#i can't believe i made this lol. so much work... i've always wanted to animate!!!!!! ITS REALLY FUN!!!!!!

[namisweatheria]

This was supposed to have a couple other effects on it but I formatted it wrong and gave up lol. My first animation ever!!!!!!!!!!

[ecrivainalene]

Leviathan Panel at Otakon 2024

I was OVERJOYED to be at the Leviathan panel during Otakon 2024! I'll do my best to recap it below, but if you want a more coherent play by play, this Twitter user did an excellent job.

I've got a handful of photos, recap of Sharp Gender Discussion, plus misc. things I remember.

Not everyone was up for the entire time, but I snapped this photo near the end when everyone was on stage! From left to right: Waki Kiyotaka (Studio Orange), Yoshihiro Watanabe (Studio Orange), Scott Westerfeld, Christophe Ferreira (Quibic Pictures), Justin Leach (Quibic Pictures), Katrina Minett (Quibic Pictures), and Diana Garnet (ending theme vocalist).

New concept art! Looks like Dr. Barlow, Klopp, Alek, and Sharp, right before the Germans attack the Leviathan.

More under the cut!

Alternative shot of that art bc I couldn't get my lighting right:

Clanker and Darwinist technology designs. Watanave explained that Studio Orange's early days were spent doing contract work on Gundam anime, so I can't wait to see how that translates to the Clanker machines.

Some more concept art:

By the way, the entire series is being adapted at once - so we'll get the complete story at once! That in mind, the second image here makes me think of that maneuver near the beginning of Goliath to pick up the cargo.

Sharp!!! Look at them!!!

I don't have much to say about these but I'm fairly sure I hadn't seen them before. I am wondering if they downsized Alek's crew for the sake of the story, or perhaps we just haven't seem Bauer and Hoffman yet.

We got some new character art! The panel was very cryptic about who the character designer is. Apparently they're pretty well known, but they can't share it yet!

Volger I am so sorry your photo was unfocused. Forgive me.

The panel jokingly described him as "Alek's dad," which feels accurate. And maybe I misunderstood, but it sounds like he plays an even more important role in the anime than he does in the books. I've always considered Volger to be a pretty important character, so I wonder what else he'll do in this new series.

Klopp looks exactly like how I pictured him in my mind!! They said if Volger is Alek's dad, then Klopp is like his mom. Which is very fair but also made me laugh a lot.

Dr. Barlow!! She looks amazing. There was a lot of talk about the dynamic between her and Volger and how they're often playing mental chess games with each other. I'm really glad they're leaning into that dynamic.

And one more concept art:

This looks like the visit to Istanbul, which I'm desperately hoping means we'll see my favorite chaotic bisexual, Lilit.

That's all of the photos I have! They also showed us a preview of the show plus a live performance of the ending song with Diana Garnet. No video recording was allowed and I don't break rules, but believe me when I tell you it was stunning. The world feels so full of life and adventure and I can't wait to see the final show.

Tbh I was too busy holding back tears of joy but one thing I remember distinctly is there's a shot of Sharp getting ready for the day, and we see a sheet of paper with a bunch of names written and crossed out before finally (I think) "Dylan" is circled.

Which actually brings me to the Q&A part. TLDR, between the use of "Sharp" for Deryn's name, Scott referring to Sharp as "she/he/they" during the panel, and the scene I mentioned earlier, I feel really hopeful about how they're approaching Deryn's gender and identity in this adaptation.

I asked a question about this at the Q&A and voice recorded it, so I'll try to transcribe it here as best I can because the audio is not great lol. I stumbled through my question so I trimmed it down here but I'll transcribe the response as clearly as I can!

Me: I just finished re-reading [the series] for the first time since I was probably in high school, and one of the things that interests me about this adaptation is the approach to Sharp's character... I guess I'm just interested, like, was there a lot of thought put behind, or what kind of thought was put behind how to approach their character in the anime, I guess as a chance to re-approach the story however many years after it was originally written.

Scott Westerfeld: Yeah, there's a lot to that. The "girl dressing as a boy" as a trope was something completely different in 2007 when I started writing this than it is now. And so we really approached Deryn's identity as what was at stake rather than just... rather than just her being in disguise, it's about their recreating themselves and becoming a different person and transitioning and, and so... but it's always been interesting to me that the words that I wrote back in 2009, 10, 11, y'know, as an old guy who grew up in Texas in the 70s - who was David Bowie fan! - but otherwise didn't have a lot of access into issues of gender, I'm amazed at how many people have been [able to?] adopt Deryn/Dylan as one of their own. I just got an email a week ago from a trans boy whose chosen name is Dylan. So it is amazing to me how whatever imperfections or whatever problematics there are in the text, people still find their way into what they need from a character. And as a writer, I can say that I always respected that character, I always respected their choices, I always respected who they were. I never tried to stick them into a dress and have everyone go "Ooh now you're pretty 'because 'cause you're in dress!" We didn't do that, and I think that what may be important for people and I think that's why it's still what's gonna work here, but it's been fun to be able to update it and everybody on the team's been really great about understanding that.

TLDR I don't want to get anyone's hopes up too high, but I'm really appreciative of the care that's being taken with Sharp's story and identity in this adaptation. It seems like Scott and the others on the team are taking that into account, and I'm excited to see how it plays out.

Other random things I remember:

THERE WAS AN ALEK COSPLAYER. I took a photo with them but I won't post it without their consent. Just trust that they looked fantastic.

Scott said one of the first things he was told was that Alek can't actually kill Nikola Tesla because he's too well loved by people in Japan, which I think is the funniest possible reason for a change to be made in an adaptation.

Diana Garnet (they/any) mentioned how much they love Sharp (don't we all) and also how they used to work at a Barnes and Noble and remembers selling lots of Westerfeld books!

Scott said his approach in writing Leviathan was taking everything he'd always wanted to write about and basically throwing it together, because he was just coming off of the success of Uglies and figured he could get away with it.

If I remember anything else I'll add on to this post! Overall, it was a wonderful panel and I'm incredibly excited for this project.

[exo-raskreia]

I have always been an IR shipper. Earlier, I used to be indifferent to IH but now I just hate it. Thousand Year Blood War Arc is trying so hard to push IH that it's irritating. Ichigo is not in his character. He's a completely different person now. He's not that brash but endearing character I knew. Funny how he's acting lovey dovey around Orihime but still calling her Inoue lol.

I hate how IH shippers compare their ship with every every other Canon ship especially Naruhina, IzuOcha, Erenmika. When they get called out they try to uplift their ship by bringing other ships down. Like do they realize theirs is the only ship Where they Boy and the Girl don't understand each other at all. Theirs is the only ship where the Boy and Girl don't call each other by their names( though they are supposed to be friends but idc) Seriously every single thing Orihime knows about Ichigo is hearing it from someone else. Ichigo never told his insecurities to her. I seriously wonder how does their marriage even work? Like does she have to call Rukia every time Ichigo gets depressed. For real, she cannot even cheer him up lol. Ichigo also does not really know much about Orihime. Give me one instance where He called her strong. There is none.

