#i appreciate this lots since u send it after my -i wish i could reach to mutuals and say i love you- :'(💕💕 thank you

[bbael]

Heyo, just wanted to say I love you 💖💖💖 and think you're hella awesome, also hope you've been doin good 😽😽😽

Hiii thank you so much for this ask<3 I love you too and seeing you on my dash makes me :33 every time! You're super kind && rly hope you are doing great & having a nice day as well mwah🖤🖤🖤

[shadowkoo]

The Ex Text

→ Summary: The 2 AM texts have started again. It’s a bittersweet familiarity that you can’t run away from, and despite wishing to forget him: no one will ever measure up to the exceptional standard set by your ex, and you’ll never have anyone as good as him either. Like a permanent mark on your heart, Jungkook’s presence has become an insatiable craving, an addiction you'll never outgrow or cast aside.

↠ jungkook x f.reader | 3.2k words | 18+ ↠ genre: smut, pwp, ex with benefits, minor fluff & angst

→ Warnings: swearing, explicit sex, protected sex, scratching, breast play, spit/saliva play, infidelity (in the case that reader just started dating someone new), soft kissing, soft choking, rough kissing, ball squeezing, fingering, handjob, blowjob, cunnilingus, sloppy oral sex (female & male receiving), squirting, praising, teasing, overstimulation, multiple orgasms, hair pulling, doggy, deep dicking, posessive!jungkook has a hard time dealing with his feelings

→ Author note: This is an update of a fic I posted in January that desperately needed some editing (anyone else ever read their old fics and cringe??), I hope you enjoy the newest version bc i personally believe it’s so much better! If you’d like to read this on ao3 instead it’s been crossposted here! As always, all likes, reblogs, and comments are appreciated <3

The pillow vibrates beneath your head as the notifications on your phone add up. Knowing it’s nowhere near time for you to get up, you roll over, choosing to ignore whatever, or rather, whoever is trying to reach you. Your plan works for another several minutes as you attempt to drift back to sleep, but your phone soon buzzes again, signaling another notification.

You groan and clumsily reach to turn the ringer off, but instead, your curiosity wins. After a couple of slow blinks, your eyes adjust to the blinding light and are able to focus on the screen; a couple of likes on your latest tweet, a new follower request for your insta, and three new texts from ‘The Ex’…

You groan again and check the time. 2 AM.

“Mmm, right on schedule, ‘Kook,” you drone sleepily to yourself, “Glad to see nothing’s changed.”

Invested now, and unfortunately awake, you unlock your phone to read the full texts.

2:03 AM

‘hey, u awake?’

2:07 AM

‘come over pls’

‘I’ll leave the door open’

Leaving the messages on read, you think about the two ways this could go.

One, you ignore him, just as you have been for the last month, and pretend like he means nothing to you.

Or two, you text him back, agree to come over, and wind up in a self-hate spiral the following days for allowing him to weasel back into your life.

A third groan leaves your body, realizing your heart is clouding your mind, having already made the decision. You type out your message and hover your thumb over the send button, before pressing firmly, unable to take it back.

2:11 AM

‘i hate you…i’ll be there in 5’

His response pops up just seconds later.

‘i’ll be waiting’

This routine is nothing new to you, as much as you hate to say it.

It’s not the first time since your break up that he’s asked you over. And it’s not the first time you’ve rushed to see him, to relive the good times spent between his sheets.

As promised, Jungkook left the door unlocked for you. His tall pup, Bam, meets you with a happy face and a wagging tail the second you crack the door open.

“Hi Bamy-Boo, I’ve missed you so much. How’s my good boy doing?” you ask after stepping into the quiet apartment, bending at the knees to give him a quick kiss on the head and some chin scratches.

“He’d be doing a lot better if you joined him in bed.”

Turning your head, your eyes land on Jungkook. He’s leaning against the wall outside his bedroom, with one of his hands combing through his tousled hair. And he’s wearing the beige-colored sweat set he knows drives you wild.

Damn him.

Your eyes wander to the waistband of his pants, where the faintest patch of skin shows through with his raised arm, before moving upward towards his face.

He’s grinning now.

“We need to stop doing this,” you sigh, not even attempting to deny that you were ogling him. He’s hot, you both know it. No point in sugar-coating or avoiding it. “You can’t keep texting me this time of night and expect me to come over.”

“You can leave any time you want, you know that,” he says taking a step closer to you, “Just like you know you don’t have to text me back. But you do.” He extends a hand, which you accept, and you stand up, letting him pull you up against his chest. “Because you want to come over. Because you know you want this.”

Jungkook doesn’t waste another second before placing his lips on yours. He’s warm and comforting, smelling of sage and citrus, just like always.

He pulls you away from the front door, which he locks, and leads you towards his room. Even in the dark, you remember the path to his bed, your body has it practically memorized.

“Come here,” he whispers softly while his fingers dance along the edge of your wrinkled pajama shirt, before lifting it over your shoulders.

You didn’t even bother changing out of your stained and slept-in pjs. Jungkook has seen you in far worse conditions. Plus you figured they wouldn’t remain on for very long, and much to your pleasure - you’re right.

Jungkook admires your breasts with his hands once your shirt is on the ground. “You’re gorgeous like this,” he whispers, cupping them and letting his thumbs rub across your nipples. Between his touch and the cool air, they harden almost immediately.

You lean into his body and your lips collide, meanwhile, his arms move around your body, crushing you against his chest.

He moans into your mouth, loving the way your fingers run through his messy hair. He doesn’t hide the fact that his cock twitches against his sweatpants when you tug lightly on his locks.

Jungkook could come in his pants just from simply kissing you and having you play with his hair, but he needs more. So much more.

He reaches for your pants, ready to remove them next. He’s desperate to undress you, to have your naked body pressed up against his. You’ve been ignoring his texts for too long lately. Even though he would never admit it, he’s missed you. A lot.

You help him take off the rest of your clothing until you’re bare before him, and Jungkook looks at you like he’s always looked at you. Like you’re the only person in the universe, you captivate his entire attention.

Nothing else matters when he’s with you.

He tears only his sweatshirt off before sitting down on the bed. Stretching back, he pats his lap with that same old smirk you’ve grown to love and hate simultaneously and motions for you to climb on top of him.

You do as he requests, resting each leg on either side of his hips so you’re straddling his waist.

“Come here,” he says quietly, pulling you closer to him, so he can leave wet kisses trailing down your neck from your earlobe to the dip above your collarbone.

His hands travel down your side as his lips move closer and closer to your breasts, his hot breath tickles your skin as he hovers over your sensitive nubs. He flicks each with his tongue, before closing his lips over one of your soft peaks, sucking it in between his teeth.

The sensation pulls an explicit moan from deep within your core. Jungkook’s ears perk up, loving the sounds coming from you, wanting to hear you make sounds like that all night.

Your thighs tense around him as he does it again to the other side, and you massage the growing tent in his sweats to tease him just the right amount.

Jungkook digs his fingers into your hips, pushing your bare center up against his hardness as you continue your circling torture. It’s his turn to lose himself. Fuck, he can feel your heat through the thin fabric, your readiness soaking into his sweatpants. His hands curve around the swell of your ass as your tongues twist together in harmony.

Grabbing his face, you kiss him deeply while slowly moving off the top of him, your hand replacing where your opening was previously. You moan into his mouth this time, feeling how hard he is for you as you rub him through his pants.

Your hand dips underneath the waistband and wraps around his velvety length. His length throbs in your hand while your thumb glides over his needy head. You’re stroking him slowly enough to drive him into a maddening frenzy.

“Fuck baby, I need more,” he rasps.

You give him exactly what he begs for.

He cries out when your hand dips lower to squeeze his balls without warning. You smirk, watching the emotions overtake his face as the pain mixes deliciously with pleasure while you hold him tightly in your hands. You wait a few seconds before releasing them and then work to take off his pants.

“Jesus Christ,” he gasps, catching his breath from your dangerous game. “What was that for?”

You take a mouthful of him to avoid answering. He doesn’t press the issue further as you gag over his thick cock.

Jungkook grabs a fistful of your hair as you bring him closer and closer to the edge. He helplessly watches as your reddened lips glide over him, your saliva dripping everywhere in the process.

“Mmm, just like that,” he hums, caressing your cheek as you bob your head up and down.

Pulling yourself from him to catch your breath, your mouth then leaves wandering kisses that lead you to his balls next. Sucking each into your hollowed cheeks, you take your sweet time and watch intently as Jungkook’s eyebrows furrow together.

“Shit baby, I’m about to lose it,” he breathes deeply, before moving your bodies so you’re below him.

You smirk, your legs open and ready with your fingers teasing your wet and inviting opening. “Then lose it.”

He groans. Leaning across your body, Jungkook opens the drawer on his nightstand and rummages through until his fingers land on the very familiar foil packet. He smirks for a moment at the thought floating around in his head, and then lets the male urge win and rips it open with his teeth.

“You did not just do that,” you laugh, “That’s so cheesy. What are you, a horny teenager?”

He grins wolfishly as he rolls the condom on, “Might as well be.”

The scent of your arousal has now filled the room, engulfing Jungkook, and making him ravenous for you. He’s starved and only your heat will tame his hunger.

Unable to wait any longer, his thick length dips inside you just enough to wet his tip. He pulls back out of you, sliding your wetness through your folds, preparing you for what is to come. Then, without a moment’s notice, he takes you hard and fast, thrusting into you with all his power.

Your nails dig into his back, leaving red trails from where they slide down his back and grip his ass.

The veins in Jungkook’s neck pop out as he slams into you again and again.

“Holy fuck, ‘Kook! Oh my god,” you cry out, holding onto him.

He looks so fucking hot with his hair stuck to his damp forehead. Your eyes follow the bead of sweat dripping down his temple.

Jungkook’s soft moans tickle your ear, while one of his hands creeps up to wrap around your neck. The pressure is gentle but firm, his fingers are placed exactly where they need to be to make you feel lightheaded and slightly delirious - everything you want and more.

“Do you still love me?” he pants as he thrusts into you harshly.

You blink, hesitating to answer that question.

“Fine, then answer me this, do you still love my cock?”

“Jungkook…” you sigh, tilting your head to the side. “Please don’t go there.”

He pretends he doesn’t hear you. “Tell me you’ve never had better,” he demands after flipping you over. Pulling your ass up towards him, he realigns his length with your center and thrusts back into you. One of his hands wraps around your waist, the other gets lost in your hair.

“Tell me how much you’ve missed me and my cock,” he growls into your ear as he slips out of you, only to ram back into you with all his strength.

Each thrust pushes you further into the bed and brings you closer to the edge. You’re biting the sheets to stop yourself from screaming out from the sinful pleasure.

“Fuck, I’ve missed this.” You moan uncontrollably while Jungkook continues his sweet torture. Lust, and possibly another L emotion, dripping off the words spilling from your mouth.

You couldn’t lie if you tried at this point. You’ve really missed this and him. And holy fuck, his cock too. “Oh my god, oh god!” you cry out. Waves of euphoria wash over your quivering body as you unfold around him.

The coil snaps deep inside you, your walls pulsating around him, sending shockwaves through his body as he finishes.

Jungkook moans your name one last time before feeling himself swell, and he fills the condom with his load. His thrusts slow down but don’t stop just yet.

It’s almost too much to handle, yet it’s still not enough. Jungkook knows this and reaches down to rub his thumb along your swollen clit, causing you to see starts as your next release comes, it sprays out of you involuntarily.

You freeze, not sure if you should embrace it or be embarrassed.

He grins, “That was fucking hot. I’ve never made anyone squirt before.” You feel a sense of pride hearing that. Good. You don’t want him to have it like this with anyone else. Woah, where did that thought come from?

Without missing a beat, Jungkook lifts your legs over his shoulders as he bends down so he’s face level with your heat. He admires your slit that’s still slick from his undoing. You moan uncontrollably the second he licks through your damp folds, lost on cloud nine while he buries his face in between your legs, hands on either side of them, holding you in place.

You’re writhing beneath him from the glorious torture of his tongue teasing your entrance, his nose purposefully rubs against your sensitive nub and two of his long fingers slide into you, curling at the right pace.

His rhythmic licks turn you into a quivering mess. Your insides twist and clench around his fingers as you come again, unashamed and all over his face this time.

“Fuck, you’re amazing,” he pants, moving back up toward the top of the bed and collapsing next to you, totally spent.

You kiss him messily, tasting yourself on his lips, and cuddle into his side as you both drift off into the night, sweaty and exhausted, just how it should be.

It’s early. You’re not sure how long you’ve both been in and out of sleep, but you know it’s almost time for you to leave. This is the longest you’ve spent in his bed since your break up. All the other late-night extravaganzas we’re just a couple of hours, if that.

You’re laying on his chest, listening to the sound of his steady heartbeat and your synced breathing, working up the energy to sit up. His fingers draw small circles on your back as you two rest. It’s surprisingly…peaceful. These are the moments you miss the most when you’re apart.

“I have a thing with the guys around tomorrow, well technically today. Want to come?” Jungkook asks out of the blue, his voice cutting through the silence.

“Can’t,” you decline, worried about where this conversation is about to go.

“And why is that, exactly?” he asks, even though he very well knows. You know he knows. He knows that you know that he knows. Which is frustrating, to say the least.

The previous peace you felt is short-lived. You sit up and lean on your elbow to look at him. “You know I’m going out with Taehyung now. You liked my Instagram pic of us together from earlier this week.”

“Well, I’m sorry to say that if you’re here with me, that must mean he’s either very boring or is terrible in bed. Or maybe both?” He leaves the question open-ended for you to answer.

You roll your eyes and start to get up, not in the mood to discuss this with him tonight, or ever really.

You don’t need to explain to him that Taehyung deserves so much more than someone who’s willing to cheat on him, and with an ex-boyfriend at that. You two haven’t exactly made things official but it’s still unbelievably inconsiderate of you to waste his time while you pine after Jungkook, a guy who dumped you four months ago but still refuses to give you up.

“No, don’t go,” he groans. “What I’m trying to say is-” he pauses, fighting whatever is going on in his brain. “I don’t want you seeing him anymore,” he says bluntly.

“Why?” You press, begging for any sort of answer.

“‘Cause…,” he says, holding back.

“Because why Jungkook, I need you to say more than that. I need you to be more, we can’t keep going on like this.”

“Because I love you, dammit!” He runs a hand through his hair and huffs. “Can’t you tell? Isn’t it obvious? I’m still hung up on you and don’t like seeing you moving on when I’m, I’m…stuck,” he breathes.

He loves you.

A moment passes.

He. Loves. You.

“Please say something. Anything.” He’s nervously searching your face for any sort of answer.

“I don’t know what to say.”

“Say that you’re still hung up on me,” he whines, pulling you back onto his chest.

Your voice softens, “You know that I am.”

He kisses you gently, making your heart flutter with the possibility.

“Then what’s stopping us?” He asks once your lips part from one another.

It’s your turn to huff, you have so much to say yet it’s all lost on you at this exact moment. Funny how that works, isn’t it?

“You’re the one who ended things.”

The streetlight shines in through his window, its light illuminating your body, highlighting your beautiful features that he just can’t get enough of. Why did he end things again?

“Yeah, well, I’m an idiot. What’s new?” he jokes, crawling over top of you, completely mesmerized by how gorgeous you are beneath him. He kisses you sweetly, his lips massaging yours as his heart pounds loudly in his chest. You didn’t say no. To Jungkook, that means there’s still a chance, and he’ll gladly take it.

One of his hands holds the back of your neck, tilting your head just the right amount for him to deepen the kiss. He moans into your mouth, his tongue playing with yours while his other hand finds its way between your legs.

A soft gasp escapes your lips when his fingers dip inside you. They twist and curl with perfect accuracy, bringing you closer and closer to bliss.

He has you practically begging for more, you’re already a panting mess. You reach for him, craving more, needing him closer but he refuses.

“Nope,” he grins playfully, pushing your chest gently so you lay back onto the bed, “I want to watch you come undone this time. I want to see you lose it when you come for me.”

Your back arches off the bed as you dance along the edge, squeezing your eyes shut you let his words do their magic.

“Be a good girl and come all over these fingers.” Your hips move helplessly, matching his speed as you chase the high.

“You’re luminous, absolutely divine, and all mine. Nobody can worship you as I do. Nobody else can make you feel this good.”

“No one compares to you,” you moan sensually as pleasure overtakes your body yet again, turning you into the mess he wants to see.

Your lips touch again after what feels like an eternity. “I’m glad you’re here,” he whispers, leaving another lazy kiss on your cheek, before moving to clean up the aftermath of your pleasures.

“Me too,” you say sleepily, pulling him back into your arms after he disposed of the condom. You feel yourself drifting off, about to fall into a soft slumber with your bodies entwined.

Jungkook grins, knowing he’s one step closer to convincing you to try again. He kisses you softly, lovingly, one more time before you both drift off into the early morning light.

©shadowkoo 2024. All rights reserved.

[maaarshieee]

⎯⎯ ୨ Scars 2 ୧ ⎯⎯

ੈ♡˳ Il Dottore x Gn!Reader *ೃ༄

ੈ♡˳ 0.6k words ┊ Fluff *ೃ༄

ੈ♡˳ Masterlist *ೃ༄

author's note ˚ ༘♡ ⋆｡˚

FOR @au-starss <3333 i already have a fic titled scars and since i wanted to deliver this to u p fast, i couldn't think of something else HDGSHAJDSA,, also double upload 🥴 hope tumblr dont shadowban me.. you weren't specific what kinda scars so i kinda went with everything AHAHAHA, extra soft dottore? this is how i view my dottore btw... ;)

˚₊· ͟͟͞͞➳❥ cw: canon typical violence, basic dottore warnings, injuries, blood, kinda suggestive? if you read it that way but it's still v sfw nonetheless, dottore takes off ur shirt, makes out and that's it LOL, mentions of lots of scars and its v inclusive (sh, surgery, injuries, anything!)

There wasn't a day that Dottore didn't wish that not another wound would be inflicted on your body, especially deep ones that would leave scars on your skin.

He didn't think of them as unsightly blemishes of your body, heaven's no! Dottore worships them. They are part of you after all, and there isn't a detail of you that Dottore doesn't reveres, letting his hands roam all over your skin if you should ever allow him to. Not a single crevice left untouched, his fingers will trace all over your curves, and your scars will never be ignored.

You no longer question why there were times when Dottore would get down on his knees, parting your legs and position himself between them, then begin attaching his lips wherever he could whilst he slowly lifts your shirt up. He pours and pours his individual attention to your scars, starting from your abdomen, and takes his time to press tender kisses on the aching scars, trailing up toward your chest, then fully sliding off your bothersome shirt. His hands would travel all over your back, the sensation of his gloved fingers against your scars sending shivers up your spine.

Dottore relishes the pleased sighs that escape your lips as he continues onto your shoulders, then down onto your arm, his shower of kisses never ceasing even when he reached your wrists. The slight tremble of your hands didn't phase him, only encouraging him to give more of his love to your scars. And then finally, he would grace your lips with a piece of his attention, tilting his head to the side to deepen the passionate kiss. Dottore's hand would cradle the back of your head as you slowly laid back onto your bed, your arms snaking around his neck to pull him closer to you as he continued to ravish your lips. He will leave you breathless, weak, and desire more, eyes half-lidded as you gaze up at him.

Perhaps he did this because he felt guilty, after all. The longer you stayed with him, the more your scars began adding up. You fought for him, educating yourself on how to fight just so you could protect him with all your life. So back then, when he was expelled and often chased by people who were against him, you would get yourself hurt because of him, and your scars were a painful reminder of his selfishness; a time when he hadn't appreciated you as much as he does now.

Perhaps he wanted to give comfort to those scars that you had inflicted on yourself. Scars of battles you fought on your own, against the demons festering in your mind. He would always give them special attention when you allow him, his fingers kneading and tracing onto the scars that still ached with hurt and distress whenever your eyes lay on them. But if you hated seeing those scars, then Dottore could love them for you.

Perhaps Dottore wanted to ease the phantom pains you still experience on the scars he had given you, to save your life from certain death. He truly wished that they never left a mark on your body, but he knew that was impossible. Now, he would only glorify them, for those scars only gave you a sense of hope, and lead you to trust Dottore more. That if there was ever a time you needed his help, he would never turn you away, using his knowledge to save you, help you, protect you.

"Those days, huh?" You murmured softly into his ear, fingers raking through his hair as you pulled off his mask, his crimson eyes staring deeply into yours. Dottore didn't answer, but you could assume well enough that it was when he captured your lips back onto his once more.

Your scars, in Dottore's eyes, are just a part of your beautiful self. Details in a painting add more to the magnificence of the canvas. And he would kiss them all over again, each and every single one of them, if it meant giving you a semblance of comfort through the pain.

If you want to be tagged in future works, fill out this form to be added to my taglist! Remember that usernames are only lowercase and have no spaces!

Taglist: @anniejourn, @dilucssiliconedildo, @achlysyo, @sunoo-bby, @iyagato, @randomidk-123, @kujobug, @louise-rosita-leroux, @eliciana, @gattahaveit1, @vvyeislazzy, @ehe-te-nandayou, @raideneiari, @styxfly, @yourdailymemedelivery, @meisene, @acepeanuts

- ̥۪͙۪˚┊❛❛ If you like this a lot, consider reblogging! I'll appreciate it very very much! Don't repost and/or translate my work anywhere. ❜❜ ┊˚ ̥۪͙۪◌

[katia-dreamer]

i wish u would write a fic where percy and vex are taking too long to admit their feelings and trinket pushes them to kiss 👀

A warm breeze blows through the open window and tickles her face like a caress. Vex almost leaps for joy. It had been cold and wet since they’d arrived three days ago. Frankly, she’d started to fear that Whitestone would never see a nice day while she was here. 

Now, she could explore the city she was so curious about freely. It seemed like such an interesting place.

Like that has nothing to do with the man you’ve been secretly in love with for years? A smart inner voice teases.

Vex ignores it and turns to Trinket, lying near the door. “Buddy, I’m going on a walk, but you’ll have to stay here. I don’t think people will appreciate a bear in the middle of town.”

She grabs some money and goes to the door. Before she can close it, Trinket bursts out of the room and runs down the hallway.

“I can’t disturb Percy! He’s busy.”

“Mrroof!” 

“I said no.”

Trinket huffs but lumbers back toward her. Lately, when Vex went somewhere, he’d done this same thing. For that matter, whenever they were in the same room, Trinket would always sit near Percy. 

It was odd. 

She should probably cast speak with animals and figure out what was going on. But she’d worry about that later because she had other things to do right now.

“Vex’ahlia?” Percy asks as he appears around the corner. “Are you going somewhere?”

“It’s a nice day. I thought I’d explore the city,” she replies. 

“I can give you suggestions for places to see if you’d like.”

“I would.”

He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a piece of paper and a pencil. For a few moments, the only noise is the scratch of his pencil against the paper. Then, he comes toward her to hand her the piece of paper.

“I’d especially recommend this one,” he points to the top name with his finger. ”It’s a park with lots of lovely trees. My siblings and I used to go there when we were young.”

He’s standing so close that she realizes that he smells like books, parchment, and ink.

“You’ve been in the library,” the words tumble from her lips.

“Yes, Cass had some ideas about-” 

At that moment, Trinket, who she hasn’t been paying attention to, pushes her into Percy. What results isn’t really a kiss; it’s more a painful collision of mouths. But it still sends a current of lightning through her entire body. 

She rocks backward as her cheeks heat with mortification. “I’m sorry. I don’t know what’s gotten into him.”

Percy doesn’t reply. Instead, he reaches out and cups her cheek with his palm. His touch is light and tentative, but the look in his eyes is what kills her.  It’s soft, warm, and laced with longing. 

His thumb sweeps back and forth across her chin, and she knows what he’s asking.

She nods.

When Percy kisses her, it’s a slow and sweet thing, and there are no words for how it upends her world. After a few blissful moments, he seems to remember where they are and pulls away.  His hand, however, lingers against her cheek.

“You know,” she quietly says. “You could come with me. Show me the sights.”

“That’s an excellent idea. I’ll be back in a moment,” Percy gives her a quick kiss on the nose and then hurries down the hallway. 

“Mroof,” Trinket grumbles and heads back to her bedroom. 

-

When Vex comes back to her room later that evening, she casts speak with animals.

“Trinket, you have some explaining to do.”

“You two like each other, but you weren’t doing anything. So, I helped.”

“You were interfering in my love life? I don’t know whether to be horrified or grateful.”

