#i am very upset by this but i know a solution for feeling better: reading spiderbit fics thumbs up

[pawubits]

no daily spiderbit today, resting my hand :(

[amangoicedtea]

Something new

Hi! I have never written anything like this or posted on tumblr like this so sorry if it is not very good, I tried. Also wrote this about the flames game because I am not well about the mustache being gone, so just imagine it is still there.

Sidney Crosby x reader

Warnings: none

Read below:

“Are you sure?” Sidney asked for what felt like the 100th time. 

“Yes… I’m sorry, I’m just not ready,” she said, “I will still be watching, I promise.”

“Okay, I’ll see you later, yeah?” He walked out the door leaving you alone in his apartment, that he is lovingly letting you crash at. You know he did not like leaving you alone, but he felt better with you being at the house, his house.

The game didn't start for another couple hours so you decided to read while you wait. It was relaxing just laying in his bed while his cat sat with you, very domestic. Moving in was not something the two of you had discussed, still early in the relationship, but he had been leaving hints around, like an extra key and wishing you would stay the night rather than leave. Not that you were upset by it, a hockey player with a cute ass cat, yeah no fight necessary. But there was always going to be something in the back of your mind a little worried about the relationship. Sidney is 37 while you are 26, not a child by any means, but an eleven-year age gap might raise concerns by fans. That was the reason you weren't going to the game tonight and just stuck with watching it in his house. The age gap was a sore spot for the two of you, because while Sidney was never a very public man, especially with his love life, he still wanted you to feel comfortable going out with him and going to games, which is why it was so hard to turn him down every other day.

When enough time passed, the game was starting, cozied up in bed with Maverick watching the national anthem being sung. The penguins were playing the flames at home tonight, with the penguins on a hot streak, it should be an interesting game. Luckily, the win streak continued with a 2-6 Penguins win, Sidney got an assist so he should be happy. Once more time passed after the game ended and the post-game interviews started, Sidney appeared again looking smiley and happy after the win. Zoning out to his voice, you fight to stay awake, the best solution is to get up and get something to eat so you don’t fall asleep while you wait for Sidney. 

Hours later, after you ate and read some more of your book, you hear the door being unlocked. Sidney comes down the hall towards his room where he knows you are at and smiles. He hates that you wait up for him, but secretly he loves being able to talk to you once he gets home. 

“That was a great game, Sid!”

“Yeah I am pretty happy about it,” he says while doing his cute little half smile. “Happy to be home though.”

“I’m happy you are home too, maybe next game I’ll go see you play,” you add sheepishly.

“Really?”

“Yeah, I like watching you play here but I know seeing it in person would be amazing,” you said, “and I have been thinking about it, and I think I might be ready to not hide anymore, I trust you, and it's not like you would make a big instagram post or anything.”

“Thank you,” he says, quickly he goes and changes and crawls right back in bed, “that would be everything I need.” 

[nownahc]

tokens of appreciation | jww.

introduction | wonwoo & company

prev. | m.list | next

wonwoo | ▶• ılıılıılılıılıılı. oh my god by fog lake

facts

- picked up photography when he was really young. his brother had wanted to try it out but quickly gave up. wonwoo tried it for himself, and never let go since then - a senior in photography major. often gets upset with some of the teachers view on art. thinks they're too closed off. also, very shy about posting his pictures. - likes to be alone on his night strolls to take pictures. still, he can't say no when mingyu asks to tag along. - apart from photography, wonwoo loves gaming, reading and puzzles - wonwoo lives alone and tends to feel lonely. he never states so though. - he's closed off and never really talked about his feelings or struggles. always managed to say enough to quiet his friends and not enough to be truthfull about what he's going through

one thing hoshi would like wonwoo to know... open up more, we're worried about you

mingyu | ▶• ılıılıılılıılıılı. how to drown by cottonwood firing squad

facts

- often get mischaracterized as a dumb, casanova guy. often gets insecure because of that and, lowkey scared that he'll end up becoming the person everyone thinks he is - genuinely frustrated and sad when people don't approach him because of that. thinks no one really knows nor understand who he is. exept wonwoo - childhood bestfriend with wonwoo. spent 2 years without talking to each others though. the reasons why will never be disclosed by neither of them - mingyu always has his phone on him in case his family, or friends seek help, he thrives in being people's happy pill - it's rare for mingyu to shut down or be quiet. when he does, it means that he's seriously in pain - he doesn't believe in grudges, if he accepts your apology, then consider your fault completly erased in his brain. just don't do it twice.

one thing seungcheol would like mingyu to know... you're a better person than i am

seungcheol | ▶• ılıılıılılıılıılı. inside out by duster

facts

- used to be on of those person who mischaracterized mingyu. due to forced proximity in high school thanks to various clubs, he learnt that mingyu was a cool guy - to this day, he still feels guilt as to how he portrayed mingyu - quit drinking and smoking as his new year resolution. so far he's doing good - tends to vent in their groupchat then dips off from the surface of the earth for a few days. comes back later as if nothing happened - he doesn't know how to comfort people, but he's an excelent rationnal advice giver - never attended college, he works with his brother in a record store. coolest guy in town

one thing mingyu would like seungcheol to know... when i said i forgave you, i meant it

hoshi | ▶• ılıılıılılıılıılı. problems by pinegrove

facts

- believes love is the most important thing this wolrd can provide. wether it's family, friends or a lover, love is the glue and solution to everything to him - he's a senior in biology major. wants to work in a zoo, he's an heavy feline lover - never really studies but he always manages to pass his exams. in class, he's really attentive and that's really all he needs to have good grades - often cancel plans because he'd rather hang with his mom. his friends never get upset when he does. - wants to travel the world on his own after he graduates. terrified he won't see what the world has to give, always up for an adventure - currently is in a dopamine detox challenge, hence why he's slow with his replies

one thing wonwoo would like hoshi to know... you deserve to be happy, whoever gets to fall in love with you or have you in their life is lucky

prev. | m.list | next

[loveandmurders]

Oh my God I love your writing. Can you do like a young Sinclair daughter!reader story where a group tourist have a kid about her age and she begs the brothers not to kill them so she can have a friend. (Kind of like a little kid ask for a puppy or something.)

Hello there, thank you so much for your kind words and request!

I hope you'll enjoy this little one shot <3

LET ME KEEP HIM

Warnings: no proof reading, mentions of killing adults and children, violence, loneliness, child abuse (not you)

“Why am I the only kid in Ambrose?” you asked your parents at breakfast this very morning. Lester wasn’t there yet, so the twins had to deal with this on their own. They exchanged a look. They had told you your story, and you knew they were killing people as a living. It was a good enough reason for them.

“Ya know why, love” Bo finally said and you put your fork and knife back on the table, to stare at him.

“But ya could have adopted someone else.” you argued back

“One daughter’s more than enough” Bo tried to gently tease you as Vincent was silently thinking about your words.

“Alright…” you pouted as you resumed eating. Vincent gently stroked your hair to comfort you.

“You’re feeling lonely here?” he signed to you.

You were aware your parents were trying the best for you because they loved you more than anything. You didn’t want to upset them, but the truth was you wanted to socialise with other children of your age. Imaginary friends weren’t enough for you anymore, and your heart was bleeding whenever you were watching TV. You wanted a best friend or even a sibling you could bond with, like everybody else. You wanted someone in your life who wasn’t your parents, no matter how much you loved them.

