#i can't wait to talk to my therapist about the week ive had

[wetbananapeel]

I made two cups of coffee here

[schizowitchic]

massive huge vent. tw for suicide and self harm and severe mental health difficulties

it actually literally sucks to see my friends getting mental health treatment. because i basically got instantly dismissed the first time (told me id be fine with school counselling after i literally ended up in hospital overnight after a suicide attempt), discharged without them telling me (when i raised concern that i was hallucinating and experiencing delusions, they ignored the presence of delusions and told me hallucinations were normal teenage experiences) so i had to wait even longer for therapy to deal with anxiety, then it was six weeks and i realised it was not helping because i felt the same even when i tried to apply the therapy and do the breathing exercises every day (I can rationalise thoughts away all I want but my body will still feel physically ill). so now ive reached the point where ive given up on getting mental health treatment. by picking up lovely coping mechanisms such as nicotine and self harm addictions (Self harm addiction has existed for like three years but I've hit a major relapse point). and basically repressing all my emotions so that nobody ever tries to make me go through the mental health system ever again.

anyway yeah meanwhile my friend almost had a suicide attempt (she was really contemplating it and called a hotline) and basically was on antidepressants within a month and had longterm therapy. she got on the autism assessment waiting list way after i did but got her diagnosis appointment before me. another friend went to the GP and got prescribed antidepressants basically instantly.

i don't know what im doing wrong for no person in the medical system to ever take me seriously (They don't seem to take my physical health problems seriously either!!). i don't know how to "perform" mental illness in a way that might actually get me treatment. i don't know what i need to do to get help.

i know i didn't help cases by lying and saying i don't self-harm - but i couldn't say that because i was under-18 at the time and they would tell my parents and i did not want my parents to know. and also. i was fifteen. in hospital. after overdosing. what about that screams "patient that needs no official mental health treatment - go to school counsellor. we will not properly check up on you at all".

i have considered asking my parents if they'd be willing to drive me to the nearest Mind building to see if they'll help me there - but i know all they can offer is talking therapies. and i suck at talking therapies. i can never explain the problem so i just end up pretending i have none. and also i find the way therapists talk to you disgusting. why the fuck do they talk to you like that.

at this point i feel like im gonna drift through life in some sort of haze, never being able to connect properly with people due to my communication deficits, never able to do stuff i want to do because i have no motivation, and just.... what is the point.

and people make it seem like you can just help yourself or whatever but i can't. it doesn't work anymore. i spent 5 years managing my own mental health from the age of 10 and i reached the point where i can't do that anymore. a counselor literally told me that im actually really good at rationalising irrational thoughts. which is great. until ive completely rationalised the thoughts and know nothing bad will happen but im still unable to do whatever it is that made me spiral.

ive spent the past year waking up to the taste of my own bile due to how nauseous i was from anxiety, ive literally lost weight due to anxiety, AND THERE IS NOTHING I CAN DO ANYMORE. what the fuck is a breathing exercise gonna do to stop me feeling nauseous. what's the point of 5-4-3-2-1 if i can never fucking remember which one is which sense which stresses me out even more.

god. anyway.

it also really fucking pisses me off when the people who are getting treatment complain about it . like . i understand it might not be good for them . BUT YOU ARE GETTING TREATMENT . i am not!! my six weeks of anxiety therapy helped me for like a month and then it wore off and i don't even know what to do about that!!

[princess-pill-enjoyer]

It is so important to find a good therapist. It truly is.

Personal vent about my therapist moral of the story is if you think something's weird, it is 💀

This dude..

For one, bro like plain doesn't take notes which would be fine if he remembered like... ANYTHING I said. I said I took pills, he asked what kind, I said dph, dude said oh that has alcohol in it then diagnosed me with mild alcohol abuse COMPLETELY UNRELATED TO WHAT TF I JUST EXPLAINED just cause I said I drink on rare occasions. Like mf.. I drink so little you can't even count it against me. It's so few and far between. Single digits per year probably. And I'm around my family when I'm drinking so it's not like they'd let me get blackout drunk anyway. Why diagnose me off of that instead of the fucking addiction that ACTUALLY impacted my life?

