#i am so so upset i cant even explain lmao

[pessimisticprincess]

/

[lovecrazedpup]

when my friend is at work so i cant cry in call with him !

[coffeeghoulie]

PLEASE GIVE US DRAG TALK CONTENT

I’m going to post the ten pictures tumblr will allow and then go on a huge ramble under a read more bc goddamn i think this was the best weekend of my life.

Also, fuck tumblr bc I had this whole thing written out (on my phone, nonetheless) and it went poof up in smoke gone. Motherfucker.

I wore jutty’s own shirt to the first night bc I thought I was being funny. He walked past me and a few of my friends after the show, one of whom, Celine, runs the dt discord, and had gift bags for everyone in the band with trinkets from people who made things, myself included. She caught his attention and gave him the bags to distribute, and I was just shaking bc holy shit he just brushed past me in a crowded lounge and my hands were starting to shake (I was surprisingly okay during the show) I got his attention and gave him the bracelet I made for him that said "jutty taylor cyber bully" and he lit up when he I gave it to him and he smiled so fucking big when he noticed what shirt I was wearing.

He told me that he was happy the shirts were "getting new lives" but it still pained him to part with them lmao. I thanked him and explained that it was a "birthday gift" for myself; he did the fundraiser on my actual birthday. As soon as I said that, he pulled me into a side hug and I hit Celine with the biggest "deer in headlights about to be run over please send help" panicked expression lmao. He then proceeded to use my shoulder as an arm rest while he talked with Celine. I normally have an issue with people doing that to me, but I've said "anything for you, mr taylor" and I fucking mean it

I got a picture with him later and bc we were out of the cramped, loud bar, I was able to apologize about rambling in his twitter dms about losing my contact lenses and freaking out over the shirt potentially being lost. I did also get to tell him my name (he knows my legal name for shipping purposes) and told him that I didn't tell him that it was Dot earlier bc my parents and I share a po box and they don't know who Dot is. He turned to me and looked me in the eye and told me that he was very glad the shirt got to me.

When we took the picture, I swear to god, I could feel his stubble against my forehead where he leaned his head against mine and part of me will be on that street corner forever tbh. It's my phone lockscreen and I usually don't like looking at myself but holy fuck its proof it happened

I watched him smoke after the show both nights and ohhhhhhhhhh my god. It is now proven that I can in fact Behave In Public. It was an Ordeal. (you can't blame me, he threw his head back to blow smoke and furrowed his brow in concentration when he lit up. YOU CANT BLAME ME)

I did some touristy shit before the second show and impulsively bought jutty a novelty gift shop shirt to give to him afterwards. I watched him unfold it and just laugh when he saw the design. He thanked me up and down bc he actually needed a shirt and immediately left the group of people waiting to talk to him to put it somewhere he wouldn't lose it.

I am being dead fucking serious rn. I'm pretty much only on tumblr and discord. If a picture of jutty in a dark blue shirt with dinosaur skeletons on it surfaces somewhere online. DO NOT FUCKING TELL OR SHOW ME. I WILL ACTUALLY PHYSICALLY PASS AWAY. I GENUINELY MEAN IT.

Jutty was so nice and gave me a real hug after the second show when my uber was pulling up and I asked kind of quietly for one. He thanked me for coming pretty much in my ear and I just as politely and quickly as I could shoved my face into his collar and took a deep fucking breath and thanked him for everything. (i was also a lil distraught it was over and genuinely needed the hug tbh. i cried in the uber bc i was upset and also bc I was afraid I was being pushy again but I think I was just exhausted, if he didn't want to give me a hug he wouldn't have)

I cannot. CANNOT. even begin to explain how good jutty smells. He smells so fucking good. I think the dt twitter has said what cologne he uses, but once I assess the damage I just did to my bank account with this trip, I will be buying it.

