#i am very upset by this but i know a solution for feeling better: reading spiderbit fics thumbs up

[amangoicedtea]

Something new

Hi! I have never written anything like this or posted on tumblr like this so sorry if it is not very good, I tried. Also wrote this about the flames game because I am not well about the mustache being gone, so just imagine it is still there.

Sidney Crosby x reader

Warnings: none

Read below:

“Are you sure?” Sidney asked for what felt like the 100th time. 

“Yes… I’m sorry, I’m just not ready,” she said, “I will still be watching, I promise.”

“Okay, I’ll see you later, yeah?” He walked out the door leaving you alone in his apartment, that he is lovingly letting you crash at. You know he did not like leaving you alone, but he felt better with you being at the house, his house.

The game didn't start for another couple hours so you decided to read while you wait. It was relaxing just laying in his bed while his cat sat with you, very domestic. Moving in was not something the two of you had discussed, still early in the relationship, but he had been leaving hints around, like an extra key and wishing you would stay the night rather than leave. Not that you were upset by it, a hockey player with a cute ass cat, yeah no fight necessary. But there was always going to be something in the back of your mind a little worried about the relationship. Sidney is 37 while you are 26, not a child by any means, but an eleven-year age gap might raise concerns by fans. That was the reason you weren't going to the game tonight and just stuck with watching it in his house. The age gap was a sore spot for the two of you, because while Sidney was never a very public man, especially with his love life, he still wanted you to feel comfortable going out with him and going to games, which is why it was so hard to turn him down every other day.

When enough time passed, the game was starting, cozied up in bed with Maverick watching the national anthem being sung. The penguins were playing the flames at home tonight, with the penguins on a hot streak, it should be an interesting game. Luckily, the win streak continued with a 2-6 Penguins win, Sidney got an assist so he should be happy. Once more time passed after the game ended and the post-game interviews started, Sidney appeared again looking smiley and happy after the win. Zoning out to his voice, you fight to stay awake, the best solution is to get up and get something to eat so you don’t fall asleep while you wait for Sidney. 

Hours later, after you ate and read some more of your book, you hear the door being unlocked. Sidney comes down the hall towards his room where he knows you are at and smiles. He hates that you wait up for him, but secretly he loves being able to talk to you once he gets home. 

“That was a great game, Sid!”

“Yeah I am pretty happy about it,” he says while doing his cute little half smile. “Happy to be home though.”

“I’m happy you are home too, maybe next game I’ll go see you play,” you add sheepishly.

“Really?”

“Yeah, I like watching you play here but I know seeing it in person would be amazing,” you said, “and I have been thinking about it, and I think I might be ready to not hide anymore, I trust you, and it's not like you would make a big instagram post or anything.”

“Thank you,” he says, quickly he goes and changes and crawls right back in bed, “that would be everything I need.” 

[lilybug-02]

Ngl Asriel is a bitch in the Chara timeline. I don’t mean this as offensive to you I’m talking about the character in general how bad it is character wise not writing wise (like how Jax is in TADC. He’s a bad guy but not a bad written character).

Asriel pisses me off so fucking much like bro I would’ve dumped his ass ages ago. First off he really doesn’t understand Chara because yeah he hasn’t gone through the shit they’ve gone through and on the soul entity topic. CHARA GREW UP BEING TAUGHT THAT THESE THINGS WERE GOOD- bro should’ve have a little understanding on why they would be a little bit upset.

Oh and let’s not talk about his reaction to when he found Kris like brother immediately thought Chara did something his best fucking friend and that pisses me off- IF HE THINKS THAT LOW OF HIS OWN FRIEND THEN HE SHOUDL FUCK OFF.

I am in no way criticizing you or your writing I love the Chara timeline but I the urge to punch that stupid “good boi” goat is so strong. Chara deserves so much better than him, I know even they have their flaws but Asriel is so much worse.

Damn! I have yet to read a comment so brutal! But I appreciate your insistence that it's not my writing (even though it may be at times lol) and I appreciate that very much. ❤️

Asriel's whoosy attitude IS intentional (and sometimes accidentally unintentional) in the comic. I started fleshing his character out more later in the comic bc I had focused so much on Chara's and Kris'.

I've drawn him to look more as a lovable cartoon goat-man, but he certainly has his faults. He butts heads with Chara a lot because both of them have very different ways of trying to solve solutions.

Asriel is hesitant, thoughtful, and/or a pushover. While Chara can be brash, spiteful, and/or assertive.

I tried my best to match their personalities to their Undertale ones (from my perspective, of course). Chara thinks killing themselves is a good plan, while Asriel goes along with the plan and backs out at the last second.

I make the two fight multiple times in the comic to illustrate their rough friendship. It's not perfect, just like in Undertale, but maybe in this Universe they can have time to develop it in a healthy way.

You are free to choose how you feel about it though!

[nownahc]

tokens of appreciation | jww.

introduction | wonwoo & company

prev. | m.list | next

wonwoo | ▶• ılıılıılılıılıılı. oh my god by fog lake

facts

- picked up photography when he was really young. his brother had wanted to try it out but quickly gave up. wonwoo tried it for himself, and never let go since then - a senior in photography major. often gets upset with some of the teachers view on art. thinks they're too closed off. also, very shy about posting his pictures. - likes to be alone on his night strolls to take pictures. still, he can't say no when mingyu asks to tag along. - apart from photography, wonwoo loves gaming, reading and puzzles - wonwoo lives alone and tends to feel lonely. he never states so though. - he's closed off and never really talked about his feelings or struggles. always managed to say enough to quiet his friends and not enough to be truthfull about what he's going through

one thing hoshi would like wonwoo to know... open up more, we're worried about you

mingyu | ▶• ılıılıılılıılıılı. how to drown by cottonwood firing squad

facts

- often get mischaracterized as a dumb, casanova guy. often gets insecure because of that and, lowkey scared that he'll end up becoming the person everyone thinks he is - genuinely frustrated and sad when people don't approach him because of that. thinks no one really knows nor understand who he is. exept wonwoo - childhood bestfriend with wonwoo. spent 2 years without talking to each others though. the reasons why will never be disclosed by neither of them - mingyu always has his phone on him in case his family, or friends seek help, he thrives in being people's happy pill - it's rare for mingyu to shut down or be quiet. when he does, it means that he's seriously in pain - he doesn't believe in grudges, if he accepts your apology, then consider your fault completly erased in his brain. just don't do it twice.

one thing seungcheol would like mingyu to know... you're a better person than i am

seungcheol | ▶• ılıılıılılıılıılı. inside out by duster

facts

- used to be on of those person who mischaracterized mingyu. due to forced proximity in high school thanks to various clubs, he learnt that mingyu was a cool guy - to this day, he still feels guilt as to how he portrayed mingyu - quit drinking and smoking as his new year resolution. so far he's doing good - tends to vent in their groupchat then dips off from the surface of the earth for a few days. comes back later as if nothing happened - he doesn't know how to comfort people, but he's an excelent rationnal advice giver - never attended college, he works with his brother in a record store. coolest guy in town

one thing mingyu would like seungcheol to know... when i said i forgave you, i meant it

hoshi | ▶• ılıılıılılıılıılı. problems by pinegrove

facts

- believes love is the most important thing this wolrd can provide. wether it's family, friends or a lover, love is the glue and solution to everything to him - he's a senior in biology major. wants to work in a zoo, he's an heavy feline lover - never really studies but he always manages to pass his exams. in class, he's really attentive and that's really all he needs to have good grades - often cancel plans because he'd rather hang with his mom. his friends never get upset when he does. - wants to travel the world on his own after he graduates. terrified he won't see what the world has to give, always up for an adventure - currently is in a dopamine detox challenge, hence why he's slow with his replies

one thing wonwoo would like hoshi to know... you deserve to be happy, whoever gets to fall in love with you or have you in their life is lucky

prev. | m.list | next

[loveandmurders]

Oh my God I love your writing. Can you do like a young Sinclair daughter!reader story where a group tourist have a kid about her age and she begs the brothers not to kill them so she can have a friend. (Kind of like a little kid ask for a puppy or something.)