But I'm like okay maybe that's a technicality thing that's not fair to him.

So then I keep on coming. Everyday i come in and he has me fill out this depression and anxiety screening form. I think its weird since it's just a screening form and he's already diagnosed me with anxiety and major depressive disorder.. so why are you screening me twice a week.... we've already established that i have it. But what makes it sting is how he sits there and compare the numbers everytime as if that's the end all be all of whether or not I'm still struggling. I swear this one time I marked a few 2s instead of 3s and after scoring a whopping 2 points lower than my previous one, he was all talking bout oh see I think therapy is good for you you're already seeing improvements. Like nigga. Do you understand how mental illness works..? It's a general screening form. That I'm filling out. TWOOOO. TIMES. A. WEEK. If I filled it out like it's printed I'd have the exact same answers every single time. What's the point of screening me that often?

But I'm like okay cool. Maybe that's protocol and I just know from here on I have to do it by the letter. Doesn't matter if it's completely useless atp.

So then he started having me do "meditation" in the beginning that lasts like 10 mins. It gets so aggravating after like 3 but I'm thinking maybe he's dragging it that long cause I'm really seeming restless. So I try to sit completely still and breathe like I'd expect him to want me to. But then he goes on and on and on to the point where Im opening my eyes and just scanning the room atp. Just bored. And dude still got his eyes closed breathing

🥲

He finally just pissed me off today when I said I ghosted all my friends a while ago and haven't spoken to anyone in a while. And dude later gon ask me if I have any non alcoholic friends Ive talked to this week. Like okay. Fuck off. It's not even a thing of you just forgetting after having patient after patient! YOURE JUST NOT LISTENING. I said i ghosted my friends 2 weeks ago WITHINNN this one hour long appointment. Did you really not care to remember that? Did that not ring any alarm bells? And I can't think of a single scenario where it'd be acceptable. If you don't know what ghosting is, ask. If you didn't hear me, ask. If you don't understand why I did it, ask. You don't get to brush past that as a professional. Why am I even here if we're just repeating the same questions over and over again with you only paying attention to the parts that you care to talk about?

AND IM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC

Fuck this dude. I have two more appointments scheduled that I'm not gonna bother to slither out of. I'll say it'll be my strike two and three appointments. If I still feel no different towards him, I won't schedule anymore. I feel like ive given too many chances atp. But at the same point, maybe it really was an off day every other time I've had other paperwork to fill out too which maybe effected the quality of the appointments. I think it's only fair to have a few test appointments lmao. Plus I have a psych evaluation coming up so I don't wanna stop going and have dude take back his referral 💀💀

Wait... damn. I only have the strike three appointment my fucking jobbbbb. Whatever ig. I want to just miss but I'm not gonna bother. I'm gonna bring it up tho. Maybe he'll learn from it and be better for other people

I think that was too fundamental of a problem to come back from. I only have one hour a week to somehow someway stop being angry at him? And to start trusting dude again at that. I still get bitter over my friends bs how tf do I find the positive to make me stick around when it's just some random dude.

Oh well that and the first appointment I had with him?

Dude said talk therapy doesn't usually work for people with long term issues like mine.

I shoulda just took the hint and dipped. Wanted to give dude the benefit of doubt so bad.. 😑

Okay nvm never going back did not realize I wasn't even following my own damn advice. Why was I still gonna give him more chances

[andydrysdalerogers]

Cautious/Brave ~ Andy Barber

Summary: After the events surrounding Jacob's murder trial and the car accident, Andy finds himself lost as he grieves next to Jacob's bedside. Coming to terms with everything he has lost, waiting for Jacob to wake up, he finds solace with the one person in charge of Jacob's care. A sweet nurse who cares not just for her patients, but their families as well...

Word Count: 1.9K

Song: Beautiful Soul by Jesse McCarthy (performed by Boyce Avenue)

Warnings: spoilers for the end of Defending Jacob; angst; fluff

Part One of Two

Main Masterlist

Cautious Part one

TWO MONTHS AFTER THE ACCIDENT

Andy Barber walked into the hospital room, a defeated look on his face, a manila envelope in his hand. He stopped just inside the doorway, taking in the image of his son. Jacob was still comatose, hooked up to machines to help him breathe and keep his systems going. He sighed, shaking his head in sorrow. He missed Jacob's smile, his humor, his laugh.

