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simplespacedust · 4 months

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hey so i'm gonna talk about pro-shippers because i feel like none of you have critical thinking skills.

please, if you are going to read this, read to the end because there are multiple parts to my argument.

SOMETHING IMPORTANT: i don't think it is okay to doxx, harass, or send death threats to people on the internet! if you send death threats to people, you are awful! if you go out of your way to harass people when they tell you to leave them alone, you are awful! if someone says something you don't like, talk with them like a normal fucking person jesus christ! if you repeatedly harass a pro-shipper, you are not helping them get any better!

firstly, in terms of "problematic" stuff in mainstream media, most component people can recognize when a piece of media is commenting on something with the use of a relationship/something problematic as a metaphor. just because something exists on-screen doesn't necessarily mean the message of the media endorses it. this is why you never (hopefully) see anyone getting upset about murder in movies. the piece of media is not saying murder is good. it is using it to make a commentary/characterize someone/etc.

now that we have set that precedent, we can move on to pro-shipping in fandom spaces. pro-shipping in fandom spaces if often fundamentally different between than the more general category of just "relationships in media." in fandom spaces, the tendency when creating art, writing fics, posting headcannons, etc. is for the purpose of personal/audience enjoyment. this is why pro-shipping is more often problematic within fandoms. if a person did want to create/add to problematic ships for a purpose other than getting off to it, that would be a different story! thats fine!

unfortunately, however, many pro-shippers do not proship for the literary merit/symbolism/characterization etc. many of them do it because they find the idea of parent-child or sibling-sibling relationships attractive. this is where the problem is. they symbol itself is not the problem, its the message/purpose of the work/art/headcannon itself.

i hear a lot of people talking about how pro-shipping is often a coping mechanism for dealing with trauma a person has experienced. my response to that? KEEP IT TO YOURSELF AND GO TO THERAPY!!!! if you are having to resort to jacking off to fictional incest to cope, then clearly you need the help of a professional to work through your issues! if you cannot for whatever reason, still keep it to yourself!

it is well understood that people are influenced by the opinions of people around them/what they see and interact with. putting out bullshit on the internet that portrays problematic relationships as desirable can one, create a pedophile safe space, and two, unintentionally (or maybe even intentionally!) expose children to these types of relationships and make it seem normal in their brains, which could cause them to not speak up about it if something bad does actually happen to them! even if a person shouldn't be in a space, they are! it doesn't harm you to not post the porn you wrote of that one kid and his dad from south park. and that only talks about adult only spaces, i have seen a shit ton of pro-shippers on tiktok, a platform marketed towards minors.

ANOTHER SIDE NOTE (i have a lot to say and am terrible at organizing my thoughts srry) is that a lot of times pro-shippers infiltrate general fandom hashtags. a child who is scrolling though a bluey hashtag on tiktok should not have any risk of running into someone on the internet describing how bluey's dad would r4p3 her!

you may think that because you are only talking about fictional characters and "its a coping mechanism" its okay, but it is most certainly not! not all coping mechanisms are healthy and what you post on the internet most CERTAINLY has a real effect on people. this is basic media literacy and critical thinking, guys. stop posting child/sibling smut headcannons on the internet! it is absolutely vile!

with all of that being said, (i said this at the beginning but i am going to say it again) i still dont think it is okay to doxx, harass, or send death threats to people on the internet! if you send death threats to people, you are awful! if you go out of your way to harass people when they tell you to leave them alone, you are awful! if someone says something you dont like, talk with them like a normal fucking person jesus christ! if you repeatedly harass a pro-shipper, you are not helping them get any better!

(im gonna put a bunch of proshipper hashtags at the bottom of this to reach the targeted demographic, i am NOT a proshipper, i am NOT an "anti anti" and i do NOT believe proshippers are valid, again, this is just for reach just to be clear)

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limelocked · 3 years

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Nothing is better than reading about an artist's thought process so here's a free ticket to explain the symbolismor imagery you've put into one of your drawings and no one pointed out!