“A little bit” you finally admitted and both the twins hummed in thought and sadness.

They had no solution to offer you for the moment but they were going to think about it with Lester. They understood why you felt that way. At the same time they weren’t too sure what to do, but they always figured out something when it was about you. They needed their daughter to be happy and to be certain they were good fathers to you.

After breakfast, you started to study the school manuals they got you. The twins were checking on you from time to time, and when you needed something or an explanation, you were asking Vincent for help. When Lester arrived in Ambrose, Bo told him about what you said, and it broke the man’s heart. Lester couldn’t believe they had been so stupid to not realise that you would necessarily need to be around kids of your age to grow up well. He had noticed the way you were looking at the few children who were in the House of Wax. He felt sadness coming from you and he had thought it was because you were feeling empathy toward them or because you were afraid. He had reassured you that you were loved and that nothing could happen to you. You had nodded but you hadn’t seemed to feel a lot better. He understood why now. However, like his brothers, he had no idea what to do to make things alright for you.

When Lester led tourists in Ambrose that day, he saw they had a little boy of your age. Now he had a daughter, Lester always noticed kids around. It had been a while he hadn’t brought any of them to Ambrose. But he didn’t really think about him as a solution. He wasn’t planning on adopting anyone else for you. He thought more about getting you to a school near Ambrose or something like that. He didn’t want your first friend to be made in a very violent and brutal context.

The twins were always a little bit more reluctant to kill children now they had you. Already before, but now it was worse. They always made it quick and painless. They had no other choice but to kill them, but they really took no pleasure in this. Even less when it was a little girl of your age. They rarely turned them into wax statutes anymore either, because they didn’t want to upset you. And because it was making them question their business.

When Bo saw the little boy, he almost groaned. He didn’t want to kill a child, especially after the conversation he had with you this morning. He hid those thoughts with great talent, like always, but his smile flattered when he saw the bruises and little wounds, including cigarette burns littering the boy’s body. Bo knew what it was to be abused by his parents so he instantly picked on the signs. Fuck, he really didn’t want to kill that child. He was even thinking about letting the parents go. But at the same time, he tried to convince himself that by killing everyone, it would be a way to punish the parents and to bring peace to the poor boy. He seemed so scared, so desperate and so angry at the same time. Bo could see himself in the little boy.

Lester warned Vincent about the presence of a child. That way the masked twin would know it needed to be an even quicker and cleaner kill than usual. Both you and Vincent heard the boy crying when his mother slapped him after he asked for her attention when she was chatting with Bo and her husband. Vincent didn’t have time to react; you were already leaving the house. You wanted to see that child.

You ran and then walked to the garage. You hid behind the building and you saw the little boy who was trying so hard to keep his sobs silent to not annoy the adults surrounding him. He thought he should have known better than grabbing his mother’s hand. He hated himself for wanting her when she clearly despised him. Both his parents made him do such awful things to please adults he didn’t know. Bo was trying to shush him as his parents were apologising for the terrible attitude of their child. They explained to Bo that he was like that since the beginning of their journey to go see his uncle. The little boy’s tears fell even quicker at the mention of his “uncle” . The abuse was always even worse at this place. 

Bo felt your eyes on him and he turned towards you. He wanted to ask you to leave, but he saw the curiosity and the interest in your eyes, but also the concern you felt for the child. He saw you wanted to come closer. It was the first time you were so close to a child of your age. He knew it was a bad idea, especially because the kid was going to die, but he couldn’t deny you that. He opened his hand out for you and you came closer. You hugged him from the side as he kept you close and introduced you to the tourists. The boy stopped crying the instant you appeared. You both started to look at each other.

And something happened.

You both instantly liked and wanted each other company. You just knew it. There was a bond between the two of you. The boy was usually clingy to his mother who hated that, but he completely forgot about her as he tried to remember every feature of your face. You were usually very talkative, even with the tourists, but you were completely silent as you were doing the same with the boy. Bo noticed it and he wasn’t too sure what was going on. He kissed the top of your head. 

“How ‘bout ya go back home, love?” he asked you. He didn’t like you to be so close to abusive people. You never argued back when there were tourists, so you nodded.

“Do ya wanna come with me?” you asked the boy who instantly smiled at you, and you both looked back at your parents for them to agree. The boy’s parents were happy to have a break from him so they nodded. Bo was a little more reluctant, but he couldn't say no to your pleading eyes so he finally agreed as well. He sent a quick text to Vincent to let him know though. He hoped it would mean that Vincent would be the one to kill the child.

When you came back home, you brought the boy into the bathroom and you started to take care of him. You had seen the bruises too, and you had wanted to make him feel better. It was natural to you because you always took care of the people you loved. He was shyly letting you do it. He wasn’t used to being treated so kindly and he quickly knew he would do anything to stay in Ambrose and to also take care of you. You were like an angel to him. You started to talk together, and it was like you had been best friends forever. You were giggling as he was showing off how strong he was to impress you, despite the state of his body. 

The nice moment was stopped when you heard his mother scream in fear and call his name. You quickly grabbed his hand and asked him to stay with you. He had shared feelings about it but he finally followed you in your room. You had decided you were going to keep him and you were going to convince your parents to let him live here. You didn’t care if they never truly “adopted” him like they did with you, you just wanted the boy to stay by your side or you would lose your sanity. He seemed worried but he didn’t ask questions. His parents taught him to never ask questions. In a way, he trusted you with his life. And it wasn’t like his parents ever were kind like you were to him.

After a little while, the town was silent again and Vincent knocked at your door before opening it. He had a bloody knife in his hand. Bo killed the father, Vincent killed the mother. And he was now here for the child. The boy’s eyes widened at the sight and you were quick to stand up and to place yourself in front of him to protect him. You asked him to stay where he was and he obeyed even if he wanted to be the one to protect you. His parents never valued his life and he wasn’t sure he was valuing it himself. But he felt that the man in front of you didn’t want to hurt you. Vincent gestured for you to move to the side but you shook your head.

“Don’t kill him! He’s my friend! I want him to stay here with us, please, dad” you begged and the little boy was completely confused. He grabbed your hand, silently asking you what was going on. You didn’t answer and turned back toward Vincent who wasn’t too sure what to do anymore either. Your parents never killed in front of you and they were planning on keeping things that way for quite a while. Vincent didn’t want to do anything that would make you fear him either. He loved you way too much for that.

Bo was worried about you so he came back home and called for you and his twin. You answered and when Bo entered the room, he quickly understood what was going on. 

“Y/N, don’t make things harder than it has to be” he started, hoping he would be able to convince you to keep things the way they used to be

“I just want a friend! I won’t feel lonely anymore if he stays. I’ll take care of him, ya won’t have to worry ‘bout him” you promised and you looked back at the boy before your attention was on your fathers once again.

“He could run away…” Bo started

“No he won’t!” you exclaimed “Right?” you asked him. The boy was lost but if he could live with you, he was going to grab the chance.

“I’ll be good.” he promised like he always did to his parents and it almost made Bo want to vomit. He knew those words way too well too.

“See?” you insisted

“I can be useful too” the boy offered “I’ll protect your daughter when you are… working” he added. He was coming from a pretty dark family, so he knew that business could imply doing bad things. He was pretty certain his parents were dead or at least in a very bad situation. At the same time he wasn’t even sure they could be considered as his parents; they never loved him.