Laurie couldn't deal with what she had done. She left after spending a couple of weeks in the hospital. The divorce papers were delivered this morning. Andy couldn't bring himself to open them yet. He moved over to the side of Jacob's bed and leaned over to kiss him on the cheek. "Hi buddy." He sat in his usual chair, talking to his only child, willing him to wake up.

You were Jacob's nurse. You came in every day, checking his vitals, changing the IV bags, making sure that he was comfortable. You walked into Jacob's room, distracted by a page you were getting that you missed his dad sitting with him. "Oh, Mr. Barber, I'm sorry. I'll come back."

"No, YN, its ok. I'm early. Please do what you need to do. How is he doing today?"

You checked Jacob's vitals. "He's holding steady." You looked into Andy's sad blue eyes. "I'm sorry I don't have better news."

"It's ok, YN. Thank you for taking care of him."

"It's my pleasure. I try to visit when I have time. I've been reading him this." You hold up your book.

"The Perks of Being a Wallflower. Interesting."

"My niece recommended it. She knew Jacob from school." You chew your bottom lip, nervous about your admission.

"Oh." He looked down. "Tell her thank you."

"I will." You got another page. "I'll be back. See you later Mr. Barber."

"Andy. Call me Andy."

"Ok. Andy." You smiled at him and he smiled back, the first time you had ever seen him smile. It beautiful. You walk out of the room still smiling.

THREE MONTHS AFTER THE ACCIDENT

You are making your rounds on your patients. You hum along with a song in your head and head into Jacob's room. You look to see if Andy is there but he isn't. Slightly disappointed, you check on Jacob, changing out his IV and making sure that he is stable.  You had become friends with Andy, talking every day, getting to know one another. You got to know the real Andy not the one the media likes to portray.

"I brought you a coffee," a voice behind you says, startling you. "Sorry. I didn't mean to scare you."

"Its ok Andy. I was just focused on this IV bag connection. Thank you," you took the coffee from his hand. "How was the case today?"

"Pretty easy. Cops mishandled the evidence and my client walked. Joanna was right, I am kinda good at this." Andy smiled. He had taken a job with Joanna Klein's firm instead of going back to the district attorney's office. He helped those he could, hoping for redemption to bring back his son.

"That's great Andy. I'm proud of you." And you are, really. Andy was a good man dealt a horrible hand.

"How was today?" He asked as he sat next to Jacob.

"The physical therapist was here, moving him around so he doesn't get stiff. I think the doctor wanted to talk to you about some of the test results. He should be here in a few minutes." You update the chart.

"Thanks, YN. Reading anything new?"

"We moved on to Harry Potter. I wanted a comfort read."

"Good choice. You can't go wrong with Harry Potter." He sipped his coffee with a smile. "Do you think he can hear us?"

"I like to think so. I like to keep that positive thought." You smile at Jacob. "He looks like a good kid."

"He is the best. He was always positive. Even during everything." You could see a tear forming in Andy's eye. You grabbed a tissue box and handed it to him. "Thanks."

"You know, it's not just the patients we care for on this floor. We care for the family as well. If you need to talk, just let me know." You patted his hand. He grabbed it and brought it to his lips, kissing your knuckles gently. "You are the sweetest. Thank you."

You blushed and had just moved away when the doctors came in. "Hi Andy. We got some updates."

"I'll just step out," you say, walking quickly out but glancing back at Andy, who smiled.

You make it back to the nurse's station and your friend Renee notices your flushed cheeks. "You ok YN?"

"Yeah, just had moment is all." You grabbed the next chart you needed to work on.

"Nothing to do with the handsome worried father in there would it?" Renee said with a twinkle in her eye. You didn't answer, your blush answered for you.

"I got another patient," and you walked away.

FOUR MONTHS AFTER THE ACCIDENT

"You've never been outside of Massachusetts?"

