#i am the bravest at 3AM

[symphony-for-the-eyes]

I am the bravest at 3AM - by me

[fortunately-bi]

When I say I'm from Michigan people in Kentucky are like "oh my god my uncle's daughter sons 3x dead husband's cousins roommate widows baby daddy is from Michigan" and I'll laugh and ask where from and they'll name off this place I've literally never heard of or they're from Detroit. And when I say I'm from grand rapids they just give me a look and are like oh yeah there huh. Same.

Then when I say I moved from Chicago everyone wants to know how many times I've almost been shot. Never shot, but I did threaten to shove a cigarette in a dudes eye when he threw me up against a wall jscjjdjdjdjdjdj I did get punched on the train after cutting my finger open. It was exhilarating.

[homocorn]

i am very complex. i enjoy the generically attractive fire emblem characters and yet i do not care for their one trope personalities

[theshylittleelfgirl]

Whew! this idea has been in my noggin for a while now and i finally had the brain power to actually write it! Horaaay for BIG BRAIN! If you liked this story please be sure to leave a comment to let me know if i should continue it or if you liked it, There's going to be some spelling errors i pray that you forgive that! It is awfully late here and my brain is fried right now lol 

I added a little bit more to the story not much, It was really bothering me so i fixed it! Part 2 will be coming soon :D

Enjoy!❤

×××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××

I was sitting in Levi's office reading a book on his couch, I have finished my daily routine, I decided to spend my free time with levi.

But that short fucker was To busy doing paperwork.

We haven't had sex in like a year....A Year!

I was always trying to get him in the mood, running my fingers up his sides in the morning trying to make my intentions clearer, but apparently he got all huffy and said 'Quit pestering me brat, I'm trying to sleep here.' and then he would roll back on his side facing away from me.

'What a rude shithead' i huffed.

Then an idea popped in my head, it was getting pretty late maybe just maybe we can have sex and fall asleep cuddling, It would usually help the both of us relax after a long day.

"Hey levi?" i said in an innocent voice.

"What?" he said irritated he looked up at me briefly then back down at his paperwork.

I strutted over to him standing behind his chair massaging his shoulders unbuttoning the top of his shirt ghosting my fingers over his collarbone. "I'm going to get ready for bed, why don't you join me?" i whispered seductively into his ear. "Maybe i can show you how flexible i've become." i nipped his earlobe.

"No, I can't leave this paperwork you go ahead and lay down." his face remained stoic not phased in the slightest.

I growled and stood in front of his desk slamming my hands down but not getting his attention what so ever "All you ever do is paperwork levi! i get its part of your job but fuck! we haven't had sex in a year, A Fucking Year Levi! i've tried everything to get your attention but you continuously refuse my advances, What do i have to do? Write "Fuck Me" on my forehead to get your attention?" i panted after my rant my face red with anger.

He finally looked at me for the first time this night his icy glare pierced through me like a dagger. "If all you want to do is spread your legs then your not fit to be in the scouts, You want to be fucked so bad? then go find someone else to do the job, I got priorities to attend to and you aren't one of them, Now shut the fuck up and leave me the hell alone!" he snarls when he was met with silence only then did he realize he fucked up, "Y/n, I-i.." he couldn't muster up the courage to apologize for his shitty words.

Hair fell in front of my eyes "If that's what you really think of me then i think our relationship is officially over Captain, I won't bother you ever again." i went into 'our' room grabbing a bag i began stuffing my belongings toiletries,clothes,drawings into said bag. He heard the dresser jores being opened and closed 'Shit! she's going to leave! do something moron!' he jumped out of his chair rushing into the room and saw me packing my things. "Y/n, baby, Wait please i didn't mean what i said i swear, I'm just stressed that's all." he tried placing a hand on my shoulder i shrugged it off. "Don't." i said darkly "Don't fucking touch me." once my things were packed i swung my bag on my shoulder walking right past him not sparing him a glance.

I reached the door i felt him grab my arm i halted my movements. "Please don't do this." he begged.

I ripped my arm out of his grip "I hope your paperwork can keep you warm at night, Captain, because i won't be anymore, Asshole." i opened the door slowly shutting it not wanting to wake up the other soldiers.

I walked the dark halls trying to find hanji's room 'I should of brought a lantern with me.' once i knew i was far enough away from levi's room i slid down a wall it was only then that his words started to sink in 'Asshole...what a fuckin asshole! Mikasa warned me about him why didn't i listen to her? god i'm so stupid.' i laid my bag beside me hugging my knee's to my chest i sighed 'I tried so hard to see his side on things, To understand his pain what he went through, Understanding how he was about as romantic as a cactus, His cleaning obsession's, I tried so hard for him.' I buried my face in my knee's silent tears fell down my face.

I began to sob 'Why would he say something so fucking cruel?!' hugging my knee's tighter i began to shake.

"Y/n?" he deep masculine voice echoed in the halls.

I looked up to see a bright orange light illuminate a tall manly figure then i looked up to their face.

"Erwin?" my voice cracked

"Y/n, What happened? your eyes are almost swollen shut." he kneeled in front of me.

"Levi he....he." tears began to pour from my eyes. "He hates me, He thinks i'm some kind of whore who will spread her legs openly for any man, He told me i wasn't fit for the scouts, that i'm basically a burden on him." i sobbed into my hands shaking even harder.

Erwin sighs "Levi has always had a sharp tongue sometimes he doesn't think things through clearly." he looked to your side and noticed a bag. "You have no where to sleep, Why don't you come into my office and you can take my bed i'll take the couch, How does that sound?" he gently placed a hand on your shoulder.

I looked up at him tears still falling from my eyes. "I'm not going to kick you out of your own room Erwin, i wouldn't feel right doing that to you." you looked away embarrassed that the commander saw you in this state, but he's seen me like this countless times he and i were friends after all we would share our burdens over a glass of whiskey once in a while.

He took my small hands into his calloused ones and squeezed them reassuringly "I have no problem with sleeping on the couch, I hardly ever use the bed anyways, So you wouldn't be taking anything away from me." he smiled gently.

I looked into his calm ocean eyes i hesitated for a minute but nodded "Okay, i will if it's truly no problem." sighing knowing there was no arguing with him.

