#i can't promise my depression/motivation will improve this year

[parab0mb]

Another end of the year, another collage of this years art!! :D

Bit of rambling (and extra art) under cut:

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At least in terms of volume, I actually drew quite a lot this year, to the point where it was hard to choose what to put on this collage (since I try to limit it to 16 pieces). You should, like, totally look up the #myartwork tag on my blog so you don't miss out on all the other art and funny shitposts I did this year! ;P

It was kind of a mixed-bag for me this year quality-wise; I started off pretty strong and consistent at the start of the year (IMO) but to be perfectly honest with y'all I kinda got progressively fatigued and depressed due to IRL stuff, so I didn't have motivation to do much beyond simpler sketches/shitposts towards the end of year.

Still, I think I did some of my best stuff this year; two of my personal favorites from this year (and in general) are my Hatstache Week pic and the Hollow Code crossover.

I also branched out and did quite a bit of fanart this year (this was the year I replayed and became fucking obsessed with Crosscode) which was a nice excuse to come out of my shell a bit and interact with various fandoms more; I do want to try and draw more OCs next year since I did neglect them a bit, but I am a lot more comfortable about drawing fandom content now so that's nice C:

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Oh and uh, as a bonus/continued shameless self plug:

Here's a collage for my 2023 art that I completely forgot to post, since I'm quite proud of the stuff I did last year too.

So uh yeah... the #myartwork tag ;))))))

[skidqrow]

🐦‍⬛Work wasn't kind, but I did what I said I'd do! I made it through the shift! And in good news, while double-checking the schedule, my vacation starts a day early! Which means that next Friday will be free and devoted to packing, setting up threads, and relaxing.

I'll be gushing a lil' over some of my writing friends below, as well as going into a bit more detail about my IRL stuff. It's a lot, but I believe most of my mutuals have earned the right to know more about me and my personal life.

(If you don't wanna read it, no biggie! Some of it's gonna be kinda' heavy and I'm sure it'll be long.)

For anyone who has checked in on me (and/or been worried), I'm both sorry and grateful. ;u; You guys are really kind. I'd hardly expected to find such a wonderful group of writers when I rejoined. From @wintereign and a few others helping me reacclimate to writing on Tumblr and @caeloservare going out of their way to consistently chat and check on me, you lot have been among the best co-writers I could ask for. Definitely the best I've had in a long while, outside of my darling wife.

But I promise: I'm okay. I'm doing my best with support from my wife and occasionally the friends I've made as I write. I also go to therapy as often as I can afford to, I take my antidepressants, and (when the paperwork is working for me) I try to stay stocked up on my ADHD meds. I just constantly struggle with working a late-night shift in an overstimulating environment on overnight shift and within a system that doesn't want to accommodate my needs as a neurodivergent individual. And on bad days at work, it can really cause my energy, motivation, and focus to dip. Certainly doesn't help my depression and anxiety, I'll tell ya. I only discovered last year I officially had these issues via professional diagnosis sessions, and I've been fighting with work ever since to get onto an easier assignment. Yet therapy has really helped me learn about my needs and coping mechanisms, and now I can proudly say that I'm improving as a person. It really helps to look back at all the progress I've made at times.

Whenever I get my mood dips, it's always temporary. I might disappear for a day or two at times, but I can't stay away too long. :p The threads I read here and the passion people share over their characters/stories keep bringing me back! You guys are really good for my mental health, I think.

Anyway, I gabbed on long enough! I need to get to bed soon!

[thefanboyhub]

Fuck life.

Like genuinely fuck this shit, it's terrifying being thrown into adult responsibilities just because you chose yourself over other people.

My mother has single handedly made my life much worse, all because I chose my dad over her, her abusive mother, her emotionally absent older son, my precious baby brother, and her step father (that they bully because he has dementia).

Now I'm forced to not only abandon my barely in existence childhood I have left, learn how to navigate life as an adult, take on responsibilities with little— if any— help from her or other adults, all while trying to make my mental state better or at least some resemblance of stability. It was all thrusted onto me in such a short amount of time.

My mother, who I've known was two-faced for ages but chose to live in blissful ignorance because mommy would never treat me like that, turned on me entirely. My precious little brother that I've protected and cared for, even being called mom by him behind everyone's back at one point, not hates me.

I can't tell if I'm getting better or getting worse in my metal state. There are so many good things happening for me, I have a partner that adores me as much as I adore him, my dad loves and supports me, even tho I have very few I still have friends, my cat, I'm slowly getting better at taking care of myself and doing chores. On the other side, I'm having more episodes of paranoia, anxiety, depression, anger, I'm terrified of life, of people, I hallucinate a bit more frequently, I'm incredibly unhealthy, struggling to eat and sleep and even breathe properly, I feel both stressed and numb and scared all at once, everything is both underwhelming and overwhelming.

