#i cannot believe a 19 year old could overcome that before the story starts; i can believe a 38 year old has sometime before the story start

[butwhatifidothis]

It was funny realizing that Yuri's backstory is extremely convoluted, but had it made me wonder, if you were Yuri's writer. How would you rewrite Yuri's backstory?

There's actually one really simple way to fix his backstory that requires little straight up rewriting: double his age.

Some things that happen after his backstory will have to be reworked or discarded entirely - pretty much all of his support relationships would have to be changed in some way - but the fundamentals of his backstory work infinitely better on a much older character. I can far more readily believe that a 38-43 year old man is as experienced with such drastically different lifestyles than a damn 19 year old, especially with it being the case that so much is pre-baked into his character (aka an older man could more realistically have been all of a street rat, adopted noble, assassin, spy, and gang lord off rip than a teenager could ever be).

Plus it would've given the player an older male LGBT+ option to romance, bumping it up from the... none that we have available in reality lmao, so that'd be a nice bonus

[givemeonebreath]

A big, messy Linked Universe playlist

Link for Links

Heavy on the angst, because of who I am as a person. (At the same time, don’t take it too seriously, man.)

Influenced by canon, manga (TP Link is really Going Through It™ ), my personal perceptions, and popular fandom canon.

A pretty wide variety of genres, with a bias towards metal and prog rock.

I kept snippets of lyrics for most songs, also because of who I am as a person. (Some were particularly hard to narrow down to just one verse or chorus.) Those - and a little more rambling - are under the cut if you really want, in the order of the playlist. But. It’s long.

I didn’t initially make this with the intent to share, but hey. Throughout my past year+ of listening, I’ve been haphazardly adding songs to a playlist I very creatively named Links. If something reminded me of them, whether through the music or lyrics or both, I threw it on the playlist, so some songs might seem odd or vague. Some are really on the nose, as subtle as a sledgehammer. (Sky for Sky? Dude. Sorry.) Some are there because of a fitting line or two that stuck in my head. Ultimately, music - like any form of creative expression - can be interpreted in a multitude of ways. 

My listening habits and tastes are erratic, which is why this is one big, jumbled playlist and not separated for different Links. Not to mention if I did that, some (Wild, Legend) would have a lot and some (Wind, Four) would have none, both because of my own familiarity with them, and because of the general themes of the music I tend to listen to. Most songs are a general ‘hero’s spirit reborn’ mood, anyway - those are the first part of the playlist. The second half is more nuanced to specific Links, plus a few Ganon vibes.

1. Deep Purple - April (Koji Kondo, composer of the original Legend of Zelda theme, was into Deep Purple as a kid, and it shows.)

2. Kamelot - Regalis Apertura

3. Au4 - So Just Hang On, Beautiful One (I’ve posted this here before. I can’t hear it without thinking of LU now.) So I slipped in through the gate almost unknown. All my border stamps were late. Seven days old. Cold hand griped my shoulder blade, broke the bone. Bloody nose and turned away, all the way home.

4. FC Kahuna - Hayling Don’t think about all those things you fear, just be glad to be here

5. Glass Animals - Youth Boy, when I left you you were young I was gone, but not my love You were clearly meant for more Than a life lost in the war

6. Pain of Salvation - Restless Boy A restless boy in a world too slow A flame born into cinder, ash, and glow I've given everything I gave it all Yet find myself alone

7. Haken - The Endless Knot Our design shifted frame by frame! Across the line our cycle starts to fail. Our design shifted frame by frame! Across the line we die to live again.   We need a story to believe in. We need a hero to prevail. We need a challenge we can overcome, it takes a tragedy to make us one 

8. Kamelot - Memento Mori (I particularly associate this with Time and Twilight) I am the god in my own history The master of the game I may believe if she would come to me And whisper out my name Sometimes I wonder where the wind has gone If life has ever been Sometimes I wonder how belief alone Can cut me free from sin

9. Katatonia - Fighters Look I told you so We never stop If we said that We'll back it up For sure You know We're fighters

10. Megadeth - This Day We Fight! (I mean, all Links, but particularly Warriors) For this I was chosen, because I fear nothing With confidence I tread through the dead of the night Off to another war-torn, faraway battlefield Wherein lies a demonic enemy horde

11. Moon Tooth - Igneous Well, the spirit took me And this old broken body leapt up and danced Settin’ out Settin' out with all my heroes in a bundle at my back Hawk am I More wings span in my shadow than overcast Yeah, you know what they say Always need something to look up to, ha

12. Samael - Moongate Destiny, tomorrow is today Destiny, without boundaries How many nights will we spend together traveling infinity back and forth and again How many times will we go together questioning eternity about us about our wonders...

13. TOOL- Parabola This body holding me reminds me of my own mortality Embrace this moment, remember We are eternal, all this pain is an illusion

14. Lunatic Soul - Blood on the Tightrope No matter how hard you try To shut down your feverish thoughts They hunt you down with no regret Cause you have to fix it all

15. Hybrid - Keep It In The Family

16. Soul Savers - Unbalanced Pieces Gone, now carry on Through violent seasons I call you mother, mother, mother In vain, absent chain The twilight's bleeding And the playing board has two unbalanced pieces

17. Steve Von Till - Valley of the Moon All she gives is a stone facade Like ill-given flowers at a dead man's wake Here we slave for the dreams of another And fight over scraps like wayward dogs

18. Ludovico Einaudi - Experience

19. Lunatic Soul - Summoning Dance Three stones on the right side Three stones on the left My vicious circle of life and death   “Oh you want it” I hear it again “Oh you want it” My burden Curse to break

20. Lunatic Soul - Through Shaded Woods Run through your shaded woods Run through your shaded mind Run through the night Run away Run through the darkness Run

21. Lunatic Soul - Naavie

22. David Bowie - Nature Boy There was a boy A very strange, enchanted boy They say he wandered very far Very far, over land and sea A little shy and sad of eye But very wise was he

23. The Dandy Warhols - Sleep Well, I could sleep forever But it's of her I dream If I could sleep forever I could forget about everything 

24. Au4 - Everyone is Everyone (and Everything is Everything) Tripping and tumbling, Flipping and fumbling. Flowing on the rivers of sadness That have been forever rumbling.   But from dawn until now Of all the paths that I could have gone down Of all the valleys That I could have been flowing through.   In spite of all the chaos And all that has come between us, How is it I still find myself Here with you. 

25. Kingcrow - Everything Goes Your hands again upon the ground Falling rain for hours and hours As you learn the game Time dispels the fog ... Ever been there? Ever felt like prey? Ever thought your mind was feeble? Lot of things that don’t make sense

26. Pain of Salvation - Icon As a child I felt too old And now when I'm grown-up I feel too young A different kind so I've been told Just slightly out of reach and out of time

27. Sophia Loizou - Divine Interference (I got spooky dungeon vibes. Also, the title.)

28. Carpenter Brut - Fab Tool Runnin Gunnin Forward in the phantom shatter so grand Splatter grand, arcanum fuel Wrought iron out of the sky Over me, tells no lie

29. Blue Stahli - Death Will Have to Run All on the open road Where none will ever grow A journey toward the known With countless miles to go

30. Gyroscope - Mistakes & Ladders I am the first? No I can't be the first A continuous nothing, destined for something Tell me who you are and why you trapped me here

31. Queens of the Stone Age - Run, Pig, Run Run, pig, run Here I come

32. Chali 2na & Krafty Kuts - Guard The Fort The swords are drawn and odds are stacked And we clash the impact's a thunderous clap Calm demeanor Even though we are under attack [...my turn to guard the fort ready for combat]

33. The Great Discord - Army of Me (lol)

34. Kongos - Terrified I think I'll start again and change my name You only live once or twice, what a shame Somebody fucked up when designing this game

35. Woodkid - Run Boy Run Run, boy, run! This ride is a journey to Run, boy, run! The secret inside of you Run, boy, run! This race is a prophecy Run, boy, run! And disappear in the trees

36. The Beta Machine - The End A million miles away from you this time I'll do what it takes I'm on my way If lines are in the sand I'll go under If I can make it in time I will bring you back with me

37. Devin Townsend Project - Gump When we last met who was I? I'm sorry we no longer see eye to eye The energy to keep you in while keeping myself out I'm sorry how you'll take this  But I just don't have the patience anymore 

38. Arrested Youth - Riot! I can't get much satisfaction living in this cave It's tough to breathe, I'm in the belly of the beast Can't sleep with all my rage With me and all my generations living in this cage Pick up your guns and tell your sons, tonight we break the cage

39. Led Zeppelin - Friends So anytime somebody needs you Don't let them down, although it grieves you Some day you'll need someone like they do Looking for what you knew

40. Faunts - M4, pt 2 (Wild) Fight your foes you're not alone Holy war is on the phone Asking to please stay on hold Bleeding loss of blood runs cold And I need you to recover   Because I can't make it on my own

41. Faith No More - Ashes to Ashes (Wild) I want them to know it's me, it's on my head I'll point the finger at me, it's on my head Smiling with the mouth of the ocean And I'll wave to you with the arms of the mountain

42. Devin Townsend - Jupiter (Wild) I know you At least I think I do Everything's changed But in the days that are so dark It's wonderful

43. Katatonia - Neon Epitaph (Wild) Shadow of my shadow Cling not to my grief I am long left behind now You are free

44. The Smashing Pumpkins - The Beginning is the End is the Beginning (Wild) Time has stopped before us The sky cannot ignore us No one can separate us For we are all that is left The echo bounces off me The shadow lost beside me There's no more need to pretend Cause now I can begin again 

45. Katatonia - Lacquer (Wild) My voice travelling Soaring bird above your head The house we lived in Ridden with disease ... The levee breaking I can't live to fight once more The road to the grave is straight as an arrow I'm just staying around to sing your song, baby

46. Eskimo Joe - This is Pressure (Wild) There is no romance in suffocation  The walls fall down like your expectations You want to scream  And you want to shout But you've built up steam  And you can't let it out This is pressure 

47. Portugal. The Man - 1000 Years (Wild) We'll wait 1000 years  Until the end of time We'll wait 1000 more Dressed up in gold and white We'll climb the mountain sides  To find what's in the sky We'll dig through mountain sides  To find what's deep inside

48. Au4 - An Ocean’s Measure of Sorrow (Wild) Forgot my name and who I was. Memories of nothing floating up. All of the sorrow we once knew, Colours the ocean's water blue.

49. Band of Skulls - Carnivorous (Twilight) I am corrosive and cohesive Like a chemical bond I'm all together undone I am the broken kingdom I'm just so, so, so  So carnivorous

50. Glass Animals - Flip (Twilight) I wanna go back with a club and attack I wanna take to my guns and break you I gotta make my little foe take his own

51. TV on the Radio - Wolf Like Me (Twilight) My mind has changed my body's frame, but, God, I like it My heart's aflame, my body's strained, but, God, I like it

52. Kamelot - The Spell (Twilight) All my demons cast a spell The souls of dusk rising from the ashes So the book of shadows tell The weak will always obey the master

53. OSI - Radiologue (Legend) I was dreaming I was heading west thirty days faster Had a fever woke up in a sweat bailing out the water  Can't go on Can't go back   Heard your voice coming through the noise wrote it in the radio log Hurt my head, wondering what you said so I threw it overboard  

54. Katatonia - Don’t Tell A Soul (Legend) I have been destroyed by the perfection that is a lie see I'm moving soon see my feet are already on the road and if you know where I’m going don’t tell a soul

55. Haken - The Mind’s Eye (Legend) The shape of things to come are closer than they seem Changing your design every time you disappear I'm planning my escape through portals of your mind Where people seem to drop like flies

56. Pain of Salvation - Species (Legend) Sometimes I hate my fucking species Yet most days I'll do anything to please it  My generation was fooled to pursue our dreams But it is not what it seems You never need what you want And you rarely want what you need

57. Euringer - Do You Kiss Your Mama with That Mouth? (Legend) All my life, misunderstood I'm fuckin' too smart, too smart for my own good The last question, before I go is "Hey motherfucka, do you kiss your mama with that mouth?"  Yes! I kiss your mama with this mouth

58. !!! - Pardon My Freedom (Legend) Like I give a fuck, like I give a shit Like I give a fuck about that shit Like I give a fuck about that motherfucking shit

59. Team Sleep - Ataraxia (Legend) Froze asleep Coma deep I dream I'm out with you Alone at sea

60. Oliver Tank - Embrace (Legend) You're in my dreams The world is torn apart at the seams And I don't wanna leave Wearing my heart on it's sleeve

61. Machine Gun Fellatio - The Girl of My Dreams (Is Giving Me Nightmares) (Legend) The girl of my dreams is giving me nightmares I don't know what it means but she's got multi-coloured hair When she stands in the sand I dream of peaches And I'm not sure what that means either

62. Earl Greyhound - Shotgun (Legend & Hyrule) I am nobody, nobody is who I am I am a traveler on this land And nothing, nothing, nothing in my hands

63. TV on the Radio - Staring at the Sun (Hyrule) You're staring at the sun You're standing in the sea Your mouth is open wide You're trying hard to breathe The water's at your neck There's lightning in your teeth Your body's over me

64. Echo & The Bunnymen - The Killing Moon (Time) Fate Up against your will Through the thick and thin He will wait until You give yourself to him

65. Sufjan Stevens - Sugar (Sky) Don’t break my heart, don’t break my flow now And all this rage has got to go now Let’s take up this lifeline Come on, baby, gimme some sugar Don’t make me wait Don’t make me wait too long Don’t make me sing the sad song Come on, baby, gimme some sugar

66. Obsydians - Ascension (Sky) Rise above the hardships you’ll face I will sign and keep on rising As long as you are giving me your soul and keep me awake Feel like home and spread your light around I will listen and just be there As long as you are giving me your love I’ll give you my soul

67. Sonique - Sky -_-

68. Enter Shikari - The King (Ganon) Watch your back, my friend I'm about to kickstart a cycle Of never ending revenge And this time it's primal, it's tribal

69. Saul Williams - WTF! (Ganon, Hylia) "You've been polluted, uprooted by time You have been muted, computed but I'm A living vessel of the one, of the moon, of the sun" Hey! You ain't as dead as you seem, what the fuck? Hey! But you keep living your lies

70. These New Puritans - We Want War (Ganon/ Dark Link/ any nemesis I guess) Shadows dance back up, it's happening again If you listen carefully you might hear them whisper: "We hold all the secrets, we hold all the words; But they're scrambled and broken so you'll never know" Can't you see them Floating like black ash? Can't you feel them Crawling down your back?

[okay-victoria]

Love of My Second Life: Tanya & Romance

This is both my take on why, despite seeming like the easiest and healthiest relationship to write, TanyaxVisha is up there with TanyaxMary in difficulty level for pulling off successfully, what I’ve seen go wrong in fanfic so far, and what needs to make it/any romance go right.

Where to start, where to start...um, a warning, for obvious reasons I’m going to have to talk about sex.

The Age Difference

This has the joy of being a bit creepy on both ends of the spectrum! Yay.

Visha Being Creepy

Visha is probably 5 - 6 years older than Tanya. While as more mature adults that age difference is relatively negligible, Tanya being 17/18 and Visha being in her early 20s doesn’t make it suddenly a non-issue. If you and a coworker, both in your first job out of college, went to happy hour and you met his/her significant other and they were a senior in high school, would you feel good about that?

The age-of-consent laws in bygone eras may help your case for why in-story characters give a pass to such things, but it doesn’t really help explain it to your readers. Unless I’m missing something, no one is reading this story from 1920s/30s Germany, and so it needs to have the relationship explained in a way that tries to work for modern standards. Additionally, I think people tend to mix up age-of-consent with “people found this generally appropriate”. A 19 year old dating a 59 year old violates no laws in the United States, but that doesn’t mean that most people are going to consider it a loving and healthy relationship without any proof. Even your in-story characters are probably going to have some thoughts.

The final issue, from Visha’s end of the spectrum, is that even when Tanya is aged up to 18+ and has gained some secondary sexual characteristics, she is sometimes still presented as being an “eternal loli” who can be easily be mistaken for someone around 14/15, an age at which girls normally have some secondary sex characteristics, but distinctly immature ones. I imagine this problem stems from two places:

1) Scenes when Tanya’s lolidom is brought up are not the same scenes as the romantic ones, so the problem is not as obvious to the author and

2) Author forgets that “short+small boobs+doesn’t have wrinkles yet” does not actually result in people looking like they are mid-puberty. Without being really creepy, as women age, their breast tissue drops down and to the side, waist/hip/leg ratios change, and the face loses its baby fat, among other things. Writing that references Tanya as looking like a teen comes along with the unfortunate implication that she actually looks like she is still mid-puberty, and Visha...is into that, instead of being someone who is attracted to petite POST pubescent women.

These are all extremely fixable problems. Really, all an author has to do is make Visha acknowledge that it’s weird, and probably try to talk to Tanya about her reservations before she starts trying to seduce her. It’s the handwave that is the issue. For the last/puberty problem, unless there is some reason I probably don’t want to know about that the author only wants to write the relationship if Tanya looks 14, simply describe her as a petite but adult woman, and if you need to use her looking young as a plot point, have her make an effort to adapt her adult characteristics to suit or hope that nobody looks hard enough to tell the difference.

Tanya Being Creepy

While Tanya is physically the junior member of the relationship, mentally, she is the senior, and by a lot. Tanya knows this. While I don’t necessarily think Salaryman is the Earth’s most morally-pure man, I have a high enough opinion of him to think that he was not pursuing college girls when he was like 35. Tanya should also have a moment of thought over this, or the relationship needs to wait until Visha is closer to her late 20s, when she is approaching a similar level of life maturity that Salaryman would have felt was close to his own.

Even if you think that Salaryman’s logical side would have been eroded by his “but I’m a guy, I can’t help it, college girls are hot” side [I’m side-eyeing you], I think it’s very unlikely that living as Tanya, and being on the receiving end of that kind of stuff, wouldn’t make her reconsider her stance on it, at least a little.

I know, I know, Visha’s been to war! She’s not the same as some random college girl in 2020! While this is allowable as a partial justification, because it is true, it ignores a whole lot.

First off, maturity is not a straightforward drive. All parts of you do not mentally mature at the same time. If you want to write early 20s Visha as a mature-enough partner for Tanya, a bit of time needs to be spent on what Visha loses because of it - she never has, and never will, get to be that happy-go-lucky girl. While making fun of young women for being dramatic gossips, obsessing about non-serious things, etc remains a popular sport, thinking that you are doing Visha a favor by taking that time of her life away from her says pretty terrible things about how society values women’s relationships with each other. If you don’t mean for your fanfic to accidentally imply that, it’s something that needs some love & care.

Alternatively, you could write a story in which Visha, while being a competent adult, still gets space to explore her “girly” side. If doing so, you are going to have to make a really strong case for why Tanya is willing to put up with this, as Salaryman does not come off as someone who would judge it a good use of time & effort to be constantly letting his girlfriend rattle off about things he thinks are silly and immature - there’s a lot of other fish in the sea, why not find one that is a competent adult *and* isn’t often talking about things you don’t care about.

The Canonical Setup of Visha & Tanya’s relationship

Opposite Goals

In a nutshell, Tanya is presented as a person that wants to live a safe, boring, and non-notable life, is doing her best to get there, and is constantly failing and being stressed about it because she needs to figure out a new plan. Visha is presented as someone who has major qualms about Tanya as a human being, but has a nigh-worshipful respect for her heroic officer side.

This is a massive, and I mean MASSIVE problem. You absolutely cannot ignore that what makes the characters happy is diametrically opposed to each other. Can you overcome it? Yes, by slowly developing the characters towards a compromise, but you can’t just not acknowledge it and expect me to think this relationship has any hope of leaving both partners happy. Either Tanya never escapes her never-ending stress cycle, or she does, and the entire basis of Visha’s attachment to Tanya disappears.

This can be fixed by: 1) Tanya coming to terms with a new side of herself, one that wants to be that hero. This cannot just be a one-paragraph epiphany. Tanya is shown to hate when she thinks her internal self is being changed by her new experiences and she needs a lot of work to get to a point where she is willing to acknowledge this in herself.

2) Visha has to go through a rocky part where she second-guesses herself - she thought she wanted Tanya, but turns out, Tanya isn’t the person she thought she is? How and why does she decide that she likes the person Tanya has become? This is probably the easier route, but I think runs the risk of having an author have Visha *say* Tanya does all these other good things for her, but never really show it happening.

3) The happiest medium is probably one where Visha *mostly* adapts towards Tanya, so Tanya gets to live a quiet but not too quiet life, and Visha learns to love another side. As Visha is compromising more in this sense, a healthy relationship is going to include Tanya realizing what is happening and deciding to make an effort to appeal to Visha and not just be like “Take me as I am. Or don’t.” and Visha unilaterally decides to accept that.

Why Does Tanya want to be in a relationship with Visha?

Tanya betrays no actual emotional attachment to Visha in the light novels. While you can read in rationalization to the reasons Tanya gives to her actions, she herself does not believe that it is because of an emotional connection.

Canonically, Tanya is portrayed as liking Visha because of how well Visha passes the “usefulness” test. This brings up another MASSIVE problem - does Tanya, in any way, shape, or form, actually like Visha as an individual, or just  her ability to conform to the role Tanya wants her to play?

