#i can see his goofy ass having a lisp

[manicplank]

I head cannon PizzaHead with a slight lisp,

like instead of Fuck it's Thuck and instead of What The Hell its Thwat The hell

This out the worst image in my head of Pizzahead talking like Hank Hill

"I tell you hwat-"

[phantomrose96]

Prometheus

content warnings: horror. body horror. ghost show can have a little existential horror, as a treat! :)

...

Tucker and Danny sat as silhouettes in the Foley attic rec-room.

The ghoulish light of the television pinned their shadows against the back wall, pulsing in and out like fireflies at each flash of the screen. It left their backs drenched in darkness, and it made monoliths of the old furniture and piled-high boxes that wrapped the perimeter of the attic. Drafty air whistled through the gaps in the insulation. Plicks and flicks of moths beat in tone against the light of the television where the seal of the attic window failed to keep them out. Danny hounded the controller in his hands, clackering with each frenetic beat of his thumb while he mashed his buttons and leaned his full bodyweight into the assault he wrought, virtually until--

“BOOM!! Headshot!” Danny yelled with a pump of his fist. From his nonexistent peripheral vision, he could not see the way Tucker would not look at him.

“Come on, man,” Tucker said.

“Get it?” Danny asked.

“Dude, come on, like… Maybe don’t.”

Danny let out a disappointed huff of air from his nostril, spirits dampened. The wayward glow of his eye settled back on the screen: Victory blazoned across his split of the screen. You Died pulsed on Tucker’s. Danny mashed the rematch option. “Maybe get good then,” Danny said, “and then you get to make the bad puns.”

“Sorry man look I’m just—tired okay?”

“Yeah I know—”

“You can be goofy about it tomorrow—”

“I know—”

“I promise it’ll be hilarious then just—”

“Okay okay, I get it. I’ll save the jokes—”

“How much longer?”

“Hmm?”

Danny looked, and Tucker was looking now too, and it was taking all concentrated will on Tucker’s face to keep looking.

“How much longer until you’re like… You know.”

4am chimed from the grandfather clock stowed in the Foley attic. The ghostly sheen of the television splashed bright and pallid across the right side of Tucker’s face, as he stared at Danny. And it splashed bright across the left side of Danny’s face, which was the only side of Danny’s face remaining.

“I don’t know like… maybe 3 more hours, I think?” A lisp whistled from the absent flesh of his jawbone.

Tucker watched his lips. And his eyes drifted to the shadow carved dark and empty in the socket that could no longer see him, a merciful concealment of where skin turned to raw exposed flesh turned to bone.

Tucker looked forward again, and he mashed his thumbs into his own controller. Danny’s character’s skull exploded into a cloud of meat-rain before Danny had the chance to notice the match resume.

“Fine. I can do 3 more hours,” Tucker said. “And start watching your head.”

…

It wasn’t until the camping trip 4 months ago that Danny knew anything was strange.

It was a yearly Fenton tradition, which Danny tolerated and Jazz dreaded, to haul the four of them and the RV out into some swampy campground 3 hours from home. They’d roll in roaring, RV stuffed to the brim with wilderness equipment and enough mechanical monstrosities to scare away all actual wildlife. All except for the fish, who had the disadvantage of not seeing the mechanical affront to God parked with questionable legality on the campgrounds.

This year, Danny had decided he was embracing it. Because for the first time, sitting grubby and wet in the mud for 3 days sounded much nicer than his typical weekend plans, which was mainly getting his ass kicked by ghosts. He’d flagged down Valerie a week ahead of time to tell her, between gunshots, that he’d be absent for those 3 days. Valerie had taken equal offence at the request that she pick up Phantom’s slack, and the implication that she wasn’t already doing that.

But it meant the ghosts were covered for the weekend, and it meant Danny was free to do nothing more exciting than sit in the mud, which was all well and good enough for Danny. Although his hopes of leaving the weekend with the same number of scars he started with were dashed by hour 5. It was his own fault too. Jack had insisted Danny gut the fish Jack caught via a blast of the Fenton Disintegrator to the lake (unconventional, not even a fishing device, a ghost weapon he and Maddie were fine-tuning. A ranger came and yelled at them about it.) And while distracted by his parents getting told off for being menaces, Danny miscalculated the slipperiness of both fish and knife.

Luckily the RV was, among many many things, a hospital on wheels, and Jazz had quit sulking long enough to take a morbid fascination in cleaning Danny’s palm out with antiseptic that burned like acid and bandaging up his palm. For dinner that night, Danny ate his open-flame grilled fish with a little more prejudice than usual.

By Saturday, his hand hadn’t healed. Nor by Sunday. And on Sunday evening while Maddie and Jack busied themselves with packing up the tent they’d both invented and yet struggled to collapse back into its box, Danny flagged Jazz with quiet urgency.

“I think there’s something wrong with my hand.”

“Wrong how?”

“Infected, maybe.”

Jazz knit her brow in concern. “It looked fine this morning,” she muttered as she pulled Danny down onto the stump beside her and flipped open the First Aid kit latch. She unraveled Danny’s bandage layer by layer, and the concerned knit to her brow loosened to confusion.

“It looks fine. It’s barely even red.”

Danny snatched his hand back. “Yeah, and it’s barely healed at all.”

“I mean, it’s healed a little bit.”

“Yeah but. Barely.”

“It looks pretty normal.”

“Jazz my day-job is getting whacked with ghost machetes,” Danny said, tone growing a little tense at Jazz’s lack of concern. “I know how quickly cuts are supposed to heal.”

“And how quickly is that?”

“I mean. It depends. But like a day.”

“A day?”

“Or maybe 25 hours, I guess.”

“Danny, you cut yourself pretty deep.”

“26 hours max, literally.”

Jazz was staring. Danny felt awkwardly judged.

“Hey um, as a question Danny, do you remember the last injury you got before your ghost powers?”

Danny hesitated. He racked his brain and some part of him felt a little embarrassed how hard he had to search, as if it were shameful to have been so delicately uninjured before this whole thing.

“…Dash, maybe. But Dash it good at the kind of quick jabby punches that hit your nerve but don’t bruise.”

“Anything else?”

Danny fell quiet. Then brightened. “I fell off my bike last year. Racing Tucker. Scraped up my shin and knee.”

“And how long did that take to heal?”

The delight faded a bit. Danny thinned his lips thinking. “…Maybe a while.”

“Probably a few weeks.”

“Jeez, really? No.” Danny said. And he so deeply wanted to be offended, because he’d become the biggest expert in the family on getting his skin used as a ghost shrapnel canvas, which should make him the authority on injury healing. And Jazz was doubting all of that. “No. That’d heal in like. A day.”

“Maybe with ghost powers,” Jazz answered. “Maybe in ghost form. Which, currently and for the last 3 days, you have not been in.”

Danny fell quiet. He considered this information that deeply annoyed him until, with grudgingness edging to acceptance, he looked at his hand, and then his sister, and then his hand.

“….Oh.”

That night, home and showered and with the clock creeping toward 1am, Danny sat on his bed. He pooled his hands in his lap, lit by the moonlight pouring through his bedroom window. He sat an inch above his bed, in fact, hair shimmery white and his right glove removed. In the wash of moonlight he watched his palm. And there was something haunting, almost, in the way he could see the edges of the cut stitch themselves back together bit by tiniest bit. He lost himself in a grainy infomercial on his television, and when it ended, his cut was gone.

…

Phantom returned to the ghost fighting scene with an unwarranted new confidence. In truth nothing had changed. But Danny operated now with the knowledge that he was a particular kind of resilient that he’d not actually realized before. And while he did not like getting fileted by Skulker’s ghost gut-hook knife, or seared by Ember’s flame guitar, or bonked in the head by Fenton Bolas (Dad why), there was a certain delight in the “This will all not be a problem by tomorrow”-ness of it all.

Even better, he now knew that just idling in ghost mode for an extra hour or two was all it took to be right as rain again. (“This is making your Gameboy addiction worse than Tucker’s,” Sam had commented. “Well how else am I supposed to pass the time?” Danny asked while mashing buttons with one less finger than usual. “You could read a book.”)

On the flipside, it did make Danny grouchier about mid-school-day attacks, which didn’t afford him the luxury of floating around to bake in ghost mode for an hour or two watching bad tv. And unless Mr. Lancer got real chill real fast with Danny Phantom taking Danny Fenton’s English tests, it meant that any school-time fight injury had to be dealt with conventional human-style, and super-healed after school.

And Danny carried this knowledge with more bitterness than usual one fall afternoon when a fight with Technus had already gouged into the first 15 minutes of his math test, and now Danny was going to have to suck it up for the last 45 minutes if he wanted to pass geometry this quarter. Which was bullshit because that last blast Technus got on him had really fucking hurt.

Danny landed, and in his math-induced funk, he missed the particular wide-eyed way Sam and Tucker stared at him. “Here,” Danny said, handing off the thermos to Tucker, and Danny let his human transformation slip through in rings around his sternum.

“Danny stop,” Sam said, and with an urgent breathlessness that froze Danny in place. “Do not turn back.”

Confusion seeped into Danny’s blood. He let the transformation rings fade away, and he felt the thermos heavy in his outstretched hand that Tucker would not take. Heavy and wet. Heavy, and very very wet.

He looked at his hand, and his white glove was unrecognizable beneath the saturation of red. The thermos dropped from his hand, and suddenly Danny wasn’t so sure which direction was up.

“Sit,” Sam maybe said, or said something like it. Her hands were on his shoulders. He was easing in a direction that was probably down. His butt hit cold pavement. And suddenly he raked in a shuddering breath which was wet as mud.

Sam was pulling away the top of his suit, which was the worst possible place for her to do that considering how much it hurt. She was pulling right where Technus had blasted him, and Danny had half a mind to tell her off until he saw what was underneath the fabric.

“That’s not good,” he bubbled out through a lot of blood in his mouth and throat.

Baseball-sized. Like someone had taken a very large hole-puncher right to his sternum. A very good hole-puncher because it had in fact punched him straight through and run off with the little cut-out it stole. Globby flesh spilled to fill in some of the empty space. But a solid chunk of sternum, and heart, and lung, and spine, were rudely elsewhere.

Danny was in a very slippery wet dream, and his fluttering eyes agreed.

“No,” Sam said with an unnecessarily aggressive pinch of his skin. “Absolutely do not fall asleep.”

“Ow,” Danny said, maybe about the pinch but also his missing organs.

This wasn’t good enough for Sam who was a little bit ghost-shaded herself while she grabbed both Danny’s ears tight and angled Danny’s eyes to hers. “If you turn human now that’s going to be very very bad. You’re fine, Danny. You’re just in shock, I think. Focus on me. Come on, count with me Danny. 1. 2.”

“Isn’t counting sheep supposed to put you to sleep?” Danny quipped, but all the blood gurgling maybe ruined his delivery a little.

…

His heart sewed itself back together in 20 minutes. His esophagus and trachea kindly followed at the 27-minute mark, the last of the tubage knitting itself together and forming the correct kind of air-seal against anything else in his chest cavity. That was a blessing, because passing the time was easier when he could talk without re-enacting the elevator from The Shining – a joke Danny had tried to deliver several times and which refused to land.

And while he still did not have his new spine vertebrae nor sternum by the 30-minute mark, Danny could see the way the last of the white fear had left Sam’s face and the way Tucker could now face him directly. And that told him that however he looked, he no longer looked like someone who was going to die.

By the 1-hour mark, Danny sat drenched in his own blood from a fatal wound that no longer existed. And he’d missed his math test.

…

Super healing was cool. Very cool. What other kind of power lets you just walk away from fatal injuries?

At the close of a ghost fight, thermos capped, swimming in the eerie silence of a street cleared of screams, Danny stood. And he shivered. He ran his hands up and down his stomach, his chest, his back his face, pressing any pain-point to discover if his fingers would sink in wet and deep. Was it safe to transform back? If he made a mistake, would he notice fast enough? Would he be able to turn back again in time?

Alone in the snow of the Amity golf course. The roof of the mall. The back archives of the library. Danny lingered. Many places were good for lingering, and so Danny would linger, wherever and whenever he could. It made that held-breath feeling of transforming back easier, to know no part of him was at risk of undoing him.

And sometimes his hand did come away sticky. And in the black of night Danny went home, mindful to step only on the kitchen tile from which blood could be wiped up cleanly. And he was tired from too many nights of this when he pulled cereal from the cupboard and splashed milk into a bowl and cleared away the nuts and bolts from the half-undressed Fenton Disintegrator (undergoing v2 upgrades) and flickered the noxious glow of the muted television to life while his liver stitched itself back together. The tremble would not quite leave his cereal spoon hand but he’d manage.

One night Walker had blasted off half of Danny’s skull. And he lay shaking hunched on the pavement willing himself to overcome the pangs of shock radiating through his body until he had enough composure to call Tucker on the phone and ask if he could come over, if they could play Man vs. Zombie maybe, and stay awake through the night while his brain matter remade itself.

One night he had to grab Valerie by the ankle before she flew off, and she probably only heeded him because the break in Phantom’s superhero bravado unnerved her so much. “Please just stay and talk to me. Something bad will happen if I fall asleep,” he said, while holding the parts that used to be his stomach. “Define ‘bad.’” “I’ll die.” “Sounds like a human.” She shouldn’t have taken pity on him. But she did. Maybe because she was a human who would die like Danny if left on the pavement with her stomach open. Valerie stayed until the sun rose.

And he was lucky, because as a human he should have died. And Danny didn’t. He just came close, more and more and more. Until the sight of a raised ghost weapon forced a very human flinch from him.

…

“…losing an edge, you’d say, Craig?” “Not exactly. As a psychiatrist who’s worked with many veterans and active-duty soldiers, it’s common to—”

“Morning,” Jack said, flipping up his welding mask just long enough to nod to Danny before re-busying himself in his soldering.

“Dad, do you think maybe you could do that in the lab?” Jazz asked over a bowl of cornflakes, with a tone one might use when asking a 10-year-old to move his basketball game outside.

“Hmm, why? The table won’t catch fire.”

“Which is what you said last time,” Jazz said, carefully plucking up a cooled bit of metal scrap from beside her cereal bowl.

“…ffered many fatal injuries on camera, who knows how many weren’t capt—”

The television drowned beneath the screech of Jack’s welding, let up to breathe for moments at a time before Jack resumed the drowning. Danny’s eyes followed. The refurbished Fenton Disintegrator had nearly reformed, bigger than its original body, with a gaping fish-mouth twice the radius of the thing which had blasted up the fish in the campground lake.

“I just think, Dad, that you and Mom have a whooooole laboratory basement to yourselves, and I have just this one dining table to eat cereal at, so—”

“But then you kids would miss out on what I’m making. See, Danny’s interested. Danny, watch this—”

Jack hoisted the monster up. He hitched it atop his shoulder, and set his eye behind its sight, and twisted at the hip to point its open maw directly at Danny.

Danny froze.

“Dad, Jesus, at least show some trigger-discipline if you’re—Danny?”

Danny could not move. He could not move or really see. The shockwave rippled through him, and he believed for the moment that surely he’d been shot until Jazz shook him. “Danny, are you okay?”

Danny’s heart was intact but still it squeezed like it had been ripped. His legs were whole but they were numb beneath him. And he was useless too. Over what? Over nothing. Over a gun pointed at him, the sort which had been pointed at him 4,000 times before.

“…Danny?” Jazz asked, more worried than before. Jack had put down the gun, and he was staring at Danny in the same way.

And it was stupid. So very stupid. Because Danny had super-healing, and a hit from something like that would heal. It could rip him apart, and he’d be completely fine.

So it was all actually incredibly incredibly stupid that he was somehow, without even meaning to, crying.

…

The fight had ended three hours ago. And three hours was longer than only the worst of his injuries took to heal. Tonight had not been bad at all, just a bit of ripping and tearing at his leg from a bear-trap Skulker had laid (despite Skulker insisting he did not know what a bear was). And that had healed up in 20 minutes flat.

