#i am the definition of suffering from success rn

[idubildino]

my jewelry store is blowing up from one reel and it's so cool but I'm also so exhausted 🫠

[nights-at-crystarium]

on authenticity

My mood in the recent months keeps going from bad to worse. Today I randomly fell into the rabbit hole of checking out other patreon artists, which always grounds me in reality and cheers me up, perhaps in a weird way. Essay incoming \o/

Authenticity is a blob of a word that sounds almost pretentious nowadays. It gets sneered at. You either sell your soul, or you don't earn with your art.

What's authentic, being true to yourself, will vary from person to person. It's like a sliding scale of suffering that you will tolerate in exchange for a coin, while convincing yourself that you have fun.

The harsh truth of modern world is that if your art pays for your living, you've already reached success, no matter how you may feel about the type of content you actually make for that money. Insert the meme furry nsfw art here. Or not furry. Or even sfw, but comms, lots of comms every month. Or merch. Anything that sells. Products first, art second.

Marrying passion and profession is virtually impossible, yet I'm doing it, only thanks to your support. I'm acutely aware that, even as I choose to be "real" and talk about an artist's money-making in a raw way, it's still patreon talk, and yes, I'll plug the link as well, so technically this entire post is an ad *fingerguns*

I just feel so privileged being able to create whatever the fuck I want, literally, I take no comms/requests/guidance on what and how should I draw/write, I post experimental, sometimes provocative stuff, and still make enough to survive. This sole fact should get me through the day, whatever other struggles I may be facing currently (I am. I don't wanna talk about it rn, instead I distract myself with this text), I should always remember the unique place in life I managed to carve for myself.

There are madmen (gender-neutral) who toss $10-20 at me every month. The majority "only" pledges $1, the notorious tier that gets treated as a tip jar with no rewards by many other creators. All of my rewards are the same at $1 and $20 (save for the one-time digital artbook download at $10, just to be perfectly clear), it's a conscious choice and a risk I continue taking because it's how I am. I used to split rewards between tiers in the past, before xiv, and it was a lot of busy work while it made me treat my art less as art and more as product. This pic goes into the cheap box, this pic goes into the expensive box. Every month. It's. Definitely not for every artist.

Logistic hell of splitting and delivering rewards, different posts with less comments per post, also my discord roles/channels would have to be split, nowadays it's just patron, whether you give me $1 or $20, there's no visual disparity, you're hanging out in the same cool kids' club, and collectively making happy noises on Fragments Fridays.

Could I be making more money if I got rid of the $1 tier? Yeah. But, mercifully, after 2 years I don't need to. I legit make enough currently, my only worry is to keep what I have. Patrons don't stay forever, 2-5 people would leave every month, about the same number would join (hence my patreon ads, I need to keep people reminded of it, even if it makes me feel guilty every damn time). I did Research (tm) in the past to find out that my "bleeding" numbers are below average, i.e. it's good, people generally tend to stick around.

I put a lot of emphasis on the $1 because I'm kinda proud of what I managed to accomplish while staying self-detrimentally humble. Literally doing an impossible thing in a world that keeps burning down. So yeah if you've been feeling bad for only giving me $1, what matters is that there's enough $1s to make a difference. Together you're creating a phenomenon, and you should be proud.

There are many stupid little principles, hills that I'll die on, that make up my authenticity. I chose to speak of it here and now in order to sorta sell myself, so it feels hypocritical x'D But if I don't shine a spotlight on this, who will. I'm old and jaded and increasingly terrified of how insincere the internet's becoming. Everything's fake, sugarcoated, polished for sale. My art's always been a scream of defiance against all that, now that I'm more or less established, I wanna scream louder. Thanks for hearing my screams. You can scream with me too if you want.

[velvetrambles]

i think the most evil thing in the world is deadlines, and specifically the deadlines of holiday themed creativity cause i should definitely write some christmas themed oneshots again this year but my art motivation keeps snatching my attention away from google docs. i am literally suffering from success rn

[badedramay]

tentatively excited for jannat se aagay because i think its premise looks Just different enough for it to be semi-interesting but im pretty much all in for Mein as of rn lol.. i think ayeza is a genuinely good actress with star power who gets relegated to the same roles all the time so this darkish glamorous tone has me so intrigued.... Not really a wahaj fan but i think their chemistry was chemistrying enough that if they actually do go the morally grey route for ayeza i'll watch.

also i saw you ask for green tv recs and i don't wanna be one of those people that says ALL OF THEM bc how counter-productive so here's some base-level reviews for the ones i've watched: tumhare husn ke naam is a classic romance that i think earns the 90s drama comparisons. very sweet so far but i think its most unique aspect is that this is the first time since mera naam yousuf hai probably that ive been endeared to an imran abbas character lol. jeevan nagar is really funny and rabia butt is a gem i'm very excited for her career but tonally it's something i have a hard time getting into.. reminds me of old pakistani skit shows but elevated to a certain level. kabli pulao i actually haven't seen which is blasphemous but the premise didn't intrigue me at all... might give it a chance for nadia afghan. 101 talaqain has an interesting story but i couldnt continue it because the direction was choppy and contrived. idiot suffers from a lack of defined secondary characters but the main two are very very endearing and well-acted so its like... if youre willing to sacrifice your time watching ahmed ali akbar and mansha pasha play the main couple from 3 idiots. finally, i think 22 qadam might be my favorite? its directed well and the storyline is actually intriguing so far even though from the teasers i was worried about how they were gonna do the cricket stuff (they managed it well). couldn't tell you about the romance bc there's been one interaction at the point im at but hareem CARRRRRIES and wahaj actually plays charismatic foil pretty well. sorry these are all just rambles but i hope u have a great day <3

I don't think Ayeza gets relegated to the same roles though? she tries to switch it up whenever she can. of course her "damsel in distress" roles outnumber her other characters but she has given a success in Meenu (a bubbly character) and in Mere Pass Tum Ho and Yaariyan (negative characters). Laapata toh had her playing a bubbly, negative-ish character. she definitely has the range and she looks terrific onscreen. even more so since she has started taking charge of the styling of her characters. her wardrobe in Mein looks ek dum GORGEOUS I just know Imma be salivating on her looks alot. Wahaj-Ayeza chemistry..idk..haven't been WOWed by it yet but i am hoping the drama itself will change that perspective.

thank you for the rundown about Green Ent's shows! i still haven't gotten the time or frankly even the inclination of checking out any of these. I read multiple complains about the channel's shows' having techincal issues that overall impacted the quality of the shows and honestly that has me hesitating in checking them out. alsoooo...maybe it's just me but there's something a little "off" about all of the dramas either the casting or the kind of stories that are telling that just doesn't pique my interest? i am not writing the channel or the content off entirely..i hope it will offer me something in the future that will have me taking this channel seriously but so far, I am far more concerned about shows that happen on the Big 3 channels of PakTV and am treating Green as just a beta version of a channel that needs time and continuous tinkering to work out its chinks before I consider it ready as a channel to be invested in.

[lostacelonnie]

Definitely understandable i easily lose the energy to talk with people when i have to interact with family. So you're good. Ah yes the dont worry about it approach my favorite. Especially when what you do in regards to you is your business. Well between last message & now i forgot so thats a good indicator of how thats goin. Beaches over here are hit & miss but the closer ones to me arent as popular thankfully. Hm. What is a2 knowledge & how is it getting worse? I adore colder climates heat is not kind to me at all. Tents are. Well. Some are decently priced depending on how big of one you get. Oh i definitely recommend going with friends its a lot of fun. Ive been slacking a bit on the game but so far clara is workin for me. Probably wont have enough for kafka. Oooh good luck to you with all your pulls. Story spoilers aren't a major thing for me because the how is always still fun. Definitely understand some just dont want em at all. Every time i try minecraft im like. Never sure what i want to do. So kudos to you for stickin with the game & having fun. Smaller cities are nice love having close stuff without being in like. A big city. Ah dang i hope you find that dye again in the future. Makeup is hard it should be easier for those who wanna wear it. Ive been so busy i missed. So many events whoops. Problem of bein stuck level gaining to continue story. Motivation is hard to come by. I busy myself reading or looking up new science discoveries when i dont wanna leave my room.

thankies ahdhfjfj!!! and, once again, apologies for the late reply. my grandma fortunately left a while ago but i was feeling Cranky and didnt wanna sound Annoyed With Existing ahdjfh. still kinda dying inside since i return to school in 2 weeks but fuck it we ball we stay silly etc. COMING BACK. yeah like "nobodys gonna know-" "theyre gonna know." "how would they know". and understandable sjdkfgjk consider this your reminder then. and ahh fair i live pretty far away from the sea so i dont really know good Spots i guess. BUT i do like lake beaches since theyre way more quiet most of the time. and basically im not exactly sure in how many countries it applies, im thinking most of europe? but essentially language knowledge here is divided by levels, a1 -> a2 -> b1 -> b2 -> c1 -> c2 with c2 being the highest. and well i guess theres also a0 but thats just when you start. a2 is just speaking Basic English, so like enough to survive if you go to an english speaking country but not much more. for reference, by tests ive done, my level is like between b2 and c1 so very decent but i dont know most of the "fancier" and more specific words. and with it "getting worse" i mean that [at least from what our teacher told us] the textbooks are getting easier and easier so people are leaving school not actually knowing almost anything. yeah SAME its been so hot here recently so ive been Suffering. and yeah i know but me and my mother dont really know if its a good idea to buy one since we dont really go camping anyway. but maybe when im an adult im gonna get more into it, esp if i have ppl to do it with. and ah thats nice to hear!!! i DID manage to get kafka and her lightcone so ive been having fun with her recently. actually overpowered. tho i heard shes quite f2p friendly. and oh understandable!! i unfortunately used to be on tiktok where they spoil EVERYTHING and its impossible to avoid so ever since then ive been extra careful. tho i kinda feel that way ab fontaine rn [cos i ended up actually being kinda interested] since i cant download it rn but still am excited 4 the story despite knowing little unconnected bits. and fair, minecraft def isnt for everyone but its very good for chilling out at least to me. rn im procrastinating on beating the ender dragon so im just maxxing out my gear rn. and yeah but im still gonna see whether or not i wanna live a long way from my family. oh well i still have time. also thanks!!! i have not been successful yet but i bought another dye so im gonna keep you updated on that. and ahhhh understandable, ive been Grinding so i didnt have that problem sjfkg i should build my sampo but. ah. i hate grinding artifacts. pretty excited for the 1.3 simulated universe update tho!!! esp since im really curious about the aeons so seeing more of the propagation is sth im looking forward to. but good luck!!! and VERY real i like doing wikipedia deep dives esp about marine animals. im a fishpilled oceancel but i unfortunately suffer from Not Remembering Anything Ive Read Ever.

