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shallowseeker · 1 year ago

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Dean’s grief on speedrun

How long was Cas dead, anyway?

I think they reunited around day 18-24 days ish. The scripts give us some clues. (Based on this post)

==Dean is grieving hard==

He’s not in denial, like Sam seems to be -> “Is he really dead?” “You know he is.”

And because Dean now knows Chuck & Amara, he’s not getting stuck in bargaining stage (his usual MO). There is no door of hope to leave ajar after the cosmic consequences are rendered. (Not even the symbolic going-through-the-motions kind that he never intends to open again.)

No, this time, Dean’s in the throes of an incredibly frightening, paralyzing despair (images).

This is partially due to the fact that he saw it coming, and he fought so hard. He resolved to avoid the looming, cosmic consequences, to “not let Cas walk away, not again (script).” Dean made up his mind to act to protect the, “everything he’s ever wanted (script).”

And still, everything went so wrong.

///

The grief, then, is different. It’s a despair born of crushed hopes and dreams. Not to mention, forgiveness and acceptance—as Dean got onboard to help Cas, regardless of his own misgivings, because Cas “had faith in the kid.” This time, he stood behind Cas when he asked, and it still went rotten.

After everyone dies, Dean pleads with God/Chuck. Chuck is the one who brought Cas back before and the only one who seems able to rebuild angels. He doesn’t answer.

Even though Dean had a special connection to Amara, the one who resurrected his burned-up, supposed-to-stay-dead mother, she doesn’t answer either.

This time, he knows they’re out there, perhaps even listening. And they’re not answering because Dean’s run out of free passes and miracles.

This time, that knowledge crushes him where he stands.

///

DAY 1-2 (Lost and Found)

13x01 starts in the twilight hours after the big Lucifer fight.

Dean takes a shot at Jack, and Jack flees.

Heaven and Hell hunt them relentlessly.

They retrieve Jack from North Cove police station.

An angel stabs Jack in the chest with an angel blade, and he seems astonished to be “fine.”

Sam and Dean take time to grieve and scatter ashes.

The funeral occurs that evening, and they quickly get on the road.

///

DAY 3 ish (The Rising Son)

In 13x02, they're still driving home from the funeral towards the bunker, "12 hours till we get home," and Sam convinces Dean to stop at a motel.

Addition: When they eat, Jack remarks that he's 3 days old. "3 days, 17 hours, and 42 minutes."

Over the course of this episode, per the script, 2 days pass.

They eat dinner, go to a tattoo parlor, meet up with Donatello, and stay overnight in the motel.

Heaven and Hell continue to hunt them relentlessly.

Sam, Dean, and Donatello debate nature vs nurture, with Dean and Donatello leaning towards nature.

Sam psycho-analyzes Dean and delivers euphemisms to Jack about Dean “wanting to protect everyone and getting his wires crossed,” but ultimately, he isn’t forthcoming to Jack about the reality of the situation. (That is, it was Lucifer that killed Cas, and Lucifer who pulled Mary into another world--that Dean's grieving!) These important details might've helped Jack to understand his situation with a lot more clarity and grace. This will cause Jack to cool towards Sam when Dean reveals the truth during an argument.

Demons find them the next morning.

In fact, Dean nearly dies against a common demon, getting cornered on a hotel bed, but he is saved at the last minute by Sam’s interference.

Jack, tricked by Asmodeus, nearly releases the Shadim.

They drive home.

Later, Jack freaks out about being impervious to stabbing. In his new bunker room, he laments, “What the hell am I? I can’t control… whatever this is. I will hurt someone.”

Dean tells him he will be Jack's executioner if Jack loses control.

At most, it's been only 5 days since everyone died.

///

DAY 5 ish (Patience)

13x03 picks up mere hours after they get home, and it covers 5 days total. So, that brings us to a decently solid total of 10-ish days when this episode finishes.

Dean can't bear to be in the bunker with mission-mode Sam and Jack, so he takes off on a hunt.

Clearly in no shape to hunt, Dean dies at the hands of a wraith (and so does Jody). They are both saved by Patience’s interference.

Dean tells Patience there’s no joy in this life. Only pain and death.

Sam and Dean have a huge fight about Jack, during which Dean accidentally gives Jack context to the situation (re: Cas’s death, Mary’s plight). This causes Jack, already exhausted by Sam’s well-meaning training regimen, to cool towards Sam the next morning.

Cas appears to awaken in The Empty on day 9 or 10.

///

DAY 10-11 ish (The Big Empty)

13x04 SEEMS like the very next morning, because Dean AND Jack are both still chilly towards Sam. The air is described as arctic, with Dean giving Sam a, "don't even try it, motherfucker," face. Jack accuses Sam of wanting to use him as an interdimensional can opener and "being just like Asmodeus," and Sam comes clean about the truth.

Sam pushes them all to go on a case together. Jack says he doesn’t want to go at first. Sam wants Jack to go with them for the express purpose of forcing Dean to be around him and warm up to him, which isn’t fair to Dean or Jack…not really.

This storyline covers the family therapy scene (great analysis), wherein an interesting attempt at therapy is made under dishonest constraints.

Dean, still clearly in no shape to hunt, is easily overtaken by the shifter and nearly dies. He is saved by Jack’s interference.

According to the script, 13x04 occurs over 4 days. Commentary//

That means that Dean thawed to Jack, after our total of a mere 14 days. By the end of this episode, they're on shaky terms, and by the beginning of 13x06, calling out to each other in a friendly manner, "How was the case?"

Jack "puts a dent in Dean's armor," per the script, even before he saves them with his powers. Dean is doing everything he can not to like Jack, and it’s clear from the script that he’s failing.

At the end of the episode, Dean tells Sam to absorb the weight of the hunting burden, because he’s got no hope left.

Cas appears to awaken in a field on day 14. Presumably, his ashes are in the middle of nowhere, and he starts walking.

///

DAY 14-20 ish? (Advanced Thanatology)

Here’s where it gets foggier.

I can't tell exactly when 13x05 picks up with respect to the previous episode, but it seems like only a little bit of time has passed.

I would say a week at most has passed, but possibly as little as a day or two, and the case itself, per the script, covers another 4 days.

However, if Cas awoke in The Empty on day 10, and woke in the field around day 14, I think I favor a shorter timeline here with some of the “days” being overlapping back story from the case itself.

Anyway, Jack has been making his way through Sam's DVDs, "Red Sonja, Beast Master, Beast Master II." Commentary//

Sam does not intuit why Dean is up late at night/early twilight hours, making a PB & J (analysis).

Sam tries to remedy Dean’s overwhelming grief by pushing breakfast beer and strip clubs toward him. Alcohol to numb the pain + sexy stuff as a distraction. Now more than ever, Dean seems to perform those only for Sam’s benefit. (It seems Sam did not pay attention to Mia Vallens's therapy, except as a means to validate his own motives for trying to save Mary. Ouch! Poor Sam!)

Sam is not great with empathy here, bless my neurodivergent man-child. He’s dealing with a loss of his own, of course, and he’s been shown to be an impatient, mission-motivated griever (analysis).

Anyway, he’s completely at sea with Dean’s powerful grief, and he seems tragically unaware of Dean's close calls/being off his game over the course of the last few hunts.

Sam, perhaps understandably, wants Dean to be there for him n’ Jack, as caretaker and comrade, but Dean is too mentally wounded to bear the weight of that expectation. (Btw, I don’t think Sam really “gets” the Cas thing till 15x09 The Trap: Sam’s future is symbolized by Eileen-as-hope (analysis) and Sam realizes Dean’s future is built around Cas-as-foundation.) Dean dies...again//

Dean attempts suicide.

He tells Billie he doesn’t matter.

After he revives, Dean tells Sam, “No. Sam, I’m not okay. I’m pretty far from okay… And I would take the hit… And now Mom and Cas… And I – I don’t know. I don’t know.”

This is an elegant parallel to season 7’s grieving Dean, about his not being able to “shake” what happened with Cas, and admitting, “he doesn’t know why.” (Cas is different. Cas has always been different.) In season 7, he also says, “I’ll do what I can,” in response to Sam telling him to get his head in the game and stay alive. Cas is a core wound in both scenarios.

///

==Death & resurrection==

So, that would bring our guesstimate to Cas reuniting with the boys around 20-24 days. So, at most a little over 3 weeks but possibly closer to 4, especially if the backstory timelines of actual “case days” overlap, like 13x05 potentially does.

I am reasonably certain Cas awakened in the field near day 14. I’d personally put the actual reunion at 18-20 ish days, and certainly not longer than a month. They reunite in early June, I think. Blackberries are a summer fruit, and there are wild blackberries in the field where Cas awakens.

Dean drives to Cas and meets up with him, "in the middle of nowhere," so it seems Cas's grave and subsequent walk to civilization was in quite a remote area.

///

Going back through this, I was pretty astounded how Dean kept dying or nearly dying in those days following Cas’s death. He was definitely in no state to be hunting.

(images from CSN, SPN wiki, fangirlism.com)

#shal meta #dean/cas #tfw + grieving #dean + grief #spn season 13 #jack kline #the don't talk about cas sam wont' touch the cas thing with a ten-foot pole and i love that about him so much #saaaaam you are so focused on things that are ACTIONABLE like saving mom

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troutpopulation · 4 months ago

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Thinking about my detransition again and how I will never be ashamed of it. I will never be reduced to an inanimate political talking point. I will talk about it and advocate for people like me. I will never be reduced to a fetish. I will talk about it and how it has changed and transformed my sexuality. I will not be treated as obscene. I will talk about it regardless of who it pisses off.

I will talk about the regret I do and do Not feel. There are moments I wonder in pain how much easier my life would have been had I not transitioned in the first place. What kind of girl I could have been, what kind of friends I would have had and the ridiculous fashion phases i would have had pictures of today. Then I remember my friends are exactly the people who supported me through everything, the boy smiling in those old pictures is exactly who he needed to be at that time and built the stairs I walk upon now in my adulthood. He worked with what a traumatized child was given as tools and built the foundations of the home I reside in. Even if shaving my face annoys me in the morning, I remain thankful my pain led me to exploring my gender rather than suicide. Every swipe of a razor is a moment I chose to live and find solutions, and answers.

I will talk about the unique sexuality of being detransitioned. I will be vocal of the distaste I have for those who view my life as a seual degredation and torture fetish. I am not a fetish, but I will not be nullified to comfort others who cover their eyes and scream at the idea of female sexuality. Or the seuality in general of those who have detransitioned. Watching, experincing yourself become new and more yourself is exciting, I can't sit and pretend like it wasn't incredible seeing my figure change to an hourglass, or suddenly turning heads and feeling my ass fuller when I walk. And how incredible it was to lay in the arms of a man who saw me for who I was, who stroked the stubble on my chin in the early morning and said I was the most beautiful woman in the world. I won't apologize for how I marveled at the way the orgasm changed on and off HRT, or the way my vulva is effortlessly wet now. And I hope everybody whos detransitioned finds joy and delight in their bodies a second time.

I do wonder why so many people are so frightened by this persepctive. Why they cling to the idea that other people, or even themselves are condemned forever to misery because of what they rigidly define as a mistake rather than a part of a fluid journey of life. And it saddens me how much of themselves they've killed before they've died. If you're reading this, please challenge yourself to be fair to yourself. Do you really believe your existence is a punishment? Because you had the guts to explore and find out who you are? Because you had the strength to realize that there were other options? Because you did what people look down on and did it anyways for your own happiness? Because you got to the right place taking a longer path? Does that somehow make you lesser for having seen more than what others have seen and been more than what others have been?

Maybe its because I found God and purpose in things other people havent. Maybe that changed the way I saw my life or reaffirmed by belief that even in moments where I feel like life could have been better had I never transitioned I still know deep down I will never be what bigots think. How am I wrong? Because I was able to partake in the joy of creation not once but twice? Because I, among millions like me- cis, trans, detransitioned- all built ourselves from the ground up as many times as it took to get it right? That I feel pride in that? Its a humbling experience, to mold a human, even moreso when you take a change in artistic direction against peer feedback. If that's so wrong, then I do wrong without remorse. I'll do it a million times over, if I am who I am.