Danny lingered anyway, sitting soaking cold in the snow on the golf course. He liked that it was high-up here. He liked that the lights fanned far and wide. He liked that the razed-flat golf turf allowed nothing to hide. He wiled away the hours he ought to be sleeping, because there was a security in consciousness, in his ghost form. If he slept, he could be killed. And if he sat resting in ghost form on the crest of the golf course hill, he could not.

But he could nod off. Catching his head at each dip. But his mind fizzled and faded, rubbing against the staticky edge of sleep, enough to perhaps not notice steps in the snowfall that tracked him to where he sat.

The whir of the charging gun kicked him to high alert.

All alert, all at once, so suddenly adrenaline soaked that Danny had no sense of orientation when he spun on spot and his eyes drank in the sight of the barrel-mouth breathing to life in his direction.

“Told you I fixed the calibration on this, Honey.”

“Well at least it’s not a fish.”

Stop, Danny wanted to say. But he was paralyzed. He was dread. He was stone.

It screeched. And it roared. And with a connection of a car crash, it took greedily for itself a gibbous moon of Danny’s torso.

He collapsed. Eyes spinning. Ears ringing. Sensation like fire and like ice and like buzzing static and nothing, feeling, at all to connect to his legs.

Stop, Danny wanted to say. But he needed a mouth for that. So the second blast connected.

…

It had been an amount of time. Jack and Maddie Fenton may have stooped in the snow and collected samples to study. Danny could not know, because he’d need eyes to know. They may have crunched with their boots and mused about the resilience of ecto-flesh, more resilient than fish-flesh. Danny could not know, because he’d need ears to know. They may have picked him up piece-meal and carried him in their pockets. Danny could not know. Not without touch.

He may have been on the golf course. He may not have been. There was no ‘where’ Danny could know. He needed his proprioception for that.

There was was. There was something Danny hoped was be. This was, Danny hoped, awake. This was the only awake he could be without a brain. And if this was awake, how long could he last? And if this was awake, was it enough to heal again?

Super healing was cool. It saved you from death. But maybe not always.

Was time passing…? Was the snow cold. Was the wind blowing. Was the hilltop white under pooling lights. Was it. And did it. And was he and did he.

Was time passing?

Surely, it had been just an eternity, by now. An eternity at least.

Or had it been only one second.

Or Danny wasn’t here.

He was, though. He had to exist to feel what he felt in the moment. He had to exist even if he was deprived of the mouth needed to scream the agony that was, in its entirety, him.

…

Sun glazed the snow on the east bank of the golf course down to a slushy sheen by 10am the next morning. Mitted, in snow boots, three trespassers combed the 18 holes of Amity Park Golf Course.

“Are you sure it’s this one?” Sam asked, voice hoarse with a question that had been repeated once an hour for the last three hours between heaving breaths of clearing snow.

“It has to be this one. They said golf course there’s only one golf course,” Jazz answered, and her hands trembled against the heel of the shovel she dug into her nearest snowbank.

“Do you see any foot prints?”

“They’re melted.”

“Well check the melted sides then!”

“We checked the melted sides.”

“Maybe we missed—”

“Guys shut up,” Tucker said, and he said it low, and he said it with lips the color of ash. He stood rooted. And his eyes shifted to the crown of the hill 30 feet to their right.

Jazz and Sam shut up. Because they heard it too.

Jazz abandoned her shovel in the snow. She ran. But Sam was faster.

And it was a noise. Long and piercing and deflating. Quiet. Then starting fresh from the top. Long and singular, like the note of a bagpipe. Sam rounded the crest of the hill. And she found the noise first.

And this close, she realized what it was. The noise was relief. Because the thing lying in the melted snow was finally enough of a mouth, and enough of a throat, and enough of a lung, to scream.

[branw3lls]

various clockwork angel thoughts

-listening to the audiobook so i can get through everything before chain of thorns. i’ve both read and listened to the infernal devices books so many times, and prefer to read but i have a deadline baby! miss elizabeth bennet herself, jennifer ehle, narrating is so fun. her choice to give gabriel a goofy ass lisp is so fucking nuts but i respect her giving us variety in her accents 

-thomas tanner making me sad this time for some reason! never cared too much about him before but the bit about how thomas and will were so close before jem arrived, shadow hunter and the servant boy 

-charlotte always worried and henry always making soothing noises, i think this is mentioned like 20 times in 3 books 

-holy water, holy water and blood 

-i would read a brother enoch novella

-i never really appreciate how much i like tessa as our protagonist. she strikes a really perfect balance for me. i’m never annoyed with her, i love her i get her choices, i’m so FOND of her, i want her happy, i want her to have it all. she could very easily be boring at any moment but never is 

-god this would make such a fun show! will it ever happen

-ok now how the fuck did balios and xanthos the horses become magic horses who can take a carriage places without a driver??? thomas or cyril always has to drive in TID but in TLH these horses are on autopilot! i’ve never seen cassie answer this in an ask and maybe i’ll find it this time in my re-read but please let me know if you know because it’s so fucking funny to me

- forgot about the mention of guns and why they can’t use them as weapons against demons and that henry has been trying to get them to work even back then and then we got to see that come back in tlh

-jessamine rules, truly so so mean and so so funny. i can’t believe jessie has just been hanging out as a ghost for 24 years

-i want to see grownup sophie and will hanging out. they are so funny in this book. sophie hates his guts 

-jem and charlotte also have a dynamic i love. jem supports and listens probably more than anyone else in the institute

-drama queen will makes me wonder what it would be like if we got midnight heir version of james. i do really love the james herondale we have but would LOVE to see what cassie was originally do with the melodrama

-i think i also love this series the most bc i don’t love faerie/ the fae or seelie queen/ court drama and there’s practically none to be found 

- i love everyone i love these people i love their children and i don’t want to see them sad EVER AGAIN

-are we gonna see tessa use her power in chain of thorns? i know tlh is not about the parents but i do think they’re all going to play a larger part in events or be in peril and have to be saved by their kids or something in that vain

[incorrect-hs-quotes]

KARKAT: GOD I FUCKING HATE OLAF THE SNOWMAN SO FUCKING MUCH HOLY SHIT. HOLY SHIT, EVERY FRAME HE’S IN, EVERY SCENE, EVERY GIF, EVERY JPEG, HE’S GOT THIS PAINFULLY VACANT, STUPID AS SHIT, FUCKASS LOOK ON HIS STUPID LUMPY FACE. ABSOLUTELY NO PART OF HIS UGLY AS SIN PIECE OF SHIT CHARACTER DESIGN IS ENDEARING. HIS STUPID FUCKING LEGS? WHO THE HELL MAKES A SNOWMAN WITH LEGS. HIS DUMB FLAILY FUCKING TWIG ARMS? HIS SHITTY, LUMPY BASTARD HEAD? THE THREE THOUSAND PERCENT UNNECESSARY DUMBASS SHITASS FUCKING SNOW BUCK TOOTH THAT NO SNOWMAN HAS EVER FUCKING HAD IN THE HISTORY OF GOD’S GREEN FUCKING EARTH? GOD, I HATE HIM. I HATE HIM SO MUCH. SO FUCKING MUCH. EVERY TIME I SEE A STUFFED TOY OLAF OR AN OLAF GIF OR A SHITTY GODDAMN COMMERCIAL, IT IGNITES MY PRIMAL RAGE RESPONSE AND I’M OVERCOME BY THE NEED TO PUNT THIS SHITTY LITTLE HOMUNCULUS INTO THE FUCKING SUN. “BHURR BLUR, I’M OLAF THE FUCKSHIT SNOW FUCKER, I LIKE WARM HUGS”. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU. YOU LOOK LIKE TOW MATER SUMMONED A PATRONUS. YOUR DUMB FUCKING TWIG HAIR MAKES YOUR WHOLE SHITTY HEAD LOOK LIKE A HAIRY SKIN TAG. I HATE YOUR DUMB FUCKING LUMPY CARROT NOSE AND YOUR STUPID, EMPTY GOOGLY EYES AND YOUR OVER-THE-TOP GOOFY ASS UPBEAT ASSHOLE PERSONALITY. ANY SCENE HE’S SAD IT INVOKES ALL THE WRATH AND FURY OF A SPOILED CHILD HAVING A MELTDOWN OVER A CHOCOLATE BAR IN A W*LMART CHECKOUT LINE. AND I KNOW ITS IRRATIONAL. THAT’S THE WORST PART. I KNOW HE’S JUST A SHITTY FUCKING SIDE CHARACTER IN A STUPID FUCKING CHILDREN’S MOVIE, I KNOW IT DOESN’T MATTER, I KNOW I SHOULDN’T CARE. BUT THAT’S PART OF THE PROBLEM. THE PART WHERE NO MATTER THE MIGHT AND FURY OF MY HATRED, THE LOCUS OF MY HOMICIDAL INTENT IS ALLTOGETHER INCONSEQUENTIAL. I FIND MYSELF LAYING AWAKE IN THE DARK IN THE EARLY HOURS OF THE MORNING CONSUMED BY THE SPIRIT OF WRATH ITSELF, ALL THE FORCE AND MIGHT OF A FLAMING HURRICANE DIRECTED AT A BOTTLE OF PISS IN A DITCH BY THE HIGHWAY. THE ABSURDITY OF IT ALL BURNS ME TO MY CORE. WHAT BETTER THINGS COULD THIS ENERGY BE DIRECTED TOWARDS? AND YET MY DISDAIN FOR THIS STUPID, USELESS, INSUBSTANTIAL FAILURE OF ENDEARING CHARACTER DESIGN UTTERLY ECLIPSES THE INTRIGUE OF ALL OTHER PURSUITS. I HATE HIM. I HATE HIM ON A LEVEL OF MY MIND RESERVED FOR THE WORST OF THE WORLD’S ARRAY OF SINNERS, AND I CAN’T EVEN BEGIN TO JUSTIFY IT. SHITSTICK THE SNOW DICK IS, FOR ALL INTENTS AND PURPOSES, THE ANIMATED CORPSE OF ALL OF HUMANITY’S SACCHARINE PRETENSES- EVERY CONDESCENDING, PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE STATEMENT OF MEANINGLESS UPPER MIDDLE CLASS SUBURBAN DRAMA DISTILLED INTO A SINGLE, HATEABLE FORM. THE FUCKING. FUCK. I HAVE NO WORDS. THERE IS NO CUSS OR EPITHET IN ANY LANGUAGE THAT CAN ENCAPSULATE THE HEIGHT OF THE EMOTIONS I AM EXPERIENCING. GOD, I HATE HIM SO MUCH. I HATE HIM SO, SO FUCKING MUCH. I WANT TO LIGHT HIS UGLY LITTLE DUMPSTER BODY ON FIRE. I WANT TO GRAPHICALLY BEAT HIM TO DEATH WITH HIS OWN STUPID FUCKING NOSE. I WANT TO PUNCH HIM TO DEATH. YOU KNOW THAT WEIRD FEELING YOU GET, WHEN YOU SEE A PICTURE OF SOMETHING SO CUTE YOU FIND YOURSELF OVERCOME WITH THE BIZARRE, INEXPLICABLE URGE TO SQUEEZE IT? IT’S EXACTLY LIKE THAT, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF CUTENESS IT’S DISGUST. THE WORDLESS KNOWLEDGE THAT HIS EXISTENCE AS A FICTIONAL WORK IS EVIDENCE OF ALL THE FAILURES OF MANKIND. I FIND MYSELF POSSESSED BY THE WILL OF A HOLY ANGEL GONE ROGUE WITH THE BELIEF THAT GOD HAS MADE A MISTAKE, AND I ALONE MUST CORRECT IT. THIS IS THE TRIAL BY WHICH SAMAEL HIMSELF FELL FROM GRACE. THIS WILD, MEANINGLESS RAGE. A THOUSAND BLADES OF SHINING STEEL CAST WITH INHUMAN FORCE IN THE DIRECTION OF A PLASTIC GROCERY BAG FLOATING ON A BREEZE. WHAT HORRORS MUST I HAVE COMMITTED IN A PAST LIFE TO BE PLAGUED BY THIS TORMENT NOW? I MUST UNMAKE THIS FICTIONAL SNOWMAN.

DAVE: holy shit youre not wrong

KANKRI: I’d feel 6etter a69ut this wh9le rant if 9laf weren’t queer-c9ded. It might 6e largely the v9ice acting – the lisp, the inflecti9n especially – 6ut he’s g9t massive “harmless gay sidekick” vi6es. And if y9u’re actively critiquing that? Sure, great, g9 all 9ut. Hate wh9m y9u will. Say whatever y9u want a69ut h9w “gay” is equated with “harmless silly sidekick used f9r c9mic relief, with n9 seri9us 6earing 9n the pl9t, literally inhuman and treated 6y Seri9us Human Characters as… well, a sidekick, peripheral t9 y9ur life and safe t9 ign9re.

KANKRI: 6ut if y9u’re n9t engaging critically with that aspect 9f his character and are just 9verwhelmed with hatred whenever y9u see 9r hear 9r think a69ut the queer-c9ded character and his mannerisms make y9u feel vi9lent, that is a little 6it. Unc9mf9rta6le. At 6est.

KARKAT: WHAT ON GOD’S GREEN EARTH ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT

[incorrectsmashbrosquotes]

Dark Pit:  God I fucking hate Olaf the snowman so fucking much holy shit. Holy shit, every frame he's in, every scene, every gif, every jpeg, he's got this painfully vacant, stupid as shit, fuckass look on his stupid lumpy face. Absolutely no part of his ugly as sin piece of shit character design is endearing. His stupid fucking legs? Who the hell makes a snowman with legs. His dumb flaily fucking twig arms? His shitty, lumpy bastard head? The three thousand percent unnecessary dumbass shitass fucking SNOW BUCK TOOTH that no snowman has EVER FUCKING HAD IN tHE HISTORY OF GOD'S GREEN FUCKING EARTH? God, I hate him. I hate him so much. So FUCKING much. Every time I see a stuffed toy Olaf or an Olaf gif or a shitty goddamn commercial, it ignites my primal rage response and I'm overcome by the need to punt this shitty little homunculus into the fucking sun. "Bhurr blur, I'm Olaf the fuckshit snow fucker, I like warm hugs". Fuck you. Fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you. You look like Tow Mater summoned a patronus. Your dumb fucking twig hair makes your whole shitty head look like a hairy skin tag. I hate your dumb fucking lumpy carrot nose and your stupid, empty googly eyes and your over-the-top goofy ass upbeat asshole personality. Any scene he's sad it invokes all the wrath and fury of a spoiled child having a meltdown over a chocolate bar in a w*lmart checkout line. And I know its irrational. That's the worst part. I know he's just a shitty fucking side character in a stupid fucking children's movie, I know it doesn't matter, I know I shouldn't care. But that's part of the problem. The part where no matter the might and fury of my hatred, the locus of my homicidal intent is alltogether inconsequential. I find myself laying awake in the dark in the early hours of the morning consumed by the spirit of Wrath itself, all the force and might of a flaming hurricane directed at a bottle of piss in a ditch by the highway. The absurdity of it all burns me to my core. What better things could this energy be directed towards? And yet my disdain for this stupid, useless, insubstantial failure of endearing character design utterly eclipses the intrigue of all other pursuits. I hate him. I hate him on a level of my mind reserved for the worst of the world's array of sinners, and I can't even begin to justify it. Shitstick the snow dick is, for all intents and purposes, the animated corpse of all of humanity's saccharine pretenses- every condescending, passive-aggressive statement of meaningless upper middle class suburban drama distilled into a single, hateable form. The fucking. Fuck. I have no words. There is no cuss or epithet in any language that can encapsulate the height of the emotions I am experiencing. God, I hate him so much. I hate him so, so fucking much. I want to light his ugly little dumpster body on fire. I want to graphically beat him to death with his own stupid fucking nose. I want to punch him to death. You know that weird feeling you get, when you see a picture of something so cute you find yourself overcome with the bizarre, inexplicable urge to squeeze it? It's EXACTLY like that, except instead of cuteness it's disgust. The wordless knowledge that his existence as a fictional work is evidence of all the failures of mankind. I find myself possessed by the will of a Holy Angel gone rogue with the belief that God has made a mistake, and I alone must correct it. This is the trial by which Samael himself fell from grace. This wild, meaningless rage. A thousand blades of shining steel cast with inhuman force in the direction of a plastic grocery bag floating on a breeze. What horrors must I have committed in a past life to be plagued by this torment now? I must Unmake this fictional snowman.

