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magniloquent-raven · 1 year ago

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I am once again plagued with thoughts that aren't 100% coherent so imma just ramble for a bit, pls gather 'round for some stuff about Billy and body image issues cuz I'm in my feels rn.

Billy spends a lot of time staring at Nancy.

Enough that Tommy's noticed and he starts ribbing him about it. "That's one thing of Steve's you might want to stay away from," bitter and pointed. Enough that Jonathan Byers gives him the stink eye whenever he's within glaring distance. Enough that a handful of the more desperate chicks still high off the fumes of his New Kid smell have started dressing like fucking librarians in hopes of catching his eye.

He doesn't give a shit about any of it, if anything the rumour mill is helping him out for once. Less work involved in keeping up appearances if everyone just assumes he isn't sleeping around because he's too busy sniffing Wheeler's granny panties.

As long as no one guesses the real reason, it's fine. It's fucking peachy. It's one silver lining in this shitstorm of a situation.

He's so tired of his eyes inevitably being drawn to her barely-there tits and tiny waist. Every time he's bored at lunch, his gaze wanders. When he's in the library pretending to study, there she fucking is, even smaller when she's hunched over a pile of cue cards.

The longer he looks at her the more sure he is that Steve will never really want him.

Steve's slept with plenty of girls. A variety of girls. He probably couldn't afford to be too picky in this shitty little town. But he's only fallen in love once. One time. The only time it mattered what he was sticking his dick in was when it was in Nancy Wheeler.

And Billy...will never be her. Not even close.

He'll only ever be a warm mouth and a convenient hand, he'll never matter.

She's flat, and thin. Willowy, narrow-shouldered. Petite. Inches shorter than him and nearly half as broad. Thin fingers and delicate wrists. She fit comfortably under Steve's arm, she could nestle safely into his side.

And it was all so fucking easy for her. She never had to try.

She never had to piss off her dad so she'd be forced to skip meals. She never did laps around her neighbourhood until she was lightheaded and doubled over, dry-heaving in someone's hedge. She was never forced to sign up for baseball as a child, poked and prodded and guilted into it because a couple shirts were starting to get tight across the stomach, and being a momma's boy was bad enough, being a fat, lazy piece of shit too was unacceptable.

He used to think he'd done well, maintaining the physique he has. He's worked hard for it. Scraping together his savings for a weight set and keeping careful track of his calorie intake and never skipping a single fucking day of exercise, hangovers and broken bones be damned. And it's fucking useful, truth be told. More than keeping away the echo of old insults bouncing around in his head, it's made flirting that much easier.

But the more he looks at Nancy Wheeler, the more he hates the things he can't change. It gets into his head. Digs in deep, leaving scars on its way down.

He thinks Steve might've noticed.

He knows Steve has heard the stupid rumours about Wheeler, and probably chalked it up to Billy being an asshole, as usual. But it's harder to explain away his sudden tendency to go extremely still whenever Steve puts his hands anywhere on his torso. A palm pressed to his chest, slipped under his shirt, or fingertips digging into his back, or a casual fucking pat on the shoulder—whatever it is, he can't help freezing up, if only for a second, a sick feeling twisting his stomach, cold and shameful and clawing at his lungs.

And then, eventually, they argue.

It's over nothing. And everything. Billy can't explain what his fucking damage is, and Steve can't stop needling in the wrong places. They scream at each other until their throats are raw and Billy leaves when his knuckles start to itch.

He cries all the way home and doesn't eat for four days. Not on purpose. Not consciously. He's just. Fucking. Busy. He's busy. He's always gotta drive Max somewhere or dodge Neil's thinly veiled threats or lock himself in his room when bile starts to bubble up in the back of his throat and his head pounds and he doesn't think about why he's snapping at everyone constantly, he just pounds back a couple beers and goes to sleep. And then it's four days later, and he's flying off the handle at Neil, too sluggish and lightheaded to see the hit coming, and...

Steve comes to see him at the hospital. He hasn't told anyone anything but they've got him hooked up to a banana bag and the nurses keep making sad eyes at him when they come to check his stitches.

He hates it, sitting around doing nothing, being closely monitored every fucking second, it make his skin crawl, and he hates it even more when Steve's standing in the doorway looking at him.

Not for the first time, he's overwhelmed wondering what exactly Steve sees.

He's a fucking mess right now. Greasy hair tangled at the back, bruises peeking out from under the collar of his gross papery hospital gown, one eye swollen shut and a dark tangle of thread holding his eyebrow together. It feels stupid to get stressed about all the shit that usually bothers him when there's so many other things to worry about, but he still finds himself shifting in place, hunching his shoulders, hiding his hands in the crooks of his elbows.

It's sort of a disaster. Worse than last time they saw each other. Billy's not in the mood for Steve's apologies and Steve's at a loss for what else to say.

They don't see each other again for months. Steve graduates. Billy avoids anywhere he thinks Steve might be, and lies awake at night haunted by stolen touches.

He catches a glimpse of Steve through the red haze of storm clouds and cold lightning, tears blurring his vision, the Mind Flayer wearing him like a suit. Their cars collide, and everything whites out for a second.

He's in the hospital again when they finally talk. Billy rolls his eyes at "We've gotta stop meeting like this," and tries not to think about last time he was here. Steve seems more than willing to ignore it. Move forward. Guess demonic possession puts some things into a different perspective.

When Billy's released from the hospital he's seventeen pounds heavier than he was a few months ago. Every time the nurses did their check-ups and put him on the scale they'd pat his elbow, smiling encouragingly, telling him how good he was doing while he watched his stomach get softer, his biceps get less defined, watched himself disappear beneath a layer of fat.

The first thing he does when he gets home is throw up.

He doesn't make it happen. It just happens. And he blames it on the meds they have him on. It's a plausible enough reason, and it means he doesn't have to interrogate the tiny spark of satisfaction he got from losing his lunch.

His second day back home Neil asks him when he's going to start exercising again. His expression is pinched. Cold. His eyes are ice chips freezing Billy's skin wherever they touch, lingering on the softness under his chin, and where the hem of his sleeve pinches his skin.

He pushes his dinner away and grits out an answer from between clenched teeth.

He doesn't need the reminder that he's gotten weak while he was trapped in a hospital bed, but Neil gives it to him anyways. Tells him all about everything he should do to get things back to normal. Push past the pain. Work harder. He tunes it out after a while, and watches grease congeal on his meatloaf.

Eddie Munson is the first person to bring up the things Billy's never known how to talk about.

They started hanging out after Billy's most recent brush with death. Billy's not sure exactly how the got here, from buying the occasional painkiller and letting the guy wax poetic about his dumb band, to spending weekends getting high together at the trailer park. But as weird things in his life go, it's barely worth questioning.

This particular conversation starts with Chrissy Cunningham.

Specifically, Eddie's massive boner for her.

Billy's been noticing it for a while. He hasn't been letting it bother him.

He hasn't.

Maybe he likes the way Eddie smiles at him when they pass a joint back and forth, lazily stretched out and wearing three less layers than usual, and maybe he thinks about closing the distance between them when Eddie offers to shotgun, but it doesn't fucking matter. Just like it doesn't matter that Steve hasn't touched him since before the Mind Flayer and things are fucking weird now that they're on speaking terms again. None of it matters, he's just a fucking idiot.

Because Steve and his new best friend Robin are attached at the hip lately and everyone can see where that's going, and Eddie won't stop talking about tiny, pretty, perfect fucking Chrissy and her stupid ponytail.

And Billy...Billy gets winded walking up the porch steps at his house now. And he pulled a muscle in his back trying to lift half the weight he used to press. And last week he burned three pairs of jeans in the backyard because he kept grabbing them out of his laundry pile, not realizing they don't fit anymore until he was struggling to pull them up past his knees.

He's lost the one thing people used to actually like about him. Never the people he wanted, he was never enough for that, but it was something. Now he's just...

Now he's just listening to a guy he likes talk about some goddamn cheerleader like she personally hung the moon just for him.

And he's drunk. They're both drunk. Eddie in a soppy, embarrassing way, with a sparkle in his eye and a flush on his cheeks, an arm across the back of the couch, outstretched far enough that the tips of his fingers almost brush Billy's shoulder.

He wants to move closer. Thinks about shuffling into Eddie's space, curling into the warmth at his side. But it twists in his guts, sours, sickens—he couldn't, he can't. And he hates himself for wanting to.

"What do you see in her?" spills out of his mouth, bitter on his tongue and sharpened by anger he has no right to feel.

She's pretty. He expects it. She's pretty, she's perfect. She's a fucking angel even though her and Eddie only know each other because she buys drugs off of him. But she can do no wrong because she looks like a little china doll with sad eyes and everyone would be devastated if a single hair on her tiny delicate head was harmed.

Eddie only looks thrown off for a second. A moment. But he shrugs it off, leans his head back against the couch cushions and grins at the ceiling. "She likes my music."

Since fucking when.

"So, what, it's just an ego stroking thing then."

"Nah, man. I mean. Like. She's got this whole good-girl thing going on, but you should see her when I pull out my guitar, it's fuckin'...magic. When she lets herself just. Live." He wiggles his fingers in the air, arms spread, then drops them back down.

Billy's heart clenches, squeezes. It hurts and he doesn't know why. "Bullshit."

"Nah, nah. Seriously. The guy she's dating is a fucking asshole. And her mom..." he trails off, and rubs his eye. "She's just got all this pressure to be perfect, act a certain way, look a certain way, be a certain way, and I hate seeing what it does to her, man. I hate it. No one should have to deal with all that. So. I dunno. I like helping her cut loose. Sorta, find herself, I guess." He cracks a crooked smile, casting a glance in Billy's direction.

And his smile drops.

"Billy?" He sits up, cautious, eyebrows up and his eyes wide.

Billy turns away, shocked into motion, wiping at his face with his sleeve. "I'm fine. Fuck off."

He didn't notice he was crying until Eddie looked at him like he'd seen a ghost.

"Yeah, obviously."

"Fuck you."

Eddie doesn't get much more out of him that night. But he starts watching Billy like a hawk after that. Checking in on him at random. Calling if they haven't seen each other in a few days. It should be irritating as fuck, and he acts like it is, but he still basks in the attention.

Doesn't hurt that it seems to annoy Steve to no end.

Especially doesn't hurt when, in a fit of apparent jealousy, Steve shoves Billy into a wall and kisses him like his life depends on it.

The hurt comes when Steve starts to unbutton Billy's shirt and Billy reflexively shoves him away, when he wants to keep going but wants it to stop and can't tell Steve either of those things because he doesn't have the words.

So he gets angry. At Steve, for pushing it, crossing lines he can't even see. But mostly at himself, because it might be easier than standing there heartbroken but he knows it's the worst thing he could do.

And at Steve, again, when the he doesn't respond the way he should. Doesn't punish Billy for doing the wrong thing, reacting wrong, being wrong. He doesn't withdraw and save himself, he tries to understand, tries to talk it out, like this is something Billy can just say out loud and it'll all be fixed.

He doesn't explain. Not that day. But he lets Steve hold him while he cries, ugly gasping sobs into the front of Steve's shirt, curled up in his lap, collapsed on the floor and tangled together. Because despite everything he's told himself, he does fit comfortably in Steve's arms.

💜tag list ppl💜 @spreckle @growup-thatbeautiful @prettyboy-like-you @suddenlyinlove

#stranger things #billy hargrove #harringrove #mungrove #a raven's writing desk #tw disordered eating #tw body issues #body image issues

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luimagines · 5 months ago

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HI PINKY ! 🎻 Anon here ✧⁠◝⁠(⁠⁰⁠▿⁠⁰⁠)⁠◜⁠✧

My finals went overall quite well! (Except for one final but my overall grade was still fine so we're all good) I did end up having my ceiling of my room collapse though! (⁠ノ⁠｀⁠Д⁠´⁠)⁠ノ⁠彡⁠┻⁠━⁠┻ Gotta love landlords that refuse to do proper house maintenance on century old homes. So right before finals had my ceilings collapse, then had finals while stuck sleeping in the living room (to be fair the couch was comfy but the whole setup is less than ideal), and then literally the evening after my last final flew out to literal other side of the planet for college visits. So needless to say I've been rather tired recently! It's been fun though and I also got to see some family that I rarely see again so that was nice. BUT! I finally have the mental bandwidth to send in an ask again. So enough with the dramatic rambling about my life I have more ideas about the human hero reader I thought of!

