#i can do it i can.. i know i can i've been through worse
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You Shouldn't Be Here I NAM-GYU x reader
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˗ˏˋSUMMARY ´ˎ˗
╰┈➤ Thrown into the deadly Squid Game, the reader is shocked to find their cold and stoic boyfriend, Nam-Gyu, among the players. After barely surviving Red Light, Green Light, they reunite—but instead of relief, Nam-Gyu is furious.
˗ˏˋWARNINGS ´ˎ˗
╰┈➤ Angst to fluff, mentions of shooting, mentions of blood. Nam-Gyu is really kind of mean. Other than that there really shouldn't be anything else. ps! English is not my first language
˗ˏˋAUTHOR'S NOTE ´ˎ˗
╰┈➤ i've been CRAVING some nam-gyu angst. i feel like most of the fics i've read abt him are always super explicit, kind of making him look like a manipulative maniac who is addicted to violent sex. so i wanted to write something that still kind of shows his mean and "dickheadish" side, but also brings out the love he has for the reader.
word count: 894
You don’t know how you’re still standing.
Your legs feel weak, your body is trembling, and the sound of gunfire still rings in your ears. The first game—Red Light, Green Light—had been nothing like you imagined. You thought it was a joke at first. You thought it was some elaborate prank.
But now, all you can think about is the bodies. The way people screamed. The way the floor was painted red in an instant.
And you survived. Somehow, you survived.
You force yourself to keep moving as the remaining players shuffle back into the dormitory, but all you want to do is collapse. Your hands won’t stop shaking, and your throat is so dry it hurts.
That’s when you see him.
The moment you see Nam-Gyu standing across the dormitory, your stomach twists into a knot. He looks just as intimidating as ever—tall, broad-shouldered, and completely unapproachable, his dark eyes scanning the room with a permanent scowl. But when his gaze lands on you, that scowl hardens into something much worse.
Oh no.
You don’t even get a chance to look away before he starts moving, shoving past other contestants without a care. You shrink back, instinctively pressing yourself against the wall, heart hammering. Maybe if you keep your head down, he’ll just—
Nope.
“Are you fucking kidding me?” he hisses, voice low but sharp.
You blink up at him, heart hammering. “W-What?”
He yanks you toward the farthest corner of the room, away from prying eyes. His grip is tight, and your body is too weak to resist. The second he stops, he lets go of your wrist—only to shove your shoulder, making you stumble back a step.
“I—” You swallow, trying to find the right words, but your mind blanks under his glare.
“You didn’t tell me you were joining,” he snaps. “What the hell were you thinking?”
You hesitate, then mumble, “I… I didn’t know you’d be here.”
Nam-Gyu’s expression twists with something close to fury. “That’s not the point, idiot.” He steps closer, his presence suffocating. “You think this is some kind of a joke? Do you even understand where the hell you are?”
Your throat feels tight. “I— I didn’t have a choice.”
His scoff is sharp and cold. “Bullshit.”
Tears prickle at the corners of your eyes, but you blink them away as fast as you can. You don’t want to cry in front of him—not when he’s already looking at you like you’re pathetic.
“I thought… I thought maybe I could win,” you whisper. “You always said I was useless when it came to paying off our debt, but if I win, I—”
“You?” He cuts you off with a bitter laugh. “You think you’re gonna make it through this?” His words hit harder than you expect. “You can’t even stand up for yourself in normal life. What makes you think you’re gonna survive this?”
You flinch, tears welling up faster now. “I—I don’t know.” Your voice wobbles, and you hate how small you sound.
Nam-Gyu exhales sharply, dragging a hand down his face like he’s losing his patience. “Unbelievable,” he mutters. “Of all people, it had to be you.”
That does it. The tears spill over, and you quickly look down, ashamed. You knew he’d be mad. You knew he wouldn’t be happy to see you. But did he really have to say it like that?
Nam-Gyu lets out a sharp breath. “Oh, for fuck’s sake—”
“I—I won’t bother you,” you manage, wiping at your face with your sleeve. “If it’s such a problem, I’ll stay away. You don’t have to take care of me.”
The second the words leave your mouth, Nam-Gyu freezes. His whole body tenses like you just said something truly offensive.
“…What?” His voice is dangerously low now.
You sniffle, still not looking at him. “I get it. Worrying about me will stress you out. So I’ll stay out of your way. I promise.”
The silence that follows is suffocating. Then, in one swift movement, Nam-Gyu grabs your wrist again—gentler this time, but no less firm.
“Don’t be stupid.” His voice is quieter now, but there’s something sharp underneath it. “You think I’m just gonna let you wander around here alone? Get yourself killed?”
You hesitate. “But you—”
“I don’t care what I said,” he cuts you off, his grip tightening just slightly. “You’re not leaving my side.”
Your breath catches, but before you can process it, Nam-Gyu sighs heavily. Then, without another word, he pulls you into his chest.
You freeze.
He’s never been like this before— never let his walls down even a little. But now, with his arms around you, one hand pressing against the back of your head, you can feel it. The way his heart beats just a little too fast. The way his fingers twitch like he wants to hold on tighter.
“…Stop crying,” he mutters, though there’s no real bite in his voice anymore. “I’m not mad at you.”
That’s a lie, but somehow, you believe him anyway.
You sniffle again, gripping the front of his jacket. “You sounded mad.”
Nam-Gyu sighs again, pressing his forehead against the top of your head. “Yeah, well… you scared the shit out of me.”
It’s the closest thing to an “I care about you” that you’re ever going to get from him. And for now, it’s enough.
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Valentines dates with the ocs♡
warnings: none<3
A/N: i found some times on my breaks to write something small, I hope you'll like it! I hope you're going to have a sweet Valentines, I'm going to study with a course friend and then go fika with my best friend from high school ♡
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Silas:
This man is is sucker for dates and would have them every night if he could. Valentines day is his favorite, though, because it gives him a reason to go all out. He'd book an expensive restaurant and let you pick whatever you want from the menu. His men would be guarding every corner of the building.
"Why there are no prices in your menu? Why do you want to know the prices? Are you paying? Who am I kidding, of course you aren't. Silly thing, aren't you cute? I'm taking you out on a date, not the other way around. Pick something."
Dr Kry:
Spending valentines in a hospital is bad enough, but not being able to spend it with anyone is even worse. Dr Kry would act like your boyfriend. He'd come into the room with roses and a box of expensive chocolates and a small gift of some sort that he'd know you would appreciate.
"It's just me, unfortunately, but I hope i can make your day good enough, despite the circumstances. These chocolates, I've been told, are quite the deal. They're exclusive ones from Belgium. Cost me a bit but if they're tasty that's all that matters. And I hope you'll like the sketchbook and the pens i got you, I know how boring it can be in here sometimes. Draw me something, why don't you?"
King Edmund:
This man does not kid around when it comes to valentines day. He will gift you pearls, jewels, clothes, flowers, pets. He will shower you in all his suffocating love and if you dare to show the slightest bit of overwhelm he'll throw a tantrum. A perfect date for him would be something away from people's eyes, maybe take a trip on the royal yacht.
"It's nice to be away for a while, isn't it? Away from everyone lusting over you. Here, I can have you all to myself. I can't imagine a more perfect valentine's day. Do you like how I've decorated? Every flower in the kingdom has been cut and put in here, all for you."
Jerry:
Unlike the others, she detests Valentine's day. She doesn't believe in showing love once a year through capitalistic marketing tactics. Why should a teddy bear with an 'i love you' heart matter more than a normal teddy bear any other day of the year? Instead, she'd make Valentine's day into "your day" where you could choose a date and Jerry is not allowed to complain. This year, you've chosen a museum.
"What? No, I'm not making faces. I'm not complaining, baby, I'm just not understanding why a blob on a canvas is more popular than actual pieces of art. But if you like them, I do too."
Hedwig:
Hedwig's almost as bad as Edmund. She'll spend a fortune on gifts for you and cling onto you all day. She'll want you to match and will treat the entire day as a date. You'll go to amusement parks, cafés, restaurants, shops and eventually ending the day at her home where the two of you will have a cosy home date.
"I'm so happy, i love you so much. Valentine's day is my favorite day, did you know that? I love when people express love. And I love expressing my love for you. I'm so glad I can spend my Valentine's with you, I wouldn't want to spend it any other way."
#yandere#yandere x reader#yandere x you#yandere imagines#yandere drabbles#yandere oc x you#yandere mafia#yandere oc x reader#yandere oc#yandere doctor#yandere king#yandere female#yandere rich girl#yandere reactions
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The Road to Rome
main masterlist | ao3
pairing: marcus acacius x war prisoner!f!reader. summary: Gaul, 52 BC. Julius Caesar and his bloodthirsty army have won the final battle of the Gallic Wars atop Mont Auxois, after sieging the oppidum of Alesia for more than a month. with the war coming to a bitter end, you, the daughter of the defeated Vercingetorix of the Arverni, are taken hostage. General Acacius is tasked with bringing you to Rome, letting you believe you’ll only be an entertainment to the masses. little do you know, that’s not the case at all… author's note: well... here's my submission for @almostfoxglove angst challenge! the lovely moodboard was made by freya, and this beautiful song served as inspo too - i've included as many elements as possible from both! i know it's a beast of a oneshot, so i apologise in advance. i just couldn't stop writing. hope y'all like it, likes, comments and reblogs appreciated! <3 tags/warnings: 18+, mdni. historical accuracies and some inaccuracies. appearances of historical figures. slow burn angst (bear with me pls). enemies to lovers. explicit smut. one bed trope. sleepy shenanigans. as for the rest… creator chose not to use archive warnings, just know there’s no happy ending here. no descriptions of reader other than a female who can be carried by marcus (he's a strong boy). no age gap. wordcount: 28.1k divider by @\saradika-graphics
A chance encounter in the woods of Mont Drouot had changed the course of your life forever. Your curiosity for General Acacius had sealed your fate.
Eyeing him from the cover provided by the trees, you had aimed your arrow at him. Ever so watchful, you had listened to the nature surrounding you, alert to any signs that he might be accompanied by one of his men. Alone he had trudged forward, until his back stiffened and came to a halt.
His vacant eyes—brown like those of Baco, the Gaulish boar-God—had shot to yours through the dense vegetation. Under his intense gaze you felt paralysed for an eternal second, your skin bristling with anticipation. His head had tilted, as if he was amused with your attempt to put an end to the war the Romans had waged on Gaul.
Steeling yourself, you had briefly looked down to the arrow’s point, slotting it in position. But the moment you glanced up, Acacius was gone, vanished like an anima haunting the realm of the living.
That had been your first mistake — not killing the Roman General right there and then. His death would not have stopped Julius Caesar from showering death upon your tribesmen, but it might have had set him back enough for your people to reconvene.
Your second mistake had happened soon after the first. Another fortuitous meeting, one where you had been at his mercy. You had fallen down a hole dug up in the side of the mountain, set by the Romans in the hope of some easy food. Acacius had found you with a twisted ankle, trying to crawl your way out of the pit. He had dropped a rope, which you tied around your waist, and lifted you up. The moment you set foot on the cushioned ground, you feared the worst, but he let you go without a word nor warning.
Your third mistake had been seeking him out in the battle that unfolded on Mont Auxois, near the Gallic oppidum of Alesia. The culmination of an eight-year long feud between Julius Caesar and your father, Vercingetorix of the Arverni. Had you refrained from your compulsion, you would have died a warrior’s death alongside your comrades.
But Acacius had intervened in the nick of time, right when one of the Roman legionnaires was about to behead you as you stood mighty and proud.
“Don’t. She’ll be useful,” he had said, tone gravelly with apathy.
Those words still rang in your ears. How badly you wished he hadn’t stepped in — for the alternative was way worse than death itself.
And now here you were, tied to a wooden post outside of the Roman camp. Men eyed you from a distance — some lewd gazes, others with a disgusted look. In return, you straightened your back, bestowing haughtiness upon your posture. It didn’t matter how desperate your situation was, you would affront your future with the arrogance they all deserved.
You paid them no mind, undeserving they were of your attention. Instead, you blindly patted the dirt around the post, grabbing a flat stone. Cupping it between your hands, you twisted it around until its sharpest edge met the rope and slowly worked at it to free yourself.
One of the Romans walked by your side, followed by another. He stared at you with disdain, with a superiority you knew was lacking. Your hands stopped, worried they would see what you were trying to do.
“Gaulish bitch,” he sneered, teeth bare. “You’re nothing more than a stray dog and as such should be put down. Your brutish people deserved what they got, crushed by the Roman yoke. You’ll yield or you’ll die.”
When he sniffled and hollowed his cheeks, you knew what was to come. You turned your face the moment he spat in your direction, his nauseating saliva skidding down the skin on your right cheek. Slowly you veered your head his way, eyes devoid of emotion, while a smile crept up on your mouth.
Fast as thunder, you swung your bound feet under him, causing him to fall to the boggy ground in the blink of an eye. He snarled like the animal he was, hands deep in the mud that he unburied to reach for your ankle. Before he could, you kicked him in the face with your bare heel.
Your heart was pounding so wildly, the adrenaline rushing through your veins like wildfire consuming a forest, anticipating their every move. You glanced up at the other man, his fist coming down quickly towards your face. You swiftly dodged the blow, his hand hitting the wooden post. The second man started howling in pain, all caused by his own doing.
You couldn’t help but cackle loudly.
“Is this what you mean by the Roman yoke? You pathetic, little men,” you mocked them, fearless. “Is this all you got?”
As they stood up, your heart came to a standstill. Not because of terror, but because all your senses had sharpened. You were overly aware of everything around you, of them too. Your fingers resumed their doing, slashing the rope that tethered your hands to the wooden post.
You would never fold, never let them see the anger that brewed inside you. Your family had taught you better and you would never tarnish their memory by succumbing to two trivial men. No matter the outcome.
“What is going on here?” his voice stopped the commotion before it escalated any further.
A voice you could recognise anywhere, even though the first time you actually ever heard it was on the battlefield, barking orders like the General he was.
Slowly you looked up at General Acacius, eyes squinting with defiance. He towered above you, but his attention was directed at the two men. His arms folded at chest level, a cocked brow staring them down. He exuded imposingness, as if he was highborn. There was something about his posture, the way he carried himself, that made you swallow hard to dissolve the lump in your throat.
“Are you deaf?” he insisted when the two apes didn’t respond.
“General, the prisoner was provoking us for no particular reason,” the one who tripped with your feet lied.
Another laugh escaped your lips, face tilted up to the cloudy sky. The fucking audacity these men had was ridiculous. Being born in a society where men and women were equal, you almost found amusing their piteous attempts at belittling you.
“Oh, fuck me. Do you truly believe I would talk to any of you of my own accord? It’s like talking to pigs,” you sneered, rolling your eyes.
The two men began talking loudly and rapidly, pointing at you while their angry tone grew and grew. You understood Latin, but when they screamed like pigs in the slaughter, they stopped making any sense.
“Silence,” Acacius ordered, one steady hand extended in front of him with the palm facing downwards. “This is not how we treat our prisoners, not under my command. I was watching you both as you approached her, do not take me for a fool,” he kept on berating them.
They took a step back, brows knitting together and eyes averted with shame. It was obvious that Acacius was way above them and were embarrassed to be caught in a lie.
“Be gone now. I don’t want you anywhere close to her,” he barked, the extended hand now pointing to the forest’s boundary. “You will be standing guard tonight, the whole night.”
Then they both glanced at you, pupils blown with anger. As they walked away, you gifted them with a haughty smirk. One of them turned around—ready to hit you, you presumed—but the second man held him back and pushed him towards the trees.
When you canted your head, grin still painted on your lips, you realised Acacius was studying you intensely, as if he was trying to dive into the windows to your soul. The smile was quickly replaced with a pout and a frown when he crouched down in front of you, elbows resting on his knees.
“Men do not like it when a woman is confrontational. You would do well if you toned it down,” he offered his unrequited advice calmly, the drawl of his voice weirdly… soothing.
“Fragile men, you mean,” you corrected him, straightening your posture and lifting your chin up.
Unexpectedly, Acacius cracked a tiny smile, one corner of his mouth slightly curving.
“Yes, fragile men. There are many of them around here, so be careful,” he conceded, the half-smile lingering.
“Many of you, you mean,” you pushed the limits because you didn’t know any better.
Acacius let out a chuckle, shaking his head. It transformed his features, softening the deep wrinkles that scored his sun-kissed skin. His head had tilted to one side, his warm brown eyes locked in on yours — and then you felt it again, your body taut, your skin bristling. The intensity of his gaze almost felt like a thunder hitting you right in the centre of your chest, leaving you gasping for air.
Suddenly, his hand reached for your face, and you tried to lean back away from his touch, for your head to hit the wooden post behind. You scowled, uncertain of what he was about to do, but that didn’t stop him.
With his thumb ghosting your cheek, his eyes searched for yours — an unspoken permission. Acacius took your silence as an affirmation, and then his thumb brushed your skin, cleaning the spit off your cheek.
The delicate gesture took you aback, unsure of why he would show you such care. The contact of his thumb on your skin was thrilling, a strange sensation crawling up your spine all the way up to the nape of your neck. Your skin bristled even more to the point of pain, as if you had been thrown in an icy lake, and your breaths quickened.
You didn’t like this — the power his body emanated; the power he had on you.
“Why haven’t you killed me?” you spat out, erasing the remnants of softness from his face in an instant, the blanket of war cascading down his expression.
Whatever gentleness you had thought to see in his orbs, was gone now.
“I am awaiting Caesar’s verdict. There are other prisoners—”
“Others? Who?” you pressed, your heart racing now at the possibility of not being the only survivor.
“A few men. Including Vercingetorix of the Arverni,” his words dragged, his eyes watching you closely.
You couldn’t stop the way your body stiffened at the discovery of your father being alive. Your pupils had widened, and your heartrate had spiked even more.
“Vercingetorix?” you asked, wanting confirmation that your mind was not playing games on you.
Acacius nodded slowly, his brows slightly touching each other, eyes squinting.
“Do you know him personally?”
“No,” you replied quickly. Too quickly.
Your heart would not stop pumping, so hard you could feel your heartbeat on your temples now. You tried taming your expression, forcing yourself to calm down and pretend that the news of Vercingetorix’s capture didn’t faze you at all.
“You’ve got the same eyes,” Marcus thought out loud, scratching his stubble absentmindedly.
“No, we don’t,” you blurted out, your throat squeezing.
The man was like a hound with a chewed bone. You could see he was not going to let it go so easily — he knew you were lying. His eyes squinted and then clicked his fingers, the cracking sound momentarily distracting as you focused on his hands.
Big as paws, so broad he could easily wrap them around…
Focus.
“Why didn’t you kill me when I fell in your hunting trap?” you attempted to divert his attention from the issue at hand. “Or are you a really shitty hunter, letting your prey go so easily?”
Marcus’ brow furrowed even deeper, and you wondered if he would bite the bait. You couldn’t have him asking any more questions or he would find out the truth.
Or were you too late for that? You could only imagine what the Romans would do if they discovered you were Vercingetorix’s daughter. They would use you in despicable ways to get your father to bend to their will. As fierce as your father was, he had a tender spot for you. If he knew you had survived and been taken hostage, Vercingetorix would try to strike a deal to cut you lose.
But it would be in vain — Rome was thirsty for blood.
“You could say my hunting days are long gone. I don’t enjoy the thrill of the chase anymore,” he bluntly responded, towering above you as he stood up. “Get some rest if you can.”
“Easier said than done when I have to watch my back at all times,” you sneered, rolling your eyes.
Because if you fell asleep, your guard would be down. And you didn’t trust those two men — you knew, saw in their eyes, that they would come back for payback.
Acacius gifted you with a stern look, all the previous softness and nonchalance forgotten. This was the General you had gotten a glimpse of in the battlefield. One, you suspected, that knew more about you than you wanted. One that wouldn’t stop until he uncovered the truth of your ancestry.
Without any other word, General Acacius turned around and disappeared behind the bright red flap of a tent.
You couldn’t just wait around to see what would happen. You had to break free, or they would kill you. Or worse, use you as leverage.
With renewed strength and determination, you resumed the slicing of the rope that bound you to the post.
“How sure are you of your suspicions, Acacius?”
He had debated whether to speak of his conjecture or not. Nothing should hold him back from sharing an inkling with his old friend. If he was right, then they could get Vercingetorix to finally surrender the last enclaves of the Gauls — the bastard had not spoken one word since his capture. The war would be over, and he could return home.
So, if this was the right thing to do, why was he now doubting himself?
Your blown pupils still haunted him, the way you whispered “no, we don’t” in a hush when questioned about the shade of your eyes. As soon as your expression faltered, Marcus knew he was onto something. And he hated himself for it — for not being in a position of freedom where he could just pretend he hadn’t heard the fleeting panic in your voice.
Marcus wished he could lie to Julius Caesar; say he might have misinterpreted the signals. But he couldn’t — he was indebted to the man in front of him. Marcus owed Julius his life and loyalty for taking him under his wing and giving him the chance to make a name for himself when no one believed in a puny farmer boy from the countryside.
Thanks to his friend and his own hard work, Marcus had climbed up the military ladder, having been decorated with the title of General ten years ago. Marcus had many victories under his belt, having proved his worth with sweat, tears and blood.
“I am positive she is Vercingetorix’s daughter, Caesar,” he ended up answering, straightening his back. “I went to pay him a visit. The moment I described her, his expression flinched. It’s her.”
“You have questioned the man yourself?” Caesar asked with a smirk, lazily resting on the chaise lounge. He nodded in reply. “Hope you’ve beaten him good.”
Acacius was not one to resort to unnecessary violence if he could avoid it. There was enough blood on his hands as it was, didn’t need another notch on his conscience. So, when he visited the Gaulish chief, Marcus only used carefully delivered words to disarm his enemy. It had worked, because even if Vercingetorix hadn’t said a word, his reaction was all confirmation he needed.
He didn’t reply, standing tall in front of Caesar with his hands laced on his back, waiting to be discharged so he could call it a night and get some rest.
“We’ll use her as leverage,” his friend thought out loud.
Dread sank to the bottom of his stomach. Caesar could be… awfully creative sometimes.
His thirst for power, for notoriety, was very well known among the political sphere that surrounded Rome. Caesar had amassed gold and immense power over the last six years on Gaulish land. Julius had told Marcus in the past that this seemed to worry his allies in the First Triumvirate. With Crassus’ death last year, it was only Caesar and Pompeius Magnus who kept the political alliance intact.
But Marcus knew Julius wanted more — he’d heard his friend spoke of future plans that could hinder the Roman Republic. Those talks strayed far from what Marcus thought Caesar stood for, but they were more recurrent now, bordering on coup ideology.
Where Marcus would stand when, or if, that time came… He wasn’t so sure. He’d supported Caesar in so many of his quests and conquests, it would feel like a betrayal to the only man who believed in him.
Perhaps it’ll never come to that, he always reminded himself.
“Leverage? How so?” Marcus forced his voice to sound flat, uninspired, when, in reality, an uncomfortable feeling settled in his tummy.
“Glad you asked, Acacius,” Caesar’s smirk only reinforced his fear. “Since Crassus’ death last year, I fear my alliance with Pompeius Magnus might suffer. Although I trust my sister Julia will keep him bound and loyal, I need to ensure more allies and reinforce the ones I already have,” his friend explained, sitting up on the chaise lounge. “You are to bring the hostage to Rome. We’ll marry her off to General Marcus Antonius’ brother, Gaius.”
Dread mutated within him, rage taking over.
If there ever was a man to walk this earth whom Marcus despised, that was Gaius Antonius. One year younger than his notorious brother, the man was as despicable as one could get. A drunk philanderer, Gaius could always be found in one of two places: in a private house drinking himself to death and gambling, or in a brothel satiating his lust. The man’s manners were lacking, his ill fame well-deserved. Always so confrontational, looking for a fight to entertain himself.
Everything Marcus hated culminating in one singular person. The times they had run into each other, Gaius had always been so condescending that Marcus had to rein in the need to gut him right there and then. Antonius’ younger brother had mocked him for his humble origins, telling Marcus it didn’t matter how hard he tried, he’d always be a farmer.
So delivering a woman—any woman—to that shitbag of a man… it didn’t sit well with him at all. It would be a life sentence for you — because if you didn’t die at Gaius’ hands, you might as well wish for a quick death.
And what was worst, Caesar knew all of this, but still asked anyway.
A true friend wouldn’t, Marcus ruminated but drowned such treacherous thought.
“That would take weeks, General. With all due respect, I’ve got other responsibilities that—” Marcus started his plea, hoping to be released from such a mission.
“You’re the only man I trust, Acacius. I wouldn’t ask otherwise,” Caesar cut him off, standing up in front of him. One of his friend’s hands landed on his shoulder, gently squeezing. “I confide this assignment to you because I know you’ll get it done. Your word, Acacius?”
Marcus was between a rock and a hard place. Fear gripped him tight, his throat running dry with unspent poison pooling on his tongue.
He didn’t want to do it. But there was no way out.
“My word, Caesar,” he husked, slightly bowing his head down.
The agreement that would seal his fate.
“Why the long face, Acacius?” Antonius taunted him as he bit into the meat gripped between his fingers, the bloody juices running down his wrist and forearm. “You’ll get enough gold to retire after your mission, Caesar always pays.”
Payment was not an incentive for Marcus. He’d never wished for fortune nor recognition. He had enough money to live comfortably, a modest home where he could wind down and recover from the consequences of war. He didn’t fight for money — he fought for conviction, for the glory of Rome, for what he thought was right.
Or, at least, that was what originally had him enrol in the legion. After over two decades of bloodshed, Marcus had had his eyes open, his stance not as clear anymore. War had changed him, for better or worse. He didn’t regret his achievements, but the lives he had to saw to get where he now was.
His young self had been blind to the crude reality of war, eager to prove himself a worthy warrior. Now, with a few souls on his back and dirty hands, Marcus saw the events of his life under a different light.
