#i can handle blood and gore body horror and even depression and trauma

[theongp]

Little prompt for Corintheus fics

After spending too much times looking at Boyd Holbrook's pictures/gifs, I just realized his hair looks soooo soft (even it's messy all the time lol). And that awaken something in me, made me want to touch his hair so bad.

I can't write shit so the prompt will be very short:

Corinthian getting horny just by Morpheus patting his hair.

I think this idea will be a nice fit for touch starved trope. And also, I said before that I need more fluff but if you don't want to write it, just...no more one side attraction/unrequited love, hurt/no comfort, major characters death pls (if you tend to post on AO3), my heart for Corintheus can't stand these tropes anymore *sob*

[lizmindpalace]

Blood and Crime

Summary: A new and unusual murderer will make Sherlock change in ways he would have never expected.

Warnings: In this work there will be eventual explicit content, graphic depictions of violence, there may be a lot of triggers such as anxiety, depression, paranoid, mental illness, murder, suicidal tendencies, horror, very toxic relationships, manipulation, sexual innuendoes, gore, lots of blood, nightmares, fantasy and vampires.

You can find it also on AO3.

Chapter 4- Nightmare

"John, John" Sherlock's voice was back to normal after those days at home regarding volume and what could have been described as health, but now it sounded deeper than ever before. "Wake up,  John". 

It took some effort to John in order to finally open his eyes, that actually closed again due to the brightness provided by the drawn curtains, courtesy of his flatmate. 

"What's going on?" John achieved to sit up on his bed, looking with uneasiness at Sherlock, who was staring at him in the same way. 

"You were having a nightmare. The breakfast is getting cold". Sherlock responded quickly, leaving the doctor alone and perturbed, so he could get dressed and make his way to the table when he was ready.

 John was lost in thought the whole day, deeming the horror produced by the nightmare he had had earlier and its effects, since if Sherlock had forced himself to waking him up, it must have been something beyond what he was capable of handle. He had had an array of traumas due to everything he had to face back in Afghanistan, but he had gotten over them and he had not felt fear because of a nightmare ever since, not even when Mary appeared in them. Still, he had a bizarre feeling, as if venomous animals were running through his body and slipping in his eyes, crawling upside down, he was exhausted. 

"John?" It was the third time Sherlock called him, and finally was able to draw his attention handing him his phone. "It's Molly". 

"Of course!" He took the call, locking himself in his bedroom so Sherlock would not hear his conversation. "I know I said I would pick her up tomorrow but... are you sure you don't have any problem? Thank you, Molly. I just need a couple of days, I promise. He's doing fine, but he's still a bit weak, I have to look after him". 

That way it was arranged the little Rosie Watson would stay at Molly's until uncle Sherlock recovered completely or enough to have a child at home. Besides, John didn't feel so well in order to be the responsible father he had to be. 

A week later, John Watson still felt off-colour, and unwell enough to be a father or even to be a human being. He blamed the excessive amount of time that he spent with Sherlock,  because he hadn't been able to attend to any public event or crowded place, and in consequence, the nightmares became more frequent, there was no night when the gloomy silhouette didn't walk towards him, bend over, and muttered some unintelligible words at him, the kind of words that made him sick and at the same time he would find hard to reject if he was conscious. Said nightmare made him feel spent, he felt so weakened that it would take him longer and longer to leave the bed. Except for that night, that night he felt a bit better than the previous nights, he thought it had been a good idea to chatter to Sherlock and taking the pill he had suggested. 

"I'm going out today" he announced the next morning and even though there were wide dark rings under his eyes, he felt a bit better and reckoned the scant London sun would do some good to him. 

The detective, who was curled up on the couch in the dusk, even taking into account the hour, nodded, giving no importance to the words of the doctor. He went back to his bedroom, his vitality seemed to be back and John Watson was pleased because of it. 

John Watson's adventure for the day was about going to the supermarket and retrieving the supplies his flatmate and himself had used up in the two weeks long holidays they had had stuck at home, he knew he had to be the one responsible for getting them, because, otherwise, Sherlock would allow them to starve to death. In his way back home, John got a newspaper with something he thought might draw the interest of his friend. 

"He's back, Sherlock".

The man looked at him uninterested and shrugged.

"You knew it already?"

"Didn't you?"

John kept silent, weighing up that brief and sharp answer.

"What are you going to do?" Watson had left the supplies over the table and was now back analysing the note on the newspaper. "Must be at Bart's. Same signs, invisible, but it is known it was murder. You haven't told me yet what happened that day, Sherlock".

"I think it's better if you don't know, John. You've been so sensitive lately, I would not be able to sleep if I knew I was the one causing you mental damage". Sherlock's tone was sharper than normal and John did not know how to reply. 

"Are you going to abandon the case?" John asked with disbelief drawn on his face since he knew Sherlock didn't enjoy giving in, even if he knew his decision was reasonable due to the fact the danger was imminent and unknown, the first try had been a failure and maybe a second one would actually get him killed. 

"Something like that" Sherlock snorted. "I doubt these attacks happen very often, anyways".

"How do you know?"

"I know it, I know how it works".

And with those words, he left his seat and went back to the place he had come from with that appearance of an enigmatic god who knows everything that happens around and is above everyone else. John felt hatred towards his attitude, the one where he was left with questions, however, he understood perhaps Sherlock was working with his superior mental processes that always made John look like a fool so he allowed him to go, to think. 

John had spent the rest of the afternoon cleaning and ordering the refrigerator while the storm lashed the city once more, he was interrupted by Sherlock, who was putting his coat on with the intention of going out, even considering it was around 10 pm and the downpour outside. 

"Go back to bed, Sherlock". John insisted after giving him a significative glance.

"I have something to do, John, I'll be fine, I'm not ill, either mentally or physically".

John sighed, tired and stepped back of Sherlock's way when the aforementioned, looked at him in certain way he had never perceived before, that made him slightly quake with fear, he thought that if he kept bothering the detective, his placid manners would change and his life would be at risk, he didn't know what it was, it was perhaps that drop of red, stumping with the blue in his eyes, that gave him an aspect ranging from insanity to evil. The detective wrapped his scarf around his neck and left, violently closing the doors of the flat. 

Previous Chapter.

Next Chapter.

You can read the finished work in Spanish on Wattpad.

[revenant-dumpster-fire]

Selfish (Revenant x Reader)

[Click here to go to this chapter on AO3]

Theme: Revenant puts people in graves, not tears them from the arms of Death. Yet, here he is. But he doesn't have to. He can make it painless. Make it certain. Make it easier. It's what he heard you say before.

Warnings: Pain, bodily trauma, body horror, medical trauma, sharp objects, blood, graphic descriptions of gore, mean simulacrum energy, desperation, intrusive thoughts, suicidal ideations, depression, bipolar.

Reader's Notes: Lore expansion for my main Revenant (Apex Legends) fanfiction (Leaves One Cold), this should be read after the first book (Just a Volunteer). Some amount of fluff here, but in a traumatized format. Treat it as world-building and a character piece, for those who enjoy the main storyline and want more context on things to come.

Writing Notes: What's going on in those neural processors? Do you have race conditions in your threading? Which threads take priority? Do you get to choose? Or are you a ticking timebomb? How many deaths have happened at the behest of mere code and the bugs within? Is hardware capable of selfishness, or is it purely a human trait? Truth be told, I know the answers already.

Fuck me this was the most fun chapter to write and no matter how many times I read it, I'm just as pleased by it. It's so fucked up and perfect.

Navigation:

First File | Previous File | Next File

"Just A Volunteer" (Book 1) | "The Lost Files" (Book 1.5)

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The hospital doors are automatic. They slide open quickly, allowing emergency patients to be wheeled into the ER from the ambulances. Today, they weren't fast enough.

Revenant shoves through the doors at full sprinting speed, holding a small female corpse to his chestplate in a defensive stance. He is in one of his least favorite chassis--a knight in full armor, running scripts on its hardware that both prevent him from needless cruelty and make him want to protect the innocent. It's unlike him, and he isn't fond of being overwritten by a hardcoded and idiotic stereotype.

He's covered from helmet to sabatons in dried blood, and still dripping fresh blood all over the floor that leaks from the body in his arms. He has a sheathed sword at his side, the revealed hilt and handle slathered in copious amounts of caked blood. His gauntlets are stained red from mercilessly eviscerating multiple victims, but they're now pressed lightly into the small woman's frame to hold her to his chest. His arms shake as his shoulders spark and frazzle, his whole upper body filled with bullet holes. His skeletal mask is shattered on one side, a bullet clearly having grazed his cheekbone just closely enough to leave long cracks. His bright green LEDs are focused on the intake desk as he runs up, leaving a trail of blood behind him.

The intake nurses jump to their feet, completely unsure of what they're witnessing or what to do.

"Godspeed you bastards! She's dying!" Revenant screeches audibly, fighting back against an underlying sound of static.

The nurses immediately press buttons at the desk, calling in emergency personnel to the floor immediately. Shocked onlookers in the lobby stay perfectly silent, both in confusion and concern for the situation.

"It's taking too long, where do I take her?!" He's screaming and pitching his vocals in desperation, even though it's barely been a few seconds.

"Sir, please calm--"

He ignores the nurse and uses a near-flying kick to smash through the security doors into the main hospital area, running deeper into the hospital, but stopping soon after he realizes he has no place to take her. He doesn't know who to look for, what room to go to, or what on earth to even do at this point. His eyes skitter around at the rooms, desks, nurses, computers, and medicine carts desperately, no answers coming to him.

"Sir, come with me." A very bold nurse calmly calls to him from afar, motioning for him to meet her deeper down the hallway. Normally Revenant would kill anyone who tries to tell him what to do, but this chassis wants to thank her. It's detestable.

He sprints in her direction, catching up with her quickly as the nurse turns and takes him down a winding set of hallways, opening a door to a room with a gurney and a large counter full of medical tools.

"Thank you." Revenant gasps through the sound of his chassis slowly degrading around him, carefully placing the barely-alive body on the bed, blood immediately soaking into the sheets.

"She's in bad shape. What happened?" The nurse asks quickly as she prepares an IV.

"She was shot multiple times with a burst shot weapon. I have reason to suspect she's been drugged too." Revenant tries to calmly say as his vocalizer fights to stay functional.

"Use those metal blade-hands of yours to get her clothes off while I get this IV started. We don't have time to spare." She demands, pulling the safety cap off the IV needle. Revenant stares at her with a suspicious glare. She takes a moment to meet his gaze. "I worked for Hammond so I could afford to finish nursing school. I know who you are, Revenant."

His chassis shows no emotion, but internally he can feel his rage boiling over. Another name for the list, although he doesn't know her name. Either way--

"Kill me later, asshole. You want this girl to live, don't you?" She snaps him out of his trance as she slips the needle in the cold, dying hand.

He snaps his arm into a blade and cuts the clothing away, careful to avert his vision from anything his unique hardware considers "lewd". The blood-soaked clothing peels away almost like flesh does. The wounds are gaping, and there's so much blood it's hard to see where the living flesh ends and the shredded sinew begins. The skin is turning pale and cold. There isn't much time left.

