#i apologize for the trauma i am inflicting on people by making this post but i heard that Riverdale gor renewed for season 7 so.......

[iratusmus]

so bizarre to me when people give fiona a redemption arc like making her evil wasnt literally like the fundamental core of making her an actually interesting character. like . ok actually i was mostly planning on just leaving the post as this but im going to make a proper post whining about this because ive seen it far too often for my liking.

it appears to me that a lot of people do this because they dislike fiona/scourge which is like. sure i get it. but you could literally just... break them up . and have her continue being awful on her own. like scourge is not the reason she switched sides and i find the idea. 1) a bit misogynistic frankly but thats more of a personal gripe than anything else like god forbid a woman make bad choices of her own volition and not because a man forced her hand into doing it (YES i am aware that abuse makes this more complicated than that but also we .... already have a relationship in archie sonic that fits this exact bill. yes it wasnt written well but the wonder of fan works is that you can always make it better. so why are we repeating it again 1:1) and 2) demeaning to the point of her character.

like. ok. lets go over the facts real quick. as a kid fiona got put in robotnik's salt mines and got accidentally left behind bc sonic & co couldnt find her. she realized that nobody was going make the effort to go save her, so she dug herself out and started life on the run as a treasure hunter/thief. she didnt ever really accept the fact that sonic and mighty not saving her wasnt really their fault, and even after becoming a freedom fighter, nobody ever said anything or apologized or said "hey wow that kind of sucks you went through all that". she never really made any actual friends within the ff or formed any meaningful bonds. she starts dating sonic, but its pretty clear that the only reason they're dating is that she's his rebound post The Slap. the moment her history with bean & bark came up - after she used that knowledge to save everybody - sally immediately turns on her and sonic is the only person to try to stick up for her. as bark and bean leave, bean also insinuates that fiona isnt really a freedom fighter, and that she's still basically one of them.

fiona is a "bad" trauma survivor. when i say "bad" i mean in opposition to the ideal tumblr trauma survivor - the sad poor uwu bean whose trauma only inclines them hurt themselves and they become more sympathetic kind etc. as a result. fiona, on the other hand, blames sonic (whose fault this is, frankly, not) for her experiences, and becomes more jaded and mean. she has no real support system and people repeatedly tell her that she hasnt changed and that she wont change and she cant change. shes already got all this baggage by the time her relationship with scourge starts carrying actual weight - he's offering her a way out. if none of them are ever going to really accept her being "good", then she might as well just give into her worst impulses and join hands with scourge, who, notably, has no stake in this - he doesnt have any obligation to be her friend like the freedom fighters, and more than that he likes her specifically because of the part of her that everybody else hates. the important part here is that he encouraged her to switch sides, he didnt make her switch sides.

id say fiona's character in a writing sense is an exploration of the failings of the freedom fighters to support a trauma victim, and how those failings, while unintentional, lead that victim to specifically turn against them. she says "ok actually screw all of you guys" and gives up on trying to be good because nobody ever gave her any real encouragement and decides to put herself on a path of self-destructive revenge and inflicting her misery onto the general population. we can also recall at this point that this motivation is entirely removed from scourge and you can literally break them up and still keep her evil.

the other important point here is that she purposefully chose that path of turning evil as opposed to leaving the freedom fighters or going somewhere else or like literally doing anything else. she literally could have just left but she did not and thats what makes her Interesting. prompted by her unhealed trauma and personal baggage she made those bad choices for herself, and frankly i cannot for the life of me understand why people think that walking back that character development (and yes i mean character development. character development can also mean getting worse) for ..... what. snarky but with a heart of gold generic protagonist girl? come on guys

[slowthunders]

i will stand for myself and deffend my integrity perfectly fine as i have no absolute silly bitch to be afraid of and i have the godamn right to get this off my chest.

i have a life to live, a job to keep, an adulthood to survive and real serious things to focus on. which why this is the only post addressing my position on this mortifying incident that i got dragged on by bambi. these levels of slander i was placed on are beyond disgusting, i will no longer tolerate such false dirt.

i will break down my side little by little, with pears and apples. as many of y'all have shown your evident illiteracy.

tw: mentions of fatphobia, death wishes and transphobia

1. masha and applewillowstone

how foolish is to somehow revisit the deal with said person in which i previously addressed, it can be found here for what its worth. i never denied the toxicity or her and apple's actions, i gave masha the benefit of doubt back then and that was part of my mistakes, i still admit with transparency.

this prompted me to re-value who i was supporting, reflect through it, eventually chose to do the right thing by unfriending her, get critical of her transphobia her hostility and privately apologize to whoever i needed to.

bambi, you're getting your 180 wackadoo claims out of nowhere with the purpose of making me look like this shady form, it ain't working.

yes, there were moments i was catty and problematic in my conversations with masha, many of that is dumb shit i am not proud of which i grew up from ever since i cut ties from masha, except what i admitted directly to you. suck it up.

it is wild that for my involvement, which really wasn't as horrific compared to the abusive thing these individuals did, makes people believe i deserve to receive fatphobia, being called a whore, being falsely acused of transphobia and even be told to fucking kill myself through anonymous hate. y'all are taking your unconformity with the wrong bitch.

i refuse to go on an apology tour to the whole community as i did not get involved in the serious trauma infliction that these individuals were exposed for. i refuse to be punished for things i did not commit.

my job with this dead horse was already finished and even after that, some of y'all chose to still think whatever fugazzi ass rumour about me story your tiny little brains decide to stick with then fine, stick with that imaginary idea of me. life goes on.

for the ones up to question me and have doubts on this situation like the civil grown human beings with zero hateration you are: great! i'll be more than glad to answer as i technically have nothing to hide and lose. my DMs are always open.

i no longer know what else to do to prove i worked with this deal with what i had and i did the correct things at the end. i no longer care. flip the page and stop lying on this right here, bambi.

2. the "bullying" acussations

it has come to my attention how now valid open criticism equals bullying. what an interesting case to study...

bambi, i'm still trying to figure out how the hell, you were told by ivy that he can't fuck with your friend for valid reasons politely, then you chosing to try making ivy feel like shit for asking you to respect boundaries and rather than being quiet, mind your own business and be a grown woman about it you CHOSE to be rude to ivy, fight him which rightfully prompted him to block you, still you decide to cherry pick the pieces for your own gain to paint yourself as the victim once freaking again for pity points, yet seeing how literally no one except the cult of enablers that you are part of, disagreed with you with solid facts...

tell me how did you think this will be a terrific idea and allow you to get away with shit without proper backlash?

criticism ≠ bullying

you fucked up and got yourself canceled. stop twisting the deal arround me and my choice to stand and support ivy. this is nobody's fault but yours.

3. the reason why i blocked you

is simple: you constantly brag out loud in pompous ways how you swear to be an innocent love and light little birdie full of rainbows and sunshines and cupcakes yet your actions demonstrate the whole rancid opposite.

i started to look through your shit long time ago. you are the epitome of wolf in sheep's clothing, you pretend to be something you definitely are not online, you love stirring pots but once it all backfires on you with valid disagreements, you run behind your 'but i hate discourse!!' shield.

i'm not the only person who has noticed it. this particular pathern is not normal.

the sky is blue i did not make the rules.

i am erratic, problematic, argumentative, mean ill-tempered and raw which 93% of it is thanks to my ptsd and autism spectrum, sure. but i'm not around claiming i'm a good person. that right there bambi, is the big difference between me and you.

now if you and your little bunch of cult weirdos excuse me, i'd like every single of you bitches to leave me the fuck alone, stop putting words that my devices did not touch and rub some grass. bambi, quit twisting the scenario to surround me. admit you did whole wrong and apologize to ivy, as your actions messed him over and prompted him to close HGC.

you assholes, you childish turds, specially Y'ALL, bitch about antis on billy hargrove tumblr but y'all are doing the whole different agenda of textbook rancid that only feeds our already fucked up reputation. congratulations, your nonsense division is also actively giving us all a bad name.

bambi, put yourself together and get the fuck off my dick.

[ridiasfangirlings]

is sarumi toxic?? genuine question, i dont know if its just the way certain fanmanga that ive read portrays their relationship. i love the ship with my whole heart, dont get me wrong. ive read lost small world, finished rok and season 1 (halfway through season 2). consuming all kinds of k stuff, i personally dont see it toxic as certain people do (knowing that theyve already reconciled). im super confused on who to believe so here i am asking you

I will say to start that I’m not exactly a neutral third party here, even with me being a filthy multishipper Sarumi is still my ‘main’ ship. That said, I personally don’t consider them to be toxic as a ship. There are definitely elements of their relationship as presented that are not good and could certainly lead to toxicity, but that’s also pretty understandable considering Fushimi as a character is not a healthy person and isn’t equipped to deal with relationships in a healthy way. If we look at, say, only season one Sarumi is a vacuum there’s certainly room to call it toxic, with the way Fushimi interacts with Yata by drawing out all his negative feelings and deliberately goading him into physical violence, but thankfully there’s a lot more to their relationship than episode five of season one.