“Not all of us are motivated by coin,” Marcus grunted, leaving the empty goblet on the makeshift table. “Some of us are happy with what we’ve got.”
“That’s the old you speaking, Acacius,” Antonius cackled, palming the wooden table. “You’re so righteous sometimes, it pains me.”
Marcus didn’t reply, chewing his dried bread until his jaw hurt, a dull ache shooting up to his cheeks.
It didn’t feel that way sometimes — righteousness seemed to evade him now. Because if he was certain of his own morality, he wouldn’t go through with the mission Caesar had bestowed upon him. He wouldn’t deliver you like cattle to the slaughter. Your destiny—your defeat, watching your people perish at the mercy of a Roman sword—seemed punishment enough.
But he truly didn’t see this panning out any other way. In the grand scheme of things, Marcus was just another pawn in an intricate plan he was not apprised of. Despite his station, he still had to follow orders. Disobeying them—or worse, interfering—would have him dead before dawn cracked in the horizon.
Getting killed over a stranger—an enemy—seemed ludicrous. Everything he had worked so hard for, for naught. There was no room for kindness in the midst of war.
“If you’ll excuse me, General, I shall retire to my tent,” Marcus excused himself, getting up off the bench. “Vale (farewell), Antonius.”
Marcus made his way through the camp, fires lit with legionnaires around them, sharing old wives’ tales and anecdotes from battles, their yearnings and hopes for the future. For being late, the encampment was still very much alive, the quiet chatter filtering through the smoke-dense air.
Trudging on, his tired muscles begged him for a break. War was relentless, hard on the body and the mind. But no matter how fatigued he was, Marcus couldn’t get a good night’s sleep. Although the war appeared to have come to an end, the thought of being on his enemy’s backyard was still present on his foremind.
As he walked past the post you were tied to, something caught his attention. Frowning, Marcus came to a halt, head slightly tilted with suspicion — a tingling sensation on his neck alerting of something out of place.
No, not something. Someone. Because when he looked in your direction, you were not there.
Marcus approached the empty spot and kneeled, finding that the ropes that kept you bound had been severed. His hand palmed the poorly lit ground, finding a sharp stone.
“Fuck,” he gritted out, standing up and flagging down a passing archer. “Give me that.”
The moment you saw Marcus distractedly saunter towards you, a rush of energy bloomed within you. It was now or never.
No one was coming to rescue you, because there was no one left to pick up the dusty sword of freedom. Waiting was pointless, so you had to take matters into your own hands.
When the last thread of the rope that bound you was cut loose, you crawled through the mud and ran for your life towards the forest. Barefoot, tired and thirsty, lungs burning now, you kept on running without looking back. Branches brushed against your skin, slicing your face, arms and legs. Spikey stones stabbed your soles, but that didn’t stop you either.
“Halt!”
The steadfast command almost made you obey the order. But doing so would mean going back to being a hostage at the mercy of men who had higher praise for sheep than women. Death was the least of your worries — and you would not suffer at the hands of cruel tyrants.
A quick glance over your shoulder confirmed that General Acacius was catching up with you, fast as a wolf stalking its prey. Despite the ache, the agony, you pushed forward, dodging trees and bushes in an attempt to lose him. These were your woods, the land you had grown up on, and as such you knew them like the palm of your hand. A few more minutes and you would reach a low cliff overlooking the river Oze. Just as you had done in your youth, you would jump in and let the current take you as far away as possible.
“Stop, dammit! Don’t make me shoot you an arrow!”
The warning in his now breathless voice made you look back again, realising that Acacius had a bow with him.
Panic started bubbling in your chest, adrenaline taking over your bloodstream like lava. Strained lungs and with your heart pounding in your throat, you focused on the path ahead, your feet rushing under you like thunder.
The whistling hiss of an arrow flew by your ear, kissing your cheek and drawing blood.
But that didn’t stop you, running as fast as your feet would take you. Focused on the path ahead, ignoring Acacius’ warnings, you glimpsed a clearing in the trees. Your freedom was close, just a few yards away the small cliff greeted you like your own personal salvation. So close, you could almost see the darkness spilling over the precipice.
You were going to make it — freedom tasting sweet on your tongue, despite the blood dripping onto your lips from the cut on your cheek.
As you leaped towards the abyss, another buzzing sound flew towards you. This time the arrow found its target, sinking in the back of your right shoulder as you plunged into the void underneath screaming in agony.
Dark water swallowed your body as you plummeted to the riverbed. The current was strong and unforgiving due to the latest torrential rains, battering you around and slamming your body against the hard edges of the rocky bottom. Your back hit a boulder rather harshly, your lungs vacating the little oxygen they held into the stream.
This was how you were going to die after all — not on the battlefield, not at your enemy’s mercy, but taken by the goddess Nantosuelta herself. The blurry lines of your vision began collapsing as your mind drifted away, eyes shutting and limbs limp floating around you.
Something surrounded your waist like a vine, but instead of pushing you further down, it pulled you up until your head breached the surface. The cold air kissed your face, and you coughed to clear your airways, water spilling over your lips in spurts.
“Hold onto me!” General Acacius shouted at you, gripping you closer to his broad frame.
You blinked, confused at first. Then it hit you: the Roman General had jumped after you, dragging you out of the bottom of the river. He was trying to save you from drowning, even if that meant dying with you.
Still feeling dizzy, muscles unresponsive, you managed to drape one arm around his neck whilst Acacius battled with the current. It was only ten minutes, but to you it felt like an eternity — you both went under a couple of times, but Acacius never let you go, his arm hugging you tight like a vice.
Finally, General Acacius hauled you out. You both fell to your knees as soon as you reached the shore. Having gulped down at least a pint of water, you heaved and retched until the burning sensation travelling up your throat was unbearable.
Then you dropped to one side, curled up on the river’s edge. Exhaustion coursed through your body from head to toes while your breathing calmed down. Acacius was besides you, sitting back on his heels with a bewildered look.
“Why… did you… save me?” you managed to slur some words together.
His expression softened, running a hand down his tired face.
“I don’t know,” he husked out. “I couldn’t let you die.”
His features folded as soon as he spoke the last words, avoiding your eyes. He couldn’t let you die this way, you assumed he meant, implying he was willing to let you die a different way.
“You’re bleeding,” he changed subjects, pointing to the arrowhead sticking out just above your clavicle.
“I wonder whose fault that is,” you sneered, sitting up on the ground.
The reality was you didn’t feel the pain. Your body had gone into overdrive, focusing your remaining energy on keeping you alive.
“I told you I’d shoot, and you didn’t listen,” Acacius grunted, dragging his knees towards you. “Let me see.”
Not having the mental capacity to retort back, you let him inspect the wound, his wet fingers carefully caressing the bloody skin around the wooden shaft.
“It’s gone through cleanly. I’m going to snap the arrowhead so you don’t hurt yourself. Ready?” He didn’t give you much time to process his words, because soon enough he did exactly as he told you.
Through gritted teeth, you hissed in pain, jaw clenching so hard you might break a tooth.
“You bastard,” you sneered, but your animosity didn’t make him flinch.
In any case, he was closer than he was before. His wet silvery curls dripped onto your tilted face as you looked up at him with anger lighting your eyes.
“I need to remove the shaft too but can’t do it here, you’ll bleed out. I need to stitch you up as soon as it’s out,” Acacius spoke calmly, ignoring the fury simmering in your face.
The walk back to the Roman camp was excruciating. Pain shot from your shoulder in all directions, but you pushed through it. Acacius had a tight grip around your waist as you hugged his shoulders to stand up, keeping you close to him, his hand laced with yours.
Luckily, no one was there to see your rather pathetic entrance. You only crossed paths with a couple of legionnaires who nodded in acknowledgement to Acacius, and soon after that he directed you to a tent.
Once inside, you stood in the middle of it awkwardly. The red textile walls were bright, but the rest of the decoration was spartan. A bed that would barely fit two people, a wooden trunk with a lit candle as a nightstand, a wonky dresser, two chairs and a couple of chests. There was a small cauldron in the middle of the room which had red embers in it, its warmth spilling into the space.
What caught your attention was that there were no personal effects in sight. This could perfectly be the sleeping quarters of a low rank soldier, and you wondered if Acacius had mistaken his tent for someone else’s.
“Take a seat,” he pointed towards one the chairs.
You were so knackered, you happily obliged, letting yourself fall onto the chair. You were drenched, your leather garments soaked and heavy, but still didn’t feel the snappy cold bite your skin.
Your gaze tracked Acacius as he ambled towards one of the chests. But you quickly looked away when he undid the knots that kept his chestplate in place. The clink of metal told you he was getting rid of the top part of his armour.
Despite your efforts, curiosity won. In the corner of your eye, you saw his bare back — his back muscles undulating under his damp skin, shoulders flexing as he pulled the linen shirt over his head. His waist was sculpted, slightly thinner than his chest. Two pronounced dimples on his lower back distracted you from the battle scars dotted around his frame.
Enemy or not, the man was a treat. You’d have to be blind to say otherwise.
Unfortunately for you, Acacius didn’t turn around — just opened the chest, rummaged through it and fished a fresh linen shirt that quickly covered his body. The damp skirt remained though, and you guessed the General was not as comfortable with you in the tent.
Acacius veered towards the dresser, going through the contents of the first drawer and leaving different items on top. When he turned around to face you, he was holding a bottle of wine that he extended towards you.
You blinked at him blankly.
“Removing the shaft is going to hurt like hell. The alcohol will numb your senses and if you’re lucky enough, you might not feel too much pain,” Acacius explained while you grabbed the bottle, cocking a mighty brow.
“So, you want me drunk. Here, alone with you,” your words dragged, hinting at your distrust. “It’s only fair if you get drunk too.”
Acacius huffed and puffed, sitting beside you on the empty chair, and stole the bottle from your grasp, the cork stopper flying.
“So untrusting. If I hurt you while patching you up, then don’t complain,” he grunted before bringing the bottle to his lips.
You were momentarily mesmerised by the bobbing of his Adam’s apple. His neck was thick and chiselled, stubble covering his jaw. You wondered if it would be prickly to the touch, your fingers testing the girth of his neck.
To suffocate him, obviously — nothing else.
“I’ll take my chances,” you retorted, shrugging. The slight movement of your shoulders made you grimace. “Pass me that.”
Minutes went by as you and Acacius shared the wine, taking turns on emptying the bottle. He didn’t say a word, and you guessed he wasn’t a big talker. You were comfortable with silence, but a doubt nagged at you.
There had to be a reason for his rescuing. Why would he risk his life to save yours otherwise? If he thought you were nothing, no one of relevance, he should have let you drown. But he hadn’t, and you doubted it had been out of pure altruism. Acacius didn’t know you at all except for the few exchanges you had had in the past. You were even — you hadn’t killed him in the woods, and in return he had dug you out of the hole you fell into.
“Has Caesar come to a decision about me?” you blurted out, the only explanation for you to be here right now, alive.
Acacius gave you a long look, his hand quick to rob you of the alcohol. His eyes remained locked with yours as he drank. The void in his orbs was pretty telling, but you needed confirmation from him — confirmation that you had said too much when he mentioned your father. That you fucked up.
“I spoke to your father,” Acacius drawled, studying your expression. There was no point in denying what was obvious, so you didn’t interrupt. “He didn’t sell you out, but it was pretty obvious I was onto something when I started talking about you.”
“Have you tortured him?” you voiced your worry, brows pinching.
The General slouched back, almost as if he was offended by your question. You had seen the aftermath of their grilling — broken fingers, dislocated jaws, bent-backwards knees. It wasn’t wrong of you to assume the worst of him.
“No,” he responded flatly, drinking again and passing the bottle. “Caesar has decided a new future for you. You are to be brought to Rome. You’ll come with me.”
Your heart literally stopped beating. If it wasn’t for the wine already working its magic, you might have stood up and emptied the bottle on his face. But you didn’t — instead, you glanced at him, lips pressed contemptuously.
“And what will I be doing there, dare I ask? Are you going to throw me in a cage and parade me around town like an animal so your citizens can look at a savage eye to eye?” you sneered, grabbing the bottle to quench your rage.
If you hadn’t closed your eyes, you might have seen the guilt flashing on his eyes. But you didn’t, too focused on drowning your mind so you wouldn’t think about what the future laid ahead.
“Your father will be going too,” he offered as consolation.
Your eyes did spark up at him, the idea of seeing your father one last time somewhat calming.
“Will he be coming with us?” you ventured, your hopes too quick to rise.
“No, he’s a bigger risk. A small entourage will accompany him,” he answered, fingers curling in your direction in a silent plea to give him the wine.
“Oh,” you didn’t hide your disappointment.
You handed him the alcohol and his fingers lingered around yours for a second. Perhaps it was the wine, but you caught sadness in the way his eyes watched you. Pity, probably, conscious of what your life might look like in a few weeks’ time.
“We’ll be going alone. I trust that the thought of your father’s wellbeing will deter you from trying to escape. Otherwise, I’d have to chain you and it’s not something I’d like to do,” Acacius grumbled, voice slightly slurred.
So your father’s life depended on you — on obediently following this man to your enslavement. Life was fucking cruel, but you would never be the reason for your father’s death, of that much you were sure. There wasn’t much of a decision to make there.
“Alright,” you mumbled back, straightening your back. “When are we leaving?”
“Tomorrow at the crack of dawn,” Acacius tilted his head towards you, a downcast expression eagerly studying yours.
Silence fell like a blanket again, each of you immersed in your own thoughts. When the bottle finally ran out, Acacius got up and walked towards the dresser, collecting the items he’d placed on top of it. His stance was not as firm anymore — shoulders relaxed, feet slightly wobbly thanks to the alcohol flushing his system.
“Are you ready?” he asked, dragging his chair towards you once he sat back down.
You nodded, stiffening your posture. You prayed the wine worked its miracle.
Marcus could tell how drained you were by the end of it. His hand had not been the most stable, considering the amount of grape juice he had chucked down. He regretted drinking so much, but was able to stitch you up in the end. Not his best work, but it would do, keeping the wound close to avoid infection.
Your head tipped, and Marcus was quick enough to hold your forehead so you wouldn’t fall forward. He wasn’t sure if you were drowsy because of the alcohol, the pain or because your body finally left its alertness state, or a combination of it all. What he did know though was that you needed some rest.
He wasn’t as heartless as you thought — couldn’t bring himself up to drag you outside and tie you to the wooden post again. Not when he suspected the two men would come back for payback.
Without many more options, Acacius scooped you up from the chair, careful not to wake you, and laid you down on his bed. You immediately sighed with relief when your frame sank in the straw mattress, engulfing you in its warmth. You nuzzled his pillow, inhaling deeply before your pinched brow smoothed out.
You looked so different when you slept. Your hair covering your face, long eyelashes kissing your cheeks and your mouth slightly agape, taking in soft breaths. Younger too, although Marcus believed you both were around the same age. Perhaps you were older than him, considering how weathered his golden skin had become under the scorching sun for years.
He hated himself for omitting the truth, for not telling you what would be of you once in Rome. Marcus let you believe that you would be a slave, an entertainment to the crowds, but your reality would be much more darker than that. He didn’t know you, but could safely bet that you would strongly object to being married off as a war trophy. Anyone would.
Were you married? He scanned your fingers from the distance but saw no wedding band. Perhaps it wasn’t common in your culture to wear one.
Marcus frowned — despite having lived on this land for over a lustrum, he didn’t really know much about its inhabitants and your customs. Though he wasn’t here to make allies, but to destroy the life you and your ancestors had built.
He’d never thought of it that way, always pushing such logic aside so he could do his job. As Caesar would say, “Veni, vidi, vici.” It was fucking cruel, an injustice really, but his hands were as tied as yours.
Eventually Marcus drifted off to an uncomfortable sleep, almost falling from the chair twice before he hauled over one of the chests to prop his legs up.
He’d close his eyes for a second, just to recharge for a bit, then would stand guard the rest of the night to assure your safety — and captivity.
“Acacius,” something tugged at the linen of his shirt, and his eyes slowly fluttered open. “It’s dawn.”
The words seemed to come from far away, not registering on his mind. He hmphed and shut his eyes again, knackered from a restless night. Five more minutes, that was all he needed.
“Oi, hey!”
A slap on his shoulder startled him awake, sitting up on the chair instantly as he quickly scanned the room — a throbbing headache haunting him.
Then he saw you, sat on his bed with your feet dangling from the edge, an inquisitory glance shot his way.
“Fuck,” he groaned, realising he’d fallen asleep for longer than intended. “Shouldn’t have drunk so much,” he muttered, pinching the bridge of his aquiline nose.
“If it’s any consolation, I’m no better,” you hushed, watching him intently. “But the wound seems to be healing alright.”
Marcus straightened up, pulling his chair closer, hand reaching for your shoulder in unspoken permission. You slid down the neck of your leather garment, showing him the injury. His fingertips teased around the laceration, and under his touch you shivered.
He quickly removed his hand; afraid his caress was doing more harm than good.
“Sorry. It’s a bit inflamed but otherwise seems fine.”
You nodded in mute reply.
At the same time both of you stood up — so close, you bumped into each other. Marcus almost kicked you off your feet and you tumbled back. Before you fell back onto the bed, Marcus grabbed your forearm and pulled, crashing you against his chest.
The sudden proximity brought with it your scent — earthy cinnamon with a floral hint, sweet and musky. Marcus couldn’t control the need to inhale, to take you in for a brief instant. He hadn’t let himself be close to anyone in a very long while, not when war was at the forefront of his mind. Simply didn’t have the time, always busy with battles, training or strategizing for what was next.
Your closeness briefly reminded him of a life he once yearned for. To settle down, to marry, to have a family — his kids waiting for his arrival, hugging his legs while he patted their heads in loving reassurance. But when the opportunity of proving himself worthy knocked at his door, he seized it and parked his other desires, incapable of seeing a way to reconcile those two very different lives.
Why had your mere presence suddenly unearthed those thoughts? He was only curious about you, knew perfectly what his role was — your captor, the one in charge of delivering you like cargo to another man, one he despised.
Marcus forced himself take a step back, avoiding your inquisitive gaze, letting go of your forearm and turning around in haste.
“We’ll only bring what’s necessary,” he husked out, busy with stuffing the saddlebags.
“Uhm, okay…”
Your lower back hurt. Your thighs far stretched over the horse’s back, a stinging pain pooling on your crotch. Your ass was sore due to the gentle yet constant bouncing.
You had been riding for three days. The ascent on horseback to the height of the Alps was draining. Cold, icy air bit your skin, the leather skins Acacius had secured not enough to keep the freezing temperatures away. Last night a blizzard almost wiped you out off the face of the Earth. The temperatures had dropped so much, you couldn’t help yourself but curl up against Acacius at night in an attempt to keep your body as warm as possible. He’d huffed in reply, but didn’t push you away.
Today you had only stopped at dusk after Acacius spent at least an hour finding the right spot — away from prying eyes, from a possible ambush. He did well on keeping clear of crowded paths, so well you had not seen another soul in the last seventy-two hours.
If you had a small hope of someone rescuing you, it was now dwindling. And even if that happened, you couldn’t just leave your father to his fate. So despite how many times that delusional scene played in your mind, you knew you just couldn’t act on it. You had surrendered to your destiny, whatever it was.
“We’ll set up camp here for the night,” Acacius gritted out, the first words he had spoken to you since dawn reddened the sky this morning.
He’d been given you the silence treatment since your departure three days ago, got even worse since last night. As much as you tried to discern the reason for his taciturnity, your mind ended up going back to the moment he held you close to his chest. To how your body pressed against his as both of you tried to get some rest.
Had he also felt the rushing of blood pumping on his eardrums? Had he also gotten goosebumps? Had his breath also hitched in the back of his throat?
Did he or was it only you? You’d never know. The man had become an icy wall — one you couldn’t penetrate, no matter how much you poked at it. You talked and talked to fill the silence, and his only answers were “hmm” to show disagreement and “mhm” to say yes. At one point you grew tired of his muteness and gave up altogether.
It was almost as if Acacius was unhappy to be there, as if you dragged him there when it was all the way around.
“You know, you could’ve just asked somebody else to take me to Rome. It’s not like I forced you to be here. Rather the opposite,” you gritted out, huffing and puffing while grabbing one end of the flat tent to start building it.
As expected, he just ignored you, helping out from the other end of the tent as you worked together to erect it. Grabbing a rock, you hammered the last iron spike to the ground, testing the tension of the rope.
“I didn’t have a choice,” he gritted out, crouching to go through one of the saddlebags and handed you a piece of dried meat.
You squatted down too and accepted the offering, chewing away and mildly wincing, the saltiness upsetting your tastebuds.
“A Roman General didn’t have a choice,” you repeated after him, cocking a brow. “That sounds ridiculous. I don’t have a choice, pretty sure you do.”
“I still follow orders. And when Caesar asks, you can’t say no to,” the inflexion on the word made you look his way, slightly tilting your head to one side with curiosity.
“You can’t or you won’t?”
“I can’t.”
You hmphed, shaking your head with certain disdain. You knew little of Roman politics, but as far as you could tell, both Acacius and Caesar had the same rank. One submissively accepting orders from the other without rebuttal didn’t make sense.
“You’re his lapdog,” you didn’t say it to mock him, it was just an observation based on facts. “With no freewill, no choice. Sounds like we are both hostages to the same oppressor.”
“It’s not as simple,” Acacius sighed. “The current political climate in the Republic is… complicated.”
“So, Caesar is in the middle of a political storm back home, but he’s here giving us hell for no reason whatsoever other than showing his power to his rivals. Bet he’s got better things to do then.” When Acacius didn’t reply, you pressed, “Don’t you have better things to do than warmongering? A business to look after back home? A family, perhaps?”
The last question slipped. You were not prodding, didn’t care about what his marital status was, if he had a woman waiting for his safe return. No, nothing like that.
So if you truly didn’t, why did you look at him expectant?
He briefly glanced at you, his attention shifting to the wineskin he just pulled out of the saddlebag and then to the two horses tied up nearby. His avoidance made you frown. Had you hit a nerve of some sort?
“I don’t. This is all I know, all I ever wanted,” Acacius muttered before leaning his head back to aim the trickle of wine into his mouth.
The way he carefully delivered the words… there was a lie hidden between them. You didn’t know though which one of the two statements was the deceitful one. Or both, perhaps.
“If you say so,” you shrugged, conscious that you wouldn’t get him to talk any more than what you already had.
You shared the dried meat and the wine in silence. The biting cold sent shivers all over your body, skin bristled and teeth chattering by the time you were done eating. With no fire going to keep you warm, you were dying to retreat back to the tent.
“Should call it a night,” you mumbled, grabbing your saddlebag to bring it in with you.
Acacius grunted his accord, standing up. “I’ll check on the horses and I’ll be right back.”
He turned around as you scurried away, the temperature inside the tent as freezing as it was out there. It was going to be a rough night, especially since it seemed to be colder than last. You shuffled around, putting on more layers and rearranging the different animal skins until you were cozily beneath them. Your jaw tightened and let go of a grunt, a cloud of mist forming around your lips. Still you shuddered uncontrollably, a futile attempt to rise your body temperature.
A few minutes later, Acacius entered the tent, and you were no closer to falling asleep. In fact, you were so cold, you were wide awake. In the gloom of night, you barely made out his silhouette as he prepared to lie down beside you. The General quietly buried himself under a pile of skins.
Not a word was crossed, the dead tranquillity of the night broken by your chattering teeth.
“Stop that,” Acacius grumbled, half asleep, swatting you gently. “You’re too loud.”
“It’s not like I can fucking stop it, can I?” you gritted out, frustrated with his ease to drift away. “It’s freezing, dammit.”
The General rumbled and huffed, dragging his body towards you. He lifted the skins off himself, did the same thing with yours and joined you under the blankets, throwing them all over you both. The added weight of the skins, heavy and warm, was most welcomed, but it was Acacius’ body what made your temperature underneath the covers spike up.
The man was a damn furnace.
Driven by self-preservation, your hands found his forearm and clamped around them.
Acacius hissed.
“Your fingers are like icicles,” he complained, but didn’t move away.
“If you think my hands are freezing, wait to feel my feet,” and with no remorse, you brushed his shin with the sole of one foot. Your engaged muscles started to soften, his warmth pouring into you.
“Shit,” Acacius mumbled, his jaw tightening in the darkness, but again remained still. “You may well be at risk of frostbite.”
You grunted in agreement, unknowingly seeking him as you curled up against his side. His body temperature would be enough to keep the both of you warm through the night. You began to relax, your jaw now slack and teeth quiet. Slowly you fell into a peaceful slumber, the first night you actually got some much-needed rest.
When one of your eyes fluttered open, you were unsure of how many hours had gone by. It was still pitch-black outside, only the chirping of crickets breaking the quietness around you. The breaking of dawn still a few hours away, enough to paint a smile on your face at the realisation that you could sleep some more.
You nuzzled Acacius’ chest with your nose, inhaling deeply as your eyes slowly shut.
It was then that you noticed that you were almost on top of him: your cheek gently pressed against his sternum, your arm hugging his waist, your leg resting across his with your knee right on…
Your eyes shot open, quickly looking down, your senses flaring alive.
Your knee crammed right on his groin, softly pressing on his manhood as if that was where it belonged. He was hard. Asleep still, but his cock was wide awake. You could feel him pulse against your kneecap.
Your heart picked up a pace while a hot wave washed over you, slick starting to pool between your thighs and your nipples puckering against his ribs. A normal reaction, you told yourself, considering the position you were in.
One you shouldn’t be in. Conscious of your own bodily response, you sneakily tried to remove your knee from his growing bulge, biting down your bottom lip as your fingers sank in his right hip. But Acacius didn’t let you, his hand wrapping around the back of your knee and pressing it harder on his erection, a raspy grunt hitching somewhere in his throat.