"Lift her, I'll pull the clothing bits out from under her. We need her ready for anything as quickly as possible. Surgeon is on his way, as is an anesthesiologist." The nurse is really getting on his nerves, but this chassis listens and follows the orders without even a scoff. She pulls the bloody tatters away, throwing them in a biohazard bin.

She carefully lays out the limbs and grabs vital monitors, hooking them up as quickly as possible. The heartbeat sensor is so slow. Revenant hates that damned beeping. Skinsuits are supposed to be much quieter. When they die, it's meant to be an intimate experience as their heartbeat slows to a stop. Sometimes he gets to feel the slow descent and watch the life drain from their eyes as they fall into a final peace he only wishes he could experience. The beeping absolutely violates the sanctity of death's quiet embrace, but even worse is that he wants this one to live.

The nurse puts an oxygen mask over her face as the surgeon bursts in with an anesthesiologist. The surgeon is stunned for a moment at Revenant's presence.

"Sir, if you could wait outside in the--"

"He should stay, trust me on this one doctor." The nurse chimes in before Revenant's violent protesting begins. The doctor shrugs at Revenant and accepts her nurse's insistence on the matter. Revenant begrudgingly steps back from the body, making room for those whose job it is to ruin work like his. He isn't sure if he should feel any hope in this situation, or accept the grief-stricken freedom of losing one of the only creatures he had become fond of since his awakening.

The anesthesiologist is already doing math on a tablet to calculate possible sedatives as the nurse whispers something in his ear about drugs already in the system. He openly sighs and begins his math over again, clearly needing to be very wary to not make a bad situation worse.

Revenant watches as the first sedative enters the IV through an injection. The body doesn't change much, as death's relaxing grip has long since taken hold. The only thing to fear now is rigor mortis, which would tense the body up as it cools too much. As Revenant sees the surgeon throw a paper over the body and begin extracting the first bullet, he staggers backwards against a wall, slowly slouching until he's sitting on the ground, struggling to fight off the degradation in his chassis' condition. He starts to huff heavily as his synthetic body attempts to cool itself down from the stressful code building up heat in his chest. It hurts far too much for a simulacrum, which should never be capable of the unmistakable chest pain of despair and a broken heart. The bastards at Hammond Robotics made sure they coded every possible pain into him; he has been given no mercy.

More nurses flood in quickly, suiting up and supporting the surgeon in any way possible.

• • • •

It's been over two hours now. The beeping hasn't stopped, but it struggles and stutters here and again. Revenant is slouched in the corner, his body unable to hold itself in a standing position any longer. He fights to keep his LEDs fixated on the surgeon and her work, even though they fade and snap back to life against his will. The pistons that support his waist have clearly failed now, as he cannot even lean forward without collapsing into a heap. The surgeon curses aloud regularly, making Revenant fear that death has decided what it wishes to do, but the beeping doesn't stop. It keeps hanging on by a thread.

"Fucking dammit, we don't exactly have spares lying around. Can we get Hammond to quote us for a kidney and liver? And fast?" The surgeon finally looks up, speaking aloud as one of the nurses begins dialing on a phone.

Revenant breaks away from death's gentle grip on him at those words. He tries to speak, but his vocalizer simply blurts static. The whole room notices his protest, but can't make out any words to understand. The ex-Hammond nurse breaks away from the crowd and walks up to him, kneeling down to meet his gaze. He's helpless to tell her what he means to say.

"I know." She says quietly to him as the others behind her begin to speak to each other again. "I also know you're in one of the only suits ever produced to have the prototypes of the original Hammond line of synthetic organs in it. All of what we need. None of their usual spyware bullshit in it. They left all that in your head on this chassis."

Revenant narrows his eyes for a moment in suspicious disbelief.

"I worked on it, a little. This was meant to be your most human suit, surely you noticed?" She sighs a bit, knowing she's signing her own death warrant. "I worked on the original organs. They weren't code. They were proper. They're better than anything. We wanted to know if they could fool you. So we put them in you. You never performed so well, so humanely, or with so much attention to who you were killing. You probably don't remember at all, but this suit managed to save hostages at one point. I thought I was on the right path then, until I found out you weren't really just an AI at all." She sighs again. "I wanted to help and save people, not keep a slave in a delusion of freedom. So I got the money for the rest of my schooling and then immediately quit after."

Revenant takes a moment to process her words and save the data. She is partially at fault that this damn suit even exists. At the same time, this chassis is about to be the final gambit in his fight to keep death's claws off of the little one. He saves the thought, ponders it, ensuring he will remember it when he returns.

He plunges his arm into his metal chest, cutting a jagged hole down the decorative center. He summons the last of his strength to tear it open, revealing a compact array of human-like organs nestled between wires and boards. The pain is excruciating. The nurse doesn't wait for his permission, she reaches into him and carefully disconnects some pin connectors from him, gently removing spongey, silicone organs with disconnected tubes running throughout for a real human's blood supply.

He feels every single non-existent nerve screaming in pain. It hurts Revenant badly enough that he attempts to moan, coming out as nothing but deeply stressed static. The nurse looks him in the eyes as he meets hers. His malice feels misplaced now. He has one final thought as he reaches into his chest, unhinging his synthetic lungs from their mount, and cutting the rubber windpipe to set it free. He hands it to her in his final moments before death takes him. Her look of confusion, then understanding, is the last thing he sees. He is gone.

• • • •

It feels like a cold ocean for a few moments, the sound of heavy breathing echoing in the infinite void. It's a bit like being suspended underwater: completely weightless with little sense of up from down. Revenant looks at his hands, disgruntled as he sees the same gauntlets as the ones he died in. Many years ago he used to see human hands, but as he's given up his grasp on his old self and embraced his new body, he has slowly come to expect the red palms with the Hammond Robotics logo and fingers as sharp as talons. So why were the gauntlets still here? Did he really empathize that much with the scripts that forced him to stand down and protect?

It's generally only a few minutes that he spends in this limbo before something strange happens. Sometimes he sinks into an open chasm where lava and hellfire are. Other times he drifts onto a shore with some type of foreign landscape. Other times he hears a voice talking to him, not making much sense. Sometimes it's his own voice. Yet other times he will see otherworldly beings that speak an unknowable language to him as they reach for him. Sometimes he sees his victims begging for their lives in a huddled group like they were being assassinated all over again. Often, he relives many if not all of his previous deaths he suffered while a simulacrum--pain and all. He has to experience a few moments of whatever it is before he will wake up in the closest default body available. He left one in the warehouse out in the Dust, so he shouldn't have to run far.

Suddenly Revenant finds himself ethereal, floating over a replay of the moments leading up to his attempt to rescue the hapless little skinsuit. Only, he doesn't show up this time. Revenant averts his gaze as the alternative timeline plays out long enough for him to feel the wrath of hell itself boil in whatever kind of soul he is, then he suddenly finds himself in the warehouse, slowly acclimating himself to familiar limbs and sensations.

If he hadn't shown up, is that actually what would have happened?

He stands there idle for a few moments before a large prowler gets up from a dark corner of the massive room and rubs against his leg. Six seems to sense his discomfort and sorrow, attempting to calm down the spirit trapped in a mechanical imprisonment that helped raise and care for him as a young whelp. As Revenant remains motionless, processing something, Six becomes more desperate, gently teething at his hands and licking his palms.

Finally, Six becomes too fed up with Revenant's despaired inaction, carefully jumping up to push him down with his front paws. Revenant concedes, buckling and crashing onto the ground loudly, much less graceful than Six expected or intended. Six runs over to his face, licking it mercilessly and peeling his headscarf away from his forehead in the process. His LEDs are off, meaning he's in reboot. Six notices, intentionally perching his hulking mass on Revenant's chest and pinning him down, waiting patiently for his return.

Revenant hums back to life and immediately begins scrambling to try to get up, stopped by the massive and heavy prowler on his chest. He's making a strange noise as his vocalizer slowly snaps back into working order.

"Where is she?! What happened?" He notices he's pinned. "Six?!"

Six leans his head down and licks Revenant's face as his memory banks catch him up on his current situation. His eyes go from alarmed to calmer, although still bright and ready to move. Finally, Revenant's hand makes its way up to Six's snout, rubbing it until he begins purring at a low grumble.

Six gets off of Revenant and lets him stand up. He makes a yowling-like noise at Revenant, as if to speak to him. Revenant leans down for a moment to scratch him behind his furls.

"I'll be back soon. I might need you to guard that one scaredy cat for me, assuming she's..." He trails off for a moment, unwilling to finish his sentence. "Remember her?"

Six boofs in response.

Revenant stands back up and begins sprinting back towards the hospital. It will take a long time to get there, but he has to. He can't leave his empty chassis there, and he needs to ensure the surgeons don't try to put regular Hammond organs in her. His yellow LEDs are able to see clearly in the dark, but his legs can only move so fast. The city is a notable drive, let alone a sprint.

Revenant feels his legs buckle from underneath him as Six barrels into him. He barely manages to hold on to Six, whose stride and speed is that of an apex predator. Revenant's legs drag for a moment as he pulls his frame onto Six, trying to find a way to minimize contact with the dusty ground.

Revenant grapples around the prowler's muscular neck, letting the rest of his body try to curl and hold to Six's back while moving at full speed. Six barks in approval as Revenant manages to find a decent perch on him.

"You'll always be one of my favorites, Six." Revenant shouts over the passing wind.

Six speeds up, almost as if he understands and is fueled by the praise.

• • • •

Revenant sprints to the back entrance of the Central Hospital, making record time thanks to his ride, who gives a short howl as he turns and sprints back towards The Dust. If it were any earlier in the evening, a prowler being ridden by a simulacrum might cause alarm, but most onlookers would likely just chalk it up to being too high the following morning.

Anyone who wasn't high... who would honestly believe them, anyway?

Revenant is met by the ex-Hammond nurse by the back door, who's smoking a cigarette in the alleyway, looking stressed.

Revenant sees an opening, walking up and violently pinning her against the wall as his uncontrollable rage begins to seethe. She was partially responsible for that damn chassis, therefore she might as well be partially responsible for his imprisonment. She worked for Hammond. She was a part of them.

Yet, she ran when she saw Hammond for the monstrosity that it is. She also focused on organ production rather than exploitation. Had she not known his chassis had decent synthetics, the little skinsuit would certainly be dead or even worse: filled with Hammond tech and their prying spyware. She even helped him despite knowing who he was, and focused on helping the little thing in his arms over fearing for her own life. There was something honorable in that, but is it enough? How selfish would it be to just kill her anyway?

"D-do it already! Don't leave me waiting." She stutters against his arm pinning her neck against the concrete wall. Her cigarette burns out on the asphalt, tears well up in her eyes. "It's fine, I don't have anyone who cares about me anymore. Just please--fuck--do it fast. At least let me die fast."

Revenant hesitates, not sure how selfish he should be. She's so easy. Her frame is small, so her bones are probably weak enough to snap through. He could take her organs and put them in the little skinsuit instead, assuming they're both the right blood types. But perhaps this one earned a quick death. After all, she did actually help. She seems better than most Hammond employees, especially as an ex-employee.