It's frustrating. I'm trying so hard to be a good person and fix myself but it seems like I'm being tossed between being better and being worse. One day I'll be happy, motivated, pleased, proud of what I've done and how well I'm improving. The next day I'll be back in that rut of self loathing, anger, overstimulated, and bad habits. I'm going between seeking new things and seeking for nostalgia. I'm in a fucking limbo, stuck between wanting to cling to the barely exiting childhood and needing to grow up even faster and more just to survive the world.

I'm scared. I'm so scared. I just wanted to keep myself safe, protect myself for once. It was the right choice, but it's so scary. It's so painful to have someone who's supposed to protect me and guide me, who failed once already and promised to never fail again, just to fail again— but this time intentionally. For years I held resentment back and tried to give her the benefit of the doubt, she was a single mom struggling to support her kids, all of them who've been traumatized in some way. A women who has been though things and has seen struggles. I pretended to ignore how two-faced she was, how she would lie about the smallest things, even ignoring how she never really did try to protect me from her mother. I pretend to ignore. I always remembered. It build up, but I denied it. I denied the truth that fueled my anger and resentment and hurt. I wanted to believe that mommy wouldn't do that, mommy is mommy. Mommy is my world. Mommy protected me.

She didn't. It hurts to think it, type it, say it. But she never did. Things she would say to me about my trauma was always in some way about her.

According to her, my biological father only molested and raped me as a 7 year old because he was obsessed with her and I was the closest thing to her he could have. That makes no sense considering the words he said to me, that no matter how hard I try I will never forget, "If you tell anyone I'll kill your mom and brothers and kidnap you away. We don't want that right?"

According to her, my biological father raped her and that's why I exist. So why did you let him around me? Why didn't you tell him to fuck off and kill himself when he showed up again? Why didn't you protect me from the start?

When I was begging, going as far as trying to kill myself as a cry for help, for her to get me away from her mother, my grandmother. All the hours I would sit by the garage door and listen to them argue, never once said how I did nothing wrong or how I'm a her child and to leave me alone. No. She would defend herself, "There is nothing wrong with how I raised my child." Why didn't you get me out of there the moment I wrote in my second suicide note that I was killing myself because of your mother? Why did you yell at me for it? Telling me I was forcing you to choose when I was just a child?

When I came out as trans, she ignored it. When I confronted her she got into a yelling match about how I don't know what I was talking about, that I know nothing, that I'm just going through a phase and how I need to get my head out of my ass. Somehow you turned the argument in a direction of privacy. When I yelled at you that I deserve to be treated fairly, that I should have to be forced to live in the loft with not walls or doors, forced to show you my journals, forced to let you go through my stuff— including my trash and clothes. When I yelled— no— begged for you to let me have a sliver of privacy and human decency, you responded by screaming at me. You screamed that "you are my fucking child" and that "you will get privacy and respect the day I die".

The first time we were kicked out by my grandmother you took us kids into your room, lecturing us about how we're being kicked out, why, and how it's our fault. You looked me in the eye, making it clear that this message was for me, and said, "I hope you're fucking happy. You got what you wanted. You forced me to choose."

The third time we were kicked out by her because she decided to fabricate a story about how I was talking about how I was going to kill her and how much I despise her. All I was doing was cleaning my bathroom while talking to myself about how I needed to work on my emotional regulation. She told you that lie and you came upstairs and instead of asking me if it was true you turned to screaming at me, asking me if I thought it was funny and if I was genuinely deranged. Then when things didn't resolve this time you came back upstairs after getting into a shouting match with her, you said it again. "Are you happy? You got what you wanted." I was up on my room that entire argument, my only thought was " I'm the problem. I should just kill myself. I can't cause any issues if I'm gone. Maybe then they'll get along." And I almost did. I was in my balcony, ready to drop. But kids came outside so I didn't do it.

When I came clean about it to the school because I was scared and I didn't know what else to do, you were mean to me. I can't remember what you said but whatever it was I can still feel the gut wrenching guilt, self hatred, and fear. Whatever you said was cold and harsh, making me wish I jumped even more.

When I was essentially assaulted by my current boyfriend at the time I texted you what happened and you fucking replied with, "Boys will be boys" and "Men think with their dicks". I was praying that you would comfort me and tell him to leave and reassure me that I was right to be scared and hurt. But no. You didn't even care. You just told me that stuff like this happens and that it's just what men do.