#writing #detransition #detrans #actually detrans #thoughts #sexuality #gender #faith

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sophieinwonderland · 6 months ago

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Sophie, you fundamentally misunderstand why people say you don’t see your opponents as people. They mean that you do not exhibit empathy for these people. Usually appeals to humanity elicit empathetic responses, and your apathy is rather concerning.

I don’t know if you have a condition that makes empathy difficult for you. If so, that’s understandable, but I would also then encourage you to step back and work on that skill before developing a large platform around fighting with other people.

However, you do seem to express empathy for those who you agree with, so I don’t think you entirely lack the skill. I think you just struggle to employ it when it’s emotionally difficult to do so. That’s understandable. You probably weren’t taught how to do so! Most people aren’t.

Regardless, you are nearly 30 years old. Your executive brain — which includes empathy — is fully developed. You are interacting with mostly people whose empathy is not yet fully developed. The onus is on you to model healthy behavior to your audience. You do not do this.

I’m going to be harsher from now on. I want this to really sink into your head. I don’t think you fully grasp the gravity of the things you say. I want you to know I’m not attacking you, I’m just trying to be firm and show you how alarming this all is. I really and sincerely encourage you to read my words as someone who wants to help you. I want to help you. I am worried about you and your health. I am worried about your followers. This is coming from a place of concern.

You are also a threat, Sophie. As a pro-endo system, you are incredibly frightening to me. I do not feel safe in pro-endo spaces because of how violent they are becoming, often parroting your rhetoric. I honestly see you as more of a threat than most anti-endos. Most anti-endos I have ever met are more caught up in definitions than an actual hatred of endos. Most anti-endos I’ve met are also young — much younger than you, anyway — and are thus still limited in their worldview. Often a conversation or two is enough to help expand this worldview into greater inclusivity. This won’t happen with everyone, of course, but we can’t reach everyone no matter what. Some anti-endos will always hate pro-endos, just as some pro-endos will always hate anto-endos.

You don’t treat anti-endos with empathy, and thus you only cause more harm, for both sides. You do nothing to change minds. You are only radicalizing people further. I promise you don’t make anti-endos think “oh wow, I need to change my ways because pro-endos want to take everything from me and make me suffer.” You make them think “holy fucking shit, pro-endos are monsters.” And while you may have radicalized other pro-endos to the point that joining pro-endos spaces can start to feel like joining a platoon, all you do is make me feel less and less like calling myself a pro-endo. I don’t like being in spaces where the majority of what people talk about is “I hate X people so much I wish they’d die.” These places feel hostile. There’s always been a layer of hostility, but it’s been getting much worse recently. And a lot of these people look up to you.

You are exactly what you despise. You actively cultivate a hate group yourself, dedicated to encouraging real, tangible harm against anti-endos. The things you post are genuinely more in line with actual definitions of hate groups, actually (remember, marginalized communities can also form hate groups). You do not address the structures that lead people to become anti-endo. You instead attack, threaten, and set your followers onto the individual people who are also hurting under the system that hurts you. This is not doing what you think it does! This isn’t a “gotcha” at anti-endos. This doesn’t stop more people from becoming anti-endo. You’d be more successful appealing to institutions, not anti-endos or other pro-endos, if your actual goal is to reduce anti-endo ideology.

But that’s not your goal, I think. Your goal seems to be “make them hurt as much or more than they hurt me.” That’s maladaptive. You legitimately are going about this in the way army recruits are trained to kill. Maybe you were in the military, I don’t know, but that thinking is very, very dangerous.

You are not on a battleground. You are on Tumblr or Reddit. You’re not bringing any systemic change by arguing on Tumblr or Reddit.

I think you also fundamentally misunderstand your opponent. Just as many anti-endos can say that pro-endos “hate us for our existence and even if they're not directly attacking us, they're supporting those that do.” Just as many anti-endos receive threats, including from you. Many anti-endos see pro-endos as ableist bigots, and that’s the source of their upset. Many anti-endos think pro-endos are overrunning their spaces.

The talking points are the same. You are excusing sadistic behavior on your part. That doesn’t make the behavior acceptable.

If you don’t care that someone else is a person, if you hurt them fully knowing that they’re another human being and that your actions will seriously hurt them, you are not an inclusionist. You are not an advocate.

You are dangerous. Period. MUCH more dangerous than the person who doesn’t realize their opponent is also human.

If you want to empathize with everyone, be my guest. 🤷‍♀️

Maybe that TERF on the other side of the screen is a victim. She was abused as a child. Then she grew up and entered into abusive relationship after abusive relationship. On top of that, every attempt at getting ahead in a male-dominated world has her battling the patriarchy at every turn. She's talked over and beaten down for the crime of being a woman in a man's world. It's cruel and unfair.

Her history, her trauma, makes it easy to radicalize her against all men. Every man must be inherently evil. And as for trans women, she thinks, “how dare they call themselves women? How dare they claim my experiences and the experiences of my sisters when they've never suffered like we have?”

And then she's fed a narrative that these “men” are pretending to be women to be able to sexually assault her and her daughters. And every time she enters the bathroom with someone she thinks is trans, she's going to have a panic attack and flashbacks to the worst days of her life.

If you want to empathize with the opposition, good for you. Think about how every advancement of trans rights is going to further retraumatize this woman and every woman with a story like hers.

Do you feel good about yourself, advocating for trans people knowing that doing so is going to hurt victims like this?

Well… you should. Because to do nothing, to choose not to defend trans rights, is going to hurt trans people who face discrimination and bigotry themselves. Inaction is worse.

I firmly believe the morally right thing to do… is to support the policies that are going to retraumatize some victims of abuse to protect trans people. And to push rhetoric that paint all TERFs, including women like that, as bigots who are dangerous and harmful. And if that woman is harmed by this rhetoric… well, no matter what led her to her choices, she still sided with hate. She still chose hate.

The road to every positive change in the world is going to be paved with hurt people, and she's just another brick in it.

Someone was telling me this not too long ago, and it’s a line I’ve rolled over and over in my head so many times since…

“It is heart-shattering to look in the mirror and recognize that you have done harm with good intentions. It is a come-to-myself, life-changing moment that we have had to endure several times already”

And I've thought about this because, for me, this just has never been true. I’ve been fully cognizant from the beginning that however nice I go about it, even if I try to minimize harm, my actions are going to hurt some people. There will be repercussions for whatever I do.

Perhaps lately I’ve been leaning into this too much where I’m intentionally making myself look scarier. But maybe I’m just tired of feigning ignorance. Of pretending my actions are harmless when I’ve always known that it’s a lie we tell ourselves to feel better about doing what has to be done.

I don’t like being in spaces where the majority of what people talk about is “I hate X people so much I wish they’d die.”

I'm just going to say that I don't see this actually happening. Here on Tumblr, I can only think of one post telling anti-endos to die, and it was basically phrased as them returning the same energy to anti-endos that they give to us, in response to months of anti-endos tagging posts with "#endos die" and even passing around that one image saying "death to the endos of Tumblr."

I do not condone or support telling anti-endos to die under any circumstances, but I do see telling random people to die for being endogenic as being different from responding to death threats in turn. And again, this is the only post I saw like that on Tumblr recently while I've seen many from anti-endos.

I also haven't noticed this sort of culture on r/plural when I've been there. Even when topics do go to sysmeds, they aren't wishing death on them.

I'm not saying you're wrong, because it's possible that this is happening in whatever isolated Discord servers you're in, but I haven't seen it happening in the spaces I frequent.

And if this is a problem, I'm not sure how much can be linked back to me when I'm not even in those spaces.

If this is becoming more frequent, maybe it's just in response to anti-endos ramping up their own rhetoric and becoming more violent in publicly calling for the deaths of endogenic systems, regularly wishing pain and suffering on us, intentionally invading our spaces to hurt us, and bullying and harassing endogenic systems and supporters like they've done to Aimkid and the Yaelokre server.

Just as many anti-endos can say that pro-endos “hate us for our existence and even if they're not directly attacking us, they're supporting those that do.”

Oh, bullshit!

Don't you dare try to "both sides" this!

Sure, anyone can say that, no matter how stupid of a comparison it is.

Except it's pretty clear that anti-endos are hated for a harmful ideology. Not for their existence.

If they don't want to be hated, they can just choose not be hateful to people for their existences. Simple. Easy peasey!

And since you claim to be a pro-endo system, I should also point out that if you're fully traumagenic, and you so chose, you could jump ship and join with the hate group to avoid getting hate from them.

If I don't want to be hated by anti-endos as an endogenic systems though, what are my options?

There are only two, really. I can either lie and pretend to be something I'm not. Or I stop existing. There is no other out because this IS about my existence, not simply my ideology.

I don't have a real choice but to ride this ship 'til the end and do my best to eradicate anything that tries to sink it.

And this also applies to your line about how I'm supposedly cultivating a "hate group." Because actual hate groups hate people for their immutable characteristics (and sometimes religion), not simply their ideology. No matter how much a group despises Nazis, you can't have an "anti-Nazi" hate group, because Nazism is an ideology.

Many anti-endos think pro-endos are overrunning their spaces.

You're leaving out the part where they think any spaces they happen to be in are "their spaces." Like say, a Yaelokre server that happens to be welcoming to pro-endos.

A major theme in recent sysmed rhetoric as more pro-endos branch out to and are accepted in new spaces is that we're now invading spaces that aren't even system-related.

Not to mention them trying to claim our spaces, terms and resources that have always been pro-endo as their own.

You say this isn't a battlefield, but in a way, I believe it is. No, we're not killing each other. But it is a fight of sorts, where anti-endos will do everything they can to get rid of us. They'll harass not just us, but people who support or even are neutral to us, with the express intent of getting us kicked out of literally every space we're in, even if that space isn't system-related.

And I fully believe that the best strategy is going to be not appealing to anti-endos directly to change their minds, but amping up rhetoric so that people who haven't formed an opinion will start viewing and treating sysmeds the same way they treat transphobes, homophobes, racists, sexists and the like.

And yes, this will hurt a bunch of people in the process. I know many are trauma survivors. They're people with friends and families of their own. Some are people who have similar interests to mine. And if they don't change their ways then things won't be good for them.

But the thing you need to know about me is that... I've made my peace with that.

You are dangerous. Period. MUCH more dangerous than the person who doesn’t realize their opponent is also human.

"Seeing your opponents as human is more dangerous than dehumanizing them" is a surprising take to see.

But you know... for once... you're not wrong.

Dehumanization is the primary weapon of anti-endos. And while great to make their followers okay with hurting and harassing people, it also makes them ineffective because they spend most of their time arguing with strawmen and refusing to listen to the actual arguments and positions of their opponents, or acknowledge their experiences.

So I'll give you this one. The fact that I see sysmeds as human lets me see all their little human vulnerabilities other people would miss, and it DOES make me more dangerous.

And I sure hope they remember that.

#syscourse #pro endogenic #pro endo #systempunk #syspunk #trauma mention #tw abuse #abuse mention

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emmy-dekarios-bg3 · 10 months ago

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Heart of the Weave - A Baldurs Gate fanfiction

CHAPTER 19

After our delicious dinner, we put the baby to bed and I decided to head on over to Karlach and Wyll’s house, who luckily only live right down the road from us. No point in summoning Withers in this case, though Gale did beg me to stay home and he goes instead. I told him it won’t take long and I’m bound to come across a devil regardless.

“I won’t be long,” I assure him. “Remember, I still have my powers.”

“Alright, just be careful. Who knows what lurks out in the night? I won’t rest until you make it home. I love you.” I smile as I feel the comfort of his words. He doesn’t underestimate me, and if it weren’t for the fact a devil is watching me, he wouldn’t be as worried.

“I love you too.” I close the door behind me and make my merry way to see my friends, hoping they have some advice – or something – to assist me in the unfortunate circumstance.

The violet night sky in Waterdeep absorbs my attention, the aura of the sunset bringing out various colors that are reflecting within the large pond in the middle of town. There’s also restaurants with tables outside where people are chatting underneath the lights hanging from the roof. Such a lovely and calming sight to see. I am still very skeptical, so I make sure to eyeball every corner to make sure I’m not being spied upon.

