#i can only hope for a happier future and for healing really

[satanfemme]

I....I think I might have some of the anger you used to have. How did you grow? How do you become so positive but it doesn't feel fake anymore?

a combination of a shift in perspective + the kind of healing that just takes a lot of time and practice.

on my shift in perspective:

understanding political theory better has helped (communism, anarchism, and transfeminism are the schools of thought I study the most. the abolition of prisons/punitive justice is also especially important to me). it sounds silly, but when you don't understand truthful and reality-based political theory it's very easy to feel like there's fundamentally "good people" and fundamentally "evil people", if not feeling that it's human nature as a whole to be evil, and this worldview can taint every part of your life. studying theory has helped me understand HOW and WHY horrible things happen in the world on both large and small scales, and that it's more complicated (and also more solvable) than just paranoid and misanthropic "people are bad" fears. this has helped me a lot.

on a more personal and esoteric note, I've also come to see people as inherently interconnected. I believe we're all part of the same macroorganism and there's no fundamental differences between us other than circumstances. everyone in the world is traumatized and doing their best to respond to what's happening to them as it's happening, and learning as they go. it's a lot harder to hate someone once you understand whatever they're doing to wrong you is out of fear/trauma. it's also a lot harder to hate someone once you understand that you could've been them if only your life went a different way. (in other words, as I like to point out: everyone is capable of being abusive, and people who are abusive are still people). it also probably helps through all these beliefs that I don't believe in genuine free will, but I understand that thought probably isn't comforting to most people the way it's comforting to me.

on my healing:

living away from my abusive parents for five years and counting helps. trying to find ways to treat my mental disabilities with patience and grace (and with an increasingly anti-psych viewpoint) has helped. getting an emotional support dog has helped.

maybe the BIGGEST help has been meeting and befriending more people in real life, and doing new and novel things all the time. socially speaking I consider myself raised by social media, and although my feelings towards that fact aren't wholly negative, let me tell you that the real adult world is SO much better and healthier than any website. I like meeting people who are different than me, and have different thoughts than me, and I like exploring, and going to shows, and experimenting with things. nothing makes me feel as alive as when I'm out there in the world Doing A Thing, In A Location, Dressed In An Outfit, and With Other People.

I also think age has helped to an extent, but not because of any pseudoscience "your brain matures at X age" stuff. I think I just have a lot more practice at being a person than I did in the past. and I hope to have more practice in the future. this is the first year I've felt like an "adult" and it feels fucking GREAT! I feel emotionally mature, I feel autonomous, I feel really good.

AND ALSO. my last piece of wisdom for you: stop worrying about how other's see you, stop worrying about your interests being cringe, stop worrying about being the most perfect morally pure person in the world. letting go of these fears doesn't happen over night, it takes time. but the more I become openly & proudly freakish and weird, the happier and nicer I become. I love being a cringy furry pervert so much. it's awesome. can't recommend that kind of thing enough.

[from-the-clouds]

you know what kendall deserves his version of willa (with a happier ending) he can do his lewis and clark of sex manic episode thing with her, it starts as filling the void with sex and pushing shit away, she wanted some fun and the money wasn't a bad thing and doesn't find him to be as awful as she thought he could be.

she becomes super protective of him once she realizes what he's actually going through, doesn't let his family speak over him. None of that your kids aren't your real kids bullshit, all 'that's it we're doing something about it' attitude. she convinces him to go back to rehab and stay in therapy treatment (and she waits for him)

it goes from sex buddies to actual friendship to love.

she becomes his number 1 fan, she gets him into collecting records and investing into things he actually cares about. maybe he starts a label? or he funds one. he wants to patch up his relationship with his kids guess who's there ready to be there for him?? when kens guilt returns about the waiter, about the election, about his kids, about everything shes is there. if the jess publishing a book thing is an in universe thing and he gets to see himself from the outside, she is there.

she also comes from this hard background and has done tons of work to heal, so she's ready to be there for him. nobody has ever actually cared about him, and wasn't counting on that being the direction of the relationship so it takes him a while to realize this isn't just sex and money anymore.

he probably keeps thinking the only reason she stays is because well she likes his money, the more he likes her the more he pushes her away because he thinks it's for the best. nobody really needs to put up with him, she figures it out though.

she knows the cycle, she has lived the cycle. they don't have to be together anymore but she will not leave him, he breaks, it's love, it's real. it might not be forever but close enough, and it's real love.

_

Anyway I'm not a writer I'm just tired of the nihilism of people with kendall my man is happy and content in the future, he finds happiness again. He still has stewy who will be definitely investing on the label thing even if he says he won't work with ken ever again. ken funds stewys lube line (the wetter the better) in repayment.

sorry that i sent this to you but i needed it to be out there somewhere. love your Professor!Ken headcanons! hope you're having a great time on your vacations 💜

i totally could see ken ending up with a willa! or someone like him. there are some really good ken x reader fics that have this sort of dynamic, too, even if doesn't go exactly how you type it out here!

i think kendall could literally do anything with his money, a record label would be a great idea since he's so into music/art and pop culture stuff! also him dating someone younger would keep him 'hip' to everything so he would see that as a perk of seeing her.

and yes! i could see their relationship being sort of cyclic like the show. maybe he pushes her away when he gets too emotionally involved, but she sort of keeps coming back because she likes him too.

i understand why kendall's ending has to be seen as grim for the sake of the show, but i don't know that it's as grim as 'he's going to die' if that's how jesse wanted to end the show that's how he would've ended it, you know? like i think it's intentional kendall was kept alive, but he will probably find something else to be obsessive about eventually. and the cycle will keep repeating!! but its not all bad in my opinion.

[d3adbr3inc3lls]

Honestly, I'm not excited for Amethio's whole arc(??) It's gonna be so angsty and I'm not prepared.

In the opening we see how truly alone Amethio is, whilst everyone had happier scenes, especially the two scenes surrounding Amethio's being more family-like as some mentioned before, Amethio is alone, training intensly with his Corviknight and Ceruledge, probably to be recognised, be a more valuable asset, and to show that he isn't a kid anymore, he's an independent "adult", or he's adult enough to be treated like one, paired with the lyrics which are something along the lines of running to a future which is a simile(??) as Amethio did run to his future, he grew up too fast, he is mature for his age because he wants to prove that he is useful and that he isn't a kid anymore and is actually independent enough to be taken seriously.

I'm also interested in what will happen next, because imo these are the things that Amethio could/might do within the next episodes:

- Isolate himself in a fit of sadness and guilt for loosing a battle, he might even feel that he is not good enough, unworthy and that he Ceruledge down.

- He might even start to train intensly again, (this might be during his isolation or completely diffrent), and train more intense, channeling all his negative emotions and feelings into his training to get better in hopesnto show that he is good enough,

- He may also build his walls up higher, trying to squeeze any bit of emotion left in him out, and try to completely block everything out, which may cause him to push everyone away,

- He might go the completely diffrent route and his mask will crumble further until he's vulnerable around others, (most likely around Zir and Conia though, as he'll probably try to act mature around the admins, or as mature as he can)

- He may also take more missions to distract himself from the pain and guilt, hoping that these emotions will pass, (Although I do think that he wouldn't do this, mostly because he disobeyed his superior and I think he wouldn't be afraid to do it again,)

Idk though, I just really hope he gets to heal, (A meaning of Amethyst is 'healing' or smthng similar, and Gamfreak doesn't randomly choose names, so it only makes sense), if he doesn't get to heal, I'll re-write cannon to make sure he does. Gamefreak isn't rlly afraid to give trauma to sons (and daughter) of pokémon villains, so it would make sense for Amethio to be the son of Gibeon, but I just hope that he doesn't get physically abused by Gibeon, I'd cry istg-

[fellty]

discovered energy drinks recently. diary entry ahead

still figuring out my future, some health stuff as me evaluating life with the perspective that it could be short, though, it's not a huge concern yet and things are still very treatable. but, it is a concern to me, since the chance still looms in my head like a heavy stone. i like to think about the worst possible scenario, and roll as if it was a real reality, since then i've done the mental work to a degree, and well, i guess i want to have peace with that possibility (though, i will say, doctors have said right now the chance is low. it's just scary? who wants a chance like that at all?)

if i'm to take my health seriously, and think about my time being short, then i'd have spent a lot of time avoiding art because it made me uncomfortable, and then avoiding being uncomfortable by avoiding art. facing yourself on the canvas is a big task. my mind lives there, you know?

Synthesizing my sense of depression around not working on art, and also, my discomfort on working on art, has been a hard task. Autism floats around in there with masking having me wonder how much to be myself, especially online! how much is right? how much to be me? and at what cost? a prickly little balance.

all of that seems to live in my shoulders and back. my muscles tighten harder, my shoulders concrete and my lower back steel. what a cost masking has. i'm happier when i see rubber kitten roleplay than when i see ten people clutching pearls around it. if they're free, then i'm free too. (hell, the freedom to scoff and move on vs worrying they'll be attacked by a group with hammers.)

i think there is a certain discomfort in getting to know yourself if you're constantly in a state of moral panic about what being yourself even means to others. being predisposed to people pleasing as a kid has made moral panic on the internet a minefield for my mental health.

i think i figured why i never tried to become a doctor or a lawyer and doubled down on being an artist. 1) I really love art, and 2) i wanted to become something my dad could love as myself. i took that as a challenge, i could be better, smarter, but also i got burnt out quickly because i had to figure it out by myself. hating myself when i made mistakes was a natural outcome, because those mistakes were what made my dad dislike me. if i could eliminate those mistakes, then, i would be loveable, right? i accepted readily i was in the wrong, i was ready to be loved! every child is. hating myself was a mechanism of protection, i could be loved soon! wholly! if i was just better! lots of hope lives here, hope for a better me and a better world. the pain of that runs so deep, because as the mistakes pile up, with no hand to guide, and only scorn to give, you realize being small, silent, and still is the best course of action. it feels, safe.

the thing is that, that's not a reality where natural improvement exists. my dad didn't want a kid, and then had to contend with the reality that he had one. now what? i exist. i have all the same features you have that traumatized you growing up, that you never really contended with with a sense of love for yourself. i am so equally my mom and my dad, it's painful and freeing. i understand them, but i won't be them. I will heal myself and love myself.

it's uncomfortable. my parents react to a broader societal and generational trauma around mental health, my class room reacts, adults react, and pass it to me. there's such a mesh of pain i wish I could lift it all. i can only try and lift it in myself and not reinforce it in others, to celebrate others joyfully as they lift it in themselves. whewh. what a task.

it's uncomfortable to sit with that lore undigested while i draw. but i think the other reality i face is that if I don't actually dismantle that in me, i'll just be in pain forever. i want the life i wanted, i feel stubborn about it especially seeing other people live it with joy. me too!! i want this for me too!!

[my-mt-heart]

Please humour me, and thanks in advance for putting up with my rant.

I recently started a rewatch of twd to help pass the time while I wait for twd:dd in September, and this question keeps coming back to me.

How long has Daryl been in love with Carol, while she has no idea? What do you think?

I think from season 1, but he didn't really know it himself till the start of season five, where they reunited in the forest, and since then has either been too scared to do anything about it, too occupied by everything that has happened to the group in the years since to allow himself to feel/pursue it, or he's genuinely felt that he doesn't deserve her/she deserves better, OR all/combination of the above.

Carol, on the other hand, I think only realised the extent of her own feelings at the end of season 11. The looks they shared while Magna's group was crying over Luke (almost like they were so grateful that the other was still alive, and it could have so easily been one of them crying over the other's death), and then the looks again later when they were waiting for Judith to wake up after surgery, really tells me that in those moments they both realised something significant about how they feel for each other, and how a future isn't promised and that they could lose each other for good at any moment.

And don't get me started on their farewell scene because it broke my heart; once again, these two did the selfless thing and put others' safety and happiness over their own. They each decided to go on a journey to help/save someone else. The way Daryl looked back at her for one last time after getting on the bike was almost like he was hoping she'd tell him to stay.

In Judith's words, "You [Daryl] deserve a happy ending too"!!! and he'll only really come to believe this once it's too late and he's stuck across an ocean, trying to get back to them.

And my queen, Carol, will cross an ocean to find him; I'm gonna cry just thinking about it. I love them so much.

Let me know what you think. Am I being delusional? I want to know how someone else sees this.

I’m overdue for a rewatch myself, I just haven’t felt motivated lately. I think there are a lot of clues pointing to Daryl and Carol developing feelings for each other early on like you said, but they *both* needed time to sort it out for themselves. Grief kept piling on over the years, insecurities deepened, and while their love only grew, they both went through periods of believing they weren’t good enough for each other. I think Daryl overcame it in the last couple seasons, hence “I know where I’m supposed to be.” Hence, why Daryl’s alleged uncertainty in the spinoff makes zero sense.

To be completely honest, I hated their last scene(s) together. I hated that one of the most anticipated moments—exchanging I loves you’s—was used to distract the audience from what was really happening i.e. Daryl leaving Carol. I don’t think it was a selfish or a selfless choice on his part because I don’t think there was any emotional realism to it at all. He had a spinoff to get to 🤷🏻‍♀️😑 I do think Carol was trying to make it easier for Daryl to go, but that just exposes a much sadder truth which is—after 11 seasons and even a time jump of one year—Carol *still* hasn’t healed from her insecurities/trauma. She *still* thinks Daryl could be happier without her. In an EW interview, Melissa chose the song “Crazy” by Patsy Cline to represent the end of Carol’s story. That speaks volumes. There were a handful of characters TWD owed honorable endings and they butchered all of them, but Carol’s was the worst.

The point I’m getting to is no, you aren’t delusional. It’s just that the spinoff has *a lot* to make up for. Do I think it can? Based on what we know about S2, yes. Am I ready to give up my cynicism? No. Not yet, but I hope to soon 😵‍💫

[trashywormeateroffics]

bigger than the whole sky (natasha romanoff x gender neutral reader)

the gif is not mine!

summary: inspired by the song “bigger than the whole sky” by taylor swift. you navigate the world after losing natasha on vormir. (angst, angst, angst, with a little bit of hopefulness cause i’m me)

a/n: once again i am asking you to send me natasha requests!!!! love you!!!!

masterlist

\\\\

no words appear before me in the aftermath

you’re back.

“hey, where’s romanoff?” tony asks you. you look at him. your eyes are hollow, you don’t feel anything other than blinding pain.

everyone else gathers around you. they’re talking but their voices are merely an echo.

steve says your name. you look at him with quivering lips. that’s when he knows. you’re back but she isn’t.

salt streams out my eyes and into my ears

a knock is heard around your room. you don’t look up from the bed. you hear shuffling until a head peeks over you. it’s tony. he says your name, pity dripping from it.

“you should eat something. here,” he puts a tray on your nightstand, “i made you your favorite.” you don’t answer. he simply kisses your hair and leaves.

every single thing i touch becomes sick with sadness

you become a shell of a person. you barely eat, barely sleep, you just walk around the compound like a ghost that’s haunting it.

cause it’s all over now, all out to sea

it’s not until a month passes that it hits you. everyone is back, but she’s not. the firm ground you once walked on has been broken under your feet and the warmth you once felt is gone. tony told you he tried to bring her back when he snapped but he couldn’t. it wasn’t posible. the deal wasn’t interchangeable. he’s healing better than you would’ve expected, even though his right arm is almost useless, but he manages. they all do. steve is captain america, he needs to be strong for the people. thor is rebuilding his home, making it better. bruce is happier, he doesn’t feel like a monster anymore. the one that isn’t doing great is clint, but still, he has his family, so he mourns in silence, he hides. you once found him crying in the garden of the rebuilt compound, you tried to console him but words failed you. what could you have said? you were no better than him. you were a wounded animal, veiling your pain, trying to lick your own wounds but they were so bitter. you were so bitter.

goodbye, goodbye, goodbye. you were bigger than the whole sky, you were more than just a short time. and i’ve got a lot to pine about, i’ve got a lot to live without, i’m never gonna meet what could’ve been, would’ve been, what should’ve been you

the funeral isn’t until two months after it happens. there’s no body, so it’s a closed casket. you’re thankful for that, even though you feel guilty for it. you don’t think you could handle seeing her again. not like that.

everyone is crying. tony only invited the avengers, no one else. this is a private ceremony, it’s intimate. there’s a lot to mourn, a lot to cry about.

you stand up to the podium and clear your throat.

“natasha was a good person.” you begin. everyone is looking at you. you look at clint. he nods. “but she was also so goddamn stupid sometimes, so stubborn.” your eyes well up. you can feel it, they all can, you’re about to break. “she was the love of my life…” you trail off. you look at all these people. these people that loved her. that knew her. but no one knew her like you did. no one loved her like you. you say your goodbye in the way that everyone expected, calm, collected, the right amount of sadness, and then, before you know it, it’s done.

it’s two days later when you go back alone. you sit on the ground and touch the gravestone.

“yelena says she really likes the compound.” you smile softly. “she says it’s very cool, very future-y.” you chuckle. you know natasha loved her sister and she would find peace in knowing that she’s alright, that she’s being taken care of. you purse your lips to stop them from quivering. “i’m so mad at you natasha.” you tell the piece of stone. “i’m so goddamn mad at you.” your face scrunches up and tears begin falling from your eyes. “now we’re never going to live in a pretty house in a nice neighborhood and cook dinner every night together and laugh because the only thing you know how to cook is a peanut butter sandwich.” you chuckle through your tears. “why’d you leave me natty? we could’ve found another way- i know what you would say- there was no other way detka. but we would’ve made one. i would’ve done anything for you. now, even though you’re gone-“ a sob escapes you as you say the last word. “even now, everything i do is still for you.” you sniffle. “i do it with the hope that you’re somewhere seeing me. i need you to be somewhere nat, i need you.” winds blows on your face and you feel the tears dry up on your cheeks. “how am i gonna do this without you, huh? i’m a mess, i can barely do normal tasks. i just- i wanted to grow old with you.” you sob with your face in your hands. a while passes and sobs continue to wrack through your body in the silence of the cemetery. “and i’m never gonna see your old self. i’m never gonna meet what should’ve been you.” you have nothing else to say, so you sit in silence, caressing the tombstone. two hours pass until you decide to get up and leave. once in the compound, you head to the kitchen to grab some food and have a silent dinner in your room.

did some bird flap it’s wings over in asia? did some force take you because i didn’t pray?

grief is a complicated thing. you have always been familiar with the stages, yet since they’re happening to you you don’t really realize it.

today is a difficult day. you woke up and turned around to hug her but were quickly hit by reality when she wasn’t there for you to touch. you spent your whole morning crying. now, it’s early afternoon and you’re having something to eat in the compound’s kitchen.

“hey kid, how are you?” tony asks as he enters all sweaty, probably coming from the gym.

“hi.” you say to him. you don’t answer his question.

“how are you?” he asks again, more pointedly this time. you shrug. he says your name, almost pleading. “please talk to me. yell at me if you need to but- say something.”

“i have nothing to say.” he says your name again, firmly.

“you lost someone. hell, you didn’t just lose someone, you lost natasha. but-“ he runs his hands through his hair. “we all lost her, we can understand.”

“sorry tony, but i don’t think you can.” you tell him dryly. you know his intentions are good but he can’t really stand in front of you and say i get it. he does not. no one does. tony sighs.

“you know what? maybe you’re right.” you frown. what is he saying? “though someone might.”

“who? yelena? clint?” he rolls his eyes.

“no. a therapist.”

every single thing to come has turned into ashes. cause it’s all over, it’s not meant to be, so i’ll say words i don’t believe

turns out, tony was serious when he mentioned the therapist. you’re in her office now, sitting down and looking anywhere but at her. she says your name. you hum in response. she says your name again.

“look at me.” you do and swallow hard. “you don’t need to say anything if you don’t want to.” you smile bitterly.

“there’s nothing to say. even if i did want to say something.” you clarify. dr. lopez nods.

“do you want to have something to say?”

“i don’t… no.” you shake your head. “it’s not worth it.”

“why not?”

“nothing will be able to express what i feel.” you shrug. “and really, it’s just grief. nothing too shocking.”