jesus christ okay so i dont post a lot of my art anymore, its usually hidden in ye ol friend discord server but a while ago i made these three drawings of freja loke and oden that fell under the radar as expected even though they were some of my most polished pieces in a LONG time (other than the syllvia painting which i believe i wrote about in a read more)

so heres the thing... i suck as visual symbolism, all my symbolism and allegory? straight to the writing, drawings are all straight up and down you see what you get and id love to talk about the tiny shit in A Knotted Embroidery Thread but im two chapters away from even publishing it so Pain yknow

anyways back to the drawings:

the freja drawing was the first one i did and the premise was simply to draw her in like Casual Clothed aka what i could find in swedish general clothing stores however comma heres some of the details; 1: people usually draw freja as blond which is bullshit and i made her dark brunette because i wanted her to embody the beauty of many people and even in sweden having very light hair in adulthood naturally isnt very common. 2: the most beautiful clothing item i know are hijabs however im aware enough to understand that it would be insensative to put a vana in a muslim headscarf so i went looking at russian headscarves and found a lot of interesting shit. 3: the background, though abstract, is a sunset behind snow. due to the phallic symbolism of midsummer and freja and frej being twin gods of fertility i personally believe that freja is the embodiment of wintertime fertility what with the amount of babies that will soon be born (re: midsummer traditions) and spring returning

the loke one i did second and it has just So Little Symbolism its great. most people would draw him as a dark haired green eyed shifty little bitch but i gave him the rat blond trash hair of your most common swede not yet brunette and dark blue eyes, my dude is exhausted and tired of being accused of shit, comfy as hell clothes because he fucking deserves it post snake venom all in his eyes for eons

the oden one im most proud of because it looks Ominous which is the way i feel about oden, i dont trust that motherfucker At All. I worked very hard with that piece to where he looked like a friendly grandpa that has all the hot gossip but also will take all your secrets and blackmail you if youre not careful, do not give him your real name. Hugin and munin are in that art and my greatest joy with them is that they show opposite eyes, they are odens eyes and thus they share a left ad right eye of the same icey fucking unshaded color with their master. i cannot express how little i trust oden

#i was gonna draw hel in that series too sadge #but yeah like all my symbolism goes into my writing where i cant actually Show what i want #like when i draw ill draw how i want it to look and feel #cant do that with words #i think my favourite of my recent writings is how the narrative of a dissociative person who is having an identity crisis just #the narration breaks down #the narration starts having major trouble refering to the character and thats my greatest feat i can remember rn #eats this ask i love it

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lovethyqueers · 4 years

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hello marin, im very sorry to put this on you but in my memory you've always shown incredible wisdom and so much wonderful healing faith and i firmly believe that God is with you, my dear, which is why i'm approaching you right now. short story short i have suddenly found myself the proud re-owner of some extremely intense internalized homophobia and doubt and its not my favourite feeling in the world so i was wondering if you could spare some. idk. affirmation? comfort? prayer? just Something.

Oh, sweetheart, of course. I definitely have been dealing with a lot of that myself lately and it is no fun. Especially after realizing that I am a lesbian. It’s been difficult.

Let’s start with some scripture that I find reassuring during this kind of time (I wish I had my Bible with me because I have lots of comforting verses marked and written down in there, but I left it where I was staying for college, but no matter. I just can’t think of all the verses I’d like to share right off the bat):

Romans 8:28 38 For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, 39 nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord. *ESV*

Psalm 23 The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want. 2 He makes me lie down in green pastures. He leads me beside still waters. 3 He restores my soul. He leads me in paths of righteousness for his name's sake.

4 Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.

5 You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; you anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. 6 Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life, and I shall dwell in the house of the Lord forever. *ESV*

Here’s a post I wrote about dealing with pain & turmoil as a Christian.

And possibly more helpful, here is an ask I answered about Side A theology and why I believe it. It might help with some of the doubts/internalized homophobia you’re feeling.

Last resource and I promise I’ll get the meat of this answer: Hoperemainsonline. One of my favourite resources for LGBTQ+ Christians.

Doubt is a scary thing. Internalized homophobia is a... suffocating thing. It’s all this dark self-hatred that’s so nasty and vile. it makes you miserable.

I don’t believe God condones any kind of hate and I don’t think He wants us to hate ourselves. He wants us to feel His infinite love. But. Flawed, humans, we are- we lose sight of it. We hone in on negatives. And the hate we’ve been taught, it spills into our hearts. And if we don’t turn it outward? it’s easy to turn it inward. Which is just as harmful.

God loves us. God doesn’t love us any less if we’re gay, trans, bi, ace- no. God loves in a way that surpasses our understanding. He loves us no matter what.