After roughly a fifteen minute stroll, I make it to Karlach and Wyll’s mahogany cottage that sits by the docks of the sea. Before I even have the opportunity to knock on the door, Karlach opens it immediately as I approach; it’s as if she knew I’m here.

“Emmy!” Her voice is filled with enthusiasm as her face lights up. “What are you doing here? Please, come inside!” I walk into her cozy home, noticing the fireplace in the livingroom light up the home. It smells of a delicious herbal tea here.

“Hey there, Emmy. I’m sure judging by Karlach’s inability to contain her excitement that we never get visitors,” Wyll chimes in playfully with a smile on his face. “Say, where’s Gale and the little one?”

“He’s at home with the baby, she’s asleep and boy did she need it! I’m really sorry to pop in unexpectedly like this, I hate being that person.”

“Trust me, we’re thrilled that you’re here! Wait, did you and Gale have a fight? What happened?!” Karlach exclaims in a rising panic, which causes me to chuckle. “Pleeeease tell me you’re not divorcing.”

“No, no! Nothing of the sort. We’re stronger than ever before.”

“Then what troubled you, friend?”

“So, you’re both familiar with devil pacts and contracts. Zariel wants me to sell Jenevelle’s soul because it contains such strong strands of the weave and it’s enough to destroy Raphael out of the position as archdevil. In exchange, Jenevelle would be given the gift of immortality. Zariel wouldn’t say what would happen if we didn’t take the deal.” Karlach and Wyll both look frightened, their eyes wide as I spoke the words out loud. They’re trying to process all of the information it seems. Wyll sighs as he stiffens his shoulders.

“I hate to say it, but you need to take the deal. Trust me on this,” he mutters with concern. “Jenevelle would gain an incredible gift. Yes, it sucks she won’t age. It sucks she won’t grow up. However, you would all be free of Raphael and you wouldn’t have to worry about losing her. She’s a baby – so very delicate and fragile.” He has a very valid point. There’s more good than bad when it comes to selling her soul, and although it will be tedious at times, she will be with us and not in the Hells.

“As much as I despise the bitch that’s Zariel, you need to accept the deal. Please, Emmy. Remember when Raphael said that he would make you his ‘Hope’ for eternity? Best to avoid that,” Karlach adds. Her eyes seem to be tearing up, as if she truly believes I won’t take the deal. I realize how correct they both are and sigh heavily, hating the fact Jenevelle has no say in the matter but I’d do anything to make sure she’s not taken from me.

“Thank you both. I’m trying so damn hard to wrap my mind around this. Gale and I…we’ll be selling our souls too, in exchange for immortality.”

“Probably the best choice you could make for Jenevelle’s sake,” Wyll responds. “I am so sorry you got dragged into all of this.” I feel a huge weight taken off my chest as I come to a final decision and seeing the bright side of it all. I smile as I inhale, then exhale the tension that was built up inside me.

“It’s alright. Thank you both. I’ve made the decision. I hope you can both come by soon. Jenevelle misses you I’m sure.”

“Oh, you know damn well I’ll hold that baby any time! Just say the word and I’ll be there.”

I leave their house roughly an hour after the difficult conversation, and as I Head home I try to walk quickly so I can make it home before it’s too dark out. Unfortunately for me, I’m not an elf or any other race that can see in pitch black darkness. Luckily, I’m not far from the tower and I’m sure Gale is worried sick. As I pass the giant, beautiful oaktree that has years of wisdom within it, I notice a raunchy odor – sulphur, maybe?

“What…the hell is that?” I try to ignore it and continue my merry way back home, but then a dark shadow appears in front of me before my very eyes, quickly revealing itself as Zariel. I was hoping she would at least wait until I got home.

“Ah, Mrs. Dekarios. There you are. Time is ticking, my darling. Have you made your choice?” I hesitate and take a deep breath before I give her my answer.

“Yes. I’ll sell her soul for her to gain immortality. Destroy that bastard for good. And one more thing…”

“Oh? A proposition?”

“I request that Gale and I sell our souls for immortality as well.” She smirks but contemplates her next word, and it seems she isn’t against the idea. Besides, more souls for the devils means more power.

“Just so you know, this will completely unbind Gale from Mystra. He will still have his magic of course, but he will no longer be her chosen. His soul will no longer belong to her, just like how yours will no longer belong to your goddess. Would you like to proceed?” I never in a million years thought I would betray my goddess. I didn’t ask for this. I just wish we never got involved with Raphael in the first place, though that would have meant not being able to rescue Orpheus.

“This fucking sucks…but yes.”

“Perfect. Let’s take you home, shall we? Then we can handle the contract.” Before I know it, we appear back at home in the living area where Gale is sitting on the sofa, and he nearly shit his pants when we unexpectedly show up less than two feet away from him.

“Oh Gods! You scared the daylight out of me. Emmy, my love, are you alright?”

“I think so? I don’t know,” I state with mild confusion.

“Let’s get this contract started,” Zariel interrupts, and moves her hands around in an unusual motion, which causes flames to swirl around her wrists and a contract appears right before us.

“Erm…contract?” Gale questions. “Are we doing this?” I stare at the floating contract in front of us, which will change everything once signed. I realize I’ll need to cut the palm of my hand and use my blood to sign it, as will Gale.

“I spoke with Wyll and Karlach. They agreed there’s no other way out unless we wanted our daughter to be a thrall in the Hells. So… Here we are.” Gale sighs and tightly closes his eyes as we give up everything we’ve ever known: our goddess, our graceful aging, and our daughter’s future.

“Okay. Let’s do it.”

I feel the thick crimson blood pour out of my flesh as I carve it open with a silver dagger that was handed to me by Zariel. I fight back the screams as it pierces my skin, pouring out of me like a waterfall. I sign the contract and immediately my wound begins to close shut, healing almost immediately. Gale does the same, and his harsh wound heals just as rapidly. We sign the contract, and Zariel begins to speak a string of infernal words to fully validate the bloody contract.

“You will both become much more powerful than before. Are you prepared to dismiss your goddesses?” Her voice is ominous, haunting my mind as she speaks.

“I don’t crave power like I used to. Not anymore. That’s not the man I am. But… I’m also not Mystra’s plaything. Go ahead.” Gale seems ready to give up mortality and his goddess to my surprise. Part of me feels a certain pain inside as I come to the realization I’m abandoning Sȇlune.

We feel the flames consume us from head to toe, and to the cores of our souls, which travel through each layer of the Hells. A blinding light flashes in my face as my body begins to vibrate with an unfamiliar power. I feel nourished. New. Reborn. I see Gale in front of me, his skin sparkling as the flames around us vanish into dust. His body then fully appears and he appears to be in some state of shock, but in a positive way.

“Welcome to immortality,” Zariel says, a smile on her face that actually seems promising.

#bg3 #baldurs gate 3 #gale dekarios #gale of waterdeep #gale x tav #karlach #dnd #astarion #dungeons and dragons #shadowheart #Wyll #wyll ravengard #wizard of waterdeep #rizzard of waterdeep

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officialmichaelnesmith · 3 months ago

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hi teddy <3 arctic sundogs and franklin for the terror ask game :)

hiii ellie!! :D thank you for the ask!! <3 this got kind of long so answers under the cut

arctic - how would you cope on a victorian ship?

honestly a life at sea sounds equal parts ideal and terrifying to me, so any time not spent staring aimlessly into the ocean would DEF be filled with keeping a very detailed diary … i’d be writing down everything. mate i don’t like made a joke today i actually found funny. disgruntled about this. if i were some doomed explorer and they found my journal hundreds of years later with my remains they would be like my god this guy just never shut the hell up did they. reading and writing both i think is what would distract me the most

sundogs - talk about a moment in the show that interests you most

ohh gosh i could talk about SO many but the first one that comes to mind is hodgson’s papist church monologue in ep9. he’s been on my mind a lot lately and i paid quite close attention to him my recent watch through and he stands out to me more so than some of the other characters because he’s a character who doesn’t speak an incredible amount throughout the series (despite being terror’s certified yapper) but almost everything he says is actually really telling about his character. we learn he plays an instrument at home, in his final scene he speaks some french, and just about every instance in which he talks it’s almost like he’s doing so through a direct window to and from his humanity (asking hickey “who” the meat he offers him is, visibly upset to learn what became of neptune). then we get to this scene that comes after he’s partaken in cannibalism, a scene that (to me at least) seems kind of out of nowhere especially being not directly at the end of the episode, but somehow it still fits in perfectly. we come to the crux of hodgson’s characterization here because he finally gets the chance to speak with no holds barred and he’s very particular with every minute he has to do so. the way he delivers this speech, the slow cadence and tone of his voice and even the subject of it, is just as much for goodsir as it is for himself i think. even when goodsir is pretty much as good as unresponsive he carries on anyway which in and of itself is yet another tell for him. we get an idea of his own sense of self here too (“i was frightened for them. i was told they were doing some great, unforgivable thing” “i felt forgiven of every poor, weak, or selfish thing within my soul” “i pretended to be ill. they knew i was pretending. to this day i don’t know why i did it” “if i were a braver man… i would kill mr. hickey, though it would mean my death, too” and of COURSE “i am hungry and i want to live”) like this is just such a RICH source of characterization for a character we’ve really only seen glimpses of up until this point when it all comes to a head when he gets his own little arc re: his involvement with the mutineers (which is a whole other can of worms i could talk about forever LOL). ntm the monologue itself is just so beautifully written, the delivery is of course on point but the words themselves and the picture they paint are so visceral and moving. sorry for the essay HAHA i’m just very very interested in hodgson as a character and this fleeting moment we have alone with him is just so endlessly compelling to me. especially when you factor in that he’s been steadily consuming lead for years now and has ended up on the wrong side of what remains of their crew but still he takes this moment to be so unashamedly human regardless. anyway ……..

franklin - who’s an underrated character in your opinion?

SILNA. NO QUESTION i do feel obligated to give a cold boy answer as well though in which case i will say dundy. not only is he criminally underrated but also criminally underUSED being that he’s a very close friend to fitzjames from the beginning and is quickly the only remaining lieutenant on erebus i just feel like there’s so much there they could have explored in terms of his and even fitzjames’ characterization were it not for his curse as a minor side character … whatever. i’ll write The Dundy Show if nobody else will

#thank you so much for the asks…#the terror #george hodgson #teddy talks #ask game #answered

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kbirby · 2 years ago

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phantom of the opera rant because I am brain rotting so hard

I recently rewatched phantom of the opera (25th anniversary Royal Albert Hall ver) after years from the last time I saw it, which was in high school and I barely remembered most of the story.

Needless to say, absolutely stunned. The music, the story everything about it. I'm sure it has it's flaws as all things but I absolutely clung to it. Something I've been thinking so much about is the utter wonderfulness of the graveyard scene. The writing, the music and the raw emotion Christine shows in the scene.

It's why I'm also kind of confused as from what I've seen fandom wise, I think the most common perceived interpretation of that scene is that Christine still "wants to fuck the phantom" which I completely do not feel or agree on at all. Or if not that, I hardly see anyone talk about the scene in general, about it's writing intricacies and how vital of a moment it is for Christine.

The scene and song "Wishing You Were Somehow Here Again" takes place directly after "Notes/Twisted Every Way". Where the main cast are fretting over what to do next regarding the phantom and his opera he has given to them. Everything is revolving around Christine, as Erik literally casts her as the lead, and nearly all of his actions are motivated by boosting Christine's career. Carlotta is blaming her and even saying she's doing this on purpose, while Christine is stressing as she does not want this at all. She's TERRIFIED at this point, in the middle of the mess breaking down and screaming that she is frightened. Raoul comforts her, but regardless insists that if they use her as bait essentially they can catch Erik. Christine cannot deal with this stress, and thus runs away.

After their rehearsal of Don Juan Triumphant, the next scene, "Wishing You Were Somehow Here Again", is Christine visiting her Father, and trying to work through her grief. As something I hardly see anyone touch on, which I absolutely adore as a detail, is that Christine is essentially dealing with FRESH grief of the loss of her father.