“you know, just because you know it’s grief doesn’t make it easier to feel it.” you purse your lips. the therapist straightens up in her chair, almost as if she just had an idea. “what color is grief?” she asks. you frown.

“what?”

“tell me, when i say grief, what color do you see?”

“um…” you look down. a color? it couldn’t just be a color. it had to be more. “i don’t think-“

“just try.” she tells you.

“um… i guess… i guess white.”

“why?”

“because it’s… it’s not just the color, it’s like a white room, empty and with no end.” dr. lopez smiles briefly. you narrow your eyes. “that’s… that’s how i feel?” you ask her.

“you tell me.”

“i-“ you take a deep breath and shake your head. the therapist tilts her head. “can’t.” you simply say, choked up.

“i’m going to tell you something about myself.”

“you can do that?”

“if it helps my patient then yes, i can.” you purse your lips and nod. “when i was eighteen, my best friend and i got into a car accident.” you look at her. “she died.” you swallow. “for a year i didn’t talk about it. didn’t even say her name. you know why?” you shake your head even though you have your suspicions. “because talking about it would make it real. and if it was real then i was going to feel a lot of pain, pain i wasn’t sure i could handle feeling.” you shake your head.

“no, i- i get where you’re going with this but i know i can’t handle that pain. i’ll die.”

“do you really think that?”

“if i don’t i’ll kill myself.” you tell her. she looks at you. “i’m sorry, i didn’t mean to say that out loud.”

“you don’t need to apologize for grieving.” you look at her. then you look down, your hands are shaking. you look up again with scrunched up eyebrows.

“is that what this is?” you ask her, a tear falling from your eye. she cocks her head to the side, waiting for you to explain. “it doesn’t- it doesn’t feel like grief. it feels as if someone is constantly squeezing my heart.” tears are now falling freely down your cheeks. you try to wipe them away but they’re too many. “and the worst part is i don’t want to get over it. i want to keep feeling it, it’s all i have left of her.” dr lopez says your name and you look at her through blurry eyes.

“that’s actually really beautiful. grief is love. it’s all the love we can’t give them.”

“i don’t want it. it shouldn’t- it’s not fair.” you sob.

“it isn’t.” she tells you. “and that’s the thing about grief. you say it shouldn’t be like this but grief fights you and tells you well, it is. that’s why it’s so hard.” you blink, sniffle and shrug.

“i’m still never going to get over it.”

“you probably won’t.” she tells you. you look at her.

“aren’t you supposed to tell me that everything is going to be fine?”

“well, everything is going to be fine. that doesn’t mean that you’ll get over it.” you frown. she smiles softly. “a loss like this one, it’s more like you learn to live with it. you don’t necessarily get over it. but you do feel better, and you find hope.” hope. you found hope already. it was her. the doctor seems to read your mind because she gestures to you with her head. “why don’t you tell me about her?” you look at her and furrow your brows.

“i- she… she was….” you sigh.

“it’s okay, you know what? why don’t i ask you?”

“okay.”

“what was her favorite color?” you smile softly.

“yellow. she said it reminded her of sunflowers, her favorite.” you chuckle.

“what is it?” she asks.

“after i found out i kind of started giving her a sunflower every day… to remind her that- that they were her favorite thing and… and she was mine.” you purse your lips to stop them from quivering. you’re once again on the verge of crying. ugh.

“that’s really romantic.”

“yeah well, we weren’t together at the time i was just obsessed with her.” you laugh through your tears. “after we got together she would always make fun of me for it. but i knew she secretly loved it.” dr lopez smiles.

“and what did you like most about her?”

“oh i- i can’t choose. she was just- perfect. but i think her heart- yeah, her heart was just so good. i don’t think i’ve ever met someone who cared so much about others like her.” you say. then you grin. “she was also terrified of cockroaches. like, she was the most badass person ever but if she saw a cockroach she would lose it.” you laugh and so does the therapist. then, suddenly, you begin sobbing. heart-wrenching sobs escape you as you cover your face with your hands. “i’m so- so sorry.” you tell her. “i just- what i’m feeling i want to tell her. she would be the one to console me and now i need something else to make me feel better because she’s gone. i can’t believe that she- it should’ve been me.” dr lopez says your name firmly.

“she made her choice.”

“no! she was just a better fighter than me! i could’ve been the one to jump and she would still be here.”

“but would you want her to feel the pain you’re feeling now?” you look up at her, shocked. you had never thought of that.

“i- of course not. but i just- she deserved to live a long, beautiful life. she deserved it more than me.”

“i know you feel like that, but that’s not true.” she tells you. “what you truly deserved, both of you, was to live a long, beautiful life together. but because of circumstance, you can’t. but you can still live that life.”

“i don’t want to! i don’t want to live a life without her!”

“then, at least, live it for her.”

you leave the session feeling something strange in your chest. realization perhaps. an epiphany of some sorts. she would want you to live this life fully. even though she’s not here, you know she wouldn’t want to see you broken like you are now. and you think, maybe i’ll do this one last act of love for her.

that night, you have dinner with the rest of the team. wanda is there, and you realize that you haven’t asked her how she is.

“hey, wanda.” you call after her before she leaves. “could i talk to you for a second?”

“yes.” she tells you. you two walk over to the balcony and sit down.

“i never asked you, how are you?” she looks at you with a questioning gaze.

“i’m…” she trails off.

“i’m sorry about vision.” you tell her. she looks at you.

“i’m sorry about natasha.”

“thank you.” you say. for a bit you’re both silent. until you speak up. “i wish there was a way for us to tell them that we won, that it wasn’t for nothing.”

“they know.” she says. you swallow hard and look at her.

“you think so?”

“yeah.” she smiles softly.

“how do you… keep living life?” you ask her. she tilts her head at you. “i mean like… how do you keep going forward without him?”

“vis once told me: what is grief if not love persevering?” you sniffle. wanda looks at you and puts a hand on your shoulder. “he was right. it is.”

“where do you put that love?” you ask her, crying now.

“you keep it inside you, and you use it to never forget them.”

you end up the chat by hugging, where in the middle of it you tell her that you’re grateful to have her as a friend, and she says the same thing.

goodbye, goodbye, goodbye. you were bigger than the whole sky, you were more than just a short time. and i’ve got a lot to pine about, i’ve got a lot to live without, i’m never gonna meet what could’ve been, would’ve been, what should’ve been you

the first time you feel it you’re training with wanda and bucky. wanda makes him fall with his magic and you laugh. for the first time since she’s been gone you laugh an honest laugh. you’ve been going to therapy for a month now and it’s helping. it doesn’t replace her, nothing ever will. but it helps with the anxiety and the soul crushing pain.

you miss her, everyday you miss her more and more. they say that time heals, but as of now, time is making you need her more than ever. still, you laughed.

“that’s not fair, you punk!” bucky yells and wanda laughs.

“it’s called being strategic.” she tells him.

“it’s called cheating.” he tells her matter-of-factly. then he turns to you. “what do you think?”

“um…” you say. he raises his eyebrows. “i think it’s called being strategic.” you shrug.

“you two punks are siding with each other? fine! see if i care.” you and wanda look at each other and you both burst out laughing. shortly after, bucky joins in too. you’re laughing with them, you’re laughing with them and suddenly the world doesn’t seem so heavy on your shoulders. you are still in a lot of pain, you are still mourning, and honestly, you don’t think you will ever stop. but you’re laughing wholeheartedly, and that’s when you feel it. perhaps you will get better. perhaps, you just found hope.

[residents-of-the-darkforest]

Ok so I came across this blog and I'm super interested in it, and I have some questions. One, why are kits in the DF? How does that happen? Two, can you explain why SC is literally sending people with minor infractions to hell? Is starclan the evil ones here?? Also, great work!!

First off, THANK YOU! It's always so nice to hear people's interest in my blog.

It actually got me thinking so much during my drive home, and it made me decide on something interesting (prepare, this is probably gonna be a long post).

The Dark Forest isn't really Hell.

As far as everyone knows, it is, because they don't know what--if anything--lies beyond a second death.

It is actually a type of purgatory. They're not quite dead, not quite alive.

Cats can repopulate, get infections and wounds and heal from them, grow to a certain age, etc. All just like the living.

They also have horrible wounds that only a corpse could have, can go forever without the need to eat, can twist their bodies and take out their organs. All things the dead can do.

That's why they can have kits, as well as do the above stated. Because part of them is still alive--they just don't know it.

It's a second chance, no matter if they may be redeemable or not, everyone condemned gets the second chance. A lot of cats have taken that chance even though they believe they are in Hell. They built a community. They take care of each other. They find peace without the restrictions of the code, abuse they may have faced, or other factors. It really is like living again, only happier.

They fail that second chance when they die.

There is no clear reason, as anyone who dies again is condemned-condemned, no matter the cause. Those who were killed because they continued to be violent, those who were killed because someone else was violent, mistake, accident, etc. They all end up in the actual Warriors Hell.

EDIT:

This is no longer the case for anyone who dies a second time when they have redeemed themself in some capacity. Cats who have become good after death, or Dark Kits/Grand-Dark Kits who die, can reincarnate if they die within nine heartbeats of a kit, anywhere in the world, being born.

Now, what is the Warriors Hell?

The Void.

Or some other name idk.

It's a place that stretches on forever in complete blackness. The ground is black, the sky, everything. Cats may remember what they did at first, but over time that slips away. They forget their life. They forget what came after. They forget their name. All they know is to walk, walk, walk. It was to search for a way out of the darkness, it always is, but for everyone, at some point or another, they only know to move because they always have been.

The space is so vast that the chance of someone running into someone else is 1 in 10000, and who's to say if they're even capable of communication at that point. And if someone freshly killed met someone that was there for a really long time, well then they're meeting their future.

-------------------------------

The first instance of an oc (most, actually) being condemned for unfair or minor reasons comes from submitters, and I leaned into it.

It's not too surprising for Starclan to be pricks, after the whole Squirrelflight's Hope incident (and the Erins saying once that two cats were sent to the DF because they were upset they got injured/their kits died??)

I go into more detail on this post, but the gist is that if they hurt someone, they can hurt someone again, and in Starclan where cats should be at peace, that can't fly.

Not everyone in Starclan is happy about it, mainly parents, but majority wins.

[arrieebooks]

Precious Weapon (3)

Pairing : Lloyd Hansen x F!OC (Elle) x Sierra Six

Summary : Six follows her into her normal life. Things go a little wrong, people are still after her as the weapon. They're all forced to stay in her quaint house. One bed trope.

Warnings : Mentions of smut and her painkiller addiction but very vague. Elle being in Lloyd's mind 24/7. Gunshots. Injury. Blood. Gory details. Murder (self defense). Unrealistic healing.

Word count : 21.4k words.

Author's note : So sorry that this took me long. I wasn't really aiming to make this chapter really long, it just happened. But yeah, hope you enjoy it!

***

The smell of french toast and chamomile tea spreads all over the penthouse along with the sound of the sizzling raw bacon in the pan. 

She's making breakfast, carefully and quietly. 

It's extremely early. Around 7am.

After last night, she did sleep well but only for a few hours. 

She's awake now so she figured she'd make a nice breakfast for everyone after going to the traditional market to buy some ingredients earlier. 

She knows Six is still asleep and so is Lloyd. She can hear their calm heartbeats, still very much deep in their dreams. 

Six really helped her last night. And she wants to make up for it. He has no idea how much that meant for her. 

He practically got rid of her addiction, just like that. He had made her promise him to stop. And she immediately did. It meant a lot to her that he cared about her and wanted to help her. 

No one has ever treated her like that. 

She's selfless and caring towards everyone in her life — she always notices if something's wrong with them but no one has ever noticed if something was wrong with her. 

Because frankly, she has a lot of issues. Even before the incident. She has had trauma for years that she chooses to ignore instead of trying to heal it. 

She can physically heal quickly but never mentally. She's damaged. Fucked up. But she's good at hiding it well, that's why no one has ever noticed. She's so well kept together. Always lighting up the room, too.

"Shit," she curses out loud as her hand touches the hot pan to check if the bacon's cooked already. "Idiot." she mutters to herself, rubbing her burned hand on her shirt before it quickly heals back again. 

Elle gently scoffs at that. It gets annoying sometimes, because it's a reminder of what she is. She's never asked for this. But yet she has had to learn to live with it, carry it for the rest of her life. All she ever wanted was a normal life with loving parents and a house that's filled with happy memories in it. 

But she knows that she's never going to get that. Or even a normal future with a husband and kids in it. Technically, she can never get pregnant due to the experiment as well. It altered her entire body along with all of her cells. 

Her future and her life was all ruined by science. 

Lloyd steps out of his bedroom and she doesn't even hear his heavy footsteps because she's lost in her thoughts as he yawns loudly while walking in the hallway.

He stalks to the kitchen where he smelled food. "Morning. What are you cooking?" he asks her, not looking at her yet instead his eyes are focused on the pan. 

Her eyes darted to him. He's wearing a black, loose shirt with grey sweatpants. His hair is messy and all ruffled up from sleep, this is the first time she's seeing it like that. He's usually so neat. 

What's with men and grey sweatpants?

Elle smiles widely. "Morning. Bacons, french toast and eggs. How'd you like your eggs?" she asks. 

Lloyd frowns confusedly. "Thought you didn't want to cook for us. You said that you weren't a housewife, last night " he reminds her. 

She snorts. "Last night was a different me. I'm feeling…happier this morning." 

He finally meets her eyes and squints his. "Hm. Why? No one just gets happy overnight." 

Elle casually shrugs her shoulders. "I just am. Anyway, how'd you like your eggs or do you not want my cooking?" she asks again.

"Well, is there a restaurant nearby that serves American breakfast?" he asks.

Elle shakes her head. "Nope. Probably in the center of Jakarta, though. But that's like two hours from here. Plus, you wouldn't be able to enjoy your food peacefully with the local girls staring at you like a piece of meat." she remarks.

Lloyd lets out a soft chuckle. "Agreeable." he says. "Well, I prefer my eggs scrambled, Sunshine." 

Her lips tug into a smile. "Coming right up." 

He nods, stepping away from her to give her space as he walks to kitchen island, hopping on one of the chairs while he watches her crack some eggs into the pan. 

"You don't have to cook us breakfast every morning, you know. This isn't a…" Lloyd tries to find the right words but couldn't find them. "This is just a work partnership, we're not a big happy family." 

Elle sighs. "If you wanted this to be more professional, then I could've just stayed in my house and not live here with the both of you." she says, scrambling the eggs on the pan carefully. 

He scoffs softly. "Yeah, I think Six would beg to differ. He seems to like you. And that's saying a lot for the infamous Sierra Six." Lloyd remarks.

She shakes her head. "We're just a lot alike. We're close but not too close to interfere on missions. He and I would still be focused on the main priority. In fact, I think we'd work well together on missions." 

"You haven't seen how he…fights." He grimaces a little while saying it. He remembers seeing one of his works a while ago.

He wanted to use the word kill. But he doesn't want to scare her, yet. Not the time yet. She doesn't even know what she's getting herself into. Lloyd doesn't even know where to begin. He needs to go slow on her and he knows that but he has a feeling that she could take it. 

She could take it. Or not. 

"I'm not scared, Lloyd. By either of you. I'm all in." she states, in a forced tone. 

Lloyd scoffs loudly, making her turn around to him. 

"You've seen nothing yet, sweetheart." 

She rolls her eyes, turning off the stove behind her with her mind. "Then, test me." 

He frowns. "What, like a fake mission?" 

"No, a real one. But I'll be just behind you. Both of you. I won't flinch." she responds.

"No. You need training first. At least a week of it. We need to see how fast your reflexes are and other shit. Run a few tests on you." Lloyd says, dryly.

Elle nods. "Right. Then, after that?" 

"We don't have time for fake missions or whatever you want. It's not how this works." he sternly says.

She steps closer until she softly hits the counter and his gaze catches up to hers. They'd be closer if it wasn't for the kitchen island between them.

"Teach me. I'll be a good student." she softly says with her eyes pleading at him. 

Oh. 

That shouldn't make him feel some sort of way but somehow, it does. It's just the way she says it so innocently. She's so naive. A small part of him wants to ruin her and her innocence. He'll take her and accept how she is — innocent or ruined. 

Lloyd hums casually in response, completely ignoring the bulge in his pants that is starting to grow. "I need to shower."

Elle tilts her head to the side in confusion. "What about your breakfast? It's all ready." 

He hops off the chair, avoiding eye contact. "I think it's better if we wait for Six to wake up first."

"You just said you don't want us to be a big happy family and having breakfast all together is the complete opposite." she remarks. 

"No. I just don't want us to eat breakfast alone." Lloyd flatly says, walking away as she scoffs.

"Right. Because it'd be so unprofessional." 

"Yeah. You're right, Sunshine." He flashes her a smug grin, his teeth all white and shiny as the morning sun spilling from the window highlights his blue eyes and she has to stop herself from starting to find him just a little attractive. 

Stop. He's not. 

It was in vain to keep telling herself that he wasn't when two days ago, they were all over each other in that bar. He had his fingers inside her. His mouth was on hers. She let him do all that because he was really that fucking sexy. She couldn't deny it earlier and especially now.

She scoffs again before he walks away from her and she hears his footsteps slowly retreat from the hallway to his bedroom and then the sound of his door closed gently. 

Elle continues on cooking, focusing on Six's sounds in his room instead. She hears him getting up from the bed and then his heavy footsteps walking toward somewhere. 

She smiles at that. She's been waiting for him to be awake but didn't want to wake him up either. 

She heard his shower turn on and then she had to busy herself making herself eggs, trying to not visualize him getting naked even though she could clearly hear the noises of him taking off his clothes.

It was dark last night. She didn't exactly see anything clearly but she could hear and feel everything in detail. She has heightened senses, of course she could feel anything without even having to see.

Which makes her good for combat. Though, she could sense that Lloyd was a little skeptical of her. He must think that she's not powerful or strong enough to do this shit or maybe it's because of her age. Not that he even knows her age yet anyway but he has assumed at least how old she is. 

The problem is she looks too young for her real age. She looks 19 or 20 at best. She looks ten years younger than she really is. No one has ever guessed her age right. 

Everyone in her town knows her as twenty four years old. And her birth certificate says it too. All of her friends who went to the same school as her are the same age. 

She spent five years of her childhood inside that lab, being a test subject. And for those five years, she didn't exist to the world. She was just a number. When she came out, she looked the exact same when she left. She barely remembers what happened there, which she's thankful for. 

I was a fucking lab rat. 

"Morning. Looks like someone slept well last night." Six appears in the kitchen, examining her. 

She's wearing pink cotton shorts and a chill white tee shirt with pink printed writing on it. It's her house clothes. Lloyd's people brought literally all of her clothes last night. 

Elle startles, turning to him. "Hey, uh, that was a quick shower." She smiles shyly. 

He looks at her confused and a light chuckle leaves his lips. "You heard me." 

She's blushing now. Her cheeks are red. Her lips are stretching into a smile that shows her cute little dimples. "No, I was making eggs. But yeah, kind of." she admits. 

Six's lips curve into a genuine, soft smile and steps closer, pulling her by the waist as she giggles softly while he watches her, amused and their bodies pressed against each other. Their eyes stare into each other as he's communicating to her with his eyes and she doesn't even have to read his mind to know what he's saying to her. 

I don't mind. You could hear me shower anytime you want. I mean it. 

"You're cute when you're flustered." Six quietly remarks.

"I can't be flustered all the time." she replies almost immediately.

"We're not on a mission, Elle," he reminds her. 

She nods. "I know. But it's just that, soon enough, we will be. Lloyd just told me I'd need a week of training and then after that, missions." 

"Does the training start today?" he asks.

"This afternoon, maybe. It's a Monday today and I've got a few errands to run. I need to go back to my house, feed my dogs, clean the house and go meet my best friend for lunch. Oh also, we need to get some groceries for the fridge." Elle tells him in detail. 

Six frowns and then nods. "Sorry. I forgot that you had a…" he trails off, not wanting to say the wrong words. 