I was able to give Hayden his bracelet after the first show, and he was super sweet and super animated when he talks and he got a little closer to my level (I am v short and it was very loud in that bar). I gave him a condensed version of my airport hell and that this one show had been worth it all, never mind tomorrow's; he seemed surprised people would fly out somewhere they've never been just to see the band. (He was reminded by a friend of mine that Australians flew out for the LA show lmao) But Hayden was super nice and so smiley, I wish I could have watched him play more at the second show but the stage was so small that Ross and the bassist who filled in for Eliot (whose name I'm drawing a blank on rn sorry 😭) stood right in front of him. He put his bracelet on the moment I gave it to him and I stood there shaking like "he likes itttttttt." WAIT SHIT I FORGOT TO SEE IF HE PLAYED WITH SHOES ON OR NOT. FUCK.

The band hung out at a sports bar after the first show, so me and a couple people hung out with Neil and he's super nice and so funny and showed us a peek at the yeti taylor merch that just dropped. He also stuck his head into the Vietnamese place next to the second venue and went "oops wrong door" lol

I didn't get much of a chance to talk to Ross or Matty, but Matty helped me get merch and Ross gave me a high five at the second show. Next time, mark my words, I will have a conversation or two with them, they were both so sweet.

I'm really glad I got to meet everyone who came, too. I got to meet a bunch of people I'd been talking to for months online and we were fucking troopers in line, dealing with the fuckass weather. Worth every second spent in soaked shoes imo. But it was so much fun and I still have to unpack but I am cherishing every little trinket I got.

I was incredibly nervous about being in a city I'd never been to alone, but I would do this trip again in a fucking HEARTBEAT. (i also said something along the lines of "pspspsps mr taylor could you please consider Chicago for next time mayhaps??? 👀👀👀 So Dot doesn't have to deal with flight cancelations and layovers and delays and midnight arrival times????" and he threw his head back and laughed and told me that Chicago is his kind of city so 🤞🤞🤞🤞🤞🤞🤞🤞🤞)

[bitchyblkqueer]

As someone who follows Jeremy Adams' press, it's clear that he was bothered and upset by the number of people saying Hal was being a creepy weirdo to Carol in the first few issues of GL 2023. even the older white male fans were like, "this is uncomfortable".

it's one of Many Many things that's made me doubt the competency of DC editorial (understatement of the century i know). Someone should have clocked this in the scripting phase. and I'm disappointed with the overall storyline in the comic. it looks like they're leaving behind the "Hal adjusting to life on earth" idea AND the psychology of Hal creating kilowog with his ring. DC has also famously fired more than half of their editors in the last 5-6 years.

but back to Adams - it must be difficult for him to receive that feedback, especially since he's said he behaved similarly with women he's dated. no one likes being misunderstood, and they definitely don't want to hear that they've acted like a creepy weirdo.

which explains the OOC Barry dialogue in GL 2023 #4. it's a sorry sight.

as readers, we're supposed to think, "If Barry Allen is saying it, of course it's okay!!"

fwiw i am all for a "you're single until you're married" mentality, but Barry definitely would not be lmao. and i cant even get into how gross this is towards Carol. what about what she wants?? barry is a lot of things, but he's consistently not misogynistic.

sidenote - you are not writing hal & barry well if they're not coming off as more than a little in love with each other. hal needs to randomly say the most romantic thing you've ever read or else it's not a successful team-up. and adams co-wrote that lego flash movie where barry keeps a photo of him and hal on his nightstand. so now we all know to thank the other guy i guess

i would have been all for adams bringing back a more silver age hal, which i thought was the intention. but leave the sexism where it's at. bring back more silly scifi plots or hal getting knocked out or ITTY!

and if for some reason you intended for hal to act like a misogynist, it could have been interesting to watch him deal with the changing social customs since he's been off-world for so many years. but i doubt anyone working on the comic would be able to give that storyline the depth it deserves. anyway

[merlions]

Ok so Can I Just Ask rhetorically into the air (unless someone has an answer lol I would not say no if anyone offers insight here, im just not specifically asking for it cause i dont know for sure an answer even exists i guess) but when everyone tells u to "feel your feelings" likeee....then what?

Like I keep getting the advice esp in recovery that I gotta "feel my feelings" and "recognize your feelings" but then when I'm like ok. Im doing it. I'm having a panic attack and throwing up from guilt and shame. What do I do about that. And they're like "oh no just feel them!!!"