When you consider the side materials the series is pretty clear that Fushimi’s actions stem from him being an abused and neglected child who clung to the one person who ever showed him affection and who has no idea how to handle things that other people would consider easy. When they join Homra and Fushimi doesn’t feel like he fits in he starts to assume a lot of things, that Yata’s leaving him behind, that he’s going to be rejected, because up until he met Yata Fushimi’s entire life has been him being rejected by the world around him and rejecting the world in turn because it’s his only method of coping. When he burns his Homra tattoo in front of Yata it’s a move intended to hurt them both, because the only way Fushimi knows of to break something that he loves is to do it spectacularly — Fushimi himself can’t break what he cares about so he takes on the persona of the person who could, of the guy who can flawlessly destroy what Fushimi Saruhiko loves every time. Fushimi is so afraid of losing his precious friendship with Yata that he feels like he has to be the one to break it first in order to save himself the pain of losing it. This is a toxic mindset but also a totally understandable one in the context of Fushimi’s character. 

Obviously Fushimi’s way of dealing with his emotions is not healthy but he’s not a healthy person, that’s well established. Are a lot of Fushimi’s problems of his own making? Very much so. Does he really owe Yata an apology for being a dick all this time? Also yes. But Fushimi’s actions are also very understandable due to his upbringing, and Yata himself says that Fushimi is trying to be better — “You have a sense of guilt.” Fushimi’s relationship with Niki is a toxic one because Niki is abusing him and literally doesn’t care about the trauma he’s inflicting on his kid. Fushimi on the other hand is well aware of what he’s inflicting and tries very hard not to care, while still not being able to let go of Yata and still occasionally letting his mask slip (how he has difficulty dealing with a grieving Yata post-S1 for example, and how he still helps Yata in Missing Kings) and ultimately, Fushimi knows what he did was wrong and he and Yata start to reconcile. They aren’t a perfect pure and unproblematic uwu ship but I don’t consider them to be toxic just because Fushimi dared to be mentally ill, the Sarumi I ship isn’t the one where they hate each other and where Fushimi’s still constantly cruel to Yata, it’s the one where they make up and recognize their mistakes and Fushimi starts on a healing path that includes recognizing what he did to Yata and in his own fumbling way trying not to do it again even though it’s difficult for him. (And also frankly if someone does like the toxic version of them go for it, you do you. I really hate how people tend to throw around the word ‘toxic’ as some kind of forbidden brand, like if a ship is not perfect and healthy and wondrous it shouldn’t be shipped. Ship your fictional characters any way you want, as long as you tag things properly! Be free of the need to be judged!)

[misophorism]

Captain's Log #2

I haven't logged into this account in about a year. The good news is that I have people in my life (one person) that I feel I can share things with without being ignored, something I haven't truly had before. On the other hand, I don't think this is something I actually need to say to another person.

I'm reflecting on writing. For the past two to three years, the overwhelming theme in all of it is anger.

It began truly with The Suicide & The Scythe. Obviously, in that book, I'm furious at Neiditch, and my anger expands as the book progresses. In my last novel, the anger is much more personal. The book, ASF, is about my childhood broadly, as well as a few other of my interests creating a concatenation of gothic tragedy, romance, childhood abuse and trauma, lasting resentment, addiction, alcoholism, suicide, and post-traumatic stress disorder. You're right: one of these things is not like the others. But there is also quite a bit of legalese in the book, which I will not be explaning.

Anyway, the protagonist, Alice, is overwhelmingly angry. This is a part of myself I haven't tackled before. Rage factors into The Misophorism Trilogy, of course, but it manifests as a response toward suffering more than anything. In The Misophorism Trilogy, anger is presented toward others for not understanding the principal emotion: despair.

Here, rage is that principal emotion. Alice's anger is fiery, explosive: searing, burning, blinding. It makes her deaf to the voice of reason, it renders her cruel, vengeful, vindictive. We are privy to some incredibly ugly thoughts aimed at her childhood and her mother. In The Misophorism Trilogy, Death is a desideratum. In ASF, it's what the object of Alice's wrath, her mother, deserved long ago. Fantasies of violence: white knuckles, gritted teeth, clenched steering wheels.

Alice's anger has been brewing for almost twenty years, and it has manifested in distrust toward others, a rabidly vicious attempts to set boundaries and keep her walls up, and the complete eradication of any close relationships. She has been wronged so often, for so long, that she cannot help but wish to wrong back: to snap at anyone who would dare tell her a wallowing story, demand her attention, guilt trip her. Nobody cared about her when she was suffering, so she cares about no one.

Obviously, all of this is deeply autobiographical.

I sincerely hope none of my readers are reading this right now because I just gave away the plot. But I do this because this reflects, I think, the main conflict of my life in the past four years, which is essentially the same as Alice's. I'm furious. I want to hurt. I want to attack, maim, beat, scream: I want to inflict so much harm on those who have hurt me for so long that it can tear me apart. I can almost never get closure; I am never apologized to, I am always blamed, always on the receiving end. And when I respond in kind, it's my fault that things escalated.

Obviously this is a simplistic and almost childish reflection of wrongs and rights, but this is often how it feels emotionally: a wild, frenetic, primal anger that has just barely been held in abeyance for years.

I started a new manuscript a few days ago, and if it goes in the direction I think it will, Alice's anger will look like practice. There substantial unresolved hurt here. This is the only way I can deal with it. All Gaul was pacified.

I'm pretentious.

[s1ll13rg00s3]

Sorry if my english is not very good. I am not the same anon, but piqued did do this before, and her apology really seems like she's more concerned with her reputation than anything?

She even did the same to the people calling bi women dick worshippers and shit at first. She coddle them, say that she'll always empathize with them even if they choose to express themselves in "unfavorable ways", say that lesbians can't harm bi women anyways so what's the problem, that they are just tired of bi homophobes and we should have compassion for them, and make several excuses on their behalf like that. Message is clear she "condemns their behavior" but she is still treating them as people like the ones who need defense.

I do get why lesbian loneliness tugs at her heartstrings and I do get why that is first instinct. But first instinct is not beyond critique sorry.

I want her to understand what having our abuse belittled and ignored in turn is something a lot of bisexuals go through and also makes us suffer a lot. We also have hearts and we also have community traumas and this is an important one. So many of us are rape victims and our sexuality is used against us in response. She seems to think that attack on bi rape victims is fine thing to publish, and people should have taken her ignoring it for disagreement. i do not see how anything about the lesbian loneliness thing makes that logic make any sense, how does that make it so ignore equals disagreement?

but ok even in that alternate reality. Does she not think it is triggering for us to see comments like that? Does she not think ignoring as if it was nothing important still is really hurtful? and is still part of the the system that treats us bi rape victims as worthless and nothing? Maybe it's not what she thinks, it's how she treats that matters. She says she is sorry but I am not sure what she is sorry about if she still thinks this part is not an issue and bisexuals are being annoying and demonizing her over nothing? It very confuses her apology. Maybe she thinks her mistake is she was not clear and we misunderstand that she agrees entirely with her anon. That is one problem, but treating the attack on our trauma like is this is just relatable venting to ignore is itself very cruel and shows you don't think our trauma matters that much.

And even if she is sorry and understands now, we are still allowed to feel hurt that she treated us like that in the first place. If she didn't want us stupid bi rape victims to have strong feelings about it maybe she shouldn't have posted it. Or she could have clarified herself. That ask was up for a week before she got called out. Didn't look like she gave two shits how it affected bi people before that, she only came here to defend her reputation it feels like, and she only respond to people being positive to her like she thinks our anger and hurt is stupid and unreasonable. So adding that and her previous behavior just not sure how sincere she is even if she is very nice and polite.

I dont know much about her views beyond the single conversation I had with her a few weeks ago so I can't speak to anything she may have said in the past.

I think its fine to be upset, like it's very hurtful to see the sexual trauma inflicted upon an entire group be minimized. I do see the sexual violence against bi people as a systemic issue, there isn't a bisexual person I know (male or female) who hasn't been sexually assaulted... but even if it wasn't systemic, when is making light of sexual violence ever "punching down"?

You could be right and maybe she just wants to look good and the kindness and understanding was mainly lip service, but I don't think she has any ill will towards bi people but is just someone who doesn't want to be the bad guy so she avoids addressing uncomfortable topics. I do agree that when you do that it is up to individual interpretation what your stance on an issue is and so you will probably end up at least indirectly cosigning something you dont agree with... but it's also something I've done in the past irl to avoid conflict so I'm sympathetic, it's uncomfortable to feel torn between hurtingor upsetting someone you don't want to hurt (especially if you identify with them on a deep level) and condoning things you think are wrong, and I know I personally wouldn't want to be judged based on moments like that instead of my own words.

Honestly, my general feeling (not regarding bisexual issues or feminism but kind of anything leftism in general) is that we can be really quick to write people off who are not perfect but also who don't really want to meet us in opposition. Like I said, if you are hurt I don't think its your responsibility to be building any bridges regardless of if the harm was intentional or not. But if you're not hurt, it can really only do good to try to find common ground, you miss 100% of the shots you don't take, you know?

