#i am not fucking dysphoric about not being on t just to be told i have male privilege actually

[altermay]

Tw/ transphobia, discussions of dysphoria, brief mention of suicide, descriptions of child abuse

Getting unbearable. Feeling sick. Started working to afford hormones only to find out the service that is most accessible to me (plume) doesnt offer T in alabama anymore due to changing laws. Fuck all these stupid politicians putting their noses in others lives.

Thought people at work wouldnt make a super huge deal, as I was selective with who I told, so i thought maybe I could hold out a bit longer and at least i wouldnt have to feel so dysphoric all the time, since all my coworkers knew me as Monte. But then instead of my name, people who would usually call anyone else by their name started calling me “Miss” and “maam”

Even the ones I had come out to, and even the ones who told me they were accepting.

Whatever, im from a small rural area, so transphobia is not new to me, what is new to me, however, is being openly trans in an unfamilliar environment. I thought I could start T quickly and maybe people would ever forget that im trans in the first place, but now its been so long.

Some people call me He, and use the right pronouns, but increasingly lately Ive received a myriad of transphobia.

Being called tranny loudly while my coworker kicks my broom as I try to sweep (kicking hard enough for the broom to almost leave my hands and hit another person behind me) , Getting called “it” behind my back. Stuff like this is becoming more common.

The two coworkers who called me it, have been spreading lies about my work performance these past five days, Ive been told my three different people that every time I leave to go do something they start talking badly of me. So I got to my breaking point, at this point it had nothing to do with the pronouns, I was just upset that two forty+ year old adults were purposefully making my job harder to do while I was also struggling with a ton of other stuff (ptsd, seasonal depression, a family members recent suicide) and so I couldnt stop crying.

Despite this situation having nothing to do with me being trans, they are now trying to spread the narrative that Im just being sensitive because they were misgendering me while they were borderline bullying me.

If I was not trans, people would take me seriously on these issues. But now, because I am upset, suddenly Im just a stereotype. A sensitive trans person who is offended because someone used the wrong pronouns a few times.

I will be one to say, I do not give a SHIT about my pronouns. Ive been called the wrong ones my whole life by a majority of people. That was never the issue. But because Im trans, that is the only issue people can perceive for me to have. The ONE issue I had with them regarding my pronouns was them calling me “it” and thats not because its the wrong pronoun, thats because its DEHUMANIZING.

But now I have other coworkers who know NOTHING about the situation saying shit like “well if she claims shes a man maybe she should suck it up” “well if she wants to be seen as a man maybe she shpuld cut her hair”

Fuck you. How about YOU get beaten for 17 years, YOU watch your siblings get beaten near to death for 17 years. YOU have flashbacks of things you dont understand all day every day and we will see how fucking well youre able to “suck it up” you are WEAK. YOU ARE ALL WEAK. And you dont know what its like to be me. My mother tried to kill me. My mother almost killed my sister, I was neglected, never went to a doctor, and I STILL dont know how to take care of myself. And I still havent recovered all of the memories.

Ive had SHORT HAIR ive had LONG HAIR Ive had a MOHAWK, ive had a BUZZCUT ive been BALD. And people STILL fucking saw me as a woman. Im tired of conforming to this bullshit just so people can treat me the same as they always do

Fun fact though, since Ive had long hair Ive been gendered correctly by strangers MORE than I have with ANY OTHER HAIR STYLE.

These stupid fucking transphobes and their stupid fucking stereotypes im so fucking sick of it all. And corporate wont do anything about it, Im sure of this.

Why is it so hard for me to just live my fucking life.

Im so sick of it all

[ftmcutiepie]

when you say you kind of get gender euphoria from this, is that to say like the /mis/gendering actively implies its incorrect? or that its like being a feminine masculine person? i guess this is asking whether girl is a modifier or a noun for you

Pretty much yes.

I've seen it phrased this way before and it always resonated with me, so yeah, kinda the whole point of my misgendering kink is that it's /mis/gendering, and in that way it's kinda paradoxically validating if that makes sense.

I'm not 100% sure what you mean with the second question, but I'll just dump my thoughts on it / gender roles/expression I guess under the cut lol.

Sooo I think one of the main reasons why I have this kink is that I've always been more traditionally "feminine" than stereotypically "masculine", and that caused some insecurity/internalized transphobia for me.

Like, I felt like I didn't have the "right" to call myself a real man, that I must be non-binary because a real man wouldn't xyz.

I never like actually believed that anyone (else) needed to be a certain way to be a "real man", I know that's bullshit, I just struggled with that stuff relating to MYSELF, if that makes sense.

Over time, I overcame those "self-doubts" and realized I'm literally just a binary trans guy and only really comfortable with he/him pronouns - maybe he/they if another trans person uses those pronouns for me, but my mother tongue doesn't really have gender-neutral pronouns so it's not really relevant IRL.

BUT I'm still insecure about OTHER PEOPLE not seeing/accepting me as a "real man" because I'm trans and not stereotypically masculine.

So for me this kink is a way to

a) kinda explore my "femininity" in a sexy way to make in fun and kinda "reclaim" it in a way

b) deal with those anxieties, being called a fake boy and a girl, literally being told I'm not/will never be a "real man" in a safe environment where it's all fun and pretend and like I said, because I ask to be misgendered and people respond by calling me a girl, that means I'm actually a boy, yk?

But yeah like I do have traditionally "feminine" traits and I do enjoy wearing feminine clothes not just in a sexual way, that's why I like the term femboy (feminine boy) for myself.

Sorry maybe I am stupid but I'm not sure what you mean with the third question either😅

Like, a noun can be a modifier?😅

I guess in the term ftm girl "ftm" modifies "girl". I'm a girl that's ftm. Paradoxical, isn't it? That's why I'm not a (cis) girl.

I'm like those shitposts(?) that are like "I'm like if a boy was a girl". But not in a non-binary way. More in a gendernonconforming way. Like a femboy.

I do feel like trans men can - and I do - have a specific "relationship" to femininity that most other people, specifically cis ones don't have.

Like, I'm a guy, I came out because there was no way I could be happy living as a girl/woman. But, at least for me, "girlhood"/"womanhood" wasn't always some dysphoric nightmare, I did enjoy parts of it. That doesn't make me a woman, but at the same time, I shouldn't have to give up "femininity" just because I'm a guy. Still, many people do believe that there are right and wrong ways to be a certain gender, and trans people already are on thin fucking ice just for being trans. God forbid they don't adhere to gender roles and cissexist standards to a T😂

I guess, this is just me having fun with my gender (expression). Sometimes a boy can "be a girl" (= enjoying femininity I guess) without that having any impact on his actual gender identity (= actually being a girl).

[freyito]

putting this out there as well, please never be afraid to request ftm. i am a trans man and i will admit i love writing amab because gender envy! but also lowkey, even if i have to get forced to write it, writing for ftm readers makes me. accept myself more??? if that makes sense??? like i hate my body and bro i wanna be born a cis man so bad but also... simply writing "hey reader is dysphoric. boys love them regardless" helps a lot. obvi i have a lot of fic/headkanons/drabbles/anything in my queue that im gonna write for. but it's also comforting knowing people aren't afraid to request it either. so please please please never be afraid to request that, im actually having so much fun with the prompts. lowkey each one i write feels so affirming and also gives me better gender envy if that makes sense final word 2 those who follow my blog that are ftm (or masculine presenting, leaning, whatever!), i really mean it when i say i believe there is no definition of masculinity. please know it is okay to feel dysphoric, and it is okay to present however you'd like regardless. fuck man, sometimes i miss dressin up in skirts & dresses. i am pretty AND handsome and no one should feel like they have to be put in one or the other. everyone feels differently. being comfortable in your body takes so much time. i'm pre-t, and probably will be for a couple years. i feel feminine as fuck, my voice feels so high pitched, my body feels so feminine (unfortunately blessed with a nice rack), my hair is considered long and a feminine length, yet. my friends have told me constantly for about 2 years that i am their BOY i am the GAY GUY of the group. and that maybe some slipped up in the beginning (like 2 months into me actually talking to them) but they will always see me as a guy regardless. and it rubbed off on me! maybe it's my flat affect, but i feel like my voice sounds much more androgynous, i dress masculine, i feel seen as masculine. of course, i have times where i feel the complete opposite and i don't feel like myself at all. but they are there for me. don't feel discouraged because you're pre-anything. or if you struggle with dysphoria more. you are a man, and as long as atleast you know who you are, then it shouldn't matter. you know, it's funny! my mother came from chicago, she was the black sheep of the family. and my dad came from the ass crack of oklahoma. guess who's going to be the best man for my dad's wedding? me! and guess who doesn't have a mom anymore lol. not trauma dumping, but a little experience i wanted to share. i was so taken aback when my dad just accepted me as is. and i want everyone to know that there are people out there like that, family, friends, strangers, partners, etc.

