#i cannot for the life of me remember the text post editing changes tbh

[rosyviews]

hi besties,,, i am here 2 rock n roll once more

[arofili]

how’d u get into writing? like, writing fic and being part of the silm community, being Known, that stuff? i’m really new to being a silm cc and i’d love to know ur advice! also: how’d u build up the confidence to start posting meta/hcs? bc i have a Lot of hcs and meta ideas but also i’m really anxious abt posting them bc yknow anxiety is like that

these are some great questions, anon! I’m gonna go through them one by one :)

how’d u get into writing?

not to be like, super cliche, but I’ve...kind of always been a writer? as long as I can remember I’ve been telling stories, and when I was too young to read or write I would dictate them to my mom, who would type them up for me and help me choose clipart illustrations to accompany them. when I got old enough I would always be writing; I attempted my first novel at age 9, and while that never really went anywhere I did finish the darn thing and it had some pretty sophisticated plot twists for a 9-year-old!

like, writing fic

around the same time I got into fandom! I was deep into Warrior cats (like. really deep) and I believe I started writing my first fics when I was like? 10 or 11? my memory is kind of fuzzy on the order of things, but I know I got an account on the Warriors forums when I was 9, and that I was already posting my fic there when I made my FFN account. I believe I was 12 when that happened, but who knows. I haven’t the faintest idea of what happened with those forums, but uhhh pretty much all of my Warriors fic is still up on FFN lmao. you could probably find that if you want to but um...maybe don’t?

my first Big Fic was a self-insert of...my entire 5th/6th grade class into the then-current timeline of the Warriors books...well. I honestly think that might still be my most popular fic of all time l m a o though I try not to think about it because Hashtag Cringe. though as much as I look back on that time with a “yikes,” I am very grateful for the Warriors fandom in a way? that place was so accepting and encouraging of OCs, of AUs, of completely disregarding canon, of worldbuilding that is completely alien from canon - it was a fantastic sandbox to begin with, there were so many ways to write stories and practically all of them were accepted and had fellow fans invested in them!

and being part of the silm community, 

soooo I wrote Warriors fic until my freshman year of high school (wow sdjfhkdsjfh), which was when BOTFA came out, and I was absolutely wrecked by the ending and immediately started writing my own fixit fic. I was also super hooked on Kiliel! so that was my intro to the Tolkien fandom; and simultaneously, I joined tumblr, and, well, the rest is history tbh.

I honestly do not remember when I first read the Silm, but I kind of got into the more obscure parts of the Tolkien fandom through fandom osmosis, and I do have a vague memory of doodling the Finwean family tree in geometry class so it might have been later on in freshman year? that was also the same time I was having my Queer Awakening, and Russingon definitely contributed to me unlearning my internalized queerphobia, so probably around then.

anyway - queer awakening, tumblr, Tolkien, transitioning from FFN to AO3 - all of that was happening around the same time. I know I dipped my toes in the Silm fandom then, but I was still primarily a Hobbit fic writer focusing on Kiliel. toward the end of high school I kind of shifted to LOTR and (qp) Gigolas...but somehow the Silm fandom is the most active of the Big Three within the Tolkien fandom, and I was getting dragged further and further in.

it wasn’t until @backtomiddleearthmonth 2019, my freshman year of college, that I really dove into writing Silm fic! I picked some Silm-specific bingo cards and never looked back :D that was really not all that long ago but I am obsessed in a way I don’t really remember being even with TH/LOTR, I obviously cannot see the future but I anticipate hanging out here for a long time. the Silm fandom is great overall and there’s just so much material to work with!! <3

being Known, that stuff?

so I don’t really have a whole lot of context on how “well known” I am in the fandom?? definitely within the past year and a half or so I’ve noticed that I like, get asks like this, and get a significant amount of notes on my posts, and I’ve made a lot of fandom friends especially since I joined some Silm servers on Discord (hmu if you want invites; I’m on the SWG server and 2 general Silm servers and the Russingon server) this past year. and I have 3,000 followers as of this month - and while ever since I hit 1k I don’t particularly pay attention to my follower count I can definitely say that I have more engagement now than I used to! but it took me a long time to build this “audience,” I suppose; I’ve been around the Tolkien fandom since late 2014, so nearly 6 years of this, lol.

really the best way to build a following, in my experience, is to just post a lot of stuff. when I started making edits I got a lot more engagement, because for a long time I would post one every day! (I made them in batches and queued them; I didn’t actually make one every day lol...and now I’m too busy to do that, so I just make edits for events and whenever I feel like it) And I have [checks ao3] 145 works in the Silm fandom as of today - I’m fairly prolific! I’ve come to generally expect 3-10 comments on most of my oneshots, which is a lot more than I used to have back in the day. consistency and quantity are more likely to attract people to your work - and quality, of course.

also: how’d u build up the confidence to start posting meta/hcs?

