i’m not saying you have to make any big decisions right now. i’m just asking you to consider it, consider yourself for once in your life. i know there are days where you feel like living like this isn’t worth it at all. you dont want to live like this anymore, right? and you dont have to, but killing yourself wont solve anything. it’s ok to feel like giving up sometimes. as long as you know the difference between having a thought, and actually acting on it. you dont have to lean into the pain, you can just let it wash over you. your mental illnesses and your family and all of the bullshit is stopping you from seeing how wonderful and worthy you are, how much life still has to offer you. there’s so much you haven’t experienced. there is so much happiness waiting in the future. it won’t be constant, but it’ll become a theme in your life. you have all of the time in the world to figure things out. this is the exact age that you’re supposed to be confused and lost, and to not know what to do. you don’t have to have everything worked out right now. you’re doing so much better than you think you are, i promise. the only thing you have to worry about is taking care of yourself. that’s the only thing that’s truly in your control. you can create a better environment for yourself. you can create a life that you dont want to escape from, and that’s what you truly need. not to die but to re-envision your own existence. it’s healthy to do that from time to time. 

as a sidenote, it’s completely up to you whether or not you go to the job interview. there’s no pressure, there’s no wrong answer. but i just hope you know it’s okay to take things at your own pace, regardless of what your dumb ass family has to say. i think the smartest move for you to make is to put all of your energy into reaching out for help. continue to study, just put it on the back burner for now. continue to look for a job (tho i think smth part time is realistically a better option for you), but dont put all of your self worth into it. more than anything, this is a transitional period in your life. it’s the stepping stone between here and there. uncertainty is to be expected, anxiety is to be expected, but that doesn’t mean you have to handle it all on your own. i believe with all of my heart that you’re going to be okay. you said ‘i want to be alive before anything else.’ you should always hold onto that. you’re so fucking capable, and you’re so much stronger than you realize, dude. i’m not bullshitting. i’m being straight up. keep taking it one day at a time. if that feels like too much, one hour at a time. even getting through one minute at a time is something to celebrate. look at the next 24 hours of your life, and see what you can do in that time to help yourself - fuck everything else. i’m always here if you need a friend, or if you want to talk about this properly. i’m sorry i couldn’t be of more help. if you ever need anyone, hmu. if you think you’re going to do something, hmu. and please stick around. you’re not going to regret it.

http://ibpf.org/resource/list-international-suicide-hotlines

[alterlifes-a]

tag muns you want to know better; repost - don’t reblog.

What inspired you to try/create that muse/s: well , if you’ve been with me long enough then you know that tooru started out as an AU ! o.ikawa t.ooru, where instead of attending s.eijou , he went to s.hiratorizawa ! to be honest , i kind of just wanted to try my hand at writing that kind of thing ? it was the very first time i had made a tumblr rp blog , so i had no idea that people rp different verses of the same character on one blog !! i originally rp’d on deviantart , and it was very commonplace to have different blogs for different verses ... i had over 70 rp blogs on there and most of them were literally the same 2 characters but in different AUs LMAO ... so imagine my surprise when i saw people rp’ing different AUs on one blog ... RP’ing multiple muses on one blog ... !! but i kinda just stayed with my iteration instead of playing canon ! kawa anyway , since i didn’t really see the point in starting over . as tooru developed more , though , i began to use him as a venting tool because this was a part of my life where i was really depressed . but as time grew on and i eventually made him into an OC , he became a much happier character . he really is my best friend ; he’s been there for me through it all , and even though he’s just fictional , i really owe him a lot for helping me out during rough times .