[polyamorouspunk]

Hey! To follow up on my last ask (advice): so I’m non-binary, and in the past I’ve IDed as a trans man (on T for 3 years, then stopped). I don’t at all regret my HRT, but my presentation has also shifted from pretty masc to being pretty femme. I know that I’m not actually a “trans imposter” or “transtrender” but there’s this part of my brain that keeps telling me I am (b/c I stopped HRT, present femme now, and have a Weird Gender). I guess what I’m asking is, do you know of any ways to help combat these thoughts? They’re honestly really distressing to have so any advice you could offer would be amazing. I hope you’re having a great day! :)

I don’t know if I have any real concrete tips but like for just trying to change mentality the idea of like “there’s nothing more punk than fucking with people’s perceptions and fucking with gender stereotypes” but like yeah. Honestly I look femme dress femme use she/her pronouns and go about my day as someone who just seems to be a cis wlw unless I have those days where I’m like nope it’s time to be trans today (but not really because I’m still comfortable with my agab) so like it’s 100% A Thing™️ for sure, I never really “felt trans” and quite honestly I don’t know if I ever really “feel trans” except let me tell you today I had to do the 1 thing that makes me dysphoric and let me tell you (again) that I could be having the most femme day ever and as SOON as I have to do that I’m like *blarg* I hate myself I hate my body chop my boobs off we’re running away to live a genderless and secondary sex characteristicless life. Other like really generic not-concrete advice is also just like “labels don’t matter lol you don’t have to ID as trans or if you want to just go for it even if you don’t fit the stereotypical trans image wow you’ve never heard this before I know it’s is revolutionary and you’re never going to have a gender crisis again tada” but like yeah. And like hey maybe some people are into really femme trans guys. Honestly I have one mutual on here who is a trans guy and he literally loves wearing skirts and bows and pink and being super femme and like honestly he is living his best life and I love it for him. I’m also mutuals with a drag queen on here which is like hell yeah live your best girl life you funky little genderfluid dude. I don’t think that part of your brain is just going to rewire itself to not have those insecurities unless you put real effort into it. We all have a little voice in our head and it has to tell us SOMETHING and if yours is telling you that you aren’t trans enough then that’s just what it picked and guess what if tomorrow you wake up and suddenly you feel trans enough it’s just going to pick something else to tell you. You just can’t let it get to you, and I’m saying that as someone who hates being told that because they let EVERYTHING get to them.

[hospitalterrorizer]

diary213

4/15-16/2024

monday - tuesday

my shift got put later, tomorrow, and it's still only 3 hours.

so i guess that's good. the people who manage schedules at work honestly seem so lost and it is so fucking annoying, one of my days off is just gone now, replaced with another meaningless shift to waste more of my meaningless life.

my gf did make today a lot better, she got me a cake, she got me chicken katsu curry, it was all good, then she sort of upset me bringing something up i don't like her talking about, something that happened at work that is funny but makes me basically dysphoric and i don't like hearing it talked about at minimum but it's not like she is really thinking she just wants to tell her brother a funny story it's like okay but i just felt bothered by it. i don't want to reproduce it here but i guess the gist is that a kid kept saying i look like timothy chalamet and whatever. it makes me feel not good thinking about it but what am i supposed to do. i guess a lot of people might agree. my gf's brother did, which made it worse. now she feels guilty, i don't know what to do about that. i just feel bad, it doesn't matter though, i told her it doesn't matter and it's fine and she shouldn't care how i feel. she just wanted to tell her brother something funny.

today at work, since it is a birthday place, a bunch of kids came in, and stuff, and it was their birthdays and i felt how totally and viscerally meaningless mine has been made surrounded by them, this is stupid and dramatic i guess and it's not even my birthday anymore so i can't even justify crying about it but i just felt so unhappy about the fact that i am like being used up like some kind of coal or whatever to fuel like, this very shallow joy offered to children, sit and spin on a ride, sit in cars and bump into eachother, gamble to win plastic shit that will be the only token that enables any memory of this place at all, there will be no stories, there will be nothing, a perfectly carried out rubric of events in an order you choose maybe but really are guided by architecture, a super-nothing, there is no memory possible of the place beyond some kind of vague location-based nostalgia for interiors and cheap design. do any of us remember distinct things that happen in chuck-e-cheese, or anything similar? i think only bad things and the rare few good things have more to do with people and proximity making it not be the place it is meant to be. all memory of places like this necessitates rupture. i am put to work to prevent rupture.

anyway i know i'm being like a baby or whatever. i shouldn't care. i shouldn't care, it's stupid to be so upset, it's so stupid though, i feel like extra upset because of it not even being my birthday anymore so it's like i can't even be really upset on my own birthday when anyone would be like okay with it. like i just have to get on with it, my time is on a conveyor belt i have no control i am deposited back into my life right as the day is ending, i get home late, i enjoy like an hour and a half of 'birthday' and then nothing. same same same same same same same after that and my gf will be nice to me but she can only take so much of me being annoying.

and i just feel hideous .

but not too much longer, not too much longer it'll be through, this job. i hope.

i just keep thinking about how i don't ever really know what i want. i at least tried to do things i know i wanted to do today, i had figured things i want to do outside that aren't just vague nothings, i always need other people to direct me. i wanted to go to a thrift store, i wanted to go to a restaurant, i wanted to go home. the one day i at least imagined was just impossible, it's just super impossible and pointless to want to do things, from where i am at least. i am just so used to having others decide for me, i just let my job decide what my time actually means. #lol.

but this is all stupid and so embarrassing, i really shouldn't even be able to think like this, but i am. isn't that horrible. it probably means i have some kind of personality disorder and should be executed or something.

unexpectedly, music is going okay i think, though. that is very nice i think. i figured out part of what is wrong with this one song is just the imbalance in the channels, i need to double the guitars, and then have the synths kinda sit over top, maybe put them back in the middle, that might be cool. it definitely makes the guitars sound a lot better to be doubled and panned like they are now.

am i just some kind of resentful little worm? i don't want to be. i want to be kind, and i want to be without ressentiment. i want to be better than this, but i just fall into this kind of thing, it's like giving up but worse, it feels so venomous and hostile, like it's just me turning into a cancer along my self, a terminal negativism.

i will probably have to make peace with working this song out better tomorrow but it's definitely a lot closer to what i want, i think, or hope. but i'm sure i can learn to be disappointed tomorrow and stuff all over again and over again and over again.

but i think it is close, honest, or this is at least the way to do things, and maybe some stuff needs to change in the song otherwise, like maybe make the low end of the kicks less loud or round? that seems like a good idea, other stuff along that path, maybe just by a tiny bit cutting more lows from the guitars? probably also a good idea. i think these are things to move forward w/ for this song, maybe also look into the unity gain thing i have going on and see what i can do to make that a little less punishing feeling.

anyway, i need to sleep,

and i do always feel less crazy after sleeping and tomorrow's a short shift, so

byebye!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[adepressedartist]

I literally just want to die right now i got my period which very much explains the terrible pain i was in (in addition to my flu) the last couple of days, why i had a skin breakout and why the fuck i was snacking that much. Like i literally just ate half a kilo of sweets in 20minutes. I ofc immediately contacted my endocrinologist about this and she just fucking told me that hrt does not necessarily prevent you from getting your period, as stated in the waver i got 2 yrs ago.

