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collecting-stories · 4 years ago

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Peace - pt. 04 - Rafe Cameron

Summary: The moments leading up to your wedding to Rafe.

A/N: I’m so sad to see this series end honestly, I’ve so loved writing this version of Rafe. Could probably write him like this forever😂 (I should note that I truly hate the Reagan’s but I do admire the love they had for each other and that’s why I reference them.)

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Rafe’s first apartment in Boston was a little generic. It was sleek though, modern, like someone had plucked it right out of a magazine and stuck it, piece for piece, into his living space. And it stayed that way for almost three years and then you left your coat hanging in the hall closet. It was banana yellow and looked like it belonged in a Paddington Bear book. But it was just one jacket and when he closed the closet door no one could tell the difference.

But then a toothbrush popped up, green against his color coordinated grays. A pair of sneakers you wore to the gym sat in his bedroom, a pastel rainbow of colors highlighting the white of everything else. They were small though, little minute changes that he could hide away until slowly, maybe without him even realizing it, you were all over the apartment. A dog bed for Fivel, throw blankets that you somehow smuggled into his place and never took home, by New Years his apartment looked more lived in than it had in three years prior.

It wasn’t just your things that made their way into Rafe’s apartment though. It was you. Somewhere between a one-night stand in college, a first date, and your second New Years eve together, you had made room for yourself in Rafe’s life. The somewhat generic party boy that had coasted through every other aspect of his life, relationships included, was suddenly thinking more than a week in advance.

He was thinking about houses, about where you could live together. A place that was yours and his, that was a space you both chose, you both decorated, you both lived in together. He thought about actual schedules, yours and his, but he thought far in advance to. What it would be like to come home from work at night and spend time with you. Watching dumb TV shows and eating take out and trying to cook and buying groceries together. It was all on his mind, all the time.

He’d taken up showing you houses now, brownstones in Beacon Hill that had enough bedrooms for kids, “I liked the one with the garden.” You said, passing Rafe his phone back.

That was new, at least in the last year that you were together. Topper had been the first one to say something about it when he’d been up to visit for Rafe’s 27th birthday. Sitting there on the couch watching the game, talking about what bars they were going to hit up.

“I can check...” Rafe patted his pocket for his phone, “babe, do you have my phone?”

“Oh yeah, sorry. Mine died and I plugged it in the bathroom.” You had walked into the room like it was nothing and handed over Rafe’s phone and Topper just sat there in mild shock. There hadn’t been a time in their friendship that Topper could pinpoint Rafe ever letting anyone use his phone. Just looking at the lock screen ran the risk of incrimination.

“He lets you use his phone?”

“As long as I don’t look at the messages his other girlfriends send him.” You joked, your sentence dissolving into laughter when Rafe tripped you and pulled you down into his lap.

“I don’t want to sound like a broken record here but...you’re just totally different man.” Topper confessed later once the two of them went out bar hopping. A school day the next morning demanded that you stay in but you waved them off and told them to have fun. Topper had been friends with Rafe since high school and he had seen all the bad sides of him. The excessive drinking, the recreational drug use, “I’ve never even known you to be monogamous.”

Rafe shrugged. It was probably true but there in the bar, where any other time, regardless of a girlfriend, he would’ve been more than happy to get some attention, he was just drinking, texting you sporadically. “I don’t know. I gave her a key to my place over Christmas.” He admitted, “I think I'm losing my mind.”

“That might not be a bad thing.”

“It definitely isn’t.”

Two months later, in March, when Rafe suggested, for the first time, that you should live together you had assumed he meant in one of your apartments. Yours was smaller than his so you figured it would be ruled out immediately. But you didn’t necessarily love his apartment building and the co-op that owned it could be a little strict for your taste. But Rafe didn’t mention either apartment. Or anything more on the matter until April when he asked what you thought about a brownstone while you were walking Fivel.

“Kind of big for two people and a dog.” You joked, slowing down in front of one of the brownstones in Beacon Hill. They were beautiful, the epitome of Boston life, a dream you’d definitely let yourself have before.

“What if we’re not two people and a dog forever?”

Rafe had a way of asking questions that sent your head spinning with all the giddy hope and optimism you thought you’d packed away when you decided that traditional life and milestones weren’t for you. When you knew for sure that people who got married for 30, 40, 50 years were just flukes, it wasn’t something to aspire to because it was never going to happen to you. The cynicism had been easy for a long time but then, whenever you were with Rafe, you felt like it was melting away.

He told you to look at brownstones, see if there were any for sale that the two of you thought could fit into your life. You looked on the cheaper side of things while Rafe was more realistic about his finances. And yours, you had told him around the same time as Ian’s wedding that your grandparents had set up a substantial trust for you that deposited to your account monthly. Enough that working was just because you wanted to.

It was no surprise that it was Rafe who found a house. A beautiful brownstone right in Beacon Hill with a garden entry, nestled back from the street, between two other homes, the courtyard in the front. It was gutted inside, closer to your proposed budget but it would require enough of an overhaul that you and Rafe would be putting a decent amount into renovations.

“You said you liked the one with the garden.” And somehow it became the second real argument you had. Silly, because you both loved the place. But you seemed willing to resist, to hold out even though he knew you wanted it.

You had sent pictures to your mom, saved images on Pinterest boards of all the house inspiration you could find, had bookmarked different tiles and wallpapers and furniture stores. And yet every time he mentioned it you said you weren’t sure.

“We’re supposed to sign today to buy it.” Rafe complained as you stalled. He was pulling his coat on and his scarf, the temperature drop in Boston was a nightmare, especially for Rafe. He hated the winter, and the fall, and part of the spring.

“I’m just not positive.”

“What’s the matter with it this time?” He asked, a little more than exasperated honestly.

You sighed, sitting down on the bar stool in Rafe’s kitchen. You knew what was the matter, the same thing that was the problem every time that you thought about the brownstone a little too long. “What if something happens?”

“What do you mean?”

“What if something happens between us? What if we start renovating and you hate all the stuff I like or what if we move in and you break up with me-“

“Can I ask why I’m doing all these things?” He asked, walking back over to where you were sitting, turning the seat of your stool so that he could cage you in a little. “What if you hate the stuff I like or you break up with me?”

“That’s ridiculous.” You dismissed.

“Yeah and it’s ridiculous for you to think that stuff about me.” He replied, “look, I get it. I’ve never taken anything seriously before. All the shit my dad says about me is true but this,” He waved his hand between the two of you, “there’s nothing I want more than this. Okay?”

“Okay,” you nodded, “but I want pink cabinets in the kitchen or no deal.”

Rafe smiled, shaking his head before. “Whatever you want.”

“That’s dangerous.” You teased, leaning forward in your chair and tilting your head up a little, silently asking him for a kiss which he happily reciprocated. “I love you, I just freak myself out sometimes.”

The brownstone took six months to finish, six months of meetings with a contractor, six months of walking through half finished abstractions and picking out tile and flooring and cabinets and paint. Six months of talking about color schemes and trying to convince Rafe that the pink velvet sofa was moving into the house.

And somehow, during those six months, it wasn’t Rafe’s modern, spacious, sleek apartment that you co-habituated in but your apartment. Smaller, brighter, more homely. Rafe’s lease ended before yours and he wasn’t sure how you convinced him but he moved out of his apartment, sold furniture he didn’t care about, and moved into yours.

The brownstone wasn’t the only thing that occupied Rafe’s mind during those six months. Between work and renovations Rafe had started spending an unhealthy amount of time looking at rings. There was a significant difference between what he knew you would like (which he had to base solely on what he knew about you because damn it if you never brought up a wedding at all) and what he would’ve liked to give you. He considered asking but he thought that might be in bad taste, who asks someone to help with their own proposal. So he did the next best thing he could think of.

“This is so exciting.” Nina’s high pitched whisper was hardly a whisper at all, far too invested in this ‘no one could see them talking’ conspiracy. She claimed it was for your benefit, to keep the secret a little longer, but Rafe had a better idea that it was just so she could boast about having helped after the fact. “God, this one is beautiful.”

“I thought she’d like it, it’s not very traditional and it’s something she’d feel comfortable wearing at work.” Rafe replied. He decided that was an important criteria. You didn’t wear a lot of jewellery solely because you worried about six year old hands grabbing at it or losing it throughout the day.

“I like it, I think she’d really love it.” Nina replied honestly, “you should just go with your gut, you know what she likes.”

“I just second guess myself.”

“Well don’t, you guys are…it’s nice, to see her with someone that makes her happy. She used to be so stressed all the time with Ian and he was always such a dick to her.” Nina commented. She let Rafe take his laptop back, the two of them sitting at a table in the Starbucks near your apartment.

The ring was modest and, for lack of a better word, delicate. It had been the first one he’d seen that he’d felt confident about and hearing Nina confirm that you would love it reassured that anxious feeling in his gut. He didn’t know how to explain it in a way that made sense, that didn’t sound like some cliché sound bite, but this wasn’t something he ever thought about it. He had friends who thought about stuff like that, who made plans or thought further ahead than a week but he had never been one of them. Topper had been right, this wasn’t him. Or, not the version of him that he had been before.

“You have plans to propose?” Nina asked, sipping her latte and watching Rafe so casually ordering the ring right there in Starbucks like it was a pair of shoes.

“The house is done in two months so, I was thinking about waiting until then.” He shrugged.

“You’re gonna ask her to marry you just, in your house?”

“It’ll be first thing, kinda a ‘here’s our house, marry me’ thing. Why?” He asked. Rafe thought it was a pretty good idea. Take you to the house for one last walk through before you officially moved and ask you to marry right on the rooftop deck that you loved so much.

“Just wondered,” Nina replied. “You were so worried about the ring, I expected you to be more unsure about everything.”

“I knew the brownstone was the spot when we toured it with the realtor.” He replied, matter of fact. “Obviously don’t say anything.”

“I won’t, I promise.”

Rafe could’ve asked you about a ring, a wedding, future kids, and you probably still wouldn’t have put two and two together. It wasn’t that you didn’t think about those things because you did. It was like flipping on a TV that was only playing a series of ex machina broadcasts. Even if you weren’t thinking about it immediately it crept in. When Anya had told you about her honeymoon you immediately wondered what your own might be like, if it would ever happen. When a new class of kids started and a name stuck out to you as one you liked you’d start to wonder about your own future children.

You thought about the future to an overwhelming degree and you always had. But you didn’t think that Rafe did. Or, more accurately, you didn’t want to think about whether or not he did. What if dating was enough? What if the brownstone was enough? Your mom always spooked you with the same advice, “never move in with a guy before you’re engaged or you’ll never get married”.

You only broached the subject once, laying on the couch after a day of parent-teacher conferences and watching the Bachelorette because it was ridiculous and you needed ridiculous television.

“You could audition for this show.” You called as Rafe came out of the bedroom, changed out of his work clothes (slacks, button downs, you were truly blessed to see both sides of his wardrobe as often as you did).

“For…” he looked at the screen as he pulled his Duke University shirt over his head, “for the bachelorette?”

“Yeah, I bet you’d be like, a fan favorite.”

“I don’t know how you watch this, it’s all manufactured.”

“It’s kinda nice though, I mean they all get right to the point.” You replied.

“Saying ‘I wanna marry that person’ before they even know each other is dumb. Very rarely does that happen in real life.” Rafe said, walking into the kitchen.

“Will you make me popcorn? Also, it’s not dumb…you’ve never met someone and been like ‘that’s the one’ right off the bat?” You called.

Rafe grabbed the popcorn out of the cabinet, Fivel appearing at his feet at the sound of rattling. “Did you feed Five?” He asked, already opening the fridge to grab his food.

“Only dry food before I walked him.” You called back, “you didn’t answer my question.”

“Your question is a trap.” He replied.

You sat up, leaning over the back of the couch so that you could see him in the kitchen. “It is not!”

Rafe only hummed, ignoring you as you flopped back onto the couch to watch Chris Harrison announce that the guys were flying to Ireland for the next leg of the competition. Rafe looked back over at the TV before putting your popcorn in the microwave. Fivel ate and then headed into the living room, jumping up on the wing chair that you always kept a heating pad and blankets on. Somewhere in all the domesticity of his life Rafe had stopped thinking so much about the differences. He didn’t dwell too much on the kid he’d been in North Carolina and just let himself enjoy doing absolutely nothing with you on a Tuesday night, watch trash TV and talking about all the stuff you had to do in the upcoming weeks.

He carried the bowl of popcorn into the living room with a beer and a diet coke, depositing everything on the coffee table. He turned the heating pad on for Fivel before sitting on the other end of the couch from you, your socked feet tucking under his thigh. “College,” Rafe said, glancing over at you.

“What?” You sat up a little bit, moving away from him only to move closer.

“When I saw you in the stairwell at Duke. I was pretty sure.” He replied. Pretty sure was an understatement. If there was one thing that Rafe was positive about it was that he had known then and there, as you stood on the other side of the door in the cold, or maybe before that even, when you first walked into his line of view, that you were it. He would’ve chased that feeling forever if he’d never gotten a second chance at it.

“I was so nervous that night...I thought like worse case, you were gonna try to take advantage of me,” you pointed out.

“There goes my credibility.”

“Well, in hindsight, we did sleep together. But you’re just…I don’t know. Especially in college. I don’t think I’ve ever met a person in my entire life who so embodies the phrase ‘I get what I want’ but you certainly did then.” You replied. He still did now but you didn’t want to give him too much of an ego boost.

“I’d say I can’t argue but you never did call me back.”

“Yeah well you’ve got me now.” You teased.

Rafe had told Nina he had it all figured out. In two months he would propose to you, in the house you bought together, and it would be romantic and thoughtful and planned. And all of it went out the window for a Tuesday night in a cramped apartment watching the Bachelorette and eating popcorn.

“Marry me.”

“What?” You looked away from the group date that was dissolving into chaos on the screen. You had to shift back a little to look at him because when you’d moved you’d leaned your whole body against his.

“Marry me.” He repeated, that same confidence that had been seeped in every word that he spoke when he flirted with you in college was there now, as if he was just so incredibly sure of himself. “I was gonna wait another two months to ask but I’d rather not.”

“Okay, yea, yes.” You nodded. You felt like a whirlwind was going in your mind, all the things you wanted to happen, the things you pretended not to think about, that you spent far too much time on, came rushing forward as you kissed him, unconcerned with the TV or anything other than your boyfriend in that moment.

Rafe kissed you back, pulling you over his lap, hands on your hips. He was all for a quiet Tuesday but he certainly wouldn’t complain about having this instead. “Bedroom?”

“Yes sir.” You replied, arms wrapped around his shoulders and smiling against his mouth. Your grip tightened when Rafe stood suddenly, your legs locking around his waist as he carried you into the bedroom.

You had teased him the first time you toured your future home that he would have to buy a really good couch for the living room so he wouldn’t have to carry you up a flight of stairs. He’d only replied that he would have to put an elevator in.

“You didn’t ask about a ring,” Rafe pointed out, laying in bed with you, hand holding yours over his chest.

“What do you mean?”

“People usually propose with a ring.”

“Oh,” you scrunched your nose up and pressed your forehead against his shoulder, you hadn’t even thought about a ring. Anything that wasn’t solely Rafe had gone out of your head without much effort, your sole focus on him and the fact that he’d asked you to marry him. There was nothing else you could even imagine thinking of in that moment. “I totally forgot.”

“I was going to propose at the house, when we moved in,” he commented, tightening his grip around your waist as if he could pull you any closer.

“That would’ve been really nice.”

“I know.” He had it all planned perfectly, “so I won’t have a ring for another month or so.”

“You shouldn’t have mentioned it then! I might not’ve even realized it.” You teased.

“Oh, I’m sure you wouldn’t have.” Rafe replied, “you probably would’ve forgotten we were engaged. I could’ve re-proposed.”

“You should’ve, you could’ve made it more romantic.”

“What can I say,” he shrugged, “I’m impatient.”

“That’s okay,” you reasoned because honestly it was fine. This was good enough, “you just couldn’t resist me.”

“Yeah that’s what it was.”

“Hey!” You laughed, untangling yourself to sit up in bed, “hey, did you have a speech and everything? Was it gonna be like, really sappy?”

“I did have a speech, yes.” Rafe replied. “It was pretty good too.” And it should’ve been, he had drafts saved on his phone of different possible speeches he could’ve given you.

“Are you gonna not read it to me now?”

“It’s on my phone.”

“Easy fix.” Before he could grab you, you had gotten off the bed, running out to the living room. You made it to the other side of the door before you ducked back in, grabbing Rafe’s shirt off the ground. “Mrs. Murphy is home.”

“Flash her, she’d love it.” Rafe joked, laughing when you threw up the middle finger at him as you left the room.

Your window ‘neighbor’ was a retired older lady who liked to sit in her living room and pretend to watch TV. In actuality she had angled her TV just so that she would be able to watch all the windows on the building beside hers, your building, and she’d caught you in some fairly compromising positions since you had started dating Rafe. She was happy to peep and you were pretty sure Rafe purposely walked around the living room naked or next to naked just to give her a show but you most definitely were not.

“Is it in your notes?” You asked, coming back into the room with Rafe’s phone in your hands, swiping through apps.

“I’ll get it, give me my phone.” He offered, holding his hand out.

“I wanna read it.”

“I’ll read it to you.” Rafe replied.

“Fine.” You climbed up on the bed, hand pressed against the arched ceiling above your head to keep your balance, Rafe’s shirt riding up. When you got close enough he wrapped a hand around the back of your thigh, pulling and causing you to fall into his lap, knees on either side of him. “I was this close to kneeing you,” you said, holding your thumb and forefinger almost together as indication.

“But you didn’t.” Rafe took the phone from you, searching his notes to find the speech he’d drafted.

Though you were sure Mrs. Murphy was sad to see you go you were practically bouncing at the prospect of the new house. A house. The word felt so foreign. And maybe because you’d packed up all those silly childhood dreams ages ago when you decided that you would never be the type of person to meet someone that felt so wholly part of you. Nina got the childhood sweetheart life you’d wanted for so long and when you finally cancelled those plans and put your focus on a life that revolved around you and Fivel things like houses felt silly.

But there it was, something you’d only ever walked passed before. Three stories of space, four bedrooms, an office space, a kitchen that looked fit for the pages of a magazine. Rafe was sorting through books to put on the shelves in the living room space, and you were tackling the kitchen while Fivel napped on the back patio space.

“We should have an engagement party here.” You called over the music you had turned on. “Honestly we could have the whole wedding here.”

“I think we might need a little bit more space for a wedding.” Rafe replied, leaving the books in boxes momentarily to find you in the kitchen. You were on the floor, unpacking the pots and pans and loading them into the lower cabinets.

“I saw this post that this woman and her partner had a small wedding and did a lot of diy stuff and then saved all their money for the honeymoon.” You replied. “If we time it right we could honeymoon in the summer.”

“That’s fine with me.” Rafe shrugged, “you’ll be planning by yourself though, I’m going to Beijing in May, for the-“

“For that whatever thing your boss is having you do.” You cut him off, leaning back against his legs, “Lucky you. And don’t think for a second that I won’t harass you every day with emails and texts and facetime asking about what venue should we rent, where should we get pictures, what should we eat.”

“Can’t wait,” Rafe laughed, “we’ll figure something out. Though I do like this small wedding you're talking about.”

“That’s cause you hate everyone.” You replied.

Rafe was a party person in the sense that he liked showing off and parties gave him the opportunity but he was not fond of too many people. Polite, friendly even, sure, but he wasn’t rushing to plan too many outings that didn’t immediately benefit him in some way. The only close friends he had were from childhood.