“You needed a push.”

Vex can’t help but laugh. 

[islesnucks]

GOOD MORNING - MAT BARZAL X READER

who doesn’t love some good old barzy fluff

tagging @softbarzal cause she asked (thank u ❤), if anyone wanna be tagged when i post about mat just let me know

likes and reblogs are always appreciated, hope you like it!!

Word count: 1.4 k

Warnings: just a whole lot of fluff, make out (?)

Summary: just waking up next to Mat after spending the night together for the first time

Masterlist

Add yourself to the taglist!

You opened your eyes slowly, a smile appearing on your face once you realized where you are. Mat’s arm was still wrapped around your body in the same position you had fallen asleep hours ago with your back pressed against his naked chest and your legs intertwined under the covers. You could feel his steady breathing tingling on the back of your neck and moved even further into his body, embracing the warmth it irradiated.

It was the first time you spent the night together. From the beginning of the relationship you had told him you wanted to take things slow. Him being the gentleman he is, respected all your wishes and assured you many times he was completely fine with taking things slow.

However he couldn’t contain the smile that instantly appeared on his face when you had asked if you could stay over last night since it was already late, but truly you didn’t care how late it was, you just wanted to spend the night in his arms. He didn’t even try to hide his excitement when he saw you come out of his bathroom wearing one of his old shirts as pajamas or when you looked over at him in the mirror when you were both washing your teeth.

Those were small little domestic things, but to Mat meant everything. He loved how you just fitted, like you were always meant to be there, in his life. From the moment he met you he knew that was it for him, you were it. He tried to take it slow like you wanted, but he couldn’t control how fast he fell for you.

You tried to turn around as swiftly as possible so you wouldn’t wake him up and felt his embrace automatically tighten around you, bringing you even closer. He somehow managed to look extremely cute and hot at the same time, but overall so peaceful. His hair was a bit messy with some locks falling on his face and you raised your hand to move them away so you could observe his face better, wanting to memorize every feature, every small detail, from the slightly parted lips to the small white scar near his eye.

You don’t know how long you stayed like that with your hand gently resting on his cheek, but eventually he woke up and the way his eyes sparked and a smile instantly appeared on his face the moment he saw you made you fall even harder than you had already fallen for this man.

“Morning.” he whispered in his deep morning voice and turned his face lightly to place a kiss on your hand still pressed to his cheek.

“Good morning.” you replied matching his smile and  leaning to kiss his lips.

What was supposed to be an innocent peck turned into more when you were about to pull away but his hand sneaked to the back of your neck, stopping you from breaking the kiss and only deepening it. You couldn’t help but chuckle at his antics in between the kiss and he took it as an opportunity to add his tongue.

Eventually you pulled away, not wanting to turn your lazy morning make out session into more … for now.

He rolled to his back, dragging you with him till you were fully laying on top with his hands on your lower back holding you against him. You laughed, crossing your arms over his chest and placing your chin on them so you could face him.

“How did you sleep?” he finally asked.

“Like a baby. You?”

“Same. I haven’t slept like that since … actually I don’t think I’ve ever slept better than last night in my life.”

“Always so dramatic.” you said rolling your eyes but unable to hide your blushing cheeks.

“I’m not! I swear.”

Maybe he was exaggerating a little, but there was one thing he was sure about, now that he knew what sleeping with you in his arms felt like, he never wanted it not to be like that again.

“I guess you’re just going to have to stay every night from now on because you know I’m an athlete so I need to sleep properly and everything.”

“Sure sure because you’re an athlete, not because you’re the clingiest man ever.” you replied with a sarcastic tone.

“Oh really?” he said defiantly with raised eyebrows.

The playful tone and mischievous smirk should have warned you he was about to do something. You let out a surprised squeal as he rolled over, getting even more tangled in the sheets, drawing you till you were laying on your back and he was hovering over you.

“I’m not even gonna try and pretend to be offended because that’s so true.” he added before letting his whole body collapse on top of yours, nestling his head on the crook of your neck.

He brushed his nose against you, breaking in your scent and sending goosebumps down your body at the feeling of his breath against your skin. Your hand went to his hair, fingers running through his dark locks.

Mat loved when you pampered him, how gentle you were. It was a great contrast to his day to day life, especially on his line of work. There were many times after practice or games where he wished he could just run into your arms to cuddle.

“I could get used to this.” you admit mindlessly. Mat lifted himself on his forearms to look at you.

“You know I wasn’t joking, right? About you staying every night? If it wasn’t because you want to take things slow, which I completely 100% respect, I would be asking you to move in.”

He was being serious and you knew it. What you had was special. You had never felt like that for anyone before and it was terrifying and enchanting at the same time. Everyone around you could see it, Mat had to endure the endless teasing from his friends and teammates on a daily basis when he wouldn’t shut up about you.

“I wanna spend every second of the day with you.” he said, placing kisses on your neck between every word for emphasis.

“Clingiest man ever.” you repeated, words mixed with laughter.

Once he was done attacking your neck he got on eye level with you and gave you one final look full of adoration before kissing you. His lips were soft against your, a feeling you could never get tired of.

“I could stay like this forever.” he mumbled against your lips, not missing the way your cheeks blushed at his sweet comment.

“Well I don’t know about forever, but I’m free the rest of the day.” you replied, making him stop abruptly and pull away to see if you were being serious.

“Really?” His excitement made you smile as you nodded, he really looked like a little kid whose parents just told him they were going to Disneyland. Honestly, a day with you tangled in his sheets doing nothing other than being with each other was Mat’s own personal Disneyland.

He reached one hand over to the nightstand to grab his phone and started tapping something on it. You looked up at him confused before asking: “What are you doing Mat?”

“I just ordered us some food.” he informed you before locking his phone and putting it away. “We’re gonna spend the whole day in bed.”

“Sounds perfect.”

[un2-verse]

BILLY — Kim Taehyung (3)

Synopsis: News of a Sadistic Serial Killer nicknamed “Jigsaw” is spreading around town like wildfire… the nickname stemming from the puzzle piece he cuts from every victim’s body. No one knows who he’ll trap next but in a town full of delinquents and criminals, it could never be you. Right?

Pairing: yandere!Taehyung x f!reader

genre: angst, horror, weirdly some fluff lol

Warnings: dark themes, yandere, stalking, manipulation, conditioning, mentions of abuse, suicidal ideations/attempts, self harm, murder, depictions of torture etc (basically its gorey and fucked up), angel trap, etc stabbing and guns. do not read if triggered!!!!

wordcount: 2.2k

taglist: @yes-sol-not-soul @yoongiofmine

a/n: pt 3 is here!! honestly i wasnt expecting this amount of support as i’ve never published my writing before so thank u sm ♡ i was inspired to write this one night and i had no idea where it’d go or anything but i’m happy with the way its turning out :D fun fact abt me, i’ve been obsessed w the franchise since i was little and i actually have 2 saw tattoos, one of billy and one above saying “cherish your life” since that’s pretty much the motto of saw :) and i have quite the collection of saw/billy items so why not turn my fav horror film into a fucked up love story! let me know if u would like to be added to the taglist and pls enjoy reading^^ feel free to send me asks abt the series or anything u want~ i love hearing from u guys!! :D ps— taehyung and the reader dont have much interaction in this part,, theyll definitely be more of them together in part 4 :) unedited so pls excuse any mistakes!! tysm <33 and remember these are fictional characters and do not represent bts personally in any way!!

series masterlist

part one part two

The headlines constantly named the Jigsaw Killer, Billy. The somewhat eerie little doll that had a face as white as a Calla Lily with spirals on it’s cheeks as red as the blood that was shed during the tests. Billy was always dressed in a little black suit with a red bowtie and he was (most of the time) situated on a squeaky battered tricycle. Attached was always a tape that read “play me” and when the subjects did, a chilling voice— one that could make even the world's worst predators shiver with terror— would echo around the room.

Everyone knew that a doll clearly wasn’t responsible, yet they gave it the name Billy in hopes to somewhat humanise the face that instilled panic— they did not want to live in fear.

It was the only face behind the killings.

But this time, there was a different subject stuck in the test and Billy had made sure there was no way for them to survive.

“How are you scared of heights? You’re practically a giant yourself!”

“Just because I’m tall doesn’t mean I can’t be scared of heights Y/Nie.”

You had no idea how long had passed since Taehyung had turned up at the garage, you were too busy chatting away squeezed into the kitchen while your Dad, Yoongi and Hobi worked on the cars in the shop. If anyone could hear you both, they would think you’d known eachother since childhood— the playful jokes and light touches exaggerated that.

You’d only known him for a few hours really, if you added the time spent with him on the first day and now. It hadn’t seemed like all those weeks ago that you first met, he had a familiar presence, as though you had known him for years compared to the hours.

“I just wouldn’t imagine you to be scared of anything Taehyung… you seem so confident and fearless.”

You saw the way Taehyung looked at you. His eyes flashed with understanding.

“I did have my fears back then, much like yours.”

“What do you mean?” you had a rough idea on what he meant but you needed him to voice it.

A deep inhale and the words flowed from his lips before he could stop it, “The fear of living. I had been through some stuff you know, growing up. My mum was working a lot and my dad was an alcoholic, he was so fucking possessive and wouldn’t let her go anywhere without kicking off. It was a fucking shitshow and so toxic. This one time though, I’d pretended that I’d gone to school and waited outside the front door. It didn’t take long before I heard shit getting smashed and my dad shouting.” Taehyung was telling the truth only, he left out the part where he was also as possessive, if not more, than his father. Well, let's say… obsessive. “I just ran in the house and saw my dad towering over my mum and I don’t remember what happened but, I do remember my mum crying and my dad disappeared.”

Now Taehyung was lying through his teeth. He remembered clearly, almost like it was yesterday. He smashed the nearest bottle, pulled his mother away from the monster that scared her and stabbed him. Not just once, not twice but thirty-seven times. Hence the thirty seven tattoo on the palm of his right hand (the one he’d actually killed his father with). There was only Taehyung who knew what it meant, he counted every single time the broken glass pierced his father’s body, he counted with a smile on his face and a chuckle in his throat.

You were at a loss for words. Your mouth gaped in shock, eyes wide and your brain scrambled for the right thing to say. You reached over and grabbed his hand, interlacing your fingers. His thumb running back and forth along your hand. “I’m sorry, I can’t imagine what that must’ve been like.” There was no way you could relate, your mother and father were happy and in love. They had the ideal relationship, one you wished for yourself. You could empathise though.

“You don’t need to be sorry baby, it’s in the past and I’ve moved on from it. I was like you though, poisoned by the roots that keep you on the ground even though you wanted nothing more than to break free and be no longer.” A silence fell over you both before Taehyung uttered, “I wasn’t successful with my attempt so now I’m here to help you.”

Warmth spread throughout your body, a smile graced your features as you no longer felt alone.

You had a completely different idea to what those words actually meant.

It was nearing the evening when Taehyung’s car had been fixed. Yoongi popped his head in the kitchen to tell him but stopped himself so as to not interrupt the scene before him. You were laughing along to whatever Taehyung was babbling about with your hand resting on his bicep, with that look in your eyes that he hadn’t seen for years. Yoongi felt himself smile as he saw you hanging onto Taehyung's every word.

For the first time in forever, you looked alive.

Yoongi cleared his throat which drew yours and Taehyung’s attention, “Sorry to interrupt guys. We’ve finished with your car so whenever you’re ready we’ll be outside.” The infamous gummy smile overtook his features, you felt yourself beam in return.

“Thanks man! I’ll be like, five minutes.”

Yoongi nodded his head in reply and swiftly left the room.

You’d taken Tae’s hand into yours, playing with the array of rings that occupied his fingers. Solemn thoughts overtook, am I not gonna see him again? Was this, whatever this is, over before it had even begun? Your eyes stayed on his hand as you turned it over and traced your finger over the inked ‘thirty seven’ on his palm. “What does this mean?”

Taehyung didn’t think twice before he practically beamed out, “It’s my lucky number.”

The difference was, it wasn’t really his lucky number… although he did see it that way. It was the number that had stayed with him. It was something he was proud of, whenever he looked at the hand that killed his father, his chest filled with pride and a joyous feeling overtook his senses. It was his first murder. Something he relished in and thus, created the onslaught of Jigsaw killings. He targeted a certain type— those whose sins would lock them up forever if they were ever found out. Racists, murderers, rapists, drug dealers, con-men. Authoritative figures who abused their power. He even went as far as subjecting suicidal people.

You see, things aren’t sequential. Good doesn’t lead to good, nor bad to bad. People who steal, don’t get caught, they live the good life. Others lie, cheat and get elected.

Some people would call it karma but Taehyung, he called it justice.

He’d started this with one thing on his mind— those that don’t appreciate life do not deserve it.

Whenever a serial killer was on the loose, the press did what they always did. They gave them a nickname. While the public had named the doll Billy. The actual killer was named ‘Jigsaw’.

This stemmed from the jigsaw piece that was cut from the victims skin, no one knew why he was doing it or what it even stood for.

It did have a meaning although unknown to the public.

The jigsaw piece that was cut from the subjects was only ever meant to be a symbol that that subject was missing something. A vital piece of the human puzzle. The survival instinct.

After all, until a person is faced with death, it’s impossible to tell whether they have what it takes to survive.

Across town an underground abandoned warehouse, was where the next subject had found themselves.

They were suspended in the air, their feet merely dangling above the ground. The putrid smell of death lingered in every crevice, the sound of rats scurrying along the concrete floor filled their ears just as they began to stir awake.

A pain in their ribs was the overwhelming factor to them finally coming around. When they groggily opened their eyes, they were paralised with fear due to the scene in front of them.

A doll sat a few feet ahead, perched upon a tricycle. Adorned with a black suit and a red bowtie. A slow red light flashed in his eyes.

Billy.

Before the subject could even register how, when or why they found themselves trapped in a test, footsteps echoed behind them. The subject called out, “Help! Please, somebody help! I shouldn’t be here!”

A tsk reached their ears, as a disembodied voice replied, “Trust me, no one can hear you. Scream all you like. You’d just be wasting your breath, you may as well cherish it before it's gone.”

With hairs stood on end, the subject stilled. “What do you want from me?”

“I don’t want anything from you.” The man's footsteps grew louder. “I’m here to serve justice, that’s all.”

The man rounded the subject, settling in their view with only his cloaked back visible while he tended to the little doll. He touched Billy delicately—like he was a little child that he loved dearly. He combed his gloved hand through the doll's black hair and eventually pulled his fingers from the tresses to pat his head gently.

“You fucking psycho! Let me go!”

He couldn’t help but laugh at that which only infuriated the subject more causing them to shake in anger, a movement they soon ceased when they realised something was penetrating their ribs.

“I’d be very careful if I was you, we wouldn’t want you hurting yourself now… would we?” The cloaked figure spun around. An angry glint to his eye.

“What the fuck, you’re fucking crazy. Let me out, this isn’t right!” The subject tried their hardest to swing their legs, to somehow kick the man who’d imprisoned them.

“I think you’ll find it is right. You’re unworthy of the body you possess.” He inched closer, “see, when someone purposely intends to harm others, they lose their right to life.”

“What the fuck are you talking about?”

The man arched a brow as he replied, “Don’t play dumb. You know exactly what I’m talking about.” He felt like it was a game of cat and mouse except, he was a tiger and his subject, was the tiniest prey to mankind. “But, let me remind you! Since you can’t get your thick fucking head to work. You’re a liar, a cheater and an abuser. That ring any bells?”

The subject's face dropped.

“Ah, I see by your expression you know exactly what I’m talking about! Glad to see we’re on the same page.” He shrugged his cloak off placing it to the side of the doll. “I want to play a game.”

“What game? This isn’t a fucking game! You’re sick in the head you fucking cunt!”

The atmosphere shifted, the man remained calm while the subject went ballistic.

“What is this? What fucking game?”

“You feel the machine that’s currently occupying your ribs? Well, in about ten minutes that’s going to rip you apart. I’m proud to say that trap is my baby. I’ve been working on it especially for you! How nice is that?” he reached out to tug at the subject’s legs, tormenting them like a cat would a mouse. “Anyway, as my beautiful angel trap will rip you apart, my darling little friend Billy over here,” the subject followed the direction the man's hand pointed, “is going to match your face with the ugliness of your soul.”

“Fuck, fuck this! How do I stop it? Tell me how I fucking stop it!”

A boxy grin overtook the man's face, laughter poured from his mouth as he leaned over and slapped the subject’s leg. “This is a special game.”

“Who are you? What do you mean by ‘special game’?”

He raised himself so he stood tall and grabbed a knife from his pocket, “I’m the man you call Jigsaw.” He traced the tip of the knife along the subject’s ankle, “and when I say a special game… I mean you can’t get out.” While the subject was screaming in realisation, Taehyung walked back for his cloak, hung it over his shoulder and stalked off back the way he came. He sent one last smile to the subject as he rounded them and within the blink of an eye, he gripped the knife and slashed the subject’s achilles.

A chilling scream pierced the eerie atmosphere, the subject couldn’t string words together. Abundances of anxiety, terror and pure panic took reign of their body. Taehyung grabbed the injured muscles and forced his gloved fingers in as he gripped and twisted them, “That’s for Y/N.”

Taehyung had pressed the timer before he cut the subject’s tendons. He grabbed the tape from his pocket and threw it on the ground and with a chuckle he shouted, “Game over!”

Before he reached the end of the hallway, he heard the gunshots pierce his subjects face followed by the sound of the angel trap, even this far away Taehyung heard every crack of the ribs and the noise of the body being tore apart.

Without looking back, Taehyung rounded the corner and slammed the door shut.

He’d chosen the Angel trap for the irony, the subject that was currently hanging from the ceiling was no angel. They were a fucked up, evil, waste of space. Taehyung had done the world a favour, he’d done you a favour.

That got him thinking, how much blood would you shed in order to stay alive?

[a/n: who do we think was in the trap???👀]

[readerinsertfanfiction]

Eeeeek neeeeemoooooo! ❤🔥//dances around! //throws sparkles! Eeek its beeeen so long🤣😳❤❤❤🔥🔥🌈⭐

Hehehehe ill admit lol these prompt + theo //laughs nervously 😅😅😅 lolol but i found one eeeeek! So here we gooooooo! Neeemo dear could i pretty please with lots o candy ontop request nr (dammit i forget but i think it was 10😅😅: "With you holding my hand I will never have to fear the cold.”) with theo! Eeeeek🌈🌈🌸🌻⚘🔥

Love ya loooots neeeemo! Hope ya have the best day! Hope u have been relaxing and reading all the books!🔥🔥❤😳 sending ya alll the sparkles!⭐⭐⭐🌟😆😆

Zetaaaaaa!!! ✨✨✨ I meant to write this yesterday for you with the mid-autumn but guess what didn't happen? 😅😅😅

I'm so glad you only picked one prompt for Theo and not all, because LOL. Anyway...

Prompt 10: "With you holding my hand I will never have to fear the cold.”

Fandom: Ikemen Vampire

Character: Theodor(k)us van Gogh

Word count: -1k

Warnings: Homesickness

Masterlist

When Isaac mentioned the upcoming harvest moon Theo hadn't understood the meaning of, a brow quirking up in that characteristic way of his that said: 'hell, if I care' whilst he thought of the golden wheat fields of his childhood that were now ripe for harvest. It wasn't until he found his brother painting a full moon scenery, the style similar to one of his most infamous paintings as the man shot Theo a smile.

"Dazai told me a story," he started and Theo wondered what mischief the author had been up to now. "A myth to be precise. Of a homesick wife stuck on the moon," Vincent continued and in the way he spoke there was some heartbreak in his voice. His brother was always sensitive like that.

"Then why doesn't she return?" Practical as ever Theo had asked the one question most obvious to him.

To this the older van Gogh had heaved a sigh, continuing the strokes of his brush inspired by the story. "The moon is so far away," Vincent bemoaned instead, not having the answers himself. Myth indeed, Theo found, resisting the roll of his eyes. Of course Dazai would try to inspire his brother through misery. Of course it was associated with the moon as well, for the house was unusually excited about the upcoming autumn moon.

"Aren't you worried?" Arthur had asked later when Theo relayed the story. For once that cocksure smile of his was gone as the author eyed Theo with some apprehension. "It was the full moon that brought the bird after all," the man brought up, and Theo raised another brow at that. You and he were stable after all, so what was there to fear? Theo trusted you not to leave his side. You had chosen to stay with him after all.

"There is another version," his drinking buddy had said and Theo's brows furrowed as he wondered since when Dazai and Arthur talked. "One that she was homesick for their home in the heavens," this version of the story made more sense to Theo, "the other that the wife fled after her husband's neglect," Arthur summed up, his fingers counting the iterations of the same story associated with the moon.

"In both cases they're far apart, kinda like the two of you," the author had ended his explanation with, this time earning a small anxiety to form within Theo.

"Moon cakes. For the mid-autumn," Sebastian had told him the following night, pressing a plate of cakes in Theo's hand that were prettily shaped. The type you were sure to appreciate in shape and perhaps in taste as well. Sebastian would make sure of that.

Theo started to get the hints that had been given to him. The sudden mention of the harvest moon, then the stories that circulated around.

"Hey," he called you from the veranda, startling you from the intense gaze at the full moon reflected above. The nights had been growing chillier as the nights fell earlier, but you hadn't minded any of that. Not in the way you were dressed or the intense gaze into the darkness.

"You will catch a cold, silly," Theo told you as he sat down, his leg pressing against yours as he peered at the full body of the moon as well. If he squinted, Theo could tell that the moon was perhaps a little brighter and larger than usual. Or perhaps that was another trick of the mind.

"I brought mooncakes," the art dealer continued when you hadn't responded, your head affectionately leaning against his shoulder as you continued to stare whilst burrowing into his warmth.

Theo realised that it wasn't the moon, nor the husband and wife relationship that had mattered, but the longing for home. You longed for the life you had left behind for him. The life you were forced to leave behind without a proper goodbye.

"Hey," Theo called for your attention once more, voice gentle for once as he slipped your hand into his, squeezing it gingerly before pressing a kiss against your temple.

"It is chilly outside," you sighed, and for the first time you tear your gaze away from the moon, a lingering regret remaining in your eyes as Theo wonders how he can take away the missing. As he wonders if he is being fair to you, for making you stay. But you have made up your mind as you start to get up.

"Let's go inside," you tell him before you are pulled into a strong embrace from his side, the cook tip of his nose brushing against the crevice of your neck. It earns a shudder from you before Theo feels both your bodies heating up the other.

"With you holding my hand I will never have to fear the cold," he tells you in a murmur, only able to hope that this metaphorical way of speaking will reach you. That you understand all of his selfish wishes along with his good intentions.

You laugh, arms wrapping around his waist as you bury yourself away into his warmth as well, dispelling the chill from the night as you convey your understanding;

"The moon is beautiful, isn't?"

[caxsthetic]

It's the 31st of December now in my place, and I would love to write a little love and gratitude to all the new people that I met in 2020.

So, I am gonna start,

↪Dear, @aikk00​

Honestly I never thought that we could be so close. You are such a kind soul, adorable and really loveable! I love how stupid the things we talk about, mostly about how superior eggs is and our little promises that we are going to meet up someday and I will cook all variant of eggs that you want! I hope amidst all things, we could do that (: I love you so much, Claire... Thank you for being a sunny egg to my uncooked egg💕 See you on a wonderful next year, baby!

↪Dear, @layschipsyumm​

HA! BISH! Bet you are still falling asleep rn cjdndnd okay, my favourite Suna fuckers, I love you so much you cutie subby💋 Maybe the best thing I did in this year to slide into your DM and say how fucking good your colouring is and just wow... From just a simple hello turn into a random convo mostly us thirsting about our man... Thank you Tat my luv! Hope u have a wonderful year ahead!

↪Dear, @godjo​

Cher 🥺 Hey, hey... Ugh gosh I still remember how everything started with just me crying over how beautiful your work is... It's smut? I shouldn't have cried? But goddamn it the more we talk the more we found a lot in common between us and talking to you just feels so right! You are so kind and so fun to talk with... I am glad I know you 🥰 Wishing you a great great 2021!!!

↪Dear, @dearest-kiyoomi​

HELLO MY LOVE, gaahhh, still remember when you are a Sakusa fucker only and now look at you being a Samu fucker too mwah I am so proud of you 🤩 Anyway, I love you so much and thank you for hearing me rant and being so melancholic... And thank you so much for being my proofreader, you helped me a lottaa lotss! Hope you have a great holiday and wonderful year!