So! I learned just the other day that an army captain is actually kinda low rank. (At least in the US military, can't speak to other systems) And you usually get there within like 4 years of your career as an officer. And if Wars is around 24-26ish (at least that's how old I usually imagine him since he's one of the older members of the group but not like OLD) and he would have started his time in the military as like a 17-18 year old, buddy boy would actually be behind on his career. (Stick with me this will all come together I swear!)

So I imagine human hero reader (I'm calling them hh!reader for my sanity to specify from here on out for my sanity) ended up getting pulled into the military after saving Hyrule. They really don't like being there, but the royal family of that time doesn't really give reader a choice. I'd imagine them most likely being a very low rank enlisted soldier. (If you require explanations for anything just let me know. I am more than happy to explain and understand most people haven't been raised around this stuff) But because reader didn't want to join the military in the first place and Warriors is one of the MOST wary member of the chain they would probably butt heads quite a bit. I imagine reader with an attitude of while they're usually a very nice person to be around they can hold a strong grudge and aren't afraid to tell someone if they're being an idiot. Not something that goes over well in the military. So reader probably targets at least some of that frustration to the resident military man. And something that would be rather easy to go for is that fact that he still hasn't been promoted. This would probably devolve into him telling them that they suck as a soldier until reader snaps and said they never had any choice in the matter and they storm off. Probably one of the their merry little band would go after reader. I think Sky might be best since he's a knight himself so he'd have a better idea what they were going through. Wind would also be an interesting option especially if it's after the whole "We're the same since we both made the active decision to save Hyrule!" moment. Both are good chances at bonding. Oh yeah I guess it's relevant that I see reader at an older teen age, like 16-17. Yay sibling dynamics (I say this like my only younger sibling doesn't drive me up a wall). I'll prolly add more later but I am tired. And I have a relatively early morning tomorrow.

Hope this was coherent but I actually had motivation for once so I went for it. If any clarification is needed just ask. Make sure to drink water and eat a snack! Self care is important to help prevent burnout. Have a lovely week. Good day/evening) ┌⁠|⁠o⁠^⁠▽⁠^⁠o⁠|⁠┘⁠♪ See you maybe once I've slept and ate. Bye!!

Oh, I thought you going to go the path of Reader outranking Warrior and him not being able to do anything about it. ^.^*

It reminded me of that one post for Marvel where Tony got excited because Rhodey, being Colonel, outranked Steve and could tell him what to do.

I'd imagine if Warrior pulled out the whole "you suck as a soldier" Wild would have to push back a bit because if they suck, what does that make him? He died! Hello? At least Reader had something going for them. They still won in the end with minimal loses on their side.

Wild lost everyone.

So what does Warrior actually think of him then?

#pinky replies #human! reader #hero! reader #put the man in a corner #trap him in his own words

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cloudmancy · 5 months ago

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not to rekindle old discourse if you've moved on, but i was listening to you & @kindlespark's interview on the complicated women podcast / have enjoyed reading your fhjy posts and wanted to ask your thoughts on why the beginning of the season felt so promising to you? i enjoyed the premiere and the premise of the stresses of 11th grade/the rat grinders as foils, but as the season continued i started to feel disillusioned - it seemed less and less like an interactive/collaborative story (cassandra's death, fig's quest to rehabilitate ruben, the ratgrinders being really hard to find/interact with in general) and more of a tour through some unsatisfying callback easter eggs (i simply don't care about porter and it kind of felt like not even emily did). imo the ratgrinders were set up to fail as a narrative concept ever since the bad kids got mad at them for grinding and brennan just sheepishly grinned and shrugged at the camera, and while i share your disappointment that there was no coming together/addressing the root academic injustices that plagued both the bad kids and the ratgrinders, i don't think it was as surprising to me, as the season had already felt too filled with bits/joking around to be that dramatically tight - ironically, i think they got too bogged down in roleplaying scholastic tedium. i tend to come to d20 with a mindset of like, this is primarily a comedy and if they end up producing a satisfying narrative arc, great (and they certainly have achieved this in the past), but i don't think it's a coincidence that most d20 seasons are regarded as having unsatisfying endings - i think it's an incredibly hard thing to do in a ttrpg setting, even for professionals, especially so if their instincts are more towards comedy. they are great artists and improvisers, but evidently that doesn't mean they can't fail to cohere, and i think this season suffered from a lack of investment in narrative all around - brennan not being as flexible with the plot as he's been in the past, the players i think (some anyway) feeling a little tired of these characters and playing them as more chaotic/violent than usual (kristen's random nudism, fig's truancy, gorgug's hatred/bullying of maryann, fabian threatening to skin ivy). idk, i'm just rambling at this point - my overall message is that i'm in agreement that the finale was a letdown, but i'm curious as to how you thought the promising themes interacted with the story/performances in the earlier parts of the season, cause when i look back at it i don't see a unified vision, just some individually interesting pieces that never seemed to fit together, and i don't think i just feel that way in hindsight, but am open to other perspectives (disclaimer that obv this is all opinion and subject to debate)

here are sam's thoughts on it!

ok my thing is that 1) i love porter as a villain and i don't think the twist takes away from his character; i think brennan tied him to ankarna REALLY well and with genuine thought. the lore drop scene in the temple was genuinely chilling and very very cool to me and brennan clearly set up a lot of lore around it that was interesting and not just funny bc fig thought he was bad the whole time. i think porter is a great character and had the bad kids engaged with his philosophy of rage and not had ice feast completely nullify his threat he could've been a really compelling villain. 2) i genuinely had hope for the rat grinders because of brennan's insistence to make npcs like eugenia talk about them as foils, the fact that they used to be the high-five heroes, and the fact that he made them closer to unwilling participants than actual villains. seemed like genuine threads of complexity that the bad kids just didn't pick up on, but i also clearly was fooled bc that brennan didn't react to fig's attempts to convert ruben shows that he wasn't really prepared to have the final battle as anything but tbk vs trg 😭 i think the downtime system was actually really fun and effective at portraying both scholastic tedium while also embellishing the themes (rage tokens!!) 3) this probably wasn't made clear in the ep but i didn't expect d20 to write a perfect thematic story about addressing systemic injustices; i just wanted them to give me any kind of thematic acknowledgment in the battle at all and not just with ankarna. i am very aware that im always reading into the subtext of d20 seasons--that lament is more for the subtext that Could've Been. i agree with you about everything you've said wrt ttrpg settings and lack of narrative investment, but i had higher hopes because fhsy and tuc are so much better with their themes and the themes brennan appeared to be setting up seemed so… obvious to me…. it had me ignoring all the red flags 😭

#asks #anon #fhjy spoilers

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antimony-medusa · 9 months ago

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starting off this reply by saying you're way more coherent than I'll ever be and you've managed to sum up all the main points my silly anon vent post made and more.

my hatred of dadza assignments is less going after people minding their own business but more the people making their theories everyone's business through character critique threads. i was tired of people attacking cPhil not being an all-seeing all-knowing paternal therapist for far too many people on the old server who were going through their sad cubito arcs (when at most he was an acquaintance), and I'm slightly horrified watching qPhil being attacked/ mischaracterised to fit the same narrative in the exact same way right now on a completely separate server. i could copy and paste arguments used against innitwt fans who went too far then and apply it to qsmptwt fans who are going too far now, qPhil hasn't been assigned the abusive/absent side character in many qsmp fanfics just yet but time and flat circle etc etc

honestly it sucks because during purgatory the BOLAS cult/family fan reaction was fun! and maybe it was because it was in it's early stages or creators weren't focusing on their angst-filled individual lore at the time but people were (mostly) making dark cannibalistic AUs and art and just exploring potential dynamics, instead of assuming fanon=canon and delving into the very familiar 3 stages you mentioned (wiki writers being a notable exception as per usual)

point C is just describing how twitter works, most stans think that if they make enough noise their chosen creator or entire fandom will bend to their will. as Tubbo said it's not that deep

Yeah! Yeah I am in full agreement here. I ended up deleting my response to that post cause I felt like I'd gotten too far off track for the question, but I think it escaped containment first, so, hello. Continued conversation. :D To be clear, I didn't think you were out of line at all, you just hit me in a moment where I'd been doing some reflections about what I post, and I'm personally trying to remind myself to not go out here posting stuff like "shipping is the only moral way to do fandom, family dynamic is BAD", because if I think about it for more than a second that's an absurd thing to say, and it's not helpful. We're all being kind of weird here, family dynamic is not too far out of line when we're talking about Things To Headcanon With Cubitos.

However, I DO think there's an issue in the fandom with people telling themselves that shipping = bad but family dynamic = good, and then doing everything that shipping wars lead into, including demonizing other characters for the sake of their ship family dynamic, and throwing characterization and canon out the window for the sake of their ship family dynamic. And then they put it on the wiki. Seeing people take non-canon family dynamics and then write character crit analysis moments about how people are reacting badly within it is aughghghghghghghhghghghghgh <I am become that person falling down a minecraft chimney again. But then again, I am never a fan of character crit moments in the first place, I am more a person who sits at my screen like "ooo, more war crimes? is it my birthday?" I am a fan of the murder war crimes guy, why are you writing serious posts on my dash about how he's a bad person because he's not emotionally available to his daughter (editor's note: they don't mean his real daughter, they mean a grown woman doing a bit). I see character crit posts and immediately start taking -1hp poison damage per round.

Yeah as someone who DID enjoy BOLAS in purgatory, most of the bolas tag on Ao3 is not written in such a way that I'd enjoy it, I like those guys as a found family slash cult, not as a bio family, heaven's sake. These are guys making up rituals in a death game, the way I see it, not a fluffy OR angsty family. However there are still a FEW people writing bolas in a fun way that's fun to me (check out response to danger by insomniawillow if you are open to some more e-rated concepts and writing), so I'm not entirely ready to go full blocked tags on it.

Mostly after so long in the dadza mines in the DSMP I'm just tearfully going "please, please, can we talk about the real guy as an adult and a peer, not as a dad, look he has his own kids you can talk about now, can he be a peer to the other streamers, please" and then I break down weeping piteously. It's fun times seeing what twitter is doing, I'll tell you.

#anon #ask

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puffyducks · 2 months ago

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DCRC Week #15

Guys pretend this post isn't slightly late I've had a reeeally long week making those fashion drawings and renovating my entire bedroom. Anyways it's time for PKNA #11: Urk everyone say Hi Urk cause we're gonna see him in a second!

(extra long and image heavy post warning)

I'm gonna be so fr I have a huge headache right now and there's a big crew of people redoing the carpet in my house and making really loud banging sounds. I can't take a nap because my entire bed has been deconstructed and my mattress is standing up against a wall. I'm hiding in the room we shoved all our things into and I have like 4 feet of living space total right now. I'm saying this as a disclaimer because I'm probably gonna be even less coherent than usual (somehow) but hopefully hearing the insane ramblings of a tired Puffy will only enhance the experience.

And here in the horrors of the duck universe we have a regular human man sitting next to a flesh-colored dog-nosed creature. Guys seriously why are all the dog people in the duckverse always skin colored like would it kill them to put in some variety... like some different dog breeds... nevermind the fact that 99% of the ducks are all pekins. I'M JUST SAYING. As a furry I think we need to ask for better. And by better I mean just make a poodle character or something idk change it up a bit

Ok not to immediately drag on with the same topic but this might be one of the scariest designs I've ever seen idk what it is about this weirdly big-armed dog man but I'm so viscerally uncomfortable looking at him. Like it's not just me right. He's scary.

Why is donald just flashing his ass at uno in this panel. mf YOU do something??

Bro is really just pointing to the tree like :0

Gay ass look. Why did they exchange glances like this.

Haha don't worry Donald we put the Raider away in jail and he totally can't escape now. Not like he did the first time anyways.

Hi Urk. No other commentary I just like this panel.

