#i can hear my dad bitching about my brother to my mom rn while she's trying to get ready for bed

[the-yearning-astronaut]

.

[perpetually-sad-but-its-fine]

10x07 of chicago pd

3 minutes in and i'm already crying on behalf of ms. upton

hailey upton take care of yourself challenge

‘when was the last time you slept?’

‘in a bed?’

HAILEY PLEASE

JUST TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF

this is like 10x05 all over again anD I CANT DEAL WITH WATCHING HAILEY SLOWLY DESTROY HERSELF

hailey’s desperate ‘this is it. right?’ is kiLLING ME

MS. GURL IS HANGING ON BY A THREAD

JAY COME BACK TO YOUR WIFE 

trudy’s deadpan of ‘my arts and crafts project’

somebody make a compilation of trudy platt being the mother of intelligence

please

i need it

the transition from fake work to real work was SMOOTH

bro i love episodes like this

like the ones that are a compilation of their work w/ the voiceover in the background

lowkey reminds me of 7x18

LMAOOOO 

voight: ‘RustAndStardust’?

kim: a ‘lolita’ reference :/

voight: *the face of ‘ah, okay, im too old for this bs’

burgess and upton!

buRGESS AND UPTON

BURGESS AND UPTON

their heart-to-heart is making me cry

we deserve more of upgess

its a need

why do i feel like this PPO is gonna screw things up?

torres trying his best to look calm and inconspicuous

hailey is holding onto her life in her hands

‘marty’ just jumped over the railing?!

brO??

bro sounded like a whiny child when he said ‘nOt aNYmOrE’

hailey looking like a disappointed mom makes me cackle

ew ew ew ew

yuck yuck yuck yuck

ruzek

good job

you sound like a creep

please stop

who’s this girl???

oh nooooo

shit’s about to hit the fan

noooooooooooo

i do not like this

at all

oh ew no

this is reminding me of 4x13 where jay has to go undercover in that centre for teenage girls and one of the girls gets touchy w/ him???

ugh

no

no thank you

this must’ve been to AWKWARD TO FILM

ew

i could never

torres running towards and then swerving back to helms looked so funny to me

OF COURSE HE DIES

OF COURSE

WE CAN NEVER HAVE SOMETHING GO RIGHT CAN WE

HAILEYYYY

MY BABYYYYYYY

‘i used to sober up my dad’

god chicago pd writers just LOVE making me cry

the girls taking turns talking to amber

i wanna see them have an episode to themselves where they’re kicking ass and taking names

its a need

ambER GIVE SOMETHING UP

oH GOD THE SCARS ON HER FEET

WAS SHE ABDUCTED WHEN SHE WAS A KID??

kim calling hailey ‘hail’ is all i need in life rn

ruzek and upton could have a brother-sister relationship but NOOOOO

we just get MORE unnecessary conflict

haILEY GO HOME AND SLEEP

TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF

she looks like she’s about to cry

don't do this to my heart 

she’s not gonna go home is she?

oH I FUCKIN CALLED IT

NO

sean if you don’t get your rat face off my screen, i will punch it

hailey if you don’t get your cute ass home rn, i will reach thru the screen and put you to bed myself

hearing hailey call jay her husband makes me happy and then i remember the context and i start crying

hoLD ON

THEYRE NOT EVEN CALLING????

CMON

MY HEART CANT TAKE THIS

sean i hate your face

go jump off a cliff

haiLEY

DONT DO THIS

CMON

THIS IS GONNA END REALLY BADLY

sean you lying rat

i WILL murder you

‘iM gLaD YoU cAMe’

bitch shut the fuck up

stop smiling at her like that

i will punch you

‘i'll se ya’

‘hOpE sO’

S H U T   U P

‘gotcha’

her smile is so BEAUTIFUL

upzek friendship supremacy

the fact that she admits the truth to a CRIMINAL

good lord

hailey

please

for the love of god

go to therapy

oH GOOD LORD

HERE WE GO

oh goodie

voight and a lawyer

this is gonna be fun

surprised that there’s not more yelling or argument

bro what

how does the inside of an abandoned building

LOOK LIKE THAT

it’s like a frickin mansion

ohhh nooo

the little girl’s room

oh goddd

of course they’re too late

nothing can ever go right, can it?

FUCKIN CHIEF O’NEAL

OF COURSE

THIS BITCHASS IS JUST GONNA STAND ASIDE WHILE HIS SON TRAFFICS HUMANS

OF COURSE

SUCH GOOD PARENTING

bro if you don’t shut UP

‘he’s my kid’

HES A SEX TRAFFICKER

HES HURTING SO MANY PEOPLE YOU ASS

‘you don’t think i don’t know if my son doesn’t have a problem?’

YOUR SON HAS MORE THAN A PROBLEM

MY G O D

he’s not gonna believe hank is he?

yep

i was right

you don’t get your hands off of voight riGHT NOW

im going to K I L L him

i’ll do it

i will

[derekmorganscrocs]

Nancy Drew 2x10

Thoughts While Watching

Spoiler Alert!!

YO- THE- WHAT IS THAT-

Pls the Ryan puns, I can’t even lmaooo. Wholesome Nancy? PLEASE LMAOOOOO OK OK THIS GIRL IS MAKING ME LAUGH. oh no- the straw: SHE KNOWS. ms reporter is gonna DNA test nancy.

Is aces contact info for his bro “long lost brother”? GEORGE IS A RENTAL CAR? Pls. George has abs- I think I have a crush ngl. Bess knows- ODETTE IS CRUSHING ON BESS. Nick and Bess are about to be sister wives no cap.

Apparently he is Tamura, not Tamara... I’ve been calling him the second this whole time- was no one gonna tell me?! Oh enemies to lovers 250k words I see how it is. JOKING, JOKING. We don’t ship nancy and tamura.

“I thought I smelled bacon” OH PERIOD GIL. Sass king, I love. Oh Nancy getting all up in his space is something else. Good to see that Gil is rockin with ghosts, as he should.

“Typical waitress occurrence” okay, Tamura is kind of growing on me. He’s a little funny. “Whatever do you mean, another?” Ace stop trying to lie please. HOW OLD IS TAMURA- oh he’s like a history guy... I really just thought he was like an eternal being for a sec. “the supernatural detective and the basic one”

OMG BESS IS FALLING FOR ODETTE IN GEORGE’s BODY. and nick is seeing a contractor. (Awkward thumbs up). I STILL THINK GRANT IS A MURDERER. pls Nancy’s lil cheesey smile is so cute and funny.

Ryan coming off all smoldery, okay Riley smith. Own that swag.

Bess falling over made me laugh. Odette coming thru with the skating skill. Odess? Bessdette?? I love. Ace’s brother??? ALCOHOL- ODETTE. ACE HELP A GIRL OUT HERE!!!?

Tamura got left at the alter. NO WAY I WAS RIGHT LMAO sorry Tamura lol I know you got left at the alter or whatever but I like being right. PLS HES SO SARCASTIC ABOUT THE DRESS THEORY NO- AHAHA HES KILLING ME. (poor word choice but the point stands).

OH NO I SAW THIS NICK CLIP ON THE IG- IF THIS BITCH LIGHTS MY MAN ON FIRE I STG. NAH NAH NAH HES STUCK IN THERE. WITH A MURDERER.

OH M G. I SAW GAY SO I SAID GAY. THEYRE IN LOVE. ODETTE AND BESS IS SO CUTE. I love the French accent too.

OH NO NICK- DON’T GET LIT ON FIRE MAN, YEAH DUH THE DOOR IS WELDED SHUT- OH THEY BUSTED THAT DOWN LIKE NOTHING. Fire extinguisher fight.

SALT AND BURN, HOES. WHY WOULD YOU BREATHE IN THE SMOKE WTF

My girl nancy just fainted omg. I’m cackling at the prospect of what’s about to happen. BESS AND GEORGE GOT ARRESTED- GEORGES HAIR. what’s going on rn. “My face isn’t working yet” MOOD.

IM CACKLING OMFG TAMURA SLOW MO- pack it up property brother number three. “Were you just waking in slow motion” MY GIRL IS STRUGGLING. she’s trying so hard. GIL TOO- OKAY BUT GIL IS HOT- “so smoldery” YES MAAM HE IS. GOOD TASTE GIRL. She’s petting him? “No seriously get me away from them” the way she said that is sending me- she’s so freaked.

FANSON RIGHTS!! NANCY NOOOO. NO NANCY. STOP PETTING GEORGE’s BOYFRIEND PLEASE NANCY. THE HAIR- THE HAIR. I don’t blame her not gonna lie, I would also want to touch his hair. “I’ll kill Annette” MAAM JEALOUS MUCH OMFG. “Your palms are really sweaty” ACE STOP OMFG. Wow sis snapped there omg.

They locked her... in the freezer.

He FOUND the brother- ACE HARDY ACE HARDY ACE HARDY PLEASE. Ace half Hardy? Okay we’ve paused the show so I can do some math: so Ace’s dad was the Marshall for mom 1 and father to brother. And also father to ace but different mother. Okay we got it. Bess and Ace are such a cute friendship.

Aw FANSON YAY. “We’re gonna work on it okay? And we’re gonna get better at it.” PLEASE SOMEONE TALK TO ME LIKE THAT OMG. o nancy ruined the moment.

“She’s okay. Just a lil boy crazy” RYAN IS SO CONFUSED OMG.

Nancy having a breakdown in the freezer is a mood. Is she about to stab someone- NO SHES BREAKING OUT OF THE FREEZER. THEYRE ALL THERE OH NO. why’d she go over the railing like that I’m laughing so hard- SHE JUST BODY SLAMMED GEORGE OMFG IM SCREAMING LMAO

OH GOD THEY CAN HEAR GEORGE AND NANCY FIGHTING FROM THE FRONT- i love the absolute dragging that’s going on here, honestly vibes. it’s like they’re feeding a child.

The girls are fighting (Tamura and Gil) NICK JUST KICKED THEM OUT.

I thought she was gonna escape lmao. WHY DOES SHE RUN LIKE THAT OMG AHAHHAHA. oh no Tamura is... they’re gonna kiss Rn I’m gonna barf ew. STOP MOVING SO SLOW JUST GET IT OVER WITH SO I CAN LOOK AWAY PLS. oh nvm she’s good now. She just dipped and Tamura is like: what now

LOVE THIS GIRL TALK OMG. YES PLS NANCY. Did George just emoji? AW GIRL HUG. I love the friend moment here, pls the sleuth sisters are the CUTEST trio.

HIS BROTHER IS IN TOWN? PETTY BESS I LOVE HER.

aw poor Tamura... oh no omg I actually feel bad for him now :( aw besties!!! Teamwork moment here, I love. HE TOTALLY HAS A CRUSH ON NANCY AND IDK HOW TO FEEL 😭

WHAT OMG DID ACES DAD GET KIDNAPPED? That might just be an old photo I’m kinda dumb ngl

NANCY CHOSE GIL? ARE THEY ABOUT TO KISS RIGHT- yup they just kissed.

RYAN IS SMILING WHEN HES TEXTING HER OH NO. HES GONNA GET HIS HEART BROKEN 😭

DAMN IT VAL. NO NEED TO OUT NANCY AS THE GRANDCHILD, HOLY CRAP.

Okay, so the episode is over, but I KNEW one of them was gonna fall in love with a ghost. KNEW IT! But on the down low, Bess and Odette are cute.

Sister:

Literal GASP at Ryan’s photo shoot. Like sat up like she rose from the dead and gasped SO LOUD- Yeah we’re both Riley smith groupies, what about it.

(When they locked nancy in the freezer) “I gotta ask. Is the meat hook still in there?”

Here are some more (ignore the contact image please lmao the vibe in my phone is random pics of my friends/family):

So the only explanation you really need is she LOVES Riley Smith, and is definitely crushing on Ryan lmao. She literally GASPED so loud at model Ryan.

And she’s not a huge fan of Tamura x Nancy. Tbh idk how I feel yet.

[cvmercns]

hi  my  loves  !  i  just  got  out  of  work  so  i’m  sry  this  is  late  &  rushed  but  tbh  that’s  pretty  on  brand  for  me  so  (☞ ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)☞  .  anyways  i’m  nia  ,  she  /  her  pronouns  ,  and  this  is  luca  and  he’s  a  garbage  boi  so  here  we  go  !

luca cameron was spotted in the fashion district adorning vltn combat boots , with some airpod pros on . they’re most likely listening to daywalker! by machine gun kelly . you may know them as @lewcuh or as that dylan minnette lookalike . their twenty-third birthday just passed . while living in tribeca , they’ve gained a bit of a reputation . they’re known to be vagarious but on the other hand innovative . wonder if they’ll be the next person to hit the headlines . ( cismale / he / him )

NAME :  luca  anthony  cameron

AGE :  twenty - three

DATE  OF  BIRTH:  december 13th ,  1997

ZODIAC :   sagittarius  

PLACE  OF  BIRTH / HOMETOWN :  jersey  city  ,  new  jersey

GENDER :  cismale

PRONOUNS :  he  /  him

ORIENTATION :  pansexual 

PARENTS :  elliott  cameron  &  cassandra  scott

SIBLINGS :  xavier  cameron

CAREER :  musician  (  the  neighbourhood  career  claim  )

MUSE  PARALLELS  :  steve  -  o  (  slc  punk  ) ,  stu  (  scream  )  ,  patrick  verona  (  10  things  i  hate  about  you  )  ,  richie  tozier  (  it  )  ,  cliff  pantone  (  bring  it  on )  ,  jd  (  heathers  )