She is visiting her father as a child would to find guidance for troubling times, and for comfort. Which is already such a gut punch, but she is also singing about her grief as if it is fresh because it IS. The Phantom has been the Angel of Music to her for YEARS at this point. It was not till recently that image was shattered, even if six months have passed you can't simply unpack years of that illusion in that time. The Phantom was how the image of her father lived on in Christine's mind, comforting and guiding her the way she wishes he still could in living.

This is exactly why Christine's performance is so emotional, and why she is so incredibly vulnerable. Not to mention everything else she is currently dealing with in her life. She's involved in a secret engagement that she is hiding from Erik who basically lives in the walls, she is being put in spotlight she does not want out of fear for her life, she is being BLAMED for all of this by a jealous co-star, her lover at this point is telling her "You have to do this".

And this is also why "Wandering Child/Brava Brava" is so much MORE than "Christine still wants to fuck the phantom". There is no denying that in the beginning of the story there is attraction, and even lingering attraction during these moments. The relationship that Christine and Erik share cannot simply be undone in a couple months of his absence.

Erik knows that she is vulnerable in this moment, and in the literal presence of where her father lays to rest comes to her saying "I have come to save you from being misguided, you've suffered for too long."

It's exactly what Christine wants, to be guided and helped. She has come to her father for help in way she knows she will not get it. Rationally she knows that this is not real, but she wants to believe. And I do not doubt that her rationale is most likely also incredibly clouded. After following a disembodied voice for years, I doubt her logic compass is super on par.

The Phantom directly uses words like "fathering gaze" because this is what she is seeking, and welcomes her with the familiar tune of "Angel of Music".

It is a heartbreaking scene of vulnerability, grief and the danger that she faces currently. I adore that during Erik's mantra of "I am your angel of music" Christine is literally entranced, unresponsive to Raoul's cries to snap her out of it until several tries.

I do want to say I do not think of Erik as a horrible villain but it shocks me that no one further touches on the complexities of the writing and the music. I am 100% an Erik apologist but I hardly see anyone recognizing moments like this where he is not the best person. He is doing horrible things, he is taking advantage of Christine and isolating her. Most likely because it's harder to hold onto your faves and recognize their horrible actions and talk about them.

No hate to those that turn their cheek the other way, I just wish I saw more discussions like this. I think it especially adds to the complexity of Erik. Not to mention the most common way I see Erik and Christine paired romantically, Christine is usually pretty out of character because that is the only way you can fit her without recognizing the way the original source material is written.

#kbirby.rants #kbirby.txt #phantom of the opera #poto #poto 25

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blackjackkent · 7 months ago

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Minthara for the character meme!

(Character questions meme)

How I feel about this character

Ahhhh, Minthara! I love her. :D Full disclosure, of course - I haven't yet finished Rakha's run so I don't know everything that happens with her in Act 3. But what I have seen of her in Act 2 so far fascinates me. c:

Minthara has a lot of layers. She's got the capacity for incredible, methodical cruelty and she has survived what sounds like an incredibly harsh upbringing in drow noble society. She's also extremely observant, articulate, and has a very strong sense of her own philosophy and beliefs.

She's also terrified, which I find fascinating. The discussion about Orin in the Act 2 denouement threw me for such a loop. (Props to Emma Gregory for her VA on that speech, as well as whoever animated her Big Sad Wet Eyes, which were at their biggest, saddest, and wettest.) I feel like it's relatively rare to show the Tough Stoic Evil-Coded Warrior so overtly frightened, but she is SCARED of Orin, as well she should be because Orin is terrifying.

IDK I just really enjoy the dichotomies that Minthara has going on and I'm excited to see what happens with her in Act 3.

All the people I ship romantically with this character

I haven't really actively shipped her with anyone at this point but I could see there being potentially interesting dynamics with basically any of the origin characters.

I also gather that she and Orin have some sort of history? Which is obviously a TERRIBLE match for everyone involved, so I don't ship it as like a happy/good/healthy relationship, but I am intrigued to learn about the clusterfuck.

My non-romantic OTP for this character

As I mentioned before, I really like the idea of her and Lae'zel getting kind of a mentorship relationship going on. I'm not entirely sure Minthara would make Lae'zel a better person, but Lae'zel is very young and could benefit from Minthara's comparatively steady approach. And both of them share a fear of insignificance.

Also my standard answer, Karlach, because Karlach should be friends with everyone. Minthara speaks very highly of her right from the beginning, to a greater degree than she does of any other companion; she points out that Karlach lives in the moment and isn't afraid of mortality ("perhaps because she cannot afford to") and compares it positively to her own fear of all becoming dust and bone in the end.

My unpopular opinion about this character

Once again, I'm not quite plugged in enough to know exactly what qualifies as popular/unpopular.

I've seen discussion about the possibility that Larian will reintroduce, in the final major patch, the exclusion between Halsin and Minthara - i.e. that they will retain the ability to recruit Minthara on a good run which was officially added in a previous patch, but you will stop being able to keep both her and Halsin at the same time regardless. And I've seen a lot of arguments about whether that is a good thing or not.

Personally I'm on board with them adding it. I do like that we're able to recruit Minthara without being evil ourselves, but I also think it makes a certain amount of sense that there might be interpersonal fallout from making that decision, given the conditions under which we initially meet her.

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon.

I think Minthara should have the opportunity to comment more on all the nonsense you got up to in Act 1. XD For example when the gith jump you near the road to Baldur's Gate. She wasn't even there for all the creche craziness but she still has to deal with the fallout and I feel like she would have something to say about that. :P

#gothyanki #ask meme #ty for the ask! \o/

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ase-trollplays · 1 year ago

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"Good evening, Florah! A pleasure to see you, as always. Have you come for your weekly garden assistance?"

"Hey, Tantor. I actually took care of that last night."

"Ah, splendid. How was your night of drunken Halloween shenanigating with Uunive? I trust you both had a lovely time."

"Yeah, it was great, actually. We went to a few different bars. ... Including a karaoke bar at the end. I never sing in front of people, but she, uh. She's an awesome hype woman."

"Wonderful, wonderful! Glad to hear you had such a delightful time! I hope this can be the start of you two becoming good friends. No need to be so skittish and scared around her after such a fun bonding experience, hm?"

"Y-yeah, I guess not. Anyways, um, have you seen Helixe? I want to teach it ASL since it doesn't really talk. I brought all the books I used when I was teaching myself, and I have a bunch of videos saved on my palmhusk, so--"

"Oh, how fun! I've honestly had the same idea, and I'm something of a language buff myself, you know. I have fluency in... twenty-five, I believe? I don't keep the best track, though ASL was the second one I learned. If you like, I would be honored to help!"

"Ah, well... I-I guess that's okay."

"You don't sound like it's okay. You sound and look incredibly put off by the idea, in fact."

"N-no, it's not that. I just kinda thought..."

"By all means, if I'm stomping on your toes, let me know. Clearly you don't want me intruding."

"I... yeah, I really don't. I'm sorry. I'm not trying to be rude or mean. I know you want to help, but I'm still trying to figure out a place for myself here with Tuuya's other charges and their quads and friends, you know? After that night with Uunive, I want to try spending time with everyone else instead of being a weird outsider. Helixe feels like an easy starting point, plus I kinda helped create it? So it would be fucked up to avoid spending time with it."

"Yes, yes, of course. By all means, don't let me get in the way. And let me just say that I'm so, so proud of you!"

"Proud of me?"

"Yes, of course! From the night I've met you, you've been like a frightened rabbit scurrying away at the mere idea of putting yourself out there and being perceived. I can't imagine what must have happened to you to cause such a strong trauma response to meeting people-- Or maybe it's not trauma, and you're just like that! Regardless, the fact you're forcing yourself out of your little protective bubble and allowing others to know you is something to be praised! You're doing something wonderful and amazing for yourself, and I just know that everyone else would be proud of you, too."

"I-I, uhh. I guess that makes sense. Thanks."

"You are most welcome, and I'm rooting for you to continue making progress coming out of your shell. I promise we'd all love to meet you if you give us a chance."

"Right. ... So, about Helixe?"

"Hm? Oh right!! I believe it's with Uunive at the moment, probably somewhere in those tunnels that only those two fit in. Stick around long enough, and I'm positive you'll see them."

"Okay. I'll uh, see if there's anything I can help out with until then so I'm not just waiting around like a weirdo."

"Oh hush, you're no more of a weirdo than anyone else in Tuuya's found family. You're certainly more normal than I am. You're at least a troll!"

"... You're. You're not a troll??"

"You didn't know?"

"Wha-- No! How would I??"

"... Huh. I suppose that's a good point. I don't recall telling you, and Tuuya isn't the type to casually throw around personal details about other people. Didn't you think it was weird that my blood tastes so bad?"

"Well, yeah, but I figured-- I don't know what I figured! Are you a swarm, too?"

"Oh no, not at all, but wouldn't it be fascinating if I was? Alas, I'm just an ordinary immortal shapeshifting alien."

"None of that is ordinary!"

"Not from your perspective, I'd wager. I'm guessing you have questions?"

"Yeah, a lot!"

"Well, time is a bottomless resource of mine. At least, tonight it is since I'm not needed at the sanctuary. Fire away! Let the interrogation begin!"

#things to read #long post #Tantor Eligas #Florah Cronoa #I couldn't figure out the details so this is purely dialogue #No title bc I couldn't think of one

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ramon-balaguer · 8 months ago

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Two saying come to mind: The phrase “there but for the grace of GOD go I” is based on an idea in the Bible from 1 Corinthians 15:10 of our sinful nature ever present and He who is without Sin cast the first stone from Jesus in John 8:7-11…The Truth is we ALL fall short of GOD👻 in The Prefect Person of Jesus’ Sinless man, model and mentor for ALL to choose to Follow, Repent and Obey…35 years ago, I was living a double life of a good and faithful son, husband, father, friend, soldier and church going law abiding gainfully employed and entrepreneurial citizen in the light but a Liar, Lawless, Cheater, Embezzling Money Loving and Trafficking ILLEGAL Everything bad hombre in the dark…The internal conflict was real but reality didn’t set in until a fateful day my innocent wife and I where swarmed by Heavily Armed ATF, FBI, CIA, CID, US Marshals, Airport Security, Korean and U.S. Military Police - I felt or sensed as Job said in Job 3:25-26 “that which I’ve feared had come upon me” In other words, the Envied Empire I built is about to crumble from whence it came…my wife quickly fell to her knees in fear of who the criminal by be near us and perhaps get shot in the crossfire and trying desperately to pull me down with her to protect me but I stood my ground fearlessly and with all foreknowledge of what could eventually happen, being caught, not red-handed but caught just the same and let her know while she still held my hand tightly, don’t worry, you’ll be fine because you know nothing, just tell the truth if anyone asks anything…they’re all here for me and I’m honestly sorry but I’ll explain later. Incredibly in what seemed like a two hour drama movie, Annette, unlike me obviously apprehended (on charges from murder to minor stupidity) while law enforcement agencies decided who get to question me first and who gets to keep me, confine me till I'm prosecuted), didn't miss her flight out to California to be reunited with our son and my mom (but she'll have to testify of that frightening experience and the bewildering heartbreaking tearjerking 18 hours torturous flight from Seoul, South Korea 🇰🇷 to Los Angeles, California, USA 🇺🇸).