HE FUCKING KILLED LYLAAAAAwhy is her hand flesh colored in the last panel

I like that Lyla hitting the ground makes a TLANG sound cause she's made of metal

idk why it's so amusing to me but Urk just calling PK a "total buzz kill" is so like. like to me it's the equivalent of "get lost DUDE you're harshing my vibe MAN" do you get me

Alright. Listen. We're gonna have to address the elephant in the room here (or the elephant-sized duck anyways). Urk is a Native American, specifically meant to be a member of the real life Iroquois tribe. I am not Native American, nor am I particularly knowledgeable on the culture of any specific tribes, so I'm not going to pretend to be an expert here, but just so we're clear: referring to any member of America's native population as being "red" is generally a big no-no.

Urk is meant to come from a dimension with an alternative form of history, one where North America was never colonized and continued to develop under the rule of the many native tribes that once dotted the landscape (one that also got super advanced because of aliens or something but that bit is honestly not that important). Could this concept of an alternate history be an interesting one to explore in a DIFFERENT piece of media? Perhaps. Does this Italian-made Donald Duck comic do a particularly good job of handling the cultural representations here?... eh.

Again, this was made overseas, it's the 90s, representation in media wasn't exactly great back then. I've certainly seen a lot worse *cough* Darkwing Duck *wheeze* but I think there are aspects surrounding Urk's lore that could certainly be better as well. Like I said, I'm not a Native American, I'm not going to pretend I'm an expert on this topic, nor am I going to say anything in here is downright offensive (I don't think I have the right to do so) but I think it's a point that's worth bringing up because it's kind of hard to ignore when reading Urk-related stories (which there are a few of because he sticks around after this comic).

ANYWAYS with all that said. Back to saying stupid shit

UMMM I DUNNO ABOUT THAT ONE BRO

First of all, haha oops the Raider accidentally pulled this poor random guy into our dimension. SECOND OF ALL, I've seen multiple pieces of media now insist that the Raider is some kind of "predatory bird" like a hawk or an eagle but I REFUSE to believe this information. SORRY but he is a rooster and I am always going to see him as a rooster, I DON'T CARE WHAT CANON MEDIA SAYS!!! MF SAID "BUKHAWHAW" IN THE OFFICIAL ENGLISH DON'T THINK I FORGOT THAT!!! THAT'S A CHICKEN!!!!!

Lyla looks cute here hi Lyla

OK SHOUTOUT TO URK JUST SMASHING A WHOLE CAR WITH HIS BIG FUCKING FISTS. HOW DID HE DO THAT

Billy ain't ever gonna forget this for the rest of his life dawg 💀 have fun unpacking this one in therapy

how did the fucking creature develop racism oh my god

WHAT DID LYLA EVEN DO WRONG THIS TIME?? FUCK YOU TIME POLICE free my girl

Everyone say "Hi Urk" again because we're stuck with Urk now

Kinda thought PK was flipping a middle finger here for a split second

Ok Fangus Tales now. Say it with me "we love Fangus Tales" yayyy

what the fuck

yeah actually you know what of COURSE Angus hates dogs. he actually sucks so bad you guys

let him fallll I mean WOAH who said that

YEAH OK OF COURSE ANGUS PARTICIPATES IN ILLEGAL DOG RACING

Dog you have very poor taste in people I'm begging you to like anyone other than Angus Fangus

Ok that's it see you next week and by next week I mean probably within the next 24 hours because I really like the next comic

#dcrc #dcrc week 15 #paperinik

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accultant · 3 months ago

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[ SLUMBER ]: sender picks up and carries the receiver because they're so sound asleep that they won't easily wake up. || From Freiora :))

Iago's sleep schedule is... less than ideal, if existent at all. It was hardly any better before they left the temple, but the adjustment to a life on the road is doing them very few favors in this regard. It's new and exciting and terrifying- so much so that they can hardly shut their eyes at night, jittery with fluctuating excitement and anxiety. But it's also exhausting. It's terribly draining for someone who spent the better part of the past ten years holed away in an office.

So it's really no surprise that Iago's brief reprieve with a book by the fire lasts hardly ten pages before they're out like a light.

They've trained themselves to be a light sleeper, for the smallest sound or movement to have them on their feet with a spell on their tongue before they even open their eyes. So it is a surprise when they find themselves dreary and just barely conscious again by the time they're already in someone's arms, having been picked up sometime while they were still asleep. There a fraction of a second dedicated to their usual panic- who is this, where am I, is there a weapon pointed at me right now, where's the nearest exit, blah, blah, blah - but the answers they come up with aren't alarming enough to stir them to action. Freiora is no stranger, and no immediate threat. In fact, she's very warm. And Iago is very tired. And already slipping back to sleep-

"My book," they start, half-awake, aware that they should be full-awake. Being carried like a sleepy child is no way for them to hold themselves. It's silly. Oh, but she is very warm and Iago is so, very tired... Maybe she's put a spell on them. That's why they find it so hard to wake up again, why they're barely coherent and don't even bother opening their eyes again when they grumble, "I was reading a book. I didn't drop it in the fire, did I?"

#CUTE :3 #i know iago is like huffing out of breath legs sore dying all through bg3. iago voice can yall SLOW DOWN #my girl (gender neutral) has NO endurance #twirling my hair at freiora btw #triinitas #gestures vaguely. just assuming theyre in a camp together here for one reason or another. if not iago would be wild magic surge attacking #anyone who tried to pick them up while theyre sleeping. soft at heart werewolf gets a pass #★. *･｡━━━ 🎱 an extraordinary machine ~ ic

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alpinefrsh · 1 year ago

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God, I cannot stop thinking about the way you wrote Mikey’s pov. Because of the unfortunate cancellation of the show, a lot of character focused episodes were cut, and a lot of them were Mikey’s episodes. Because of that, its left the characters feeling less defined than they should/could have been. That being said, out of all the Mikey povs I’ve read, the majority of them are pretty spot on and believable, because they contain these little headconon-filled-holes to make up for lack of situational information, and it works really well. I understand you’re kinda writing as canon compliant as possible, and when you think about all the holes in Mikey’s character (again, because of the lack of Mikey-centered episodes) it seems extremely daunting to try to write characters as close to canon as possible with a character who’s sort of unfinished(?) in a way.

Taking all that into consideration, the way YOU wrote him, is just so… different to me. I almost want to say weird, but it’s really not, he’s still believable and incredibly on point! He’s still amazing and very well written, It’s just different from what I’ve read of him before, and its really cool!

Anyway, those are just some of my thoughts! Hope I wasn’t overthinking this or something and I’ve just been rambling (though it wouldn’t be a first). Honestly don’t even know if this word spew was coherent, it’s midnight and I just finished an essay I have to turn in tomorrow. I am so tired 😮‍💨

Amazing fic and I can’t wait for the next one! Mikey was absolutely lovely! <3

Yeah, Mikey's definitely the hardest for me to write, both because of the episodes centered around him having to be cut for time, and because he's deffo the turtle I relate to the least (which makes the fact that I wrote over 18k words from his perspective a very interesting decision on my part LMAO).

I haven't actually read a whole lot of rottmnt fics, so I don't really know how people usually characterize him. I just knew that I wanted to stick to his canon portrayal as closely as possible (as you mentioned), and avoid falling into the trap of turning him into some kind of family therapist role. Because while he does have a good amount of emotional intelligence in addition to being a generally empathetic person, he's still a silly and impulsive teenager who happens to be the youngest of four (five including April).

I'm glad you liked how I wrote him :D

Thank you for the message, I enjoyed reading it! Hope your essay pops off in the grading department, king

<333

#inbox #tiittv

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stormyoceans · 2 years ago

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i’m rewatching and i still don’t know how this show exists or what kind of drugs were the writers on, but i’m so glad they were lmao and they have enough for our skyy 2 episodes. Any thoughts about 1) empty cinema scene, 2) talay’s foggy glasses kiss, 3) grafitti library scene, ‘Do you want me to live with you or do you want something 18+’ unhinged daydream, 4) wedding scene, 5) puen reading shojo manga, 6) why they should stop eating so much junk food, 7) snow scene? Sorry this got too long. I just love your thoughts about them so much!

Have an awesome day!

(one day i’ll come off anon, im just too shy and awkward lmao)

[peaks timidly from my inbox] yes hello i come asking for forgiveness ;;;;;; i really am so terribly sorry for how late this answer is, anon, i've been so all-over the place in the few past weeks and wrote this here and there whenever i needed to feel better, which probably means it's even more scattered and less coherent than usual ;;;;; not sure if you're still around or even just still interested in this, but i wanted to reply to you anyway, so here we go!!!

1) empty cinema scene: ONE OF THE MOST UNDERRATED SCENES IN THE ENTIRE SHOW IM SO HAPPY YOU MENTIONED IT BECAUSE WE DON’T TALK NEARLY ENOUGH ABOUT IT!!!!! literally the proof that no one can cheer talay up and get him out of his own head like puen does!!!! talay's ridiculously fond smile as puen pretends the cinema is full of people, the way he actually plays along with it after the initial 'what the hell are you doing' reaction.... we always make fun of puen for being down bad BUT GOD TALAY IS SO SMITTEN TOO he sees puen tearing up while watching the movie (THEIR movie) and his first instinct is to gently wipe away those tears LIKE IF THAT DOESN'T MAKE YOU WANT TO BITE YOUR OWN ARM OFF AND FEED IT TO THE WOLVES THEN I ENVY YOU TBH. and the most insane thing is that at the time he didn’t even know he was in love with puen, he hadn’t realized it yet, while puen was already fully aware of his own feelings for talay. puen who, during the voice over, says "it's you. if it wasn't for you, this movie wouldn't have happened. without you, my screenplay wouldn't be this good", which parallels what he tells talay at the end of episode 4, "if it's not you, i wouldn't be able to work this well". and looking back at it, i really feel like it shouldn't have surprised me so much to learn that puen realized he was in love with talay at the glass house, because he was basically shouting it from the rooftops. "which scene is your favorite?" talay asks him. "the last scene where both of them meet again in the coffee shop," puen answers, because "i went there with you". it's you. it can't be anyone but you. i love you, i love you, i love you. IM TRULY NEVER GONNA GET TIRED OF SAYING HOW THEY INVENTED PARALLELISM ROMANTICISM SOULMATISM ALSO NOT THEM BEING SO ENTHRALLED BY EACH OTHER THEY DIDN'T EVEN NOTICE THAT UP AND AOU WERE THERE TOO PEOPLE IN LOVE ARE THE WORST

2) talay’s foggy glasses kiss: NO THOUGHTS HEAD EMPTY AND EVEN IF I HAD ANY I WOULD KEEP THEM BETWEEN ME AND GOD BECAUSE THEY SURE AS HELL WOULDN'T BE FOR PUBLIC CONSUMPTION. like i make fun of puen for being horny all the time but also i get it. if talay confessed to have been in love with me since the very first time we met by using a very similar line i liked from a movie we watched together years ago all while looking so warm and cuddly in an oversized sweater, i would feel compelled to kiss him senseless too. also not to be petty, but as much as people like to say jimmysea can't kiss, this is the only time i can fully believe a make out session left a character breathless, with weak knees, and a little turned on like THE FOGGY GLASSES, TALAY'S LIPS ALL RED FROM KISSING, HIS HAIR MESSED UP FROM PUEN'S HANDS RUNNING THROUGH IT, HIS EYES COMPLETELY GLAZED OVER...... REARRANGED MY GUTS MY SOUL MY ENTIRE LIFE AND EVERYTHING I EVER THOUGHT I KNEW THE SPECTRE OF THE PERSON I WAS WHEN I FIRST SAW THIS KISS HAUNTS MY EVERY WAKING MOMENT THEY REALLY DID THE MOST

3.a) grafitti library scene: PAIN SUFFERING TORMENT AGONY ANGUISH BUT ALSO THE TENSION THE UNDERCURRENT THE WHOLE ENTIRE EVERYTHING OF IT ALL I HATE TO SEE THEM FIGHT BUT GOD I LOVE THIS SCENE I REALLY DO. i just think it's such an important moment, character-wise, and it's also the first big turning point in their relationship, just like the separation in episode 6 is, because the conflict is actually functional to their growth, especially puen's. puen is already so deeply in love here, but it's so painfully obvious that he has no idea how to go about it and that he is still struggling to find himself, so he defaults to what he knows, to being puen the actor, and that's what he ends up putting on, an act, a big over the top romantic one that could have come out from a movie, but even if the feelings behind it are genuine, the gesture itself isn't, and talay KNOWS, because puen is the kind of person that quietly waits outside his university all day just to spend a little more time with him, not the one that makes a spectacle out of it. this is what makes talay finally snap, because while we see him being very confused about his feelings throughout the episode, and very doubtful about puen's too, you can see that part of him did believe in puen's sincerity ("lately, someone has done something nice to me," talay says to dol a little later in the episode, "so nice that i thought he was serious"), which is why it hurts so much to see talay's crestfallen expression when he asks puen "so all you've done is for your screenwriting?" (and since we're talking about it SEA'S ACTING HERE IS SO GOOD AND YET SO UNDERRATED IM EATING MY FIST) and puen doesn't realize how upset talay really is until it's too late, until he tries to explain and maybe even confess something ("im not messing with you. i--") but talay doesn't want to listen anymore. however this rejection is essential to make puen understand that he has to stop hiding under puen the actor and start being puen the person if he wants to be with talay. this is a long process that will only end in episode 10, when he'll finally be ready to tell talay his name, but this was the first step towards it: as misguided as the kiss in the glass house is, it's also the moment where puen stops playing a role and starts following his feelings. i honestly don't think it's a coincidence that in this episode the password used for the association is "you're not a movie. you are real."

