#i am not paid nearly enough for this bullshit to be on call whenever you want fuck you theres like 5 other people you could ask anyway why

[undistortedworld]

being hassled and spammed by my boss fuck offff im not coming in at 5am on my day off tomorrow cuz you the manager cant be arsed to cover someones shift IT IS 9PM LEAVE ME ALONE

[alreadyblondenow]

Cupid in love

Pairing: Cupid!Jaehyun x female!reader

Genre: SMUT, FLUFF, angst?

WC: 3,150k

Warnings: FANTASY GALORE. rough break up sex, unprotected sex, slight nipple play, swearing, mentions of other idols

A/N: NOT PROOFREAD. I’ll fix it once I have time.. For NCT-WRITERS Cafe Resonance

—————

Walking around the mall alone and witnessing yet another beautiful, and successful Valentines Day for the year of 2021 and you’re the only person in the world who knew the man behind this beautiful day.

“Alone during Valentine’s day Y/n? Jaehyun hyung can’t come?” Mark, the waiter from the cafe asked you while he serves you your third round of your favorite warm drink. This is where you and Jaehyun first met, and you have been celebrating Valentines day for nearly three years here now just because Jaehyun can see all the lovers holding hands through that clear glass. All his hard work has paid off.

But tonight, he is already two hours late and you wonder why because he has never been late on Valentine’s Day.

“Uhm, Jaehyun will be a little bit late. Business trip. But I completely understand his schedule” you smiled and thanked him.

Of course you’re not sad that Jaehyun couldn’t make it on time this year. Maybe he got caught up with a little work an emergency perhaps? But you do hope that this is nothing serious.

Three Valentine’s Day ago

You were sitting quietly at Cafe Resonance with a warm drink on your side. Just admiring the happy couples that are enjoying the day with flowers, sweets, and different kinds of surprises. It was a normal day for you, but not until a very handsome man sat in front of you on the other side of the table. Giving you three pieces of Cafe Resonance’s Valentine cookies.

A cupid in his human form. Came out to play and enjoy his day for his own selfish needs. The gods forbade Jaehyun to celebrate his own day so he could stay pure like the god that he is and remain sinless and worthy. But the young cupid is full of passion and curiosity that he took his chance to walk on Earth and make himself meet someone that can satisfy his physical wants.

“The cafe manager said that if I want someone to fall on love with me, I should give them a Valentine cookie” he said and flashed a very handsome smile at you. Knowing all too well that what the manager told him was complete bullshit, because no one can force love to happen with anyone but him.

At least that’s what he knew.

Your first encounter with Jaehyun was surprisingly refreshing and fun. You ate all the cookies that he gave and to be honest you only did that to show him that you’re interested with him too, and also it’s not so bad to fall in love with someone like him. He’s nice, decent and well mannered. Though it’s pretty obvious that he’s after for some Valentine’s sex, and you have no problem with that.

At the end of the day, the man made you scream in bed, fucked you on the wall and made you cum for more three times using his cock. He sure knew how to fuck, you thought.

But the bitter feeling and ugly thought of waking up without him by yourself the next day is something you don’t want to happen so even though you’re dead tired from the sex, you try si hard not to sleep yet and make the best of this moment by asking too much questions to him that he likes answering.

Was the valentine cookie from Cafe Resonance real? Is it really possible for you to fall in love with a stranger?

“Go sleep. I promise I’m still here when you wake up” he said.

And he kept his promise not only the day after Valentine’s Day, but also for the next few weeks. Who would expect that a cupid who just wanted to have fun during his day, wasn’t so immune with love after all. And who would expect that he’s willing to be punished by the gods because of you? But what amazes Jaehyun the most, is how you fell in love with him. Because even as a cupid, he didn’t made you like him or used his powers for his selfishness.

Either way, he still refused on believing that the Valentine cookie was real and effective. Such kind of love mustn’t be tolerated he thought.

Life with Jaehyun was sweet and real. Too beautiful to ruin. That’s why when Jaehyun said that he’s leaving, you didn’t take it lightly which soon lead to your first fight.

Jaehyun didn’t have much of a choice but to tell you the truth. Even though you just laughed at him when he finally said the words, he secretly hoped that you’d still understand because he believes that you love him.

“I don’t have a choice Y/n. I’ve been away for months now. I am neglecting my duty as a cupid, by this time the happy couples that we saw during Valentine’s day could have broken up already because I’m not around” he explains frustratedly.

“So you’re saying that you’re the cupid and couples can break up because you’re not around. Because you’ve been busy being happy with me?”

“Yes” he answered weakly and reached for your hand to kiss it. Promising you that he will come back and find you. “It’s just for a year. I’ll sort everything out and I promise I’ll give the love that you deserve”

And as Jaehyun left you as soon as the truth was revealed, you let him leave you with a big doubt and judgement in your heart. Is he secretly married and you’re a mistress now? Have you done something wrong to make him leave you like this? And these ugly thoughts ran thru your mind for months and months during his absence.

During your wait for Jaehyun’s return, you decided to move on and just date anyone to forget everything about Jaehyun. But every time that you plan a date with someone, the set date will be either cancelled or the guy won’t show up. Little did you know that Jaehyun is the man behind those unfortunate events. Secretly watching you from a cloud above you, guiding you towards patience until he returns and win your heart again.

It was not easy for Jaehyun to see you like this, purposely forgetting everything about him like he was just a dream to you. He can’t let that happen, for he knew that what you have is love.

On the next Valentine’s Day, you can’t believe who showed up in your doorstep. He didn’t change a bit, and neither his feelings for you.

“Can I come inside?” the cupid asked nervously.

“I don’t know what game you’re playing, but seriously what are you doing here Jae?”

“I told you I’d come back right? I’m here now, and we don’t have much time-“

“I have a boyfriend now so please leave me alone”

“That’s a lie. I know everything about you, I’ve watch you every day from above for a whole year. Please just believe me. Don’t push me away, I kept my promise didn’t I? I’m here now”

And the thought of Jaehyun keeping his promise was enough for you to welcome him in but your heart is still cold and broken because of what happened from the past.

As you and Jaehyun sit and have a decent conversation, he showed his wings which is enough proof to believe him that he really is the cupid. You were speechless for hours, and your apartment’s for corners was suffocating you so Jaehyun decided to have a walk with you.

He wanted to hold your hand like every couple he sees now. He wanted to whisper how much he misses you and loves you. Ironic isn’t it? He’s the cupid who spreads love on Earth but he can’t have love for himself.

“So how old are you?” you finally spoke. Those were your first words after seeing his wings, and that was four hours ago.

“Human age is 25, but cupid age... I have no idea but let’s say almost 127 years old? That’s still young in cupid years” he smiled and let out a small laugh. Completely missing that you’re shocked to the core upon hearing his age. But now that you know more truths about him, the normal thing you would do was react hysterically and make him leave you alone. Surprisingly, you wanted to hear more about him. To hear more about the truth.

“Tell me more?” You said shyly, slowly reaching for his hand for you to hold and hold it tightly. Oh you missed him.

He smiled so big and reached in for a kiss on the forehead before he tells you more about him and to what he do. The simple walk turned into a date, and of course he brought you to Cafe Resonance to celebrate your reunion and basically your first year of knowing each other. And when you got back to your apartment, he immediately brought you to your room and fucked you all night in different positions.

“When are you going to leave?” you asked while drawing circles on his chest and savouring his warmth.

“Tomorrow” he answered weakly and tightens his embrace, “I can’t be away from duty like what I did last year. The gods might not let me see you if I continue to be stubborn”

“It’s sad. But I understand, and at least now I have something to look forward to”

Three Valentine’s Day later

Thru the years of being together, even when you don’t see each other everyday, Jaehyun always finds a way to show his love for you thru unexpected things. Big or small.

Like during your birthdays, he always sends gifts to you with sweet and short notes. Or like whenever you wake up on your side of the bed and see a feather on his side of the bed. That simply means he’s always with you, like an angel.

This year’s Valentine’s day marks your three years if staying in love with each other, and you’re more than excited with seeing him today. But given that he was hours and hours late already, you decided to call it a day and go home to rest. Maybe he will come by the next day? Nonetheless, you still believe that he will do everything just to be with you.

Three days later, he’s still nowhere to be found and it’s weird how you can’t feel him watching you anymore. What is happening?

“Hi Y/n” Mark greeted you with his normal cheerful aura. “Were you and Jaehyun supposed to meet? You completely missed him. It’s weird actually, he came here not have some coffee but instead he had a talk with the manager”

“Uh- yeah, sorry. I guess I’ll see him at home then,” you answered awkwardly and forgot the cake that you purchased.

When you came back to your apartment, finally you see his unique figure standing by the window and staring blankly at the sky.

“I thought you forgot about me, are you okay? Jaehyun?” You hugged him from behind and kissed his broad shoulders.

“Sorry about that, how are you?” He turned around and return the hug and kisses. Saying that he’s really sorry for leaving you hanging on a very special day.

“I’m fine. What happened? Is there something wrong? You look troubled” you asked, but he didn’t answer your question but instead he kissed you deeply and motioned you towards your bedroom, making a trail of discarded clothes on the floor.

And once you landed on your bed, Jaehyun immediately went on top of you and kissed your neck, all the way down to the valley between your boobs while kneading them and sucking them. His breathing was heavy and you quickly noticed it. You wanted to make him stop and make him talk, but you’re too late.

He already spread your legs wide and positioned himself between your legs, kneeling in front of you so handsomely as he starts touching your pussy with his thumb. Up and down he makes you wet and sensitive, not to mention he was really gentle and slow. At first you thought he was going to fuck you already, but to you surprise he put his two fingers inside you and came closer to you again, to suck your nipples and bite them softly until he’s satisfied.

Swollen and sensitive, that’s how he left your nipples and starts lining his cock on your entrance, slowly pushing in his cock. “Fuck” he comments with a grunt. Putting every inch of his thick and veiny cock inside of you, moving his hips slowly. His head rests on the crook of you neck, his breath tickling you but all you can do now is moan.

Moan and keep him close with your arms wrapped around his frame. And when you whispered “I love you, Jaehyun” that instantly melted his heart and fucked you even more deliciously. But he also wished you didn’t say it to him because now he knows your love is not real. Cafe resonance put you in a spell and only your true love can break it.

He got up from his comfort close to your body and got a hold on your hips, slightly lifting it so he could fuck you harder and so he could see your boobs bounce up and down, grip it whenever he wants to, pinch it whenever he wants to and suck it whenever he wants to.

Suddenly, he pulled out completely only to push back in a little harsher that your head hit the head board. He did it again. Making you hiss with the stretch from your cunt, but the pleasure is driving you insane. He then started to lick your neck and chest, pinning your arms on your side while he fucks you harder. Your moans became louder and you started gripping the sheets and just stop fighting the feeling, and accepting the intensity of every thrust Jaehyun gives you.

“Why are you so rough tonight?” You asked with ragged breaths, toes started curling, and you begged him to go slower because you don’t want to cum yet but he didn’t listen.

He made you cum for the first time tonight and it wasn’t anything you’ve ever had before. You gripped the pillow so tight, moaned his name weakly, and let you shiver and curl beneath him while his hands still roams around your body, his cock still inside you and he hasn’t cum yet, a sign that he is not yet done with you.

Little did you know, he’s scanning every inch of you, engraving your beauty while you’re naked in his mind. For this is your last night together.

“I wanted to talk-“

Jaehyun started talking but to his surprise you voluntarily move your hips and started fucking yourself. He was sure he made you weak already and fucked you hard, how is possible that you still wanted to go for another round? But he wasn’t complaining, in fact he loves the image of you fucking yourself and using him to go off.

“That’s right baby, fuck me. Go deeper” and so you followed what he wanted, after all you’re not doing this for your own pleasure, you’re doing this because you wanted him to cum too.

With widely spread legs and bouncing tits, you moved your hips up and down while Jaehyun is kneeling in between your legs and you have a complete view of Jaehyun’s fucked out face. Eyebrows furrowing, parted swollen pink lips, chanting your name over and over again and telling you how much he loves what he’s seeing and feeling.

“Oh fuck Y/n, you feel so good”

“Fuck baby”

“Go slower, I don’t want to cum yet-“

But you didn’t gave into his request simply because he didn’t go slow earlier with you. So you moved your hips faster, up and down and put on a show for him by kneading your boobs in front of him and pinching your sensitive nipples to make yourself clench around him.

In a matter of seconds, Jaehyun’s hands are around your rib, perfectly placed under your boobs, and your legs are folded so he could go deeper. He took over until he’s finally shooting his warm, thick cum inside you. Satisfied for what you’ve done to him because he landed on top of your body, so weak and his legs are still shaking.

Too tired to clean the cum dripping from your hole, too comfortable in Jaehyun’s arms and presence that you never want to let go.

On the next day, you woke up quite late and you’re all alone in your cold bed. Though you’re completely cleaned and dressed, maybe Jaehyun took care of you last night before he leaves.

Scanning your apartment for something Jaehyun left, a small note or a flower placed somewhere... but you didn’t find anything. He usually leaves with a promise of seeing together again. Maybe he forgot?

When Jaehyun found out the truth about that Valentine cookie, he immediately hated himself for giving it to you and being the root of his heartbreak right now. He needs to fix this by looking for someone that will love you despite still having his effect on you. He’s positive that once your true love showed up, you will completely forget and move on from him.

It’s weird how this year, all you did was feel an unexplainable pain in your chest. A year full of pain and you dont know where your heartbreak is coming. Not to mention, Jaehyun hasn’t been making you feel his presence lately. That’s why you feel so lonely.

6 months have already passed since the last time that you saw him. And suitors always comes in the way, and you wonder how and why because you knew Jaehyun would get rid of them.

And as months passes by, you continue to fool yourself and still believe that Jaehyun will come back to you. Even tho you felt nothing from his presence the whole year.

Until finally, you received a note from him on Valentine’s day 2022.

Go to Cafe Resonance tonight -JH

And so you did, with a big smile on your face and with a new dress you bought specifically for this occasion. You waited for his arrival, looking at your watch every minute... but he never came. Instead, he sent you another note given bu the manager of Cafe Resonance.

“I’m sorry Y/n,” Manager Chenle said handling you the note that contains the saddest news you’ve ever received.

But just before you could open the note, someone sat in front of you and asked permission to share the table with you because everywhere else is full.

“Yes its fine,” you said without even looking at him and proceed to minding your own business. Reading Jaehyun’s last note to you that says.

He is a good man, full of love and has a heart of gold. He is the one destined for you, not me. The love I can give to you, has no match to what he can give to you. I’m sorry.

“By the way I’m Johnny”

The man reached out his hand for you to shake, smiling so handsomely at you. It’s weird how your heart instantly skipped a beat. Jaehyun how could you do this to me.

[wingsofkpop]

Finding SKZ - 3: WK97

pairing(s): Hybrid!Bang Chan x Reader, Hybrid!SKZ x Reader

genre: Hybrid!AU, Dystopian!AU, heavy Angst, eventual Smut, pinch of Fluff

warning(s): Mature language, violence, abuse, mentions of death, possible triggering topics

Trigger Warning: This chapter does contain depictions of abuse. Please do not read if this will trigger you. This is your final warning. 

word count: 4,9k

synopsis: After rescuing an abandoned hybrid from his fate of death, he has one other favor to ask of you. Not only do you have to find his eight other hybrid brothers, but you have to keep them safe from the deadly dangers of your city: Miroh

chapter directory

He’s late. What else is new. 

You release an annoyed sigh while gazing back down at your cell phone. It’s not like you were expecting a text message indicating his tardiness. Why would he be considerate like that? Oh that’s right… He wouldn’t. 

After shoving your phone back into your pocket, you reach for your lemonade and take another sip. With you being here for almost an hour now, this is your second glass and it’s already half empty. Fortunately, your father has good taste in the places you come for lunch, so it’s actually really good. Who knew you could make quality lemonade? 

“(Y/N), you’re here already.” You glance up at the familiar voice and nearly scream in delight at the sight of your father. He grants you a soft smile and a stiff pat on the shoulder before taking the seat across from you, dropping his briefcase at his feet. “It’s nice to see you. I hope you weren’t waiting too long.” 

“Not at all. It’s good to see you too, Dad.” As much as you wanted to voice your complaints about his lack of punctuality, you decided to keep your mouth shut. These meet-ups are always awkward enough and you don’t want to make it any worse. You take another sip of your drink before investing your full attention on the man in front of you, “Anyway, how are things?” 

Your father sends you a weak smile, “Busy. My unit took up a new project down at the Capital, so we’ve had a lot more work than usual.” 

You nod. Your father was an engineer for one of Miroh’s technological industries. It was because of him you were able to attend university without worrying about the immense debt you’d likely have in the future. Although, the only reason why he paid your tuition was one out of guilt. But hey, it’s not like you’re complaining or anything. 

“That sounds interesting. I hope they’re not working you too hard.” 

He chuckles, “You know how I am. How are your classes?” 

You shrug, “Fine. This semester actually went by pretty fast.”

“Good, good.” 

The moment of awkward silence is saved by your waitress who just so happens to show up at the right time. You hold back a sigh of relief as you tell her your lunch order, which you’ve been waiting to do for the past half hour. Earlier, you debated just eating without your father and dealing with the guilt later down the line. Curse your moral heart for shutting down that decision. 

When the waitress dashes away, the unpleasant silence from before resumes. For a few minutes, you and your father trade glances back and forth, hiding your uncomfort beneath light sips of your drinks. You hoped that he would strike up the conversation again himself, since to be honest, you hated asking him about his life. It’s not like you were bitter about his other family, you could care less about them. You just felt weird doing it. 

It’s hard to believe this man is your father in the first place with how distant the two of you are.

“Well, has anything new happened recently?” 

You praise the force above for appeasing your request. Although, you were a little wary. You didn’t really want to tell him about the two hybrids living in your apartment whose lives you actually saved. Your father and his family aren’t as heartfelt about hybrids as you are. 

They have three female cat hybrids, none of which you’ve ever met. But from the only dinner you’ve ever attended at your father’s home, you could tell they basically used them as servants. And maybe it’s a little far-fetched, but you’re pretty sure your father’s twin daughters have been raised by them more than their own parents. 

With a fake smile, you answer, “Not really. You could say I’ve been… preoccupied with school.” 

Your father doesn’t pry, and for once, you’re thankful for his closed-off tendencies. Instead, he allows silence to takeover. The conversation doesn’t pick up, not even when the waitress returns to your table to deliver your food. You were expecting no words to be exchanged until your eventual goodbyes, but about two bites into your sandwich, your father surprises you, “You know, (Y/N), you should consider doing something for yourself every once in a while. School isn’t everything.” 

You nearly choke and erupt into a more than embarrassing coughing fit. After a couple gulps of lemonade and questions about your dignity, you shake your head, “I-I know that. Winter break is coming up so-” 

“-So you should go do something. Here, I actually might have something for you.” You watch your father lean down and pilfer through his briefcase. He manages to retract what seems to be some sort of pamphlet from the mess of papers and folders and offers it to you. Hesitantly, you take the pamphlet. And when you see the front cover, you immediately regret that decision. 

“The circus?” 

Your father nods, “I’m taking the girls next weekend for a treat. It might be enjoyable for you too.” 

He couldn’t be anymore wrong. You went to the circus once with your friends in elementary school. During the show, you were nearly crushed by an acrobat, knocked out by the juggler and scared half to death by the clowns. You never went again. 

“I don’t know. This isn’t really my thing.” You shake your head and aim to offer the pamphlet back. Your actions falter though when you catch a glimpse of one of the large multi-colored sentences. Ignoring the protests of your father, you flip the booklet to better read the words: 

Come one! Come all! See Miroh’s amazing singing bear! You’ve never seen anything like it before! 

“-What’s this singing bear about?” 

Your father, surprised at your sudden interruption, shrugs and shakes his head, “I don’t know exactly. It’s some sort of bear hybrid they’ve had for the past few years. He’s supposed to have one of the most beautiful voices you’ve ever heard sing-” 

Once again, your father’s voice drowns into the background and you’re back inside your own head. With shaking hands, you flip through the pamphlet to find the excerpt detailing this strange bear. Your heart stops and blood runs cold when you spot it’s name: 

Kim Woojin.

~~*~~**~~*~~

“I don’t understand how this is even possible. I thought you said Woojin was purchased by some other scientist.” You watch as Chan paces back and forth across your living room. His eyes were darting feverishly across the pamphlet you kept. After an awkward ending to your lunch date, you rushed back home to show the wolf hybrid your findings. Between the two of you, you couldn’t tell who was more shocked. 

Then again, Chan does seem like he’s going to have a stroke. 

“I honestly don’t know.” Chan sighs, running a hand through his blonde locks. You notice how his fingers halt at his furry ears, tugging at the protruding flesh with anxiety. He shakes his head, “The people who bought us at the lab were free to do whatever they wanted with us. Woojin’s buyer could have sold him after for all we know.” 