BACKSTORY

luca  was  born  in  jersey  city  on  a  cold  ass  ,  snowy  december  day 

his  parents  ,  at  the  time  ,  were  thrilled  to  add  another  member  to  their  small  family  after  trying  to  get  pregnant  for  years  after  giving  birth  to  their  first  son

from  what  luca  remembers  of  the  first  ten  years  of  his  life  ,  it  was  pretty  normal  ,  pretty  happy  aside  from  his  older  brother  doing  older  brother  things  to  make  his  life  hell

he  was  in  fifth  grade  was  when  he  started  to  notice  a  change  in  his  family  --  his  dad  seemed  to  work  a  lot  ,  slept  on  the  couch  often  ,  he  could  hear  arguing  coming  from  their  room  at  all  hours  of  the  day

his  brother  ,  about  fourteen  at  the  time  ,  would  distract  him  with  video  games  and  skateboarding  lessons  because  he  was  old  enough  to  know  what  was  going  on

the  next  year  was  when  his  parents  filed  for  divorce  ,  and  of  course  at  the  time  he  didn’t  know  it  was  because  his  dad  had  been  cheating  on  his  mom  but  he  did  get  remarried  awfully  quick  so  it  didn’t  take  a  genius  to  figure  it  out

his  mom  had  family  in  new  york  so  that’s  where  she  moved  them  ,  close  enough  that  they  could  spend  their  mandatory  weekends  with  their  dad  ,  although  once  his  new  wife  got  pregnant  those  visits  dwindled  down  to  nothing

and  when  he  was  fourteen  his  mom  got  remarried  too  ,  the  same  year  his  brother  left  for  college  ,  leaving  luca  to  deal  with  them  alone

so  high  school  was  rough  for  him  .  he  was  in  detention  a  lot  ,  one  of  those  kids  that  you  just  expected  to  get  in  trouble  on  any  day  ending  in  a  y

he’s  done  it  all  --  smoked  cigarettes  behind  the  bleachers  ,  spiked  the  punch  at  dances  ,  graffitied  any  available  surface  ,  argued  with  teachers  over  the  smallest  things

he’s  generally  not  a  dick  ,  so  the  therapists  his  stepdad  sent  him  to  said  he  did  it  for  attention  and  also  probably  because  he  has  add  (  he  just  sold  whatever  they  prescribed  him  so  joke’s  on  them  )

his  stepdad  wasn’t  terrible  ,  but  obviously  not  the  paternal  type  ,  always  acting  like  luca  was  some  cat  that  he  just  had  to  make  sure  to  leave  food  out  for

but  jeez  was  he  rich  ,  some  soulless  businessman  type  that  liked  to  make  money  but  liked  to  spend  it  even  more  ,  always  flying  his  mom  out  to  tropical  vacations  and  buying  luca  whatever  new  iphone  or  playstation  just  came  out  ,  probably  just  to  keep  him  from  bitching  too  much

his  mom  ,  though  he  loves  her  to  death  and  knows  she  was  just  trying  to  give  him  the  best  possible  life  ,  was  easily  won  over  by  the  money  ;  she  loved  the  nights  spent  at  expensive  restaurants  and  hotels  ,  loved  going  to  broadway  shows  and  spending  thousands  on  a  single  shopping  trip

so  she  wasn’t  around  much  either  ,  but  luca  kept  his  mouth  shut  because  he  figured  she  deserved  it  after  dealing  with  his  dad  for  all  those  years

and  luca  figured  he’d  make  the  best  out  of  the  situation  ,  asking  his  stepdad  for  music  lessons  and  drum  sets  and  guitars  because  he  had  always  been  interested  in  learning  to  play

he  met  his  best  friends  and  bandmates  through  school  --  at  first  they  were  just  fucking  around  and  jamming  in  one  of  their  garages  ,  and  when  the  idea  of  making  a  band  came  up  he  just  went  with  it  ,  never  having  been  all  that  interested  in  academics  anyways

one  of  them  had  a  family  member  in  the  music  business  which  is  how  their  first  ep  got  made  when  luca  was  eighteen  ,  and  unexpectedly  shot  them  into  the  spotlight  when  their  song  sweater  weather  blew  up  (  the  neighbourhood  is  his  career  claim  --  lead  vocals  anyways  --  and  as  of  rn  they’ve  put  out  the  albums  i  love  you  ,  wiped  out  ,  and  the  neighbourhood  )

PERSONALITY

luca  is  ...  for  sure  a  sagittarius  askdflj

he  loves  change  ,  loves  switching  things  up  constantly  because  he  gets  bored  faster  than  the  flash  can  run  a  mile

for  that  reason  ,  he’s  kind  of  a  terrible  boyfriend  .  not  that  he’d  cheat  or  anything  ,  but  it’s  hard  to  hold  his  attention  and  keep  him  in  one  place

he  does  try  because  he’s  a  very  loyal  person  ,  like  will  for  sure  go  to  jail  for  you  if  he  loves  you  ,  but  it  does  take  a  lot  of  dedication  to  become  someone  important  to  him

he’s  a  super  fun  person  to  be  around  ,  always  up  for  anything  ,  doesn’t  stay  in  a  bad  mood  for  too  long  (  partly  because  he  has  a  shit  memory  but  oh  well  )

but  he  does  have  his  mood  swings  here  and  there  ,  you  never  rly  know  what’s  gonna  set  him  off  ,  he  could  be  laughing  one  minute  and  then  throwing  things  at  a  wall  the  next

should  probably  go  to  therapy  again  but  he’d  sooner  eat  glass

might  have  a  partying  problem  but   ¯\_(ツ)_/¯  he  got  super  famous  at  eighteen  what  else  can  you  expect

probably  high  99%  of  the  time

he  likes  to  think  he’s  a  bad  boy  but  he’s  a  fucking  sweetheart  ,  11/10  cries  at  tiktoks  of  dogs

speaking  of  which  ,  he  has  an  alaskian  malamute  named  squidward

idk  what  else  to  add  here  ,  the  backstory  was  pretty  long  so  i’ll  give  y’all  a  break  <3

so  that’s  it  !  if  u  wanna  plot  (  which  i  would  luv  )  u  can  like  this  &  i’ll  come  message  u  ,  or  u  can  dm  me  here  or  on  discord  𝔡𝔯. 𝔪𝔞𝔫𝔱𝔦𝔰 𝔱𝔬𝔟𝔬𝔤𝔤𝔞𝔫#9874  .  can’t  wait  to  rp  with  all  u  cuties   ❤️

[halethestilinskis]

Life is not great rn

Just another text note about how my life has imploded over the past 2 weeks. Read if you would like!

Not sure if I put it in past notes, but I work at an optometrist office, with an optical shoppe attached to it, and we actually make cut and make the glasses in house at the Foxboro location, where I primarily am. I used to be a tech, where I would get all your readings before you went in to see the doctor, until we hired some more people and I ended up getting "promoted" to front desk, where I was for about 6 weeks. The new techs, that everyone loves and does a great job, I trained by the way. I got a raise about 3 months ago, I was told by every doctor that I was improving, and look more comfortable and confident in the office. Which I did. Then it all blew up in my face.

The girl training me was named Kelly, and she should never train anyone ever. The way she answers my questions, makes it sound like the dumbest question in the world, made me feel like an absolute fucking idiot every time I was at work. She would point out every LITTLE mistake I would make. For instance, they had a portion or their chart that asked if they had any other eye problems, like amblyopia (lazy eye) or if they had LASIK or something like that, and in a lot of the patients charts, it had "other" in there, when it should be "negative" because there's nothing in there. I get it, and most of the time I fixed it, but if I didn't she would point it out and get real pissy about it. Then I would go through the chart to make sure it was done before the doctor took it, and she made the same fucking mistake, but I couldn't say anything about it. ALSO, they would put their hobbies in there, and even if the hobbies were the same, but the wording was different, she would  yell at me to change it, which I thought was a waste of time.. Ya know… because it is, and again, she would make the same mistakes. She was the one reporting to my boss how I was doing, and no one else was, so every little thing I did, she would make it out to be the end of the world. For instance, I overcharged someone for their contact lens evaluation, the father, who always buys contacts through us, was a doctor and Kelly flipped out, telling me I was going to call him and tell him I messed up and see if wanted a refund, which in return cost our office money. When I could've put it as a credit, and when he came to buy contacts through us, we would take it off that order. She goes, "they're doctors" and I was like okay?? Tell me which doctor knows anything about insurance. Guess what, he wanted a refund, and it cost our office money (:

Anyway, anytime I went to work I was stressed out, walking into that building made my blood pressure rise, and any time she wasn't there, it was a great day. So on Wednesday, July 27th, I was told by the doctor that she was moving me to the Milford office, which I hate, but it's away from Kelly so I was all for it, and ready to show that I didn't need her to do my job well. Dr. M, told me she wanted to move me up there so I can take some pressure from the new girl and she can train a little bit more, and she was moving Sam down to Foxboro, because the new girl in Milford sucks and so does her attitude. I noticed I was opening, and told her I didn't have a key to the office, she happily gave me one and I was ready for the week to end. 

The next day, I was up front by myself training a new girl that is usually in pretest, but she needs to learn how to work the front as well. Everything was fine, it got a little weird and busy in the middle, but I worked through it, and everything was fine. Around 3, the contacts I had in were REALLY dry and basically about to come out of my eye just by blinking. I decided to take them out and get the glasses I kept in my car for this exact reason. These were my shitty glasses I got from Zenni when I didn't work there, so I didn't ruin my expensive lenses I got from them, again not while working there. They don't have a visible logo, and a patient never asked me about them. The only person to ask me about them, were the guys in the lab that cut the lenses for glasses, because they obviously weren't my normal pair. I told them they were shitty glasses from Zenni, and no patients were in the back while I said that. I wore them at the front for about 2 hours, again, only glasses I had on me, and Dr. D, never said anything to me about them, nor was I planning on wearing them there ever again. Friday, I had the day off, and rested and recharged for my Saturday shift on the 31st. I was excited for one, because Kelly wasn't on with me, the next day was Eric and I's 5th wedding anniversary and we had plans to stay in Boston and have a really expensive and delicious dinner, so I was ready to get the day over with and celebrate with my man. At the end of the day, I was looking through money, and remember that guy I overcharged earlier, well, the optician overcharged him again for his sons evaluation, and guess what, no one yelled at her. Anyway, she fucked up money and me and someone else were trying to figure it out, when Dr. D called me back. Now I messed up in the middle of the day, just a very small mess up and I was prepared for hi, to basically tell me to get my shit together and do better, and I would, especially if I wasn't going to be in this office anymore. Do you know how difficult and stressful it is to do your job effectively, with no mistakes, while someone is literally breathing down your neck? Anyway, he told me that they hired a lot of new people and because of that, my position became really competitive, and even though I was improving and I always take what the doctors say to heart and fix my problems, I was just not where they needed me to be, and that day was my last day.

I was COMPLETELY blindsided, like you literally gave me a key and said I was doing great 4 DAYS AGO, what changed from then to now. So, I was like, "okay" backed my shit, called Eric, crying, telling him what happened, asked the optician to move her car so I could leave and cried literally all day, not understanding why this happened.

So now I'm on unemployment, looking for another job trying to find one that makes good money or at least somewhere in the range of what I was making and trust me, it's extremely difficult.

Eric and I decided maybe we shouldn't stay in Boston because now were not going to make the 1K we planned on spending, back like we thought. My mom was nice enough to get us a hotel, and my family was having a party on that day, so we decided to stop by there and say hi, have some food, and then head to Boston and get some dinner. It was delicious and less than half of what we would have spent, although we plan on going there when I get another job. We went back to the hotel and I took a shower and as I was getting out I heard him on the phone with someone and it ended with "sir". I got out and asked him what was going on, and he said he just got a forced shift for in the morning 8-4. He's a cop, and he can't say no to those. We decided to pack it up and go home so he could get some sleep, I wasn't leaving Boston at 6 AM, but it really screwed our plans. I went to my moms the next day and gave her half the money back, because we couldn't use the room. He went to work, then it was my moms birthday. So I got her flowers and a cake and went over to give it to her. I had plans to go to Brockton to get Eric and I dinner at Sarku, since that was our original plan on the way back from Boston, and we had a nice dinner. I was sent a snapchat from my brothers girlfriend and they were singing happy birthday to my mom with a cake that no one ever told me about. So I got dressed and went to my moms, she lives, literally right around the corner.

On Tuesday, I had a normal day, definitely still dwelling about getting fired, but getting over it, regardless of the reason. Sam texts me during the day, and Dr. D, the one who fired me, is telling another employee that I was fired because I was promoting Zenni, which made me LIVID. I never once promoted them, and I actually always bash them because their glasses SUCK and the only reason I had them is because I wanted a blue light filter for gaming and I didn't want them on my everyday, or pay $300 of them at my office. We tell every patient they suck, and they should get nice glasses for everyday, especially people with a high RX, high cyl, or progressives. So now I'm thinking he got that impression from me wearing my Zenni glasses for 2 hours in the office, again with no visible logo, and I'm still livid, because if he did, he should've said something to me about it, instead of firing me. Now I'm mad and want to get to the bottom of this. I email Dr. M, to hear her side and she stuck with what was originally said, and said at the end that I was laid off, not fired, and I could collect unemployment. I made a Tiktok making fun of what she said with the Stewie voice over of "Oh hold on Louis just texted you, do you want meatballs or burgers for dinner… I'll text back for you, same thing bitch, just different shapes" with the caption of "When your boss says you weren't fired, you were laid off". Which by the way, I do know the difference, but either way, I no longer had a job. AND GUESS WHO FOUND IT, you guess it, my fucking former boss, and she emailed me about, super. She didn't take offense, she just explained the difference to me, but either way, still embarrassing. My dad also texted me about it, which I did not answer, because he didn't hasn’t apologized to me.

I filed for unemployment, and it has yet to be approved 2 weeks later. I told Eric not to worry about household chores because I don't have a job and I can handle it while he works. My mom has been BEGGING me to come down to the Cape with my family, I said won't because, A.) there's no where for me to sleep. B.) I don't have a job, therefore can't spent a ton of money, C.) my mom likes to push every button of mine when she's drunk and then wonder why I'm being a bitch, and D.) there's nothing up there that I haven't done already. My whole family went though, and now that my brother is up there, my house is like straight up haunted. I woke up to the sound of something hitting my bed twice at 4:23 AM, and it definitely was not in my dream, it didn't match up to my dream. Then yesterday, I was sitting in the living room and I heard the fire alarm in the basement go off, and as soon as I opened the basement door, it just stopped. Nothing was wrong down there in the first place, and I constantly hear creaks upstairs like someone is walking when they only have their 5 pound cat up there. It's been 2 weeks since I applied for unemployment and I still haven't gotten paid, so I called yesterday and they said that my employer had to finish paperwork, so I emailed her and let her know. She said there's nothing on her end to do, so I called again today. They said that there is an overdue form and she needs to call this number. Told her, and she called and they said there's nothing for her to fill out and my name isn't even popping up under her employer unemployment, so something went wrong down the line, that we're both not sure of.