↪Dear, @mamori-tai​

Baby hello hi! Thank you so much for being such a dear friend 😍 I always love how you comment through my works... Especially Solemn Promise, it was a work that I really hold dear in my heart because well, it's Kita Shinsuke and the topic is well— ANYWAY, thank you so much for being there! You are so fun to talk to, and I hope next year would be a wonderful one for you!

↪Dear, @just-a-tiny-ghost​

Hey, baby... Honestly you are one of the people that I really love having a message from... You always ramble about how good and positive the people around you, all cute stories about you and your friends, I really love to hear that... And thank you so much for hearing me too! Wishing you a wonderful holiday, bby! Mwah💋

↪Dear, @blacckdiamondposts​

CELINE MY LOVE MY EVERYTHING MY SUPPORT SINCE DAY ONE 😭 Hey bub how are you? I really hope that you are having fun, surrounded by people who love you and you love hehehe. I don't know what I would do without you, really. You are so supportive and listen to all my ramble about my story. I love you so much and I wish you a great holiday!!

↪Dear, @muffins-puffins​

Shafff Shaafff, u are someone who really lovely to talk to💕 Every time I need to talk about Haikyuu, I just know who I am going to... I love how you respect my choice for not shipping characters and things! And like always know the words that could calm me down when I am emotional. I wuff you so much, thank you for being here for me! Have a great holiday!

↪Dear, @mrs-kuroojinguji​

Ana, ana oh Ana😭 I don't know how to start honestly. I remember the first time we talk is because I post that editing of Kita pic about how I want to "rabi" him xjdnksks bye! But for real, since then you have been so supportive, listening to me rambles, and being such a dear friend🥺 The chocolate fudge is so fucking good btw and well— I really hope that we could meet up since well we are from a same city sjxnsnms lovee u so much my crazy baby Miss Sawamura!

↪Dear, @flairlust​

Aaahhh I am so, thankful to you! You have been here for a long long time. Supporting me on everything! Either my writing or my merch, sliding to my ask here and there to ask how am I doing. You are so sweet and so kind I love you so much I hope you have a great year and a wonderful holiday🥳🥳🥳 Luvv uu so much and thank you once again for everything!

↪Dear, @kkoalaworld​

↪Dear, @kuro0luvr​

Hey, hello... My god, you are so so kind so good I don't know how to start you always hype me up and overall a great friend to me😭 Since that time I am in the lowest point of my life, you help me through it with a lot of things... Honestly, thank you so much, I don't know how to repay your kindness... But I love you, for real I am grateful to meet you...

↪Dear, @bjbex

HA, MY GOD, ALL OF YOUR WORK ARE JUST CHEF KISS MWAH baby I love you so much and like honestly talking to you is so fun and I always end up cackling nonstop when we started to talk shit😭 You are always so kind and like when I am down you lit ask and being serious dnskmsms you just know when to have fun and when to show that you care and honestly I love you so much for that, Bex... Thankk you for hearing me out most of the time, wishing you a good year ahead!

NAO aaaa honestly, you are like one of the bestest friend ever that I ever meet here. You always listen to me when I am feeling down, trying to provide me with some reassurance... You are one of the people that I trust enough to actually talk about my mental health... And I am so grateful that God give me a chance to meet you... You are angel to me, and I hope it last for a long time... Love you, Nao... Have a great year!

↪Dear, @t-amajiki​

Gere my God, you are like the start of it all. You are the demigod, you are the one who creates a good server filled with so many wonderful people that everyone I could be so proud to call as my friend. Through you, I found what is it to feel cared, to be loved, to know that some people try to be always there. I am so thankful to God that I met you, and I hope you have a wonderful year next because you really, really deserve a good life.

↪Dear, @lnarizakis​

Heyy Twinn, eheheh hello how are you👉👈 I want to say thank you so much for ever being there! I love when we talk non stop about our dear twins, and talking to you always been so fun! You are such a supportive hooman being and I love how we are now become a twin xjsndnsmsn it's stupid but it's cute eheh... Thank you once again for everything, and I hope you have a great year upon you💕

↪Dear, @tokyoghoose​

Hello, my wife. My mickie, you are so so kind to everyone around you, honestly I wonder what kind of saint am I on my previous life that God allow me to meet you. You are so lovely, always reaching out to me constantly as if you know exactly when I am at the lowest... I am so happy that I met you, and I hope that someday I could meet you in real life. Thank you so much, Mickie, for everything. May you have a beautiful year in 2021 and so on💕

↪Dear, @himichii​

Heyy babyy, how are you? Gahh, you know you are such a cool person, right? Like your words and your work too is so amazing! Aside from all of that, you are a good friend too and I am so thankful that I know you. Thank you for asking me sometimes when I am suddenly like, you know, gone ahahah so thank you really. I appreciate it all🥰 Hope you have such a good year upon you, baby!

↪Dear, @ravscrii​

Rae, Raven aaaa I love you so much you know how to boost my mood with sending me lots of funny haikyuu meme and godwork of Haikyuu fanart (especially inarizaki you know me so well my goodness) Thank you so much for always asking me if I am okay and such, it was a simple gesture that I really appreciate. Love you so much, wishing you a wonderful year ahead of you💕

↪Dear, @macaronnv​

Vvvvv heyy you my favourite Sakusa fucker🥳 We have a same timezone aight but well let me just tell you Happy New Year!! Thank you so much for listening to me ramble about inarizaki, to hype with me, and to be a good friend. Hopefully, someday we could meet up🥺 I love you, have a wonderful holiday, okay?

↪Dear, @ch4jime

Hello, sweetie🥺 You have been nothing but kind to me and I am so thankful that I know you. You are so fun to talk to and always reaching out when you know somehow I need company. Thank you so much for wanting to befriend, to talk to me. I wish you have a wonderful year ahead, and so on. You deserve all the good things in life!

↪Dear, @lcaita

Heyyo👉👈 I know that we didn't talk a lot. But honestly I love how you are always greeting me when I pop out on the server. Like I come out of the blue and you just "Eyceee" and honestly it feels so welcoming. Just a simple gesture yet it's really impactful. Hey, thank you so much for everything, really. I love you so much and I hope you know I will try to do the same, to be a better friend to you. May you have a wonderful year ahead💕

↪Dear, @evermorehaikyuu​

IVY sht, you are like... Everything everything. You are literally one of the kindest person I ever met. I really want to meet you, you are someone that I could call as a best friend, and I am so thankful that I ever met you (": You are always so patient listening to me, even after all this time you are always there for me. Reminding me that I am not alone. I love you so much you don't know it... I wish you the best life, you smart hooman💕

↪Dear, @http-cookiescrumbs​

Oh baby, you are like, wow. You are so pure and like always so positive when it comes to friendship. Since I know you, you always know how to make me feel happy, always bringing such positivity to your environtment. And I really love that, I love how much caring you are to your friend. Thank you for staying in my life, you are always, always be a friend that I hold dear in my heart. Have a great year ahead, my dear🥰

↪Dear, @kenmasbb​

Hello baby hi hehehe I know we just talk for a few times but honestly talking to you is so fun! I hope we would talk a lot, because honestly from what I see so far you are such a sweetheart🥺 Thank you for hearing all of my thirst towards my husband, thank you for being patience to me xjdndjdk... I wuff uu so much, baby... I hope you have a wonderful year ahead! Have a beautiful holiday🥳 Stay safe!

↪Dear, @sugusho

Baby baby hello I remember when we start talking it was like, aahhh... Hello you are always be my sweet pea🥺 You are always so caring and so kind to me I love you so much... Hopefully we will always stay in contact. And now with how we kinda have the same man we like, hmmmm😼 I think we would stay in touch anyway... Thank you so much for being such a dear friend to me... I hope you are having a wonderful year, and a beautiful holiday!

↪Dear, Samantha, Tea, Oli, Miyu...

I don't know if you see this or not. But honestly, the best time of my life is when I meet you all. Talking to you all, I am a shit that time and to befriend you guys is like the greatest gift that happen to me (": Thank you, for everything basically. I love you guys so much... And I hope each of you have the best life because you guys deserve only good things and happiness...

↪Dear, Reena...

Oh you are one of the best thing in life. You are there since like, since I was nothing. Like I think I was like, only post my SMAU I think? It was like 9 months ago. And you are one of those who believe in me that I can do it. I can keep improving, hyping me up and always so kind to me. We are like thousands km apart but I hope someday I can meet you. I love you so much, Ree... Thank you for being there, and I am so grateful we still in contact💕 Hope you have a wonderful year ahead

[sankyeom]

belle’s 2020 tumblr wrap up

i almost didn’t make one of these because i lost my laptop charger on my flight home to california and i didn’t want to type this out on my phone but after being tagged in so many people’s wonderful end-of-year messages (thank you @sunlightwoo​ @heartyyjeno​ @atbzkingdom​ @chaoticdeobi @xfirebenderx @fairyoftbz​ and for including me thus far 💗) i decided i had to join this beautiful love fest and end the year on a good note! 

m i l e s t o n e s  (personal and for the blog) ✨

◇ on february 17th 2020 i started stanning (and eventually ulting) the boyz!   ↳ this is important because i had been listening to the boyz’s music since no air era, but never watched their videos or learned the members’ names. after stanning the boyz, i was introduced to my beautiful deobiblr, which is such a warm and welcoming community. i met most of treasured mutuals through this community and honestly don’t know what i’d do without it!

◇ on april 23rd 2020 i reached 1,000 followers on my blog!     ↳ this was very special to me because i have previously reached 1k followers on many different platforms (quotev.com, wattpad, a different tumblr blog, etc.) but after not writing for a long time i was worried people wouldn’t like my writing anymore or that i wouldn’t be good at it after taking a break. reaching this number was surreal for me and it made me realise that i wanted to study creative writing in university, which i am now doing!

◇ on may 30th 2020 i graduated high school!   ↳ i graduated with honours and a 4.0 along with a lot of life-long friends that i had made in the two years i spent at my competitive, college-prep private school. i faced a lot of hardships but eventually got through it and i am a better person for it. congratulations to all the graduates who didn’t get the graduation they all dreamed of, you did something spectacular this year!

◇ on august 24th 2020 i started university as a creative writing major!   ↳ 2020 was a crazy year for everyone and it made picking which uni to go to really hard, but there was one uni in particular that loved my admissions essay and wrote to me personally saying they would love to have me in their creative writing program, which really touched me and interested me in this uni. i’ve always been someone who finds academics really important so i had gotten multiple scholarship offers from different “higher ranking” universities, but i was able to learn what was important to me in picking a school that would both foster my learning and make me feel at home.

◇ on september 21st 2020 i got my first ever B on a test!    ↳ and i was really happy about it. in high school i strived to get 100% on every test and would have panic attacks when i got even a single point off. i wish i was joking, but that’s the truth. i’ve always been a perfectionist and i wanted to have a more healthy relationship with my personal expectations in university. being in uni helped me to pace myself academically and learn to juggle doing fun things – like this lovely blog – alongside studying. i still managed to get all As in my final grades for this semester, but i really loved letting myself get Bs and take breaks. 

◇ on october 18th 2020 i reached 2,000 followers on my blog!   ↳ if you read how important reaching 1k to me was, you can probably guess how amazing and emotional this was for me. not only did i have enough followers to fill three of my high schools, but i had made a lot of friends at this point, and that was so special to me. i had also never done a special series to celebrate a milestone, and as i stand here on december 31st with 2,457 followers, i have yet to finish my 2k celebration due to taking a short break from writing. don’t worry though, it’s all coming very soon!

◇ on november 29th 2020 i reached 1,000 notes on a masterlist!  ↳ facade? was my first social media au masterlist to reach 1,000 notes and when that happened, it truly blew my mind. i have no words to describe how special that moment was for me. a lot of people loved it because they resonated with the main character or because they found all the plot twists fun, and i really love that so many people enjoyed it and gave it a chance, despite the general plot being quite common.

◇ on december 7th 2020 i reached 1,000 notes on a fic! ↳ he loves me, he loves me not was my first one shot/fic to reach 1,000 notes and my second fic ever to reach 1k notes, which was literally crazy. so many people have reached out to me about that fic and how much it resonated with them and their experiences, and i just loved that this was the first written fic i ever had reach 1k notes because of the emotional implications.

m u t u a l s 💛

i have so much love and appreciation for you all, it’s unreal. i’m a very shy, often times insecure, and quiet person so i have a hard time reaching out to people. this means that minimal interactions actually mean a lot to me, so please never think that i don’t love or support you guys just because i’m a little quiet. that being said, here are some mutuals who i have gotten to know better in 2020 and a little love letter for you each 💌

@xfirebenderx

💌 nani, you were one of my very first mutuals here on tumblr back when i ulted seventeen and literally never spoke to anyone or interacted with people other than the few anons in my inbox. you made me feel comfortable and welcome here on tumblr, and i’ve always seen you like an older sister figure because of that. your enthusiasm and support are often times unparalleled because you never hold back anything and i am in awe of how lovely you are. thank you for having my back this year and making me feel so supported! 🌟

@chaoticdeobi

💌 bea, you’re such a ray of sunshine and brightness in my life and on my dash, i’m in awe of how much of a social butterfly you are! you were one of the reasons i started writing for the boyz because i felt excited when i read your fics and i was extremely impressed with how immersive your writing was (and still is!). aside from your amazing writing abilities, you’re truly someone who i feel comfortable with even though we haven’t spoken that much privately, and you have an amazing gift of making people feel accepted and at home. thank you for being a wonderful brightness in my life this year! 🌼

@heartyyjeno

💌 alesha, i’ve said this to you many times before but i truly treasure you as a person and as a friend. you are without a doubt one of the most supportive and uplifting people that i’ve met on tumblr, and i can always rely on you to make me feel like i’m loved and a good writer, especially on days where i feel like i’m neither. i know that 2020 has been a struggle for you and i wish i could have done more to support you, so i hope you take this love letter as evidence of how loved you are and how much i cherish you as a person and as a friend. thank you for being my rock this year! 🌷

@httpsohnpouts

💌 rosie, you are someone who is very dear to me and i always feel so lucky to be your friend! we’ve spoken quite a bit this year and i loved getting to know you and finding out we stan/ult so many of the same groups! i loved gushing over dark haired eric, seunghoon from cix, and blackpink’s comebacks with you this year so much because it made me feel much closer to you! you’re always one of the first people i send love chains to on tumblr and i just really appreciate your lovely energy every time we interact. thank you for being a caring friend for me this year! 🌹

@stealerz

💌 qiu, first of all your url change is absolutely adorable and i’m a huge fan. second of all, your writing is so stunning and it was also another reason why i wanted to start writing for the boyz this year! you’re somebody who i often see on my dash and try to interact with, and it always feels a little surreal when you gush over my writing because i look up to you in that sense. you are such a lovely friend who i don’t talk to very often because i’m shy, but i feel like you’re always around to remind me that you support me and just make me feel loved here on tumblr. thank you for being an inspiration to me and sending me so many cheerful love chains on tumblr this year! 🌻

@neoskidz (i wasn’t sure which of your blogs to tag so i’ll add @chocolattees just in case)

💌 elsie, i always feel undeserving of your hype and excitement when you comment on my fics or leave me lovely asks in my inbox to sing my (absolutely undeserving) praises. you’re someone who seems very bright and warm-hearted so i always feel comfortable around you, and i only wish i could have praised you and given you as much love as you did for me in 2020. i love when you randomly pop up in my inbox and i love to hear about how you’re doing because i feel like it’s the least i can do to show you that i support you and am always interested to hear what you’re up to! thank you for reminding me that friends can come from anywhere and for always being so compassionate this year! 💐

@deobienthusiast

💌 k, i always look forward to when you reach the latest chapter of my social media fics because i’m always living to hear your reactions to them! i always feel so lucky that you interact with me and reach out so much because i’m shy and it makes it a lot easier for me to talk to you and actually get to know you. i love that we stan so many of the same groups and can always gush about cix and the boyz together, especially when we tag each other under any posts that have to do with blond baejin. you are honestly someone who i feel very relaxed with because we talk so often and have so many of the same interests, i really appreciate your presence in my life. thank you for being someone who i can talk to about my fics and all of our bias wreckers this year! 🌈

@atbzkingdom

💌 dee, i’ve said this before but you’re a literal ray of sunshine to me and you warm me up like the sun with all of our interactions. i always love to hear your comments about my fics because you never hold back and always unleash so much excitement onto me that i can’t help but reciprocate and allow myself to get super hype and happy. you have an ability to make me open up and actually feel excited about my friendships here on tumblr and my own writing, which can be really hard for me sometimes. i’m blessed that you look up to me and i have to say that i absolutely look up to you as well, in more ways than just your writing! thank you for being my personal hype-man and helping me come out of my shell this year! ✨

@lsangyeons

💌 yu, i think you are seriously so damn talented it’s actually unbelievable. not only are you an amazing writer but your designs, sketches and other amazing works of art are just so inspiring and i find it incredible that you’re so multifaceted. you’re always someone who i think very genuinely wants to know how i’m doing and is always ready to catch up and share what you’re working on with me, and i find that really illuminating and fun because you’re so talented. thank you for reaching out to me so often and making me feel comforted this year! ❄️

@fairyoftbz

💌 rosy, i am totally kicking myself right now for not reaching out as often as i wanted to because i feel like we get along well and we could be really close if i wasn’t so shy and bad at keeping up with my asks/mentions. i think you’re a lovely person and i’ve felt so fortunate to have gotten to know you better this year. as i mentioned before, you’re a very thoughtful person and i look forward to getting to know you better in 2021! thank you for being a supportive friend to me this year! 🪐

@sunlightwoo

💌 gina, i adore you, and that’s the absolute truth. i’ve been so happy that we were able to connect this year and become friends because you are a fiercely supportive and lovely mutual to have. i have to thank the kpop gods for getting you to start standing the boyz so we could meet and be friends after all this time. i love how you yell and gush about my fics because it makes me feel like i’m actually writing something people like and not just rubbish that i come up with in my head, and you make me feel grounded and supported, which i can only hope to reciprocate just as enthusiastically to you! thank you for being a fiercly kind and supportive friend to me this year! 🌠

here are some people who i haven’t interacted with much (because, like i’ve said, i’m terribly shy and don’t interact with people much in general (feel free to reach out though i would love to chat 🥺)) but still wanted to mention! i love and appreciate you all for replying to my posts, recommending my fics or just posting really amazing content here on tumblr for us all to enjoy, and that i’d love to get to know you better in 2021!! @1ovejisung​ @jenoleeaesthetic @thepixelelf​ @honeycobie​ @tbzwurld​ @meltingjukyu​ @mae-gi-writes​ if i’ve forgotten everyone i’m terribly sorry but also very jetlagged and bad at keeping track of my friends xx

a n o n s 🦋

i’m grateful to everyone who joined my anon list this year and i’ve genuinely enjoyed all of our interactions so much! i wanted to give a short thank you to a few specific anons but i also love my other anons, 🐝 anon, 🧸 anon, 💫 anon, 🦋 anon, 🥯 anon, 🍇 anon, 🌜 anon, 💒 anon, and 🦕 anon a lot and appreciate you all! thank you for joining my anon list and i hope we can continue to get to know each other in 2021!

🤍 anon 💌 you always check on me and ask me how i’m doing, and i feel so comfortable around you it’s like talking to a friend. we always talk about anything and everything and i appreciate that you’ve been such a constant in my life this year!

🌱 anon 💌 my sweet deobi 🌱 anon! i love gushing about the boyz and my social media fics with you, it’s always so fun to see how passionate you are and it’s honestly everything to me.

🐹 anon 💌 you really feel like a sibling or a friend to me because you’re always telling me to take care of myself and encouraging me to take breaks and be happy. i want everything that you encouraged me to do for you as well and i hope that you take care of yourself and stay healthy/safe!

🐱 anon 💌 literally the absolutely king/queen of getting involved in my fics and gushing to me about how every chapter made you feel. i love seeing your responses and i’m always so touched when you leave me simple messages telling me to have a good weekend or asking me to be your friend. we are absolutely, 100% friends my love!

🔮 anon 💌 you’re my most recent anon but i feel like we’ve known each other forever now! we talk quite often and i always love it when i see the little 🔮 emoji in my inbox because i love how enthusiastic and understanding you are. thank you for deciding to join my anon list so we could become closer!

f o l l o w e r s   a n d   r e a d e r s 💘

i doubt that all 2,457 of my followers are going to see this, but i’m going to write this as if you all will anyway. thank you for being here and for caring about my content enough to hit the follow button. numbers don’t mean much and are quite arbitrary, but i still think that it’s amazing that there are 2,457 of you cuties who put up with me. to those of you who don’t follow me but read my fics/like and reblog my posts, thank you. i personally see those things as small praises and/or appreciations for my efforts and i wish i could tag you all here to tell you that i love and appreciate you, but tumblr won’t let me and i think most of you wouldn’t want that either. i couldn’t make a love letter to the people that shaped my 2020 without addressing all of you, so i hope that some of you decided to give this a read. i appreciate you and i want you here, healthy, and safe on this planet. please take care of yourselves as i would love to take care of you. x

[leggomylino]

Welcome, Welcome, 2021

Big sigh.

The goal was originally for me to make a new year’s post on Jan. 3rd, the date of my official return, however...after being tagged in so many kind and awe-inspiring posts, I just had to do one before midnight.