Honestly fuck getting my testosterone shots only every three months, I'd rather go back to getting it weekly because i cannot fucking bear this i am in so much pain i have been crying the whole time, my dysphoria is over the fucking top and i literally just fucking can't. Most people in this system are used to being in a trans body. I'm fucking not. I was used to living in a body without a dick and having to wear a binder to conceal the chest. But not with fucking getting a period. I am literally so done right now. And not only i am dysphoric as fuck, but the body is as well. I honestly don't know what to do right now. Omg. I can't even go to my doctor's office to get my next t-shot early on because my doctor's office is fucking closed.

[lycandrophile]

every day i think about how my old psychiatrist (who was notoriously horrible on many levels, to be clear) tried to convince me to stay on the antidepressants i was coming off of when i told her i was starting testosterone because she was convinced that i’d be incapable of handling the “intense mood swings” that she said it would cause if i was unmedicated

mind you, i was coming off of these meds because they were doing absolutely fucking nothing for me and she had fought me on stopping them every step of the way — in her mind, me starting t was the perfect chance to make one final (transphobic) push against my desire to stop putting completely pointless drugs in my body

she consistently referred to hrt as me “going on steroids” and told me with every ounce of condescending concern she could muster that she had never had a patient start t without being on antidepressants (as if i was supposed to see that fact as anything other than further proof that her main goal as a psychiatrist was just to make as much money as possible by pushing meds on people)

i tried to explain to her that countless trans people i’d talked to had said that being on t made them feel more emotionally stable, not less, and that i had already chosen a method of hrt that would minimize hormonal fluctuations as much as possible, but she wouldn’t believe me — there’s no question in my mind that she just saw me as a ~naive little girl who didn’t understand how testosterone could make my life hell~

and of course, my mom jumped on that idea and started telling me about how it’s not that she doesn’t like that i’m trans, it’s just that she’s ~so worried~ about what the ~big bad testosterone~ might to to my ~poor fragile mental health~

and when i started t, i was terrified that they would be proven right

now i’m 5 months on t (and a few months post-ending that doctor-patient relationship as well) and what do you know? my mood is better than ever! my therapist (who has known me far longer and actually cares about my well-being) says she’s never seen me this happy, and that she feels like i’m actually living for the first time! it’s been incredible!

in fact, i’ve come to the realization that i most likely had premenstrual dysphoric disorder before t, and that it was contributing to a huge percentage of my mental breakdowns and suicidal thoughts, so it seems there were hormones causing mood swings that i couldn’t handle without proper treatment after all, but testosterone isn’t the cause of those issues — turns out it’s the treatment i desperately needed to manage them!

and after some research and hearing from other people, i’ve learned that it wasn’t all anecdotal after all, because some studies have actually found evidence to support the idea that testosterone has antidepressant effects — i told my therapist that testosterone felt the way the antidepressants i had been on were supposed to feel, but i had no clue there was science to back that up

so now i’m just left being endlessly furious with the way testosterone is demonized as some horrible poisonous drug that will destroy your mental health along with everything else in your life, because being on it has improved my quality of life exponentially and that alone makes being on it SO worthwhile, but no one ever gets to see that side of being on t because they’re so busy drumming up fear about how it’ll wreck your moods instead

of course, that’s not to say some people don’t experience serious mood swings on t, because i would never deny someone else’s experience with their own body and mind, and i think it’s important that people know those effects are possible when they start t

what i AM saying is that i would guess that if you looked at pure numbers, more people have probably had a really positive experience like mine than a seriously negative one, and it’s very telling that the negative ones are portrayed as a universal part of being on t despite seemingly being a smaller percentage when you actually talk to lots of trans people, while the positive ones are portrayed as a fluke at best and impossible or even deceptive at worst despite being a really common theme in trans people’s accounts of being on t

testosterone is medicine. testosterone is healing.

it doesn’t solve all our problems — i’m certainly far from cured of all my mental health issues — but it sure as hell lightens the load, and i’m sick and tired of people acting like it’s a horrible thing and not the fucking miracle worker that it is for some of us

[minty-ghast]

Wilbur x FTM Reader

Not requested

Warnings: transphobia, one swear word, mention of the T-slur and death threats

Note: been feeling dysphoric lately:(

You walked to his studio and knocked before entering "you called?" You asked "chat was asking for you" he patted on the seat next to him while smiling softly. You sat next to him and greeted chat, reading some donations and answering some questions.

One donation caught your attention, it said "are you trans? Your voice is slightly feminine and cracks alot", you shifted in your seat and cleared your throat. "Yes, I am in fact trans. I just started taking testosterone shots".

One donation caught your attention, it said "are you trans? Your voice is slightly feminine and cracks alot", you shifted in your seat and cleared your throat. "Yes, I am in fact trans. I just started taking testosterone shots".

A few days had gone by and some of his 'fan' have been attacking you for not only taking Wilbur 'away' from them but for also being trans, They've been calling you the T-slur and have been sending death threats.

You haven't told wilbur about it, not wanting to burden him and give him more problems to think about. But wilbur noticed that you've been restless and just stayed in your shared room all day and have been missing a few meals.

"I know something's wrong, you know you can always talk to me right?" Wilbur sat next to you, avoiding his gaze tears began to form in your eyes. You showed him the messages you've been getting "I'm sorry i haven't told you.." wilbur looked at you worriedly "hey, its alright. It's better you told me now then never" he held you close, rubbing your back in hopes to calm you down.

You sat next to wilbur holding his hand tightly while looking at the viewer count rise. you were nervous, plenty of thoughts running thru your mind "its gonna be alright love" wilbur kissed your hand and rubbed your nuckles gently.

"Hello everyone, today I'll be addressing some stuff. My boyfriend has been getting threats and nasty comments about him being trans and those people are also the people to have me as they're pfp and claim to be my 'fans', No fans of mine would go and harrass my boyfriend for being trans and for all the people who say that he's not a real man well then why dont you just go fuck yourselves because to me he's manlier than any of you cowards".

And with that Wilbur ended the stream, he was furious and you can tell "thank you wil" he sighed and looked at you with soft eyes "I love you darling" you smiled softly and placed your hand at his cheek "I love you too"

[genderqueerpositivity]

CW: discussion of dysphoria, menstruation, gentials, and changes from HRT.

On the 13th, I'll be 3 months on low-dose T. An appropriate celebration for Pride month! And I am so fucking happy that I'm doing this.

So far I've only told two people in my life that I'm medically transitioning. But it is beginning to be noticable, especially the voice change. For weeks I've sounded as though I have a cold or sore throat, and I even lost my voice completely once. And I actually do have allergies, so I think that has played a part, but my voice is definitely different now.

I was very nervous at the beginning about the voice change. I hoped that it would be slow and mostly unnoticeable. It hasn't been. It started within days and now after months others are beginning to notice it. I worried that I wouldn't like this particular change and I worried because voice changes are generally not reversible by stopping HRT.

I sing, badly, while driving. Feeling my voice change over the past few months has been a wild and incredible experience. I quickly lost the higher notes that I once was able to reach, and have slowly gained a new range of lower and deeper sound that I didn't have before. I can hear the difference in my own voice now, and I can feel the difference in my throat and chest.

Last week, I had a moment where I realized that I like my voice now--my regular speaking voice and my singing voice--for probably the first time in my life. I've never liked my own voice before, have avoided or been anxious about public speaking because of it, and have always gone out of my way to avoid hearing my recorded voice; I recognize this now as the dysphoria that it was.