He definitely touched a sensitive cord with his last words and the twins exchanged a look.

“If anythin’ happens to her while she’s under your watch, we’ll kill ya” Bo warned him and your eyes widened in surprise and horror.

“Father!” you exclaimed

“Good to me” the boy nodded and both the twins left your room, leaving you with your new best friend and protector.

[cepheustarot]

What would make you feel better?

Attention! This reading is for entertainment purposes only. You make your own decisions and are responsible for them yourself, so it's up to you to listen to advice or not.

Choose one or more cards. Trust your intuition.

Card 1 Your current state: You are still holding on to some things in the past or you are attached to some people, relationships. These things or people may be dear to you, but they do not bring more joy or other positive emotions into your life. In fact, you are holding on to memories. Also I can say that you in a situation in which you do not see a suitable solution and just patiently wait for the situation to resolve itself. It's like a disclaimer, as if you're shifting the solution to the problem to the universe(?)

What will you help: You need to pull yourself together and solve problems! Deep down you know the right solution, but you can resist because you don't like it, it hurts or you don't want to upset another person, or something like that. In any case, if you don't act now, your condition will worsen and you risk falling into a state of apathy. You can also be helped to make the first step by a person you trust and who gives good advice, he is wise and has a lot of life experience, so try to talk to him. I believe that everything will turn out well for you and you will cope with any adversity.

Card 2. Your current state: As I see it, here you are in a state of affairs where little depends on you and the resolution of the situation depends on another person or smth like this. You are just patiently waiting for the outcome, while you are in such an incomprehensible state when you do not know what to expect. Unpredictability worries you very much and causes severe stress, you are thinking about different ways to resolve the situation, but this does not calm you down, but makes you even more nervous.

What will you help: Since you can't influence the situation in any way, you need to try to calm down and let it go, think less about it and switch to something else. Excessive overthinking will not make you feel better, so you need to focus on taking care of yourself, reduce stress and anxiety. In this case, any things that please or calm you will help you, the main thing is that they distract you from thoughts and do not allow you to plunge back into the previous state. A trip somewhere will help well, it doesn't matter if you go alone or with someone, it will in any case bring new emotions into your life. I believe that you will cope with everything, be kind to yourself.

Card 3. Your current state: you locked ourselves in though and detached from reality, spend more time alone with your thoughts. Obsessive thoughts make you very sad, you don't know how to cope with them and in general you are at a dead end, you don't know how to get out of this state and help yourself. You are also indifferent to many events in your life and can left to chance everything.

What will you help: first, it is important to fight with your thoughts, they need to be challenged. If you have negative obsessive thoughts, for example, you are not succeeding and there is a feeling that you will never succeed, then try to give arguments against them, for example: "I have already been through this and successfully coped, so this time I will succeed" or "I have just started my journey and am gaining experience, mistakes at the beginning are natural, success comes gradually", I understand that my explanation may sound vague, but I hope the meaning is clear. You also need to keep a balance, you feel very sad, but you should try to create moments that will bring joy into your life, whether it's meeting friends or hobbies, any little things that make you happy. This should help you see that there is not only one melancholy around you, and good moments are also present. If necessary, contact a specialist. Be kind to yourself and remember that you can handle everything.

Thank you for reading! I will be glad of any feedback <3

[lyrical-fanfics]

Comforting a depressed partner

So I've been having a bit of a depressive episode, and I've been having a hard time, so I decided to make a quick HC of what the TWST boys would do if you were in the same situation.

Heartslaybul | Savanaclaw | Octavinelle | Scarabia | Pomefiore | Ignihyde | ✨Diasomnia✨

💚 Diasomnia Boys💚

Malleus

He knows something is wrong but doesn't exactly put a name to it.

He's instantly concerned, protective, and producing solutions that he's only able to implement because he's Malleus.

One such solution was to have you call upon him instantly by simply speaking his name into the wind, and he's there.

He gets you moving a bit by lifting you into his arms and swaying a bit to an inaudible tune, but if you need to sleep, he'll place you in his arms, and encourage you to rest.

he'll drag his fingers across your jaw and face, catching any tears, aching any pains, and quelling all anxieties.

He has a bad habit though of not telling people where he is if he's caring for you at his place, and if you're with him, he won't tell anyone you're there so that he's the only one caring for you

"No need to move if you cannot, I will be here in mere moments if you call upon me... Although Lilia tells me movement can help, so come into my arms, I'll support you in this time."

Silver

He's really trying his best, but he becomes especially frustrated with himself when his narcoleptic tendencies sprout up.

He's asking you questions about what you need, and he's being as much of a knight in shining armor as he can be, but there's nothing physical to fight, and that frustrates him.

He wants nothing more than to take it all away with one swing of a sword, but until then, he gently kisses your hand, hair, or forehead while you sleep, worried he'll break your moment of rest.

As he helps you, he gets more used to it and eventually becomes a pro. He works hard to read your moods, your cravings, to learn everything he can, just so he can be that knight in shining armor once again, even if it means knowing when to step back so someone else can help

"... Ah! Sorry, I dozed off again... how was your appointment?... What were the tools you were given? can I assist in any way? ... I'll do that. Please, if there's anything I can do, tell me."

Sebek

Much like Silver, he's upset that there isn't anything physical he can fight to make it all go away.

He's quiet for once while he cares for you, trying to think of anything to make you feel better.

When you ask what's wrong, he yells that you shouldn't be asking him that question when you're the one who's currently suffering. (Suffering is a bit dramatic in your eyes, but you let it be).

He tries his best to listen, but ends up trying to force his own ideas onto you, but is quickly reprimanded when Lilia finds out.

after being reprimanded, he'll probably be a bit lost, so some guidance will be needed.

He's a bit torn between seeing over you, and watching over Malleus, but Malleus gives him time off each day to come and care for you

He's one to kiss your hand when it ends up in his, squeezing it, and intertwining his fingers with yours.

"Human! I am here!... I was given time off by My Lord to come and visit you... Although I admit I have no idea what to do. They scolded me for yesterday... What can I do for you today?"

Lilia

He's very used to caring for others, but lord forbid he thinks you need to eat something he makes.

He might confuse your refusal to eat his food with a loss of appetite, but the rest of Diasomnia will convince him to get food that wasn't made by him.

He's one to randomly show up and start caressing any exposed skin, whispering comforting words into your ear, and then try and get you moving just a little bit.

If he startles you, he takes that as a success.

His lighthearted approach masks his pain that he can't do much beyond what he's already doing.

He'll want you to lean against him while sitting, just so he can kiss the crown of your head and keep an eye on your appetite and medicine.

"You didn't eat what I made you? Oh! not a bad reaction, but still not where it was before... I brought you something else, Silver insisted. come here, I'm yours for a little bit."

[sleepymccoy]

Hey sleepy! I liked your reply about your job and the questions you need to think about wording. I saw something in your tags and wanted to provide my experience if that's ok? I don't know how valuable it is to share, and it may be the case that you already know or have considered this, so, to be taken or left at will :)

You say you see a lot of autistic people on tumblr having strong negative reactions to normal interactions, which can be a bit confusing. And it's true! They are normal and polite, and to some extent necessary. What I want to say is this : I am autistic, and growing up I struggled a lot with these subtle questions. I did get a lot better at this with practice, and conscious effort - I am 30 years old now, and my interactions are easier to navigate, even if I still regularly run into the same problems I used to. This makes me have complicated interactions with people, but complicated is just part of life, and most people are quite helpful I find.