You whimpered inaudibly; afraid he would fully wake. With his hand firmly holding your leg against him, there was no point fighting this need growing within you. His sleepy coercion was enough agreement.
With half-lidded eyes, lips flat in a pout, you began to gently rub your knee against the linen covering his cock, feeling it coming alive with every brush. His broad hand was still grasping around your knee, almost guiding you, showing you how to make him harder.
Acacius groaned above you, and you quickly glanced up at him — his brows pinched, but otherwise still asleep. You pouted in frustration, a thick slick trapped between your pussy lips. Damn you for getting horny right now, it was his fault really.
Gripping his hip, you pressed your body against his, to the point where your hot cunt was rubbing against the side of his thigh. Inevitably but carefully, you humped his thick thigh, your clit catching in your undergarment causing a delicious friction that sent a thunder up your spine.
This felt too good to be sinful. Your clit was writhing, pulsing for release, as you kept on buffing your pussy on him, while your knee kneaded his now throbbing bulge. Your breasts were sensitive, perked up nipples tracing invisible lines on his ribs. Your only regret was that both of you were still clothed — you needed the skin on skin to get off, to let go. Needed to feel him in all his glory, palm him attentively until he would come on your hand…
Acacius suddenly squirmed and you swiftly stopped everything, feigning to be asleep when his eyes opened.
Marcus stirred awake, his heartbeat so loud in his eardrums he could barely hear anything else other than the rush of blood. It took him a few seconds to catch on with his own body, to feel his throbbing cock fighting against its enclosure.
He was hard, the morning glory making its presence known. Only then did he realise the actual reason his dick was begging for release: he had grabbed your leg, fingers curled behind your knee, and had pressed it into his bulge until his cock was ready to unload.
Marcus froze in place, ashamed of himself, of using you in such wicked manner. But his stiffened erection clouded his mind, his judgement — he needed to move away from you before he came in his pants like a teenager.
Carefully he undraped your arm from across his waist and lifted your knee up, scooting to one side until he was out from underneath the skins. The cold air bit his bristling skin, a remarkable contrast with the heat on his groin. He looked back at you — peacefully surrendered to your slumber, expression sweet and relaxed, blissfully unaware of how close he’d been to spill.
He ran a hand down his face while the other rearranged his uncomfortable cock. For a moment he fisted himself, digits wrapping around his achy balls, before he decided to walk outside of the tent to get his shit together.
The road to Rome was going to be excruciatingly long, of that much he was sure.
The journey through the Alps took the good part of a week. Its rocky cliffs and treacherous paths needed to be treaded carefully. Acacius relied on you when going up the north face of the mountains, but on the descent he had more experience. You both worked together through the issues that arose, on calming down the horses whenever they got spooked.
It’d been a draining experience, but with the Alps on your back, you could breathe again. Temperatures had slightly gone up, so the last two nights had been more forgiving. Meaning, the physical gap between Acacius and you when you laid together at night had grown again.
You blamed it on the solitude — for the last ten days, Acacius was the only person you had spoken to, the only person you had seen. Perhaps it wasn’t long, but considering how closeknit your tribe was, this had been the longest you had gone without having your people around.
And, truth be told, he’d not been intrinsically bad with you. Yes, he’d hunt you down in the forest and brought you back to camp so you could be the next freak on display for the Roman mob, but from what you gathered, he was being bossed around by Caesar. You wondered what kind of relationship the two had — did Acacius feel indebted to the other man? Was that why he was doing Caesar’s dirty bidding?
You had dismounted your stallion and were guiding him to the nearest river, where Acacius’ stud was drinking. You left them alone as you walked back the few yards to where the General was setting up a small pyre for a fire.
“Is that wise?” you questioned, the spot you were in rather open.
“We are almost fifty milia passuum (Roman miles) west of Mediolanum (Milan). This land is ours, has been for more almost two centuries now. We have nothing to worry about here,” he explained matter-of-factly, unsheathing his sword and kneeling.
You watched him intently as he grabbed a quartz stone nearby, tested its weight and shape on his hand. Acacius began striking the steel of his gladius against the sharp edge of the rock with quick, powerful and deliberate downward motions. Sparks flourished, short-lived at first, dying off before landing on the dry tinder.
“Come over here,” he gave you a nod, then pointed to the pyre with his chin when you crouched down in front of him. “The moment a spark falls into the tinder, blow some light puffs of air onto the bundle.”
You shook your head in agreement and bowed down, ready to do your part. Acacius gave the steel a sharp hit, and a big spark ignited, falling like a feather into the wood. You blew air gently onto the red spot, and the fire slowly turned the wood to embers.
“Where are you from?” you asked with certain curiosity, hands extended in front of you to warm them up.
Acacius’ posture stiffened almost unnoticeably as he mindlessly nudged some of the glowing coal with the tip of his sword, eyes transfixed on the flames.
“My family come from the city of Barium (Bari) in the south. They worked the land,” he shared, scratching his beard. “I left home when I was just a lad, only returned a few times a year to help out with the farming.”
“How does the son of farmers end up being a renowned General at the head of a Roman legion?” you pressed with interest, a part of you wanting to get to know him, to see the real man behind the General.
“With blood, sweat and tears,” he retorted snappily, brows knitting together as if he had taken offense in your words.
You frowned, mildly confused by his reaction.
“What have I said to upset you?”
Your inquiry took him aback, and you assumed he thought he’d not been so obvious. But you were quick to pick up on people’s subtleties.
“Nothing,” you instantly cocked a brow. Acacius sighed, “I’m not ashamed of being the son of farmers. My parents were extremely hardworking people. But classism in Rome…” he shrugged, “…is ever so present. Some people are not being able to see past that. To them, I’ll always be a terrone. I guess I’m always on the defensive when the topic surfaces.”
“Terrone?” you asked, befuddled.
Acacius gave you a stern nod.
“It’s a derogatory term some people use to refer to those who work the land, typically in the south of the Republic. Like Barium, where I originally come from,” his dark gaze drifted up, locking with yours while red sparks danced between the two of you.
The intensity in his brown eyes held you down for an instant. He was sharing a piece of him with you, a vulnerability he didn’t show often. You could tell Acacius was battling with himself, divided between trusting you and knowing he shouldn’t.
You felt the urge to put his mind at ease, to somehow let him know you wouldn’t betray this shred of confidence. The Gods knew you didn’t owe this man anything — in any case, quite the opposite. But something about him, about his demeanour… Acacius wasn’t bad, not like the others.
Acacius was just a pawn who had become knight for the greater good, who lately had found himself with more blood on his hands than what his guilt-ridden conscience could handle.
You saw that hint in battle, his blows more defensive than offensive…
In how he’d spared your life before he knew who you were.
In how he cleaned the spit off your cheek, offered a joke or two to lighten the mood.
In how he stitched you up and let you use his bed while his back suffered on a chair.
In how he’d kept you warm throughout the harshest of nights.
“I didn’t mean it that way,” you hushed, eyes averted for a brief moment before you glanced up at him through your long eyelashes. “I am genuinely curious. It’s not every day that someone breaks the chains of society.”
Even in your culture, roles were profoundly embedded in society. Families born into guilds usually carried on with the legacy of those who preceded them. Rome wouldn’t be too different.
“Since a young age I knew I wanted to become a soldier. It always appealed to me, helping the Republic keep our people safe. The training makes you or breaks you, a lot of people drop out because of it. The sons of recognised Generals are trained since birth, and those who aren’t are in clear disadvantage. I used the long days in the farm as my training,” he spoke softly, eyes distant as he got lost in his own memories. “A few years into it, I met Gaius Julius Caesar. Took me under his wing, his family too, especially when my parents died and our farm burnt down, and I was orphaned. But I still had to work very hard to prove I was worthy. That every achievement was solely down to me, and not to the people I was associated with.”
You were so invested, you could almost picture a younger Acacius in front of you, warring against the tethers of society, making a name for himself. There was something really evocating, inspiring even, about his story of overcoming. And to lose his family in the blink of an eye, just like that, it had to be the hardest blow of all.
Had the fire not been between you, you’d reach for him and squeeze his forearm. But you didn’t, probably for the best.
“Is that why you feel… obligated to follow Caesar’s command?” you ventured, hugging your shoulders and rubbing the exposed skin.
“As I said before, it’s complicated. He’s the Proconsul, I’m not. The political climate in Rome is tense. The Senate and the Consuls fear a power grab. With the war with the Gauls coming to an end, Caesar believes that the Senate will rob him of his title and mandate him to disband his army,” he explained. “And if anybody knows Caesar as I do, he won’t surrender his power so easily.”
So conquering your land, massacring your people, was just a move from Caesar to seize more power. A pissing contest with the Senate. A game to that fucking bastard.
Was it a game to Acacius too?
“And where are you in this mess?” you couldn’t stop the question from leaving your tongue.
The General took in a deep breath, his shoulders sinking in his frame, while he poked at the fire with the sword.
“I have a job to do. I volunteered to come the moment Caesar put his proposition forward,” he shrugged, visibly uncomfortable with your prodding.
“Did you also volunteer to take me to Rome?” you lolled your head, eyes squinting.
“No,” Acacius grimaced. “Caesar asked me to.”
“Asked you? Or ordered you?”
“What’s the difference?”
“So loyalty doesn’t beget loyalty. Sounds like you’re just a pawn on his board. Dispensable,” you didn’t mean to offend, just state facts. “It seems to be a one-way relationship that does not really benefit you.”
“We should rest,” he said abruptly, standing to his feet and stomping out the fire. “Tomorrow we’ll head towards the Apuan alps so we can get to Florentia (Florence). It’s a newly founded garrison town. We should be able to find an inn there to spend the night and getting some proper warm food before heading towards Rome.”
You didn’t press, knowing that you’d given him enough food for thought. Not that you were going to change the outcome with your discourse, but at least you could make him see that being blindly loyal to someone would only mean his eventual demise.
But were you not blindly loyal to your people, your father? Wasn’t loyalty what brought you here?
Well. Fuck.
The word alps was triggering. Just when you thought you were done with rocky mountains…
“How long is this whole trip going to take?”
“To Florentia, I estimate six days. From there to Rome, it should be mostly flat, but still a stretch. Another five days, I wager,” he responded while veering around, heading towards the horses as he did every single night before going to bed. “Go get some sleep.”
“Your wish is my command, General,” you mumbled mockingly, getting up and sauntering towards the tent.
Six days? Six fucking days? Sure. More like fucking ten.
Acacius had been overly positive with his estimate. Although the Apuan alps were not as treacherous as the alps shielding the Republic from the neighbouring nations, it had been one hell of an expedition.
You’d even been attacked by a pack of hungry wolves. Acacius’ horse had been injured, then the man himself had taken a bite on his wrist that almost tore his thumb apart in his attempt to rescue his stud. It had been, by far, the most stressful days since you departed from your land over two weeks ago.
But now with the gates just a few yards away, the memory started to fade. The stone path beneath your stallion’s hooves announced your arrival to the guards posted on the front. The palisade was mainly of wood, but they had begun to replace sections of it with rock. The compound was surrounded by a moat, the drawbridge shut.
“Quis es (who are you)?” the sentinel shouted from his position on the palisade.
“Salve,” Acacius stopped in front of you, extending his arm with the palm down in greeting, “I am General Acacius, transporting a hostage to Rome under Caesar’s orders. I seek refuge in your garrison, some provisions and some rest, so we shall leave in the morrow to resume our travels.”
“Ordo (written order)?”
Acacius nodded, one hand rummaging through the saddlebag until he extracted a carefully rolled papyrus scroll.
“Lower the drawbridge, let General Acacius in,” the guard announced.
The hinges of the gate creaked horribly until the wooden plank bluntly kissed the ground. Acacius moved forward and you followed quietly, feeling a thousand eyes on you. A few miles back, Acacius had insisted on tying your hands to the saddle just for show, otherwise the legionnaires wouldn’t let you in.
The same sentinel had come down the palisade and Acacius handed over the papyrus. The man, with a weathered face and a nose more crooked than Acacius, unrolled the parchment and read it a few times. Once he was satisfied, he handed back the papyrus to Acacius and pointed forward.
“If you follow this path, you’ll find the inn,” then the guard gestured to another man, who quickly appeared in front of you and grabbed the reins of your horse. “The hostage will be held in the carcer (prison).”
Your widened eyes shot to Acacius in a panic. No way in hell he was going to let you sleep in a cell, right? Surrounded by enemies who would show you no mercy.
Your sights locked, Acacius’ darkened orbs squinting before he pulled from the reins of his monture until he and his horse shielded you, towering in front of the guard who had come forward to take you away.
“The hostage will be with me at all times. I am not to lose sight of her,” he almost barked at the sentinels, who quickly withdrew. “Those are my orders.”
A rush of relief coursed through your veins, your heartbeat calming down. When the guards returned to their positions, Acacius looked over his shoulder right at you and gave you a nod as if to ask, “are you alright?”
You ducked your head in reply before Acacius led the way to the inn.
The inn was a small sun-dried brick building with two levels, with a small stable on its side. It wasn’t too big, but the noise coming from the inside meant that it was probably packed. Acacius approached the stable lad and when he dismounted, you did the same. Both of you untied the saddlebags of your respective mounts.
“Here,” Acacius said to the boy, handing him two denarii. The boy’s bright eyes widened, looking at the coins in disbelief and then at him again, his cheeks sunk in his face. “Take good care of our horses. Mine’s injured, the wound needs to be taken care of regularly. Feed them, let them drink, give them a good brush. Alright?”
“Yes, of course, sir!” the lad almost screamed too enthusiastically, then grabbed the reins of both studs and disappeared inside the stable.
“That was a lot of money,” you noted as you both walked towards the door, your hands still tied.
“Did you see how thin he was? He didn’t look older than ten,” Acacius shrugged as he pushed open the doors and walked inside with you on his heels.
Your stomach twisted for a second — had he gone hungry in his childhood too? Had Acacius seen himself in that emaciated lad? Your heart shrunk a bit at the thought of a little Acacius begging for food on the streets before he decided to take charge of his future.
You couldn’t tell now if that had been his reality in the past — his shoulders broad, muscular arms and chiselled back. He’d done well for himself, even if it had been at the expense of others.
Shaking your head to come out of the trance, your hearing got hit with loud chatter. Wooden floor, adobe on the walls, and the furniture made of oak. The place was brimming with life, and Acacius had to slither through the crowd to reach the counter. He caught the attention of an older woman and exchanged some words you couldn’t hear at all. The Romans were fucking savages, so loud it was irritating.
“Come on,” Acacius whispered in your ear as he placed his hands on your shoulders and guided you through the crowd to the back of the inn.
There he opened a door, moved to a side to let you in first, and you walked up the creaky stairs. A minute later, a set of keys clinked on his hand and opened a smaller door. The inside of the room was rudimentary but had all the necessities. A chest of drawers, a fireplace that was already running, an empty wooden bathtub, a couple of chairs and a bed.
One bed. For one person.
You turned around to look at Acacius while he closed the door behind you.
“There’s only one bed,” you pointed out, brows pinching.
“I know. It’s the only available room they had left.”
“The only available room? So… we are supposed to share this one room? The both of us? One single bed?” You didn’t want to sound astonished, but you definitely were.
Acacius scoffed, taking a few steps forward to throw the saddlebag onto the bed.
“It’s not ideal. But we’ll have to make do.”
Perhaps you were unhappy with the situation, but you could tell he was not very excited about the prospect either.
Your sight moved to the bed again, dreading the night. Not because you thought it’d be uncomfortable, but because the night when you almost came humping his thigh was still too fresh in your mind. You were not sure you could spend another one like that, too horny to nod off.
“I’ve asked the owner to prepare you a hot bath. They’ll bring up boiled water in a few minutes,” he grunted, going through the saddlebag to grab some items.
“And you?”
“The River Arno is nearby,” he answered bluntly.
“It’s freezing outside,” you complained, although the idea of a hot bath did sound very appealing after your travels.
“I’ll be fine,” he dismissed your concerns, veering around to face you. “I’ll wait for the maids to bring over the water and then I’ll lock the door.”
You huffed, rolling your eyes at him. You hadn’t even attempted to escape in two weeks, and you were so deep in Roman territory now, it was safer to remain by his side than trying to get back to your land.
“You heard what I told the sentinels. If they see me without you, they’ll question where you are,” he was quick to explain.
“I suppose that makes sense,” you grumbled, watching him approach you.
Acacius extended his hands toward you, his calloused fingers wrapping around your wrists, sending a shiver down your spine. His touch was hot yet gentle. He was standing so close to you, you could smell him — sweaty and dirty, but so masculine you felt a pulse between your thighs.
You had to focus on taming your body’s reaction, pressing your knees together to contain the slick pooling in your pussy. Surely this could only be attributed to the fact that it had been a long time since you laid with a man.
Pouting as he undid the rope binding you, your eyes fixed on how his fingers untwirled the jute. Once freed, Acacius’ thumbs stroked the dents on your skin, smoothing them out, your hands gently resting on his palms as he soothed the redness away.
Your heart pounded against your chest so loud you wondered if he could hear it. With your mouth slightly parted, you looked up at him, your gazes crossing and locking. And for a moment, the whole world disappeared around you. You could only see his weathered features, the bushy beard and moustache framing those lips after weeks in the wilderness… And his eyes, darkened and lustful.
His orbs drifted down to your waiting mouth, heartrate spiking madly now. You were sure he was going to kiss you, the hunger and flickering desire in his irises told you as much.
Then a firm knock on the door snatched the moment away.
“We bring the water, General,” a soft female voice announced.
The icy water of the Arno should have put out the fire burning within him. But when he emerged from the river, he was still… hard.
It felt wrong, extremely wrong. You were his captive; a war prisoner being delivered to another man to do with you as he pleased. And despite how much Marcus hated Antonius’ brother, his hands were tied. He’d given his word to Caesar — a bow he could not break, not without fatal consequences for the both of you. Disobeying Caesar’s orders would be classed as treason. And traitors were not tolerated in the Republic.
Desiring you was so fucking wrong. Especially when he’d lied to you about your future in Rome, about what would be expected of you. His omission of the truth had rooted in your brain, brewing for so long now, he just couldn’t come up and tell you the truth. Perhaps it was better this way, so you would be at ease for as long as possible.
Brushing his hair back with his fingers, Acacius sighed heavily before bending down to grab his belonging off the ground. He put on a fresh subligaculum and then a simple linen tunic.
When he returned to the inn, he found two bowls with a steaming stew of meat and vegetables, some bread, a jug full of wine and two empty cups on a tray. He took it off the floor and knocked on the door, unsure if you would be clothed.
“Come in,” you shouted from the other end of the door.
Marcus unlocked the door and went in, turning around to put on the latch. When he veered to face you, you had some linen clothing on, the almost translucent fabric still clinging to your wet skin. Your legs were naked from the mid-thighs down, your bare feet tapping the wooden floor as you finished braiding your hair while sitting on a chair by the fire.
He couldn’t help himself but taking the sight of you in. You looked gorgeous with the glowing of the fire reflecting on your skin, a natural beauty with a fiery aura dancing around you. It wasn’t only that though — what he had seen of you as a person, Marcus liked too. And that was the most dangerous thing of all.
A sudden throb invaded his groin when he realised your nipples were poking through the linen, the outline of your breasts shaped by the fabric stuck to your skin. Reining in the need to do something—anything—Marcus just stared at your silhouette.
“How was the dunking?”
Marcus shot his eyes to yours, afraid he’d been caught undressing you in his mind, devouring you. You had tilted your head to one side, studying him.
He steeled his posture, shook his head and put the tray down on the dresser.
“Good,” he grunted, an uncomfortable hardness taking over his cock. “Your bath?”
“Amazing,” you sighed with a smirk. “Is that food?”
Marcus nodded, passing you a bowl before he grabbed his and sat down on the other chair.
You ate in silence for the good part of half an hour. When you both were done, Marcus took the empty plates and goblets away, stacking them on top of the dresser. It was pitch-black outside, silent. Everyone had already left the inn.
“Right,” he mumbled. “You take the bed; I’ll make do with some skins by the fire.”
He was already by the saddlebags, grabbing all the animal skins to fashion a bed on the floor.
“Are you serious?” you groaned, standing up from the chair. “We can share the bed, Acacius. It’s not like we’ve been sleeping apart…”
When he turned to face you, you briefly bit down your bottom lip, your teeth sinking in the plushness the way he wanted his to dig in your lip. His resolution faltered when you clasped your fingers around his wrist and pulled, guiding him to the bed.
“Are you sure? It’s very small. We won’t fit,” he reasoned.
“It— We will fit,” you rasped, sitting on the bed.
He knew this was a bad idea, a really bad one at that, but his brain was numb. So he followed you.
You stirred in your sleep. Miraculously, you had managed to drift away even with Acacius hugging you tight from behind, ignoring the way your body screamed at you for not doing anything about it.
Your brows momentarily pinched in confusion when you sensed that there was no one behind you now, no arms draped over your frame pushing your back into his chest. You patted behind you to find an empty and cold spot.
Mildly disoriented, you sat up on the bed, rubbed your eyes and waited for your vision to adapt to the darkness, since the fire had already died out. Looking around, you found Acacius lying on the floor on top of some skins, facing towards the cold fireplace.
Was this man stupid? Had he waited for you to fall asleep to then go sleep on the fucking floor? He was more stubborn than you were. The sight made you mad, so much so you snatched the pillow your head had been resting on and threw it at him with force.
The moment the feathery pillow hit him, Acacius sat up very quickly, turning around with a bewildered expression.
“I thought we were under attack, dammit!” he growled at you.
“You are!” you screamed, grabbing the other pillow and tossing it at him.
This time, he dodged it. Infuriated, you gathered the bedlinen and pulled until it untucked from underneath the mattress, and you stood up with everything bunched up on your arms.
“What the hell are you doing?” Acacius husked out, visibly confused.
So stupid.
“Well, apparently we are sleeping on the floor now because someone thinks the bed is not good enough,” you grumbled, unceremoniously dropping everything in front of him.
“The bed is good enough, but I just couldn’t…” Acacius trailed off, and you looked at him with a cocked brow as you sat down in front of him. “I couldn’t fall asleep, didn’t want to disturb you.”
“Why?” you inquired, folding your arms below your breasts.
He cleared his throat, his eyes betraying him the moment they landed on your boobs.
Then you realised. Was he hard? Had sleep evaded him because he was too worried it would happen again? That he would unconsciously rub you against him? Because if that was the case… well, you had no complains.
“Never mind,” he muttered, jaw tight.
“I do mind,” because why fight what both of you wanted?
You shuffled around, kneeling and sitting back on your heels. Your hand landed on his powerful thigh, his muscles flexing under your touch. Your fingers slid up his inner thigh, dangerously close to his bulge.
“Careful there,” Acacius croaked, his fingers curling around your wrist to stop your advances.
Batting your eyelashes with a knowing grin, you moved your palm further up to where his leg joined his hip, your knuckles brushing the tent on his tunic. You leaned in, mouth hovering over his.
“Let’s stop pretending anymore, shall we?” you whispered, the plumpness of your lips caressing his as you spoke.
Before Acacius could reject you, your tongue prodded at his mouth, swiping his bottom lip. When he groaned, he gave you an opening — the moment his lips parted, you dove in. Your tongue finally met his, fighting one another as you breathed him in.
Acacius let go of your wrist, his hand flying to the back of your neck, holding you close as he plunged in, tasting you. You pushed your knuckles into his growing bulge and the General’s chest rumbled with satisfaction. That was your cue to spread your palm over his groin and knead it slowly.
He was big, girthy and hot. Your fingertips traced the shape of his cock over the textile, then cupped his balls and squeezed gently.
“Fuck,” Acacius moaned, and your pussy reacted with primal need.
You were drenched, the dampness your thighs harboured for him just grew. Your cunt ached for his touch, for the moment you’d been dreaming about for so long now.
Acacius must have read your mind, because his hands gripped your hips and manhandled you until you were sat on his lap, straddling him. He pushed you down, your clothed cunt stroking him — the outline of his throbbing cock softly pressing against your slit.
Draping your arms around his neck, you kissed him again, your hips swaying back and forth on top of him, causing much needed friction. Acacius palmed your ass, his fingers grabbing the flesh as he guided your moves.
“Undress,” he pleaded, raggedly breathing now.
With no shame, only desire, you leaned back a bit, grabbed the hem of your linen dress, and pulled the whole garment over your head. That was the only piece of clothing you had on, so when you casted it away, you were completely naked on top of him.
“Not even a loincloth on?” Acacius managed to sputter out, tipping his head forward until his face rested between your boobs, kissing your sternum. “And you were asking why I couldn’t sleep…”
You snickered, palm on the back of his head to press him onto your chest, fingers raking through his greying curls.
When Acacius kissed one of your taut nipples, your head tipped back, a moan bubbling up your throat as he worked your button expertly. At the same time, he pushed your hips back down, your bare pussy leaking and leaving a slick spot right on the linen covering his erection.
Scrubbing your pussy against him, your thudding clit catching on the fabric and his tongue working wonders on your nub, you didn’t think you’d last — a thunderous feeling shooting up your spine right from your core. Thighs trembling, you rode him dryly, imprisoning his head with your arms and ramming his face against your bosom.
Until you came. A moan filled your mouth and spilled over your lips, resonating between the adobe walls, as the fire in your drooling pussy reached its highest temperature. Warmth spread in all directions, your energy faltering as your hips stuttered. Acacius took the lead right then by grabbing a handful of your ass cheeks and sliding you back and forth on his lap until you were shivering above him.
“Did that feel good, hm?” he pecked your nipple before looking up at you.
His brown eyes had softened, enticing and indecent. You gave him a mindless nod, still feeling the throbbing of your pussy, as one of his hands left your buttock and navigated over the swell of your globe, reaching down.