ALL Sin comes with an associated cost that must be paid here and now in terms of our horizontal relationship regardless of remorse or indifference with mankind and their laws but more importantly with repentance, death, forgiveness and trust in our vertical relationship with The One and Only Ever GOD Before your Die or Jesus Returns. I paid my debt with no intentions of Ever Being that Bad hombre…so No one can hold Anything Against me because I Am Free Indeed…but I said all that to say, let’s pray (Psalm 22:28 Ephesians 4:32 Philippians 4:18-19) for this pastor and my dear friend pastor Tony Evans both admittedly acknowledging and succumbing to past unresolved or unrepentant Sin, they both have to pay for accordingly to Be in Right Standing with GOD and Not start condemning them or worse, condemning the entire Church as it were for their individual failures‼️ 🙏😇🙏✝️🙏

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sarcazious-jimes · 2 years ago

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Memory Blips

2 weeks ago, I had a scare. It was Memorial Day weekend, ironically, and I had several “short term memory blips” while visiting the Englers. I have felt myself “vanish” from conversations on several occasions before and started talking about whatever the original conversation made my brain start thinking about internally. Often met with quizzical looks from strangers and “Oh Gregg” eye rolls from friends and loved ones. I believe this is probably a little bit of a latent defense mechanism from when I was very hard of hearing. I felt alone a lot so I would often go into my own head. There is also... age, long term daily alcohol use, and daily marijuana use. Marijuana use definitely triggers “vanishing” because my creativity becomes almost uncontrollable. My thoughts (usually about what kind of story/song/movie I would make) flash through my brain an incredible rate of speed. If I happen to think of “a good one” and can start to really get going on making something, then reality has the tendency to disappear regardless of what reality I am in. This is why I usually partake at the end of the day when I am alone. I have done so almost every night for the last 3 years or so. This time... weed was not involved. For whatever reason I decided to leave my pen at home this time when we traveled. I don’t know if my reaction was some kind of withdrawal symptom or what, but it frightened me. I didn’t just vanish from the conversation this time. I vanished from reality this time.

We were out to eat on Friday. I had probably had 2 light beers at the house and 2 IPAs at the restaurant. Now, I realize that’s “not nothing,” but, it was stretched out over a time of 3-4 hours. Dinner took forever because they got slammed right when we arrived. The kids were done and bored by the time adult meals were just coming out. My wife suggested that I take the kids home before everyone else left. About 10 more minutes passed, I was able to ask for the check for my family, I paid, and we were ready to go. My wife came with me and I drove her and the 3 kids back to the house. Upon arriving, I opened another light beer and and went to start the fire pit in the backyard. After it ignited, I went upstairs to change into a long sleeve shirt and walked in on my wife changing her clothes.

I had completely forgotten that she drove home with me! I said, “When did you get home?” And a look of concern came over her face. It wasn’t until I saw that she was worried that I was jarred back into “the real reality.” Her suggestion to take the kids home earlier... had been the thought that remained.

There were a couple more noticeable blank outs. On Saturday, I had forgotten that a cat that once lived with me, went to live with my sister and then, on Sunday...once again... I had forgotten that Kimmy and Lou had driven IN MY CAR....WITH ME... to the pool.

Now, I know that “the party” lasts the entire time we are there when we visit the Englers. This was 3 days of almost continuous alcohol use, but this felt “weed related.” I don’t know if I’m right or not, but...

It is now 2 weeks without weed. There is DEFINITELY withdrawal from weed. Nothing bad...but wow...The dreams. Some night sweats too, but mostly the incredibly vivid dreams...several ABOUT weed. I have to say, many of them were entertaining, but wow...

That has now subsided. I think I’ve been snacking less at night too. I think it’s too soon to judge whether the weed was the culprit, but I haven’t had anything like that happen since. I’m still not “sharp” by any stretch of the imagination, but at least there haven’t been any episodes like that since the first 3 days of quitting.

I’ll be very interested to see how things go in Lake Norman next week because I will once again be “out of my routine.” Honestly... Thank God. I’m so absolutely sick of my routine that I truly feel like I need a vacation where I DO things purposely that are not in my normal windows of time and comfort.

I really hope that this is the last time I write about an experience like that and I REALLY hope that as I get older, I don’t ever look back on this entry and realize... The genetics and my behavior are washing me away.

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tessiete · 1 year ago

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First matinee. Just had the 15 min call. Feeling achy and voice quite weak. Frightened about how I'll get through 2 shows in one day. Been dreading this for ages. Now its time, I feel like I've been hit by a car after one show so no idea how I'll feel after 2, or during the second. My voice was really ragged last night as well. I'm going (?) home to try and take it easy this afternoon, but I find that almost impossible once we get started. I have a massage booked between the shows.

That was the 5 min call! Using Ibuprofen gel on my knee and shoulders. Sarah physio watched the show last night, and said I spent the whole performance with my weight on my right leg. So I'll try and be aware of that, as my right side is the one that's most messed up. My intercostal muscles are a mess from pumping out the (voice?). Lower back very sore, not sure why. Need to focus on letting the language do the work and the rhythm carry me along without pushing and forcing too much. Aim for light, deft, driven speaking cementing with needs + objectives. (???)

Tried to transcribe this as much as possible because I am in *love* with what this shows about Michael's process.

TLDR: VERY classically trained

What I mean by that is what's largely indicated in the bottom third of this page.

BUT ALLOW ME TO DO A LITTLE THEATRE NERD ANALYSIS.

Fifteen minute call - This is the last fifteen minutes before the curtain goes up at a performance. This does not include the five minute hold that is also often customary. But with or without that extra five minutes, I find it fascinating that he's writing this close to the start of a performance at all. I imagine it's calming and focusing. It allows him to reiterate and articulate his intentions (which we do see towards the end). Perhaps we could extrapolate that by addressing his worries, his pain, and his fears beforehand, he is able to excise them from interfering with his focus during the show.

Regardless, I'm impressed he's writing this close to the start anyway. Usually, I save my fifteen minute call for panicking about my hair, or doing silly rituals with my castmates, or rereading my lines like this last minute recap will do *anything* to help.

AND THEN we see he's still writing at the FIVE MINUTE CALL!

Five minute call - Usually, this is places for actors, but as this is Hamlet, he has a whole scene before he enters. You know...now that I think of it, this explains the writing as well. It's not actually that close for him. Probably a good 5-10 minutes.

He seems to dwell on his physical pain - this is interesting not because I don't think it's incredible he's pushing through it, but because, well, he is an actor and one thing actors do is "Use it". I know so many people who have gone through ridiculous things and their first thought is "This is going to be so good for my acting." Heck, I got hit by a car and I'm not gonna lie -- the thought passed through my mind almost at the same speed as the car!

That said, it could also be soothing and meditative. A sort of "better out than in" sort of thing. Either way, I find it fascinating that it's such a physical and most especially an external thing.

He's not using substitution (thank you, Uta!) despite lower-down referencing other acting techniques. And he's not writing from a more internal perspective in a way that would make me think he's trying to get himself into Hamlet's mindset. This reads as being very much detached from performance. This reads very much as Michael exorcising his own fear.

I think the externality of it in context with the proximity to performance is what strikes me most.

Need to focus on letting the language do the work - This, more than anything, tells me he's classically trained. This is, verbatim, the mantra of every conservatory programme, every professor or practitioner of Shakespeare, every student of the art. Let the text do the work. And while it may not be a groundbreaking approach, even to a layman, the way it's worded, the prominence it takes in his closing thoughts really reiterate his education and technique. Really cool.

Aim for light, deft, driven - Some Laban here, perhaps? An acting technique meant to ascribe movement, weight, and speed to the performance of text. There are eight basic efforts, and I don't know anyone who uses them in their pure forms. I think "light" could be akin to "float," "deft" to "dab," and "driven" to "punch".

Do I think this is as specific a use of technique as his idiomatic "let the text do the work?" No. But I think this is the professional and practical implementation of a technique into a larger scope of practice.

Needs + objectives - The actor's bread and butter. The actor's biggest (probably most widely used) and most fundamental technique is the application of objectives (as well as needs, obstacles, stakes, and tactics) to a text. This is most effective in pursuit of psychological realism (debatable application to a text like Shakespeare BUT the main pursuit of modern acting).

Clear objectives is almost always the cornerstone to trained actors, and definitely the cornerstone to modern performance education. If you have nothing else, you have your objectives. You come into first rehearsal with your objectives. It's about understanding the text, understanding the character, and having a perspective on your approach that allows for clarity of intent. This makes you more believable because, in real life, we are almost always clear on our intent (even if you can't articulate it). On stage, you need to articulate it. You need to understand why the character is doing what they're doing in order for you to pursue it with the earnestness of intention required.

If you have actionable objectives (ie. a goal that cues your scene partner to reply) then you become easy for the audience to understand and easy for your castmates to respond back to with their own clear objectives. If you are clear then spontaneity can live in listening to your partner, and security can lie in your technique.

The Illustration - not reeeally gonna try to psychoanalyse that illustration. It's pretty frightening. I know his Hamlet took place in an asylum, so it could be inspired by that.

Hamlet, as a play, is very much preoccupied with intense observation. Often by hidden figures. This could play into that.

Or, you know, when you're in the stage lights looking out at the audience, you can't really see faces. It's dark, but you know there are eyes there, watching you. This could be what Michael sees. Whatever it may say about that.

ANYWAY, sorry to hijack this post but I've never seen this diary before and I am so thirsty to get my greedy little hands on documents just like this. I'm obsessed with finding the paperwork of actors, obsessed with looking at their technique, obsessed with wringing any little instruction I can from those so far above me!

help!

https://mobile.twitter.com/AmaiaMontero322/status/1044351072461094912/photo/4

is that his journal?!

————————————————-

I would assume so but I’m sure someone will correct me if I’m wrong. idk if you can make out the passage at all (I flipped the image so it’s readable) but it’s talking about a theatre performance he did where I guess he’s sore and his knee and back are hurting and someone pointed out he kept his weight shifted the entire performance.

#michael sheen #acting #performance #hamlet

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someonesblog1555 · 2 years ago

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MOST INTENSE SYNASTRY ASPECTS:

Mars opposite Pluto: This aspect isn’t talked about much because it tends to be somewhat rare. The best way to describe it is a taboo and magnetizing attraction to one another. One partner may be very intimidated by the other. In my personal relationship I have found the Pluto partner to be the obsessive one, while the mars partner tends to rebel against Pluto’s controlling nature. The sexual connection here isn’t over exaggerated. Sex is a power play. Sex is a mode of control and manipulation from both sides. This aspect can also breed vengeance. The Pluto partner desperately wants to possess the mars partner, and in doing so can become aggressive, and needlessly cruel to the mars partner. Overall this relationship includes dramatic displays of affection, and an overall taboo vibe to the entire relationship. The best way to describe this relationship is the famous quote “all is fair in love and war” because when this aspect is present the partners will do whatever it takes to win. Regardless of who gets caught in the middle.

Mars/Venus conjunct Lilith: From the very start the attraction here can feel as magnetizing as it is frightening. It can create an intense and raw connection between two people. Although there is clearly darkness creeping into the intimate moments together. With this aspect you may question if this relationship is right. You feel so drawn to each other, yet there is a repulsion that you can’t quite put your finger on. A relationship filled with intense stares, and indescribable tension. It’s the unbelievable sex that’s followed by a horrible gut feeling afterwards. Its giving into your temptation even though you know it’s wrong. This person, although they may be attractive, just irks you. Not in the way that would make you grossed out, but something deeper. Nonetheless, the sexual connection is incredible. It’s the type that keeps both partners coming back for more even after countless betrayals, and no matter how many people have been hurt. For some reason you can never shake the thought and this person, and they can never shake the thought of you.

Moon conjunct Lilith: This emotional connection. The type they write about in movies. The type you write home about. I see the darkest parts of myself reflected back to me when I am with you. You probably know this person better than they know themselves. You probably see their motives long before they can even recognize them. This bond is intuitive. It’s deep. A lot of time can pass, but when you reunite it feels as if you just saw each other days ago. It’s home as a person. You know each other. Too well. You know what they think, and what they feel, but since Lilith is involved things quickly get complicated. Both the moon and Lilith person have an extreme emotional attachment to one another. So much so that they can never truly close the book on their relationship. It’s always a farewell, but never a forever. With this connection. You always come back together. There is no final goodbye.

Venus trine Neptune: “I see stars in your eyes.” Was poetry written by Venus-Neptune people? Or was it written for them? Probably a mix of both. When these two planets meet in Synastry it feels as though actual magic is present within the relationship. It might as well be a perfectly written novel. There are tragedies. Passion. An overwhelming love for one another, and just an overall ethereal vibe to the entire relationship especially in the beginning. If you had any dreams or hopes for what love would be, then Venus trine Neptune would make those dreams a reality. In fact it would probably exceed your expectations for what love could be. Still this aspect signifies delusion. It also tells of an unconditional love. No matter what your partner does. You still love them. And the same is applied vice versa. Almost nothing could make you despise this person, you will always see the good in them.