What is inspiration for that muse/s: well , currently , a lot of things ... lots of music , japanese culture + religion , and also my own experiences . in general , i have a p.interest board for him , so ... maybe you could say i draw inspiration from that , too ! i also rly enjoy the band MILI . their songs really fit tooru , like ‘ bathtub mermaid ’ . i’ve also been listening to hello , again and am planning on drawing something based on it for him ( + the song’s prequel , “ goodbye ” ) . i mainly tend to daydream while listening to songs , so ... yeah . as for characters who serve as inspiration for tooru ... well , i think that’s an artist meme , so i might just fill it in in lieu of answering this properly lol ... but two i can think of off the top of my head are leon from f.ire e.mblem e.choes and n.eferpitou from h.xh ! 

Thread/AU that made you really happy: B.NHA AU ... !! i’m hyperfixating sm on that one ... idk , a lot of planning and plotting goes into it , esp since a lot of my mutuals are in the fandom . in particular , i love love love the story i’ve created with @noquirk . i literally cannot envision a more perfect plot for tooru in this verse . heck , it’s literally my main go - to timeline when i draw / write for it . tooru is , quite literally , not very much in this AU without deck .

Something really special on your wishlist: sh ... more ships ... ships to draw and animate and make animatics to ... also i need to get my butt into gear and finish my JRPG AU group lol .

Something you are looking for in short future for your muse: blease tooru help me get thru the school year ... also i have some animatics in the back burner so i’m looking forward to getting those done !

Share something related to your muse!: his canon story , in parallel motion , deals with existentialism and alternate universes . ultimately , it’s a story that serves as a physical manifestation of my own struggle with depression , and while it’s sombre in tone , i want it to tell whoever’s reading it , “ you matter . ” it’s why tooru is placed into so many marginalized groups ; he’s fat and trans and biracial and bi and suffers from bpd + depression + anxiety but he’s a good person through it all ... his story is tragic because he’s not allowed to exist and will be forgotten when he dies , but his existence impacts so many other characters’ lives ... it’s a butterfly effect kind of thing . because you exist , you’ve made so many peoples’ lives better . and i understand it’s rough and i understand depression + sucky real life aspects try to convince you otherwise , but just ... think about it . there’s an alternate universe where , because you don’t exist , something huge was probably impacted . and even on a smaller , more intimate scale --- if you hadn’t existed in another life , then one of your friends might not be here . they might not be as happy as they are now , because you make them happy . life can be awful . but it’s wonderful and beautiful , too . that’s what i want tooru to be to others . someone to look up to and relate to , and someone who tells you , “ it’s okay ! ”

What do you think about character’s design/how do you came up with this: he’s ... kinda generic LOL mainly cause he’s based off of o.ikawa looks - wise due to his origin ... but part of his looks also derivate from an old ask blog muse i had :

i just really like that bangs - over - one - eye hairstyle ngl ... also i have no idea how / when his hair became maroon - brown since o.ikawa’s hair is chestnut brown , but ... yeah . also have no idea when he gained red eyes HDKJSFS,,,, i find fangs appealing on a character though , so that’s why he has fangs and does the :3c ... honestly i think i kinda just slapped together what i like in a design and put it on him , so even though he may look like an NPC ( lol ) , he’s still appealing in my eyes .

What your muse taught you: how to love being alive ... ( i’ve actually written an essay for a class about how he’s helped me through depression haha ... he means a lot to me , can you tell ? )

What is roleplay for you: all of you are awful and yet here i am anyway so really this says more about me than anything else .