"Please..." Her legs give out from under her and Revenant feels her frame start to droop to the ground. Revenant releases his pin on her and she falls to her knees. "You killed my former peers so cruelly... Please let me just die painlessly. I'm begging you." She literally bows into the ground at his feet.

She's not asking for mercy from death, she's simply asking for an easy death. That's no fun. It's never been fun. Feeling a skinbag die is a part of the vital experience. Feeling a life fade as the natural ticks slow to nothing, watching the eyes turn dark and lifeless... It's what Revenant was made for. Painless means quick. Quick means nothing to savor. Nothing to savor means no intimacy. No intimacy means no fun.

She stays face down on the ground at his feet, paralyzed in fear. She knew he'd come for her. She was too close to the project. It was only a matter of time before her name came up, and she was willing to accept it was her time. She was just terrified of pain. She hoped one last cigarette might help with the fear a bit, but when death stands before her, fear is inevitable.

"Get up." Revenant demands as he crosses his arms, unhappy with his own decision. She carefully stands up to face him, shaking openly. "I'm not going to kill you. Consider yourself lucky, I'm feeling charitable tonight."

Many emotions flash across her face. Disbelief, confusion, concern, realization, then relief. Finally, she starts sobbing into her hands.

Revenant reaches over to her jacket pocket, pulling out the pack of cigarettes and popping two out. He reaches over and slips the pack back in her pocket, pulling out a lighter instead. He lights up both before putting the lighter back as well.

"Take one." He hands one of the two cigarettes to her. As she pulls her hands away from her face to take it, her hands tremor with fear as she attempts to take a draw from it. Revenant cups his hands over his nose and mouth, holding his cigarette between two fingers as he inhales deeply, allowing him to draw a breath of smoke through his nostrils. She watches his interesting method, watching the plumes as he exhales through his nose, letting a billow of smoke pour out.

"Y-you really did used to be human, huh?" She mumbles quietly, taking another draw on the cigarette. "I hoped it wasn't true. Deep down I really hoped it was some dumb rumor--"

"Same." He interrupts her before cupping his hands over his face for another deep draw. "How is the little one?" He asks while inhaling, making a curious pair of layered sounds that only a simulacrum can make.

"She's on dialysis while she doesn't have a functional pair of kidneys or a liver. I prepped your old ones for placement, but we're waiting for the drugs to filter out of her system before getting proper anesthesia in her and going in for the big one. It will be another hour or so." Her fearful stutter subsides when she's focused on her current patient.

"Methamphetamines?" He blows smoke out his nostrils again, going out of his way to step on the cigarette she dropped when he pinned her.

"No, looked like a mix of prescription anti-anxiety benzos and over-the-counter antihistamines, but both were overdose quantities." She taps the cigarette in her fingers, watching Revenant go for another draw. He's burning through it quickly. "Essentially the antihistamines will turn someone into a helpless zombie, but it can cause panic as they lose control of themselves and start succumbing to hallucinations and paralysis. The benzos cut that edge off. It's a great combination for tranquilizing someone." She pauses for a moment, unsure if she should ask, but she goes ahead anyway. "Where'd you find her?"

Revenant takes a massive draw, holding it in his synthetic lungs for a long couple seconds before exhaling it into the air with his head tilted back. The nicotine seems to be affecting him, if his more relaxed body language is anything to go by. His simulacrum body can adapt to common stimulants and depressants, just as a human's can, even though it's simulated in code rather than actual toxicity. She remembers that, since his source code was used regularly to simulate tests on the organs meant to filter out toxins. They were valuable tests, but she's sad to see how Hammond exploited him to do so.

"I found her in a drug and sex trafficking hideout." He kicks the cigarette on the ground into the corner of the wall. She waits for more of an explanation, but it never comes. It's clear there was some kind of gunfight, but he doesn't seem to want to expand on what happened. If he's really human in there, then maybe he feels like he failed to save her, even if she's not dead yet. The awkward silence sits for a few moments before she breaks it.

"So we'll kit her then. That explains the bite marks on her, at least." She says before taking another draw.

Revenant's body tenses up. He's enraged, and it's obvious. He's definitely human still, to some capacity. He just seems traumatized after hundreds of years of unwanted rebirth, as far as she can tell. She feels for him, but she knows from personal experience that Hammond keeps his source code under heavy lock-and-key. There's nothing she could do for him then, and there's certainly not anything she can do for him now.

"Doc, is there any kind of medical magic where I can cause more pain to dead people?" He suddenly asks.

"N-no. Not unless they become simulacrum..." She trails off, unsure if he will find that offensive. He draws into the cigarette again. It's almost gone already.

"Shame. Those fuckers deserved worse." He exhales a plume of smoke, and immediately takes a massive draw, finishing off the cigarette. He exhales enough smoke to practically fill the whole width of the alleyway, then flicks the butt onto the ground and stomps it out. "You almost done?"

"Y-yeah, I'm done." The nurse does the same to her less-finished cigarette, not willing to have Revenant wait on her. It's awkward enough to have her would-be murderer taking a smoke break with her, let alone having him wait on her to finish her smoke.

She swipes her ID card on the back door, which opens with a successful chime. She walks in and hovers near a bathroom door, waiting to see if Revenant will follow her. He's staying behind her.

"I need to clean up before going back to work. If you plan on coming into the surgical room too, you'll want to get the ash and smoke off of you." She points to a similar door across the hall. "You can use that one."

"Fine, I guess I wouldn't want the little one to have a harder time healing because I got nicotine in her guts." He mumbles. "Hurry it up."

She slips behind the door, knowing full well he will wait for her. He's not letting her go anywhere without him, at least for now.

• • • •

"So what's next?" Revenant asks as he follows behind the nurse, entering the surgery room once again.

"Well, as mentioned we're going to kit her. She's on dialysis and stabilizing from the bullet removals, but now we're going to have to put the new synthetic organs in her." She stops for a moment, looking at the synthetics laid out on a cart near her body. "Which... does this mean her lungs need to be replaced?"

"Yeah, Hammond put some spyware garbage in her chest and called it a 'lung'. I need you to put something proper in there instead." Revenant inspects the wounds on the body, lifting the surgical paper to check on his little rescue case. The wounds are cleaned, sewn up, and bandaged to stuff the holes with gauze.

"So only one lung needs to be replaced? You gave me both of yours." The nurse questions, trying to get a grasp on the situation before the surgeon returns.

"Yeah, I was only being thorough. I didn't want to cut it at the wrong spot." Revenant lets the paper fall again and begins pacing the room, visibly bothered.

"Fair enough... Are you sure you want to stay for this? You seem really stressed by it all." She asks, watching the simulacrum wander aimlessly. He stops for a moment.

"What's your name?" He asks.

"Ruth..." She immediately regrets telling the truth.

"Now I know your name. I know your work history. I know you smoke. I know what you look like. If you ask any more stupid questions, Ruth, I will revoke my mercy and eviscerate you like all of the other Hammond employees I get my hands on."

Ruth is pale, but nods silently and turns away to check on the dialysis and run a kit. Revenant returns to pacing. The room falls silent as Ruth runs around the room. Revenant waits until she eventually needs to leave the room to go to the labs, making a call to get a pickup on his eviscerated chassis, which is still sitting lifeless in the corner of the room.

• • • •

After a long while, she returns with the anesthesiologist and surgeon as before. Revenant is standing next to the table, arms crossed and waiting impatiently. His knight chassis is gone now, on it's way back to his room at the Apex facility.

"You're back?" The surgeon asks openly, clearly annoyed at Revenant's impatience and presence.

"Yeah, and don't expect me to leave. You better do a good job at this or I'll--"

"He's very invested in ensuring the organs are anchored properly!" Ruth cuts him off loudly, not allowing him to make the threats he wants to. "They're some of the older ones without the self-aligning anchors, but they're much sturdier. He used to work with me at Hammond in the Organ Research Center."

Revenant growls a little at the mere mention of Hammond Robotics, but recognizes that the lie is better than the truth in this case.

The anesthesiologist is wholly uncaring about the situation, already working new math for medicating the high-risk surgery and administering doses in front of Revenant's looming frame. He's either so deeply jaded by his job that the scariest simulacrum in existence doesn't even shake him, or he's just that hyper focused. Perhaps some combination of both. Revenant ignores him, choosing instead to watch as the surgeon preps some tools for opening the cavities.

Revenant eventually steps aside for the surgeon, Ruth, and a swarm of other nurses who enter the room to try to find a place around the table. His body language goes from annoyed to somewhat sullen, but Ruth is the only one who seems to notice.

The surgery begins as the first incision is made into the abdomen. It's going to be morning before this is anywhere close to finished, and no one is looking forward to the long night.

• • • •

It's been multiple hours. The abdomen was successfully opened, had the damaged kidney and liver removed and replaced, and has now been sewn shut. The muscle wall will take a long time to heal, and the organs had to be tediously anchored to them. The old synthetics are nothing like their modern equivalents that go in with relative ease. These were difficult, risky, and required extra work to get placed and the veins to interface with the new silicone. The dialysis machines stay for now, just in case the new organs don't work as intended while the chest has one lung replaced. All the staff is fighting off exhaustion at this point. Revenant has been disturbingly silent, letting Ruth push the surgeons to correctly work with the vintage organ replacements. He's shifted between brooding in a corner and pacing back and forth, but has refused to let anyone in on his thoughts.

The surgeon finishes connecting the new lung to the correct split windpipe, intentionally jostling it a little to ensure it's anchored properly. The surgery is almost done, but the hard part is putting the chest back together. Some of the ribcage had to be carefully removed due to the severity of the replacement, and getting each piece back in and aligned properly can be tedious.

"I need ten minutes alone." Revenant suddenly demands.

"I'm fucking sorry, wha--" The surgeon starts stomping over to Revenant with a finger pointed at him, before Ruth grabs her and holds her back.

"Please trust me when I say we need to just leave them alone. Please." Ruth pleads with the surgeon. She sighs, pulling Ruth's arms off of her. The other nurses look on with silent curiosity.

"Fine. Fuck it. Take a break everyone!" She turns to Revenant as the nurses scatter, emptying out of the doors. "You have ten minutes. She's stable, try not to kill her, freak."

"I just might, and there's not a damn thing you can do about it." Revenant growls as he walks right up to her, towering over her with a mortifying glare.

The surgeon scoffs, likely bitter from years of dealing with low pay and bad hours, and walks off to the door, slamming it behind her even though it will shut on its own. Ruth remains for a moment, looking to Revenant with a fearful worry before skittering off after the surgeon.

Revenant walks over to the open chest cavity, newly outfitted with a synthetic lung. The sternum is missing, allowing Revenant to see through to a surprisingly small, slowly-beating heart. If he could smile, he would, but it would be a smile somewhere between bloodlust and genuine reverence. He gently reaches into the cavity, wrapping his fingers around the heart, which beats against his hands with a power impossible to fully describe. It reminds him of a newborn prowler--so small and squirmy, but already unmistakably muscular and strong. It has one goal--life--and it never relents in fighting for it.

