#i am very frustrated that it's basically an opportunity for an income that is no longer within my possibilities!

[ginkovskij]

i wrote down a couple ideas for paintings, which is itself great! i can only work slowly and with long pauses in between (rip in peace hands of mine), but i will try to finish one of them!

[kaybee62888]

More Money Please!!!

Living in the United States was seen as the best thing in the world. Sure, there are plenty of opportunities to better oneself and we have way more freedom than other countries. But the United States has its own struggles and crisis going on. The cost of living in the United States has increased tremendously over the years to where even two-family income households are barely scraping by. People just aren't able to afford even the bare necessities!

With the cost of living on the rise, I feel the minimum wage should also be increased. In Ohio, for example, before the law passed to increase the minimum wage was $ 7.25 an hour. Now the minimum wage is up to $ 10.45 an hour, according to Ohio Minimum Wage Laws Explained for Small Businesses. It is said that by the year 2025, the minimum wage amount will increase up to $ 15 an hour according to the Institute for Research on Labor and Employment.

I honestly feel even $ 15 an hour is not sufficient enough due to even one bedroom apartment can be at minimum $1000 to rent these days. Food prices are outrageous, childcare, gas, basic utilities are all just very expensive. Even those who are juggling multiple jobs are struggling to pay bills and provide for their families. People need to be making a starting rate of at least $ 20 an hour, in my opinion. If the minimum wage was to be increased, past $15 an hour, we may see a slight decrease in crimes. People are frustrated and angry, seeming to give up all hope, with no idea on where or who to turn to. Increasing the minimum wage can relieve a lot of stress for those who are trying to make it. Homeless rates may go down as well. Even with the many programs that are out here for help, many cannot receive funds, due to these programs running out of money. Its's quite sad and frustrating to see kids not being fed and left at home to fend for themselves, because their parents are out working multiple jobs, just to be able to barely pay rent and try to upkeep the home and put food on the table.

I make decent money as a Licensed Practical Nurse, but there are times when an extra expense comes up and I have to juggle some things around and may have to sacrifice a bill for that month. This is part of the reason why I have decided to go back to school to become a Registered Nurse. I am blessed to have a great support system with family and my job. Most do not have that, and it may hinder their decisions to return to school. Especially when there are children involved. Not all though. Some make a way whether they have the extra support or not.

Increasing the minimum wage above what the government as already increased it to, will make the United States more manageable to live and maintain. Employment rates may stay steady because if people are making enough money at their place of employment, then they will more than likely keep working and develop better work ethics. Being stressed can make a person feel angry and less than. This can lead to confrontations whether at the job site or even at a grocery store. They say money cannot provide happiness, but I have to disagree with that statement completely. I am more at peace when I am not stressing and wondering what bill I can put off just to be able to have gas in my car.

In different states, the cost of living can differ.

This may cause families or a person to have to relocate to another state and/or city. This can cause tension within families and cause other issues if not everyone is on board with having to move. Especially with children.

Sometimes working multiple jobs is just not enough to get by. Especially when if you have previous debts that you just can't seem to be rid of. For example, student loan debt. This is one of the biggest debts that for most seems to not be able to realistically pay off. They are really cracking down on people paying these off, which even if you make the minimum payment amount, you are just basically paying down the interest. There is a big debate about if student loan debt should be forgiven or not, and as a person who has student loans, I would not mind if mine were to be forgiven once I graduate. Even trying to make payments while in school can be impossible because most working class are living paycheck to paycheck and have no room to put money aside for a rainy day. We are just trying to live!

[cadmusfly]

You’re right, actually, I apologize. My ask was overly confrontational and petty. You’re not the cause of any of my issues with ai art, and directing my frustration towards you was unfair.

in regards to this ask about the AI Art Discourse

I’m genuinely pleasantly surprised and grateful to receive this, and I definitely accept your apology!

I am definitely aware that image synthesis and AI art is a confronting and controversial field, and I am sympathetic towards many of the fears even if I don’t agree with or understand some of them. And an annoying amount of AI artists are belligerent assholes and/or NFT shills, but just as I don’t speak for the entire field/medium, neither do they - and neither do the corporations who may seize upon this opportunity to cut costs.

If it is any consolation, there are a few reasons why AI art is not capable of completely replacing illustration and industry job with its current capabilities. AI art is limited to very small resolution sizes and basically gets easily confused working outside of 512x512 pixel windows, while I’m given to believe industry work requires much higher image sizes. Pure text-to-image finds it hard to specify composition and has a tendency to apply descriptions to every subject in the image. Large models like base Stable Diffusion, by virtue of being large and general, don’t actually replicate artist styles that faithfully - though that is circumvented via finetuning/creating smaller specialised models.

(These limitations are slowly being worked on, so these aren’t reasons to be complacent.)

I’d even guess that the current uproar about AI art by traditional artists may be causing corporations to hesitate to fully embrace AI art, as well as the uncertain status of whether AI art can be copyrighted. In this respect I think the discourse is serving a good purpose.

But I as an individual AI artist am not trying to undermine either the artistic industry or the very nature of art. Automation opens and closes doors as it comes for us all, though I’m personally very much in favour of something like Universal Basic Income to mitigate that.

But in the meantime, I don’t want to cede AI art and image synthesis to corporations.

I’ll use it to create what is meaningful (or fun) to me, and stake out my own small claim on a very tiny corner of it.

[softxsuki]

I have a question for you! Just a simple one really. What's something that you know you do differently than most people? I'm curious because what you answer would be. (Or another question if you don't want to do this one: What are you most grateful for?) - ⚜️

Hmm, interesting questions! I'll answer them both for you!

Something I know I do differently from most people: It's hard to tell what's going on in everyone's mind or their daily life, so idk if these things are actually things that most people don't do lol, but I'll still say them

If I have a plate of food, I eat the parts I like the least first, and save my favorite for last

As for my writing, I think this is pretty different, but I write out a basic draft using bulletpoints first, then I go through and fill in with more details or rearrange some things. I can't write out a full story and post it like that, there's always something I have to change

I daydream everywhere. I used to go to this park when I was younger and at the time I was super obsessed with One Direction (lol) and I'd have very vivid daydreams while swinging on a swing, of a tour bus stopping by the park and the 1D boys coming out and inviting me on tour with them NFJEKAFJN

Even now though, I still daydream at work. I was laughing to myself because I fully pictured this cute scenario with Bakugou and I full on started giggling to myself 💀

Something I do different on tumblr: I'm nice (I hope). I've seen so many blogs who only care about their mutuals. Like they only do certain events for their mutuals and only act friendly towards them and I never understood that. It always discouraged me from even sending them an ask, even though I was on anon, because I felt like I didn't belong. I want to give love to everyone whether they're my moot or not, so I hope everyone feels welcome to speak to me on my blog! Let me know if there's anything I can do to make you feel more comfortable talking to me :D

These are probably all generic I'm sorry. I can't really think of anything more specific FJKEABF

AS FOR WHAT IM THANKFUL FOR;

I'm thankful firstly to God for getting me this far in everything; He's the one that pushed me to start this blog and actually share my writing with people. He brought me the most comfort after my aunt passed away last year, He brought my job opportunity to me at the most perfect moment, and He's helped me out of my most darkest days so definitely very thankful for Him.

I'm of course thankful for my parents who helped raise me (though I am very different from them) but they supported me financially and to this day my dad still helps me out whenever I need it

I'm thankful for my friends, especially my friend Tay who brought me back to my faith. Her and I were destined to meet NFEOAF and I can't wait to meet her in person one day! But also my friend Melissa, who has been with me since 10th grade and stayed by my side when I unfriended my ex-bff who we were mutual friends with. She supports me so much, no questions asked and I know she's someone I can go to for anything and she'll drop everything to help me out

I'm thankful to have a job and a decent income

Thankful to have a car so I don't have to ride a train for 2 hours to get to work

and lastly, IM THANKFUL FOR ALL OF YOU; this past year has been incredible because of you guys (especially this past week). I love how understanding you all are even though I'm sure it's frustrating that I have over 100 requests, but I keep doing events and other things in between, but I'm thankful you're all still around. I've been extra happy this week though because more of you are reaching out to me through my asks just to talk or to ask me questions like this and it makes me feel like we're all really close friends (even though I do already consider you all my friends. OR EVEN FAMILY, this blog is our own little family)

There we go. Thank you again for the questions, I love stuff like this <3

[putschki1969]

Hi Puts, I have a question, but maybe it's too personal. As a fan, how much money do you spend? I think the three FC alone cost about $130 a year. Each shipment to Mexico costs between $20 and $50, including fees. Buying CDs, DVDs, streaming tickets, shop items, magazines (Idk if Hikaru and Keiko send something like Botanical Tsushin) I think is quite a bit of money. I graduated this year and recently started working, so I'm wondering how much money I need to pay for everything I want.

Hello there!

Don't worry, I have no filter so there is literally nothing too personal you could ever ask me. Also, I think it's important to be transparent about stuff like that.

Before I get to the juicy details I want to preface this post by saying that I am in a very privileged position so using my fangirl expenses as a general reference is probably not the best idea. There is free education and public health care in my country so I do not have any debts from either of those. On top of that I do have a job with a decent salary and my monthly fixed costs are comparatively low since I share the rent and stuff with my mum (yup, I am 30+ and choose to live with my mum, sue me). My company pays for public transportation, internet and a big portion of my meals. Last but not least, I have no car, no partner, no kids, no pets, no other social commitments or anything else that would burden me financially aside from my obsession with Kalafina so I am free to spend a considerable amount of my income on my "hobby" without having to worry too much about running into debt or not having enough savings.

Having said that, I will openly admit that I spend a SHIT-TON of money for my girls, much more than I am honestly comfortable with. Yes, I can more or less afford it but it still brings me a lot of pain and tears every single day.

