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queer-crusader · 4 years

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Okay update on my life since it seems talking about it doesn’t trigger another panic attack/breakdown:

So i graduated in july right

And with the end of uni, my student funding ends too

So i look for a job bc i cannot sustain myself otherwise

Except the economy is shit, because the UK is handling the pandemic almost worse than any other country in the world (we love that)

Knowing i’ll need some financial support to tie me over, i apply to universal credit

I also know my roommate, who i’ve lived with for 5 years, is moving out in october, and i will need to find someone to replace her or i end up paying £1000/month for living in this flat, which i don’t have of course

Job search becomes more frantic and exhausting and stressful

Also my dad started throwing up at some point and is eating less and is very specific about not upsetting his stomach. This is strange because he is known for his iron stomach and has not thrown up in years. I know my family history, i have my suspicions, but the doctor says it could be an ulcer. It could be fine, but my brain jumps to the worst-case scenario, because why wouldn’t it? More stress

Universal credit gets back to me - application denied

I think, hey, the category they filed me under seems wrong, i should be a habitual resident, not an EEA jobseeker, because i’ve lived here 6 years now. So i apply for an appeal, explaining the situation

Few weeks later, i receive a letter. Appeal rejected. It goes into detail how some rule that was set up in 2016 (Brexit year) lists all the reasons why just living here for 6 years, building up contacts, creating a future, feeling at home, being allowed to vote for Scottish parliament elections, is not good enough. Every sentence is like a punch in the gut. The letter boils down to fancy government words that translate to “you’re a freeloading immigrant who, according to our records, might as well be living in Fiji, and we’re giving you fuck all. Good luck surviving”

Full-blown breakdown ensues, because I’ve been fearing this ever since i arrived but was told by EVERYONE that that fear is ridiculous. I fit in, i belong, i sound English, i’m fluent, i’m passionate and well-educated about local politics, etc. I knew it wouldn’t be good enough. Race doesn’t matter; I’m European, and for the UK government, that’s good enough.

Anyway, cue the next day, and my mum phones me with news

My dad is in hospital. Turns out i was right - bowel cancer. He’s going into emergency surgery the very next day to get a tumour removed

I don’t sleep that night, for obvious reasons

Dad comes out of surgery fine, they got the whole thing, took some extra tests to see if it spread but it’s looking good so far. Meanwhile i have images of my dad, skinny as hell and with a tube up his nose seared into my brain

I fly home two days later to be with my family, who obviously need me

My dad is cleared of cancer, which is AWESOME, but we do learn that if the doctors had waited a couple days longer he could have had a perforated bowel. My mum is furious with the GP who underestimated the case

I get in touch with my landlady, saying “hey, this is my life right now, i am not in a position to search for a roommate replacement. Here’s the pics we took of the flat, can you look yourself? Also, if i don’t find a job by the end of the month, I may have to move out as well due to financial struggles, so keep in mind there’s a chance you’re going to have to look for two new tenants”

Landlady’s reply: “oh i can’t afford for the flat to be empty so i’m gonna sell it now”

So now i don’t even have an option of keeping the flat. I’ll have to move out, job or not. I can’t afford a new flat, and i can’t look for one bc a) pandemic and b) im in another country looking after my recovering dad (who is still losing weight btw, 15kg or 30-something lbs or 2.5 stone in a month, it’s horrible to see but at least he’s feeling a little better each day)

If i lose my flat, i may not be able to get a UK job. If i don’t get a UK job, chances are, i can not return to Scotland

6 years of living here, of building friendships, contacts and connections, skills for a career (which is also down the drain - theatre, an industry that is currently being killed by a lovely combo of the UK govt and the pandemic), a home, a love for the county, an intimate knowledge of the workings here, the language, the system, the stories, the history, i almost know the system here better than the Dutch one - my entire adult life. I may lose.

There is a chance i’ll be able to cling on, and god im fighting for it with the few spoons i have after all this stress, but the chance of me losing everything is equally plausible.

I have now flown back to Scotland where I put myself in self-isolation

In a week, my roommate will have moved out and i have 10 or so days left stuck in this place all by myself

I will spend this time packing up all my belongings, choosing what to take back to my parents’ place with me and what to put into storage, which i will pay for with my remaining savings and some financial support from the parents (they can’t afford much tho, my mum is unemployed and on benefits and my dad is a freelancer recovering from fucking surgery. I have no idea what their financial situation is right now, but apparently they’re okay-ish with their savings. Still, stress, and i don’t wanna burden them even more)

Then there’s the hope that the lockdown won’t have regressed back to that point where every plane is cancelled, and i’m stuck in this country without a place to call my home. (Don’t worry, i won’t end up on the street if this happens, I have friends willing to shelter me until i can fly home if they have to)

And once i’ve left, it’s only a question of when, and more promenently if, I’ll be able to return here, to Scotland.