So last week I had this moment of recognition: this is MY voice that I'm growing into. My voice that I'm hearing, and everyone else is beginning to hear, for the first time. And so the change that I was most afraid of is the one that I'm now the most proud of.

Will I reach a point where I don't want it to go any lower or deeper? I don't know.

The other change that I was truly concerned about was facial hair. I do have new facial hair, 3 months on, but it isn't very noticable. I already had some facial hair pre-T, and what I already had has grown darker. Also, facial hair is removable when I don't want it so it isn't really that big of a deal. I also have a lot of new body hair and I actually like it. My upper arms, thighs, butt, chest, and stomach all have new hair now. I don't know if my back does or not, I just realized that I haven't checked.

The only thing I don't care for is the ingrown hairs, and I'm suddenly getting them all over the place even though I never had them pre-T. The oily skin is also still a daily part of life, I don't know if this will improve or not over time, but I've mostly adjusted to it. My skin doesn't look different, in my opinion, but it does feel different to me in a way that's hard to explain. Not drier or rougher, just different. I do sweat more now, but it's manageable. I haven't noticed any change in the way I smell, even though I've read that a lot of folks on T experience that.

Another change I've experienced is bottom growth. Bottom growth is fucking awesome, I love it. I think it's my favorite change at this point by far. It was one of the first effects of T that I noticed and I hope that it continues. It's awesome to feel positively about that area of my body for probably the first time in my life.

I don't think my dose is high enough (yet??) to stop my periods. I wish that it were. I've had one period so far while on T and it was my usual typical miserable experience. I should have started my next period by now but I'm a week late. And that wasn't unusual pre-T, so I'm not concerned about it. I've read that some guys have fewer periods on T, and with longer times between them, even if their periods don't stop entirely. And I'm looking forward to that hopefully happening.

What else? In general, I feel much better about my body. I feel less dysphoric overall. I feel less upset about having to wait for top surgery, because I'm already taking this step. I still don't "pass" as anything other than an AFAB person, but I'm doing okay with that.

Being misgendered and deadnamed still sucks, but someone else saying something about me doesn't make it true. I'll never be a she or a her or a miss. Like I guess this is what gaining confidence looks like?

Hormone therapy isn't a requirement for being trans for everyone, but it is necessary for me. And also validating--my transness is real and indisputable.

[ftmbitch]

okok ok ur writing is really hot, uhhh so if ur up for posting more my prompt is: being slowly forced to detransition by my trans roommate during lockdown

i love me some t4t forced detrans so you’ve asked the right guy haha 

warnings: forced detransition, dubcon 

1.4k words (sorry, my hand slipped) 

you met your roommate through some friends. a lot of them are gay, or trans. you didn’t actually know your roommate was trans at first, he passed so well. actually, you thought he was the one cishet in the group, since you knew he was only into girls, and you figured he was cis. eventually, you were looking for a place, he was looking for a place, and you ended up living together. separate bedrooms, but only one bathroom. you didn’t find out he was trans until you went into the bathroom after he had unpacked his toiletries and you saw his testosterone stuff on the shelf. you hadn’t started hormones yet, but you still recognized that stuff from your other trans friends. you asked him about it, and he was kind of surprised. “oh. yeah, i thought you knew i was trans. i mean, i came out like eight years ago, so i guess i just don’t think about it much anymore.” you were a little surprised, but it didn’t really change anything. it did make you a little more dysphoric, though. you had other trans friends close in their transition to you, and some who’d been out for years, but living in close proximity with a guy who passed so well, and had hormones and top surgery like you dreamed of, it just made you feel a little sad. you were happy for him, but you were jealous. you knew he was just living his life, and that one day you’d be just like him. 

or, so you thought. 

within your first few months of living together, you felt a little put down by him. he’d make these passing comments about your voice, your soft, hairless face, the fact that you didn’t have to shower as much as him because girls- i mean, you know, dudes who aren’t on t, don’t sweat as much. in quarantine, you couldn’t get away from it. you couldn’t go see your other pre-t friends. you just had to stay here, with him. his comments made you a little uncomfortable, but not enough to say anything. he wasn’t trying to be mean, he was just at such a different point than you were and wasn’t quite as sensitive to the pre-t struggle as he once was. that’s all, right? that’s all, you told yourself. 

one day, you walk into the kitchen to grab a snack without your binder on while he’s in there cooking. when you turn around from the cabinet, you catch him staring, mouth slightly open, at your chest. 

“sorry! sorry. i just...sorry. i didn’t mean to.” you brush it off. you sit down to watch tv, and you figure he’ll just keep cooking. then, he comes and sits next to you. “hey,” he says. “i really am sorry.” he’s sitting awfully close. “it’s just...” he takes your snack and moves it to the table. you cower back a little bit, and he gets closer. “it’s hard, you know? being in quarantine. i haven’t fucked a girl in so long. i mean, i know you’re not a girl! and i’m not trying to fuck you, it’s just...” your face drops. he licks his lips, and reaches out, and gropes you. 

“what the fuck?” you shout, pushing him back, and getting up. you walk out, but as you’re walking away, you catch a glimpse of him. he’s staring. 

you avoid him as best you can for the next two days. then, he comes into your room while you’re masturbating. “dude, get out!” 

“i just wanted to talk about...um...wow. you shave down there?” you swallow hard. for some reason, you don’t cover up. “that would make me so dysphoric. why do you do that? don’t you want to look as masculine as you can?” you don’t say anything. “i mean, listen. i know you’re not on t, and i get that, it’s a pain in the ass to get referrals and shit, especially with all the regulations right now. i just- i don’t know. it’s hard for me to respect trans guys like you. i mean, you shave your pussy, you don’t ever wear your binder in the house, and don’t think i haven’t seen your skirts in your hamper. like, why even transition if you’re gonna do girly shit?” you have nothing to say. you want to argue. everything inside you is telling you to argue, to tell him to leave, to cry, to call someone for comfort. but you don’t. 

“you grabbed me the other day,” you say. he doesn’t say anything. “i thought you were straight.” 

“i am straight. and i think you’re really hot, okay? i know i’m supposed to see you as a dude, and i try, but when you’re all...you know, like this...i mean, your tits are so nice! i kinda like it when you don’t wear your binder. it makes me horny. but, it makes it hard to see you as a dude. like, either wear your binder or i’m gonna wanna fuck you.” 

you talk a little more, and he leaves. that sticks with you. either wear your binder, or he’s gonna wanna fuck you. you’re gay. gay, right, when a trans guy likes guys. you’ve been stuck in the apartment for the past two months with this guy, and stuck in your old place for months before that. maybe some sex would do you good. but you have to pretend to be a girl? 

you don’t wear your binder after your talk with your roommate. in fact, you come out wearing a thin t-shirt in place of your normal “dysphoria hoodie” and one of those skirts he mentioned, that you only have because sometimes you need to think about gender, and visuals help. no underwear. your roommate sees you sitting on the couch, and he sits next to you. you don’t move. 

“hey. you look pretty like that.” you don’t say anything, but it feels so good to be called pretty again. all your friends call you handsome. you like that because it makes you feel masculine, but it feels fake. it feels like they’re forcing it out. this...this felt real. he really, truly thinks you’re pretty. 

he kisses you. he gropes you. he puts his hand under your skirt. you let him. you like it. 

“what’s your real name?” he whispers in your ear. 