"Its settled then, Lets get you to bed, You must be exhausted." He let go of my hands and stood up he lent his hand to me, I took it and he helped me stand noticing my tear stained cheeks he reached into his pants pocket and pulled out a handkerchief he offered it to me.

I took it from him and gently began dabbing the soft fabric on my eyes and cheeks, I offered it back to him and he held up his hand "Keep it, You need it more then i do, Besides i have a million of those things in my dresser." he chuckled picking up the lantern.

A small smile formed on my lips i nodded stuffing the handkerchief into my pocket.

"Shall we then? you'll catch your death in this cold hallway." he inclined his head in the direction of his room/office.

I reached down and grabbed my bag off of the floor slinging it over my shoulder once more.

"Lets go." i simply said erwin began walking down the dark hallways if it wasn't for his lantern lighting the way i would of been lost forever in these damnable stone hallways.

"If you don't mind me asking, Why was he being so harsh this time? not that i'm excusing those awful untrue things he said." eyes glued to the steps in front of him.

I looked away from his back my voice deeply saddens. "I just wanted him to come to bed and relax with me, I'm sorry if this is to much info but we always made love and then we would cuddle afterwards whenever he was stressed and he was extremely stressed tonight, so i offered to help him relax and that's when he..." i choked down my sob breathing rapidly.

"E-erwin do you think he's...?" i couldn't finish the words 'Would he stoop so low that he would cheat on me? Am i not enough for him anymore? does he take me for a woman who would sleep around with other men? Why would he say those horrible things to me? What have i done wrong other then try to love him flaws and all?' a million thoughts ran through my mind, i felt a weight on my head i looked up to see erwin looking at me sadly he ruffled my hair.

"No, Levi is definitely not the type to run around, He really loves you y/n, I bet he feels absolutely awful for what he said and i imagine he's beating himself up over it, Levi is a tough person to get along with but you have dedicated your heart and soul to him, He wouldn't throw that away just for some random woman, Not only are you the bravest most loyal soldier your the most kindest caring person as well, That's a rare thing in these times, He's lucky to have someone like you y/n." he took his hand away so he could look into my eyes.

I began to tear up again. "His words cut me deep erwin, I don't know when or if i'll ever forgive him, his hurtful words are still fresh in my mind, But i do appreciate what you said to me, That's probably the nicest thing i have heard in a while." i smiled through the tears.

He nods. "Its going to take some time for you to heal and that's completely understandable, You are more then welcome to stay in my room for as long as you want to, But if you ever feel uncomfortable, Hanji isn't that far from where i am, She would more then welcome you to stay, Just be prepared to be interrogated she doesn't give up easily." he sighs

"I'm fully aware." I giggled a little taking the handkerchief dabbing my eyes again.

He smiled and began walking again i followed him looking back into the dark hallway wondering what he's doing right now, i sighed directing my head towards the back of the commander.

Unbeknownst to you, Levi lingered behind one of the archways (is that what they call it? its 3am give me a break lol) listening in on yours and erwins chat.

He clenched his hands into a tight fist knuckles whitening. "I fucked up, Now eyebrows is going to take her away from me, I'm such a fool." he ran his fingers through his hair.

"I have to fix this, No, I Need to fix this, But how? i'm clearly shit at my words." he sighed

"Maybe hanji can help?" he started to feel hopeful, he was either desperate or crazy to even consider help from the mad scientist, Definitely crazy.

With his mind made up, He pushed off the archway(?) looking at that orange light fade away into the darkness once more he turned away and began walking back to his room.

"Please don't give up on me y/n." he pleaded.

To Be Continued.

[greenygreenland]

I put on my bravest face And say what I have to say Looks can be deceiving I am not angry, just awake

-Young and Free by The Fold

I forgot to draw part of Jay's gi... Also, it's 3am. I can't believe I spent three hours on this.

[fieldsofbone]

You are one of the coolest, bravest, wisest, kindest people I know and I ADORE you. Whatever you’re going through right now, you will get through it just as you have so admirably all the times before. And whatever it is, I wish you didn’t have to deal with it and I’m sorry, but I know for a fact everything will be okay. I love you!!! You are a queen!!! Also it’s 3am so this is subpar and may have delirious typos and I likely won’t see your reply before I sleep jxjdnxn LMAO

CHAR PLEASE I AM MADE OF GLASS BONES AND PAPER SKIN 🥺 your words are perfect and so kind and warming and supportive and mean everything to me, thank you so much for this and please know that i think the WORLD of you and am so grateful to have you in my life!!!! thank you again for this, you are the best person alive and i love you more than anything!

[hisuian-goodra]

Primrose, creams and sky and remember me☺️💖

Primrose: What Book should everyone read rn absolutely?

Erm 😳 call me a fake bookworm but it's been ages since I've touched a book not related to academics </3 but hmm ig since it's a pandemic and like we're all Basically free 24/7 and bored , why not give the LOTR books a try?👀 Or the Asoiaf series?👀

Creams and Sky:. What's the craziest/bravest thing you've ever done?👀

:/ this ain't brave but craziest shit recently was during one of my board exams (basically exams that determine your life💀) so like picture this: You've got an exam tomorrow,and you can't sleep ffs 💀 it's 3am and you still can't sleep (while you need to get up at 6am💀) so me being the dumbass I am instead spent the hour looking up memes and stuff 😑. I think I finally slept at around 4:30 or something 💀. Thankfully my exam did go well but I was tired and Good Lord my eyes were burning (but I did sleep for like a whole day after I came back tho💀)

Remember Me: Did you make someone laugh today?

Ig I made two of my internet friends laugh today 🤔 we were having a video chat and we all laughed over some stupid shit that I said💀

Thanks for asking 👀💕

Send me Botanical Asks Cause Wynaut?

[bbrandy2002]

He Sleeps

Liam x MC

This is my first post, so, I apologize for errors.

I came across a song, "He Sleeps" on youtube from the soundtrack of Pretty Woman that inspired me to write this. I thought about Liam and Riley at Applewood during the Enagement Tour and wondered what each was thinking in the moments after they made love. The lonliness and heartache of the circumstance, yet, complete and wholehearted devotion to one another. Play the song while you read for the full emotional effect

These characters belong to Pixelberry.

"He Sleeps"

He came to my room tonight, he had to make sure I was safe. He still blames himself for what happened in this room during our previous stay.