You nod, “Okay. Well, where does this take us?”

“What do you mean ‘where does this take us’?” Your companion looks at you with incredulous eyes while the rest of his body stiffens. He shakes his head again, “We go and we get him out. That was the plan, was it not?” 

“You know what I mean, Chan,” You roll your eyes and rise from the sofa. Your feet lead you toward the tense hybrid, his gaze never once faltering from your moving body. You take the brochure from his fingers and continue, “We can’t just waltz in there and demand they give him to us. According to a lot of sources, Woojin brings in a good portion of the audience, and you know what that means, right?” 

Chan doesn’t answer and averts his eyes. 

You sigh, “Money, Chan. It means money. They’re not going to give up one of their main attractions just like that. We need to figure something out.” 

“Why not sneak him out?” Both your and Chan’s attention transfers to the kitchen doorway where you discover Seungmin stood, contently munching on a piece of jerky. He hums, “After dark, you sneak inside and just take him.” 

You open your mouth to answer but Chan beats you to it, “What do you think you’re doing? What have I told you about eavesdropping?” 

Seungmin shakes his head, “I wasn’t eavesdropping, hyung. You and (Y/N)-noona just didn’t notice I was here.” 

“Bullshit.” The sudden curse has your nerves standing on end. You turn to look at Chan, and the anxiety only spreads to the rest of your body. The hybrid was pissed, his teeth bared and eyes shooting daggers at the younger male. His ears twitch before he continues, “I told you that whenever (Y/N) and I are talking about the others-” 

“-But I want to help.” The other hybrid argues and reaches up to flick at his one floppy ear in annoyance, “Why won’t you let me help?”

Chan sighs, “I already explained why. It’s too dangerous. 

“They’re my brothers, too, you know. Why won’t you just give me a chance-?” 

“Because I don’t want to lose you again, goddamn it!” Your body flinches at the sound of glass shattering. You gaze down to see the remnants of your coffee table littering the floor. Each broken piece glitters in the sunlight streaming in through the window, and for a moment, you thought you could see your own shocked expression in the reflection. 

Footsteps call your attention back to Seungmin, whose tail you barely catch as he dashes into the hallway. A couple seconds are followed by the slam of a door and the sigh of the remaining hybrid. You glance over at Chan to see his face buried in his hands and his ears flat atop his head. You wanted to say something, but your brain seemed to be frozen in place. 

You had never seen him get so angry. 

After a long drawl of silence, you find the strength inside yourself to walk to the hybrid, careful not to slice your foot open in the process. Once again, you open your mouth to say something, but a different voice resonates instead, “I shouldn’t have lost my temper like that. I’m sorry, (Y/N).” 

“It’s okay.” You hum, rubbing the side of your head, “You’re under a lot of pressure, Chan. I get it.” 

He shakes his head and uncovers his face. His eyes are wide with guilt and despair, “There’s no excuse. I broke your table. I’m so sor-”

“-Chan, I am not the one you should be apologizing to.” Your words send Chan into a tense silence. Your heart aches as his features become pained, and with a closer look, you also notice his hands are quivering. Without another thought, you raise your arms and pull the distressed male into a gentle hug. 

You murmur softly, “We’ll get him. We’ll get him and all the others. I promise.” 

Barely a couple seconds after you uttered those words does Chan wrap his own arms around your waist. And through your embrace, you swear you could feel his hurt bleeding through your clothes and into your own body. 

~~*~~**~~*~~ 

“Seungmin, sweetheart, please stop squirming.” 

“Sorry, noona, I can’t help it.” Seungmin’s face contorts to a wince as you group his floppy ears into the black beanie. “It’s really uncomfortable.” 

You sigh, “I know, but it’s only for a little while. You’ll get used to it.” 

Once you’re satisfied the youngster’s ears are hidden completely, you throw him a smile and turn to peer at the other hybrid. Chan was in the process of pulling his own hat over his head, making sure to cover his ears as well. When he meets your gaze, he gives you a weak smile of his own. Beneath it though, you could see the anxiety and fear within his dark irises. 

Ever since the incident on Tuesday, Chan had been avoiding you as much as he could. He no longer allowed the two of you to stay in the same room together for more than three minutes at most, unless your conversation topics involved your plan for freeing Woojin from the circus. You understood he was embarrassed and ashamed for losing his temper, but you hated how distant he had become. You’d never admit it, but you missed him. 

And that scared you. 

“You remember how this is supposed to go, right?” Chan looks over at Seungmin, who’s pawing at his beanie again. At your warning glare, he stops. It took you this long to get it on. You’ll be damned if it comes off again. 

After some debate, Chan reluctantly allowed Seungmin to join the heist. Well, kind of. He was limited to the car and couldn’t help you guys with the actual ‘heist’ part, but the younger hybrid was still content nonetheless. You could tell how much he misses his other brothers. Just like Chan. 

“Yes, hyung.”

“Good. And what’s your job?” 

Seungmin rolls his eyes, “Stay in the car and wait until you and noona return with Woojin-hyung. We’ve been over this many times.” 

“I just want you to be safe. And no matter what happens, you do not leave this car, understood?” 

You shake your head, “He’ll be safe, Chan. Make sure to lock the doors behind you, okay? And please don’t take off your hat.” 

You don’t allow the wolf hybrid to stall any longer and quite literally, push him out of the vehicle. One of your friends allowed you to borrow her car for the night, seeing as once you do manage to get Woojin, you won’t be able to take the time to wait for a taxi. Plus, it’s the only reason why Chan agreed to Seungmin coming in the first place. 

You hope it won’t come to the point where you’ll need a getaway driver. 

“C’mon. The show’s gonna start soon.” You lead Chan through the brush, careful not to avoid the various branches reaching for your face. To avoid suspicion, you had parked the car on the other side of the forest from where the circus is set up. It was a longer walk, but you’d rather be safe than sorry. 

The walk through the trees is silent and tense. Chan purposely keeps a few steps behind you so you’re unable to spark up a conversation. You debated the thought anyway, but decided against it. He’s under enough pressure and stress as it already is. Who are you to invade the space he obviously needs? 

You just wish he wouldn’t avoid you like this. 

The both of you walked for about half a mile before reaching the clearing where the event is functioning in full effect. In the glow of evening, the lights of the red and white circus tent act as stars against the darkening sky. Crowds of people are streaming into the entrance, roaring with excitement for the amusement that’s about to come. 

You turn to say something to your companion, only to find him already staring at you. Your eyes remain connected for a moment until you muster up the courage to break the silence, “Are… Are you ready?” 

You curse yourself at asking such a stupid question. However, your self-depreciation fades when you feel fingers lace between your own. When you turn back, you see the hybrid beaming at you with a genuine smile that makes your knees weak and stomach flutter. 

He nods, “With you by my side. Of course.” 

You hope he doesn’t notice how his words bring heat to spread across your cheeks. Luckily, your wish is heard and Chan merely leads the both of you toward the sea of bodies entering the tent. Your hands still clasped together. 

Thankfully, you enter with no issues. The vendors at the doors take your tickets with no questions and point you in the direction of your seats. Since you bought them so close to show day, they weren’t the best, but it’s not like you had a choice exactly. The circus is only available this and next weekend, and next weekend is already sold out. It was today or never. 

“We’re at the top on the end.” You have to shout over the amount of chatter inside the tent. If Chan weren’t a hybrid, you don’t even think he would have been able to hear you at all. Nonetheless, he walks in your guided direction, his fingers tightening over yours when you’re forced to push through a group of people. 

Once you make it to your seats, you take the time to get a good look at the inside of the tent. It’s been years since you’d last been to the circus, but yet, everything still looked the same:  The sandy ring in the center, the acrobatic ropes and rings hanging from the ceiling, the metal bleachers surrounding the stage. You wonder if anything had changed. 

You sure did. 

“What’s wrong?” Your attention is stolen by your companion, who you once again realize is staring at your face. His eyebrows were furrowed in concern, lips pursed, “You look… sad.”

You shake your head, “It’s nothing. Thinking too much, I guess.” 

Chan nods, but you can tell he’s unsatisfied with your answer. His expression doesn’t fade, and if it weren’t for the dimming lights, you couldn’t tell if it ever did. 

The show goes by just how you remember it. The ringmaster comes out with his giant hat and staff, introduces himself, gets the crowd all excited, and promises a night that they will never forget. You’re pretty sure you’ll never forget this night for different reasons than the others here. 

One by one, the different acts play out. First the juggler, then the contortionist, the clowns, the acrobats, the clowns again, and a bunch of hybrids. Most of them were cats and dogs who could do things like play instruments, gymnastic tricks and martial arts. One poodle hybrid was really good at guitar, even though he messed up on a cord. As cool as they all seemed, your mind wasn’t really there until the ringmaster announced the last act of the night: 

The singing bear. 

You catch your first glance of Woojin when he enters the ring through a curtain leading from backstage. He’s dressed in a nice black and white tuxedo with golden gemstones and glitter adorning the fabric edges. His dark brown hair is nicely styled to show off his matching ears which jut out in half circles at the top of his head. You watch as he strides up to the platform in the middle of the ring where a microphone is waiting for him. Spotlights make the bling on his suit shimmer and illuminate his handsome face even more. He was smiling, but you can tell it’s artificial. 

When the music starts and his voice enters your ears, you swear it’s the most beautiful thing you have ever heard in your entire life. Good music has always been a rare thing for you, considering the radios barely play anything other than news channels and broadcasts. But you could spend an eternity just listening to Woojin sing. 

His performance is over too soon, and with one final wave and grin to the roaring crowds, Woojin disappears back behind the red curtain. The show ends with a final farewell from each of the acts and when the lights eventually flickered on again, you were more than grateful. You turn to speak to Chan, wanting to comment on Woojin’s beautiful voice, only to find the seat beside you empty. 

Chan’s gone. 

Your panic level immediately skyrockets. Jumping on your feet, you try to catch Chan in the river of people making their way towards the exits. There’s way too many, and even if you did manage to find him, you wouldn’t be able to get to him fast enough through so many bodies. Against your better judgement, you just stay where you are and continue to watch the waves leave the tent. 

After a while, the tent had mostly cleared out save for a group of stragglers and custodians. Even so, there was still no sign of Chan. You dash down the stairs, apologizing to a mother for nearly pushing over her little boy. 

Your feet carry you outside the tent, where many people are buying last minute souvenirs and carnival food. You end up wandering aimlessly through the crowds not once, but twice. All without any sign of Chan. Coupled with anxiety, your hands fly to grasp the strands of your hair as your breathing grows heavier. A couple shoots you a strange look, but you could care less. 

What are you supposed to do now? 

You shake yourself out of your helplessness and head toward the darker part of the plot where you have yet to search. By the light of the moon, you can make out the silhouettes of giant trucks. Something in your gut told you that you weren’t supposed to be here, but when you move to turn back and search for your lost companion elsewhere, a high-pitched scream has your body stiffening. Your mind transfers back to the alleyway where you rescued Chan. 

Without thinking, you take off in the direction of the yell, your pace quick and clumsy. Yet another scream leads you around one of the trucks and toward an extra part of the tent. You mold your body against the side of the vehicle, making sure to keep yourself out of sight. You don’t know what you were expecting when you peered around the corner of the truck, but it sure as hell wasn’t what you actually saw. 

The first thing you see is blood. A lot of blood littering the tarp floor of the tent. The next is a body laid face down, which at first you thought was unconscious, but the screaming said otherwise. With a closer look, you recognize them to be the poodle hybrid from the show. His costume was torn to shreds, exposing the oozing welts and gashes staining the flesh of his back. A snap of something has your figure flinching back into the truck, and when you return your gaze, a new welt had already begun to form on his skin. Your confusion dissipates at the sight of the ringmaster from before holding what looks like a long, leather belt. 

Your stomach violently turns. 

“Please stop! You’re killing him!” From your hiding place, you can see another hybrid, which you quickly realize is Woojin, banging on the bars of a large cage. Beside him, is none other than the one you’ve been looking for: Chan. 

Another crack of the belt is followed by another scream from the hybrid. You resist the urge to empty your stomach right where you’re stood and instead try to use the last functioning parts of your head to make a plan. Your attempt fails as the ringmaster attacks the poor hybrid with multiple strikes in one go, “You’re a fucking useless piece of shit! Can’t ever do nothing fucking right!” 

“Stop it! Please!” Woojin’s cries go unheard yet again. And it could have just been you, but you swear the cracks of the belt were becoming louder with each snap. 

“I should have just fucking left you on the side of the road, you little bastard! Freaks like you don’t mean shit! Just think how fucking better the world would be without you filthy scum!” 

Out of instinct, you pull out your phone and open the one broadcasting app you never needed until now. You quickly switch to the live camera, and with the little courage you have left, step into the tent and make your presence known. 

“My name is (Y/N) (L/N) and I am currently backstage of Miroh City’s Circus-” 

The ringmaster pauses at your voice, his face immediately paling when he sees your phone pointed straight at him. His mouth drops open and his fingers tighten over the belt, “What the fuck-?”

“-This man has been beating this poor hybrid along with many others to the brink of death, and has likely been doing it for as long as they’ve been in the show-” 

“-You little bitch!” The ringmaster lunges toward you, threateningly snapping the belt at his side. “I’ll-” 

“-Touch me and you’ll be answering to more than just the MHA.” You threaten back, somehow keeping your voice steady and strong. You hope he can’t see the way your hands are quivering with the camera in your grasp, “You are being broadcasted live with over eight hundred people watching right now. I wouldn’t be surprised if the police are already on their way right now-”

The ringmaster’s eyes widen, “-You-You’re lying! Th-They can’t-” 

“-I suggest you put the weapon down. It’s already looking pretty bad for you.” 

You’ve never felt more relieved in your entire life when the sound of the belt hitting the floor enters your ears one last time.  

~~*~~**~~*~~

Never before in your life have you ever been as terrified as you were in that moment. Even after the cops showed up, you still felt uneasy and sick and horrified all in one. The lady you were with likely noticed your trauma which is probably the only reason she allowed you, Chan and Woojin to leave as easily as you did. She also offered to call someone for you, but you declined. God forbid your aunt ever find out about any of this.  

You can’t even understand what the hell just happened. 

You had heard and seen so many stories about hybrid abuse, but witnessing one before your very own eyes is so much different. That hybrid was practically teetering on the cliff of death and yet his owner didn’t care one bit. All he cared was that he messed up his routine during the show. 

Humans are truly cruel, aren’t they? 

The trip back to the car was suffocating. Chan kept trying to speak to you, but all you could return were either one word answers or just complete silence. Eventually, Woojin had to tell him to leave you alone. You felt like a porcelain doll on the verge of shattering into thousands of pieces. One tap, and you’ll just break. At least he’s talking to you again. Or trying to. 

You felt a little better after Seungmin and Woojin’s reunion. The bright smile on Chan’s face made everything worth it too. Then again, you wouldn’t hesitate to do something like that again. At least, you hope you wouldn’t. 

The only issue is you can still hear the snap of the belt inside your head. 

Wanting to distract yourself, you lurch forward to turn up the heat in the car even though it’ll probably do nothing to settle the chill in your body. You peer up into the rear view mirror and your heart warms at the sight of Seungmin and Woojin sleeping against one another. You gulp, noticing the faint welts adorning Woojin’s palms. 

“(Y/N), you’re drifting again.” 

At Chan’s observation, you turn the steering wheel to correct the course of the car. You hum, “Sorry. Thanks.” 

The silence from before resumes with the only noise being Seungmin’s deep breathing and Woojin’s soft snores. From the goosebumps emerging over your skin, you can tell Chan is studying your face. And though you try to ignore it, you can’t this time. 

“What, Chan?” 

“I didn-” 

You shake your head, “I can feel you staring. If you want to say something, please, just say it.” 

Chan sighs, watching as you guide the car to turn at another yellow light. Luckily, at this hour, there were no other cars. He murmurs, “I’m worried about you. What happened was-” 

“-Terrible? You know what, yeah, it was.” You never meant for your tone to emerge bitter, but you couldn’t help it. 

“You’re upset.” 

You scoff, “No shit, I’m upset. One minute you’re there, and the next, you’re gone. Whatever happened to the plan?” 

“I just needed to get to him.” 

“And we would have. Goddamn it, Chan, we would have.” Tears well in your eyes at the images that plague your mind. The snap of the belt, Woojin’s pleas, screaming, blood, Chan. “Do you know how worried I was? What would have happened if I hadn’t found you guys? What would have happened to you?” 

“(Y/N)-” 

“-I could’ve lost you today.” You didn’t even realize you were crying until a tear drop lands on the flesh of your arm. Your mind was telling you to shut down, but with everything that had happened, you needed this. You needed Chan to know this:

“If something were to happen to you, and I wasn’t there to save you…” Your voice fades away and you find yourself unable to continue. Instead, you allow the tears to freely cascade down your cheeks. The remaining five minutes it takes to pull into the lot of your apartment building is excruciating. Chan hasn’t said one word, yet continues to stare at you. 

You shake your head and plead, “Say something, please.”

Chan still doesn’t say a word. Not even when you turn to wake the two other hybrids. Not even through the elevator trip up to your apartment. Not even through when you get Woojin and Seungmin all settled in their room. And it’s not until you’re closing your own bedroom door when Chan does answer.

But even by the time he does speak, his words are stopped by the wood of your door and never reach your ears.  

[cutebutstillsingle]

REASONS WHY YOU’RE STILL SINGLE: BECAUSE YOU’RE DATING A NARCISSIST, PART 2 (examples from my “entertained a narcissist” situationship)

                          ...............................................................

Sadly it might have to be one of those horrible experiential learning kinds of situations where you can’t “know” what I’m talking about until you live through it.  But hopefully you catch any narcissistic and inappropriate behavior before it annihilates your spirit completely, and before it starts permanently making you doubt and question your own sound judgement and amazing qualities.  The less you tolerate narcissistic behavior, the better you fare.  

I’m gonna be vulnerable and admit that never in my wildest imagination of knowing myself, would ever think that I, of all people, could get emotionally manipulated by narcissistic behavior.  I like to consider myself a “no bullshit” kind of person.    Either way, I feel like I did take some narc bullets that still have me shook to this day as I learn more and more about myself and do the work of running through that relationship to learn from it.  

Here are 10 real life examples of red flags that I allowed to permanently enter my memory bank, because the chemistry and similarities between me and this dude seemed so unbelievable that I wasn’t thinking clearly.  I’m grateful to God that I still managed to picked up on some of the yellow lights and red flags.  When I dumped him, I literally had to tell myself “do it now, or you’re going to lose your nerve”.  I genuinely believe that was the holy spirit speaking to me.  Because on my own strength I would have stayed in, and what I have gained by parting ways is priceless in getting to know and love myself more.   

CLUE 1= He was still fully in touch wit his ex wife, and would openly  talk about being in touch with her.  At some points he even said he still loved her, despite saying that he loved me within one month of meeting me.  But I was that stupid and I ignored it.  In reality, a man should not be in touch with any past partners whatsoever unless he has kids with them.  And no one should say “I love you” to a complete stranger they just met a month ago, and then turn back around and also say they still love their ex-wife. Also, pay attention: EX wife.  There’s a reason they did not last. And it may have been him.  

CLUE  2= He started disclosing way too much about himself to me, a complete stranger that he had only known for about a month.  I now realize this was on purpose to make me feel like it was a “safe” space to disclose way the eff too much about myself way too soon.  Ladies, pay attention please. Nobody should be revealing classified information about your life to anyone who you have known for less than six months.  You should only be telling your most intense personal information to people who know you the absolute BEST, and who have made it into your inner circle after proving their trustworthiness to know your secrets, keep them, and never use them against you. 

CLUE 3= Whenever I would talk about things that excited and interested me, he would rapidly shut them down, make me feel dumb for being excited by my interests.  I was reading a David Goggins book and he tried so hard to shit on David Goggin’s accomplishments saying anyone could do Navy Seal swimming drills.  He also tried to accuse me of being sexually attracted to David Goggins (David Goggins is of neutral attraction to me, TBH.  One has to imagine David Goggins is not terrible in bed if he approaches sexuality with the same approach he uses for the rest of his life endeavors, lololol.  But that shouldn’t make anyone you date feel that insecure).  If I was excited by learning yoga inversions, he would say he did gymnastics for years as a kid and it’s not that big of a deal. If I said I wanted to learn to bake better cookies, he would say his aunt and mom were the best cookie bakers in the world.  After I baked a kick ass batch of chocolate chip cookies because he said he loved sweets, he wouldn’t even try one.  A narcissist will work hard to make you feel like you can’t ever be worthy or good enough.

CLUE 4= He refused to ever meet any of my friends. And I think this is because he refused to see me in an empowered state where other genuinely kind and awesome people were drawn to me just for being my kind and awesome self.  Weirdly, I had met all his friends and family within a month of knowing him.  