I was taught that God can love you less for being gay. I believe you might have heard similar things in your life. But those things are simply not true. Where does this God, who sent his son Jesus to die for us, the one who says He is not willing for any to perish-- how can we say our God’s love cannot extend towards the people Christians have decided they find unlovable. Shame on them. Shame on the Christians who lead us to believe we’re loved any less for who we are.

You’re loved so much. You’re His child and even in the midst of this fear, this internalized homophobia, and this doubt- He is holding you, still. He loves you.

I will be praying for you, okay? This too shall pass. <3

#I hope this is helpful in the slightest.#spectralheartt #Marin Answers

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lifewithlizzi-blog · 7 years

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the ultimate BFF

Lately Ive been discovering quite a few things about myself I never knew, which has been good and bad. good in a sense I know my weaknesses and bad in a sense that I am not where I thought I was, Im not as faultless as I thought I was and most importantly not as strong.

Going onto the next “stages of life” AKA college has been something I've been looking forward to for a while because of new freedoms and life experiences, but little did I know..I am not ready, I'm not stable and I am not full of confidence. not anymore at least.....not like I was when I had the idea in my head last year.

As we all know when we get older expenses start play into life slowly, when most of us think of expenses we think of money, but I'm thinking about a lot more than just that. What’s the expense of happiness when were out there, the expense of motivation and lets not forget the expense of friends who will turn into family once we get down there into the “best years of our lives”, so they say. when you think of expenses you think of something bad, but these expenses are not bad, they teach you life lessons, make you happy, and keep you standing up right...if you use and work for them the right way.....if you don't these expenses are a great burden on life itself.

What I've started to notice about myself is over the past couple years I have started to seclude myself to a small group of people, who I love deeply and spend lots of time with. Which is not bad, actually this is what we all want... right? We ALL want to find those people who love you for who you are, who you can pick up at 2 am just to go get ice cream, who you can ride in the car with the top down across the country, cuddle with, laugh and cry with. Who we can put all our happiness into. Because with these people in our lives we don't feel like we have to worry about the expenses of life, the expense of motivation or happiness because with these people you are happy and with these people in your life you are motivated. But what happens if something happened to them, what if all the sudden they were gone. That means your happiness and motivation is gone as well, right?

That’s what Ive been working on for quite a while now. How do I find someone who will always be there, who will never leave me. who I can put my happiness into, my motivation, my love, comfort and safety. The answer is no one. Nobody here on this earth can do that for you, but the lord himself.

It has taken me a LONGGGG time to finally figure this out and to be quite honest now that I know this I still have trouble putting this into play. Think about it You cannot see this “friend” who holds your happiness, love, comfort and safety, you just have to trust that he is there. A good friend of mine always reminds me to “GIVE THE BIG GUY A CHANCE” we talk about 3 times a week, and I have never been able to talk to someone who has talked about the lord as if he is right next to me and Im too stupid to see him. I didn't understand at first, but know I'm starting to understand that We got to treat the lord as if he is a friend of ours if were going to use him as our new bff. Because this lord is the ULTIMATE bff, who we can all have, which is such a wonderful thing, he is above us all and is willing to be caring, honest, loving, and provide us with more than what we could even imagine. the lord knows us more than we know ourselves ( a GREAT quality a best friend should have ).

One verse I have read today is right below!!!

“I go east, but he is not there. I go west, but I cannot find him. I do not see him in the north, for he is hidden. I look to the south, but he is concealed. But he knows where I am going” (Job 23:8-10a NLT, second edition).

now that we know Jesus is the ultimate BFF we want to spend time with him and soon we find ourselves thinking “ I can't “ and then we are told that you can spend time with god by worshiping and so we sing, we sing for Jesus because thats what we think worship is But it is not. The most common mistake Christians make in worship today is seeking an experience rather than seeking God. They look for a feeling, and if it happens, we conclude that we have worshipped. when we see those people who are on their knees during a worship song at church or even a Wednesday night youth we think they are worshiping god and they are worshiping better than us, therefore they have a better relationship with god than we do. That, that is wrong. Worshiping is when you speak out for god, when someone tells you, you are Wrong for believing in jesus because “he is not real”. Worshiping is acting as jesus would in daily life. Worshiping is leading others to christ. We all commonly mistaken worship. You can say thank you to god at church or youth by going down at your knees and talking to him during a “powerful moment” but that is not worship. That is giving thanks to the king of kings in a setting where it is most desirable.