"So, little skinsuit, you wanted to die, right?" He wraps his sharpened thumb around the aorta and the vein branches that flow up from it to the brain. "I could give you your wish, right now. Exactly what you wanted. Exactly what I asked for. You die with me, painlessly, and I'm the one to do it. You could be free from this hell." He slowly sounds saddened. "But... I'd never see you again. Even if I did ever escape this hellhole and manage to delete my source code, no God would ever let me into the same place you're going." His thumb slips out from around the branches carefully.

He takes a long pause, trying to decide what he should do. He feels that damned pain in his chest again as his code runs hot. His stature slouches as he considers everything that's happened in the past few days. If this creature lives, he'll be stuck trying to keep her alive until he inevitably fails. If this creature dies right here and now, he--

He doesn't want that.

He sighs, feeling the heart pump in his palms. It doesn't even stutter at his presence. It doesn't even care. It's much like his cycle of life, although this one is doomed to eventually end. God put that guarantee in there, ensuring no living being ever had to suffer forever, but that was taken from him. How selfish can one be?

Finally, he speaks to his unconscious audience, charisma suddenly returning to his stance.

"I've embraced every dark part of your so-called humanity, including being very, very selfish. So you're going to stay here with me, as long as I can force you to." He revels, almost as if to whisper to the heart itself. It doesn't respond any differently. It just agrees with his plan, beating away.

He holds the beating heart for a few more minutes, squeezing it a little to feel its muscular form push back against his grip. It's the strongest thing inside her, and he's always loved feeling hearts. Normally the sensation only lasts mere moments, as his intent is to kill, but this is the first one he doesn't fully intend to impale or crush it in his hand. He loves the feeling of power over life, and he loves feeling the surprisingly forceful and dominant hold life has on his victims. He could tear that hold away, but right now he's just revelling in the pervasiveness of it, loving its insistent presence in his little companion. He slips his hand out from around the heart, letting it rest on the pillows of the biological and synthetic lungs. His hand is dripping a slick and viscous blood, which he brings up to his face to wipe on his mask. He's enamored by the smell of blood--always has been--but this blood is particularly intoxicating.

He slips back into the darkness, away from the lights over the surgical table and into the darkness, eventually leaning up against the wall and sliding down it until he's on the floor, keeping his blood-soaked hand against his face. It smells so sweet and metallic, he's fighting the desire to put a finger on the tasting chip in his mouth, worried he might love it too much. Although, he cannot quite shake the knowledge that the blood itself is not a drug, it's who it comes from and the intimacy of holding her heart in his hands. He relents, opening up his synthetic jaw and sticking a single finger in to touch a chip in the back of his jaw.

Copper, just like his mask, but sweeter somehow. His hand shakes a little at the sensation. His bloodlust and lust seem to make a horrific team, and an even better high. He wishes he could stay here like this as long as possible, but time marches on just to spite him.

The door swings back open, the surgeon and Ruth peeking their heads through to see the simulacrum slouched in the corner and the patient still intact. They don't see the blood smeared on his hand that's lifted to his mask; he simply looks like he's trying to cry, or extremely distressed. The surgeon ignores him and swoops back over to the patient, followed by a line of nurses who begin helping her set the ribcage back together and close up the cavity.

Ruth takes a moment to walk over to Revenant in the corner, whispering under her breath to him.

"It's okay, she's got the best chance you could possibly give her." She whispers before quickly shuffling away to the table.

Revenant looks up as she walks away, his bright yellow eyes peeking out at her from between his blood-laced fingers. She has no idea that he got his claws into the toybox, or that the evidence is all over his claws, or that he's basking in the scent and taste of it all. He'd rather keep it that way. He lets her assume he's in distress, continuing to enjoy the blood and life smeared on his face. He will stay like this as long as it takes, keeping his hand hidden against his face and under his headscarf, waiting for the moment recovery--and his sobriety--must begin.

The night goes on, Revenant not making another sound or movement to interrupt the doctors and nurses.

Eventually, the surgery completes. The dialysis machine is carefully removed, allowing the new organs to begin their work. The patient is hooked up to more machines to help monitor and stabilize her, pictures are taken of the bite marks to send to the police department, and Revenant follows as she is wheeled off to a room to recover. Revenant keeps his hand at his visage, not removing it until he is left alone with his rescued companion again, well into the next day.

He sighs, staring at the comatose body in front of him and the blood on his hands, wondering if he made the right choice. He was given two opportunities to be selfish, but he only took the one that mattered most to him. Was that fair of him? He can't decide for himself. Perhaps he's committing the same sin committed against him, or perhaps he did the "right" thing, whatever that means in this world. He genuinely doesn't know anymore.

Whatever happens at this point is beyond his control. She might wake up, or maybe she won't. Now, it's up to whatever God there may be ruling over this hellscape of a universe. He secretly hopes this God doesn't care much for the negligible little skinsuit and leaves her with him. Revenant doesn't hold much hope; after all, God is allowed to be selfish, right? Revenant hates that thought, but relents: take it all, then.

[skyfallensoldier]

Mobile Navigation || Rules & Mun ↓

DISCLAIMER: I just want to note here at the beginning that while I am considering this RP blog to be historically based, i.e. remaining true to the time period and overall details of John Laurens' biographical information and whatnot, I do not consider myself a historically accurate blog, not entirely. Historical fiction is a well known genre of literature and many, MANY creative liberties are taken within that genre. Think of this blog like you would if you saw an Anastasia Romanov blog. She's dead, we know she didn't survive, and she's been dead a long-ass time; so has Laurens. People still have included her in many works of fiction, even after her body was identified and it was proven she did not survive her family's massacre. I saw a romance book a couple of months ago where she survived that was recently published. Historical fiction, while a controversial thing at times, is a legitimate form of literature.

You don't have to tell me if you think John isn't acting exactly like the real man himself would have, I know that. I'm not going to call John my 'perfect sunshine boy cinnamon roll' or dismiss the privilege he was raised on due to his father, I'm aware he was a real person who had his own personality, virtues and prejudices. I won't deny that while he was certainly a progressive thinking man for the time he grew up in he definitely still had racist thoughts and actions that were indicative of his upbringing. But I'm not on here to debate modern, real life politics, or get into arguments about whether he was a good abolitionist or not. At the end of the day, this is still a hobby for me, and I'm writing for fun.

Basically, don't take it too seriously. I'm a 21st century bisexual woman writing from the POV of an 18th century (likely gay) male soldier, the way I write him is obviously not going to be a perfect representation of who he was. I know he wasn't an amazing, perfect person, but I've still chosen to write a fictionalized version of him for my own entertainment. Please try to respect that; thank you.

Mun Stuff

Name: Luna Gender: Female (She/Her or They/Them) D.o.B: July 23rd, 1996 Age: 24 Nationality: Canadian Sexuality: Bisexual Timezone: Eastern Time (US & Canada) Activity: Daily BIOGRAPHY (SORT OF)

Hello, there! You can call me Luna! I've been interested in writing ever since I first got the internet when I was 14 and discovered FanFiction.Net and now I'm an aspiring author and Roleplay enthusiast. If you include acting/talking out DnD like games with friends then I've been 'roleplaying' since the fifth grade, but I like to think there's always room for improvement. If you ever want to chat I'd love to make a new friend or plot out a roleplay, so don't be afraid to shoot me an ask or send me a private message. Just because my muse can be a jackass doesn't mean I am! I’m a huge advocate for mental health, and if you ever need someone to talk to, please don’t ever hesitate to reach out! Some of my hobbies including literature and writing (of course), digging into mythology from various cultures, practicing solitary eclectic paganism/new age spirituality, drinking tea, and collecting crystals/minerals.

Please note that for the sake of disclosure, I am considered ‘Neurodivergent’, in that I suffer from ADHD, diagnosed at about age six, and have Anxiety and Depression which are directly tied to it. This doesn’t often effect my life on here, but I sometimes have an unpredictable sleep schedule (stay up all night, sleep in late into the morning, etc). I’m usually quick to reply to threads for the most part! I work every Tuesday and Thursday from 5pm to 7pm in addition to odd jobs here and there, during which time I won’t have access to the Internet. The rest of the week I’m on and off all day basically, so you can feel free to contact me any time.

RP Style

⭐️ Please use basic spelling/grammar/punctuation when you RP with me. I'm not a drill sergeant about these kinds of things, I know that typos happen, and if you have a vision problem or such we can absolutely find a way to work around that, I also have no problem roleplaying with people whose first language is not English, so that's totally fine and I’m happy to accomodate in whatever way I can, but it does make it a little difficult to play with you if I don't know what you're trying to say. For this reason I prefer if you not use any text shorthand (lol, idk, brb, jk, etc) unless our muses are messaging each other. Using it in the tags is fine.

⭐️ I roleplay Laurens in a past-tense 3rd Person Point of View (think story-telling format), and generally I don't use icons or text formatting unless I notice my partner does, then I will try to match their style (for example if you use icons and small-text, I will try to do the same, though because formatting isn't possible on mobile, any mobile replies might take longer to be posted than if I were on my laptop). If you have any issues with how I'm writing or need me to adjust my style for any reason don't be afraid to ask.

Contact

⭐️ If you spam me with messages over and over again about something I haven't replied to, chances are I'll drop the thread. I don't mind being reminded because I know Tumblr's notifications are notoriously unreliable sometimes, and humans can forget/lose things, but if you keep poking at me after I've acknowledged you the first and second time, I won't be pleased. Things can get busy on here, or in real life, or sometimes you're just lacking muse for that particular thread, y'know? It doesn't mean I hate you and don't want to RP, I'm almost always up for plotting, but muse tends to fluctuate.

⭐️ My ‘Discord’ is available to mutuals upon request. I don't mind roleplaying on there if Tumblr is being glitchy or you're just not feeling up to formatted/heavily plotted threads, sometimes Discord is fun in that you can do immediate replies without needing the effort of putting icons and formatting into it. I also have a Kik but I never use it. I don't RP in Tumblr's IMs, that's purely for OOC interaction.

⭐️ I also occasionally stream movies/TV shows in group chats or play “in character” Cards Against Humanity game nights, Among Us, etc. If you’re interested, lemme know, I’m always looking for more people to hang out with!

Important

I have no actual triggers that I'm aware of, although snakes do creep me out (mostly shots of them coiled up or images of their pupils), but there are some things I will not roleplay personally for comfort reasons:

⭐️ Cannibalism. You can mention it, for example I won't freak out if someone tells my muse that somebody else ate a person (he might, assuming its not a Supernatural type verse), but I won't RP him engaging in cannibalism, not even in AUs (blood-drinking vampires are fine). I'm just not sure I could stomach writing about eating people. I managed to watch Hannibal, barely, but writing about it? Nah. I can handle lots of horror, gore and disturbing content but not this. Sorry.

⭐ Incest/Pedophilia. I do not SEXUALLY ship with characters under the age of 18. John is not attracted to children, and would never consider sleeping with someone much younger than him.

