#i am very firm in my subjective objectivity

[ducktracy]

this vocal delivery juxtaposed with the ferocity of the animation always makes me lose it

[selkiesongss]

listen. when it comes to which manifestation of magic would choose sam, i'll admit that seegenpelater is the obvious answer. i get it, i do! like lou mentioned in today's AP, it's literally persuasion magic, obviously that meshes well with sam's magical strengths

HOWEVER !!! i am a firm believer that at her core, sam is more aligned with miskoro (alteration) than seegenpelater

lengthy and incoherent rambling below the cut

as @/wanderingsoftly noted in an earlier post of theirs on this topic, sam's very first spell was transmuting lint into a sundae. i'd like to point out that when given the reality-warping powers of magic, she doesn't think to just poof a sundae into existence - her first thought is to use the lint from her pocket as some kind of equivalent(ish) exchange.

i see this mindset of 'work with what you've got' as a huge part of sam's character, since in her interactions with both the pilot program and the world, she always meets people where they're at. she consistently matches people's energies in a way that neither diminishes nor amplifies, but in a way that illuminates. i think the clearest manifestation of that is in her local charm effect- she doesn't try to be likeable, her presence is just so warm and kind that you can't help but be disarmed. you bare your soul to her, and she responds with a compassionate and tender understanding that opens up an entirely new world of possibilities.

sam sheds light on the ugly, harsh edges of a person and embraces them as they are- not to be romanticized but not to be neglected either. she's an amazing friend when life is good and a safe haven when life gets rough; she was there for jammer when he took on alexis the dragon's curse, for k after they accidentally killed evan, and for evan when he was still a shadow haunting a pair of shoes. there is no aspect of humanity that sam butler/black/britain is too afraid to hold, because no burden is too great to be shared.

with that being said, i'll try to get to my actual argument.

sam is undeniably magnetic, able to compel demons into releasing their grip on evan's soul, and i'm not going to dismiss that at all! sam's ability to influence the people around her is a fundamental part of her character, but i think it's important to draw a distinction between being magically persuasive and being naturally persuasive, as sam usually falls into the latter category.

as for why that distinction is important, it's a matter of intention.

the magic of seegenpelater is inherently subjective, taking perceived reality and molding it into illusory shapes at the whims of its user. on the other hand, the magic of miskoro is inherently objective; its alterations are exactly what they present themselves to be. as we've seen on weugan, sam is deeply opposed to projecting her desires onto others and seegenpelater is entirely antithetical to that. in contrast, miskoro represents the honest potential to change- which sam has always kindled in those around her- and i think that perfectly aligns with who she is at her core.

sam has been helping people out since day one. she provides the warmth and safety they need to grow past their fixed ideas about who they should be and into who they could be. she's been a sailor moon fangirl, a twitch streamer, a scuppers player, a television host, a celebrity, the world's greatest wizard, and only the qohlye knows who she'll be next!

sam butler/black/britain is a woman who treats surnames like haute couture, a wizard perpetually moving forward, unbridled by the threat of stagnation, and i am deeply obsessed with her. somebody please sedate me.

anyway save my girl from cannibal island PLEASE !!!! drop by purble place and get some dope ass alchemy powers instead :3

LET SAM COMMIT CRIMES AGAINST THE NATURAL SCIENCES '24

[honouredsatoru]

A Little Promise To The Heart

— summary. an aftermath of after two months when your lover comes home and you two got into a fight. with a little bit of angst but fluff follows suit. a gift for @shadowarchon and as a return to writing in tumblr.

— tw. none. it's just angst and subtle fluff. not really proofread as usual.

— taglist. @noritoshiikamo @nkogneatho @sirthisisa-wendys @laudthingcat @lazy10ieiri @booksweet @beautiful-is-boring @sassooda @sixeyesgojo @katsukisbimbo @tojisveryown @peachsayshi @amaya-writes (leave me an ask if you want to be tagged!)

You stared in disbelief at the figure standing in front of you,

"You're... You're actually here."

Your hands grabbed whatever that was next to you and with every energy you could muster up, you threw it, hoping it'll hit him and maybe ease up the pent up anger that has been building for the past two months.

"TWO MONTHS. TWO BLOODY MONTHS TOJI?! After two months of complete silence, of not knowing where the fuck you've been.... you just waltz back into my life like nothing happened?" Toji spots a weary look on his face as he squeezed his nape. "I had no choice, love. You know what I do, what I've always done. It's not easy to explain, but I needed to protect you."

You let out a petty scoff, "Protect me? By disappearing without a trace?" you threw another random object at Toji, only for him to avoid it perfectly as he did before. "Listen... [your name], I'm sorry, really and truly. But you have to understand, my work... it's dangerous. I never wanted to hurt you. But I had to go off the grid completely, and they would have used you as leverage. I couldn't let that happen. I can't afford to have any attachments. There will be people going after me, and YOU. I can't let that happen, I can't afford to have any attachments in my way while I am working, [your name]."

Your voice trembling with anger as you listened to Toji's explanation. It makes sense in your head but to your heart, it does not. It's fighting against one another to help you come up with a response... and this time, you chose the one beating through your chest. "So you think... I am a burden? Oh. OH. M-me? Little old me as an attachment to you is nothing but a burden. Is that what you're implying?"

Some time later...

The room was filled with tension, their heated argument echoing through the walls but it ended as exhaustion crept its way through both of your bodies and head. The clock struck close to 3 in the morning as you paced through the living room before finally standing by the window, staring at the city lights and the roads that will never be deprived of cars driving by. You huffed with arms crossed tightly against your chest, while Toji now stands a few paces, no more than 10 steps behind you, a hand on his shoulder, squeezing it every now and then, frustration plastered on his face.

This isn't the first time, really, where you and Toji had clashed over his dangerous profession as an assassin, a subject that had haunted your relationship for as long as you could remember. At first, of course you were shocked, thinking that this business he claimed to be in was in was a mere service as a second hand to Tokyo's largest conglomerate, The Zen'in Enterprise. But an assassin? You remember the day he came clean after finding a weapon he thought he hid so well from you. You could've just left, you know, but your heart and soul made it a firm stand on the grounds of earth for you to stay. But now... logic and sense started to sink in and so does the thoughts that plagued your very mind whenever he is away.

As the silence settled, Toji approaches you slowly, his eyes softened with regret, his shoulders heavy with remorse. Taking a deep breath, he reached out, turned you around and gently rests his hand to your cheek. He could feel you trembling from that alone. "Love, I didn't mean to hurt you," he whispered, "But you have to understand as I said before, with this job and the bloodshed I've committed, darling, it's not as simple as just quitting."

You turned your gaze towards him, your eyes reflecting a mix of love and concern, letting out such deep breath, "I know it's not easy Toji... but... but I can't bear the thought of losing you. Do you have any idea what I've been through? Every time you leave, my heart is filled with fear. I can't stand it any longer. You don't know what it's like waking up to an empty bed in the middle of the night, the sheets felt cold even on the hottest of nights, eating my food away but none of it felt easy going down through my throat, and it feels like I am drowning myself whenever I take a sip of water, not knowing if you were alive or dead? The pain... Toji... it will consume me," you replied, you voice quivering. "At first, it was thrilling, it was... fun. You know? Dating a bad boy, someone who works against the laws, but a day or two turned into a week, and a week a fortnight, and now? Two months. This realization and coming to my senses made me realize how scared I am. The sense of losing someone so fucking dear to me," you continued. He sighed, looking away for a split second before turning his gaze back at you. "I do unders–", "No you don't! You don't, Toji! I worked a normal job where you get to see me leave and return safely. I tell you whenever I am on my lunch break, I let you know if the taxi is a little too late so I'll be wandering off in the nearby cafes till you pick me up. That's letting you know that I am there. I am safe and sound. But with you? A job like that has no guarantee of survival."

The sounds of ambulances, cars, even the streaks of the light poles from outside were like needles stuck onto their skins. Toji took your hand, intertwining their fingers, and looked deep into your eyes, his other hand cupping your cheek, with his thumb grazing on your lips. "Again, darling, I never wanted to cause you any pain," he said tenderly. "But being an assassin is all I've known. It's how I've survived in this unforgiving world. I tried getting out of this path. Believe me, I did. But it is so hard," he pauses. "However, for you, my love, I'll find a way out. I'll find a path where we can both be safe."

Tears streamed down your face as you looked at him, your heart aching with a mixture of emotions. "I believe in you," she whispered, her voice filled with vulnerability. "I believe that together, we can overcome anything. Just tell me that you'll try, you don't even have to promise, just let me know... that you'll fight for a different life.", you stopped for a second, Toji looking at you, scanning every lines, every twitch you eyes made, the way you lips pursed as you body once again tried hiding the trembles it produces whenever you blinked her tears to stop yourself from crying. "I do not wish to fight you. I do not wish to mourn you when life has so much for the both of us. For you. Especially you, Toji. I do not wish to wake up and forever be ignorant of your whereabouts one day, some of these days if you not make any haste to leave this world of murder and spillage of blood." You take deep breath, laughing to yourself. He pulled you in, holding you close, enveloping you in his embrace, as if protecting you from all the darkness that surrounded them. "I love you," he murmured, his words filled with determination. "And I'll do whatever it takes to keep you safe, to build a future where we can live without fear." "I promise." said he, which made your eyes widened for a moment. "Promise?", you whispered. "I promise." said Toji, lips curled into a smile laced with softness that made you return the smile.

In that moment, the heat and weight of their argument lifted, replaced by a sense of hope, love, a clean slate ready to be scribbled with another row of trials and tribulations washing over their souls and hearts. They both knew that the journey ahead would be challenging, but their commitment to each other was unbreakable. As they held onto each other in a tight embrace, they found solace in the fact that their love would conquer the obstacles that lay ahead, leading them to a brighter and safer tomorrow.

"I love you, too, Toji Fushiguro."

all writing belongs to honouredsatoru.

reblogs are appreciated. ♡

[ascendingaeons]

On the Symbolism of the Ogdoad

It's been my experience that buried underneath patterns, beliefs, and interpretations there are core truths. The Greeks called them Forms or First Principles, the Egyptians knew them as the Netjeru, among the Teutons they were the Runes, and to the Hebrews they were the Sefirot. Based on my own experiences I am of the firm belief that these Principles are, in a sense, animated and alive. Being able to hear and see them takes time and sacrifice. I can say it feels like a blessing to reach out and touch even one of them.

The Netjeru are forces of nature within the spectrum of Cosmos and Chaos. They are embodied within both the physical universe and the human psyche. They are both primordial and universal, scientific and spiritual. The nature of their involvement with both objective and subjective reality far transcends that of third-dimensional human beings. The Egyptian word netjer or neter was carried on through the ages as the Coptic noute, the Latin natura, and finally the English nature.

