#i can't stop thinking about the post i reblogged

[tododeku-or-bust]

(this post can be reblogged by nonblack people but don't act stupid in my tags)

I'm getting so frustrated with my people right now, and tbh, I can't even really be mad at us alone bc decades if not a century of effort has gone into convincing the Black community that Democrats/Liberals want what's best for us. Despite the ongoing pattern that we will be sold out the moment our support is not convenient or of use, that our needs will not be prioritized in the grand scheme.

Too many Black radical civil rights activists have spoken and written about this. Have written about how a Black or brown face in power does not mean it will serve the Black community as a whole, about how there is a classism issue within our community that lets the Black bourgeois think they know what's better for all of us... When in reality it's better for the wealthiest of us. It's not a flaw that we occasionally make it to the top, it's a feature, so that we can keep pretending we live in a "color blind" society. We don't. Only a specific few willing to play the same old game make it to the top for a reason.

There's a reason that multiple Black leaders that spoke of intercommunity solidarity and capitalism were assassinated, or had their reputations ruined, or chased out the country. I just... It's frustrating to watch to my own people take on that same white "I'm a temporarily depressed millionaire" mentality. Bro. The game was never built for us to win. otherwise it wouldn't be "white" supremacy. Stop fucking acquiescing to playing it and start holding the people who want your power accountable with it. Fuck.

[watercolor-hearts]

Soooo... Rosquez cardiophilia drawing?! 🤔👀

[teaboot]

if ur a murderbot nerd now do u have any fun opinions abt it yet?

Oh my goddd you have no idea

I really, really, really like Murderbot because it comes at life with this perspective we don't often see that is very real among people who have already been through traumatic experiences, who developed skills and abilities to suvive that were once useful but no longer have context- that search that traumatized people go through to recalibrate and reorient ourselves in a world where we no longer really need those things to survive.

A bit personal here, but my own issues personally involved a lot of psychological abuse that made it difficult to trust my own perceptions of reality, and as a result I found I was very easy to lie to and manipulate.

To handle this, I became obsessive over writing things down, cataloging details and making notes of things as they happened- I'd carry recording devices and make audio recordings and stay up late at night to transcribe what they'd picked up, read those over and over again to reassure myself of things I wasn't certain about.

While doing this, there were others close to me that I felt responsible for, who I had to protect from others and protect myself from at the same time. Life was about two things: Evidence, and defusing threats

Over time, I learned to trust myself as my memories matched what had been recorded where their narrative didn't, but I never really kicked the habit. Like Murderbot, I had added something to my own programming that reassured me I was safe, that I was in control of myself, that I couldn't be mistaken or crazy or broken or used.

I'm only on book two, but already I see myself in Murderbot again. No spoilers here, but when I left home- left that dangerous context- I didn't need to repeat these patterns to survive anymore, but I still did, because I didn't know anything else anymore. It felt safe, comfortable, knowing knowing that the past couldn't repeat itself, because I'd written that flaw- blind trust in myself-  out of my programming and replaced it with something else.

Still, though, I'd become something specially suited to thrive in a very specific environment. Nothing else felt right like followinghigh-risk situations, like witnessing and watching and recording and knowing I had proof of the truth where others might not.

People took notice. I wound up in security by accident, but's an environment that I thrive in due to the same patterns and behaviours I originally developed when I had no other choice. I climbed the ladder pretty quickly, once supervisors caught on that my reports were the most accurate, most objective, most factual, detail-oriented and timely. I keep others and myself safe and prioritize public safety above all else, and I perform well under pressure

Now I'm in a position where I often wonder, do I enjoy this job, or is it just what I'm good at? I have a set of skills now, but do I have the option of choosing not to use them? What would I be, if not this? Could I be anything else? Can Murderbot be anything else?

It has a set of skills that set it apart, make it different, special. It does what it knows best. But is it free? Does it want to be? What does it want? Does it have to do what it was built to do? What if it didn't?

I know what I'm good for. The idea of deliberately leaving what I'm good for for something uncertain, that I might hate, that I might be useless at- the choice to give up what was so important to me for so long and become deliberately obsolete?

Let go of my entire purpose? The only thing I know, that I fit so well into but don't actually know if I enjoy? Now that I can choose? Now that enjoyment is a luxury I can afford to consider?

Yeah, that resonates.

I like the Murderbot series so far because it feels the way I feel: Like the most significant and formative part of my story, the part where I became what I am, has already happened

And now I have to just. Keep going

Into... what?