Just say something nice about other mun!: @onfaith you are my ANGEL you mean sm to me and i wish u all the best with your studies  /  @tikkvn i love u sm cass ur an amazing person n a wonderful existence never forget that  /  @juuheart notay is my fave bleach chara also ur art is so cute  /  @wuvlite if i die all my money goes to u so u can keep drawing holy SHIZ ur art is #inspiration  /  @queznak ur very interesting and charismatic as a person  !!!  /  @uzvisen idk how to spell ur url this took me 3 tries but also ilysm  /  @conhnhaketon i also cant spell ur url but i hope ur doing well n ur eid was good , ik we’ve both been busy but i would live for u  /  @quirkthief ur one of my fave ppl i will forever tag u in shibes also i’ve supported u in u saying afo was hot even when he looked ugly n now i get to watch everyone who made fun of u writhe bc he is rly rly hot hahaha  /  @noquirk you’re so talented pls never stop what ur doing  /  @aerve you’re rly cool !!! 100% support u in everything u do ! >:0  /  @starbooms aries ur so creative ugh ... ur mind !!!!!! ik we don’t talk much but ur v fun  /  @bendsair i forget what other blogs ur on but chris ur the coolest #TalkRomania2Me  /  @creatied we don’t talk much either but ur graphics r so aesthetically appealing wowzers !!  /  @daimnas i’m wuv you amari !! also my french sucks but uhhh comment ca va ( i’m too lazy to find the accented ‘c’ dsfhi ) ??  /  @soarsun i’ve only known u for a few weeks but if anything happened to u i would kill everyone on this website n then myself  /  @quirkgifter nanners is the coolest n nana is the best grandma in town  /  @natsutodoroki im so jealous u got a canon url as ur rp url LMAO but also ur rly cool n fun even tho we dont talk too frequently !  /  @lechors​ LINNEA I WILL DIE FOR U RIGHT HERE RIGHT N---  /  @ YOU READING THIS BC I’M ABOUT TO FALL ASLEEP : YOU’RE AWESOME AND GREAT !

Tagged by: stole it from @queznak Tagging: whomstever 

[watermonkey0]

4th Point of Contact *Preview*

Preview of Mission Report #1 of ‘4th Point of Contact’ (Do Kyungsoo x Harper Hasagawa)

Please let me know what you think with notes and comments! @trinitysroses

“Never cut a tree down in the wintertime. Never make a negative decision in

a low. Never make your most important choices when you are in your worst

moods. Wait. Be patient. The storm will pass. The spring will come.”               

--Robert Schuller

The world was a drenched grey scale, tilted on its axis, hanging skewed on the scale of forever. The balance was off. I felt it, the rocks felt it, the sea felt it. We were lost in the shift, forgotten between the strands of this new fabric of universe we’d found ourselves in. I didn’t fit in here, the island under my boots didn’t piece together here, the ocean roiling before me would never be calm here. It was a tempest, crashing against the cliff, crashing against my heart, the pieces left of it. We competed to see who was loudest in this new truth, and I think I won. The whirlwind ripped out of me with enough force to shatter the canted rocks, to silence the ravaging sea. I was more than them, but I was less than nothing. There was no way to tell if the rain hitting my face was from the sea, from the sky, or from me. But it pounded into my skin, each drop a punch. Let them come! I wanted it, I wanted them to wash off this illusion, strip away this lie, because it wasn’t real, it couldn’t be.

“Hello?” The voice said, and the ocean fractured---

I woke with a jolt.

“Harper? Harper!” My mother was screaming as Fall Out Boy was blaring through the speakers of my phone.

Strange, I thought as I rolled out of bed. It had been at least six weeks since I’d dreamt of that night. Memories were funny things, but dreams were worse. I’d done well for the past few months, avoiding any unnecessary triggers, but who knows? Maybe it was because ‘Thnks fr th Mmrs’ was playing on a loop and I still hadn’t answered the phone.

“Harper! Will you turn that down already!” She yelled again from downstairs.

“Okay okay!” I hollered back, grabbing the iPhone from the dresser and swiping the green button without even looking to see who it was. “Hasagawa.” I answered with a yawn. Enough time had passed that I no longer screened my calls, not that anyone but my mother called my anyway, but my heart always beat a little bit faster in those first few moments. Because, what if…

“Sergeant?”

I pulled the phone away from my face, gaping at the massive mistake I’d just made. The caller ID listed a  +81 country code, prefecture 98--Naha. “Sergeant? Are you there?”

“K-Kojima?” I mouthed. The ghosts seemed to be out in full force today as I dropped to the edge of my bed. I didn’t even have a bra on, I hadn’t even brushed my teeth! It was too early for this!

