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ultralovedeluxe · 4 years ago

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Yan! Wamuu with prompts #20 and #23

This was requested by the lovely @teachillvibes, thank you so much for requesting! Hopefully this came out nicely ^^

‘I can’t live without you anymore!’

‘Please don’t scream at me like that. You know how much it hurts me’

Warnings: Naga Au, yandere behaviors, kidnapping, masturbation, nsfw, hypnosis(but not really), non/dub con, badly written

It almost felt like an eternity.

You don’t even remember when he took you. One day you were having a good time with your husband and friends, next you were getting abducted by a monster you regret befriending. But should that be your fault? Maybe. After all your husband always warned you to stay away from nagas. Even now, you wish you had listened to your husband’s words. Nagas were not creatures to be messed with. You wished you had just gotten ridden of the thought that, maybe, just maybe, some nagas were friendly and kind-hearted. You were delusional enough to believe that this one was different. That this one wouldn’t hurt you. Unfortunately, nagas were dangerous and feral creatures, and you were just delusional.

“[first], I have returned, I brought the sea urchins you love so much”

He was here. The monster that claimed to be your ‘mate’ was here. The only true moments of happiness you felt in your imprisonment was when he was gone. Because in that small amount of time, you would think about how your husband was doing. Was he happy without you? Or was he looking for you? You could never be sure. Letting out a deep sigh, you look behind you to see the naga that had kept you here. The sight of him no longer brought the same comfort it used to have. Now you truly began to see the horror behind his appearance.

He was a man, or atleast had the appearance of a man from head to his torso. The rest of his body is what made him threatening to you. Below his "human" appearance, the Naga Wamuu had the body of a snake. He was far larger than you, far larger than any human for that matter.

Sometimes you wondered if he'd eat you, or if he'd feed you to more of his kind. But no, you knew what Wammu wanted from you. You knew exactly why he was keeping you in this position. And quite frankly, maybe the thought of him eating you wasn't so bad.

You didn't even feel Wammu's tail wrap itself around you. You felt disgust rush through your body as the naga left passionate, but almost impatient kisses on your temples.

"Dear pet, I can't bear the thought of staying alive without you anymore. But please, enlighten me, why do you seem so displeased with my touches? Am I not enough for you?" Wamuu asked as his grip on you tightened.

Was he humoring you? Was this an actual, genuine question? And here you are thinking you were the delusional one.

You wanted to spit in his face and yell at him for all the things he's done to you. For taking you away from your village, for forcing you to live in this hell he calls your home. But in fear of angering the naga, you stay silent. However, you still needed to answer his question, because he would get mad regardless.

"Wam- I mean, dear, I'm just not in the mood to be held by you. That's all.." you said, quickly correcting your mistake. Ever since he had captured you, he had forced you to call him pet names to satisfy his deranged fantasy he had with you. Acting as if you two had been lovers for years, as if you had always been the little human house-wife he could come back to after hunting.

Wammu hummed in understandment, but you knew he didn’t understand. In fact if he truly understood you he would have let you go already. Let you live outside this dull, dark cave and allow you to return to your village. You snapped out of your thoughts as Wammu began planting small kisses on your neck once again. Oh gods..you only hoped Wammu didn’t want to ‘treat’ you tonight. This was usually always a sign when he wanted something, or wanted to give you a treat for being ‘such a good little human’. You remember all the times he had made you gag on his monstrous cock, and then forcing you to swallow his semen as a reward. You tolerated his physical gifts a lot more, because you can’t exactly gag on glorious jewels he had gifted you over the course of staying here.

Wammu pressed his lips against you once again, completely savoring the feeling of your dried lips against his. You looked so adorable when you were obidient, he was glad that you weren’t causing any trouble or trying to escape. “My dearest [first] , I will be heading out tonight for some errands, stay inside and don’t let anybody in unless it’s Kars, you know I trust you.. If you are good tonight, I’ll spoil you like the queen you are” he said, unwrapping himself around you. His larger body towered over you, so you simply nodded. The naga leaned towards your face and kissed you again, and you kissed back while carressing his face softly; just as he liked.

“I’ll see you soon”

You were bored out of your mind. One of the reasons you hated this cave was because there was no color to brighten up the mood or anything to do. You would just sit around and ponder, until Wammu came back. Maybe you could rearrange your jewels again, just like last time. Maybe you could organize them by shape instead of color, who knows. Maybe Wammu would bring you something to enteratin yourself today. A sewing kit or a painting canvas would be nice. Your thoughts soon drifted off to think about your husband. You missed how his sapphire blue eyes would look in the sun. Oh how you missed tangling your hands in his soft, blonde hair. It was always so soft and wavy, you wondered how he would look like with his hair down. You missed they way he would teasingly hold onto your hips until you gave him a kiss, or whenever he would kiss your chest without holding back.

Before you knew it, your pants were gone. You were spread out on the bed Wammu had gifted you when you had ‘obeyed’ his wishes. Your hand had gone down to touch your throbbing clit, and it felt amazing. How long have you been neglecting yourself? You didn’t remember, but for now you just wanted to enjoy this time you had for yourself before Wammu came back.

You rubbed your clit slowly with a gentle force. Those small movements were enough to have you whimpering out softly. It just felt so good. To finally touch yourself after weeks of being away from your loved one. You imagined it was your husband prepping you up, so you could easily take him in. You imagined the gentle tone in his voice, constantly praising you throughout your session. He was always so gentle and sweet, but at the same time he was dirty and rough when he wanted to be. Your hand movements became desperate, moving your hips in order to gain some friction.

“Hn, Caesar..please-”

You couldn’t help but to moan out your husband’s name. In fact you did it several times. You wanted to see him again, you wanted to leave this place so you could feel safe again-

“How dare you think of another man while I’m gone!”

You quickly reached over to grab covers, but Wammu didn’t let you; as he had already made his way over to you. You had never seen Wammu this angry before. Sure he has given you his fair share of punishments, but he always kept a poker face. At the moment, anger was clearly visible on his face, and he wasn’t afraid of showing it.

“Wammu please! I’m sorry! I won’t ever do it again!” you knew it was useless, but trying to plead with him wouldn’t hurt, right? (yes it would, you knew you were in danger, and that there’s no escaping your punishment). Wammu grabbed you by the hair and lifted you up like you were a piece of paper. “Put me down! Please Wammu don’t do this!”

Instead of hitting you as you first assumed, Wammu placed a rough kiss on your lips. “Please don’t scream at me like that darling, you know how much it hurts me. But your actions have consequences..” While all you could do was look at him in fear, Wammu then proceeded to slap your throbbing clit. “Seems to me you don’t need me to prep you up. You can take both of my cocks well, right pet? After this you will never think of a man other than me ever again”

Before you knew it, you had lost control of yourself.

The cave you were in was filled with despair and the occasional shimmer from your jewels. Currently, the cave you were in was filled with the hot sounds of Wammu’s twin cocks slamming against your already wet sex. His pace was rough, without any pauses in between. Your moans and pleas were nothing but music to Wammu’s ears. He enjoyed how easily you stopped complaining and fell into the pleasure he could give you. As for you, the only things you could hear were Wammu’s grunts into your ear, along with the clapping of your sex against his.

“Ah Wammu please go slower!” you whined, but Wammu did the complete opposite. He went just a tad bit slower, but made his pace rougher than it was before. “I’m afraid I can’t do that pet. Do you love me? Do you enjoy what we’re doing?” he asked while thrusting himself in you, while at the same time rubbing your clit with a gentle amount of force.

“Yes! Wammu please let me cum!” you moaned out. Never in your life did you think you’d be ravished by a monstrous man. Wammuu hummed in amusement as he slowed his pace and bit your neck softly, “Then say my name pet, who can make you feel this way?”. You were at your climax, “You Wammu! You’re the only one I swear!-” you whined as you came on Wammu’s cocks.

Wammu laid you down on your bed, “Now pet, who is your one true love?”. You could barely open your eyes, “Cae- you Wammu..” you whispered, clearly still tired from your 'love' making session.

“Guess we’ll have to try again..”

#yandere imagines #yandere x reader #yandere jjba #yandere wammu #yandere jojo's bizarre adventure #yandere wammu x reader #jjba imagines #wammu #wammu jjba #yandere headcanons #yandere fics #Jojo no Kimyou na Bouken #jojos bizarre adventure #jojo x reader #wammu x reader

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ignitification · 4 years ago

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I'm glad we could handle this respectfully.

Two questions

Do you think Endeavor will Die in the Future,Like Dabi Kills him?or will he stay alive throughout?

Also I feel like and hope him and Rei Should get a divorce.She should'nt be with someone who's hurt her Physically and psychologically.I think them not being married would be very healthy for them

And In response,People can change but I haven't seen the villians wanna change since they believe they're in the right.you have to want change in order to change.Shigaraki,Toga,Dabi and All for one have shown no signs of wanting to change.this is all my opinion but like They honestly don't wanna change since they believe,due to their pasts,that they're doing the right thing.Dabi has Murdered 30 innocent people,Toga is literally a wanted Serial Who drinks blood like Juice,and Shigaraki Murdered many heroes and ordered his Minions to destroy everything.

Imo,that doesn't look like wanting to change.

I feel like they work well as villians So Horikoshi probably won't redeem them But again I can't predict the future so I'm getting ahead of myself 😅sorry for wasting your time

It was just my two sense

Plus we need to fix hero society but they're doing it in a cruel and hypocritical way

I'd like to address the three points you made in three different sections:

Endeavour probability of staying alive (of which I already talked here, so it will be short)

Rei's involvment with Todoroki Enji

The Three Villains (the three mains) not wanting to change (on which I already hinted at here and here)

Trigger warning: mentions of suicide; violence; self-harm.

1.) Endeavour’s course of life (and action)

To be honest, I think this is the easiest point to address and I’ll refrain from going over and over again the same point. My answer, as before, is no. I do not think that Enji is going to die (refer to the linked before post for a more in depth analysis of why). However, on the question whether Enji Todoroki will still be alive at the end of the manga, I think the answer might be different. I utterly think that where the manga is going so far foreshadows a lot of pain to come. And I’ll let Horikoshi do whatever he plans, but my spider-senses tell me that even if he does survive, Endeavour is unlikely to get a happy ending (or at least a canonically happy one). He will be hold responsible of his actions, and that is the most important thing. As long as he gets on the right path, everything could happen. Especially considering the events of Ch. 300, which might be interpreted as a first step on regaining the real narrative of what went down (and which might be even more cruel than we think) , so this means we are getting at the root of the problem.

2.) Rei’s involvement in Enji’s life

This, on the contrary, is the most delicate point of the post. Rei is introduced as a 'weak' and heavily mentally abused character. She is confined in a hospital and she seems to be closed in her own world so much she does not notice time passing and stares out of the window trying to make sense of the world. Which, on one hand, I think is very fitting for her, but at the same time I am included to think that this is the furthest thing from what Rei' character is supposed to be.

Rei Todoroki is a victim. But she is not weak. She made her mistakes (of which she is aware of and feels guilty about, but that's for another time because Shouto's scar - mental and facial - is a whole lot deal to unpack) and she had way too much time to think. Shouto never held it against her and now, he, together with Natsuo and Fuyumi helped her to regain the confidence she knows Enji took from her. He closed her off in a hospital to prederve her health, but instead he just took off years of her life from her children and viceversa.

However, I am not sure whether Enji and Rei are still married or separated or divorced or whatever. It seems like on paper they are still together, but there is a rift in their relationship.

I mean, look at this panel: Rei is behind her children, looking at Endeavour like the douchebag he is, and telling him promptly that, this, is not about him and that however he might feel, he is not the victim or the one who needs to be forgiven.

I, personally, have never thought much of her character, besides of her being sick, in hospital and trying not to relapse so hard.