[rainbow-arrow]

Plz talk about Luka for bingo sheet

(I'll as k Adrien next)

Luka Couffaine my Beloved

okay time to ~elaborate~ on some 'x's'

i am Very mentally ill about him that's not a fucking understatement. that square was made For Me. Luka Couffaine is My blorbo. i don't think i post about him that much in comparison, but i write, and therefore, think a Lot about him. he is SO MUCH deeper than definitely the fandom likes to view him as-- now. my absolute Favorite moment in All of season four, is in wishmaker:

((SORRY THIS GOT SO MUCH LONGER THAN ANTICIPATED))

"Not even you, right?"

THIS BOY'S like the ONLY ONE who got REAL development in season four and it's ACCEPTING LIES. he's literally gotten two full episodes previously about how much he values the Truth and how The Truth is what's important and from there he realized that sometimes the full truth is not the most important.

I hate how they did him so dirty and making Him be the first person to see the lovesquare, i have written an essay on this, but i really which he Just found out Adrien's so he a. doesn't have to Suffer watching this terrible trap and b. feel more okay telling adrien he knows. i mean, I want adrien to tell him, but that's such a far off wish they don't even get screen time together anymore.

also i wrote Most of untitled Prior to season four coming out (i have skeletons up to 76 rn that were all vague-idea-ed Over a Year ago, and lemme tell you???? i got a Lot of things right regarding luka's characterization that were later revealed in season four??? i know him a lot and i love him a lot????

the 'x's' are obvious, but the 'o's' are Yes but or Yes and-- wow...they are literally me! = in a very normal sense, I want to be more like him in the sense of like. chill. i could write an essay about this but i won't. nothing i like about them is technically canon = everything i like about him is implied canon. he does Not have a lot of screen time and from that i have spent Hours analyzing and making decisions in fics for him based on said observations. everyone but me is wrong about them <3 = i wish i could be more normal, but i cannot consume Most media regarding him bc in general the miraculous fandom they work better as part of a dynamic: no right hiding my lukadrien preference on a post about luka couffaine. but also in general, he fits so well with everyone he works with. there's Good reason he's so successful as the snake miraculous holder, requiring observation and creativity and patience. Adrien was so right that he was perfect for it. desperada was so good for lukadrien i can't get over it. Luka's Great alone. i love him regardless, but even being the cheerful older brother,

!! important notes !! yes. both 'they are so cool looking' and 'why do they look like that' if they spent like. half the effort they did on luka animation that they did on like. any lovesquare moment, he would simply be too powerful. also in my head he's

i did Not select 'wasted potential' bc i Do have hope for season five. i stupidly, oh so incredibly foolishly stupid of me, but i have a hope that he's going to get what he rightfully deserves (on-screen friendship with adrien) in season five.

honestly marinette was stupid for breaking up with luka couffaine but that's not fit for a luka appreciation post. i think that luka and marinette being together for any Real amount of time would have been. So. Good. for marinette. because he's patient. and kind. and understanding. and she really needs to slow her tempo a bit. my absolute Least favorite thing in the whole series is the fucking WHIPLASH from the end of season three to the beginning of season four where there was a buildup for lukanette and adrigami that was just. entirely unraveled in literally the first episode. they're Honestly different characters.

i will not elaborate bc i've made ninety three posts regarding it, but the couffaine's being twins, and Jagged Stone being their dad (at least how they chose to handle it) will Never be canon in my eyes. a dumb attempt at a 'fix-it' i will Never get over.

as far as fandom approach goes, in general it's p good at giving luka his Aesthetic:tm: that the show was clearly going for, but just so much better. Anyone who does an aged-up and includes various tattoos and piercings and continuously colored hair is doing So. Good. that's the Luka we'll never get to see, even in an aged-up ep (which i hope we never get sorry lol). but the part that just irks me is where a Lot of the time they make him out to be like a smooth talking flirt, and while he has Moments we cannot forget how short-lived they are

never forget the fact that he willingly chooses to have lipgloss when transformed name a more iconic hero i'll wait really.

oh while i'm at it, i have this really Big pet peeve where they just don't change his hair during his transformation. bc when he's viperion he's got the greener hair, and luka's rocking the blue and it drives me INSANE when they leave it blue.

look at him. what a dork. he deserves so much and he's getting literally nothing**

oh yes. his entire contribution to season four finale. we all know he wasn't included bc if he was the finale just. would Not have happened. honest. if he was there for like. Any Part of it, it wouldn't have played out. kinda cringe on the show writers part but that's a post for another day.

in conclusion, i love him, your honor.

[sukirichi]

i feel so... betrayed.

why do i have to suffer this much when i am just a victim of an irresponsible father and a failed marriage?

i am putting myself in y/n's shoes and i feel like considering death because i feel like the world hates me and condemns me for everything that i do

suki this was a nice chapter but i really cant help but to get annoyed at nagisa- i mean i know she's reasonable but has she heard the whole story?? shouldnt she be blaming her dad instead? bitch has the audacity to hurt my mother without seeing the whole picture?

we were all victims of the same guy... why are you saying everything would be fine if i wasnt born? was it my fault that i was born without my consent?

this is so heartbreaking. y/n getting slutshamed and humiliated and being wished she was never born because she's the outlet nagisa could pour her anger on- (and the fact that she became the outlet because dad was a bullshit person.) where the fuck is that man

he loved y/n's mom? oh please. was it really love or leisure? you dont want to lose a family? how DARE you. does your shit ass understand how cruel and heartless you were? you are a lame excuse of a man. running away from your family to make another one because you werent happy with the first? you .. are disgusting

nagisa and me deserved someone better as a dad... fuck u dad i hope ur dick gets butchered sometime

suki thank you thank you thank you for the amazing chapter. it was really nice and obviously made me feel a lot of things. this story is so... good and nice and heartbreaking

also if i get something wrong in here im sorry i mightve messed up my brain a lil bit

omg wait before I reply to this…is that a FERAL TOJI ICON?? PLS THAT’S SO SEKC OF YOU AGSJKAA. also, I totally understand everything you feel about the latest chapter !! Nagisa’s actions were definitely uncalled for since the violence wasn’t necessary, especially because Lucy (YN’s mom) was actually the one trying to fix things. it was all the dad’s fault.

though that got mistranslated in nagisa’s head especially with everything adding up to her torment such as abandonment + watching her sick mother get worse each day + finding out someone else had been completely happy with her father + knowing her father would’ve come back if only y/n wasn’t born, so along with all those issues, nagisa’s become a mess.

and omg ur thoughts on this yes yes this is exactly the same things what y/n is feeling, like she blames herself for being born because she feels it would’ve been all better if she wasn’t here even though deep down she knows it’s not really her fault

as for her dad…as mentioned in the scene where she had a date with kita, she’s still very much in contact with her dad and worse, her parents are working together in the same environment until now. they have to keep up appearances of a normal family as to not tarnish her mother’s reputation as a successful businesswoman. y/n and nagisa’s father, hiro, is still in their lives but only for professional reasons. y/n now lives alone, but occasionally she stays with her mom !! and omg yes fr hiro was so disgusting by using excuses of “having another family.”

pls like he could’ve just said he couldn’t cope with his wife’s sickness and found ‘happiness’ somewhere. he was really sickening.

and thank YOU for this omg !! you’ve got no idea how happy I am to be answering asks like these and the feedback + support you guys give mean the whole world to me !! like seriously I’m super thankful and happy rn ahsjkala. it means a lot to me when you guys take the time to send me this like…it puts a smile on my face and I’m forever grateful so YEP. sobs. thank you so much for being a part of broken records <33 !!

[chikkou]

Will you talk more about Lisa?? Lisa the character specifically but also your feelings on his feelings about Buddy? I just thought your analysis was so good and I want to hear other thoughts you have on her.

yall are honestly spoiling me rn sdhkfdjfks this is like a dream come true 

i already got into the stuff with buddy in this ask here but i have a LOT to say about lisa and the connection between her and buddy so u better settle in!

ok so firstly ill start with lisa. i played the original lisa game (lisa the first) not long after it first dropped in 2012, and im not even kidding when i said it changed me LMAO.... seeing a story about a girl suffering is nothing new, but austin jorgensens approach to it was so fucking unique. you dont just witness it, you get to EXPERIENCE it right along with her. many stories that involve sexual abuse/rape show or otherwise depict it explicitly for the shock value, which is both disgusting and, in my opinion, extremely fucking exploitative. i feel that it is horrific to dignify an act so deeply evil with screentime. but lisa stood out to me immediately because, even though you know exactly whats going on, the game NEVER shows anything explicit. everything is layered in subtext and symbolism, and austin is fantastic with indirect storytelling, so you learn so much from just a little drop of information. this applies not just to the game proper, but to the character as well.

in case its not clear: i absolutely ADORE lisa. she is my favorite character in all of the games, bar none. its going to sound kind of fucked up, but as a kid around her age going through some fucked up shit, her committing suicide at the end felt like a sort of victory to me. she knew she could never escape from marty or what he was doing to her. he leaks into every single part of her psyche, everything she ever cared about or loved is ruined because of him, and even the vague memory of her mother is completely corrupted, and turned into a muddled version of him. lisa the first also had the added benefit of some religious commentary, as there are crosses all over their home and marty is characterized as an extremely religious man, which i fucking LOVE and wish had come back in the painful, but its an acceptable loss. anyway, lisa committing suicide at the end was an act of defiance against not just marty, but martys god, as suicide is considered a mortal sin in catholicism. lisa knew she’d never be free of marty in life, so she escaped the only way she could; she was defiant to the end.

ive seen people complain that the painful has a bit of a “lost lenore” thing going on, since lisas death seems to fuel the Manpain of both brad and buzzo, but i actually disagree. on the contrary, its just like austin himself said - lisa will never be gone. lisa is ALWAYS there, with brad, and buzzo, and buddy, and marty, and yado, and the ENTIRE FUCKING WORLD. i dont necessarily think that there is something paranormal going on in the game, but i AM going to say that, unlike other cases of a girl/woman dying for a mans backstory, lisa isnt just a bittersweet memory they can reflect on and then put away when its convenient for them. she is a presence that is felt throughout the entire game. brad sees her more than once, sometimes watching, sometimes reprimanding him. buzzo is clearly haunted by her, as he cries out to her a few times in the joyful. every character who was directly touched by lisa - brad, marty, and buzzo - calls out to lisa as they die. call it their guilt or call it her actions, but in either case, it is clear that lisa just as significant of a character in the painful as she was in the first, even if she cant always be seen. even in a meta-sense, every game in the series - even the joyful, whose protagonist doesnt even know who she is - is named after her. she is at the center of everything that happens in them. 