“Yokatta! You finally answered! I’ve been calling all day.” A morning of muffled Patrick Stump seemed a likely enough explanation for my mother’s mood, but still, it was like two am in Okinawa--I glanced at the clock on my nightstand and sucked in a horrid realization: 13:15 blinked at me in big block numbers, and I practically threw my phone.

“Ohmygod! I’m late for work!” I screamed and flew around the room, grabbing pants, forgoing the bra, screwing the toothbrush.

“What? Sergeant? Hello?” Kojima’s tiny voice squeaked from the speaker in my hand, but I ignored it. One boot after the other, I tumbled down the stairs. I heard mom in the kitchen, and figured I was late enough to yell at her and not cause any more damage than I already had.

“Why didn’t you wake me up!” I howled as I stormed through. She was unphased, chopping vegetables on the kitchen island like I howled all the time. I clocked the knife but assumed she’d let me get fired first before she used it.

“What would I wake you up for?” She asked nonchalantly, decapitating a carrot that I envisioned my face on.

“Uhh, my job?” I hissed as I snatched a smoothie from the fridge and b-lined for the garage door.

“Oh they called this morning.”

My heels clicked together in a halt. My back was turned to her but I could tell she’d been waiting all day to have this conversation, just by the way she was massacring those veggies. Not to mention her answering my phone while I was asleep! Without giving away my temper, I rolled my neck and backtracked to the otherside of the kitchen island. We stood face to face, and I tried my very best not to follow through with my reflex to disarm her first.

“And?” I said through my teeth.

“They said don’t bother.” She wrinkled her nose as she said it, like it was only a matter of time, like it wasn’t my third job this month. I let my head fall at her casualness. “Besides,” she went right on, scooping up her murder victims and throwing them in a stew pot, “you have a job.”  

“Moooooom.” I drowned in the syllable of her. Surely people would understand if I just threw her in the pot, right? She was nosey, and pushy, and constantly--

“Shouldn’t you be taking that call?” She used her butcher knife to point at the still ticking call on the face of my cell phone, ignoring my wail.

“Shit.” I muttered as I brought the phone back to front and center. Kojima wasn’t speaking but the timer was clearly still going, he hadn’t hung up.

“Language.” Mom snipped at me as I backed up from the counter.

“I mean shoot.” I corrected snobbishly, but then stopped. “Wait, how did you know he was…?”

“I'm looking forward to the future, but my eyesight is going bad and this crystal ball, it's always cloudy except for when you look into the past…” She started to sing, and all I could was shake my head.

When I was back in the safety of my room, I took a deep breath and put the phone back to my ear.

“Kojima?”

“Your mother has a lovely singing voice.” He chimed and I made a face at the wall.

“That is not something I want to hear from you, Private. Now what do you want?” My Sergeant voice came out without my meaning to, and I flinched at the sound of it.

“Well, I have a situation.” He continued easily, because well...he was used to it.

“I’m not in country, haven’t been in--” I quickly started to deny whatever he was about to ask of me, but he cut me off.

“I’m not dumb, Sergeant.” He snorted. “I talked to your mom, I know you’re in California.”

“Then you should already know that I can’t help you.” I fired back, wondering why I bothered to answer this call in the first place.

“My situation is in LA, and I don’t have anyone else to ask. Otherwise I would have called them.” I let that sink in for a moment, the bittersweet taste of clapback.

“Rude.” Was all I could bring myself to murmur, but he heard me.

“No, you just made your stance very clear is all.”

“What situation could you possibly have in LA?” I steered the conversation away from my ‘stance’ and back to whatever it was he wanted. “I thought you didn’t know anyone in the US.”

“It concerns our mutual friend.” The words sounded careful, even over the phone, and they made me frown at myself in the mirror.

“Mutual?” To my knowledge, Kojima and I didn’t have any mutual friends, not in the US anyway.