The first time we see her, she looks lifeless. They looks listless. And I can't stress that enough, it is not that she did not try to fight it. But accepting that the trauma happened in the first time is a stress for her mental health. But instead of getting worse, Shouto and her family's presence revitalizes her.

Which beings me to the point made in the last panel. She knows that in his shallow way, Endeavour tried to tell her that he is still there, and while he does not want to impose his presence, he will still wait for her when she wants to.

Funny thing, is that we discover is that she does not want him back. She is done with everything that happened and she is ready to take the reigns of her life back. And in order to do that she needs to wash their dirty landry. And she does not care of how this might affect Endeavour, but instead she wants justice, truth and not tears and excuses.

Rei ia going to fight to have her way. Be it out of Endeavour 's life or inside the life of Touya, time only will tell.

And finally point 3.) The Big Three Villains' on change and saviours

I am very hard trying to get through to everyone out there while I say that change is something that comes to you regardless of whether you want it or not. Shigaraki, Dabi and Toga do not recognise that they might be able to change, and that they might be saved. In their minds, fairly, they do not have to change in order to be eligible for salvation. I already stressed this in my other answers, they should not change in order for them to ‘deserve’ being saved. Maybe they do not even want it. But if the chance presents itself, of them being offered a hand, would they dare to take it? Probably not. And this is not because they are happily wasting their time to kill and fuck around, no. It’s because it’s a mechanism ingrained into their minds: Dabi escaped home after he abused and neglected, Shigaraki accidentally killed his family and then was left to himself, and Toga was deemed weird and creepy and just cast aside as trash. Do you see a pattern here? If yes, well congratulations. It’s a quirk-based society, and since their quirks somehow became synonym to their worth, these individuals were deemed not worthy or villains from the get-go and they just choose to embrace whatever life threw at them, instead of just letting go. And let me tell you, that in their cases, letting go would mean die. They all, in some degree, suffer from auto-destructive and self-harm tendencies, which should be telling enough. And if it not, just think about why people behave this way. Why do people feel the need to destroy themselves? They do because they feel like the pain inside them feels a tiny bit lighter if they externate. Shigaraki told Izuku that as this failed society refused and never forgave him, he won’t forgive anyone in return. He does not care about his crimes because apart from those crimes he commits for a reason, he has nothing else going on. He does not have a family to go home to. He does not have a home. He does not have anything apart from the League, his memories hunting him and the eternal stigma of society labelling him as unsavable.

So excuse me very much when I say that they do not want to change and they might be right. Nothing changed, and nothing changes now. The only hope they have to be redeemed, it’s not for the heroes to forget their crimes, and to enjoy further destruction but to understand that the only way someone can help you is if believe in them. Dabi does not think he deserves to be saved. Toga had hopes which were destroyed right after Hawks killed Twice. Shigaraki put everything on the stake because the kid never knew how to genuinely smile. Let us for a moment think what would have happened to Eri if she did not get saved. It’s not hard after all: the kids of the League are all examples of what happens then.

It’s not because they change that they need to be saved. They need to be saved because they need to change.

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shra-vasti · 4 years ago

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Pretty U

Pairing : Xu Minghao x reader

Type : Soulmate au, idol au

Genre : fluff

Warnings : none

Word count : 3-4k approx

Soulmate au type : In which a person is born with a tattoo of a flower bud, when a person first has any sort of physical touch with their soulmate, it will bloom into a flower which represents their soulmate's personality briefly.

You were like an enigma, for Minghao at least. The way you performed, the way you subtly flirt with the audience, he wonders how you even do that. Whenever he watches you perform or even get a glimpse of you, it's enough for him to get stuck with the thoughts of you for a long time. He feels like he knows you, that you may have been someone from his far past or even an erased memory but the only thing that keeps him from believing those signs is the fact that you two haven't even once introduced yourself properly.

But he has heard about you, a lot. Nothing bad, nothing good. Form what he had heard, you were foxy, wily, sly who knew their way out. He didn't judge you, he never judged anyone maybe except for few of his members but that's the other story. He has no idea where those rumors about you came from, you were rather sweet aside from the rumors.

"Beware pretty boy." a rather euphonic voice warned him. He look up from where he was standing to see you standing in front of him rather closely. He backed off, shook by the proximity of the two of you. You laughed at his startled self, you hands behind your back as you shook your head.

He look cute like that. You saw him zoning out right in the middle of the bighit building, a little idea plopping in your head as you head towards him.

"I'm sorry." he bowed unable to hide his embarrassment. He heard you laugh again as you once again made your way towards him patting his shoulder and mumbling a sweet bye and exiting with a wink.

He stood there still frozen, did you perhaps flirt with him? He could feel his heart beating loudly as he patted his hand over it trying to calm it down. He didn't know why he felt such strong emotions when you came near him, maybe he just wasn't prepared.

He turned around abruptly, looking in the direction you went and kept looking till you were out of sight. Did you have such impact on each and every person you met? No wonder there were a hell lot of people who admired you, girls and boys combined. There was just something mysterious about you and he would be lying if he said it didn't attract him.

The sound of his phone going off pulled him out of his thoughts as he pull his phone out of his pocket. Jung Haeun, he picked up the phone informing her that he'll be at her house in 10 minutes as he started walking out of the building.

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"Are you really planning of leaving Korea so abruptly?"

Minghao was seated on the couch as he eyed Haeun's packed belongings. He felt his heart getting heavier as the seconds passed by. His thorat felt dry as he tried to reason everything out with her. If only Joshua and her would have listen to him first, things would have been far better.

"Sorry Hao, but you know I loved Joshua too much and it will be best for me if I get as away from him as possible. I'm going back home and start a new life. It's for my well being. Although I'm happy for him, I can't just let my heart break over and over again."

Minghao clenched his fist and closed his eyes momentarily. He inhaled and exhaled deeply trying his best to suppress his emotions. Haeun was someone really dear to him and it pained him watching her heart getting broke time and again. He wanted to blame someone but he couldn't. He knew feelings can't be controlled, he knew Joshua was going to find his soulmate eventually but he didn't think about Haeun leaving him just like that.

It was for her better, he kept repeating that to himself. He wanted to laugh at himself, how Joshua managed to meet Haeun through him and became more important to Haeun still a blur to him. Maybe the romantic love between two people was much stronger than the platonic love he shared with her from years but that didn't hurt less when she didn't even consider his feelings and took a decision.

He knew she was hurt and maybe it was better for her but now who was he going to go to when he felt down and neglected. She was the only one aside from his members he was closed too. How was he supposed to get used to her not being around him anymore. He lost his best friend just like that.

"Here's your coffee." Haeun smiled at him as she sat beside him and Minghao adjusted himself so that he was facing her. He reached towards her and held the cup as Haeun eyed his wrist, the tattoo on Minghao's wrist which was once a small bud blossomed into a beautiful dahlia. She internally smiled feeling happy for him finally meeting his soulmate, but getting confused as to why he didn't tell her.

"Thanks." he mummered taking a sip of the coffee. He drank it in one go, getting surprised by the sharp gaze Haeun had set on him. He gulped trying to figure her out before huffing.

"What?"

"So you are trying to tell me that you are too busy to even tell me about what's going on your life now?" her question was sudden, but her playful aura and small smirk gave off that it wasn't something very serious.

"What are you talking about?"

"Why didn't you tell me you found your soulmate?" she pouted looking at him. Minghao furrowed his eyebrows, his eyes unconsciously landing on his wrist where the bud tattoo was located only for them to widened. His brought his wrist closer to his face examine the newly bloomed flower.

"I....I don't know." his voice was a mere whisper, his mind wondering in so many different directions. Did he bumped into someone one the way? No he didn't.

"You don't know? Did you not know when the bud bloom into a flower when it was right on your wrist? You got to be kidding me." Haeun exclaimed, her eyes narrowing in his direction in a criticising way. She couldn't believe he was so naive to miss the formation of bond.

"God I can't remember." he pinched his eyebrows together then shaking his head violently. He never really made any effort to find his soulmate. He believed fate will find its way but that didn't mean he wasn't excited about the idea of meeting his soulmate and now he just crossed the chance with fate.

"It's okay hao I'm sure if not you, they will find their way towards you. Chill." She smiled at him sympathetically but bursting into fits of giggles soon.

"Let me drop you off." He got up pouting in her direction giving her a side glare as he got her luggage and exit her apartment with her following behind.

He dropped her off the airport, helped her with luggage and bid her goodbye with a bitter smile.

"I'll miss you." he said as he hugged her for the last time.

"We will see each other soon. I'll come to visit you sometime till that time try to remember something about your soulmate okay?" she replied breaking the hug. She patted his shoulder and winked in his direction before making her way towards the flight.

A sudden realization hit him at Haeun's gesture. You had touched him the same way Haeun did and it was so lame of him to forget about someone who lives in his mind majority of the time. He faceplamed himself before looking towards Haeun watching her flight take off.

He felt empty, her family was going to be really happy knowing she came back for good. He hoped with a sincere heart that she find her love. She deserved it. He just cursed fate for being so cruel with her but now he had something else on his mind, you. What were the chances of you being his soulmate again?

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Your eyes were trained on your wrist where a beautiful cosmos flower was bloomed, a small smile was splayed across your lips as you trailed it with your other hands. Cosmos, the flower that represents peace and tranquility. You exhaled as your mind wondered towards Minghao, you were too shy to spin around and run towards him exclaiming to watch his wrist plus you didn't want everyone else present in the building to know your business.

You never knew why people were interested in others life so much. Why they wanted to know everything about one's life. You get that being an idol you kind of sign up for it, well for the fans and netizens as it is but not the fellow idols at least. Idol life was a mess in idol industry but it seem really perfect in the eyes of netizens.

You kept your personal and idol life separated even from your fellow idols except for a few close ones who knew you from a long time or some people who you have taken a liking of. It led for every other person to have a wild guess on your life. Sometimes the rumours entertain you other times they gave you headaches but nonetheless it's fun to see everyone else getting worked up to figure you out.

You liked it, you prefer it that way. How people presumed you have countless of affairs, maybe with some of the CEOs of the big companies too but none of them had confirmation and that itself was satisfactory. You liked the attention you were getting, either way there were many people who admired you for your work as well as your exterior.

You wondered what Minghao thinks of you, if he judges you the way other do or if he thinks you are too good to date like others do. You shook your head, from what you have heard and from what you have seen, he wasn't the type to judge someone easily.

You made your way towards the building where the party was being held for celebrating and welcoming the artist of pledis, source music and your company under bighit. You were nervous but ecstatic at the same time.

"Cheers to everyone attending this party." the host exclaimed as soon as you grab the glass of your drink, you held it high laughing alongside everyone in the room and taking a glup.

The party was great, you talked with many idols and producers in order to strengthen your connections in the industry. Everything was great except that Seventeen was no where to be found, how were you going to approach Minghao if he was no where to be found.

"I hope you are having fun labelmate." his voice startled you, you didn't imagine him approaching you first that too as soon as the event started. You turn around a little too early for your liking making him raise his eyebrows as he giggled.

You scratch the back of your ear before nodding slowly, you weren't supposed to be this shy. You aren't known to be this timid. You recklessly blamed it on the soulmate bond.

"Where were you?" you asked even before you could think, he smiled as he reached forward to grab the drink from your hand, taking a sip and putting it aside.

"Just had to drop someone off so I was kind of late hence making the members wait for me and collectively getting late at the party." he stated as he looked in the direction where his members were standing. You followed his gaze, your eyes landing on the rest of Seventeen some of them laughing, some smirking and some trying their best to not look in your direction. Minghao gave them a look and they quickly turned around the other way.

"So you know?" you asked him motioning him towards your wrist which was now covered with a skin tape. He nodded, a big smile plastering on his face wanting to just hug you but not when you were in public like this.