His middle finger slipped easily along your glossy seam, from your gushing hole to your clit. Acacius petted it gently, pressing tight yet lazy circles as his palm cupped your cunt.
The fire within you was rising again.
“Acacius,” you groaned, your heart pulsing in your clit under his attention.
“Marcus,” he offered in a hush, lapping at the tip of your breast. “My name is Marcus. I want to hear you say it when you come again, sweetheart.”
The revelation was an intimate surprise, considering that Romans always referred to themselves by their cognomen, sometimes by their nomen and very rarely by their praenomen. But you didn’t dwell for long, his lone finger teasing your slick slit with a calmness you didn’t feel.
You pushed your ass back, your back arching and your face resting on the crook of his neck, when that same lonely digit traced the outline of your opening, taunting your faltering resolution as your mind went numb.
“You’re so wet, mel. So ready, so eager…” Marcus grunted, the first phalange going in and robbing you of a heavy sigh. “So tight and warm, welcoming even… You want this so badly, don’t you?” he asked for your reassurance and when you obliged with a shy nod, his finger buried down to the knuckle. “Oh, baby, so needy,” he tutted at you.
Wiggling your hips involuntarily, you forced his finger in and out of your leaking entrance, commending him to get on with it already. The General took the hint and began to finger you rather unhurriedly. The pad of his finger pressed on your inner wall as it slid in and out, picking up a pace.
By the time he inserted a second finger, you were already panting and squirming, throbbing for release. Marcus built up the pace gradually, until the palm of his hand was audibly slapping your perineum, and the squelching noises of your pussy filled the room.
There it was again: the spike in your heartrate, the maddening pulse in your clit and a tongue of lava seeping through his fingers, pooling on his covered cock.
“Marcus, fuck, I—” you hiccupped, nuzzling his jugular.
Acacius kissed your foreheard, a gentle gesture contrasting the relentless rhythm of his hand. “I know, corculum, I know. It’s too much for this sweet pussy of yours, isn’t it? Let go for me.”
At his command, you did, wailing his name with wanton abandonment while your pussy quivered around his meaty fingers, squeezing them in a tight grip as he curled them, pulling another orgasm from you.
Mind fuzzy, you kissed his pulse point, your fingers grabbing a fistful of the linen covering his chest, scrunching the fabric. Unclenching one hand, you flattened it on his tummy, pushing it down until you cupped his manhood over the tunic.
“Fuck me, Marcus,” you pleaded, tone tinged with longing whilst giving him a gentle squeeze.
Acacius growled at your not-so-subtle request, eager to get started. He helped you off his lap, standing up to remove the tunic, his subligaculum quickly following.
And there he was, towering above you, fully naked for the first time. He had several scars dotted around the map of his skin, gifts from the battlefield. But that wasn’t what caught your attention the most.
You gazed up at him in awe — his muscles sculpted, hugging him tight. Strong arms, veiny forearms, broad hands. Chiselled pectorals, a tense tummy although no marked abs, and then… a hairy trail running down from his belly button in a pronounced V line.
You followed the path of pleasure with your hungry eyes until they landed on his erection. He was as girthy as you had imagined, a good size, a throbbing vein feeding his cock on the underside. Some thick curls framed his dick, drawing your attention to the heavy balls underneath. And then the tip, angrily flushed and leaky with a pearl of precum topping it.
Your mouth watered at the sight in front of you. Still kneeling, pussy bewilderingly aching now, you leaned in for a kiss as one daring hand peeled his skin back completely to marvel at him in all his glory. Your lips pressed against his red mushroom head, fingers curled around his shaft with devotion.
You wanted to suck him off. The little taste on your mouth had you salivating, needy for something to keep you quiet. His musky scent had the world swirling around you, almost as if you were drunk.
Before you could part your lips to house him in your warmth, Marcus extended his left hand to you, palm up, the one that was still wrapped in a bloody linen cloth to protect the wound on his thumb.
With a little pout and some resignation, you took it careful not to inflict pain, springing to your feet. He didn’t speak, and neither did you, when he laced his fingers with yours and tugged at your hand. Marcus approached one of the chairs with you in tow, sat down and manspread. You were quick to understand, climbing onto his lap like the floor was lava.
“You are so beautiful, feel so good,” he muttered, lapping at the flesh of your boob while his hands settled on your hips. “And I know you’re going to feel even better riding me, sweetheart. Look even more gorgeous.”
Your cunt gushed at his words, rearing to come. When he aligned his tip with your entrance, you whimpered in need, the intimate kiss on your core driving you mad.
“Impale yourself. Show me how much you want this, mel,” he almost begged, voice throaty.
You didn’t need any further persuasion. Grabbing his pulsing shaft, you held him in place whilst sinking slowly. His cockhead slid in easily and the next few inches quickly followed. His dick stretched your walls apart, blessing you with a delightful burning as you buried his cock in your pussy down to the hilt.
You moaned to the heavens once he was fully seated. You felt so full, he was staggeringly omnipresent inside you. All your senses flared alive, so much it was almost overwhelming.
Marcus had tipped his head back — his jaw almost dislocating as he groaned, fingers digging at your hips, leaving his imprint behind. You blinked rapidly to clear your eyes from their glossiness, raked your fingers through his hair and tugged at it so he would open his eyes and look at you.
The moment your sights locked in, a strange warmth spread through your chest. Despite your dire situation, you felt safe with him, at ease. Regardless of what the future held for you, at least you would have this memento to think back to. This brief crack in time, when nothing nor no one else mattered.
“You’re handsome, Marcus. And very gifted,” you giggled, trying to put behind those thoughts now.
You cradled his face and kissed him exaggeratedly slow, your hips leisurely moving back and forth. Soon enough, you were riding him with all your might, the slapping of skin on skin ricocheting in a sinful cacophony. Up and down, back and forth — your hips didn’t miss a spot in your pussy left untouched by Marcus’ cock. You were so wild, you had to grip the arms of the chair until your knuckles ran white.
Acacius held your breasts throughout, pinching your nipples from time to time, latching onto them when your untamed rhythm allowed. Chasing the highest of highs, you felt the climax building up — a pulsating fire growing in your lower belly, your pussy trembling around his girth, swallowing him whole while your juices soaked him.
“I’m so close, s-s-s-o… fucking… close…” you mewled, your brows knitting together in concentration.
Marcus jumped into action to help you get there. His right hand darted between your bodies, middle and ring fingers flicking your throbbing clit as you rode him. Then your nub caught between his fingers — the pressure, the friction and the gentle fondling tipping you over the edge of your orgasm.
That was the last straw for your nervous system. You started coming, wailing his name as your whole body quaked above and around him. Your glistening cunt clamped down around him like a vice, squeezing him so tight you thought you would harm him. Your breathing quickened to the point of burning as you crashed down from your climax.
Quietly, you glanced down at him. Marcus’ jaw was so tight, you feared he might break a tooth. His cock was throbbing so hard, you knew he was close to release but didn’t want to come yet. You bowed down for a kiss, and the General eagerly reciprocated, his dick still cozily warm and hard inside you.
Some tears had escaped your eyes, wetting your cheeks, due to the intensity of it all. Marcus brushed them away before cupping your ass cheeks and standing up. He held you, pressed against his chest, and you draped your legs around his waist, so the intimate contact of your sexes would not break.
He walked a few steps, and then unceremoniously dropped you on the bed. The wooden plank beneath the feathery mattress squeaked loudly, but you could only focus on him. On his darkened eyes feasting on you.
The cold air nipped at your bare, sweaty body, your nipples perking up. You covered them with your palms, spreading your legs to welcome him again.
That was all confirmation Marcus needed from you — he grabbed your ankles and pulled, your ass on the edge of the mattress, and he dove in your pussy in one energetic thrust. Wrapping your legs around him again, you let him set the pace this time.
Acacius sank his knees on either side of you and blanketed your frame, your chests flush, only your hands in between as you cupped your breasts. He dug his elbows around your head and pumped into you with sharp, deep strokes at first. Every time he slid out and back in, you gasped, eyes shutting in ecstasy. Then the pace picked up and Marcus began railing you like a man possessed on the worn mattress.
He was in so deep, you could feel him nudging your cervix. First painful, but then a welcome kiss every time his thick tip stroked the very centre of your being. Marcus pumped in and out of your spent pussy in quick succession, resting his sweaty forehead on yours, his dampened curls caressing your skin.
It was too much. The feelings, the overstimulation, the constant hammering… For a brief second, you looked down and saw his cock plunging in and out, your cunt sheathing him like he belonged… like he owned.
“I don’t think I can come again,” you stammered, your whole body shaking under him. “Marcus… by the Gods I swear…” you sobbed, tears brimming again.
“Of course you can, mel. You will,” the resolution in his hoarse voice left no room for doubt.
The General bit your chin, the sensitive spot on your neck, then your earlobe, all the while fucking into you with renewed vigour. He was everywhere there was to be, a hand slithering down your belly to pet your unattended clit again.
You fell apart even when you thought you couldn’t give him one more. You came again, for the fourth time tonight. Creaming around his hard cock, you cried his name, a lewd melody ringing in his ears. If you had looked down, you would have seen the white rings of your pleasure pooling at the base of his manhood, but you were too focused on taming your beating heart.
“Fuck, you look so beautiful when you come, so blissed out,” Marcus pecked your wet cheek. “Where?”
For a heartbeat the question didn’t register in your mushy brain, so fucked out into oblivion your limbs felt like putty. His shaft pulsed extremely hard inside you, announcing his imminent orgasm. So he repeated again, this time more aggressively, “Where?”
“Mouth. My mouth,” you barely husked out. “I want to taste you. Fully taste you.”
Before he spilled inside you, Marcus pulled out rather harshly, standing up. You sat up on the bed, still feeling dizzy from your climax, and palmed the back of his thighs to push him towards you.
His cock was soaked, the thick curls all dampened and dripping with your shared arousal. Parting your lips, you welcomed his tip in the warmth of your mouth, just as you had desired not that long ago. You suckled on his palpitating cockhead while he stroked himself. Swat his hand away so you could push his length all the way down in your throat.
He tasted so manly, so musky, your head spiralled out of control as you sloppily slurp around his girth. Saliva, your slick coating him, and precum pooled in your hollowed cheeks until it all overflowed, dripping off the corners of your mouth.
A guttural groan and a hard pulse later, Marcus finally came. His white, warm seed hit the back of your throat in thick ropes, his taste bewildering as he emptied his nuts in your mouth. You milked him dry until the last drop spurted out his slit, and then you kept on going.
In a trance, you sucked him off until his cock softened on your tongue. And only then, you let go of him, gulping down his spent like it was a secret treasure. A trophy.
You fluttered your damp eyelashes to get rid of the tears and glanced up at him shyly.
His warm palm cradled your cheek, and you nuzzled against it, satisfied and content. His right thumb swiped your tears away again before he settled down on the bed, dragging you to rest on his chest.
Neither of you said a word — there was no need to speak after that.
But did he fuck you again?
Yes, he did. Two more times. Until both of you were utterly spent and couldn’t thread two thoughts together.
Every night that followed, Marcus spent hugging you and fucking you into oblivion. The dreadful cold nights out in the wilderness again were still relentless, but now they were warmer as long as he had your naked body pressed against his.
It was wrong of him to take advantage of you this way. In the moments of weakness after you blissfully fell asleep, he’d question himself. Told himself he was a monster for letting you believe that your life in Rome was going to be somewhat untroubling.
But he was now so down deep in the lie, he couldn’t tell you the truth. Marcus feared you’d curse him to death, that you’d try to escape once you learnt what was expected of you. How you’d question his true intentions if you knew of his rivalry with Gaius Antonius.
He’d even question himself on that too. Was he losing himself in you every night as a “fuck you” to Gaius? Because he’d had you before the other man did?
Or did he indulge in the pleasure you offered because… he actually liked you? Did he chase another high and did he chase the warmth growing in his heart every time you came apart with him, for him?
Guilt ate at his conscience. He was a damned man either way. Marcus couldn’t have you even if he really wanted to take you home with him. He was under oath, he’d promised you to the man he hated most. Going back on such promise would mean treason. And Rome did not tolerate traitors. Caesar would not tolerate traitors. And Marcus well knew what the punishment for such treachery was.
Death.
The word lingered in his mind as he unknowingly embraced your sleepy form tighter. Despite how much he wished and hoped for a different outcome, the truth was his hands were tied before he knew you.
A pawn. That was what you had called him. He truly was a dispensable tool. It didn’t matter how far back his history went with Caesar, how hard he’d worked for his station, how many unthinkable acts he’d committed for the glory of Rome.
The truth was… he was no one. Especially if he bit and betrayed the hand that fed him.
But… were you worth the risk? He would never know. Such leap of faith for someone he’d just met a month ago was too reckless.
And besides, you probably didn’t feel that way, just wanting to enjoy your last few days of freedom. He could ask you, Marcus thought, but what was the point of meddling with a perfectly working symbiosis? Why destroy the last remnants of peace you both could have?
Needless to say, sleep evaded him for the rest of the night, his intrusive thoughts haunting him till dawn.
You stirred awake not long after, turning around in his embrace, your face buried in his chest. After pressing a soft kiss on his skin, your eyelashes fluttered, revealing your bright orbs to him. A warm smile promptly took over your lips.
“Good morning,” you whispered, your lips pecking his chin. “Did you sleep well?”
“Morning, beautiful,” he muttered, mouth brushing your forehead. “Yes, I did. You?” he lied through his teeth.
“Like a log,” you smirked at him, and then stretched your back with an exaggerated yawn.
“Tonight we’ll arrive in Rome,” he hated to bring up the subject, especially now when doubt still nagged at him. “But since it’s quite early and it will only take us a couple of hours on horseback, I was thinking… that maybe I could show you something?”
Your worried look quickly transformed into excitement. You threw off the pile of animal skins and blankets that kept you both warm and jumped to your feet, dressing yourself.
“Is that a surprise, Acacius?” you taunted him, the tip of your tongue peeking through your teeth.
“Perhaps,” he couldn’t help but grin, your easy demeanour casting away his worries. “Let’s break our fast first and then I’ll show you.”
Soon after that, you were both sharing some wine, cheese and bread that Marcus had bought yesterday when you stopped in Vetus Urbs (Viterbo) for provisions. The birds were chirping nearby, a light breeze weaving through and rustling the leaves of trees. Just a few yards away, the vast Lago di Bracciano (Lake Bracciano) extended to the horizon, with calm and blue waters.
He could tell you were eager to get started with the day, because you finished your food quickly and then scooted over to his side. He checked the wound in your shoulder, the one he himself had inflicted. It still gnawed at him, being responsible for causing you harm. As if to erase his wrongdoing, Marcus bowed down and brushed your now healed lesion with his lips.
You sighed in contentment, ready for your turn.
Marcus let you grab his left hand. For the past few days, every day after breakfast, you would reciprocate and unravel the cloth covering his hand, inspecting the wound. It hadn’t festered thanks to your diligent efforts to help him keep it clean. The torn flesh around the injury was healing nicely, although it would leave a scar behind. Not that he minded, another one added to the collection. One to remember your little trip together.
You poured some wine on the wound, then some water from the lake. But when you were about to wrap it with clean linen, Marcus shook his head.
“We are going in the water, don’t want to get it wet,” he explained, standing up to his feet.
“In the water?” you barked, bunching up your eyebrows. “Are you mad? Do you know how cold it is?”
“I know. But it will be worth it, trust me,” he winked at you, a sly smirk curling the corners of his mouth.
Under your attentive watch, he removed all his clothes, folding the items neatly and putting them down on a rock. The cold air nipped at his skin, but he didn’t mind — if anything, Marcus welcomed the bitter cold. Considering how hot he’d burnt last night with you in his arms, he needed to cool down a bit.
Marcus rotated on his heels, gazing you up. Still clothed.
“Are you not coming then? I promise it’ll be worth it.”
You huffed and puffed, your lips pouting as you removed your garments. “It better be.”
Intertwining his fingers with yours, he tugged at you, slamming your bare body against his chest. You felt too good in his arms, soft and warm despite your cold bristling skin. Marcus leaned in for a gentle kiss, almost a puritanical peck, before walking towards the water. He tiptoed on the edge, testing the temperature, and then plunged in. His head disappeared momentarily under the water, and then resurfaced for a gasp of air.
You were on the shore, hugging your shoulders, so beautiful you looked like Venus herself. That was probably a heresy, but Marcus didn’t care — you had no comparison in his eyes. Your body was a place of worship, but the caring personality behind the façade was a sacred temple.
So, why was he secretly planning on desecrating his house of worship, you? He was a heartless, selfish bastard.
“Come,” he offered you his hand, which you swiftly accepted, joining him in the water.
You shivered, teeth chattering, and shot him an untrusting glare. “Okay, so here I am. What’s the surprise?”
He laughed at your eagerness to get out of the water, shook his head too.
“So impatient, mel. We have to get there yet,” he pushed you further into the water, following. “You see that dent in the rock over there? It leads to an underwater cave.”
“Diving? Nuh-uh, you’re trying to kill me!” you shouted in jest, a playful glimmer in your eyes.
“Just follow me, will you?”
With that said, Marcus swam towards the rock that was inaccessible from the shore. He made sure you were right behind him, and when you got to where he was, he grabbed your hand and dove.
The dive only lasted a minute or two, soon reappearing in the underwater cave. It wasn’t too big, around fifty square meters. Stalagmites hung from the ceiling, droplets eroding the rock underneath. It was peacefully quiet, only the gurgling of water breaking the silence. A crack in the ceiling allowed a lonely sunray to illuminate the cave. The walls of the cave were covered with colourful seashells and starfish, this little paradise brimming with life despite how isolated it was from the outside world.
Marcus climbed out of the water and helped you up onto the slimy rock.
“Careful, don’t slip,” he warned, holding you by your waist.
“Good heavens, it’s steaming in here!” you exclaimed, the thick humid air almost making it impossible to breathe properly.
“This is what I wanted to show you,” he hugged you to his side, pointing at the two bubbling pools, one deep and one shallow, in the middle of the cave. “It’s a geyser. This lake formed on top of a volcano, which has been inactive for centuries now, but the warmth and lava below ground has created several hot springs around the lake.”
“Marcus, this is beautiful, thank you for taking me here,” you turned around in his half embrace to kiss him, paced and sweet. “Let’s go!”
Marcus almost had a heart attack when he saw you slipping on the edge of the rock, but in the last second you managed to keep your balance before graciously jumping into the water.
When your head emerged, he was able to breathe again. You looked so carefree, enjoying and living in the moment, it tugged at his heart.
“This is fucking amazing, the water’s so hot. Come join me, please!” you splashed the water, a small wave coming at him, wetting his feet.
Marcus happily obliged and dove in immediately after.
For two hours, you swam around or perched yourselves on the rocky shore, relishing this precious moment. And when the subtle dance of your bodies became too apparent, you joined each other’s company on the shallow pool, only a few inches of water lapping at you both. Marcus took you in his arms, nestling you down on the smooth rocks, while he coaxed your thighs apart for him, exposing your core to his attention. Soon enough he was rutting into you, not maddingly but lovingly, showing you how much he wanted this moment to last. How much he wished you both could stay here forever, far away from responsibilities and honour.
You draped your legs around his waist, taking him in as deep as possible, sheathing him tightly. Your hiccups soon turned into full-blown moans, shattering around him, clenching and gushing, while he fucked you through your orgasm. With the last remnant of decency, Marcus managed to pull out of you, his load messily landing on your lower belly.
You giggled, giddy and satisfied, before you both were at it again, working together towards another climax, both of your moans and groans echoing in this tranquil oasis.
When you both were totally spent, you just laid there to gather some strength and return to the real world. It was obvious neither of you wanted to leave, this quiet retreat would be your secret. The places your minds would escape to when your bodies couldn’t.
Grudgingly, you dove together and reappeared on the other side, swimming back to shore.
In silence but both smiling, you walked out of the water.
In the dead quiet of the cave, Marcus had made up his mind. He had to say something, explain to you what was going to happen, and how much he regretted not being able to do something about it. You deserved the truth, even though it meant breaking the trust between you. Even if it meant letting you go now. Perhaps you’d forgive him, perhaps you’d understand that he had no say in the matter. Perhaps...you’d see he truly cared for you.
When you were both fully clothed, Marcus turned around to face you, anxiety spiking in his heart and mind to unknown levels, throat closing up with fear.
“Listen, mel, I need to tell you som…”
“General Acacius, how great it is to see you,” a grave masculine voice suddenly interrupted him.
With his heart crammed into his throat, Marcus veered around.
Gaius Antonius was standing right in front of him atop a brown horse, one of his men right behind him, with a nasty smile showing his crooked teeth.
The shift in the atmosphere was palpable. Since that man and his guard had interrupted, Marcus had gone quiet. It was pretty obvious from his body language that Acacius didn’t stand the man in front of him. His shoulders had squared, neck tense and jaw very clenched. It almost looked like Marcus was going to punch the man with no warning, but thought better of it.
Even after they left, the General didn’t dare look in your direction. It didn’t matter how much you tried to get him to talk back, he just didn’t.
So riding quietly besides him gave you plenty of time to sink in your thoughts and dwell in the little words the two men had exchanged.
“I’m looking forward to get a taste of my gift,” the Roman you came to know as Gaius Antonius had said, his cruel eyes flickering to yours briefly.
Something in his dead orbs sent an unpleasant shiver down your back. His features were not easy to look at and his physique was too imposing, bald, tall and extremely built — he reminded you of the one-eyed monsters the old druidesses of your tribe would talk about to scare the kids away from real danger.
You had felt very uncomfortable in his presence, to the point where you had hidden behind Acacius so Antonius would stop gazing you up.
His words still rang in your ears, a dark omen settling in the pit of your stomach. Why had he looked at you directly when he had said “my gift”? Now that the fear was almost forgotten, you just remembered he had also winked at you before licking his lips obscenely.
Your heart jolted in your chest, belly churning at the thought taking form in your head.
No, it can’t be. Marcus wouldn’t do that, wouldn’t bring you to be entertainment for a specific man, not a pastime for a crowd.
Marcus would have told you if that was the case — you two had shared enough time together, built rapport. In the last few weeks, you’d also seen a side of him that was very appealing to you, a version of him you wouldn’t mind getting to know better. His kind, playful side, the one that cared for you and your wellbeing. The one, you thought, that perhaps felt for you the same way you did for him.
With how close you two had become, Marcus wouldn’t betray you like that, wouldn’t sell you out to another man as if you were a plaything he could discard. He’d said you were going to be paraded around like a savage animal so the townspeople would see an untamed wildling for the first time. And as vile as it sounded, it wasn’t the worst-case scenario for someone like you, so even though it wasn’t great, you’d accepted the idea.
No, he didn’t say that. I did. And he didn’t confirm nor deny it. You’d been too drunk to see it then.
Your eyes widened with horror as your heart climbed up your throat, a landslide of panic coursing through your veins.
“Marcus—” you muttered with a trembling voice, even your hands holding the reins were shaking.
“We’re here,” he cut you off, still avoiding your sight.
Your eyes darted down the path, a huge gate with columns framing it right in front. It was tall, with men posted to either side of the arch, wearing full, bright armour and helmets.
A frightening feeling of doom, of plain claustrophobia, took hold of your soul. It was as if walls were closing in around you, confining you to a tiny space. Deep breaths were not helping either, if anything they made everything worse.
“Marcus, please, listen—”
“We’ll talk after leaving the horses in the stables. They are really tired and mine needs his wound to be looked after,” again, he interrupted you.
A burning sensation went up your neck, and you could feel the tears threatening to spill. Holding onto the last remnant of hope, you pushed all the emotions down — you still trusted Marcus, despite how distant he felt right now.
Ten minutes later, you both dismounted the stallions, removed the saddles and the bridles. It was dark and it reeked of nature, but you were too anxious to wait any longer.
As Marcus attempted to turn around and leave, you wrapped your fingers around his wrist and pulled from him to stop him in his tracks.
“You said we could talk now. Please,” you almost begged, your low tone almost breaking in the last word.
With a heavy sigh, Marcus faced you. His eyes, bright before, were now of an opaque brown shade. If regret had a colour, it would be exactly the same as his irises. His lips were furrowed into a pout, his brows pinching with loud concern.
And when your eyes finally locked, you knew. You knew you were not overthinking the situation — it was exactly like it seemed.
“No,” you husked out, letting go of his wrist as if his skin burnt yours, your hand flying to your face to cover your mouth. “No. Tell me I’m wrong.”
“Wrong about what?” he gritted out, averting his eyes with visible remorse.
Was the bastard really pleading ignorance? Was he such a coward, he wouldn’t tell you himself? After everything you’d gone through and shared? After so many long, cold nights spent in his embrace? Did any of that mean anything to him?
Apparently not.
“Why am I here? I’m not here to be a hostage kept in a cage, am I?” your voice was barely audible as you tried your best to contain the angry tears.
“No,” Marcus paused after his whisper. “You’re here to be married off to Marcus Antonius’ brother, Gaius. You’re a gift to the Antonius family, to keep Caesar’s allies happy.”
The explanation fell on you like icy water. Even your heart had stopped beating, your lungs vacating all oxygen within them in a painful exhale.
This couldn’t be happening. Acacius couldn’t be this heartless and cruel. Had he been faking all along just to gain your trust, to make you feel comfortable in his presence? How could he kiss you, make love to you every night, knowing that to him you were just cargo?
And then, the prospect of bedding that man… Vile rose up your throat — you were sure you wouldn’t be able to stomach it. He looked like a brute, cruel and dominant. And although you had a strong spirit, even the best soldiers ended up succumbing to the crushing force of bestiality.
“Did you know?” you begged of him, hugging yourself. “Did you know the plan all along?”
Finally, his expression folded — his cloudy eyes were bright with unspent tears, lips pressing into a sad pout. He moved towards you, hands extended to hug you, but you quickly retreated. You couldn’t have his hands on you, you needed to focus.