“If you have the time…” He trailed off, and I figured he wasn’t going to tell me anymore until I made some small amount of commitment. Glancing at the clock with a sigh, I plopped down on the bed and kicked my boots off.

“I guess I do now.”

Two hours later, I found that my 5.11s still fit, which was a relief, and my fingers laced up my combat boots as if it hadn’t been six months since I even looked at them. All in all, I spent most of the time after the call on my hair because, well...that’s a thing. I pulled it up, let it down, pulled it up, and let it down again. No matter what I did with it, it always morphed into a standard issue bun by magic, like the strands knew no other shape. With a frustrated sigh I raked my fingers through it, surrendering to the down do. It would be a matted mess and get constantly stuck to my cap stick, but at least it wouldn’t look uniform.

I proceeded downstairs quietly, hoping she wouldn’t stop me, but knowing that she would. She’d moved on to a different part of the meal she was preparing as I passed by, quiet and small. She saw me meander through though and paused long enough for us to lock eyes. Then I watched as she took in my gear: the boots, the tactix pants, the pack, the rods.

“Off to work then?” She asked, her voice a cheery imitation of what I knew to be true going on under the surface. Her expression was grave, despite her pleasant question. It was the face she used to make before my deployments; the disconnect of what she was feeling and what she knew to be right. She hated when I went to battle, it reminded her too much of my dad, but she still believed, even when I didn’t, that I was a soldier through and through. But this wasn’t exactly a sanctioned mission.

“Will you bail me out?” I asked sarcastically, hoping to lighten the mood, but she responded with,

“Absolutely,” without hesitation. I cleared my throat, not knowing what else to say, but her eyes were insistent.

“Well, I’m grabbing a train.” I pursed my lips and started for the door.

“To where?” She asked and I winced.

“...South.” I hated this part; the part where she wasn’t allowed to know anything; the part where we left her over and over again without telling her where we were going. When I looked back to see how bad it hurt this time, her face was surprisingly resolute. She looked like she always look: proud, strong, destroyer of vegetables, worried... “Don’t wait up.” I nailed in softly before escaping out the door.

[boingoalive1988]

tranquil, tinderbox, stage, tiger, treasure, illusion? you don't have to do all of these :-)

Hi

Tranquil - Who do you laugh the most with?

oooooh i dont laugh very. often. i laugh most with Myself but thats probably not a good answer. you make me more happy than i usually am though whenever im around you, so i find myself Chuckling at you saying sappy cute stuff to me, which is often, because youre adorable

Tinderbox - What do you cherish most?

short answer, you, long answer, i cherish the present and future i envision with you by my side, the comfort and security of finally having at least a rough idea of where i want my life to be going, bestowed to me by you. i cant imagine going back to being so hopeless about... living in general, after being proven so wrong about thinking that there was nothing here for me, not to get personal on main. i really think that if it were possible for me to let you in, for someone to fall in love with someone who felt so utterly undesirable, anything is possible and itll be okay, even if i dont believe it sometimes

Stage - Do you have a talent?

eeeeuuuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhhmmmmmmmmmmm. calling this a talent is... too strong a connotation but ive always been fascinated by having a Fruity vocabulary since i was very young in elementary school. im good at picking up vocabulary and New Words Thatll Make Me Sound Smart very quickly and at a glance, ironic, given that i am hopeless at learning any new languages. if i wont be able to learn any new languages, i may as well be good at this one

Tiger - What is your bravest moment?

coming out. thats a cop out answer i know but that was the bravest thing ive ever done in my life. writing out this huge coming out text, deciding that immediately after school on the bus that i would send it, and actually doing it. for the past 5 years up until that point i didnt know i had it in me. 5 years of living a double life and deciding to end it, on transit no less where others could see me visibly crying and shaking, bursting into a sob in public when i got a reply that was essentially ‘okay cool’... im a coward, im not a go-getter, its one of my major flaws, but i still did it anyways. up to that moment i had never felt fear in my life, yet i had nothing to worry about. mere months later im being called westley around the house, going to a new school as westley, and going to a gender therapist... wonderful

Treasure - What is your brightest characteristic?

im rather optimistic, not in a peppy way but more in a wistful ‘life finds a way’ way. i really believe things, somehow, will turn out alright. going through pain and misery and coming out the other side a better person is a greatly comforting thought to me. being strong enough to go on despite everything takes willpower, willpower i didnt think i had in me until only very recently. no matter how miserable i feel theres always at least a glimmer of hope in me, and im glad i found it sooner than later

Illusion - Do you have a secret?

do you?