"Why didn't you tell me?" he asked referring to the time when you could have stopped him and tell him about the soulmate bond.

"I figured that too late." you replied not wanting to sound too timid in front of him. He nodded at you telling you he will meet you after the party alone where you could just talk about yourself more privately. You bid him goodbye as he made his way towards his members.

You turn around wanting to grab another drink when your eyes landed on bunch of people eyeing you and gossiping. You sighed internally, you generally never minded this when you used to get caught up in false dating rumours but were they going to judge you for finding your mate too?

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"I'll go use the bathroom." Minghao excused himself as he made his way towards the restroom. He was happy, a little eager for this party to end. He wanted to hold you, tell you about how much you occupied his mind even when he didn't know you were his soulmate.

His eyes never left you and neither did yours. He was happy with this little game of stealing glances when no one was looking, or everyone was looking but he didn't know. You never understand anything fully till you experience it yourself and Minghao could confirm this saying. When Seokmin, Soonyoung and Joshua would gush about their soulmates and their love he used to cringe, finding it too lovey dovey for boys of their age but the prominent butterflies he felt when you smiled at him was something he wanna experience forever.

He was afraid that he was too plain for you, too simple, too boring that you would reject him the moment he step in front of you but he was happy to see you looking out for him. At first he thought you just hated the idea of being soulmate with him and didn't approach him but he figured you were shy. A little thing about you which he involuntarily learned.

He got out of the restroom feeling relieved, he didn't drink more than a glass but he rather had too many soft drinks. He fixed his blazer smiling at his senior who was heading in his direction but before he could pass her she stopped in front of him.

"Are you enjoying your time here?" Kim Sejung, a soloist who debuted the few years prior to him asked.

"Very much." he replied his eyes taking a look at the main hall where the party was going on to have a look at you.

"I hope we can collaborate anytime soon in the future. Your team is really amazing and you guys deserve your success." She said as she complimented him for maintaining his idol image really well. He smiled at her bowing towards her, thanking her for her kind words.

"But as you can see I'm your senior and have been in this industry longer so I suggest you to stay away from sly people who run behind you just because you are famous. Precaution is better than cure, don't want you getting hurt." her smile was bitter as she indirectly taunt him to stay away from you.

Her words caught him off guard, who was she to tell him about his life? He didn't wanted to sound rude so he just thanked her and made his way towards his members. He never understood what was wrong with people's mentality, or why did they care so much about other people's business.

This wasn't the first warning he had got the whole night, he had his fair share of unwanted advice from his fellow idols, mainly female idols spluttering shit about you having multiple affairs simultaneously and male idols about you trying to trap him as your prey to live off his stardom. Although you were his junior, you were comparatively doing well with your career, you didn't need him for that.

The members were getting more concerned about him as they could see his usually composed demenor cracking up little by little. It didn't go unnoticed by you. You saw all of the people going towards him to warn about you. You didn't even know what was wrong with you talking with him. Then again people don't know how to keep their nose off of others business. It pained you looking at him getting annoyed as the time passed, maybe he will get tired of it and not see you, the thought pained you but you didn't know what do to. You weren't going to let people ruin your relationship with him even before forming it.

You made your way out of the main hall towards the backyard which had a garden. You went towards it taking off your heels and keeping it aside as you made yourself comfortable on a cold bench. A sigh left your lips forming a cloud, you should have brought your coat along with you as you came outside. Outside was far more chill than the hall inside.

Your thoughts went back towards the hall, sometimes you wish you debuted in a girl group, at least you would have shoulders to lean on at such times. You never let the rumours break you but those rumours potentially creating a gap between you and your soulmate made you uneasy. Your eyes filled with tears as you breathed in and out to calm yourself.

Suddenly the chillness of the surrounding subsidised, you look down at yourself touching the warm fabric that was now protecting you from the chill breeze. You look up, immediately standing up on your feet to come face to face with Minghao. He stepped closer as you look down at your feet to hide your tears away from him. This wasn't how you were planning the after party would go.

He hooked his index finger on your chin and brought your face up, he leaned closer concern laced on his face as he wipe the tears with his hands.

"What are you crying about?" his voice was barely above a whisper due to your close proximity, his breath hitting your face as he spoke. "Why didn't you bring your coat with you it's cold in here."

"I'm sorry." you said as you tried your best to look anywhere but him. He encircled his arms around you, bringing you closer to his body immediately making you feel more warm as your hands rested on his chest.

"Look at me." and you did. "I don't care what others say, I am not annoyed at you. I just hate the fact that you allow people to talk shit about you." he continued as he cupped your cheeks kissing your nose gently. You closed your eyes relaxing in his embrace.

"It's better that way." you opened your eyes looking at him, he tilt his head at you. "The false rumors, it kind of helps me, otherwise the company would force me to date an idol for publicity and I don't want to be with anyone else but you. I wanted to be with my soulmate and I didn't want to court anyone else but you."

You nuzzled your face at the crook of his neck, your cheeks and ears getting red due to your sudden confession but it felt right to tell him those things. You inhaled his scent, your smile widenening at the feeling of his heart beating rapidly in his chest. You stayed like that for a while, in each other's arms as he rubbed random pattern on your back.

"You don't have to force yourself to be with be because of our bond you know? There's going to be a time when you will feel overwhelmed with the amount of gossip and rumors about me. I don't want you to get hurt." you replied as you wrapped both of your arms around his waist too afraid to let go as if he would disappear.

"I don't care." he sighed softly kissing your temple before tucking your head back at the crook of his neck. "I don't care what others say as long as you are with me. It will hurt me to listen something which I know will hurt you but they are just rumors, they will die down. And I'll be by your side forever."

If anything Minghao was sure of was his determination to protect you and you wanted nothing but him to believe in you and your bond. You kissed his neck as you hugged him more tightly.

"Can you kiss me?" and so he grabbed the collar of his blazer which was draped on your shoulder and pulled you again him as he kissed you again and again till you forgot everything else but him.

▫️▫️▫️▫️▫️▫️▫️▫️▫️▫️▫️▫️▫️▫️▫️▫️

"I want to pick and gather all the pretty words for you. They stick in my throat in front of you. I promise myself, while drinking a glass of water in the morning, to tell you. I will confess what has been on the tip of my tongue tomorrow, You are pretty.''

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songsoomin · 4 years ago

Text

Let Me Down Part 2 (A, S)

Synopsis: CollegeStudent!Mingi x CollegeStudent!Reader, Friend!Yunho. After you left Mingi due to his neglect of you, you’re both finding it tough to move on

Song inspiration: ‘Need You Now’ Lady A

Genre: Angst, smut and eventual fluff (but not yet)

Warnings: Drunk unprotected sex, fingering, oral (m and f receiving), mentions of using alcohol to cope with the pain, threat of sexual assault (by random character, of course not any of the boys), physical violence (towards same random character).

Word count: 9K (sorry)

Posted: 27th June 2020

Part 1 Part 3

It was the third time you'd heard the gentle knock on your bedroom door and for the third time you ignored it.

"Y/N...." Jina's worried voice filtered through, "...please come out and eat something."

You buried your head further under the covers.

"You haven't eaten properly in days. Not since -"

"Jina...let her be. She just needs some time." Suzy interjected before Jina could mention him. Both your roomates had been tip-toeing around what happened three days ago. The day you finally broke up with Mingi. They'd both been waiting for you to see sense and dump your selfish, unreliable boyfriend of five years but hadn't forseen the fallout from that decision. Now they were both worried for you.

When they came home from their lectures that day to find you lying on your bed, red-eyed from crying all afternoon. They had thought that as you were the one who broke it off, you'd cry it out and then get over it - after all, it wasn't like you were the one who'd been dumped...you'd chosen to end it. They had got it very wrong, though, because you still loved Mingi, despite leaving him and you felt like your world had caved in on you. You left him because you couldn't stand knowing he didn't love you the same way anymore, knowing you just weren't that important to him. You had to leave because you knew the way he was treating you was wrong. It didn't mean you didn't love him anymore, though, and right now you were starting to question whether this pain you were feeling was worse than the hurt you felt while you were with him.

"You did the right thing, Y/N." Suzy said with confidence later that evening when you had finally given in to Jina's worrying and come out to pick at some toast. "You can't allow yourself to be taken for granted like that."

"I know it hurts now but you'll start to feel better soon and one day you'll find someone who isn't too stupid to see how lucky he is to have you." You almost rolled your eyes at the cliched line coming out of your best friend's mouth but you didn't want to offend her; you knew she was trying her best to cheer you up.

"It might not be too bad, Y/N..." Jina added, "At least you don't have any shared classes with him and there isn't long left before graduation anyway. You'll never have to see him again after that."

The feeling you got when Jina spoke of never seeing Mingi again was like being punched in the gut. You felt sick so you ditched your toast and made an excuse, trudging back to your room to lay on your bed, willing this feeling to go away.

By Monday you had come to the realisation that you couldn't stay in your room forever so when Suzy - the 'mother' of your trio - came in to ask if you were going to return to your classes, you surprised her by already being awake. It was wholly unlike you to be up and dressed early but you hadn't been sleeping properly for the last week anyway.

As the weeks went by you found that you could return to life as normal for the most part; you went to classes, your part-time job, even a few social gatherings and you seemed almost normal again but Jina and Suzy could see it. You weren't ok. You did a good enough job of pretending in order to get through the day but you weren't quite the same anymore. You also knew this but the only way you knew to manage was to ignore the pain; you buried it as far down as you could until it was just a dull ache in the background, a constant reminder that he didn't love you.

********

Mingi POV

"So she finally dumped your sorry arse?" Hongjoong asked once Mingi told him why he was slumped on the couch staring blankly at the TV screen. To be honest he hadn't paid any attention to what was on and now he looked at it properly it appeared to be some kind of gardening programme - certainly not what he would normally watch and what must've caused his friends such confusion when they came back to the dorm Mingi shared with Yunho and Hongjoong.

"You did have it coming, though..." Yeosang said matter-of-factly, earning a glare from Mingi but he continued undisturbed, "I mean, did you think she would put up with being neglected forever? You barely made any time for her, at all."

Mingi contemplated that and realised he had never thought about it. It would be a lie to say he was unaware that he prioritised his friends over you but he just assumed you were ok and would always be there.

"You ok, bro?" Yunho asked, jolting Mingi out of his thoughts suddenly. The tall blonde, as his best friend, was more worried about how Mingi felt than the others were.

"I'm fine." Mingi said trying to sound a lot more happy than he felt. "In fact, I'm great. I can do whatever I want now, spend as much time with you guys as I like without being nagged about it. Now I can enjoy our last months at college before we have to join the real world."

Yunho looked at him as if he was crazy and maybe he was but if he kept telling himself that this was a good thing for him then maybe he would start to believe it and get rid of this painful aching in his chest.

"You know, you really didn't deserve her." Yunho muttered as he walked away.

It had been about two months since Mingi had really seen you - not that he hadn't looked but he seemed to only catch a glimpse of you as you crossed the campus grass or disappeared into one of the lecture halls. He thought he'd at least see you in the cafeteria or eating lunch with your friends on the grass as the weather was so nice now but he never did - it was almost like you had completely disappeared from his life. He hadn't spoken to his friends about you at all - still stuck in his delusion that if he pretended to be happy without you, he would be - but eventually he asked Yunho, who was on the same course as you, if you were still attending lessons.

"Yeah, of course she is." Yunho answered, not thinking much of it as he was distracted with the choice of pizza in front of him at the lunch counter.

"Do you talk to her much? Is she ok?" Mingi attempted to seem nonchalant but the questions caught Yunho's attention now that he'd settled on his usual pepperoni and a diet coke to wash it down with.

