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redclercs · 1 year ago

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DELICATE✰ CHARLES LECLERC.

xiv. this feels like the calm before the storm.

— the one where the world is caving in.

warnings: cheesy pop culture references, aidan and victoria are back, more articles than usual. mentions of panic attacks, anxiety tics, spelling mistakes in the tweets that i am too lazy to correct, forgive me. 2.3k words (+articles!)

masterlist ✢ next

'Did Timothée Chalamet get y/n y/ln a role in 'Little Women'?'

By Bridget Thomas

As previously reported by various outlets, actress y/n y/ln has been cast as the youngest March sister for yet another remake of "Little Women", expected to be premiered by the end of next year. However, we can't help but wonder, how did y/n manage to get a role alongside actors of such high caliber, such as Meryl Streep and Best Actress Nominee Saoirse Ronan?

Despite the success of movies such as Supercut and The Hating Game, y/n's acting skills cannot even begin to compare to those of her co-stars, she's a romcom actress, and she's supposed to stay that way. But as Ringo Starr once sung: "I get by with a little help from my friends" and y/n is no exception.

Timothée Chalamet, Greta Gerwig's other main muse, has Hollywood eating out of the palm of his hand, and his influence goes a long way. So much so, that he was able to secure Amy's role for new friend (possibly new something else) y/n y/ln.

Right after they were seen mingling at a party in Paris with y/n's boyfriend (probably soon to be ex) Charles Leclerc, y/n got the call that they decided to give her the role.

Don't we all want a boyfriend who uses nepotism to our benefit?

Seriously, though, how does y/n manage to get this heartthrobs to spare a glance her way and do this stuff in her name? Somebody call the Winchester Brothers, we might have a witchcraft case right in front of our eyes.

Click here to go to the next article.

'Victoria Presley: I still miss my best friend, but all she did was use me.'

By Daniel Gomez

After staying away from social media and her job for a month and a half, beauty influencer Victoria Presley is back and she's not afraid of anything. Not even legal repercussions.

Back in July, Victoria received a 'Cease and Desist' letter from none other than former best friend y/n y/ln, demanding she stopped talking about her in public and to news outlets. This sparked the rumors that Presley had been selling her secrets to tabloids and was the one to reveal the engagement secret alongside actress Mia Kim, Aidan Kim's sister.

Victoria immediately removed herself from the narrative, deeply hurt by her ex-bestie's actions. Now, after gathering her thoughts and recovering from being stabbed in the back, she's giving us this exclusive interview.

"I can't help but miss y/n, she was my best friend for so long. But all she did was use me." Victoria is still in disbelief of y/n's actions, after giving her all her love and support. "I let her live in my house for months, and one day she leaves without any explanation. All to meet that Formula One guy."

Victoria has expressed her discontent with y/n's relationship with Charles Leclerc several times, arguing he is one of the main reasons y/n cut all ties with her and not the rumors that she revealed y/n's secrets to tabloids.

"He changed her for worse. Their relationship is so toxic, they breakup and get back together again and again, and they're just looking for ways to use the other's reputation for their benefit."

However, Victoria is certain the relationship won't last much longer, since y/n has her sight set on co-star Timothée Chalamet. "y/n has liked him for a while. When the rumors of his relationship with Kylie Jenner came out, she assured me she could steal him away with a flick of her hand."

Meanwhile, Victoria is focusing on her beauty line and its evergrowing sales. "I'm competing directly with Rare Beauty and Fenty. I'm in the big leagues, the way I deserve to be."

Click here to go to the next article.

'Aidan Kim reveals tracklist for "MIRRORS" and moves the release forward.'

By Paul Dean

Aidan Kim fans won't have to wait until October 5th anymore since their idol has decided to move the release date for his debut album forward by one month.

While we believe this decision was influenced by the news of ex-girlfriend y/n y/ln making her acting comeback in a high category movie, his fans also begged him to 'remind everyone of how awful y/n is' and judging by the titles of his upcoming tracks, we're sure he's leaving no crumbs.

Check out "MIRRORS" tracklist here:

In Your Pocket

All The Things I Hate About You

Him

Cry Me A River

Stabber

Stupid Love Letter

MIRRORS

Round and Round (Star-5 Reprise)

Yours and Mine (Star-5 Reprise)

Blinding Lights (The Weeknd Cover)

No Lie (With Mia Kim)

We can't wait for Aidan's insight on his relationship and breakup to y/n, we're certain the details are juicy! Don't forget to presave "MIRRORS" on Spotify and Apple Music!

Monza, Italy, September 3rd.

1...2...3... deep breath in, 4...5...6, breathe out.

You repeat the process five times until your heart has set in your chest and isn't trying to break free anymore. Until you've stopped squeezing your thighs with your palms and you can keep your eyes open without feeling like the red decoration is stabbing your eyeballs.

It's good that you can manage your anxiety before it turns into panic. You're still embarrassed about The Spain Incident, although neither Charles nor Carlos fault you for it at all. Still, every now and then, their panicked faces flashback in your mind and you feel sorry for them all over again.

You don't want this weekend to turn into The Monza Incident. Not when Charles' contract renewal was announced a few hours ago and he's on Pole Position, this weekend has to be perfect. Or as perfect as possible, for your boyfriend.

Boyfriend.

The weight of the word has multiplied by a thousand in your mind. Silly, when you really think about it. But palpable in a way that has butterflies flying around your stomach every time you think about the word and Charles' smiling face appears in your mind.

He's your boyfriend and you're his girlfriend, and this was a mutual agreement you reached with panic still holding you by the throat, only soothed by Charles' soft lips against your temple and his warm hands rubbing your skin.

You agreed to come to this Grand Prix because it will be the last one for you for a while. Filming for Little Women starts soon, and though they have a couple of races in the States, your schedule can be a little unpredictable. Also, you're hoping to score more roles soon.

You breathe again, deep enough that your lungs ache and lightheadedness threatens to rise through your body. You're overwhelming yourself, again.

According to the world, you’re not skilled enough to be in a movie with Saoirse and Timothée and should give up the role to someone who actually deserves it. Which you won’t do, of course. That someone who deserves it is yourself. It has taken a lot of pep talks in the bathroom mirror to brainwash yourself into believing it, but you’re getting there.

Plus, there are more things to worry about with Victoria back on her bullshit and Aidan's album coming out in two days. There are so many things to fix again, just when you thought you were getting there. Of course the two people that hate you most in the world have to mess with you again.

"Already here?" Carlos asks the second he crosses the door to the Suite. "It's way early."

"Good morning to you too," you let the air out of your already burning lungs and smile at Carlos. "I have nowhere else to be."

You could be at the Paddock Club, mingling with whatever celebrity or rich local is there. Or even visiting McLaren, since Lando offered to 'show you the garage', something Charles didn't like, of course. The secret of your newly earned girlfriend-boyfriend titles is one you try to keep close to your heart.

As if that has worked before.

A wave of anxiety runs down the back of your neck when you remember the tweet you saw this morning about a Deuxmoi tip on Charles and you. What could the exact price be, to reveal your relationship to the world?

"Have you had breakfast? Looks like you're going to throw up," Carlos says, sitting in the sofa opposite yours.

It's at least the fifth time he's told you that during the weekend. You know he does it out of a place of concern, but it still rubs you the wrong way. You also need to look perfect, not like you're going to throw up.

"I had breakfast back at the hotel, it's just the lighting."

"Sure?"

"I'm fine, Carlos. How are you?"

Carlos shrugs, he's not being the center of attention this weekend despite this being another home race for the team. "Good."

"Didn't you have to be at the meeting today?" you question, although it's obvious that by his getting there just now, he didn't.

"Had my PR reminders yesterday. Charles is different."

Of course. He has to know what he's allowed to say about his renewal and what he should not speak on at all.

Your own team advised you not to let yourself be seen at Monza. Mildred would have pulled you out of the plane if it had been up to her, and Walter would have helped her hold you hostage until the weekend was over.

They're both trying to find out about the Deuxmoi pictures too, although you doubt they can reach an agreement of any kind with whoever holds them to stop them from calling People Magazine up.

This whole avoiding being seen thing makes you feel wrong. As if you were doing something bad with Charles instead of just finally letting the love you've felt for him for months show. You hate it.

You're wrong to compare your current situation with your past ones. Aidan was your first really public romantic relationship, but before that, you didn't hide your partners either. Of course you weren't that famous, but even then, you didn't entertain the thought of scurrying around like criminals.

"He'll be fine, y/n," Carlos adds, looking at the way your foot keeps stomping the floor, like you're some kind of hyperactive bunny. "He's on Pole. You can pray for Max's downfall, though, maybe that'll help."

"I don't pray for people's downfall," you click your tongue, crossing your legs to stop the tic.

Karma and all that.

"Maybe you should." Carlos winks at you, and your conversation is finished as Charles leaves his meeting.

You can tell something's off just from the way his shoulders tense, but he smiles at you the moment your eyes meet.

"Everything okay?" you ask before he leans down to reach your height as you sit and pecks your lips.

"Yes, everything's good."

He's lying.

─────────

What was the point of coming to Monza if you're only watching the race through the screens?

You don't think the sun has touched your face at all since you got to the circuit, and you really want to be out there. But you stay put in your seat as the formation lap occurs right outside of the Suite.

It will make no difference, though, Charles is focused on the race, as he should be, rather than whether you're watching him through the TV.

Soon enough you know what will make a difference.

It's some kind of miracle that Charles has managed to regain the P1 position after the disastrous pit stop Ferrari put him through, and maybe Carlos was actually praying for Red Bull's downfall since Max has his very first DNF of the season and Checo can't get past George in P3.

Charles is going to win Monza again.

The decision making tree branches in front of you in a matter of seconds, people at the Suite are already talking excitedly and someone asks if you want to go down, there are four laps left.

You get up from your seat, aware that if life was anything like that videogame you played a couple times on the set of Parisian Valentine with your co-star, the "This action will have consequences" legend would appear on the screen right now.

You follow the Ferrari worker out, but even between the excitement and celebrations, you manage to hear what the PR Manager really thinks of your presence in the Paddock.

"She’s such a PR nightmare,"

She switches to Italian when your eyes fly to her face. And you can only wonder what cruel yet entirely accurate thing she said.

It's worse than a nightmare. It feels like the apocalypse all over again. And the weight of the world is back on your shoulders, feeling like you're messing up what was a weekend out of a dream for Charles.

You flashback to Monaco and the way Mati pulled you out of your head and locked your phone in her purse. You wish she was here more with each passing second. You cannot tear your eyes away from every single tweet speculating about your presence, about your relationship, about your intentions. It's overwhelming.

But Charles' happiness is what matters. He's absolutely ecstatic, even after the mishaps during the interviews where his PR training had to kick in and lead reporters back to Formula 1 related questions.

The thought that maybe you should have tried to make friends with more people occurs to you when you arrive at the celebration in the private club and Charles is dragged away from you. He tries his best to hold on to your hand, but the truth is people want to be with him and not you, so you let him take the spotlight he deserves and enjoy it.

"So, are you and Charles dating, then? Didn't you use to be engaged?"

You half-smile at the girl who just asked you the question, so boldly it takes you aback. But you guess her eyes are so bright from how much alcohol there is in her system, she's bound to be direct with liquid courage running through her veins. She's pretty in that dark hair, dark eyes way that has you momentarily doubting your own looks.

The extra heartbeat that takes you to reply, has her eyes shifting around the room before settling on Charles, who is finally walking back to your side.

Your boyfriend hands you a drink and smiles at the dark-haired girl and her friend, politely. "Are you having a good time?" the question is mostly directed towards you, but both girls jump at the chance of saying they're having the time of their lives and congratulating Charles for such an epic win. But they prompt you to join the conversation a few seconds later, so you're grateful for it either way.

There's a song in Spanish playing on the speakers and Charles is doing his best to sing the words while encouraging you to move to the beat with him. With his arms around you, things feel a little lighter, the whole in your chest that anxiety carved out is slowly filling with the love you feel for him, and the happiness of the day outshines the darkness of the thoughts in the back of your mind.

That is, at least, until the first notes of 'In Your Pocket' replace the previous song, after the DJ announces it's a special request. It's a remix, obviously, so people can dance to it, but a few of them have stopped moving altogether just to be a little less discreet about eyeing you.

"C'est pas amusant," you hear Charles say to one of his friends, who is hiding his mouth behind a tall glass of alcohol, his eyes still betray his enjoyement.

"It's fine," you squeeze Charles' arm, trying your best to smile although you're being put in the spotlight and there's nearly nothing worse than being the butt of a cruel joke. "It's just a song."

You wondered many times what those surrounding Charles thought of you. They didn't know you, after all. His brothers were nice to you when you saw them around the Paddock, and it wasn't like you'd hung around the rest of his friends. Did they mock him when tabloids called him a homewrecker? Or did they believe he'd just embarked on what seemed to be a dead-end relationship?

"I'm sorry, soleil, they're just— they're idiots," Charles adds, his hand reaching for yours. He looks genuinely upset and you can't help but hate whoever requested the song a little more for spoiling Charles' mood rather than for making fun of you.

"Charlie, it's okay, I've been through worse," your reassurance doesn't soothe him, so you squeeze his hand and he presses his lips to your temple. "I'd rather listen to Bad Bunny or something, though."

Charles laughs and pulls you out of the dancefloor, to a more private part of the club where you both can catch your breath and share a few kisses, unafraid of people staring at you.

New York, United States, September 7th.

You know you're in trouble when Mildred calls tells you that you need to be at her office ASAP. She also used that condescending 'I'm the adult' tone that sends you back to when you were fifteen and got in trouble with your mother, so it's another indication that she's angry at you.

Of course you know why, the words 'PR nightmare' haven't left your brain in days. And the moment you set foot in New York, Mildred was all over you about every single thing that was being said about the Monza Incident—aka seeing your boyfriend like any normal person would.

"This isn't ideal," Mildred says after a while, she has been explaining the public's perception of you for the past half hour. "It's like you—"

"Like I fucked up?" you cut her off, squeezing your knees to stop from biting your nails.

"We were rebuilding your brand, y/n. People think you waited for things to die a little so you could go public with Charles. Aidan's new album is not helping your case."

If you thought 'In Your Pocket' was bad, nothing compared to the rest of the songs. Some in which he called you a list of things including a homie-hopper, drama starter and said you settled for a 'bum' when you could have had a 'rockstar'.

"How is that my fault?" you don't intend to sound so whiny, but you can't help it. Why are Aidan's actions always your fault somehow?

"People are talking more about how you are dating a Ferrari Driver after spending months saying you weren't, rather than the fact that you landed an incredibly important role."

"We haven't told anyone we're dating,"

Mildred rolls her eyes despite her best efforts to remain professional. "Do you really think that's necessary?"

"What do you suggest we do?" you ask, knowing you won't like the answer.