[wannawrite]

You Are // jiaer + yien

A sis is yeOLLING she cant find her english homework and school is being crap on the first 2 weeks I just started sec 1 and there's homework from like 4 different subjects school let me live thank you im SO SO tired ugh anyway i hope your day was amazing,,, please get enough rest and drink ur fluids, all of you - Admin N ♡♡

_________

I climb onto the ride with him with the biggest teasing grin on my face, a twinkle in my eye playing at his little phobia as I say confidently, "You're gonna enjoy this, Yi En ge ge."

Yi En's eyes, gaze even softer than usual when he's timid, look at me with fear as his big, round pupils start to shrink. Unsure of the future in front of him, his mind starts to shrink along like two walls closing in on him, snatching the breath from his lungs. His Adam's apple dips continuously as I feel his sweat glazed fingers wrap themselves around mine into a little cocoon.

"J-Jia Er, I'm scared." he blurts, small figure trembling vigorously like a little butterfly caught in the rain, wings bent and covering his frame. I kiss him on the cheek gently before I flick a finger up, gesturing to my foster brother.

"Yi En, look at the sky." I say. His eyes follow suit, and trail up.

"What do you see?"

"It's...it's blue. And it's blurry." Yi En gulps, swallowing the balls of air particles expanding wider and wider in his throat each time. In an attempt to calm him down briefly, I put a hand around his neck and stroke it gently with my thumb, replying, "You didn't say it was cloudy, did you?"

Yi En looks at me perplexedly, and with the tears shimmering and spiraling themselves around his soft, pretty eyes, he thaws a crack in my heart just by muttering, "There are no clouds."

"That's why," I sniff, placing my thumb to his eyes and freeing the long held back tears out of that beautifully sculpted, mocha brown cage of theirs, "You remove the clouds from your eyes. The sky isn't crying today, so you won't be crying today too, Mark Yi En Tuan. Look at the sky again, and please, try and see a clear one. I'm here for you if you need me, okay? Don't think I'm so bloody incapable because I'm just one year younger. We're in this together." I finish with a little more dignity.

He smiles his soft, dimply smile, the one where the roof of his lips doesnt move as much as other smiles so it looks absolutely adorable, before saying, "Thank you, you smooth little boy. I'll see a lot of clear skies today."

Now I too, have a battle to win against my tears.

"I stole that from Namjoon. He's great at uttering poetic crap like this," I cough modestly as Yi En clambers into the seat next to me. He pulls the harness shaped safety bars over his head, which protects his small waist well. I swear I see a look of panic flash past his face in my peripheral vision as I pull over my own safety bars, and my pulse rate can't help but rise a little. My turn for the gaze in my eyes to bear uncertainty and fear, I ask, "Yi En, are you alright?"

With the small, not so obvious smile that looks even more attractive than his normal, goofy wide ones, he replies, "Yeah, because of you." That smile is coy, and small-not broadcasted to the entire world and spreading around its warmth, but rather, seemingly reserved for my eyes and my eyes only. The sunlight outlines his features and his tiny, tousled black curls, and I can't help but return the smile. My foster brother looks so attractive, he'd definitely pick up a girlfriend in no time when he grew up and puberty hit him like a truck-

"HAHAHAHAHAA, ah, Jia Er, you're so funny." Yi En says, a cheeky look playing on his soft, demure features, not seeming so soft and demure anymore after making fun of my thoughts that had slipped out quickly by that careless, troublemaker 乌鸦 mouth of mine.

