#i cannot change this this condition has affected me for idk how many years

[nabaath-areng]

Been practicing kisses for poses again recently (since DT put me back on square one), and I think I'm maybe getting there slowly...

[not-poignant]

Hi Pia! You said that you need another vacation after this vacation, so I am not sure, how puppy situation, even if it partual custudy, affecting you ( may be you in panic when he is there and then recovering when he is not, and then round and round? ), but really, If you need another vacation, I hope you know we will be here to support you for it!

It's been nearly 4 weeks now since we got Toby so I feel like I can talk about this with a bit of a clear head.

(Talk of like an actual PTSD meltdown beneath the read-more, including self-harm mention - nothing graphic. There's zero obligation for anyone to read this, especially for folks who don't think authors should ever be honest about being people with issues):

So, I've been kind of quiet about aspects of this, but I have like severe treatment-resistant PTSD and C-PTSD, and puppies specifically are one of my triggers (especially if I'm responsible for them). The reason for that is kind of awful, and I don't really want to talk about some of the things I've experienced/been through that led to that, so let's just move onto the next part. You're kind of right anon, there has been panic while he is here lol.

As a result, I had a severe meltdown the first time I tried to adopt a dog many years ago now. Could not last 24 hours, needed weeks/months to recover.

But I've always wanted to share my life with a dog and I've been in a somewhat better space over the past year or so, and I thought I could maybe handle it better. I told myself 'if I can just get through that 24 hours I'll realise it's okay and it will all work out.' Anon I cannot tell you where this thinking came from, but it was wrong. Idk why past me was kind of naive enough to think this way but here we are.

No, after that 24 hours, it got temporarily better, and then I slammed into consecutive meltdowns, each one worse than the next, until the people around me were afraid for my life. I am still recovering from some of the harm I inflicted on myself during the last three weeks and likely will be for some time to come. The combination of a really intense PTSD relapse, as well as not being able to handle (as an AuDHD person) intense changes to my schedule basically compounded and I broke.

I made the decision to rehome Toby, and first contacted the people around me. Glen's mum said she wanted a dog, and had been specifically looking into dogs like Toby anyway, and so we decided this would be best because then I could still be involved (I love Toby to pieces).

After getting some space, I finally started to adjust, and have gone back to having Toby about 4~ days a week, with a view to going to about 6 days, with one day spent with my mum, or Glen's mum.

Today is the first day I was able to handle having him on my own for around 9.5 hours. And I'm here and able to write about it, so that's progress. He'll be here all day Sunday, and then Tues-Weds-Thurs-Friday. And from there a decision will be made as to where I'm at with my mental health etc.

I'm a bit more hopeful now that I might be able to keep him, but my PTSD is still very very bad. I'm having some nights where I'm simply not sleeping until 7.30am (even if he's not here), and my hypervigilance is crazy. Like, I am having so many auditory flashbacks it's stupid. So this is why I've been saying this break hasn't been very restful or productive. Because my mental health tanked like I detonated a landmine inside myself.

I didn't actually plan the two week break for Toby! That was just a coincidence honestly.

Unfortunately I have a lot of health conditions that respond very poorly to stress, so I'm dealing with those now too. And then additionally, in all of this, I had a breast scan / mammogram / ultrasound that has confirmed a suspicious lump I found a couple of months ago (breast cancer runs in the family), and I suspect I'm going to need a biopsy. I'll find out on Monday if that's the case. That's been in the background and hasn't been helping.

There's some other stuff going on that's not really worth talking about because these are the main things, but that's a good picture I think. It turns out 'just getting through the first 24 hours' doesn't magically make a severe PTSD trigger go away. And that forced exposure is not 'exposure therapy' - that's just reinforcing a trigger.

Anyway! I feel like I'm through the worst of it, and I am seeing glimpses of how my life could be richer if I keep getting through this. But...that's why I think another break. *smiles tiredly.* I have to wait a bit now for the PTSD / C-PTSD symptoms to settle down, and I also need to see what's kind of worsened after this. Realistically, with a relapse to this degree, it could take between 3-6 months to really start recovering, or to at least get back to where I was before December.

I hope with all my heart I can get there with Toby by my side. I love him so much.

(I want to add that Toby has never ever been in a position of harm at any point, and in fact I probably put myself in harm's way for his sake, because I wanted to provide solid continuity of care - in case anyone was worried about that).

Er so yeah! But I've picked up my writing again this week and have been able to do some like...things I'd been neglecting, and I feel more human again, I just hope I get some sleep tonight

[chairteeth]

i was reading some of your fics and something stood out to me. why do you always age touka and nemu up in aus?

That's a great question actually, thank you for asking. In canon timeline fics it's usually because I'm obsessed with the idea of once-terminally-ill kids getting to grow up and yk be adults, plus my usual general interest in seeing how characters I like would handle adulthood and stuff. Probably influenced by my own plentiful experiences when I was a kid where I didn't think I'd ever even get to my current age (20s), especially with the whole in and out of hospitals, lots of doctors, etc.

As for AUs, my main reason is honestly jobs. You can do so much more when the characters are adults and you can give them fucking Jobs. A more minor reason is that it's a safeguard for these two's general... behavioral quirks let's call them. But for example, for my fairy AU (or as my friends call it, the Stardew Valley AU), things start out with Touka and Nayuta being sent to a rundown farm in the distant countryside, an old property that has basically been all but forgotten and isn't even their family's property. Making everyone older allows me to give them more of a backstory, in this case Nemu's whole thing with Mikoto, or Touka's tensions and drama with her mother, before they even met. In that specific example it also works in Felicia's favor, since she gets more years to stabilize and for her hatred to fester so that she would be solidly on Yachiyo's side later and wouldn't be tempted to change sides when Mikoto does her Thing.

Let me give some other fun examples for the job thing. The sewer worker AU, the single parent/teacher AU, my friend's vampire AU (vampire & vampire hunter, with a history related to Alina and Tasuke), the same friend's concubine assassin/princess AU (where Nemu's mommy issues are severely exacerbated and she has a very specific history that I think you can guess), the same friend's Cinderella AU which involves strategic 4D chess marriage, etc. In general, the playing field is greatly expanded if I make them adults, and it's a lot more fun that way, ntm I get to explore exactly how their specific circumstances affected the core of their characters and how growing up in different but deceptively similar environments compared to canon changed them. There's always, for instance, the decision of how much we want Sickness to play a role in their lives. In my sea monster AU for example, Nemu just has a limp from an accident she had as a kid, which is bad enough that she needs to do specific physiotherapeutical exercises every day and she cannot go join her family for their work, and Touka has a magic-related condition that affected her pretty intensely growing up. For a completely different example, in my fantasy AU, they have completely different issues to worry about that have nothing to do with sickness yet leave them with basically the same issues as canon (Nemu for example was exiled by her community and has lived as a hermit for a Very Long Time before she formally meets Touka, and I would talk about exactly how stunted and terrible Touka's social skills in this are, but then I'd have to spoil that whole thing and idk if I wanna do that unprompted). In my marine biology AU, one of the reasons Touka goes through with the,,,, Thing™ while being at the bottom of the ocean with no one but other scientists and Sana, is literally her sickness, because she refuses to let it continue to rule her life and the breakthrough she's made may not be the most ethical, but it'll do more than just buy her time (it'll cure her basically, more or less). In the roadkill AU, Touka is 29 because if I make her that old then I can easily follow the thread of how she would've developed in her circumstances, with Ui but no Nemu to serve as an ego checker, plus the many new burdens of owning several companies and her uncle being more of a cryptid researcher than magical girl researcher, plus the mystery of his and Nayuta's death and how it doesn't make sense to Touka at all, etc etc.

If you are curious about any of these AUs btw, PLEASE ASK I WOULD LOVE TO TALK ABOUT THEM.

[probably-haven]

Hello!! After seeing what you wrote about xiaoven fics I went to see what things you usually write and omg, your archon Venti headcanons????? I am absolutely in love. So if it isn't annoying, could you talk about xiaoven or Venti or Xiao or whatever ship or character you like? I don't care what you are going to say, I just want to know more about your thoughts ^^

I- is this... bestie, this is essentially a free ramble pass- kerujsgheskdfug. Trust me when I say that in no way is this, and in no way will it ever be annoying in the slightest- i literally- lets just say rambling off thoughts is kind of my specialty, especially when provided a topic to branch off of because otherwise I'm just- really indecisive about it so- iujskdh yeah- 100% definitely down to talk about Venti, Xiao, and/or Xiaoven XD. Also, yes- it may have been awhile since i last posted one(cuz again, indecisive about which direction to take part 5), but the Archon War Era Venti headcanons are still without a doubt my favorite posts I've made. It's just such an interesting topic with such endless potential that so few people actually think about or consider or even realize is there, so i always just get really psyched whenever i see someone interact with them lol.

.... this ended up being a bit of a mess: warning in advance

Anyway! onto the actual content!

- You see the thing about Xiaoven is that there's a lot of different ways that it could end up working out, and just personally my favorite way of portraying Xiaoven in my mind is as an unlabeled relationship because if anyone in genshin would give off that vibe its these two. And a number of other reasons.

- Firstly, I heavily headcanon Venti as being an aroace polyplatonic or perhaps heavily demiromantic. However, regardless of this I just don't think that Venti is really the kind of person to worry about how he should label his feelings, thinking it's silly to try to put them in one box or the other, especially with feelings and emotions being as fluid as they are in general. Plus it fits his whole God of Freedom vibe. I just- dont think he's the biggest fan of labels or social categorization in general.

- And secondly on the hand of Xiao... his defense mechanisms are very much ingrained in his personality. It's probably hard enough for him to not go into fight or flight(the answer is fight) at the slightest affection at first, at the slightest feeling of vulnerability. Even further down the line, with his fierce dedication to Liyue, I cant help but get the vibe that the moment he recognized that he was falling for Venti he would begin avoiding him, not only to avoid distraction from his duty, but to avoid corrupting him or losing him in general like he has with like basically every other person he gets close with(even believing that the cycle had repeated once more when he first heard of Morax's death)... now imagine Venti tryna slap a label on their relationship and tell me Xiao would have a positive reaction.

- The thing with Xiaoven.... honestly, i feel like theres more ways that it can go wrong than it can go right, but if they do manage to make their relationship work out, it's just simply beautiful in all terms of the word.

- Lets talk about killing. - During the Archon War, both were forced to kill a large number of people and gods alike- Venti out of a need to remain alive to protect Mondstadt, it's freedom, and the nameless bard's legacy by extent- and Xiao out of servitude to the god that was once his master

..... actually- break here- ive talked a lot about Venti on this blog but I havent actually spoken about Xiao all that much- so i should probably do that a bit first... do note though that my characterization of Xiao is pretty flexible actually- this is just- the possible characterization of him that i tend to favor as being the most- uh- "realistically complex"

-

Theres a line I saw this one time in a certain story: "He is a trained weapon. That's what he is, was, and always will be. You cannot change that so stop trying." And i just- think its a really interesting concept- that applies pretty well to Xiao now that i actually think about it. - the concept behind it is this: After spending more than a vast majority of his life killing or otherwise in battle, it's become a part of who he is, a normalcy that after centuries and centuries would be near impossible to get rid of or reverse, and even if it was possible, with his karmic debt constantly eating away at him its unlikely he has enough time left for that to happen. - it sounds like a cruel thing to say about him- but in context it's actually pretty layered and i think about it a lot. It's not as much a "he's a killer lol, that his whole personality" its more of a "The centuries of trauma he experienced have conditioned him into a constantly alert and battle ready mindset while also shaping his dehumanizing inferior-in-worth-but-superior-in-capability view of himself that would have likely been necessary to get through those time, and at this point he's been under that conditioning for long enough that it's essentially ingrained itself in his personality."

- the main idea is- it's a part of who he is, that needs to be accepted as who he is because its not something that he can just up and change. It's not all he is of course but his constant battle mode, as though always waiting to be ambushed or to be granted a new target to eradicate.

a couple character story quotes:

-"His past of service under the evil god had rid Xiao of his innocence and gentleness. All that remained within him was the means to kill and the weight of his sins. The only way he could be of service to mortals was in combat." -"Xiao does not feel any hatred. Having lived for over two thousand years, no single karmic debt constitutes anything more than a fleeting memory. No grudge can last a thousand years; nor is any debt so great that it cannot be paid off in this time. Xiao has spent many long years alone. But his battles have never been in vain." -"where did Xiao have to return to? He was merely leaving the battlefield." -"since Xiao wages a constant war against dark forces powerful enough to devour Liyue in its entirety, any bystanders who witness him in the heat of battle are likely to end up as collateral damage." -"The war he fights can never be won, and will never come to an end." -"Because ultimately, the one with whom Xiao wrestles is himself."

i feel like at some point this very nearly did consume his whole personality, almost turning him into nothing more than a being of slaughter under Morax's control, devoid of any "humanity" at all, consumed and corrupted by his karmic debt like his fellow yakshas before him. - until he experienced a moment of clarity- a song in the wind, the peaceful melody of a dihua flute. - and pulled back from the border of something he wouldnt have been able to return from, there a was a shift in his mind- a concept grown unfamiliar enough with time that it took him a great time to identify what it was; a curiosity. Something that there was no place for on the battlefield, something that by all means should have been completely useless to Xiao, and yet he held onto that curiosity, slowly regaining over time, a sense of who he was and who he could choose to be with each song that the wind chose to carry towards him every once in a blue moon.

and eventually that curiousity turned to longing. Longing "for a day to come when he will wear the mask and dance — not to conquer demons, but to the tune of that flute amid a sea of flowers"

...... uh- heh- if you couldn’t tell already i have a tendency to make my characterizations/analyses of characters more serious that i probably should. 

to summarize: Xiao is constantly toeing the line between his ingrained nature and his humanity- almost as though still trying to decide how much of that humanity he deserves to have, how much he is allowed to have, and how much is safe to have.

^looking back after writing this, i think the best way to explain it is that this is the view that i keep in mind/the lense that i tend to most enjoy looking through and refering back to while examining and/or analyzing his character, actions, story, lines, and overall personality.

idk- i kinda got off track but i just think its a really interesting interpretation to think about because it has some really interesting implications ig- it’s not the full extent of how i view him of course, but i kinda got ahead of myself and its long enough as is so ill just elaborate as i go- Lol i actually have in progress playlists for both him and venti and just- vibes- i could ramble about the playlists alone for hours explaining everything... It’s probably a problem- uh- ill keep going now lol.

anyways! stepping off the angst path for a brief break! Brought to you by their lines in the snow: both waiting for it to get thick enough, Venti for the purpose of a snowball fight and Xiao for the purpose of a tasty and nutritious breakfast.

but its actually something of note that Xiao doesnt actually need to eat so anything he does eat is usually out of obligation or enjoyment- so like.... snow.... like i dont blame him, but of all things- an adeptus who refuses to eat basically anything but almond tofu looks at the freezing-cold-floor-water that yeeted itself from above and decided at some point- damn- that seems more edible than basically ever single actually edible thing ever.... im gonna eat it- like- im glad if eating snow makes him happy but- at the same time...

He probably convinces Venti to eat snow too though and Venti wouldnt even resist I mean he’s wind and has probably consumed worse things in his time so- 2 anemo cryptids with glowing tattoos sitting in Dragonspine monching snow in the dead of night is an amusing thought to me.