And the cherry on top…. Eric made an arrest yesterday, and everything was fine and dandy until his LT called this morning, and he had to go into the station. He was told it was a "bad arrest", and I want to clarify, that he arrested a dude for assault and battery that violated a restraining order, BUT, it wasn't in our city, where he works to it was a bad arrest, ONLY because of that. So, now he had to write a letter to the chief and to the union lawyer, along with the other officer at the scene and the LT that approved his report, and we're a little unsure of what's going to happen next and we've both been stressed all day about it. He's doing better now and hanging out, but I can't destress ever.

So these last two weeks have been absolutely horrible and I want to just have ONE GOOD DAY in my time off from not having a job!!

[ghoestys]

i’m literally pulling this out of my ass so if there are errors and stuff doesnt make sense then please myob and pretend like u understand what im saying im trying to do this before i get caught not doing hw he comes at 6 n its 5:43 rn 

statistics

full name: suzy nora yoon nickname(s): su, suz (pronounced like snooze without the n)  age: twenty three date of birth: tba! hometown: tba! gender: cis female religion: athiest sexuality: bisexual hair colour: black/dark brown eye colour: brown height: 5'5″ tattoos: tba! piercings: tba!

prompt + blackmail

a member of the yale's elite, they're twenty-three and a senior undergrad student majoring in aviation engineering. they are as gregarious as they are aimless.

TW DRUGS!  1. to pay for yale's very expensive tuitition, suzy sells weed that's both fake and real, depending on who is buying and if she likes them. she's not a good seller, though, so this hasn't been the best form of income for her. 2. got accepted into the aviation engineering program, but suzy can't complete her homework without the help of drugs to keep her mind focused and creative enough to understand the problems

about 

family/upbringing/childhood/wtvr

so! literally pulling this out of my ass and making things up as i go! suzy was born in a family with her parents (mom & dad), her older sister, and her older brother. the family was strictly middle class and her parents and siblings were very hardworking. her siblings were good at what they did and they excelled in their academics because they tried hard and all that stuff!

growing up, suzy followed her siblings and her parents and was basically a gifted child from the very start. elementary and middle school was not hard for her and she was in all the advanced and gifted programs. the family was calm and there wasn’t anything drastic that removed the peace or caused any disruption at all. like. they were just chillin. 

i think suzy had an average relationship with her parents. they were still asian, so like... it’s as good as it was going to get. she was somewhat close to her siblings, but seeing as they were 5/8 years older than her, the age gap wasn’t that welcoming to the baby of the family. she was kinda just.. having fun on her own being smart n shit. 

anyways! high school! where all gifted kids literally come to die! due to her shit from elem & middle school, she was offered a full ride scholarship to some prestigious school and as asian parents, they were NOT going to reject that free ride to a school that would help ensure suzy’s success in the future. she went from being one of the smartest kids to being another burnt out gift child and high school was fucking ROUGH! 

bitch really had a fucking crisis and burned the fuck out. her not being the smartest bitch anymore literally killed everything in her and she just stopped being that. she met people and what do u know! got into the wrong crowd where drugs and alcohol was everyones bff! 

she got into that pretty heavily by sophomore year i would say. she was just. yea. 

i mean. she was burnt out  but her grades were still fine if u saw them. studying isnt hard for suzy and shes pretty smart, but she wasn’t at the very top of her class anymore and thats what killed her. instead of having straight a’s, suzy was getting b’s and a few c’s. in a family where anything other than an a was acceptable it really just killed suzy some more 

anyways! drugs and alcohol! made her feel good so she did it. she found that weed was the best thing as well as some tranquilizers/anything that relaxed her essentially. she just liked the feeling of floating n not caring or feeling any pressure like. she wanted to b in her own world n shit. 

college/the elites

after graduating high school, she didnt apply to college right away because honestly? drugs and alcohol and a bitch didnt care by her senior year. her grades were not the best and while she couldve gotten into college, she literally had no interest for college and her parents at this point baiscally disowned her so like? who the fuck is gonna pay for her college??

her work ethic is the worst bc shes so careless like. bitch had a shift from 1-7pm and showed up at 5 because she literally didnt feel bothered enough to show up.

anyways a year or so after graduating high school (idk the math rn) she got really high off something and just. did a whole ass application to yale bc she decided to apply for the shits n giggles. wrote a fake letter of recommendation, wrote killer essay and personal reflection shit or wtvr, and even submitted the application with an attached document of her outlining an entire airplane that wouldve been fully functional except for a few tweaks n shit that was needed

she some how got in from that (this is fake this would probs not b real <3 teehee) and bc she was now accepted and going to yale (she accepted high aha a theme for her), she had to think about how to fund for this shit so she decided to get into drug dealing!

which is honestly. not going good like a bitch again has poor work ethics so her as a drug dealer is so.... she literally got into it bc of euphoria bc it looked easy but doing it... is not easy at all but its her only form of funding so she’s doing it. kinda. loosely. please fire her. 

idk where to put this but. suzy is kinda like that girl from the queens gambit where she feels like she needs drugs to function so like she ditches class but she’ll do all her assignments nicely bc she thinks the drugs give her superpowers to b smart n at the top of her academic class again

when shes under the influence of anything she feels like she can function more or like her life is just... better when shes not sober and ull rarely really see her sober like shes usually just on something 

idk where the post is rn bc im too lazy to look for it bc i jsut got a text that he was coming now but!!! its the tweet where a guy was drunk n drew up an entire blue print of an airplane and that is literally fucking suzy i swear to god 

when shes high she’s like the smartest bitch around (shes smart without drugs but doesnt believe that) and can build airplanes n blueprints n solve maths n wtvrs

suzy is truly an asian stem bitch and the sciences and math is where she excels the most!!!! probs won awards n competitions for math and science but doesnt really acknowledge that much becase like... its just not something shes focused on

got into the elites by just making a blueprint of a plane from scratch infront of the twins like. legit just went infront of them, started making the blueprint from scratch to finish n gave it to  them saying here is a blueprint for a new private plane u guys can build for urselves 

personality 

personality wise she is very friendly n goofy n chill n chaotic 

literally a dumbass n honestly really annoying just ask orion 

shes just a stoner having fun doing her life n not really caring about anything like. how she made it to senior year who the fuck knows i really  dont honestly

i think the main way to describe her is bimbo like thats it 

not really into sharing her life and is more of a listener than a talker when it comes to conversations that are genuinely deep and personal. she will not talk to u about her problems and insecurities seriously (maybe she’ll do it in a self deprecating way) unless she trusts u w her life. otherwsie she will keep it to herself n prays that her stoner part will make people believe shes just chillin w no problems

when it comes to conversations about  nonsense n fake deep shit like what is air then suzy will not shut the fuck up like if u wanna talk to someone about nonsense then suzy is truly ur bitch like. a bitch can fucking talk 

doesnt mind being alone bc she has fun on her own but she prefers company more bc she likes having fun and having someone to accompany wtvr she does. whether its for smoking/drinking or hanging out but also just for like... going to class if she chooses to attend and doing everyday errands like groceries or wtvr. she doesnt really do groceries tho bc she just steals orions fodo but when she does choose to go she likes having people with her :) 

she doesnt have a passion for anything bc she doesnt dream of labor but the closest thing about b making airplanes or helicopters like. blueprints  come easy to her n she enjoys making them bc she feels like shes actually capable of something bc shes aware that making them isnt something everyone can do 

u can treat her like a dumbass n she wont call u on it even tho shes kinda smart bc she feels like shes a dumbass

most likely has bad self esteem and feels like a failure but uses drugs n alcohol to ignore that feeling :) 

probs the least judgemental person ull ever meet bc she really doesnt care about what u do like. she hears the secrets getting outted n she doesnt care there r high chances that she’ll still look at u the same way

[samanthaa-leanne]

*Whispers* Do them all! (If you're okay with it)

YES THANK YOU!!!!!

3 Fears: Spiders, snakes, and death.

3 things I love: Moon, pizza, animals.

2 turns on: Anime boys and more anime boys.

2 turns off: Non anime boys and uhh non anime boys.

My best friend: oof I have a lot. Theres my HS bff Krista, as well as @handsoffmyfriends @shinsou-lovin-hours-anon @yeet-these-hoez @taepoppin & @asadgwen

Sexual orientation: Bisexual.

How tall am I: 5′5 5′6 ish.

What do I miss right now: Getting 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep.

Favourite color: Blue.

Do I have a crush: On about a million anime boys.

Favourite place: Beach.

What am I listening to right now: I’m watching Criminal Minds 

Shoe size: Don’t make fun of me but 10.5/11. I have big feet.

Eye color: Blue.

Hair color: Brown with blonde highlights.

Meaning behind my URL: It’s my first name with an additional A and my middle name

Favourite song: At the moment? Brand New Vision by Point North

Favourite band: Way too many to count. 

How I feel right now: Happy

Someone I love: All of you

My current relationship status: Married

My relationship with my parents: Ehh okay..

Favourite season: Summer/Fall

Tattoos and piercing i have: My ears used to be pierced and I have a matching tattoo with my dad

Tattoos and piercing i want: I have an anime sleeve planned, a moon phase tattoo, and a few song lyric tattoos. 

The reasons I joined Tumblr: I honestly don’t remember

Do I ever get “good morning” or “good night ” texts?: No :(

Have I ever kissed the last person you texted?: Yes.

How long does it take me to get ready in the morning?: Like 20 minutes

Have you shaved your legs in the past three days?: Nope

Where am I right now?: My house

Do I like my music loud or at a reasonable level?” The louder the better

Do I live with my Mom and Dad?: Nope. I own my own house

Am I excited for anything?: I have a trip to japan planned for October

Do I have someone of the opposite sex I can tell everything to?: My brother Alex is honestly one of the best people in my life.

How often do I wear a fake smile?: 8 hours a day M-F while I’m at work

If I could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be?: Tom Holland or Johnny Depp or Jim Carrey. Honestly so many people

What do I think about most?: Haikyuu and BNHA

Do I prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it?: Behind

What was the last lie I told?: That I don’t smoke pot lol

Do I perfer talking on the phone or video chatting online?: I prefer to text

Do I believe in ghosts? How about aliens?: Yes and yes

Do I believe in magic?: Yes

Do I believe in luck?: Yes

What’s the weather like right now?: Its 92 degrees rn

What was the last book I’ve read?: I’m re-reading the House of Night series by P.C and Kristin Cast

Do I have any nicknames?: A lot. Sam, Sami, Sam I Am, Sammy Sosa, Bubbles

Do I spend money or save it?:  A little of both

Can I touch my nose with a tounge?: No :(

Favourite animal?: Penguins and Flamingos

What was I doing last night at 12 AM?: Sleeping

What’s a song that always makes me happy when I hear it?: Falling Like The Stars by Cole Norton

What is my favorite word?: Any cuss word. Probably fuck 

My top 5 blogs on tumblr: @myherowritings @handsoffmyfriends @akaashichigo @burnedbyshoto @gallickingun and so many more

If the whole world were listening to me right now, what would I say?: What’s up bitches

Do I have any relatives in jail?: Nope

What is my current desktop picture?: My Karasuno babies

Had sex? Yes

Bought condoms? Yes

Gotten pregnant? Nope

Have I ever kissed somebody in the rain? Maybe? I don’t remember

Had job?: Yes

Smoked weed? Yes

Smoked cigarettes? No

Drank alcohol? Yes

Am I a vegetarian/vegan? No 

Been overweight? Yes

Been underweight? No 

Gotten my heart broken? Yes

Been to prom? No

Been in airplane? Yes

Learned another language? Kinda? I did 4 years of German in HS but I don’t remember most of it.

Wore make up? Yes

Dyed my hair? Yes

Had a surgery? Does oral surgery count? I had my  wisdom teeth taken out

Met someone famous? No

Stalked someone on a social network? Maybe...

Been fishing? Yes

Been rejected by a crush? Yes

What do I want for birthday? Anything anime related tbh or maybe another tattoo

Do I like my handwriting? Ew no

Where do I want to live when older? North Carolina or somewhere where there’s no snow

Have I ever got caught sneaking out or doing anything bad? No

What I’m really bad at: Drawing

What my greatest achievments are: My SMAU’s

The meanest thing somebody has ever said to me: My dad called me a cunt one time 

What I’d do if I won in a lottery: Pay off my house and my car and buy my mom the house she deserves.

What do I like about myself: My eyes

My closest Tumblr friend: @handsoffmyfriends

Any question you’d like? I really like the swings

Are you outgoing or shy? A little bit of both

What kind of people are you attracted to? Anime boys

Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now?: Yes

Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable? Nope

Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with?: My brother

What does the most recent text that you sent say? lol ok

What are your 5 favorite songs right now? Me Against Myself by Wage War, Remembering Sunday by All Time Low, The Langdon House by Issues, Brand New Vision by Point North, Favorite Place by All Time Low.

Do you like it when people play with your hair?: AHHH YES

Do you think there is life on other planets?:  For sure

Do you like bubble baths? Yes

Do you like your neighbors? Yes

Where would you like to travel? Japan, Ireland, UK, Italy.

Favorite part of your daily routine? Leaving work lol

What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with? My stomach

What do you do when you wake up? Go pee

Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker? Nope

Do you ever want to get married? I’m already married

If your hair long enough for a pony tail? Sorta.