CLUE 5= He would repeatedly say that most people were dumb and sheep-like. Again, with this need to put others down.  

CLUE 6= He actively hated on complete strangers and nearly all of his family members.  Road rage with insults was a common occurrence.  

CLUE 8= He had a history of severe alcohol and substance addiction and abuse. His version of it was “I am in recovery and have been sober for X number of years.  I was arrested in the past for a DUI,  and that was the point that turned it all around and I knew I had to get sober.  I got myself sober with no help”.  

Well the truth was he was NOT completely sober-- he was still a hardcore pothead, and he still drank NA beers on the regular that tasted just like beer because they are beer.   I later ended up background checking him when I was learning how to use background check websites as research for this blog (which I’ll discuss in a future post); and uh... his history was WAY worse than he made it seem.  People with substance addiction issues are often narcissistic. The two often go hand in hand.  

CLUE 7= He once told me that during an argument with his brother and family, his brother said I was ugly. A solid BF would never pass on any indirect insults to his GF. I have a feeling that this was never true, TBH.   Steve Harvey has said in his book “Act Like a Lady Think Like a Man” that if a man truly loves a woman, he will protect her.  And that includes protecting her from anything negative anyone says about her.  If there’s one thing I know about me, I’m in “the pretty girls club”.  Not to sound conceited because looks aren’t everything and we will all end up old, gray, and wrinkled one day.  But I come from a family line of historically gorgeous women; and I have been a competitive and paid professional Tahitian dancer since I was 13.  Google “Tahitian dance Competition” or “Heiva i Tahiti” if you want to see what gorgeous women look like.   But the point is, to this day, that comment began to erode my self-esteem.

CLUE 8= At other times he unleashed passive aggressive insults such as “I can’t deal with your apparent relationship insecurities”-- I called him on this immediately.  And mind you, this line was how he responded when I asked him to join me at a BBQ invite with some of my friends, and I was disappointed when he said no.  

CLUE 9= he was arrogant.  Never did he fail to boast about all his accomplishments, skills, and intelligence.  He also had a lot of grandiose ideas.  

CLUE 10= when I dumped him, he immediately responded by calling me a “train wreck” and a “bitch”.  At no point was there a “wait.. what?  Please don’t do this.  We need to talk, I’m calling you/ I’m coming over, I still want to be with you”.  I’m not kidding in the least when I say his immediate response was “I dodged a major train wreck. Good luck bitch, you gonna need it.  

Well, good luck, narcissists of the world, you gonna need it.  Because narcissists and narcissistic behavior are the real train wrecks we all need to learn to avoid if we want to date successfully.

[lydah]

hey everyone, I am approaching my tenth year of retail service because i am old, and i have noticed that a lot of my friends and followers are applying for their first jobs (i am so sorry) so i just wanted to share some Retail Survival Knowledge and advice for everyone who is joining the retail side of work (i am so sorry)

This is all just things I had to learn myself, that I wish somebody had told me 10 years ago. 

1. Everything you read about interviews doesn’t apply to retail. The first 8 months of trying to get a job were held back by me trying to call back or walk in to ask about the job, giving bullshit answers to questions like “what is your greatest weakness” (EVEN THOUGH being a perfectionist IS my greatest weakness, i was able to repaint it to sound like it by saying “i am such a nervous wreck I can get very upset about trivial things and that’s something I’m working on etc explain explain explain” to make it sound real.) 

2. Just bring a resume, even if its shitty. Put anything on there you can, Just 4 months ago I applied for 3 jobs and every single one said the same thing, “you have a resume, you’re already 2 steps ahead of everyone else who’s come in here.” 

3. Retail interviewers are looking for warm bodies, not professionals. Most of my coworkers aren’t seasoned retail workers, but just teenagers looking for their first job. Go there, be a human, chatter, have fun, they’re just a human too, often a human who isn’t making much more than you will be. 

I know it’s hard, especially if you’re a fellow anxious wreck, but think about it this way. When you walk into that interview, look at it like “i am here to provide you with a service, what can you do for me?” rather than “i need money please please hire me.” This helps a ton with confidence levels, and I think saying things the right way means more than what you say. 

The past 3 jobs I applied for, I got job offers on, not because I was treating the interviewer like a saint who may give me a sweet, sweet paycheck that can’t pay my bills, but because I talked to them from one human being to another. Being real in the interview is refreshing. The more I talked to them as an equal peer, the better the interviews were received. 

Remember, you ARE providing them with a service. Nobody wants these jobs, they don’t pay well, the retail customer culture has become a literal hellscape with weekly horror stories, and most jobs are understaffed. It’s easy to get a job in retail, because retail NEEDS people. Every hiring manager I’ve talked to has said it, whenever I’ve brought up the problem with understaffing and hours. “Trust me, we are looking, we are campaigning, we stand at the front of the store giving out flyers to find hirees. The problem is nobody wants to work here.” 

4. All Retail jobs are the same. From Walmart to Target, from Winco to Kroger, from Petsmart to Best Buy, they all offer basically the same nearly pointless benefits, they all offer basically the same pay, and regardless of anything, they all offer basically the same work experience. Just apply to whatever is close by. 

Winco gets so much positive press for being progressive and paying well, but you won’t see those benefits til you’ve been there for a decade, and who wants to stick around for 10 years, especially after the company got bought by Albertsons. Walmart gets a lot of shit for being a bad company when they’re literally doing the same thing everyone else does, but they’re more blatant about it. I worked at one Walmart when I started transitioning and it was possibly my favorite job, while Winco was probably one of the worst experiences I’ve ever had in my life, full of OSHA violations and daily cuts and bruises. It’s the workers that make the job, not the company. Remember that. 

5. I cannot, stress this one enough, Loyalty doesn’t get you anywhere. If you don’t like your job, look for a new one. The raises you’ll get every 6 months to a year will not give you any difference in your paychecks. Oftentimes, the raises are so low you’ll end up eventually getting paid less than people who are just getting hired on, because the companies minimum wage climbs faster than the 6-10 cent raises you’ll get on a yearly basis. I gave walmart 4 years of my time with impeccable full time work, and by the end I was getting paid 80 cents less than a kid who was just hired and had no work experience. Experience doesn’t matter, seniority doesn’t matter, you’re a number to them, they don’t care. 

6. Be friendly with your managers, but don’t forget that managers are not your friends. Anything you say to them can and will be used against you. As a Chronic Oversharer, this is probably one of the hardest things for me. Give them as little information as possible, don’t add them on social networking until after you’ve quit, be careful what you say. Their job is to manipulate. They get friendly so you stick around, so you share information you shouldn’t, and so you keep working hard for them even if they don’t pay you for your work.

7. Ask Questions. Ask So Many Questions. This was something it took me a while to get used to. I was scared of annoying my peers, so instead of doing things right, I took guesses to stay out of everyone’s hair. This isn’t good for you, it’ll make your coworkers hate you because when you make mistakes, we have to fix them. As the Local Retail Know-It-All, I will always love a coworker who doesn’t guess infinitely more than one who tries to keep a low profile by acting like they know what they’re doing. If you ever have a question, Ask It. Ask your coworker, ask your manager, ask the resources on the computer if the company has them posted online, if you’re not sure about something, ask until you’re sure. I’ve never had somebody get annoyed by it. 

Asking shows you care, even if you don’t. It provides you with knowledge that will help you with this company, or help you with future companies. Every job I’ve had has had nearly the same premise with slightly different layouts and interfaces. I’ve gotten to the point where any retail store I walk into, I know how to do everything. Getting that knowledge makes you more hireable, which also makes you harder to pin down, because you won’t feel stuck somewhere if you hate it. 

8. Finally, the minute that you might have an OUT to get away from retail and into any field you’re EVEN SLIGHTLY interested in, TAKE IT. GET OUT. If somebody says they want to teach you to be a dog trainer, TAKE IT. If somebody says you’d be good in an office because of how fast you type, TAKE IT. If somebody acknowledges that you’re super good with this piece of technology and that you’d be good working for this company that pays 5 dollars more per hour, TAKE IT. 

OF COURSE this doesn’t mean you should be gullible, if something seems too good to be true, it probably is. Be skeptical of people who seem shady, people you don’t know, and weird signs you find on the street. Scammers do exist, don’t put yourself in danger because somebody is offering something unrealistic. But if its a friend, a coworker, anyone who can give you a contact, it is ALWAYS worth looking into. I gave up too many opportunities because of my fruitless and unnecessary comfort and loyalty with where I was. I’ve been offered jobs that were clearly fake, too. Look into things, but don’t be brash about it. Look things up online, follow your gut, but don’t give up opportunities for a company that doesn’t care about you. 

I know that looking for work can be scary, and I believe you’ll find something. If you’re not good at interviews, THATS OKAY, there will always be some manager who is so desperate for help theyll hire anyone who walks in. That might be the first job you get, and it might suck, but it’ll give you something to put on your resume. Just keep looking! I believe in you!

Also, I know that this is painting it all with a very negative lense, but don’t be intimidated by it, it gives you a place to start in life, and in this climate, that’s what is important. Retail has helped me a lot with my social skills and anxiety, and has made me a lot of memorable friends, and turned me into the person I am today. 10 years ago I thought I was going to do retail for the rest of my life, but after all of this shit, I have the confidence to pursue greater things. 

My point is, don’t sacrifice your health, your safety, and your comfort for a shit job. ITS JUST RETAIL. Its your fellow coworkers who will make the retail life tolerable, it’ll be people like me who will teach you the ropes, and you should listen to them. The Cynical Coworker Who Has Been Doing This Shit Too Long has always been my best friend. You’ll be able to spot them a mile away. Hold onto them while you can, they always leave before you know it. 

Good luck to everyone who might find this info useful, remember I believe in you, and I think you’re going to do just fine, it’s not as scary as it seems. Life will take you places, and you’ll get where you want to be, even if it takes you longer than your peers. Just keep moving forward, and know that YOU GOT THIS.  

[ice-cream-nekogirl]

Midoriya, Bakugou and Todoroki with an S/O who has Trypophobia

Lol I’m gonna be honest with ya’ll but this was based of my own trypophobia… it’s a real thing... things with a bunch of little circles and holes disgust and freak the HELL out of me... soo I thought it’d be cool to introduce this! And American Horror Story inspired me too since it’s so far the first show I’ve seen to actually mention and address trypophobia! I wouldn’t look at any images with trypohobia though... those things are... disgusting... 

But hey enjoy! And I’m so sorry for any OOC-ness!!

Izuku Midoriya:

You and Midoriya have been friends since kindergarten, so that means the two of you naturally protected each other from bullies, or Bakugou to be more precise.

Of course, you had a little less fear than Midoriya, so you were the one who always stood up to Bakugou and protected Midoriya constantly. Midoriya’s always been amazed by you and believed you had absolutely no fear given how constantly you stood up to Kacchan.

“(Y-Y/N)-chan!” Midoriya had cried out your name as you whacked Bakugou in the back of the head with a tennis racket with a mighty shout. “WHY YOU FUCKING BITCH!” Bakugou nearly blasted you as he set off his quirk in a fit of anger after you dared to hit him, but your teleportation quirk allowed you to get away just in time every time.

“I’ll kill you! Do you hear me?!” He would always threaten you, but you would just laugh if off and grab Midoriya by the hand to teleport him and yourself away from a very angry Bakugou. Every. Single. Time.

Those were the times that convinced Midoriya that you were fearless, even though the truth was, you had a couple of fears that normally didn’t bother you, although you did have one fear that embarrassed you the most: Your trypophobia.

Ergo, the fear of holes or clusters of holes. You had no idea why or how you developed this fear, but it was stuck with you and now you were doomed to cringe and feel nauseous every time you saw a cluster of holes or anything that looked like little holes.

Midoriya had better things to fear though, and better things to deal with though so you never told him about this dumb little fact because you were worried that this would shatter his image of his ‘fearless best friend’.

You should have known better though than to try and hide something from your dear Izuku, boy was always observant and always paid attention to his loved ones. Especially when it was you.

He had noticed your aversion to the little things such as when you cringed upon seeing a beehive, pictures of octopuses and a little piece of coral that he had showed you once on the beach.

And then there was the way you couldn’t stand seeing all of Mineta’s sticky balls whenever he threw too much of them. Well, that was a little harder to tell since Mineta disgusted you constantly but seeing all those balls in a cluster together actually triggered your trypophobia whenever you paid too much attention to them.

Midoriya of course, did his research and picked up pretty quick on this aversion, and although he was nervous he did eventually ask you. “(Y/N)-chan… are you… disgusted by clustered patterns?”

You flinched, getting extremely nervous once he asked you such a dreaded question, but you sighed because you knew that there was no hiding from Izuku. “Yes…”

Eventually, you explained why holes and clustered patterns freaked the hell out of you, and then you showed him some pictures on the internet that made him cringe at first and he had to look away a few times since they were… gross.

But after seeing one too many disturbing images including a rather vile picture of little holes on a person’s hand he was starting to freak out just a little bit, “A-Ahhh…! I-I… c-completely understand it now! P-Please close those images!!” Izuku didn’t regret asking you about your phobia, but seeing all those disgusting pictures of trypophobia triggers was starting to make him wonder if he was trypophobic too…

“I didn’t mean to hide this from you but… it’s kinda pathetic how I can whack dumb Bakugou over the head and yet a bunch of little circles are what scare me…” You shyly admitted, looking quite embarrassed and a little ashamed and yet you just saw Izuku shaking his head and smiling.

“You are NOT pathetic at all (Y/N)-chan. This is just a phobia you can’t help… honestly I don’t blame you…” He said sincerely, yet nervously. Kacchan was scary, but those holes were… disgusting…

“Nothing could make me find you pathetic at all. Especially not an understandable phobia.” His smile grew as he warmly blushed. And you blushed quite madly yourself, but from absolute joy.  

“I know they’re just pictures but... I’ll make you feel better if you see anything else that just... scares you... like you always did for me.” He then added, wanting nothing other than to protect you from anything even if it was from ordinary things that happened to have disgusting patterns on them.

Somehow, you managed to blush even darker. You knew Izuku was always a sweetheart, but this... this really did it for you so much that you nearly teared up.

Overjoyed you suddenly ran into his arms to wrap him in a tight hug, which made him blush bright red as he stiffened and trembled at the closeness. “Thank you Izuku~.” Although he was still blushing, Izuku gently hugged you back.

“Of course (Y/N)-chan...but if it ever gets really bad or freaks you out, don’t hesitate to call me okay?”

Deku truly was the most understanding boyfriend ever, a true hero to you.

Bakugou Katsuki:

You weren’t fearless, but you weren’t a coward either. Yet somehow, your boyfriend managed to make you feel like you were since you expressed fear more than he did.

It’s not that Bakugou liked to taunt you or belittle you whenever you got scared or expressed your fear of certain things, but he just got frustrated with how you let certain things terrify you so much. He was always like this with you since childhood though, so you weren’t completely un-used to it.

If anything, Bakugou just gave you his aggressive form of tough love so that way you would hopefully get over your fears, but the truth was, it wasn’t easy for you to simply get over phobias.

And yet, he knew this which is why he always helped you in his own gruff and tough way to get rid of whatever it was that was freaking you out even if he always looked pissy about it and never let his friends know just how much he cared about you.

But you had enough phobias as it is and you didn’t want to hear what he would have to say about one of your worst phobias, which was your trypophobia, a fear of holes. Something you never mentioned to him at all, even though the two of you grew up together, you never let him know about it.

You always imagined Bakugou giving you such an incredulous, sneering glare if he found out, and him asking, “What the fuck? You’re afraid of holes? How much more pathetic can you get (Y/N)?” And then you imagined yourself just closing your eyes and walking away so you wouldn’t have to hear anymore from him.

It wasn’t happening, you were so not telling him that mere little holes terrified and disgusted you so much. Thousands of little, gaping, disgusting holes that just stared at you every time you saw them.

However, Bakugou was far from stupid and blind, he knew that you acted weird whenever you saw things with weird patterns like a waffle of all things, and then he saw you cringing over a freaking strawberry at breakfast once.

It wasn’t the first time he noticed this too, he’s also seen you get antsy whenever you saw things like bubbles or a bunch of little circles and the way you constantly recoiled from them.

Though when he saw you giving that nervous look again and practically scratching yourself after seeing a honeycomb, that’s when he knew it was beyond just normal disgust. He was so confronting you about this.

As soon as you went back inside, he wasn’t too gentle when he grabbed your shoulder and brought you close to him.

“Hey Shitty Girl, what the hell’s been up with you and all these things like strawberries and honeycombs?” That was blunt as always, but you were even more scared now than you were of those disgusting holes he was clearly talking about.

“It’s nothing Katsuki. Nothing’s up at all... strawberries? Hee-hee... who said anything about strawberries...?” You tried to be casual and shrug that off, but that just made your boyfriend madder. Though you didn’t know that it actually kind of hurt that you weren’t being honest with him.

“Bullshit, you always act weird whenever you see things with little holes like strawberries or anything else that has a bunch of stupid little circles.” He stated the thing he knew you couldn’t hide from, and the shocked look on your face meant that he was right. You clearly had a problem with those things.

“Whaaat…? Awww, c’mon Katsu… I DON’T act weird when I see stuff like that, I don’t know what you’re talking about...” Despite that, you just scoffed and crossed your arms but looked down, which was just more proof that you were lying and it was pissing him off.

“Stop lying! Are you afraid of those little shitty holes or something? How stupid do you think I am?! You’re always looking away when you see things with a bunch of little circles.” He finally shouted, or at least shouted louder since being quiet was never his strong point. Bakugou wasn’t trying to be mean, or at least he was trying to not be as mean as possible, he was just concerned and wanted you to just tell him if you had a problem or something and maybe he could try and help somehow.

His tone made you cringe as you closed your eyes at how strong his volume was, you still weren’t looking at him, so he forced you to look at him as he grabbed your face with his hands so you were looking him right in his eyes. He looked angry, as always, and yet hurt and concerned too… which mildly shocked you since your boyfriend wasn’t known for his compassion at all.

Grunting slightly, you started to blush in embarrassment as you mustered up all the courage to just own up to it.

“I was hoping you would be at least stupid enough to not notice…” Sighing, you closed your eyes. “It’s called trypophobia…” You finally said it. “Yes. It’s the fear of holes and clusters and anything with weird patterns with a bunch of ‘shitty little holes’…” As you further explained it to him, you were surprised that Bakugou wasn’t laughing or giving you any looks. Other than his typical scowl, except this one looked somehow angrier than normal.

“And why the hell didn’t you mention this to me a long time ago?” For once he sounded calm, but that actually made him scarier and you could feel your heart starting to race, feeling almost a little guilty for neglecting to tell him that since you and him told each other almost everything.

“I thought you’d make fun of me. You already get on me about my fear of gross little insects like spiders and roaches, and the dark, and clowns… I didn’t want you to remark on how I can’t even handle a bunch of little holes…a bunch of disgusting, little holes that just stare at me…” You reluctantly and guiltily admitted, unable to see the expression on his face.

“You probably think I’m an idiot.” You chuckled wryly, but you were shocked when he took your face in his hands again, pressing your forehead against his.

“You ARE an idiot.” Bakugou, for once didn’t say that to be an asshole, if anything, it was affectionate as he pulled away with a light pink tinge on his cheeks.

“Tch. I don’t get these weird fears of yours, but you should let me know about them… just so I can get rid of those dumb things for you so they don’t have to freak you out...” He grumbled as his blush worsened, which made you widen your eyes and blush heavily.

”Nothing’s gonna scare my girl and get away with it. I’ll kill every last one of those fuckers who puts up any shitty trypo-whatever pictures to scare you if I have to!” He somewhat loudly said, naturally implying murder to anything that dared to scare you.

Although, you couldn’t quite stop yourself from grinning widely because that was just Lord Explosion Murder’s way of saying that he’ll protect you from anything. Yet, despite the mention of murder you pulled him in a tight hug and squealed happily.

“Katsuki, you’re the best! Thank you! Thank you so much I love you, you are the best!” You suddenly exclaimed, overwhelmed with joy and relief that at least he wasn’t making fun of you despite how silly your phobia must have been to him. You giggled when you saw Bakugou blush even harder as he growled lightly.

“Damn right I am…” He muttered and looked away, putting his arm around you in a somewhat protective way. No stupid clusters of fucking little holes were going to scare you under his watch.

Clearly you had underestimated how much he cared about you and loved you. But he just reminded you why you loved him so much, he would always protect you, whether it’s from spiders, clowns or holes. Even if it meant literally killing either of those things, he would do it just to protect you.

Nothing scares his girl.

Todoroki Shouto:

You had many fears despite the fact that many assumed you were fearless. And one of your many fears was rejection, which is why you were hella shocked but extremely happy when Todoroki Shouto, the boy you crushed on at first sight had actually accepted your first date proposals.