The day after I told you I wasn't leaving with you, that I was staying with my dad, you said I blind sighted you, attacked you. You tried to twist my words, using my little brother as well. I was so angry. So fucking angry. I am a lot of horrible things, but I am no liar. I hate liars. I hate that you made me a liar at one point. And you lied to me, trying to twist what I said. I sat there at that table while you lectured me about how awful I treated you, how I betrayed you. All I wanted to do was tell you to leave my home. But I didn't. Then you came back and cried in my arms. I felt nothing. Until my brother didn't even look or talk to me. That. That broke me.

The one person I loved more than anything, the one person I sacrificed everything for. The person I protected, letting myself go through sexual and physical abuse and then later mental abuse, now hated me. Because of you.

You were so angry that I reasonably chose to stay with my dad instead of going back to that home where I was kicked out for a lie, for words I did not say, by a women who has proven time and time again to hate me. You were so mad and hurt by this that you took away my purpose to live, the one reason I haven't killed myself. Then you left me completely helpless, shoving all these responsibilities, once again ripping my childhood, or what little that exists, away from me.

You turned on your own child, the one you hurt most. The one that was the most affected by your actions. You are no mother. You are no mom. You have ruined me. I am broken and unfixable because of you. As much as it hurts to say this, I hate you. You doomed me. I'm sorry.

[bongwaterbunny]

first. I want your motive. and the events that lead up to it. (note: sorry if I sound like im interrogating you im just. literally choking back tears and I don't know how to mask rn.)

this is Chibeni; Mia needs to take a break from talking for a bit so I'll be answering all your asks from here on out (yes, all of them. don't bother asking for her back, she is busy taking care of herself.) the main reason is that Mia feels pressured to help you, comfort you, be your cg, etc so much so that she can't take care of herself. at all. she can barely talk to her close friends without feeling like she's spent all her energy and going into a depressive state. she's Been in one for a while now. She's tried to express this to you in the past, but you have a Track record of begging to disregard someone's boundaries. on top of that, you've made several promises to improve yourself and put in the effort that other people have so badly tried to show you, and yet you seem to forget about it in a few day's time. while I'm not trying to be aggressive with you, I want to remind you that you are not owed answers or explanations after the horrendous off and on relationship you've had with Mia for the past? year? you've shown multiple abusive behaviors towards her and So many of my other friends. it's beyond making up for. I'm sure I speak for both of us when I say that I Sincerely hope you take accountability with your actions on a personal level and work to improve from there. Mia, however, doesn't want to continue her friendship with you in anytime in the future. I hope you understand.

[rileyandreagan-blog]

9-14-2023

My dearest Riley & Reagan,

its been over 3 years since I've written, and I'm so sorry for this absence. Riley, by now this has been a few letters in that I've written to you but Reagan, this is the first for you.

Girls, I'm sorry that most of what you read on here is always daddy being sad or daddy being depressed but honestly this is my way of venting and also giving you girls some insight into who mommy and daddy are. Mommy & daddy got married on a Friday, February 22nd 2019. as of today we have been married for a little over 4 years. Daddy loves you guys so much and I would do my best to never hurt you. 2 days ago on 9-12-2023, Mommy has decided that we separate and possibly get a divorce. Now, I just want you to know that this has nothing to do with you and you girls are our first priority. I don't want a separation and/or divorce but daddy has to let mommy go and have her space for now hoping that one day she will come back and love me again, just as much as she loves the both of you. Riley, I've told you before that I promise I would never lie to you and that I would always be open with whatever information you would want to know and I plan to hold that same promise to you, Reagan.

In the beginning, daddy wasn't always the best daddy. I was a bad guy who did nothing but selfish things and cared for nobody but myself. it took a long time for me to learn how to be the daddy that you know today and it wasn't an easy thing to do but I'm sure you'll hear the phrase "nothing worth it comes easy". I hurt mommy emotionally and also physically. I never beat her nor had any intentions on hurting her physically but there has been an instance where I threw her on the bed to prevent her from fighting with mama and she says I threw her against a wall. Now that's not how I recall it but I can't be the one to say I didn't do it if that's what she felt. I also pushed her aside to the point that she almost fell over trying to get Reagan out of the car. I'm not proud of these things and I completely regret my actions and how I was. I want to be the best example of how a man should treat your mom as well as you girls in the future when you decide to date. Now, Riley you're only 10 currently and Reagan you're only 2 so I have some time to get better and improve so that when the time comes I have all the tools I need to be a better daddy for you and hopefully a better husband for mommy.