2020 was a crazy year. We all know. Personally, there were so many ups and downs-- either my highest highs or my lowest of lows-- that looking back, I get nothing but headaches. 😂 Still, it was, ahem,

a year,

and I think (I hope) we all got some kind of fulfillment from it and learned a lot. But I think it’s safe to say, on behalf of everyone, that we’re ready to send 2020 on her merry way and tell her kindly, “don’t let the door hit you where the good Lord split you.” <3

Alright then! The following is a list of people I wish to personally thank-- if I forget anyone, I am sorry, please know I love and am thankful to all of my followers, mutuals, and friends, and I am...well, spaghetti-brained to a fault sometimes. If flighty was a person, she’d be me.

~~~

In an attempt at organizing this in alphabetical order...

@calicoyang​ - EMMM~ We def need to talk more, but sis, I so appreciate you supporting my MBTI chats and just chatting with me in general. You’re a lovely gal, and I’m looking forward to getting to speak to you more this next year. I’m truly wishing you the best! 🌟 

@changbinniee​ - Sweet Noe 🥺💖 One of the very best, like no one ever was. Thank you for being you, for being a sunlight that brightens the days of others, and for being another squadmate in Celi’s Never-ending Stories of MBTI. 😂✨ You’re a true one sis, and I love your enthusiasm and support for helping others: it’s truly admirable. I hope that you have a blessed and safe 2021; let’s you, I, and everyone get this bread!!! 🍞✨❤    

@cotccotc​ - Veve 🥺❤ You were someone that I knew, instantly, I wanted to be friends with. Your warm and bubbly energy is contagious, and you’re so, SO blessed with talent and a wonderful hard-working ethic, I really think you’re gonna go far one day. I wish all the best for you. Thanks for reaching back out to me and being my friend, ily <3 

@crscendoforsung​ - Young Soro ✨ I think you have a beautiful mind, just as many INTJs do. But you know what? This is more personal because, it’s you! I know we don’t know each other personally, but I always have this strong sense that deep down, you’re a brave person. You go through a lot. But keep fighting that good fight! Never lose hope, and know that if you ever need it, even from miles away, you can come to me for help, prayers, and petition. I will always be rooting for you, your growth, your happiness, your health, and your family. <3 I hope 2021 treats you well!!!

@dulc3-p3riculum - This girl...sis you know I love you I’m not gonna go off or else we’d be here all day LOL; a true friend who I’ve known for a long time. She is my rock on this earth.

@freckledberries​ - Her name was grace, but in this case, it’s Jules! <3 Still, grace is such a fitting word for how I often see you. Despite struggles, you keep on persevering, you’ve got a wicked sense of sarcasm that makes me laugh, and I’m so so excited for the many new adventures and learning experiences that await you in 2021. Thank you for being my friend, and one of the people to indulge in my long never-ending Ted Talks of MBTI 😂💕 Much love and peace to you, sis @hanniiesuckle17 - H u n t e r 💫 You’ve always been very supportive of me, and from the beginning when I needed someone to help develop and examine my ideas, I knew I could count on you. It’s crazy to think how our friendship kinda just popped off and went on a spiral of twists and turns 😂 I’m very thankful to have met you <3

@iiasha​ - Even if we go a while without speaking, I’m always supporting and cheering for you, I fangirl when I see your amazing art, and I know you do the same for me 😂💖 Thank you for always picking back up with me and helping me out when I need it, I love hearing from you, watching you grow from afar, and I wish you a happy and safe 2021, Zero 🥑💞

@peachyhan​ - It’s been a while, Nalida 🥺💞 You’re still on my mind, tho! Your perseverance and pursuit of writing has and always will be one of the many things driving me forward. You’re in my thoughts and prayers-- and I wish you the best this coming 2021. <3

@pixielix​ - You, my dear, are an angel 😭💞 We don’t converse too often, but you’ve always been so sweet, open, and kind to me. To Miss Angie, thank you, from the bottom of my heart. May 2021 be as kind to you as you have to me, and by that I mean, THE VERY BEST <3 <3 <3 Also, let’s talk more! :D

@skzctnightnight​ - OOF Miss Bel!!! You’re like, a wise and down-to-earth mother-ing figure I really appreciate being around. You’re so bubbly and kind, and yet, you have an aura that keeps everyone grounded and on task. I love your honesty, your forthright, and I madly respect the fact that you’re always there to fairly sort out the good and the bad and everything in between of any given situation. You’ve helped me grow and given me an ear when I really just needed someone to hear me out, and show me a glimmer of hope...for that, I’ll never forget your kindness and since I’m getting choked up right now, I’m gonna cut this right here before I can no longer see my screen and wish you a happiest new year!!! (Please tell the Mister I said Happy New Year too!)

@stayndays - Miss Nana. When is it you’ll stop teasing me about being a Ch*n stan?! 😫 Survey says likely never, but, I think I’d be okay with that if it means I can keep being your friend. You have the wildest air of maturity and selfawareness about you, sometimes it’s almost 😳😳 ...offputting? I think awe-inspiring is a better word. You inspire me to do well and keep writing, keep thriving, and to always consider those endless possibilities. To you, I wish a blessed, safe, and happiest 2021 💕

@yangomangos - You’ve been a sweetheart ever since we met, and I remember being so nervous to talk to you for the longest time 😂😅 I’m so glad we finally started talking, tho; you’ve been true, and for that, I thank you. Happy 2021, dear! <3

To all my writing networks: @skzwriternet , @inkidz , @districtninewriters , @stayracha-net , thank you for accepting me into your guilds and supporting/sharing my work. I would also like to thank you all for providing me with environments where I can meet fellow writers/kpop stans, make friends, and grow; in addition, thank you for all your hard work (as running a whole network is no easy feat), and I hope you’ll continue to support and take care of us writers and content creators this next coming year. <3

Finally-- in case I forgot anyone, or if you are a follower, supporter, mutual, reader-- thank you, from the bottom of my heart. You are equally just as important to me and this blog as the people above; whether you got a message or not, please know that you mean something to me, and I sincerely thank you. And, of course, Happy New Year!!! 🎉✨ God bless. 🕊❤ 

[violetwolfraven]

41 for javid would work so perfectly ahfkfjxhsga and/or 34, whichever one u want 🥺🥺🥺

I was scared to come out and ask you out because I didn’t know our entire friend group was gay but I definitely know now???

and

We broke up but I found the letters you wrote me before that and I still love you so wanna get back together? (did I copy this from one specific fic I read? Possibly.)

Ok! Buckle in your seatbelts, y’all! This is gonna be a MASSIVELY LONG THING! Also @61-flaming-sour-cherry-scones I love your url. Just getting that out there. Modern AU, btw. Also does this end in December, 2019, conveniently avoiding COVID? Possibly! :)

...

Jack didn’t mean to find that box, but in his defense, it was not hidden well. Just in the back of his closet, which he hadn’t cleaned out since... damn. Since the breakup.

And Jack was fine with said breakup, by the way. Him and Davey weren’t right together anymore.

And Jack didn’t smile less, or work himself harder as a distraction, or whatever bullshit his brothers, mom, and all his friends said.

If Davey never texted first anymore, or barely even talked when friends asked him to hang out or whatever, that was none of Jack’s business.

Jack had texted Davey exactly once since the breakup, because Elmer had told him that he had an anxiety attack in a bar, which he was only there in the first place because he was designated driver.

Davey had said he was fine, and that meant he was, right?

Davey had not mentioned anything about leaving a shoebox in Jack’s closet. As a matter of fact, he hadn’t mentioned it, ever.

Did it sting that Jack’s ex had kept a secret box of... something? from him? Maybe. Whatever the case, Jack was curious by nature, and he was definitely opening the box.

It was... letters? Sealed letters in envelopes, the earliest one on the very top, in one corner of the box. The only thing written on it was a date; September 7th, 2011.

That would be... 8th grade? Probably the first day of school? Jack was super confused. Still, he opened the letter.

Dear Jack Kelly,

I know this is terrible and corny and I’m probably going to shred this letter with the pocket knife Sarah got for our last birthday, but I had to write it down somewhere.

I think I’m gay. Specifically, gay for you. And I know that’s weird, I can’t stop thinking about you. You’re like the living personification of the moon. (Not the sun. I’ve never understood why people compare their crush to the sun. Nobody likes looking directly at that.) You saw me sitting alone before school and you took me in. I mean it. You brought me over to your friend group and said I was a new kid who was going to be your friend now, and the whole group just adopted me without questioning it. All of you are so nice. At first I thought it was a trick, but then I saw you comforting Blink when he had a panic attack. (Also, I’m still getting used to the nickname thing. That’s still weird and I’m not sure how I feel about the one you gave me.) You were so gentle with him, Jack. You knew exactly how to calm him down and you were so patient with him while you helped Mush drive the fear away. I didn’t think boys our age knew how to be like that. I do now, because of you. Well, and because of Race being, well, Race. I don’t think anyone could mistake him for a bully. Or Crutchie. Or Romeo. Heck, most of your group is just so nice I can barely believe it. I think I’ll bring Saz to meet you tomorrow. She already made a friend, but she said that this girl, Katherine, said she already knows you. Maybe we can all be friends.

I really wish we could be more, but I know that would never work. I can’t tell anyone I’m gay. You’d think I’m a freak. But since you’ll never read this, I can admit it here: I have a massive crush on you, Jack Kelly.

Sincerely, David Davey

Jack was not going to let himself cry about a letter written in 8th fucking grade. He was, however, very confused about why it was in his closet.

A letter from before Davey was out of the closet found in the closet. If Jack wasn’t so goddamn depressed, he would appreciate the irony.

The next letter was dated: September 24th, 2011.

Dear Jack,

We’re all friends now. Gotta say, I already can’t imagine my life without you and the other guys. And maybe I didn’t meet Kath that first day, but she’s probably my best friend, besides you, of course. She’s the only other one with brain cells, besides maybe Specs. Us three had to talk you and the others out of riding a shopping cart Albert stole from Walmart down a hill yesterday. Honestly, would it kill you to be a little smarter? I know for a fact you can be, Jack Kelly. You and the others actually have a fair amount of brain cells each when apart. It’s only when the only group gets together that you all do stupid stuff.

I didn’t shred the first letter. I think maybe I’ll keep these and we can look back someday and laugh about me having a crush on you in middle school. Don’t worry. I’ll find a way to get over it before it ruins our friendship.

I honestly don’t see how I’d survive losing you, Jack. So, please, do me a favor and keep being oblivious to how I really feel about you until I digest those butterflies you give me.

Sincerely, Davey

Damn. Reading that was like a punch to the chest and Jack had to take a deep breath before moving on to the next letter.

The next few were just mundane stuff. Little notes on how Jack laughed or interacted with certain friends or whatever. The way he painted each friend something little for the holidays and how they all had a picnic potluck for Thanksgiving.

Then he got to one that was different: January 22nd, 2012. It was written in a panicked, hurried script.

Oh, damn. Jack remembered what this was about. What happened January of 8th grade.

Dear Jack,

Something’s wrong. You’re on my couch right now, crying. I don’t know what’s going on, but you’re trying to put on a brave face for Les and failing miserably. Medda didn’t have time to say much when she dropped you, Crutchie, Race, and Romeo off, so all I really know is that Blink is in the hospital and she’s gonna pick up Mush before going to see him. Crutchie is trying to comfort you, by the way, but he’s crying nearly as much as you are. Race and Ro are in shock, I think. They haven’t said much. Sarah’s making them hot cocoa. I’m in my room, writing this really quick because I don’t know what I can do. You’re so good at comforting people, but I don’t know how. I wish I knew how you did it. I think I’ll go try one of the things I’ve seen you do with panic attacks. It’s got to be better than nothing.

The rest was calmer, clearly written later.

It turns out Blink is in the hospital because his dad put him there. And he wouldn’t be alive at all if he didn’t call Mush in a panic right when he heard him get home. Mush called the cops and they barely got there in time. Blink was already half-dead when they did, but they managed to keep him alive long enough to get an ambulance. God, I don’t want to think about what would’ve happened if they’d been just a little bit slower.

Medda called you a couple hours ago to let us all know that Blink is in bad shape, but he’s gonna be okay. She’s gonna try to file for custody of him, but Mush’s mom is gonna try, too, just to give him twice as much chance of staying with us. His dad is in jail, but you and me agree that he deserves to die for what he did. In the selfie Blink made Mush send the group chat, there was more bandage visible on his face than skin. It made me so damn angry, but I didn’t show it because you were so angry you almost punched a hole in my wall.

I’ve made a decision, Jack. I can’t be separate from the group anymore. I always hang with Kath off to the side where we can intervene as the voices of reason if needed, but I’m not going to do that anymore, because I. can. not. do this again. I want our friends to trust me like they trust you so maybe if one of them is in a house with a dad that would beat them within an inch of their life, they’ll tell me and I can get them out.

I guess that means I’ll have to get better at lying. I’ve been staying separate mostly to hide my crush. And I think I’m pretty good at that, but being right at the center of things, with you? I’ll have to be careful to make sure no one notices. Especially not you. I hope I can pull it off.

You definitely aren’t making it easy on me, are you? You’re passed out in my bed, for heaven’s sake. But it’s fine. This is fine. I’m fine.

Sincerely, Davey

Jack remembered that night as one of the worst of his life. He’d thought Blink was dead by how Mush sounded when he called. And even though it turned out he wasn’t, he was going to be okay even if he lost an eye, after Jack’s childhood, he’d always hated when he couldn’t protect the people he loved.

Davey had been the one to reach him in that bad place he fell back to, the one where people he loved, kids he considered his little brothers, were getting hurt. Davey had pulled him out of there, and though it would take Jack months to realize it, that was the day he started to fall in love with him.

The next Monday, though, Jack had tried to give him space. Knowing how intimidating it all had to seem, he wasn’t sure if Davey would bail on them.

But he didn’t. Jack had never stopped appreciating how Davey had seen the darkness under the innocent, normal friendship and stayed anyway.

The next few letters were mostly a lot of pining on Davey’s side as he struggled to integrate himself more deeply into the group.

Jack still remembered that shift, how once Davey earned the others’ trust, Jack had gone from being the only one everyone was relying on to half of a pair that a lot of their friends had jokingly called ‘mom and dad.’

It was kind of sad, knowing that for most of them, Jack and Davey gave them more love and attention than their actual parents did, but the two of them would have to do—and they had. For a long time, the two of them were an unstoppable duo of hugs and snacks and homework help.

The letter from June 15th, 2012, had weird spots on it, almost like... almost like tear-marks. It was shorter than the previous ones.

Dear Jack,

Saz just came bouncing into my room to announce that she’s going with you to the Eighth Grade Dance.

I don’t know why I’m sad about it. I knew you and me would never be a thing.

But it still hurts, Jackie. It hurts so much.

I’m going with the rest of the group, just as friends. No one has dates except you, and I think maybe Romeo.

Jack knew for a fact that Blink and Mush had gone together because he remembered accidentally walking in on their first kiss, but apparently, Davey hadn’t known that.

Les is knocking on my door, so I’m gonna have to drop my math textbook on the floor really loudly so I can tell him I’m crying because I fell.

Sincerely, Davey

There wasn’t another letter until 4 months later, Octobe 16th, 2012.

Dear Jack,

So. Something weird just happened. Saz just came into my room and said she’s not going with you to Homecoming because you’re going with Kath. I tried to comfort her, but she didn’t seem sad about it?

She asked me if I wanted to go with anyone and seemed surprised I said I didn’t. (Not like I’m telling her a part of me wishes I could go with you.) Then she mentioned that Blink and Mush are going together, and I don’t see why she cares because if you don’t have a date why not go with a friend, right? Why do girls have to be so confusing?

Sincerely, Davey

Oh. Oh, God.

By the beginning of freshman year, Blink and Mush hadn’t been the only gay couple in their friend group.

Albert and Finch had gotten together over the summer, and so had Smalls and Sniper.

Romeo and Specs were in the ‘flirting terribly’ phase, and though Jack didn’t know it at the time, Race was already sneaking around with Spot by that point.

Ike had asked Hotshot to that Homecoming, though they wouldn’t officially become boyfriends until almost a year later, Buttons and Elmer became official at that dance, and Jojo and Mike had that falling out because of misread signals towards the end of it.

Hell, Jack only went to that dance with Kath because she couldn’t let her parents know she was actually going with Saz.

Homecoming freshman year was... eventful, to say the least.

And Davey had known exactly none of this. That... explained a lot.

Being only freshmen, none of the couples were exactly casual in their relationships. They didn’t kiss in front of people, and a few were too embarrassed to so much as sit next to each other at lunch. With the ones who weren’t embarrassed, it still honestly wasn’t much more than the affection they all already showed among friends.

God, if Jack had known how scared Davey was to come out, as he said in the next few letters, he would have... what? Told him he loved him right then and there? Probably not, but he would have done something differently.

The next really significant letter was dated December 11th 12th, 2012.

Dear Jack,

I have no idea what to think.

I’m in the bathroom right now, and it’s just after midnight on 12/12/12. You and your brothers threw a party in case the world ended with the whole friend group. It was kind of like a New Year’s party, but with a lot more cynical talk about the coming apocalypse and bet placing on what said apocalypse would be. Towards the end, we all got caught up in the drama and sleep-deprivation and started giving speeches about how much we loved each other. It was cringy, but in a good way? I’m sure we’ll laugh about it someday.

Or maybe we won’t. Because I have no idea what to think anymore.

Oh, shit. This was the part Jack was kind of dreading reading.

I’ve been terrified to come out because I thought I’d get kicked out of the group if you guys knew I was gay.

Which was why it was such a shock when the countdown to midnight ended and half my friends kissed friends of the same gender.

Jack remembered yelling at them to break it up. He’d been so busy being exasperated with his kids that he hadn’t even noticed Davey had slipped away until Crutchie pointed it out.

It was quick, so I don’t think I could name all the pairs if I tried, but I definitely saw Sarah kiss Kath, which, honestly, explains a lot.

I can’t help but wonder... Why didn’t anyone tell me? How long has this been going on? Has it been since the beginning and I was just too oblivious to see it?

Oh my God. Now that I’m looking for it, I can’t stop seeing it. The way Blink is defensive and angry all the time and he’s soft for Mush. The way Sarah hates spending time on her hair and she’ll sit for hours letting Kath try out styles on her. The way Buttons and Elmer just do little things for each other every day. None of them are subtle and I am an idiot.

Jack had to laugh at that.

Does this mean I should come out, too? I know now no one would judge me for it, but... I don’t want to mess things up. I love our friends, and I don’t want to lose them. If I lost them, now, it would be because I like you, specifically. Would you be disgusted with me if I told you?

“No,” Jack whispered, before remembering that this was 14-year-old Davey, and he wasn’t here.

I like to think you wouldn’t be, but I can’t risk it. If I lose you, I lose all of them. And if I have doubts about if I could live through losing you, I definitely can’t survive losing everyone. I love them all so much. I love you.

Jack sucked in a breath. As far as he knew, this was the first time Davey had ever said anywhere that he loved Jack.

But I can’t tell you that. So if I come out, it definitely won’t be by saying who I like.

Love, Davey

Jack totally wasn’t crying as he reached for the next letter. It was just current events, random stuff. There were certainly a lot of letters, weren’t there? Davey had documented everything, from Jack attempting to teach him to draw, to the time they both auditioned for the school play, to that time they had to talk Jojo off a ledge when he realized he loved Mike. That one was short but bad. (Honestly, Jack still hated Jojo’s super religious parents for that. Fuck Jojo’s parents.)

Davey did come out in a letter from almost six months later, but it wasn’t until Homecoming sophomore year that things started getting really interesting.

Dear Jack,

I honestly might never talk to you again outside these letters. Sarah’s banging on my door telling me to, and I’m quoting her here, “open the fuck up, David Jacobs.” Mom’s yelling back at her to watch her language. They’re now having a screamed bitching match in the hallway.

Long story short, we were at Homecoming and you asked me to dance. My brain kind of short-circuited, but I said yes right as a slow song came on. Shockingly, you didn’t seem to mind, and you danced with me to Photograph by Ed Sheeran.

Oh, God, Jack remembered that song. It had been their song. He still couldn’t listen to it anymore.

You were singing along to it and smiling at me. It was really sweet, and it was kind of my dream, to be honest, and I guess I lost all control of my body for a second because I kissed you during the last chorus and I didn’t stop kissing you until the end of the song.

Jack remembered that like it was yesterday, because it was their first kiss. It was a million perfect colors exploding across Jack’s brain and feelings he could barely identify swirling into a moment more beautiful than any painting he could ever create.

Then a faster song came on and I don’t know if anyone saw, but I really hope they didn’t because if they did that means they saw what happened next. Which is: I ran away. I ran all the way to my car and drove home and locked myself in my room. Sarah came home not 5 minutes later, so I think she knows, but it doesn’t matter. I don’t know how I can face you after this. In hindsight I think you were kissing me back, and if you were that means I just ran out on you and it probably hurt when I did. If not, that’s even worse because I kissed you and you probably just didn’t pull away out of pity.

Holy shit, I think you’re here, now. I can hear you outside my door with Saz, and maybe Kath, too. She’s trying to calm her down, which, honestly, good luck, Kath. Wait. No. Shit. I guess being her girlfriend has its benefits. It’s just you, now. You’re talking really softly, but I can’t understand you through the door. This is why we enunciate, Jackie.

Jack rolled his eyes on reflex.

I’m still pretty scared, but I think I’m gonna open the door. Scratch that, I’m definitely gonna open it. If you yell at me, I’ll probably yell right back. Funny, isn’t it? How I never would have done that before meeting you? If we have a huge fight, remember that you’re the one who taught me not to censor myself. David never would have even opened that door, but Davey is your monster. Good luck. I’ve out-argued you before, Jackie, so you’ll need it.

I should stop stalling and open the damn door.

If you break my heart, Jack Kelly, I’m going to kill you.

Love, Davey

Reading that last sentance, Jack froze.

If you break my heart, Jack Kelly, I’m going to kill you.

Time was a bitch, because by all accounts, they were both broken-hearted, now.

Jack wiped away his tears and realized there was a little bit more writing.

P.S. I guess you get to live, Jackie, because we had a talk and you kissed me again and now we’re together. Like, boyfriends. I can’t stop smiling. It’s stupid. I’m probably not going to sleep tonight and it’s all your fault because my stomach is full of butterflies and I can’t stop thinking about how much I love you.

Jack didn’t let himself process that, going for the next letter instead.

Oh, shit. November 1st, 2013. This was going to be a bad one. Still, Jack took a deep breath and started reading.

Dear Jack,

Well, today was emotionally draining. (Halloween was fun, but what came after definitely is not.) It’s already past midnight, but it’s okay because I’m sleeping over at your house tonight. After Saz and I explained the situation, Mom and Dad agreed we should. God, said situation it makes me so angry.

Katherine’s parents kicked her out. They found out about her and Sarah, made her pack a bag, and tossed her away like she was nothing.

She’s 16. She’s a goddamn child like the rest of us. How could they do that to her? I guess it’s good she’s out of that environment, where she has to hide who she is and walk on eggshells with every conversation, but she’s on your couch right now, crying so hard she can’t even drink the tea Medda made her. Sarah and you are trying to calm her down, but I hate seeing her like this. Kath always seems kind of unshakable, like nothing anyone says will get to her. I’ve never seen her this broken. Judging by the look you’re giving me from across the room, you haven’t, either.

You think I’m making a grocery list. Medda told me to, seeing as how she’s busy helping clean out your guest room, Saz is on ‘shoulder to cry on’ duty, and I’m the only boy who lives with a girl. Kath didn’t get to pack much more than a couple of outfits and her toothbrush.

You know what? Fuck it. You and me are her parents, now. You’re good with that, right? We’re already stand-in Mom and Dad for several of our friends—what’s one more? Ha ha, you and me have so much practice already that we are going to be great parents for real one day.

Jack sucked in a breath. Real parents? As in, the two of them staying together long enough to have kids?

Wow. That is wildly inappropriate to think about when we’re literally a couple of 15-year-olds. Also, it makes me think about how Kath is technically a few months older, but whatever. I guess I should actually make that grocery list, now, and stop daydreaming about a hypothetical future while one of our kids now is sobbing across the room from me.

Love, Davey

Davey had never even told Jack he wanted kids.

Sure, they were both a little young for that, but in the future..? Jack had always been scared that he wouldn’t be a good dad, after never having a good dad, himself, but sophomore year Davey was right. He had gotten a fair amount of practice with his friends.

That night, when Kath showed up at the Larkin house, crying so hysterically the makeup from her Halloween costume was running and saying she didn’t know where else to go, Davey was the first person Jack called. Him and Sarah had shown up not fifteen minutes later, probably having been lucky not to pick up a speeding ticket (or you know, gotten arrested for underage driving without an adult) on the way.