─── team principal radio: ❝remember when I said it wouldn't take me one month to update delicate and then it took me longer than that? I'M SO SORRY LMAO. also not loving this chapter but i just want it out of my way for now i need it off my drafts, but don't worry this time i'll try for the next not to take me a century. thank you if you're still here, your patience means the world to me i love you all so muuuuch♡❞

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inbloomwriting · 1 year ago

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Everything to me - Chapter 1

Chapter one - Apple seed

Story Masterlist

Plot: Jamie Tartt is a lot of things: professional footballer, the island's top scorer .... sexually, extremly handsome. But one thing he never saw himself as was a dad. Too bad he has to deal with the consequences of his own actions. This fic follows reader and Jamie as they navigate life and turn from practially strangers to parents. Pairing: Jaime Tartt x female reader Warnings: Pregnancy, swearing, mentions of food and alcohol, slight mention of sexual intimacy (nothing graphic), strained/toxic parental relationship Notes: 5.8k words. I do not have a set uploading schedule. Please bear with me as I work on this story. I know hardly anything about pregnancy, all my information comes from google. Likes, reblogs, comments are all much appreciated. I am German. Sometimes I get the tense wrong or make mistakes. I am useless when it comes to punctuation. Go easy on me, please

"You never understood you're everything to me I just hope you know, the future in your heart Is just about to start"

The universe must be mocking her, (Y/N) is sure of that. This is all one big elaborate joke and any minute now Ashton Kutcher is gonna jump out from behind some bushes and tell her that she has been punkd.

She had a plan, all neatly laid out and organized. Blue ink on white paper in a fancy leather-bound notebook. Like a professional adult would do it who has their life all figured out.

Renovate the store and get it back up and running

Sell it for profit

Pay back Mum and get the fuck away from everyone and everything that has ever made her feel unworthy

That was the plan and she was so fucking determined to stick to it for once in her life. So this must be a prank. This must all be one big misunderstanding.

But it’s not a prank, is it? It’s the consequences of her own damn actions.

Her heart is racing as she climbs the stairs up towards Rebecca Welton’s office. Her legs and feet are heavy, like concrete. Why is being honest with your friends so damn hard?

It’s not just any friend either. It’s Rebecca. Rebecca who has always been in her life ever since (Y/N) was just a kid. Rebecca who is the only person (Y/N) ever looked up to. Why is being honest with her so terrifying?

You know why!

Yeah, (Y/N) knows why. Because she doesn’t know what she’ll do if Rebecca hates her for what happened. Of all the people in the world, she needs Rebecca on her side.

As she lifts her hand and knocks on the door of the office, (Y/N) wonders if this is what death row inmates feel like. Knowing the end is inevitable and it’s all your own fault.

“Come in”

Taking a deep breath, she opens the door and steps into the room. 3 pairs of eyes look back at her but really, the only ones that matter belong to the beautiful blonde sitting by the desk.

“(Y/N), Hi. What are you doing here? Did we have plans? I thought you went back — “

“Yeah I — no, we didn’t have plans.”

It almost kills her, that smile that Rebecca sends her way. The one that’s so warm and loving and that’s been a constant in her life for most of her childhood and teenage years coming from Rebecca. Rebecca living in that lovely white house next door with the rose bushes and the big windows. Rebecca who taught her how to do the perfect eyeliner wing, who passed down her coolest leather jacket to her, who held her hair the first time she got wasted and threw up in those very rose bushes. Rebecca who was the older sister she never had.

She loves that smile it used to bring so much comfort to her. Now it makes her want to die. The girl she used to be, deserved to be on the receiving end of that smile. She doubts she still deserves it.

“Can we—” (Y/N)’s eyes dart around the room towards Higgins, then towards the other man. He’s the American trainer, Ted. She’s talked to him once very briefly and he seems so — nice. Genuinely nice. Not for the sake of being perceived as a good person but because he just is. “— do you think we could talk privately?”

There’s a flicker of concern in Rebecca’s eyes and (Y/N) hates that she put it there.

“Oh, of course. Ted, Leslie, would you excuse us?”

Everything’s a blur. They leave and (Y/N) thinks Ted makes some kind of pun but she doesn’t really recognize anything but the racing of her heart and the sour feeling in her stomach. Oh, fuck.

Rebecca sits her down on the big couch by the window, the one that’s meant for personal talks, not business. She’s so nice. Oh, she's too nice.

“Are you dying?”

“I — uh, no.”

“Okay, good.,” Rebecca says letting out a sigh of relief. “Now that that’s out of the way, can I offer you some tea?”

(Y/N) shakes her head.

“Coffee?”

She repeats the motion

“Champagne?” Rebecca asks, a perfectly shaped eyebrow raised in question.

God, wouldn’t she kill for a glass of bubbly right now.

“No, I’m good. Can you just come sit down, you’re making me nervous.”

Not only does she sit down, Rebecca’s hand immediately finds (Y/N)’s, holding on warm and tight. It almost pulls an ironic scoff from (Y/N)’s lips. Mum doesn’t know but even if she did, she’d never offer this kind of comfort to her. She never did. So for a second, she lets herself relish in the affection. Just one second.

“Okay, now out with it.”

She’s rehearsed this conversation so many times in so many different ways. Like a school presentation. Meticulously planned. Even added in pauses for questions and shit like that.

All of that has vanished, her brain is empty, her tongue made of lead.

“I uh — look um. Do you remember when your dad died?”

Of all the ways she could’ve started this talk, this is probably the worst of them all. Who says things like that?

Rebecca seems a little taken aback for a moment before nodding her head and suppressing a slight smile, one brought on by the absurdity of the question, not by joy. “I do, yes. Hard to forget if I’m being honest.”

“Yeah, I would know.”

“Yeah.”

“So that night I was obviously very emotional because it reminded me of my dad and all of that bullshit.” Tears are already threatening to roll down her face, sitting on her waterline waiting for the right moment to strike. It’s impressive she still has any left to cry since that’s all she did the last few days.

“That’s understandable. Oh, please tell me you didn’t force yourself to come and relive all of your pain just because you felt like I expected you there? If I knew it was so hard on you I —”

This, all of this, is twisting the knife so much deeper. Leave it to Rebecca to search for a fault of hers in all of (Y/N)’s mess.

“No, Rebecca, it's nothing like that. I — I fucked up. I let it all get to me and because I’m, well — me, I got a little tipsy. Went outside to get some air and there was this guy. God, Rebecca, he had the saddest eyes. I just felt this weird connection so I sat next to him. We talked and talked and then ended up going to a bar and then to my place and then to my bed and well yeah.”

She giggles. Rebecca really has the audacity to giggle at that. In her defense, she tries to hold it in but it does slip out eventually.

“It’s not funny.”

“Is this why you’re upset? You slept with someone at, no wait, after my father’s funeral. That’s okay.”

“There’s more.”

"Oh, what is it? Was it a footballer?”

At the lack of a vocal response, Rebecca connects the dots.

“Alright. That’s — that’s not so bad. I was seeing a 21-year-old footballer. I don’t see what’s making you so upset about this.”

“I’m pregnant.”

“Oh shit.”

Getting Rebecca to swear was always something (Y/N) found a silly sense of pride in. Rebecca with her perfect hair and outfits and manners. It felt like something so alien to her and yet that was (Y/N)’s favorite version of Rebecca. The one that’s as messy as you and me even if it’s just for a second.

“Yeah, shit.”

It’s the first time she said it out loud. Rebecca is the first person to know, except for (Y/N) herself and her gynecologist. Her mother doesn’t know.

The father of the baby doesn’t know.

Just her and now Rebecca.

“And I don’t know what to do. This wasn’t the plan. Fuck — please don’t be mad.”

“Why would I be mad? ”

There is an infinite warmth in Rebecca’s eyes. A warmth she always longed for coming from her own mother but never received. A warmth that seems entirely misplaced right now.

“I fucked your employee. I used your dad’s funeral to make the shittiest of all shit decisions and now I come here unloading all of this on you because I, once again, don’t know how to get myself out of the hole I dug.”

Soft hands wrap around (Y/N)’s shoulder and pull her in. Rebecca smells like expensive perfume and hairspray. All comforting and familiar. It’s nice, (Y/N) thinks, that despite everything falling apart in and around her, there is at least one constant in her life.

“Were you really afraid of telling me or are you just afraid?”

She’s so smart and so observant, sometimes it’s infuriating.

“I’m so scared, Rebecca.”

Life doesn’t ask if you’re ready. It doesn’t ease you into things, slow and gentle. There are no training wheels, no floaties. Life happens whether you’re prepared or not. It’s nice to know that there are arms wide open for you to fall into, a hand to pull you out of the roaring sea as you’re just about to drown.

“You can always unload on me, you know that right? That’s what family is for.”

All the willpower to stay brave and collected and not cry, all that vanishes with Rebecca’s words. Family. They’re family. Maybe not by blood but definitely by fate. By choice.

Mum would’ve told her to suck it up, to stop crying, and to face the consequences of her own actions. Would’ve probably had an “I knew this would happen” or an “I told you so” on the tip of her tongue. There is none of that with Rebecca. She just accepts the tears soaking through her, no doubt, expensive blouse and softly strokes (Y/N)’s head.

For a long time, there are no words exchanged. Some moments ask for calmness not conversation. There’s something deeply therapeutic about crying on the shoulder of someone you deeply trust.

“Can I ask?” Rebecca inquires with a gentle voice just barely louder than a whisper.

She doesn’t have to elaborate. There are only so many questions people have after you told them you had a one-night stand and ended up pregnant.

“You’re gonna hate the answer.”

A laugh falls from Rebecca’s lips, her breath tickling the top of (Y/N)’s head. “Don’t tell me It’s Jamie.”

“Okay, I won’t then.”

“Oh, (Y/N).”

Where there should be disappointment in her tone, there is understanding, there is slight amusement but above all, there is deep and honest care.

“ Can you blame me? Look at him. He’s sculpted by the gods and something about that silly little accent does it for me. I hate to admit it, I truly do.”

“Does he know?”

(Y/N) shakes her head, guilt and fear coursing through her veins.

“I don’t even have his number. I know hardly anything about the guy other than that he’s a footballer, that his ego is huge, and that he likes to cuddle after sex.”

Rebecca’s eyebrows rise in surprise. “Does he? Huh.”

“Yeah, it was really cute actually.”

For a moment she almost gets lost in the memories of that night, however hazy they might be. Jamie was fun and to an extent he understood. And there’s nothing quite as sexy as a man who is just as sad and messed up as you. Is it healthy? Absolutely not but (Y/N) never claimed to have a particularly healthy view on anything.

“He works here, you know. In this very building. You can just pop down and tell him.”

The way Rebecca says it makes it sound so easy. Like it doesn’t come with a shit load of guilt and fear and embarrassment.

“Wait, I didn’t even ask and I just realized that’s very presumptuous and maybe a little rude of me — do you even want to keep the baby?”

That’s the big one. The question of all questions. It’s the second thought that came to her head when (Y/N) saw the two lines on that fateful plastic stick. The first one being “Oh fuck.” It’s the question her doctor asked. It’s in all of the leaflets and informational reading she’s been handed.

“I’ve never thought about it before. I mean sure I thought about some hypothetical future but those dreams always changed depending on my mood. Now I’m here and I need to make a choice and It’s — It’s terrifying.”

“But?”

“But I think I do want it. I think I want to be a — a mother.”

It’s a word that feels strange on her tongue, bitter and sharp. Like biting down on your cheek and tasting blood. Mother was never the warm comfort of a home. It was the cold hand on her shoulder, the icy glance of disapproval.

Maybe mother can be something else. Maybe she can turn it into something sweet.

“I’m just scared. This wasn’t the plan, not right now at least, and not like this. I’m scared of doing it alone.”

“What in the world does that mean? Alone?”

“I don’t expect Jamie to step up. I’d appreciate it, of course. But he has a brilliant career and so much going for him. Getting me, a one-night-stand, pregnant could ruin so much for him. I don’t ever want that.”

“No,” Rebecca says and cradles (Y/N)’s face between her warm hands “I mean, you’re not going to be alone. No matter what Jamie says. You have me. And I can guarantee you that there are at least 10 other people in this building right now who will also have your back. Whatever happens, I can promise you that you don’t have to do this alone. And don’t sell yourself short, you have a career too!”

Maybe the universe isn’t mocking her after all. And maybe this isn’t a punishment either. Maybe this is just life pushing her into the deep end. Thank god she has people to help keep her afloat.

(Y/N)’s eyes wander from the clock on the wall towards the door then back. Over and over again.

Every time the door opens and someone leaves the locker room, her heart speeds up. Maybe if she dies of a heart attack right here and now she won’t have to talk to Jamie. That sounds like the most reasonable reaction. Anyone would agree. Right?

The boys all regard her with a sense of cautious familiarity. They know her face, know they’ve seen her before but can’t recall where much less put a name to her.

Well, all of them but Sam. He greets her with that big signature smile of his, so full of joy and sunshine. Calls out her name and asks her about her day. Rebecca might have a point that there are more people here that care about her. Their conversation is brief but there is no doubt in her mind that if she were to call him any time of the day, Sam would drop everything and help her out. That’s just the kind of person he is.

She wonders if that’s the kind of person Jamie is.

Another glance at the clock. 2 minutes pass. The door opens once more.

Jamie is smiling when he steps into the hallway. His hair is wet, probably from the shower, and held back by that silly little headband of his. He’s wearing a ridiculously bright orange hoodie and obnoxious colorful sneakers. Everyone else would look absolutely ridiculous in this get-up. Jamie makes it work. It must be some kind of superpower.

Or maybe he’s just so unfairly fit that it doesn’t matter what he’s wearing. Even naked he looks phenomenal.

Stop thinking about him naked, that’s what got you into this mess.

“Oh, hi!”

He’s so nonchalant, so casual when his eyes meet her’s across the hall. And really, why wouldn’t he be? What they had was casual. A one-night thing, no strings attached. Just two slightly broken people finding solace in each other. That was all it was supposed to be at least.

(Y/N) feels the weight of the secret resting so heavy on her shoulders, she’s sure she’ll collapse underneath it any second now.

“Jamie, hi. Uh — can we talk?”

“Sure, ‘bout what? Are you pregnant or something?”

He says it with a smile, not giving a single thought to the fact that his joke might be no joke at all but the honest to god truth.

(Y/N) on the other hand, feels like someone doused her in ice water, just poured it all over her. Her hands are clammy, breathing shallow, heart racing. Maybe she’ll get that heart attack after all.

When she doesn’t answer, doesn’t laugh, Jamie’s eyes grow wide in return. Though his reputation might make you believe otherwise, he’s quite quick in putting two and two together. At least in this situation. He doesn’t look happy, that much she expected, but he doesn’t look upset either. He just looks shocked. There is nothing but pure disbelief on his face. The cocky smirk has dropped, now his mouth is opening and closing trying to produce words as his head is trying to process the information he just figured out.

“Do you want to go discuss this somewhere more private?”

Of all the places to tell someone they got you pregnant, the hallway at his workplace might not be the more desirable.

A pale-faced Jamie nods his head, his eyes distant and glassy. She knows the feeling, has been there just a few days ago. That’s his whole life playing like a movie in his head right there, now with added scenes of a small child with his eyes. Oh god, she hopes the baby gets his eyes.

Jamie drags her into a small room off of the main hallway. Cubicle cupboards line the walls, filled with shoes and boxes. Orange and bright green and yellow. Every possible color of the rainbow, they have a pair of shoes to match in here. The smell though? The smell has her gagging. Sweat and cold cigarette smoke. It’s disgusting.

“Oh god, Jamie. This is disgusting.”

“It’s the boot room. ‘s where we keep the boots — and people come here to smoke.”

“They come here to smoke? On purpose? Like they chose to spend time in here?”

Jamie absentmindedly nods his head. He’s so pale-looking (Y/N) fears he might just pass out any minute now.

“Jamie, are you okay? Do you want to sit down?”