Look, I don’t need Tanya to be in LOVE with Visha in the way we usually talk about people being in love to believe that Tanya can be in a relationship successfully. I’m fully on board with a portrayal in which Tanya can’t quite summon that level of emotion. However, she needs to like and respect Visha as an individual person, and summon a level of emotion beyond friend with benefits.

IMO, it is really hard to do that without showing Tanya and Visha disagreeing on a major piece of Tanya’s philosophy and Tanya actually listening and responding positively to it, not simply agreeing to disagree because it isn’t worth upsetting her useful sidekick, or whatever. There needs to be character development of both characters - Visha finding it in herself to be comfortable rocking the boat, and Tanya having a compelling enough reason to change something that she has clung to for two lives.

Everyone wants to be a lesbian

While I get it, the Empire is not the exact same as Germany, and yes, I know that Weimar Germany was relatively sexually progressive, it’s really not something that a well-written romance should handwave.

“Weimar Culture” in many ways developed as a result of how WW1 went for Germany. If you have a story where WW1 doesn’t go that way for Germany, gay culture is unlikely to flourish to the same degree.

All that aside, Tanya isn’t someone that is going to easily shrug her shoulders and say “you know, sometimes you need to jeopardize your career for the sake of hot sex/love”. She’s pretty clear on which she prioritizes. A lesbian relationship is not going to help her here, and she’s going to be aware of it. She needs to struggle with that choice.

Visha not struggling to accept herself as a lesbian is also somewhat of an oversight. It’s pretty unlikely that a woman born in her time period would come to terms with that easily. Visha is also never shown being attracted to other women besides Tanya, which carries a weird “I’m only a lesbian for you” vibe that is like a gross parallel of a straight guy wanting a lesbian to be so attracted to him she can’t help it, she wants the D.

And now, we enter the realm of Tanya’s relationship with her identity and sexuality.

Tanya is shown to have mental qualms both about entering a straight or lesbian relationship in her new life. The reasons behind those qualms are not explored at all in the LN, but they should be in a story in which Tanya goes into a relationship.

No matter which path puberty takes her down, there is the issue of Tanya being comfortable having sex as a woman. Even if it is with another woman, it is not going to be particular similar to the way she had sex with women as a man. That type of thing is pretty tied up with our identity. Tanya hates having her internal, I haven’t changed identity threatened, and not being able to give sexual pleasure/needing to receive it differently is the type of thing that is probably going to come along with some emotional reservations on her part.

Again, sexual identity being a part of our overall identity, while Tanya may remain attracted to women, that means her identity is now as a gay person, not a straight person. Given her biases from both growing up in Japan and the state of gay rights in her new life, it would seem atypical that she would consider this a non-issue and it wouldn’t make her question her priorities or the type of person she thought she was.

But...The Sex?

Look, I get it, sometimes you wanna see certain characters bang. We’ve all been there.

While yes, I recognize that many humans make terrible decisions solely in pursuit of sex, and so it’s perfectly realistic to have Tanya and Visha do the same and say that’s why you’re handwaving everything else, it is an extremely lazy storytelling technique, especially since neither character seems likely to go to extremes for it.

Because people focus so much on sex appeal, unfortunately, they use it as a substitute for making a good case for the relationship. Visha/Tanya is so attracted to Tanya/Visha, that now they are willing to undergo character development, because the pulsing loins urge them to. Really?

Do at least some of it first, lay the groundwork for romantic attraction before you slam them with physical attraction. While it often works the opposite direction in real life, that undercuts the romantic side in fictional story-telling.

I also think that because of the focus on their attraction to each other, what ends up missing in all TanyaxVisha fanfics I’ve seen so far is the tension. That makes it boring, I don’t care about it, and the entire reason I don’t care about it is because the choice to handwave the inconvenient facts means there is nothing in the way besides Tanya being a dumbass, which you can only do for so long without it becoming boring.

They are both attracted to each other, and admit it to themselves. Neither sees any real problem with the relationship other than not knowing if the other person likes them, but they aren’t even hung up on it and mostly work on straightforwardly winning the other person.

When in doubt, blame it on The Patriarchy

As far as we know, Tanya isn’t pining for relationship, and never thinks about a romantic relationship from her old life. Combined with other things Tanya says, it is hard to imagine Salaryman ever had a “considering marriage” relationship - more like, he may have felt partnership had some desirable aspects, but probably never was able to compromise on his kind of extreme worldview enough to try to make it work with someone, just figuring he’d find “the one” one day that wasn’t going to make him compromise.

While of course, you should not need to change everything about who you are for a romantic partner to like you, saying “you should like me for me” and then putting in exactly zero effort to do things because you know they are important to your partner, even if they aren’t for you, is not one of the keys to a successful relationship.

While it is not a problem inherent to Tanya & Visha’s relationship like the above sections, it is a problem in all forms of how I’ve seen the relationship written. It fails to answer a fundamental question: WHAT CHANGED?

Why did Tanya want love/a relationship/a wife in this life, and not in her last? If she did want it in her last life, why did she successfully find love/a relationship/a wife in this life, and not in her last?

Unfortunately, skipping the answer to this question implies that nothing changed. The success is then entirely reliant and Visha, and that brings along with it a really ugly answer.

Visha’s professional I’ll-do-anything-for-you is equated to a personal I’ll-do-anything-for-you, and she very much accepts Tanya for who she is, through all the flaws that are definitely there and that presumably no woman in Salaryman’s life was willing to put up with. Tanya doesn’t have to undergo any character development to be capable of making the relationship work.

This has some really, really unfortunate undertones. It is the very reason why even legal-but-large age difference relationships often aren’t healthy, because the older partner, instead of trying to be someone capable of contributing to the life of someone their own age, decides it’s easier to find someone younger who doesn’t know better and is more willing to put up with their bullshit. That, then, turns into a creepy grooming undertone - you make the less experienced partner think this is normal.

It really isn’t normal or good that Visha should have to put up with a relationship in which she never discovers who she wants to be because she’s so caught up Tanya’s idea of how to live your life. That is borderline emotional abuse, I am sure no one intends it to be there, but without giving some serious treatment to character development, unfortunately, it is.

To me, this has some of the worst overtones of the worst types of male fantasy - My Manic Pixie Dream Girl is completely devoted to me, and instead of emotionally adding to her life and/or our relationship, she is completely fine with me substituting being a Strong Heroic Man who occasionally buys her Nice Things. She demands I change nothing of myself and completely agrees with my Logical Man worldview, no matter what she needs to change about herself to get there. She’s hot, and I get to simultaneously be a straight man and have hot lesbian sex. Even better, because she’s a “strong” woman who is capable in her own right, not only am I physically satisfied, but I get the ego boost of “earning” the submission and subordination of a woman who is better than most people, because she knows I’m better than her.

Honestly, the more I think about it, the grosser it gets, so as far as fanfic goes I just try to ignore it and understand that the authors intention wasn’t to bring along all this baggage. However, to truly write a good Tanya x Visha story that gets away from all these unfortunate implications is a big undertaking, and it’s really impossible for it to make for a compelling side-plot that doesn’t get much screentime.

I’m generally fine with handwaving issues for sideplots, but if Tanya is making decisions because of her relationship with Visha that are now affecting the main plot, it really isn’t something that *should* be handwaved.

Thanks for coming to my TED Talk.

[dailyaudiobible]

09/23/2021 DAB Transcript

Isaiah 41:17-43:13, Ephesians 2:1-22, Psalms 67:1-7, Proverbs 23:29-35

Today is the 23rd day in the month of September welcome to the Daily Audio Bible I’m Brian it is a joy and an honor to spend a few minutes of this day with you around this Global Campfire that we make each day, it's oasis to let God's word wash into our lives. And, so, let's take that next step forward together. We are working our way through the book of Isaiah in the Old Testament and we’re just getting going in the letter to the Ephesians in the New. We’re reading from the Evangelical Heritage Version this week. Isaiah chapter 41 verse 17 through 43 verse 13 today.

Commentary:

Alright. I want to just requote Paul in his letter to the Ephesians just a couple of verses today for us to look at. “Indeed, it is by grace you have been saved.” Like we could just sit there, and we should. We should take each part of this and just contemplate it at different points of the day. “It is by grace you have been saved through faith and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God.” Again, “this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared in advance so that we would walk in them.” This is a reasonably well-known passage. You've probably heard it before, but have you ever just sat with it? “It is by grace you have been saved through faith and this is not from yourselves. It is the gift of God.” That is really really good news. That is the good news. You…you can't get good enough. You can't work yourself into this. That's not what's going on here. God is trying to offer a gift freely. Your part is to believe that the gift has been given and then life is transformed. And then what we do falls in line with who we are and who we are, according to Paul, is God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works. So, we can see that we have good work to do, and that good work is part of us being in Christ, But the fact that we can be in Christ, there is nothing we can do to make that happen other than believe because it is a gift, it does not come from ourselves. We cannot earn it in our own power, which also means this cannot be stolen from us. We could reject a gift. We could walk away and abandon the gift. We can treat a gift as it's…as if it's garbage but this gift is the restoration or renewal or re-creation, the making new of our inner selves. The transformation of our Spirit, the…the changing of who we truly are. Do we not spend our whole lives trying to tweak who we think we really are? And normally what we’re doing is trying to tweak our behavior, trying to tweak our personality so that it's more effective at coping with the world and getting people to do what we want them to do in some form or fashion, otherwise known as manipulation. What Paul is talking about here is so much deeper, so much deeper than all of that façade, all of that mask wearing. It is at the essence of what is core, what is deeply true of us, what is created in the image of God. This gift transforms us, changing everything about us, including what we do. There's like not a whole lot of better news than that. I mean would you rather have your…I mean this is an odd question…but the phone call that makes you rich or the awareness that you are being transformed into something that has the Spirit of the living most high God involved and within? I can't say much about the phone call that will make you rich but this second piece, this is already true. Let's spend some time contemplating it, contemplating this truth and what it might mean. That we can spend some time thinking about what this might mean, that we can live true, that this cannot be taken from us, that our identity no matter what anyone might say cannot be altered. We are children of God. Think about that today.

Prayer:

Holy Spirit, we invite You into that. It's the reality that's been spoken to us from the beginning. It's a reality that the Gospels reveal. You came and were willing to sacrifice Yourself in order to give us this gift. And yest we just kind of live as if it's just a thing, like it's just always been here, and it's just a thing. We’re just trying to figure it out and we’re just trying to be better when You have offered us the gift of utter and complete transformation if we will utterly and completely surrender to You. Come Holy Spirit, help us to think on these things today, we pray. In the name of Jesus, we ask. Amen.

Announcements:

dailyaudiobible.com is home base, that is the website, it’s where you find out what's happening around here. So, be sure to check it out or you can use the Daily Audio Bible app to do the same thing. Press the Drawer icon in the upper left-hand corner. Some people call it a hamburger button. I’d never heard that one before. Looks kinda like a drawer to me, three little lines. Push that button. It opens a drawer and then you can access the different sections there from within the app.

Check out the Daily Audio Bible Shop. There are a number of categories and resources there for the journey through the Bible in a year.

Check out the Community section. That is where to get plugged in on social media to where the Daily Audio Bible is. That is also the home of the Prayer Wall. So, check that out.

If you want to partner with the Daily Audio Bible, that can be done at dailyaudiobible.com or from within the app as well. On the web there's a link on the homepage. If you’re using the app, you can press the Give button in the upper right-hand corner, or the mailing address is PO Box 1996 Spring Hill Tennessee 37174.

And, of course, if you have a prayer request or encouragement there are number of ways to reach out. If you’re using the app, you can press the Hotline button. That's the little red button up at the top. You can't miss it. You can press that and share your story from wherever you are in the world or there are a number of telephone numbers that you can use depending on where you are. In the Americas 877-942-4253 is the number to call. If you are in the UK or Europe 44-20-3608-8078 is the number to dial. And if you are in Australia or the lands down under 61-3-8820-5459 is a number to call.

And that is it for today. I'm Brian I love you and I'll be waiting for you here tomorrow.

Community Prayer and Praise:

Hello, my DABalonians DABaruskis, my DABster's what's going down? This is Casey Sean Peirce from beautiful sunny Eloa. How are you today? I wanted everyone to join me in prayer if you could if you would be so kind for the beautiful Shemira Pierce my wife. Heavenly Father please bless Shemira and give her extra piece and extra joy and strength to…to do the things she needs to do in Jesus’ name. Amen. If anyone else wants to pray for her that’d be super cool. I'm not really that good at prayer. She recently quit doing all drugs and tobacco products and alcohol and she's got a lot of family issues that she's dealing with, that she's talking to a custody lawyer right now. We're handling a lot of kids in and out of the house and with different parents, her biological kids. Her mom lives with us. There was a reason she drank and did drugs, my wonderful wife and now that we don't that it kind of takes away what was protecting a lot of things that she needs to just overcome now. And, so, if anybody can help her with prayer to do the things that she needs to do that would be great. I love all you guys. God bless you and God bless your day.

Hey everybody my names Kara I live in North Carolina, and I just wanted to put in a prayer request for one of my friends. About 10 days ago she lost her son who's only 19 years old and it was very unexpected and suddenly. And his funeral was on Saturday. And I saw her for the first time since this has happened, and it just broke my heart to see her. And I just pray that she feels lifted up and comforted and finds peace. And I just I'm asking for all you guys to pray for her period she she's…she's having a hard time and she also has another son that's his…the other boy’s twin. So, I can imagine that would be very difficult. So, yeah if you guys could just pray for her and with her up, I would really appreciate it. I love this community and everything it stands for. And thank you Brian for having this community. It's definitely kept me going in difficult times. So, I appreciate it. Love you guys. Bye.

Heidi DAB family it's Shanda from South Dakota. I was doing my Bible study this morning and I felt prompted to call and ask for some prayer. We did our festival and it turned out great. Thank you for those prayers. However, my son was assaulted shortly after pretty badly. Had someone not stopped he feels like maybe he wouldn't have lived. And the people that are salted him are still threatening him. He feels like he needs to go buy a gun for safety. And I am praying for him. And I still have some fear. He's my baby. I'm just calling to ask for prayer for his safety. I'm just in this place of praying to the Lord and…and going back and forth. I trust the Lord and I trust His plan and I know He has plans for my son's life. I still just feel a little fear. I am praying for all of you, and I thank you so much for your prayers. Have a great day everyone.

Good morning, everybody this is God's Smile here. It's a beautiful morning and I just wanted to share a little…little __ I had with the Lord. As the lights are drawing in, I've noticed by the time I'm able to get down the stairs. And, you know, I only get about an hours’ light before I notice it starting to draw in. And I thought, wouldn't it be lovely if I could just get up in the mornings and be able to get downstairs physically. So, here I am at 9:00 o'clock in the morning. Thank you, Jesus for that. Isn't He great? He even hears the sighs of our heart. So, Brenda I would like to pray for you because you rang in about your mom in a nursing home and it's on lockdown due to COVID and it's not been easy on a dementia ward. And she's had a hard time remembering conversations and when she last saw your family. She loves the Lord. She's been a pastor’s wife for 35 years and she feels abandoned. Father God thank you that you’ve not abandoned Nancy. Thank you that Jesus lives inside her and Your precious Holy Spirit. Father I ask for Your peace to be…to abound Lord, that Your grace would impart Father and a stillness in Nancy's heart to know that everything's OK. And I know You do this with me Lord when I'm in distress and I have faith and trust in You that You will calm her and soothe her Lord and let her witness be from Brenda the next time she calls. And times ticking away and Bob’s chirping away. I'll have to go now guys. Kiss kiss. I love you. Bye-bye.

Good morning DAB family I've got a prayer request and also a praise report but before I start this story, I'm a bit sick so hopefully you can hear me OK, my voice sounds alright. But my praise report is that I…I got my university results back and I graduate with a first. And I can't even explain like. Like I got it like a week ago and every single day since, I just keep thinking about and I’m like oh my goodness, how on earth did I graduate with a first. Like so grateful, so happy and like I…I just owe everything to God because like if someone had told me I was going to graduate a first I would have been like oh, stop it. Believe it or not people said yeah you will, and I was just rolling my eyes like ok please like stop expecting so much from me. And I did. And I just…like it's honestly the weirdest feeling but like the best feeling at the same time. So, that’s some good news because I struggled a lot especially like balancing uni stuff and work. Well…I did it, but my prayer request is for my brother. He's just so lost. And like we had a conversation last night and it just honestly just made me really realize how lost he actually is, and it's just been on my mind like the whole night even when I was sleeping and when I wake up today. It's been on my mind like and like the love I have for my brother is so much like I don't love anyone else the same way that I love him, and I care for him, and I want him to add like have the best life he can possibly have. But like I just don't know what he's doing. And he's drifted so far away from God it's ridiculous. Like he's just…he's not even putting in any effort to spend time with Him. And like He's just doing…he's doing what he wants, and I don't know whether or not he cares that what he's doing is like not what he's supposed to be doing and if like…I just…I…I don't know but I just I guess I…I…I I'm just asking for you guys to pray for guidance and wisdom and for him to actually have a relationship with God…

[spiritualdirections]

Mercy in a time of national anger

Last Sunday, the Church celebrated the feast of Pentecost, when the Holy Spirit made the Apostle’s speech in their rough, Galilean accents, understandable to those from countries all over the region where Aramaic was not spoken. Ever since proud engineers tried to build the Tower of Babel, the languages of the Earth had been scrambled. The miracle of Pentecost is that through the Holy Spirit, the sin and punishment of Babel were set aside, and people began to understand each other. In fact, the Acts of the Apostles describes the early Church as having a miraculous level of unity, in which everyone lived in harmony, “with one heart and one mind (lit. “soul”).” This sort of unity is available to us, if through the Holy Spirit we set aside the sin that divides us.

But a few chapters later, that harmony gives way to jealousy and misunderstanding. The new Christian community in Jerusalem, which includes baptized converts from both Judaism and paganism, starts to divide among pagan-Jewish lines. At first, the problem is one of (alleged) discrimination—one group thought that they weren’t getting treated fairly. Later the divisions become theorized and theological—the Jewish converts wanted to impose Jewish customs and the Mosaic Law upon the non-Jewish converts. St. Paul spends much of his ministry fighting off this theological error. The Letter to the Romans explains his major arguments: Paganism is bad and you converts from paganism should rejoice at having been rescued from that. Judaism, on the other hand, includes God’s revealed truth. But the Jewish converts to Christianity shouldn’t boast about their superior heritage, since the Old Covenant was incomplete; all its religious truth didn’t actually rescue a single person from sin—for that we all need baptism into Jesus’ New Covenant. The pagan converts were apparently bragging that they’d now supplanted the Jews in God’s kingdom, and so St. Paul shut down that argument as well—we have nothing of our own to boast about, but only Jesus, and the fact that we get to suffer and participate in His Passion and sacrifice on the Cross.

Interpersonal animosity is a consequence of Original Sin. The original harmony of man and woman in the Garden of Eden, in which Adam rejoices that finally God has found him a suitable partner in Eve, gives way after the Fall to Adam blaming God for giving him “the woman”. Cain murders his brother Abel, his anger leaving him open to temptation by the devil. And so on, down to our day.

This week, we’ve been focused on how people of different races don’t love each other. Last fall, in the wake of the Jeffrey Epstein revelations and the #MeToo movement, we focused on how men don’t treat women with respect. Before that, we were concerned about how we treated immigrants. And so on. It seems that we get outraged by whatever part of fallen humanity the media causes us to focus on right now, until the next news cycle refocuses us on the sin over there. We can always find genuine, real, interpersonal animosity if we look for it, since we can always find the fallenness of humanity if we look for it.

We can hate people who are different from us. And, as the story of Cain and Abel teaches us, we can hate people who are a lot like us. A few years ago, we were focused on how Irish Christians, racially indistinguishable from each other, were killing each other. We were shocked about how Rwandan Catholics, all of whom are black, conducted a genocide against each other in the 1990s. This Wednesday, we celebrated the feast of Charles Lwanga and the Ugandan martyrs, all members of the Gandan people, who were killed by their own king for refusing his homosexual advances. Husbands and wives, who profess their lifelong love on the day of their weddings, come to hate each other in the wake of the divorce. Mothers kill their own children by the millions through abortion, from some misguided sense of self-preservation (a species of self-love). We can grow to hate or mistrust anyone who isn’t us. That’s the lesson of original sin.

Charity, the greatest gift of the Holy Spirit, is the love that overcomes our anger at injustice and the sinful divisions that follow. Without charity, without grace, our concerns shrink: from a love of all mankind, to a love of our tribe (literal or metaphorical), to a love only of those like us, to a love of this family member but not that one, to a love of ourselves above all, even above Christ. Charity is the love that tears down the walls that divide us. Charity is the readiness to give our lives for those we love, in imitation of Christ’s sacrifice.

As the sad examples of Northern Ireland and Rwanda make clear, Catholics are not free of the temptation to selfishness and even to murder. The Church has had and will always have sinners within it. And yet, in the Creed we say, “we believe in one holy… Church.” This is a dogma. It doesn’t mean that the Church includes only those who are without sin, but rather that the Church is holy insofar as we allow the Holy Trinity to work within us. Through the Holy Spirit, we are baptized into Christ Jesus and his covenant with the Father. When we genuinely act and pray in the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit, we are holy. Charity is a participation in the interior life of the Trinity.