In Egyptian cosmology, the Ogdoad were four pairs of Netjers conceptualized to represent different aspects of the primeval chaos. They were at the heart of the Hermopolitan cosmology. They were believed responsible for the inundation of the Nile and the rising of the sun. The forces of chaos were an essential part of the cosmic circuit. They were first mentioned in religious texts during the Middle Kingdom (2040-1640 B.C.E.). The original mound of creation (depicted as the Benben stone, a lotus flower containing the child Ra, or the child Ra hatching from the cosmic egg) was said to rise from the chaotic waters. Ra represents both the physical sun but also the creative principle as a whole. The names of the Ogdoad are:

Nun and Naunet (Primeval Ocean and Primeval Sky)

Kek and Kauket (Obscurity and Illumination)

Amun and Amunet (the Hidden One and the Revealed One)

Heh and Hauhet (Infinity and Boundaries)

The males were depicted as frogs or frog-headed men (as very prolific animals, frogs symbolize new life) whereas the females were serpents or serpent-headed women (often portrayed as spirals, serpents symbolize the latent creative force in the universe). The Egyptians chose well to use these animals as representations of the pre-creation state, thinking they would be comfortable in the primeval ooze. The Ogdoad are equivalent to the four fundamental interactions of the universe (the weak nuclear force, the strong nuclear force, gravity, and electromagnetism).

Nun was the primeval ocean and His consort Naunet was the sky above it. In the pre-creation state Nun was the chaotic primeval matter and Naunet was the primeval space. In the created universe Nun was what the Egyptians believed to be the watery firmament surrounding the world, similar to the Greek titan Okeanus, and in older texts, Naunet became the anti-sky which Ra must traverse every night in the Duat.

Kek and Kauket represented the awakening of the Universal Mind from the darkness enveloping the primeval ocean. Egyptians associated night with the chaotic energies and forces. Kek and Kauket were known as "the bringer-in of the light" and "the bringer-in of the night", respectively, indicating both their dominion over the hours of twilight and the dual-spiral nature of consciousness. Kek is that which is perpetually beyond the reach of the intellect and Kauket is the embodiment of continually pushing back barriers—of Opening the Way.

Amun and Amunet were Wind and Air, the dynamic elements of chaos. Creation cannot be explained from within, only from without, i.e. the Creator and the created universe are not one and the same. There must be an external force underlying creative efforts. This has been known by many cultures as “the breath of life” which animates inert or dead matter. The Egyptians knew this force as Amun, the Netjer of wind also known as the Hidden One. Amun represents the occult force underlying creation.

Heh and Hauhet symbolized the dynamic relationship between Matter and Spirit. One knows a compounded horizon, the other bears the limitless expanse of the primeval waters, knowing neither the impression of space nor time.

Most ancient cultures (as well as some that survive to this day) lived by the understanding of the cyclicality of nature, which can be observed within the succession of seasons. The universe was perceived as dynamic and animated rather than mechanistic and dead. The wisdom that many these days perceive as baseless or quaint was the result of centuries spent working the earth and observing the sky. The ancients developed mystery plays to illustrate the cosmic dance, the eternal conflict between the forces of cosmos and chaos. The mystery plays, rites, and festivals were more than just religious affairs to the ancients; they were acts of involvement with the cosmic crisis (often portrayed by the disappearance and rebirth of the sun).

The sun symbolizes cosmic order. The word "order" often sounds sterile and mechanistic but, rather, is taken to mean balance or regulation. The glaring heat of summer and the brittle cold of winter symbolically contributes to the death of the earth. From these chaotic seasons come longer days, renewed vegetation, and new generations of fauna, the cyclicality of creation playing out on the cosmic stage. Should the forces of either cosmos or chaos destroy the other, the outcome will be the same regardless of the victor. The creative principle involves a continuance of transformation through creation and destruction—an alchemy if you will. This has been depicted by many cultures as the world serpent.

The bringing of order and definition to the primeval state was not a sudden or random event but one subject to a greater form of law. The Egyptians knew this as Ma'at, the Greeks as Logos, the Teutons as Ørlög, the Hindus as Ṛta, the Zoroastrians as Asha, and the Lakota peoples as Wakan Tanka or the Great Mystery. In the Judeo-Christian tradition, it is referred to as the Word of God. Creation is not something that can be explained from within, but only from outside of it or beyond its scope; whence comes the concept of the occult or hidden force underlying creation. This is not something I consider to be a god necessarily but rather an emanation, a permeating force or principle that underlies objective existence. In the microcosm, this would be comparable to the notion of vitality or the animating principle.

Creation is an emanating, dynamic, and ongoing act as opposed to a singular, decisive act. It is the process by which undifferentiated matter, energy, and consciousness are brought to order and definition. It is the transition from subjective being to objective being, from the unconscious to the conscious. In human terms, it is the transition from an unconscious state to one of awareness. It is not the bringing forth of something out of nothing. The necessary elements already exist and the act itself is the forming and re-purposing of chaotic matter or energy into something new. To a person rousing from active sleep, their dream could be considered incredibly real even though it was the product of their unconscious mind attempting to categorize the experiences of the previous day.

Creation is inherently cyclical, continuous, and multidimensional. The experience of it is, by its very nature, transcendental (i.e. beyond oneself). The universe is not static. It is evolving on every scale and in every aspect, very much animated and alive. One of the core Hermetic teachings is that everything in the universe is composed of energy vibrating at an infinite range of frequencies, all of which are susceptible to mental influence.

Inherent in this dynamic process is the reconciliation of opposites, a practical example of which can be found in the interaction between matter and antimatter. The majority of the universe is comprised of plasma with matter and antimatter distributed throughout. When matter (e.g. a negatively-charged electron) and antimatter (a positively-charged positron) collide, they produce a violent reaction—the conversion of matter to energy in the form of an explosion. In doing so, the particles and antiparticles negate each other and return to zero mass with their total energy being redistributed into the surrounding space, transformed into gamma radiation. The universe wastes nothing.

This process was defined philosophically as the dialectic Thesis-Antithesis-Synthesis and portrayed allegorically as Unity-Scission-Reconciliation. This dialectic is observable in nature as the changing of seasons, the life cycles of flora, and the behavior of fauna. It manifests recurrently in human lives as the intricacies of relationships and personal growth, the outreaching of generations, and the evolution of customs, trends, and technology.

The Ancient Egyptians had a way of expressing such relationships and interactions. This was achieved by grouping the Netjeru into dyads, triads, tetrads, etc. These groupings were formulaic, illustrating the interaction between principal forces. For example:

Nun-Ptah-Atum

Nun: undifferentiated matter/energy

Ptah: converting potentia to dunamis

Atum: self-begotten awareness

This triad embodies the scientific basis of Creation in which the undifferentiated, inert state of matter and energy come into being as the physical universe. The Egyptians portrayed the transformative catalyst as Ptah, the patron Netjer of artisans. Ptah is portrayed with His body bound in cloth (representing the dense state of matter, the concealed potentiality underlying creation), often standing on a pedestal or seated on a throne (representing His mastery over universal laws). His hands and head are uncovered (indicating the capacity for action, expression, and intent) and He is often seen holding a staff combining the ankh, was, and djed (symbols of life, sovereignty, and stability).

I am writing a book that focuses on Nun and will occasionally post snippets of it here. Nun is one of the Netjers that I work with and I’ll be writing more about that in my Relationships With The Netjeru series. You would be surprised by the wisdom and friendship to be found in obscure forces of creation.

[lohstandfound]

pinkberry 4 6 32?

4. How did they first meet?

My thoughts switch between as kids starting school or in middle school. I like to think Chloe latched onto Brooke quickly, becoming her first real close friend after Jake.

I have a thing with Chloe, Brooke, and Jake being an inseparable trio. Their climb to popularity, especially towards high school, was spearheaded by Chloe but the other two quite easily went along with it. However, their dynamic gets switched up in high school, especially when Jake and Chloe start dating, and Brooke begins to resent Jake.

6. When did they realize they loved each other?

Leading on from my last point, Brooke realised sometime after Chloe and Jake got together. I've said it before, Brooke begins to resent Jake because of how he's the only thing Chloe will pay attention to and Brooke wants Chloe to pay attention to her, why can't Chloe look at her the same way? Why can't she be the object of Chloe's attention? Why does she have to be obsessed with Jake? It's sometime during another break up between Jake and Chloe that she realises why she has such a strong resentment to Jake. But, of course, no matter how many break ups they go through Jake is who Chloe wants, so Brooke doesn't tell her.

Brooke tries to pin her feelings on someone else. Suddenly someone is seeing her first, suddenly someone is showing a genuine interest in her, suddenly she develops feelings for him. (Maybe she was trying to pin her feelings for Chloe on someone else, but that doesn't mean she doesn't get hurt when it doesn't end well).

Chloe didn't realise how much she loved Brooke until she almost lost her. I am firm on that. She spent so long chasing an idealised version of what her life could be, trying to live out those high school rom com movies and fairytales where the girl always ends up with the boy, and Jake is supposed to be her prince charming, her knight in shining armour. but that didnt work out, of course. and then her best friend refuses to talk to her after all the shitty things she did and suddenly she realises the damage she's caused. and suddenly she realises just how much she needs Brooke. and suddenly she realised just how important Brooke is to her. they have a long way to go, but the only place to start is apologising

32. How do they resolve their arguments?

oohhhh... okay. i think

i think arguments used to get very quickly dismissed and never really resolved at first, with Chloe never really apologising for anything and neither of them really wanting to push the subject matter any further. I think Chloe could be quite snappy and very confrontational, whereas Brooke isn't as confrontational as Chloe, but probably a little passive agressive? is it healthy? absolutely not. it's just one of the many things they had to learn to discuss, something that really came up when brooke had finally had enough post canon and just had a go at her. i havent really thought about this a lotand i dont think im getting it across as well as i would hope

i think post canon, after a particularly bad argument they would leave to cool off before trying again to approach the topic more carefully. less yelling, more of a discussion, more control over their tempers. because that's one thing that never really happened before, the communication. the actually listening to each other

[invisiblegarters]

Only Friends Ranking - Ep 4

Genuinely had to sit and think on this for a bit and watch certain parts of the ep again (oh what a burden) and ponder my own reactions a little. I fucking love this show.

But I want to add a little disclaimer, since I guess it's needed: these opinions are subjective. I'm not objectively sitting here ranking the messiness I'm subjectively ranking how much the messiness (or lack thereof, for now) entertains me personally. It's not a statement of fact over which character is the "villain" or the "good guy" because frankly, I don't think we have any of either (maybe in their own heads, but not in the show itself).