⭐ I will not write anything sexual with muns who are under 18 years old, even if your muse is an adult. I'll still ROLEPLAY with you if you are under 18 but probably no younger than 16 just because things tend to get explicit on my blogs and I don't want to be accused of corrupting the youth with my foul language and weird opinions, lol. Seriously though, this blog covers a lot of dark subjects and while I’m all for minors exploring that safely through writing rather than in real life, some people aren’t comfortable with interacting with under age people for legal or personal reasons, please respect that.

⭐ Necrophilia. Just... no. Vampire threads don't count, as they're undead and not 'dead dead'.

⭐ Rape. I won't write it with you. I'm okay with mentions of rape, with rape/sexual assault survivor/recovery plots, and even with one character intervening to rescue another from an attempted sexual assault (if an attempted assault does occur, it will be thoroughly tagged and under a cut). I'm fully open to discussing rape recovery/trauma plots as those are things that happen in real life, and it can be interesting to explore how a character reacts to trauma. But anything else is a no-go, sorry!

⭐ Please be aware that I write Laurens as a gay man. However! Because of the time period, violent homophobia and social stigma, he has slept with women before and may be seen flirting with or referencing relationships with women in the past. He is still gay, and still uninterested in being with women long term, he's simply closeted to all but a few individuals. So, unless your muse is Martha Manning (who Laurens DOES love in a manner, and he always will), shipping with female characters on here most likely isn't going to happen unless it's heavily plotted/developed and part of an overall plot, and you understand that it will not be a conventional sexual relationship. I'm sorry if that disappoints you but I've read Laurens as a gay male for so long I have trouble seeing him any other way.

⭐ I will not roleplay slavery plots. This is not up for debate. Roleplaying a highly fictionalized version of a long dead real person who existed during a troubling time is one thing, but I draw the line at that. For this reason, while I'll happily play with non-white muses, muses using non white faceclaims, and crossovers with characters of all sorts, I'll have to decline playing with any muse claiming to actually be writing slavery. There’s a difference between, say, roleplaying a character like Daenerys, a fictional character who was technically a slave-bride sold by her brother, and writing actual slavery from a very real, horrible time period. Slave ownership will of course be mentioned on this blog, that's unavoidable, but just like the mention of rape may happen on this blog from time to time, it will be in reference to a past event or speaking about the subject in general, not roleplaying a scene of it. Please respect this rule, I was hesitant to make this blog at first, because I know it makes some people uncomfortable, but I won't glorify such a horrible real thing that happened to so many people.

Exclusives/Mains

Just a head's up, unless I develop a bunch of chemistry with a particular portrayal of a muse I'm not likely to agree to being exclusives with anyone, unless perhaps it's a very niche or divergent character that has formed a good relationship of some sort with John and I'd have trouble interacting with other versions of that muse. For major characters I just feel it would be unfair to say no to someone who I click with in every other way, solely because I have already befriended someone else writing that character.

I will, however, discuss becoming mains with someone whom I've either developed or plotted out detailed storylines/interactions with regarding our specific portrayals of our characters. This means that I tend to reply to them quickly when I'm online, or may make little gifts (moodboards, aesthetic things, mini ficlets, whatever) for them unprompted, have a verse dedicated just to them, etc. Even if it seems like we haven't done much on Tumblr, there may be a lot of off-site development on Discord or whatnot that led to us plotting out intricate stories for our muses.

Current Mains:

Alexander Hamilton - @quillborn​

DO

⭐️ Send private messages.

⭐️ Send my character asks/starters/memes.

⭐️ Tag me in things.

⭐️ Ask to plot or ship.

⭐️ Ask for angst, fluff, etc.

⭐️ Submit things to me & my muse.

⭐️ Do crack and other ridiculous things with me!

⭐️ Like my RP threads.

⭐️ Like my personal posts.

⭐️ Comment on my personal/OOC posts (if you want to).

⭐️ Comment on my crack threads.

⭐️ Instant Message (IM) me if you'd like to talk, whether we're friends already or not!

DON'T

⭐️ Send hateful messages to me about other people and especially my mutuals; doesn't count if it's about the muse and not the person playing them, however. Also, if I’ve got beef with someone for whatever reason, don’t harass them/send hate to them on my behalf, please. I don’t condone anonymous abuse, attacking others, or harassment. I’m a big girl and I can take care of myself, I promise.

⭐️ Introduce yourself with ‘wanna ship?’ For one, I prefer if we’ve at least started a roleplay together, or have spoken OOC. Auto shipping doesn’t always work out and I hate promising people something only to realize there’s zero chemistry, because then I feel like I’m letting them down.

⭐️ Come into my inbox with just ‘wanna rp?’ and that’s it. Please at least have some idea of what you want to roleplay, it’s not very fun when someone approaches you to RP but then doesn’t offer up any suggestions at all. Remember, you are always free to send me memes, whether we’re mutuals or not, and hit me up for whatever plot you think might interest me! I want to hear about it!

⭐️ Spam me with "reminder" messages if I've already acknowledged you the first few times.

⭐️ Reblog my RP threads if you're not a participant in them.

⭐️ Send me anonymous OOC hate. Hate for Laurens is fine, it's just another form of roleplay.

⭐️ Kill off my character or severely injure/maim my character without permission or having plotted something involving that with me first.

⭐️ Follow me if you're a porn blog. I don't mind blogs that post NSFW content, or smut a lot, etc. I mean blogs that aren't for RP and are literally just a normal looking blog until you click on it and the header and first twenty posts are hardcore nudity and porn. I hate those things.

⭐️ Shame my ships.

⭐️ Complain about my tagging. I put my smut under a 'read more' without exception and tag them as "NSFW //" with two dashes. Things that are not necessarily graphic but still have sexual undertones go under "Suggestive //". I use these tags to avoid attracting attention from porn blogs and porn bots that track certain key words, as such I do not tag my content with "Smut" or trigger words such as "dick, oral, anal, nudity, etc", please block my NSFW and Suggestive tags if you're uncomfortable. Triggery subjects (mentions of rape, animal abuse, torture, mental illness) will be tagged under the name of said trigger with a space and two dashes, example: "Self Harm //", “Suicidal Ideation //” or "PTSD //".

⭐️ Godmod my character. If you’re not sure what is/isn’t okay, come talk to me! I don’t bite! If you’re looking for an example of god mod behavior, here: “X lunged at Laurens, taking him by surprise, and hit him square in the nose, causing blood to spurt.” It might not seem like a big deal but it means that you decided how your character’s actions affected my muse, and not only that, didn’t give him a chance to dodge or anything. Not cool.

⭐️ Ship with me without permission (sending in shippy asks is A-Ok if you're interested in exploring a ship between our muses, I'm talking about things like claiming that our muses are in a relationship without discussing it with me, referencing dates or sexual acts that never happened, etc. I ship mainly with chemistry otherwise things get boring fast.

⭐️ Assume/act like our characters know each other/are closely connected (friends/family/lovers) if we've never discussed it unless it is established in canon/history. This especially goes for original characters. I'm open to Laurens forming deep relationships with OCs obviously, but those have to be developed in character, not just assumed from the first interaction.

⭐️ Attempt to roleplay with me if you are not a roleplay blog/or if you're just trying to RP as "yourself." I don't do Character X Reader imagines stuff. I don't RP with 'fan' accounts, only RP blogs. You can still send asks so long as you're not trying to initiate an RP scenario. For example, asking Laurens what his hobbies are, asking for a blessing etc? That's fine. Spamming me with different actions "you" are talking to Laurens is weird. Stop that. I will also not RP with blogs that claim to roleplay as real life people, such as Markiplier, that's super creepy. This does NOT apply to "historical fiction" roleplay (obviously since that's what this blog is), which is considered its own genre of literature. I'm talking about the above where people will 'roleplay' as real life, currently alive people like YouTube celebrities and ship them with their friends, even if they've made it clear that they're uncomfortable with it. 

⭐️ Get angry at me for doing something you don't like if you don't even have a rules page for me to go by. It's not fair; you can't expect your partners to just read your mind and magically know how you feel. If something bothers you let me know, I’ll make a note about it so I avoid it during our interactions!

⭐️ Use me as a meme resource blog without ever interacting with me. I don't require "reblog karma" for you to follow me, partners are more than welcome to reblog from me, but if we never interact and I just occasionally see you reblog fifteen posts from my meme tag and then disappear again I'm not gonna be happy. Go to the source or to an archived blog no longer getting notifications, please!

⭐️ Reblog my Meta/Headcanons. If they're from a different blog it's fine but the ones I've personally written are for MY portrayal of Laurens. I work hard on most of my stuff and I'd prefer if you didn't reblog it, not because you aren't allowed to have the same headcanon ideas as me, but because then it ends up getting liked or reblogged by lots of other people, spamming my notifications, etc.

OCs & Multimuses

I love OCs and multi-muse blogs (I have my own multimuse sideblog over at @historyremembers, which has other 18th century characters including the Hamilton children and some OCs), so feel free to interact! That being said, please have an about page of some sort on your blog. I can't follow back blogs that have absolutely no information available regarding their character(s). I don't RP with OC children of Laurens. This is nothing personal, but I'm fairly certain he was gay in real life and prefer to play him that way, and he only had one child - who he never even got to meet - in real life, so it just wouldn't make sense to me for him to have other kids running around unless he'd adopted some. If you're a multimuse, I may not follow you back if I'm only familiar with two of your muses if you have a blog of fifteen characters, simply because I'd prefer to keep my dash clean and only have characters/fandoms I'm familiar with on it. I'll still RP with you if you have a character I'm interested in! I just might not follow back if the majority of your characters I do not know, I apologize for this.

If you’ve made it to the end of this, congrats! I know it couldn’t be easy (my ADHD brain was frustrated trying to just write all this up) but it’s necessary so there’s not misunderstandings on what I am/am not willing to RP. I won’t ask for a password since I trust most people to have the courtesy to at least skim the rules of those they want to RP with. 

Have a nice day!

[femchef]

Suffer Bitch Ficlist

What This List Is: A collection of fics that I’ve read that absolutely fuck me up emotionally, and that I appreciated/loved/needed/have impacted me enough that I’ve saved them for re-reading. If these were paperbacks, the pages would have started falling out long before now.

That said, everything on this list has an emotional resolution (even the few incomplete ones I’ve chosen to include). Nothing on this list is the kind of emotional devastation that leaves the reader feeling empty and used* because honestly I need resolution, and I hate the type of #realism that makes me go “Well what was the fucking point, then”. This list is not comprehensive; if you’re in these fandoms, you’ve likely brushed up against them before. The majority of these authors are well-known, and some of these fics have been around longer than I’d like to be reminded. 

So - what qualifies a fic for this list, anyway? 

Tears and snotty sobbing. Everything on this list has made me cry and also given me emotional chills to some degree in order to make the cut.**

Before You Read: Take any warnings I list below seriously. If it’s something that will fuck you up in a bad way, then don’t read it. Don’t open the link. We all have things that are no-go’s. Full disclosure? I can’t read anything with graphic depictions of sexual assault, though mentions, allusions to, or mild/non-graphic depictions (ex. fade to black scenarios, fuzzy memory recall, etc.) don’t bother me. I take those tags and author’s notes seriously when I’m choosing what to read. Similarly, I’m pretty blasé about a lot of gore or body horror - except, specifically, when someone is rolling around in a pit of used needles (thanks for that, Saw movies). Guess what I avoid reading? In short: be a responsible reader. Don’t be self-destructive and proceed with however much caution you require.