“please,” you whisper. “please, you can touch me, but please don’t call me by my deadname. i hate it so much, i-” 

“what’s your real name?” he demands. you’re so wet. you tell him. he repeats it. he says it a few times. “yeah,” he says. “yeah, that’s what i’m calling you from now on. that’s who lives here now, okay? she’s my new roommate. and she’s so pretty...” 

things escalate. you end up in his bedroom. after you have sex, you want to call your friends and tell them what just happened. tell them you had sex with your roommate, and he was deadnaming you the whole time, and he was misgendering you. but you don’t call them. 

he keeps doing it. you never hear your boy name out of his mouth again after that. you get used to it. you like it. he makes you feel pretty, and wanted, and he’s so different from you that you feel silly for ever trying to be like him. you know if you were around your other pre-t friends you might feel differently. but you’re not. you can’t be. you’re stuck here, with him, with this masculine, bearded, flat chested, huge t-dicked man, who calls you pretty. 

this goes on for weeks. weeks turn into months. soon enough, he’s helped you buy a whole new wardrobe to wear around the house. in the house turns into online. he has you change all of your social media to your real name, and all your pronouns to she/her. he takes your phone after that, so you don’t have to talk to any concerned relatives or friends who might try to talk some “sense” into you. he likes you when you’re a girl. you fucks you when you’re a girl, and you’ve needed that since quarantine. if being a girl can make somebody make you this happy, then it must be right. 

[thatsamericano]

I Just Want You To Know Who I Am

Pairing/Characters: America/Romano. Brief appearances from Spain, Belgium, and Veneziano. Background mention of Gerita.

Rating: Teen

Warnings: Mentions of transphobia, misgendering, and gender dysphoria. Some internalized acephobia. The fic is overall very fluffy in tone, and none of the characters are shown dealing with someone who doesn’t accept their sexuality or gender identity.

Summary: Romano didn’t always have the words to tell people who he was, but now that he does, he wants America to know he’s transgender. He’s scared, but he isn’t going to let that stop him anymore.

Word Count: 3065

Savino was glad he had words to succinctly describe who he was now. A long time ago, there hadn’t been words to describe the innate sense of wrongness he felt in his own body, his aversion to the name his grandfather had given him that went beyond his personal issues with the man, or the inexplicable way he’d felt like crying every time someone complimented him by telling him what a pretty little girl he was.

Centuries ago, when he was small, confused, and terrified, he tried to explain it for the first time. Spain was his guardian, and the only person he could turn to. Savino had told Antonio that he didn’t want to wear dresses like Belgium did. He wanted to wear trousers like Spain and have his hair cut like Spain’s too.

“But why?” Spain had asked, brow creased in confusion. “You look so preciosa in the clothes you have now.”

Romano had looked away, ashamed. “I… I don’t want to be preciosa, Spain. I want to be precioso.”

Spain blinked, stunned by what Romano had said. He’d probably never heard of such a thing, but to his credit, he had reacted as well as could be expected. He smiled at Romano and ruffled his hair. “I’ll make you some trousers and a shirt then, mijo.”

“Grazie, Tonio.” There was something that felt so right about Spain calling him mijo, acknowledging him as a son instead of a daughter. He puffed up his chest with a pride he’d never felt before.

“Of course. Should I call you another name too?”

“Just call me Romano for now.” He wasn’t sure of the human name he wanted yet.

Spain had helped so much after Romano told him the truth as he understood it back then. He cut Romano’s hair, dressed him as a boy, and agreed to use the human name Romano eventually decided upon. Spanish and Italian were both gendered languages, and Spain was very good about referring to him with the right endearments and adjectives. He complimented his little henchman just as much as he had before, but he never called him preciosa again.

When Belgium saw him in trousers for the first time, she had naturally been confused. Antonio had rubbed the back of his neck and sheepishly explained how he had been mistaken. Romano had always been a boy, but he hadn’t known. And since he was a boy, he ought to wear boy clothes and have his hair cut like one.

Belgium had bent down closer to his height and told Savino what a handsome boy he was. And that had made him feel so wonderful, to have someone else see him as a boy, especially a beautiful woman like Belgium. Romano had been able to explain everything to her later once he was an adult and had better language to describe who he was. Belgium nodded along with a soft little smile and said she hadn’t known that at the time, but figured it might have been something like that later, when she had been able to reflect on what happened with a better, more modern understanding of transgender people. She agreed to keep it secret for Savino, since it wasn’t something he wanted spread around.

He’d told Veneziano too. By then, he was presenting as a boy and most people believed he was one because they didn’t know he’d ever been considered a girl. Veneziano knew about his past, but it didn’t seem to make a difference to him. “Famiglia is famiglia,” he’d said. “And a fratello’s just as good as a sorella.” After asking for his new human name, Feliciano had hugged him and told him he didn’t need to know anything else unless Savino wanted to share it with him. From that day on, Feli had been just like Tonio. He never spoke to him as if he wasn’t a man, even if the idea of someone like Savino being a man wasn’t well understood at the time.

There were others he’d told over the years, mostly his prospective lovers. Savino couldn’t risk someone being disgusted by the sight of his naked body, so he’d always told them in advance, long before he got involved with them physically. But each time he was taking a huge risk, not just of rejection but of violence. Humans were not kind to men like him, and nations wouldn’t necessarily be either. There were many people he wanted but never pursued for that very reason, and America was one of them.

Alfred seemed kind, and he was a loud and vocal supporter of LGBT rights. He saw himself as a hero, and he truly wanted to make the world a better place for everyone. Once, Alfred had put his arm around Savino’s shoulders and promised that Romano could count on him if he was ever in a fix. Romano had pretended to be annoyed, mostly because he liked America’s arm around his shoulders a little too much.  He liked Alfred a little too much, and he had for decades, ever since he had lived in his house so long ago and grown to feel like Alfred’s place was a home as much as he anywhere that wasn’t South Italy could be. But he couldn’t bring himself to admit he loved him, not now, not when he hadn’t revealed something so important about who he was. It was one thing to be rejected by someone you had a silly crush on that didn’t mean anything, but it was another thing to be rejected by someone you loved. Savino didn’t know if he could survive the latter.

Romano was in such a better place than he’d been when he told Spain that first time, so long ago. He knew who he was and he had words for it that would make sense to other people who had never felt as he did. He’d been living as a man for centuries, and no one had questioned that in a long time. The twentieth century had brought with it medicines and surgeries for men like him, wonderful inventions that could bring his body more in line with his internal sense of himself. Romano still had occasional bouts of dysphoria, but now he could look at his naked body in the mirror without shame. He was mostly fine with who he was these days, and with the long journey he’d taken to get there. But would America be?

There was only one way to find out. Romano frowned down at his phone as he pressed the button to call America. It rang once, twice before America picked up.

“Hey, Little Italy! I’m so glad you called! I’ve been totally bored, and I’ve had no one to talk to all day!”

Romano smirked and decided to tease America a little. He enjoyed teasing him, seeing the way his face would get all red as he shyly glanced away. If only he’d ever been able to kiss Alfred when he was acting like that. “So you were lonely without me, Fredo?”

“I… uh, I didn’t say that. No, ‘cause like I tried to call Mattie, but he was hanging out with the Netherlands and Cuba and was too busy to do anything with his own brother.” Savino just knew that Alfred was pouting and making sad puppy eyes at being “abandoned” by Canada for his friends.

Savino snorted. “Been there, done that, got the t-shirt. Feli’s on a date with his macho potato right now.”

Alfred giggled. “Macho potato. I always thought it was so funny when you call him that. But I’ve never really understood why.”

Because I’m jealous, Savino thought. I’m jealous of his height and his muscles, and how he got them so easily. I’m jealous of how he was born to look so macho with hardly any effort, and I’ve had to work so hard just to get where I am right now.

Savino cleared his throat and tried to shove the dysphoric thoughts away. “I don’t fucking know. He likes potatoes, and he likes to pretend he’s Mr. Macho Man. Do I need another reason?”

“Nah, that makes sense, I guess. But you can be pretty macho too. I still remember that one time on Halloween you dressed up as the Grandma from Little Red Riding Hood.” America paused, and Romano could hear him letting out a long sigh over the phone line. “You were wearing a dress, but like in a manly way? I don’t know how to explain it, but it was macho of you. Very macho.”