3.b) ‘Do you want me to live with you or do you want something 18+’ unhinged daydream: PEAK DERANGED PUEN MOMENT HE REALLY SAID LET ME ADMIT OUT LOUD ALL THE ROMANTIC DOMESTIC HALF HORNY FANTASIES I'VE EVER HAD ABOUT YOU. IM PRETTY SURE THAT IF TALAY DIDN'T STOP HIM HE REALLY WOULD HAVE GONE INTO FULL 18+ NSFW XXX TERRITORY THERE IS JUST NOT A SINGLE OUNCE OF SHAME IN THIS BOY'S BODY AND YET TALAY STILL THINKS HE’S DOING IT FOR THE BIT. INSANITY LUNACY MADNESS AND PEOPLE WONDER WHY HAVE I GONE CRAZY. on a more serious note, i already said it before, but i absolutely love how the talay in puen's daydreams is just like the real talay, so much so that we could hardly tell that what we were seeing wasn't actually what was happening, because it shows that puen loves him as he is, warts and all, and that in puen's head their relationship turning into a romantic one wouldn't change who they are or how they interact with each other: they would still bicker and banter and be friends, and that's one of the things i love the most about them. ALSO ALL THE DETAILS IN PUEN'S FANTASY ACTUALLY BECOMING TRUE MAKES ME WANT TO RIP MY HEART OUT AND EAT IT BUT LET'S NOT GO THERE

4) wedding scene: I HAVE MULTIPLE ORGANS FAILURE EVERY TIME I REWATCH THIS SCENE POSSIBLY BECAUSE THEIR OUTFITS HERE ARE MY FAVORITE FOR BOTH OF THEM IN THE ENTIRE SHOW BUT MAINLY BECAUSE PUEN IS REALLY OUT THERE JUST SAYING SHIT LIKE "I SHOULD JUST MARRY A COLORIST" IN EPISODE 4!!!!!! BOY HAS JUST REALIZED HE'S IN LOVE LIKE 2 DAYS AGO AND IS ALREADY PLANNING THEIR WEDDING IN HIS HEAD!!!!!! also i adore how the writers use this specific setting to let us know the characters' current attitude towards love: puen talking about getting married and having a partner vs talay being focused on working on the video, puen catching the bouquet with no fear vs talay shielding himself from it.... THIS IS WHY I DESPERATELY NEED THE PUENTALAY WEDDING IN OUR SKYY I /NEED/ P'X TO GIVE ME THIS PARALLEL IT WOULD SIMPLY BE SO DELICIOUS. and not to be that person but fucking raw in that venue right then and there would have been less obscene than the looks they be throwing at each other while puen tells the entire room he is hitting on talay and then gives him the bouquet. jimmysea really be showing up on set every day like we're gonna display so much adoration desire yearning and love through the look in our eyes alone AND I LOVE THEM SO MUCH FOR IT

5) puen reading shojo manga: OF COURSE PUEN WOULD LOVE SHOUJO WHEN HE IS SO INTO LOVE AND ROMANCE IT MAKES PERFECT SENSE AND IT'S HONESTLY SO ADORABLE I HOPE TALAY BUYS HIM AN ENTIRE LIBRARY FOR HIM TO FILL WITH ALL HIS FAVORITE MANGA. and i think it's interesting to point out that shoujo, much like the color pink, is something that has been forcefully connected to a whole set of 'feminine' characteristics that society tells men are off-limits for them: men don't need to be caring and sweet and romantic and cute.... but puen is very much all of these things, and maybe his reticence in admitting he likes shoujo is yet another way he hides his real self away because he's scared not to be liked, which makes talay's genuine interest all the more important. also we tend to associate shoujo with romance, but the three more common narrative themes in the genre are a focus on human relations and emotions, characters that defy traditional roles and stereotypes surrounding gender and sexuality, and depictions of supernatural and paranormal subjects. IDK ABOUT YOU BUT THAT SOUNDS VERY FAMILIAR TO ME

6) why they should stop eating so much junk food: THIS MAKES ME LAUGH SO MUCH EVERY TIME I READ IT BUT ALSO I REALLY DO HOPE THEY’RE SNEAKING SOME VEGETABLES IN BETWEEN ALL THE CHIPS AND FRIED CHICKEN AND PREMADE NOODLES AND DIFFERENT KIND OF SWEETS OR THEY’RE GONNA GET A HEART ATTACK BEFORE THE AGE OF 40 (thank god for the 0% sugar oishi drink at least sfjkshfkgs). also not me suddenly getting choked up at the thought of the two of them getting to 50 years old and finding out that talay’s pressure tends to get too high so puen studies a proper diet for it and makes sure talay follows it scrupulously NOT ME THINKING ABOUT OLD PUENTALAY GROWING VEGETABLES IN THEIR GARDEN AND REMINDING EACH OTHER TO TAKE THEIR MEDS EXCUSE ME FOR A SECOND I NEED TO GO WALK INTO TRAFFIC REAL QUICK YEAH NO BRB

7) snow scene: there are honestly many things i could talk about in this scene ("when you see snow again next time you will think of me", puen and talay having to play the characters, puen kissing talay's cheek, talay saying he doesn't like to be hugged, the freaking shaved ice made with snow and the oishi drink) BUT THE ONLY THING I CAN THINK ABOUT IS "YOU MUST ONLY BE HAPPY TALAY" LIKE IM SORRY BUT ISABELLE ADJANI GOING TITS OUT INSANE IN THE TUNNEL SCENE FROM POSSESSION HAS NOTHING ON WHAT I FEEL ABOUT THIS LINE IT'S IN MY TOP 10 MOST ROMANTIC PUEN'S LINES AND IT DRIVES ME CRAZY IN WAYS I CAN'T REALLY EXPLAIN AND I WISH I COULD SAY ANYTHING COHERENT ABOUT IT BUT RN THERE ARE JUST AMBULANCE SIRENS GOING OFF IN MY HEAD

#also like you're talking to THEE most awkward person in a room at any given moment who as you can see is an absolute mess #and has trouble getting back to people #also we're already friends in my mind so #ANYWAY #sorry again for the late and messy reply anon #i hope you're having a lovely day!!!! 💜#vice versa #puentalay #m: ask

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paleode-ology · 1 year ago

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okay so today is my first day being medicated for adhd, I’m on extended release adderall, and for the most part I don’t feel too different but here’s what I’ve noticed:

Definitely different:

- food cravings. Normally I feel like I need to constantly be having little treats in order to get through my day, like I go through sooo much juice and chocolate milk boxes in a week it’s insane. Today I haven’t done that at all, but my appetite is normal like I had lunch and stuff

- I practiced piano and was able to focus on it for a lot longer. I felt like I was practicing more efficiently also? I’m not sure how long I practiced, should’ve timed it, but I only stopped bc my stepdad had a call and the mic would’ve picked up the sound.

Maybe different:

- ability to initiate tasks? I haven’t done too much today bc I just don’t have a lot I need to do, but I read for fun for a bit and made my bed finally (this one was coerced by my mother so I’m not sure if I would’ve done it on my own? Maybe? But I was able to do it all the way through, I only had one or two distractions which were minor like turning on my lamp etc)

- I feel kind of tired now, but I’m pretty sure that’s just because I was up too late last night. But I napped for like twenty minutes and I was a lot less restless than I usually am when I nap, I feel like I was able to zone out a lot faster.

- I think that my thoughts are a bit more coherent? As I’m typing this I don’t have a lot going on in the background of my mind, mostly just echos of what I’m typing or only one or two words ahead.

Things that might be affected but haven’t been tested yet:

- driving. I’m REALLY curious about this one, especially because I don’t think I could placebo myself into being a better driver. I’m fine at driving but keeping track of everything that’s going on or looking far enough ahead is often difficult for me.

- social interactions. I’m going to a family reunion/birthday party tomorrow and will be interacting with a lot of people I don’t normally see for a very long time. Curious to see if anything seems different.

- doing homework. I haven’t done any yet today so I’m not sure how much easier it will be (if at all) to start and finish it. That’s for tomorrow or Sunday. In that vein, class as well. I have an online class on Monday and an in person one on Wednesday.

- concerts! I go to a lot of classical music events bc my grandmother is a classical fanatic and lives really close to us, but I ALWAYS struggle to pay attention bc the listening alone just isn’t stimulating enough to me. On Sunday I’m going to an organ concert, so we’ll see how that goes.

- sports! Im on a rec vb team, we only play once a week but maybe something will be different. Or not.

#sorry this is literally so long but I want to document it somewhere #adhd #ode by ode #that’s all for now I guess

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mizuta · 1 year ago

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far from it to be my style to post about hashtag mental health issues on main but like. look. ive& been psychotic as far back as i can tangibly remember (hallucinating at 10-11, cognitive symptoms and episodes by 13-14). its been a part of my life so long that like... in a lot of ways im used to it and coping with symptoms and my life grew around a lot of the symptoms. like a tree trunk growing around a foreign object as a sapling. something that pierces directly through the middle but doesnt really impact the trees ability to stay alive in any meaningful way.

so like in a lot of ways im used to being in my own head. my partner is good at recognizing that things that are distressing to me in episodes dont process whatsoever as distressing to me a good chunk of the time. when im acting visibly distressed it actually means my level of distress is at like, 200%. its fucking unmanageable. if im visibly distressed its worse than anyone could conceptualize because typically otherwise im just numb to a lot of it or its just default my reality that its not distressing in any meaningful way until after the fact.

but like im ngl just because ive spent all of my teenage years upwards trying to take up literally the least space possible to exist and never show 80% of my "unacceptable" symptoms to 99% of people does not mean it makes it any less uncomfortable or awkward to like. be the token psychotic in some groups. to have to be the buzzkill and shit thats like hey sorry heres my hyperspecific request of the year because im fucking insane.

its miserable in a fresh new way of like sorry to have to remind everyone that its not actually a funny character quirk or joke my brain literally does not exist in your 'reality' in any meaningful way and the further outside of it i am on a given day the more unpleasant youre going to find me to be around. ignoring the insane person talking aimlessly in public doesnt actually help me it usually just reinforces that youre not real and never will be if its a bad enough day.

its never intentional. like nobody is ever doing this on purpose. especially again because i spent so much of my life being very good at hiding it. but like... it sucks so much to be masking half the time and be a little too good at it so when you stop being able to people are always levels of uncomfortable or upset. it sucks when you cant articulate anything properly and nobody really knows how to understand what youre asking for. it sucks when you have multiple severe memory conditions and cant trust your own memory and everyone immediately questions your memory when you ask for anything or point anything out. like of course im just going to fucking fold.

i dont know where im going with this or if this itself is even that coherent i know it sounds super vague but it really isnt about anyone specific im just babbling about like years worth of garbage. i got so fucked over by fakeclaiming culture because unfortunately when i started really displaying symptoms i was a teenager trying not to kill himself and being fucking insane loudly in virtual public when that was apparently an "obvious sign of exaggerating" so i had to learn to shut the fuck up and now everybody loves to forget how much im fucking unwell because god forbid you think too hard about what youre saying around others.

thank god for my partner who is literally the first person in my entire life whos ever tried to understand and genuinely knows how to talk to me when im in a particularly bad delusion or hallucinating or whatever.

man. im tired. i found out this last month i probably need to get a cane when i move out and i still feel like im going to be appropriating shit because severe knee and upper leg paint and severe balance problems cant be that bad. i hate having memory problems so bad that i so easily can be told that i dont know shit and Y is actually what happened and i usually cant actually argue against it even if im so sure thats not true.