IH shippers force people to believe that Orihime's love for Ichigo was real. Funny thing is IH started from Orihime crushing on Ichigo but Never once I felt that Yes, she really does love him. She NEVER had that impact in his life. She never fought for him, nor risked her life for him. Who did all of this? Rukia. She made an impact on his life and Saved him countless times. Ichigo considered her his true soulmate and Saved her too. It's So insulting how IH shippers call Ichigo was returning the favour to Rukia by saving her or He was obliged to save Her. They try so hard to downplay Ichigo and Rukia's bond that in the process they shit on Ichigo's character.

They compare Orihime to Masaki, the mother who died protecting Ichigo. They also compare Orihime to Hinata, who made sacrifices for Naruto and almost died protecting him same as his mother Kushina did. Like Ori has no Character of her own and only by mentioning other great female characters who actually impacted the Main character's life they think they can give validation to IH.

TYBW completely removed Rukia from anywhere near Ichigo. Why so? To develop the already Canon ship. IH has always been a minority group and Kubo is so scared to even give a single IR scene since he knows The IR fandom is still active and still massive. It's so funny how Rukia has to be completely removed from Ichigo's life to make his relation with Orihime function. Must be pathetic to be in the IH fandom. They say We IRs are the ones insecure of them, when it reality their own fav Ori was so jealous and insecure of Ichigo and Rukia's relation that she cried pathetically. She even commented about their 'Chemistry'. She tried to convince Ichigo not to save Rukia by manipulating him but it didn't work. Ichigo had no idea what kind of a person Ori was by then otherwise he would have cut off what tid bits of friendship he had with her.

Sorry of the lost post. Wanted to get things off my chest. I just couldn't stand this IH glazing in TYBW arc..😮‍💨

Totally agree, anon! You cooked!

The fact Kub0 & Pierrot have to push Rukia aside to "try" throwing some scraps to IH says a lot... Her presence is too powerful, too impactful, that she gets Ichigo's undivided attention every time... Their interactions overshadow everything else around them...

I don't watch the TYBW anime, but I heard IH got some crumbs, tho it doesn't seem like anything to fangirl over? Like the bar is too low 😬. He still ignores her from what I've heard? They can't make him pay too much attention to her cuz then it'd be OOC, lol.

It's pathetic how IH's try to compare IH to other canon ships. Ships it only shares superficial similarities with. All those ships came to an understanding, impacted each other's lives, have actual content from the authors themselves (even if little), & are quite beloved by fans to this day. IH is NOT a beloved ship & despite being canon for almost 10 years, they have no content nor apparent love from the author nor his affiliates. Saddest canon ship in battle shounen (alongside RR) 💀.

No chemistry, no development, no color spreads, no big confession (Ori's silly confession to an unconscious Ichigo does NOT count), no kiss, no bonding moment, nothing. Severely unpopular for a canon ship in a battle shounen (the impact of IR was, & still is, too strong). Japanese fans don't even care about IH (maybe that's why SJ & Pierrot don't bother giving IH much of anything; they know how unpopular it is 💀). Maybe that's why IH's try to ride on the coattails of other canon ships, as they can barely stand on their own. The "canon" label is the only thing keeping IH afloat. And the "non-canon" label is the ONLY thing keeping some ppl from shipping IR (and/or openly, at that) 🫢.

Ori only had a shallow crush on Ichigo cuz not once did she prove any real love. As u said, she had no impact on him, never risked her life for him like Rukia did or any other shounen girl like Hinata & Mikasa did for their loves. Definitely a disservice to those girls, even Masaki & Kushina, to compare Ori to them. Ichigo never acknowledged her. He never thought her strong nor amazing. Ori did NOT have what it takes to be a heroine nor love interest to the MC (and that's Kub0's fault for not developing her & wasting her early potential).

But yeah, must be sad to be in the IH fandom... being canon but have no real content to brag about & mostly dudebros seem to defend it 😬... Imagine your ship being carried by dudebros... 💀

[rttnpnkpmpkn]

What's next for your new update?

That's a good question! Mostly because I'm overthinking the many definitions of what you mean by that lol Most very finished drawings are done out of the spur of the moment and only finished months after baking in my noggin!

Artistically wise, I've been learning new techniques and playing around with my newly acquired "toys"! I'm forever grateful to the people who made it happen with their support! They believed in me and I attempted to make their vision happen in return! You can find some past work on my KOFI! I also have a throne that I'll eventually use for art supplies if anyone wants to chip in and indulge my creative streak! It's not required, but I appreciate every penny to offset my expenses for my hobby and you'll know where the money goes! Support doesn't only have to be monetary-wise. I love reading everyone's comments even if I can't reply to all of them, and some even made me laugh! Humor is a great alternative currency I must add! Please continue to show the fandom spirit I've always known it could be! 💯🙌❤️‍🔥

Warm myself up into doing small comics and animation! It's not really in my forte, but they were fun to do and I want to get back into it slowly! I drafted up a few, but let's see if I can commit myself to finishing up the bite-sized punchlines!

GOAL: Improve my workflow and coping techniques to handle long-term projects! It's easier to start a project, but not finish it! So far, fanarts are my vehicle for that purpose, since the brain rot helps keep my concentration on point. I eventually want to work on originals, but the motivation is not quite there...Applying that when inspiration hits the mood is a matter of self-discovery!

I wish I have better things to share, but it's been pretty uninteresting on my part ;w; especially when my social battery has been busted to heck and back! I'm currently undergoing my "Turtle" arc, so I'm currently recuperating until I muster enough energy to get out my shell again and try not to doom scroll as much. I'm responsible for my wretched lifestyle, so I have to focus on my priorities offline at times and make sure I'm working at the battery level🔋 I want to be at! ^^;;

Thanks for asking and have a good one! 🎃🌸💖

[minijenn]

Jen Tortures Herself With Every Dreamworks Animated Movie Ever: Prince of Egypt

Papa Bless (literally) its time for me to talk about one of my favorite animated movies, nay, one of my favorite MOVIES ever made. Prince of Egypt is a work of art. Hands down, it is one of the most incredible movies I have ever seen. I'm not even religious (I did grow up Christian and am now a Filthy Heathen but that's beside the point). The real point is that this movie is one that I think can be enjoyed by anyone reguardless of religion. At its core, they took a simple biblical story and turned it into something with raw passion and emotion and art. And I simply adore it.

Every time I watch this movie, its such an experience for me. I always fall in love with new things, from the fantastic character designs, to the insanely lovely animation to the beautiful songs and score to the way the story is told and the emotions the characters go through with it. Everything in this movie feels huge, weighty, and important. It's very respectful to its source material while making changes that make it work better as a film, particularly the brotherly dynamic between Moses and Rameses that adds a whole new layer of drama onto the story.