Dio, Alfred sounded turned on just from the memory of it. Savino remembered that costume. Spain and Belgium had both been surprised when he volunteered to dress up as the Grandma in keeping with their Little Red Riding Hood theme, and Spain had even pulled him aside to make sure he was comfortable wearing a dress, given how much it had bothered him as a child. But Romano had explained it was different this time. He was dressing up as a character, not him, and it was just that one night. Romano had worn sunglasses and toted in a gun to feel more tough and manly, and no one mistook his for a little old woman. That costume now hung in the back of his closet, behind the suit separates and shirts that were his normal, daily attire. Savino had considered finding selling the costume on eBay or donating it to an organization that took women’s clothing since he’d probably never wear it again.

But if he could make Alfred sound like that again, maybe Savino would hold onto the dress.

“Vinny? You still there?”

“Yeah, sorry. I just drifted off for a minute there.” His hand moved through the air like he was sweeping cobwebs out of his mind.

“It’s cool. Oh! Speaking of costumes, Japan was talking about this awesome anime convention in Tokyo next month. Hopefully my boss will give me enough time off for me to go, because it sounds amazing.”

Romano smiled at America’s enthusiasm. “I hope so too.”

Alfred launched into an excited discussion of all the characters he might cosplay as at the convention if he got to go. Romano didn’t know many of them, and America was speaking so fast he couldn’t hear the names of all of them, but he listened attentively regardless.

This was nice, Romano reflected. His friendship with America was warm, safe, and comfortable. He could listen to Alfred talk about something that made him happy for hours on end. If he didn’t say anything, never brought up the real reason he had called Alfred, it could stay this way forever.

But the thing was that he would gladly listen to Alfred talk about something that made him happy for hours on end. That Alfred made him feel warm, safe, and comfortable just by being himself. He was so close to letting himself fall in love with the idiota, and there was only one thing stopping him.

Savino broke into the middle of Alfred’s sentence. “Alfredo, I need to tell you something.”

“Is it something bad? You sound really scared. Is someone hurting you? Whose ass do I have to kick?”

“No… no one is. I’m fine. This is just really hard for me to say.” It had been so difficult each time. With Spain, Veneziano, and Belgium, he didn’t have words for it, and he had to explain himself in painful, drawn out sentences that didn’t always reflect the truth he knew in his heart (like telling Belgium he had been born a girl, when he’d never really felt like one). He was afraid of being rejected by people who mattered to him, and he was afraid they might not even comprehend what he was trying to tell them. Now, Savino had words, but that didn’t make him any less scared of losing someone who mattered to him.

“What is it?” Alfred asked gently.

He took a deep breath, in and out, then bit the bullet. “I’m transgender.”

Savino tried not to panic in the stunned silence than followed. Luckily that silence only lasted a few seconds. “Oh, wow, that’s… that’s awesome!”

Romano laughed in relief. “It is?”

“Of course it is, dude! I am so proud of you, and I am so glad you felt comfortable enough to share that with me!”

Savino closed his eyes, feeling that last barrier to falling in love with Alfred giving way. “You made it easy for me to feel comfortable, caro.”

“Umm, can I ask you a question?” Alfred’s voice sounded hesitant and strained. “I promise it won’t be too weird.”

“Sure, I guess.” Savino frowned and brushed some imaginary dust off his knee. People could ask invasive questions when someone revealed they were trans, but that didn’t sound like what Alfred was planning to do.

“What kind of transgender person are you? Because I just called you dude, but only because I called you dude so many times before and didn’t know it was wrong. I’d never intentionally misgender someone right after they came out to me. That would be epically shitty of me.” Alfred seemed worried and apologetic.

“It’s okay. I’m a trans guy, so you can call me dude if you want to.”

“Thank God! For a second, I thought I’d fucked up really badly. He/him pronouns still okay?”

“Yeah.”

“What about your name, Savino? And the nicknames I give you, Vinny and Little Italy?”

Savino grinned. “Yes. And I don’t even know why you’re worried about Little Italy. That has nothing to do with my gender.”

Alfred chuckled. “I figured I should make sure, just in case.”

“I’m glad I decided to tell you today,” Romano said. “I wanted to tell you before, but I was scared. You didn’t seem like you’d have a bad reaction, but it’s a hard thing to talk about, you know?”

“Yeah, I get it.” Alfred paused, and it felt like he was preparing to say something important. Savino waited until he was ready. “I’m uhh… queer, I guess? I’m not really sure what to call myself.”

Savino smiled sadly at the insecurity he could hear in Alfred’s voice. “That’s okay. For a long time, I didn’t know what to call myself either.”

“No, I guess you wouldn’t have.” America sighed, and he sounded distressed. “It’s… fuck, I don’t even know how to explain this. For most of my life, I thought I was asexual. Well, actually, I thought I was broken and that there was something wrong with me, but I’m trying not to feel that way anymore.”

“There is nothing wrong with you.” Damn it, he wished America wasn’t on another continent so he could hug him. He could probably use a hug right now.

“But then there was this guy. This one amazing, wonderful, really special guy.” Alfred laughed softly, thinking about whatever lucky bastard he was obviously in love with, and Savino wondered who it might be. Lithuania? Japan? Prussia? South Korea? America was close to a lot of people.

Or maybe it was him. Maybe he was the lucky bastard.

“He’s the only person I’ve ever, umm, wanted that way,” America continued. “I don’t think it’s because he’s a guy, because I’m not into guys generally, and I’m not into girls either. But I do like the specific ways he is a guy, so maybe I’m gay? I don’t know.”

“That’s fine, Fredo. You don’t have to label yourself if you don’t want to.” No wonder America was so confused. He had only liked one person his entire life. That wasn’t much information to determine your sexuality on.

“I really appreciate you saying that, but I wish I could label myself. All my other friends seem to know what genders they’re into, and it feels kind of weird that I don’t.”

“Well, you seem to be fixated on this one particular person. Do you think anything would be different if the guy you told me about had been a girl instead?” Romano wanted to help America figure this out, since his uncertainty seemed to be bothering him. This was the only way Romano could think of.

America thought it over. “I guess I still don’t know,” he answered quietly. His volume was more typical of Canada than what Romano was used to from America. “When you told me you were transgender and I wasn’t sure how you were transgender, I was more worried about hurting you than if I’d still think you were hot as a girl.”

Savino teared up. He was the lucky bastard after all. “Alfredo, you…”

“Crap, I didn’t make things weird, did I?! We can totally go back and pretend I didn’t say anything. You know me, open mouth, insert foot.” Alfred laughed shakily.

“I don’t want to go back and pretend you didn’t say anything. You know what I really want, idiota? I want to kiss the hell out of you, like I’ve wanted to kiss you for years. But I’d have to get on a goddamn plane and be trapped in a tin can of death with hundreds of other passengers for several hours to make that happen.” Romano hated flying, but he was willing to consider it.

“Or I could fly to see you. I’ve got a private jet, so I wouldn’t have to waste time going through airport security.”

Romano grinned. “That works too.”

“Can I call you back in a little bit? I need to call my boss to make sure he can spare me for a few days while I fly out to see you.”

“Sure, tesoro. Talk to you soon.”

Alfred hung up the phone, and Savino set his phone down on the table in front of him. Coming out to America had gone much better than he could’ve expected. Romano was glad he didn’t have that burden on his shoulders anymore, and he was hoping America would call back in a few minutes to let him know his boss’s decision. If he couldn’t be spared for a few days and Romano’s boss wouldn’t let him go either, they would have to find some way around that. As far as Romano was concerned, he’d been waiting more than long enough as it was, and he wasn’t going to wait any longer than he had to.

[duckymcdoorknob]

HEY IM STILL ON A MINI HIATUS BUT I COULDN’T TAKE NOT HAVING MY SAFE SPACE ANYMORE!!!