"I've never had a chance. Went from school to school to become the nurse you see today." You smile at Andy. "I've been a busy girl."

"I see that. But if you could, where would you go?"

"First thought, New York. I really want to see a musical or something. Then London."

"Ah, a romantic. I like it," he says with a chuckle.

"A hidden one but yes. My minor in school was English lit. I love to read, obviously but I always wanted to visit the places my heroes were. But the call to help was greater." You leaned against the door frame, enjoying your time with Andy.

"That's sweet." Andy swallowed, unsure if he could say what he wanted to ask. "YN, you never talk about your home life."

"Oh." The statement took you by surprise. "Well, I live alone with my dog, Punkie."

"Punkie? Like the TV Show?"

You blush, "yeah. It was one of my favorites."

Andy throws his head back laughing, his hand on his chest. You huff slightly, annoyed at his laughter. He sees your face and calms down. "Sorry, sweetheart. Its just, you look a little young to have seen Punkie Brewster."

"I watched the re-runs." You finished updating the chart and started to walk out, your feelings hurt. You felt a hand on your arm.

"I'm sorry YN. I didn't mean to insult you or anything." Andy's eyes pleaded with you not to be mad.

"Its ok Andy. I should go." You left the room. You walked pass the station, needing a moment to yourself. You didn't know why Andy's comment hurt you. Yes, you were younger than he was but that didn't mean you were immature. You wiped your face and took a couple of breaths before walking back to the nurse's station.

Renee never missed a beat. "You alright YN?"

"I'm fine Renee. Reality just hit me hard right now."

"Want to talk about it?"

"Just realizing that maybe having a crush is a bad idea." You look at the next chart. "Especially since it's against hospital policy."

"Oh, honey. Andy, right?"

"God Renee I'm so stupid. He sees me as the young kid nurse. And I just realized that I like to spend time with him, but he doesn't see me as anything more." You sigh. "I'm just setting myself up for heartbreak."

"You never know, sweetie." Renee sympathized. "Sometimes you can't help it when you spend so much time with someone."

"Thanks Renee." You walked away to your next patient. You hadn't seen Andy standing close by, having heard everything you said.

He went back into Jacob's room and sat down. Did he think of you as just the nurse? Maybe at the beginning when he had to deal with the divorce. He hadn't told anyone that Laurie relinquished her parental rights and left everything to Andy. It was a comfort to have you talk to him about anything other than real life. He liked getting to know you. He loved that you cared about Jacob so much. He hadn't meant anything by his comment. Now, he didn't know if everything was going to change.

FIVE MONTHS AFTER THE ACCIDENT

You walked into Jacob's room and found Andy asleep in the chair. He had been throwing himself into work since you started to pull away. You didn't want to have your heart broken over a stupid crush. But the sight of him, legs propped up on the edge of Jacob's bed, arms crossed as he slept tugged at your heart. You grabbed a blanket and carefully covered him, protecting him from the cold air that the air conditioning pushed.

You went to check on Jacob. While you worked, you whispered to Jacob, "I wish I knew you. You seem sweet. But you keep fighting. I'll be here every step of the way."

Andy woke up as you were talking to Jacob. Even if things were off between the two of you, you still cared for his son. He watched as you brushed the hair from Jacob's face, almost motherly. You kissed Jacob's forehead and headed out quietly.

Andy realized that he started to fall for the sweet nurse who loved his son.

SIX MONTHS AFTER THE ACCIDENT

You arrived at the nurse's station for your shift. It was early in the morning, and you yawned as you gathered your charts.

"This is for you."

You turned to see Andy with a cup of coffee.

"Thanks Andy. You didn't have to."

"Yes, I did. Do you think you have a moment to talk?"

"Sure, of course." You headed into Jacob's room for some privacy. "What's up?"

"I don't like what happened to us. We were getting close and then you pulled away. I know I upset you when I laughed but I don't understand why you pulled away."

"Andy, I..."

"Look, I know that its probably against some ethical thing but can I take you to lunch?" His eyes were hopeful.

"Andy, if I could, I would. But why? I'm just your son's nurse."