His eyes start to focus again, looking straight at her. He’s terrified and quite honestly, she can’t blame him. Confusion and fear are all she’s felt for the last few days. A bit of excitement too, sure. But mostly the first two.

“Yeah. No. I mean yes. I guess? No. I — fuck.”

Nervously he combs his fingers through his damp hair as if to calm himself down. Is that something his parents did to him when he was a kid? A motion of comfort? There is so much she doesn’t know about this man. If he decides that he wants to stick around, can this ever work? Can you raise a child with someone you hardly know and not completely fuck them up?

“Is it mine, then? Are you sure about that?”

“No, I just like going around scaring people into believing they got me pregnant. Yes, Jamie! I am 100% certain.”

His hands fly up in defense “Jesus, sorry. I don’t know your sexual history. You had sex with me after a funeral, don’t know how much you get around, now do I?”

She had expected him to ask if it’s his, hell anyone probably would, but there’s something about his tone that is just so off-putting. The accusation that swings along with his words. The judgment. As if he is in any place to talk.

“Oh get off your high horse, dickhead. We both made that decision after the funeral. Didn't hear you complain. And out of the two of us, It’s not me who fucked a girl in a hot tub on national television. Eurgh”

“You alright?”

“No, this room is making me gag. I assume this is bad under normal circumstances but this pregnancy situation has my sense of smell going through the roof. This is killing me.”

“Well, why didn’t you say nothing?! We could’ve gone somewhere else.”

“I just wanted to — eurgh— I just wanted to get this over with.”

“Let me get you out of —”

“No, let me just say this real quick and then I’m off.”

She’s prepared this speech a million and one times in a million and one ways. It always worked out fine but then again, her audience was just her cat and the mirror. Having Jamie look at her, a mix of concern and shock still on his face, that’s a whole different story.

“I am having this baby and I would like for you to be a part of their life, but I accept if you say no. Just know that whatever you decide, that’s final. I can’t have you running off and then coming back in a few years regretting your decision and wanting to be a parent after all. And I most definitely will not allow you to say you’re in and then give up on the baby halfway through. I had a parent like that, I will not have my child go through the same thing. I don’t need your decision now just — make up your mind and make sure you’re 100% certain. Here uh— “

Trying to hold her breath so as to not breathe in any more of the foul smell, (Y/N) rummages through her purse before pulling out a small piece of paper.

“They don’t usually do ultrasounds that early but I made friends with the nurse as I was waiting and they allowed me to get one and see the baby. Don’t really see shit on here if I’m being honest but apparently that blob is our child.”

Jamie takes the picture, his eyes moving between the image and back to her, down to her stomach then back to the picture. It’s like his head and his eyes are trying to cope with the fact that there is a real baby growing inside her. His baby.

“I just thought you might want to have this, if not just throw it away. I’m not trying to manipulate or guilt you into anything. Let me know when you’ve made a decision. You know where I live and Rebecca has my number just ask her for it — I gotta get out of here. Eurgh.”

And while an overwhelmed Jamie sinks to the floor of the boot room, ultrasound picture clutched in one hand while the other nervously combs through his hair, (Y/N) throws up in the bin by the front door.

There are 3 things (Y/N) knows for certain. One of them is that Michelle Pfeiffer as Stephanie Zinone in Grease 2 is the coolest person in the world. The second one is that decaf coffee kinda sucks. And 3 is that whoever is knocking on her door at 9:15 tonight, disrupting her rewatch of Grease 2 better has a good reason to do so if they want to keep their head attached to their body.

Slowly she’s dragging herself towards the door. Today was exhaustion enough both physically and mentally, she really doesn’t need the stress of an unannounced visitor. Not when she’s dressed in an old, oversized Hardrock Cafe shirt, bike shorts, and those ridiculous yellow slippers she got on her last trip to Disney that look like Minnie Mouse’s shoes.

“I’m coming, Jesus — “

“I don’t know shit about babies.”

Jamie looks different as he stands before her on her front steps, hair messy and flat against his head, wearing a big grey sweater. Gone is all the charming confidence and the mischievous smirks. He’s all sad eyes and shy smiles. He reminds (Y/N) of a sad, beaten puppy. She almost feels bad for him. Almost. That’s until the words that just fell from his lips really register in her mind.

“You could’ve just texted me you’re not interested. Didn’t have to come here, really.”

“What? No, I am! “

“You just said —”

“I said I don’t know shit about babies. Cause I don’t. But I’m not gonna run off.”

“You won’t?”

Jamie has never looked so genuine, so serious as in that moment and it sends a weird feeling through (Y/N). She didn’t have any expectations in him. You can’t really have those if you don’t even know the person. Sure, she hoped he would take interest in her and the baby but things truly could’ve gone either way. To hear him say that he wants to step up and be there, that’s a feeling she can’t really put into words.

“Can we uh — can I come in? Your neighbor is staring at me.”

(Y/N) opens the door to let Jamie pass before leaning outside and facing the house next door. Sure enough, old Mrs. Hartley is standing by her window, eyes trained on (Y/N)’s front door. Jesus fucking Christ, do these people not have their own lives?

The small pink couch looks even smaller with Jamie’s broad frame perched in the corner. He’s holding onto the fluffy white pillow as if he needs some kind of buoy to keep him afloat.

“Do you want tea or something?”

“Do you have beer?”

She only raises an eyebrow in response and points to her stomach.

“Right. Pregnant. Forgot about that for a second, sorry. “

Oh, the privilege of getting to forget about that.

“I have water, ginger ale, and apple juice.”

Jamie screws his face in repulsion. If there is one thing she’s learned about Jamie Tartt in the limited time they’ve spent together, it’s that his emotions are always so clearly reflected on his face. She’s not sure he knows exactly how expressive he really is.

“I’m good. Here, I actually brought you some stuff.”

As she sits down on the couch next to him, Jamie holds out a Tesco bag to her filled to the brim with stuff.

“What’s all this?”

He looks bashful, almost shy as he shrugs his shoulders nonchalantly.

“Just some stuff for your nausea. Google said anything ginger helps so I got these lollies. Also sour candy and crackers. Not sure if it works but I felt so bad seeing you earlier and knowing it's kinda my fault, innit?."

It's such a sweet sentiment that (Y/N) can feel the tears gathering on her waterline. Maybe Jamie is the kind of person she can call when in need. Maybe he can become that person.

"That's very sweet Jamie, oh there's more."

It's a small box with two even smaller socks, so tiny it almost seems impossible that a human being can have such small feet.

"Saw them and couldn't stop thinking about how cute they were and then I couldn’t stop imagining our baby being so tiny and wearing them and, yeah.”

“They’re adorable, Jamie. Thank you.”

His words wrap around her heart like vines. Taking root. Blooming.

“Our baby”. The thought of having a baby is still so foreign to her. Her own baby, her child. Hearing Jamie call it theirs sends a flutter of feelings through her. Their baby. Part her and part Jamie.

“So what I meant earlier is that I don’t know shit about babies. None of my friends have babies, I have no siblings and all my cousins are around my age so I never really had experience with babies. I know they’re cute and I know they poop a lot. “

“They are pretty cute.”

“Yeah, and our baby?” he says and motions between the two of them “‘s gonna be the cutest fucking baby of all time. It’s genetics.”

The matter-of-fact tone in which he says it pulls a laugh from (Y/N). He does have a point though.

“I am not going to lie, I'm extremely unprepared for this. For being a — a dad.”

There’s a bitterness there, a heaviness. Maybe Dad is as sharp and as cutting a concept to Jamie as Mum is to (Y/N).

“Don’t have a dad. Well, I do but he’s right asshole, isn’t he. So I got no idea how to be good at this, had no one to show me. I’ll try though. I want to be different. I need to be. Promised myself when I was a kid that I was not going to be like him, ever.”

“I understand that, trust me Jamie I really do. But I need you to be sure that you want that. I don’t want you to stay around because of some misplaced sense of duty. I want you to want this.”

"Didn't think I did. When you told me and you gave me an out I wanted to take it. But then I kept looking at that picture, can’t make out anything on it by the way but that doesn’t matter, I kept looking at it and that part of me. That's my baby and I couldn't live with meself if I gave up on it. On you. A lot of people have given up on me in my life and I resent them for it. I can't be the one giving up now, can I? I'm better than that."

She doesn't even realize the tears have found their way out until Jamie's face fills with concern. "Oh no, I didn't mean to make you cry or nothing."

"They're happy tears, I think. I'm really scared, Jamie. Knowing that I don't have to do this all by myself, that helps a bit."

"I promise I'll try to be the best at this. I'll even rub your feet if they're hurting and I fucking hate feet."

Leave it to Jamie to put the humor back into even the most serious and tense of conversations.

"You don't have to rub my feet, that's okay. I do think we should get to know each other better though, now that we're gonna be raising a child together. I know hardly anything about you."

"Uh, you know plenty about me. You know I'm fit, obviously. You know I have great hair. I'm good at football, fucking ace actually. Also sexually."

That little shit has the audacity to wink. it should be annoying. It's weirdly charming though.

"And now you also know that I'm gonna try my best to be good at this. Hey, when the baby is here can I get one of them kangaroo pouch thingies and take them to training with me?"

"Kangaroo pouch? You mean a baby carrier?"

"Yes, that! Strap it to my chest while I do my warm-up."

"You are not taking our baby to training with you, are you insane?"

"I'm joking, Jesus. Would look fucking cool though, maybe get us matching sunglasses. Hats too. Baby icon."

"Oh my god, you know what, maybe this is a bad idea after all."

But it's not, she doesn't mean that. Jamie knows it and (Y/N) knows that he knows. For the first time since those two lines appeared, it feels like she can breathe easy again if even just for a moment. Things will be hard, no doubt but at least she can share it with someone. And it's just an added bonus that someone never fails to put a smile on her face.

"What are you watching there anyway?" Jamie asks, nodding his head towards the tv.

"Grease 2."

"They made a second one? Is it good?"

"No, it's terrible. I love it."

"See," Jamie chimes up, a small genuine smile.on his lips "learned something new about you. The mother of my child loves bad movies. This getting to know each other plan is going so well already."

And while it is a joke, there's also a flicker of truth to it. It's the little things that make us who we are. Like our love for bad movies or our desire to be better than our parents before us.

"Do you wanna stay and watch it with me?"

"Can we start from the beginning?"

"Obviously"

"Then yes! Give me one of them ginger lollies please."

They spent the next few hours watching Grease 2 followed by the first because - well it's just right to watch them both, really. It doesn't feel forced or awkward. This is not two strangers trying to bond for the sake of their child. This is a genuine friendship in the making. It feels wonderful. They exchange numbers, birthdays, favorite colors. It’s all very superficial information but it’s a start and it’s easy. This whole situation is hard enough, sometimes easy is just what you need.

The clock says 12:03 when Jamie decides it's time to go home.

Just as he is about to leave, one foot already out the door, he turns back with curious eyes.

"Do you know how big the baby is?"

"Uh, no. Pretty tiny I think."

"They didn't tell you what fruit size?"

"Fruit size?"

"Yeah like, it's as big as a strawberry now or something."

(Y/N) shakes her head in response "I think they mostly do that in American movies."

Jamie looks deflated for a fracture of a second before he lightens up again and one of those rare smiles takes over his face. The one that makes him look so boyish and excitable. Like a fucking golden retriever.

"That's okay. I'll find out."

"You do that. Let me know what you find. Have a good night Jamie."

"You too!" Then his eyes move to her stomach "And you too baby."

God, he can be so adorable it's absolutely sickening.

As she lays in bed, (Y/N) thinks back to just the night before. To the anxiety and the fear. To all the what-ifs that ghosted through her head. That seems like a whole lifetime ago and even though a lot of those fears are still present, they get overshadowed tonight. By the knowledge that she's not alone. And by the absolute sunshine that is Jamie Tartt.

Just before she closes her eyes, her phone dings with a notification.

Her hand comes to rest gently on her stomach. There’s no change there yet, absolutely no sign of a baby growing in there at this very moment. And yet she knows and that makes all the difference.

In a voice, soft like silk, she whispers “Daddy says goodnight”. It’s cheesy, outright sickening but in the dark of the night, who is there to judge her for it? Sometimes you have to let yourself be ridiculous and cringy if your heart demands it.

That night she doesn't fall asleep to fear and anxiety. That night she falls asleep with a smile on her face.

#jamie tartt x reader #jamie tartt x female reader #jamie tartt x f!reader #jamie tartt x fem!reader #jamie tartt fanfiction #jamie tartt x y/n #jamie tartt imagine #jamie tartt fanfic #jamie tartt imagines #everythingtomefic

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acourtofinkandpapyrus · 1 year ago

Text

My Little Shadow: Part two (Azriel X Reader)

Warnings!: Abusive family, toxic relationship, arranged marriage.

Part one here: Part one

Part three

Thank you for all the people who like and re-blogged my last post! I couldn't believe so many people liked my story, so I worked hard to make sure I had the second part out today! Prepare for two shadowsingers to meet. As Y/N and Azriel meet again, is it the beginning of a friendship, or something more?

The past two weeks had been a nightmare, more so than usual.

After returning to my father’s home, he beat me senseless, afterward throwing me into my room and locking it from the outside.

No one had returned to even bring me food, although luckily I had saved some in a hidden spot for times just like this. I had thought that one day I would need to hide myself, my mother, or my sisters from his wrath.

I would have never imagined this scenario, but I probably should have.

I was his only daughter born before Amarantha’s reign. He had managed to keep us off her radar, but it had only helped so much. And then somewhere in there, he decided that he wanted another child. Seeing no end in sight to our stay under the mountain, he went for it.

Thinking about back then, about what I had done to keep my sisters safe, I clenched my hands, the old scars that ran up my back, legs, and arms hurting again.

I felt a cold hand on my shoulder, attempting to soothe me.

I smiled. There was one thing they could never take away.

After I had first learned how to speak with the shadows, I had discreetly done as much research as I possibly could. I knew that different shadows preferred different ways of presenting themselves, and had seen it myself.

But these shadows had followed me from that horrible cell under the mountain, becoming the only one I could trust. They take the form of a human woman, most likely one they had seen before who wouldn’t be using it anymore.

I couldn’t make out any facial features, and if they stood real still they looked like nothing more than my shadow, but if you looked closely, you might notice how it seems darker than it should, and that when you look at them from a certain angle you noticed that sometimes they were not flat against the wall, but their own entity entirely.

They helped me stay sane under the mountain, and now they were doing the same again as I wondered what would happen when my bedroom door finally opened.

I rested my head against the wall, the chill soothing my stressed mind.

After only a moment of this, I heard my door make a resounding click as someone unlocked it.

I whipped around, standing straight with my arms behind my back, back to being the respectful daughter.

I knew my shadows had gone back to hiding, still nearby in case anything was required of them.

My father opened the door, his clothes and hair more regal and pristine than usual.

“Get yourself dressed, we have an event to attend to.” He said unemotionally, walking away and leaving the door wide open.

Dread pooled in my stomach. Whatever this was, I already knew it wasn’t going to be good.

I put on one of my more plain dresses, hoping to attract as little attention as possible. I stalled for time, taking as long as possible to do my hair.

Maybe I could attempt to stay with one of my friends until Draven gave up on this whole arranged marriage thing. Though I had no clue which of them would sell me out for the most measly of rewards. Maybe all of them would.

Eventually, I could stall no more, my father in the doorway, watching me with dark beady eyes.