“Fine then, we’ll have a big wedding.” He shrugged, stepping away from you and causing you to grab the floor before you fell on your back.

“No,” you groaned, “I don’t like people either.”

“I’ll only be gone a month; we’ll figure out the wedding details and all that shit.”

“All that shit.” You repeated, getting up off the ground and walking over to him.

“What?” He asked, skeptical as you smiled at him, wrapping your arms around his waist and tilting your head back slightly to get him to kiss you.

“We’re living together.”

“We have been living together.” He pointed out, just barely kissing you, nose brushing yours.

“Yeah, but this is our house.”

The wedding was small, exactly the way you both wanted. Rafe’s sisters were there by Ward and Rose stayed in North Carolina. Your family came and a few friends, you skipped inviting anyone from work aside from Anya, who came alone. The small church in was in Western Massachusetts, in your hometown, decorated with wild flowers and greens.

“Topper,” you whispered, waving your soon-to-be husband’s best friend, and best man, over to where you were, peeking out of the pastor’s office. You were almost completely ready, all you needed was your veil and you’d be ready to walk down the aisle. Rafe was already in the chapel, talking with your family as they waited for the pression to start.

“Hey,” Topper came over, giving you a quick hug. He’d arrived yesterday and you hadn’t gotten the chance to seen him because you were staying at your sister’s. You had made Rafe swear that the two of you were going to spend your pre-wedding night separate. “Cold feet? Want me to stall so you can make a getaway?” He teased.

“No.” You laughed, “will you get Rafe for me though?”

“Yeah.” He squeezed you in a hug one more time, kissing your forehead before pulling away, “you look beautiful by the way.”

“Thank you.”

Topper disappeared back into the chapel, walking up the aisle to where Rafe was, whispering in his best friend’s ear that you wanted him. Rafe glanced down the aisle, as if he could see you through the doors. He clapped Topper on the shoulder and headed down the aisle into the vestibule where the pastor’s office was. A few stragglers were chatting as he passed them, coming to the door and knocking.

You opened the door enough that he could just see you, your robe obscuring the dress you were wearing. “Hi.”

“Hey, you trying to cancel the wedding on me?” He teased.

“No, god, don’t listen to Topper.” You laughed, “I just wanted to see you. I missed you.”

“I saw you yesterday.”

“Rafe!” You pouted, glaring at him.

He placed his hand on the back of your neck, leaning in to kiss you, “hey, I love you.”

“I love you too.”

“I’ll see you soon.” Rafe promised, kissing you one last time before letting go, heading back into the chapel.

Everything felt like a blur that fast forwarded to the vows, standing there at the top of the church, pastor in front of you and crowd of family and friends sitting, watching, as Rafe read off the index cards he’d written his vows on. He’d obsessed over them, from the moment you said yes until now, he’d gone over them and over them and back over them. What if he said the wrong thing, what if he sounded stupid or insincere? But you were looking at him like he’d hung the stars, like no one had ever looked at him before.

He took a deep breath before beginning, “one time at your parents' house you tried to tell me about something Nancy Reagan said to her husband and I know I cut you off then but when we went home afterward, I read up on the President and his wife and I don’t know exactly what you intended to say but in a letter to Nancy, Reagan said ‘I more than love you, I’m not whole without you. You are life itself to me. When you are gone I’m waiting for you to return so I can start living again.’ When I saw you across the street, waiting outside the restaurant on our first date that was it for me. I knew in the stairwell of Duke that you were it and when you messaged me the first time after that I knew I was never letting this go…”

You listened to his vows, blinking furiously as you tried not to cry. It was a useless attempt, by the second sentence you could feel the tears, probably soaking through makeup that you’d have to redo before pictures.

“You never told me you read that,” you laughed, trying your best not to cry, “damn it.”

Rafe smiled, that same smugness he always had when he did something he knew you would undeniably love. You pressed the folded piece of paper to your chest, taking a breath before steadily unfolding it and looking down at your handwriting scrawled in successive paragraphs, all collections of feelings.

“Okay,” you breathed, looking up at the ceiling in an attempt to stop crying and then down again at the papers...

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amphtaminedreams · 4 years ago

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The Summer of Disappointment: Lookbook no.11

Hi to anyone reading,

Welcome to an exploration of one of my favourite combinations of activities: putting outfits together and moaning. Straight off the bat-this summer has been a shitty one. The pandemic has made 2020 a shitty year all round. My feelings are best summed up in this tweet by @25lambs (I love her account but this girl changes her @ every other week so it will probably have changed again by the time I post this):

The uncertainty of when life will return to some semblance of “normality” is the hardest part. I also feel like I lost a big chunk of my life to, well, being miserable basically, especially during my teen years and my plans to make up for that in my 20s has been potentially snatched away. That being said, in the grand scheme of things, I am very lucky. I still have a job and I haven’t lost anyone close to me, which are both hugely traumatic things that many people have had to go through as a result of the pandemic. I think being sad about how the pandemic has affected your life and also recognising that there are people who are facing a far greater amount of hardship than you are not mutually exclusive which is something people online tend to forget on a daily basis. I also thought we had longer, if that makes sense, like summer came and went in such a short space of time it almost feels like it hasn’t happened yet, and being the extremely anal individual I am, of course I had a load of outfits planned that I never got round to wearing-instead of sulking about what didn’t happen, I instead decided I’d make a bit of a lookbook out of those outfits as well as a kind of diary of what I did get round to wearing.

So that’s enough rambling from me! I’ll get on with it!

Looks 1-3

Depop has been my absolute favourite thing for the last few months. I gave up fast fashion around May and apart from a slip up or two, I’ve pretty much stuck to that since. That being said, I am clearly very into fashion and styling and so it’s been a hard transition to make (yes, first world problems IK, don’t bait me), especially with me being a compulsive shopper. Wanna know how to lose weight? The jig is up guys, switch from emotional eating to emotional shopping. I’m joking, nobody needs to lose any weight, but I am 100% someone who attempts to cure feeling like shit with some good old instant gratification, and Depop has filled my fast fashion void. My favourite purchases from the last few months include this tan faux suede jacket on the left I bought from Tash_Hall’s shop, and aside from that everything here is old. It makes me feel like I’m a background extra in Once Upon a Time in Hollywood and I’m into that. The movie was shit but the visuals were top tier.

-21/07/20-

(top handmade by sophieeee_1123 on Depop)

-30/09/20-

(dress from maisiemainwaring on Depop, jacket from marinamcaleesex)

-18/09/20-

(top handmade by maddypageknitwear on Depop)

-25/07/20-

(cargo trousers from amber_thomson1 on Depop)

Looks 4-6

So I doubt anyone actually reads my fashion week reviews-I know everyone’s here for the pictures-but if you did, you’d know how much I wanted last season’s Erdem hats to happen off the runway. You know, the big boater ones that tie under the chin? Well, I got one off Ebay, as you can see on the left, I can confirm that in anything other than still life they look absolutely fucking ridiculous; I never ended up wearing mine outside the house because if I wore it for more than two seconds it would end up teetering to one side and slipping off my head, hence me trying to pass off holding it up as a fashion moment, lol. Maybe they are completely impractical, maybe I just have a big head (which is true), who knows. The beaded butterfly top however (from Depop but I can’t find the seller’s account anymore!), also on the left, was way more flattering on than I expected it to be and I am gutted I didn’t get to wear it out. If they’re right about a vaccine not being ready until July 2021 then it looks like next summer’s festival season will be cancelled too, but festival season 2022, this top is coming for ya. Optimism, you know. Other than that, the shorts are reworked Levis from Studsnstuff vintage on Ebay, which I have ALWAYS wanted and now irritatingly pair with absolutely everything and call it a look, and the two piece is stolen from my sister’s wardrobe, lol. Lastly, we have the sunhat, which reminds me of something my parents would’ve put me in when I was little and is totally adorable, from Happydais’ Depop store.

-28/07/20-

-12/07/20-

(top from tash2 on Depop, skirt from anishacassanova)

-27/08/20-

(skirt from mollie_morton on Depop)

-19/08/20-

(jeans from izziesanders on Depop)

-16/09/20-

Looks 6-10

Up there with my favourite Depop purchases of the summer is the striped corduroy trousers in the bottom right from Annasctx’s shop. I was desperate for some vintage trousers in this style but most resellers were, typically, charging extortionate prices for them, so it was a blessing to come across these for under £30. It sounds like a lot but they are a popular item on there at the moment so it’s a good price considering! Also from Depop is the red bodysuit from Alzaska’s store, the monogrammed headband from Jadexlaurenx’s store, and the PU flame print beret from House_of_erotique who do the most AMAZING custom pieces. I am waiting on a couple of things from them at the moment for an American Horror Story inspired lookbook I’m doing for halloween and I am buzzing to try them on! The bag I’m using here is my new go to-it’s a second hand Calvin Klein I found for THIRTY FUCKING POUND in a local charity shop! The woman at the tills told me that lots of people had gone to buy it and then put it back because it was too expensive which is insane! I know you go into a charity shop for cheap things but this bag was such a steal I have no idea how nobody just bit the bullet and bought it. Anyways, I’m not complaining because now it’s mine and I'm in love and I’m gonna try not to spill a monster energy drink on this one<3

-26/08/20-

-18/08/20-

(suit from emmafisher3 on Depop)

-10/09/20-

-15/08/20-

So, that’s it for now! If you got to this point, thank you for reading! I’m sorry it’s not longer but I’m finding it really hard to motivate myself to write at the moment with everything going on-I’m only finishing this now because it’s 3:30AM and my friend’s cat that I’m looking after is keeping me awake and I’m too much of a softy to shut it out the bedroom. London has just gone into tier 2 lockdown which means I can’t visit my sister or my friends up there, and they’re not allowed to travel down here either. I get it needs to be this way and that we have to make sacrifices, but that’s not to say it isn’t tough on a lot of people’s mental wellbeing. I was really beginning to get my shit together this year, lol! Oh well! Sorry 2021, messy bitch me is getting a sequel. I know, I hate her too.

With regards to what’s coming up on my page, I’m working on the American Horror Story lookbook I mentioned this week and then a (probably non-existent this year) party season lookbook following that. I do intend to do more mood boards and a summary of the S/S 2021 shows soon. I don’t know if I’ve got it in me to do a whole ass review at the moment so I might spice it up and do a tier ranking or rating out of 10 or something fun like that, but there will definitely be something within the next couple of months! I also thought it’d be cool to do a post on the style of some incredible black influencers who are sorely underappreciated on Instagram for Black History Month, but even if I don’t get it out in October, expect that at some point.

Thank you to anyone who read this and thank you in general for bearing with me! I really hope things look up from here but regardless, if we all work together and be considerate of others, we can get through this. I hope everyone is doing okay and as always, if you are struggling, my inbox is always open. Post suggestions are welcome too, as well as feedback as long as it’s not *too* mean. A bitch is sensitive atm.

Stay safe!

Lauren x

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haberdashing · 5 years ago

Text

Cohabitation

TMA fic inspired by real events. Statement of Quinn Morgan regarding their imaginary roommate.

on AO3

Statement of Quinn Morgan regarding their imaginary roommate. Original statement given September 13, 2012. Audio recording by Jonathan Sims, Head Archivist of the Magnus Institute, London.

Statement begins.

It all started as something of a joke, really. I’d call it an inside joke, but can you really call it that when you’re the only one in on it? I never thought it’d get so out of hand but, well, here we are.

See, my freshman year in college--university, I guess you’d call it?--my original roommate moved out to room with one of her friends instead. Not a big loss, really, she was always up later than me and was way more into the party scene than I’d ever be. Anyway, housing said they’d replace her, but spring semester came and went without me getting a roommate, which was fine by me. I liked the peace and quiet, liked having the extra space to myself, liked being able to come and go as I pleased.

Sophomore year, though, I knew that would all change. I hadn’t made much in the way of friends in my freshman year, and those I had made were generally male, which. Well. My own gender is more complex than checking off one of the usual two boxes, but to be fair to housing even I hadn’t realized that bit yet. Suffice it to say rooming with any of my guy friends simply wasn’t an option, at least not then and there.

So I went in for a random roommate. Housing said they’d paired me with someone, but didn’t pass along any details besides a phone number that gave me an error message when I tried calling it. Wasn’t sure what to expect when I got back on campus. Honestly, I was kind of scared they’d paired me with some weirdo, even though I suppose by that logic, I’d be “some weirdo” as well.

Whatever I was expecting, though, it wasn’t for move-in day to come and go without my roommate arriving.

I spent a couple days wondering if they’d just missed move-in day somehow, if they’d show up with no notice and start moving things in, but after a week I was starting to doubt that my roommate was ever going to show. I sent housing a vaguely-worded email asking about my roommate, but when they responded asking if there was a problem, I... I didn’t respond. I should have told them the truth of the situation, I suppose, but I figured what they didn’t know wouldn’t hurt them, and I’d enjoy what time I could with the room all to myself.

They stuck a little white-board outside the door of each dorm room for people to write their names, an easy way to introduce yourself to your neighbors, I guess. So I put my name on there--well, my deadname, since I was still using it at the time. And then after a bit of thought, I added the name Heather. I’d never known anyone named Heather, but I’d always thought it was a pretty name, maybe something I’d name a baby girl somewhere down the road. It was a normal enough name, too, one that wouldn’t raise eyebrows or get people asking too many questions. And this way, people passing by my dorm room wouldn’t know that I’d managed to nab a room by myself. Just me and Heather, two ordinary roommates in an ordinary dorm room, nothing to see there, definitely no great conspiracy to be unearthed.

Maybe if I’d stopped there, that’d be all it ever was, just a name on a sign that helped me fool housing into not forcing another roommate on me. But that was just the start of it.

See, I’d always fancied myself a bit of a writer, even though classes freshman year taught me well enough that while I enjoyed it at my own pace, it wasn’t something I’d want to major in, let alone get a career doing. So now that my supposed roommate had a name, I started thinking of her like just another character in one of my stories.

I gave her a full name, one generic enough that it could be the name of someone going to school here--Heather Anne Johnson, I settled on. I decided she’d transferred from another local school, one that some people joked didn’t exist because nobody ever met anyone from there despite them being one town over, though the real explanation was probably just that school being super small compared to us and a lot more religious to boot.

And then I went and made a Facebook profile for her, partly to flesh her out a bit and give me a place to put all these ideas for her I’d come up with, partly so if housing did come snooping around she’d seem more like a real student. The profile picture was a photo of a lilac bush I found on Google, I had “Heather” join the school page and a few others, she even shared a few memes I came across. If you did some research I’m sure you would’ve figured out that her life story only existed through that Facebook page, but at a glance I thought it’d seemed believable enough.

Apparently I was right about that bit, because when I checked on it a week later it had a few friend requests from actual students at my school. I think one of them shared a bio class with me, but I didn’t know any of them super well. I accepted all the requests, though, figured that’d just make the page seem that much more real. I updated it every couple days, too--not on any kind of a schedule, just when I was bored, which was pretty common.

I wasn’t the most social person... I’m still not, I suppose. But when it happened to come up in conversation, I’d tell whoever was asking that I had a roommate, maybe share her name and a few other tidbits about her (I’d decided she had brown hair, was kind of a neat freak, and was majoring in philosophy) if it seemed necessary. It’d all fall apart if anyone visited my dorm room--I hadn’t gone so far as to actually set up the other bed in the room or give “Heather” a separate living space--but nobody ever did. And housing never bothered me again after they responded to that one email of mine, so on that end, it worked just fine, I guess. Nobody suspected that I’d managed to get a room all to myself.

Heather kept getting friend requests from both people I knew and people I didn’t, as I’d post fairly generic status updates and share posts from other students, and at one point I realized my nonexistent roommate had more friends who went to school with me than I did, which... it’s sad, definitely, but I’m not sure whether it says more about how persuasive I was or how little of a social life I had. Probably a little of both.

Then one of my handful of friends from freshman year, Tyson Hunter, asked me about her, a couple weeks after I’d accepted his friend request on her profile. Said Heather had looked sad the last time he’d seen her, and he wanted to make sure she was doing okay.

Now, the one thing I’d never done is posted an actual picture of what Heather was supposed to look like. I’d replaced that lilac bush profile picture with a few other things--rainbows, cartoons, waterfalls, other flowers--but never any of an actual person. I knew I was crossing some lines here, but I wasn’t catfishing anyone at least. So there was no way Tyson could’ve seen what Heather looked like, because she didn’t look like anything, besides the vague descriptions I’d give whenever anyone asked.

Maybe I should’ve told the truth then. Tyson’s a good guy--a smart-ass sometimes, sure, but a nice enough person--and I doubt he’d have ratted me out to housing if I’d just come clean then and there. But now that it came up, I felt kind of weird about having not let him know in the first place, and I didn’t want to just up and confess.

So instead, I just asked some questions, trying not to seem as confused as I really was. What did he mean, “the last time he’d seen her”? When was that? Where was that?

And Tyson said he’d seen her in the halls of the philosophy building the day before, and she kept looking down at the floor and biting her lip, and she looked like she was trying to hold back tears.

I changed the subject after that, because... because it was weird, and because obviously he’d just bumped into some random student who happened to resemble how I’d described Heather and assumed it was her. Which was awkward, given the reality of the situation, and meant that some random brunette had been near tears yesterday, but even if I’d wanted to track down this supposedly-Heather, it’s a big school, that’d take forever. So I tried to just move on and forget about that.

A couple days later another friend of mine, Jack Murphy, said that that roommate of mine, Heather, was, and I quote, “a total hottie”, and was she single, because if so he was interested.

I blurted out that sure, she was single, before actually thinking through my response. I assumed Jack must have mistaken some other student for Heather like Tyson did, and asked where he’d seen her?

Jack’s answer wasn’t as clear as Tyson’s had been. He just said he’d seen her “around” a bunch of times, and that she was cute, that he liked her freckles and her dimples and the way her glasses framed her deep brown eyes. Which... I had decided she had brown eyes, actually, but I was pretty sure I hadn’t mentioned that to anyone because who just casually brings up their roommate’s eye color in a conversation?

So one of my friends was drooling over a girl that he thought was the roommate I didn’t actually have. Great.

I think it was when Jack asked if I could set him up with Heather that I realized I was in way too deep.

I told him I’d talk to her about it, but no promises, and then I went to my dorm room and saw the bare bed next to mine and just... just burst out laughing, because all this was ridiculous, really.

This was all during finals week, by the way, which... probably didn’t help my test scores any, but it did mean winter break was right around the corner, so I just stalled Jack until then, figured I could figure out what to tell him about my roommate that didn’t exist over the break.

That winter break was... intense. It’s when I realized I was nonbinary, for one thing, and when my parents sprung on me that they were getting a divorce, for another. So I didn’t have that much time to think about the whole Heather thing. But the couple of times I checked her Facebook profile, a few people had sent messages about sharing classes with Heather--one from some upper-level philosophy class, one from contemporary world history, and two from intro to psych. All things that were probably the sort of classes she’d take if, you know, she took classes at all.

I ignored the messages, and when winter break was up and I met up with Jack again, I told him I hadn’t had time to talk things over with Heather yet, which, well, technically not a lie, right? Jack gave me a folded-up piece of paper and said to pass it along to Heather, let him know what her reaction was.

I just... I just nodded and went along with it. I didn’t look at the thing. I was sure it was a confession of love, or bad love poetry, or something else of the sort, and I really didn’t want to read any of that. I just tucked the piece of paper into my pocket, and when I got back to my dorm room that night, I chucked it onto the bare, empty bed that would be Heather’s if she existed, before going to sleep.

