#i can see its whole journey as a meme before my inner eye

[joridrw]

why isn't "what's in the box" from dune a bigger meme

[gojira007]

Movie Meme

Took me a bit of time, but I was tagged by @bunnikkila to list my nine favorite movies, and since I can’t help but be ridiculously verbose about that very topic, you can see them all under the cut 8D

As for who I tag?  Well, as always with the caveat that you are free to ignore if you don’t wanna, I’ll go with: @elistodragonwings @kaikaku @donnys-boy @robotnik-mun @sally-mun @fini-mun @werewolf-t33th  @cviperfan and @wildwoodmage​

and don’t worry, if you DO go for it, you don’t have to get as Extra as I did about it XD

9.) 

Look, the meme is about Favorite Movies, not necessarily the BEST Movies, OK?  And for the most part this list consists of films where that division is less meaningful in terms of how I evaluate the other movies on here.  But in this specific case, “Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Movie”, which is ultimately not all that different from the “Mystery Science Theater 3000″ TV show it spun off from and thus not particularly impressive as a work of Cinema Qua Cinema, makes the cut primarily because it’s a movie I know so well and have enjoyed so often that I can practically recite the whole thing to you by rote; I quote it all the time in my day-to-day life, I think about it often when I need a little smile, and it’s also become my favorite tool for introducing newcomers to MST3K as a whole since it was designed with a slightly broader audience in mind than the more willfully-eclectic series.  And given how much I love MST3K As A Whole, that’s an especially strong factor in its favor.

8.) 

Looky looky, @bunnikkila, we (unsurprisingly) have a pick in common!  I’m sure this is the one and only time THAT’S going to happen on this list. 8D

Y’know, nearly thirty years (and one fairly useless remake >_>) later, I think the thing that impresses me about “The Lion King” is just how much it is still able to grab me emotionally.  Some of that is unquestionably tied up with how strongly I associate this movie with my family, all of whom it became very special to as a Shared Experience.  But I also don’t know of a lot of people who haven’t had that same emotional experience with it, and that to me suggests there’s more going on here than just Nostalgia.  The mixture of Shakesperean plotting with Disney’s signature strength of Character, for one thing, granting the movie’s story an Epic Scope that never forgets the emotional inner lives of its cast.  The music for another, not only its instantly-iconic song-book but also its memorable score, armed with both Big Bombast and Gentle Sentiment.  And the unforgettably gorgeous animation, rendering every last element of its world with believable naturalism and strongly-defined personality.  All of it, together, makes for what I still personally consider the Crowning Achievement of the Disney Renaissance.

7.)

I think, if I had to name the thing I find most lacking in far too many modern Action Movies, it’s Clarity.  They all tend to lard their plots up with a bunch of unnecessary contrivances and complications in hopes of making themselves appear more clever than they actually are, and all it usually does is just dilute the impact of the whole thing.  “Mad Max: Fury Road”, by contrast, is all about Clarity.  I could sum up literally its entire plot in a paragraph if I wanted, because it is basically One Big Chase Scene from start to finish, never really deviating from that structure for more than a few minutes at a time.  And that, combined with its exceptionally well-crafted Action Sequences, means that the full weight of its visceral power hits you full force every time.  But don’t be fooled; that simplicity is not to be mistaken for shallowness.  Indeed, precisely by getting out of its own way, knowing exactly what it wants to do and why, “Fury Road” also delivers a story that is, in spite of what you might guess, genuinely subtle and smart.  Every character is immediately unforgettable and compelling because their role in the story is so well-considered and their personalities all so stark.  The world it crafts feels at once fascinatingly surreal and yet All Too Real at the same time because even its most Fantastic elements are ultimately just grotesque reflections of things the audience knows only too well.  And most of all, it tells a story with real, meaningful Themes that are deeply woven into each of its individual elements, such that the whole thing is deeply satisfying emotionally, but also piercingly Relevant in all the best, most affecting ways.

6.) 

Oh look, another pick I have in common with @bunnikkila!  This must be the last one, right?

But yeah, this is just a legitimately great movie, at every level, in every way.  Stylistically, it is one of the most radically inventive things to have ever been made in the world of Western Animated Movies, gleefully mixing together a vast array of Aesthetics and Techniques that are at once viscerally distinct and yet coherently connected, all rendered with a fantastic eye toward the world of Comic Book Visual Language that keeps finding new and extremely fun ways to play with that instantly-recognizable iconography.  For that alone, I would call it one of the greatest triumphs of 21st century animation.  But then, on top of that, the story it tells is one that is simultaneously Arch and self-aware, delivering some of the most fantastically hilarious punch-lines imaginable more than a few of which are at the expense of the very franchise it is working within...but also entirely earnest, sincere, and emotionally affecting.  It is, at once, a movie that manages to be about The Idea Of Spider-Man in its totality while also being about just one kid coming to grips with who he is, what he can do, and what his life can be.  I don’t know that I can remember the last time a movie so immediately and unmistakably marked itself as an Enduring Masterpiece, but “Into the Spider-Verse” absolutely pulled it off.

5.)

Ordinarily, I would cheat and give this slot to the “Lord of the Rings” trilogy in its totality.  But somehow, the fact that this is about “FAVORITE” movies instead of just what we think the BEST one is compels me to narrow it down to just one.  And if I had to pick just one, it would be the first of the three, “Fellowship of the Ring”.  It’s not necessarily anything that the other two movies get wrong, either.  All three of the LotR movies possess many of its keenest strengths, after all.  For a starter, there’s the keen understanding of how best to adapt the source material without being enslaved to it; capturing many of its most iconic moments while cleverly tweaking elements to make them more cinematic, knowing what scenes to focus on for the sake of more clearly focusing the emotional through-lines of the story, and knowing what scenes, no matter how good on the page, ultimately don’t fit to the shape the adaptation has taken.  There’s also its pitch-perfect casting, each and every actor doing a fantastic job of embodying the characters so well that even as your personal vision of them from the books may differ radically from what is on-screen, they nonetheless end up feeling Right for the part and a strong, compelling presence.  And there’s the deft visual hand of director Peter Jackson, who knows exactly how to craft a Middle Earth that feels at once lived-in and real but also Fantastic and magical.  “Fellowship”, for me at least, thus wins out mostly because it has the good luck of being adapted from the strongest of the three books, the point at which the narrative is at its most unified and thus has the strongest overall momentum.  But also because so few movies have so swept me away with the sense of stepping into a world I have always dreamed of in my mind’s eye, and that’s the sort of thing that can only happen at the beginning of a journey.

4.) 

Now here’s a movie that is literally sown in to my very being.  It’s the last movie my mother saw in theaters before becoming a Mom.  I grew up watching the “Real Ghostbusters” cartoon all the time and playing with the attendant toys; I had a “Ghostbusters” Birthday Party when I was, like, four years old.  It has been my annual Halloween Tradition to get myself a big Cheese Pizza and watch this movie for about as long as I’ve had disposable income to myself.  There is, quite literally, no point in my life where I don’t remember “Ghostbusters” being a fixture in it.  And as a nice bonus?  It is, legitimately, a Genuinely Great Movie.  I realize that isn’t quite as universally agreed upon these days as it was even a few years ago (thanks, Literally The Worst Kind Of Virulently Misogynist Assholes lD; ), but I still feel pretty confident in saying this one really is That Good.  I still find basically every one of its jokes hilarious; even now I could quote just about any one of them and get a laugh.  I still find its central premise, What If Exorcism Was A Blue-Collar Business, a brilliant, almost subversively clever one that takes The Supernatural out of the realm of The Unknowable and into a world where even you, an ordinary person off the street, can in fact fight back against it.  I still think it’s one of the all-time great examples of how to balance Tone in this sort of High Concept Genre Bender, by allowing The Story to be played relatively straight while allowing the comedy to flow naturally from the characters’ reactions to that story, allowing its Ghostly aspects to land as Genuinely Scary (or at least Worth Taking Seriously) without getting too Stern and Serious about it.  And I still listen to that unforgettable Title Song all the time!  So yeah, even if I could be more objective about it, “Ghostbusters” would almost certainly make this cut.      

