#i am not really exaggerating. ocd is really just like that

[podcast-hemocytoblast]

imagine you’re just minding your own business trying to each your lunch in peace only for someone to have hidden a remote detonator to a big ass bomb in your sandwich, so that when you take a bite of your sandwich it sets off the detonator and levels an entire city, killing thousands of people. That’s the sort of bullshit i would’ve had an ocd obsession about at age 7, but for jonathan sims it’s just a thing that can happen irl i guess

When you think about it, it was pretty on brand for Elias to start the apocalypse by giving Jon Evil Paperwork.

[fuck-customers]

Huh. It worked.

So, I'm unbelievably burnt out at my job but I guess a tiny part of me either still cares like 1% or is OCD because there are certain things that drive me absolutely up the wall and I really, really want them changed/fixed. But each time I bring up suggestions to my managers, they swiftly ignore me.

Just to be clear, the suggestions are "hey maybe we should have price tags on the products that we're selling in the store. I'm willing to take the time to tag things if you could provide me with the machine that prints the tags. Customers complain to me every shift about our products not having visible prices." Or "hey whatever happened to the price scanners? We used to have them on the main aisles and then one day they disappeared. They weren't malfunctioning before that. And if they were, why weren't they replaced? It's been years. Customers hate having to track one of us down to price check something." Or "hey our online inventory is completely inaccurate and it makes finding products difficult for us and customers. Is there any way to fix this? Can we employees be doing something?"

Of course I get brushed off or told some vague bullshit like "oh corporate made the decision" "it's up to corporate" with no further explanation.

HOWEVER.

I realized my manager was paying attention to some reviews because she had us change some things based on some survey. Like greetings. I figured out that we had receipt surveys. (we have never been required to push these and only management can read them, so there was no reason I would know about them before this) I tested out ny theory by artificially tanking our greeting ratings and my manager almost immediately was on us to greet every customer. I realized I could use this to my advantage and make complaints/constructive criticism as "the customer" (nothing obvious that would come back to me. I'm not stupid. It's not like I'm leaving reviews that say "give OP a raise! They're the best!" I'm not that stupid)

And you know what? It's slowly working. I had heard many customers complaining about the lack of price tags, so some "customers" complained about them in the reviews and a few weeks later, my manager was tagging everything in the queue line. I'm currently still working on getting the entire store properly tagged and getting the godawful music they play on the radio changed. (Ok fine, that one's for me, I can't stand that garbage, specifically Lovefool by The Cardigans. It's a mediocre song on its own, but I am not exaggerating when I say it plays at minimum twice an hour- I counted) But it's fucking working. No one is more shocked than me. Because my main motivation when starting this little project was to prevent myself from completely losing my mind and also screaming some of the things I hated about the store into the void and would you fucking know it? The void is responsive.

HEY! I like that song. I know Malwart got rid of the price scanners around the store to force customers to download the app. And are even making some self checkouts pay to use by making them only available to Malwart+ subscribers.

-Rodney

[max1461]

Anyway I'm glad OCD doesn't get the same level of discourse that other mental illnesses get, I think I would hate that. I have various thoughts about my OCD but relatively few I would like to share, or be subjected to debate on or whatever. In general I don't think of OCD as like, a secret superpower or some shit like what people say about ADHD, I mostly think of it as a hindrance. At the same time it's not exactly true that I would take a pill which "cured" it if offered: I suspect that mental illnesses are, mostly, more like exaggerated expressions of tendencies that are present in all brains. Like everyone obsessively worries sometimes, and people lie on a bell curve or whatever wrt how much they do it. And people with OCD are just outliers on that bell curve (or a collection of related bell curves) to the degree that it gets noticed and given a name. But like, one suspects you couldn't just flip some switch and do away with this without affecting the whole brain system in more complex knock-on ways, i.e. changing who I am as a person. And I really like who I am as a person! So if the cost of that is that I occasionally worry in this way that's really irrational, and cope with it through irrational behaviors, that's like, a totally reasonable price to pay for being me. I would accept that price and refuse the pill. At least if I'm right about how all this works.