Hello there, thank you so much for your kind words and request!

I hope you'll enjoy this little one shot <3

LET ME KEEP HIM

Warnings: no proof reading, mentions of killing adults and children, violence, loneliness, child abuse (not you)

“Why am I the only kid in Ambrose?” you asked your parents at breakfast this very morning. Lester wasn’t there yet, so the twins had to deal with this on their own. They exchanged a look. They had told you your story, and you knew they were killing people as a living. It was a good enough reason for them.

“Ya know why, love” Bo finally said and you put your fork and knife back on the table, to stare at him.

“But ya could have adopted someone else.” you argued back

“One daughter’s more than enough” Bo tried to gently tease you as Vincent was silently thinking about your words.

“Alright…” you pouted as you resumed eating. Vincent gently stroked your hair to comfort you.

“You’re feeling lonely here?” he signed to you.

You were aware your parents were trying the best for you because they loved you more than anything. You didn’t want to upset them, but the truth was you wanted to socialise with other children of your age. Imaginary friends weren’t enough for you anymore, and your heart was bleeding whenever you were watching TV. You wanted a best friend or even a sibling you could bond with, like everybody else. You wanted someone in your life who wasn’t your parents, no matter how much you loved them.

“A little bit” you finally admitted and both the twins hummed in thought and sadness.

They had no solution to offer you for the moment but they were going to think about it with Lester. They understood why you felt that way. At the same time they weren’t too sure what to do, but they always figured out something when it was about you. They needed their daughter to be happy and to be certain they were good fathers to you.

After breakfast, you started to study the school manuals they got you. The twins were checking on you from time to time, and when you needed something or an explanation, you were asking Vincent for help. When Lester arrived in Ambrose, Bo told him about what you said, and it broke the man’s heart. Lester couldn’t believe they had been so stupid to not realise that you would necessarily need to be around kids of your age to grow up well. He had noticed the way you were looking at the few children who were in the House of Wax. He felt sadness coming from you and he had thought it was because you were feeling empathy toward them or because you were afraid. He had reassured you that you were loved and that nothing could happen to you. You had nodded but you hadn’t seemed to feel a lot better. He understood why now. However, like his brothers, he had no idea what to do to make things alright for you.

When Lester led tourists in Ambrose that day, he saw they had a little boy of your age. Now he had a daughter, Lester always noticed kids around. It had been a while he hadn’t brought any of them to Ambrose. But he didn’t really think about him as a solution. He wasn’t planning on adopting anyone else for you. He thought more about getting you to a school near Ambrose or something like that. He didn’t want your first friend to be made in a very violent and brutal context.

The twins were always a little bit more reluctant to kill children now they had you. Already before, but now it was worse. They always made it quick and painless. They had no other choice but to kill them, but they really took no pleasure in this. Even less when it was a little girl of your age. They rarely turned them into wax statutes anymore either, because they didn’t want to upset you. And because it was making them question their business.

When Bo saw the little boy, he almost groaned. He didn’t want to kill a child, especially after the conversation he had with you this morning. He hid those thoughts with great talent, like always, but his smile flattered when he saw the bruises and little wounds, including cigarette burns littering the boy’s body. Bo knew what it was to be abused by his parents so he instantly picked on the signs. Fuck, he really didn’t want to kill that child. He was even thinking about letting the parents go. But at the same time, he tried to convince himself that by killing everyone, it would be a way to punish the parents and to bring peace to the poor boy. He seemed so scared, so desperate and so angry at the same time. Bo could see himself in the little boy.

Lester warned Vincent about the presence of a child. That way the masked twin would know it needed to be an even quicker and cleaner kill than usual. Both you and Vincent heard the boy crying when his mother slapped him after he asked for her attention when she was chatting with Bo and her husband. Vincent didn’t have time to react; you were already leaving the house. You wanted to see that child.

You ran and then walked to the garage. You hid behind the building and you saw the little boy who was trying so hard to keep his sobs silent to not annoy the adults surrounding him. He thought he should have known better than grabbing his mother’s hand. He hated himself for wanting her when she clearly despised him. Both his parents made him do such awful things to please adults he didn’t know. Bo was trying to shush him as his parents were apologising for the terrible attitude of their child. They explained to Bo that he was like that since the beginning of their journey to go see his uncle. The little boy’s tears fell even quicker at the mention of his “uncle” . The abuse was always even worse at this place. 

Bo felt your eyes on him and he turned towards you. He wanted to ask you to leave, but he saw the curiosity and the interest in your eyes, but also the concern you felt for the child. He saw you wanted to come closer. It was the first time you were so close to a child of your age. He knew it was a bad idea, especially because the kid was going to die, but he couldn’t deny you that. He opened his hand out for you and you came closer. You hugged him from the side as he kept you close and introduced you to the tourists. The boy stopped crying the instant you appeared. You both started to look at each other.

And something happened.

You both instantly liked and wanted each other company. You just knew it. There was a bond between the two of you. The boy was usually clingy to his mother who hated that, but he completely forgot about her as he tried to remember every feature of your face. You were usually very talkative, even with the tourists, but you were completely silent as you were doing the same with the boy. Bo noticed it and he wasn’t too sure what was going on. He kissed the top of your head. 

“How ‘bout ya go back home, love?” he asked you. He didn’t like you to be so close to abusive people. You never argued back when there were tourists, so you nodded.

“Do ya wanna come with me?” you asked the boy who instantly smiled at you, and you both looked back at your parents for them to agree. The boy’s parents were happy to have a break from him so they nodded. Bo was a little more reluctant, but he couldn't say no to your pleading eyes so he finally agreed as well. He sent a quick text to Vincent to let him know though. He hoped it would mean that Vincent would be the one to kill the child.

When you came back home, you brought the boy into the bathroom and you started to take care of him. You had seen the bruises too, and you had wanted to make him feel better. It was natural to you because you always took care of the people you loved. He was shyly letting you do it. He wasn’t used to being treated so kindly and he quickly knew he would do anything to stay in Ambrose and to also take care of you. You were like an angel to him. You started to talk together, and it was like you had been best friends forever. You were giggling as he was showing off how strong he was to impress you, despite the state of his body. 

The nice moment was stopped when you heard his mother scream in fear and call his name. You quickly grabbed his hand and asked him to stay with you. He had shared feelings about it but he finally followed you in your room. You had decided you were going to keep him and you were going to convince your parents to let him live here. You didn’t care if they never truly “adopted” him like they did with you, you just wanted the boy to stay by your side or you would lose your sanity. He seemed worried but he didn’t ask questions. His parents taught him to never ask questions. In a way, he trusted you with his life. And it wasn’t like his parents ever were kind like you were to him.

After a little while, the town was silent again and Vincent knocked at your door before opening it. He had a bloody knife in his hand. Bo killed the father, Vincent killed the mother. And he was now here for the child. The boy’s eyes widened at the sight and you were quick to stand up and to place yourself in front of him to protect him. You asked him to stay where he was and he obeyed even if he wanted to be the one to protect you. His parents never valued his life and he wasn’t sure he was valuing it himself. But he felt that the man in front of you didn’t want to hurt you. Vincent gestured for you to move to the side but you shook your head.

“Don’t kill him! He’s my friend! I want him to stay here with us, please, dad” you begged and the little boy was completely confused. He grabbed your hand, silently asking you what was going on. You didn’t answer and turned back toward Vincent who wasn’t too sure what to do anymore either. Your parents never killed in front of you and they were planning on keeping things that way for quite a while. Vincent didn’t want to do anything that would make you fear him either. He loved you way too much for that.

Bo was worried about you so he came back home and called for you and his twin. You answered and when Bo entered the room, he quickly understood what was going on. 

“Y/N, don’t make things harder than it has to be” he started, hoping he would be able to convince you to keep things the way they used to be

“I just want a friend! I won’t feel lonely anymore if he stays. I’ll take care of him, ya won’t have to worry ‘bout him” you promised and you looked back at the boy before your attention was on your fathers once again.