The next day, after going to classes and eating dinner with Tyson, I noticed that the piece of paper wasn’t where I’d thrown it on the empty bed anymore. After a bit of searching, I found that it hadn’t just fallen off, but had somehow ended up in my garbage bin. I opened it, then, and from what I could make out it was exactly the sort of thing I’d expected, a nicely-worded letter asking one Heather Johnson on a date, but what stood out most was the big X drawn to cover nearly the entire page in what looked like red Sharpie.

All of that’s weird, of course, but the part that stuck out to me was that I didn’t even own a red Sharpie, or a red marker for that matter, just a single black Sharpie and a lot of pens and pencils. I figured the rest could be chalked up to- to sleepwalking, or some sort of mental break, or something, but there was no way I could’ve put that big red X on there.

Things kept getting weirder from there, but from the end of January on it, it kind of starts to blur together in my mind. The Facebook account I’d made for Heather started having friends I didn’t remember adding, even a few that weren’t students at the school I went to. Jack came to me red-faced one evening saying that he’d asked Heather about the note he’d written for her and she’d laughed in his face, and it’d been right in front of the cafeteria so half the school saw. Tyson kept asking me questions about Heather’s new boyfriend. Heather’s Facebook account suddenly said that she had a new boyfriend, which I certainly hadn’t put there. (Aaron, I think his name was? Aaron Masters, maybe? I, I didn’t look into it that closely. Think I was a bit scared to look too close, honestly.) I got a noise complaint from a night I hadn’t even been in my room, since I’d pulled an all-nighter in the library just before a big midterm. My parents asked questions about that nice girl they heard in the background of all my phone calls. I kept finding garbage in my bin that I was sure wasn’t mine, like- like a bag of salt and vinegar chips, when I hate those...

Eventually I just broke down. Jack asked me something about Heather--I don’t even remember what he asked now--and I just snapped at him that Heather wasn’t real, I didn’t have a roommate, I made her up and I didn’t get why everybody was just going along with it so much, so stop asking about my imaginary roommate already!

He’d stared at me for a long minute before just shaking his head and saying that it wasn’t funny, that I could do a lot better than that if I was trying to mess with his head.

I hadn’t even realized it was April Fools’ Day.

I snapped at Tyson the day after, though, and then my parents later that evening, and I think that’s when everybody realized it wasn’t just a joke or a prank or whatever, that something was seriously wrong.

The rest of April was... well. I got pulled out of school, thrown in a psych ward for a bit, and then forced into a lot of therapy when I got home. Because everybody thinks I’m the crazy one here, everybody thinks Heather’s real and I’m the weird one for thinking she’s not. But I swear I’m sane! I mean, I got diagnosed with ADD as a kid, and I’ve kind of suspected I might have some kind of social anxiety for a while now, but nothing where I’d have any sort of break with reality like that.

Heather Anne Johnson was a name I assigned to a roommate I didn’t have. She never existed. Except- except everybody thinks she did, now. Everybody except me, anyway.

I’m taking what I’m calling a gap year, though I think usually that’s for when you do it before college, not right in the middle, but it sounds nice at least. Told my parents I thought backpacking across Europe would be good for me, help me get back in touch with the world around me. And some of that was true, but really I just wanted to put as many miles between me and my old school, between me and Heather, as I could.

I’ve been trying to avoid information about her now, but in the middle of June I tried logging into her old Facebook profile, just for shits and giggles, and I couldn’t. The password I’d used for the account for all those months didn’t work anymore. And my computer had saved it, so I wasn’t just typing it in wrong, either.

And around the end of August I checked her profile, thinking about how it’d been almost a year since Heather first came to be and how much had changed since then, and I saw Heather had posted a status just a few days before saying that she was excited to start her junior year of school and meet her new roommate.

I don’t know what good telling you my story will do. You probably won’t believe it any more than the therapists and psychiatrists all did. But I want it on record somewhere, anyway. Because I keep thinking about that latest status update. Keep thinking that whoever Heather’s new roommate is, they’re in for one hell of a time, if they exist any more than she does.

Keep thinking maybe things could have gone even worse for me than they did, in the end.

I think however this gap year of mine ends, it won’t be with me going back to school there. The last thing I want is to hear about someone else’s run-ins with the roommate I invented.

Statement ends.

#tma #tma fic #tma fanfic #the magnus archives #the magnus archives fic #the magnus archives fanfic #personal #my writing #unreality #if you're curious about the rl deets i'm throwing some of them into an endnote on ao3

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saltlamp · 5 years ago

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i was tagged by @florenepugh and @wintersoeldiers (thank you ashlyn and arya 🥰 sorry this is a couple days late) to answer the following 73 questions!

my answers are under the cut !!

on a scale of 1-10, how excited are you about life right now? honestly about a 5, i’m working on taking better care of myself and doing all my assignments but there’s nothing good going on

describe yourself in a hashtag? #burntout

if you could do a love scene with anyone, who would it be? nobody

if your life was a musical, what would the marquee say? one day at a time

what’s one thing people don’t know about you? i’ve never dyed my hair

what’s your wake up ritual? i snooze my alarm until i feel mentally awake, then wash my face and brush my teeth and drink some water, get dressed and make some coffee if i feel like i need it, then get started on whatever i have to do for the day

what’s your go to bed ritual? i wash my face and brush my teeth, then if i really need to sleep i’ll take a melatonin and put lavender into my diffuser

what’s your favorite time of day? midnight

your go to for having a good laugh? john mulaney netflix specials or [fictional characters as] vine compilations

dream country to visit? anywhere in europe, but i really want to go back to peru someday

what’s the biggest surprise you’ve ever had? i’m getting a car when i leave for college!!! a new one!!! i still can’t believe it

heels or flats/sneakers? mostly sneakers but sometimes heels make me feel badass. i’m the tallest girl in the room most of the time, so what’s a few more inches?

vintage or new? both

who do you want to write your obituary? leigh bardugo would make me seem a lot cooler than i really am and write my trauma in a beautifully sad way so... i’d love that.

style icon? ashley from bestdressed on youtube!! (wait ashlyn SAME i’ve been subscribed to her for like three years and my style evolves with hers)

what are three things you cannot live without? my journal, my water bottle, and my airpods

what’s one ingredient you put in everything? ...salt? i don’t cook often

what 3 people living or dead would you want to make dinner for? i can’t cook so gordon ramsey, guy fieri, and my mom. their reactions would be hilarious in different ways

what’s your biggest fear in life? abandonment but i should just learn to expect it at this point !!

window or aisle seat? window

what’s your current tv obsession? i’m between shows at the moment so i’m rewatching she ra

favorite app? minimaList is an app i’ve used since early high school, it’s a to-do list that has a built in pomodoro timer and it’s the best thing in the world.

secret talent? not sleeping for days! that’s a joke i really should work on that... i can also move my ring finger on my right hand in a way that’s hard to describe unless you see it in person.

most adventurous thing you’ve ever done in your life? i’ve hiked all sorts of ~dangerous~ places

how would you define yourself in three words? pensive, quiet, loyal

favorite piece of clothing you own? my mom’s high school track hoodie fits me perfectly and i wear it all the time. i’m wearing it now

a must have clothing item that everyone should have? a denim jacket or white sneakers

a superpower you would want? weirdly specific but i’d want to read personalities, like myers-briggs types or enneagram, upon meeting a person.

what’s inspiring you in life right now? due dates

best piece of advice you’ve received? make one good friend and everything else will fall into place

best advice you’d give your teenage self? they’re too occupied with themselves to be thinking about you

a book everyone should read? the harry potter series

what would you like to be remembered for? kindness/loyalty

how do you define beauty? outer beauty is somewhat subjective but confidence and intelligence are two universal marks of beauty for me

what do you love most about your body? i really like my legs!

best way to take a rest/decompress? do something familiar, like journaling or taking a shower or washing dishes

favorite place to view art? museums are some of my favorite places on the planet

if your life was a song, what would the title be? no idea. oh wait, that could actually be one

if you could master one instrument, what would it be? i used to play the piano as a kid and i was seen as some kind of prodigy because of my good ear but now i can barely play it, so i’d want to get back into that

if you had a tattoo, where would it be? behind my ear

dolphins or koalas? koalas

what’s your spirit animal? a cat, 100%

best gift you’ve ever received? this is stupid but my brother got me a talking kylo ren thingy for christmas in 2015, not knowing he was further fueling my future obsession with ben solo. to this day it’s one of my favorite useless possessions

best gift you’ve given? honestly anything i give my littlest brother because every time i give him a gift he acts like it’s the best thing he’s ever seen (he’s 11)

what’s your favorite board game? CLUE!!!

what’s your favorite color? lilac, periwinkle, or red

least favorite color? orange

diamond or pearls? diamonds

drugstore makeup or designer? drugstore makeup

blow-dry or air-dry? air-dry

pilates or yoga? yoga

coffee or tea? i go through phases, so both!

what’s the weirdest word in the english language? milk. just, think about it. milk. what the heck is that. read it some more. milk. milk. milk.

dark chocolate or milk chocolate? dark

stairs or elevators? stairs

summer or winter? winter!!!

you are stuck on an island, you can pick one food to eat forever without getting tired of it, what would you eat? chipotle burrito bowl

a dessert you don’t like? creme brulee

a skill you’re working on mastering? i’m working on getting better at drawing

best thing to happen to you today? i got to facetime my grandparents just a few minutes ago! i was so relieved to hear they’re doing well and nobody has covid in their nursing home :)

worst thing to happen to you today? i can’t move because of period cramps :)))))))))))

best compliment you’ve ever received? the most common compliment i get (and honestly my favorite) is that i’m a calming person to be around and very trustworthy

favorite smell? lavender, dirt (especially after rain), espresso grounds

hugs or kisses? hugs hugs hugs

if you made a documentary, would it be about? personality types, or maybe differences between modern cultures, or maybe medieval castles

last piece of content you consumed that made you cry? i recently watched an adam driver interview from 2017 and since i’m on my period and it’s sad ben solo hours, i cried

lipstick or lipgloss? lipgloss

sweet or savory? both

girl crush? zendaya and florence pugh

how do you know you’re in love? i’ve never been in romantic love before, but i can tell i love someone when i feel comfortable enough around them to be myself and talk about my problems

a song you can listen to on repeat? there’s one piece of classical music that i could listen to FOREVER and it WILL be playing at my funeral: albinoni’s adagio in G minor (with organ along with the other strings tho)

if you could switch lives with someone for a day, who would it be? i wouldn’t switch lives with anyone but if i could be something else for a day i’d be a voice actor or maybe a hermit living in the middle of nowhere centuries ago

what are you most excited for about this time in your life? graduating high school and starting university! i’m more nervously excited but still...

tagging: @omensgood @acrookedsaint @afterglowacoustic @sunstarkov if you guys want!

#tagged #about me #long post #thank you!!!

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enchantedamusedslightlyconfused · 5 years ago

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73 questions.

I was tagged by @wescoasts @machine-gun-casie (BABES)

Almost all my friends have been tagged and I don't wanna be that asshole so ill try not to be. I tag @awkwardrocker @backoftheroomandnotbelonging @trixiehoe @she-who-is-timey-wimey

On a scale of 1-10, how excited are you about life right now?

Well it’s finals week so about -864. After that I have two weeks of legitimate nothing where I will bake my heart out so we’ll see

Describe yourself in a hashtag?

#yikes #ughshesinherfeelsagain

If you could do a love scene with anyone, who would it be?

Milo Ventimiglia, Kells, Rook.....being a music video love interest is only my life’s pipe dream

If your life was a musical, what would the marquee say?

And that’s on daddy issues and no supervision...

What’s one thing people don’t know about you?

I used to model like went to modeling school and got paid for it type shit

What’s your wakeup ritual?

get woken up by my dog tired of hearing my alarm, walk said opinionated quadruped, feed quadruped, get dressed, COFFEE, then take life as it comes

What’s your go to bed ritual?

melatonin gummies (gotta make anxiety fun), skincare when executive dysfunction will allow, brush teeth, fight dog for my spot in bed (moving a 90lb animal is no joke), turn on my sleep playlist or use my ambient noise app, stare at ceiling

What’s your favorite time of day?

witching hour followed by golden hour

Your go to for having a good laugh?

lately tiktok and Kellyvisions, previously vine compilations or Netflix specials

Dream country to visit?

Ireland. I NEED to go to the motherland. My families castle is still standing and I get in for free. its on my bucket list FOR SURE.

What’s the biggest surprise you’ve had?

getting into nursing school and chiropractic school. I’m a loser and I’ve never had a surprise party. I’d melt in puddle of love tbh

Heels or flats/sneakers?

Flats 98% of the time. Heels are reserved for business casual necessity, Halloween, or if I’m feeling myself

Vintage or new?

both, depends on the item

Who do you want to write your obituary?

Amy-Sherman Palladino

Style icon?

lmao a what? on the real though catch me fucking with those eco-friendly kitchen witch vibes. All the dainty jewelry, linens and converse/docks fam

What are three things you can’t live without?

my dog, my family (found and blood), healing people however I can (medicine ruined me for any other career and its sucks you guys)

What’s one ingredient you put in everything?

tbh salt, I question a recipes validity if salt isn't involved

What 3 people living or dead would you like to make dinner for?

Kells and the band (I'd be too nervous for a one on one), a dinner party with my MGK fam, Elvis

What’s your biggest fear in life?

Failure, not accomplishing anything

Window or aisle seat?

window all day everyday, on the wing preferably cause I like to feel the landing gear #pilotsgranddaughter

What’s your current TV obsession?

Roadies forever, pry that series from my cold dead hands (also Gilmore Girls and Criminal Minds)

Favorite app?

tie between Tumblr and Pinterest (im an aesthetic slut)

Secret talent?

I am bomb at disney princess songs, the girls I babysit for treat me like a jukebox at bedtime, cutest thing ever

Most adventurous thing you’ve done in your life?

delivered a baby has hands down been the coolest thing I’ve ever done

How would you define yourself in three words?

I fucking hate this question. always have. empathetic, resilient, intuitive

Favourite piece of clothing you own?

overall: my senior prom dress. its emerald green, backless, with a slit to upper thigh chefs kiss

everyday wear: Colorado sweatshirt

Must have clothing item everyone should have?

I second Jude: over sized hoodies

Superpower you would want?

nonspecific healing powers so they aren't limited to physical ailments

What’s inspiring you in life right now?

Colson

Best piece of advice you’ve received?

HA. probably that the body remembers more about trauma than the mind and your seemingly irrational physical reactions to things are your brain’s attempt to protect you

Best advice you’d give your teenage self?

his mistake does not define your worth. I went for a variant of these boys aint shit don't judge me cause she needs to hear it

A book that everyone should read?

Harry Potter series (yes the whole thing), Speak by Laurie Halse Anderson, Wintergirls by Laurie Halse Anderson, The Giver by Lois Lowry

What would you like to be remembered for?

empathy, the way I made people feel

How do you define beauty?

FOR THE LAST TIME ITS SUBJECTIVE, things that give you peace, it could be a song, a person, a sunset, a scone, a leaf. If it makes you stop a second and exhale then its beautiful to you

What do you love most about your body?

holy trigger question Batman...my eyes, my hair color, texture, and its ability to grow

Best way to take a rest/decompress?

drive with the windows down and blast music while singing at the top of my lungs

Favorite place to view art?

unexpected places, like street corners, carnivals, just somewhere it takes you off guard and makes you stop and pay attention

If your life were a song, what would the title be?

it’d be one of those crazy long 2000s fall out boy titles for sure, subject matter yet to be determined

If you could master one instrument, what would it be?

violin hands down, it hits me different

If you had a tattoo, where would it be?

I have a bunch planned, plane on my right shoulder, Kells related between 3rd and 4th ribs (maybe lower in case I ever need a chest tube), watercolor portrait of my dog at some point location TBD

Dolphins or koalas?

dolphins are stoners and they're super smart, but koalas cause they’re grumpy af and honestly same

What’s your spirit animal?

again Jude and I are vibin: I've been identifying with a phoenix as of late. according to pottermore im a greyhound though (yes a patrons is a wizarding spirit animal. fight me)

Best gift you’ve ever received?

seven year old me was stoked to get a functional microscope and metal detector, I was in my egyptology/archeology phase, I still have them lmao

Best gift you’ve ever given?

oh hell idk...I made my cousin cry once cause I made cupcakes for her birthday party, they were cherry limeade flavored and had little straws and everything. that was pretty cool, granted she was seven. I also made my teacher cry cause I made sea salt caramel chocolate cupcakes for her going away party. I guess my baking brings people to tears

What’s your favourite board game?

candy land, battleship, cards against humanity even though there isn't a board

What’s your favourite colour?

forest green atm

Least favourite colour?

bright yellow/orange, its offensive to my general The Dirt Mick Mars disposition

Diamonds or pearls?

pearls (actually opals though)

Drugstore makeup or designer?

not picky provided they are evironmentally friendly. I really like Besame Cosmetics though

Blow-dry or air-dry?

air-dry, I don't have the patience for blow drying

Pilates or yoga?

yoga

Coffee or tea?

COFFEE, im still learning to like tea

What’s the weirdest word in the English language?

holy shit how much time do we have, my favorite weird word to say is fistula or omphalocele (they're medical conditions, don't goole it unless you have a strong stomach)

Dark chocolate or milk chocolate?

dark chocolate

Stairs or elevator?

stairs

Summer or winter?

neither FALL BITCHES winter if I had to pick cause I love Christmas

You are stuck on an island, you can pick one food to eat forever without getting tired of it, what would you eat?

burgers

A desert you don’t like?

red velvet cake....just why is it a thing that exists

A skill you’re working on mastering?

baking scones or shit that’s flaky in general

Best thing to happen to you today?

being tagged to do this twice, I felt special for a hot second (thanks babes)

Best compliment you’ve ever received?

that I would make a good doctor (I handled a scary pt situation like a champ, they didn't know I threw up after I made sure my pt didn't die. puking in a foreign country on the download is a skill in and of itself)

Favorite smell?

bergamot, baking bread, baking spice cakes at Christmas

Hugs or kisses?

HUGS CAN SAVE THE WORLD

If you made a documentary, what would it be about?

gifted kid fall off

Last piece of content you consumed that made you cry?

In These Walls - Machine Gun Kelly

Casual Sabotage - Yungblud

genius assholes...

Lipstick or lip gloss?

lipstick for special occasions but actually tinted chapstick or lip stains

Sweet or savoury?

savory to eat sweet to make for someone else

Girl crush?

Brittney Furlan Lee, Alexis Bledel, Lauren Graham

How you know you’re in love?

you look at them and just say yep. them. usually while they're doing something stupid

Song you can listen to on repeat?

imma out myself but Swing Life Away - Machine Gun Kelly

If you could switch lives with someone for a day who would it be?

the grass is not greener ya’ll. id rather go back and relive days

What are you most excited about at this time in your life?

hopefully passing my first trimester of chiropractic school. fingers crossed pls

#quarantine games #don't come for me people #if you identify with this stuff hit me up #I can always use more quarantine buddies #love and good vibes to you all

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chierafied · 6 years ago

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Her favourite customer

Modern AU, First Meeting.

In which Lily has a summer job and James is out on a summer holiday with his mates.

Originally I also wanted to include their date, but it took ages to write this much so I would have never got this one shot done on time. :/

Inspiration drawn both from that road trip we once did to Swanage and Poole and from that retro cafe I visited with a friend in Camden in London.