[bananonbinary]

i'm always very wary of the idea of like, "real" versus "mild" disability. or worse, "real" versus "fake." the implied idea in that last post (from op, not the addition) that, "oh, well, obviously a REALLY disabled person shouldn't be expected to do things they literally can't, but mildly disabled people need to stop doing that." or the discourse around "therapy speak," or people "watering down" terms like ocd and intrusive thoughts. or one that i've definitely complained about before, the idea of "feigned incompetence" from abled people.

it's. ugh. look. i understand that some people really are co-opting and misusing terms, or exaggerating their symptoms, or pretending to be worse at something than they actually are. and its really really frustrating and upsetting.

but also. i am very very very afraid of the way people talk about these issues, because 99% of the time, their solution seems to be, "only True Disableds are allowed accommodation, and I am the sole arbiter of what disability is." idk, as someone who went most of my life undiagnosed but turned out to need a very high level of support, i just don't see a way to address these issues that don't hurt more than help. i think it helps more to just take people at their word and assume they really can't do the thing they said they can't. even if they're undiagnosed and just think it's a personal quirk. if they're honest, you've just helped someone. and if they're not, that's probably something that requires a long conversation rather than a snarky ratio on twitter, you know?

[real-godzekiel]

Sorry. I am quite tired today from school so I'm just going to cut to the chase and not be too detailed.

Note that I will discuss topics relating to self harm and mental illness (mainly dermatillomania and trichotillomania, but also body dysmorphia and substance abuse disorder) in this post. I will also show footage of the show that have blood and be discomforting. I also know that this might be obvious to some people, but I felt the need to explain why I specifically think this way.

I think Mirror Man has dermatillomania and Wine Mom has trichotillomania. Here is why:

You may have noticed that I draw scars on Mirror Man's hands. These scars are based on the ones people like me usually get from picking their skin.

(In the past, I used to put trigger warnings on these drawings. But now, realizing that most of these images are not focussed on these scars at all, I find it weird to put a trigger warning for things that many people visibly suffer from. Then, I would have to put a trigger warning if I ever post a photo of myself experiencing daily life because there are scars on my hands. That's like putting a trigger warning for someone who visibly still suffers from a bone fracture because it triggers people who are afraid of breaking bones. It's stupid. So, I stopped putting trigger warnings for images of characters with scars unless the scars are the focus. I am sorry if this is upsetting to some people, so DM me if you are concerned about something like this.)

Mirror Man's whole identity, at least according to himself, is based on removing his own imperfections to be perfect. I know that I pick my skin usually because I felt that it was not smooth enough, although I did not necessarily want it to be smooth because of body dysmorphia. However, Mirror Man probably thinks it was awful that his skin has imperfections here and there and likely he tries to fix it using methods that are not healthy.

This is kind of canon in the original animated short:

Although this might an exaggeration for the visuals of his song, I think it is safe to assume that he goes beyond just fixing his body with safe surgeries and make-up. He sometimes draws blood from picking his body without a reasonable purpose aside from "Oh God. Oh God. This does not look good. This is upsetting to look at and it is my responsibility to fix this."

Also, there is the statistic that many people with body dysmorphia also have this condition. Although this does mean Mirror Man has this condition just because he kind of canonically has body dysmorphic disorder, I think it makes it more likely for him to have it. There is also talks about dermatillomania's relations to OCD, but I don't know enough, honestly. I don't even know if I know enough about dermatillomania to make this post, except that I have dermatillomania which might make it excusable for me to make this post anyhow. I do not know if I have OCD.

Ok, onto Wine Mom.

This might be kind of a stretch because 1. It is not certain if I have trichotillomania because I do not pull my hair very often anymore. 2. There is no canonical proof of her pulling her hair.

So, it's really just a headcanon from what is implied in the short.

The most important reason why I think she has trichotillomania or at least some hair-pulling related problems is because of her hair:

It is very uneven. This might just be a way to convey how unkempt she is or even illustrate the effects addictions have on your hair, particularly hair loss. (It may also just be Stauber's style, which is also likely. LOL!) However, I think it is not impossible that she still has some problems with hair-pulling.

Wine Mom canonically has substance use disorders and likely suffers from depression, seen by her gloomy dialogue with Claire. She might have anxiety, too, but that is more "headcanon territory." Either way, this definitely makes it more likely that she has trichotillomania. I might also mention the "hold her hair" part in Virtuous Cycle, but that is more of a reference to her substance abuse disorder. Either way, surprising amount of emphasis on hair in Wine Mom's sections of OPAL!