3.) 

And so we come to the third and last pick I have in common with @bunnikkila, not coincidentally a movie that played a key role in solidifying our friendship, as bonding over our shared love of it was a big part of how we got to know each other on deviantART waaaay back in the day <3

By 2008, I really didn’t think it was possible for a movie or comic or TV show to really become “part” of me anymore, the way things like Sonic the Hedgehog or Marvel Super Heroes or Some Other Movie Character Who Might Be At The Top Of This List had.  And then “WALL-E” came along and proved that to be completely, utterly wrong.  I didn’t just love this movie, I was inspired by it, to a degree of strength and consistency that I’m still not entirely sure has yet been matched.  And to be sure, some of that is undoubtedly because the movie had already basically won the war before I’d even bought my ticket; Adorable Robots In Love is something like My Platonic Storytelling Ideal, after all.  But even setting that aside, “WALL-E” is a movie where even now I can’t help but be keenly aware, and gently awed, at the beauty of its craft; indeed, watching this movie in a theater did a lot to make me better understand why movies work on us the way they do, because I left that theater chewing so much on every last one of its elements.  Its gorgeous animation, the way it conveys Character through Actions more so than language, the dream-like quality of its musical score (even as i type this i get teary thinking about certain motifs), the clear and meaningful way it builds its theme and story together so harmoniously, and the particular perspective it takes on our relationships with each other, with our environments, and with our own technology...all of it speaks to me deeply and profoundly, and it’s no coincidence that I have seen this movie more times in theaters than any other on this list (twelve times, for the record, and I still remember each and every time XD).

2.) 

This one needs no personal qualifications, to my mind.  Yes, I have some degree of nostalgic attachment to it for having seen it relatively young with my brothers and being deeply moved by it then, but it’s not at all like the kind of Nostalgia I have for “The Lion King”.  “Princess Mononoke” is just flat-out, full-stop a complete Masterpiece, not just my personal pick for one of the single-best animated films ever made, but one of the best films period.  It’s almost difficult for me to put into words how great this movie is, certainly in a way that hasn’t been repeated to death by thousands of other smarter people, because no one of its elements quite answers the question of why it is so great, to my mind.  Yes, the animation is absolutely gorgeous with a design sensibility that brings Ancient Mythology to life so vividly that its influence can still be felt today (The Forest Spirit alone has been homaged all over the place).  And yes, the music is hauntingly beautiful, at once capturing the gentle rhythm of nature but also the elegiac tone of Life Moving On.  And yes, the story is an incredible mixture of the Broad Mythic Strokes of an Ancient Legend grounded in all too human Emotions and Ideas about the balance of nature, the full meaning and cost of Warfare, and perhaps most important of all, about how we determine Right and Wrong when everyone involved in a conflict is fighting simply for the right to survive.  But all of those things add up together to something even greater than a simple sum, because each one isn’t just good in its own right but because each element so perfectly reinforces the other.  And even having said all that?  I really could just carry on singing this movie’s praises.  Just...an absolute masterpiece, top to bottom.

1.) 

I don’t imagine any of you are terribly surprised at this, right?  I almost feel like it’d be redundant to explain my love for this movie, given how self-obvious I imagine it is to basically everyone who knows me Literally At All.  But heck, I’ve rambled on this long, why not go all the way?  Because the thing of it is, “Gojira” (to be clear, the original Japanese movie from 1954 rather than its American edit, “Godzilla: King of the Monsters” from 1956) doesn’t just top the list by being a Great Movie.  Though to be clear, it really is.  Flawless?  No; there’s a reliance on puppetry that even for the time can be a bit chintzier than the movie can really afford, in particular.  But brilliant, even so, a heart-wrenching example of Science Fiction Storytelling As Allegory, one that, in a rarity not just for its own genre but indeed for many movies in general, very meaningfully lingers on its deepest, darkest implications.  Many a film critic has pointed it out, and it remains true: the stark black-and-white photography heightens the sense of Implacable Horror at the core of the story, and the way the central Melodrama, a tragic love triangle that carries with it many aspects of Class Conflict and Personal Desire VS. The Collective Good, ties back into the main story is truly beautiful in its elegance and emotional impact.  Still, for me personally, it tops the list, now and always, because it is a movie that affirmed something for me, that the character I had fallen in love with as a child convincing his family to watch a monster movie with him on television to prove his seven-year-old bravery, really was as genuinely as powerful and meaningful a figure as I had always imagined him to be. 

[noonaficcorner]

Monday to FUNday

Pairing:  RM | V | Yoongi | Jin X Reader

Theme: Smutty One Shot

Rating: Smut, Fluff

Warning: Slight dominance, masturbation, language, Voyeurism

Word Count: 4K+

Summary: Week in and week out, same stuff at your boring job. That is until you get the surprise of a lifetime in four special customers at your high-end shop. Can you help them out or will they end up helping you?

A/N: My second story! Yay! This was kind of a request. I didn’t mean for it to get so long but here it is. Been a while since I wrote something smutty, so be kind!

Mondays were the bane of your existence. Tuesdays were the second cousin of the devil. Wednesdays were a nightmare. Thursdays were the biggest tease on the planet. And Fridays… were your favorite day of the whole week. Every other Friday was the day your boss decided she needed a ‘mental health’ day. For you, that meant that the boutique was run by solely you and also a day when you didn’t have the wicked witch of Brooklyn on her broom flying around bugging you.

It was another witchless Friday and the shop was barely filled with customers. Being a personal dresser and assistant manager of a high-end boutique in New York sounded like the best job in the world. But in reality, you were bored most of the time when your clients weren’t scheduled. You found yourself scrolling through twitter and tumblr, liking memes and posting gifs to pass the time. The store doorbell almost stopped you from reblogging another post about Game of Thrones, but you just reached over and buzzed whoever it was in.

“Welcome to Eternal Saints, have a blessed browsing day.” Not even lifting your head from your computer, you greeted the person with a bored tone. Whoever they were had made it to your counter and waited for eye contact from you. It was going to be one of those kinds of customers. Switching the tab on your computer and slipping off the stool, you looked up and froze. Maybe because you were so lost in your own world of smut and memes, the sound of at least four sets of footsteps sounded as one. It was hard to control your facial expression as you stared at the creature that stood before you. Could you be stuck in a daydream or was this real life where not one, not two, not even three, but four members of the biggest boy group on the planet were standing in your shop?

“Ha-hi…hilow?” Words were hard when your brain was basically a Netflix hold screen. Are you still watching? Yes Netflix, I’m always still watching!

The chuckle that floated from his lips was rich and you felt it deep in the pit of your chest cavity.

“Hi.  Sorry to come in like this, but we’re in need of some outfits for an unexpected event. Is it possible you could help us out?” Another man came from behind the gorgeous blond. You assumed it was his manager. All you could do is nod as you came from behind the counter to assess the situation at hand.

Four out of seven members of BTS were in your shop with two bodyguards and a manager. This wasn’t the first time you had encountered celebrities, but this was the first time you got starstruck. What your boss and co-workers didn’t know is that you were a little of a secret fangirl. Dabbling in the world of hot guys and even hotter songs. So this moment, it was like an out of body experience.