that actually brings me to buddy, because i find the dynamic between her and lisa fucking fascinating. as i previously mentioned, brad never talked about his past with buddy, and snaps at her for bringing up his adoptive son dusty (rando), so it goes without saying that she definitely doesnt know who lisa is. in spite of that, though, lisa is a fucking massive part of buddys life, and while she may not know the person herself, i think she is aware that when people (and brad especially) look at her, they arent seeing HER. 

i mentioned it in another post, but even though brad takes it upon himself to raise and “protect” buddy, he seems to almost unwittingly recreate lisas appearance, primarily by allowing her hair to grow long even though he knows what a risk that is to her safety. he also treats buddy in a manner thats incredibly similar to how marty treated lisa (sans sexual abuse, of course) - he insults her, does not let her leave the house at all, and forces her to do unsavory things that no one should ever have to do (in buddys case, this means killing at least two innocent people because brad doesnt want a “weak” daughter). the most literal comparison between buddy and lisa is the fact that they are both very young girls being essentially held captive by their father figures, albeit for different reasons, and both long for freedom from their captors. 

theres also the fact that both buddy and lisa have to deal with misogyny and the effects of rape culture firsthand; they both battle against men who feel entitled to do with them whatever they please, and the threat of ongoing sexual abuse looms heavy over both of their heads. neither one can seek help from anyone; the neighbors in brad and lisas town seem complacent at best, if they even know what is happening to lisa at all, and buddys only allies (sans rando) are long dead by the start of the joyful. this is not just a hypothetical or a distant possibility. this is the real, tangible fate that will befall them if they cant somehow secure their safety.

sadly, because lisa wasnt playable in either of the rpgs, we dont know if she was able to fight as brad was, but it is highly probable that she had the innate skill but was never able to learn it (as marty highly discouraged them from learning “their grandfathers karate,” and seemed disgusted whenever brad did so). however, she did have ONE weapon she could make use of, and this is a weapon buddy ends up using, as well - her femininity. she became close to bernard (aka buzzo), made him fall in love with her, and then used him as a last ditch effort to stop martys abuse by having him mutilate her face. im not saying lisa never cared about bernard - in fact, i think she DID really love and care for him - but her own fucked up experiences with “love” meant she really couldnt understand what it was supposed to be like, or that it was wrong to manipulate the people you care about. lisa did very few things wrong - it pretty much just stops at the maiming of the cat and her manipulation of bernard - but she knew that she would never get away from marty without some kind of drastic action being taken, and scarring herself was her last ditch effort before ultimately committing suicide.

buddy ends up taking a somewhat similar tack in the joyful, and like in lisas case, its simultaneously resourceful and horrific. one of buddys key moves in the joyful is to flash the enemy (which the player obviously doesnt see) in order to distract them long enough to get the kill. its fucking horrible and disgusting and makes you feel so dirty, but then, how must buddy feel having to do something like that just to survive? shes just a child, but in a world where almost every man is out to get you, she knows this has to be done to save herself, very much like lisa. unlike in lisas case, though, buddy is successful in securing her safety in this way - lisas effort is for naught, and leads to her committing suicide not very long after. 

in a way, i sort of attribute buddys brutality to lisas omnipresence; all of the men pursuing buddy are just like marty, monsters who would harm a fucking child for their own disgusting ends, and i think that when buzzo said that lisa wouldve loved olathe, what he means is that she would have loved seeing so many horrible men being punished for what theyd done. so in my opinion, buddy carving out a place for herself in olathe by killing all those who would subjugate her seems very much in the mentality lisa would have had. sure, there are some innocents who sadly get roped into it, but that would definitely not be her intention; for example, if buzzo could have practiced amputation without harming a living thing, i dont think lisa would have asked him to practice on the cat. note the LACK of brutality at the beehive and the swamp bar, two of the few peaceful places in the painful and both devoid of predatory men hunting for buddy - lisa has no qualm with any of them. but marty? brad could hardly even get a full sentence out before killing him on the spot. i dont doubt that that has a great deal to do with lisas presence. 

ok i talked for a while LMAO but basically i think that, in a more metatextual sense, lisa and buddys relationship really strikes me as an accurate depiction of generational trauma. of course it was intentional with the more obvious trauma chain (marty to brad to buddy), but the trauma chain of marty to lisa to buddy is rarely ever addressed due to lisa not physically appearing in the painful. however, i believe it may inform buddys actions a great deal more than people realize - after all, buddys experience is unique, but who could understand it better than lisa? who knows that sort of pain, of being alone on an island, the lone woman trapped with a man (or men) who want nothing more than to cause you harm? even without her realizing it, lisa is guiding buddy, encouraging her to take back what is hers no matter the cost, to punish those who would try to take what they want from her. lisa might be dead, but she is a vengeful presence throughout every game, and buddys actions feel like theyre meant not only to save herself, but to avenge lisa, even if she doesnt realize it. at the end of the day, buddy and lisa both get to exact revenge against all the men who have wronged them, and they succeed. they are aggressive, and violent, and selfish, and ANGRY - and they have every fucking right to be. 

[paradife-loft]

A Smattering of More TGCF Thoughts, Having Finished Book 3

*not exhaustive, because that would be way too much; but still apparently enough rambling to need a cut for length

EVERYTHING IS METAPHYSICAL WORLDBUILDING...... I don’t even know if I have a specific place I’d want to start with this, bc it’s all just deeply fascinating trying to tease out how it all works, but. mmmm delicious crunchy worldbuilding on what heavenly officials (of each court) and ghosts even are, and how spiritual power works! what exactly ascending is, and what role “fate” plays in that, and what even is fate really? what relationship does fate have to social standing in one’s mortal life?

this is my shit. I love to know how it all works. I will poke at all the things.

BLACK. WATER. XUAN. it is probably obvious by now that I am in massive hearteyes with He Xuan?? just. the dramatic flair! the extent of being SO wronged! intense murder aesthetic!  d e d i c a t i o n. power and planning and being utterly terrifying as a trap closing in when the time comes - and an absolute Weirdo antisocial half-person Mess the rest of the time! “I am going to give you all these tests as opportunities to show that you see me, the person your successes came at the very literal physical cost of, and CARE to rectify that horrible injustice. show me that you give a fuck! show me that you’re not just stuck in your pampered myopic little heavenly heads!”

I am a little disturbed by how quickly I’ve built up a whole headcanon persona and POV for He Xuan already despite. not having finished the book yet. :’D what can I say though, intense capacity for violence, plus messy depression/depersonalisation badbrains, plus unstable identity and literally subsuming other beings into yourself, plus hella fucked up relationship with food... This Is Coming For Me Where I Live rn <33

(nom nom transmisogynists make a delicious crunchy snack~)

honestly it’s kind of like, the more intense my feelings & thoughts about a character are, the harder it is for me to really ramble properly about them without more specific prompts.... oops. but just know, I have many He Xuan thoughts. hot damn.

Yin Yu and Quan Yizhen ;____; god, I just have.... a lot of feelings about the way in which Status Issues Fuck Them Up. and about how Yin Yu ends up taking all this blame not because he’s A Bad Person, but also not because he’s Framed Horribly and Is Totally Innocent? he’s just very real, and imperfect, and his personal shortcomings combine with events to create a complete and utter clusterfuck :(

CORPSE RATS CORPSE RATS :D I am enjoying literally everything that’s eaten other spirits in this book honestly. delightfully fucked up favourite “taking on traits of a thing you consume” trope :D

Mount Tong’lu especially, but also just a certain amount of the aesthetic of this book in general, is once again Reminding Me Of Dark Souls. it’s the combo “gain more power by murdering other entities and consuming their souls” / “transformational Final Level specifically called a kiln” thing, I think.

so I guess it’s canon that the Supremes are a “mentally unstable obsessives only” club??? :’D I have a lot of feelings about much-younger-ghost!Hua Cheng just kind of. spending ten years alternately nerding out over trying to learn to read a dead language, and trying to... depict his devotion and somehow express/externalise the very story of who he even is into this empty underground series of caverns? trying to pound it into his head to, like, remember who he is and make SOME part of the world witness to what’s made him, even though (and because) he can’t actually open up about any of that to any other people?

like hmm, certainly I don’t think he’s losing it during the Mount Tong’lu experience as much as, say, certain other individuals might have (*cough*), because he’s not literally taking the essences of other beings into himself, just getting a power-up - but that alone, killing so much and experiencing that kind of metaphysical change, must already be kind of disorienting and weird? especially if you’re functionally alone the whole time?? which is to say, sure, the thousand gods and all the murals might have been a little bit of a monument to Hua Cheng being batshit crazypants for a while, but given the material circumstances of 10 years of isolation/ling nerding/murder, I really cannot blame him. (I would also rather not have other people, certainly not the object of my affection & obsession, get to see those things! that is entirely relatable, not sinister!)

(obligatory “what would a centuries-old sourdough starter from Mount Tong’lu be like“ joke....)

although. that said. I continue! to be not okay! with the extent of Literal Hero Worship happening in this relationship! “if you don’t have anything else to live for, then live for me!” like ok ok it is all very well and good that you said that as a dumbass naive teenage god, and clearly don’t believe in any such thing anymore, but. Hua Cheng! has not gotten over that! he is still very much in that headspace! “oh don’t worry my ashes are in a totally safe place bc if the place where I hid them was destroyed then I would have no reason to live either ~<3″ NO. NO BAD. EXTREMELY BAD, HUA CHENG SIT DOWN RIGHT THIS INSTANT UNTIL I FIND YOU SOMEONE TO TALK YOU THROUGH THIS SHIT.

I just. mmmmmmmnnn. I really enjoy how they interact with one another most of the time! I’m also just... not cool with the level of power disparity in terms of psychological vulnerability to one another, that seems pretty fundamentally baked into the dynamic :/

(it’s funny bc this is the opposite of the panic Mu Qing & Feng Xin were having over Hualian, oops)

actually while I’m being a whole-ass Downer about ships, I will also mention that I do Not get shipping those two..... like “excessive bickering” has never appealed to me in the first place but also. FX seems to genuinely think MQ is a bad person?? and doesn’t understand what his perspective is like in general? perhaps I am simply A Bit Sensitive to people misunderstanding someone and thinking they’re a bad person bc they’re not Nice And Cheerful And Personable, but. eugh, no thank you.

miscellaneous thoughts....