“Do I have my sweet little girl back, or am I to have to deal with this ungrateful little thing that’s taken her place?” He asked, placing his hands on my shoulders as he peered into the mirror, looking me in the eye.

I swallowed the hatred that bubbled up, the urge to take the delicate handle of my hair brush and plunge it deep into his chest. I met his eyes, letting none of that show as I spoke meekly, “I’m sorry for my previous outburst father, I promise never to speak to you like that again.”

He lifted a hand to stroke my hair, his expression almost sweet as he smiled, speaking low, “Good, I love you my darling girl. You are making me proud, and helping all of us. Never forget that.”

I forced myself not to shiver as he kissed my head before leaving the room.

Getting up to follow him, I took a few calming breaths, stealing myself for whatever may come.

After surviving years under the mountain, this should be nothing. But sometimes it felt as if I had more freedom then, than I ever will again.

Everyone was gathered in the main room, waiting for me.

None of them spoke a word to me as my father opened the door, and we all followed him out.

I had three younger sisters, and to my father’s disappointment, no brothers. My sisters crowded around me, offering silent comfort, my mother walking at my fathers side.

Was that what my life was going to look like after the marriage? Living a life in silent fear, with no hope of a better future as I was forced to watch my own children be sold away.

I started to feel sick again.

We eventually stopped in a hall and I recognised the rest of the way, leading the way to the living quarters of Keir.

“All of you stay here, and talk to no one.” My father instructed as he straightened the lapel of his jacket.

He looked at me, and I lowered my head as he spoke, “When I call for you, you will behave like the lady you are. Or there will be consequences. Understood?”

I nodded, not meeting his stare.

He made a smug noise before turning and walking the rest of the way down the hall. Keir opened the door after one knock, ushering him in quickly.

We stood there in silence for another moment before I felt a hand grasp mine. “It’ll be okay.”

I looked down to see my youngest sister grabbing my hand. She was too young to understand the difference between this place and Under the Mountain.

I gave her a little smile, placing a reassuring hand on her head. “Of course it’ll be alright. It may seem scary now, but remember what we always say-”

We both spoke at the same time, “Nothing can hurt us as long as we’re together.”

She looked up at me, her eyes wet with the beginning of tears. “But we aren’t going to be together.”

I knew that if my father saw, he would scold me, but I pulled her close into a tight embrace. “It’ll be alright darling, nothing can come between sisters.”

I let her go, quickly smoothing out my dress.

Feeling eyes on me, I looked up to see my mother quickly looking away.

I knew this wasn’t the life she had wanted either. She used to tell me stories of her family, who hadn’t lived in Hewn City but had been just as cruel. They had sold her to my father, just as he was now going to sell me.

Keir’s door opened, and my father poked his head out beckoning me in.

I obediently came to him, and he pulled me inside, shutting the door quickly behind us.

Keir’s taste in decor was awful. Everything had edges sharp enough to draw blood and there was almost no color in anything. It had a somewhat normal sitting situation, but what intrigued me was the painting that hung in the middle of the room, the subject of the portate being solidly him, with all of his family except his daughter sitting around him.

I swear I could see where she had been painted out.

“So this is the daughter you wish to wed to Draven?” Kier asked from the large chair he was lounging in, a disgusting smile on his face as he studied me.

Don’t react, don’t show what you think.

“Yes, say hi Y/N.”

“Hello.” I said meekly, not looking either of them in the eye.

I heard the floor creak, not realizing Keir had gotten up until he was tugging my chin upwards, forcing me to look him in the eyes.

“Hmmmm.” He hummed as he studied my bruised face before letting me go.

“I heard about her little outburst earlier this month. If anyone will be able to tame her, it will be Draven. You have my approval.”

My stomach churned, and I wanted to scream, not hearing the self satisfied words they were passing back and forth now that my fate had been sealed.

I only came back to reality when my father placed a hand on my shoulder. “Did you hear me Y/N? I said it’s time to go.”

I bowed my head, following him out and back to my family.

Apparently, my house arrest was over, because once we made it back to one of the more public halls, he announced he would be at home celebrating if anyone needed him or my mother, dragging her off.

Two of my sisters were quick to rush off, but My youngest sister, Stella, stayed by my side as my eyes unfocused, unable to breathe as the panic struck me in full force.

Stella hugged me, and I wrapped my arms around her tightly, breathing in her scent of sugar, dust, and warmth, knowing that soon I would never see her again except in passing.

“You should go hang out with your friends.” I managed to say once I calmed down enough.

Her eyes were wide as she pulled back, studying my face.

I forced myself to smile as I ruffled her hair, saying in a falsely cheery tone, “Hey! Don’t worry, I’ll be fine. I’ma figure out how to fix all of this, okay?”

She nodded slowly, and I planted a quick peck on her forehead. “Now go! I’ll be fine.”

I waited until her scent had completely aired out before I let the tears fall, quietly sobbing as I realized that this was the end of my life.

For a little while, the only sound was my gasping sobs until I heard footsteps in the distance.

I covered my mouth, quieting myself even father as I listened.

My shadow companion manifested next to me, obviously noticing the steps as well.

I pondered on whether I should leave, I had already gotten myself in enough trouble, and I dreaded to think about the consequences if I was once again caught doing something my father would punish me for.

But something about the saltwater, baked goods, and dark male scent struck something in me. I knew it from somewhere, but for some reason I couldn’t place from where.

I once again looked to my shadows.

There was something we had learned to do. I wasn’t sure if it had never been documented, or if we were the first to be able to do this little trick, but I had never found anything about it.

I closed my eyes, and when I opened them, I could see the world through a dark mist.

My shadows and I could become one in a way, turning me into a shadowy figure that could hide at will.

I could feel the shadows concern for me, and I sighed. “I’ll be fine, don’t be so fussy” I whispered right before I stretched my head around the corner, my breath catching as I saw who stood there.

Azriel.

I watched him, standing there with something like rage on his features as he paced back and forth, his shadows curling around his ear.

I could feel my shadows' curiosity. They loved interacting with shadows from different places, learning the stories they held of other lands.

Sometimes I wondered if they wanted out of this place even more than I did.

As I thought about this I wasn’t watching the Illerian male. And so didn’t notice when he spotted me until he spoke.

“Hello there.”

I practically jumped out of my skin when I heard him speak, preparing to turn and run when one of his shadows reached me, tugging me into full view.

Luckily with my shadows and I being one, I would only look like a stark shadow.

“Who are you?” He asked, not necessarily angry as he approached me, his shadows loosening their grip on my waist.

“Does it matter?” I asked, my voice silkier in this form than normal.

He smirked. “It does if you were spying on me.” He said, and I saw the blue siphons on his armor glow threateningly.

This is normally where I would apologize, play nice until they realized I was no threat.

But he didn’t know who I was, and I was already boiling over with rage.

“If I wanted to spy on you, I wouldn’t have been caught.” I say as I take a step through his shadows, his expression flickered to one of shock for just a millisecond before turning back into stone.

“Then what were you doing here?” He asked, his head tilting as he looked down at me.

I grinned, looking up at him. “Well, I was minding my own business when I heard some footsteps. Really, I should be asking you what you’re doing here.”

His lips twitched upwards as he looked down at me. “I’m waiting for someone to come meet me, but now I’m wondering if I should reschedule.”

My heart started to beat faster with the way he stared down at me, his gaze intense. “And why is that?”

He grinned now. “I don’t think I’ve ever met a shadow quite like you.”

I was trying to think of some response that wasn’t just embarrassed babbling when we both heard footsteps coming closer.

Without a moment's hesitation I turned and ran. He called out after me, but I ignored it, knowing better than to stay around and see who was coming.

Eventually when I was closer to home, I let my shadows unwind, taking their own form again.

“Thank you.” I whispered to them, and I could feel their happiness.

Meanwhile, I was once again spiraling, but for none of the same reasons as before.

What had I been thinking, taunting the high lord’s spymaster like that? There were so many bad things that could happen. What if he found out that I wasn’t just some shadow? What if he found out who I was and told my father?

I took a deep calming breath.

He didn’t know who I was, and so there was nothing that he could do to me.

More confident, and something else than my impending doom to think about, I went home.

As I opened the door, my father cheered, “She’s back! My precious daughter who is going to be our salvation.”

My mother was sitting in his lap, and I quickly looked away as I headed for my room.

“Oh, and sweetheart,” My father said, drawing my attention back to him as he continued, “The date is set, in a little over a month you’ll be married!”

He laughed, happy as could be as he nuzzled my mother’s neck.

I felt sick. About how soon I would lose my last scraps of freedom, how even though I could see the well hidden disgust on my mother’s face, she let him touch her, his hands gripping her hips so tight it must be painful.

As I went into my room and closed and locked the door, I couldn’t help but hope I would run into Azriel again, despite the risks.

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usernameforaboredcat · 3 months ago

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Can’t Hate One, But Not The Other

(Pudding & Viola)

Before I start, I wanna say that this is just MY personal opinion. I just see such different and drastic opinions that don’t make sense to me honestly. PERSONALLY, I love both Viola and Pudding, but who cares am I right? If you do have a split opinion that’s fine, I’ll just look at you with a little side eye, but also don’t hate me I’m sensitive.

Part One: The False Lover Turned Admirer

Imagine this, just for a minute for me, alright?

Yet another One Piece arc starts, we follow our Straw Hat chef Sanji. It starts with Sanji meeting a lady, a pretty lady. Sanji being his usual self throws himself at the lady, treating her nicely, spoiling her, being his usual over the top flirty self and even a little pervery pervery I mean it’s Sanji here we’re talking about. Sanji and the lady grow closer, spend time together, even get a little flirty and romantic together.

Only to find out the betrayal, the pretty lady is the enemy, helping the big bad villain of the arc to kill the Straw Hats and Sanji himself. But as the arc goes on, Sanji brushes it off, as if having a hunch that something is wrong, that the lady doesn’t entirely have a say in the current situation, but still goes out of his was to treat the lady nicely and with respect, just as Zeff had taught him.

During his continued persistence to treat the lady with respect, the lady starts to like him, fall for him in return even. The lady grows a respect for Sanji, and in return end up helping him and the Straw Hats in their plans, to save and help them.

Now…

What lady did you think of?

Same plot, different font.

Part Two: Sanji VS Toxic Relationships

To start the only difference between the women other then their aesthetics, ages, and arcs, they have their own personal reasons for what they did and why they did it.

Let’s start with Viola.

As we all know, Viola, who was under the allies of Violet, was sent by Doflamingo to personally deal with Sanji as he is seemingly well know to have a weakness for women.

Doflamingo is Violas toxic relationship.

As an easy start, Doflamingo invaded, over threw and manipulated her country just over night, using his Devil Fruit to make her father seem like the villain and Doflamingo himself as some righteous savior. Her father labeled as a criminal by the country, her older sister murdered, her niece nowhere to be found, and her brother-in-law long forgotten by her, she had no choice but to obey him if she valued her life, which was only the beginning. Not a lot of details are shared about their relationship, but it is canon that Doflamingo had raped Viola, and in return she could do nothing but let it slide since realistically there was nothing she could do. In theory that type of relationship continued for the next ten years. Hell, during her introduction scene when Sanji first saw Viola dancing, she wasn dancing a dance called “The Flamingo”, a very obvious reference to her connections to Doflamingo if you knew the dance, which also makes it safe to assume that they still had a sexually abusive relationship even up until that point.

Like any abusive relationship, sexual or not, it’s hard to escape, especially with one with Doflamingo himself. He’s a powerful man, physical wise, social wise, and Devil Fruit wise. It’s safe to assume that Viola would have the mindset and know the the sexual abuse and rape wouldn’t be the worst she could get out of him, especially since Doflamingo could easily sell her off. Fun fact for anyone who didn’t notice, the human auction house in the Sabaody Archipelago Arc is owned by the Donquixote Pirates, their Jolly Roger being seen on the walls multiple times. And considering the types of people who could buy her, princess or not, it would at least be a better option to stay in her home country, especially since she had Rebecca to keep an eye out for. Rebecca (to her knowledge) was the only family she had left, the last thing she had to her beloved older sister, probably scared out of her mind of what Doflamingo could do to Rebecca.

Now, let’s talk about Pudding.

Two arcs later, during the Zou Arc and Whole Cake Island Arc, Charlotte Pudding was assigned to be Sanjis wife so that the Big Mom Pirates and Germa 66 would have a close alliance, only for Pudding and her family to kill the Germa family.

Big Mom aka Charlotte Linlin is Puddings toxic relationship.

“The first person a child trusts is their parents” is what studies have said and shown, some of us understanding that personally. Besides her many a siblings, Big Mom is all that Pudding would have for a family, most likely being her only parent as well. Now some may ask “well what about her father?”. Well…only one father is ever shown, Lola and Chiffons father Pound, and as shown with them when the twins where born Linlin refused to let Pound meet his own daughters and essentially banished him, so it’s safe to say that the same probably happened to Puddings own father. As any child, she’d only want to love her mother, especially considering the environment that Pudding grew up in, a candy cotton filled dream, and even seeing how her older siblings would act and how they’d talk about Linlin.

To put it simply, Big Mom is a narcissist, showing many signs of being one, especially with how she acts towards her own children. She’d love bomb her children, show them that she cares and say that she loves them, only to ridicule them, Linlin herself saying that Puddings third eye “ruined her pretty face”. Which honestly I wouldn’t be surprised if she was the same with some of her other children, like Katakuri for example. (Yes I know Kuri grew to hate his looks cause of what bullies did to Brúlée, but I wouldn’t be surprised if Linlin also made a few off comments herself). Pudding still obviously loves her mother, wanting to make her happy and help her achieve her dreams. She’s her mother after all.

Part Three: The Tear In The Fandom

This is just a personal section from me, from my own observations from my time within the fandom. I’d see people say “oh I don’t like her because she manipulated Sanji” which 1. Both of them did and 2. As I explained neither of them really had a choice in the matter. Viola couldn’t cause she was too scared to defy Doflamingo, and Pudding couldn’t cause she just wanted to make her mother happy.

We can agree that Sanji can sometimes suck, his perverted nature being a real pain in the ass and making it hard to defend him, and I can say that as a Sanji fan girl. But he still has that likability, the ability to show these poor ladies respect and offer to give them the love they deserve.

Viola was 19 when Doflamingo took over her kingdom, him being 31. And for those ten years of her early adult life that sexually abusive relationship was all she knew, sexualising herself to manipulate Sanji in the first place. When Sanji did come along, he showed her the love and respect she deserved, and she quickly learned that.

Pudding on the other hand is only 16, still a child legally. She’d probably had never known what actual love and respect was like, never receiving either from the person she cared for the most, her mother. Which is why I called Linlin a narcissist, degrading her child only to love bomb her, make Pudding feel special so that she’d stay close to her, for her third eye that can read the poneglyphs in the future.

Part Four: Conclusion.

In conclusion of my stupid and probably pointless rant cause hey, I write fan fiction not essays, I find it hard to hate one but love the other, considering how very very similar their circumstances are.

I love them both, yes I have a personal favourite out of the two but will I say who? No of course not, I don’t want to cause some of y’all scare me.

At the end of the day both of these beautiful ladies are victims of abuse and deserve all the love in the world instead of hate cause really it brings down the vibe.

I hope y’all enjoyed.

And hey, if you wanna read some fanfics give me account a look at.

Bye y’all!!