ILL BE BOUNCIN ON AND OFF MAKING SHITPOSTS, BUT NO FORMAL WRITING UNTIL SUNDAY MORNING.

SINCE ABSOLUTELY NO ONE ASKED- HERES HOW LIFE IS GOIN RN

This was probably the most mondayiest Monday of my life

Senioritis is awfUL

I’ve got two tests tomorrow In the two subjects that matter most.

(Econ and English. I need a 94 to not have to take my Econ final, and I need a 90 in English to stay in the honors society)

I’m behind in 3 classes and continue to fall more every day.

I got another temp fever from trying not to cry all day

My EDs be as fiery and sexy as ever

BUT- a friend that I trusted and told about it came up to me today and said “you didn’t eat today did you? You were doing so well, but you haven’t talked to me about it in a long time. what’s going on?”

I haven’t eaten more than a meal a day in roughly three months and you just didn’t notice and I didn’t want to tell you bc I was worried I was annoying you but thanks

When I tell you i was one more nice comment from him away from bawling, im telling the truth.

It’s hell week for little women

I’m not off book for little women (down to like 50 ish lines tho!!)

I take my first set of final bows Saturday night and I’m not ready.

My fucking musical director man

I love him to death, truly I do, but if I get discriminated against by him one more fucking time I’m gonna choke him, NOT affectionately >:(

Freshman year: I can’t play Jane Banks because I’m 5’8

Senior year; I can’t audition for Jack Kelly because I’m female.

But I can audition for davey!!

Why is that you ask?

Because jack has a female love interest,

And I, a female, am NOT allowed to be in love with a member of my own sex.

gasp. Scandalous, I know.

But in all honesty what the fuck.

I feel guilty for this one but- I’m so tired of being friends with people.

Let me elaborate.

I can’t even sit with one of my friends without being in constant fear that she’s going to talk about how dysphoric she feels or how she wants to $h00+ herself, or how she’s gonna have a panic attack over literally any minor inconvenience. I feel like shit for feeling this way but like it’s all she says to me anymore and I just want my friend back.

I have another friend who is going through depressive episodes and refuses to go to therapy as much as I beg him to, so I’m his only outlet whatsoever. Anytime I don’t give the answer he expects or wants, I get hit with “it’s okay you’re busy I’ll be fine” or “it’s fine just go to sleep then” and he makes constant sooishidal jokes and they just make me feel sick.

I have friends, who aren’t in eachothers’ inner circles, who (as mentioned earlier) are in a constant cycle of “oh I wasn’t invited? Haha that’s fine I’m used to it!!” Or “oh thanks for thinking of me right now and not when you were inviting people!” Or “must be nice to be included haha!”

Sometimes I just want to be alone, but everyone takes offense to it when I don’t sit with them at lunch or in the mornings.

I can’t complain about anything, A N Y T H I N G, without either being berated for complaining, being interrupted and ignored or being derailed by one of them complaining about their own issues.

And I can’t even imagine opening up about what I’m really feeling Bc I WILL scare them all away. I don’t want to talk about it because I know how it feels to have to comfort while having huge loads on your shoulders.

I can’t go to school counselors either without them telling my parents.

So yeee i get to suffer Bc I can’t ask for help.

NOW FOR DA HAPPY

I wrote a lil sum sum that I will post on Sunday morning

IM SEEING WORLD HEROES MISSION ON SUNDAY TOO

I ordered more diamonds for my painting so now I can finish it :)

I’m rewatching AOT and falling in love with all of the characters again.

SIBCE WHEN WAS MIKASA THAT HOT

[kortsitron]

Am I Less of Man Than You?

Relationship: Loki × Pre-T!TransMale! Reader

Location: Avengers Tower

Warnings: Swearing, Dysphoria

(F/N) - friend's name

(F/N/N) - Friend's nick name

A/N

Small reminder, I'm not a English speaker, so I'm sorry for every mistake. I hope you will enjoy this one shot ^^

(Y/N) was in his room. He was laying on the bed looking on the ceiling. Everything was silent and dark. Nothing amazing in the middle of the night.

Male was thinking about everything what happen today.

He met his old friend from school. It wasn't planned, just accident. But it doesn't change the fact that it wasn't a great meeting.

Flashback

"(Deadname)! Long time no see." (F/N) said looking at (Y/N). (F/N) was bigger male who knew (Y/N) for long time. He liked him, but he was still calling him by his deadname and pronouns that was making (Y/N) dysphoric as hell.

"It's (Y/N)." (Y/N) laughed nervously, hand was on the back of his neck. He was stressed by this situation. "I told you that long time ago." He laughed again.

"I thought that you get over it." He said smirking. (Y/N) felt like something was building inside his chest. It was anxiety. He would be happy if he could just run away to calm down a little.

"I-it's not a phase. It's serious, (F/N/N). You know me, I would never fake something like this."

"I still don't get it. Why don't you just accept that you are a fucking girl and you always be a girl?" He said annoyed. (Y/N)'s breathing was slow and heavy.

"This is not how it works." Smaller male said. His voice was breaking a little bit.

"But you know that you never will be a real man, right?" (Y/N) felt that time stopped. He didn't knew what he should do about it. He felt tears coming to his eyes. (Y/N) was trying to stop and won't made them fall. "This is a girls body. If you were a guy, you wouldn't look like that. That body makes you less of man than me or any other guy. You need to fucking understand it."

"I-I... I gotta go." (Y/N) quickly said and started to walking away feeling that he is crying. It was too much for him. Trans topics were his weak spot.

End of Flashback

Now, he was lying on the bed, thing about it and feeling that his eyes were watering. He felt so bad in his skin at the moment. He wanted just be himself.

(Y/N) started crying. He just couldn't act like nothing happened.

After a few minutes of crying he decided to the kitchen to drink so water.

He took his favourite hoodie and got out of his room.

Everything was silent. Everybody was sleeping, so (Y/N) wasn't scared that someone will see him being a mess.

When he was almost in the kitchen, he saw that light in the kitchen was on. He felt stress coming to him and hitting him like a wave.

He decided to put on good on his head and act normal.

He went to the kitchen and saw Loki reading a book.

"Loki?" (Y/N) looked at God and then quickly looked in the other direction, avoiding Loki's green eyes. "What are you doing here? Shouldn't you sleep or something?"

"I could ask you the same question. But if you didn't saw, I'm reading a book." Loki said. (Y/N) felt that he was looking at him. He was trying to act normal.

(Y/N) tried to get a glass. He got it, but he dropped it. Loki quickly stood up and he looked at the floor and than at him. (Y/N) looked at him with red eyes. God's went from 'cold and judging look' to 'worried look'.

"(Y/N), is everything fine with you?" He asked looking into (Y/N)'s eyes.

"Am I less of a man than you?" He asked. His voice broke and he felt his eyes watering.

Loki was surprised after hearing the question. He just signed.

"I think you should talk to someone about your troubles." He said softly slowly coming to him. "Do you want me to be that person?"

"Y-yes."

"Go to your room, I will take care of this glass on the floor."

"Ok." (Y/N) said and he went to his room.

He waited for Loki at the bed, trying to calm down. Light was coming from lamp on his desk.

Then he heard door opening and he saw black haired God. God sat next to him. Loki waited a few seconds before saying anything.

"What made you ask me a question about being a man?"

"I met my old friend and we were talking..." Smaller male told everything that happened today. "And then he just told me that my body makes a less of man than him or any other male."

"(Y/N)," He said softly, touching (Y/N)'s cheek gently. "You know it's not truth, right?"

"But my body... H-he is right. There is no guy who would have a body like this."

"It's just a body. It doesn't make you less of man. Until you know who you are, your body doesn't matter. It doesn't change who you truthly are. Remember the thing I told you some time ago?" (Y/N) nodded. "Say it please.

"One day I will be who I truthly am."