Of course, you had no idea that the more you and Todoroki became friendly with each other, the more his own feelings for you grew as you steadily helped defrost his cold demeanor.

He didn’t quite understand them at first, but overtime he found himself gradually wanting to protect you. Especially when you began to open up about some of the things that scared you, such as disgusting insects like spiders or centipedes, or clowns like the ones in those horror movies that even he had to admit kind of unnerved him. To this day he doesn’t enjoy watching ‘It’.

But you didn’t quite tell him about your trypophobia yet, that still kind of embarrassed you since you were sure that Todoroki wouldn’t get why clusters of weird patterns and holes would be scary and disgusting.

Not only that, but very little fazed Todoroki, there’s no way he would understand that phobia, so it was just better to keep that one to yourself as much as you could.

Todoroki was still working on observing his closest friends, but once he started officially dating you he began to observe you because even the littlest quirks and flaws fascinated him and made him like you even more.

Although he was still oblivious to some things, he wasn’t whenever you got really excited or really scared, but especially when you got scared or showed even the slightest bit of disgust or apprehension.

He knew fear when he saw it, because after all he lived in fear for the first half of his life so he could understand when people were scared.

And he saw some fear every time you saw odd things like when you washed some dishes one night and stared at the little bubbles with a somewhat agitated look.

Then there was the time he took you out for breakfast and you had ordered a crumpet and once you got it, he saw the way you appeared just so uneasy staring at the seemingly harmless pastry.

At first he didn’t think much of it, but he couldn’t quite get the way you looked at those things out of his head. It was something he thought was worth asking you about, just so he could try and help you avoid looking so troubled.

But before he would decide to ask you, he went to Midoriya and Iida for their input. After telling them about the things that seemingly unnerved you, Midoriya came to the conclusion that it was the patterns that freaked you out, with Iida stating the term ‘trypophobia’ and defining it for Todoroki.

Now it all made sense to him once he let it sink in. He couldn’t just accuse you of it though, he wanted to ask you first.

So he chose to ask you right after you were finished sparring against Bakugou of all people, someone you were surprisingly not afraid of despite his crazy strength.

“(Y/N). Are you trypophobic?” His question was so point-blank that it caught you off-guard and you nearly jumped where you had sat down next to him. You practically trembled just hearing him say the word ‘trypophobic’. How did he know what that was?!

The way he stared at you wasn’t helping at all, but you knew that despite the fact that Todoroki could be socially oblivious at times that you wouldn’t be able to lie to him about this, especially if he knew what it was apparently.

“Yes…” It took you about a whole minute just to say it, but you did. You were met with silence, save for the hum of acknowledgement from Todoroki.

“You only mentioned your fear of insects and clowns.” He stated, and you sighed heavily and shook your head. “Yeah… cuz those are normal fears. I was embarrassed… I mean… holes? Really…?” You faked a smile, obviously kind of ashamed of it. “I don’t know why… I hate that I’m afraid of them but… God…” Then you shook your head when you thought too much on the holes.

“Iida says that trypophobia stems from disgust. It’s almost instinctual for people.” Todoroki sounded strangely understanding, and gentle as he had been with you.

Which surprised you as you looked at him, an involuntary flush dusting your cheeks as you slowly nodded, “H-He’s not wrong… they’re repulsive…” You shuddered a bit, reluctantly getting out your phone and typing the dreaded word in, closing your eyes as you pressed ‘images’ and showed them to your boyfriend.

Todoroki didn’t flinch, but he did pay attention to those… admittedly nauseating images as you scrolled down to show him some even more disturbing images. Such as a hand with thousands of little holes in them. He stopped you at the fourth image, deciding that those were enough.

You looked to see his expression, his stoic expression having turned into one of mild shock, he was quiet for a starting 2 minutes before he finally said something. “That’s gross.”

His sudden response made you snicker as you nodded, “Yeah… tell me about it… whoever made those should be imprisoned for life…”

“It’s in my head now.” Todoroki sighed heavily, now he couldn’t not see those disgusting pictures, but he now understood why you had such a fear.

“Hee-hee… I’m sorry Shouto…” You apologized sheepishly, but Todoroki shook his head, “You shouldn’t apologize for being afraid of something that is truly revolting.” He was very understanding, and it just made you blush even more. And God you felt so relieved now.

“But I’ll protect you from anything that frightens you (Y/N). Even if it includes things like crumpets or vile pictures of holes on the internet.” Todoroki declared to you, and you couldn’t help but giggle and pull him into a gentle hug.

“Thank you Shouto~. My knight in shining armor~.” You said playfully but sweetly as Todoroki blushed but he did gently hug you back. 

Yeah, you had nothing to fear with a surprisingly great boyfriend like Shouto.

[inkedsevans]

seeing red. | solo

WHO: sam evans (with mentions of others)

WHAT: he should have expected this. sam runs into an old, unfriendly face.

WHEN: 2/8; evening.

WHERE: the maggie

WARNINGS: mentions of alcoholism; and also violence.

In hindsight, Sam realized maybe, he should have expected this. Perhaps not subconsciously, but part of him was at least prepared for the talk. After all, it was all anyone in Castleport ever fucking did. And growing up the son of the town’s most infamous bar owner (and notorious drunk), he was used to it. The looks, the whispers, the same snarky comments from the people who’d mock his father but still find their asses on The Maggie’s bar stools on any given night. 

And maybe, that was the reason he never got as angry as he could have, should have. Make no mistake; he was plenty angry at the overstepping and invasion of his family’s privacy. But these people would talk their shit while lining the tills though that was barely enough to keep his temper leashed. 

Until that blog interfered. Once again, putting his family’s business on blast for all the town to see...and for what. What was the reason for bringing the attention to his father’s whereabouts? Sam wasn’t sure what irritated him more. That it happened or that if it hadn’t, he wouldn’t have even known the name of the facility where his father was currently drying out. 

He’d discarded the paper with the information Quinn had given him, pushing it back towards her after their fight. And true to his word, he hadn’t mentioned his father to Stacy. He didn’t know if she’d gone to visit James, choosing instead to maintain his icy silence where their father was concerned. It wasn’t his money paying for this overpriced excursion and he wasn’t about to dig deeper. 

That attitude had obviously not been extended to the rest of Castleport. The antics of some anonymous asshole had once again put a spotlight on his family and their issues. The mean-spirited, callousness of it all called to mind the weirdness from last year. The pranks inflicted on him and others he knew. It wasn't completely off to think it was connected, the anonymity and hyper focus just as irritating as being locked in a freezing shed, but Sam couldn't connect the dots. 

Maybe the only thing it all had in common was his anger. It was harder to push aside now, though. The strain of it visible in the hunched line of broad shoulders and his jaw, clenched so tightly it gave him a headache. Hiding away wouldn't do. He couldn't do it; he had hours at the shop, clients to see and he was thankful the distance between Castleport and Portland was significant enough that he could work in relative peace, dodging looks and questions. 

It lasted until he reached The Maggie. 

The new bartender Natasha was a recent transplant to Castleport, from an even smaller town in upstate New York and Sam was glad to have her around. She was funny, good at her job, and Sam wouldn’t have to worry about replacing broken glasses. Really, all he needed to do was come in occasionally whenever office work was required. 

It could have waited until the next morning, when the bar was empty and he didn’t have to make small talk with anyone outside of the AM cleaning crew. But Sam told himself it was just a quick check-up. He parked around back and entered through the back exit, ignoring the sounds of clinking glasses and the din of voices that came from the bar. 

The office was spotless, everything in order, just the way his father had left it. At least there was some semblance of business as usual, the bar chugging along smoothly, even with the months-long absence of its owner. Marie, angel that she was, had even managed to take care of the liquor orders and the other business particulars, leaving Sam well and truly free for the evening. 

He turned to leave, this time going down the hallway, past the bathrooms and into the bar. It was packed, just like he figured. It was karaoke night and he could already see Wade, their usual MC gabbing on the microphone and getting the crowd hype in between the list of singers. 

Wild how even something like gossip wouldn’t stop people from coming in. Or maybe gossip was the reason, despite his very public opposition to it. He didn’t miss the furtive glances in his direction as he shouldered his way through the crowd to the bar. Sam barely acknowledged people with nothing more than a passing nod, unwilling to be drawn into a conversation that would no doubt bring up whatever that gossip rag had to spew. And he was nowhere near drunk enough for that. 

Not that he wanted to drink. Sometimes, he thought about it, being so bombed out of his mind that thinking was made impossible. But the idea of it, the visions of cleaning up his father’s messes, and the glassy-eyed stare of nothingness stopped him from ever going too far. He couldn’t remember the last time he was wasted. Buzzed, maybe. But getting past any point beyond that terrified him. He was already dealing with enough shit as it were, no need to add a drinking problem to the list. 

Thoughts swirling, he let them take a backseat when he approached the shiny bar top, greeting Natasha with a smile and nodding at Danny, the other evening bartender. He was a good guy, graduated two years behind Sam and coached little league baseball in his free time. 

Sam shrugged out of his leather jacket and leaned on the bar top at the very end, blocking any drunk random from coming around and into the employee area. Olive eyes scanned the room, taking note of the mood. It seemed no worse than usual, but the night was fairly young and everyone wasn’t as deep into their cups just yet. He winced as the opening notes of some stale classic rock song filled the space, followed by a voice that could only be described as ‘godawful’ singing the words off-key and loud, seemingly spurred on by the raucous cheers that rose up. 

Natasha dropped a beer in front of him with a sympathetic smile, and Sam figured his displeasure must have been evident if she was placating him with a pilsner peace offering. Long fingers gripped the tall glass, watching the white foam settle into the golden lager before he lifted it to his lips for a tiny sip. 

One beer, and then he was out. The day’s exhaustion and bullshit drama had worn him out and Sam was tired of being ‘on’. He was ready for a quiet night of sweats and clearing out his streaming queue. 

Twenty minutes and four singers later, he was still nursing his beer and surveying the action. As much as people eyed him, they seemed more interested in staring him down than actually approaching. And he wasn’t sure which annoyed him more. Being treated like some ticking time bomb, some sideshow spectacle to take it at a distance, as if his feelings were unimportant. Whatever. Soon as his beer was finished, he was leaving, anyway. He was still weighing the options of going out the back way or taking the less crowded route through the front door when the smell of sweat and cheap beer hit him suddenly. 

He glanced up, nose wrinkling slightly at the sight before him. Rick ‘The Stick’ Nelson. Former hockey captain at Castleport High and forever a jackass. Sam had never liked the guy, not since their days in youth hockey, when Rick had swiped Sam on the ice, nearly fracturing Sam’s wrist with his stick and Sam returned the favor by smashing Rick into the Plexiglas. 

Last he’d heard, Rick had been in some front office job with the Bruins, no doubt bought and paid for by his father, who owned several sports equipment stores in Maine. So it was a surprise to see him lingering around town, and hovering around Sam, no less. 

“‘Sup, Samantha” Rick offered, thin lip curling into a cocky grin as if he’d delivered the best joke ever. 

“Rick the Dick. Least that hasn’t changed. Nice to see you lost the mullet, though.” Sam shifted back slightly, needing to get away from the overwhelming smell of the other man’s cologne. “Why are you here? In my bar, and in my face.” 

“Just passing through, checking out some possible recruits. Can’t believe this shithole’s still open. Gotta be tough to keep the place running when the owner’s drinking half the profits.” Rick’s grin slipped into a sneer, one Sam knew so well when it came to a particular tax bracket in a town like Castleport. Those types who always enjoyed reminding everyone else just how beneath them they really were.

Sam turned, elbows resting atop the bar to keep him from clenching his fists as outwardly, he attempted a look of bored indifference. “Shouldn’t you be moving along? There’s no jockstraps you gotta collect back in Boston? The Bruins must miss their best errand boy.” 

Rick laughed, the sound of it chipped and hard like ice and it only stoked an ugly feeling in Sam. “Nice. You were always a funny guy. Guess you gotta be, balances out the fuck-up. But hey, I hear congrats are in order. The old man’s in rehab. What’s that, first time sober in a decade?” Sam felt the hand come down hard on his shoulder and the smell of Rick’s boozy breath hitting him hard as the other man leaned in. “Shit, Rock Harbor. Gotta draw a lot of shitty tattoos to make those payments.” 

“Get your fuckin’ hand off me.” Sam didn’t bother turning to face him. He knew baiting when he heard it, knew it wouldn’t take much more for him to react, and he wasn’t sure if he was more annoyed at Rick or himself. 

Nah, it was definitely at Rick. 

He could see the look of concern that Natasha sent his way but he brushed it off with a minute shake of his head. He wasn’t going to drag anyone else into this shit. Rick was looking to be an asshole, and Sam didn’t want to play that game. 

He jerked out of the other man’s hold, his elbow clipping Rick’s bottle of beer and Sam winced when it slipped and dropped to the floor, smashing in a mess of glass and beer. 

“What the fuck, man!” Rick sputtered, loudly, drawing the attention of a few people sitting around. “It was just a joke, no need to smash my drink.” 

“That was all you,” Sam replied simply. He was in no mood for the show Rick was clearly gearing up for, especially as more people seemed to be paying attention. “You talked your shit and now your drink’s gone. Time to call it a night.” 

That didn’t sit well with Rick. His face, as ruddy as his rust-colored hair, contorted with anger and he glanced around at the growing audience before replying, raising his voice dramatically. “That’s how you treat a paying customer? Shit, everyone in here knows you need the money. Your daddy’s rehab bill ain’t gonna pay itself.” 

There was an audible gasp at that, and Sam exhaled, slowly. The ugly feeling rose, churning hotly in his gut and he could feel the twitch in his fingers. It grew watching Rick, who now that he’d gotten some attention, decided to kick it up a notch. He pulled out his wallet and tossed some bills in Sam’s face, the crowd’s reaction louder as the bills fluttered to the floor. 

“Better pick those up, Evans. That’s at least three therapy sessions for your drunk ass father. Better yet…” More money followed, landing right on the others but not before clipping Sam in the collar and his fingers flexed before curling tightly. The nails dug into the flesh of his palms and his peridot eyes were hard and flat as Rick fixed him with that stupid fucking sneer. “That’s for you. Just in case. ‘Cause it’s obvious fuck-up runs in the family.” 

Sam didn’t even know when he reached for the other man. But it was only when he felt that first punch connect with Rick’s cheek, and heard the exclamations did he realize what he’d done. 

It didn’t stop him, though. 

Something inside him snapped, the throb in his knuckles jolting him into the moment, focused and steeped in a hot fury that shook his hands but they were steady when he delivered another blow. It was so satisfying, seeing the blood, Rick’s lip already swelling before he managed to even hit Sam back. 

Sam barely registered the right hook to his eye, ignoring the pain of it and busied himself with busting Rick’s nose. The crunch of cartilage and Rick’s pained groans as Sam delivered another blow was the only sounds he could register, ignoring the way the music stopped and how people clamored out of their way, the noise of voices and shouts fading while he pummeled Rick, not even bothering to dodge the other man’s wild defensive swings. He didn’t feel anything, only that angry, ugly heat burning in his belly, letting his blows land hard and fast. 

Rick was on the ground when the bouncers finally managed to make it through the crowd to see what the commotion was about. Sam stood over him, chest heaving. He licked his lips, tasting the blood and the sting of an already swelling cut on his bottom lip and that only made him angrier. He watched the bouncers help Rick to his feet, cursing and swaying and Sam stepped forward,ready to bust him up again but was met with a hand to his shoulder from Kevin, one of the bouncers. 

He looked around, at the various reactions from the crowd. Stunned, impressed. Disgusted. 

Fuck them. 

Fuck this. 

“Get him outta here,” he told Kevin, who simply nodded and led the way while Rick shouted back at Sam, the words inaudible over the chatter of the crowd. 

Adrenaline pumped through him, his hands shaking with it as he grabbed his jacket from the bar top, not even bothering to look back at the bartenders as he stepped over the small pile of bills on the floor and moved toward the back door, finding it easier to get through the crowd with nearly everyone giving him a wide berth. 

He made it to his truck out back, and slid inside, the tremble in his hands still going strong, and the cold had done nothing to ease the hot anger roiling inside him. His gaze fell to his knuckles. Stinging and slightly bloody. Barely able to grip the steering wheel. Sam didn’t know how long he sat there, waiting for the shivery feeling to leave him before he finally pulled away and drove towards home.

[artificialqueens]

as the stars align 2/? (branjie) - rujubees

A/N: also on ao3

It was seven am on a Monday in late March, the first day of production on As the Stars Align, and it just had to be the day that Brooke’s cat Apollo decided to fall ill. He had been vomiting for a few hours now, and Brooke didn’t want to take any chances, deciding to call the vet when she was ready to leave for set and he still hadn’t stopped.

Naturally, her next step after that was to call Nina.

“God, what if he ate something poisonous? What if he’s really sick?” Brooke asked, tears filling her eyes at the thought.

“I’m sure it’s nothing, sweetheart. Can you imagine if you called the doctors every time you threw up? He probably just has a hangover,” her friend teased.

“That’s not helping, Nina.”

Brooke placed her on speaker, ushering Apollo inside of the cat carrier.

“Dammit, there’s no way I’m getting to work on time. Fuck,” Brooke cursed. She positioned the phone between her ear and shoulder, carrying Apollo out of the house.

“Relax, I doubt Katya Zamolodchikova has a single angry bone in her body, or Asia for that matter. No way are they gonna care about the star of the show being half an hour late.”

“God knows how long his appointment is gonna take, though.”

Brooke slammed her car door shut, thinking about how it was way too early in the morning to be this sweaty and this exhausted.

“Um, Brooke? Don’t act like you don’t have someone on speed dial who can take care of him for you.”

“I can’t force him to socialise, not right now. He hates people, he barely likes me.” Brooke let out a noise that was somewhere between a chuckle and a sob.

“Can’t you at least get a chauffeur or some fancy shit?”

“They don’t drive fast enough. Too concerned about safety and laws and shit.”

Nina laughed.

“Brooke Lynn, I love you, but if you land your speeding ass in a cell they’re gonna set your bail super high and I don’t think I could afford to pay it, even if I wanted to.”

“I gotta go. I love you too.”

—

Brooke made it to set at exactly nine twenty-two am, nearly two hours after her call time of half seven. It could’ve been worse, especially as they didn’t have much to shoot that day, but by the time her hair and makeup would be done it would already be approaching afternoon. It was a significant delay for sure, and some people would be pissed. Thankfully, Brooke had made some phone calls while waiting at the vet’s, and Katya and Asia were perfectly understanding. Even Michelle, who came down hard on punctuality, was able to sympathise.

What still sucked, though, was that she didn’t know what was wrong with Apollo yet. They’d kept him around to do some tests, and Brooke had reluctantly left his side, knowing that she was of no help anyway if she stuck around. At least work might serve as a distraction.

It was easier said than done, however, as she showed up to work unable to focus on anything but her baby, feeling like fragile glass that could shatter at any moment. It was a situation that was sure to culminate in either a mental breakdown or a lashing out aimed at the first person she came into contact with.

As soon as she saw Vanessa’s fiery brown eyes looking her up and down in a judgemental stare, she decided it was going to be the latter.

Before anything more could happen, Brooke felt a hand on her arm, and turned to see Katya inviting her into a warm hug.

“I’m so sorry,” she said warmly.

“It’s fine. I’m sure it’s nothing,” Brooke reassured her, squeezing back, trying to convince herself too that it would all be okay.

They let go and Brooke went off to take her place in hair and makeup. She made easy conversation with her makeup artist, Yvie, while waiting for her hairstylist Shuga. Yvie showed her a portfolio of looks she had put together, leaving Brooke in awe of her creativity.

“I should paint you like this for the movie, bitch,” Yvie said, pointing to various gruesome effects she had used in her makeup. “Can you imagine Michelle’s face when I stick you on set looking like a fucking Cyclops?”

Yvie let out a deep, contagious laugh at the mental image, and it wasn’t long before Brooke was joining her. It took her a minute to notice that Vanessa had also entered the trailer and sat down a few feet away in her own makeup seat, looking especially irked at the scene before her.

“Really, bitch? Two hours late and all anyone wants to do is fuckin’ cuddle and kiki with you.”

Vanessa was pissed as hell, and Brooke could feel her own face heating up.

“Mind your own fucking business,” Brooke snapped, wishing she was able to come up with a wittier response.

“What the fuck is wrong with you?! Out here wasting all of our times and you don’t even have the decency to apologise or feel bad about it.”

Shuga, along with Vanessa’s makeup artist Aquaria and hair stylist Kameron, started shuffling into the room. Brooke decided to hold her tongue and simply direct Vanessa with the most venomous look she could muster. She was surprised when her co-star didn’t back away in response with even so much as a flinch.