I’ve been writing since I was very young, and I’ve been writing fic for like...11 years? I think? in that time I’ve produced a lot of garbage, but imo most of that was in my Warrior cats phase, so I came into the Tolkien fandom with confidence in myself and my writing. I’m also working on original fiction on the side (I hope to eventually become a published fantasy author, but right now school takes up most of my time that I don’t devote to fandom, which gives me more immediate gratification and also is just Very Fun) and I know I’m a good writer.

basically, I’ve been doing this for like...half my life, and I’m still fairly young, so I’ve had time to build up my skill and confidence and I know I’m only going to get better with time. you will get better with practice. like I said, I’ve written a lot of terrible stuff, and it’s only through sucking for a long time that I’ve gotten to the point I am now. and I am far from perfect; I know I still have lots of room to grow!

for meta and headcanons specifically, I started with writing fic, and then when I didn’t think I could stretch something into an entire fic I would just make a hc post. I have a vivid memory of writing my first meta in a notebook during driver’s ed because it was so goddamn boring and I had Thoughts about Tauriel and Thranduil!

in my experience, meta comes from having Opinions and wanting to share them and most importantly to back them up - you need to have sources! you need to have reasons! you need to have justification! otherwise it’s not meta, it’s a headcanon or an AU. which is fine!! I love hc/AU!!! but they are not the same as meta, and I’m a stickler for being accurate when it comes to meta. if you have sources and shit to back you up, that will help you build the confidence to share your meta.

sharing disinformation and passing it off as meta instead of just coming out and saying this is a headcanon/baseless theory/AU or whatever is such a fandom pet peeve of mine; it’s not bad for something to not be Accurate! you just have to have that disclaimer - and even when you’re writing meta, you’re offering an interpretation of the text, and you need to acknowledge that other interpretations also exist and are valid.

um. I hope this answers your questions? and sorry for basically word-vomiting my entire life story, lol. this post got long; the main reason I’ve written so much fic is because I really just cannot shut up for the life of me. sooo if you can tear of that filter of being shy and just. say shit. you can go so far~!

OH and one more thing - I can’t believe I almost forgot this - but part of being a writer is participating in the community. this is code for LEAVE A DAMN COMMENT IF YOU LIKE A FIC. that’s how I made most of my fandom friends before Discord! I follow @ao3feed-silmarillion and stalk that blog for new Silm fics; I read the ones that interest me and comment on them.

I know this is not really the most common way for folks to find fic but it’s so rewarding to interact with new fic, new writers, new commentors, new stories - you can find gems that don’t rise to the top of the kudos/bookmark lists; you become friends with your fellow writers; you can watch people grow and change; you support smaller content creators. yeah, you might not be getting Just The Best Stuff, but it’s so so so worth it!!

and if you make friends in the comment section of other people’s fic - I guarantee you some of them will go to your AO3 profile and check out your fic, too! and they’ll leave comments! this is a fic community, and that’s what I cherish about fandom most of all, tbh.

anyway - again - sorry for rambling so much, but I hoped this helped! feel free to send in another ask, or to come talk to me off anon if you’d like! and definitely send me your stuff if/when you decide to share it; I would love to support you!!! <3

[what-breaks-my-heart]

I was tagged by @its-chelisey-stuff (WE LITERALLY JUST KNEW EACH OTHER BECAUSE OF MORE THAN FRIENDS)

1. What is the colour of your hairbrush? I don’t have a hairbrush but I have a comb 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

2. Name a food you never eat. Seafood because of allergies. I can eat fish and crabs though. Basically anything that stores sea water (apart from fish).

3. Are you typically too warm or too cold? IT’S ALWAYS TOO HOT HERE. I miss the UK where I can just layer up if it gets too cold.

4. What were you doing 45 minutes ago? I just woke up 😂😂

5. What’s your favourite candy bar? Are there candy bars which are not chocolate???

6. Have you ever been to a professional sports game? Does esports count? I went to Kuala Lumpur DotA 2 Major in 2018. Otherwise, I didn’t go to any.

7. What is the last thing you said out loud? “I’m printing it!”

8. What is your favourite ice cream? Strawberry. Life is already bitter as is.

9. What was the last thing you had to drink? Tea. I just had breakfast.

10. Do you like your wallet? Indifferent.

11. What was the last thing you ate? Fried rice. Not Uncle Roger’s style because I am not Chinese.

12. Did you buy any new clothes last weekend? Big fat nope.

13. What was the last sporting event you watched? DotA 2 online tournament. I have a team I have been supporting since I started watching it in 2015 and their game started really late last night (time zone thing)

14. What is your favourite flavor of popcorn? Just the plain one.

15. Who was the last person you sent a text message to? I texted my friend (whom I managed to make him watch his first kdrama) from school to prepare a box of tissue before watching episode 15 of More than Friends.