Ling Wen can honestly do as many murders as she feels like, I’m not too broken up about this ultimately :////

Xie Lian’s trauma response panic mode whenever he sees White No-Face! it’s upsetting!

White No-Face is not valid specifically for the reason that I wanted the next ghost king to come out of the kiln to add something cool to the Calamities’ color scheme >:( Give Me A Purple Ghost You Dumb Motherfucker >:(

(actually in part I make fun of him because I am otherwise also terrified of him! he is creepy and horrifying! he seems like substantially less of a Person and more like a Horrible Force of Nature than the other calamities!! also HE WAS LIVING IN THEIR HOUSE *screams*)

(you may notice there is approximately no book 2 content on here and that is.... largely bc I found book 2 very upsetting and unpleasant to read, as “overwhelming futility in the face of world affairs and mass suffering” is in fact my Least favourite emotion to have evoked in fiction. or in real life for that matter. “biological phenomenon wherein foreign entities grow in or on your body” is ALSO a least favourite thing in both fiction & real life too, funnily enough! not actually to the same extent as Futility Forever, but. no thank you.)

there’s definitely more I wanted to talk about at one point or another and then forgot, so, if there’s something you want to hear about in particular, ask me questions!

[obx-direction-sos]

Hey, so I'm bored, so I'm doing this don't know if I'm doing it correctly tho?

why I'm single: I have not met the one, and I am insecure

How's my relationship going: none existing except for the one in my dreams with Phillip Hamilton

What do you dream about at night: It depends. I have suffered in the past with nightmares every night that lasted for half a year, but that's gone🤞🤞

What are you afraid of?: girl too much, but biggest fears is throwing up that fills way too much

What's your favorite song?: My Shot from Hamilton

Tell me about the book your reading: I am currently reading Anne frank's diary, but I have reached the point where I get way too depressed after reading it.

A poem or lyrics that won't leave your head: literally all the songs from Hamilton

Tell me about your secret crush: I don't think I have one

Where would you go if money wasn't an issue: I would take like a long time going to Paris and London again, and then I would love to see New York and Italy

What's your deepest wish?: Becoming a successful actress.

Do you believe in magic: of course!

What's the weirdest thing that happened to you?: omg way too many things I can't even chose.

What do you need to get off your chest: I don't think the whole Tumblr should know😂

What are you mad about?: a specific person from my class

What are you excited about?: when the musical I'm in starts up again

Are you afraid of the future?:.......Yes

Sorry for that whole rant hope you're doing well, hun, always feel free to text me!❤️

omg hi hi!

i’m not sure if this is correct, BUTTTT i love this!  ask me’s are chill, but i like joe you told me more about yourself!  personally, i loved the way you did this :) i’m gonna “reply” to some stuff you said !!

why i’m single: there is definitely no reason to feel insecure about yourself! like, you don’t see your face when your favorite song comes on, and how it glows up every time your favorite scene comes on the screen!  you are perfect in every single way, and i know, reading stuff like this is chill but it’s hard to take it to heart, give it time :) and you WILL find the one because you ARE gorgeous and i’m definitely sure you have an amazing personality :)

how’s my relationship going: and that is perfectly okay!  mental relationships are honestly the best ones, you get to control everything🤠

what do you dream about at night: thank goodness they’re gone! i’m sure they made you an even stronger person to this day :)

what you’re afraid of: it’s a fact in my book.  throwing up is indeed disgusting and every time i have a stomach ache i freak because i think i will.  but anyways lol gang gang

what your favorite song is: my shot yessssss! i watched hamilton but i’m also not the most theatrical (i’ll watch it again since glee made me wanna try in chorus) but i can totally give it a shot! 

tell me about the book you’re reading: ANNE FRANK’S DIARY IS SO SAD😭😭 well kinda i guess :( good book choice :)

a poem or lyric that won’t leave your head: hamilton yes slayyyy :) 

tell me about your secret crush: it’s perfectly amazing that you do not have a secret crush !! without liking anyone rn, you should work on loving your insecurities :))))))) itll help for when you get into a relationship (at least that’s what my vsco says lmao)

where would you go if money wasn’t an issue: paris, london, italy!! oh man are we the same?!? they all sound lovely :) oh, i’m from new york!  for some reason, i don’t get the huge rave about nyc even though i love it and taking pictures and the whole happy environment, but i go like 3 times a year lol maybe that’s why.  BUTTTT it definitely is amazing!

what’s your deepest wish: you got this!  i believe in you so much! hard work is the key to aNyThInG, even if you’re already the best of the best ;)

do you believe in magic: GANG GANG! my friends think i’m weird but i will never accept the fact that fracaso malfoy is a character.  he’s not.  he’s alive. what kind of magic do you believe in?

weirdest thing: life is weird bro, super weird😂😂

get off your chest: if you ever need to talk about it i’m here :)

what are you mad about: not just you, people do be annoying sometimes😂

what are you excited about: YES SLAY WHAT MUSICAL?!?

are you afraid of the future: it’s scary man.  you never know what’s coming and what’s not.  it’s sick.

I LOVED YOUR RANT SM✨✨✨

i hope you’re doing well too❤️

i’m always here if you need me :)

[tiffgeorgina]

fuck it black monday soulmate au

this one goes out to brit pricevore and that damn quote rt about hating soulmate aus. also to all the time i wasted in the shower last night thinking about this. brit if you’re reading this i have done my part. 

this fic is sponsored by the hyuna and LE collab that i cannot stop blasting. it’s called blacklist and it kind of invented music

-ok so im starting with mo and dawn because of fucking course i am

-mo spends like four years in prison starting from when he’s 20 or 21 or sum shit. around this time, dawn’s getting her MBA from northwestern. as soon as mo’s out of prison, jammer stakes the jammer group and hands majority ownership over to mo. alright so mo needs some employees he can’t do all this by himself. so he schedules an interview with dawn and meets her and realizes that this is His Soulmate. 

-im not really certain what the exact soulmate au would be for this because frankly i don’t care, i don’t want to get into that rn lol. but it’s something obvious and clear-cut, like seeing color for the first time when you make eye contact with your soulmate or smth. Actually i rly like that idea so im gonna roll with it. Fuck it you see color the first time the first time you touch your soulmate (i’ll get into the general implications of this some more later on, maybe after keith/mike’s part stay tuned xx) i love me some ambiguous soulmate aus but all the relationships in this show are ambiguous enough so i’ll pass in that regard this time. also in this universe, your soulmate isn’t necessarily regarded as your romantic partner for life. some conservatives/evangelists/fundamentalists/traditionalists will consider any marriage/sexual or romantic relationships with people other than your soulmate to be an abomination or w/e, and the 80s were pretty conservative, but they were also pretty weird, so a lot of people give zero fucks and will date/fuck/marry whoever. these people tend to regard soulmates as the most important person in your life, regardless of the nature of your relationship with them. some people’s soulmates are like a parent to them, and could never imagine being romantic/sexual with them. lots of people never meet their soulmates due to distance/death/etc. basically fate is not as all-knowing in this soulmate au as it is in some others. there is more to a long-lasting, successful romantic relationship than just love. back in the 40s or whatever, people would meet their soulmates and marry like two weeks later, never having had sex or a romantic relationship with anybody else, and then two days into the marriage they realize how devastatingly incompatible they are and the relationship crumbles under the strain of resentment and confusion within a year. people in the 80s have started to learn the lessons the people in the 40s never had time to figure out, so most people have some romantic/sexual experience before they meet their soulmate. besides, who wants to wait that long to have sex? not me tf

-ok back to the plot now that we got the background is down. mo and dawn meet and know they’re soulmates. so they get to know each other, but their main focus is work bc they’ve got a lot of work to do if they want to get anywhere. the company is young, dawn’s just out of school, and mo’s just out of prison. there’s a lot of ground to cover and they’re impatient asf to be rich and powerful. 

-the romance sort of happens naturally, given how much time they spend together, and they fall hard. they start dating, and when it’s great, it’s great. but when it’s bad, it’s fucking horrible. they’re both really underdeveloped as people (should i mention that they both literally just entered the workforce lol) and they just. can’t. get. along. 

-they hire some more people, like keith and yassir and wayne, and even they can tell that their relationship just sucks. they fight all the time over petty shit, and their fights always go way too far and never get properly resolved. sure, the sex is good and they want pretty similar futures (lots of money and no kids), but emotionally, in the short term, they are as incompatible as it gets. they have the same argument that they’ve had a gazillion times about promoting dawn to partner, but this time it goes a little too far. the things they say are a little too hurtful, and at this point, the relationship is a little too broken to salvage. they both know that when dawn storms out that night, it’s the last time. she moves out the next day.

-but she can’t really quit, can she? at this point she’s put in like three years of work at this place, and it’s moving up the ranks, and she’s head trader. she’s not taking a pay cut because she’s too immature to work with her ex-who-is-also-her-soulmate. so she sticks around. it’s a little awkward at first, but she and mo just come to an unspoken agreement that they’ll spend less time together and let themselves detach as much as possible, because at this point, a romantic relationship just seems so impossible, so why try? they can be each other’s most important person without being romantic partners, right? of course they can! Yeah, maybe they were just destined to be platonic soulmates. this will definitely work.

-so dawn meets this guy. his name is spencer. they hit it off right away too. of course, they’re much less compatible (in terms of long-term plans and all that, especially regarding having a family) than she and mo ever were, and the chemistry is nowhere near as electric, but at least they can have a conversation about something other than how much they hate the lehman brothers without screaming at each other. despite how much she knows she doesn’t love him like she still does used to love mo, she thinks she can live the rest of her life like this. they get engaged after dating for a year, and then married after a six month engagement period.

-mo stays single for about a decade or so. the most serious relationship he has isn’t even monogamous and it’s like, barely a year. he tells himself that he’s not looking for love, and he’s much happier to just sleep around and count his money and focus on that. everybody he ever talks to knows this is a bald-faced lie. they choose not to bring it up.

-(IM REALIZING HOW SIMILAR THIS IS TO THE CANON BACKSTORY/PLOT OF BLACK MONDAY IM SCREAMING SHGLKSDFHGLKSDRGHLS WHATEVER IM HAVING FUN) so mo and dawn are still working together and their relationship is... getting better. time heals all wounds right? well, not if you keep rubbing salt in the wound by literally working with your ex-who-is-also-your-soulmate and seeing them everyday. they know subconsciously that they could’ve been really fucking great, if only they hadn’t been such idiots in their 20s. but now that chance is gone, and they both just have to accept that. they still get into fights and shit, but it tends to be over much more superficial stuff. of course, people without fifteen years of history don’t get into screaming matches over tiny shit like they do. but that’s the territory of working with your ex-who-is-also-your-soulmate.