I have never been this stressed, and i have never been this terrified. I am angry all the time (yes you can read that in Zuko’s voice lmao), I’m exhausted, and i’m fuelled by spite against prime minister Blow-Job and sheer stubbornness in refusing to feel like shit, because i just can’t be bothered with that. I just about manage to get through the day, to get up at a reasonable time, to feed myself, to shower, to exercise (because if i don’t, my wonky hip will give me hell and i’ll be in agony on top of my depression and anxiety. We love functioning bodies). But I’ll be okay. I’m trying to find solutions for everything, one step at a time. I’m taking care of myself the best i can. And if you wonder where my writing updates are, or my shitposts, or my ridiculously excited tags, then firstly, thank you for noticing ohmygod i love you, and secondly, know that i’ll be back. If God exists, know im kicking their ass. Fuck all this bullshit, my life is a mess but i REFUSE to let it stop me in my tracks. I’m too powerful, i am Brian David Gilbert’s interpretation of Sonic (either a god or can kill god and it doesn’t matter which). I’m gonna keep on truckin.

#anne speaks #long post #tw cancer #tw weight mention #tw anxiety #tw depression #ya know #all the good stuff

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tinkdw · 7 years

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Do you think Dean has BPD? I love your stuff btw, I hope your day is going alright.

Hi Thank you! :D

I’ve put this under the cut as this may be triggering for some people as I talk about mental health. Also, I want to caveat that I am not a mental health worker, this is just my random person’s opinion on the show, nothing to do with any kind of real psychological analysis of any real person.

Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a personality disorder that typically includes the following symptoms:

Inappropriate or extreme emotional reactions

Highly impulsive behaviors

A history of unstable relationships

Intense mood swings, impulsive behaviors, and extreme reactions can make it difficult for people with borderline personality disorder to complete schooling, maintain stable jobs and have long-lasting, healthy relationships.

Symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder

Borderline personality disorder symptoms vary from person to person and women are more likely to have this disorder than men. Common symptoms of the disorder include the following:

Having an unstable or dysfunctional self-image or a distorted sense of self

Feelings of isolation, boredom and emptiness

Difficulty feeling empathy for others

A history of unstable relationships that can change drastically from intense love and idealization to intense hate

A persistent fear of abandonment and rejection, including extreme emotional reactions to real and even perceived abandonment

Intense, highly changeable moods that can last for several days or for just a few hours

Strong feelings of anxiety, worry and depression

Impulsive, risky, self-destructive and dangerous behaviors, including reckless driving, drug or alcohol abuse and having unsafe sex

Hostility

Unstable career plans, goals and aspirations

One of the ironies of this disorder is that people with BPD may crave closeness, but their intense and unstable emotional responses tend to alienate others, causing long-term feelings of isolation.

To be honest as much as I understand the idea because many of these can easily be attributed to Dean, this is very similar to the aromantic Dean reading for me. It’s surface level and doesn’t take into account the reasons why.

I do not think Dean has BPD or is aromantic.

I’ve seen a few ‘disorders’ or sexualities and readings attributed to Dean in my time here but often I’ve felt that they ignore a lot of canon and reasons why the ‘symptoms’ of said disorder or reading are present in the show. IMO reading these things relies on the basis of a person’s life being relatively stable or “normal” in the first place. In Dean’s case this is not true at all.

Dean’s life is so severely messed up that attributing any of these to him and saying it’s due to a disorder or a sexuality/personality reading is actually I think really reductive and omits the implications of his life story because it’s due to his life and upbringing that these things are present, not a ‘disorder’ etc.

In the same was as I read Dean as absolutely totally head over heels romantic and hugely repressed and NOT aromantic at all (the aromantic reading is one of the few things that I get pretty worked up about tbh! For me it’s so severely missing the point and reading the surface level text, I would never go on someones post or headcanon of aromantic Dean and argue against it but on my own blog I really really have strong feelings about it).

So similarly I read these symptoms of BPD and think yeah on the surface they are applicable to Dean, HOWEVER… these are also things that make total sense to someone who has had a life as messed up as Dean.

I also don’t think he often has inappropriate or extreme emotional reactions or impulsive behaviours that are not 100% valid? There’s always a valid reason why he feels the way he does or does the things he does. It’s not out of nowhere. Yes he’s highly emotional, probably one of the most emotionally driven characters I’ve seen on TV, but that doesn’t make this a disorder.

If Dean had an apple pie life he wouldn’t display these apparent BPD symptoms, IMO. Therefore it’s not about him having a disorder but the environment we was brought up in. Same as the romantic thing, if he hadn’t had his upbringing, feel like he was poison, struggle with his sexuality, thinking he can’t have a relationship because he will only ruin that person, he would be the biggest sap and romantic guy you’ve ever met.