What I'm trying to say is: something is wrong with Wine Mom's scalp. This is me self-projecting and I am so sorry if it sounds like I am not taking this seriously or going through these theories well. It is really a stretch, but yeah. Headcanons.

Pseudofolliculitis on Wine Mom's scalp.

Dandruff, and she scratches it.

Bald spots that she hides by covering them with hre long hair.

Another big headcanon is I believe she may have started pulling her hair a while before her substance abuse disorder. I think that Wine Mom, as a teenager, was introverted and nervous. She might have been frustrated with her hair because it discomforts her skin, so she started pulling them out, which turned out to be satisfying to her. Usually these types of "habits" are gratifying because they provide a sense of relief after pain and triggers some kind of reward system.

Either way, yeah.

I think Wine Mom and Mirror Man has these mental conditions that I (likely) have because I love these characters and it makes me feel comforted to think about it. Also, I like seeing how others interpret fictional characters' mental conditions in a way that does not sound like "I think this character has (condition) because I like sounding smart and pretending to know a lot about mental health." This is because posts like mine, I believe, are more of "I headcanon this because I think it may be compelling and also I relate."

Okay. That's it. Good night guys.

[librarycards]

*might be sending this to a bunch of people with great blogs who I really like and appreciate

saw a claim made that ocd "can never be cured, like thatevery person who has ocd will always deal with it, "have it" and that's because ocd is caused by a "chemical imbalance in the brain" and that it's been "proven by research". so they say you can't deal with ocd for only a few months or years, if you say you have than it wasn't actually ocd you're lying or exaggerating. which I find ridiculous and insulting, but than they say something worse "research has proven it's chemicals in the brain" which sounds even more ridiculou (im anti-psychiatry all the way. but what can I say to that?! any thoughts?? is this person referencing any real research? or just made up pro psychiatry nonsense??

I'm afraid I might not have a satisfying answer to this ask, mostly because I'm 1) agnostic (at my most generous) to the "chemical imbalance theory" of "mental illness" (as it were). there is nuance to this: i don't think that we are somehow entirely unaffected by our brains, in terms of structure and contents etc. Rather, I think that the construction of "mental disability" is relatedly only tangentially to what our brains actually "do." That is, the construction of mental disability preceded and continues to exceed what is capable of being known about the brain "itself," because mental disability is first and foremost a social, medical, legal, linguistic construction. Little more evidence of this is needed than the fact that I have never had my brain scanned, yet have been diagnosed with myriad mental disabilities and institutionalized against my will. The brain is to mental disability what "sex" is to gender –– a mythology of concreteness designed to (unsteadily) bolster the flimsiness of the diagnosis, the assignment.

While I am also uninterested in recovery as a paradigm, and in theorizing what it might look like to be "free" of a certain part of the way i move through the world (ocd included), I am interested in collective healing with and through self-determination and free association. What I know for sure, despite the murkiness of everything else, is that it is possible to substantially improve your quality of life in a wide variety of ways: some people find medications that help, some counselling (whether professional or informal). Others choose spirituality and meditation. Others self-direct using freely available therapeutic resources. Still more enlist the help of their friends and loved ones to keep track of types of behavior they'd like to avoid. And, of course, some don't do any of that, and it is their right to do so, so long as they are not endangering others, regardless of how shitty it feels (both for them and the people who care about them).

so: I'm giving you a non-answer. I don't believe in cure because I don't believe in disability-as-disease. I think people who are obsessed (haha) with figuring out the etiology of different diagnoses are at best naïve and at worst eugenicist. (Note: i am not upset with you, nor do I think you're a eugenicist or any other genre of bad person! Thinking about these things does not make you bad. Asking these questions in good faith does not make you bad, either.) I think that we will be much better positioned to talk about living and improving together when we forget chemical imbalances or medical decrees of terminality or unrecoverability or treatment resistance, and start thinking about things we can do in our lives now that help us create better futures.