V or Taehyung was standing by the accessory wall with Jin. Suga or Yoongi was trying on a hat in the corner and Kim Namjoon, a.k.a RM a.k.a the leader of BTS and some of your own fantasies was standing in front of you, trying not to laugh.

“Sure. It’s just me here today but I can help you in any way.” You muttered as you grabbed your portfolio and keys to the dressing rooms. It was obvious that your comment could be taken in not a very professional way, and it seemed that Namjoon had picked up on it and covered up his laugh with a cough. You tried not to wish for the floor to open up and swallow you into the depths of hell at that very moment.

Sensing that something was about to happen, both Taehyung and Jin left their spots to come greet you.

“My name is Y/N and I’ll be assisting you guys today. To make sure you find something you’re comfortable and happy with, I’ll have to take all of your measurements. We can step into the dressing area for privacy.” If you tried to think of them as any old clients, maybe your heart rate wouldn’t go 95 miles per minute.

The four of them gathered around you as their manager nodded and went to take phone calls in the front of the store and their guard did his guarding by the door. Turning around, you asked them to follow you into the back of the shop.

The dressing area was a large round room. In the middle, there were couches and podiums for measuring and tailoring. Individual rooms lined the walls for private dressing. Think Victoria Secret’s older and more bougie sister, and that was Eternal Saints.

“Can I go first?” Jin volunteered and jumped on the podium. Your bias for BTS was ever changing and you had a soft spot for each seven of them. As he stood there, you tried to control your breathing and shaky hand while you pulled out your measuring tape. You were about to go where every fangirl only dreamed of going.

“Stand still please…” you whispered as your hand went to measure his inseam. You were just inches away from his crotch and you could feel the sweat start to form at your brow. The room started to melt away and the only focus was Jin. It was so quiet in the room, you could only hear the breathing of the four men and the thumping of your own heart.

Kneeling in front of him on the podium, you left his inner thigh and went to wrap the tape around his waist. The boldness in you made you dare to look up and that’s when your eyes met with the deep pools of his. He shot you a wink and you thought your head was going to combust. Your fingers slipped and grazed his hip and the smirk that came on his lips made your fingers tremble. This was not going as you planned. Quickly standing, you came to do his chest and because of your heels, you almost reached his height, just shy a few inches.

“You’re really good at this.” He whispered when you mentally jogged down his stats. The blush traveled over your cheeks and took place down your neck. You watched as his eyes traveled its journey and landed lower, onto your chest. It seemed as if both of you stopped breathing but it was when your knees started to buckle and your ass was about to hit the ground, his arm shot out to catch you.

What you weren’t expecting was three other sets of hands to be on your body as well, making sure you didn’t break your neck. Or so you hoped.

“You okay?” The concern came from Yoongi. You weren’t expecting to hear anything from him. But all of them helped you down and you tried to shoo them off.

“I’m fine. It happens more than you think. It’s alright. I need to finish you all up.” Again, your words coming in the form of innuendos and all of you ended up laughing. Easing some of the tension in the room.

The rest of the measuring went off without any trouble. But each time you had to get close to any of them, the temperature in the room seemed to rise, and maybe it was your imagination, but there were times when their hands would graze against yours. Chest bumps, holding on to your arms and sliding down to your hands. Small touches that felt huge in the current situation.

Once you were finished, you basically ran around the shop grabbing items left and right to try. Coming back with your arms filled with things to put in each of their changing rooms.

“Okay, I’ve paired up things according to your sizes and personal preferences. If you could just go and try them on, we can see what we’re working with.” With that, they all listened to you and once the doors closed, you took a breath and fell against the couch. You were going to die young and they would be listed as the cause of death on your certificate.

“Y/N?” Taehyung’s blue-colored head popped out the door and you immediately jumped up.

“Yes? Everything okay?” You rushed over, hoping that you didn’t get him something terrible.

“Um, could you help me for a second?” He asked with the sweetest smile. You almost fell into a heap on the floor before his request registered in your brain. He wanted me inside? Inside the room?!

Looking around, all the other doors were closed and their manager was still busy in the main part of the store. You really shouldn’t be walking in there but would this chance ever come back around? Probably not. With that thought, the door closed behind you and there was nothing between you and a shirtless Taehyung, dressed only in a pair of low hung jeans.

His chest on display in front of your eyes. This was something that wasn’t shown often, but when it was, you were quick to save it to your phone. Fan pictures and gifs were your only source material, until now. You found yourself mesmerized by the smoothness and the definition. That is until it was taken from your view by his closeness.

Your head was still tilted down when his fingers came and lifted your chin to look at him. Taehyung’s touch felt as if his fingers were dipped in lava. His thumb and forefinger pinched your chin and he turned your head to the side so he could whisper in your ear.

“You’re probably one of the most attractive women I’ve ever laid eyes on. Like…” his breath brushed against your ear and the feeling traveled through your veins and settled in the pit of your stomach.

“…I couldn’t stop looking at you.” With his free hand, he grabbed yours and placed it on his chest. The little devil on your shoulder wanted you to rub all over and dip below those jeans. The angel was being strangled by the devil and had no words of reason. So your fingers danced along his pecs.

“We shouldn’t be doing this.” You whispered while his lips rubbed against your jaw.

“Doing what? I haven’t done anything… yet.” That ‘yet’ held so much weight, you wanted to scream. Your eyes started to flutter shut as his lips inched closer to the corners of yours. Every cell in your body was at war with you. Should you kiss, should you run away, are you wearing cute panties today? These were the thoughts ping-ponging in your head.

“Y/N.” Just as Taehyung’s lips were about to descend upon yours, your name came from beyond the door. A low growl escaped from him and your eyes shot open. His forehead fell against yours and you wanted the moment to be frozen in time. Kim Taehyung had you pressed against the door and the last thing you wanted to do was leave. The way his hand ghosted down your side and squeezed at your hip, you could tell he didn’t want to let you leave either.

Unfortunately, he let go of your hip and opened the door for you. Allowing you to stumble out, he mouthed ‘Come back´ before shutting the door.

What the fuck just happened?!

“Y/N” your name was being called from another changing room. This time from across the room. No head was out like before but you could tell which one it was. After what just happened with Taehyung, your body moved more on autopilot than anything. Before you knew it, you were in Min Yoongi’s changing room. He was sitting on the small bench inside, and luckily he was fully dressed.

“Were you busy? I’m sorry, but I think these pants won’t work. Look how they drag when I’m sitting.” Yoongi pointed to the base of the jeans and they were indeed on the floor but they were also meant to be rolled above the ankle.

Immediately you dropped to your knees to fix the problem for this shorty.

“They’re long but that can be avoided. This style has an exaggerated cuff and they look better when wearing high tops.” You sat back on your heels and showed him how they’re supposed to be. Obviously, after what just happened, you didn’t think you’d be in another changing room with a member but here you were, on your knees and Min Yoongi looking at your with a hunger in his eyes.

“Do you make it a habit to be on your knees often? This is the second time you’re in this position in front of me and we’ve only just met.” His comment was bold and unforgiving. Your pulse was picking up or perhaps it never happened to slow down. A response was lost in your thoughts, but he wasn’t wrong. You tried to remember when you were on your knees but then it clicked that he was referring to taking his initial measurements.

Instead of waiting for an answer, his stare was calculating. It was as if he was trying to see how far he could take this line of conversation. Apparently, it was going to infinity and beyond. One moment you were staring blankly at him, and the next, he was standing above you removing the pants.