She raises her brows. "A life? Yeah, but I know I have to ditch it somehow when we'll be on missions. But I'll figure it out." she says. 

He tucks a hair under her ear. "You don't have to ditch it, Elle. It's good that you have a life here and I don't want you to throw it all away just because of us." 

"I wanted this. You know I did." she says.

"Yeah, but—" Six gets cut off as they hear Lloyd's door open and she immediately retreats from him, going back to cooking.

Six steps away from her and walks to the kitchen island, taking a seat there. 

Lloyd walks to them and sees Six. "Hey, finally you're awake. Now we could all have breakfast and then talk about our plans. First, I need to renovate that gym. It's old and fucking dusty. I'm going to buy some new equipment for it. Actually, a lot of them. We're going to use that room for training." he says while taking a seat beside him.

Elle nods, turning to them with three empty plates in her hands as she places them down on the counter. "So, where's the gym? Downstairs?" she questions.

He frowns. "No, of course not. Why would I ever share a gym with anyone? It's right here. Back there, behind us. There's a narrow hallway and those are all the extra rooms we got." Lloyd answers. 

She nods again, taking two pans of the breakfast as she pours it on each of their plates. Scrambled eggs, bacon and french toast all in one huge plate. It's all so greasy and oily but it's a classic American breakfast. It's authentic. Her father taught her how to make this when she turned 14 and when she learnt how to cook for the first time. 

"This is a classic, Elle. Americans love their greasy fuckin' breakfast." Her dad tells her with his thick American accent while sitting in front of the food they both just made together as she smiles and giggles happily, nodding her head at him.

She brushes off the flashback in her head. She hates him. She never hated him back then because he was her loving dad. The same loving dad who would cook her good food in the morning and then proceed to do experiments on her body at night with her mom. She was never their daughter. She was just a science experiment for them.

"Elle? You okay?" Lloyd asks, furrowing his brows as he sees her blanked out and Six glances at her too.

Her eyes are looking down on the floor with both of the pans still in her hands, her mind clearly being somewhere else but here.

She looks back at him. "Yeah. I'm good. So, you're gonna do some shopping, then? I have a few errands to run today too." She quickly places the pans down back on the stove and walks to them. 

He frowns. "What errands?"

"Some errands." she responds, taking a seat next to Six on the kitchen island.

"Elle. What kind of errands?" Lloyd asks again in a warning tone. 

She rolls her eyes. "I need to go to my house and meet my best friend. I usually meet her every day for lunch in the hospital she's working in. Plus, I had my phone on silent yesterday and today so she must've been worried about me now. I don't want her to go and file a missing persons case or something. Not that it'd work in this country."

Six chuckles quietly. Lloyd snorts. She is right. They know how fucked up the system is here.

"Fine. But go with Six. Can't let anything happen to our weapon." Lloyd orders sternly.

Elle nods, taking a bite of her french toast as she hums in approval. "Yeah, okay." she mumbles softly.

Six nods too, slightly content that he's going to be spending the day with her and not shopping with Lloyd all day. He already knows it's going to be a nightmare with him. He's going to complain about every single inch of the store when things don't go his way and it usually doesn't. He'd rather not deal with that today. 

She smiles, excited to show him her normal, boring life. She knows he's not used to normal or mundane. That's why she wants to show him that it's still possible to have one, outside of everything — the CIA, all the murder, torture and pain in his life. 

"Well today's going to be eventful. Update me if anything goes wrong." Lloyd declares and both of them nod in sync again. 

"Sure thing." she casually says, taking a bite of her bacon. 

Nothing's going to go wrong. 

***

The auto door slides open as Six and Elle enter the building of the hospital, walking side-by-side each other through the lobby.

It's around lunchtime. They're dressed decent already. People are staring like crazy. The hot weather is sweating Six but she's used to it already. 

She's wearing denim jeans and a pink top with packed food in her hands that she stopped by for earlier. It's her best friend's favorite food. 

"You know, it was probably not a good idea to bring you here. They're all staring." Elle casually points out, bitterly. 

She has always hated the fact that the locals in this city have always treated white people like they're famous people. They tend to glorify them a lot to the point where she's just annoyed by it because they bother them a lot. 

And especially, she hates the girls here who hunt white guys like they're a fucking animal to be preyed on. They're just normal human beings. 

Six chuckles. "It's fine. I'm fine with it. It's normal to stare." he says, leaning to her ear.

Elle scoffs. "No, it's not. Not when they're literally gawking at you like you're fucking Ryan Gosling or something. You're just a white dude, minding your own business. They act like it's such a big deal or something." she remarks. 

Six quietly snorts, following her steps as she turns left to the elevators and presses a button to go upstairs and they stand in front of it, waiting for it to open. 

"It sounds like you're sick of it." he noticed.

Elle glances at him and nods. "I am. I've had to deal with it my whole life. With my dad and me." 

He frowns. "What about others? Did you have other white people in your life? I mean, Americans or others. I don't know, I've seen a lot back in that bar." Six comments.

She shakes her head. "No, I've never met anyone American or like me. I was surprised when I saw that many foreigners in one place, in that bar. I guess because that was just a different part of Jakarta. And we're in the West now, where not a lot of them hang out here." Elle tells him, as a matter of fact. 

He nods. "So, Lloyd and I are like what, the first white guys you've ever been with?" Six tries to make a joke.

She snickers. "Yeah, I guess. I've always wished to be with someone like me or at least be friends with them. There was no one like you around my town." she replies.

"So, you have a type? For white guys?" Six asks. He's pushing his luck now. 

Elle shakes her head, chuckling. "No. Well, yeah, maybe. I mean, my whole life, I've always been with local guys. And they're so nice and polite but sometimes too nice and too polite. If you know what I mean." 

He looks at her and she wiggles her eyebrows suggestively as he starts to realize what she means by that. 

Oh. 

His lips twitch, trying to hide a smile. "Right. I do now. So, they're not too rough enough for you?" he asks, forwardly and plainly in a serious tone that's laced with a teasing one. 

She widens her eyes and smiles, slapping his arm lightly. Don't want to be too rough on him. 

"Hey! We're in a hospital, for fuck's sakes." Elle reminds him, looking around at other people staring at them but not because they overheard, they're still staring because of him. 

Six laughs quietly. "Okay, okay. I was just, you know, curious. I want to know what you like. What you prefer." he admits.

She frowns. "You know what I like already, Six." she teases, his name rolls out in her tongue in a playful tone and he has to contain himself from blushing too hard. 

One of the elevators finally opens and other people step out of it as Six and Elle wait for them to all get out until they enter together.

It closes and it's just them. She presses a button to go to the third floor and a silence rests between them. 

After a few seconds of the elevator going up, it finally dings and opens itself to the third floor. 

"Okay, maybe you should just wait in the seats first. I don't want her to think that I'm…" Elle trails off as they step out of the elevator together.

It's a floor of laboratories and personal rooms for the medical scientists and the biologists in this hospital and her best friend is one of the best and youngest biologists here. She wants to help people just like Elle and she's just as smart as her. That's probably why they quickly became best friends in the first grade. They bonded through science and all the other stuff that people their age didn't understand yet or didn't want to learn yet at that time. 

Six frowns, stopping as she turns to him and they're now standing in front of the elevators. "That you're what?" he asks.

She sighs. "Well, she saw your face in church yesterday and she knew that I was going to show you around the city. And if she saw you here today, she would think that I came home with you and slept with you since I wasn't answering her texts from yesterday." Elle explains. 

He frowns confusedly. "Why does it matter what she thinks? What I mean is, if she does think we did sleep together, so what?" Six asks, cautiously.

Elle shakes her head, lowering her head to talk to him quieter. "Because it's not normal. We don't do that here, in this country. It's taboo. Even when I fuck someone local here, I never tell her. Except if it's a long term boyfriend, then she's fine with it. But this would look like a one night stand. You and I." She waves her hand between them. 

Six pulls his eyebrows together. "Is this about your religion, too? You guys go to the same church together so…" he questions.

She nods, biting her lips anxiously as she looks him in the eyes. "Sort of. It's a sin to have sex before marriage but I'm not even planning to marry, like ever, so it shouldn't even apply to me. Right?" 

He breaks into a chuckle, nodding his head. "Why not? I would think that a girl like you would want to marry someday." 

Elle chuckles, shaking her head playfully. "A girl like me? What's that supposed to mean?" she asks, teasingly.

"You know what I mean. You live in a small town, have friends everywhere, go to church every Sunday—what I mean is you live a normal life. You're a normal girl. So I just assumed that you'd want something normal in your future." Six explains.

She snorts. "I'm anything but normal. I committed mass—well yeah, that was an accident. But it doesn't matter. I can't have that kind of future anymore. I can't even…have kids. And I doubt that any guy here would want to marry me knowing that I can't give them what they want. It's just like that in this country. The husband wants kids and so do their parents and grandparents. And if I can't give that to them, I'm a horrible wife and a failure." 

Six steps closer to her, crowding her space as she looks around her and there's no one else here except for securities in front of the laboratories but they're all busy on their phones. It's quiet here. It's all white. There's a TV playing in the lobby where there's rows of empty seats. It's lunchtime. Everyone's out for lunch, not here. It's just them. 

He frowns, his hands resting on her arms as her eyes look up at him. "Fuck that, Elle. You don't deserve that. You do deserve a normal future that you want. You just haven't found the right person yet but it's definitely none of the local guys." he snaps. 

This city doesn't deserve her. 

"Then who deserves me, Six?" Elle softly asks in a weak tone. 

Six's eyes darted to her brown ones and then down to her lips. Those lips. He remembered how soft her lips were last night. She was being rough and aggressive in kissing him but he's looking forward to seeing her more relaxed and gentle. Just not the time yet. He knows that. He wants her — craves for her lips, her touch, all of her. But he can't have her now. He has to wait. He's fine with that.

He swallows and blinks at her. He doesn't have an answer for her. He knows that it's definitely not him. Or even Lloyd. They both do not deserve her. They know that. 

A door opens from somewhere behind them that's far away, breaking the silence in the floor but they're still looking at each other to even bother to look behind them.

"Elle! Oh my gosh! You're alive!" Amelia's voice is heard from behind them as the girl exclaims out loud while running towards them.

Elle looks behind her and smiles. "Amelia. Hey, I'm so sorry. I brought you lunch. It's your favorite. From that Indonesian restaurant that you like so much." 

Amelia stands in front of her and looks at Six, frowning at Elle. "Oh hi, Elle's friend, Jack. Did you kidnap her yesterday? I didn't hear from her all day yesterday. I was worried that—" 

Elle cuts her off. "I'm fine, Amelia. I just forgot to bring a charger yesterday. I haven't been to the house yet." she tells her, calmly.

She looks back at her. "What? You haven't been to your house? Then where did you sleep last night?" Amelia asks.

"Uh, I stayed with them. We got carried away, being around the city all day and then it got dark, it was too late to go home anyway so I stayed in with them. They have this cool penthouse nearby." Elle explains and she gives her a skeptical and judgmental look.

She hates that look.

Elle chuckles. "Relax, we had separate bedrooms! I told you it was a penthouse, it's really big. Very big. And it was my idea to stay in. I was just grateful that they let me stay in." she adds. 

Amelia squints her eyes at her. "Hm. So where's the other one? The Lloyd one. The fancy looking one." 

Six looks at her. "He's gone out to go shopping. For supplies and equipment. We're moving here. To this city." he simply responds with a thin line on his lips.

He usually doesn't talk to other people a lot except for Lloyd and Elle since they're the only closest to him now. And that's still a new thing for him. He only responds to orders and asks questions about missions only when necessary. Sometimes he talks to Fitzroy, the guy who recruited him and treats him like a son. But they rarely talk because they're both busy, travelling across the world for work. They only talk when they have free time or if it's for a favor. 

He knew that Elle would want him to at least say something to her best friend. He could sense it from her. At this point, they just say things through their mind and they both already understood what the other wants. 

Amelia nods at him. "Oh, you're moving here? For work?" she asks him, moving past Elle to get closer to him, to inspect him closer. 

Six nods. "Yes. Work." he answers and she squints her eyes at him again, trying to investigate him more. 

Elle sensed that as she went to stand in front of him, blocking him out of her view. "Amelia, you must be starving. It's lunchtime, right? Let's go have lunch as usual. In your lab. Come on, I brought you your favorite lunch." She lifts the packed food up to show Amelia.

She sighs, looking back at her. "Yeah, I heard you, the first time. Alright, let's go. But he can wait out here. Right?" 

Six's lips form a thin line, glancing at Elle with an "it's okay" look and giving her an assuring nod as he steps back. "Yes. I'll wait here." he says, walking to the row of seats and he takes a seat there, watching the news on the TV.

Amelia gives him another skeptical look before darting her eyes to Elle again. "Do you have somewhere else to be after this?" she asks her.

Elle nods. "Yeah. We're going to my house. Actually, there's something I want to tell you. Let's go." she says, dragging her best friend to her lab right in the corner.

***

Amelia's lab is pretty capacious. It's all white, too. There's tons of her science tools hanging everywhere. On the table, on her chair, and even some on the floor.

Amelia likes to work messy. Elle prefers to work neatly. That's their only difference.

Elle sighs. "It's messy again. I thought you cleaned it last Friday." 

Amelia walks over to one of her not-that-messy work tables that has her laptop and notebooks as she scoots them over to make the table spacious enough for them to eat lunch. 

"Well, I have a deadline tonight. I need to submit my latest research about the stem cell treatment I told you about. And I'm nowhere to be done." Amelia rambles as they both take a seat next to each other.

Elle unpacks the packed food and hands it to her. "I can help you. I know about that. I learned it last week." she casually says.

She nods, taking a bite of her own food. "Yeah, in that lab that burned down. Those scientists taught you a lot of things, Elle. But they were also very bad people and not to be trusted."

She gulps, remembering how close she was to "those scientists" in that lab, how they taught her things that she's always wanted to learn about science. "That didn't mean they were stupid scientists." Elle defends, quietly.

You killed them and you're defending them now? Hypocrite, Elle. 

Amelia looks over to her with a weird look and rolls her eyes. "Whatever, it's fine. I don't need your help, Elle. This is my job that I was paid to do. You've helped me so many times already. I almost feel like I'm not doing my job sometimes." she rants.

Elle shakes her head. "No, that's not true. You do your job well, Amelia. You're a genius biologist. But you're underpaid and overworked in this hospital." she reminds her.

She shrugs. "This is the best private hospital in this town. I'm just grateful to be here. Not all of us could have rich parents, you know." Amelia didn't mean it as an insult but sometimes Elle forgets that she's privileged. She doesn't need to work a day in her life, everything has been provided for her. 

But, all that she has now came with a price that she had to pay with childhood trauma and PTSD and fucked-up parents. 

Elle frowns at her. "What? My parents aren't rich. They just got enough money because of my experiment that they agreed on in exchange for a huge sum of money that's still lasting until now. Amelia, you know I didn't mean it that way. I just think that you should probably find another hospital to work in." 

Amelia shakes her head. "There are no other hospitals, Elle. I like this one, okay? Now, let's just change the topic."

She nods, brushing it off. "I agree. Okay, I had something to tell you earlier. I'm going to be moving to an apartment. I got a new job." Elle breaks the news. 

She'd been thinking about it the whole trip here earlier. She had to make an excuse when she'll be living in the penthouse with Lloyd and Six and then there's the missions that she has to do later. 

Amelia widens her eyes. "Oh. Well that was completely insensitive of me to tell you that you're privileged when—wait. What kind of job?" she stops herself to ask.

"There's this American organization that knows about my abilities and they need my expertise to help the city. But I'm not supposed to tell anyone about it. It's classified and confidential. But don't worry, I'll be nearby. The apartment is close." Elle replies.

That's it. She doesn't need to say a lot of lies anymore. Just this. She hates lying. But this is for Amelia's own good. She can't know about the CIA or even be involved in it. 

Amelia frowns. "American? Why are they interested in Jakarta's problems then? How does it benefit them and—wait a minute. Is Jack and Lloyd somehow in this organization as well? Did they rope you in? Or tried to force you to work—"

Elle cuts her off. "Woah, relax. No one forced me. I wanted it. I want to help people in this city, I mean it." Now that's the truth. "But yeah, they're with me now."

She stands up from her seat abruptly. "I knew it! Did you sleep with them, Elle? Is that how they convinced you to take the job? You're better than this, you don't have one night stands." Amelia lectures her.

Elle looks up at her and scowls as she rises from her seat too. "Absolutely not. I want this job because I want to help people. They didn't convince me to do anything. Also, even if I did sleep with them, so what? It's my life, my sex life."

"Because that's not you. You're not that kind of girl to just sleep with whoever she sees and have meaningless sex." Amelia assumes. She's wrong.

She crosses her arms against her chest, her eyebrows creasing. "And how exactly would you know what kind of girl I am? I never tell you about my sex life, Amelia. I hide some things that I know it's better to keep hidden." 

Amelia frowns deeper. "What does that mean? You kept things from me? What kind of things?" she questions.

Elle exhales. "Just some things that I know you'd judge me for if I told you." 

"What things, Elle?" she repeats again.

"I fuck, Amelia. More than you know. But don't worry, none of it is interesting enough to tell you about it. It's all just plain vanilla sex. Guys here are very gentle. Too gentle." Elle tells her in a casual tone.

Amelia grimaces. "Oh my god. You've been lying to me this whole time."

Elle rolls her eyes. "Oh, don't be so dramatic. It's just sex." 

"It's a sin." she says, still grimacing.

That provoked anger inside of her. She doesn't know shit and she just judges however she wants. She is a saint, but she always expects everyone to be the same and Elle is anything but a saint. 

"And what about the sins that were done to me? It was all just a coping mechanism, Amelia. My trauma. I had to deal with it all by myself, my whole life. When I was eighteen, my parents immediately left me to move to fucking Bali and live peacefully, unburdened of their sins towards their own daughter." Elle snaps. She's had enough.

Amelia has no idea about her childhood trauma, like at all. Her parents strictly told her not to tell anyone and it'll just become complicated for her too.

Her face turns shocked. "I—I didn't know that. You never told me…" 

"Yeah, I never told anyone." Elle lowers her voice.

Amelia steps closer without saying anything, her face still in shock as she pulls Elle into a hug. Her arms tightly embrace her and she hugs her best friend back. 

"I'm so sorry. I've been your best friend for more than a decade and I didn't even know that…" Amelia whispers against her shoulder, shaking her head.

Elle pats her hair, "It's okay, it's okay. I'm fine now." she murmurs softly. She comforts people a lot. It's her specialty.

Their hug is cut short with a phone buzzing loudly on Amelia's table as she immediately grabs her phone and checks who it is. 

"Oh, shit. I need to take this. It's my boss. She's probably going to ask me to get my job done faster than the deadline." Amelia tells her, anxiously. 

Elle gives her an assuring nod, taking her purse from the chair. "Okay, good luck. I'm gonna go have lunch with Si—Jack. With Jack." she says with a nod as she begins to turn around and walk to the door. 

Amelia chuckles. "See you later. I'll call you." she tells her, putting the phone onto her ear before Elle exits her lab. 

She closes the door behind her with a sigh. She feels relieved that she could finally tell her best friend about what happened throughout her whole childhood. That she doesn't have to smile and lie anymore. She could just tell the truth, what she always wanted to do since she was little. 

Her eyes immediately searched for Six. She needs him. More than she thought she did. He's my comfort. 

He's still sitting still on one of the seats, his eyes focused on the TV hanging on the wall, showing the news about what's happening in the city today. He's taking notes in his head. He needs to get to know this city if he'll be living here for months.

"Six? Can we go?" Elle softly asks from behind and he quickly turns around in a blink of an eye, standing up from his seat immediately and walks over to her.

He sees her face frowning slightly first and walks even faster towards her as he gently holds her face between his hands.

"Hey, what happened there?" Six asks.

She shakes her head. "I just told her the truth. About my childhood trauma that I've  been trying to hide my whole life. And now it's all out." 