Pit: I'd feel better about this whole rant if Olaf weren't queer-coded. It might be largely the voice acting – the lisp, the inflection especially – but he's got massive "harmless gay sidekick" vibes. And if you're actively critiquing that? Sure, great, go all out. Hate whom you will. Say whatever you want about how "gay" is equated with "harmless silly sidekick used for comic relief, with no serious bearing on the plot, literally inhuman and treated by Serious Human Characters as... well, a sidekick, peripheral to your life and safe to ignore .But if you're not engaging critically with that aspect of his character and are just overwhelmed with hatred whenever you see or hear or think about the queer-coded character and his mannerisms make you feel violent, that is a little bit. Uncomfortable. At best.

Sephiroth: WHAT ON GOD’S GREEN EARTH ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?!

Ganondorf:  See sometimes I wonder why I’m in this Hell-Mansion, and then conversations like this come along. Amazing.

[ghdjhdfhgkdmoved]

ok i am very much in the mood to talk about my egoverse so i'm gonna ramble about it a bit here and just. list some things.

anti steals things from the other egos. mainly chase. like, u know how chase wears a different hat now?? yeah it's because anti stole his old one. he also stole the chad puppet and gave it to jj because Fuck You Chase Brody

jackie looks up to henrik and sees him like a father figure!!

all of the egos except for anti and marvin were made intentionally. like,, jack actually intended for them to exist. and wrote them backstories, nd doodled up concepts for em nd stuff before making em. anti nd marv are forever pissed about this, because due to the fact that they weren't really like. planned or thought out they're both kinda Fucked Up

anti likes to dance- he doesn't do it often though

henrik has tried to off himself at least once

chase is a big fan of the 80s aesthetic. if he were to put any actual effort into the things he wears i can guarentee that it'd all be terrible 80s clothes

jj likes plants!! he's always wanted to have a lil garden

henrik just wants to live on a beach somewhere, man. like god dammit this is all he asks for

even though marvin works as a party trick magician, they do not know how to do any actual party tricks. so instead they cheat and use real magic. it looks cooler anyway

all of the egos are traumatized and need to go to therapy

henrik absolutely did not trust marvin when they first met because he's a stubborn bastard who refuses to trust anyone new

none of the egos have very good memories. like, if jack has written out something as a part of their backstory, they'll remember it (like, jackie remembers being bullied as a teen), but most of their 'pasts' are just. a blur

anti and marvin once again were not plannned and therefore don't remember SHIT

henrik likes to write!! after him nd marvin finally started getting along he wrote them a poem and you can guarentee that they almost started crying

jj has weird ass visions from the future. like fuckin one minute he's sitting there at the kitchen table doodling in a notebook that anti gave him, and the next he's sitting on a couch next to some dude in an adidas hat who seems far more familiar than he should. nd then after a second it's over and he's sitting at the kitchen table again. it's strange and he doesn't like it

jackie has a lisp. this is not important information i just felt as if you all should know

though he tries to hide it, henrik is fucking terrified of anti. like,, he spent like 6 months with that bastard and it REALLY fucked him up both mentally and physically u know

anti absolutely HATES feeling controlled. it's why he's so obsessed with controlling other people.

jj probably collects dolls. He Just Thinks They're Neat

i mentioned before that chase gives the other egos goofy lil nicknames so i am going to list them all off here:

henrik; henry, specs

jackie; jay/jaybird

marvin; mars, marv

jj; james, jamie

anti; THAT FUCKER

anti has a corkboard in his room and it's covered in uncomfortable photos. some of them are of henrik, when he had him held captive, a few of em are of chase- but most of em are of jack, from before he was put into a coma (though a few of them are of jack in the hospital, after he was put into a coma.)

jackie genuinely does not know how to deal with his own sadness. he feels like he doesn't really have the right to be sad, considering all of his friends have it WAY worse than him- like christ, chase lost his wife and kids, and henrik was kidnapped for months- so he just kind of.... bottles all of his sadness up.

marvin's fashion sense is very will wood inspired. once again not important i just want you all to know

ok that's all goodbye

[kweebtrash]

Idk if you’ve ever answered this, but I’m curious, why do you bias Johnny so hard? Messy actually made me start paying attention to Johnny more and I don’t regret it lol so thanks.

Ok so I have answered this before but I can't for the life of me find where I put it in my asks so I'll just rewrite my essay here. Bare with me it's long lmao. I remember I wrote about some physical stuff I like about him but let's take it from the top lmao.

SO I went to kcon ny 18 and I was a avid listener of NCT but I didn't really know any of the members by name or face or anything. And of course Johnny was one of the hosts because he speaks English and I was trying to find my bias and I thought maybe I would like taeyong (ppfffttt lmao) but my friends friend (who is a very toxic and gross and mean to other idols/groups) is a ty Stan and basically said "no he's mine. You can't have him. Go after Johnny or something." And I DEADASS SAID "NO HES UGLY"

Yah I thought my whole ass man was uglee 😂😂😂😂

So anyway I think around Sept or October my friend was really into NCT and was helping me to learn them and I don't remember what made me love Johnny so much specifically but it just kinda clicked.

So after that I just started biasing him so hard, he became my ult bias, and I flew all the way to Chicago for the concert just to see him cry.

So the reasons why I like him include:

Physical: BIG TOL BOIIIII. I have a thing for tol dumb goofy idiots with deep voices and big hands. A lot of my biases are like this lmao. But also BIG HANDS. His voice isn't super deep but I find it to be a nice tone in his own way. He has this cute overbite also?? Like idk why it's cute but I think it is and it makes him suck in air alot when he talks and it adds to his little lisp. (Don't @ me, I have an oral fixation ok) his smile is the cutest and makes me seo soft UM THOSE LIPS??? HI HELLO. His big ass broad shoulders??? HIS CUTE LIL PEACH BUTT??? THOSE THIGHS???? He competed with shownu on lipstick prince in a thigh separating contest and they tied one to one and shownu said it was kinda hard to beat him so this boy got STONK THIGHS. CHERRY BOMB EMO UNDERCUT JOHNNY BEING THE SUPERIOR JOHNNY??? His eyes are the most gorgeous things ever and he's made me fall in love with brown eyes. His hair always looks so floofy and soft. (Also we cannon him as having a big dick so)

Personality: A BIG ASS FUCKING AQUARIUS. so he's basically a big soft teddy bear thats extremely goofy and klutzy (which is also a majority of my biases). He puts his heart and soul into dancing on stage and masters choreography so damn well but when he dances on his own he's just...a white suburban dad trying to fit in with his teenage sons. It's soooooo bad. I am in a constant rotation of disappointment, second hand embarrassment, soft gushy lovey dovey feelings, and horniness when it comes to Johnny Suh. He's so awkward and weird like all the time and im just like WHY ARE YOU LIKE THIS PLEASE STOP. He's the most extra person and can't do anything normally and with all of that he never fails to make me laugh. He's the biggest dork to exist. Also he has the best duality of man ever. On stage and in super modelesque pictures and some MVs he looks like a daddy that will tear your ass up in a heartbeat and other times he's just like (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*.✧ and the best uwu bean. He's literally so sweet and caring to people and so passionate about his hobbies (although he really like photography he's the worst fucking videographer ever and can't keep a camera still to save his life). He's a really great leader and his relationship with the others are so cute. Marks his brother, taeils his husband, Jae's his best friend, haechan and chenle are his sons, ten and ty have big ass gay love crushes on him (same sis). And it's all so precious. He's a big ass fucking Mama's boy and his relationship with his mom is the cutest thing ever. She loves her big ass baby so much and ME TOO MRS SUH ME TOO. He'd be the sweetest and dorkiest boyfriend ever and would always try and make you feel better when you're sad and make you laugh and give tons of hugs,kisses, and affection. And even tho us sluts categorize him as a big ass Dom he'd be really sweet in bed irl. He's just too much of a goofball to be any other way.

Career wise: well this one's hard because johfam suffer a lot when it comes to Johnny's talents. He's completely overlooked and forced to get one or two lines or some hype up chorus shit and it's really annoying but we find time to support him anyway. He has a really sweet soft voice and doesn't really have a big range like taeil but it's really nice none the less AND THEN THEY SLAP AUTOTUNE ON IT AND MAKE HIM SOUND FAKE. (See highway to heaven) he can play piano/keyboard and he's so good at it and I was at least happy that at their concert Johnny had a mini solo for the transition into regular where he got the spotlight and got to play the keyboard (cries forever). THEY DONT LET HIM DJ ANYMORE AND I DONT KNOW WHY HES SO CUTE WHEN HE DJS. BRING BACK DJ JOHNNY. Also he's supposed to be a rapper? Never raps? Supposed to be a lead dancer? Gets center for like 10 seconds. One day I hope he expands into other stuff though sm doesn't really let their idols do anything else (much). Like I think he'd make a good model. He knows how to take pics well. He walks well in heels believe it or not so maybe he won't completely fall on his face on the runway. Anyway let Johnny Suh have his moment to shine and showcase his talents bc sm thinks he ain't got any and wants him to suffer.

In summary he's just really sweet, kind, funny, and caring and hes talented but overlooked so we try and give him a lot of love and support.

Tl;Dr: Johnny's great. Stan Johnny.

[westcoastbroadway1443]

Be More Notes: my very long ramblings on BMC as I finally listen to the whole thing

Ok!  I’m finally doing it!  Now that the cast album is out I’m going to really give all of Be More Chill a listen, try to put the things that annoy me about the show aside, and give it a fair chance.  And have decided to do running commentary here for the nobody who gives a shit lol.  Going in I wanna say I’ve heard 4 full songs and random bits of other songs from the original soundtrack.  And I’ll be listening now to the OBC album plus watching a b**tlg, I’m not totally sure when it took place I just know Will Roland is in it so at the very least New York.  Keep in mind whatever I think of this show, if I end up hating it, if you like it you’re right.  My opinion in no way invalidated anybody else’s or is above anyone else’s in my eyes, frankly I don’t enjoy not liking things, it just means I don’t get to come to the party and that’s not fun.  So I might be poking fun at the show sometimes but if this speaks to you, that is fucking awesome!  Also I’m old now and I guess no longer the target audience for stuff like this.  

Spoilers for those who haven’t watched the show and don’t want to know stage stuff because I’ll be commenting on that.  This ended up being really long, eh.  

More Than Survive -ok this song I’ve heard before, and it both turned me off the show and also made me respect the hell out of it, because much like I give a salute to Black Mirror having the balls to make pig sex their pilot, I salute a musical that starts with jerking off -So far like Roland a little more than the previous guy.  From what I’ve gathered from clips, while that dude is hella talented and cute as a button I kind of buy Roland as a terrified, desperate, frustrated high school kid more   -Man I really do dig the hell out of the score and there is no denying this is catchy but some of these lyrics are so cringe -WHY IS A TEEN IN 2019 REFERENCING JOE PESCI?! -Ok I love the idea of a short bully calling somebody “tall ass” -I do like Jeremy’s body language better in this one. Also does he vocally remind anyone else of Max from Goofy Movie?  Maybe this song just reminds me  of “After Today” for no reason. -“super pimp” “mac daddy game”....OK!  I’m going to try not to list every time I cringe.  I just have questions -You don’t  want to be Clooney...high school child in 2019 is Clooney really your reference for cool?  Sorry I just struggle with this stuff because I keep hearing how this show is so in touch with kids these days but I just see:

-lol Michael came on and people went apseshit in the audience.  All my nitpicks aside I bet this room probably has some great energy. -..Michael the clerk at 7/11 doesn’t pour your slushie, it’s self serve.  Are you trying to seem cool to Jeremy right now? -Aah the boyfriend backpacks.  I know of this ship -Yeah Christine brings the flutes!!!  I was a flute player, we never get love -HAHA when Christine is doing her weird ass dance, in the recording I’m watching somebody right in front of the person recording just went “I don’t get this show”.  Like me too darlin, but you got 2 hours left so suck it up -Oh but sir, check the playbill.  The story is indeed about you -in summation this song kind of encapsulates everything I feel about this show, good performances and catchy as fuck and musically interesting and a lot of me asking “why”.

Play Rehearsal   -Well Christine is adorable -wow wait what?  wtf was that weird self harm comment???  Are we just gonna skip that??? -Ok I was a band kid in HS so I guess I don’t get this level of extra.  Band rehearsal is just tuning and then fucking around until somebody makes you play Bach -...is Christine ok??? -Ok I think at least for now I may hate her.  But I like that Jeremy likes her, likes her passion and such.  I approve of her conceptually!  I just don’t wanna be around her -I thought play rehearsal was gay, Rich?!  WHAT YOU DOIN AT PLAY REHEARSAL RICH?! -...I mean I’ve seen Romeo and Juliet as a zombie wasteland movie, I would watch Midsummer zombies

More Than Survive Reprise -”least I didn’t have a breakdown and have to go the nurse” Ok fair, I can relate to that high school experience -this set is kind of working for me, basic but fun and the floor is neat -I know high school bullies are a thing I guess? But I always just saw them in movies?  Now Middle School bullies were legit and terrible and I got the shit kicked out of me, but by HS I feel like everybody was too into their own shit to care much about anyone else??  Maybe that was just my school -Will Roland’s body language is real good in this show

The Squip Song -Oh!  Surprise Rich lisp. Creative way to show how this thing alters you -..ok now we know about Rich’s dick size.  I mean hon your short, maybe your penis is just proportionate?   -DO I DETECT SOME THEREMIN IN THIS ORCHESTRATION?!   Gimme all the theremin!   -Ok so the squip made him be an asshole?  Does he secretly want to be buddies with Jeremy? -Ok what the fuck are the people in the background doing here?!? -I know people ship Michael and Jeremy but I feel like Rich kinda wants to jump that tall ass??

Two Player Game -Ok the little sign for the game that came up was cute -These guys are kinda cute, even if I wish they’d tone down Michael’s “I’M QUIRKY!!  YOU GET IT?!?” shtick -That is accurate!  Y’all will be cool in college and I don’t see that brought up often -This is the first time I’ve found the choreography fun   -...why is this dad allergic to pants?? -ah.  Depression=no pants.  And now I get why Jeremy’s so desperate not to stay as he is.  Well points for making it not just about the girl -awww Michael is his bae -bro I’ve heard Loser Geek Whatever, you’re tellin lies right now to your buddy -LOL!  WTF IS THIS WINDOWS SCREENSAVER OF A VIDEO GAME?!? -oh wow dancin went off the rails here at the end

Squip Enters -Mountain Dew?  Well, better than Surge I guess.   -Ok the Ecto Cooler line legit made me laugh.  And I guess I could come down on the show for making Michael psyched about a drink that came out before he was born, but I have a pretty intense Crystal Pepsi obsession and that shit came out when I was maybe 4?  So I get it Michael, you go enjoy your liquid ghosts -well that squip thing doesn’t look fun -Oooooh Ok Keanu is like factory setting, alright I’ll accept this.  Though I will say this show would be 35% better if he was dressed like Keanu from Bill and Ted

Be More Chill Prt 1 -Hey stop shitting on Jeremy.  I think I kinda like him -wow Keanu, I didn’t think you’d be so mean -I mean everyone chanting “everything about you sucks” is just how peeps with anxiety feel constantly.  Eminem shirt ain’t gonna fix that -”Jerry-me” ok Will Roland is kind of making this work for me.   -Him repeating everything the squip said is a fun little sequence.  Like I dig this conceptually, scifi musicals are rare and can be neat - Lol the hate who they hate thing is pretty accurate

Do You Wanna Ride? -hey Jeremy what about Christiiiiine

Be More Chill Part 2 -the beginning of this song broke me a little.  Hey!  I’m feelin a thing! -this song is pretty fun!  It works!   -though the cast of like 10 people that just keep putting on different wigs make it feel like a high school play or a starkid production

Sync Up -ok so now I know I’m watching previews?  Because sync up isn’t here -I do think this song is a really good addition.  I mean it’s not like a stand out fantastic song but it does a good job getting across the themes and drives home the whole “everybody has problems” thing too which I like -Ok..dairy line was weird.  