It was a perfect summer’s day, the kind on which everyone flocked to the beach. Lily would have loved to join that crowd – there hadn’t been any beaches in Cokeworth and no summer trips to the coast either for the Evans family.

Out from the window, Lily could actually see the ocean glimmering in the sunlight. Even after a week, the sight made her heart soar with giddy excitement.

At 20 years old, Lily Evans was finally spending her summer on the Dorset coast.

The only downside?

She wasn’t on a holiday.

Wrenching her gaze from the window, Lily turned to the approaching customer and summoned a serviceable smile.

“Good day, how can I help you?”

Of course, working all summer wasn’t all bad.

For one – and the most obvious thing – the money would be very welcome. The tuition wasn’t exactly cheap.

Another point in favour of Lily’s summer job was its scenic location right on the quay. Lily wouldn’t get tired at looking at the sea any time soon.

And then there was the job itself. It was in an ice cream parlour that was decorated in a retro 50’s style. It was a lovely shop and Lily felt fully at home.

It also helped that she was friends with one of the managers: Mary MacDonald, Lily’s friend from uni had helped her get the job and had invited Lily to stay with her family in Dorset for the holiday.

All things considered, Lily was sure she would have a great summer in store, even if she wouldn’t be able to go out to the beach on days like this.

Soon enough, she was proven right.

Lily was clearing and wiping down tables, her back to the door when the bell chimed.

The four of them entered in a burst of laughter, carrying that type of loud easy conversation groups of young men often seemed to engage in; full of taking the mickey out of one another.

Lily straightened herself and turned, the smile already in place – but the corners of her lips twitched as she saw them all crowding the doorway, stopped in their tracks and craning their heads.

The guy with a man-bun and tattooed arm let out an appreciate whistle. The short, plump guy just stared, his watery eyes wide. The guy with glasses and hair that somehow managed to simultaneously be messy and stylish, was craning his head as he looked around. The guy in the lead, with sandy-brown hair and a complexion even paler than Lily’s, was looking very smug.

Their eyes met, and Lily realised he looked familiar just a moment before he turned to smile at his friends.

“I told you this place was great. Pete can get his milkshake, Sirius can get his coffee, and we can enjoy our respective drinks and snacks in style.”

Lily noticed that the messy-haired guy was now looking directly at her and flashed her smile again.

“Welcome,” she told him and the other new customers. She picked up the dishes and took them into the kitchen.

When she returned, the four blokes were up on the counter, the familiar-looking sandy-haired one giving his order (chocolate chip and mint) to Mary.

Lily stepped up to help, smiling to the other guys in the group that were queueing up.

“What can I get you?” she asked.

The plump one scrutinised the board behind the counter with a studious frown, before settling on the Manhattan Milkshake.

“Coming right up!” Lily promised, then started working the machine.

The weight of a lingering gaze made the spot between her shoulder blades tingle, but Lily ignored that.

She set the finished Milkshake on the counter before her customer and gave him his change for a tenner.

The messy-haired guy was next, lingering over the display of the various ice cream flavours.

Lily discreetly admired his jawline and stifled a giggle when the guy had to clear his throat before placing his order.

The tips of his ears had flushed pink.

It was adorable.

And when he finally did meet her gaze, Lily noticed his eyes were hazel.

She dutifully scooped up the flavours he’d ordered and offered him the ice cream bowl with a smile.

He thanked her, paid for the treat and went to join his friends at a window table.

Mary immediately shuffled closer to Lily and nudged at her ribs.

“Now there’s a group of fit guys,” she whispered to Lily.

Lily bit her lip to quiet a bubble of laughter but nodded her agreement.

They were fit, but more importantly, they were fun.

As they enjoyed their coffee, ice cream and milkshake, bits and pieces of their conversation floated back to Lily. She knew she should not eavesdrop, but her ears strained to catch more of their joking chatter.

With them talking and laughing over at the window table, the whole shop seemed that much livelier and the smile that stayed on Lily’s lips was genuine.

She was still smiling as she picked up the dishes from the table the guys had occupied. They had chimed loud thank yous when they had made their way towards the door, the short plump one even waving to Lily and Mary as they left.

They were back the next day, and the day after that and again the day after that. Every time the guys came in, their presence brightened up the whole place.

Mary and Lily both couldn’t help sneaking glances at the table by the window that was becoming their regular spot. Both of them also got into a habit of chatting, joking and laughing with the guys as they took and filled their orders.

Lily noticed that the guy with the glasses always seemed to fidget; running his hand through his hair. She wondered if he was nervous or simply had trouble deciding which flavour he’d want – so far he’d been trying out a new one every day.

And then, roughly a week later, the guy with the glasses and the mussed up hair came to the store alone.

The bell chimed its familiar welcome when James stepped into the ice cream parlour. He squeezed his hand into a fist; his fingers had been trembling as he’d pushed open the door and now they were itching to jump to muss his hair.

The moment he saw the red-haired girl behind the counter, he was flooded with relief while his stomach threw a couple of anxious somersaults.

The girl looked up and smiled as she saw him – and James’ heart skittered madly.

Yup, he really fancied this one. Probably more than he’d fancied any girl in his life.

James walked over to the counter, glad that he’d decided to try again after his earlier failed attempt.

“Hullo,” the girl greeted. “No friends with you today?”

“No, just me,” he replied and managed a grin that was felt only a little twitchy.

“Know what you’re gonna try today?”

“I’ll know soon enough,” James said, pausing before the selection of flavours. He contemplated them for a while, flushing when he felt the weight of her gaze on him.

He looked up and met her eyes. They were such a brilliant green they took his breath away.

James cleared his throat. “I think I’ll go with a scoop of butterscotch.”

She flashed him a quick smile in reply. “Coming right up!”

James waited while she scooped up the ice cream. She was wearing a 50’s inspired dress today. The kind with a small waist and a flaring skirt.

James didn’t know much about dresses, but he liked that she dressed the part, going along with the retro 50’s theme of the ice cream parlour.

And he definitely appreciated the way the dress sat on the curves of her body.

“Here you go, one scoop of Butterscotch!”

She set the bowl before him on the counter.

James had to swallow to wet his throat before he could thank her.

He handed her a fiver and told her to keep a change.

Then, instead of heading to the table he usually occupied with his friends, he chose one of the barstools propped by the end of the counter.

The girl raised her eyebrow when he sat down, but didn’t offer any comment.

James sat there for a moment, sampling his ice cream and gathering the courage to talk to her.

In the end, she beat him to it – which was both a relief and cause for frustration.

“So…” the girl drawled, leaning against the counter, “what’s the verdict?”

James looked up. “I like it. It’s sweet but not too sweet.”

“Glad to hear.”

“Then again, I’ve liked every flavour I’ve tried so far.” James shrugged. “Can’t really go wrong with ice cream, in my opinion.”

She grinned.

James’ breath caught and he nearly choked on his ice cream.

She turned her attention to a newly arrived customer and James fought down the errant flutters.

When the new customer had gone to their table with the ice cream, James took the plunge.

“I’m James, by the way.”

“Nice to meet you, James. I’m Lily.”

“The pleasure’s all mine,” he told her.

The corners of Lily’s lips twitched. “Is it now?”

“Definitely,” James said and grinned.

“Well then.”

A short silence followed and James ignored his melting ice cream as he scrambled for something else to say. What had he planned to ask again? Oh, right.

“So, my friends and I are here on a holiday. Any recommendations for things to do or places to see?”

“Sorry, I’m not much help with that,” Lily replied with a grimace. “I’ve only been here three weeks myself and I haven’t got to explore much yet because I’m working on most days. You should ask Mary, though, she’s a local.”

James saw an opening. He hesitated only a fraction of a second before he dived into it.

“Or,” he said, trying to sound casual, “you could come to explore with me sometime when you’re free.”

She was smiling now, her eyebrows raised. “Could I?”

“Yes.” James cleared his throat. “I’d like it very much if you did.”

The silence lasted an eternity as James teetered on the treacherous edge of hope.

“I think I’d like that, too.”

Lily’s green eyes lit up with her smile and James’ heart swelled and soared.

#jily summer fest #jily #jily fanfiction #James Potter #Lily Evans #chie writes #fic: JL

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site-specific-vada-baldwin · 4 years ago

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Presentation Prep

I wrote a script and pre recorded my presentation which was useful since I had a lot of video and digital work to show. this also helped me be able to say what I wanted to in the presentation.

So I wanted to do write design because I didn’t really know what it was and I wanted to try a different style of designing, in order to widen my understanding of the design process and designer/director/writer collaboration. I also liked the idea of working with an existing site and developing a performance that is unique to that space. Taking theatre out of its traditional space was also an exciting prospect because it makes theatre accessible to a wider range of people. I also wanted to improve my model making skills and really get to grips with working digitally. In my manifesto that I wrote at the begging they key point for me was to get the right balance between the site itself and the design I produce, making sure not to over power the site I was working with.

Why bca

I chose the bare chested adventurer for a few reasons. when we visited the site with Bridget, the way she described the text was really clear to me and it felt exciting to focus in on this small section of life that one existed in this house. I loved the idea of the houses physical state being reflective of the emotional deterioration of the characters inhabiting it ad the idea that the house itself was a character. I really wanted to find an interesting way of giving the house a voice and a presence. As you can see from the pictures of the site, it has so much to offer allready and I felt o could really get stuck into making the piece specific to the site.

Process

So the process has been different to other design projects, with agog research and developmennt of ideas. I liked going back to my research throughout the process. I began with ideas of puppetry and making the house a character and it having this almost malevolent hold on the people that live there. initially I was researching the themes of drug use and how that impacted the characters emotional statee, I then got too caught up in this, taking a completely different route, looking at video mapping and the function of the brain, but when I took a step back, I revisited my original ideas which helped me gain focus again. Niro board was really useful for me because I had all my ideas on one page and I could easily see them together. This helped me decide which design elements worked together.so I ran with the main focus of bringing the ouse to life. I found a poem by Robert cording which reads “ I have come to love slowly how old houses hold themselves” this sparked ideas of the house being a person or even multiple people and I asked myself lots of questions about how they would interact with the charactersannd if they should speak, but after discussions with Bridget we decided it would be more effective for the house to be alive in a more subtle way. this ultimately worked better wit my other ideas for the actual visual design.

So my initial inspiration for this was

this image. It got me thinking of having the scenes around the house like a museum of this familys history. This idea let itself well to the scenes and movie the audience around the space, making the most of the site.

Image 2. This image of scaffolding inside a building was the second key image for me. having the inside and outside come together since the house is already over grown with nature stood out to me. Because Scaffolding is ususlly seen on the outside of buildings, having it on the inside really empasises the feeling of unease I was looking to create in the performance and it also helps demonstrate that this family is broken and needs to be supported.

I then went on to researching magical realism. I watched pans labryth and realised that the design of it and the themes (particularly the feeling of hopelessness and a battle with a negative force ) was something I wanted for my performance. I then went onto watch the shining as the design is intended to be off putting which helped me discover ways of making my audience feel as unsettled as Laura does in this house.

Combining the framed scenes with a more magical element of puppetry and movement would really emphasise the power the house has on the characters which is why Seth finds it hard to leave so I began to find ways of realising this.

The way I imagine bringing the house to life would be using practical elements that are of the house which would create a kinetic space. I would do this in the performance buy having ivy reaching out towards Seth as if the house it trying to keep him there, having dust falling when Gillian gets angry, having water run down walls when a tap is turned on, leaves falling over the characters, rubbish rustling in a corner, and wallpaper peeling off the wall. Id also use sounds that again are like echos of the people who once lived here, maybe a phone ringing unanswered ,footsteps or a doorbell Lucy suggested I show my ideas of puppetry and movement and the house being alive in this way through a film, but I realised it was quite difficult to get this across so the film gives more an impression of the family history in the piece with some of those practical elements.

Play film.

The idea with costume was that each character looked as if they were consumed by the house in varying degrees.

So first we have Gillian, the grandma, she has simple clothes with Layers of fabric that represent all the history built up around her.She is weighed down by her life ad she is now blending Ito the walls with the graffiti, she has lost most of her identity but her sparkly shawl and She wears a cat broach which was inspired by the cat she kills in the original story show that the woman she one was was a little glamorous. and an awful 70s fur rug sits at her feet hi lighting how sort of grim she has become.

Next is Keith, yes he is still very much of the house but he has more of himself present, he has rock climbing equippment suggestive of his adventurous days. The yellow tie around his head suggests he is a bit of a joke to other people, his mad busies ideas ever work. His shorts blend into the graffiti and dirt of the house, he has spray pain on his arms and legs he doesn’t bother to remove when he paints. He wears a surfing brand t-shirt from the 70s when he bought it as a younger adventurer he wears it with his watch to time the waves but he no longer surfs.

He also has a dressing gown that is almost like a beech towel that he would remove during the performance.

Next is Seth, he sits looking sad and worn down, his clothes are stained and imprinted with some graffiti but he is less consumed by the house than Keith, he watns to leave , the grey and blue of his clothes are quite dull and come from the house . The stripes on his shirt are the. Colours of Lauras clothes so that he mirrors her a little, showing he wants to leave and be with her but he can’t

And last we have Laura, she doesn’t blend into the house at al, she is quite normal, she has dirty white trainers from the site to show she dosnt belong there.

Its summer so she has shorts but its Wales so a huge jumper, her clothes. Odd socks because o one is perfect.

Render 1

Here is how I imagine the main room of the house would look. The audience has been lead to this point by Laura, listing to words of the text and sounds of the house and they enter the house, this is where we meet. Seth sitting on the scaffolding that is suggestive of a bedroom, ivy reaches out to him, It has probably collected there as he spends a lot of time here and the house is constantly reaching out to him through this use of ivy. the scaffolding is old, over grown and was probably one of keiths failed attempts to fix the house many years ago. Seth would sit not playing his cello probably looking out of his window at the sea

Model

The next moment I chose to focus on is the kitchen scene between Seth and his dad Keith. They talk and make fritters. I wanted the scene to be in this room of the house because it is a bridge between Keith and Seths spaces, a place they can meet in the middle and the audience can observe this from the end of the kitchen.

I wanted to use the site as it is and build onto of it in order to give an impression of what the house would have been like Almost like the past and present merging together to create a feeling of the characters being ghosts in their own house

My aim with the design was to further the feeling of ueasemin subtle ways much like I the shining. There is a 4 seater table but only 2 chairs in the kitchen, the other chairs are placed randomly else where in the site, to suggest that Andrea the mother left years ago. Because of this the design of the kitchen would be outdated for the time. This late 90s early 200-s house has a dated 80s carpet in the kitchen which isn’t practical and to an audience today this would be more rare, the ugly marble pink tiles which were taken from a tile I found at the site would also look. Very 80s. They almost grow. Out from the corner suggesting there would have been a full room of them. I chose the outdated AGA cooker that would be common in a farmhouse is rusty.

Graffiti on the walls and furniture that Keith has done himself read smoke and worlds best fritters.. rubbish piles in the corner, pizza boxes, beer bottle and banana peels and a rusty sink hangs off the wall.

The carpet is also becoming a part of the earth and the vines are taking over the walls. This is actually less over grown than the site itself.

I also wanted to mention that I made one of my walls with mount board and no foam board to see how I could use it to make designing more sustainable and it was really useful to do, I think ill use it again.

Image 3. This image was the inspiration for my next and final moment. When I saw this image it was exactly how I pictured the end of the performance. Keith and Seth sitting among their rubbish and old belongings which Seth removed from the house having one last Sesh leaving the audience wondering if they will actually change their ways or if they will carry on as before. The house looks inviting, drawing Seth back in, Keith is a part of the house, also tempting him to to go. This image for me was one that was clear from the beginning and really helped guide the rest of my design.

Reflect

So at the beginning I said I wanted to improve my model making and digital skills which I think I have, im really happy with my costumes. I also thing I got the balance of site and design right. My film didn’t really communicate what I wanted it to but it was helpful for me to realise the difficulty in communicating movement in a design and actually that id need to consider how this movement would be realised in the show.

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aviewthroughtheclouds-blog · 7 years ago

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deciding to go into debt (let’s talk college)

Let me preface this entire post by saying I’m going to be a freshman in the upcoming fall!!! I am no way an expert of any sort, but I’m just going to talk about my experience so far, my fears, and anything else of my mind.

As a tribute to the fact that in less than one month I’ll be in San Francisco starting my college experience let me tell y’all about my experience with colleges so far

Applying I started working on my college applications during the fall of 2016. It was scary hard-work for me; as a bit of a perfectionist, I wanted every single essay and short answer to grant me admission. I tried to be realistic where I applied, I only scored a 1210 (out of 1600 I think?) on my SAT and a 27 on my ACT, so I knew that I didn’t have any chance at Ivys, not that they interested me much anyways. I had good grades, great extracurriculars - I’m very proud of my resume and the things I do - and I focused largely on two school choices. Reed College (Portland,OR) and Tulane (New Orleans,LA). I’ve known I wanted to go out of state for school and wanted to join a dance program with a college that wasn’t audition based. Fast forward a bit, I really had my heart set on those two schools, but didn’t get into Tulane and was wait listed at Reed. Buuuuut, I applied to University of San Francisco (and a few other schools) early action - so by November - was accepted on Christmas eve, but didn’t fully consider it until I got my financial aid package and looked more into their dance program.

USF (ca) - no, the other USF ^ that’s a joke you’ll understand if you go to university of san fran The irony of my school choice is that when I put down my deposit I honestly had no clue what a perfect choice this school seems for me. I haven’t been on campus yet, but SF is one of my favorite cities (below is a candid photo of my brother and I in front of the Golden Gate Bridge). usfca provides the small school and liberal arts experience I want from college, while being located in a large urban area far, far away from small town, TX. I’m a performing arts and social justice major (PASJ) with a concentration in dance. Basically, this means that while I’m a dance major, it’s less about performance and more about what our art form can do. To quote a good source - my campus website LOL - this is a summary of the program I’m in -> “We care as much about the creative process as the performance... PASJ educates and inspires artist-activists through studio work, community engaged projects, and research seminars that connect academic theory to practice. The content of the choreography, the themes in our theater, the sounds of our music, and the ways we collaborate with community members are how we explore and suggest new approaches to the important civic issues of our time” San Francisco is also the second largest dance community in the US, which is SO COOL and super important to me for job opportunities. I decided I could major in dance if I was living somewhere that can actually have the opportunity to facilitate moving into a career, and I feel like I do! I’m also really pumped that I get to start working on classes that go towards my major starting in the fall of my freshman year (YAY)!!!! I can’t speak much about campus life or dorming or any of that yet because I’m not there, but I can say that coming this fall I’ll be living in a triple (three of us in total in one room) the size of a shed with only two closets... yet somehow I’m really excited LOL. Also, sf is super liberal so that’ll be a breath of fresh air? :-)

Fall Class Load In case you’re curious to what I’ll be taking this fall and so I can see this in twenty years... I’ll be taking 17 hours in the fall in total (see below)

Intermediate Ballet Dance - technique course Beginning Modern Dance - technique course Intro to Ballroom, Latin, and Swing Dance - technique Production & Design - A tech theatre class Dance and Social History - this class is going to warm my heart I’m so hype for it already Rhet 110 - the only university writing course I couldn’t test out of First Year Seminar: The Human Animal - a 16 student class that counts for my philosophy credit that includes excursions into the city and *insert other university sponsored propaganda here*... Basically the class is supposed to be about the philosophy about animal ethics, what makes humans humans and not animals, where do we draw the distinction, all of that good stuff :-)

Money A large part of my motivation for choosing usf has been the financial aid package I’ve received. Maybe it sounds stupid, but with how much money my school offered me they really made me feel wanted, like I’d be valued on the campus? My pride and ego being set aside I did receive the largest financial aid offer from usf than from any other school, and while talking about money can be weird, here’s the sich... In total for my tuition, room, and board usf is estimated at $58,600 a year, which is pretty standard for a private school. In my first financial aid offer which I received in feb I think, I was awarded $48,900 a year!!! I got the Dean’s honor scholarship, which is $22,000 a year and a grant for $17,000. The rest is made up of federal loans with work study allocation up to $4,200 a year. This was an incredible offer and I actual started crying when I opened the envelope and read it. I’ve known for a while that I was going to take out loans for college, because it’s an investment in myself and my future, but this honestly helped take some of the pressure off. In May, I appealed my financial aid offer - not because I wasn’t grateful for all this school has decided to invest me in - but because of the whole mess of parent financial situation. My appeal was approved (HELL YEAH!!) and I actually ended up receiving an extra $3,000 in grant money a year. So taking out my first loan the other day totally sucked and I got a 9.85% interest rate, but it ends up that I’m only paying $9,016 a year - and that’s with an extra $500 each semester to cover expenses.