Where I think the problem still lies for me, and where this anger might be coming from when people complain about this online, is that people quite regularly still get angry or upset with me when I don't answer properly or seem like I don't understand something easy. I mean like colleagues at work, where we range from 30 to 55 years of age.

There is a difference between your work and mine, question wise, I think : my colleagues don't know I'm autistic, while you know your patients have dementia. They think I'm a bit weird (this has been communicated to me lol), but no more. It may be that you simply don't interpret them as rude, because you know they're not trying to be, while people regularly interpret my behavior this way - rude, lazy, stupid, what have you. In my life I am finding people to not always be very patient when I don't follow the expected script. Many people are!! Most people are. And we go back and forth asking more questions to figure out what we're talking about, and sometimes I can feel that they are finding this a bit funny, but it works out in the end. But the angry and upset ones weigh heavy, and when I was a child many more people felt comfortable, I think, being angry with me. It took a lot of time to unlearn that I could get punished for asking follow up or clarifying questions for simple conversations.

I think, in short, that the autistic people you see complain about this have learned to be afraid. If they are young, or surrounded by less patient people, people might be getting angry at them often, or it may be recent in their life that they did get angry.

(It may also be that they have been trying to learn how to navigate these for a while, and it just won't work! It can be very hard to tell what went wrong in a given interaction and it's easy to leave it with the wrong conclusion. Working on this was a very frustrating process. But this is, I think, another subject.)

Thank you for your patience with my many many words, and please have a good day :)

Hey thank you!!

Especially thank you cos I was a bit nervous rambling like that cos I definitely don't want to try and take away from autistic people's experiences, or put myself in a place where I shouldn't be. I fully get that a lot of tumblr stuff is people not looking for solutions and just venting about their life (that's healthy! You need a space for that!) so I don't wanna step in all defensive and explanatory when someone's just had a particularly shit day. I'm very pleased you read it (long as it was) and didn't come away offended ❤️

I expect I do have quite different experiences, one (obviously) because I'm not autistic. The other being I work in a place that pretty much requires abnormal patience to be able to do the job. This job also is hugely culturally diverse and the style of communication in the break room is plain and simple English and trying to reword sentences quickly and blamelessly because confusion is presumed to be a cultural mishmash or struggle with english. There are definitely neurodiverse staff who I work with (some have told me, some just struggle beyond a language barrier) but it isn't much of an issue cos of the culture we've built. This probably puts me on a back foot cos it seems so easy to me to chat to everyone I meet, just by code switching slightly as needed. That's basic politeness

So yeah, if there's fucking adult professionals in the world not approaching colleagues with politeness and generosity, you'll have some bad times. I've had them at prior workplaces, bullies are cunts

There are of course a lot of differences between people living with dementia and autistic people, but I admit I hadn't thought of my awareness of their diagnosis! You're totally right, and being aware of someone's needs does change my behaviour.

I agree with you that it seems like people have learnt to be afraid of conversations. I think that's very sad, cos most conversations are harmless and fun.

The bit I see on tumblr that bothers me most really is the grouping of "all autistics think like this whereas all neurotypicals think like that" which just cannot help anyone actually chat. It's not always as a neurotypical = bad (although that is most often the tone), but I don't like how it removes uniqueness from people. And I think it's more of a situation where people are applying their personal trauma responses to a whole group of people and assuming it's correct cos it's true for them, individually.

Like, I see my staff room with three Nepalese (one of whom is on the spectrum), a Ugandan with brain damage, the most beautiful Ethiopian woman you'll ever see, the country guy with ADHD, and little me and we're all laughing at the same joke and I just am not seeing the neurotypical people in the room with the same cruelty and dismissiveness as what autistic people describe on tumblr

I can fully empathise how hard it is to shake childhood and lifelong damage from insidious stuff like what you're describing. I'm just not sure the tone I see on most autistic-centric posts are working on shaking it, I think they're wallowing. And it bothers me cos it's fucking sad, most people are fantastic!

I'm glad you mentioned that you do enjoy/don't struggle with most conversations you have these days! I also have some dud interactions throughout the week, but that's just personality clashes. Or the occasional racist 🙄. But most of it should be easy or fun, that's why we've culturally built polite interest small talk and referential shorthand jokes to show intimacy without invasiveness.

I guess it's a bit hard for me to hear that my attempts at being cheerful and causal and friendly might cause just stress in someone, and then I'd never know cos they go away to blog about it in anger. But I suppose I should get over that, if someone chooses not to talk to me about how I unknowingly make life difficult for them that's their choice and not my problem until I'm told

Cos I'm not gonna stop being cheerful and friendly just in case i confuse the odd someone, I'll be miserable and I'll feel cruel. But I am very sorry to think this sort of carry on could be unpleasant to anyone. I dunno, no fixes here of course ❤️❤️

[imhereonthekitchenfloor]

Hey everyone! I just want to address my earlier posts. I am really sorry to anyone who was hurt by them! I didn't realize the casual homophobia that those words could carry. The "guys we aren't supposed to be this way. It feels wrong" was supposed to be a fun lighthearted perspective as a straight person seeing their bestie of the same gender sexualized. As were all the posts about the subject. I saw people mad and was like "??? All I said was I didn't see Taylor in a sexual way. Whats the big deal?" (I was in a rush and did NOT read back the original post) and didn't realize how bad the words could be out of my specific context. Yes, being attracted to women as a woman or non binary person is completely okay and it's okay to be attracted to Taylor Swift. I did not mean to make anyone feel targeted or unsafe by saying those words. I just didn't think through what I was saying on my silly little blog and realize these same words are often used to express hate to the lgbtq community. That doesn't stop the fact that the words could be perceived as homophobic and hateful to anyone who read them.

I talked to a friend within the community about this situation and read them all the posts. They said they know I wouldn't say the words in a homophobic way, but from not being gay myself I miss a lot of the context and the discrimination people have faced. They also said that I am very nonchalant with my words and can express my experiences as universal. Which is absolutely the perspective of the posts where I treat the fandom as one, seeing Taylor as a bestie as a monolith of the fandom. I don't exactly know the solution to this. It makes sense I think from my own perspective first and foremost before thinking of others. Which means I don't always think of or include the nuance I should before I speak or post. And I don't want to be someone saying problematic things because I didn't think of someone else's perspective. I am going to have to think about this going forward. Once again, I am really sorry for anyone who was upset by my words and wish to do better in the future.