[no-stupid-questions-official]

this might seem odd, but it has been a pretty large issue lately.

how do i stop reading fanfics that i don’t like? like, i’ll start reading a fic and half way through or so i’ll realize that i don’t like it and it’s causing me to get upset (like intrusive thoughts level of upset), and then i’ll click out of it like any normal person would.

but it will only be a little while until my brain goes back to thinking about it, and i get an urge to continue to read it. it’s hella hard to ignore this urge; it’s always in the background. and eventually, 9/10, i’ll cave and go back to reading it. 

sometimes the fic will get so horribly horrible that i can click out of it without worrying about the urge coming back, but other times the horribleness is only Just Horrible Enough. yknow? like it’s causing me emotional pain but not enough for the urge to read the fic to go away. like it’ll be enough to cause intrusive thoughts for weeks or even months after i read the fic, but not enough to make me stop.

i was wondering if there was like. Literally Anything to help me ignore the urge, because it is Really affecting me. i don’t like feeling every bad emotion at once (<- exaggerating) and i dont like having intrusive thoughts for quite possibly months after reading the fic. (<- not exaggerating)

if it helps i am almost definitely sure i have OCD, but i’m not sure if this could possible be an OCD thing, or maybe just some other ND thing. or maybe curiosity is just killing the cat. idk. point is i need to be able to ignore the damn urge.

-

[proudfreakmetarusonikku]

i really think a lot of discourse spaces are predatory on people with moral ocd. not even just like important shit. shipping discourse. character apologist discourse. they’ll prey on their own by making them see being in the in group as the only way of not being awful and those outside by deliberately attacking the person in ways that worsen the issue. and this predatory behaviour very easily leads to sexually predatory behaviour too. I’ve seen all of this. and like I’m not fucking stupid I know it upticks when I talk about my suicidal tendencies the goal is to make people with moral ocd either pawns or fucking dead. whether consciously or not that’s what a scary amount of people on this website are doing. and then they’ll blame you for “exaggerating” like no I am not fucking stupid I know you want me to kill myself. I’m not “suicide baiting” by pointing out that the discourse fuckers always always always come out in droves whenever suicidal ideation and self harm is mentioned. Some people think being progressive is getting people with mildly different stances to literally kill themselves.

[star-girl69]

DUDEEEEEE. She calls me baby youuuuu ate that harrrrrrrd. Like I had to go back in for seconds and thirds and fourths fr fr. Cause are we even surprised or are we just grateful that you give us mortals a second of your time and talent????

Babe you are so incredibly talented. The way you write is sooooooo amazing its like you just know how to manipulate your words into something that will and has had me in tears in like 2 seconds. Don't even get me started on how you write your characters. Like I don't know how I can fully and most genuinely express the astonishment you leave me in all the time.

I believe that you are one of a kind and a treasure to be cherished. I know that doubting is inevitable but I hope that you know that I'm always gonna be in the obsessed with addie corner no matter what. Like I meant it when I said that there won't be a time when you have no fans. Ever. You will forever be my favourite gorgeous goddess❤️❤️❤️.

-❤️

(I'm sorry I've been so absent school has been actually eating me alive)

(I think about you everyday though and it makes life just that much better)

(I hope you don't think I'm exaggerating��😭😭😭All of this that I've been feeling without releasing had to be sent in a long ask my bad)

(I missed your little bonuses though, I hope you're doing okay)

(I'm always here for anything you may need, even if its literally just to tell you how amazing you are)

(love you ❤️)

#jealousclarissesupremacy

I WAS WONDERING WHERE YOU WERE I WAS SO WORRIED I SMILED SO HARD WHEN I GOT THIS ASK 🤭🤭

I CANT THAT WHOLE SECOND PARAGRAPH LIKE I CANT LIKE WOWWWW YOU THINK THAT???? ABOUT MEEE??!!!!??!?!?!?!!

TREASURE IS INSANE BTW 🤭 anyways omg. i’m so grateful wtf like i’m sorry i cant come up w something more poetic like you i just love these asks so much i get so happy and idk how to express that other than ilysm and i’m just so happy and so so grateful

also gorgeous goddess… i giggled 🤭🤭🤭

(ITS OKAYYYYY IM GLAD YOUR BACK SCHOOL HAS BEEN COOKING ME TOO 💔💔)

(EVERYDAY??!?!?!?! i think about you everyday too tho….. thinking about that one day you were so active and i got like 5 asks from you… BEST DAY OF MY LIFEEE) (also pls don’t take this as me pressuring you TRUST i am grateful for whatever you give me 🙏🙏)

(STOP. I. LOVE. LONG. ASKS. DONT ANNOY ME BY DOUBTING MY LOVE FOR YOU!!!!!!!)