My Fears If for some ungodly reason anyone but me is still reading this, my “fears” about college largely boils down to one thing. If I fail, it’s my fault. And maybe this sounds stupid, but I’m most afraid of failing myself. There’s no one else to blame but me if I can’t make it happen. I take responsibility for my failure or success or somewhere in between. I don’t have a fallback option - I can’t just run home. If I do fail, I’m the one who’s going to figure out how to get back on my feet and find my next move. So maybe in a nut shell, I guess I’m afraid of not having a safety net - which is a large part of adulthood. Maybe I’m afraid of the initial idea of adulting...

BUT I’m not planning on letting my (main) fear stop me from going, because that would be stupid. It’s time to grow the hell up and join the adult world whether I like it or not LOL.

Parting Thoughts Harold Whitman once wrote: “Don’t ask yourself what the world needs; ask yourself what makes you come alive. And then go and do that. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.” Turning my dream of going to college and pursuing what I love into a reality less than a month makes my heart beat with excitement. No matter what happens, I’m going to figure it out along the way and hopefully have some fun doing it. :-)

Thank y’all for reading!!! This felt so good to write. Below is a picture of my brother and I the first time we visited SF (I was 14 oh god) :-)

#usfca #college #text post #about me #personal blog #for all the seniors worried it'll work out #financial aid #college decision #san francisco #dance major #pasj

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jonasmaurer · 5 years ago

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73 questions

Hey friends! Happy Thursday! Hope you’re enjoying the week.

It’s been a fun and crazy one over here. The girls have had half-day camps, Liv auditioned for dance team, the Pilot has been flying nights, and madre’s birthday was on Tuesday! We got together for a *small* family dinner (we joke that we’re just a small party of 28), and ate Mexican food, cake, and sang “Happy Birthday” to the amazing lady who gives so much to everyone in our family.

My fave picture from the night!

(The cake was from Whole Foods bakery and so so good.)

Workout-wise, I’ve crushed every day this week. Sunday, we filmed Summer Shape Up videos (the party starts June 24)! Monday, I hopped on the Peloton bike for a 30-minute ride, Tuesday was barre, Wednesday was a BODYATTACK class On Demand (my link is good for 21 days FREE of the amazing Les Mills workouts), and today and tomorrow are off since I’m traveling to Chicago for a blog trip. I’m looking forward to catching up with Anne and Julie, and meeting some new blogger friends. I’ll be sure to share some of the adventures on IG stories!

I originally planned to post this one while we were on our cruise, but since internet was a bit sketchy – and I blasted through the ship’s plan in a mere 24 hours – I didn’t get the chance to get this one published. I originally saw this survey on my friend Ashley’s blog, and then Julie’s. I loved reading their answers so much, so I thought I’d join in the survey fun.

1. What’s the best thing that happened to you this month? Taking a Disney Cruise with the fam!

2. What’s your favorite game? We don’t usually play board games at home, but our favorite games is a hide and seek and tag hybrid. I hide, the girls try to find me, I jump out and go “AHHH!” and they scream, I chase them around until I tag them, and then they hide.

3. When are you most inspired? Mid-morning, usually after I’ve had breakfast and survived the school drop-off.

4. If you could teach one subject in school what would it be? Math

5. What’s your favorite beverage? LaCroix

6. What’s the best compliment you’ve ever received? A friend from the gym sent a text message while the Pilot was deployed and basically gave me a pep talk. She said she was proud of me for doing so well with work stuff and solo parenting. It was very unexpected and really made my whole month. It was a great reminder to let other people know when I’m inspired by them or think they’re crushing it.

7. What is your favorite birthday cake? Yellow cake with chocolate buttercream

(That was my bday cake last year!)

8. What is one thing you still have from your childhood? A photo album that my mom made for me when I was 4 and we’d taken a trip to California. I was with all of my aunties, my parents were still married, and my uncle was still alive. Our dog chewed around the edges of it when I was younger, and the small plastic photo album contains quite a few happy memories from being a kid.

9. What is your favorite movie? Love, Actually

10. What is something you can’t do? Play the flute even though I faked it for an entire year in 5th grade. I could do all of the finger work, but no sound would come out. So I just pursed my lips and acted like I knew what I was doing.

11. Window or aisle seat? Aisle so I can get up a thousand times if I feel like it.

12. What makes you laugh no matter what? P makes the most ridiculous faces that make me laugh every day. We get a kick out of zooming in on photos that she’s in, because you never know what you’re going to get.

13. What does creativity mean to you? Free from any perceived restraints or judgments.

14. What are your favorite lyrics of all time? “Look around, look around, how lucky we are to be alive right now.” I don’t think I’ll ever get sick of Hamilton.

Or hanging out with Betsy

15. What is your favorite holiday? Thanksgiving

16. What’s heavily played on your music playlist right now? “Far Too Good” by John Smith.

17. If you could raid one woman’s closet who would it be? My friend Annie’s! Whenever she posts Instagram posts, I want her outfit and her shoes

18. Must have purse item? Color Intense lipstick in at least 3 shades

19. What did you want to be when you grew up when you were 12? On Broadway

20. What is something you will not be doing in ten years? Wondering where the heck we’ll be living in a couple of years. It’s so crazy to be able to know and plan where we want to live.

21. What is an important life lesson for someone to learn? Your gut instinct is always right.

22. How do you start your day? Scrolling through my phone with one eye closed.

23. Would you ever live anywhere besides Tucson? Yes! We’d love to make it back to San Diego one day but love being in Tucson for now.

24. What is your favorite dessert? Anything super chocolaty.

25. Is there a dessert you don’t like? Creme brûlée is gross.

26. It’s brunch! What do you eat? Eggs, breakfast potatoes, turkey sausage, and a mimosa because brunch without cocktails is just a sad breakfast. <— words of wisdom from Prep & Pastry

27. Where was the best vacation you’ve ever taken? Positano

28. Favorite Disney animal? Stitch

29. What is a book you are planning on reading? “Educated” is downloaded on my Kindle but I haven’t started it yet

30. What did you read most recently? “Where the Crawdads Sing” and loooooved it

31. Favorite solo artist? Michael Bublé for life

32. What is something you’re tired of? The Instagram algorithm. They want to turn it into a “pay to play” platform, which was the downfall of Facebook

33. What’s a city you wish to visit? Paris

34. Heels or flats? Wedges

35. Where does one go on a perfect road trip? To Sedona. It’s just an easy drive from us and has an incredible energy.

36. What do you do on a rainy day? Try to find indoor activities to entertain the kiddos! We’ll do art, visit a museum, go rock climbing, or see a movie

37. What’s your favorite exercise? Spin, barre and BODYPUMP are tied

38. What was your worst subject in school? English which is a hilarious thing since I write a blog for a living

39. What is your spirit animal? An otter. I want to spend the day in the pool, floating on my back, eating salad

40. What do you usually eat for breakfast? A giant egg patty and either oatmeal with almond butter or a brown rice tortilla

41. What do you usually eat for dinner? We change it up every night but some classics are salmon, sweet potato and salad, Harney Cobbs, or sushi roll bowls

42. Cooking or Baking? Both!

43. Favorite baked good? Cookie dough on the bottom, Oreo’s in the middle, and brownies on top

44. What is something you wish you could be good at? Organizing photos on my laptop. It’s a hot mess

45. Skiing or Surfing? Paddle boarding

46. First celebrity crush? JTT — Jonathan Taylor Thomas — I became a vegetarian for him when I was 8

47. Most recent celebrity crush? Aaron Tveit. I love his voice!

48. What color was your prom dress? Junior year it was bright pink and senior year it was light purple and silver

49. How do you manage stress? Try to do the most challenging/inconvenient item on my to-do list first

50. What do you do to relax? Read or cook

51. Age when you were first kissed? 12

52. Place you were first kissed? Playing “spin the bottle” after musical theatre class

53. Favorite fashion trend of all time? Low-top sneakers with dresses

54. Best fashion advice you’ve ever received? If you have to convince yourself that you like it, you’ll never wear it, so don’t buy it

55. What is your current favorite piece of clothing that you own? These embellished sandals. I wear them all the time and am constantly asked where I bought them

56. Shoes or Bags? Bags! I love a good crossbody

57. How do you know if you’re in love? When you know, you know

58. Television show you’ve binged on recently? The Bachelorette! We’re almost caught up for the season

59. Who do you turn to when you’re sad? My mom – she always knows exactly what to say to make me feel better

60. Leather or lace? Lace

61. Vintage or new? New

62. What is your Kryptonite? Chocolate or guacamole

63. What are you most enchanted by? Surface level: Moms on social media who have 18 children, homeschool, are all matching in neutral clothing with zero stains, and elaborate mermaid braids in their hair. Deeper: I’m beyond enchanted with Liv and P. They surprise me, make me laugh, and make my heart explode every single day. I often find myself wondering how they’re so darn amazing?

64. What is your biggest strength? Hustle

65. What is your biggest weakness? Stressing over all of the details

66. What are 3 words to describe living in Tucson? Picturesque. Hot. Eccentric.

67. Cutest thing on planet earth? Baby koalas

68. Favorite color? Peach

69. Best first date idea? Something active, like a low-key hike, followed by dinner and drinks

70. Favorite time of day? Late.. probably around 9 or 10pm. I enjoy the quiet and downtime

71. What do you first notice about someone when you meet them? Their smile

72. What’s your guilty pleasure? Take a jar of almond butter, sprinkle chocolate chips into the jar, scoop out with a spoon

73. Favorite band? I wouldn’t say I’m super into bands at the moment and my music taste is all over the place. Back in high school, I was obsessed with Dashboard Confessional

That was a fun one! I always love surveys because it gives me the chance to get to know you all better.

So, tell me friends:

When are you most inspired?

What’s the best compliment you’ve ever received?

What’s one thing you cannot do?

Cutest thing on planet earth?

What do you do to relax?

Or pick any of the questions above and share your answers below!

Have a lovely day.

xoxo

Gina

The post 73 questions appeared first on The Fitnessista.

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obsidianarchives · 6 years ago

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Have a Biscuit, Professor McGonagall

I am convinced that my second grade teacher, Mrs. Biles, hated me. I hadn’t discovered Hermione Granger yet, but I’m pretty sure that if Mrs. Biles ever read the Harry Potter series, she more than likely put the book down and said “There’s a fictional character just like Kai Mills. An absolute insufferable know-it-all, determined to take on the world.” To that Mrs. Biles, I apologize that you had me at such a time in my life where I hadn’t quite figured out how to use my powers for good. I was a bright young mind (definitely tooting my own horn a bit here) and yet my report cards were filled with things like, “Miss Mills is determined to outshine her classmates,” and “a bright girl, but just a bit reckless,” and “much too talkative for a girl her age.”

As the years went by, that reputation spread. While I had some good teachers (even my own aunt!), I still became known as “the bright yet troublesome child who can’t help herself.”

I still can’t help myself, which is why I became the one thing I never thought I’d become: a teacher.

I had a lot of great teachers, both real and fictional. My first grade teacher, Mrs. Merrit, was the first one to reward me for my academics, which taught me it was okay to be competitive. Meanwhile, Mrs. Frizzle from The Magic School Bus motivated me to not take myself so seriously, to actually enjoy the process of learning, and to make friends. I had the privilege of even having my own aunt teach me U.S. History. While she was Aunt Ann at family functions, she was Mrs. Gaines in the classroom, and she taught me to always have a fact up your sleeve, a quote to recite, or a question to ask. Simultaneously, Miss Grotke from Recess inspired me to advocate for myself and others, accept responsibility for my mistakes, and to understand that adults may have been the authority, but were definitely not always right. Still, none of my teachers held a candle to Professor Minerva McGonagall, the sharp-witted yet impeccably kind Head of Gryffindor.

That is, until I met Mrs. Sandra Gray, my high school English teacher. By this point, I had a lot in common with Hermione Granger; I had big bushy hair, I had been voted “Most Intelligent” twice, and I attended The Piney Woods Country Life School, a boarding school that my parents visited so rarely that I wondered at times if they remembered they had a daughter at all.

Mrs. Gray was an avid reader, a flawless grammarian, and a master of sass. To this day, I couldn’t tell you if she had a husband, children of her own, or even a cat. I can tell you, most emphatically, however, that she loved me. When I fell asleep in her class because I spent yet another night in the library, she let me. When I told her that I was writing my senior thesis on a book that she had not assigned, because all the books she did assign I had already read, she didn’t become offended or indignant. She looked over her glasses and replied, “Do what you will Ms. Mills, the report is still due a week from today, at noon.” When I scored a 33 out of 36 on the English section of the ACT, she bought me a box of pizza. When I graduated and finally told her what she meant to me, she answered, “I was just molding what was already there. You now have the power to do the same.”

—

Flash forward to quite a few years later: I am now a woman who doesn’t want children and yet I spend a lot of time with them. Talking with them, arguing with them, marking their mistakes, fussing at them, sighing as I’m wiping their tears, and pointing out their boogers (even 8th graders still get boogers). In true Ravenclaw fashion, I once spent a bit of class crunching the numbers for my students as an act of rebellious frustration, hoping to make them see just HOW MUCH TIME I spent working on children that did not come from my womb.

For those of you who are wondering, it’s about 2,430 hours a year, give or take. That’s about 240 hours a month, which breaks down to about 47 hours a week. That’s just a rough estimate; I majored in English, not Math.

In having this conversation, one of my students sagely remarked: “It’s almost as if you’re our other parent.”

This gave me pause, a strong pause. Despite all my beautiful baby cousins and my students and their precious antics, I have had no desire to become a parent. Changing diapers, fretting over vaccinations, picking out nurseries and preschools and day schools, trying to schedule playdates, the list of anxieties goes on and on. Not to mention when they get older — having talks about puberty, heartbreak, career moves, politics — it seems barely manageable when they’re in my sight for 8 hours, how could I possibly do it 24/7?

And yet one of my favorite teachers, Minerva McGonagall, did it all.

To save some time, not in any order of importance, Professor Minerva McGonagall did the following badass teacher things:

Wrote a welcome letter and supply list for every student

Physically visited Muggle-born families to quell their anxiety

Rewarded and disciplined with fairness and sass

Defended her students against an incompetent fellow staff member

Called out her boss on his bullshit, more than once

Helped students find their talents

Bought Harry a broomstick when he would have had NO CLUE what to buy

Enforced punctuality and owning responsibility (she definitely should’ve turned Ron into a pocket watch)

Taught her subject with passion and engagement

Comforted students when they were grieving

Defended her coworker against a tyrannical bully

Promoted academic and athletic competition

Handled being looked over for a promotion with grace and class

Gave sound and encouraging career advice

Taught students important life skills

Understood how politics and media impacted education — and warned her students to learn the same

Flawlessly mastered advanced magic

Inspired Hogwarts to defend itself

Battled cancer while making her mark on the muggle world (Dame Maggie Smith IS Minerva McGonagall, PERIODT)

Put her own personal life aside to be a myriad of things her children needed

Knew when to be serious and when to take a joke

People, fans and strangers alike, love to point out — sometimes with cheek and often with sadness — that Minerva McGonagall was never a mother. Well, I’m here to give those folks a well-guided course correction:

MINERVA MCGONAGALL WAS EVERYBODY’S MOTHER.

Her career choice wasn’t just the dramatic punchline to the sob story that comes from the loss of her husband and lack of biological children. It wasn’t just to add another sad spinster to create a diverse set of women (we’ll have a talk about Sybill Trelawney and Arabella Figg at another time).

It was to show the world that great teachers are more than just collectors of knowledge. We’re advocates. Counselors. Social workers. Taskmasters. Expectation setters. Historians. Advisors. Cheerleaders. Activists. Warriors.

As I enter year four of my teaching career, I see that in my students I have my own cast of characters. I have my Hermiones, my Harrys, my Rons, and even my Lunas. I also have a Seamus, a Dean, a Neville, and interestingly enough, a Blaise Zabini. I hope that they see how special they are to me, a childless woman without a husband, who comes to their school day in and day out, hoping to teach her children that they have all the magic they need inside of them. That they can see that in times of trouble, in times of heartache, in times of stupidity, in times of stubbornness, in times of confusion, grief, solitude, and more that they have someone. Even more so in times of triumph, joy, amazement, prosperity, and hope. Because when the battle is over, we all need a Minerva McGonagall to remind us that the walls are still standing, the classrooms are open, and it’s the children that make the school, not the other way around.

Have a biscuit, Professor McGonagall. From one teacher to another, you’ve earned it.

#Teachers Appreciation Week #Professor McGonagall #Harry Potter

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underachievers-please-try-harder · 7 years ago

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Interview // Eleanor Friedberger

I interviewed Eleanor Friedberger for 7digital.

Your last album was partially inspired by your move from Brooklyn to upstate New York, and Rebound was also influenced by a change of environment, right?

Yeah. I mean, before trying to sit down to write anything I think it’s really valuable to immerse yourself in a new state of mind. Having a different country or city certainly helps. So I spent about two months in Athens last year.

Did you head there specifically for inspiration?

No, I went because after the presidential election in the US I really wanted to get out of the country for a bit. (Laughs) I mean, I wanted to go somewhere else to start writing and I had always wanted to spend more time in Athens. My mother’s Greek-American and I’ve spent a lot of time in Greece, but mostly on beach holiday-type visits, and when I’d arrive into Athens it would usually only be for a night or two. I hate using such a generic word, but there’s a very special atmosphere and energy there. I wanted to take some Greek lessons, which I did, and I thought that I would also write songs for the album. It turns out I didn’t do much writing but I did a lot of research, and I also met a bunch of musicians and formed a band while I was there, and played a few shows, which was very valuable.

It’s interesting you say you left after the presidential election. Were you surprised by the result?

Yeah, I was definitely in that camp of total shock and horror. I had been travelling so much that year and I was away the night of the election – I was in Tel Aviv in Israel, of all places, doing a gig, and then in Rome the day after that. It was such a strange feeling to be so far away from home and yet still be so upset. I felt incredibly alienated, and I wanted to try to capture that feeling somehow on an album.

You’ve described your trip to Greece as a reconnaissance mission. How so? What did you take away?

Well I have a few specific anecdotes, like going to this nightclub that was called Rebound. For me it encapsulated all the problems, and then also the glamour and ruined fabulousness, that is Athens to me. The neon sign, with the lightbulb that’s been out for God knows how many years. There’s a no smoking sign but when you go downstairs everyone is smoking. There’s music that you think is familiar that could be The Cure or Joy Division, but then you listen more closely and you can’t understand any of it...