-so mo has this stupid fucking idea that he doesn’t even run by dawn before throwing $60 mil on it, because of course he does. so she has no choice but to go with it. they hire this kid, his name is blair, because they need him to pull this off. blair finds out that mo and dawn are soulmates who used to date but don’t anymore, and he’s really not even that surprised. of course, it’s weird to find out that your bosses whom you’re weirdly close to, who seem to hate each other, used to be in love and date and the whole nine yards and all that, but it makes a lot of sense.

-so they go off to the predator’s ball bc even rich people need money sometimes. you know that scene where they’re walking back to their rooms after that wild ass night, and mo’s like “you want to call it, or?” and dawn’s like “would if i could but im married” and then they get into a fight over collateral shares? fuck that scene entirely. let dawn find out about that 30% collateral shit like the next day or some shit idfc. instead, dawn’s just a smidge drunker than she was in canon, or maybe she was thinking more clearly than she has in a while, and she just fuckin goes for it. she kisses him, and of course he kisses her, and they... sleep in the same room that night. lmfao you know what i mean. and so starts this sort of friends/business-partners-with-benefits thing. 

-they are next level awkward when they get back to NYC, and blair and keith notice the fuck out of it. they aren’t exactly on speaking terms, so they don’t bring it up to each other, but fuck if they don’t bitch about to their respective soulmates (which i will get into)

-dawn feels soooo guilty it’s unreal. But she rationalizes the hell out of it. Her relationship with spencer has a textbook dead bedroom (which is actually sort of canon), and she signed up for monogamy, not celibacy. it’s not her first example of fucked up morals for sleeping with somebody other than her husband, anyways; there are worse things she can do (and has done) than cheat. It’s not fair that he gets to have all the sex he wants while she has to suffer in silence. So she keeps hooking up with mo even if it’s the worst thing she could do for her relationship with him (and her relationship with spencer, who doesn’t even know that she’s met her soulmate, let alone that her soulmate is her fuckin business partner [canon divergent, spencer does not find out about her and mo in 1x02])

-mo feels guilty in theory but really he’s just happy to be with dawn again in some way. They’re never in dawn’s apartment, so there’s no chance they can ever be caught ever. This is fine. They are fine.

-as one can expect, they are not fine and spencer notices dawn acting differently. Eventually she has a couple drinks one night and the guilt overwhelms her so she ends up coming clean. Safe to say she and spencer get that divorce.

-around this time, mo is telling blair about the georgina play, and blair is telling him to go fuck himself. Also around this time, tiff is getting kidnapped.

-dawn immediately suspects that mo did some stupid shit when she finds out mo told blair everything. So she goes to find him, only to find him at his lake house, spreading ashes. After he tells her he knows nothing of tiff’s kidnapping and he’s spreading the ashes of a friend, she relaxes and they spend the night together, just talking over all the shit they’ve been through. They don’t have sex that night, but they feel what they used to feel when they were together 15 years ago.

-in the middle of the night, blair calls dawn in a blind panic, talking about how tiff’s parents arranged her kidnapping for the press without telling her. Blair says, “Let’s you and me run the georgina play. That’s right, i know you knew, you’re too smart not to” and dawn says “no.” she doesn’t give excuses or anything, she puts her foot down because she will not let this kid she’s known for barely a year convince her to fuck up the most fulfilling relationship she’s ever had as soon as they get to a good place again. She tells him she’ll run the play with him, but it’s not gonna be against mo. either all three of them are fucked with mo and dawn $60 mil in the hole and blair out of a job, or all three of them can be filthy rich and successful. That’s the deal. Blair says he’ll call her back tomorrow.

-the next morning, mo and dawn are talking on the doorstep, and mo brings up the georgina play and how the kid fuckin hates him now, and there’s no chance of pulling off the play bc he quit. Dawn’s like “yeah, about that… we need to schedule a meeting with him” and mo’s like “what for?” and dawn’s like “i spoke to him last night, his fiancée’s kidnapping was a sham that her parents pulled off and he might be in the right headspace to fuck them over right around now” and mo’s like “holy shit you miracle worker” and they make out and when they walk back into the office, they’re hand in hand. 

-they call blair into the office and they basically just yell at each other for three hours. Keith, yassir, wayne, and ronnie do not know what is going on and frankly they are too afraid to ask. Eventually, they reach an agreement: blair will pull hand over 6% of georgina jeans in exchange for 20% of the jammer group, and another 25% to dawn (after they use blair’s algorithm to grab that last 30% from the lehmans). They shake on it, but none of them leave happy.

-blair’s not exactly happy to fuck over his parents-in-law, and mo isn’t happy to lose majority control of his own company. Dawn lucked out, gaining more power and losing little in the play, but her relationship with both of them is so on-the-rocks that she can’t imagine upholding a business partner relationship with them. This is gonna go so great after blair gets married in *checks watch* like two months.

-so blair gets married and the georgina play is a thing that happens (successfully might i add) and everything is kind of shitty because there are at least two relationships to repair here, and one that’s coming back from the dead. But little by little, they all get to a better place until they’re more or less back at where they were before mo told blair everything and they were all just friends except this time mo and dawn are dating xx

-WHEW and that is that on that. And by that on that i mean that on mo/dawn for this au. Dw im gonna get to blair/tiff and mike/keith and im super excited to write those too but i’ll make sure to put those in a separate post because i don’t think tumblr could handle a +7000 word post lmfao (since this post is nearly 2500 words jesus christ)

-i hoped y’all liked reading this as much as i loved writing it!! Again i love feedback and i read everything y’all say in the tags so please put stuff in the tags bc i love that shit!! Gn xx

[lunebinnie]

(1/14)I am so sorry for taking so long! (I also had to spend a lot of time studying this week bc I had my first exam for my Anatomy Lab on Wednesday... And then we had our first exam for *Lecture* Thursday (which also was the day I had a bunch of powerpoints due for my very intimidating adviser...) and then I had to substitute teach all day Friday (and then I meant to respond sooner but I got so busy 😭) so yeah I completely understand about school getting in the way no worries abt it!)

And also sleeping in on a day off when you’ve been busy studying lately is completely valid hon 👌 I hope that your midterms go well and that you’re able to stay healthy and take care of yourself in the midst of preparing! (not that you wouldn’t, I just have a bad habit of neglecting things like healthy sleeping and eating habits when I get caught up studying, so hopefully you’re not like me in that way) And yeah me too! I mean on the one hand I understand *why* they have that limit

3)If u could just send as many as u want there would be so much more spam and ppl would definitely abuse that. But also?? Um? I have a chronic condition called ‘Can'tShuttheFuckUp-itis’? 🤷 This policy is so discriminatory towards people like me who suffer from this crippling condition! I feel oppressed honestly 🙄 tumblr rlly has something against ppl just trying to get to know each other huh? Lol, but at least now we know why it eats them I’ll be sure to try to prevent that in the future

4)And oh my gosh that’s so cool! I’m super jealous!! 😮 lol. I wish they hosted kpop nights at my local bar! 😭😭 But no, I’m here at my little state college in a little 2 mi2 town just under pop 5500 (and idek if that’s before or after counting college students) in the middle of the 'farm zone’ of my state. All we get is country night @Riley’s 😩 RIP. But ya I wish I had more ppl around me who were into kpop! So far I’ve only met 3 ppl who listen to it. One was that roommate I told you about

5)One is just a casual listener who isn’t really into 3rd gen groups and mostly just listens to Girl’s Generation but that’s valid, and one isn’t even rlly a fan of any groups in particular, she just puts the kpop station on when she studies bc she says she needs music but if it’s in English she gets distracted, lol And omg that is insane! $500?? And 5 copies of the same album? 😲 (Says the girl who’s been a Monbebe for a hot 2 months and has already bought three (3??) Monsta X T-shirts… 😂

6)in my defense tho one of them was only $10 bc it was Black Friday? And u can’t blame me, Hot Topic is my krypotonite lmao) but yeah I already feel guilty about spending 30+ dollars on one copy of an album (thx international shipping) That’s so wild. And yeah I don’t get why ppl feel the need go out of their way just to insult other ppl’s music taste. I’m also pretty self conscious abt sharing my music taste and obviously the way everyone around me talks abt kpop has made me even moreso now 🙃

7) I haven’t gotten into too many groups yet bc I’m trying to go slowly and focus on getting into one group at a time but I do have a long list of groups I plan on getting into eventually! NU'EST is one that I’ve heard some of their songs on my Spotify based on my listening history and they’re on the list haha 😂 And omg I feel really similarly about Got7! I tried to get into them after I got into Monsta X and right before I got into Astro and although I did really like some of their songs

8)I haven’t really been able to get into their music as much as MX and Astro’s yet. I do think they seem like a really fun group in terms of personality though. As for the comeback I know right?? I mean I know a lot of ppl were freaking out abt the comeback being a 'sexy’ and how it wasn’t gonna be the same cute Astro we all love anymore. But they filled the MV with flowers and glitter and still managed to make it sexy as fuck! This album has a very different vibe but it still felt like them

9) They managed to pull off a more mature and sexy concept while still staying true to themselves and I’m so here for it! I don’t know if I could really pick a favorite era because I love them all! I mean Spring Up was an excellent era and every era since then has been great. They really don’t know how to have any bad concepts or make any bad songs huh? Lol. Since I’m still pretty new I really love the title tracks since I’ve heard them the most. (I have listened to their full discography

10)But I haven’t listened to their Bsides enough to pick out my favorites from those) I also really love Again though! The first time I saw the dance practice I was super into it and then I looked up the lyrics and was like 'this is supposed to be sad/regretful song it has no reason to be this much of a BOP?!’ 😂 I have such a hard time picking favorites though. Since All Light is new though I actually have listened to it enough times to pick some 'non-title song favorites’ from there haha

11) Other than All Night (which is great, obvi) I also really like Starry Sky, Moonwalk and Role Play 😂 and Bloom is so pretty oh my god! 😭😭 the album is great and has no bad songs but those are the ones I particularly like. I feel u about the dances honestly. I think that’s actually what drew me to kpop initially. I mean I like listening to the songs ofc but it wasn’t until after I actually watched an MV/saw the choreography that I actually was like… Oh shit I’m gonna have to be a fan now

12) It was the visual aspect that really made me want to be a kpop fan bc I haven’t really seen that level of performance with any western music. Which isn’t to say I think all western music is bad but I think it’s really impressive to watch kpop groups singing and also doing really impressive choreography and performing at the same time. Plus that’s the part I can show my family and say 'even if you don’t like the music because of the language barrier you have to admit they’re talented dancers’

13)And yes! With Astro especially I think the dance practices rlly succinctly capture the reason why I love them so much. They are *super* talented but they also have such great chemistry and u can rlly tell that they just love each other and have so much fun together! I love a family of six hardworking dorks! 🤧💗 lol. And yeah it’s too bad that neither of are able to see them this cb ☹️ (I also did the 'hypothetically…’ research but it wouldn’t have worked out 😒) I hope you’re right though!