(idk i’m okay i’ve just been really feeling pressured to write stuff bc the fandom is dying down (guys pls come back) and i am now firmly addicted to the praise and number of notifs i get…. lol. the bonuses have always been weird bc sometimes they come so easily to me like the first one i did was so it goes and i didn’t even have to think about it and then someone said they liked it so i went back and did it to my other fics and started doing it and idk yeah basically what i’m saying is sometimes they’re so easy and other times i have to force myself to come up w something which sucks but people like them so i’m happy to do it!!!!)

(tbh i’ll probably go back and add a bonus to she calls me baby bc i have just a little teeny bit of ocd and it will bother me but also i’m trying to let the little things go but idk we’ll see how strong i am 😭😭)

(sorry i will stop ranting now) (shoutout to anyone who actually reads that incoherent ramble)

(i need to be told how amazing i am 24/7 so that will be hard 😔) (BUT I APPRECIATE YOU SAYING THAT)

(LOVE YOU TOOOOO 💋💋💋)

#iagreesobad

[sophsicle]

Hey Soph I just wanted to say thank you thank you thank you (!!) because (and I’m not exaggerating this when I say it) that reading KYD is helping me get diagnosed with ARFID - like I didn’t realise that what I was going through was a legit thing until I saw regulus going through a similar experience. So literally thank you so much! You’re representation of mental health, neurodivergence and other aspects relating to it is so so amazing and important!

oh wow, i'm so glad that this story was able to help you that's incredible and just makes me very happy <3

i've always felt that the narratives surrounding mental health that are presented and repeated over and over again in mainstream media are super unhelpful/harmful because they make it seem as though there is only one way to experience these issues and i don't think that's ever the case

i also find with EDs in particular, it's really hard because often they're not even really understood as being mental illnesses? there's this confusion between diet culture and eating disorders, and im not trying to say there is no overlap there because of course there is, but i am trying to say that an ED is not a diet, it's a compulsion, ive always felt that it's way more similar to something like OCD than people often think

[aroaceconfessions]

I genuinely and truly believe it's a blessing I'm aroace, romance-averse and sex-repulsed.

Why? Because I have sensory issues (for my sense of touch), OCD (yes, professionally diagnosed) and multiple phobias including germaphobia (extreme fear of germs) and haphephobia (extreme fear of being touched- not just in a sexual manner. it's a fear of being touched at all).

It would be impossible for me to find a partner. It'd be hard enough being a sex-repulsed asexual and a romance-averse aromantic but not even being able to touch my hypothetical partner most of the time? See, this is why I'm not worried about my parents trying to set me up with someone to marry once I grow up. Because who the hell is gonna want to deal with that?

I actually see that as one of the few perks of my issues, not having to worry about my parents setting me up with someone when I'm older because they'll never find anyone LMFAO

And having kids? How the hell would I be able to touch them? Look, babies are very cute (annoying half the time too /lh) but touching bare skin (let alone SMOOTH bare skin) and cleaning up gross shit is literal torture for me. No exaggeration. And the way they squirm and can do anything so unexpectedly really takes a toll on my OCD fear of losing control of a situation. Like they're so cute but in person, they're kinda terrifying because of the way they just move so fast and unexpectedly and you'd have no idea of knowing what they'll do next! It just doesn't feel safe. I feel the same way about animals, hence why I also have zoophobia lol.

Anyways, I think I actually really lucked out being aromantic and asexual. I didn't always accept myself but now I do and I'm really proud of who I am, flaws and all. I can't say I'm glad or proud I have really bad OCD and SPD but I am glad and proud I'm aroace! 🧡💛🤍💙

[sunset-bridge]

The part where u said u'd be dying in a corner hit, dude (referencing OCD Goro post).