“He could run away…” Bo started

“No he won’t!” you exclaimed “Right?” you asked him. The boy was lost but if he could live with you, he was going to grab the chance.

“I’ll be good.” he promised like he always did to his parents and it almost made Bo want to vomit. He knew those words way too well too.

“See?” you insisted

“I can be useful too” the boy offered “I’ll protect your daughter when you are… working” he added. He was coming from a pretty dark family, so he knew that business could imply doing bad things. He was pretty certain his parents were dead or at least in a very bad situation. At the same time he wasn’t even sure they could be considered as his parents; they never loved him.

He definitely touched a sensitive cord with his last words and the twins exchanged a look.

“If anythin’ happens to her while she’s under your watch, we’ll kill ya” Bo warned him and your eyes widened in surprise and horror.

“Father!” you exclaimed

“Good to me” the boy nodded and both the twins left your room, leaving you with your new best friend and protector.

[chaoortu]

in honor of the 8-19 update im writing my analysis whilst drunk as fuck thank you alice oseman i know you don't know i exist but this is how it felt when i read today's update: also do not fuckng listen to fake plastic trees radiohead and read this chapter it'll make you sooo ill ask me how i know.

as always, spoilers below the cut

first of all this

rlly excited to see where this goes and if it will parallel some of the stuff going on between nick and charlie. it'd be interesting to see both couples going through some shit at the same time. bonus being nick's oblivious, drunk ass being like SOO WHAT'RE YOU FIGHTING ABOUT... but smthn that has stood out to me in the webcomic is how little we see tao and elle's relationship (i mean, we are primarily in charlie's pov so it makes sense) and i've always wondered if all of these secondary school couples would make it. wishing for the best but i also won't be upset if tao and elle decide to amicably split. i wonder if their fight is about uni...

i love. love that nick's "whisper" is in cursive because from the dear-diary comic we see that nick writes in this half print/half cursive and i really like that specific detail as i feel like it shows a lot about his more gentle, sensitive nature esp since pre canon we know a lot of people (tao, cough) perceive him as a chavvish dude bro so seeing his action in half-cursive felt extra special :D. I love Nick having "girlier" handwriting i think it's cute.

so smthn this made me realize after last update is i'm wondering if nick started seeing their relationship as transactional after charlie returned from hospital and doesn't realize it. charlie helps nick come to terms with sexuality, nick helps charlie recover... charlie is better... where does that leave nick now that he's served his purpose? charlie is confident now, he knows what he wants, but nick doesn't; so what if charlie leaves him for someone more secure and better than he is now? i'm wondering if THAT'S what the root of his issues are at present is thinking that if he doesn't continue his being a great boyfriend thing, charlie will leave because it seems as if when nick wasn't 'the perfect son," his dad left and i think some of that trauma is bleeding into his relationship. which, while relatable is SOOO FUCKING TRAGIC I feel so bad for him. also i am fucking barking and gnawing at the bars of my enclosure bc like guys a couple months ago i was like oh ahaha isn't it so funny that we've never seen nick drink as much as his peers in canon?? GUESS FUCKING WHAT. TODAY IS MY LUCKY DAY. ALICE OSEMAN AND I HAD A BRAINWAVE CONNECTION ACROSS THE FUCKING ATLANTIC OCEAN BABY.

this is a win for me and nick nelson enjoyers everywhere i feel . what im wondering is if him being drunk and having this convo with tao and elle will either lead to two things. 1) either elle and tao tell him bc open communication and nick is historically a decent mediator and offers good solutions bc he's empathetic??? which may lead him to have conversations with charlie. 2) if they get mad at him for prying, i wonder if that will ruin the "merry" mood and possibly lead to nick and charlie having a fight later. but it seems to me nick and charlie are actually having similar insecurities.

which is a little bit ironic and just. very teenager of them tbh. i think charlie having the same insecurity for a while makes sense but seeing the same thing in nick is SO interesting to me bc if they would just talk, they'd def figure it out lickety split bc they're them. but both of them are literally having the : "Oh, he might leave me" moment, where I think maybe BOTH of them are having the same anxieties about how their relationship will change when Nick goes off to uni.

now. do i want nick and charlie to fight? idk. someone on reddit wondered if the roles would reverse and nick would yell at charlie and as much as i'd love to see that, i actually don't know if nick could get to that point while drunk bc he seems VERY happy right now. and as someone who can go from super happy to having a next level panic attack while plastered, i think what i'd like to see is nick having a full fucking meltdown/panic attack in front of charlie for what would be... maybe the first time in comics canon? I always see Nick's like out of body moments in season 2 episode 3 (bonfire episode) as a sort of dissociative anxiety episode, and i personally theorize that nick probably has more dissociative issues than he realizes but there isn't enough canon evidence to support that claim it is just based off of my opinion and how kit connor portrays nick's anxieties on screen and it WOULD make sense given how hypervigilant nick was when charlie was really ill that he'd start detaching out of mental exhaustion. i think it'd be really cathartic and necessary for nick to just absolutely come apart before he can come back together again bc i feel like the poor fella is bursting at the seams. we all know how i feel about ye old so emotionally overwhelmed you fucking yack bc i write it in my fics often but i think nick deserves it. darcy got their chaotic catharsis yack i think it's nick's turn to be the messy drunk. furthermore, if it gets so bad post-show that david has to pick them up???? YES PLEASE??? I doubt that'll happen but like david is home so im crossing my fingies for some david development there. but why i want it to be more of a breakdown instead of a full fight between the boys: - nick has been having issues for a MINUTE now and charlie has been noticing, so i don't think charlie would give back enough for them to fight at this point in time + he knows what it's like to be so emotionally messed up you get angry. i think he'd be more empathetic if nick started yelling at him or something. - nick has also had so much development in the show and webcomic and i think alice has said that the nick and charlie in the novella are more of an AU at this point bc the development just doesn't align. - so, i think we're leaning closer to nick having an emotional breakdown bc he's putting a lot of pressure on himself + the dream he had about charlie dying last week??? and as drunk as he is, if his walls are down, i think charlie could get through to him and it'd suck bc nick is drunk while it happens but it could be a talk. -secondary note on tao and elle: if they are communicating and nick sees that they have argued and are still talking, that COULD inspire him to try and talk to Charlie... maybe.... idk tho. it could also make him stuff more of his feelings down until he combusts... final observation: we know narlie end up making it but for the life of me i don't know if tara and darcy or tao and elle actually stay together post-canon.... so i'm wondering if that's also a direction alice is going right now.

[cepheustarot]

What would make you feel better?

Attention! This reading is for entertainment purposes only. You make your own decisions and are responsible for them yourself, so it's up to you to listen to advice or not.

Choose one or more cards. Trust your intuition.

Card 1 Your current state: You are still holding on to some things in the past or you are attached to some people, relationships. These things or people may be dear to you, but they do not bring more joy or other positive emotions into your life. In fact, you are holding on to memories. Also I can say that you in a situation in which you do not see a suitable solution and just patiently wait for the situation to resolve itself. It's like a disclaimer, as if you're shifting the solution to the problem to the universe(?)

What will you help: You need to pull yourself together and solve problems! Deep down you know the right solution, but you can resist because you don't like it, it hurts or you don't want to upset another person, or something like that. In any case, if you don't act now, your condition will worsen and you risk falling into a state of apathy. You can also be helped to make the first step by a person you trust and who gives good advice, he is wise and has a lot of life experience, so try to talk to him. I believe that everything will turn out well for you and you will cope with any adversity.

Card 2. Your current state: As I see it, here you are in a state of affairs where little depends on you and the resolution of the situation depends on another person or smth like this. You are just patiently waiting for the outcome, while you are in such an incomprehensible state when you do not know what to expect. Unpredictability worries you very much and causes severe stress, you are thinking about different ways to resolve the situation, but this does not calm you down, but makes you even more nervous.