He slowly nods, fully understanding what she means by that and not going to ask any further questions because they're not there yet — they haven't gotten to the stage where she's confessing her past to him yet and he has a lot to say for his own past too since they've both been through the same childhood abuse.

"Do you wanna get out of here now?" Six softly asks.

Elle nods immediately. "Yeah. I'd like that. Let's have lunch. There's a nice restaurant near my house. If you want?" 

His lips tug into a small smile, his hands leaving her face. "Sure. Lead the way," 

She smiles at him, taking his hand in hers as they walk to the elevator.

***

Lloyd's day was fucking tiring and it's only been half a day. 

He'd been through a huge mall and scoured all the stores here just to find the right stuff he wanted. 

Apparently, malls are enormous in this city and almost everything you need is inside there. There are no separate stores in the streets, just malls and malls everywhere.

And not to mention, the local girls have been staring at him wherever he went. Even the workers in the malls. He was so sick of it. It wasn't fun anymore, it was getting annoying.

He should've asked or dragged Elle to go with him. She would know what to do and at least, she could calm him. She knew the language and getting anything would've been easier. And, he could've avoided the girls trying to flirt with him if she was with him because they would just assume that they're a couple and they wouldn't even try to bother him.

Now he regrets letting her go with Six. They're probably having lunch together now because it's lunchtime. He's being a little bitter about it.

Lloyd got all the stuff he needed and is now sitting in an outdoor restaurant of the mall with his bodyguards sitting at another table, keeping a safe distance. They're not his actual bodyguards, they're the CIA field agents but they answer to Lloyd now. He's their boss. So they follow him wherever he goes now. 

He had his lunch already. He's full. But his fingers are itching to call Elle or Six to ask them where they are now. He wants to see them. He needs to see her, most importantly. He needs to see if she's safe, as usual. It's his damn job now, apparently.

And after a tiring day, he needs something to relieve it. Not her, of course. Definitely not her. He needs to blow off some steam. Fuck something or someone. But Elle is off limits for him. He can't touch her that way anymore. He made a promise to himself. 

After seeing so many girls thirsting over him today while he was just walking around the mall, it made him realize how easy the girls are in this city. Once they see a white man, they immediately fold. It's funny to him, actually. They're all so fucking desperate for his dick, it almost turns him off a little bit. 

While he doesn't like girls playing too hard to get and prefers the easy ones that would give in easily — he likes the forbidden fruit type more. Like Elle. Something he knows he can't touch but it's so tempting, which turns him on even more. She turns him on every fucking time and he can't even help it. Can't even control his dick to not feel that way. Just like this morning, he had to take care of his own business by himself in the shower earlier.

I can't have her. 

He keeps saying the same thing over and over again until he wants to bang his head against the wall to stop his own thoughts. And that's why he needs to fuck, to bury his dick in someone and not think about Elle for a while. He needs her out of his head. 

Finally, Lloyd decides to get out of this ample chair as he places more than enough cash on the table and begins to walk away from the restaurant while his agents follow him from behind, carrying his shopping bags as well. 

There are three agents that he brought from the penthouse. And they gladly listened to Lloyd without any complaints because they know who he is and what he's capable of. 

They're in a mall where there's a park outside of it and he's walking through it now. It's filled with kids running around, people bringing their dogs and puppies, elderly people walking around really slowly. There's a small pond with big fishes inside it. Elle would love it here, he thinks.

She likes people's places, where it's not quiet but also not too crowded, just with the right amount of people. She likes seeing little kids, too. She loves to imagine things she knows she can't have. She likes to see them laugh and play around, being so happy because she never had that happy childhood. 

He's thinking about her now, how he's going to have to live with her for the next few months without trying to kill her or fuck her. That's going to be a hard task for him.

As he's thinking of her, his phone rings in his pocket and he already knows who it is. He knows it's not Denny or any important work people. It's her. 

His face slightly relaxes and he stops in the middle to pick up the phone and answer her call as he places his phone on his ear and smirks while the call connects.

"Hey, Lloyd! How are you doing there? Wait, are you in Central Park? I recognized those sounds anywhere, the sound of the park. It's the only mall with a park in Jakarta." Elle tells him while she's sitting in a restaurant with Six.

They're eating chicken shawarma and cheese samosas. It's a small restaurant near her house and the only one who sells this kind of good food. It's quiet here. Six is still eating and so is she. They're sitting across from each other but still close.

She was curious to know where Lloyd was and how he was doing because she knows how chaotic malls in Jakarta could be. So she called him. 

Lloyd half grins. "You could hear fucking everything, can't you?" he retorts.

Elle giggles. "Yes! I can. Anyway, how's it going there?" she asks him, shoving a samosa into her mouth as she closes her mouth to chew.

He looks around him and it's so fucking crowded, he could suffocate and die here. He lets out an exhale. "About to go home. I mean, to the penthouse. You?" Lloyd replies. 

She nods, even though he can't see her as Six looks at her curiously, wanting to know what Lloyd is saying. "Well, we're still eating lunch and then we're going to visit my house." she answers. 

Lloyd frowns. "You're not going to go to your house everyday, are you?" he asks her, skeptically.

"No, of course not. But besides, it's only ten minutes away from the penthouse. Anyway, no. Not everyday." Elle responds. 

"Good. Because I need you in the penthouse everyday. It's easier if you lived there with us." Lloyd formally says.

"Most of my stuff is already there. And yes, I am moving in there. It's just that, um, I have dogs…so I need to feed them—" she tells him casually.

He cuts her off. "You have dogs!? You didn't bother to tell me, leaving out a huge fucking detail?" he yells through the phone, not giving a shit about people around him hearing him.

She huffs. "It's not a big detail, Lloyd. It's just a small one. I have neighbors so they could help me feed them every morning. Why don't you like dogs, anyway? Are you more of a cat person?" Elle teases him instead and Six chuckles quietly.

Lloyd rolls his eyes. "I'm neither. Pets are too messy. Anyhow, I'm hanging up, I'm about to leave this mall and go back. When are you coming back?" he asks as he starts to walk through the crowd.

She hums confusedly. "I don't know. Probably in the afternoon? I want to hang around here for a bit before I have to fully move to the penthouse. It's my childhood home, Lloyd." Elle says, genuinely.

"Right. Well, get home soon. Don't want anything to happen to my weapon." Lloyd tells her in an uptight tone.

Elle grimaces. "I'm not your weapon. I'm the CIA's weapon." she whispers on the phone. 

Lloyd smirks and chuckles, which slightly intimidates her. "Sure you are, sweetheart. But I was wrong. You're our weapon. Mine and Six's. Alright, be safe. I'm going." he says before ending the call as he gets in his personal car that he rented.

***

She frowns from the phone call with Lloyd earlier as she puts her phone back to her purse. 

Six is casually chewing his chicken shawarma roll as he looks at Elle with concern, noticing her frown. He always notices everything about her. 

And she caught his look.

"I'm fine. Lloyd was just being an asshole as usual. He told me that I was his and your weapon. I feel like I'm an object, just a personal weapon to use whenever he wants." she says, involuntarily pouting her lower lips. She does that a lot when she's upset.

He shakes his head. "That's not true. You're a human being, Elle. And I don't think you're our weapon. You're their asset, just like me and Lloyd but just more important and valuable." Six tells her, honestly.

Her lips slowly grow into a smile. "Thanks, Six. You always know how to say the right things." she sweetly says.

Six snorts softly. "Not all the time. I don't usually talk a lot, like this." he admits.

Elle cocks her head to the side. "Really?"

He nods, taking a sip of his drink. "Yeah, just simple answers. Like 'copy, Six.' or 'got it, target on sight', just the usual words I say through my earpiece to my superiors. That's it. This is new for me, Elle, talking to you a lot like this. And to Lloyd, I guess."

Her smile grows wider, reaching out to his hand on the table as his thick fingers hold her tiny ones. "This is new for all of us, Six. I've never lived together with someone other than my parents. Now I have to move in with two hot guys." she tells him.

Six blushes as he tries to hide a smile escaping from his lips and he lifts his eyebrows in surprise. "You think we're hot, huh?" He teases her. 

She giggles. "Whatever. You know the answer already." Elle retorts.

He does. 

He quietly chuckles. "Finish your food. We can't go back to the penthouse late. He'll lose his mind." Six makes a point as she nods, eating her food quicker.

***

The walk from the restaurant to her house was really short. 

They went inside her quiet neighborhood as he watched her greet literally everyone there and they all knew her too. They all asked who the white guy was walking beside her and she just casually said he was a friend visiting. 

People are very nosy here. But still polite.

Elle opens the small gate to her house, stepping aside to let Six in first. "Make yourself at home. You're my honored guest." she says with a playful smile on her lips before getting in too, closing the gate behind her.

Her house is quaint. Wide but not huge. It's a little messy. It has a spacious terrace that's surrounded by a small swing and a lot of trees. It's cool and chilly here.

Her dogs immediately bust out from inside the house and come jumping at her as they bark at Six. She has four dogs. Two old ones and two puppies who are twins.

Elle giggles at her dogs, managing to pet all of them as she looks at Six who's smiling quietly. He likes this. It's normal. He can't recall when's the last time his life was ever normal. 

She points at one of her two old dogs, the blonde one. "This is Luna. She's thirteen years old. She's quite big. I adopted her when she was only two months old. She loves to run a lot." she tells him.

Six nods, pointing at her other old dog, who's a little bit fatter than Luna and its hair is a mix of brown and white. "And this one?" he asks.

Elle smiles wider. "This is Mack. He's thirteen as well. He likes to eat all the time, that's why he's so fat. But he's still healthy. And I also adopted him when he was two months old." she responds, before pointing her finger at the twins who are both full white.

"And these are Poppy and Penny. They're twins, as you can tell. They're only a year old. I found them abandoned in the trash. Anywho, let's get in. They'll warm up to you, by the way." She grabs his hand, guiding him inside her house. 

They step inside her house through the wide opened wooden door as her dogs stay outside, to guard the house as usual.

Her living room is basically empty. There's only a few chairs and an old TV that's probably from the 1990s. It's a narrow and wide house, just straight through here, they can see everything and the whole house from here. There's three rooms. One was her parent's bedroom but she changed it into a guest bedroom and it's right behind the living room.

The second room, that's in the middle with a large window to see inside the room, is a storage room, where she keeps most of her stuff, old clothes, new ones and suitcases. It's a really small room. It used to be her childhood playroom. The wall is pink and filled with stickers. Almost like the one in the penthouse. 

As she leads further into the house, there's a room in the corner and it's hers. But at the far side of it, there's the kitchen and dining room. The table is all messy, filled with all of her stuff. She never eats there anymore. She prefers to eat in her room.

"Is this your room?" Six asks, pointing to the wooden door in the corner. 

Elle nods. "Yeap. Fair warning, it's messier than anything in this house."

He chuckles. "I'm fine with that." 

She looks at him for assurance and it's all there. He doesn't mind. What matters is that it's her room. He doesn't even have a place to call home. He wants to see what it's like to have one. Because maybe, just maybe, he could find a home in her. A place doesn't define home, but a person does. And she might just be the right person for that.

Her lips curve into a soft smile before leading him to her room as she opens the door with her mind and he's already starting to get used to that by now.

She's fucking amazing. 

"So, this is me!" Elle exclaims, walking into her room with him behind her as he observes her room, every inch of it.

It's smaller than any rooms in the penthouse and her room there. There's small colorful paintings attached onto the white wall. There's at least ten or more of them. A desk beside him, where it's all messy as well — papers, empty canvases, snacks and paint brushes are splayed all over the table. And on the right side of the room, there's a huge black closet that's really old, even older than her and it's definitely haunted.

His eyes dart to the middle of the room, and there's her bed. It's huge. It's king-sized. Even though she lives alone, she still wanted a really big bed to lay on. The sheets are white. There's one plushy doll that she still keeps until now and a long, cute pink blanket folded neatly on it. 

Her bathroom is on the other side of her room, the left side. It's beside her TV that's not so old, at least. She only keeps it on when she wants to block out all the noises she hears from everyone and everything outside this room.  

"I didn't know you paint." Six quietly remarks, still standing in her door frame as she sits on her bed. 

Elle looks at him. "Yeah. Used to." she replies, "Hey, come here." She pats her bed, gesturing for him.

He does what he's told, stepping inside her room fully and sits awkwardly on the edge of her bed. He doesn't even know why he's being so nervous when they've literally slept together in his bed last night. 

"So, what do you want to do now?" Six asks and she turns to him with a smile.

"We could go for an afternoon walk later. But for now, let's just stay here. It's still too hot for a walk. We could watch some TV and just chill here." she suggests but realizes she's been rambling. "Or if that's too boring we could—" 

Six cuts her off, his palm resting on the other side of her head. "No, that sounds good. I just want to chill and relax. But it is a bit hot." he points out. He's wearing a blazer, of course it's too hot for him.

Elle giggles. "Yeah, I'll turn on the AC." she says, her eyes darting to it as she turns it on with her mind and then darts to the opened door before closing it with her mind too.

He laughs quietly. "I'm still getting used to that." he murmurs, scotting closer to her.

She grabs the remote from the bed and turns it on. "You know, this reminds me of yesterday. Just a different setting." 

Six hums in response, taking off his blazer as she stares at his muscular arms and huge biceps, discreetly before retreating her eyes to the TV, that's showing a local channel and she quickly changes it into an international channel, something English.

"I need to start learning the language. Can you teach me?" Six asks her and she turns to him with a smile, her eyes lighting up with excitement.

"Of course! Indonesian is pretty easy, I've fluently spoken it since the second grade. Basically, what you read is what you speak. Unlike other languages where you need certain pronunciations that are totally different from what's written. Like French." Elle says, wrinkling her nose. 

He nods, agreeing. "Yeah, French is pretty hard. How many languages do you speak?" he asks.

Elle raises her fingers and counts nine of them, unsurely. "Nine? Ten? I don't know. English, Indonesian, Spanish, Portuguese, French, German, Latin, Russian, Italian and…Hindi. Oh, also, Chinese. My mom's family is Chinese. I learned it in school."

Six's lips twitch, seeing her so cute like this makes him want to kiss the shit out of her. "So, eleven. How'd you learn all of them?"

Her eyes stare into his blue eyes and she sighs, her lips tugging into a soft smile. "My parents did. They, uh, wanted me to be super smart. I learned all of those languages and got fluent in them in a few months. They would buy me tons of books and then make me watch all these foreign movies. It was easy for me because the experiment made my brain…smart." she explains, "What about you?" 

He strokes her hair slowly. "Most of them. I don't count. But I was trained to learn the basics." Six simply responds. He can't tell her what he'd been through during his extreme training. Not yet, at least. He doesn't want to scare her. 

Elle nods, leaning her head on his shoulder as her hands rest on his thigh. "I don't want to think about the world right now. Even if it's just for a while." she murmurs, weakly.

She's very touchy feely. She likes to be touched and vice versa. It gives her comfort and assurance. And it feels more affectionate. She loves affectionate things.

Six chuckles softly, tilting his head down to see her. "That'd be kinda hard when we're both valuable assets for the CIA." he reminds her. He's not relaxed yet.

She shakes her head. "Forget that. Just for a few hours. We're not needed now." she whispers as she slowly releases her feet from her shoes and lifts them on the bed, crossing her legs comfortably.

He brushes her hair away to look at her face clearly. "I can do that." he whispers before placing his arm around her, tightly.

He could do this. He could enjoy this. Because for once in his life, he can be at ease and not so alert all the time. He can trust her.

***

The gym is finally fucking perfect. Almost.

Lloyd spent hours bossing people around and yelling at them just to make it how he wants it to look like.

He even forgot to eat or drink. He had some…plans. He was going to go to some other bar, somewhere nearby here and find someone pretty enough to fuck.

He's seen the ladies here. They're pretty and all but he has very high standards. He needs to make sure they're not too stupid or too shallow or too clingy. He usually picks up girls from bars and clubs all around the world. But in some countries where he's been on missions, like France or Italy or Germany, the girls there fit his standards at the very least. This country is the first third world country he's ever been to.

That's why when he met Elle, he knew she was different and better. Because he saw each and every girl in that bar (even in the airport as well) but they didn't look even a little bit interesting enough for him and they all looked the same to him. Sometimes he doesn't just want a simple fuck, he likes a challenge every now and then — it gets his dick even harder.

Elle offers him a challenge. A really hard one where he can't even touch her at all. At this point, it's not a fun challenge anymore. It's serious.

It's afternoon now. He could clearly see it from the afternoon sun in the large window of the living room. Could see the whole city and the whole skies from here. He's still weighing on his decisions — he still doesn't know if it's a good idea to go to a bar and fuck a girl or bring her home with Elle around. He doesn't want her to see or hear him balls deep, pounding some other chick. He knows she probably won't like that very much, she could get quite uncomfortable by it.

He walks to the kitchen, opening the fridge as he takes out a cold water bottle with a ridiculously expensive brand. Lloyd likes expensive things, expensive everything. He has a few things to say about Elle's choice of outfits. He wants to change her style, get her into designer outfits and dress her classy and chic.

But he can't even do that either. She's not for him to play around like a pretty little doll — even though he really wants to do exactly that. Toy her around. Dress her around. Fuck her around.

Lloyd blinks, shaking his head to brush off those dirty and sadistic thoughts inside of his mind. She's his teammate now, technically. They're working together. It would be so much harder to focus on missions if she was his.

He reaches his phone from his back pocket and checks the time. It's 4.32pm. He's recalling Elle's words earlier from their call. She said they'd be home by the afternoon but they're probably still there and not even close to getting back. And he can't let them get back late. Or maybe even stay the night there. She has to be in his sight and in his reach or else something could happen to her.

I need to see her. Now.

Lloyd frowns at his own thoughts. He hates himself for caring so much for her. But again, he's trying to convince himself he's not. It's for the mission. It's his mission to make sure the precious weapon is safe and sound and the only way to do that is to keep her with him at all times, not letting her out of his sight for too long. He knows Six's got her and he trusts the man enough to protect her but still. He needs to see her because he's worried for her.

He's never going to admit that, though.

He storms out of the kitchen as he immediately walks towards the foyer and the elevator to go downstairs, to the car.

He's coming to get her.

***

Elle and Six are walking side-by-side each other in her neighborhood park with each twin puppy's leash in their hands as the older dogs run freely.

He's got Poppy. She's got Penny.

They're great paw parents. They're both happy and content. A rare feeling for them.

Six can't recall when was the last time he ever had a normal walk like this. Especially with dogs. He had one childhood dog growing up, but then he never saw it again after what happened.

He's just glad to be here. With her.

Six quietly smiles at her as he watches her enjoy this peaceful and quiet walk as much as he does.

He doesn't even bother to observe and analyze the area anymore. There are people around them, walking and running and talking loudly but he completely ignores them. He usually has to examine each and every person in the room and determine if the place is safe or not — that's how he was trained. But she said it's safe here, then it's safe here. He trusts her.

Instead, he's focusing on her only. Not on the dogs barking or on the puppy's leash he's holding that keeps on pulling his hand or on the neighbors greeting her every time, but at her. She's really fucking beautiful that he couldn't even keep his eyes off of her this whole time and she's not even trying.

She's just wearing a casual pink top from earlier and she recently changed into some denim shorts at home. She tied her brunette hair into a high ponytail and let out a few loose strands resting on the side of her face. She looks incredibly gorgeous to him. He can't even understand how anyone could look this effortlessly pretty naturally and not even notice it.

"Where are we going, Elle?" Six asks as she leads them into a secluded neighborhood now, where no one else is here anymore. Just quiet houses, the dogs and them.

"Around." Elle smirks, turning to him.

He shakes his head, reaching out for her hand as he holds her small hand in his huge ones. She's distracted and trying to be oblivious now. She has blocked out all the noises she hears from afar thanks to a small spell she casted earlier at home before leaving. Now, all she can hear is her dogs walking, their footsteps and him.

She's hearing like normal now. Though, the spell doesn't last for long. It only lasts for a few minutes. She only uses it when she really wants to relax. And she even had to create this spell herself using her own blood. It's a mix of science and magic.