His love for me is boundless, how I adore him. Ive never been in love with someone so much that my heart truly ached.

Lying in my bed, I cradle him in my arms for the first time, as he rests peacefully. His features are still, angelic like, yet, troubled.

All of his life has been planned, set routines and expectations. After years of being dragged from one function to another, enduring political unrests, painful losses, buried emotions, sacraficing his freedom for the wellbeing of a country....never being seen for who he really is....a kind and caring man, who wants to be loved and to love back.

How did fate bring us together; a lowly waitess and a prince? My King.  What is it about me that he sees as being worthy of his love?

How did this generous man find me. He tells me I saved him, but, even now, I cant save him from the tragedy that is our love story thus far.

I want to free him, but, the answers to our troubles are so far away. I want to always be his escape, as I am at this very moment. I want to hold him like no other has and ease his burdens. I want to see that smile on his face that only I seem to cause.

How did I get so lucky to be loved by him. Tears escapes down my cheeks as I stare at him and caress the side of his temple with my thumb. I know he will soon awaken and return to his room on the other side of the manor, but, right now, with the moonlight shining on his face, he is mine. Even if those words can never be spoken publicly...he is mine,and I, his.

How will I ever let him go if it comes to that. I need him...hes my heart, my soul, my everything.

Oh God, do I love him! I pray he will get his freedom, his happiness, his unspoken dreams....an us. 

I lay my head back on his chest, closing my eyes, thinking, but, for now, "he sleeps."

"She sleeps"

Its almost 3am and I must take my leave soon.  The face of my one and only love rests on my chest, with her hand beside it.

I stare at her fourth finger, the one that was to be adorned with my symbol of unrequitted devotion and affection to only her. A lump forms in my throat when I think that another woman is wearing the ring I chose specifically for this lady in my arms.

I hate that the most I can offer her are moments; she deserves so much more. This woman gave up her life, her home, all things familiar, for me.

She has been bullied, intimidated, scrutinized, and called the vilest of names....yet, endures those things, simply because she loves me. Will I ever be worthy of her love?

I want to make all of her dreams come true. She was never just a waitress to me, she was and has always been my greatest joy, my inspiration, my safe space....My Love. 

In her, I see a future of possibilities and fulfilled dreams. I see my unborn children in her eyes.  I thrive on her strength and fearlessness.

Each day gets harder without her on my arm, to see that sadness in her eyes when i walk around with another, attempting to feign happiness.

How did our love story come to this?  Its not possible for my heart to ever love another the way I love her.

I have faith, however, that the fates that brought together a lowly Prince and the bravest woman I've ever met, will see that this tale ends happily for us, together.

As I look down at the angelic face of the woman who saved me in every way possible, it hurts to leave her alone, again. 

I gently ease from the bed and dress myself. Before I return to my room, I lean over her and kiss her temple.  Tear rolls down my cheek; I miss her already.

Oh God, do I love her! I pray she gets her name cleared, that she gets the respect she is due, her dignity....her promised happily ever after.

I walk to the door and open it quiety, then turn around to look at her one last time, with a smile,  but, for now "she sleeps".

[extreme-technicality]

3, 14, 34, 39 for the unusual asks

3. rant. just do it

So a few months back I was wide awake at like 3am and talking with two friends on discord and the three of us were so fucking sleep-drunk that we created a whole new fandom for a crossover AU, specifically so two(2) crack ships could be made A Thing. Then we made a server for it. Then we made like four AUs of the original AU because what is restraint? Don’t Know Her, in this house we collect AUs like other people collect rocks and scars and stamps. Anyway. Me and one of the other OG Trio made a DnD AU as one of them, and I’m???? Living????? It’s the most crack thing EVER but we’re taking it so seriously lmao, like we’re DEFINING the “crack taken seriously” tag on Ao3. We’re crossing over BNHA and the Marvel comics, and in the dnd AU Iida is DM for a party made up of Hawks, Hawkeye, Black Widow, Iron Man, Spider-Man, Ochako, and Bakugou. We’ve come up with names and classes and races and BACKSTORIES, mother fucking BACKSTORIES for these fake dnd characters to be used in a crack-taken-seriously fic by other fictional characters, and I am LIVING for it right now. Unfortunately not everyone is so stoked for this, one of my Discord spouses gets really really upset whenever I bring it up around them so like,,,I can’t gush about the brilliance of my shitposting mind to them? I can’t bring up a ridiculous aspect we decided to put in there to them and it really really bugs me cuz like. I get it!!! This is stupid!!! But I’m having fun doing stupid shit!!! And I don’t quite get WHY they’re so against it, so to me it reads as “oh Lyn is having a great time doing something without me, time to shit all over it”. Logically I know they don’t think like that (and now that I’m considering it again I think it might be because one of the crack ships we made this AU for fucks with one of their OTPs, which would understandably limit the amount of enjoyment one could get out of the AU), but still. It kinda hurts.

14. what’s your coffee order?

Black with just a little bit of milk. I’m a simple being.

34. do you like your hogwarts house or do you wish you were a different one?

When I was a kid I thought I’d be in Gryffindor cuz that was the “Hero House” and I wanted to be the hero. Now that I’m older, I’m more able to accept that no, I’m not the bravest bitch out here, or the smartest, but goddamnit I can leverage my fairly-extensive skill set to get what I want regardless of whatever is holding me back. I’m a Slytherin and goddamnit I’m proud of that. Plus snakes are cool.

39. describe your aesthetic

Psh. What’s an aesthetic?

Ask me!

[theexecutionerssong]

1/2 Dear Miss. G. you made me cry first thing in the morning but I am so so proud of you. Figuring yourself out it the hardest and bravest thing that you can do in my opinion. Dont be mad at youself be pround, you did something that some people never have the courage to do and you did it multiple times not just once. I think that we are the same age and maybe on the same side of the spectrum but I never had enought strength to figure myself out. So thank you for this, for showing me that it is..

2/2... that it is ok to change how you feel about youself and that you dont have to have evetything figured out at our age. I know that you dont like masaages like this but be pround of youself because for what its worth I am pround of you and sending you lots of love and right people into your life. And for those that have any kind of problem with you FUCK THEM! ❤️

Oh fuck, love, thank you. It was absolutely not my intention to make anyone cry at all and I’m sorry for that.... But that being said, I’m so glad sharing my thoughts, as jumbled and emotional as they were at 3am, has helped you. Don’t think of yourself as weak for not “figuring yourself out”. It’s all okay, take your time. And it’s all okay if you never find anything that 100% fits you. Be your own little star ♥  And for those that have any kind of problem with that.... FUCK THEM!