[petefromarma]

im ngl as a muslim person seeing people get upset abt patrick performing w gabe when they knew the whole time that like Nothing happened behind the scenes after saportagate the first time (like they were gonna suddenly cut their close friend after like 20 years 😭?) is Very disheartening bc why are brown people getting butchered just like some issue of the month that you pretend to get mad at your fave at for 5 minutes to feel like a good person and then you’re gonna go back 2 posting him every 11 seconds!! HOWEVER it is also disheartening seeing people laugh at the twitter kids for being upset and not say a single word of genuine criticism abt the situation at hand, like its always “oooh look at the dumbasses on twitter pretending to be upset fob discourse this fob discourse that” but none of yall actually admit that its really shitty of them to be shamelessly associating w someone who essentially said that it’s not a genocide because israel wasnt done yet!! like i know we all know they’re all awful people so it doesn’t need to be said again but can we admit that fob like sucks ass for that before we go back to posting pictures of patrick captioned shit like i need to get him pregnant 😭 like annoying as they might be them kids on twitter’s hearts are in the right place

long answer under the cut

first of all anon i'm sorry you're having to deal with this, continually, it is legitimately a bleak situation, all around. i agree with you that those kids have their heart in the right place, to an extent, and raising the issue at all is far better than coping by claiming nonsense like "patrick probably doesn't know what gabe has been saying because he's not online" but it all reads as so incredibly self serving that it is difficult for me not to feel disdain for most of the individuals (those who reside in the west with no tangible connection to the region, to be clear) involved in this conversation right now. this is also, partly, because all i've seen is people fighting with each other over patrick/fob's culpability in their public support of gabe/cobra rather than proposed solutions (attempting to get the attention of their PR team, etc) or support of anything that would be materially beneficial to people in palestine and lebanon right now

i will go ahead and say that i think the only real way to let them know that their silence specifically is unacceptable (i don't think they will ever drop gabe but i do think it's realistic for them to make a statement of some kind) is to comment on fob's official insta/twitter/tiktok and to not support them monetarily; not going to shows, not buying merch, etc. i've made posts about this in the past but didn't reiterate it because it doesn't seem like anyone wants to do this and unless it's executed on a fandom wide level (at least among the twt/tumblr fandoms) i don't think it's going to make much of a difference. my posting has turned more mocking this time around because, and i'll be honest, i am increasingly growing deeply disillusioned (as i'm sure you might be as well, to an extent i could not even begin to fathom) with the way the modern left, at least in the west, is filled with grifters and conmen. of course this has always been a problem but it is quickly becoming more of one on a mass scale and imo the way fandoms, all fandoms, not just fob, react to the moral failings of celebrities they idolize has seemed to me to reflect this problem in miniature

if you'd like to i'd be happy to talk more with you about this over DMs, or if you'd prefer to stay on anon we can continue conversing like this

also, i wasn't aware gabe said that, verbatim; why do these guys always turn into ben-gvir level racists at the slightest provocation

[scribeforchrist-blog]

Out Of Our Heads Unto God

MEMORY VERSE OF THE WEEK

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+ Matthew 15:17 Yes, it is, Lord,” she said. “Even the dogs eat the crumbs that fall from their master’s table.”

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VERSE OF THE DAY

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+ Psalms 22:19  O Lord, do not stay far away! You are my strength; come quickly to my aid!”

=========================

** SAY THIS BEFORE YOU READ; HERE’S SOME CHRISTIAN TRUTHS **

I AM FREE

I AM NOT ASHAMED

I AM FILLED WITH JOY

I AM NOT ALONE

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READ TIME: 8 Minutes & 5 Seconds

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THOUGHTS:

=======================

  I can be honest with you and say that some of our days are very long, and to get past them, we must do it with God. I had a situation recently, and I was so upset that I couldn’t find the words to describe how I felt, so I prayed for a moment. I didn’t feel any better, and the more I thought about it, the more in my head I got about everything.

     I asked the lord why I wasn’t feeling any relief. He said you're still trying to give attention to the situation because you're focused on the situation and not me. I didn't feel like I did, but when I got to thinking about it, I was so focused on what happened then on him. I allowed him to defend me, and it got easier. Sometimes, we don’t realize how frustrated we can be with situations because we are too busy trying to find the solution when God can be our solution if we let him.

 John 16:33 I have said these things to you, that you may have peace in me. In the world, you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.”

    We don’t have to worry about what happens in this world or what is happening now because Jesus has overcome the world; sometimes we think there's no way God can handle our problems, but he can; he can handle anything that’s in our life, but we have to be willing to focus on him, and I know that’s hard to do, trust me I do. Still, we must remember that he sees how we are feeling and wants to be there for us, but we must allow him ,a lot of times w e block him by our actions and what we do and say, and we must be willing to give him every part of ourselves.

 Psalm 32:8 I will instruct you and teach you how you should go; I will counsel you with my eye upon you.

  ��  God will instruct us. If we let him, he will give us exactly what we need. Still, all we must do is wait on him, all we must do is hear him, all we must do is know that whatever he tells us is precisely what we must do to make it through; we are going to have tough days, we are going to have days where it feels the world is beating us down and we can't get back up. Still, every day, we must realize that if Jesus did this and if Jesus went through it, why can't we? We must keep pushing through regardless.

 Sometimes, what we go through is for the will of God. Sometimes, we go through this because he tries to get us to focus on the one thing, we are having problems with. Still, because we keep going the opposite way, we keep having this same problem brought to us; we often don’t pass the test because we don’t see it as a test. We keep asking why this is happening to me. Why do I have to go through it? We all go through it for a reason. It's your season. Maybe it's your time, but whatever the reason is, make sure that you ask him, God, why am I here? What are you trying to show me?

   Psalms 22:1 My God, my God, why have you abandoned me? Why are you so far away when I groan for help?”

  We sometimes think that God has abandoned us through our tests, and we keep thinking he doesn’t love us or it’s no way he does, but he does; if God never gives us a test or never helps us grow and develop, we will always be in that same spot, that undeveloped spot but God wants us so to grow to be stronger in Him and grow seeking him, not to be bold without him but bold walking in him through our problems.

  Verse 2: “Every day I call to you, my God, but you do not answer. Every night, I lift my voice, but I find no relief.”

    We don’t hear him sometimes because we are in our heads and are so engulfed with what’s happening that we aren’t focusing on the one that can bring us through. God wants to bring us through our moments, but just like me, we must let go to have his help. He wants to take away our insecurities; no, not every time; he can take away the problem, but he can help us better function through our situations; taking a problem away isn’t going to teach us anything, but when we listen to him, we will hear him show us a better way.

Verse 11: “Do not stay so far from me, for trouble is near, and no one else can help me.”

    David realizes no one else can help him, no one else can be what he needs, but God can never stay away from us unless we push him away; he gives us space to do whatever we want, when we don’t want him near, he doesn’t leave he just steps back, a lot of us don’t realize that our actions don’t invite him in it pushes him away ,God desires to be near us, but we must desire the same thing. I have been in some places in my life in my head where I didn’t always let my actions match my words, and he let me know this, but as he did, I tried my best to correct what I did and how I acted because I realize I need him, and I can’t do anything without him!

 If you realize that you understand what he’s trying to do and how he’s trying to direct you, walk in that way and allow him in so he may guide you!

  ***Today, we talked about being in our heads, and a lot of times, we don’t realize how much we are in our heads and how we have pushed God away so that we can be in our heads alone. Still, God doesn’t want us to be alone; he doesn’t want us to second guess who he is, and I know sometimes we do this when we are dealing with so much because we are trying to figure out the important things , but God wants to help us, he wants to be there, but do we make space for him to be there ??

   Verse 19: “O Lord, do not stay far away! You are my strength; come quickly to my aid!”