#miles organizer #;kaz #this actually isnt really that bitter im just. talking. miserably. about psychosis.#i think i should be allowed to just be fucking insane in public and everybody should just have to deal with it and stop being uncomfortable #(thats kind of a joke im just sad.)

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racingliners · 2 years ago

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F1 Re-Watch 2022: Round 22 - Abu Dhabi

😭

Well friends, here we are 🥲

While it has been more enjoyable than I thought watching (almost) the entire season back, it’s also been very emo whenever the TV feed would cut to Seb and realise it was his last race at each circuit.

Obviously, I had to follow AD live in some way so I actually listened to the BBC Sport radio coverage for quali and the race, and then watched C4 highlights so I’ve heard the race in full and seen chunks of it (and I started full on ugly sobbing on the last lap at the time, bc you know, feelings)

Well, let’s whip out the tissues and see Seb’s last ever F1 race (😭😭😭😭😭)

How coherent will this liveblog be? Great question I have no idea

Also worth noting I’m watching the International feed, as I have done with the other 19 races, I’ll likely watch Seb’s onboard cam in my own time and blubber in peace

Also they really had Seb last on the F1 intro I’m not okay 😭

Less starting grid whiplash as I was vaguely aware of the grid order at the time

but SEB TOP 10!!!! 😭

argh, I’m getting emo already and we’re not even at the formation lap.

I genuinely thought I’d be fine watching this back, apparently not.

[Formation Lap]: Virtually everyone starting on the mediums apart from Kevin and Bottas on the hards and Gasly on the softs bc ?????

Also I find it so wild how close the battles for P2 in the drivers and constructors championships were like, especially when you consider how many more races Ferrari won compared to Merc

cut to Norbert and Antti in the AM garage 😭

[Start/Lap 1]: Lewis jumping Sainz at the start!! 🥳🥳

And Sainz pushes him off bc 🙃

[Lap 2]: Well that was a surprisingly eventful first lap, by Abu Dhabi standards anyway

I will not be talking about FIA bullshittery bc I want to be able to enjoy the rest of my day after this 🥲

[Lap 3]: Anyway Seb watch: He’s still in P9 💚

[Lap 4]: Bono sounding more done than normal at the FIA nonsense, a mood

[Lap 5]: And Lewis getting P4 back, noice

[Lap 6]: The Red Bulls being 2 and a bit seconds clear of everyone just about sums up 2022

Also like... having the final race of the season at Abu Dhabi is not the brightest idea bc the track is... eh.

I mean is it pretty and looks good on camera? Yes. Does it give us entertaining races? No.

[Lap 7]: Seb closing up to the back of Ocon, go get him!!!

(I am usually a pro-Estie Bestie household, but the needs of the Seb outweigh the needs of the many)

[Lap 8]: Sainz re-passing Lewis, I hate it here

but Seb and Esteban racing for 8th >>>>

midfield spice (beloved)

[Lap 9]: And Russell passes Lewis for 5th, I know Lewis eventually retires with a mechanical issue but I can’t remember what specifically

[Lap 10]: Lewis switching between engine modes and nothing works... pain

Meanwhile Seb is the filling in and Alpine sandwich

yes I’m very biased, but I will never, ever tire of watching Seb race. It’s very beautiful to watch

And livery watch: Aston Martin under floodlights very very pretty

[Lap 12]: Another cut to ultimate Grid Dad Norbert in the AM Garage, and one of the AM mechanics sporting a very snazzy stache for Movember

god that shot of Seb trying to swoop round the outside of Esteban, fucking gorgeous

I mean he didn’t get the move done, but it was still beautiful

[Lap 13]: I love how much the TV feed is sticking with the Seb vs Alpine battle, Seb and Fernando always know how to bring the drama no matter the season

and you know... it is by far the most entertaining action on track rn

[Lap 15]: and Esteban pits, mediums for hards

lol at Crofty saying Alpine had to tell Esteban and Fernando to behave themselves for their final race together,

[Lap 16]: Lewis was on the radio saying his tyres were getting better????

This is the wonky timeline, rip “Bono my tyres are gone” 2014-2022

SEB PASSES PEREZ!!!!!

Oh, that sparks so much joy, Aston Martin 1, RBR 0

[Lap 17]: Meanwhile the rest of the front runners are making their first stops, but Russell had an unsafe release 😬

[Lap 18]: Anyway back to Seb vs Fernando, I genuinely could watch an entire race of them just cashing each other down - the poetic cinema of it all

[Lap 19]: Anyway Lewis thinks he has a broken floor so 🙃🥲

[Lap 20]: “He’s [Seb] entitled to fight Sainz every metre of the way” You’re damn bloody right he is Brundle!!!!

That’s my boooooooy

You keep that Ferrari behind you

nvm Sainz made a DRS pass

It was great fun while it lasted though

[Lap 21]: Seb in 5th, stioll yet to stop, iirc he was kept out for ages and ages bc ????

I love Team Green, I really do, but they are not immune to dumb strategies

also Russell given a 5 sec pen for the unsafe release

[Lap 22]: Charles pits for hards and comes out in 3rd in front of Sainz

Seb. Bottas and Kevin the only drivers left to pit

[Lap 23]: Lewis passes Seb for 6th, one last on track Seb and Lewis interaction 😭

Meanwhile Yuki, Bottas and Fernando are having a little scrap over 11th-13th

[Lap 24]: Fernando in 2010 🤝 Fernando in 2022: stuck behind a slower car at Abu Dhabi

ah, Lando adds himself to the “I passed Seb bc he hasn’t pitted” party

It’s fine it’s just bc they all want to see him and give him a proper send off right... right???

[Lap 25]: Seb having one last whine over team radio, which Chris saying that everyone around them is two-stopping, which means Seb is on the one stop

[Lap 26]: HE PITS!!! 😭

and it was a bit slow 🥲

“Is that Sebastian Vettel’s last ever F1 pit stop” Brundle please SHUT UP

Anyway it’s fine we get a Seb overtaking masterclass of making up 8 places over the second half of the race.

[Lap 27]: “Charles Leclerc catching Sergio Perez” Yes, good, excellent.

[Lap 28]: Aaaaaand Alonso DNF. (Helmet watch: no I am still not over his Seb tribute helmet 😭)

And speaking of, Seb just passed Gasly for 16th, the comeback is on besties!!!

[Lap 29]: Livery watch: you know what... I don’t hate the matte Ferrari under the floodlights actually. I will let it off just this once (though pleeeeeease bring black glossy liveries asap I MISS THEM)

[Lap 30]: Perez asking for Verstappen to speed up so he can gain some distance on Charles... if I speak

Anyway, back to Seb, now in P15 after passing Bottas.

And Gasly passed Bottas as well after Bottas locked up.

the replay of Seb’s mechanics applauding his overtake I’m 😭💚

[Lap 32]: Tag yourself I’m Shaquille O’Neal looking very happy to be seeing some F1 cars go zoom

[Lap 33]: Charles is almost in DRS range of Perez 👀

“Lewis is closing in on Russell is anything” putting that broken floor in it’s place, as he should

[Lap 34]: Ah, Perez pits. inch resting.

Lewis purple sector one, feels good feels organic

also helmet watch: Lando’s ultra-black stripes with the metallic blue is sooooo pretty. I love mixed finishes on helmets. JMD never misses.

[Lap 35]: Seb watch: they didn’t play it, but he’s up to P14!!!

[Lap 36]: “Question can you keep this pace with Plan C?” Xavi I will fight you with my fists

I genuinely have mild trauma now whenever I see the Ferrari team radio graphic come up on screen. The downside of watching the 2022 season across 12 weeks 🙃

[Lap 37]: Seb up to P13 after Albon’s stop.

Also it’s proper night time now. Yas Marina is pretty I will give her that.

[Lap 38]: Oh Lewis has been catching up to Russell! He’s within DRS range

“Let me tell you about Sebastian Vettel” We are Ted and Ted is us 💚

[Lap 39]: Mick and Nicky having a little spin into the barriers 🙃🙃🙃

Yuki pits, Seb up into P12!!

Lewis even closer to George since he’s suddenly somehow a chunk faster

[Lap 40]: ah, Sainz and Russell pits.

Mick and Nicky now under investigation for their little spin.

Yelling. Sainz and Russell pitting puts Lewis into third. !!!!

I shouldn’t laugh, but the synchronised spin with Mick and Nicky is ever so slightly funny. Very dance of the sugarplum fairies.

[Lap 41]: Lance pits, Seb is into P11!!!!

Ted doing everything he can to manifest Seb points on his last race I cannot 😭

How has Teed been post-Seb retirement? Is he okay? Do we need to book in another Seb nation group cry and invite him along?

anyway, racing

[Lap 43]: Seb half a second behind Zhou!!!

and again he tries round the outside, doesn’t make it stick but it looks beautiful!!

Meanwhile Lance has joined the party after making his second stop.

[Lap 44]: and Seb makes the pass!! HE’S INTO P10!!!! 🥳🥳🥳

Lewis P3, Seb P10. We can stop the race now.

“I forgot which letter of the alphabet we’re trying this afternoon” I feel like it’s a bit of a paddock in-joke about Ferrari and their strategy woes at this rate

[Lap 45]: Perez passes Lewis but then Lewis re-passes him. That was fun actually.

“Like some sort of sleeping praying mantis” ...okay Crofty. (that was about Lewis btw)

[Lap 46]: Perez passes Lewis and makes it stick this time.

[Lap 47]: *10 Laps remaining klaxon*

“Just tell Checo to go full send” Maybe I’m biased but if I was his team mate I would not find that helpful in the slightest adfvnifvfdvgh

[Lap 48]: “Sebastian Vettel is gaining a bit on Daniel Ricciardo” oh yeah

[Lap 49]: Finally Crofty is getting on the livery watch bandwagon, F1 cars do look pretty under floodlights

argh Lance passes Seb for P10, but granted he was faster 🥲

and Seb having another little whine, god I miss his sarcy team radios.

[Lap 50]: “Yeah leave me alone please thank you” CHARLES I ADORE YOU

You tell em hun, you tell Ferrari to fuck off, I’m so proud.

[Lap 51]: And Lance passes Dan for P9

[Lap 52]: Seb also catching up to Dan

also I forgot how late on Lewis’ DNF was sheesh

also also he just got a black and white flag for track limits svhaegheuh

[Lap 54]: Mick and Bottas having a very spicy little fight for 16th.

[Lap 55]: Meanwhile Perez is about 4 second behind Charles

ughhhhhhhhh and there’s Lewis hydraulic failure 😭😭😭😭

Pain, so so much pain. But it does put Seb in the points. Lewis we honour your sacrifice. I’ll join you to smash the W13 to pieces very soon.

[Lap 57]: I find it so wild that despite all the W13′s failing, that was it’s first mechanical DNF for the entire season. WILD.

the gap between Charles and Perez down to just under 2 seconds.

[Lap 58]: Final lap. and I’m once again a little bit weepy.

I do not give one shit about Verstappen show me Seb 😭

I’m literally just watching Seb’s name on the leaderboard.