16. Ever been camping? Camping was an annual thing back in my primary school.

17. Do you take vitamins? I don’t go out under the sun, if that’s what you mean. But no, I don’t take supplements because I am too lazy.

18. Do you regularly attend a place of worship? Not since the pandemic.

19. Do you have a tan? At this rate, I call it sunburn. But I haven’t gone out much (apart from going to work as and when needed, groceries, and taking my car for a spin) since the pandemic so the tan line is becoming fader.

20. Do you prefer chinese or pizza? Pineapple on pizza. Sue me!

21. Do you drink your soda through a straw? I pour it into a glass and drink it like a champ. But I also try to reduce single-use plastics in my daily life.

22. What colour of socks do you usually wear? Black is always the safe option (yes it tells a lot about my personality huh)

23. Do you ever drive above the speed limit? Yes, but only where the speed limit is stupidly too low. Otherwise, I rarely drive above 100 km/h.

24. What terrifies you? The list is too long, it should probably be a separate post. I project my issues on the shows that I watch so every now and then you would see me analysing characters or incidents while projecting my issues.

25. Look to your left, what do you see? A broken mirror (in my bedroom), just the perfect metaphor for my twisted perspectives in life.

26. What chore do you hate most? Scrubbing the toilet.

27. What do you think of when you hear an Australian accent? Please talk slowly so I can understand you (also applicable to any other languages tbh).

28. What’s your favorite soda? Carbonated lemonade.

29. Do you go in a fast food place or just hit the drive thru? I prefer hitting the Drive Thru so I can eat my food in front of my laptop in peace.

30. What’s your favourite number? 3 and its first 3 multiples

31. Who was the last person you talked to? My brother, when I passed him the printed material he asked me to print early in the morning for his chess coaching session (he’s a chess coach, yes).

32. Favourite meat? Chicken, because it’s the easiest to be eaten.

33. Last song you listened to? Late Regret by Ong Seong Wu (More than Friends OST). I even listened to the 1-hour loop on YouTube while editing my screencaps last night. And it took longer than the editing process so I also listened to the video with hangul and English lyrics afterwards. I am more comfortable with hangul than the romanisation so I guess my pathetic Korean lessons paid off.

34. Last book you read? I can’t even remember the last time I read a book. Probably mid last year?

35. Favourite day of the week? Saturday.

36. Can you say the alphabet backwards? Haven’t tried 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

37. How do you like your coffee? Latte. But I am not a coffee drinker and only started drinking occasionally this year due to the amount of work I had to put in during the first half of this year (yes, even during the pandemic)

38. Favourite pair of shoes? I only have 2 pairs of shoes to even have any favourite. 1 pair for work and another for casual wear.

39. Time you normally get up? Half past 6 if I have to go to the office. Otherwise, I’ll wake up for morning prayer and continue sleeping until half an hour before I have to clock in. On weekends, I continue sleeping until closer to 10 o’clock. If I stayed up the night, probably closer to noon.

40. Which do you prefer, sunrise or sunset? Sunset all the way, because it’s the beginning of my favourite time of the day. Yes, I’m a vampire who loves the night. I also love necks

41. How many blankets on your bed? One and only. It’s too hot to wear even a thin blanket but it gets cold around 3 am so I have to be prepared.

42. Describe your kitchen plates. I like the design of Portmeirion table set from the early 2000s.

43. Describe your kitchen at the moment. It’s not photography material, but it’s not dirty or messy or anything.

44. Do you have a favourite alcoholic drink? I don’t drink.

45. Do you play cards? No. I don’t play anything that requires other people to join me (yes, I am a lone ranger).

46. What colour is your car? The Nissan partner and distributor in my country calls it Dark Metal Grey. It does look nice.

47. Can you change a tire? I can, but I wouldn’t. With free towing service, why should I bother?

48. Your favourite state or province? I was practically born and raised here so I cannot pick a favourite.

49. Favourite job you’ve had? I would say my previous job, because our team had a fantastic working relationship, and everyone was crazy enough to entertain my antics as the maknae.

tagging: @kdramastuff (I know you don’t do this stuff but I just wanna tag you :p) @becausenothingtodo @aromaticcedarwood @dramaintherain @dohyunsoo @kuronekonerochan @park-joonyoung @psalm40speakstome @myechoecho @ambedoanxiety @outside-seoul (that is 10 tags right because I only tag the first one to annoy her :ppp)

[vor-haekkadi]

Fuck™: Texts from Hope Peak's Shitposting Teachers

Chapter 1: The Start of Something Potentially Terrible

A/N: First DR fanfic! Not 100% sure how to post a chatfic on tumblr, nor how the spacing should be. Usernames are bolded simply for aesthetic purposes.