- kay, now back to more serious-toned thoughts

One of the things about the ship that i really like is the different contradicting parallels between them:

A lot of how i view Xiao’s character is someone formed largely by the things he cant control and who was forced to accept that accepted that and learned to thrive in it as much as he can.  Venti on the other hand is surrounded by things he cant control and is ever adapting to control as much as he can while embracing whatever he cant as being part of the unpredictability of the world, seeing beauty in it. 

both of them have lost people and do what they do to honor their memory: Xiao continues to do what the Yakshas once did And Venti chooses to do what his friend couldn’t

Xiao’s power coming from himself  and Venti’s from others And both seem to appear to use their power for their own gain while truly helping others behind the scenes

both have killed a lot of people during the archon war Xiao views it as another necessary event out of his control and Venti would likely view it as a tragedy he chose to enact himself

and this is where we meet out balance

Xiao- contrary to how i think a lot of people view him as thinking of himself as a monster- seems canonically to have accepted this as part of his duty, as long as those he killed are not mortals. I dont think he enjoys it no- but someone has to do it and he’s just accepted that its a part of his duty Venti on the other hand-

See the beauty of the ship- as someone with an angst-centric mind- is this- these are two of the most traumatized mfers in the game 

Xiao is by far the one who needs the most help and who can serve to benefit most from the ship- but he is nowhere near self aware enough to recognize that there’s anything wrong or unhealthy about his mindset in the slightest-

whereas you have the contrast with Venti who sorted through most of his trauma with the nameless bard alone during the archon war and while the result appears more healthy- is still really not- but he’s not self aware of that either because i mean- who’s going to tell him? nobody even knows. 

however- venti is aware enough to notice flaws in Xiao’s mindset and “Venti” enough to want to help them through it-

Xiao- while not aware enough to recognize the flaws in Venti’s mindset, can recognize where it contrasts with his own, and is blunt enough to point it out- and then it’s out there to be mulled over- 

they’re so similar and yet so different and a feel just conversing between the two of them, being in each others precense, just being exposed to two mindsets that are so very different could do both of them a whole lot of good.

GEEE THAT BIT OF RAMBLING HAD LITTLE TO NO DIRECTION AT ALL- LET ME-- LET ME MAKE THIS START MAKING SENSE- WITH... DYNAMICS OR SOMETHING

I don’t think Xiao needs to sleep really- and i dont think that sleeping would do anything except make him uneasy at first- he’d probably just get nightmares after all he’s been through- but with Venti he would soon learn that it doesn’t have to be that way, lulled into the first peaceful sleep he’s had in... as long as he can remember.

anywho back to not making sense cuz im fickle and i think most questions about ships are best displayed through character interactions so like- a possible exchange thats cliche but cliches exist for a reason

Xiao: Why do you try so hard to help me, it isn’t easy. I know that much Venti, with the most adoring expression: Because you’re worth it, obviously Xiao: But surely there are others more deserving of- Venti: No Xiao, everyone is just as deserving as the next person, you included Xiao: Then why me above others? Venti: ehe, cuz ur my warrior of course [O//////O oh shit, hes right] Xiao: My contract is with Morax alone [gay panic but in broody yaksha]

it’s kinda difficult cuz neither of them really address their feelings.  I mean Venti does but he does it very indirectly and its rare that he ever does it with like- genuine directness- even spilling his backstory was in the form of a song- and told in the third person- so a lot of their interactions would often have some deeper meaning, especially with Venti being the bard he is. 

I come up with a lot of- errant thoughts about Xiaoven- but this is making me realize that a true analysis of their ship is rather difficult because it just encompasses so many dynamics so its hard to settle on just one and not go rambling about who knows what bouncing from one end of the ship to the other-  Because you truly can and thats the beauty of it

within one moment you can be having a heartfelt conversation about the archon war the impact of lost friends and times past, and the next moment Venti is trying to forcefeed Xiao an apple while Xiao screams about disrespecting the adepti and its just- so lovely

so while they have picnics with nothing but apples, dandelion wine, and almond tofu they can sit down and talk about the dreams Xiao once devoured, and the dandelion wine and apple cider that the first Ragnvindir invented from the plants that never could have grown in Old Mond. The foods that tasted of familiarity, or of the grilled ticker fish Pervases always used to eat, foods that tasted of friends and frankly family that had since passed, glaze lilies and cecilias and qingxin flowers scattered in the surroundings and woven into Xiao’s neat braids and Venti’s now messy ones, rebraided by the steady and inexperienced hands of one unused to gentle action. 

and then of course Venti steals Xiao’s tofu once the mood becomes too grim and replaces it with a bottle of wine that Xiao refers to as “vile poison,” a remark that fatally wounds Venti as he collapses on the floor, proclaiming how he can only be healed by a Yaksha’s kiss. Xiao ignores this of course and simply takes back his tofu with a slight smile on his face, but as Venti persists he soundlessly places a kiss on his own palm before intertwining their fingers and pulling him back up from where he was dramatically sprawled on the floor, grumbling about how such action was “unbecoming of an archon.” A sign of affection only Xiao would ever know about. But Venti is literally wind and I hc his senses work differently anyways so he definitely knows- plus Xiao’s face is red as the blood of his enemies and the way he is pointedly not looking at Venti at all really speaks volumes anyways. 

 -Venti playing epic battle music whenever Xiao goes into fights in what looks like a ridiculously extra performance to anyone else but is actually doing wonders to keep Xiao’s karma at bay

-Venti preaches the practice of “kissing wounds better” and Xiao is unfamiliar with this medical treatment but views it as unnecessary regardless because adepti have accelerated healing, doesn’t mean he’s going to stop him though. 

-Messages whispered on the wind

-Venti’s 1000 year sleep- an accident, not a fun time for the yaksha, and not a fun time for Venti once he woke up. Venti is actually more afraid of restful sleep than Xiao is, hence the sleeping in trees thing, but when Xiao is there, he can sleep restfully with faith that Xiao wont let another millennia slip through his fingertips. 

- Xiao tends to make excuses when doing things that aren’t necessary to his duty, like in his birthday voice line “Have this, it’s a butterfly i made from leaves... Okay. Take it. It’s an adepti amulet -- it staves off evil” because at the current point in his progress it helps him to feel like he’s allowed to do these things. Not wanting to put him off from progress, Venti never comments on his excuse but never fails to whisper a quick reminder of how proud he is of how far Xiao had come.

- Xiao’s karma saddens Venti greatly- not only because of how it effects Xiao but also because its a reminder that as much as Venti tries to honor the memory of those he’s killed, there will always be those who resent him for it, and when he took the option of living away from them, he truly can’t blame them. - And when he gets too wrapped up in thoughts, whether around this topic or similar ones or otherwise, eventually, he’ll hear the sound of a flute on the wind. It’s not divine by any means, but as his own wind connects him to the source, he gets the sentiment all the same. “What impact does one individual’s remaining wrath have on the present. You have done much to help the living in the present” the unspoken idea that Xiao has included himself in that statement, because now, with Venti’s help he’s beginning to learn just how to experience living for himself. 

- Venti’s form and Xiao’s mask are off limit topics though because if either mentions it the other will counter with the opposite and the mood will turn immediately bitter at the idea that both know that what they’re doing is destructive but neither are willing to change

- Venti who has different tells for negative feelings than most people because as much as he likes to pretend it is- this form isnt his, and Xiao who is able to identify those

- many fanfics and headcanons have Venti recognizing when Xiao is uncomfortable and getting him out of those situations. I see that and I love it but i raise you: - Venti taking Xiao to Mondstadt, careful that he doesn’t get to the point that he’s uncomfortable. And nothing goes wrong exactly, but Xiao notices the the way Venti’s cape is blowing in the wind, the way he’s holding his weight, barely on his feet so much as floating on the wind, connected with the ground only for the sake of appearance, all the while he looks just as happy go lucky as ever. And without a word, he grabs his hand and teleports them both out of Mondstadt.  - turns out it was just a slight thing that reminded him of the archon war (cuz i will die on the hill of him having more tragic backstory than just Decarabian), and he of course gives a sincere if not flustered thanks to Xiao, because he’s really not used to people noticing. 

- Venti trying to vent sneakily through fictional stories and Xiao is just like “Didn’t that basically happen to you” and Venti is just like “<_< shit”

- Venti once said affectionally that he wished he had met Xiao sooner and Xiao immediately and seriously shot it down by saying “If you had, I would have been forced to kill you” and both of them now stay up at night wondering who would have won that fight, not sure which result would have hurt more. (because honestly I have no idea who would win in that fight and that terrifies me- I like to think it would have been one of those legends that end with “and the fight persists to this day” or something along those lines)

- “How long have you been together?” “Adepti have no need for-” “1000+ years T^T how dare you deny our love” “O///O our...? ...useless”

- its disney- let me explain- i have this- i have this headcanon inspired by watching too many animatics- - so venti has a human form that isnt his- which he would have had to get used to moving in- and he’s a bard- - uh- anyway- as a third degree black belt in mixed martial arts, i can speak as an authority on this(not really an authority since i havent gone since quarantine but lets pretend). We have a thing referred to as the big three(most things do), and those things are martial arts, gymnastics, and dance. The idea is that they reflect really well off of each other and the best in any one category are good in all three. Timing, balance, form, discipline, technique, hand-eye coordination, grace, ease of motion, they all play a part- anyway-

- Venti taking Xiao’s prowess in martial arts and acrobatics and teaching him how to dance, and as someone who’s extremely skilled in the first two, the third comes easy to him, almost naturally. And it’s delicate and beautiful and lovely and it isn’t hurting anyone. And Venti points all these things out and more and despite how much Xiao insists that he feels ridiculous he truly does enjoy it and it goes a long way towards helping him form more healthy views of himself and his worth.  - Verr Goldett walked in on him once and made a joke about performing at the inn. unfortunately Venti was there and agreed on Xiao’s behalf before he could protest and- and it wasn’t as bad as Xiao thought it would be... he still wouldn’t do it again though without reason, but with good enough reasoning he could probably be convinced. 

- anyways point is he likes dancing to Venti’s songs and i just think that’s really cute - just picture the idea that all the animatics you see actually have the potential to be canon- ugh

- venti tries holding something out of Xiao’s reach since he’s taller and Xiao just fucking teleports 

- both need their space but when they dont, all they have to do is speak the other’s name and they’ll be there.

- and because i just had to.... love languages

- lets start with Xiao- i don’t think he’d view acts of service or quailty time as a love language tbh, and he blunt but really bad with words so affirmation is out, leaving gift giving and physical touch. However, he seems to view most material things as meaningless so- - Xiao who’s love language is in his fleeting touches, something he’s only recently grown comfortable with because of Venti, and now is giving back, which he knows he doesn’t have to do, but that he want’s to, though he’ll still continue to make excuses for each one. “you were shivering” “The inn is high up, you could have fallen..... I said what I said, you’d question an adeptus?”

- and as easy as it is to say words of affirmation for Venti- he does that for everyone- i want to say his is actually acts of service - its the acts of service that let him see just how much Xiao has progressed afterall, from teaching him to dance, to playing another song on the flute, to supplying him with the almond tofu he seems to enjoy so much. Every little thing he does helps Xiao to grow and he couldn’t be happier about that. 

-

- of course most of my headcanons for the ship do take place latter into the relationship because- y’know the less serious unhealthy vibes allow for greater range of thought, but i do still love to think about the serious implications so i kinda hopped back and forth. So sorry about how messy it is btw, i kinda- got carried away- it kinda got some kind of structure near the end tho so- maybe it’s okay. anyway- back to... lol something, we’ll see where thought forests lead. 

[roccinan]

I'm risking sounding terribly egoistical by sending a public ask about my own url here but I'm doing it!!!!! I need the super graphic-details

Your ego is my ego, dearest nharidy. There's a reason the doc is named after you hahaha

[ 👉 My Wips ]

OK so the Absolvisti sequel's been sitting in my head since well, the week after I published it lmao. But I never got around to writing because I wasn't sure if it was being too self-indulgent (I'm feeling more confident about it now that I know you'll be pleased by it!). Also because I was having trouble deciding on a pov: should I continue with the Tatiana 1st person pov as always? Change it up to Martin 3rd person? or surprise: 1st person Don Juan?? Should it be a new chapter or new fic? (def. open to suggestions here!) Also I think it'd be Iconic to publish a story in the Dies Irae universe with our new cat profile pics.

Graphic detail time :D Prepare for a SUPER LONG answer LMAO. Most of the things I mentioned here and here will make their way in, with maybe a bonus ns/fw chapter from Martin or Andres' pov. The main story is SFW however, and there's like a hilariously high amount of hurt!Andres, who doesn't have demons to rely on anymore but still carries all the permanent damage the demons left on him:

It takes place some months after Absolvisti so Andres is doing better, but not fully well yet. He's not actively dying anymore but he does faint a lot and isn't exactly making a full recovery. Because I wanted to make things harder for Martin. Because he's not a young man anymore, the wounds were super extensive, and this is the result of years of accumulated damage + a form of "withdrawal" (the shadows/demons that used to feed on him were also the things that kept him alive so it's one big cycle that his body isn't leaving that easily).

This means every time Martin plans something nice for him like seeing a play or going out for a nightly walk, Andres can't go through the whole thing without feeling unwell. (Martin: "I over-exerted the love of my life. I am so SELFISH. what does Andres see in me??" Andres: "I disappointed the love of my life. I am the WEAKEST. what does Martin see in me??" Tatiana: feed me, bitches)

They manage to sit through one play though (not sure if I want this at the beginning or end of the fic LMAO). It's the one Bogota wrote, The Necromancer's Lament, a "biopic" about Andres' life. And it's every bit as terrible as Martin expected. Bad special effects, bad acting especially from Martin's actor, Andres' actor has a beard, and Tatiana looks like this:

Andres thinks it's the best play ever. Martin hates it and demands a refund. Tatiana hates it too but Don Juan's like, "mi amor, you are still beautiful to me, even as a deformed puppet."

Martin's 120-page complaints aside, Bogota runs the theatre troupe with his partner, Nairobi/Agata, and they're both going to start teaching performing arts at Santa Catalina because the last drama professor died lmao

Meanwhile, Santa Catalina has a new bad girl student, Tokyo/Silene! Sergio took her in as a charity case after some dark and mysterious events in her life. But Tokyo being Tokyo can't stay away from trouble, and she becomes obsessed with finding the demons that Andres expelled. Some bizarre possessions start happening again and the school's sponsors force Raquel to keep it under wraps. (Raquel: maybe if you increased funding, we wouldn't have so many problems!!)

In the meantime, Martin gets that letter from a long lost relative asking to meet him. Not sure about the order of this either. Anyway, Martin was planning to ignore the relative, but Andres insists he go. Either Tatiana or Don Juan accompany him. Martin learns that he's the sole heir of his dead parents across the sea (the will: “we forgive you for being a heretic, a freak of nature, and the alchemist of Palermo. also no hard feelings for leaving you to die as a baby xoxoxo”). There's one (1) condition though: he has to end his partnership with the necromancer. Martin: NO THANKS.