I mean he IS romantic, he was with Lisa, even with his one night stands he’s kind and caring and CRAVES affection, he is such a giver and… yeah he is totally not aromantic (and that’s coming from me, who believes I am on the spectrum of aromantic, so I feel like I know what this entails, I wish I craved affection and to be touched and cuddled as much as Dean does, my husband sure does!). So similarly I don’t believe he’s got a personality disorder even though I absolutely see this can be attributed to Dean.

For me, they’ve written Dean as having these symptoms for sure, these are nearly all things that are applicable to Dean (lack of empathy definitely isn’t). BUT I believe that in the long run these will not be applicable to Dean.

He will grow out of these things and with BPD you don’t I believe grow out of it, you manage the symptoms. For Dean however it’s not an illness or a lifelong disorder that just needs to be managed, it’s a side effect of a terrible upbringing which is something he can get past. IMO they are not symptoms of a personality disorder that he’ll have for life but symptoms of his life so far that has led him to have severe emotional and psychological issues, BUT he is working on them and once the reasons why these issues exist in the first place are addressed he should be “freed” of them. Ie. facing his mom and dad and his childhood in the last season and the season to come.

Does that make sense? Basically I take Dean out of his current situation into a different environment and think would he be the same, is it inherent or a factor of his upbringing and for me it's not inherent.

So yeah, I totally understand the reading but IMO it’s not that he has BPD, just that the show is using those symptoms in the writing of Dean to show his struggles, but they will be struggles that he will get past.

#dean x bpd #dean winchester #dean sublimation winchester #daddy issues #season who we are 13 #endgame positive #Anonymous

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aucklandmed · 7 years

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Keep calm and move on from UMAT

So UMAT came out recently and some of you may not have gotten the result you wanted. Regardless of whether it was a 0-20th% or anything else, if you feel bad about your results, please take the time to read this post. I’m trying to help. I hope that I can, even just a little bit.

My summary of this post is:

1. Motivation and some small pieces of advice

2. Story time

3. What now?

4. What about later?

Before you leave this post, please read my post on dealing with bad grades. I wrote this after semester 1 results came out and I think it was helpful and is still applicable now to UMAT results.

http://aucklandmed.tumblr.com/post/162816784342/dont-let-bad-grades-get-to-you

Motivation and small pieces of advice

I purposefully said “small pieces of advice” because these are things you would have heard before. People don’t like hearing them (including myself) because they’re always easy to say when you’re feeling OK but if you can actually convince yourself to do these then they usually work. The hardest part is doing them.

Don’t (try not to) mope and beat yourself up. This will only distract you from studying and stop you from doing your best in other subjects. You won’t be doing anyone, especially yourself, any favours by being sad and making yourself feel worse. I say this with flashbacks to when I got bad grades and I would sit in my room, probably listening to sad songs and reading sad stories, making myself feel worse. Didn’t really help me but oh my god it was so tempting to do every other time I felt bad. Mourn for a bit, plan a list of actionable goals to prevent it from happening again. Real failure is when you give up. Never give up. You can’t change the past but you can change the future. More on this in the 3rd section

A bad grade really is only a bad grade. It doesn’t mean you’re worthless or have failed as a person.

Stay away from alcohol and drugs.

Sit in the sun without doing anything. I know it’s overcast in Auckland now but maybe tomorrow it will be sunny. Feel the heat of the rays hit your skin, think about how far that sunlight travelled to reach you.

Walk barefoot and feel the grass on your feet. Feel the sand, feel the carpet, feel the wooden floors.

Look up at the stars and the moon, understand how small we all are and how immense the universe is, realise what a miracle everything is, let your heart swell with amazement and admiration for life itself.

Remind yourself that everybody makes mistakes at times. You’ve grown and you’ve changed so much this year. If you’re going to think about the past, include your achievements too. We’re very good at beating ourselves up over our failures but not so good at realising our achievements.

Identify the lies you tell yourself and work on changing them so they’re more accurate and true. Don’t reinforce those lies by acting like you think they’re true. Feelings are not the same as facts. Don’t live based on those feelings because that will keep you trapped.

Remember why you’re here. Remember that your UMAT score isn’t everything. You know who’s gonna care about your UMAT score in the hospital? No one.

Story time

This will be a short paragraph but believe it or not, there are several people in 2nd year who got 0-20th percentile in UMAT. And I’d suggest you believe it because I really have no reason to lie to you. If there are people with those results in second year, they’re in other years as well. If they’re in other years, guess what: there are doctors with those results. I’m guessing they were also bummed out by their result but I’m also guessing they somehow decided to fight through it and take on the rest of the year and try to smash their exams and the interview.