You got any other headcannons for him that you wanna tell the class?? (I mean this genuinely; I am curious)

THANK YOUUU !!!!

yes yes yes. ok wait..

i think he has freckles but he covers them up for tv and any public apperances. in third sem he doesnt give a shit anymore

i think he really likes disgustingly sweet things... the more sugar the better..!!

this is more a design headcanon thing to how i draw him but to me he has a round-ish face. nothing against people that draw him with like a long-ish face, but seeing his portrait sprites ingame i was always like. hehe round boy.... cute fluffy cheeks

on that note. i think hes built like a beanpole lol.. hes tall and lanky but muscular..? like not very visibly so. visibly he looks like a lamp post but he packs a surprising punch. he does NOT have much resistance though.. like a glass canon. hits like a truck but you sneeze on him and he crumples (this is true) (exaggeration. he has good endurance in a fight but every hit hurts him pretty bad. i hope you get what i mean.)

final design note.. i think he has stupidly long eyelashes . i suppose hes fine with them because they make it easier to appeal to the Public but sometimes he probably does wish he had shorter eyelashes.

when you catch him offguard he'll revert to Pleasant Boy Eyes tm for like a split second.

i don't think he likes physical affection very much. hes just not used to it and he finds it overwhelming. like. you know how cats get overstimulated when you pet them and they bite your hand. yes exactly like that. i think if you tried to hug him or something his mind just goes ??¡!!"?¡¡??¡¡?)(%&$%&&/ DAMNNATION!!!! and tries to murder you because apparently thats the only response possible.

i think his genuine laugh is this really cute-ugly ass laugh that only sergio enjoys. like this dog-bark ass laugh. evil laugh mfer!!!

when he was princekechi he opened his mouth way too wide whenever he spoke. i dont think this is how he naturally emotes when he talks; i think this was part of the act. very punchable

theater kid dramatic cunt disease terminal. this was true

well everyone knows this but he fights like a rabid animal. he bites people and scratches them with his horrible claws. bad animal.

i think he got a badass scar from after shido's palace fight with sergio. i should draw that sometime. i need to elaborate on this. ok if any of you know beastars, there was this time the wolf guy legoshi and his tiger buddy were having an argument ON STAGE that was very much not part of the show. anyways the tiger proceeded to "hug" legoshi to calm him down but he actually gored the fuck out of his back with his claws. something like that.

i am an Akechi last name believer. i think it was his mom's last name!

wait most important serious very REAL headcanon. he collects every form of hepatitis like baseball cards

ok those are at the top of my head :3c hope u enjoy

[starryoak]

It really sucks to comment on a post in a mildly joking or even entirely sincere manner and immediately get blocked. I absolutely realize people block other people on this website at the drop of a hat, but as an autistic person with scrupulosity my immediate reaction is that I would like to be able to tell someone I’m sorry for dropping the hat in the first place and that I didn’t mean to be rude.

Like, I’m not even saying it because I feel the need to be unblocked! I just need to tell them that it wasn’t meant to be annoying or rude, and I don’t hate them or anything. I mean, I can’t say it’s healthy that my OCD compels me to want to be unblocked and absolved for all my ‘sins’, but I can live with it and I’m fine with just feeling a little pang of sadness when I’m unable to like a post. I’m working on not having that happen either, but it’s very hard work, unlearning everything your brain as it was naturally made says you should feel.

And it’s just frustrating to me because it shows that even after near meteoric improvement in my social skills as I’ve gotten older (and also medicine), that it’s still hard for me to successfully assess social situations and comedy on a website where being rude is taken as funny over 75% of the time but there’s that other 25%… I often do literally add “(I am exaggerating for comedic effect”) as to make it more clear that this is intended as comedy, and… I guess it’s odd to me that’s treated as suspicious or something? Like, that nobody takes anyone else in good faith? I understand it’s a fools effort online, but I do genuinely try to be entirely sincere in my interactions online.

Like the automatic assumption that I’m not engaging sincerely when I’m trying to signal the exact opposite is both understandable and completely frustrating,

Just.. it’s like. People mock you if you engage with something sincerely, they mock you if you try to fit in, they mock you if you’re too rude, too nice, it feels frustrating when it feels like no matter what I do or whether I point out I am making a joke and not serious or play it straight, that I can’t get it right.