"Shut up!" I retort, tints of red splashing onto my cheeks like watercolour roses as a sheepish grin spreads across my face. I bicker for a while with Yi En before we hear a sound, familiar to the construction works that were frequently held at that quaint, boxed in home of ours.

The gears carry us up, and the metallic 'clink clink' sound of the gears smashing against each other ruthlessly pounds and resounds in both our ears. Like the gears, Yi En's teeth smashes together with a 'clak' before they start to chatter, fear swallowing him up as his eyes start to widen in horror.

"Jia-Jia Er, you'll be with me, right?" He sends a weak, quivering smile my way that shakes and crumbles under the harsh brick of fear. A single tear rolling over my rosy, baggy eyelids and onto the metal floor of the car, I reply with the release a shaky breath, "Mark. I'll always be with you. You're my Yi En ge ge, how could I not be here with you? I'd rather die, thank you very much."

"You keep quiet. Don't curse yourself like this."

And just as we say it, the incessant clicking of the gears gradually slow down, before coming to a halt.

The car dips, and the wind whips against our hair and messing it into a little bird nest (for ahgases? wink wonk) as my adrenaline rises at the feeling of gravity seeping away and leaving mine and Yi En's poor heart to beat continuously. We slide down at the speed of lighting, diverse shades of green blurs whizzing past us below. Tingles of pleasure fill my insides, and every cell in me thoroughly basks in the thrill. My eyes aren't closed, not even for one second, and a big goofy grin plasters itself to my face.

"Yi En, isn't this fu-" I say with a grin, turning towards the empty, bright red seat, and in less than a half second, the grin falls off my face, replaced with the pure look of horror that writes itself over my features.

Five long, attractive fingers are rested on the little raised bit of the car entrance, and shock jabs itself quickly at my heart, my heart even becoming shock itself.

"YI EN! YI EN GE GE!" I scream, tears spilling out of my eyes like an unbroken dam. Before I can holler anything else, he quivers, "Jia-Jia Er, don't save me. It's dangerous. The-the safety belt fell off during the drop. I'm sorry. Promise me you'll take care. I love you. You'll always be my hao di di. You're an amazing boy-and you're my number one, all I have left."

"I DON'T CARE! MARK YI EN TUAN, YOU'RE GOING TO TRY AND GET UP. YOU'RE ALL I HAVE LEFT. SOMEONE STOP THIS THING!" I screech, the world starting to be even more blurry than before, due to the panic posessing my mind, but I shake it off-I want to save Yi En. I don't even take notice of the eyes fixated on me and the other screams piercing the atmosphere as I pull off my safety belt to save the hand right in front of me.

Oh.

It's gone.

In front of my very eyes, I see the hand gradually slip off the red surface, and disappear into nothingness.

"YI EN! YI EN, WHY?" I cry, screaming and spitting out a torrent of colourful language at the heavens, for not letting my angel of a brother to live on. Pounding my feet against the metal floor which lets out silvery yelps of pain, I add on once I catch a small puff of breath, "YOU SAID THAT YOU'D BE WITH ME. YOU SAID THAT YOU'D ALWAYS BE THERE FOR ME. YOU'RE NOT GOING TO BREAK YOUR PROMISE LIKE THIS, COME BACK!" I recall how his voice would sing me to sleep, how he said that I'd always have his number if I needed him when I left for my outing that day, and the beats of my heart scream louder than ever, pounding against my chest and my head, both of which possess terrible stings.

He's gone.

Yi En's gone.

The only family I had.

I never cared about the kids who taunted, picked at the me who was parentless. I knew all that I required was the angel sent from heaven to protect me, chase away my nightmares, and most importantly, sent to teach me the ways of love and pain.

And this lesson, was definitely a stab in the heart.