I won’t sit here and tell you that “UMAT doesn’t matter”. The truth is I don’t know. No one knows. The general advice is “Do your best in UMAT but if your score isn’t good then oh well. Focus on the interview and core papers”. So that’s pretty much a TLDR of this whole post. But there’s more.

Don’t give up now. You’re so close. You’ve studied and cried and yelled your way to ¾ of premed and you’re almost there. The occasional sunny days remind you that summer is coming and it feels like it’s almost over. But it’s not. You’ve still got 40% of your med entry score to go. That’s one core paper (15%) and the interview (25%). Honestly, that’s a lot. It’s over a third of your application. Don’t give up now because you can turn this around for yourself. You’re probably on the right track and you’re just upset about your UMAT score. THAT’S FINE. But please don’t give up, you will get there, one way or another.

What now?

You have your medsci 142 test 1 coming up! Now this is some important stuff, your last core paper and your first test. Do the mock test. Study for the test. Don’t let this get in the way of your preparation for the medsci test! It’s so important to not let your past affect your future. Don’t let this one bad result dishearten you and prevent you from progressing. It’s really really not worth it giving up on your dream because you were so sad about one test and then you didn’t put as much effort into the next one.

If you can, and I know it’s hard, try to not think about it. Study for medsci. Watch a movie. Read this post again. The sooner you stop beating yourself up about it, the sooner you can get back to kicking ass and achieving your goals.

What about next time?

I always like to include a “what if it really doesn’t work out” point somewhere. Yeah, even if you really think that your UMAT is so bad that you can’t recover, I do advise you to keep going. Don’t give up. You never know. Seriously, you never know!

But if you do get to the end of this year, you get the bad news, know this: it’s not your last chance. I know this is difficult to listen to, I never wanted to hear it when I got rejected from med school but it’s really not your last chance at your dream. It wasn’t really until about halfway through 2nd year that I realised that it might actually work the second time and that that’s okay. It’s okay to not believe me either. But please don’t give up. Try to carry on and you will come to realise it too. It’s not the end of the world. If you really want to be a doctor and you’re prepared to put time and effort into it, I promise you will find a way. It may not be the easiest way and it may not be right now but it will happen.

If you’re particularly worried about UMAT, then know that you can improve the score. I am living proof of that and so are many other people. Here’s my last post about that.

http://aucklandmed.tumblr.com/post/162931914377/how-i-prepared-for-umat

This isn’t here to make you feel bad about how you prepared BTW, this is just showing you that if you really don’t think you’ll make it this year (but you’ll keep trying anyway because you are better than that and you’re strong), there is help. I’m here for you. I’m here to tell you everything I can to make it a little bit easier because I know what it’s like to struggle in first year, not get in and feel like crap because it’s my life’s dream. It’s not the end of the world and you’re not alone.

As always, if you need someone to talk to, flick me a message either here or on FB. It doesn’t matter whether it’s about UMAT or premed stress, I’m here for you.

If you’d like, here is a link to a post about a website where people publish their grades and UMAT scores and whether they got into med or not. Might be helpful, might be useless. Up to you.

http://aucklandmed.tumblr.com/post/163839823217/what-are-my-chances

#me #umat #advice

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ultimatestudyabroad · 4 years

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This Sucks

Note – I wrote this in November and December, when I was at a particularly low point in my job searching despair (there have been several, including now). I didn’t publish it at the time because I felt it wouldn’t be good to have this in the public domain while I was still looking for a job, but since coronavirus has paused all job searches and it seems I will never again have gainful employment, I figure, what the hell? Maybe it will be cathartic to get my frustration out into the universe.

My happiness from a year ago feels like a dream. Facebook reminds me that a year ago I was on a mini-holiday in Port Douglas with friends, marking essays for the class I was teaching in between snorkeling sessions and gin and tonics. My day-to-day life was luxuriously full of reading and writing; my weekends full of concerts and shows, trips to the beach, and dinners with friends. And though my financial subsistence was meagre, I had regular income and I had established a budget that allowed me to live without worrying about money all that often. And above all, I felt like the best, happiest version of myself. This was a life I had intentionally built for myself through meticulous planning and more than a bit of luck. It was everything I had ever hoped it would be.

That luck has run out. From the beginning, I knew that my life in Australia was but temporary and, if you read this blog regularly, you know that I was very concerned with whether, upon return to the U.S., I’d be able to build a better life there than I had had before Australia. Certainly not as happy as I was in Sydney, but hopefully happier than before I left. Instead, I have no life. Four-and-a-half months since I’ve returned to the U.S. (now 11 months) and a full nine months since my first administrative job application was submitted (now 15), I still have no job and no immediate job prospects. Applications are out, sure, but the hiring process in higher ed usually takes months (and now it is non-existent because of coronavirus). The money I so carefully saved throughout my time in Sydney for this period of transition is gone. I’m still relying on the kindness of friends and family to house me and Hibby. I have no job, I have no steady income, I have no home, I have no future, and I have absolutely no idea when (or if) it will ever end.