Sometimes I wish that I could be right by his side and ask him all these questions to ease my troubles......just as a friend would, but sadly I cannot because he is up above us and I cannot see him, so I pray instead. I can ask questions through prayer, I can ask in anger, in sadness and in happiness. But that doesn't mean he will reply right away because he cannot, he will show up in life later on....at the right time. which is one of the many reasons why Jesus is so much different and is capable to do so much more than a friend could here on earth he knows whats right and whats to come and will not directly tell us to our faces what to do like a human would. that way we learn what we need to learn through the process so when we want something we don't just get it right away, we lead others to him along the journey to where or what we are praying about. we are worshiping him while we are in troubled times and while our minds are cluttered with questions, you gotta give a little something to get a little something back. its a two way thing. Jesus is the ultimate bff and we are not. but with him by our side we don't need to worry about that, maybe he’ll rub off on us and flip the whole world right side up.

after reading what I just wrote, while sitting in bed I have come to realize that I have taught myself more than anyone else will from this Tumblr post. And I think that is the spirit itself helping me get through these troubled times, giving me a way to grow more than I could imagine and letting me see my progress. One thing I am going to work on for the next week is find peace in the lord and not others. I will do this by talking to god MORE about my worries than I do with others.

until next time, cya

- xoxox lizzi

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ecotone99 · 5 years

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[MF] Sunday Scaries

The conversation formatting doesnt hold on reddit copy paste, so its much better read thru link

Linking at Top to not spoil the end - hope thats OK!

https://www.casualblasphemy.com/blog/sundayscaries

------------------------------------------

Jesus Christ and Other Swear words

Volume II: Anxiety Rainbow

A Slower Burn to Fiery Finish. About 10-15 minutes

Chapter 2, 3 or 7, not sure yet.

Chapter III: Sunday Night Scream Into the Void

I lie (awake) to myself

A feeling of impending doom. So many emails. Existential dread and the Sunday Scaries.

I cannot sleep, it is nearly midnight. I have so much to do this week.

I lie awake and try to think of all the embarrassing things other people have done.

I can't think of any, so I go back to remembering my own social failings.

The time I tripped in front of my Crush age 14. My disastrous bangs of just last year. The time I mispronounced Worcheschertshishire in front of my cute coworker. The 23 blocks I walked with toilet paper stuck to my foot and that afternoon tanning in the park with a tampon string dangling from my bikini bottoms. Everyone remembers. I am sure of it. I farted once on a conference call.

Monday is only a few hours away. So many emails and the dishes sit soaking for a third day. I shouldn't have slept in today. I have so much to do tomorrow. I think about every time i've fucked up in my past 30 years.

My anxiety builds and I try again to refocus my attention. I try to remember all the embarrassing things other people have done, but I literally cannot think of any. I sort of remember one of my friends shitting his pants. Was that the day I walked into the sliding glass door. Do you think he remembers? Oh god, was it me that poped my pants? Oh jeez, i said poped, not pooped. Im talking out loud to myself.

Thank god no one is here.

I feel lonely.

----

I eat a CBD chocolate and feel the anxiety of impending doom. So many emails.

I remember. I remember every embarrassing thing I have done in my entire life. I have so much to do this week. So many emails. I have a meeting tomorrow and I don't feel prepared. That time I was left hanging for a high five with my hand in the air. I looked like Hitler with no friends. It is Sunday and life is Scary. So much to do this week. Were they laughing at me? I feel lonely. No one talked to me today. I feel like the Pluto of my friend group.

I decide to crowdsource some self esteem and climb on Tinder.

Left

Right

Match!

Left

Oh damn this guy is hot.

Damn, 5’10

Left

Right

Match!

Left

Right

Match!

Right

Match!

Right

Match!

Every time I swipe right it's a Match. I feel attractive and desirable

Left

Double ew!

Left

Right

Nothing. What!?

I lower my standards

Right

Nothing. Nothing. Nothing

Sunday Feels Scary Again. I have so much to do tomorrow. I don't want to play the game anymore. I fear rejection from strangers. Kinda horny tho. I survey my matches and read messages:

“Hey”

“Wanna Fuck?”

“Nice weather Today”

“Show me your bobs?”

“Nice Feet”

A profile stands out

Blake

6”2’ “Ive never shoed a horse, but I told a Cow to go home once”

I don't really get it, but he's HOT. That fish he caught is HUGE! I climb out of my comfort zone and message first. I've never done this before

“Hey” she wrote with butterflies

….