Okay. That out of the way let's do this.

Character Rankings (Fave to Least Fave atm)

Sand. Yep he's back on top, it felt weird to demote him last week but he was much less boring this ep. I think I'm starting to get a better read on him, which I didn't have before, and I'm enjoying what I see. While I would like him to be much more guarded against Ray in particular, I think he's just too forthright. Not just with other people but also with himself. And I wonder how much of that stems from his situation. Back before ep 1 First said that Sand doesn't have time, he is patient, he has to do a lot of things just to make ends meet, and I think that extends to his personal life as well. He knows Ray's a bad idea and he also knows he's gonna walk right into it, and I am tentatively hopeful that this is what will make him come out okayish in the end. Because at the end of the day he still isn't gonna have time for bullshit, either other people's or his own. I feel like Ray's gonna fuck that up a bit (or a lot) for a while, but in the end he'll reset to form, probably a little more jaded but altogether still fairly whole. I think that's about all we can ask for him.

I hope that the ex shows up for real. Flashbacks are fun but I want a little bit of mess and it seems clear to me that Sand still has unresolved feelings there, maybe Top too. I am also more sure than ever that he has some serious anger issues and I think we might get to see the Return of the Bat, and I for one am so very here for it. He still seems the most put together out of all of them which is a little disappointing, but again, I do wonder how much of that is because he doesn't have the time to give into the hot mess he really is. I'm very very curious to see how his relationships with both Nick and Ray affect that moving forward, because it seems like regardless of what went down with Top and the ex that better be Mix or I will revolt, he tends to keep himself fairly restrained, and those two are so openly messy and so very unrestrained that you can practically feel the car crash coming (hopefully not in the literal sense).

Also people need to stop calling him a green flag like yesterday. He is not. He's just better at compartmentalizing, give him two episodes I feel it in my bones he's gonna turn out to be a messy messy bitch.

Mew. Never let it be said that I can't admit that I was wrong. I still think that Mew is manipulative but I no longer believe that he is specifically keeping Ray on the line. Ray is keeping himself on the line, every time Mew tries to yank him off he just bites in harder. Which means it's really gonna sting in so many different ways when Mew eventually decides fuck it and does what Ray's been begging him for for two years, because I'm not sure the feeling will be there then either. But I still expect it - frankly the real surprise for me would be if Mew and Ray end the show without fucking. And while I guess it's still possible that they did sleep together two years ago in the current timeline Mew has put a firm "no" down - at least for now. And I have to respect him for it.

Kinda wish he'd stop talking Sand up to Ray though. For one, the more he pushes Sand at him the less likely Ray will actually develop organic feelings for him. For two, he needs to back away from Ray's love life wholesale until Ray no longer wants him to be intimately involved in it. It's just smarter, although I can understand why Mew might think differently.

Then again if he wants to keep noticing how lovely Sand is (he is Mew, good taste no notes) he can go right on, because I wasn't kidding when I said I was shipping this. Maybe instead of Ray Mew should have Sand be his ill-advised hookup after things with Top blow up. I for one would not say nay.

I genuinely thought I'd be annoyed if Mew were not some sort of mastermind, but I'm not. At all. That said, I still don't think he's half as innocent as the show wants us to believe. And I still feel like he's playing with Top. Oh, Top is playing back, a little, but there's something about the way he looks sometimes and the things he says ("I don't want to hide anything from you / I need you to be honest with me") that makes me feel like he's still got more going on than we're seeing. Also he has to know that Top's not gonna stop doing drugs if he sexes him up. There was something about that whole interaction that struck me as weird. I can't put my finger on it right now but it's one of the things that I am going to be chewing on in the days to come, I can already tell.

Ray. This one was a surprise, and I want to be clear. I do not like this guy, and yes, a lot of that stems from the fact that he's set up to hurt my fave, but also he's a wrecking ball in human form and the worst thing about him is that he is an aimless one. Boston is a wrecking ball too but he's pointing himself in one direction; Ray just swings wildly in every direction because he himself is aimless, he doesn't know who he is or what he wants and that is dangerous, especially when you add in his substance abuse and his struggles with depression (look I don't like armchair psychoanalyzing but yeah, depression is what I am going to call it). He feels worthless and hopeless, he hates himself, and the problem with that is that no one else will ever be enough. He will turn his hatred against anyone who cares for him because he hates himself so much that he truly does not understand how anyone else could like him, and the self-hate turns into a weird derision for anyone who tries to see past the shell.

Mew is only exempt from this, I think, because he doesn't want Ray in the way Ray so desperately wants to be wanted. He loves him, he cares for him and tries to build him up, but he is not in love, he can and will step away if Ray is becoming too much, he will set boundaries and stick to them. So Ray's ire can't fall on him because he's reinforcing all the things Ray thinks about himself: that he's a burden, that he's too much, that he drives people away, that he's so unlovable even his own mother couldn't love him.

Sand, however. Sand is gonna fall right into the trap that Ray is laying for him, and oh boy is Ray gonna make him pay for it.

I was surprised by how much he seems to have held on to all the mean things Sand's called him, though. Not that he held on to them as further proof of who he is but that it was Sand specifically that was calling him those things. That was interesting and unexpected.

I do not think that Ray genuinely cares about either Mew or Sand as people at this juncture, but I also don't think that it's on purpose. He's a drowning man grasping at any and everyone within reach who is treading water, and he can't look past his own panic at not being able to get enough air to understand or care if he's dragging others down with him.

So yes. I do not like him but I find him utterly fascinating and Khaotung is killing it. That bathtub scene was amazing and painful (and yes I'm still feeling smug for calling it, mostly because I made a bet with my friend and now they owe me fic. Man do I love profiting off of being right. It's like Christmas AND my birthday) and finally made me understand why he clings to Mew so hard, and why he will keep clinging in spite of everything that happened this ep, in spite of having someone else who wants to care for him the way Mew won't, in spite of probably trying to think of something (or someone) else.

But the sad, sad truth that Ray will have to face (maybe not in this show but eventually, as a character) is that it's no one else's job to fulfill him, and they can't anyway. He's gotta learn to love himself before he can really love anyone else, or let them love him. I can't get over the idea that at some point he's gonna have to break his own heart to figure that out.

Nick. He gets this spot just for the way he smiled at Top like "bitch I know Boston's the worst, do you really think I'm not?" I knew he wasn't gonna go to Mew with the sex recording though because he wants Boston and breaking Top and Mew up at this point is counterproductive to his goals. Still think that he should blackmail Boston into a real relationship though. Opportunity wasted. Also he's making me very wary of wanting to take my phone into IT if I ever break it, lol. Because you know Boston didn't give him his passcode.

I'm also curious why he went for Top because he has to know it was Boston pushing things this whole time.

Boston. He went from winning last ep to being kind of pathetic this ep. The elevator scene in particular. I was embarrassed for him. Don't tell me that he really thought that Top would just give up and start fucking him on the regular after one night? Come on. Top's pettier than that, my dude. He's gonna make you feel like a pathetic loser for it as well as renew his efforts with Mew just to prove that he can do everyone one better.

I have to admit I am curious what makes him pull the "I want to try settling into something" thing with Nick next ep. Does he suspect that Nick knows more than he's saying? Does Top outright tell him he does?

I am also looking forward to him or NIck causing some havoc with Ray and Sand. One of them is gonna spill the RayMew beans, right? Boston would do it out of pure nastiness, but Nick I think values Sand as a friend and would do it as a warning. Or maybe he's like Boston and will hold onto it for when Sand pisses him off...

Top. Frankly unless we find out that Boston has further evidence of Ray and Mew actually fucking or at least showed him some sort of manipulated vid, I think he's a complete dumbass. You don't get to police who the guy you're with now kissed before he even knew you existed (or did he? 👀👀👀). Literally the only reason I was on his side was that if they fucked it was less about the fucking and more about the deliberate dishonesty, but let's be real, even that is a little sketch. Especially when you yourself don't know how many people you've slept with.

However I also kind of want to be weirdly charitable and say that maybe it has less to do with being pettily annoyed that Mew *dared* to have some sort of non-platonic contact with someone else before him and more being blindsided by how much the idea of Mew playing with him hurt. Whether that's because players hate being played or because he has genuine feeling for Mew I'm on the fence about.

But I still think Boston showed him sex. Because he was very insistent about that point. Whether it was RayMew sex or something else I do believe there was something. And I wanted to look at that scene again to see what Mew's face does when he replies but youtube at this point youtube told me to go f myself so no dice.

Also I think we all called the addiction problems. Dude's a mess. And he's not going to stop being a mess for sex.

Relationships (most to least fave atm)

This time I'm not just going to include romantic relationships because finally we're seeing some real meat out of the other interactions.

BostonNIck. Genuinely I think these two of the best chance of actually working out right now, very much in a "they deserve each other" way. Neither one of them knows what boundaries are and they're both obsessive af. If they turn that on each other they're doing society a favor, lol.

SandTop. You know what I would love? If Top was actually into Sand and deliberately lured his ex away to make him available. Of course that's not where we're going but that's why fanfiction exists. But weirdly I do think that Sand hates Top more than Top hates him - maybe he feels remorse for stealing his ex. Maybe they were friendly before he did that. I don't know. I do know that I want them to make out about it and I will never stop. You hear me? I will. Never. Stop.

SandNick. These two are gonna be fun. You can just tell by the way that Sand didn't even bat an eye when Nick was like hey listen to this audio recording I got when I bugged my FWB's car.

TopMew. Both still playing games. The balance of power between these two fascinates me because it seems to switch back and forth at will. I still feel like neither of them is *really* feeling much but I wonder if and when that will change.

MewRay. It's the only thing I can't make myself ship, but I thought that their whole dynamic was super interesting this ep. I can understand Mew trying to build Ray up, especially as he seems to be the only one who is privy to how deep Ray's issues go, and I can also understand Ray latching on to him hard because of that. When he kissed Mew while Mew was trying to sleep I recoiled from my screen so hard it physically hurt, lol. I do not know if that was the intention but it's what happened. Ideally I'd love it if they came out of this mess stronger friends but not sleeping together or paired romantically, but I don't have the highest hopes for it.

SandRay. I'm gonna be frank. Ray doesn't need a boyfriend. He needs a therapist and possibly a stint in rehab. Sand's gonna bash himself on this one like a bird against glass and it's gonna hurt him a lot. They're gonna flare hot and bright and burn to ash, but maybe, just maybe, they'll be able to emerge from the ashes as friends. It isn't lost on me that they do genuinely seem to get on even when they're not preluding to sex. For me this really depends on how fast it falls apart. If they've split by ep 9 I can really see a friendship emerging from this, but if not...nope.