15-year-old Davey was right. That night was the most broken Jack had ever seen Katherine. Even if it had worked out okay in the end, with Kath staying with them and being their new sister in every way but on paper, Jack still kind of wanted to throat-punch her parents.

It was... oddly comforting, to know that Davey felt the same. He hadn’t shown it back then, knowing Kath needed him calm, but... to be honest, Jack would have feared an angry Davey Jacobs more than an angry Jack Kelly. You’d get punched by an angry Jack, but an angry Davey? He was smart enough to burn down your world. Jack smirked, thinking about how lucky the Pulitzers were that Davey possessed impulse control.

Most of the rest of the letters were just Davey talking about their relationship as it evolved or recounting whatever drama happened to be going on, (with one in the middle of junior year that was basically just ‘wtf Race is secretly dating Spot Conlon???’) because as the only group of out gays in the school, a few of whom happened to be in not-so-good homes, there was always drama.

Then came the stress of senior year, SATs, and college applications. Davey and Jack had a few fights, which were all well documented here. 17-year-old Jack and Davey hadn’t known that those fights were the beginning of the end.

The letter dated June 5th, 2016 was the one that finally made Jack cry for real .

Dear Jack,

We’re fighting again. We have before, but this time, it’s actually serious.

I get that you’re going to school in Santa Fe and I’m staying in New York. What—did you expect me to follow you all the way across the country? I’m not asking you to stay, because that wouldn’t be fair of me. You’ve got dreams and a scholarship to an art school and that is great. I’m happy for you. But I’m not going with you, because why would I? I’ve got dreams, too. Did you think I would put my life on hold for you?

We can’t stay kids forever, Jackie. Growing up means things change. I thought you knew that. Our friends are spreading out across the country and most of the couples aren’t going to be in the same state. Hell, Specs is going to Harvard in Massachusetts and Romeo is moving to Hollywood to go try his luck and they’re not having problems. If your own brother can do the long-distance thing, why can’t you?

I’m scared, too. I don’t want to lose you, either. I know doing a long-distance thing won’t be easy, but when was the last time either of us gave up just because it was hard? Jackie, if I wanted something easy, I would have bailed after we almost lost Blink. My love for you aside, I didn’t because that’s. not. me. I fight for what I love. And I know you do, too, so... so fight for me. I need to know you love me enough to fight for me, Jackie.

I know you. When you want something—really want it, there is not a force in this world that can stop you from fighting for it. I love you, Jack Kelly. I’m not going to stop fighting for you, so please don’t stop fighting for me.

Love, Davey

Jack choked on a sob. He’d failed. Davey had asked him to fight for him and he failed.

Sure, he hadn’t known that Davey wanted him to fight for him, but... God, if he had...

Jack would have fought, would have walked through hell, would have done anything to keep Davey by his side.

He still loved Davey, no matter what he’d been telling himself since the breakup, and... And he needed to read the rest of these letters. Even if Davey started hating him when the fighting got really bad or wrote about what he was feeling during it.

Shit. There weren’t that many more. The remaining letters were spread out somewhere between high school graduation and when Jack and Davey broke up; a year and a half ago, and... and those would probably be the hardest ones to read

Jack waited a bit until the tears had stopped before opening the one from November 20th, 2016.

Dear Jack,

I haven’t wrote one of these in a while. College has been a bitch, but also...

You and me barely talk anymore. We text each other memes about once a week, (don’t worry. you still know exactly how to make me laugh with those dumb little shitposts.) but we don’t really talk. I can’t remember the last time we FaceTimed. I miss you, but I don’t know how to say it anymore.

I’m thinking about this because it’s Thanksgiving break. Of course, it’s good to see everyone. Kath got home this morning. I didn’t realize how much I’d missed her. Elmer texted me a couple minutes ago that he’s an hour away. Of course that dumbass is driving all the way from Michigan. I’m sure we’ll both have more than enough words for him when you get back because you’re flying in tonight.

I don’t know how I feel about that. I should be excited, but... I don’t think I’ve been this nervous about anything involving you since I ran away after our first kiss. I think I preferred it last year, when we were fighting, because even when we were pissed at each other, at least we were communicating.

You remember when we were kids and you always knew exactly what to say exactly when someone needed to hear it? How you helped calm down Kath when she got kicked out, talked Jojo off a roof, and convinced Spot to tell Race he loved him? It was amazing. I never quite mastered that. I usually know what to do, just never how to voice it. But this time, I don’t even know what to do. We’re not on the same page anymore. I don’t think we’re even in the same book.

Jack took a shaky breath. He and Davey hadn’t been on the same page. And Jack definitely hadn’t known what to say to him, either. They weren’t the unstoppable duo they’d been in high school.

But... damn. Those things Davey had mentioned him doing? He couldn’t have done those alone. For all of those, he had needed Davey there, helping him. Maybe that was why it was so hard, being there for anyone since the breakup.

I hate how five years of being an unstoppable duo can be undone in only four months, and it wasn’t even by fighting. If it was a fight, we could solve it, you and me vs. the problem. But there’s no fight, no problem. It’s just you and me and the growing chasm between us.

You know what? It’s probably just the distance messing with us. We’ll be fine. We just need some time together. Thanksgiving will be good for us. And I’m flying out to Santa Fe for the winter holidays to spend it with you, so that’ll be good, too.

I’m gonna text you right now. Your flight probably won’t be leaving for another hour or so, so we can talk. Get back in rhythm.

I still don’t know what to say. I guess I’ll just ask about how hot Santa Fe is in winter and we can go from there. Here’s hoping this makes things get less awkward.

Love, Davey

Jack remembered that text conversation with Davey in the airport. He remembered how much hope it had given him, and how after Jack went back to Santa Fe when the holiday was over, how much better Davey and him had been. That Christmas/Hanukkah had been great, especially considering most of Jack’s classmates were at home and they’d had the dorm to themselves.

Of course their friends and families had known that was why Jack didn’t come home that year, and he distinctly remembered getting texts from all three of his brothers on Christmas morning asking if Davey was good in bed, but that was besides the point.

The next several letters were from their second wind, the rest of the school year. And yeah, they were hard to read, but they brought back happy memories. Even only seeing each other over breaks and computer screens, it seemed that Davey was happy, too. For a while, it had seemed that Jack could have his dreams of art school in Santa Fe and the love of his life.

Then, of course, during that summer of staying together at whichever house more often than not, they started fighting again. Over nothing. Over stupid things. Over who loaded the dishwasher wrong and who said he was going to pick Les up from his friend’s house.

Then they started fighting over big things. Over harsh words Jack never meant and judging by these letters, Davey didn’t meant, either.

August 2nd, 2017:

Dear Jack,

I fucked up. We just had a big fight, I said a bunch of things I didn’t mean, and like an idiot, I let you leave for the airport without apologizing. Now, you’re acting like your phone is already on airplane mode even though I know for a fact your flight doesn’t leave for another hour. Also, I can see that you’ve read all of my texts, you moron, so I know you’re just ignoring me.

Aw, hell, I don’t even blame you. I said some really bad things. I said you love your art more than me, and I know that’s not true. I know you’d never prioritize material things over the people you love, because Jackie, you prioritize those people who have earned your loyalty over everything, including your own mental and physical health. I know because it annoys the hell out of me, how you never give yourself a break. They’re all adults now, Jackie. They don’t need us as much anymore and you never stop acting like they do.

I shouldn’t be angry with you for that. I know with your childhood, trying to protect Crutchie, Race, and Romeo and sometimes failing, you still feel like you have to save everyone. It’s how you’re wired and I love that about you. I wouldn’t change it if I could. I just wish you’d stop running yourself into the ground to do it.

Is this it? I already feel like we’re on borrowed time, here. Sarah says she thought we were going to break up last year. Kath says she’s sure it’s not that bad. (they’re talking about it very loudly in the hallway. or maybe they’re arguing. who knows?) Les just said that my mom said nobody marries their high school sweetheart. (thanks, Mom.)

I think even if we never said it, that’s what we were both hoping for. I know you, Jackie. I’ve watched your favorite romcoms and Disney movies. I know you want the perfect fairytale relationship with the whole package of ‘and they get married and have kids and live happily ever after.’ And I want that, too. I really wanted it with you. Ugh! I still want it with you! I can’t imagine any alternate universe where I don’t want that with you!

It’s probably inappropriate to think about all that. We’re nineteen. We’re not even old enough to drink yet and we’re definitely too young for me to be thinking about marrying you.

Jack inhaled sharply. Oh, God. He was going to cry again.

But for the record... I do want to. I want everything with you and I cannot imagine any circumstance, any extreme, any bad breakup where I stop wanting that.

Just to be safe, though, in case something I can’t foresee happens and I never say it again...

I love you, Jack Kelly. I have loved you from the first day I met you and I can’t see anything happening in any version of reality that makes me stop loving you. You’re still like the living personification of the moon to me and no matter how much you piss me off, Jackie, your glow doesn’t fade. You shined a light on the parts of me afraid of judgement and taught me to shine, too, despite them.

I’ve never loved anyone the way I love you and I probably never will. I just need you to know that.

Love, Davey

Jack was already crying, but he panicked as he realized there was only two more letters.

A part of him wanted to wait. These were words Davey hadn’t spoken to him. These were the last pieces of Davey that were still Jack’s.

But he needed to know. Were these letters from before they actually broke up? After? Had Davey been wrong in the previous letter and he’d stoped loving Jack?

There were no dates on the envelopes. Still, Jack had to know. He took a deep breath and opened the second-to-last one, the paper covered in old, dried tear marks.

Dear Jack,

We had another stupid fight and we tried to fix it but that just ended in more yelling. That’s happened a few times before, now, but this time, it was different.

Oh, no. This must be from the big one Spring Break of their sophomore year of college.

Jack had come home for the break, it had been great to see his friends, but then he and Davey had started fighting. Like, really fighting. Worse than they ever had before.

And then there was the big one. It was two days before Jack flew back to Santa Fe. It was the one where they actually broke up.

This time, you told me to leave. And I kind of yelled at you to just go back to Santa Fe as you shoved me out the door. Then you yelled that if I wanted you to fly away so badly, I shouldn��t bother visiting again and you slammed the door in my face.

I think we just broke up. I’d be angry about it if I wasn’t so damn sad.

God, this is messed up. I know you’re alone on your bed with those stupid Star Wars sheets you’ve had since you were twelve and you locked the door because you don’t want anyone to see you cry. Thinking about that makes me want to run right back there and say I’m sorry.

I wanted to do that the second I got back to my parents’ house, but they convinced me not to. Sarah yelled at them for it. She said I had to make my own decision. They said I’m too emotional to think clearly. They’re right, of course, which is why I’m here writing this and not on my way back to your mom’s house already.

Now, Les is the only one outside my door. Are Crutchie, Race, Romeo, or Kath outside yours? Les is trying to guilt me into opening the door by telling me he cancelled a date for me. I’m not weirded out at all by the fact that my baby brother has way more game than I did when I was fourteen.

Are we really done, Jackie? For good? I keep waiting to hear you out in the hallway. And probably Kath, because she’s a better driver than you. I can’t keep thinking about this. I’m just gonna to go to sleep.

Davey

Jack wiped his eyes furiously. There was one more letter and he needed to read it, consequences be damned.

This last letter was probably from when Davey cooled down. Maybe the next morning or something. If he didn’t hate Jack while he was emotional and raw from the initial breakup, he might in this letter. But Jack opened it, anyway.

My Dearest Jack,

We really are broken up. You haven’t called me, but I got a very angry text-rant from Crutchie (for which he apologized 10 minutes later) which basically boiled down to him saying I broke your heart. Romeo called me, said ‘dude, not cool,’ then hung up. Race and Medda seem to be trying to see both sides, and though Kath did tell me that the last few months have been like ‘listening to mom and dad fight downstairs,’ she’s not offering any advice. I think she and Sarah are waiting for me to come to them.

I’m so sorry, Jackie. I know this is mostly my fault. Still, I can’t make the first move. Don’t forget: I know you. You’re more concerned with other people’s feelings than yours, so if I ask you to take me back and you do it, I can’t be sure you didn’t just do it for me. If we ever get back together, it has to be because you want it, too. However, I know you won’t even consider we could get back together unless I give you a sign, which is why I’m leaving you my letters.

You went back to Santa Fe two weeks ago and I’m finally stable enough to come get my stuff from your house and drop off what little you left in my room. While I’m there, I’m gonna hide this somewhere. I guess we’ll both have to pray no one else in your family finds it. That would be awkward.

When you find this, I want you to think long and hard about what you want, Jackie. I want you to make a decision for you. Goddammit, think about yourself first for once.

If you fight for me, I want you to do it because it’s what you really want. That fairytale romcom ending with me is still yours if you play your cards right. (Don’t think I forgot all the hurtful things you said to me, even if I’m 70% sure you didn’t mean them.) It might take... I dunno, therapy or something, but I still think we can fix this. It won’t be easy, but neither is love. Neither is our entire messed-up, broken group of friends.

I used to think I’d lose all of them if I lost you. Maybe I would have, if I’d messed up like this in 8th grade. But now, I know I won’t, because they’re all blowing up my phone as much as I’m sure they’re blowing up yours, asking if I’m okay. I see now that they need me as much as I need them. And they still need you, too, even if you do need to accept a little more that we’re all grown-ups now.

Where was I going with this? I had a point.

I guess all there’s left to say is that if you still want that perfect ending with me—getting married and having kids and having them call all our friends ‘auntie’ and ‘uncle’—fight for it. Loving someone the way I’m in love with you doesn’t happen twice, so I’m not going anywhere. You know where to find me.

You probably won’t find this for a while. Hell, you’re not even coming home again until summer break. But that’s probably a good thing. It gives us both some time to cool off and think.

So think, Jackie. Think long and hard and make a choice. Fight for me or don’t. In case I never get a chance to say it in person again...

I love you, Jack Kelly.

Love, Davey

Oh shit.

Davey left this in Jack’s closet a year and a half ago. He’d probably expected Jack to find it that summer. In fact, he probably thought Jack had found it and just decided not to fight for him.

Jack still wanted to fight for him. He had no doubts about that.

But did his have to discover this box now? When he was leaving for Santa Fe to finish his senior year tomorrow?

Fuck it. Even if it had been almost two years, even if there was a high chance Davey wasn’t waiting for him anymore, he still had to do this

Driving to the Jacobs house right then and there was probably the stupidest thing Jack had ever done, and that was including riding that Walmart shopping cart Albert stole down a hill in 8th grade with Race, Romeo, and Albert when Davey, Kath, and Specs weren’t there to stop them.

Sarah was the one who opened the door, and she... Jack hadn’t talked to Saz since the breakup, since she’d been staying mad at him out of solidarity. Honestly, he was now realizing that he’d missed her nearly as much as he’d missed Davey. They’d been good friends, once upon a time.

Now, she glared at him, “The fuck are you doing here, Kelly?”

“I...” Jack honestly couldn’t think of a good way to explain this, “Is he home?”

Sarah snorted, “What? After a year and a half, you’ve finally come to your senses and realized you’ll never find another one like my brother?”

“I never planned on anyone like him in the first place,” Jack snapped, “Davey was always... even back in middle school... You think I’d ever believe I could find someone else like that? I’m dumb, Saz, but I ain’t stupid. I always knew I was givin’ up on forever when I didn’t try to get him back, but... but I thought he didn’t want me anymore.”

Sarah froze, then leaned against the doorframe, laughing kind of hopelessly, “You are stupid, Jack Kelly, if you think my brother wasn’t totally gone for you and totally broken-hearted when you didn’t try to fight for him.”

Jack definitely had an oh shit moment, “Wait, do you know? About the..?”

“The box of letters he left you? Yeah. He told me last year, after you left for junior year without coming for him.”

Jack took the last letter out of his pocket, “I just found it.”

Saz took a second to process that before motioning for Jack to come in, shouting up the stairs, “Davey! Get your butt down here!”

Les, sitting at the kitchen table, looked up from his sandwich, “Holy shit. Jack?”

“Hi, kid,” Jack said, trying not to be weirded out by how the now-16-year-old was taller than him.

“Davey?” Sarah yelled again, clearly impatient.

“Alright, alright! God, Saz, what couldn’t wait 10 se—“ That was when Davey looked up, seeing Jack in his kitchen.

“That couldn’t wait,” Sarah said pointedly, “Les, let’s go... not be here.”

��If I eat in my room, Mom’ll kill me,” Les said, picking up his sandwich, anyway.

“Eat in my room, then.”

Jack and Davey were silent until the other two Jacobs siblings were upstairs.

“Why are you here, Jack?”

Jack had to take a deep breath before he responded, “When was the last time you went somewhere besides school if somebody didn’t drag you out of the house?”

“What?”

“Do the people who love you say you’ve changed? Do they keep saying they need a designated driver only to try to get you drinking and dancing like it’ll make you smile?”

“What are you—“

“Are there songs you can’t listen to? Movies you can’t watch? Have you so much as called someone back when they gave you their number?”

“Jack,” Davey looked at the ceiling, “What’s this about?”

“You once said you wouldn’t put your life on hold for me,” Jack said, “And you were right not to. I can be overprotective, sometimes. No one should put their dreams on hold because of a lover, but... my dreams are the only thing I haven’t put on hold, Dave. I ain’t been living since I lost you. Not really. And when our friends all said I was smilin’ less, I never let myself think about it, because if I did, I’d have to think about how much I was still hurtin’ over you.”

Davey laughed sady, “Jack, if you really wanted me, you would have fought for me a long time ago, so—“

“You’re talkin’ about the letters?” Jack asked, holding up the one he had on him, “Davey... I just found them. Today.”

Davey was silent, his face completely unreadable. Jack was holding his breath.

“Jack Kelly,” he finally smiled, “I should have known you would take this long to clean out your damn closet.”

“I think you spent enough time in the closet for the both of us.” Jack joked.

Davey rolled his eyes, “Very funny, Jackie. Anyway... I don’t think it’s any secret that we can’t just pick up where we left off.”

“Of course not.”

“So... coffee? If we’re trying again, I’d prefer to take things slow.”

Jack nodded, “Probably a good thing I’m going back to Santa Fe after tomorrow. That ain’t enough time for us to do something we’ll regret.”

“Yeah, I guess mostly just texting is one way to take it slow... speaking of which, one of us should probably text the group chat.”

“Oh yeah,” Jack grinned, “They’re gonna freak.”

[lombredanslaeu]

in undertow | jaehyun x reader oneshot

▸ based on the movie “eternal sunshine of the spotless mind” and the song “in undertow” by alvvays. [angst]

▸ please do let me know your feedback on this one-shot by messaging me. i would gladly appreciate it. enjoy!

“You made a mistake you’d like to erase and I understand”

FULLSUN Neuroscience Inc. has developed a technology wherein people can choose to erase a person, event, or even an object from their memory forever. If the patient decides to erase a person, FULLSUN sends a notice letter to the target person of the patient. You stared at the paper. You, of course, knows how to read but for some reason the statement from the paper did not make any sense. Jung Jaehyun has requested that Y/N Y/L/N will be eradicated from his memory. We hope you respect the decision of our patient. What could you have possibly done that makes Jaehyun want to erase you from his memory? 

You and him met while you were in college. While you were drunk at one of Ten’s parties and ranting to the stranger next to you about how you hated the course you’re currently taking. That stranger happened to be Jung Jaehyun. “It’s not that it will be the worse job in the world,” you started, thinking he has all the right answers because he seems to be one year ahead of you. “It’s just that I don’t feel happy right now and I’m afraid I will never be.” 

“First of all, do you want me to talk you out of shifting or do you want me to encourage you to shift?” He asked for clarifications. At this point, you were too drunk off of whatever concoction Doyoung has been giving you in large cups for the past two hours.

“Just look at me and tell me that I will not be a failure despite what I will choose to do tomorrow.” You slurred.

“Okay. You will never be a failure despite what you will do tomorrow.” He announced, accompanied by a sweet smile. A smile that didn’t say that he feels sorry for you but one that said that you will really be fine. “And you will be happy. I promise.”

”I told you. You’ll be alright.” Jaehyun smiles down on you. You were already on your second semester with the course that you felt happy and connected with.

“Can you imagine where would I be if I never ranted to you during Ten’s party?” You asked laughing.

“My best guess? Crying on your bathroom floor.” You playfully smacked him on the chest.

“Thank you, Jaehyun.” You looked up at him. He smiled back at you while his thumb was caressing your hand that he was holding. It felt as though the stars have aligned and all of the odds where on your side. That was the time when you knew.

You married Jaehyun 3 months after your graduation. You landed a job that you’ve been dreaming about since you shift courses in college. He just got promoted at his job. What could go wrong right? You unpacked boxes after boxes of stuff into your new shared apartment. Along with the bottle of champagne, you were also accompanied by the old, both bitter and sweet, memories of you in college. It was as if it was just yesterday you were puking your lungs out in front of Ten’s house and the next second, you were in the arms of the love of your life, laughing the night away. Oh what could possibly go wrong, right?

“Can’t buy into astrology, and won’t rely on the moon for anything”

Everything was going wrong. You’ve spent countless nights asking yourself why. Was I the problem? Were we moving too fast? What went wrong? You ask yourself questions after questions and not coming up with any answer. Who forgot to burn the fire? Maybe it was because you two were not a match? But why did it sparked so much back then? You’ve always dreamt about laying around the fire during Christmas, with hot chocolates on your hands. You’ve thought about gathering around a bonfire with your closest friends, singing songs, and just being in love. Or even sputtering hot lava from your lips, back and forth against each other, wondering who will surrender first. But later, you will remind each other that the burning of your love is greater than the burn of anything that could set you apart.

“You know I love you, right?” You would say to each other after an argument. You both always knew how to make it right.

But now, there wasn’t anything. Just a document in front of you, waiting to be signed. Your hand was restless and sweaty as you picked up the pen. Your mind telling you to get it over and done with, yet your heart was yearning for just another minute, another hour, another sunrise, another laughing session with Jaehyun. But, at last, you finally did it. Your signature on the document that will break off whatever bond you have left with him. You watched him pick up the pen expecting him to immediately sign. You waited for the sound of the ballpoint’s friction with the paper. You waited for the sting in your ears but it never came. Instead, he retracted his hand from the paper and placed it on his face.

“Jae,” you said. It was supposedly a call for his attention but it sounded more like a plead for him to do it now. 

“I-it’s just that...I’ve always heard about people’s marriages that failed and I know it’s not an impossible thing to happen to anyone,” He started. “It’s just that never in my life have I thought about the day I’m divorcing you.”

“What’s left for you and me? / I’ll take suggestions / We toss and turn in undertow / Time to let go”

You’ve gotten used to the silence of the apartment each day. It would be a lie to admit that you don’t enjoy being alone. You never knew what it was like to have someone until you were with Jaehyun. Before, you’ve were so used to being alone that love & affection was a foreign enigma to you. Now, you’ve gotten used to Jaehyun that you don’t know how to rise up again. Your friends helped you a lot by staying over sometimes, drinking liquids that has the color of love to forget love, and just anything to make you believe again. And it works. But some nights you still reach over to his side of the bed and wish to every god that there may be, that this was all just a dream. But every morning you realize that what you had with Jaehyun was probably the dream. He was a dream. With his smooth skin, magnetizing smile, and his overall character. It was never a perfect dream though. There were yelling, blaming, crying, but at the end of the day it was you and him against any problem. Not you against him. It always felt right. You and him always felt right. It was as if you were made to find him and be with him. For a long time you believed that that was true.

Sooner or later, you both found yourself struggling to keep afloat as you both hold onto each other. The current of the undersea was too much for your strength and you know Jaehyun was getting tired too. It would be unfair for him if he was the only one who’ll keep fighting. So you gave up. You let go and it was time for you to face reality. The reality that people come and people go. Lovers will enter your life to make you feel like the most beautiful being that held the stars in the eyes. Lovers will also break you down and make your once-sparkling eyes as dead as a black hole. 