Anyway, here’s another DR chatfic except it’s with them as teachers with drama and not really talking about their students. Usernames will be mentioned in the beginning and explained in a later post

Usernames:

It’s a Unix System - Chihiro

Poirot - Kyoko

Bloody Mary - Junko

Saitama - Makoto

Strike Three - Leon

Biker Kink/Kurosaki - Mondo

Killer Barbie Doll - Mukuro

Burn the Witch - Celeste

It's a Unix System created a new group.

It's a Unix System added Poirot, Bloody Mary, Killer Barbie Doll, Saitama, Biker Kink, Strike Three and Burn the Witch to the group.

It’s a Unix System renamed the chat to “Hope Peak’s Shitposts for Teachers”

Saitama: Taka is going to kill us if he sees the chat name

Saitama: Wait why is my name Saitama

It’s a Unix System: Because Mondo called you Eggi and I’ve been binging One Punch Man lately

Saitama: Okay really

It's Unix System: Yes really

Biker Kink: I SAID I WAS SORRY MAKOTO

Biker Kink: Wait

Biker Kink: CHIHIRO

Biker Kink: WHY THE FUCK IS MY NAME BIKER KINK

Biker Kink: I THOUGHT THAT IT SAID BIKER KID

It’s a Unix System: Because clearly Taka has a biker kink

Biker Kink: fndskfhds

Biker Kink: Chihiro if you weren’t my friend I’d strangle you

It’s a Unix System: Le gasp

It’s Unix System: Not me, one of your best friends!!!!

Strike Three: Oh come on Chi

Strike Three: How come I'm Strike Three?

Strike Three: Third base is much better

It's a Unix System: I don't know baseball that well Leon

It's a Unix System: And

It's a Unix System: I'd rather not think about you sex life

Biker Kink: His nonexistent one, you mean

Biker Kink: Can't remember the last girlfriend he's had

Strike Three: I will stab you both in our Starfinder campaign

Saitama: Good luck with that Leon

Saitama: You have a gun and a cursed d20

Saitama: Because you yeeted your swords to the side for a giant bazooka and a baseball bat

Strike Three: SHUT UP EGG

Poirot: Yeah we can’t ever let Taka find out about this chat

Poirot: It wouldn't be in our best interest for Taka to see us shitpost

Poirot: And pretending to kill each other in tabletop games

Poirot: Also I approve of this name, Chihiro

Poirot: Sherlock is overrated anyway

Bloody Mary: YOU TAKE THAT BACK CELESTE

Poirot: I’m Kyoko you piece of shit

Bloody Mary: Well excuse me

Burn the Witch: I am Celeste you overrated Juliet. Just because we look sinister doesn't mean we're the same person you lovesick fool

Bloody Mary: You take that back

Bloody Mary: I played Lady Macbeth in College you luxurious mountain goat

Bloody Mary: Who is much classier

Poirot: (and hella evil)

Saitama: I’m going to Mikan’s office and stealing her tub of aloe vera to treat Celeste’s burn

Biker Kink: haha very funny Makoto

Saitama: no she really does have a tub full of aloe vera

Biker Kink: What the actual fuck

Strike Three: I read that as lube

It's a Unix System: Leon w h y

Strike Three: Errrr

Poirot: Analysis: Because he is a pervert

Strike Three: Shut up up KyoKyo no one asked

Poirot: Does it look like I give a damn

Poirot: And because you called me KyoKyo I might go kill you and pin the evidence on Junko

Biker Kink: That sound petty as fuck and I love it

Saitama: That sounds horrifying as hell and I am concerned

Burn the Witch: That sounds boring and I frankly don't give a damn.

It's a Unix System: So to break the pattern but....

It's a Unix System changed Biker Kink's nickname to Kurosaki

It's a Unix System: I think this fits Mondo better

Saitama: It's cool Chi don't worry about it

Mondo: Hell yeah it does fit better

Mondo: Especially because I'm as fit as him

Bloody Mary: Hate to break it to you ye blinded jester

Bloody Mary: But

Bloody Mary: Thou art as fat as butter

Kurosaki: I am going to scatter you intestines all over this fucking school

Killer Barbie Doll: Um guys wtf

Bloody Mary: MUKURO SAVE ME FROM THIS THREE-INCH FOOL

Killer Barbie Doll: No

Bloody Mary: Well fuck you too sis

Kurosaki: MY DICK IS NOT THREE INCHES YOU DICK CHEESE

Kurosaki: MAKOTO WHY

Poirot: ?

