#but i feel full enough i feel panicky and itchy and nauseous and scared
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#shut up hanna#ed cw#after the events of today. i think it's fair to say i am indeed relapsing#and it really. really sucks that my therapist quit lmao like worst possible timing girly#i just force fed myself the dinner my roommates partner made us 4 hours ago#she plated it out and everything but when she served it I simply Could Not#so i put it in the fridge#then i was feeling not great and my heart was pounding and im like okay. im in a deficit. and#i need to heal my concussion so i can go to the intensive so i have to eat enough. and im not relapsing anyway#so i came downstairs and ate it#and i dont even feel like. overwhelmingly full like i physically ate too much#but i feel full enough i feel panicky and itchy and nauseous and scared#and it sucks bc ive unlearned so much fatphobia its like. literally WHAT am i afraid of#and i cant even explain it bc i dont understand it and i know i only hate my body bc it is mine and i wouldn't like it more at another size#but its just this feeling like something bad is gonna happen if i eat and this feeling like something bad is happening#bc i ate. and feeling like im gross like i dont need or deserve food and i suck for giving in#right now the mental illnesses acting up most are my ed and bpd. and theyre the hardest to talk abt and the hardest to manage#and my fp and therapist are both gone all of a sudden so i lost two big supports#and i dont have anything to distract me#I'm trying so so so hard not to throw up rn but im just so anxious and upset and idk how to cope#my ed hasnt felt anything like this in years. years#idk how i coped before. i cant remember. it hasnt been like this in so long
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