A Guy I Could Kinda Be Into -Ok the weird girl fighting stuff about Jake is unpleasant and sort of unnecessary -a squip gives you a deep voice and the ability to kinda do accents.  Cool -ooo this is catchy, this is gonna make the spotify playlist -the goofy background hearts are cute.  I still don’t know why she’s into Jake or why she’s friends with Jeremy or if they should be together since legit the only thing she thinks they have in common is theater which he doesn’t care about..but this song is still cute -lol squips understand friend zone

Upgrade -DID THIS SHOW JUST KILL EMINEM?! -How did the squip know that?!  Does Eminem have a squip??  I mean it kinda makes sense.. -Don’t you see Jerbear?! The key to popularity is in this girl’s vagina!  Happy they cut the “I’ll tenderly guide you just take me inside you” thing, little creepy -Why did Jake make a kicking motion to illustrate cricket?  I’m like 85% sure Jake doesn’t know what cricket is... -the “feel all the feels” like is a little goofy but I really like the rewrite for this song, showing some depth of character.  Good job, show!  And I’m seeing some chemistry between these two, but I don’t know if I’m meant to? -Oh no!  The whole “you looked at me” thing from Brooke was so sweet and sad.  And the player two thing.  Yeah this OG version of this song can go fuck off, the rewrite is a really good tune.  I’ll admit the original maybe built up the horror a little, the squip sounds more threatening coming in at the end but I like where there going making this about everyone and not just Jeremy

Loser Geek Whatever -Squip blocked Michael??  You’re a dick, Keanu Reeves -I didn’t love this song when I first heard the single but hearing the version on the album and the stripped down piano version, I really really like it.  Gives me some of those old geek feels from back in the day -sort of surprise by how little is happening on stage though?  I sort of assumed something was happening as the song built?  But nope, just Will rocking his wee heart out -LOL!  What is Squip’s new outfit???

Halloween -Ah, it’s this show Big Fun.  This is a lot catchier than Big Fun though -I went to exactly one of these kinds of parties in HS, just replace Halloween with punks after a rock show and add a lot more drugs.  I didn’t hide in a bathroom but I did hide next to the stairs until my mom came and got me.  Memories!!  You know what this show is succeeding I suppose, it’s making me have HS feels -...is Jake dressed as Thomas Jefferson? -Jenna you’re too cute for that costume.  You should get to wear something sexy too!  Unless you just dig clowns in which case enjoy yourself hon -Ooooooh Prince, I get it -this is not this show’s fault at all but I struggle with dancing in shows.  I mean the title of my blog is The Girl Who Used to Hate Musicals because I did, and while I love them now extended dancing sequences still take me out of a show real fast.  I know I’m in the minority here -...what the fuck is that weird fuzzy thing with the big teeth -Hot damn!  Go Rich!  Dancin fool

Do You Wanna Hang? -I don’t like any part of this plot line... -Ok!  Didn’t realized she was dressed like a “sexy baby” so the diaper line sort of horrified me.  I mean it still does!  I just understand it now

Michael in the Bathroom -hey the bathtub!  Ok I know enough to know what happens now -Jeremy why you gotta be so mean -I mean what is there to say, great song.  I wondered if they’d change anything for the new recording and I dig the arrangement, especially the stripped down acoustic guitar and piano parts!! Also as a lady who maybe once or twice since discovering this song has gotten tipsy and sung it karaoke-like, appreciate the slower and the higher.  It’s not a lot, just a bit, but makes it less of a struggle to match.  Thanks bro!

A Guy That I’d Kinda Be Into (Reprise) -Finally!  They’re both giant doofs but I see some connection!  And I mean my roommate and I have noises we always make at each other like a call and response, so I gets it -He asked it!  So proud.  Rejected but proud of the boy, and rejected for good reasons

The Smartphone Hour -Heard part of this song before.  Really like this Jenna more than original Jenna, her performance was a little much for me -This is one of those songs where I really do feel like I’m watching a HS original production..but a good one?  Maybe cause I haven’t seen something like this on Broadway, but that’s a good thing.  Always good to see new kinds of things on Broadway -lol what is the middle of this song?!  I feel like I’m suddenly watching a cheer squad or like a John Waters inspired musical, which from what little I know of Joe Iconis I think he’d be cool with that comparison

The Pants Song -Jeremy don’t be mean to your dad! -Yipes is this the Break in a Glove or Dead Gay Son of BMC?? -....yeah it totally is -”Do you love him??” Has Jeremy’s dad finally given up on finding a girl in Jeremy’s room? -Ok ok I’m gettin the ship

The Pitiful Children -So squip just looks like this now, I thought maybe he was just being fancy for Halloween -Hot damn Jenna!  Why were we savin that voice?! -I feel like I’m missing something with these weird hand motions the squip is always, do they actually mean something? -goosestepping...alright.  Oh no Jeremy did the hand motions, I think that means a thing

The Play -Jeremy is being so creepy but he means well?  I guess?   -lol using the play to spread the squips is pretty clever -wtf red mountain dew?  Really?  You know what fuck it, discontinued drinks for the win.  Maybe my saved bottles of Crystal Pepsi will stop an apocalypse one day! -Michael’s entrance was cute, and hey he just happens to have code red.  I wish ecto cooler was what shut it off. -The glitching voice is crazy when Jeremy is fighting Michael and I love the way Jeremy is sort of bobbing up and down in fighting stance like a video game character,  Fun touch -squip is making Jeremy go all Idle Hands! -I prefer the recording version of the guys making up, the whole “I just wanted to be liked” “I just wanted to be seen” thing -the squip has to be so extra even in death

Voices in My Head -hey lispy Rich is back!  And bi now I guess? -Oh is that why people think Michael/Jeremy are a thing?  The squip blocked Rich’s bi thoughts from him and it blocked Michael from Jeremy’s vision?  I mean it would be an interesting story, I’d take it. -This might be my favorite song and I don’t really know why, I don’t super love that Jeremy still gets Christine in the end but I just love how this song sounds -I’ve never heard a character wearing pants get an applause? -improved lyrics in the Broadway version, and since it got more into the popular kids as people you can kinda see why they’d still stay friend with Jeremy -”I’ll throw you a rope home slice if you need some dope advice” like is this parody?  What is this??  Well..still my fav song despite this line.  A line they liked so much it’s the one original popular kid line they kept in the new version??? -don’t know if I see much future for these two, but Jeremy’s reaction to the kiss was cute -”Of the voices in my head the loudest one is mine” is my favorite line of the show -lol Rich’s little sneak hug.  I feel like Rich always wanted to be friends with Jeremy?  Or had a crush on him and that’s why his squip made him beat Jeremy up?  Is this pairing a thing?

Final thoughts:  This was so stupid long, nobody read this but that’s ok!  It was fun to take notes anyway.  Listening to it all, I liked it more than I thought I would, especially with the lyric changes.  I don’t know if I would like it as much if it wasn’t Will Roland, the dude just really made this character likable when he could very easily not be.  Some of the lines still bug me, there’s still a lot of cringe here but there’s also a lot of good stuff.  This show introduced me to Joe Iconis and I’m slowly falling in love with him from his other work and CANNOT WAIT for Broadway Bounty Hunter because that sounds so like my jam.  Overall I do get why people like this show, especially younger people because you can relate to the characters but maybe you want something a little peppier than DEH.   I don’t think this is a soundtrack I’m going to ever listen to all the way through, but I’m for sure grabbing a handful of songs and sticking them on my musical play list.  And when this thing goes on tour and ends up in LA, I think it would probably be worth checking out if I can, looks like a fun watch.  Though with all the young fans and internet fans if they’re smart they’re gonna record this bitch.

[lohst-in-time]

exit82 be more chill - a written bootleg

ACT ONE

first of all i’d like to say that the cheering was not nearly as excessive as tumblr led me to believe it wasn’t that bad and i could hear all the lines so!!! comfort to y’all

*spooky theramin hell dream commence*

JERE HAD THE VOICE OF A GOD, A VERY NERDY SMALL GINGER GOD

okay but the dad though we have to admire his skill to put on his pants so quickly to go and be a bus driver

the whole time brooke chloe and jenna are having their conversation jere is just awkwardly trying to discreetly slide his hand to his locker and honestly me

also brooke just like skips everywhere it’s adorable

everyone was just glancing around at each other while rich wrote boyf on the backpack like 👀👀👀👀👀

this jake definitely did a totally different thing for his jake than jake boyd but i LOVED it and he was really great!!!

the set for this was so versatile and stuff like they turned around the lockers and BAM there’s the play signup sheet it was cool as hell

jeremy does this cute cut-off gesture on “end scene” and it’s A+

C H R I S T I N E

oh my god where do i start with christine her overalls were great, her cat stockings were great, her voice was AMAZING like honestly y’all she was a blessing

SO LIKE i was sitting right by this exit door and turns out it’s where a L O T of people enter from so michael walked in all casually with his slushy right in front of me and i was n o t p r e p a r e d

michael was acting so high during his part it was great

MICHAEL MAKES KISSY FACES AT JERE FOR THE BOYF RIENDS PART AND I MEAN IT WAS PLAYED FOR LAUGHS BUT STILL

also when jere says his whole “i hate this school” thing michael just kinda smiles and shrugs so that was NICE

i can confirm that christine signing up for the play in this production is just as extra as it was in the original production

chloe’s “i like gay people” was like really loud it was great

can yall believe im still only in the first song

also the ensemble peeps were A++ i loved them

for the scene before play rehearsal there’s a whiteboard with drama club written on it in cute lettering and it’s great

CHRISTINE IS GOD

the whole song jeremy is just watching christine with a goofy grin like heck yeah i love this human and it’s adorable i loved it so much!!

christine’s NOISES!!!!!! A++++++

at the end with the “we’re starting” christine just kept pausing at staring at the whiteboard expectantly until she turns to jere and is like “soooooon” and it was both pure and hilarious

MR REYES HAD LIKE A MULLET/PONYTAIL COMBINATION WIG THING AND IT WAS AMAZING

when mr reyes says the thing about frisbee golf this ensemble guy just goes like “yeah!!” it was great

christine looked so genuinely distraught over midsummer nightmare with zombies

also when mr reyes announces it he flips the whiteboard to reveal midsummer nightmare with zombies written in like this beautiful calligraphy it was blessed

he’s so aggressive with “THE MAN IS DEAD LET IT GO” oh my god

so in this version jake is way more just obviously hitting on christine rather than genuinely saying all the stuff about romeo and juliet and i don’t know how i feel about it but he delivered it really well so !!!!!!

the audience audibly sadly awwed when christine didn’t notice jeremy speaking

RICHARD FUCKIN GORANSKI OH MY GODNESS

the lisp is alive and well by the way

fRESHMAN YEEAR

basically the squip song was very extra i loved it

everyone was so excited at the “its from japan”

RICH JUST WIPES HIS PISS HANDS ON JEREMYS FACE AND SHIRT WHAT THE FUCK RICHARD

DODODODODODODODODODODODODODODODODODO

michael just deadass lights a blunt during two player game it’s hilarious

the pacman tattoo is confirmed to be on michael’s right arm i took note

MICHAEL DABBED TWICE

on the line “i wanna move on” jeremy just sorta whinily shakes michael’s arm it’s great

during the favorite person part michael just lowkey rests his head on jere’s shoulder and is promptly playfully shoved so that he falls facefirst into the two bean bags and he just sorta lays there for a bit it’s amazing

for the final chorus part thing they both just do these ridiculous karate moves and shit in the front while video game characters take off the set it’s so extra and blessed i loved it

tHERES TWO SALESPEOPLE

instead of the sideburns comment jeremy just awkwardly says “so, my chemical romance right” it was the best

when jeremy opens the shoebox michael in the background just lowkey moves his phone up in the air and takes a picture then looks really satisfied and pleased with it

press f to pay respects to jeremy’s bar mitzvah money

the squip looks just like this cool villainy dude at first but over the course of the show he slowly gets more and more squippy and villainy looking it’s so FUCKIN COOL

also when the squip first shows up little drop down things on the ceiling of the squip wire shit shows up and there’s also more big ones that show up in upgrade it’s just a cool lil thing that i liked

the squip squat-sits a lot. just a psa

AT THE “SHE WAS CHEATING ON ME” PART JEREMY STRAIGHT UP FLIPS THESE CLOTHES IN THE AIR AND FLAILS AROUND ON THE GROUND WHAT THE FUCK JEREMIAH

do you wanna ride was both uncomfortable and hilarious at the same time it was p amazing

there were these short pauses in between each “in” in pinkberry at the end it was super funny

at the end of be more chill part two when everyone sets jeremy down on the bed the squip says like “be careful with him he’s delicate”

jere: *aggressively tapping his head* hellooo are you on? mr heere: son are you talking to yourself again jere: i...guess i am mr heere: okay

from now on jeremy wears his eminem shirt AND this black coat vest thing it actually looks pretty good

at play rehearsal everyone does southern accents during their lines it’s amazing

“cough.”

JEREMY AND CHRISTINE SLOW DANCE DURING GUY I’D KINDA BE INTO THIS IS NOT A DRILL

“im sorry i don’t know why im crying” BIG MOOD JEREMIAH

“noooooooo....ot exactly”

jere is forced to make out with brooke and he clearly looks very uncomfortable and i felt so bad jvnghfkd

“that...that’s illegal” “yeah, it’s totally illegal!” SHFGJSCKISFTDYIDV

everyone highkey gasped/sadly awwed when jere said optic nerve blocking on

ACT TWO

brooke’s sexy dog costume jvndhdksj

RICH DEADASS HAS A FUCKIN BAGUETTE MACHETE I DIED

I AM IM READY FOR YOUR HALLOWEEN PARTY

“i do not understand the request” YES YOU FUCKIN DO SHUT UP TIC TAC MAN

*bathtub prop is brought onstage* FUCK IM NOT EMOTIONALLY READY-

NOT ONLY DOES JEREMY CALL HIM A LOSER BUT HE SHOVES HIM INTO THE BATHTUB TOO OH MY GOD NO

the audience reaction was INSANE people were ooing and awwing and gasping all around me and it was surreal as fuck

THIS BOY MIKEY WAS L I T E R A L L Y CHOKING BACK THE TEARS HE SOUNDED SO UPSET I CANT DESCRIBE IT ACCURATELY BUT HE SOUNDED LIKE HE WAS ACTUALLY SOBBING IT HURT ME

by the way this dude has the voice of an angel. of a god. a god angel. an angel god.

christine and jeremy’s weird noise exchange was the cutest damn thing ever

everyone in the audience sounded so sad when christine said no to going out with jeremy but i mean WE WERE SAD EVEN THOUGH MOST OF US KNEW IT WAS GONNA HAPPEN

SMARTPHONE HOUR WAS HYPE AS SHIT OKAY ALSO THE DRAG REPRESENTATION WAS LIVING

they all start out in bathrobes and stuff (LIKE I ALWAYS PICTURED IT TOO I WAS INTERNALLY SCREAMING!!!) then they take them off to reveal these like shiny elastic outfits like in a zumba class or something it was amazing

BROOKE DROPPING HER PHONE THEN SCREECHING AND DIVING AFTER IT IS M Y NEW AESTHETIC

okay but when the squip walks out for the scene before pitiful children he looks like a straight up evil electronic BADASS he got Cloaks For Days (also his makeup was On Point the whole show so just sayin)

everyone in the audience made sad noises when jenna said her line about knowing everyone’s business but honestly i felt a Sad at that part

JENNA NAILED THOSE HIGH NOTES also she just deadass pulled the Mountain Dew out of her coat jvnghfk

LIGHT UP SHOES DURING PITIFUL CHILDREN THIS IS NOT A DRILL EVERYONE

THE PANTS SONG WAS AMAZING also michael was super defensive when mr heere asked if he loved jeremy like he super quickly was like “NO” i just thought it was intriguing

JERES COSTUME ON MR REYES WAS SO SMALL HIS SHIRT WAS LITERALLY A CROP TOP

during the rich flashback the play background curtain thing comes down a bit to show the flashback and then comes back up it was cool

“MICHAEL MAKES AN ENTRANCE” “AAAAAAAAAAAAA”

THE KUNG FU FIGHT THING also michael still keeps jeremy in this body hug thing to keep him restrained long after he needs to be just something i noticed

during the “confession” part christine and jeremy slow dance again BUT i paid attention to michael in the background and he looked DISTRAUGHT i deadass actually saw him wipe a tear and start walking away (before coming back when jere gives her the mountain dew red) and HOLY SHIT YALL I WAS HURT

michael is just left in this pile of bodies and he literally just shouts “OH FUCK” and honestly SAME

R I C H A R D oh my god first of all this whole scene he is like just smiling his ass off in this full body cast and the lisp was super alive and everyone lost their SHIT at the totally bi part it was so great and when michael comes in he’s like so excitedly ranting about what happened that he fuckin shakes jere’s hospital bed it was great ALSO IM ALMOST POSITIVE THAT RICH WAS WEARING AN LGBT SHIRT FOR VOICES IN MY HEAD CAN SOMEONE HELP CONFIRM THIS

i have never heard so many people gasp because of a man walking onstage wearing pants

BROOKE AND CHLOE SWITCHED SHIRTS THIS IS NOT A DRILL

i was really glad that everyone including michael were so happy for jeremy and christine it was pure

im emotionally worn out that was a ride thanks for listening hope yall will be able to visually see this beauty someday

[your-fantasy-alive]

We Are One-Pt 2.