"YN, you are so much more than that. You care about Jacob. I know you talk to him, not just read. I saw you that day, caring for him. You put the blanket on me."

"I care for my patients and their families." You look down, not wanting to admit the feelings that were still there and growing for Andy.

"YN, sweetheart." He put his finger on your chin and gently lifted you head. "You're not alone. I feel something for you too."

"I can't Andy. I could lose my job." A single tear fell. "I'm sorry." You started to turn away.

"Please don't go. YN, please."

"What am I supposed to do Andy?"

"Just tell me I'm not alone in this. Please?"

You looked into his blue eyes. You could see the hope in them, the longing for the answer he knew was there. "You're not alone," you whispered. You pulled yourself away from him and went back to the nurse's station. You tried to calm yourself but nothing worked. Renee saw your face and pulled you aside.

"Honey? What happened?"

"He likes me too. But I can't. The hospital would fire me."

"Oh, sweetie." She wrapped her arms around you and let you cry. You felt your heart break into a million pieces.

Brave - Part 2

[v1rg1nvodkasprite]

Dr. Hardy → Ben Hardy

Summary

After years of college, you finally get a job at a hospital as a trainee. You and Ben, who also worked there, had dated for years until he cheated on you. After the breakup, you're both assigned to the same patient and tensions rise.

Warnings: mature themes, language, angst, mentions of cheating, mentions of stroke (minor)

Notes: this amazing concept was requested by @toms-irish-girl !! so sorry for the long wait, love. i hope you enjoy this! x

I slipped on the white, doctor coat from the closet that had a blue T ingraved on the front pocket. "Dr. Y/L/N, you've been assigned to the patient in room 308. Patient has suffered from a mild stroke, here is all their information," Lora from the front desk informed me, handing me a clipboard. I smiled to her before nodding, "Thank you."

I made my way to the elevator, pressing the up button. I tapped my foot, waiting as I scanned the clipboard. "Good morning," I heard a deep British voice from behind me.

I froze a bit and then sighed. "Ben, what're you doing?" I asked annoyed.

Him and I had dated and it was great and then he cheated. I was moving into his house, dropping some more boxes off at his.

Then, I found him and another doctor who worked at the hospital with us making out as she sat on the kitchen counter. Our relationship of 5 years ended with a heated argument.

He huffed and the elevator dinged. I walked in, pressing the button for the 3rd floor. "I guess we're both going to the same place then," Ben sighed and I rolled my eyes and didn't respond.

I continued to read the information on the patient on the clipboard infront of me. I made my way to room 308 with Ben following me. I didn't think anything of it until we turned into the same room.

I glared at Ben for a few seconds and then turned to the man laying in the hospital bed, a fake smile appeared on my face. "Hi, how are you today?" I asked, sweetly. I listened intently writing down some notes as the man listed off his concerns and symptoms.

"Alright! Seems like recovery is going good. I'll send a physical therapist to your room to help with the numbness in your feet and we'll probably do some more physical therapy. You're probably looking at a couple weeks stay. Let us know if we can do anything to make you more comfortable," I said with a smile.

Ben grabbed a prescription sheet, scribbling down on the small piece of paper. "I'm going to go ahead and prescribe a thrombolytic drug to help break up the blood clot. I'll have Dr. Y/L/N give you the injection," he said, gesturing towards me.

I sighed before filling out some information in the computer. "Dr. Y/L/N, I can take over from here," he said moving his towards the door, signaling for me to leave. I smiled a fake, sweet smile to him, "It's fine, Dr. Hardy. I'm trustworthy enough to do this."

He huffed and rolled his eyes, before leaving the room. After saying a while goodbye to the man, I left the room. I spotted Ben talking to a familiar woman.

She had dark brown hair and blue eyes. She was one of the prettier doctors working in this hospital. I recongnized her as the woman who Ben cheated on me with.

I looked away quickly as Ben made eye contact with me. As much as I loved my job and how grateful I was to have it, I hated working with him.

Even after a year and a half of being broken up and having ended your relationship, I still couldn't wrap my head around the fact that he could throw away everything we had. I sighed before making my way down the hallway to grab the drug for the patient in 308.