[amylillian22]

“Better Man” - Theo Raeken Imagine (Part 2: Whiskey)

Requested: A few of y’all.

Word Count: 1,871

Warnings: Dealing and mentions of heartbreak

Author’s Note: When I first posted “Whiskey” a lot of y’all asked for a second part. At the time, I had no ideas for a second part. Then, one of my favorite Little Big Town songs came up on my iTunes and I immediately knew what to write for a second part. So, here it is and I’m so sorry for the long wait, ha.

Feedback is always welcomed and appreciated.

[My Teen Wolf Master List]

[Part One: Whiskey]

Theo walked up to the huge two-story house. All the lights were off, giving him the impression no one was home. Just before he was about to turn around and walk away from the front door, he heard heartbeats. His hand shook as he lifted it up to knock on the wooden door. He took a deep breath, trying to brush away the nerves. He curled his fingers into a tight fist and knocked three times.

A light turned on seconds before the front door flung open. A tall and slender girl in her booty shorts and a crop top with an eye mask resting on top of her head answered the door. Theo took a step back as his nose picked up her scent. She was a werewolf.

“Bro, it’s 3am. What do you want?” She asked annoyed, clearly bothered someone woke her up.

Theo cleared his throat. “I’m sorry. I was looking for Y/N. Does she live here?”

“Who’s asking?” Another girl appeared and stood next to the girl who had answered the door. She was tanned, curvy, and only wore a long shirt that reached her mid-thighs.

“I’m sorry. I’m Theo,” he offered her his hand.

“Raeken?” The girls asked in unison, almost in a low growl. Their sudden anger didn’t go unnoticed by Theo. He had no doubt these two girls were roommates with Y/N. If not, they certainly knew Y/N and she clearly mentioned him to the girls.

“Yeah,” he answered honestly.

“I think you should leave,” the first girl said.

“Why?” Theo asked.

“Because you’re not wanted here,” the second girl answered.

“I could stay out here all night until she comes out,” Theo said. “I need to talk to her.”

“We’ll make sure you won’t stay the night,” the first girl growled.

Theo chuckled. “Am I supposed to be scared of you two?”

“No,” the second girl said with a small smirk as the first girl opened the door wide, revealing 5 more girls standing on the stairs all looking down at Theo.

“You should be scared of us,” the first girl said. Theo tried his best not to show his fear, but he couldn’t help it. The girls heard the sudden change of heart beat and his chemosignal changing. The girls knew he was outnumbered.

“Enough,” Y/N growled. Theo let out a small sigh of relief as he saw her descend down the stairs.

“I had no idea there was this many werewolves in Hawaii,” Theo said as she stood in front of him.

“There wasn’t until a few months ago,” she answered.

“What do you mean?” Theo asked.

“Ladies?” Y/N asked as she turned around to face her friends. All the girls’ eyes changed. Most of them glowed yellow, but two of them had electric blue eyes.

“Damn,” Theo let out a small whistle, clearly impressed. “Clearly there’s an alpha around town. Any idea who it might be?”

“Yeah.” Theo’s jaw dropped as Y/N turned around to face him with bright red glowing eyes. “Me.”

“What-? How?” He asked, completely flabbergasted.

Y/N’s eyes changed back to normal. “That’s another story for another day. What do you want, Theo? Why are you here?” She asked as she crossed her arms to her chest.

“I wanted to talk.” Theo shoved his hands in his pockets and shifted his weight from one foot to the other.

“That ain’t happening.” “Anything you have to say to her, you can say in front of us.” The two girls who answered the door said at the same time.

“Ladies, go back to bed. I’ve got this.” They all took a moment to look at Y/N, double-checking to see if she would change her mind. When she didn’t, the girls glared at Theo before they all made their way back to their bedrooms.

Y/N walked out and closed the door behind her. She sat on the front steps and looked up at Theo, silently inviting him to sit next to her. “How did you find me?” She asked as he sat down next to her.

“I tracked your scent.”

“It’s been years, how could you possibly remember my scent?”

He locked his eyes with hers. “You’re not so easily to forget about,” he answered honestly.

“What are you doing here?” She asked again, changing the subject.

“I’m here with my friends for Spring Break. What about you?”

She looked away from him and looked at the house in front of hers. “I transferred here my sophomore year and I’ve been here since.”

Theo stared at her, longer than he should have. He wanted to ask so many questions as he wondered what her life had been like since their senior year in high school. More importantly, he wanted to apologize for everything he did.

“I see you still have a staring problem.” Theo chuckled at her comment. His smile quickly faltered when he realized she didn’t even smile at him. She turned around to face him. “Why are you here Theo?”

Theo let out a heavy sigh before running his hand through his hair. He didn’t want to jump into a deep conversation, but if that’s what she wanted, he was going to give her what she wanted.

“Seeing you at that bar tonight was the last thing I expected. After I came back from hell, you were the first person I wanted to see. When you weren’t around, I tried finding you, but I had no luck.” Y/N stayed quite as Theo spoke. She had stayed in touch with Scott, who called her the night Liam brought Theo back. She couldn’t believe it, but then all the lies and pain he caused her came rushing back. She asked Scott not to tell Theo where she was. She wanted nothing to do with him.

“I called and texted you so many times-“

“I changed my number.”

“I figured that out eventually,” Theo nodded. “I ended up getting my GED and applied to the colleges you had told me about. By some miracle, I got accepted to your dream college and I decided to go.” Y/N was surprised. She didn’t know what to say to that. She had no idea Theo had done this.

“So, I signed up for a couple of classes and tried to look for the girl I loved.” Y/N swallowed hard and looked away from him. “To my surprise, I actually liked college and the experience that came with it. I even joined a fraternity,” Theo chuckled at himself, remembering all the stupid shit he did with his brothers. “It’s like for a few minutes, I was living a normal life. No one knew who I was, what I was, or what I’ve done in the past. It was sort of freeing...” He trailed. He took a deep breath. “Eventually, I stopped looking for you, but that didn’t mean I stopped thinking about you.” Theo hesitated before he reached for her hand and held it. He gave it a gentle squeeze, signaling her to look at him. “It didn’t mean I stopped loving you, because, Y/N, I still lov-“

Y/N placed her finger on his lips, silencing him from finishing his sentence. When Theo said nothing, Y/N pulled her hand away. He pressed his lips together, nervous what she was going to say next as her chemosignals were reeking with so much hurt and sadness.

