#i can't promise my depression/motivation will improve this year

[parab0mb]

Another end of the year, another collage of this years art!! :D

Bit of rambling (and extra art) under cut:

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At least in terms of volume, I actually drew quite a lot this year, to the point where it was hard to choose what to put on this collage (since I try to limit it to 16 pieces). You should, like, totally look up the #myartwork tag on my blog so you don't miss out on all the other art and funny shitposts I did this year! ;P

It was kind of a mixed-bag for me this year quality-wise; I started off pretty strong and consistent at the start of the year (IMO) but to be perfectly honest with y'all I kinda got progressively fatigued and depressed due to IRL stuff, so I didn't have motivation to do much beyond simpler sketches/shitposts towards the end of year.

Still, I think I did some of my best stuff this year; two of my personal favorites from this year (and in general) are my Hatstache Week pic and the Hollow Code crossover.

I also branched out and did quite a bit of fanart this year (this was the year I replayed and became fucking obsessed with Crosscode) which was a nice excuse to come out of my shell a bit and interact with various fandoms more; I do want to try and draw more OCs next year since I did neglect them a bit, but I am a lot more comfortable about drawing fandom content now so that's nice C:

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Oh and uh, as a bonus/continued shameless self plug:

Here's a collage for my 2023 art that I completely forgot to post, since I'm quite proud of the stuff I did last year too.

So uh yeah... the #myartwork tag ;))))))

[thefanboyhub]

Fuck life.

Like genuinely fuck this shit, it's terrifying being thrown into adult responsibilities just because you chose yourself over other people.

My mother has single handedly made my life much worse, all because I chose my dad over her, her abusive mother, her emotionally absent older son, my precious baby brother, and her step father (that they bully because he has dementia).

Now I'm forced to not only abandon my barely in existence childhood I have left, learn how to navigate life as an adult, take on responsibilities with little— if any— help from her or other adults, all while trying to make my mental state better or at least some resemblance of stability. It was all thrusted onto me in such a short amount of time.

My mother, who I've known was two-faced for ages but chose to live in blissful ignorance because mommy would never treat me like that, turned on me entirely. My precious little brother that I've protected and cared for, even being called mom by him behind everyone's back at one point, not hates me.

I can't tell if I'm getting better or getting worse in my metal state. There are so many good things happening for me, I have a partner that adores me as much as I adore him, my dad loves and supports me, even tho I have very few I still have friends, my cat, I'm slowly getting better at taking care of myself and doing chores. On the other side, I'm having more episodes of paranoia, anxiety, depression, anger, I'm terrified of life, of people, I hallucinate a bit more frequently, I'm incredibly unhealthy, struggling to eat and sleep and even breathe properly, I feel both stressed and numb and scared all at once, everything is both underwhelming and overwhelming.

It's frustrating. I'm trying so hard to be a good person and fix myself but it seems like I'm being tossed between being better and being worse. One day I'll be happy, motivated, pleased, proud of what I've done and how well I'm improving. The next day I'll be back in that rut of self loathing, anger, overstimulated, and bad habits. I'm going between seeking new things and seeking for nostalgia. I'm in a fucking limbo, stuck between wanting to cling to the barely exiting childhood and needing to grow up even faster and more just to survive the world.

I'm scared. I'm so scared. I just wanted to keep myself safe, protect myself for once. It was the right choice, but it's so scary. It's so painful to have someone who's supposed to protect me and guide me, who failed once already and promised to never fail again, just to fail again— but this time intentionally. For years I held resentment back and tried to give her the benefit of the doubt, she was a single mom struggling to support her kids, all of them who've been traumatized in some way. A women who has been though things and has seen struggles. I pretended to ignore how two-faced she was, how she would lie about the smallest things, even ignoring how she never really did try to protect me from her mother. I pretend to ignore. I always remembered. It build up, but I denied it. I denied the truth that fueled my anger and resentment and hurt. I wanted to believe that mommy wouldn't do that, mommy is mommy. Mommy is my world. Mommy protected me.

She didn't. It hurts to think it, type it, say it. But she never did. Things she would say to me about my trauma was always in some way about her.

According to her, my biological father only molested and raped me as a 7 year old because he was obsessed with her and I was the closest thing to her he could have. That makes no sense considering the words he said to me, that no matter how hard I try I will never forget, "If you tell anyone I'll kill your mom and brothers and kidnap you away. We don't want that right?"

According to her, my biological father raped her and that's why I exist. So why did you let him around me? Why didn't you tell him to fuck off and kill himself when he showed up again? Why didn't you protect me from the start?

When I was begging, going as far as trying to kill myself as a cry for help, for her to get me away from her mother, my grandmother. All the hours I would sit by the garage door and listen to them argue, never once said how I did nothing wrong or how I'm a her child and to leave me alone. No. She would defend herself, "There is nothing wrong with how I raised my child." Why didn't you get me out of there the moment I wrote in my second suicide note that I was killing myself because of your mother? Why did you yell at me for it? Telling me I was forcing you to choose when I was just a child?