"Why?" He asked, raising an eyebrow in challenge. Mingi kept pretending he was having a great time single, going out to clubs, drinking, flirting with girls, but Yunho had been his best friend since they were five years old and he wasn't swallowing that crap. It didn't escape his attention that Mingi was drinking too much and, as much as he flirted, never accepted any of the girls' advances.

"No reason. I just hardly ever see her around - I just wondered." Mingi looked away fast, not wanting Yunho to see just how much he wanted to hear anything about you.

"Uh-huh, sure." Yunho shook his head at Mingi, "Just go try to win her back or something. The others might not notice but I know this is tearing you apart."

"Hey! She dumped me! If she loved me so much she wouldn't have left." As his voice faltered on those last words, Mingi couldn't help but let slip how he really felt. There was no point hiding it, anyway. Yunho already knew.

"You're so stupid, Mingi." Yunho replied, sighing because what he also knew was that you looked like shit all the time because you weren't sleeping or eating properly. He knew you were just as unhappy but Mingi was still just as self-absorbed, only thinking about how hard this was on him when really he should just take some fucking responsibility for how he treated you and realise it was all his own fault.

********

In truth you very much had been avoiding any place you knew Mingi would be; you knew his schedule and his habits so you simply made sure you took a different route if your classes ended around the same time. You always went off campus for lunch, as well, somewhere you knew Mingi wouldn't go. Jina and Suzy were really supportive, they knew that it was still hard for you to see him and would do anything to help you through it. As time wore on you actually found that not seeing Mingi helped a lot and slowly you were starting to feel better. Your best friends were also delighted to see you starting to eat better, taking it as a sign you were getting over him. It didn't always work, you were bound to see him occasionally as you were at the same college. When you did see him, though, he would be laughing with his friends, looking so carefree. Sometimes you would see him talking to girls, though, and that same dull ache that never really went away clawed its way back to the surface.

"We're going out tonight!" Suzy announced as she breezed into the living room of your shared dorm.

"Who is?" You asked, confused.

"We are. The three of us." She threw you a look that dared you to say 'no' and carried on so you wouldn't have time to protest. "Lucas invited us to a bar with his friends tonight so I've decided to take you out to have some fun."

"Fun?" You weren't sure about Suzy's idea of fun; it usually involved a lot of drinking and dancing and, more often than not, making fools of yourselves.

"Yes. Fun. That thing you never have anymore. It's about time you got back out there instead of moping around this place. You might even meet someone nice - Lucas has a lot of hot friends, you know." She added with a cheeky wink. "So get in your room and get ready now. I want a hot-looking Y/N in one hour. Jina, that goes for you too!"

"Yes, ma'am!" Jina mock-saluted and headed towards her room, laughing.

You weren't opposed to going out; maybe it would help but you didn't care about meeting anyone. You knew very well how good-looking Lucas's friends were and you used to think Johnny might have a thing for you but you weren't there yet.

The bar itself was really nice and the music wasn't too noisy so you could still have a conversation without having to shout. It had an 80's vibe with coloured neon tube-lights and music of the era but didn't overdo it, still being able to pass for a normal bar rather than a themed one. As soon as you were there, Suzy made a beeline for Lucas and virtually leapt into his arms, kissing him passionately; given their size difference he easily caught and lifted her up when she jumped, wrapping her legs around his middle. They were a really cute couple, you thought; him tall and blonde and Suzy smaller with dyed red-hair. You and Jina followed along, greeting him once she'd let him go and getting introduced to any of his friends that you didn't know already.

You were actually having a pretty good time, surprisingly, Lucas's friends were fun and made you feel welcome. Some of them might have been a bit too eager to make you - and Jina - feel welcome and you suspected it was to do with what you were wearing and you knew you looked good. Your blue dress wasn't too revealing but it clung in the right places and emphasised your curves and you'd completed the look with a pair of high heels. You may not have been interested in catching anyone's eye but you still liked to look nice because it always made you feel more confident. Jina, however, was loving all the attention she was getting from the boys and was flirting shamelessly, making you laugh to yourself - something you hadn't done much of in months. An hour or so in the drink caught was making it's way through you and you decided to head to the bathroom but, as you wound your way through the crowd of people, you heard something that made you stop in your tracks. You knew that familiar, deep voice all too well and it cut through you like a knife.

You looked to where the voice came from and saw Mingi sitting with some blonde girl on one side of a booth with Seonghwa and a brunette on the other, looking very much like they were double-dating. Your heart twisted painfully as you watched the blonde girl very evidently flirting with him and taking every opportunity to stroke his arm or put her hand on his broad chest. As you stood there dumbstruck, Mingi looked around and you could see the shock cross his handsome face as he registered you standing there.

"Y/N." He called your name almost apologetically, like he'd been caught doing something but you weren't hanging around to find out what he had to say; you almost ran to the bathroom and flew into one of the stalls breathing hard. You sat there processing the situation - so what if he was on a date with some girl? He can do whatever he wants - he's a free man. It wasn't for you to care anymore, you said 'goodbye' to him. You can't afford to care now, you'd come so far trying to move on. Like this you reasoned yourself into a kind of calm and made your way back to your friends, taking a route in which you wouldn't walk past him again. It must have been a little obvious that you weren't quite ok as Johnny seemed to notice but then he had been paying you a fair bit of attention tonight.

"Are you ok? You look a little pale."

"Yeah, I'm fine..." you lied as best you could, "Just need another drink is all."

"Comin' right up!" Johnny smiled and ordered you another Purple Rain cocktail while you forced yourself to look happy and normal. You drank the drink pretty quickly and ordered another, hoping the alcohol might ease the ache in your chest that had now returned with a vengeance.

********

Mingi POV

"Mingi....Mingi!"

"Oh.. uh.... what?"

"Dammit, Mingi, I've been talking to you for the last five minutes - why are you never with it anymore?" Hongjoong asked, exasperated with his roomate's behaviour.

Yeosang snorted, "We all know why he's never with it anymore."

"Shut up, Yeosang!" Mingi spat back at the smaller blonde man.

Hongjoong sighed and looked at Mingi with concern in his eyes, "Mingi, we're all worried about you. You don't sleep properly, you either mope around the dorm or you stay out partying all night long.....and we've all noticed how much you're drinking these days."

So what if he was? Mingi was tired of his friends' interfering. Why couldn't they just leave him alone?

"You know what you need?" Seonghwa added as he plopped down on to the couch next to Mingi, "You need a good fuck."

"Oh my God - that's your answer to everything, Hwa!" Hongjoong despaired, throwing his hands in the air at the oldest member of their friend group. "He needs to deal with his feelings, not hook up with random girls."

"No, it's exactly what he needs." Seonghwa turned his attention over to Mingi now, "Get back on the horse, bro; you haven't been with anyone since Y/N." The mere mention of your name caused Mingi's heart to clench and the pained look on his face didn't go unnoticed by his friends.

"Getting back out there and meeting girls is the best way to forget about her and move on." Except Mingi didn't want to forget about you.

"How on Earth would you know, Hwa?" Yeosang interrupted, laughing, "You've never had your heart broken. In fact, do you even have a heart to break?"

Yeosang laughed harder at the rude gesture Seonghwa threw his way as he replied, "You're just jealous I get laid so much more than you do, Sangie. It's the safest way - if you don't get attached, you can't get hurt."

"Hwa's right!" Mingi jumped up, surprising them all, "If that's what it takes to prove to you all that I'm fine and stop you nagging at me, I'll do it."

"Great! I'm seeing this new girl tonight so I'll ask her to bring a friend along for you." Seonghwa grabbed his phone and started texting, "Go get ready, Min."

A few hours later Mingi was seated in a booth next to some blonde girl he'd just met with Seonghwa and a brunutte opposite them. He had started to realise that Hwa was not right, after all. He didn't want to be here with this vapid girl that was meant to be his date and, to be honest, he'd already forgotten her name. The girls Seonghwa hung around with were all very pretty but he didn't look for much more than that - why would he when he never intended to get to know them? To him, the girls he dated were just for a fun night - maybe a few if he liked them enough - they never lasted long. Seonghwa was tall, dark haired and, arguably, the best looking of them all; his aura just seemed to attract girls without him even trying.

Mingi couldn't help but compare this girl to you; you were beautiful and intelligent. You could have fun together and proper conversations, you had a connection - this girl was so dull, just talking about celebrities and clothes...he really didn't know how Seonghwa could bear it just to get his dick sucked at the end of the night.

He really was trying his best to be friendly and polite but this stupid girl just kept pawing at him, laughing at anything he said as if it were the funniest thing she'd ever heard. He downed his third drink and ordered another just to try to get through this ordeal.

As he was getting through the fourth drink, Mingi felt eyes on him, turning around he saw you standing there looking back at him and the girl. You looked so beautiful to him, in the blue dress he used to love on you the most but he couldn't look away from your face and the look of utter hurt in your eyes.

"Y/N..." He called out, throwing the girl's arm off himself, but to no avail. You darted towards the bathroom and away from him.

"Is that girl someone you know?" The blonde asked him with almost a jealous tone to her voice.

"Just...stop talking." He ground out, annoyed at her very presence, and stalked off towards the bar, downing his drink as he went.

Once there Mingi ordered another drink and two shots; he didn't want to feel what he was feeling and alcohol had become the only thing that came close to helping. Why did he feel like he'd been caught cheating on you? It was you who left him! He laughed bitterly at himself for ever thinking that if he just pretended to be fine, he eventually would be. It had been months now and the hole in his heart was still just as raw.

"Min..." Seonghwa appeared beside him, "What are you doing?"

"Hwa, I know you're trying to help but I can't do this." Mingi said, downing the shots one after the other as Seonghwa stood there, eyebrows raised in concern.

"You're going to have to move on at some point, Min... It looks like Y/N is." Seonghwa said gently, tilting his head in your direction.

Mingi looked to where his friend nodded and felt anger rise up in his chest as he watched you take a purple cocktail from Johnny, laughing at something he'd just said. He couldn't stand this; just the thought of Johnny - anyone - taking his place at your side, holding you, kissing you, touching you..... No! He wouldn't even think of it. He couldn't bear to. Mingi downed his last drink and marched towards the door, leaving his friend just staring after him.

Next morning, Mingi woke up feeling sick, not knowing if it were more from the alcohol or the memories of seeing you looking happy and carefree with Johnny. As far as he could see, you didn't look close enough to be an item but who knows? The thought of you with another man still filled him with anger but you weren't his anymore. He had to get used to that.

He texted Seonghwa to apologise for running out so suddenly.

It's ok, bro, I understand why you didn't want to be there anymore. Came the reply, followed quickly by,

Oh.. and don't worry, I made sure your date had a good time ; )

Mingi laughed to himself, thankful for Hwa's easygoing nature.

********

You sat with Suzy and Lucas at the breakfast table next morning, Lucas had stayed over and made pancakes for the three of you and you sat eating and chatting about the night before.

"Jina really went home with Jaehyun?" You asked wide-eyed. You'd thought she was sleeping in and that was why you hadn't seen her yet this morning.

"Yeah," Suzy giggled, "...She's had her eye on him for some time; I guess she must've felt brave enough to make a move last night."

"Wow, good for her, I guess." You said forking another bit of maple syrup covered pancake into your mouth.

"Jaehyun's a nice guy," Lucas added, "he'll be good to her."

You sat quietly as Suzy and her boyfriend talked together about the events of last night. The ever-present dull ache throbbed as your mind replayed the image of Mingi with the blonde girl's hands all over him. He wasn't yours anymore, you told yourself, he could see anyone he wanted to.

Your only concern now had to be trying to get through your exams and graduate and you couldn't afford to be distracted by anything else if you were going to do that. You finished up your pancake and cleared your plate into the sink, thanking Lucas for making it as you went.

"What are your plans today, Y/N?" Suzy asked.

"Oh, I think I'll just study; I'm still a little behind on my coursework and I'll have no hope of graduating if I don't get this done."