I also met a lot of Greek musicians, and it was a nice treat to remember that you can just form a band with anybody. But I also felt a particular sense of pride getting to play with other Greek people, because I’m half-Greek. It was funny to suddenly to be in a band and to look around onstage and see people that could be my brothers and my cousins. (Laughs) It made me feel a sense of belonging in a very foreign place. And Greece for me has this perfect balance of foreign and familiar.

In terms of taking something away... I grew up in Chicago and I went to university in Austin, Texas, so for me that was almost as far away as I could go in a sense. It was like moving to another country. And then I moved to London when I was 22 and again that was a huge change. I try to do that sometimes. It’s just the feeling that you get from going somewhere with just two suitcases and feeling like you’re a foreigner in a strange land, and then how quickly you assimilate to that place and how quickly you can make that place your home... That process is really exciting to me and I would do that every couple of years if I could.

You left the US because of political turmoil, but the political climate in Greece is hardly idyllic.

(Laughs) No, in fact it’s far more complicated and worse in a lot of ways. But because this is such an ongoing crisis, economically speaking, things had actually settled down a bit when I went there. But still, I went to a place where there are protests and marches certainly every week, if not sometimes more. I think a lot of people find [protests] just part of the daily fabric of life there in a way, which is kind-of comforting in a weird way. But you’d see instances, like a garbage collectors strike happening during a heatwave, like, literally just piles and piles of garbage on a 100 degree day, for days and days. Those are stark reminders, like, “Something’s not quite right here.”

Speaking of protests, did you attend any of the women’s marches?

I did. During the first women’s march, I met up with another American woman who I’d just met in Athens and there was a very small gathering outside the US Embassy in Athens, but I’m glad that I did that. It was really funny because we didn’t really know what we were doing, and moments later there was this very well organised march of Greek people just protesting the election of Trump in general. (Laughs) So it completely superseded us. But then this past year when it was the one year anniversary of the initial women’s march, I was in Los Angeles and I was glad that I got to attend that.

So what was your starting point for Rebound?

For me it was an instrument I bought. I kinda got it as a joke: I just walked into a music store and there was this late 70s Casio keyboard that was really beautiful and I just turned it on and messed around with it for five minutes, and thought, “Oh, I’m going to buy this. Even if I write one song with this it will be worth the price.” And I took it home and it became my new best friend, and I ended up writing loads of songs on it. It had a built-in drum machine with different drumbeats, and you could also use the automated basslines, so I ended up making up all these songs, writing melodies on the keyboard with my right hand and then making up lyrics after the fact. And I would just build these parts of songs and put them together.

Did you have any musical reference points?

Mostly as a reaction to my last album, I wanted to make something where it sounded like I was taking my time a bit more. I wanted to make something that sounded kind-of cinematic and meditative, and more like a soundtrack to an unmade movie or something. And have it be more artificial-sounding, in contrast to my last album which was really warm and organic, and about five people playing in a room together.

I mean, originally I thought I wanted to make something that sounded really harsh and angry and aggressive with loud guitar feedback and me trying to scream. But maybe I’m not capable of that kind of music? It’s interesting as to what you set out to do and what comes out. It’s like, I always think about copying certain things and then in the process of copying something you come out with something totally new and hopefully unique.

Recording this album was a more solitary process than previous records. Was that challenging?

Well the challenges are that it’s only up to you, and you can only do as much as you’re capable of doing, but the rewards are, “Oh my god, listen to this f**king guitar solo I just played! I didn’t even know I could play guitar.” Playing guitar leads was the most exciting thing to me, and that’s the kind of thing that I would never have given myself. I have no problem paying someone to play on my record, saying, “Can you do something like this?” I enjoy that process of producing and directing someone else, but I would be embarrassed to get someone to record me trying to play the same thing on the guitar 50 times, which is maybe what I had to do on some of these songs.

Do you have someone you use as a sounding board?

Not really. By the time I show songs to someone I’m pretty confident about them being right, though obviously things will change. But actually when I was long-finished with the demos I played them for my friend Bradford Cox, who’s in a band called Deerhunter. He did say, “This is s**t,” about one song in particular, like, “Nobody needs to hear this.” Which I took to heart. (Laughs) I mean, he was also playing me some demos and I would say, “I don’t like this, I like that.” To be fair, the first thing I played him he was like, “This is perfect. You don’t need to change a thing.”

You said you wrote music first and lyrics second – is that different to how you’ve worked previously?

Yes, for me that was a big difference. Normally I start with all these scripts almost, and then set them to music and this was the opposite. But I went through a similar process when it came to actually writing the words, which was just several months being conscious of writing things down that interest me, whether that’s something somebody said or something I see on the street, or a text message, or something in an email. With the title ‘Nice To Be Nowhere’, someone said that to me about four or five years ago, and I was like, that’s gonna make a good piece of something some day.

On ‘Make Me A Song’ you draw on an encounter you had with a born again Christian, right?

I think that song is about a lot of things, but mostly about having expectations and then having them be completely turned on their head. I think it’s always really interesting when you think somebody is one thing and it turns out they’re something completely different. And in that case, I was in a foreign place and I met someone new and I’m having a nice time and then suddenly they’re telling me, “I love Jesus. Jesus is my best friend. I write songs for Jesus.” And then they try to convince me to do the same thing. And I don’t mean to say it as a judgemental thing. I was trying to keep an open spirit to that, but of course I did think, “This guy’s a f**king freak.” But in hindsight he helped me write a song. (Laughs)

Four albums into your solo career, do you think you’ve learned anything new about your outlook or your capabilities?

I would say it’s always little by little, you know. I definitely feel more confident in knowing what I’m doing, but at the same time because this album was done so much by myself – and then I went to Clemens Knieper’s studio in the end – I’d never second-guessed an album as much as I did this one. I feel like the more you know, the more critical you are so there’s that double-edged sword of being more competent but also being less secure in a way. Sometimes I think it’s a sweeter spot to be naive.

#interview #interviews #7digital #eleanor friedberger #fiery furnaces #rebound #french kiss records #new music #music

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survivorjordanpines · 7 years ago

Text

Adam’s Jury Answers

Emma:

Sorry not sorry guys, I have to do this. Emma babe, this one's for you https://media.giphy.com/media/KIjiO0w6YHRew/giphy.gif

Ruthie, normally everyone loves goats, but only you could make keeping you at final tribal seem baaaaaaaaaaad

Ryan Teddy Palmer, the man with a position so secure in the game, he survived one alliance voting him out, only to be voted out next round by the one that was saving him!

Gage, didnt you know that when you're a pawn you actually need to get to the end of the board to be useful???

Raffy, maybe if you didn't take so many naps, you could have opened your eyes and seen the blindside coming!

Charlotte, you were so paranoid this game that when you wasted my extra vote and helped me rock out, I was convinced that playing bad was all just an elaborate ruse!

Chaos Casey, with how irrelevant you were before you were rocked out, you can be the next washup cast on Tumblr Survivor: Where are they now?

Regan, whenever you speak to me I always want to know more about you. Like, are you always this way?

And to top it all off!

Emma, thank god you were the closest thing to a uninmous vote we had this game. Otherwise we might have forgotten you played!

Casey:

Oh it's coming >:)

Regan:

Haha Regan I love you. You're so weird and quirky and I just dig it. Like I can only really translate half of this but I get the general idea.

Heart to heart, you were my original plan for a final 2. I got along really well with Charlotte and Kage too, but they got voted out while I was away and I got voted out while Charlotte was away so that didn't work out. You remember that right? Well point being after I came back and Jaiden was telling me about how he and Kage were using my name to throw lies out there, and I came right to you, I really thought we were squared away. And when you voted me out I just chalked it up to that being your plan all along, because they even said in the vote outs that you guys didn't want me to meet up with my friends on the other tribe. Jokes on you guys though because we live to vote eachother out. But anyway, when I came back in the game, if you had been on my tribe it probably wouldve been you i told about my idol. It just wasn't in the cards though, and I shacked up with Charlotte and Drew. I told you a lot of things, but I told a lot of people a lot of things. It was one big info trading roulette and no matter what the biggest scores I brought home to m main alliance.

So it didn't work out between us this time, but really I'm just a fireball in games. I kinda do whatever I want. I think I could've come into FTC a lot stronger if I had played by the book, but I get bored very easily. I don't want to do unfun things in the game because honestly getting to the end feeling like you did everything right and still losing is very disheartening. So maybe it was a little self-sabotage mixed with some impulsive things for laughs, but I can live with my decisions. I had a fun game and I made it to the end. If I can fuck shit up along the way then hey let's light this city on fire. Maybe next game we play together we can be wingmen and paint the town red. Until then keep doing what you're doing girl. And hey, if you feel like, who cares, just vote for Adam. After all, fuck it

P.S. I love that you called me Russell. I was actually going to pick him for my icon but usually in games people are sketched when you do that so I've since stopped and let Jordan pick my icon. But you see right through me ;)

Ryan:

Honestly, the most fun I have in these games is just hanging out over the period of the game! I've always gotten rather drained when it comes to prolonged social interactions, so having a group of friendly people just online hanging out all the time is really fun! It's a very no-pressure environment to just chime in and joke around with people and like, that's absolutely part of what made this season so great! If a tribe chat is dead or like it's just full of a few people dominating the conversation, it's no fun at all. But we did it right because no matter what kind of game drama was going on someone would be cracking jokes in our Jordan Pines chat. That's what games should be like. Cuz no matter what we're all just here to have a good time, so when people get too upset about these games it makes me sad. This stuff was created and put together by people like us so we could all enjoy Survivor, so just have fun with the game and be friends! You might even meet a fewpeople who are really worth it

Charlotte:

No worries Charlotte I love you too! I told you this when you visited me on Redemption but even after a few frustrating moves we made together I couldn't dislike you if I tried.

I am sorry about the rites of passage, doing things last minute has been an accidental pattern these few days cuz there's so much stuff to do back to back. I regret being so busy at work that I just wrote them on my phone whenever I had the chance, but I actually didn't intend to write much anyway. I'm sure it could've done with more polishing but I wanted to leave it lighthearted and leave the serious talk for tribal. I admittedly didn't know the custom was to write a paragraph for everyone and I guess brash quips were just more my style. I didn't mean to make it seem like I didn't care about this game.

But anyway, I doubt we'll talk much after this game but with any luck we'll see eachother in another game someday! I'll miss being inspired to see movies after hearing about all the ones you are going to. We had some good times in hats sweets, and games aside I'll always treasure genuine friendship interactions. It's been a pleasure spending time with you and if you ever wanna take a dip on the wild side again dont be afraid to help a hater out ;)

It's been fun hanging out all season Char Char <3

Ari:

I can see how me mostly just winning redemption challenges and being a dick could outshine my social achievements, but I'm glad you asked! From right when I got back into the game pre-merge, I immediately set myself up with two alliances. One Ryan invited me into, with his icon friends yourself and Emma, to have "majority" on the tribe, and my real alliance with Charlotte and Drew, whom I planned to go to the end with and shared my idol with. I also made friends with Gage and Raffy and even Jaiden who my alliance wasn't decided on voting out. At merge I met up with Jess, who I spent a lot of time with planning out island excursions so we could find all of the claws, and Regan who I stuck close to because I wasn't sure when she could be voted out. I also spent a lot of time trading info with Raffy and Gage, though I really only shared information that was useless or they couldve gotten from someone else. I continued to draw a lot of information from our horsehuman alliance, mainly information about claws and the isle because votes were obvious and it was just whether we wanted to go with majority or show our hand and vote someone else out. My alliance with Drew and Charlotte was constantly the deciding votes, and we only needed to reveal ourselves when suddenly we were being targeted.

Lastly with me talking with Raffy and Gage and them also talking to Drew/Charlotte seperately, we talked them both into making alliances and "bringing us together" (one alliance with Gage and one without) so that way we wouldn't have to seem connected but we still would get Raffy's vote for our own ends. Really my only mistake in alliances was you Ari. After voting out Ryan I was suspicious you would be talking to Jess and Ruthie about going against me, since I voted out your closest ally, yet still underestimated how likely you were to betray me when the chaos idol came out. Originally in my alliance with raffy gage charlotte and drew, each of us was going to vote for one person, but I wanted to do duos with gage/raffy and charlotte/drew so i could say i was voting for you. In reality I meant to betray you so you would be rocked out alone while me drew and charlotte voted in a threeway. However, in the final hour of tribal me and charlotte got into an argument and at the last moment i agreed to just self vote and charlotte would jsut vote drew, which she didn't even end up doing! So our alliance crumbled because when we should have just all 3 voted eachother charlotte got 3 votes and me and drew went to rocks. And the rest is history.

So I knew you could have been colluding with Jess and Ruthie but honestly didn't think you had the moxie. Well played

Rafael:

That's okay Raffy. I guess if all you have to do to win survivor is win immunities then do your thing. I'm more of a showman and I strive to make the game something great. And it totally was! This is probably the best org I've ever played, for so many reasons.

I want to remind you that I once told you I live to entertain. So I ask you, https://info.umkc.edu/unews/wp-content/uploads/2016/11/oS3Qd2AZZ-620x396.png

But I hope you know I had such a fun time talking with you! I wish we had gotten deeper into a videogame discussion because I think we overlap in more areas than one, but I always loved having you around! Too bad everyone else would have loved you too and there's really only room for one Jordan hate up here. But hey, no reason to let that keep you from rooting for the home team ;)

Gage:

I'd vote for Jess. See: http://survivorjordanpines.tumblr.com/post/170099908090/jessicas-opening-speech

Ruthie:

Thanks Ruthie! You know me and you never really played the game together but it was always really pleasant to just pop in on each other! I felt like we were old friends catching up for tea while the world raged on. I enjoyed what little time we spent together <3

#supportyourlocaljordanpines

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patatinolovenotes · 7 years ago

Text

love notes #Part2

1/2/2017

Y: Btw did you accidentally said I love you but then realized it when you were hanging up and start mumbling 😂😂😂 or is just “I’ll call you later” with bad reception that’s all 😂😂

P: I said that

P: But in English is shit

P:I prefer it in Italian or Chinese

Y: Hahaha you were cute I was laughing

P: Stellina Mia sleep tight

1/6/17

P: Buona notte stellina

P: Ti bacio sempre P:I’ll fall asleep with your song patata Mia.. It’s now -9 left before my departure. I feel I could fly there with my own wings. Night out was cool but way too cold and now I would need you to transform myself into chimney. I miss you on my skin❤ bacio

1/8/17

P: You can’t imagine how much I wish you were here now..I can’t live those next days that are still dividing us. I would give everything to see you sleeping and sneak under the blanket with you, slowly waking you up whispering and kiss you gently, kiss your wet lips and eat pussy. It’s crazy how much the evening make me homesick of you. Amore mio.

1/9/17

P: I’m safe and sound home in my bed! It’s better to sleep in a bed where I know we slept together before; it’s anyway a step closer to you. Notte baby❤🐽

1/12/17

Y‬: Amore I had such a lovely date with Jennifer, we talked so much and it’s great that she is the only few friends that we really grow alike, in terms of mentality about life. And it made me really happy 😚 we talked about life and love and it’s just great! Made me love life a bit more today

1/13/17

PBuona notte amore🐽🐽🥔 your voice would take me anywhere! I wish I was already there being in the night with you. Ti bacio🐒❤

1/15/17

P: Ti voglio baby

Sleep tight🐽🐽🐽🐽

1/16/17

P: ✈️✈️✈️✈️🛫 its official Today🤘🏽🐣

1/25/17,

P: I’m boarding actually already, I send you all my love lady. You are in my thoughts and heart. Text from plane or later🐒🍆❤👅stay safe on the bus.

Y: Safe flight amore text me later x And glad you are picking up the good habit of getting things done earlier As in boarding and arriving to the airport early 😝 Loads of kisses x See you super duper soon

P: I love your nose Y, eye and sweet voice. I love the way you walk and the perfect decency of your gentle movements. I love everything you do to make me happy and what you say but what I love the most is your spirit, your transcendent, fiery thoughts, your ardent will, your high calling. I believe my soul is naturally attracted to your spirit. To define my love would be limiting it, so I won’t try. For what it’s worth I want to thanks you once again for the amazing time you gifted me in T. I had delicious food, happy company, wonderful sex, everything desirable by any being. I wish all the best to you my love, to the one who never fails to see the brightside in everything, to the one that make my time worth leaving. I’m so grateful to have you in my life and the joy you bring to mine every time we are together. I love everything about you so much, patata mia! Have a beautiful, wonderful week before leaving to your next exciting chapter. I hope you’ll meet kind people who have different, interesting points of view about life. Finally you are free, without regrets, holding dreams high, because you are able of achieving anything you want. Remember to be whoever you want to be anytime. There is no time limit. Start whenever you want. You can change or stay the same. There are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you’ll always make the best of it. I hope we will see together more things that startle us. I hope you felt, like me, emotions you never felt before. I hope you’ll always live a life you are proud of, and if you’ll ever be not I’m sure you’ll have the courage to start all over agin. Ill be always here to help and support, if you wish. We’ll have the rest of our precious time alive to ketch-up. Never forget me, never grow up for me, ok? I miss you dearly already. I’ll see you soon on our new adventure. With all my heart, your biggest admirer, me P. Ti bacio amore. Wo oi ni. P: Yes I had some time to write… read it later with calm before sleep. Enjoy second dinner patata Y: My love, coming back to this empty room with no clothes left on the floor is a bit sad and empty. I am now lying in the bed and wearing your tshirt. They both still have small smells of sweat and sex that makes me feel as if you are still here. Oh geez, the first night in this bed without is going to be tough, my eyes are bursting into tears once more, and I am sorry if I made you feel uncomfortable when I cried a tiny bit. You made me so happy and emotional in a good way, and I honestly forgot what sadness is until realizing you will be gone. I’m so grateful to have you in my life, and yes I feel something different when I’m with you. Time freezes and my eyes are only on you. I can’t wait to see you soon. I truly wish we will be back again real soon. All the moments wth you feel like a dream. A magical dream. You are beautiful with your soul and kind heart. Have the best time of your life in the new uni I can’t wait to visit you again in ___! And can’t wait until the next time we hold each other tight again, with unlimited dreams we could talk about. Puppies, travel, life and all the knowledgeable things you have taught me. I’m also your admirer. You are the model of having a life that’s free, kind and smart. And I wish to become more like you and also have a bit of more brain like you when doing things. I want to learn more from you and see the worlds through your heart and lens. Until soon we meet again, amore mio.

1/26/17

P: My package is not as fancy and original as yours, very practical and just a little thing to spoilt the princess 🐽 for new adventure Anyway I need to have a date in mind of a plane for when I’ll see you again otherwise I don’t feel comfortable ahah🐒 I hope at least I’m gonna pass out as soon as I’m N tonight

Y: 😳 baby you always spoil me, and I love practical stuff!! I can’t wait And yes, I’m already wondering on the dates to see you soon again.

1/28/17

P: Buona notte patata mia❤🐽 I’ll let you know how it goes for __ I planned the joke perfectly with ___ and yeah maybe I’ll have the candy, depends on how the evening goes..🤙 sleep tight lady, ti bacio tanto🐒 Y: Ciao baby good morning from the other side of the world. I hope you guys have a wonderful night. Ti voglio 👅❤

1/30/17

P: Buona notte pata mia❤ I still have a lot to do tomorrow morning but should be fine. I hope you’ll sleep tight and nothing bad of any sort will disturb little endemic koala from Taipei 🐨! Wish those 44 days could fly away

1/30/17

P: Amore mio you literally made my day with “ready for pompino since 1998” you are super super cute in that picture ahahah little patatina🐽🐽 but who cares baby don’t worry just put them without the box, just the blaster in the shipped suitcase!