Mommy wants a separation which means I had to move out of the house and back into mamas house so that she can have her space. This is only happening because daddy messed up and was flirting and talking to other women through text. Now, I just want you girls to know just what I told mommy. I never had intentions of meeting up or even being with anyone else but your mommy. I just wanted that emotional attention that your mommy wasn't able to give me. Mommy has also been very short, distant, and cold towards daddy for a few years now and that's what caused me to seek attention in other places. Just to be clear, what daddy did was wrong and it should have never happened. People make mistakes and its up to them to learn from it or run deeper into it.

Daddy's heart breaks every single day not having mommy around and it breaks even more because I can't see you girls every single day like I'm used to. I love and miss you guys and your mommy so much that this pain is making it hard for me to breathe. I've been surviving these past few days and just existing with no motivation or desire to do anything but sleep hoping that the time will pass by faster so that mommy and daddy can be together again. I can't sleep well, I can't eat, and I can't even think straight because I'm constantly thinking about you guys, my family. I've been praying for the past few years hoping that mommy can find her way back to me but so far it's been a hard uphill battle. It started making daddy sad and even sometimes mad. There's even been times I'm mad at God for not hearing my prayers and it's been making me not believe that he listens to daddy. I was listening to music hopefully to make me feel better and I came across a song that made me cry because it spoke to me and how I'm hurting.

"I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing Just prayin' to a God that I don't believe in 'Cause I got time while she got freedom 'Cause when a heart breaks no it don't break even"

I have hope that one day, mommy will love daddy just as much and we will be all together again, a family. I can't let you girls know enough that I love you with all my heart and I miss you.

you guys are still young and this might be confusing right now but one day, it'll be clear and easier to understand. I just want to say sorry for not being the best daddy you thought I was. I hope I can change that and you can forgive me and love me as much as I love you two and mommy. I'll do my best to write you more often and let you know how I am.

From the bottom of my heart with love,

Daddy

[nico-idc]

random vent because i'm numb rn and feel like it

This is a vent post, ill probably talk about su!cide, self h*rm, eating disorders and depression. I’ll also cuss a lot, and things will not be censored. Also, this may seem insensitive to people experiencing any of this, sorry about that.  Dont read this if youre triggered by that.

Also, this is my experience with mental health. Everyone deals with it differently. 

So, If anyone doesnt know, I have depression and anxiety. And right now, I’m feeling numb as it’s often described by people with depression. But, numb isn’t a very good description. I can still feel. I’ll still smile if you tell me a joke, or if something funny is on a video. I’ll still cry if there’s something super sad. Emotion is just watered down. I feel it, but not as much as I should. Me and my boyfriend were talking, and i couldnt tell him I loved him. It’s not becuase I dont love him, but I just cant feel much of anything, so I dont want to tell him I loved him. Becuase If i did that, I felt as though I was lying. The funniest thing is, I randomly started crying. Still felt nothing, but hey, I had tears streaming down my face. Who fucking knows why. 

I havent been doing to great for a while now, but this is the worst i’ve ever gotten. Ive never felt numb before. I mean, I’ve felt myself starting to go through the motions, but i’ve never gone completely numb before. And before this i’ve had a few mental breakdowns. Hell, I’ve sat in a corner twice in the past month or so doing nothing but sobbing and begging myself not to move so I dont grab something sharp and cut myself. (I did not relapse, don’t worry). and recently I completely broke down over simply eating a cereal bar, got through it, ate it. I’m good now. 

Figures. That does seem to be my experience. Oh no, big bad issue one time, then magically I just talk myself out of my bullshit, and im fixed. Ha ha, yet I act like I have all these issues. I mean, I didnt even attempt to starve myself, just thought “oh, friends and family wont let me” and didnt. Had a breakdown about a year later, been fine since. Cut for a few months, went to therapy for a few months, stopped cutting. had a few breakdowns about a year or two later, then was fine. was suicidal for a while, went to therapy for a bit, was happy for months. Had breakdowns every now and then, fine now.

ha ha, first time I say alot of this is online. Figures. I’ve done that a lot too. My boyfriend has found out a bit about my depression through this site. Becuase I cant talk to my boyfriend about my shit, but hey random people on the internet! hear about my problems.

So on another note, I recently found a song that describes part of depression pretty well. It’s called “i’m not dead” by boyinaband. it’s linked below, I’ll copy paste the lyrics, and explain how I relate, and what the lyrics mean to me, becuase why not? (lyrics will be in bold)

I'm not dead

I'm not fixed, but I'm not giving up yet

Basically, this means that im still here, im still depressed, but I’m still trying to fight depression. 