*a life of smoke and silvered glass is an outlier and should not be counted.

**As a baseline, please keep in mind that the first time I read JRRT’s The Two Towers, I threw my book across the room when I got to the end. Also, the scene in Whale Rider where Paikea is on stage is the one time I started gross-sobbing in a movie theatre. Make of that what you will.

On to the list!

Suffer Bitch Ficlist:

(Presented to you in order of least impactful to most)

Invitation/Complication

It’s Green

Skin Deep

a life of smoke and silvered glass

Practicing Liars

Family Night

A Wicked Game

A Piercing Comfort

Loud and Clear

Humans and Ghosts

Digging for the Bones

Chivalry 

In Care Of

A Year Like None Other

Stay

Under Wing

Distorting Equivalency 

I’m Not Broken (I Can’t Be)

[The following are in no particular order because I couldn’t decide]

19. Sacrifices Arc

20. Phantom of Truth/Shadow of a Doubt

21. Like One Sundered Star

1. Invitation/Complication Series [Homestuck]

By saffronHeliotrope

You don’t need reminding that everyone is pairing off while you have village-bicycled your way through this group of morons as if you’d never run out of time.

It occurs to you that maybe you need new friends.

Word Count: 8,033

Status: Complete

This series contains two works, one taking place immediately after the other. Have fun angsting with Dave because he can’t seem to wrap his mind around this whole ot3 thing with John and Rose (on their wedding night, ofc). Consenting (if slightly dumb) adults and polyamory all around. 

Read here: https://archiveofourown.org/series/132165

2. It’s Green [Harry Potter]

By Doodled93

Harry grows up working on his Aunt’s Garden and develops a love for it, meeting Samuel and eventually Max, who gives him a Mark of his own. This Mark is changing him, making him more different than he already was, and he loves it. 

Word Count: 88,549

Status: WiP

This is marvelous kidfic - lots of good fluff. Except. You know - that one OC death that was so heart wrenching that you start bawling. The concept of magical tattoos in this fic is really nice, and Max - a prickly, rough and gruff tattoo artist is the best kind of unintentional parental mentor. The author hasn’t updated in some time, but they’ve also made a note that they’ll come back eventually when they’re ready to update to completion. 

Read here: https://archiveofourown.org/works/411709/chapters/683216

3. Skin Deep [Fullmetal Alchemist]

By Batsutousai 

Trisha and Van’s first child, Edith, was born a beautiful, healthy girl. The only problem? Ed knew he was a boy.

Word Count: 17,083

Status: Complete 

As you may have guessed from the description, this is a mostly canon AU featuring a trans Edward Elric. I love it, I appreciate how it was written, especially that it’s not a romantic plot - and not only was I crying after the first read, but rereads still give me the sniffles.

Read here: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8197400/chapters/18779738

4. a life of smoke and silvered glass [Harry Potter]

By dirgewithoutmusic

Albus Dumbledore rose to his feet, smiling at them in that way of his, like he knew something you didn’t and he was proud of you for it. “Friends,” he began. 

The door thudded open and the Marauders burst in, late and pink-cheeked with cold. The headmaster smiled at them, too, and Sirius gave a cheery little salute back.

Severus sunk lower in his chair, staring witheringly over his butterbeer. “You told Potter about it, too?” 

“He might as well put all that energy to good use,” said Lily. “And to be accurate, I told Remus.” 

“But Potter, really?” said Severus.

“He and Black cooked up a jinx that gives you a boil every time you say a slur to a Muggleborn,” said Lily. “It was either invite them to Alice’s war club or bake them cookies, and I know where my skills lie.” 

Severus sniffed. “Don’t come crying to me if he tugs your pigtails.” 

“Come crying to me if he pulls yours, and I’ll deck him.” said Lily.

(Slight AU in which Severus apologizes, tries harder, and stays friends with Lily.)

Word Count: 22,794

Status: Complete

This is the Severus Snape that canon wanted. The greatest tragedy that never has to explicitly be spelled out (and the reason this fic is so heartbreaking and infuriating) is that the end results are the same.

Read here: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11457669

5. Practicing Liars [Harry Potter]

By Lomonaaeren

AU of HBP. Harry found out that he was Snape’s son two years ago, and he’s carefully concealed it. But now Snape is his Defense teacher, and Draco Malfoy is up to something, and Dumbledore is dying, and the final battle is coming up, and everything is getting very, very complicated. 

Word Count: 206,306

Status: Complete

Oh boy, bring on the angst. A Severitus fic with a lot of bitter, petty feelings. Half Blood Prince is such a popular point in HP canon to veer off into AU territory (for good reason), and just - the timing, the missed opportunities, the growth. Lots of feelings. Also drarry. 

Read here: https://archiveofourown.org/works/990947/chapters/1955931

6. Family Night [Harry Potter]

By Celebony

As Hogwarts starts a quarterly Family Night, Harry is determined to take part. Facing the heartache of looking in all the wrong places, he’ll have to discover the true meaning of family, and that sometimes it comes from where you least expect it. 

Word Count: 33,000

Status: Complete

Eventual Severitus fic. Unhealthy coping mechanisms, emotional abuse, anxiety, self-destructive behavior, angst, grief, and (eventually) healing and recovery - this fic has it all. To me, I think this is the author’s best work, but obviously I have a preference. Fans of Remus tread carefully, this story may not be for you. 

Read here: https://m.fanfiction.net/s/2682144/1/Family-Night

7. A Wicked Game Series [Fullmetal Alchemist]

By Tierfal

Roy has lucked into the all-expenses-paid vacation of his dreams - all he has to do is convince a bunch of happy couples that he’s head-over-heels in love with Ed Elric. What could possibly go wrong? 

[Modern!AU].

Word Count: 64,884

Status: Story is Complete, but Series is still open for possible future oneshots/additions 

Currently three completed works in the series. Roy and Ed as struggling grad students who share lab space stuck in a cabin full of obnoxious couples. This story resonates so well for me, because it was the first time I read something where a character actively struggles with depression where I really felt like someone GOT IT. So, be warned - suicide mentions, depression, angst, and a lot of puns. Safe Roy/Ed, though if that’s not your jam, better take a miss. 

 Read here: https://archiveofourown.org/series/372113

8. A Piercing Comfort [Harry Potter]

By talithan

When Harry Potter hits the lowest point of his life so far, it is not his friends who keep him honest. With Draco Malfoy’s patience and guidance, Harry learns to stand on his own. The thing is, after the fact - he’s no longer sure he wants to. 

Word Count: 44,566

Status: Complete

This fic has art by onthecount! It’s lovely. Anyway - Oh my god. When I talk about things resonating on some, soul-deep level. The way depression, and trauma, and PTSD is handled is... Well. I don’t go back to this often, but it’s because (for me) reading this fic is cleansing. Draco and Luna as therapists running a burgeoning wizarding practice is pretty great. If you couldn’t guess by reading the summary, this is an eventual drarry fic - and I’ll be upfront, if the idea of dating your former therapists squicks you out, don’t read. I like how it’s written out, it doesn’t feel inappropriate, or like any sort of power imbalance to me, but I can see where that wouldn’t be everyone’s cup of tea either. 

Read here: https://archiveofourown.org/works/857495

9. Loud and Clear Series [Fullmetal Alchemist]

By Tierfal

The thing with Roy is founded on coffee snobbery and stupid text messages and seriously awesome makeout sessions in the car. Oh, and the love of a lifetime, or whatever.

Word Count: 280,924

Status: WiP

Currently there are six completed works, and one in-progress (with at least one more slated by the author). Also known as ‘The modern!AU Roy/Ed fluffball fic (of doom)’, there is emotional baggage/angst throughout that hints at darker things but nothing too dreadful until the fourth entry in the series, “Another One of Those Heartbreak Songs”. Anxiety, depression, war crimes, rape and consent (and, fyi, one of the best descriptions of what exactly enthusiastic consent IS, is in the current entry of the series, “The Boiling Point”) are all being dealt and felt in this story. Safe Roy/Ed fic that starts with a coffeehouse!AU style meetcute and follows the deepening relationship between Roy (established lawyer who works with veterans) and Ed (making the transition from struggling grad student to frazzled professor), and has a delightful dose of Al/Win tossed in. One of the most relatable things about this series is how all the terrible things about your worst relationships don’t really hit you until you’re smack in the middle of the best relationship you’ve ever had, and it’s ROUGH. Consider this your explicit warning: if mentions of rape/sexual abuse, or abusive ex’s set you off, don’t read.

Read here: https://archiveofourown.org/series/167693

10. Humans and Ghosts [Danny Phantom]

By RedHeadsRock1010

If there was one thing Danny Fenton perfected since receiving his powers, it was how to pretend. 

Word Count: 26,751

Status: Complete

ANGST. Angst and neglectful parents. Angst and neglectful parents and two siblings doing the best they can. Jazz is a real MVP in this story. Also blood and gore. And torture. Oh my god. Still makes me cry. Consider this your explicit warning: if mentions of torture, or neglectful/abusive parenting set you off, don’t read. While it’s not a religious fic, the impact of the parenting codes like some of the horror stories you might have heard about being in the closet and growing up with religious parents. You have been warned. 

Read here: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12315771/chapters/27999459

11. Digging for the Bones [Harry Potter]

By Paganaidd

Rather than allowing Harry to stay at Diagon Alley after he blew up Aunt Marge, the ministry sends Harry back to the Dursley’s. Harry returns to school after a terrible summer, to find that he’s not the only one with this kind of secret. A student has been killed by his family. New screening measures are put into place by the Ministry: Every student must be given a medical exam and interview to look for child abuse. With Dumbledore facing an inquiry, Snape is entrusted with the task of making sure EVERYONE receives one. 

Word Count: 203,178

Status: Complete 

As the author warns before the fic, there is a character death in the first chapter. The story is an AU of Prisoner of Azkaban. Suicide, attempted suicide, and suicidal ideation are a big part of the story. Child abuse, death by child abuse (and the aftermath), ptsd, and the appalling effects of dementors on a castle full of kids are pretty central to the plot. Eventual Severitus. Also accidental necromancy. This is a monumental hurt/comfort fic and there are a LOT of feelings. And angst. Consider this your warning: if explicit attempted suicide, or suicidal thoughts set you off, don’t read. If mentions of physical abuse/child abuse set you off, don’t read.

Read here: https://archiveofourown.org/works/598019/chapters/1078847

12. Chivalry Series [Harry Potter]

When Harry appears at the Welcoming Feast wearing a glamor only Snape notices. Snape decides to find out what the glamor is hiding. 

You, the guiltless, will pay for your father’s sins,

Roman, until you repair the decaying 

Temples and shrines of the gods, and their

Images, filthy with blackening smoke.