Franky this one worries me. Because Ray latches on and it would be very easy for him to become far too dependent on Sand far too fast, and that's the last thing that either of them needs. Whether they fall in love or not (and I still think Sand will and Ray probably will not) is immaterial. If Sand (because for better or worse it's gonna have to be Sand) doesn't catch on fast enough to what Ray's doing with him it's gonna spell trouble, even without any interference from an outside party or even counting in Ray's continued feelings for Mew.

Sand clearly wants to be with Ray as equals, whether their relationship remains just friends or something else. And Ray is incapable of fulfilling that wish as he is.

SandMew. New ship alert! They should make out. The only reason it gets lowest billing is that it's a pipe dream comprised of one line from Mew and the fact that they both would be very good at communicating their needs with each other, at least from what we've seen thus far.

[dreamanduality]

Modality & the Zodiacal Signs

This writing is issued in 2 points of emphasis. If you are looking for basic information on the Modes stick to the bold text, for a more intermediate explanation of the modes and signs include all.

I am not including the physical characteristics, because in my opinion this gets carried in ways that need a deeper understanding of the moon and ascendant as well as temperament, but I have included very limited details of ailments since we cannot talk about body parts without mentioning their association to health.

As the sun moves North and South of the equator the yearly course is marked by four critical turning points. These are the solstices and equinoxes which initiate the seasons.

Dividing this movement into 12 equal portions of 30 degrees marks the zodiacal signs. These markings can vary based on the system, whether it is tropical, sidereal, or western sidereal—which has caused confusion & great debate. This is for another time though and for the purpose of clarity, I will be using the Tropical Western system as has been used in the tradition of Western astrology since the 4th century BCE.

Basic differences between these systems:

Sideral provides more of an outer or transpersonal perspective of the souls in relationship to the galaxy that both exists and that we may see post-existence through the shining of dead stars.

Tropical provides the of our relationships to the Sun, as it pertains to our experience on earth.

Both are valid and accurate providing a different landscape or served perspective.

The Zodiacal signs in the nativity serve 3 primary functions in Astrology

To truly understand the variations and historical development I recommend that you take the to time read the source material listed at the end.

The bush broad strokes into something like an ancient class-like system. As images with mythic associations give us the shape of behavior and allude to physical characteristics. When framed as configurations we can see familial or interpersonal relationships of the native. And as residences, this articulates resources and power the native holds or has access to. The constellations themselves were likely set up and are used as such to be the dwelling places of the gods/planets.

For this reason, in the study, a firm understanding of the planets should come before and not after the study of the zodiacal wheel.

Moveable Modality

Moveable or Cardinal signs issue the modality of the beginning of seasons. Corresponding to the first degree of Aries-Spring, Cancer-Summer, Libra-Autumn, Capricorn-Winter.

These signs are action-oriented and are the initiators of the zodiac; loving to start new things. Moveable signs are great at taking risks and making changes but can also be impulsive and restless.

beginning of seasons

needing to take action

movement

agitation

unexpected

objective

quick and immediate

When examining these astrological signs, we see behavioral impulsivity, impatience, and difficulty respecting the limits of resources and people we must consider this subjectively. When framing the modes from Aries to Capricorn, this spontaneity or essence of taking action should be placed on a spectrum with the qualities of elements and lords marking how an action is taken.

The objects associated with the moveable modality are dynamic, action-oriented, sharp, and tactility aligning with the moveable modality's association with agitation and taking action. The events associated with this mode are dynamic and change the atmosphere or theme quickly.

All of these signs are tropical, meaning environmental climate needed for creation.

Aries - The Ram

The characteristics of this sign are bestial (animalistic), terrestrial, quadrupedal, semi-vocal, unprolific, mangling, free & single, lustful & lewd. Classified as; masculine, equinoctial, spring, fiery, and diurnal.

Personality; noble, bold & bright, inconsistent, unruly, arrogant

Northern and of the East Wind timing and actions taken are commanding a crooked short ascension.

Rulership is Mars as Domicile, the Sun 19 is exalted. Venus finds themselves in Detriment here and Saturn 19 reaches Fall. In triplicity with the Sun and Jupiter and finding bounds for Mercury 13-20, Venus 1-12, Mars 21-25, Jupiter 1-6, and Saturn 26-30. Decans; Sun, Venus, and Mars.

Head of cosmos and of body and face. When looking at medical astrology can show ailments in the ways of; headaches, poor eyesight & blindness, afflictions to teeth & hearing-possibly deafness, Hansen’s disease, concussions & cerebral hemorrhaging that can lead to stroke, and bouts of anger.

Cancer - The Crab

The characteristics of this sign are bestial, amphibious, mute, broken, fertile, single & servile. Classified as; feminine, solstitial, summer, nocturnal, and watery.

Personality; regard for reputation, popularity, changeable, inconsistent knowledge, wandering, cheerful

Northern with the North Wind finding a long, straight ascension.

Rularship is the Moon as Domicile, Jupiter 15 is exalted. Saturn finds their detriment here and Mars 28 reaches fall. In triplicity with Venus and Mars and finding bounds for Mercury 14-19, Venus 8-13, Mars 1-7, Jupiter 20-25, and Saturn 26-30. Decans; Moon, Mercury, Venus.

Ascendant, breast & ribs of the cosmos and body. Including the chest, spleen, stomach, and posture which can include medical ailments corresponding to the physical location, as well as edema.

Libra - Scales

The characteristics of this sign; are human, vocal, whole, unprolific, violent, single & servile, lustful & lewd. Classified as; masculine, equinoctial, autumnal, diurnal, and airy.

Personality; good and just though malicious, desires the goods of others, irregularity yet oversees balance, weighing, and measuring.

Southern with the West & Southwest Winds timing and actions taken are straight & obeying, long ascension.

Rulership is Venus as Domicile, Saturn 20 is exalted. Mars finds their detriment here and the Sun 19 reaches fall. In triplicity with Saturn and Mercury and finding bounds for Mercury 7-14, Venus 22-28, Mars 29-30, Jupiter 15-21, Saturn 1-6. Decans; Moon, Jupiter, and Saturn.

Subterranean of the cosmos, following in line with the hips, hind parts, groin, bladder, and colon with a medical decrement in these areas as well.

Capricorn - The Goat

The characteristics of this sign; are bestial, amphibious, very wet, unprolific, the cause of evils & troubles, semi-vocal, dual & servile, mysterious/mystifying, and violent. Classified as; feminine, solstitial, wintery, earthy, and nocturnal.

Personality; good and simple, hard-working, stewarding, insomniatic, planning of great things, caring, mischievous, fickle, making mistakes.

Southern with the South Winds, timing and actions taken are crooked & obeying, short ascension.

Rulership is Saturn is Domicile and Mars 28n exalted. The Moon finds their detriment and Jupiter 15 reaches fall. In triplicity with Venus and Moon and finding bounds Mercury 1-7, Venus 15-22, Mars 27-30, Jupiter 8-14, and Saturn 23-26. Decans; Sun, Mars, and Jupiter.

Setting/descendent of the cosmos, knees, and fibrous tissue/tendons that unite the muscle to the bone. Physical ailments can show as; hunched or curved spine, low vision, disability, severe or chronic mental illness, back injuries caused by backbones, and abnormal discharge of humors.

Fixed Modality

The middle of the seasons comes with an air of self-governance, in that action has to be on the terms of that taking action. This is when deep rooting happens, through caution and planning to make sure that action has lasting intents for effect.

When examining these astrological signs we see stability, determination, and persistence. Fixed signs are resistant to change and like to maintain the status quo. When framing the modes for Taurus, Leo, Scorpio, and Aquarius they are loyal and reliable but can also be stubborn and inflexible. The essence of inflexibility should be placed on a spectrum of a sense of security from that which the qualities of elements and lords are marking how the action is taken.

All of these sign are solid, which emphasizes that capability of the dependability and patience required for long term goals.

middle of seasons

needing to maintain

stability

persistent

cautious

defensive

consistent

slow and steady

The objects associated with the fixed modality are conservative, hard to move, solid, steady, reliable, and long-lasting aligning with the fixed modality's association with stability defensiveness, and endurance. The events associated with this mode are stable and last for a long time, a long wait.

Taurus - The Bull

The characteristics of this sign are bestial, terrestrial, quadrupedal, semi-vocal, unprolific, broken, violent, servile & single, lustful & lewd. Classified as; feminine, spring, earthy, and nocturnal.

Personality; good, hardworking & handcrafting, preservation, loving of pleasure and music, industrious, noble, agricultural.

Northern and of the South Wind, timing and actions taken are commanding a crooked short ascension.

Rulership is Venus as Domicile, the Moon 3 is exalted. Mars finds themselves in Detriment here and no planets reach fall. In triplicity with the Moon and Venus and finding bounds for Mercury 9-14, Venus 1-8, Mars 28-30, Jupiter 15-22, Saturn 23-27. Decans; Moon, Mercury, and Saturn.

The house that is sign falls in is Weath bringing off the Cosmos. Ruling over the neck and tendons of the neck, and esophagus. Aliments that are considered involve swollen neck glands, suffocations, eye injuries and diseases, and skin issues that erupt.

Leo - The Lion

The characteristics of this sign are bestial, terrestrial, quadrupedal, semi-vocal, free & single, barren, lewd, and broken. Classified as; masculine, summery, fiery, and diurnal.

Personality; well-tempered, good, insubordinate, notable, hates work, intellectual, tyrannical or kingly, short-tempered, domineering, and arrogant.

Northern and of the East Wind, timing and actions taken are commanding a straight long ascension

Rularship is the Sun as Domicile, with no planets exalted. Saturn finds their detriment and no planets reach fall. In triplicity with the Sun and Jupiter and finding bounds for Mercury 19-24, Venus 7-11, Mars 25-30, Jupiter 1-6, Saturn 12-18. Decans; Mars, Jupiter, and Saturn.

The Heart of the cosmos, the heart itself, and all the this around it like the ribs, tendons, hips, and also the vascular effects to the eyes.

Scorpio - The Scorpion

The characteristics of this sign are bestial, terrestrial, scaly, fertile, broken, mute, single & servile, and cause of foul smells. Classified as; feminine, autumnal, watery, and nocturnal.

Personality; knavish, secret plotters, sorcery, cunning, insatiable, deep thinking, treacherous, rogue-like.

Southern and of the North Wind, timing and actions taken are straight & obeying a long ascension.

Rulership is Mars as domicile, with no planets exalted. Venus finds their detriment and the Moon 3 reaches fall. In triplicity with Venus & Mars and finding bounds for Mercury 12-19, Venus 8-11, Mars 1-7, Jupiter 20-24, Saturn 25-24. Decans; Sun, Venus, and Mars.