…….

………..

18 minutes pass. Nothing.

I go back to swiping unenthusiastically

Right

Nothing.

I feel like a Moth in a world of Butterflies. Undesirable.

OH GOD. I research gravity blankets and take a xanax. I think of Cocoons.

I fall asleep lonely horny disappointed anxious and 8% numb. So many emails. Maybe I can do the dishes tomorrow after work, the gym, and picking up my prescriptions. I shouldn't have messaged him. I need groceries. That time I tripped on the bleachers and Becky laughed at me. I run through the grocery list in my head. Eggs, avocados, kombucha, spinach, Shame, paper towels, CBD chocolates. I feel weird.

------

I survive another week with espresso and antidepressants. It was hard. I am so tired. I am so tired all the time. Its sunday night and I feel The Doom coming again. I batten the hatches and prepare to wait out the emotional storm under the weight of my new Gravity Blanket. Its heavy and sweaty and I regret buying it. My anxiety rises to new highs and I feel like an idiot. Thank god no one is here. I feel lonely.

Ping!

Blake: :Me

“Hey ;) still up?”

I think about unmatching to teach him a lesson for not replying to me last week, but digital or not, I really need this distracting attention.

“Maybe ;) whatcha doing?”

Trying not to think about Monday LOL

LOLOL Same Same. Sunday Scaries :o

LOL I KNOW! Just gotta get through this week,

I am getting a puppy on Friday!

Puppy! What kind!?

A Frenchi :) her name is Luna

OMG NEED!

You have any pets?

Nooooo :(

You can come play with mine!

Cats or Dogs?

YES PLZ! I grew up with dogs :)

What was the name of your first pet?

Daisy :) she was so sweet

Awww, where did you grow up?

Seattle, just moved for a new job

It's hard being in a new city!

Well I can show you around!

What is your job?

Never been to Seattle, were you born there?

Born in Suburbia, lol

a little town nearby called Auburn

I work for a company that has meetings

I have a friend from Auburn!

LoL what do you meet about?

No way!

We meet about other meetings

Yea, did you got to Westside Elementary?

Eastside

Oh nice, her mom was a teacher there

Did you have Mrs. Ellison for 1st grade English?

I don't remember a Mrs. Ellison?

I had a Mr. Gardner

Oh lol. U like cars?

Sort of

I just got a new one :)

What was the make and model of your first car?

Wow! You are having quite the year!

Lol 1994 black honda civic. The dream

You sound like a Capricorn

Virgo!

Oh nice, when is your birthday?

August 24th, 1990

Just got a pic of my puppy, wanna see?

OMG YES

206-390-0345

I like Capricorns ;)

Oh god that sounded desperate

Texted you

Didn't get it!

Tried again

Nothing :(

Lol new phone too, I think its fucked tho

Whats your email, I wanna show you my bb pup!

Lol look at you Mr. New

[[email protected]](mailto:[email protected])

….

……

……..

Did you send it?

…..

Hello?

Fal Asleep? lol

Ping!

An email arrives to my racing heart. He's so inquisitive! New car and a puppy! I wonder what he does for a living? Such a Gentleman, that was a whole hour of texting and he didn't even ask for nudes. I click the notification but my email won't open.

Please login to continue. I type my password “Daisy123”

Incorrect password/email combination

Please try again

Oh, is it lowercase?

******3

Please Try Again

*****3

Please Try Again

******3

Please Try Again

Ugh im so tired, I can't even type right. I'll leave it for morning

--------

MondayVegan Jessica III sleeps well in dreams of Blake, Frenchi’s and Avocados under the weight of her anti-anxiety gravity blanket. She wakes with a smile and grabs her phone eagerly.

Please Try Again

Vegan Jessica III eats her last free-range Avocado on a piece of whole-wheat gluten-free non-cruelty noGMO carboloaf. Num!

Please Try Again

Fucking Annoying!

I switch over to my work email and begin responding to CC threads as I walk to the train. I meet with my team and we plan our next meeting. We have a great plan to plan.

I get home exhausted. I am so tired. We met for three hours and planned for three more days of planning meetings about meeting plans. I log in to tinder and check my messages. Nothing. I take a xanax and go to sleep. The dishes are molding and i'm out of avocados.