In my book Mercy, I talk about how a great part of the difference between Christian thinking and secular thinking about politics comes down to mercy, to how we respond to injustices. The mistake of what I call “justice-only politics” is to have well-developed ideas about how things ought to be (aka justice), but no concept of mercy, no real thought about what to do when circumstances and/or people get in the way of their idea of justice.

I think the national reaction to the killing of George Floyd reveals something like this. Some people think that the right thing to do is to enact reforms of the police; others think that the right thing to do is to kill the police and bomb the precinct. Some people think that nonviolent protests are an appropriate response; others think that injustice justifies robbing the local Target. Some people are satisfied when the bad cops are arrested, prosecuted, and convicted; others want to overthrow the government. Some are just so upset that they don’t know what to do. All agree that something deeply wrong happened to George Floyd, but our consensus stops there, at the level of justice.

Mercy is the virtue that comes into play when things go wrong. Once we decide that something is unjust, we still have to decide what is the right thing to do. Do we “cancel” the unjust persons, breaking solidarity with them and removing them from society? Do we send them to the guillotine? Or do we try to make things better? In an interesting Trinitarian statement, Jesus commands his disciples to “be merciful as your heavenly Father is merciful” (Luke 6:36). So justice-only politics, or any politics without solidarity for the offender and the sinner, is not a Christian option.

Jesus also commands us to be meek and gentle, as he was, rather than angry. St. Thomas Aquinas, in his commentary on the Beatitudes, says that to be meek while at the same time not being a wimp (my paraphrase) is a gift of grace. For most people, to keep their anger at injustice under the control of their reason (so that it doesn’t grow to rage) is a virtue. But for the Christian, we have the grace and therefore the responsibility to go way beyond mere self-control. We are commanded to love our enemies, pray for those who persecute us, hunger and thirst for justice, and not to get angry enough even to call someone names—above all, to love everyone whom Jesus loves, for the reason that Jesus loves them. Jesus, when faced with the greatest injustice in the history of the universe, his own crucifixion, didn’t get angry; to the contrary, he was meek “as a lamb led to the slaughter.” He was strong—he was omnipotent—and could have resisted the injustice with power and caused his enemies to relent and submit. But he revealed to us that to be meek and loving in the face of great wrongs is to be divine.

Racism is a sin, and Jesus conquers sin. It’s a sad fact that most of our thinking about race takes place in a left-wing, Marxist, atheistic context, in which a desire for power and an awareness of otherness crowd out Christian reflections on meekness and solidarity. It didn’t used to be this way. The Civil Rights movement was once led by Christians, most notably the Protestant Pastor Martin Luther King. It appealed to the Gospel to unify people of all races. As in so much of our life, so to with regard to race, it’s a struggle to think in Christian terms. When people only talk about justice, it’s a struggle to cultivate mercy. It’s a struggle to forgive those who have trespassed against us, or people like us. It’s easy to forget what we said above, that mercy is commanded of us.

For this reason, I highly recommend that we Catholics foster a desire for mercy, pray for mercy, and perform works of mercy as much as we can. June is the month devoted to the Sacred Heart of Jesus, a symbol of his suffering for us out of his merciful love—the Solemnity of the Sacred Heart is Friday, June 19, a time when many people consecrate themselves to the Sacred Heart. Many people find that the Chaplet to Divine Mercy helps realign their hearts with Jesus’, so that they can regard people with his merciful eyes and love them with his merciful heart. Both devotions call attention to Jesus’ Passion, the steep price that he paid to conquer sin and division. We’ll find that we, too, have to pay a steep price to conquer the sin in our own hearts—that we cannot be casual or lazy about our own spiritual lives if we want to help the world to be better.

There are no spiritual shortcuts. To conquer racism requires a conversion to holiness, and a willingness to spread grace and charity to hardened hearts. Only through baptism into Christ’s Ascension can any fallen human being participate in the inner charity of the Trinity. Let us ask the Holy Spirit to transform our lives.

[kosmosian-quills]

Novel Prep Tag

I was tagged over a month ago I’m so so sorry!!! by @writingonesdreams​! Thank you for your patience with this one!

I’m doing this for Angel!

FIRST LOOK

1. Describe your novel in 1-2 sentences (elevator pitch)

The crown princess of a small island country is on the run after the royal family is overthrown. She has to learn to survive with a group of criminals while hiding her true identity.

2. How long do you plan for your novel to be? (Is it a novella, single book, book series, etc.)

Well originally I saw this a standalone novel, but after some talks with a few people I am considering a backstory novella set before the story starts, but I won’t properly begin this until after I finish the first draft.

3. What is your novel’s aesthetic?

An opulent royal castle, a dense forest in a storm, old collapsed buildings, soldiers stood neatly in line, posters and propaganda.

4. What other stories inspire your novel?

The main ones that come to mind are mostly stuff from here on tumblr! I’ve read a lot of amazing writer’s works, and honestly the writers themselves are the people who inspire me most. I mean. @writingonesdreams​, @cirianne​, @ardawyn​, @eluari​ all have amazing WIP’s and are awesome people!

But ofc the question stipulates stories, so I’d have to say - the Persona game series and Anastasia!

5. Share 3+ images that give a feel for your novel

MAIN CHARACTER(S)

6. Who is your protagonist?

Królewna Anjelika Maciejewska Górskanka - The Crown Princess of a small island country, and the only child of the King and Queen.

7. Who is their closest ally?

Before the story, it’s got to be her Maidens of Honour (especially Kasia) and Michal, the man who is in charge of protecting her.

During the story, it’s technically still Michal, and a few individuals that I have not introduced yet.

8. Who is their enemy?

The disgraced former army General who betrayed her family and tried to kidnap her, and now has total control of her country.

Her sadistic cousin too, who is now captain of the secret police that is in charge of hunting her down.

9. What do they want more than anything?

To be safe and free with her friends and (some) family again, without having to run and hide anymore.

10. Why can’t they have it?

The General’s hunt for her is very impeding of a peaceful life, and some of her friends are captured or otherwise separated from her during the initial weeks of chaos that the country decended to.

11. What do they wrongly believe about themselves?

She believes that her life will never be able to return to normal (and it will not ever be the same), but as long as she has her friends she will be able to grow stronger with them together.

12. Draw your protagonist! (Or share a description)

Anjelika is approximately 5′5″, has brown eyes and brown hair that is just shorter than shoulder length. She is skinny and has some lower body strength thanks to her regularly dancing ballet. She is graceful and has a “public” smile and a “private” smile.

PLOT POINTS

13. What is the internal conflict?

The Princess battles with her identity, who she was before, who she pretended to be, and who she is now. Three very distinct facets of her identity that she struggles to overcome and accept as a part of her, mainly due to the upeval that her life became.

14. What is the external conflict?

The General’s rule is ruthless and relentless. He’s actively hunting her down with the purpose of wedding her and forever making him a part of the royal lineage. She doesn’t want that to happen, and simply wishes that she had any semblence of power to make it all just stop.

15. What is the worst thing that could happen to your protagonist?

Recapture, being humiliated in front of not just her citizens, but the remainder of her family and especially her friends.

16. What secret will be revealed that changes the course of the story?  

Where the Princess has been hiding the whole time, if that counts. Basically, Anjelika’s story starts as soon as the overthrow happens. Michal’s takes place almost a year later, and they sort of meet up for the climax.

17. Do you know how it ends?  

Kind of. I have an idea, but because I haven’t decided on a climax I cannot really say for sure with regards to the fate of some characters (some I really want to kill and others I am on the fence about, for example).

18. What is the theme?

Loyalty, friendship, (found) family, bravery, survival, and acceptance of one’s true self.

19. What is a recurring symbol?  

Roses and other flowers. Roses are a symbol of the royal family, and the buds that grow throughout the story sowing seeds of hope for a better future, that things will get better.

20. Where is the story set? (Share a description!)

The small island nation of Kosmos. It’s a country just off the coast of Poland with shipping ports to Sweden, Denmark and Germany too. Has a mountanous region in the centre of the country, the capital city (and the castle) are on the south-east coastline. They’re famous for flowers, making food and clothes adorned with them is a huge cultural draw for many (rose vodka is nice enough, but some especially corn poppy vodka is practically lethal when it’s homemade).

21. Do you have any images or scenes in your mind already?  

The Princess with her friends on the day after the overthrow when she witnesses something that she did not want to see.

The separation that leaves Anjelika alone in her own country, hunted like a dog.

One of her friends joining the rebels to help rescue their captured friends.

A semi-canon, not-quite-decided-yet scene in which Matylda has a position of power over her tormentor.

I have many. My problem is getting them written down!!

22. What excited you about this story?  

The thought of friendship and loyalty even through such awful times, trying to stay strong and true to one’s goals and ideals. Just. The friendship, ok.

AND the prospect of it being full enough to publish one day and own as a thing that I did.

23. Tell us about your usual writing method!

Mostly daydreaming, a rough planning of scenes and what I want to happen, and writing very very little. I need to get better at this honestly.

Tagging a few people. Sorry if you’ve already been tagged! I’m very curious to see yours, but feel free to ignore!

@cirianne​, @ardawyn​, @eluari​, @dove-actually​

[momtemplative]

The Long Game

A conversation about schools reopening:                               Part one (uno, un) of presumably many.

There was one year I celebrated the First Day Of School with such vigor and rebelliousness that the moment I got home from the double-drop-off, I stripped down to my undies and ate pesto from the jar, on the couch, like a crazy woman. 

Last year, the first day of school was delayed for four days because of construction and I had a full-on meltdown. Get these kids out of the house!!

Now, here we sit, atop an entirely different perspective. That Holiest of Days means nothing. 

Finish lines and dates-to-look-forward-to-with-certainty during this pandemic are as arbitrary as the outcome of a toddler game of pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey. I’ve been applying a lowered-gaze to these long, long days, a here-and-now approach to get us through to the finish line of school starting. Not thinking about the Long Game has been a survival tactic to avoid an onslaught of overwhelm and to allow more room for joy and sanity. (There are plenty of tough days that happen organically, without the pressure of trying to figure it all out.)

Back in March, I thought, (many of us thought), ok this is crazy, but they’ll surely get back to school in the fall. And what an epic celebration THAT First Day will be! 

Especially after this four+ month stint of no school, no sitters, no public places open (safely), no playdates or kid swaps, no summer camps or extracurriculars, and no travel! I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t holding up the First Day as a beacon of hope, grabbing at it like fruit for a starving soul that hangs way beyond my reach.

Up until last Wednesday, we could still speculate about school as some far-off agenda. Of course there was no way school could start up again as per usual, but I pushed that slippery little thought out of my mind every time it landed.

Now, heavy with reluctance, I am beginning to mourn the loss of the reality I was hoping for—to have Opal back in school and Ruth in preschool three full-days a week! (That was new, for the two years prior, she attended preschool for three half-days, which just barely covered my part-time work load.) The generous portions of un-scheduled time (that far surpass the needs of my job, which I will not be doing for the foreseeable future anyhow, since giving massage to elders with dementia and Alzheimers is such a dangerous gig right now) were joyfully staggering to think about. 

Once the facts came to light, hard and fast on the computer screen, it no longer worked to play dumb about what the fall might look like. They announced this week that BVSD (Boulder Valley School District) would be opening schools for two days a week, a “hybrid model,” starting one week late, end of August. Half the class will attend Tuesday and Wednesday, half will attend Thursday and Friday. On the not-in-person days, kids will do online schooling. (Kids can also opt out of this for fully online, at-home schooling.)

The kids will be required to wear masks and keep their distance. There will be partitions and well-spaced desks and lots of outside time. The precautions will be thorough and lengthy, but necessary.

Joseph G. Allens, assistant professor of exposure assessment science at Harvard says, “On prevention, we are seeing that in many hospitals, the number of infections of front-line doctors and nurses has dropped way down. Why? Strict controls are in place focusing on just three things: mask-wearing, hand-washing and air-cleaning.”

This is positive news for the kids who are old enough to be mindful and take precautions. Luckily, Opal is old enough to be developmentally capable of following all the rules, not only because that is who she is, but because she understands this is what needs to happen for the public’s health. Five years ago, she may have had good intentions, but would’ve been developmentally unable of doing what needed to be done. Five years from now, she may be nursing a rebellious phase—who knows. So, we rejoice at the fact that she is eddying in the safest spot—age and development-wise—that she possibly could. (Not to mention her motivator-of-wise-choices is far more ubiquitous and scary than simply aiming to be a ‘good girl.’)

Ruth, who is four and still taste things from the ground, is another story altogether. And to intensify that reality is that she’d be in a classroom of 11 other small-children-examples. When I imagine a birds-eye-view of her classroom, I see piles of children, not individual bodies, all heaped onto a particular play area like puppies on a teat. The personified opposite of social distancing. 

And because we have grandparents to think about, we have chosen to keep Ruth from the fray of preschool for the time being. (I acknowledge we are fortunate to have this choice.) This is devastating and confusing for her, she is longing for her friends and teachers, the world she cultivated for the prior two years, half her life. She still doesn’t understand why school stopped so abruptly, why she never got to say goodbye to her class, why she can’t see any of them now, except for on a screen. 

(Ruth sometimes refers to The Virus as almost a villain-character. She’ll be lying in bed and suddenly, disgustedly, shout, “THAT VIRUS IS SO RUDE!”)

For the last few days, I’ve been saturating myself in news articles about how schools plan to re-open next month and the safety of it all—for grandparents, for teachers, for us. I vacillate between, this will be weird but fine and yikes and wait, is this the best approach? 

There is a staggering amount to consider, and yet a minuscule amount of certain information out there. Almost every article I read about young kids and COVID—can they spread it??—is filed under the opinion section of the paper. Info feels sparse and mostly speculative. I don’t trust it. At least not on her grandparents’ lives. Schools in Europe reopened months ago, where is the research from that?

Brian P. Gill, senior fellow at Mathematica, (a nonpartisan public-policy research and analysis firm), had some optimistic things to say. He said, “When reopening schools, he’d most recommend a staggered start and to reduce the number of students in schools and classrooms. “We believe this can dramatically slow the spread of COVID-19—even if children are not especially good at wearing masks or maintaining physical distance.”

I really don’t know who or what to believe at this point. I find myself glomming on to the positive bits, sharing a hopeful thought or article with friends, accompanied by a prayer-hands emoji. Then I will read something that troubles me and I turn leaden and sink to the bottom of my mental well. I usually don’t share those articles. It cycles back and forth like this. 

But returning to the bricks-and-mortar plans for Opal’s upcoming school year:

I try to imagine what this will all look like. The rooms will be half-full of socially distanced little bodies, all looking like mini-surgeons in their masks and ranging in age and size and from approximately 5 to 10 years old. Opal is on the older end, and I imagine her classroom to look like theater—where everyone has an excessive personal bubble and the plastic partition creates a glare from every angle and warps the images on either side. Connections will have to be made in code, sideways, or way too loud to overcome the cloth curtains that cover mouths. I imagine the resurgence of note-passing, like when I was a kid and we’d fold them into little origami packages and pass them along to the desired recipient, hopefully out of the teacher’s gaze. But in this case, they’d need to be tossed rather than passed—the closest desk will be six feet away.

Will they be able to see the preposterousness in all of it? Will they be able to share a good laugh about it or will it all seem like dreadful torture? I’m sure perspectives will vacillate from one end of the spectrum to the other, the way they do now. 

I do solemnly wish that everyone enter the first day of school expecting nothing less than chaos and confusion, and because of that, they will offer each other more slack and kindness. This sucks equally for everyone, the whole dang village. There’s got to be some solace in that?

(And can I get a moment of silent mercy for all these teachers, even the grumpiest ones? I cannot fathom the ninja-brainwork required to hold all these pieces together. The effort is heroic.)

We would probably consider kiboshing the whole operation if it were to last any longer than two days. That’s plenty manageable. And Opal wants it so bad. The sense of purpose, of community, of life-beyond-the-walls-of-our-home. She told me she’s dying to see the eyes of all her friends, even above a mask, as long as it’s not on a screen! Preach.

I am well aware that this equation doesn’t help parents who are trying to get back to work, but, again, I appreciate what Brian P. Gill has to say about it:

“As parents ourselves, we would much prefer that our child’s school be open for a predictable two days a week than a highly unpredictable cycle of opening and closing. But more important than our own preferences are these facts: Unpredictably difficult experiences create more stress and more downstream health problems than predictably difficult experiences, even if the experience itself is equivalent in all other respects. And for children, more predictability yields better emotional health, a key predictor of life outcomes.”

SO here we are, bouncing around the map of this pandemic with, what often feels like, no real direction. At the entrance of yet another entirely foreign trail to blaze—with kids, with grandparents, woven into the threads of our decision making more than ever before in our previous lives.

We want to give our kids the moon, but for right now, maybe the best thing we can give them is predictability. 

Joseph Allen said it well, “I wish it was different. We can continue to push for things to get better — and maybe our government will course-correct. Until then, we must forge a path forward with the reality we have, not the one we want.”

[khalix-hyetology]

Slices of Writing (1)

I been writing for 16 years now. I know it may not seem like a long time but I do believe that because I was writing this long, both consistently at times and intermittently at others, that I have gotten some experience. My experience may or may not help others but I think writing down some points is always good.

What have I written?

I have written my own stories, poetry and I have written fanfiction.

I started writing my own original short stories and fanfiction. Many people may not like writing fanfiction. There are reasons for not liking fanfiction. However, I do not agree with it not being serious writing. Fanfiction is not always smut writing or attempts at erotica. It can be very well defined and detailed, and at times, supersede the original work or give it layers that the original did not support.

I have learned that fanfiction can be analytical writing. It is a form of essaying into what we perceive and what can be done with characters and plots. Fanfiction writing is also a form of sandbox. The term sandbox is more popular with coders because it is a test sheet in which they can experiment with code and try things out. Fanfiction many not always be a scratch sheet but in the beginning it does serve to others a form of blueprint in how to navigate the writing/writer’s arena. So, I do not discourage fanfiction. It is through our passions for creativity, reflected in others’, that sometimes we find our own voices.

Now, as I have gotten that aside I want to write down some points that may  be of use to you. These points are not rule of thumb and you are free to customise them whichever way suits your needs. They are meant to orient you to writing and how you can shape yourself better as a writer. Some of these tips are things to help bring out a mindset for writing. Others are involved in the body of writing.

Nothing is fully innate ability — Recently, I had a chance to interact with a blogger who lives in Japan and makes Lolita dresses by herself. People ask her for advice on how wonderfully she can make these dresses and she responds to them to the best of her knowledge. I like Lolita dresses but I am not that engaged with the lifestyle, however, it was nice to see someone so passionate about doing something they love. And, doing it well. I won’t be afraid to admit that I was envious and I mentioned it to them. I told them that I wish I had their talent. That is when she said something very important.  She told me that she worked hard on all of her dresses. That each ensemble took time and effort. That it was a  process of trial and error that she came to this point. Saying talent alone usually reduces all that hard effort and makes it seem magical. What is important is that you learn this now. No matter what your age, 17, 19, 22, 27 or 37 or 64 get it out of your system as much as possible that innate ability is  this incomparable reservoir of creativity that you are born with and that only some people have it and others don't. Even the most "gifted" people need to practice. Our mainstream cultures have a tendency to portray the "gifted" as someone who easily gets things. They are so awesome they get it in a few minutes or their first attempt is successful as anything. Look, life isn't some anime where the shougo heroine or shounen hero gets to level up so fast and achieve greatness in one go. Nor is it a scene from Good Will Hunting. We may admire and love movies like Good Will Hunting but it is not necessarily real. Even genius has a process and requires experience. If you don't believe think about Will in the film. Despite his gifts he squanders most of them and initially is reticent in getting into his passions because he fears rejection and he wants to socially fit in. He may have an innate ability for mathematics but he does poorly socially and even interpersonally. Not to mention, he is in denial about himself and his own insecurities and pain. Then he does practise mathematics. It's not like he doesn't. He reads books, tries to learn more. Yes, because it is a film we don't get to see the process but it's there.Innate ability may have some merit but practice and understanding usually play a major role in expanding yourself. So, please get it out of your head that you cannot do something because you are not innately good at it. This is a self-defeating and procrastinating attitude. Even I have it and try to get rid of it. It is also a relaxed attitude — I dare say lazy. We cannot ascribe to our passions without any sort of trial or effort. Struggles, small and large, make the process meaningful and salient. Sometimes, the more mistakes we do learning allows us the greater avenue of success. We may not want to try something for fear of all the long hours of work, fear of failure and fear of the unknown. These are all natural fears. But what is also natural is you overcoming them. These fears are not a fatality. You have the power to make them insignificant by showing the fears who is boss. Your fears should not master you; you should master them. If you do not like the idea of mastering them then think of fear as little sprites that are naughty and a bit hyperactive. Think of them as naive and sweet beings that are hungry for your attention. They could even be parasitic. Give them a glass of milk, feed them some cookies and send them outside to play or to bed. The thing is that fears and even the reluctance to do hard work will becoming damaging as you keep on going in life. Hard work does pay off. That is the age old rule that actually does stick and work. Understand your craft and work hard. Only you can for your stories, writing and any other passions you may have. Do not think that the Valkyries will suddenly sing and the gates of Valhalla will open and you will drink ambrosia and be gifted with the Midas touch. Even Midas had to be king before he got his touch and there had to be warriors for Valhalla to appear and the Valkyries to know the songs they would soon compose and fight alongside to. Don't aspire to get to chapter 10 before you haven't even done chapter 1. The only innate thing you can truly possess with some certainty is your perseverance and endurance. There will be bad days and there will be good days. Take them all as the climbing steps for progress.