Her eyes began to water. “You hurt me,” she whispered.

“I know,” he whispered back with a shaky breath.

“You don’t understand the unbearable hell I went through, Theo.” He flinched at the word ‘hell’, which didn’t go unnoticed by Y/N. “I didn’t mean it that way,” she quickly apologized.

Theo shook his head. “It’s okay. Go on.”

She swallowed hard before continuing. “When I got home that night, I looked at myself in the mirror and realized how stupid I was to believe everything you had said to me. Everything you said and did was a lie. That kind of damage is permanent, Theo. So, the only thing I could think of was to run. I know it may sound stupid, or ridiculous even, but considering the position I was in, that was the bravest thing I could have done for myself.”

Theo’s emotions matched hers. He was torn, heartbroken, and completely devastated. It broke his heart to know she believed his love for her was a lie. It wasn’t. How he felt about her was 100% real. Nothing about it was the slightest bit false.

“Moving didn’t make it any easier though. The nights were the hardest. I could feel you next to me in bed, as if you never left. It was impossible to sleep in such a cold bed, and the only solution was crying myself to sleep.” Y/N sniffled before finally looking back at Theo, who had fallen tears down his cheeks. “You were constantly on my mind. I wanted answers to why you did everything and why you hurt me. I wondered what would have happened if you hadn’t done any of it and if you had just been a better man.”

“I’m a better man now.”

“It’s too late, Theo.”

“Is it?” He cupped her cheeks and looked deep in her eyes. “Can you honestly look straight in my eyes and tell me you don’t love me anymore?” Y/N swallowed hard as her heart thundered against her chest. She held his gaze longer than Theo expected before she looked down, biting her bottom lip.

“Baby girl, I know I hurt you, but you have to know my feelings for you were real. It was all real, every kiss, every touch, every laugh, every ‘I love you’, was real.” He pushed himself closer to her after each sentence, his lips now an inch from hers. “Even after all this time... my love for you is still real. I have and always will love you.”

“I can’t,” she whispered, her lips brushing against his.

Theo sighed and pulled back, but Y/N stopped him as she grabbed his wrist. “I can’t admit I don’t love you anymore.” At her words, Theo crashed his lips against hers. Theo cupped her cheeks as Y/N’s arms wrapped around his neck. Their lips moved in perfect rhythm, ignoring the salt taste from their tears.

“I love you so much,” Theo mumbled in between kisses as his lips trailed across her jaw and down her neck before burying his face at the crook of her neck. He wrapped his arms around her waist and held her tight.

“I love you too,” Y/N sniffled as she held him tight for a few minutes.

Theo pulled back and wiped the tears from her cheeks. “So, what does this mean? For us?”

She sighed and held his hand. “It means I stay here and you’re going back to school to graduate.”

“But-“

“You graduate this May, don’t you?” Theo nodded. “That’s in less than 2 months. You have 2 months show me the better man you’ve become. Call, text, email, and FaceTime me. Let’s see how things go and when you graduate-“

[if-only-we-could-read-it]

Since I don’t think I’ve spoken about any of them in any detail, here’s a quick summary of my ‘main’ current fantasy ideas for wips: 

Fairytale wip - The princess of a kingdom gets sent away and locked in a tower because tradition, so that the ‘bravest knight in the kingdom’ can save her, marry her, and then she can become queen and have a ‘strong man’ to command armies. Her slightly-younger twin brother already has many issues with this, but then the first person to reach the tower turns back up screaming about a dragon, and everything becomes much more critical. he recruits the pessimistic, jaded, totally not bi and crushing on the princess, castle mage to help him go and save her himself. shenanigans ensue. Also, I’m hoping to expand it into a series were the trio go around and help other fairytale characters. also also, the princess is also bi and the prince is aroace. 

The Prince and the fake death wip - sorely in need of a shorter reference name, but it works. The Prince of a kingdom has spent years slowly realising that said kingdom is corrupt, and that the Lords and the King and all of them are extremely flawed and bad for the country. he hires an assassin to sneak into his room and kill him, and then when the assassin turns up, uses The Codeword to indicate he hired him, pays him half, and explains that he’ll pay him the rest once his death has been faked. Shortly after they fake his death, the prince pays the assassin, escapes the castle, and then narrowly avoids being killed within his first night out, and only survives because the assassin has been watching him. the assassin basically goes ‘dude if you turn up either alive or killed by someone else, my rep is screwed.’ and then decides to journey with and protect the prince. it’s basically just a romance with a lot of yearning and also kind-of-enemies to reluctant-allies to lovers. 

Island Fantasy wip - doesn’t really take place on the eponymous island, but hey. There’s an island where no magic is allowed, and only the royal family and select few deemed trustworthy enough. There’s a whole process people have to go through about learning how bad magic was and why it was cut out before they can fully learn about it. The only magic on the island is a magical border that keeps magic out and can also detect it. Everywhere else in the world has magic, but people coming in have to promise not to use or talk about it. The main character is from the island, stumbles upon someone who’s not from the island fighting a monster of some sort, and somehow taps into her powers to help her. the not-island character originally takes the fall, but eventually the main character leaves the island to go explore her powers on the mainland, where she tries to learn (at a college type thing on the mainland) and also has to fight off evil, cause, yknow, plot. Also there’s a kraken. It lives in the docks on the island and i totally didn’t unintentionally make it a pollution metaphor isn’t considered magic by the islanders, much to the absolutely confusion of the non islanders who see it. 