It’s not even about being blocked, really, (I’m lying my OCD hates it), it just hurts being confronted with the fact I’m almost two and a half decades into life and I still fail at basic social interaction despite my best efforts and despite the fact that I really am trying.

[running-in-the-dark]

I've got more to say on that post (tw I'm insane I don't know what to tag this as its just. mental illness man idk.)

I'm really, really glad that other people apparently really don't know what it's like to feel like that. like you're not allowed to think certain things or that thinking them makes you bad.

because fuck I wish that was me.

I find it almost impossible to talk about this but I'm trying because I've found it's really the only thing that helps a little bit - and it feels like literal torture, like. I am having to actively fight every instinct in my head to be able to type any of it.

but. just. man I just can't. sometimes I can do it, but sometimes it's like now and I get so panicked about it that all the words just fucking disappear. literally can't talk about it.

okay, I'll try a different way. so. I get extremely obsessed with fictional characters (which you know if you've ever looked at this blog because duh). obviously that means I think about them. a lot. all the time really. and it's. it is really really hard, honestly. just like. imagine having to basically check every. little. thought. to see if there's anything there that could make you a bad person.

again, can't go into any more detail because My Brain (probably should stop saying that, I guess it's like, part of the ocd tendencies I have or whatever) won't fucking let me.

so, I'm trying to work on that, and for some reason I'm doing that by writing it down instead. because then I have like, the option to go back and look at it and be like actually this is probably fine. not horrible, not the worst thing anyone has ever thought, and even if it was - no one but me is ever going to see this, so why should it even matter?

but more than anything it's like. shown me how fucking insane that is. I literally can't even write so much as like. a hug. without feeling like I'm the most disgusting piece of shit ever (lots of complicated reasons but it boils down to basically. well you're thinking about his body. and that his body would feel nice. and that is absolutely not allowed in any way). when I've said that I'm writing some insane shit I don't mean like haha, this is sooo dirty hehe :3 no guys I mean it is literally insane and mostly me literally having to write paragraphs of dialogue in which the character assures me that it's okay and I'm not horrible for thinking that and. like I'm literally writing him as if he's my fucking therapist because that's the only way I can justify it in my own head.

like, I am not exaggerating when I say that I've made myself feel like I'm physically ill from overthinking this so much. I literally felt like I had a fever because I got so extremely stressed out about it. I think that was about like. holding hands or some shit. I'm 32 fucking years old. I'm literally married (won't even get into that but fuck dude just imagine being like this and. yeah).

and the funniest part about all of that is that I feel so unbelievably ashamed about all of it that I don't think I could even mention it to a therapist or whatever. like the thought alone is so absolutely horrifying that it makes me feel like I need to be punished for it. so I just convince myself that well it can't really be OCD anyway because I don't even have compulsions anymore (even though I did, and they affected my life so much for like, 15 years at least), and well even if it could still be that even without the compulsions well it's not that bad really. I mean I don't have the issues that people with actual OCD have, it doesn't really affect me, so what if I can't think about fucking that fictional guy, imagine how much a therapist would laugh at you for thinking you should get help with that, nope your brain is just fundamentally broken (it's always been that way after all, so it can't be something like that, no you're just broken and wrong and that's why all your thoughts are bad, you're just the worst person on Earth).

I can't explain how hard it is to even like. just talk about the most mundane shit. like let's say there's a picture of The Guy and I think he looks good. it's such a struggle to let myself say that. like literally, something as fucking basic as that. literally anything that is an admission of 'hi I've thought about his face and his body and I think they look kind of nice' makes me feel like I should literally die. that's why I've been trying to say that shit as much as I can lately, with the reasoning being well if I just keep doing it and nothing horrible happens it'll get easier right? (nope it doesn't, not really)

and like, there's so much more to it than social media, obviously. like it's probably 99% my upbringing (didn't even fucking realise until very recently that a lot of it is based on religious stuff because I didn't understand that my family was even that religious. yeah I don't get it either. but there's way more than the religion aspect, just pretty much everything about my childhood and my parents and. everything). but it does play a huge part in it for me and. I don't know what to do about that and I'll probably do nothing because doing anything is hard and I'm already completely overwhelmed by everything.