As the minutes traipsed by, keeping quiet was harder than Brooke thought it would be — all she wanted to do was go at it with Vanessa, sparring insults back and forth for hours. She wasn’t normally the confrontational type, but Vanessa was testing her.

They both kept to themselves for the rest of their time in the trailer, the silence being filled instead by the hair and makeup artists talking among themselves, clearly sensing the tension between the two leads.

Brooke couldn’t comprehend why Vanessa was being so harsh on her for being late one time. She doubted that anyone had told her the reason for her lateness, but Vanessa was hardly in a position to complain — she had been paid to sit around doing nothing while Brooke had been worrying her damn guts off. Okay, sure, she hadn’t been the most friendly to Vanessa the first time they’d met, but she’d remained perfectly professional. Since the chemistry read, her mind had flashed back to her first encounter with Vanessa an unreasonable amount of times. She couldn’t stop thinking about her annoying smug smirk that had seemed to be mocking her or those long, thick eyelashes fluttering all over the place, acting like she was all innocent. She knew she was making no sense, but something about the girl had just irked her from the start, and Brooke couldn’t pinpoint what it was.

Much to Brooke’s relief, she received a text from the vets at some point during the time she had been mentally cussing Vanessa out: Apollo was going to be fine. She let out a shaky breath but wasn’t gonna let herself get emotional over this — at least, not now in front of the damn trailer party.

After a while, Shuga, Yvie, Aquaria and Kameron left the pair alone, instructing them to wait for their makeup to dry or something that was probably a load of bullshit.

“If y’all lock this door on us on your way out, I swear ima whoop your ass,” Vanessa warned them.

Brooke turned to her, feeling calmer than she had been earlier, but Vanessa still had a lot of work to do in order to get on her good side.

“Can we go film this shit?” Brooke said, cringing as it came out more coldly than intended, even to her own ears.

Vanessa clenched her jaw, paused, and then stood up.

“Fine, but know that I don’t like you.”

She took off without a second look back, and it all stung just a bit more than Brooke was expecting.

—

“A’keria was right. She’s the worst,” Vanessa conceded a few days after she first started working with Brooke Lynn. She had been willing to give her the benefit of the doubt after their initial encounter, everyone has off days after all. But not only did she have the sweet nerve to show up late to their first day on set, she also followed it up with no apologies or explanations and instead went snuggling up to Katya and giggling with Yvie. Vanessa had felt a stab to the chest when she walked in on Brooke with the latter, the pair acting like they had known each other for years and laughing without a care in the world. Vanessa knew she was a handful and that her personality wasn’t for everyone, but Brooke hadn’t even made an effort to get to know her. Vanessa couldn’t wrap her head around it. It made whatever Brooke had against her feel all the more personal.

“I never said she was the worst,” A’keria corrected her, pulling Vanessa from her thoughts with her annoyance at either being misquoted, or having her favourite reality show interrupted, or both.

“Well, she’s the most rude, stuck up, unprofessional hoe I’ve ever met,” Vanessa huffed dramatically.

“I mean, if it doesn’t affect her acting…” Silky offered pityingly.

“I dunno, I feel like it’s fucking with mine. I’m surprised Michelle hasn’t fired me yet. How am I supposed to pretend to be in love with the bitch when all I wanna do is rip that stupid blonde hair out of her pretty little head?”

A’keria and Silky exchanged a glance Vanessa couldn’t decipher.

“Just… channel all of that anger and turn it into a different kind of passion,” Silky advised with a shrug.

“Whatever,” Vanessa said, feigning indifference, her cheeks warming at the thought of the passionate scenes she would be sharing with Brooke soon enough. She couldn’t let herself think about that yet, forcing her mind to practically shut off whenever the topics of Brooke Lynn and Kissing would start to overlap. She’d cross that bridge when she got to it.

“Speaking of passion…” started A’keria, wiggling her eyebrows unsubtly. “How’s your man, V?”

“He’s fine, but what does that have to do with passion?”

“You’re so romantic it makes me sick,” Silky quipped sarcastically.

A’keria chuckled in agreement before turning serious again.

“Seriously, Vanj. If you’re that bored, just stomp your little legs over to that white bread boy and say, ‘I dump your ass!’”

“I’m not bored!” Vanessa argued defensively. “Things are nice between us, you thirsty hoes would get it if either of you had been in a relationship that lasted longer than three months.”

“Okay. Then tell me, when was the last time you got laid, girl?” A’keria questioned with a knowing look as Silky pursed her lips.

“I — I…” Vanessa stammered and inwardly scolded herself for being so obvious. She loved A’keria and Silky, but also hated them for always seeing straight through her. Moreover, she hated herself for actually needing to think back in order to find the answer to that question.

A’keria turned her attention back to the TV, clearly satisfied with herself, while Silky gave her a look that screamed ‘I told you so.’

“Fine. You know what?” Vanessa stood abruptly as Silky and A’keria watched on with bemused expressions. “I’m gonna go see him now and we’re gonna have the hottest, steamiest fuckin’ sex, the sun is gonna wish she was me, bitch.” She stalked off on a mission, too embarrassed to seek out her friends’ reactions but feeling their confused expressions on her anyway.

—

When Vanessa walked through her apartment door, she was already regretting ditching her friends in order to prove a point. It was a particularly muggy evening for spring in LA, and she wasn’t in any type of mood to be getting even sweatier.

“Oh! Hey babe,” Matt said, surprised to see her home so soon just like she had originally hoped for. She’d had a whole plan to show up out of nowhere and seduce him, right there and then, hoping that the spontaneity would mean that they would actually go through with it for once instead of scheduling sex into their busy diaries and putting it off each time. Vanessa would be lying if she said she was still feeling her original idea, but decided to try and slowly ease herself into it instead of jumping his bones right off the bat.

“Hi,” Vanessa greeted him with a peck on the lips.

“You’re back early. I thought you were hanging out with the girls tonight.”

“Yeah, well… I missed you,” Vanessa replied weakly.

“Oh?” Matt asked, a hint of flirtation in his voice as he pulled her onto the couch with him and brought his lips down to meet hers. They made out for a few minutes, and it was comfortable. It was nice. Silky and A’keria were wrong; Vanessa had no reason to get rid of this. So maybe it wasn’t a love story on par with The Notebook, but Vanessa knew better than most people how fake and constructed those were. If there was one thing her and Brooke could agree on, it was that the two of them were a testament to that fact.

Vanessa was thankful when Matt pulled back; she could tell this wasn’t going anywhere tonight.

“How was work? You seem stressed lately.”

“You would be too if Satan’s daughter was your colleague,” Vanessa sulked.

“Aww, I’m sure I can make you feel better,” Matt answered in a voice Vanessa was sure he thought was sexy. He began sucking at her neck as she sat there, her hate boner for Brooke rekindled now that he had brought the subject back up.

“She’s just so fucking infuriating, you don’t even know. Whenever it’s just the two of us, the bitch lets me have it, but then we get on set and she’s a fucking angel because she knows that I can’t just switch it on as quick as her and I’m left looking like a hateful bitch.”

“I’m sorry, V,” Matt responded with genuine concern, before ruining it by latching onto her neck again. Vanessa rolled her eyes and pushed him off of her.

“I’m at breaking point here, Matt!” Vanessa snapped. “Could you stop coverin’ me in drool for one goddamn second and listen to me?”

Matt looked hurt, and Vanessa instantly felt guilty. She hadn’t meant to take her frustrations about Brooke out on him.

“Shit, I’m sorry, I — it’s just been a long day.”

“It’s chill. I get it,” Matt sighed. Vanessa’s heart ached as she realised just how much she didn’t deserve him.

“I’m gonna go to bed,” Vanessa decided, squeezing Matt’s hand briefly.

“Night. Love you, V.”

“You too,” Vanessa called back automatically. It wasn’t all that late, but she needed the sleep; hating Brooke was becoming a full time, all-consuming job, and she was tired.

—

Brooke and Vanessa carried on at each other’s throats for over a week — fights in their trailers, digs at table reads, and even a collision between the two women at the canteen which almost resulted in a vicious food fight. Brooke tried not to let their feud ooze into their time on set, opting instead to keep a polite, professional demeanour around her co-star that sometimes strayed towards subtle taunts at how worked up Vanessa would get over her.

It was almost as if Brooke was in her own angry bubble with Vanessa, and she was pretty sure she hated her almost as much as she loved fighting with her.

It was naive of her, really, to think that the animosity between the two of them would go unnoticed by the hundreds of people she was with each day as much as she was with Vanessa. The fact that it came as a complete shock to them made the eventual intervention that was staged all the more humiliating.

Brooke and Vanessa were seated at opposite ends of the couch, while Michelle and Asia stood before them, both of them attempting to look strict with only Michelle managing it with any level of success. In a slightly out of place scene, Katya simply sat on another couch curled up to a blonde girl Brooke didn’t recognise. Plastique and Scarlet, two other actresses on the movie who were apparently also being affected by Brooke and Vanessa’s rivalry, were also present, along with Yvie, Shuga, Kameron and Aquaria, each of them looking various degrees of disinterested. A few minutes in, even Nina joined them, and a woman named Ra’jah, who introduced herself to Brooke as Vanessa’s manager.

“So, I’m sure by now we all know why Brooke and Vanessa are here with us today,” Michelle began curtly.

“Would somebody care to explain it to us?” Brooke asked feebly, wondering whether there was any hope of getting out of this with her dignity intact.

“Don’t play dumb, bitch,” Vanessa retorted. If she wanted to do this in front of everybody then so be it, Brooke thought.

“This is exactly why,” Michelle said with a sigh, stepping in before Brooke could clap back.

“Now, you two don’t have to be girlfriends in real life,” she continued, and out of the corner of her eye Brooke noticed Vanessa’s little hands balling up into fists at the patronising speech they were being given.

“You don’t even have to be friends. But this war that you guys have going on is disrupting the atmosphere on set and off. I don’t know whether you had noticed, but you’re not the only ones working here and this negative energy is putting your cast and crew in a bad mood and making everyone’s jobs and lives a lot harder.”

Brooke swallowed, staring into her lap, the shame beginning to settle in.

“Vanessa? I’m Nina, Brooke’s manager and friend,” Brooke heard, looking up to see Nina pulling a chair up so that she was sat in the gap between Vanessa and herself like a goddamn mediator. Asia quickly followed in her footsteps and Brooke couldn’t believe it had actually come to this.

“I really think it’d be in both of your best interests to put this… tension between you in the past,” Asia started. “And while Michelle here has reassured me that it’s not your acting that she’s concerned about, imagine how much more you could be capable of with a little less hostility inhibiting your performances?”

Vanessa snorted and scowled at that as if she was deliberately trying to remind Brooke why she had disliked Vanessa to begin with. At least Brooke was taking this seriously.

“Moreover, it’s not a cute look for the movie’s leads to be enemies, especially since this could be groundbreaking as far as gay representation in mainstream Hollywood goes, and you two are our romantic leads. Sure, we could use it to generate a few headlines, but that’s not the narrative we’re trying to create here. This thing is Katya’s baby and she’s hoping it will be a source of light in a lot of people’s life. Don’t let it be clouded in darkness, because you know that nothing stays a secret in showbiz,” Asia finished.

“And let’s not forget about the press tour. And the premiere… y’all will get coupled up for interviews the whole time. If nothing else gives your drama away, those will,” Ra’jah chipped in. Brooke could feel herself relenting, the reasons on top of reasons starting to prove that the pros of ending this pointless feud outweighed the cons.

“Brooke,” Nina appealed to her directly, “I know you feel how important this story is and I know you don’t want its legacy to be tainted. You’ve always been outspoken about the media and how they pit women against each other and if you keep this up, you’ll be making their job a lot easier, far easier than it deserves to be.”

Vanessa’s eyes finally met hers for the first time in what felt like forever, and until then Brooke hadn’t realised how badly she hated it when Vanessa behaved like she wasn’t there.

“I… shit, I agree with Nina,” Vanessa confessed, much to Brooke’s surprise.

“You do?” Brooke asked quietly, needing the confirmation.

“Don’t get excited, girl, I don’t like you all of a sudden,” she snipped. “But… I guess I can stop acting like I want to kill you so much.”

Brooke wanted to laugh at that. She had to give it to Vanessa — she may have only been five foot three, but Brooke didn’t think she’d ever met anybody so fierce.

“I suppose I could try that to,” Brooke replied. She gave her a nod in affirmation, thinking that a smile might be going a little far.

“Well, now that that’s been dealt with, you’re all free to go,” Michelle announced and most of the room got up to leave  — Brooke was pretty certain that at least half of them had tuned out for the majority of the intervention anyway. Nina gave her a wink, signalling that she would meet her outside.

“Just one more thing, ladies,” Michelle added, gesturing for Brooke and Vanessa to stay behind. “Now that you’ve cleared the air, I’m sure you’ll be delighted to hear that you’ll be shooting your first on-screen kiss later this week. I’ll see you then.”

Brooke froze, damning Michelle and her poor timing. Just as she and Vanessa were starting to patch things up, she had to go and make the air thick with friction again. Brooke was expecting an insult, a barb, but instead —

“I can’t wait to find out if you’re as good at kissing as you are at picking fights,” Vanessa deadpanned, her voice even lower and more raspy than usual, before strutting off without waiting for a response.

Which was a good thing, because at that moment, Brooke didn’t think she could find the words if she tried.

[otterandterrierwrites]

{Hungry hearts} V. Polystarch and nerf-burgers

Ordinarily, nothing much went on in the moon of Uoth as far as sentient beings were concerned. The entirety of its terrain was volcanic in nature; the rest was water. Most of the planet’s life forms were aquatic and of little value to the Empire, which meant they never bothered with a visit.

That was their mistake.

Today, there weren’t only birds, frogs and crabs on the ground; there were also rebel soldiers.

Leia walked over the solidified lava that made up the landscape, shaped like soft round rocks here, rising in geometrical pillars there, at once ground, hills, steps, caves. The grey basalt contrasted starkly against the light and deep blues of sky and ocean; that and the patches of white salt, green algae and yellow lichen that coloured it saved the planet from being bleak.

It was beautiful in its own unique way, and Leia would have never visited it, either, if it wasn’t for the war. It was easy to forget the misery in the world, the peril they would face in mere hours, when you stood still and looked at those clear skies and rumbling, white-crested waves.

But, right now, she was allowed to forget about it for a while. Plumes of smoke rose in the breeze a few meters ahead; as she approached Han Solo, Leia heard the tantalizing sizzle of grilling meat. Her mouth watered in anticipation.

Han’s bare torso wasn’t sizzling but it seemed equally appealing, with its gilded, shapely muscles under the sun.

Cheeks considerably warmer, Leia averted her sight, looking instead at the small group of tents erected nearby, next to the shuttle that would take them down to Vangar that night. She surveyed the crew she’d chosen to command for this mission. Apart from her and Han, there was Chewie, of course, presently tinkering with the shuttle. Luke and Artoo (they had decided they could do without Threepio this time) sat near a group of the natural chimney-like structures, overlooking the water. Leia was sure that Luke had taken out his lightsaber and was examining it, as if hoping for answers to reveal themselves if he rubbed it the right way.

She had also chosen Jyn Odan---the woman was like a female version of Han: reckless, agile, a quick draw and more importantly, a skilled smuggler. Even if Han’s professional jealousy insisted he and Chewie were all she needed, Leia knew better. For this mission, she’d needed Odan too. Her black hair shone whenever she cocked her head as she cleaned and checked her weapons. Leia couldn’t hear what they were talking about, but the sounds of her conversation with Croy Winnis carried in the air.

Not having anywhere else to be, she finally walked up to Han and the battered grill he was working.

‘These were a really good idea,’ Leia commented, pushing a multitude of air-swept baby hairs off her face. ‘They’re looking fantastic.’

Han turned to her and his chest immediately puffed up, a hand going to rest on his hip. Leia forced herself not to follow it. ‘Yep. That’s ‘cos I’m an amazing cook.’

She rolled her eyes. ‘If you wanted to show it, you should have picked something that required more than flipping over.’

Waving her off, he turned back to the nerf-burgers, which up close smelled as good as they looked. ‘How was your excursion?’

‘Fine. It’s an interesting place. Anything I can do to help?’

‘You can start makin’ the polystarch, these are nearly done.’

‘Okay.’ Leia kneeled in front of a bag of supplies that sat next to the portable chiller unit and started removing the portioned polystarch powder. ‘That’s the one thing that will be less than perfect for this picnic. Polystarch isn’t nearly as good as bread.’

She immediately regretted voicing her thoughts. Bread? Was she really wishing for bread, when the nerf-burgers were enough of a rare treat as to be luxurious? And to Han, no less. She’d have no right to complain when he treated her as a pampered little princess.

He didn’t seem about to do that now, though. He just kept poking at the coals and said, ‘Can’t argue with that, ‘cept to say if we did have bread, it’d feel too much like a last meal.’

Leia chuckled, feeling her tension ease up. She sat down on the ground next to a tiny folding table and picked up a deep plate, poured the brownish powder from one of the packages and added water. After stirring it briefly with a spoon, the mixture rose and became solid, shaped like a lumpy, round loaf of bread.

‘Right,’ she said. ‘We have to keep it real.’

She repeated the process six times, the bread piling up on the table (she kept checking that they weren’t about to spill over onto the ground). Meanwhile, Han seemed to be doing the same with the burgers, making a heap on a plate that he kept on top of a crate.

‘How many burgers are there for each of us?’

‘Three, and one more for Chewie.’ He finally left the grill alone and came over to her. ‘Give me these, I wanna toast them up a bit.’

‘You think that’ll improve the flavour?’ she joked.

‘A bit.’ He placed them on top of the grill, then bent down to rummage through the bag she’d retrieved the polystarch from. With a lopsided grin, he showed her his prize: a handful of little sachets of condiments. ‘This might help, too.’

A disbelieving gasp rushed out through her open mouth and, before she could stop herself, she said, ‘You are amazing.’

Han looked so genuinely shocked, it took him a full second to say, ‘Been tellin’ you that, Princess.’

Leia rolled her eyes, but the corners of her mouth turned up as she started to make a new batch of polystarch. She had two more buns ready when Han started taking out the now toasty loaves. He set them all next to the cooked burgers and opened the chiller before laying out another six discs of nerf meat on the grill.

There was a dirty rag hanging from his back pocket; the smuggler took it out and wiped his face, neck and at last, his hands, then he put it back. The motion made her look at his shiny, toned arms. Once again, Leia looked away before he saw, pressing her lips.

It wasn’t the first time she saw him without a shirt; he often took it off to work on the Falcon whenever they were stationed in warm climates. At first, she hadn’t paid it any attention. She hadn’t know Han well back then: she had a strong instinct that he wasn’t all he pretended to be, and that made her hold on to him as a valuable asset. However, his personality had been repellent to her, and so had been the rest of him by association. But as they’d grown closer, developing a physical attraction to him had been inevitable. Sometimes she regretted not kissing him that night on Karinda, as they shared All Hallows’ Eve traditions and chocolate. Maybe it’d be good to have someone she could go to whenever things got too much. When that thought occurred to her, she’d immediately shook it off. No; she was glad they had avoided that. Things would get more complicated than they already were. Besides, it had been him who’d pulled away. So, despite his constant flirting and innuendo, maybe he didn’t actually want to sleep with her. He’d probably like someone more like Jyn Odan.

It was a good thing Han constantly gave her reasons to dislike the whole of him again.

Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Han now taking a polystarch bun and cutting it in half.

‘Shall we start calling people over?’ Leia asked.

‘No, not yet.’ He picked up a sachet of Bimm mustard and spread it generously on each half of polystarch.

‘So… are you going to start preparing all the burgers then?’

Han gave her an incredulous look. ‘No, I’m gonna have one now. I’ll still be grillin’ while you all eat, so I get a headstart.’

That was partly true: the grill wasn’t big enough to make all the burgers at once, but he could still eat while he checked on it.

Leia scoffed, crossing her arms over her chest after she’d deposited another bun on the tiny table. ‘That sounds like bullshit.’

‘That sounds like you’re hungry,’ Han said with a grin.

‘Of course I am, we all are!’

‘Tell you what, you can have half of mine. C’mon, we’ll just have this and call the others,’ he added when she looked uncertain. She was very hungry, and the burgers seemed like a heavenly meal. If she had to watch Han eating one in front of her, she might jump to his throat. The inside of her mouth felt uncomfortably wet.

‘Fine,’ she mumbled, swallowing as she casted a quick glance at the rest of the team.

His satisfied smile was wide as he speared a thick nerf-burger with his knife and sandwiched it between the two buns. He placed it on top of the crate to cut it in half and offered hers with a sardonic bow.

After weeks of bland rations and mess food, she couldn’t even pretend to slow down: Leia bit her half of nerf-burger and groaned loudly.

‘As good as it looked,’ she said, covering her half-full mouth with a hand.