Jaehyun had always accentuated that he loves you. He always will. And you will always believe and know that. 

“I love you, y/n. This doesn’t mean that I stopped or will stop loving you.” He pleads.

“I know. I’m sorry it has to be this way.” You said as tears were starting to form. “Oh god, why did it have to be this way? I love you so much. What went wrong, Jaehyun?”

“I wish I knew the answer so that this would be so much easier than it really is.” He held your hand. His eyes bore into yours as if to beg to believe whatever he is saying. His lashes bore the weight of tears that he held back before coming here.

It was time for you to face the reality that loving someone means healing and forgiving. Loving someone means letting them go if you’re starting to hurt them. You were hit with the reality that, yes, love is beautiful but love is also the deadliest weapon of all.

“There’s no turning back / I’m so uninspired”

You didn’t know what to think. You weren’t mad. You have no reason to be. But why? You knew Jaehyun was a headstrong person who can stand up even after the darkest night. But why did he suddenly want to wake up as if you never happened in his life? You thought he would never forget you, his first wife. He even had Johnny come up one time just to ask you how you were. Maybe that was one of his steps in forgetting you. Forgetting what you look like and who you are.

As time slips by your hand, you could feel your memory escaping his mind. Thoughts of being angry at Jaehyun for this decision were dying to be heard. Betrayal was dying to be felt by you. But you fought all of it. Perhaps this was his way of healing from you and you will let that. For loving someone means healing and forgiving. And you love him so.

“No turning back”

Miss Y/N Y/L/N, you have been successfully erased from Jung Jaehyun. 

fin.

𝖆𝖚𝖙𝖍𝖔𝖗'𝖘 𝖓𝖔𝖙𝖊: ahhh i hope u enjoyed this. it’s been a while since i wrote so i’m sorry if its suckish. i would really appreciate if u let me know what you think of this!! :)

[jidai]

jidai’s budget mutuals/friends appreciation

Hi, all! I’m quite late with this but I decided to put a small friends and mutual appreciations post in hopes of brightening up the end of this year a little bit. ❤️ If you were tagged, please make sure to check below for a small little message from me. However, I want to make it very clear that I truly appreciate all of my mutuals. You guys brighten up my dash and always reblog or create so many funny and creative posts. I just wanted to give a few special shout outs to those that have taken out the time to reach out and interacted with me past my ask box or we just see each other often.

The messages are ordered by your URL, so you might have to scroll for awhile before you see your messages. I’m so sorry lmao. 

Happy New Years, everyone!

@25th​​, Nonnie, the Young Genius. bro, remind me how old you are 🧍‍♀️ Like my brain CANNOT fathom the thought that you’re so skilled at SO many things and you’re not even in your twenties??? PLEASE SPARE THE TALENT. i will even accept crumbs. But I’m writing to tell you that you are such a wonderful presence on my dash. I always look forward to your gfx. They’re so SO good and you’re improving from one post to another. Like WOW. Now, you’re even starting an art blog, too? You’re so dedicated to the arts. I respect that a lot. Your hard work and commitment will bring you very far in life, whatever you decide to do. 

I love interacting with you. You’re such a big sweetheart and full of positivity and energy. I look forward to seeing more of your art and gfx ❤️

@biscuitwalk​, Dann, the AK Wiz. Dann, I know you’re not as active on here so idk when or if you will ever read this but I want to say that I miss you and your creations so, so much. I will say it a hundred times over and OVER but you inspire me so goddamn much. You have no fucking idea. Your works are absolutely gorgeous and unique. I can look at it once and I can instantly recognize your style (and your cute lil’ pufferfish <3). The way you utilize colors and implement various techniques, shapes, textures into your work. Goddamn, you’re so good. I always look to your work if I ever need inspiration and they help me brainstorm. God, I wish I could put it into words how much I adore your works.

We didn’t really talk for long but you seemed like such a kind and fun person to be around. I wish you the best in your future endeavors, wherever you are. Stay safe <3

@elriccs, Mirai, the Short King. 🧍‍♀️ ok look I know, I know I’m TERRIBLE at replying to you and I’m so fucking sorry. I absolutely love to talk to you but my dumbass cannot seem to reply in a timely manner LASELKSAL. That’s on me and I gotta do better. Anyways!!! Thank you SO fucking much for always leaving such kind messages on my work. I swear to god you’re one of my biggest hype man and I ALWAYS look forward to reading your tags. They’re so funny and it makes me all tingly and happy inside. Bro, like, you just radiate big fun vibes, bro. I really hope that I can get to know you better so I can just insult you until it’s too late to walk away </3

And of course, let me also remind you that I love your works so much. They way that you utilize your textures and those muted colors... OOMPH *chefs kiss* I will always love--

@lockhvrts​​, Em the Soulsborne GOD. hi em 🥺 it’s been awhile since I’ve had a proper conversation with you and I hope you’re doing okay! I miss you and our conversations where we do nothing but geek out and complain about the game industry lmao. if you manage to read this, I just wanted to let you know I miss your presence here. It’s been kinda dull not seeing your beautiful soulsborne gifs and your game rants. Let’s catch up soon. <3 stay safe and well!

@nathanprescutt, Benn, the Man. BENNNNNNNN.  I love you a lot bro. I know we haven’t had long conversations for some time and I hope I can change that! You were my first friend on this blog and I will always appreciate it. I remember us just geeking out over your works and how I would always send you a gfx request like once a week LMAO. The one thing that I have always appreciated about you was the fact that you’re very opinionated (if not, very vocal on your stance on things) and you hold your ground. There were a few time where you encouraged me to speak on topics that I think I shouldn’t and that stuck with me for quite awhile. I’m still a nervous rambling mess when it comes to debates but just know that the one time you supported me to voice my opinion--I hold it very dear to my heart. 

While I don’t spend much time together, I will always remember our animal crossing session. It was  so much fun just trashing and chilling on your island. Especially the bar :( that bar was fucking AMAZING. Maybe once FFXVI comes out, we can geek out hehe

Also, thank you so much for sending in photos of all your doggos, omg. I miss seeing them so much I hope they’re doing well. Stay hot, my German bro lol. Ich bin sehr dankbar, so eine tolle Freundin zu haben. ❤️❤️❤️

@noxdivina​, Lin the Big Dick Daddy Kind. The church is open for business bitch and I’m here to preach the GOSPEL.

Okay, jokes aside, I’m really happy that we became mutuals. You’ve always give off this like, mysterious cosmic vibe (????? huh). And your selfies just further proves that you are wtf. But you’re always so kind to those that you interact with. You’re an absolutely sweetheart and like I just want to give you a giant hug every time we interact. You’re such a soft human being. It’s so nice being around you. It’s like being tossed in the oven and baked at 250 degrees F for 25 minutes. And to boot you’re really talented, hello? God really said let there be a perfect human being and yeeted you into the universe. Thank you for always leaving such kind messages and words in my DM/askbox/works. I cherish them so much. I hope I can get to know you better in the future bc you’re rad, bro <3

anyways, updated drawing of u and maya:

i always assume you’re in a black fur parka 24/7 and maya is coatless neck down. also deck me with those jacked arms of yours thanks  🧍‍♀️

(edit: fuck i forgot to draw a PARTY HAT ON MAYA IM SORRY)

@rokuseis​, Sei, the Dumber.

i have nothing to say to you go away you banana hater ASELKSAEKL

BITCH, you doo bee getting on my nerve 24/7/365 🧍‍♀️ you were an unexpected but a very welcomed addition to my life. I can’t believe we really went 1 fuckin’ year without speaking to each other and then suddenly our friendship blew up because over a stupid BANANA. Now you gotta deal with me and my stupid, random, crude ass messages daily. I cannot. Clown to clown communication. But thank you so much bitch for being there for me and telling all of these funny ass stories and life experiences.

I know I don’t say it a lot because when we talk it’s literally just dogs barking at each other but I want to make it clear now: I love your humor and vibe so much. You never fail to make me laugh anytime I talk to you and I appreciate it so much. I can’t tell you how many times I felt better after talking to you. Even though sometimes your fucking jab hits hard and I end up actually inSULTED BY IT. But thank you for becoming my friend and I look forward to all of our stupid moments together. Looking forward to shitting in your sink when I finally fly to your home <3

@wolfamongthem, Anna, the Grinch. Please don’t hurt me for that title. I'm just saying if someone needs a live casting, it’ll be u. Anyways, did you know that I was so fucking intimidated by you for a long ass time, even before we became mutuals aseljas LMAO. I always see your gifs around on explore and they’re so gorgeous and then I look at your text posts and it’s u roasting people like there’s no tomorrow- 🧍‍♀️ bitch I was SCARED OF U KSKS. Now that I’ve talked to you a few times, you’re really funny like where do you find those reaction memes????? Like bro you and your shitposts is my morning cup of coffee. 

Anyways, in 2021 I expect a full-fledge review of all AAA games from you-- no more shit talking in the tags let it all out BITCH. Thank you for being such a great mutual! I look forward to see what weird shit you will send me the next time we talk lmao

@zenien​​, Selm, the I’m-gay-for-Lady-Maria-or-anything-that-moves-in-BB-Bitch™. ok bitch if I’m being honest I wrote yours last so my brain is FRIED. so everything i say from here is raw from the HEARt cause that’s all I got left. But anyhow, we savin’ the best for last! honestly, i didn’t expect you to barge into my life like that. i really didn’t. i was just gonna keep admiring with my 7 feet (2.1336 meters) pole. I’m glad you made the first move because look where we are wtf 🧍‍♀️ friends??? I wouldn’t believe you if you told me that in 2014 when I first followed you lmao. 

You’re such a kind soul. I know you may disagree but I’m determined to convince you. I can’t tell you how much I want to thank you for taking the time to talk to me during my rough bits. It’s like sitting on a wooden bench in a park during sunset and you sit next to me, just enjoying the vast sky. You radiate such peaceful energy. It’s very calming. Or you know, 2 seconds later i’m suddenly suplexed by your 40 tons of insults like what-- 

Thank you for everything, so far. Truly. It’s been so fun listening to you talk about your Bloodborne journey and see your reactions live. It’s been so fun to see you post your graphics and it continues to blow me away. It’s been so fun hearing about your life and the stories of your adulthood. Every words that we have exchanged, I hold dearly to my heart--more than you ever know. Love u bitch.

[vanchlo]

The Assistant / Chapter Forty-One, “Finally”

*Gifs are not mine*

Clickable Links:

- *NEW* Becky Magazine Cover from an O.C. Tag Challenge c:

- Masterlist feat. all chapters and Character Surveys

- Inspo tag

- Hecky Playlist

- Read on Wattpad

Warnings: None

Word Count: 10.3k words

Song:  You’re Still The One by Shania Twain, bc duh Just Like Heaven by The Cure (click to listen)

A/N: I am SO excited for you to read this chapter, you’ll soon find out why ;)

                                 SNEAKYYYYYY PEEEEEK

For the fiftieth time in the last two days, I couldn’t be more grateful for how easy things are coming together. I couldn’t be more thankful to have him by my side. It still feels like a dream getting to live this life now, and getting to work with him on the daily, singing Spice Girls amidst stolen cheek kisses.

One puzzle piece at a time, and there’s only one or two pieces left in this puzzle of ours.

"And then my soul saw you and it kind of went ‘Oh, there you are. I’ve been looking for you.’"

                             - Iain Thomas, ‘I Wrote This For You’

There was truly nothing that could rock the waves I was currently riding, and I couldn’t wait a second longer to do the very thing that would make them even bigger. They had only climbed since telling Asher earlier this evening, and the smile that shared on our faces. 

Skye was sprawled out on the sofa when I opened the door, finding it impossible to hide the grin on my face as I read a text from Harry that had dinged a moment before. 

i havent been this excited for somethin in a long time bug. absolutely cant wait to see u on friday, idk if i can wait that long ;) good luck on ur case with Myles 2moro, you’ll do great Becks xo

“Well, look who has a pep in her step, all of a sudden. I don’t think I’ve seen you smile in days, since Harry’s left. What’s the occasion, Ree?” she teases, surprising me with the simple act of muting an episode of The Great British Bake Off that our nights consist of as of late. 

“I may have had a good day,” I suggest with a shrug of my shoulders as I put my coat away in the closet. 

“Since bloody when? You were in a shitty mood the last time we spoke, having ‘Harry withdrawals,’ or something. I’d say the only reason you could be happy right now is if you’d seen him, which would be impossible seeing he’s in Glasgow for another few days,” she mutters. I observe the look on her face change and how her eyebrows dance along her forehead after I turn around to face her, letting the smile lose. “Wait, he’s still there, isn’t he?” she questions, reaching a hand out as if looking for an answer with her body, too. 

My head shakes from side to side slowly as my lips part to show my teeth, a rarity among my smiles, and the expression dawning on her face tells me she recognizes it too. “He came back today, his case finished early, Skye. And I asked him out on a date!” 

“You didn’t?! Ree, you better not be kidding with me, or I’m gonna be really pissed at you!” she chuckles, feigning intimidation in her voice. Hints of the emotions buzzing around inside of me play across her face, meanwhile, my happiness keeps growing notch after notch. 

I don’t know if I can wait that long either, Harry, cause I can’t remember the last time I was this excited. Thank you so much xxx

“I’m not kidding, Skye, and he said yes! He didn’t even let me finish asking and he said yes!” I exclaim after sending the text I had been typing, feeling her arms come around me in a shock when I look back up. 

“I’m so fucking happy for you, Ree, it’s about bloody time!” she remarks excitedly, almost crushing me in a hug. 

“Me too, I can’t remember the last time I was this happy,” I admit softly, relaxing in her arms, even though part of me wishes they were the arms of somebody else. Only an hour later, and I already miss him. Wow, I’ve got this bad. 

“Did you kiss him at least?!”

“No, I’m waiting for the date, I guess. I looked like proper crap today, I’ve been up so late the last few nights prepping for the case with Myles,” I laugh, pulling away from her smell of peaches and chocolate when my pocket dings. 

“First kisses aren’t something you plan, Ree, they just happen out of nowhere. The sooner, the better.” 

“I guess you’re right,” I confess with a smile stuck to my lips. “We’ll just see what happens.”

+

Happiness and its synonyms still fill me to the brim an hour later, and whilst my thumbs flit across the screen of my phone. Her words stare back at me, and unbeknownst to me how, I wish I could see her again already. My footsteps wander down the main hallway, and before I know what I’m doing, I arrive at her door. Low and behold, it’s closed and my heart sinks into my chest when I find darkness waiting behind it. 

miss u already bug xoxo

My words are whisked off to her, and soon my legs are entering the doorway of a certain somebody’s office, although not the one I was hoping for.

“It’s about time you made your rounds and came to say hi to me. Should I feel offended I’m the last one on your list?” Myles teases from behind his desk with a grin lining his lips. 

“Oh, shuddup. Did Becks leave already fer tha night?” I question, letting my shoulder fall to the door frame as I watch the small ‘delivered’ appear under my blue text. 

“Yeah, I ran into her about twenty minutes ago in the break room when she was clocking out. What, didn’t you already see her?”

“Ya, she was me first visitor. I was jus’ hopin’ t’ see her ‘gain,” I shrug, well aware of the terrible job I’m doing of hiding the one hundred watt smile I’m wearing. 

“And does that have anything to do with you blinding me with that smile of yours?” he inquires, raising a sandy blonde eyebrow at me. 

“Maybe it has sumthin’ t’ do with me havin’ a date with her on Friday, as of an hour ago,” I reveal casually with a shrug of my shoulders, feeling the smile grow larger somehow. 

“Fucking finally,” Myles chimes with happiness spreading across his face, and I nod quickly. 

“I know, ‘s all finally comin’ t’getha fer us.”

+

It would be accurate to say that I was still in utter disbelief after yesterday, and rehashing it all to Skye the second I got home only made it all seem more real, and even better. Then again, that was an understatement, because I had been waiting for this for years. I had been waiting to feel this way for too long, and to be able to say and think that I have a date with Harry tomorrow. An actual, proper date. Several times, I cursed myself for not making the date on Thursday night, tonight, because although I had waited painstakingly for five days, another two felt like twenty years.

It was even bittersweet coming to work the next day and not seeing him there, confusing the habits and expectations I had come to know. I still had to finish up the case with Myles that he would finish arguing, with my help, for the next two days. I tried to think of it that way, that the date would be even better after finishing that case, and in a way, signifying my return to Harry. God, it was all too perfect, but it would be even more so if I didn’t have to wait another bloody day, well actually two, to see him. Yesterday wasn’t long enough, but when I think about it, no length of time ever is with him and that’s how I know I’m in trouble.

Also, that I’m walking right into one of my dreams.

+

After a morning spent in court starting off the case, I was back at the firm with Myles after lunch to work on it some more. He had given me more time to myself to work on my own than Harry had, but I preferred it that way. Harry was right, Myles was good to me, and I did learn a lot from him, but it wasn’t the same as being with Harry. Nothing has ever and never will be the same as being with him, certainly not. Also, the whole Family and Interpersonal side of court was depressing as fuck, I found out. The topic littered Harry and I’s conversations the last almost week, resulting in me taking after him and deciding to stay far away from it for now. 

I’m reminded of him everywhere I go, and it definitely makes trying to get my work done all the more difficult. I see his face in the succulent sat at the corner of my desk, behind my office chair where he would lean over me to help me on my laptop, on my sofa where he opened his birthday presents with explosive happiness, and in the reflection on the tall window where I now stand in the same spot as on his birthday when he hugged me against his front with a kiss to my head. A day later, and it all still feels so surreal to me, and I’m not mad about it. I appreciate its distracting qualities, leaving me to not worry as much about what the hell I’m going to wear tomorrow, and messing things up. Skye’s already picked out five outfits for me by now, I’m sure, but I was at a loss last night when I perused my closet. The pressure to impress somebody I’ve already met a hundred times, feels even greater than my second interview I had at the firm, and I tell myself I don’t know why, even though I do.

I want to wear the right thing, and feel beautiful. More than that, I don’t want to mess things up between us, again, no matter how stupid that sounds. No matter how premature it is to worry about right now.

With the happiest of sighs, I wander over to my bookshelf that now sits a dozen law books, gifts from Harry, Skye, Robbie, my dad, and Asher. Perhaps my favorite, to no surprise, is the Lawyer’s Dictionary that Harry got me. It has a section for all of the law jargon, another on many important laws, and lastly finishes with a guide for working the courtroom. I was just getting on my tippy toes to grab it when I feel a pair of arms surround my chest and pull me against theirs. 

“Hiya, brat,” a voice teases, tickling my neck. 

“Harry!” I exclaim with surprise, grabbing hold of his forearms. “Why do you love to scare me so much?”

“I dunno, ‘s fun, and coz yer a brat, so ya deserve it,” he giggles, and finally I relent and do too as I turn around to face him. 

“I am not a brat!” I argue, finding his flushed stubbly cheeks, taking a second to get used to the thick stubble covering them now. 

“Ya are, I reckon, couldn’t even wake me up last night t’ finish tha rest o’ tha FRIENDS episode on FaceTime, jus’ kept watchin’ along without me. If that doesn’t make ya a brat, then I dunno what does,” he tuts, clucking his tongue as he shakes his head at me. My giggles grow into a hearty chuckle as his folded hands settle at the small of my back. 

“Harry Edward!” I scoff, swatting at his chest once again hidden by his Northface coat, matching his black skinny jeans. 

“Hey, ya betta watch that hand o’ yers, bug, and that mouth too.”

“I’m not a brat,” I whine, all facial features falling into a pout that immediately grabs his attention. 

“Rebecca Ann, don’t even start with me. Put that bloody pout away befo’ ya regret it,” he insists, pointing his eyes at me with the smallest of smirks peeking through on his lips. It wins him over and soon his dimples accompany his deep laugh. “Stop, yer not a brat, bug, ‘m jus’ teasin’ ya. Y’know that. Jus’ can’t believe it didn’t even take a week fer ya t’ skip ahead o’ me in our show.”

“The episode was already three quarters of the way over!” I protest, earning a good finger wag at me. I fight back and push against his chest. “And I didn’t want to wake you up, you were so tired.”

“No, it was not! It was only half way through and ya couldn’t even wake me up! How rude o’ my Becks t’ be makin’ up excuses.” 

“Stop being mean to me,” I pout again, beginning to turn away with my arms crossed over my chest. 

“Hey, ‘m jus’ givin' ya a hard time, bug, y’know that. Yer neva a brat, and even if ya are, yer my brat,” Harry hums warmly, the honey returning to his voice in full force as he catches me around the middle with his arms once again. I can’t remember the last time I heard his voice absent of the honey, though. I don’t ever want to. “I wouldn’t want ya any otha way.”

“I knew you were only joking.”

“You li’l liar!” he laughs against my temple and mine joins his ever so contagious one. “Y’know, ‘ve always loved how ya neva take me shit and how ya can dish it right back, Becks.”

“Of course, I figured out at  the very beginning that I wouldn’t get by without it.”

“That’s me girl,” he coos, bringing me forth and round to find his gentle green eyes once more. They smile at me with a sparkle to them I haven’t had the pleasure to know before. I’ve yet to see him look at anybody this way, and I wonder if I have my own special look in my eyes for him, too. If I do, it was born long ago. 

“What are you doing here? I thought you had said you were going to take it easy until Monday, since your case got done early,” I wonder aloud, unsure of what to do with my hands until they venture to his coat’s zipper on their own, pulling it up and down distractedly. 

“I was, until My’ roped me into a partner meetin’ t’day, and I wanted t’ see a special sumbody,” he sighs with an accented roll of his eyes at first, and then they dish out their dazzle on me. “But that’s it, and ‘m off afta that. I hafta do a li’l work fer my case afta finishin’ it, but it’ll only take ten minutes tops. Then laundry, cleanin’, and tha like at home before grocery shoppin’. Only jus’ now got outta bed, tha bloody jetlag.”

“Ah, I see. The work of a lawyer never ends, it seems,” I comment and he nods above me, eyes watching my every move closely. “God, if I knew you’d be here today I would have tried a little harder when I got dressed this morning,” I laugh nervously, my eyes falling to his crimson button-up peeking out from his coat, decorated with gray flowers and foliage. 

“Ya don’t even hafta try and ya look gorgeous, Becks. Promise,” Harry disagrees, the molasses pouring out from his words and into my heart, pushing the very last chip away. Just like that, I’m all his again, but I think it happened long before this and I didn’t know. Daring a look up at him, the dimples couldn’t be deeper in his cheeks as his sunshine smile radiates onto me, the pad of his thumb rough against my cheek. “I sure missed seein’ that smile, ‘s me favourite.” 

My anxiousness carries away with the sunshine, and I’m left with red cheeks and a smile that makes them hurt. It almost pains me to look into his bright sunny eyes, but I wouldn’t want to be looking anywhere else. Finally, I let myself look and with that, I let him in a little further and start to let go. 

“You’re really laying it on thick,” I jest harmlessly with a smile, dragging my finger down the seam of his chest where the two sides of the fabric meet in red cloth buttons. 

“Ya, coz I finally can,” he grins, and the warmth spreading across my body in tingly waves finds an outlet in a soft laugh of mine. 

Anxious yes, but ever so happy while his hand spreads out flush against my back, fingertips moving lazily. I’ve already pinched myself once or twice today wondering if this is all a dream, and shocked that I could ever be this happy. There were so many times I doubted the existence of it and its possibility, and everything it had to do with having this with Harry. Predictably, an electronic twinkle interrupts our conversation, and I’m confused to find him lifting his wrist. 

“Woah, look at the fancy lawyer,” I tease, his already colossal smile growing taller as he flicks a finger across his shiny new Apple watch. “That must have cost a pretty penny.”

“Ya, and My’ dished out e’ry last cent,” he titters, pressing his palm to the shiny surface rounded by space grey edges, returning his eyes and hands to me. “It was his birthday present t’ me, sayin’ that I should be mo’ organized at me age, or sumthin’.”

“Talk about brutal honesty right there.”

“Don’t go bloody agreein’ with him now!” Harry scoffs, but his mouth open in disgust is no more, lined by joyous lips that soon attack my cheeks in kisses. 

“No, no, no!” I beg aloud in shrieks when his quick fingers dance along my ribs, sending jolts of electricity across my body. More exclamations and pleas escape them before I say the magic words, “Harry Edward!” 

“What d’ya want, hmm, Rebecca Ann?” he asks breathlessly, that adorable breathy laugh falling off of his glossy cherry lips. 

“I think you like saying my full name too much,” I contend, giving up and falling into the sage green abyss of his eyes for the hundredth time, or more. 

“Maybe I do. Maybe I like it,” he shrugs mischievously, that smirk glued to his lips that pull me in. 

“Do you like it, the watch?”

“Ya, ‘s nice. I thought ‘d told ya ‘bout it, sorry. Reckon it has helped me t’ stay organized. Speakin’ of, me meetin’ ‘s inna few, so I hafta take off, bug,” he croons with disapproving lips, his bottom lip soon jutting out from the top. 

“Harry Styles, don’t you even!” I threaten rather weakly, the sounds of happiness leaving my lips doing a good job of that. 

“Oh, and what if I don’t? Hmmm, Rebecca Holte, jus’ what will ya do ‘bout it?” Harry returns, wiggling an eyebrow at me that makes my chest rumble with harder laughter. 

“I’ll just have to stop you, but I don’t know how just yet.”

A devilish smirk is born on his lips before my eyes, and soon leaves my view while his face escapes to the crook of my neck, his voice soon tickling my skin, “Lawyers gotta be quick on their feet, bug. Reckon I can think o’ a way ya can make these lips stop poutin’, maybe ya can try it on me t’morro’ afta our date,” he hums against my neck, knitting up his sentence with a whisper of a kiss below my ear.