Scorpio is the fifth house of the cosmos, ruling over the genitals, bladder, groin, and buttocks. Ailments that can be noted are dimmed vision, tumors, cancers, kidney stones, and the development of fistulas.

Aquarius - The Water-bearer

The characteristics of this sign are human, winged, rational, vocal, unprolific, single & free, violent, wet, and very cold. Classified as; masculine, solid, wintery, airy, and diurnal.

Personality; fearful, single-minded, handicrafts, concealers, deceitful of opinion & truth, misanthropic, and malicious.

Southern and of the West Wind, timing and action taken are obeying & crooked short ascension.

Rulership is Saturn as domicile, with no planets exalted. The Sun finds their detriment and no planets reach fall. In triplicity with Mercury & Saturn and finding bounds for Mercury 1-7, Venus 8-3, Mars 21-25, Jupiter 14-20, Saturn 26-30. Decans; Moon, Mercury, and Venus.

Aquarius is the eighth house of the cosmos, which emphasizes the concern of death. Areas of the body are the shins, legs, and tendons of the lower legs. Ailments that could be considered of the body including but not limited to; arthritis, dopey, some mental illnesses, limb disabilities, incontinence, filariasis, edema, and jaundice.

Common or Mutable Modality

The common modality is ambivalent, variable, and combines the other two modes in a wavering, rapid impulse.

When examining these astrological signs, we tend to see a more adaptable nature with a focus on communication and flexibility. Common signs are often able to see multiple perspectives and are great at adapting to new situations. When framing the modes for Gemini, Virgo, Sagittarius, and Pisces, they are often seen as intelligent and curious, but can also be indecisive and inconsistent. The essence of adaptability should be placed on a spectrum with the qualities of elements and lords marking how the action is taken.

All of these signs are bicoporal meaning, of two bodies.

end of the seasons & change in climate

transitional

combines other modes

wavering

tendencies of inertia

multiplicity in action

flexible

adaptability

diversity in response

The objects associated with the common modality are everyday objects that have multiple uses; versatile, adaptable, and able to change direction easily aligning with the common modality's association with flexibility and adaptability. The events associated have multiple points of impact and are unpredictable and change rapidly.

Gemini - The Twins

The characteristics of this sign are human, winged, vocal & pleasing to the ear, barren, whole, dual & free, and rational. Classified as; masculine, spring, airy, and diurnal.

Personality; fond of discourse, articulate, teachers of voice, working in education & writing, interpreters, commerce, poetic, critics, occult matters, business, and wealth & currency.

Northern and of the (south) West Wind, timing and actions taken are commanding & crooked, short ascension.

Rulership is Mercury in domicile, with no plants exalted. Jupiter finds themselves in detriment, and no planets reach fall. In triplicity with Mercury and Saturn, and finding bounds for Mercury 1-6, Venus 13-17, Mars 18-24, Jupiter 7-12, and Saturn 25-30.

Aquarius is the 12th house of the cosmos and there are no illnesses directly connected to this sign in the references below, but the areas of the body connected to the sign are the hands, shoulders, arms and fingers.

Virgo - The Virgin

Characteristics of this sign are human, winged, barren, vocal, and dual & free. Classified as; feminine, summery, earthy, and nocturnal.

Personality; industrious & practices handicrafts, concerned with the body, modest, mystical, writers, calculating, occult matters, human shape of justice/moral shape of justice, and scrupulous.

Northern and of the South(west) Wind, timing and actions taken are commanding & straight long ascensions.

Rulership is Mercury in domicile, with Mercury exalted. Jupiter finds detriment, and Venus 27 reaches fall. In triplicity with Moon and Venus, and finding bounds for Mercury 1-7, Venus 8-17, Mars 22-28, Jupiter 18-21, and Saturn 29-30.

The cadence of the the cosmos and of the southwest, meaning within the metrics of falling sound and cadent houses. Hidden parts of the body, innards, upper intestines, loins, and belly.

Sagittarius - The Archer

The characteristics of this sign are human & bestial, terrestrial, second half quadrupedal, first half vocal & second half semi-vocal, broken, dual & free, and mysterious. Classifies as; masculine, autumnal, fiery, and diurnal.

Personality; critical, good & just, generous, great-souled, to lose and find things, loves reputation, riddling, authoritative, social fellowships, prevalence, and versatile.

Southern and of the East Wind, timing and actions taken are obeying & straight, long ascensions.

Rulership is Jupiter in domicile, with no planets exalted. Mercury finding detriment, with no planets reaching fall. In triplicity with Sun and Jupiter, and finding bounds for Mercury 18-21, Venus 13-17, Mars 27-30, Jupiter 1-12, and Saturn 22-26.

The cadence of the cosmos, meaning within the metrics of falling sound and cadent houses. The house of forced work or servitude lacking recognition. Ruling over the thighs and groin, with the possibilities of epilepsy, weak sight, baldness, falling from heights, danger from 4 legged animals, injury from barb like objects, animal attacks, extra limbs, and birthmarks.

Pisces - The Fishes

The characteristics of this sign are bestial, fertile, wet, aquatic, broken, mute, and dual & servile. Classifications are; feminine, wintery, watery, and nocturnal.

Personality; of two minds, turns things from bad to good, of/in service, inconsistent, erotic, wandering & dreamy, restless, working on/with water, complicated, sociable, and popular.

Southern and of the North Wind, timing and actions taken are obeying & crooked, short ascensions.

Rulerships is Jupiter in domicile, with Venus 27 exalted. Mercury finding detriment, and Mercury 15 reaching fall. In triplicity with Venus and Mars, and finding bounds for Mercury 17-19, Venus 1-12, Mars 20-28, Jupiter 13-16, and Saturn 29-30.

The good cadence of the cosmos, and the house of God. Ruling over the feet, ankles, sole of the feet, and tendons located here. Finding the possibilities of arthritis, poor posture, gout, diseases of the humors, vitamin c deficiency, STI’s and afflictions from debauchery.

Additional Notes to consider:

When terms like violent or destructive are used this is because the domicile or exalted planet is malefic.

Being whole implies strength, and that these signs are less liable to accidents.

Bestial codification notes on the core instinctual action of the individual.

Free versus servile; the implications of a free sign defines a poised posture, running, standing tall and to be servile or of servitude defines poor posture or slouching, sitting & fatigue, and possible wearyness of the mind.

In single form we consider independence and in dual form this is being with others/companionship.

Vocal is to be a good speaker, semi-vocal of few or select/disorganized verbal communication, and mute or the lacking of voice implies little speech, and stuttering through verbal communication.

Refrences to being unprolific, fertile, or barren is in relationship to the potentials of procreation.

Traits are assumed to be seen through the Asc and Moon sign weighted more heavily and subjectively—as both of the points signify the body.

Source Material:

Valens

Teucer of Babylon

Apotelesmatics

Rhetorius

Manilius

Encyclopedia of Astrology

[rraakkee]

hey i'm doing PWYW icon commissions for a bit while i try t get peepo to the vet 🥲✌️

icons, bc i dont have much time t do more complex pieces for money (MIGHT accept them on a case by case basis, ask). Minimum is US$15, which would get ya smn like a transparent headshot. obviously the more you pay the more you get (ie. more complex BGs, shading, alts??? feel free tell me what ya want). I'm capping it at US$40

takin' p4ypal n v3nmo. dm me if inch rested and/or reblog t spread da word 😎

here's my ko-fi as well if that's more your thing ! I offer doodles

will/wont draw n TOS under the cut

I can draw pretty much anything (humans/humanoids, animals/furries, object heads, fan art/characters, robots/mechs, etc.). but here's my list of no's:

× Strong Violence/Gore

Heavy injuries I can do, I just can't do blood/gut baths, it's not my strong suit

× Depictions of birds, bugs, or children in distress/pain

Anthro birds/bugs are fine, feral ones no

× Real People Fiction (RPF) 

Real, established relationships are fine. Shit like Slushmello isn't

× Any sole piece with more than four characters

× Pedophilic/Incestual/Non-con relationships in any context

I don't care for your technicalities or whatever stupid arguments you have to justify these things. This is nonnegotiable.

× Overly complex subjects

I love drawing things like weaponry n mechs, however by overly complex I mean things with extensive color palettes and/or very intricate detail. If you're unsure if your design(s) is/are too complex, feel free to show it to me so I can gauge it myself

× Anything offensive or bigoted 

this include N*zis or characters that look like they're inspired by them. I can't believe I have to say this

× Anything political 

I don't consider LGBTQ+ stuff n human rights in general "political" so those are fine

× Fan art of certain fandoms/people as well as fan characters of said fandoms (ask)

This is not a fully comprehensive list, merely a list of exclusions based on topics that are popular or relevant to me. Just because something isn't on it doesn't mean I can't reject your commission. Please respect my boundaries.

× If you want to ask about something not specifically mentioned here or have other inquiries, don't hesitate to ask! ×

===

TERMS N’ STUFF

• If I approve your commission(s), communications will be done via DM or email; I'll give you the necessary information depending on your preferences.

• Payments will ONLY be accepted via P4yPal or V3nmo. Payments will be made via P4yPal invoice or V3nmo link*. You must pay everything upfront before any work can be done.

          □ I do not offer discounts of any kind, nor do I allow clients to haggle. All prices are firm unless otherwise stated.

          □ *I will admit that I am new to Venmo and am referencing an online guide on how to use it. Please excuse any goofs!

• I send WIPs in three to four stages: sketch, linework, color, and, if applicable, shading. You can request up to three changes in sketch or linework phases for free. After that, I will charge a 20% fee per change.

          □ If changes are requested due to my own mistake, that is forgetting/misinterpreting something shown on the references given, the fee will not apply.

• Major alterations will not be permitted after approving linework without a fee that is 20% of the commission's price including extras. Examples of major alterations include but are not limited to: drastic change in character's pose or expression, extras (you will be charged appropriately), and basically anything that will vastly change how the finished product looks.

          □ Slight tweaks such as altering colors, mild changes in position/expression, and minor anatomy/line art fixes will not require a fee unless they are constant in which case the 20% fee will also be applied.

• I will set up a separate document that details my commission queue; you will also see the status of your commission there.

• ETA should be no more than two weeks; of course, it can vary based on how life treats me. I have depression and hypotension, so that also affects how quickly I can work.

          □  I'm iffy about deadlines, but if it's reasonable, I'll do it. Note that commissions with deadlines may be subject to a rush fee depending on how quick you want it and how big my queue is.

• I will update everyone if a situation arises where commissions may be delayed. In extreme cases, you may be liable for a refund.