"So, Mr. Finley! I'm just going to add this and it shouldn't feel any different than what you're already taking in from the IV," I said before switching the bags of fluid.

"Is there anything that I can get for you?" I asked and he shook his head before I smiled and left the room. "How is he doing?" Ben asked, walking up to me. "He's doing okay. I just administered the drugs so either you or I should check up on him soon," I informed him.

I started to walk away, leaving Ben behind me. "Wait! Hey, Y/N," he called out to me. I rolled my eyes before turning around, "What is it, Ben?"

He smirked to me, "Just thought I should tell you how ravishing you look today. That's all," he said to me. I scoffed. He had been doing this shit for a few months, flitting with me continuously.

"Shut up," I muttered to him before striding off. I didn't understand why he would do all of this. I still had feelings for him but they for the most part broke me.

"Dr Y/L/N! How nice it is to see you!" a sweet but annoying voice called from across the hall. I rolled my eyes for what seemed like the thousandth time today before displaying a fake smile on my face.

"Hi! I'm good, how are you?" I asked the woman who Ben had cheated on me with. Maybe I should consider transferring to a new hospital. "I'm great! I was just wondering if you knew where Ben was?" she asked and I felt a pang at my chest.

"Just missed him. He was right down there last I saw," I said and she nodded before thanking me as I walked away.

My phone dinged, alerting me that I had received a text. It was an unknown number, "Meet me outside of room 254. Need to talk to you. -Ben" it read. I shook my head heading down one floor, deciding to meet with him.

I saw him from across the hall as I arrived at the 2nd floor. He looked a bit nervous but still held a confident posture as I walked to him.

"What did you need to talk about?" I asked, crossing my arms. "Look, I really miss you," he started and I rolled my eyes. I wasn't prepayto deal with this right now.

"Ben, you cheated. You should've thought about that before did that!" my voice started to rise as I became more aggravated. He looked down to the ground, scratching the back of his neck. "I know I did but I'm sorry. I still love you and I still want you. Please," he pleaded.

My heart broke a bit for him. As much as I missed him, I couldn't do that again. "I can't do that. I won't try to fix what we had. You hurt me so much and I can't risk that again. I'm sorry," I told him and he sighed before nodding understandingly.

"I'm sorry," he said before walking away, leaving me just as hurt as before.

taglist

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[flameontheotherside]

Moody Blues

Following my last entry about not having a piece of Erik and guilt about my TF journey, I had a small mental breakdown. I'm off a bulk of my meds since this pregnancy and I'm nearly at my wits-end. Triggers surrounding my grief over Erik are plenty. Especially in a few tv shows Ive been watching lately and of course my stubborness and refusal to stop watching until the end is no help. Fortunately I was able to finish the last season of one show and will have to wait MONTHS for a new one. I'm working on finishing the last seasons of another trigger happy show.

Rick and I got into a nasty fight. I can't take it anymore but he's convinced me to keep trying to do better. He apologized also for a lot of harsh things he said and I'm going to continue to talk to my therapist. I feel like a horrible person for letting my grief and frustration go out of control. So on my next talk with my therapist I will mention how Erik's death effects my relationships. This week I allowed Rick to tell my therapist what frustrated him about me so that I can work on that too. But being pregnant and grieving without all of my medications make me feel out of control and hopeless.

I was thinking maybe I should be alone.

Maybe the inability to love anyone since Erik's death broke me. I want to and tried but I can't. Does it mean I should be alone? Now that I am pregnant it doesn't feel like an option but I am always thinking about it. Am I just better off not ever in a relationship with anyone ever again if I cant love anyone as much as I love Erik? Should I sequester myself? Do I deserve to be alone as a consequence of his passing so long ago?

Erik doesn't want me to be alone. I deserve to have what I can't with Erik but do I really? Is it only right that I suffer alone so that I don't make others suffer with me? It's hard to answer. I never understood how I could move on in life with so much grief. I do the best I can. I love and support the best I can and I'm not perfect by any means. I hurt every single day and keep it mostly to myself.

😘💕 I love you guys...