1/30/17

P: I miss you soo sooo much right now when the day finishes I won’t just to be with you🐨 I have finished dinner with a huge carbonara pasta and all work now so I’ll just chill tonight and have some food coma in bed now

I wish you the very best luck for your visit and don’t be scared baby, it’s all good, don’t be shy and explain everything to the gyno 🐒 Ti penso tanto stellina, always in my mind🐽🐽👅

1/31/17

P: Amore I hate to hear your voice.. it feels like you are here wispering in my ears but I can’t touch you and kiss you Y: 😞 I know I know dreaming about you since forever especially today P: My little sweetheart is sick and I just wanna go and buy breakfast with croissant and fresh orange juice and some easy light lunch P: I would be your personal diet guy to recover better amore Y: Buy “breakfast” 🐶? Or buy breakfast 🍳?

2/2/17

P: I’m fresh like a flower but tired like a sloth🐒 I think of you all the time dear dumpling because you’re so special to my heart. Tomorrow is your last day and I m sure you packed every little thing super ready to beat the custom with some illegal medicine blasters! Ahaha And yes I finally managed to watch black sails and jeeez the episode stars with the huge battle they prepared for three season .. it’s crazy! I wish you a amazing final brunch and I suggest you to eat like a pig before leaving🐽is your mum ready to see you leaving again?

P: Sleep tight, I miss you so much patata mia. Ti bacio👅🐒

Y: Good morning my sunshine, i woke up super early this morning because I was SO hungry … just like the time I took a nap at yours and woke up from it because I was hungry… 😵 Y: Baby I wanted to tell you on the phone how I realized I am spoiled by you, having you to spare me the time and energy to care for me. Sometimes I’m not good with words, and it truly takes time for me to figure out what I really feel in order to convey my true self. I hope you don’t mind I type it instead of saying it.. anyhow, I thank the universe for bringing you into my life. The thoughts of you as an individual in my life, I feel wonderful and happy for each day ahead. Simply your existence brings happiness to me. Of course there bring some worries that I never had for anyone so strong beside my family. Because I want the people I care to be happy and harmless but any obstacles they encounter. The ideas of even someone hurting you, your dream, reality or yourself, sadness me.

2/4/17

Y:Can’t wait for a proper skype sesh soon. Ti voglio ❤ P: Amore you melt me with that… I’m so happy thanks to your beauty, kindness and high thoughts

2/5/17

P: You are for me a source of inspiration, happiness. When I’m with you my life it’s simply better, much more intense and truly aspiring at something more, different. I believe the feelings we share now are a precious gift, a rare opportunity. As you mention, you conquered a bit of my heart as well therefore I’ll be always hoping the best for you, as much as for a sister but even more avidly since you are lover I can perceive in your fiery and strength in the jottings of your diary. Keep always those writings because one day they might be very valuable for you, like a personal Sputnik romance self edited . I wish I was there that cold and detached night . I wish I was there now, in your bed hugging you before the big day I’m sure you have such an exciting time of your life just ahead . I’ll be there for you if you wish holding you tight because life through your love feels just 10 times better Good luck my love for such a turning point in your life which anyway doesn’t change your dreams and who you are. Have a good one and text me when you can.❤🐽🐽🐽🐒 Ti voglio stellina mia. Un bacio🥔👅 Stay strong

2/12/17

P: Sometimes life gives you those unpredictable events which make every day worth living, hoping, waiting. You are a beautiful gift. You are always in my thoughts and I just can’t get my mind off. Hope you’re sleeping well cause today it’s the big day, right? No worries at all amore mio you’ll do more than fine there. People will appreciate my little patata!! Buona notte tesoro❤🐽🐽🐽

Y: Ciao patata, stellino mio ❤ I’m at the office now, apparently we got amazing breakfast served here, like proper human food, so I guess I can wake up later and have good food

2/13/17

Y: Good night my love, i wish for more happiness, love, and sex to come. And may all the misunderstanding, miscommunication, and small arguments to not become burden between us. No walls may become our barriers. Wishing only those three elements of life that I praise the most could surround us to be happier than we could have ever imagine. I do not wish for you to get hurt, and want everything to be perfect. May young love be imprinted in our hearts. Buona notte, my stellino.💫🌈🦄💓💜💙🙈

P: Amore you are always able to warm up my heart writing such beautiful thoughts. I’m thrilled about us, and what’s coming for us. I want to keep living through this love. To the best my love, for us. Sleep tight patata mia. 🐽🐽❤🐒rock tomorrow 🐨

2/14/17

P: Tonight you gave me some lessons about love. I wish I could feel for my entire life inspired by a dream of love such as the one you are making me feel tonight. The love I feel for you it’s the same every day, since a while. I cant stop watching the video and think how beautiful you are. How you make me happy with your unpredictable beauty. Don’t stop. You are my happiness everyday and I really cant wait to fagocitate you in Instambul. I have no more words to explain how enjoyable you, my love, make my life every single day . You are special and you make me feel special. I hope you feel beloved as much as I feel lucky those days. You have conquered my heart. I’ll always keep this video very tight for any moment of difficulties this would be the source of my strength, the source to find energy to any problem, because if you love and you’re loved… the world out there can never be bad nor scary. Lots of kisses to my princess which I cant wait to fuck like a…and I let you finish our saying.

Good night patata, always yours, P.

ps: happy san valentines

P: I just watched the video again amore..❤ I’ll try my best to protect our fresh dream of love in ecstasy for us. 🐽🐽🐽buona notte stellina . Ti bacio

2/15/17

P: I miss you every moment. My mind, soul and mouth is full of you. I would always recall you in any situation dreaming you were there with me. What I feel for you it’s something I’m very proud of. I want to have sex with you so badly, and touch your hairs again.

Wish tonight we were together her in N red light room or anywhere else but together . Sweet dreams my love. Good luck with presentation tomorrow, I’m sure you’ll rock ..smoothly hitting first week target. Ti penso

2/17/17

P: There are some people in this world who you can just miss, miss and miss no matter what. I can’t get enough of you. Buona notte golden mouth 👄. Tomorrow I walk up kind of early and leave to fine some powder

2/18/17

Y: Amore I was just looking through some old photos, and nostalgic feels came upon. I really miss the chillax life, meeting different people from everywhere, go to techno clubs, seeing dirty graffitis, people drinking and having appetizers or tapas, doing drugs, or smoke up.

That feeling, so strong!!!🦄💓🌈

I don’t think I can live like this for long. Being in a desert and malls and commercial clubs 🐷🦅👉🏽😵

P: No worries amore, it’s just a transitional period that will open you many locked doors, you are always welcome in my place wherever I’ll be: food, weed, and a bed.. if you wish sex as well are provided. I can’t offer more now, but you’ll always be welcome

I can understand your feeling and I wish you can achieve to do what makes you feel the best, I’ll help if I can

I miss you sooo much chica mia❤

P: Come and eat tapas with me, sex, reading, working, nature, travelling and everything all over again in the order you prefer

Live life with me

Y: How it would be my dream

I feel like I can have so many personalities and lifestyles, but it always comedown to being just a kinda hipster wannabe girl, living in downtown manhattan, Berlin, east London, or the sunshine barca 😂 And being in D makes me really missing the life of having choices of living some days as a professional, somedays as an arty girl and some days as a druggie. Growing up sucks 🙈😵

2/20/17

P:I wish you dream about one of our adventures because I really hope that will happen to me. I miss my patata every day, any time. Goodnight my love, be strong tomorrow at work❤🐒🐽

Y: Amore I’m going to bed now. I’m grateful again for having you in my life. You sparkle the dullness of my life. Making everything shine with glitter. And I’m the unicorn that loves strawberry ice cream. I’m so lucky to have you ❤🌈 I give you all my kisses and hugs and love 💓

🍓

2/21/17

Y: Ahh baby every time when I think of you I get all excited heart bumping and all…. but also your existence in my mind soothe my soul… Amazing Buona notte my patata

2/22/17

Y: Amor mio, amor mio I miss every little thing about you on, inside me

P: Thank a lot for being that strong to keep this relationship so tight I couldn’t make it without you supporting me I misss you deep inside me. Buona notte, ti bacio

2/25/17

P: Patata I could spend my life in this sweet surrender with you. And just stay here lost in this moment forever. Truly missing you here in the alps, I hope the the desert is your dear friend darling. I dream about our meeting in Istanbul, as always will feel unreal, too paradisiac to be real I wanna see you soon amore mio, ti bacio cucciola mia.🐽❤🐒

2/26/17

Y: My love, I would say that you wouldn’t understand how sad I am to be away from you and how my heart always aches when i remember you are not physically here with me. But I somehow still thinks you do understand how that feels and maybe feel something similar as I do. I often think and back and forth about us and what a magical being you are. I honestly don’t know what I did to deserve you. You are so beautiful inside, out. And I have never feel more comfortable to say it out loud how amazing about a guy before, and with you I don’t even hold myself back a second to stop and praise your beauty. Do you remember that dreamy feeling we had when we were in T? Sometimes I even think everything is a dream, that if one day I woke up everything never existed, and the thought of it breaks my heart… I just want to tell you how grateful I am to have you. And wish a bright future for us, individually and a pair as partners in crime .. 🦄😈❤ Have an amazing night! Un bacione, cucciolo mio ❤

P: Amore mio, I can’t live without you.. because love is your religion and your practice kindness. I couldn’t ask for a better attitude towards life. I feel so special next to you and I hope you I make you feel special in the same lovely way. I can’t ask for better and you made one of the most crazy moment of my life .. one of the best. I always think our fairytale can’t be completely true, that’s why a Mis believer like men need Istambul to touch your reality. You’ll always have in me a brother, a friend, a lover a huge admirer for the beauty you express with your existence. Do not ever stop your self in telling me something, good or bad, whatever I want us to be fully transparent . I miss you deeply.. We are drinking now and actually in the end we moved everything to geneve, I’ll let you know how stuff goes here. Hope you’re having sweet dreams about puppies licking your face while I give you an amazing pussy pompino, let’s keep our dream in paradise. Un bacio patatozzz mia❤🐽🐒

2/27/17

Y: Have a lovely dream, un bacione to 17days left x

P: Is it more fair to love carnally and get separate at some point or to love someone’s soul and cherish time forever after?The answer fluctuates in the dust of the desert.. but I believe with you somehow the two elements glued up together giving me a sweet aftertaste of chaotic love every moment. Good night patatoz🐽❤🐒 un bacio

Y: Your words swept my feet this morning. I read it while half asleep and closed my eyes to imagine yours and ours existence all together. It’s beautiful. I wish you have a beautiful day to start this week 🍑🍓 love you dearly

2/28/17

P: Amore mio, I must say I usually don’t like science fiction movies but this one has a great story and I loved it. Apparently every single thing you touch, see, smell its gold to my eyes and trough your being I fell in love with everything❤🐒 don’t stop me loving life that much. Un bacio patata, have a great morning🐽🐽

3/2/17

Y: I miss you dearly🌸 thank you for being such a wonderful being in my life. Your wisdom of life always draws my whole attention, and I think about you always and every second. This feeling is amazing. Un bacione, my soccer ⚽️boy.

P: Buona notte amore mio. You are my source of energy and happiness every day. Let’s nurture our souls with this amazing bubble of love we managed to create. I love that feeling as well. I hope your dreaming of corto and bocca d'orata and wish a wonderful day tomorrow for my miracle worker Y❤🐽🐒

3/3/17

P: You didn’t ruin my mood at all, I need to understand that sometimes I can’t make you happy just because of the distance and it’s no Ines fault. Sorry if I wanted to push your mood, sadness sometimes is a noble sentiment. My fault last night in pushing you

3/4/17

P: I want to see you very soon my patata 🐒❤

I hope to find of you later in my dream during this night of sleep

Ti bacio🐽🐽

3/5/17

Y: Dear my love, every time when we talk I feel like I’m more attracted to you then before. You always seem to amaze. How extraordinary is this! Thank you for always teaching me how to dream, you are so beautiful like this. Maybe one day soon enough we would be physically close enough. And I can’t wait for that day to come。Coming home after a long day, seeing each other. We can cook dinner or sometimes we can be lazy and order food. Watch a movie or read a book whilst having some tea. Snuggle and sex and then snuggle again before bed. Waking up next to each other and kissing one another till one of us wakes up. Good night my love, I wish tonight I can have a dream like we wished. Un bacione my masterpiece of life

P: I want to explore your soul just as much I wanna discover the beauty of the world out there. Why not exploring both at the same time and together? Pushing our limits, helping each other to reach the edge, dreaming, living fast and taking care of the other with that amount of fresh sweetness? I hope we can leave this dream forever . I miss you from the bottom of my heart to the very top of my skin. You are the soul I’ve been waiting quite long for. Un bacio patata mia❤🐽 I wish you an amazing start of the week,.. can’t wait.. to see ya in the baccckkakkaakkalava country🐒

3/7/17

P: My love, my pussy patata I hope you’re sleeping like an angel and dreaming strawberry 🍓 ’s field. I send you all my love🐽🐽🐽yours dumb, broke young P. Miss you deeply

Y: Ok good night amore ❤ now I’m the one whose excited!! Can’t believe klock is coming, I really wish I can find some one to go with me then. If not…. I’ll wear my cap and go there myself 🙈

But anyways, amore can’t wait to see you next week! Super soon, for me this week is almost the end. And I’m sure next week it will be fast too. Buona notte amore mio, I give you the best of luck for midterm tomorrow. Kisses from boca dorata 👄🌙

3/8/17

P: Baby go even alone but I’m sure you’ll manage to find some nice people to go with.. and even if, the atmosphere it’s going to be cool anyway, ergo worth going.

My potato with the cap can conquer the entire world I’m confident ❤🐽 buona notte amore mio, I can’t believe, I can’t even imagine touching you🐒

3/9/17

P: Amore mio I’m in bed and I miss you dearly. Living with you in Taipei was simply amazing and I miss it right now; the smell of the bodies, the sweet crunchy strawberry 🍓 and you sweetest thing🐒❤ buona notte bocca d'orata

Y: Ciao amore mio ❤ good morning! I miss you too, I can’t wait to see you in 7 days, where all of our senses can rejuvenate to our love once again. Un bacione my dearest. And have a wonderful wonderful day!

3/10/17

Y: Dear my love, I never thought that i would fall into tears for missing someone so much. I realized that sometimes people do love too much, more than they could handle. But it’s this bittersweetness that made me realize how strong you are and how much I want to be better for you and with you. I never liked to face crisis or difficult timings with others, because I feel like it’s the most fragile phase that I would ever reveal to people about myself. So I would rather go into my little world and deal things in my own way, that is for example today I spent the whole day looking for alternative ways for us to see each other, just to make myself feel better. And it’s stupid, because it’s selfish of me to think that I’m the only one who is upset, because I’m sure you are too. But anyhow, I just wanted to tell you, thank you for being so strong, for me, you are perfect. There’s nothing I want to change about you. Sometimes I feel like we live in a parallel world of murakamis creation. when we are together, i don’t notice anything around us. It’s a whole new world dimension. And when we are apart, it feels that our souls are so close yet so far. For me, this love is so strong that I have never felt this way before, and it truly frightens me from time to time. But then again, thank you for everything and for being a part of my life and a part of me..❤

P: Trust me amore, that I would like to cry my sadness out as well for not being next to you. It’s just another way of reacting to the same feeling.. I don’t cry.. but I share the same pain, the same fear of loosing you because of distance. I’m terrified at the thought of loosing you and being in this grey world without my one and only source of colour, energy, sunshine.

I’m not perfect and you’ll discover that very soon but I hope you’ll accept the full package together with my disadvantages as well. I’ll try my best to be always perfect for you and at your eyes..! You are for me a dream. Remember always you are an independent strong woman and I’m so proud of being in your life. Sorry for my poor wording but I just woke up

P: Just remember that I’m always here for you… I would do anything for you

3/12/17

Y: Good night my love, hope I dream about you tonight going to galleries with me again.

P: Dear patata, I love the way you elaborate your thoughts on the things you’ve seen during day. Today was an art scene.. but always your analysis are enlightening and somehow deep but fresh. I don’t know if it’s my love for you that makes you so shiny informer of my eyes or you’re just such a precious being. Don’t question your self too much on what you’re going to be in 5 years because everyday something crazy like having sex with a pot head in N.. and you find you’re self with him in taipei a month after.. ! Keep dreaming because the best things happen while you are programming, in between bites of time.

This said, I probably can’t even understand how strong you must be in this first period of assessment in a new environment, without the freedom you were used to. Remember always I’m here, as a tool, as a friend, as a lover as a sex toy.. simply at your disposal for our mutual happiness. I send you my love and wish you a good beginning of the week before finally cuddle you in my arms❤🐽! Un bacio patata🐒

3/14/17

Y: Good night patata Un bacione for my perfect lover and Sputnik And also, thank you for always being so intelligent, intellectually and emotionally. Whether it is me nagging about my life in D or frustration toward things, you are always the most patient, patata. And your calmness brings me back to reality with a greater insight on life, that is to live in the moment. I’m grateful of you and I’m grateful of wherever I am now. Your existence often reminds me of that and thank you. Focus tomorrow and I give you all my love, luck and kisses 🌸

P: Amore mio, I just checked the flights for Iceland and the best is to go through London they have nine flights a dayiceland For Iceland * You make me feel like a king amore mio and I don’t know if why the gods gifted me with you I’ll wake up early early tomorrow to be fresh and revise before exams Thank you for sharing all this love with me❤🐒 I’ll be always here for you Good night my pata I’ll be fhw happiest kid on earthrhursdaay night 🐣👌🏿

3/16/17

P: Baby sleep well tonight because tomorrow we are going to sleep even better. I loved you with glasses, list like me the grandpa. I’m sure both our trips will just go smooth. I’ll see you in Istambul amore. All my love patata ❤

3/19/17

P: Sleeping in this bed alone.. after those two nights.. is incredibly lonely. Hope your travel back is not to bad amore mio. You are so strong and Hopefully you’ll get some kind of rest on the plane. Text me when you land my love. Thanks for the amazing time in Istanbul ❤🐒

Y: Ciao my love. I just landed, the whole journey was fine after all, although in the Middle I thought I was going to die… again…. the turbulence was so strong especially in a small flight … I hope you had a fun night with zey and aykan. And hope you did sleep well tonight, although I might be lonely, I hope you managed. Especially without me being there to bother you. I slept the whole way through but still tired… hoping to get some sleep on the taxi. I miss you already, as usual, this weekend seems like a dream once again. A beautiful one, thank you 🌙❤️🌸

P: I had an awful nightmare and just woke up all of a sudden. For sure because you are not here

3/22/17

P: amore mio I don’t know what’s wrong but I can’t download your audio properly. I miss you every second of the day and you’re always in my thoughts

https://youtu.be/vIYRbbHMesg

For you patata

Goodnight stellina ti bacio tanto

Y: Ciao amore I woke up listening to the song and then fell asleep again But then I started listen to john legend song from Lala land I hope you had a good night sleep I give you all my kisses Missing you dearly once again

3/26/17

P:I wish you a smooth day at the office today, you really deserve some appreciation, so please, if they don’t give you enough satisfaction just feel just because I could really see how much effort you dedicated to your job this weekend. Anyhow, beside this remark I truly miss you deeply and I have no more words in my repertory to express gratitude to the fate gifting me with such a rare bird. Patata mia you are a mirage, a miracle to my eyes. Please don’t stop❤🐒🐽 wish you were here now in this blue bed with me snuggling because it’s only trough you that I feel alive. Ti bacio sempre.