Do not be discouraged by Haters — This is a very important rule and one that you must try to always keep on reinforcing to yourself. No matter how hard it gets.  When you start there are things that won't be polished. Writing is a lot like woodcutting and carpentry. You start with a block of wood and it still had stubborn sticks and branches, truant leaves and all of the rough edges that do not look nice on its own. When you start an experiment in a laboratory you are just given raw materials that you have dissect, wait to precipitate and then get results. Writing is no different than this. Sometimes, you may be in the drawing board for hours, days, weeks or months. It can take years to finally even find your voice and style. This is the same with art. This is not saying you cannot get it faster.  Sometimes, our other skills help the one we are trying to foster. So, don't think if you are a certain age you cannot learn writing. As I said before the only innate you can be completely sure about is perseverance and endurance. Now, here is the thing. Not everyone can do what you do. This is a truth. And, it is a fact. Not everyone will have the guts to well write or even try to write and then show it to others. This takes some form of courage if not confidence. You must remember that not everyone inculcates or teaches themselves this form of courage. Yes, courage can be taught. Everything in the world is learned via the tutelage of different forms. The people who cannot do this actually learn something else. They learn cleverness. Cleverness is not always a good quality because it can discriminate and be very partial to others other than oneself. When people are  spouting vitriolic about your work they are aspiring to be clever. That is why a comeback can be clever but may not fully be honest or helpful.   Haters have no courage. They do not know how to have it. What they have is venom and cleverness in abundance. Remember firstly a hater mostly hates themselves. A person cannot be this acerbic to a work without some acerbity towards themselves. If you have not written a nasty opinion which is mired in racism, queerphobia, xenophobia, sexism, misogyny, misandry, transphobia and discrimination of any sort there is no reason for anyone to hate your work this passionately. Usually, people who have enlightened opinions are enlightened in their critique. If you are young or not well informed about something people will first approach you with the benefit of the doubt. Haters and trolls are a subset of a new age tabloidism, in that they are sensationalist, melodramatic and full of spite for themselves and others. A good example of this is the anonymous message service in Tumblr. I do receive a good amount of anon hate and have received them for some years. I don't really let it faze me anymore. Haters hate me because they can. It is not a need or a desire. It is built on a false consumption of a choice. Instead of choosing to fulfil their lives and instead of making themselves better to the image they aspire to be they are wasting their time and yours by hating on you. They don't know and many a times they don't know your work intimately or informatively either. They are just people with a grudge who want to vent. Instead of choosing healthier ways to do that, they choose to be toxic. Toxicity is not your priority; creativity is. So, don't listen to the haters. A teacher of mine recently stated that it is also social/human nature to drag others down. If you can do something or have the passion to want to do something be prepared to meet a few people that will tell you, you can't. I wish I knew this back when I was 16 or 17. I remember those times social media was young and I posted poems on Facebook. One guy, who I tagged as a friend, always use to say some of the most rude comments about my work. He would ascribe them to be that of a emo, 3rd grader with no creativity. I remember calling my best friend then, young as I was, at night and crying to her. She consoled me and told me not to take this personally. So, I approached him and said that there was no need to be so hostile towards my work if he didn't like it. The reply was nice but it pointed out my flaws instead of his. Saying he should have remembered that I was a bit of a softie and not taking responsibility for his actions. In retrospect, I am happy he did do that. It proved the thing my teacher said. If I asked him if he could do better or write better I am sure he couldn't have. If he honestly answered he couldn't come close to what I was writing then. So what if it was emo and angsty; that is common and normal for a teenager. Especially, for a teenager who have faced abused most of their life. It may seem emo to him but could he write of his own injustices this way? When we write we are also doing something therapeutic. Meaning: important to our socio-physical, emotional and psychological well being. A hater knows this and their cruelty is like a thief they attack this vulnerability of yours. Remember their vulnerability, not power, is also their attack on you. Treat it as such. Jeanette Winterson said that poetry is important because a tough life needs a tough language. She is completely correct. People who can do better have a portfolio either professional or otherwise of doing better. Their words are concomitant to their actions. Their words are also usually clear that aside hate they know what they are talking about. They show knowledge in their criticism. Haters usually nag, whine, complain and give cheap opinions. Haters are ironically also your most avid fans because they stalk your work and social media accounts with the chance to bully you. If you did stop doing what you do for the sake of them their triumph is short lived and they want you back so soon. You are their pinata and they miss you like anything. More so than a lover. They are codependent and parasitic. So, don't stop writing for haters. Haters will hate whatever you write. Even if you write something in synchronicity with The Theory of Everything they will still hate your guts. They lack their own so like vultures they pick at yours. Haters gonna Hate. Writers Gonna Write. 

Take Constructive Criticism — There are always going to be people who are knowledgeable and give you advice. They could be doing other things but they are helpful enough to tell you perhaps your language could be better, or your syntax or you can put in more expressions. Don't take these as negatives. Take these also as progress. Your writing touched someone enough to leave constructive criticism, which means they valued your writing in one form or another. They believe you have the potential to grow further and be farther than where you are.  That is saying something especially in today's world full of haters and trolls. They gave you a perspective you possibly haven't checked and could do wonders for your writing if you did check. There is no true set limit to a skill. Your life is not Sims so that you master skills and then you have nothing to do. Life is ready and ripe with opportunities and for you and you are also there for it. It is important to take criticisms not as — and this is very important — as an evaluation on yourself. Ad hominem arguments usually come from haters where they build you up as a straw man and try to burn you like an effigy. Constructive criticism is meant to help you put final touches or at least help you along your road of success. Think about the block of wood I spoke about earlier. After carving it out  someone notices it could use more varnish, or some wood chips are unevenly out or that one side is engraved too much. These are all said to make your work look more aesthetically pleasing and also substantial. You have the guts to write something then you also organically have the guts to take this. Trust me. Constructive criticism is meant to tie up courage and confidence. That is why writers online also have beta readers. Beta readers are the text audience who are going to see how your writing is flowing. These are all normal aspects of writing. Do not be discouraged by them. When I was 14-19 I had a hard time taking constructive criticism. I haven't fully mastered it yet but at that time I was completely reluctant to take it. It was not necessarily pride that stopped me it was the inability to understand what my audience was saying. I was young, inexperienced and immature. My audience was telling me not to be so experimental with my writing style. This was for fanfiction writing. Obviously, the demographic may want something different. Yet, as I got older I decided to incorporate some of the advice they have been saying. It worked better for me too. I mean I realised I couldn't finish projects because I was demanding too much of myself in one place which could also serve as a constrained medium. Saying that, I am also happy I experimented. That I took long to listen to their advice. This may seem contrary to what I stated but it is not. See, I was young and discovering aspects of my voice and style. I terribly needed to do what I did. It was a form of catharsis that literally helped me mentally, emotionally, psychologically and physically. We all have moments like this and we all need them. Seizing these moments is seizing life as well. To understand better who we are and what we are doing and also the why and how we are doing. It is your job as the writer to actually understand what constructive criticism you would need and what you wouldn't. Think about a mathematics problem. They say certain things about it that could be excess information. But for you to make x and y you don't need everything. Mathematics is also about context, elimination and extraction as much as writing is. So, you take what you feel is necessary and you could use to improve yourself. And, things you don't you ruminate on them later or don't engage with them as much. Your responsibility as a writer is to write and to write well in how and what you write. You don't always need to listen to what a reader or reviewer is saying if you feel they are going antithetical to your ideas and writing goals. That doesn't give you the right to be rude with them. It allows you to understand other perspectives and how you can better write your messages across. If a reviewer or reader gives a suggestion or desperately wants something you don't have to cave in to their wishes. This is something I learned the hard way too. Your story may be different than their expectations and that is actually good. If you were to write only for their expectations what would you learn or what would they? So, the idea is to map out those comments and extricate the meat of it and eschew the rest. You don't always have to feel the pressing need that you may lose a fan if you don't write by their standards. You may actually lose the respect of your fan if you always cave in to what they want. They may disregard your ideologies and philosophies because they feel you are governed more with a nature to please than to persist. And persist you shall with your own autonomy. No person is a locked island though so obviously the tides of criticism are needed but they may also abate to see the coastlines of your writing shores. Take advice wisely. Remember that the writing is coming from you and no one else. You have a better grasp on the realities and expectations of the writing than anyone else can so you should write them out as such. Do not let peer pressure or even the pressure of ratings malign your course of action. ~ To be continued

[thisweekingundamwing]

Gundam Wing July 9th-15th 2017

Here’s this weeks round up! Enjoy!

(Okay, so I tried to get old art/official art love for this week in on this one... and just doing it for the day I had the idea... yeah, that’s a little much. So, if you would like things like that to be listed in the weekly recap, tag us or submit it please!)

~Mod Hel

Fanfiction:

@ahsimwithsake​ Chains (Chapter 6) http://archiveofourown.org/works/10884354/chapters/25733592

Trowa Barton has a secret--one he has kept his entire life. A single operation brings it all to light.

In which Une and Trowa handle the aftermath.

1X2, 2X4, 1X2X4, 5X6, 3XOC

@amberlyinviolet​ Knife in Hand (Ch. 21) http://archiveofourown.org/works/6068848/chapters/25668318

When Duo learns there's a hit out on him, he turns to the only person in Chicago he believes capable of helping him. But will the cost of the Broker's help be too high?

2X3

@anaranesindanarie, Death Unspeaking (Ch. 1) http://archiveofourown.org/works/11483196/chapters/25754169

What happens when a Gundam Pilot is mute? What happens when the other Pilots look down at him because of it? Will he overcome the odds or will the odds overcome him?

Duo Maxwell

Random Works (Ch. 7-9) http://archiveofourown.org/works/11011338/chapters/25760454

Duo Maxwell, WuFei Chang

Death, PTSD, M/M

@anaranesindanarie, @rhysgalentalcernunnos The Maxwell Twins: Shi and Duo (Ch. 7) http://archiveofourown.org/works/11026149/chapters/25320114

They didn’t know anything about their parents or if they were even related, but they couldn’t deny the fact that they looked alike. Or the fact that they only had each other.

NSFW, twincest, 2x2

@chronicwhimsy Saudade (Ch. 3) http://archiveofourown.org/works/11352189/chapters/25742919

Nice is nice. Except when Trowa and Duo start to wind each other up. Trowa considers Yogic Punching as a therapeutic method.

Trowa Barton/Quatre Raberba Winner, 3X4

Trowa Barton, Duo Maxwell, Quatre Raberba Winner, Catherine Bloom, Heero Yuy, Chang Wufei

Trowa is a good bro, Duo is a terrible bro, but he tries very hard, Confident!Quatre, circus shenanigans, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, thin line between being a good wingman and interfering, Mentions of Underage Sex, Underage Drinking, Duo and Trowa Bromance 5eva

@claraxbarton Offstage (Ch. 9) http://archiveofourown.org/works/7693540/chapters/25718937

Duo Maxwell/Zechs Merquise, 6X2

Warnings: Angst, language, sex (the usual)

Cypress (Ch. 2) http://archiveofourown.org/works/11110803/chapters/25689645

For Sunday Sinning on Tumblr… but then it got long… 3X6

Young Gods (Ch. 2) http://archiveofourown.org/works/11023167/chapters/25813725

A Phoenician relic finds its way into Dr. Relena Peacecraft's hands. An unexpected group must decide the fate of the world. Full of sex, adventure and sass.

Wufei Chang/Duo Maxwell, Trowa Barton/Relena Peacecraft, Meilan Long/Hilde Schbeiker, Zechs Merquise/Quatre Raberba Winner

Duo Maxwell, Relena Peacecraft, Wufei Chang, Trowa Barton, Dorothy Catalonia, Catherine Bloom, Meilan Long, Hilde Schbeiker, Zechs Merquise, Treize Khushrenada, Quatre Raberba Winner, Lady Une, Lucrezia Noin, Heero Yuy

Urban Fantasy, Alternate Universe, Drug Use, Supernatural Elements

Gundam20012005 Anime-Corner-Gundam-Wing-Part-1 http://gundam20012005.deviantart.com/journal/Anime-Corner-Gundam-Wing-Part-1-691618137

Mobile Suit Gundam Wing Part 1 Episodes 1-5

Anime-Corner-Gundam-Wing-Part-2 http://gundam20012005.deviantart.com/journal/Anime-Corner-Gundam-Wing-Part-2-692451860

Mobile Suit Gundam Wing Part 2 Episodes 6-10

HatariHatari [Podfic] Put Up Your [Daisy] Dukes http://archiveofourown.org/works/11453445

3X4, Trowa Barton, Quatre Raberba Winner, Original Characters

Summary from original fic: Quatre is a small-town, southern boy with aspirations that don't include spending the rest of his life as trailer trash, but for now, he's forced to wait tables at a dive in rural Georgia until he can save enough money for college. Though with a hot new bouncer on the payroll, maybe things are finally looking up.

18ish minutes. Original Fic by @noelleian.

@kangofu-cb​ Mission Redacted (Ch. 11) http://archiveofourown.org/works/10872516/chapters/25648503

The team is off to try and rescue Relena, capture Von Holck, and generally take care of business.

Pairings: 2x5, background 3x4 and RxD

Warning: none specific to this chapter.

@lifeaftermeteor Snippet Saturday (Unknown) https://lifeaftermeteor.tumblr.com/post/163034043541/location-unknown-presumably-still-honduras-date

WuFei Chang

Luvsanime02 Maneuvers (Ch. 2) http://archiveofourown.org/works/11385195/chapters/25684290

Heero and Relena are ready to start up their business. Their first client? Dorothy Catalonia.

This is the sixth story in Navigation, a fem!Heero series.

@morbidbirdy, @the-notorious-bhg Something About us (Ch. 9 & 10) http://archiveofourown.org/works/11333262/chapters/25780473

Five Years after Operation Meteor the fragile peace between Earth and the colonies is once again threatened when a beloved prominent political figure is assassinated. The former Gundam pilots come together again for a new mission, which forces unexplored feelings to arise between Heero and Trowa.

1X3

Where I Belong (Ch. 16-19) http://archiveofourown.org/works/10691187/chapters/25235595

In the year AC 205 the status of the Earth-Sphere remains relatively peaceful thanks to the efforts of the ESUN and it’s peacekeeping organization Preventer. The five young men who had once fought together for this peace now work quietly behind the scenes to maintain it. Despite their new roles in this world, Heero and Trowa struggle to establish a comfortable place in it. In the process of finding themselves they eventually realize that their place is with each other.

1X3

@nekoflashficcing​ Permission http://nekoflashficcing.tumblr.com/post/162497732412/gw-permission

Post-canon/future - To foster good relations with the public, Preventers came up with an idea.

WuFei Chang, Duo Maxwell, Heero Yuy

genfic set in post-canon, Preventers

Curiosity Kills http://nekoflashficcing.tumblr.com/post/162537467540/gw-curiosity-kills

Archaeologist/Translation problem AU - They found a mysterious door to the rumored Fallen Paradise.

Duo Maxwell, Quatre Raberba Winner

archaeologist/translator problem au, swearing

On Edge http://nekoflashficcing.tumblr.com/post/162842503123/gw-on-edge

Their fight was bad.

Heero/Duo, unrequited Wufei/Duo

angst fic for an otp challenge, prompt “making up afterwards”

Late http://nekoflashficcing.tumblr.com/post/162844367216/gw-late

A late night visitor to Trowa’s bed.

Trowa/Quatre

a gen fic for an otp challenge, prompt “spooning”

Seraphiczero New Mobile History - Gundam Wing: The Sword (Ch. 1) http://archiveofourown.org/works/11455014/chapters/25677795

After the formation of the ESUN, Heero Yuy still finds that he cannot let go of his old ways, and he struggles to become an ordinary man. However, trouble is brewing in the background, and he may not be able to give up The Sword after all.

Heero Yuy, Quatre Raberba Winner

Post-Anime, Mecha, Canon - Anime, Post-Endless Waltz, Gundam Wing: Endless Waltz, Outer Space, Space Stations, Suffering, Peace, Soldiers, Veterans, Video & Computer Games, Protests, Psychological Torture, Dogs, News Media, Propaganda, War, Post-War

ShenLong Bound, Bonded, and Betrayed (Ch. 58) http://archiveofourown.org/works/7188593/chapters/25691214

Heero is the eldest son of the King of Colonia. His 21st birthday is approaching and as tradition dictates his betrothed is soon to arrive. However he is also bound by tradition to select his own personal slave. The events that unfold lead him down a path that not only tests his sanity but his humanity and love as well.

Heero Yuy/Duo Maxwell, Relena Peacecraft/Heero Yuy, Trowa Barton/Quatre Raberba Winner, Treize Khushrenada/Lady Une

Chang Wufei, Zechs Merquise, Hilde Schbeiker, Dorothy Catalonia, Lucrezia Noin, Sally Po

Sap, Angst, Bondage, Slavery, Yaoi, Lemon, Lime, Het, Violence, Fluff, AU, OOC. - Freeform

Signifying_nothing Live http://archiveofourown.org/works/11474925

“If it was anyone but you, Yuy,” he says, his voice rasping and hoarse. “I'd have shot you.”

“You're full of it,” Heero says, moving closer. Wufei is sweaty, his lips are chapped. “You can't even lift a gun right now.”

1X5

SkullQueen_Loritta The Trials and Errors of Memories (Ch. 1) http://archiveofourown.org/works/11196309/chapters/25002504

It's A.C 197 and our favorite gundam pilots are now part of society. For them life is calm.

Too bad calm never stays when it comes to them.

After several incidents of spacing out, Heero discovers that he is suffering from a form of brain damage as a result of his failed self detonation attempt during the war. A side effect is that Heero can't clearly remember his memories from before the war but he does remember two things: That he has a brother and that he knows a girl that he has a connection to. When a search ends up revealing a place called Kaweneshi City, the pilots decide to take a journey there to find answers. Will Heero find the answers he needs or will the trip be for naught? Or will the pilots find something else along the way instead?

1XOC, 2XOC, 3XOC, 4XOC, 5XOC, Lots of Original Characters.

Thehiddenbaroness Resurrecting the Viper (Ch. 9) http://archiveofourown.org/works/10938852/chapters/25805931

Following a routine visit to Vingolf, Orga, Mikazuki and Merribit are surprised by the sudden appearance of a practically naked, injured woman. Although Artima seems to have full recollection of who she is, she does not seem to understand the outside world. Against Orga's better judgment, the Isaribi is soon entangled in Artima's quest to find and destroy her old mobile suit - and discover both she and it are relics from over three hundred years ago that could hold the key to Tekkadan's future.

機動戦士ガンダム 鉄血のオルフェンズ | Mobile Suit Gundam: Iron-Blooded Orphans, Gundam Wing

Orga Itsuka, Eugene Sevenstark, Mikazuki Augus, Merribit Stapleton, Norba Shino, Akihiro Altland, McGillis Fareed, Original Female Character(s), Heero Yuy, Duo Maxwell, Naze Turbine

Action/Adventure, Crossover of a kind, Science Fiction, Cryogenics, Revenge, Drama, Political Intrigue

Crossover fic

@weiclown Dead End http://archiveofourown.org/works/11312295

Trowa and Quatre are sent in on a simple ‘infiltrate, get the data, and get out’ type of mission. Someone at Preventers was grossly misinformed, and things go FUBAR pretty quick. Will they be able to get out together, and in one piece?

Post-Endless Waltz, Attempted Rape/Non-Con, Brief mention of attempted rape, Violence, Murder, Major Character Injury, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Preventers (Gundam Wing), Dark, Wilderness Survival, Forests, Blood and Violence

Trowa Barton, Quatre Winner - No pairings

xKamiixChanx Aunque no te pueda ver (Ch. 4) http://archiveofourown.org/works/8234525/chapters/25684680

1XRelena, 2XHilde

((It’s in Spanish, I literally have no idea, but I’m not gonna leave it out.))

Zennelia Hinter dem Horizont (Ch. 6) http://archiveofourown.org/works/10336529/chapters/25688181

"What do you see beyond the horizon today, Heero?" she asked.

"Our world," he answered solemnly. "Filled with so much mixed emotions of people."

She smiled, prompted, "Do you feel today?"

His voice was no more than a deep whisper, deep in thoughts when he answered, "Always. I have always been feeling, Relena."

A deeper explore into these notions; a struggle to a mutual peace. In the short time they were given, Relena and Heero found their love overcame the hardships they went through together; being each other pillars. But in the end, people die, and when the time comes, they both embraced the death with dignity - because their love was beyond death to be cheated, and it would last forever.