So while Martin's dealing with this unexpected drama, Sergio decides to call in Andres' expertise TM again because it's also a good excuse to talk to his brother. Martin is Very wary about this and rejects him. But Andres insists that it'll be fine. Plus, maybe he wants to turn a new leaf and help Santa Catalina for nothing in return this time. Not everyone gets a second chance at life and he doesn't want to be a bad person anymore uwu (Tatiana: "Andres was a pretentious piece of shit, surprising no one." Martin: "Nobody deserves Andres, not even me, and I'm like, the most amazing person in the world.")

Andres comes to do the exorcism with the random priest the school hired. And they discover there aren't any demons- it's just some ghost fucking around (maybe I'll make it the spirit of Gandia or Alicia since they haven't shown up yet lol). Anyway, it doesn't go very well but Andres gets rid of the creature or whatever. Not before it punctures a hole in his side though. Then Martin loses it, just full-on screams at Sergio for almost getting Andres killed again, makes a lot of threats against the school, etc. etc.

Raquel, being more useful, plugs up the wound. But the priest accidentally provokes Martin more by asking Raquel if he should mop up Andres' blood with holy water or something. What if the necromancer's blood is cursed?? And now it's all over the floor, so disgusting :/

Martin, already in a very bad mood, beats the priest up.

They go home. Martin's in a really sour mood and he just doesn't understand why Andres isn't mad at Sergio. Martin: "It's really emotionally damaging to me if you don't give a fuck about yourself." Andres makes him even angrier by bringing up the Berrote family will and having the audacity to suggest Martin leave him for money. He makes a huge case about how he literally has nothing to offer Martin except a body that barely works and a terrible reputation. Martin: "I lost a fucking eye for you??"

They fight and Martin storms away, and also kidnaps Don Juan, his honorary new soulmate who would never betray him like Andres.

A while after this, the Spanish Inquisition local clergy arrests Andres for "questioning." Because the shenanigans at Santa Catalina are still going on and that one priest suspects him of being behind everything just because. Raquel's the one who bails him out. She may not like Sergio's brother, but the way everyone else treats him is ridiculous.

Andres limps home, hoping Martin's still away. Surprise! Martin felt guilty and came back. And it's pretty obvious that Andres has just been tortured. Martin: "Say no more. I'm going to kill some people."

Andres gets Martin to not do anything stupid by dropping the thing with the will. He admits he was wrong for saying those things to Martin and he selfishly, genuinely wants to stay with Martin forever. Martin: "I'm still going to kill your brother. You may appease me with a kiss."

Does it end here? No! Because the shit at Santa Catalina is still happening. Andres and Martin solve it for good though. But it's all very dramatic. I'm vaguest about this part, but maybe Nairobi's injured saving Tokyo, and this gives Tokyo the wakeup call to move on from whatever baggage that got her into this mess in the first place. Then Andres' solution for saving Nairobi is to ask Martin to work that alchemist magic and transfer her wounds onto himself (at this point, we're just going overboard with the Andres whump but asdfasdf why stop??). Raquel: Sergio, tell your brother to stop dying. That's a bad example for the kids.

It takes a lot of convincing, but Martin relents in the end, only because he trusts Andres. At this point, Andres has been through so much that he physically cannot take any more damage. Like, he just can't lmao. So the whole process puts Andres into a coma or something. But we don't need him anymore because now we can revel in Martin's angst!

Martin spends the rest of his time crying and angsting and guilt-tripping Sergio, and just being very loud in general. He also writes back to his family and tells them to fuck off.

Once we indulge in enough of Martin's pain, Andres finally wakes up. Still very bad off but he's alive and not showing signs of dying any time soon. So that's good enough for Martin. They have a nice heart-to-heart, and idk, maybe Raquel comes to see them because Sergio's too embarrassed to. Until Andres insists, because he loves hermanito unconditionally uwu. Martin: "watch your back, Sergio. I might murder you in your sleep (:"

Then at the very end (I have no idea how long this story is LOL), there's some kind of family photoshoot between Raquel, Sergio, and Paula. Everyone's raving over this new invention called the "camera." Andres is admiring it from a distance until Raquel's like, "get over here. what part of FAMILY photoshoot do you not understand!?"

Andres is shocked pikachu face because good will towards him for once?? he's being included in something?? people want him around?? what is happening??

Martin's happy for him though. Then he's admiring from a distance until Raquel's like, "I said FAMILY photoshoot. Get over here, Martin!"

Tatiana didn't want to be a part of it, but Paula saw her favorite talking cat and like, grabbed her lmao. Don Juan photobombs it because he can't be excluded from an activity with Tatiana, especially when his former rival Andres is in the photo too. (His current rival is Casanova, an unworthy white cat vying for Tatiana's affections)

Sergio proposes to Raquel. The end! Yes, the kitty love triangle is also a central theme of this story LMAO Hope that satisfies you, nharidy! And I welcome any and all suggestions!

[heyyouknowbts]

Shipping BTS members is cultural misunderstanding & projection

Long post, text post, the kind of post I don’t normally post post.

Just some thoughts I needed to get out. I don’t consider fanfics with ships as being relevant to this, because there is that inherent assumption on account of the word fiction, lol. And in before I use ships as part of my BTS as Florida man series; they’re never meant to be taken seriously. A lot of times I changed the gender from a headline or made it gender neutral for the memes.

I am really amazed in general about the stories people make up about BTS members and the narratives that get pushed in the fandom that have 0 basis in truth but someone took 2 crumbs from a grainy photo or some fake captions and tweeted it out and here we are.

The way BTS members have grown over the years to freely express physical affection for one another has been repeatedly misinterpreted by some fans as them being gay lovers, and it’s to the point where many elevate them as “gay icons”. That is problematic for lots of reasons, mainly that none of them are openly gay, the members themselves have expressed they do not appreciate being shipped, and it requires speculation on the sexuality/relationship status of public figures we don’t know at all.

Korean culture is extremely conservative, and while BTS members have been shown to be progressive in their perspectives on lgbt+ rights and issues by comparison, that is not the same as actually coming out as gay, nor should it be interpreted as a subtle nod/wink to hint at their sexuality. There is also a lot of, “Well, [Member] had this one gender-ambiguous comment about relationships so they MUST be gay or bisexual,” or, “[Member] wearing a rainbow omgggggg.” It’s pure projection/speculation that is being pushed and packaged into a narrative, and some fans are accepting that as truth.

This falls into that broader category of magical thinking that is incredibly common due to our inability to psychologically cope with the rapid developments in technology that have changed every aspect of our lives. We have easy access to so much information, more than we ever have in human history, and despite that people are constantly seeking out delusions, lies, and conspiracies. Those delusions and conspiracies are pushed out as truth, and people deeply internalize these beliefs and reject anything that contradicts them. There is a suspension of disbelief involved when people read and see things online that I won’t go into detail about because I don’t want to write all day, but it’s key for understanding why people can latch on and believe this stuff to be true. Ever wonder why suddenly there are so many people who believe the Earth is flat? Or why Trump was able to do what he did, despite most people hating him and him being completely incompetent and narcissistic? Anti-vaxxers? Covid deniers? Welcome to the age of magical thinking, we live in it. (Creepy side note, the Unabomber predicted people would start behaving this way and wrote about it in his 1995 manifesto.)

Anyway, back to the shipping and cultural misunderstandings. I feel it needs to be said that I am not Korean, and my experiences with Korean culture consist of several friendships from childhood through high school where I spent time in the homes of my Korean friends, several visits to Korea while my parents lived there (plus their experiences living there as told to me), and then of course my experiences with Korean popular culture (mainly dramas and K-pop). My perspective is still very much that of a western outsider, but as an outsider I think I see where the misunderstanding is for a lot of people.

Koreans (generally) are more affectionate in same-sex friendships. It is socially acceptable to touch your friends, to show physical affection towards your friends in public, and even to be naked around your friends (see public bath culture in Korea). Verbal expressions of affection between male friends, saying things like, “I love you,” and “I miss you” to a friend is not only socially acceptable, but common.

This is a stark contrast to western culture, where men physically touching other men in any way that isn’t assault/aggression is treated as a threat to masculinity and/or an assumption of homosexuality. Most men feel they cannot express affection towards their male friends, as they have been socially conditioned into believing it will emasculate them in some way. This is changing and many men are rejecting that social norm, but it’s glacial change. When people view BTS members’ affections for one another through the western, homophobic lens, it can be easy to misinterpret that these men are lovers, forbidden, hidden, or not. And whether any of them actually are or not is irrelevant. We don’t know, and we can’t know, and anything beyond that is projection.

There is also idol culture at play, where there is a false sense of intimacy created between fans & the artist. We feel like we know them better than we do; that’s purely by design. I appreciate the affection BTS members have for us as fans and what they are willing to share about themselves with us, but I don’t treat that as if I actually know them. However, that line can get really blurry, really fast for fans.

Idk I just get creeped out by some of the shipping content I see. I’m thinking of the really weird photoshopping that people do to pictures of the members, zooming in on “details” of them touching each other in photos and videos and building these creepy narratives around them, that kind of stuff bugs me.

All of this was inspired by this Reddit post about Taekook shipping conspiracies, and how there is this pocket of shippers who actively hate Jimin and try to push this weird, false narrative of him antagonizing and interfering in their relationship. I’ve seen stuff about Jimin getting unnecessary hate before, but this just really irritates me. If you made it this far into my babbling, thank you friend :]

[dreadnought-dear-captain]

You Asked, I Told

(Note, if this post shows up twice or massively delayed or just looks weird, it’s because it was flagged for adult content [??!] because I had a picture of Willem Dafoe’s face in a gif. I am not even kidding. Do with that information what you will. I’ve removed it and I still don’t know if/when this can be publicly viewed, I’m kind of lolling. So if you see a blocked out photo that looks like porn in your post, I swear it’s just a gif from The Lighthouse!)

Hello, amazing people. This weekend, I’m putting the final touches on my last draft of Baghdad Waltz Chapter 39, which will then go to the beta for one more round of edits. I imagine I will have the chapter posted in 1-3 weeks, which is close to record speed for me, especially since it’s around 30k words. I’m going to be talking about my writing process (at unfortunate length) for one of the asks, for those who are interested. 

Please forgive me. I’m feeling quite verbose and a little squirrely. I blame living alone during lockdown. 

It’s also Memorial Day weekend in the States, which is when we are meant to honor those who gave their lives in military service to this country. This is often confused with Veterans Day (November 11), which is honoring anyone who has served in the military and is no longer serving. This gets further confused with Armed Forces Day (rotating date, May) which is to honor those currently serving in the military. I know, super confusing. 

There’s a wide range of opinions on how Memorial Day should be commemorated, which often involves gathering with friends and family for a barbecue or some other social activity. It’s the first major holiday after a huge holiday drought throughout the late winter and spring, which often makes people look forward to it immensely. Some people feel it’s inappropriate to celebrate Memorial Day with barbecues and fond social gatherings because it’s dishonoring the memories of those who can’t be here, people don’t take time to remember those who have died, people have no idea what the day is actually for, etc. Others, even some very vocal veterans, maintain that people died so that we could be here to celebrate in freedom, so why not relish this life we have? Many offer the caveat that it’s appropriate to at least acknowledge the purpose of the day, even if it’s just in a few minutes of quiet reflection. 

Anyway, I offer this as a little food for thought for this upcoming long weekend. 

(And in case you missed it, I posted a BW Timeline for your reference.) 

Contains spoilers through Chapter 38.

[Takes deep breath]

I’m so glad that you are enjoying the read and that you’re finding it inspiring for your own work. I think my dedication to research for BW is threefold. 1) As this story evolved, I decided that I wanted to create the most realistic depictions of military, civilian, emotional, and physical life that I reasonably could. I will fully admit to lapses in this, deliberate and unintentional, because sometimes the plot just needs to go and I can’t wait around for a year-long medical discharge process for my character. 2) I’m in an academically stringent occupation, and because research is such a prominent part of my work life, it’s bled to my hobby. (IS THIS EVEN A HOBBY ANYMORE?) And 3) I get very easily and passionately obsessed with things and delight in getting “into the weeds” with a subject. Almost every research divergence usually takes me off track for at least an hour. And you will never catch me without an MTA subway map open in at least one tab.

But that wasn’t even your question! Sorry. Are you beginning to get a sense of why BW takes me so long to write?? I cannot keep my shit on track. As for the bibliography, YES! I plan to include that in my author’s note at the end. I wish I had kept better track of all of my works consulted over the past three years, but I will definitely discuss the importance of some of the main ones. I’m so thrilled that you are interested, and I’m excited to share them!

Thank you. This is such a kind thing to say, and I’m humbled and delighted to hear it, especially because our fandom is so blessed with some AMAZING fics. And asks certainly don’t have to be questions! I appreciate them all (except the flaming bag of dog shit ones, which I haven’t had in a while, hooray).

(Re: Chapter 37) Good question! I imagine Claire would want to keep the 1:1 conversation somewhat limited, as she is treating the couple as a patient rather than them as individuals. If anything, she might have somewhat superficially checked in to see if he was okay rather than dive into anything regarding the relationship with Bucky not around. That could be seen as a betrayal of trust to Bucky and could be interpreted as favoritism, which Steve craves and which Bucky is probably terrified about.

I am always pleased when people re-read and enjoy it or get new things out of it, even if it’s sometimes a re-read is a function of my slow-ass writing. I really want a story with good re-read value.

You make an excellent point about Bucky’s relationships. His friendship with Jack also had no real closure. Sometimes this is a factor of circumstance and sometimes it’s because of his avoidance, like a self-fulfilling prophesy almost. He’s learned that people betray you, either by hurting you or dying, so he creates conditions sometimes (often unwittingly) for things to go sour and end poorly, or he will simply make himself disappear so that he’s not hurt and doesn’t have to wait to see if he will be abandoned or betrayed. He’s not a guy who is good with goodbyes.

As for Thor, I totally see how it would read that way. I think Thor started out fishing for longer-term possibilities in a romantic relationship but then realized Bucky is really not a guy who is comfortable settling (which, as we can see, is true). As for why it seems more serious, one thing is that Thor still wanted Bucky in his life as a friend, possibly one with benefits. They have a lot in common, and it’s hard for veterans - and, more specifically, special operators - to find people in their lives they can relate to with these very intense life experiences. I wanted this to be a real relationship, but maybe not necessarily one that was bound to become a RELATIONSHIP. I think Bucky was very intriguing and attractive to him, and he very well may have struggled with his own vacillation between whether to take it seriously or whether to remain friends+. This can lead to mixed messages.

And we also have to remember Bucky’s notoriously unreliable narration, where he will see what he wants to see. Our perspective comes from him. We see the details he zooms in on, miss the one he ignores, view the relationship through the lens of his own contentious desire for a real relationship, even as he consistently demonstrates the lack of capacity and his fear about getting serious. I imagine Bucky has having an extremely poor ability to distinguish friendship from romance, and why wouldn’t he, given the most recent bit of history we have learned about him with Jack? He’s had a series of friendships become sexualized, and I think this affects his capacity to be discerning. Bucky’s radar for relating, whether friendships, romance, or potentially dangerous sexual situations, is terribly mis-calibrated. How confusing for him and for the people in his life. Of course, everyone is free to interpret the dynamics of any relationship however they choose. These are just some of my thoughts.

I really appreciate observations from the re-read! Thank you!