    Jesus can come as quickly as we let him, but will we listen and say okay, Jesus, I hear you; let me walk in this way, or will we go back and forth with him about everything Jesus wants us to understand? Yes, this is our life, but we belong to him; when we gave our life to him, he will do exactly what he says he will do, which is be our helper and a guide, do you trust him? Do you want to? If you do, tell him how you’re feeling and allow him in so he can show you the way.

©Seer~ Prophetess Lee

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PRAYER

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Heavenly Father, we thank you for today; we ask that you help us trust you and please take us out of our heads; we desire to be near you to trust you; lord, forgive us if we haven’t done what we needed to do which is trust you lord ,we love you so much and sometimes are days are tough, but we ask you to help us through it, please. Thank you, God, for always being there for us; in Jesus Name, Amen

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REFERENCES

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 + Psalm 118:8 It is better to take refuge in the Lord than to trust in humanity.

+Psalm 9:10 And those who know your name put their trust in you, for you, O Lord, have not forsaken those who seek you

+ Psalm 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God. I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth!”

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FURTHER READINGS

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 Proverbs 22

Leviticus 22

Deuteronomy 31

Psalm 41

=========================

[lone-rhapsodist]

The past two months have been very difficult for me. For reasons beyond my understanding, I have been very depressed.

It started when, with the free time gained from the new job, I decided to start looking for a band. After only two weeks of posting ads, searching through classifieds and talking to people, I immediately stopped and started feeling more and more depressed. Something was not right.

It has happened before in my life that I put too much pressure on myself and had unrealistic expectations about things. But this time, I felt different.

I quit everything I could quit except from my job, my relationship and my work for our local Classics society. I did not make any music, or write, or game.

I spent days thinking and thinking, reading and reading, until eventually I found a good book. "The Confidence Gap", by Russ Harris. Let me tell you: over the years, I have read a lot of books that are bullshit, and a lot of books that are very emotional and inspiring but lacking in practical solutions to your problems. This is a very practical book. Very relatable, very useful. I cannot recommend it enough.

I have spent some time doing some of the work from the book -- reconnecting with my values, rethinking my goals etc. I spent a whole weekend doing just that. It's only been a week, but since I have been doing this work, I've felt a lot calmer, a lot more at peace with my life.

So much so that yesterday, when our landlord called to say that they are thinking of raising our rent by nearly £400, I was able to handle it a lot better than I thought. I mean, I didn't completely lose my shit. That's something. But I was able to keep it to myself until the evening, to avoid upsetting my partner, who had a big commitment during the day.

We are both devastated. Apparently the market value of the property has increased a lot over the past year, and this is actually the best deal that the letting agency could negotiate for us. That's what they said, at least -- I have not yet properly looked into the figures myself, but I feel like that's about right.

What a shitty situation to be in! Now we have to think about whether to move out in February, with all the difficulties it involves, or stay until July/August and pay more rent but be safe for now and have an easier move over the summer. I don't know. Having done two moves in February before, I'm more inclined towards the summer move, but we will do our research and see what's best.

It just really sucks that life must be like this… that happiness never lasts that long. Got a new job? You get depressed. Got over depression? Here's a massive rent increase. Honestly, there's no winning.

I don't know how anyone can ever, truly make it through this. All I know is that I have better tools now to deal with this than I did two months ago. And I am not one for gratitude journals, but I am grateful that I have a great job to support me through this, and a wonderful partner by my side as we try to get through this. And I'm also grateful that, with this new approach to life, despite all this mess, I have still found some time today to do some long-form writing, for the first time in two months.

I don't know what lies ahead. Clearly, the future is unpredictable. But I'm doing my best, and thinking, and doing things one at a time. And I'm happy about that.

[mabeysomeclasspecting]

Hi! I'm preemptively sorry for any mistakes, english is not my first language, but yeah classpect time! The only thing I know for sure is that I'm a Prospit dreamer, other things are confusing as hell to me, so thanks a lot for reading all this and trying to make sense of it! <3

What are your interests/hobbies?

I tend to switch hobbies often bc I operate on a "if I'm not perfect at it immediately I should stop trying" conviction but I tried drawing, crocheting, collage making and web design. Even though I myself am shit at most things creative I'm very good at seeing mistakes in other people's work. Regarding interests, I'm into psychology (it's my uni major), philosophy and history. I love long video essays about an obscure topic, I love learning in general but more in a sense of being smarter than others and making knowledge about a topic part of my personality. I like video games but I play like three games on repeat for 20 years I have 5k hours in skyrim since 2011. I'm also into religion/mythology, spirituality and tarot cards but I don't really believe in all that, it's just interesting from a psychological and historical viewpoint.

How do you see yourself?

I'm unsure who "myself" even is, I made a list of my personality traits once (one of them was "lesbian" so that's a personality trait ig) and that didn't help much. I'm a social chameleon, able to be whatever people want me to be, but I do hold strong beliefs and morals and judge others harshly, just sometimes without showing it. My beliefs are mostly black and white in nature, I'm annoyed at people who are trying to stay in the middle and don't have strong opinions bc goddamn I'm ready to die on any hill. I'm intelligent, aggressive and emotional, but cooperative and friendly if I like people, I like to be important but only in a positive sense. I'm also pretty hypocritical bc of the social chameleon thing.

How do you think others see you?

Almost all of my friends were scared to interact with me at first, so it's either a scary bitch who criticized people for breathing or a contemptuous bitch who thinks she's better than everyone. It used to upset me, I don't think I'm scary or arrogant, but at this point I made peace with it and leant into a proud hater persona more. My gf says that I'm really lovely and kind and helpful (but still a little arrogant) and her opinion is the only thing that matters. And a lot of people think I'm smarter than I am.

How do you interact with your friends?

Jokey bullying but sometimes jokes get away from me and I'm unintentionally crossing a line, that was a point of a lot of arguments, I can be real hurtful at times. When people hurt me unintentionally I throw a fit, which illustrates the hypocrisy I brought up earlier. To make up for being terrible I do acts of service, if my friends need literally anything I'll get it for them. I try to help mentally as well but I offer solutions instead of empathy and that's not what people want usually.

What’s important to you?

I have beef with the concept of fate, I hate predisposition and the idea that our narratives are already written, fatalism is my number one enemy, the whole shebang with Mind and consequences of our choices is my number two enemy, I can do whatever I want. I have a lot of feminism based morals and a lot of opinions about politics. My solutions are extreme but I'm sure they'll work. Murder is okay in self-defense type beat. I cherish my friends a lot and feel horrible if I hurt them. I have a lot of trinkets that bring me memories, they are mostly useless but they are important to me and my memory issues.

Describe the ideal you, what kind of person do you strive to be?

I wish to know myself fully and simultaneously know everything else ever. I think people scared of too much knowledge are cowards. And the ideal me would be a lot less aggressive and anxious all the time, I think mental health issues are really holding me back.

Hello!

Aspects: Light, Mind

Classes: Thief, Prince

I think you're either a Thief of Light or a Prince of Mind!

I hope this helps :)

[thiefking]

Re: your post about tone tags - I feel like people who don't have these kinds of communication issues can also get side tracked by them as a be-all end-all solution, even when tone isn't the cause.

One of my problems is not being able to read "courtesy sugarcoating", as an example, when someone says "this is maybe bothering me a tiny bit, but I don't know" when what they think is "this is bothering me a lot, and I would really like you to do something about it, but saying it like that feels too rough". Similarly they treat my words as the product of sugarcoating, and think I'm always angrier or more upset than I am.