[Finish]: Verstappen wins, no one is surprised. Charles finishes P2 and clinch the runners up spots in the drivers and constructors titles.

ahhhhhh Seb chasing down Dan!!!!

and Seb finishes P10. I am weeping at quarter to 1 on a Wednesday morning 😭

Well the race was very meh. Mild midfield spice with the proper battles for almost all the positions from P2 downwards. And a lot of it was down to strategy as opposed to actual racing. So overall a very average 6 front wings out of 10.

And whew, the 2022 season as a whole. We really thought it was going to be a proper title fight after Australia and then Ferrari happened 🥲.

However, my beloved midfield spice saved the season, with Alpine v McLaren and Aston Martin vs Alfa Romeo especially. Like honestly just ignore the title fight and watch the midfield it’s so much more enjoyable (especially with the way 2023 looks to be going asduhsui).

Anyway, the whole reason why I started this was to watch Seb’s last season and there was some great races, some very not good races, but I will forever be so so proud to call him my favourite driver (yes he’s still my fave after retiring this is my blog I can do what I want).

The 2002 season was certainly something. While the title fight wasn’t as entertaining as it could have been, we still had some decent races (Monaco, Silverstone, Austria and Brazil were my faves). And I think we all have the Dutch and Austrian anthems burned into our memories to come degree 🥲.

Auf wiedersehen, and danke fur alles Seb 💚

#F1 Re watch #F1 2022 re watch #F1 Liveblog #Abu Dhabi 22 edition

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jodilin65 · 27 years ago

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SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 9, 1997 Good news regarding Mom. Well, last night Tom realized that she forgot names. Not that she couldn’t talk. However, he went to see her today and she’s doing much better. She’s much more coherent, remembers names, and is moving better. She also has her short-term memory back, which she lost and there are no signs of paralysis. The neurologists did a battery of tests on her and she’s now speaking much better.

I slept from about 11 AM - 5 PM and before going to sleep, I called Tammy. First, she did her usual. She told me how sick she’s been and then I told her about mom. She was very sorry and said she’d call our folks. She also gave suggestions about aftercare for her, since she knows a lot about this.

Tom went to bed at around 6 PM. The poor guy’s beat and hasn’t slept much in the last few days. Even I’m still tired.

At 7:30, just as I finished typing them a letter which I’ll still send out, Mom and Dad called and we really, really did have a pleasant talk. I thanked them for caring and for listening to me. I told them the latest scoop on Ma. They too, were truly sorry and concerned and wanted to know what hospital she was in. The same one I was in, Good Samaritan. And then they said they’re sending out those pictures on Monday and a metal flagpole. They asked what kinds of flags I like and I told them I don’t dig fruits or sports or dull colors and how I dig pink, purple, music, dance, animal and flower-related stuff. Mainly bright colors. He asked what cartoon ones I liked and I told him I liked the Snoopy one I’ve drawn a lot. I’m sending them a really nice, colorful drawing of a pretty floral flag of theirs. I had forgotten the name of it and didn’t know the name of the flowers. They didn’t mention anything about my telling them just how I feel about them telling me what to say, so that’s nice and appreciated.

I told my folks I’d keep them updated, let Tom know they called, and tomorrow I’ll call Tammy, thank her for being my interpreter, and give her the latest scoop.

About 20 minutes after I spoke to Mom and Dad, I got a weird call. The woman said she was Margaret S, she wanted to talk to Jodi "Lee," she saw me on the computer. Do I still have that nice long hair? She’s now in Mesa at Johnny and Marie’s place, not California.

Then I realized it was Ma’s sister who was about the same age. She said Ma says lots of lovely things about me, how it’s cool I’m Jewish, and that she wished I could’ve helped her when she had her stroke. From what she said, she could hear and see, but couldn’t talk. So, I told her I was Jodi Lin and that it’d be nice if she at least knew the alphabet. I think all people in all the different kinds of medical fields should at least know the alphabet if not signs. She says she wanted to meet me, liked my attitude, and felt very comfortable talking to me, who she didn’t know and who she’d only heard about, and she says that’s not like her. She says she’s going to be moving into a senior apartment complex. We must’ve talked for a half hour and at one point I told her to make a fist. Then I told her that was the letter S, so she already learned a letter. It’d be nice to teach Mom the alphabet. At one point, she weirded out on me and said something about her son and me having some relation to Jesus and that Jews are the special people who were chosen. Of course, I’m thinking to myself, well, I’ve been chosen to have a great husband, some fun talents and skills, to live in Arizona. But not to have a child.

Now here’s my weird news, speaking of my wacky plumbing. I’ve never had anything like this. Since wiping off the two spots I wiped off yesterday, I haven’t had a thing since, and now it’s about 30 hours later. I was so sure I’d wake up with cramps and some kind of flow, but nope. This is even stranger and less than I had last August. I had spots every few hours back then, but now you’re talking over a day with nothing, since the last few spots.

Tom still insists I’m fine, but I know damn good and well what it is. God’s just teasing me and getting me back, since over the last month or so, I must’ve sworn at him more than I have in a few years. So what am I gonna do? Spot every 6 months? I guess so. If I were fertile, though, I know there’s no way I could be pregnant. That shot during mid-cycle just wasn’t enough. Also, the few spots I did have are almost guaranteed to take out anything with it that could’ve begun to form in there. And lastly, I’m sure that by tomorrow, if not, by Monday, I’ll have some kind of a flow. I don’t see how I couldn’t and I’d bet my life on the fact that this isn’t it. If I don’t get a full flow within a day or two, then I’m sure I will before two weeks go by. I flowed after that 2-week spot attack. The build-up leading up to this is a carbon copy, though, of before I spotted last August. No PMS of any kind, except for sore tits. No being horny. All I have now is sore tits, but once again, it’s basically only one tit. The other one’s not really sore at all.

SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 8, 1997 Well, I was right. I said about a week and a half ago that something bad would happen and once again, here we are in the eye of the storm. Or am I supposed to say: the storm? Yes, the storm. And 1997, which is far from over, is going to be anything but a great year. It’s going to be a nightmare.

Tom’s mom had a stroke and is now in the hospital. The stroke affected her speech mostly, and she’s unaware of her right side. The muscles and all that work, but she’s not able to function properly or make much sense.

What is it about odd number years? I’ve noticed that at least as far back as 1983, odd-number years seem to be much worse than even-number years.

Also, if I thought I was fertile and that we could have a child, I’d seriously suspect that God was trying to stall us and hold us off till I was near 40.

This hasn’t been discussed yet, is far from etched in stone, and may or may not ever happen, but Tom and I talked about Mom living here. I know she’s a very understanding and accepting woman, who’s very tolerable and patient, but I’d really have to keep my many depression and anger spells in check. I’m going to have to whisper to Tom about my emotions, sterility, and whatever else. Sex may be infrequent, but for the most part that’s the way it’s always going to be. Every time we get on a roll with that, something comes up and I can see our sex life becoming less and less of an occurrence. Especially during this year and probably for the next 2-3 years. Tom said, though, that Mom’s no stranger to depression and that when he was little, she went through serious depression and was put on all those pills I hate. He said my music wouldn’t bother her and not to worry about her thinking I was crazy due to my schedule. He said she’d be so appreciative of us helping her out that she’d deal with and accept how we were and what we did. Also, going on trips would be no problem, cuz she could stay with Mary or with someone. If I were fertile, though, we’d have to wait on the kid. Maybe Tom would agree with me, maybe not, but I don’t think that would be very fair to Mom to put her through that and I don’t think I could juggle the kid and mom. The kid would be way more than enough and remember, I can’t handle a child. That’s one of the many reasons I’m sterile. However, since we’re the ones in the family that will always be childless, I think we’re the perfect candidates for taking her in if need be, and I really like the idea. She’s a sweet lady and I feel comfortable around her. Also, I think we’d be able to entertain each other well. I can see her enjoying telling me stories about her life, her sewing, and more, and I can see me telling her and showing her all about the things I do. Also, I’m sure that if one of us needed some space and time alone, that’d be no problem. The only question is where she would sleep. Would she bring her bed over here? Well, we’ll work this out when and if she does move in here, but with me having no other possible life, I think this could be good for all of us. Maybe this is something God had planned for me and one of the many reasons why he sterilized me. So I could be available to help her. She’s helped us tremendously.

My being psychic really is a curse, not a gift. I knew this was coming, but I didn’t know who or any details and I was off by a few days or so. Tom was right, though, when he said that my knowing it, even if I knew it in full detail, wouldn’t have stopped it. And if I’d told Ma, she’d just worry like crazy. There’s no controlling what I know I’m/we’re/someone’s in for. I just have to sit back and let it happen, against my will.

As I told Tom, I see lots of trauma, disaster, sadness, fury, illness, and even death this year. Something about the number 77 comes to mind as far as his mom’s concerned, but I’m not sure what it means. Tom said that’s not good, though. Many years ago, his ma said she knew she was gonna die at 70-something, but he can’t remember the exact year. Anyway, I see something not too cool going down this year with his ma, my dad, and us. I know there’s more, but I have no clues as to what it could be all about. The only thing I can think of that could go down with us is a doctor telling us, “Yes, she’s right. She’s sterile,” but I still doubt I’ll ever get up the nerve to go to a doctor about this and risk trouble from God. I couldn’t do that without major encouragement and you know how it goes, you can’t encourage or discourage someone else. Only they can encourage or discourage themselves, right? Well, I can’t encourage myself. So, hopefully, the bad thing on us won’t be God killing Tom or hurting him in any way. I know we’ll never be divorced. We’ll never have a child, so there’s nothing that I can think of, to put this marriage at risk.

FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 7, 1997 I’m very depressed and angry right now. I didn’t feel any cramps or any pain of any kind, so I wasn’t expecting to wipe the few spots of reddish-pink blood I wiped off when I went to pee. So, this is going to be a normal period, huh? What’s normal for me, anyhow. It may be light, but tomorrow I’ll have a fuller flow with cramps. Then the next day I’ll spot off and it’ll be just about over till next month.

And I thought this new little plan of ours was helping me? Well, I obviously thought wrong. I just thought what I wanted to think. I just wanted to believe it’d help me to feel like not having a kid wasn’t the end of the world. Once again, I’m left with anger and hatred towards God, feeling like a freak, hopeless, empty. What am I here for?! If God won’t let me move forward, what does he want me to do, move backward? I tell myself I should go back to dancing. It’s better than cleaning. I hate having to pay others’ incomes, but with two incomes now it won’t hurt as much, some money’s better than none, I’ll get back in shape, and it’s all God would allow for me, next to cleaning or being some kind of cashier. But I refuse to settle! I’ve settled enough! I’ll just be the nothing, nobody, half-woman that I am. It’s like I’ve stepped outside my own body, watching myself be molded, controlled and made to be what God wants, not what I want. I told God, “I hate you! How dare you let murderers have it all. Children, good health, money, the works. But I can’t have my dream and therefore, neither can my husband. All we want is a child. Just a child. We may as well be asking to walk out into our backyard and find a million dollars sitting there, not for a child. We can’t ask for or have a child. That’s too much. Too far out. Too unheard of. Too abnormal. All cuz we didn’t kill in the name of you.” I try to tell myself it’s only cuz God’s looking out for me cuz he knows I could never handle it. Not with my screwy schedule and lungs. But no, he’s punishing me, cuz if he can do anything, why can’t he make me handle it? Why can’t he just put me on a normal schedule, make me repulsed at the idea of smoking and let me take it from there? Cuz he doesn’t give a shit. Cuz he hates me. Cuz he hates my husband and is also punishing him through punishing me.

I want to talk to Tom about how I feel when he comes home, but it won’t change a thing and he’ll just say I’m all wrong and not believe me. He doesn’t believe in women’s intuition, dream premonitions, and being psychic. But each month that I get my period, whether it’s one of those months we hit it right or not, is a sad and scary reminder of just what a half-woman I am and all I can do is think of that dream. That dream wasn’t just a dream. It meant something. It was a tell-tale sign of reality and of what my logic and woman’s intuition has always told me.

A part of me wants to rebel against God and get the years of testing going and tell Dr. Rugg to set us up for testing, even though I know I won’t win and will be told what I already know and what I don’t want to hear. This way, maybe Tom won’t be telling me when I’m 80 that I was always OK and that we just didn’t hit it right.