Now, before people start thinking to themselves, “the academic job market is brutal” or “it took me years to get an academic job,” I want to be clear that I am not searching for an academic job. I made an attempt at the academic job market in the (northern hemisphere) fall of 2018, applying for about 15 postdocs, short-term though multi-year teaching gigs, and tenure-track positions. My expectations were low, so I was not really surprised when absolutely nothing came of these.

So, when February 2019 rolled around and the thesis due date drew near, I turned my attention to what had been my realistic plan all along: re-enter my former career in higher ed administration. Given my decade-plus experience in the field and wealth of contacts, I didn’t think this would be too terribly difficult. I knew that job searches in higher ed take forever and I had saved accordingly. I also knew that mid-level jobs (in between entry-level and assistant vice provost level) are harder to come by, but I was/am willing to be flexible geographically. (For crying out loud, I applied to two jobs at the University of Wisconsin! I would freeze my ass off there!) But, I never in my wildest dreams imagined it would possibly take this long.

It’s not that I’m directionless, a young professional trying to find her niche; I know exactly what my field is. It’s not that I’m being too choosy; I’ve applied for 60 admin jobs. It’s not that I’m choosing inappropriate jobs for my experience; I’ve had phone interviews for over a third of the jobs I’ve applied for. I’ve been a finalist for two jobs (neither one of which I got, obviously). My application materials are good. I’ve been to this rodeo a number of times before; I know how to do this. Still nothing…

I have friends who try to offer explanations and, while I know and appreciate that they’re trying to be supportive, their explanations don’t help because they, much like the process itself, are nonsensical and contradictory. I’ve been told, “it’s all in who you know.” Well, again, I fucking know everyone at Duke and, after nine applications there, I’ve only had two phone interviews! I’ve been told, “you have to leave Duke and come back to work your way up.” Silly me, I thought moving to the other side of the planet for 3.5 years was leaving Duke. I’ve been told that my PhD is holding me back, never mind the fact that many of the jobs I’ve applied for are PhD-preferred or -required. And never mind the fact that a big part of the reason I decided to do the PhD in the first place (even though I had my eyes wide open about the state of the academic job market) was because I was told again and again that I would need a PhD to advance much past my former position. In fact, my former position was PhD-preferred. I was the only one on the team without a PhD and I had to endure all sorts of snide comments about “non-intellectuals” (to be clear, not from my colleagues but from higher administrators and faculty). Since I wanted to do the PhD anyway, just for myself, I decided to go for it. Not having the PhD held me back, but apparently having it also holds me back?

Well, you see, one helpful explanation goes, I chose to do an academic PhD, in a discipline as opposed to an EdD or PhD in higher ed. What the fuck? First, I sat on several hiring committees in my last job in which people with higher ed degrees were sneered at. Secondly, I chose a discipline because that’s the subject that interested me enough to devote three years of my life to it. I love working with undergraduates, but I don’t want to study the little bastards! Oh, but don’t you see, since you have an academic PhD, hiring managers will assume you’re not serious about the role and will leave as soon as you get an academic job. FFFUUUUUUCCKKK MMMMEEEEE! That’s not going to happen! There aren’t any academic jobs!

As much as I want to dismiss this no-win point of view on the PhD, I know that, at least at times, it’s completely true. People in administration seem completely oblivious to the casualization crisis in academia. This blows my mind, since we all work in the same damn industry. Even so, I’m prepared for the “why did you do a PhD” question and have my polished (and completely honest!) answer prepared. And that was the verbal answer I gave to one particularly annoying iteration of that question, but my mental response was quite a bit different. The question was posed along the lines of, “I see you just got a PhD. I want to make sure you understand that this is not a teaching job.” The polished answer came out of my mouth while the snarky, bitchy, fed-up Mel voice in the back of my mind responded, “Yes, I know that. Because 1. I can fucking read. 2. I wrote a whole cover letter which demonstrated I knew exactly what the job is. And 3. There are no teaching jobs!”

I feel frustrated even when talking to people who support me. The frustration brought on by hiring managers is exponentially worse. If you follow me on Twitter, you’ve seen a number of frustrated tweets about the lack of follow up after interviews. Of that one-third of the jobs I’ve applied for in which I’ve had phone interviews, only THREE hiring managers have done me the courtesy of emailing me to let me know I was not advancing to an in-person interview. One school didn’t send me my generic rejection email until eight months after my phone interview. Two places I had phone interviews (both in 2019) still haven’t contacted me at all. Now, reader, don’t give me any bullshit about the number of applications received for the average job or how busy everyone is. I’m not complaining about the mass rejection email from HR I get for jobs I don’t get an interview for. I’m talking about a hiring committee doing 6-7 phone interviews and inviting three of those people to campus for an in-person interview while never bothering to send 3-4 emails to the other interviewees! It does not take much time to send 3-4 identical emails that say, “Thank you for speaking with us last week about the position. Unfortunately, you were not selected for an in-person interview, but we wish you the best of luck in your search.” See? I just did it! That took like 30 seconds! By November, I was over this shit. Two weeks after a phone interview, I sent a polite email asking for a status update. Which was completely ignored! On what planet is that acceptable?