Now let's get into the details 〈(•ˇ‿ˇ•)-→ [Like you I will be using USD for easy understanding]

I honestly cannot tell you a definitive number since my expenses always change depending on how many events and releases are scheduled for a particular time period. I guess I can provide a rough overview of what I am currently spending on Kalafina since there are quite a few things happening right now (nothing compared to last December though).

The four FCs I am part of with their combined costs of roughly $150 are what I consider to be “negligible costs” and they are really my least concern in the grand scheme of things.

The streaming tickets are very cheap in my opinion and I would gladly pay even more for them if it meant I wouldn't have to spend a fortune on regular trips to Japan. But yeah, it's another $150 to $200 a year for various streaming events.

Releases and merch are pricey in and of themselves (incl. around $5-$10 of domestic shipping) but it's made even worse when you are crazy like me and buy multiple copies of something just to get special benefits. Recently I have ordered Hikaru's merch (~$100), Keiko's merch (~$50), Wakana's merch (~$120) and three *coughs* copies of Wakana's Blu-ray (~$220). I also made sure to purchase Hikaru's albums on iTunes (~$20) even though I already own the CDs.

International shipping/import fees is where the costs pile up and I usually end up paying anywhere from $20 up to $150 for packages. Austria has literally the WORST import regulations T_T

I also indulge in the occasional Kalafina fashion item so that gets pretty expensive too. But that’s just me so there is really no need to take these costs into consideration.

So yeah, you can expect to spend a LOT of money depending on how greedy you are. :P Being an overseas Kalafina-fan sucks! However, I have two tips for you:

Prioritising is key! Find out what’s most important to you and then make peace with the fact that you will never be able to buy everything because that’s just not reasonable (unless you are filthy rich :P). I obviously focus on digital and physical music releases because that’s how you support their solo careers. I know it’s tempting to pirate this stuff but I urge all fans to make those purchases. The same applies to live stream tickets. If you have the means and the event is foreigner-friendly, please go for it! Aside from that, you will just have to choose your orders wisely. Ask yourself the questions: What kind of benefits do I prefer? What merch am I most likely to use? Any merch I am particularly fond of? Make sure you don’t end up overspending. While I keep encouraging fans to spend their money, you should always do it within reason. 

Cluster your orders! If you are using a proxy service like Tenso or Buyee, it’s best to have items arrive around the same time so you can consolidate your packages (within the 30-day period). After all, there is nothing more frustrating than paying $20 on shipping for a tiny fan club magazine that’s basically for free. So before you make a purchase, check the scheduled shipping time and try to make your orders align with each other. And also try to pay attention to the shipping dates of FC-related items, that’s not always easy since the schedules aren’t exactly regular but you can at least get a feel for them. If a FC item happens to arrive at the warehouse, you could always use that opportunity to order some in-stock goods or releases you have had your eye on. They should arrive quickly so you can ship them together with the FC-item. Please note that this will of course increase shipping costs/import fees since your packages will get bigger/heavier but I think at the end of the day, you are still saving money.

I know it’s often frustrating and intimidating to navigate through the world of Kalafina but I hope my posts can at least somehow help to alleviate the the stress that comes with being an overseas fan.

[kayrogers]

sugar baby ][ r. drysdale

50 shades / CEO au

Paring(s): ceo!ransom x curator!reader 

Inspo: the embarrassing amount of ransom smut I've read

Word Count: 2300+

Warning(s): cursing, implied smut, unequal power-dynamic, mention of kinks, and ransom being the hot douche he is

Part: part 1 | part ??

A/N: imma be real with y’all I saw knives out in theaters like three times and I am absolute ransom trash, I apologize

It was already a shitty day.

By the time you had reached Thrombey Selects, you were on the verge of frustrated tears and you hadn’t even gone into your interview yet.

Your day started normal enough, you prepared for your interview and organized your portfolio about ten different times before you could run out the door. Coffee was a better option than actual food for breakfast as the thing really filling your stomach was anxiety. You had only gotten your masters recently and it was a miracle that you were given an interview at Thrombey Selects, only having pulled together minimal art galleries — most of which were done as part of getting your degree in the first place.

Then there was the subway. It felt like it took forever to get to the Lower East Side, especially being sat between two men with no concept of personal space and a snot-nosed two year old giving you a stink eye across the aisle. And to make matters worse you got a coffee spilled on your dress right as you walked off the train. The woman who spilled it actually had the audacity to scream at your face, and say it was your fault, like she wasn’t nose-deep in her phone. Luckily, you had left your apartment super early and you stopped at the nearest department store you could find. A too-expensive little black dress later and you were on your way to Thrombey Selects. And then it down poured and by the time you walked into the building, every inch of you was drenched in water.

You took a deep breath, approaching the receptionist with rain droplets falling from your hair and onto the floor. She looked up at you with an unimpressed gaze, stating that you’d be meeting with a Mr. Drysdale ‘whenever he felt like showing up’. You weren’t exactly sure what that meant but you took it as a chance to dry off.

Stepping away towards an empty hallway you were quick to work, taking up residence next to a decorative plant and ringing your hair out into the pot. Taking off your cardigan was the most work, the grey material sticking to your skin like glue. You undoubtedly looked like a madman, wrestling to get the knit off and finally slicking it onto the floor to reveal the tight little number you bought.

“Quite the weather, huh?” A deep male voice said from behind you.

You jumped and nearly tripped over your heels as you turned around to find the source. That source being a very gorgeous man with piercing blue eyes. He had a confident smirk and carved features, it was almost like he was created by a sculptor in Rome.

“Oh- oh my gosh! Sorry, I um yeah... kinda got caught in the rain.” You blush with a sigh, still taking in the stranger’s appearance.

He dressed sharp, yet casual. Adorning himself in a black turtleneck and pants, accompanied by a brown trench coat and Chelsea boots. The accessory on him which drew the most attention though was a large, flowery scarf. You suddenly felt very aware of the less glamorous state of your dress and reached for the cardigan you so ungraciously plopped on the floor.

“You’re [Y/n], right? [Y/n] [Y/l/n]?” He shamelessly looked you up and down while saying that, only making you blush more.

“How do you know my-“

“Because I’m interviewing you. The name is Hugh Ransom Drysdale, but you can just call me Ransom. The help call me Hugh.” His lips curled into a wide smirk and he shook your hand as it changed into a white-toothed grin.

‘The help’ stuck in your head for a moment and nearly made you frown. Any man who talked like that came from money, lots of money. And he clearly wasn’t the type to be polite about it.

“Let’s head up to my office, Honey.” And with that the two of you were on your way.

You could help but feel his eyes on you with every step you took, each click of your heels hitting the floors like a deafening clock. He opens a door to reveal a sleek, modern office room complete with a portrait of Harlan Thrombey on the back wall. You would recognize that face anywhere after reading his novels repeatedly, his picture always located in the back. He was the reason you applied here in the first place, he was passionate and creative. Any man like him would be expected to have a taste for the arts.

Ransom took his seat behind the desk and you sat in front of him gripping your portfolio tightly while he pulled out a Manila file.

“It’s interesting that grandad picked you for the interview... from the looks of it, you’re extremely under qualified compared to the rest of the staff.” Ransom immediately listed off in a twisted tone, dismissive and intrigued all at once.

You pulled a tight-lipped smile, “and yet, here I am.”

He looked up from the file, blue eyes shooting into your own holding intent you could not read. The smirk appeared on his face once more.

“Tell me about yourself, [Y/n]. I want a better understanding.” You suddenly felt small in that moment, you knew what he was actually telling you.

‘Show me why I should give a fuck about you.’

“Uh- well I’m a hard worker. I come from a low income family so I’ve been working since I was 14, in my mom’s diner. I still serve to keep up with rent, but that’s at a classier place no offense to my mom. Art has um always been my passion though... I’m sorry, am I doing this right?” You bit your lip, staring across to see Ransom sporting a sneaky smile you didn’t understand.

“How bout I help you along? Are you prepared for a lot of physical work? How much do you exercise a week? I know you may think being one of our curators is easy work, but I like to run things differently here.” That confuses you.

You know how curation works, hell it’s why you got your degree but the only physical thing you ever did was hang paintings on a wall.

“Uh- I mean I workout when I can but I’m pretty busy. I serve so I get a lot of time on my feet. But, I’m sure I can handle whatever you throw at me!” You answered honestly and watched as he quirked an eyebrow.

“I’m sure you can Miss [Y/l/n]. So... any significant others?” Warmth filled your face at his question.

“No I am single- sorry I just don’t understand what this has to do with being a curator.” You finish with a smile to hide how unsure you were.

Ransom just grins back, “oh that is because I am opting you for a better position. Higher up, better pay grade, and more personal work with me. Here take a look,” He reaches into his desk and pulls out a black file, tossing it to you.

Opening the folder shows you a contract that makes your eyes nearly bulge out of your head.

‘Sugar Baby’ is in bold at the top.

Reading through, you become flustered seeing the requirements and perks. The pay is definitely better, but is it worth the submissive role he intends you to play? Calling him ‘Sir’? Your cheeks burn as you keep flicking through, seeing all his kinks and desires written in ink. The particular emphasis on bondage and the sub/dom dynamic made heat pool between your legs. You run your thighs together in instinct, missing how his eyes light up at the response.

“You don’t have to give me an answer right now. In fact, my cell is on there, take a few days to look it over and text me. If not, I can still offer you that basic paid internship of a position.” His eyes were intense when they met yours, hiding the gears which were in overdrive behind their deep blue.

He was manipulating you and he wasn’t even shy about it. You were ashamed to think that you didn’t mind it. This was insane! Completely unethical and gross, but you found yourself considering the position all the same. Especially given the rut you found yourself in for quite a while now in the sex department. Graduating and entering your career didn’t leave much time for any sexual encounters, excluding your dominant hand.

“Yeah- uhm I’ll definitely have to get back to you. Not that I’m not interested-“ Your voice betrayed you, coming out quiet and almost naive.