When I came out as trans, she ignored it. When I confronted her she got into a yelling match about how I don't know what I was talking about, that I know nothing, that I'm just going through a phase and how I need to get my head out of my ass. Somehow you turned the argument in a direction of privacy. When I yelled at you that I deserve to be treated fairly, that I should have to be forced to live in the loft with not walls or doors, forced to show you my journals, forced to let you go through my stuff— including my trash and clothes. When I yelled— no— begged for you to let me have a sliver of privacy and human decency, you responded by screaming at me. You screamed that "you are my fucking child" and that "you will get privacy and respect the day I die".

The first time we were kicked out by my grandmother you took us kids into your room, lecturing us about how we're being kicked out, why, and how it's our fault. You looked me in the eye, making it clear that this message was for me, and said, "I hope you're fucking happy. You got what you wanted. You forced me to choose."

The third time we were kicked out by her because she decided to fabricate a story about how I was talking about how I was going to kill her and how much I despise her. All I was doing was cleaning my bathroom while talking to myself about how I needed to work on my emotional regulation. She told you that lie and you came upstairs and instead of asking me if it was true you turned to screaming at me, asking me if I thought it was funny and if I was genuinely deranged. Then when things didn't resolve this time you came back upstairs after getting into a shouting match with her, you said it again. "Are you happy? You got what you wanted." I was up on my room that entire argument, my only thought was " I'm the problem. I should just kill myself. I can't cause any issues if I'm gone. Maybe then they'll get along." And I almost did. I was in my balcony, ready to drop. But kids came outside so I didn't do it.

When I came clean about it to the school because I was scared and I didn't know what else to do, you were mean to me. I can't remember what you said but whatever it was I can still feel the gut wrenching guilt, self hatred, and fear. Whatever you said was cold and harsh, making me wish I jumped even more.

When I was essentially assaulted by my current boyfriend at the time I texted you what happened and you fucking replied with, "Boys will be boys" and "Men think with their dicks". I was praying that you would comfort me and tell him to leave and reassure me that I was right to be scared and hurt. But no. You didn't even care. You just told me that stuff like this happens and that it's just what men do.

The day after I told you I wasn't leaving with you, that I was staying with my dad, you said I blind sighted you, attacked you. You tried to twist my words, using my little brother as well. I was so angry. So fucking angry. I am a lot of horrible things, but I am no liar. I hate liars. I hate that you made me a liar at one point. And you lied to me, trying to twist what I said. I sat there at that table while you lectured me about how awful I treated you, how I betrayed you. All I wanted to do was tell you to leave my home. But I didn't. Then you came back and cried in my arms. I felt nothing. Until my brother didn't even look or talk to me. That. That broke me.

The one person I loved more than anything, the one person I sacrificed everything for. The person I protected, letting myself go through sexual and physical abuse and then later mental abuse, now hated me. Because of you.

You were so angry that I reasonably chose to stay with my dad instead of going back to that home where I was kicked out for a lie, for words I did not say, by a women who has proven time and time again to hate me. You were so mad and hurt by this that you took away my purpose to live, the one reason I haven't killed myself. Then you left me completely helpless, shoving all these responsibilities, once again ripping my childhood, or what little that exists, away from me.

You turned on your own child, the one you hurt most. The one that was the most affected by your actions. You are no mother. You are no mom. You have ruined me. I am broken and unfixable because of you. As much as it hurts to say this, I hate you. You doomed me. I'm sorry.

[bongwaterbunny]

first. I want your motive. and the events that lead up to it. (note: sorry if I sound like im interrogating you im just. literally choking back tears and I don't know how to mask rn.)

this is Chibeni; Mia needs to take a break from talking for a bit so I'll be answering all your asks from here on out (yes, all of them. don't bother asking for her back, she is busy taking care of herself.) the main reason is that Mia feels pressured to help you, comfort you, be your cg, etc so much so that she can't take care of herself. at all. she can barely talk to her close friends without feeling like she's spent all her energy and going into a depressive state. she's Been in one for a while now. She's tried to express this to you in the past, but you have a Track record of begging to disregard someone's boundaries. on top of that, you've made several promises to improve yourself and put in the effort that other people have so badly tried to show you, and yet you seem to forget about it in a few day's time. while I'm not trying to be aggressive with you, I want to remind you that you are not owed answers or explanations after the horrendous off and on relationship you've had with Mia for the past? year? you've shown multiple abusive behaviors towards her and So many of my other friends. it's beyond making up for. I'm sure I speak for both of us when I say that I Sincerely hope you take accountability with your actions on a personal level and work to improve from there. Mia, however, doesn't want to continue her friendship with you in anytime in the future. I hope you understand.