I watched the video and you are right! This is definitely a Bucky song. Bucky’s sense of self is by turns profoundly distorted and lacking in grounding, especially now that he’s not in the military. He’s been in a low key existential crisis since he was a kid and has turned to drinking and sex and war to fill this horrible void, and although I can’t speak for what the artists here intended, I certainly sensed those elements here for sure. (Also, what an interesting choice for a music video…)

Thank you for sharing! I’ll add it to the unofficial BW playlist in the author’s note, which consists of various songs people have associated with BW and shared with me.

Good question! I started off this story picturing the actors who represent the characters in the MCU, because I figured we’d be picturing that when we read the fic anyway (though my beta told me she doesn’t see them as the actors, more like artists’ renderings of the characters, which I find interesting). So when describing their physicality, I tend to refer back to the MCU, since this is technically an MCU AU. But the longer I go with the story, the murkier the resemblance feels to me, especially when I think about Bucky, IDK why. I have also been considering doing something more with BW after I finish it (i.e., converting it into a proper not-bajillion-word novel, sunk cost and whatnot), in which case I would definitely change the characters’ appearance, names, cut MCU Easter eggs, etc. So when I try to think of who these people might be in future iterations of the story, things get even more blurred in my mind when I imagine them.

I wonder how other people see them??

So, with regards to PTSD clinical teams, there is some variation across VAs in the system. Some focus more on military-related trauma, whether it’s war, military sexual trauma, accidents, etc. as a way of concentrating their services and managing supply and demand. From talking with providers in these kinds of systems, sometimes you just NEED a military-related trauma, but you can be treated for, say, a childhood trauma if it’s more pressing. Other VAs are very open in their criteria, and you can see them for pretty much any kind of trauma that qualifies diagnostically for PTSD (or sub-threshold PTSD) without question. That’s why I love the expression “If you’ve been to one VA, you’ve been to one VA.” That said, it kind of doesn’t matter what kind of PTSD clinical team is at the VA in Manhattan, because Bucky has so much military trauma that he would very likely qualify to receive services in any PTSD clinical team. They just might focus on childhood stuff (if Bucky actually let them, which is another matter entirely).

This is a great question! Thanks for asking.

I love a snarky asshole Bucky so much, and I’ve tried to temper this version of him with enough hard-earned genuineness to offset it a little bit. It’s such a tender balance with him, because if you back him too far into a corner, he’s going to let you have it. But if you give him too much space, it’s hard to pin him down and wring something honest from him. He’s definitely learned to use humor and sarcasm to deflect from painful or uncomfortable situations, and it’s a very adaptive short-term strategy that makes him both endearing and infuriating to others.

But ugh, yeah, shit gets so rough around Chapter 28/29. I don’t know how to feel when people have really strong emotional reactions to this story, because one part of me doesn’t want to contribute to the crappy feelings people may already be struggling with — especially in the times of COVID — but I don’t want to be afraid to dive into the hurt these characters are experiencing. That’s why I recommend checking in with oneself before reading to get a sense of how much emotional bandwidth is available to manage the immense problems of two people struggling so much. I also think that for some people it can be cathartic or otherwise not-bad maybe (?), based on the feedback I’ve received. I also really try hard to balance out the painful stuff with growth, even though it can be terribly difficult to locate sometimes.

In comments to folks, and here, I often talk about adjusting the ticks on your measuring stick for progress, where instead of leaps of progress over feet/meters, we may be observing things on an inch/mm scale. This story is my most sincere effort at a “recovery is not linear” narrative, which I think is so much more reflective of real life for a lot of folks than a straight upward trajectory. Humans are such creatures of habit, and the lessons these characters have learned through their lives about themselves, trust, relationships, and how to manage emotions are very deeply ingrained — often through traumatic means. These are the lessons learned the hardest, with the greatest perceived consequences for change, and it takes real courage for us to be able to try new things even once, let alone to establish a reliable pattern of behavior. This can lead to a lot of frustration for us as readers/writer, and I come from a place of this being okay, because we are encountering a parallel process with the characters, who are frustrated with each other and themselves about the same things. I do hope the pain/progress/joy ratios are not horribly out of whack most of the time. That’s another reason I like long chapters, because if this was just blips of sometimes terrible episodes in shorter form, I think it would be very challenging to not lose hope entirely.

But I’m so glad you’re finding the read meaningful, even if it’s sometimes painful and difficult.

(YES.)

And FINALLY -- (this is all soooo long, I’m so sorry.)

Oh, thank you for this question! My spreadsheet ended up getting too difficult to manage, and I actually had a small crisis six months ago about how the fic was going to end, because it just didn’t feel right. I had to scrap it and go back to the drawing board and really ask myself - what would these characters really do? Naturally, as a factor of their psychologies and circumstances, how will they bring this story to an end? Some advice I once heard about a “satisfying” ending is that it’s the place where there’s simply nothing more to say about the characters. There’s no more story to tell. I had to abandon all of my desires  and ideas for a particular ending or concerns about making people sad or happy or excited or disappointed. I know that the only ending that will be satisfying is one that makes sense for these people. Anything contrived or backward-engineer-y wouldn’t feel right to anyone. I do have a couple of specific character arc things I want to happen, so I set those down as touchstones and said, okay, what would happen next? What would Steve do with this? And what would Bucky do with this? And what would they do with the thing the other person did? I take a very psychology and prior-behavior-based approach to plotting, almost all character driven. The rest is just figuring out what is supposed to go where and how to organize it.

I’ve converted everything to a Google Doc and have a very basic outline where I write plotty-plot stuff. I also have a “garbage dump” doc where I write certain lines I want to use or certain details I want to include somewhere. When I get into a new chapter, I’ll check the dump doc as I outline and write to see if I want to pluck anything from there. I have my outline open regularly to add to it. Sometimes I write scenes out of order, dialogue first, but that’s only if I really am excited about a particular scene and cannot contain myself. Otherwise, I write completely chronologically and have no buffer. I post things as soon as I write them.

As for your specific questions, I do have a “process” for getting into my characters’ heads. It helps to know them so very well and to have a firm sense of their idiosyncrasies and patterns of behavior. As you may have noticed, they repeat their patterns all. the. time, as humans do, but I also want to have them change their behaviors a little as things go and they progress. So I may wonder what they could do a little differently, why they would WANT to behave differently, and imagine what they would need to do to change their behavior. Do they need to take breaths? Do they remember the last time some shit went down? I really try to think of the “how” and “why” of every single action - from big blowouts to eye rolls.

So once I’ve figured out what they are going to do, I try to pinpoint the associated emotions I want to highlight. This is a whole separate process, because I have to think also about their internal versus their external emotional states. Steve, for example, will often have a discrepant inside and outside, because one of the truths about his character is that he is a chronic suppressor. There is also the issue of unreliable narration and interpretation of behavior. Steve might do something in a scene, but that doesn’t mean Bucky is going to interpret it the way it was intended. I have to think about their individual filters, which often reflect their internal beliefs about themselves. Bucky is more likely to read Steve’s actions as reflections of how BUCKY feels about HIMSELF (e.g., he’s disgusted by me because I’m disgusting) rather than imagine what Steve is really thinking based on his own experiences and beliefs about Bucky. I also attempt to convey some of the more second and third layer emotions that people have in situations, rather than only highlighting the primary emotion. Sad things don’t always just make people sad. Powerful emotions, for example, might make Steve feel out of control of himself, which could generate secondary emotions for him like frustration because he’s losing control. Part of the process in the construction of the narrative is also scrubbing what I’ve written for POV, because Bucky’s word choices aren’t the same as Steve’s, and in order to try to preserve the “voice” of each character, I often have to change the words I’ve opted to use, as well as the syntax.

So, as you can see, there’s a lot of layering that is happening all the time. As for the dialogue, I have no compunction about saying the lines aloud, “acting” them to see how they sound, to get a sense of what tone I want them to say things in. Now that I think of it, I do a bit of movement-based stuff, thinking about how people sit and stand, figuring how many steps it takes to get from A-Z, what it would look like to lean against something, how it would feel on the body, etc. I try to get the most felt sense of things as I can. If I’m imagining a scene, I try to put myself in the shoes of the characters to the point where I feel the emotions, just so I can know how it reflects in my body and my mind and behavior. I have more than once gotten drunk and drunk-written drunk Bucky then gone to clean it up later, as drunk writing can generate some great content I never would have been able to come up with sober, but the form, grammar, spelling, etc. is often rubbish. I also talk a LOT to my beta about all of this stuff, and I have certain friends and acquaintances in the fandom who are my consultants for various things.

So, I’m somewhat method I guess?? Is that a thing?? I dunno. It’s not hard to do when you live and breathe a story. It’s required a deep level of interest in - quite possibly an obsession with - the characters and their lives. I adore my characters, not in a self-congratulatory way, but because they feel so real to me. So it’s a joy to plan and write -- though I do hate first drafts with a passion.

OH - I also sometimes fast-draft chapters, which I did for 39. That is, write as FAST AS YOU CAN with no regard for how shitty the writing is. I wrote 10k words in a week, which was a finished fast-draft for me, and thus I had a very good felt sense of what was going to happen in the chapter, which felt amazing. It requires intensive outlining before, and nearly every word had to be rewritten, but one of the greatest frustrations of a story for me is having blank space ahead. Re-writing is way more fun than first draft writing. I have fluffed it up twofold with higher quality content, which I did all in less than two months…!! 

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Well, this is surely my most unnecessarily yammering YAIT in history. But I hope it at least conveys my enthusiasm for these wonderful asks! It’s so lovely to hear from all of you, even if I take an eon to get back to you. Hang in there, everyone!

@grimshady @hutchhitched​ @b0n3l3ssm1lk​ 

(And thank you to @bae-buckyaboveeverything​ for the shout out. You made my day<3)

[gonewiddershins]

i have time to kill  and a brain that needs to be distracted from the looming void of the pointlessness of life so here is an ENTIRE ask meme (part 1)

What book are you currently reading?

A bunch of them, as always. I’ve been dragging myself chapter by chapter through little women for like a couple of months now (i really like the prose, i’m less than convinced by about half of the subject matter and I know Louisa May Alcott likely had the same opinion), There’s a bullet journal guide that I’m forever putting on hold because sigh there are reasons why I need a bullet journal. I’m re-reading The Scum VIllain’s Self Saving System, mostly because the donghua was excellent and gave me cravings. I’m about a third of the way through a halloween anthology and i wasn’t into the latest story so its been like that for a while. I’ve read a couple of chapters and pages each of The Queen of the Tearling and Evensong’s heir respectively and I haven’t gotten back to them but I also don’t want to drop them because they are fine so far. I;m halfway through mexican gothic and I like it but it’s a bit slow-moving so I’m getting twitchy. I’m also about halfway through this segregated magic system urban fantasy thing which would be really good if 90% of the dialogue wasn’t exposition and I have some critique notes for the author about that.

What book did you recently finish?

Another danmei webnovel. And another transmigration novel. This one was both. There was some interesting worldbuilidng and character stuff in the beginning and then it dropped most of the plotlines and devolved into sex scenes I now know how Shen Yuan felt when he was reading proud Immortal Demon Way because SO MANY dropped plot points guys so many.

What’s a book that’s been on your to-read list for a long time? 

Rhythm of War? Hopefully I don’t approach this with excitement that fizzles out before I actually start on it like with Oathbringer. I don’t think that’s gonna be the case but I cannot predict the vagaries of my mood reading.

What’s the next book you’re hoping to read?

Eh. Probably RoW again. I do want to read Dawnshard before I read RoW but I’m not entirely sure if that’s going to be possible. RoW takes priority as of now.

Is there a book you own, but aren’t planning on reading?

*gestures vaguely at shelf full of classic novels I am probably never actually going to finish* People keep getting me these things because I “like reading more than anything else” and reading clearly means reading classics.

What was your favourite series as a kid? Would you still read it now? 

Animorphs! And yes. I periodically re-read random books from the series for kicks. Not all of it holds up well but enough does to make it a fairly enjoyable experience.

What’s your favourite series now? 

I don’t actually do favourites anymore because I’m indecisive and there are way too many metrics to calculate and sometimes I like different books for very different reasons. 

Fantasy or sci-fi? 

I like both, but I generally prefer fantasy. That said I’m more interested in the applications of weird magic/tech and social consequences than I am in anything else; which means I adore sci-fi like say- The Vorkosigan Saga and Imperial Radch while disliking more standardized/hero-focused fantasy like The Faithful and the Fallen (I STILL DON’T KNOW HOW PEOPLE LIKE IT). It’s a spectrum.

I think someone once mentioned on this very site that they liked fantasy which took a scientific approach to magic and sci-fi which took a magical approach to science and you know what I kinda feel that statement.

What’s a book you want to buy? 

Fence: Disarmed. There are disaster gays everywhere.

Have you ever judged a book by its cover? 

I've definitely decided to read a book purely because of the cover. Sometimes it works out and sometimes it doesn’t. Same with book titles.

Have you ever bought a book because of who the author was? 

I have a small list of auto-buy authors I scream about all the time so Yes. Is Horror not generally my genre but is T. Kingfisher writing some weird horror shit? I’ll take it thank you very much.

If I do find an author I like I generally go through their entire backlist because while quality may vary between earlier and later books (*coughSANDERSONcough*) there are repetitive motifs/tropes I really enjoy which i think the author also enjoys.

Have you ever read a celebrity memoir? If so, whose was it? 

Nah. I’ve probably tried to read a couple marketed as funny but I didn’t find them very funny so I gave up. I do have Know My Name by Chanel Miller on my to-do list but I don’t think that qualifies as a celebrity memoir. Oh, and I suppose I’ll get around to reading Trevor Noah’s memoir eventually. Or Bassem Youssef’s.

Are you a fan of autobiographies? 

I think that probably depends on the autobiography in question. I remember reading the first part of Gandhi’s autobiography and thinking “wow you are hella judgemental, dude” before I got anywhere hear the Independence movement stuff. I remember starting Booker T Washington’s Up From Slavery with every expectation of giving up halfway through and then powering through it in like a day because it was that good. So. //shrugs

Fiction or non-fiction? 

Fiction for long-form stuff and non-fiction for short form stuff. I struggle with short stories, but I can breeze through essays and articles. On the other hand, give me a non fiction book and I’ll brood over it for seven years like I’m trying to hatch a basilisk.

Favourite fiction genre? 

I usually say fantasy but a more accurate term would be speculative fiction because I like “how does X change affect society” stories a LOT.

Favourite non-fiction genre? 

History (caveat: no biographies, please- just more anthropology-like history) and science. And I do mean science, not technology.

Historical fiction: yea or nay? 

generally yea but it really depends on the author and the subject matter. I’m not all that invested in monarchy-based historical fiction (monarchy based fantasy fiction i’ll take), for example. And I really like survivalist fiction so historical survival is a big win in my book.

Do you read the book or watch the movie first? 

Ha. Watch a movie? What do you take me for a philistine? (I will however, quite possibly watch a animated series before reading the book it’s a thing.)

Paperback or hardcover? 

Paperback. I’m hell on hardcovers. The state of my copy of Goblet of Fire would make anyone with an ounce of sympathy for books weep.

Do you read e-books? 

Almost exclusively, at this point.

How many bookshelves do you have? 

Physically, not that many. Just two? Everything is crammed in two layers deep though.

How do you organize your books?

Author (Firstname, Lastname) > Series > Series Position. Nonfiction is sorted either by Topic (I HAVE NOT ORGANIZED THIS SUBSECTON WELL ENOUGH IT PREYS ON ME CONSTANTLY), author names I recognize, or books in a series.