As for that story, we all know the Exodus story by now so I'll spare you on that and discuss the things the movie does on its own. That dynamic between Moses and Rameses is at the heart of the movie and it really is just a devestating tragedy to watch them break apart and become enemies because of the huge responsibilities thrust onto both of their shoulders. The fact that tragedy ends on such a heartcrushing note too its just... god. (literally god, get it? cause this is all his fault lol jk ok)

Moses is fantastically written, a great main character to follow who has compelling drama, at first about his true identity and how he struggles to comes to terms with it and then grappling with having to oppose Rameses to set the Hebrews free. Rameses himself may just be one of Dreamworks best villains, you really do feel bad for him but you also know he's bringing so much of this suffering on himself because of his own stubborn pride. The rest of the cast is also fantastic, Tzipporah is lovely and really fun, Miriam is an absolute sweetheart, Aaron is a sassy little loser but I love how he comes around in the end, and well, God is God (the burning bush scene tho, can we talk about that? fucking INSANE)

The MUSIC man, each song is SO damn good its hard for me to even pick a favorite. Deliver Us is such a strong opening, a wonderful way to set the stage that makes the stakes feel high right from the start. All I Ever Wanted is a great way to show the life Moses always knew cracking from the inside out. Through Heaven's Eyes is just a bop with a lovely message about change and growth. Playing with the Big Boys is delightfully sinister and the Plagues, oh GOD THE PLAGUES???? INSANE MAN SO DRAMATIC AND INTENSE AND THE IMAGERY IS JUST??!?!?! BRUH! When You Believe might be my favorite though, it starts out somber but grows into this hopeful triumph of excitement and relief and its absolutely beautiful.

This movie is so beautiful to look at too! The composition of some of these shots, the storyboarding, the facial expressions, the set pieces, the movement of the animation, its all so expertly crafted, so entrancing to watch every second of it. Like I said at the start, this movie truly is an utter work of art in every sence of the word.

I've been gushing about this movie for long enough I think, but I can't help it! It's honestly that good! And its so hard to believe that it came hot off the heels of a trash heap like Antz. Like bruh how were they cooking that shit and the godsend that is Prince of Egypt at the same time??? Insane, utterly insane. This studio is ridiculous.

Anyway, Prince of Egypt is the GOAT and I will fight you if you disagree.

Overall Rating: 10/10

Verdict: Tzipporah marry me pls

Previous Review (Antz)

Next Review (Road to El Dorado)

[gojuo]

Finally decided to drop the show lol I just can't with what the show runners are doing.

honestly if I get to choose how hotd was adapted I would have preferred it taken to an animation studio that knows to respect the source material, like the teams that worked with 86 and The Apothecary Diaries which are both light novels? You would feel the love, care, and respect the teams for those shows. esp 86, there were scenes and anime OG scenes that made the story even better than the LN, ofc they are not perfect adaptations, but if the same love and care was given to hotd and not this bs bias and etc, I won't even consider dropping it.

(also not me thinking that Yuichi Nakamura/Gojo's VA would be the perfect Aegon? 😂)

the latest leaks are sssooooooooo baddd omg i can't believe how bad it is 😭😭 why do producers/writers of adaptations think i want to see their made up shit storylines like i read this thing for GRRM not for YOU. why tf do they feel the need to change the canon? changing the source material is the fastest way for me to lose interest and ngl i feel the same on dropping the show bc i already don't watch tb scenes and i've pretty much stopped caring about show team green as well except aegon so what's the point? imma just be watching the 3 minutes of tgc screentime and that's about it.

ugh yes, animated asoiaf has always been my dream :( it's the best visual adaptation medium for these books in my opinion. very sad to think GRRM probably believes tv is the ultimate tool for it :( the colors, the geography, the castles, the outfits, the dragons, the fantastical elements like white hair and purple eyes etc. would all be better adapted in animation than live action. aggghhhhhhhh what a missed opportunity man 😞

[onewomancitadel]

A smattering of general updates:

I played Tears of the Kingdom. I didn't really enjoy it. I understand why it was popular though; I'm just not the demographic for these types of video games anymore. I didn't find it creatively rewarding and after a time I sat there thinking 'I would rather be writing right now', and since then I have learnt that writing is made easier by doing things which are not writing, because it makes me miss it. My dad also doesn't really like it but for some reason has played hundreds of hours in it. I don't know either - I think he will take anything called Zelda at this point.

I spectated the Doctor Who David Tennant Special and watched some clips of the new season. I'm not a fan of RTD, and not a DW fan anymore (not for a long time), but it was an interesting study in how studios try to attract old and new fans.

I read a lot of books, and that lie people tell you about all books being good for you is a lie, because a cyberpunk anthology of short stories made me so angry I got heartburn. I think people who say that are saying so because they wish that they could read a lot, in which case I say, yes I think reading is a gift and we should engage with it, however, sometimes I get so physically angry from something stupid/bad I've read because bad writers exist that it gives me actual pain. I am reading Howl's Moving Castle right now and it's very joyful; I am very surprised by the liberties the animated film took! However so far I do think both experiences are worthwhile, and if you enjoyed the Ghibli film, I very much recommend checking out the original book if you want to revisit that world again. The prose is straightforward but a little whimsical, and Howl is very, very funny. I have laughed aloud a few times.

Well, you know I rewatched Dark, and it's funny that during my exile I said 'this is like if RWBY got the ending it deserves' and then, er, I found out it's not renewed yet, and that's still up in the air, which for the entirety of RWBY I have only had one true moment of doubt of such a thing, and that was a while ago.

On that topic, yes, I still ship Jaune/Cinder, believe Cinder's redemption is likely, etc., although there are some more external concerns I would wager now than before. Before I thought it very possible to do without any commercial influence, and it depends what compromises they do or don't end up making or having already made. My analysis of Jaune's arc in V9 may not hold water as much (e.g. if you lean towards the view there were rewrites to cater to growing the audience, or perhaps it's two ideas married? I'm not sure) so I'm going to think about it more, and there always has been a tension in RWBY between what is being expected/baited and what is foreshadowed/said/actually happens.

I figured out how to write again and what was blocking me, so there's that. To talk about it a bit more, since my break I have worked every single day on writing. My key takeaways are that you need a delicate balance of delusion and self-doubt to get anything done - you don't know you can do something until you actually do it - and every excuse I invented for not writing was not the reason I was not writing. I can write with a migraine beginning to set in on an uncomfortable desk where I can't even rest my elbows properly on the end of a bed with no back support without aircon in the middle of summer before I've even taken my hair out from bedtime plaits in my pyjamas. I didn't even expect to get my fic done right before midnight, actually I was like 'well lol that's not going to happen, I'll write anyway though, fuck New Year's' because I wasn't doing anything, and then I finished and looked at the time and was like ooooh. I actually completed my goal! So I'm very proud of that. Anyway writing is breathing, to me, I go crazy if I don't do it, no matter what it is, and every single piece of nonsense advice of productivity was not helpful, ever, but I did figure it out. Also admittedly I got a fire burning under me again because I found out I was actually right about Raven, in which case I took that as a sign from heaven I was on the right track. One should hope.

I am excited about Dune Part Two, yes, although I am trying to avoid Villeneuve talking about the film because I know all the marketing is basically directed at people who aren't Dune fans, and I have to see it for myself to see what it's worth. I enjoyed the first film, and Villeneuve seems excited to direct Dune Messiah, in which case I am willing to do whatever possible to make that happen. Because that's about as complete a story you're going to get in a major motion picture adaptation and it would be So Fucking Good.

[micahtranslate]

Chainsaw Man Starter Rope Cast Interview: Shougo Sakata

How did you feel when you were cast as Aki?

I was half happy and half in disbelief. In my audition tape, I tried not to overact, and I made it to the studio audition. I acted very naturally there, and I felt like the face-to-face audition also went well, so I had my hopes up a little (laughs). There was a bit of time between the audition and when the results came out where I had started to give up, but then I received the response that I passed the audition. The best way to say it is, I was really surprised, but I'm going to do my best to adapt the manga I love into an anime.