Y: Grazie amore you are the best. Being a mirage might disappear, I don’t wanna disappear with you, my rare bird. Have a nice day my love! Text me when u wake up

3/28/17

P: Amore mio I see you everywhere during my day, anything would evoke your figure or recall your name. That’s maybe one of the faces of my love for you. I dream of you. Good night my love. Always yours❤🐒

Y: Ciao amore mio 😂 ❤❤❤

3/29/17

P: Amore mio I would love to start waking up next to each other very soon. How amazing would it be if we’d work in the same

Place for a couple or more of years and after not to trough away our best years we go for a long road trip till we run out of budget..right now I would love this scenario. Hunting life with you. Enjoy your yoga session patata mia❤🐒

3/31/17

P: Im thrilled thinking about us, always. I think a lot about you, actually most of the time. Everything evokes something about you, your always around me and this is one of the sweetest tastes of love. I want not only to see you everywhere but I hope one day I’ll touch you, sniff you everywhere anytime I wish. Tomorrow it’s gonna be fine patata, do not be to frightened. I wish I could be there making you a bit stronger. I miss you dearly. Let’s discover new parts of our selfs together, never growing apart, shaping the future together. Gods night my pussy patata🐽❤🐒ti bacio

4/2/17

P: Good night my love, all the words I’ve written are still all true and I wish all my following days to be so full of love. ❤🐽🐒

Ti bacio

4/4/17

P:Tesoro, i really want to be there and pamper you under the sheets. I know you’re strong enough to solve al the difficulties you’re now finding on the way. Rise and shine patata mia, because soon a new adventurous dream is coming to visit🐒🐽❤ti bacio

Y: You are the most wonderful being after two months of complaining you are still here. Not that same anymore… but you are still here ❤ I love you

P: I would have never believe to feel this love. I’m glad I’ve met you. Have a lovely sleep my patatoz ❤🐽

I love you too 🐒

4/5/17

Y: Good night amore, I love to feel the love of loving you everyday. Thank you for being here, being you, and being in love with me. Un bacione my love

4/6/17

P: Finding a path in this world with you at my side is something I really enjoy everyday, even with struggle this love is bringing so much positivity and happiness in my life. I am sure its because it’s strong, I like to think so. I love you amore, good night 🐒❤🐽

4/8/17

Y: Ciao baby, I hope dinner was ok and grandma was feeling great ! I’m about to go to sleep, walked SO much today! And tomorrow is the big day !! Finally feeling that I can feel relieved Y: Baby I was also thinking how lucky I am to find you and to fall in love with you. How magical it is that it’s you. Good night my love un bacione ❤️

P: Going to grandma now I’ll text when home amore Amore mio im back home In my lovely room finally. I had a great great dinner and managed to kiss grandma after the surgery. She is fine and everything will be smooth shortly. I can’t stop of thinking about you in any action I pursue during my day, and our shared dreams is what makes me feel complete, full of life. Thanks for looking at the future with me, let’s keep this attitude patata. Anyway after a long period I think I found the book I would like is to read together: “The Dangerous Lives of Altar Boys” written by Chris Fuhrman. I bought one copy today in Verona for my self. Let me know if you’d join me in this adventurous reading. Tomorrow morning I will get up early to help my dad at the apple farm.. he has, as usual, new variety of apple tree he wanna plant. Wish you were here.. hope one day we will make sex in my teenage bed. Ti bacio❤🐒🐽🐽🐽🐽 Ps: let me know all the procedure tomorrow amore, good luck, more than sure it’s gonna be alright

Y: Amore mio, thank you so much for thinking about me even whilst working. I’m stronger when my thoughts are thinking about you. We are both achieving where we want to go somehow even far a part, but I know soon one day, we will be right next to each other. Soon will only be 10 more days until I see you once more. ❤ Good night my love. I was also staring at your eyes today, and I want to tell you that you have amazing eyes I love you 🌸

4/9/17

P:Amore mio I hope my golden mouth is feeling wealth. I really need you with me. Don’t wanna my bocca d'orata do be anyhow hurt….. Everytime in T is the same story, I feel you are my only home and I hope to be yours as well, otherwise please feel welcome to enter the door. Ti bacio tanto amore, I wanna have your lips on mine now. Wish you a smooth working day with no struggle. ❤❤🐽🐽🐽🐽🐽🐒i love you

Y: Amore mio, good night I wish a lovely night with no nightmare. I want my soul to be guarding you, your dream, and your soul tonight. I love you from the moon and back ❤ un bacione

4/10/16

P:You remain my professor in matter of love as always patata mia. I wish I could dream of you every night to compensate what I miss during the day. I love you so much, possibly as I never did with anyone else before. Can’t believe our story is real if I try to put all the pieces together. Ti bacio bocca d'orata🐒❤🐽

4/11/17

P: Good night my love only few days separate us and hopefully I’ll manage to see you every month. I love you and can’t wait to see my patata❤🐽🐒 don’t wake up in the powder bocca d'orata. Ti bacio amore Kiss me always🐣 I like how you act everyday

4/12/17

P: Amore Juventus won 3-0! It is an amazing and historical night for a supporter. I hope my patata is sleeping like a baby, because I would love to be sneaking under the sheets with you now and hug you gently. Tomorrow, just like you I’m going to the dentist for a check up. Ti bacio tanto amore mio.❤🐽wait for me in D if you can..I’m coming.

4/13/17

Y: Baby Have fun tonight Bouncing to bed!! Un bacione. Text me as always later, my love ❤

P: Amore mio the film is amazing You must watch this he name of the movie is: in between Not amazing but quite nice Buona notte patata ❤ i love you deeply and those days back in the provincial attitude reminds me harshly how lucky am to have you along my path. I have still high fever of our love and couldn’t live without it every day. You give me the energy and the happiness I need. Start your day with a smile, and I’ll kiss you soon. Ti bacio tanto patata 🐽❤🐒

4/14/17

Y: i ruff you

P: Amore I love you riffing me Amore mio, I wonna hide with you away from everyone and everything forever. Let’s take a puppy with us and fly away from this social prison imposing us standards and requirements . I want to live my love for you without boundaries ! I wish you all the best love in your life. Whatever it will take to me, I’ll always think if you of something pure, lovely. Ti bacio stellina mia.❤🐒🐽🐽🐽🐽

4/16/17

Y: Baby anything related to you I would love it Text me when you are going to sleep as always And baby I can’t wait for you to take me and explore the wonderful town of where you grew up Un bacione I love you from S to T to D and back !❤

P: Amore you are the hardest worker I’ve ever seen. I’m sure your effort will be rewarded and if not, you just invent a very useful tool for your self, when working. I think you deserve some days off and I hope to be a good distraction next weekend, can’t wait to be back in the road somewhere with you, feeling home touching your hand. I love you, buona notte. ❤🐽🐒

Y: Patattaasorry babyi ruff you

4/17/17

P: Amore mio i ruff all of you from the lovely lips to shiny eyes and smooth skin. I miss all of you and I can’t understand why the only person I would spend happily my time with isn’t next to me. I love you and I send you a gentle kiss. I wanna wake up with you. Buona notte snore mio❤🐽🐒 Have a good one at work

4/18/17

P Amore❤🐽 few more steps and I’ll be there. Love is cruel making us living so far but my love for you is strong at least as the difficulties encountered . Sleep well and have adventurous dreams ! -2 amore 🐒ti bacio

4/19/17

P: Buona notte amore mio❤🐽I just wanna see you, can’t wait any longer . Thanks for saving the situation as always . I see you working hard and getting things settled always smoothly, I’m not humble in saying : you are an inspiration. Ti bacio🐒 Ps: I’m still patata number one ad honorem causa😜

4/24/17

P: ❤❤ patata hope you’re not too tired You are so strong and brave. I’m here in the room, smelling our sec our love, I’m a pussy and I want to cry because I miss you too much after only few hours. I thank you for the strong life you make me feel in my body. You make me see the light. Have a great day patata, work hard, I’ll be waiting for you

Y: Ciao patata, thank you for writing this. Did you miss writing me love notes everyday? I miss you so much, hope you are not having fun all by yourself. I am pretty sure I can leave early today

4/25/17

Y: Thank you once again for another amazing adventure P:I’ll text when I board, ho back to sleep my miracle worker🐽🐒🌹

P:You are my only adventure

Y: Baby I just uploaded my 1000th photo on Instagram!!

Y: Ciao patatatata

I miss you already

P: Amore mio, I miss you deeply and tonight sleeping here on the floor in the sleeping bag, thinking I was in bed with you only 24 h ago seems to be impossible! Jerome told me that I can be back on Saturday afternoon so I’m sure happy and I miss talking freely on skype🐽🐽I love you ❤ good night my patata . O and D will always remember as another amazing dream with you..actually lovely stay at the beach with you that day. Ti bacio

4/26/17

Y: Honey, good night. Don’t think too much. Trust me, things are never that bad. We will go through this together for the next couple of months. I always tell myself everything happens for a reason, we missed the opportunity to go to a good school because at that moment we believed in something else. I missed my chances of going to my dream job, but then I believe life experience brings much more. Perhaps you can take a deep breath just focus on your current difficulties, studies, and spending some time thinking about me…😜 but really think about what you want to do. Business? Sustainability industry? Business is so broad too, some times you are interested in certain courses but in real life you wouldn’t want to do that for years, and vice versa, so unless you have hands on experience always leave your door open. Every kids with an ok or good family background can gain a master nowadays, it all comes down to what you can offer on the table. A degree proving you learnt some theoretical stuff doesn’t make you more appealing. Leverage your competitiveness from your background and professional experience that’s how so-so school graduates students thrive! You have a gift and strong interest try and find a way to leverage that, because passion is what’s lacking these days in our generation and recruiters can really feel the differences. Anyhow, let’s face this together, if corporate world is not what you seek for perhaps there’s no need to give yourself too much stress on getting into a good master straight away. We are also living in an exciting world, where smart people are building great startups! I love you. Have a good night ❤

4/27/17

P: Right now, in this cold night on a hard floor to sleep on, you made me feel home. Safe. Embraced by the love of an amazing girl that can act simply good every day, to me and to all others around her. I love you. I know you have so much positive contribute to spend on this planet that everyone should thank the gods to people like you do be alive. I’m great to have you on my side and we will go trough everything facing together everyday sadness and joy. I can live with you the bitter taste of life with a smile on my face. This being said I think in your current company or wherever you’ll be in the future, the passion for life you have, as you wisely said, will take you trough meaningful experiences which will get where you wanted, or better were you belonged. I belong to you and I’ll never stop believing in my patata. Believing In us. Wake up and go around to shine, my love.

P: Thanks for the advices, I’ll think about my passion and clear up where to spend best my thrive. I want be there kissing your front head and spending time with you. Anyway As you said, I have a gift and it’s you…and your pussy❤🐽I wish you were here and can’t wait to have good Skype with you. Ti bacio amore mio.

4/28/17

P: Amore im at M’s having dinner and than I’ll sleep either here or.. yeah probably here hiding from the old lady. I’m not usually a person that worries a lot but I just want to be sure you’re safe so plz just pop me a message when you can to make sure patata is fine, don’t need to say nothing just let me know you’re safe later

4/30/17

P: Amore mio, having your attentions every day is a gift for me . I feel so special because of our love and I thank nature for bumping into you. I hope pussy patata is dreaming sweeet-wet dreams🙊 we wired M’s friend and she ate something here! I’ll wake up tomorrow and stay in working on accounting and finance! Kiss for my love and have a great start of the week❤🐒I love you

Y: Ciao pat pat Good morning. Thank you for all the kindness and giving me love. Good luck studying tomorrow. Kisses for you too my love ❤

0 notes

jenkinsgames-blog · 7 years ago

Text

Survive/Thrive - End of Year Evaluation

What Went Well and Even Better If: Research Methods (and how they influenced my development)

Online Survey:

WWW: The online survey allowed me to collect a variety of opinions from a variety of people, meaning that I got a broader more varied collection of results; this helped me gain perspective from different places to apply to my work and in turn helped me develop more relatable characters.

EBI: Because of the nature of online surveys, it was expected that the answers I got online were less serious than ones I would have collected in person - this came from people “trolling” and adding joke answers that really weren’t helpful; it’s because of this I believe I would have benefited from doing a print survey also where people would have answered a bit more seriously.

Playing games/ online research:

WWW: Playing existing products allowed me to identify the key features in already successful games of the same genre. This research inspired me to create a visual novel style interactive game because although niche, they proved quite popular on websites that I visited such as Newgrounds, Miniclip, etc., receiving positive reviews across the board. Also, playing other types of games, such as horror games, FPS games, and adventure games on the PS4 allowed me to develop a further understanding of a successful and well-written narrative, which drove me to focus more on the story, which I believe is quite in-depth. The piece I did on genre and narrative in other games also really helped me develop my script and artwork for the interactive graphic novel, which I think was key to the feel my game now has.

EBI: Although I did play more than 5 different Flash games for my research, I feel that I should have put a lot more focus on playing these types of games because they directly linked back to what I was creating. I feel that by doing this, I would have learned more about Flash than I know now, meaning that I could have implemented more interactivity in my piece. Also, playing a lot of these games inspired parts of my project that in the end, I just didn’t have the time to include, such as a full soundtrack - if I’d spent this time focused more on research something different, such as art style or mechanics, this time would have been better spent.

Television and film research:

WWW: By taking a look at films and television, I was able to explore a broader selection of products that were relevant to my piece’s narrative and genre, which heavily influenced the majority of my pre-production stages. For example, watching horror films helped me develop my storyboard, script, and character designs. Without this research, I feel that I would have had a harder time developing a realistic narrative with believable characters, which is what I was aiming for. Researching television shows helped extremely when developing my antagonist because I was able to take common tropes of villainous characters to apply to my own character.

EBI: This research was extremely helpful - however, I believe that I would have benefited more from researching a wider variety of media texts, such as comic books, and even more variety of genre. I mostly focused on thriller and mystery films, whereas I think I should have watched a romance film or two to better write the romance between my protagonist and the love interests in the game. The romantic side of their relationships were supposed to be very apparent, but a frequent complaint in my script readings was that the romance wasn’t heavily hinted at, and just seemed more like friendship.

Script Readings and Play Tests:

WWW: This, in my opinion, was the most helpful research period throughout the development process. By having other people read my script and play through my interactive graphic novel, I was able to collect direct feedback on both the narrative and the mechanics of my piece. The most common things said were the things I took on board straight away and attempted to fix, and the less commonly said things were the things I asked about in the next play test and readings after I’d made my amendments - by doing this, I actively made people comment on things that were not noticed by many people before, and I actually received all positives the second time around, which let me know that I’d made appropriate changes.

EBI: I feel that the only way I could have made this research piece better is by asking a wider variety of people - this is because I mostly asked people my own age, which the exception of seven older people. Due to this, I believe that I received quite bias feedback because I’d made the content of my piece too relevant to a younger audience where I’d previously aimed to target an audience of 18 to 30.

Software research:

WWW: By looking into an assortment of different software, I was able to weigh up the pros and cons of each, and decided which would be best to develop my interactive graphic novel in. I think this was really important and helpful because it put into perspective the size of the project I planned on making and made me consider the feasibility of finishing by the deadline.

EBI: I feel that even though this research just solidified my decision to develop my piece in Flash, I should have looked into the other two software, Ren’Py and GameMaker Studio, a little bit more. This is because by using Flash I restricted myself with my own knowledge, when I already knew how to use Ren’Py quite well, and I’d already used GameMaker quite a lot for other projects. Saying this though, I still don’t regret my decision to use Flash.

Overall, I think that my main problems in terms of research methods were that I wasn’t efficient enough in using a wide variety of texts - for example, I should have looked at written texts like magazines or books. However, I think that the research that I did carry out allowed me to develop quite a successful and polished product for the genre that I was aiming to develop in.

Strengths and weaknesses and how I used them/ overcome them:

I believe that throughout the course, my weaknesses have been mostly art and software based - when I started this project, I was still having issues with drawing and creating pieces that had realistic anatomy. But, since this project started, I’ve been working on Piskel relentlessly using tracing pictures of real people as practice, and I think that the artwork in my interactive graphic novel really reflects a massive improvement in my drawing. When it comes to software, despite me still considering myself quite a novice when it comes to Flash, I think that my finished product really reflects a learning process that has improved significantly since the start - you can see that the text gets better visually, and the transitions between frames are a lot smoother in the later episodes of the game.

In terms of strengths, I feel that my skills in writing are my best, and that they are showcased quite well in the script for my product - boasting a complex narrative which features character development and plot twists, I think that my writing skills have not only helped this term but have also got even better. I think that this comes from the amount of research I have done into different texts that focus solely around narrative development such as film, television, and episodic video games.

Constraints I had to face and how I overcome them:

Although this project was completely independent, I feel that this was also a constraint as well as quite helpful - it was helpful in that I was able to manage my own time and allocate time periods for each part of the development process, however, I had issues with managing my own time because it was something I just wasn’t used to doing on this course. Because of this, I either underestimated or overestimated how long each thing would take - for example, I allocated a small amount of time for sound creation, but a lot of time for character design, where I spent almost no time developing characters because it was quite easy for me to do, where sound was incredibly difficult and needed more time to be able to work on it. Looking back, I should have swapped the time frames I had for each of these, but where I’d planned on being and what resources I had planned to use where set and it was too late to change by the production part where I needed to focus on my Flash production. I also think that the inclusion of a pre-production deadline half way through the term made me panic a little bit, and resulted in me focusing on perfecting my pre-production paperwork when I should have been in the production stage. This is because I doubted myself and worried that I hadn’t completed the work to a high enough standard, which added a sense of urgency to go back and rework everything I’d previously done so that I could get a good mark when it didn’t even matter that much at that point. If this hadn’t have happened, I think I would have been more relaxed and worked more sufficiently on my production, knowing that if needed I could come back to my pre-production to make amendments later on. Another constraint I had to work around was the blocks on certain websites on the college computers - although only really a small annoyance, every time I loaded a site within the domain for Flash game websites, it would block it, meaning that I then needed to get the attention of a lecturer to unblock it for me, which took time - I eventually decided to carry out these pieces of research at home where I was free to browse without any disturbances.

Conclusion:

Overall, looking back at where this project started, I think that I’ve made a lot of changes when comparing it to what I planned to create - for example, I originally decided to use the narrative of my game to challenge stereotypes, which for some characters I did, but I also kept in some common stereotypes and tropes because they’re common devices used to move a narrative along with ease. I think that by doing this I found it a lot easier to create a fluid script that was easy to read. I originally planned to create a product aimed at an audience of 18+ years old, plus being upwards towards about 30 - my target audience piece goes into more depth about who exactly I was aiming at in terms of demographic, but I think that I successfully created a piece that would appeal to these people; I believe this because of the mature nature of the script, artwork, graphic scenes, and so on. I think that an older audience would prefer to see an interactive graphic novel that challenges normal methods of killing characters off, and I think that I did that by having unique deaths to each character that were shrouded in speculation the entire time. I think that the most important thing that I’ve learned over the course of this project is how to evaluate narrative methods in films, games, comics and television series, and to apply it to my own writing - I think this will come into use next year because I aim to be able to write for video games on a professional level.

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