I feel like a fricken sixteen-year-old all over again, and I’m loving every second. 

“You better get going to your meeting, before you’re late, Harry,” I giggle uncontrollably,  sure that my face is blotchy with red all over because of what he just said. My suspicion is confirmed when he lifts his head of moused curls to look me in the eyes again, and the glint in them tells me so. I feel like I can read him even better now, all because he’s letting me. 

“‘s alright, they expect me t’ be late by now, ‘s a given,” he insists with a comedic shrug of his shoulders, hands wandering away from my back and to our sides where they invite my hands into his. 

“Will you stop and say goodbye this time?”

“‘Course, bug. ‘m sorry I missed ya yestaday, ya had already left afta I had made me rounds,” he assures me, receiving a quiet ‘it’s okay’ from me. 

“Try not to fall asleep at your meeting today,” I joke, watching his eyes roll into the back of his head briefly before he scoops me into his arms for a squeeze. 

“I won’t if ya promise not t’ be a brat anymo’ and skip ahead in our show.”

“Get lost and go to your meeting already!” I laugh, shoving him away by his chest, observant of his mouth relaxing into a disbelieving ‘O’. His laugh echoes mine quickly, only disrupted when my hand comes to his cheek to plant my lips on his other for a few seconds longer than necessary. “I’m so glad you’re back, Harry.”

“So am I, Becks, so bloody much,” he echoes, holding my hands a little tighter in his, even bringing one to his lips for a kiss. “Good luck on yer case, love, for tha thousandth time. ‘m so proud o’ you.”

With that, he leaves me in a puddle of my own surreal emotions, disappearing from my office with a look over his shoulder wearing that smirk. That very smirk I want so desperately to kiss off those cherry lips already. Tomorrow, I think, if I can make it until then. Just one more day.

+

I had been struggling with finishing this last part, or rather redoing it, for too long now. When my eyes again strayig to the violet clock, I was surprised to find that it had been almost an hour, and I hadn’t gotten much further. With my head in my hands, I sigh as feelings battle to be felt within my insides. After today’s argument, Myles and I had to shift our approach, and I still wasn’t sure of how to do that. He had been helping me, of course, but I still felt so lost. It doesn’t help that he’s currently caught up in the partner’s meeting that Harry is also at, and Jennings who is but isn’t a partner. I still don’t get it, even though Harry explained it to me a few times. The next time he does, I’ll have to remember to ask him to dumb it down for me. 

Even after pouring over our shared notes in Google Docs, and my several law books strewn across my desk, I’m at a loss for what to do.

I wish more than anything that it was already five pm tomorrow, and that the only thing I have to think about is my date with Harry. I still don’t know what the hell to wear, or to do with my hair, or how heavy to go with my makeup. 

“Why tha long face, bug?” somebody pipes up, pulling me away from my immersive thoughts. Blinking hard, I tear my eyes away from the laptop screen and look over to the door, but I don’t lift my tired head from my propped fist. 

“I don’t know what to do for my argument.”

“Still? Why didn’t ya jus’ ask, Becks?” Harry hums with an inviting smile, pressing the door to come just shy of closing. 

I shrug my shoulders with a heavy exhale, scrolling through what I have so far, quickly realizing how embarrassing it’ll be to show him. I can’t exit out quickly enough, hearing his footsteps arrive behind me. 

“Hey, what d’ya think yer doin’?” he teases when I switch tabs, quickly feeling the weight of his hand on top of mine, dragging the mouse along. “Don’t be nervous, love, ‘m here t’ help. Always am,” he coos softly, a hand settling on my adjacent shoulder, earning me an encouraging squeeze. 

“It’s embarrassing, Harry. I’ve been sitting here for over an hour trying to figure out what to do, and I have next to nothing to show for it.”

“Relax, ‘s only yer first official case yer arguin’. Don’t be so hard on yerself, Becks. It sounds like ya need a break, bug,” he insists, sending sparks along my left arm as he rubs stripes along the skin. It’s not long before I hear a familiar laugh and slowly, Harry’s dancing figure comes into view. “Yo ‘ll tell ya what I want, what I really, really want. So tell me what ya want, what ya really, really want,” he belts out, his phone blasting the song cupped in his hand. 

“Oh my God,” I sigh with an accidental laugh, my head falling into my hands. I’m too curious though, and so I peek out from behind my spread fingers to watch him sing passionately with his eyes closed while breaking out some amusing dance moves. “Please, stop,” I chuckle, but I’m sure he also hears the lie in my voice. 

“‘m not stoppin’.”

“Please, Harry. You’re going to make me die from secondhand embarrassment,” I confess into my hands, feeling brave and letting my fingers fall down to below my eyes. Mistakenly, his catch mine and they fly back up to cover my eyes, or for the most part. 

“Rebecca Ann, ‘m not stoppin’ ‘til ya come and join me.”

“Then you’re going to be there for a while,” I say with a shrug of my shoulders, certain of one thing and that’s the smile claiming my lips, and the forgotten document staring at me. I’m too preoccupied with the silly, dancing man in front of my eyes, and how somehow this makes me love him all the more. 

“Becks,” he insists, in between singing along to the song very badly. Oh no, I think as his steps near me once again. Before I know it, I’m staring into darkness as his breath tickles the back of my neck. 

“Stop,” I beg with laughs interjected among my pleas. They grow into near shouts and exclamations when his singing is accompanied by his fingers dancing across my sides, and along the slopes of my neck. “Harry!” I almost yell, and when my laughs couldn’t hurt my belly more, it all ceases. Only the singing remains and is joined by his stubbly cheek against my temple, and his arms coiled around my shoulders. “If ya wanna be my lova, ya gotta get with my friends.”

“Make it last forever, friendship never ends,” I continue for him, giggles heard at the end when his nose tickles the corner of my sensitive neck. 

“There’s me happy Becks, ‘m glad I found her ‘gain,” Harry coos, leaving a kiss on my temple before he helps me to tackle my argument. 

Five days did and didn’t feel very long when I think about it now, with his arms wrapped around me as his voice tickles my ear. Too easily, I can remember his absence over those long days, and how effortlessly they felt far longer. I barely survived with his texts and phone calls alone, and it hurts to think that if it hadn’t been for his case finishing early, I’d still be sitting here in my office all in my lonesome. 

Those thoughts are yanked away - thank God - when his voice brings me back, spewing legal mumbo jumbo that luckily nowadays I can understand, but I couldn’t have always said that. Harry makes quick work of what would be my best route to take and how I do that, and for the fiftieth time in the last two days, I couldn’t be more grateful for how easy things are coming together. I couldn’t be more thankful to have him by my side. It still feels like a dream getting to live this life now, and getting to work with him on the daily, singing Spice Girls amidst stolen cheek kisses.

One puzzle piece at a time, and there’s only one or two pieces left in this puzzle of ours.

+

The murmur of voices assaults my ears when I walk through the door, and feel my vision tugged towards the ceiling decorated with chandeliers. A song by Frank Sinatra floats around the entryway, hardly calming my overactive nerves, despite it being a favorite of my late grandpa’s. When I finally reach the host’s stand, the nerves topple out with my words, jumbling them.

“Reservation for H-Harry Styles, please,” I tell the towering, dark haired man. After a few moments tapping away on the kiosk, he grabs two menus and leads me through a maze of linen covered tables sat under the glow of the several chandeliers. 

I try to hide my disappointment when he leads me to an empty, round table, leaving with a few words about my server being with me soon. Another feeling bubbles up inside me, forcing itself to join all of the others mixed together within me. I had a feeling I was too early, I think silently as I shrug off my long pea coat to hang over my chair. Skye’s wishes of good luck and ‘lots of snogging’ float back to me, filling my sad cheeks with another wash of pink. ‘No, you aren’t driving yourself, I’m dropping you off so then you can get a ride home with him, and lay a big one on him when he walks you up,’ she had insisted, but the anxiousness years in the making is doing a good job of making me doubt myself tonight. 

My attention drifts to my phone that is silent with no new messages, but I still check our conversation. The last message was from him:

see u in half an hour for our date bug :) xxx

My thumb scrolls through our previous messages, straying to last night’s that brings a smile to my face. 

I have no idea what to wear tomorrow :/ 

meant it when i said u look beautiful in anything Becks ;) help what should i wear ? xx

I might be a little impartial to that gray suit you wore to my class lecture that one time ;) 

noted ;) i may especially love the color red on u if u wanna know 

Noted ;) Question....

shoot, love 

Skye was gonna drop me off tonight on her way to her boyfriend’s …. Would a ride home be too much to ask?

course not Becks. anytime u need a ride im here. id love to give u a ride home. perfect we can jam 2 some spice girls in the car then ;) 

I can’t wait

neither can i bug :) 

My reminiscing is interrupted when my eyes fall to my outfit of choice, tugging up the scoop neck that Skye insisted wasn’t ‘too slutty.’ Now, I’m not so sure about it, and I can’t decide if I wish he’d show up already, or if I’m not ready. Those thoughts are stolen away when the texts disappear on my phone, his smiling face claiming the screen with a jingle. 

“Hello?” I answer with a gulp, trying to hide the anxious tremble in my voice. I can’t help it, my eyes dart to my wrist, noticing it’s already 6:05 pm.

“Hi, bug. ‘m sorry but tha traffic ‘s horrendous and ‘m afraid ‘ll be late gettin’ t’ tha restaurant. E’rybody else ‘s comin’ home from work too,” Harry explains from the other side, a weird sound taking over his voice. Yeah, we’re not too good at this pretending thing anymore, are we? I can hear the nerves in his voice, probably just like he can hear them in mine. 

“Oh, it’s okay, Harry. I don’t mind at all, just be careful driving,” I respond, feeling a sense of relief at knowing where he is. I know he never would, but it squashes the tiny voice inside of me saying he wasn’t ever going to show up. 

“‘Course I will, love. Thanks fer understandin’. Reckon ‘ll be there in ten. Are ya there already?” he responds, just the sound of his voice doing wonders at calming me down. The only thing that could take it all away is a hug, one of his.

“Yeah, I just sat down.”

“Mmmm, d’ya mind scopin’ out tha menu while yer there? I won’t be too long, we can order once I get there, if that’s alright,” he asks, the sound of traffic sneaking into our phone call for a second. Then, I hear him sigh ‘finally’ and the subsequent thrum of the motor.

“Yeah, sure. I’ll see you soon then, careful driving.”

“I can’t wait t’ see you, Becks,” he hums before hanging up, leaving me sitting across from an empty chair that I can’t stop picturing him sitting in. 

This is really happening.

Finally.

+

The sound of her voice rings in my ears, and does nothing to stop the anxious shakes coursing throughout my body. Curses fall under my breath as I honk at somebody who pulls out right in front of me, making me slam on my brakes. With a sigh, I turn on my indicator before making my turn.

Pulling my keys from the ignition drenches my surroundings in silence, and reminds me of my heart beating wildly within my chest. Looking up, the decorative windows of the restaurant appear before me in shrouded light. She’s somewhere in there . . waiting for me.

Get it together, Harry. You can do this.

My eyes drift to the rear view mirror and I card my fingers through my hair until it looks decent enough. That’s as good as it’s going to get, I almost mutter while smoothing down my blazer underneath my coat. The bone chilling February night nips at my face once my feet touch the tarmac. Streetlights cast glows all around me, as well as the headlights of several cars. The thumping within my chest grows louder and faster as my feet near the door, and then the stand where a manicured man waits.

“Hi. I made a reservation unda the name ‘Harry Styles’,” I tell him, immediately casting my eyes to the tables within view, searching for her dark chocolate locks. 

“Right this way,” he replies, waving a hand to follow him and I do. He leads me past several tables, empty and occupied, and almost gets me lost in the process.

The last thing I feel is lost when my eyes finally find her.

“Thank you. I-I got it from here,” I tell him hurriedly, holding a hand out that brings us both to a halt. He walks away after a short ‘you’re welcome,’ leaving me there, right where I want to be.

I don’t remember the smile reaching my ears or my heart quieting within my chest as I watch her flip through the menu thirty feet away from me. The prettiest red dress dons her long body, falling just underneath her collarbones and draped over the curve of her shoulders. Her hair falls in dark, natural waves, almost hiding the round opal sitting above the scoop of scarlet fabric. A tingling sensation blankets my body from head to toe, and the image of Becks sitting there waiting for me is burned into my mind.

It feels like I’m meeting her again for the first time, but I’m not. This feels like a new first time, and I know it’s one I won’t ever forget, much like the very first time I laid my eyes upon her. 

It felt like a Monday. For the bloody life of me, I couldn’t remember if it was one at the moment. Is it Monday? I’m not sure, but with the way things were going today, it sure felt like one. The copier had a jam, I forgot the first lunch I’ve made in years at home, and my girlfriend had been annoying the fuck out of me this morning. To top it all off, I had applicants being interviewed today to fill the position of my personal assistant, ever since the last one bolted. She didn’t last more than two weeks, a big surprise. 

Pete had been blowing up my phone for the last ten minutes, and I finally had had enough. Without an announcement or a knock, I stride into his office, fully intent on finding out what the hell he wants. 

“I’m a little busy, if you haven’t noticed,” he retorts over the head of dark chestnut locks sat in front of him. Presumably, one of the new applicants for my personal assistant. Hmm. 

“Well, ya kept ringin’ me bloody phone, Pete. So, what tha hell d’ya want?” I insist, throwing up a hand that falls to my thigh with a loud slap. 

Suddenly, I wish the quiet little thing would turn around, and give me a look at her. Shy, she is, it seems. There she sits, tucked away into her little shell, dressed to impress in a dark dress. 

“I’m in the middle of an interview!” he exclaims, certainly making a good first impression with the applicant. It makes me wonder for the tenth time why I bother having him do the interviews, but then I remember that I don’t really give a fuck, as long as I don’t have to do them. 

“What fer, huh?” I tease, instantly getting a snappy response from Pete about it being for me, as if I didn’t already know. But, I did, and am only doing this to bother him even more. 

“Ooo, ‘s it now? Ya get me a good one? Huh, Pete?” I grin, taking a step forward as a hand in my pocket plays with the tiny, metal guitar attached to my key ring. Sticking my head out as I move forward, my eyes dance across her head, and her profile that soon comes into view. “Hullo, love. Gonna be me new one, are ya? Petey here says I can’t keep one fer tha life o’ me, so here he ‘s interviewin’ me anotha one. How’s she doin’ so far, Petey? Think she’s a winna?” I joke aloud, knowing full well the effect my words have on the both of them. 

My subsequent introduction falls from my lips after a retort from Pete, and then the stranger finally turns to look me in the eyes. I rack my brain, trying to put a name to her face from a prior conversation with Pete. Or was it going over her resume when it came in the other day? I can’t remember which, and I blame it on her captivating baby blue eyes, as well as the intoxicating smile that greets my own. Words float from her lips and grace my ears for the very first time, and I knew immediately that she was something else. 

“Hi, my name is Becky. Becky Holte.”

Little did I know how drastically she would change my life, sometimes I thought for the worse, but ultimately for the better. The better, always. I had no way of knowing at that very moment, how many times she would come to save me.

My Becks.

+

The sound of homemade ravioli filled with chicken and three kinds of cheese is almost making my mouth water. It also makes me wonder when Harry will finally be here, and habitually, my eyes lift to look for him. To my surprise, I find him standing a ways away with the sweetest smile stuck to his lips. 

“Hiya, Becks. Sorry ‘m late. Ya look . . absolutely gorgeous, by tha way,” he comments once he’s within a few steps of the table. He reaches across to squeeze my arm before sitting down across from me, a blush pinching his cheeks. 

“Thank you, Harry. I uh, like the suit you went with, you look very handsome in it. Good choice,” I return, failing to not focus on the fast thrumming deep inside of me. 

“Ya, a certain sumbody said it was their favourite on me, so I couldn’t disappoint,” he grins with a shrug, unfastening the button at his waist, exposing the satiny black button-up hidden underneath. 

“Good, I’m glad you didn’t,” I smile, sure of the warmth he can see filling my cheeks, because I can see it mirrored in his own. “I like that you kept the stubble.”

“Why thank you,” he comments, once again rubbing it with his thumb and forefinger, and like before, making me all the more jealous. “I trimmed it up a li’l bit, figured I betta.” 

“Oh, I hope you keep it. I think I prefer you with it.”

“D’ya now, Becks?” he teases with a lift of his eyebrows, his tousled curls almost tickling his forehead, but just barely. “‘ll hafta rememba that,” he smiles, and more than ever, it’s incredibly contagious. My cheeks are starting to hurt from smiling by now, but I don’t even mind. 

“The um,” I begin nervously, my eyes falling to the elegant paper menu opened in front of me. It pains me to look away from him and the sunshine emanating from his smile, but it’s not so bad when I feel his chelsea boot knock against my heel, remaining there against the back of my ankle. “Chicken ravioli sounds good, as well as the margherita pizza, and Cacio e Pepe. Lots of good choices for dessert, too.”

“Mmm, they all sound good, love. Thanks fer lookin’ fer us,” he muses aloud, head bent down to peer at the menu when I glance over to him. 

His habit returns and his bottom lip is caught between his teeth, and somehow, it makes my smile grow bigger. I didn’t think that was possible, but here I am with aching cheeks. I nudge his foot with mine and he looks up with a question on his face, soon relaxing into a sparkling smile. That effervescent look in his eyes from the other day returns, and if I hadn’t known it already, I truly could look into his eyes for the rest of eternity. The dimples haven’t left his cheeks since he arrived, and his raspberry lips beg at me from across the table. 

“Let’s give it a try then,” he remarks, closing his menu without breaking our eye contact. The words dipped in honey flow from his lips and tickle something inside me, and I want more than anything to hear another meaning in them. His foot nudging at mine in return only makes me give in to it, and so does his wink. 

Our server arrives at our table shortly, and I thank God for the champagne she pours into tall flutes, not taking the edge off fast enough. A conversation blossoms between us about his case, and then mine with Myles. 

“Ya did great by tha way. Congrats on tha win, Becks, ‘m so fookin’ proud o’ you,” Harry grins adamantly, sweetness pouring off of his words that come out with a shake of his head. 

“Thank you so much, Harry. Wait, how’d you know we won it? I was just going to tell you,” I ask with furrowed brows, and receive a measly shrug of his shoulders in return. The look on his face, as if a revelation is threatening to burst from his lips, teases at me until it abates when the server brings us waters and we order. 

“So so bloody proud o’ you t’day, Becks,” he whispers as she pulls out her notepad and a pen. Possibilities blossom within my mind after he sends me a coy wink and knocks his foot against mine again. It doesn’t leave my own throughout the rest of our time there, during our meal and the laughs we share over glasses of champagne, and a plate of Tiramisu that I somehow let him share with me.

+

“I knew it! You were there today, sitting in the gallery, weren’t you?!” I exclaim, mumbling a short ‘thank you’ when he opens the car door for me. 

“Maybe,” Harry shrugs casually, walking around the front of the car as I fall onto the leather seat. 

“Harry Styles!” I nearly shout, if it weren’t for my voice dissolving into a giggle as he slides behind the steering wheel next to me. 

“What? I had some stuff t’ do at tha courts, so I may have popped in fer a mo’,” he explains. 

“Sure,” is all I say as I pull the seat belt across my chest. 

“Hush, and play some music, bug. Here,” he insists, handing me his grey iPhone that looks normal sized in his hand, and then gigantic in mine. 

“Why didn’t you tell me you were coming to watch?”

“Coz o’ that right there, Becks. Yer nervous ‘bout it right now afta tha fact, imagine how ya woulda been if ‘d told ya I was comin’ befo’ yer argument t’day,” he returns, pressing buttons on the dash and soon, waves of hot air greet my cold body. 

“I guess you’re right.”

“‘m what? I didn’t catch that,” Harry jests, cupping his ear. A scoff flies from my lips and I playfully swat his shoulder. “Hey, watch it. ‘m drivin’.”

“You haven’t even switched gears, so shut up,” I laugh, catching the eye roll he thinks I don’t see. “I see that eye roll, Styles, you better watch it.”

“You betta watch it, Becks. Betta pick a good Spice Girls song too, ‘m payin’ attention,” he jokes, soon his fingers diving into my side. A laugh escapes me unwillingly, and yanks my eyes over to his giggling lips. 

His name leaves mine in a near shriek, and after a blink, his tickling fingers are gone and lacing between mine. The dark flecks in his sage green eyes catch under the overhead light before it turns off automatically. He gives my hand a good squeeze as his eyes melt into mine, and a zing of electricity runs up my fingers and then my arm. The smile falling into his cheeks mirrors the one that’s been glued to my lips all night, and now grows higher and higher. I return the squeeze just as he looks to his mirrors, the click of the doors locking when he shifts to Reverse. 

It almost hurts to look away, but so many other feelings and thoughts are occupying me as my eyes fall to his phone. Disbelief washes over me as his long, ringed fingers sit between mine. It only grows when he lifts our intertwined hands up and over the middle console, to sit on his warm thigh.

An uninvited wave of pain hits me when I spot familiar sad songs amongst his music library, like the familiar ‘When She Loved Me’ that could make any Toy Story fan weep within seconds of hearing it. It intensifies when my eyes run over the songs Before You Go, Wish You Were Here, Say You Won’t Let Go, and With or Without You. Chancing a glance over at him, he stares straight ahead into the dark night, and a bittersweetness greets me. I try not to let it in, and the realization that perhaps those lost seven months were hell for him too, as were those five days apart. 

“Find it? I have Spice World on there sumwhere. I know I have loads o’ shit on there, sorry,” he comments, turning his head to check his left before pulling onto the busy road. 

“Y-Yeah,” I stutter, looking back to his expansive music library spanning from the 50’s to current music. His thumb drawing circles onto my knuckles brushes some of the sadness away as I bring up the album he speaks of. 

“Bloody hell, why ya choosin’ tha sad one, Becks?” he titters, glancing over to me when we come to a stop at a light. His smile shining back at me whisks away the last drops of the sadness, but hints of it remain with me, begging to be felt. I shrug my shoulders as the beginning lyrics of ‘Too Much’ fills the car, and I only turn it up louder. “I get t’ pick tha next song, if yer playin’ sad stuff. Bloody rubbish you are at pickin’ songs,” he sighs jokingly with a shake of his head, curls tickling his ears and the nape of his neck. 

“I am not!” 

“‘Kay, brat, keep talkin’,” he snickers, earning another scoff from me that he answers with a harder laugh. I cast my eyes to the window with an exaggerated whimper, soon hearing his profuse apologies. “‘m kiddin’, Becks, bloody hell. I already know ya have a good taste in music from all o’ our talks. I like this song too, jus’ thought ya’d go fer some happy songs, seein’ tha . . occasion and e’rythin’. Hey.” 

I answer him with my eyes returning to him, finding his wink before he looks back to traffic, and with my thumb coasting back and forth across his smooth skin. I listen to the lyrics, feeling another squeeze of my hand from him before I change the song. 

“Hey, don’t change it befo’ ‘s done!” he exclaims, and I just laugh, watching his shocked lips soon do the same. 

“Then stop complaining,” I argue, catching another roll of his eyes as the car slows to a stop in front of another light. Joy buds on my lips as the surprise unfolds on his features, meanwhile his eyes crinkle, the dimples fall deeper, and his raspberry lips thin out as a smile consumes his face. 

“I knew ya were sumthin’ special,” he notes aloud with a shake of his head, a giggle emanating from his joyous smile, right before he joins me to sing along to Shania Twain’s ‘Man, I Feel Like A Woman.’ 

His fingers laced between mine continue to send my heart into overdrive as we belt out the song between contagious laughs, and then another crowd favourite, ‘You’re Still The One.’ This one gets me and sometimes throughout the song, I can’t get myself to look at him with the sincerity held in the lyrics. As well as the words that hit too close to home. 

Finally, I can’t stand it anymore, and my eyes drift over to his at the end of the song, finding that his are already on mine. “‘m so glad we made it. Look how far we’ve come, my baby,” Harry finishes with his eyes dancing upon me with that smile dripping with molasses. As if his hand squeezing mine periodically throughout the song wasn’t already making me want to cry, now I really could. I return the gesture before looking out the window, blinking back the arriving tears from my eyes as those lasting words sing inside of my head. 

Yeah, we finally made it, Harry. Belatedly, but finally.

+

“‘s been years since ‘ve been here, hasn’t changed much tho’,” Harry remarks softly, only a few steps away from my door. 

“Yeah, the inside looks bout the same too.”

“‘m sure. Maybe I could see fer meself one o’ these days,” he remarks aloud, and when my eyes drag over to his nervously, I answer him with a nod. 

“I’d like that.”

“Me too,” he coos, rubbing the pad of his thumb along the back of my hand. A shy smile nudges at the edge of my lips as he stands in front of me, my right hand still safe within his. “Well, I had a wondaful time t’night, thanks again.”

“You’re welcome, and thank you too. I had a lot of fun . . with you.”

“So did I, bug. ‘ll um, text you later then?” Harry says, clearing his throat awkwardly, his bottom lip soon returning to its nervous spot. 

“Y-yeah, sounds good,” I mumble quietly, eyes falling to my hand that he drops. The absence of his warmth against mine feels very strange now, having been holding hands for the entire drive and subsequent walk up to my apartment. 

“Night, Becks.”

“Goodnight, Harry, careful driving,” is the last thing I say before slipping behind my door, finding Skye perched on the sofa. The monotonous, forced words echo in my ears and my eyes fall to the floor, disappointment flooding every inch of me. 

“So, how’d it go?! Did you finally fucking kiss him?!” she shouts the second the door meets its frame. 