The pain rings in my ear as darkness swallows me up-not that I'd mind, I wouldn't ever imagine a world without Yi En. My world spins around me like a hurricane of rollercoaster-greenery paintings before all my eyes envision is a pitch black, colour finally rid from my world.

I'm lying down.

Am I...

alive?

Or would I even have been alive in a world with colour, however still in a world without Yi En?

"Jackson-hyung..."

______________

[morningpages-louise]

July 22, 2019

Life is a journey of self-discovery. Everything we do. Everyone we meet. All the circumstances is meant for us to learn more things about our energies. So strange, how we spend a lifetime discovering things about ourselves. I think its cause we’re constantly evolving and shifting. We’re always changing, and so there’s always something new to uncover. Lest we remain stagnant. I decided to skip OJT today because I needed to catch up on school work which I have yet to start on, plus I have to get ready for my interview this Wednesday.. LORD pls let me wake up. Because I swear to god, I have a really hard time waking up. I cant even wake up to my 20 alarms anymore, legit. Okay my roommate and her boyfriend just came in and ruined my alone time. Lately, I’ve been thinking about travelling, and what an amazing experience it is to meet new people who grew up in completely different settings and cultures than you did, and exploring foreign cities with those people. I miss Amsterdam. I miss Lille. I miss everything. I really developed an attachment for Amsterdam, it’s insane. I can’t wait to do that soon. But first, I must focus on finishing my thesis. You know, I know I have to eventually move to Canada but right now, I can’t imagine it. Having to leave Manila. Earlier as I was pouring coffee and I did that thing where I pretend like my past self is peering over me, along with all the other people in my life (lol, I really home I’m not the only one who does this but if I am its cool too) and I realized that I’m kind of living the life my younger self had envisioned me to. I’m living in a big, vibrant city (Yes, Manila - the shithole everyone likes to look down on, but which I also secretly love) I’m living in an apartment here (Hello, apartment stories) I’m dressed in clothes I totally could envision my future self wearing. Im out here writing. It’s just crazy, I remember seeing this quote before about how we’re living the lives we once dreamed of yet now, because we’re all wanting new stuff, we’ve forgotten about it and how sad that is. We human beings, we never appreciate what we have until we lose it. Right now, I’m still in an awkward-ish place with Kristine because of the party she threw on saturday, but I’m glad that it happened so if ever she throws one again, I can be like no because of how rowdy the other one was. Like I legit had such a hard time sleeping. Yesterday, i was supposed to do work but dude I’ve just been so tired lately. Always doing something. I never have time for myself, or atleast when I do, I’m too tired to even do anything aside from lie on my bed and scroll mindlessly on my phone. My head isn’t in the right place to create. To write. To read. To process anything. It just wants to be gulay. And I think that’s fine too. But yeah. Conserve your energy. So last night, I was literally just reading Sally rooney’s conversation with friends and I forgot what it was like to be so enraptured in a book. Like I literally had to stop myself from reading. I was so hooked, but I couldn’t stop. Ya know. My thoughts are coming in so slow because I’m so distracted I’m not sure if I’m doing this right because I know freehand writing, you’re not even supposed to put periods or correct any phrases but I sometimes reword mine. Oh well, there is no right way to do boring pages dba. I’m spacing out rn lol so funny. But yeah, time to get moving. I just had several thoughts in mind thats all. After this, I shall probably do my makeup and then get going to commune where I shall work for the remainder of the day. I will do my 1se a day post from yesterday since I kind of just passed out. And then maybe fill out a little gratitude post if I feel like it than ill start working by plotting out the tasks that I need to work on in my little cattleya filler. Its gonna be a productive afternoon :) I shall read an essay after this, and maybe do a little meditation. I usually do my meditations at night and cut it real close to the strike of 12 but I somehow always make it and currently my streak is at 8 :D But yeah I love you Manila, and I’m just trying to make the most of my stay here in Pobla because it might be like 2 Torre where time flew way too fast that I wasn’t really able to create lingering memories in. So yeah, brb Imma be productive for a bit.