Would you rather live without TV or music? Neither

Have you ever liked someone and never told them? Yes

What are your favorite stores to shop in? Target

Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance? Depending on what they do

Do you smile at strangers? Sometimes

Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about?: Nope

Ever wished you were someone else?: Sometimes

Favourite makeup brand?: I don’t use makeup

Last thing you ate?: Pizza

Ever won a competition? For what? Nope

Ever been in love? Yes

Facebook or Twitter? Twitter

Twitter or Tumblr? Tumblr

Are you watching tv right now? Yes, Criminal Minds

What colour are your towels? Multicolored

Favourite ice cream flavour? Cookie n Cream

First person you talked to today? My husband

Last person you talked to today? My husband

Name a person you hate? I don’t hate anybody

Name a person you love? Everyone of you

Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now? Probably lol

Do you tan a lot? Not anymore

Have any pets? 2 dogs and a kitty cat

Do you type fast? Yes

Do you regret anything from your past?: Ohh boy yes

Ever broken someone’s heart?: Probably @handsoffmyfriends with all my angst

Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt?: Yes

Is cheating ever okay? No

Do you believe in true love? Yes

What your zodiac sign? Virgo

Do you believe in ghosts? Yes

Get the closest book next to you, open it to page 42, what’s the first line on that page? (via catscuddlingandyou) “Beautiufl, see the cloud, the cloud appear. Beautiful, see the rain,  the rain draw near.”

[mileycfan4eva33]

Fandom: SVU

Title:Epitaph Song

Chapter: 1 Down South

P O V: Amanda Rollins

Billy's Diner

Loganville, GA 2020

(A/N: Thank you as always for the readers who take the time to review, favorite or follow. As usual I own none of these SVU characters just my original characters. All others belong to NBC, Dick Wolf and Wold Ent. Jessie, Billie do not exist in this fic, I am still deciding if Noah dose or not. If you have a preference as to if you want Noah in it or not hit me up reviews motivate me.)

"Oh, Air Condition, thank God! It's hotter than a roasted pig on a skewer out there." Olivia Benson's laugh is light and airy as we enter the restaurant. "Oh, Amanda, I love your expressions, don't ever change. Seriously your southern drawl is so cute. Don't ever lose it."

"No worries, Olivia; it's been nearly ten years since I moved to New York. I haven't lost it yet." "Thanks again for coming down south with me. It means a lot."

"Your welcome Amanda, are you feeling any better since this weekend?" Shaking the soreness out of my weary bones I feel a yawn snaking up my jawlines as I try to fight it off to no avail, the yawn is relentless in its attempt to escape.

"A little thanks I am still tired and nausea I don't know why I slept all weekend, yet I still feel dizziness not as much as this weekend, but I am still weakened almost as if I am drained of all energy." Sliding into the booth, I lean back against the cool plastic backboard. "I'm sorry for calling out on you this weekend, Captain."

"Amanda, please, stop don't worry about it your health is too important don't apologize." "I am sorry, Liv, not just for this weekend, but now we're both away from NYC."

"Because your dad passed away, Amanda, we're not here on vacation. Kat and Fin understand, and Chief Garland sent two detectives to help out, SVU is covered. Please take some of this concern and apply it to yourself; you lost your dad. I know you haven't been close to him in years, but he is still your dad, give yourself the allowance to mourn, Amanda. Don't hide your emotions down and pretend that everything is perfectly fine."

"I don't think it's hit me yet, Olivia. I just don't feel anything." Olivia's hand slips over my hand as we lay them on the table, waiting on the waitress to come over to us. "It will Amanda, I don't know when sweetie, it may take weeks, days, months, but it will hit you. I just want you to know that I am here, honey, whenever you want to talk."

"Thank you, Liv; I appreciate this jester I know we haven't always been close, but I love the friendship that has been built over the last four years." "As do I Amanda. I love the trust that we've built within each other, the respect. Where is the waitress?"

"Liv, it's the south; we take our sweet time with everything, ain't no rushin' in the country life."

"You ever miss living down here, Peach?" "Honestly, Liv, there are parts I miss like my family, friends. I miss the comfort in knowing there is always someone here who will have your back. What I don't miss is everyone knowing everyone else business."

"Is that a true thing? Everyone else knows each other's business?"

As if God was given me a clue incomes Betsy Jane Rose "Oh, my bless my heart Amanda-Taylor Rollins, is that truly you?" I pick my head up, gritting my teeth as she comes flying inside the restaurant arms wild "Betsy Jane Mary-Sue it sure is, wow child it's been yonders since you've rolled back into these parts."

"Oh, I am so sorry about your daddy, such a shame bless your heart honey-bee."

"Oh well, how sweet of you, Ms. Betsy, so very kind of you thank you, how did you hear about my daddy's passing per se? We didn't put it in the Tribune or online."

"Oh, Sugar, you know how these things work, Lord, who needs that dingy old paper when we gave word of mouth. Has it been that long Darlin? Surely you remember the good old Betsy-Jane- Mary-Sue train."

"Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit. Oh Amanda, let me enlighten you wow New York City has slapped you silly, child. Anyways So Mary-Jo Higgins oh heavens I was born at night, but not last night! Duh, of course, you don't know who Mary-Jo Higgins is, well back in our days of youth she went by Mary-Jo Robins, so any who baby, Mary-Jo is now an RN."

"That's a Registered Nurse, by the way." "Yes, Ms. Rose, I know what an RN is."

"So yeah Mary-Jo works a that's Loganville Medical Center where your daddy was brought to by the Ambulance. So Mary-Jo was there when he passed bless his heart so Mary-Jo well you know good ol' Mary-Jo never could keep a secret so of course, she told her Mama who had to run down to the Salon to say to Ms. Sue who of course told the whole Salon."

Both of us laugh, "How did you find out, darlin?"

"Oh, you know this little thing called HIPPA they like to notify the Next of Kin, and since my parents you know divorced many moons ago, that would make me the eldest child his next of kin, since he hasn't gotten to remarry yet."

"Speaking of kin-folk dear, where is that sister of yours? She straighten her life out yet? Kimberly coming on her own?"

"No, Ma'am, I'm afraid she ain't gonna make it, you know the whole being in jail thing it kind of puts a cramp on a person's freedom. Thank you so much for coming over though, I sure don't want to keep you."

I don't give her a chance to answer quickly, sliding back into the booth turning to Olivia. Just as our waitress comes over. "good afternoon- honey pies, what can I get you ladies?" after we order, I lean back as Olivia starts to laugh, unable to hold in her amusement over Ms. Rose any longer. "So that's how news travels down south Captain." eagle eyeing Betsy across the room, I can already see she's on her cell phone. "Well, the whole damn town will know I am back soon enough." "that has to be frustrating, Amanda." "Oh, Liv, you ain't got a clue. Every day dealing with women like, is there any doubt about why I got out of here faster than a bat out of hell."

I stay silent about the other reason I left Georgia as soon as I was old enough my sexuality there's no room for differences here in the good old south. No way could I tell Olivia this though she has no idea I am a lesbian. "So, is your Mom coming?" "Lord, no Liv she's up in NY taking care of Mason, Mama said she was sorry the son of a bitch died, but she dumped his ass years ago, let his new hussy handle the affairs."

"My dear new sister, who I haven't even met yet. She's handling everything as per my dad's living will."

"Amanda, I am so sorry." "Don't be Olivia, I am fine." "Of course you are." I don't reply not because I don't have the response in me but because the doors burst open and a vast mass of people come pouring into the already packed diner.

"Amanda! It is true! You are back!" Tommy Jake Edwards "TJ" calls out "Yo Ms. Betsy Jane was right boys. Good Ol Rollins is back in town." there are rumblings from the entire group of men "Liv meet the former jocks of Loganville High School Pyro Red Devils who ruled LHS's halls from 1996-1999."

"Rollins, how can you sneak back into town and say nothing? Yo, Rollins, that is rude! I thought we were your boys!"

"Bump that T-rolls, I am pissed forget these clowns, I am your cousin! Uncle Jimmy is my kin-folk too. Where's my love?"

"Hey, Jensen, I just got back into town like literally ten minutes ago. I'm sorry it's been crazy these last few days. My head is still spinning. I haven't told anyone yet, sorry, truly."

Jensen's arms wrap around me tightly. "No worries, cuz. I got you. I am sorry I know you and your Pa wasn't close but damn it still sucks." "Thanks, Jensen, yeah, it does."

Coming out of his hug, I'm met by his brother Blake who I hug as tightly. "Yo boys will catch you later going to hang with family." the rest of the crew waves blowing me kisses as Liv, and I make room for these two. "Hi. I'm Olivia Benson, Amanda's boss, and friend."

"Oh honey-child we know who you are, we've heard all about you now haven't we Blake?" "Oh, yes, Yes, we have well let us introduce ourselves since Miss. Amanda has the manners of a pig. I am Blake Yankee; Jensen is my twin brother; our Mama is Amanda's dad sister."

"Were you three close growing up?" "Oh, tighter than chili papers, Mama, us, and our uncle TC's kids, our cousins Alonso and Scottie, are coming in tomorrow." "They called us the Rollin- Yankee-Terrors." Sipping my sweet tea, I groan, remembering all the names the seven of us use to get growing up. "don't tell her that she is my boss."

"Oh relax Junebug, it ain't like I told her about the time you put laxatives in Ernie Reynaldo's cornbread when you were ten and locked him in the outhouse for the whole day and told our teacher he ran away to the circus."

Olivia laughs so loudly. I feel my temperature rise in my face. "You what?" my face buries into the palms of my hands. "Yo, boy, that was nothing. Remember when we were twelve, and Kyle Kane told Manda she was uglier than a burnt barn, she took his pants and underwear while he was changing and threw it into the river."

Both boys bang on the table laughing, shoving each other as Olivia arched an eyebrow in my direction "Oh, yeah I do, she let the anger seethe inside all week till Saturday when the whole town was gathered for the annual fishing competition. When Kyle's dad was with the reporter for Atlanta news, Kyle comes walking bare-ass naked; the entire town saw him walking his little dude swinging in the breeze. Kyle was grounded for months. "

My embarrassment only increases as I lay my head down, groaning while all three laugh. "Oh, God, even as a kid, Amanda, you were a rule-breaker and a little shit-head." I feel Olivia's hand stroke mine laughing as she hangs her head down tears running down her face, which a lovely rose color.

I only pick my head up when the food arrives, feeling my whole body shiver and jolt as I lean back, smelling the greasy food. Reaching for the ketchup, I pop a fry in my mouth. I still can't shake this feeling of being drained or the tightness in my head.

"Oh My." another voice pops into my world as I see Mr. Jason Axson and Mrs. Janet Axson coming in with their two kids Christopher 17, Savannah 14. her voice cuts through the air. "How are you, Sugar?' "I am just peachy; thank you, just enjoying dinner with my family, here."

"Oh, of course, we don't mean to interrupt. You could use the food; obliviously, you are mighty thin sugar. Your daddy was right; they are working your tail to its bone up there in that big city unless you are sick again, darling."

"No Ma'am, I am right as a peach as I said, but I am trying to enjoy my dinner." "Yeah, Janet let these nice folks eat; worry about our own family; I do apologize, Miss. Amanda lovely to see you again, we shall pop in at another time."

Olivia's eyes stare right into mine. I know she's wondering about the "Are you sick again" line my face flushes as I look down, avoiding her eyes and the question. Another part of my past she has no idea about, My stomach rolls as I think about all the secrets and pressures I have on top of me, none of which Olivia needs to add to her plate.

"I need to use the bathroom, I'll be back, excuse me." getting up I start to head there, of course, a two-minute walk becomes ten as I am stopped by multiple people offering their condolences. My back hits the wall just as another wave of dizziness hits me; I do everything inside of me not to show it to anyone, I can see Olivia's eyes on me from across the room. Yet it isn't Olivia who catches my attention, rare I know.

This time, Savannah's voice so young, scared, and nervous. I am standing right next to their table as I hear Savannah say. "Mama, Daddy, I have something to tell you." Savannah's beautiful emerald eyes glisten as she stares at her parents. "I am a Lesbian, and I plan to come out this weekend at the prom."

Savannah's courage freezes me. I am forty and don't have the courage she has at fourteen-years-old. I can't think fast enough to react before her mom is out of her chair, smacking Savannah across her face. "You are not gay! Stop your lying, you fifthly whore! Who put these lies in your head? You are a good girl, a good baptist girl. Take it back!"

"No Mama, I can't I won't because I am gay, and yes I am a good girl, I am a baptist and MVP for the last two years in all the southern regions. I will play at college, and I will go pro, and my sexuality won't stop me from doing any of that."

"Fool, of course, it will, but you won't have to because you are not gay!"

"Mama, I am please just listen to me. Stop being such a bitch."

Her dad jumps up, grabbing at Savannah as I react, finally racing towards Savannah as Jason starts yelling. "Don't talk to your mother that way! Ever! No daughter of mine will be a sinner! I could deal with you being pregnant, not this! This is unforgivable. You either get over this phrase you little slut or you are OUT OF THIS FAMILY! Let's go now, Christopher, Janet leave her."

I hurry towards Savannah, who is trying with her whole body to remain strong as her family walks out. I know her face is stinging from the assault, but it's nothing like the pain in her soul. The rest of the restaurant sits there, not offering to help just turning to their families. My hands connect to Savannah's as I help her sit down "Sweetie, I am so sorry that your parents reacted to you."

"It's okay, ma'am, I excepted this. It was so so stupid-crazy to even except for any different outcome."

"No honey, it isn't it's not crazy or stupid to except unconditional love from your family; that's what parents are supposed to do. Of course, you wanted to tell them living in secrets, hiding who you are, it's exhausting. The if only or what-ifs or the I should have's, they take their tolls."

"It's 2020, not 1990 times have changed; maybe the south should catch up." My hands rub Savannah's back softly. "I'm from here honey, so I get it baby-girl I know how scary accepting your sexuality is, I know how painful it is to hold this all inside, to feel as if you ain't normal simply because you don't feel fireworks when the popular jocks kiss you."

"I knew that when I was thirteen, I felt it already I was great to hang out with boys all day when it came to playing ball, or telling dirty jokes or pulling pranks, but when it came to who I was attracted to sexually or emotionally, guys they just didn't do it for me. I could feel myself gravitating toward girls in ways that I didn't with boys."

"Don't let your sexual identity label you or define you—whether it be as lesbian, bisexual, asexual, or another term—how you choose to label yourself is not based on a checklist. You can still be everything you just told your parents; you can play any instrument you want to learn, you can be the best damn softball player this world's ever seen."