Re Cap

**“You know, I’m disappointed in you all.” He says, tone saddened and heavy.

“What the hell are you…” says Chen but pauses as he sees me remove my gloves.

They now see, the burn of their emblem, embedded into his right hand. Black as day, for all to see.

“Boss…..” says Lay, shocked.**

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“What... but... how…” says Sehun, lost for words.

“Pick his big mouth ass up and go get a table, now.” He says, turning to go and order for them at the counter.

“Yes sir” they say, synchronized as Suho and Lay go and pick the hurt Chanyeol off the floor.

  As he walks away, he hears his men whispering to each other as they walk to find a table.

 This should be fun

 As they all sit at the round table waiting for their boss, they start firing blame left and right.

“How did you not know that was the boss?! You knew him first!” Baekhyun whisper shouted at Lay

“Its been a fucking year! What was I supposed to do?! When we met, he had on all black and it was in a dark ass alley! Tell me you would have remembered him” lay, frustrated, says back. “Chanyeol big mouth ass had to go and try to rough him up! I told your goofy ass to stop throwing the gang around like that. Now look where it has gotten you, a broken arm given to you by the boss.” Says Lay

“I mean, he kind of deserved that one though” says Chen, laughing.

“Then here goes Sehun lispy ass trying to defend him from the boss. He probably would have gotten laid on his ass.” Blurts out Xiumin, looking over at the maknae.

“Hyung, don’t bring up his lisp, you know how he is about it.” Says Suho, putting one arm over Sehuns’ shoulder.

“Of course, you would defend him at a time like this. What we need to be figuring out is how we’re about to get out of this one” say Kai, sitting in the middle of the blame game.

“I think we should just see what the boss says then go from there” says Sehun, finally speaking.

As soon as he says that, Kyungsoo makes his way back to the table and sit in front of his men. His gaze is strong but wandering. He remembers his men, but they seem to have changed.

That’s not good… or is it?

“Hello boys, how are you?” he asks, gazing into each pair of eyes.

At first no one responded but then Kyungsoo cocks his right eyebrow and responses were shouted from all different directions.

“Good”

“Alright”

“Fine”

“I have to use the restroom badly”

“You broke my arm”

However, one question stood out the most.

“Where have you been for the past year?” ask Kai.

He looks over and gazes at him and holds eye contact as he responds,

“Watching”

“Watching what?” asked Sehun.

“Things”

The members all looked at each other wondering how they were going to get through to the boss. They know they made him made but he’s basically giving them the silent treatment.

“Look boss…. I know that we made you angry, but could you kindly actually talk to us. We haven’t seen you in a year and yet you’re acting like you aren’t happy to see us. Give us something.” Says Xiumin flatly.

“Oh, I’m sorry, am I supposed to be happy because of a group of men who can’t remember the morals I set forth before them? Am I supposed to be happy because of a group of men who can’t respect me? You tell me, what exactly am I supposed to be happy about?” Kyungsoo says lowly, gaze turning harder with each question.

They all sat there, slowly freezing up remembering the trouble they’re probably in.

“Don’t freeze up now, it’s time to talk. Chanyeol, since you like to talk so much about the gang so much, you tell me what’s been going on in the past year.” He says

“Uhm… Well…. the was this time that…. Or maybe when we… you see we kind of...” He says, stuttering over his words.

“Exactly, because you can’t. Do you want to know why you can’t?” he asked, voice dropping even lower.

“You can’t because you guys have been fucking off all of your responsibilities. I left a year ago on this very day and the gang is still the way I left it. Don’t get me wrong, it’s nice to know that I still have all my members. It’s nice to see your faces after so long but the fact that my gang is still a gang and not an empire makes me upset. I gave you all the foundation and wanted you to build while I was gone. I gave you all a year to create something, anything and I don’t see it. So, this time, Lay, tell me what happened in the last year.”

“Well… while you were away, we have been trying to figure out ways to expand and what we should expand to. Since all you said when you left was ‘when I come back, it’ll be time to run our empire’ I thought that meant that when you came back, you would lead us. I’m sorry boss.”

“Rule number 29 Yixing”

“Right….. Alright.”

The other boys looked between Lay and Kyungsoo, lost in what that meant.

“Rule number 29? What does that mean?” asked Chen

“Never say you’re sorry” blurts out Sehun

“ How did you know that? “Asked Baekhyun

“That doesn’t matter Baek. Right now, what I want to do is have us eat and then take me back to HQ. I want to see for myself what’s been going on. Alright? Right now, eat” says Kyungsoo, for the first time, cracking a smile.

At that moment, their food is being brought towards them

“How did you...” says Suho started to ask “, never mind.”

“Eat up and then when we’re done, let’s begin”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Heading to HQ was a silent and Kyungsoo didn’t know if he should be happy or sad with that fact. He knows that they are all scared by the fact that they made him mad but that didn’t mean that he didn’t care for them any less. Maybe he was going too hard on them the first day back?

“Alright boss, let’s go and we can show you what we’ve been doing.” Says Suho as they all make their way into the building.

As soon as he walks in, he sees a giant Chandelier with blood diamonds all around, creating a dark yet welcoming entrance to the building.

“Who chose the chandelier?” he asked, as he continues to look around

“Chanyeol”  they all said at the same time, thinking that they dodged another bullet

Kyungsoo turns towards him and say, “Nice choice Yeol” and continue to rake his eye around the floor until he reaches the elevator.

When it opens, Kyungsoo is faced with a 6’0 something giant with puffy lips and dark eyes. Maybe it’s the fact that he’s shorter but he can smell the strong cologne coming from the mans chest, making his eyes water.

“What the hell are you wearing?” he asked, wiping his eyes

“Huh? Cologne of course, what else would smell this good?” He said with a smirk

“A dead rat” Chanyeol says, walking into the elevator with the men following behind. The last to walk onto the elevator being Kyungsoo, putting himself in front of all the others, at the entrance with his back turned towards them.

“Ha Ha , very funny Chanyeol.” He says

“I’m just saying, it does kind of smell. Maybe you should pick a different type Kris”

“Yeah, I’ll think about it. Besides, who is the shortcake you have with you?” Kris says, turning his head towards the mans back.

“Woah…. Wait,”

“Kris watch what you’re saying”

“Oh hell…”

“Kris is it?” Kyungsoo says, stopping everyone from trying to save him.

“Yeah, Kris is right… Once again… you are……looking good boss” he says, trailing off when he sees 7 pair of heads shake and eyes get larger, fixing his mistake immediately.

“Ah, I see my boys are helping you out” he says with his back still turned, making everyone whip their heads back towards the front.

“Of course not, I was just joking around boss. I’d remember that face from anywhere” He said, ending with a chuckle.

His response had multiple eye rolls and Chen face palming.

“Hmm, funny. I don’t remember you and I remember every member that I left.” He said, turning his head to the side to side eye Kris.

“Boss, Kris is someone we added just after you left, he is very important to us. So, if you could kindly not break his arm maybe? Lay says, with a hopeful voice.

“Yeah, but his legs are free boss, take your pick. Left, or right?” jokes Chen

Kris then starts to turn paler then he already is and shuffles even further to the back.

“If you guys added him then that means he’s here for a reason, he’s fine. Next time Kris, manners will be necessary. Got it?” Kyungsoo says, turning back around as the floor dings.

“Got it” he says.

They then get off the elevator and make their way into the basement. One of the members then go and switch on the lights and one by one the lights above flick on to show them the first room on the tour,

“The armory boss”

Kyungsoo then slowly makes his way around and looks at all the weapons that the group has accumulated since he has left. It’s a nice size for such a small group. However, something isn’t right

“Boys, how often are these used?” Kyungsoo asked, continuing his walk

“Not very often, we actually barely come down here. No one really bothers us so, we just keep them here. “says Baekhyun

Kyungsoo turns around and looks at his men.

Don’t tell me they haven’t at least trained properly?!

“How many of you know how to use the weapons that are in this room, at this very moment?” he asks

Baekhyun, Xiumin, Chen, Suho and Lay raise their hands.

“hmm, we’re going to have to fix this because If someone were to come in here and try to take over, only you 5 would be able to protect the entire building. Forget everything else, protecting yourself is always the important thing. Knowing how to protect yourself is a vital thing to have while in a gang. It’s time for a little meeting boys, take a seat based upon rank at the round table.” He says, sighing at the end.

He watches them sit and realize how confused and unorganized they are.

This is going to be some work

He then goes and sits at the head of the table.

“Let me make some things clear before we get started. I understand the I have been gone for a year and that can be hard for any gang to withstand. No leader means that no one can help the gang move forward. I left someone in charge while I was gone,” he says, turning to give an eye to Lay, then turns to continue to look at them all. “however, I can tell that things haven’t progressed the way that I’d hoped. I want my gang, my empire to be strong, undefeated, and prepared. I recruited you all for different reasons, but I can see that you all don’t know why you’re here, so over the next two weeks, I’m going to train you guys, individually and in pairs, to show you why you’re here, why you are needed, and where you belong. We’ll get to every part of the building but right now, if someone attacked, we’d all die. That means it’s time to fix some things. It’s not going to be easy guys. Its going to be hard work, dedication, pain, but to grow, this is what must happen. My question is, will you guys, my eight men, let me train and lead you? If so stay seated, if not, please stand now because once we start, there is no backing out.” He finishes, looking at each member.

Each member has a look of confusion yet dedication; no one stood up.

“Boss, you have been gone for a year, but we have all stayed. If we wanted to leave, we had a year to do so. I think this is all the proof you need to know that we are here to stay, no matter what.” Said Kai

“Yeah boss, Kai is right. There is nowhere any of us would rather be, this is our home. We could only depend on each other while you were away, we’ve grown closer. We’re brothers and nothing, but death will take us away from each other.” Says Suho, with steely eyes.

As Kyungsoo looks around, he sees his men, the men he recruited a year ago sitting before him,ready to take on whatever is thrown at them, together, with his lead. His men, his brothers.

“Then lets begin” he said

All they waited on were the words that Kyungsoo uttered in this very moment to seal their fates in one.

Lets create an empire

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I was supposed to post this yesterday but i got sleepy, so I’m posting it now! From this point on out, the boys are going to get a wake up call and I hope that you guys enjoy it and actually read it! 

xM3x

[silvcrignis]

blackroseofhekate‌:

teaboot‌:

childoftheunwalkedway‌:

idonotraisecain‌:

teaboot‌:

God I fucking hate Olaf the snowman so fucking much holy shit. Holy shit, every frame he’s in, every scene, every gif, every jpeg, he’s got this painfully vacant, stupid as shit, fuckass look on his stupid lumpy face. 

Absolutely no part of his ugly as sin piece of shit character design is endearing. His stupid fucking legs? Who the hell makes a snowman with legs. His dumb flaily fucking twig arms? His shitty, lumpy bastard head? The three thousand percent unnecessary dumbass shitass fucking SNOW BUCK TOOTH that no snowman has EVER FUCKING HAD IN tHE HISTORY OF GOD’S GREEN FUCKING EARTH? 

God, I hate him. I hate him so much. So FUCKING much. Every time I see a stuffed toy Olaf or an Olaf gif or a shitty goddamn commercial, it ignites my primal rage response and I’m overcome by the need to punt this shitty little homunculus into the fucking sun. "Bhurr blur, I’m Olaf the fuckshit snow fucker, I like warm hugs”. Fuck you. Fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you. 

You look like Tow Mater summoned a patronus. Your dumb fucking twig hair makes your whole shitty head look like a hairy skin tag. I hate your dumb fucking lumpy carrot nose and your stupid, empty googly eyes and your over-the-top goofy ass upbeat asshole personality. 

Any scene he’s sad it invokes all the wrath and fury of a spoiled child having a meltdown over a chocolate bar in a w*lmart checkout line. 

And I know its irrational. That’s the worst part. I know he’s just a shitty fucking side character in a stupid fucking children’s movie, I know it doesn’t matter, I know I shouldn’t care. But that’s part of the problem. The part where no matter the might and fury of my hatred, the locus of my homicidal intent is alltogether inconsequential. 

I find myself laying awake in the dark in the early hours of the morning consumed by the spirit of Wrath itself, all the force and might of a flaming hurricane directed at a bottle of piss in a ditch by the highway. The absurdity of it all burns me to my core. What better things could this energy be directed towards? And yet my disdain for this stupid, useless, insubstantial failure of endearing character design utterly eclipses the intrigue of all other pursuits. 

I hate him. I hate him on a level of my mind reserved for the worst of the world’s array of sinners, and I can’t even begin to justify it. 

Shitstick the snow dick is, for all intents and purposes, the animated corpse of all of humanity’s saccharine pretenses- every condescending, passive-aggressive statement of meaningless upper middle class suburban drama distilled into a single, hateable form. 

The fucking. 

Fuck. 

I have no words. There is no cuss or epithet in any language that can encapsulate the height of the emotions I am experiencing. 

God, I hate him so much. I hate him so, so fucking much. I want to light his ugly little dumpster body on fire. I want to graphically beat him to death with his own stupid fucking nose. I want to punch him to death. 

You know that weird feeling you get, when you see a picture of something so cute you find yourself overcome with the bizarre, inexplicable urge to squeeze it? It’s EXACTLY like that, except instead of cuteness it’s disgust. 

The wordless knowledge that his existence as a fictional work is evidence of all the failures of mankind. I find myself possessed by the will of a Holy Angel gone rogue with the belief that God has made a mistake, and I alone must correct it. This is the trial by which Samael himself fell from grace. This wild, meaningless rage. A thousand blades of shining steel cast with inhuman force in the direction of a plastic grocery bag floating on a breeze. 