Kurosaki: Makoto just dumped aloe vera all over me because of Junko's insult

Strike Three: Slather Slather

Kurosaki: LEON WHAT THE FUCK

Burn the Witch: A body has been discovered

It's a Unix System: Mondo hasn't killed Leon yet

Saitama: Yet

Burn the Witch: I cannot believe that we are condoning murder

It’s a Unix System: I mean technically we aren’t

Killer Barbie Doll: If we did commit murder Kyoko’s dad and Kiyotaka would be on our case

Third Base: And life would really be dull tbh if you all died on me

Killer Barbie Doll: Very comforting words Kuwata

Killer Barbier Doll: Very

Killer Barbie Doll: Love to stay and chat but

Killer Barbie Doll: My phone is about to die on me rip

Bloody Mary: That’s what you get for not charging your phone you knock off GI Joe

Killer Barbie Doll: Fight me

It’s a Unix System: Mukuro technically has a point….

It’s a Unix System: I mean the students are going to come in soon and Kiyotaka might get on our cases if we’re still texting

Bloody Mary: Boooo why do you guys all have first period classes I’m bored

Poirot: You can always chill in my room Enoshima

Poirot: I don’t have class first period

Bloody Mary: Sweet

Bloody Mary: I’ll bring my lesson planner so that Kiyotaka can’t bother me

Third Base: Do you guys hate Kiyotaka or something

Saitama: No

Saitama: We just hate seeing him angry

Bloody Mary: Because he is a precious baby cinnamon roll angel

Burn the Witch: Junko what the fuck

Kurosaki: JUNKO WHAT THE FUCK

Third Base: And that’s our cue to leave

Saitama: I thought that was Chihiro’s role…?

Saitama: You know, being a precious baby cinnamon roll angel

It's a Unix System: Yeah ;~;

Bloody Mary: I just say that to mess with Taka lol

Kurosaki: GDI Junko

Saitama: Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

It's a Unix System: Okay that's good because I almost challenged Taka to a fist fight to see who is more precious

Kurosaki: What the fuck Chihiro

Burn the Witch: You can barely lift my classroom's textbooks so how can you fight Taka?

It's a Unix System: I was going to get tips from Ryoma on how to destroy his kneecaps

Kurosaki: CHIHIRO NO

Killer Barbie Doll: CHIHIRO YES FUCKING DO IT

Strike Three: Thank you for those images, Chi

Saitama: Is it me or is Chihiro the scariest of us all?

Poirot: phones off, now

Killer Barbie Doll: Okay bye

-------------------------------------------

And so begins a cycling bouts of drama, chaos, and despair. Chapter 2 should be written soon, but I am an irregular poster, so who knows

This will be crossposted on Archive of Our Own later, and hopefully edited better.

[moreracquetball]

Youtuber AU Headcanons

(Lowkey inspired by a post by @whizzerbrowne who brought the idea to my attention and it has since dominated my brain). Let’s just get started:

(This got way too long, yikes. I had to include a read more line)

~ Three Youtubers: Jason, Cordelia, and Whizzer.

Jason

Type: He’s one of those younger, newer youtubers. He started when he was nine, and he talked frankly about stuff like divorce (bc his parents were going through a divorce at the time) and being an introvert and being autistic and being Jewish and dealing with a difficult relationship with his parents. He has trouble really talking to people so it was like really easy to just sit in front of a camera and start talking at them. Side note: this was totally Mendel’s idea as a therapy exercise that actually worked, okay? And (as we’ve seen in the musical), Jason has this raw honesty and wit to him that is very funny and real to watch. As he’s gotten older, he’s started talking about other things - like not such heavy topics. He talks about the things that he’s hyperfixated on (baseball, chess, the emoji movie, etc), and though his content is pretty erratic and all over the place, people just love his commentary and he’s amassed millions of followers in just a few years??

He also vlogs /a lot/, which is how his audience got to know Trina, Mendel, and Marvin.

Trina - Everyone literally adores her. She is v nervous and awkward in her cameos in Jason’s videos, but she is also very honest and vocal about her opinions and calls herself the Cool Mom even though Jason’s like “Mom, you don’t let me stay up past ten even when it’s not a school night” and Trina’s just “A Cool Mom can’t still care about your healthy and well-being??”

Mendel - As a one-off, Jason asked his followers to submit questions to Mendel the Psychiatrist for a collab idea with his stepdad, and his pieces of advice were kinda off the wall and funny and it quickly became a series and one of Jason’s most popular series ever. Some people are convinced Mendel is just playing a character so Jason has to be like “no he is actually like this. You have to believe me.” Also: Mendel gets a snapchat that everyone follows. He uploads grainy pictures of like trees and makes puns and constantly spams his story with pictures of Trina with captions like “look at how pretty she is” and “how did i get so lucky” and “rare photo of an actual goddess.” 