yeah idk all of that came from thinking about that video too much, idk, I'm shutting up now

[rustedskyprisms]

I think I’ve decided I am 99% likely not going to go through with neurosurgery. I have very, very severe OCD, and I was being recommended deep brain stimulation as a “last resort” treatment; I’ve had MRIs and scans done for it, and if I was going to do it, it would’ve been sometime in spring of 2024. But I was not putting in any effort into improving, for the longest time. I wasn’t even willing to do the exposure and response therapy, because I just dismissed it as too difficult (it absolutely is. That’s the same type of therapy that can be used for PTSD. And it’s genuine fear you feel, when you do this stuff. I’m not exaggerating; anyone who has done it can tell you that.) And I just…had kind of given up, on life. But I’m realizing, things do not have to be this ugly for me; I have a lot more control than I thought.

There’s also the fact that I just do not want to have this procedure done; I really do not want, as cool as it sounds on paper, electrodes in my brain. That’s pretty fucking scary honestly. Like it’s not a bad/harmful procedure or anything, but, it’s neurosurgery.

The thing that would be very beneficial to me right now is if I could leave my house more. I’ve talked about that enough so I’m not going to get into that here, but I do have a case open with the Texas Workforce Commission and that’s supposed to start taking effect, hopefully soon, as far as, help with the visual impairment stuff and vocational training/independent living skills/etc.

That’s the thing though; the OCD constantly gets pegged as the main problem, and yes, it is, but it’s not the only one. One of the reasons my mental state has gotten to this point is because of what I mentioned in the previous paragraph; the lack of freedom. That has contributed so heavily to all of this, and the surgery isn’t really going to help with that.

[torque-witch]

So I went to a birthday party for one of my coworkers (whom I don’t know at all) because my boss invited me and I figured it would be a good show of appreciation? Commitment? Mind you the person who’s birthday it was was turning 65 😅 It was a handful of Gen X women all dressed very…business casual? I show up of course in my usual daily (nicer) wear of leggings, a tank with no bra and a cardigan. I am the only person in their 30’s with buzzed hair and tattoos lol.

That’s not the point really - I had a really nice time and I’m glad I went. It helped me gain more confidence that I’m getting better with agoraphobia and whatever other ocd/phobic thoughts I’ve been struggling with. But to set the scene -

My point being now that I’m in an active journey of trying to understand why I function and socialize the way that I do - it became apparent very quickly to me that I mask heavily in uncomfortable situations. This being, I really only knew my boss and that’s already a bit of a stressor when it comes to social performance. She’s not by any means someone I don’t feel comfortable around (she’s already shared with me her dating escapades), but the dynamic of a bunch of generally liberal but vanilla older women and me is quite different.

ANYWAY I was noticing right away that even when physically masked (a face mask), it was obvious that I probably was looking dead pan at someone at all times, so I started over exaggerating squinting my eyes when talking or laughing so no one would misunderstand me, I engaged in very awkward small talk and made weird mistakes lol. I had to stop myself from crossing my arms several times. Because all of these women looked genuinely happy, were talkative, expressive etc. I’m sure to an extent most people do this, but they probably aren’t going through it every minute of every day correcting their posture and tone. Thankfully I don’t do that at work, but it’s definitely why social interactions over a span of time really do drain me. For personal friends I don’t really feel that pressure, but I’m a very awkward and standoffish person when I’m not completing tasks that I generally accomplish by myself or when not interacting with other businesses.

Plus, I couldn’t bring myself to eat any cake or snacks because everyone’s hands were everywhere and unwashed and I can’t be playing those games with my contamination OCD 😂 It’s just like, even if you are JUST an anxious person and not necessarily a socially defunct person, all of those extra thoughts keep me in fight or flight even if I’m having a good time. I don’t think I used to be that concerned, but it’s possible from being in a really high-mask work environment for 6 years I just didn’t think twice about it.

I’m glad at least that my job so far seems very manageable besides carrying heavy things - 3-4 hour shifts, I just do what people tell me to do in the moment (there’s not always a set task list and time requirements change) and I’m left alone to do them. Tons of daily praise, lots of communication. But socially? It will take me a long time to be myself around people who live in completely different worlds than I do.