• If I am unable to complete a commission or you decide not to go with it before I send a sketch, you are entitled to a full refund. For any other circumstance, refunds will be partial, except in the case where the commission is complete, where which you will not be given one. This is non-negotiable.

□ You will not be allowed to use the art you ordered under any circumstance if you decide to go with the refund.

• ONLY THE CLIENT has the right to use the finished piece as they like non-commercially, but they must credit me. 

          □ If you wish to repost the full piece to personal accounts, it must be the watermarked version, and, of course, there must be credit somewhere in the image description. This is to deter potential art theft.

          □ We can discuss commercial usage if desired; note that this will come with a 100%-300% price increase depending on how you want to use it.

□ I do not permit the use of any art I make for the creation of non-fungible tokens (NFTs), regardless of whether or not credit or royalties are given to me.

• I reserve the right to deny a commission for any reason even if it may follow the guidelines. Note that I do not have to explain the exact reasons why I do not wish to do business with you, and any misconduct that arises from this can and will get you blacklisted.

• If I feel as though you have breached the terms in any way and/or have failed to cooperate with me in a professional manner, I reserve the right to blacklist you from further transactions.

By commissioning me, you hereby agree that you have read and comprehended the terms that were just listed. If you find an issue with any part of these terms, do not commission me.

[thewholedamnboulangerie]

I was tagged by @bisexualbard-writes my beloved to post 5 things I like about myself!!! Thank youuuuuu ☀️🦦💖🪐🥰

I have a pretty good sense of direction, and oh my god when I was younger I did NOT appreciate this enough. I don't have the innate sense of where north is that some people do, but (particularly if I'm travelling in right angles, not in curved lines) I can usually keep track of the general direction I'm going in with a lot of accuracy, and I can read maps super easily and remember the exact routes I've taken before, provided they aren't too complicated!! It is a vvv useful skill and I LOVE it.

I am very good at picking up foreign languages! Comparatively speaking I haven't made much progress with Thai, given that I've been semi-immersed in it for close to a year and a half by now, but that's mainly because I've just been learning via osmosis rather than putting any actual effort in whatsoever. Still, I can usually understand any really simple sentences without much trouble and pick out at least a few words of the more complex ones when I'm watching something in Thai now, so that's something!! (Also, my duolingo streak is currently at 951 days!)

I am quite judicious, just as a general rule (...with the notable exception of What Time To Go To Bed). As in: I don't tend to act rashly, or speak tactlessly, but for the most part I'm also fairly good at steering clear of the level of caution that just saps joy and stirs up anxiety rather than actually being beneficial. This is not to say that I always make sensible decisions - far from it! I am always making objectively silly decisions! But since my objectively silly decisions tend to be for the purposes of indulging in the delights, as long as they fulfil that goal and don't cause any collateral damage that's too insane, I'm usually happy to consider them subjectively Correct decisions (with - and I really and truly CANNOT stress this enough - the exception of absolutely any decision related to sleeping habits 💀).

I am SO good at platonically matchmaking my friends!! I love to introduce my friends to each other, or throw them into groupchats together, or (on one memorable occasion) drag the blorbos from my tumblr dashboard AND the blorbos from my workplace to the theatre together! And then watch as they all instantly imprint on each other like lil ducklings!!! This has happened so many times and it is my favourite thing every single time! (And of course, the fact that my own taste in friends is so elite is almost certainly a contributory factor to how well they always get along. All of you are so so good and lovely! ❤️)

I am very good at directing my gaze. By which I mean several things!! First of all: I AM ALWAYS PERCEIVING. When it comes to things I care about and enjoy, I am noticing details! I am connecting dots! I am picking up on hidden meanings! I am spotting clues and interpreting them! I am reading your tags with fluency and delight even though you censored them and miscounted the asterisks! I am remembering that thing you said five months ago and bringing it up again at the funniest possible moment!!! My brain is Kim Theerapanyakul's murderboard and it is covered EXCLUSIVELY in all the things that are shiniest and most precious To Me and I am solving their mysteries!!! Secondly: when it comes to the worst parts of fandom culture, I am never perceiving. If there is a bad take, I will simply not see it. If I do see it, I will simply forget about it in 3 minutes flat. No cursed opinion has any power over me because I shall simply magnetically repel it thank you goodbye xoxo Most importantly: I am a very firm believer that life is always terrible and also that life is simultaneously always wonderful. Both are true at all times; it just depends where you're looking. And sometimes life inevitably forces your gaze towards the most terrible things the world has to offer, and there's no choice but to engage with them. But when given the choice, I like to think that I'm pretty good at directing my gaze towards the wonderful end of the scale. The everyday delights are my best friends and hopefully they always will be!

Tagging a few blorbos from my dashboard who I don't thiiiiiiink have been tagged in this yet: @divorcedmalewife, @fallen-robin, @youneedtolightenup, @yourrescuemission, @diamondcrystals, @thevorelock, @guntapon, @nangong-shunu

[lothiriel84]

How She Would Love

John scoffed, and looked away from her. “About as enjoyable as running the household, perhaps. Margaret, you need not pretend – Heaven knows I am not so selfish as to hold such a thing against you.”

A North and South ficlet. Asexual!Margaret Hale.

Caught in the whirlwind of preparations, Margaret spared very little thought for the practicalities of what naturally followed the church ceremony and the wedding breakfast. Sure enough, she had had to bear through Aunt Shaw’s grim yet frustratingly vague admonishments with regards to her wifely duties; and while Edith’s hushed confidences had brought little more enlightenment pertaining the subject, her cousin had at least left her with the impression that the whole affair was far from the unpleasant ordeal that had been thus impressed upon her – and that it might even prove to be the most pleasant among her duties, provided that her husband knew what he was about.

As it happened, it was Mrs Thornton  who took it upon herself to impart some clear, matter-of-fact instructions detailing the particulars of marital relations, as well as how to go about pleasing one’s husband in a manner that might result in the mutual satisfaction for all parties involved – and more importantly, in the creation of children, which was of course the primary objective such an act had been ordained for in the first place.

On their wedding night, Margaret’s sense of propriety warred with the most lively of curiosities as her newly wedded husband let himself into her rooms, and guided her to the imposing bed where he would make her his wife in every way. There was some discomfort, just as Aunt Shaw had warned; and yet, as John moved above her – inside of her – she knew nothing but a great sense of tenderness, for she was the one who was allowed to see him like this, vulnerable and trembling as if caught in the throes of something that transcended their corporeal forms.

When she saw he was finished, she placed a soft kiss to his brow and thanked him for being there with her; didn’t think too much of his mumbled promise that he would do better by her the next time.

John’s nightly visits became as welcome a part of their new life together as their evening conversations and all other normal intimacies between husband and wife. She could not fully understand her husband’s fretfulness at times; it was as if he was convinced that she was somewhat displeased with his attentions, despite her repeated assurances that she was a most willing participant in everything that took place within the confines of their marriage bed.

Again, she thought nothing of it, until he began pleading his workload as an excuse for coming home later and later each evening, and his tiredness as the reason for him to retire immediately after dinner, alone. It was on one such evenings that Margaret decided this state of things had been allowed to continue long enough, and steadfastly refused to turn her cheek for John to press his customary goodnight kiss.

“If I have done something wrong, I wish you would speak plainly,” she stated in a quiet, firm tone, determined as she was to hold back the tears threatening her composure.

Her husband startled, looking as if astonished at such an assumption on her part. “You must know you did not. Whatever gave you the idea?”

Margaret bit her lip in a desperate bid to control her frustration. “You haven’t come to me once this past fortnight. I understand your concerns about the state of trade and suchlike, but that hardly ever stopped you, before.”

He glanced down at her, a maelstrom of emotions clearly painted on his features, only abating as he ran a weary hand across his face. “I – would not wish to impose. I know what a great sacrifice it is for you, and I am doing my best to spare you the indignity of – refusing what is very clearly given under duress.”

She blanched, feeling every bit as if she had been slapped. “I do not understand a word of which you speak, husband. Have I not made it plain to you, time and time again, that all which we do as husband and wife is in no way an imposition, and as enjoyable to me as all other obligations to you as your wife?”

John scoffed, and looked away from her. “About as enjoyable as running the household, perhaps. Margaret, you need not pretend – Heaven knows I am not so selfish as to hold such a thing against you.”

Angrily, she wiped at the treacherous tears that had started running down her cheeks. “Does my word hold so little weight with you that you would dismiss it out of hand? Or perhaps you think me a liar – that must be it, after the falsehood you heard me maintain for so long about the true course of events on that cursed evening at Outwood Station.”

“Never!” he exclaimed at once, reaching for her hands as if in supplication. “I know you to be as honest and steadfast as it comes, my love. But as you yourself make mention of Outwood Station, you must see how your readiness to sacrifice yourself for the sake of those you love is indelibly impressed upon my mind.”

“I thank you for your concern,” she replied somewhat dryly. “You are right that I would face many a hardship for the continued comfort and wellbeing of my husband; however, our marital duties hardly fall under that description, and besides, I would not have you deprive us of the blessing of children, not even if it were as onerous a task for me as you seem to believe.”

John was silent for a very long time, evidently giving careful consideration to all she had just said. “Forgive me, Margaret; I am but a fool, and as such, I dared to hope – that is to say, as we married for love, I believed you might share something of the passion you inspired in me, in your own womanly way.”

“But I do! Surely you can see, you must see how I love you more than life itself.”

“I am speaking,” he sighed, yet plunged on, “of the kind of passion that drives a man to distraction, makes him powerless in the face of his need for his wife – so much he can scarcely think of little else but his constant desire to lie with her, as a husband.”

Margaret considered, then eventually shook her head. “I may not rightly understand the peculiar sort of distraction of which you speak – indeed, it would be most impractical, I should think – but all of that has very little bearing in my own earnest wish to share the comfort of my bed with you. It is not merely out of a sense of obligation – though I hope I am not a coward, and would not shrink from it if it were; I am pleased with you as a husband in every respect, and that includes those particular intimacies reserved especially for the bedchamber.”

John studied her quietly, as if intent on gauging the true nature of her feelings, and she met his penetrating gaze with equal frankness. She could see him relent after a while, went willingly when he closed the distance between them to gather her in his arms.

“Take me to bed, husband,” she murmured to his ear; and later that night, when he curled up around her in his exhaustion and fell asleep at once despite his better intentions, she felt sure there could be no greater joy for her than to be with him like this.