14)Hopefully the success of this comeback is the catalyst to Astro getting more of the attention they deserve and there will be many more opportunities to see them in the future! (Although it is too bad we won’t be able to see live performances from this cb, since it’s so pretty 😭 tho with their track record I’m sure future cb’s will be just as good lol) But what about you? Do you have any favorite songs from this cb in particular? Talk again soon! (I’ll try 2 b better @ responding 😭) -AHA

FUCKKK okay so after like a million years of midterms + 2 days straight of sleeping ya girl is BACK to answer these asks after getting through the hurdle of copying and pasting and italicizing 14 asks onto one response on my phone. Did I perhaps fail at least 3 of my midterms? Quite probably. Do I have the energy to care atm? No. Did I need to get away from everything and fly to Boston to visit my friend for reading week? Yes.

How did all your exams go? That sounds crazy though! I hope you got through everything ok!

Tbh I have the same unhealthy habits too, I essentially became nocturnal and lived on like one meal a day + snacks and coffee 😭 fr, I would be writing my midterm from 11:30-1:30, go home to eat, sleep from 4-7pm, then wake up to study all night for the next one, and repeat,,,,, I’m like an actual mess tbh

Honestly as much as I’ve enjoyed the Aroha secret admirer thing (it was sooo nice getting to meet new people) rn I’m just so glad that post-reveal we don’t have to deal with tumblr ask limits and writing entire essay responses all in one go.

Honestly 3 shirts isn’t even THAT bad especially if they weren’t all like ordered from overseas so they wouldn’t have been that expensive. When I went to the Myeongdong underground shopping centre I went craaaazy with Kpop merch despite stanning (at that point, pretty much only) BTS for a whole 3 weeks, so I ended up coming back with 2 albums, a bunch of stickers, a photocard pack (also bonus: got an Astro one too) and like a BUNCH of bt21 stuff. Speaking of, my All Light album finally came in!! I ended up getting a Moonbin, MJ, Jinjin, and Sanha photocard plus the a Rocky lyric booklet and ik I basically got THE best set for someone who loves all of them w my whole heart 😩✊ but I’m still sad I didn’t get any Eunwoo cards since he was my first Astro bias 😭 it’s soooooo pretty I love it sm and like lowkey I’ll probably end up buying more of their albums anyway oopsss

Speaking of Monsta X btw, I heard their new song and I thought it was really good! What did you think of it?

Regarding favourite songs, I swear my moods change so much, so it’s pretty common for me to not love a song at first and sort of rediscover it months later, and tbh that’s kind of what happened with Innocent Love, Baby, and Again. In this album though, I’d say my favourite Bsides are probably be Bloom, 1 in a Million, and Heart Brew Love.

And I toootally agree with the performance aspect of kpop being the thing to attract me it, even before I got really into it I’d sometime like to watch dance practices (and lowkey even learned a bunch of choreos a with my friend last term just bc we had access to a frequently empty dance studio). It’s just super impressive to see people singing and dancing at the same time mostly live, and for the same reasons I’m also super into musicals as well, which isn’t so say I think like lip syncing or just dancing/singing is bad, it’s just refreshing to see it done all at once, you know?

Also side story it turns out that I actually DO know another Astro fan irl!! Her older sister (who I’m closer to bc we’re closer in age) is the one who bought the million got7 albums. Even though she’s been a fan of Astro since before debut, her sister doesn’t even know she listens to kpop since she was afraid of getting roasted at first, but now she’s in too deep to say anything. I’d mentioned liking Astro to her before, but she didn’t say anything bc she didn’t want to expose herself in front of her sister but on Friday I saw her while her sister was out and she was like “oh btw here’s a secret I went to the Toronto fanmeet last year but my sister doesn’t know” I was SHOOK but tbh I’m just super glad now to have someone to talk about it and go to concerts with (I’m banking on the fact that they’re coming back)

Anyway, THANK YOU SO MUCH for waiting 2747287482 million years for my response, and it was so great to finally (officially) meet you Kjersten!

@kaptain-k-pop

[orionsknightsky]

*incoherent word ramble cuz I both do and don’t feel like talking/ seeking out someone to talk to rn and so that means it gets to go on tumblr I guess*

It feels like absolutely nothing is happening in my brain right now but also that’s cuz I can just feel that everything has been sped up and so word thoughts are gone cuz I think they’re going to fast to hear, either that or they got dumped and it’s only other kinds of thoughts that I don’t know how to focus on happening now. Idk, like, I had whole lots of coffee (like six smallish cups of coffee but also it’s been literal months since last I drank even one cup so that is soo much) cuz it was free at work this morning and I got to sit around while people chatted for almost two hours today and just eat the free snacks and coffee, which was super cool cuz I’ve literally been looking forward to this all week, even though set aside time for morale-boosting office place gatherings are and interesting beast.  

So back to word thoughts coming from current state of being instead of explaining why current state of being is being (heh). It feels like everything is and exists so much rn and I don’t care, cuz like also there is just nothing that is me? There is no solid “me” that exists, and their is no solid me that cares about things I’m doing/knows where I should start in order to help in things that matter/isn’t scared to find where I’m supposed to be. *but also like, supossed to is such an interesting term, and I should maybe reexamine the frequency with which I tell myself I should do something or that I’m supposed to do it, cuz there is no inherent purpose to the universe and so nothing matters. But also like, a good reason why I’m alive is cuz I have frequently told myself that I’m supposed to stay alive in order to not make other people upset. And so maybe I should just tell my self that I feel like I should stay alive cuz I don’t feel happy when I make people upset? Or is that just a different version of what I have been already doing? (the actual thing is maybe that I’ve got to find a thing that I feel makes me want to continue to exist cuz it makes me feel the feels I want?, but idk what that means and also I don’t know why or how or where I’m gonna find it and I don’t think it’s gonna be until after I’m done with college {only one more quarter, woot fuckin woot!!!!!}, so I got to keep figuring out what things make my brain want to keep caring?, or just keep on telling my brain that even if it doesn’t care, it doesn’t matter if it doesn’t care cuz future brain does and will care, but also nothing matters and there is no purpose to anything even if I find purpose so is everthing just a conundrum and why will I just keep existing to live within a purposeless conundrum) I’m curious about what else there is but also I know that there’s no thing that makes it so people know why we need to be alive, and everyone is so scared of dying? and like, it will supposedly almost definitely be a painful and awful experience?? but also a lot of things are? and I don’t know why that matters cuz I’ve suffered before and got through it, and I’ll continue to suffer and get through it, and then one day I’ll supposedly suffer and not get through it, and apparently that suffering is more important to postpone then other suffering? Nothing makes sense (including and definitely this word spew) and yet everyone/society pretends like it does and that it matters and that anyone has anything figured out. but we just don’t. We just really, don’t. And that doesn’t matter, but  my brain does thing /unless it doesn’t/ and I’m supposed to continue to do things even while my brain does things even though I don’t want to do things and so I don’t excpet when I do- which is both often and unoften cuz boy the world sure just keep on coming and it don’t stop coming- but I like just observing, participation is so much hard when I have to exist as me, (school participation is not hard cuz I don’t exist as me and I just learn the things and say the words that professors/teachers need to hear in order to continue to advance a subject/teach a class) (I’ve written much of this, I think I probably am going to post this cuz words are words and whoever reads can decide not to whenever cuz like, you can decide to not do most things just whenever, but at least stopping reading this won’t have negative consequences upon your life for whatever reason -unless it does, in which case, fuck I’m sorry, that’s a weird and somewhat unforeseen circumstance)

ahffshighrghori

Why do people act as if words are easy? Communication is so impossible and yet people think they do it? and to some degree people sometimes do? But also no one ever knows if they actually successfully communicated in entirety, but also there are ways to be more successful? (and I’m not currently using most of the ones I normally do!)

But maybe just saying all the words in all the stupid orderr and not reading or working with them or doing them in more than just the way I’m “thinking” will just make them have a meaning even if it’s not important beyond what it makes them not in my head cuz fuck proper coherence nothings ever made a goddamned sense

(have you ever just exist in a place? and not made sense, even when you hear what people say? not being able to understand is weird.

Hope this doens;t)

Some of this is purposeful incoherence, but I don’t know what it means that you can just, one can just choose to then make a words how they happen in your head and that they then don’t make sense. I don’t know what I’m saying! why do other?

Why do people understand eachother, why do people think things make sense? Why do they sometimes,

gosh when people tell you to just write and see what happens they really do mean that it won’t be good the first time, but also fuck having word s that make good, it doens’t mattetr

. It just djorenst ay doesn’t.

This entire mess both is and isn’t because of the addition of caffeine to my present. Wild It’s shared because of the caffeine, but it’s existent because my existing is incoherent and not wanted/understood/necessary/working out how I imagined cuz I’ve rarely if ever imagined what existing would be./

Idk, I assumed I’d be dead when I was 10 and hadimagined that life had no understood purpose at and before then, and I never really did stop with it and that think. ogsa gshi gi gi g igi we i

Fuck man, what is

I hope if you read this you at least realize a little bit that nothing makes sense/has any purpose/matters, but that, like, that’s both freeing and makes it hard to do things and is maybe a good idea to fairly regularly ignore? Cuz none of this 

(also if you read this I hope you’re doing okay and undrstand that even though nothing makes sense and there’s no proof of purpose there’s no proof of unpurpose and so maybe just caring about people will make something better, cuz maybe happiness in the present is as good as it will ever get and so it’s okay to find and seek that out when you can?

Words are hard and don’t make any sense even when they’re in my head and what I’m trying to think. Why am I even trying to think cuz I do that anyway (as evidenced my most if not all of this words cuz dan g if not any of it was I trying to think beyond the thinking involved in not letting my thougghts rowrds thingk.