(Also "shame is bad but guilt is constructive" OKAY. SO JUST feel DIFFERENT feelings? Than the ones I have. Hrrrghhh)

Like I feel like I missed some regular human memo here like there's supposed to be something I Know what to do but I don't know what it is.

Tbh it's the same feeling I get when people keep telling me to like believe in spirituality things or else I won't be able to stay sober. I keep being like so...how do I do that? Like how does it matter to me if there's a god, if also there's literally no guarantee that god won't do something terrible for some "greater purpose" and i cant change that? Like you want me to feel safety from that? All this bad stuff was planned by someone? How does that make it feel less bad? (What sort of sicko- )(sorry lmao I didn't realize I had anger issues w god til I was told I have to actually believe in one)

I keep asking people to describe to me what exactly it means to believe in something spiritual, to them, as if I am a human being who was born blind and never seen color, and they need to describe why some colors are "happy". Or like i'm an alien who has never eaten food and you gotta explain how something can taste "salty". I know that's not the best metaphor and is kinda appropriative of other disabilities that I don't have, but I just mean like can someone try to get SORT OF creative with trying to put this in context for me??? Cause just saying "just do it!!" absolutely does nothing for me! It doesn't make sense. Teaching a human being how to fly by saying "just move your body through the air to where you want to go". Honey. I do not know how. And I cannot learn how via this method. It is not going to work no matter how many times you say it. You are going to have to try something else.

Anyways some shit happened that's ultimately fine and I know WHY I'm having bad feelings and it's not a resolvable situation really, the thing has happened and it can't un-happen, and like I know I'm getting angry cause I'm embarrassed and upset w myself, and that they're not at fault and ultimately it is really truly for the best and actually makes my life better in the long run and I was nice about it and so were they. But like...I'm still angry and sad and embarrassed. Knowing why I feel bad doesn't make me not feel bad, it just makes me angrier with myself for not being able to control it.

And I don't want to feel it cause it hurts and there's nothing I know how to do about that besides drink. Which I am not gonna do, to be clear, but I think is understandable in a recovery space, that we are all alcoholics cause we never learned to deal w feelings any other way. All the advice from my counselor and sponsor and everyone these past 9 months of recovery has mostly just been "try to identify your feelings and feel them". Like I do literally nothing but hyperfixate and ruminate on feelings if im not numbing them and trauma splitting...if I'm not supposed to numb them out I'm Just Going To Need A Bit More Information. Yknow?

[isekai-crow]

Doctor Elise Ep. 5

| Ep 1 | Ep 2 | Ep 3-4 |

Nuuuuuu I'm finally caught up with Doctor Elise.... My potato chips....

This was a very fun (Mary Sue (positive)) Girl Boss episode, with Elise taking proud ownership of what she did despite being disbelieved, and keeping things professional between her and her patient.

This Prince y'all. He don't know shit about romance. He's never had the inclination to even bother with romance before, and watching his little baby-deer-leg-like attempts is very very cute. It's very fun to be watching this and the BL/yaoi Cherry Magic at the same time because man they are two sides of the same coin in playing with tropes and dealing with power imbalance in romance.

THIS show could be a yaoi if it WASN'T A COWARD.

I am enjoying this show SO MUCH because I (am old) enjoyed watching Dr. House, Scrubs, Grey's Anatomy, and the autopsy/sciencey bits in CSI:LV and NCIS (with Abby!)

Capybara is enjoying this because he is a connoisseur of well researched fanfiction, with Sick Fic being one of his main staples. He has learned to recognize certain illnesses because some of his favorite authors do a shit ton of research on what to do to their whumpees darlings, and those well researched stories don't go with boring reasons for why certain symptoms are appearing, but more realistic diagnostics.

He was very excited at guessing what was wrong with each patient in these episode and it was fun to watch him get excited about it.

Spoilers Under the Cut

Elise defending and explaining her report about the Splenectomy was funny because... her hand writing was such an issue, but despite all the little hearts and the poor writing that is OBVIOUSLY not Dr. Graham, they still have trouble believing it's hers until she can walk them through the report.