Given the current information I have I'm going to give her the benefit of the doubt, maybe people who have more information than I do are going to see things differently.

[perpetualoutkast]

Well, Let’s Ponder That?

Why don’t you try to actually reach out personally, and apologize sincerely for the wrongs you chose to inflict. Maybe, afterwards we can then talk like two human beings. It’s not too much, to own up to your faults.

As with you, also everyone else who can’t be real with their actions. I’m not going to continue having one sided conversations & interactions. This part though, always seems to be where people don’t want to deal with what they’ve caused.

I can be forgiving, but I’ve said numerous times, that you have to come clean from your transgressions. This wasn’t a solo act, so I’m not the only one. Everybody always pointing fingers, but refusing themselves to be a productive part of the conversation.

Think of all the simple things, answers to questions, being honest & not breaking deals. Very easy & un hard things, even a young kid could accomplish on their own. The walls that are constructed are not my own, but by others to shield their own demons. It was all great when I was blind to everything, but I can’t unsee or somehow unknowingly forget it all.

I’m not the victim, but trying to be the healer of issues people hold. This whole thing started with me asking for clarifications on the actions of others. Trying to continually deflect it back only upon myself, is only perpetuating it all. With some it only revolves around one thing, which is the crux of the issue.

When people can post vids of someone without consent, that seems not be an issue at all. Yet, me doing things with them cut out of it all, now is such a bad thing. I am amazed what is seen as a non problem action versus a problematic action in this whole episode.

You’re going to have to face it sooner or later, because I’m not leaving anyone behind. We are all going together & that’s breaking the generational curse. It’s really cheap to say all the things in songs over all the years, but not once to me. Expecting me to what, just somehow know that and connect dots? Not one of you has shown any ability to understand he issues at hand.

When I came around after my trauma experience & then so everyone as two or more people, it was hard to figure out if my mind was just fucked up. Yet when I reach or confront those people about things, instead of getting clarity, I’m made out to be some crazy person so to keep up the secrecy.

When I tried with one, to put bygones behind us with a New Years celebration, how’d that end up? Over what? Yes, dumb things but can’t just constructively talk about it all. My voices don’t stop & I overthink because the things dangled in front of me. Then when I inquire, it’s like I’m so horrible for wanting to put in the missing pieces.

A single conversation can end so many issues & mental problems, but also show the part you played. Many people lied & did rotten things. Someone goes through my phone & then goes gossiping about, but hasn’t come to me or asked for full clarity. Then everyone makes up their own interpretations without asking me if even right.

I’ll go back to the biggest problem, with throwing kids in my face that I knew nothing about. Somehow though, everyone else is aware of all of that. They are my number one priority, even if they refuse to talk or have anything to do with myself. Except, that hangs in limbo cause it’s kept a secret away from me.

I’ve made amends with my actions & things with others. I’ve openly shown all what I feel, hoping to get those to do their parts. I’m not suffering things to heal from health wise. I’m suffering being confused & not fully certain on what is missing from my full understanding. It’s been the issue from the beginning, I’ve had to chase down things I never should of ever needed to do.

It goes to great lengths to fix my trust issues with people. Which for me is a big issue I have isolated & stay silent. I don’t feel comfortable around people, do to all the lies, secrets, and refusals to talk things out. Don’t be afraid of what you did, just own it. I did everything asked of me & wanted of me, which absolutely got me nowhere. Instead, they were used against me in many different ways. They were also not my desires but another’s, and then they all tried to paint as that person based on what someone else desired, not me.

Like being brainwashed & then being accosted for that, but it was not your control. That’s why, I’m going back to the old me, circa 2007 before that even happened. How you attack & hurt the one person, who is doing everything you want to please you, is always a bewildering phenomenon. Hen you took all my dreams & turned them into nightmares.

I’m not even mad though, I just desire honesty & the truth. Truth is, if you had feelings for me or respected me, you’d just do that cause it’s right. I’m not at fault for you fumbling a gift wrapped situation. Butter fingers are the result of your own issues & should be addressed. Maybe what you seek is found in you salvation of that burden of what you’ve done.

I want to be a better person for it all & help you become better for seeing my truth. It’s like, how can you fix or address something, while being forbidden to talk to them? That’s just so crazy cray cray. People will never know, if they can’t take the time to ask or find that all out. Im presently available for the ones who want to move forward.

I’m retiring myself from one area to put more focus on myself being me again. It was always going to be shut down, I was just waiting to feel normal with myself again & get my feet under me. Now, I’m just walking away from it all & other things that aren’t my thing.

Dance lessons with Britney, is my new go to fav pastime. Dancing with the Stars, come on miss thang! They say old dogs can’t learn new tricks, but I think we could show them something. Two looney mentally crazies, showing the world, we are fine the way we are. It’s ok to be a little cray cray, dance therapy is all you really need.

You need to move out of California, that legal system is not conducive to your longevity. Cause, it always only takes one case, to strip it all away again. Just like I need to get myself out of this area, for my mental state. If you ever feel boxed in by everyone around you, I’m always on your side. You should shut them all up & show them who’s still the Queen of pop.

[thegoodplacey]

The year is 2042. Riverdale returns again for another new season. It's all the same cast. They are adults. They are highschoolers. The year in show is 2022 but also 2050 but actually 1958 for the musical episode where they sing nothing but songs from CATS. Betty is solving the mystery of a puddle that people dare each other to jump in, seemingly die, and then weeks later show up like it never happened except that they now have a tiny little hat on their head. The hats are never talked about in the show, ignored by the characters and then forgotten about 2 episodes later. Jughead is writing a novel but that gets side tracked when he gets abducted by a group of feral children in the woods that are addicted to sniffing perfume sample paper. This is an obvious drug metaphor but never clear which drug but the writers insist its a cool drug. Veronica is once again trying to stop her father from taking over Riverdale which is just a floating school and diner in space and no one ever brings up how that happened. There is a “bidding war” for a small mechanic shop (not shown) but it’s just Veronica and he father playing a game of uno. Cheryl has found her long lost brother and sister meaning her and her other brother and sibling were actually quintuplets but they left Riverdale years ago to both be the Jersey Devil. The three of them walk around the town and blood sprouts from the ground after them constantly. Everyone rolls their eyes are how dramatic they're being. A catchy pop song plays. Archie takes off his shirt. Then he takes off his skin. He still looks so hot and ripped. It's raining outside of pop's diner.

[slow-button-off]

I really don't mind my askbox being a place to vent but like please learn how to read before you start attacking me once again for things I have not said.

Why do you keep talking abt people who don't like Max? Is it illegal? Must we like him at all costs? Like wtf mind your business

You're the same person that said Lewis complimenting another driver is petty and that he's not traumatized by racial abuse, right?

Please point me to where I have said that.

I quite vividly remember my last post saying this: "You might think Max is the devil’s incarnate but why are you not happy for Charles that it isn’t toxic?"

My last post was just simply about the fact that I don't get that people hate Max so much they want it to be shit for Charles. A guy that had nothing to do with last year. Who you also like otherwise you wouldn't be on my blog to comment on a post that has no obvious tags.

Why do you keep ignoring the fact that Max used ableist language and said racist slurs (even the ONU had to intervene), apologized in with a classic "I'm sorry you felt offended but I could care less", defended Piquet's use of the N-word when Brazilians themselves called him out because yes, the word is still derogatory in Portuguese, and no, people didn't "misunderstand", called his gf his best purchase, followed extreme right wing politicians on Twitter (and only unfollowed them when the N-word scandal started)?

There is complimenting and then there is blatantly lying about a third party to make a petty statement about someone else. Do I need to post the racing lines? The onboards? So that people see that the racing line that Charles took was tighter, that he left less space? All of this is easily available on the internet!

I also never denied that everything that happened didn't have an impact, just that that one singular statement wasn't trauma inflicted but rather an active choice to make.

Lewis plays the press and he is good at it. There is nothing wrong in saying it. And before I get accused of it I don't mean he is playing the press wrt the racism he faces or the abuse, but with on track incidences. And what he said about copse is in fact him playing the press. Something he did not have to do but chose to do. And he can choose that but I can also say that it was petty because it was.

Or the fact that he candidly admitted that he pushes drivers off track on purpose and they'll crash if they don't back down and cede the position (he said so after Silverstone, where he pushed Mick out several times for 7th place)?

Please point me to where I have done the things you are accusing me of! Send me the links to the posts where I have done that.

Saying I don't hate Max doesn't mean I can't say that he said something stupid. An attitude more people should have about all drivers tbh and yes that includes Lewis.

And as a result of that, the Orange Army has harassed and shouted sexist and racist slurs at people in Austria? Because all people like that need is a bit of validation from their hero, and they'll keep being awful?

Honesty is the best policy. And also half the grid does that and you don't hate them for it. Charles again the best example. Also in Silverstone to Lewis. Carlos to Charles also in Silverstone. Albon to Norris and so on and so forth. Lewis on Albon in Austria 2020, Lewis on Albon in 2019.