What horrors must I have committed in a past life to be plagued by this torment now? I must Unmake this fictional snowman

holy shit you’re not wrong

I’d feel better about this whole rant if Olaf weren’t queer-coded. It might be largely the voice acting – the lisp, the inflection especially – but he’s got massive “harmless gay sidekick” vibes. And if you’re actively critiquing that? Sure, great, go all out. Hate whom you will. Say whatever you want about how “gay” is equated with “harmless silly sidekick used for comic relief, with no serious bearing on the plot, literally inhuman and treated by Serious Human Characters as… well,a sidekick, peripheral to your life and safe to ignore.

But if you’re not engaging critically with that aspect of his character and are just overwhelmed with hatred whenever you see or hear or think about the queer-coded character and his mannerisms make you feel violent, that is a little bit. Uncomfortable. At best.

what on God’s green earth are you talking about

i had an aneurysm reading op and then the cold take of “olaf is queer coded” sent me to a morgue

[babiewonho]

KSJDIXJDJSJ CHLOE UR SO FUNNY EVERY TIME I READ UR TAGS I CRACK A SMILE OR SOMETIMES I STRAIGHT UP SNORT BC ... it's rly ... so funny?? i was gonna ask u to talk abt ur faves bc i.. actually have no idea who ur bias is but it's 5am so maybe answer this tomorrow??? i love u have a good sleep pls!!

STOP this is so so sweet and cute?? im Touched?? enoug h,, LMAO okay so apparently i’m tricky like that…please i love all my children rly all seven…or at least i assume u mean in mx! i’m a wonhobebe but hyungwon…treads closesly behind him. :( please i love wonho so much i’m not sure when the moment was where i Realized i loved him but he’s soo lovely in every way he really has such a beautiful big heart inside of him…first of all! i love his laugh so much i Also have a loud goofy ass laugh so like solidarity…his laugh makes  me so happie!! 

he’s so smiley n happy n cute all the time and he’s gentle and funny and he’s like a puppy he just always wants 2 play…literallywhwnever i see him my heart just grows ten sizes so it can accomodate all my love for him and he’s so talented…a workaholic and he dances so well n he’s not as technically skilled in singing as kihyun or shownu but i find his voice rly beautiful and soothing even when he’s just talking,,he’s just very affectionate and Himself all the time and i rly love how he just like…is Soft and loves his mama and is in touch with his emotions and gives so much love back to monbebes like? King of loving ur fans..we receive as much as we give and he’s also so inclusive like all the times he’s said i love you to guy fans even if other ppl [KEVIN] have been like woah….no homo…

HIS HEART IS SO BIG he doesn’t even like to kill bugs or hit the other members as a penalty when it’s just like some brisk claps on the back…he’s just a sweet lovable baby like don’t get me wrong he’s a grown man and everything but like…that’s my baby..he deserves a lot of love and i always hope he receives that from the people around him..

also he’s a water sign with a lisp and so am i?? like…this fucking Solidarity i honestly have a great time listening 2 him talk n watching him talk bc…he has tongue thrust n me too and it’s basically when ur tongue protrudes a little bit past ur teeth idk if u can see his tongue just pressing up against his teeth in this pic..but i noticed it a lot in this interview it’s honestly kinda weird that i pay that much attention but i think linguistics and why people talk the way they talk is rly interesting skafjasf but so like that’s part of why he talks so soft with tongue thrust you pronounce aspirated sounds rly soft for example i love him so much he’s so cute that’s also why he tends to say words that end with an like “-nth” like “ramyeonth” or “jooheonth” also side note whenever someone say something like interrupts him or roasts him he goes EXCUSE ME  and it’s so funny to me kajfs

secondably i’ll talk abt my Other Man hyungwon briefly bc i’ve already talked too much but ksafjasf hyungwon, in contrast to wonho’s baby charms has like a different appeal to me like a Mature one but i also love that even while having that kind of impression on me he can have fun and be just as silly with the others any time that’s soo cute and funny to me it just seems like he thinks rly deeply abt a lot of things and is very mature n has a good perspective…

i also rly like that one counselling session vid he did i love that so much there was so much good advice in that and i like that he’ll really defend himself in a fight if he has to or cut ppl off i think those are rly commendable social skills and then like aside from that he’s so funny and he’s an excellent dancer whose only real obstacle imo is just feeling awkward occasionally onstage which he’s mostly gotten over he’s honestly so talented and i find his singing rly impressive and beautiful n i’d love for them to utilize more of his ability to hit some lower notes but honestly whenever his part in a song comes on i drop everything i’m doing to listen he’s so good…and he’s so soft with maknae line like he’s always more affectionate than i think he is even though i should know by now ..and the way he cant stop laughing once he stops is so precious akfjsaf 

also once again bc i pay too much attention to how ppl speak like…he talks in a very like slurred way like a tired old man kind of and he like…gargles on his ㄱ sound but NOT when he’s singing which is interesting to me and he also speaks kinda old fashioned like in korean which is so funny sakfjasf he rly thinks he’s a whole grandpa and just like that whole thing he does where he uses the korean word for friend to refer to inanimate objects skfjasf that’s the Peak of comedy?? ANYWAYS im done now i wrote way too much thank you for asking this was so sweet of you?? i owe you my Life

[jinjikook]

Sugar Sweet | 5 | (M) [Discontinued]

word count: 5.4k

genre: lots of smut + fluff + slight angst; college AU + fuckboy!kihyun

pairing: reader/kihyun

summary: your best friend & roommate changkyun just wanted to help get you laid. instead you found solace in a pink haired man named kihyun who had a smart mouth with sharp words you weren’t afraid to let cut you, as long as he didn’t mind you hurting him a little too.

a/n: i’m so sorry for the wait guys! work has been stressing me lately along with some personal issues but i appreciate your guy’s patience. the next chapter will already be written out but requests will be taken care of before i post the next so please continue to be patient until then and check the schedule if you’re wondering about it.

part 1 | part 2 | part 3 | part 4 | part 6 | part 7 

masterlist

Kihyun practically dragged you out to the parking lot, the gray stone stacked lot looking simultaneously barren and populated. It seemed like there was far too many cars here, ranging from reds to silvers to blinding whites. How Kihyun even remembered where he left his car, especially since its small size and dark color seemed to blend in amongst the others, was a mystery to you.

He turned back with his hand still locked with your own, his bright smile still goofy on his face. You couldn’t help but smile in return, his excitement over your request a tad too cute for the content you had actually asked for. But this was Kihyun, and things with him were always topsy-turvy and upside down. You’ve learned that nothing makes any damn sense with him and it’s totally okay because you’re in for the wild ride he’d already strapped you in from the get-go.

In no time he had you up against the driver’s side door of his sleek black car, the luxury vehicle sturdy behind your back as he brought you in for a passionate kiss. His hands found their way back your waist, in a similar fashion to when you first greeted him when you arrived earlier. Except this time he was allowed to let his hands roam freely, nothing stopping him from touching where he pleased. There was no game, no rules; no false pretentions to hide behind and useless reasons as to why his tongue snaked into your mouth as his hands firmly grasped your ass. Nothing stopping you from wrapping your arms around his neck and pulling him in deeper. You were damn sure this was more than you ever bargained for with him but at this point, you couldn’t find yourself caring for one second.

Instead, you poured your focus in the lethal amount of lust you felt coursing through your veins, your high from before coming back in full force, evident after not getting your own pleasure after taking care of Kihyun in the photo booth. Pulling back, you watched as Kihyun tried to chase your mouth, still panting and mouth slick with your shared spit.

“We can’t do this out here Kihyun,” You breathily laughed, feeling your hands mindlessly playing with the locks of hair at the nape of Kihyun’s neck. The light, feathery wisps in your fingers feeling much like the sweet treat you had aptly named him earlier.

“You’re right,” He started, chuckling against your mouth as his hands dropped from your body. It left you feeling cold and clammy but you knew you were the one who put a halt on the lip-lock. After all, it wasn’t like you two could actually do what you wanted right there against the car. You stepped forward and away from the car, watching as he pulled his keys out of his jean pockets.

(An unfair aspect that only seems to exist in male clothing lines: functioning pockets)

He approached the car door and you were expecting him to pull open the driver’s door so he could step in and drive you two off to wherever you were to do the “deed”. But before you could start to make your way around to the other side of the car, you feel a hand pull on your wrist and make you turn around to face him. Kihyun had the back door held open for you, the hand that had pulled you now gesturing for you to get in the back.

“Uh, Kihyun can I not sit in the passenger seat?” You asked, stepping on your tip toes to peer into the car and see if maybe he had something in the seat that made it so you had to sit in the back like he was your chauffeur or something. He chuckled low and shook his head, not saying anything more other than more clearly gesturing for you to listen to him and get in the car. You furrowed your eyebrows but ultimately listened to him, ducking your head as you stepped into the backseat.

You were certainly not expecting a hot body to follow after you, the door closing behind him as Kihyun slid in right next to you. Kihyun lunged forward to continue the kiss you had abruptly cut off, effectively muffling all protests you had against his mouth.

His hand snaked up your thigh, already reaching the bottom hem of your underwear. You were glad you took the time to pick out a pretty pair, despite the fact you knew Kihyun would be ripping them off in no time, most likely not even caring about what color or style they were. His hot mouth left yours to latch itself against your neck, your heady pulse against the harsh laps of his tongue. He’d nibble along the column of your throat while his digits continued to tease around your panties.

With your mouth now free of the leech that was Yoo Kihyun’s eager mouth, you were free to finally voice your opinion on the situation. “Ki, wait—“ You tried to speak but Kihyun’s roaming hands and filthy mouth were making your own dry at the feeling of his perfect teeth against the skin of your neck. “We can’t do this here, we’re in public,”

Kihyun only responded with a low rumble against your throat, his hand now fully cupping your sex as he rubbed the dampness of your underwear with his palm. The sensations were long awaited, the constant teasing from today making you tremble at the slightest of touches, let alone full-fledged contact.

“Don’t care. Can’t wait.” He mumbled as he delved his digits past the waistband of your underwear, fingers dipping into your dripping core. You gasped at his fingers at your entrance, slowly tracing patterns against your folds. “So wet, all for me.” He sucked harshly on your collarbone, no doubt leaving behind a hickey that would last for a few days. His fingers confidently brushed against you, pressure increasing as the heated seconds passed in the car.

“Kihyun, we don’t have much time. Please,” You weren’t sure exactly what you were begging for but soon Kihyun’s fingers were out of your underwear and he was already tugging them off your legs. You let him slip the light pink pair down your legs, watching as Kihyun took them in for a moment before returning his focus on you. There was something about the pairs of underwear you wore that seemed to catch Kihyun’s attention but you decided not to dwell on the fact, already having Kihyun manhandling you into a new position in the backseat.

Soon he was laying on his back with your still dressed body straddling his chest. You self-consciously thought about making his shirt dirty with the lack of underwear on you so you lifted your hips to hover over him instead.

“Don’t stress about that baby, you’re gonna be on my mouth in a second anyways.” Kihyun slurred, hands already resting on your hips as he situated himself more comfortably before tapping the skin under his hands, a silent signal for you to move up. You hesitated for a moment, worry crossing your features at the idea of being so… exposed. You had never done this with a partner before, only having thought of it every now and again when you were with them.

Kihyun sensed your anxiety bubbling from the proximity and slowly traced patterns on your hips, trying to soothe the fear away.

“Hey, it’s okay, it’s just me. I know I haven’t my mouth on you before but I want this. I really want this.” He accentuated his words with a lick of his lips, already anticipating the weight of you on his tongue; the sweet taste he’s been chasing for days now. He tugged on the meat of your hips, a silent beckoning to come over his mouth. You still hesitated, watching as Kihyun’s eyes were already beginning to trail over the skin of your thighs to land where your dripping core was under your dress. His eyes flickered up for a moment, catching yours in a piercing gaze and it only made you want him more; so much so that you finally gave up the walls you were trying to put up and placed yourself right over his face. He had a direct view of you now, front row seat to all the fun.  

“Don’t be afraid baby girl, I’ll take good care of you.” Those were the last words you had heard from Kihyun’s mouth before he forced your hips to lower, his tongue darting out to caress your folds. The sensation made you jerk in his iron-like grip. He didn’t let up, even amongst your squirming. If anything, it made his actions that much more pronounced against you. His tongue flattened and probed on your core, your juices flowing freely onto his mouth and chin. It sounded absolutely depraved, lewd wet smacks echoing in the small vehicle as you held onto the door handle for dear life.

Kihyun growled against your sex, the vibrations making you quiver in ways you didn’t even think were possible but were still euphoric nonetheless. He released his grip on your waist and instead let his hands rest in-between your thighs, where he tugged slightly to open up your legs more to give him even more access to you. You couldn’t help but succumb to everything he was doing to you, the sheer pleasure overwhelming you more than you’ve ever felt during sex before.

His mouth pulled off you for a mere moment, letting you take steady gulps of air before his heavy lisp rolled off his tongue as he began to speak, “You know… the whole point of ‘face riding’ is for you to move your hips against my tongue.” He chuckled and smiled at you from underneath your form. You were still panting heavily, trying to put all your wits together but here he was with his stupid perfect smile and your juices glistening on his too pretty lips and you just wanted to shut him up.

So you did.

You lowered yourself onto him, cautious not to suffocate the poor guy (though the thought crossed your mind for a hot second), and you moaned at the wet contact of his tongue returning to your molten core. He returned to laving your folds with furious laps of his tongue, as if he hadn’t stopped in the first place. Finally taking initiative, you gripped the door hard and began to roll your hips against his face, gauging his reactions to make sure he wasn’t dying or anything while you were dripping down his chin. Based on the fact that he was going to town on you as if you were his last meal, you figured he didn’t mind the now constant pressure of your weight against his mouth so you continued to grind against him.

His nose continually brushed against your clit with every forward motion, making you chase after it every time you pulled back and lost the pressure against the nub. Kihyun’s fingers tightened on your thighs as he tried to push his tongue in further, getting inside you properly and roaming the muscle with his tongue.  You tried to tamp down the noises coming from you, knowing full and well that his car was most likely not soundproof. But Kihyun wasn’t having that, hand coming up only to sharply smack against the meat of your inner thigh. The pain was stinging your skin yet it only made your hips circle more on top of him. Swiveling around his skillful tongue, you groan at his muscle prodding at a particularly sensitive spot, brushing against it with purpose.

It was damn malicious, the way he was able to use his tongue like a weapon against you.

You leaned back and rested your hands on his abdomen, feeling the muscles underneath his shirt tightening with every thrust of your hips. It seemed like all of this turned Kihyun on as well, his hard on already coming back for a second round. Letting your head roll back, you positioned one of your hands over his bulge and massaged the hardened muscle, relishing in the muffled moans that came from your wet core as Kihyun tried to put his focus on his tongue despite the very obvious distraction that came from you pawing at him.

You breathily laughed at how weak he was for you, shamelessly moaning inside you as you continued to stroke him over his jeans. He took this as an insult and began to sharply jab you with his tongue as his hands pried your thighs even further apart. The added stimulation made your hips stutter against him, your sudden onslaught of intense pleasure making you double over. He didn’t let up even as you tugged at his hair to slow down. You took a moment and noticed just how pretty the pink looked underneath you, in-between your legs. If you weren’t currently being eaten out like last night’s dinner, you’d find it sweet and would probably run your hands gently through the fluffy pink.

But Kihyun was currently sucking away at your sweet juices, groaning against you about just how good you tasted. Your hips had a mind of their own at this point, jerking and circling at their own pace as you chased the high you didn’t know you were teetering on. Kihyun smacked your thigh again and you moved your hand to the leg of Kihyun’s jeans, knowing you were about to come and you’d dig your nails into the first thing you could. And you were sure that Kihyun would not appreciate you scraping his dick with your fingernails.

Moans trickled out of your parted lips as Kihyun pulled you taut against him, not wanting to lose a drop of your precious nectar. You shook in his hold from the overstimulation, crying out as his lips suckled around your clit torturously. He released you with a wet smack of his lips; you moved down to rest on his shoulders, watching as your glistening release glazed Kihyun’s pouted pink lips and chin. His tongue darted out to catch all the flavor that remained on his lips, satisfied groans coming out of him like a man starved. He kissed your thigh and you whimpered at the sight of the stringy, viscous come that connected his mouth to your skin.