Six moves to walk even closer to her and stops his walking as she does too. She giggles. "What? What is it?" she asks, smiling at him.

He exhales, slowly catching his breath. "Why don't we take a break? We've been at it for half an hour now. I'm not that young anymore, Elle." he reminds her.

Elle laughs softly, knowing he's joking. "Oh, right. I forgot that you're an old man already. I guess we should've brought some stamina pills or something." she jokes, tilting her head to the side with a fake pout.

Six lets out a hearty laugh, shaking his head. "Nah, I'm joking. I just wanted to stop and kiss you." he admits, pulling her by her hand on his as their bodies bump into each other and she giggles again.

She gasps, shaking her head. "Fuck, not here. Definitely not here. Anyone could pass by right now. Anyone that knows me here. Wait till we get home." She's being paranoid, as always.

He sighs, "Fine. But it's a long way home."

Her smile widens. "Yeap. We should probably get going if we need to get back to the penthouse before dinner." Elle says.

Six chuckles. "Don't tell me you're actually going to cook dinner for us. You don't need to, Elle." he tells her in a serious tone.

She nods. "I am. And I want to." she stubbornly says.

He dips his head and laughs. "You're impossible." Six remarks.

Elle grins and giggles, humming teasingly. "Yeah, and you love it." she retorts.

He subtly nods, his palm resting on a side of her face and she leans into his touch. Both of their other hands are occupied with the twins' leashes and they keep on pulling their hand, urging them to keep walking but they're too lost in each other's eyes as their smile lingers and they're spaced out in each other, like the world just froze and it's only them now. Only them that matters.

Six knows this isn't a vacation for him or a chance for him to finally relax. This is a mission. A real one. One that he has to take seriously just like with his other missions. Just because he met someone, it doesn't mean he gets to forget his job and what he was trained for. He's just trying to enjoy one day of his life without any death or pain. Just one normal day, with her.

Elle has had normal days in her life after her parents left her. This one seems just as normal and the only difference is she's with someone now, someone she actually wants. She could keep living like this. Just like this with him.

But then again, when has anything ever been just perfect in both of their lives?

It all happens too fast. They hear the gunshots first. And then the people's screams. Elle panics. Six is a bit startled because he let his guard down and now they're in danger. He needs to protect her. She's his first priority. That's his mission.

A shady pickup truck approaches them at a fast speed and he immediately shoves her behind him along with the puppies as the older dogs bark directly at the moving vehicle. Elle's scared shitless that they're going to hurt or kill her dogs or hurt him.

They get a clear view of the shooters standing behind the truck with their cheap guns in their hands and a mask over their face. There's three men and another one driving the truck.

"Ayo, ambil dia!" The driver says in Indonesian before the truck stops in front of them abruptly and the men get off the truck, walking to them from a far distance as Elle flinches behind him.

(Translation : Come on, take her!)

"What's he saying?" Six asks her quickly.

"They want to take me." Elle quickly replies with her eyes terrified.

"Shit. Okay, stay here." he tells her before walking to them calmly, ready to fight them all off but as soon as they saw the look on his face, they immediately got intimidated and alarmed by him as two of them point their guns at him and shoot him aimlessly, the two bullets penetrating his left arm and his shoulder.

He doesn't even wince in pain or flinch anymore, he's used to pain. He could walk this off and still take all three of them down and go back home just in time for dinner.

Elle widens her eyes at the sight of Six shot as she grimaces. "No!" she screams out loud, "Six, back off. Now." she tells him. They got guns and he's shot.

He ignores her, not even looking her way, still stepping forward to the men as one of them runs away to her direction and that's when he finally turns around to look at her.

She's confused and scared as the man approaches her and she hides her puppies behind her so he doesn't hurt them. She's got strong hands but she doesn't even know how to punch a face or kick someone. She's only got powers. A hell of a bunch of it.

She raises her hand and slowly clenches it into a fist as she gives the man in front of her a brain aneurysm while he screams in pain and gets all bloody in his nose and eyes before dropping unconscious to the ground. He'll be dead in a matter of minutes.

Six sees that and turns around to the men as he clenches his fist, about to punch them but Elle gets ahead of him, walking towards the two men, angrily with her hand still raised and they quickly retreat, running to their car as they just saw what she did to their friend.

"Idiots." Six comments, casually standing up normally beside her as if he didn't just get shot and still has two bullets inside of him.

As they're running to the car, she follows them with anger seeping inside her. They ruined their nice afternoon walk, hurted a few civilians and they hurt Six. No one ever hurts the people she cares about and walks away with it. And this was different, she feels different. More angry and powerful. She's never felt like this before except for last week. She felt the same rage last week, too.

The two men running look behind them to see her following them as they quickly grab their guns, pulling the trigger at her twice and the bullets land on both sides of her arms. She winces in pain, stopping in her tracks as Six immediately runs towards her and the men make it to their car.

The pain doesn't hurt much for her. She's got an actual high tolerance for pain because of the experiment, so everytime she gets hurt, it won't hurt as much as if a normal human gets hurt. It'll hurt ten times less than it actually should be. But this is the first time she's ever gotten shot ever since the experiment that was conducted by her parents when she was about ten years old. They shot her in her hand, to make sure if she was immune to it. She forgot how painful it was getting shot and this is two bullets at the same time. She's still not used to the pain yet.

Six looks down at her wounded arms, filled with blood all over and gently places his hands on her shoulders. "Hey, come on. It's over now. Let's just go home." he tells her.

Elle looks away from him to the direction of the car. "It's not over. They hurt us." she grits out, brushing away from him. She's even more angry now. She needs to finish this.

The car starts to move away from them as she stands still in her position and focuses her mind and powers on the car with her very strong emotions as well. She raises one hand towards the direction of the car and chants one single fire spell in Latin that no one ever uses because they're not powerful enough to do it. But she is.

And then the car blows up. To pieces. On fire. Along with the men inside of it. She could super-hear their screams of agony as they burn to death and she doesn't even blink her eyes or flinch.

Six widens his eyes, quickly glancing back at her who's still looking at the car with no emotions on her face and almost smiling with her eyes at the sight of it. She looks different. He doesn't even recognize her here. But he's not scared of her or weirded out, he just didn't know that this side of her existed. He'd embraced every side of her no matter what.

"Elle, let's go. Now." he harshly says, hoping to snap her out of it.

She finally turns to look at him and her entire facial expressions change as her face slowly relaxes at him. "Are you okay?" she asks in a shaky breath.

He nods. "We need to go. Can you walk?"

Elle nods, looking over to her puppies and dogs who're hiding behind a tree together, safely. "Yeah, I can. I know a short alley to get home quicker." she tells him, still grimacing a little from the pain in her arms.

Six attempts to take a step but stumbles a little before she catches him with both of her strong arms as she sneaks her arm behind his waist and grabs his hand to rest on her shoulders.

"Elle, I'm fine. You're also hurt." he says.

"It doesn't hurt as much as yours. I have an extremely high pain tolerance. Now, let me help you so we can get home and I can heal both of us there." Elle sternly says.

Six simply nods and obeys her, letting himself lean his weight on her as they proceed to walk away from the crime scene.

***

Lloyd's been waiting inside her empty house for almost an hour now.

He'd assumed that they were just taking an afternoon walk.

But this was way longer than a walk. He's worried now, somehow. For both of them.

Anything could happen out there. And he's not there to make sure they're safe.

He's just been sitting inside her living room, in a small and uncomfortable chair with all of his agents guarding her house outside, just in case.

Suddenly, an agent walks up to him with a nervous and anxious look on his face.

Lloyd frowns. "Why is your face like that?" he asks.

"There's been a shooting not far from here. Civilians are shot and the shooter's car has been blown up. We think that Elle and Six were there. Some neighbors said that they saw them walking there minutes before it happened." His agent reports to him.

He rises up from his chair. "What? Where are they now?" Lloyd asks in a loud tone.

The agent shrugs. "We don't know. We've searched the area. No sign of them yet. But we'll keep searching." he responds.

Lloyd shakes his head. "No. Don't. I have a feeling that they've already fled the crime scene and are on the way here. I know them. Just guard the house. Make sure no one but them enters here." he orders him.

His agent nods and leaves him to his thoughts.

He's contemplating on whether to just stay here and wait for them to come home or search for them. He knows that they're both capable enough to fight back and he's even got a stronger feeling that she's the one who blew up that car. It's her style. It's like her to do that. He knows that. He knows her.

But now he's even more worried for her. He knows Six is fine. He always is, no matter what.

What if she's badly hurt? It was his damn job to protect her.

***

When Six and Elle finally get home, Lloyd immediately rushes to get to them.

It's only been five minutes since he got the news but it's been consuming him as he waited. It felt like decades of waiting.

"Lloyd? What are you doing here?" Elle asks as the agents open the gate of her house for them while her dogs run inside.

His eyes immediately searched both of their bodies and saw blood. A lot of it. Six is still clinging onto her as they walk into their house and they stand on the terrace with Lloyd in front of them, examining them. She looks fine. He looks worse.

"You're bleeding. We need to get you both a doctor. Now." Lloyd orders.

She shakes her head. "There's no need. I can heal myself and heal Six. I just need a little help." Elle says, weakly.

Lloyd lunges forward to her, gently taking her off of Six as two other agents try to help him but he raises a hand at them.

"No. I can walk by myself." Six tells them as Lloyd puts an arm around her to help her walk.

Her bullet wounds aren't as painful as Six's wounds and she knows that. But she's just tired. She just used her powers to kill a man and explode a car today while being shot. And then she practically had to half-carry Six's heavy body on their walk home. And now, she has to use her powers again to heal both of them.

Even with her enhanced strength and stamina and strong powers, she's still human. She'll always be too tired at the end of the day. And she doesn't have enough experience or training to be used to all of it. She's only human. Sometimes she has to remind herself of that every now and then.

Elle leans all of her weight on Lloyd as he guides them to walk inside the house while Six casually walks beside them with a hand pressing on his bleeding shoulder.

Once they're all inside the house, the agents close the door, locking it and closing the curtains of the window too as all of them guard outside the house.

She gestures to Lloyd to let her sit on a chair in her living room as he takes her there, helping her sit down on it and she winces again while leaning onto the chair as she throws her head back and grunts a little in pain.

"Fuck, that hurts. I never knew that it'd hurt this bad." Elle breathes out as Six takes a seat across from her, the same seat that Lloyd sat on earlier.

She's not about to tell them that she's been shot before by her parents when she was a child. Now is not the time for a trauma dump.

"You've never gotten shot before?" Lloyd seriously asks, sitting on a small chair beside her.

She shakes her head. "Nope." she replies, rolling her shirt up, looking down at her wounds for the first time. "Alright, this is going to look extremely disgusting and gory so I suggest both of you to look away or close your eyes or something."

Lloyd scoffs. "Yeah, right. You think we haven't seen our fair share of blood and gore in our life?" he retorts.

Elle casually shrugs. "I just thought I'd warn you. But fine." she says, looking at Six for his answer.

Six nods at her. "I won't look away." he simply says.

"Okay." she mutters before resting her left arm on the armrest and she bits her lips hard to stifle a scream as her strong fingers dig into the bullet wound and she grunts in pain, trying to find the bullet in there and after a few seconds, she finds it but getting it out is going to be the hard task since her blood is making everything so slippery.

Lloyd grimaces at the sight of it. Six does, too. They didn't know that her healing herself would be like this. She was right. This was gory and disgusting. They've seen a handful of gory shit in their life, Lloyd was right, but this was nothing like anything they've ever seen. Especially seeing their precious Elle in so much pain like this. It makes them a little bit…vulnerable.

Six doesn't say anything. He knows he just has to let her do her thing. He trusts her to heal herself even though the process is painful to watch.

"Elle, are you sure that this process should be this barbaric? I think the doctor was a better idea." Lloyd remarks.

She groans out loud as her fingers finally take out the bullet and she hands it to Lloyd with two of her bloody fingers pinching it.

He scowls, leaning back from her. "I don't want the fucking bullet. Throw it."

Elle chuckles in a shaky breath. "Yeah, could you throw it for me?" she innocently asks just to tease him.

"Absolutely not. Throw it yourself." he quickly says.

She rolls her eyes. "Fine." she says, throwing the bullet onto the floor with her blood all over it.

Lloyd grimaces at that before his eyes dart to her again. "You need stitches after that fucking manual surgery you just had." he comments.

She scoffs, lifting her left arm to him as her wound slowly closes up and heals completely with a lot of her blood still around it but she's healed already. Just like that. Six sees it too, and he's relieved. He was a little bit worried for her during their walk home but he just kept it to himself, as usual.

"Oh. So you just need to take the bullet out and then it'll heal automatically? What about a stab wound?" Lloyd asks.

"If there's nothing on the knife that's inside of me, then it should heal itself." she replies.

"What if someone shot you in the head?" he asks.

"Then maybe I'll die. I don't know. Or I could still have the time to take it out. What I know is, I don't feel pain as much as other humans do. I feel it ten times less." Elle explains.

Lloyd nods. "Alright. Get on with that barbaric process of yours. I need to make a report with Denny. Wait, I haven't asked. What the fuck happened out there?" he finally asks.

She softly chuckles. "Took you long enough. Yeah, four local men tried to kidnap me but two of them shot Six and then I killed one of them with a brain aneurysm. After that, I chased the two who shot Six to their car but they shot me and then I blew up their car. And then they died. Obviously." Elle explains in her own way.

He frowns. "Fucking hell. You could've at least called. I got here an hour before this all happened. Why did they even try to kidnap you?" Lloyd asks.

Elle frowns. "Wait. You got here before everything? Why?" she questions him.

He shrugs. "Just wanted to check up on you. Both of you. Something could've happened and I was right." he pauses, "So, why did they do it?" he repeats his question.

She looks at him with raised eyebrows. "Seriously? I'm the fucking weapon, Lloyd. Clearly, people are still after me to use me as their weapon here, in this city. I just didn't know that it would happen in my own neighborhood where it should've been safe. Now innocent civilians are shot because of me. Because they were after me." Elle blames herself as usual.

"No. Don't blame yourself again, Elle. That wasn't your fault." Six tells her, slowly straightening up in his seat.

Lloyd nods. "Yeah, we could've never predicted it. I guess I should've had some of our agents with you earlier."

Elle squints his eyes at him. "This isn't about me. I don't give a fuck about what happens to me but the civilians—"

He cuts her off. "But I do. I give a fuck. You're my first priority in this mission, Elle. Not the civilians or the missions assigned from the agency. But you are. You have to know that." Lloyd makes it clear for her. He's using a harsh tone but he's not raising his voice.

He needs her to know that he could care less about anyone else but her because he takes his missions seriously. He could quite literally let someone die just to save her or keep her safe. And it's strictly for the mission only — at least that's what he's saying to convince himself and her.

She slowly nods at him, her eyes darting back and forth to Six and Lloyd as a small silence rests between them.

"I know. I know that." Elle softly says.

"Good. You should keep that in mind whenever you start talking about someone else's life above yours. Yours matter the most because you're valuable." he tells her.

"Right. So everyone else is just worthless and deserves to die?" she harshly retorts.

Lloyd rolls his eyes, his eyes bore into hers as he leans closer to her. "That's not what I meant." he grits out before realizing, "No, you know what I meant. You always do. You're too smart sometimes. It gets annoying." he comments.

"Yeah, I'm more valuable than everyone else because my abilities could help a lot of people so therefore I can't die because then who would save everyone else? Who would become the hero they all so desperately need?" Elle retorts.

He scoffs. "It's impossible to be a hero. You know that already. And it's not just that. The CIA wants your abilities for a lot of things that don't involve you being the hero. I don't know what exactly that is but you should know that they're…twisted. So that's why you're so valuable. There's no one else like you. Literally." Lloyd tells her.

She gulps. Is what he's saying true? Or is he just trying to scare her? Deep down inside of her knows that he is telling the truth. But she wants to deny it. Even if it's just for a while. To keep her calm and not jump into conclusions.

Six winces a little, starting to cough up a little blood from his mouth. "Shit," he mutters under his breath but this living room is too quiet and too small so everyone heard that.

Lloyd and Elle have been bickering too much that they forgot that Six is still bleeding out from two bullet wounds.

Elle immediately gets up from her seat and walks to him. She doesn't feel as much pain anymore with her other arm healed already even though the arm that still has a bullet inside is still bleeding out.

She stands beside him, placing a hand on his. "Okay, I'm going to heal you now. It's going to be a much simpler process than mine. And not barbaric. I promise."

Six frowns. "You haven't healed your other arm yet." he mutters.

She casually shakes her head. "It doesn't hurt that much now that the other arm has healed. I heal differently than you, Six. I also feel pain differently. You can actually die from a gunshot but I can't. I never can. So, let me heal you now so we could get this over with and I could take a long, cold shower in my own bathroom."

He slowly nods his head before she hovers her hand on the bullet wound on his shoulder and her other hand on the bullet wound on his arm while focusing her powers on it as she chants a healing spell that she made herself under her breath and for him, it feels a little hot for his skin but not exactly painful.

And after a few seconds, he could slowly feel his wounds closing up and healing as the pain went away while the bullets bounce away, landing on her palms.

"Wow," Six mutters under his breath as her hands leave his shoulder and arm while her lips curve into a smile, seeing him better and healed. His eyes look up at hers and his lips slowly tug into a small smile as Lloyd sees it and he didn't even know the man could smile like that. Because it's genuine. It's not a polite or a formal smile but it's a real one. He wants to actually smile because of her.

Elle turns around to Lloyd. "Hey, maybe we should stay the night here just for tonight. If someone's coming after me again, we could finish it. They know I'd be here. But just for safety reasons, I'll be putting up a barrier spell for this house so anyone except for all of us can't enter the house."

He frowns. "The penthouse is way safer."

She huffs. "I can't put up a barrier spell for the penthouse."

"Why not?" Lloyd asks, pulling his eyebrows together.

"Because it's a whole goddamn building, Hansen. I'm not that powerful. Besides, if we're just going to be hiding in the penthouse, this would never be over. I just want to make sure. If they're not after me anymore, then that's good. We can come back to the penthouse tomorrow morning." Elle makes a plan.

He eventually nods, agreeing with her plan as he stands up from his seat and looks down at her with his gaze almost softened.

"I'll find who did this. And then I'll chop their fucking head off, okay?" Lloyd softly tells her in a genuine tone as if he's not talking about murder.

It's not necessarily his job to kill anyone that hurt her but he wants to. Lloyd's frustrated that someone dared to hurt his precious weapon and he sure as hell won't let them get away with it — he's going to do much worse than just chop their head off, he's going to think of thousands of ways to torture a human until they're begging him to kill them.

Plus, if anything worse had happened to her, Denny's going to want his head for it. But this is so much more than just the mission. It's her. He didn't like seeing her hurt like that. He can't explain why but he just didn't like it.

She hums in response. "Yeah. Okay. So, there's only two rooms in this house. The guest bedroom and my room. The guest bedroom should be for the agents so they could rest for a while and exchange shifts to guard the house. And, well…I guess we could all sleep in my room? It's a big enough bed and there's no other choice." she explains to them while looking at both of them.

Six quietly chuckles. Lloyd frowns, wanting to protest but he knows it is the only choice. He's not going to just sleep in the penthouse and leave her alone, out of his sight again.

"Fine. But you're sleeping in the middle." Lloyd finally agrees.

Elle snickers. "Where else would I be?" she jokes instead, making the situation a little bit lighter and less awkward as Six quietly smiles at them.

Sleeping all together would definitely be extremely awkward, though.

Lloyd moves to walk towards the entrance of the door before turning to them while gripping the door handle. "I'm going to inform the agents. Oh, and you two need a shower. You both stink of a lot of blood and it's disgusting. But, shower separately, of course." he tells them.

Six and Elle both chuckle in sync as he proceeds to open the door and leave them.