#lilith astrology #lilith synastry #venus synastry #mars synastry #mars Pluto aspects #mars aspects #moon conjunct mars #mars astrology #venus aspects #venus astrology #astrology observations #mars #venus signs #Pluto #synastry #synastry aspects #best synastry #astrology

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emmy-dekarios-bg3 · 3 months ago

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Heart of the Weave- chapter 19

“I won’t be long,” I assure him. “Remember, I still have my powers.”

“I love you too.” I close the door behind me and make my merry way to see my friends, hoping they have some advice – or something – to assist me in the unfortunate circumstance.

“Emmy!” Her voice is filled with enthusiasm as her face lights up. “What are you doing here? Please, come inside!” I walk into her cozy home, noticing the fireplace in the living room light up the home. It smells of a delicious herbal tea here.

“He’s at home with the baby, she’s asleep and boy did she need it! I’m really sorry to pop in unexpectedly like this, I hate being that person.”

“No, no! Nothing of the sort. We’re stronger than ever before.”

“Then what troubled you, friend?”

“Thank you both. I’m trying so damn hard to wrap my mind around this. Gale and I…we’ll be selling our souls too, in exchange for immortality.”

“Probably the best choice you could make for Jenevelle’s sake,” Wyll responds. “I am so sorry you got dragged into all of this.” I feel a huge weight taken off my chest as I come to a final decision and see the bright side of it all. I smile as I inhale, then exhale the tension that was built up inside me.

“It’s alright. Thank you both. I’ve made the decision. I hope you can both come by soon. Jenevelle misses you I’m sure.”

“Oh, you know damn well I’ll hold that baby any time! Just say the word and I’ll be there.”

I leave their house roughly an hour after the difficult conversation, and as I Head home I try to walk quickly so I can make it home before it’s too dark out. Unfortunately for me, I’m not an elf or any other race that can see in pitch black darkness. Luckily, I’m not far from the tower and I’m sure Gale is worried sick. As I pass the giant, beautiful oak tree that has years of wisdom within it, I notice a raunchy odor – sulfur, maybe?

“Ah, Mrs. Dekarios. There you are. Time is ticking, my darling. Have you made your choice?” I hesitate and take a deep breath before I give her my answer.

“Yes. I’ll sell her soul for her to gain immortality. Destroy that bastard for good. And one more thing…”

“Oh? A proposition?”

“This fucking sucks…but yes.”

“Oh Gods! You scared the daylight out of me. Emmy, my love, are you alright?”

“I think so? I don’t know,” I state with mild confusion.

“Let’s get this contract started,” Zariel interrupts, and moves her hands around in an unusual motion, which causes flames to swirl around her wrists and a contract appears right before us.

“Okay. Let’s do it.”

“You will both become much more powerful than before. Are you prepared to dismiss your goddesses?” Her voice is ominous, haunting my mind as she speaks.

“Welcome to immortality,” Zariel growls yet with a smile on her face that actually seems promising.

#bg3 #baldurs gate 3 #gale dekarios #gale of waterdeep #gale x tav #ao3 #archive of our own #wizard of waterdeep

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ppersonna · 4 years ago

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out of my league - knj | 01

you were out of my league. got my heartbeat racing. if i die, don't wake me, cause you are more than just a dream - out of my league, fitz and the tantrums

✹ summary- Kim Namjoon was never supposed to find out about your years-long hopeless crush on him. And he most definitely was not supposed to find out about it in front of all your coworkers in a company-wide meeting.

✹ rating- explicit/18+/nsfw

✹ pairing- kim namjoon x reader

✹ word count- 6.6k

✹ genre- angst, smut, comedy

✹ chapter warnings- swearing, descriptions of sex, sexual content, namjoon being a sexy flirt, jungkook being a himbo, awkward conversations, jimin being a protective bff

✹ a/n- hello and welcome to this fic thats lived in my google docs for almost a year now. without @ladyartemesia @xjoonchildx @untaemedqueen and @chimoona, i would never have posted it. i truly owe so much of my brainstorming and creativity to their incredible brains and thoughts and ideas. i love them very much! i hope you enjoy this first chapter! please feel free to message me, talk to me abt anything!! im always here to chat. ILY!

MASTERLIST

Kim Namjoon was never supposed to find out this way.

You planned to confess your undying, unerring love for your coworker at a better time, a classier place. You would wear a dress that highlighted your features, hair cascading down your back, makeup done to perfection and spritzed with expensive perfume. You’d confess, he’d confess right back, and you’d live happily ever after.

You’d also dreamt that Kim Namjoon would have the slightest inkling of who you are before he finds out about your year long crush. He might know you as the mousy girl in the office who doesn’t talk and doesn’t contribute much other than some crunched numbers and apparently the best coffee brewer in the office. But you’d prefer he knows you well—your favorite colors and movies and foods, what makes you happy and sad; things future husbands should know.

You very much did not think it would happen in a company wide conference, full of over five hundred suit-wearing executives. You did not think it would be done by the office bully, Chungha, who carefully takes over the mic and speaks the words clearly as she presents awards of recognition.

“Congratulations to Kim Namjoon for 5 years with the company, over $4 million in revenue, and the object of ____’s lust and affection. I’m sure you two will have the happy life she’s written in her journal about. Make sure you celebrate with her today!”

The room is silent, so silent you could have heard a pin drop from a mile away. Your face is cherry red and you wish the earth would open up and swallow you whole. Your heart feels like someone has ripped it in half and you stare in horror at the girl smirking at the front. Is this what it feels like to be backstabbed? Namjoon looks perplexed—confusion written on his face as he gestures around to no one in particular like he’s saying ‘what the fuck was that?’

Awkward coughing and clapping begins and Namjoon stands to receive his award, a fine wooden fountain pen, and chances a glance around the room. He easily spots you, with your wide, frightened face. His look remains passive, not hinting what he’s thinking behind those stormy eyes, before he turns and sits back down at the table with his buddies from his department.

You seriously contemplate quitting your job. You could find a new one easily, right? Just stand up and tell your boss you quit and you’re out of there before Namjoon ever sees you again and you’ll never have to face the mean girl who’s ratting you out.

As much as the idea rolls through your head, you know you won’t do it. You love your job, love the security and finances it provides you, and you love to look at Kim Namjoon, all day every day.

You don’t understand where things went wrong.

( one month ago )

It’s 9:03 am. You finish brewing the coffee in the small staff kitchen and sigh at the aroma of the freshly ground beans. Coffee is your favorite meal, favorite time of day, favorite snack, and preferred beverage. You drink it constantly. You’re known as “coffee girl” at work, mostly because no one really bothers to get to know you beyond that. You drink coffee like it’s a devoted religion. You could drink a cup right before bed and still sleep like a baby. It was, put simply, your drink.

The office workers deem you to be the one to make the pots of coffee every morning, claiming you were the ‘best’. You didn’t mind—you preferred to make your own coffee regardless—but you believe your coworkers are trying to pass off the twenty-minute job to someone lower in the office hierarchy. And you were one step above the interns.

The coffee machine chimes to let you know it’s hot, and it’s ready for you. You eagerly pour a mug, a large one, and smile as the waft of freshly ground beans (by you, of course) fills your senses.

You nearly knock the cup out of your hand as Kim Namjoon strolls into the office, eyes set on the coffee.

You feel your throat swell up, like he’s an allergen and you’re caught without an epi-pen. Butterflies swirl in your stomach and you can’t stop staring at him. He pays you no mind, tired yet determined to pour a cup of coffee and get back to his office.

You stand in the small kitchen, clutching your coffee like a lifeline, and pray to god you don’t do something stupid.

Namjoon pours his mug, and you watch his muscular hands grip the coffee pot. He pours a hefty amount of cream and sugar into his cup—it appears even perfect male specimens have their faults.

Your eyes dance on his face before they tango down his body. You wonder what he looks like in the morning, crawling out of bed with mussed hair and a sleepy smile painted on his face. He’d look at you and tell you you’re the most beautiful girl and kiss you deeply despite morning breath. Maybe he’d take you to the shower to press you against the tile as he fuc-

“Oh!” it startles Namjoon to see you, and the coffee in his hand swishes violently. “Didn’t see you there. Sorry!”

Your heart melts. He’s the picture of kindness and politeness. You recognize it’s been a few seconds and you still haven’t replied.

“It’s fine!”

“Great coffee, by the way,” he smiles. His teeth nearly knock you out cold with their brilliance. “Have a good day.”

He turns and exits the room without so much as a glance back at you. Your knees feel weak.

Kim Namjoon talked to you. He complimented you. He told you to have a good day. It’s the best and most significant conversation you’ve had with your secret crush.

You definitely file that away for another day when you need to reminisce on his compliment, and you scurry out of the kitchen towards your desk.

Park Jimin is waiting dutifully at your desk when you arrive, a smug smile still slapped over your features as you sip at your coffee. Namjoon spoke to you today—how lovely.

Jimin quirks an eyebrow.

“What’s got you so perky this morning?”

You’re normally quiet and passive, avoiding eye contact or any semblance of emotion on your face.

You look up at the blonde bespectacled boy. Park Jimin is the closest thing to a best friend in the company. He’s who you spend time with at lunch, see on weekends, and text often. You suppose he’s the closest thing to a best friend you have in your entire life.

You send him a smirk and lean in close to whisper. “Namjoon said hi to me today!”

Jimin sends you a pitiful look and pats your shoulder. Your best friend is well aware of your secret crush and while he thinks Namjoon is a nice guy, he thinks your crush is a little hopeless. He’s the most popular guy in the office, often has dates lined up every weekend. Jimin hears the way he and his friends talk in the break room. The man is definitely not hurting for female attention.

“Oh, honey,” he sighs, unenthusiastically. “That’s great.” He can’t help but feel a twinge of sadness over how excited you’re getting from a simple ‘hello’ from a coworker.

“I know, right? Anyway, lunch today?” You ask as you settle down into your cubicle.

Jimin pushes his glasses up his face and nods. “Of course! That’s why I came by this morning. I wanted to let you know that Jungkook from marketing will join us.”

You make a face, disgust etched in the lines creasing your forehead.

“Why?”

Jungkook is well known in the company. He’s a loudmouth, a player, a clown, and everyone’s favorite comedian. He’s just not your favorite.

“Don’t be rude,” Jimin admonishes at your grimace. “He asked to join and well—he’s cute. I can’t say no to him.”

“Oh Christ, Jimin,” you groan. “Not you too! Don’t tell me you have the hots for the serial fuckboy?”

He blushes lightly and shrugs. “Maybe I do! Be nice to him today or I’ll eat all your chocolate ice cream I know you have at home.”

You stick your tongue out, petulantly. “Fine, now let me get to work or else Seokjin will be up my ass.”

Jimin smiles and kisses your cheek before he scurries away, back to human resources.

It feels as if barely any time has passed. You’re working hard, running calculations and updating spreadsheets. You have an eye for numbers, and losing yourself in an equation is just another day for you. You’re shaken from your cheerful place by a vibration from your phone, and a text alert popping on the lit screen.

jimin 12:01 pm- it’s lunchtime!! you better get your butt out here!

You smile and text back an affirmative reply, then move to grab your lunch from the company fridge. Gliding down the steps leading to the fresh outdoors, you meet Jimin at the lunch tables in the grass.

Jimin is sitting with Jungkook. You can recognize your best friend by his hair and glasses, and Jungkook by his obnoxious laughter.

“Hi,” you murmur as you sit down and open up the brown bag lunch you’ve brought.

“Hi!” Jimin is excited to see you, and just a pinch over eager to be sitting next to Jungkook.

“You know Jungkook, right?” Jimin asks, a harsh look in his eyes that reminds you to be on your best behavior.

You nod as you pull out a bag of grapes. “Oh, yeah, hey,” you smile. “I’ve seen you around.”

Jungkook delivers you a signature smirk and you feel yourself roll your eyes internally. “Yeah, you’re Coffee Girl, right?”

You pout and glare down at your brown bag lunch. Will you ever become more than just Coffee Girl?

“Yeah, I suppose that’s me.”