"Savannah, I started figuring it out at thirteen, but I didn't let myself act physically until I was 16, I kissed a girl at a party for the first time, and it was magical. Everything flowed so naturally, my body just knew what to do. I reacted to her in a way that felt right—the way I had always envisioned the first kiss to be. I tried saying I was bisexual for a quick minute and even had sex with several guys to prove that I wasn't an abomination the way the church, my family, and everyone else in this town always said gay people are. Still, I could feel myself gravitating toward girls in ways that I didn't with boys."

"Did your family accept you?"

"I don't know I never told anyone I was too scared. It was a different time back then before it got better or internet support. There were no Gay pride parades even now at forty living in NYC, a place filled with cultural and sexuality differences. I am still living in that small-town mindset. I can't tell anyone. I can't even tell the woman who I am madly in love with who I know is so accepting of people. Because I am still afraid that even with an open mind as beautiful as Olivia's, I am afraid she'll reject me."

"Savannah, I know this feels like the end of the world right now, it's not I am right by your side. I will support you; you can stay with me. Will get through this together."

"Thank you, Miss. Amanda. Thank you so much. I think you should tell this Olivia lady how you feel. Even with my parent's rejection, I feel such a weight off my chest; I feel as if I can finally breathe."

"Amanda, maybe you should listen to Savannah, she seems like a brave young lady, and I love women who are strong in body, mind, and spirit. You have a very sexy strong body, and I know your mind is sharp, so if you get some balls Amanda and tell me how you feel face to face, I think we might be able to make a beautiful connection, of our minds, souls and our bodies." Olivia's voice completely freezes every sense, emotion and body function inside of me. I can't speak, think, move or even breathe.

Did she just hear me confess my deepest feelings for her?

[dcathwithoutglory-blog]

it’s jay. again. my browser just crashed. so i’m just gonna copy and paste my old intro. there’s no time to try and make it better. rip !

⌊ priyanka chopra, cis woman, antigone ⌉ ⏀ have you spoken to ALEXANDRA “ALEXA” MEHRA recently? the THIRTY-FOUR year old who’s been in seneca for SEVEN YEARS or so? either way, they always seem to remind me of FLOWERS PLACED ON A GRAVE, A RUSTY COMPASS, STORMS IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT whenever i see them on main street. on a good day they’re pretty MORALISTIC, but they can also be RESISTANT. ⌊ jay, 19. est, she/her ⌉

the story of antigone that y’all probs already know but jic.

triggers: brief implication of incest but like wbk, brief mention of suicide, death, creon bein a bitch

brief overview of antigone (character + eponymous story):

antigone was born to oedipus and jocasta.

we all know what happened there. after that, oedipus was like “see no evil feel no evil” and jocasta yeet’d out of living.

her brothers went to war against each other. when creon ascended to the throne, he allowed burial for eteocles with honors, but was like “lmao if u bury polyneices i will kill u”

but antigone was like ‘lmao SURE JAN’ and tried to convince ismene, her sister, to help her bury polyneices. ismene was like ‘ok that’s a rly bad idea like good luck but count me out tbh.’

antigone is rly bad at digging graves tho so polyneices’s body was found and creon was like ‘oh my GOD’ and she’s like ‘fuck the government viva la morality!’

then creon was like ‘ok anyway rmr when i said u wld die if u buried polyneices so ig now u have to be buried alive in a tomb’ then antigone was like ‘actually i’ll be hanging myself before u can do fuck the government’

then he was like ‘at least u’ll be dead! oh wait -

Y’ALL GO SAVE EVERYONE’ but then it was too late

antigone and his son had both killed themselves and everyone, including himself, were just like

“get WREKT creon!!!!!”

alexa ( play despacito ).

triggers: suicide (x2), death (x3), mental illness implications, war, brief mentions of torture and murder

ok now onto alexandra ! so, like i did for valda, i looked up names that shared the same meaning as ‘antigone’ (which essentially means “against”) and one of the suggestions was alexa but i also wanted it to sound. super valiant. but at the same time. i wanted it to be something that could have a conversational nickname. so im already hc’ing that she has ‘despacito’ saved on her phone. also alexandra is my middle name so like?? stan list?? OK ANYWAY.

alright, so alexandra was born to a very upper-class family. her father was a politician and her mother was a successful lawyer. they provided well for the perfect nuclear family –– two sons, two daughters, a golden retriever, two cats in the yard life used to be so hard now everything is easy cause of-

like... her early life, say birth to age 14, was... nice. actually normal and nice. have i ever done that before? has my own edgelord ass ever done that before? i don’t think so.

which is why things obviously took a turn for the worse

but yeah. when she was 14, she was like “hey mom idk how to do pre-algebra” (a mood) but there was no response from her mom. so shrug city, you know? she just went to her older sister instead. but like... so much time passed.... and nothing....

finally, this nosy bitch decided to be like “ok i’m gonna go see what tf she’s doing” and that was just... a terrible idea. instead of finding her mom doing her nails or talking on the phone or any number of reasons she may not have come out yet, she found her mother hanging from the ceiling fan.

she tried to get her brothers’ and sister’s help, and they tried so desperately to help (you know, while also calling 911 and their father), but it was to absolutely no avail.

after this hella traumatizing experience, the children grew closer as the father grew farther.

he began getting lost in his own mind, sometimes accidentally mixing the past with the present, a la willy loman style. he would hold slight conversations with their ‘mother’ while at the table, then began holding them with various others from the past. it was pretty clear that his mind had just been looking for an excuse to snap, and the death of his wife had been the perfect scapegoat.

although it had originally just affected him in his home life, he began holding said conversations in the presence of people outside his family.

this is not good for a politician.

i mean it’s not good for anyone but...

his support immediately began dropping. his team gradually left him, finding there was no way he would ever be able to gain another victory if he kept on living in a limbo between the past and the present. given that he’d started ‘talking to his brother’ during one of his speeches... 

rest in peace to his career.

alexa (play despacito) was 18 at the time, her sister - 20, one of her brothers - 21, the other - 24.

they were all legal adults! some of them had even moved out! so their father figured his next move would not affect him in the way their mother’s death had!

so he shot himself.

the only people who showed up at his funeral were alexa and her sister. her eldest brother proclaimed that flying across the country would be too much of a hassle for that, and the other brother simply did not respond.

her eldest brother did, however, enlist in the army after setting legalities in place that would allow him to send money back to his siblings. he had joined simply because it was an easy opportunity (what with all of the propaganda), but his decision prompted the other brother to do the same –– this time because he was talented at ‘the art of fighting.’

and bc more money but like... get wrekt.

alexa’s sister dropped out of college to work a full-time job –– one that paid fairly handsomely. alexa took some odd jobs.

aka, everyone was trying to make money.

creon was right when he said “money! nothing worse”

so things kind of dipped when the eldest brother was killed. after an accusation that he’d become a traitor, their other brother had taken it upon himself to ‘anonymously’ torture and shoot him. but the other side did it!

which everyone knew was a lie.

because of the accusations, he was not only not allowed a military funeral, he was also not meant to be buried in any honorable fashion. instead, his body was returned to his hometown to be buried there following a quiet and uneventful funeral.

his grave was left unmarked.

nonetheless, the grave was visited every day, new flowers laid atop.

meanwhile, their other brother was considered a newfound military icon. he’d gotten rid of a ‘traitor’ (they continued to pretend it was someone from the other side, of course), he’d killed many an enemy, he’d done this and that and this and that and it all made him look so morally grey to alexa and her sister (who, granted, had yet to find out he’d killed their other brother), but like such a white knight to his fellow soldiers.

he truly rose in the ranks. it was what he was meant to do.

but the more he killed, the more he tortured, the lack of grief towards his brother’s death...

alexa’s sister wasn’t buying her hypothesis. it wasn’t necessarily because she saw their other brother was some pure being, but because she simply didn’t believe he was capable of that.

the next time alexa saw her brother, she got confirmation enough. what to do with the information, she wasn’t sure, but she knew she had to do something...

murder wasn’t the solution... she didn’t have any military connections that would allow for her to spout some lie about why he needed to be dishonorably discharged... but what he did couldn’t skate by...

to this day, she is still wondering what she can do to fuck him over. his success in the military keeps growing grander and grander, thus rendering any fake dishonorable discharge excuses completely moot. her sister still doesn’t believe that there really is a solution –– that, while it is greatly harmful, there’s absolutely nothing they can do and ruminating on it is worthless –– trying to find some quest to defeat their own brother is absurd.

although she has since moved to seneca, attracted to its small town appeal, she continues to visit her eldest brother’s grave every week –– it’s about a two hour drive, so it’s worth it.

she’s taken up work as a cemetery caretaker

because of COURSE she would.

and, although its pay is.... lousy, she’s been making due. for the tombstones no one visits any longer, first she’ll look them up to make sure they weren’t slave-owners or anything, she’ll bring them their own flowers. the dead deserve just as much respect as the living, hm?

personality.

i just realized i didn’t do this for valda (aka, i’m about to update her intro with it), but a total enneagram type 2.

too empathetic for her own good, too ‘this person whom i do not even know deserves flowers’ for her own good, too ‘i’ve got to protect _______ by doing _________’ for her own good

a capricorn

so driven by her own moral compass, she does not CARE about anything that says she has to go against it

her moral compass can be super faulty sometimes tho

pretty quick to make assumptions tbh, but has so far been right abt most of them.

so also driven by gut feelings ig

dramatic tbh. i mean she’s the adapted version of a character whose first lines contained “there's nothing, no pain—our lives are pain” SO.

also p independent (as in i said valda was independent), but her vendetta isn’t against men in general, rather just her brother who is still alive

so like,,, that said,,, holds grudges.

im bad at personality sections!! as has been stated before!! but i think the gist has been gotten across!!

wanted connections.

so rn i only have one specific one which is her sister and can be found on the wc page

will come up w/ unique ones later but until then open 2 hearing urs/brainstorming!

tl;dr.

(refer to triggers listed before the bullets.) a lot of death? like mom kills herself then dad turns into willy loman then dad kills himself. brothers both join the army. one brother kills the other brother for being accused of being a ‘traitor.’ said brother doesn’t get a proper funeral and his headstone is unmarked. the other brother rises in the rankings and alexa knows what happened. convinced her sister of it, but her sister is more logical and let her know that she was very angry too, but making her entire life about it would do nothing but endanger herself and others. moved to seneca because she liked the small town feel. still visits her eldest brother’s grave every week to leave flowers. works as a cemetery caretaker bc WHY NOT. brings flowers to graves that are either unmarked or no longer visited. i hope you read all of that and just thought ‘oh my god fckin EDGELORD’ because you’re right.

alright ! fin.

like this or hmu if you’d like to plot !

[ghost-town-story]

... The more I sit here and am allowed to think, the more pissed off and upset I get

Rant blog status reinstated!

So firstly, I’m not happy about getting kicked off campus. But social distancing shit, whatever I guess, whatcha gonna do. 

But no. My fucking mother takes the goddamned fucking cake rn. 

We got the email about being kicked off around 4 pm eastern time, Monday. My mother. This fucking woman. Calls me and insists I pack my stuff and get off campus by Tuesday morning. Packing is normally at least a few days ordeal, especially since I hate packing and it always stresses me out a bunch. But done in little spurts, okay I guess, more doable. 

But noooo I have to get out by Tuesday. Fucking. Morning. And this woman actually has the gall, the fucking gall to halfheartedly suggest I start out Monday evening since I’ve gone nocturnal. 

I tried to tell her there’s no fucking way, but she wouldn’t fucking listen. So she hangs up, and I go down the hall bc I desperately need a hug by this point, and she’s a sweetheart but the only roommate available is a gangly skinny girl and not the type of hugs I need. (really, boyfriend would be ideal, but at the time he was in Colorado visiting his sister). And I end up breaking down on huggin friend’s couch bc I hate packing, and I don’t feel like I can pack up a year’s worth of shit in about 12 hours. 

Mom eventually calls me again, mostly just to tell me “yeah you need to pack up and get back tonight, your roommate can grab the 1-2 bins remaining.” And she refuses to listen to me saying “hey, it’s a solid 2 loads in my car, it’s not gonna be 1-2 bins”  “But it fit all in your first car!” “My first car was a fuckin beast, literally the largest car in the lot freshman year. Fred is definitely shorter, definitely less trunk space, etc.”  “Well Y can get the last few bins.” “It’s a lot of stuff!” “It won’t be that much” JUST FUCKING LISTEN YOU PIECE OF SHIT FFS

I was so stressed and crying that huggin friend stole my phone when I was texting my boyfriend, and had him call me so I could maybe stop crying. I miss my boy. Hearing him was good tho.

I’m packing up my stuff in the bathroom when I remember. I store my empty bins at my brother’s place (2 hrs north). I double check with him and call my mom back “I can’t leave tomorrow. It’s too much to pack, and some of my bins are at Brother’s.”  Despite all this, despite me literally breaking down and crying on the phone, she refuses to listen, to give me an extra day, to bring half my stuff up to my brother’s (and therefore eliminate most of the need to have my roommate take my stuff) and grab my extra bins. Nope, gotta get out.

I was staring at my room, halfheartedly packing and trying to figure out, and just sobbing out loud. I thought remaining roommate was gone at dinner, otherwise I would have tried to be quiet. But she had gotten back without me noticing, and when she poked her head in, I couldn’t do it anymore and just kinda. Fell to the ground crying and apologizing. She’s a such a sweetheart and I feel bad for probably worrying her (and possibly waking her up in the middle of the night with packing noises)

I texted my roommate about this. She basically said, “Wtf, what she’s asking isn’t possible.”

Same thing from my boyfriend. 

My mom kept texting me, asking how things were going, basically ignoring my subtle requests for more fucking time. At one point she said “Hang in there”. I sent a screenshot of that to my roommate and boyfriend and asked, “Is murder acceptable?” Roommate said a solid yes. Boyfriend offered to let me live with him. (cept 2 hour parking and I already got one ticket from that :P)

Mom texted around 10 pm, asking if things were fitting in the car. I wasn’t even remotely to the point of packing the car. I was basically at break number 2 of mandatory “sit down, have something to eat, and rehydrate after crying so damn much”. I think I had one bin completely done (out of what ended up being like. 6 bins? plus assorted bags n stuff) and was mostly done packing my clothes, but like. slow going. Especially when packing is stressful and you keep getting overwhelmed woot woot

I put off a fair number of things bc of panicking about time and simple emotional capability to do so. Sorting out my dishes, unlofting my bed, grabbing my band shit from the music hall across campus.