She turns to him with a smile. "You should go shower first. I need to heal my other arm. Oh, and there's some extra clothes your size in a small bottom drawer in my room. It's my dad's clothes that he left but don't worry, I washed all of it. I still keep it in case someone needs it, you know. They're pretty nice clothes so it's a waste if I just threw it all away." Elle tells him.

Six nods, the corner of his lips twitching. "It is a little weird that I'd be wearing your dad's clothes." he remarks.

She giggles. "Well, you kinda have no more choice. There's no stores here."

He nods again, getting up from his seat. "Alright, then. I'll go shower. Are you sure you don't want me to accompany you while you heal yourself?" Six softly offers.

Elle shakes her head, tapping his arm. "I'll be fine. It's gory, remember?"

"I know. But I'd still watch you no matter how gory or disgusting it is, Elle." he tells her, his hands brushing her hair out of her face as he cups her face and she slowly smiles up at him.

She sighs softly. "Six, thank you, for protecting me earlier. I know it was your job but it felt a little more than that, you know. It felt…affectionate in some way. No one's ever made me feel like that before. No one was ever there to protect me."

"But I failed. That man was about to kidnap you and I just stood there—" he blames himself but she cuts him off.

"You still tried to. It matters to me, at least. It matters a lot. You were distracted and that's okay." She tries to reassure him.

Six gently scoffs. "Yeah, for the first time ever. But it won't happen again. I swear."

She slowly nods, putting her hand above his. "I know. I know, Six." she whispers.

Another silence rests between them as they stare into each other's eyes again, trying to remind themselves of what it was like to have a peaceful moment with just them, before all the chaos and bloodshed interrupted them.

Six was compromised. He wasn't just distracted. If this was a real mission, he would've failed for the first time ever. The infamous Sierra Six failed one simple mission because of a girl. Even the CIA would've laughed at that. Out of all the other agents or assets, he's the only one who's never failed one single mission throughout all these years. Sure, there were obstacles and problems but in the end, he always figured it out and finished his job right, no matter what.

Lloyd's failed a few missions before. But those were extremely hard missions or even impossible ones that took weeks and extra planning and extra budget, as well. And that was okay that he failed. It was reasonable. He wasn't trained as hardcore as Six was. He wasn't trained to survive for days or think critically in every kind of scenario or work under pressure.

So if Six had failed one of these missions, he'd probably get fired or get killed. At least that's what he thinks. It isn't so bad if he failed once — a lot of agents or assets have failed and they were fine. But he doesn't want to. Not even once. He has to make sure he doesn't fail now. He needs to be himself again, before meeting Elle.

Cold. Uncompromised. Focused. Uncaring. Nonchalant. That is what he was and still is.

He's not going to act like that towards her or even Lloyd. Just that he needs to start acting like that again during missions, which will be next week. So he's going to be completely unbothered even if he sees her hurt or in danger — he'll still help her if she needs it but if she says she's got it then he won't help her because he trusts her enough to protect herself. But most importantly, he won't feel anything when he sees her hurt so he won't get distracted.

Because if he feels, that's when shit could go sideways.

Elle cocks her head to the side. "Six? Go take a shower before I change my mind for you to go first." she snaps him out of his thoughts.

Six softly chuckles. "Okay, okay. Fine. I'll go. You gonna stay right here?" he asks, his hands leaving her face.

She nods. "Yeap. Actually, I think I need to do a few more things before I can finally shower and relax." she informs him.

He nods. "Alright." Six simply says before walking past her to go towards her bedroom that's right in the far corner.

Elle sits back down in his seat and sighs, leaning her arms against the armrests as she looks down on her other bloody arm that still has a bullet inside it while she hears Lloyd order his agents around outside, being all bossy and stubborn like he usually is.

She can't believe that she has to share a bed with him.

***

Elle hasn't had the time to even rest yet.

She's been too busy with handling everything here.

From calming her dogs down, cleaning her blood with a bunch of meds, securing the house and the perimeter with a barrier spell, telling the agents to remain hidden and discreet from all her neighbours to avoid questions and getting groceries for the night at her local grocery store.

Six and Lloyd have been holed up in her room for the whole afternoon and night now. It's about 8pm now. Six is quietly watching television on her bed. Lloyd is scrolling through his phone on a chair beside her bed. They're both bored.

They're waiting for her as she's cooking dinner in her kitchen. Lloyd already insisted on getting takeouts earlier but she refused.

She's extremely stubborn.

Lloyd finally puts his phone down and glances at Six, whose eyes are still focused on some movie on the TV as he rests his head on the white wall, laying his entire body on the bed. He's tired. He wishes Elle is right beside him right now but she's been busy.

"Six." Lloyd calls out and his eyes immediately dart to his icy blue ones.

"Yeah?" Six replies.

"How old is she?" he asks, quietly and it almost comes out as a whisper.

Six frowns. "Why do you suddenly ask?"

Lloyd shrugs. "I don't know. I'm bored. And the question has been itching my head. I guess I should've asked back at the bar."

Six nods. "Yeah, you should've. Alright, okay, she's 29. Technically."

He frowns. "Are you sure? Was she drunk when she told you that? Oh wait, she can't get drunk. No. That's not possible, she looks way younger than fucking 29 years old."

He quietly chuckles, shaking his head. "She told me that she ages slower."

Lloyd nods. "Okay, how slow? Ten years slower? Five?"

Six casually shrugs. "I don't know, Lloyd. Maybe? What does she look like to you?"

He furrows his brows, cocking his head to the side. "Like, 21 or 23?" he guesses.

He chuckles again. "Jesus, Lloyd. That's way too young."

"Well, I don't know. She looks like it."

Six frowns again. "Why do you want to know, anyway?" he asks again.

Lloyd sputters. "Curiosity. I don't know. Boredom. Not that I'd have to know if it's legal or not to fuck her. Of course it is since she let us f—"

He cuts her off. "Let's not objectify her like that. Sure, she's a weapon. But she's still a human being. Treat her like one."

"I am. She means more than just a weapon to me. Somehow." Lloyd says, creasing his eyebrows as he gives him a suspicious look. "Wait. Why are you always defending her? Are you…are you fucking her, Six?" he accuses.

Six rolls his eyes. "If I am, what does it matter?" he snaps.

Lloyd frowns at his attitude. It's not very him. "Why have you been so different ever since we landed in Jakarta? It's like you're a whole different person. You usually don't talk much or even give an attitude. Is it her? Did she manage to change the infamous Sierra Six? That's bad, Six." he confronts him.

He frowns. "I didn't change, Hansen. I just chose to keep everything to myself before her. She's…good at listening to me. She's a good person. Despite the circumstances."

He scoffs. "Yeah, or she's also good at something else." Lloyd smirks at his own words as he immediately gets what he's saying.

Six shakes his head. "No. We're not—no. But I could ask you the same thing. Do you want to, you know, fuck her? I saw the way you talk to her and how you look at her. I'm an observer." he confronts him.

"More like an over-observer." He retorts, clicking his tongue before rolling his eyes and letting out an exasperated exhale. "Whatever, fine. If I wanted to, so what? Not like it fucking matters anymore. I can't have her." Lloyd finally admits and it hangs between them. They're both quiet again.

He usually wouldn't admit anything to anyone especially Six of all people but right at this moment, he doesn't really have anyone else but him and he understands Lloyd. He doesn't judge, that he knows. He wouldn't make snarky comments, either. He just listens. That's all he needs.

Six nods. "Why not?" he asks in the middle of their silence.

"Didn't think you'd ask anything." he mumbles before contemplating on whether to tell him or not but it's useless anyway keeping it hidden in his head. "Well, you know why. She's our weapon. The CIA's weapon, too. We're working with her. Our teammate, technically."

He gently scoffs. "That's not why."

Lloyd sighs. "Yeah, it's not. Well, because I don't do that shit. Commitment. Even if we're just fucking and nothing else. I can only fuck her, I'm stuck with her."

"You want to fuck other people too?" he asks.

"Maybe. I just get bored so easily. I get so obsessed with one person and then after I'm done using them, I just forget why I was even obsessed with them in the first place and then I leave them. But in this case, as I said earlier, we're teammates. We work together. I can't just ignore her or even leave her." he bluntly confesses.

Six nods. "That's called sociopathic tendencies, Hansen. It's your nature. But it's still salvageable. You could change it yourself. Only you could do it."

Lloyd scoffs. "What are you, a motivator now? I don't need the pep-talk, Six. Or any sort of advice you have in your mind. I'm good, thanks." he harshly says.

"I was just saying." he mumbles quietly.

He sighs again, getting up from his seat as he moves to sit beside Six and he frowns confusedly at his action.

"Are you willing to share? Serious question." Lloyd asks, really quietly so she can't hear them from outside.

Six lifts his eyebrows in surprise, realizing that he's talking about sharing her. "I can. But can you? And we need her consent first. We need to make sure it's really what she wants."

His eyes darted away from him to think clearly. "I don't even know if it's what I want. Whatever, forget it. It's not going to work."

He sighs softly, about to say something but the door opens by none other than Elle.

"What's not going to work?" She walks in with a smile on her face and a question about something distinct she overheard from Lloyd.

Lloyd turns around to her. "Nothing. Is dinner ready?" he asks.

Elle cocks her head to the side, leaning on her door frame as she crosses her arms against her chest and stares at both of them. "Yeah. Looks like you guys are getting cozy with each other." she remarks.

Six's lips form into a small smile. "What'd you cook?" he asks her.

Her eyes move to his. "Boxed mac and cheese. Sorry guys, I'm too tired to cook a full meal. And I'm guessing that I'm probably not going to have a good night's sleep tonight with both of you sandwiching me." Elle complains.

Lloyd chuckles loudly. "Aw, sweetheart. Don't act like you're not going to enjoy being in bed with the both of us." he taunts her, as usual.

She rolls her eyes at him. "Not with you. You're probably going to take up the whole space or kick me in your sleep or something." she accuses. Possibly accurate.

He scoffs. "I won't do that. I'm not even going to hurt you in your sleep. Even my subconscious knows that you're way too precious for that." Lloyd retorts.

"Again with the precious shit. I'm only okay with it if Six says it. He says it better." Elle comments with a small smirk on her lips.

He frowns, rolling his eyes as Six chuckles quietly and he stands up from the bed, walking to her.

"Let's all have dinner, shall we?" Lloyd declares, with a fake smile at her as Six gets off of her bed and walks to them.

She nods, humming in approval, looking at both of them standing beside each other in sweatpants and a tight shirt because apparently her dad's shirts are too small for them, it's quite literally stretching on their chests, their muscular arms, their biceps and something crosses her mind before snapping out of it quickly.

They're so fucking hot. Both of them. Together. I need them. Both.

She blinks, shaking her head to brush off those nasty thoughts. "Yeap. Let's." Elle declares too, smiling at both of them with that charming and innocent smile of hers.

***

Dinner was fast. Too fast.

They were starving. Elle, especially.

Everytime she uses her powers for huge stuff, she gets really hungry. Because food is fuel after all. It's her version of recharge.

Not that she ever needs to recharge her powers, anyway. Her powers are basically unlimited and too powerful for a limitation.

They're all at her small, long dining table.

Elle and Lloyd are across from each other and Six is sitting in the middle, but closer to her.

They haven't said a word to each other at all. They're too busy chomping on their food. This is quiet and peaceful for her.

She can only hear their steady heartbeats, her dogs sleeping and snoring on the floor, the agents barely moving or talking and the cricket noises of the night.

She hasn't given today much thought. She usually overthinks and analyzes everything that happens in her life. She knows that it was an act of anger earlier today. Just like what happened in that lab. Her emotions got the best of her and she reacted with her powers. But this felt more personal than the incident last week. She saw Six hurt, someone close to her, hurt by them. So she killed them all without hesitating.

Though truth be told, she didn't have to kill them. It wasn't exactly a life or death situation with the other three men. They weren't going to hurt them anymore, they were about to leave. But she didn't want to let them go. She just didn't. Something in her urged her to do it.

She just wanted to send a message to whoever sent them. To not fuck with her or she'll blow them up to pieces. It worked, since no one has tried to come after her tonight.

Lloyd suddenly clears his throat. "I wasn't going to talk about it but I kind of have to. Elle, were there any witnesses earlier? Did you make sure no one saw you? You have to learn how to be clean in these sorts of situations. Six should've killed them. I think he'd be more discreet." he states, rudely.

She scoffs. "Discreet? Nothing about both of you says discreet. If Six had killed them, they'd make too much noise since they'd be beaten up by them. And no, no one saw us. We were in a secluded neighborhood before and that's where it all happened. We were sort-of distracted."

He frowns, leaning forward onto the table with his arms leaned on it. "Doing what?"

Six looks at him. "Walking." he interjects.

"Then how were you distracted?" he asks again.

Elle shrugs casually. "We just were. Anyway, if you're done with all the interrogation, I'm going to have dessert." she announces, rising up from her chair as she grabs her dirty plate.

Lloyd rolls his eyes. "It wasn't an interrogation. Just a simple question. That's it." he clarifies.

She walks to her kitchen, placing down the plate on the kitchen sink before walking to her small fridge and opens it to find sweet snacks. "I don't know, Lloyd. It sure sounded like one." she mutters softly.

"Fine. Maybe it was, but I needed to know why you were distracted. You both can't be distracted. You're on a goddamn mission." He states.

Elle frowns, turning to him with a small mango yogurt pack in her hands. "We weren't on a mission earlier. It was just a walk. For fuck's sakes, have you never had a single fucking normal walk in your life, Hansen? Why's it gotta be a mission with you all the damn time?" she snaps while opening her yoghurt and taking out the small plastic spoon inside of it.

"Because it's what we're here for." Lloyd says as a matter-of-factly.

She rolls her eyes. "Please. Spare me the bullshit of you actually taking this mission seriously when you didn't even want to be here in the first place." Elle retorts, taking a spoonful of the yogurt and tasting it.

"But I'm here now, aren't I? That's all that matters." he tells her, in a serious but soft tone.

She's speechless as she stands behind the fridge with her eyes glued to his. She has nothing else to say or to talk back. He is right. He hasn't tried to flee away from this country or rent a chopper or book a plane ticket to Paris or anywhere — because under any different circumstance, he would've done all that in a blink of an eye. But he is trying to take this mission seriously. He needs to. He still can't figure out why but he does. He needs this mission to work and to keep her safe.

She slowly nods. "Yeah, you're right." she softly mumbles, walking to her chair.

Lloyd's lips curve into a small, satisfied smirk. "Sorry, what was that? Couldn't hear you, sweetheart." he teases her as Six tries to hold in a soft laugh.

She huffs frustratedly. "You heard me, Lloyd. I know you did. Anyhow, want a mango yoghurt?" she offers him, lifting her yoghurt.

He shakes his head. "No thanks, I prefer a sweeter dessert." he teases her again, his smirk growing wider.

She rolls her eyes, shaking her head as her lips try to hide a smile. "Whatever. More to myself, I guess. After this, I'm going to get ready for bed. So, see you there." she tells both of them.

"We're going back to the penthouse first thing in the morning." Lloyd sternly tells them.

Elle nods. Six nods, too.

She sits back on her chair, turning to him with a tired smile on her lips while she shoves a spoonful of yoghurt into her mouth, carefully. Six stares down at her lips and there's nothing more he wants right now than to kiss those soft lips of hers, not giving a shit that Lloyd is right here with them. But of course, he can't. He's controlled. He has too much self control sometimes. More than he wants.

Kiss me.

His eyes are telling her something as she responds back with her eyes lighting up at his and her smile widening. She got his message. They're communicating with their eyes again. They don't know how exactly they're doing it but it's definitely not because of a spell she casted or one of her abilities. It's just their connection. It's weird, though. They've only known each other for two days and it already feels like their souls are attached together. But it's not that complicated. Their bond is simple. They both went through the same thing and want the same thing.

Comfort. And a little love, too.

They both could offer each other that.

Elle clears her throat. "I'm going to bed." she declares.

And do something before that.

***

The cold water from the shower hits her bare skin and she closes her eyes to let herself enjoy the nice sensation as she moves her face closer to the water while the world suddenly froze and went silent.

At least for her.

She can't hear anything now. Just the sound of water drowning her face, making everything around her sound muffled.

Six is outside, strolling around the area of her house to check for any unwanted intruders with one of the agents before letting himself sleep and relax.

Lloyd is outside too, but he's alone. He's getting some drinks before the local store closes. The store doesn't really sell a lot of choices for alcohol, especially for the specific expensive brands he wants. But at least he has something to get him through the night. He bought a bottle of whiskey and a few bottles of beers that he knows she likes. He's almost home now.

Elle retreats from the shower to grab her shampoo and body wash from the soap rack attached to the wall. Her bathroom is dark. She likes it that way when she's at home. Her room is already way too bright so it's enough light since she lets the bathroom door open wide.

She's not even aware that any of the guys could walk in right now and see her naked bare ass as her back is turned, even get a clear view of it too despite the darkness here. It's not that she's completely oblivious of their presence, it's that she just wants to forget about everything now by relaxing herself with a cold shower. She's still thinking about how easy she just killed four men today. And she doesn't even feel an ounce of guilt in her. Which is good. She was getting tired of guilt.

But now it makes her question herself. If she doesn't feel guilty of what she's done, then does she feel…satisfied with what she did? She knows that this wasn't exactly something that she would do for absolutely no reason. She did it for a completely reasonable reason. It had a purpose for what she did. It sent a message. It wasn't just revenge.

And it's not like anyone's judging her actions or punishing her for it. It's only her. She's the problem here. Her own problem.

As she pours the shampoo in her hand and scrubs it through her hair, she could hear the distinct sounds of her house door open and she could only guess if it's Six or Lloyd. She hopes it's Six so he could catch her like this. She'd been dying to touch him or at least kiss him properly but this could turn out better than that. Way better.

She gets closer to the shower again, letting the water wash the soap off of her hair and drowning her face against the water as she closes her eyes again, blocking out all the noises and trying to ignore the tingles in her stomach of waiting for Six to come in and see her naked like this.

The door opens and it's not Six.

It's Lloyd. Coming with the drinks. He didn't realize she was showering yet until he came in and closed the door casually.

He certainly did not expect the view he's seeing right now from the door. Perhaps, he should've knocked first. It is her room. Not his. Or theirs. Plus, he should've known better that she'd be showering. She did say that she was going to get ready for bed and obviously, she was going to shower. But it's not like he knew that she was going to shower right at this moment.

He's frozen in his tracks as his eyes slowly examine her back and bare ass while she showers. Her ass looks fucking amazing from this angle. It's perfect. Her jeans and cotton shorts aren't doing much justice showing the curves of her actual ass. Her back is completely clean. No scars or old wounds. She heals too quickly to keep them long enough. He could see the soap washing off from her hair. He doesn't even know why he's still staying here. He knows it's so fucking wrong to watch her like this. He shouldn't. But his entire body is betraying himself. It's refusing to move and walk away right now or pretend to not see her.

Fuck. Why does she torture me like this?

This is really testing him. The whole day, he's been restraining himself from his desire for her. The temptation of her. She's fucking irresistible. He wishes that she isn't but then that would make this entire mission boring and he'd probably flee this city right away if it was like that. Truth be told, he likes that he can't touch her or fuck her even though he so badly wants to. And he usually gets what he wants all the time.

But this time, he doesn't.

She hums a random song as she discards her face from the water and slightly smirks at the sound of a fast beating heartbeat in this room.

"Six? Is that you?" Elle asks.

Lloyd immediately turns away and walks to her desk, placing the drinks there.

"Nope. It's Lloyd. I got us drinks." he tries to keep his voice casual as if he didn't just see her bare naked ass just now.

She immediately frowns. She was expecting Six. Not fucking Lloyd. He's no fun for her. She's okay with him but she doesn't have the desire to kiss him or fuck him anymore. He was right when he told her that the fun's over after the night at the bar. He's too uptight for her.

And she doesn't think that he wants anything to do with her like that. She perceives Lloyd as a man who's disciplined in his job — even though his methods are rather messy and brutal but again, he still does his damn job no matter what. So, she thinks that fucking her would ruin his focus on the mission.