The other part knows that if I did that, not only would it get me nowhere, but that’s asking for major trouble from God and I don’t want to put my life or my husband’s life in any kind of danger.

I still have death thoughts. I mean, what’s the purpose of my being here? To take up space, cost money, bitch to my husband about stuff that can’t be changed, do my hobbies and clean? I’ve definitely lived my life. My life is surely over. There’s nothing more I can do or achieve. Nothing I could want as bad as a kid. The only way I can literally move on would be to die. That way I can either go to hell, if there is one, and I’ve been in hell enough here, or maybe I’ll come back and kill someone, then have it all. Or at least my top dreams.

I have a husband that’s straight out of a fairytale. I don’t have to be drugged up, live in the places I’ve lived in, be around the people I’ve been around, so, why isn’t that enough? Isn’t it selfish and wrong of me to want more and to want a child, anyway? Why can’t I just be happy with the way things are? It comes back to the same answer, though. I love my husband, I love my hobbies, but I want a child. I don’t want to be or do what God wants me to be or do. I want a child. My husband wants a child. I don’t want to just accept and leave things the way they are, but what kind of wife am I? Just a wife who can’t give her husband or herself what they really want most, besides each other.

All I am is a dreamer. That’s all my life has been based upon are dreams. Wishing I could always keep a schedule, quit smoking, and have a kid. Well, there’s no reason to keep a schedule, except for a few appointments here and there. There’s no reason to quit smoking since I only sing as a hobby and since there’ll never be a child to be up for constantly, day after day, and therefore not wanting the effects of cigarettes to make that all the harder to do and put me at risk of an ER attack, and I certainly don’t want to add any more years to this empty, hopeless life of mine that’s over. And they say your life is over once you have a kid? Well, I wish it was over for that purpose, but no, it’s over cuz I can’t do or have anything I really want. Yes, we may have newer and better gadgets and things, move someday, take a nice trip to California, but that’s it. The first best dream is out of the question.

I almost wish I could go kill Quinn as that way Andy won’t have to worry about going back to him and that way there’ll be one less sicko in this world and then maybe God will love us enough to give us what he gives to 98% of the world. A child. A simple child. Not lots of them. Not a couple of them. Just one child.

Now I look at the what-ifs. What if I hadn’t been a DES daughter? What if I had been fertile? What if I did get pregnant? Would it have made me as happier and as fulfilled as I always believed it would? Or would God have killed it or would he have made me miserable all over again in a new and different way? Could my body really take it? Would I really lose my mind? Would I be another Dureen? Would our marriage get worse or end? Well, no one will ever know the answers to these questions.

Would taking the pregnancy test at the end of this month really be wise? I mean, why should I be a sucker and even more of a fool? A sterile woman taking a pregnancy test? Oh, please!

All I know is that I’ve got to do something. I can’t keep going on like this and going through this month after month, year after year, but you know what? There’s not a damn thing I can do, compliments of God. I’m only right where he wants me to be and right where I’ll always be, with no way to fix this, and with no way out. I can do absolutely nothing about this. My life and my body just don’t belong to me.

I also tell myself a lot, well, if you were just better in bed, maybe Tom would get off more. OK, so I’m not great in bed, and if he got off more and was happy with that, great. But that’s all he could be about it - happy. Not making me pregnant. It doesn’t matter how often we screw, how good we are in bed, how often he gets off, or how happy he is about getting off little, a medium amount, or a lot, I love our fun, I want to get better in bed, I want my husband to be sexually satisfied, happy, complete, but that’s about all that can ever happen and I don’t know about that either. My talents lie in art and music, not sex. I believe Tom when he tells me I’m beautiful and that what he sees doesn’t matter, cuz it’s what his emotions are that counts, but I’m still not the slim, fit person I once was, either.

Later…

Just went to take a dump and this time I wiped nothing off. The spots I had earlier were not enough to flow onto a liner. I still don’t know if I buy the fact that I’ve heard that most women who are in the early stages of pregnancy bleed to some degree or have spots. Pregnant women don’t bleed or spot, do they? Not unless they’re having a miscarriage.

I shouldn’t have thrown my old typed journal stuff to the recyclers. I should’ve used the backs of those sheets for drafts.

I changed Gizzy’s cage the other day. What a breeze it was! It only took me a few minutes.

I did a couple more face drawings yesterday that came out pretty well. Of course, this is one of my trade-offs and compensations for being sterile. Bet I couldn’t draw or sing if I could have a child!

THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 6, 1997 No lights or cars next door at all from the late afternoon till now.

Miss Hawaii won the Miss USA Pageant.

After tomorrow I’ll be free to not worry about my schedule. I must say I’m proud of myself, though. I really thought that by now, I’d be having a hard time waking up before 4 PM. This must be the longest time I’ve held my schedule within a 4-5-hour time frame in years.

Nicole Brown Simpson and her pal Ronald Goldman, were murdered by O.J. Simpson, of course, and their parents just won an 8.5-million-dollar lawsuit against O.J. O.J. must’ve not had an all-black jury this time around and I still can’t believe some woman like me hasn’t killed him. This killer’s very lucky to be alive, but God would and will see to it that someone like O.J. lives a long, healthy life, with life’s finest offerings and material stuff.

I’m very glad the Browns and the Goldmans won their settlements and I never thought they would, but there are 4 problems with this. O.J. isn’t going to be killed or at least sued like he should be, the Browns and Goldmans will never collect a dime of this settlement, and even if the Browns and Goldmans got the full settlement, O.J. will still be rich. Lastly, O.J. still gets to keep his kids.

Is this a sick world and God we have, or what?

The sick assholes in court say that there’s such a bond between him and the kids and that just cuz he could and did kill his wife, doesn’t mean he can and will kill his kids. Oh yeah?! Well, let me tell you - as soon as those kids step out of line and really piss him off, he will kill them, too. Those kids are in danger and who the fuck do the courts think they’re kidding? Well, I just hope the kids see their dad for what he really is, break away from him and never associate with him. I would think that at least 1 or 2 out of the 4 kids will really wonder about him as they get older, realize the danger there is in being around him, and get away and stay away.

So, that’s the scoop on O.J. Meanwhile, I don’t want to hear his name. I don’t want to see his face. The thought or sight of him makes me sick and madly furious.

Fuck you, God! Just fuck you! For the way you allow this world to be and for the way you run and control my life and body (yes, I think I’ve felt some light pre-cramps). I know I’m gonna get my period. What else is new? It’s the story of my life. However, why do I feel a few so faintly? In fact, I’m not even totally sure they were pre-cramps, but why don’t I have strong, very obvious pre-cramps? Oh well. Tomorrow for sure.

I just hope God doesn’t fuck around with me. I mean, there’s no reason why I should have spots or any other weird episode, but why do I have a very strong feeling that this will not be a normal period? You know, as in too damn light? God’s adding insult to injury. If I must have all my periods, can’t they be normal, so I don’t have to have all this water on me?

After tomorrow night, I’ll be having Andy over to get his birthday presents. The journal and the soap puzzle book. I hope he likes them.

My sore throat is gone now, so that’s one less thing to have to deal with and worry about.

Tomorrow, after seeing Dr. Nielsen, we’re gonna go pick up invoice forms. AMEX needs that in order to pay him. We also have to pick up some stamps.

Tom’s so sweet. He’s gonna give me $20 out of the $200 for testing his program and giving him feedback. With that, plus my $10 of spending money for next month, I’m gonna get two mugs and two puzzles. This is cool, cuz I had thought I was gonna have to wait till May or June for this.

I wish to hell my folk’s package would hurry up and get here! I can’t wait to see these pictures and show them to Tom.

Well, that’s it, I’m out of here!

Later…

Went to see Nielsen today and all looks great. I don’t have to see him again till August 7th.

I’m still having fantastic PMS luck. And I thought last month’s PMS was the easiest? No way. This one’s the easiest I’ve had in probably years. I have no pre-cramps and I’m still not sure if I felt slight pre-cramps last night or not. It was probably just the normal feelings a body feels at times. It’s really weird that I’m not depressed, irritable or horny, but I can’t complain. Tom couldn’t get hit with this AMEX job at a better time, since now’s when I’m usually very horny and want him around as much as possible.

Like I said before, I have a feeling this isn’t going to be a normal period. I have a feeling I’m in for a very light and quick period or another spot attack. It wouldn’t surprise me at all if that were to be my present from God for saying and writing all the things I’ve said and written about him, but hey, I honestly feel the way I do and I wouldn’t have said and written these things if I didn’t. He took away my right to have a child. He can’t punish me any more than he already has, so, go on God, spot me out all you want, or have something go wrong. I’ve been expecting it. It’s about time, huh? I did say that this was to be the year, after all, that sterility would be “proven” so to speak. In a way that even Tom won’t be able to deny. I still don’t know, though, if I could possibly have a problem with some gland or hormones, but we’ll see in March.

The constant peeing has stopped, but I’m still 104. I wonder if I’ll be 106 after I have whatever kind of a period I’m to have when it should be the other way around. You should drop weight after a period. For a while there, I would be at 99, then about 102 at PMS and period times, then go right back to 99 afterward, but not anymore. Who knows, maybe I will have a normal period after all, but there is still something in the back of my mind that says, I don’t think so! As long as God can be kind enough to keep me from having to have any surgery. I’ve had enough. Well, Tom is right more than most of the time, so if he says there’s a 1% chance that something’s wrong, then I believe him. I want to believe him.

I still have a feeling, also, that there’s some other reason for his wanting to get a pregnancy test at the end of this month. If he really wanted to learn about how the test works and all about it, he could research it in an encyclopedia or on AOL or the web. I asked him this and he said something about their information not always being accurate. Oh. Anyway, I’m gonna feel really weird doing this - a sterile woman taking a pregnancy test. What a joke! The question is why is he suddenly so curious and interested in this now? What does he want to do this for? Is there some other reason he hasn’t told me about? If he thought I was pregnant, he’d have said so, and again, how could I be if I were fertile? The shot in the right time frame was too wimpy and I could barely feel it and the bed wasn’t so soaked. The biggie was too late.

Well, all I can do is hope to hell I get a normal period and lose this water. That’s the only choice, next to having a half-assed period or spots and still being all watery.

WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 5, 1997 Got up at 1 PM today. Only one more day left to hold my schedule steady - yeah! Tomorrow I can sleep till 2:00. I’ll shower tonight, so I won’t have to worry about that tomorrow.

Now AMEX is paying Tom $200 instead of $50. They want him to make a major change in their label printing thing, not a minor change. He wants me to help him out by formatting some disks for his friend Eileen (they used to work together at AMEX), but I don’t know if I know how. Do I? I can’t remember, but if not, he’ll show me what to do.

If I’ve got my facts straight, he’s taking this work to AMEX on Friday, then following Eileen home to do work for her on her computer. She’s gonna pay him, too. In case I didn’t say so before, Eileen and her husband are in their 60s.

So far, my predictions that I wrote down (he did too), that’s sealed in an envelope and not to be read till April 1st, are ringing very true. I saw this extra money coming in, but I didn’t know the source. I couldn’t have said it’d be due to AMEX and Eileen. The only thing I may be wrong on that I predicted would be the amount of his cumming. I said he’d still be cumming 1-3 times a month. We’ll see, but I wouldn’t be surprised, though, if some kind of shit hit the fan making us not have the time to see just how much more or not he could cum.

The freeloaders left before I got up and when I checked a couple of hours ago, I saw one of those city neighborhood vehicles there again, but it wasn’t a van with that logo on it, it was a car. Come to think of it, I don’t think they need a rent sign up. I believe there never was a rent sign up at the house Andy’s renting and that he found it by checking newspaper ads and I think that’s the case here. It’s just in the paper and on fliers.

Later…

I've been regular, haven’t eaten yet, and I still weigh a damn 104 lbs.

That mouse’s cage needs to be changed ASAP for sure. It reeks!

I had a sore throat last night and today. Luckily, though, it’s better and I don’t feel like I have a cold.