What will you help: Since you can't influence the situation in any way, you need to try to calm down and let it go, think less about it and switch to something else. Excessive overthinking will not make you feel better, so you need to focus on taking care of yourself, reduce stress and anxiety. In this case, any things that please or calm you will help you, the main thing is that they distract you from thoughts and do not allow you to plunge back into the previous state. A trip somewhere will help well, it doesn't matter if you go alone or with someone, it will in any case bring new emotions into your life. I believe that you will cope with everything, be kind to yourself.

Card 3. Your current state: you locked ourselves in though and detached from reality, spend more time alone with your thoughts. Obsessive thoughts make you very sad, you don't know how to cope with them and in general you are at a dead end, you don't know how to get out of this state and help yourself. You are also indifferent to many events in your life and can left to chance everything.

What will you help: first, it is important to fight with your thoughts, they need to be challenged. If you have negative obsessive thoughts, for example, you are not succeeding and there is a feeling that you will never succeed, then try to give arguments against them, for example: "I have already been through this and successfully coped, so this time I will succeed" or "I have just started my journey and am gaining experience, mistakes at the beginning are natural, success comes gradually", I understand that my explanation may sound vague, but I hope the meaning is clear. You also need to keep a balance, you feel very sad, but you should try to create moments that will bring joy into your life, whether it's meeting friends or hobbies, any little things that make you happy. This should help you see that there is not only one melancholy around you, and good moments are also present. If necessary, contact a specialist. Be kind to yourself and remember that you can handle everything.

Thank you for reading! I will be glad of any feedback <3

[sleepymccoy]

Hey sleepy! I liked your reply about your job and the questions you need to think about wording. I saw something in your tags and wanted to provide my experience if that's ok? I don't know how valuable it is to share, and it may be the case that you already know or have considered this, so, to be taken or left at will :)

You say you see a lot of autistic people on tumblr having strong negative reactions to normal interactions, which can be a bit confusing. And it's true! They are normal and polite, and to some extent necessary. What I want to say is this : I am autistic, and growing up I struggled a lot with these subtle questions. I did get a lot better at this with practice, and conscious effort - I am 30 years old now, and my interactions are easier to navigate, even if I still regularly run into the same problems I used to. This makes me have complicated interactions with people, but complicated is just part of life, and most people are quite helpful I find.

Where I think the problem still lies for me, and where this anger might be coming from when people complain about this online, is that people quite regularly still get angry or upset with me when I don't answer properly or seem like I don't understand something easy. I mean like colleagues at work, where we range from 30 to 55 years of age.

There is a difference between your work and mine, question wise, I think : my colleagues don't know I'm autistic, while you know your patients have dementia. They think I'm a bit weird (this has been communicated to me lol), but no more. It may be that you simply don't interpret them as rude, because you know they're not trying to be, while people regularly interpret my behavior this way - rude, lazy, stupid, what have you. In my life I am finding people to not always be very patient when I don't follow the expected script. Many people are!! Most people are. And we go back and forth asking more questions to figure out what we're talking about, and sometimes I can feel that they are finding this a bit funny, but it works out in the end. But the angry and upset ones weigh heavy, and when I was a child many more people felt comfortable, I think, being angry with me. It took a lot of time to unlearn that I could get punished for asking follow up or clarifying questions for simple conversations.

I think, in short, that the autistic people you see complain about this have learned to be afraid. If they are young, or surrounded by less patient people, people might be getting angry at them often, or it may be recent in their life that they did get angry.

(It may also be that they have been trying to learn how to navigate these for a while, and it just won't work! It can be very hard to tell what went wrong in a given interaction and it's easy to leave it with the wrong conclusion. Working on this was a very frustrating process. But this is, I think, another subject.)

Thank you for your patience with my many many words, and please have a good day :)

Hey thank you!!

Especially thank you cos I was a bit nervous rambling like that cos I definitely don't want to try and take away from autistic people's experiences, or put myself in a place where I shouldn't be. I fully get that a lot of tumblr stuff is people not looking for solutions and just venting about their life (that's healthy! You need a space for that!) so I don't wanna step in all defensive and explanatory when someone's just had a particularly shit day. I'm very pleased you read it (long as it was) and didn't come away offended ❤️

I expect I do have quite different experiences, one (obviously) because I'm not autistic. The other being I work in a place that pretty much requires abnormal patience to be able to do the job. This job also is hugely culturally diverse and the style of communication in the break room is plain and simple English and trying to reword sentences quickly and blamelessly because confusion is presumed to be a cultural mishmash or struggle with english. There are definitely neurodiverse staff who I work with (some have told me, some just struggle beyond a language barrier) but it isn't much of an issue cos of the culture we've built. This probably puts me on a back foot cos it seems so easy to me to chat to everyone I meet, just by code switching slightly as needed. That's basic politeness

So yeah, if there's fucking adult professionals in the world not approaching colleagues with politeness and generosity, you'll have some bad times. I've had them at prior workplaces, bullies are cunts

There are of course a lot of differences between people living with dementia and autistic people, but I admit I hadn't thought of my awareness of their diagnosis! You're totally right, and being aware of someone's needs does change my behaviour.

I agree with you that it seems like people have learnt to be afraid of conversations. I think that's very sad, cos most conversations are harmless and fun.

The bit I see on tumblr that bothers me most really is the grouping of "all autistics think like this whereas all neurotypicals think like that" which just cannot help anyone actually chat. It's not always as a neurotypical = bad (although that is most often the tone), but I don't like how it removes uniqueness from people. And I think it's more of a situation where people are applying their personal trauma responses to a whole group of people and assuming it's correct cos it's true for them, individually.

Like, I see my staff room with three Nepalese (one of whom is on the spectrum), a Ugandan with brain damage, the most beautiful Ethiopian woman you'll ever see, the country guy with ADHD, and little me and we're all laughing at the same joke and I just am not seeing the neurotypical people in the room with the same cruelty and dismissiveness as what autistic people describe on tumblr

I can fully empathise how hard it is to shake childhood and lifelong damage from insidious stuff like what you're describing. I'm just not sure the tone I see on most autistic-centric posts are working on shaking it, I think they're wallowing. And it bothers me cos it's fucking sad, most people are fantastic!

I'm glad you mentioned that you do enjoy/don't struggle with most conversations you have these days! I also have some dud interactions throughout the week, but that's just personality clashes. Or the occasional racist 🙄. But most of it should be easy or fun, that's why we've culturally built polite interest small talk and referential shorthand jokes to show intimacy without invasiveness.

I guess it's a bit hard for me to hear that my attempts at being cheerful and causal and friendly might cause just stress in someone, and then I'd never know cos they go away to blog about it in anger. But I suppose I should get over that, if someone chooses not to talk to me about how I unknowingly make life difficult for them that's their choice and not my problem until I'm told

Cos I'm not gonna stop being cheerful and friendly just in case i confuse the odd someone, I'll be miserable and I'll feel cruel. But I am very sorry to think this sort of carry on could be unpleasant to anyone. I dunno, no fixes here of course ❤️❤️

[imhereonthekitchenfloor]

Hey everyone! I just want to address my earlier posts. I am really sorry to anyone who was hurt by them! I didn't realize the casual homophobia that those words could carry. The "guys we aren't supposed to be this way. It feels wrong" was supposed to be a fun lighthearted perspective as a straight person seeing their bestie of the same gender sexualized. As were all the posts about the subject. I saw people mad and was like "??? All I said was I didn't see Taylor in a sexual way. Whats the big deal?" (I was in a rush and did NOT read back the original post) and didn't realize how bad the words could be out of my specific context. Yes, being attracted to women as a woman or non binary person is completely okay and it's okay to be attracted to Taylor Swift. I did not mean to make anyone feel targeted or unsafe by saying those words. I just didn't think through what I was saying on my silly little blog and realize these same words are often used to express hate to the lgbtq community. That doesn't stop the fact that the words could be perceived as homophobic and hateful to anyone who read them.