Marvin - Tbh, the audience’s reaction to Marvin is a little more mixed, esp at first. Jason had talked a lot about his difficult relationship with Marvin and his “Draw My Life” video did stir up some contempt for Marvin’s selfishness. But like, over the years and through small snippets of cameos, it is generally believed that Marvin has changed and grown up a lot and is like an amazing (but dorky) dad. His cameos in Jason’s videos are the best bc it shows how eerily alike those two are and at one point Marvin briefly talks about internalized homophobia and toxic masculinity and hints at the stuff that he is’t proud of, and everyone - no matter their outward opinion of him - has like a little crush on him. Also, the videos with Marvin and Mendel both?? Their petty arguing gets like millions of hits every time.

Jason also totally does all the trend/tag videos but also has like that sarcastic, almost ironic vibe at first but he ends up really sincerely liking it. 

Jason also does like monologues of his thoughts and opinions while also doing mini skits in between and he is iconic and a jack of all trades really.

He is very articulate and seems so mature but like any hate whatsoever does get to him a lot. He’s learned how to deal with his self-doubt and ignoring the trolls better than he had when he first started, but every once in awhile it still gets to him.

Also??? Remember that Roast Yourself Challenge trend??? Jason did that, and it was on the top page for like a solid week. He went too hard and too real.

Cordelia

Type: Totally like Hannah Hart’s Drunk Kitchen, are you even kidding me?? That it totally Cordelia. She drinks and talks about current events and makes really bad food puns and it is Everything. She also branches out after awhile and starts doing like satirical how-to videos. Lowkey once she tried to make a wry, parody version of a beauty vlogger how-to and she ended up having so much fun with it and her after make-up looked ballin, so she starts doing make-up tutorials, too.

She’s also very very proudly gay and out. Like, her username is literally lesbiancaterer. But she still gets like comments on her videos saying “are you straight?” or “her boyfriend must be a lucky guy” and it just makes her go “????? How could I ever make this clearer?” (once, in a collab with Marvin, one comment said “ahh, her and her bf are such #relationship goals” which then launched a very satirical, very deadpan boyfriend tag video with her and Marvin that made it abundantly clear just how fucking gay those two are).

Charotte first got introduced very very early in her videos bc once during a drunk kitchen, Cordelia cut her finger with a knife and called for her girlfriend and Charlotte went into complete Doctor Mode and started treating her immediately. Cordelia is a little tipsy at that point and starts blatantly flirting with her and calling her “my doctor” and that video’s comment section is just keysmashing and the phrase “my doctor.”

Cordelia does not try to hide her relationship in any way. She and Charlotte have done all those cute couples tags and Charlotte is the star of Cordelia’s social media and vlogs. Now they are #relationship goals.

Cordelia actually got into Youtube bc of Jason and everyone was like lowkey shocked when it turned out that these two popular but different youtubers knew each other and cameo in one another’s videos a lot and Cordelia is like “he is literally my godson, guys. Ofc I’m gonna be around him and support him.”

Whizzer

Type: Ohhh boy!! Whizzer is def the kind of youtuber that has been around on the platform since circa 2007 - are you even gonna try to fight me on that??? He is a fashion channel (also has like a series of the youtube version of fashion police) but also like a major storytime channel bc he’s been around and tells the craziest but realest stories of all time. He is also quickly considered The Gay Icon^tm of Youtube.

He is definitely one of the biggest youtubers on the platform but he also lowkey feels too old to still be on here and has that like Shane Dawson kinda feel of like keeping it real about youtube drama and rebranding himself and learning from stupid old videos when he was still like a shit 20-something that was lowkey problematic. 

He stans so hard for Britney Spears and Carly Rae Jepsen and he got Carly in one of his collabs and he could not stop smiling and fangirling and he is literally all of us.

He is very, very vocal and honest about his sexuality and sexual history. He has a lot of Body and Sex Positivity videos and speaks very bluntly about the importance of self-esteem and body image and safe sex.

(One of his most popular videos is the one with him candidly speaking about having HIV and he talks about his mistake with unsafe sex and all the terrible stigmas around the topic. He talks about how it’s both a physical and emotional struggle, and he also talks about treatment and awareness and prevention and seeking emotional help to combat depression).

He arranges a collab with Jason bc they are alike in that they always speak candidly about issues and struggles and have like the exact same sense of dry, almost scathing humor. Whizzer meets Marvin bc Marvin is like “Jason, there is no way you’re meeting a strange man who you met over the internet. I am definitely going to be the one that goes with you.”