“Abort! Abort!” the voice in your head was screaming, but as his black briefs came into view, your mouth went dry and your thighs clenched. He was obviously aroused and you could relate. The cute panties you thought you were wearing, were becoming damp and you were positive that he knew.

Once the pants were completely off, he looked down at you with lustful eyes as you were level with his crotch.

“I think I’ll take them.” Was he talking about the pants or something else? You could tell he wanted to go further, and so did you, but just as his fingers wove into your hair to bring you closer, your name was called once again. A groan left your lips and he chuckled.

“Make sure you come back.” He said. His thumb dragged across your bottom lip and the bold side of you wanted to suck on it. Due to the fact this was the first time ever in your life you had four crazy handsome guys flirting with you, your hormones were a bit all over the place. Instead of sucking on his thumb, your tongue just swiped against it and that deep rumble came from his chest again.

“Go. Leave before I don’t let you leave.” His words were dark but filled with promise. Min Yoongi was a man you did not play games with. And if you did, be ready for the punishment that would follow.

Stumbling from the door and almost falling face first into the ground, once again you were left alone in the room. Now the fear was starting to course its way through your veins. Your name was obviously being called by someone else, but the last two times you entered one of their rooms, you were left a needy mess. Was the third time a charm?

The door to Namjoon’s room was cracked and you assumed it was him that called you away from Yoongi. Easing your way over, it was hard to keep your hands from shaking. There wasn’t a fear of him, but more fear of the unknown. Peeking in, you saw that he was fully dressed in the outfit you had chosen for him. Navy slacks, simple white button down and slightly embellished jacket to match. It was a sexy outfit and really complimented his silver, pushed back hairstyle.

“You called me?” at the sound of your voice, he turned from the mirror. His hands on his hips allowed you to see that he had left the button down completely open. Your jaw went slack and your instincts brought you fully into the small room, the door shut behind your back. Eyes glued to his little happy trail on display.

“Yeah, I’m not sure this is going to work.” He sighed and his stare was intense. He did not look pleased.

What was he talking about? He looked like sex personified. If your wildest fantasies came to life, they would be Kim Namjoon standing in front of you wearing that outfit.

Flustered, you started looking around at the other pieces that you brought, moving around to pick them up and find a good combo that would look equally as well on him. However, the moment you got close to him, you froze. There was a hand on your hip as you were bent over picking up a thrown shirt.

“Y/N, I’m not talking about the clothes.” Namjoon’s voice was still stern but the anger you assumed was there, was replaced with something else. Joining his other, both hands took your hips into his possession and his fingers started to flex. You tried to stand up but before you could, you were roughly pulled flush against him. Well hello! Ass, meet dick. A very hard and noticeable one at that.

You were ass to pelvis with Namjoon and because his grip was so hard, you couldn’t move. That is until he pulled you back and instantly became a little spoon in his arms.

“I know you were in their rooms. I can’t even blame them because… damn. It took all my willpower not to mark you when you were measuring me before.” His words were going on a dangerous journey along with his hands. One left your hip and traveled across your lower stomach. The moment the button of your jeans were snapped open, you couldn’t breathe. What was air when he was playing you this way?

“It’s not often we end up liking the same girl, but I really want to throw my hat into the ring. Or… my hand into…” Oh, his hand. That hand that writes beautiful music, was making its way past the band of your panties and inching further south. You were tense with anticipation and his lips coming to pepper kisses along your neck didn’t help. Your head started to roll back against his shoulder and you felt your thighs start to spread. Cursing the fact that you wore jeans today, you didn’t want anything to come in the way of what was hopefully about to happen.

“Can I touch you, Y/N? I’m not even there yet and I can tell you’re so hot and wet. I wonder how tight you’d be.”  He groaned into your ear. His finger dipped lower and ran the length of your slit. The moan that erupted from your lips was louder than you had hoped, but there was no way you could keep quiet.

“Did I make you this wet or did the others? Be honest.” Namjoon lightly slapped the outside of your pussy to end his statement. The level of arousal was growing to heights you’ve only given yourself.

With his free hand, he pulled your jeans down past your hips, allowing his busy hand more room to play with you. Once the top cleared your ass cheeks, the hand went under your shirt to palm your neglected breasts. When his fingers grazed against your nipples, you realized how tight they actually were. This was the most stimulation they had received since your last breast exam, six months ago.

With a sudden pinch to your clit, you gasped louder and you covered your mouth to stop the following moan.

“I said be honest. By that, I mean answer my question, Y/N. In full detail.” He went back to playing back and forth along your slit.

“All of you. You’ve all flirted and touched me in ways I haven’t been touched in a long time. Oh god, just keep touching me.” You moaned and spread wider to feel more of his talented fingers. It felt like you were losing your sanity with the slow build up. At that point, you just wanted to get off. It didn’t matter who did it. Fuck, you were so far gone, you played with the idea of dropping to the floor and fingering your damn self.

Your answer must have been one he was pleased with because you were rewarded greatly. A pinch to your needy nipple and fingers finding their destination inside of you. Namjoon angled your face to him and he swallowed your moans with his mouth.

Tears threatened to spill down your cheeks but all that happened was his fingers becoming coated by you. His thumb settled on your clit as one finger quickly joined by a second and third pumped into you. Your hips ground against his and you felt how this was affecting him. That just brought on another wave of wetness.

The kiss was sloppy but the hunger was there. It felt as if he was devouring you whole. Between his tongue battling for dominance and his fingers playing you as if you were an instrument in his studio; you were gone.

The kiss broke but his lips just attached to your neck instead. Licks turned into bites which morphed to sucking of your skin. You were nearing the edge of no return and Namjoon was going to push you right over. Your eyes were starting to close but shot open when he pinched your nipple roughly.

“Keep them open. Look at what I’m doing to you.” You had forgotten about the full-length mirror in the room. For the first time since this started, you’ve seen your appearance. If it wasn’t you having this, you’d think you were watching some porno. Your shirt was lifted above your breasts and the bra pulled down for his access. Watching as his fingers thrusting between your thighs was the most erotic experience of your life. You weren’t even exposed because of your panties, but knowing it was his fingers inside of you, edging you closer to your release, was almost too much to handle.

“I’m so… close…” you labored, trying to hold on to the little ounce of control you had left.

His chuckle was deep and muffled by his lips against your neck. “Just let go. Come apart in my hands.”

The defiant streak in you wanted this to keep going. It felt like hours since he had touched you. Since Jin’s stolen touches, Taehyung’s almost kisses, Yoongi’s promise of dominance. But it was Namjoon who had you a sweaty mess in the palm of his hands. However, it was that fleeting thought that his bandmates were still in the vicinity. That they could probably hear Namjoon’s fingers working in and out of your wetness, the moans that seemed to float high above you both.

You wanted to know what they were thinking if they were just as aroused as the two of you in that now steamy room. Just knowing, that little bit of voyeurism, had you coming apart in his hands. Legs shaking, your hands clawing at his arms as you searched for his lips to drown out your screams of pure ecstasy. It felt as if you went harder and higher than any climax you’ve ever reached in your adult life.

And the comedown was even sweeter. Once the aftershocks eased, Namjoon turned you around and started to fix your clothes. You were basically a ragdoll in his arms, incapable of doing anything. Once your pants and shirt were back to its original state, he littered you with kisses. Kissing the marks he left on your neck, your lips and even your eyes. It felt sweeter than anything you’d expect from a random hookup with a celebrity.

“I think I’ll keep this suit. It seems to be a lucky charm.” He joked and walked you out of the room. Your mind was still a pile of what the fuck when you stopped dead in your tracks, Namjoon running into your back.