That made Han break out in a hearty, surprised ‘Ha!’ before he dove into his own burger.

Sitting on the ground, only Han’s legs were in Leia’s field of vision as he stood in front of her, eating. The breeze had picked up and played with her loose strands of hair, which whipped at her face and got into her mouth as she tried to take another bite. Leia tried to push them away but, on top of its comparative blandness, polystarch was also crumblier than bread and threatened to fall apart unless she held it tightly with both hands.

She stiffened as something long---a finger, she realized a second later---hooked the rebellious locks and pushed them up, and then the hand it belonged to stayed pressed against her forehead like a hair barrier.

‘Go on,’ Han said. ‘Can’t let you choke on your own hair, Your Worship.’

Leia stared up at him in disbelief, but he wasn’t joking: he simply stood there, with the warm back of his hand against his skin as if he was feeling for a fever, waiting for her to finish eating.

‘Oi! Coulda let us know food was ready, couldn’t ya?’ Winnis called out suddenly. Leia turned around and saw that everyone had approached when they saw them eating.

‘Sorry folks, we were just quality-testing them,’ Han said, dropping his hand. ‘First round is ready, if you wanna put them together.’

He passed around the tray with the cooked burgers and buns, then threw each of them a sachet of condiment.

‘Can confirm they’re good.’ Giving Leia a wink, he added, ‘The Imps won’t know what hit ‘em.’

[furbyq]

oh my god it’s a bad idea someone has probably already done before with terrible results. but that’s my sim secret, i’m always terrible, so here we go.

when i posted that thing the other day, or last week or whenever, this is the post i wanted to make. i had written most of it and saved it in my drafts, but i thought maybe it wasn’t a good idea. thinking about it today, i’ve realized i don’t really care. i may still delete this post or hide it later, so get your looks in now.

there’s basically 4 hate secret archetypes:

you’re shit

your cc is shit

your sims are shit

and my favorite,

you did this thing unrelated to sims, don’t do that, it’s shit

some people who receive these secrets don’t deserve them. i can’t say whether or not i did, since i am biased, as i am me. but there are a lot of people i’ve seen get picked at who really don’t deserve it and cannot take that kind of rejection from the community. everyone who has ever gotten a hate secret that they felt was unfounded needs to remember: you don’t just have to take shit your entire life from people who treat you like trash. you can also rare back like a horse and hoof them in the face.

so what i’m going to do in this post is go back through all the secrets i have saved that were directed towards me and critique them on how founded they were. and perhaps how nice they looked. 

at the same time, i’m going to tell you exactly what i felt about them when i first saw them and exactly what i feel now. and i may not be very nice. in fact, after having written the rest of this post, i wasn’t nice at all.

chances are, the people who made the secrets did the right thing and stopped following me or looking at my blog a long time ago. and that’s a very healthy thing to do, i’m proud of them. however, possibly, the people who submitted these secrets might be people i know and have talked to, or still talk to. the problem with simsecret is, you never fucking know. maybe i submitted one of these and don’t remember. that’s right, i was me all along.

now, first of all, i must commend this person on making an aesthetically pleasing secret. i mean, the part that they added actually matches my old blog theme a little bit. however, i have to dock points for lack of consistency in that second pooklet. i’m not going to give grammar too terribly hard of a time, because i’m not going to complain about people who may not be native english speakers. i have no way of knowing. but consistency? you get an 8/10.

let me explain you a thing. when a lot of people start posting in any community, it’s easy to be nervous about people critiquing your personal choices. for me, this was a big stumbling block. i emulated pooklet and azaya because their games looked good. they were two people in this community that fanned the flames of my love for ts2 into a fire that will burn for centuries.

this was also when pooklet had just released their lovely templates, which i still use, and they are likely to be the only templates i use until the day that i make my own. milkshape consistency is important to me and diverse facial features are important to me (keep in mind, this was before custom sliders). i would like to think that i evolved as someone who can make sims that look distinctly like my own, despite being based on someone else's templates, but everyone is entitled to their opinion.

nothing is ever going to please everybody. i could release a lovingly crafted piece of cc every day for the rest of my life and someone would complain about me clogging up their dash instead of unfollowing me. but to someone who is new in the community, criticism like this is much more harsh than you may intend it to be and may have an amplified effect. derivation is common in the start of new hobbies, even you probably derived at some point.

the second secret that was specifically aimed towards me is so low effort, i would give it a 3/10. or a 6 out of 9, you somehow fucked it from both ends by making this shit off-center.

first, if you have a similar opinion, you may need to learn the fact that i may prefer to view different things with my eyeballs than you do. since i only have my eyeballs, and not yours, i tend to pick colors i like.

you may think to yourself, “well, why did you make that top area of shirt a different color to the bottom area of shirt??”, and i will tell you, they are not both shirt. the top part is a jacket overlay or some shit. it was a different color on yuxi’s original as well. as for the color choice, i just liked them. especially the middle one, which i tested colors on for half an hour because i knew i wanted to keep that minty jacket and i had already used too much purple.

what does using colorblind as an insult accomplish in this context? you are criticizing something that, if i actually had it, would be a type of disability i could not help. say it’s shit, and say it’s shit to my face so that i know not to share these things with you.

at least use better colors. my colors are notoriously eye-searing but that red is about to give me a goddamn aneurysm. 6/10.

i don’t know how to break it to the original maker of this secret, but much like the tooth fairy does not exist, perfect humans also do not exist. why are you holding me to a higher standard than other people and then discarding me the moment i do something you personally do not like? you liked me. i fucked up. you liked me less than if someone you disliked did the same fucking thing?

in 2015, adfuck was a shitshow, but it is nowhere near the shitshow it is now. i also always provided a secondary link without adfly. i did that shit where i made it smaller for a couple of posts. i did the scum thing. i thought it would be lucrative and help my situation a tiny bit. a dollar earned from adfuck was a dollar i did not have before, and if you’re dying from starvation a dollar will save your life.

the subtext is, if you were afraid of viruses, you should have used the non adfuck link every time. if you were like me, and you had downloaded a thousand things from behind mandatory adfucks with your block disabled before the skipper (the adfly skipper, not like, a sea captain or anything) and hadn’t had a problem, you could very easily toss 1/1000 of a cent to a creator whose work you liked.

my stance on adfucks have changed drastically since 2015. i would never do it again because of its more clear association with viruses and the fact that i do not enjoy knowing that i could’ve made other people’s lives immensely shittier by being complicit in fucking up their computer. but i did do it, and no amount of apologizing is going to change that.

for future record, if you ever find one of my old, reblogged furbyq-sims posts, never click the shortened link. use the non adfuck one. i would have to push link shorteners every single nanosecond of my entire life for it to ever pay anything of substance, and i refuse to promote shorteners anymore. i will never cash it out, so clicking the links is a waste of time. since i deleted furbyq-sims, i cannot edit the links out. do not click them. 

do note that during my run with adfuck, i received 579 total clicks that registered as ‘valid’ or what-the-fuck-ever. those clicks amounted to $1.53 USD. when people use adfucks, be aware that they are doing so to make, probably at most like $5 USD a month if they get thousands of non-blocked clicks. it is the definition of pointless. the danger element is enough to put most people off, the shitty pay should take the rest of them, and yet.

“hey, stop spamming” “hey, to resolve this, spam more” what do you fucking want from me?

again i’m pretty sure this person is not a native speaker, so i’m not going to poke at the grammar more than to mention that contradiction. you got your point across very well. remember to add a white outline to your text next time. 7/10.

let me tell you, desperation will make you do things that may not make sense to anyone else at the time.

think about this: my mom has serious lymph node deficiency that contributes to her getting pneumonia frequently. she’s on an oxygen concentrator at this time. now, oxygen concentrators are the thing that you get when a person needs nearly full-time oxygen. you don’t get a million tanks, you just get a single concentrator, which requires continuous electricity to work. ring ring it’s the electric company, your power is getting turned off tomorrow. you call hospice, hospice is like “well we can get a notice to them in like, two days” so you panic. you scramble for what you believe at that moment is the most important thing, regardless of whether or not you are right.

people who are in need will generally get help to some extent on the internet if they are brave enough to ask. but when it is a dire thing, you will reblog the post as many times as it takes to soothe your profound panic. every time you reblog, maybe one more person will see it. maybe that person will reblog, someone will see that and send $5 your way to help. you have got to keep things like this moving, if you do not ask you will not receive anything and dead posts are as good as not asking.

i don’t mean to sound overly terse, but i do sound that way for a reason, because some things are worth being terse over. and i hope, i hope to whatever deity may actually exist, that you never have to be in that position, where you know exactly why i did what i did. because it means you’re living in hell and it is no place to be.

i know this is an undertale reference of some kind. i don’t understand it, i haven’t played the game. if you’re going to say something mean to someone, maybe you should use your own words instead of formatting cryptic bullshit that includes the word 'garbage’. 3/10.

if you’re going to insult someone, be specific. because when you insult someone, you wield a sword. when i get stabbed, i want it to be a killing blow to my heart and not some lukewarm stabbing about in my midsection. fucking kill me or leave me alone. those are the options, pick one.

people in the sims community make custom content. and some of it is great, and some of it is shitty. and sometimes, both of those things can come from the same person, because everybody in the entire world has off days. i’m not going to say my shit is great, but i have made things i am proud of. proud that i took the time to make something and it paid off, and i realized a creation that would not exist without my existence and efforts. 

other times, my stuff has been shitty. you are not obligated to download what you don’t like, and i’m sorry that me taking up 500 megabytes of the entire internet to host my shit on impacted your life so much back in 2016 or whenever the fuck.

after some angry secrets, it’s good to end on this one. it makes me laugh every time i see it. 9/10.

i’m going to address three points in this picture, but i’m not and have never been mad at this one. whoever made this secret, inbox me. you’re my favorite motherfucker.

when i made the phantom rage skin i had a picture of a man who had very speckled vitiligo saved as inspiration. i lost that picture when i cleared out old files, but this model, genesis castillo, is very similar to the vitiligo pattern that man had. there are a hundred winnie harlow skins. there were none like this where the vitiligo was not evened out with makeup. i then paired tones 1 and 10 and 2 and 8 for contrast, but the 1 and 10 one looks much odder in the low opacity parts, like camouflage, someone said once.

as someone who has a skin condition, i know how emotionally traumatic they are when they change your appearance drastically. i cannot empathize with any traumas of vitiligo that are directly tied to people of color being affected by it because i am not a person of color. 

if i offended anyone who has vitiligo, i am genuinely sorry. my intention was not to make a ‘costume’, it was to make a virtual representation of a type of human being that actually exists. i hope that learning from this experience and using that knowledge to the best of my ability in the future is enough to undo even an iota of damage that was done.

point two, what is wrong with the middle sim? what is wrong with the middle sim? what is wrong with them? they have a mole? they’re wearing two head accessories? what is wrong with them???

point three, the bebebrillit hairline conversions weren’t terrible. fitting shit to the different hairline shape is difficult, so it can lead to some weird edges. at the time i took the previews for the hairlines, i didn’t have a ton of hairs in my folder. i just started doing nouk hairs. i needed to take a picture of the high fashion ponytail, so i killed two birds with one stone. this is not a combo that i played with, thinking they fit together like jigsaw pieces. it was a preview and it even showed that the hairlines did not work with every hair.

also,

there was a mythical 8th secret (yes, there were actually fucking 8 of them, i’ve averaged 2 hate secrets a year which i consider a life achievement). it was a picture of my first ts4 skinblend with the word “hideous” or “this is hideous” or some shit on it. it had the word hideous in it. that secret was deleted before i could save it, but i still remember it. and i can’t even be mad, i mean, they’re right. 10/10. best secret. it wasn’t a secret at all.

i actually can’t remember why it turned out so shiny, i think it’s because there were like no skins close to what i wanted and i tried handpainting before i knew how to.

in conclusion, please, in the future... stay salty, stay mean, continue hiding behind anonymity, but either grow a sense of humor or commit to what you’re doing instead of hurling balls of infernal bitching gently at my face. 

[theliterateape]

Hope Idiotic | Part VII

By David Himmel

Hope Idiotic is a serialized novel. Catch each new part every week on Monday and Thursday.

BY MID-NOVEMBER, LOU HAD BEEN LIVING WITH MICHELLE FOR TWO MONTHS. She provided half of the dresser for him and cleared out space in the bathroom cabinets and her closets for him in an effort to make her place his place, too. But she refused to let him hang any photos of his friends or family. And there was no way he was putting his film trophy on display anywhere.

“It’s tacky,” she told him.

“I’m proud of it.”

“You won that years ago. In college. Why does it matter now?”

“Because, it is a big part of my creative career. The first real acknowledgement I received. It reminds me that I’m capable of succeeding.”

“It’s not like it’s an Oscar, Lou.”

“Would you let me display an Oscar?”

“Win an Oscar. You can carry it around your neck for all I care.”

Her case: She spent a lot of time and money making her home nice and mature and professional-looking. A trophy from a university film department contest would only cramp her style. It should have been enough that she made room for his stuff in her closet. “I had to give away a lot of shoes,” she reminded him.

“You didn’t even wear half of those shoes,” he said.

“If you absolutely have to have photos of your friends and family in the apartment, you can put them on your nightstand on your side of the bed.”

“But this is our place, right? You have photos of friends and family everywhere.”

“My family doesn’t live in the city. I never see them.”

This was bullshit. She saw her parents about every two months whether she was visiting them in Las Vegas or if they were visiting her in Chicago or if there was a vacation somewhere else they’d take together. And those friends in the photographs? They all lived blocks away from the apartment. Fact was, she saw her parents and friends far more than he saw his. Michelle said she wanted Lou to call the apartment home, but it seemed she didn’t really want him to move into it.

His father once told him about a girl he dated in high school who lived in a high-rise. “I broke up with her after the first date,” he said. “I didn’t like her enough to wait around for the elevators only to have to make nice with the other tenants.” Lou loved that story, and after living in a high-rise for two months, he had even more of an appreciation for it.

What he couldn’t move into, he began to feel trapped in. They lived on the twenty-ninth floor, so he had to wait for an elevator every time he wanted to go anywhere. If he was in a hurry to get back to the apartment to, say, go to the bathroom, he had to wait for an elevator to take him up. To run a load of laundry, he had to wait for an elevator to take him down to the basement’s laundry room. When he needed to drop a portfolio in the mailbox in the lobby of the building, or pick up a frozen pizza and a pack of gum from the store, he had to budget fifteen minutes to do so, just in case the elevators were moving slowly that day. What were once quick, thoughtless, chores back in Vegas had become time-consuming errands in Chicago.

It was not only a hassle getting out of and into the apartment, but not having a job to go to each day presented a certain kind of claustrophobia for him. The apartment was a perfectly good size for a one-bedroom in the city, and it never felt that he and Michelle were living on top of each other. But where there was a specific bedroom and kitchen, the living room, dining room and office were all one large space. It’s called an open-floor plan, and it was suffocating.

He was home all day scouring the web for jobs, calling businesses, opening a LinkedIn account and joining groups, learning about networking opportunities, perfecting and re-perfecting his résumé and cover letters, all from Michelle’s tiny IKEA desk shoved in the corner of the main room. When he wasn’t staring at the computer screen, he was looking through the large windows at the panoramic view of the city and he swore it was mocking him. Like it was saying, “Here I am, Lou! I’m right here! Come and get me; make me yours! Hurry, you don’t want to miss the elevator!”

The city, and all it offered was out of his reach. By two o’clock every afternoon, he was so emotionally drained and physically exhausted from sitting on his ass, that his six o’clock scotch routine was bumped up four hours.

✶

CHUCK’S MOTHER HAD BEEN IN AND OUT OF THE HOSPITAL FIVE TIMES FOR THREE HEART ATTACKS since the first one back in June. He was sending nearly every cent he had back home to cover the cost of the rapidly growing medical bills and hardly making a dent. As a result, he was falling far behind on his own bills. Lexi was barely keeping both of them afloat.

When Chuck’s mom went in to the hospital the fifth time, he thought it best to fly out there. On his way back to Vegas, he stopped in Chicago to see Lou. He was going to stay at Lou and Michelle’s place, but realizing Chuck’s one night in town would likely result in drunken and horrific behavior, Michelle politely suggested they both get a hotel.

“That’s fine,” Chuck said. “Since neither of us has any money.”

“And she wants me to start paying half of the rent,” said Lou. “That’s about nine hundred bucks a month. I’ve been in Chicago for almost six months and haven’t even made a total of nine hundred bucks. And she wants me to pay that every thirty days?”

“It’s not right. Because it’s not that she needs help making rent. She’s pulling in four hundred grand a year, right?”

“One seventy-five. Which is plenty. And I’ve saved her money on housecleaning. She used to pay a service. Seventy-five dollars every two weeks. I clean the house better than they did, and I do it every week, plus I do the laundry. And I cook. Dinner is always ready for her when she gets home from work. I’m pulling my weight the best I can.”

“You’re the perfect 1950s housewife she always wanted,” Chuck said. “You’d think that would be enough.”

Michelle told Lou she wanted to at least have dinner with the boys since it would be her one chance to see Chuck while he was in town for the night. She was sweet and asked about his mother and the rest of his family. She pressed him about his plans to marry Lexi, which made the boys uncomfortable because they knew that he not only wasn’t making plans to marry her, but he was mostly fucking someone else — and possibly falling in love with that someone. Michelle, however, had no idea about Gina and there was no way Lou was ever going to say anything about her as long as Chuck was still living with Lexi.

He was a cheating, conniving bastard, yes. Lou knew that. And he told Chuck so several times. But Lou also understood the reasons for the attraction and the reason he had to sneak around. Without Lexi, Chuck had no money, and with all he had on his plate, not having his sugar mama would be a disaster.

There was also the fact that despite the cheating and lying, he loved Lexi. She wasn’t perfect, but who was? So she bored him sometimes; who doesn’t get bored with the woman they love? They hadn’t had sex in ages, so what? People go through slumps. It was complicated because matters of the head and heart so often are. But it was wrong to lie to the person he was in a recognized relationship with. And that’s all Michelle would see, the black-and-white physical truth, not the grey emotional truth. So, it was best to just not bring it up.

He ran toward and lunged at Chuck, and they began fighting each other.

Michelle even paid for their dinner. “You’re both having a hard time right now; let me get this,” she said yanking the black checkbook away from Chuck.

“You want to pay for our hotel, too?” Chuck said.

“Sorry, boys. You’re on your own with that one.”

Following dinner, the drinks came fast and hard. It had been more than five months since they saw each other, but they spoke on the phone and emailed each other nearly every day so there was no reason to sit someplace quiet and catch up. What they missed was the rowdiness. Since they ate dinner downtown, Lou suggested they go to “that wretched Viagra Triangle. It’s full of tourists, rich women, creepy old perverts and over-privileged go-hards.”

When Chuck and Lou committed to a binge, they did so with every good therapeutic intention in mind. Some people relieve stress and manage problems by jogging or going to the gym or seeing a shrink. Chuck and Lou were each other’s shrinks, and their exercise routine consisted of filling their guts full of booze so that their blood thinned out and they could flush out their brains with a simple blackout. There was often a consequence or two to deal with when they came to, but it was always worth it.

At a karaoke bar where the drinks were overpriced and the floor was dramatically sticky, Chuck nearly had his head beaten in by three big frat-types, probably day traders, after invading their performance of “Don’t Stop Believing.” After being thrown out of the karaoke bar, Lou stumbled into an alley around the corner to puke up his dinner and about fifty bucks worth of beer. Chuck took pictures of it.

“You like that?” Lou yelled at him. “There’s plenty more where that came from.”

Then he ran toward and lunged at Chuck, and they began fighting each other. Lou was half the size of Chuck. Where Lou was a star cross-country runner in high school, Chuck was all-state in football. Whenever these playful fights broke out, Chuck was always the victor. But Lou was scrappy, and their antics made messes.

Out of the alley, Chuck stumbled backward, falling over a young couple sitting on the curb, sick from too much of something. The boys apologized as Chuck threw a few dollar bills at them. “Get a cab home,” he said.

Lou lunged again. Chuck caught him and rotated his body, using Lou’s momentum to throw him into the middle of the street. A black Lincoln town car almost ran him over. It blared its horn. Lou imitated the sound back to the car at the top of his lungs.

Chuck came at him. Lou tried to escape to the other side of the sidewalk, but Chuck grabbed hold of his jacket. Lou spun around and slapped Chuck across the face. Holding onto Lou’s jacket collar, Chuck shoved Lou backward to the corner of the next block. Just as he was about to throw his skinny friend into a collection of street corner newspaper dispensers, Lou tripped him and twisted his body, causing the bigger, heavier Chuck to fall into the dispensers, with Lou landing on top of him.

Metal newspaper stands clanged loudly against the street pavement. One of them broke open, and copies of the Inquisitor spilled into the intersection. Chuck pushed Lou off of him, and when they were both balanced on their feet again, Chuck charged, which pushed Lou back into a trash can, knocking it over, as well.