Do you prefer borrowing books from friends, borrowing books from a library, or buying them?  How willing are you to lend your books to other people?

I guess buying them if I really like the books? I’m a compulsive re-reader. I don’t really like borrowing books from people because I get stressed about forgetting to give them back. I do like lending books to people though. If I have a backup copy in ebook format, anyway.

I don’t really have any libraries I can borrow non-Classics fiction from alas.

In what condition do you keep your books? 

“it’s Okay I guess” to Poor. A couple are in “WHAT MANNER OF HIDEOUS BEAST RAVAGED YOU” territory. I need to cover books or I inevitably start wearing down on the corners it’s like i exude an aura of non-lethal but constantly-eroding destruction that affects everything I come into contact with I thank my electronics from the bottom of my heart for their service.

What’s the biggest book you’ve ever read, and how many pages did it have? 

I’m reasonably sure it’s this webnovel called Rebirth of the Malicious Empress of Military Lineage because DEAR GOD IT TOOK ME WEEKS even when i was near-constantly reading I think it was even longer than Tian Guan Ci Fu/Heaven’s Official Blessing but idk how long bc webnovel and the pagecount (for the whole novel) is not listed on Goodreads.

[codenamesazanka]

I think i fell into the trap of villains being more interesting than the heroes in bnha. I find tomura more entertaining. The kids in 1-a aside from bakugou and maybe todoroki are too nice? What are they’re flaws?

Hiya! Thanks for this cool question! I’m sorry, but you’ll be getting a looong essay from me! 

And yeah, same!! Though I don’t think its that the UA kids are boing/too nice/flawed. When I first started watching MHA, I was on the lookout for a favorite character to stan. Uraraka, Iida, Eraserhead, even Snipe(???)… I actually didn’t care for Shigaraki Tomura at first, tho I did like his creepy vibe. When I finally did take notice, it was a delight trying to figure him out because he’s so contradictory and still mysterious. Making sense of it all/using all of the pieces to discover a characterization that made sense, was just fun and rewarding. 

IDK exactly what changed to make me like him, but I think it was that I got interested in the worldbuilding, how exactly quirks and heroes and villains exist. Villains are a really cool perspective to look at the society from, and who better to use as an example than hand man? 

…Which is also the main flaw I perceive about MHA. 

(Everything here is my opinion! I’m a huge sci-fi/fantasy fan so that’s the angle I’m most interested in, and also I read the non-villain arcs like once and that information has largely been crowded out by the ever-expanding and all-consuming thoughts of the League of Villains, so I will get somethings wrong)

IMO, Worldbuilding is a bit weird, in that it’s not enough to establish the norms - which is hard enough - but often you must also establish the taboos. Figuring out how things function includes examining the dysfunctions. Sometimes you create a world only to tear it down. 

But that’s the heart of speculative fiction - imagining different ways of living, different ways the world could be, taking aspects from our world and dissecting it. “Fantasy — the fantastic, the imagination that I love so dearly and that I’ve used to try to construct my own work — is everything that helps to expose more clearly and more powerfully the reality that surrounds us,” Julio Cortazár said. The classic sci-fi stories of exploration and invasion, othering, transhumanism - all are already issues irl: colonialism, discrimination, disability. The lives and conflicts in those stories can exist because of the lives and conflicts of real people as sources to build upon. 

@dabistits​ has said this much more eloquently and comprehensively than I ever could, so go read her meta!!

It’s obvious Horikoshi has put a lot of thought into figuring out his world, with all sorts of details to flesh it out - he writes into it issues like the accommodation of bodies that deviate from the supposed norm; what if people had innate differences, some of which are seen as dangerous; discrimination; self-determination and the right to bear arms affecting the social contract. You can say, ‘Nal, you’re looking too deep into this, it’s a comic for 8-year-olds’, and it’s true! But the first words the begin the story are ‘People are not born equal’; I’m taking it as invitation to examine that. 

So we have a world with its many dysfunctions and flawed systems. Everything that happens hinges pretty much on quirks. I think a great way to explore that is using plot and characterization. It’s not characters being plopped into the world; the world produces the characters. Development occurs as a response to trying to live under these conditions, trying to grow and push the boundaries, or accept and pass it on. 

But I feel like Horikoshi haven’t done this with the UA kids? 

These students are in the contained environment of school and not really interacting with the people they are to protect and serve, and their goal is to get stronger and more powerful but that’s kinda indistinguishable from any other shonen manga and not Hero-specific. Instead of just ‘use my quirk to punch a bad guy and save the day’, I wanna see situations where the kids learn that they cannot use physical methods, I wanna see the moral dilemma of arresting a person who punched out someone discriminating against them, I wanna see them having to accept failure and death as part of the job, dealing with the compassion fatigue. The Hero-specific things. Also, we don’t get to enter the headspace and background of the rest of Class 1A. It’s not the kid’s flaws. 

So the questions Horikoshi brings up about society isn’t actually usually answered by the heroes (some of the exceptions are, as you point out, anon, Todoroki and Bakugou). They’re answered and navigated by the Villains. The Villains are the ‘failed’ products of the world, their grief and discontent is due to being unable to function in this specific society. Their motivations are specific to Hero-society and quirks. And I love that! I love that we get a better sense of the setting and society through their stories - Twice is the one who gets to show us the effect of All Might’s retirement, Spinner introduced us to mutant discrimination, Detnerat gave us some important info about the economy and quirk-usage rights. 

The Heroes don’t get that? Not really? At the beginning of the manga, we do, though! Todoroki and his family, Shinsou and his quirk, Tenya and his brother. But after that, iirc, an issue is brought up, then usually quickly resolved. Kouta hates heroes? Midoriya becomes his hero and Kouta has a change of heart. The media rightfully rips into UA for the camp fiasco and the public agrees? The AFO and All Might fight overshadows that. Aoyama and Midoriya share a moment over quirk-incompatibility, but nothing more than that. 

It’s not that I just side with the Villains completely. I love Vigilantes, and I love the characters that try to do good. Vigilantes explores the dysfunctions and idiosyncrasies. Doing good despite breaking the rules; the desire to use your quirk but having to suppress this innate part of yourself; questioning the Hero system but keeping the ideals.

Koichi, the main character, is very sweet, ‘too nice’ as you might describe, very mild-mannered, his adventures limited mostly to the streets of his neighborhood. He is not flashy like Shigaraki, but I like him a lot. His growth is in response to him learning to be a citizen of his world - what it means to do good, having to interact with the community and its people, finding a niche to make use of his quirk. Making a lasting effect on the every day of the streets. The ‘trigger drug’ storyline works really well because it’s both giving us some insights about how official investigation works and the legal definition of ‘Villain’ (Tsukauchi), the use of social media and Pop’s influence to detect the villains, the biological mechanism of quirks and things people use to enhance it, along with Knuckleduster’s history and developing the relationship between the vigilante trio. 

So yeah! I feel like the full potential of the story Horikoshi wants to tell - this world that’s still dealing with the consequences of quirks appearing, the law enforcement system that arose from having to govern millions of individual with a million different abilities and needs, all of who has to learn how ‘great power comes with great responsibilities’ applies to them, and villain created by these circumstances, who is fated to be in a century-old battle that came to be because of the advent of the extraordinary, a wild fantastical full circle - hasn’t been shown through the UA kids and heroes. Instead, it comes across better from the Villains, and that’s why imo I find them more interesting. 

[rawcbwzx-blog]

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[simmer-for-hire-blog]

Why I haven’t been around.

Hoo boy, this is gonna be a Longpost™ so I’m probably gonna put it under a cut, just so you guys don’t have to look at the whole thing on your dash. But this is basically just gonna be me outlining why I haven’t been around on Tumblr, and more broadly just kinda everywhere. Also, there might be some darker themes and stuff, so I’ll make sure to put in the appropriate trigger warnings in the tags. And before any of you rush to judgments, no I’m not making this post to garner sympathy or for notes or anything like that. If anything I’m just trying to provide an explanation to those who follow me and are disappointed by my lack of posts, and potentially raise awareness for what I’m going through and provide some basic information. So hold on to your hats, because here we gooo! (There’s also gonna be some TMI in here about periods and stuff so if that kind of thing grosses you out then you probably shouldn’t read this tbh)

So I’ve had a few health problems - both physical and mental - that I’ve been trying to  overcome over the past couple of years or so. Most of my problems concern the endocrine (hormone) system and reproductive organs, so if this is TMI, then it might be better for you to not continue reading as I will probably go into some detail.

For about a year or so, I’ve had the official diagnosis of Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, or PCOS, but I’ve been suffering from it for a good five years or so idk? For those of you who aren’t familiar with it, it is a condition that is related to abnormal hormone production in the body, which results in characteristics such as excess hair growth, weight gain, irregular or no periods and - the main focal point - fluid-filled sacs growing in the ovaries, which can cause a lot of pain if they burst. I’d just like to make a note here that I am in no way an expert, so the information here may not be completely accurate, so I urge you to do your own research on this if you wish to find out more, rather than taking what I say as fact. My personal experience with this has been less severe than a lot of cases, I would say. I first started showing symptoms around 2014/2015, when my periods became irregular, and eventually stopped altogether over the period of about 4 months. Naturally, I went to see a doctor, and had maybe the worst experience I’ve ever had with a medical professional. It took him two years (still with no periods) to finally admit that something was wrong, and I ended up having to enter each medical appointment with the attitude that I would need to fight tooth and nail to get him to admit that I could have a problem. But eventually he agreed to send me for an ultrasound, and there it was found that I had a borderline amount of cysts (not enough for a certain diagnosis, but too many to say that there was nothing wrong), leading to a diagnosis being given, as I had a lot of other symptoms. There is no treatment for PCOS, as it cannot be cured, so all the doctors can do is suggest options to manage the symptoms. One such option is the contraceptive pill, which they put me on. I had such a terrible reaction to this that I stopped taking them because it was impossible for me to function as a human being while I was on them, as they worsened the disorder that I will tell you about next. However, when I came off the pill, I actually started getting periods again, which seemed like a miraculous recovery, until something worse happened...

So I was thinking that everything would be magically better when I started having periods again. Unfortunately for me this was not the case. After coming off the contraceptive pill, I had regular (yet very light) periods again. So this meant that the cycle of hormones was continuing normally. For the week or so leading up to my period until a couple of days into the period, where people would often experience PMS, it’s like I became a different person. I’d have episodes where I’d be so sad that I couldn’t get out of bed, and would sometimes barely be able to move. Obviously this caused me to miss a lot of school. I think my attendance at the end of this school year must have been like 50% or something. I’d also experience fits of violent rage, and overwhelming thoughts of self-harm and suicide. In February of this year, it all became too much for me, and I was admitted to the hospital after a suicide attempt. Luckily for me and everyone around me, I survived and was discharged a couple of days afterwards. My memory of the event is terrible due to the nature of the attempt so I couldn’t really tell you very much about my experience. It was a very strange period of time, because about halfway through each period, these symptoms would fade away, and I’d be left wondering why I’d ever had these thoughts and feelings, because they wouldn’t even cross my mind when these ‘episodes’ weren’t going on. It was during this time that a family member sent me a link to an article. This article was about a woman who, like me, suffered an almost complete personality change for a few weeks per month, in a seemingly cyclical nature. Like me, this started when she first got her periods and didn’t affect her all the time. The only difference is that her periods were always regular, whereas I had barely had any due to the PCOS. This woman was diagnosed with a disorder called Pre-Menstrual Dysphoric Disorder, or PMDD. A lot of the information is on the website that I have linked, but feel free to do your own research if you’re curious. To summarise, it is a disorder caused by sensitivity to normal hormone fluctuations that causes extreme mood swings, depression, anxiety, bursts of rage etc. between ovulation and bleeding (which basically means the week or two leading up to your period). For me, this disorder is crippling, and has destroyed any chance of a life I could have had. I cannot continue any form of education, I cannot work (I had a job for about an hour before I couldn’t take it but that’s another story), so there’s not much to do with my life. Lately I have been thinking long and hard about some information that I’ve recently come across. According to the Equality Act of 2010 (this applies to me because I live in the UK, but it’ll be different in other countries), a disability is defined as ‘having a physical or mental impairment that has a substantial and long term negative effect on your ability to do normal day to day activities’. According to this definition, my PMDD is a disability, but I haven’t fully read up on the legislation, so I couldn’t whether legally it would count or anything like that. I also don’t know how I feel about being defined as ‘disabled’, because mental disorders aren’t typically seen as being disabling in our society and there’s a stigma around people with disabilities being ‘helpless’ and I’m certainly not that, and I don’t want to undermine people who suffer from physical disabilities by calling myself ‘disabled’, so there’s a whole host of reasons why I don’t want to jump to that.

Contrary to what I’ve been saying here, there is actually hope for me. PMDD and PCOS are not completely curable per se, but there are ways to manage and educe symptoms, so I can live a normal life (PMDD is more curable than PCOS however, which has been touched upon in the article I linked earlier, and I will briefly discuss in a second). However, so far my GP has been of absolutely no help, and I fully intend to complain officially because the way they have treated me is appalling and has basically ruined the current state of my life. That is why I decided to see a private specialist. I am so lucky that my family have the financial security needed to be able to afford a private healthcare consultation, because I received so much more help from them in the half hour consultation than I ever received from my GP in the four years that I have been going to them for help on these matters. The private doctor listened to the timeline of events that I laid out for her, and the full extent of what is currently going on, and recommended that I take vitamin supplements, as they have been proven to slightly manage PMDD symptoms, and prescribed a five-day contraceptive which would hopefully get my periods kick-started again, as I have missed the last four months with no sign of them returning. I’m currently on the last day of this contraceptive, and I’ve been suffering with really bad PMDD (didn’t really help that I was out drinking on friday which usually makes my symptoms worse, but oh well, it was a good night), so hopefully these will yield results within a couple of days. The consultant is also following up with a colleague in London who is an expert on this kind of thing, and will shoot me an email if she finds anything else out. Treatment options for PMDD can include inducing menopause early or even a hysterectomy (removal of the female reproductive organ), but I have been told that hopefully it will not come to that.

So yeah, that’s been my journey so far. During this time, it’s been difficult, even impossible, to keep up with this blog. I hope that you understand why I haven’t been able to update regularly. If you have any questions, please ask me, and I’ll try to the best of my ability to answer all of them. If you’ve read this far, thank you for sticking with me, and by the way, thank you for 738 followers! I really don’t deserve that much love and support considering I haven’t made a post in months, but it means a lot. I hope this post informed you all about what I’ve been dealing with and all that, and I’ll try to make some sort of recovery in order to keep posting here. I love you guys xx

[cripplepunk-sylveon]

Why would you need to feel guilty if you don't eat animals? i'm confused 😮 wouldn't it be a good thing if possible? I mean, since growing food for livestock is destroying the rainforest and isn't adopting a plant based diet one of the biggest things an individual can do to combat climate change?

As gently as I can manage: no, it's not that simple, and a plant-based diet as most folks think of it is not inherently better for the environment. Nothing any group of individuals from the general public can do will counteract the damage being done by big corporations.

tl;dr: A PBD is not inherently better for the environment, it highly depends on where you live and what you can/should buy, and many folks don't understand nor want to understand that. The history of food is a history of colonialism and violence and we need to address that, especially when it comes to veganism in North America and the importing of non-native foods to support it.