(Awkward moment when Marvin and Jason get to Whizzer’s apartment, and Marvin and Whizzer’s profiles light up with one another from one of those websites like Grindr). Whizzer has like lowkey commented on Jason’s videos before with lewd comments about his hot dad, but like this is so not what Whizzer had been expecting?? Yeah, at the end of Whizzer and Jason’s collab video, Whizzer puts like a small blooper reel and it’s him continually flirting with Jason’s dad (who’s behind the camera) and the Internet suddenly has a new fave ship.

(Marvin and Whizzer totally messaged each other and hooked up like the next day).

But like, they keep the budding relationship very underwraps bc they both really don’t want it to affect Jason’s channel and neither really think at first that their whole arrangement will go anywhere close to serious because Whizzer has never been in love or had a steady boyfriend and Marvin cannot hold a relationship either even after his divorce.

But of course they fall in love, and of course the internet knows something’s up. Whizzer keeps vaguing on Twitter about the new man in his life with weird tweets like “I can’t believe I’m deliberately sleeping with a man who UNIRONICALLY knows every word to Allstar” and “get you a man who always sends that courtesy ‘thank you.’ text after you send him a dick pic.” And when Whizzer vlogs, he always makes sure to keep the camera trained on himself but you can see that his eyes are always looking away as he’s like smiling at someone who does not want to be on camera. Also, Jason’s weekend vlogs have cameos of Whizzer in them now.

They mess up when in one of aforementioned Jason’s vlogs, there’s a grainy clip of Marvin and Whizzer in the background and Marvin kisses Whizzer’s cheek. The internet loses their minds

(After nine/ten months of dating, Whizzer and Marvin abruptly break up and neither really acknowledges it. However, weeks after their break up, Whizzer decides to make a story-time video about this fucking asshole boyfriend that broke up with him over a chess game. He wanted it to be like both petty but also very funny because that is such a ridiculous story, but like when he’s editing it, he notices himself being like on the verge of tears in some parts and being overly bitter and tense, and he never uploads it and he realizes that he isn’t over Marvin like he had said he was).

(However, Whizzer does end up making a story-time video later about how Jason’s baseball game brought him and Marvin back together).

After they get back together, they’ve worked out their issues and are couples goals now and they do not hide their relationship and Marvin makes cameos in both Whizzer and Jason’s videos/younows and it is incredible.

Through Jason and Marvin, Whizzer and Cordelia meet and they become best friends. They collab all the time and they complain about queer struggles and they talk about their relationships and get drunk on camera and be weird, loud idiots and those videos get tons of views.

And Whizzer gets candid about how he’s always felt like alone in the world and hasn’t really had the opportunity to rely on anyone but himself but through Jason and Marvin, he meets Cordelia and Charlotte and Mendel and Trina, and even though they might not get along all the time and some people are closer to other people, they’re all his family and he never thought that he’d really have one that close before. It’s one of his most vulnerable videos.

The most successful videos on all three’s channels are the collabs of the three of them together: Jason and Cordelia and Whizzer. And they become like one of those Youtube cliques that collab all the time and tweet about each other’s videos constantly and always hang out with one another at all the events like Vidcon and Playlist Live. 

[disparais]

that piece cannot be moved

(aka my nightmarish week back "home”)

24 September:

i want to scream but i can’t because i’m not even the screaming type. how sad is that.

i distinctly recall blowing off a little steam at kt re my mom last night. can’t even recall what it was about now because i keep procrastinating writing this post in its entirety (please don’t blame me both neo and msl are having events hurhur and texting friends is infinitely more appealing than dealing with my crappy life). probably something about how she’s been even more of a control freak than she usually is this past week because she’s out of her mind with stress about my brother’s promos. (he is in really bad shape though he’s all set to fail math so i think i might have to stage an intervention tomorrow.)

today i was stunned when she verbalized the possibility that she had an anxiety/control issue in the car. she foreshadowed this topic on the way out, checking the stove a whole bunch of times (which is highly uncharacteristic of her) and wryly noting how similar her behaviour was to that of OCD patients she’d met. but the true shock came when in the backseat, she casually mentioned that it was probably a manifestation of her anxiety, and admitted that my brother’s prelims are making her antsy as heck (no shit, sherlock).

kt was so positive and encouraging about it. i hope things get better.