[templevirgin]

Daily Reading: Friday of the Tenth Week in Ordinary Time

Matthew 5:27-32

Jesus said to his disciples: “You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ But I say to you, everyone who looks at a woman with lust has already committed adultery with her in his heart. If your right eye causes you to sin, tear it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one of your members than to have your whole body thrown into Gehenna. And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one of your members than to have your whole body go into Gehenna. It was also said, ‘Whoever divorces his wife must give her a bill of divorce.’ But I say to you, whoever divorces his wife (unless the marriage is unlawful) causes her to commit adultery, and whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery.”

Introductory Prayer: Lord Jesus, today I will contemplate your love in action. You continually go out of your way to make your presence felt in my life, and I am very grateful. Thank you, Lord, for another day; it is another opportunity to deepen my love and friendship with you.

Petition: A clean heart create for me, God; renew within me a steadfast spirit. (Ps 51:12)

Reflections

1. Guard Your Eyes: Concerning purity of heart, Jesus takes this demand for purity a step further than the Old Testament. He teaches that to even look at a woman with lust in your heart, seeing her as merely an object to satisfy your lustful desires, is seriously sinful. Jesus does not say that it is sinful to simply recognize a woman as beautiful, or by extension, a woman recognizing a man as handsome. It is when we see the other as an object and have impure thoughts about them that we give in to sin. In other words, the temptation itself is not a sin; it is when we accept that temptation into our heart and give it a home by willfully playing with it in our mind that we step over the line. Lord Jesus, it’s so easy to grant myself concessions in this area, but with your aid I will be firm in my resolve to guard my senses, remembering an adage from the computer age: “Garbage in, garbage out!”

2. If It Puts Your Soul in Danger, It’s Got to Go: Christ’s call to holy purity, like every other virtue, is eminently positive. “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind” (Mt 22:37). Purity is a consequence of the love that prompts us to commit to Christ our soul and body, our faculties and senses. Jesus uses the images of “right eye” and “right hand” to refer to that which we value most. He is telling us that if that which we value most in life has become a stumbling block in our relationship with the Lord, then, simply put, it’s got to go. It is far better to lose a possession or a position or to break off a relationship than to risk the eternal salvation of our soul. We must be prepared to fight for righteousness with all of our strength, being ready to eliminate whatever could clearly lead us to offend the Lord.

3. And the Two Shall Become One: Jesus re-established the principle of the absolute indissolubility of marriage, a principle that has been unhesitatingly taught by the Church from the very beginning. Pope Pius XI reminded us in Casti Connubii (December 31, 1930) about the immutable and inviolable truth that “matrimony was not instituted or re-established by men, but by God… Consequently, those laws can in no way be subject to human wills or to any contrary pact made even by the contracting parties. This is the teaching of Sacred Scripture; it is the constant and universal Tradition of the Church.” Marriage endures until death though the love may last forever. What God has joined together, let nothing separate. Am I living my marriage as a covenant? Do I treat my spouse with respect and affection? Do I dedicate my heart, time, and energy to cultivating our love, so it will endure and flourish?

Prayer: Lord Jesus, I want to live with purity, and I know that this requires a strong will and a constant effort in this world that encourages instant gratification of the senses. Give me the strength in particular to guard my eyes and control my imagination. Help me to be exquisitely faithful to my spouse.

Resolution: I will promote the virtue of purity in my personal life and set a good example for others by incorporating into my lifestyle the time-tested ascetical methods that the Church has proposed to us down through the ages: frequent confession and Communion; devotion to Our Lady; a spirit of prayer and mortification; guarding of the senses; flight from occasions of sin; and striving to avoid idleness by always being engaged in doing useful things.

[creativeenquirypiotrgacmenga]

26/30 Critical Review

I am a firm believer that art has a purpose, one to evoke feelings, as well as having the power to generate discourse on a variety of subjects, whether the viewer is prompted to or not. The same can be said with everyday objects. It is safe to assume that even the most miniscule and disregarded objects can induce an emotion in a person and:

bring philosophy down to earth. When we focus on objects, physicians and philosophers, psychologists and designers, artists and engineers are able to find common ground in everyday experience (Turkle, 2007, p.08).

My Creative Enquiry module looks to investigate this common ground, through works that explore uncanny sensations, whilst utilising objects that, in my eyes, are alluring, and hold power. Philosopher Jane Bennett describes these objects perfectly in Vibrant Matter, they are, “vibratory - at one moment disclosing themselves as dead stuff and at the next as live presence: junk, then claimant; inert matter, then live wire.” (2010, p.05). Whilst walking, I often find myself gazing at the abundance of debris around me, in the hopes of finding something that elicits a feeling in me. These feelings are hard to explain; they are an excitement, an appreciation, a satisfaction. I keep walking, keep looking, rarely stumbling upon these objects. I am very particular. Sometimes I will pass rubbish, a discarded packet of crisps for example, and view it as just that, a discarded packet of crisps. Other times, the packet will speak to me, through its arrangement, its interactions with its surroundings, inciting feelings of satisfaction. These objects are either collected, if applicable, or recorded in a catalogue where they are captured through photography, in that given moment. I plan on displaying this catalogue, allowing viewers to come up with their own dialogues with these objects, just like I have.

My practice has stagnated of late; the objects I yearn for fail to appear, slowing down the making process and resulting in works that are not as successful. This gives me an opportunity to look back on the objects I never physically collected, the ones I only hold skewed memories of, prompting the memory series of works. The most memorable is the trilby hat I passed on the M8 on the bus for around two months. The hat was black and sat right next to the kerb of an overpass. I gained an attachment to this hat, purposely waiting to look at it for a split second from the window of the bus. One day however, it was gone. It might sound silly to be upset about the disappearance of a discarded object that I never owned, but I held a dialogue with the hat; there was an agreement between us, we would never cross paths. At times, I wanted to stop on the motorway in the early hours of the morning while traffic was scarce to pick the hat up. There was always a reluctance, perhaps for my safety, or for the fact that the hat would no longer be ‘the hat on the motorway’, but the dirty old hat I now had my hands on. On the other hand, a broken bollard from outside the college building, remained. As to not have events repeat themselves, I collected the bollard, not easily I want to add, and it will play a key role in my final submission.

As aforementioned, my wish is to incite uncanny sensations within my work, purposely exploring themes of the double. The double, deriving from Otto Rank’s ‘der doppelganger’,  is a key component in uncanny theory, based on the unnatural phenomenon of witnessing one’s own replica (Barnstone, 2016, p.01). This has led to questions about whether all art, has a doubling effect. Philosopher Emmanuel Levinas believes art acts as a mimicry of its subject, a trace of a moment in time, whether physical, conceptual, or emotional (1989, pp. 137-138). This is an interesting stance to take, however one that makes a lot of sense. Art in its simplest form is a physical and indexical representation of the artists thoughts and actions at that given moment. This is uncanny as normally, we don’t have the ability to stop time. Emotive and alluring objects also have the ability to return a viewer, or owner of said object, back to a certain time, helping them relive past memories or emotions, as if they were happening for the first time.

Over the course of the academic year, I have been creating life-like casts and sculptural forms of my own body, I have a particular interest in the hand, with which I am able to generate uncanny sensations for myself, as well as hopefully the viewer. It is easy to get carried away trying to make something scary and/or abject; but that is not uncanny. Founding father of the theory, Ernst Jentsch (1906, p.08), defines the uncanny as a word used to describe feelings of unease, confusion, or feeling out of place due to something that is foreign to us. Psychoanalyst Sigmund Freud disagrees however, stating it revolves around something we are accustomed to, yet find alien in that given moment, a juxtaposition of emotion (1919,pp.01-02). Clearly, there is vast discourse on the exact definition of the uncanny, something that Freud himself mentions in his seminal text on the topic. What is clear however, is that the uncanny can be used as a tool to elicit strong emotions in a viewer. Practicing multi-media artist Natascha Diels sees the uncanny as a tool for exploiting and altering a person’s emotions (2014, p.75). She is not alone; many artists utilise feelings of discomfort in viewers, especially through the double, one of them being British sculptor Antony Gormley, a major influence for this modules outcomes. Gormley is known for his meticulous and intimate body casting technique of being tightly wrapped in cling film, then plaster covered scrim, to create his own doubles in masses (White Cube, n.d.). He describes this practice as  “an embodied moment of human time captured in matter” (Gormley quoted by White Cube, n.d.). These works are displayed simultaneously as gallery pieces, and site-specific installations, like 6 Times, situated along the Water of Leith. When viewing these figures, it is easy to mistake them for real humans, but we are brought back to reality when realising they are ‘lifeless’. Casting my own body, my own hand in particular, is an attempt to generate uncanny sensations in viewers. The use of plaster and cement, two unnatural materials, helps to create a juxtaposition with the natural hand, an object we are accustomed to. Viewing these hands in a completely different setting to normal should aid with this phenomenon. 

When these two strands of research amalgamate, in the form of what I like to call 3D collage, the viewer is met with uncanny sensations, as well as an internal critique or discourse of the included objects. This body of work is heavily influenced by Claude Levi-Strauss’ discussion on bricolage, a term that in the context of art, describes the practice of using the materials you have, for diverging purposes (Tate, 2017), as well as general assemblage methods of combining materials that have been discarded or have lost their intended purpose. Reclaiming leftover clay from previous students has played a key role in this way of working, with it being used both as a sculptural material, as well as a substrate for press moulding. I think it is really fascinating that the clay I am using had a previous purpose and life, linking with my research of the power of objects.

My practice over the last four years has seemed to, almost in all cases, utilise the hand in one way or another, and it makes a reappearance here once again. I do not see the hand as a way to convey a thought, or ideas of touch, intimacy, and connection; instead I find myself drawn to using the hand as the subject matter of the work perhaps for a more personal reason. In his book-long study of the uncanny, Nicolas Royle touches on Freud’s strange yet important admission that delving into the topic of the uncanny is unnatural for him and is somewhat impulsive but felt necessary (2003, p.07). Could this relate to my own situation? Is there something uncanny about the decision to use the hand in my work? Can I classify my hand as an evocative object? Right now, I do not have a definitive answer. I think the hand is edging towards that area however, being an object I have fixated on and relied on for artistic inspiration, and one I hope to continue researching beyond my BA.

Bibliography

Barnstone, D.A. (2016). The Doppelgänger. Oxford: Peter Lang, Cop.

Bennett, J. (2010). Vibrant Matter. Duke University Press.

Dezauze, A. (2008). Assemblage, Bricolage, and the Practice of Everyday Life. Art Journal, [online] 67(1), pp.31–37. Available at: https://www.jstor.org/stable/20068580.

Diels, N. (2014). Art and the Uncanny: Tapping the Potential. Leonardo Music Journal, 24(24), pp.75–77.

Freud, S. (1919). The ‘Uncanny’. [online] Available at: https://web.mit.edu/allanmc/www/freud1.pdf.