Here’s another little lesson in human decency for hiring managers: don’t call people’s references unless you plan to offer them the job. Because when someone’s references are contacted, they assume they’re about to get a job offer. Those two jobs I was a finalist for? They were at the same school and they contacted my references twice. Same people, 1.5 months apart! If you feel so compelled to call references on multiple people, be transparent. Send an email to the candidates saying , “FYI - we’re checking references on both of our finalists.” (And btw, where are you getting all this time to make all these phone calls, anyway? I thought you didn’t have time to send 3-4 emails to the rejected phone interview candidates!)

Piled on top of my frustration, despair, rapidly eroding self-esteem, and bank account anxiety is guilt. Guilt over being annoyed with my friends who are incapable of cheering me up in the face of a hopeless situation. Guilt over assuring undergrads in my temp advising job that they will be able to find jobs after they graduate (I know it’s my job to calm them down, but seriously, how hypocritical can I possibly be?!). Guilt over that panel on non-academic jobs I organized at the 2018 AHA. The one where I told everyone that administration jobs are rewarding and realistic. Ha! If I, with all my experience, can’t find a job, can a newly minted PhD in his/her mid-late 20s who went straight from undergrad to grad school really expect to find one? Without being dismissed as only wanting an academic job? I apologize to all the folks at that panel. Your post-grad rep (unwittingly) lied to you!

I am obviously in a very dark place right now. That’s not to say I regret doing my PhD. Not at all. Not for a moment. This was the best three years of my life. I’m proud of the research I did. I am an infinitely better person than I was four years ago. But someone just needs to give me a fucking job.

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enlit12ww · 6 years

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Congratulations! You have a new match!

This is the third time I have read the same six words today. I just turned 20 yesterday and yet I still haven’t engaged in a romantic relationship. It’s not that no guy has ever tried making a move. In fact, I can’t even count the number of men I rejected in the past. It’s just every guy I meet doesn’t fit my type. Some were too lanky, others lacked definition, and most looked unappealing.

This is why I recently signed up on Tinder[1], the ever-so famous dating app[2], hoping to finally see the one. With a single swipe[3], I can easily snatch any good-looking guy. But then most of the time, the attractive men were either tactless, rude or even worse, vulgar.

“Could be just another troll[4]”, I muttered under my breath as the sound of the ping[5] didn’t excite me as much anymore.

Lam-Ang, 22, Manila. Hello! I am awfully new to Tinder, so I apologize to the people I accidentally swiped right on!

I found myself giggling as I read over his bio[6]. I’d love a humorous man. However, the real deal lies on this random stranger’s photos. Why were there only two? Perhaps, he still wasn’t familiar with the app. Lam-Ang’s only photos were him smiling with a dog by the beach and him on top of a mountain. Well, I couldn’t see his face on the second photo, but from the first one, my jaw instantly dropped. Lam-Ang was probably over six feet tall. He had broad shoulders and a chiseled jaw. His furrowed eyebrows were offset by the boyish grin he had painted on his face. He was gorgeous.

“Very charming… Well, here goes nothing”, I sighed as I had my fingers crossed while staring at the three dots[7] on our empty conversation box.

Hello, Ines! Please know that I didn’t accidentally swipe right this time!

Hi! Oh, really now?

Yes. Btw[8], you can call me Lam.

How would I know you aren’t just being polite, Lam?

I swear I really am telling the truth.

You swear?

Yes. Trust me. Anyway, how’s your day going?

My day’s been pretty much normal. Nothing exciting. Hbu[9]?

Well, I’m still getting the hang of this Tinder thing. I never thought it would be this complicated.You’ll get the hang of it, don’t worry. I remember on my first day I unintentionally swiped right on a guy twice my age. It was sad because I didn’t know how to respectfully turn down his sugar daddy[10] offer.

Oh, damn. That’s unlucky.

I know I felt bad.

Not for him. For you! It’s not every day you get an offer like that.

WOW. Are you fr[11]?

I was kidding! Brb[12], Hayley stepped on a fork and now she’s crying.

Who’s Hayley?

Oh, Hayley’s my dog! The cute pup on my profile is her.

____________

Lam and I conversed day and night, for days and weeks. He was such a breath of fresh air. His charming personality added an intensity to his good looks which I absolutely admired. Our relationship was actually going way better than I expected, but the problem was that he would always be unavailable when I wanted to meet up or video chat. I was starting to become skeptical, so one day, I dropped the bomb[13].