(later that day)

today i was incensed. i got back (from a strange dinner date with m s f - this was really uncomfortable, yet familiar. idk i am bothered by this too but more on this in a separate post) and g was telling me about how worried she was about lunch with cl/her emotional reaction/how ready she felt for a confrontation. i was texting g about that, when mom appears and is all like “why aren’t you (doing what you’re supposed to do)” rn.

i can’t calmly narrate this part so i’m just going to script-ify it, bless my auditory memory:

me: f is having some issues so i’m talking her through them (i’m so sorry f if you ever see this - i have to lie about which friends i’m talking to sometimes because dear ol’ judgmental mom has an issue with humans having human issues & she already sees g as a burden)

mom: why are your friends so emo? people will always have problems; no one’s going to remember this conversation in a while anyway

me (indignant): i care that i’m there for them when they need me, and i will remember this conversation, and i’m sure they care that i was there when they needed me. i’d rather be there for my friends than graduate with a fucking mbbs anyway

mom: your friends won’t be friends with you in future if you don’t have an mbbs

me: how dare you presume what my friends will be like??? sure some might change but right now not one of them is like that and i’m sorry you feel this way about friendships ?!?!

mom (with calm certainty): it’s difficult to be friends with someone not from your socioeconomic class. like imagine visiting their big house in bukit timah [and there being this awkwardness because they both know you’re not as well-off]

i was so ANGRY i could feel it in my extremities and all my blood just rushed to my head. it is vital that i get this conversation down on paper because i need to remember that every time i second-guess myself and 心软, i need to force myself to remember that i’m not dealing with someone who cares about my feelings (or, perhaps, anyone’s feelings).

don’t get me wrong, that doesn’t mean she doesn’t love me (in her own warped way). it’s just that she doesn’t respect me as an individual, doesn’t give a flying fuck about my feelings/dreams/me as a person in general, and doesn’t want to admit she’s flawed in any way. (which is why i’m never going to get a sincere apology + repentance from her, and why every time something goes wrong it’s everyone’s fault but her own - tbh this is everyone in the household other than me and rarely my dad UGH what is it with people and their inability to admit/take responsibility for their wrongdoings?)

26 September:

apparently, to this family, i am little more than an investment.

first she had to come argue with me in the damn shower. and then she had to drop bombs like those and now she expects quick healing. goodness. chernobyl is still a wasteland. it’s not as simple as downing a parlyz heal. even appendix cancer surgery pales in comparison. how do we recover from things like these?

we don’t, that’s how.

while sobbing my eyes out in the shower (if i can’t cry silently shit is pretty damn real because i can’t remember the last time i couldn’t suppress my sobs), i can admit that the following possibilities crossed my mind, some with a greater degree of seriousness of intent than others:

applying for a gap semester

transferring to fass and doing my dream job already ahh i got a taste of it again when editing s’ reflection and he said “your writing is damn imba” + “it’s like driving a toyota to servicing and getting a merc[edes] in return” hehe i was deeply pleased. this is something i excel at that effortlessly that i actually enjoy. why God why

离家出走, which brought me to...

...staying in capt permanently (i immediately ruled this out because i bet that woman would show up and bang my doors down since who lets investments run away? that’d make me a ponzi scheme)

legal emancipation (i wondered if i would get access to the admittedly-not-a-lot-of-money in the bank registered under my name), which brought me to...

...半工半读 and/or applying for scholarships/bursaries (a good idea esp when coupled with legal emancipation, methinks)

finality (but no i’ve considered this way too many times and whenever i do the math it’s never going to be worth it. first and foremost there’s the eternal wrath of my Creator to deal with. and i do not live for my family - my life is not theirs to 左右; there are so many beautiful things i live for like close friends and classical music and serendipitous moments and i know there is more ahead for me. my life is a symphony and i have barely finished my first sonata.)

27 September:

for the second time in my life, i caught myself doing the continent thing.

i chose to rant to f, who did tell me what i needed to hear, which was reassuring coming from her since i’m real stressed about us drifting apart. it seems as though s is her primary confidante these days and i’m not benchmarking, i’m really not (i haven’t figured out why since f means so much to me) - it’s just made me wonder if my importance has diminished. f knew to reassure me in terms of how desirable my time/company was (smart) because of how happy i made her (smarter). i think the misstep was telling me that everything would be fine again with family, and pulling out the ohana quote - i have no room in my life for emptily encouraging bs. but i reiterate, i drew much strength from the personal bit. and for that i am deeply grateful.

i’m vaguely sorry for pretending i was fine, but kt already has so much on her plate and i’ve already stretched her bandwidth on monday night so i felt like showing my brokenness to her wouldn’t be the best thing for her.

my gratitude knows no bounds. she effortlessly pulled me out of my (i am lost for words because “bad mood” doesn’t even begin to cut it).

because i was grappling with feelings of unworthiness/commodification, i really just needed to know that i was loved as simply myself, and no one else. not the doctor-to-be, not the daughter, not the comm member, not even the spiritual sister. just me. and she made me feel like i was enough. my mood lifted within like 5-10 minutes of talking to her, and mentioning 凤凰传奇’s most ridiculous songs (completely random on my end) sparked one of our most hilarious conversations to date.

i’m just so much lighter and happier, knowing that someone values me of their own volition.