“I did,” he replied, dropping his hands when he read your body language. “I did, and I’m sorry. I wanted to tell you, I was going to… But…”
“But what?!” you screamed, the dam holding your tears breaking. A trickle of droplets cascaded down your cheeks, shouting again, “but what, Marcus?!”
“But I was afraid you’d leave. I’ve grown fond of you, I really have. I didn’t want to lose you, at least not yet. This morning, before Gaius arrived, I was going to tell you, give you a way out…” Marcus combed his unruly curls back with his fingers, obviously desperate for you to understand.
“Were you?” you mocked him with a sneery laugh, sweeping the tears off your cheeks. “Sure you were. So why didn’t you when they left, huh?”
“We were being followed, mel. They never left,” he reasoned. “That’s why I didn’t talk to you. Gaius and his henchman were watching us. I didn’t want him to think that… there is something between us.”
“There was,” you immediately corrected him, despite the instant hurt showing in his eyes. “There was something between us, Acacius. Not anymore.”
It broke you saying such a thing, especially when his words had filtered through, making you consider his truth. But even if he wasn’t lying, it wouldn’t change a thing. You were still here, delivered to a man who would destroy you and your soul.
“You have every right to feel that way, I understand, but please—”
“No, I’m done listening to your lies. You’re a coward, Acacius. A fucking pawn. The day you realise how dispensable you are to your fucking precious Caesar, you’ll have no one by your side. He’ll discard you just like you’re discarding me now, when you become an inconvenience,” you snarled at him, your pain speaking for you.
You wanted him to hurt more than you were right now. If his downcast features were any indication, he probably was. But he deserved every fucking word you threw at him. He’d betrayed you like no one else had before. You thought he was different, that he was good.
How wrong you were.
“I know, mel. I do know. But please let me explain—”
“General Acacius,” a deep voice interrupted your argument, both of you straightening your backs as if nothing of importance was happening.
Three guards had entered the stables and were right behind you. One of them grabbed your elbow rather harshly, almost tripping you over.
“The hostage needs to be readied to formally meet Antonius. We are taking her now,” the same man spoke.
A myriad of emotions ran through Marcus’ face, a full range of regret, grief and sadness. If you didn’t know any better, you would have thought that he truly cared for you. That this was breaking his heart as much as it was crumbling yours. You felt stupid for holding to a shard of hope, but you forced yourself to let go of the illusion.
General Acacius was like any other man — evil, greedy, heartless.
“Hope the gold is worth the pain,” you whispered, almost mouthed the words so only he could listen. “Take me away from here,” you told the guards.
When they hastily turned you around to drag you out of the stables, you didn’t look back, didn’t put up a fight either.
Only when you were thrown in an unknown, empty room, you allowed yourself to cry your eyes out and bang the walls of your enclosure, damning the man who brought you here.
He’d been witnessing your spiral into hell for weeks now. How the light abandoned your eyes, dull and devoid of any emotion. How your skin was coloured with fresh bruises every day, the ones around your neck more visible than others. He knew for a fact that Gaius would put a chain around your throat, the atrocious man bragging about it in front of him every chance he got.
How you would avert your eyes, evading his every time he tried to make visual contact with you. As if he was dead to you, rightfully so.
And with every encounter, his resolution faltered, and his heart chipped some more. Marcus blamed himself — for lying to you, for not being brave enough, for not setting you free when he had the chance, for not fighting for you, for not stopping the guards from taking you away from him. He saw in you all the failures he’d done, all the pain he’d caused. And it was eating him alive.
How badly he wished to travel back in time, to prevent all this from happening. But he couldn’t change the past. He couldn’t mend the harm his inaction had brought about.
Marcus couldn’t take it anymore, couldn’t stand by, seeing your soul slowly die. He was a fucking coward, you were right — too afraid to lose his station because all the effort and sacrifices would have been for naught.
But at what cost? He couldn’t lose you, although deep down he knew he already had. What a sick bastard he was.
“General Acacius,” Marcus Antonius greeted him. “Caesar sends his congratulations, the gold for your successful will be delivered to you tonight.”
He’d been focused on you for so long, the chatter of the hall had dropped to background noise. The room in the Antonius household was packed as people feasted and drank, celebrating the return of Marcus Antonius’ legion.
Marcus gave the General a stern nod, bringing the wine cup up to his lips to avoid talking. His throat felt dry with shame. No amount of coin was worth your suffering.
Antonius lingered; some small talk being exchanged although Marcus barely paid any attention to the man. When the other General tired of his unresponsiveness, he moved on to speak to his brother.
His chest burnt at the sight of Gaius. Marcus hated himself but despised Gaius even more so. How could have he delivered you to him despite knowing how brutal he would be with you?
“Go get me some more wine from the cellar, slave,” Gaius snapped at you.
You swiftly left his side, turning the corner into a corridor.
This was his chance.
Marcus slithered through the crowd like a snake ready to bite, leaving his empty cup behind. When he reached the hallway you had disappeared into, Marcus checked over his shoulder before disappearing into the shadows.
A staircase at the end of the corridor spiralled down into the underground, and he walked down the steps, pushed the heavy door and entered the cellar.
The room was lighted by some lit torches on the wall, the sweet scent of wine filling the room. As his eyes adapted to the almost darkness, Marcus scanned the place.
A quiet sob betrayed your presence. Sauntering, he found you in a corner, bloodshot eyes welling up as you hugged yourself.
He stood there, right in front of you, like a scarecrow. Frozen with guilt, unable to decide what to do, what to say, to soothe you. But when you looked up to him through your damp eyelashes, you made the decision for him.
You lurched forward into his chest, and Marcus instantly wrapped his arms around your shoulders, holding you close while you cried your sorrows in the crook of his neck. His heart was pounding so wildly, he feared he might drop dead at any second. Finally, Marcus found his hoarse voice, whispering soothing words while stroking your hair.
The fact that you went to him so eagerly, so uninhibited, broke his heart some more, the edges cracking and collapsing into itself. He didn’t deserve to hold you, to calm you, when he was the only reason you had been suffering unimaginably for this long.
“I’m so sorry,” he whispered, throat clamping down, tears threatening to fall. “I am truly sorry for being a coward, for not choosing you when I could. I was so afraid of the repercussions, of losing everything I worked so hard for…”
Marcus forced in a deep breath, the tears falling free at last. You were still sobbing, now more audibly so, and when you unglued your face from his neck to look up at him, Marcus’ breath hitched somewhere in the back of his throat. The state of you, up close, was… gut wrenching. Bruises, some fresh lacerations, but what gnawed at him the most was how lifeless you looked, so drained of purpose, of wit.
“I know it means nothing now, but I love you. From the moment I set eyes on you in that forest for the first time. And it’s taken me a shamefully long time to realise that,” because one didn’t know what they had, until they lost that one person who brightened their dark days. “You should have shot me an arrow, kill me on the spot, and you wouldn’t have suffered this much because of me.”
It felt like an empty, meaningless confession. No number of words could mend the havoc of his doing, the wounds of your heart. Only actions could.
“I know I have no right to ask, I lost that privilege the moment I lied to you. But… if you were to take me back, I’d take you away tonight, now. Damn, even if you don’t take me back, just say the word… I’d make sure you’d leave here tonight,” he husked out, heart in a fist.
You didn’t speak for what felt like an eternity. Your eyes studied his face, weighing your options. And he hoped you’d take up his offer, regardless of your feelings for him. Marcus would risk everything to right the wrong he’d caused.
“You lied to me. You let them take me away,” you sobbed, furrowing your eyebrows. “You just stood there… have been standing there in front of me for weeks… and you did nothing…”
It wasn’t accusatory, you were just stating the facts. Ones he couldn’t and wouldn’t fight you back on, because you were right.
“I did. I don’t have any excuse to offer for my behaviour other than I’m just a stupid coward.”
“You are…” you trailed off, but didn’t lean back away from him, staying still in his embrace. “But you’re here now,” you swept away the tears, some determination returning to your eyes. “You were too scared, and I was too proud. While I don’t condone you lying to me, I can see why you would. Your hands were tied as much as mine. And with Gaius and his henchman following us all the way from Bracciano to Rome… there truly wasn’t a way out there where both of us left unscathed.”
Marcus’ heart had stopped pumping blood the moment you started talking. He could honestly not believe his ears. He didn’t deserve your forgiveness, not after how badly he’d handled everything. It just felt damn wrong.
“While it might take some time for me to forgive, if I ever fully can do so, I do understand the situation you were in,” your bottom lip trembled, your words choking out.
“Oh, mel,” with tears in his eyes, Marcus dropped his hands from your shoulders. “I don’t want you to forgive me, I deserve every ounce of resentment. I deserve your hate.”
“I don’t hate you, Marcus. I love you and that’s what’s made everything way worse,” a feeble, tiny smile curled your lips whilst your delicate fingers wrap around his wrist. “And if you do love me back as you say… take me away from here, please. I can’t take it anymore. He will… he will break me for good if I stay.”
His heart jolted. He truly wasn’t deserving of you, of your love. Not after everything he’d done — or didn’t do. Closing the gap, Marcus hugged you again, pressing a soft kiss on the crown of your hair, allowing himself to inhale your sweet scent.
“I’m getting you out of here tonight.”
Marcus had kept his promise. He’d broken you free of the Antonius’ household that same night through an underground tunnel that connected the cellar to a nearby temple. The religious servants that worshipped Mars had left for the night, so escaping had been relatively easy.
Leaving Rome, however, had been a totally different matter. It was obvious that Gaius had noticed your absence, because the next morning a small entourage of legionnaires accompanied your captor to Marcus’ home. Luckily, Marcus had seen it coming and instead of going home with you, you both stalked out his place from an empty house nearby.
You had to wait till nightfall to flee, grabbing some indispensable belongings and also Marcus’ gladius, bow and arrows. Going northwards to your homeland was out of the question, given that Gaius and his brother would expect exactly that. So with a heavy heart, you accepted that you’d never return to the place you were born. Instead, Marcus had suggested to travel southwards to his hometown, Barium.
It had taken you five days to get there, feet swollen and exhausted from so much walking. Circumventing the town, you had reached Marcus’ family home. The farm had been abandoned, vines growing on the burnt façade of the small two storey farmhouse. The fences were destroyed, thick and lush vegetation taking over the farmland surrounding the building.
When you first landed eyes on the dilapidated house, Marcus’ face had torn with sadness. He didn’t speak as he approached cautiously and neither did you, giving him time to process. It had to be really hard seeing his childhood home crumbled down to its foundations, a pool of happy memories long forgotten coming back.
He showed you around, the inside of his home as bad as it looked on the outside. It was obvious people had taken the last possessions of his family, leaving behind the things that were not salvageable after the fire. The walls were still black with soot and ash, some parts of the ceiling had collapsed, the thick wooden beams becoming dust the moment you touched them.
The house was destroyed, the land barren. And Marcus stood there — steadfast, impassible. Or, at least, trying to contain the emotions running wild through his tired features.
Despite his betrayal, his lies… you felt for him. The first few days in that cell after the guards had taken you away left you with too much time in your hands. Time to overthink, to analyse, to worry yourself to death. In the end, you had come to realise that, although he could have done things differently, you understood why he couldn’t bring himself to be honest with you.
Because truth be told… you didn’t know what you’d done had the roles been reversed. If the battle after the siege of Alesia had ended in your favour, if you had taken Acacius hostage and brought him to your father… Would you have disobeyed your father’s orders of executing him? Would you have gone up in arms against your own people for someone you didn’t truly know?
Probably not. Definitely not.
So, you could only make peace with what had happened. Never forget but perhaps work towards forgiveness. Because, whether you liked it or not, you loved him. Despite how much you tried to flatly refuse that notion, you did. You fell for him, for the little details, the unspoken care, his easy demeanour. His gentleness. His heart, a bit rough around the edges, but the perfect fit to yours.
It was almost derisory. A trick of fate placed him in your path, an imminent collision of stars. Unavoidable. Final. As if Cathubodua Herself had put Marcus in your path for a reason.
“This was my room,” Marcus’ low whisper brought you back to the mundane plane.
It was a small, rectangular room. A broken window let the light in, shining on the tiny dust particles floating around. A bed with wooden posts, a wardrobe, and a chest. There was rubble everywhere, but otherwise pretty much intact.
Acacius walked through the debris and knelt in front of the chest. Taking in a deep breath, he lifted the heavy lid. You peeked above his shoulder, getting a glimpse of his past.
He chuckled; a sad gurgling noise stuck in his chest.
“My mother loved Saturnalia. It’s a festivity we celebrate in December to honour Saturn. Every year she’d made a sigillarium for me. She had a theme going on, they were always shaped as soldiers from the Roman army,” he took a terracotta figurine out, his thumb caressing the piece with reverence. “A centurion, a tribune, a legate… On my last birthday here, with them, she gifted me this.”
Marcus raised to his feet, handing over the figurine he was holding close to his heart. You took it with extreme care, afraid it would break between your fingers. The perfectly preserved sigillarium was that of a General with a black armour, a golden Medusa on the center of the breastplate. Just like the one Marcus wore in battle.
“Excuse the terrible paint job, I was never born to be an artist,” he joked, but you could see the anguish in his brown, tearful eyes. “I was so obsessed with becoming a General one day, I even wrote my name on the sole of its foot.”
You turned the piece around to inspect it and there it was, his name scrawled by a young hand.
“It’s beautiful,” you muttered, heart up in your throat. “Sounds like your mother was an amazing, loving woman.”
And he’d lost her. His father too. How alienating that had to be for a young lad with no other family.
“She… was,” Marcus barely husked out, briefly overtaken by grief. “It’s been a long time since I thought about all of this.”
You put the figurine back in the chest and laced your arms around his waist, hugging him close. He soon enveloped you too, his good hand landing on the back of your head.
Time went by, neither of you too sure for how long you both stood there. Until the hug naturally came to an end and Marcus kissed your forehead.
“Right. Enough reminiscing. Let me clean this room up a bit, we’ll spend the night here and decide what we’ll do in the morning.”
“I can help—”
“No,” he cut you off instantly. “You’re hurt, mel. You need to rest and recover.”
Gaius had put you through hell, the bruising map of your skin changing colour every single day. However, the worst wounds were not the ones visible to the naked eye, but the fragments of soul you’d lost.
And despite the pain, the emotional toll you’d taken, you were not going to let it get to you. Raised to be strong, to overcome challenges, you wouldn’t give up on yourself so easily. Not while there was a reason to keep going. In the last few months, you had lost nothing and everything. But you were ready to get it all back.
Before you could retort, Marcus guided you to a chair and got to work. Hours passed while you talked and shared snippets of your past lives, of family and friends, of childhood memories, while Acacius cleared the room. It was weird how easy it was to talk to him, how the conversation flowed naturally, never running out of topics to discuss.
“Yes, blood baths,” you said, the topic at hand having devolved rapidly into some darker matters. “Literal blood baths.”
“And you just… what? Soak in it for a while?” his confusion was so evident, you laughed.
“Yes, Marcus. It’s believed it invigorates you before a battle.”
“And whose blood is that?”
“Usually animals. Wild boars and the like,” you omitted the fact that some did use human blood, but you were not sure that his righteous mind could take that information and be normal about it.
“Usually?”
Well, he did pick up on it. You just shrugged and couldn’t help but cackle when he paled a bit at the realisation.
“I’ll stop asking questions now,” he shook his head as he laid the animal skins on the bare mattress, the room finally clean.
“For your own good, yeah, might as well.”
“Let’s eat something. Something that doesn’t bleed, preferably,” he jested, offering you a hand to stand up from the chair.
After picking up some vegetables and fruits from around the farmland, Marcus and you reconvened to show each other your findings. Some fruit trees had survived the fire as well as bushes. There wasn’t much though, considering how cold it was outside, but you would make do with what you had.
You dropped a makeshift basket on top of the chest and stepped aside for Marcus to see.
“I see you’ve gone for the berries and nuts,” he said, picking up a chestnut. “These are so sweet, here, try.”
He cracked it open and passed it on. You nibbled it, surprised of how sweet it actually tasted. The ones you had had before were bitterer, drier.
“Oh, wow, that’s amazing,” you ate the rest of it, almost licking your fingertips. “Look how plump these cherries look, I’ve been dying to try them since I picked them!”
Your hand darted forward, grabbing a handful of dark purple cherries — they looked so juicy and shiny. As you brought them to your mouth, Marcus’ fingers wrapped around your wrist, his eyes slightly widened with a sudden fear you didn’t comprehend.
“The bush you picked these from, did it have lilac bell-shaped flowers?”
“Yes?”
“Do not eat those,” he stole them from your hand, throwing them back into the basket. “That’s deadly nightshade. It’s very poisonous. A few of those berries and you wouldn’t live to tell the tale.”
“Oh,” you stuttered, your heart pumping wildly as you swiped your hand on your clothing. “I didn’t know.”
“Let’s go wash our hands in the stream nearby, then we’ll eat. Need to make sure there are no traces of those berries on your palms, okay?” he gently put a stray lock of hair behind your ear, his eyes soft again.
Perhaps it wasn’t a feast fit for kings, but it was definitely tasty. Marcus had found some pomegranates, figs and pears, and along with the chestnuts, cranberries and almonds you’d found, you both were full.
Night had fallen with a thick blanket, the stars bright and clear in the sky with a full moon illuminating the farmland around the house. Despite how desolate it all looked, it was tranquil and beautiful. You could see yourself living off the land, growing old, so far apart from humanity no one would bother you.
As you laid in bed with Marcus, you wondered what he would think of that. All his life he’d worked hard to escape this very destiny, and by whims of fate, he’d ended up exactly where he’d started.
“I like it here,” you ventured as he covered you both with the warm animal skins.
Marcus stirred under you, finding a comfortable position, but it was obvious your statement had unsettled him a bit.
“It’s not too bad,” he replied, nuzzling your hair. “I suppose that when you’re a child, everything looks worse than what it actually is. I never realised how much I missed this place until we set foot here this morning. I did have everything I wanted and needed. I wonder what my life would have looked like if I stayed, if I’d have been able to…”
He trailed off, but you knew what he meant. If he would have been able to save his parents, to put out the fire before it engulfed everything. Your heart squeezed a little — it was hard not to develop feelings for a man like him. Even when he’d let a beast take control of you. At least, he had rectified that.
“It’s never good to dwell in the what ifs, because you’ll only hurt yourself with scenarios that might or might have not happened,” you offered him some words of wisdom, kissing his jawline while your thumb traced invisible circles on his sternum. “Besides, if you had never become a General, you wouldn’t have met me.”
“And wouldn’t that have been a good thing?” he blurted out with his eyes glued to the ceiling, his guilt showing again.
A side of you agreed with him. But, at the same time, deep down you knew it wouldn’t have changed the outcome. The Romans would have won anyway, your people starved out after a month-long siege. Someone else would have taken Marcus’ place, someone who would have felt no remorse in delivering you to a beast and disposing of you, without giving you a second thought.
“We will never know,” you nuzzled the crook of his neck, his warmth seeping into your body. “And that’s the point I’m trying to make. It doesn’t matter. I believe in fate, in Cathubodua. She knows the outcome of every warrior in battle. Everything that has happened to me, to my people, was destined to be.” It didn’t make it easier though.
Marcus let go of a heavy sigh, his lips brushing your forehead with a gentleness that tugged at your heart. Because as divided as you were, as messy as this all was, your love for him was undeniable. Perhaps it was fated. Perhaps you had to suffer before you could live the life you wanted with the man you loved.
“Your goddess is definitely capricious. But I guess it makes sense,” his hand rubbed your shoulders, soothing your bristled skin.
“She gives the toughest battles to Her strongest warriors,” you joked, because that was what your father used to say.
“Well, She isn’t wrong about that. You’re the strongest person I know, that’s for sure,” he rasped, your sights locking in.
When he leaned in for a kiss, you met him halfway. The dance of tongues quickly mutated into something more intimate, more passionate. Every time you playfully retreated, he’d come and find you, dragging your tongue into his mouth. Marcus propped his elbow against the mattress so half his frame would blanket you while you just melted under his touch.
His free hand played with the hem of your shirt, unsure of what to do. The fact that he just didn’t assume what you wanted reassured you that he was, indeed, a good man. With your palm against the back of his hand, you slithered both under your garment, and when his fingers finally cupped one of your breasts, you let go.
“Are… are you sure? I don’t want— I don’t want you to think— I don’t want to hurt you. I’m happy with just holding you tonight, knowing that you’re here with me,” he confessed with a trembling voice that warmed your heart.
“I’m sure, Marcus,” you peppered kisses on his lips, his chin, his neck — anywhere your mouth would reach. “I’ve missed you.”
With a feeble smile, Marcus leaned down again, your lips fitting perfectly as his thumb swiped your nipple gently. The fondling on your breast became more pleasant with every stroke and once your taut button was all worked up, Marcus proceeded to pay the same attention to your other boob.
In no time you were breathing heavily under him, wanting to get rid of the barriers between your bodies. You fought with his shirt, and sensing your desperation, Marcus helped you get rid of it and everything else, until you both were bare in front of each other.
Marcus was kneeling on top of you, his thick thighs to either side of yours. He looked so mighty, so perfect, it was hard to ignore how handsome he was. Built like a god, you’d worship him in his temple every single day if you could. And while you devoured the sight in front of you, his weeping cock ready to take you, his eyes lingered elsewhere.
You were so lost in the moment, you’d forgotten the map of bruises dotted around your whole body. But Marcus hadn’t — you could see his irises darkening with every bruise he discovered, every mark on your skin. For the last few days, you’d done your best at covering them, but now it was unavoidable.
Gaius had done a number on you, he’d been relentlessly brutal. Every night you’d fear his mood. When he’d get you out of the crate he’d thrown you in, you knew there would be hell to pay, even though you had nothing to do with it. The month spent with him had been your darkest time, his imprints on your skin ones you wished away every night.
“I’m so sorry,” Marcus ran a hand down his face, pinching the bridge of his aquiline nose. “You didn’t deserve this. I should have acted sooner. Damn, I should have told you when we were at Lake Bracciano, give you the opp—”
“Marcus,” you called, gently removing his hand from his face so he would look at you. “What’s done is done. Let’s not think about the what ifs now, alright? I’m here now, wanting you inside me, erasing the imprint of…” you choked for a second, unable to put it into words. “Creating new memories. Can you do that, please?”
“I swear to the Gods that I’ll spend the rest of my life making it up to you, mel,” Marcus leaned forward again, his chest flush with yours as his fingers caressed your neck. “I love you.”
Even though it was the second time you had heard those three words strung together, this time around it felt… warm and hopeful, not desperate and hopeless.
Your hand landed on the back of his neck to push him down, your mouths crashing again.
Marcus painted a love map on your skin, his lips pressing kisses on every bruise he could find, awakening the side of you that had been dormant since the moment you left his side in the stables. Soon enough his kisses travelled south, too far down. When he settled flat between your thighs, nipping below your belly button, one of your hands darted to his head, grabbing a fistful of his curls.
“It’s okay, cor meum (my heart). Let me make you feel good, please,” he cooed, and you couldn’t resist.
Freeing his hair, Marcus slithered further down until his mouth kissed your inner thighs. A little shy, you tried hiding your core, but his insistent pecks along with his broad shoulders coaxing your legs apart melted away your last defences.
“So beautiful,” he mumbled, his warm breath fanning your glistening skin. “You are so wet already, sweetheart, and I haven’t even touched this sweet dripping nook yet.”
Before you could say anything, he lapped at your entire slit in one stroke, leaving you gasping for air and moaning his name. Marcus didn’t stop there, urged on by your little whimpers as the tip of his tongue found your hooded clit. He twirled and swirled and latched onto it, your clit throbbing in no time as Marcus ate you out expertly.
Drunk with lust, he nuzzled the tip of his nose on your nub, almost sending you over the edge when he inhaled sharply, feasting on your womanly scent. His mouth soon found your leaking hole and stroked it softly, outlining the circle of your entrance with the tip of his tongue. The moment he dipped it in, you mewled uncontrollably, grabbing onto the animal skins for dear life.
Marcus fucked you with his tongue until the tense coil inside you snapped, a million stars bursting behind your eyelids. Holding onto his hair now, you pressed his face into your pussy, screaming and shaking as you shamelessly came on his mouth. He drank your release eagerly, lapping you clean.
A last kiss on your stimulated kiss, then on your mound, and Marcus finally emerged from in between your legs with a triumphant smile, his moustache and stubble soaked with your cream.
“You taste so good, want to try?” you almost missed his question, your heart beating so hard it was deafening, but you managed to nod.
Marcus climbed up your body and bowed down for a kiss, which you eagerly reciprocated. He tasted sweet — no, you did.
“I need to be inside you, sweetheart. I can’t hold it much longer,” Marcus said almost between gritted teeth.
Gazing down, you saw his throbbing cock resting heavily on your mound. The head was glistening with precum, dripping onto your skin, leaving a beautiful pearl behind. Your cunt gushed at the prospect of housing him, needing him as much as he did you.
Wrapping your legs around his waist and with your heels dug in his buttocks, you pushed him into you. Understanding the unspoken invitation, Marcus aligned his seeping cock with your slick hole and slowly dove in, your walls parting, sheathing him as you were meant to be.
Fully seated now, Marcus kissed the tip of your nose to then rest his forehead against yours. You felt so full, so blissed, there wasn’t room in your mind for anything else. His weight on top of you provided an extra layer of warmth and protecting, his forearms framing your head.
Neither of you spoke, but when Marcus pulled out and back in, you both moaned in unison. His pace was cautious, loving, gentle. His hips waved as he softly fucked into you, drinking your moans in a messy kiss. But it wasn’t long until his slow rhythm devolved into something more urgent, more primal.