What's your impression of Aki; what about him appeals to you?

My impression of Aki is that he's "a normal person." He can deal with all types of people evenly. Aki also wants revenge against a specific devil, but I like that Himeno-senpai provided a space for him to grow up properly. Aki is often said to be kind. He can't accept the misfortune that befell his family, so he can't accept the absurd things that happen to the people around him, so he tries to eliminate the cause. I think that looks like kindness to others. When he beats up Denji, whose very existence an absurdity, I think that was Aki's form of kindness. He believed that it would be better for Denji to give up than for him to lose his life.

How did you create Aki's voice?

Before recording the second episode, where he first appears, I worked really hard to figure out my acting approach, but director Nakayama said, "I want you to act the way the character would naturally and realistically talk. Dial back your acting a little bit." I took that advice, and from there I kept repeating through a process of trial and error, until one day the director said, "Your voice is like Aki's, so you don't need to perform too much." I remember I was very happy when he said that. After that, I was able to loosen up and act naturally.

What details do you focus on when you're acting?

Aki's speech doesn't include any superfluous details, and there are a lot of things that don't require emotion. What I'm conscious of is thinking naturally about "Who am I communicating this information to?" and acting naturally, like I'm drawing from how I normally talk. Lately, it's getting clearer and clearer where Aki is looking, who he is talking to, and what he is trying to convey. But I think I can still get closer to Aki, so I want to focus more!

What's the atmosphere like when you're recording?

The cast members are just like their characters (laughs). Fairouz-san starts conversations, Toya-kun suddenly loses focus, and Kusunoki-san speaks kindly to Toya-kun…Recording always progresses harmoniously, it's a great atmosphere. In particular, Toya-kun is really in sync with Denji, and I love it. No matter what anyone says, Toya-kun's Denji improvisations are one of the highlights. Fairouz-san's energetic, bright and funny energy is also the best, and Makima, played by Kusunoki-san, feels very fitting when you hear her voice. I think this is a result of Kusunoki's love for Makima.

What are Aki's highlights in the early part of the anime?

The way Aki takes out the cigarette is drawn in a really cool way, so please pay attention to it. I only saw it in the rehearsal footage, but the sequence is him tapping the box, taking out the cigarette, lighting the lighter with the hand still holding the box, and smoking it. I thought, "Are you going to draw that many details in the anime?" I was really excited and beyond surprised And… as for Aki, I also love his interactions with Himeno-senpai. Their intimate-feeling conversations are nice. The performance that I personally focused on was the scene where Aki's "ball" is kicked by Denji (lol). I studied vocal expression a lot, so please listen carefully!

Finally, do you have a message for the fans?

My honest thoughts are, I've been given a very important role, and I will play Aki in every episode to live up to the expectations of the fans. I will do my best to live up to the Aki Hayakawa that everyone imagines. I'll keep recording, so I would be happy if you could attend!

Translation notes:

It was hard to translate what the director said in a way that preserves the original meaning, a direct translation sounds a bit like it is an insult or a criticism. What Nakayama was saying was basically that Sakata's natural voice was already great for the role. The literal quote is "坂田くんは声帯がアキだから、「こう演じよう」としなくていい", so a more direct translation would be "Sakata-kun, because your voice is already Aki's, you don't need to perform like this." but that isn't the clearest. I went for more of a localization than a direct/exact translation to be clearer.

When Sakata says "肩の力を抜いて演じられるようになったのはそこからですね," a direct translation would be "I was able to act with my shoulders relaxed," meaning he was able to loosen up and act more naturally, but a direct translation doesn't convey that as well.

Translated "どんどん明確" as clearer and clearer, but a more literal translation would be "steadily becoming clearer," or "increasingly clearer."

Sakata says "中でも戸谷くんの演じるデンジはシンクロ率がとても高くて", which literally translates into saying that Toya and Denji have a "high synchronization rate," kind of using the language of mecha anime (how the pilot is synchronized with the mecha), but to be more clear I just translated it as "Toya-kun is really in sync with Denji"

"デンジな戸谷くん" would literally translate to Denji-like Toya-kun (using Denji's name as a na-adjective), but since the main point of the sentence was to highlight Toya's improv skills, I didn't translate it in that literal sense.

He literally says アキの「ボール」, so this feels like the best way to translate it.

[purplesurveys]

1924

survey by robotyque

RULES: For the following questions, you must answer a number in a scale from 1-10. You may add a comment/description following it. Here we go.

ON A SCALE FROM 1-10..

How exciting was your day? 10. It was actually a productive Sunday! After church we had lunch at Yabu, bought a microwave to replace our broken one, went window shopping for a new laptop and a PS5, I bought a bunchhhhhh of Me Stuff in one go (BB cream, blush, reed diffusers...you get the gist), went for a quick grocery run to get milk and also managed to take Max to the vet clinic before they closed. It was so much stuff done that I can't believe it only totaled a little over than 4,000 steps LOL

How happy do you feel right now? I want to say a 7.5. Today was well-spent and I like that my family and I got along today (we always clash after a few consecutive hours together...), but that high's coming down now because it's already 5:40 PM and the weekend will soon be over.

How clean do you feel? A healthy 9. I took a shower today and my room now smells like ocean because I have two reed diffusers going at the same time, but I just feel 'dirty' because I've still got acne on my face and I don't like that.

How full in the stomach? 7. I had a big lunch that's long settled in my stomach now, but while it doesn't feel heavy I'm also not hungry. And I doubt I'd be feeling hungry anymore for the rest of the day.

How thirsty? 1. I have a chocolate Oatside with me now that I'm sipping from every few minutes.

How bored? 1. I did so much stuff today that I have no problem just filling this out and being friends with the silence and overstimulating myself like what I'd usually look for on weekends.

How tired/sleepy? 3. I feel like I could fall into a nap if I made myself lie down, but I'm alert and awake for the most part.

How satisfied with life atm are you? 4. My job makes me MISERABLE and question my abilities and worth every single day. It's a thankless 9-5 where you can do your best and put in 150% effort but still only ever get seen and called out when you make a mistake/don't meet expectations. I know I will be happier if I set out to look for greener pastures; but I just can't help but stay for now knowing the team is suffocatingly incomplete as it is and me leaving would just make everyone else suffer so much more.

How satisfied are you with your relationship status? 10. Nothing to complain about, ever.

How satisfied are you with your friends? 8. I love all of them, but I wish some of them (i.e. my college friends) would put in more effort in keeping up our friendships. I don't take it personally, though; I've also accepted the fact that our friend group may just not rank high on their priorities at this point anymore, and that's fine.

Now what about family? 6. We are very dysfunctional but we make it work.

How entertained are you atm? 7. I have a Good Mythical More running in the background and I've gotten sidetracked from this survey a few times, so I'd say that's entertainment in effect haha.

How bright is the room you’re in? 2. All the lights are off so it's actually super dark here, but my laptop is set to the highest brightness level and that more than balances out the darkness.

How loud is your music/sound you hear? 2.5. Out of the 16 volume bars on my laptop, it's just until the fourth bar so that's literally a 2.5 if my math is correct.