Hot take: what do you think happened in copse last season? There was space, Lewis was behind and the attacking driver. He could've ceded positions just as easily.

They all do it.

Please point me to where Max has actively encouraged what happened in Austria? Because I am very willing to point you to him actively denouncing it in a presser. But I guess that doesn't fit the narrative.

Why is it always "YOU people are too sensitive and want to see him as a bad guy, but he's not!", and never hold him accountable for anything?

Where have I done that? Please point me to that exact post! and when you say that then please also hold your own guy accountable, because he like everyone else isn't a pristine blameless person that has never said or done anything wrong ever.

I rue the day DTS was created because people like you, who refuse to hold Max accountable for anything, keep using it as an excuse, like "Those people only hate Max because they fell for the narrative in DTS! They just want drama!"

When most people couldn't care less for a Netflix show and have been following F1 for decades.

Until you address all of these issues, you have no right to tell people "you just want him to be the villain!"

Oh so you are aware of the fact that Lewis as a 24 year old and even older said and did some shit that wasn't great? Like the transphobia, the misogyny towards the grid girls multiple times, like knowingly lying to the FIA and then getting disqualified, like tweeting confidential telemetry just because he was pissed.

He grew up, he learned and he got better and we have to at least leave that door open for the younger ones to do as well. He is a very different person at 37 now than he was at 24. And that's normal. But you need to allow others to get to do the same.

I have no obligation to address anything. This is my blog and I get to say and comment on what I want. If you don't like it then unfollow or block me. That's fine. I block people all the time. Sometimes just because I don't want to see what they post under tags.

And no, before you accuse me of it, I'm not a Brit nor a Mercedes fan. Believe it or not, even people who don't like Mercedes can care about racism, ableism, sexism and drivers purposely crashing into others to take them out.

I just like Charles and I enjoy seeing him happy. And driving against Max is something he quite clearly enjoys and cherishes a lot. And I like that he gets to enjoy it without it being toxic, because I above all want Charles to be happy and I doubt that he'd be happy in a toxic fight. I want for his experience in F1 to be enjoyable above all.

That's probably the most interesting thing to me. So you are a Charles fan, I assume seeing as you are on my blog, but got so worked up over a post where I said that I don't understand why people hate Max so much that they want this situation to be toxic for Charles.

Do you want a toxic fight for Charles? And if so why?

I personally as fan of his am glad that he doesn't have RB and Max shit on him alongside the media. And they've had plenty of opportunities to. Like Ted serving it up on a golden platter to Horner to get a headline. And I for one am glad that Horner didn't take the bait.

I like that Charles gets to enjoy the fight with RB and Max (because lbr Ferrari are making it hard enough themselves but even without that).

I just wonder about peoples intentions when they hate someone else so much that they'd rather make a nice situation into a toxic one for their own favourite just so that the other person suffers.

When your hatred for someone else is bigger than your fandom of your fave it's a bit weird no?

I don't get the whole "poor Charles needs to be saved from himself because he is so hard on himself" when in the same vain people want the fight to be toxic. As if that would be any easier on Charles.

Also, you must think that Charles is an absolute shit judge of character, well actually the entire Ferrari team considering some of them (Mattia and Gino) have sit down chats with Max.

There are also enough journalists that are gagging to have Charles say something bad about Max, yet he doesn't. So do you think he is so spineless that he can't speak his own mind? How do you justify him saying that if Max is such a horrible person through and through?

You are in my inbox accusing me of a litany of things just for saying I like that it's not toxic are you also in Charles dms doing the same? Because he seems to be somewhat of a fan of Max, or at least he isn't denouncing everything Max has ever said. You say Max is a dirty driver yet your own fave disagrees very publicly and repeatedly. Do you think Max is stood next to him in interviews holding a gun to his head? How to you explain that to yourself? Maybe Charles just enjoys driving and fighting like that too.

I am an adult with real life experience. And I know that ranting on the internet especially on a site like Tumblr as an anonymous person has zero real world impact. Instead of ranting and accusing others of things in their inbox I actually try to have an IRL impact. And I do my part offline. Performative activism on the internet is nothing other than performative activism. And if it makes you feel better about yourself then let's go you, but I'd rather have an actual impact for and on the people around me.

At the moment I don't even care for Max outside of his driving and his fight with Charles. But I am a younger sister and above all a petty af bitch and the more you keep coming into my inbox with things like this accusing me of things you've made up the more I'm gonna end up liking Max just out of spite.

[sophiapathic]

Sk8: The Infinity - A Take on Love

Because my six unfinished assignments can wait until I throw this into the void, scream for five hours and after my voice gets hoarse, I resort to watching the beach episode on loop until next Saturday.

This was entirely sparked by the recap episode, which really pressed the reak havoc and theorize button in my brain. I am truly losing my grip on reality. Help. I apologize in advance, creatures of Tumblr. 

Me right now:

Anyways... 

I saw people mention here and there screaming that “we need canon relationships and they will get trust issues if a romance isn’t confirmed by the end of the series”. I think that mindset is harmful to have in this case. You can’t really avoid being disappointed if you get into the series expecting it to deliver on your wishes of gay romances. So, this might be controversial, but stay with me please. The anime and manga are both confirmed to be based primarily about the characters themselves and of course the sport -skating. I was hoping to take a closer look at what the series intends to do with certain dynamics and relationships according to yours truly. I also want explain my reasoning behind it not being queerbaiting, though it being inherently queer-coded, through the current lense of the canon.

Sk8: The Infinity is unquestionably a love story.

We need to state the genres this series is in, because some of us tend to forget. It is in fact not a shounen-ai, not a yaoi, not a romance, not even a josei. Say it with me it is a series in: COMEDY and SPORTS.

(Source is the official US Sk8 website.) The spotlight is udoubtedly on skating and what it means. Another important highlight of the show is how the definition of the sport relates to the characters, and how vastly different they are from what we expect. For example, when we see Shadow first, we pigeonhole him into this vulgar indecent rock and roll persona, only to find out later that he is actually a stweetheart at a flower shop. Joe is another very good case study. When we first see him we think of him as a womanizer muscle-head, later we find out he has a heart of gold and is very emotionally intelligent. We’re also quick to judge Miya as the cold, unfeeling prodigy then we discover how lonely and normal he is on the inside. And so on and so on. 

The show continues to defy our expectations of what each character should be like. In a way it is about breaking the conventional stereotypical roles we subconsciously assign to certain looks. We see that even in anime, multifaceted characters can exist without distrupting or damaging the delicate dynamics of a traditional sports anime. We successfully established the second focal point of the series as disproving stereotypes and presenting strong, diverse and unexpected personalities.

How about the defition of skating? What does it mean in the context of Sk8: The Infinity then? Where does a love story come into the picture? Skating is repeatedly described as a ritual of love within the anime, an idea that our villian, Ad*m, is obessed with. In a sense skating is a language of love canonically.

Then skating itself is love. Throughout the series we see varied styles of skating therefore different ways of expressing love, affection. We get to experience several metaphorical ways of “being in love” through characters skating with each other. Each dynamic shows us a type of love. Healthy, disfunctional, outright abusive. 

The way Reiki teaches Langa to skate can be interpreted as a direct metaphor for someone learning to love again after losing a person close to them. Langa’s father has died and Reiki literally brings him out of his shell again. It can also be interpreted as a queer kid’s experience of a world of romance that feels similar to his previous one, that being snowboarding, yet it still being new and different. Skateboarding. When due to Reiki Langa’s potential is discovered and his hunger for more and more develops, especially next to Ad*m, Reiki’s main frustration stems from them not being well-matched or on equal footing anymore. He feels like he cannot give Langa what he needs anymore. Which would obviously go againts the literal description of a healthy romance. Two people with mutual respect who both bring equal assets to the table. He feels like he needs to catch-up to be with Langa again. The only thing he doesn’t consider is Langa’s deep appreciation of him and the fact that literally he was the one who helped Langa experince the feeling of love again.

Kojiro and Kaoru’s relationships, to me, is very much representative of two people  wanting to be in each other’s presence, but due to their different language of love, miscommunicating horribly. Them bantering and insulting each other is the only way they know what to do with the other. The only way they can ensure the other’s attention and eyes are on them. This has worked so far. They are literal opposites, but both have a very clear definition of their form of love. To Joe skating, or love itself, is about the feeling and going with the flow. Being spontaneous. Whereas for Cherry, every move needs to be calculated and executed perfectly in order to be “efficient”. Their frustration comes from both wanting different things from the other, but not communicating their need properly. Despite this, they stick together due to a magnetic pull they obviously feel towards the other. The attraction is there, the trust is there, they are even well-matched in skill as we see them neck-to-neck constantly. They could give each other what the other wants. Only if they could express themselves well... This is why Joe pushes Reiki towards reconciling with Langa. he wants them to not fall into the same trap of not stating their  needs and thoughts properly.