Marcus thrusted in more harshly now, the tip of his cock dragging along your anterior wall, hitting the right spot every time. He was pumping into you so hard now, that your whole body swayed under him, no matter how strong you held onto his shoulders. The slap of skin meeting skin and your shared arousal gurgling every time he hammered into you sent you into overdrive.
You climbed to the top of your pleasure, Marcus helping you get there quickly. With one last push, you finally came crashing down, your pussy juicing around his girth while your inner walls hugged him tight, clenching and pulsing wildly, commending him to follow you into a blissful orgasm.
“You’re too damn tight, holding onto me like that,” Marcus grumbled, fighting against his own climax now. “Mel, please let go, I can’t—”
You shook your head no, digging your heels into his ass cheeks again so he would continue to fuck into you, chasing his own climax. Finding relief within you. You squeezed your walls around him, wanting to milk him.
“Shit, are you sur—?”
“Marcus,” you cut him off, eyes hazy with desire, mind numb. “Come inside. Fill me up, warm me up.”
With a strangled moan, Marcus’ head fell in the crook of your neck whilst he rutted into you like a man possessed. His cock pulsed inside you, and you consciously clutched around him at the same time you raked your fingers through his sweaty curls.
Until he finally spilt inside you, his warm seed coating your walls with his pearly white. And when you thought he was done, Marcus surprised you with yet another spurt, his spent filling you up to the brim.
Marcus crumbled on top of you, his softening cock still snug inside your pussy, his whole body weight crushing you. But instead of suffocating, it felt calming, soothing. For a long while you both stayed there — you drawing invisible lines on his back, and him kissing every bruise until you both fell asleep on his tiny childhood bed.
Hooves. A clip-clop sound in the distance, slowly approaching. The wind carried a command, “They’re here, find them.”
At first, Marcus thought it a dream. But soon he realised it was no product of his imagination at all. The voices were very real, threatening the peace of his home. Even though he knew who they were, he still needed confirmation.
Getting up from bed, careful not to wake you yet, Marcus peeked through the window. His fear materialised the second he recognised Gaius and three of his goons. They were on foot, although Marcus was sure of what he heard, therefore suspected they had left their horses hidden away somewhere nearby.
You both had to leave. Now. There wasn’t much time to do anything about it — chances were not good when you were doubled in number, and you were still recovering from your injuries. He could take some lives with his, but would prefer not to get to swordfight if he could avoid it.
Lurching forth, Marcus tapped your shoulder with urgency, his thumb brushing your cheek as your eyelashes fluttered open.
“Mhm?” you mumbled, sleepy, as you rubbed your eye with the side of your hand.
“They’ve found us. Gaius is here, mel. We need to leave,” he urged you, helping you up when your orbs finally popped open with alarm. “Listen to me. We’re going to be fine. Their horses must be on the back, tied by the river. We get there, being as stealthy as possible, and we leave.”
“Marcus,” you exhaled, panicky, as you stood up.
He could see the memories flooding your mind, your eyes blurry with pain. His heart cried for you, for the harsh times he’d put you through. But you were right, there was no time to dwell on the past, he couldn’t change it. But he could protect you now, learn from his mistakes.
“Grab the bow and arrow,” he hurried towards the pile of armour, putting it on as fast as he could.
You gave him a hand, tightening the leather strips to secure the breastplate in place, and then took the weapons, while Marcus seized his gladius. Right behind you, Marcus guided you through the rubble to get to the back of the house. The voices were closer now, prominent as they talked to each other, clearing the rooms they’d already checked out.
The backdoor connecting the kitchen with the backyard was blocked with debris, so Marcus helped you up the window. When your feet landed on the ground, he perched himself on the windowsill.
“Acacius!” Gaius’ guttural groan made him turn before he jumped off the window.
The man’s features were distorted by rage, spit flying off his mouth when he repeated his name again. The sight of him made his blood boil, his primal instinct asking him to make him pay for what he’d done to you. But he couldn’t risk your safety again. Perhaps one day he could act on it.
With his heart pumping hard, Marcus veered around and jumped off the window. Your widened eyes told him you’d heard your captor’s voice now. The horror they emanated just made his chest swell with regret.
The men were too close, he doubted you both could lose them in a chase. Had he reacted sooner, perhaps you could have escaped the house before they set foot in it. But now, with them on your heels, chances were slim.
If he wanted to give you a fighting chance, to delay these men, he knew what he had to do. And, surprisingly, the decision was easy to make, as easy as breathing really. It was the least he could do for you and if he made it out alive, then he’d make sure to find you afterwards. But the reality was, he knew he wouldn’t survive fighting four men on his own.
“No matter what, you run. You run for those trees and don’t look back,” he desperately asked of you. “You hear me? You keep running.”
“Marcus—”
“You keep running,” he punctuated every word. “Promise me.”
“I… I promise,” you muttered, squeezing his hand in yours. “I love you.”
“I love you too. Now run. I’ll be right behind you,” he pushed your shoulders.
As soon as your feet rushed beneath you, Marcus stopped a few metres behind you. Swirling around on his heels, gladius on hand and standing his ground, Marcus faced the men giving you chase.
If this was how he died, it was a noble way to go.
Running on pure adrenaline, you ran as fast as your feet could take you. Your heart was thudding in your chest, climbing up your throat, your lungs burning. Everything hurt, this strenuous effort not aiding your healing at all.
“Marcus—”
When you turned around, just a few feet away from the forest’s boundary, you realised he was nowhere to be seen. You scanned your surroundings nervously but couldn’t locate him. He said he’d be right behind you, so where the fuck was he?
Coming to a complete halt, you looked in the distance and your heart plummeted to the depths of your stomach. Marcus had stayed behind to win you time. To sacrifice himself for your freedom.
“No, no, no, no,” you chanted as your heartbeat rang anxiously in your eardrums.
Desperation took over you, not being able to come to terms with what was happening. You wouldn’t let him do this, not if you could avoid it. Dying for you was not the way to mend your wounds, it would only make them deeper and more painful.
No, you were not letting him do this.
Retracing your steps, you ran back towards them. As you approached the fight, closing in the distance, you saw three bodies peppered around on the ground, unresponsive and bloody. From the distance you couldn’t tell who they were, but when your frightened eyes landed on the two figures exchanging blows, you knew they were Marcus and Gaius.
When you were only fifty meters away, a bunch of branches crunched beneath your feet. The noise, which should have gone unnoticed, alerted Marcus of your presence. His focus redirected at you for a second, eyes wide with fear for your safety, opening his flank to Gaius.
“Marcus, no!” you screamed at the top of your lungs, trying to alert him of Gaius’ next blow.
You shouted too late. Gaius struck Marcus to the floor, your lover’s sword jangling when it landed far from his hand.
Time stilled, everything happening at very slow motion.
Gaius towered behind Marcus, grabbing his hair to have him on his knees.
You stopped right in your tracks, pulling the bow above your head.
Marcus’ eyes locked in with yours, a silent plea for you to keep running, to stay away from this, all while Gaius placed a sword right in front of his neck.
You slotted in the arrow, aim clear, your target Gaius’ forehead.
Gaius laughed.
You let go of the shaft, the arrow flying fast towards them.
And just in the nick of time, before the arrowhead met Gaius’ head, your captor sliced Marcus’ throat.
“NO!” you wailed, dropping to your knees, fingers digging in the ground while your heart got obliterated right in front of you.
The arrow kissed Gaius’ forehead, then he tumbled back and fell backwards, the sound of his bodyweight not being half as satisfying as it should have been. When Gaius’ fingers let go of Marcus’ head, Acacius dropped to his side, a river of red staining his armour.
As fast as you could, you rose to your feet and skidded through the mud when you got to Marcus’ side.
He was still bleeding but was long gone. Life had abandoned his brown orbs, now dull and opaque. Marcus was still warm as you cradled his battered body close to your chest. For the first few minutes while you held him, you felt nothing. But when his body began to turn cold in your embrace, reality set in.
He was dead. The man who brought you here, the man who lied to you, the man who saw his own weakness and decided to change, the man you loved, the man who sacrificed himself so you could escape.
Perhaps the outcome would have been different had you not alerted him of your presence. What if he hadn’t heard you? What if he hadn’t been distracted? What if he had won Gaius, had you obeyed his orders? What if his death was your fault after all?
“It’s never good to dwell in the what ifs, because you’ll only hurt yourself with scenarios that might or might have not happened,” you had told him not long ago.
There was no point to overanalyse everything that had happened. What was done, was done.
Still hugging him, you cried your sorrows and regrets until the day bled into nightfall. When your eyes finally ran dry, you dragged Marcus’ dead body inside. You managed to lay him on his back on his childhood bed, and took the time to clean the blood off his skin. Sutured the gash on his neck too, changed his clothes for fresh ones, and checked Marcus’ belongings.
He still had some coins in his saddlebag. You found two denarii, which you grabbed before returning to his deathbed. Carefully, you placed the coins over his shut eyes — you knew some of the Roman rites, having seen them being performed after battles. It was payment for the ferryman who would carry Marcus’ soul over to the Underworld.
Then you snatched the sigillarium he’d shown you last night—the one his mother gifted him of a General with his name carved in the sole of its boot—and placed it on his chest. You hoped his parents were right there waiting for him, welcoming him with open arms.
You knelt by his side, keeping vigil, while your thumb gently stroked the back of his hand.
Your future was uncertain but clear at the same time. You were deep down in enemy’s territory, with no way of getting back to your homeland. Alone, with no friends and Marcus dead. Your father would probably be paying now for your escape, for Gaius’ and his men’s deaths.
There weren’t many more options at hand.
So you stood up, sauntering towards the baskets with the remaining fruit from last night. The purple berries were still there, and Marcus’ clear words suddenly came back to you.
“A few of those berries and you wouldn’t live to tell the tale.”
It was apparent now why you would have picked them. Destiny knew.
With no doubt left stalking you now, you picked ten of them and one by one brought them to your lips. Slowly you chewed them, the rich sweetness of their flavour a welcome taste on your tongue. It was true what they said, that death was sweet.
You returned to the bed where Marcus was lying and climbed on it, you curled up against his side and kissed his cheek one last time. Taking a few deep breaths, you let yourself fall in an eternal slumber.
Perhaps you’d meet him in that underground cave, perhaps he’d be waiting for you.
Perhaps this was how it was all supposed to end, what was fated from the beginning. What was truly meant to be — a lovers’ struggle, a lovers’ tragedy.
A lovers’ end.
#fic: the road to rome#almostfoxgloveangst2#marcus acacius#general marcus acacius#marcus acacius x reader#marcus acacius x you#marcus acacius x female reader#marcus acacius fanfiction#marcus acacius angst#general acacius#marcus acacius fic#gladiator#gladiator au#gladiator 2#gladiator 2 fanfiction#pedro pascal#pedro pascal character#pedro pascal fanfiction#pedro pascal x reader#pedro pascal fic#pedro pascal fandom#pedro pascal cinematic universe#ppcu#pedro pascal x you#general acacius x reader#general acacius x you
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Ultimate Zaundads Quote guides
All the important Zaundads Quotes
I was reading this post on iconic couple quotes and I realized that this is kinda hard for Zaundads considering they have like two scenes where they actually talk to each other. So it's hard not to do "well, just everything". Still, here are all the best ones, highlightes for my faves.
"I trusted you. And you betrayed me."
"I'll show you what you really are."
"I hated you, but you kept my respect."
"I hated you for what you'd done. But as time passed, so did my hate. "
"What I did to you… I've never forgiven myself."
"Greatest thing we can do in life is find the power to forgive."
"What's the point if we can't raise an ankle biter or two?"
"We shared a vision, Vander. A dream of freedom. Not just for the Lanes, but the whole of the underground, united as one. The nation of Zaun. Do you even remember?"
"I had no choice." - "Perhaps. But now you do. Shimmer. We have the power. We can finally realize our dream,"
"Silco. Let her go. This is between you and me." - "You had your chance."
"You'd die for the cause, but you won't fight for one? "
"I knew you still had it in you."
"Ever wonder what it's like to drown? Story of opposites. There's peace in water. Like it's holdin' you, whisperin' in low tones to let it in. And every problem in the world will fade away. But then there's this thing… …in your head, and it's raging. Lighting every nerve with madness. To fight. To survive. And all the while, this question lingers before you: "Have you had enough?" It's funny. You could pass a lifetime without ever facing a choice like that. But it changes you forever. For that, I thank you… old friend."
"Oh, it all makes sense now, brother."
"A thousand times I've imagined this moment. Never like this. All we ever wanted."
"You hear that, Bozo 2? We made it. We're done. Oh, you're sadly mistaken. I'm Bozo 1."
"I've looked everywhere, but… it's clear you don't wanna be found. God, I'm shit at this. I'm sorry. When she died, I lost my head. I told myself what I did to you was for the greater good, that you deserved it. But the dirt was on both our hands. Anyway, you know where to find me. Blisters and bedrock. V."
"If he found this, everything might have been different."
Bonus "indirect quotes"
"Benzo, stay back. […] Wait!" (Vander not wanting Benzo to attack Silco)
"We had nothing. You know what bore us through those times? Loyalty. Brothers and sisters back-to-back against whatever the world threw at us. Now I'm forced to share the air with parasites like you, who leach off their legacies."
"Tonight a harebrained scheme these two bozos cooked up to turn a dank crack in the earth into a thriving, healthy community became a reality."
"So there's a chance for us yet." (Silco to Vander in 2x07)
Merchant: "This is vile." Vander: "You'll learn to love it." (Vander about Zaunite tobacco)
"There's worse things than enforcers out there." (Vander about ?? Silco? Other Zaunite criminals? )
"Fear haunts us all, child." (Silco about ?? The dreams he has about Vander drowning him?)
"Betrayal, that pain that feels like it'll eat you from the inside out,"
"You two are gonna figure this Zaun thing out. I don't care if you have to carve it out of the bedrock, covered in blisters. You're not allowed to fail anymore."
"Nearly forgot. I ran into an old friend of yours. He had some stories. You weren't always the peacekeeper, were you? - Yeah, well, you can't escape the past. Right?"" (Marcus and Vander about Silco)
"You told me a million times. [...] Blah, blah, blah [...]" (Jinx complaining about just how often Silco talks about Vander)
"Silco thinks he made Jinx, with all his rants and his hard-won lessons. "Excise your doubts, Jinx." "Be what they fear, Jinx." Like everything was the same as when Vander left him."
Did I forget any? What is your ultimate Silco and Vander quote?
Bonus:
Full dialogue of selected scenes under the cut:
Silco and Vander in 1x03: S: It's a little crude, I'll admit. The base violence necessary for change. But we both know topside won't listen to anything else. V: Even with your monsters, you won't win a war against Piltover. S: I don't have to. I just need to scare them. They won't dare set foot in the underground again. V: You'll get people killed. For what? Pride? S: For respect. Opportunity. Everything they've denied us. V: You had my respect. The Lanes' respect, but that… that was never enough for you. S: We shared a vision, Vander. A dream of freedom. Not just for the Lanes, but the whole of the underground, united as one. The nation of Zaun. Do you even remember? I trusted you. And you betrayed me. V: What I did to you… I've never forgiven myself. You were my brother. S: No, you still don't understand. Can you imagine what it's like? When your blood mixes with the filth and the river toxins eat through your nerves. Oh, I hated you for what you'd done. But as time passed, so did my hate. And I was left with an understanding. The only way to defeat a superior enemy is to stop at nothing. To become what they fear. I hated you, but you kept my respect. Until you made peace with them. Played lapdog after everything we suffered. V: I had no choice. S: Perhaps. But now you do. Shimmer. We have the power. We can finally realize our dream, brother. V: Look at what you've done. Benzo. These kids. In fighting topside, you'd sacrifice everything that we are. It's not the way. Can't you see that? kill me if you have to, but please spare the Lanes. S: You'd die for the cause, but you won't fight for one? V: I'm just… not that man anymore. S: I'll show you what you really are.
Jinx and Silco 1x05:
S: I almost drowned in these waters. J: You told me a million times. S:Vander wasn't the man you thought he was. J: Right, he was like a brother to you, and he turned his back and blah, blah, blah. Did I miss anything? S: I've got a new one for you. That day, I let a weak man die. And another was reborn. Betrayal, that pain that feels like it'll eat you from the inside out, can either break you or forge you into something greater. You need to let Powder die. So the fear of pain will no longer control you. You're strong now. Just like you were always meant to be. Jinx is perfect.
Silco vs Chembarons 1x07: Have you forgotten where we came from? The mines they had us in? Air so thick it clogged your throat. Stuck in your eyes. But I pulled you all up from the depths. Offered you a taste of topside. And fresh air. I gave you life. Purpose. But you've grown fat and complacent. Too much time in the sun. We came from a world where there was never enough to go around, Finn. That is why we fight. Do you remember?
Silco vs Finn 2x09: S: I'm busy. F: When you took Vander out of play, I thought, "Now here's a man who understands what it takes to run an enterprise." The attitude, the instinct, the eye. The whole package, you were. Always two steps ahead. But time's lapped you, old man. S: You're with him, are you? F: You screwed up, Silco. S: You're too young to remember what the undercity was before it became an "enterprise".We had nothing. You know what bore us through those times? Loyalty. Brothers and sisters back-to-back against whatever the world threw at us. Now I'm forced to share the air with parasites like you, who leach off their legacies. F: Today's the day you die, Silco. S: That's a risk I've known all my life. But I still believe in loyalty.
Silco at the Vander statue: S: A thousand times I've imagined this moment. Never like this. All we ever wanted. The boy didn't even haggle. And what do I lose but problems? Oh, it all makes sense now, brother. Is there anything so undoing as a daughter?
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The fact that there are mfs with the nads to talk about "AfAb PrIvEleDGE" in the comments of my Sam Nordquist post disgusts me to my very soul. A human being, with a family, dreams, hobbies, a job, friends, was taken from this world in a very slow cruel way, who just so happened to be a trans man. And all you little shit stains care about is using this as an opportunity to further demean trans men. If this was a trans woman who was victimized and trans men + their supporters were doing and saying the same shit y'all are saying right now, mfs would be doxxed, inboxes flooded, accounts banned.
The reason why we don't have that many stats on IPV or murders of trans men is because they are recorded as female. If Sam's family hadn't already filed a missing person's report that specified that he was transgender and if they had never come forward when his body was recovered, chances are he would have been written off as a cis woman.
People are dying, dead, and more are going to die in the coming years as a result of Trump 2.0. If you're sitting here and claim that there's some magic privilege trans men get because of their genitals or gender, then you need to sit down and reevaluate your beliefs. Trans men are still at risk for discrimination, violence, rape, kidnapping, and torture just as trans women are. Patriarchy doesn't differentiate between flavors of transness, we're all faggot degenerate trannies to the system. Transness is in inherent opposition to patriarchy. Genitals or gender identity do not make someone ontologically evil and bad. Good fucking grief, never in my life did I think I'd need to constantly dumb down basic intersectionality and solidarity and repeat it over and over again in the year 2025, but here we fucking are!
We've gone through so many of these phases where we attack another queer group for the most inane shit imaginable. When will you little fucks finally unpack your internalized fascism?? When will you finally kill the cop in your head??? It better be soon, because shit is only gonna get worse from here. Will "AFAB privilege" still exist when we're all in camps?
A man that was part of our community has died. Can you swallow your pride and come together with the rest of us to support his family and the rest of our community for five fucking seconds??? Jfc.
EDIT: It has come to my attention that the person who originally made the post in my comments actually supports trans men and made that comment sarcastically. I have apologized to this person, however I do feel that this post should remain up. Transandrophobia is still a real issue that must be combatted. I reacted so strongly because I live with and am very close friends with a trans man. I see how this strain of "feminism" has harmed him. These beliefs have tangible effects irl. I know somewhere out there, on Tumblr or elsewhere, there are people making light of Sam's death because of his AGAB and gender identity. I know its happening because I've seen this movie a million times. Y'all clown on trans men + mascs whenever they try to speak up on the minor stuff they face, so it would not be a big leap for folks to throw around "theyFAB" or other horrible slurs for this person. Tranandrophobes and excorsexists downplayed and mocked the death of Nex Benedict, so it would not surprise me if the same thing was happening in their little forums with Sam Nordquist.
#transphobia#transandrophobia#sam nordquist#transgender#transfem#trans masc#lgbtq+#non binary#agender#genderqueer#two spirit#important#bigender#pangender#trigender#demiboy#demisexual#demiromantic#demigirl#lesbian#gay#bisexual#pansexual#asexual#aromantic#intersex
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So like I've been having a really serious internal conversation about this with myself and @luulapants let me know if I'm distracting from rather than adding to here, I'll happily budge over to another post.
There's this debate that rolls through the activist community every few years about "changing the system from within" and whether or not it's a useful approach. I have always had a REALLY hard time with this conversation for reasons that are hard to convey to others but I'm gonna try here:
It is absolutely not debateable that systems change and dictate the actions of the individuals operating it, regardless of their praxis or moral approach because the literal function of systems like this is to muffle the variations and standard deviations across a societal need area, for better and for worse. You cannot change a system from within because internally these systems are stagnant and atrophying relics of "stability" implemented overtop a world of immeasurable and uncontrollable variables
Most people who are accused of "wanting to change the system from within" are being assigned a strawman, not an honest reading of their motivation and praxis. I know this because *I* get accused of doing this all the time and I have absolutely NEVER attempted to institute systemic change from the inside of the system, even on the rare occasions my action was strictly legislative or judicial. There is, for MANY OF US a difference between "this system will continue to exist with or without me until it is forced to change by external factors, and in the meantime real human beings are still depending on this system to survive, and I genuinely do not believe it is reasonable to ask us to abandon them as casualties of the system while we restrict out action from the outside. This is where multi-prong movements that were affiliated and loosely coordinated while operating in entirely different spheres of friction and resistance (aka diversity of tactics) comes in. For my classic example, you can see the voting rights activists over the 1800s and 1900s splitting organizations into militants, congressional relationships, community organization, and Martyrs. While these groups were rarely formally affiliated, the people in them knew each other, often shared strategy with each other, and acted of not in coordination than at least in awareness of what the other prongs of the movement were doing.
The question of whether or not "changing the system from the inside" is feasible is the WRONG question. The right question is "what do we do about the fact that, regardless of what you as an individual may believe about the role of these governing and authoritative bodies (I believe some not great things folks!), almost every single person living here has a loved one who is dependent on the functioning of these systems, or is dependent on those systems themselves. When they are attacked, what are the material implications for those under whom it creates a floor (whether with aid, employment, programs/"supports", etc)?"
What is the benefit and to whom of people in activism spaces deciding that anyone who is still affiliated with/employed by the federal government is an ideological traitor and doesn't deserve inclusion in or access to spaces of solidarity?
It is very important to me that I continue to do what I have always done and care for/support the people I am able to in the ways I am able to, and a far more pervasive amount of that than I think young activists may realize does include the apocraphyl lesbian who worked for Bush senior when he was considering banning queers from federal employment who told him "me and many other extremely important staffers will be removed if you do this", and we got Don't Ask Don't Tell instead. Was DADT good?? Fuck no. But the fed was GOING to hurt us some how. The queers "on the inside" were able to shift and transmute that harm, and the queers "on the outside" were able to challenge it and exentually end it.
I don't know that I have a point here and I certainly don't think I'm the grand arbiter of technique and strategy here but like.
My goal is to keep as many people alive as I can for as long as possible. Why does it feel like some folks chose the goal "be the most moral all the time without taking the time to understand the moral/ethical dilemmas actually being faced"?
Some of you are falling hard for the Trump/Musk anti-federal worker propaganda. I think part of the problem is that a lot of people genuinely don't know how the federal government works, so here's an overview on the intended and current state of the so-called fourth branch of government, the federal bureaucracy:
Executive agencies are considered to be within the executive branch, officially, but can only be created, disbanded, funded, and have new leadership appointed through congressional approval. Well, in theory that is.
The majority of staff in federal agencies are called "career staff" who are nonpolitical civil servants who do every kind of work you can imagine, from IT to accounting to scientific field work to livestock inspections to nursing at VA hospitals. They do not, typically, change from one administration to the next, which is essential to ensure the government is able to continue functioning without interruption. These individuals of course can and do hold their own political opinions, but there are stringent rules on how, when, and where they can express them. It is arguably the most racially diverse workforce in the country. Many are veterans, and many are disabled.
Each agency is headed by a political office appointed by the president and confirmed by Congress. This includes a Secretary or Administrator and all of their hand-picked office staff, who are called "politicals." However, even before Congress confirms the president's nominee, the president can appoint an interim leader with no approval, who has essentially all the same powers but can't hold the position for very long. In short, even in those offices where a leader has not been confirmed by Congress, they are being led by Trump appointees.
When Trump makes an Executive Order, those orders are immediately dispensed through the executive agencies, who must abide by the letter of the order. I saw someone say NPS was "complying in advance" by taking the T off LGBT, but these changes were made across all agencies in direct response to Trump's "Defending Women" order. Any career who did not follow this order would have immediately been fired with cause, no unemployment eligibility, and in the current environment we also know their position would be permanently dissolved.
This is what we're dealing with right now. Trump (and his puppet master Musk) do not have the authority to dissolve government agencies, but they are trying to gut them, harassing careers and making the public turn against them, conducting illegal firings, threatening them into resigning. When people leave, their positions will disappear. Their intent is to diminish the staff until the agencies are non-functional. That's why careers are picking their battles. We're holding on by our fingernails to keep federal agencies alive and functioning. We're in the midst of a hostile takeover, a literal coup of the US government.
Yes, it's awful the T was removed on the website. We don't want this. But I promise that is small potatoes compared to the other battles being fought. I have trans coworkers being forced back to the office and they don't know what bathroom they can use. Our personal information is being leaked to hate groups. Careers are getting threats and spam to their work and personal emails. Most of us expect to be illegally fired. Soon. Last week was the largest layoff in American history, and it's just the beginning.
Please support federal workers. We are under attack.