1XRelena

Family, Hurt/Comfort, Philosophy, Drama, Post-War, Preventers (Gundam Wing), Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Action/Adventure, Medical, Fluff, Romance, Post-Endless Waltz, Post-Canon, Real Life, Friendship, Character Death, Character Development

Fanart:

@chronicwhimsy http://chronicwhimsy.tumblr.com/post/162747709402/trowa-likes-kitties-and-kitties-like-trowa

Trowa Barton, Kitty

Dairugger http://dairugger.deviantart.com/art/Taurus-Mobile-Suit-Crossbone-Vanguard-691912241

Taurus Mobile Suit Crossbone Vanguard

http://dairugger.deviantart.com/art/Gundam-Heavyarms-Kai-Zanscare-Empire-691908546

Gundam Heavyarms Kai Zanscare Empire

http://dairugger.deviantart.com/art/Gundam-Heavyarms-Titans-691679223

Gundam Heavyarms Titans

http://dairugger.deviantart.com/art/Gundam-Heavyarms-EFSF-691675520

Gundam Heavyarms EFSF

http://dairugger.deviantart.com/art/Gundam-Heavyarms-Kai-EFSF-691577954

Gundam Heavyarms Kai EFSF

@downwarddnaspiral http://downwarddnaspiral.tumblr.com/post/162729019471/downwarddnaspiral-relena-darlian-peacecraft-as

Relena Darlian/Peacecraft

@endlesschaosart https://endlesschaosart.tumblr.com/post/162988498976/so-its-finish-i-did-it-gosh-that-was-a-hard

Trowa Barton, Heero Yuy

Jack-stark http://jack-stark.deviantart.com/art/03-Quatre-Gundam-Wing-691841101

Quatre Raberba Winner

@lbro009 https://lbro009.tumblr.com/post/162994476920/preventer-water-sally-po

Sally Po

@maevemauvaise http://maevemauvaise.tumblr.com/post/163008966351/kangofu-cb-okay-so-here-hilde-is-only-a-week

Hilde Schbeiker

http://maevemauvaise.tumblr.com/post/163009892546/claraxbarton-so-um-rey-from-that-rxh-silver

Relena Darlian/Peacecraft

Soltian http://soltian.deviantart.com/art/13-and-5-691694756

WuFei Chang, Treize Khushrenada

Trav3000 http://trav3000.deviantart.com/art/XXXG-01D2-Gundam-Deathscythe-Hell-691914900

XXXG-01D2 Gundam Deathscythe Hell

Cosplay:

@shinigami-of-excellence Treize Cosplay, http://outofworkshinigami.tumblr.com/post/162402987842/more-photos-of-treize

Treize Khushrenada

Tigerofsnow http://tigerofsnow.deviantart.com/art/Gundam-Wing-691545026

Zechs Merquise, Quatre Raberba Winner, Trowa Barton, Duo Maxwell

Photosets/Screenshots:

@gundamwing-ellesmith http://gundamwing-ellesmith.tumblr.com/post/162901443984/heero-has-a-problemalso-how-come-hes-so-pale

Heero Yuy

@the-notorious-bhg http://the-notorious-bhg.tumblr.com/post/162922626916/the-notorious-bhg-trowa-asks-the-deep-questions

Trowa Barton, Lady Une

Photo Prompts/Prompts:

@claraxbarton http://claraxbarton.tumblr.com/post/162880110780/so-trowa-resigns-from-preventers-gets-a-van-and

Trowa resigns from Preventers and outfits a bus for camping/travel.

Photo Prompt, Trowa Barton, WuFei Chang

@laurathia http://claraxbarton.tumblr.com/post/162958492310/laurathia-claraxbarton-laurathia

@kangofu-cb https://kangofu-cb.tumblr.com/post/162748269162/14-and-2x5

Prompt response for @chronicwhimsy

2X5

Head Canons:

@chronicwhimsy http://chronicwhimsy.tumblr.com/post/162894399077/chronicwhimsy-i-dont-normally-write

Relena Darlian/Peacecraft

@mariana-oconnor http://chronicwhimsy.tumblr.com/post/162898264127/mariana-oconnor-chronicwhimsy

@renmaxwell http://renmaxwell.tumblr.com/post/162900455221/chronicwhimsy-chronicwhimsy-i-dont-normally

@gundamwing-ellesmith http://gundamwing-ellesmith.tumblr.com/post/162911392631/headcanon-heero-is-prone-to-panic-attacks-yeah#notes

Heero Yuy

@helmistress https://helmistress.tumblr.com/post/162895704609/helmistress-fuck-im-so-lame-just-realized

Waffle topping preferences

Triton Bloom/Trowa Barton, Duo Maxwell, WuFei Chang, Catherine Bloom, Heero Yuy, Mike Howard, Hilde Schbeiker, Sally Po, Lady Une, Lucrezia Noinheim, Quatre Raberba Winner, Relena Darlian/Peacecraft, Zechs Merquise/Milliardo Peacecraft, Treize Khushrenada, Dorothy Catalonia

@morbidbirdy https://preventeragenttrowabloom.tumblr.com/post/162881030530/trowa-headcanonquatre-has-been-teaching-trowa-how

Trowa Barton/Bloom

@the-notorious-bhg http://morbidbirdy.tumblr.com/post/162887618411/the-notorious-bhg

@claraxbarton http://claraxbarton.tumblr.com/post/162952453915/morbidbirdy-the-notorious-bhg

@renmaxwell http://renmaxwell.tumblr.com/post/162880492961/updated-thoughts-on-relena

Relena Darlian/Peacecraft

@the-notorious-bhg http://the-notorious-bhg.tumblr.com/post/162919864586/imo-you-cant-have-an-ic-heero-yuy-unless-he-cares

Heero Yuy, Relena Darlian/Peacecraft

Chats/Dialouges:

@softnocturne https://softnocturne.tumblr.com/post/162918654320/dialouge-prompts-you-loved-them-didnt-you

Heero Yuy, Trowa Barton

Calendar Events:

Gundam Wing Block Party!, @gwblockparty https://gwblockparty.tumblr.com/post/162765659606/gwblockparty-tropes-guidelines-what-a#notes

Entries due September 1st-4th!

Check out the blog for more info and prompt ideas!

Old Art/ “Official Art” that got Love this week:

(In retrospect... this one may be overkill.)

@01xr https://01xr.tumblr.com/post/154685968967/artwork-by-aeolian-harp

Heero Yuy, Relena Darlian/Peacecraft

https://01xr.tumblr.com/post/154641223625/artwork-by-kajika-ono

Heero Yuy, Relena Darlian/Peacecraft

@outofworkshinigami

@fuckyeah01x02 http://fuckyeah01x02.tumblr.com/post/8464953437/a-long-flight-home-by-subomouse

Duo Maxwell, WuFei Chang

@the-notorious-bhg, @rhysgalentalcernunnos

@heartcoma http://heartcoma.tumblr.com/post/108230219410/facetime-with-the-bae-3

Lucrezia Noin, Zechs Merquise

@lifeaftermeteor, @the-notorious-bhg

@luckyxiii http://mmatopgun.tumblr.com/post/88674377864/this-is-too-adorable

Duo Maxwell, Hilde Schbeiker

@outofworkshinigami

@ningyou22 http://ningyou22.tumblr.com/post/44409110068/todo-un-dia-pintando-con-photoshop-o

Heero Yuy, Relena Darlian/Peacecraft

@the-notorious-bhg

@noromax https://noromax.tumblr.com/post/155209544387/d

Duo Maxwell, Heero Yuy, Quatre Raberba Winner, WuFei Chang, Trowa Barton

https://noromax.tumblr.com/post/154898140282/%E3%83%8F%E3%83%83%E3%83%94%E3%83%BC%E3%83%9B%E3%83%AA%E3%83%87%E3%82%A3%E3%82%BA-happy-holidays

Heero Yuy, Relena Darlian/Peacecraft

@outofworkshinigami

Original creator deactivated http://outofworkshinigami.tumblr.com/post/162959451497/althorein-but-my-heart-it-hasnt-changed-a

Relena Darlian/Peacecraft

@outofworkshinigami

@the-notorious-bhg http://the-notorious-bhg.tumblr.com/post/162959265281/the-military-use-of-children-takes-three-distinct

Heero Yuy

@remsyk-blog

http://the-notorious-bhg.tumblr.com/post/162959172921/lady-une-gundam-wing-endless-waltz-gol-scan-and

Lady Une

[behindblueeyes54]

Raising two toddlers & managing your marriage after your parent decides that it's their time to die.

It doesn't seem fair, for anyone but God that is, to make the decision when it's your time to live or die. I sit here almost four months to the anniversary of the call from my Momma telling me my Daddy hadn't made it home from work yet. I knew immediately when she said those words. I felt it in every inch of my body as I sank into the chair I was sitting in that he was gone. Gone from our world forever, that I would never see my Dad ever again. I looked at my husband Eric and I said to him "he's dead, I know it". He answered back with that he was okay and that if he was going to have do something to himself he would have already done it. We continued to go back and forth for a moment and I explained to him that I disagreed. That death wasn't an easy decision, it was something people thought about for days, weeks, months or even years. I knew the suffering my Dad had been going through. My family and I had been trying to help him through his depression for the past several months and this time wasn't like any other time we had ever seen my Dad go through. My Dad suffered from Bipolar disorder, highs and lows with severe depression. This low was different. His physical appearance had changed, he talked differently, he even walked like an older man. Everyone that knew my Dad knew him as this incredibly brave, hardworking, nice guy. All the things that I just said couldn't be more true. The things that everyone didn't know or should I say "who" they didn't know, was the man who suffered from severe depression/ bi polar disorder, multiple suicide attempts and behind those beautiful baby blues a lot of pain. I start driving myself crazy trying to defend this disease that my dad suffered from, this disease that not everyone understands or has compassion for. I think to myself, for all these people know, "my father was some drug addict or Alcoholic" who decided to drive off and end his life. Even if he was that person, it would have been his story and his ending, but it wasn't. On May 24th, my Dad woke up early, took a shower, put on his best, gave my Momma a kiss and hurried his way off to work and seemed better that morning. Unaware as my Momma sat and drank her coffee on the front porch, watching my Dad drive away for the very last time, he drove about 6 miles down the road, pulled into a wooded area and soberly decided he was ready to die. All because of a disease that he had been fighting since he was 23 years old. He was tired and he wanted peace. My Daddy was found around 1am the next morning. I'll never forget the drive to my Momma's after I got the call that I needed to come over because they had news of where they had located his cell phone. I knew what I was driving to my Mom's to hear. I had been up all night, I felt like I could barely see the road. I had to roll every window down in my car, I couldn't breathe. I pulled into the driveway and as soon as my feet hit the pavement as I opened my car door I could hear screams coming from inside the house. The details of your Daddy's death from an officer and a coroner standing in your mother's kitchen don't seem real. I fell to my knees. I laid in my Momma's and Megan's arms and probably threw up more then I have from any stomach virus that I have ever had. It was the worst night of my entire of life. It wasn't like any hurt I could've ever imagine and I felt no sense of peace and haven't since that night. "He seemed better this morning". " Is this really happening?" "Is this real?" "We are dreaming." These are just some of the things we would say all throughout the days we went without sleep from that moment we all laid there in that kitchen floor together. We couldn't even plan his funeral because we were too upset to even begin to think of making arrangements to have him buried. All we could do was just sit together and say "this isn't real." But it was. My Dad chose for it to be that way. We didn't get to say goodbye, to prepare or even get to tell ourselves it was his time because in reality, it wasn't. The last text I sent to my dad just two days before he died..."You are a wonderful person. You made me and are a big part of who I am today. I love you and I will do anything and everything to help you get through this and feel better. There is a path to better days! I promise. I'm praying every day for you and I know that things are going to get better because I know the man you are and you are strong!!! I love you so much, daddy." We later found a book where he wrote prayers asking god for help. Help to overcome his depression. My Daddy was a true believer and I know that all he wanted was peace. I really hope that he has found his peace. For us here, we are left with so much heartache. My Momma has lost her soulmate and best friend, her whole world has been turned upside down. We have lost a father who we loved and depended on. His Mom and Dad have lost a son who they adored. Our babies have lost their Papa. I'm not angry with my Daddy because I know that he was sick. I know that had my dad been well, he would have never put us in this situation. I don't agree with what my Dad did, that's why I want to fight so hard to raise awareness to suicide and make people aware that Mental Illness is a REAL disease. It isn't just an act someone does for attention or some made up disease. It's as real as diabetes, cancer, lupus, or any other disease. I name those diseases because I have people in my family fighting those specifically or have died from them. Just because you can't physically see Mental illness like you can most of the ones I named above, doesn't mean that it doesn't exist. People are just really good at hiding it, like my daddy. I asked my Momma the other day "How could something like this happen to our family?" We have already been through so much and now this." Lately I've starting questioning everything, about God and why didn't he save my Dad when he asked and prayed for help? I've even wondered if I was being punished. My momma and I continued to talk about how we felt like we had tried to live and be good people and we just didn't understand. I am a stay at home mom and I'm raising a 19 month old boy and almost 3 year old girl, with a husband who travels a few days through the week. I used to think life was hard, but now trying to be a happy mom while I'm mourning my Dad's suicide feels like I've entered an obstacle course every morning. I'm hiding in corners, or the laundry from my daughter trying not to let her see me cry because she's started to brush my hair to the side and say "Mommy's sad." I don't want her to remember me that way. It's not fair to her. I find myself some nights sitting at the dinner table, the kids , Eric and I. We will be laughing hysterically at the kids and I feel it...that brief moment when peace slowly creeps in and I feel happy. I have forgotten about all the bad and I'm totally in that moment with my family and I'm happy. Then it happens...I remember, My Daddy's dead and I'm sitting here laughing. I have this overwhelming feeling of guilt and my eyes will fill up with tears and I have to get up from the dinner table because I don't want to ruin the moment. I've lost my joy and I know that Eric see's it. I feel guilty for being so sad. I feel guilty when I'm happy. Guilt is a word I've become very familiar with. I know you all must think I'm a horrible Mom, wife, person. That I should be counting my blessings, focusing on the good. The truth is I'm stuck. I'm still stuck in that same moment I was in 4 months ago, sitting on floor of my momma and daddy's kitchen. I see my Daddy driving, I see him pull over, walk into the woods, and I see him die. I hurt for him. I hurt for my Momma and worry so much about what the future holds for her. People keep telling us that time will help, it will heal us! But time has actually been harder on us. In two months it will be half a year that my Daddy died and even writing that seems unfathomable. Sometimes I pray at night that I will wake up the next morning and I will be in the hospital and I will have woken up from being badly sick and I have dreamed all of this. It's not a dream though, it's real. It's real every time I drive home and I pass by where he is buried and my stomach twist and turns until I feel sick. How can my Dad's body really be there? Why isn't he at home with my mom? Why did he leave us? I wish that I had some kind of wonderful scripture or words of wisdom for this kind of situation, but I don't. I know that loosing a loved one, any loved one is devastating. No loss is easy. Loosing someone who chose to leave you, who chose to die; leaves a different type of devastation behind. A kind that cannot all be explained in a blog. I miss my Daddy and when he died it impacted our family so horribly. His pain is now ours. We are not the only family right now going through this exact situation. There are families loosing their young children from depression, their moms, dads, brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles, cousins. I've had so many people reach out to me all over the world with their stories and it's heartbreaking. People may judge me for being too open or too vocal, but hiding the truth about real life situations isn't something I'm okay with anymore. Suicide is claiming lives everyday! Some statistics for you. Suicide claims more lives than war, murder, and natural disasters combined. Currently, suicide is the 10th leading cause of death in the United States. A person dies by suicide about every 11.9 minutes in the United States. Every day, approximately 121 Americans take their own life. Ninety percent of all people who die by suicide have a diagnosable psychiatric disorder at the time of their death. A lot of these people are just kids. I feel that I owe it to my Daddy and others out there, that might not even be aware of what's going on with them, to share the effects that suicide has on a family. That there is help, there is a solution other then DECIDING to die. DECIDE to live.

[aaronpullinteeth]

Get To Know Me:

Found a list of questions online....I’m bored.....so here we go:

1. What’s your philosophy in life?

Don’t judge a person by the box they tick, judge them on if they’re an asshole or not.

2. What’s the one thing you would like to change about yourself?

My hairline.

3. Are you religious or spiritual?

Nope.

4. Do you consider yourself an introvert or an extrovert?

More of an extrovert nowadays.

5. Which parent are you closer to and why?

My mom. Since I haven’t seen my dad in about 10 years.

6. What was the best phase in your life?

The middle point of my college life I’d say. End of first year and start of second year.

7. What was the worst phase in your life?

I was aged about 13 - 14 years old. I lost my grandfather and my dad and I had a huge fight and he kicked me out so I ended up losing half of my family, my half siblings and most of my life. 

8. Is what you’re doing now what you always wanted to do growing up?

No. I never saw myself doing this. Plus as a kid I wanted to be Spider-Man.

9. What makes you feel accomplished?

Seeing people smile.

10. What’s your favorite book/movie of all time and why did it speak to you so much?

The Crow. Something about the dark, gothic aesthetic and cool story, the music...just everything really. Watch it if you haven’t.

11. What is a relationship deal breaker for you?

Someone being intolerant (racist, sexist, homophobic etc)

12. Are you more into looks or brains?

A bit of both, but neither matter if the person is an asshole.

13. Would you ever take back someone who cheated?

I did once. It was a bad idea.

14. How do you feel about sharing your password with your partner?

On the one hand, I don’t mind it, since I don’t hide things, but on the other hand, you should trust your partner enough for them to have their own space, if you don’t trust them enough to have their own space like that, then the relationship isn’t gonna work. 

15. When do you think a person is ready for marriage?

.....when they say they’re ready? I don’t know. There isn’t one thing where you can say “That’s it, you have passed the Ready For Marriage” test.

16. What kind of parent do you think you will be?

Honestly, I have no idea. Hopefully a good one. I mean, I have the textbook template of what not to do in my dad.

17. What would you do if your parents didn’t like your partner?

Already been there. Just accept it. Since my mom trusts me enough to, as she puts it “make your own stupid mistakes”

18. Who is that one person you can talk to about just anything?

An old friend of mine from school.

19. Do you usually stay friends with your exes?

I have done before. Depends on the ex and how it ended.

20. Have you ever lost someone close to you?

Yes I have. A fair few people.

21. If you are in a bad mood, do you prefer to be left alone or have someone to cheer you up?

Depends what’s happened, but usually I prefer to be left alone.

22. What’s an ideal weekend for you?

Staying in all weekend and gaming, eating shitty food and never having to get dressed.

23. What do you think of best friends of the opposite sex?

I think I’d say my best friend is the opposite sex.

24. Do you judge a book by its cover?

Everyone does. The important thing is being open to having that judgment changed once you get to know what’s on the inside.

25. Are you confrontational?

In a way, not in an aggressive manor.

26. When was the last time you broke someone’s heart?

I think about a year ago.

27. Would you relocate for love?

I’d consider it.

28. Did you ever write a journal?

No. But I write lyrics which are usually based on my mindset at the time so... kinda, I guess.

29. What are you most thankful for?

Punk rock and dogs.

30. Do you believe in second chances?

Sadly, I do.

31. What’s the one thing that people always misunderstand about you?

A lot of people think I’m gay. I don’t mind when people think I am. It’s not an insult. I’m not, however.

32. What is your idea of a perfect vacation?

A cottage in the countryside of Scotland

33. What did your past relationship teach you?

Don’t ever get with someone because you think it’ll be easier.

34. What are your thoughts on online dating or tinder?

It’s just a newer way of finding people. Just be careful with it.

35. What’s on your bucket list this year?

Well this year is almost over so I’m gonna count this for next year and say: Go to more concerts and get back in shape.

36. When have you felt your biggest adrenaline rush?

Playing live on stage.

37. What is the craziest thing you’ve ever done and would you do it again?

Depends on your definition of crazy, I guess. Some would say playing music on stage, some would say streaking on the street for a dare, some would say having to “sing” Monster Mash on stage for a play, when I cannot sing to save my life, some would say walking through the streets dressed as an old woman....take your pick. And yes, I’d do all of those again.

38. If a genie granted you 3 wishes right now, what would you wish for?

More money. The chance to play in a band again. For my mom’s cancer to be cured.

39. What’s your biggest regret in life?

Being too shy to take the risks in life I should have. I’m not that way anymore, but there are a fair few chances I missed in the past because of it.

40. What do you think about when you’re by yourself?

Usually pro-wrestling or punk rock.

41. Does your job make you happy?

When you really get to help someone, then yes.

42. What did you want to be when you were younger?

Spider-Man

43. Why did your last relationship end?

A number of reasons. But deep down, I didn’t love the girl.

45. What’s been your biggest mistake so far in life and what did you learn from it?

Letting someone back into my life after they treated me like shit. I learned not to let someone back into your life after they treated you like shit.

46. Where is your favorite place in the entire world to go?

Oddly specifically, there’s a pub at the very bottom of the massive hill in Robin Hood’s Bay that over looks the sea. Being in the beer garden of that pub, sitting on the wall, looking over the sea....it’s the most at peace I have ever felt whenever I’ve been there.

47. What are your top five favorite movies?

The Crow, The Dark Knight, 10 Things I Hate About You, Guardians Of The Galaxy, Toy Story 2.

48. What are some of your favorite songs?

Basically anything by The Wonder Years, Bowling For Soup or Blink182.

49. What qualities do you admire about your parents?

Nothing about my dad. The work ethic, optimism and open mindedness of my mother.

50. How would you describe your best friend?

Fucking awesome and my rock.

51. What’s your favorite hobby to do alone?

Writing.

52. What’s something you can’t go a day without doing?

Breathing...it’s important......ok, seriously, it’s cuddling with my dog.

53. What’s the most spontaneous thing you’ve done lately?

I’m not sure....it’s been a while since I’ve had the chance to do anything truly spontaneous.

54. What’s the craziest thing you’ve ever done for love?

Ran away.

55. What’s your biggest pet peeve?

Ignorance.

56. Why do you think you’re still single?

I don’t get out enough. And possibly my face.