When you act as servant of the gods, you rule:

From them all beginning, leave them the ending. 

Horace, Odes III-6

Word Count: 123,467

Status: Series is marked as Ongoing, though individual stories are Complete

Welp. Angst, some explicit child abuse (specifically physically violent Vernon Dursley), grief and mourning, ptsd, accidental potions class disasters that lead to more angst, sickfic, hurt/comfort, blood, gore and violence, child neglect, and eventual found-family by way of Severitus and a developing sibling relationship between Harry and Luna. There is a lot to unpack here. The interactions between Harry, Luna and Severus are especially endearing and heartbreaking. This is your explicit warning: if explicit child abuse /physical abuse set you off, or if accidentally forced (yes, I know how that sounds) flashbacks set you off, don’t read. 

Read here: https://archiveofourown.org/series/12306

13. In Care Of

By Fangs_Fawn

During the summer before sixth year, Harry finds an injured bat in the garden and decides to try to heal it... and an unwilling Snape learns just what kind of a person Harry Potter really is. 

Word Count: 45,319

Status: Complete 

I’m gonna be upfront with you. Vernon and Dudley Dursley are very sadistic in this story. Tread with caution. That said, along with the angst this is a very solid hurt/comfort fic that is also a reciprocal hurt/comfort fic (in that, first Snape is helped, and then Harry). It’s a nice emotional exchange. Violence - explicit child abuse and torture, grief, and a very petulant animagus. This is your explicit warning: if physical torture/violence sets you off, don’t read.

Read here: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1023625/chapters/2036909

14. Like None Other Series [Harry Potter]

By aspeninthesunlight

A letter from home? A letter from family? Well, Harry Potter knows he has neither, but all the same, it starts with a letter from Surrey. Whatever the Dursley’s have to say, it can’t be anything good; so Harry’s determined to ignore it. But then, his evil schoolmate rival spots the letter and his slimy excuse for a teacher intercepts it and forces him to read it. And that sends Harry down a path he’d never have walked on his own.

It will be a year of big changes, a year of great pain, and a year of confronting worst fears. It will be a year of surprising discoveries, of finding true strength, of finding out that first impressions of a person’s true colors do not always ring true. It will be a year of paradigm shifts. 

And from the most unexpected sources, Harry will have a chance to have that which he has never known: a home... and a family.

A sixth year fic, this story follows Order of the Phoenix and disregards any canon events that occur after book 5. 

Word Count: 1,465,418

Status: WiP

Currently there are two completed works in this series, and one ongoing. This is a ROLLERCOASTER, omg. Terminal illness, child abuse, explicit, agonizing torture, grief and mourning, bad coping mechanisms, self-harm, self-destructive behavior - hurt/comfort out the wazoo. Eventual Severitus, this is a good, substantial found-family fic with a developing sibling relationship between Harry and Draco. I really appreciate that Severus, Harry and Draco continue to step on each other’s toes as the story moves along. They get as much wrong as they get right, and the familial development is natural. Harry does struggle a bit with the newer experience of a paternal Severus weighted by the previous years of his antagonism and petty behavior. Severus struggles with balance, Draco struggles with extremes - behavior, feelings, intrusive thoughts - it’s a very well-rounded story. This is your explicit warning: The torture is incredibly graphic, and there are needles involved. If that sets you off, don’t read. 

Read here: https://archiveofourown.org/series/41198

15. Stay [Danny Phantom]

By jaeger_soul

Dash Baxter is finally a senior and this year isn’t supposed to be hard. With nothing waiting on him after graduation, he might as well sleep through his classes. He’s already got a job after high school’s over, what’s the point of reaching for anything more? He’s fine with what he has. But when ‘more’ comes in the form of a black-haired boy with similar problems to his own, can Dash really not try for it?

Word Count: 817,287

Status: WiP

This is technically a series, since the author has written one companion piece from another character’s perspective for chapter 27 of the story. Oh my god. Dash is a sweet, sweet cinnamon roll who’s just trying to muddle his way through, and terrible things happen to him. This is not Dash the bully from the canon series. The endgame ship is Dash/Danny, and it is very slow-burn. Lots of hurt/comfort in this fic, and the author’s OC’s are incredibly fleshed out and wonderfully developed. Anxiety and panic attacks are pretty heavy in this story. Small town-typical homophobic slurs, make an appearance. Teenagers having sex with other teenagers is a thing. Mentions of abortion and teen pregnancy and unwanted pregnancy all happen later on. Mentions of suicidal thoughts and attempted suicide are plot points. Abusive and abused ex partners. Child abuse - emotional, mental and physical - is the heavy hitter in this story. It is explicit and painful and heartbreaking. Consider this your warning. ABUSE. Explicit, agonizing depictions of trauma, and being used as a bargaining chip between two different but equally terrible parents - if any of that sets you off, DO NOT READ THIS STORY. 

Read here:https://archiveofourown.org/series/646532

16. Under Wing [Harry Potter/Katekyou Hitman Reborn Crossover]

By Reighost

Prophesies were tricky things and lies are even trickier. Sirius’s death becomes a catalyst and Dumbledore’s lies crumple like a house of cards. Harry is left with a burning question... Who is he really? Crossover with Katekyou Hitman Reborn!

Word Count: 145,771

Status: WiP

This story goes hard on the angst right out of the gate. And I do mean hard. Oh my god. A literal mindfuck that will leave you gasping. Psychological manipulation and torture, mind rape, body horror, and non-sexual indecent treatment of a corpse to start with. However, there is a lot of good content in this hurt/comfort fic. The author has not only brought HP and KHR together but has blended elements and characters from Spirited Away, Cardcaptor Sakura and xxxHolic together in such a way that despite all the horror, there’s actually a lot of redeeming charm. You will never find a better interpretation of the Hibari family than the Hibari’s that Reighost writes about in her universes, and this story contains a flashback to the Hibari parents meetcute and it is adorable and hilarious. While this is a wip, it’s at a very good stopping point that’s more or less the end of a story arc - so don’t let the thoughts of a slow wip put you off. This is your warning: Mind-control and mind-control recovery, and gore, all quite explicit. If that sets you off, DO NOT READ. There’s a reason this story is so far down the list. 

Read here: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1123387/chapters/2264363

17. Distorting Equivalency [Fullmetal Alchemist]

By Ranowa Hikura

All Ed knows is that he’s been kidnapped by a madman. 

Word Count: 173,000

Status: Complete

Go hard or go home. This is 27 chapters of kidnapping, explicit torture, and unethical alchemical experimentation with chimeras. All those feelings you have about Nina? Dial it up to eleven (to point out, Tucker and Nina are not featured characters in this story - unfortunately that disaster has already happened). A hurt/comfort fic with a very good resolution. Also becomes eventual Paternal!Roy and Ed. This is your warning: If explicit, repeated torture and body horror set you off, AVOID THIS FIC. 

Read here: https://m.fanfiction.net/s/12116762/1/Distorting-Equivalency#end

18. I’m Not Broken (I Can’t Be) [Homestuck]

By [orphan_account]

Guys don’t get raped. 

Okay, so maybe they do, sometimes. But that’s only when they’re ganged up in an alley way and shoved against a wall and get some other guy’s dick in their ass without permission. It’s forceful and bloody and masculine. At least, that’s how the media sells it.

But this isn’t rape.

When a girl buys you drinks and takes you home and crawls on top of you - well, that’s every guy’s wet dream. 

When she’s grinding down onto you and her hands are holding yours to her breasts and she’s whispering filthy, filthy things into your ear, that’s not rape.

That’s not rape no matter how many times you say no.

Word Count: 33,386

Status: Complete

This is your explicit warning: Rape. The scene is non-graphic (lead-up with fade-to-black scenario) and takes place in the first chapter. Trauma, self-harm, suicidal ideation, destructive behavior, mentions of homophobia. If the summary of this story isn’t enough of a warning, then here you go. DO NOT READ if this is what sets you off. Hurt/comfort and ANGSTANGSTANGST aside, the aspect that I appreciate most about this story is how it deals with trying to come to terms with a trauma you don’t know how to articulate (to yourself or others). I don’t generally do stories that rely on miscommunication, but in this case, it makes sense: it’s less about miscommunication for the sake of plot, and more the lack of ability to articulate effectively, which. Yeah. Dark, angsty hurt/comfort that eventually ends on a positive, hopeful note. PROCEED WITH CAUTION. 

Read here: https://archiveofourown.org/works/777171/chapters/1462358?view_adult=true

DUN DUN DUN - THE BIG THREE 

Let’s call it a three-way tie, because there is SO MUCH PAIN in each of these stories, honestly I really can’t pick an order for them.

19. Sacrifices Arc [Harry Potter]

By Lightning on the Wave

Harry’s twin Connor is the Boy Who Lived, and Harry is devoted to protecting him by making himself look ordinary. But certain people won’t let Harry stay in the shadows...

Word Count: 3,081,000

Status: Complete

Wrong Boy Who Lived. Severitus, Slytherin!Harry. Drarry. If those are on your radar, this may be the story for you. Just beware literally everything else. Torture, mind-control and manipulation, child abuse, emotional abuse, physical abuse, mental abuse, neglect, rape, cannibalism (is it cannibalism when it’s a werewolf eating a human child), trauma, destructive behavior, violent loss of limb, blood, gore, viscera, necromancy - these are just some of the explicit things that take place in the series. There are eight works in the Sacrifices Arc, and they mirror the canon Harry Potter series in that they start at mild and slightly odd and become darker and more horrifying. This is a very, very long series, and it hits a lot of milestones within the HP fandom. There are lovely moments of tenderness, the OC’s are magnificent and well-developed, and while heavy-handed from time to time, the author explores notions of morality and spends a lot of time on magical theory and world-building. If you haven’t read Sacrifices Arc and want more information, google it’s tvtropes page. I would recommend doing so just to determine whether or not the story is safe for you to read if you’re concerned about it, because there is a LOT going on. Otherwise, start with the first story in the series (“Saving Connor”) and proceed with caution. You will absolutely be wrung out before you finish.

Read here: https://m.fanfiction.net/u/895946/

20. Phantom of Truth/Shadow of a Doubt [Danny Phantom]

By HaiJu

Locked away in a secret government lab with Phantom as her subject, nothing stands between Maddie and the truth... except, perhaps, herself.

Word Count: 366,000

Status: Complete

Do you want to get fucking wrecked? Because this series will do it. Holy shit. I still can’t believe I got through it. This is so well-written and so. Fucking. Painful. The first entry in the series, Phantom of Truth, absolutely GOES THERE. The second entry is... everything that comes after. I don’t feel like it spoils anything to tell you that Maddie is not the person who captures Danny Phantom, or that she does not know he’s her son. Make of that what you will. Also, the first story does have a good resolution and does not end on a cliffhanger, so if you need to take a break after, you should. Bonding happens, and I wouldn’t call it Stockholm Syndrome, since it’s between Maddie and Danny, but I also wouldn’t say it doesn’t overlap. This story is absolute fucking angst. Shadow of a Doubt explores not only the traumatic repercussions on Maddie and Danny and their relationship, but on their friends, family, acquaintances and even enemies. There are some very good OC’s that come into play later on. You know, between all the angst and pain. Tread carefully: If you think you’ll be set off by torture and abuse, DO NOT READ THIS FIC. I cannot stress that enough. 