Now Ad*m and Langa are obviously problematic and I don’t really want to have to explain, honestly guys. I really don’t  (since I have trauma regarding this subject), but I need to go into this a little bit. This is a textbook toxic predatory relationship. Where the older, twisted, damaged person, has an obsession with a young, outstading child. He wants to lead him into “Paradise” and show his “Eve” what love is really about. (Ain’t that disgusting you guys...) His form of love is inflicting pain, so I really can’t imagine a scenario where he and his “Eve” live happily ever after and everything is fine and dandy. He needs someone who he can torture. He literally is looking for someone who can handle his way of expressing affection, his “love hug”, who has the same type of crazy eyes for adrenaline and danger. His Eve. In his distorted mind, this all makes sense and Langa is that someone he was looking for thoughout the years. The problem is, he disregards Langa’s side where the relationship becomes problematic.

Cherry and Ad*m during their younger years seems to be a very innocent infatuation on Kaoru’s end. It is a one-sided relationship where someone is in love with the idea of a person long gone. They were discovering the world of skating, or the world of love together with Ad*m taking the lead. Cherry immediately became infatuated with him, wanted to learn his love language, wanted to be at the same level he was. It probably started very innocent. At first, Ad*m being gentle, because that’s how Tadashi was with him too, then after whatever happened between those two, Ad*m, disappointed in the way of love, or skating, Tadashi showed him, returned to what his aunts taught him. Maybe after injuring Kaoru with the “love hug”, therefore eliminating him from being his potential partner, started looking for his “Eve”, gradually became more agressive in love as in skating. Kaoru was distraught and wanted the Ad*m he originally learned love from back. Holding out some hope even years after. Trained to get used to his “love hug”, to literally condition himself to be able to get close to him. Ad*m, however showed Cherry brutally that he truly cannot handle his way of love.

Ad*m and Tadashi. *sighs* As of this post, I don’t really have enough information to give you a good overview of what I see this relationship representing. As far as I can tell Ad*m was abused horribly and to ease the pain and make him forget, Tadashi showed his another way of expressing affection. Skating or love. Basically a first love gone horrible bad, scarring an already abused child and turning them into a monster. Tadashi himself reinstates this during one of the episodes. It was his fault that Ad*m turned out the way he did. Their love slowly became strongly abusive throughout the years. Tadashi is stuck in it because he feels like he deserves it. This is a metaphor for  dangers of an emotionally and physically abusive relationship, where one person feels responsible and the other is using power. Tadashi’s guilt keeps him next to his master and he even endures abuse, now he is trying to break out and show Ad*m he messed up and I think this could potentially be a good representation of how difficult that process truly is. 

As far as Reiki’s, Miya’s, Shadow’s skating goes. Their main arc relating to love is first and foremost learning to accept themselves and aprecciating their uniqe way and style of skating. Only after can they become people who can truly be accomplished in love/skating (in Miya’s case I’m obviously talking about platonic feelings). Each of them had a preconception of their persona in love/skating, which gets questioned heavily throughout the series. Miya gets defeated, Shadow’s soft side gets discovered, Reiki... well. I get sad. :c Even though he taught someone to love again, to appreciate life again, he ended up discovering how dissatisfied he truly is with himself... These three all need to learn to love every aspect of themselves to reach fulfillment and to really experience healthy human relationships.

Sk8: The Infinity is unquestionably a love story, without explicitly being a romance, meaning that it is a tale about love, both romantic, platonic and everything inbetween through a queer-coded lens, showing both dysfunctional, abusive and healthy relationships, ways to express emotions and even delves into self-love and the idea of nature versus nurture in the villian’s case.

That is why I, personally don’t scream for a canon couple. To me, the show gets its main point about affection and love across, without making any of these relationships explicitly stated. Not to mention that it does justice to both of its assigned genres. Comedy and Sports as well. Yeah sure, I wouldn’t complain, but I think these dynamics are more than satisfying to watch, and much deeper than bishounens wanting to bang each other, which is, in my opinion, inherently sexualized. If they want, yeah they can confirm, make it canon without forcing it to be a center storyline. Hell, I would even be happy about it. I would clap with all of us. BUT, as the series currently is, I really see it taking the other route because of the above. This way audiences who want a yaoi or ikemen going at it, won’t be disappointed with the series when they find doesn’t revolve around that, straight viewers will just find it flamboyant, and people who look for subtext and want to read between the lines will certainly do that with the amount of crumbs and hints the writers gave us. 

We don’t need outright, written in black and white gay representation in Sk8 to experience very real types of love. The queer theme is secondary to me, just like queerness is, in most people’s lives. Yeah sure, it is a big thing, but not the only attribute a person has. My life doesn’t revolve around my queerness. I rarely talk about it. If I was a main character this would be a side-arc. Just like Sk8 doesn’t revolve around the characters coming out. It’s just them living their lives and possibly being queer while doing so. If you look at it this way, it is almost normalizing attraction between same-sex people by just showing it as regular love. If you can, why not interpret it this way, so it can be a liberating experience instead of a disappointing one.

Please don’t attack me! I am fragile and this is only my opinion. c:  *crawls back into her hole*

[dreaminginvelaris]

Nesta: Your past does not excuse your actions

(I am not tagging anti because this post focuses more on being critical of Nesta's character/behavior than outright hating or shitting on her. If you’re one of the few who do not use any excuses towards Nesta’s behavior then this is not addressed to you.)

Since Sjm won't address the toxicity that goes on in her fandom when regarding those who use Nesta's past as a defense to the emotional, mental, and verbal abuse she inflicted on Feyre, and her behavior to others, I will use a quote from Leigh Bardguo from the podcast Write or Die, s2 ep1 to support my view.

For context: Leigh is talking about why she didn't give the Darkling a redemption arc etc. She then goes on to say, "Don't pretend that just because you had a rough childhood you get to be an asshole and an abuser."

What Bardugo said here is pure facts. Your childhood will never be an excuse for the way you treat others. Yes, your childhood can explain certain things, and it can explain why someone is the way they are. Nesta's childhood explains why she's cold and reserved and pushes others away. But it by no means excuses the abuse she inflicted on Feyre and even on Elain if we really wanna talk about it. (I am in no way excusing Elain for the part she played in Feyre's abuse, simply stating she was also a victim of Nesta's abuse in certain aspects)

Throughout A court of silver flames, this is exactly what Nesta did when acknowledging her behavior of all those years to Feyre and her behavior to others. She used the abuse of her Grandmother, the neglect and manipulation of her mother, the feeling of lack of love from her father, and the pressure she felt from society and parents to marry into an advantageous marriage, as well as the neglect her father displayed during the cabin years to excuse her treatment of Feyre during the years at the cabin and presently.

Instead of expressing regret for the actions and words she committed, she uses her past as a shield, as a valid reason as to why she abused her sister for years. She blames her parents and her upbringing for the way she is now, but the only thing you can blame those parents for is the childhood they gave her that lacked any warmth, compassion, or love. But Nesta's behavior, her attitude towards literally anyone, cannot be excused nor justified by her past. That she must take accountability on her own, something she has yet to actually do without making an excuse for herself and to ask forgiveness for the one person who deserves it.

Before anyone comes at me, I'm going to address it first. Rhysand. Yes, Rhys is an asshole, and yes he has committed abusive actions in the past. I can wholly admit that because it's the truth that I cannot nor will deny. But here's the difference: he never uses his childhood or trauma as an excuse. Remember it's usually some of the stans who do this for him, who use his trauma as a shield. This also goes to the Nesta stans because yes many of y'all do this often. But Rhys has never used his past as an excuse, for being an asshole. He owns up to it. When he gets called out on his shit, he admits to it and apologizes instead of using buts and ifs and half-assed excuses.

Nesta stans (some) have a habit of using her upbringing as a defense for her cruel behavior, not just to Feyre but others, and when you try to call them out on it, they'll deny it and say they're just "explaining her behavior not excusing it" which is literally bullshit because we all know what they're doing except for apparently them.

The reason I am using Leigh Bardugos words on the Darkling is because Leigh Bardugo is one of the most highly regarded authors in the book community. So if you cant take my word on it, that your past doesn't excuse your present actions, take it from Leigh Bardugo, who is a beloved and highly esteemed author, that I know many of us respect. I hope that you hear her words and understand there is no excuse whatsoever for what Nesta did. I hope you hear her words and understand that I nor others are not being "unsympathetic" to people like Nesta who had a hard life. I simply will not have her past be used as protection to Nesta's shitty behavior and treatment of Feyre and others.

"Don't pretend that just because you had a rough childhood you get to be an asshole and an abuser." -Leigh Bardugo

[the-six-espada]

TBB Spoilers below. A rant (please don’t pay me any mind, I might delete this :d)

I’ve been fighting the urge to write about this but I decided what the hell. Please note that I’m aware I am discussing the emotions and narrative of a fake show, with a fake universe and fake characters – I’m just dumping some thoughts I’ve had in the past few days.

I’m not aiming to change anyone’s opinion here – I’m well aware there are a lot of people who don’t like Crosshair as they’ve made it painfully aware in the past weeks, however I do want to calmly explain a few things and if you’re interested in reading them be my guest.