A person might see and start to use tone tags to fix that, and think they should have worked, because they don't really understand the nuances of different kinds of missed social cues. I hope I'm making sense, sorry, I'm very tired.

all made sense to me boss! and you're completely right, the advent of /hj (half-joking) is a good example of how— and i do not mean to imply only neurotypicals/people with no issue reading tone use this tag and (i have to keep stressing this because tumblr is tumblr) this is not a moral judgment, but— the system can be used as just, like, a secondary way to not say what you mean while thinking or pretending that you ARE saying what you mean. the term half-joking means a million things depending on who you ask. i classify that very post as being one made in half-jest, but what does that mean to someone else? to me, that means i wrote it in a humorous tone and i was silly on purpose, in particular where i suggest that you tack on a whole bunch of parentheticals at once including (scary), but my thought behind it was genuine. but for someone else, they'd just call that a regular joke, and to them half-joking means something else entirely. even the definition i just gave for my interpretation isn't solid: that's just what it means to Me, in that specific example. but people who use /hj generally seem to assume the other person will know what THEIR version is, intuitively, even if they themselves have issues with reading tone!

speaking in general, people will always be facetious, hyperbolic, and sarcastic, and they will always sugarcoat, and they will always lie on purpose sometimes, and they will always lie accidentally, whether by omission or by misusing a word they didn't know the real definition of or any other number of ways. tone indicators, whether they be tone tags or parentheses, will not fix this, i'm definitely not gonna claim that either of them would, and i don't think doing any of that is inherently a bad thing. humans are just gonna do that kinda thing, even autistic people. however, i do wholeheartedly believe typing out entire words, rather than truncating them to 3 or less letters when there are only 26 letters and nearly 200k words in active use in the english language, is a better idea to get things across and have people actually understand each other, you know? and with any luck, typing it out entirely might encourage someone to be a little more forthcoming with what they mean because they can explain the reasons they're bothered by something. even if they're still sugarcoating, if you have a reason for it, that's something you can address and ask about, and with any luck resolve before it gets out of hand

[broken-hearted-butterfly]

I suppose I'm mortified, in a sense; being so seen puts me in an unwillingly vulnerable position. It also makes me feel as though I haven't done enough of a job to seem as "on top" of everything as everyone else. We've all got our shares of issues, but I also remind myself that most people don't cope with the scale or depth of my personal issues.

What I'd perceived in myself as edgy banter was perceived as a potential cry for help, at the very least as something meant to be brought to attention. I didn't see the scope of my behaviors and, while I had the dim notion of it beginning to get worse, the scale of it wasn't clear until it was actually brought up with me.

I'm reading aggression where there simply isn't any; I fear that if my service relations don't improve, my job may be at risk. It was repeatedly stressed that I wasn't in any trouble, that there was merely concern for me, but that alone left me feeling like I'd made a huge mistake. Masking isn't the right choice, as much as it would be a solution for the immediate issue; it would burn me out very badly.

The customer service persona itself makes me feel like an ass, I can't talk to a grown adult as one would a child; pitching my voice up plays hell with my dysphoria. It's so clearly fake, the enthusiasm fake, the smile fake, and yet people eat it up. I've been overly aggressive on register, playing up the saccharine to an almost frighteningly comedic degree and the actual venom underneath has never been commented on - it's in high favor with everyone I've used it on.

The communication feels like natural autism issues, magnified. Expected to read minds and interpret queries based on singular words or phrases I've never heard in my life, I feel like an anthropologist trying to navigate this job and the clients in it. I don't know if I want technician work, it's a constant flow of customer service and I already know I'm not a good fit for it. No one expresses a need for help, just a mere expectation to be catered to. Incapable, one singular item, needing a person to perform the role of a machine and treated as a machine would be.

After 5 1/2 months, I'm still living paycheck to paycheck. I just learned the days I'd taken off for a medical procedure could have been put in as sick days, meaning I wouldn't be $200 short on my current check. No one had told me. I didn't know, and no one had told me. I have another doctor visit approaching, and still have to schedule with another. I know what I likely need to help my body, I'm just not in a position to fully have access yet.

I could tell it wasn't getting any better when I realized how much I was beginning to detest coming home to roommates. One becomes aggressive when their methodology is questioned or if they're asked to attend to chores, while the other suffers under the weight of her own success - how will she be able to prepare for her 6 month internship when she has to attend a wedding and a cruise in the same month? Everyone is so loud, I just want to be left alone, and that was one of the early signs that something was wrong.

I have been offered three consecutive paid days off. I am considering the offer. I would like to be given at least a week each 3 months, just for my own sake. For my mental health, for my physical health, for my overall wellbeing.

I don't want others to see this and assume that it's the new normal and become unwilling to engage with me because they're expecting friction. They will want to avoid me.

I suppose the fact that it's become visible upsets me in part because I was taught to keep my head down and my mouth shut. I was nearly baker acted in high school once the curtains began to lift on my abuse situation, and it made the abuse escalate. Doctors seeing some conditions and commenting on how they could be due to stress, my father replying sternly that he had no idea what could possibly stress me so badly. I don't feel like I fully know how to cope with my stress - the gentle self care methodology doesn't feel fully in line with the emotions I feel. I didn't even notice my stress, telling myself to try again try again without actually seeing ways to effectively reduce my stress. Being singed out for not being able to manage it is embarrassing, even when it comes with a message of other people being willing to help. I feel as though I don't want the help, I don't want the pity. I want the pity, I want others to see the stress I'm under. I don't want to be pitied, I can manage my own self. Sometimes I wonder about that. I want the recognition until I actually receive it and then it becomes upsetting.

[ropes3amthoughts]

My little sister told me I needed to watch more “real people” movies and shows because I told her I hadn’t seen a lot of stuff so we sat down and watched “I Am Not Okay With This” and that show was pretty awesome I enjoyed it and it ended on such a crazy cliffhanger but it was cancelled so there was no more 💔 and we were upset so we looked up the graphic novel afterwards and lemme tell you guys that ending was depressing as shit I hope the show doesn’t do that because that would be a very sad message

Ok I just start rambling beyond this point lmao

Also I’m pretty sure my sister recommended that because she thinks I’m a lesbian lmao ok so it might sound crazy to anybody reading this because like everyone of my Tumblr buddies know me as gayboy Kabruliker but I’m nonbinary and I double dip with being gay I dabble in a bit of both though not really in real life lmao I hardly ever feel about people that way not in fiction but in fiction it’s fair game gender don’t matter n stuff but like since I’m afab (not out to my family because they’re transphobic) and I don’t find irl guys attractive and I had a crush on my friend who was a girl in middle school and also I like stuff like Arcane and I do think real girls are pretty even if I rarely actually like like them I think my sister thinks I’m a lesbian especially bc this one time we were talking about celebrity crushes and she recommended I just “get one” because “it’s fun” and her recommendation for me was Billie Eilish lmaooo it’s sweet she’s supportive even though I’m not a lesbian I mean I think if I were to identify with anything it would be demiromantic (and then like panromantic too because it’s not like gender based? Idfk man) asexual because I have had two crushes in real life before but I just might not get one again? I kind of figure I’d get one in the middle of high school because I had one on a guy in third grade (which is the middle of elementary) and I had one on a girl in seventh grade (which is the middle of middle school) but I’m halfway done my senior year of high school and nada so I guess that’s just not happening lol it’s not too big a deal though I don’t want a partner like super badly but sometimes it’s awkward when I’m talking to people and they’re like “who do you have a crush on” and I tell them it’s no one lmao