“- it’s a lot. Sleep on it, Babe.” He stood up and you took that as your signal to leave which you were thankful for.

“Thank you, Mr- sorry.. Ransom.” You stood as well, closing the folder and holding it tightly in your hands.

You move to grab your sopping cardigan but he scoops it up before you can.

“I’ll have our dry cleaners handle this, don’t need a potential employee getting pneumonia today. Take my jacket, I’m sure I’ll be getting it back soon.” He matter-of-factly states and hands you his trench coat.

You sling it on, feeling small in the garment made for the clearly muscular man. Even in your heels he towered over you.

“Thank you.” There’s a small smile on your face and you head towards the door.

He walks behind you, his hand finding the small of your back as he opens the office door for you.

“Can’t wait to hear from you, Miss [Y/l/n].” Ransom’s voice is low and his breath fans on the back of your neck as you exit and the door clicks behind you.

-

It was about 11 PM in your apartment as you sat on your bed thinking of perhaps the longest pro-con list you could with a glass of wine in hand.

You had been surfing on your laptop, gathering as much information as you could about Ransom Drysdale and the idea of being a ‘sugar baby’.

‘Pros: He’s gorgeous. We have a lot of the same kinks. It’s a lot more money than the internship. I’ll probably get some nice clothes out of this. I can stop waitressing. He’s really really hot. I have the opportunity to live my dream and work at my dream company, and get some good sex on the side.’ You thought, biting your lip and thinking too much about what he looked like without clothes on.

‘Cons: this is a very unprofessional proposition and definitely a little demeaning. He’s clearly a douche. The ‘help’ comment. I don’t know if he even is that good in bed. I don’t really know this man at all and now I’m basically signing a portion of my life to him. If he doesn’t think I’m good in bed, am I getting fucked over??’ You took a large gulp of wine, eyes focused on the computer screen in front of you.

Ransom’s crystalline eyes stared back at you through the screen, the picture from a Ralph Lauren photo shoot.

“Fuck, he’s a model too.” You muttered with a groan.

Of all the valid negatives that filled your mind, the heat pooling below your stomach at the thought of him taking control of you and your life felt much stronger. Were you a little messed up to even be considering this so heavily?? Fuck, probably.

But even so, the idea tantalized you in such a way that had you reaching for the folder to read through his demands once again.

You didn’t quite like the demands of you working out 4 times a week and completely overhauling your diet. Sure, you probably shouldn’t have been eating the amount of microwaveable and junk foods you usually did but that's none of his business! But perhaps these things could be amenable within the contract? You decided you wouldn’t take part unless they were.

But most importantly, you wouldn’t decide on anything without a good night’s sleep.

-

The next morning you stared at the contract as though it were the most important thing you could sign in your life. A weight settled on your shoulders and you avoided the piece of paper for the rest of the morning. Instead you decided to run through your daily routine, taking a shower and getting dressed for the day. You made yourself a cup of coffee and stared at your small apartment with a slight frown.

Reality rushed through you as you realized the position you were in before this opportunity presented itself. You have tremendous debt from school, even with the scholarships you had received. The shoebox you lived in was already barely affordable while you practically worked yourself to death at the upscale bar-restaurant you were currently employed with. The idea that you could leave all this and live lavishly on the payroll of one of the wealthiest families in New York, was one which had been growing on you enormously.

Impulsively, you grabbed your phone and typed his phone number into your messages.

‘Hello, Mr. Drysdale. Or I guess I should say, Ransom.

This is [Y/n] [Y/l/n]. I have thought over your offer and though I have a few concerns with certain aspects of the contract... I would be glad to talk them over with you and get to an agreement we are both comfortable with. I am indeed interested in this position.

When would you like to go over the details?’

You typed out the message, writing in the most professional manner you could (despite the content of the proposal). Pressing the send button sent a series of sparks through your skin and up your spine, butterflies filling your stomach.

Within minutes though, there was a response.

‘Saturday night. Be ready at 7 PM sharp. I will send a car for you. Can’t wait ;)’

----------------------------------------------------------

taglist(s):

sugar baby -

permanent -

@ultrunning​ @jesseswartzwelder​

[argyle-s]

Hello,

My name is Molly Bragg. I’m a bi trans gender author who has writing for almost three decades. I’m passionate about creating the kind of content I enjoy, which means stories that center around queer women, I’ve recently completed a original queer genre romance novel and I’m looking for help covering the cost of having it professionally edited.

To give you a preview of what you would be supporting, here’s Chapter 1:

***

Beth watched the buildings pass as the air cab carried her over Los Angeles taking in the changes the last ten years had wrought on the city.  Most of the low-income areas had been bulldozed, and those areas were now filled with alien arcologies.  Massive buildings that stretched kilometers into the sky, each one a city unto itself, and in their shadows, the skyscrapers that had once been incredible achievements of human architecture and engineering.  The buildings which had been hubs of human industry and centers of financial empires were now reduced to little more than playhouses for the backwards primitives who had the misfortune to be born natives of the Galactic Hegemony’s latest colony world. If they’d had another century or two things might have been different.  Humanity had been advancing quickly.  They wouldn’t have been on par with the technology of the Hegemony by any stretch, but they might have been able to dictate better terms.  The Gatekeepers hadn’t cared.  The gate had drifted into a stable orbit in the outer system, and the Gatekeepers had announced that, like it or not, the Sol system was being added to their vast network of space fold gates.  The first ships from the Hegemony had arrived just a month later, and ever since, Earth had been on the road to becoming the galactic equivalent of a banana republic. So far, her job and her savings had let her avoid the worst of what was happening, but unemployment was at a record high as alien automation systems replaced human labor in almost every sector.  The company she worked for had shifted gears from research and development to reverse engineering alien tech and had seen a short windfall in profits, but that was starting to vanish as the inevitable inflation drove prices up and the people they had been selling reverse engineered tech could no longer afford it. Beth wasn’t really that worried for herself.  She’d been poor before, and however much she might hate the idea she could survive being poor again.  What brought her to LA today was Sam.  Sam was getting close to graduation, and she had acceptance letters from every college that could afford postage.  A 4.0 unweighted GPA, high SAT scores, and a couple of impressive summer internships meant that schools were falling all over themselves to offer her full rides.  Ten years ago, that would have all but ensured her a bright future.  These days a PhD from Harvard, Yale, or MIT wasn’t worth the cost of paper to print the degree. People still made noise about human exceptionalism and about taking humanity’s place in the larger galactic community, but Beth had spent a lot of time over the last decade studying the history of colonization on Earth, and it never once ended well for the people being colonized.Regardless of what  happened to the colonized peoples as a whole, there were always individual exceptions...  people who avoided the fate of their brethren.  It was her determination to ensure her daughter’s future that brought her to LA today.   While billionaires had started buying their kids spots in alien schools the moment they were  allowed out of the Sol System, Beth didn’t have that option.  She was well off enough that she and Sam weren’t feeling the effects of the colonization yet, but nowhere near rich enough to buy a ticket off-world for Sam, much less pay for an off-world education.  Instead, she’d spent years looking into other options.  So far, none of her work had paid off, but she hadn’t given up hope.   She was headed to a meeting with a broker who helped place kids into programs that offered grants, scholarships and all expenses paid exchange programs.  She was going to find a way to offer her daughter a better future than most of Earth’s children could look forward to.  No matter what it took. *** “Ms. Murray, it’s so nice to meet you,” the man said as he held out his hand.  Beth took it and gave it a quick shake while trying her best not to let on that he reminded her of a used car salesman.  She needed his help, and it wouldn’t do to offend him. “Nice to meet you too, Mr. Cooper.” “Please, call me Owen,” he said.  “Right this way.” He led her out of the small, brightly decorated waiting room and into a small, neat office.  He gestured to a chair in front of his desk as he walked around behind it and took his seat. “So, I just want to make sure we’re on the same page here Ms. Murray.  You are looking for an opportunity for your daughter to continue her education off-world, is that correct?” “Yes,” Beth said. “Okay.  I just wanted to make sure that we’re both looking for the same outcome.  Now, I’ve gone through Samantha’s records.  Academically, she’s in great shape, and the extra-curriculars are good too.  I’ve been able to find at least twenty different programs that will accept her.” “That’s great,” Beth said, though she didn’t believe it.  She’d heard the exact same thing from more than a dozen other brokers, and she suspected she wasn’t going to hear anything new.  “What are the terms?” “It varies from program to program.  All of them require a period of indenture, but some are as low as eight years.” Beth tried to hide her disappointment.  She wanted to give her daughter a better future, not sell her into virtual slavery for almost a decade. “Owen, I’m looking for a program without any period of indenture.  I know they exist, but you’re the fifteenth broker I’ve talked to and none of them have offered even an application to an indenture free program.” “They do exist, but Ms. Murray, you must understand.  There are a lot of people who want their children to receive an off-world education, and slots which don’t require a period of indentured service are in especially high demand.” “I understand that, but I haven’t gotten high demand, I’ve gotten completely unavailable.  I’d like to know why no one will even consider letting her apply.” Owen looked at her for almost a minute, not saying anything, before he finally leaned back in his chair and let out a weary sigh. “Honestly, Ms. Murray?” “Please.” “Those slots go to the kids of billionaires, presidents, CEO’s, ambassadors, kings and other high level government types.  Each year, a handful will go to some poor kids from the ghetto so that they can parade them around as part of a puff piece about how generous the aliens are, but that’s just window dressing.  The truth is, your daughter is neither rich enough, nor poor enough to ever get one of those slots.” Beth had to bite her tongue to keep from swearing.  She wasn’t surprised at all, but she was angry and frustrated.  She’d half suspected something like that was going on, but hearing it spelled out so clearly was still enough to make her blood boil. “Isn’t there anything, any way that I can get her off-world without selling her into slavery?” “Ms. Murray, Indentured Service is hardly slavery.” “It’s close enough.” Owen stared at her for a moment, and then shook his head. “What?” “It’s nothing.” “It’s something,” she said.  “Please.” He sighed.  “It’s not something I would normally offer to someone of your background.” “What does that mean?” “It means that some aliens have cultural practices that people of Western European descent find unpalatable, while those from other cultures would find those practices perfectly normal.” “I’m not sure I follow.” “Ms. Murray, you are aware that, much to the surprise of every biologist on the planet, there are a number of species with whom humanity shares a degree of reproductive compatibility?” “I am,” she said. “Well, there is a species called the Sionnach.  They’re native to a planet called Talamh in the Grian system, and they bear a rather striking resemblance to humans.  There are differences of course, but the basic morphology is the same.  The reason I bring this up is that about eighty years ago, Talamh suffered an environmental catastrophe that wiped out nearly ninety-five percent of their population in the span of a few weeks.  Because of their reproductive practices prior to the incident, the Sionnach found themselves facing a sort of genetic bottleneck, and they decided that the best way to alleviate this was to seek an outside infusion of genetic material.” “They’re looking for breeding stock,” Beth said. “Yes.” “You can’t be serious.” “And this is why I don’t offer this option to white people,” Owen said.  “Ms. Murray, I’m not suggesting you sell your daughter off as some kind of brood mare.  The Sionnach take selection of their mates very, very seriously.  They gather applications from a number of candidates, and the Sionnach in question reviews them, and selects the ones they like.  Then, their family reviews their choices, and select a candidate.  The candidate is then brought to the house of their prospective spouse, and they spend a period of time together.  Roughly five hours.  During that time they talk, get to know each other, and decide if they want to proceed.  If both parties agree, they enter a five year engagement.  During those five years, the candidate is treated as a member of the house.  They are given a stipend, they’re educated, they’re housed, fed, provided with medical care, and they undergo medical procedures which allow them to survive on Talamh without special equipment.” “What sort of medical procedures?” “Talamh is a high gravity world with a higher-than-normal concentration of heavy metals in the environment.  Your daughter would need procedures to be able to stand up to the local gravity, and to be able to filter out metals she would not normally be able to purge from her system.  She would also undergo a type of gene therapy which would make her more resistant to radiation and give her the ability to see parts of the infrared spectrum and hear sounds normally outside of the range of human hearing.” “That sounds dangerous.” “The Sionnach are one of the founding species of the Hegemony.  Their technology is thousands of years more advanced than ours, and they’ve been doing these procedures since before humans built their first cities.” Beth shook her head.  “An arranged marriage…  I don’t know.” “If I’m honest, it’s a long shot.  You would have to take your daughter for a screening.  She’d have to pass the screening for any sort of genetic issues that would eliminate her, then she would have to be selected by one of the Sionnach.  If that happens, you and your family would have to travel to Talamh at the expense of the Sionnach house that selected her, and your daughter would have to get through the initial interview.  But if she does, she would get the education you want for her.” “And what happens at the end of the five years if she decides she doesn’t want to marry the person who selected her.” “Then she’s free to walk away.  She’d be given a small amount of money, and passage to anywhere within the Hegemony, but she’d be free to do what she wants.” “No indenture?  No repayment of expenses?” Beth asked. “No,” Owen said.  “But again, it’s a long shot, and I take my normal fee just to put you through the application process, whether she gets selected or not.” “How many humans get selected?” Beth asked. “She’d be the first,” Owen said. “What’s your fee?” Beth asked. “Five hundred Hegemony credits.” Beth winced.  Given current exchange rates, that was almost ten thousand dollars. “How quickly would we know?” Beth asked. Owen turned and woke up his computer.  She watched as he pulled up a page and scrolled through before clicking on a link. “There’s only one family looking right now. ��Applications are due by the end of next week.  You’d know in a month, tops.” Beth thought about it for a moment.  It was a longshot, and she wasn’t entirely sure it was a good idea, but it was better than an indenture, so she reached for her credit card. *** Sam looked up from her homework at the sound of a light knock on her bedroom door.  The door was wide open, and her mother was standing there looking at her.  Sam couldn’t quite place the expression on her face but given the appointment she had earlier, Sam didn’t have any doubt about what it meant. “No luck, huh?” she asked, trying not to let the relief she felt creep into her voice.  She knew an off-world education would open a lot of doors for her and give her opportunities that she wouldn’t have otherwise, and she really did want to go off-world, travel in space and see other planets someday, but the idea of living on another planet for four or more years was both frightening and overwhelming. “Not much,” her mom said.  “He did have one program you could apply for that doesn’t include an indenture period.  I emailed you the link to the application.  I need you to fill it out today, because I made an appointment for tomorrow for you to go for the physical and psych scan that’s required.” “Tomorrow?  Mom, tomorrow’s Jenny’s birthday party.” “I know, sweetie, and I’m sorry.  I know you were looking forward to the party, but you might have to miss it.  I’ve already got us portal tokens, and tomorrow is the only day we can go before the deadline without you missing school.  I made the appointment for as early as I could, so you should get home in time to go.” Sam wanted to argue, but she already knew it was useless.  She hadn’t missed a day of school since halfway through the eighth grade, and she knew her mom wasn’t going to let her start less than a month before graduation.  She also knew her mom wasn’t going to let her pass up a chance at an off-world scholarship just to go to a birthday party.  Even if the birthday girl was her best friend who she’d been crushing on since Kindergarten.  Of course, her mom didn’t exactly know that last part because she hadn’t told her she liked girls.  She’d considered telling her a few times, but she’d always changed her mind at the last minute, because if her mom knew she liked girls, she might decide that Jenny was a distraction that Sam didn’t need in her life and that wasn’t a battle she wanted to fight. “Fine,” she said, reaching for her laptop.  “I’ll do the application now.” “Thank you.  And Sam, I love you.” “I love you too, mom,” she said. Her mom left and Sam opened up the email link, which took her to a form that asked her for an invite code.  She checked the email and sure enough, there was a code for her.  She copied it and pasted it into the form, and when she did, it took her to the next page, and a lot of the information was prepopulated, including her latest ID card photo, name and age, along with her school transcripts and medical records.  The stuff that was left for her to fill out read more like a dating profile than a college application. The first section was hobbies and interests and activities.  She thought about it for a minute and decided to just be honest instead of going through all the BS she usually did for the college apps.  She put down soccer, swimming, surfing, electronics, robotics, reading, martial arts, camping and motocross.  She attached pictures of herself in her soccer uniform, along with a couple of video clips from some of the team’s games, then she added a few videos of her swim meets, and a couple of pictures and some videos of her surfing.  She pulled up her YouTube folder and attached a few build videos for some of her robotics projects, along with the parts lists, schematics, models for the 3D printed parts, and the source code for the micro-controllers she’d written.  She added a picture of her holding two trophies from a local Karate tournament where she’d placed second in sparring, and third in bo staff, and added a few videos of her matches.  She also added a few pictures from her camping trips and a picture of her sitting on a dirt bike, along with a video Jenny had taken of her running one of the beginner courses, then pulled up her ebook library and dumped the list of all her books, listed her favorite movies and attached all her playlists from her music library. The next section was a little weird.  It asked about what sort of foods she liked, so she gave a list.  Then is asked whether she enjoyed various activities.  Most of them were fairly common things.  Theater, music, art.  A couple she had to check the cultural database link.  She was surprised and excited when she found out that whoever was sponsoring this program apparently considered dragon racing important enough to put on the questionnaire. All in all, she spent about two hours filling out the application, and once she was done, she hit submit, and then pulled out her cell phone and opened up her text messages with Jenny. Sam:  ‘Bad news.  I might miss your party.’ Jenny:  ‘What?!!!’ Sam:  ‘Mom’s dragging me to New York in the morning for a physical and a psych scan for a scholarship.’ Jenny:  ‘She’s still on that off-world college kick?’ Sam:  ‘Yeah.’ Jenny:  ‘Girl, you don’t want to go to college with ET’s’ Sam:  ‘I’ve got to get accepted before I have to worry about it.’ Jenny:  ‘Come by my place when you’re done.  Even if you miss the party, I want to see you.’ Sam:  ‘Will do.  See you tomorrow.’ Jenny;  ‘Night.’ Sam sat down her phone and looked at her homework.  She’d wanted to finish before dinner, but there was no way that was happening now.  She grabbed it anyway and went back to work, trying to get as much done as possible before her mom called her downstairs. 

***

End Chapter 1

***

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[luci-cunt]

yknow, living somewhere with a very high tourist visitation rate (especially in the summer) has really made me hate the airbnb business.

i get why it became such a big thing, it's extremely lucrative--and like, basically landlording but on crack, but at least with landlording you're renting out a place someone can live at long term.

i'm not really crediting the massive mess of homelessness near me to the airbnb business specifically--but I am noticing that nearly every building around me has been snatched up so it can get rented out to tourists wanting to visit for two weeks out of the year while all the people I know--people who live here and have lived here their whole lives--have to post up on other friends couches or sleep in tents or get into the very, very small amount of low income housing opportunities.

it's just super frustrating, because half the housing here has already been bought up and bulldozed to create empty lots so rich people can have their sprawling vacation homes, while the other half seems to have been bought up and beautified so it can be rented out as an airbnb, there is no where to live as a local and it's fucking upsetting. We're the ones making your stupid food and manning the touristy attractions you came to see. We're the ones stocking every shelf and doing all of your gardening for a house you're only going to see one weekend in June.

and then covid hit and all the ppl with vacation homes came to visit bc why spend covid in the city when you can spend it in this gorgeous place right? It's not like it's a global pandemic and your flippant disregard of basic fucking decency (wearing a mask correctly) is effecting the hundreds of people who actually fucking live here.

not all tourists are bad people--obviously--but just, fuck man, I'm tired.

[positivlyfocused]

How I Easily Created An Awesome Job-Free Life

This is part three of a three part series on how I created a life where I no longer have to work a job. It began when my wife gave me an ultimatum. What came after that was a wonderful unfolding culminating in where I am today: no longer working a job, money coming in easily with little effort on my part and a life filled with joyful moments of clarity, peace, and joy.