Full essay under the cut that I never meant to write but it sure did happen

Is it possible to go on a plant-based diet (a PBD, for future use of the term, because it will be popping up plenty here) within a localized area because it's more affordable/better for you/better for your environment? Yes. But it takes work to do so. As in, research, a willingness to buy and grow local, and an acute awareness of what the invasive species of your region are.

The unfortunate truth is that many people are unwilling or flat-out incapable of doing said research and work. They just want quick and easy access to plant-based food because they've heard somewhere that it's better and more humane than raising animals for meat/dairy/eggs. This is only possible because we live on colonized land, where we've created a massive distance between us and the origins of what we eat- and brought in non-native animal and plant species to reproduce what our colonizers eat, regardless of the impact on the land and the people. In fact, this was done very much on purpose. Native people reliant on colonial food systems are less likely to cause a ruckus, because they can just be starved out.

For an example, let's look at the Canadian North. The Inuit have hunted whales, seals, caribou, polar bear, and arctic char during the cold months in a sustainable fashion for thousands of years. Inuk people will hunt a single whale and feed their family for a year- never mind the uses for whale oil, baleen, and whale hide. They would use every part of the whale that they could find a use for, nothing was wasted. Nowadays, though... their traditional foods are called "barbaric" and "cruel", and hunting traditionally is frowned upon, while we ship fruit and vegetables that cannot be grown in permafrosted soil up to them and charge them as consumers for the cost to us. Here's a video from 2013 talking about the issue. From 2013! It's still happening now!! I would never recommend a PBD to someone living in such a situation because of both the expense and the destruction of the traditional hunting culture of the Inuit.

Before anyone tries to say I'm shitting on folks who can't eat meat- I'm really not. I get it, the lone star tick is an asshole of epic proportions, and allergies are a fuck you from the universe- I myself can't eat eggs! And they are in EVERYTHING! If we can accommodate allergies and dietary restrictions we absolutely should. I like to think there's a particularly shitty corner of the universe for people who think allergies are a joke or just someone being picky. But those are not choices. Those are required restrictions to keep the person alive and healthy.

Going vegan to "go green", on the other hand, is 100% a personal choice. Unfortunately it's also one frequently shaped by misinformation and propaganda. Vegans never really consider where their food comes from, and because the vast majority of them are city-dwellers who have access to a grocery store, they don't feel like they need to. It's not affecting them personally, so they don't care.

They should though. Many of the plants they rely on for food cause massive ecological damage, way more than growing feed for cattle, chickens, or pigs. Quinoa is farmed using child labour, and the sharp spike in price as white diners demand it- combined with the fact it's a thirsty crop that uses a lot of water that the locals also used as drinking water- kind of destroys any good it's doing by being a "superfood" (It was not a staple crop, however, and has done a little bit of good. Emphasis on a LITTLE BIT). Avocado is facing a similar situation- it was a staple food for the people growing it, now they can't afford it and they're resorting to inhumane measures to grow enough of it to meet white settler demand. (Also, if they fail to pay their cartel fees, they're very likely to have their farm burnt to the ground or worse. El Narco has their fingers in EVERYTHING, even in fruit production.) Cashews are mainly grown and processed in India, where workers suffer low pay and sweatshop conditions and caustic burns to ensure we have them to snack on. Soy products were once the main destructive force facing the Amazon rainforest, and now it's threatening the Cerrado and the millions of species that call the region home while filling local water supplies with silt and grime. There's also hundreds of reports detailing the slavery afoot at soy plantations, AND it's causing topsoil to erode faster.

No, meat and dairy as industries are not without fault. I never claimed they were. It's not hard to find things wrong with beef and dairy, and you can thank militant preachy vegans for that. You can also thank them for those horrifying ads everyone with a certain app spent their first two weeks blocking and reporting with a fervor like no other to make sure they stopped seeing them. (Or, maybe that was just me, idk what tiktok's deal is with giving me PETA and vegan propaganda videos but I'd like it to stop.) HOWEVER. The actual people producing my food, working the land to raise animals for meat and whatnot? They know what they're doing. Many of them have been studying husbandry and animal welfare since they were in middle school at the latest. I trust them to provide a good quality of life for a cow, chicken, pig, or bison that will end up on my plate one day.

Besides, they don't see me eating jerky instead of something I'm deathly allergic to and tell me a horror story about how the cow who provided it was flayed alive (yes, this has happened, more than once- it wasn't even beef jerky, it was bison from a local ranch). They just let me snack in peace and we go about both our days.

[davidjjohnston3]

Facebook Insomnia 7.25.2021 1. I am still sad to conceptualize life in terms of fiction and the condition of fiction rather than Christianity undivided.   Today I had a lot of images of Japan in my mind.  I heard the phrase 'Japanese Breakfast' which is the rock-star name of the author of 'Crying at H-Mart' a famous book. I remembered someone who once dated someone who became my enemy. This person I respected I now realize and I am happy that I didn't say anything excessively stupid that would have implied I look down on her, saw her as easy, saw her as 'material to work on,' someone to have a plan for etc.   I asked her once for help getting someone to interview at Deloitte for consulting only this person was in Accounting. I never really saw this person as in my league or anything to me except as a 'Curriculum Developer' I guess I outranked her and so wasn't shy of talking to / with her in official functions.   Later we drank together and I said a few random things like that I stress- / binge-eat apples, like 5 apples a night. My friend once did a funny imitation of her that in retrospect sounded a little like my Taiwanese ex-girlfriend's imitation of Kaori Mochida from Every Little Thing; the funny thing I now realize is that he too had lingering affection for her despite everything.  I feel he became anti-Korean racist and I don't know where he is now but in retrospect he definitely never crossed a line with her that I know of except for asking questions I would never ask.  He called her by her Asian name which was something I never did in those days feeling it pretentious.   'The mysterious maiden of the Moon...' - It's a line from Yi Kwangsu's 'The Soil' in which a married man is comparing his wife with someone else like his former student.  In good Korean custom since his former student once had a puppy-crush on him and gave him some corn, when her husband finds out, he kicks her to death in her pregnant stomach and this is why I oppose many things in principle such as tribalism, marriage, and for all intent and purposes the nuclear family. Yi Kwangsu is a problematic figure and as a Christian or aspiring Christian / 'Christianist' I don't recommend it.  It has incredibly exquisite descriptions of women that could make you brain-dead.  Yi Kwangsu also supposed Japan's occupation of Korea so that to this day talking about Yi Kwangsu can get you crucified.   I also seem to recall something like '_ _-ya, you got run over by a train you one-legged prostitute; now you have to love your husband even more.'  But I don't remember the context. Ironically or not 'The Soil' is the title of a Knut Hamsun novel the author of which supported Hitler; I do not.   I wonder where she is now. This person got shot at a lot and I regret adding to her burdens with my sin-eater-type confessions or just shooting my mouth off when stuff happened.  I had a crush on someone else and started saying I was sad I lost my virginity in college; IDK why I said anything. This person also had high alcohol-tolerance - extremely high for a female Asian - and although I could also drink a lot I always did bad self-destructive things. In the Middle Ages one form of 'trial by ordeal' was to reach your hand in to boiling water to pull out a pearl and if the boiled skin healed well you were exonerated or sth.   She must be 'somebody's everything; my impossible girl.'  IDK why she talked to me and I made fun of her and all my fictionalized versions of her and theories of her were derogations.   Like me she played the piano. She once said '_ _ is popular' which was a burn I appreciate since I'm anti-popularity and anti-personality-cults. She went to a school part of which is Victoria College where a literary critic I admire(d) taught for many years. I am stuck in America, hounded by Satan through the personages of my Maoist biological family and 'family tree' of America torn between past and future, un-death and life; due in large part to my excessive tendency to defend myself, to lash out, to wash my hands on the outside without cleaning my 'interior mentality' to paraphrase the 'Da Xue,' or to blaspheme the Spirit in some respects, I feel. I regret talking about her and at the same time why would I talk about lesser maidens? IDK what her favorite piano-piece was as I never endeavored to enage her in discourse about art or aesthetics given she is not a 'kisaeng' or 'geisha' and I am not a museum-curator or whatever.  Other people would be like 'Oh!  You lke the Grande Valse Brilliante; I know you spent the summer of 2003 teaching yourself repeat-notes.'   Everyone wants to drag everyone in to their mud or graves these days.  Am reminded of Endo Shusaku's 'Silence' about why Jesuits would apostasize in medieval Japan.  His conclusion was that the 'swamp of Japan' was too full of sensualism, the Portuguese Jesuit wanted a Japanese mistress or wife.  I once yelled 'swamp f-ggot' at someone due to their tendency to emotionalize and 'contextualize' everything which was an underhanded way of trying to make me change my sex as well.  In an effort to mitigate some of the tempting evil pornographic things I said about KR over the years I said a few more but this is a person, whose name means 'Pearl' as in 'the pearl of great price for which oe sold everything else.'  It is said that AAPI Twitter, America, house-slave Am-Kor own-goal Korean self-exploitation honor-killing squadsters, etc. want to these people in the trash. I found my Gideon Kor-Eng NT Psalms with the 'victory song' that sounds like Mandarin in its Revelation, that I had worried I'd lost.  That might be the 'most grateful' thing that 'happened.' I also remembered what my Mandarin name used to be though I had many in different classes I took. I was going to say many things, but in the end: the mystery of Charity.

*

I never considered the full implications of socialism or mental socialism till today.  I assumed that it was valid mitigation.  Some are born rich, some are born poor, it's wrong to let the latter starve on principle alone.   I don't even know how to say this.  I remember during the Iraq War being struck by how much the government - like my mom - was asking outsiders for advice about how to fight.  Dick Cheney got in trouble.  Years later I was skeptical of the F-35 because a lot of idiots with no skin in the game wanted to build it here or there. Wisconsin wanted to build the 'Littoral Combat Ship' which who cares. It made people worse and worse. The only thing is, the CCP - who ultimately serve I dare not even say whom, but clearly not the ghosts of Karl Marx or Vladimir Lenin or perhaps even Mao Zedong - figured out awesome killer ways to troll Republicans like Scott Walker w/ their 'FoxConn Fallujah hokey-pokey' whereby they got an avowed capitalist to promise socialists something that actually came from-post-hyper-anti-socialist hyper-capitalists with a plan to kill all white people or something. My father used to talk about the University of Chicago School of Economics all the time and it made me sulkily ask myself why 'Poor Dad' is talking so much about stuff that supposedly makes people billionaires while Jacob's English major dad is Bloomberg's 'chief of staff.'   I say again it's just like Biden saying all the right stuff, 'knee on the neck of the American soul, bone of our bone, winter of peril, hey dumbfuck, articulate, they're killing people.' Writing grant-proposals to the government to fund private research in to brain-injury that is itself applied by the government to veterans sent to get brain-damaged by a government that said good things and did retarded things based on their readings of the good things they said a bit like Karenin in 'Anna Karenina.'   I remember when George W. Bush said 'I'm the decider.'  I once told my dad to get out of my face so he got really sloshed up and vapored, 'I'm in your face!'  I'm not even saying that to defame someone but welcome to reality. Every so often every male seems to try to man up then they defend themselves like, 'No that is not the way in which I meant that I was manning up.'  You could call this 'self-draft-dodging.' It's ancient history but if I had been wiser I would have tried to predict the future for myself rather than visualize it as an abstract spectatorial notion.  At day's end mental socialists can literally not understand why it is wrong to steal.  Stealing is compulsory under socialism - I again come back to 'Pearl' since her ex-suitor and I used to reflect on how Korean collectivism drove people into themselves.  Similarly mental socialists cannot but hoard 'capabilities' so that in the end they'll falsify anything, steal anything; the only limit I guess is living with themselves.

I keep giving myself to fantasy and coping of all kinds like a 'mental Changrae Lee novel, mental David Guterson novel,' or ultimately Vergil (Virgil).  There has to be a new music, a new dream, something, a new city, though it is odd to think about pre-Christian times and a legend of what came before Rome in a Christian moment amid realignment in 'late Roman history.' My favorite YAL book still perhaps is 'The Giver' since it deals with the uses of history, with abortion, and with escape or exile.   I was going to say a while back something about 'Light in August' which relates to escape - as well to complacence - and to interracial relationships, pregnancy, the right to live.  I was in Minneapolis but mind was on Japan, on all these swords, not the Olympics but histories of swords and strange armor, halberds.  There was a huge sword called a 'field sword' in translation. I don't even want to see these people again; I sincerely pray the Japanese Prime Minister, the men and women of their armed forces, Tokyo's apparently amazing counter-terrorism and response capabilities for NBC / WMD / etc. attacks since the Aum Shinrikyo Sarin subway attacks and maybe their counter-nuclear or ability to respond after a nuclear blast will be enough.  People in America are trying to live by a little of the old, a little of the new, but it seems utterly impossible. When people abuse me I get really dreamy.  I read Virgil in high school; I was thinking of 'post-Covid YAL' or so in which people are just on the run, harrowing themselves, not even nostalgic for Babylon or anything in it.  It is almost like 'the meaning of the soul.'  I realized that in addition to new churches and new government laws Covid will engender new birth-defects and there will have to be new medicine.  Japan is a country that I said bad things about especially when in Korea but she never did anything bad to me - I remember playing 'Final Fantasy' and thinking someone out there loves me; they made an investment in children worldwide.  The only thing is I'm too old for such adventures and I fall apart quickly. All these birds in Japan, colors of red - people get obsessed with the Otherness of Japan and want to abnegate Belial-like (a demon or fallen angel of sensualism, to my understanding).  

I took so many notes and voice-notes yesterday that I devoutly hope my visions will pass to someone.  The future is going to be so beautiful for somebody but I have lost so much faith in my ability to mitigate or restrain evil.  Those who I had thought were simply stupid but were diabolically opposed to my existence - whom I did not wish to understand and whom I had 'fancied' I could placate or appease through offerings - turned out to be radically evil, unconditionally evil.  I feel that my father (biological) would steal my soul if he could; would eat it in a way.  My mom is always sitting on the porch and gives a look of hope like I could change her mind but it'll never happen.  I want to kill myself; I think things worldwide will get worse before they get better; I don't trust Biden or anyone who says the right things without showing exactly what they are doing.  Christians seem so petty sometimes like melanin, hairy legs, in Japan this therefore that, Native American Indian manhood rituals.   I just want to know which pastor has the 'batting average' I can believe in but it has to be John MacArthur doesn't it?  

[youtiaoshutiao]

gotd season 2 rambles

I finished GOTD two/three weeks back but then was immediately swamped with real life work after that. Finally had time over the weekend to pen down all the thoughts swirling around my head!! I was thinking about whether to make this post or not but no one I know irl has watched this and I kind of want to remember what I felt about the drama so well. Here goes nothing!!

[Though… 慎入！！Beware of entering, for I just finished writing this post and I’m boggled at how utterly long + incoherent + messy this post is]

- I was rather worried about how Jingyao would play into the whole picture marrying into 楚王府. But in the end I guess it wasn’t thaaaaat bad (minus uhm, her poisoning Li Chu to force Zhenzhu to leave.) I can deal with drama like external factors forcing my OTP apart but what I can’t deal with is if the OTP itself fractures apart. So (at least in my pov) even though the director did all that annoying slow-mo spinning around in circles thing with Jingyao, my intepretation of Li Chu’s 眼神 wasn’t one of 动心/暧昧 and instead was just concern/maintaining a distance so I guess I wasn’t that mad about it….???