I talked to a friend within the community about this situation and read them all the posts. They said they know I wouldn't say the words in a homophobic way, but from not being gay myself I miss a lot of the context and the discrimination people have faced. They also said that I am very nonchalant with my words and can express my experiences as universal. Which is absolutely the perspective of the posts where I treat the fandom as one, seeing Taylor as a bestie as a monolith of the fandom. I don't exactly know the solution to this. It makes sense I think from my own perspective first and foremost before thinking of others. Which means I don't always think of or include the nuance I should before I speak or post. And I don't want to be someone saying problematic things because I didn't think of someone else's perspective. I am going to have to think about this going forward. Once again, I am really sorry for anyone who was upset by my words and wish to do better in the future.

[mads-mishmashes-her-keyboard]

Hi! As you said even though MBTI is not to be taken that seriously it’s just so fun to talk about

What is your personality type?

hello!! :D

my type is INTJ! Just retook the test so here's that:

And for funsies, I want to talk about why I think this is a correct assessment of me! More below the cutoff :)

Introverted: I love hanging out with people, working with people, and meeting people, but boy oh boy I am an independent soul. I don't recharge by being with others. I love my own company too and need it to rest and really reset 🤍 (It's not too hard to do this with my closest friends too, but definitely not around new people)

Intuitive: I'm a very creative being. I like to stay organized and clean in my day to day life (making lists and such, like this one!!).. but I think about the bigger picture more than the present day. I like to be inventive and find creative solutions to things :)

Thinking: This trait is often the one that makes some INTJs assholes (sorry fellow INTJs). I think it's important to realize you need a mix of thinking/feeling. When I say I'm more thinking, I mean- I think about everything in a logical way. I don't act on emotion first. It's easy to explain in my career path (engineering), because a lot of my major is looking at objective facts and finding the best solutions, which I love. But when it comes to my social life, this doesnt mean I'm a heartless bastard who never cares about feelings. It means.. when my friend comes to me and says they're upset, my first thought is "oh no! X is upset! what has helped them in the past? do they need me to listen or talk or give advice? what logically can make me a good friend to them?" instead of just... feeling and acting. My brain doesn't work like that haha.

Judging: I like to get stuff done. It drives me insane having unfinished projects (not that I don't have them!). Part of this is my anxiety and part of it is just liking to have things under control. It's better in independent situations because I can self manage. In team situations, it means I tend to accidentally take leadership positions (despite my introversion) because I want to make sure things are done right. (Though I of course recognize being a control freak is a bad thing too. Therapy is beautiful and helpful 🙌 LMAO). I just like having a schedule and a plan. In my life relationships, this usually means I like to schedule things out so I know I have time for people (and vice versa). I generally like the stability associated with schedules, but that doesn't mean I don't adore a good spontaneous thing too :)

The last thing ('assertive') on the 16 personalities website is mostly based on how you answer questions and how different your answers are. It's.. honestly not that telling about you lol. I have a rule with MBTI that I can only select the ledtmost or rightmost answers, because otherwise I get really caught up seeing both sides and select all the neutral responses. I have a mix of responses in general with different questions, though, because hell I'm a multi faceted person (and isn't everyone). Long story short- no comment.

For anyone who cared enough to actually read through all this, thank you eheggxjagsjs!! It was fun to think about for me :) feel free to ask follow ups too!! This girl fixates quite a bit on personality types 🤍

And if the original asker and any of my other moots are still here.. what's yours?!?!

[scribeforchrist-blog]

Out Of Our Heads Unto God

MEMORY VERSE OF THE WEEK

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+ Matthew 15:17 Yes, it is, Lord,” she said. “Even the dogs eat the crumbs that fall from their master’s table.”

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VERSE OF THE DAY

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+ Psalms 22:19  O Lord, do not stay far away! You are my strength; come quickly to my aid!”

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** SAY THIS BEFORE YOU READ; HERE’S SOME CHRISTIAN TRUTHS **

I AM FREE

I AM NOT ASHAMED

I AM FILLED WITH JOY

I AM NOT ALONE

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READ TIME: 8 Minutes & 5 Seconds

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THOUGHTS:

=======================

  I can be honest with you and say that some of our days are very long, and to get past them, we must do it with God. I had a situation recently, and I was so upset that I couldn’t find the words to describe how I felt, so I prayed for a moment. I didn’t feel any better, and the more I thought about it, the more in my head I got about everything.

     I asked the lord why I wasn’t feeling any relief. He said you're still trying to give attention to the situation because you're focused on the situation and not me. I didn't feel like I did, but when I got to thinking about it, I was so focused on what happened then on him. I allowed him to defend me, and it got easier. Sometimes, we don’t realize how frustrated we can be with situations because we are too busy trying to find the solution when God can be our solution if we let him.

 John 16:33 I have said these things to you, that you may have peace in me. In the world, you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.”

    We don’t have to worry about what happens in this world or what is happening now because Jesus has overcome the world; sometimes we think there's no way God can handle our problems, but he can; he can handle anything that’s in our life, but we have to be willing to focus on him, and I know that’s hard to do, trust me I do. Still, we must remember that he sees how we are feeling and wants to be there for us, but we must allow him ,a lot of times w e block him by our actions and what we do and say, and we must be willing to give him every part of ourselves.

 Psalm 32:8 I will instruct you and teach you how you should go; I will counsel you with my eye upon you.

     God will instruct us. If we let him, he will give us exactly what we need. Still, all we must do is wait on him, all we must do is hear him, all we must do is know that whatever he tells us is precisely what we must do to make it through; we are going to have tough days, we are going to have days where it feels the world is beating us down and we can't get back up. Still, every day, we must realize that if Jesus did this and if Jesus went through it, why can't we? We must keep pushing through regardless.

 Sometimes, what we go through is for the will of God. Sometimes, we go through this because he tries to get us to focus on the one thing, we are having problems with. Still, because we keep going the opposite way, we keep having this same problem brought to us; we often don’t pass the test because we don’t see it as a test. We keep asking why this is happening to me. Why do I have to go through it? We all go through it for a reason. It's your season. Maybe it's your time, but whatever the reason is, make sure that you ask him, God, why am I here? What are you trying to show me?

   Psalms 22:1 My God, my God, why have you abandoned me? Why are you so far away when I groan for help?”

  We sometimes think that God has abandoned us through our tests, and we keep thinking he doesn’t love us or it’s no way he does, but he does; if God never gives us a test or never helps us grow and develop, we will always be in that same spot, that undeveloped spot but God wants us so to grow to be stronger in Him and grow seeking him, not to be bold without him but bold walking in him through our problems.

  Verse 2: “Every day I call to you, my God, but you do not answer. Every night, I lift my voice, but I find no relief.”

    We don’t hear him sometimes because we are in our heads and are so engulfed with what’s happening that we aren’t focusing on the one that can bring us through. God wants to bring us through our moments, but just like me, we must let go to have his help. He wants to take away our insecurities; no, not every time; he can take away the problem, but he can help us better function through our situations; taking a problem away isn’t going to teach us anything, but when we listen to him, we will hear him show us a better way.

Verse 11: “Do not stay so far from me, for trouble is near, and no one else can help me.”

    David realizes no one else can help him, no one else can be what he needs, but God can never stay away from us unless we push him away; he gives us space to do whatever we want, when we don’t want him near, he doesn’t leave he just steps back, a lot of us don’t realize that our actions don’t invite him in it pushes him away ,God desires to be near us, but we must desire the same thing. I have been in some places in my life in my head where I didn’t always let my actions match my words, and he let me know this, but as he did, I tried my best to correct what I did and how I acted because I realize I need him, and I can’t do anything without him!

 If you realize that you understand what he’s trying to do and how he’s trying to direct you, walk in that way and allow him in so he may guide you!

  ***Today, we talked about being in our heads, and a lot of times, we don’t realize how much we are in our heads and how we have pushed God away so that we can be in our heads alone. Still, God doesn’t want us to be alone; he doesn’t want us to second guess who he is, and I know sometimes we do this when we are dealing with so much because we are trying to figure out the important things , but God wants to help us, he wants to be there, but do we make space for him to be there ??

   Verse 19: “O Lord, do not stay far away! You are my strength; come quickly to my aid!”