In this post I’m going to describe what happened after starting work at the bridging job I created. I described how I created that job in part two.

A job let me live job-free

I went to work for this company. It was a wonderful time where I explored working for a very large successful Corporation again after working at Intel many years ago. This job was much more manual labor focused. I delivered packages around town in a truck.

I enjoyed this work. And I enjoyed working with people who typically take these kinds of jobs. I worked mostly in white-collar executive positions, wearing snazzy clothes in large offices. This opportunity opened my eyes to a different type of people. I had not had the opportunity to work alongside laborers, people who traded their labor for income. What I learned surprised me.

^^A picture of me at the wheel of my delivery vehicle while on my “bridging job.”

I wrote about many of these eye-opening experiences in this blog. Most fascinating is, when I look back on that job remembering how much fun I had, I also see how that job filled its purpose exactly as I designed it: as the bridging job that would take me from earning a living through a job, to having money flow easily into my life experience without working for it.

While working there, I changed old beliefs that had me tied to wanting jobs. Beliefs such as “a job says a lot about your self worth”, and, “working for a big company carries a lot of status”, and “making money says a lot about who you are”. Using the Positively Focused approach I soothed these old beliefs so the reality I wanted as my life became the life I have: one where none of these beliefs exist and I live job-free.

Happiness creates opportunity

So it was no surprise to me that shortly after the start of 2020, rumblings among the permanent staff indicated there might likely be layoffs coming. Our jobs were seasonal, but the permanent staff suggested here and there that our jobs might become permanent.

The rumors caused tremendous upset among my fellow drivers. For many, this job was all they had. Others hoped this delivery jobs were ground-floor opportunities to better, permanent jobs.

I was eager for whatever was going to happen. I knew what was going to happen would serve me best. I was not at the whim of this company: I was creating my reality. Not them.

So during my time delivering packages, I reveled in the experience. I immersed myself in the process. I figured out ways to improve and make more efficient the process. I gave that information to my manager who forwarded it to her manager. The management team was excited about what I had written. They gave me kudos for doing so.

I found myself really enjoying this work. I enjoyed the physicality of it. I enjoyed being out on my own. I enjoyed exploring parts of the city I hadn’t explored before. All in all, I enjoyed this job. I did not see it as a job, because it wasn’t a job for me. Instead it was a “bridging opportunity“ toward the reality I was creating.

Finally, just after the new year, rumors intensified that layoffs were coming. Instead of coming in the following week, I decided to take all the sick leave I accumulated. While on leave, I turned my attention toward my desires: to move through the rest of 2020 with money flowing into my life without me working a job.

The week I took off, the company terminated all seasonal driver positions. Everyone arrived at their shift and got their termination letter. My fellow drivers wrote me text messages upset about how they felt the company treated them.

They were really frustrated and annoyed and feeling disrespected that they showed up for work only to be dismissed.

Not me.

I was at home luxuriating in my bed, reveling in the future that was flowing into my life.

^^Me again in the delivery driver vehicle compound.

Then it happened

Several days later, I received a letter notifying me that I have been laid off. But that was no concern because I was enjoying my life.

That’s because, just before receiving the letter that I was laid off, A person who follows my passion project called Copiosis wrote me a message on WhatsApp. He said he wanted me to be able to put more time on that project, and was sending me cryptocurrency in an amount sufficient to pay for my living expenses for the rest of the year.

I was not expecting this specifically. The message floored me. I knew something like this would happen. I just didn’t know what the details of the happening would looked like.

You can imagine my delight upon receiving that message. But what really excited me was how much Bitcoin he gave me. True to this person’s word, the money in cryptocurrency he sent me paid my rent and living expenses for the rest of the year.

In other words, the universe coordinated the cooperative components – leaving my wife, creating a job, an apartment (which I may write about), and this easy transition to a jobless life – consistent with my desires: living without a job, and, having money come in without me having to do anything for it.

What’s interesting is, the same person gave me another cryptocurrency gift at the end of 2020. That particular gift came just as Bitcoin took off on a months-long rally. Every month thereafter, the rally increased the value of the amount he gave me by 1/3. That was enough to generate enough cash to last me throughout 2021.

Meanwhile, more Positively Focused clients came, eager to learn how to create their reality. Today my basic living expenses are covered by the cryptocurrency gift combined with the amount of money my clients gift me in return for the transformed lives they get.

Wait a minute…

You may ask: aren’t you working when you serve these clients or when you do things for Copiosis? My answer: not at all.

Because when I’m giving time to my clients, I’m Positively Focused. Being Positively Focused, especially being Positively Focused with another person, doesn’t feel at all like “working”. It’s play, it’s joyful and it’s fun.

It is filled with laughter, with epiphanies, insights and realizations, all of which lead to more and better, not only for my clients, but for me too.

Copiosis is a fun, joyful adventure. It’s not a job. I see it as a playground where I get to practice what I preach in Positively Focused.

So by serving my clients I am creating a more and better life for myself. That’s not working. That’s enjoying the reality I am creating, realities I am co-creating alongside my clients. Copiosis is like that too.

Today, as I sit in bed dictating this blog post, all my expenses, including enough for entertainment and pleasure expenses, are covered without me having to do anything that looks and feels like a “job”. I created exactly the reality that I had intended as I was leaving my wife.

I should add, that anyone can have this life. Anyone can create any reality they want. This is what I show my clients how to do. This is how life is meant to be.

We all came into the world not to mimic what other people are doing. We’re here to make real worlds of our own design matching our wildest desires.

Nothing else feels as satisfying as that. The more I live my life consistent with my wildest desires, the better I feel and the better life gets.

There’s more to come. And I’m eager for all of it.

[dzaneena]

2020 Recap, Onwards 2021!

New year always makes us think of how our previous year has been. It’s been a heck of a ride and I think it would be sort of a good way to remind ourselves of the hardships, lessons learned, and growth there’s been in the past year. Here’s how mine turned out. January

Oh, new year, new hope. I thought this would be the year I could make it mine. Get the things I’ve always wanted and spoil myself with every little thing I could not have when I was younger. Job is going well, financially stable and able, everything was fine. This month, I’ve purchased my first Macbook. Yes, apparently I’ve been sucked up into the apple ecosystem and now I want to experience all of it if I can. I did and I’m happy about this. It’s been a dream for someone who always had to save each meal into two so I could have it for my next meal just so I can save money.

February

Oh, the month of love! Yes, yes. I had the chance to travel to Thailand, being the temporary adopted child of a friend’s family. I was thrilled to be there and experience this one-of-a-kind experience. At this time, the virus was not that rampant with everything and there were no restrictions for travel. We thought everything was fine and would be fine. 

March

A week after arriving from our trip to Thailand, I got a text from one of my closest friends asking if I would like to spend a weekend in Vietnam with her. Well, of course I did! At this time, finances were a-ok! I could afford it. Plus, the food there was really good at a low price! We didn’t spend much on this trip. We just hung out and took photos here and there.  We arrived one day before the city announced General Community Quarantine. We were lucky to arrive at that exact day or we would have been stranded in another country for God knows how long. :( Work was feeling the effects of the pandemic already. 50% of our workmates were laid off. This was a sad, sad time. I couldn’t help but think of all our workmates who had to think of how to survive without work through this pandemic under the quarantine with little to no mobility. 

April

Work has been... work. Everyone had to cut their hours and get back to basic pay. I am thankful to still have work but this took a big hit with my finances, of course. I live alone. Recently paying off the house I’ve invested in from last year. 

This was also the month my friends practically forced me to play mobile games. Thank goodness they did! This was where all my rage/frustration was spent. 

May

Remember that house I invested in? Yeah, that went down the drain, literally lol. I’ve been having problems with leaks and puddles of water coming through the walls of the house which caused a chain of serious issues, health-wise and safety-wise. This was a hazardous house to live in. I guess it’s true what they say about things being “too good to be true”. I’ve tried to settle this with the landlord but I didn’t get not one penny back, not even my deposit. I’ve been paying this for over a year. Much, much regrets. There’s a whole lot that happened during this time. I had to move out and decided to just cut further losses and be done with it. I couldn’t sleep at night for no idea how many weeks/months because of all that money I’ve invested that just vanished. I still feel a weird kind of sadness every time it rains. It always flooded in that house whenever it rained. So you can see how much I relate to that movie “Parasite”. 

June

Lucky I have a house to still come home to. This was the previous house I lived in before purchasing that God-forsaken flooded house. I was adjusting and trying to make the best of what I could for the time being. I had a small renovation project as well. 

July

Renovation project going well and it was my joy to see how clients were happy about it. This was also the first time I was seeing my mother since January and it was only for a few hours because she had to go back to our hometown within 24 hours or else she would have to be quarantined. Traveling was such a pain during this time. We can’t even go visit our hometown to see our family.

On the bright side, I got to try out a lot of food (all home-cooked, of course). And I got to learn to cook some Korean food as well. I was well into the k-drama world for this whole time.

August

Kittens were growing up well. My cat gave birth in May but a lot of things happened then. I had 3 cats pregnant almost at the same time. Needless to say, we had to castrate our lover boy cat, Brutus. Though he had one last go before we did this and got another round of our cats getting pregnant. I can’t even. 🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄

Had the opportunity to do a product photoshoot for a local ice cream business. It was an amazing experience and it’s cool to think that people actually believe in my photography skills if I had any. LOL. 

September

My birth month. I found out that I wasn’t even worth one minute of people’s time to text me. LOL. Well, life goes on. (Insert BTS’ Life Goes On)

On the positive side, my boyfriend’s family decided to do a Korean dinner (Samgyeupsal, Kimchi Jjiggae, Tteokbokki) for my birthday. It was really sweet of them. 😭🥰 I couldn’t spend my birthday with any of my family but they spent it with me. I’m tearing up just writing this down hehehe thankful for this second family.