How confident are you about your looks right now? 4. There's a nasty acne scar near my nose that just won't go away. It's affected my confidence a little bit so that's why I headed to the store today to grab a bunch of face care and makeup stuff.

How clean is your room? 9.5. There are just a few things lying around but otherwise the place is spotless.

How much do you love dolls/stuffed animals? 5. Stuffed animals are very cute :)

How satisfied are you with your room? 9. I really really love the loft bed we've built in here since it gave my room so much more space. The one lacking point is just on me, because I haven't been buying any furniture or even just any sort of accent, really, to give my room more of a personality.

How much do you love dogs/cats (pick one)? 11. No-brainer. I like animals more than people.

How well do you do in school? 7. I did well if I really liked the class, but barely put in effort for classes I just felt 'forced' to have, like chemistry and philosophy. In other words I lacked focus and discipline; I feel like I would have had much higher scores across the board if I just powered it through and did a better job pretending to give a fuck about the classes I hated.

How well can you read out loud? 10. Never had a problem with it.

How good are your eyes? 3. I need my glasses, otherwise everything would be hazardous for me.

IF… (REMEMBER, IT’S STILL ON A SCALE OF 1-10)

If your significant other cheated on you, how mad would you be? 10. I'd be so mad I'd turn quiet and simply cut off ties.

What if it was with your best friend? 20. 10 for the SO cheating, 10 for my best friend betraying me and cheating on her fiancé.

You found a toonie on a ground, how happy would you be? 0. I'd be confused and would be asking what a toonie is.

You lied to a friend about something semi-big, how guilty would you feel? 5. Depends on the lie.

You accidentally took something from a store, how guilty would you feel? 10. I did this once when I walked out of a bookstore with a box of crayons I forgot to pay for. I felt really bad and turned to make my way back immediately.

You were given some illegal substance, what would you feel/how much of it? This question doesn't make sense but I would say 0 which stands for, "I'd stay away from it even if it were the last thing on earth."

You spent $300 for yourself, how satisfied would you feel? 5. Satisfied, yes; but also equally guilty/feeling bad because that is so much money to spend on myself.

What about for others? 7. It's a lot of money, but I'd feel better if I made someone else happy with that money.

How angry would you feel if your parents forgot your birthday? 10. How do you forget your kid's birthday?

Lastly. On a scale of 1-10, how entertaining was this survey? 10! I've taken this before but it was still fun to take the second time around!

[lancerious]

now I ask YOU questions! >:3

40, 46, 29, 23, and 31

YUS more questions >:D

Q: Favorite memory

A: Um. Uh. Ok I have a lot of "favorite" memories which nullifies the meaning of the word lol, BUT considering how a huge part of my online presence is me obsessing over Lancer, I'll mention a memory that relates to him :>

The memory is...simply my first playthrough of Deltarune Chapter 1! I knew a decent amnt of the game at that point, including the general plot lol, but I wanted to see what the game was truly like. I know I played it in either my junior or senior year of highschool, can't remember which one it was. I also believe it was on a school break, whether it was summer break or a smaller one

ANYWAY, I played the game in the dead of night, everyone else at home was asleep. I had to play quietly as to not wake up anyone lol, and...oh my GOD, I fell in LOVE with the game even MORE after that, its characters included! Actually PLAYING Chapter 1 made me love nearly ALL characters SO MUCH more, ESPECIALLY Lancer. I kid you not, I remember laughing at every single line Lancer had, he was just so therapeutic for me. I have such a vivid recollection of my first playthrough, and there's TONS more I would say but then this post would be a goddamn novel & I'm still only on the first question lol

But yeah, I still adore this memory, and I always come back to Deltarune Chapter 1 if I ever feel down, because man, it works WONDERS <3

Q: What my last text message says

A: It's a link to a page for tickets to watch Coraline in theaters this August. If links don't count, my last text message is...literally just "Ok", that is actually it lol

Q: Favorite film(s)

A: YESYESYES I was hoping for this one!! I have two fav films, one animation & one live-action

My fav animated film is...Coraline, who would've guessed! I do prefer the book but the film is GORGEOUS, and it's in stopmotion which I also love! Coraline as a whole is such a wonderful story & has a very important lesson in it too, hidden behind all the pure insanity the movie has. It's just so great <3

My fav live-action film is Miss Peregrine's Home for Peculiar Children! It's based on the books of the same name, and while I DO have the books, I haven't gotten around to reading them just yet. Therefore, I don't know how accurate the film is, but I LOVE IT. I LOVE IT SO MUCH. The movie NEEDS more attention it is hands-DOWN my favorite fantasy movie! It's not perfect, nothing truly is, but I absolutely ADORE it ^-^

Q: Fear(s)

A: I have a fair amnt of these! I'll list a bunch here

Any sudden sounds, ESPECIALLY if they're loud. A couple notable examples are the fear of balloons popping, alongside fireworks! I LOVE both of them, ESPECIALLY fireworks they are SO beautiful, but I'm always worried of the inevitable loud sound that will follow. For balloons I'm much more wary bcs I don't know WHEN the balloon will pop, whereas for fireworks it's mostly a concern of how LOUD each firework will be

Broken glass! The reasoning for this fear is that I cut the big toe on my left foot when I was a young kid from a broken glass shard from a shattered lightbulb. Ever since then I've been SUPER nervous around SHATTERED glass. I'm fine if the glass is intact, but once it's shattered I stay FAR away from it

Being forgotten is a big worry of mine. I think a decent amnt of people can relate to this. I've had past experiences where this occurred, so I'm extra sensitive to this, even if I don't show my worry outwardly

This somewhat goes with number 3: being rejected. I do NOT mean this in a romantic way, this is purely platonic. I have had SO many instances where I was rejected in some way & I don't have a lot of tolerance for it anymore

Overloading is another one. This primarily focuses on me bombarding people with the things I'm interested in, which has resulted in a few people rejecting me, see fear #4. This causes me to intentionally hold back EVERYWHERE, even in places where going on positive rants is encouraged

Finally, to end this list on another relatively "goofy" fear, there's bees, wasps, hornets, anything that stings! People have different reasons for being afraid of these insects, but mine is simply the fact that I have NEVER been stung, not once. I don't know if I'm allergic or not; I'm mostly afraid of the pain it could cause me as I have a VERY low pain tolerance. I literally panic every time a stinging insect comes into my field of view

Q: 3 random facts

All right, time to bring out the randomness in me >:D

When I was VERY young, probably toddler age at most, my head got whacked by a tree/branch, it was definitely some part of a tree at least lol. I got a tiny bump on my head as a result, it's still present to this day :P

I DESPISE melted cheese. It's obscene. Get it out of my sight. IhateitIhateitIhateitIhateitIhateit

My favorite candy bar is Kit-Kat! Funny enough, that's actually my nickname to some people bcs of how much I love them

Bonus fact bcs I felt like it, I've written stuff, Ik some people know this already lol but still. I have abt 10 rotating ideas constantly in my mind that I've never put to paper but I hope to do so someday <3

TY FOR THE ASK <3

[thehaniverse]

[24.05.19] Haikyuu Movie Review

FINALLY!

I initially thought I'd be able to watch the movie online when it dropped back in February, but none of the usual suspects were uploading the damn movie, so I was dying trying to avoid spoilers online, but I'm glad I managed to until it was finally revealed to be showing in Korea!