"Ok...work hard!" Suzy chirped as you wandered back into your bedroom.

You'd done it. You'd got through your exams and were graduating. It had been really hard and you'd had to keep forcing yourself to concentrate on your studies because Mingi was never far from your thoughts. It was easier being without him now than it was in those first months but the dull ache never entirely went away - always reminding you of it's presence if ever you caught a glimpse of him around campus. Jina and Suzy had done their best to pull you through it but you found yourself having to accept the reality that the pain would now always be a part of you. You ached for Mingi, to be back in his arms, but you knew he wasn't right for you. He didn't feel the same.

The actual day of graduation passed by in a blur - the calling of names and collecting of certificates had been terribly boring but you'd daydreamed your way through most of it, having to be nudged by Jina when you missed your name being called. Your parents had come along and taken you out to dinner - just like everyone else's parents so the restaurants were packed. Despite trying your best not to think about Mingi over the last few months you had decided to talk to Yunho about him briefly during class.

"Yunho?"

"Yeah?"

"Do you think you could do me a big favour?" You ventured nervously. You were close to Yunho from sharing classes with him all throughout college but he was still Mingi's best friend so you weren't sure how this would go down with him.

"Uhh...sure. Well...depends what it is." He laughed, flashing his blindingly bright smile at you. You'd always thought he was kind of cute but now his dyed blonde hair started to grow out and his natural black peeked through he was even more good-looking.

"Could you try to find out where Mingi and his parents are planning to go for his graduation meal?" Yunho looked a little surprised so you tried to explain your request. "It's just that...I don't want to run into him because I know it will be awkward. Our parents will probably start to chat because they used to be friends when we were dating and I don't think I could deal with that."

A look of sympathy crossed Yunho's face and he reached out from his seat next to you and rubbed his had up and down your back in a reassuring manner. "Sure, Y/N. I'll do my best."

Yunho had come through so you were able to relax at dinner, knowing you wouldn't have to deal with the unwanted situation.

Although the dinner was nice and it was lovely to see your parents after a long time, you were more excited about the bigger celebration tomorrow; it was generally tradition for the graduates to go to out clubbing the day after (given that the parents wanted to celebrate on the day itself) but the next night you could really unwind and enjoy yourselves. You were a bit sad because the end of college meant your best friends would be moving on with their lives but you were trying to see it as an opportunity yourself - you felt like this city was your home so you wouldn't physically be moving but, metaphorically, you could move on from this last painful period of your life.

The next morning you saw your parents and wished them a good journey home; they had moved since you started college so they were further away than they used to be and didn't want to make the drive home late at night. They stayed in a hotel overnight and you met them for breakfast before seeing them off but once they were gone you started to get excited about the evening to come. You, Jina and Suzy had made reservations at a salon to have manicures and pedicures, and get your make up done; partly because you wanted a treat but also to spend the day being pampered with your two best friends before you wouldn't have them in your life so much anymore. You also went to get your hair done - nothing drastic, just a trim and professional blow dry - you wanted to look great tonight and you'd never felt you were any good at doing your own hair. A new dress and heels and you were ready.

The chosen club was the favourite one for the students to visit, it played the best music and didn't charge a fortune for drinks - best of all though, it had a 2-for-1 offer on cocktails and shots, knowing all the students would flock there for their post-graduation celebration. As you walked in you felt amazing, your dress was a black, sparkly material, fitted in all the right places and shorter than you normally went for. You matched it with strappy, black stilettos with a glitter heel and subtle silver jewellery. It wasn't just your look that made you feel amazing, you just felt better than you had in a long time; maybe it was optimism for a fresh start.

As the night wore on, the drinks kept flowing and you were well on your way to being drunk and having a great time with your own group of revellers. You, Jina and Suzy were there with Lucas and his usual friends but he'd also brought along some others from his course who you'd never met before. You'd normally be shy around new people and keep to yourself but the alcohol and excited atmosphere made you braver and you were all happily dancing together. There was one guy in particular who seemed to have taken a liking to you and was dancing very close, trying to grind on you; you were happy to dance with him but politely tried to keep a distance between you. After a while he was getting a bit too handsy so you excused yourself to go get a water from the bar. It was there that you spotted the one person you had hoped not to see and he was heading in your direction right now. As he approached you noticed he had cut his black hair slightly shorter than before and had a fringe. A lot of students chose to dye their hair bright colours but you loved Mingi's naturally black hair - with that and his beautiful dark eyes and plump pink lips, you'd always thought he looked stunning. Just to make it harder for you he had worn a dark blue shirt with the first two buttons undone so you could see the thin silver chain he wore draped across his well defined collarbones and it made your heart beat a little faster.

"Y/N, can we talk?"

You looked up at Mingi, wishing all the feelings you had been trying to supress for the last few months weren't trying to claw their way to the surface.

"I don't think that's a good idea." You said, looking away from him, still waiting for your turn to get served.

"Oh, but dancing provocatively with your arse in some dude's crotch is a good idea to you?"

You snapped your head up and stared at him in shock. Was he really doing this?

"What has it got to do with you if I do, Mingi?" You were starting to get angry, he can't just decide to start caring now after taking you for granted for so long.

"Maybe I just don't like seeing some other guy with his hands all over my girlfriend." He said, raising his already naturally loud voice a little, making the few people in earshot look round curiously.

"Except I'm not your girlfriend, am I?" You spat at him and the look of hurt that flashed over his features sent a pain through your heart - or was it really the fact that you weren't his that was hurting you?.

"Y/N...please." He looked like a hurt puppy and your resolve wavered - only for a moment, though, because you remembered the blonde at the bar and anger rose up in your chest again.

"You think can go out and date random girls with Seonghwa but get to tell me who I can and can't dance with?"

"What? That stupid girl from the bar? I just went on that date to stop Hwa bugging me about it and I left just after I saw you there. I never wanted her - I only want you!" The look Mingi gave you was so earnest you wanted to believe him but the truth was he had hurt you so much.

The bartender came then to take your order. You should've just asked for the water you came for but the dull ache you had come to live with was turning into a sharp, tearing pain again.

"Two shots of tequila, please." Mingi waited silently beside you while you got your drinks and paid. When you were done he grabbed your arm, trying to stop you from leaving.

"Y/N... Please give me another chance." He looked so broken but you couldn't go back to him, back to being neglected and ignored.

You downed both shots and put the glasses back on the bar. Steeling yourself against the pained look he was giving you, you turned and looked up into the face of the man you knew, deep down, you still loved but were still too angry at.

"No, Mingi. I can't."

You walked back to the dance floor, knowing full well what you were doing was petty, and started dancing with that same guy whose name you didn't even know. This time you did dance provocatively and you let him grind against you. You knew Mingi was watching you, you could see him looking over at you while he drank with his seven friends. It was a bad idea, you knew that but you wanted Mingi to know that he didn't own you. You were his once but he ruined it.

You were having a lot of fun but eventually you started to feel the alcohol catching up to you as your movements became less co-ordinated. It was pretty late anyway so you told Suzy and Jina you were calling it a night.

"Do you want us to come with you?" Jina asked but you knew they were still a long way off from being done.

"I'll be fine; there are still lots of people on the streets and I won't go through any secluded areas." You promised.

Hugs were exchanged and you stumbled you way through the mass of clubbers to get to the door. Outside you stopped a little way from the club and enjoyed the feeling of the cool night air on your hot skin.

"Hey." You turned in the direction of the male voice to find the guy you had been dancing with had followed you out of the club.

"Oh. Hi." You said uneasily, hoping he didn't want what you thought he might.

"So I thought we could go back to my place and have a little more fun, yeah?" He took a few steps closer to you with a look in his eyes that made you uncomfortable.

"I'd really rather go home alone, thank you." You said as confidently as you could despite feeling anxious, hoping he would accept your refusal and leave you alone.

He closed the distance running his hand down your arm and closing his hand around your wrist. "You see...I don't really think it's fair for you to tease me all night like that and then not give me a little something." You swallowed nervously, looking around and trying to think of how to get out of this awful situation.

"Don't you agree?" He added a little menacingly, leaning in closer to you.

The male tightened his grip on your wrist and started to pull you in the direction of a nearby side street; it was dark with no one down there and panic started to rise up in your chest, causing it to tighten horribly.

If you were able to think rationally you would have screamed to alert the other people on the streets that something was wrong but the fear had gripped you and all you could manage was a futile attempt at breaking free of this man's hold. He wasn't huge but you were still small compared to him, in height and build and his grip was firm.

As he pulled you, stumbling because of your stilettos and the alcohol, into the side street you managed to find your voice and, as loudly as you could muster with the fear still constricting your throat, you tried to shout, "Let me go! I don't want this!"

The man didn't listen to you, he simply stopped some way down the dark street and pushed your back up against the wall, holding you in place.

"Get your hands off her NOW!" His voice was low and full of anger but it was so beautiful to you in this moment.

"Get lost. She's mine tonight." The man said not even looking in the direction of the intruder but still looking directly at you with a nasty smile on his face.

All of a sudden he was yanked back away from you; he still had one of his hands on your wrist and pulled you over as he flew back.

"Are you ok?" Mingi asked, scanning your face. His voice held none of the anger it had a moment ago as he spoke gently to you. You let Mingi pull you up and steady you on your feet, feeling just a slight pain in your knee as it had been grazed by the fall.

"What's your problem, dude? I'm just trying to have a little fun."

The anger flashed over Mingi's face again as he straightened up and turned to the man and before you knew it he punched him hard in the face, the man stumbling and falling to the ground. Mingi turned back to you and gently said, "Let's go." and you could see he was doing his very best to hold in his fury. It already made him angry to think of another man touching you but to do so without your consent - and to hurt you, as well - took him beyond angry.

"She's just a tease anyway. If she's gonna act like a whore, she'll get treated like one." The man angrily called out after your retreating backs but Mingi couldn't let that pass, he wanted this scum to be sorry he ever touched you. He let you go and strode back to the man who was still sitting on the pavement, he grabbed his collar roughly in his left hand and started raining punches down on him. You stumbled your way over the uneven paving stones to try to calm him before he did any real damage but Mingi was in a rage; the man now lying on the ground having his face pounded by both of Mingi's large fists as he straddled his body.

"Mingi, please!" You cried out, worried someone would see this. The man was scum and didn't deserve any better given what he would've done to you but you didn't want Mingi getting into trouble because of his temper.

"MINGI, STOP!" He finally stopped, breathing hard and looked down at the bloody man under him. He was nowhere near calm but he let you lead him away.

You walked mostly silent back to your dorm, holding Mingi's arm for support with just the occasional query from him as to how you felt and if you were hurt, to which you tried to reassure him that you were fine now and it was just a graze. At your dorm you invited Mingi inside, partly because you didn't want him going off still so angry and partly to clean him up - his knuckles were cut and bloody and, at some point, the man must've got at least one punch in as you could see a fresh cut on Mingi's lip.

You sat Mingi on the couch as you prepared some water, cotton wool and antiseptic spray to treat his wounds. As he sat there with his head in his hands you could see the amount of anger still bubbling inside him.

"Mingi, I'm ok. Really." You said gently, startling him as he hadn't heard your approach.

"I'm not." He said simply. "I wanted to kill that guy for what he was trying to do to you."

Not knowing what to say to that you simply took one of Mingi's big hands in yours and started to clean the blood off his knuckles before gently drying them and spraying a little antiseptic over the cut skin. You laughed lightly when he hissed at the sting of it.

"So you can take the pain of repeatedly punching a man in the face until your knuckles bleed but you can't deal with a little stinging?"

Mingi smiled but it didn't reach his eyes, "You've calmed me down a bit now. The anger overtook me so much back there, I guess I didn't feel the pain."

You didn't reply, just moved quietly on to his other hand, cleaning it as he sat on the couch with his eyes closed and his head laid back. You smiled to yourself when he fussed about the antiseptic again.