Hey, Lam. Is there something wrong?

What do you mean? What made you say that?

It’s because you’d always start to slow-fade[14] whenever I try to initiate a video call or a meet up.

Hey, I don’t do that. I’m just really busy these past few days. I’ll make it up to you.

Okay, if that’s what you say. So, are you free Friday night?

Friday night? Er, I have a dinner with my friends.

But that’s what you said last week! Don’t you think it’s time for us to finally meet in person?

Alright, I’m sorry. Let’s meet up at that restaurant you love near your place.

Great! I can’t wait!

____________

It was Friday. The day I get to finally meet the man of my dreams. I put on my favorite red dress and arrived at my favorite restaurant just on time.

I scanned the bar for a guy wearing a white button-down. Finally, I see him seated at the farthest corner. From afar, I could already tell that he was skinnier than I expected. As I was walking towards him, I got confused. The guy wearing the white button-down was nowhere near the beautiful man I saw on Tinder. He was slim and angular, and his features were not as striking. Immediately, I turned around. Perhaps, that wasn’t him. I looked for another guy wearing a white button-down, but then to my surprise, someone tapped my shoulder.

It was him. The scrawny guy.

“Ines?”, he mentioned with a bashful and somewhat embarrassed tone.

“How do you know me? Who are you?”

“It’s me, Lam”, he answered and with that, I stormed out.

“No, you aren’t Lam. Lam is six feet tall with broad shoulders and a chiseled jaw. He is gorgeous, breathtaking even. He’s nothing like you!”, I said as my tone increased.

“This is me. I’m so sorry, Ines. This is why I didn’t want to meet up. I had a feeling you would react this way. I didn’t know how else to tell you because I really liked you and I thought telling you about the truth would just ruin everything”, he tried to explain.

“Well, you just did. I can’t believe you catfished[15] me!”, I retorted.

“Are you really this dense, Ines? I genuinely apologize for having to cover what I look like but do know that everything else was sincere. I really like you, but now that you think of it that way, I wouldn’t want to be in a relationship with someone who has superficial and hollow ideas of what love and beauty are”, Lam said as he walked away.

1 Tinder: Tinder is the world’s most popular app for meeting new people. It is a location-based social search mobile app that allows users to like (swipe right) or dislike (swipe left) other users, as well as permits users to chat if both parties swiped to the right. It is a platform commonly used by young adults ages 18 to 24 in order to engage in a sexual or romantic relationship.

2 App: App is short for the term application which means a downloadable software for a mobile device.

3 Swipe: Swiping is central to Tinder’s design. Users swipe right to “like” potential matches and swipe left to “dislike” or continue on searching for other potential matches.

4 Troll: An internet troll is someone who actively go out of their way to cause trouble on the internet. Their intent in engaging in social media platforms are commonly for disruptive and misleading purposes - often for no real reason at all.

5 Ping: A ping is the sound a mobile device makes whenever it receives a notification.

6 Bio: Bio is short for biography which is a space allotted for users to introduce themselves on the Internet.

7 Three dots: The three dots in an application refer to the opposite user typing a message.

8 Btw: An abbreviation for ‘by the way’

9 Hbu: An abbreviate for ‘how about you?’

10 Sugar daddy: A sugar daddy is a rich older man who lavishes gifts on a young woman in return for her company or sexual favors. An attractive young woman and a generous older man engaged in this type of relationship is termed as a sugar baby relationship.

11 Fr: An abbreviation for ‘for real’

12 Brb: An abbreviation for ‘be right back’

13 Drop the bomb: To drop the bomb is to do or say something very shocking and unexpected.

14 Slow-fade: Slow-fading is where a person slowly winds down contact with the other person he or she has been dating, leaving longer and longer between replies.

15 Catfishing: A catfish is someone who adopts a fictional online persona, particularly to lure someone into a relationship and to pursue deceptive online romances. Catfishers would often use fake profile pictures, names and even genders. The term “catfishing” gained popularity after the 2010 film Catfish. The movie is based on the story of a man named Yaniv Schulman who fell in love with a girl online who was actually using a fake identity.

#lit1 #18

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how to get a car insurance quote with arbells

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HIV testing is now covered under the affordable care act. I went to my ob/gyn for my pregnancy and he ordered hiv testing but I got a bill from the lab for the full cost of the test. ...show more

""Someone totaled my car, they don't have insurance...what's going to happen?""