“Baby girl, you taste better than I could’ve ever imagined. Do you see how hard you made me? How hard I got from you humping my face and coming on my tongue?” Kihyun spoke, still breathless but his voice rang lower than normal, almost raspy in a way.

You looked back and noticed just how strained the crotch of his jeans were, and you wanted nothing more than to sit on the hot length that was just under those clothes. Instead of outright asking, you slipped the front button open and tugged the zipper down, ignoring Kihyun’s voice at the back of your mind. Pulling him out from the confines of his jeans, you waste no time in sliding down to plant your ass just in front of his standing length. Knowing Kihyun at this point, you knew he had a condom handy already so you reached into his pocket and pulled out the square foil. Shooting him a knowing smirk, he only smiled and shrugged; it was clear how tonight was going to go so he had wanted to be prepared. Though he hadn’t expected things to go down like this, especially not so early in the evening.

Kihyun leans up on both elbows and watches in awe as you stroke him to full hardness and slipped on the condom before guiding him to your soaked core. You grind against the hot muscle a few times, coating it in your slick before you promptly lifted your hips and put the tip at your entrance. Slowly lowering yourself on his cock, your face contorts in a mix of pleasure and delicious pain—from both the stretch and the overstimulation from already coming once.

Kihyun simply held onto your hips for dear life, already laying back down against the back seat. Before you could move anymore, Kihyun asked to switch the position and soon he was no longer horizontal on the backseat but instead seated normally, with his spine against the back of the seat and his head lolled back on the headrest. You were straddling him, his length fully sheathed inside of you. Kihyun had his feet planted on the carpeted floor of his car, watching with lidded eyes as you slowly rode him.

You were already so tight around him, hiccupping moans as you picked up the pace. Your oversensitivity from coming once already only made you tighter, your walls already slick and hot around his member. Kihyun panted heavily as he saw your beautiful body sliding up and down on his cock, the sensational feeling of your hot sex around him making his biceps tense.

Kihyun already knew he wouldn’t last long, the taste of you on his tongue enough to bring him close to coming already. So he took control and fucked up into you, watching as you submitted into his grip and let it happen.

“Ki…” You moaned, breath hot against his neck as you tucked your face there, “Don’t—ah, fuck—stop.” Not like he was planning to anyways, he pistoned up into you even harder. The sound of skin slapping skin rang all through the interior of the car as Kihyun tugged at your hair. It pulled your head back for enough to give Kihyun access to the smooth skin there; he made sure to leave a mark or two as he bit along the column of your throat.

Unable to keep your composure, you moaned loudly as Kihyun’s thick length dragged against every nerve inside you, making you see white with every powerful thrust.

Kihyun hissed as he felt the band inside him snapping; his very resolve crumbling as your walls hugged him even tighter, if that was even possible. “Baby, I’m gonna… I can’t hold back. Please, I need to—“

“Come, come for me Kihyunie,” You urged him on, feeling more than seeing him come undone. He growled against you, fingers bruising as the grip on your hips only got tighter while he snapped his hips up in a few more powerful strokes.

It took only one, two, three more quick and harsh slaps against your already reddening ass to have Kihyun coming undone, melodic voice keening high into your ear as you held on for the ride, impending second orgasm crashing over you to make you feel euphoric alongside Kihyun, whether you wanted to or not.

You sat there for a few heartbeats, your breaths intermingling in the steamy interior of the car. Kihyun panted hard against your neck, small whimpers trailing behind every puff of breath on the skin. If you weren’t so spent, you were sure the sounds and atmosphere would make you ready to go another round. His lips smacked by your ear and you processed that he was heavily licking his lips, no doubt feeling parched after the intense work out between the two of you.

“Baby?” His now small and raspy voice chimed out, sounding unfamiliar to your trained ears. You could only mumble in response, still reeling at the feeling of his softening cock inside you. “–good?”

The first half of his question was murmured against your skin, syllables and consonants tangling against one another. Luckily you were smart enough to get what he was asking and nodded against him, feeling as he shifted underneath you. Hissing at the feeling of the raw skin of your ass coming into contact with his thighs, Kihyun slowly slipped out of you and sat you back down on the meat of his thighs.  You watched as he scrunched his eyes shut, still not having removed the condom that was full with his release and snug around his soft length.

If you had half a sense of artistic creativity, you’d take a picture of sight in front of you:

Kihyun sprawled in the back of his car, mouth agape and bitten red, glistening as his breaths puffed out of him in a non-specific rhythm that still seemed to be regular enough to match the unsteady undulating of your hearts. His soft, dark lashes fanned over his cheekbones; his face covered in a thin but still gorgeous sheen of sweat that provided him with the best after-sex glow. You felt a twinge of jealousy, a small pang in your gut that he could still be so stunning even after working his body so hard.

If only you could look half as gorgeous as him, you’d never worry about your visage ever again.

His eyes slowly opened, looking like he was a model submerged in crystal clear waters as each individual lash dragged up until his lids were at half-mast. His eyes were still dark and full, as if they were still clouded with lust but you could clearly see the light from the indoor parking-lot gleaming off the dark brown irises.

He smiled softly, looking simultaneously smug and sweet at the same time. It was a clear definition of him; so confident and yet so humble all wrapped together in the most lovely wrapping any god could put him in. It made you want to tear him apart, to see inside. But you also wanted to slowly pick at the paper, tug gently at the ribbon that held his sanity together and unveil what made him tick, what made him so unbelievably irresistible.

“You…” He began, his voice still wrecked but laced with a dulcet honey cream that vibrated your ribcage with every low rumble of it.

“Me?” You interrupted, watching in awe at his soft pink tongue as it wet his lips for the umpteenth time since he’d opened his eyes.

“You are just stunning; the most beautiful woman I’ve ever laid eyes on.” He couldn’t stop the next words from rolling off his tongue, blaming the sex for giving him such loose reins on the offending muscle, “Be mine.”

His words made you stop, feeling like your heart literally lurched forward and froze all at the same time. Had you heard right? There was no way the Yoo Kihyun wanted you to be his, to be claimed by him and only him. He was delusional; mad even.

You could only pant out breathless laughter, the sound coming across as bitter even to yourself.

“You don’t believe me?” Kihyun asked, his voice sounding awfully sad, as if he truly had real emotions, real feelings for you. “Y/N, I… I’ve never felt so strongly like this before. It’s not just the sex—which is completely and totally amazing by the way, thank you for ruining it for everyone else—but it’s you, baby girl; you drive me wild and make me want to pull my hair our but at the same time, all I want is to be by your side and kiss you and hold you and fuck you and—“

His long and over-emotional tangent it brought to a screeching halt by the sound of knuckles knocking on the car window. The clear panel was currently fogged up but the steaming breaths of the two of you from your previous fun so you couldn’t see out who it was.

Kihyun was going to let whoever it was just leave, opting to stay still and quiet and hope they don’t dawdle but then another set of knocks—harder this time—followed by a low and muffled mall security made the two of your sets of eyes bug out. Had you two really caused this much of disturbance?

Kihyun called out that it’d be just a second and helped you pull back your panties in place. Tying off the condom, he grimaced at the sticky come that had trickled down over him since he hadn’t removed the condom straight away. You would’ve licked him clean had there not been a more pressing issue at hand. He sighed and tucked himself away anyways, hoping he’d get out of situation soon enough to get home and shower before anything stuck or stained.

Kihyun stepped out first, giving you the option to stay inside and let him face the music or have you brave the storm alongside him. Already making the decision to be with him through thick or thin, you grabbed his hand and stepped out onto the concrete floor of the lot.

You hadn’t looked up yet, not wanting to face the shame that was no doubt plastered onto your face from being caught being intimate in a public—albeit somewhat still private—setting.

You were sure you were going to get chewed out, reprimanded and probably tossed out. Maybe even banned from the mall itself or possibly fined for public indecency. You’re caught by surprise when you hear Kihyun outright laugh the minute his eyes meet the officer’s.

“Fuck me, are you serious Yoongi?” Kihyun chittered, and you’re met with the soft yet still stern eyes of the officer whom Kihyun referred to as ‘Yoongi’.

His uniform was clearly overzealous for a mall cop, looking more like something for a captain or chief at an actual police station, complete with the brimmed hat and gold adornments. He looked the part, certainly, if it wasn’t for the bored look plastered on his eyes matched with a knowing smirk on his mouth.

A walking contradiction, one could say at the very least.

“Kihyun, what a pleasure to see you. And what a pleasure it certainly is to meet…” Yoongi paused as his eyes searched yours, an air of mischief swirling in his brown eyes that made you think there was more to this man than just his career.

“Y/N.” You meekly responded, feeling small under his calculating stare and hungry smile. It was almost like he had wanted to devour you himself, wishing it was he who had gotten a taste of what you’d given Kihyun in the car. It made you realize how he wasn’t as creepy as you should’ve thought, mostly due to how young he actually looked. He couldn’t be much older than you or Kihyun, despite the high status his uniform entailed.

“Y/N, have the displeasure of meeting Min Yoongi. He’s an ass but he’s an old friend, we go way back.” Kihyun turned to you, referring to the apparent person of authority with such a casual air, it almost gave you whiplash. “He’s nothing to worry about, just a mall cop with nothing better to do but creep on cars and horny teenagers.”

Yoongi smiled, full on smiled at the insinuation. He chuckled and you noticed how gummy and almost cute his smile was, if it wasn’t paired with such sharp eyes that made you anxious, you’d find it enthralling.  

“C’mon Yoo, don’t sell me like that. I do real work here at the mall, I’m even the captain here. At least, that’s what my script says. Truth be told, I’m bored as all fuck and I got tired of the snotty white soccer moms coming to me and telling me there’s a couple getting it on in parking lot B, level 2.” He flashed his pearly whites to you and waggled his eyebrows pointedly, “If it was up to me, I’d have let you guys kept going. Though I did let Kihyun come after what felt like fucking forever. Dude, learn how to come faster.” He directed his words back to Kihyun and you were utterly confused as to who to respect in this moment.

Yoongi was supposed to be a man of uniform, to uphold some kind of law or honor code but here he was admitted how he really was here because of petty annoyance more than anything else, and he’d still let you two finish what you’d started.

Was this guy serious?

“Alright you’ve had your fun, can we go now?” Kihyun sighed, seemingly tired of the conversation already.

“Well, technically, you guys did break some sort of law here. So I should perform some sort of punishment, right?” Yoongi drawled, his naturally slow voice dragging by every syllable.

“You aren’t going to ban us, I’m the only one who ever brings you food other than Hobi.” Kihyun smirked as he thought he had Yoongi by the neck, already reaching for his keys to open up his driver door.

“Not so fast Yoo, I never said I’d be banning you guys. No, you need a more… modern punishment.” Both you and Kihyun raised your eyebrows, suspicious and curious glances meeting one another as you awaited for Yoongi to finish.

“You have to give up your pretty lady for a night, at Jin’s party tonight.” This caught Kihyun’s attention, his jaw dropping at Yoongi’s ‘punishment’.

Before you could even muster up a word to combat anything, your pink-haired companion was already on the ball, “Uh-uh, nope, no way, not happening. I don’t trust you Min, within an inch of your life.” Kihyun nearly seethed, his eyes shrinking to slits as he squinted suspiciously.

“C’mon Ki, live a little. Not like you’re the kind of guy to commit, right?”

This made you realize how right Yoongi was; Kihyun wasn’t the relationship type. He’d find a good fuck, make use of them while he could and dropped them before any feelings could sprout. But he was doing a bad job with you, seeing as your feelings betrayed every moral your mind screamed out in favor of falling for the sarcastic young man.

Kihyun hadn’t responded to Yoongi’s insinuation, eyes dropping as it seemingly came to a halt for him too. What you two were doing, it was wrong. It was structurally unsound, bound to fall apart in a grand mess sooner or later. You two were like a house of cards, stacked precariously on top of one another; impending coasting breeze meant to destroy the fragile home you had built with your broken and sore palms. It was all a show, never meant to become something real. Every kiss, text, touch; all false actions with hidden bad intentions.

“Well tough luck, looks like I am now.” Kihyun’s voice broke you out of your guttered thoughts. He stood with his head held high and you realized he had now held a firm grip around your waist, claiming you as his in front of another. You’d realize at a later time that it was the first time it was ever admitted in the open air, in front of another.

He turned and gave you a small smile, his sickeningly straight teeth sending your heart into cardiac arrest from the palpitations you felt as they shined in your direction.

This could work you thought, you two were both broken and strange and in this for all the wrong reasons but clearly you two couldn’t care less. All caution was thrown to the wind as you smiled back and rested your hand on his chest. Yoongi’s eyes shifted between the two of you, smirk dying down to a flat line. It seemed like he was unimpressed, like this was a charade he’d put up before.

Kihyun had said Yoongi was a longtime friend, he’d know Kihyun better than anyone. Maybe he was right, he knew of the front that Kihyun was currently putting up. But at this point, you were already braced for the inevitable; the hurt that was sure to come from loving Yoo Kihyun and all his sugar sweet smiles laced with spices that made your lips tingle and itch to leap forward and capture his between your own.

You were never good at denying temptation, and you weren’t about to change now.

You shot forward and kissed him hard, not caring that he wasn’t responding due to the shock of it. Maybe this was fake, maybe you were never meant for a happy ending.

But happy endings were for fairy tales and despite the regal appearance of Kihyun, you knew this was the harsh reality the world had to offer. And you gladly took this measly offering, in hope that the short span you get to have with Kihyun would mask the pain that would follow once he left you like he left everyone else.

Yoongi scoffed and waved you two off, leaving you to stay locked in his embrace in the dimly-lit parking lot.

This was your small paradise, anywhere with Kihyun. Little did you know, your vacation was about to be shorter lived than you ever would’ve assumed.

[tea-and-toblerones]

I hijacked this.