MORE HAND WAVING WITH THE "I turned this surgery over and over in my head" (more like she already did a successful one with the Dead Mom Hair lady) Its just barely believable, but it marks her as a literal genius, and actually makes for a good story if she WAS an actual medical genius.

HMM I WONDER WHY THE TEST IS GOING TO BE HARDER THIS YEAR??? Fuck all the other students, we wanna make this lady fail so she can be queen! But she has 3 doctor reccs to be able to take the medical exam!

And another doctor immediately tries to steal her with NO consideration for the Head of the Hospital and Head of Surgery being RIGHT THERE IN THE ROOM WITH THEM. No subtly this man, which makes sense if he CANT EVEN RECOGNIZE ONE OF HIS REGULAR PATIENTS!!!! FAILURE.

This No-Thoughts-Head-Empty Just Having A Good Time face is so funny to me.

Then we get some more reminiscent of the backstory, and I'm okay with this being a little Mary Sue -ish type tragic backstory cause she kinda deserved it, admits she deserved it, and is trying to make amends (because she wasn't THAT evil of a villainess, just an ignorant and spoiled rich kid).

But the Prince finally admitted something was wrong with himself and goes to the clinic to get himself checked out by Elise/Rose while he is in his Ron disguise. He finds her pulling ivy off the buildings, and MAN the initial angle on this made it look like she was two stories up (so I started chanting fall, fall, fall so that you can get caught).

but no, she's on a fucking step stool lmao.

We DO get a classic "Staring at each other from across the way as the wind blows and their eyes meet and they have Thoughts."

She then proceeds to diagnose him and Capybara started chanting "Hyper thyroidism? Hyperthyroidism." as each symptom and question is answered

and dammit he was RIGHT!!!

AND OH. I WAS WRONG. YES. GOOD.

THIS SHOW IS A YAOI AND ELISE IS THE SEME.

LOOK AT THIS BLUSHING MESS OF AN UKE. She's taking your PULSE, sir, not your CLOTHES OFF.

And he keeps coming back for more lmao. And is SO UPSET when the two months are up. But is probably like HELL YES I GET TO MARRY THIS LADY. maybe. the thought probably hasn't occured to him actually now that I think about it...

Until he goes to her BROTHER for advice on what to get her, and despite being the grumpy big bro IS SO ACCURATE IN HIS ADVICE. But the Prince thinks he knows best (with ZERO experience, like, what did you even ask him for then?) and gets her a shiny thing instead and fails.

It's all worth it though cause Babygirlboy prince smiles in the end!

R E W A R D GET

I want more potato chips. Please let next week come soon so I can have more potato chips anime. Please.

[rivangel]

Real question, but ignore if it's bothersome or makes you feel uncomfortable or too personal.

Would Levi date/love you in real life or even in canon world? Like with how you have such a strong way of understanding him so fucking well I honestly LOVE how you interpret him as he would be in different situations, you know this answer best.

Again, if this makes you upset or uncomfortable to think about please ignore! I'm just a curious person.

thisss post is p personal so if you dont care about me as a person dont read😭 /gen

(I’m asexual so definitely not in real life. even if i didn’t know who Levi was and he was just There, iiii wouldn’t feel any attraction, or at least not nearly as much as with him being fictional. idrk how to explain it)

putting aside all the reasons i wouldn’t survive the canon world (💀), iiii really don’t know? i cant decide? mostly because of the personality disorder so i really can’t tell u what i’m like :| i get obsessed when someone tells me i’m actually really intimidating or funny for examples bc i didn’t know. or shy, bookish, excitable etc etc idk about any of it.

but enough about psychology. i used to be a really clingy person who couldn’t be by myself basically ever lmao, but i’m the exact opposite now. Levi would notttt like a clingy partner, or someone who needs him in order to stand on their own. he’s fiercely independent, and so he would need someone who’s his equal in that regard. yeah that’s me

i kind of kin levi💀 all the shitload of abandonment issues and trauma? check. will sooner eat glass than ask for help? check check. cant read social cues, all the emotional expression around others of a brick wall (unless i’m masking)? check check check.

and i feel like Levi would get along with someone who has experienced to some extent his kind of pain. in other words someone bubbly but especially innocent in any regard is not someone he’d get along with romantically. (so i pass that one.)

i’m kind of an intellectual too? you don’t necessarily need to be smart, but you should function a lot on logic and being inquisitive or introspective. same as him. so me.