October

One of my closest friends was getting married. I kid you not, we were waiting for this day to happen ever since college. We travelled to the city where he was getting married with the Friendship Pause crew. (That’s a whole other story LOL) It was nice getting a nice moment down from all the crap we’ve been facing. 

I was also able to get back to my hometown for my mother’s birthday. Despite all the travel restrictions, we managed to push through. My eldest brother and I are the only ones not living in our hometown. 

November

Ahh, yes. The year is almost over but it still feels like we’re stuck in March. During the span of the year lately, I’ve been actively looking for a second job for extra income. And thankfully, because I’m such a “never give up, never surrender” kind of person, I’ve landed a few jobs project-based for this year. I’ve been a graphic designer, personal assistant, transcriptionist, food photographer, social media manager assistant, etc.  I’ve also landed my latest job from a start-up company. It’s amazing how some people can see your grit and potential. I pray we all get to do what we want to do in life so it won’t be such a chore to do. My first (online) job is the very first job that I actually enjoy and everyday, I am really excited to get work done. Hoping that this company recovers from the economic hit of the pandemic fast. 

December

Ahh, the last month for this challenging year. What could be in store for us? I think this pandemic has hit us physically, emotionally, mentally, psychologically, and financially. It also makes you realize things. I realized that I’m no one’s go-to friend. I’m just that extra friend right there when you need me to be. Not a particular someone you call when something’s up. That’s okay, I guess. We can’t be everybody to...well, everybody! Haha! 

I’ve been into tech lately and with all the gaming I was doing, I created a gaming page somewhere along in those past months. Streaming games was one of my stress relievers. Hopefully, if I can have a stable source of income, I’ll be able to do this full-time seeing that traveling is still out of the picture.  All in all, this was such a shitty year. There are a lot of in-betweens that happened this year and I had to just highlight some things but basically, it’s just been so hard. I know I’m probably not the only one struggling and trying to survive on a daily basis. I am thankful that I have a job (3 actually, 4 if you count our online business on hiatus) and I am still able to put food into my stomach. But sometimes, we just need a good cry and some ice cream maybe.

If you’ve read this far, thank you! Thank you for actually caring to read my thoughts and random stuff I have in mind. We may not see each other but please know that I really appreciate your effort. 

On a lighter note, I hope everyone will be happier this coming 2021. Stay safe!

[fox-fic-and-ink]

73, Osiris/Saint, sfw. If you’re still taking these?

73 Osiris/Saint "I missed you." I went shippy but sfw. I actually didn't get to play these last few seasons so I have no idea what conversations may or may not have happened so I'm gonna spring off [canon lore] again for this one and I apologize if I rehash or contradict anything actually said in game.

[Saint-14 watches vessels dip in and out of the hangar. The cadence of docking and disembarking ships finds rhythm in the busy city. It is routine. Practiced. Peaceful.

A visitor steps aboard the Gray Pigeon.

Geppetto turns to welcome them. "Greetings, Brother Osiris. You are a welcome sight. Is Sagira with you?"

"Hello Geppetto. Sagira visits Ikora." Osiris sits on the gangway of the Gray Pigeon. He runs a ribbon through his fingers. "Hello Saint."

"Osiris? I wondered if this meeting would be with one of your projections."

"I would not…"

---

"Quite the shrine they've made for you. Are you dying?"

Saint-14 laughs.

"It is good to see you again, Brother."]

   A strange silence falls over them. Quiet yet anything but peaceful.

   "'Brother'," Saint repeats, trying it out and finding the word doesn't have the same feel as it once did.

   Osiris must hear it too. He resettles on the gangway, fusses with the tails of his robe.

   "I'm told you broke time for me."

   "I did not break it," Osiris objects in a terribly familiar sort of way. But the Warlock glances elsewhere- which does not give credence to his claim- as Saint takes a seat on the stair with him. They fit, just barely, shoulder to shoulder. "I merely repaired time. And, perhaps...tweaked it."

   Saint-14 hums. Out of the corner of his eye, he catches Gepetto floating off.

   "I'm flattered you found me worthy of remembrance." Saint smiles- the face of barbecues and festivals and many late night conversations. "And of...tweaking."

   Osiris grunts and nods. It is good Sagira is not with him. Her frustration would be burning along the back of her Guardian's neck. "I had the opportunity. Why would I leave you to die when you might...not when you could still be of use here."

   "Is that why?" Saint's good humor tugs annoyingly at Osiris' chest. "You only wanted someone to watch over the Last Safe City while you continue to flit about?"

   Osiris furrows his brow. The meeting is both easier and more difficult than he imagined. "I did, in some capacity, feel responsible for what happened to you."

   "Ahhh. Guilt! Strong against mortal and immortal alike!" Saint pats Osiris' knee with an enthusiasm that might have crippled the Warlock if he hadn't been braced for it. "But only useful if it pushes us to do better, no?"

   Osiris contemplates but hides behind a joke. "Was it your head or overwhelming optimism that defeated entire armies on Mercury?"

   Saint's booming laugh fills the hanger. "Either way, I had a little help."

   "I missed you." Osiris spits the words before they choke him and almost hopes the confession might be swept away in the Titan's voice.

   But Saint's shifting brows raise his entire face in a bob of surprise. "Is that so?"

   The Warlock is too old for nonsense like blushing and stammering but he does manage to forget his tongue long enough that Sagira's screams of frustration would have rattled his skull if she were privy to the conversation.

   "Of course I missed you!" It isn't his intent to sound angry but he feels...threatened by the gentle glow of Saint's eyes and the strong curve of his neck. "I'm not so far removed from basic human...from-"

   This time Osiris does stutter as Saint leans closer and eases the Warlock's helm back by slowly thumbing up the golden beak. Osiris blinks even though the hanger is dim and he very nearly flees when metal fingers tug the cloth from the lower half of his face to expose his dumbly hanging mouth.

   "Forgive my selfish interruption," Saint rumbles, pressed tight against the Warlock's side, "but that is all I wanted to hear."

   When Saint ducks beneath the Warlock's upturned helm to deliver a single kiss, human lips find new purpose.

   "I missed you too, my favorite bird."

*Btw, I am without income due to the pandemic. Tips for prompts are obviously not mandatory but greatly appreciated! https://ko-fi.com/foxficandink

[starberry-cupcake]

I talked before about a person who’s in a position of power where I live, in the sector I work in, who has used my work for free before a bunch of times and used me for things. I received a request from another person, someone I trust, who is the owner of the place I teach my workshops in, and who has given me the opportunity to prepare a distance-form course of my workshop to teach in these times. She asked me, sort of on the side, if I could provide some recommendations of stories, poems and things that could be read aloud to kids during quarantine, and I said yes, of course. I put together a guide of material and separated between online sources that can be used for free (legal sources, because copyright) and stuff from my personal collection I could share if needed. I did it for her, because she asked me, and to help in the pandemic situation. 

Mind you, I am in no position to do things for free, because my income is entirely dependent on my workshops, and now I cannot physically do them. In order to give my online course, I have to teach myself how to edit audio and video, something I have very basic knowledge of, because I can’t use any live classroom aps for several reasons, so I have to teach myself skills on my own time while producing content I won’t be paid for until AFTER I do it, and I don’t have any skills I can monetize on the side like people here do, because pretty much drawing is the only thing you can monetize here without incurring in copyright infringement. 

Anyway, I live day to day because I have a family that helps me, so I don’t complain and don’t mind putting my things aside to help around the house and do things others don’t do, because I’m not providing the money. I also don’t have the money to upgrade my computer or my hardware to make it easier for me to edit audio and video, so I have to ask for my sister’s help when my computer can’t handle it. For example, the fact that my computer is 9 years old and I don’t have my own microphone or headset means I have to borrow one that causes static and echo and I have to learn Audacity tricks to fix that, all of which takes up time nobody will pay me for. 

During all this, I took time and curated the recs list, with links and all. As I said, I wasn’t expecting money or credit, I did it because this person asked me and it was to help people. I can’t donate money but I can donate my humble skills. 

This person, bless their heart, wanted me to get paid for it. She said she wanted to request for my work to be paid for and for me to receive credit for it. But I knew that it wouldn’t happen because the other person, the one who has repeatedly used me and treated me badly and all that, is the boss of that section. They wanted me, earlier this year, to incur on tax expenses to take a job from them that wouldn’t pay me enough for the work they were asking nor was it going to cover the tax expenses I had to pay from my pocket. I rejected the job, they are not going to pay me for something another person requested from me. In the last years I’ve learned that this person enjoys being in a position of power to bring me down, for personal reasons they seem to have against me and/or this other person who is trying to help me. 

So, as I thought, this person denied paying me but took my work anyway. The other person said she’d insist for credit towards me to be put somewhere, but at this point I don’t care. I wish she hadn’t gone with it to this person but I understand that everything has to pass through them. 

I guess I’m just tired of my work being constantly undermined. It’s not even about the money, it’s about how much I always do for free. And not even that only, it’s also that the projects I’m trying to build online like the page for my workshops don’t get as much pull lately as other things I’ve done that don’t really provide me much, which isn’t frustrating because of the numbers, it’s frustrating to me because instagram is NOT the place for that project because it limits so much what I want to do, but there is literally no other place online I can use for it instead. 

I don’t want to complain because at least I have a family and a home, but hugs and good vibes to all my freelancing peeps who like me are going through it right now with underpaid or non-paid jobs and who’re still giving their all. 

[villlaneve]

Life Update (I need help)

Hey, everyone. I’m sorry I haven’t really been active on here for quite a while. I want to explain myself. Just making this post has taken me lots of time and courage to get myself to do it but here I am.I feel hesitant to share this, as I don’t want this to seem like a pity party and feel like I should have higher standards for myself and should be able to do this on my own. My therapist and others have told me to be kinder to myself and cut me some slack once in a while so here I am.