By this time, a crowd had gathered to witness the street fight between the two maniacs who were laughing their drunken heads off. Chuck’s leather jacket was ripped. Lou’s hand and forehead were bleeding. Someone called the cops.

If the police really wanted to capture half-aware drunks like those two, it would have served them best to not hit their sirens as they approached. Chuck and Lou trained themselves over the years to spring into action at the first sound and sight of an officer of the law. Chuck quickly grabbed Lou’s hand and yanked him up off of the ground, and they took off down Dearborn Street, where they successful evaded the cops in the Gold Coast neighborhood.

✶

THEY WOKE UP ON THE FLOOR OF THEIR ROOM IN THE CONGRESS HOTEL. The room was trashed, Chuck’s jacket was ruined and Lou had to think of a way to explain the cuts on his hand and forehead to Michelle. Getting into a street brawl with his best friend wouldn’t resonate well with her. They had to pull themselves together quickly. Chuck had a flight to make.

“We are fucking idiots,” Lou said.

As they hustled out of the hotel and to the Orange Line El train that would take him directly to Midway Airport, Chuck reminisced, “Remember when we used to have no responsibility for anything?”

“We always had responsibility. We’ve always just been good at keeping our circus act from burning the whole town down.”

“But all of this accountability to people now. My family. Lexi. Michelle.”

“We’d be more fucked without it.”

“I suppose.”

“Anchors to our drifting ships.”

Lou saw Chuck onto the train. They hugged and laughed at each other in a way that they both understood what the other was thinking; that they were going to be okay. That somehow they would figure it out, but that yes, they were complete and total fucking idiots.

✶

LEXI WASN’T AT THE AIRPORT TO PICK UP CHUCK AS PLANNED. He called her, but she didn’t answer. He waited there an hour and called her a dozen times leaving just as many messages. Nothing. He caught a cab. The fare emptied out his wallet. When he walked through the door, Lexi was lounging on the couch watching TV. Her phone was next to her, the voicemail indicator light blinking. He set his bag down.

She turned off the television, sat up and said, “We need to talk.”

Part I Part II Part III Part IV Part V Part VI

[cwnerd12]

flashback, at night, young Silas, newly crowned king, wanders around a darkened office building, plagued with insomnia. He’s shirtless, and his muscular body is decorated with scars. He steps by a window, the CrossGen sign shining bright beside him (he’s in the CrossGen building). He looks out at his palace, under construction, and smiles a little self-satisfied smile, “Fuck you and your tallest building in Shiloh, Alister.” Behind him, an office door opens, and a bean of light cuts through the darkness. Young Thomasina hurries out to get something. Silas turns around and sees her, “You can’t be here because of insomnia, too.” Thomasina nearly jumps out of her skin, startled. She looks over at Silas, and a second look of shock comes over her, “Your majesty!” Silas, “I see you’re not a janitor. Is there a reason you’re still here, working so late?” Thomasina, “I- I was putting some final touches on the seating arrangement for your coronation ball,” she looks down at her watch, “I knew I would be working late tonight, but I lost track of time!”  Silas, “I admire the dedication.” Thomasina, “Thank you, sir.” Silas, “You’ll have to forgive me, I’m not as good at remembering names as Rose is…” Thomasina, “Thomasina Bright.” Silas, “You’re on Rose’s staff, right?” Thomasina, “Yes, sir, I am. I’ve done some event planning for the Cross family in the past, but never something of this scale. Never something this important. I intend to do my job as well as I possibly can. This is historic.” Silas, “I’m sure you’ll do a wonderful job. You know,” he thinks for a moment, “I’m not going to be running my government out of the CrossGen building for much longer. That palace over there,” he points out the window, “Is going to need an operations director. Have you considered the position?” Thomasina, “I’m just a party planner!” Silas, “Well, what do you think government is? It’s just one big party that never ends.” Thomasina laughs, flattered. Silas, “I need dedicated employees, ones who are willing to serve long, hard hours. I don’t know very many people outside of the army. That makes it very hard for me to fill the more domestic positions in the palace. Of course, I trust Rose will do a good job, but, I still know my own needs better than she does. I need someone who can make sure I get my coffee in the morning. If you’re willing to do this much work on just a seating arrangement, I am very curious to see what else you’d be willing to do for me.” Thomasina, “Perhaps just a secretarial position would be better.” Silas, “Why not? It’s a very important and influential job. Someone has to make sure the king gets his coffee on time.” Thomasina’s shoulders droop, “I- I have other obligations at home.” Silas looks down at her hand, “I see you’re married.” Thomasina, “Yes, I am, but- my husband is active duty, and-” she thinks for a moment, “I have other duties. I really can’t make a habit of this. I’m sorry to disappoint you.” Silas, “I understand. But I am disappointed. I’ll have my driver take you home whenever you’re ready.” Thomasina, “Thank you, your majesty.”

Night time, Thomasina gets out of a limousine in front of a shabby townhouse. She climbs up the stoop, unlocks the front door, and goes inside. Once she closes the door behind her, her mother, Delia, appears behind her, holding a gun. Delia wears a dissheveled nightgown, and her hair is a mess, “You’re not getting in this house!” Thomasina turns around, “Mama! It’s me, Thomasina!” Delia lowers the gun, “Good thing you’re home. The Phils are coming, baby.” Behind Delia appears Thomasina’s sister, Julia, “Finally, you’re home!” Thomasina, “Why do you let her keep that gun?” Julia, “It’s unloaded, and it’s the only thing that keeps her calm!” Thomasina, “It’s gonna get her killed.” Delia, “Nobody’s killing me! I’m defending my home!” Thomasina, “Let’s get you to bed, Mama.” Julia, “I put her to bed but you woke her up coming home so late.” Thomasina, “I told you, I’m doing important work!” Julia, “Planning a ball isn’t important work.” Thomasina, “I met King Silas! I talked to him!” Julia, “Well, unless he can pay for a full-time nurse, he’s not doing us much good,” she turns to Delia, “Come on, Mama, let’s get you back to bed.”

A reporter looks around the lobby of the palace. Thomasina approaches him, “Hello, are you Mr. Lannister?” Reporter, “Yes, I am.” Thomasina extends her hand, “Thomasina Bright, palace operations manager. I understand you’re doing a piece about King Silas.” Reporter, “Yes, I am. I’ve been rather curious about what set of circumstances would have produced a king, so I’ve been looking into his family and childhood. Might I be able to speak with his majesty?” Thomasina, “King Silas is very, very busy, and an official biography has been published.” Reporter, “Yes, I understand, but as a journalist, I found some parts of the biography, well, lacking. I’m particularly interested in details about King Silas’s father, Chris Benjamin-” Thomasina, “Christopher Benjamin was a well-respected war hero, who unfortunately died before seeing his son crowned.” Reporter, “As did the king’s mother, Suzanne Benjamin.” Thomasina, “It was a tragic car accident.” Reporter, “I found an autopsy report, and I would like to speak to His Majesty about some of the detail.” Thomasina gives Reporter a long, appraising look, “I will have to ask King Silas.”

In Silas’s office, Silas sits quietly and seriously at his desk as Thomasina explains, “He says he has information about your father.” Silas, “What kind of information?” Thomasina, “He said he had an autopsy report.” Silas looks up at her, “I’m not speaking to him. I’m not speaking to anyone.” Thomasina, “Very well sir.” She turns to leave, but Silas speaks up, “If you could-” he pauses and thinks for a moment, “I’d rather this story not get published. Perhaps you can dissuade the reporter.” Thomasina, “I’ll do my best.”

Thomasina returns to the reporter, “I’m afraid King Silas has declined your interview.” Reporter, “Ah, too bad. This is his one chance to give his side of the story. If he should feel like giving a quote-” Thomasina interrupts him, “This story won’t be published.” Reporter looks at her oddly, “I beg your pardon?” Thomasina, “King Silas’s is still new and on unstable ground. I can’t in good conscience allow for anything to happen that might further destabilize it.” Reporter, “I’m just looking for the truth. You make it sound like Silas is hiding something.” Thomasina, “King Silas has pulled this country out of unimaginable darkness and chaos. To undermine him is to bring that chaos back. Anyone who harms our king harms our country.” Reporter, “Liberty will never be afraid of the truth.” Thomasina, “Where are you from?” Reporter, “I beg your pardon?” Thomasina, “Where are you from?” Reporter, “Jezreel.” Thomasina laughs, dismissively, “Of course you are. You’ve never had your home taken over by Gath soldiers, have you?” Reporter, “I know enough about Silas Benjamin to know that he isn’t the savior he parades himself as.” Thomasina, “You don’t know Silas Benjamin like I do.”

Reporter types away at his desk- spread around him are photocopies of autopsy reports and newspaper articles. An editor approaches him, “Lannister, I’d like to speak with you in the conference room.” Cut to: and Editor and a Publisher stare down Reporter. Editor, “Lannister, I’ve gotten some disturbing reports about how you find your stories.” Reporter, confused, “I- what?” Editor, “Have you ever fabricated a story?” Reporter, “What? No!” Publisher, “I received a call yesterday from several of the men you quoted in your article about drug use among veterans- all claiming that you paid them to let you use their names.” Reporter, “I would never do that! I have always adhered to the strictest code of journalistic ethics!” Editor, “These allegations have forced us to re-evaluate your current project, the one about king Silas’s parents.” Reporter holds up a folder full of papers, “I have right here a copy of Christopher Benjamin’s autopsy report and several newspaper accounts- he was driving drunk, with his wife in the passenger seat, when he drove into oncoming traffic! He killed himself, his wife, and an innocent mother and two of her children!” Editor, “I called the Temperance medical examiner’s office- no such autopsy report exists.” Reporter, “No, no, no, I saw it! I held it in my hands!” Publisher, “You’ve disgraced our entire publication, Mr. Lannister. We can no longer employ you, especially if you seek to publish slander about our nation’s king.” Reporter, “This isn’t slander!” Publisher, “You have ten minutes to gather your belongings, and security will escort you from the building.”

Two security guards walk reporter out to his car, which is being towed. Reporter, “Oh you have got to be fucking me right now!” Tow truck guy, “I’m sorry Mr. Lannister, your car’s being repossessed.” Reporter, “That I know is bullshit, I have paid every single one of my bills on time, I am extremely careful about my finances!” Tow truck guy, “Sorry, but the order I got has your name and license number on it, so I gotta take your car. Talk to your bank. Maybe they screwed something up.” Reporter, “How am I supposed to get home?” Security guy, “I’ll spot you for bus fare.” Cut to: Reporter awkwardly sits on a city bus, his heavy box of stuff in his lap. Cut to: in his small, messy apartment, Reporter argues on the phone, “I don’t understand- how can my assets be frozen? If I were committing fraud, I would be making my paycheck a lot bigger than it is! Yes, I would like to speak to a manager (pause) Next month? I can’t fucking wait a month! I have to feed myself! I’m coming down there right now, and- no I am not making threats! What? You have to- SON OF A BITCH!” he slams the phone down in rage and rubs his forehead. He sits for a moment, head in his hands, horrified and dismayed. There’s a knock at the door. Reporter stomps over and wrenches the door open, “What do you want?!” On the other side stands a pretty, demure blonde, Nancy, “Vince?” Reporter, “Oh my god, Nancy!” Nancy, “I heard about your termination- something’s wrong. I know you never lied.” Reporter, “I think I know what’s going on. It’s because of my story about King Silas’s parents. They’re trying to discredit me. I’m not going to let that happen.” Nancy, “How about I take you for a nice dinner, first? You look like you could use some food. I’ll pay.” Reporter, “You’re an angel, Nance.”

Nighttime, Nancy drives Reporter home, “Even if they discredit me, I still have the evidence.” A siren sounds, and Nancy pulls over to let a fire truck pass. Reporter, “Thanks for the dinner. I don’t know when I’ll be able to re-pay you, but I promise, I will re-pay you.” Nancy, “Are they… is that truck headed towards your apartment building?” Cut to: Reporter stands in front of his burning apartment building, horrified, as a firefighter talks to him, “Gas line explosion.” Wordlessly, Reporter looks over at the other people. He notices a lone woman leaning against a car, calmly smoking a cigarette. Thomasina. Reporter, “You- YOU!” Thomasina looks at him, and smirks, “King Silas’s new infrastructure project can’t come fast enough.” She stubs out her cigarette and walks off.

[ckhalifa-blog1]

California Island:pensideout.org

    I’M ILL NOT SICC          

Born,

Eleven sixteen Eighty-Eight,

On this day I cried to wake,

Didn’t know what I was,

Or where I was,

Held in rubber gloves,

Passed through the fuzz,

Now I was passed to my mum,

But this is not where I begun,

 Forty one years ago my mum begun,

To a catholic mum who was far from a nun,

And a pop who would help to defeat Hitler,

 My father was from a family much richer,

A family in the pictures,

Cairo’s Hollywood,

Fatma, and Niema Atkif,

Gili Gili doing backflips,

A family of actors,

  A pure bred American,

And a hungry Egyptian,

Got together to cook,

I’m what popped out of the kitchen,

Wait something is missing?

An older sister from the same kitchen,

She prayed, asked, wished for me,

Now birthed she gets to name me,

First name Shawn last name K-leaf,

Middle name Malone for a grandpa never known,

Although Pop’s was a rolling stone,

I was part of a happy home,

 My mom would have to be a pop,

For me and my Sis,

This was going to be hard,

When every window in the hood was barred,

Trapped in a jungle,

Crime is Los Angeles Fungal,

93 hit harder than a San Andreas rumble,

A white woman alone with two kids,

In a city with no positives,

My mom packed up our apartment,

Stuffed our lives inside of a small van,

Drove 80-miles east to a very raw land,

Perris California our escape plan,

 Who Knew?

Who Knew?

Who Knew?

I didn’t,

She didn’t,

 Things gotta get better,

Beside the strange weather,

Perris sun as hot as a desert,

Our new home was a treasure,

Three bedrooms were fly,

Living, den and room to dine,

Streets were clean we could play outside,

This was life,

That was life,

Definition of how to live in California right,

Despite hype or our past plight,

Our new life was taking flight,

A curly haired bad boy who loved to fight,

But only because every time I went outside,

I had to fight,

 Mom still worked in L.A.,

So she was gone all day,

Some days I went out to play,

Some days everything was okay,

Some days the sky turned gray,

Older kids punched me in the face,

 The neighbor was a grown up,

He worked in construction,

He should have protected me,

Instead he was destructive,

Bicycled past his home with a wave,

His anger rose like a wave,

Like Marsha I took a football to my face,

I fell, and I cried,

Told mom but the neighbor said I lied,

That was the day my safety died,

I was unprotected,

Like Charlie Sheen’s penis,

5-year’s old,

I could tell you what a mean street is,

 Who could see this?

I couldn’t see this,

Good Lord I needed Jesus,

Truth told he never left me alone,

When I almost died,

You saw me pull through,

Whenever I cried,

I got strength from you,

 One day the sky was blue,

And yes I remember you,

Daniel, Alex, and Desiree,

You kidnapped me,

Locked me inside an abandoned houses garage,

Tears flowed a barrage,

You laughed,

I see you through the window,

Did you know I was scared of the dark?

I believed in monsters I believed in ghost,

I was scared the most,

Why did you do it?

You ruined me you ruined me,

 Low budget kids in poverty,

Using abandoned homes as a playground,

I bet you heard the sound,

From the very first pound,

Punched my way through a window,

It wasn’t that simple,

Ripped my arm open,

Got the scar to prove it,

Still needed help,

None of you would do it,

All stood still,

I thought you killed me,

Thinking I was a goner,

I walked home slowly,

First worst day of my life,

And I was only five,

Again I nearly died,

Yet God never left my side,

Instead I got a gift inside,

I knew I would go through a lot,

And get through it all,

And grow to be tall,

Bigger than all of my flaws…..

 If I can change the world,

I’ll do it,

On California Island,

If I can change the world,

I’ll do it,

On California Island…

 I was raised on a street with hopes and dreams,

Two story track house a few dope fiends,

It was the 90’s and the trendiness thing,

Was moving out of L.A.,

Life couldn’t be better than it seemed,

The worst side of my city was on the other side of a freeway,

I lived up-town people were getting paid,

On my block we never heard of a raid,

That was down town over the bridge bullshit,

Where Crips and ese’s were trying to get hood rich,

Then 96 came and little Pimp Mob started,

I wish my mama told me to stay out of those apartments,

I swear hanging in the Pink’s was where all my drama started,

There was NPM’s then PNHC’s,

Up-town’s Crip mentality,

I learned to like Blue and never speak with the B’s,

But in my heart I knew gang banging wasn’t for me,

So I just stuck to smoking weed and running from the police,

I will never forget the time they beat me,

That was payback for the time’s I ran and beat them,

If I can change the world I must start where it begins,

 If I can change the world,

I’ll do it,

On California Island,

If I can change the world,

I’ll do it,

On California Island, …

 There was a big bang,

My new clothes was heavy chains,

I lost everything,

No weed I felt every pain,

It was heavy main,

I thought I had life figured out,

I knew noth-a-thing,

No way of getting out,

I was there to stay,

Locked in my cell a couple of days,

Then I start to pray,

Church man came,

Said, “Give your life to Christ get rid of your pain”,

How do I choose right after living this way?

He said accept your Lord and Savior and be saved,

I did and watched yesterday get washed away,

 If I can change the world,

I will do it,

On California Island,

If I can change the world,

I’ll do it,

On California Island …

 First it was Perris California,

Grams of marijuana,

Now it’s a message to the youth saying you don’t really wanna,

Lose your life and be a goner,

Prison crops are growing taller,

To feed the street thugs and ballers,

All they do is hear you holla,

That you make the mighty dolla,

That pay the CO.’s and Police to beat you when they wanna,

You deceitful you dishonor,

Please just be cool and don’t bother,

I am prequel to this squalor,

It won’t be too cool to follow,

And be a sequel to my failure,

I can change the world,

If you live your life better,                            

You hear that?

I just changed the world,

Because you living life better,

 California Island,

Here I come,

Right back where I started from,

 If the radio played me,

They wouldn’t call me crazy,

But if I put this hook in a book,

They’d be quick to medicate me,

Lock me up cage me,

Two chains is my jewelry,

Not talking bout a neckless,

I’m talking bout what I have to wear,

Just to eat my breakfast,

I swear I’m not even here,

I live somewhere in my synapses,

I’ll do this sentence backwards,

Now I’m only 15,

Locked in a cell with a lil kid sink,

Now it’s 2017 and all I did was blink,

That’s wisdom from an old lady,

My mama never did crack they called me a soul baby,

So So So baby,

I already told my mama there’s no justice there’s just us,

Ten minutes later they found me bleeding in hand cuffs,

Slammed me into a wall and I didn’t even cuss,

Now I’m locked in a hole with No Good and Bad Luck,

Told them my names Shawn Khalifa and I don’t give a fuck,

 California Island,

Here I come,

Right back where I started from,

 I’m not goin worry about nothing,

That’s wisdom from PSYCO,

Today I will be happy,

Joy has a hold of me,

Ain’t never letting go of me,

Ain’t it good to be happily,

A positive vibed mentality,

One day when I get released,

To the dirty concrete,

Tears of joy I will weep,

As I kiss the street,

Back to my feet lots of friends to meet,

Washed clean of my sins things will never be the same,

Men change I’ve changed,

Things will never be the same I changed,

Seven wise men say they live to be good men,

One dull man say’s I am who I am,

Now you tell me who’s the wise man,

You see you have your real’s and your lie’s,

Your dull and the wise,

But the wise are so wise they tell lies,

They’re just bad guys in disguise,

The dull tells you what it is,

So in the dull wisdom lives,

So when I’m judged dull it’s a compliment,

  California Island,

Here I come,

Right back where I started from,

 Inside a system where I have been ruled to nothing,

I don’t get back by saying Motha fuck um,

I been died so they can’t kill what’s already dead,

Been fed can’t starve me again,

In death I feel so live I’m not in the pen,

I am basically a hologram waiting to end,

Then I’ll be an angel to take care of my friends,

When days grow long no end in sight,

Reach deep down bring out the light,

Me and you may yet share a struggle,

But oh yes you and I will bare our trouble,

We have walked this road before where others have tread,

In the lowest place raised our heads,

Brothers and sisters there is this place,

On an Island of lore what is this place,

But an Island of horror please say grace thank the Lord,

They got all they can get can’t take no more,

24 behind a closed door,

Not close to what’s in store,

I’m a thousand feet away some sinners are close to hell,

I don’t hate anybody they do enough of that themselves,

And Psalms 109 takes care of that by itself,

Please do me one favor when you put this book on a shelf,

Thank God that you are you and not somebody else…

 On California Island…

   5�^�<@��x~�

[artificialqueens]

Rose Tint My World Chapter 1 (Pharon) - Dottie

Summary: High School is finally over for Phi Phi and Sharon, and now they have the entire summer to spend together before they go off to college. Throw in a nightmare of an ex, and being trapped in a fast moving confined space for hours on end and you get… well, you could probably guess. 