57. What accomplishment are you most proud of?

My band’s album.

58. What is one dream you have yet to accomplish?

Get to have an actual wrestling match.

59. What is your greatest fear?

The Birdseye Stuffed Bear.

60. What are three things you value most about a person?

A sense of humor, open mindedness and the ability to talk about utter bullshit at all hours.

61. Who are five people you are closest with?

Currently I’d say there are only 3 and they know who they are.

62. What is the greatest struggle you’ve overcome?

Losing half of my family.

63. If you could live anywhere in the world where would it be?

Either in America (somewhere like New York) or in the middle of the Scottish countryside.

64. What’s the most exciting thing that’s happened this past year?

To me? Probably going to see NXT UK live.

65. What’s your favorite beer?

More of a whiskey drinker to be honest.

66. What’s one thing that bothers you most about the world today?

The political landscape.

67. Who are you closer with your mom or your dad?

Mom.

68. If you could change one thing about yourself what would it be?

I’m sure I answered this already, but my hairline. I miss having long hair.

69. If you could change one thing about the world what would it be?

The political landscape.

70. Who was your favorite teacher and why?

Mr Hope. He was my teacher in Maths when I was in year 9. He had the best sense of humor and somehow made it so Maths wasn’t the most boring thing in the world.

71. What sport did you fall in love with?

Pro-Wrestling

72. What is the weirdest thing about you?

Almost everything about me is a little weird. Maybe the fact that the bones in my wrist pop in and out of their sockets.

73. What was your longest relationship?

Not that long to be honest, 4 or 5 months.

74. What would your best friend say is your best quality?

She once told me my best quality is that I’m “quirky”

75. Who is your favorite historical figure?

If it counts, Kurt Cobain.

76. What made you choose the college you went to?

It was accessible and offered the courses I wanted? Isn’t that why everyone chooses a college?

77. If you could tell your former self one thing right now what would it be?

Take those chances.

78. What food could you not live without?

I think I could give up any item of food if I had to.

79. Dogs or Cats?

Dogs, but I love both.

80. What’s closest you’ve ever come to being arrested?

Not sure. 

81. What was your best birthday?

I’m not much of a birthday person so I don’t often do much. 

82. What’s one thing you wish you knew how to do?

Play guitar.

83. Where’s one place you’d like to go that you haven’t been?

America. (I know it’s huge, but I haven’t been anywhere in America so...)

84. What was the last book you read? And When?

Batman - Death Of The Family, about a week ago.

85. Where do you usually get your news?

The internet or at work.

86. What are some of your own personal goals in the next 5 years?

Get in shape. Move forward in my job. I don’t know. I don’t like looking too far ahead.

87. What would you consider your greatest accomplishment so far?

Again, pretty sure you’ve asked this. Recording an album with my band.

88. If you could get away with anything that you do?

I think the grammar failed here.... not sure. 

89. Who is your greatest hero?

My mother.

90. What’s the greatest risk you’ve ever taken?

Up rooting my life and moving miles away to start a new one.

91. Why are we here?

Our parents got busy and well.... 9 months later.

92. If heaven is real and you died tomorrow, would you get in?

Probably not.

93. Do you believe in fate?

No.

94. How do you think people see you?

With their eyes..... oh, you mean metaphorically? Likely as an idiot.

95. If you had the ability to erase something that you did in the past, what would it be?

Letting someone back in.

96. What song makes you unconditionally happy?

My dog.

97. If you could have anybody else’s life, who’s would you take?

I wouldn’t. What’s the point in wishing you were someone else? These are the cards you’re dealt, do the best you can with them.

98. What fictional character do you most relate to?

Jason Todd.

99. If I asked you at age 5 what you wanted to be when you grew up, what would you say?

You’ve asked this already....again. Spider-Man

100. What is your biggest irrational fear?

Again....you’ve asked this. The Birdseye Stuffed Bear.

101. If you could take us anywhere in the world right now, where would you take us?

Right now? At this exact moment? Where’s RAW being held tonight? 

102. What is your biggest regret?

I had a chance once to apply for a wrestling school and I didn’t take it.

103. If you died tomorrow, what would you wish you had done?

See the above.

104. Can you pin point the moment in your life where you were the happiest?

The first time I got to perform Dammit by Blink182 live on stage infront of an actual audience.

105. What song makes you unconditionally sad?

Elvis Presley - An American Trilogy. It was my granddad’s fav song and was played at his funeral.

106. If past lives are real, what was yours?

I’d like to think i’m brand new.

107. Have you ever seen something you can’t explain?

Pretty often.

108. What is your biggest accomplishment?

You’ve asked this 3 times.

109. If you could do one thing without suffering the consequences, what would you do?

Punch a certain someone in the face......with a brick.

110. What is the strangest dream you’ve ever had?

That I was a sentient tree and couldn’t move anywhere but I was able to make sarcastic comments at everyone who walked by.

111. What is the darkest thought you’ve ever had? What about the darkest thing you’ve never told anybody?

I once saw a baby crying on a bus and I thought to myself “I wonder how far the baby would go if I punted it” And I haven’t told people a lot of dark things I hear daily at work.

112. Is there something out there, a thought, an idea, a current event, or a fear that you find deeply unsettling?

The political landscape

113. What would you consider to be your deepest fear? (This question can be really telling of the depth or lack thereof of a person.)

You’ve asked this question so many times already!

114. Is there an activity that calms you? A place or a thing that makes you feel at ease?

Hugging my dog while watching wrestling.

115. What makes you feel uneasy? Overwhelmed? Anxious?

The political landscape....I mean, we’re on the verge of World War 3 here.

116. What is your favorite song and why?

Peaces - Sum41. It’s just..... too relatable. 

117. Do you have a favorite book? A line in a piece of literature? A poem? Why do you relate to it?

“ All it takes is one bad day to reduce the sanest man alive to lunacy. That's how far the world is from where I am. Just one bad day.”  - Batman: The Killing Joke

It just speaks to me on how close you can be to breaking. You have to try and be the best person you can be, always.

118. What scene in a movie has evoked the most feelings out of you?

More a scene from a TV show, rather than a film, but...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GN5Yv8Hfk_o

Excuse the shitting quality.

119. What do you do or where do you go when you need to be alone?

I go home and stick headphones on.

120. What makes you feel like you need to be alone?

Usually after work.

121. Can you remember a time in your life you felt the most alive? Tell me everything about that memory.

Being on stage, playing a live performance with my band. It was just living a dream.

122. When have you felt the lowest in your life?

Likely about 3 years ago. I had just lost a job, my neighbors were bullying me to the point I was terrified of leaving my house and I had just let someone back into my life that decided to try and wreck it again.

123. Where have you felt the most failure? The most success?

See above for failure. Most success was when my band’s album got online and I could see that people where actually listening to it and like it.

124. Tell me about the facts or harsh truths you choose to ignore but know you shouldn’t.

That one person was extremely bad news.

125. When have you felt like you were living life to the fullest? When have you felt like you weren’t?

I think I’ve answered this already.

126. What is the first lie you ever told? Which is the biggest?

I can’t remember my first lie....I was likely about 3 years old. Biggest? I told someone I loved them when I didn’t.

127. What is the first secret you ever kept from anybody? Which is the biggest?

Not sure about first but biggest might have been that a girl cheated on her boyfriend with me multiple times.

128. Are you a religious or spiritual person? Tell me why and tell me how.

No I’m not and because it just doesn’t make sense to me.

129. Have you always had the same political beliefs? Is there something that impacted them?

Yeah, I have always felt the same.

130. Where do you find meaning in your life?

Writing, creating and friends

131. Have you ever been in love? Tell me about the times you have been.

Yes I have. Once. I’m not going to go into the details but let’s just say, she didn’t feel the same way and kinda just used me.

132. Tell me about the times someone broke your heart.

See above.

133. Why did you cry the last time you did so?

Last time I really really cried was when I found out my mom has cancer.

134. Have you ever cried tears of joy?

Once.

135. What did you do when you hurt someone the most?

Ended a relationship I wasn’t truly invested in and I didn’t feel even close to the same way, so I know it was the right thing to do but she didn’t see it that way.

136. If your life was a movie or a book what would be the title to it?

I’d like to think it would be named after one of my songs....maybe Swallow Me Whole

137. When have you caused the most harm to yourself?

Mentally or physically? Mentally, well, as I’ve already said, letting someone back in. Physically....I guess from drumming so much I’ve fucked my wrists

138. What has been the biggest change you ever made that made you the most proud of yourself?

Fighting against being so shy.

139. Think about the people you love the most in your life, what do you do for them?

I like to think I make them laugh and I’m always here when they need me. Just at the end of the phone. 

140. Is home for you a place or a feeling? Describe that place or describe that feeling.

I’d say it’s more a feeling of true comfort.

141. If you could be anywhere other than where you are right now, where would you be and what would you be looking at?

Right now? Where’s RAW being held tonight?

142. Have you ever questioned your sanity and why?

All the time. You should see the characters I create.

143. What is your most cherished childhood memory?

Sitting in the car with my mom for hours singing Bon Jovi.

144. Have you ever had dreams about a past life?

Not that I can remember.

145. Do you have any recurring dreams or nightmares?

Yeah, I have a couple.

146. Do you believe more in fate or that we are the creators of our own destinies because we are governed by free will?

Creators of our own destinies. I mean, sure, you can’t change the hand you’re dealt, but what you do with that hand is 100% down to you.

147. Do you believe in extraterrestrial life? Elaborate on why or why not.

I do. There’s just no way that we are alone in the universe. The fact that the universe is ever expanding and evolving, that shows that there must be life out there other than on our planet.

148. Would you find more comfort in the theoretical idea that that we were the most advanced species in outer space or would you find more comfort in the idea that we weren’t?

That we weren’t. Because if we are the mos advanced, the universe is fucked. I like to think we will always have something to learn.

149. What would be your thought process if you were presented with irrefutable evidence that a god didn’t exist? What would be your thought process if you were presented with irrefutable evidence that a god did exist?

Evidence that a God doesn’t exist - Well I’m right.

Evidence that a God does exist - Sweet. Where have you been all this time, asshole?

150. What do you think was there before the universe came into creation?

....Nothing....

151. Do you believe in other dimensions and parallel universes?

I’d like to. I love the concept that every decision you make branches off into another dimension where the opposite call was made. I find that fascinating. 

152. How do you define art?

Expression in the form of creation

153. If you could have the option of eradicating pain from your life would you choose to do so? Why or why not?

No, to quote Butters from South Park (of all characters) “ Well yeah, and I'm sad, but at the same time I'm really happy that something could make me feel that sad. It's like, it makes me feel alive, you know? It makes me feel human. And the only way I could feel this sad now is if I felt somethin' really good before. So I have to take the bad with the good, so I guess what I'm feelin' is like a, beautiful sadness. I guess that sounds stupid.”

154. Is a life exclusive to pleasure (no suffering) worthwhile?

Nope.

155. What do you think happens after death, if anything?

Honestly, I think nothing happens. I think you just die....that’s it. End of. Game over. Roll credits. Blank screen.

156. If you could be given the date of your death would you want to know it?

No.

157. Presented with the opportunity to be immortal would you take it?

I can see ups and downs to it. I think I’d go for yes

158. Would you rather be loved or love?

Can’t choose both? If I had to pick, I’d rather love.

159. How do you define beauty?

Something so nice it makes you feel good in some way.

160. Where does happiness come from? Define what happiness means to you.

Feeling fulfilled by something.

161. Do you believe yourself to be truly free? If so, why? If not, what is holding you back?

In a way, yes. But the way society works, you’re not truly 100% free due to the need to earn money for food, shelter and comfort.

162. Deja-vu: is there anything to it or merely coincidence

Coincidence I’d say.

163. What was your father or mother like at home? How does he or she act different outside of family?

My mom acts a lot more relaxed at home. My dad was an asshole at home and tried to come across as a decent person in public.

164. If you were given a choice to choose your manner of death, how would you die?

In a blaze of glory.

165. Tell me a really, really stupid joke that made you laugh.

I JUST KICKED STAN!

166. Pick two out of physical chemistry, lifestyle compatibility, emotional compatibility and intellectual compatibility.

Emotional Compatibility & Lifestyle Compatibility 

167. If you were forced to vote for one the biggest dictators of history, (Hitler, Mussolini, Mugabe, Mao, Saddam or Stalin), which one would you pick and why?

How’s about none? How are they gonna force me?

168. Show me a music track or a scene from a film that made you tear up.

I already did this.

169. If you could have any animal in the world as a pet, what would it be and why?

Just more dogs.

170. If you were given a chance to explore the oceans, go to outer space or visit 50 different countries, which one you choose and why?

The countries, to see all the different cultures and ways of life.

171. Do you think that men are more rational and women are more emotional?

Nope. I think it doesn’t make a difference what gender you are. It’s who you are as a person.

172. Out of the negative emotions of greed, anger, jealousy and hate, which one would you say affects you the most?

Anger.

173. Out of the positive emotions of compassion, positivity, enthusiasm and initiative, which one is your biggest strength?

Compassion

174. If you could be President of your country for an hour, what is the one thing that you would change?

Brexit.

175. Describe your best first kiss.

Spontaneous, passionate and likely a mistake.

176. Has another’s pain ever given you joy? Be totally honest.

Yes.

177. Tell me your biggest strength outside of your workplace.

Creativity, I guess.

178. If you were given a choice to turn into a zombie or to die, which would you pick?

Die.

179. If you had to pick one, what is the most important value you would teach your children? Honesty, Kindness or Courage?

Kindness.

180. Are you health conscious?

Less so than I should be.

181. Name the one bad quality you wouldn’t mind in a partner.

Being untidy because so am I.

182. Name the one worst quality you cannot tolerate in a partner.

Intolerance.... ironically.

183. Tell me your biggest supernatural or paranormal fear?

Don’t think I have one.

184. If you got a free cheque for $5,000 right this second, how would you use it?

Pay some bills and likely go and take my mom out for a meal and then split the rest up between the closest people to me.

185. Name one really surprising thing that set your heart pumping and gave you an adrenaline rush.

Nothing really surprising has. Just the stuff you’d expect.

186. Tell me about the time you were so embarrassed in love, you wished you could disappear right there and then.

Anytime you confess to someone and they laugh at you.

187. Have you ever been unable to sleep? What do you do with your time then?

Fairly often. Usually game

188. Tell me about your biggest love regret that made you wish you could turn back time?

I don’t ever really wish to go back in time. 

189. Do you believe in materialism or spirituality?

I believe in them, I am, however, neither of them.

190. If you were forced to pick one religion on this planet, which one would it be and why?

In all honesty, I’d pick atheism. It would force people to actually live their life for themselves and their closest family & friends, not a being that may or may not exist. Also it would eliminate one of the biggest reasons for war throughout history.

191. What is the most romantic and loving thing you have ever done for somebody?

I’m not sure what other’s would say, but to be, I’ve wrote someone a song.

192. What is the most adventurous thing you have ever done in your life?

I’m not sure....I guess the fact I was someone’s art project once.

193. What’s your day-to-day mantra?

Be a good person;

194. What quote resonates with you more than any other?

There’s only ever going to be one you, don’t make that one you an asshole.

195. What’s your anti-motto?

Errrmmmm..... Everything is awesome?

196. What trait do you envy in others?

The ability to play guitar

197. What skill do you wish you had?

See above.

198. How do you wish to be remembered?

As a decent person....and kinda funny.

199. How would your best friend describe you in five words?

Quirky, funny, drumming, idiot....five.

200. How would you summarize your life purpose?

To make people happy, I guess.

[hollywoodx4]

Sticking With the Schuylers (20)

I’m not even going to introduce this chapter with a note. I’m just going to leave it here. That’s when you know.

1  2  3  4   5   6   7   8   9   10   11   12   I   13  14   15   16   17   18A  18B   18C  I   19 

In this chapter, Thanksgiving is approaching...

My sweet baby boy,

Today, you are twelve years old. You’re gangly, all limbs and nothing more. You have tiny bits of muscle starting to show-mostly in your legs. You also have this crazy, unruly hair that you’ll never let me do anything with. I hope that in your older days, you’ll at least have the decency to comb your hair before you leave the house.

Today, my baby, you are twelve years old. And yes, you are still my baby. I can see it, sometimes, in the way you ask to be tucked in. You never use your words; there’s an expression on your face, one that calls me to your cot until I watch the relief flood through your body. You still need to be tucked in, but you never sleep. Mijo, I tell you every night that your eyes are too heavy and your body too small to carry atop it the weight of both of our worlds. But every morning I wake and you have gone, off to the market to find more food-or supplies-things we need that I am now much too weak to gather myself.

I have pretended to be fine for you every day since your father left us. You are perceptive.

Today, my little man, you are twelve years old. Your soul is centuries older. You have a sense of self-discipline that matches only the oldest and wisest of men I have seen, who have fought the war that is a lifetime on this earth and in the confines of this country. You are too brilliant to be wasting this wisdom on living the rest of your life here.

Today, it is your twelfth birthday. We gathered the ingredients for a small cake to share tonight. You’ve gone to play baseball with your friends by the river. Before sundown we’ll share the cake with them-you’ll get your wish. And then I’ll tuck you into bed once more. I’ll take a moment for my own wish as I watch your eyelids flutter from exhaustion after a carefree day. Today will be one of the few times you’ll sleep. It will be one of the only days you’ve allowed yourself a childhood.

My strong, kind, persistent Alexander…today you are twelve, and I am dying. You don’t believe me, but I can feel the life slipping away from my body in pieces, and although I love you with my entire soul I cannot bear to fight much longer in this battle I know I will not win. So this year, I only have one wish for you. In your lifetime, you are meant to do something better, to be something better. I hope only happiness for you; that for a moment in your life you are able to experience pieces of the childhood happiness that your father and I ripped from you so unfairly. I wish that you keep your protective, loving soul. I pray you stay humble in your nature and persistent toward your dreams.

For you, my baby, I wish nothing but a lifetime of happiness.

I love you very much-I will always love you.

Mom

               Alexander tucks the letter back into its nook-an old cloth pouch with a fraying drawstring, fabric littered with tears and imperfections. He lets his fingers run over them; memories are built into their ridges. If he presses the soft mauve fabric to his cheek he can almost hear the calls of his friends-the crack of a torn-up baseball on a wooden bat. Bare feet against rough sand, which track an incredible odor through the house at the end of the day. Alexander can feel the sensation of too-cold water on his feet as he’s begged-for the millionth time-to keep them clean. His mother’s voice is a cool jazz trumpet; tenacious when excited, flowing and collected in conversation.

               He misses that sound.

               There’s something about the falling of leaves-the changing of seasons-that leaves Alexander feeling unsettled and craving his mother’s voice once more.  She hadn’t passed until after his birthday, in January, yet there were certain days where things were harder, regardless of the season or the closeness to specific dates.

               Growing up in the Caribbean Alexander had never celebrated Thanksgiving. He’d never really even known about it fully until he’d moved here, and suddenly the train stations and bus stops in New York City were full  of people coming and going, always a larger mob than usual. And then he had asked Laurens about it that first year, when he’d first moved to America. They’d been roommates even then-Laurens was his first friend in the country, the one who’d always been there for him. They’d shared everything; a bathroom, the cramped dorm room with cold, dirty tiled floors. Their first night sharing a room they’d stayed up late using the clanging of their broken AC as a beatboxing machine to freestyle to. They’d even had bunk beds once (it only lasted a week) when they’d had the idea of using their floor space to set up a dart board or plastic basketball hoop. Their dreams were shattered by Alex’s tossing on the top bunk and Laurens’ little snores.

               But they’d managed, finding compromise after compromise until their room became the most harmonious place for their friend group. And then they’d welcomed Herc and Laff when they’d gotten roped into one of their crazy hijinks, pranking a person who lived next to Lafayette who’d been a little too noisy the past few days. From there it became history, the four never known without each other.

               It’s the memories that help Alex carry on; to adjust to life in America-life without his mother, or his past trailing and taunting him. Life seems to carry on here as seamlessly as if he’d lived here his entire life thanks to the friends that he’d made. There are only some cultural barriers he still has to overcome-Thanksgiving being a big one.

               His first Thanksgiving had been spent-almost involuntarily-with John Laurens and his very large and loud Puerto Rican family. John had been talking about the event for the entire month before, Alex never batting an eye to the holiday’s name. It wasn’t until his roommate had asked about his own plans that Alex had to admit that he had nothing; Thanksgiving wasn’t something he’d celebrated before, and didn’t seem like something he’d be interested in. It had always been him and his mother; a quiet, balanced household. And then it was his cousin, and then the foster family…silent.

               Thanksgiving with the Laurens family was always something to experience.

               They were loud; rambunctious. They liked music that rocked the house and food that turned his tongue to flame; cooking together in a kitchen crowded with warm bodies, cups of alcohol, and the heat of the oven. It was something completely different to his own upbringing but as the years grew he returned. Alex became familiar with the family, the dancing, the food…in time he nearly grew to like Thanksgiving-to crave the crazy night ahead to the family that had welcomed him with opened arms.

               Which is why he now found himself to be in a monumental predicament.

               It began on a Sunday; he was in the library, taking up nearly an entire table with papers splayed out around him and a pencil tucked behind his ear. Alexander pressed keys on his laptop, squinting his eyes and pushing stray locks of hair from his face as he attempted complete concentration. His lips moved in a flurry of disconnected thoughts, ones that he would jot down on random corners of loose leaf paper every so often.