You assumed that the others had an idea of what was happening in that room. What you didn’t expect was them to be seated in the open area, as if they were waiting for you. Their looks ranged from jealousy, arousal, to mischief.

Instead of separating from you, Namjoon’s arm wrapped around your hip and he pulled you close. You ping-ponged between his face and the others. Did you apologize? It wasn’t actually your fault, or was it?

“If you were going to pull the leader card, you could have given us a heads up. I was this close, ya know.” Taehyung held his fingers a small distance from each other. Yoongi leaned over and slapped him in the chest.

“If anyone was the closest, it was me. Had Y/N on her knees for me.” He shot you a wink and the blush returned tenfold. Namjoon pulled you tighter against him and he just rolled his eyes.

“Whatever. We lost and he won. Can we go, I picked my outfit.” Jin sat sulking in the corner of the couch. You felt kinda bad about the whole situation. But this is something you would have never dreamed of. These four men were sexually attracted to you but you didn’t want to become the next Yoko Ono and come between them.

That was when the dirtiest, wildest, idea popped into your head. They would never. Would they?

“Well, my shift is basically over when you guys finish. If you’re game, we can see who really comes out on top out of the four of you.” Smirking and watching each of their faces register shock, you wondered if they would even go for what you were implying.

Jin, Yoongi, Namjoon, and Taehyung all shared a look, replied in unison and you knew you weren’t getting any sleep tonight.

“We’re game!”

[artificialqueens]

Mother, My New Girlfriend is a Ghost, Again 3 (Katlaska) - Jem

AN: I’m back, midterms are over, and I have a sideblog now @ artificialjem . Get into it. Thanks all of you who asked for more, ily

Summary: an orgasm a day keeps the doctor away

Chapter 3

Move to America—->Find a place to live——->Get a job——->Make Friends——>Find a rich spouse to buy nice things.

That had originally been Katya’s well-thought-out plan for her life. Instead, it had been more like:

Move to America——->Make a friend by dumpster outside their place of employment——>Crash on said friend’s couch——–>fall into crippling depression—–>Move into an apartment——->Fuck a ghost——->Get a job as a sexy receptionist

Maybe it was all done in the wrong order but she was checking off the things on her original list in a more, unconventional manner. She had friends (two that she never saw anymore), she had a place to live (haunted, but a minor inconvenience), a girlfriend (not rich, not a spouse, oh yeah and not alive), and finally she’d applied at the optometrist’s office one street over and she got to wear sexy, business woman clothes even though all she did was answer the phone and make lists.

Despite the fact that Katya was probably mentally unstable for dating a not-real person, her life was kind of on track? She even went to the gym a couple times so she could stop doing yoga and gymnastics in the living room. She didn’t really like the big, buff men staring at her while she did squats but she supposed it must have meant her ass was getting finer by the day. She’d tried to get Alaska to join her on her fitness journey but the lanky girl had protested strongly.

“I’m dead, there’s literally zero reason to exercise. I don’t think I’m going to change my body in the slightest.” She’d explained with the vocal fry that had made its way into Katya’s heart.

Katya still couldn’t wrap her head around what Alaska could and could not do. Like, she could breathe and eat and sleep, but didn’t need to; she could move and have a physical body but moving and existing didn’t make her tired. But Katya wasn’t an expert and didn’t have any other ghosts to consult so she just let it all slide. Besides, she’d watched Alaska attempt a push up once and it had been pathetic honestly. Her arms looked like they had a bit of muscle but they were about as useful as sticks of dried spaghetti. That would be a no to a gym companion, then.

They still spent a lot of time together, even with Katya working and working out.

“What do you mean you’ve never seen Contact?” Katya asked Alaska in disbelief one evening.

“Is there something I’m missing, like has this movie been a meme or something that I don’t know about?”

“No, it’s just iconic.”

“You’re the one who hasn’t ever seen the Golden Girls”

“Sue me, I’m Russian.”

“And yet you’ve seen some random alien movie.”

“It’s not a random alien movie, it’s Jodie Foster discovering extraterrestrial life in a compelling science fiction drama.”

“Sometimes it confuses me that you have picked up on literally zero American social cues and yet you become obsessed with very specific strange things.”

“Can we watch it??”

“Fine.”

They started the film, but watching tv always turned into making out, which quickly enough turned into Alaska eating Katya out on the couch because she was a relentless sex fiend. She supposed the girl must get bored sitting around the apartment all day and had a lot of pent up sexual frustration.

Katya could hardly complain. An orgasm (or two or three) a day kept the doctor away, right? That tongue could make her fall apart so hard and fast.

Alaska was usually very in control, but damn, she was a kinky bitch. It was a wonderful power reversal for Katya to order her around.

“Take off your skirt and panties, slowly, one at a time.” Katya whispered in her ear. Alaska stripped, eyes hungry.

“I’ll tell you what I’d like to do to you.” Katya listed off a variety of activities and watched Alaska squirm as she refused to touch her more than gentle kisses along her collarbone. The girl reached her hands to touch herself, but Katya grabbed them to stop her. “You don’t touch yourself or me until I say so.”

Alaska whimpered, and Katya pushed her shirt up over her head and off her body so she was standing completely naked. Katya was still clothed, other than the panties that had been tossed out from under her skirt earlier.

She led Alaska to the bedroom, because for some reason they always had sex on the couch when there was a perfectly good bed right there. She pushed the girl onto the fluffy sheets and straddled her waist with her legs, careful not to make actual contact. She continued to press her lips along her throat, still avoiding too much stimulation. Alaska bucked her hips in an attempt to meet Katya, but Katya gently pushed her down on the stomach.

“What did I say?” Katya asked in a raspy voice.

“Not to touch you until you say so.” Alaska parroted, biting her lip and obviously desperate.

“That’s right.” Katya carefully rolled off the bed, reaching for the drawer in the bedside table. The perk of being a working woman was having a little cash to do some online shopping. When she got back to the bed she ordered Alaska to put her hands above her head.

“I’m not going to restrain you but you will keep your hands there, right?”

Alaska nodded, but at this point Katya was pretty sure she’d agree to anything just to be touched.

Katya clicked on the vibrator she’d just bought and watched Alaska’s eyes widen at the sensation on her inner thigh. Katya moved her hand in a circle, still careful not to get too close to between Alaska’s legs. She pushed her knees open a little further and drew closer and closer.

“Fuck, Katya.” Alaska gasped, and she was practically dripping already. Katya took her time before finally spreading her lips and placing the device on her clit. It added a whole new layer to their routine of mouths and hands. It didn’t take long before she was coming on top of Katya’s fingers and her handy new toy.

Needless to say, that was an online purchase worth the extra shipping.

——–

“Alaska?” Katya asked. It was the middle of the night, and her and Alaska were cuddled up in bed.

“Yeah?” Alaska responded, obviously awake.

“What is it like when you shift out?”

“Oh.” Alaska seemed surprised, like she never expected questions about her condition. Fair enough, she probably liked to pretend she was normal. Despite that, she still explained. “I guess it’s like, I’m here but my physical body is gone. And my consciousness kind of floats unless I really focus. Like, I’m aware of everything going on but the passage of time is meaningless and it all blurs together. “

“That sounds terrifying.”

“It kind of is. When I’m out, I’m trapped, and then it really feels like being a ghost. Sometimes there are flashes from when I was alive, or even current memories. Everything in my head is just magnified.”

“Have you been shifting lately?” It had been on Katya’s mind. She’d never gotten home from work or woken up without Alaska here anymore.