- OTP~~ OTP!! Jing Tian is so beautiful with her hair down :3

- TBH i enjoyed watching Li Chu and Zhenzhu in the battlefield and all that pining and stuff but I found the way they ended up there kind of… contrived. Though what Jingyao says does have its element of truth, but really?!?! Poisoning?!?! Internal drama?! Couldn’t it have been a more… dramatic reason? Like maybe a political maneuvre making Zhenzhu realise that Li Chu will be ‘burdened’ with her around or smth, then maybe Jingyao coming in to stir the pot, then Zhenzhu making the choice to leave. I just felt that the whole poisoning thing was kind of loophole-y. If Moyan Chou can research and link it back to Jingyao, shouldn’t Li Chu be perfectly capable of doing so too? Yet in those two years he never suspected anything. Though maybe it could be explained by him being too blinded with anger and disappointment at Zhenzhu that he just focused on his princely work in those years rather than sparing any thought on his love life. And I’m not sure how this whole matter ended up being resolved? When Li Chu found out and confronted Zhenzhu about it, she was still all ‘I can’t return back to you because you might come to harm if I break the oath I swore’… But in the end they just kind of ignored it? (after confronting Jingyao). Hm or maybe I missed something hahaha.

- still the whole arc with them on the battlefield/her becoming the Empress of Yan was still quite entertaining hehe. Pining! Fraught looks! Tears! Angst! I must say that Mao Zi Jun was much better in S2 than S1. In S1 his acting just seemed to be glaring and sticking out his eyeballs hahaha. I guess his forte is in all the emotionally charged scenes… Though I still don’t really care for An Qingxu. Also Zhenzhu’s outfit in the Yan empire was quite pretty too :3

- On a really random note, lives if you are not a main character in this drama (though actually who am I kidding… you don’t escape from death being a main character here *coughing fit*) are so worthless. I swear there are people dropping dead like flies in every episode… TBH back in the Uyghur ‘you-killed-my-father-prepare-to-die’ arc of the first season, I kind of couldn’t deal with how so many of Li Chu’s men died along the way of Li Chu searching for Zhenzhu because Li Chu refused to rest/take a chill pill when weather conditions sucked.

- It’s really a pity that they had to resort to excessive greenscreen and body doubles in the last Uyghur arc because it was really quite obvious and kind of affected immersion in the story. I’m guessing Jing Tian couldn’t make it for that filming period? Or maybe they were rushing and had to be split up across filming groups. Like… it was quite jarring to have everyone else in the scene then bam! Switch over to Zhenzhu awkwardly greenscreened in. Or some scenes where it was obvious that Allen wasn’t even interacting with Jingtian but rather a body double.

- Moyan Chou x Li Chu. Ouchhhhhh (especially since cracks kind of appeared in their friendship with Li Chu marrying Dugu and Zhenzhu using Moyan Chou to get a divorce from Li Chu). I’m really impressed by Allen’s acting ;_; like of course he’s still kind of raw in places but like wow there’s a 灵气 to his acting and he is exceptional considering how it’s his second time playing male lead. Of a 92 episode drama, no less. In the scene where Moyan Chou and Li Chu drink together for the last time, his tears just kept on flowing non stop! Idk if anyone who reads this has the same experience of using the cliche phrase ‘他的眼泪像断了线的珍珠纷纷落下’ (his tears flowed down like a broken string of pearls) in chinese compositions in primary school but that’s the first thing that popped to my mind when I saw this scene hahaha.

- anyway, compared to this drama’s standard death bgm 荣耀, it was a nice touch to change it up to 为江山 which fit perfectly with the setting and nature of Moyan Chou’s death. It was pretty goosebump inducing when the music crashed over the speakers as he slumped down and the entire congregation of people at that intersection of stones (?!?!) began kneeling and wailing.

- again props to Jing Tian’s and Allen’s acting. Though Jing Tian wasn’t that consistent in all the crying scenes (though she has so many it’s kind of hard to be hahaha) but i really think they handled the growth and development of their characters quite well. The Zhenzhu and Li Chu you see at the end of s2 are tangibly different from them at the start. Even if they banter with each other, it’s very different in vibes from the early days - more measured and serious. And the change happened quite subtly? imo at least :3 

- personally felt the whole way the showdown with Empress Zhang took place was kind of… anticlimatic… but I guess that’s kind of how it went down in history hahaha oh wells.

- hints of how even though Li Chu became emperor, there’s still trouble looming in the distance with Li Fuguo still maintaining power etc. was kind of disturbed reading real history because the image of Daizong having to pander to eunuchs and all that kind of isn’t really aligned with the capable Li Chu we see in the drama (oh the woes of dramatisation of historical characters - i felt the same reading commentary about 14th prince back in the day after watching/reading bbjx) but i was thinking about it and i realised that i can kind of accept that! because there were quite a few scenes throughout the drama where Li Chu was lamenting about how he feels so helpless because he can’t do anything about the political situation/corruption/etc, how even though he has the acumen to perceive and see what all the parties are doing to procure power for themselves he cannot do anything about it. so taking this aspect of Li Chu into context - how he definitely is smart and capable, but that doesn’t mean he isn’t susceptible or is invincible given how the entire tang court is deeply mired in politics and power play, i guess it’s not that far of a stretch to link this Li Chu to the Daizong in history books (who wasn’t a baaad emperor too anyway)

- the whole Zhenzhu being 油尽灯枯 at the end was also kind of… random and a little contrived imho but given her life circumstances i guess it can be justified and is a logical way to end things, since they do ultimately have to adhere to the historical ending of Zhenzhu going missing and Daizong never electing an empress during his rule. (I have to say, my favourite arc in this entire drama was probably the 10+ eps of separation when the Anshi rebellion kicked in, because the conflict felt very real and organic and the stakes felt really high, so the senses of urgency/loss/anxiety/despair were really heightened.)

contrived as it may be to me, that didn’t stop me from feeling deeeeeep despair and sorrow through the last few eps ;_; him making longevity noodles for her; them being in the same space that holds so much meaning to both of them, the little wooden hut where she professed her love for him, yet both of them lost in their own separate thoughts; them weeping their own separate tears; him holding her as she takes an afternoon nap, knowing that this is probably one of the last times he can do so…

and his coronation ceremony/the day she leaves for good from his life. their last hug - he was the very definition of 依依不舍 ): Him walking down the aisle (HAHA is that what it’s called) of the Tang courts, dressed in stately regal emperor garb, the world is his yet he is so utterly alone. 所谓“高处不胜寒”! (haha though this line was not yet in existence during Tang)

and the ending was so poetic in all its tragedy and hit all my buttons hahaha. Him dressing as a cart driver to send her off for the last time → !!!, her stopping at 醉仙楼 and coming out of the carriage to take a look at the place where her and her Donglang first met → !!!!!! (I think this really got to me because I have a huge fondness for their entire first meeting haha. And this + how she hallucinated Dong Lang in that red outfit when she was semi-conscious to me kind of shows how ultimately she loves Dong Lang for who he is as an adult, and not because he is her 太湖公子 from her childhood, which is very important to me?!) And lastly Li Chu riding on his horse, surveying the mountains and landscape that Zhenzhu disappeared into, the 江山 that he owns… aka really ‘一人一马一江湖’, as the drama oh so helpfully foreshadowed for us in the first few episodes.

- Since I’ve mentioned 为江山, as I’ve said before, I really love the OSTs in the drama! But while previously the bigger ‘hits’ (in a sense) like 夙念 and 荣耀 were stuck in my head, these past two weeks, I can’t help but keep on replaying 素颜 and 唐韵 on loop. (though I still enjoy all the songs - except maybe the Jike Junyi one which is still not bad but just doesn’t get to me like all the other songs do… maybe because it was never played in any scene throughout the drama? (except the ending credits of s2. which I skipped everytime.) (speaking of which, s2′s opening theme song became 荣耀 but they didn’t correspondingly change the opening sequence which was so nicely timed to 为江山, which is also more regal and had more oomph more befitting of an opening track!! that was quite sad ):))

And especially for 素颜 (Unadorned Beauty), omgggg the lyrics nearly killed me when I sat down to properly read it at the end of the drama. It’s played twice in the drama - once in the beginning when Zhenzhu and Lin Zhi were sitting for the consort selection tests and once in the end when Zhenzhu leaves the palace (and Donglang) permanently for good. And omg the lyrics really fit perfectly?!?!

→ The verse/first part of the song: “你是春的使节 让残雪融解 / 染成青黛的天 等著细雨停歇 / 你素颜 裹着云烟 诗意了远方 湿润了心  / 闭上眼 姹紫嫣红都不觉甜 只为你的容颜” - basically just really beautiful lyrics about how you are the envoy of spring melting the remnants of snow and how your bare-faced/unadorned beauty bundled in mist lends poetic flavour to the distance and how all the beautiful flowers pale in comparison to your beauty blablabla. The first half of the chorus too: “豁然间 春光如练 / 渲染了 你的出现 / 最留恋 不是云巅 / 是千万里朝颜和暮雪” The whole song just describes Zhenzhu to me, and in these particular lyrics I think about Zhenzhu in the early episodes, fresh and dewy-faced, dressed in pale pinks and whites. I’m just imagining the verse + first chorus being Li Chu’s inner monologue about Zhenzhu and my heart feels all squishy kyaaaaaaaaa

→ The second half of the chorus: “梦回间 春光流泻 /  归去在 落花时节 / 待离别 青空绵绵 / 你会成山水间那一点 如烟” basically talking about how as time passes, she will leave when the flowers fall, and become a dot in the landscape like a wisp of smoke… how apt ;_; and okay here I’m just babbling nonsense but like all the terms like “青空” “山水” “如烟” really fits her costuming in the last few eps which had 水墨/ink wash painting vibes 

(↑ i’m probably overthinking this way too much ahaha)

[on another note, some other particular lines in some of the other songs that I just really liked (i have random feels for sentences that I think are really poetic. though it may only be me who thinks so hahaha)

为江山：“挥手时飞扬飘零的黄沙 蜿蜒于驰骋豪情的天下” and “铿锵的温柔 忠义的绵绸 此情动我幽幽” like all the juxtaposition between toughness and softness… (uhhh it made more sense in my head). this entire song is Li Chu’s life ;_;

唐韵：okay no I went to search up the lyrics again and I want to copy the entire thing over HAHA. I love how the lyrics, true to the setting of the drama and the name of the song (how do you translate 韵 properly? it’s such a nice word haha), incorporate elements of Tang inside it. “釉烧出 多色绚丽的斑斓” or “浸润出 三彩交融的璀璨” - mentions of pottery/sancai glaze that flourished during Early Tang. Or “昔繁华 已苍芜” - befitting the backdrop of the drama - Tang the flourishing golden dynasty at the precipice of its dwindling. And for some reason I just love phrases like “静谧千年的思念” and the whole of the second half of the chorus: “愿你记得 穿梭人浪中一瞥 / 临摹也不能复刻你容颜 / 墨浓映画眉 / 朱红落点唇 / 只盼伴来生共偎”

为你成全：my favourite line is “锦绣长安夜 / 似昙花惊艳”!! 

i think i just really like imagery in lyrics hahaha. i like 荣耀’s lyrics a lot too. in comparison i actually think the lyrics of 夙念 and some parts of 为你成全 are pretty standard drama ost fare… though they still serve their purpose well in inducing appropriate feels in various scenes.

–

This series of bloopers/original voice clips released by one of the production companies attached to this show is like a soothing balm to an injured heart after watching the ending. And the last video in this series - aww the entire team really put in so much effort to film this show, and it shows in the acting, the props, the sets, the costuming, the music (excluding awkward greenscreen and s2 editing). ANDDD watch from 13:52 onwards!!! A small Easter egg - Allen’s original soft soft voice going “珍珠，你总算回来了……” welp I’m gone

s2 was ultimately a lot weaker in many aspects than s1, and tbh the entire plot of GOTD is riddled with well trodden tropes. But I still have so much fondness and love and feels for this 92 episode drama I mainlined in three weeks (and then promptly regretted because real life came cascading down on me soon after that) :3 It’s definitely an engaging drama that had quite a lot of effort put into its making, and with it’s length there’s something for everyone - (1) an otp that will make you squee (2) endless angst, tears and misery (3) palace politics that are relatively quite complex for it’s 古言 status (4) some harem-esque drama for 后宫戏 fans (5) battle scenes, war tearing apart otp bringing about more angst… et cetera. Considering how I quit dramas at a drop of a hat, I’m pretty impressed that I managed to complete this haha xD

shall end off with a short 花痴楼！

《帅帅的殿下SHOWTIME!》

虽然在跟别的女人转圈圈但仍非常帅气的殿下！

微醺醺的新郎装殿下！

睹物思人的殿下！

穿上盔甲，眼带杀气的殿下！

闭着眼，姹紫嫣红都不觉甜的殿下！

超级无敌苏的殿下！

化身为大厨的殿下！

I wanted to take more screenshots but I shall just end here, because I scrolled up and got a huge shock seeing exactly just how much babble I spouted. I’m kind of horrified?! Omg anyone who reads this to the end, I’m sorry for all my incoherent rambling :3

[led123123]

https://youtu.be/EnFM5dxFIm8?t=207

https://youtu.be/HuBSRYBLbTA?t=17

damn..

https://youtu.be/qpH4djIQR70

lol. 3080 is 10GB.. and 3060 12GB

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1teFykf1tLn_F1apvtCkKykjjbyMNo3rG/view?usp=sharing

I found lots of crafting materials

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1W9Z7XME_DXc5WQYynASLOK4qaioaEdSH/view?usp=sharing

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1AqYPmn_d67AqTNYRutLV0fw4FTFMWnaL/view?usp=sharing

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1teFykf1tLn_F1apvtCkKykjjbyMNo3rG/view?usp=sharing

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1NHvmm416SuYH1h7TerqSTmos_FcIZjIg/view?usp=sharing

I like darker circles around eyes

people tell me that I have them too

asdf

what do you think. are they genetic.. or.. they’re because of.. like.. I heard people say that they’re because.. stuff like.. looking at screen for a lot of time

https://www.skinceuticals.co.uk/en_GB/what-causes-dark-circles-under-the-eyes.html

“ Dark circles, also known as periorbital hyperpigmentation, are a commonly encountered condition best described as the darkening of skin pigmentation around the eyes. Whilst dark circles are not usually caused by an underlying medical condition, many people think they make them look tired, sad or older than they are, and therefore can affect their emotional well-being and quality of life1. Let’s take a look at what causes darkness around the eyes. “

“ The darkening of the pigment underneath the eyes can be caused by a number of environmental and biological factors. The reason for an individual’s dark circles may be that excessive pigmentation is simply genetic or hereditary. Other factors which may cause dark circles include allergies, skin laxity, and deep tear troughs, sometimes referred to as tear trough depression. “

“What environmental and lifestyle factors can cause dark circles?Lifestyle and environmental factors are also reasons for dark circles under the eyes2:    A lack of sleep can cause skin to become dull and pale, which allows for dark tissues and blood vessels beneath the skin to show. As well as a result of extreme fatigue – or even just staying up a few hours past bedtime – dark circles can be caused by oversleeping3“

“Ultraviolet (UV) radiation exposure can cause the body to produce an excess of melanin, causing pigmentation around the eyes resulting in darkening of this area”

but if that was the case.. then.. why all my skin on my face woudln’t be the same..