High fantasy wip - a wise person might notice that all of these are high fantasy, to which I say: shh, it’s fine, leave me alone, i’m pretty sure i came up with these references at 3am one night. Anyway: this is both my child and my worst nightmare. Listen, I’m not saying it will live up to GOT or LOTR in anyway, but I am saying that I’m taking cues from both. not that i’ve finished either of them, but that’s besides the point. it’s a complex fantasy world that sort of centres around the princess who’s simultaneously dealing with the sudden rise of an Unspeakable Evil(tm) and a tonne of monsters attacking the kingdom, and the politically charged environment around the throne right now, even though her mother is still on it. basically: a lot of people don’t like her for reasons ranging from pettiness to anger at her (and her mother, though to a lesser extent) often ignoring tradition in order to improve the kingdom. Plus, yknow, the unspeakable evil thing isnt doing anyone any favours and no ones that confident in letting someone who’s basically a child deal with it. the princess does not disagree. This thing has so much worldbuilding and it only keeps going. i’m planning the history of each kingdom and family back centuries. I have so many notes on the various cultures within the singular kingdoms. I have two different religions plotted to their source, one of which has two branches and the other of which takes ‘organised religion’ as a rough guideline and varies person to person. There are four different languages that I know of, two of which I have planned in more detail. For one of them, I have the differences between the Ancient, Old, and Current versions of them figured out down to the pronunciation and where/when the shift happened. the other one has six reigonal dialects that are going to kill me. plants? traderoutes? peoples clothing down to the fibers? I’ve got you, and im getting you more every day.  Plot? don’t worry about it, it’s got political intrigue, magic, dangerous monsters, unfortold evil and maybe even a dragon or two, that’s all I need. 

[lesbeanmadie]

Baby, i love you boy do i wish i can find words to describe to you how much i love you, but sadly it’s difficult. before i met you i never knew i was possible to look at someone and smile for no reason. it’s crazy because i don’t even know when you became so important to me. it’s like watching a snowstorm. you see the flakes falling, but you don’t realize how they’re adding up. then suddenly you’re whole lawn is covered. all these little’s things added up, and you’re my snowstorm, baby. i love you i love you because you actually put effort into me. i love you because no one has ever given me that love and you are the only person that will love this way. i love you because you always make me feel that i am worth something. i love you because you have a nurturing nature and you always take care of me. i love you because you made me smile when i almost forgotten how to. i love you because you have a huge and honest heart. i love you and every little detail about you. your voice. your smile. your hair. your eyes. your lips. your hands. your smirk. your teasing. your humor. your weird faces. the way you talk. the way you walk. the way you say my name. your body. you i love you and all of you you’re special to me, my love. you’re the only one i wouldn’t mind losing sleep for, the only one i can never get tired of talking to, and the only one who crosses my mind constantly throughout the day. you’re the only one who can make me smile without even trying. you’re also super duper cute like not just your looks, but your personality is cute too. the things you say are cute, even though you can be really weird it’s still cute & i love that about you. i love how you’re just, you. i want you everyday. even when you’re mad at me, or i’m mad you. or even when you irritate me. i want your happy days and your “i don’t wanna be alive days”..those days especially because i promise to be your shoulder to cry on through it all. i want you in the morning, when you still have sleep in your eyes, & your hair is messy & your voice is raspy. i want you all the time, & not just to have you, but to hold you you, protect you, love you, kiss you, & cuddle you. i love the smell of you. I love the way it clings to the sheets in my bed after you stayed the night, I love breathing in with my face buried in the crook of your neck, I love wearing your hoodies and your perfume. The smell of you smells like home. I love talking about you. I want to tell everyone in the world how much I love you. I just!!!! love you!!!! so much!!!! it’s overwhelming!!!! I feel like I’m gonna burst!!!! i love loving you I’ll give you the love you want, the love you need, and all the love in between. I’m not perfect, I know this. But you aren’t either. For that, I love you even more! I’m gonna apologize ahead of time for being annoying and clingy sometimes, hell I’m so stubborn sometimes I’ll probably piss you off. But I promise when I’m wrong, I will always admit it, apologize and learn from it. I know you can’t be happy 24/7, that’d be emotionally exhausting. But I promise I’ll try my hardest to make sure whenever you can be, I’ll help make it happen. I promise I’ll always listen to whatever you say, and I’ll remember the little things like your favorite flower, your pet peeves, the way you take your coffee- hot, cold, black, light and sweet, all of that. I’ll remember the big things, your dreams, your fears, what keeps you up at night when you can’t sleep, all of that too. I promise you will be my one and only, I’m not here for games, when I’m about you I am so about you. Hell I’m probably obsessed w you, taking pictures of you all the time, sending you good morning texts every morning, and showing you off whenever I can. I promise I’ll buy you flowers, not too often that way they don’t have as much meaning, and not “not too often” where you feel I don’t care. I won’t get them when we fight because I’d never want you to associate them with something bad. I will buy you flowers because you love flowers, and I love you. Most importantly, I promise to be here. Through thick and thin, days will get rough but I would rather fight with you than love with another. If you need someone at 3am when you can’t sleep and you’re feeling lost and you hate your life, I will be there for you. I promise you’ll never be “too much” to me. I will be there for you on days where you can’t bring yourself to get out of bed if you’re too depressed to move or do anything. And I will be there at 2pm when the sun is shining and you are out smelling the fresh air and loving your life. I won’t love you any less on your bad days, but I promise I’ll love you more on those days because you’ll need it most. when I look into your eyes, I know that I could never look at anyone else the same way. 
it’s like you see me, you see right through me, and you know me.
you know my past, you are my present, and you will be my future. I can’t help it
but to love you
more and more. Your silence,
your innocence,
your weakness,
your craziness,
your wildness,
and even your madness, makes me love you. I love everything about you,
your every movement,
your facial expressions, it makes me smile,
it makes me laugh,
you drive me insane,
you drive me wild,
you make my heart beat faster,
you make my body weak that makes me want to feel your heat. I don’t know
why this feeling
gets deeper. I don’t know
why I love you
more than I should have. I don’t know why
I want to kiss you
passionately and wildly. All I am sure of is
I am willing to give you
all of me. I am so willing
to give you all my love
I have inside of me. you are the bravest of hearts
you are the kindest of souls
you are my light in the dark
you are the place i call home i love you, Jordyn Gonzales ❤️ Forever & Always @kr

[musingwriting]

i just wish i have someone to talk to. someone who understands. someone who cares. but the wall i built must have been too high for even the bravest strongest person. now when i am in the midst of insomnia and desperately needed someone to talk to, i couldn't think of a single person. Not a soul.

3AM

[hiddenreligion]

This is going to be long, and I’m just putting all this out because this is how I’m coping. No one has to read this if they don’t want to. The TL;DR version is my grandma is dying and I’m having work problems on top of that and I’m not in the best frame of mind. But for anyone curious, I am about to put everything out there under the cut.