I was driving straight down a one way with three friends in my car when a truck full out ran a stop sign and crashed into the front driver's side (i was driving) of my car. I'm pretty sure my car is totaled now. Anyways, a few hours after the accident I started getting neck pains. They got worse over the next two days, and I ended up going to the doctor who sent me to the ER for a CT scan and I have slipped vertebrae in my neck. Now yesterday we found out that the guy's whose car it was (a friend of his was driving, he wasn't in the car) doesn't have insurance on it. So what does this mean for my medical bills? Will this make the amount I get for my car lower? Will my insurance company raise my rates if they pay? (I have full coverage on a '98 VW Jetta)""

Should i be mad at my husband or his mother?

my husband gave his entire paycheck to his mother to pay her bills, She had a bunch of vet bills, her other sons (hes 30ish and has a job w/ insurance) medical bills, and a 1000.00 dollar tattoo, but couldnt pay her bills. our house payment was due and now i cant pay it cause he gave her all this money? also he chewed me out cause i started crying when he told me he did this. Help plese what should i do. p.s we have 3 small children that this could have helped out for food and stuff liek that.""

Can you have be under two car insurance companies at once?

My dad is considering in buying another car(ideally for me to use) but to avoid the high cost, he wants to be listed as primary driver to both. It seems that usually when youre under one company, I will most likely be forced to be primary on one of the vehicles. So would it be possible to be under two different car insurance companies so that my dad can be primary for both or would this be considered a type of fraud or something illegal?""

Will my insurance rates go up because of my dad's ticket?

My dad got a speeding ticket tonight. I am under my parents car insurance, but I still pay myself and they bill me directly, but because there are three cars under the policy it cost less for me and that is why I choose to be on their policy. I own my car. But will my premium go up now because of his speeding ticket?""

Can you get medical or medicade if you are pregnant and MARRIED?

My friend is married and pregnant but she recently lost her job and her insurance. Her husband is the sole provider and he makes 45,000 a year before taxes but she is not on his insurance. can she still get her pregnancy covered by a government program. We all live in California if that helps. Anyones stories would be greatly appreciated.""

Roommate Fell Off My Roof Will Homeowner Insurance Pay?

I asked roommate to put waterproof plastic on roof over-hang. He fell off roof and broke collar bone. We took him to ER. When he came home he needed more care then we could give him. He went to his cousins assisted-living hospital. He has Medicare and Medi-Cal, California. Will my homeowners insurance cover his unpaid bills? Can he sue for pain and suffering? Will insurance cancel my policy? He was been roommate for 3 years.""

""Where can I find affordable dental insurance, that I can use immediatleywith no waiting period???

Im in the State of VIRGINIA :)

Car insurance for 16 year old female?

I know I won't get exact on here, but about how much would car insurance cost for a 16 year old girl, I have good grades (I think that's a discount?), I took drivers Ed in the summer, and ill be driving my parents cars which is a Nissan pathfinder and a small Hyundai not sure what kind. About how much per month? Thanks!""

Do I need condo insurance in Florida?

As of Jan 1st 2009, our HOA requires us to show proof of insurance. I believe it is statue Section 718.111 (11). Anyways, I really don't have the money for condo insurance right now. I have read online that the HOA can purchase this insurance for me and then assess me for the balance. I recently moved to Port St Lucie, Fl where everyone is unemployed and foreclosures are so common. Anyways, can they place a lien if I do not provide them with proof of the insurance or will they just lay off for awhile? I appreciate any feedback right now as I am so worried. Thanks.""

Would a Dodge Ram Hemi truck increase my insurance costs?

I have a Jeep Patriot right now. The dodge ram 1500 is a 4X4, as well.""

How can life insurance be profitable for insurance companies?

How can personal life insurance actually make a profit for an insurer, when it is universal that any insured person will eventually die? Is it because insurance companies stop offering life insurance cover as soon as the person reaches a certain age, so the vast majority of deaths are not insurable?""

Were can i get Insurance for the Aprilia rs125 at age 17?

Im 17 looking for insurance for the Aprilia rs125 but ever were i look no company's will insure me i don't know what i doing wrong but they must not like me :P can i getadvicee please thanks :)

Home owners insurance check made out to mortgage company and me?

Evidently my insurance co made out the check to both myself and my mortgage bank (too bad I didn't realize it before I deposited it at the ATM this morning...) for siding and roof hail damage. I was on hold for over 40 minutes today waiting to talk to a rep at the mortgage bank (PNC). I hung up and will call back tomorrow when I have more time to listen to bad music. What's the normal procedure for handling this? The check was only for $6800. I may hold off a bit on some of the repair, and do some of it myself. I've already made arrangements for a window replacement ($900 vs the $450 the ins co gave me). There's a PNC Bank just down the street. Any ideas on whether they can handle it there?""

Insurance rates after one accident?

On the average how much would the insurance go up for one at fault accident, just an average.""

how to get a car insurance quote with arbells

https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/my-bathroom-has-leak-some-sort-mold-can-i-claim-home-owners-green/"

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