Read here: https://m.fanfiction.net/s/7476808/1/Phantom-of-Truth

https://m.fanfiction.net/s/9683169/1/Shadow-of-a-Doubt

[It’s worth mentioning that HaiJu has an ao3, but they haven’t finished crossposting Shadow of a Doubt to their account]

21. Like One Sundered Star Series [Homestuck]

By oriflamme

Who are these shining like one sundered star? 

[Like kindled lights in untempestuous heaven,

Fair flower-like stars or the iron foam of fight.]

———

Teenage superheroes deal with hormones, mental illness, and extremely secretive guardians in a world of Horrorterrors, giant mutant lucii, mob violence, nightmares of a past life, warring anti-heroes, and asshole carapacians. Sburb AU divergence from Real Men Wear Tights. 

Word Count: 1,712,155

Status: Complete

Welcome to the AU of an AU that did a double reach-around back into canon and became a reincarnation AU. It’s fucking excellent and also fucking traumatic. Body horror, blood and gore and viscera, torture, emotional manipulation, mind control, child abuse, emotional abuse, unhealthy coping mechanisms, attempted suicide/suicidal ideation, codependency, alcohol abuse, just to name a significant few. This is a huge pale-tango clusterfuck and it’s glorious. The world-building is insane. Richly developed OC’s, good use of languages, images that a slowly incorporated into a story of increasing breadth and complexity - and a fucking bombshell that will hit you really, really hard about midway through the story. So much pain. Again, this is another series with a tvtropes page that you should visit if you have any concerns before reading, because there is just that much going on. There are three works in this series, two are companions to the main body of work. Proceed with caution, because this will squeeze the life out of you. 

Read here: https://archiveofourown.org/series/56682

Welp.

[themonsterblogofmonsters]

Monsterblog Recommends: Legion (TV)

Previously - Monsterblog Recommends: Ben Aaronovitch’s Rivers of London 

Okay uh. So this is a hard one to rec because its weird as all shit and even watching it it doesn’t always make sense which is arguably kind of the point but its also... brainweird. 

Legion [probably spoileriffic tbh]

[the poster for the first season]

1. TRIGGER WARNINGS.

Yeah, I’m starting here with this one. I like this show a lot and I do think its a worthwhile watch but due to what they tackle it often isn’t the easiest thing to watch. This is then exacerbated sometimes by the particular style they’re using; due to the abilities of some of the characters some scenes - sometimes whole episodes - are incredibly trippy and even outright surreal and what it covers... 

Okay:

Mental health, including paranoia, schizophrenia, trauma, self-doubt, depression, suicidal ideation, attempted suicide and more.

How the above intersects with superpowers, including immoral use of psychic abilities including mental manipulation, perception alteration and mind-wiping done without consent.

Body and psychological horror, including body swapping, possession, being in another’s brain and the effects of that and perceptual alteration, as well as gore and monstrous things erupting out of a character’s body.

Perception, delusion, self-delusion and self-deception. Including in the context of sexual assault and a certain degree of entitlement and how that can cause the aforementioned sexual assault.

Sexual assault in multiple contexts, as well as a general explicitness with regards to sex and sexuality. This includes the use of powers with regards to sex, including mental powers and body-swapping powers, the latter when underage.

Use of drugs be it as proper medication, as coping mechanism, and recreationally, as well as addiction.

Unhealthy relationships and poorly negotiated relationships wherein lack of communication or vast power imbalance impacts the safety of those involved.

Death and that being physical, mental, ways in which life can continue after one form of death (i.e. loss of physical body) and how people cope with the deaths of those around them, be they friends, family or enemy.

Uncontrolled emotions with especial focus on rage, and how that can affect others when the individual angry has strong powers and lashes out with them.

It also discusses not just individual delusion, but also infectious delusion (when an idea catches on, or a behaviour), and understanding of the self. And I do mean discusses, there’s a narrator and separate scenes wherein relevant things are discussed and contrasted with the context of the episode.

Further, as I said, there’s some pretty trippy and surreal visuals at points. The use of music and visuals can sometimes be pretty jarring and upsetting. There is blood, and gore at some points, as well as death. Certain characters have powers which may be unsettling - and that’s beyond David’s own telepathic and telekinetic abilities; consider a character who cannot touch lest she swaps place with someone, or two people who are nominally one body until one of them wishes to go walkabout.

I frontload these warnings for your mental health. I know watching this show has been enjoyable but also unnerving and that is just for me. For my girlfriend it has been outright triggering at some points, though still something she enjoys intellectually. But I am warning you so you can prepare and go in informed before I even start talking about the plot and characters and why I enjoy it because some of the stuff in it may be stuff you do not want to see and yeah, this is one of those times when the warning comes before everything else because a lot of this has a direct knockon effect on other aspects of the story and the series. 

If this list alone has made you decide you don’t think you can handle this series then I do not judge you. I understand very well why you feel so. There are days when I have purposefully put off watching Legion because I know I won’t be able to handle it. 

Hit J, scroll on by on the dash, close the tab. Do not worry about reading the rest of this post.

If you’re still interested, however, read on. Due to the above, the rest is below a cut.

2. What is Legion?

It’s a show, sort of an extension of Marvel but it’s playing with mutants so it’s also not part of the MCU. It’s set ahead in time some... I think. Maybe back some. Visually it’s kind of a mix, which makes it hard to get a bead on - that kind of timeless old sci-fi/fantasy common to the original Star Trek and early comics. 

It’s about David Haller, a mentally ill mutant, and his development of his powers, his control of his powers, and how this works in concert with his mental health.

It is not clean or straightforward because mental health and coming to terms with aspects of your capabilities and your psychology is never easy and that’s before you throw in superpowers.

[Much superpowers]

3. Why I’m Recommending It.

Because it’s good. Like it’s just... I don’t wanna overstate things. But just... look at all of those triggers I listed above ^^. Look at them. Remember what I said about how I have to put off watching this show sometimes, for my mental health.

And remember that nonetheless, I come back to it, and I would recommend it.

It’s good. It digs into a lot of things and sometimes it could probably serve to provide some degree of warning about some of the shit it delves into but it often provides a weird new perspective on stuff and provides interesting information with regards to it. It encourages nuance (something I see fandom these days being all too ready to ignore and discard) and it encourages complexity of perspective, understanding and scenarios (something I see causing fandom implosion on a regular basis). It also encourages viewers to form their own opinions on events (another thing which tends to cause fandom implosion), though it does certainly guide the perspective in some scenes.

It’s also surreal and trippy as all fuck. It has a whole scene in black and white with no voices and just music, like old moving pictures before they got sound nailed. And like the music choices? Superb. The actors are also all very good, and make you buy into a lot of what is going on even when it’s weird as all balls like the finale of season 2 starting with what is basically a music video before David and the Shadow King fight in the astral plane as shown by giant cartoons in the sky.

[it’s kind of awesome]

Like I said, trippy and surreal. 

Its... it’s special, this show, because it doesn’t give a fuck while also giving plenty of fucks. It cares about getting it’s portrayal of mental health right. It cares about showing power imbalances. It cares about nuance and complexity and it cares about it’s audience enough to assume that we’re smart enough to follow along at least the bare bones of the story but also to know when context and a slight leading hand may help. 

And then it decides it doesn’t give a fuck and has weird chaotic creepy trippy surreal as balls shit as a key part of the story.

4. Spoilers and Further Points.

David Haller is Legion; the son of Professor X who is incredibly powerful but mentally in not a great place. As a baby he was possessed by the Shadow King, Amahl Farouk, an incredibly powerful and malevolent psychic who has been messing with his head since childhood. This isn’t to say, however, that all of his psychology and mental health issues are due to Farouk, plenty are pre-existing or things he did to himself in the case of certain delusions - which, yes, the story does delve into. 

In comics, David has multiple personalities in his head, each of them then controls one of his powers - and David has a lot of personalities and a lot of powers. As it is in the show, he’s not at that stage yet, though as of the end of season 2 it looks like they may be heading that way; at first they were playing more with Schizophrenia than Dissociative Identity Disorder, but with the end of season 2 they’re going the DID route more. For reference, they have asked both people with the condition and doctors who specialise in the condition for input with regards to portraying it in the series.

Uh. A lot of stuff goes unexplained. This is, so far as I can tell, on purpose. It plays more into surrealism and expecting you to simply accept the unusual than trying to explain much about the setting, scenario or even how powers work. It just... tells the story and lets you pick up the pieces as you go. This probably ties somewhat into the Interpretation & Vagueness post I made a few weeks ago - this leans into it heavily. Who is evil and who is good? Is anyone? Why did that happen? How does that even work? It doesn’t answer those questions. Instead it answers the questions “what is going on? where is this going? what is going to happen now?”

The rest it lets you wonder about, including some of the more horrifying stuff.

5. Further Reading.

So... the reason I ended up watching this show was because I was skimming through lists of new TV shows and I saw the word Legion. That’s it. I had no idea what it was, but I was curious, so I looked it up - et voila, it was what I thought it was. About Legion from the Marvel comics.

Now, I didn’t watch it because it was Marvel. I didn’t watch it because I read the relevant Marvel comics.

I watched it because when I was a teen I binge-watched the entirety of the X-Men Evolution cartoon which is on YouTube for free (or was then, it may now be one of those pay-to-watch ones) and one of the later episodes featured David. And his two secondary personalities, Lucas and Ian. David was himself, a teenage boy trying to live his life, and had no powers. Ian was a mute kid with pyrokinesis.

Lucas was a psychopathic goth telepath, telekinetic and pyrokinetic and I am a terrible person because I showed iddish bad taste and formed a crush on him.

[NO ONE JUDGE ME]

It is perhaps unsurprising that beyond just a general interest in people who’s minds I find interesting and who’s forms I find aesthetically pleasing, I retain a worrying interest in certain villains to this day. No, I will not give you a list. No, it does not include Voldemort nor any of the Death Eaters. It does however involve several characters from Gotham. 

Heres the thing, the guy they got to play David? Really not that dissimilar from the Lucas personality. Blondish hair, grey eyes, kind of elongated face:

[I’m the worst kind of sucker, I know]

So, I started watching. And it was... weird. Surreal. Odd. Didn’t always make sense. But it was interesting. It kept me engaged. I wanted to know what happened next, I wanted to understand what David could do and how he did it and so I kept watching and so I came to really really like it and so I came to rec it to you all.

And as a result, your further reading this week includes:

Watching as much of the X-men Evolution series as you can. I don’t know if it is still available on YouTube. The official channel it was on I cannot seem to find any more, however there seem to be videos of it still up from other sources and of questionable legality. It looks like it may also be available via Amazon. 

Plenty of people think this show is trashy and maybe it is, I’m probably somewhat nostalgia blinded by it, after all. But it’s a fun watch, in my opinion.

Secondly have the Wiki page for the TV series and lastly, the Wiki page for the comics character.