This summer has been really rough. I moved from GA to SD last year for a promotion and to get away from really really bad family drama that had finally taken it’s toll on me and was making me severely depressed. I hid it well because I had to. Me and my grandmother (mama pronounce mawmaw because I am good ol’ southern trash yall) have always been close. My mother and father divorced when I was one and she was a young mom. So young that she had to take an unpaid internship, mow lawns, and work two convenience store jobs while she worked on becoming a teacher. We were piss poor on food stamps and almost lost our home, apparently, but I was 2 when she finally went to Mama and asked for her help. Mama and Papa literally raised me until I was 4 and my mom had a stable job, was able to get off government help, and she fell in love with my dad. BTW, there is a huge difference between father and dad for me so when I say dad, he is the man that wanted me and actually was there most of my life unlike the sperm donner that is my biological father. Gonna leave that for another story, maybe. Needless to say, I am really close to my grandmother. So, when her health started failing, I was there. We lived together for 11 years, basically from 18-29. I held two jobs, finished a bachelors, and lived and took care of her that entire time. It was hard and I missed my entire 20s. During this time, my family was in denial that anything was wrong for 8 of those years. They were too caught up in a toxic divorce and family drama which they always somehow drug me back into. I’ve always been the family peace maker whether I wanted to or not, so when I say I knew every intimate detail and scandal, I literally heard EVERYTHING. Then, about three-four years ago, Mama had a string of problems ranging from heart attacks to falls. One black Friday, I was getting ready for work at 3am and heard her scream for help. She had had a stroke of some sort and a pin in her spine moved and temporarily paralyzed her from the waist down and made her memory go completely. She recovered a bit, but after that she was walked bound and they diagnosed her with early onset dementia. The rest of my family was STILL in denial, even after all of the hospital visits, the doctors, everything. They said I was over exaggerating and I should just go live my life. Anyone living with someone with dementia or memory problems knows how much of a struggle it is just to do every day chores. Mama would cry and try to follow me outside if I left her sight. Once, when I went for groceries, she somehow got in her old car (I had hid the keys and this still happened) and she backed into our brick mailbox. I was completely useless and unable to go do anything even if it was to get her medicine. It was tough. Finally, they couldn’t deny it any longer when I literally had to resuscitate her on the living room floor when she tried to die in my arms. Yeah. My basic CPR certification was not the type of nursing she needed. After that happened, my mom moved in with us and, despite me and my mom generally not getting along for more than an hour, it was a tremendous help. Mom finally helped me get a nurse for mama through her insurance and helped with all the paperwork. It was such a relief. Still hard, but much better. Then we came to the conclusion that I needed to finally start my own life and quit putting it on hold. I have a degree and nothing to really show for it other than numerous retail jobs, food service jobs, and endless amounts of stress. It was a good, but hard decision and it took alot for me to move. I did, though. No one will ever understand the freedom I feel not being afraid to go for a walk or the PTSD like flashbacks every time I go to do something by myself. My home city was also a terrible, crime-ridden place. All of that was long behind me when I moved and I even got a promotion and started thinking of life past the moment. But I am also so alone up here. I have my sister, but other than her, I knew no one. And uh...I’m not the best at making friends because I am a reclusive, blunt, eccentric, cave-creature. I don’t even know how to have a life anymore and suddenly had all this free time. I already know how to do taxes and adulting, how to get chores done at 7am before work so I don’t have to worry about anything, how to keep things clean and take care of myself and others. (except cooking *cough*cough*) But the past few months, my Mama’s been in steep decline. She also was diagnosed with congestive heart failure before I moved and she’s been in and out of the hospitals. And my fudging work decided to turn down my request to see her this month before my 30th birthday. I am so livid right now. She fell yesterday and broke her hip and was taken to the hospital ER again. Since then, they have determined that she can’t have pain meds because they cause her heart to nearly stop. AND NOW I woke up at butt-crack of dawn to a call telling me her kidneys are failing. Things have been really really bad at work this week, too. Every single day 1-4 employees have called out and we were down two managers because they both went on vacation at the same time AND approved 6 employees for vacation at the same time. People have been showing up 2-3 hours late if at all, people have been sick, throwing up, unable to come in due to car troubles--just anything you can imagine. I was already seriously mad about the scheduling and now I’m angry, sad, and just...done. I got “coached” (basically yelled at for ten minutes) because I couldn’t finish the 48 hours of planograms we had scheduled this week. Surely that had nothing to do with no one being there to work? Yeah. Right. Also, been working in overtime all week and got yelled at for that, but it was damn near unavoidable and I just want to get everything at work fixed. I have been crying all morning and talking to my grandma on the phone, but I have never felt so far from someone I love. She had been like a mom to me, better than my own mom. And she is the bravest, strongest woman I know. Sassiest, too. I could go on and on about her. I have told my work I am going to see her and it’s a family emergency. She may not last long now, at least that’s what the doctors have said. The ticket was outrageously high, but I couldn’t give two shits right now. She has kept me together all these years and I have to be there for her. Sorry this is so long for anyone that actually read all of this. I rarely talk to anyone about all of this and I needed to get it out somehow. She’s sleeping right now and I have to prepare to go see her and find a cat sitter. Prayers and thoughts are always welcome.

[sleapmanjournal]

Interview with Meg

When do you feel most confident?

I don’t know. There have been times when I’ve just DONE something, like I remember when I made my film with the BFI, I felt pretty good for a couple of weeks after that. I think it was because it was so… daunting and I thought I couldn’t do it, and a couple of days before we shot it I literally locked myself in a room and cried and said I am literally never doing this again,  I’m not walking on a set again this is too frightening, I can’t cope with it, but then I did and it was huge amounts of fun and I loved it. It actually turned out quite well. So, I think times like that, when I feel like I’ve achieved something.

So you feel confident when you feel capable?

Yes. I feel confident when I feel capable. That’s very true.

Are there any other times when you feel confident?

Sometimes when I’m listening to music that uplifts me into  more confident mood, but I don’t feel confident often. I’m actually a very anxious, very nervous person. Always worried about osm4hting.

That’s funny, you wouldn’t think that.

That’s what people say to me when I say that, but I’m actually extremely nervous.