Was gonna edit it cuz the typose werewakl twp gajow

cuz the typos were and weren’t purposeful and how can you know when your actions are simulated to achieve a specific purpose and when they aren’t and why do I feel as though purposeful word order to achieve specific thoughts is a tthing to not because not. ?.

Nothing needs to make sense and I hope you’re having fun.

I also hope you’re not making the world worse, but I’m not convince I’m not, and if you are and it’s not purposeful then it’s okay if you give yourself some slack and breathe and move past it to get to where you are and can be contributing not good and not bad and maybe just good or the morality that you want to achieve and make  be in what

Fuck senssfm, sorry if 

If I pause for too long does that mean done? I think i t means slowing down and that it might be done soon, if I’ve said something that you read and word was harmful, I don’t think I did but that’s cuz I didn’t stop to think and did not intend harm but am willing at time when can think more to try and thing positively but also I’m fairly certain this isn’t somethings that  is in any way too much offensive and is probably just overly personal in an not sense making kind of way that might seem like too much later or more likely I’ll just forget about cuz who thinks. sfljagwjogogohi

Gosh I don’t like when the overthinks so trying to make this end is making that happen which makes it feel like it need s to keep being word sthat come out of my brain and do the typing even thoeugh I was trying kind of to make it stop cuz it felt like maybe it was reaching an end but why would I let it reach an end if the entire point (if there was a point which apparently I’m trying to assert that there was even though I didn’t let my self assert that there was at the begiinnning cuz obviously theres is jsust htat wacky randomness of words that just happen and not every thing that is written serves any purpose or thoughts to convey cuz If when if I try and let my words b e with and wiithout no purpose then when nad if nothing word isa than to make sens b cause thaen word that I’m trying don’t matter and that good? Fuck yah I managed to lean into not want ting to say that sentance when I lost it. In conclusion there isn’t one?

Sorry, brains and words are weird and I’m glad I did this but I don’t know what it means I and I don’t know why I said it and I dont’ know why or if you read it but I hope you knew the words you understood and wanted. Hope you’re having good, hope you find coherence, hope we have good.

[broomswept-thoughts]

Career fear:

I’m super exhausted and don’t want to go to the clinic (ISB or PM peds), and the idea of going makes me unhappy. It makes me tired. It feels like I wish I could be compensated in some way that’s not just doing it from the goodness of my heart or for med school apps. I fear that I’m going into medicine just to have a stable income and job and for prestige. I fear that I really don’t want to see patients. I know that at heart, I want to be a researcher. I want to be a PI of my own lab. I want to be a professor and teach undergrads and mentor undergrad and graduate students and postdocs too. I want to be a lovely PI of a wonderful lab and be able to research and study exactly what I’m intrigued by, and push forward other people’s careers in biomedical research.

But........ is there a place for medicine in all of this? I... I find myself kind of unsure of pure basic research, when medicine can be so impactful but distant from research. I feel uneasy (?) of the prospect of working and thinking about how certain things work but not being able to apply that to ways it can help currently suffering patients. I am unsure. It doesn’t sit really well. It definitely does feel privileged, and not ableist on purpose but ableist in that I can ignore the pain of patients who want relief like last year.

And in the end, I enjoy seeing patients. I think hearing their stories, being able to be around people is nice. I like the prospect of being in clinic 2 days of the week and spending the other 3+ in lab, like that’s perfect for me (or 1 day clinic, 4 days lab). That’s the absolute ideal, I don’t want 50-50 because I think if I take into account things like the amount of connection I want with a patient (deeply and not rushed) and the amount of serious research I want to do (serious serious), having 70-80% research and the remainder be focused on the patient(s) is good for me. I think when I see it from this ratioed perspective, I feel more comfortable with a MD/PhD. It feels more right. It feels... like a me, a doctor, that I want to be. A true doctor professor researcher. I’d like that.

But I think.... maybe it’s just because a MD/PhD would be the longest delayed gratification marshmallow test in my whole life. Because it’s really going to be a whole portion of my life (10? 12? years?), some of which I will experience really life changing events. I don’t even know if my parents will be alive by the time I’m established as a professor or a PI. I want my dad to see me with my own lab, and I want my mom to see me as a doctor.

Speaking of parents, a part of my fear is also if I’m just feeding into the Asian stereotype of becoming a doctor. But at the same time, my parents have never pressured me into becoming a doctor per se. I think rather than a career path, maybe I just want... their approval and love and satisfaction that they’re good parents and have been good parents. I want them to see me as their successful child, that it was worth staying in the US afterall even after decades of suffering and loneliness. I know that none of these things are my responsibility, and that my self or identity should and are not tied to my parents’ worldview or selfview. But what I logically or cognitively know doesn’t necessarily correlate with what I’m emotionally tied down to, even if it’s subconscious. Or maybe because it is subconscious. I guess I can be afraid of my own desires matching with my parents, maybe. But when I see the 30-70 MD/PhD schedules, I feel at peace and like this is what I want.

I think I’m just really stressed out in the short term about going to work long hours in the clinic and about doctor burnout. I think that makes me nervous; what if medicine is just a long, painful process that breaks me down in ways that (had to message Tammy because burnout --> reminds me of what she’s going through rn) I will never recover or that will make me want to hate life. I don’t want to ever return to the depression phase of my life from elementary ~ high school, because that was so rough. And when I look back onto those times, I’m legitimately fearful because they made me feel so bad, which I can now recognize now that I’m outside of school and have much more time to myself like after work or on the weekend (even when I’m doing clinical work and need to do groceries, etc.). I think depression is really scary when you know how sucking it is, especially once you’ve clawed yourself out of it. It feels so easy to live when you’ve cleared a lot of it, but it’s an abyss made of tar. But I’m afraid of being so.... so tired and burnt out in medical school that I’ll lose track of what I want to do and want just any form of escape from the grind and pain that’s trying to get through school. It makes me afraid that there’s so much burn out in medicine, both in school and after. It makes me wonder if I should just do a PhD even if I feel kinda unsatisfied with it. Like if I just do translational research........? But. Geh, I gotta say, translational translational research just isn’t it. I want to do more lifestyle intervention-kinda research, rather than pharmaceutical-focused translational research. I’m really interested in that, more than anything. And I think being a MD doctor can let me have some of that learning and first hand experience to see and hear people. HUffffff.....

I think if I decide to go into medicine, I’m not sure if it’s a dream but it’s a goal. Dreams are things like playing in an orchestra or being a conductor lol. These are dreams because they’re beautiful but they’re not things I want to put in serious effort to doing or becoming. They’re admirable, but I’m okay with not becoming them. Am I okay with not becoming a researcher? Kinda no. I don’t even know what to do with myself if I didn’t become a researcher. I mean, if I ever lost my job, I know I have the resilience to find *something*, but. I don’t want to NOT be working towards this. Am I okay with not becoming a doctor? Ehhhh...... it’s not as strong as a researcher, but recently, not really. I will admit that the MCAT score is pushing me to go into medicine because it proved to me that I could be able to get into a good school and that I have (the academics) to do well maybe to some degree. But I’d like to do medicine. I think being able to see patients, and even being able to cure them or treat them is something so...... ethereal? Magical? Like I haven’t really seen anything drastic at PM Peds or ISB since they’re both very low key in terms of most of the patients (most of the patients, altho some at PM peds are. Wild LOL). But I think in general, you see some... interesting stuff. I think. Sigh.

Why am I so burnt out by clinical work? Am I just burnt out at the thought of working from 8:30/9AM to 8:30PM? It’s 12 hours, even if some of the hours at NIH are just me blankly staring at a word document or reading a textbook. I think working until 8:30PM/ 9PM makes me really tired lmfao. Like I think I’ve just gotten an adverse reaction to working because that makes me so tired that I don’t want to cook and eat or take care of myself... Like I just want to crash so hard. I think I also have nothing to look forward to at home so it makes the days feel really tiresome and deadening. I think it’s just... a big part is not having time to eat something yummy. And having to worry about lunch but then realizing that lunch is just gonna have to be some random shebang and UGH yeah that gets me really riled up to die. Hmm yes, food....

Maybe I should start buying more frozen food. Or figuring out ASAP how to make more food that I can just easily cook up in large amounts on the weekends? I really hate meal prepping, but it’s making me not eat anymore in the evenings and that’s worse than eating boring food.

[whatsahin]

27/1

Today is 27 January. One week after my attempted suicide on 22 January . I think it is a good time to reflect what happened. Two days or three days before (I cannot remember anymore haha), I had attempted to overdose once. I was out for dinner with XN when I saw it (pic of him and his ex being all lovely tgt). It hurt me. I am not exactly sure what happened but maybe it was more comforting to just pretend that we were both sad and affected by what happened (so that it feels like at least he likes me back). I was tired. I told XN it was okay to go back and leave me alone because I cannot bear her seeing me sad. So I drank by myself. I may have been thinking negatively for a while and yea I felt like I was ready to go. So I gathered all the panadols I could find, pop them all and ready to take it but smb called me . Anyway yea I stopped and called my parents and said sorry. I texted Kim and AA just because. So it was 22 January, maybe two days after my first overdosing attempt, I just went back from lunch with Aaron. I have agreed with K and JX that I should seek professional help. I went back home and told my sis I need help. Some where along the way, I got lost, mid convo and I thought to myself shit it seemed like everyone thinks I am not good at living (okay they all definitely dun mean like I am not good at living but not good at protecting myself but yea I was all suicidal). So I went to my room, trying to find more panadols, roughly 30 of them. I gave it one last try, I talked to pp. I didn’t help so 30 panadols down my stomach I shoved. I remember being chill as my brother in law drove me to nuh a&e. Today is 27 January. Exactly one week after my attempted suicide, I am on the way back to spend sometimes with my parents and sadly we are on a different flight (this trip is impromptu, it is hard to book). I had a mental breakdown before taking off. I was scared for reasons that I myself am not certain and aware of. It was just scary to board the plane alone. To be alone. Maybe it is the chemicals in my brain. Maybe like Doctor Chee (my psychiatrist when I was in the hospital) said the adrenaline from surviving a near death experience ( aka me trying to kill myself) is wearing off. I no longer feel nothing. I feel something now. The sadness is coming back Sometimes it must be a burden to know me (a being of suffering and sadness). Sometimes I wonder why I am so sad. It should be nothing. It is part of life. Why I am so weak. Why this keeps happening to me. May be it is really my fault. First, it was W. Yes we were attached to each other. Yes we are both goal oriented . But no maybe we aren’t meant to be. No he isn’t right for me. No he didn’t treat me well (he did but maybe I was not sure of myself). No we met at the totally wrong time. I am young and impatient. Blah blah…I think most of us know what happened next.we broke up cuz we were tired of miscommunication and misunderstand. I couldn’t stand the emotional rollercoaster that Wayne gave me everyday (later on he would tell me he purposely want to see my vulnerable because I am usually very dominant (srsly me??? I always listen to him. Okay maybe in a very disobedient way cuz I am a young punk hahah)). A few weeks later, I went for his vb ifg, he texted me afterward asking me where I was. We all know I am weak af so yea I ended up meeting him, telling him fuck I am gonna wait for u hahaha (Cb me right). Yea anyway he nor said anything promising back (his defence okay), we ended having sex and the right after he told me he dw a girlfriend. So sem 1 was spent waking up to tell myself I am okay, that I am not a slut. Yea I was sad a lotThen there is A who always try to get into that pretty head of yours. And yea dude, I understand that he won’t be successful cuz u dun even know what the fuck is going on half of the time. I know you were hurtAnd then there is M (ahhh the wound is still so fresh that it is hurting rn as I am writing this). Okay so this boy (not a man okay) hit on me hard (just trying to make it sound like I wasnt at fault for believing him and also responding yo).This is the boy who never stood up for me, for the boy who never protect me like he said, the boy who never respected me and accused me of having STD and HIV. The boy who came running back to his ex, the boy who left me hurting in the shadow. The boy who never took responsibilities for his actions. The boy that abandoned me and left me in shock. The boy that I chose to comfort after he told me he was scared of having HIV ( read he is scared he got HIV from me). Now big question, if you think I am rabzi and might carry diseases, why the fuck bother being with me? In the end, I am a horrible person. I am a slut. I am disgusting I don’t need to be strong now. I know u are lost and tired. But do remind yourself everyone loves you even if you have doubts. Remind yourself that parents are okay with you being sad. Don’t be afraid of reaching out to them (they will be even sadder if they have to watch their daughter drowning herself). Please also remember you will get better. Go see a psychologist, go find yourself. 