I can understand that a lot of people might not entirely comprehend the emotions I will try to explain party because they perhaps never experienced them and partly because I probably won’t word them accurately enough but I will do the best I can.

The contents of the last episode of the Season 1 Bad Batch series have left me a little broken. I’m really trying to not get too emotional but the contents of this series have triggered some emotional trauma I’ve buried (as I’m sure it did for a lot of people, but I will be speaking only for myself here) – I’m not blaming the show in any way. I love the show. It’s because of its good writing and setting that this hurts so much.

Crosshair being left again is really upsetting to me for a lot of reasons. The gaping distance created by the Bad Batch and Crosshair is so hurtful. Earlier on in the show, after seeing the complete disregard for their brother, I thought that perhaps there is part of this narrative that we are missing. Maybe the relationship between them wasn’t as good as we thought. Maybe at some point during their upbringing or the numerous missions they’ve been on together these guys figured out they hate their brother. Or at least don’t care for him. Which would be enough of a reason for them to completely not hesitate to continue their lives without him. However what I cannot understand is – how can you leave him stranded on a platform on a planet that is just water, where the only building on that planet has been blown up minutes prior, without his weapon and backpack.

They practically left him for dead.

You don’t care about your brother and you don’t want him to be on your team? Fine. You can’t get past your differences and work together or have a healthy conversation about your differences in opinions? Understandable. But please explain to me how leaving him with no weapon on a absolutely deserted planet makes any sense? Even if the Empire does come back to look for him (which in my opinion is highly unlikely) what do you think they will do to him? The only Empirial teammate he had and was left alive saw him and snitched on him to Rampart. They gave the order to kill him alongside the other clones. They most likely will either kill him or experiment on him. Hunter knows this. He might not be certain exactly what’s going to happen but he for a fact knows the Empire will discard him - he said so to Crosshair on two occasions.

So now in my opinion is just a question of basic human decency to at least drop him somewhere - on another planet at least I don’t know.

For the people who think Crosshair was too rude to his brothers in the last episode and was making too snarky replies. First, it’s not news that Crosshair in general does that - since day one he has been sarcastic and borderline “rude”. Whether or not his brothers found that annoying or not is up to debate but at least in my opinion they didn’t seem too bothered by it. Ask anyone with siblings - bickering is part of the family relationship. Second, I don’t know if you ever encountered someone after a dramatic breakup (doesn’t matter if it’s a friendship or a romantic relationship) but his behavior was presented very accurately. Please try to imagine getting into a fight with someone you had years of build relationship, people who you deeply cared for and trusted, people you probably loved. You get into a fight, you fall out and don’t hear each other for some time. Now you have a lot of time for these emotions to brew inside you - you will mainly feel sadness. Why did this happen? Why are they not reaching out? They know you are in pain so why aren’t they trying to remedy things? Queue all of the moments you had together, all the good memories, all the emotions you’ve shared and how much you devoted yourself to them. Was it all fake? Did they feel the same? Then comes anger. How could they? How could you? Why did you let yourself be this vulnerable with someone? Why are they not trying to communicate with you? Don’t they hurt the same as you? This segment by the way opens up a whole other door of trust issues and thoughts that lead you to conclusions to never let yourself be this vulnerable with others or have any kind of deep emotions for anyone else but we are not going to tackle that. (Not to mention that until that point Crosshair was already presented as a very closed off character and probably the only people he truly felt comfortable with were his brothers but never mind that now.) So you are angry and sad. Unfortunately even with all that hurt you don’t stop loving this person/these people because it just doesn’t work like that. In fact it is so painful because you love them. Time passes and you finally meet and the first thing that it’s itching at your tongue is to tell them they have hurt you. Which Crosshair did - he explained they’ve left him even though they were brothers and in a way betrayed him. Then comes the desire to inflict pain back - it’s completely irrational because a part of you wants to patch things up but another just wants to get payback. To say something, anything, to hurt them. It’s erratic, childish - exactly what we can see from Crosshair in this last episode. He takes every opportunity to bite back. And honestly I can’t blame him. That’s a totally normal response. I would like to point out that in a way the batch does that too - they are not warm to him in any way either, which again is valid since from their point of view they also probably feel betrayed by him. Also, the fact that he doesn’t feel the need to physically harm them (even though as he said it would have been totally justifiable from his point of view) but just make a few snarky remarks? Yeah, I would let that slide.

Honorable mention to the fact that no one apologized .. for anything. Even a casual “sorry, we left you” or “sorry, we didn’t bother to come looking for you” - nothing. I think at this point no one was expecting for the batch to start dramatically confessing their feelings but just a plain apology would have been a great start. It just confuses me so much. Hunter said to Omega “I’m angry at myself. We don’t leave our own behind.” and yet couldn’t express a simple gesture of apology to him? It makes no sense to me. I know that not everyone is emotional. Not everyone can have or express strong feelings for another human being in a relationship. But the complete lack of interest from the batch since day 1 about what is happening with their brother is baffling to me.

I’m gonna say this once and there are probably going to be people out there who don’t get it and that’s fine but: If you deeply care about someone and love them you would want them to come back. Against all odds. In spite of what they say. You would dare do the impossible just for the off chance something, anything, works and you get to have them back.

The Batch went back to save Hunter. On Kamino. In a situation where, honestly, they were going to die if it wasn’t for Crosshairs decision to give them a chance. They were walking in outnumbered against a person who knew and could predict their every move. And they knew that but they had to try. No such thing at any point was shown for Crosshair. They didn’t even try to get to him at the end. The only one who did was Omega. And I’m willing to believe that if Hunter or whoever stepped in after her conversations with him he was perhaps going to crack but.. no one even tried.

I don’t want to seem like I hate the show or the other characters. Words cannot express how good this show is and how accurately it’s written (in my opinion) but it’s just hurtful. And I believe a lot of us Crosshair fans are hurt because we can empathize. I’m not living under the illusion that my opinion of Crosshair is going to change anyone else’s - this is not what I’m trying to do. This is my post, take it or leave it. I just had thoughts and wanted to lay them out. If you read through all of this, thank you for giving it your time.

[loving-villanelle]

Omg, I love your posts. Just seeing how increasingly and erratically desperate you are for a rewrite or an apology and I'm like, "thank goodness for this beautiful untamed beast!" Like, I just feel better knowing you're out there representing the fandom in this way. I love all your takedowns of LN and your endless optimism for a finale fix someday. Keep up the great work and the amazing commentary. Stay the course friend!

Beautiful untamed beast 😂😂😂. I don't know about that first adjective but the rest sounds about right! Thank you for the kind words!! It's just frustrating, because I've been here before. I lived through Lexa and there are people who lived through it before me. I never wanted to have to live through it again. I thought we had reached a place where we would never have to live through it again. I thought we had reached a place where the generation who hadn't yet been touched by this tragedy would be safe from ever having to experience that trauma and pain, so as hurt and devastated as I am, I am also angry! Because we know better! Everyone knows better! They can't claim ignorance, especially when Kayleigh was in that room telling them how wrong they were! They consciously and deliberately chose to inflict this trauma on the audience and THAT IS NOT OKAY. We can't just sit back and throw up our hands and say oh well, what can we do?? This is hard, because we don't seem to have anyone on our side. There's reviews left and right slamming the finale, but who is on the front lines with us like with Lexa? NO ONE. It's like people decided that since the show is over, that's that. That is not that. We are not about to send the message that it's okay to BYG, as long as you wait and do in the series finale of the show. So please, keep fighting that good fight.

Contact AMC/BBC here. Ask them why they continue to promote a series that perpetuated the harmful BYG trope and why they haven't yet addressed the fallout.

Contact GLAAD here. They've already done an article with CNN. Continue to report this to them, as it may motivate them to call for a statement or explanation from the network/production company.

Most importantly, contact Sally Woodward Gentle/Sid Gentle films.

SWG can be reached here: Sally Woodward-Gentle, CEO

sidgentle.com

info@sidgentle.com (email)

+44 (0)207 034 2660 (phone)

AMC/BBC essentially laid all the blame at the feet of the production company, so let's go straight to the source. Explain why the BYG trope is so harmful, explain the traumatic ramifications of this decision, ask for accountability and responsibility and a statement on the matter. Luke Jennings could address us, why can't she??

As always, I'm here to help however I can. Please take a few minutes to contact these organizations. Change doesn't come easy and we deserved better. So let's make some noise

[lettersfromxadia]

I’m sorry.

For everyone I have hurt and all I have done. I let my pain, hurt, and desperation justify being hateful and mentally abusive, and I’m sorry. 

My behavior was unacceptable. I am leaving this fandom and getting the therapy I need. I’ve been broken for a long time, but that is not an excuse for these abusive cycles and tendencies. Nobody else is to blame for my thoughts. I was wrong in crying out and naming names. I thought it was my only choice, but they did nothing wrong and it was emotionally manipulative attempts to guilt trip. 

In desperation and self loathing I justified so many immortal and awful things: tagging main accounts, naming names, and guilt tripping into trying to make people feel bad. Because I needed help. that help, however, cannot come from others and isn’t owed to me by them. I have to help myself, and owe it to the world to fight and try. My mental illness and self hatred, my struggles, are not an excuse for this behavior. Ever. 