    Jesus can come as quickly as we let him, but will we listen and say okay, Jesus, I hear you; let me walk in this way, or will we go back and forth with him about everything Jesus wants us to understand? Yes, this is our life, but we belong to him; when we gave our life to him, he will do exactly what he says he will do, which is be our helper and a guide, do you trust him? Do you want to? If you do, tell him how you’re feeling and allow him in so he can show you the way.

©Seer~ Prophetess Lee

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PRAYER

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Heavenly Father, we thank you for today; we ask that you help us trust you and please take us out of our heads; we desire to be near you to trust you; lord, forgive us if we haven’t done what we needed to do which is trust you lord ,we love you so much and sometimes are days are tough, but we ask you to help us through it, please. Thank you, God, for always being there for us; in Jesus Name, Amen

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REFERENCES

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 + Psalm 118:8 It is better to take refuge in the Lord than to trust in humanity.

+Psalm 9:10 And those who know your name put their trust in you, for you, O Lord, have not forsaken those who seek you

+ Psalm 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God. I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth!”

========================

FURTHER READINGS

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 Proverbs 22

Leviticus 22

Deuteronomy 31

Psalm 41

=========================

[mabeysomeclasspecting]

Hi! I'm preemptively sorry for any mistakes, english is not my first language, but yeah classpect time! The only thing I know for sure is that I'm a Prospit dreamer, other things are confusing as hell to me, so thanks a lot for reading all this and trying to make sense of it! <3

What are your interests/hobbies?

I tend to switch hobbies often bc I operate on a "if I'm not perfect at it immediately I should stop trying" conviction but I tried drawing, crocheting, collage making and web design. Even though I myself am shit at most things creative I'm very good at seeing mistakes in other people's work. Regarding interests, I'm into psychology (it's my uni major), philosophy and history. I love long video essays about an obscure topic, I love learning in general but more in a sense of being smarter than others and making knowledge about a topic part of my personality. I like video games but I play like three games on repeat for 20 years I have 5k hours in skyrim since 2011. I'm also into religion/mythology, spirituality and tarot cards but I don't really believe in all that, it's just interesting from a psychological and historical viewpoint.

How do you see yourself?

I'm unsure who "myself" even is, I made a list of my personality traits once (one of them was "lesbian" so that's a personality trait ig) and that didn't help much. I'm a social chameleon, able to be whatever people want me to be, but I do hold strong beliefs and morals and judge others harshly, just sometimes without showing it. My beliefs are mostly black and white in nature, I'm annoyed at people who are trying to stay in the middle and don't have strong opinions bc goddamn I'm ready to die on any hill. I'm intelligent, aggressive and emotional, but cooperative and friendly if I like people, I like to be important but only in a positive sense. I'm also pretty hypocritical bc of the social chameleon thing.

How do you think others see you?

Almost all of my friends were scared to interact with me at first, so it's either a scary bitch who criticized people for breathing or a contemptuous bitch who thinks she's better than everyone. It used to upset me, I don't think I'm scary or arrogant, but at this point I made peace with it and leant into a proud hater persona more. My gf says that I'm really lovely and kind and helpful (but still a little arrogant) and her opinion is the only thing that matters. And a lot of people think I'm smarter than I am.

How do you interact with your friends?

Jokey bullying but sometimes jokes get away from me and I'm unintentionally crossing a line, that was a point of a lot of arguments, I can be real hurtful at times. When people hurt me unintentionally I throw a fit, which illustrates the hypocrisy I brought up earlier. To make up for being terrible I do acts of service, if my friends need literally anything I'll get it for them. I try to help mentally as well but I offer solutions instead of empathy and that's not what people want usually.

What’s important to you?

I have beef with the concept of fate, I hate predisposition and the idea that our narratives are already written, fatalism is my number one enemy, the whole shebang with Mind and consequences of our choices is my number two enemy, I can do whatever I want. I have a lot of feminism based morals and a lot of opinions about politics. My solutions are extreme but I'm sure they'll work. Murder is okay in self-defense type beat. I cherish my friends a lot and feel horrible if I hurt them. I have a lot of trinkets that bring me memories, they are mostly useless but they are important to me and my memory issues.

Describe the ideal you, what kind of person do you strive to be?

I wish to know myself fully and simultaneously know everything else ever. I think people scared of too much knowledge are cowards. And the ideal me would be a lot less aggressive and anxious all the time, I think mental health issues are really holding me back.

Hello!

Aspects: Light, Mind

Classes: Thief, Prince

I think you're either a Thief of Light or a Prince of Mind!

I hope this helps :)

[ropes3amthoughts]

My little sister told me I needed to watch more “real people” movies and shows because I told her I hadn’t seen a lot of stuff so we sat down and watched “I Am Not Okay With This” and that show was pretty awesome I enjoyed it and it ended on such a crazy cliffhanger but it was cancelled so there was no more 💔 and we were upset so we looked up the graphic novel afterwards and lemme tell you guys that ending was depressing as shit I hope the show doesn’t do that because that would be a very sad message

Ok I just start rambling beyond this point lmao

Also I’m pretty sure my sister recommended that because she thinks I’m a lesbian lmao ok so it might sound crazy to anybody reading this because like everyone of my Tumblr buddies know me as gayboy Kabruliker but I’m nonbinary and I double dip with being gay I dabble in a bit of both though not really in real life lmao I hardly ever feel about people that way not in fiction but in fiction it’s fair game gender don’t matter n stuff but like since I’m afab (not out to my family because they’re transphobic) and I don’t find irl guys attractive and I had a crush on my friend who was a girl in middle school and also I like stuff like Arcane and I do think real girls are pretty even if I rarely actually like like them I think my sister thinks I’m a lesbian especially bc this one time we were talking about celebrity crushes and she recommended I just “get one” because “it’s fun” and her recommendation for me was Billie Eilish lmaooo it’s sweet she’s supportive even though I’m not a lesbian I mean I think if I were to identify with anything it would be demiromantic (and then like panromantic too because it’s not like gender based? Idfk man) asexual because I have had two crushes in real life before but I just might not get one again? I kind of figure I’d get one in the middle of high school because I had one on a guy in third grade (which is the middle of elementary) and I had one on a girl in seventh grade (which is the middle of middle school) but I’m halfway done my senior year of high school and nada so I guess that’s just not happening lol it’s not too big a deal though I don’t want a partner like super badly but sometimes it’s awkward when I’m talking to people and they’re like “who do you have a crush on” and I tell them it’s no one lmao

That was all kind of nonsense rambling lol I just thought my sister thinking I’m a lesbian is kinda silly but also sweet and I guess I kinda wanted to share my identity too I mean I’m not totally confident in it and I feel like pinpointing exactly what it is is kinda difficult but idk I feel like it would surprise some people to know I find fictional women attractive maybe even more so than fictional men like in Dungeon Meshi I could name you like 5 attractive women and the only attractive man I’d tell you is Kabru lmao ok sorry I can’t stop talking about him ever

Oh yeah so for the ending of the graphic novel, spoilers obviously, for the graphic novel, it ends with Sydney blowing her own head up and like that’s such a fucked up message like mentally ill grieving gay girl who feels like she makes everything worse kills herself to solve her problems like what if there were people who could really relate and they see that she just kills herself 😭 I don’t think I’d try to explode my own head or anything but I think I’d feel a little discouraged with overcoming grief and stuff y’know I mean it can end sad no one has to make it end happy and the graphic novel is called “I Am Not Okay With This” so like maybe it’s saying the ending isn’t ok and that’s like not the solution but idk man it felt anticlimactic and depressing like she never takes control of her life and feels guilty and sad forever bro I mean maybe I’m reading into it wrong but it sure as hell felt sad 😭 I like what the show did better and I’m definitely biased because I watched that first but I feel like it fleshed stuff out more and I found the characters pretty fun n stuff like y’know?