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"I Can't Hear It Now" is a CaitVi song (and I can prove it)
Ok, I know how this might sound, like I'm trying to make everything CaitVi related and I have no respect for Cait's loss and her feelings.
I promise though, that this might actually make sense... and if it does, then it's gonna be heartbreaking.
FIrst of all, I'd like to say that Freya Ridings' "I Can't Hear It Now" has been my favourite song since the very beginning of Arcane's second season, shattering my soul in enough pieces to make a challenging puzzle. The words and the way they're sung are heartfelt and moving, taking us through the kaleidoscope of feelings Cait experiences during her mother's funeral.
I'm a sucker for good music adding meaning to a show and its scenes and Arcane is exactly the kind of show that'd do that, so I've been eager to fully explore each song in the show's context, starting with this one.
When I first listened to it, I immediately thought that it was Caitlyn pleading Cassandra for guidance through her grief and her sense of guilt, because, as Cait herself admits, her mother left a huge hole in Piltover's political scene and in her own family and she has no clue as to how deal with it.
"Just tell me how to keep breathing while pretending I'm not drowning" seemed to me as something one would ask to their parent, were they a person with an important political role, having to constantly keep up appearances. Caitlyn, young and in mourning as she is after her mother's death, is also left alone to face publicly the loss, because her father is clearly in no condition to do that and she doesn't know what she's supposed to do to be a good replacement for both of her parents. I think everyone would understand, if she were to pray her deceased mother for help.
With time, though, I started rethinking my whole interpretation, because a few elements seemed off. Two are the ones that matter the most:
To be a song about a Piltovan dealing with grief by conversing with her lost one, it would've been weirdly spiritual. Although I don't know much about the city's lore, a quick research clarified that Piltover doesn't seem to have an official religion or religious belief and, in my experience, talking to a deceased person and asking them for guidance is something deeply rooted in spirituality and religion. Of course, when mourning everyone can talk to their lost ones as a form of coping mechanism, but in the song it is explicitly stated that the person Caitlyn is talking to can see her (Where you watch while these dreams gently float away), which is something we never hear from her. Caitlyn, actually, believes exactly on the contrary, which is that her mother has left a duty she doesn't know how to fulfill and she can't turn to her to find her way; in fact, she never appeals to Cassandra in any fashion. She remembers her, probably wonders whether she's proud of her or not, but she never reaches out to her directly. Long story short, then, the lyrics seem directed more to a living person than to a dead one;
Some lines simply don't apply to Cassandra. Look, I know I shouldn't take every word literally, but here some things wouldn't make any sense anyway. Like the way your voice always sounds when you sing to me doesn't appear to me as a line I could ever imagine Cait addressing to her mother. Cassandra, even though she wasn't a terrible mother, was still an estimated Councillor and head of one of Piltover's richest and strongest families. She raised her daughter hoping some day she'd take over and sit proudly on her seat at the Council table. Caitlyn was educated as an aristocrat without wanting to be one ("I know you doubt the merit of your birthright, Caitlyn"), which sparked several arguments between them. Cassandra, despite loving her daughter, could never fully accept or understand her and her upbringing and position probably made everything worse. In other terms, Cassandra wasn't probably the kind of mum that'd sing Caitlyn lullabies. Also, again, the verb is conjugated in the present tense, as if the person addressed in the song was still alive. Just tell me how to keep breathing while pretending I'm not drowning sounded pretty odd to me as well. While it is undoubtly true that Cassandra was probably a professional pretender because of her social position, what Caitlyn is asking for is something much deeper: she's asking to be pulled out from a black hole of sorrow and hatred. It takes experience to put on a good poker face when given such a challenge and, even if we don't know much about Cassandra herself, I could guess that she'd have lacked that sort of knowledge.
Going briefly back to the funeral scene, we can all recall that, while Cassandra and Caitlyn were both in colour, there was also another character highlighted as the heart of that moment: Vi. Vi, who, as it is made perfectly clear through the whole second season, is Caitlyn's anchor. She's the person she relies on the most, starting a war to save her father and letting go of the person she despises the most for her. She goes through her plan with her, asking her what Jinx's fate should be. Vi's the person she turns to when she feels like breaking down instead of her own dad. In other words, in such a desperate moment, if Caitlyn needed someone to talk to, she'd go to Vi.
And that's when the song starts making even more sense:
. There is an ocean so dark down below the waves/ Where you watch while these dreams gently float away: while Caitlyn's saying goodbye to her mother, Vi... watches. Almost like a worried guardian, she keeps her distance while empathising with her girl's feelings, literally watching while their dreams of peace, love and freedom leave with the coffin;
. And there is a silence so soft it's only memory/ Like the way your voice always sounds when you sing to me: this is such a CaitVi thing to me. Do you remember the wind chimes scene? Her thought of Jinx makes the wind grow furious just like her, while the thought of Vi calms her down. When Cait is tormented by the terrifying noise of Jinx's laughter breaking the silence, Vi comes in and restores it. It's no accident that the only music we can hear in the end is Vi's singing, a soft humming;
. But I can't hear it now/ Just tell me how to keep breathing while pretending I'm not drowning: to enjoy silence and not feel suffocated by it, your mind must be at peace. At the very beginning of the season, Cait's isn't. Her anger, her sense of guilt scream loud enough to drown Vi's voice. Still, Caitlyn turns to her, because Vi's the only person in her life that knows what she's going through. In fact, when Caitlyn's losing it, because she has no idea of how to fill the hole left by Cassandra, it is Vi that replies: "It gets smaller, but you never fill it".
So here it is, I rest my case.
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Hi,
I'm not sure how to approach this without sounding like an ignorant asshole, but I'll give it a go.
I'm from a country where the Trans movement isn’t very visible, and most of what I know about it comes from the internet. I’ve never truly understood gender dysphoria. I’ve tried to listen and put myself in others' shoes, but I struggled to be genuinely empathetic. Instead, I just tried to be supportive because it was expected of me, without really getting it.
It might sound silly, but reading Underline the Black made me stop and think… Wait, is this what I think it is? Reading Efnisien’s internal monologues and introspection made me feel something—maybe not from the same circumstances, but in a way that something inside my brain clicked, and I finally saw where the pain was coming from.
I guess what I really want to say is thank you. Thank you for helping me begin to understand and for broadening my perspective. It might sound small, but it’s something I deeply appreciate. I’ve been trying for a long time.
I do feel a bit foolish realizing that it took an ABO fanfic for me to get it… but at the same time, I was also reading about your real-life experiences. Or at least, that’s how it seemed to me. Forgive me if I’m wrong.
You have an incredible talent for expression.
Anon, until you know otherwise, everyone has to start somewhere. This applies to unlearning our biases and prejudices, which we all have for something, or many things, until we unlearn them. The fact that you've even tried to be supportive of something you don't really understand is still important, and still matters. It's a step into understanding, even if you don't have it yet.
I don't think it's foolish that it took you a story to realise what you've realised! This is actually exactly why representation of diversity (in gender, sexuality, culture, race, etc.) is so important in fiction. Because it's in fiction we can be free to explore concepts that are different to our own, or that challenge us, or make us see the world differently. This is why it's so important to know it's possible to identify with a trans character, or a POC character, or a character from a different culture to ours etc. Because that's when we humanise what we previously saw as like, different, Other, hard to understand. We go 'oh that's...really relatable actually, I think I'd feel the same way if that was my experience of life' or 'I don't know if I'd feel the same way but I really understand where that person is coming from.'
Gender dysphoria is complex, and different for different people. Being able to write it metaphorically through Efnisien's journey has been really interesting for me personally, because I've been able to depict both the inner conflict of knowing that your being is not...automatically going to be accepted as normal no matter what, unless you stifle or suffocate yourself, alongside the true euphoria and joy that can come with living as your best life, or your very self.
I have once seen a good analogy which is simply: Imagine from tomorrow onwards, everyone uses the pronouns you don't associate with yourself. You are bullied and mocked unless you wear clothing that is opposite to how you want to appear to others. You are put down and treated as psychologically abnormal for finding joy in true expression, even when that expression doesn't actually hurt anyone else at all. And now tell yourself that even your loved ones, when you desperately try to explain how wrong it all feels to be treated as so different to your true self, they explain that it's just mental illness, or that you're just confused, or that you don't understand yourself, and condescend to you, and treat you like they somehow have always known you better than you know yourself. And that's when you realise you might have to choose between your true self, and your family and loved ones who don't understand, or worse, hate you.
And then imagine that's the rest of your life, but it could change in an instant, if all of society just accepted that you are who you say you are! That all of your depression, and oppression, and suffocation could literally just vanish, if everyone was like 'oh sure actually, you want those pronouns? Cool! You want to wear this clothing? I like it!!'
And that journey is very tough in the real world, even in more accepting places (the US is clear evidence of this). In Underline the Black, I get to put Efnisien in a very specific space, and show the journey in a kind of specific way that isolates it and speaks through metaphor.
My experiences are different to Efnisien's, though I am trans, I never actually started out wanting to write a 1:1 trans narrative. Like, in this universe, "conventionally" trans people exist too. Efnisien's experience is a new thing, and a separate thing, but still - as we can see - a very good metaphor as well. I like telling parts of my story, but only small parts. I am more interested in...telling healing stories where I can watch a character heal and go 'oh I would like more of that for myself, as well.'
(Also, it's better to just say omegaverse, or AOB, etc. because a/b/o without the dashes is a slur in Australia, and while I know most people don't live here! We try to avoid slurs from other countries when we can. And we can only know to do that once someone tells us!)
But yeah, no, you don't sound like an ignorant asshole at all. You sound like someone who has learned something, and has gained more understanding, and was open to doing that, and honestly anon if more people came to something they didn't understand from your perspective, acceptance and love would be a lot easier to teach people.
It's so important to read stories about characters who aren't quite like us, or aren't like us at all, because that's when we realise just how much we actually do share so many similarities, and why our differences matter too.
Anyway thank you for sharing your message with me! I really appreciated it.
#asks and answers#underline the black#underline the rainbow#efnisien ap wledig#i do really think this stuff is like...#you can't know until you know - in a way#that doesn't mean you have to live the experience#but fiction gives us this unique ability to live in the mind of a character#this is why Bardic storytelling was so important (among other reasons)#these narratives allow us to exist outside of ourselves and within ourselves#it is for me a way to tell healing stories while i'm in a life of healing#and sometimes it's a way to be like#this is what it is to be trans#this is what it is to be disabled#this is what it is to be oppressed#and sometimes these things are more relatable than we realised they were#administrator gwyn wants this in the queue
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hey friend I just massively failed and I gotta redo my student teaching can I get some just confort from our fav slytherin boys this is the first time I've failed this hard so it stings
A Lesson in Mistakes | Sebastian x Reader x Ominis
Hello friend, I’m so sorry to hear you’re going through a hard time with your student teaching :( I worked through this as quickly as I could to get it up for you. I hope it helps 💚
Words: ~1,600
Tags: Reader Insert, Female MC, No Y/N, Friendship, Fluff
You don’t realize something is wrong until the spell has already landed.
The flipendo was supposed to be countered. That was the whole point of the lesson.
You were training your students on reading intent, on recognizing the difference between a controlled spell and one that’s fueled by unchecked magic. A proper duel demands control, discipline—something you should have been watching more closely.
The fourth-year had been eager, a promising student with sharp reflexes but poor restraint. He had asked to push himself, to try something a little stronger, and you—caught between encouraging his ambition and remembering your own hunger for skill around at that age—had said yes.
You should have seen it. You should have noticed the way his grip tightened on his wand, the way his breath hitched before he cast the spell. You should have realized the instant he overcharged the charm that it was going to go wrong.
But by the time the red streak of light slammed into his opponent’s chest, sending them crashing into the stone wall with a sickening thud, it was too late.
The student didn’t get back up.
A chorus of gasping classmates, the sound of your own heartbeat pounding in your ears—all of it blurred together as you rushed to them, panic gripping your throat like a vice.
“Someone get Nurse Blainey. Now!” Your voice came out sharper than intended, but the urgency in it had the students scrambling.
The duel had not been meant to go this far. A simple exercise, that’s all it was supposed to be. The worst they should have gotten was a bruised ego or a temporary jinx—
Not this.
By the time Nurse Blainey arrived, the injured student was stirring, thank Merlin, but badly concussed, with broken ribs and a wand arm that would need of healing overnight.
Professor Hecat said nothing when she arrived, but the look in her eyes said enough.
Disappointment.
You had failed.
You don’t remember much of the meeting that followed in her office.
Only her voice, cool and measured, as she laid out the reality of the situation.
“The student will recover, but this should not have happened,” she said, her piercing eyes fixed on you. “You were meant to be supervising, not enabling. We are lucky the consequences weren’t worse.”
Each word landed like a blow, but you only nodded, fingers curling into your robes as you forced yourself to take it.
It wasn’t unfair. It was true.
“I’ll take responsibility,” you murmured, throat dry. “If the parents—if the headmaster wants me removed—”
Hecat’s lips pressed into a thin line. “No one is suggesting that,” she continued, “but you must learn from this. Errors in judgement so severe cannot be tolerated, and if you cannot handle that reality, then you must decide whether this apprenticeship is truly for you.”
She dismissed you after that.
You left the office feeling more lost than ever.
You don’t do any grading in the living room that evening.
You don’t attend dinner with the boys.
Or breakfast the following morning.
Instead, you retreat into solitude, telling yourself you need time to think, to process—to figure out if you even deserve to continue this apprenticeship.
But Sebastian and Ominis know you too well.
It starts with a knock on your bedroom door.
You ignore it, but Sebastian is insistent.
“Open the door, or I’ll use Alohomora,” he calls from the other side.
“Go away.”
The knock comes again, louder this time.
Sebastian isn’t the type to be deterred, and you know it. You bury your face in your hands, willing him to just give up, but of course, he doesn’t.
“Come on,” he presses. “Either you let us in, or Ominis gets creative. And trust me, you don’t want that.”
You hear a sigh, softer than Sebastian’s voice but no less insistent. “You could at least tell us you’re alive.” Ominis’ voice is level, but there’s something edged beneath it—concern, maybe even frustration.
You squeeze your eyes shut. “I’m fine,” you say, though the words feel like ash in your mouth.
Sebastian scoffs. “Yeah? Tell that to the fact you haven’t left this bloody room in two days.”
You don’t respond.
Another moment passes before you hear Ominis shift, his voice quieter now. “Please.”
And it’s that—the way he says it—that changes your mind.
You push yourself up from the bed, dragging yourself toward the door and unlocking it before stepping back. You don’t have the energy to do more than that.
Sebastian wastes no time. The moment the door is open, he steps inside, followed by Ominis, who moves carefully, wand in hand. Sebastian closes the door behind them and crosses his arms, looking you up and down.
And whatever he sees makes his expression falter.
Ominis, though he can’t see you, seems to sense it too.
Sebastian exhales, rubbing the back of his neck. “All right,” he says, “out with it.”
“There’s nothing to say,” you mutter, moving back toward the bed, sitting down at the edge.
Sebastian raises an eyebrow. “So you just woke up yesterday morning and decided, ‘Hmm, I think I’ll shut myself away from my two best friends, just for fun’?”
You exhale sharply, but there’s no real anger behind it.
"Sebastian, please, it's nothing."
Sebastian makes a noise in his throat, something between a scoff and a laugh, but there’s no humor in it. “Oh, it’s nothing, is it?” He gestures vaguely at you, at the way you’re slumped forward, at the dark circles under your eyes, the unmistakable tension in your posture. “You look like hell.”
You roll your eyes, rubbing your temple. “I’m just tired.”
“Bollocks,” Sebastian fires back.
Ominis, who has been standing silently at your desk, lets out a slow breath. “We’re not here to badger you,” he says, pointedly angling his his head toward Sebastian. “We just want to know what’s going on.”
You sigh and your voice comes out quieter than you intend. “Fine. I messed up at work, alright?”
Sebastian’s brows knit together, his sharp edges softening. “Messed up how?”
You press your lips together, hesitating, then finally, you force yourself to say it.
“At a duel,” you murmur. “I let a student cast something they couldn’t control.”
The words are bitter on your tongue, heavy and awful, but they keep spilling out. “I should have stopped them—I should have seen it coming—but I didn’t, and now a student is lying in the hospital wing because of me.”
A long silence follows. You don’t look at them. You can’t.
Sebastian is the first to break the silence. “That’s it?”
You blink. “What?”
“That’s why you’ve locked yourself in here for two days?”
Your fingers curl into your palm. “Sebastian, I made a massive mistake, I should have—”
“What?” Sebastian interrupts. His tone is sharper now, more serious. “Had perfect foresight?”
Your jaw tightens.
Ominis sighs, resting his hands on his lap. “Sebastian’s delivery is questionable, but he has a point,” he says. “You aren’t a Seer, and you’re not omnipotent. You’re an apprentice, and you’re still learning.”
Your stomach twists. “That’s not an excuse.”
Ominis shakes his head. “It’s reality. Nobody is perfect.”
Sebastian leans forward. “Look,” he says, his voice quieter now. “You think you’re the first professor—or near-professor—to misjudge something in a classroom? Hecat’s probably seen a hundred mistakes worse than yours. I’m willing to bet some of our professors have made worse ones too.”
You shake your head, frustration bubbling in your chest. “I’m still the one who let it happen. I should have been watching more carefully. I should have stopped it, I should have been better."
Sebastian exhales sharply, shaking his head. “Just because you messed up doesn't mean you're suddenly the worst person alive.”
Your chest tightens. You know exactly what he’s talking about.
Sebastian knows guilt better than anyone. He’s worn it, lived in it, let it consume him whole—and now, he’s watching you do the same thing.
He shakes his head. “Look, I’m not saying you shouldn’t take responsibility. But don’t sit here and act like one mistake is enough to wipe away everything else.”
You let out a breath. “Hecat said—”
Sebastian rolls his eyes. “Hecat says a lot of things.” His eyes flick up toward the ceiling before he huffs out a bitter laugh. “And look, if we got exiled from Hogwarts every time we fucked up, Ominis and I would have been gone by second year.”
Ominis tilts his head toward Sebastian. “More like you would have been gone by second year. I would have made it to fifth, at least.”
Sebastian waves a hand dismissively and despite yourself, the corner of your mouth twitches.
They both catch it.
Ominis exhales. “Do you still want this apprenticeship?”
The question startles you.
“What?”
Ominis crosses his arms. “You haven’t failed until you quit at something you still want. So, do you still want this?”
Yes. Yes, you do. You still want this.
You nod.
Sebastian claps his hands together. “Brilliant. Now, let’s get you out of here before you start fusing with the bedsheets.”
You groan. “Sebastian—”
“Nope. Up.” He stands, reaching for your arm, and tugs.
You stumble forward. “I hate you.”
Sebastian grins. “A common sentiment.”
Ominis snorts. “I’m inclined to agree.”
You roll your eyes, finally—finally—feeling something other than shame pressing down on your chest.
Because they’re right.
You made a mistake. But it doesn’t define you.
And as Sebastian drags you toward the door, loudly insisting that you owe him a drink for all this emotional labor, you think that maybe, you’re going to be okay.
#hogwarts legacy#hogwarts legacy fandom#sebastian sallow#fanfiction#fanfic#ao3 author#archive of our own#sebastian sallow x mc#ao3 fanfic#ao3 link#Ominis gaunt#ominist gaunt x you#ominis gaunt x mc#sebastian sallow x you#x y/n fluff#x you fluff#sebastian sallow fanfiction#ominis gaunt x you#ominis gaunt fanfiction#hogwarts sebastian#hogwarts legacy mc#hogwarts school of witchcraft and wizardry#sebastian sallow x reader#reader insert#female mc#x reader
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vent. i feel scared because i want help but i'm also terrified about being involuntarily sent to a mental hospital again because ive been before and they put me in handcuffs on the ride there and it was really scary it made my wrists hurt and i got really dizzy and faint because they put me on such a high dose of antidepressants so fast. and now i feel like i need help because im so paranoid and im tired of hallucinating and tired of searching for hidden messages that logically dont exist but i have to look for anyways just in case but i want some kind of help but im terrified at the possibility of being sent back and losing my autonomy again. and im terrified of meds too because this all started months ago when my doctor denied my refill for my snris and i ran out and i was forced to stop them cold turkey and i couldnt ever figure out how to get a refill approved because i was stuck in bed feeling so so sick and i started hallucinating (although i was before just never consistently) and ever since then they never went away and things have been getting worse and im terrified of ever being so dependant on a medecine again if my doctor could just take it away like that and put me through that. but i thinki have to take the risk anyway because i need help. i wish i didnt have to weigh the danger of being alone with symptoms versus the danger of doctors having more power over me. im also scared of losing my hallucinations because they can be really scary but usually i just see bugs/animals everywhere and it makes me feel like im not so alone. but also sometimes they get dangerous to me and i dont think its safe to be alone. also thank you for your blog because it makes me feel less alone. sorry if this doesnt make any sense it feels like its been harder to think and communicate what i want to say.
I completely get your worries. Personally I have now, after a decade in psychiatry, given up on "getting help" through the psychiatric system because being a patient in said system has been more harmful than helpful time after time, to a point where I don't consider the "help" generally offered genuinely helpful, at least not for me personally.
But I get feeling like you need to do something - I've been there myself on several occassions in the past - and I know some people genuinely do benefit from some of the help offered by formal psychiatry. So I'm not telling you not to seek help if you feel it's worth the risks for you. I think you know far more about what you need than I do, and I wish you luck. I just wanted to say that your trauma and concerns related to the psychiatric system are real and valid.
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"It's not a secret that I love you. Don't act like it is."
A/N: Prompt is from @creativepromptsforwriting Also, the reader is a Seer, they can see the future.
"Y/L/N! Weasley is having a fight with Berkshire!" someone shouted as they walked into the common room.
Great. That's the fight I saw in my vision.
I put my book down and sigh, "What do you want me to do?"
"You're his friend!" they say annoyed.
"Right."
I rush over to the courtyard, a few people have surrounded them already chanting to continue the fight. I push my way through the crowd. Someone taps my shoulder. It's George.
The fight is worse than I thought. Blood has spattered onto the floor. Fred is too busy punching Berkshire to notice me.
"Fred!" George shouts, "Stop!"
He grabs onto the boy's arms restraining him. A Slytherin does the same to Berkshire. That's when Fred looks over at me.
"Come on, let's get you cleaned up," I say.
We head to the common room. It's empty as everyone is still in the courtyard, perhaps talking about what just happened. He sits on the couch as I summon my first aid kit.
I clean his knuckles as I ask angrily, "What was that for?"
"Why are you surprised?" he mumbles, "Can't you see the future?"
"I did, I wasn't expecting it to be you."
"Right."
I continue tending to his wounds. I can feel his eyes staring at me.
"Are you gonna reply or-" I ask.
"He said something about you," he answers.
I freeze. I heard Fred's voice saying that too. I didn't expect it to be in this situation though.
"What did he say?" I ask.
He sighs as he looks at me, "I don't think you're any of those things-"
"Fred."
"Fine, he said you're crazy and weird, some other things but you're not crazy or weird so don't listen to him."
Why did he get into a fight though? Over that. This isn't anything new. I've always been the weird person. The one who sees visions.
"Why did you beat him up about it?" I ask.
"It's not a secret that I love you," he answers, shaking his head, "Don't act like it is."
I look at him confused.
"You must have known," he says.
Then it hits me. We'd make eye contact across rooms frequently as if talking telepathically. I'd catch him staring at me in class and he'd give me his jumper when I'm cold.
But it wasn't just that. There was the teasing too. I'd beat myself up over my feelings, thinking it was just banter.
"You love me?" I ask, for confirmation.
"Yes!" he shouts, "I love you and I was trying to be obvious."
"I love you too," I say.
"You do?"
"Yeah."
He cups my cheeks and kisses me softly. We pull apart. His nose starts to bleed.
"Your nose is bleeding," I smile faintly, grabbing a tissue and helping him.
As he's lying on the couch he says, "You know for someone who's a Seer, you're really bad at seeing signs."
"Oh shut up."
#fred weasley#harry potter#fred weasley x y/n#fred weasley x reader#fred weasley imagine#fred weasley imagines
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no, i know. theyre frustrating and i would be handling it much worse. to be called snarky by anons is to be misunderstanding where im coming from. you are going through an immensely stressful situation, and so are your dogs. they are damaged from this physically and mentally, and so are you. are you able to handle this for the next few months safely? can you give your dogs the safe and stress free home they deserve while like this? are you still deriving joy and love from this? ive had to give up pets due to not being able to handle them before due to no fault of my own. im not calling you anything bad. if you can do it then Egon deserves you
I apologize anon, I read that in bad faith. Egon, for his part, will be fine. Even if I need a break from him, he has relatives or trustworthy boarding facilities that can give me that break. Tuunbaq is too surly with strange dogs to be given that option, but Egon has been watched by other people before without issue.
It will be stressful, it will be frustrating, but it will be over soon. I've been casually studying Buddhism and trying to integrate the philosophy of impermanence to make me more patient, and also setting aside time to rest. Luckily or unluckily, it's slow season at work and while that means less income (its straight commission) it also means more time to learn and reflect.
Once Egon has his stitches out and Tuunbaq is safe in his new home I will be taking some form of vacation. Egon might come with me depending on where.
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I played Caleb's route and myth a while ago and here are my thoughts/ theories/ predictions about him and the story (long af):
I reread my prediction post I made a month ago about Caleb, and I feel bad for painting him as some sort of villain. This man has been through the ringer, I thought the other LI's had it bad, Caleb somehow has it worse, he's been through so much and this is just in one lifetime. I both anticipate and dread his second myth, although the story will be good, it'll also be sad af
His main story branch update was the best of the main story in my opinion. I found it really engaging, not that the other chapters suck or anything. The same goes for his myth story; it felt like a continuation from the main story and the plot of the myth was enjoyable. If you want to understand Caleb and what's going on with him, read his myth! I would say his myth story is one of the best in the game.