At some point in the night, I had to lay down, because my body decided “hey, you know what would be great right now? Period cramps, minus the blood.” Which, thank fuck minus the blood, but also it meant I had to spend a solid half hour/hour out of commission bc it hurt so damn much to walk around and try to pack. But I had to keep going, even though the pain came back when I stood up again.  

Mom texted me at 7 am if I’m awake. I hadn’t slept. 

We have housekeepers, and they got there around when I was finishing loading up. I stopped and chatted for a bit (nobody had told them what was going on), and nearly started crying again because it was just so damn shitty. Everything’s so damn shitty. 

So I got on the road at about 8 am, and get to driving for a bit, but about 1.5 hours in I’m doing bad. I can barely keep focused, despite drinking probably half a bottle of Mt. Dew by this point, so I pull into a rest stop and text my mom “Hey, I forgot my shampoo/conditioner/toothbrush stuff, and also I don’t think I can get home safe.”

Does my mother tell me to take a nap in that rest stop? Nope Does she tell me to find a hotel or motel there and take a nap/sleep and try again tomorrow? Nope Does she tell me I can go back to school, sleep through the day, and try again tomorrow? Ha ha fucking ha.

Nope. She calls me, and proceeds to tell me to keep driving, and that she’s going to stay on the phone with me so I don’t fall asleep. 

I yelled at her quite a few times, when she was being fucking stupid about all this shit. She had the fucking gall to be pissed that I pulled an all nighter, when that’s what was fucking necessary to meet her stupid fucking deadline. 

At one point, I made a new driving playlist so hopefully it would keep me awake better while I wasn’t on the phone (being serenaded... awake? by the lovely voice of Tilian lel (lots of DGD and his solo work on that playlist. Also ATL. Fuck yeah ATL. anywho)). And right after I made that, she ended up calling me before I was driving yet, and I rejected it bc I really wanted to finish my text to the dear bf, and then I started driving, thinking she’d call me back and chew me out for ignoring her, but surprisingly nope. So I just jam out for a bit, and eventually start yelling at myself bc of dumb writing ideas (the original story rewrite... lol) and I end up texting my roommate (while driving... shh) “Hey, feel free to call me if you want to hear me ramble on about writing” So after a short phone call from mum where she hung up to let me drive through a city, roommate calls, and I end up spending the last few hours of my drive rambling at her and mutually bitching about the shitty situation this leaves us in. 

When I get home, my dad (a doctor) is wearing a mask, apparently at my mother’s request. He also mentions that we probably shouldn’t be in the same room, according to her. I am also forced to strip everything and shower basically immediately. K, fine, I do so, Dad makes me dinner (despite Mom’s probable disapproval), and I stay awake just long enough to toss my laundry in the dryer. It was a close thing tho. I nearly fell asleep waiting for the washer to finish. And so I pass out at 8 pm central time (9 pm eastern)

Mom, during all this, has fucked off Up North to our cabin, my final destination.

Wednesday, Mom makes me leave our place in the Cities at 11 am to get up before weather gets worse and all that jazz. Once here, I’m allowed freedom for as long as it takes to help mother move shit so I can fit my car inside a garage, then I take the bare minimum inside (my electronics, stuff that would explode if frozen (like pop (and my Smirnoff Ices shh)), travel toothbrush I somehow have and hairbrush), and I’m immediately quarantined to my room and the bathroom down the hall. 

So here I fucking am. Bored as shit and pissed the hell off

I needed more time. But no fucking way Mom was going to let that happen. 

I could have gone up to my brother’s. But noooo I had to come all the fucking way home, only to be shoved in a room for two weeks.

I could have taken care of all/most of my shit by my fucking self (dishes are debatable, would need basically the whole apartment to sort those out), but nope, can’t take enough time to take a trip up to my brother’s apartment 2 hours away, no way.

Nope, instead I have to suffer a panic attack for basically 16 hours, then nearly kill myself driving, because I can’t stay one fucking day more, because I have to get my ass up here just to be basically shoved in a room and left alone for 2 goddamned weeks. Nope. Can’t fucking make sure that moving out, usually stressful on its own, is as calm as we can make it in these trying times. Nope. Gotta just fucking nearly kill the kiddo instead to comply with my stupid whims because I can’t fucking listen

I’m pissed.

Especially since I was almost 100% sure I was gonna block her everywhere and go full no contact with this bitch after college.

But now I’m stuck here for the foreseeable future! Yay! Can’t see that going badly! 

(I’ve already texted the anonymemers to call me so I don’t go crazy and actually punch her. We’ll see how that goes. The desire has been kinda strong all afternoon.)

Fuck

This

Shit

[the--blackdahlia]

Red Dawn Chapter 14 (SPN AU)

Title: Red Dawn Chapter 14

Summary:  Calumet, Colorado is just a normal, American town. And the Winchesters are just a normal family. Until war breaks out on their doorstep. Now, they have to fight not only for their lives, but the lives of their friends, neighbors, and all of America. Based off the Red Dawn movies.

Warnings: Language, character death, angst

A snowstorm was moving in. The dark clouds looked nasty, and if it would’ve been about ten degrees warmer, Cas was sure there would be a tornado instead. The drums could be heard in the distance. Coming from Calumet. They were marching again, for what no one in the group knew. All they knew was that too many of their own had died in the short time they had occupied their town, and it was time for them to go.

****

Soldiers set in the auditorium of Calumet high, staring at the screen ahead as their leader offered a Power Point presentation. The man standing on the stage was a hard faced man. He had been in the army since he was in his early twenties, and he had never left. He did good, damn good. And his great leader was not ready to let someone like him slip through his fingers.

Kweon Sang-jun stared out over his men with fire and determination in his eyes. After the last attack by the Hunters, he was ready for them to all to die already.

“Attention!” One of his underlings called out, getting silence from the auditorium.

“I know how rumors like to fly.” Sang-jun said, walking across the stage. “We are losing. Our great leader is upset with us. That our efforts will be useless within a few months. But rest assured, that is not the case.” He pointed at the projector just off stage with the little remote he had, starting the presentation. Black and white photos filled the screens.

“These are the known members of the Hunters.” He said. “Sergeant Dean Winchester, Samuel Winchester, Colonel Benjamin Lafitte, Lisa Braden RN, Rufus Turner, Robert Singer, Joanna Harvelle, Megan Masters, Ruby Masters, Fergus Crowley, James Murphy, Castiel Novak. We have received reports that we have successfully killed one of their members. A Caleb Padalecki. One down, twelve to go.”

“We know they are hiding in the mountain.” Sang-jun continued, changing to the next slide. “One group of men found this out months ago when they tragically lost their lives to these vicious killers.” He paused for a second and switched to the next slide. “We have killed people in connection with them. Jonathan Winchester, Jessica Moore, Rick Padalecki, along with his son Caleb. We have brave brothers right now researching these Hunters. To figure out weaknesses, strengths, connections, etc. We will flush them out one way or another.”

****

They moved quietly. Men in all white suits to blend in with the snow. Following the trail of tanks that made their way towards the Hunters, these men set out on a mission. They were quiet and quick, but the Hunters were waiting. They had heard through their radio that a plan had been enacted to flush them out. There were spies everywhere, working for and against the allies. Dean was just glad that this information had been right.

Sam was on his stomach behind a tree stump, a gun out in front of him on a small tripod. He had so much hatred in his eyes. They had taken almost everything from him. His dad, his girlfriend, his best friend. All they hadn’t taken from him was Dean and he would be damned if they did that. He knew the others were scattered out in the snow around him, watching and waiting. Hell, Jo and Meg had even taken to the tree tops, guns ready and waiting.

One of the white uniforms stepped on a trip wire that Benny had set up, setting off a bomb that blew up at least four men. Lisa smiled at his work as she fired a gun at people that ran toward their fallen comrades. Explosions and gunfire filled the air. Jo and Meg even dropped down from the treetops and slit a few throats.

“It’s quiet.” Ruby whispered after a little while. Meg stood in front of her, gun ready. Benny motioned for everyone to follow. Dean pulled Sam to his feet and they all walked behind Benny, looking for any sign of an ambush.

“If they’re still moving, shoot them.” Benny said. “We can’t have them calling back to their base to tell them what happened. They’ll figure it out on their own.” Everyone nodded and fanned out. Sam cringed as he heard a few shots going off. He looked over as Dean placed his gun against a head and fired. He made his way over to where Meg was standing, gun pointed at a terrified man. Ruby was off to the side, staring at her sister with wide eyes.

“Meg…” Sam said, walking over towards her. Ruby looked at Sam for help. “Meg, listen to me.”

“No.” She growled. “He killed Caleb. He was about to kill Cas. I’m done letting him kill people.”

“He didn’t kill Caleb.” Sam assured her. “Dean got rid of that guy. As for Cas, yeah he probably was. But he didn’t kill everybody. He’s a soldier just like we are.”

“I’m not a soldier!” Meg snapped. Sam sighed and gently put a hand on her shoulder.

“Yes you are. We all are whether we like it or not.” Sam told her. He looked down at the man. “And I think I have a better plan for him right now.”

****

“What are we doing?” Crowley asked, pacing behind the man they had sitting in the snow. His hands and feet were zip tied together, and even if he could get out of that, everyone around him had some sort of weapon. He wasn’t getting out of here easily.

“Parlez vous anglais?” Ruby asked, sitting in front of the man. “Sprichst du Englisch?”

“So what if he does?” Jimmy said, staring at Ruby trying to get the man in front of her to say anything. Ruby looked back at him.

“I have to get him to say something.” She said.

“Just shoot him already!” Rufus said. “We don’t know if he has a fucking tracking device on him or something!” That’s when Lisa stood up from where she had been searching the jacket he had been wearing. She held up a device, gray and boxy.

“What is that?” Bobby asked.

“It looks like one of those things they use to check for radiation in movies.” Jo said. Lisa handed the device off to Benny for him to examine. Being at a higher ranking than Dean, he had probably seen more gadgets that the military had to offer. He examined the device.

“What is that thing?” Meg asked. The man didn’t answer, just staring straight ahead at her. She hauled off then and let her hand go flying, back handing him across the face. He fell onto the ground, Meg posed to punch him again when Cas placed a gentle hand on her shoulder. The man started mumbling things in Korean. Dean knelt in front of him then, his eyes dark and full of hate and anger.

“I hear a chopper or a tank of any kind, I’m blowing your fucking brains out.” He stated matter of factly. He was sure that statement meant in Korean what it did in English. The man spit at Dean then, red splattering on the snow when Dean backed up. The man was bleeding. Who knew how long he’d last?

“Go die Yankee.” He growled at Dean in broken English.

“I’m gonna kill him.” Dean looked over at Sam. “Can I shoot him?” Lisa stifled a laugh. It was like he was asking his wife permission for something.

“Not just yet.” Sam said. While he really didn’t want anyone else to die, having this man here was starting to piss Sam off. And it had been his idea to bring him there.

“This thing is pointing.” Jo said, looking over Lisa’s shoulder. “It’s moving.”

“Where?” Dean asked, standing up. Lisa looked down at the device, eyes wide as she looked up. Dean looked to where it was pointing to see Rufus standing there awkwardly. “Rufus…”

“Dean…I can explain…” Rufus began. Benny walked towards him. Bobby looked heartbroken. Rufus was his best friend. They had been friends for years. How could he do something like this? To all of them?

“Where is it?” Dean asked, gritting his teeth. Benny stood behind him for backup.

“Did Caleb die because of you?” Jimmy asked, ignoring Dean’s request. “Did Caleb die because you sold us out?!” Tears were streaming down his face. Meg gripped her gun, ready to shoot Rufus if necessary. Dean grabbed Rufus and yanked him to his feet.

“Where is the god damn bug?!” Dean screamed. Rufus whimpered some.

“They made me swallow it.” He admitted.

“Rufus, you son of a bitch!” Bobby screamed. “How could you do this?!”

“Caleb is dead because of you!” Meg cried out. Dean glared Rufus down. Those tanks would’ve never been there if it hadn’t been for Rufus. Caleb would’ve never gave his life the way he did. They would’ve never had their own POW sitting just feet from them. It was all Rufus’s fault.

“My dad turned me in.” Rufus admitted. “I snuck off to see him and my mom. They had her. They told him that if he could turn in any of these suspects of espionage, he could have her back. So he saw my name on the list and I was sitting right there. They took me in, made me swallow the bug and told me to go back to you guys. So my mom and dad could be safe…”

“So your parents get to be safe while we lose ours?” Cas asked. “While Rick Padalecki and John Winchester have to die? Or Mr. Pellegrino? Or Jessica? What makes your family any more important than ours?”

“Because they’re my family!” Rufus said. “Crowley, you would do the same for your mother, right? Any of you would!”

“My mother is a heartless bitch and I hate her.” Crowley said. “Of course I would do the same for her. But I’m not going to! I want to survive. And from the look of it, you’re about to die.” Rufus was shoved to the ground by Dean.

“You stupid, stupid bastard.” Dean growled.

“Dean…” Benny said. The look between the two was enough. They knew what they had to do.

****

Rufus stood beside the POW. His arms were still zip tied. Rufus was free standing. His friends, or at least his former friends, stood in front of him, staring him down. Even Bobby, who had been his best friend for years, was glaring at him. He was so ashamed of what he did, but if he had the chance to do it again, he would. To keep his family safe.

“Do you want blindfolds?” Dean asked calmly. The POW mumbled something in his own language. Dean looked at Rufus.

“Dean, let him go!” Jo begged. She didn’t want Rufus to die this way. He had always been so nice to her.

“Shut up Jo!” Dean snapped at her, silencing her. He turned to look back at the two in front of him.

“He told them where we are.” Jimmy said. “Caleb died because of him.”