Ok also spoilers for the show. Lowkey I should probably get a diary too because I just ramble about everything online but whatever it’s not like online can be stolen like in the show lmao bro how did Brad even steal Syd’s diary like did she leave it at the counselor’s office and then Brad was like “oh I know her I can give it to her” and the counselor just trusted him or something lmao like what also why was the show rated M none of the sex or violence was all that explicit like the sex was implied and cut away from and Brad’s head exploding wasn’t like super visceral I don’t think. I feel like the show coulda done a little less with flashbacks though like there were only 7 20 minute episodes and so much of it was the same footage! Wish there could’ve been a bit more 💔 it was fun though I liked it it was funny it was interesting I enjoyed it I’d recommend it even I actually think this got recommended to me a while ago lmao but I’m so slow to start (and finish) stuff lol. I mean this is kinda my diary bc I’m pretty sure nobody reads my nonsense rants except me lmao and that’s chill it’s just nice to rant sometimes

[sealegsagain]

I came to some pretty good realizations...

In the car today after I got home. I listened to my old mixes and I'd like to write about that. i am feeling incredibly clear headed about a lot of things that happened, and the decentering men topic has risen to the surface yet again. Let's get some of that out. It's a lot and I'm not gonna get to it all in this entry, but I'm gonna stick a note here later to follow up on this

I'm quite scatterbrained right now. Note to self:

Get thee to the Korean spa. I need to do this once every winter, and Post Magfest is a move. I need to soak.

But yes, I need to center myself a bit before writing this. I have been very good at not harshly beating myself up lately so I'd like to continue that. (edit. I wrote a bit and I'm still not feeling incredibly "centered". I did out in the car earlier. Oh well. My thoughts are just pingin' right now and I struggle (istruggle) to express them as clearly as I'd like. I think it's because I'm tired)

Just as I can read my old writing and gain insight, I can too from my old mixes. I know the state of mind I was in, I know my goals and motivations were for making each one and I am able to HONESTLY SELF-ASSESS their strengths and weaknesses from a place of encouragement and forgiveness, just as I am with my older writings.

There's a better word for this than "encouragement and forgiveness" but i'm not really up for finding right now. Still exhausted.

Anyway, back in Virginia, I was nailing a lot of mixes. I was out there for two whole hours and surprised myself with my capabiies. I then showed that mix to the wrong person (well, they found it) and I let their HARSH crit just mess with my head. (they came out of NOWHERE and BLASTED me without me even submitting it before them. I am STILL upset about this) I let their opinion take whatever pride I had about my progress, my gains - AWAY- from me. I reacted to it. I used to be very reactive. What happened happened. I mean they could have fucking not said those things, but I could have also not reacted to it. I do concede in that they were right in that I should have not put it out there as you know, a public representation of my work... But I was proud of the progress. Idk. man. I wish there was a better solution.

But yeah. I'd like to say something about gaining confidence from small improvements, and then I think I'm done writing here for the day. *ping ping*

When one is to undertake an art, or really, any activity, it is important to gain confidence from improvement. To say "hey. I did that RIGHT. Hell yes. I CAN do this after all. I am CAPABLE." ----- Digression below:

I sometimes get mad that I felt I didn't receive enough of that from my parents growing up. They didn't notice when I did better. They didn't take pride in my achievements, it feels like. I was EXPECTED to achieve, and when I did NOT, I disappointed them so much that that's all that mattered, it feels like. That's my memory I walk around with. Is it a real one? Is it true, or is it a story I tell myself? Or well, that's dad. I can't remember NOT disappointing my dad. I can't recall any instances where he was actually proud of me. If there are, they're drowned out by his constant, almost unrelenting disappointment. And also, if he was proud, it was on his terms for some shit he valued that I did not. It felt foreign. He wanted me to be something that I never would be, and so I'm not sure if his praise even mattered in that context. I just felt like I was being bent in a certain direction. He was trying to bend me. I STILL FEEL that he is trying to bend me. *sigh* Was I being bent tho? - This is worth exploring- I still may have misperceptions of what he wanted from me that I still rebel against. Now THERE'S actual insight. Just even being around him just puts me into this reactive state that I don't like. If he wonders why I don't call him, that's a very good reason. I don't like not calling. I do not like not calling anyone. I just... know what happens. I feel like a prey animal walking into a lion's cage whenever I try to have a normal convo. I have to be ON GUARD because It's DANGEROUS. heh. But honestly, I really do go in each time WITH THE BEST INTENTIONS. I am very guarded and I have hard boundaries that will not be crossed tho. No matter what he says. No matter how much he tells me that I seem to be an adult with my shit together now (there is a lot he doesn't know), I still have such trauma, such ingrained war flashbacks from dealing with him over the years that even fucking talking to him can be is yes.. I'll use the word. Triggering. HA! HA!

You see that's what I do with both my parents. I try to have normal conversations with them. I try to talk to them like I would anyone else. I try each and every time I call them to keep it positive, adult, keep it healthy, but then out of the blue, some toxic bullshit gets inserted that makes me feel like I'm 15 again, and so I react like I'm 15. Happened the other day with my mom. How stupid.

-----

Mom, on the other hand. My memory is fuzzier of her. I think she was better at actually being proud of me for SOMETHING (?), but still possibly too wrapped up in her own head and her own insecurities to really be present.

She was proud of me when I was little. I think I remember that. She liked me then. That "am I good at anything?" moment is pivotal, and I also figured out (while thinking about it driving around at work the other day) why I was asking this, what was upsetting me and what I wanted to hear.

Anyway. Tired. Need ramen. need bath.

[thepiinkpages]

I read this book in a day. Im not proud of myself. Don't be like me. Sometimes I wonder if my husband knows just how many books i read in a day *insert cackle here*

This will be a 2 book review.

This book started out great! I loved the dynamic between the characters and I loved how even though they think their not mates they still save such a feeling to save her from anything that might hurt her. I love it.

My favorite is still Ezryn but Daymon is slowly but surely climbing the ladder. The smut in this is really good too. It doesn't take up the entire plot.

There's finally a part where we see that Kel actually has always cared about Rosalina because if he accepted the mating bond, Rosalina would automatically end up on the door step of Caspian. I suspect that in the future books we finally learn what exactly happened between Caspian and Kel but I suspect that they had some type of relationship but Kel could never commit nor love Caspian because he was waiting for his true mate, hence why he made that deal with Kel.

There's a part where they go to the party that the Prince of Thorns throws (Caspian) and the party is crazy. First of all, there's nakedness everywhere and the adulting is adulting.

We finally find out they Rosalina's mother was always a fae and I suspect that she was actually the Fae Queen that has been missing for 500 years.

There is finally action between my favorite character and Rosalina. Ya'll, the scene where he physically couldn't help himself from touching her but because he took a vow where he wouldn't let anyone see his helmet besides his true mate. He literally punched the candle out so Rosalina couldn't see him and he could touch her... a man of his word. A real man.

Here are some quotes:

"...Princess, you need not tarnish your souls to know justice has been served. Lay that burden upon my shoulders. Let me be your darkness..."

"...It is a privilege and pleasure to be at the beck and call of your arousal..."

"...If you're the tide and i'm the moon, pull me deep into yourwaves. I want to drown in you..."

Next is the riveting and emotional third book.

Never in my life have i ever been so fucking angry at a book before. I screamed so loud it startled my husband and dogs. The ending?? WHAT THE FUCK??? What the fuck do you mean Dayton and what's her face are mates? No ma'am there has to be a solution. And what's with people sacrificing themselves for everyone but then everyone is sacrificing themselves too? That don't make a lick of sense.

First of all, Dayton can obviously tell Rosalina was his mate if he got his head out of his ass. Like dude. If you would just take a second to actually look within yourself instead of throwing yourself a pity party, you can see that Rosie is your fucking mate.

Ezyrn has done ABSOLUTELY FUCKING NOTHING to fix his curse despite him knowing Rosie is his mate. He would rather give up his power than surpass his mental block of fear. I am so disappointed in him. I thought he was the level headed on in this group turns out that Kel... and that's saying something.

I'm so upset, I want to go into this book and kick everyone's ass.