It feels absurd. Like a microwave giving up on reheating food and deciding to start a life around abstract dance.

So, uh. Yeah. It's really very wild to see this same philosophical-ish dilemma I've been digging over in the back of my mind and in therapy for the last forever laid out so plainly in a genuinely exciting and enjoyable story like this. I feel much less alone, and I... kind of really need to see how it resolves, I think.

So, uh. Yeah. Read Murderbot, I guess

[r0semultiverse]

[becauseanders]

okay but can you fucking imagine the very first time anders delivers a baby outside of the circle, the very first time he hands a newborn to their parents, the very first time he holds a baby and doesn't just have to hand them off to a fucking templar never to be seen again, the very first time he wraps up a new baby and gets to see the joy in their parents' faces instead of the parents literally never once even laying eyes on this infant, the very first time he delivers a newborn and it's a happy day instead of a tragedy, can you fucking imagine… i mean he probably had to help with deliveries at kinloch hold right so just like, the very first time he takes part in a birth that is a joyous occasion has to sure be something for him and i uhh…yeah, i’m imagining it…

[nientedal]

"Zira" "Azi" "Az" SIGHHHHHH

is anybody else irritated at the widespread fandom nicknaming of Aziraphale and fucking nobody else? is that just me? because it really feels like a "oooh [wince-hisses through teeth], no, that's too long and weird. that's too hard. i'm gonna call you This instead" situation, and i do not care for it. it pissed me off when i was writing good omens fanfic thirteen years ago and it pisses me off now. you care enough about everyone else to get their names right, all the unusual demon and angel monikers, but oh no, Aziraphale, oh that's ten whole letters, that's way too long. oh you're not gonna bother to type all that, no, his name is just Zira now.

and like, he's not real, so this super duper does not matter and isn't deeply and incredibly shitty the way it is when it's directed at real people. but it still rubs me the wrong way every time i see it. that's not his name! why is his name not good enough for you to take the time to type out the way you do for everyone else! ugh.

[hrast-ika]

people scrolling through your tumblr archive and seeing posts from 10 years ago is just as embarrassing as if they read through your diary

pls know that i was 15 and an idiot

[beesinspades]

if i'm late to post the next chapter of my canon divergence fic in which wolfwood finds eriks stuck in his creechur form, this is why :3

[storytellering]

.

[steakout-05]

having social anxiety on tumblr dot com is so fucking frustrating cause like. i'll see a post i like and want to reblog but i do it with so so so much embarrassment because my brain's just thinking "oh god oh fuck im being so stupid right now what if op sees it and thinks im annoying" but like. they realistically would either not care at all or be happy about someone reblogging their post so like what the actual fuck am i afraid of??? but here's the kicker. the reason i have social anxiety in the first place is because i HAVE experienced these comically horrible social experiences of being judged and insulted for no reason before. multiple times. recently. the possibility of this happening is not a 0 chance. i have legitimate reasons to be afraid. and that is. actually horrific

[velvetvexations]

Here to support you. It’s understandable for you to be angry unfortunately. But you’ve got a handle on it I believe

someone I until a few minutes ago followed put a post on my dash and I went to OP's blog and they were like "I don't talk a lot about trans issues" and I was like "your post about it was really bad so maybe you should talk about it less" followed seconds later by instant regret and an apology for being too mean because telling trans people to not talk about transphobia is if nothing else a bad look

I've said this before but Fantasy High Junior Year was incredibly timed for me personally for being themed around rage (or at least attempting to be), because the discourse about it on Reddit prompted me to delete my account and come back to Tumblr where I've had to examine my anger issues a lot deeper than ever before

Kipperlilly Copperkettle may not be a kin but she turned out in a late-season twist to be more deeply relatable than I ever could have imagined and that was when my interest in her went from spiting the people that irrationally hated her to Queen of Velvet Blorbos

[across-stars]

‘‘Tell him he knows everything he needs to know and feels everything he needs to feel.’’

[starheirxero]

Tsams Eclipse 🤝 Nightmare Sans

Being a trans metaphor

[loudestcloud]

"Yamato, my sweet baby ___" "Best ___" "I love ___!" "___ is so cute!" It is kinda funny that we both need everyone to know exactly where we stand at all times.

[freckleslikestars]

genuinely do not get the point of replying to someone's gifset with 'I hate these characters. I stopped watching after they were introduced.' sorry you feel that way, but I don't actually give a shit. now get off my fucking post.

[wolpatinga]