“Dean…” Sam said. Dean looked at his brother, seeing the pain in his eyes. “If we do this, what’s the difference between us and them?”

“We’re not them.” Dean said. “They killed Dad! They killed Jessica!”

“And according to you, he killed Caleb.” Sam said. “Did he pull the trigger? He might have led the tanks to us, but it was Caleb’s choice to climb up there and fight.”

“This is our home.” Dean said, a tear in his eye. He looked over at Benny, who nodded and took the pistol from Dean.

“Land of the free, home of the brave.” Benny said. “I got this Dean-o.” He looked at Rufus and the POW. “Any final words?”

“I’m so sorry.” Rufus whispered. Benny nodded and pointed the pistol at the POW first, shooting him. He fell to the ground. Rufus raised his hands. “Benny please, don’t shoot me.”

“I don’t know you the way they know you.” Benny explained. “It doesn’t hurt me as bad to get rid of a traitor. I’ve been doing it my whole career.”

“Don’t shoot him Benny.” Dean said. Benny looked back at Dean. Just as he did, the sound of a gun went off. But it hadn’t been Benny who had shot Rufus. Rufus fell to the feet of his killer, looking up to see tears coming down his face. Bobby wiped at his eyes and walked away from his friend.

“It’s done.” Bobby said. Dean looked at him with wide eyes. Meg turned away from Rufus and buried her head in Cas’s chest. He led her away, the others following, leaving Benny, Sam, and Dean standing there.

“Come on.” Sam told his brother quietly, gently pulling on his arm. Dean nodded and followed along behind Sam.

****

Sam added Rufus’s name to the rock. No one said anything, but he saw Bobby tear up when he saw the letters. He had killed his best friend. But that friend had caused the death of another friend, and probably would’ve caused more if they hadn’t been tipped off on the radio. Bobby had done the right thing.

Then why did he feel so shitty?

Tag List: @petrovadixon @theas-bedtime-stories @smoothdogsgirl @tornjeansandabrokenheart @jewelsbaby98 @aiaranradnay @dekahg @af112992 @crownedloki @cutie1365 @blacktithe7

[suspiciousgay]

What's happening with the parent situation? ~ Concerned TMM

well i don't wanna go into full detail but likeher mother is a bitch, i'm just gonna say that rnafter i leave her house after, say, spending the night, she makes syd clean the whole house, as if i contaminated it or some shitand then today she said she didn't give a shit about what she wanted, and she threatened her by saying that she'll leave her home tomorrow when they all go somewhere and she eventually agreed but when she was getting into the car, her shit little brother let the dog go, and daisy, which is the dog, tore up my front yard, and when she and i brought daisy back, we knew that she was going to be blamed for it, bc they always blame her, the eldest siblingthen her mother favors the younger shitheads much more than her, and i know they'll grow up, thinking they can have everything they want, while syd is treated like a mistakei have asked her plenty of times if i could just like adopt her, and sometimes it was jokingly, but most of the time i just wanted to get her away from all of that shither dad is actually decent, however, and i'd rather she move in with him, but the downside to that is her dad lives in a different city, so i'll never really be able to see her so that would suckbut i feel so bad for her and i wanted to call her mom out so badly for being a bitch but like ehhhhh i was outside where people, including my parents, could hear me, and i don't want to be cut out from my best friend's life for that, and who knows, her mother might actually do that, i don't know, but like you don't either sough, ok, i'm donei said i didn't wanna go into full detailbut i kinda lied~ sincerely, me

[amberlynnwashere]

tw

So my mom’s funeral is this coming Saturday and there’s so much drama going on and I swear if anyone gets into a fight at the funeral I’m going to pepper spray everyone involved, no exceptions. 

My brother Chris didn’t want to come because his ex-girlfriend was going to be there- we really like her, she’s nice and not racist like he is, she is our chosen family. But she decided not to go because she didn’t want to be the reason Chris didn’t get to say goodbye to Mom. 

I called my dad yesterday to make sure he was going because even though he and I don’t get along, he and Mom were chill and he’s pretty heartbroken about it, but he told me he doesn’t think he should go because Chris threatened to beat his ass for whatever reason. So I had to tell him to forget about what Chris said, he’s just grieving because his mom died. I told him that he’s going to the funeral and he has no say in it, he’s not allowed to NOT go, and if he doesn’t go, I’ll never forgive him. 

I haven’t spoken to my other brother, Darrel, since the night she died. I doubt he’s coming, he lives in Michigan and has his own family that he needs to take care of. I kinda wish he would come but at the same time, I don’t really care if he comes or not. It’s just that his mom died and it sucks if he doesn’t. 

I feel like I should mention that technically my mom isn’t Chris/Darrel’s mom. My dad was married to their mom before meeting my mom. But their mom was apparently a horrible woman (Chris was a heroin-baby or something like that) and my mom raised them like her own. She always said that she had 5 kids when in reality after she and my dad divorced, she technically only had 3, but she treated Chris and Darrel like her sons still and loved them like her own. 

I haven’t cried about it in about 2 days which I’m proud of. Ed Sheeran apparently has a song about his mom and it came up on my Pandora while I was driving and it took all I could to not start sobbing, so instead, I just screamed. 

I know she’s watching me from heaven right now and I feel bad because I’m such a boring-ass person. 

I’ve been looking into therapy because I feel so guilty about the whole thing and it keeps fucking me up. I also can’t stand to be alone in my house because it’s old and from the 70′s and I keep hearing noises which are probably nothing but my brain keeps going to the worst, and it’s not that I’m afraid that whatever these noises are, are going to kill me, but I don’t like the thought of being tortured before death? idk it’s hard to explain. Like if someone said they’re gonna snap their fingers and I’d be dead, no pain or suffering, I’d be like, “Chill okay dude whatever.” but in reality, no matter how you die it’s probably going to hurt like a bitch (unless somehow your whole body, inside and out, is numb.) even for a split-second. Like I’m sure even getting your head cut off by a guillotine would hurt. You can’t talk or cry or anything because your airway was cut so your lungs aren’t working, but your brain wasn’t touched and your neurons are attached to the brain and everything so I can only imagine you still feel all the pain but have no way to express it. 

Also going back to that, I don’t think I’d be chill with dying now that I think of it, because I’m sure it’d hurt my friends and family. Like if any of my friends were to die rn it’d fuck me up big time, so I can only imagine it’d be the same the other way around. 

I’m not depressed, I know that much because although I think about death and dying, I know I’d never go through with it. I’m sad, and I miss my mom, and that just makes me think of morbid things I think. I’d still like to see a therapist, though, just to talk about all these feelings I have. 

School starts again next week, so I might go to our Student Health and Wellness Center and see how that works. 

[whatevenis2016-blog]

Please just kill me already.

Basically every aspect of my life sucks rn. Work is horrible and gets worse and worse everyday. I can't stand it and I just want someone to call me back so I can get out of this hell hole. It's so funny tho this one girl gets to work 45, 50, even an hour late every single day and my boss doesn't seem to care and I get to work everyday on time and then I change into my work cloths there and clock in like 3 minutes late. But do you know who she gives shit and bitched about behind her back to other employees? Me. Not her. She literally doesn't appreciate the fact that I basically run her store and shes never there. And she takes weekends off and gives the girl who's always late weekends off and this guy every Friday and Sunday off but won't give me or the other girl who actually do shit at work any weekend days off. Ever. I ask one weekend off a year, for my birthday. And she still Give Me Shit about how hard it is for her to make it work without me being there. Oh wow. Go fuck yourself. Like really. I don't care how hard it is for you, it's your business not mine. It's not my problem. Like if you can't make it work with the people you have, maybe you should fucking hire more people? And not just have like 6 employees.... And about a million other reasons why working there is complete ass. My mother hates me. And no I'm not exaggerating, not even a little bit. Here are some direct quotes from my mother, all completely unprovoked and completely out of the blue:: "you are a psychopath" "maybe I should keep calling your bitch of an employer" she's trying to get me fired bc I refused to see her on my birthday "you're off your meds, you aren't wearing your retainer, you dropped out of college. You're living in an unhealthy environment" my doctor took me off my meds bc I'm doing better, I stopped wearing my retainer bc it's been ever a year since I got my braces off, I'm taking ONE semester off bc my whole fucking life is imploding around me and an way too stressed out and overwhelmed to handle school on top of all my other problems. "Your father said he was going to kill me" complete lies bc she's mad my father got custody of me when I was a child. "maybe C***** didn't stab you in the back she just didn't like how he was treating you" and ex friend of mine treated me like shit and tried to break me and an ex up and then tore apart many other friendships bc she's an insecure person but she wants me to believe I was the problem not other people. "your dad doesn't want you to succeed" "it's time to grow up and stop blaming shit on me!!!!!!!" "You only text me when you're angry" " I tried so hard with you" "I wasted XXXX$ on your braces" she tried to take my father to Cort and force him to pay for braces but because she was thousands and thousands of dollars behind in child support they made her pay for them, not to mention doing things like that are what you're suppose to do as a parent not bc your child 'deserves it'. All those are just text messages she's sent me resently. I'm currently 21 and she still owns me like 33,000$++ in child support. She doesn't even work, she sponges off the government. The money she gets from the government every month is more that my father Earns every month. And my dad is able to out food on the table, buy clothing for me and then some but she's not even able to buy anything more than bread and ramen noodles bc she spends the rest of her money on drugs and alcohol and other stupid shit (like smart phones she doesn't know how to use and DS3Ds as soon as they are released and again doesn't know how to use. All for herself I might add). She has completely treated my like shit for my entire life. When I was younger I used to believe I deserved it bc I was just a shitty person but after seeing a good therapist, I know know she's mentally ill, refuses to get help and just projects all her issues and anger onto me. She tells me I'm the worst thing that has ever happened to her, that I'm mentally retarded and would never graduate high school (even though from 11th great until my junior year or college I got all As and Bs except 2 classes I really struggled in), she would tell me I don't deserve love and I would die alone. Day in and day out for absolutely no reason other than just wanting me to feel horrible. If I wouldn't do simple things like dishes or taking trash out she would threaten me never to take me to a doctor or dentist again (which incase you can't figure this out for yourself is sick and twisted) you should ground your kid of a weekend not refuse medical attention. She's woken me up in the middle of the night, knocking me out of bed and kicked me out with no explanation. Once I was out with a friend and came home probably around 11pm and she had locked me out of our appartment and wouldn't let me back in and I had called my dad but he was asleep so he didn't answer, so I just waited outside in the hallway until the next morning and rode the bus to school. One of the first therapists I had told her she can't keep treating me the way she does (keep in mind my mother would sit in on my appointments and do most of the talking herself so it wasn't even just me spouting out a bunch of shit, it was just from the words spoken from my mother). On the way home she told me how horrible I am, how I was the worst thing that has ever happened to her, that I deserved all the bad thing possible to happen to me. There have been times when she was mad at one of my brother's (she has 2 other sons, my 2 half brother's) and she would take her anger out on me (bc they didn't live with us) she would tell me it was my responsibility to step up and take her shit, that's what it meant to be 'part of a family' what it meant to be 'an adult'. Does that make sense to you? If you're mad at someone but they aren't there...That you would yell and a completely unrelated person simply bc you were mad...? Bc that's what it meant to be a family...? No. It doesn't make sense. I've literally seen my mother do something and then turn around a yell at my brother like he did it. She's so fucked up, she just can't stand it when there isn't drama. The last time l lived with her was my senior year of high schoool, in the middle of the night she tricked me into coming downstairs telling me she was hurt and needed help. When really she was shitfaced drunk, she told me how sick of me she was, how she couldn't stand me, how she didn't want to take care of me anymore. She had a hand full of several bills all in my name, all way past due, that she didn't pay or give to me, that were ruining my credit bc they were unpayed. Just to fuck me over. And then kicked me out. It was like 1 in the morning. And after I left, within the next week she was pissed as all hell that I refused to come back. She had kicked me out several times in the past and I was forced to go back bc I was under 18 but this time there was absolutely no reason for me to go back. She wouldn't stop harassing me she called and left so many messages in 2 weeks it filled my entire voicemail. I didn't even know that was possible. But it is. They were all telling me I was a shitty person. I had to get a whole new phone number bc of her. What a great mother right? And she literally cannot wrap her hear around why I want nothing to do with her. And on top of all of her shit my brother's are so brain washed they believe it's okay for her to act the way she does and are MAD AT ME for not wanting to interact with her. They literally try to make me feel guilty for not wanting to see or talk to her. Like the way she acts in in no way, shape or form okay for a parent to act. And the fact they think I should PUT UP WITH IT is fucking ridiculous. I have literally told my one brother story's of what she has does and all he says is "you should really call and talk to mom". Like wow, I can fell the love. I can tell my mental health is important to you. And currently I have been having some serious issues with my insurance. I need to be enrolled in school to get my insurance benefits and I guess this year my shit got messed up and they never received my enrollment info. So for like the last 3 months I've been trying to get it straitened out with problem after problem after problem. And several hours sitting on call waiting with my insurance. Currently I'm emailing someone from college trying to get enrollment verification forms. So I emailed the lady saying I needed help for the fall semester of 2016 and explained my whole problem to her. The spring of 2017 I'm taking off bc of personal problems and she already knew that bc I've already talked to her about it. All she replies with "you're not currently enrolled". I was so pissed and crushed. She clearly didn't even read my email. I have dealt with her before and I have friends that have dealt with her, and she has never been anything but a cunt. And I don't genuinely say cunt as a insult but she's a cunt. Like what even is her job but to help students?? She has either not helped me or given me so much shit in the process. If you fucking hate your job so much that you treat your students like shit, you should get a new job. Like are you serious, I am thousands of dollars in debt to my insurance that I don't owe bc my shit fell through for a stupid reason. And it's affecting my credit score bc I don't want to just pay for it and potentially not get replayed.... And a couple months ago my father had surgery for cancer and isn't working. So with my shit job where I don't even make the minimum wage, I'm trying to support us. And right after he had his surgery and I accidently broke my finger. All in the finals week of school. So I was trying to finish final projects, study for finals, being torn apart hoping my father would be okay, wanting to go out of town to visit him in the hospital and then not being able to bc I broke my finger, and missing several days of school and having to make up finals. All while having my work issues too and being expected to work way more hours than I could physically and mentally handle but doing it anyway. Just being torn apart in every direction possible and having no one care... And since my father's surgery I've had to drive him 2 hours our of town for check ups since his surgery and when I ask those day off from work my boss has the audacity to give me shit about needing those days off even though she knows full well why I was asking them off. I literally hate my life and wish I was dead. Like all of my problems are bc of other people, things that are completely out of my control. Like I try so hard to fix shit and nothing gets better. My entire life I've tried to bend over backwards trying to make my mother love me but she just hates me more and more everyday. No matter what I do or say my boss never takes me seriously or respects or appreciated a single thing I do. No matter who I talk to or what I send nothing changes with my insurance. Can someone just kill me.....