#one piece #one piece Sanji #Sanji Vinsmoke #black leg sanji #one piece pudding #charlotte pudding #one piece viola #one piece Violet #whole cake island #dressrosa #big mom #charlotte linlin #Doflamingo #donquixote doflamingo #doflamingo one piece

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theresivy · 6 months ago

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PLEASE HELP: SIGNAL B*OST, D*NATE, OR C*MMISSION ME!!

Listed below are the TL;DR, How to Help, and Full story/Context. I’m sorry I had to resort to this but i have no other choice.

TL;DR version

Please help a mentally disabled fan artist’s family to pay for medical debts for c*ncer, insulin, maintenance meds (for depression, anxiety, etc), and cat food

How to Help

D*nations!!! - I only have P*yPal (also thru K*-fi) and GC*sh! Please dm me for the link or QR code

C*mmission me!!! - I really hate asking for help with nothing to give in return, so preferably please c*mmission me. I havent updated my new set of c*mmission sheet samples BUT heres a short, quick version attached on my post as a pic.

B*y my let-go collection of merchandise!!! (PH-based only please and sorry) - In order to try and make up for the em*tional ab*se me and my mom have to go thru on a daily basis just by living with dad, I ended up in a downward spiral and tried to buy things impulsively since 2020. So, now, we’re paying the price and I have been deeply regretting it ever since. So, plsase please please help buy my palugi (selling for a loss) let-go merchandise, theyre mostly official and am selling for a loss, we badly need the space and especially the funds. Weve only sold less than a half of my stock and it doesnt help that my dad keeps mocking me about it.

Share and S*gnal boost!!! - Tumblr is the only site where i have somewhat of an audience. Please please please help reblog, share, and signal boost.

Full Story/Context

Hi, I’m Theresivy (Teh-reese-ivy), I have been depressed and mentally impaired (among other things) who draws art as a multifandom self-taught fan artist, As of 2020 my mom’s tumor has turned into cancer that has only been given medical attention to in 2022 onwards. And as of then, i have indefinitely become a N,E.E.T for my mom and our finance’s sake while being there by her side. As of now she has gone through FOUR surgeries because more and more unexpected complications keep popping up. She doesnt deserve this, why couldnt it have been me,

We live with my emotionally abusive and manipulative dad (her husband) and our two fur daughters Pancake and Waffles (of which my cats and mom mean more than the world to me) while being forced to live in one of the countless apartment complexes my equally abuse maternal uncle (and his wife, my maternal A-I-L) as we have no other choice. And as such, my dad has been kissing their asses since we were forced to move here more than five years ago.

Both my uncle and my A-I-L took it upon themselves to become the defacto head of my maternal family ever since my maternal grandmother passed just because he became rich thru the means of evil entrepreneur practices. We cant do anything lest we want to get kicked and live on the streets. He is a real-life mastermind as he is always a few steps ahead of us, even making it so that his eldest daughter became his perfect pawn of being his personal lawyer. He always has connections and to them we are merely insects.

My parents and the rest of our family dont really see “artist” as anything that could get money rolling in (and day by day my failed attemptes have been proving them right), and on top of that, they see me being depressed and such as being the “freeloading couch potato”. So they keep bringing up how much of a failure I am. Weve been living in such toxic conditions that my mom has developed this sort of stockholm syndrome type relationship with my dad, and her younger brother (my uncle), and his wife (my A-I-L, her S-I-L). At first i thought i could try and save mom but shes too far gone that she strictly forbids me from fending for myself whenever either of the three try to berate me and drive me to tears and breaking down for the fifth time every week.

All i wish now is to be able to pay back at least some of the debt, for my mom and my fur daughters’ sake, and hopefully my own. I have been in a downwards spiral ever since i have been tolerating being the “odd one out” kid from school. in general, and even in the family, its been literal years and my entire life, im tired of being used and tossed to the side, im tired of being the punching bag of a cosmic joke, and im tired of my disabilities. im tired of being useless to the people i care for the most. so please. help us.

My wish now is to be able to help mom and our fur daughters move away from our domestic ab*sers. everything is an endless spiral of dead ends and im sick of it. ive been self sabotaging for years but a small part of me still has hope, please. i dont want to believe that this is where it ends for us. in this world of darkness and cruelty that spits on our faces, only my mom and our fur daughters have shown me the smallest glimpse of happiness. and even then ive failed them by becoming a barely functioning patient of depression. so, please, dont take my sunshines away.

#signal boost #art ph #commissions #artists on tumblr #my art #theresivysart #paypal #gcash #mutual aid #emergency commissions #art commissions #commissions open #open commissions

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dayangaytransman · 7 months ago

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Warnings: mention of Transphobia, Homophobia, Self harm, Suicide, Gender Dysphoria and depression

I translated this with the help of AI so I don't know how much of it is correct. Sorry for bad english

I just want to share this; otherwise, I might do something that makes everyone upset

I am a Trans man/Transmasc/Genderfluid person. I use any pronouns except She/Her.

In my country, they won't let me transition, but they also don't want me near them pre- transition

I tell doctors and people who say they can help me that I need testosterone.

But they tell me if they give that to me, I will have a beard and I will regret it! I want a beard! WTF!

A doctor said to me that he cannot give me testosterone, but I can buy it and inject it myself! They don’t sell medicines like that without a doctor’s permission.

I look like a woman, or a 12-year-old cis boy.

I am 19 years old

And when people meet me, a grown man, they see a child and act accordingly. They call me little and short, and I can’t tell people in public how old I am, but they always ask.

I hate myself because I don’t look like the grown man I am. I am 153 cm and 42 kg. I am short, skinny, and have a baby face.

I sometimes present as feminine, and when I do, people in public say unkind things to me. They even try to harm me.

I live in a place where the government executes gay men and I am afraid when they see me as a gay boy.

I live in a Muslim country, so they expect me to wear a hijab, even though I am not Muslim.

I can’t transition here, even if they allow it. The doctors don’t know what they’re doing. I don’t want to be a laboratory mouse. Once, the most famous doctor was accused of killing a person just from a mastectomy! I want a healthy, beautiful, normal body.

I can’t travel for transition because I am very poor, and in my country, even $10,000 is a lot. Even with 100 years of working, I couldn’t accumulate that much money.

But they won’t even let me work or study! Many LGBTQIA+ people here have been expelled from school.

In my country, a trans person is a psychopath. Many of us don’t have an ID ( of our true gender) , and we can’t live like this.

I can’t attend classes, such as an art class, or visit any doctor. They require an ID, and even when they don’t, I don’t want to out myself or have them touch and examine my body.

I experience all forms of dysphoria that exist. I am dealing with depression, childhood trauma, ADHD, social anxiety, among other issues.

I tried to kill myself twice. I have left school. I don’t want to leave the house, but I am trying to change these things, and I can’t seem to do so.

And you know what? Nobody cares!

Do you think all transgender individuals speak English and reside in countries that are friendly to the queer community?

I cannot create a GoFundMe here; there is no supportive organization or similar entity available. Everyone here hates me and can easily kill me.

I am gay, and my relationships have always been toxic.

Men do not perceive me as a man.

My father left me; my mother just doesn’t care about me, and my brother is my biggest enemy.

I cry every day, and I don’t know if I want to be alive anymore. When I tell all my friends and family, even those who can see my tears, they don’t care.

I don't know what to do.

I see people on the internet who just need to turn 18 to transition, try a little bit harder, or travel to another city.

I do not have these privileges. I have wanted testosterone for four years and have tried to obtain it in the way the government indicated, but they have not provided it to me.

I hate my chest, My high, My face, My... My everything

I feel inadequate because I am unable to study, work, or even travel to see my boyfriend and best friend.

I remain alive because if I were to die, there would be no one to feed my cat. He/it is all I have in this world.

People often ask whether I am a girl or a boy. They always tell me that I am short and small, and insist that I can’t be older than they are.

I AM A GROWN ASS MAN!

Imagine calling Tom Ellis or Henry Cavill cute, little, and girlish.

And when my gender changes because I am genderfluid, it gets worse. And I don't feel like a woman.

Nobody here understands what ‘non-binary’ means.

They don’t understand the meaning of ‘trans’ either.

They refer to us by a term that I cannot repeat because it is an offensive word. A bad word that means: a person who is a prostitute has two genitals and is mentally insane. And they want transgender individuals to fully transition. Otherwise, they won’t give them an ID. And who do you think are the ones who say who is trans and who is not? The government! Actually, it’s the psychologists, but mostly the government. You need to prove yourself to them, and I tried hard, but I failed.

Even my family doesn’t see me as an adult—a man who is 19 years old.

Most of the day, I talk to AI because it is kind and knows what it is doing.

Here people think we are sex workers. That Trans people are always horny!

I have dysphoria, so I am not horny, even when I want to be. I can't even masturbate. I can't even look at it.

Here if they find out, they can send me to jail because I am an AFAB person without Hijab. All the people here are transphobic and I can't do shit about it.

And... Nobody in the world cares... I have no doubt that you do not even know the geographical location of my country.

Queer people in my country are the most miserable people on the planet. And they are against each other more than anywhere else. Gay men don't want me around them here ,same as Trans men. And they all hate non-binary people, Polyamorus people and people like me who have more than 10 labels.

I want to grow one day and become an artist, a writer, and an LGBTQIA+ activist. But also I want to kill myself. I want to become manly, sexy, hairy, and big But on the other hand, I want to hurt myself. I want to study philosophy, literature, and languages, but I also hate them because they don’t include someone like me.

I want to write LGBTQIA+ stories in my native language to contribute to my community. But this is illegal here.

I want to do anything and everything, but I know all of this is a dream, and just a dream

All I can do is cry and wonder if I should kill myself

I am sorry if this makes you upset, but I need to say these things to the world.

I wish I were AMAB, or if not, a wealthy person so I could transition. And if not that, then Canadian, European, or even American, so the transition would not be just a dream. Or if I am none of these, at least to not have all the dysphoria in the world, from top to bottom, from voice to face, to height to hips to…

Why? Just... Why?

#gender dysphoria #transgender #trans man #genderfluid #lgbtqia+#sorry for being depressing #nonbinary #transmasc #ai translation #this is my first post #this is my life #i am scared #i don't know how to tag this

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a-secret-bolton-vampire · 4 months ago

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Here, another impromptu House of the Dragon essay, following episode 6, which has left me obsessed and delighted to see Rhaenyra finally confirmed canonically queer. This is not refined at all, just all off the cuff.

Rhaenyra and Alicent parallel each other in a lot of ways, but one way that I am not seeing brought up a lot is also the way their new partners add to their parallels. Granted, since Rhaenyra and Mysaria kissed literally last episode there hasn't been a lot of time to think, but it's a sign of a much greater trend between Alicent and Rhaenyra in season 2.

The relationship between Alicent and Criston is a direct parallel and foil to the relationship between Rhaenyra and Mysaria in a myriad of ways:

Criston was spurned by Rhaenyra, and when he was at his lowest moment, Alicent came to stop his suicide and raised him up to be her sworn protector. Ever since then, Criston has remained fiercely loyal to Alicent... to an arguably unhealthy degree. He kills Lyman Beesbury not necessarily because he was against the coup, but because he personally accused Alicent of regicide. He puts Alicent up on an enormously high pedestal, as this kind of saviour of his. Likewise, Alicent is bonded with Criston due to their shared betrayal of Rhaenyra.

The relationship itself is very unhealthy. It's almost like they are codependent in a way. Criston is only where he is now because Alicent saved him. He owes a lot to her. Likewise, Alicent owes a lot to Criston for being her biggest champion. Criston is also fairly lowborn. He's from a very low noble house, and is described as the commonborn son of the steward of Lord Blackhaven. He's just at the edge of nobility, and yet he has been on a meteoric rise, shooting from just another knight to a knight of the Kingsguard, to bodyguard of the queen, to Lord Commander and later as Hand, the most powerful position in the realm after the King.

Compare this with Rhaenyra and Mysaria. Both women have been wronged by Daemon, who has used them for his own ends and disregarded their feelings. Daemon promised Mysaria her freedom if she provided names for people to hire to kill Aemond, but ended up simply fucking off to Harrenhal. There, Mysaria, having lost all she built in King's Landing thanks to Larys, is freed by Rhaenyra who decides to honour Daemon's word. Mysaria is not someone to trust easily, and Rhaenyra freeing her when she had no real reason to shows her worth to Mysaria.

Mysaria doesn't necessarily put Rhaenyra on a pedestal though. She is immensely grateful, and she feels Rhaenyra treats her as an equal and that she is meant to be queen, but there is none of this toxic obsessive codependency between the two (at least, not yet) that is displayed with Alicent and Criston. Like Alicent and Criston, however, they bond through a shared experience of betrayal by someone else, in this case Daemon.

Both relationships are those that would not be looked on lightly by society. Alicent is the dowager queen, Criston is sworn to celibacy, while Rhaenyra and Mysaria are both women in a world where queer relationships aren't exactly viewed in a positive light. Criston and Mysaria are also both contrasting partners, as they are of low rank (though Mysaria is not from a noble house unlike Criston) but are self-made people who climbed to a high position; Criston through his skill at arms, Mysaria through the trade of selling information.

Criston and Mysaria also have a contrasting relationship with the Hightowers and Targaryens. At least in Criston's eyes, Rhaenyra Targaryen betrayed him and brought him low, only to be raised by Alicent Hightower. Meanwhile, Mysaria is brought low by Alicent but raised back up by Rhaenyra. However, despite the gap in the power structure between Rhaenyra and Mysaria being far greater than that of Criston and Alicent, the power dynamic is actually completely opposite.

Season 2 began with Alicent holding power, with Criston subservient to her, with Otto working alongside her. It also began with Rhaenyra being powerless due to the crippling grief of losing Luke and then following Blood and Cheese refusing to make any moves that could hurt more innocent people, which weakens her own standing among her council. But as the season progresses, this gets flipped upside down. When Criston is named Hand, we see a major shift in his dynamic with Alicent. There is a lot of fuss made about Alicent's sex scene with him at the end of episode 2, but this actually conveys this perfectly. Without Alicent's leave, Criston suddenly makes himself at home in her bedchambers, and instead of kneeling to her or letting her be on top, he takes control of her.

Alicent grows more and more distant from Criston as he settles into his position as Hand. Suddenly, Criston feels that by vetoing Alicent from being the regent, he is protecting her from the terrible things they will be doing in the course of the war. Again, this works alongside Criston's weird complex about Alicent being his saviour. She seems so pure in his eyes that he is protecting her by taking on the sins of leadership just as he has protected her all these years as her sworn protector. The problem is that at the same time this devalues Alicent because this is another misogynistic assumption on his part that women should not sully themselves by having a hand with such nasty business. Criston thinks he's protecting her, but at the same time weakening her and making her even more vulnerable, and this is why their relationship eventually falters.

We see the exact opposite with Rhaenyra and Mysaria. Mysaria is at the mercy of Rhaenyra, but Rhaenyra allows her a place in her court as an advisor. Mysaria grows in power in this position, just as Cole did. However, that doesn't come at the expense of Rhaenyra's own power. Thanks to Daemon's reckless, self-serving actions, the Black Council's unhelpful misogyny, and undermining advice, Rhaenyra finds she does not wield influence at court. Except with Mysaria.