Jimin clears his throat to dismiss any awkwardness.

“So, Jungkook, I hear you like working out? ___ likes to work out too. She drags me to the gym sometimes. Maybe we could all meet up sometime?” You don’t miss the hopeful lilt in his voice. Jungkook does.

“Oh, yeah?” He narrows a sexy look at you, rather—a look he thinks is sexy that you find off-putting. “What do you do at the gym? Little cardio sets with 5 pound weights?”

What an asshole.

“Sometimes,” you state as you take a bite of the homemade salad you handcrafted last night. “Most of the time I’m lifting heavy. I can bench 275 and deadlift 300.”

Jungkook looks taken back. “What, really?” He sounds breathless. “You lift more than Namjoon-hyung.”

At the sound of the love of your life’s name, you pause. Your face heats quickly and Jungkook smirks. Of course, he recognizes this and not Jimin’s obvious flirting.

“Why are you blushing?” He asks. “Did I say something?”

You’re quick to dismiss things. “Um--no. I just um,” you’re grasping at straws. “I’m hot.”

Jimin is trying not to laugh, hiding his mouth behind a petite hand.

Jungkook tilts his head. “It’s not even sunny today.”

You gulp. “Yeah, I must be hot. With a fever. M-malaria… probably.”

Jungkook snorts.

“You have malaria? Bummer.” He picks at his nails. “I thought for a moment you had a thing for Namjoon.”

“No!” The retort is quick, too quick for normal conversation, and it gives you away.

“Aha!” Jungkook points an accusing finger at you. “You have the hots for him, don’t you?”

Your features melt, and Jimin tries to assuage the situation. “Jungkook, please don’t tell anyone,” he pleads.

Jungkook smiles at you. “That’s so cute. It’s like a little nerdy freshman crushing on the senior class president.”

You bury your head in your hands, suddenly unable to stomach any food.

“Jungkook,” Jimin’s tone becomes more firm, authoritative. “I’m asking you this as a friend. Please, don’t say anything.”

Jungkook holds his hands up to prove his innocence and waves his proverbial white flag.

“Secret is safe with me,” he promises. “But it’s cute. I know him really well, you know. I could try to hook you two up.”

You blanch, unsure if you want Jungkook saying anything about you to the man of your dreams.

“I’m good, but thanks,” you offer meekly. “I’m not feeling well. I’m going to head back to work, okay?”

Jimin frowns, knowing you’re feeling like a cornered animal, and nods. “Feel better, babe,” he sighs.

Jungkook watches as you leave and turns to Jimin. “Man, he’s way out of her league.”

Jimin slaps the boy in the chest. “Be nice, asshole, that’s my best friend.”

Jungkook promises to be nice, and Jimin is blissfully unaware that others are listening and that the man beside him is easy to persuade.

( present day )

The company-wide meeting adjourns soon after what is likely to be the most embarrassing moment you’ve ever lived through.

You’re grabbing at your things and trying to run out of the room, desperate to get out before anyone sees you or talks to you or laughs at you.

A hand grabs at the coattails of your suit jacket and you’re pulled backwards with a yelp. You turn to seek your captor and find the concerned face of your best friend, Jimin.

“Are you okay? What the fuck just happened?”

Jimin’s concern makes it all real. Until now you could pretend you were in a fugue state, totally dissociated from reality. Now, you realize that everyone in the entire company is aware of your crush on Kim Namjoon.

You can feel your bottom lip wobble, tears threatening to spill. Jimin murmurs an ‘oh shit’ and drags you out of the large room and into the nearest bathroom. He pushes you to sit against the sink and passes you toilet paper to dab at your eyes.

“I don’t know how she found out!” you cry. “God, I feel so stupid and embarrassed.”

It incenses Jimin. He’s holding it back to ensure you’re okay, but in reality, it’s an HR nightmare waiting to happen. He’ll find who did it and punish them accordingly.

They will suffer.

“It’s okay, babe,” he pulls you into a hug. “Everyone will forget about it soon. They’ll think it’s just a lame office joke, okay?”

You nod, feeling the slightest bit comforted by his words.

“How could she find out, Jiminie?” You ask with a sniffle. “You’re the only person who knows.”

Jimin sighs and shakes his head.

“I don’t know, but they’re dead. I haven’t told any-... oh, my god,” Jimin stops suddenly. You look up at him to catch what he’s thinking.

He growls and balls his fists.

“Jungkook knew.”

You let out a sob and bawl your eyes out into the tissue you’re holding. Jimin holds you tighter while he conjures up a hundred different ways to hurt someone and make it look like an accident.

“Don’t worry,” Jimin sighs, trying to comfort both you and himself. “I’m HR. I have to handle this. I’ll make sure they get what they deserve.”

You feel a sting of pain for Jimin. He’s been hopelessly doting on the man who spilled the beans for a few months now, even got to take him on a few dates. It was still nothing serious, but Jimin was clearly smitten.

“I’m sorry you have to do that, Chim,” you whisper. “I know how you feel about him.”

“Yeah, well,” he swallows thickly. “You’re more important than any asshole.”

Jimin holds you tight for a few minutes longer, before you clean yourself up and steel yourself. Ignore everyone, Jimin encourages. Just get to work, he says. Then you can go home and we’ll drink wine and forget about it all, he promises.

You replay his words in his head like a prayer as you walk down the corridors and towards your office. Everyone in the hallways stops to stare at you. They lean towards their friends and whisper. You hear snippets of their gossip, like “Namjoon” and “out of her league”. It drives the sharp blade lodged in your chest even further. It threatens to collapse your lungs and break your ribs.

You make it to your desk safe and sound and bury yourself in work and forcibly ignore the gawking and the stares.

Just make it home. Just get through the day. You’re almost there.

You could do this.

You nearly make it the entire day before running into the one person you didn’t want to see, Kim Namjoon.

At the end of the day, you’re taking the stairs down to the parking garage instead of the elevator. The elevator is too busy, too many people, and you’re trying to avoid the stares and giggles at your expense. The stairs are always deserted and you figure it’s your safest bet.

You can nearly hear the wine calling your name at home. A delicate glass of Sauvignon Blanc and some chocolate ice cream and a good cry—it sounds like the best and only way to unwind after the worst day you’ve ever had in your life.

The chanting of your name gets louder and you wonder if you’ve finally lost your mind—if you’re actually hearing your wine bottles all the way at home talking to you.

No, wait. The voice is real, and coming from behind you. You turn around to face who’s calling you and nearly faint at the sight.

Kim Namjoon stands on the landing above you, one strip of stairs between you.

“Hey!” He seems glad he’s caught you. “I’ve been calling your name for a minute.”

You swallow and search for an answer.

“Sorry, I’m-.. I guess I’m just a little out of it today.”

Namjoon grimaces.

“Yeah, about that…” he begins as he takes the steps down to be on equal ground as you. Your heart is spinning wildly. He’s so close to you. He’s talking to you. On any other day you’d be erupting towards the sky like a firework. But today isn’t any other day.

“I feel like I should apologize,” he states. “I don’t know what happened. I didn’t plan it or anything.”

Damn him and his kindness. Damn him and his cute, awkward smile.

“No, no,” you assure. “I know you didn’t. You don’t have to apologize.”

It’s hard to make eye contact with the man. You want to, know it’s important in intense conversations like this, but the thought of him seeing you—really seeing you makes you ache inside.

“It was a really shitty prank,” he begins. “I’m sure you don’t even know who I am, let alone have a crush on me.”

For the millionth time that day, your face heats to a near boil. You stammer and you’re sure you’ve blown any chance at even thinking about a date with Namjoon.

“Oh, uh, right,” you seek an answer, beg your brain to pick something to say that doesn’t make you sound stupid. “I do.”

“You do what?” He’s confused and you widen your eyes at what just left your mouth.

“I do know you! I mean, I do have a crush on you! Oh, fuck,” you shove your face into your hands. “Please, ignore that. I need to go. Sorry!” You don’t give him a chance to reply, you book it out of the stairway as fast as your heels will take you.

Today was the worst day you’ve suffered through in your life.

The next few days aren’t much better.

Not only are you “coffee girl”, you’re now also sarcastically called “Namjoon’s girl”. As much as you hate your initial title, you’d prefer it to the new one they throw at you as you walk by.

Jimin rats out Jungkook and Chungha to the bosses. They get two weeks probation and they have to write you apology letters if they wish to keep their permanent files clean of any reprimands. It’s a slap on the wrist, and everyone involved knows it. Jimin is furious and wants the boss to reconsider. You tell him not to push it. You’d rather this be over and everyone to forget it even happened. Jimin unwillingly agrees.

You’re working at your desk, earphones shoved in your ears to diffuse the gossip in the room, when you feel a tap on your shoulder. You turn and are greeted with the face of Judas Iscariot himself, Jeon Jungkook.

“Hi,” he sounds sheepish, cheeks reddening.

You narrow your eyes at him, sharper than steel. “What the fuck do you want?”

He winces, knowing he deserved that. “Well, I just wanted to apologize. I know they told me to write you a letter, but it seems too impersonal…”.

You can’t believe Jungkook is sucking his ego up and actually coming to you to apologize. You thought he’d for sure be the one to cop out and send a shitty letter.

He continues.

“I just wanted to let you know that I’m sorry that all went down. I didn’t mean to tell her. She got me drunk and said she saw me eating lunch with you and Jimin. I think she was jealous or something and it slipped out. I know that’s not an excuse. I fucked up your trust and Jimin’s trust. But I just wanted you to know I didn’t do it to be an asshole. She sort of duped me.”

You pause as you take in the man’s apology. He didn’t have to come to you in person. He could have easily taken the shitty route and half-assed a letter to you. But he didn't, and he owned up to his mistake. God dammit.

“I appreciate your apology, Jungkook,” you sigh and you see his body visibly relax. “I’m still mad, but I guess the anger is at her for doing it in the first place. I’m sorry she tricked you.”

He breathes a sigh of relief and kneels down beside you. “I’m really happy you believe me. I was worried you were going to kick me in the nuts.

“I won’t lie, I thought about it.”

He smiles with you, and you feel like this is the restart of a friendship. “I definitely deserved it.”

You shrug and smile. “Jimin would kill me for hurting you. He might even kill me for thinking about hurting you.”

Jungkook’s smile drops at the name of your best friend. Yikes. Looks like there’s still trouble in paradise.

“I think you’d be in similar company with Jimin right now. He’s not speaking to me.”

You let out a breath through your nose. “Yeah, he’s a little protective of me.”

“For good reason,” he admits. “You’re like a cute little flower. A cute nerdy flower.”

“Jungkook,” you warn. “I just forgave you after I was humiliated in front of the entire company. I’d be careful with calling me nerdy right now.”

“Fuck, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it in a bad way.”

It’s hard to stay mad at the boy, no matter how much you dislike his reputation around the office. The fact that he humbled himself enough to seek you out and apologize is proof enough to you of his character.

“It’s okay, Jungkook. I forgive you,” you smile. “Thank you for apologizing.”

He rubs the back of his neck anxiously as his cheeks flare red.

“Yeah, it felt pretty shitty to just… do anything else. Plus, you seem really cool.”

“You seem great, too, Jungkook.”

He smiles and pulls you in for a hug, catching you off guard. For the fuckboy type, he’s surprisingly sensitive and soft. You like that about him.

“I’ll see you around, okay?” He says as he pulls away from you.

“Maybe you should apologize to Jimin, too?”

His smile drops, but he nods anyway. “Yeah, maybe I’ll go find him now.”

“Good luck,” you offer with a pat on his shoulder.

With a sad smile, he turns and heads down the hallway towards the HR department. You pray Jimin shows mercy to the handsome boy.

A few weeks go by, and you’re sure that everyone has forgotten about you and your most embarrassing moment to date. You make the coffee, you calculate the numbers, everyone ignores you. Things return to relative normalcy.

Until it doesn't. The moment you think you're safe is the moment your guard comes down and everything falls apart around you.

It's when you're in the staff kitchen, grinding fresh beans to brew a second pot of coffee, that it happens.

The kitchen is fuller than usual. You normally try to wait until the lunchtime crowd dwindles and leaves to make your second pot, but you're so desperate for the caffeine that you can't find it in you to care.