Apart from the end, everything else was lovely. I think this book and the first book were my favorites so far. Also I'm pretty sure Caspian is her mate all well but I can't make assumptions anymore because I am never right. Except for the fact that she is the fae queen's daughter, I did get that right.

Dayton better get his shit together or else i'm gonna have to DNF this book if he doesn't open his eyes and see that the girl who claims to be his mate is a FRAUD. DOWN WITH THE FRAUD. I clearly don't like her. She's very obviously the nightingale girl.

Ezyrn finally shows his face (only to almost fucking die) and in my head im picturing his as Michele Morrone... he's a hotty.

Here are some of my favorite quotes:

"...What do I say? That i never feel fear around the goblins or during the long, lonely nights, but she frightens me beyond measure? That each smile or touch she offers me is like a lightning strike, rendering me to my core? And more than all of these things, I know it is only a matter of time before my determination breaks, and I will be hopelessly lost to her?..."

"...Do you think Kelarion just leaves it lying under his bed, discarded and unprotected?..." It's funny because he literally does.

"...Come on, don't make it weird. I've been waiting for this moment for a long time...A long time?...I mean a respectable amount of time that is not at all creepy or weird..."

Friends, we shall see if this book doesn't make me tear out my hair. We shall see if I am bald at the end of the last book.

[guiltriddencorpse]

i will be 17 in 5 days.

and i feel like a loser.

i havent got my licence. i have one friend. (not an exaggeration, i have social anxiety and am generally introverted so i dont really like people but i still get lonely) i am homeschooled but will be doing schooling for a year longer than my peers. i am behind in so many subjects. i feel like im still 12.

its just not fair. nothing is fair.

you dont get to do this to me. you can not leave me. how can you, when i am crying, begging you not to leave me and issuing an ultimatum where i will tell your friend if you dont promise to stay, say "it will break him if he knew." what about me? why are you shielding him, and not me? why. why are you saying that as if i am not breaking. how can you continue to make suicide jokes. continue to say that you wont be around in november. that you wont 'be around then' or 'wont have to worry about that'. they arent funny. not so close and not when there isnt even a punch line. what am i meant to say? do you truly think i am so cold and callous that i could be laughing? the first person to seek me out. the first person to be so patient and kind. the first person to want to help me. thats not something i could even crack a grin about.

you dont get to do that. you dont get to say, "a little girl isnt meant to feel like she should be dead" as if i havent felt the exact same way. as if this topic is completely foreign to me. as if, in the past 2-3 years i wasnt actively then passively suicidal. as if my cousin wasnt very actively trying to die. yet you still look me in the eyes and say that its just gonna happen? you arent even gonna try to pull away?

no. no child should feel that way. but i did. i felt that way. i was verbalising such issues when i was 8-10. should i kms? should i? because that seems to be the solution for your own problem.

how can you continue to 'care' about me but continue to plan your own death? you dont care. you dont love me. you are playing with me at this point. you are stringing me along. this isnt fair.

you prod at my empathy. teasing remarks that do bother me. dont you understand? no one understands. when i try to express my hyperempathy, i am told i am too sensitive, teased for being soft, it drains me. when i do my best to shut that part out, ignore it, im mean, blunt, rude and many more.

dont speak to me with such a condescending tone. do not look down at me. i am sick of being looked down upon. i know i am not better than you, probably not even an equal. but you all make me feel so fucking small. like a pest.

i dont understand. i cant trust anyones words. its infuriating. i tell people to trust my words. i dont do insincerity, and yet they always try to look for a deeper meaning. i try to follow my own advice but fhen it bites me in the ass because now theyre upset at me for not noticing i upset them? i asked if they were mad, they said they were fine. i trusted that, i had already made it abundantly clear that i trust what you say, that i dont push 'no means no' so how fucking stupid can you be to get angry when i dont push? and what am i meant to do? tell them? tell the person i love that sometimes they make me cry? not because of their actions directly, but because i beat myself up over tiny interactions that they probably dont even think about?

everything is too much and not enough.

i have to make plans for my birthday all while knowing shes gonna khs.

i have to see my support workers

i have to be patient for my little brother.

i have to regulate myself

i have to be helpful for my mum.

i have to remember things about other people

i have to read social cues

i have to feel for other people.

i have to. otherwise i feel so awful. i feel like i killed their family, send a photo to the new york times, with the caption 'go fuck yourselves'. i feel like i want to throw up my internal organs and clean them with bleach before putting them back.

but im tired

i am sick of being kind

i am sick of being understanding

i am sick of making ezcuses

i am sick of being empathetic.

i dont want to hurt anyone, but i just dont understand anyone. i end up just panicking.

i cant help you. ok?

im sorry. i just really cant. im not gonna talk you off the metaphorical ledge. i am trying, but when its too late. dont call me, yeah? i dont want that. dont leave me shit, dont write me anything. just let my memory of you fade. i 'wasnt meant to know'? yeah, and how was that gonna work? you think i'm a toddler with no object permanence? that once you died i would just completely forget? 'i wouldve found out eventually' and you say that you know but you wont have to deal with it? that hurt. im fighting everything in me thats telling me to run. to put some distance in place. i suppose i just couldnt give enough. maybe if i were more confident, more dominant, more something, i couldve helped. but i cant. every suggestion is shut down. or the reply is "sometimes its not that simple".

you are content with this end. i dont have the strength the convince you not to go. i said that i could change your mind. thay was a lie. i cant. i cant even try. i dont even lnow why i am still alive. you have a plan, a way of going. and you genuinely sont want to live. nothing i brang up changed your mind.

M. you are going to ruin me. i hope i never get this attached to someone ever again.

[namazunomegami]

11 and 24 for the ask game please

11. Do either try to hide their emotions if upset? Can the other still tell?

I’m usually upfront about my feelings in general. Like… most of the times I just let them all out, especially if I had a stressful day at work (I work in retail so you can imagine what I’m going through), it’s easier to vent and go on a rant about customers.

But if the problem is within the dynamic of my relationship I usually let it sit for a while. I don’t let my emotions get in the way so I can approach the problem in a diplomatic way like “Look, this is a problem, it upsets me, let’s sit down and work out a solution that benefits us.”

I like to believe that I can perfectly hide my emotions but most of my blorbos can read people well. Geto is naturally perceptive, in a way that it is scary. He can figure me out based on the subtle details. He knows that I peel the skin off my lips or around my nails when I’m stressed. That my jaw is constantly clenched when I’m angry. That I tend to stare off the distance when I’m shaken. His perception is just insane. Sadly he’s the type who doesn’t like to talk about his feelings and he hides them too well. Even though that I know my way around people he manages to outsmart me lmao.

Shinji is highly attuned with people’s emotions so it’s mostly just intuition that comes from years of working with people. Not as insane as Geto and he’s very upfront about his problems.

Illumi is gonna be a funny exception here because he fails at both points and doesn’t care about feelings in general.

24. Who’s more likely to give the other a massage?

It’s me. Surprisingly I’m very good at it. Just to quote my mom, I have “golden hands” and my grip is crazily strong compared to how delicate (and honestly pretty weak) I am.

Geto despite being the perfect specimen for a good massage, rarely lets me working the homicidal mania out of his tense muscles. But he does feel better after my treatment. And I can get a good feet massage in return. He can’t touch my back tho because his grip would just rearrange all the vertebras in my spine and not in a horny way.

Illumi should never be allowed to give a massage because he would accidentally kill me. Again, not in a horny way. And it’s kinda futile to start working on him, he’s too much of a superhuman to feel anything.

Shinji doesn’t like back massages and he’s just too skinny, there’s not enough muscle to work with. But I regularly massage his hands to ease the strain from doing all the paperwork. Yes, you can massage people’s hands just ask my mom. He needs a lil bit of convincing to return the favor but it feels awesome.

The only one who I would ever let to touch my back and neck is Yumichika because he’s very gentle and skilled. It’s kinda like a bonding ritual between us. And he actually owns oils that can be worked into the skin. But if he can’t get compliments while he receives a massage he’s going to be pissed. But really… who wouldn’t compliment the guy for simply being alive and blessing the whole world with his beauty?