I think in some ways I probably AM a confident person because I am very, in  myself all the time and I don’t try to hide much. But I think I’m a very concerned person. All the time. I’m confident talking to people and just roaming around I guess, but really no not at all. I just come across that way because I can talk to people.

I feel like you know yourself pretty well. And that is a type of confidence, in knowing and understanding yourself.

That’s true. I guess I know most of the time what I want, out of life, and I think oftentimes it’s the other way around where you don’t know where you want to go or what you want to do.

What do you want out of life?

I want to have lovely, silly friends who love me as much as I love them, because I’ve had a lot of bad friends and bad friendships in the past. Um… I want to fall in love, and I want to just be a writer. I want to be the best writer that I possibly can be. In a dream world, id publish books or write plays or screenplays and make films, but, you know… that’s quite an extraneous ambition, isn’t it.

This is where I started only writing the phrases of Interest because I still have the recording as source material…

Why do you write?

Something I’ve done since Childhood  and that stays with us?

Everything I do relates back to it…

I even write about how I write about my life.

Is it an OBSESSION

Never interested in anything else.

Loves making films part of the same instinct…

I honestly feel like I’ve devoted my life to it. Spent hours and hours writing.

“I THINK I’M QUITE A LONELY PERSON”

Has writing has always been a remedy for loneliness...?

I have always felt like more of an observer than a participant in my own life

Lots of creative people are

Thinking about things as opposed to doing them.

Do you have a lot of out of body experiences?

One eye observes me observing myself

I guess to answer your question I can’t do anything else not particularly capable of anything else and doesn’t care about anything else

Doctors- “Incredible thing to want to do”

Helps her make sense of things

Gives her distance and perspective from the situation

Whole worlds and whole people inside books

COGNITIVE LINGUISTICS AND COGNOTIVE POETICS

When we connect to a character the feel real in our mind because the way our brain processes personality and communication and it uses the same cognitive mapping as with people

“We assume all the time that people have a mind like ours”

Reading makes immigrants of all of us. You have to emphasize with a whole psyche and experience

WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE HIDING PLACE?

My instinct is to say my bed… hidden from the world.. vessel

Sorry for intruding

Where do you feel most peaceful?

When I’m reading by the sea

Outdoors

Do you dress for yourself or how you will be perceived?

Yes always have

“I love clothes but hate fashion

Something sinister about it”

“I am aware that lots of people hate how I dress”

I don’t care I love the process of getting dressed

I think it’s indicative of the person I am inside

Deeply personal communication with yourself

Trial and error

Old outfits worn again

Turn a bad day into a good day

Rewrite the sentimentality

Wearing people’s old clothes wearing other people’s weird and wonderful experiences

I feel deeply uncomfortable in normal clothes..?

Even if people are dressing to illicit a certain reaction that’s a comment on who they are in itself

What clothes makes you feel powerful .. coats male heroes off television doctor who sherlock… jacket and trousers combination well-fitting tailored

What part of your body do you like the most?

“I would describe myself as a FLOATING HEAD

I don’t feel very connected to my body..”

I’m always so I my head

I don’t feel very sexy and I don’t think about my body much

I like my hands..

I’m lucky in that I’ve never had a bad relationship with my body because I’m naturally tall and skinny which means I’m exempted the suffering and pain of the patriarchy

Completely arbitrary.

What part of your body do you appreciate the most.. this is a question of function.. ?

SHE DOESN’T KNOW

When do you feel most sexy?

Laughing uncomfortably looooong pasue

When I’m with someone who I know finds me sexy

I love wearing a short skirt I do like my legs…?

Who makes you feel most comfortable?

Georgie twin sisiter … seen her through everything loves her unconditionally connection and friendship independent of everything else tell her anything

What is Home to you?

Home is where I can come and feel safe

The things I love are..?

Worried about leaving her bedroom

“it’s you that have mad the space like this not the space

You can feel a space with you

Transient experience of university

Live between two places..

Do you think your sentimental?

I’m a very sentimental emotional person makes everything familiar

Have you ever hated anything or anyone?

I hated my stepdad for a long time.. I wanted him to leave my life trapped with him..

Hated my dad for a while..

Do you think you actually hated them?

I think I actually hated my step dad

Hate is a counterproductive emotion stems from anger or fear.

What do you want to shout from the rooftops?

“FORGIVE YOURSELF”

We punish ourselves for so much.. “I have enough guilt in me to become catholic”

I will feel guilty for things that in hindsight aren’t even something

When is the last time you said sorry?

To Lily (ex) I said sorry that “our friendship had been so dented possibly beyond repair”

Even though it wasn’t my fault

I was sorry

When is the last time you cried?

I cry all the time, very frequently

Early Bird of Night owl?

Night Owl I find it interesting that “just because its dark why does everyone disappear”

Walking around at night at 3am who is that what are they doing why are they also awake

Why does someone text you at night what are you thinking about

I’m Productive and wide awake at night

In what ways are you creative?

Purely in words always come out in that

Building something and the stakes are so low

“I care about things I write about immensely”

How does creativity factor into your identity?

Creative people are a funnel everything that happens to them and everything they do goes into the work

A is part of how I view myself is as a writer

Do you view creativity as having some kind of purpose?

Do you think of your life as a sort of narrative as a story?

Perhaps in hindsight we see patterns and pinpoint moments of significance

“Natural human instinct to find stories in everything”

Do you think we would have if we hadn’t been exposed to stories?

We always have

Instinctive

Rudimentary language we told stories and painted them on cave walls

Loved hearing her mom and uncles tell stories together classic tales from childhood. Retell stories coming from their mouths see them as children and plant yourself back in the emotions they experienced at the time…

When is the last time you lied?

I Think White lies can Protect

Lying face down on the floor howling

“Something I have been enjoying is not having to lie so much..”

WORDS THAT YOU LIVE BY?

Everything can change in a day

For good or bad

“Sometimes the emotions are so strong they feel like they are going to be permanent”

YOU ONLY EVER NEED 20 S OF BRAVERY

Who is the bravest person you know?

My mother shouldered a lot of the responsibility..

She has been through an unbelievable amount of terrible things..

Step Grandma resilient and always laughing her name is JOY

How do you hope to grow old?

Grace chaos

Older women on dads side filth and outrageous, glamorous