Let me tell you, as a multilingual person, there is no bigger brain-fuck than watch a movie in a second language with subtitles in your third, but considering Haikyuu is my favourite anime of all time, I just couldn't wait anymore.

So, after such an arduous wait, was the movie actually worth it?

HELL YEAH!

Heads up, I've written this without any spoilers, as I also went into this without reading the manga (intentionally.)

Intially, I, like many other fans, was disappointed that the movie was ,in fact, a movie rather than a 5th season, but after watching it, I totally understand why they decided to do it this way. If they'd done it as a series of episodes, it ran the risk of being too slow-paced, which was one of the major criticisms of the 4th season.

The pacing of the movie was perfect - the right level of slow emotional flashbacks to add context without being too repetitive of past seasons, while still being fast-paced and action-packed throughout the game.

I also loved the unique perspective they gave in this movie, it's something they've never done to this extent throughout the anime, and honestly, something I haven't seen in other anime I've watched. The chaotic energy really made you feel like you were more than just a spectator and the disorientation made everything so much more tense - I LOVED it. (I honestly wanted to watch the whole movie again there and then just to experience that part again.)

One thing I've always loved about Haikyuu is the ability of the writer to make you appreciate just how hard these kids are working, and the background and character growth throughout the movie honestly left me teary-eyed at the end - the character development continues to be one of my favorite parts of this anime. There's honestly so much I want to say about this but due to spoilers, I'll have to hold back for a while until the screenings have taken place worldwide. Maybe I'll write a part 2 after additional viewings.

Finally, let's talk about the ending. Man. This was an interesting experience for me because Nekoma is actually my favorite team LOL but of course, as viewers, we can't help but root for Karasuno. Every point and every play was bittersweet but nothing hit as much as the ending, rather than any overwhelming sense of joy for the winner, it was more that sinking feeling of 'oh, it's really over? Just like that?" I imagine this is how the losing time would feel in every game, you always want to believe there's another chance, or that the end isn't really the end yet, it was very surreal.

The best parallel I can draw is the sinking feeling I had when Karasuno first lost to Aoba Josei. Yet at the same time, because of the growth of all the characters, it was still a beautiful ending.

Ultimately, it was everything you'd expect from Haikyuu, I laughed, I cried, I fought back screams in the theatre XD I really do want to reassure anyone who thinks the movie replacing a season will be lackluster - it was anything but! I hope you enjoy the viewing and I'd love to hear your thoughts after.

[starrtoon]

I did NOT know that they had that kind of person on team with the Poison episode 😬😬 yikes.

I feel like there are a LOT of things that I could go on about it over (ya know...about the blatant blasphemy everywhere in it). The sympathetic lucifer story, the twisted Eden backstory, the angel's being Like That (I mean I guess you can look at it like "Some Christians act this way towards people because they think being Christian makes them better than others" but there is a better way to address that than the way this show is)....I fear that the day will come that they use a God/Jesus character and paint Him in a poor light while uplifitng Lucifer. I'm not sure if I would be more angry about that or sad/worried on behalf of the creators of the show.

I can see what feels like wasted potential in the more original aspects of the show. I feel like it could have been so much better if she had taken the original ideas/characters and the idea of redemption/forgivness and then placed them all in a fictional separate world that didn't include, as you said, the obvious blasphemy. I enjoy the music, the animation/art style (granted the pilot's animation was preferable).

....I feel like they were just trying to make St. Peter look like a stereotypical youth pastor. And one of the songs says "It'll take time to cover my vast multitude of sins" and I can't help but be like "that isn't hOW thAt WORKs"

I appriciate your response. It's good to see a lot of my thoughts were shared. I have difficulties pulling myself out of things when I get pulled in, so I've had some time to really think about the things that COULD have been good and the things that take away from it as a whole, what I'd have done differently, etc.

I've just taken to praying for the people who have worked on it and hoping they have the decency to not put "God" or "Jesus" on screen in the next season and make them awful. (Though I guess I did KNOW that they couldn't proceed with the show without taking a lot of things out the the Bible and twisting it around).

(I won't bother ya anymore with it btw. Some of it did just genuinely baffle me & I appriciate you taking the time to respond too me <3)

I'm sooo getting tired of media making satan 'misunderstood' lol. it got old fast, and there are some people who actually try to say the show is accurate 😭 I saw someone claim that it's true that satan wanted best for humans and that was why he was kicked from heaven. they clearly never read the Bible seeing that satan wanted to dethrone God.

yeah I could see they're trying to criticize Christians who basically do whatever they want (being hateful and evil in a different way) but still think they're going to heaven. but like you said, it coulda been done better than the show did lol

ikr, it had so much potential. and I do admit a few of the songs get stuck in my head from time to time, especially when a clip of the show appears on my tiktok FYP lol.

they probably took some doctrines from catholicism for that line XD don't they believe people will still go through some trails to pay for their sins even if they're saved? uhhh purgatory? lol

no problem! and oh gosh, yeah same, I hope they never add God/Jesus in it 😬 thankfully from the intro, it made it look like multiple angelic beings were technically the 'gods' who created earth. I'm sure they'd get a 'helluva' lot of backlash if they actually put Jesus in it.

also I don't mind if you wanna share more thoughts on the show or anything else. even if I take a while to answer asks, my ask box is always open 😊👍

[frasermints]

For the ask game, every multiple of 5.

bestie that's so many

5: what does your latest text from someone else say?

"This robot is trying so hard" in response to a youtube shorts link i sent

10: when is the last time you played the air guitar?

people actually do this??

15: do you prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it?

behind. always. i fucking hate getting my picture taken. froggie can attest to this after she made me get after i got BeReal

20: what is your greatest weakness; greatest strength?

damn we're going with the serious ones tonight aren't we? i like to think that, in face-to-face irl situations, i'm a good listener. i just fucking suck at responding. especially after my covid infection, i can't brain-to-mouth words anymore. the edit feature on imessage has helped this significantly since 99% of my interactions happen over that text platform but hooooooly shit i'm so bad at speaking

25: do you prefer talking on the phone or video chatting online?

i really like facetime but i fucking HATE looking at myself in the little window so i'll usually point it directly at my ceiling unless it's with One Specific Friend, mostly bc she's already seen me naked so her seeing me at Not My Best isn't a big deal and also like. idk i just fucking Hate My Face lol

30: stick your right arm out; what do you touch first? do the same with your left.

since i'm in bed and the only thing to my right is... the air. pumpkin is directly in FRONT of my right arm so i'll go with that. my phone is in front of my left arm.

35: to you, what is the meaning of life?

dude i don't even know. fuck around and find out. see more than twelve thousand trees. don't tell your friends they do too much yoga. own a cat. have at least one sex-induced medical emergency. confuse a seagull for an eagle when you're high as shit and get laughed at for it. drink a truly on the beach and watch the tide come in. eat so many cherries you shit yourself forty five minutes later and don't regret a single second of it. buy all of the notebooks you see in the bookstore and don't write in any of them. sleep outside when it's warm enough. take care of a houseplant. go far enough away from the city to actually SEE the stars. work with children. cry because of a dumb movie. breathe.

40: do you drive? if so, have you ever crashed?

yes: coming home from the seattle/tacoma metro area i got hit by someone going 90mph (145 kph) on the interstate. genuinely thought i was fish food that day.