Six can compartmentalize well and differentiate between work and her and sex. That's why he's allowed himself to be with her now and she knows that.

"That's great. I'll be out in a minute!" she tells him before continuing to shower and to attempt to literally drown her frustration of not getting to have a little shower sex with Six tonight.

Lloyd clears his throat, opening a bottle of the whiskey he brought as he proceeds to gulp the drink as fast as he can while it burns his throat and drips on his stache.

He's going to need to drink this whole bottle if he's going to sleep in a bed next to someone he's got a hard-on for.

***

Sleep. Get through the night. That's all they have to do here.

Yet, none of them are even close to sleep now.

Elle is laying down between Lloyd and Six on her bed with them laying on their side.

They're all wide awake. Can't sleep at all.

The TV's on to help her sleep. The lights are switched off already. Even half of the agents are asleep in the guest bedroom and her dogs, too.

Everyone is asleep except for them.

Six is backed onto the wall, his hands tugging on her stomach as their legs are kind-of tangled together while they all share a thick blanket so Lloyd can't see that they're both too close.

"Go to sleep." she mumbles in the middle of their silence in this room.

Lloyd glares at her. "Are you talking to yourself? Because you're definitely not asleep either." he retorts.

"I do have a hard time sleeping. It's not because of this." Elle admits, not wanting to get into details of her pills.

Six leans closer to her ear. "Just try to sleep. Like last night." he whispers softly in her ears and she hums in response, laying on her side facing Lloyd because this is her comfortable sleep position.

Lloyd squints his eyes at both of them, skeptically. They're way too close and he could see that now. They're definitely fucking.

He gently scoffs. "You guys are fucking. I knew it." he accuses in a less harsh tone he usually uses.

Her head turns to him immediately with a scowl on her face. "Fuck off, Lloyd."

"I wish I could. But I'm stuck here, Elle." He says her name in a harsh way as she rolls her eyes at him.

Six says nothing. They've kind-of discussed this already and even though he was real subtle and vague about it, he should've connected the dots already. Lloyd asked him if he was willing to share earlier. He knows. He's just trying to make her confess it herself. But before he's going to force a confession out of her, Six needs to stop that.

He tiredly sighs, lazily moving his hand up from her stomach to her chest as he tugs her closer to him until their bodies are pressed against each other and she gasps softly at his sudden action. Lloyd can clearly see his hand outside of the blanket and he's doing this on purpose. She caught him staring at them as she quickly looked away from his eyes pining hers.

"You got a problem with it?" Six asks, glaring at him, curiously.

He breaks into a short chuckle. "No, as long as you don't fuck during missions." Lloyd retorts.

She laughs softly. "Well I can't promise you that especially when I have a spell that could literally cloak us, make us invisible. But I'm joking. Obviously." Elle jokes with an easy smile on her lips for both of them.

Six chuckles quietly, burying his face against her hair. She smells of her fresh shampoo and her body wash as her hair is still a little wet from her shower. She smells like lavender and something fruity. She smells sweet, just like how he likes it. He's addicted to her smell, ever since that night in the bar.

"Wouldn't mind if you weren't." he murmurs into her ears as quietly as possible and thanks to the sound of the TV, Lloyd can't hear it at all.

That's a sweet lie. He would never fuck up missions like that. It's not very him. Missions are extremely important to him — even if it's the easiest one. Though, that's something Lloyd would probably do if the mission is too easy and too boring for him. He did it once or twice without anyone knowing, somewhere in Finland, a few months ago.

Lloyd huffs softly. "Can we all agree that we should sleep, like now?"

Elle nods at him. "Yes. Absolutely. We have training tomorrow, right?" she asks.

"Yeah. I'll be training you. Six can watch." he replies in a not-so uptight tone as if he's almost...teasing.

She giggles quietly. Six chuckles through his nose. It's a silly moment. But a pleasant one. Because after this, after they start working on missions, it won't be so nice and peaceful and loose and chill anymore. It'll be serious and tense. Maybe it'll even change things between them. Elle won't change, though. She's not used to changes. She likes to be consistent and stay on the same track no matter what and she's determined on it, too.

Six is used to change. Lloyd, too. Their life is always changing, moving from another country to another. But they both don't want any of this to change. It's nice, it's normal. And it's probably the only nice and normal thing that they have in their life right now. It's closest to it, at least.

Her. Elle. She's their normal.

"I'm sleeping." she declares before she moves her body closer to Six even though they're already stuck like glue together as she finally closes her eyes, her head relaxing into her pillow and she lets out a soft sigh and he looks down at her with a small and relaxed smile on his lips.

Lloyd's tired eyes stare at her for a while to appreciate this despite all of his grumbles and complaints earlier, he gets to see her for the last time of the day and tomorrow morning, she'll be the first for him to see. He's never slept with anyone — actually sleeping with them, tangled in a bed with them and waking up next to them. He's never done that. He doesn't like that.

But he makes an exception for this. Not like he had a choice. He wasn't going to sleep on the floor or the chair.

Six likes her because he gets to enjoy the little and normal things in life with her. Like sleeping next to someone for nights just for comfort and not because they've just fucked and it's a one-night stand — he's always had one-night stands, it was easier for him because of his life, no, his work. His own life revolves around his work so he can't really call it his life — he doesn't have one.

Lloyd and Six catch each other staring at her at the same time. They say nothing because they do not want to wake her and disrupt her precious sleep. They care about her too much to do that.

"You two, sleep. I can still hear your heartbeats that are very much awake." she tells them with her eyes still closed and both of them glare down at her in sync.

"Your super senses are starting to get annoying." Lloyd barely says as he is already tired but he's forcing his eyes to open and she could tell.

"Go to sleep, Lloyd." she says and he grunts in response.

Six plants a soft kiss on her hair before shutting his eyes and letting sleep take over him. Lloyd takes after him, closing his eyes and allowing his whole body to relax and finally sleep, right next to her.

They're finally asleep. At ease. Calm. Tranquil. Quiet.

[athenaholmesartistsguild]

All my Tarot Card designs

Pulled the 9 of Swords in a tarot reading recently and it inspired me to make my own card!

Check out the High-res version on my Patreon (for free!!!) Also it was available 2 days earlier than on Tumblr just letting you know kthxbyeeeeee

BTW. Hand lettering is harddddd. Just writing 'Blades' took for freaking ever! But I really like how it came out so worth in my opinion.

I tried something a little different with the shading, too! I incorporated some sharper, pen-and-ink type strokes because I like drawing squiggles to indicate tension. This wasn't initially intentional, but I think it also fits with the 'sharper' themes of the swords suit.

I did intentionally try to use cooler grays and whites for the shading. I wanted each suit to be distinct from the other visually so you could differentiate between them at a glance. The swords to me feel very cold and impersonal so I tried to make that come across in the actual art. I think I did a good job but lemme know lol.

Interpretations and my reasoning for choosing Kiryu for this card are below the cut so check those out if you're interested (I'd really appreciate it!!!)

The suffering depicted in the 9 of swords is rivaled only by that of the 3 of swords. The figure in this card is so consumed by their trauma, anxiety, fears, or worries (or even all 4) that it's nearly impossible to perceive the world outside of themselves; not in a selfish way, but rather due to the intensity of their pain.

The 9 of Swords is haunted by nightmares-- frequent reminders of their past: their mistakes, the ways they've been hurt, and the actions they could've taken to prevent all of this from happening in the first place. They've been so plagued by their thoughts that considering a future without this pain feels almost impossible.

With this card, we see the sheer power of the human mind at its most destructive. If this cycle is not broken, the 9 of Swords' pain will escalate to the 10 of Swords. This is not a sustainable cycle for anyone involved; changes must be made.

Reversed, we still see the pain depicted in the upright position, but there's a glimpse of a way out. While it's not easy to overcome your trauma or pain, the 9 of Swords at least has a desire to get out of this cycle-- to begin to heal. They've descended into their mind as far as they'd like and now they wish to venture outside themselves, back into the wider world.

Maybe they haven't healed yet, but they can at least hope that they can begin the process.

The design of this card was inspired mostly by the opening of Yakuza 2. Kiryu's plagued by the deaths of his family and is borderline suicidal because of this pain. He's having nightmares of their final moments and isn't able to be fully present in his daughter's life (Haruka's the one getting ready and cooking breakfast for the two of them).

When deciding on the background of this card, I wanted to try and depict the feeling of complete hopelessness that exists within this card. Normally, the Rider-Waite-Smith cards have backgrounds of varying complexity. I'd venture to say that the 9 of Swords is the only card where there isn't a background at all. Just the figure, their bed, and the swords, the constant reminder of their past. This person is literally incapable of seeing past their regrets and anxiety and fear because these emotions are so intense. It's haunting, in a way.

I chose to have the swords in this card pointed at Kiryu because a common theme in his grief, I feel, is that he feels that he's the one at fault. He believes that had he not gotten involved, his loved ones wouldn't be suffering right now. So the swords, rather than being passive elements lingering above, are sharpened, dangerous. They're ready to get retribution for the people that have been hurt. Unlike Kiryu, they'll inflict pain and feel no remorse.

On a lighter note, we see periods in Kiryu's life where he's able to somewhat escape his thoughts and attempt to make a happier life for himself, namely when he's running Morning Glory. This is the one time in Kiryu's life where we see him happy and fulfilled. He's still experiencing the effects of his past. He still has the habits he developed in response to this past, but he's trying to create a better life. One that he can share with his family.

What's important to remember about the 9 of Swords is that your thoughts don't have to be real. They don't have to dictate the course of your life. While it can feel like there's no escaping your pain, know that help is out there and there are others that are willing to help you.

[honey-tongued-devil]

it’s me again ! first off, wonderful chapter as always—you know well that I love your writing, and it’s no wonder that so many people are as passionate about this series as you are because … hello … your writing is so fucking good?!!? I READ ONE WORD AND IM LIKE “ohhh purrrr okay” like your word is fact and IT IS FACT. but I really liked how the chapter just focused on the 🧡 domestic 🧡 of it all, and it was just the sweetest chapter. I loved it so much. I especially LOVED the rain content I got in this chapter, that’s my man my man my man and the whole time i was likee shitttt 🫦🫦🫦🫦🫦 when we got a lil spicy. You write spice scenes beautifully by the way, the way you incorporate the intimacy of it, the chase of pleasure, the love the characters feel for eachother is something i eat UP. and i am going to be so for real when i say the way he (presumably) spoke to the reader, the way he was like “you are beautiful.” and it was so like. raw. and vulnerable and it was so *true* i deadass wanted to cry

like I DONT KNOW. I feel so much love for rain as a character, the GHOULS, in general and this story just strengthens my love even more—it personifies it actually; the only difference is that if the ghouls ever took me into the pack i wouldn’t question it at all and infact i’d fully believe i was in paradise already actually i would be like “oh you wanna ?? you wanna have a lil sleepover where everybody gets naked and sleeps next to eachother and just loves? shit im down lets go!” i just. i feel so much love for them. they give me so much comfort, and your story gives me so much comfort—i love binging this series because it never fails to make me happier:) that one part where rain was just kissing the reader and they were just being all lovey dovey put me in my feelings because oh my goshhh i wish i wish i wish !!!! I love phantom and rain they’re my lovies. I hope we get more scenes of all three of them (reader, phantom and rain) where they’re all just cuddling and being happy and giggling and kicking their feet cause that woild heal me. ALSO CIRRUS. CIRRUS I LOVE CIRRUS SO MUCH her little feature in the story gave me happiness :( and AETHER AND MARGARET awwww i love them theyre so adorbs!!! I specifically like the line “[…] making her feel again the young woman who ran among the ghouls every chance she got that she was.” i have no particular reason why, its just so heartwarming. I love how you portray each and every character. Also, Phantom picking Dew up and Dew just cursing him out? …me and who I MEAN I MEAN— i literally live for that dynamic though like okay i see you, i see you! I think it’s adorable and that they’re both adorable and that everything in this chapter is adorable and i am so so happy and fulfilled everytime you post another chapter

the latest chapter was like dipping a mango in the sweetest sugar one can find and eating it. basically, i was in heaven. however…

no mention of ifrit 👁️ it worries me to an extent. cuz wdym copias showering ALL of the ghouls. wdym you can hear ALL of their shouts of disobedience. that is NAWT. all of the GHOULS. Where is IFRIT. is he okay. i am worried . i hope hes alright. i hope the shack is homely. i hope hes okay. :( im a big softie.

overall, this chapter REVIVED me. it gave me the motivation I needed to lock in and start reviewing for my upcomign exams. (next week bleh) it gave me LIFE. even. it gave me a good SKINCARE ROUTINE. It gave me ALL OF THE MONEY FROM ITS WALLET. it gave me NEW CLOTHES! I really loved it, truly. You are blessed with such wonderful writing ability—and i hope to see more:D the next chapter will be like a reward to me; much needed after i slave away studying for my several exams🕵️‍♂️ for future reference, i was wondering if we could ask you more questions about the story and some scenarios about it? like for example, “how would the ghouls react to the reader who, upon realizing they were being integrated into the pack, was very happy and actively integrated themselves into the packs routine” or something like that? i like to pry and prod at characters, test their limits and all—also, I hope you know that in actuality, the fact that you’re writing stories so good that I cannot help but send you reviews of the chapter, is the best part for me, myself. I am an avid fan of huits and I literally kick my feet whenever you update. you are such a sweetheart. you deserve everything good that comes to u.

looking forward to another update!! in the meantime, i’ll be binging the story<3 thank you for blessing us with your writing once more!

- @n4zareth 🧡

Hello my dear,

I'll start by saying that you can ask all the questions you want, request headcanons, scenarios, and anything else you'd like. No problem at all, especially since I've just finished the fourth page of chapter 17 (18 for AO3), so I'm really nearing the end, then I'll start working on what's coming next.

Both headcanons and scenarios, whether connected to HUITS or not, are welcome. You (all) can spam more than one request, even better, so I have more choices on what to do first and what to do later :P

That said! It's pretty obvious by now, but I'm really a sucker for the domestic. I'm a country girl, and the sexiest thing someone can wear is flour. Additionally, I quite like relating the fact that before Copia, the ghouls were in close contact with the sisters (besides being social), so they're not at all stressed by the change.

Regarding the spicy scenes, thank you for noticing HAHA. Actually, there's a fundamental issue (which is that I'm a lesbian), so I don't find the idea of a very explicit scene particularly moody or exciting. On the contrary, the overall vibe seems almost tastier than the act itself. I mean, the action is the same, but if the person changes (or the ghoul in this case), all the attitudes around it change. Phantom is awkward, shy, 100% a “missionary because he can both hold your hand and look you in the eyes” type. Rain is more desperate, more needy; he doesn't care about physical contact but wants the visual because he wants to be seen as the "cause" of your pleasure. Dew, on the other hand, would probably keep your head in the pillow because he hates eye contact and doesn't want vulnerability during intimate moments. It's all more frenetic, more intense.

The dish is the same; the presentation, the seasoning, and the sides change.

Regarding the bit where Rain looks lovingly at the reader, I swear I wanted to hit him with a metal bar (affectionately, of course) because he's truly in love. It's not just physical need; it's a need he feels almost in his veins to be yours.

You're so right about the reactions. My two beta readers laughed so hard at the part where the reader hesitates to undress because it's these little things that make it clear I'm not projecting myself but structuring a character (I live undressed; I probably would have been naked before everyone else, to be honest).

Based on this review, I feel like telling you that you'll like the next chapter. One of the requested things is in there. Not Ifrit, but to understand why Ifrit was saved but doesn't appear, I think you'll have to get to the last chapter. The first chapters were introductory, but the plot started from the first trip to the ministry. For now, I don't think anyone understands what's happening. Even though the story is from your point of view, some things will only make sense in the final two chapters (including that poor beast).

But I promise you he's okay! I haven't listened to the song yet, though, because I haven't written for a month or two, so I waited to get back into the vibe before listening to it.

Good luck with your exams, darling!

[lampmanliveblogs]

Thanks to Them Liveblog

Hello everyone, and welcome to The Owl House, season three, episode one: Thanks to Them!

I’m a bit late to the party, as per usual, but now I’m ready. I mean, I’m probably not ready, not mentally, emotionally, or physically. But I shall do as good as I can.

Originally, I was going to make a post talking about some of my theories and predictions going into season three. I have some ideas for how it might be structured and some things that might happen.  And then I didn’t. I just want to get into the episode right now. So I’ll bring up my predictions when they become relevant.

With that out of the way… let’s get into it!

”Luz, I’m so happy I had you as a big sister.”

We begin at the end. The end of the last episode, that is, with King’s parting words right before he threw Luz through the portal into the Human Realm, the moment before the portal collapsed.

…you know, I had some hope the first screenshot I took of the first episode of the final season would be a little happier, but oh well. I suppose it’s only appropriate, beginning with something familiar to ease me in, right before they hit me with the next big thing.

This scene plays slightly differently from the original; in King’s Tide, Luz closes and opens the door a few times before she turns around. That’s pretty minor, but I’m keeping an eye out for any differences. As we saw a few times during season two, Luz has a bad habit of remembering things slightly different from how they actually played out, usually making herself seem worse in the process.

I don’t have much of substance to say here, I just wanted to include this image.

Camila must be having so many conflicting emotions right now. The relief and happiness that her daughter is finally back home again, the shock and horror at the state she and her friends are in. 

Snake daughter spotted, I repeat, we have confirmed snake daughter spotted!

And Amity’s wasting no time trying to butter up the future mother-in-law, I see. Or maybe, having just disowned her own mother, she’s looking for the next best source for motherly affection.

Gus is helping out because he’s just a nice lad like that.

(there were two tin foil swans next to the basin in the previous shot. more of Luz’ old creations Camila found perhaps?)

((future Lampman here: I was rewatching this scene and I just now realized that Amity put the teabag in the wrong way. That’s funny, although not as funny as the fact that I managed to miss that. You’d think I’d spot it, considering it’s literally right in the middle of the screen))

(((i could have sworn they had tea in the demon realm… i remember Odalia drinking tea in Escaping Expulsion. maybe they don’t have teabags and i’m just misremembering, that’s possible too. i don’t feel like checking, soooo…)))

An owl, a witch in red, and a skull with horns. It’s been like five minutes, do we really need to remind Luz of what she has lost already? Couldn’t we wait until tomorrow before reminding her that her second family is gone forever?

(i mean, we're obviously going to return to the demon realm sooner or later, but Luz doesn’t know that)

Hm… we have these figures representing Luz’ Demon Realm family on this packet of band-aids, which are usually symbols representing healing. There might be some deliberate symbolism behind that. Maybe a bit of a stretch, but… Luz is obviously ”wounded” right now, hurt after being separated from Eda & Co and the only thing that can heal that wound is somehow finding her way back to them.

On the other hand… let’s flip that around. Let’s say that Luz was ”wounded” at the beginning of the series, being somewhat of an outcast with no friends, someone who was misunderstood and considered a weirdo. When she came to the Demon Realm and met Eda, King, Hooty and all her other new friends, that wound began to heal as she was no longer a weirdo outcasts. Thus, Eda & Co. are the band-aid to that wound in Luz.

That’s nice and all, but let’s push it a step further. I’m already overanalyzing this minor, insignificant detail beyond reason, so why not go all the way?

While band-aids are symbols of healing, they can also be symbols of a more shallow type of healing. The phrase ”put a band-aid on…” can mean that a solution to a problem is ineffectual, shallow, or that it does not adequately address and fix the problem. 

So while her Demon Realm family might’ve covered up that ”wound” of Luz’, it’s not enough for it to actually heal it. Moving away a bit from the medical metaphor, I’d guess the healing process for Luz would involve a combination* of returning to her Demon Realm family, reconciling her issues with Camila, and maybe a bit of self-acceptance.

(*which is why there’s a first help case right next to the band-aids: to show that in order to heal, Luz will need more than one quick fix. See, it all makes sense!)

Kicking Philip’s ass might also help. That’ll probably easier said than done considering he doesn’t really have any hindquarters anymore, since The Collector turned him into a jar of moldy mustard.