Tuesday

I wake stressed and skip breakfast. I head into work and drink espresso. We meet again to discuss our plan to plan. Everything goes as planned and we adjourn. I get out of work 15 minutes early and swing by CVS Pharmacy for LaCroix and drugs.

Some freak in a fedora oggles my breasts through my oversized sweater. What is he even looking at?

“Hi, yes, prescription pickup for Vegan Jessica III. It should have been called in Monday”

“Sure thing, insurance and ID please. Have a seat, it'll be about 15 minutes”

Pharmacists are just drug baristas, change my mind. I wait 45 minutes for the man in the never-dirtied lab coat to grab a prepackaged bottle of prozac from the wall. I hand him my credit card.

“Im sorry Ma’am, your card was declined, do you have another?”

The word ‘Ma’am’ turns three of my pubic hairs grey. It makes me kind of miss that creep in the fedora surveying my body.

Are you sure? Can you try again

Yes ma’am, the card is declined. Do you have another Ma’am?

Ma’am

Can you try calling them? I left my debit at home and don't have any cash.

I glance at my Fitbit. The time is 6:01pm

Its after 6pm Ma’am, you'll have to wait till tomorrow.

I leave the CVS and the pharmacists spends the next 30 minutes placing the bottle of pills back on the shelf.

----

I go home feeling frustrated. I skip the mailbox, dishes, dustbunnies and head straight for my bed. I pull the gravity blanket over my head like a ghost and feel a little better. I eat a half a pound of CBD chocolate and feel much better.

I log into Tinder. Fucking Blake ghosted. Unmatched. Under my blanket I get scared of ghosts and eat another ¼ pound of CBD chocolate.

Wednesday

I wake feeling like shit. I don't know why. I feel stressed. I call in sick to work and take a xanax and go back to bed. I awake to a phonecall from an unknown number. Fucking spamassrobocalls. I scream FUCK YOU to 1s and 0s. There's a panic rising in my throat.

I haven't checked my personal email in days now and try to log back in. I click password recovery and an email is sent to my old college email | [[email protected]](mailto:[email protected]). Ugh I can't believe I used to eat honey and drink milk with my coffee; I feel ashamed of my former self. It feels like a Sunday, but it's only wednesday.

I try to login to my old college email to recover my password for my post-college email.

I try to remember my old password

Please Try again

I try all my old combinations

Please Try again

Lockout timer 29:59..

29:58….

29:57….

Ugh I hate this shit.

Trying to recover a password to recover a password. Did I type it wrong? Was it capitalized? Am I just not remembering it right? Was the ‘I’ a “!” ?? Was there 123 at the end, or maybe beginning?

I need to set my passwords to things I can never forget. Maybe take a lesson from Sunday. Shame and Trauma seem to make for fantastic passwords.

MyFatherAbandonedOurFamilyIn1997!

That's not something im likely to forget

I spend the next 29 minutes finally doing the dishes and feel a little better.

Please Try again

Lockout timer 59:59

FUCK

I hate this shit. I click the password recovery button on my college email and a third is sent to my very first email address. [[email protected]](mailto:[email protected])

I go to AOL.com and try to login

Please Try again

It feels like im opening those Russian Dolls. Every time I open one, another is there. The Russian Nesting Dolls of Digital Frustration. Please Try Again Later.

Recover the password

to recover the password

Please Try Again

I channel my frustration and hit the gym. Pilates class with Pontious. I stop on the way home and Scream into the Void. I feel a little better.

I check the mailbox before the stairs.

I turn the key and an avalanche spills out. Envelope after envelope, it seems unending. They just keep coming. The cascade flow dries to a dribble and I reach inside to scoop the rest of my mail out.

My arms are full of dead trees and I feel sad. Plus its like super heavy after an hour of cross planking. I ascend the stairs and unlock the door with my keys in my mouth. I push the door open with my forehead and dump the heavy mess of envelopes and magazines on the floor.

A Victoria Secret catalogue catches my eye. I make a mental note of my despise for their company message and start perusing the pages. What kind of image are they putting in the heads of young girls. False standards of beauty. Where are the real women! That bra is like super cute tho. I order three in different colors but my card is declined. The bras never come, its ok tho, they wouldn't have fit me anyway.