I felt guilty reblogging posts on Tumblr after not having the energy to do so in a while and I wasn’t caught up with the shows so I punished myself by saying I shouldn’t be able to reblog anything. I will try to stop this way of thinking and am happy to go back to my usual reblogging after this!

What’s the problem?

I’ve been suicidal and struggling with depression since I was 16. I am 23 now and feel like I haven’t really accomplished all that much even though my therapist tells me that fighting for mental health and the way I am doing it is progress as well. I can’t really work up any energy to get up out of bed everyday and when I do I feel empty and can’t get myself to do things I enjoy. I can’t remember the last time I was able to read a book. My attention span and concentration is basically non existent so I cannot even watch the few things I can’t get excited about. TV shows such as Killing Eve, Supergirl and other female centric shows are the few things I DO get excited over and can find the energy to enjoy. I follow the posts on tumblr about Supergirl but the last time I watched an episode was about 6 months ago so sometimes not even that excitement makes me able to focus and watch what I love. Focusing on anything feels nearly impossible.

You can imagine that applying this to every day situations it gets even worse. I’ve lost my job around October and have so much anxiety and fear about applying somewhere else. Trying to get into new hobbies that could motivate me to do anything like photography or making videos on youtube is impossible without the money and right equipment. I grew up and still live in a household where if something I do isn’t perfect then it’s bad and doesn’t matter at all. I apply it to every action I take and am trying to actively unlearn it but so far it isn’t working. When a task or opportunity appears all I think about is the possibility of failing and not being good enough so I end up scared and freezing up. I do nothing. I can’t apply for a job or a university/apprenticeship because of that fear and have been stuck in the past few years of my life.

Why don’t you get a job/degree?

I want to address my university education. University in Germany is quite different than in the US. You choose a major once you start university and that’s what you’re stuck with. I got scared after already taking a gap year right after high school and started studying something that ultimately I realized was not right for me. I convinced myself that I should just finish it and work hard and that it could be right for me. otherwise I would be a failure once again. I froze up and stayed in this path. Except eventually I stopped going to classes all together and became more and more depressed and desperate as I did not know what to do next. I don’t know who to ask for help and am scared to do it to begin with.

I finally worked up the courage to apply to a different major earlier this year. That opportunity fell through/I did not get the spot and now I am back to not knowing what to do. Starting another path and applying for spots even if I decide what to do is going to lead me to more freezing up and thus more complications. On top of all this there is another factor that’s weighing on me.

I am in a long distance relationship and have been since I was 18. This relationship gives me a lot of strength to go on and try fighting but at the same time it is another pressure and weight on top of everything. As my girlfriend lives in the US and her plan is for me to move there, originally I was supposed to be finished with my degree at this point. 

Now I am still basically at 0 and cannot move to the US in the foreseeable future. I’ll have to finish a degree here for 3-4 years, find a way to see if my career path is even transferrable to the US. Speech therapy is an apprenticeship here; a german system that includes school and work experience at the same time and lets you start a career after finishing it; its an alternative to a university degree in a way. I feel like the pressure of tests, writing papers and failing at a university is too much for me too handle with my mental health anyway and the only universities that offer speech therapy as a university  degree are private and cost money that I cannot afford!

We try to make things work and see eachother as often as possible but financially making a transatlantic flight work and having to pay for food, transportations etc everytime I am visiting her 1-2 times a year is getting way too much for me to pay for. Especially now that I do not have a job. Only having to do this for another year or two would have been fine but now it will be another few years before we can even think about me going there. Safe to say this is a hard situation and is putting a big strain on our relationship, financially and emotionally on both sides. Having to spend so many more years apart and not knowing how to afford to see eachother. My mental health is blocking me from finding a job to start alleviating the financial side of this at least and I am frozen in panic and fear.

Why don’t you get help? You can go to a hospital or clinic to treat this

I would like to add that on top of all this most of the friends I did have here are on a semester abroad or have moved out of the country all together. Despite that I am glad to have my family and the 1-2 people I see about once a month to give me comfort. It gives me a bit of levity and strength and I tried checking myself into a clinic to face my fears and mental health problems head on. However, they completely isolated me from any cellphone usage there and going outside at any time. Visitors were only allowed on weekends. I had no way of communicating with anyone aside over a landline and only in very limited time slots (that landline was broken for several days when I got there mind you). I had to scramble to somehow find a way to talk to my partner with her buying a skype international landline and even then most of our calls were spent with us trying to find a way of when we could talk the next time and being frustrated when things would not work on some days because of commitments. If there was a change of plans there was no way for me to call her and let her know something was up. Only she could call and it was anxiety inducing for both of us having no way to reach out to eachother. The people there all had their own issues and as a person who already worries about triggering other people being around very emotionally vulenrable people only and upsetting them (they told me all the things I had done wrong during a group therapy session) launched me into the worst panic attack of my life. No one checked up on me after in the clinic and I no longer felt it was the right or safe place for me and had to leave. Moreover, having a 1 days notice on when I’d get into the clinic  They gave me no time to prepare for these new and extreme conditions (they called me and said I have to decide on the spot if I wanted to come in tomorrow, otherwise I couldnt come into the clinic until March next year).

I am thankful to be back in the little safety net of therapy, being in the city I love with cafes and parks that can somewhat relax me and calm me down and my cousin and aunts to support me. Unfortunately, my parents put me under pressure to “contribute” more in the household. I never know what “enough” is. Everday I get home and do chores I live in fear that it is not enough and will result in them yelling at me again claiming arbitrarily that what I did was not enough in their opinion. Things are tense to say the least. They want me to start something and get better with my mental health but never really offer to help me themselves and I feel lost and alone. Because of this treatment I always feel that nothing I do is good enough and I can’t/shouldn’t even try in the first place. I am never sure if the standards they set for me are too high or if I am just being whiny and weak or not good enough objectively?

What part of this is my mental health? am I just being lazy? are they right? 

Here is the part I feel especially guilty about: Asking for help.

I wanted to accurately explain why and how I am struggling. I hope at least some of you can empathize and understand why this seemingly easy situation is so hard for me because of my family history and mental health.

Money doesn’t buy happiness but it does help alleviate certain financial problems. Being currently unable to get myself to get stable income I feel even more stuck and am struck with panic about how to visit my girlfriend at all.

What will you do when you have money? How will you spend it?

I am commited to fixing my mental health and will do weekly updates on what progress I’ve made. Therapy, looking into speech therapy paths, finding deals and dates for the cheapest possible flights to the US, hobbies like photography or making videos. Having people looking and validating the process makes me feel like I can do this and gives me a project to focus on. I just hope for your kindness to spare any money you have to contribute to bettering my current situation. If you want me to write anything for you, I am happy to just tell me which pairing and the general plot idea and if you want any specific things included. I’ll sincerely do my best.

Moreover, the money would truly be spent on what I need to get better and stabilize i.e. medication, plane tickets to see my girlfriend, equipment for filming/photography, semester fees and occasional mental health treats like going out to a warm cozy cafe to relax and not be faced with the constant stress and pressure at home (max. 15€ a week). I am happy to document these spendings for you. 

As soon as my life has stablized enough and therapy or others around me have helped me to get back on my feet, get a stable income, etc you don’t need to feel an obligation to donate and I can take my posts down if necessary.

My PayPal is https://www.paypal.me/ninin96 and I am truly grateful for anything you are willing to give me or comission me. 

Thank you for your time.

[tricktster]

this is a weird fish rant incoming

i wrote that post about my newest aquarium with darkmantle the betta fish about 18 times because on the first 17 passes i kept trying to find ways to reassure whoever found it through the tags that the tank was big enough and cycled and my parameters were great...

because, like, in my experience aquatics as a hobby at large (but particularly on tumblr thanks to anon asks) has the potential to be incredibly judgmental! Which... like, honestly i get!

A lot of us love tech and we love learning new techniques and how to care for species with really specific needs, but when it comes down to it... there are really just a few things you have to do to keep everyone in your average freshwater tank thriving, and i’m gonna hazard a guess and say 60-70 percent of people don’t do any of them, at least not at first!

like, fucking it up is almost baked into the hobby. we still give out goldfish at carnivals, we still see products claiming that you don’t need to change water ever if you just buy their additive or throw a plant in it and call it aquaponics, and we still sell tanks specifically marketed for betta fish that wouldn’t be a humane place to keep any living being. and how do you beat that mentality, you know? when there’s a full industry saying “no, these animals actually like! living in unheated, unfiltered plastic cubes,” or “they’re great favors for parties, put them in mason jars as a centerpiece!” there’s always gonna be some percentage of people who don’t ever question that, and it’s upsetting!

worse, the people who are really into the hobby? like i said, bad care is basically where most of us started out! most of us made those same beginner fuckups, and we didn’t provide proper care for our underwater buds because we were kids, or information wasn’t available because we had dial up, or even the information in books was often wrong, or the clerk at the pet store said it was okay, or the fucking instructions on the box did. we learned that we were wrong when our pets died. then like, we got a little knowledge, and now we feel guilty that we caused any living being to suffer in the past because we didn’t know enough or do enough to prevent that suffering.

and this is kind of a wild thing about this hobby i stumbled into, because, unlike many other hobbies, there is a measureable cost to fucking it up. tiny lives are on the line, and if you’re bad at it, they die early and unnatural deaths. for those of us who find joy in figuring out how to help our charges thrive, it sucks to know that for some people who claim to love it too, an aquarium is where you put a fish until it dies a few days/weeks/maaybe months later and you get another fish. there’s some moral weight involved that other hobbies don’t have. like, there’s a lot of bad artists out there. some people genuinely suck at knitting or the harmonica. i cannot in good faith call the thing my body does to music “dancing.” generally, the errors people make if they’re bad at a hobby do not lead to suffering and death. (exception: see, my attempts at dancing, supra.)