Mingi looked up when you gently started to dab at the cut on his lip with wet cotton wool. While you were concentrating on cleaning off the blood, you could see that Mingi was staring intently at your face. A couple of times you looked up at him from you position next to him - kneeling on the couch but sitting back on your feet - and each time your eyes met you could see something blazing in his beautiful, dark eyes. It was definitely affection but you didn't know if it was love; that was something you had been sure he didn't have for you anymore. You looked closer at Mingi, looked into those intense, dark eyes that you loved so much and thought that maybe he did still love you.

Although, you knew it was a bad idea, you slowly leaned up and gently kissed the corner of his lip where he was cut. "Thank you for saving me." you added softly.

Mingi looked at you for a few seconds before grabbing your face with his large hands and pulling you in for a kiss; asking for entry with his tongue as he licked across your bottom lip. You knew it was wrong but you gave in and melted into it, kissing him back eagerly. You'd never been able to let go of your feelings for Mingi, even though you'd tried to bury them and, in your still slightly drunken state you didn't have the strength to deny him.

Mingi placed his hands firmly around your waist and pulled you onto his lap so you were straddling him, your short, black dress riding further up so the only barrier between you and the growing bulge in his trousers was your delicate underwear. He left your lips and kissed along your jawline, moving to your neck, pulling a gasp from you as he sucked hard against your soft skin. You couldn't help yourself and started grinding your core against him, feeling the bulge grow harder still underneath you. Mingi grabbed a hold of your dress and pulled it over your head in one fluid motion, almost growling as he took in the sight of you in your matching black lace bra and brazillian panties.

"I've missed you so much, Y/N. You have no idea how much I want you right now." His rough voice was deeper than you'd ever heard it and it sent shivers down your spine, the excitement making your core clench instinctively and wetness start to pool. As you moaned his name, Mingi unclasped your bra and tossed it to the floor, immediately latching his mouth onto one of your hard nipples while his large hand caressed the other breast before pulling harshly at your delicate nub with his thumb and forefinger. You let out a loud moan and ground down harder against his clothed erection wanting to feel more friction on your heated core and Mingi, knowing what you wanted so well by now, lifted you slightly and slipped his hand under the waistband of your panties and entered your warm, wet hole with his long fingers, reaching deeper than you ever could yourself.

The only thing you could hear was your own moans of pleasure and the wet sound of Mingi's fingers fucking in and out of you harshly. Suddenly Mingi lifted you into his strong arms and carried you into your bedroom, while you kissed down his neck, taking in the familiar scent of his cologne. He laid you on the bed and slid your panties off you, groaning as he took in the sight of your bare, wet pussy. Mingi crawled between you legs, firmly grabbing one in each hand and spread them further apart. Slowly he placed wet kisses along your inner thighs but gradually something more animalistic came over him and he started to mark you, biting and sucking hard and making bruises start to appear almost instantly. He ran his mouth all the way up from your soft inner thighs to the delicate skin between your thighs and your aching pussy and, finally, pulling you closer to him roughly he marked his way over your hips. He was like an animal that had fought and won for his mate and you loved that he was now marking you as his own before he took you as his own, too.

Marking complete, Mingi dove between your legs and licked all the way up your smooth, wet folds. You moaned out loud in pleasure as he finally slipped his tongue between them and straight into your tight hole, lapping up your juices and moaning against you.

"You taste so sweet, Baby. You don't know how badly I've wanted this." The vibration of his deep voice quickly drove you to the edge and when Mingi moved his mouth up to suck hard on your swollen clit you thought you were going to explode right then. Mingi shoved two of his long fingers back inside your entrance, which was now soaking with both your own wetness and his saliva, curling them up to hit your sweet spot and you couldn't contain it any longer. Intense pleasure flooded over you as Mingi continued to suck and lick sloppily at your clit while pumping his long fingers into you at a maddening pace, forcing your release to continue on for longer and longer. As you finally started to come down from the high, your body shuddered at the overwhelming sensitivity and you had to gently push Mingi's head away from your abused clit.

"Did you enjoy that, Angel?" He growled out lowly, "I've missed having my tongue inside you so much."

"But I'll bet you've missed my tongue on your cock so much more." You teased, blinking up at him through your lashes. Mingi always loved when you looked innocent but said the dirtiest things. He quickly undressed, stripping everything off entirely and you felt a thrill of excitement as you took in the sight of his hard dick standing against his lower stomach, pre-cum glistening on the tip.

"Let me take care of you, Mingi." You purred as you took his hands and pulled him down to lay on your bed. You crawled between his legs and gave him a long, sultry look as you lowered your head and kissed his wet tip. Mingi groaned at the sight of his pre-cum staining your lips and grabbed the back of your head, pulling it down, desperate to feel those soft lips around his cock. You happily obliged, wrapping your wet lips around the head and licking at the sensitive spot just under the rim. You felt his dick twitch in response but pulled away, only to lick all the way up the underside and finish with a flick against the rim again.

"Oh God...please!" Mingi was never good at being teased, always desperate to be inside you already so you gave him exactly what he wanted and, in one smooth motion, took his entire length in your mouth.

"Oh...fuck!" Mingi's cries of pleasure filled the air as you bobbed your head up and down, dragging your mouth almost all the way up to the tip only to slide right back down until he was hitting the back of your throat.

"Fuck, fuck, fuck!" The sounds of you gagging on his cock were the most beautiful to Mingi and you knew how much he loved it so you deep-throated him as best you could, which wasn't easy given how big he was. You pulled away for air when you felt him start to twitch more, knowing he was close and you crawled up to straddle him, rubbing your bare heat against his throbbing member.

"Mingi, I want you inside me." You whispered in his ear as you bit on his earlobe then moved down to bite and suck on his neck, leaving marks of your own.

He groaned in frustration, "Baby, I don't have any protection on me. I didn't expect this to happen."

You didn't have anything either, having not been with anyone since him but drunken desire took over you, drowning out the tiny sober voice in the back of your head which told you this was an incredibly stupid idea.

"Mingi! I need you. Please fuck me."

Being somewhat impaired himself, Mingi didn't have the willpower to resist, he flipped you over and held himself above you with one hand beside your head and the other stroking his hard dick. He positioned himself at your entrance and stroked his tip up and down your wet slit to lubricate himself before slowly sliding in to you. The feeling of sheer pleasure overwhelmed you as you felt his thick cock stretching your walls to accommodate it and you clenched around him instinctively.

"Shit...I forgot how tight you are." He breathed out as he pushed all the way in as far as he could.

"And I forgot... aaahhh...how big and thick you are...." you cried out as Mingi hit your G-spot perfectly. He had always been big - and perhaps it was just because you'd missed him being inside you so much - but right now he felt huge and you wondered how on Earth he was fitting in your tight little hole.

Mingi leaned down and kissed you deeply, never stopping his hard, deep thrusts. His soft lips moved down to your neck leaving wet kisses down your hot skin until he reached your collarbone and resumed marking you.

"God, I love your tight cunt." He growled out between kisses as he continued to thrust hard and fast. The feeling of Mingi's big, hard cock sliding in and out of your aching core was more than you could bear and the intensity of it overtook all your senses until you couldn't feel anything else but him.

"This sweet little cunt belongs to me." He said as he continued to fuck you roughly. "Tell me you haven't let anyone else touch you. Tell me you're still mine." Mingi's voice was a mix of possessive and desperate as he begged you for reassurance.

"Mingi..." you panted out as he continued to rock his hips against yours, "There was never anyone else but you."

"Tell me you're mine." He demanded, his deep, powerful voice forcing you into submission.

"I'm yours, Mingi. I'm all yours." A tiny part of you knew this was all a bad idea but it felt so right. Mingi being inside you made you feel complete and, for once, you couldn't feel that dull ache in your chest anymore.

Mingi could feel you clenching around him and, knowing you were getting close again, he reached down between your boddies and began to circle your still very sensitive clit while whispering praises to you.

"That's it, beautiful girl, cum for me again." He let out a deep groan as he felt your walls convulse around him and your warm, wetness release all over his thick cock.

Chasing his own high, Mingi lifted your legs to rest over his shoulders so he could reach deeper inside you and his thrusts got harder but sloppier as he came ever closer to orgasm.

"Baby, you feel like Heaven...I wanna fill you up so badly." He was so close now and you desperately wanted him do it.

"Mingi, cum for me. Fill me up. Make me yours, Mingi." It was all he needed to hear and with a couple more thrusts he released deep inside you, filling you up with his hot, thick cum.

Mingi remained inside you as you both breathed heavily, coming down from your highs, before pulling out and laying beside you on the bed. He pulled you into his arms and, as you were succumbing to sleep, you could hear him murmuring,

"You're mine, Angel. You'll always be mine."

********

As you woke to the sun's rays filtering through your window, you had a mixture of thoughts running through your mind as the memories of last night came flooding back. Mingi was laying next to you, still with an arm wrapped around you and he roused as he felt you moving to sit up.

"Good morning, Baby."

You smiled at him but it didn't reach your eyes. You were so confused; what happened last night had felt so right but now you were entirely sober and could think about it clearly, you were scared. Mingi had hurt you before and it had taken so much to get over it that you were scared to let it happen again.

"Y/N, what's up?" He could see by your expression that something was wrong but didn't know where your thoughts were taking you.

"Mingi...What happened last night. It shouldn't have."

"What are you talking about?" He asked, confused.

"We can't be together. You hurt me before, I can't go back to that - I can't go through that again."

"Baby, you're mine." He said desperately, "You said you were mine." In his eyes you could see tears forming, shaking your resolve. You couldn't bear to see him like that so you looked down at your hands which were in your lap, playing with your fingers anxiously.

"I can't be yours anymore, Mingi. Last night...we were both drunk." You said it gently, willing him to understand.

"I may have been a little drunk but I know it wasn't a mistake. I love you, Y/N."

"I'm sorry, Mingi. Please...just go." The words sounded wrong in your ears but you were so scared of being hurt again.

"Don't do this to me again. I can't be without you, Baby." His deep voice sounded so desperate but you couldn't look at him, couldn't afford to let him change your mind.

"I'm so sorry." Despite the tears falling, the finality in your tone told him that you meant it. You felt the bed move as he got up and heard the rustle of his clothes as he picked them up and silently dressed. You held in your sobs until you had heard the front door close, knowing if he heard how broken you were he would come back. Once you were all alone you let all the pain debilitate you and sobbed into the pillow which smelled so much of the man you still loved.

********

Mingi POV

Hongjoong and Yunho looked up as their other roomate walked in the door looking disheveled.

"Hey! Where did you go last night? You suddenly disappeared." The shorter of the two asked.

They watched as Mingi silently walked to the kitchen side and picked up the half-drunk bottle of bourbon sitting there. Unscrewing the cap and tossing it onto the side, he took a long swig. He hissed slightly as the alcohol stung the cut on his lip, causing some of the brown liquid to drip down onto his shirt.

As your ex-boyfriend walked towards his room, the bourbon bottle gripped tight in his hand, his two best friends really took in the state of him - cuts all over his knuckles, a cut on his lip which was starting to bruise.

"Mingi, what the hell happened to you?" Yunho called out, alarmed.

"Just....leave me alone."

#song mingi #song mingi smut #song mingi ateez #ateez x reader #ateez smut #ateez mingi #ateez angst #mingi x reader #mingi x reader smut #mingi angst #ateez college au

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mirkwoodest · 4 years ago

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TW: discussion of infanticide, abuse towards autistic people, and a mention of miscarriage.

I am very glad to hear that you love yourself! /g

I don't believe that the person whose tags I was responding to is autistic, which is a part if why I specifically consider it to be hateful and ableist. No one should speak that way in such harmful and general terms about an entire group of people.