When my card is declined I think of Blake’s rejection again. Ghosted. What an asshole. Whatever he's probably just another pig who gets off to Victoria Secret models and supports an impossible standard of beauty. I am now convinced Victoria’s real Secret is mainstream distribution of introductory pornography to young boys in suburbia. That's a big mental leap to take from subquality prethought, but I think it's important to note where some of these idolized false standards of beauty start. They start with aging young Mother’s ordering VS products and catalogs to catch renewed interest from their lazily inattentive husbands and trickledown pornoEconomics recycles the catalogs to prepubescent boys. Hidden and stolen, they are a prime middle-school currency. The image of Desire becomes fixed in pubescent development and the path upscycles again.

I throw the catalog away disgusted and pick up my copy of the much more realistic Vogue. I eat more CBD chocolate and forget to call my credit card company. I fall asleep with fragrant advertisements and two miles of photoshop-smoothed Gigi Hadid legs on my face.

Friday

It's a beautiful morning and i'm feeling rested. I don't know what happened to Thursday. We have a brief meeting about next week's meeting and are dismissed early. Summer Fridays are the best! I meet up with my besties and we dress up to impossible standards of beauty.

Thin pink straps patterned with “VS VS VS” loop my shoulders out of my strapless black dress. Clash is in. I think it looks cute even tho the bra doesn't fit well. I lace up my gladiator platform cork wedges and we head out for a night of dancing.

I dance next to my ugliest friend and bask in double attention.

Buy you a Drink?

Wanna Dance?

Ever Ride a Motorcycle?

All eyes on me. I dance and twirl and snort the night away. This cocaine is fantastic. My credit card still doesn't work so I have boys buy me drinks. I black out a bit and wake up in my Uber home. Its light out and the birds won't shut up about the stupid sun. My heart is beating arhythmically and I feel weird. A feeling of impending doom is brewing and it makes me feel weirder - it's not even Sunday.

I sober up a bit, but can't sleep. I decide to finish the vial of cocaine I took from that boy and do some housekeeping.

I take the trash out and open my computer. I feel inspired to clean and conquer.

I will recover my password!

I see a button for ‘alternate recovery options’ on my ancient @aol email and click

A series of questions challenge my identity

“Date of Birth”

August 24th, 1990

“What was the name of your first Pet?”

Daisy

“What was the name of your 1st grade English Teacher?

Mr. Gardner

“What City Were you Born in?”

Auburn

“What was the Make and Model of your First Car?”

1994 Black Honda Civic

And just like that I'm in! I recover my password and recover my password and recover my password.

The russian dolls reassemble and my anxiety plummets

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Until I open Gmail to a Nightmare

The realization grips me. The Saturday Scaries are Real. I spring to the 4 foot foyer of my apartment where the non-fashion-catalog remainder of my mail avalanche sits piled like rubble.

I rifle through envelopes and cut my finger. It really stings. I suckle a droplet of blood and read the envelopes

Bills. Bills of all kinds. Bills of all shapes and sizes. Bills Not mine, but mine. An acre of rainforest in bills.

My iphone rings and my phone wont open. Panic Panic Panic. Saturday Scaries. I pull my bleeding finger from my mouth and the iphone recognizes my face. I answer the call

“Ma’am i'm calling from TransUnion Credit Reporting, we've seen some unusual activity on your report this week, can you confirm opening the following 227 Credit Cards on Sunday between the hours of 11pm and 4am Monday Morning?”

(This phone call 97% actually happened)

My vision spots and I hit the floor.

___

I awake Sunday. My head is throbbing and my finger hurts. I look at the papercut and it stares back with green eyes. It smells like Almond Butter, but the gross GMO kind. I put CBD oil on it and leave the house.

I head to the hospital, but my credit card is declined. My finger is green to the knuckle and it definitely feels like a Sunday.

I head home and curl up in my bed. With my green arm I pull the gravity blanket over my head and cry. I fall asleep feeling scared and not safe.

I wake to pain. The green has spread throughout my whole body. I feel weak. I need to go to work. So many emails.

I feel The DOOM

I try to lift the gravity blanket, but I am weak and it is too heavy.

The longer I stay, the weaker I become. Days pass and I miss meeting after meeting. I sweat profusely trapped inside a cocoon of anxiety. Unseen emails pile up and add to the weight. My phone is out of battery and I can't reach past the blanket for my charger. I need water. I really need water.

I feel The DOOM

I think of blood poisoning and my plummeting credit scoreThe Chrysalis hardens to reject the outside world

It becomes my Tomb. I feel safe here.

Immune to Anxiety

No emails, no meetings.

The DOOM fades to black and so do I.

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