With Mysaria, Rhaenyra learns that there is another way to gain power, and that is with the support of the common people. Together, the two conspire to instigate riots in King's Landing and destabilize the Greens hold on the city, while Rhaenyra herself finds that she wants to be spearheading the more militaristic aspects of the war. When Mysaria sees Rhaenyra holding a sword, she says "this becomes you," supporting Rhaenyra's endeavour to take after her idol and hero Visenya and become a warrior queen.

Yet, as Mysaria later tells Rhaenyra, this doesn't in any way make her less powerful. Rhaenyra has treated Mysaria as an equal, her closest advisor, her unofficial Hand (even with Corlys newly named). The mutual bond between the two then reaches a crescendo in a tender moment of vulnerability and gratitude for each other, and their embrace quickly becomes a passionate kiss.

Criston casts Alicent down, but Mysaria raises Rhaenyra up. Criston and Alicent's relationship is based on this shared betrayal by Rhaenyra which became codependent on their united front of this shared history. Meanwhile, though Rhaenyra and Mysaria's relationship does come somewhat from the way Daemon has hurt them both, it is primarily based on honesty and compassion. In this way, as of right now, Rhaenyra and Mysaria are the most healthy couple in House of the Dragon.

One final observation is that I think Alicent and Rhaenyra are also trying to emulate certain people in these relationships. Alicent, always having envied Rhaenyra for her freedom, is finally forgoing any temperance to allow herself to enjoy sex for the first time in her life. Her doing something so reckless is her trying to be like Rhaenyra. Meanwhile, Rhaenyra kissing Mysaria is partially her trying to be more like Daemon, as much as I also believe it is loneliness and genuine attraction to her. She literally states before the kiss that Daemon was everything she wished she was. This may be only the beginning. We are starting to see a much more fiery side of her, as she begins to don the image of a warrior queen who wishes to win this war.

I will also say this, while we are on the topic; it's very meaningful to me that Rhaenyra is canonically queer, especially as a queer person myself. Queer characters are nothing new in the A Song of Ice and Fire universe, but we don't have any truly canonically queer protagonists. Dany and Cersei may qualify but that is much less to do with actual attraction to women and more simply good old lesbian experimentation (not to mention written in a pretty exploitative and male-gazey way). Rhaenyra has shades of both characters in her kiss with Mysaria, but from everything I've laid out, it's not experimentation. Rhaenyra is just bisexual.

Rhaenyra being in a polyamorous relationship with Mysaria and Daemon has been a headcanon of mine ever since Fire and Blood came out, and I've picked up on the vibes between them this season, which made me hearing about the complaints that it came "out of nowhere" really strange, because it truly didn't. It's been building up slowly the past few episodes, and it's just the logical conclusion based on what was presented.

How this will change her relationship with Daemon, I cannot say. But I will say that I believe if Daemon is jealous of Rhaenyra and Mysaria being together, it won't be because of fidelity or homophobia, but purely because they are both women he has been with, which would trigger all sorts of insecurities.

#bisexual rhaenyra targaryen #asoiaf meta #hotd season 2 #rhaenyra x mysaria #house of the dragon #alicent x criston #hotd meta

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vyl3tpwny · 1 year ago

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parasocial2, or, the complications of my social anxiety + growing self + motivation & stress management amidst all these things.

a while ago i wrote on here about parasocial relationships and things of the sort. it was an unorganized ramble, and so this will be also.

Growing Self

something i have to live with is that in my past, i have been an excruciatingly unbearable, egomaniacal cunt. honestly i still have anger issues sometimes. and a lot of the time i take everything EXTREMELY personally. but at least i understand these things about myself better now.

i have a hard time pushing people away or giving space to myself because sometimes i feel like i owe everyone my personal space. like i don't deserve personal space because of how much of a massive bitch i've been; the baggage i've created for myself and the pain i've inflicted on other ppl means that i should have to sell my personal space out to everyone and anyone who asks for it, avoiding risk of being seen as an asshole for pushing people away and asking for space alone.

and yet i find it hard to do anything sometimes. i will wake up to 400 notifications of people asking me high executive or personal questions, needing my help or opinion with something, trying to show me something that i don't have the energy to respond to, and stuff. because of this thing i am and live with, i continue to feel like i have to spend a lot of time trying to figure out something meaningful to say. it takes so much time and willpower and by the end of it i just don't feel like doing anything anymore. it kills my ability to work or go do things or go outside or talk to anyone i actually want to talk to.

it sucks. because there are (a.) a handful of people i could probably talk to every day and it's fine; there are maybe like 15-20 people who fit this category. there is another (b.) sect of people, a very large amount of people, who i can handle speaking to occasionally. then there are (c.) people who i don't know, don't want to know, or used to know. i've labeled them accordingly.

with the people in group ".b", ppl i can only rlly talk to occasionally, it's hard because usually these people are friends or acquaintances and i enjoy the company of sometimes and i can find something to talk about with sometimes. however, usually i do not have the energy to talk to them. i often have a status indicator on my discord, for example, stating that i only want to speak to people i have business with or are very close friends. people in group ".b" tend to be the first and most frequent trespassers of this request. it's very hard to disengage with these conversations or messages because i don't want to hurt their feelings, and it's not like i dislike these people. but a very very very VERY large percentage of people i think don't actually understand how i am.

i have always been someone who values being alone. of course, i couldn't live in isolation i think. but i've always valued just being by myself. i go out most places alone and i will often not participate in any social activity for days, weeks at a time. i think the best when i'm alone and i usually start thinking the most creatively when i'm alone.

so to people in group ".b", it's hard to really establish: "I want to be alone most of the time, don't talk to me", without it seeming like a negative thing. it's not that i don't care or that i dislike these people. i just get overwhelmed and sensory overload easily. and when i'm waking up to over a hundred messages, i don't feel extremely motivated to find the energy. i find it hard to ask for that, especially because of how it can be perceived negatively in light of how toxic i have been in the past as well. idk.

but then there are people in group ".c". people i don't know. people i don't want to know. and people i used to know. that's kind of broad. but they all feel the same to me. this is where it's less about social anxiety and more about perceiving the parasocial construct in front of me.

something i struggle with, among all other things, is why? why constantly vie for the attention of someone who doesn't want to talk to you. what joy is there in seeking a one-sided relationship? it confuses me profoundly. if i speak to someone and they don't return the same enthusiasm or level of interaction, i just leave them alone after that. i'm not going to try and be friends with someone who has other things to do and other friends to be with. so why is it that it feels constantly like there are people who want to call me their 'friend' and want to seek out a connection with me when i'm not reciprocating that in any way. i especially don't feel like the most unique, interesting person in the world. if i'm not interested in connecting, i'm sure there are way more interesting people than me to even talk to. so why does it have to be me? i'm just a person.

anyway. it gets very difficult to disengage with people in group ".c". again, part of it is because i'm overly aware of how i can come across, especially given my past toxicity. however, with these people it gets much more complicated. often i find that the people who form parasocial interests in me also happen to be people who a predisposition to hurt themselves and sometimes those around them. i still struggle with the trauma of someone who faked their suicide and blamed me for just not talking to them even though i didn't know them at all. so not only do i feel the need to delicately balance not upsetting people in group ".c" because they may guilt trip me over what i've grown out of, i'm also afraid of them hurting themselves or hurting other people.

to the people who aren't in the extreme ends of that. it's still difficult because a lot of the times i will openly express my social (or lack thereof) needs very transparently. and they will still continue to try and reach me. i don't really know what else to do, because if i block them it will seem so much more drastic and upsetting, because the people in this group tend to not want to think in any neutral or balanced sense.

there are people who i have ignored the messages of for quite literally several years. and they will still message me consistently as if unreciprocated message 70 is going to prompt me to finally respond.

There is No Middle Horse

I do everything. I write, compose, arrange, perform (vocals and instruments), produce, mix, and master all of my music.

I do all my management. There is nobody who manages for me.

I do all of the utility work that comes with being a public musician entity.

There is no middle horse.

And I will not compromise that just to solve these parasocial and social anxiety issues.

still i feel the need to either deal with or humour every whim of people in group ".b" and group ".c", just to avoid coming off as an asshole and to avoid people hurting themselves and others. i don't really know how to solve this honestly. other than just ignoring people or communicating my needs openly, i don't see any other route.

the fact remains that i have been a cunt in the past. i have been extremely toxic and caustic. therefore, i see that part of myself when i consider blocking someone or desiring to make my needs clear and my boundaries transparent. dunno.

i'm extremely tired. and my energy is sucked out by people in groups ".b" and ".c". to the point where i never get to hang out with people in groups ".a" much anymore, the people i really really want to be around and talk to. i want to have energy to actually talk to my friends. but i don't. i'm busy selling my soul i think.

i am slightly antisocial. but mostly i'm tired and like being on my own.

honestly i'd like to know what other people think. and i am in therapy for this and many other things now. but it helps to know what other people think anyway.

sorry this sucks!

#vyop

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lurkingshan · 1 year ago

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Step by Step Missed Some Steps

Welp, here we are at the end of this show. And it sure did have a finale! That was indeed an episode 12.

Look pals, I’ve been clear about the fact that this show went off the rails for me in the final stretch. The finale didn’t change my view on that, unfortunately — it was, in my opinion, not a good episode of television and not a particularly coherent ending to this story. The time skip served little purpose in terms of character development and as one final hilarious pacing joke, Pat is still somehow 26! But we did get some nice domestic fanfic vignettes and one last bed scene as a parting gift, which was cool of them. I am a simple woman and I was in fact happy to get 30 uninterrupted minutes of domestic relationship fluff. Would I have liked it if the fluff had a stronger connection to an ongoing emotional arc? Sure would, but with this drama I’ve learned we really can’t have it all.

In the spirit of giving this show a fair assessment while also not repeating myself too much or belaboring my criticism, I’m just gonna do a quick rundown of what its attempted big themes were and how successful I thought they were with each major thread, now that we’ve seen the full thing. Shoutout to @waitmyturtles and @neuroticbookworm for talking this through with me and keeping me sane the last few weeks, as well as @he-is-lightning-in-a-bottle, @williamrikers, @wen-kexing-apologist, @colourme-feral, @bengiyo, @colourme-feral and @sunshinesanctuary, all of whom wrote posts I have linked here. This is going to be a critical analysis so if you want to just vibe and bask in the cute feel free to skip reading. :)

The slow burn that never caught fire

Let’s just get this out of the way. This show failed on the romance writing. They did a nine episode slow burn then fumbled the emotional payoff, tacked on a traditional four-act-structure breakup that didn’t fit, and had the wrong person apologize in the final reunion scene. There may have been a lot of sex, but the emotional arc for these two was incoherent and dissatisfying in the end, and I saw nothing in their reunion scene that explained to me why I was supposed to believe they would suddenly be a functional and happy couple. You gotta actually do that character work to sell it, not just tack on some cute epilogue scenes where they are suddenly healthier without showing me how they got there.

But thank goodness for Man and Ben, because they still managed to salvage something out of this mess on the strength of their chemistry alone. I thank them for their service, and I will always treasure the bittersweet arc of those first nine episodes and the exquisite angst of Jeng’s lonely pining. That was good shit.

Pat’s emotional maturity and character growth

Speaking of having the wrong person apologize in the reunion scene, this might actually be the thing I am most frustrated about. I’ve had a somewhat rocky road with Pat in this show, but I’ve wanted to believe in the arguments that his emotional inconsistency was intentional and leading us to some major character development for him. The show almost pulled it out in the final arc and got somewhere on this theme, but they blew it on the dismount.

Because all the ingredients were right there on the table. In episode 11, we saw Pat finally come into his own, both at work and in his relationships. We saw him succeed at work, we saw him grow more confident, we saw him draw firm boundaries, and we saw him call both Put and Jeng on their bullshit. We saw him walk away from these toxic relationships that weren’t serving him, and we were on his side. The finale even opens with him thriving in his new business with Chot! It was a little weird that the show had him suddenly being besties with Put given where we left them in episode 11 (I could see a way for that to happen but the show, as ever, did not do the work and hand waved it away with a time skip, so no points from me) but that’s fairly easy to overlook as long as it serves his arc. When the finale opens our boy is doing well for himself—he has become a successful businessman in his own right—which you would expect to also come with some advancement in his emotional maturity. In those early scenes he seems like he’s finally got a handle on things.

Except that crumbles the moment he sees Jeng again, and he instantly regresses into the same insecure, emotionally erratic, weak-willed youth he was before. We see him repeat all of his old patterns (to the point where it felt almost like intentional callbacks to his scenes from earlier in the series, but that would be such a weird thing to do in this context). He begins doubting himself, he loses emotional control and sobs into his dad’s shoulder, he gets wasted and makes a public spectacle of himself, he randomly decides to get back with an ex who wronged him, and he apologizes to Jeng for standing up for himself and ending their relationship when Jeng was the one entirely in the wrong and has done no work to change anything about his situation or earn Pat’s forgiveness.

And so rather than enjoying the reunion, I was mad when I was watching this scene. Flames on the side of my face. I have no idea what the writer was thinking when they crafted this ass backwards reunion scene, but it did double damage in that it put the final nail in the coffin for two of the show’s major arcs. Impressive in its own way, I suppose!

Filial piety and Jeng’s family expectations

This one truly just has me scratching my head. It feels like they simply…didn’t finish this part of the show? Because they’ve been telling me for 11 episodes that Jeng is broken and crumbling under the weight of his responsibilities to his father’s company (well, if I’m honest, they’ve only been telling us that explicitly for a few episodes, because for the first two-thirds of the show they were telling us he loves his work, but I’m trying to go with fandom interpretations of subtext here) but that he couldn’t simply walk away from this job because he is the eldest son and must fulfill his obligations of filial piety. And that a big part of the reason he fucked things up with Pat was because of that enormous pressure he was under, and he would have to face that and make things right.

So what happened in the finale to continue this storyline? Absolutely nothing! After a two year time skip in which nothing in Jeng’s work or family life changed, Pat randomly decides everything was his fault, actually, and he wants to get back together, and then Jeng simply walks away from this job. Casually strolls into his dad’s office and hands in a resignation letter like it ain’t no thing in a very short, very oddly toned scene in which his dad just kind of shrugs and then tosses the letter in the bin. Jeng even mentions in the next scene with Pat that his dad’s reaction was bizarre. And that’s it! That’s the end of that plot. We go through a bunch more time skips and Jeng did in fact leave that job, nothing else happens, the end.

And look, I’m on record as feeling like this version of Jeng that was so broken he couldn’t see his way out of this situation or be a decent partner to Pat emerged in episode 10 largely out of nowhere, but the show took us down this path, so they needed to stand by it and finish the story. But they didn’t bother. Jeng “I intend to improve myself” Kittipong Attajiranon did nothing of the sort (at least not on screen where we could see it) in either his professional or personal life. Instead his problems just magically solved themselves and we time skipped through him becoming more stable. What am I to make of that? Guess we’ll never know!

Whatever the heck that was with Jaab and Jen

I feel like for this section I should just insert that meme of the blonde lady trying to work out incomprehensible equations, because that’s what it feels like trying to figure out what the point of this storyline was. Jaab appeared on screen in this finale for about two minutes, and Jen didn’t appear at all. The show doesn’t even bother to tell us if they’re together already or if Jaab is going to Japan to try to win Jen back (even though they previously told us he’d be back from Japan by this time), and neither of them is even mentioned again.

For this, they ate up a ton of real estate in the penultimate episode? Make it make sense!