45: what's the worst injury you've ever had?

probably the time i attempted rifle and caught it w/ my skull instead of my hands.

50: do you believe in magic?

eh

55: love or lust?

insert "why not both" gif

60: is there anything pink within ten feet of you?

yes, a couple things. a couple of bowls, a bag of potting soil, my sharps containers, some animal shaped erasers, a solid 50% of my sex toys are pink for some reason.

65: top five favorite blogs on tumblr?

peach, froggie, lou, steph, and vati

70: are you the kind of friend that you would want to have as a friend?

i would choke me out without hesitation i do not understand how froggie tolerates me to be honest with you

75: what are the last four digits of your phone #

what are you a cop???

80: what size shoes do you wear

i don't know bc it's changed since i've started t and now none of my shoes fit

85: what's the last song you listened to?

i wanna get better by bleachers (title of my current wip comes from this song!)

90: you wake up to find that you're surrounded by mummies. they aren't doing anything, just standing around your bed. what do you do?

assume i'm dreaming and try to go back to bed

95: you just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. you have to depart right now. where are you going to go?

do i HAVE to??? i don't have a passport and i don't like airports :(

[lillianofliterature]

hi lillian! i hope this isn't too intrusive (feel free to disregard) but i saw your post about losing your great-grandmother. how are you? i hope you're feeling a little better and, if not, i hope you're holding up as well as you can<3

thank you so much for checking in on me, anon! it really means a lot. i'm doing as well as i can, but it is the most intense grief i have yet faced. she spent over a decade looking after me and my brother while our single mother was working during the week, essentially helping raise us, and it was very jarring to lose a very close motherly figure so suddenly. the pandemic kept us apart, so we weren't able to be around her very much the last few years, which made the goodbye less shocking but made the guilt worse. anyway, it's just tough stuff to deal with, but i really am managing alright.

i don't know if you believe in this sort of thing, and honestly i'm not even sure what i believe exactly, but she always had a connection to animals (cats specifically) and throughout my childhood always talked about how she would like to be reincarnated as a cat. when she was unresponsive in hospice, the last night i saw her alive, i asked her to find a way to come back and tell us hello, either as a cat or a butterfly---two symbols that have a meaningful history in our family.

on the day of her funeral, a yellow butterfly (specifically a tiger swallowtail, one of her favorites) flew around my shoulder and inches from my face while i watched her casket being lowered next to my great-grandfather.

two months later, on this most recent halloween night, a litter of kittens were randomly running around in our front year during trick-or-treat hours. they came and inspected our porch decorations and left, and an hour later, another one came back and sauntered right up our porch and into our kitchen while we were handing out candy!

now, for context, my parents and i always feed the stray cats, so we're used to seeing quite a few and recognize them easily. but we had never seen these kittens before, nor had any of our frequent strays ever appeared pregnant over the last six months. we believe the litter was dumped in our neighborhood on halloween due to their black coats (black cats unfortunately are treated very ill this time of year due to ridiculous negative superstitions).

we decided to keep the little one that walked into our house--i do believe it was a sign, both from the little kitty wanting a home and also from my great-grandmother saying she heard me while i visited her in hospice although she couldn't speak. unfortunately, we didn't see the other kittens again, despite trying! we're keeping an eye out for them so we can rescue them if possible.

anyway, the kitty is a little boy, he has beautiful black fur and golden brown/yellow eyes, a perfect halloween cat. and i named him Severus (yes, after Snape, lol). i'll include some pictures! he's five months old and has a clean bill of health, despite some tummy issues. he's the most affectionate and clingy cat i've ever met, and i can't believe he's ours. i absolutely adore him and he's given me more energy to keep going and be excited about getting up every day.

sometimes when he looks at me, i swear i see my grandmother looking back, but not always (which makes me believe it more in those little glimpses).

so, all this to say, i'm doing better now, although my grief isn't linear. i think the best thing that's helped me is choosing to recognize the little signs i do believe our loved ones can send us beyond the grave. i don't know how it works or what it means for those of us who are still living, but i do know there is truth to some sort of existence beyond the physically tangible, and that gives me hope. <3

[thoselethalarts]

A couple of those ask things I'm curious about

2. Is it easier to draw someone facing left or right (or forward even)

4. Fav character/subject that's a bitch to draw

7. A medium of art you don't work in but appreciate

10. Favorite piece of clothing to draw

12. Easiest part of body to draw

14. Any favorite motifs

30. What piece of yours do you think is underrated

2. Is it easier to draw someone facing left or right (or forward even)?

You know, I haven't really thought about it much before 🤔 I feel like left vs right is about the same difficulty level for me to draw, both for 3/4 view and for profile view. Though 3/4 view is probably easier for me to draw of the perspectives. Front-facing is fun too to see a facial structure from a different perspective- literally!

4. Fav character/subject that's a bitch to draw?

WEAPONS! Dear god I am AWFUL at drawing weapons, all of them. Guns, knives, swords, bats, whips, spears, crossbows, morning stars, brass knuckles... I am absolutely dogshit at drawing weaponry without some kind of direct reference to trace over, which really sucks because I love weapons and think they're super cool! I have so much respect for people that design their own weapons, especially the ones that have to work with time period-specific limitations (lookin at you, Vinland Saga)

Also as a side note: fuck shoes. I can't draw shoes (or feet) for shit. Every time I draw a shoe I hope ya'll know that it took me at least 5 different references and a 3D model in order to make that happen.

7. A medium of art you don't work in but appreciate?

Pixel artists and animation, ESPECIALLY animation. I simply do not have the patience for any of it, especially hand-drawn animation; I took a class for it in high school years ago and while I did just fine in the class it made me realize that I do NOT have the patience for the medium. 3D animation was a little easier for me but I'm still not skilled enough at timing and distortion to satisfy my creative image.

Also I have so much respect for pixel artists you wouldn't believe. I used to use Fireworks to fill out pixel art bases on DeviantART over a decade ago and while I did have fun with what I did and could still theoretically do it now, it'll never look as nice as I want it to look in my head 😔

10. Favorite piece of clothing to draw?

Jackets and sweaters, but also I LOVE drawing things like scarves and capes that can billow in the wind and shift with the movement of the wearer, cuz it adds a whole new dimension of action to what could otherwise be a static pose!

Also also I'm a sucker for fishnets 😊

12. Easiest part of body to draw?

So fun fact about me- I actually LOVE to draw human anatomy. Whenever I draw a character I always start by fully drawing out the character's physical anatomy, and then I draw the clothes, hair, and faces on top of that! Here's some sketches from the Soul Archive to show my semi-chaotic workflow~

So I guess the answer is anything that isn't feet is easy for me to draw lol

14. Any favorite motifs?

Repeated phrases/symbols that initially appear to have no meaning but then the meaning becomes abundantly clear in hindsight as it's revealed throughout the story, or alternatively a phrase/symbol that has a specific meaning that's relevant only to the initial introduction of it which changes over time to mean something entirely new, symbolizing the growth and evolution of the character/identity that uses it, or the shift in tone/focus of the overall story.