I think you actually understand what I'm trying to say though! I'm not trying to spin a romantic fantasy that everything was all good all the time, I'm just trying to stamp out the perspective that everyone was all bad all the time. I know that many people, including autistic people, would have been hurt and abused in the past because people have always had the capacity to hurt and abuse each other, especially those who are different. But I also know that people have the capacity to love and support each other. Just as you said, "individuals can be good."

Another reason that I think it's important to look critically at the past in search of truth instead of easy assumptions, is that Autistic people suffer so much abuse today, which makes it easy to believe that this is the way things have always been, when so many of the specific abuses and prejudice that autistic people endure, like sterilization, ABA therapy, neglectful institutions, and emotionally and physically abusive residential schools, are modern inventions. All the more reason to fight to dismantle them! Assuming a bad thing has always been bad, or used to be even worse, minimizes the abuses that exist in our modern world.

There wasn't a word that existed in the medieval era that put all autistic people, with their extremely diverse traits, into one category. Prejudice against them, where it existed, would be specific to the individual. A lot of people think that unusual behaviors would have been marked as signs of possession or witchcraft and autistic people would be killed, but this is confusing the witch and occult hysteria of the Early Modern Era, with the medieval era. Churches at this time discouraged superstitions and didn't hunt witches because they didn't want to encourage belief in witchcraft.

Another thing I find troubling is how convinced some people are that adults in the medieval era were regularly killing their children or and abandoning them to die, which simply wasn't true. I'm sure some people did kill their autistic children, because people today sometimes kill their autistic children, but it wasn't endemic. It wasn't legal. It wasn't approved of by society. In a world where a woman could be put on trial for evidence that she's had a late-term miscarriage without telling anyone, do you think someone would have an easy time saying "Oh..... I misplaced my six year-old." It would be evil then as it's evil now. In the medieval era, you were responsible for taking care of your children or finding someone else who could.

A post went around a while back which spread pretty far, which said that autistic children were mistaken for "changelings" and abandoned or killed. I haven't found any evidence so far that connects changelings to autistic traits, and even if I did, most changeling "abandonings" have to do with infants, who you can't identify as autistic.

Like you, I also place a lot of importance in information, which is why I've been spending time working to combat misinformation. Through a more nuanced view of the past, we can better understand our present. Simultaneously, I also want to combat that the prejudice towards and misconceptions about autistic people, especially in my field of study (elementary education).

@ my followers, do not send this person nasty messages or interact with them in a way that is anything less than perfectly polite, I value their thoughts and contributions, especially as a autistic person speaking on the issue, and so should you!

TW ableism towards autistic people

Lol, this for daring to suggest that autistic people could have possibly existed and been loved in the medieval era? Why do y'all have so much darkness in your hearts? Why are you so reluctant to let go of the idea that every single person in every single culture in a time period spanning centuries was a heartless piece of shit that hated every single person that deviated from the norm? Do you truly think the ability to love and care for each other is something we learned in 20th century? Anyway, this is why all the misinformation on That Post made me so mad in the first place. Stop acting like kindness and community was a modern invention.

Please don't try to find the person who posted these tags or send them nasty messages, that's not the Point.

#Thank you for interacting with my post!#I truly just want to help inform people and erase both romantisized and grimdark views of the past #talk #medieval cod discourse #death mention #child death mention #infanticide mention

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eds-zebra-warrior · 3 years ago

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2021 Ehlers Danlos Society Awareness Month (Day 12 Prompt: Nurses and Doctors)

I have already covered much of this topic in previous posts so it's no secret that I have very little trust in the medical field. Of well over 200 doctors I have interacted with through both specialists, medical clinics, urgent care and hospitals there is only one that I have total trust in. Yes on and only one doctor who I trust with my life. I used to have more trust in doctors and used to have the mindset that I trust them until they give me a reason not to trust them because most kids are raised to believe that doctors and nurses are the good guys/girls I had my first experience that I remember with a medical professional at the age of five and they just kept adding up.

Layer after layer of abuse and neglect, four times being dead on their time and three times being so sick my blood pressure registered as clinically dead even though my heart continued to beat and all but one of these times I was not treated by medical personnel, once being revived by my mom in a hospital full of doctors and nurses ignoring my alarms. I have been released multiple times even up to the point of needing ICU level care with psychosomatic disorder labels slapped on me they didn't want to put the work into saving me. My uncle has died at the hands of the medical system from this disease and my mom defied the odds with only a 5% chance of survival rate and more time than I care to think about in a coma and in ICU as a result of a doctor who didn't know what he was doing and botched her surgery then both abused and neglected her for 9 hours after his mistake while trying to hide it so he wouldn’t get caught.

I don’t only have experience as a patient in the medical field but also as a nurse myself. I can't tell you how many times I heard students say they weren't going to do certain procedures because they were gross or uncomfortable like changing a colonoscopy bag acting as if the patient is gross because they have a medical condition that results in something that they believe is unpleasant or undesirable. How do they think the patient with the colostomy bag feels without their nurse making them feel gross, ugly or undesirable. I worked as an STNA where I was raped by my boss. I worked as an LPN at a long term care facility for children with severe to profound developmental delays and complex physical health conditions.

The state recommends no more than four patients be assigned to one nurse and no more than two patients to one nurse in a critical care setting. These patients were total care and at the most I was assigned 17 patients. 17 when there was only one of me and to give you an idea of what total care entities, All 17 were in diapers and needed changing every two hours, with one being on a toileting program meaning every morning she had to be put onto the toilet and strapped onto it with a harness since she had little control of her body and prone to falling off. We were to leave her on the toilet for 15 minutes or until she went to the bathroom and were not allowed to leave her room until she was done. The bathroom connected to two rooms and there were usually three kids in each room with the bathroom being between both of them so shared by six kids. We were not allowed to leave her alone on the toilet but could leave the bathroom itself if we left the door open so we could hear her so we could go into one of the rooms attached to it and change another kids diaper or change bedding but other than that we could not go any further until she was done. She was diapered the rest of the day unless you had more time to work with her later in the day so only did her toileting routine a minimum of once for morning shift and once for night shift. All children needed their bedding changed daily, they all needed a bath every day, clothes changed, hair done, teeth brushed, and some of the older guys we would shave their face if their family wanted us to. 15 of the 17 were tube fed or on TPN so I had to hook up their feeds. The other two, one ate solid food and the other was on a puree diet. They did not eat in their rooms and had to be taken to a group room with a table where we had to allow them a minimum of a half hour to eat. If they refused food we had to try to offer it for at least a half hour. One of the two needed feeding and the other was much more high functioning than the others on the unit so could feed himself, you just had to remind him to eat if he got distracted. All of them had medications, some up to six times a day. None could walk so they all needed picked up and put into their chairs and into their beds, one could craw and if we let her crawl we put knee pads on her knees so she didn't hurt her knees, one could walk using a gait trainer which is basically like a baby walker but bigger, where the strap goes between their legs so they don't have to hold their weight but can push with their feet to slide the walker. 14 of then needed turned every two hours to prevent pressure ulcers, one had a colostomy bag, one had a tracheostomy. They all needed rectal temps daily, They all had to go to the rec room and get some time on the matts daily, 14 of them had physical therapy which we were responsible for except once a week when a therapist worked with them

Therapy for 10 of them dealt with button training where a button as connected to a toy, TV, radio etc. and they had to press the button with their hand or head to get the TV to change or toy to light up or play music and what not. They did their therapy until either they pressed the button on their own ten times or a half hour had passed, whichever came first. One would get in her walker and needed us to guide her to take at least one lap around the unit in her walker, the other did the toileting program and we worked with her on using a modified form and spoon to eat herself, 6 of them did sucker therapy which essentially we would hold a sucker for them to lick in hopes to improve their swallowing skills and build up their saliva so hopefully one day they could get off the feeding tube or be less reliant on it, able to eat some puree or possibly one day solid foods. One we worked with his fine motor skills to have him pick things up but he was easy when it came to this because we could do it throughout the day so if I was changing him I could ask him to hold the clean diaper for me or a wipe or two and while I gave him a bath I could have him hold his tooth brush or comb or his deodorant so that I could combine with a lot of other routines but it helped him with both being able to grasp things and to learn to release his grasp at appropriate times.

11 of them worked on eye gaze to relay their needs so instead of just grabbing clothes and putting them on them we had to pick out at least two shirts, two pairs of pants, two pairs of socks etc. and ask them which one they wanted to work on eye gaze for them to tell us which they wanted. The highest functioning one was learning to use a power chair at the time so we had to follow him with a kill switch and joystick so we could make sure he didn’t run into anything or if we needed to turn the chair so he didn't hit the wall etc. he was also working on menu training where we could give him a picture menu for him to choose what he wanted for his next meal starting with two options for a main dish, like chicken nuggets or mac and cheese, two options for a side dish like cheese slices or apple sauce, two options for a second side like green beans or corn and two options for a dessert such as chips which were more like cheese puffs in different flavors or a cup of ice cream and eventually add more and more options Two of them were labeled as combative which I never had an issue with even once as I also majored in interpreting and learned very quickly that one was combative because he was the only one who could talk but some had trouble understanding him so he got frustrated kind of like a child in their terrible twos who is frustrated because people may not understand their speech, the other was deaf blind and no one worked with her on any kind of sign language or gesturing. As you can see, this is way way too much for one person to take care of.

Now to make things worse, I felt as if I was the only nurse who had any ethics. I felt horrible for these kids because they basically just sat them in front of a tv all day. They had an accessible playground outside which I had never once seen used because they hired so few staff that you didn't have extra time. We had four nurses on our unit which had, if I remember right 23 kids in our unit which doesn't sound too bad but we rotated days off with one weekend off a year so only three people were there at any given time. When someone took a week off we had two of us. Some went to day programs so during the week we usually had around six to 8 residents. On holidays such as the day I had 17 kids I was the only one and there. Two of them took Easter off and one already had that day already off and the boss let this happen. 6 of the kids, their parents took out day passes and took them home for Easter thankfully because I don't know what I would have done with another six kids.

This being said they didn't hire enough people so if someone from another unit called off they would take someone from another unit. The unit I worked on had the most severe children. There were other units that had the ones with moderate disabilities so could do things like brush their teeth, sit up, feed them self and just needed care like bathing, transferring them into their chairs, making sure they didn't get in trouble or fight with other kids, change their diapers or help them change their own or help them toilet themselves or care for catheters so they were a lot easier. There was another unit where most of the kids only had mild delays and basically just needed the staff to work with them on daily living skills like cooking and making sure they shut off the stove, go for walks with them to make sure they didn't get lost or walk up to strangers etc. they had another unit that was all babies two and under so though some of them had pretty advanced delays its a lot easier to pick up or change a 2 year old's diaper than it is a 19 year old's diet. Staff was an issue.

Now for lazy staff. I felt like the only one who actually worked and took a lot of the kids under my wing even if they weren't mine. When the “nurses just play cards thing” came out on tv I couldn't help but laugh because we had one nurse in charge of the most critical patient on the ward. He had no brain and only a brain stem. With a brain stem only your most basic body functions are controlled like breathing, heart rate, kidney function to produce urine and heating and cooling. You can't make pictures of images seen by your eyes so it’s pure darkness, you can't make meaning of sounds you hear so pure silence, cannot register a sense of touch or feeling, no voluntary movements etc. This being said he was hooked to monitors that were linked to a pager to alert his nurse to know if he stopped breathing or his heart stopped and you would need to rush in and do a sternum rub or sometimes CPR on him. This would happen anywhere from a few times a week to on and off all day. He literally would die over and over and over again so we had to be quick to revive him each time.