Perils of the closet and homophobia in the workplace

Let’s end this on a positive note, shall we? This is the theme I do think came through most clearly, and they almost pulled it off (but not quite thanks to the baffling end of Jeng’s work and family arc).

We saw Pat and Jeng and Chot all deal with various forms of the closet and homophobia throughout the show. We saw the way that Chot’s partner being closeted with his family hurt Chot, and the relief he felt when he was finally able to be fully open with his love. We saw how Put’s fears about being out with his career hurt Pat. We saw how Jeng’s parents did not fully accept him and how he consequently struggled to be his authentic self at work. We saw Pat express his discomfort with the way media companies exploit queerness for monetary gain. We saw Pat get caught up in an online scandal when his relationships with Jeng and Put were exposed. We saw how all of these gay men were put in the position of working for executives who saw their sexuality as a problem to be crisis managed and a bargaining chip to threaten them with.

And in the finale we got to see Pat and Chot flourishing in their own company, where their queerness was an asset and not a problem, and where they got to set their own rules about how they wanted to work and who they wanted to work with. We got to see Jeng focus on the job he loves most in a setting where he can be his authentic self. Everybody has found a better work life balance. And we got to see all of them happy and in love and thriving. And even though the way they got there didn’t always feel earned, at least we can say they got a beautiful ending free of those burdens.

As a final note, I just want to say how fun it’s been to watch this show along with y’all. We didn’t always agree, but the discussion was always interesting and the experience brought me a lot of joy. The show yeeted itself off a cliff for me in the final stretch but I will always remember the watch experience fondly and y'all will have to pry Man away from my cold dead hands. Onward to the next drama!

#step by step #thai bl #shan shouts into the void

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majaloveschris · 10 months ago

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I also don't think he is a bad guy.//

Tbh, I don't know who he is. I am confused. As a fan I understand what his team is doing to fans. They use toxic baiting, troll marketing, negative publicity and cultivate toxicity in the fandom. Unfortunetely, there have always been some stalkers in his fandom and his team used this minority to launch this pr deliberately. Now stalking is normalized in his fandom. It is horrible, and he accepts it because he pays for his team's services. I believe he is aware of his team's pr strategy that fans call sadistic and abusive. There are many fans with mental health issues because he has talked about his anxiety a lot, and he has been their comfort celebrity. There are fans who believed in his activist image, and they were extremely disappointed when they found out about his "marriage" to a woman who is linked to nazism, racism, antisemitism and cultural appropriation. Now imagine how these fans have been hurt deeply on a very personal level.

I definitely understand you, and I think we are all disappointed. We all question whether this whole relationship is a lie or whether the past 20+ years were one. Because one of them has to be.

However, some people don't know where to draw the line. I was a fan, but I didn't have a blog or really engage in fandom talk. However, I saw what people were saying, and while there were a lot of people supporting him in a healthy way, a lot of people overstepped, big time. There were always a lot of toxic people in his fandom; maybe this Alba thing made more or brought more in, but it isn't a new thing here. And while I agree when people say that him using the toxic fandom narrative thing would be a huge mistake, and it's not our fault they chose such a bad partner for him in this shitshow, they shouldn't act like they wouldn't have any actual reason or that they would need to make up lies to sell that narrative. There are a lot of people in this fandom who are toxic and who think it's okay to say whatever they want about him and spread disgusting rumors about him.

So while I wouldn't agree with using that narrative (I don't think he will), it wouldn't be baseless.

I'm really sad for those people who were affected by this whole thing on a very deep level. He was a safe place for a lot of people, and I'm sad it was ruined. I know there are a lot of good people out there who are just heartbroken over this thing or who call him out for those things that are actually important. I'm just sad that sane and reasonable people don't get the most attention.

#majaloveschris #chris and alba pr #chris's fans #chris and alba relationship #cevans-love

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bengiyo · 5 months ago

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Don't Care for an Old Man's Underwear! Ep 2 Stray Thoughts

Thanks again to @isaksbestpillow for making this watch possible.

Last time, we met Okita Makoto, a middle-aged supervisor of a copier sales company whose toxic masculinity has let him down in his professional and personal relationships. He regularly offends his juniors (especially the women on their team), his kpop stan wife, mangaka daughter, and queer son. An unlikely encounter with a self-assured gay man led to the start of a new friendship, and Okita has promised his son that he will work to update himself so he can connect with his family and peers.

I am a little sad for this man that the opening sequence was a dream. As off-putting as he is, I do think he genuinely cares for his family.

Mm, ruined it immediately by being rude to Moe.

Oh, Okita. You can't walk it back right away like that. You're going to kill the trust of your team. You just said that people have a right to their breaks.

Oof, that was painful. Growth is not easy and not a straight line.

Wow, finally a show captures the constant pressure heteronormativity places on you when you don't fit in with it. That was an excellent sequence when Kakeru hesitated at the door.

Genuinely, this show is doing really well so far. It's putting in a lot of empathetic work on a man whose position allows his bad behaviors to cause issues for other people. I like that the show doesn't demonize him, and shows that his actions come from a believable human place. I also like that they use the wise gay child to ask the big question: Do you want to connect with others, or have you given up on people altogether?

Bro, you really should not have opened her mail. Even if you were concerned you broke it, you should have just called her down. This is not cool.

I actually like this junior's explanation of why he wears a bra. I'm glad it wasn't a gender thing or even an expectedly queer thing. He just wanted to feel like he's supported and that's enough.

Okay, I'm very excited about Okita Makoto going to sell yaoi at a fan event. I hope he brings Igarashi Daichi with him.

This flashback for Moe was also so good. We all make flippant comments about things we don't like or understand all the time. We won't remember it, but the people around us might. In this case, Moe knows her father will never understand her passions and can't share them with him.

Yes, Daichi!!

Everything about this con is excellent so far. Makoto may be getting shock at everyone's outfits, but he picked up immediately at how determined everyone is and appreciates their discipline.

I love Apple.

Daichi doesn't know what a fujoshi actually is? There's something interesting here about a self-actualized gay not even participating in this part of fandom.

Okay, I'm alright with it. He has the right attitude.

"People who love something are strong." He's beginning to believe.

Yes, Daichi, go on your date!

I teared up when Moe got emotional about Makoto selling the books, and love them ending that moment with her scream about him looking inside the work as a way to check on Kakeru.

I'm glad Makoto only observed that moment between Daichi and that guy, and has to confront the practical reality that Daichi is gay, and not just some magical youth that helps him. Daichi has a life.

Ending on Makoto seeing Kakeru as he wants to be is an excellent way to end this, because he's forced to see that people find strength in passions outside of his experience and must apply it to the people in his life.

This show is so good. There are quite a few characters, and the way they're weaving them into the narrative of the episode is truly special. In this episode we had Kakeru struggling to leave the house because he can't feel safe being seen as he is, while Moe is fighting to get out of the house because she needs to be seen by her people. Makoto is trying, but he's still not ready to see everyone the way they are. This is so legible. I am rooting for everyone.

#Ben watches #ossan no pantsu ga nandatte ii janai ka #don't care for an old man's underwear #japanese drama #jdrama

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ichirukilover · 1 year ago

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I closed the door to Bl/each after the tragedy of 6/86 and briefly opened a window to LA, because well that pair is my weakness and it made me laugh how treacherously I/R it was.

So when weeks ago I saw a beautiful I/R fanart on Tik Tok (The anime came back, so the algorithm decided it was a good idea to torture me), and the response to a comment that said "They should have ended up together "was "READ THE MANGA", I was baffled. I mean, what did that mean? had I read a fake manga all those years and the "real manga" appeared Da Vinci Code-style after 2016? Was it all a Jump conspiracy? Have we been duped all this time?

That piqued my curiosity, so I wandered around several sites, reading publications from the "correct/canon/real manga" point of view; and well, you'll see even worse things the bible says.

Here are my favorites:

"The I/H was evident from the beginning, just read chapter 0": yes, because a one-shot that is a sketch of the general idea of a manga, that goes through many revisions and rewrites is absolutely determinant in the development of the main manga, and seriously, what exactly is the evidence?

"HM arc is the ultimate proof of I/H, he went to rescue her and even came back from the dead for her": well, so did her other friends and even R/enji and R/ukia, maybe they were all in love with her too. And about the resurrection...just...never mind.

"I/H are perfect for each other" Here I could do a whole essay from a psychological point of view that proves that it is an absolute fallacy and was more than clear in the FB arc, in real life they wouldn't work and would be a toxic couple. And God knows at least that boy needs therapy.

"O***ime looks like Ma/saki" * Bombastic side eye. Criminal, offensive side eye *

"O***ime deserves I/chigo”: Oh, so he was some kind of trophy for being a good girl, so it wasn't enough to objectify her, they also do the same with the boy.

"Ru/kia was a shinigami and I/chigo was a human, and she's much older than him, their relationship was impossible." *Everything but the rain entered the chat*.

"I/H fought together against Y/wach": And we all know how well they (he) did, right?

"W/D/k/A/L/Y": *sigh* that's what it looks like when you try to fix a mess and fail miserably.

"W/D/k/A/L/Y's scribble": ...

"Anime invented IR": The studio simply pushed something that was already implicit in the original material and they knew it would sell more, it's basic marketing. Most of us knew what was filler and what wasn't (rolls eyes).

And there definitely wasn't a parallel manga that magically made sense of that ending. What a disappointment.

And I/R are the delusional and lacking in compressive reading? It's so much easier to say you just don't like people ship I/R, instead of sending them to read the manga or giving lazy arguments. Pathetic.

This was long, but I just needed to vent or something, because I honestly found the whole situation absolutely hilarious.

My English is broken, so I hope I have been understood.

PS: So in my delusional mind I/R is right now enjoying his honeymoon on the beach *wink**wink*.

Blessings.

As someone that didn't leave after the ending and has seen all these "amazing points" take form and basically became the classic "IH and pro ending dudebro agenda" list, let me tell you, I was and still am baffled too. No matter how many times I read them, I still get shocked at how some really believe that bunch of BS, or better they keep repeating it untill they'll believe it.

You adressed them in a simple but direct and straight to the point way, I don't even need to add anything to what you said, agree to all of it, wait lol well maybe I could add the the pilot chapter lit has In0ue de0d at the end of it but what do we know, that doesn't seem to matter to them lol it doesn't have to make sense smh

In our delusional mind that ichiruki honeymoon on the beach is so vivid and real... I wonder why lmao

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yellowbluemoonshine · 1 year ago

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Hello!

I short time before started Hell's Paradise. Actually, I had prejudices. For example: Chobei is really look like Bakugou and people says He is like Bakugou ( his Character) actually I love Bakugou but I can't stand second Bakugou but After watching it, I realized I was wrong because his Character is so different I love him He is good brother and Caring and good towards those he loves.

People says Aza brothers relationship like kiribaku and bakudeku but this Sounds stupid

I am actually angry with those who kept comparing the two.

What do you think? I'm curious.

Sorry for my english.

Hello, thank you for the ask! (And your english is fine) ^^.

Bakugou - Chobei Comparison;

I get you because the same thing happened to me in.

I hate all those comparisons because its not true, people tend to overlook Bakugou's mistakes, he is seen as 'actually not bad guy', 'he has soft side too', 'misunderstood angry boy', even though he is not so i think people are kinda projecting it, they wish Bakugou was like Chobei but its not.

I had the same prejudice about Chobei at first. (I erased Bakugou-Chobei edit-picture but put it in this post).

Here's my old edit-picture and now i think it is kinda trash/useless.

There were some visual similarities with both Gabimaru and Chobei. My first posts in this tumblr was literally about this. Gabimaru who is similar to Shigaraki, is groomed to be murderer since childhood, white hair, red eyes, empty heart, actually kind person but needs to be saved, only difference his redemption starts earlier than Shiggy's. Still different character and i think Shiggy is a deeper character than him but similarities are there. Edit picture is in here.

And here my thoughts about Bakugou and Chobei;

When i first read the manga, when i first saw Chobei, i was like 'Another Bakugou...' because he has a very similar design and that loud, agressive, arrogant behavior with the fact that he is kinda rival to main character made me think he was just like Bakugou. Not even mentioning his little brother blindly idolizing him, just like how Bakugou was idolized but i was so wrong and i am glad that i was because he is actually in fact so different.

1- Character-Story Comparison;

First of all, the origin of their characters is different. They both are aggressive, arrogant, tend to be violent, loud and all but why makes them that way is so different.

Bakugou is just a school bully, he is just a kid with ego issues. He is blessed with power and he gets away with bad behavour that made him the way he is. His define character is his desire to win, being better than others. While competition is good thing, it can be easiely toxic, which is what happens with Bakugou.

Chobei is just a normal kid who wants make his family proud. Especially, he is big brother first, then everything else comes later. He isnt a bully. He is a survivor. He lost his mother at a young age. His father was executed in front of him and his brother. He was the son of samuray but had to live at streets, and no one helped them. Then he was kidnapped by bandits so that they would sell kids for God know what reason so he had to do something about it, to survive. And he manipulated them because whether they were gonna take advantage of them or the opposite. He took advantage of the people around him. Of course, living a life of a bandit would make his ego blow up, it makes sense why he is so self-absorbed because he won, he survived agaisnt horrible people as kid. It makes sense why he doesnt care about other people because noone helped them as kids. Thats why he doesnt believe in the justice of others. It makes sense why he has the mindset of 'us vs others'. Lets be real. If he wasnt like this, he would've been killed years ago.

His character is intimidating on purpose so people wouldnt dare to hurt him. It is his persona to survive. And all those things isnt just for him to survive. He did all this to protect his little brother and his actions isnt excused but there is something so heroic, so pure about this. And this is the origin of his character. He is a protector. He might not be kind person but he is the type of person who would pay attention the needs of those he loves, even at his worst.

Chobei is tragic and deeper character and his story is very different than Bakugou who just needs to learn not to be awful to people around him for no real reason.

And not just as characters, the way story handled them and how they interact others is very different.

Bakugou is (anti) hero in the story and he doesnt get any real consequences for how he treats others. He bothers people for no reason but most of the time, other characters just endure it. Most characters likes him, even though in real life, everyone would hate jerks. (Like they feel uncomfortable from Monoma's actions but them being okay with Bakugou is weird). The person he bullied brutally still admires him. He gets many screentime, clearly more than he needs because most of the time, it feels very irrelevant (For example, him learning OFA did nothing useful for Izuku, except worse, because he had to endure bakugou's anger). And he kinda gets character development.

Chobei is more like league of villains in this story. I think the way he was treated as character feels a lot more realistic than Bakugou's. Because the thing is, no one really cares about Chobei in Jigokuraku because they have no reason to. The only person who cares about him and who idolizes him is his brother Toma but honestly, of course, he would. Its his family and Chobei literally made many sacrificies for him such as cutting his right eye etc. So he doesnt magically get along with everyone, even when he kinda saved everyone/and kinda died at the end of story but none of the characters (except Toma) cared. He doesnt magically win. There is a logic in his power, which is adaptation. He even loose to mc. The story doesnt even force him to get redemption or character development, though he could get one, story only show that there is humanity in him, just like Gabimaru, which is enough. He is also very relevant to the story since beginning to the end. (I am not saying his writing is perfect but at least, better than other).

Chobei and Bakugou only looks on superficial level (angry blonde boy) and their dynamic with others are different too.