EX: "It's eternity in there." and "Longer than you think." - Emesis Blue "One of us must die." - The Doomstar Requiem additionally: The Open Hand - Army of the Doomstar / SOS - Dethklok

30. What piece of yours do you think is underrated?

Oh, EASY. My slipknot-inspired TWST piece I'm still incredibly proud of (even if I've redesigned Phobos since then)

[sheepskinnedgoat]

I guess it's greatly possible that I have a very... I don't know, skewed perspective about stuff like abuse and harm as a mentally ill person. People say stuff so broadly and I can't begin to describe how much seeing that stuff at my lowest points harmed me and made me worse. People are very good at framing things in ways that made me feel like they don't actually believe in people healing and doing better after making really huge mistakes. Because I made BIG ones and I regret them so fucking deeply. I am fighting with the concept of self-forgiveness because I've been taught that there's no retribution for shitty and abusive behavior.

I don't want to be so bold as to lay out what happened, but I guess I might as well. My wife is encouraging me and I've been wanting to talk about it, anyway.

Trigger warning for discussion of abuse, mental health, and suicide under cut.

Last year, when my mom started dying, I started declining very rapidly and severely. I don't think I've ever outright said this because of how I've been treated in the past for being open, but I have Bipolar I Disorder. I've seen doctors and therapists on an off over the last decade+ since my diagnosis. My struggle is a common one. I'm very typical of someone with extreme mood swings and psychosis. I most frequently experience dysphoric mania, which is where my psychosis typically rears its ugly head.

In these moments until last year, all of my shitty behavior mostly involved me expressing anger and frustration with wall hitting, throwing my things to break them, hurting myself, and degrading my wife. It was not always this way, but moving away from home and having an unforgiving job lead to me falling back off my medication. Over the last 3-4 years, I have become very terrible in my health and how I act when my brain overreacts to situations and stresses around me.

Then Mom got cancer.

I began having even more cycling, lots and lots of depression, increasing suicidal thoughts, and episodes. Bad episodes. One of the holidays I was meant to go see my mom, I had a serious meltdown because I was tired of going to see how much closer she was. It was hard seeing her dying. She was worse every time I made it out, and something minor had triggered another episode. I then locked myself in the bathroom and tried to kill myself.

My wife tried stopping me. I became physically violent and started saying really horrible things. This episode came to an end, and it seemed despite everything I had done very little physical damage to her by her own account. I do not remember much about what I actually did or said. It's like a faded dream I had once and only the outlines are left.

I had another episode I do not remember, triggered by seemingly nothing. She informed me later on I had hit her, and asked me why. I was unable to explain, because I didn't even know what she was referring to. I do now, but the overall details are gone.

Later on, not terribly long before she passed away, I tried to end things again. I recklessly drove to a graveyard on the back roads and began attempting to hurt myself. I started getting calls, my phone blowing up. I have some vague memories, but I am not sure if all of them are real. I do know I ignored my mom out of shame, but eventually answered my aunt. I think at the beginning I answered my wife and berated her before hanging up, but I'm not positive. I wanted to die more than anything else in the world. I was so angry. I don't even know why. My wife remembers how it unfolded, but ultimately none of it makes sense.

That was also the day my neighbor decided to pick a fight with me about my animals, which then snowballed in her repeatedly calling animal control, lol. Did not work out the way she wanted. She kept lying to them to get them out to see them, but they could never find the starving, tortured animals. What a fucking nightmare that was on top of everything.

My mom died, and I don't really remember how I felt or reacted or what I did during that time. It's difficult, and I think it's because I have been blocking it out as much as possible. Losing my mom was something I knew would be hard, but I deeply underestimated it.

Later on in the year, I did try killing myself again. Once again she tried stopping me, and even kicked in the door. It got more physically violent than the last time and I was more vicious and cruel.

Overall, I'm stuck with guilt and shame and self-hatred. Beyond these incidents, I lapsed repeatedly into despicable actions and behavior. I frequently feel out of control, but not everything I say to her is done in these extreme episodes where I'm trying to hurt myself. Rage is unfortunately a really major symptom for me, and it's activated by some of the dumbest shit. I feel like some things have become bad habits, and I'm constantly having to talk out things with my spouse because I cannot even imagine what it must be like to be on the receiving end of needless cruelty and vitriol.

I know what I have done is largely abusive and wrong. Things have been bad enough that I kept having long periods of not wanting help. All I have wanted is death, to not exist, to end what I'm feeling. Being angry is not fun. Being in pain sucks. Being sick is terrible. I am devastated by what I have done, but somehow my wife is holding strong and pushing me forward. Because of her, I managed to drag myself into getting therapy. I got lucky that someone in my local community is a therapist with the same disorder as me, and when she advertised openings I jumped on it, even though I didn't want to help myself.

Which is something key, that people bring up a lot online. People who don't want help are the worst, right? Irredeemable, it seems. I didn't want help. I wanted to kill myself. I wanted to die. I still want to die, but I've found a burst of driving force within myself and, as of today, I finally have an appointment with a psychiatrist to seek medication management. I cannot get any traction otherwise. Therapy has been helpful and my therapist is amazing, but there's no stability. I default to self-hate, guilt, and suicidality. I default to violence, though generally verbal excepting those instances of psychosis.

I can't grasp what I keep getting told by my wife and my therapist about being accountable but forgiving myself. It seems false. Impossible. It doesn't feel like I should, that doing that or pointing to my broken brain is appropriate. I'm always terrified what people will think of me if they know the truth of my struggles and how much I have hurt the person closest to me. My only support, because I keep distancing myself further and further from people.

In all of this, she gained friends that used me as a stop-gap for getting to know specifically her. It caused some rocky turmoil in our relationship. I blame myself for her mistakes there, because maybe if I hadn't been acting like a piece of shit, she wouldn't have felt so lonely. And they found out that things got bad, but not any of the details about it because they never asked or gave her a chance to explain when she wasn't distressed. I fear them and what they think of me. I fear them going out into shared queer spaces and telling all the queers I'm slowly trying to get to know that I'm a horrible abuser that beat my wife and controls her. Because they're not wrong. I don't feel like they're wrong, but they're also responsible parties in their own shitty behavior, but who would hear me after they find out I'm a terrible person?

It's... I suppose a bit self-centered, this paranoia. She tells me I don't deserve this, and that they don't matter. I'm trying to believe her, because if nothing else matters she does, and her opinions do. She has to live with me. She's married to me.

So I am untreated bipolar. It's a fucking nightmare. I fight with my abusive and toxic tendencies, that I fight to not participate in. But fighting back my unstable reactions to things is a chore and I become fatigued very often. I don't know why she endures for me, but she does. I love her, as much as I can. Sometimes I am numb, but she says she knows I love her and it makes me cry.

People are complicated. I have not always been very kind or empathetic. I only recently learned that having a hard time with empathy during mixed episodes is pretty normal for bipolar. It's not always. It's another thing that sees extreme differences depending on how I'm feeling, and I sure do feel too much too often.

I am healing myself as best as I can. I am working to do better and be better even while my brain persists on convincing me I don't want help; that I should just self-destruct. I am a human. I wish more people could see that part about me even when I'm not being a very good or nice person. I will be better someday, but it would be a lot easier if it ever felt like everyone else could give me the grace to fuck up while sick and still have room to take that accountability without feeling evil for my actions.

I have been a victim. I have been an abuser. Someday, I hope I can just be healed.