A/N: Thank you all so much for the love and support I have received, especially concerning this fic! This fic wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for all of you!!! And thank you to Ortega for being so amazing and supportive (I mean shes practically my wife), and a huge loving thank you goes to Jazz for being a big part of my emotional support (poor bitch had to put up with ME) and for helping me whenever I got stuck!! Also thank you to Cece for being so amazing and wonderful all the time, she doesn’t get near the amount of credit she deserves, she’s so nice and I love her. And thank you to my actual sister and loml purecamp for betaing this and for just existing????? because she’s perfect???? And lastly, but most importantly, thank you to everyone who has read this/is reading this/will read this. I could not have done this without you in the first place and I am in awe that you’re even reading this. I love your pussies. Okay enough of my sappy bullshit and on with the fic. :)

Phi Phi groaned as the alarm on her phone blared at seven forty-five on a saturday morning. It was disgustingly early and if it weren’t graduation day and if her grandparents hadn’t driven up from Texas to see her graduate and to take her out for breakfast, then she would have shut her phone off and gone back to sleep.

Sharon had kept her up way too late the night before, deciding that it would be cute to have a date night at their old elementary school’s playground. Phi Phi thought it was stupid no she didn’t but the way Sharon giggled into her shoulder as they laid on the damp grass, and pretended to know anything about astrology, made Phi Phi’s chest so full of happiness, love and adoration for that dork.

When Sharon had dropped her off, it was nearing four in the morning and the pair were exhausted. Though for some reason, Sharon had declined Phi Phi’s invitation to spend the night, which was fine she guessed, but odd.

She shut off her alarm before checking to see if she had any messages, which she normally never did, but to her surprise there were a few messages waiting for her. Two from Sharon, one from her aunt and a Facebook message from Dida.

She ignored the messages from Dida and her Aunt and opened her texts from Sharon, confused as to why she was awake at this ungodly hour when graduation didn’t even start until one.

From: Party City Bitch 🖤

Received at 5:45 AM

I’m home. Srry I forgot to txt u when I got home. Love u

From: Party City Bitch 🖤

Received at 6:27 AM

Hey bby I kno yer sleeping but I just wanted to say i love u and i have a surprize foru but yer gonna hav to wait until aftr graduation.

Phi Phi smiled despite the sappiness. She was dating an absolute dork. She checked her other two messages which were both just simple ‘Congratulations’ texts. She locked her phone and rolled out of bed, trudging into the bathroom for a quick shower. It was going to be a long day, she could already tell.

Xx

Breakfast with her mom and grandparents went unexpectedly smooth. Her grandparents had kept going on and on about how excited they were to meet Sharon later that afternoon and all Phi Phi could think about was Sharon walking in with white contacts, ten inch heels and dark make up. She was lucky her conservative grandparents were so accepting of her sexuality, but she was still worried that Sharon might be a little more than they could handle. Of course she would never voice those concerns aloud, but they were still her concerns nonetheless. She loved Sharon and it meant a lot to her that her grandparents accepted her how she was; spooky, stupid and beautiful.

Phi Phi was nearly sick with nerves when they got to the high school, knowing that in just over an hour and a half Sharon would be meeting her southern baptist grandparents for the first time- as her girlfriend. She said her quick goodbyes to her mom and grandparents and rushed off to join the rest of her class, her cap and gown clutched tightly in her shaking hands.

She squeezed through the parents and family members all crowded outside the gymnasium. As she briskly walked she kept an eye out for Sharon, but unfortunately, the spooky blonde was nowhere in sight.

“Phi Phi, wait up!”

She stopped in her tracks and turned toward the voice, her eyebrows furrowed in confusion as to who was calling out for her. She’s less surprised to see Dida’s smiling face rushing towards her. Phi Phi sighed before a fake smile found its way onto her face.

“Hi Dida,” Phi Phi greeted as she’s pulled into an awkwardly tight hug.

“We did it, girl! We’re graduating,” Dida exclaimed as she pulled away, her eyes bright and smile as perfect as ever. Her makeup was flawless, as per usual, and of course she was one of those girls that looked good in her cap and gown which made Phi Phi slightly jealous.

“Yeah! C-congratulations,” Phi Phi tried to match her enthusiasm but she could practically hear how forced it was. Dida’s smile never faltered, but what else was new?

“Thank you! Congrats to you too! Where’s Sharon, I wanted to say hi before the ceremony started,” Dida asked and glanced around in hopes that she would catch sight of Sharon.

“I was j-just trying to find her, I kn-know she’s around here somewhere,” Phi Phi frowned, she just really wanted her girlfriend to pull her away from the unnecessary conversation.

“Phi Phi,” she heard an all too familiar voice call out. She immediately turned at the sound of her girlfriend’s voice, her eyes raking over the crowd. She recognized the blonde hair instantly, but didn’t recognize the girl it belonged to, well she did, but she was used to seeing her behind closed doors and in sweatpants, not out in public all dressed up.

Sharon stood before her, her hair in bouncy waves with her normal black lips and heavy eyeliner replaced with a neutral color lipstick and light mascara. Her freckles were on full display with a hint of highlighter accentuating her natural cheekbones. She was all dressed up in a powder blue dress that matched her cap and gown and nude heels instead of her normal black on black. She looked so beautiful it took Phi Phi’s breath away.

“Oh my god, Sharon you look so different,” Dida squealed, lightly pushing past Phi Phi to pull the blonde into a constricting hug, which Sharon returned in a more genuine and natural way than Phi Phi had.

“I know,” Sharon said pulling away and gravitating over towards her girlfriend. “I’m meeting Phief’s grandparents today, so I wanted to make a good impression,” Sharon squeezed Phi Phi’s hand and flashed her a toothy grin.

Phi Phi’s heart swelled at the confession, she was shocked Sharon would do that for her, but not at all surprised at the same time. Sharon had always paid close attention to Phi Phi’s stories about her visits to her grandparents farm, and she had known how close Phi Phi was with them, so Sharon understood how important it was that she made a good first impression even though they hadn’t discussed it.

“That’s so exciting,” Dida exclaimed, she almost continued but was interrupted by their principal calling for them to line up. “Guess I better get going then, congrats to the both of you,” Dida shouted as she rushed away to line up.

Phi Phi turned to Sharon, now that they were alone. Sharon gazed back at Phi Phi, a light blush gracing her face. She looked calm and composed, but underneath Phi Phi could see how nervous the blonde was.

Once Dida was out of earshot, Sharon turned towards Phi Phi, looking less composed than she had only seconds prior. “Do I look okay?” Sharon bit her lip and gestured towards herself.

“Y-you look beautiful,” Phi Phi said quietly, a smile fighting to break out onto her face. “You d-didn’t have to do this.”

Sharon smiled and shook her head, “I know how important this is to you, and I didn’t want to scare them away.” Her eyes were still wide and nerve ridden and she wouldn’t stop fidgeting with her dress, it was adorable.

Phi Phi let the smile take over her face as she pulled Sharon down for a chaste kiss, taking the taller girl’s shaking hands into her own, “I love you.” Sharon beamed back at her, pride dancing in her blue eyes.

“Did you two not hear the announcement to line up,” a harsh voice interrupted and the two girls turned to face Ms. Del Rio. “Go line up!” She left no room for protesting so the two scurried toward the rest of the students, suppressing their giggles.

Right before they made their very short, yet separate ways, Phi Phi stopped Sharon from walking away and pulled her in for a hug. “I’ll meet you back here in an hour and a half,” she whispered, then let Sharon go. She got a wink in return before Sharon turned and walked past a few more people until she found her spot.

Xx

The ceremony went off without a hitch and well, it was completely stupid and boring. She sat in between two students she had never even interacted with before and wanted to bang her head against the metal chair in front of her during Alaska’s Valedictorian speech- which of course was about how all of them were a family and had grown so close over the years. It was all complete and utter bullshit. She couldn’t see Sharon from where she was sitting either, so her entertainment was little to none and she had no distraction from her destructive thoughts. The only thing she could think about was her grandparents, whom she loved and whose opinion she cared for deeply, turning their nose up at Sharon, whom she loved and cared for deeply.

She was so wrapped up in those thoughts that she barely noticed that the names had started to get called out as each row stood up. She finally snapped out of it when it was her row’s turn to stand up go up on stage to get their diplomas. The next thing she knew her fake diploma- the real one would later be mailed to her- was thrust into one hand while the principal shook her other hand. She then walked off the stage posing for a quick picture and then she was back in her seat. It felt like a matter of seconds, she didn’t even hear Sharon’s name get called out even though there were only a few people between them.

Phi Phi had always hated that her last name was towards the middle to end of the alphabet, even though it was a small school. But that day she had never been more relieved because once she sat down she only had to wait another two minutes before Jinkx Monsoon, the senior class president, lead the tassel turning- which was completely pretentious but Phi Phi stopped caring freshman year.  

It was finally over, she was officially graduated. After 11 years of complete and utter hell, and one year of nothing but surprises, she was finally done. Sharon was finally done too, which made Phi Phi immensely proud. School work hadn’t come easy to her, but she had persevered and she /graduated, she had her diploma- well, a fake one.

The school orchestra began to play the commencement song, which was the students’ queue to exit, one row at a time. Phi Phi felt like she could finally breathe again when she got back out into the small hallway next to the gym. She looked around for Sharon once again, but this time she didn’t have to look very far because Sharon was heading her way.

“That wasn’t entirely p-painful,” the blonde smiled proudly at Phi Phi as she approached and enveloped her into a bone crushing hug.

“I’m so proud of you,” Sharon whispered.

“Not as p-proud as I am of you,” Phi Phi whispered back, pulling away, realizing that it was probably time to go find their families. She was suddenly taken over by nerves again, and she could tell from the look in Sharon’s eye and her wavering smile, that she was just as, if not more, nervous.

“Th-they’re going to l-love you,” Phi Phi insisted, her voice sounded a little too hopeful for her liking, but she didn’t think Sharon noticed, and if she did, she didn’t say anything.

Sharon quietly looked down at herself again, and bit her lip. She started fidgeting with her dress again, pulling it down at the bottom even though it nearly reached her knees as it was. Phi Phi wanted to reach out and make all of her insecurities go away, but she had no idea how to do that because she had the same insecurities and they had been eating her up since she found out her grandparents were going to graduation. She hated seeing Sharon that way. She was normally the more confident one, the one who taught Phi Phi how to see the good in herself and her speech impediment, instead of just focusing on all of the bad.

“Hey,” Phi Phi said quietly, reaching out to take hand so she would stop fidgeting. “Th-they’re going to love you.”

Sharon shook her head and averted her eyes again. “You don’t know that,” Sharon whispered.

“I d-do know that,” Phi Phi squeezed Sharon’s hand, causing the blonde to look back up at her. “I kn-know they’ll love you, b-because I love you.”

Sharon took a deep breath, it was like a flip of a switch and she seemed to have a newfound confidence as she straightened her posture. “Let’s do this then,” Sharon said with a smirk.

Phi Phi smiled brightly at Sharon’s increased confidence. She turned and lead them away from the gym, in search of their families.

Sharon found her parents with ease, who greeted Phi Phi in their usual, loving way with Sharon’s mom, Joan, complimenting her dress, and her dad, Bob, giving Phi Phi a teasingly hard time on her shoe choice, which were heels. In hindsight, they were a bad idea given how clumsy she was, but she didn’t fall so she deemed it a success.

Phi Phi’s family were harder to track down, especially since her short height ran in her family. But eventually Phi Phi spotted them near the front doors of the school. It was just her mom and her grandparents, which was what she expected. She was an only child and her dad was next to nonexistent. He never cared about her anyways, that much was obvious when he left them to start another family with a woman ten years younger than her mother. Not that she cared anymore, anyways.

“Oh look there’s your mom!” Joan said, pacing a hand on Phi Phi’s shoulder and pointing with her other hand. “Karen!” Joan let go of Phi Phi and lead the pack towards Karen, Phi Phi’s mom.

Sharon squeezed Phi Phi’s hand as they followed closely behind Joan. The two mother’s greeted each other with a hug and a ‘I can’t believe our babies graduated!’. Phi Phi glanced at the very sweet little old woman standing next to her mother and smiled brightly, figuring it was better Sharon meet them sooner rather than later.

“Oh, Phi Phi, congratulations, sweetheart! Your grandfather and I are so proud of you,” she said, squeezing Phi Phi in a hug. She smiled and hugged her grandmother back just as tightly.

When she pulled away she turned back to Sharon and motioned for her to walk over from where she was nervously standing.

“G-grandma, Grandpa this is my g-girlfriend, Sharon. Sharon, this is m-my Grandma Sophia and my Grandpa H-henry,” Phi Phi introduced, lacing her fingers together with Sharon’s, trying to stand as tall and look as confident as she possibly could.

Sharon smiled brightly at the elderly couple, her hand squeezing Phi Phi’s. “Hi,” she greeted not sounding nearly as nervous as either of them felt.

Sophia smiled back at her politely and looked her up and down, she squinted as if she were inspecting a piece of artwork. Phi Phi’s stomach was in knots, and the longer her grandmother stared at Sharon, the worse it got. She just wanted her to say something- anything.

“You look different than the pictures Karen’s sent me,” Sophia squinted her eyes as she inspected Sharon’s face. She then turned to her daughter and raised an eyebrow. “Are you sure this is Sharon?”

Karen rolled her eyes, “Yes mom, that’s Sharon.” She sent an apologetic look Joan and Bob’s way, who just smiled back in return.

Sophia turned back to Sharon with calculating eyes and then turned to her husband, who had also been staring at Sharon for far too long without saying anything. They shared a knowing look that only made Phi Phi more nervous.

“Well, aren’t you a pretty little thing,” Sophia drawled out approvingly. Sharon blushed at the compliment and darted her eyes to Phi Phi, who felt a lot more relaxed than she was before.

“Thank you,” Sharon replied.

“A good different, I hope?” Sharon didn’t sound too sure of herself, but Sophia laughed and nodded. She patted Sharon’s arm in amusement.

Phi Phi couldn’t tell whether or not it was a good sign, but she hoped it was. Sharon seemed to be taking it well, so Phi Phi wasn’t too worried about her.

“Are we going to go eat, then? I’m starving,” Sophia questioned, earning her a stern look from Karen.

Xx

Dinner went by relatively smoothly, it was more like a late lunch, but by the time they had finished waiting for a table and then had gotten their food, it was nearing late enough in the afternoon for it to have counted as dinner. Sharon had sat sandwiched between Phi Phi and Sophia, the latter of whom had practically interrogated Sharon throughout dinner, much to everyone else’s amusement.

By the end of dinner, Sharon and Sophia were practically two peas in a pod, joking and sharing embarrassing stories about Phi Phi- a few of which even Karen jumped in to help tell- that she couldn’t even get mad about if she tried because two of the most important people in her life were getting along and it was honestly all she could have possibly wanted in that moment.

After the bill was paid and they all made their way to leave, Sharon stopped Phi Phi so they were a few feet behind everyone else, the adults all seemingly knowing to leave them be as they walked out the front doors.

“I still have that surprise for you,” Sharon said, her tone giving away how excited she was. Phi Phi couldn’t help but smile at how adorable it was. “You have to close your eyes first, and no peeking,” Sharon very seriously insisted.

Phi Phi just rolled her eyes, her smile widening as she closed her eyes. She felt Sharon grab ahold of her arm  and lead her out the front doors. She was nervous but excited about the surprise Sharon had for her, she had no idea what it could possibly be but her mind kept going back to the image of Lady Gaga standing out in the parking lot, waiting for Phi Phi, as impossible as that was.

She felt the warm May air hit her skin as they exited, loving the feeling of being embraced by the warm breeze. She let Sharon blindly guide her until they came to a stop, “Okay, baby, open your eyes.”

Phi Phi’s eyes fluttered open and in front of her was a mint blue, nineteen-sixties volkswagen beetle with a little bow on the windshield. Phi Phi sharply inhaled, her thoughts running a thousand miles per hour. Did Sharon buy her a car? She felt an array of emotions, the primary one being confusion.

“Sh-sharon,” Phi Phi trailed off, at a complete loss for words.

“I saved up a majority of every paycheck I’ve gotten since we became friends and I wanted to buy it for you,” Sharon explained, wrapping an arm around Phi Phi’s shoulder. Phi Phi was smiling so wide that she thought her face would crack.

“But that’s only half of the surprise,” Karen piped up from behind them, Phi Phi turned to look at her mom in confusion before turning back to Sharon. The blonde smiled at her and lead her around to the passenger side of the car. Sharon opened the door and sitting there on the seat was a folded up road map, still confused, Phi Phi opened the map as directed by her girlfriend. On the map, Phi Phi noticed one of the roadways highlighted in bright pink highlighter, she followed it three times with her eyes but it still didn’t make any sense.

“I d-don’t understand,” Phi Phi looked at Sharon with furrowed eyebrows. Sharon sighed fondly and rolled her eyes.

“We’re going on a roadtrip!”

Phi Phi blinked at Sharon. A road trip. “To where?”

“LA, baby,” she said proudly, “I planned it all out by myself.” She said it so proudly that Phi Phi couldn’t help the smile taking over her face. Sharon planned out an entire trip for the two of them- Sharon.

“When d-do we leave?” Phi Phi asked when she realized she hadn’t really said anything and Sharon’s proud smile had wavered briefly.

The proud smile was back, “Tonight!”

Xx

When Phi Phi got back home it took her roughly an hour to pack everything she would need for the trip. She was bubbling with excitement, a whole month/month and a half with Sharon before the two went their separate ways for college.

Phi Phi had decided on The University of Texas long before her and Sharon had even acknowledged each other, whereas Sharon was dead set on The University of Pittsburgh. They knew that keeping their relationship was going to be tough being so far apart, especially after being as close as they were. Sharon wasn’t as worried about the distance as Phi Phi was, she reasoned that they would have skype dates and Sharon would fly out occasionally to visit and Phi Phi would come home for Thanksgiving and Christmas, so it wasn’t like it they would be going without seeing each other for longer than three months at a time. In the fall semester anyways.

Phi Phi’s interrupted from her thoughts by her mom knocking on her door. Phi Phi had everything packed and had been looking through pictures of herself and Sharon. Yes she was aware that she had turned into a huge sap.

“Hey, sweetie, Sharon’s here,” Karen said from the doorway. Phi Phi smiled and started gathering her things and taking them down to the new car with Karen’s help.

Sharon greeted Phi Phi with a kiss and helped pack up her things into the car. It didn’t take too long and when they were finished, Karen took Phi Phi off to the side as Sophia, who had come outside to say goodbye, took Sharon off to the side.

“Be safe and have fun, I only have one baby,” Karen said, moving hair out of Phi Phi’s face. The brunette rolled her eyes at her mother’s sappiness, but felt a pang of sadness that she wouldn’t see her mom for a couple of weeks.

“I love you,” Phi Phi said as she pulled her mom into a tight hug.

Karen pulled away and smiled at her daughter, “I love you more, now go before I start crying.”

Phi Phi laughed, and turned and walked towards Sharon, who had finished her conversation with Sophia. Sharon had a smile plastered on her face, but Phi Phi could see right through it, Sophia had said something that upset Sharon.

Phi Phi said her goodbyes to her grandparents, before finally getting in the car. Sharon was taking the first driving shift. They waved goodbye as they pulled out of the driveway and they were off.

They made it to the end of the block when Phi Phi couldn’t hold her curiosity in any longer.

“What d-did my grandma say to you?” Phi Phi asked with a raised eyebrow.

Sharon looked over at Phi Phi with fake confusion, “Goodbye?”

Phi Phi sighed in frustration, “Sharon, sh-she obviously said s-something to upset you.”

“I honestly don’t know what you’re talking about,” Sharon denied, obviously lying through her teeth.

“Sharon,” Phi Phi said sternly, why wouldn’t she just tell her?

“Just drop it, Phi Phi,” Sharon snapped, her tone very pointed.

“I’m n-not going to drop it, it’s obviously upsetting y-you.” She didn’t understand why Sharon wouldn’t just tell her, she normally told her everything.

Sharon opened her mouth to yell back but right when she turned her head, a tall figure dashed out in the middle of the street and right in front of their car.

“SHARON!” Phi Phi screamed, just in time for Sharon to slam on the breaks. Phi Phi squeezed her eyes shut and waited for impact. She heard something small hit the front of the car, not nearly as bad as she had expected.

She blinked open her eyes and looked over at Sharon who was staring straight ahead with wide, horrified eyes. Phi Phi glanced out the front windshield, meeting the gaze of one Alaska Thunderfuck.