Levi would have trouble with someone who lives with their heart on their sleeve or lets emotions guide all their choices. he’s badddd at emotions, wouldn’t be able to return that energy and wouldn’t know what to do with it all. he’d get overwhelmed. iiii don’t know which one i am sooooo… undecided.

seeing how Levi is so awkward and aloof as a person, he’d want to be around someone who’s notttt like that with their close friends / people they love. same reason Levi especially gets along with people like Furlan and Isabel, Erwin, and Hange. all extroverts in varying ways. i’m extremely fucking awkward but with ppl close to me i’m definitely more of a Hange or Isabel type💀 so that’s good at least. as Levi’s partner, being very reserved, defensive or shy wouldn’t go anywhere.

also similar to Levi, i stuff down basically all my emotions until i pretty much explode. i don’t really know how to decipher my feelings or what they mean. i don’t think that’s a significant factor to having chemistry with him, but it’s worth mentioning. about Doing Emotions, Levi doesn’t seek out support with his emotions, and in fact he wouldn’t want that. he would prefer your feelings for each other, and the things you each do to protect, comfort, or be there for each other understood. his partner doesn’t need to be the same as him, but it’s good they understand that. we'd be very comfortable with each other in that regard.

also same as Levi, i just avoid everything that upsets me in the moment, and can be immature or petty at signs of conflict. Levi is an extremely mature person, but he isn’t someone who’s emotionally intelligent, and he’s a sensitive character. thus his first instincts when there’s been a misunderstanding or he feels a sense of one of his biggest fears - abandonment - he can’t bring himself to reveal that vulnerability, so he either deflects, gets petty, pulls away, or all three. taking that into account alone, me and Levi would be a disaster to say the least lmao. he needs someone who encourages him to confront the issue one way or another.

i’m not sure if i’m more calm or hotheaded, but i have insane anxiety and the worst anger issues ever. maybe that would fall into the category of “feral-ness” like Hange has to an extent. Hange is also an intelligent and logical character (i mean they’re a fucking scientist), which i relate to so i think i pass that. maybe.

i can stay calm in a fast-paced urgent situation. also important not just if i want to survive in the aot world (i wouldn't anyway probably), but that's important to Levi. alongside strength (in the broad definition).

so my conclusion: OBJECTIVELY yeah.... maybe... if i live that long. but also we have a lot to learn about communication and getting over our own ingrained self-hatred/perceived worthlessness/fear of intimacy etc etc. Hange can be our couples therapist lollll

[crowning-art]

TGCF SPOILERS

--------------------------------------

THEY TURNED INTO A FREAKING SWORD?!?? THIS IS SO FUNNY TO ME I CANT TAKE THIS SERIOUSLY OH MY GOD THIS IS SO FUNNY

THIS IS BASICALLY THEM LMAO I CANT STOP LAUGHING

I never thought I would EVER use a transformers gif for TGCF of all things 😂

Stop Qi Ying is a literal puppy it's so adorable

Yin Yu had already snuck behind someone’s back to hide, but he was instantly picked out by Quan Yizhen. He jumped up and shouted, “SHIXIONG!”

Of all the reactions...this guy's reaction to hualian kissing is smt else lmao

Pei Ming: “Ho ho.”

Ok Santa Claus

AND THEN THIS MESS OF A CONVO OH MY GOD AND Qi Ying like ohhh that's how u borrow powers and everyone's like ok, who's gonna tell him?

Xie Lian accidentally choked a bit and only then did he break away. He didn't dare to look down, and shouted towards the sky, “B BORROWING SPIRITUAL POWERS! I’M ONLY BORROWING SPIRITUAL POWERS! VERY PROPER!”

Mu Qing was shaken too. “YOU DIDN’T NEED TO DO THIS TO BORROW SPIRITUAL POWERS THOUGH??? JUST A SLAP OR A SMACK OR SOMETHING WOULD’VE BEEN FINE???”