That was all kind of nonsense rambling lol I just thought my sister thinking I’m a lesbian is kinda silly but also sweet and I guess I kinda wanted to share my identity too I mean I’m not totally confident in it and I feel like pinpointing exactly what it is is kinda difficult but idk I feel like it would surprise some people to know I find fictional women attractive maybe even more so than fictional men like in Dungeon Meshi I could name you like 5 attractive women and the only attractive man I’d tell you is Kabru lmao ok sorry I can’t stop talking about him ever

Oh yeah so for the ending of the graphic novel, spoilers obviously, for the graphic novel, it ends with Sydney blowing her own head up and like that’s such a fucked up message like mentally ill grieving gay girl who feels like she makes everything worse kills herself to solve her problems like what if there were people who could really relate and they see that she just kills herself 😭 I don’t think I’d try to explode my own head or anything but I think I’d feel a little discouraged with overcoming grief and stuff y’know I mean it can end sad no one has to make it end happy and the graphic novel is called “I Am Not Okay With This” so like maybe it’s saying the ending isn’t ok and that’s like not the solution but idk man it felt anticlimactic and depressing like she never takes control of her life and feels guilty and sad forever bro I mean maybe I’m reading into it wrong but it sure as hell felt sad 😭 I like what the show did better and I’m definitely biased because I watched that first but I feel like it fleshed stuff out more and I found the characters pretty fun n stuff like y’know?

Ok also spoilers for the show. Lowkey I should probably get a diary too because I just ramble about everything online but whatever it’s not like online can be stolen like in the show lmao bro how did Brad even steal Syd’s diary like did she leave it at the counselor’s office and then Brad was like “oh I know her I can give it to her” and the counselor just trusted him or something lmao like what also why was the show rated M none of the sex or violence was all that explicit like the sex was implied and cut away from and Brad’s head exploding wasn’t like super visceral I don’t think. I feel like the show coulda done a little less with flashbacks though like there were only 7 20 minute episodes and so much of it was the same footage! Wish there could’ve been a bit more 💔 it was fun though I liked it it was funny it was interesting I enjoyed it I’d recommend it even I actually think this got recommended to me a while ago lmao but I’m so slow to start (and finish) stuff lol. I mean this is kinda my diary bc I’m pretty sure nobody reads my nonsense rants except me lmao and that’s chill it’s just nice to rant sometimes

[sealegsagain]

I came to some pretty good realizations...

In the car today after I got home. I listened to my old mixes and I'd like to write about that. i am feeling incredibly clear headed about a lot of things that happened, and the decentering men topic has risen to the surface yet again. Let's get some of that out. It's a lot and I'm not gonna get to it all in this entry, but I'm gonna stick a note here later to follow up on this

I'm quite scatterbrained right now. Note to self:

Get thee to the Korean spa. I need to do this once every winter, and Post Magfest is a move. I need to soak.

But yes, I need to center myself a bit before writing this. I have been very good at not harshly beating myself up lately so I'd like to continue that. (edit. I wrote a bit and I'm still not feeling incredibly "centered". I did out in the car earlier. Oh well. My thoughts are just pingin' right now and I struggle (istruggle) to express them as clearly as I'd like. I think it's because I'm tired)

Just as I can read my old writing and gain insight, I can too from my old mixes. I know the state of mind I was in, I know my goals and motivations were for making each one and I am able to HONESTLY SELF-ASSESS their strengths and weaknesses from a place of encouragement and forgiveness, just as I am with my older writings.

There's a better word for this than "encouragement and forgiveness" but i'm not really up for finding right now. Still exhausted.

Anyway, back in Virginia, I was nailing a lot of mixes. I was out there for two whole hours and surprised myself with my capabiies. I then showed that mix to the wrong person (well, they found it) and I let their HARSH crit just mess with my head. (they came out of NOWHERE and BLASTED me without me even submitting it before them. I am STILL upset about this) I let their opinion take whatever pride I had about my progress, my gains - AWAY- from me. I reacted to it. I used to be very reactive. What happened happened. I mean they could have fucking not said those things, but I could have also not reacted to it. I do concede in that they were right in that I should have not put it out there as you know, a public representation of my work... But I was proud of the progress. Idk. man. I wish there was a better solution.

But yeah. I'd like to say something about gaining confidence from small improvements, and then I think I'm done writing here for the day. *ping ping*

When one is to undertake an art, or really, any activity, it is important to gain confidence from improvement. To say "hey. I did that RIGHT. Hell yes. I CAN do this after all. I am CAPABLE." ----- Digression below:

I sometimes get mad that I felt I didn't receive enough of that from my parents growing up. They didn't notice when I did better. They didn't take pride in my achievements, it feels like. I was EXPECTED to achieve, and when I did NOT, I disappointed them so much that that's all that mattered, it feels like. That's my memory I walk around with. Is it a real one? Is it true, or is it a story I tell myself? Or well, that's dad. I can't remember NOT disappointing my dad. I can't recall any instances where he was actually proud of me. If there are, they're drowned out by his constant, almost unrelenting disappointment. And also, if he was proud, it was on his terms for some shit he valued that I did not. It felt foreign. He wanted me to be something that I never would be, and so I'm not sure if his praise even mattered in that context. I just felt like I was being bent in a certain direction. He was trying to bend me. I STILL FEEL that he is trying to bend me. *sigh* Was I being bent tho? - This is worth exploring- I still may have misperceptions of what he wanted from me that I still rebel against. Now THERE'S actual insight. Just even being around him just puts me into this reactive state that I don't like. If he wonders why I don't call him, that's a very good reason. I don't like not calling. I do not like not calling anyone. I just... know what happens. I feel like a prey animal walking into a lion's cage whenever I try to have a normal convo. I have to be ON GUARD because It's DANGEROUS. heh. But honestly, I really do go in each time WITH THE BEST INTENTIONS. I am very guarded and I have hard boundaries that will not be crossed tho. No matter what he says. No matter how much he tells me that I seem to be an adult with my shit together now (there is a lot he doesn't know), I still have such trauma, such ingrained war flashbacks from dealing with him over the years that even fucking talking to him can be is yes.. I'll use the word. Triggering. HA! HA!

You see that's what I do with both my parents. I try to have normal conversations with them. I try to talk to them like I would anyone else. I try each and every time I call them to keep it positive, adult, keep it healthy, but then out of the blue, some toxic bullshit gets inserted that makes me feel like I'm 15 again, and so I react like I'm 15. Happened the other day with my mom. How stupid.

-----

Mom, on the other hand. My memory is fuzzier of her. I think she was better at actually being proud of me for SOMETHING (?), but still possibly too wrapped up in her own head and her own insecurities to really be present.

She was proud of me when I was little. I think I remember that. She liked me then. That "am I good at anything?" moment is pivotal, and I also figured out (while thinking about it driving around at work the other day) why I was asking this, what was upsetting me and what I wanted to hear.

Anyway. Tired. Need ramen. need bath.