[imrainai]

[OOC Message log, imrainai & trashrightsactivist]

These are really old. Like, last in-universe year old. But some people wanted to see them, so here they are.

Summer, 3422

imrainai: Could I read the sideblog? You have a lot of really interesting things to say, and I'd like to read them. If you're ok with it. ^_^'

Trashrightsactivist: I would trust a promise from you, you seem trustworthy. So I will add you if you promise me that you understand how serious it could be if someone like tidalwave got hold of information that could tell her who I am in real life - I could quite easily die - and also promise you won't mention any of that info anywhere public. Is that okay?

Imrainai: Yeah, I promise. I definitely don't want anything bad to happen to you.

Trashrightsactivist: cool, adding you in a sec

Weeks Later

imrainai: ruby? are you ok? just laying low for a bit? You're safe, right?

Trashrightsactivist: yes. i am very sad and angry about things. but safe.

Imrainai: <3 please stay safe ok

Trashrightsactivist: i'll do my best. you too

Later

Imrainai: I think the internet's gonna cut out in a bit, so just wanted to tell you again to stay safe and take care of yourself. you're a good internet friend, OK, so make sure you're still here when I get back

Imrainai: taz liked your story about the aliens btw. I had to modify it some because I don't want him telling his teachers he's getting red-positive propaganda at home, it was about criminals and poor people. but the basic moral was intact, and he seemed to agree with it.

I just... be careful, OK, the world needs all the good people it can get

Trashrightsactivist: thank you. and I'm glad he liked the story, it's about the downtrodden whatever colour their hair is so yeah

Weeks Later

imrainai sent a post caste flexibility meme!

Imrainai: tag, you're privately it

Imrainai: also the internet's back and your blog is not back, are you still there

Trashrightsactivist: I will post caste meme soon. I have a secret new blog.

Trashrightsactivist: as in - the blog is not a secret but the fact that it's me is a secret

Trashrightsactivist: what i learned from tryna fill out the meme is mostly that i would be a sucky purple :P

Imrainai: ohhh, ok

Imrainai: also same

Imrainai: but I also feel like I'd feel like that no matter what I was. probably everything looks easier than it is from the outside

Trashrightsactivist: well you're like coping and looking after a baby so you must be doing something right! But probably true

Imrainai: at least if i were YELLOW i could ADVANCE in the LIBRARY SYSTEM

Imrainai: but yeah I guess Ves is more important anyway, so I can't be, like, totally failing at life in general

Trashrightsactivist: yeah that's one of the dumb things about the caste system tbh - as a purple its super hard to get anywhere really successful unless you got this one specific skillset of 'run a business'

Imrainai: well you can only run certain kinds of businesses, is the thing. like, I can't start an editing service or watch other people's kids or something

Trashrightsactivist: which is sooo dumb

Imrainai: I do not think I could, like, successfully run a restaurant or a furniture company or make clothes

Imrainai: there are lots of options, so you'd think ONE of them would work, but so far nah

Imrainai: ............I should probably not actually be complaining about my life circumstances to you, that seems rather inconsiderate

Trashrightsactivist: hmm - idk if homeschooling is a thing in Voa. If I was the kinda oddball economics green i mighta been in another life I would suggest you might be able to set up a purple-for-purple homeschooling group and argue the income as being purple either on the basis of it being like house spousing or like consultation (in that being your caste *is* the qualifying factor for a purple-for-purple homeschool)

Trashrightsactivist: and nah, it's fine - it's actually helpful to give me different things to think about tbh

Trashrightsactivist: you could apply the same argument to a daycare specifically meant to socialise purple kids in a purple environment. But idk your employment law well enough you'd need to get a solicitor to advise on it.

Imrainai: Homeschooling is a thing, but I think if you make money at it it stops being homeschooling

Imrainai: I dunno, maybe one of the librarians can help me figure it out tho

Imrainai: they're good about stuff like that

Trashrightsactivist: yeah, I mean at minimum they can probably help you find and understand the books with the law stuff in

Imrainai: Liet's orange and I could maybe finagle something around that, but she's old enough that asking her to actually work is not really.... fair to her, so

Imrainai: and yeah

Trashrightsactivist: what is it you actually do rn if you don't mind me asking? or are you at home with the kid?

Imrainai: oh! no, I work two jobs

Imrainai: I do cleaning at a nursing home and I shelve books at the library

Imrainai: And my second cousin is living here too, she works in a warehouse and sometimes watches the baby

Trashrightsactivist: ahh, right. I was confused for a bit cause i remember a post about the 1st one and i thought you were a care worker and was like 'that's purple?'

Trashrightsactivist: is that liet? the orange person?

Imrainai: Liet's my great-great-grandmother, I am am sort of EFFECTIVELY her caretaker but she's family so I don't get paid for that

Imrainai: and I do look after the old people at the nursing home, but that is not actually my job, it is just... a thing that happens when I am in close proximity to people who need things

Trashrightsactivist: really should be crossover work

Trashrightsactivist: you know one of those jobs thats two castes

Trashrightsactivist: if orange-grandma lives with you it miight be doable to do the daycare and have it that like, she owns it officially and employs you, but again you'd need to check out the legalities

Imrainai: I mean in THEORY there is a simple dividing line between "care worker" and "cleaning lady" but with elderly people the line is not always actually clear

Trashrightsactivist: yeah thats why it should be crossover

Trashrightsactivist: are you any good with numbers and people management?

Imrainai: And yeah, maaaaybe, but if anyone ever investigated it I think it would rapidly become obvious that Liet wasn't really... doing anything

Imrainai: I've never really tried those things?

Imrainai: I don't think I'm awful with numbers

Imrainai: Though I never got past algebra in school

Trashrightsactivist: I imagine you gotta have people skills to a degree cause like - you're really nice, and dealing with the old ppl probably requires like, being nice but firm

Trashrightsactivist: wouldn't require algebra just finance - you could build up to a small cleaning business?

Imrainai: Oh, I hadn't thought about that, but I guess there's no reason that should be illegal

Imrainai: I do all the budgeting here, I can handle money OK

Trashrightsactivist: yeah well afaik that is entirely a purple thing to be doing, it's cleaning and it's business

Imrainai: That makes sense

Trashrightsactivist: and your library connections and self-starter attitude will mean you can pick up the extra knowledge you'd need

Imrainai: I don't know if I'd actually make more money than just working at the nursing home, but I can look into it

Trashrightsactivist: probly need some seed money i guess

Imrainai: ...yeah, you need some to get started I think

Trashrightsactivist: yeah it would at least have more potential to grow, is what i was thinking

Imrainai: but not THAT much for a cleaning business, you don't need an office or anything for that really

Imrainai: I bet you could do it with just a web page actually

Imrainai: not that I know how to make a decent website

Trashrightsactivist: yeah you probably wouldn't make more to start with but could eventually - if you read the books and stuff and came up with a good business model you could probably pitch it to people to get a small investment for like, a website and some supplies, maybe a vehicle

Trashrightsactivist: tell the nursing home they can hire you as a contractor through your business, but if you've got other work you have more leverage to get better pay there

Imrainai: That's an interesting idea... I dunno if they'd go for it, but at least this is something to look into. It's good to have options.

Imrainai: Thanks :)

Trashrightsactivist: I mean. In a sane world you could learn more about the library while you stack shelves and work your way up to librarian but we don't live in a sane world

Trashrightsactivist: np :) I better get back to work but good luck if you decide to try it

Trashrightsactivist: oh secret new me is truth-from-ashes btw. Trusting you to keep that sceret.

Trashrightsactivist: ttyl

Weeks Later

Imrainai: Wanted to thank you for the idea to start a business. Liet's going to be starting up after-school tutoring really soon, and apparently it's absolutely legal for me to volunteer at her business and for her to then put that money towards food and rent. I'll get to make money while spending time with my family and helping Taz and his classmates with their homework. :D

Days Later

Imrainai: ruby did you hear about the thing

Imrainai: the orvara thing

Imrainai: you're not in orvara are you

Days later

Imrainai: please don't be in orvara

Later

Trashrightsactivist: I'm not there. I'm sorry if my absence from the online was worrying- reds everywhere are panicky right now and that's been my focus.

Imrainai: no no it's ok! just wanted to make sure you weren't. uh. actually dead

Imrainai: be safe

Imrainai: or as safe as possible I guess

Trashrightsactivist: You too. I don't know what's going to happen now but it's not going to be good and it's not going to just be us that suffers for it in the end.

Fall, 3422

Imrainai: ruby are you still alive and kicking and there and stuff

Several weeks later

Imrainai: rubyyyyyyy