“Barely. Like I said, I don’t have much control over it most of the time. I think I could choose to shift out, but it’s not easy to shift in. Lately, I’ve mostly been here. Maybe with an hour or two every few days out.”

“I’m glad you’ve been here.” Katya whispered and pressed a kiss onto Alaska’s shoulder.

————

When Katya awoke, Alaska was getting dressed. She’d pulled on a blouse and a skirt, but the god-awful sweater she’d first appeared in was slung across her arm.

“Don’t you want to throw that thing out, it’s stained and you’re the one that says my clothes are gross.” Katya said jokingly from her position on the bed.

“I might need it.” Alaska said vaguely, fingering the worn fabric.

“For what? You don’t get cold, do you?” At least Katya didn’t think she did. Alaska never complained about the temperature and the apartment was always either too hot or too cold.

“It was Sharon’s.” Alaska admitted like her walls had been cracked. It was just a hoodie.

Katya didn’t really know how to reply to that.

“Do you know why you haven’t moved on?” She asked out of the blue, except somehow right on topic.

“No.” Alaska was closed off again.

Katya could tell that was as much as she was going to get from the conversation, so she let it go. She wasn’t sure she really wanted to know, anyways.

——–

Trixie was tired. Her boss had been overly demanding, her coworkers were annoying, and she needed to take some time for herself. So she pulled out her phone a shot off a text to Katya.

Do you want to go out dancing tonight?

A few seconds later she got a reply.

Sorry, me and Alaska are hanging out tonight

Of course they were. Trixie was happy that Katya had finally found someone, she really was. The woman spent way too much time inside alone, and since she’d gotten together with Alaska, Trixie could tell she was much happier. It’s just that she was never around anymore. Granted, Katya had been barely present before, but she didn’t even see Trixie or Tatianna occasionally now. Never mind that, the slut was probably busy getting fingerbanged by her new girlfriend and Trixie didn’t need her.

Have fun ;) She typed back before heading out alone. It was just going to be for a couple of hours so she could dance away the stress eating at her.

So a couple hours turned into four. People kept buying her drinks, and she was having a good time even though she was alone. She let the music just fill her up and erase everything that had been bothering her lately.

Later in the night, Trixie went to the bathroom, careful to finish her drink before leaving the bar. When she opened the door, there was a girl with long, voluminous black hair and injection-plump lips sitting on the bathroom floor. She looked very out of it, and Trixie helped the girl to her feet.

“Thanks.” The stranger slurred as she stood. She was absolutely wasted and Trixie needed to support her weight to keep her from tumbling back to her spot on the floor. “Anyone ever told you that you look like Barbie?” The girl remarked, barely meeting her eye.

“All the time.” It was the blonde hair and admittedly doll-like makeup. Trixie really didn’t mind though, Barbie had always been her childhood idol. “Do you need help getting home?” She asked the girl, trying not to encourage her to speak too much.

“Home? What does that even mean?”

Oh no. She was obviously an emotional drunk. Trixie thought it would probably be best to get out before the tears started, but the stranger continued.

“I had a home, a small little apartment in the complex on the corner of Marlborough and Haringway, 519, and it was tiny but I had her and that’s all I needed. Well, her and the drinking and the drugs.”

“I think you’re really drunk, and you probably shouldn’t be telling me any of this.” Trixie tried to get the woman not to divulge her entire personal life. She’d probably regret it in the morning.

“No Barbie, I trust you. I’m Sharon, by the way.”

“I’m Trixie.” She reluctantly offered.

“I’m not gonna remember that, Barbie.” Sharon paused. “Can I bum a cig?”

“Sorry, I don’t-

“I shouldn’t smoke anyways. Alaska always wanted me to stop smoking. It was pretty hypo, hypocriti, you know what I mean, because she didn’t smoke but she still ended up dead.”

Fuck, this girl was messed up. Trixie was a little out of her depth.

“Is there anyone I can call for you, Sharon?”

“No, Alaska’s dead. It’s been a year to the day since I found her strewn out on the bathroom floor. She was beautiful, but not like in the movies. There was vomit on the hoodie I lent her but her hair was all shiny and blonde still. You know, it’s funny because I dumped her but she left me.”

“Can I call you an uber? Are you gonna be ok?” At this point Trixie was a bit worried and wanted to make sure this girl got home safely.

“I’m always ok.” She leaned her head against Trixie’s chest. “You know, for a plastic girl you’re pretty soft.”

It might have been sweet if she hadn’t thrown up all over Trixie’s shoes seconds later.

She called an uber and managed to load the wasted girl into the car. She stayed with her until they reached Sharon’s apartment and when girl fumbled with her keys Trixie took them from her and opened the door. The apartment was a bit of a dump, but not un-liveable. So much for the “what even is a home?” comments earlier. This was a fine place to live. The girl was just upset,Trixie could understand that. The one-year anniversary of a girlfriend’s death was probably enough of an excuse for anyone to get piss drunk. At least she didn’t seem high, so Trixie wasn’t too worried.

It was only once she had brought Sharon home and tucked her into her apartment safely that Trixie realized that Sharon had said she used to live in apartment 519 in Katya’s building. That was Katya’s apartment. And what a coincidence that her dead girlfriend had been named Alaska just like Katya’s new lover.

Maybe Trixie was a little bit more drunk and delusional than she’d previously thought because suddenly, despite all logical reasoning, those things didn’t seem like much of a coincidence.

[hales-bellls]

Touch Base

Figured I'd do a check in with my grief work in hopes that someone in a similar set of circumstances can benefit from it.

Back story: I was widowed last July, I turn 30 in a few weeks and I'm on a journey of learning how to do this "self-love" crap.

Immediately post-accident, I was kept busy with all the "final affairs". Phone calls, paperwork, trips to the DMV, bank, city hall; notarize this, copy that, mail this, review that. After a few months, things started to settle. There wasn't much left on the to-do list, work started to level out again; but we all know what happens when the quiet sets in. I tried dating again, what a joke that was. You think I was ready for vulnerability? Ha. So off to therapy I went. Nothing like the death of a spouse and being a nurse in a pandemic to set the tone for a first appointment.

First few sessions were just information sharing. I thought myself an average emotional nutcase but I assumed she'd need the big picture in order to help me dig into my BS. I started to see a theme come out of me as the sessions went on. I'm sure it's something common, but the weight of it kind of slapped me in the face. I just want to be happy but I have no idea what that means.  I thought by the time I turn 30 I'd have a few things under my belt, one of them being knowing what I want and how to go after them. To find out after all this time just how clueless I am at what makes me happy is extremely disappointing. Nonetheless, I've decided on a path for my next phase of life. Lord knows I've got my work cut out for me.

Step 1: Evaluate the situation.

As every research study or quality improvement project starts, one has to assess where they're currently at. In my eyes, I have a cool job, an amazing set of family and friends, a decent house and 3 doggos that keep said house full of love. I'm set. Sure. I've got this.  I'mmmmmm happy. Yup. Happy. Sure, the recent loss of my spouse is painting everything in shades of gray, but I have all the things in my life to be okay. So why am I not okay? Therapy helped connect some dots. Happiness isn't a checklist. Happiness isn't a country you move to and set up shop. Life is a winding road up a mountain side with potholes where you're trying to drive with a muddy windshield and your wipers are old and falling apart. Happiness is what happens when you switch out the wipers and clean the windshield, get heavy duty tires for the potholes and enjoy the view off the mountain side. Happiness is the habits you do on a daily basis and the mindset you nurture through all the difficult times you face.  