“No,” I admit between shy lips, the steps I take seeming as if they’re from somebody else’s body, not mine. The entire last five minutes feels like somebody else had lived them, not me. No, it can’t end like that. “Not yet, anyways,” I rush, ignoring my shoes I already toed off, spinning around and ripping open the door. “Harry, wait!” I exclaim, finding his surprised expression waiting in front of the lift. 

“What?” he asks, eyebrows bent into a questioning mess. 

“I-I forgot something,” I manage, the words spilling out in a heap while he closes the distance between us, stopping right in front of me. Right where I need him. 

“Forgot what, bug? Did ya forget yer shoes in me car?” he titters, the fluorescent glow overhead picking out the few blonde hairs in his stubble. 

“No . . something else,” I finally admit, taking a step when there aren’t any left. 

The dimples remain set into his cheeks while his eyes fall to my lips and mine raise to his. His facial hair is prickly and dense under the pad of my thumb, and his coveted bottom lip is warm and pillowy. The golden hue of his olive green irises fills my mind when my lips finally meet his, and at last, I find his bottom lip between my own. His sweet giggle sounds against my lips as my fingers get lost in his buttery curls. I come to echo it when his hands shock me with their coldness against my hips, pulling me closer to him. One strays to the back of my head as his lips move against mine, the word ‘finally’ repeating incessantly within my mind. His barely there beard is scratchy against my skin, contrasting to the smooth tip of his nose grazing my cheek. The cinnamon and cocoa powder from the Tiramisu cake tickles my taste buds while his spicy vanilla smell covers me like a blanket. Zings shoot across my palm pressed to his smiling cheek, his facial hair prickly against the sensitive skin. 

Not feeling like what was actually mere seconds later, air fills my lungs when we pull away at the same time, sharp inhales filling the air. Quickly, his sweet giggle joins it, and ropes one of my own in. The tip of his nose leaves trails on my cheek as his forehead falls onto mine. 

“Ya have no idea how long ‘ve waited fer that,” Harry rasps, his warm breath dancing across my lips. His own press a whisper of a kiss to mine briefly, although after that, now I’m sure it could never be long enough. 

“I think I do know,” I mumble, my hand straying to his chin where I brush the tip of my thumb against the flesh of his bottom lip. 

“‘m sorry it took us so long, bug.”

“It’s okay, we’re here now. Finally,” I tell him and he nods, the twinkle in his eye bright as can be. For the first time, I let myself melt and lose myself in the greens of his eyes. Something I have wanted to do ever since the very first time I looked into his green eyes and knew I was fucked. 

“Yes, we are. And look at you, Becks. Ya beat me t' tha first date and tha first kiss,” he smirks with a decadent laugh adorning his words. I can’t help but join him while I twirl a ringlet of his hair around the tip of my finger against the back of his neck. 

“Oh, it’s okay, Harry. You got the first hand hold, and the first Shania Twain car duet.”

A roll of his miraculous eyes accompanies his continuing laugh, “Ya, well, so did you, but I got tha more romantic one,” he insists, words welcomed by my surprised scoff. 

“Wait, you don’t find ‘Man, I Feel Like A Woman’ romantic?!” I nearly exclaim in faux disbelief, my voice softening into a giggle quickly. 

“Only when you sing it, bug,” Harry smiles, thumbing circles into the small of my back. 

“Wait, you got tha first handhold, brat. Rememba, when I visited you at yer old work that day? Bloody hell, you beat me t’ all tha good ones, Becks. No fair,” he snickers with a sigh to his words, the two contrasting the other. I suffice my response with an obligatory nod, feeling my heart just now starting to settle into a regular beat. “Becks, there’s so many things ‘ve wanted t’ say t’ you, and now, I finally can.”

“I think I know how you feel.” 

“First thing ‘ll say ‘s I get tha second date and tha second kiss,” Harry contends with a smirk held in his eyes. 

“Oh, really?” I giggle and he soon nods. He quiets the laugh beginning on my lips with his own giddy ones, my lips molding against his effortlessly. Thoughts blossom quickly within my mind, including why I waited so fucking long to kiss him. If I’d known all of these years how wonderful it feels to kiss him, I never would have waited this long. Our kisses are slow although hurried, our lips searching for the other’s desperately, and somehow perfectly. Years overdue, and it couldn’t feel any more perfect. 

“Fookin’ hell, I jus’ wanna keep kissin’ you, Becks. Dunno if I can stop,” he chuckles, brushing his nose against mine softly. Shockingly, his eyes are even more gorgeous from this view, and I didn’t think that was possible. Evidently, anything is. 

“You don’t have to,” I laugh and he shrugs his shoulders while his eyebrows mimic the expression, his giggle soon vibrating against my tingling lips. 

“We have loads o’ lost time t’ make up fer,” he notes aloud. 

“Yes, we do. A couple years, give or take.”

“Mmmhmm, yer right there, li’l one. Fook, there were so many times I wanted t’ kiss ya ova the years,” he sighs with a sad shake of his head. His dimple is soft under my fingertip, hidden under the warm brunette facial hair. 

“Then kiss me.”

Too soon, his lips leave mine after a short peck, but I press at the back of his curls and envelope his laugh with my lips. My name falls from him in a delighted whisper before one more kiss. Our laughs grow louder only to be muffled, although weakly, when a figure walks by into their nearby apartment. My face runs to the crook of his neck, my very favorite song dancing along my ears as he holds me against him. 

“Nothing to see here, sir,” I joke, and the warmth filling my insides grows at the sound of his happiness. 

“No, I rememba I got tha first handhold that night we went out fer drinks tha first time. Tha night with tha Purple Hazes and all those shots,” Harry insists from above me, and I give him the funniest look when I come out of hiding. 

“You’re still going on about that?” I ask in near disbelief, watching his curls move when he nods his head, dipping to meet my lips with his for a slow kiss. 

“I don’t want this night to end,” I hum against the strawberry color of his decadent mouth. 

“Neither do I, Becks. ‘ve been waitin’ fer it fer so long,” he agrees, the wispiness of his eyelashes ghostlike against my forehead. 

“It’s getting late, and Skye is probably dying to hear how tonight went.”

“Ya betta go and tell tha poor girl then,” he responds, pulling my eyes towards his that sit just a moment away, sending all of the sunshine in my direction. 

“That’s okay?”

“‘Course. I may or may not ring Myles on tha way home t’ tell him all ‘bout it,” he shrugs with a telling lilt to his sing-song voice. The only sound that leaves my lips is an amused laugh that he echoes, and I know that he feels the same way.

At last, I know after over two years that he feels the same way, through and through. 

“We’ll figure out sumthin’ fer this weekend t’getha, sound good?”

“Yeah, sounds great, Harry,” I agree slowly and he nods ever so slightly, leaving kisses starting from my temple and down my cheek. 

“G’night, bug.”

“Night, Harry. Drive careful,” I tell him and once again, he answers me with a nod. 

“I promise, babe.”

“Goodnight,” I almost whisper, the very last breath of the word stolen away by his lips. I wouldn’t want it any other way, I barely am able to think as his lips massage mine between his. His neck is fiery beneath my palms and I’m sure mine is likened to it underneath his fingertips, surges of electricity passing below my skin. The skin is balmy against my blushing cheek when my arms come around his middle, surprising us both with a long hug, before I pull away first. 

“Night, my Becks,” he murmurs against my lips, a shiver running down my spine when he leaves with a final squeeze to my hand. If that didn’t do it, the song flowing from his humming lips sparks memories behind my eyes, but I still can’t figure out where it’s from. But, I know that I have plenty of time to figure it out, and to get all of the kisses that I want from him. 

Fucking finally.

[rkjinwook]

• • •  STARTING LIVE!

       02AUG2020  |   🐥 JINWOOK’S HAPPY BIRTHDAY 🥳 🥳        DURATION   |   1:02:22

it’s a cute set, albeit typical for this kind of broadcast. the staff have provided jinwook with a fixed camera framing his mini birthday table, complete with multicolored balloons decorating the back wall. there’s a small tablet to monitor the stream and comment feed, which jinwook fiddles with as he waits. in retrospect, he thinks it would’ve been nicer to hold a more casual conversation with fans for his first solo live, but that might just be the nerves talking.

he fills the silence with music, his guitar in his lap. it’s an everyday sight, but jinwook realizes most fans won’t have heard him play much, so he takes care to warm up cleanly, and warm up his vocals too. he only alternates between a few simple chords, though. it’s the sort of background music he used to hear when he’d occasionally attend church services with eve. as jinwook plays he imagines an audience quietly filing in, taking their seats at his birthday party as they each receive the live notification. finally the staff motions for jinwook that the actual video is starting, and he rests the instrument in his lap, out of view for now.

“hello! i’m convex’s sunshine, jinwook.” the greeting is bright and familiar as he dips his head toward the camera. it’s unlikely that the viewers, who arrived so early from a notification, don’t know his name, but it can’t hurt to start off formally. “today is my birthday! yay!!” also evident from the title and the backdrop. jinwook gives himself a round of applause anyway. then he picks up a party hat from the table and slips the cone over his head. “tada~” 

“since we can’t meet in person, i wanted to greet you all with a live today to celebrate.” there’s a pause as jinwook adjusts the thin elastic of the party hat. he takes a breath. “last year, hmm...” he taps a finger to his cheek as he thinks back. “oh, last year i made cupcakes! i was helping our team sphere on the mgas.. so i couldn’t meet consta that time, either.” jinwook hums in thought, suddenly a bit nostalgic about his time as a coach. he shakes his head. “so i’m excited to try this out now.”

“let’s see...” he says, quickly moving on, “is everyone settling in here alright?” he peers over the tablet and rests a finger over the chat to pause its scrolling speed. the amount of viewers is staggering and the number only keeps rising, but jinwook focuses on the individual users sending messages instead. it’s a relief to see the majority in his native language. “hello and hello and hello,” he says, reading off a string of usernames and greeting each one individually, “and thank you for coming, and thank you for coming, and thank you for coming~!”

when jinwook releases his finger from the screen, the chat jumps back to life, shifting too quickly to read. he frowns and tries to pause it again. it takes some concentration to read off the unusual username combinations, but he does his best.

💬  :  happy bday 🥳 🥳 🥳 💬  :  you look handsome!!! 💬  :  happy birthday oppa~ 💬  :  thank you for being born 💖🎁🎁 💬  :  bare faced jinwook is the best!

“ah, thank you~ hello!! thank you too~ thank you for being by my side! oh! this one...” jinwook is startled into a laugh at the last comment, bringing a hand over his mouth. when he drops his hand he shows his full face to the camera, grinning. “this is definitely not bare faced jinwook, but, still i appreciate you thinking so~”

as he tries to keep reading, he tilts his head and squints. many of the messages are just full of celebrating emoji or animated emotes. it’s less to parse, but more noise to sort through. “ah, so much emoji in chat, you all must’ve learned from me, huh...” he muses.

after another minute he leans back again, his nerves settled. well, jinwook’s never had much trouble even talking to himself, so it shouldn’t surprise him that speaking to a bustling chat window comes naturally, too.

💬  :  did you have a good day so far?

“i’m happy today!” jinwook answers confidently. “my grandmother always wakes up early on sunday mornings, so i called her on the way to practice! and later tonight i’m going to video call with my family. actually i told my sister what time i was going live, so she might be listening too?” jinwook squints back down at the tablet and bites his lower lip. “ah, the chat is going way too fast to tell...”

💬  :  where are the other members!!

“hmm, training?” jinwook grins. “i’m taking a break to talk for right now~ but we are all working very hard otherwise!” he shares another smile, proud of himself for not mentioning anything further - although if his eyes sparkle, he can’t be held responsible. “they might stop by at the end!”

“that reminds me!” jinwook reaches below the table for his bag, pulling out a fresh journal that jaehyun had gifted him in the morning. he holds it up for the camera, proudly showing off the nice foil accents and the fold-out attachment. “my roommate, haru, got me this really pretty notebook. it’s supposed to work as a real midi keyboard.” jinwook’s runs his fingers over the cover. “he has good timing since i am almost out of pages in my old notebook... i’m excited to use it.”

💬  :  oppa’s hair is cool today!

“my hair, ah..” jinwook reaches absently to touch it, pleased. “it grew!” it’s worn longer than it was for pretty u era, freshly dyed and parted down the middle. he’s lucky he’s even allowed to have it showing for the live right now, since it’s a similar shade to his old cut. “i’m kind of happy, since it feels healthy recently...” he chuckles a little, the compliment leading him to another train of thought.

“speaking of cool, consta, did you guys see our call me baby special stage last week?” jinwook looks up to the camera and leans in, curious. “the concept was slightly darker for us, since unit black is so, you know... cool.” jinwook gestures vaguely but laughs at the understatement. it’s not a big enough word to describe some of the biggest superstars in the industry. “we have songs like rock but it’s different from convex‘s usual image, maybe,” he adds thoughtfully, knowing full well that their next comeback is inching in that direction. “do you think we suited it well?”

💬  :  convex is cool too!

jinwook nods, pleased by the positive responses in the chat. “so it was okay, then?” he laughs a little because of course, they’re all biased fans and he asked for it on his birthday, but it’s still reaffirming. “mmm, it still felt a bit refreshing and funky like convex, too. so i think there can be a middle ground,” he says, as if simply imagining how things could evolve in the future. “something smooth like that stage?”

something smooth. jinwook’s thinking of crazy in love, specifically, but the title song itself is an even bigger departure from their pretty u sound and aesthetic. “ah..” he shakes his head with a sheepish grin, “i think i’m rambling a lot.” jinwook takes a dramatic deep breath and collects his thoughts.

then he shifts away from the tablet to pull up the guitar in his lap. “i wanted to answer a lot of messages, but i actually prepared a song for you, too.” he strums a bright chord for emphasis. “it’s nothing fancy but i thought consta would maybe enjoy something like this. so i don’t have to sing happy birthday to myself, or anything,” he jokes.

🎵  :  heartz / minhee&luda — i’ll be there

“this is one of my favorite songs recently! i thought it would be nice for our fans, too.” it’d been an easy choice when jinwook was preparing for this stream. it’s a recent sphere release, plus he’s been listening to and singing the song since it came out, so he already knew most of the words. still, jinwook pulls up the lyrics on the tablet just in case. since he frames it as a fan song, there’s no need to change the gendered parts, although he doesn’t think he would have bothered, either way. 

jinwook only slows the tempo and lowers the key slightly to fit his guitar and his voice. the song has a different energy with an acoustic guitar instead of the bouncy synths, but it’s just as sweet and upbeat. he takes his time, singing all the way through both verses and two choruses. 

just before the bridge, jinwook trails off with a little smile. “ah, i just practiced up until here so far...” he keeps strumming idly as he leans over the tablet again. the comments flood with cheers that jinwook only can read some pieces of. it feels good, though, and jinwook feels confident about the vibe.

he watches several prying questions about heartz fly by in response, and carefully doesn’t acknowledge any of them. “of course i’ve been cheering for heartz,” is all he says. “i really liked around you and vivid also! and i’m excited for the next singles released this week, too.”

💬  :  please a convex song next!!

“oh,” he says, “a convex song?” jinwook takes a break, first, to roll out his wrists. then he hums in thought, searching for something he could play on the spot. “do you remember this one?”

🎵  :  convex — 20

he transitions into a familiar guitar intro. long-time fans might recognize it as the vocal unit song from convex’s debut album, but jinwook is pleased to introduce it to anyone else who’s unfamiliar. personally, he thinks it has held up pretty well over the past two years. “shh—” he mimics the sharp first line, then smiles as he continues strumming and begins to sing.

the song proves difficult to solo, and jinwook wishes he’d thought to prepare more material ahead of time. a medley could’ve been nice, but with all of the comeback preparations going on..... instead jinwook giggles as he trips over the lyrics, attempting the first verse’s backing and lead vocals both together. “hm..” he mumbles, glancing up at the camera. he casually redoes the section to make a decent recovery, and the chorus soars as intended. 

“ah...” says jinwook wistfully after he eases to a stop, “i’ll have to come back to that one someday. that one is nice to sing to consta, too. i always liked the lyrics a lot. you’re my twenties~”

he taps his fingers against the body of the guitar and is reminded of the special day. “but today my twenties are officially half-over, aren’t they? wah... scary....”

twenty-five. he stares blankly toward the tablet, thinking he should follow up: then i’ll just spend the second half of my twenties with consta!

these days, though, it feels like an unfair promise to make.

💬  :  like a gorilla like a gorilla!

his eye catches on one of the suggestions breezing down the chat window, and it interrupts his brooding with a burst of laughter. “gorilla? de:code’s gorilla?” he repeats. he tries a few chords but they’re not in the right key, and jinwook grins as he puts away his guitar on its stand. “i don’t know, that one would be an interesting acoustic cover.” he sings a little phrase of it anyway, a random adlib from the ending: “girl you make me feel~!”

“but!” he points a finger at the camera, not wanting his opinions to be twisted. “maybe one day i could cover their song beautiful, or i’m fine from predebut!”

💬  :  what are you listening to recently?

“hmm... what is new?” jinwook absently adjusts his elastic party hat elastic and pulls out his phone. “i like lee hi’s holo! per_se have a nice summer album.. with o sole mio, and of course...” jinwook hits a pretty falsetto as he opens the music app: “this is how i feel about you, twilight~”

“it’s like twilight, yeah~” he flicks through his playlist and wonders if he should just share screenshots of the whole thing on fancafe. “ah, and eclipse’s comeback!” he adds. “look, isn’t the album cover pretty?” his screen is probably illegible, when he holds it up close to show the camera, but at least his enthusiasm is clear. “i like their night side the best, with that unique rock sound...” jinwook pauses, and reconsiders. “actually, navillera was totally my style, too.” he shakes his head and grins. “eclipse is definitely cool no matter what.”

💬  :  it is already 4 in the morning here why 😭

english. jinwook has glazed over every message in foreign languages but he laughs at this one. he trips over a stilted reading of the comment, and quickly switches back to korean to answer. “i’m sorry ahh, next time i have to think of different timezones, right?” he tilts his head. “mm, it seems impossible to find a good time for everyone all around the world? but i’m happy you could visit with me for even a little bit. please make sure to rest well~” as an afterthought, he finishes in english: “and goodnight~”

💬  :  can you show a rap verse? 

“rapping?” jinwook’s eyes light up at the suggestion, and he laughs out loud. “can i tell a secret?” it’s not the right question to ask, judging by the staff’s reaction. but jinwook leans in sneakily, and continues despite their concerned looks. “we tried to switch parts for adore u once, so i learned seungcheol’s rap! that choi seungcheol,” he says with a grin, “has pretty good expressions on stage these days... his parts are fun! i like practicing his pretty u verse, too.”

he tells the story casually, although that part switch was not just boredom in the practice rooms, but an official planned anniversary release. that weekend in incheon is still a fond memory despite the disappointment of never getting to see the final edit.

he rolls his shoulders. “anyway, i don’t have the nice low voice for it, but there is a little melody to his parts a lot of the time...” jinwook postures up for full effect and puts on his best rapper expression. “how can you dazzle so much? you’re so pretty it’s—”

it’s probably for the best that he is interrupted by a loud knock and a rowdy chorus of happy birthday starting right outside the door.

➡️  :  continued in part two...

[yshai-tia]

thanks to @house-vexile​‘s idea about spreading some appreciation with reckless abandon in honour of the holiday season, here’s my attempt at being obnoxiously sappy towards all the folk who’ve extended their kindness my way, and just in general, since i made this blog some odd few months ago. time to spread some good cheer and all that, leggo.

first section is dedicated to the folk who’ve written with me/are currently writing with me. not to sound like some hot popular bitch but you all reached out to me and right off the bat i’m stupidly grateful for that because it cannot always be easy to just straight up contact a complete stranger like ‘H-HEY WRITE WITH ME MAYBE?!?!’ ya’ll got stones. own that shit.

@ayice-tia​ of course you gotta be first ‘cause you were the first person to contact me not too long after i threw that messy LFRP post to the winds. i still get a laugh out of the fact that you thought i wouldn’t respond back to you u fewl, now we’ve been writing for months, surprise!! where to start. you’re the first person to sit down and dedicate to long-term writing with me and it’s thanks to you that i’ve been able (and am still currently doing so, let’s be real) to flesh out so much of Shai’s character. like i go back and reread our first posts and i barely even have a grasp on his manner of speech yet let alone most other things. between writing with you and constantly shooting the shit with you on discord he’s been able to rapidly take form into a fully fledged character with a lot more depth than I ever expected-- i’m especially appreciative of all the long talks we’ve had about brainstorming tribal lore, to toss ideas back and forth about our catte’s respective homes and their people has been some of the best manner of character building.

you already know how much I adore Yice, being able to watch him grow into a complex character in his own right has been such a treat, how he grows into his confidence yet never loses his good heart in the process. i love how you are able to so perfectly write a character who’s an absolute ray of sunshine yet has this undeniable simmering fire underneath. when i think of the trope ‘my kindness is not weakness’ Yice comes to mind instantly, and you nail that essence with aplomb. anyway, i hope to continue writing with you for a long time to come!! thank you for reaching out to me and sticking around this entire time. also p.s. never stop sending me photos of your dog

@further-ruin​ we may not have written all that much together yet (yet™!!!) but it’d be remiss for me not to talk about how lovely your writing is. your attention for detail, especially character-wise, is so good and goes such a length to really add liveliness to a scene. even if the scene is two frozen cattes talking in a cave somewhere in godsforsaken Coerthas, i’m still into it, and the effort you put in really shows because i may not be all too familiar with Izzy just yet but i’m already invested in his mannerisms, his potential, what could be brought forth from behind that carefully maintained icy facade. he already has Shai’s curiosity piqued that’s for damn certain. i can’t wait to see where things go and, in the mean time, enjoy your vacation! man i wish i was on a beach right now.... i bet they do too, if they weather this storm Shai is gonna drag Izzy’s ass to Costa

@hiraethwyl​ oh Lyrin’a. Lyrin’a is such a cutie. Writing with you is definitely such a nice relaxing reprieve, you’re the first, and still the only, person to approach me with the rp hook of ‘hey build something for my character!’ and that alone made me stupidly happy, for 1) getting to write out a scene that involves Shai’s normal-ass day job, and 2) because someone read enough about his character to realize “oh he could probably do this thing i need.” and, of course, you already saw ICly how ecstatic Shai was at the chance of getting to build Lyrin’a a new brace, he cannot wait to get started. your writing has such a gentle lilt to it, i can easily get lost in reading those stand alone pieces you post on your blog, i love them. i’m eager to see him flourish more as a character, maybe Shai will be able to convince him to show him around the Shroud a bit? share some of his Keeper culture with him? we shall see!

@swordmens​ you i specifically left for last because i could talk about your writing until the year rolls over and then some. holy shit. where do i even begin? your meticulous care for detail, the way you build a scene, the atmosphere, everything. you just fucking nail it again and again without fail and it leaves me in awe. honestly in the beginning i was so stupidly intimidated, some legit real writer’s fear, like ‘they are so good at this?? oh my god??? i don’t think i can keep up????? does this drivel i send their way even compare??????’ absolute terror. at this point the intimidation is mostly abated (still kinda there little bit ngl) but my adoration of your writing has not, i could never tire of reading everything you put out there. there’s this inherent level of thrill knowing you’re writing with someone that, no matter how exactly you toss up the ball, they will in some way or another spike that shit with intensity. i just. so damn good. please never stop writing. ultimately, in the long-run, the intimidation was a beneficial thing because rising to the challenge of wanting to keep up with your writing went from ‘oh shit i’m scared, every word’s gotta be perfect’ to ‘oh fuck this is a lot of fun actually???’ and i’d like to imagine my own writing has benefited from it, if anything my confidence as a writer absolutely has and i have you to thank for that. as far as collaborative writing goes, i don’t think you can ask for much more than a rp partner that you both genuinely enjoy writing with and actively challenges you. i’m extremely grateful for the chance to write with you.

tl;dr i adore your writing, i adore writing with you, i adore Castor. i’m sorry i didn’t take your initial offer of having them meet in a more laid-back fashion and now they’re both beat forty different shades of shit from sunday while simultaneously trying to row up shit’s creek without a paddle LMAO as sorry as i feel for them it’s been fun every single step of the way

@silvernsteel​ @eorzeanincubus​ @nikoto-n​ @kytir​ @amahrigold​ @xavi-ffxiv​ @twelveswood​ @confusedtia​ @miqojak​ @placesyoucallhome​ @a-corsairs-chorus​ @gayhaurchefant​ @lightdevoid​ @sola-ffxiv​ @ishgard​ @voidwife​ @sand-seeks-sun​ @wondereverlasting​ @ivyffxiv​ @alphadrg​ @az-ffxiv​ @mai-takeda​ @vylette-elakha​ @dravaniia​ @gatheredfates​ @aife-ffxiv @lordittetsu

ya’ll are no doubt like, oh sweet jesus why is he tagging me, leave me out of this nonsense. tough nuts. your ass is getting tagged for one of the following reasons: we’ve talked about writing together but haven’t quite yet, i’ve noticed how often you reblog my photosets, you say nice things about my stupid cat boy, you tag me in shit, you’re just a general, overall positive presence whomst’ve i adore seeing on my dash, you said one (1) nice thing to me last month and i still haven’t forgotten it, you deserve to be called out for being great, etc etc. appreciate yourselves, ‘cause i appreciate ya’ll. also write with me sometime :dagger: