#i am often reminded my irl friend group is made up of people who act like actual mature adults and every day i am so fucking grateful for it

[godbirdart]

i've been so used to the online space where if you like a series or fictional character that someone else hates they will openly berate you and cut you out of their life and tell you to Go Die so when i got into a thing that a friend really didn't like and their only reaction was "i do not like it" and left it at that with no over the top reaction or lecture on Why The Thing They Don't Like Is Bad, honestly i felt like i met god

[symptoms-syndrome]

1, 3, 5!

Thank you!

1. Do you have an inner world? If yes, is it something you consciously made? What is your inner world like?

Yes, kinda? And it's sort of in between. I had a sort of "inner world" type thing I would imagine myself in a lot as a kid/teen. It's not like how some other people describe inner worlds where it's like. A place parts hang out in, it's sort of like a daydream. A mental safe space. It's a big big willow tree with some rooms inside, mostly a big foyer with a fireplace and comfy chairs. Tardis-esque in like. Inside vs outside size. It's also got sort of a moat around it, between the trunk and where the willow branches reach the floor, with clear, cool water.

And in therapy, my therapist suggested I create a "meeting room" and a "safe space," so I already had the safe space down. The "meeting room" is based on a classic diner I used to go to a lot, with booths and a counter. Like the kind that look like they're in an old train car. Like this:

But more blue/teal. I was sort of intimidated by the idea of a "meeting room" because something like a conference table makes me feel like I'm in trouble. A diner is more friendly because parts can be in the same place but still have their own space. Like they don't need to all be around the same table and that's less intimidating. It feels less like a forced meeting.

The first time I used it Aslan just colored on the paper placemats while Tomas (who was the one like. In front during that session) sat with him. I haven't really used it in therapy for any actual meetings yet, I think it takes getting used to first.

3. Do you experience your disorder as overt or covert? What does that mean to you?

It's hard to say mostly because it's hard to isolate one of my disorders when talking about how I'm perceived. I generally say overt just because I'm noticably mentally ill, but it's not like people generally go "oh DID." When I told my friends about it though they did say that it made my behavior make more sense.

Though I have had two therapists at this point tell me they were genuinely astonished that I hadn't been diagnosed earlier. Apparently I am very visibly DID to clinicians. I don't really know what that means.

I am like. Very secretive about my actual diagnosis of DID IRL/everywhere except here and with my closest friends. I don't generally announce parts or switches or anything, I think my friends just know that they need to remind me of things more often and that I can act really differently at times/have different opinions on things (like food, which could be relevant to a hangout) so they ask about that kind of thing more often than I think they would for someone without my condition.

TLDR overtly mentally ill but try not to make a big deal about it.

5. Are there parts that are more able to communicate with each other than others?

Definitely. I call one group of parts (of which I am a part of, no pun intended) the "raspberry" because we're like. Parts that make up a bigger thing. Like the little cells of a raspberry. Even among the raspberry there's slightly varied levels of communication, but generally we're able to communicate with each other about some things. Outside the raspberry is definitely harder. There's some parts that have very clear communication only when they want to and are hard to reach otherwise, some parts that seemingly send one-way messages, and some parts that are totally or almost totally isolated. Or maybe just don't want to talk. Hard to tell.

[spiral2005]

#vent under the cut. sorry for the mental illness but i've gotten TOO much of it i need to voice my pain to the internet now

so these past two or so weeks my cookie game fixation came back. kind of. i don't play the games anymore (i did actually try and pick them back up recently but 1. i get bored of mobile games really fast and 2. i don't really want to support the company anymore. because they're lame), but an irl friend started talking to me about it and specifically wanted to like draw some of the characters and i was like "yeah i'll tag along." so i did draw some of those characters. and it made my mental health worse LOL

i lot of the issues i have with cookie game don't really come from the game itself, really? it definitely has it's problems and again i don't actively engage with the games anymore but a lot of the character designs are genuinely really good. i've tried stealing some of them and putting them into their own stories multiple times but i've always given up mainly because of the reason i'm going to get into

my main issue is that the cookie game fandom is lame. like big time. and i don't really know how to put it into exact words and i don't really like admitting it but it definitely fucked me up a little mentally. it was the first online fandom i joined when i became old enough to actually do things online, plus i joined it during the lockdown so i was at home for a significantly longer time than usual and was able to be active in the fandom more. i had joined a server with a group of decently notable people in it who were friendly towards me and it made me feel genuinely really nice, as someone who was treated poorly by a lot of people who i considered myself to be "close" to before.

but also, like i said, it was the first time i was really interacting with strangers on the internet, so i didn't really have the proper, like, "online etiquette" instilled in my brain yet. so i started to act really irrational and passive aggressive towards this group of people once i started to believe they "didn't really like me anymore." it got bad to the point where the group of people stopped talking to me altogether. and, like, i don't have a problem with that in it of itself; i do look back at how i acted towards that group and recognize "yeah. i was being a dick." but also at the time it felt extremely sudden. i believe one of the people in this group tried to tell me what i was doing wrong beforehand but it was in a really vauge and awkward way that i couldn't really understand. and a lot of the "problematic" things i was doing were also like, me genuinely trying to get along with them? like i would watch this group of people make jokingly teasing remarks about each other constantly and when i would try and do the same i guess it failed and came off as genuine rudeness a lot of the time. i was trying really hard to get this group of people who i were friends with to "like me again" but i was young and it came off as rude and selfish instead.

i think at this point that i've grown as a person from my days as a young cookie game fan. i try to be compassionate to people online and try not to overstep my boundaries and things of the like. but me fucking up my first ever attempt still kind of haunts me to this day. even with people i'm close with in real life, i am constantly wondering whether or not i'm coming off as too mean and i'm secretly hurting the people around me. even at the smallest hint of dissatisfaction towards me, i immediately start worrying about what i might have done wrong, and if said person is going to completely block me out of their life the next day without me knowing what i did in the first place. i have a lot of people in my life right now who i know care about me, and i'm genuinely really thankful for that, but i know that i have the capacity in me to change someone's mind about that, and that's scary to me.

i got to a point where i wasn't being reminded of this as often, but now that cookie game has been a thing i've been thinking about my old "friend group" is also eventually going to come up. in all honestly, i don't really want closure from any of them. a lot of the (rightfully) do not care about cookie game anymore, and the ones that do make me a little uncomfortable for other reasons, but nonetheless, i still feel bad that i made a group of people older than me hate me by being too #entitledminorcore around them. there's a lot of other intricacies to my current mental state that tie back to my old fandom days in some shape or form, but i don't want to share too much on the internet. i just want to share a little. so i hopefully stop thinking about it.

[zhuhongs]

なんか私の想いが溢れ出した. i went out with some friends last night and every time i go out i always realize just how bad i am at communicating and how bad I am with people. (long meandering post under the cut. feel free to ignore its unfocused and long.. like 2k words under there)

I’ve mentioned this before but I don’t really talk much irl. I don’t talk, I can’t connect properly. Every time I’m out with people I just feel fundamentally, like… different. So a group of my irls friends plus me were going to the movie theatre and I personally really hate movie theatres. I knew we were going to one and prepared myself thinking “oh it’ll be fine bc you'll be with friends, just enjoy their company '' But god I really hate movie theaters. It’s been so long, i forgot how much I really really hated them. They’re so loud and bright. I’d much rather watch a movie at home but tbh I also just don’t like movies bc I can’t sit through them and I can’t focus and I don’t get invested easily and I need to be doing something with my hands at all times. To make matters worse, my friend's friend that I really don’t like came along. I just, I don’t like her. She’s just too loud and attention seeking and childish. Like she says things for a reaction, like rlly not okay things sometimes and I just can’t stand her. like we went to see godzilla vs king kong and then entire movie she kept YELLING "IF THEY DONT KISS I WANT MY MONEY BACK" and i was like... you are 21 yrs old oh my god.. this isnt ur tumblr blog in middle school. shut up. But here’s the thing, I don’t know how to tell her or anyone that. Like I just can’t figure out a good way to say it, so I put up with it. Things like this just make me feel incredibly annoyed. I always talk on here about how if I have an issue with anyone, I’ll just say it like an adult. But in face to face situations I just don’t know how to say things. Well I do know how to say it - it’d be easy.  I just hate having to do it. Like I don't have to say the whole thing about how I don’t like her but when she says like “simp” when she’s nonblack I could just be like. “Hey don’t say that, here’s why” and I’m sure she’d stop. Yet I can’t bring myself to have that one moment of discomfort to tell her to stop yelling in my ear or stop saying things that make me annoyed. I feel useless in a way. ちゃんとできない。 ちゃんと伝えない。During the entire movie I was thinking to myself that I’d rather be home watching a drama by myself and doing hw. I also hate going out for other reasons. I hate being seen. I hate my appearance. I know I don’t have to be pretty, I only need to exist for me. Like wow, I just have so many body image issues, and they all manifest heavily as soon as I go out in public. 

But afterwards I changed my mind a bit. There was a moment where we were outside running around in the street and it reminded me of that one scene in AIB episode one with Chota, Karube, and Arisu in the street and I was rlly like… wow… maybe human connection really is good. It doesn’t matter if I’m pretty or good at talking, sometimes, to laugh and be silly wth others is all you need to make your night. Just one moment, just one person really is all it takes. We all went out for dinner afterwards and it was really really fun. I enjoyed it, there really is something about eating with someone that brings you closer to them.  

The entire time though, I didn’t talk much. I don’t really know when to cut in in a conversation to a point where it feels right. I feel like by saying my piece I’m interrupting others just to say something that wasn’t really of any use. Really, I prefer silence with others. I’m bad at talking in social situations but I’m great at talking in classes and at work because of the context. Because I’m expected to engage there. The pretense is different. Like you’re supposed to contribute in those places. It’s acceptable to talk there. But for me, it doesn’t really feel acceptable to just share about myself like that in a social group setting. I wish I could always communicate like how I am doing here. It’s so much nicer online. I get to post my full complete thoughts without bothering any of you. My words can easily be disregarded and just flipped through. It’s passive. Posting is passive, talking is active. And sometimes, people don't really want to talk to others, they just want to say their piece. Like when talking about their problems, often we just want to say it and the act of saying those words is all we need. We don’t want input, it annoys us. I don’t like to cut in, and I can never find the right words to say. Even right now, none of this feels like it’s coming out correctly. None of my words feel like they’re coming out correctly nowadays, but this is the only way I know how to be. If I can’t post my thoughts on here, even if they come out crooked and ugly, I may never speak again. I have to keep talking, and typing, and trying otherwise I’ll never get any better. And I know it’s okay to do things wrong, but still, I can’t let myself do that. Again, I do fine when I’m at work and school. I’m functional, normal, you would never be able to tell how much is going on in my head. But in private, I may never speak again if I wasn’t spoken to. 

When I was younger, around 12 or 13, I remember something a friend posted on my first online community. They posted, quite honestly, that they never wanted to meet anyone on there irl. No matter how close we are, it would never be the same IRL. I didn’t get that sentiment at the time. To me, why wouldn’t you want to see your friends everyday in person? That would be great. But I think I get it now. I’m afraid that if I ever met any of you someday it wouldn’t be the same. I’m not really the same in person. I’m bad at talking, bad at connecting. I’m not a proper person. But I feel like that’s okay. It’s okay to just exist on here as I am. While my friend was talking to me on our drive back to her place (we carpooled) she was telling me about her life. And she was apologizing like “oh I’m sorry I keep talking about myself” but quite honestly I was glad to just be able to listen. At some point my friend kept asking me what was up so I decided maybe I’ll tell them the arcane secrets of how I’ve been into guardian and how all the characters rlly hit for me for personal reasons. That was really the only thing I thought that was of note to tell her about. Really I don’t think I’ve done or felt much new since I last talked to her. But as I was trying to explain I just wasn’t doing it right. She just didn’t get it and trying to talk about something like that just made me embarrassed to the point where I just dropped it and tried to just say, “oh yea, you got it, that’s it.” and move along bc I didn’t think she’d get it. She’s the type that doesn’t really get how you can make meaningful connections online. So whenever I try to talk to her about certain things, it just doesn’t register. I’ve learned to choose my battles. I didn’t really think she wanted to get it. So I didn’t tell her. I tried telling her about stuff I liked in the past and I just always stop halfway through. I can’t communicate properly. I can’t speak in a way that I think is worthy of being heard. So I don’t talk. It frustrates me to no end. It feels like everyone else can do it so easily, that I’m the wrong one. 

I had another friend from Uni message me about something and she was like “so what’s new with you, twin” (we have similar bdays and get along well so we call each other that) and tbh I just, didn’t know what to tell her. I had talked to her in a long time, so things had happened but nothing so easily said that I could just tell her over text. SO I just was like “work, school, yk how it is” and yea. I really am the one choosing not to let people in. It frustrates me to no end but I don’t know what a good starting point is ever. I feel like I should just send all my IRLS my long reflection essays next time they wanna know what's up. All the secrets to why I am the way I am are in there.

I’m scared of telling people how I feel about anything. IRL when I say something I often speak quietly, moreso like I’m only talking to myself. People often don’t hear what I had to say. And I don’t repeat myself. If it was something someone didn’t hear, in my head, that means that it wasn’t important enough to repeat. I’m afraid of talking and being misunderstood and never being able to be interpreted the way I mean. I want to convey all my thoughts correctly the first time. So i don’t repeat myself, not bc I’m mad at the person who didn’t hear me. It’s not about them, it’s about me. I don’t believe my words to be worth repeating. I don’t want anyone to stop the conversation for me. Just keep going, it won’t come out the right way anyways. I was taking a uquiz a week or so ago and one question was “what power do you want” and one option was smth like the power of comprehension. Which would make it so every time you spoke, that person would understand you the way you intended. That is the most ideal power for me to ever possess like it was unreal. I’m still thinking about that quiz. It was good.

I know that I’m worth being listened to and that my words are valuable enough to be heard but I don’t want to do that. I’d rather listen. I only like talking when it’s safe like it is here. I’m trying my best to get better though. I keep saying that I want to be a proper adult. I want to live right and without regrets and i really think communication is key to that. I’m trying. It’s hard but I’m trying. But still, I can only talk here a lot.  I can’t talk any other way. I don’t tell my friends about my interests, it embarasses me to no end. 

Being on here is comforting though. When I talk about stuff like this, I always see a lot more people than usual like my post. I feel like you can all relate. Really, people are more similar than not. We all have very similar burdens and pains and baggage. It’s comforting, I'm not alone. My words might be able to help someone. Because when all of you talk about the same things, i also feel seen and comforted and since we are so similar, then the same is true for the things I say.

But anyways, I did a lot of listening tonight, and it reflects the sentiment above. People are the same. I was listening to my friend’s friend talking about her mom earlier and the entire time, I really resonated with what she was saying. I got it. Her mom’s situation was really similar to my own mom’s situation in the past. And I was just amazed at how I barely knew this girl but I felt really similar to her. I saw her differently after learning all that. It was really a great thing. ANd on the way home, my friend was telling me about her life recently and some things andi really understand what she was going through. I didn’t say anything, because again, I don't like to interrupt. And when I try and be like ‘oh me too, it's the same for me too” I feel like I’m derailing. I know I’m not but I really think she needed to say her piece. So I let her. But the entire time, I thought about the things in my life that were the same as what she was feeling and it was beautiful. Life and human bonds are beautiful. Even when they are hard and messy and annoying, people all want the same things. They want to be loved and seen and understood. And in those moments when we feel seen, it’s worth more than any of those complicated feelings that come along with it. Not to be cheesy but wow… in order to reap the rewards of being loved, you really do need to submit to the mortifying ordeal of being known. I was glad I didn’t stay home watching a drama. I was glad that I went out. No matter how alienated I feel from others, there’s still merit in being around other people. No matter how much others may misunderstand you and annoy you, they are almost always worth more than being alone. That;s because deep down, we’re all the same.

I’m not good at reminding myself that. As I said here, I don’t let people see me. I don’t let people in, I’d rather keep them out. I’m a picky, boring person. I don’t like people easily and I don’t tell them much. I stay inside my own head and I don’t like to come out. I was raised that way. But people are worth it. Communication is worth it, no matter how hard. It’s all worth it. I need to try harder so I can be a person who is able to see and enjoy more beauty in this world. I spent my hr long drive home listening to music and ruminating on these thoughts, trying to plan out all the words I wanted to say here. I don’t think I said any of it right. I’m not satisfied with how I write nowadays. But writing, talking, conveying emotions, all of these things are worth doing. So no matter how crooked and awkward it comes out, I will keep doing it. It is my goal. 

[tinyhoovequius]

Bonkers Bananaville

Quick PSA edit:

Actively and intentionally harming another person because they inadvertently hurt you is the behavior of a narcissist. If you find yourself doing this, I recommend getting in touch with a therapist. Online bullies who target people for “problematic behavior” are often narcissists who are trying to get away with satisfying their need to punish and harm others who have unintentionally caused them distress while simultaneously satisfying their need for applause. There are other ways to resolve problems. The fact that they choose to wage sustained bullying campaigns is because of their personality disorder, not because it’s an effective or just tool for solving social problems.

=================

So recently, a good friend of mine, mx, has been getting bullied and harassed by some folks in the DC fandom. The circumstances are complicated and stupid and basically amount to a bunch of emotionally fragile morons deciding that because my friend argued that a character is asexual because they grew up under messed up circumstances and didn’t develop into a fully realized social being, my friend mx must be acephobic. Now I will fully admit that the phrasing mx used, when taken out of context, sounds really horrible! They used the expression “barely a person” to describe the character. This is an expression that we use among our friends group in a joking way to describe a character (never a real person) who has not been fully realized as a social individual within whatever fictional world they exist. It’s not so much an attempt to deny the character’s humanity as it is describing what has happened to the person as a result of their life circumstances.  Personally, I disagree with the idea that social circumstances would affect a person’s sexuality. Maybe it would affect their ability to relate to people so that if the person was demi or greysexual to begin with, it would push them away from the possibility of sexual relationships altogether? I can certainly see it contributing to a person being aromantic. And if I had been a part of that conversation that’s what I would have argued to mx.  I myself am asexual. It took me a long time to come out as ace and I had to deal with a lot of shit from random people, family and friends. But you know who never gave me any trouble? You know who always listened to me and supported me? It was mx. They were 100% wonderful about it. They never ever made me feel uncomfortable. They never made any weird advances or comments to me, even before I came out, which other close friends have done. They never pressured me to be anything different than what I am. Never made even the slightest suggestion that there was anything odd about my identity. And they tried to tell me why I am the way I am or dissect it. They let me speak for myself. And the reason they did this is because I am a real living breathing human being and not a fictional character. You see, mx and I are the type of people who make a distinction between how we talk about imaginary constructs and real people. We differentiate in how we treat fictional representations and actual humans (and I guess furries too. I know a lot of furries. I don’t want to exclude them.) 

So these assholes have been sending mx nasty messages, harassing them on multiple platforms, gotten them kicked out of a ton of Discord servers and are approaching anyone they come in contact with telling them that mx is a dangerous person because.... I don’t know, I don’t really understand their argument? Because mx phrased something in a way that reminded them of something fucked up other people have said to them? Nevermind that mx did not remotely mean it in the way that originally hurt them did. They can’t target the original person and mx presents an easy target so here we go into the land of scapegoats. I guess some people just want to find reasons to be upset about something so they can have an excuse to bully and harass others. Because if this was really about them getting hurt, as they claim, then why go to all the trouble of destroying the life of someone who doesn’t believe the things they claim? And it’s pretty clear they don’t based on how they treat the other people in their life who are ace.  Now these folks have known mx for maybe half a year and in that time have had very shallow conversations with them about comic book characters. It’s hard to make any sort of real assessment of a person based on that. However, they’re now going around telling people that mx has now for 10, 15, 20 years, some of whom have known mx IRL for that whole time, some of whom know mx’s family, some of whom have lived with mx, in other words, people who are very close to mx and know them extremely well.... these asshats online are telling them, “Oh, mx isn’t who they say they are.”

Right.  Because after having some disagreements about comic books in an online chat group, you have the full measure of a person. Because you can definitely tell everything about a person based on how they’ve analyzed a character and not based on how they actually treat real people that they know for twenty years. I think, given that I have heard every intimate detail of mx’s thoughts, feelings and life for the past twenty years because I am the kind of person they confide things in, even the fucked up things, I have a much better sense of who this person is than a bunch of whiny little bullies who take pleasure in harming as many people as they possibly can while looking justified in their abhorrent and despicable behavior by throwing up some fake front of social justice.

Oh, and one of these people deserves special mention. They’re a white person who claims to be a POC. They do so in order to call other white people racist and so that they can get lots of accolades and sympathy from others. As someone who has had to deal with the effects of systemic racism, this makes me furious. You don’t have to deal with the fear of family members being killed or imprisoned, you don’t have to deal with harsher treatment from the police or judicial authorities, you don’t have to deal with being treated as the brown friend, you don’t have to deal with the fact that there is not a single country in the world where you won’t be under increased surveillance or probable persecution or the threat of rape. So you do not get to claim some kind of moral authority that you think gives you permission to go around acting like a twisted, manipulative, toxic, abusive, sadistic fuck, while everyone lauds you for your imaginary struggle. Acknowledge your privilege and be an ally. Support people. Lift them up. Don’t claim an identity so that you can injure others. That’s seriously deranged. 

[thesilverdragoon]

REALLY LONG CHARACTER SURVEY.

I’m not subjecting anyone to this horror. Stolen from @crimsonfluidessence​

BASICS.

FULL NAME: Vesevont Nevelaux

NICKNAME: Ves, “Cap”

AGE: 49

BIRTHDAY: 15th Sun of the Second Astral Moon (March 15)

ETHNIC GROUP: Ishgardian Elezen

NATIONALITY: Ishgardian

LANGUAGE(S): Common Eorzean

SEXUAL ORIENTATION: Bisexual

ROMANTIC ORIENTATION: Biromantic

RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Single

CLASS: Dragoon (OOC only, IC a mere knight)

HOMETOWN / AREA: Coerthas

CURRENT HOME: The Mist

PROFESSION: Ex-knight of Ishgard's House Durendaire. Currently: none

PHYSICAL.

HAIR: Blond

EYES: Amber

NOSE: He has one(1) nose.

FACE: Scarred, eye bags, wrinkly, crow’s feet, a little gaunt, aged

LIPS: Probably dry to be fair.

COMPLEXION: Light or, probably just pale

BLEMISHES: We all have ‘em

SCARS: One over the right eye, one across the left cheek and nose. And others.

TATTOOS: None

HEIGHT: 6′6″

WEIGHT: Average for his height

BUILD: Lean, fit

FEATURES: He’s got pretty big ears?

ALLERGIES: Bananas.

USUAL HAIRSTYLE: Short, blond, shaved on the sides.

USUAL FACE LOOK: Resting bitch face

USUAL CLOTHING: Old knight-attire with green cloak, or his blue outfit later in SB

PSYCHOLOGY.

FEAR(S): Abandonment, his kids or friends getting hurt, Carbuncles, Voidsent

ASPIRATION(S): Being able to settle down with someone

POSITIVE TRAITS: Tenacious, Loyal, Polite, Caring, Merciful

NEGATIVE TRAITS: Reckless, Stubborn, Confrontational, Harsh, Impulsive

ZODIAC: Ironically a Pisces (Thaliak on the Eorzean calender)

TEMPERAMENT: Guarded but usually optimistic

SOUL TYPE(S): He has a soul or he wouldn’t be alive.

ANIMALS: He’d want to be a shark

VICE HABIT(S): Stress-eating, boredom eating, eating

FAITH: Unknown

GHOSTS?: Reluctantly yes

AFTERLIFE?: He hopes so

REINCARNATION?: Maybe

ALIENS?: "Who?”

POLITICAL ALIGNMENT: Probably really liberal

ECONOMIC PREFERENCE: Don’t ask him things like this he doesn’t know.

SOCIO POLITICAL POSITION: Refer to the above

EDUCATION LEVEL: Life experience. (He was a knight. Cannon fodder.)

FAMILY.

FATHER: Yes; Dead

MOTHER: Yes; Dead

SIBLINGS: No

EXTENDED FAMILY: Probably

NAME MEANING(S): Vesevont is the made up version to his OC actual name, Vsevolod, which hilariously means ‘lord of everything/everybody’. It’s also a name that hasn’t been used in centuries so anyone with that name is looked at very weirdly irl.

HISTORICAL CONNECTION?: No.

FAVORITES.

BOOK: Particular towards fiction, because he likes happy endings.

MOVIE: If there were movies, rom-coms.

5 SONGS: He doesn’t really listen to music anymore

DEITY: Not currently

HOLIDAY: Maybe Starlight

MONTH: Doesn’t matter

SEASON: Spring

PLACE: The Ruby Sea

WEATHER: Warm and sunny

SOUND: The ocean, the breaking-the-sound-barrier sound Sihl makes when flying

SCENT(S): Fresh cut flowers

TASTE(S): Savory, spicy, chocolatey

FEEL(S): Warm hands on his icicle hands.

ANIMAL(S): Again, sharks

NUMBER: 13. A baker’s dozen

COLORS: Yellow

EXTRA.

TALENTS: Destroying property, taste-testing, withstanding harsh environments

BAD AT: Acting normal and well integrated into society, social anything

TURN ONS: Intelligence, Kindness, Snappy Wits and Sarcasm, Prim and Proper

TURN OFFS: Cruelty, Unforgiving..ness, All Out Bad

HOBBIES: Flying with Sihl and exploring, sometimes people-watching

TROPES: Anime-Reactions, Dopey Dad, Seems to Survive Everything

AESTHETIC TAGS: Birds, the sky, flying, the sun, dragons happy, uplifting and airy

GPOY  QUOTES: "Uh oh.”

FC INFO. (I dont know what ANY of this means.)

MAIN FC(S): 

ALT FC(S): 

OLDER FC(S):

YOUNGER FC(S): 

VOICE CLAIM(S): WS!Cap definitely was lip-syncing Ronan Harris’ voice due to the sheer multitude of VNV songs that were part of his character. But Ves specifically?? I imagine something probably deeper and more rough but I haven’t heard anything I liked in particular yet.

GENDERBENT FC(S): 

MUN QUESTIONS.

Q1: IF YOU COULD WRITE YOUR CHARACTER YOUR WAY IN THEIR OWN MOVIE, WHAT WOULD IT BE CALLED, WHAT STYLE WOULD IT BE FILMED IN, AND WHAT WOULD IT BE ABOUT?:

If it were up to me, the movie would be emulating a war movie in style, with muted and often cold colors and much darker themes and tones. Occasionally there’d be bursts of color or uplifting scenes to remind everyone that people are still human and contrast all the darker stuff, so a balance between the two. 

That’d be the most important part of it for me personally. Many references to all sorts of symbolism, though not too heavy-handed with it, allegories, metaphors, etc. To explore the spectrum of the ...for lack of better term, human condition.

Q2: WHAT WOULD THEIR SOUNDTRACK / SCORE SOUND LIKE?:

Completely orchestrated, done in a romantic style so that, in case someone weren’t watching the movie itself, they could simply listen to the music and imagine their own scene to it as the composition of said songs would ...in a perfect world, be very specifically tailored to fit certain sequences of emotion and whatnot.

And of course some violin/piano duet pieces sprinkled here and there.

Q3: WHY DID YOU START WRITING THIS CHARACTER?:

Ves is just one version of an old OC I’ve had for a long, long time. Maybe eight or so years. Give or take. He’s got several different iterations thus far.

Q4: WHAT FIRST ATTRACTED YOU TO THIS CHARACTER?:

My love for war movies and such to be honest. Along with my insane fascination and interest in historical narratives and European warfare and the like. Typically, Ves’ character is usually pulling all sorts of things from WW1 from fashion to mannerisms, and his whole world is constructed to emulate that as well (though, not set on Earth.) Not the FFXIV version of course because Ishgard is there, but other versions of him such as WS and his original counterpart.

Q5: DESCRIBE THE BIGGEST THING YOU DISLIKE ABOUT YOUR MUSE:

If I had to pick the largest thing I have against him (and I mean this character in general, not specifically FFXIV,) it’s the need for historical accuracy in most cases. I’m a die-hard for things like that and spend a lot of time doing research (usually just for fun but I get carried away easily.) Considering reference material isn’t always the easiest to find for really specific things from a time period that old, it becomes frustrating VERY quickly when I don’t feel I’m portraying him ‘authentically’ enough.

Elsewise, as far as his personality goes, he’s just like any dad. The need to always be right drives me absolutely insane. The good thing about him though is that he’s fictional and I can make him change and grow and learn. >:) Now that’s what I call sexy.

Q6: WHAT DO YOU HAVE IN COMMON WITH YOUR MUSE?:

We both love to eat and eat way too much too often and yet are like twigs. And we’re too particular about certain things.

I dunno, your characters technically are just facets of you.

Q7: HOW DOES YOUR MUSE FEEL ABOUT YOU?:

He’d be extremely annoyed but I don’t think he’d do anything about it. I am but a CHILDE.

Q8: WHAT CHARACTERS DOES YOUR MUSE HAVE INTERESTING INTERACTIONS WITH?

Thus far? There’s Lowrey who won’t leave him alone and is always trying to wrangle Ves in like a bucking horse, and they’re VERY entertaining to watch with their weird and aggressive banter (on Ves’ part anyway, he can’t stand the guy. Lowrey just rolls with the punches with a big grin and keeps on pushing. Ves is gonna clobber him one of these days for real this time. For REAL this time.)

And then there’s Ves and Caudecus’ very polarizing and almost jarring but still extremely funny interactions with one another. They’re roommates right now so, typical roommate shenanigans, laugh track plays here. There’s something sinister hidden underneath it all and I think Caud may just get a laugh out of stabbing Ves verbally, which is also something I enjoy laying witness to.

And of course, Mei and Ves. He has NO idea who she is, he just kind of met her out there in the wilderness I suspect and thought she was weird, but she’s very fun and loves to go exploring and flying too and that’s something he can relate to. Plus Mei displays a very clear sense of justice and that is something he appreciates VERY much. She’s just whacky and weird and a mystery but he likes it and doesn’t know why. It’s probably all the pink.

Q9: WHAT GIVES YOU INSPIRATION TO WRITE YOUR MUSE?:

Anime stuff probably, war stuff. I dunno, depends on my mood for the day. I don’t need inspiration, my characters are just on a roulette wheel. Which one do I feel like using today.

Q10: HOW LONG DID THIS TAKE YOU TO COMPLETE?:

About an hour, but I had to constantly rephrase things that didn’t make sense.

[effect-of-games]

Impact of Video Games on Communication (Results from Google Form poll)

Questions posed within poll: 1. What video games do you think have some sort of impact? Why/how (if you know)? 2. What are some of your favorite video games? 3. Why do you play video games? 4. Is there anything else you think is important when talking about video games?

Name/Gamer Tag: Poizened 1. If I under stand what you are pitching then I’d say any game with co-op/ multiplayer features make a great impact and a perfect example would be Rainbow Six Siege. Rainbow Six Siege is a multiplayer game that requires communication unlike any other game. You talk and get to meet cool people (even the toxic ones) and just off that game alone I’ve met some cool people in real life and personally games have helped me to communicate to people on my home area since I don’t talk or get out much cause I have social anxiety. Playing video games every now and then help me on my people skills. 2. Call of duty, rainbow six siege, and resident evil 3. I play video games to escape from reality, to play with friends, and to practice my people skills (verbally). 4. I also believe video games help with functional skills in a sense. What I mean by this is that I have seen my reaction time improve days on end as well as I remember the smallest types of situations that I wouldn’t have before. Also I feel as if I’m more aware of my surroundings. Name/ Gamer Tag: Mathew Jelicks/Le Pooch 1. Hardcore survival or competitive games. I feel these emphasize a strong reliance on communication skills, and because of this players become better at communicating things they want/need to say 2. Halo, Escape from Tarkov, League of Legends, Starcraft 2, CSGO 3. I play video games to relax from everyday life, take over as a specific character to see how their life feels, and as a way to better myself at a hobby. 4. Video games don't always produce violence in people, let alone turn innocent kids into delinquents. It's a matter of control and having people to still remind you of the difference between games and reality. If you let someone young sit there for days on end just playing a game, of course they're gonna see negative effects, it's up to everyone to make sure that regulations are set to make sure that negative effects don't occur. As with anything in life, not having a form of regulation or checking up on the activity could lead to serious negative effects. Name/Gamer Tag: BigLettuce 1. Different games have different effects. Team based games require more cohesion where as individual games are more dependent on self sufficiency. The team based game forces you to cooperate with others to achieve some kind of common objective and in theory the objective takes president over the individual. This can be true and false to varying degree's. Individual games or team based games you play independently tend to lead the player to act in their own interest. 2. Minecraft, Hearts of Iron 3. Mainly to pass the time, play with friends. I've grown further away from them as I've grown older but I still play on occasion. 4. I believe video games can and are a good outlet for expression. On the other side of the same coin I believe they can lead people to believe they are spending some kind of time with others when no actual social interaction is being accomplished. Isolation and inability to socialize irl can be possible side effects but I believe that is for the individual to decide how much they want to play. Name/Gamer Tag: Hoss 1. Most if not all, excluding mobile games 2. Planetside 2, runescape 3, Dead Space, Metro 3. To escape the dull, boring, unforgiving thing that is reality. 4. Shitty lootbox mechanics aka "surprise mechanics" Name/Gamer Tag: Bree / chainbreeaction 1. I think competitive video games have the most impact. They aren’t my favorite but I know a lot of people like to compete and interact with other players in that kind of setting. I’m out of touch with competitive games but I’m pretty sure Fortnite is still big. It definitely made an impact. 2. (Any) Pokemon, legend of Zelda, animal crossing, assassins creed, Spider-Man (ps4), uncharted 4, Batman Arkham city, (any) silent hill. Those are just a few! 3. I play a lot of video games for the story. I’m invested deeply into quite a few franchises. But also sometimes, escapism. 4. When it comes to competitive play online, there’s a HUGE sexism problem. Women of all ages sometimes don’t even bother turning their mics on while playing because they don’t want to be insulted by male players. It doesn’t even make sense because the percentage of men and women who play video games are very close to 50%/50%. Name/Gamer Tag: TheH0lySpirit 1. There are some games like "Life is Strange," and "Little Nightmares" bring a different perspective on life as well as connect deeply with certain people who have been through traumatic incidents, moments or feelings that largely have impacted their lives. These games almost become therapeutic and a way to cope with those emotion. However, other games that require teamwork and large amounts of effort like Dead by Daylight, Rainbow Six Siege or Overwatch bring people together and forge bonds with people you meet on the internet. 2. Rainbow Six Siege, Far Cry Series, Dead By Daylight, Endless Space, Stellaris 3. Its almost therapy to me. Working in a volatile environment like the FX Market can be stressful, leading classes all the time and being stuck watching numbers can be stressing. However, at the end of a long day, a session with friends or just brainless play helps me get tired. Due to my insomnia, it helps me fall asleep and get a nights rest eventually. Its also a great way to blow out steam in games like Killing Floor 2 4. Many people think it's not a valid career or that kids shouldn't be encouraged to play. Honestly, it can be the reason why kids are so environmentally aware or even crafty. Most games have aspects of fantasy but they aren't completely unrealistic. Its obvious kids learn these games and pick them up very quickly. If games could be incorporated in things like education, further study, therapy, and other subjects, these normally hard to grasp subjects would become much easier to understand Name/Gamer Tag: CreedBlade 1. Story driven games, I feel, have the greatest impact on us. Humans are storytellers by nature. We thrive on a good story. We hold our breath for the next moment in a good tale. Games that bring forward a good story, like the later Assassin's Creed games, Fire Emblem, or Shadow of Mordor, can evoke powerful story elements and bring the player in. They go beyond mechanics and graphics to entice the player to explore and find out what happens next. Stories have the power to change lives. Its why tabletop games like d&d work too. Because good stories draw us in. 2. Hollow Knight, Assassin's Creed Black flag and Origins, Fire Emblem 3 houses. 3. For fun, for adventure, for challenge, for entertainment 4. Video games are a medium that give a player control over what happens. Agency is a powerful thing. We constantly clamor for it in our everyday lives; but the agency we find in games can allow us to do more. People like video games that allow for agency and choice, even if those choices are limited. Name/Gamer Tag: Logan Kreger / Trumpet | Thrax 1. Every sort of game has an impact on communication, being a popular form of entertainment, but more specifically, multiplayer games have had a massive impact on communication, connecting people around the world and giving them a common interest and goal. There are both positive and negative aspects to this, allowing some people to make new friends, while others are hostile towards other players. Overall, they allow new interactions between people that otherwise would never meet. 2. Warframe, the Civilization series, Rainbow 6: Siege, Factorio, Portal (2), Stellaris, Command & Conquer Generals 3. entertainment, story, interaction with friends 4. In regards to communication, I believe its important to note that video games have their own language in regards to the way that they convey ideas, especially surrounding level design and controls. Name/Gamer Tag: Bear 1. Biggest impact games are game that encourage you to communicate and devise strategies with others. If you take it seriously and you exercise proper communication skills, you will more often than not be successful at what you do.  2. Some of my favorite video games are shooters and RPGs/MMORPGs such as Escape From Tarkov and World of Warcraft. 3. I play video games because I use it as means to keep up with friends. It exercises my brain and I am able to interact with different people daily. 4. Just have fun, and enjoy responsibly. Name/Gamer Tag: DreamSong 1. Assuming this is impact for an individual, I'd say all games. I believe any game can have an impact on any individual, because every person, views each game differently from another person. Two people may both enjoy a single game, but the way it impacts each person in their lives is different. One never knows what someone is going through, and therefore may not know what helps them in their daily lives. I've played plenty of games that I'll admit weren't great games, either through quality or other. But some of these games were able to help me through tough times where other games, or people couldn't. Long story short, any game can have an impact on any person if it's presented to them at the right time. If you meant impact on a larger grouping of people, then I say games that are wildly popular, or wildly unique/controversial, are the games that tend to impact communities, and groups of people. 2. I really like games that are mechanical skill based, and competitive. Games like super smash brothers where it's a one on one, all mechanics, all skill. I like games where I know I beat my opponent because I'm better than them, or they beat me because I need to improve. I like games that tend to be more black and white, and have obvious ways of showing you where you need to improve.Inversely, I also really like sandbox games. Games like Minecraft, or Animal Crossing really appeal to me, because I really like organizing. In sandbox games I feel like I have all the freedom I want to organize, and personalize my stuff. It's nice. 3. Primarily for fun, and as an escape. I was introduced to games very young, and became attached to them. When younger, I don't think I was really using games to hide from the world, but as I grew older it changed a bit. Video games were still something I sought after to play and have fun, but the older I got and the lonelier I got, video games became an escape. Having 5 siblings meant I was never really alone, but due to the age gaps, and personality differences, there were many times where I couldn't relate easily. My only sibling sharing the same gender is 8 years older than I am, so I tried to feel close to him, but being an 8 year old, trying to get the attention of a 16 year old with their friends was hard. So overtime, I turned my love for games from something that I was able to enjoy with my siblings, to something I would enjoy when my siblings weren't willing/able to hang out. Long story short, games are fun, I enjoy playing them. It's nice to feel challenged sometimes. 4. I would just say be wary that there are different games, and different people playing them. Everyone who gets into games, got into them for their own personal reason, even if it ends up boiling down to the same general idea. Each person is different, and each case, is by case. Name/Gamer Tag: Sapientis 1. Call Of Duty, Siege, Arma 3, etc. They are stress relievers and Arma is a military simulator that can allow some people to see how certain tactics for infiltration of a enemy strong hold works. 2. Rainbow Six Siege, Anthem, Valorant 3. Been playing them since I was a kid, always have fun while playing and they help me relieve stress. 4. Having fun is the key part to playing video games, if your not having fun, than you are playing right.

[ryanrodenbaugh]

How I Use Twitter

When used with intent, Twitter can be one of the best learning and growth tools on the internet. I had a semi-pseudonymous Twitter in middle school (~2008) that I mostly used to follow friends, shit post, and make jokes. I deleted that one when I went to college and started over with my current account @RyanRodenbaugh. When I started following people, I followed aspirational peers rather than only people I knew IRL.

If I were remaking my Twitter today, I would begin by following active Tweeters in field(s) interesting to me. In my case, this would be:

People in the field I work in tech/crypto (e.g., @Balajis, @Naval, @Jack, @PaulG, @ElonMusk)

People in health fields I am interested in (e.g., @foundmyfitness, @PeterAttiaMD, @DominicDAgosti2)

People in finance (e.g,. @Raydalio, @lloydblankfein, @mjmauboussin)

Authors/Bloggers/Podcasters I like (e.g,. @vgr, @waitbutwhy, @tferriss, @SamHarrisOrg, @EricRWeinstein)

Odds are that from here, these people will retweet or interact with other people who have interesting views, who you’ve heard of and want to follow, or Twitter will make good suggestions (as they often do) based on who you follow.

Starting by following 20-100 people you already know to be interesting and growing from there is probably the best way to have a well-filtered feed.

Some tips:

I would avoid following Newspaper accounts (@NYTimes, @WSJ) and instead whenever I come across an article I really like follow the journalist who wrote it.

I would avoid following people who are perpetually angry about nothing. You will mostly run into these types in politic or journalist Twitter.

If you follow someone and find that their Tweets don’t line up with why you find them interesting, unfollow them. @sacca is a luminary in the tech industry and I followed him for that reason, however, he basically only tweets about politics, so I unfollowed him.

In general, you should be fast and loose with unfollowing people. There are no consequences to doing this as you can always re-follow them

Muting

You should also liberally use the mute words feature. People you like will have opinions on topics you are really uninterested in. For example, there are a lot of people in tech who, for every 3 interesting tweets about company building have a very uninteresting opinion about politics. You can filter these uninteresting Tweets on mobile by going to Settings —> Content Preferences —> Muted —> Muted Words. Here, you can mute words so that they won’t appear in your timeline. For example, I’ve muted words like “AOC”, “Facebook”, “Mueller”, “AR-15”. So now, if people I like want to talk about the Mueller hearings or get angry about AOC��s new proposal, that’s fine, but I don’t have to read their tweet about it. This is your information diet and you should be able to edit it however you like. You should be unapologetic about the content you don’t want to interact with.

The Favorites (Likes) Button

One of my favorite things about Twitter is how favoriting works. When you’re scrolling your timeline, you can interact with Tweets by replying, retweeting, or favoriting. I use the favorite button not as a way to show approval, but as a “save for later”. As far as I know, Twitter is the only social network that makes it easy to view your favorites. I can easily go to my homepage and see all of my “likes”. Every few days or so I will go scroll through my likes and either:

Unlike it (meaning I don’t need to interact with it anymore),

Read the article or blog associated with the Tweet (and then unlike, once done)

Pocket if it’s long and I am confident I will want to read it later

Capture it in Evernote (covered in a later section)

Or leave it, in case it’s an idea I think I will want to come across again when I am going through my likes but I am not sure what to do with it yet.

An example of each from my actual likes right now:

Unlike: Here was a Tweet commenting on and linking to Grubhub’s most recent letter to the Shareholders. As interesting as I might find this, I am not going to actually get around to reading this

Read: This article about Japan trying to attract foreign entrepreneurs. It was a short article and was something I could skim. It also fits with interests I have about cities becoming more competitive with each other

Pocket: Patrick Collison tweeted an article about “The Rising Thread of Digital Nationalism” that I know I wanted to read, but didn’t want to read right now so I saved it to my Pocket where I can save articles for offline reading.

Catalog: @Patio11 Tweeted a blog post called "The ‘Marker’ Guide to Content Marketing for Non-Hucksters”. This isn’t relevant to me right now, but could be relevant to me in the future if I am working on marketing projects so I save it to an Evernote file.

Leave: I came across this interesting photo of how a restaurant in Bangkok deals with square foot constraints. I have no idea what I will do with this knowledge, but it’s interesting enough that I kind of wanted to have it engrained in my mind

Capturing

For a while, the regret I had with using Twitter was that I would be reading a lot of great content and advice, but it would be fleeting. For every 100 tweets I read, maybe I would remember 1. 

So, over the past year, when I find individual tweets that contain interesting ideas on specific topics that I want to come back to, I move them over to Evernote and tag them so that I can easily find and return to them. In my case, most of these tweets and tags are related to company building functions (marketing, hiring, etc.)

My most used Evernote file is one called “Startup Tweets” and it has sections like “Choosing a Founding Team”, “Culture”, “Sales/Marketing” and under each there are tweets I’ve seen with interesting tidbits of advice or ideas.

Some that I have cataloged that I come back to often:

On radical transparency (link)

Thinking about startup culture as a set of sliders (link)

BigCos and distribution (link)

How I Use Other Social Networks

I use other social media platforms pretty scarcely.

Facebook and LinkedIn are both utilities to me. LinkedIn acts as my online resume and a way to be notified when friends move roles. Facebook is for being reminded of people’s birthdays and the groups features. On Facebook my newsfeed is completely blank because I went in and unfollowed every group and person I am friends with on Facebook. This was so that I never get distracted by the Facebook newsfeed when I go to check birthdays. I learned afterward that there are also Chrome extensions that do this. I still like my method best because even though it took ~2 hours upfront, it’s basically impossible to walk the decision back, whereas it is easy to disable a chrome extension.

Instagram I recently made while I was living in Asia because I was taking a lot of cool pictures that I wanted to easily share with friends and family. I do not follow anyone on Instagram for the same reason as blank newsfeed on Facebook…. I don’t need more distractions.

Oddly, my 2nd most used social network is probably WeChat. They have a feature called “Moments” which is like a Twitter feed among your contacts. From my time living and working in Asia, I have a lot of friends where Moments is their primary posting channel.

[justscreamingnothing]

Friends

What bothers me about the current state of my friendships is that I don’t really feel like I have anyone I’m very close to. I’m grateful for the friends I have but I just wish I had a really close group of friends I could completely be myself with. I love z** but theres a big part of my life that he just doesn’t know and he wont know because we don’t live close to each other and don’t really know certain parts of each others lives because of this. I wish we could be more involved in each others lives but theres just something about someone being so far away, I would feel like a burden if I had to contact him for something. Even like, emotional support or something. And then the irl friends I have are just too judgmental as people. Like ok, tbh they’ve helped me out in a lot of aspects, like getting a car or driving me around when I didn’t have a car, or that whole thing helping out my little brother with college stuff but I wish they weren’t so finnicky and judgmental, its almost like I’m trying to impress someone very important at every fucking turn. The dynamic of the “group” is actually really fucked up in general, we have alyssa, who is at the top by default because I was friends with her first and she is the one who assembled us (i guess?) so everyone always listens to her and does what she does. But for no reason! I don’t get it but its like everyone is always afraid to go against what she says or what she does or what she wants. Her bf is such a nice and sweet guy but GOD do I wish he’d just stand up for himself more, he follows her around like a little puppy dog and does literally ANYTHING she wants. He’s a great person and one of my closest friends but I wish he had more of a backbone. She could tell him to go to the keys and pick up some food from some restaurant she really wants because they make the food the way she likes it and he’d do it!! just like that!! Actually that reminds me of a real life situation where she made him go one town over to get a burger and they forgot her fries so she asked him to go back in 5pm traffic on the busy ass highway..... He did it but he called her halfway there asking if he could just go to mcdonalds to get her fries  because the traffic was too crazy. That was like one of the first times he every stood up for himself and even then it wasn’t that like triumphant. And she had the AUDACITY to get mad at him because he wouldn’t go back for the fries... Another friend of ours is mainly her friend, like we wouldn’t talk if she hadn’t kept in contact with him but we don’t really go out with him too often. He’s also sweet and fun, there’s just that same disconnect there because I don’t talk to him much and there are details of his life I don’t know. I’m glad he’s his own person though, he has an entire life outside of us and while like obviously he does because why wouldn’t he, it makes me happy. 

I guess one of her biggest problems is that she truly does believe the world revolves around her. And honestly? The people she keeps around help support her theory because they constantly kiss her ass. Except her mother who just chooses to be emotionally manipulative sometimes but everyone else is literally up her ass and when someone challenges that she has a break down. It’s kind of ridiculous to see how she interacts with the world and to examine all the things she does for attention. She had this friend one time that was like a cool normal girl and something happened so they stopped talking and she made a big deal out of it saying that the girl did all this shit (that honestly I can’t remember) but despite all that to this day I am convinced that the other girl was in the right and probably better off not being friends with her anymore. I’m honestly relieved that she moved away because I literally cannot imagine having her here all the time. Even when we hung out last night there were just parts of it that were stressful. Like, why can’t I have a group of friends that like to have fun and sing in the car instead of ones that constantly tease and put you down? Its just a song, fucking relax and sing along theres no need to be like “ugh -_- are you really doing this right now?” Youre not cool funny or smart... fucking drop the act. In general I would just like to be around people that support me, not just tolerate me. That’s how it feels I guess, that people are tolerating me. It’s uncomfortable and sad and I just want a few friends I can be emotionally open with. The group I have now, we’ve known each other a while and in a way, we are really close, but there are certain things I won’t bring up because I know that they’ll either 1. tease me about it when what I need is reassurance 2. not have empathy 3. not even try to sympathize. That’s so awful! I feel like I try to be a good friend and I’m not seeing that reflected back to me. 

It’s lame to see people be like “i made this one mistake years ago and if that ONE THING wouldn’t have happened my life would be completely different and perfect:(” because there’s a lot more to life than that but I wish I never would have become friends with this girl. I truly don’t know what my life would look like because its not like it would have changed where I went to college or anything but maybe I would have made different friends and been a happier person. You never know, maybe I wouldn’t have made any other friends and I’d be miserable right now but I think I would have been better off as far as my self esteem goes. I don’t know why I never had the confidence in high school to just stop being this girls friend because obviously she’s a very self absorbed, jealous, and judgmental person and that’s never good to be around but I really should have just said “wow you’re not that great... i’m gonna stop hanging out with you, bye!” I think it speaks more about me and my incessant need to be liked by everyone and be perceived as a likable and cool person that I kept holding on to this friendship. I think that’s a prime piece of advice I’d give my past self, just be genuine and confident and hang out with people who will give you what you give them. In terms of my self esteem, I don’t know how I’d feel if we weren’t friends but being friends with this girl for such a long time was definitely not good for me. I seriously get so pissed off just thinking about all the shit she gives me and other people when they don’t fit her definition of “good” or “normal” oh- and you can’t tell her nothing!! Another awful trait about her is that you legitimately can’t have a conversation with her about her flaws because she’d do what she does best- deny, deny, deny. She would literally just refuse to listen, which she’s done before. One of my biggest pet peeves is people who have to be right all the time, and that’s this girl. She can never be wrong and you can never go against what she’s saying. She is convinced that every word out of her mouth is one hundred percent right and her mind won’t change unless you can provide at least three pieces of concrete solid evidence. One time she told everyone that 75% of homeless people have a mental disability... when I told her that there’s no way thats true not only did she not believe me but she actually got mad at me... I looked it up on my phone, proved her wrong, and then she completely ignored it and me for like a few hours. Who does that?? Just admit you’re wrong! It’s that simple! It’s really not gonna be as embarrassing as you think! And even if it is WHO THE FUCK CARES?? This was the day after she kept trying to wake me up in the car while wee were taking a long drive with the rest of the group because she thought it’d be funny even though I had just worked an 8 hour shift and I was trying to get some rest. God forbid someone ever try to wake HER up, she’d have a fucking fit and ruin the rest of the trip for everyone by being a bossy bitch (well bossiER and bitchiER) and no one would be able to tell her anything about it because again- they all kiss her ass. But when it’s me its fine to keep trying to wake me up to be funny? 

I can’t believe this turned into a long ass rant about this girl but our relationship is so toxic and awful and I just can’t seem to fucking shake her so I guess I have a lot of feelings. It might also have to do with the fact that last night I had a dream that I told her off and just went in on her on what a horrible person she is sometimes and she took it relatively well. She didn’t like fake a panic attack or insult me therefore completely missing the point or anything. Now that I’m typing it out it sucks to see what I expect from her. And she’s given me no reason NOT to expect shit like this from her. It’s funny to think I thought I missed her a few months ago. I was like legit sad because something happened and I just wanted someone to talk to but then I realized- I just wanted a friend. Not her specifically, but a best friend in general. I want someone to be completely vulnerable with, someone that I’m not afraid to talk to, to show all my sides to because I know they will take me seriously. Someone who’ll listen when I talk, which I am sorely lacking. I guess the best listener I have in my life right now is my little brother and he has his own life and friends and he’ll be going off to college soon so that’s a bust. I’ so grateful for the time I have with him but I need someone who’ll be there for me. I guess that’s why I’m so into the idea of moving because I’m so convinced it’ll solve my problems and even if it doesn’t it’ll at least be a change of pace and some desperately needed time away from my parents. That’s something little miss queen got to do- move away from her old life completely and go somewhere that not only is she alone but she doesn’t have to worry about how people perceive her because she can just pretend she’s someone else (she does that sometimes) and her dumbfuck little sugar daddy is paying for it all (as well as school loans- because THAT’S a good idea!) they’re both dumbfucks I guess so it’s fitting. I’m not jealous of her life but I am a little jealous she was able to do all of that so quickly. Don’t get me wrong, she’s making a lot of astronomically stupid financial decisions but sometimes I do wish I could just run away and leave it all behind also. 

The thing is I got a taste of what that would be like when I left the country and it breaks my heart that I’m no longer friends with the girls I roomed with. We got so close on that trip- it really felt like we could talk about anything, we would talk and talk and talk all day and not get tired of each other. And the best part was that they had no preconceived notion of who I was. No one “expected” me to act a certain way (giant pet peeve!) and everyone took me seriously because they had no reason not to. Because that’s just how you’re supposed to treat people. They didn’t laugh at me or brush off what I was saying or blatantly not respond when I was talking to them- we just interacted as people and you know what? Now that I think about it from what I’ve gathered they told me I was really nice and funny and was able to make friends easily so I think that’s how I come off when no one knows me because they don’t already expect me to act a certain way. It’s such a relief too. I can say what I want to say and I act and react the way I want to without fear of repercussion, without fear of being made fun of or ignored. GOD I was in such a bad place with my friends!! Why have I supported this for so many years? Its not 100% like this now but for a while I really felt so small, so afraid to speak up for myself in my LITERAL GROUP OF FRIENDS. The ones you’re supposed to be able to trust the most!!! I’m glad I’ve stepped away a little and even though I’ve been a little lonely typing this all out has reminded me that I’m making the right decision. I’m just ready to make a new life with people I can trust and be completely comfortable with.

I’m a fully formed person- I have opinions and ideas and flaws and quirks and attributes. I’m not afraid of being wrong or not knowing. I’m not afraid of being honest and genuine. I like to help people, to be nice, and to crack jokes. I like it when other people are happy. I wish everyone in the world was good and kind and compassionate and that we could all be happy all the time. I wish people lived as good as I do, I wish I lived better than I do. I can’t take it when the news are sad or when a character dies on tv. I don’t like watching things that are too emotionally heavy for fear it’ll make me sad. I wish I could be more than what I am. But here I am. Fully formed, heart full, head spinning, fingers crossed, nerves on end, smiling wide. I wish everything and everyone was good and we could all just do what we love while we live on and cherish God’s green Earth. That’s not the way it is but that’s the way it should be. Here I am, existing at this point in time in the intersection of all of these identities. I don’t know what will happen but all I can do is try my best. Try my best to succeed, to love, to be kind, to not be judgmental, to listen, to laugh, to learn, to continue to exist. Because I am a fully formed person, and I deserve love.