[booksbroadwaybbc]

Don't know what to do with myself. via /r/selfimprovement

Don't know what to do with myself.

Hi. I'm 21 and still in community college, but I did get my provisional admission to this university I wanted to transfer to. I work as a runner at Din Tai Fung and I'm supposed to make bank, but I don't really know yet because I'm a new employee. Headtitle question at the bottom

I think I've lived an okay-ish life, kind of. story time, skip to the end if you dont wanna read it I come from a Korean family, can't say I remember much of my childhood except mostly being beaten and yelled at. There were good times too, but they usually ended prettily shittily. Moved around a bunch, went to a lot of schools. I've dealt with a lot of abusive stuff from both parents, but I'm not going to talk about my mom because things have gotten better and she's still here for me(?). For some extreme stuff- my dad broke my brothers toes in elementary school. In my senior year, he threatened me at knifepoint and forced it into my hands and told me to stab my brother or he would stab me. Beatings from him were pretty bad, and it's not just belts and sticks bad. I played co-ed baseball in 5th grade, so bam, there was that too. He liked to throw chairs and literally flip tables when he was angry (hes a private construction worker, so he's pretty strong). Broke a lot of his phones throwing them at us, the wall, the floor, whatever. Ive had a lot of problems with my social affairs in highschool- anxiety, being cold, being short tempered, aggressive, violent, sharp tongued. I started warming up in senior year because of this girl I dated, which was a pretty big deal because gays are not allowed in this household. And well, im bi but its the same thing to them. Can't say that went too well, because my brother found out and blackmailed me in the situation we were living in. But who cares, because siblings hate each other right? Anyways, broke up with her, broke her heart, treated her poorly and whatever two years later we made up and was able to be friends again. Back to dad- he was usually never around for things like elementary grad, middle school grad, and highschool- my mom made him come, but he sure didn't seem happy about it. In highschool, he only laid down on his phone playi ng his shitty phone games. Doesnt talk to me, doesnt talk to my brother, doesnt talk to my mom. His routine: wake up, go to work, come home, phone games, eat, phone games, sleep. If you try to talk to him, he ignores you. If you press it, he'll give you some boring answer like "go away already".

Anywho, that abusive fuck was caught cheating. Had an affair with a client's sister. Sold the house we lived in, mom moved to Newark, him to San Leandro. Mom didnt want to deal with me, so I got the boot and lived wjth acquaintances in Hayward. Couldnt afford it, so mom told me to move to San Leandro with him. I moved in with my best friend helping me and we saw the evidence. Bambam, hello lady clothing and shit. I went apeshit nuts and he tried to convince me, then threatened that I would be in big trouble if i said anything. (Parents were separated but not divorced). Alright, ill keep my big mouth shut.

I worked for his "girlfriend" at her cafe in Berkeley. Why? Well, it was easy money and i needed it to keep up with my shitty coping habits- partying and party favors, mostly e. You dont have to deal with stress if youre always out partying.

Anywho, fast forward, skip a lot of details. Mom gets a phone call one day from mutual acquaintance saying dad is sick and asks her to bring him some food. Alright. So she does because she still cares, and finds out the truth. Calls me and demands me to come right now and unlock the door- note that this is a 40 minute drive. By the time i get there, theres hella police and a window is broken and theres hella shit going on. Things settled down but being my immature ass i scream at my parents for both being immature, and they shouldve just cut things clean. I yell at my dad for being a fuckhead and cheating, you didnt raise a liar but you are one. I yell at my mom for being irresponsible and breaking things. Police grabs my shoulder but i swipe it off and bam. Im on the floor, face into concrete, chipped teeth and i cant even see where my dog is. Tbh i was more worried that he ran off because he was still a puppy and i was holding him during this whole ordeal. My glasses got knocked off my face when those two officers fucking bodyslammed me into the ground. I'm 5ft4, i weighed like 130 at this time but im just a legit smol asian girl.

What happened next? Well yknow, i got arrested and sent to jail for assaulting a police officer, nbd. Sat there for a few hours, listening to some psycho making weird noises. Finally get some call saying that my mom was waiting for me, and she bailed me out. She was crying a lot and told me that my dad didnt even bat an eye as they took me away, that he smiled and tried to fix his goddamn broken window. I believe it too, because I saw that shitty smirk on his face when i got to the scene. My mom has a bit of an uncontrollable temper so she looks psycho when the other person was the wack one. This was in January 2017.

Skip forward to the next police thing. June 2017. My mom demands that i pack all my shit and move back, and she wants to go with me. I plead no, but what am i gonna do against her? Alright, we drive and she starts saying stuff about lying and calls the bitch a slut and homewrecker and stuff, dad gets up to stand inbetween and stuff. Tells her to move than basically shoves her across the living room towards the door. **insert hysteria and bam again, screaming and each other, his hands on her, me trying to squeeze my body in between them and get his hands off of her. Doesnt really work cos he turns on me, hits me away and goes back to beat her. My screaming doesnt really help either, but i try what I can to claw his arms off of her. Nooooo, bad idea, but better me than her. He grabs me and my head is locked into his elbow so I bite down, arm. Baaaad idea again, but its in self defense imo. Im just trying to help my mom. He p much beats me up into a pulp her, grabs my shirt all the way up and yikes thats embarassing. The struggle goes on and eventually its calm again because slutface is like "honey staph"- note: only words and no actions to get close, buuuut, it works. Me and mom move to my room and start removing all my weebshit from the walls. Mom is muttering and saying a bunch of bs for him to hear and he storms into the room because hes fucking triggered and start the violence again. Oh but this is where i do the fun thing- i lunge myself at him so im like on top of him but holy shit, he legit pulls me off of him and throws me against the wall cabinets, and two hand chokes me, with his knees on my chest. Mom starts screaming at him, claws his face and soon the police are here and shit. Bitch called the police, and this is where it gets more fucked up. I legally live here, its on my license. I came back to move out, so its okay for me to be here, because i came to pack my stuff and take whats mine. So why exactly did the police not believe me? Why did my mom get arrested for putting dumb scratches on his face when he beat us, with pictures - that day- to prove that he inflicted more wounds on us. We were just defending ourselves. He put his hands on us first. Anyways, that starts my worries cos im like. Im 20, but idk what to do. How do i find money to bail my mom out? How do i even do that in the first place? But i managed.

Anywho skip forward, jackass is no longer in my life, tho i have to deal with him through my brother from time to time. Parents officially divorced Feb 2018. I've lived with my mom, she bought a cafeteria for a little bit so I worked there. Things were really hard because my mom had a lot of pent up anger that she would take out on me. My brother moved out because he went to university so he didnt really have to deal with much. Im also the older child, so bam. Anyways, we fought a lot. A LOT LOT. Like apeshit crazylot. I took a lot of beatings. It was like the weekend before Christmas of 2017 where a took a huge beating and ran away from my problems by going to my now-ex's house. He offered me to move in with him and his family, so I did. I had the choice of going back to my moms lifestyle and attempt to make up, or trying to live a different life. I lived with him from like Christmas to March 2018. We started having a lot of problems because he regret inviting me, he wasnt ready to give up his personal space and I was done babysitting someone who was older than me. Doing his laundry, doing his dishes, cleaning his room. I was done with being bored, never going out, being ignored while he did the same thing my dad did. Sit on his phone and not speak a word. Yeah, there were good times too, but they seem so fleeting when it seeps in with your own personal trauma of being ignored. Btw- when i moved to his place, my brother moved back home to fill the gap, but my brother is better with dealing with my mom and she doesnt blow up at him.

After I moved back, it was better. Yeah, shit went down sometimes but i guess overall it was better? My mom cried a lot. I would hear her talk on the phone with her family members in Korea and cry about how she was tired of everything and didn't want to do it anymore. I know exactly how that feels. Well, in the later months of 2018, we got along better and havent really had those blowups. I tried my best to stay home more instead of going out at night because she hated it. I tried to be nicer to her and more compromising. She's in Korea rn and things suck. During the whole parents thing, it sucks to feel like your parents are passing you to each other likea toy they dont want. It sucks to not really feel familial love growing up, where mom is just doing things because shes supposed to and dad just flat out pretends you dont exist. It sucks that it takes two years of partying, drugs and cons to find out

Submitted October 31, 2018 at 10:33AM by xfirelily via reddit https://ift.tt/2CRsVBn

[southernmommyrn-blog]

Beginnings

With wine in hand and Soundgarden playing in the background, I ponder the existence of this new Mommy, RN that has been created in absence of the Heather Ashley Dunnam from the early 2000s. I have been blessed with a fantastic family. I have felt very little absence of love in my lifetime and the obstacles I have overcome as a young woman seem trivial as a more matured adult. Before the decision of dedicating my career in the service of others, I was a child watching my parents go through a nasty divorce. One of my earliest memories was watching Micky Mouse with my older brother in a very 80s chic house and my dad walking up to us to kiss us good bye signaling the end of what I can only imagine a stressful marriage for both of my parents. Everything else is a haze of disappointment like waiting on my dad to come pick me up at the door only to be left in tears (which began the mommy-daughter nail salon dates). James, my brother, and I soon found ourselves in the beautiful state of South Carolina as Mom was pursuing a career as a CRNA. This path eventually lead out family to North Dakota. I was never a fantastic student. ADD seemed to be suspected. My speech was sub-par and my listening skills were garbage. Luckily, my mother believed in being educated and being self-sufficient with her southern work ethic and whatnot, so she pushed to have me tested for a learning disability. By God’s good graces, the person testing my hearing was doing a thesis on Central Auditory Processing Disorder and picked up on all the cues. Specific words would slip my mind, but I could describe the words in detail. Mom described having a conversation with me as “exhausting” at times. I soon found myself in speech therapy and in a music class playing violin to help differentiate between foreground and background noise. All the while, my mom was working 2 jobs and going to anesthesia school. Summers were spent in Mississippi with my dad and the rest of the Dunnams. Wonderful times. As my brother put it last year, kids are the most adaptable creatures God made. We pressured Mom to move back to Mississippi to be close to family. This brought new challenges. Family life brought its own drama. School was pathetic compared to what we had up North. My brother has always been gifted and breezed through classes. With Mom as a tutor, I excelled. No orchestral program in Mississippi. I soon found myself wielding a saxophone marching with the other band geeks and loving it. Did I want to be a nurse? NOPE! Around this time, my sweet sister came into the picture along with a lot of new adjustments as kids normally do with the get a new sibling around the age of 11. Eventually, I graduated with plans of becoming a college band director and being a concert saxophonist specializing in jazz and classical French music like Claude Debussy. I received scholarships to go through music programs and wow’ed everyone who heard me play. As I was considered special needs under a 504 plan with about a 50% hearing loss, not bad, right? I had a lot of support through this from my mom, dad, step-mom, and best friend, Amy. Not a solo project. One day, I’m driving home from college and I get what I’ll refer to as a spiritual bitch slap. I have this soul crushing revelation that I don’t want to entertain people. I want to save people. Heather Dunnam, RN has a nice ring to it. I apply for nursing school and I find myself in nursing school with my best friend, Amy. I soon graduate and find myself with my first nursing job an hour from home. This is fantastic. Dream come true, right!? NCLEX passed with the least amount of questions and top tier questions. Always 90 something percentile with test questions. I got this shit. I’m going to make being a nurse my metaphorical bitch! Once again, nope! I soon find myself wondering wtf I’m doing. My preceptor doesn’t like me. I’m nice. Who doesn’t like me??? This woman, that’s who. What the hell is coming out of my patient. Why are you literally turning blue? You want me to take care of how many patients?? Each day presented a new challenge that I managed to push through. Several days, I left crying. I still remember the face of my first patient who passed away after I gave him TLC for 6 days straight. I remember the face the patient gave me who threw my fat ass 10 feet like I was a rag doll. I remember the joy I felt when I left that floor to work women’s, postpartum and antepartum. I remember the scream the woman let out with her 7th miscarriage as she delivered her beautiful babies with no breath or noise. I remember the silent sobs after bringing a new Mom her beautiful child motionless and cold after resting in lab before going to her final resting place. I’ve held the hand of a patient as the left to be with our Lord as they had no one to share that final moment with. I’ve eased that transition for the patient and their family. I’ve given the utmost care to the emptiest body so the children were able to see a resting face when they said goodbye. I’ve kept people from dying. I’ve been a travel nurse. I’ve adapted to the most strained staffing situations while carrying the most precious thing in my womb. My child was being built inside me while I delivered a healing touch to my patients during their time of need. As I have created a human in my body, I developed a whole new respect for people. You aren’t my mom and dad. You’re my son looking to me when he’s an older man for my love and care and that’s what I’ll give you. You are my patient and I’ll treat you with the tenderness I felt when I held my perfect son on my arms because you’re someone’s world just as he is mine. I’ve ventured in a whole new field of nursing and enjoying the procedure side of nursing. I’m learning a new respect for myself as a professional and watching my precious son grow leaps and bounds every day all the while trying to keep the love and support while my patients are at their weakest and most vulnerable. I say this to the new nurse. It’s so hard. You will hate yourself. You will despise the world, but don’t let your heart harden. This is labor of love. Connect with your patients. Cry with them. Pray with them. Love them like your own. Don’t ashamed of what you don’t know. Strive to know more and do more for those under your care. Be an advocate. Be a mommy. Be a Nurse❤️