MC's emotions and inner conflict were executed perfectly in this story branch. The emotion in MC’s voice when she’s face to face with Caleb was so touching, and the way she hugged him as soon as she could...it was sweet, her VA did a great job depicting her emotions! I really liked seeing MC so overjoyed to see an LI; in her initial meetings with LI’s she's either annoyed or neutral, so seeing her over the moon to be reunited with Caleb was refreshing and just solidified how deep their bond runs. Caleb naturally has an advantage compared to the other LI's in that sense, in this timeline, even if MC doesn't love Caleb, she'll always be warmer to him and he'll be her first choice.
Playing the main story and witnessing MC’s joy to be reunited with Caleb slowly turn into suspicion and eventually morph into frustration and anger was so good to read. The player and MC both bare witness to Caleb's transformation in character and it's heart wrenching to discover, both the MC and player don't fully understand what's going on to cause this switch in behaviour.
The ending for the main story was very solemn; MC failed her mission, Kevi was taken away and Mia died. Her short reunion with Caleb turns bittersweet. I thought that would be the end, but then it was revealed Caleb's been tangled in EVER's schemes and Caleb is making himself look like the perfect weapon to spare MC from this fate - he’s trading his life so she can keep hers. And his myth ending makes this all the more heart wrenching - the chip has taken away most of his memories, and he's doing whatever he can to preserve the memories he has of MC not only to keep his sense of self, but to still resist EVER's control of him.
Despite the lack of transparency and control Caleb exercised over MC’s life, I didn’t think he went too out of line. Caleb seems to believe he needs to amass power to protect MC and himself, Tainted Cuts seems to prove this ideology. Skyhaven is dangerous and Caleb knows it; despite being influential, he can't control over Skyhaven the way Sylus does with the N109 zone, he has to keep MC under lock and key to ensure she's out of harms way. He knows there are people after her, he works for them! He's not safe either. And in the end, Caleb was proven right to keep her under surveillances; MC nearly died twice in Skyhaven. When MC and Caleb get into an argument towards the end of the story, and she says she doesn't need his protection, instead of possession I think he felt more frenzied despair. He knows what lurks ahead, and he knows he can't hide her away forever and protect her from the danger.
...
In my theory post about Caleb, I suggested Caleb orchestrated the explosion, clearly that was not the case. I still think he wasn't clueless about what was going on behind the scenes though, his behaviour was still weird before the explosion. Unlike MC he remembers the past experimentation - I wouldn't be surprised if he was keeping tabs on EVER in case they made a reappearance in their lives. I used to think he didn't like the granny because of this, but I've changed my mind. He arranged for her to be moved to a nursing home that was remote and of good quality, he was remorseful when he told MC he couldn't save her in the explosion. Maybe he grew to forgive her for her past experimentation, or was just glad she gave them a roof over their heads.
I also believe Caleb failed to save Grandma in the explosion because he instead chose to protect MC. That could explain why his necklace was left behind. I also think the explosion was meant to target all three of them, kill the granny and take MC and Caleb back to EVER headquarters, but Caleb somehow managed to prevent them from taking MC. Or they were after MC only and Caleb convinced the raincoats to take him instead. It tracks with Caleb's intentions to have EVER focus on him rather than MC.
My theory post was mainly wrong, but I was right about one thing; Caleb wants to return to a place where it felt as if it was only himself and MC in the world; the secret/ abandoned garden he visits (in his mind?) at the end of his myth. In my post, I speculated this may be a reference to the Garden of Eden due to commissioned fanart of the game representing MC and Caleb with the forbidden fruit. Now I'm not so sure; What does the apple represent for MC and Caleb, their blurring relationship? And what about the serpent? I think it's no coincidence we meet Viper in this branch, who is some sort of snake cyborg...
I've seen speculate that this timeline is the first lifetime Caleb and MC have shared with one another, and as much as I like the theory, I disagree with it. The main reason being this:
![Tumblr media](https://64.media.tumblr.com/9e7f241eeb7fd66ef85b1961db15df5c/b8aa7d0e04b2457c-9b/s540x810/f22fa1a4fd0add6527a66ffd5ab7805b91e98118.jpg)
![Tumblr media](https://64.media.tumblr.com/6ab16d52da6c832d71a6b175b92947df/b8aa7d0e04b2457c-d9/s1280x1920/ec5e5ab211cb8ee9199a989b1855bab8392a1298.jpg)
I think this is how Caleb dies in the end of his next myth... question is what the hell happened for this to occur.
As well as that, Caleb and MC have the whole Adam and Eve thing going on, 100 years, space/nebula's surrounding their characters... the scene in the main story in which they watch the shooting star...that must link to a different timeline somehow. I personally believe in another lifetime, Caleb was banished from somewhere, maybe the heavens, or was sentenced to death, and MC decided to go down with him. I think this is a nice parallel to their current relationship, MC wants to be in the loop, wants to stand alongside Caleb, but he won't allow her to do so for her own sake, and instead shoulders everything on his own. Maybe he doesn't want to be the reason for her demise again. Whatever it is, like Zayne, I don't think Caleb has any recollection of their shared past.
Also, I believe Caleb surviving multiple instances of near death is no coincidence. He claims its because of MC, he needs to persevere to return to her... a part of me thinks he's being literal. Maybe he's been afflicted with some sort of curse, and he cannot die until MC does, or they are each others life source or something crazy like that.
Last but not least I want to say this: I hate EVER for what they did to Caleb. They have been fucking up his life since day one. Putting that chip in him and making him lose a part of himself was toooo much. I just mourn for Caleb now; he just wanted to fly and protect his loved ones, he was so beloved by those around him, and now he's been turned into a war machine. Free Caleb! If the 6th LI is the EVER ceo I'm throwing hands.
#also his evol is so cool#gravity manipulation is op af#he also seems to be able to control black holes#i think that might be the result of the chip? either way its also cool#Also lowkey I feel like he maybe killed mc when they were young#cant remember where but caleb says during experimentation he learnt he was good at destroying delicate things and since he is mc's failsafe#and vice versa... i wouldn't be surprised he was made to kill her at one point to test out her immortality#i cannot wait for his new myth set... like usually i just pull the myth cards for the fighting companion#now i want the lore gimme#love and deepspace#lads#love and deepspace caleb#caleb love and deepspace
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"Um actually," She muttered under her breath, as she snuck a peek Aaliyah's way, not bothering to actually point out how saying 'that doesn't exactly sound like you care' is opinion and not a fact though. Not after she was called a fucking nerd in a nearly endearing sort of way. The corner of her lips tilted up ever so slightly at the sentiment. Though any semblance of a smile fell just as quickly as it appeared when Aaliyah carried on. "No, I don't know you, just as you don't know a thing about me. Though, your whole don't give a shit routine, doesn't exactly make me want to?" She countered. Her gaze moved back to fixating on the crowd out on the dance floor as she admitted quietly, "I have enough people in life who may or may not be genuine. I'm not really up for having to decipher another one. Just as an FYI."
"That's bullshit!" She scoffed under her breath as her gaze snapped back toward Aaliyah's. "I had already stopped and if you truly cared about making sure the starving vampire controlled herself then why not tell the one person antagonizing said vampire to shut up? I wasn't going to bite Frankie. Not after Poppy had stepped in. I might have shoved Jake, but you can't tell me he wouldn't have deserved it and, last I checked, pushing someone over isn't against any accords," She huffed. "So the coven advisor's sister gets special treatment? The witches are nepotists, is that it?" She could feel the anger rising in the back of her throat at the hypocrisy of the situation, but when Aaliyah said 'He was acting out of fear' any bite to her words were replaced by blatant distain. "Fear? The six foot white boy whose built like a linebacker and can fucking electrocute people with his bare hands was acting out of fear over what? A teary-eyed 5'6 brunette decked head to toe in pink?" She asked, as if clarify, despite knowing the hypocrisy of the situation all too well at this point. "The witches are the ones who created us, weren't they? That's what it says at the Historical Society. A coven sought power and immortality, so they invented a whole other species. It was witch magic that trapped us in the Emerald Hotel and the Rec Center, wasn't it? And it was witch magic behind pretty much every hellscape the Catalyst put us through over the past two years and, yet, we're the ones to be afraid of?" She lifted a brow up at Aaliyah as she found her jaw tightening even more in resignation. "Because we have fangs, we have to suck it up and wait to get back at them strategically, because we're the ones who have to prove we're not a threat? Okay."
"You know when I came back from the dead, a witch called me a murderer," Her voice dipped into a low murmur as her gaze fell once more. "They told me I was living a life that belonged to another, and, yet, when the pretty blonde supreme died, the entire coven voted to kill someone on her behalf. She was the leader. They 'needed' her, while I was a different story. And you wonder why I don't see a point in a caring anymore. We're always going be the monsters and, the more we treat ourselves differently from the humans and the witches and the fae and the wolves who can't control themselves either, the more we're all going to believe it too."
"I... I'm sorry your sire was a piece of shit. Truly. I can't imagine what that was like. But, my sire murdered me and the left me on my own. So, let me ask you something, from someone whose been trying to figure it out by myself- do you honestly think that your advice would suck more than the trial and error I've already been enduring?" She asked her genuinely, because if getting help was truly worse than wasn't this all futile anyway?
"Are you for real right now?" Her expression twisted into a look of horror as Aaliyah actually laughed before her. "Or maybe you really are a monster," She shook her head in disbelief. "Humans aren't weak and I would never dare act like they are and, if you ever have, then you are the weak one for needing to make someone feel small so that you can feel tall. He doesn't need anything from me. But, we protect each other, because that is what a partnership and love is. I didn't think I'd have to tell you that and I'm not fighting anyone's battles for them. I'm defending the man I love and I know he'd defend me too if someone called me a name to his fucking face and, if you do it again, then we will have nothing else to say to one another." And she meant it. While, she was willing to accept that Aaliyah and her might never see eye to eye on certain issues, if the woman before her truly believed that humans were inferior, then she was no better than any other prejudice asshole in this town who considered vampires to be freaks.
"We can agree to disagree. Death is a part of life. We all experience it eventually. But, those skulls in the wall are sad because no one cared about them enough to give them their own resting place and you're really not helping your case right now when that roommate of mine is a vampire and a clan member who likely needs your help even more than I do," She pointed out. "It's a movie." Though now that she thought about it, Aaliyah might be more similar to Lord Farquaad than Shrek, though she wouldn't say that part outloud on the off chance the woman actually googled it.
"I didn't plan the party," She muttered under her breath. "And the word people is plural, implying that there is more than one. One would be a person and, yes, I know I'm a fucking nerd. Though, I'm sorry you what? If you wanted me to step out of the booth you could have just asked. It wasn't as if I was going to carry on this long of a conversation through a screen door anyhow and I didn't ask for any of this. I wanted a small funeral themed birthday party between me and two of my friends two years ago in celebration of my new life and as a fuck you to the exe who killed me. Only they forgot until now when I was surprised with this and... if you mean it when it comes to helping me, then... I'll try it. I'm not saying I won't complain, but I'm not against hard work. Though, if it doesn't work, I'm allowed to walk away and I mean it when I say no more insulting Ben in front of me. Trying to piss me off, isn't tough love. It's being a dick and I'm not going to put up with that kind of shit."
"I told her while she was sunbathing at the country club that she wasn't a meal on display," Aaliyah said, raising an eyebrow. "I might have also mentioned that to both of you, but, really, I'm not going to spill species secrets around just anyone. That's how I was taught. Was it wrong? Probably." She laughed quietly before rectifying it. "Absolutely." She sighed. "Okay, smart ass. Keep 'um, actually'-ing me, you fucking nerd." She wasn't attempting biting, and she hardly found herself to be defensive. It was mildly amusing, and there was something close to pity, but Aaliyah made it a habit not to really pity anyone. A product of her upbringing, both living and unliving. "Again, you don't know me, Brielle. Very few do, I get that. I go for that. But you can't just state hard facts about me, like who or what I care about, without actually knowing me." She took the clan position because maybe, just maybe, she cared too much. Aaliyah didn't really have the language for it, but she cared deeply about the state of the vampires in this wretched town. Enough to sift out the tough love. Enough to take up the mantle of leader while only really wanting to desperately search for her friend, one of only a handful that she'd ever had in centuries.
Aaliyah just shook her head. "No, you're right, I didn't give you the chance to make a rational decision because we don't get those extra moments, Bri. We don't get the choice of, oh, I'll be a little mad. A human woman not controlling herself? She might yell, maybe hit. Perhaps she could cause some damage. A starving vampire not controlling herself?" She shook her head. "I'm not going to sit in front of the council while those fucking witches drag a clan member through the mud for fucking eating someone at a party. I won't even risk the chance of that happening. So was it rash to grab you? Perhaps. Would I do it again? In a heartbeat. I was protecting the best interest of the clan, I was protecting you, hell. I was protecting your fucking boyfriend from the potentiality of having to listen to your trial while Meena and I have to figure out your punishment. Something that wouldn't have been light for even contemplating hurting the coven advisor's sister." She got what Bri was saying, but there hadn't been much she could do about Jake. "His words were cruel. He was acting out of fear. Does that mitigate it? No. If he doesn't apologize, then I can offer to rip out his tongue, but he also wasn't my priority in that moment. Suck it up in that moment, yes, but wait. Get back at them strategically. I do recall telling you that I didn't want to put you in a box."
Any effort to get through seemed to be a mission in futility. Aaliyah almost didn't understand what she was trying to accomplish. "I'm not trying to be menacing. I'm being honest. You won't like it because it sucks. It will suck. It's not a pun. When you have control issues, when you have feeding problems, it's not easy. It fucking sucks, and it continues to suck for years. I think that you could have an easier time of it than I did. You wouldn't have to deal with my sire, for one. If you think I'm a bitch, then you have no idea. And you have a daylight ring." She was almost wistful, just for a moment. "I missed the sun so much. Longed for it. I used to try and grind up marigolds. I thought if I could put it on my skin, the way that they sooth and heal would help. It didn't. I burned, many times. I was called a fool. She was right, of course, but." She gave Bri a long look. "It doesn't matter if you were or weren't meant to be this. You are this. You have to find a way to live like this."
Aaliyah couldn't help it. She laughed, actually happy. "I'm really not, but it's nice of you to come out of the closet. I have been rather curious if you fight all of Professor anak Bandi's battles for him, even the ones he's unaware of. You were practically ready to break his computer when he was Zooming into council meetings. I've always wondered how human lovers must feel. Do they find themselves as weak as we so often act like they are? Does he need your protection as much as you offer it?" She couldn't help the curiosity, and it was genuine. She'd never stayed with a mortal for so long as to see them as anything more than a temporary fascination. She'd only turned a handful for companionship, but she'd never been especially coddling of any of them. "It's beautiful. Mankind used to spend hundreds, sometimes thousands of years building monuments, cathedrals. Some desperate clawing at permanence. And they are sad. But... ashes to ashes, dust to dust. Whether you're a skull in the wall or dust in the wind, it's sad because they're dead, not because of their eternal resting place." She snorted. "I've lost my touch if the only reason you think I'm a bitch is because I insult your boyfriend. I think I've also kicked your roommate out of my club three times. Her picture's on the wall, now. Do Not Allow Entry. And what is a Shrek?" she asked, like she hadn't seen the movie when it first came out, a fascinating innovation in animation. "I like to think that I have layers like a hornets' nest. Far more applicable." Full of tiny, dangerous little components packed with stinging, hateful creatures.
The irony, in Aaliyah's eyes, was that Brielle was just as set in her own thought processes as she believed everyone else was set in their opinions about her. "I really haven't heard the eulogies. Such a thing is fun in theory, less so in practice. Making an entire town come to a party and then speak about someone that they may not properly know very well is a well intentioned idea that is, more often than not, less than ideal in practice. Besides, I didn't say that everyone in this goddamn town cares about you, I said people. You still have people that care about you. Maybe it's one hundred, maybe it's just one, but that can be enough. And Benjamin has lived here long enough to understand the risks. I remember the former Coalition leader, and I remember that your professor stepped up as soon as he was needed. He loves you, and he loves this town. I don't think something like that is going to do him in." The man had more backbone than she felt obligated to give him credit for. Most humans did. They willingly chose to live in a place where their neighbors had wings or turned into wolves or craved blood. There was an incredibly amount of bravery there.
"I'm not being condescending. I'm not patronizing you. I'm just talking. This is the way I talk, and it's the way I've talked for a while, now. And I'm attempting to get you out of that booth. It worked. But if you want to have a drinking, go for it. Maybe make me a little card. One sip for saying 'fuck.' Down a shot for moral superiority from a confess serial killer," Aaliyah said, laughing a little before she looked at Bri, her eyes a little soft. "If you want an actual funeral, this isn't it. I imagine you didn't get a lot of mourning done in there." Her expression ticked up in amusement as she listed off some of the members of the clan and their various selling points. "She's eccentric. That happens, sometimes. He has cultivated a displeasure for most things. That happens, too. It's nice that they're happy, even if unhelpful. She needs all the rest she can get right now. And you're right, they're both rather new, and the last people I'd wish to get advice from about control are Tried to Eat My Boyfriend's Leg and Had a Sunburn for a Year From Sleeping Outside." She hummed. "No, not a bat signal. We don't turn into bats. Look, I get you might think it's too little, too late. And that's fine. But I work on payroll for Eclipse on Tuesday afternoons. I offered you help with payback at the gift exchange. I'll offer you something similar, now: help with being a vampire, sans neon sign. No non-vampire pals, no busy crowds where I, and most people, really, are so often on defensive. Again, I'm telling you that you probably won't like it. Not to cow you but to let you know that it's just not fun. I didn't like it. I hated it, really, and it took me years to get the hang of this bullshit. But you're much smarter than me."
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I'm having incoherent thoughts about clone danny again from the clone/clone^2 au (when am I not?) but more specifically I'm thinking about his reaction to finding out he's a clone. The standalone clone au digs into that a little more than clone^2, which is more focused on Danny and Damian's relationship. But neither (so far) really get into Danny's issues about finding out he's a clone after 15 years of thinking he wasn't.
Because he resents his parents for not telling him for so long. He resents the way he found out; through a trivial school project rather than a sit-down talk. He resents the fact that, apparently, they had meant to tell him sooner. But forgot. He resents the fact that they never told him because finding out feels like something was stolen from him when it had the chance to not be.
Danny Fenton, just fifteen, cloned not even half a year ago, knows what that personal violation of autonomy feels like. He knows what it's like to be cloned and while he loves Ellie, he does, she's his sister, and in this au his twin. But he is still left with that feeling of unsafety after realizing he'd been cloned. Being cloned is violating. The onset realization that it's so easy to get DNA without the other party noticing, and that what was stopping someone from trying to clone him again?
Followed only after with the rest of the inexplainable mix of feelings of being cloned, the rest of that inner conflict and panic that's an ugly mocktail of emotions that range from horror to fear. Trying to imagine what it's like to be cloned from the cloned party, and I imagine that it leaves you with the feeling of needing to crawl out of your own skin with discomfort.
And then he gets put on the other side of it. Danny Fenton, only fifteen, was cloned not even half a year ago, finding out he is a clone. And reactions, I imagine, can vary from person to person. But to him, it feels like something got stolen from him, like someone took a hole puncher and stuck it right into his chest and stole a chunk of himself from him.
It changes nothing about him and yet it changes everything. It's a betrayal on it's own to just find out he was a clone and they didn't tell him for fifteen years -- it shouldn't mean anything, because he's still Danny, and yet it means everything. It's him, it's him, it's about him. It's his personhood. It's about the fact that a load-bearing rock in his identity just crumbled beneath his feet and now there's a rockslide.
Because then he finds out that they used the wrong DNA. Its like pouring salt in an open wound. He's not even related to his parents or his sister, when for years he thought he was. It's the fact that pieces of his identity that he's been so secure in for so long just got ripped away from him in an instant. Then they tell him -- only through his own horrified prompting -- that the person whose DNA they used -- Bruce Wayne -- didn't even know he existed. That they accidentally used the wrong DNA, then didn't tell the person whose DNA they used.
The betrayal of being lied to for years turns really quickly into horror at his own existence. Something very similar to the horror he felt at being cloned and the skin-crawling discomfort that made him feel like his own skin wasn't really his. And then its not. It's actually not. Nothing but his own name feels like it belongs to him anymore -- not his hair, not his eyes, not his heart or his lungs, nothing feels like his anymore and he didn't know what that felt like until it was gone.
It's a question of Nature Vs. Nurture -- where does the line of "nature" begin and where does the line of "nurture" end? What of him is actually his? What of him is Bruce Wayne's? It's not logical, it's not supposed to be. It's a load-bearing wall on the house of his identity being destroyed and now everything else is caving down in on him. What belongs to Danny, what belongs to Bruce Wayne?
#dpxdc#dp x dc#danny fenton is not the ghost king#dp x dc crossover#dpxdc crossover#dpdc#clone^2#danny fenton is a clone#its a combination 'oh my god i've been cloned too i know how violating that feels holy fuck' empathy and also the horror of finding out tha#the things you knew about yourself that you thought were unchanging was all WRONG.#its the fact that tragedy is always one step away from comedy. they're twins for a reason. the humor of finding out you're a clone through#a silly school project and the *horror* of finding out you're a clone from a silly school project instead of a proper conversation#danny goes into his room after he's done talking to his parents and he vomits into the garbage can under his desk. utterly horrified#and he calls sam and tucker crying. it shouldn't change anything he knows this and yet it changes EVERYTHING. he doesn't feel like himself#he doesnt feel like himself any*more.* this might be cause for him to do a closet overhaul. something to make himself feel like he's#in control of himself again. piercings. temporary hair dye. *something* to feel like he's in control.#its no wonder why he never wants to tell bruce wayne he exists because he *knows* how violating that feels and he's *afraid.*#it makes him takinh in damian a little more remarkable bc it undoubtedly made#his identity issues worse. but thats a child and a child who needs help and danny is *kind*
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no promises anymoooooreeeee i'll appear online when i appear online 😭 every time i say "ooh i think life is almost done being overwhelming!" it. becomes even more overwhelming in the dumbest ways. all i can manage rn when i'm not stressing myself into a shut-down state is staring at the wall while listening to youtube essays + mindlessly crocheting.
i might queue up ppls art and fics w/o commentary in the tags... i want other ppl to see what all of my cool friends have made, but i genuinely can't think right now with this monstrous brain fog. i'm really sorry, just. yeah. maybe i'll think of some way to make it up later!!! once the dust has settled!!!! but until then i wuv u and miss u. smiles.
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[venting in tags including familial manipulation and ableism. i. didn't mean to write all of that, thiss was originally going to be a main blog post but. aaaaaAAAAAA!!!!!
also no need for replies or anything, i'd turn them off for just the one post if i could kjsndkn, i just needed to get things out and go eep jsjndsfdn ok bye bye bye bye!!!!]
#goddd my family finds it sooooooo funny that i can't do basic tasks! it's soooo funny that i can't even think of a horror movie to watch#on halloween bc i genuinely can't remember a single one right now. it's soooo funny that i can't take cardboard boxes or#old furniture out of my room without help bc i've physically and mentally and emotionally burnt out for Months.#and me not being able to move shit out after two (2) days makes me a hoarder somehow. and ofc hoarding is a moral failing#and my mom has to give me a stern talking-to about hoarding things... that were. again. in my room for 2 days....#[tbc it isnt a moral failing no matter the reason. life is hard and things happen and it can be hard to get rid of things for Reasons.]#nevermind them making constant snide remarks about me using ugly 'mismatched' desk / storage furniture. bc it was free / cheap? no income??#AND!!!!! i have a couple of new diagnoses. which doesn't change much day to day but it does make my family making fun of me#even more dumbfounding. like. this explains a lot of really scary unexplained symptoms that constantly leave me#housebound for weeks but uhhh haha hehe hoho??? so silly so funny that i'm barely conscious for multiple weeks???#and you can see that i'm getting worse but that makes it funnier??? hmm!!!#also nevermind that i've told them the exact reason why i've been like this (read: them) but that ALSO makes it funnier somehow.#but i also can't say shit bc they're doing something ~nice~ for me (out of convenience + after almost a decade of 'don't get comfortable'#and 'don't decorate this room bc it isn't yours' and 'you need to be ready to move out by x date'#only for the date to arrive and them to pull the 'i never said that. and if i did say it i didn't mean it like that.#and if i did mean it like that i don't anymore.' card. + any big renovations are things they wanted anyway. hmmmm!!#and how i have to do all of the phys labor alone bc if i ask for help i get made fun of!!! and yelled at that i'm doing things Wrong#(hint: i'm following instructions to the letter but. my family knows better than those silly things!! ^^ ))#jfc i sure did rant. uh. yeah. things. are really weird and uncomfy and i feel thankful that i finally can have my own things on display#outside of closets and bins again after a decade?? but i'm also waiting for the other shoe to drop / them to tell me i owe them in#some way??? bc that's how it works. 'i'm doing a nice thing you didn't even ask me for so now you have to do whatever i tell you to.'#meanwhile i can't even maladaptive daydream my way through it bc my brain is soup right now. can't remember basic things abt#my interests bc i've been on negative battery / spoons for a couple of months straight and it's only getting worse.#OKAY TLDR i'm not in a state to do anything until everything irl gets settled. and i'm trying So Hard to get it all over with but there's#only so much i can do in a day before i completely shut down. i didn't even get into the insurance stuff i've been fighting too ughhhh.#so if i show up on here in short spurts -- hi! bye! hi!! i wuv and care u!!! hope youre well mwah mwah!!!!!!! i'll post what i can and then#disappear when i need to recharge. it is what it is. i need to try to sleep now... uh if this post disappears when i wake up.... yeah......#📌 [ my posts. ]#💭 [ my thoughts. ]#vent -
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