So far in my winding road of life, I've been purely reactionary. If I give people everything they could ever want, then they'd love me and I'd be happy.  However, all this did was lead me into unhealthy relationships with broken people who just want someone on their team. I'd give all of myself to the "team" thinking they would appreciate my sacrifice and reciprocate. Hello codependent, thy name is yours truly. I was always left the only person on that team. For my next chapter of life, I can't better myself without acknowledging the truth of my past relationships. I have to heal my wounds, develop healthier views of love and become whole myself before I can be with someone else. I owe it to my future relationships to be the best me I can be. However, in order to do that, I have to switch from being reactive to proactive. And what a habit to break when you've had 30 years of practice.  I thought if I did all the things I'm supposed to do, I'll be happy. I was a good girl in high school. I went to college and got a degree. I bought a big house. I was reactive to society's checklist of "Things to Get to Be Happy".  So why is it not working? Let's flip back to my original statement of "Happiness is a mindset and your daily habits."

My job is a lot. A lot physically, a lot emotionally. It's heavy, it's dark, it's not everyone's cup of tea. I'm a trauma ICU nurse at a major Midwest hospital. If you're obliterated in a car wreck, lit up by a Glock, or elderly on a ladder trying to clean out your gutters; there's a good chance you woke up in my unit to my lovely face.  My job is to take care of people in their worst nightmare.  However, my job is inspirational. I work alongside some the strongest people I'll ever meet. They're people who are always in search of bettering our care, wanting the best for our patients, and always striving for new ways to save lives. I learn new things every day, I'm challenged and I'm tried and I'm certainly never bored. I get daily reminders of how important it is to value the time we have.  There's no place else I'd rather be.  Happiness is a mindset that you have to nurture daily, so I started practicing.  I practiced at my place of employment, but I also found the urge to practice at my place of rest.

My house was one of the first things I tackled post-accident. I'm sure it was my spirit trying to protect me against the tsunami of grief that was heading my way but I had this huge surge of energy in the weeks following his death. Sunrise to sunset I was either scrubbing, sorting, painting, shopping, reorganizing, trashing; the list goes on. I painted walls bright colors, I hung pictures that made me laugh, I threw away stuff that sat in boxes since we moved in a few years ago. I couldn't stop. I noticed something though. I felt…peace.  I felt joy even. Whenever I enter my bedroom to the bright yellow wall behind my bed, I can't help but smile whenever I see it. When I see the renaissance paintings of my three pups, my Star Wars art in my living room, or my quirky plants in my window sills, I feel joy.  I never understood the value of home décor, I thought it was frivolous and a waste of money.  For the first time in a long time however, my house was my haven. It was easier to find the desire to clean because I was motivated to maintain the sanctuary I built. I felt joy putting in the work of the daily house scrub because it was mine. I felt joy knowing my house is where my family can gather on holidays and where people can crash when they need an escape.  It's something I've built for myself, and a first major step in cultivating the happiness I've been seeking my whole life thus far.

Step 2: Nixing the Nay's.

So, you've evaluated your situation. Time to get rid of what's no longer serving you. Seems simple right? Just take out the trash, no biggie. I'm not just talking about stuff though. There's a meme going around that says something like, "If it doesn't bring me joy, money, or orgasms; I want nothing to do with it." It usually gives everyone a superficial chuckle, but think about it. How much stuff do we carry around with us in our day to day life just because it's uncomfortable to change? Jobs, relationships, thoughts, feelings, habits; everyone at some point has held on to these way past their expiration date because its uncomfortable to change them.  For me, it was my thoughts. I've struggled forever with negative self-talk because I thought it was normal. I thought those thoughts were part of being a human being. I didn't know it could be different. Therapy swoops in again, showing me that inner monologues are actually reactionary habits that we learned as a child and that with active attention paid to them, one can change the darkness the thoughts bring.  It still seems unbelievable how I've been given the power to change something that seems so engrained in my DNA. This definitely has become a spiritual mountain to climb. These thoughts have to go, though. They're holding me back from being my most fabulous self, and I deserve better. SO DO YOU. Nix the nays, no matter what form they take.  

Step 3: Nourish the Yay's.

So, this one was confusing for me. It's easy to acknowledge what makes you feel uncomfortable. Uncomfortable is a very clear feeling, it's very distinguishable from a resting state. Joy, however, can take many forms. Of course, joy is clear when you're on a beach with a margarita. It's clear when you're with people you love, when you're laughing, etc. I'm talking about the daily habit of joy though. Doing the dishes doesn't bring joy. Going to the DMV doesn't bring joy. Having dog drool land on your face as your alarm clock at 0500 does not bring joy. So someone like me, someone currently in a low part of life, finds herself scratching her head at this whole joy concept. I always filed it away under "do the hard stuff now, then you'll get a margarita on the beach in a few years. That'll top me off for another few years of suffering." This can't be it though. Life can't be army-crawling through fields of glass and lemon juice in hopes of making it to an all-inclusive once every few years. I had some work to do.

I had done some of the work already through reorganizing/decorating my house post-accident. The yellow in my master bedroom, the renaissance paintings of my dogs both make me laugh aloud with joy whenever I see them. This spills over into my daily life too, giving me the rule while I'm shopping that if it doesn't make me feel like the yellow wall or the dog paintings, it ain't worth having it (thank you, Marie Kondo). Overall, making one's house a place of peace and spiritual harmony is a good place to start in finding daily joy.

Another thing that brings me joy I've discovered in the recent years has been cultivating a green thumb. At the beginning of lockdown, I got my first plant; a Fiddle-Leaf Fig I named Janet. She was a few inches tall and after some research, I learned she's going to be quite high-maintenance. However, with society closed down for the foreseeable future, what else was I going to do with my time? So here we went, finding the right window, working out the right watering schedule etc. When I woke up one morning and found a little green leaf sprouting off her stalk, it was like Christmas. Something so silly made me feel so proud. I made a living thing feel like they could grow, and I needed more of that. Some people do heroin, I do plants. A high is a high is a high, eh? Janet is now as tall as me in a pot on the floor with leaves as big as my dog. I've got a whole wall of windows in my dining room full of different plants with different routines, all with new growth and new rushes for me to enjoy. I've even started planting things outside.  Sure, plants aren't for everyone. The point is that you have to try new things. If they make you feel like that little leaf made me feel, you have to keep doing it. If that little leaf didn't have me doing cartwheels, I'm sure the motivation would have gone right out the window and Janet would have been laid to rest in my trash can after some time.