I know I’ll never be forgiven and that’s okay. I made repeated mistakes trying to fight this. But pain and trauma is never an excuse to utilize abusive tactics to inflict that on others, and that’s what I was doing. A vindictive part of me wanted revenge. 

I’ve let this cycle go on for months hurting people, and it needs to end. So I’m stepping away and getting therapy. End of story. I’m sorry for anyone I hurt or scared last night. I’m human. that’s not an excuse for my past behavior, but a promise to improve myself. 

I understand why people have me blocked, and it was right to be called out for my toxic behavior. You don’t have to change your opinion of me, unblock me, not hate me, or forgive me. I have to move on accepting I won’t have a place here and will never regain that. It will never be the same. 

I don’t know if I’ll ever fully heal from that loss and trauma, if I’ll ever forgive myself. Maybe I’m not meant to. What I know is this past day has been a full wake up call, and I am getting the therapy I need to heal and better myself.

I owe that to myself and all of you. I think I’ll put this in the main tags for one night so everyone who saw my last post (which has been deleted) and was hurt or frightened can see this. After this there will be no more posts, and I will leave the fandom until I am healed.  

I never meant to hurt anyone, and I am truly sorry for all that I did. All I’ve ever wanted was a narrative of love, but in my toxic cycles of self loathing and posting I was dragging this on and contributing to the opposite. I genuinely believed the things I wrote, but I should have recognized that that was my mind twisting things-- not feelings to post about and accuse people of. Putting those words in people’s mouths was not okay.

I don’t know if I’ll get through this, if I’ll ever be able to fully heal from the loss and what I did, but I am going to try and get help and believe in myself. You can hate me. You can never forgive me. That’s okay, I’ve earned it.

While I’m done, just please make it narrative of love for everyone else. I’m done hurting people, I’m done fueling this toxic cycle, and I am done looking for validation in the wrong places. I must help myself. 

I don’t expect to earn your trust. I don’t expect anyone to unblock. I don’t expect your forgiveness. All I hope is to earn your belief in my apology. And that is the work I am going to do while I leave this space which has been harming me/ others and get the help I need. 

[missed-connections-of-fear]

on avatarhood post-fearpocalypse

Not sure how to write this one down. When I haven't been actively putting it off, I've been starting and deleting this for the past hour or so. I think a place of honesty is the best way I can carry forward. So, uh, four things:

1. This isn't really much of a lost connection. Sorry.

There are some people I encountered that I do, genuinely, want to see and/or hear from again. There are others that, while I don't want to see again, I am morbidly curious to see where they ended up. The only problem is that, well, in some ways I did lose connection! Internet connection. Voluntarily.

After the apocalypse, I just didn't touch the internet for months. It was annoying as hell, but I absolutely had to. For the first month after I got home, I kept most of my electronics in a box. Stayed as far away from social media as possible, and am still trying to. This is because--

2. My domain was... weird.

As in: my domain was my phone. I think.

No, I wasn't (physically) trapped inside of it, or attached to it in a dependent way. Well, I guess in some ways I was trapped in there, right? When I realized that my phone was... I don't know, malevolent? Influencing me? Influencing others? When I realized that, I tried to break it or throw it away a few times, but it'd remain in tact, or just come back like the world's weirdest boomerang.

But even during the apocalypse, it was just a normal phone (aside from not running out of battery). It was my only degree of normalcy, so I started to make diary vlogs. I thought it was really funny how TikTok was still operational, so I decided to post some there for kicks just to see what other people thought. Hell, I just wanted to know if there were other people still out there.

I didn't want to think about the implications. I still don't. Call me a coward if you'd like: I certainly do.

3. I need to find someone else like me.

The main reason I'm writing this here, now, is that I want to know I wasn't the only one who had a domain like this. I hadn't realized how literal some domains were until everyone else in my life started to talk about it, and for--er, reasons--I wanted to keep my mouth shut just in case whatever I said gave someone the wrong idea.

I really need to hear that I'm not the only one whose domain wasn't a place. I really want to hear that there's someone else out there who--I don't know, wasn't confined to a location but was still afraid. Apparently there were some people who just can't feel afraid and weren't affected, and there was this whole thing about Melanie King "severing a connection" or whatever, but... I was neither of those things.

I've always been a little emotionally detached, but that didn't mean I wasn't fucking terrified, y'know? I could see the Change from my apartment window and I thought my family's mental illnesses were finally catching up to me. There are so many things I thoughtlessly recorded that I ended up deleting once everything stopped. I don't even know why I thought it'd be a good idea to keep those, even if it was just to reaffirm to myself that it was, in fact, happening.

Recently I bought a new phone. The dread remains all the same whenever I look it.

4. I think I was an Avatar.

I tried to delay the inevitable as long as I could, but that was probably, deeply, unfair. And this is starting to get away from me very fast, so I think I need to get to the point, like, now.

I don't want to get too deeply into it--"it" being all the warning signs and personal trauma and whatever the fuck entails "becoming an Avatar." I might have even been an Avatar even before the Change; I genuinely don't know, but it doesn't matter much to me anymore.

(My personal opinion is that, in the apocalypse--and if evidence suggests, before it--there was a spectrum with two ends when it came to the entities: the fearful and the feared. One ate, one was eaten, and your point on that spectrum could be shifted at any time. Any time.)

That aside, I genuinely don't know what entity I "served" or whatever. It was part coping and part survival the entire way through for me. Beholding seems like the obvious choice, since I was recording and talking to people, but... I embodied a lot of other things too. I think if I explain it, it'll make more sense:

Sometime into making my vlogs, I started running into other people. They'd always be a little bewildered to see me, but whatever torture they were enduring or inflicting would just... come to a halt. In the beginning, I didn't even realize that the people were going through hell: I was just so relieved to see someone that I'd call out to them, ask them how they were doing, sit with them and just relish the company of a human being for awhile. I didn't even realize the camera was recording some of the time.

And those first few times, I'd practically beg the person (or people) to come with me. They always accepted, even though I was simultaneously super clingy and closed-off. They always put up with me and my stupid phone. But they were never able to stick around.

By the time I stopped remembering faces, I stopped asking.

I had resolved to find somebody important to me in the very beginning, so I was always travelling. But I never stopped trying to talk to anyone I found. I'd always say some shit like, "Care to introduce yourself to the viewers?" and, "So tell us what traumas are going into your cringe compilation," and other influencer lingo just to lighten the mood, but some things--referring to the "viewers" and speaking about myself in the plural--became reflex.

And our conversations always came with the expectation of speaking of some sort of trauma. A tiny part of me always looked forward to it: I always tried to remind myself that people wanted to talk about themselves, their problems, and to be able to talk; that I was just one of many people in a bad situation and that I shouldn't prioritize my own suffering.

But I think... well, if I describe it, there's no damn way I won't be called a sociopath by someone. So just assume that I uncomplicatedly enjoyed their pain and pat yourself on the back for being able to believe you're still morally upright after all this time.

Sorry. It's just... I've been thinking about how people might respond a lot. I've curated a lot of this just to make sure no one tries to witch-hunt me while still trying to keep my story believable.

I think that's a sign to stop digging my own grave.

Apologies for how long it got in the end there, haha. I'm trying to... not really put this all behind me, I don't think any of us can. I've accepted what had become of me--or, well, I'm in the process of it--thus why I'm back on the internet in the first place.

I haven't gotten rid of the old phone yet, because... I've been thinking about uploading some of the videos I've recorded. From the Fearpocalypse. I desperately want to delete all of it, to keep it out of reach (my reach, particularly), but I... I think it needs to be archived somewhere. Anywhere.

You’re not an advice column, but since I’ve already gotten this far… well, I shouldn’t ask more than that. If I upload those videos, and you recognize me or yourself, feel free to reach out. I live in East Texas, but I somehow stumbled across some domains in Britain, Egypt, Japan, the Philippines, etc… (I didn’t learn about the Entities until the late leg of the apocalypse, so I was just trying to find domains that seemed to connect to the fears of the person I was looking for. Lots of Lonely, Slaughter, and End domains.)

(ROSE’S NOTES: damn another long post, I don’t know what to say. I uh. I hope you can find comfort in the internet again. I personally don’t know what i’d do if I had that domain. The internet is a safe place for me and has been for nearly a decade. Damn. Rose getting into stuff she should talk to a therapist about huh? Anyways. I guess to make a post that’s already long longer, I hope this post has made you feel better. I hope you find someone to talk with who understands what you went through. Take care my friend)

[drifblimss]

content warnings for my blog❤️🐌

✨this is my personal blog, i didnt make it with the goal of gaining a following in mind. i vent here sometimes. everything i share is completely random based on if i want to share it!! so it might not be the blog for everyone. if you are looking at my blog, please be mindful that some of the content i share here may be triggering to anyone who:✨

🧃struggles with disordered eating, or has in the past [whether to are currently in recovery or not] [i share posts of imagines of food, posts describing food, posts discussing eating and i may occasionally share posts that related to struggling with disordered eating, like not wanting to eat or not eating for periods of time]

🧃is struggling with self h//rm via self inflicted w//unds [ex c//tting or p//cking], has struggled with it in the past, or who has contemplated intentionally causing injury to their own body at any point. [i share imagines of sharp items like knives and swords, and on occasion may share imagines of things like r//zor bl//des. i will never reblog imagines of recent wounds. I may reblog images of people with scars.]