Xie Lian didn’t know what he was saying anymore, either, and cried randomly, “HAHAHAHA! I’VE BEEN SEEN THROUGH! IT’S NOT ACTUALLY BORROWING ANY SPIRITUAL POWERS! HAHAHAHA…”

FINALLY! JUN WU TOOK SO LONG TO COME DJJDJDJF but hey he's here to save the day!!

This was so poetic and like metaphorical but I'll explain that metaphor some other day lol

After Xie Lian stopped controlling it, that giant stone divine statue was still obediently lying on the ground, a gigantic, exquisitely-sculpted thing. Now that it’d fallen down, it also looked like a small mountain.

Imagine being Qi Ying and waking up and finding yourself in this random demonic place, and then u knock out, and you're a doll and you knock put and suddenly u r being forced into being a sword lmaoo

However, Quan Yizhen was confused. “Why am I going to the west? Just what exactly are we doing right now?”

No one could blame him for not knowing what was going on. Perhaps, he was confused the entire way: Why was he beaten? Why was he buried inside a wall? Why was he turned into a daruma doll? And why did he have to turn into a sword, too? There was not a single point where he’d figured out what was happening.

I CALLED IT AGAIN!!! (I think! I'm pretty sure I did...somewhere) but Goushi was so suspicious I KNEW IT

If Guoshi truly lived in this world for longer than Jun Wu, then the possibility he was one of the Four Guardians of the Crown Prince of Wuyong was even greater!

AYYYY HEAVEN'S EYE IS BACK! Love those funky losers lol

Wait, oh my God wait no oh my God no this has got be a joke, like my heart acc cracked PLEASE TELL ME THIS IS JUST A JOKE that poor beggar with his limbs cut off....was wind Master? Our beloved wind Master???? I literally feel like crying my heart is breaking so much

DID HE XUAN REALLY HAVE TO DO ALL THAT??? WAS THIS REALLY WHAT BROUGHT HIM SATISFACTION AHDUDJDJD UGHHHH IM SO PISSED AND SAD AND UPSET AND ANGRY AND EVERYTHING

My poor beloved wind master....

I am so sad 😔

[t4t-apexeclipse]

now that im not so secretive about my. um. life? let me overshare :,) cos i feel like i should explain what’s been going on with me. and why im like this. and. also im just desperate for someone to reach out to. idk. try and help in some way? idk how anyone could help but it feels like im screaming into the void and no one can hear me. or no one’s listening. one of the two

under the cut cos i think im gonna yap lmao

tw: drug talk, system alter “death”, mild vent, i think that’s it?

the person that started this blog and the person currently running this blog are not the same. y’all may know im part of a plural system, but you dont know that “cosmo” (real name sasha) as an alter no longer exists. i don’t know if we fused or if he just went dormant and i took over, but either way im a different host alter. sasha is basically dead. my name is oz

so i’ve been dealing with becoming the pilot for this meat suit and figuring out who i am, cos i spent so long thinking i was sasha that idk who oz really is yet. basically im going through an identity crisis but on another level :,)

the reason i didn’t realize the switch happened is likely because of all the weed. we got high every damn night for months. so all the weed in our veins most likely affected us in such a way that we couldnt tell you who was fronting when during that time. we’ve been weed-free since august 6 (our birthday) (omg a week clean!!!) and i hope the worst is behind us. we’ve been irritable as hell, in massive amounts of pain, and the depression has started to get to us. today hasn’t been as bad, so fingers crossed that it’s smooth sailing from here 🤞🏻

i still miss getting high tho :/

it just feels like. sasha did all this shit and then bailed. i know that’s not what happened, he didn’t mean to make things so difficult, she didn’t even mean to leave, im just so. upset. and a little scared. because i dont know how to be a person, and of COURSE i cant get in touch with anyone in the system rn cos of this mental block so i feel like im alone in this

i feel bad for being mad at sasha cos i know it didn’t want this, i just. why did things have to go this way.

i just want things to be okay again

hhhhh sorry for all this. i’ve just got a lot going on that i need to vent about or ill lose my sanity 🙃

[fallenrain40]

I feel like compared to a lot of diabetics, I do have an okay relationship with food but I have SO many thoughts about this so I'm gonna talk about it !!! I've thought about the relationship with how I eat and my diabetes for so long now. I really wish it was talked about more. It's such a difficult thing to explain to people that yeah, being diabetic makes it so that eating for me is. weird. it can't just be simple. i can't just go get my food and eat it. if I don't eat at generally the same time every day I feel like I'm gonna die both mentally AND because it could actually make my blood sugar less predictable. And eating low carb things for snacks is stressful for so many reasons. 1, if I do that, I might feel less hungry later and then disrupt the routine I have by having a smaller meal and therefor making me worry that my bg is going to be less predictable. 2, sometimes it?? raises blood sugar anyways?? even though we're told that it doesn't do that. it just freaking does. want to have bacon??? and your blood sugar is normal rn??? well haha if you eat it its probably going to go a little bit higher unless it doesnt but if it doesnt thats probably cause its going low unless its just not doing anything. and then there's foods with higher carbs. yeah I can have them but then thats more carbs which means I have to adjust my dosage of insulin which you'd think could be simple but I ALSO need to take into account how hungry I am and if I'm going to eat less if I have that high-carb food, or if im going to eat more, if im going to eat more that means i'd take more insulin than usual with would then make me worry that its going to do something unexpected. if i eat less, then half or maybe even ALL of my meal will just be taken up by that one high-carb thing and i won't be able to have anything else until my next meal, which probably would make me feel BAD until I get to that next meal. and since its such a big THING to just have a meal. I'll only eat twice a day. I wouldnt miND eating 3 times a day but thats so much... having to figure out what my bg is going to do? and making it a lot less predictable. I eat in the morning and in the evening because those are both times my bg starts to rise. not becuase they are the times I WANT to eat. its because they are the times I NEED to. I almost NEVER wake up hungry. I hate eating in the morning. but i literally HAVE to or else my body is going to throw a fit and go "wtf u need sugar for energy!!! why arent u eating!!! *dumps 125423154265 pounds of sugar into your blood* also I feel like mentioning the fact a lot of people are like "omg sugar bad 1!11!!!!!!!1!!! !!1!" and im just sitting here like..... being diabetic has made me love skittles lmao its forced me to eat them probably way more often than i would if i WASNT diabetic (apple juice too btw) becuase thats literally!!! the only way to treat lows!!! and no lows arent always avoidable becuase GUESS WHAT !!! your body doesn't always react to insulin in the same way and sometimes it can be a lot more sensitive to it than normal!! so taking your normal dosage can still make you go low!! I feel like I had more to write but I already spent way too long on this and my adhd is telling me i have 0 focus left for it so. might add onto this later bhgvfgjbh edit: and not to mention the fact that apparently food labels dont have to be 100% accurate so when something says it has 20 carbs, it could something else! and if you eat several things like that! then you have no idea how much you actually had!! LOW TIME !! (or high time) edit 2: another thing I tend to do is, after i've had my first meal which HAS to be as soon as I wake up (unless i just let myself go high bc im. upset), then I will wait till the end of the day, PAST the point I started to feel hungry, till I feel like i cant go any longer and THEN I will eat. I don't alwayss do this but I do it a lot just cause. I feel like the later I eat the less likely im going to feel hungry right before bed? and also i just dont want to deal with it until it's unavoidable anymore?

guys if i'm being so real. being diabetic IS having an eating disorder. like, there is no way of being diabetic that does not include disordered eating. and that's not even counting the diabetes-specific eating disorders that we have names for, like diabetic bulimia. like i feel like there should be a name for the relationship between the diabetic, the food that they eat, and the body they put it in. but right now we just call it "diabetes" and it's just a washed over part of the process of being alive with this shit