               When Eliza found him he was sitting cross-legged in the uncomfortable wooden chair, elbow propped on the table and head bent in concentration. She hovered at the library door, a sparing number of students around, to watch him work. Her heart swelled watching him, the way his fingers met the hem on the arm of his favorite sweater, where it had already begun to strain from repetitive action. She could tell that he was nearly ready for a break by the way his hand held a slight tremor when he wrote; the way he fidgeted in his chair, antsy although he’d never admit defeat. So Eliza took his body language as her cue, crossing the library before running a hand along his back, sitting in the empty chair next to him.

               “Is this seat taken?” He looks up from his work and feels himself immediately lighten, uncrossing his legs and reaching over to kiss her.

               “Ooh, this is awkward. I was just waiting for Burr-we were going to go walking in the park, maybe stop by and see his sister…what was her name again?”

               “Very funny.” She shakes her head, laughing. And then Eliza brings her fingers to her mouth, touching the tips of them to her lips as her eyes wander the room. He doesn’t notice at first, busy with packing his things. But when he looks up he straightens in his chair a bit, pausing in his task.

               “So, I have a question for you.” She draws out her words as though they’re difficult to say, moving her hand to the back of her neck. Eliza lets it linger there for a moment, and when he asks her for clarification she groans, closing her eyes and speaking through slightly parted lips.

               “mydadwantsyoutocomeforthanksgiving.”

               “What?”

               “My dad wants you to come for Thanksgiving-good, there, it’s been said.” Alexander is completely still. His heart begins to race, pounding against his chest as her words repeat through his mind-mostly, my dad. He imagines Phillip Schuyler, rich politician known for being protective of his three daughters more than anything else, meeting him. His hands reach up to adjust his hair involuntarily at the thought.

               “I know it’s a lot but he mentioned my leaving brunch last weekend so I was telling him the half-truth of the story and your name came up. I panicked, Angelica saved me because she’s mentioned you a few times too…basically, my dad likes Thanksgiving to be a big affair. He was saying how much he’d love to meet a friend of ours. I said I didn’t know if you had any plans and he was insisting that you come.”

               Alexander still doesn’t answer. He’s caught by the scenarios in his head; of the thought of her father’s eyes staring him down, judging him. It made his blood run cold through his veins, his hand reaching slyly for the cube in his pocket as he attempted to calm his heart’s rapid beating.

               “-And then, I thought it might not be a bad idea. Do you-have any plans for Thanksgiving?”

               “I uh, I usually go to John’s house. Every year since I moved here, actually. They’re kind of the family I have here.”  

               “Oh, okay. That’s great, I’m glad you have them.” One thing Alexander has learned about Eliza in the time they have been dating is that she is excellent at deceit; not wrongful, hurtful deceit, but at putting on a show when she’s not pleased with something. She has this face she makes. The corners of her lips turn up in a smile but her eyes do not come to meet it. She’s poise; always poised, and polite. He can read through her-eyes without their usual shine, posture that’s just a little too straight. She’s putting on her show for him, and today it begins both a simmering and a sinking feeling within his bones.

               “Eliza,” He takes pause to read her expression again, dubious. “Do you want me to come?”

               “Alexander it’s alright, it’s fine.”

               “You do, you’re trying to make me feel better. I can see that you want me to, I know you.”

               “Okay, so I do. I want you to come. But I’m not going to make you change your plans for me.”

               “You know I want you to be happy.”

               “It’s just,” She scans the room, then, eyes searching as she suddenly realizes how quiet and public of a space they’re in. She rises from her chair. “Can we not have this conversation here?”

               “Okay-yeah, sure.” He follows in her steps, each movement increasing the rapid of his blood flow; the unease he’s begun to feel. It courses from his head to his toes, lifting through his knees as they bend with his walk, his hands as his fingers intertwine with hers. He can feel her own anxieties, too, from the loose grip on his hand and the slightly larger distance subconsciously kept between them.

               They find their way to her room.

               Neither wants to start the conversation; the space has an air of both nerves and awkward silence between them. She makes her way into the kitchenette, bringing them both back a glass of water. For a moment she just stares into the cup, watching the condensation gathering on the outside of the glass. It feels cool on her hands. Eliza traces the droplets until they’ve formed one large one, falling down the outside of the cup and onto the knee of her tights.

               “I want you to meet my father.” The words fall heavy in the air between them. She can barely hear the audible intake of air from Alexander, but it’s there. His fingers rub circles on the hem of his sweater. He looks down at his hands.

               “Okay.”

               “I think…it’s just-it’s important to me. I don’t want to have to keep ‘kind of sort of’ lying to him anymore.”

               Alexander nods but says nothing; above her voice there are 500 of his own in his mind, coursing rough and feverish, telling him all sorts of things. And within every though there’s a vision, an image of what it would be like to meet Phillip Schuyler. To shake his firm hand with his own shaking one in introduction-to prove himself. He’d have to answer questions, then, about everything. In conversation just this week, Church had mentioned the process; the endless conversations, and just how in-depth the man would get.

               How would Phillip Schuyler feel about his daughter dating a penniless immigrant?

               And even if-by some form of a miracle-he accepted Alexander…would he accept the truth that he was so surely in love with her? Would he allow it? And then, one more glaringly obvious thought shoots to the front of his mind like a bullet, hard and fast.

               “Shit, this relationship is going to have to go public at some point.” His tone is fast and incredulous; a darker timbre settling in. Eliza sits up in her chair, tipping her head slightly at his words.

               “Is that….is that going to be a problem?”

               “No, it’s just-well, yes. But,”

               “-This is my life, Alexander. As stupid as it is to live like this, it is what it is. I accepted a long time ago that I’d have to share pieces of my life that I might not want to. For my father…for the sake of his dream, and his goals. It’s a big deal. It’s a huge piece of my life.”

               “I know, I know.”

               “Making my father happy means a lot to me.”    

               “I just-I don’t know if I’m ready for all of that.”

               “Okay…Alright.” Eliza rises from the couch then, visibly upset. She swallows back a lump in her throat.

               A piece of Eliza, within the depths of herself, understands. She sees it as what it is, is willing to accept it. But the other part-the ruling, headstrong, emotional piece-feels a pain in her heart at his rejection of the idea. In one moment she’d had an entire vision of her future laid out in front of her, a course they’d take together.

               She’d introduce him to her father. He’d sit between her and Angelica at dinner. He’d tell her father about himself and he’d be accepted-won over. They’d be happy. She could begin her new chapter with him by her side. She wouldn’t have to hide things anymore. And he’d be there, for the most important holiday in her father’s mind, for the first time of many. He’d be there to erase her memories-to give her comfort, and to make new ones.

               Her heart sinks as it’s let down, and suddenly she finds the atmosphere to be overwhelming; it’s the first time she’s wanted to be alone to her own comfort while he’s been there. The first time she hasn’t sought him out, but herself. She turns, looking down at his figure on the couch with rounded, glossy eyes.

               “Eliza,”

               “Can I just-I need to be alone right now. To think things out, y’know?”

               “I didn’t mean,”

               “I know. I know you didn’t.” She reaches for his arm, putting a gentle hand on the space below his elbow in comfort-reassurance. It doesn’t work as well as she’d like, for Alexander’s eyes still bare a cocktail of hurt and discomfort-an anxiety she can’t ignore yet can’t quite talk about at this moment. Now, she just wants silence. To be alone with her thoughts. “I understand. I just need a minute.”

               “Okay.” He rises from the couch, her hand still on his arm as his other finds her waist, pulling her in for the slightest brushing of lips. She sighs into the contact. She wishes things could be easier. He gathers his things and heads out the door, turning only once to look at her.

               Alexander wishes he could gather the strength of words enough to stay. The same coursing numbness lingers inside of him. He parts his lips-a slight courage of words joining him before it dissipates again.

               Alexander walks out of her apartment wishing for more; more strength, more time…but his continual, singeing nerves serve as a reminder that he just might not be enough for her.

               The truth about Eliza Schuyler’s boyfriend…bastard. Immigrant. Orphan. Scholarship student….

The headlines flash though his mind for the rest of the night. No, he won’t do that to her. She deserves more than the truth of his life. His Eliza deserves a world that he just can’t give to her, and Alexander’s not so sure he can hold her brilliance back much longer.

[salfordelim]

We all will acknowledge how difficult it is during these days but we must also remember, as the story of Stephen highlights, that compared with so many of our brothers and sisters in Christ, we still have so much freedom: freedom to think and say what we want (within reason!), freedom to read the bible, freedom to meet via technology, and so much more. 

Let’s not forget those who are not only restricted by the same lockdown measures as us but face the much greater restriction of not being able to live as Christians without fear of persecution. 

If you want to know more, here is a good website to visit.

‘Jesus Freak’ by DC Talk

Stephen is usually thought to be the first ‘Christian martyr’ but the words of this song reminded me that it was actually John the baptist who was the first recorded casualty of the Jesus movement; he declared truth to power and it cost him his head. 

DC Talk were the first Christian artist I heard before following Jesus and, at the time, I think I probably would have called them ‘freaks’! ‘Jesus Freak’ was also a term one of my family members called me when I told them I was going to be baptised. It seems people are always much happier if you were just a little less ‘extreme’ or ‘fundamental’ in your passions and convictions; a little less ‘offensive’ and more palatable to the liberal, ‘publicly correct’ anxieties of the day. 

DC Talk wrote this song after one of the all-too-familiar high school shootings in the USA where, it is reported, several students refused to deny their faith at the point of a gun. It cost them their lives but, like John, Stephen, and tens of thousands since, it was a price they were willing to pay for their Lord. 

Their commitment to Jesus is very challenging to me and I have often asked myself the question: would I deny Jesus if faced with death? I’m not sure any of us could answer that question unless we actually had to face it, and I hope we never do, but I do want to have the sort of faith that is resolute in the face of great opposition and if being called a ‘Jesus freak’ is a result, it is an incredibly small price to pay.

There was a man from the desert with naps in his head The sand that he walked was also his bed The words that he spoke made the people assume There wasn’t too much left in the upper room With skins on his back and hair on his face They thought he was strange by the locusts he ate The Pharisees tripped when they heard him speak Until the king took the head of this Jesus freak

‘Walk On’ by U2

This song contains one of my favourite lyrics of all time:  

You’re packing a suitcase for a place none of us has been. A place that has to be believed to be seen.

Like all Spirit-filled believers, Stephen was living out a reality not everyone could see or understand; the reality of God’s kingdom breaking in to earth’s dimension. It is faith in Jesus alone which opens people’s eyes to see it.

The story of Stephen’s brutal murder contains Luke’s description of his face shining ‘like that of an angel’ (the echoes of Moses’ glowing face are clearly meant to be heard here as Stephen responds to the accusation that he is ditching the law of Moses). Luke also recounts that Stephen had a vision of God’s glory and of Jesus standing at His right hand; something the religious authorities couldn’t see themselves. 

That vision was what sustained Stephen and enabled him to pray, as Jesus did from the cross, that God would not ‘count their sin against them’. 

That vision can still sustain us today.

Walk on, walk on What you got they can’t steal it No, they can’t even feel it Walk on, walk on Stay safe tonight

‘We have overcome’ by Rivers and Robots

Though the storm may come we are unashamed Of the name above all other names He’s our victory , He’s our joy and prize He’s the reason we lay down our lives

The lyrics in this song, written by a friend of mine called Johnathon Ogden, remind me of the a scripture in the book of Revelation chapter 12 in which the image is painted of a war in heaven, resulting in Satan being hurled to earth, where he accuses the believers:

 Then I heard a loud voice in heaven say:

“Now have come the salvation and the power and the kingdom of our God, and the authority of his Messiah.

For the accuser of our brothers and sisters, who accuses them before our God day and night, has been hurled down. 

They triumphed over him by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony; they did not love their lives so much as to shrink from death.

Therefore rejoice, you heavens and you who dwell in them!

But woe to the earth and the sea,because the devil has gone down to you!

He is filled with fury, because he knows that his time is short.”

Jesus told his disciples that they would be hated and persecuted because of him (John 15) and it has proved to be the case. It is estimated that more Christians lost their lives for the sake of the gospel in the 20th century that all of the 19 centuries preceding it. 2000 years is a long time to wait and, like the exiled people of God in the Old Testament, I’m sure persecuted believers are praying ‘How long O Lord’? 

Whilst believers may lose their lives for Jesus’ sake, ultimately, they will triumph because of His blood and the testimony of what He has done in their lives. 

‘I have decided to follow Jesus’ by Elevation Worship

Over 150 years ago, missionaries from Great Britain and Germany traveled to northeast India to preach the gospel. 

A story is told by an Indian preacher about a man, his wife and two children who were converted to Christ around this time. Their spontaneous faith spread throughout the village, angering the leader of the community. He summoned the man before the village and demanded that he renounce his Christian faith or face execution. 

The man, facing this crucial decision, started singing, “I have decided to follow Jesus, I have decided to follow Jesus, I have decided to follow Jesus, no turning back, no turning back.” 

Enraged, the chief ordered the archers to shoot the two children. As both of the boys lay twitching on the ground, the chief asked, “Now will you renounce your faith? You have lost both of your children. You will lose your wife as well.” 

The man replied by singing, “Though no one joins me, still will I follow. Though no one joins me, still will I follow. Though no one joins me, still will I follow. No turning back, no turning back.” 

The chief was beside himself with rage and he ordered the wife put to death. Now he asked for the final time, “Now I will give you one more opportunity to deny your faith and live. There is no one for you in the world.” 

The man then sang, “The cross before me, the world behind me. The cross before me, the world behind me. The cross before me, the world behind me. No turning back, no turning back.” 

Eventually the courage of this man and his family would lead to the conversion of this chief and the entire village, but he didn’t know that at that time. His call was simply to be unashamed of the gospel. 

 Their death (as is the death of all His saints) was a tragedy and not something that God allows lightly (see Psalm 116:15). Yet, God was able to cause something beautiful to come out of it. In the words of the second century church leader Tertullian, ‘the blood of the martyrs is the seed of the church’. 

‘Omnipresent’ by Ian Peacock

The End Of Faith by Ian Peacock & Friends

Stephen was accused of ‘speaking against the law of Moses and against the temple’. His response was to give the Sadducees a history lesson, focussing on the fact the God was at work in his world way before the law was given and the temple was built in Jerusalem. God could not, and still will not, be confined to the ‘boxes’ we often like to keep him in. 

As well as the echoes of Moses’ face shining after being with God on Mount Sinai, his ‘burning bush’ experience is a reminder that even the most remote places can be ‘holy’ when we become aware of God’s omnipresence. 

During this time we cannot meet together in a building, I’m reminded, that as much as I miss being with my brothers and sisters in Christ, the building is not where God lives!

I wanna feel you all around – omnipresent God I wanna see you all around – all as holy ground

And if you came back again tonight Would you find a bride in whom to delight Would you see people in love with You Willing to lay down their lives as a sacrifice

May you be sustained this week, whatever challenges come your way, by a vision of God’s glory and may you become more aware of his presence in the most ordinary of places.

[iamastrongchristian-blog]

How to Share the Burden with Lay People

And the Lord said unto Moses, Gather unto me seventy men of the elders of Israel, whom thou knowest to be the elders of the people, and officers over them; and bring them unto the tabernacle of the congregation, that they may stand there with thee. And I will come down and talk with thee there: and I will take of the spirit which is upon thee, and will put it upon them; and they shall BEAR THE BURDEN of the people with thee, that thou bear it not thyself alone.

Numbers 11:16, 17

One of the most difficult tasks in life is to “lead” people. Moses delivered the Israelites from bondage but struggled to lead them to the Promised Land. They were too difficult for him to handle. Moses’ job of leading difficult people is the job that all pastors have to do. God graciously gave Moses spectacular and sensational miracles. These signs and wonders helped to establish his authority over God's flock. In spite of this, the burden of leading the people was more than he could carry. The Bible calls it a burden - and that is what it is! Moses eventually succumbed to the pressures of leading difficult people and lost his chance to enter the Promised Land.

There Is a Real Burden

If you have a pastor's heart and love people, you cannot disassociate yourself from their problems. Their problems will become your problems and their burdens will affect you! When God uses you to minister to a large number of people, he expects you to share the burden. Failure to share this burden simply means that you may collapse or come to a standstill in ministry. There are many standstill churches around. They grow to a point but can grow no further. The reason is that they fail to share the burden of ministry. A balanced church is one that has people of all sorts within it; young, old, educated and uneducated, rich and poor, and male and female. All these people must be drafted in to the share the burden.

Don’t Exclude Anyone

I notice that most churches exclude the educated and the rich from ministry. Usually, the rich are expected to contribute money whilst the educated enhance the image of the church. However, I have found that both the rich and the educated can be spiritually useful. There are many medical doctors, carpenters, plumbers, specialists, lecturers, architects, and engineers, who serve as lay pastors. These lay pastors share the burden of ministry. The burden of the ministry cannot be borne by one person. It is simply impossible.

Share the Burden and Have a Larger Church

If you want to have a greater ministry than what you currently have, you must share the burden. Sometimes people do not share the burden because they want to take all of the glory for themselves. They want people to feel that they are the only ones with a supernatural gift. They want people to show appreciation to them alone. Others are afraid of rebellion in the camp. How common is the story of associate pastors rebelling. Many senior pastors fear their assistants will outshine them one day. Fear not, only believe! You cannot expand without trusting people. The work is so great that you will never ever be able to do it all alone.

1. Lay people will help you deal with ungrateful and forgetful sheep. …in the last days… men shall be… unthankful… 2 Timothy 3:1, 2

There will always be lay people who are very grateful for your ministry. They will love you and appreciate your efforts for them. These people will help to neutralize the presumption that is common in the congregation. Their grateful speeches will neutralize rebellion in the camp. You will notice ungratefulness in people by the way they complain. Moses led the Israelites out of bondage and slavery and yet they murmured and complained bitterly against him. Aaron even had to make a golden calf to calm them down.

If something ever goes wrong, you will be surprised at the reactions of people you have ministered to. Many quickly forget what you have done for them. The things a pastor does are not physically tangible, but spiritual. Many therefore think that the pastor has done nothing for them. Church members can sin against you after you have been a blessing to them. Don't be shocked! The prophet Jeremiah experienced the same thing from his people. He said, “Shall evil be recompensed for good?” (Jeremiah 18:20). The Sin of Hezekiah

Once, a pastor told a very disturbing story. He said that he was surprised when one of his church members came to his house one night to assault him. He couldn't believe that this young man whom he had led to Christ, trained up in the Lord, whose marriage he had blessed, and helped through various crises would attack him in that manner. Dear friend, do not be surprised! Do not expect gratitude from man; expect your rewards from God. Hezekiah was blessed. But he did not "render again". That means he did not show gratitude for all the blessings he had received.

But Hezekiah RENDERED NOT AGAIN according to the benefit done unto him… 2 Chronicles 32:25

This is the nature of man. This is the nature of the people God wants you to lead.

2. Lay people will help you overcome disloyalty in the congregation. With the help of lay people, you will be able to fight disloyalty in the church. The presence of zealously committed lay workers always inspires more loyalty in the ranks. Lay people, who do not earn money from the church, are a great support to every pastor.

Lay people who are loyal will report what is going on in the congregation. Though Judas walked and ministered with Jesus for three years, he eventually betrayed him for a small amount of money. Betrayal is a part of ministry. It is also a part of life. If you have yet to experience betrayal, I can assure you that you will. The disturbing thing about betrayal is that it comes from people who are supposedly close to you. You are not greater than your master Jesus! The fact that someone may betray you one day makes it very difficult for you to happily interact and flow with the people. Look closely at the ministry of any great man of God. You will discover that they have all had their fair share of traitors. All of this contributes to the burden and difficulty of ministry.

Yea, mine own familiar friend, in whom I trusted, which did eat of my bread, hath lifted up his heel against me. Psalm 41:9

Paul experienced sudden desertions by some of his colleagues, like Demas. I remember one young man whom I trained. He was about to take up an important position in the ministry that we had been preparing for, for over a year. On the day he was to fill the position, he suddenly informed me that he was leaving the country. I couldn't believe my ears! All of our months of preparation meant nothing to him. He just abandoned ship without notice. These experiences are all part of the ministry. Abandonment also occurred under the ministry of Apostle Paul.

For Demas hath forsaken me… 2 Timothy 4:10

Because people can abandon you at any time, it is burdensome to lead them. The presence of committed lay people will always help to share the burden of abandonment. God wants us to be involved in His work. God wants us to be shepherds!

3. Lay people will help to deal with disrespectful and rebellious church members.

And Miriam and Aaron spake against Moses… Hath the Lord indeed spoken only by Moses? HATH HE NOT SPOKEN ALSO BY US? Numbers 12:1-2

There are lay people who will sort out disrespectful and rebellious church members for you. You always need people on the ground to deal with church members who make light of pastors. There are people who think their money and status in the secular world gives them a right to say and do anything in the church.

Miriam and Aaron (the closest assistants and closest relatives) spoke against Moses. They most probably said things like, "God also speaks by us" and "Are you the only one God uses?" With time, familiarity creeps in and arrogant people now consider you as an equal. They tend to think, "We can all do it. What's the big deal? You are no different from us!" This is unfortunate, but real. People easily take you for granted. They murmur and complain against you, forgetting all that you have done for them. When some church members lose their temper, they will speak to you as though you are a little child.