Jentsch, E. (1997). On the psychology of the uncanny (1906). Angelaki, 2(1), pp.7–16.

Levinas, E. (1989). Reality and its Shadow. The Levinas Reader. [online] pp.129–143. Available at: https://monoskop.org/images/f/f9/The_Levinas_Reader_1989.pdf.

Levi-Strauss, C. (1962). The Savage Mind. The Garden City Press Limited.

Royle, N. (2003). The Uncanny. Manchester University Press.

Tate (2017). Bricolage – Art Term | Tate. [online] Tate. Available at: https://www.tate.org.uk/art/art-terms/b/bricolage.

Turkle, S. (2007). Evocative Objects. MIT Press.

White Cube. (n.d.). Antony Gormley. [online] Available at: https://www.whitecube.com/artists/antony-gormley.

[snow-and-saltea]

About your personal post - people without depression can say weird and disheartening things about it because they don't understand, so when I was at my worst, I ended up talking instead to people I didn't know (like free helplines) because then if they said something unhelpful/upsetting, I didn't take it so personally and it didn't undermine a relationship. I could get the stuff off my chest, then when I felt a bit better, could then go back to communicating with people I actually knew. I don't know if this might be helpful but it definitely was to me, because people can accidentally be so awful without meaning to. That said, please do reach out for help in some form - things will improve even if it doesn't feel like it now. Sending you all the best <3

(i privated the personal vent post so this looks out of context but)

thank you for this really sincere and kind response anon :'))

mhmm. i think what helped ground me now, i guess, was the reminder that they're still trying to help me and their perspective is no more or less important than my own. and that they're not an evil or bad person (hence they aren't setting out to hurt me on purpose) and neither am i for disagreeing. if we have the same goal of helping me, the power to redirect or reroute advice is as much as in my hands as it with the other person. i think i made myself too passive of an object (something being done to me, as opposed to a subject, doing something in the world) and i was too caught up in the quagmire of my own mind about how i feel about being an object, the emotional politics of things and their role in this mental warfare ive somehow concocted, rather than if i had just switched gears to become a subject. is this explanation easy to follow? hopefully it does!! sjdhskdhskfjdkfk the way my mind works is not very easy to explain or understand because i am constantly very meta about my thoughts and it creates complications that i have to take time to unravel, so i decided to go for levity (kinda, i can never be quite as concise as normal people).

with that outta the way though, what you said did give me pause and i thought was really insightful, thank you! i think one of the reasons i found it difficult to disagree with them is because we have a history or connection of some kind that allows for misunderstanding to flower really easily, and because humans personalise everything, its not easy to be a detached, easy going person who is both balancing taking me seriously + being kind and understanding with no serious lines about where it should end bc of nebulosity (and that leads to feeling impatient and exhausted acting against your natural disposition or instinct. which is what i also felt i was the victim of, so to subject someone else to that situation would be hypocritical of me and so i know its not the right perspective i should latch to).

that kinda went into multiple strands of thoughts ajdhskdj but the bottom line is, yeah! i agree with your advice, its very helpful. i often feel fearful of going to talk to people who i know will agree and or understand my stance, because i am always very wary of behaviours that lead to false honesty for myself. false honesty as in... i can say whatever i want and it'll technically be the truth, but its not an accurate summation of reality or what actually happened, and so i always feel wary about confiding in people with just my side of the story because i worry about my influence on other people's biases that would lead them to agree with me, and i don't like being right on the sole fact that i was convincing enough (simply by virtue of being confident or emotionally charged and firm in my interpretation of reality / the situation). i think ill have to strike a balance between finding the appropriate and relevant amount of context to solicit advice, but also not too much perspective that i get muddled with ideas that are not my own and get confused on what are my feelings and what aren't. and also!! i guess!! i just need to have (temporary, but fruitful) trust in whoever im talking to that they are a person with their own life experiences that inform their judgement, and not everything hinges on me being completely unbiased (bc its an impossible bar to reach even at the best of times) and that they have their own reasonings that remain unaffected by how i speak. if there's a gap in information, they can ask it, and i can volunteer it, and there doesn't need to be me overexplaining everything at the same time with multiple parantheses and caveats jwhksjdkd its something im prone to doing.

now that im more clear-headed, i can see how both ways of asking advice can have pros and cons. asking advice from someone i don't know relies on the universality of "common sense" and social instincts/principles of what is appropriate and inappropriate and it can help to simplify the matter to the essential thing at the center most point, and it can help me figure out if i'm overcomplicating things by thinking too much about accommodating personality quirks and letting the wrong thing slide / personalising it too much w my own perspective. it risks oversimplifying a lot of things, but it also can be grounding with reminding me if a situation can / SHOULD be as straightforward as it looks, and all that.

whereas asking advice from someone i do know, its a lot more personal because that person probably knows things about me i don't or they know things about me that i overlook or disown / dismiss that they think are noteworthy. whether or not they're valid points of concern is another topic, but the point is, contextualising things and advice so that it is something that i will most likely follow / need to hear for me specifically is important because it gives more basis as to where they're coming from, bc they're not saying stuff blindly. although, yeah, they can be pretty hurtful when they come from or are delivered badly because i feel like. "why are you saying this to me knowingly!! why are you hurting my feelings on purpose!! don't you know i don't like that!!" and there's a higher standard i have for people i know / have a close connection to because its tangled in a lot of history. the same goes the other way around, i also find it difficult to disagree on a purely logical perspective of "i don't agree with what you're saying about this" and its hard for them to not feel like they're being dismissed or to not take it personally, especially if they were passionate about being helpful.

i guess it's just the balancing act we have to do, so there's no other way to do it than to do it, even if badly. its ... tiring and daunting realising the potential each individual has to cause hurt, but i just have to trust that the world will spin as it always does, and i have to spin along with it, albeit imperfectly and clumsily.

once again, thank you for going out of your way to send a kind message when i was in the Depths of it, i truly appreciate it. seeing your message in my inbox made me weepy when i saw it, i felt very touched. squeezes you, i hope you have a wonderful week ahead of you, friend 💛🐢

[lifeinslowmo]

Stalling

You’re afraid of death, and you can’t be.

You’ve got to accept the fact that everything we do here,

everything …is a stall.

We’re just trying to keep the game going, that’s it.

But ultimately, it always ends up the same way.

Scrubs, Season 1 Episode 4

So, lately I’ve been stalling.

At least it feels that way.

I’ve been putting off writing a blog, and here are three reasons why.

But first, let me just say that every reason here will sound like an excuse –especially to someone like me, who is a firm believer in “kapag gusto, may paraan; kapag ayaw, maraming dahilan”.  So, to save anyone from arguing with me on how inadmissible in court all my reasons are, I will be my own devil’s advocate and will object to every point’s validity.

The reasons are ranked, with no apparent criteria for ranking.

#3: I am busy.

Busy trying to earn enough to pay the bills and give compensation to the people who make sure I don’t kill myself accidentally or deliberately.

Why this is a load of cr**: Since my condition (or perhaps my medication) allows me only 2 to 4 hours of sleep every day, I have managed to binge watch a lot of shows (some, like Ted Lasso, more than once.) I have meticulously created Spotify playlists that each have 24 hours of songs. I have mastered Wordle. And I am re-reading my Nancy Drews.

So, I guess I am not that busy.

#2: I have nothing to say.

What’s there to talk about? Parkinson’s is too depressing, my social life or lack thereof, even more so. My career, although it had its ups, wasn’t scintillating, nothing to brag about. My home situation is too stressful to even mention.

Why this is b***sh**: Anybody who really knows me, and who happens to be drinking right now, has probably snorted the beverage out of his nose upon reading my second reason. Because I always have something to say. It may be a piece of trivia, an anecdote, an opinion, a judgment, or a segue to another topic that is not even remotely related to the subject at hand. It may not be interesting, or fresh, but there is always something.

#1: I am physically unable to maintain a blog.

Lately, I’ve been relying on someone more and more to type stuff for me.

At first, it was just on my mobile. I’m not sure why, but I always end up pressing the wrong keys. Maybe it’s because my illness affects…well, obliterates is probably the more appropriate term, my depth perception.

Pretty soon, it started happening when I type on the laptop as well. I can still do it, but I have to look at the keys all the time. Which was manageable, until my vision got blurry.  And my fingers would stiffen. And my body would bend so much to the right a la Pilita Corrales, which may serve me well if I were singing, but definitely presents difficulties in typing.

Why this doesn’t hold water: I am the one who typed this entire blog entry.

So here is the first installment* of my Life in Slow Motion.

The entries will be full of ramblings and musings, mostly about a very lackluster life.

But hey, if you’re just whiling away the time, why don’t you come stall with me?

*Hmm, curiously enough, the word installment has the word stall in between in and me(nt).

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25. Reflections about light and matrix

I will try to explain about the light. Light is a projector. You know there is a saying, “Came to light”? What if I go ahead and hide from the light? I will disappear. What if I create a very dark space with no light and enter it? Am I supposed to disappear? By logic, I should disappear if there is no light in there. But is it going to happen? No. Why? Because even if I am inside the object and it is dark inside, the light is still shining on the object. That’s the deal. You need to sit down and puzzle your brains over the subject of light. Light is everywhere; it is covering the entire earth. If I turn the lights off in a room, the light is present anyway. The vital energy is there anyway. Otherwise, everything that is created wouldn’t exist. I am not sure how exactly it works. Don’t worry if you don’t understand it now. I will talk about it more later when your mindset expands. Your psyche will open more, and you will have insights from my information. You might think about the light again. Did I mention ruby and light? If you want to study light, research about lasers. When I had laser pointers in my childhood, I always wondered how they worked. I heard that they used ruby, but I don’t know. Maybe they use something else. But how cool is it that this laser device produces such a bright and long ray of light? There must be a structure that transforms energy into a firm red dot. The same principle of the matrix works with ruby.

Plants also have captures of the light, like stones. You can collect twelve plants, and they will have a certain energy. This is how potions and elixirs work. You can take honey, bee pollen and ginger, for example. I am making up an imaginary recipe, just to give an example. Each plant has a matrix, three dots and a line, four dots and a line, and by combining all these structures, you create a new matrix. And you eat or drink this matrix. Are you with me? This is alchemy. If I am a future ruler, I am being given this information in a very fascinating way. Regular people study and memorize information that they don’t understand. They just memorized it by heart and have no clue about the essence of it. As for me, I came across it naturally. I don’t think about it; the knowledge is embedded inside of me, and I just know what is good and what is bad. Are you with me? They are growing a code inside of me. Creating philosopher’s stone, an alchemy that all initiated people have always known. I am getting initiated, and I initiate people myself.