I'm sick of saying that I still don't have anything done

I hate telling friends I'm trying something just to give it up

I never commit to anything, I just say I’ll do something, then decide I dont want to.

I'm still unsure of my emotional state

I'm still incapable of focusing lately

I don't feel like creating

I'm tired of asking Google how to find motivation

I’ve been on break from writing for months now. tried to get back to it, lost concentration. I think this is self explanatory. 

I don't think I've ever made

Something that's as good as I'm capable of

Ha, I dont put in enough effort and commitment to make something as good as possible.

I hate not having a reason to look my best

I only ever take care of myself with the intent to show the internet

I mean, I dont try to show the internet, but I only take care of myself when other people will see me.

If what made me successful was an imposed sense of stress then

I am so so glad that I hated myself

The only thing that makes me do things is extreme stress.

I didn't luck into this position

I struggle with decisions

I mean, im not in any high position, but I do struggle with decisions. 

I wouldn't be my own friend

I'm too inconsistent

I’m inconsistent as hell. I’m in like 10 group chats, don't talk in any of them for months, then just show up like “hi, havent talked to you all in ages, but hi”. 

Without immense pressure nothing ever gets finished

If these words make it to your ears it'll be a fucking miracle.

Yep. I went on  whole rant about this on wattpad. Without pressure to do something, I don’t do it.

I'm fortunate to know more good people than most do

I wish I had more friends I could be physically close to

I dont personally have a lot of friends that dont live in my city, so the last line isnt an issue, but I do know a lot of good people”

I'm pretty good at like 20 different skill sets

At the expense of never being great at any one of them

I’m good at quite a few things. Drawing, math, even writing. But im not great at it. I’m average.

I wish this beat hit harder

I wish more syllables rhymed

I know 99 percent of people really don't mind

I dont personally relate to this, seeing as I dont make music.

I think collaborating forced me to finish things

'Cause I was terrified of wasting famous people's time

Oh yeah. Group projects would not get done if i wasnt scared of wasting my partner’s time.

I wish I could focus on what I define priority

I wish I was as grateful as I want to be

Dont really relate to these things

I wish I knew more people who were mentally stable

But if I did,

I wouldn't let them waste their time on me while I'm disabled

Oh yeah. Id love to have a friend who isnt depressed, but I wouldnt let them see that im fucked up becuase i dont wanna drag them down.

I feel alone

I know I'm not

I have a lot of friends, but I still fell alone in this world

I used to talk to lots of people.

Lately I've stopped

They didn't deserve it,

I've been a terrible friend.

But I couldn't bear to let myself become boring to them

I ignore group chats all the time. no reason. Probably shouldnt. 

I don't let myself get my hopes up.

I love people who do.

Something good happens? what could go wrong? that is my thought precess.

I never know if what I say I feel is the truth

I have no damn Idea what I think, so its so hard to know what the truth in my head is.

I wish I didn't instinctively try to be less specific

So more people could relate, when they read along with the lyrics.

Not lyrics, but if i write/explain something, I immediately generalize things so its relateable.

I can be happy in the moment

I am not when I reflect

I smile watching youtube, but then I look back and think about how I wasted time.

I distract myself with gaming, waiting to get better

I hate it

Youtube will cure depression right? /s

I wanna do the most good, and prevent the most hurt

But I've gotta put on my own oxygen mask first

This is just an important phrase I try to remember when I’m down. for people who dont do well with metaphors, he’s saying that if you want to help people, you need to help yourself first. 

I can't predict what I'll do.

I can never be sure

I am terrified of making promises any more

I can't face my work,

I feel sick from the word

I genuinely believe I'm capable of changing the world

Don’t relate much here, except for the more positive, upbeat tone the song takes on, and i feel that this part, the part above and everything below is dave fighting his depression.

I still think I can get better

I’m holding onto hope.

I still think I can create and get pleasure from it

I hope so, I want my art and writing to improve.

I'll keep aiming to make my emotion and my logic agree

The eternal stuggle. I always try to get the two to line up, it rarely works. I try to use logic more often though.

And become the best version of me

Always trying to improve myself.

I don't want to stop!

I don't want to stop!

I don't want to stop!

I don't want to stop!

There’s alot this could mean. I dont want to stop creating. I dont want to stop fighting. I dont want to stop getting better. I dont want to stop living. I relate to all these things.

I’ll expand on this more later, it’s too late now for me to continue this