1: Name:: Deanna 2: Age:: 24 3: 3 Fears:: spiders, being told I love you when they really don't, utter failure 4: 3 things I love:: Video games, music and art 5: 4 turns on:: Dorkiness, awkwardness, kindness and a sense of humor 6: 4 turns off:: flip floppy behavior, narcissism, arrogance, and thinking yo ass is better than everyone else. 7: My best friend:: @bestiejessie 8: Sexual orientation:: Hetro, but with an appreciation for the female form 9: My best first date:: pff, I'll let you know when that happens, yeah? I've never really been taken out 10: How tall am I:: 5′7" 11: What do I miss:: being as carefree as I was 12: What time were I born:: Monday, August 24, 1992 at 9:18 PM 13: Favourite color:: Red. Blood red. 14: Do I have a crush:: My heart only poops it's pants for celebs and fictional characters at the mo'. It's easier that way. 15: Favourite quote:: “I may be an asshole, but I'm not a 100% Dick" Peter "Star Lord" Quill 16: Favourite place:: By the water. On the water. Floating in the water. I love water. 17: Favourite food:: PIZZA IS LIFEEEEE 18: Do I use sarcasm:: Nah mate, not at all. 19: What am I listening to right now:: The Final Fantasy VII Soundtrack 20: First thing I notice in new person:: eyes, scent, timbre of voice, and their vibe 21: Shoe size:: 8 22: Eye color:: gunsteel blue 23: Hair color:: medium brown. For now. 24: Favourite style of clothing:: Grunge queen in the fall/winter Cute and lacy in the spring/summer 25: Ever done a prank call?:: not that I'm aware. I have terrible anxiety 27: Meaning behind my URL:: I just love tea and toblerones mate. 28: Favourite movie:: Howl's Moving Castle 29: Favourite song:: Yellow by Coldplay 30: Favourite band:: Imagine Dragons 31: How I feel right now:: Chill/excited 32: Someone I love:: EVERYONE. Cept for one single person. 33: My current relationship status:: Emotionally attached to a fictional character cos I'm trash. That answers that, eh? 34: My relationship with my parents:: Me and my mam are tight. My dad...nah mate, not so much. 35: Favourite holiday:: HALLOWEEN BITCHES! 36: Tattoos and piercing I have:: My gauges. 37: Tattoos and piercing I want:: Sylleblossoms and a sword from FFX, Calcifer from Howl's Moving Caste, a sea scape, trees, a dragon... 38: The reason I joined Tumblr:: I needed an Ed outlet before my friends murdered me. 39: Do I and my last ex hate each other?:: He cut his face open to be more like Ed so I would take him back. I don't hate anyone, but that boy is pretty damn close to it. 40: Do I ever get “good morning” or “good night ” texts?:: My brother texts me WAKE UP from time to time. Do those count? 41: Have I ever kissed the last person you texted?:: Texted, yeah. Messaged, nah, just licked their face. 42: When did I last hold hands?:: romantically? Last year. In general? Last night. 43: How long does it take me to get ready in the morning?:: pff what is this morning you speak of? 44: Have You shaved your legs in the past three days?:: Sure have. 45: Where am I right now?:: In the FFXV/Ed trash heap where I belong. 46: If I were drunk & can’t stand, who’s taking care of me?:: Jessie if they're not already passed out. 47: Do I like my music loud or at a reasonable level? :: loud 48: Do I live with my Mom and Dad? :: unfortunately 49: Am I excited for anything?:: THIS WEEKEND 50: Do I have someone of the opposite sex I can tell everything to?:: yes 51: How often do I wear a fake smile?:: 25% of the time? Ish 52: When was the last time I hugged someone?:: earlier today 53: What if the last person I kissed was kissing someone else right in front of me?:: I be surprised he grew a spine and kissed a girl other than me, but that's about it. Probably cheer him on. Get him a drink. I'm such a bro 54: Is there anyone I trust even though I should not?:: nah mate, I hardly trust anyone 55: What is something I disliked about today?:: almost falling outta a chair cos I fell asleep 56: If I could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be?:: Ed Sheeran 57: What do I think about most?:: that I'm trapped in a stagnate place and I'll never get free from it. 58: What’s my strangest talent?:: I can remember exactly how people/ feel. Like their skin and whatnot, like I'm physically touching them, but im not. And their scent and their voice. And their eyes. Is that a talent? 59: Do I have any strange phobias?:: the snuggle bear creeps me the fuck out. 60: Do I prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it?:: behind 61: What was the last lie I told?:: that I was gonna go to bed early. Does it count if it's to yourself? 62: Do I perfer talking on the phone or video chatting online?:: video chatting cos I have a fear that people can't understand what I'm saying due to the fact I used to have an impediment with a lisp so at least they can read my lips. 63: Do I believe in ghosts? How about aliens? :: sure do. Seen em. Felt em. Have one thats attached to me. He's cool. Chases away the bad stuff. And yeah this universe is way to big for us to be the only ones 64: Do I believe in magic?:: yep 65: Do I believe in luck?:: very much so 66: What’s the weather like right now?:: kinda coldish? But not terrible (I'm horrible at judging how cold it is. I never wear a jacket) 67: What was the last book I’ve read?:: King Killer Chronicles 68: Do I like the smell of gasoline?:: I'm weird so of course I do 69: Do I have any nicknames?:: Nanna (which I always go by) 70: What was the worst injury I’ve ever had?:: um, well one of my insides got very angry with me and hurt and I couldn't move and was fevered and puking and made my back hurt. I was too stubborn to go get checked out so I dunno what happened but it got better on its own. 71: Do I spend money or save it?:: both. Usually save though 72: Can I touch my nose with a tounge?:: I've got quite the long tongue, I can actually stick it up my nose if I tried. (Drunk me has) 73: Is there anything pink in 10 feets from me?:: Not that I can see 74: Favourite animal?:: Foxes, Ravens, and raccoons 75: What was I doing last night at 12 AM?:: Partying with my ladies getting ready to bar hop with the band 76: What do I think is Satan’s last name is?:: Morningstar. He owns a nightclub called Lux in LA. 77: What’s a song that always makes me happy when I hear it?:: Thrift Shop 78: How can you win my heart?:: by being an adorable awkward dorky nerd like me 79: What would I want to be written on my tombstone?:: something utterly ridiculous probably 80: What is my favorite word? :: probably a swear. 81: My top 5 blogs on tumblr @weareedsobfg (imma cheat too) @ferskendag, @tenerife-lucy @lordedsheeran, uh....I'm sure there's more I'm forgetting 82: If the whole world were listening to me right now, what would I say? :: pterodactyl noises and arm flaps cos social anxiety 83: Do I have any relatives in jail?:: it would be quicker to list the ones that weren't. 84: I accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow me with the super-power of my choice! What is that power?:: the power of imagination (whatever I can imagine happens) 85: What would be a question I’d be afraid to tell the truth on?:: How do you feel 86: What is my current desktop picture?:: A picture of graveyard I took in New Orleans 87: Had sex?:: yeah 88: Bought condoms?:: yeah 89: Gotten pregnant?:: no 90: Failed a class?:: math. All the math 91: Kissed a boy?:: yeah 92: Kissed a girl?:: yeah 93: Have I ever kissed somebody in the rain?:: I have in the snow 94: Had job?:: yeah had job 95: Left the house without my wallet?:: almost everytime 96: Bullied someone on the internet?:: Nah mate 97: Had sex in public?:: Sure have 98: Played on a sports team?:: INDOOR PERCUSSION BITCHES 99: Smoked weed?:: Not smoked it, but had some pretty delicious banana nut pot bread. 100: Did drugs?:: besides the pot bread, nah mate 101: Smoked cigarettes?:: No 102: Drank alcohol?:: Oh yeah 103: Am I a vegetarian/vegan?:: Once upon a time 104: Been overweight?:: very much so 105: Been underweight?:: when I was born 106: Been to a wedding?:: I've been to so many 107: Been on the computer for 5 hours straight?:: ALL DAY, ERRYDAY 108: Watched TV for 5 hours straight?:: I'm a binge watching mofo 109: Been outside my home country?:: no but I wanna 110: Gotten my heart broken?:: yeah 111: Been to a professional sports game?:: Yes and I don't even like sports. 112: Broken a bone?:: surprisingly no 113: Cut myself?:: all the time on accident 114: Been to prom?:: no, I was the weird loner outsider kid. You know the one. 115: Been in airplane?:: Sure have 116: Fly by helicopter? :: no but I've been in one 117: What concerts have I been too?:: Alice Cooper and Watch Them Rot 118: Had a crush on someone of the same sex?:: Kinda ish. 119: Learned another language?:: I used to know a lil Spanish but now, not so much 120: Wore make up?:: every time I leave the house even though I don't need it anymore cos I got my eczema under control (the miracle of aloe yall) 121: Lost my virginity before I was 18?:: Nope 20 122: Had oral sex?:: I have 123: Dyed my hair?:: so much. 124: Voted in a presidential election?:: No 125: Rode in an ambulance?:: Nope 126: Had a surgery?:: Nope 127: Met someone famous?:: uh, mickey, minnie, goofy and pluto? 128: Stalked someone on a social network?:: who hasnt? 129: Peed outside?:: so many times 130: Been fishing?:: yep 131: Helped with charity?:: yep 132: Been rejected by a crush?:: *laughs to infinity* CAN'T BE IF YOU NEVER TELL EM (yes, yes I have. Indirectly) 133: Broken a mirror?:: So many I'm cursed forever 134: What do I want for birthday?:: the same thing I wanted last year. A hot ginger. (And video games. Always video games) 135: How many kids do I want and what will be their names?:: 2 boys. And maybe like William or James or something weird cos I love weird names 136: Was I named after anyone? :: Deanna Troi from Star Trek: the Next Generation. 137: Do I like my handwriting?:: yeah it's pretty okay 138: What was my favourite toy as a child?:: MY PINK POWER RANGER ACTION FIGURE 139: Favourite Tv Show?:: Supernatural, Sherlock, Doctor Who, American Horror Story, Arrow, Flash, Legends of Tomorrow...don't make me pick one. 140: Where do I want to live when older?:: with someone I care about. 141: Play any musical instrument?:: piano, marimba, xylophone, vibraphone, bells, drums, guitar (not well, I have ZERO rhythm) 142: One of my scars, how did I get it?:: playing with my dog 143: Favourite pizza toping?:: If I had to pick one, pepperoni but mushroom olive and pineapple please 144: Am I afraid of the dark?:: nah, that's where all the stars are 145: Am I afraid of heights?:: nah 146: Have I ever got caught sneaking out or doing anything bad?:: no, I was a mild child 147: Have I ever tried my hardest and then gotten disappointed in the end?:: Oh you mean my life? 148: What I’m really bad at:: everything 149: What my greatest achievments are:: well I stopped someone from killing themselves. I also tend to make people laugh and feel better. 150: The meanest thing somebody has ever said to me:: I only said I loved you so you would stay (though literally already knew it but worst fear right there) 151: What I’d do if I won in a lottery:: get outta debt. Get my friends outta debt. 152: What do I like about myself:: people say I'm sunshine. I like that. 153: My closest Tumblr friend:: @ferskendag and @tenerife-lucy 154: Something I fantasise about:: being happy with someone I care about, being financially stable while doing my dream job and traveling the world. 155: Any question you’d like? Do you know the muffin man?

[vioncentral-blog]

Sean Avery Falls Short of Fearless Truth-Teller Reputation in 'Ice Capades'

https://www.vionafrica.cf/sean-avery-falls-short-of-fearless-truth-teller-reputation-in-ice-capades/

Sean Avery Falls Short of Fearless Truth-Teller Reputation in 'Ice Capades'

Did you know New York Ranger fans used to chant Sean Avery’s name at Madison Square Garden? If you didn’t, he tells you so in his new memoir. Seven times. His chosen diss for Hall of Famer Mike Modano: “No one has chanted his name at MSG.”

Is that the most grating part of Avery’s lively, dishy bildungsroman on skates, Ice Capades: A Memoir of Fast Living and Tough Hockey (written with Michael McKinley)? Hard to say. At various points he offers such reminiscences as: “I never made fun of Dustin Brown’s lisp. I did make fun of Dustin Brown’s girlfriend”; “I gave a healthy, firm, and flirtatious slap to Paris [Hilton]’s ass”; and “I was blowing people away—especially the gay guys.” There is also his disquisition on making out with, then negging, Scarlett Johansson one night at erstwhile New York hotspot Bungalow 8.

Then again, this must be the first book that manages to gripe about the manners of both Darcy Hordichuk and André Leon Talley, so for that alone he deserves some commendation.

Ice Capades (titled Offside: My Life Crossing the Line in Canada, where they’re handier with hockey nomenclature) follows Avery’s journey from Red Wings rookie camp to, yes, the Garden, with stops in Los Angeles and Dallas in between and famous women on his arm throughout. He extols superstar teammates like Brett Hull, Chris Chelios, and Brendan Shanahan; excoriates John Tortorella and Modano; and recounts memorable dalliances with the league’s best goons. But the bulk of the book, naturally, is Avery talking about himself.

NHL High-Scoring Stamkos, Kucherov Key Lightning's Fast Start

In the introduction he declares, “Name me a more famous third-liner in NHL history,” and while as invocations go it’s not quite “Sing in me, muse, and through me tell the story of that man skilled in all ways of contending,” it indeed summarizes what made him a singular presence in the biggest market in the smallest of the big four sports. The gadfly winger scored only 90 goals in his NHL career, tying him for No. 1,157 on the all-time list, and he never played in so much as a conference final. But twice he led the league in penalty minutes and he remains the sole player in NHL history whose innovations in agitation prompted a change to the rules in the midst of the playoffs; he nettled one of the game’s greatest goaltenders, Martin Brodeur, by facing him while screening him:

And although professional athletes have been dating model-actresses and expanding into other realms as long as there have existed professional athletes, model-actresses and other realms, it’s fair to say that Avery’s sex life and off-ice interests were more conspicuous, during his playing days, than those of any of his peers. (He drew so much attention because he was an uncommon individual by NHL standards and also because he had an uncommon gift for self-promotion by NHL standards; which trait is more responsible for the legend of Sean Avery remains something of a mystery.)

At irritating opponents, a genuinely valuable skill, Avery excelled. He would camp in front of Brodeur’s net and tell him “what a disgrace he [was] for falling in love with his sister-in-law.” (“Tell me,” Avery writes, “where in the ‘Hockey Man’ rule book it says I can’t tell this guy he’s a f—ing dirtbag every time I see him.”) To Eric Lindros, citing his over-involved mother, he says “Pick up the pace, Bonnie, you fat f—.” As a youngster, Avery tells Joe Sakic that he had seen him walk into the arena pregame and wondered how someone making $8 million a year could dress so badly. (Hull, Avery’s teammate at the time, overhears the comment and tells Avery, “You are never to speak with or to Mr. Sakic in that tone again.”)

At endearing himself to his own coaches and general managers? Not so much. He got run out of three of the four cities in which he played (Detroit, Los Angeles and Dallas) and in New York butted heads so much with Tortorella that he ended his career in the minors in 2012 while the Rangers were having their best season in decades. Pro locker rooms are often homogenizing spaces, repressive of the quirky types. But Avery wasn’t some helpless bohemian—he was simply headstrong. And his assessments may miss the mark; the man he called Tortorella’s “big goofy sidekick,” former Rangers assistant Mike Sullivan, has coached the Penguins to consecutive Stanley Cups.

As far as his off-ice endeavors are concerned, Avery willed himself into the Met Ball and scored a summer internship at Vogue. He partied at clubs that had never before played host to hockey players; he befriended Andy Cohen. (A handful of Avery’s passages would not be out of place in a Michael Musto book.) And he squired stars around L.A. and New York. He writes at length about his relationships with models Rachel Hunter and Hilary Rhoda, whom he married in 2015, and actress Elisha Cuthbert.

After he and Cuthbert split, and she took up with then-Calgary Flames defenseman Dion Phaneuf (they’re now married), Avery offered the coarsest public comment of his career: "I just want to comment on how it's become like a common thing in the NHL for guys to fall in love with my sloppy seconds.” The remark got him suspended from the Stars and sent, without entirely proper cause, to rehab in Malibu for anger management.

NHL Auston Matthews’s Awe-Inspiring Shot Blends Stealth and Elite Release

Avery apologizes clearly and believably in Ice Capades for what he said. (“I felt like shit for embarrassing Elisha… I am very sorry for causing her any distress at all.”) There is nevertheless a current of light misogyny running through the book; women, save for the senior leadership of Vogue and the wives of other players, appear in the narrative only as sex objects. The reader could do without descriptions of New York like this one: “Even the prostitutes were elite—not the usual suicide blonde draped in too much faux gold, but more like a hot pharmaceutical rep waiting for a meeting.” His assessment from a Vogue shoot that Claire Danes “does not have the body of a supermodel [but] still captures the camera’s fickle eye with her pouty, intense, intelligent seduction” is also a little much.

And for all the colorful war stories Avery tells—I recommend his account of accidentally poisoning Brett Hull with pot cookies—Ice Capades does not match the fearless-truth-teller reputation he cultivates. He skips over the time he allegedly mocked a competitor’s leukemia diagnosis and he reveals little about his Ranger teammates.

The memoir’s salient and gloomiest truth is one that goes essentially unwritten: For all of Avery’s interests outside hockey, and his above-it-all pose during his playing days, his life from the outside seems darker without the game in it. Since retiring, Avery has mocked the homeless on Snapchat, been arrested for throwing rocks at police cars and drug possession, and quit a play in a huff. He’s flitted professionally from fashion to marketing to acting. The New York Post contended last year that “Avery is ruining his life—and maybe his model wife’s.” He doesn’t write about any of this in Ice Capades. Maybe that’s because it’s all unfair, a series of misunderstandings. Or maybe it’s that life can be awfully cruel when the Garden isn’t chanting your name.