“ Dark circles are certainly considered to have a genetic basis. Some people are more likely than others to have excessive pigmentation, melanin deposition, or low levels of collagen in the area under the eyes - all of which contribute to the appearance of dark circles7,8. Although hereditary genetics can ensure one individual is more susceptible to dark circles than another, it is also recognised that stress, ageing and a lack of rest can cause pigmentary change. “

people in india also have darker skin around eyes

https://youtu.be/aIEuhYx-p6g

this girl also has circles

she has arabic accent

god.. so little sun now.. like.. I woke up at 2pm.. and at 4 pm it’s.. already dark

lol.. I bought.. one ryzen cpu.. like.. more than a year ago.. and now it costs 50% more than before..

but there’s been a 2nd version of this cpu.. in more compact architecture and better performance.

I’m wearing shorts even now when it’s almost winter.. but.. like.. it’s not that cold..

it used to be colder.. I’m not wearing full pants because.. I don’t want to get swamp ass

https://youtu.be/P2lG3CkULyw

I just checked.. how much old cpus cost.. damn.. everything is expensive as hell. all the old cpus.. so expensive

nothing gets any cheaper

lol when I was buying this cpu.. it was a lot cheaper.

and it was new

now people sell used ones.. I think without cooler also.. for 50% more

I may just auction it.. because.. I need to.. find a buyer now when the prices are high

I need to sell all of it..

I just need to pack it.. and.. check how to use printer.. to print the sticker..

and learn how to order shipping properly.. like.. I know how it works.. more now.. that if I put it on the locker then it costs less

trash hoes

stupid hoes

trash

I cannot see shit it’s so dark at 3 pm

I cannot see where this printer has power on button

it’s too dark

and this trash is gonna start screaming in few seconds stupid hoe

they are quiet.. when I’m not alone.. but when I’m alone she goes ape

https://youtu.be/mdB3Oyd5HtU

https://youtu.be/mdB3Oyd5HtU?t=49

I can auction it.. so.. like.. then I know.. when it’s gonna end..

it’s easier then

easier than checking notifications every day..

some new sauce for pasta..

cheese.. cream, butter, some herbs

I can use.. like.. cream to thicken instead of flour.. this time..

https://cookfasteatwell.com/easy-pasta-sauce-recipe/

https://youtu.be/XS4zojyuzvI

https://youtu.be/XS4zojyuzvI?t=213

I need to get tomatoes in cans

they’re not that expensive

400g each can.. so.. I need like.. 6 cans at least

I like tomatoes

https://youtu.be/XS4zojyuzvI?t=423

careful now

https://youtu.be/05Byne839Pg

https://youtu.be/OH0n_Ew2YDM

https://youtu.be/RWgTveWAzMA?t=79

https://youtu.be/y463g76MFRw

https://youtu.be/q3S8TT56CEc?t=164

I can only fit one tray in my oven. I mean.. I can bake like.. 1 at a time

I had a plan.. to bake.. them.. like.. I need this.. condensed.. milk or caramel..

and then I would put them in chocolate

or I can just.. like.. I don’t know.. chop chocolate.. as use it as chocolate chips

and puffed rice is also really good

I’m not that hungry but I would eat some sweet stuff

but I need like.. caramel and.. like puffed rice

puffed rice and chocolate would be also good

I can just make a cake..

and add preserves inside

but I also want to eat tomato sauce

don’t go crazy with salt. because cheese already has salt

I would also eat some potatoes. because they’re really good

https://youtu.be/WIKqgE4BwAY

cotoreito

they look like these.. and sound like these.. nico girl

https://youtu.be/pBd90XZ6UYg

https://youtu.be/SkgTxQm9DWM

https://drive.google.com/file/d/16Lz9JQnrVA9fh8RvFpzFuffsz4RAIFZn/view?usp=sharing

I think really big downside of this hard drive.. is that it cannot be turned down ever.. it doesn’t ever turn off

there was some song that went.. something something.. 24/7

or something like that

https://youtu.be/uRH7vEqqmFU

https://youtu.be/uRH7vEqqmFU?t=100

I had username 247

something like that.. but I don’t know

this song was different

https://youtu.be/DLRT5tgH6IA?t=56

ja woll. xD

lol if I were to play dota now.. then I use use username like.. “boost” or something. xD

https://youtu.be/DLRT5tgH6IA?t=131

https://youtu.be/DLRT5tgH6IA?t=882

that’s lisa’s voice..

https://youtu.be/DLRT5tgH6IA?t=994

I would probably go wr.. if I were to get back..

I had 80% on wr.. but I lost.. some games.. so now it’s 60+

https://youtu.be/dDHOe6oRir0?t=18

is this electric stove waterproof??

omg.. don’t tell me I have to wake up early tomorrow..

maybe that’s a gas stove..

https://youtu.be/dDHOe6oRir0?t=337

omg. the green apples..

https://youtu.be/dDHOe6oRir0?t=376

popcorn.. I wanted to get popcorn

https://youtu.be/dDHOe6oRir0?t=542

is that her natural hair color?

because her hair look healthy.. not split.. so it doesn’t look like she’d dye her hair

she has really good lighting and her hair look really good in this lighting

her hair remind me of australian model

that I saw on tv

this australian girl.. removed.. all her videos etc.. she’s.. like.. she got married.. and.. maybe she got pregnant..

like.. instagram.. she removed instagram I think.. idk. like..

I wanted to check how her hair look like

lol.. typical australian.. she looks like jess who is also from australia.

I saw her picture.. where she holds a lot of chocolate and makes crying expression that’s why I laughed

like a crying baby holding a lot of chocolate

you know these movie scenes.. I mean.. you know.. if you just.. like.. like in a video.. she said. “if I get stressed I eat”

sydney. that’s australia

I just wanted to check if

that’s a good sauce for pasta.. the one that I was telling you about..

of course.. I mix flour with water first.. and temper it.. before pouring in

https://youtu.be/uTZFwLOoS1U

I’m trying the more red apples from all of the apples.. these ones are less sour

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uTZFwLOoS1U&lc=UgitjyIJqR5s53gCoAEC

wow her name is similar to this australian

I know that she’s from italy and they make.. tomato sauce there.. she’s good at cooking.

you know. italian cuisine

https://youtu.be/kRaV8w2KK_U

https://youtu.be/E4TygUpWUTQ?t=87

https://youtu.be/E4TygUpWUTQ?t=103

https://youtu.be/E4TygUpWUTQ?t=214

https://youtu.be/E4TygUpWUTQ?t=222

they also have good lighting

https://youtu .be/GdCXwWjzeRg?t=66

https://youtu .be/aXrwjLahUdw?t=8

https://youtu.be/ssR60a7LC1E?t=99

this one dude looks like albralelie

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC4pkrqOT0hAhS0yQkJ-jKfQ/videos

https://youtu.be/GkwMJltwVmg?t=1

lol. falling..

https://youtu.be/GkwMJltwVmg?t=26

look where their car landed

https://youtu.be/GkwMJltwVmg?t=44

everyone is falling..

https://youtu.be/GkwMJltwVmg?t=76

yamete

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1teFykf1tLn_F1apvtCkKykjjbyMNo3rG/view?usp=sharing

4:30

https://youtu.be/GkwMJltwVmg?t=179

I fell here

https://youtu.be/GkwMJltwVmg?t=271

he obtained this technique

https://youtu.be/GkwMJltwVmg?t=324

https://youtu.be/GkwMJltwVmg?t=436

retards

https://youtu.be/GkwMJltwVmg?t=481

they jump out..

https://youtu.be/GkwMJltwVmg?t=488

lol that’s like these small bumping cars at an amusement park

https://youtu.be/GkwMJltwVmg?t=506

if don’t jump out.. they didn’t know that.. if you don’t jump then it shoots you into air

https://youtu.be/SFrOAObkwac?t=155

they really play with gold armor and syringes

https://youtu.be/SFrOAObkwac?t=186

lol dome

https://youtu.be/-bIyMCutpxQ?t=252

lol med kits

https://youtu.be/-bIyMCutpxQ?t=275

these windows are good for shooting inside

https://youtu.be/ekKLcHB_TI8?t=58

now all the horizon spells make sense

https://youtu.be/ekKLcHB_TI8?t=516

lol.. my username. I wanted that username

https://youtu.be/DpDYCsA7obo?t=219

oh shit

https://youtu.be/DpDYCsA7obo?t=479

https://youtu.be/AYp8m95hLN8?t=506

why is it not processing my video to 1080p..

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1teFykf1tLn_F1apvtCkKykjjbyMNo3rG/view?usp=sharing

I need to see how it would look in 720p. better than converting 768 to 720p for sure

but there’s gonna be 2 conversions on 1080p monitor..

converting to 720p and back..

https://drive.google.com/uc?id=1k0Z2KGvzZPgBTZaHj0ofDHE_szj4X3V6&export=download

ok.. I guess it’s not converting because video is longer than other videos

or takes more space

https://youtu.be/SqXUG3ZYD7U?t=272

https://images.app.goo.gl/DgVfuB4aGPZkB1FG7

на уровне

oh.. damn.. I get it now.. shit.. she got married.. so she changed her last name..

wow. sydney building

“in australia everything is upside down so I have to turn camera upside down”

she has different hair color.. she was blonde before

now she has dark brown

she talks like jess. they’re both from australia

now she has very dark brown hair

her hair look like jess’s hair too

https://youtu.be/hrzY4WBpysM

wow she likes.. she’s obsessed with alice madness returns

ok.. so now the shannon the food critic video makes sense.. because she gained weight

kinda. if you think of it

wow she has obsession with alice.

damn her hair look so pretty

there was one more girl.. who was making me think about.. some one girl

oh.. I actually somewhat remember her username.. I actually know her username

they both have same first name

jesus christ.. not taking just one sleep.. caused me to feel.. really messed up

I wasn’t sure if I would find her.. but I found her.. she had a bit different username.. than I though

omg one girl has really good microphone

so clear voice

so many people follow her

https://www.twitch.tv/videos/434077699?t=0h0m22s

lol coaching was cool lol

coaching was such a meme

in my games at least.. when I heard some dudes in my games.. talking shit.. and I didn’t even know who is talking xD

and you know.. this thing at the end.. when you rate the coach.. so we won game.. but I didn’t know that I was being coached.. and this dude got mad at me that I gave him bad rating..

https://www.twitch.tv/videos/434077699?t=0h3m14s

stray would never get these items on batrider any any hero

but he’s always playing mid.. or jungle

https://www.twitch.tv/videos/314473491?t=0h0m21s

lil feed.

[mitchcantfigureitout]

Things have to fall apart before they can fall into place.

Look, I complain a lot...I feel intensely and I think so much. As if this fucking pandemic wasn’t enough, my dad has a tumor in his brain. 4.5x5x5 cm. This year my dad lost his two jobs, fell into a depression, sold his truck and developed a tumor. Could 2020 get any better? I can’t see him in person thanks to fucking Covid 19. I can’t visit him. I can only facetime him and call him. This is absolutely the worst.

 In the middle of my finals, I cannot concentrate. I can’t help while he is at the hospital. I feel so helpless. I feel useless. I don’t know anything about tumors, let alone cancer. I just want him to be healthy and back at home with me and my mom. I can’t imagine a world where either my parents don’t exist. It doesn’t make sense to me. I’m so agitated. I don’t have any appetite, I don’t have a lot of motivation. Before this, I literately wanted to just no exist for a while and now ...

My mom is in critical conditions also. She can’t see clearly. All I want is to make my parents happy. They mean the world to me. She’s diabetic, high cholesterol and high blood pressure and he’s only ever gotten colds and now a tumor? a fucking tumor. that has been growing for who knows how long and for what reason? he works nonstop and doesn’t take any days off. He’s nice to other people and considerate. Has the biggest smile and heart and gets on my nerves sometimes but nonetheless he’s been present in all of my life. 

Mom, too, has dragged us all out of the dirt. Been our rock while she’s crumbling herself. I feel so helpless. I wish I could cure their diseases. They don’t deserve it. They deserve better. I’ve been selfish in life but they always bring me around. Mom especially, she’s always been realistic and dad has always been hopeful and now he’s scared and mom is anxious and I’m depressed. 

I’ve contacted the people that make me feel the most safe -

Sophia, Philip, Rosie, Jannet (Daniel’s mom), Alex and Michael, and I wish I could tell Daniel but he’s away at basic and about to graduate and I miss the fuck out of all these people and can’t see them or MY DAD because of this fucking pandemic. We don’t even have covid and it is still affecting us. I just don’t get it.

We told some family members  - my Madrinas Chayo and Marissa, my tio Guillo and Carmen, Esperanza and Lourdes.  Family we can trust.

I keep telling myself that tomorrow will be another day, and that’s been helpful but now more than ever, I need to be strong and balanced and to be in control of my emotions. I want to get so angry and let the frustration out but I don’t even know where to begin. My deep concern and anxiety don’t let me sleep. 

We had an earthquake last night - 3.3 magnitude another one of like 2ish something aftershock around 2;40ish pm today (Saturday May 3rd). Too many things occuring at the same time and it is frankly so hard to keep track. 

I called After Hours Caps today and the lady who talked to me told me to journal and to take it one portion/moment at a time. Which is sooo hard for me. I’ve always been so bad with changes and this change is such a big one. I’ve never imagined my dad sick and this is such a hard challenge on me and my mom. 

Looking back at my dad, his head has been hurting for i don’t remember how long. He would take pills and it would kind of go away but it never left. His car accident was April 16, 2019, one year ago and his case just closed and he lost his other car and idk things just keep happening and yeah, I get it - everything happens for a reason but why??? I need answers. I-I- hate all of this. I hate that my mom is sick and has to continue to work so she can have her medical bills paid for. I hate that my dad lost his truck and hasn’t been able to buy a new car when he deserves it. I hate that I haven’t been able to help them. I hate that they argue about little things and that it makes me anxious and that I even have anxiety in the first place. I hate that I don’t have a regular therapist I can talk to. I hate having burdens or being a burden to others. 

I just want to walk up from this horrible nightmare that my mom and I are living. I understand not everything in life is picture perfect but I can’t remember the last time I felt happiness for a long time. I can’t find that emotion in me. I don’t know if it’s this stupid bar inside my arm that keeps my hormones all stupid or if its the depression that I experience or what. I’m supposed to have a plan for what I want to do when I can’t even get through finals in this week? 

Everything happens for a reason? well, what the absolute fuck. I just want to wake up from this nightmare that I am living. To happier days. To better days where none of this is occuring. I miss being happy and looking at my parents also having a good time. I don’t want those memories to end. This is so fucking hard. I can’t even hug my friends and have them tell me everything is going to be alright. How can people go through this? Like this experience sucks ass. I don’t take any pleasure from any of this. It’s hard to look on the bright side when it keeps gets fogged by our reality. I am not okay. My mom is not okay. My dad is definitely not okay. And yet, everything is going to be okay? What. the. fuck?! 

I feel guilty, anxious, mad, sad, helpless, and even stupid. Like I should know better or something like that? Like this is all my fault somehow? I know its not but its easy to take the blame. I just want to point fingers to feel something. What. the absolute fuck.