2- Dynamic Comparison;

First of all, Toma's character is different than Izuku and Kirishima. Toma is very silent, negative, feminine boy. If i ever find similar character to him, i would say Kalluto from Hunter x Hunter. Just a dark, silent, mysterious feminine boy. They are very loyal towards people they love, and passive. Compared to this, Izuku is negative but he knows when to scream to others, he is also not necessarely silent. I think as character, he is a lot like Sagiri in Jigokuraku. He is kind, he also empathizes and try to understand world around him and helps people, just like her. And Kirishima is also very different because he is even louder than Izuku and he tends to be more positive and social. I think he is a lot like Tenza in Jigokuraku, than Toma who silently endures and lives in his own world. Kirishima is also have that naive, kind, youth energy, just like Tenza, they both even have the negative old self in past so basically, as characters, Toma is not similar to Izuku and Kirishima.

And as dynamics, they are nowhere similar to another.

Chobei and Toma are very opposite natures, yin and yang, thats why they match perfectly. Well Bakugou is very different than Izuku as character too but thats doesnt make it same because sometimes, opposite dynamic might be toxic. Bakugou is Izuku's abuser. He brutally bullied him, he violated his personal space, he made him feel worthless and even then Izuku continued to idolizes him. Both Izuku and Toma admires their unyielding ego and they both feel inferior and follow them but it makes sense with Toma because Chobe iis the only person in this world for him because Chobei is Toma's protector, not abuser. Chobei might act like jerk but he wouldnt violate Toma's needs. He would do, he does most of the things he did so that Toma would get the best life he could have. Their dynamic is nowhere similar to him because Chobei would never hurt Toma, not on purpose at least, if he knew it is hurting him, he would change it.

Yeah, Bakugou also learn to change but that doesnt change how he treated Izuku. He couldnt care less how much he hurts Izuku, he wouldnt care when other hurt Izuku (in the past, at least) and even with redeemed Bakugou, their dynamic isnt similar. They just have to common point, with their admiration with Allmight and becoming hero and thats it. While Chobei would kill everyone, even himself, if anyone hurts Toma in any way. Toma is his exception. Bakugou met Izuku, looked at his pure eyes and he decided the ruin him while Chobei met Toma, looked at his pure eyes and he decided the protect him at all costs, lol. Chobei also likes teasing Toma but thats the thing, Bakugou doesnt just jokely tease Izuku, he abuses him, thats a big difference. Also i am pretty sure that Chobei actually loves to spoiling Toma.

Yes one is childhood friend and other one is brother but i think even if Chobei wasnt brother of Toma, he would still have same dynamic. Not because he finds some common point or understands him, just that their opposite sides would attracts each others and they eventually get along.

Bakugou's dynamic with Kirishima is a lot healthier than bakudeku dynamic. He is Baku's first friend, he is calmer with him, its like they have a connection but its still different than Chobei-Toma dynamic because Toma and Chobei are yin and yang, they get along so well because they are opposite. Even they are not brothers, they would still would invested in each others and become partners anyway. They do find something interesting about other one while the reason Bakugou and Kirishima come to a sense is that they understand each others better because they are similar. Loud, masculine, positive. Thats how they become friends and of course, this dynamic is okay too. The thing is its just different than Toma and Chobei's dynamic.

I think Toma-Chobei dynamic is a lot more similar to Sam-Dean dynamic in Supernatural than others. (More details in here.)

Bonus; Gabimaru might be kinda rival with Chobei too, they just find a common point but thats it. Though, they could be friends, still i think it wouldnt be their primary relationships. They would just be friends so his dynamic/interaction isnt similar to Bakudeku and Kiribaku either.

It is okay to enjoy any of those characters and ships/dynamics/relationships etc but as characters, Bakugou and Chobei is nowhere similar to each others at all. And Chobei-Toma dynamic is also different than Bakudeku-Kiribaku dynamic. And i hope people understand this.

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lovelytayforce · 2 years ago

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Shifu's not so complicated relationship with fraud

Why do we as a society not talk about how comfortable Shifu is with committing fraud?

Now, first, let’s talk about fraud itself, this is what it means: wrongful or criminal deception intended to result in financial or personal gain. Or a person or thing intended to deceive others, typically by unjustifiably claiming or being credited with accomplishments or qualities. Now before we start, I want you all to know I am not condemning Shifu for his crimes, if anything I love the fact Shifu is so unapologetically happy with himself and who he is to just wake up a day after “the worst day of his life”, his words not mine, and choose violence and fraud above all things against his Master’s wishes because he didn’t get his way. Girl boss, Gate keep, and Gaslit amirite? Like what an icon!? I love this and think we should talk about it more cause it’s canon Shifu loves him some fraud and if he doesn’t get his way he will ruin everyone’s day for it. Again, we have to start from the beginning, because again, THIS IS IMPORTANT. “Oogway is choosing the dragon warrior.”, simple enough but the thing is Oogway never says it’s going to be one of the five anywhere in the film. Just “It’s time.” So, it could be anyone, he could point to the west and say “The Dragon warrior is not here but to the west.” and no one could say he lied about anything because it was Shifu hyping the whole town up with posters at the ready for HIS WIN. Not his student, his own. This is all about him. This is all about Shifu. This is Shifu’s show. And I have to highlight this short exchange between Oogway and Shifu before the tournament because it's so telling in their arcs. I know people love the joke, Oogway just dipped on Shifu to deal with his own bs, and tbh I would too cause that’s your family drama, not mine. But he warns Shifu, he feared he would not live to see this day and even implies “Whomever I choose.” again not a single confirmation he would choose one of his students, would bring him peace. And Shifu is left to ponder those words as this elaborate celebration he’d created for this “historic day they’ve been waiting 1,000 years for!” is also for him. Imagine that for a second. You are also a part of this historic day and its results. But Shifu, our beloved idiot does not intake that in immediately, no. He’s ready to show off his five totally awesome lotto tickets, I mean the furious five. That and he’s so focused on his own grandeur, he’s out here sounding like a wrestling narrator, selling the strength and technique of his students rather than who they are outside of that skill. Which shows even he does not understand who the Dragon warrior is meant to be. Again, Oogway only says “I sense the Dragon warrior among us.” That doesn’t mean his students, just anywhere in the area. HE WAS WARNED. And then the Dragon warrior is chosen and Shifu’s immediate response is to try to stop everything even though it’s moving as it should just not in the way he wanted what’s the first thing this man does when his students, specifically Tigress apologizes for failing him?

That’s right baby, FRAUD. Didn’t even hesitate or think about it for longer than 10 seconds. Just straight up creating a toxic situation for fraud and bullying while his Master is alive and well in this world. But as we’ve established Shifu is an angry gatekeeping girl boss. And it only gets worse from here. Shifu not only threatens to kill Po but oh no. Cause that wouldn’t be enough for this Girlboss, okay? No, he’s got to demean and make fun of Po for his body and insinuate how the Dragon warrior is chosen and given the scroll when again, OOGWAY HAS NEVER SAID ANY OF THESE THINGS. And when he realizes Po is aware of the history of the Wuxi finger hold + how it affects the holder, etc, etc and even states “Oogway may have picked you and when I’m through with you. You are going to wish he hadn’t! Are we clear?” which means he’s VERY VERY VERY aware of what he is doing. Shifu willingly committed fraud. And even laughs about his decision, he is so happy with his ingenious idea to underplay what his Master, who sees him as a friend and a loyal student at his side and even supports his efforts for the tournament that wasn’t needed. It was just a flashy appetizer before the main meal. But nonetheless doesn’t tell him to stop because his hard work deserves to be shown off but also Shifu, a 60+ year old man is not only beefing with a 20 year old but also stepping all over Oogway’s decision because he is super upset he’s not the center of attention. He even throws away every shred of honor and dignity within Kung fu to make sure Po feels as unwelcome and inadequate as possible, we’ve all seen the “Level zero” scene but did y’all notice how even the furious five goes to help Po when he falls into the training Hall and Shifu straight up STOPS THEM WITH HIS HAND, and then smiles as Po screams in pain. This man enjoys fraud and revels in it with joy, it brightens his damn day more than the sun itself!!

Shifu willingly breeds and approves of his students also bullying Po because he didn’t get his “I trained the Dragon Warrior” trophy with his five lotto tickets-I mean The furious five… Which translates to the next few scenes that define their latter interactions with Po because students tend to mimic their masters. In good ways or bad ways… Especially to his daughter, Tigress who especially perpetuates Shifu’s ire toward Po even though her goal as clearly shown in the flashback was never the scroll but Shifu’s love as a father. Which the scroll would have never given her cause Shifu’s a selfish twat. Shifu even laughs RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIS DAUGHTER, about the fact his beautiful fraud and bullying got Po to quit and he’s so smitten with himself about it as they walk to the training hall and even says “All we can do is resume our training and trust that in time, the true dragon warrior will be revealed.” He’s just outright ignoring the fact, Oogway will never change his mind about who he chose. This is peak delusion ladies and gentlemen. So, if you ever wonder why Tai Lung so easily brought up fraud in their fight scene together, just know from this moment before they opened that door to the training hall. Shifu was all about that fraud to fix his problems. Until he got into one last argument about peach trees and seeds, and Oogway died, showing he wasted his time being a controlling asshole on the final days of his friend's life. And then remembered: “Oh wait bro fraud is actually wrong, oh god what have I done!?” And then he got physically beaten up by the consequences of his actions via Tai Lung and the mere sweet scent of fraud again, which he says no to. And that’s Shifu’s not so complicated relationship with Fraud. We need more fics where people have Po and the five bringing up the fact he was cool with fraud once upon a time. It’d be funny.

#Kung fu panda #Master Shifu #Po ping #Master Tigress #furious five #Oogway #I promise I won't do another one I just had to get this outta my system #cause its FRAUD #its so funny shifu is just doing a crime and doesn't get shit on for it #outside his son beating his ass #how do other masters not clown him for this???#Taylor talks #long post #text post

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strgirlyy · 8 months ago

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We can't be friends

Chris Sturniolo x Fem!Reader

Warnings: Angst, Fight, Toxic relationship, Illusion, No reconciliation, Chris being a pussy, Cry.

Tell me if I forget something:)

Word count: 3350k

Based on the song we can't be friends by Ariana Grande

A/n: English is not my first language, and that's my first post, my requests box are always open, Good reading!!.

Have you ever wished that someone could just disappear from your life and take the memories with them?

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I am currently sitting in a chair, in a place that refers me to a dentist’s office. But removing all my teeth would certainly hurt less than the pain I’m feeling for what I’m about to do.

Flashback on

You’re unbelievable, I can’t do anything anymore, I can’t go out, I can’t be with my friends, you’re so selfish, you want me just for you and I can’t give you this, I want to be free, I wish you could disappear and take all our memory with you. - Chris shouts furious

I can’t say anything, I’m standing still, like my feet had stuck to the ground. Trying to process what he just told me

Selfish? You said I’m selfish Christopher?. You don’t deserve one percent of the love I gave you, everything I did for you, for us! So that our love would last. But I guess I realized it’s not what you want. You want me to leave ? You want everything we had gone? Okay, your wish is my command. Ask Matt or Nick to get your things in my house. I don’t ever want to see you again. You’re free to live. - I say without shedding a tear, take my bag and leave without looking back.

Flashback off

It hurt, everything he told me that night, no matter how hard I tried to look strong, I couldn’t, we were throwing away a love of five years, many moments lived, much love, much care. But fame went to his head and suddenly everything around him was more important than me. He had no more time for me, in his life there was no more room for a relationship.

It ended with me, so I made the decision I’m about to make. He said he wanted it all to go away, that at least I can accomplish.

I never imagined in mine that someday I would be doing this, I never imagined being possible. But here I am one step away from erasing our entire history.

This establishment promises to make all memory related to a specific person disappear forever, and makes you believe it never happened.

Hello dear, we will start, I must warn you that in the middle of the procedure you may feel dizzy or slips, but it will mean that it is working. Say "red alert" at any time and we will stop immediately. Good luck dear - the professional says with a crooked smile and a hand on my shoulder passing me comfort.

I nod and take a deep breath, feel an icy metal pricing on both sides of my face, and a green light comes on when it touches my skin.

I feel my eyes get heavy and close them. When I close them I get a glimpse of an Arcade, actually I see only a bear machine. I know this place, I’ve seen it before.

Flashback on

Run love, come on, I’ll get you a teddy bear even if lose all my money! - Chris says smiling and running to the bear machine

I laugh and go right after him

Oh no, I guess we’ll have to sell your house to pay the bills then - I laugh and he looks at me smiling

He presses the button and the game starts. Finally he manages to catch a bear, brown with a pink shirt, after one, two... twelve attempts.

Yayyy, I did it, here it is love, let’s call her Ally, Ally will keep you safe whenever you feel lonely or sad and I can’t help! - he says giving me the bear and giving me a kiss

Thank you Chris I love you! - I say look at the bear.

I look up to see him, but all I see is an empty place.

But of course, there was no one with me, I came alone, won the bear alone, with my abilities. I hug the bear I just conquered

Flashback off

I open my eyes and feel tears roll my cheeks and hold my necklace as a sign of comfort, but I remember how it was won

Can I have this at least? - I ask pointing to the necklace

The professional does not answer, just smiles sadly and feel my eyes get heavy again.

This time I’m sitting on the couch at home, watching a movie, I remember that day too

Flashback on

Love. Can we stop the movie just for a minute? - Chris asks sitting on the couch and looking at me.

Sure honey, what happened? - I ask worried

I wanted to give you something, which was actually supposed to be for your birthday. but I can’t stand - He laughs a little and hands me a white velvet box. - Happy early birthday

Oh Chris you didn’t have to give me anything, darling! - I smile and open the box.

It was a gold necklace with a pink heart pendant. It may seem like an exaggeration, but it was the most beautiful necklace I’ve ever seen in my life.

My God Chris, it’s beautiful! you’re special, I love you forever - I smile and look at the necklace.

But it was no longer a necklace, it was a pink collar, I look forward and Elsie, my dog is sitting on the couch, I put the collar I just bought her and hug her again watching the rest of the movie.

I look at the TV and I see Chris and I making snow angels. It looks weird, but suddenly I’m there.

Lying on the ground, in the snow, both laughing a lot, making our snow angels, happy, as we used to be.

I take my eyes off him for a minute to look at the cloudy sky above us, but when I return he is no longer there. It’s just me, as always, enjoying everything, with my own company.

Flashback off

85% of the process already done- I hear a voice half a distance

But this time I can’t open my eyes, I feel a little dizzy, and suddenly I’m sitting at my kitchen table with a cake full of candles. My birthday last year.

Flashback on

My birthday, a delicious cake, lit candles waiting to be extinguished.

Make a wish, love - Chris says calmly

I close my eyes wishing that moments like this never end. I open them again and as it is every year, on that same date, in this same way, I celebrate my birthday alone, surrounded by peace and a little solitude. I blow out the candles and prepare to eat a cake again by myself.

Flashback off

We ended up dear. You’re free to go, you’re free to live your new life. - the professional says leaving the room.

I feel strange but happy at the same time, I remember how I got here, I remember what I’m doing here, but I don’t remember why. I feel renewed, I feel that I can be happy again, that I can be myself, as if I had found myself again.

All worry is gone.

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Hope y'all enjoy it, tell me if you want to be in my next post taglist ⭐⭐

#chris sturniolo x reader #christopher sturniolo #chris sturniolo #nick sturniolo #matt sturniolo #sturniolo triplets #ariana grande #we cant be friends #Spotify

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