(oh, and I just realized it says ”lighthearted design.” Harkening back to those more lighthearted days of fun adventures before all the sad stuff happened?)

((then we have the eyes in ”spooky” which obviously symbolizes how Belos/Philip, who is really spooky, was always watching them and how he was always above and ahead of them. man, i’m good at this whole ”analysis” thing))

I know I should be paying attention to the conversation between Luz & Hunter (which conveniently reminds us that Hunter is Not A Real Boy™) but I keep getting distracted by stupid things.

This bathroom, I swear. The scented candle and those lamps. The fact that the toothbrushes are inside the cabinet, but the toothpaste is lying on the basin. The single towel. The picture with the cat and the potted plant.

I was ready to move past all of that and get on with the episode, you know, maybe actually make some progress after having spent the better part of two hours writing this single post already… but then I got distracted by the fact that the pattern on the wallpaper disappeared between shots.

I will never get through this episode.

[cowboyjen68]

Hi Cowboy Jen, i adore your blog and appreciate your thoughtful answers.

Im a young adult lesbian and recently went through a break up. It was my first love, we were together for a long time and lived together. Although I know it was for the best, and im so much happier and healthier in lots of ways, there is a lot of very bad and weird feelings and i cant stop thinking of her. I cant stop thinking of the potential relationship of what could have been, and what we both deserved from each other. And thinking about how i could now give it to her if 1.) she understood and wasnt so angry and mad and 2.) she tried to heal and change her unhealthy behaviors. I know these r not likely.

I guess what I am looking for is reassurance that this will pass. My life is wonderful but the loss is so profound. i cant imagine going through life with just more losses like this piling up.

I would love some validation that it is okay that i am still thinking of her, its only been a few months but i want time to grieve, while society tells me to move on. I feel guilty and weak for still caring, but at the same time it only feels right to grieve such a significant relationship that took up a big part of your heart and soul.

Again i reaallly appreciate that you give such care on here, like many young lesbians i dont have older women in my life to tell me that they have been through what i have and offer recognition and advice. I hope you have a wonderful week

Something my older lesbians friends have been fabulous about is showing me that things pass, love, hard times, friendships and pain. When something is fresh and feels over whelming, especially when it is the first time or you were completely unprepared to deal with it feels like a weight so heavy you want to crumble under it and you don't see a way out.

I offer you comfort as an older lesbian, that it all passes and life will get better. There is no time limit and it is okay to grieve but it is really important that you take control of that time. Don't let it become such a place of comfort that you let the sadness set the plan for your future.

I can tell you from experience that loss of love, even when you know with every fiber it was time for it to be over, is scary, hard, and makes you rethink every word, action and even your self worth. The “what ifs” can take over in your head and your heart. 

It is very important to give yourself and her space and time. Don’t force “let’s be freinds” or even seek further closure or answers. There might not be any answers and there might never be. Closure is something you give yourself. You know in your logical brain it was right and the breakup is a firm end. You can move on and do for you without question. 

My first girlfriend and I were together 7 years. I loved her and she loved me but we were not each others end all be all of love. We were a good fit for the time. Young, energetic in sex, activism and even in building a future. The future was just shorter than we could know. When she asked to break up because she had met someone else she wanted to explore time with I was grateful she did not betray me and was honest. After a wave of anger and fear I realized I was not as heart broken as I thought i would, or should be. 

We had spend the better part of our 20′s together and had a wonderful time but with the 30′s approaching we both had different goals and we had changed. At first we tried to be friends mostly because we shared dozens of mutual friends. Eventually we gave each other space, not making friends chose but bowing out here and there when the other was present at gatherings. Over the years we healed, and now, we work together and I love her and her friendship is amazing. And I know we are both thankful almost daily we didn’t stay together. Her wife is amazing and my life is wild and fulfilling. 

I have stayed in relationships too long, I have had a sort of odd love, FWB, fling, I have loved more deeply and strongly than I ever thought I could just since I hit 50. (I am 54). The ending of each relationship, good, bad, romantic or friendship is the first step into exploring something that could be better, stronger or just different. Life in love is a series of finding out what makes you happy and feel loved. Some people find it in the first, other take some trial and error. 

I promise, you will move on from this pain. Gain space and perspective with time as you move forward. It is okay to hurt and miss her and the good things. Just let that become a part of your learning not how you define your future relationship. 

Big Elder Lesbian hugs from me. You will be okay. 

[alyjojo]

December 😚 2023 Monthly - Libra

Whole of your energy: 2 Pentacles

I’m getting a typical Libra dilemma this month, going back and forth between two choices, one foot in one direction, and the other foot out the door. Probably regarding love. Either you’re in a deeply committed connection already, and it’s been on the rocks, or you’re involved/into someone that’s already involved, and you’re waiting to see if they make a move towards you, or ending the other situation. Some of you are feeling emotionally disconnected from your person, and you wonder if you’d be happier somewhere else, is it time to throw in the towel? Or this person has someone else and you wonder if they’ll leave that person, is it even worth it for you to pursue? They could be separated but there’s still a lot of baggage attached there, you may not want to deal with all of that. You want to set clear boundaries for engaging on any level, but you go back and forth on what those actually are, and a lot depends on what this other person does or doesn’t do.

What’s going on in December:

4 Pentacles:

You’re extremely cautious when it comes to love, romance, dating, you keep your cards close to your own chest and let the other person take control - more or less. For many that’s because there are other people in this situation, and that’s hard for you to find a balance with, you’re one foot involved & trying to be sweet, but not too sweet that you can’t escape if necessary. You don’t want to be bamboozled or hurt by any lingering feelings someone has with an ex, nor do you want to hurt anyone else’s feelings by getting too involved too fast. So you don’t. If this is your relationship or marriage even, you’re not acting, they can pursue you and make an attempt to heal the connection or it’s not going anywhere, and that could be a boundary you’re placing with yourself. If they make an effort, you’ll reciprocate, but that’s the only way to heal the connection, and so far you haven’t seen that effort from them.

9 Wands rev:

This card is the energy of having been through battle after battle after battle, you’re fkn exhausted, and whereas in the upright version, the guy builds a protective wall against any threats he can’t see…but is ready to continue on to an end, in rev he’s giving up. You can’t take anymore of this situation as it has been. Justice is a decision being made, your energy, and Death follows. If they’re not choosing you, romantic with you, making an effort, leaving some other situation, whatever it is, you’re drawing your line in the sand and they can get with the program. The Star at the bottom shows you healing, I don’t get you being down about anything, more like you have a vision for yourself and what you want your future to be, this person can come along or don’t & it’s their call. They haven’t done what you need them to do, date, be romantic, connect on a deeper level, so why bother? May as well be alone. If you’re the story where they have someone else, it could be them giving up on anything with you, and 4 Pentacles can describe you as feeling possessive, jealous, trying to hang onto this, surely they’ll change their mind.

The Hermit:

Your person shows up as King of Wands, and you’re stepping back from them, because they don’t do anything. No effort, no commitment, no future plans, no communication I can see. There’s nothing going on here. You need someone that takes the lead, that much is being made clear, you can’t have two passive people in a connection and you both seem to be more hands off, passing the buck to the other person. Which shows they could feel the same way about you. I can see you find them attractive, there’s a chemistry between you, but emotionally it’s 2 Cups rev, you’ve hoped & waited for this person to get a clue and act how you need them to act, and they’re just not. When you disconnect from this, you could really start looking inward at who you are and what kind of person has the qualities you feel like you’re missing, who/what balances you?

The things that are on your mind after disconnection from this person are very intense. Hermit and Hanged Man, very perceptive energy, asking all of the right questions. How did I get here? What am I doing wrong? What did they do wrong? Is it them or is it me, or both? How can I not go through this again? What do I want and does that also fit my needs? Why do I attract unavailable people? Searching spirituality, sorting through your memories with intuition and organizing trauma. Dark night of the soul energy 🌙

7 Cups:

Your biggest issue seems to be time, karma, “what does it all mean?”, was this person a karmic, did you throw away a soulmate, do you deserve this for some reason, and why? You have a lot of options, free will is on your side here, but you choose to be alone, rather than rush in and out of connections that aren’t what you need them to be. You could be very spiritual, and feel like you’ve tied up loose ends from this last situation, now you’re afraid to fk up and make more bad karma you don’t even need. You worry about time as much as you know you need it, your heart’s desires could feel like the clock is running out and you’re racing to beat an imaginary clock, where your mind is more happy to take the necessary time.

3 Pentacles:

You have a great support network of people, friends, family, whoever is around you, and those people inspire you to reach for the things you know & feel you deserve. Appreciation, teamwork, equal reciprocity. You don’t want to be an over giver and you won’t spend forever waiting on someone that doesn’t want you, or doesn’t make any effort to show you. 9 Pentacles describes your energy, you’re financially abundant, stable, happy with or without people. Pulling Penelope and Pickle shows grief, you’re not void of emotions, but you know what you’re worth. No effort, no romance, no passion, no connection. You’re challenging someone to step up their game or lose you, some are already out the door and musing over options for the future. Do you have options? Sure, plenty of them. Are you taking them up on it, probably not, but you’re entertaining the idea of it and that’s enough, for now. If you’re feeling down now, you won’t be for long, there are too many people to see & things to do for you to sit in a melancholy mood. That’s just another thing you go back and forth with, getting in your feelings and pulling yourself back out again. Being around people and then back in Hermit mode. I’ve been singing this Lizzo song the entire reading, and now it’s probably going to stay in my head the rest of the day. Catchy mfer, definitely matches your 9 Pentacles energy though 💯

This also doesn’t have to be romantic, it just is for the majority. You could be doing a clean sweep of all sorts of relationships in your life, especially if you have a history of people pleasing or over-giving, you’re done with that.

2222 is here with New Beginnings, weighing the pros and cons, what options are available to you, and if disconnecting from someone or something is/was the right thing to do - Justice. I think you’re feeling more positive about it than anything, but you probably have your moments of grief, when you’re alone, but also:

999, giving up and being alone, you’re perfectly fine with that, there’s nothing in you that’s overly attached to a person or outcome that you can’t function. It’s a beautiful energy. Is it selfish? No, because you’re willing to match energies, so if people aren’t getting anything from you it’s because they’re not giving you any effort in the first place.

Signs you may be dealing with:

Capricorn, Scorpio, Pisces, Virgo & Sagittarius

Oracles: ✨ You have two

35 Inner Journey 🧘‍♀️

Not all who wander are lost. At times we are so consumed with our own personal journey that we project our journey onto another. Every soul arrives on this planet with lessons to learn and a life to live. For as many souls that are out there, there are that many different journeys. Do not judge another’s journey - always respect where another person is on their path. Meet everyone you come in contact with where they are on their path. Do not insist they come to where you are. By doing this, you will not only expose those around you to your own healing vibration, but you will offer them acceptance without judgment. This is a great gift to both give and receive.

2 New Beginnings 🌅

Water, emotion, energy, all life affirming and life giving. Patience is the key. Once the deluge of emotion passes, you will see that left in its wake is a wondrous new day, a rainbow of possibilities. Do not get attached to the emotions that surround this situation. This will only attach your identification with the emotion itself - giving it more power and hindering the release, so that the door to your new beginning will not open. Sit in the emotion, cry, journal, talk it out with a friend, and then let it go. Be thankful for the experience of the situation and proclaim to Spirit that you are ready for the newness that is about to come into your life.

We enter into December as:

Penelope and Pickle 🥒:

“Grief...is honoring a love lost.”

Grief is a natural part of life. We must always remember to love those around us as fully as we can in the moments we have them. Grief is only love, with no place to go. This may be calling you to understand your own or someone else’s grief. Loss is personal, it comes out different in each individual. Love always comes with the risk of loss, but is important to remember that we valued a friend. Penelope & Pickle knew the value in their relationship, and it’s sad they lost each other, but the fact this love ever existed is what helps us find the strength to love again. All cycles must be completed to start over. If you choose to honor your pain, and allow all of the mourning to come, it will be life changing.

What is to be learned in December:

Salmon Chairs 🌷

“Come sit in my chair and feel my love”.

People, places and events are being drawn to you beyond your wildest imagination. Aim higher, for you will draw even greater experiences into your life. It is time to step up to the next level. All “things” are energy and will be drawn to you when you allow your energy to grow. The Salmon Chairs is being brought to you as a gift, to raise your faith and self esteem. It is a gentle and profound change in the way one relates to themselves, and the world. We create the life we feel we deserve. Often we feel we must do something to prepare, yet Salmon Chairs says “Stay in the light of truth, meditate, and relax - if you drink in the light and allow spiritual wealth, you will be surrounded by material wealth.” This is about subtle action, and receiving is an action. You are being told to sit still and receive the bounty that is coming to you. Salmon Chairs can also signify a love relationship in the wings, it’s your choice to receive it. It may also be a present relationship that’s moving to the next level, both spiritually and physically.

Salmon may be a lucky color 🩷

[gale-heart]

As I woke with my thoughts and my sinuses cleared, another memory came to me unbidden by magic—the voice strong, remarkable then for its uncharacteristically paternal tone, perhaps less wearied from age and affliction for my fuzzing recollection.

“Your soft heart will endanger you.”

He may have been half right there. The gods know life would feel a lot simpler at times if I’d proven capable of locking my heart up and putting it away out of sight as neatly as he’d done for his own. Would it really have been worth living like that, though? As I look back and assess everything I’ve done so far, I cannot find true regret for any of the choices I’ve made from wanting to be kind. Yes, doing so kept me entangled with Beurghes far longer than it should have, and yes, it ended in heartbreak with Mythandos. But…on the other hand, trying to be kind let me get to see Myth happier and doing better, even if it was only for a little while. It brought me closer to my friends, helped me to find a loving family in the Fence, helped so many people along the way who would have suffered more without—and I desperately hope that it helped to ease Saudormu’s pain even slightly, if he does not wake from how far his grief has consumed him. More selfishly, the soft-heartedness of others has saved me more times than I can remember anymore. I may have been lost to despair far longer without it, if I hadn’t been able to find hope on my own.

It makes me wonder about the experiences the old bird must have had that warped him so. I would much rather not know any more about it than I already do, and I dearly hope I never experience such things that would start me on that same path. The more I travel, the more I learn and see of death and tragedy and the different ways it affects people, I…think, perhaps, I begin to approach some small shade of understanding. Not forgiveness—I shall never find that for his actions—but a seed of comprehension for how he could have grown around his hurts and fears into what he ended as, if they’d been left to fester. Thankfully the world left to the rest of us seems (if cautiously) to be entering a time where being soft-hearted can accomplish more than cruelty. I should like to continue down that road for as long as I can.

The island seems to be sinking faster ever since Saudormu’s spell faded. People are scrambling now to save as much history and endemic wildlife as they can before it’s lost entirely to the waves. I’m of a mind to go and assist them a while before I seek the comfort of my bunk back on the ship. I haven’t asked anyone else what memories the temporal bubble showed them; it doesn’t feel like my place to pry, and frankly, I think I was too lost in my own migraines and the echoes of Mythandos to take note of anyone else’s suffering at the time. I do hope Saudormu can still be healed, physically and emotionally. The latter will undoubtedly take much time and work, but I’d like to think he’ll find the strength to start moving forward into his future. Maybe Glaros knows a thing or two that can help.

[theshoesofatiredman]

Earlier this year my dad was diagnosed with stage four terminal cancer.

Some days the helplessness feels so palpable, like I am buried beneath the earth desperately trying to dig my way out. The surface is impossible to reach and I just bring the earth down upon my head. But I am still clawing, still clawing. Because I want him to live. I want him to live. To live.

To live long enough to apologize, to become an empty nester, to meet grandchildren, to be there for the people he loves, to hold all that life has to offer. He probably won't make it through the next year. I wish I could still believe in an afterlife.

The grief, the rage, they come and go in waves. "My father will never figure out how to have a gay son." Furious clawing at the earth, hot tears streaming down my face. "My mother still needs him. I can't be there for her." Dirt in my lungs and under my fingernails. "He feels awful almost every day. Always sick, never getting better." Dragging huge handfuls of soil behind to try and reach the surface.

My family is still deeply religious, they adorn themselves with the brand of Christianity that almost killed me so it's hard to be around them in general but even harder now. Impossible to listen to their celebrating God's goodness in small mercies while he denies their prayers for healing. Agony to hear their desperate supplications to their cruel god. Oh the insufferable sermons on suffering and thankfulness and forgiveness. I want to take all doctrine that holds suffering as holy and set it ablaze.

I am also treated it seems like nothing has happened, like i haven't been deeply hurt, like I still believe as they do. The person I am seems invisible to them. I am trapped in the past and I do not get an apology, only more justifications for their behavior.

Many days, because I am so far from my family now geographically, it feels like it's not happening. I can forget. You go on because there's nothing else to do. I cannot cure the cancer and neither can the doctors. I check in and see how they're doing. My dad hasn't responded much to my calls and texts -- he has limited energy but sometimes I do feel bad about the fact that I'm seemingly never a priority for that energy. I've taken to just talking with my mom when I want to know how he's doing, how she's doing. I make sure to give her the opportunity to vent, because I worry people aren't asking how she's doing or when they do they don't push past her "husband health update" response.

Sometimes I feel guilty because, despite this, 2022 has still been a markedly good year for me. My mental health has improved significantly. I am happier and more stable than I've been over the past four years. I realized and accepted that I was an atheist a couple months before my dad's diagnosis and once that happened I started waiting for the thing Christians say would happen: "you may walk away from God now to pursue pleasure but once things get hard you'll be crawling back for help."

Like many Christian sayings, this is an in-group defense narrative that does not accurately testify to reality. I have not prayed nor have I felt any compulsion to pray. My mental image of the Christian god as a self-absorbed, vindictive, rageful, punitive entity has not changed. I can't really see how any of these things would change.

I am flying to be with my family soon, something that will be really hard for me but feels necessary. It'll be my third trip back since my dad got sick. When it comes to my family I think often now about Ezran's speech in the new season of Dragon Prince:

So what do we do? ... I think about a faith we can all share, a positive vision with a future filled with hope, a future where we can be safe with each other. But... it's not that easy or simple. Because people are still hurting and we can't ignore that or pretend it will go away. Somehow we have to hold it all in our hearts at the same time. We have to acknowledge the weight of the pain and loss but open up our eyes to allow ourselves to hope and maybe forgive and love again.... We have to hold pain and love in our hearts at the same time.

The pain and the love coexist. I have to hold both.

[lavendershadow]

11:11 what's your wish?

I'm about to dump some heavy emotions on you. And also Hi Alice! It's been quite a while.

I wish for more time some nights. Six years never felt like enough. I'll always love them, probably in a way others won't always understand. They really truly are my other half, whether that is a partner or a companion.

But I guess my biggest wish is to be content in the future. I don't know what it's going to offer. But I want to never regret what I was given. Because it was beautiful. To go and be happy with myself, by myself. loving, growing, being a whole. I get to experience all the things on my own I did not get to when I was only a little younger.

I want to support the love that I was once a part of. To see my best friend be happier than what I could offer. I don't want to sit back and dwell on all the things that possibly brought us to this point. The things I'll never be able to do with them again, I wish to have one more time. But I think it's best to stop that where it is. It would only hurt more with time if I were to keep hoping.

Sometimes, it haunts me to think about it too long. I'll start to sketch, and it always leads to them. I can still see them so vividly in my mind. Their scent, naked beautiful skin, every freckle and wrinkle, all the emotional vulnerability I was given. I am grateful for every moment. I am content with how much of these beautiful memories I can hold onto, the strength of me thinking love was endless. I used to believe till death, do we part.

Some days now, it's just hard to believe love exists. It's a lot harder to trust in others without hidden interests. Even their likes and dislikes have taken a grasp on me as I ingest some of those things instead of the things I enjoy. Just to remind myself of a reminiscent piece of them. The nostalgia I crave.

I don't have much of a choice now, so I choose to be strong. I just want to be at some point when I see them. That my heart doesn't ache to watch them hold another. I know soon enough I will be okay. Everything takes time to heal.