His nurse was notorious for taking off her pager and laying it in his bed, on his night stand, at one of the computer kiosks for logging, in the rec room etc. and then just going off and playing cards with another staff member. His door had a light and alarm too but it was really quiet which was a big reason the nurse had a pager. If they were busy changing another kid or something, they could yell for someone else because yelling was even louder than the door chime but she did this so much, I got to be like a new mother with a newborn baby where I could hear the ding of his light from a mile away because I knew if I didn't revive him she sure as heck wouldn't we had a room with three boys in it, an 8 year old, a 10 year old and an 11 year old. They were non verbal and there were two nurses who would run into that room and drop their pants and moon each other.

Most of the staff would skip bathing kids for sometimes days on end and just mark it on their charts that they had been bathed. This was especially so for the kids whose families lived out of state or kids who were property of the state and had little to no visitors. These kids were neglected to the fullest. Left in dirty diapers, had physical therapy skipped, were not rolled as much as they should be including one that got MRSA. If one of their family members showed up unexpectedly it would be like all hands on deck, they would call all of the nurses to their room while the receptionist lied to the parents saying they were in therapy or still in the bath or something and have two nurses yanking their clothes off throwing them in the tub to try to scrub them down one getting their clothes and changing their bedding changed, room cleaned, aids in there with mops mopping the floor and cleaning up the other kids in the room, changing their diapers, washing their faces and doing their hair, opening curtains, organizing stuff that's laying all over the place all in about ten minutes flat to try to make it look like their kid was taken care of the whole time. It was called “all men on deck” when this happened, they would even call people from other units for this so it's like we magically went from no staff to a ton of staff for ten minutes only.

The same thing happened when they got a call from the health inspectors. All blankets got pulled out of the closet because they weren't allowed in the closet with sterile items, no one was allowed to take off but they took half the staff and assigned them to cleaning, moving meds to the appropriate storage area, removing cleaning chemicals from the same area as the fluids and cartons of ensure and tube feed. They had so many violations it wasn't funny but knew exactly what needed fixed or removed before the health department and medical board visits. They had extra stuff they shoved in staff members' trunks of their car, in offices and all kinds of hiding spots then would just move it all back after they passed and it was over. I don't know why they never came unannounced. The nurse who used to leave her pager laying around didn't like me at all and would go into my kids rooms after I walked out and drop the bed rails on my kids beds to try to get me fired.

During my training they put me with a resident who was very sick. She had what they thought was the flu. She had a trach so couldn't control her cough which came right out of her tracheostomy, really bad diarrhea, a fever most of the first week I was there, the whole nine yards of being sick. Well after training I got sick but they had a one month probationary period in which you were not allowed to miss any days in that time and they said if you were sick you had to be checked out by one of the NP’s who would take your temperature and assess you to determine if you are healthy enough to work or not and only if they determined you were too sick were you allowed to take off during your probationary period. Well I got worse and worse and ended up developing pneumonia. So like her was hacking up a lung. I woke up with a temp of 103 and by the time I got to work my temp was 103.8.

I saw the NP and showed her the paperwork from urgent care where I had been diagnosed with pneumonia and stated my concern about spreading it to my kids who were all immunocompromised and high risk. The NP said I would be fine and told me to just wear a mask. I put on a mask and went to work. They gave me a ton of kids that day too, I want to say I had 12 that day so I was running around like a chicken with my head cut off, getting dizzy spells and I could feel my fever exploding. I could feel sweat running down my back and chest and kept having to wipe the sweat off from my face. I literally felt like I was going to fall over and die running around, lifting teenagers, and rushing around to try to keep up which was nearly impossible because of short staff anyhow. Well I started overheating and coughing so badly that I had to take off to a bathroom in the hall and started throwing up and was struggling to breathe from all of the mucus and feeling like my airway and sore throat was swollen up and totally full of mucus. My boss came in while I was throwing up and said “why aren't you out there doing your job. Of course I’m there in the stall hanging over the toilet with all the sound effects of my vomiting, coughing and wheezing and told her I was sorry but I have pneumonia and got too hot. She said “well you need to come out here and do your job and throw up on your own time” Yes she told me to throw up on my own time. I said what because I was throwing up and thought I misunderstood her and she said “I need you to throw up on your own time” like you can control something like that and as if they hadn’t trained me on a patient who was sick and very contagious earlier that month. She told me if I didn't get out there then she would be writing me up and if you get a writeup during your probation time you will lose your job; then she left.

About two minutes later I got to a point where I thought I may be able to make a run for the supply closet which was right across from the bathroom, ran over there and grabbed some of their mini garbage bags that go into the little feminine care product trash cans and spent the rest of the day, working and running around the corner into the patients bathrooms to throw up in the bags and throwing them into the hazmat containers. I felt terrible with my patients having to listen to me throwing up right beside them but the boss wouldn't let me go to the bathroom or go home saying I wasn't too sick to take off even throwing up about 15 more times throughout the day and so dizzy I had no idea how I didn't pass out in front of any of my kids. When I went home that day, I took my temperature and it was 105.2. And that was with taking fever reducing medication while at work. After lying down a while it went down to 104.8 and I had the next two days off thankfully but by the next morning I was in the hospital passing out over and over again, having trouble breathing and under rapid cooling protocol having cool IV fluids pumped into me, wet towels put on me, ice packs layered around me benign told by the staff that any job that makes you work when you're that sick isn't worth keeping and how they would have just walked out.

I still hadn't been there long, almost three months, when I went to the linen closet with the towels, wash cloths, chux etc. and it was totally empty except for one wash cloth so I went to the manager filling in for mine who was on maternity lead and told her the linen closet needed restocked. They never told me what to do in this situation so I didn't know if we had a number to call down to laundry for them to bring it up, had to send an aid down to bring up a cart of clean linen to restock the closet or it was our responsibility to go down and get a cart full of clean linen and stock the closet. There was no list of phone numbers by the phone or anything because I checked before I asked the manager and when I asked she was in the rec room full of children with intellectual and physical disabilities. I told her the closet needed restocked and asked if there's a number I need to call for more, if I go get it or how that works telling her no one had told me how this works when I started. She looked at me like I was a total idiot and said “I see we have another retard in here as if we don't already have enough!” right in front of those kids. Enough was enough at that point and at the end of the day I said I wasn’t coming back.

I bawled my eyes out having to leave that job because those kids became like your kids and the care they got was god awful. They deserved a lot more than lying in a bed in front of a tiny tv all day. The other nurses didn't even meet their most basic needs leaving them in overflowing diapers, I can't tell you how many mornings I walked in after second shift left to find dirty diapers laying in the kids beds including one that my residents knee was laying in because they couldn't even throw away a dirty diaper. Basic needs like personal care, rolling them and the needs to sustain life and keep them safe weren't even met but kids have many more needs than just those most basic ones.

There was a playground that was never once used. They had no volunteers or staff to take them out of their rooms for a walk, to take them to the play room and actually play with them, hold crayons in their hands and help them color or finger-paint with non toxic or edible finger paints, do things with the teens that most teens take for granted like painting their nails, reading them books, bringing around therapy animals or even having an in house therapy animal. They just left them in their beds or laying on the floor on a mattress pretty much all day and all night which isn't a way for a child to live regardless of their cognitive function. That job took everything I had to give and gave me almost a try to save the world mindset because I wanted these kids to have the lives they deserved.

There was even one of the kids labeled as combative who was deaf/blind who I really connected with who I looked into adopting. The other staff couldn't stand her, literally ripping through her hair, yanking her neck back, forcefully ripping her hands off of them, basically tossing her into her chair. Some of these nurses were physically abusive with her because she was basically just really grabby and it made them mad. I realized the actual problem is that she was Deaf/Blind and they would literally just grab her and do whatever they wanted to. She was scared. She didn't know who was grabbing her or what they were doing so would grab for the hands and face to try to figure out who had a hold of her. Everyone used to ask me why she wasn't grabby with me yet no one took my advice. I told them they had to let her know who they were and what they were doing. Let her touch their face and hands to know who was there and touch is totally normal. It was just grabbing because she would be in a panic but she would be very gentle if you took things a little slower and gave her a chance. I would go into her room and instead of just yanking her up out of bed, I would tap her on the arm or sometimes just sit down on her bed and she would feel the movement and move her hands around to try to find it so I would put my hand by one of her hands so she grabbed my fingers then move her fingers toward my face so she could find my face and feel it. A lot of the staff thought it was gross because she put her fingers in her mouth but we knew her medical break down and a little spit wasn't going to kill anyone. That's what baby wipes are for but I would let her feel my face so she knew who I was and she would calm down once she realized it was me.

If I was going to put her in her wheelchair I would tactile sign the word chair then pull her chair up to her bed and guide her hand over to it and put it on the wheels so she could feel it. If I picked her up, I would put my arms under her like I was going to pick her up but not actually lift her for about three seconds so she got used to knowing if I slid my hand behind her back and under her legs that I was about to pick her up and put her in her chair which she had already felt. If she needed a bath most of the staff threw her clothes in the bathroom and got the water going and stuff. Then yank her up and carry her in the bathroom with her having no idea what was going on. I would first put her in her chair and take her in her chair into the bathroom because once I put her in her chair and signed a bath I could get her clothes and diaper and such and sit it on her lap so she could feel them and realize that she was about to change clothes or take a bath. I would then wheel her into the bathroom and the tub had a sprayer and it was a wet room so if you got the floor wet it had a drain and didn't hurt anything. I would take her clothes from her and set them on the counter and then turn on the water to the right temperature and bring the sprayer down. If I touched her hand she would usually grab my fingers and I would pull her arm out to the side and put her hand under the water so she could feel it with her hand and knew she was going to take a bath. I put the hose in the tub basin and signed the bath again. Put my hand behind her back and under her knees again giving her a second for it to register that I was going to pick her up again, lift her and put her in the tub which was basically like lounge chair, take her clothes off starting slowly with her socks instead of a large piece of clothing that was more shocking then after taking her socks off moved to the larger pieces of clothing. When I went to spray her to get her wet I again put her hand under the water and then moved the sprayer slowly up her arm so she knew she was going to get wet, bathed her and dressed her.

If I changed her I would sign the diaper and give her the diaper to hold before taking her pants off or anything so she knew she was going to get a diaper change. Once I took off her pants, before removing her diaper I would get one baby wipe and put it in her other hand so when I took the diaper off she knew when I took the wipe away from her that she was about to feel the cool whip. If I did her hair, I would give her a comb and brush to hold and would take whatever one I needed at the time out of her hand and to make things easier, I actually taught myself how to French braid on her hair because French braiding it kept it from getting tangled and matted so combing out her hair wouldn't be so traumatic for her, especially when another staff member had her but she was really a very easy and laid back kid just very much misunderstood which is why I requested her as my permanent. I actually took the two kids on the unit that no one wanted and they were both great kids and I just don't understand how a medical facility can operate with such ignorance. So though it was hard to leave I feel like I made the best decision. When I left I called Children's Services, Our county's Department of Developmental Disabilities, The Medical Board and the Health Department hoping that even though I had to leave, the lives of those children would improve.

I have had many negative experiences with other medical workers both as a patient and as a nurse. There are so many unethical, abusive and neglectful medical personnel so I no longer live by the mindset that all medical personnel is good unless they prove otherwise, realizing just how rare good doctors, nurses and other medical personnel are to come by and now believe that they are all bad and have zero trust in them unless they can prove otherwise. It's very difficult and takes a very long time for medical personnel to gain my trust. I’ve had this trust for too many in the past who let me down so now that trust has to be gained over a long period of time. As I mentioned before, I have one doctor I have trust in and his name is Dr. Joseph. It took him almost two years to gain that trust and this is a doctor I see every two weeks so I have seen him more in two years than I see most doctors in ten years if this puts into perspective how long it takes to trust a doctor. Trust isn't something a lot of EDS patients have in the medical field but many have experiences similar to mine so it’s easy to understand why.

#MyEDSChallenge #MyHSDChallenge

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