[vakariansmonocle]

wish my brain wouldn't seethe for days on end about shit but also I have no way to vent things bc I don't have a therapist and I don't have a partner who is emotionally available for this shit rn (which is not me upset w/ them it's just a Fact)

like I wish I wasn't sitting here pissed off that I have to continue to defend myself constantly about being sick and being in immense pain or having to explain every fucking detail of my goddamn menstrual cycle to someone who is beyond the base line connection of being my in law, a fucking stranger just so I can have some semblance of understanding and fucking empathy for what's happening

I shouldn't have to constantly defend my fucking existence of being in pain and mental unwellness just because I "don't do enough" or "always have a reason to not do things" all bc someone has a partner that doesn't allow them to rest and expects her to do everything around the house like bro that's not my fucking problem. maybe refuckinevaluate the relationship your husband has with any fucking responsibility around the house beyond a JOB HE LITERALLY BARELY NEEDS TO DO ANYTHING FOR

sorry I spent most of my life pushing through every illness and pain I've ever fucking had to take care of myself and my partner is like hey I can help now and let's me rest, sometimes forces me to rest bc I have ALWAYS pushed through it even if I was puking my guts out even if I could barely breathe like jfc

Ive had to defend myself like this MY WHOLE LIFE bc ppl thought I was exaggerating it

my mom didn't think I was actually as sick as I was until I was barely breathing and begging to go to the doctor and then got mad at me for being so sick despite the doctor being like hey you're very close to pneumonia so if it doesn't ease up with these meds go to the hospital or you'll die

I'm so fucking tired of having to defend and over explain myself for EVERYTHING I do I'm TWENTY EIGHT I WILL BE TWENTY FUCKING NINE IN JUST A FEW MONTHS AND I AM STILL HAVING TO FUCKING DEFEND MY FUCKING EXISTENCE AND WHY I CANT DO SOMETHING AND STILL BEING ACCUSED OF DOING NOTHING EVEN THO I DO SO MUCH THAT I DONT WANT TO DO OR STUFF THAT MAKES ME SICK OR THINGS THROUGH MY PAIN OR ILLNESS

I've been sick for two fucking weeks bc I haven't had a fucking chance to properly rest; I've been so sick I've nearly puked from coughing multiple days. I've been so dizzy I have to sit down and not move. I couldnt walk to the kitchen without having to rest my lungs.

I'm so tired lmao I'm so fucking tired like sorry I exist and I'm chronically ill and have perma damaged lungs and if I'm not in constant pain I wanna fucking die on a good day lmao

every fucking parental figure in my life can choke on a fucking peanut and suck a fuck actually

not doing enough. take it up the ass of your misogynistic fucking husband and your fucking victim guilt tripping fucking complex I'm not your child and fuck your feelings actually

[mushroom-winners-proof]

Are you alive?

much to the surprise of everyone the barrage of asks in my inbox talking about wanting to shag Large Ansem were not so bad they killed me

so yes I’m Still Alive

okay tho??? 😬 Debatable 

[sunsetsover]

i have decided to no longer try to control or maintain my mental health and instead am just going full batshit toxic bitch i hope you’re all excited

[dreaminterlude]

i know that astro isn’t a small group by any means, but sometimes i’m glad that they’re my ult and i get to enjoy them in my corner of the universe without really having to worry about someone saying anything negative about any of them bc it just wouldn’t happen (aroha are a small but passionate/protective group of ppl) and there aren’t really THAT many ~casual~ astro fans who would just have a random negative opinion that ppl would subscribe to

[littlebabycrybtch]

‘queerplatonic just means best friends’ is my favorite argument bc like i,,, genuinely could not make a point about how much exclusionists Refuse To Listen To Or Understand Aspecs And Are Willfully Ignorant About Our Lives that showcases it better than having that repeated so much like. lmao i could literally be like ‘ace is short for asexual’ and yall would still come in like ‘uh its spelled a-s-e not ace lmao dumbass anyways #cringe’ as if talking over a whole ass marginalized group is a part of your stance that deserves respect oh my god let me exist no one cares that you hate these newfangled terms ppl always complain when society starts asking for ~too much acceptance~ or w/e and if you dont like harmless shit i just want you to know from the bottom of my heart,,,,,, im not here to validate your unnecessary annoyance with the world

[lettuce-seize-the-day]

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