Probably one of the most earth-shattering discoveries I've found is one I thought I'd never do.  Fitness was not something cherished in my house growing up. I was a naturally thin lass who wasn't into sports, so I didn't have a need to maintain a frame on the daily anyway. Once I hit 25 and discovered existential dread, the gut started to rear its ugly head. I played it off for a few years, tried the whole "body positivity" thing but it was a ploy. I could blame it on the accident, sure, but my weight gain was from something much deeper than that. I just wasn't "woke" enough to see it yet.  In this same timeline, my best friend gets engaged and starts "sweating for the wedding". Being that I'm a regular at her and her fiancé's dinner table, I often got the "you should totally go to this gym with us!" After several months of eye rolls and lame excuses, I caved. I figured if I just go once, they'll leave me alone about it. Something strange happened though. After the workout I felt…good?  I felt motivated? I went home and did several chores my depression had been putting off? And I did them to…music? What? Who am I? What is this? Why did Britney Spears leave us? I digress. In the name of joy research, I had to try this workout thing again to make sure it wasn't a fluke. It wasn't. I started going twice a week, and I found myself dancing and slaying my to-do list after every session.  I found myself sleeping better. I found myself saying, "I should probably start going more days throughout the week so I can be more productive."  Even in therapy, I found myself struggling to find things to share with my therapist because overall, I felt better. It wasn't until a family member I was sharing this all with dug deep and asked me what I think is different this time. In my 29 years, I had tried several gyms with all different set ups, all of them lastin the one "free-trial" session then I was able to talk myself out of needing to continue so I could get back on my couch.  So, what was different this time?  Therapy once again put on its cape and responded to my bat signal.  I was given the tools to see the problem for what it was: weight gain was a symptom, not the problem.  It was a symptom among many others like it of how I felt about myself.  I got in a habit over the years of putting myself at the bottom of my priority list. There was always a person, place or situation that was more worthy of my attention/energy.  Now that I'm in a place in my life where I can/want to focus on myself, I can see just how poorly I was doing so.  I think the motivation to go to the gym is different this time because I changed the goal the gym was helping me achieve. Before, the gym was always discouraging because everyone else there was in shape, knew what they were doing, had matching fancy workout clothes etc. I always felt out of place or like I was being judged. The gym I'm going to now has people of all shapes and sizes, the staff's goal is to just get you in the door and they are so motivated to make you succeed all while loving you along the way. Most importantly, I was going to the gym because of how it made me FEEL afterwards. I wasn't going to get thin, squat "X" amount of lbs, or find my next beau; I was going so afterwards I could bask in my glory and endorphins. The performance pressure was gone and it completely changed the game. I stumbled upon a "Yay" and I nourished it.

I know I still have a long way to go in my spiritual journey. I hope that what I'm doing can give others in similar circumstances some direction, insight, and/or hope to better and brighter things. It's always better knowing you're not alone. Take care of yourself. Go to therapy if you can. Most importantly, start where you are. Find your right "window" and "watering routine" and watch the new leaf grow on your stalk. You deserve it.

[deceitxingenue-archive]

MUSE AESTHETICS:   STURM UND DRANG  —  LEARNING TO ROCK.    bold what applies to your muse, italic what applies in certain arcs or verses. feel free to also only use partial sentences.

wandering somewhere between darkness and light    ᜵   between dream and reality   ᜵   i watch the last light of life fade away   ᜵   time will destroy me so slowly   ᜵   i’ll never again see the light  ᜵   broken for ever and ever   ᜵   never again will the sun rise on this sky   ᜵   my wings of steel, like a dry autumn leaf   ᜵   forces i sought to, control now my friend   ᜵   like the abyssal fires it burns in my eyes   ᜵   now in my mind is but hatred and death   ᜵   it matters no more for my destiny’s set   ᜵   as i lay floating inside of my mind’s corners, it comes to me   ᜵   darkness, it falls when you least would foresee it   ᜵   oh, think again what you think is for real   ᜵   maybe in silence the happiness is   ᜵   took us in our darkest hour, brought us down with it   ᜵   trapped in an eclipse of sense   ᜵   all with freedom in our minds, yet we were its slaves   ᜵   found such peace, still it was a constant war   ᜵   there’s no point, no journey’s end, not going anywhere   ᜵   just found ourselves under the spell   ᜵   all with vengeance in our minds, yet no one there to blame   ᜵   destination there but no roads to take   ᜵   like a child, with no troubles in mind   ᜵   young and wild   ᜵   not a thing that i feared   ᜵   now winter’s here   ᜵   in this darkness i look up and long for my freedom   ᜵   out of the ashes i’m rising anew   ᜵   drowning my sorrow and pain   ᜵   just like the wind and the stars will never die, forever i’ll stay here this way   ᜵   we were one: my shadow, my fear, and me   ᜵   i was done, without a reason to be   ᜵   i broke free from the chains of the past   ᜵   lost in darkness like a shadow   ᜵   always searching for tomorrow yet to come   ᜵   never thought i’d see again   ᜵   see the light shine upon me   ᜵   can’t you see me coming, coming for you, coming there to take you from the light   ᜵   i was haunted   ᜵   now i broke free from the spell   ᜵   it’s your time now to live the nightmare all through    ᜵   can’t you hear me calling, calling for you, baby   ᜵   you better take on to the night   ᜵   i’m the rising son   ᜵   forests wrecked and cut   ᜵   he’s got no home, no lonely hut   ᜵   he’s forced to fly and fly   ᜵   shut your eyes, don’t kill your dreams   ᜵   fly through the clouds above   ᜵   nothing is no longer what it seems    ᜵   turn all your anger to love   ᜵   a lonely wolf was chased down there by people scared and poor   ᜵   he cannot share his life no more   ᜵   fly down, raven, to your friend   ᜵   leave destruction far behind   ᜵   fly and run until the end and finally easy your minds   ᜵   fly away like the raven   ᜵   he was running free across the plains   ᜵   now he’s doomed to die   ᜵   it’s all just one big lie   ᜵   one day in a place without time, without space   ᜵   i can look back and see that i am finally whole   ᜵   dying to undo the moment when all fell apart   ᜵   trying to fade out what’s real, it’s not for a life   ᜵   one brief moment brought agony, black, in my heart   ᜵   no life for me, no way out   ᜵   i’m next in line   ᜵   in this life i’ll never find peace   ᜵   digging my own grave, i’m shot down in flames   ᜵   you were my guardian angel, you saved me all times   ᜵   but anges will fall burning   ᜵   all candels have burnt out   ᜵   there is one way to escape but worse things will await   ᜵   i let him take me   ᜵   eternity will pay my price   ᜵   that’s what i hope but i don’t believe anymore   ᜵   my wounds won’t heal   ᜵   i’ll bleed ‘til the death of my soul   ᜵   sitting here trying to cut off all the things you say   ᜵   don’t wanna listen to you yell   ᜵   all your words are like poison, tainting my very soul   ᜵   trying like crazy to change me, everything i am   ᜵   having a fight with my inner demons   ᜵   i’m better off on my own   ᜵   looking over a million pieces of my once called life   ᜵   shattered in infity, cut out by own knife   ᜵   the rain is coming, storm clouds are gathering above   ᜵   i know it’s time for me to go   ᜵   i fly away, i am leaving this kingdom of lies   ᜵   through the storm, passing hell, all for my kingdom come   ᜵   all for a life one day   ᜵   if only i could take you with me   ᜵   the past holds you enslaved   ᜵   i have to let go of it or it will tear me apart   ᜵   came to us when darkness had fallen, took us up from where we were crawling, said that we would find what we sought for   ᜵   now we’re trapped in an endless war   ᜵   promises were made out of lies   ᜵   anguish, fear, and dread in our minds   ᜵   we are mortals   ᜵   but you’ll never take our souls away   ᜵   you’ll never take our hearts away   ᜵   sanity was lost into madness   ᜵   blinded by the promise of our hopes   ᜵   we couldn’t see that hell is what we chose   ᜵   destruction you have brought before our eyes will one day be upon your kind   ᜵   do you remember those days of old times?   ᜵   the days were so golden and all shining bright   ᜵   now those days are gone   ᜵   now i’m all alone   ᜵   the sun was so shining but rain came one day   ᜵   the dark came so fast and it’s here to stay   ᜵   now this is my life, in this cold emptiness   ᜵   take me away   ᜵   take me back to when life was liveable   ᜵   i can’t stay in this hell   ᜵   oh, miseria   ᜵   do you remember that day when all died?   ᜵   i’d give my everything just for its change   ᜵   but this is the end   ᜵   i can’t stand all this pain.

TAGGED BY: Taken from a meme blog  TAGGING: @voiicxless