also, the people who are really fucking it up in the aquarium sphere don’t have a huge overlap with the people who are enthusiastically showing progress pics or asking questions about the science or art underlying these little closed ecosystems. i think people really dedicated to the hobby don’t get the opportunity to interact very often with the subset of people out there fucking it up hard. like, you know it’s happening, and it’s easy to find pictures of a shitty tank if you go looking, but most people are doing pretty fucking good if they’re already actively engaged in the hobby.

so, this is my theory about judgy, judgy fishblr. i think all that anger at people who don’t care about their animals mixes with our own shame for our early mistakes and emotions run high; then, like anything else people are passionate about, some people become holier-than-thou fundamentalists about the whole fuckin thing. if they call you out, they can stay above reproach. if they can claim that anything different from how they engage with the hobby is wrong, they can’t be accused of ever making a mistake, and maybe they don’t need to grapple with their own guilt about their own fuckups that way either. like, i know this all sounds really overblown but...seriously, my tiny following on this site is because I Am A Person Who Wrote 475000 words of Fanfic About Sans Undertale, Including His Dick, and for that crime against decency, i’m sure i DO deserve some anon hate. yet somehow, in spite of my many public sins, my most unpleasant interactions on this or honestly any social media site have been about aquarium stuff? it’s not even directly mean, it’s concern trolling like “uhh sweetie good try but you really shouldn’t have a betta unless you’ve got the space for it 😏😉” and inside i’m like “BITCH IT’S 6.6 GALLONS, it’s ONE FISH, IT’S A NANO TANK,” and yet my response is always closer to “thanks for the tip 😁😁😁😁. here’s why you’re wrong but i’ll be CHEERFUL AND FRIENDLY about it because deep down i STILL need validation that I’m not hurting my animals, EVEN THOUGH I KNOW I’M DOING GREAT”

(this, i swear to god, happens often enough that it’s a joke on the aquatics subreddits? like someone will post a pic of obscenely enormous empty tank, drained swimming pool etc and be like “any ideas what i should put in this?!” and the comments will be like “maybe big enough for a betta???” “no way. with a tank that small, one amano shrimp tops, and that’s PUSHING it”)

so there my dumb ass was last night, trying to write jokes about my fish while still preemptively demonstrating that i know my shit to stop any doubters from fishsplaining at me? and i just COULDN’T get it, and i was getting really frustrated, because it’s so obnoxious to be lumped in with people who never change their pets’ water and don’t know to cycle their tanks and certainly don’t regularly find themselves hunched over 5 ml beakers waiting for the reagents to assure them their ammonia level is as close to 0 parts pet million as possible...

and then i remembered how i deal with anyone who questions my competency in literally any other field. I don’t smile and emoji my way through being attacked by some asshole on the internet when any other topic is on the line. i certainly don’t scramble for the reciepts to prove they’re wrong. instead, i use every debater’s most feared technique:

I threaten to crawl into their house and put things in their ears while they’re sleeping.

Hmmm, oh, are you implying that I don’t know how to care for my obviously healthy, thriving animals? not anymore, because you can’t question my commitment with your EARS FULL OF GOOGLY EYES, JARED!

...this went so far off the rails. in conclusion, take care of your pets, and don’t be insecure in your abilities.

oh, and saltwater tank elitist snobs can eat my farts. give your balls a tug ya shitheads.

[caitliddy-blog]

workfromhome

workfromhome When you go online looking for a legitimate work from home Christian home business, there are a few things you need to look for which tells you whether an opportunity is legitimate or a scam.

If the business opportunity that you are interested in does not provide these things, you need to find another opportunity. Here are the most important things to look for which  shows if a Christian home business is legitimate or not.

One: Reliability - This is very important because you need to be able to rely on the opportunity that you choose to start your home based business.

It is vital that you are able to contact them and get an answer in a timely amount of time. Plus, they should always be courteous and helpful every time you contact them with a question or when you need help.

Two: Good reputation - You do not want to start your business with any opportunity that doesn't have a good reputation because the only ones that do not seem to have a good reputation, are the scams. You can learn about a business opportunity's reputation by researching them online and in forums.

Three: Training and marketing help - If an opportunity is legitimate, they will have training and marketing help in place to help with everyone's success with their home business.

When there is no training or marketing help provided, then it is more than likely, a scam. You see, the legitimate businesses want people to succeed because if they do not then their business will not succeed either.

Four: Experience - If you want to be successful with a home business, then it is always a good idea to find one that is experienced. You can learn if they have experience by researching online and seeing what is being said about them.

Also, read their Website to learn what they have to say. You will quickly be able to tell if they have been around for a while and have experience or just a fly-by-night scam.

These are the most important things that any legitimate work from home Christian home business will have. If you do not find these things, then you definitely want to find another opportunity. The work from home business industry is the best industry to be in. However some of the information floating around is not that great and can lead to frustration and failure. I have looked at and read reviews on lots of home income earners and to my dismay I have realised that over 90% of them are either scams, do not work or are simply not for me.

I do not want to see anyone give up on their dreams due to purchasing a poor work at home business product, So I am going suggest that you take a serious look at an online book written by an ex waitress named Kimberley Hoffman. The book is called My Online Income System.

It is not the most expensive or flashy home based business product, but it is one of the best. If you are new to working from home or would like to break into this industry this book is the place to start. Unlike other work at home business systems, this one does not promise to make you a millionaire over night

Like everything in life you have to work amazon  hard and put in a lot of time and effort. This program is genuine in that the claims are realistic and not far fetched. I love the user friendly web site and unlike most programs My Online Income System boasts a 60 day Step By Step Guide that even a novice to internet marketing can understand.

This is a fairly flawless system that teaches you all the basics. How to set up, how to advertise, how to expand, how to boost Google page ratings, how to become a successful internet affiliate, how to create a free website, how to optimise selling tactics - and its cheap.

[novoplata]

Goodbye part XXIV

I have officially lost count of how many jobs I’ve had since I started working in 2005, but one thing I can attest to is that I am a better person for all that job-hopping.

This month, after complaining about the lack of joy that my current hotelier job is bringing into my life for almost a year, I’ve finally taken the plunge and tendered my resignation. I was anxious how I would react with the incoming unemployment. 

I know that although I have been so excited about the prospect of starting my own business for the longest time, finally doing it is actually scary. I really don’t know what to expect, and I really don’t have any control on the outcome. I only know that I felt called to start now and delaying it further would be an act of willful disobedience.

Moving on, I have planned for my last day at work to be on the 31st December. I have also planned a week-long winter trip to Hokkaido in January -- finally ticking off that ‘going somewhere where it’s snowing’ box on my bucket list!

There’s blessing in giving.

In my eleven years of freelance writing, I have come to be so comfortable as a receiver of opportunities. I get excited when someone scouts for me for a writing job and I’m so thankful for the opportunities given.

However, I sense that God wants to take me a step up to become a provider of opportunities instead of just being receiver, wherein the blessing will end with me. Recently, I was hired for a PR project where I, in turn, had the opportunity to engage local influencers for a promotional campaign. Following their social media postings, I would then pay them for their services and boy, did that feel good.

I figured that hiring and paying people instead of just being a payment recipient. I look forward to having more people to engage and pay in the next couple of years, depending on how fast my business will grow, God willing.

Church guy.

My love life hasn’t gotten much highlight since I stopped talking to Dillon aka Guy I Liked in November of 2017. In hindsight, I can now shake my head at my own folly in thinking that he should be the one. For one, Dillon wasn’t a Christian, which is a major no-no for Christians who want to marry well. But in my delusion and desperation of starting a family, I’ve overlooked that very obvious fact.

I remember praying to God, “God if he remembers my birthday, he’s the one!” every year on my birthday. Surprisingly, despite our extensive hot and cringe-worthy texting relationship, Dillon never did remember my birthday. Not once did he ever wished me happy birthday. 

For the three years that we spoke to each other, I had been left frustrated and confused with his inconsistencies. How could a guy who claimed to really like me and needed to hear my voice every week like he needed needed oxygen not remember the very basic detail about me such as my birth date? Furthermore, three years was far too long be seeing someone to not plan things for the future, And I was so stupid to assume that he was the one. 

Emotions, the hell with them.

Then, I met Church Guy, whose name will remain unknown. We hardly saw each other outside of church, and unlike in my previous relationships wherein I’d get embroiled in crazy emotional attachments early, I couldn’t really tell whether he liked me by the way he communicates with me. He treats me like a sister -- which is how every man should ideally treat every woman -- with respect. 

I noticed that he’s always quick to notice things about me: I mentioned in passing that I love sweet potatoes, and he went on to make sweet potato dessert for our Christmas gathering last year. This year, on my birthday, he was the last person to wish me happy birthday -- which was something I’d actually prayed for Dillon to do.

But I realize that I cannot just pray and sit on my butt crack all day. Faith requires action. It dawned on me this week that if I want something, I should be willing to do something. So, I started with texting him a picture of a dog that somewhat looked like his dog, Christine, just to get the conversation going. Yesterday, he attended our cell group gathering and we managed to talk more. 

After the gathering, they had planned to go watch a late night showing of Jumanji -- which isn’t my favourite genre -- so I passed. He said, “are you sure you don’t wanna come? It’s not everyday that I get to do this...”. But I’m sure there will be other opportunities, over coffee perhaps. 

Sometimes, I feel embarrassed that I’m still stuck in this season of ‘singleness’ at this ripe old age of 36. I had very little planned for my life, actually. At 22, the only I had wanted was to get married and have kids. It never occurred to me to chase after bigger dreams. 

Quite honestly, I’d never even dreamed of travelling or climbing the corporate ladder or job-hopping or becoming a writer. My only dream for my life then was to be a stay-at-home mom; yet, God flipped my whole life story and gave me everything else that I didn’t ask for. Funny how God works. 

I’m not going to assume that this is it. I had assumed that too many times and I had never been right, so I’ll leave the storytelling to God. In His time. In the meantime, I’m going to work on building my PR business in order to give jobs to other people. This will be my true legacy, married or otherwise.