🧃is uncomfortable with or triggered by traumacore, or by people venting in places you can see it [talking in images or text posts about feeling angry, sad, depressed, empty, used, traumatized, dirty, violated, misunderstood, unloved, unwanted, worthless etc. these are strong emotions to take in and you are not a bad person if you are uncomfortable with or upset by seeing these things]

🧃is uncomfortable seeing content that is sexual in nature [references to sex, references to kink, photos or images of people or characters in lingerie, sexual jokes, or images that are depicted prior to, during, or after the character[s] depicted have had sex or done sexual things]

🧃is uncomfortable with or triggered by seeing posts about age regression, also known as agere [any and all posts that have anything to do with agere that are shared on this blog will be SAFE FOR WORK, cgl is another thing entirely. This blog is a safe space away from ddlg/cgl and age regression will not be spoken about in an even remotely sexual way on this blog. Diaper related content will also not be anywhere on this blog. Diaper-use isn’t always sexual, but my exclusion of it from the content I share is a personal preference.]

🧃is uncomfortable with discussion of i references to non-monogamous relationships [discussion of ongoing or past non-monogamous relationships, text or images referencing or hinting at non-monogamous relationships, etc]

🧃is uncomfortable with or is triggered by religious imagery, or discussion of religious symbols [crosses, rosaries, churches, church bells, chapels, etc] angels, angel wings, angelic behaviour, Jesus, the Christian/Catholic God [or discussion of Jesus or God in a negative light/someone speaking about not believing in Jesus or God or saying that if they existed bad things would not happen] demons, the devil, sin(ning), priests [and mentions of priests commonly abusing their power in sexual and non-sexual ways] nuns, virginity, etc, or people discussing religious trauma [religion making them feel dirty, used, worthless, or like a failure/a sinner/a wh//re, religion having played a pet in their physical, emotional or s//xual abuse, or religion reminding them of past abuse] [this applies almost exclusively to Christianity/Catholicism. I share posts mentioning other religions here and there, but Christian imagery is very common for my blog as I am a fallenangelkin]

🧃is uncomfortable with the subject of Wicca, or any religions that practice witchcraft [the meanings of crystals or herbs, references to the purposes that items like crystals, herbs, jars, bone and other organic matter from living creatures, candles, etc serve when practicing witchcraft, references to contact with spirits or deities, mentions of Wiccan holidays/events like Litha, Ostara, Yule, Manon etc, or mentions of people celebrating these days, mentions of covens or other gatherings relating to the practice of witchcraft, mentions or images of runes, pentacles/pentagrams, grimoires [book of shadows/‘spell book’] or anything else relating to witchcraft. [this subject will likely come up often on my blog, as I am a witch.]

🧃is uncomfortable with discussion of or references to someone suffering emotional, physical or s//xual abuse in the past

🧃is uncomfortable with or triggered by seeing or reading use of the f slur [(f//g)g//t], the t slur [tr//nny], or words like sl//t or wh//re [these words are only used in a light-hearted, non-derogatory way on this blog ; we do NOT stan sl//t-shaming or making people feel bad/guilty/dirty for having sex, enjoying sex, not being virgins, having high body-counts, getting pregnant, having early pregnancies etc]

🧃is uncomfortable with mentions or discussions of medications, surgeries or other medical procedures [discussion of these topics will never be in depth and images of surgeries or almost any kind of gore will not be posted here, but i am transgender and will likely discuss my medical transition here, and I am also currently on three medications and may discuss them here], or is uncomfortable with images of pills/pill bottles, or drawings of needles/syringes [real photos of needles and syringes will not be posted here because they make me very uncomfortable]

my apologies if i missed anything! thank you for reading :3

[perpetualoutkast]

Well, Let’s Ponder That?

Why don’t you try to actually reach out personally, and apologize sincerely for the wrongs you chose to inflict. Maybe, afterwards we can then talk like two human beings. It’s not too much, to own up to your faults.

As with you, also everyone else who can’t be real with their actions. I’m not going to continue having one sided conversations & interactions. This part though, always seems to be where people don’t want to deal with what they’ve caused.

I can be forgiving, but I’ve said numerous times, that you have to come clean from your transgressions. This wasn’t a solo act, so I’m not the only one. Everybody always pointing fingers, but refusing themselves to be a productive part of the conversation.

Think of all the simple things, answers to questions, being honest & not breaking deals. Very easy & un hard things, even a young kid could accomplish on their own. The walls that are constructed are not my own, but by others to shield their own demons. It was all great when I was blind to everything, but I can’t unsee or somehow unknowingly forget it all.

I’m not the victim, but trying to be the healer of issues people hold. This whole thing started with me asking for clarifications on the actions of others. Trying to continually deflect it back only upon myself, is only perpetuating it all. With some it only revolves around one thing, which is the crux of the issue.

When people can post vids of someone without consent, that seems not be an issue at all. Yet, me doing things with them cut out of it all, now is such a bad thing. I am amazed what is seen as a non problem action versus a problematic action in this whole episode.

You’re going to have to face it sooner or later, because I’m not leaving anyone behind. We are all going together & that’s breaking the generational curse. It’s really cheap to say all the things in songs over all the years, but not once to me. Expecting me to what, just somehow know that and connect dots? Not one of you has shown any ability to understand he issues at hand.

When I came around after my trauma experience & then so everyone as two or more people, it was hard to figure out if my mind was just fucked up. Yet when I reach or confront those people about things, instead of getting clarity, I’m made out to be some crazy person so to keep up the secrecy.

When I tried with one, to put bygones behind us with a New Years celebration, how’d that end up? Over what? Yes, dumb things but can’t just constructively talk about it all. My voices don’t stop & I overthink because the things dangled in front of me. Then when I inquire, it’s like I’m so horrible for wanting to put in the missing pieces.

A single conversation can end so many issues & mental problems, but also show the part you played. Many people lied & did rotten things. Someone goes through my phone & then goes gossiping about, but hasn’t come to me or asked for full clarity. Then everyone makes up their own interpretations without asking me if even right.

I’ll go back to the biggest problem, with throwing kids in my face that I knew nothing about. Somehow though, everyone else is aware of all of that. They are my number one priority, even if they refuse to talk or have anything to do with myself. Except, that hangs in limbo cause it’s kept a secret away from me.

I’ve made amends with my actions & things with others. I’ve openly shown all what I feel, hoping to get those to do their parts. I’m not suffering things to heal from health wise. I’m suffering being confused & not fully certain on what is missing from my full understanding. It’s been the issue from the beginning, I’ve had to chase down things I never should of ever needed to do.

It goes to great lengths to fix my trust issues with people. Which for me is a big issue I have isolated & stay silent. I don’t feel comfortable around people, do to all the lies, secrets, and refusals to talk things out. Don’t be afraid of what you did, just own it. I did everything asked of me & wanted of me, which absolutely got me nowhere. Instead, they were used against me in many different ways. They were also not my desires but another’s, and then they all tried to paint as that person based on what someone else desired, not me.

Like being brainwashed & then being accosted for that, but it was not your control. That’s why, I’m going back to the old me, circa 2007 before that even happened. How you attack & hurt the one person, who is doing everything you want to please you, is always a bewildering phenomenon. Hen you took all my dreams & turned them into nightmares.

I’m not even mad though, I just desire honesty & the truth. Truth is, if you had feelings for me or respected me, you’d just do that cause it’s right. I’m not at fault for you fumbling a gift wrapped situation. Butter fingers are the result of your own issues & should be addressed. Maybe what you seek is found in you salvation of that burden of what you’ve done.

I want to be a better person for it all & help you become better for seeing my truth. It’s like, how can you fix or address something, while being forbidden to talk to them? That’s just so crazy cray cray. People will never know, if they can’t take the time to ask or find that all out. Im presently available for the ones who want to move forward.

I’m retiring myself from one area to put more focus on myself being me again. It was always going to be shut down, I was just waiting to feel normal with myself again & get my feet under me. Now, I’m just walking away from it all & other things that aren’t my thing.

Dance lessons with Britney, is my new go to fav pastime. Dancing with the Stars, come on miss thang! They say old dogs can’t learn new tricks, but I think we could show them something. Two looney mentally crazies, showing the world, we are fine the way we are. It’s ok to be a little cray cray, dance therapy is all you really need.

You need to move out of California, that legal system is not conducive to your longevity. Cause, it always only takes one case, to strip it all away again. Just like I need to get myself out of this area, for my mental state. If you ever feel boxed in by everyone around you, I’m always on your side. You should shut them all up & show them who’s still the Queen of pop.