You trudge into the kitchen with your handy coffee mug clutched in your tired hands and head towards the cupboards to grind up the beans.

There's a few groups of coworkers lingering in the room, and as your grinder whirs the beans around into a powder, you chance a look around to see who's among the crowd.

Your eyes flick immediately to where a hearty laugh erupts. It makes your heart still in your throat. Namjoon sits with his usual crowd of friends, hand gripping a homemade sandwich while the other assists him in telling his story to his friends. He pays you no mind—why would he?—and you can't help but stare at the way his dark brown hair lays perfectly against his forehead, and his eyes crinkle so cutely at the edges when he smiles.

You nearly forget about the coffee grounds—you're snapped out of your Namjoon-induced trance when suddenly a woman's laugh echoes around the room.

"Look at her," the voice states.

You peer up and see a girl you vaguely recognize. Is she from Marketing? Or perhaps Sales? You’re not sure, but she’s staring at you with a sneer.

“She’s so weirdly obsessed with Namjoon. It’s so creepy.”

Your face turns cherry red and you’re sure your lungs stop functioning. The air your body needs to breathe freezes and your chest aches.

Namjoon turns to look at the girl before he looks and sees you grasping your coffee grounds tightly.

“Chungha was right—it’s so weird. Namjoon, you should talk to HR about this!”

Namjoon turns back to the gossiping coworker and frowns. “Can you leave it alone? She wasn’t even doing anything.”

The girl huffs and crosses her arms over her chest and looks back at Namjoon.

“How can you stand to be in the same room as her? She clearly thinks she has a chance with you.”

Her words come out like a bite. She punctuates her point with a harsh laugh and the group around her mumbles and chuckles in agreement.

You’re desperately grabbing at anything you can, wanting to leave as quickly as possible before you’re embarrassed further.

“Well, she does!” Namjoon replies loudly, annoyance written in his features. “I was actually going to ask her to dinner this weekend in private, but since everyone is so fucking interested in my love life, I have to do it publicly.”

The room falls silent, and your favorite mug falls out from your hands and shatters on the floor. All sets of eyes stare at you while yours widen with disbelief—you don't even care that you’re standing in a pool of old coffee and shattered ceramic.

Namjoon stands and heads over to you, bending down to pick up the shards of your coffee mug. You take a few stunted breaths to kneel and help.

His eyes peer into yours. They’re warm—a chocolate brown color that makes you feel safe.

“What do you say?” He asks with a smile so gentle it nearly breaks your heart. “Will you let me take you out this weekend?”

You’re gaping like a fish and the surrounding room is silent—bated breath waiting for your reply.

“Yes, I would l-love that.”

His smile turns even brighter, and he stands to throw the broken mug away.

“I’ll email you the details, okay?”

Your head nods dumbly without thinking. His eyes sparkle as he smiles at you, and he extends his hand down to you to assist you off the floor. As your hand slips into his, you can’t help but feel how soft and strong he feels. You wonder what his hand would feel like caressing your face, smoothing down the expanse of your bare back, running down the length of your body.

The thoughts shake out of you as he winks and kisses your hand gently, causing the gossiping coworker to grunt her disapproval and for murmurs of shock to echo around the room.

“I’ll talk to you later, doll.” Namjoon winks at you before he grabs his sandwich and leaves the room, gesturing to his crew to follow along.

The place on your hand felt warm where his lips once lingered. You no longer cared about the angry glares from the rest of your coworkers. Your heart beats wildly in your chest, and you leave the kitchen nearly floating on cloud nine.

Email from: Kim Namjoon

Sent: 3:06 pm

Subject: Hey good lookin ;)

Hey!

Just wanted to see how you are! I’m sorry about what happened at lunchtime. That was super petty and uncalled for. I really wanted to ask you out, and I hope I didn’t embarrass you too much by doing it in front of everyone.

I was wondering if you’d like to go out this Friday night after work? Say around 7? If you send me your address, I’ll pick you up.

Let me know!

Xoxo, Joon

You’re sure if you weren’t sitting in your tiny cubicle, you’d be screaming your lungs out.

The second the notification of the email came through, direct from the man of your desires himself, your body froze.

You re-read the message, over and over and over.

The winky emoji, the xoxo, the nickname ‘joon’. It’s all so much and makes the grin on your face threaten to split your lips in half.

Your fingers press the “FWD” button and you quickly send the message to Jimin, before you stand demurely, attempting to give off an air of professional confidence. You need to talk to Jimin, now.

As soon as you’re out of the eyesight of suspicious coworkers, you bolt down the hallway towards Human Resources. Your high heels click loudly on the tiled floor, but the sound doesn’t even register in your mind. All you can think about is Namjoon, the email, the press of his lips on your hand, the way his smile made you feel as if you could fly.

The door to HR swings open with your tight grip around the doorknob, and you open your mouth to call to Jimin, the lone employee, when you’re startled by the sight ahead of you.

Jimin sits on the edge of his expansive desk with his arms thrown around Jungkook’s neck and is clearly engaged in a deep, sensual kiss. At the sound of the door opening, they quickly break apart, with matching cherry red blushes on their cheeks and mused hair.

“Oh, shit,” you gasp.

The men are silent and you can’t help but giggle after a moment passes. “I’ll take it you two made up?”

Jungkook flashes you a dopey grin, one that gives you an answer, while Jimin smirks haughtily.

“Jungkook and I were just discussing, umm… his 401k.”

Jungkook looks at the blonde boy for a moment, confused, before he gets it. “Yeah! Totally. Retirement. Love to t-talk about it?”

You laugh out loud and walk towards the couple.

“I’m sure it was a titillating discussion,” you tease. “I have good news though, if it’s okay to interrupt this retirement planning session.”

Jimin nods and Jungkook rubs at the back of his neck awkwardly. “I guess I should leave?”

“It’s okay,” you smile. “I trust you.”

Jungkook smiles as if he’s just won the lottery. He looks between you and Jimin, face pure and excited like a puppy.

“What’s up?” Jimin asks as he moves to sit down at his desk.

“I forwarded you an email. Read it.”

Jimin nods and logs on to his posh computer, scrolling and clicking before narrowing his eyes and reading.

“Oh, my god.” Jimin’s face is shocked—it's written all over his features. “Namjoon asked you out?!”

Jungkook’s child-like grin turns into one of shock himself. He runs around to stand behind Jimin, eyes seeking over the words of the email.

“Well, hot damn,” Jungkook whistles. “He asked her out.”

Jimin exchanges a look with Jungkook, one that you’re not sure you can read. It quickly slips your mind, however, as you’re more focused on the task at hand.

“Can you come over tonight after work and help me pick out something to wear?” You ask excitedly.

Jimin smiles at you, a touch of sadness in his eyes, before he nods.

“Of course, babe,” he assures. “We’ll make sure you look nice and hot for the date with Mr. Kim.”

“Thank you!” You squeal as you wrap your arms around your best friend. He hugs you back before you scurry out of the office and back to your cubicle, itching to reply to the message.

Jimin sighs as the door to his office closes behind you.

“Kook, please don’t tell me he’s going to break her heart. He’s asking her out to make himself feel better about this, isn’t he?”

Jungkook slips his hand into Jimin’s and squeezes.

“I’ll find out, baby.”

Jimin smiles and nods appreciatively at the boy, before leaning up and kissing him.

Jungkook smiles against his lips, and is determined to ensure the young HR specialist never hates him again, even if he has to go behind his hyung’s back to ensure his new boyfriend’s happiness.

Jungkook has one mission now, and that’s ensuring Namjoon takes you on the greatest date known to man.

He grills Jimin with questions about what you like over dinner one night. Jimin finds it endearing that Jungkook is so eager to rectify his mistakes, but he still can’t help but worry that Namjoon is doing this to save face—not because he actually likes you.

“So, what does she like doing?” Jungkook asks as he spins his pasta around his chopsticks idly.

Jimin smiles as he takes a bite of the ramen Jungkook has thoughtfully prepared for their stay-at-home date.

“I’ve told you already! She’s easy to figure out.” Jimin pats Jungkook’s hand gently. “She loves cooking and baking, working out, daydreaming about Namjoon.”

“Cooking, hm,” Jungkook looks thoughtful as he takes a bite. “I think Namjoon can work with that. I’ll let him know!”

Jimin tries to hide the anxiety brewing in his stomach. He’s had to plaster on a fake smile for you while you tried on different outfits, wondering which will be the one to finally convince Namjoon he is the one for you. It’s hard to fake it around his boyfriend, too—but something tugs in his stomach that flares the cynical side of him.

Namjoon went from not knowing of your existence, to watching you get publicly embarrassed in a matter of minutes. While Namjoon isn’t a terrible guy, Jimin knows he doesn’t like anything to tarnish the gentleman reputation he’s built in the office. And as much as Jimin likes him, and surely likes his friend Jungkook, he can’t help but feel skeptical.

Jungkook hurriedly pulls out his phone and types away, letting his elder friend know of what he’s found out. Jimin swallows his food, and his pride, and hopes to god his growing cynicism is wrong.

Friday comes slower than you’d like. You wake up every day during the week, one day closer, and your eagerness hits peak levels. Namjoon sees you in the hallways during the week and winks at you, hands shoved in his tight slacks that make you salivate.

He emails you again Thursday afternoon, confirming things and getting your address. You reply in nanoseconds, uncaring how overeager you come off.

By the time your alarm clock rings on Friday morning, you’ve already been awake for 4 hours.

All you can do is daydream about the date, the way his hand fits into yours, the warmth of his eyes when he smiles at you.

It’s what fuels you through work.

You hope to god the numbers you’re attempting to work during the day come out right, because your mind is elsewhere for more than most of the day. There isn’t enough coffee in the world, but also your body feels as if you’ve overdosed on caffeine already.

The clock eeks towards 5:00 pm and you’re bolting out the door at 4:56 to head home and get ready for your date.

Jimin attempts to meet you before you leave, but your desk is cold and empty by the time he gets there.

He sighs and heads back towards his office to gather his things, waving bye to various coworkers as they file out of the corporate building.

He turns the corner towards his office but stops in his tracks as he sees Namjoon’s back to him, phone pressed to his ear.

“Baby, I’ll come over later tonight, okay?” Namjoon speaks into the phone.

Jimin feels his heart fall into the pit of his stomach. He retreats and hides behind a wall, ear carefully peeled to listen to the tall man’s conversation.

“I’m going on this date with that chick from work,” he sighs. “It won’t last more than a few hours. Poor girl has a crush on me and you know the usual assholes won’t leave her alone.”

Jimin bites his lip and clenches his fist. Namjoon thinks he means well, but he knows his suspicions have been confirmed, and he’s torn inside. He wants to tell you, to warn you not to get too invested in the man, but he also has no interest in popping the bubble you’ve been in since the day he asked you out.

Jimin lets it simmer for now. He decides he’ll monitor Namjoon and cut things off if it appears the man strings you along for fun.

Namjoon finishes his phone call with a promise to see whoever is on the other end of the phone later that night, and Jimin quickly pulls out his phone and fakes a conversation with no one when he hears the man approach.

“Oh, Kookie,” Jimin giggles, leaning against the wall casually. “I can’t wait to see you tonight, either, babe.”

Namjoon walks towards Jimin and makes eye contact with the HR specialist.

“Bye, Kook! See you tonight, baby.” Jimin finishes up the fake phone call as Namjoon arrives next to him, and he plasters on his best fake smile.

“Congrats on you and Jungkook,” he speaks sincerely.

Jimin hates how nice he is, hates that he’s a nice guy who gets too wrapped up in his own good looks and reputation.

“Thanks, Namjoon,” Jimin smiles uneasily. “You too! Have fun on your date tonight.”

Namjoon’s face lights up and Jimin desperately wishes he could go back in time to 30 seconds ago, before he heard the conversation, and believe that Namjoon truly wanted to date you.

“Thanks, should be fun, huh?” He winks and nudges Jimin, before he waves a goodbye and continues out the door.

Jimin pulls his phone out of his pocket and dials the number of his boyfriend.

“Hey, baby. We’ve got a problem.”

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