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 4, 1997 Just got off the phone with Sandy and Jen. I screwed up, though. I thought that Jen’s birthday was today and that Sandy’s was tomorrow, but it’s the other way around. Oh, well, no big deal, as they said.

Then I called Larry at work. He said it’s gonna be a while before he’s in a talking mood and in the mood for jokes, but he and the others are doing remarkably well. I don’t think one can talk about something too much, in my opinion, but I was afraid they wouldn’t talk enough, as it sounds like they’re balancing communication, work, and other stuff quite well. They are a very strong family. I reminded Larry that if he needed someone to talk to, I was there for him and he appreciated that. That’s all anyone can do for him or any of them I guess.

The phone’s ringing now and I’m sure it’s Andy. I don’t feel like talking as long as he likes to, so I’ll let him leave a message. I hope he’s OK. He’s still putting up with Quinn’s abuse and he called me yesterday about it. He can come to me anytime with any problem, but I wish he’d just ditch this asshole for once and for all. He’s never let anyone else treat him the way he lets Quinn treat him and it’s ridiculous. What happened to the Andy that has self-respect and doesn’t take any shit he doesn’t deserve? I really think he’s mistaking lust for love, but only he knows how he truly feels. Still, how can you love someone who cuts you down all the time and who’s always threatening you? Wouldn’t he or anyone rather be alone than be in a bad relationship? I just want to go over there and shake this guy. I wish he’d move out of state but fat chance. Well, hopefully, he’ll end up in jail for years but fat chance again. These are the kinds of sick assholes that God gives it all to and that are very lucky in money, health, escaping the law, etc.

I hope I finally get the stuff Ma’s sending today and I wish to hell I’d get a call or a letter from Anne and Harry and Paula, but I don’t know about that.

I’m having major PMS luck. All I have is tits that are a bit sore and today’s the second day I’ve been stuck. I won’t count the bloating, since I’m bloated all the time. I have no pre-cramps, but I’m sure they’re well on their way. I’m only 4-5 days away from my rag, so I should get hit pretty hard with cramps any second now.

Of course, now’s when God takes complete control over my body and I have no say in it whatsoever. I say I want to be pregnant, God laughs and makes me get my period. I’m sure it’ll be real light again, though, but all my rights go to him now. There isn’t a damn thing I can do to take charge of my own body.

Today AMEX called Tom (where he used to work), and they want to pay him to do some programming to make some changes to some kind of labels they use for something.

AOL is so fucked up and I’m so sick of their shit. All kinds of people are filing lawsuits against them, cuz it’s so hard to get online. Either that or they’re deliberately kicking people off-line, cuz they just don’t have enough phones and equipment to handle the high volume of traffic. They switched to flat rates just so they could fuck with everyone. They figured they wouldn’t make it easy for people, since they gave us all a break with flat-rate fees.

I’m not sure now if next door really is moving or not. I still see no car over there, but in the early evenings there are lights on usually, then they go off at around 9:30 when she goes to bed. I believe she and the kid get picked up by her dad at around 7:30 AM. There’s also no for-rent or for-sale sign up. This must explain why I don’t have the “new tenant jitters.”

Tom and I agreed to take $10 a month for each of us to buy whatever we want. He used his $10 at the racetrack and I used my $10 to get a new cat mug (a Maine Coon). I also got the animals a treat. I may save the next 3-4 months’ worth of money, so I can buy 2 mugs and 2 puzzles. I certainly won’t be needing journals for quite a while. I’m about at the end of this one, but I have 6 blanks left.

Later…

Yesterday, Tom and I also went to the library where I got two more Dean Koontz books. I also got two audio cassettes where Norah reads the life story of Jill Ireland. I believe she was an actress, too.

Well, now I’ve got to go dry the clothes I’m washing now.

Later…

Tom said to wake him up if he’s not up by 10:00.

I finally did a duty, so no more being stuck.

I think I mentioned sending an email to a theater that I thought may be able to give me an address to send Norah fan mail, but I had no luck. They sent a reply back saying they knew nothing about it or anyone else that did. So, I just tried somewhere else, but I doubt I’ll ever find a way to write to her. I’m still trying to find an address for Writers/Artists. That’s the agency she works for.

Still nothing yet from Mom and Dad, but I sent their letter out today. The one setting them straight about not telling me what to do and all about how I’ll do and say what I so desire. They can either bitch about it or accept it, but that is the way it’s gonna be.

I also sent them a copy of He Was Only Sixteen.

I see a light on next door. I never heard any car doors, signaling someone may have been dropped off there and now I think that they may have a light on a timer to make it look like someone’s there at least in the early evenings. Maybe they have it set to go on at around 7 PM - 10 PM. Maybe they’ve been staying at their new place for the most part during these last several months. Someone had to have been there Sunday night, though, or very early Monday morning, to put their recycle can out, cuz we saw it out there when we left in the mid-afternoon to go to the library and the pet store.

I’m just so amazed at this awesome PMS I’m having. It’s weird, though, how I’m not really horny every minute like I usually am at this time, and a part of me hopes he wakes up too late for sex. Maybe I’ll get in the mood later, though. Still no pre-cramps, but I know that within the next 24 hours, I’m gonna get slammed with them big time. I can tell, though, that this period is gonna be way too light, so all the more, I’ll be retaining more water. I researched water retention in AOL’s encyclopedia and it suggests something could not only be wacky with the hormones but also with the pituitary or thyroid glands, though I hope not. I don’t want to have to deal with any bullshit or pop pills, but if it’ll help me, I suppose it’d be for the better. I just want to know why I’m like this and what I can do about it and that is, after all, what I’m mainly seeing Rugg about.

Later…

Well, the freeloader just came in at a little past 11:00. I’ve never known him to come in at that hour. The music was at a reasonable volume, but I have a feeling that that may only have been due to his having the windows shut. I swear, though, if he goes back to his old earthquaking, bass-thumping shit, I’ll make the little bastard sorrier than all hell. What’s weird about it is why would he come in at just after 11:00? And why on a Tuesday night? I really thought the freeloaders wouldn’t be back till the weekend and no, they’re definitely not moving. That house for rent must’ve been a similarly designed house, but not on this street.

SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 2, 1997 Still no one next door.

Anyway, I may need two Benadryls tonight.

Tom went to the track yesterday. He didn’t win, but he had fun.

Got up at 11 AM today and I only needed one Benadryl last night.

Anyway, now I can explain those “gone vibes” I had about next door and how I kept saying it seemed too good to be true that they’d stay here. Especially since they’ve shut up. It’s when they finally shut up that they move and I thought God was being way too nice as far as neighbors go and that it seemed a logical time for that house to turn over now. The last time we saw the Jeep over there was last Saturday or Sunday. Meanwhile, they take off frequently for a few days at a time.

However, Tom said someone came to the door this morning and thought this house was for rent. The description of the house, though, fit theirs to a T. They’re asking $675, though! Like Tom said, at that ridiculous price, it should be vacant till mid-summer, and then it should take several more months for the price to be talked down. Then he said that as the person was asking him about a house for rent (who knows why our address was on it), some car he never saw before drove in there. So, it looks like that place could be vacant for many months and I hope so. As soon as I hear kids using that basketball hoop or as soon as it looks vacant, I’ll lock the hoop up.

Of course, it could be a mistake altogether. It could be a different street or a completely different number than ours or theirs, but I doubt it. I think they’re moving out little by little and they’ll never be back as of any time now. They may already be gone for good.

I have no vibes yet on what’s coming in there next, but logic tells me that although that bass really frayed my nerves, God’s not gonna be so kind the next time around. Except for the bass, they were great neighbors. Well, I did just say, after all, that God’s been way too good to me lately, as far as neighbor’s noise goes. Also, it seemed the perfect time for them to move, now that they’re hardly ever there and have been quieter. God’s gonna get me good for these last several months of peace and really compensate the hell out of me. It’ll either be the bass that can wake me up or a bunch of loud kids, who scream and play ball constantly and have a dog or two. Yup, another M family.

Naturally, I don’t feel as victorious as I used to when seeing a prediction I’ve made come true. It now only serves as a reminder as to how right my vibe is about never having a kid.

Later…

Tom just did some awesome backyard work. He raked up those roof bits that were all over the lawn and he cut down half of the hedges against the wall that divides our backyard from theirs, where the clothesline is.

He said he could hear someone working over there. Maybe it’s the landlord getting the place ready for the next tenants, that’ll hopefully not move in for a year. Now that’s asking for way too much. I guess I sense that the new people will move in in 6-9 months, but that’s pushing it. That’d take major luck, even if the price is outrageous. I just hope that everyone who comes to see it doesn’t like what they see for as long as possible, though.

Tom had wondered why a truck didn’t come to move them out. Well, a truck didn’t come to move them in, either. There was a truck there, but it was only some kind of service truck. Mike had told me they moved in little by little over about a month’s time, so obviously, they’ve been moving out little by little. That must explain why I hear so many doors shut when they leave. Cuz each time they’ve come around, which has been once or twice a week over the last several months, they’ve taken something with them. At least I won’t have to worry about some summer parties. I’m sure that if they had been here this summer, there’d have been a few all-day parties just like last summer. It did always seem that these were hot-weather people.

Once again, sterility’s so obvious. How could I have a lifelong vibe hold up since I've known Tom then suddenly end up being wrong while I predict other smaller things accurately? There’s no way. I know I’m right about the sterility. I’m not gonna sense something like this so strongly all my life, then end up wrong.

Last night I had the best luck ever with drawing. I did another woman, just like the night before and it’s probably my best ever.

Later…

I just took all of my songs and put them each in different fonts. I’ll still keep those and my letters I do in different fonts, but from now on these journals will be in easy-to-read, complete fonts. Different colors, though.

SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 1, 1997 I have a couple of things to write about that are good news. In fact, I was so excited that I had trouble sleeping after taking the Benadryl and didn’t get up till 11 AM today. I’ve got to really watch it now. I still have 5 more days I can’t afford to wake up too late.

The minor piece of good news is that they did return last night. Well, I didn’t know they returned due to hearing them blast in, but due to looking and seeing the car there. They left again this morning before I woke up.

It’s been peacefully quiet today. Not even those damn dogs are going off.

The major piece of good news is that Tom broke a record and came last night. It hasn’t even been a week since he last came, and he’d normally go 2-4 weeks before cumming again! How wrong I was yet again! He believes it is definitely due to our new plan where I keep talking and keep getting things out before I blow up. In 4-to 5 days is where I’m gonna have to really watch it and keep it together as the PMS sets in. No pre-cramps today, but my tits are getting a bit sorer. Not too bad, though, like I thought it’d be.

I wish one of us had come up with this grand idea last July. I’m glad he thought of it, cuz I’d never have thought of it in a million years. Never again will I ever bash the idea of communication. I had thought it’d start fights, but nope, we just say what we feel and believe and that’s it, whether we agree with each other or not.

It was great to wake up today, for the first time in a while, and have good feelings and hope and positive energy. Although I know that some of these feelings may be false and just wishful thinking and that in the end, I won’t succeed, it’s still a nice breath of fresh air, rather than waking up with that typical feeling of doom and sadness. Followed by emptiness, anger, frustration, and just not wanting to live.

We have a case of too little and too late, though. Meaning, that even if I were as fertile as a Mexican, the last shot was too late and the one before it was too little.

Not only is Tom beating the pants off me as far as sexual progress goes, but he’s also proven to be a much better detective than I am. Especially with his much broader knowledge of computers, AOL, and the web.

He found the agency Norah works for and the drama school she went to in England. Also, the fact that she just performed there and is doing theater work. Lastly, a guy who claims to have a naked picture of her and that he gives pictures to people for free. Well, today I tried to find a way to send an email to these people and places to get the picture and to see if there’s an address to send her fan mail but had no luck. All I found was an address that might be that theater and I sent them mail asking them if they knew how I could send fan mail to her or someone else who knew how I could go about doing that.

I’ve been doing a cigarette experiment by smoking stronger cigarettes to see if it helps to cut me down. It is, but not by much. My lungs are OK, though.

I got very lucky with my drawing last night. Did one that was so-so, but I also did one that came out pretty darn good, and am happy with it. Still wish I could draw anything, anytime, though.

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