"You Remind Me of My Father"

One church member approached her pastor after Sunday service. The pastor thought she was about to compliment him for the powerful sermon he had just preached.

She started, "Pastor, you know something? I felt I should tell you that you remind me of my father." "Oh really?" the pastor responded. He thought he reminded her of some good traits in her father. She continued, "He was so full of himself and so are you!" The pastor was taken aback but had to smile and continue as though he had received a compliment. This church member was telling the pastor exactly what she thought of him. Moses also experienced rebels who thought he was “too big” for his shoes. Moses also had people who wanted to cut him down to size. That is why Moses had to share the burden with seventy other elders.

Now Korah...and Dathan…and Abiram…and On…rose up before Moses...and said...wherefore then lift ye up yourselves [Moses and Aaron] above the congregation of the Lord? Numbers 16:1-3

4. Good lay people encourage others to respond positively to the Word.

When any one heareth the word of the kingdom, and UNDERSTANDETH IT NOT… Matthew 13:19

The domino effect is when one thing leads to another. When one layperson responds positively to your teaching, others are inspired to do the same. It is always a blessing to have ordinary congregants who are outspoken in their support of you. Sometimes large sections of the congregation do not understand the Word. Often they do not understand why you have to do fundraising. Consequently, many do not respond in giving. Many times, I have to explain that they are giving to build a nice church where they can have their weddings, their baby dedications and their ceremonies. Leading people who have all the above characteristics: ungratefulness, disloyalty, etc., is a major task. One person cannot do it alone. The burden must be shared with others. Sharing the burden is hard work.          

5. Lay people will cause the church to expand by becoming part of the workforce. The use of lay people as part of the workforce is the secret to unlimited expansion of the church. Sometimes people think that lay people cannot do much ministry work. Do not be deceived - try using lay people and you will discover how much work they can do. Lay people can join the pastors to share the burden of the people. Let your lay people know that they are called to share the burden of ministry with you. They will share the burden on earth and they will share the burden of accounting for the sheep in Heaven. When we established churches in the universities, we entrusted the preaching and pastoring responsibilities to students. I am very proud of these student ministers because of the great job that they have done on the different campuses. I don't have to rush to the different universities every Sunday morning to minister the Word. Ordinary saints have joined in to help. These saints must be perfected (prepared, trained) to do the work of the ministry. Ordinary saints can do the work.

For the perfecting of the saints, for the work of the ministry, for the edifying of the body of Christ: Ephesians 4:12

The principal strategy for distributing the burden is to involve lay men and women in ministry. No church is capable of employing an endless number of people. Every church has a limit to its resources. It is not possible to pay salaries and rent an unlimited number of houses for the staff of the ministry. Full-time staff are limited in the amount of work that they can do.

 6. Lay people will help you with prayer, visitation, counselling and interaction.

Lay people can help you with the burden of praying, visiting, counselling and interacting with the sheep. Moses was breaking down under the burden of having to pray, visit, counsel and interact with so many people. God saw a disaster waiting to happen and decided to take of the "spirit" that was on Moses and put it on the seventy leaders "to bear the burden" with him.

And the Lord said unto Moses, Gather unto me SEVENTY MEN of the elders of Israel… THAT THEY MAY STAND [work] THERE WITH THEE. Numbers 11:16

Involving students, workers, and professionals helps to distribute the burden to all saints in the church. The Lord wants everyone to be fruitful no matter what they do in life.

7. Lay people will help you to account for the sheep on the Day of Judgment. …for they watch for your souls, AS THEY THAT MUST GIVE ACCOUNT, that they may do it with joy… Hebrews 13:17

The burden of answering for the sheep cannot be borne by one person or a few people who supposedly have a “call”. The burden of accounting for hundreds of different people cannot be borne by one person. When I stand before the judgment seat and God asks me about certain souls, I intend to refer to the lay pastors and shepherds I put in charge of these souls. When the Lord asks me about some souls in the church, I intend to find out who was in charge and tell the Lord to ask that person. I cannot possibly answer for all these different people personally. Every pastor will have a lot to answer for when he stands before the Lord in Heaven. Your burden is to be able to lead all your sheep to Heaven. Make sure you lose none of them. Every pastor must hope to say, "Of all that you have given me, I have lost none!" Jesus said this phrase in three different places – John 6:39, John 17:12; and John 18:9.

by Dag Heward-Mills

[johnhardinsawyer]

How Things Went Wrong - David and Bathsheba, Part 1

John Sawyer

Bedford Presbyterian Church

7 / 29 / 18

2 Samuel 11:1-15

Psalm 14

“How Things Went Wrong”

(David and Bathsheba – Part 1)

David needed a break.  He had been fighting for a long time.  When he was just a boy, he fought the giant Goliath and won.  When he fell afoul of King Saul, he was forced to run and fight for his life and eventually won.  He had fought the Philistines, the Jebusites, the Arameans, and had beaten them all.  But now, he was King, and someone else could do the actual fighting for him.  I mean, why not?  David needed a break.  And it was in the spring of the year – a great time to be in Jerusalem.  The days were warm, the nights were cool, flowers were blooming, the sap was rising.

In today’s story, we don’t find any miracles, per se. We don’t find God doing much at all – at least not on the surface, in plain view.  We just have human beings doing what they do.  We have David and Bathsheba, some servants, and a poor, clueless, man named Uriah, who was married to the wrong woman at the wrong time. Those of you who may be hearing this sordid tale for the first time might be thinking, “Woah, I didn’t know stories like this were in the Bible!  This sounds like something out of a soap opera, or the national news.”  Those of you who have heard this story before and know what happens, know that it’s like a slow-motion train wreck.  You know it’s going to be bad, but you just can’t look away. It’s pretty unbelievable, isn’t it? “David, the young king who could do no wrong in the eyes of God and the people, did what?”  Let’s rehearse the facts of the story.  David, who probably did need a break from fighting, was likely entering his early-late-thirties.[1]  He was fairly wealthy, had multiple wives and concubines and children.[2]  Joab, David’s general, clearly had the fighting covered, so David stayed home so he could get down to governing.  There was clearly time for other activities, though.

David lived in a nice house made of stone and cedar[3]which was likely built on some prime real-estate.  He even had a rooftop patio, which is a nice feature that many homes in Jerusalem still have.  Late one afternoon, he was looking out over the roofs of the city when he saw a woman. Now, David was already married – to multiple women.  The practice of polygamy was fairly common in those days, especially among wealthy men. But this woman that David saw from the rooftop was “very beautiful.” (2 Samuel 11:2)  One way of translating this from the original language is that “she looked good!”,[4]if you know what I’m saying.  “Who is that?!?” David asked, and he sent someone to find out.  You know how the story goes, by now, and know that the good-looking woman was Bathsheba, who was married to a man named Uriah, who happened to be one of David’s elite warriors.[5]  Uriah happened to be out of town, serving in the army.

There are some things about this story that we probably should not delve too deeply into because we would be moving far beyond PG-13 territory. Suffice it to say, though, that there are some things about this story that need to be talked about.  First, Bathsheba’s husband was known as “Uriah the Hittite.”  He was descended from some of the native people who had been around the land of Judah since before the time of Abraham.[6]  When Joshua led the people of Israel out of the wilderness into the Promised Land, the Hittites were still around.[7]  They were a different ethnic group whom the people of Israel had been commanded to drive out, but this had never happened, fully.  Many Hittites had intermarried with the Israelites and had come to believe in the God of Abraham, Isaac, Jacob, and Moses.  It should be noted that even though Uriah was a Hittite, in today’s story he follows the law to the letter by refraining from going home to be with his wife while the army was still away at war.[8]  Yet, here we have David, a pure-blooded Israelite, three of the Ten Commandments: “You shall not covet your neighbor’s wife.”  (Exodus 20:17)  “You shall not commit adultery.”  (Exodus 20:14)  And, “You shall not murder.”  (Exodus 20:13)  And, just in case you missed it, not only was Bathsheba someone else’s wife, the story tells us that she was ritually unclean because it was a certain time of the month for her.  And, because it was Bathsheba’s time, when David touched her, he became ritually unclean, himself.[9]

There is also something that concerns me here, especially in the present age of Harvey Weinstein and Roger Ailes, and – dare I say – recorded conversations about paying off mistresses and physically doing things to women without their consent.  I am concerned about the ways that David used and abused his own power. Nowhere in today’s story do we read that Bathsheba wantedto be with David or that she went willingly to his home, possibly, multiple times.  The king could do whatever he wanted – have whomever he wanted.  But just because you have enough power or enough money to do whatever you want does not mean that it is good and right to do whatever you want.  There are those in positions of power who use that power to take advantage of those who are not powerful and if today’s story is any indication, this is definitely not a new phenomenon.  There was no #MeToo movement for Bathsheba.  In fact, as far as we can tell, in today’s story she has no real voice and no power – not even over her own body.  All that we hear from Bathsheba is when she sends a message to David saying, “I am pregnant.” (2 Samuel 11:5)

The title of today’s sermon is “How Things Went Wrong,” and, just so you know, we will be looking next week at “How to Start Making Things Right.”  For today, though, it is clear to us when we read the story of David and Bathsheba that things went very wrong and that David was the primary cause.  You are not supposed to have someone killed after you steal their spouse.  You are not supposed to be with someone without their consent.  You are not supposed to do the things that David did.  Why did David do all of this?  He knew he was doing wrong things – committing adultery, trying to cover that adultery up, having a man killed.  But one of the things that sin does is that it confuses us, making us “unable to distinguish good from evil.”[10]

Now, we could all just pile on David and point our accusing fingers in his direction, telling him what he did wrong, but then we hear the words of the Psalmist in today’s first scripture reading:  

“The Lord looks down from heaven on humankind to see if there are any who are wise, who seek after God.  They have all gone astray, they are all alike perverse; there is no one who does good, no, not one.” (Psalm 14:2-3)  

There is no one who does good. . .  Not.  One.  Not you.  And not me.

How did things go wrong?  How did this happen?  We could go all the way back to the story of Adam and Eve and blame the whole thing on a tree, a snake, and a piece of fruit, and a hungry woman, but in my mind, this passes the buck too easily.  “The reason I am sinful is because Eve ate a piece of fruit” is a lame excuse.  [By the way, I’ve always loved that bumper sticker that reads “Eve was Framed.”]  Over the centuries, most Christian thinkers and writers have agreed that our sin is something that comes from within ourselves.  Even people of faith have, as John Calvin writes, “a smoldering cinder of evil”[11]within themselves that causes them to do. . . all kinds of things.  It is inescapable and unavoidable.  As the Apostle Paul wrote,

I do not understand my own actions.  For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate. . .  For I know that nothing good dwells within me, that is, in my flesh.  I can will what is right, but I cannot do it.  For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I do.  (Romans 7:15, 18-19)

Or, as the Psalmist writes, more succinctly, “There is no one who does good.  No, not one.”

Now, next Sunday, we are going to be talking about what happened to David when he came to a realization about what he had done.  But for today, I think it is important for us to simply dwell in the messy reality that when it comes to sin, we are dealing with something larger than ourselves – more than we can overcome on our own.  

This is why we confess our sins in worship, week after week. Oh, we need to be reminded of God’s grace and forgiveness, but we also need to remember that we have not lived as God would have us live.  There is no one who does good.  No, not one.  I’m not okay.  You’re not okay.  God knows this.  We might not have killed someone after stealing their wife, but Jesus knows our inmost hearts.  Nothing can be hidden.[12]

Now, the preacher in me wants to end with some good news.  I want so badly to close by tying this mess all up in a bow and reminding you that God loves you.  Wouldn’t that be nice?  Instead, I’ll remind you of the time that Jesus told a woman who had been caught in adultery, “Go. . . and from now on do not sin again.”  (John 8:11)  I hate to be cynical, but how long do you think that whole “do not sin again” thing lasted for her?

How long will it last for you this morning?  For me?  What will we do when our good behavior runs out?  What will it take for us to come to our senses about our bad behavior – about the sin that rules and ruins us?  Will we repent?  Turn away from sin and turn toward God?  Will we draw close to Jesus, listening for his loving and merciful voice?  Will we know and trust, deep down, that we only do good when the Holy Spirit prompts that good within us?[13]  Will we know – do we trust – that God is at work on us?  In us?

Jesus knows the inmost heart.  Nothing can be hidden.

Thanks be to God.

In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit.  Amen.

---------

[1]See 2 Samuel 5:4-5.

[2]See 2 Samuel 5:13ff.

[3]See 2 Samuel 5:9-11.

[4]George V. Wigram, ed. The Englishman’s Hebrew Concordance of the Old Testament (Peabody: Hendrickson Publishers, Inc., 1999) 476.

[5]See 2 Samuel 23:39.

[6]See Genesis 15:20.

[7]See Joshua 1:4, 3:10, 9:1, 11:3, 12:8, and 24:11.

[8]See Deuteronomy 23:9-14.

[9]See Leviticus 15:24.

[10]David H. Jensen, 1 & 2 Samuel (Louisville:  Westminster John Knox Press, 2015) 218.

[11]John Calvin, Institutes of the Christian Religion – III.iii.10 (Philadelphia: The Westminster Press, 1960) 602.

[12]TEXT:  Pashto hymn; trans. Alison Blenkinsop, 1995.  MUSIC:  Anon; arr. Geoff Weaver, 1995.  Glory to God – The Presbyterian Hymnal (Louisville:  Westminster John Knox Press, 2013) 427.

[13]Calvin, Institutes – II.iii.12. 306.

[hottytoddynews]

Judge Bradley Alex focuses on bringing people together, not tearing them apart.

Bradley Alex couldn’t understand why his wife was so upset with him. The young couple had just had their second son but she was edgy, emotional, high strung. It wasn’t like her, and they both knew it. But why?

After pleading and asking, “What’s wrong?” as so many husbands do, Alex and his wife finally got an answer 30 or so years later from a television special: postpartum depression.

Today, Alex looks back at that tough period in his life and is thankful for what he now realizes was valuable training for his current job as judge of the Mississippi Band of Choctaw Indians Peacemaker Court. He recently handled a case between spouses and found the new parents’ arguments sounded all too familiar. Sure enough, a doctor confirmed his diagnosis—postpartum depression. Case solved, problem resolved.

Peacemaker Court is radically different from the American court system, which seeks to punish the guilty and generally declare one side right and one side wrong. Often, the Choctaw feel, that approach can increase frustration and animosity on both sides.

Peacemaker Court seeks a different kind of justice, one with roots deep in Choctaw tradition. It concentrates on bringing the two sides in a dispute together. Instead of blaming, it aims to heal and restore broken relationships.

Now, when couples come before him, Judge Alex thinks back on his own marriage and the confusion he felt when his wife was sick and didn’t realize it. “I thought she was just going crazy on me. I’m 60 years old and a lot of stuff I have gone through—I believe that there was a purpose for me that I went through those in life. That’s the peacemaking court. It’s something that’s wonderful,” he said.

His occasional broken English can’t mask his wisdom. That wisdom and an intuitive understanding of people came from a long history in law enforcement.

“I’ve dealt with people throughout most of my adult life,” Alex said. He was a probation officer for 17 years, and before that a police officer. But not a no-nonsense, ticket-writing, authoritarian police officer. Alex gave people rides home after he arrested them, went to check on them days later, and even prayed with them.

“Other officers, they didn’t really like that. But I said, ‘This is our community. These are our people, and you have to care for your people.’”

Step inside the peacemaker courtroom, and it’s nothing like the stern standard closing scene of Law and Order. The courtroom is circular, with one large wall that has no corners.

A smaller circle of chairs sits inside, creating an informal setting in which disputes can be resolved. Judge Alex sits among the plaintiffs and defendants, rather than looking down on them from a raised bench. In fact, “judge” may not be the best word to describe him. He is more like a mediator.

‘Itti-kaña-ikb’ is the Choctaw name for the court. It means “making friends again.” The cases that come to Peacemaker Court are handpicked from the tribe’s civil, criminal, and youth courts. The referrals are usually family cases —divorce, child custody— that authorities believe can be resolved without formal court proceedings. But this is a one-time-only opportunity. It’s informal and inexpensive, and no lawyers can be present — only the judge and the opposing parties.

If cases don’t succeed in Peacemaker Court, it’s usually because someone is unwilling to cooperate with the process, or if they demand an attorney. If so, the case is sent right back to the court it came from, and normal legal proceedings occur. It doesn’t happen very often.

Judge Alex is full of stories about people he has dealt with in the court and how successful it has been for them. One would think he’s been doing this for years, but he’s just finishing his first.

“The court is aimed at honesty,” Alex says. “They admit their guilt and that they want to proceed in the court… that they want to settle it and talk to the victims.”

Most of the cases involve domestic violence. But they aren’t always typical scenarios. Alex talks about a case in which a son was abusing his father. Through peacemaking sessions, he discovered that the son held his father in contempt for calling him a loser after dropping out of school. Both had scars from all of the abuse, and Alex described “uni-brows of anger” across their foreheads.

He patiently coaxed them through the principal steps of peacemaking—guilt, forgiveness, and acceptance. Alex later bumped into the pair as they shopped for groceries for the son’s wedding feast. “Everything worked out good. I see them now with a smile, but they had a uni-brow,” Alex said.

Alex offers a simple recipe for success — communication.

“It’s talking. It is just talking. You can overcome anything. Communication. I’m telling you.”

He begins by talking to the parties separately. Then he brings them together and talks to them and any key people involved. By then, Alex says they will have unearthed the real problem, whatever it is that has caused the anger or contempt bubbling up inside.

“When we settle cases here, we talk about what led up to this. Even sometimes we go back to their childhood. How were they raised? What kind of family? What is it? They bring it up. Eventually they find where that affected them,” Alex said.

And then, the process of puzzling broken pieces back together begins.

Alex tells of a young boy who was destroying property at his mother’s home — her car, their mailbox. He was arrested and sent to appear before the youth court. Then the case was transferred to Alex. But the boy wouldn’t speak to anyone.

Judge Alex takes copious notes during Peacemaker hearings.

So Judge Alex started talking on his own.

“I said, ‘How old are you?’

“He said, ‘14.’

“I went back to my childhood and told him the first time I had a girlfriend I was 14. I had a crush on her so bad that when we broke up, I felt like my stomach was all knotted up and everything and I just couldn’t sleep.

“That’s when his head went up. He said, ‘You did, too?’”

It turned out the boy’s father was remarried and living in another town. His mother was raising him and his two sisters. He felt alone. His love life was in shambles, he felt he had no one to talk to, and his emotions exploded into violence.

“He said, ‘Nobody understands, but you do.’ I said, ‘Yeah I went through it.’ A lot of us went through that and are still going through it.”

The judge explained to the boy that he could talk to his mom about what he was going through and should apologize to her. That like him, she had a broken heart.

“He said, ‘With Dad?’”

“I said, ‘Yeah.’”

Just as Alex followed up with people he arrested as a police officer, he kept in contact with the young boy after resolving the case. He asked him to help install insulation in Alex’s home and paid him for his time. “That’s the only thing he needs is a father figure. These young men, teenagers that don’t have a father, I went through that,” he said.

For Alex, the case hit close to home. Alex’s own father died when he was 9. Then, as a young man, his stepfather was abusive. To get away, he joined Boy Scouts, Cub Scouts, “whatever club I could get into.” He too, had no adult in his life to confide in.

“A lot of stuff that I went through, I see these people going through. I love my people. You have to love your people in order to be in a position like this,” he said.

As Alex describes the cases of the past year, he makes the process seem simple, or just common sense.

He prefers the Choctaw way over the American legal system any day. In American civil and criminal courts, “the whole truth is not spoken. Both sides do not really give the full truth. Attorneys represent them and I’ve seen that. I was sitting in there. I didn’t like going to see a trial. I’ve seen it and it destroys family. Basically, it destroys the community. When they leave, sometimes people, one or the other or both, are hurt,” he said.

It helps that the tribe is no larger than it is. “Our tribe is small,” Alex said. “I think [the peacemaking process] can affect anyone anywhere. It’s bringing family back together, or the community back together. The other legal system isn’t.”

But as Judge Alex knows, it takes follow up. A problem cannot always be solved with the bang of a gavel.

After all, fines, jail time, or retribution won’t heal a wounded soul.

By Kate Hayes. Photos by Ariel Cobbert.

LEFT TO RIGHT: Ariel Cobbert, Mrudvi Bakshi, Taylor Bennett, Lana Ferguson, SECOND ROW: Tori Olker, Josie Slaughter, Kate Harris, Zoe McDonald, Anna McCollum, THIRD ROW: Bill Rose, Chi Kalu, Slade Rand, Mitchell Dowden, Will Crockett. Not pictured: Tori Hosey PHOTO BY THOMAS GRANING

The Meek School faculty and students published “Unconquered and Unconquerable” online on August 19, 2016, to tell stories of the people and culture of the Chickasaw and Choctaw. The publication is the result of Bill Rose’s depth reporting class taught in the spring. Emily Bowen-Moore, Instructor of Media Design, designed the magazine.

“The reason we did this was because we discovered that many of them had no clue about the rich Indian history of Mississippi,” said Rose. “It was an eye-opening experience for the students. They found out a lot of stuff that Mississippians will be surprised about.”

Print copies are available October 2016.

For questions or comments, email us at hottytoddynews@gmail.com.

The post Unconquered and Unconquerable: A Different Kind of Justice appeared first on HottyToddy.com.