"Yes, that's it. I know that being the way you are is pretty hard, but I know you can do it." He said. (Y/N) without thinking hugged Loki. He just needed that. Just a little bit of closeness. "I wish I could give you my shape shifting powers." He said hugging him back.

"Wait." (Y/N) said letting himself go to look into Loki's green eyes. "You can shape shift? Why didn't you told me about it?"

"I didn't knew that you would be interested in knowing that." He signed, hand on the back of his neck.

"Loki, this is amazing. I mean, I would love to have that powers too. Not only because of being the way I am, but it seems really cool."

"It is in fact really nice." He agreed, nodding his head with a small smile on his face.

"Uh... Loki?" (Y/N) said shyly, looking away, blushing.

"Yes? What is it, (Y/N)?"

"Thank you. I really appreciate that you listened to me."

"I'm glad I could make you feel better. Is there anything more I could do to make you happy?" He asked, putting his hand on (Y/N)'s. Loki's hand was cold and gave (Y/N) shivers. Loki giggled at his reaction.

"Could you, like, maybe, stay with me tonight?" With every word, (Y/N)'s voice was more quiet.

Loki smiled and kissed (Y/N)'s forehead, making his blush more.

"I will stay. I will there for you when you will need me, dear."

[genderpunktheo]

Hey! Im confused about whats happening on twitter, so i just wanted to ask: the whole... argument. Disaster. Whatevers going on over there. Is it to do with you refering to the ‘bottom growth’ (is that actually the technical term?) as a dick, which like yes sure. But then im seeing people saying your saying the vagina/that whole area is a dick because a trans man has it, though i cant see where you did say that, which is confusing me. Because... its not, is it? The whole thing with people

Going ‘you dont have a dick your a biological women’ is dumb and transphobic, but is it correct to call those areas a dick if theyre... not? Outside of like, casual references, i mean in the more literal sense. this is all coming from a cis person whos only just learnt that this is a thing and thats why its throwing me off, i dont wanna sound like im coming from a ‘your wrong’ perspective! Im just not sure of the terminology, because a trans man who doesnt have a ‘growth’ or w/e would be a Man with a vagina, right, or would we say its a dick? I have no idea if this makes sense sorry

This ask is really old now (sorry about that! I read it at the time but just did not have it in me to answer after everything that went down on twitter) so I doubt you’ll even see this but I’ll give answering it a go anyway. 

So... when it comes to things like genitals, every trans person is gonna have a different way of dealing with that dysphoria (if they experience bottom dysphoria at all). Some trans guys are gonna call it a vagina and a clitoris, some are just gonna say “junk” to make it neutral and yeah, some are gonna say dick (and of course, any trans man who has had bottom surgery does indeed have a dick!)

Like you say, this happens often with “bottom growth” because one the clitoris grows on testosterone it can look and even function (since it will also harden or get erect when you’re aroused) much like a micro-penis. Is it exactly the same as a cis man’s penis? No, it’s not. Of course not. But... trans bodies don’t have to be the same as cis bodies. They’re still bodies. And technically, the clitoris is made from the exact same tissue as a penis. So, I would argue its perfectly correct to call it a dick if that’s how you view it and that’s what you wanna call it. 

Now I’m not saying that that means you should go label a clitoris “penis” on an anatomy chart. I’m just saying that while bottom growth isn’t biologically identical to a cis man’s penis, it’s also not biologically identical to a cis woman’s clitoris so... the lines are kind of blurred and you can call it whatever the fuck you wanna call it. 

Some people also use terms like babydick or dicklet to describe the fact that it’s obviously smaller and not exactly the same. Or words like T-dick to describe the fact that it’s growth from testosterone. 

As for if you’re not on T (like me)... then yeah it’s far more of a casual thing. I’m not an idiot I’m fully aware that I don’t actually have a penis. But I personally find it dysphoric to call my clitoris a clit, so I refer to it as my dick. Other than this one situation, this isn’t something I would usually ever speak about publically so this would just be between me and my long-term partner, who of course, has seen my junk and is aware of exactly what I have down there. It’s not misleading anyone or anything like that, it’s just a term that makes me more comfy. 

I’m perfectly happy saying that I am a man with a vagina. That is correct and true and fine. It’s just the clitoris word that spikes my dysphoria. I don’t know why, it just does. So yeah... when I’m talking with my partner, I say I have a vagina and a dick rather than a vagina and a clit. 

The whole situation on twitter started because someone jokingly tweeted about how giving a trans man a blow job (referring to bottom growth in this case) is a different skill set to giving a cis man a blow job. Some random cis guy came into the conversation to go off on one about how that wouldn’t count as a blow job so I basically told him “sucking dick is sucking dick, doesn’t matter if the dick is cis, a strap-on, bottom growth or whatever.” He proceeded to argue about whether it counted as a dick before finally saying that he’d googled pictures of it and now agreed that it was a dick.

So... I tweeted some screenshots and was like “hey cis people maybe don’t act like this... it’s kinda weird for you as a cis person to decide that it’s up to you what terms we’re allowed to use for our bodies.” Note that I was not saying that it’s the same as a cis penis! I was just saying you can it a dick or call oral a blow job if you want to! 

And for some reason... this really pissed people off. Lots of transmeds calling me a trender because “only a trender would go around saying they have a dick out of nowhere” which I find doubly frustrating because a). it wasn’t out of nowhere, some cis dude started it and b). i am 100% sure that if I called it a clit instead I’d be accused of being a trender for not being dysphoric enough. You just can’t win. 

Obviously lots of transphobes but also quite a few trans people. Who all wanted to make jokes about my body or how I have sex. Really nasty stuff, outright transphobia and bordering on sexual harassment. There was a lot of people who were attacking me for saying that a clitoris is a penis or because they thought I believed that it’s factual to say it’s identical to a cis penis. 

But... I never said any of that. All I said was that it can be a dick if you call it a dick (when it comes to stuff in the bedroom! Obviously medically speaking is a whole other issue). Because your sex life is your business. 

So there you go. There’s my thoughts on genitals. Hope that makes sense!

[actual-ongoing-dumpster-fire]

The LGBTQ+ Community - Why I have the labels but don’t feel like I fit in at the same time

Maybe it’s my general identity issues, maybe it’s my bisexuality and refusal to “pick a side,” maybe it’s my “snowflake syndrome,” maybe it’s my lack of a cohesive personality but despite knowing without a doubt that I’m bisexual and pansexual I don’t really feel accepted, visible or a part of the LGBTQ+ community sometimes.

I remember when I stopped compartmentalizing my not-heterosexual orientation and started quietly coming out selectively to people as bisexual outside of my family at around 16 or 17 (I wouldn’t come out to them until I was 18), I was told by a few people either I was gay or straight, I had to pick a side, I was confused or experimenting, I was really this orientation or that, I wasn’t bisexual. Mind you, this was from both cishets and another who was at the time a lesbian (and projecting their own stuff because now he’s transitioned, a man and married to man? I don’t know either). This wasn’t exactly super super long ago, either. This was in 2012/2013. You can say that I’ve been around the block with dealing with other people’s biphobia and bi erasure in AND out of the community.

My ex girlfriend didn’t really seem to be okay with my sexuality either. She’s a lesbian and she did NOT like the part of my sexuality that was attracted to men - she’s even asked me if I would stop being attracted to guys for her (to change my sexuality just like that). Now mind you, that relationship was toxic in many other ways and that was just the tip of the iceberg. But needless to say I couldn’t make any mention of my attraction to any guys at all because she was dealing with her own unprocessed trauma and thought every male is an evil rapist not to be trusted. Yes, male privilege is a thing and I’m very weary of cishet males myself, but I can’t just change my sexual orientation just like that.

A lot of non-bi people label me depending on who I’m dating at the moment. I’m dating a girl? They first assume I’m a lesbian. I’m dating a guy? Then I’m straight. That’s not how bisexuality works. That label does not disappear if I’m dating one person. Now I’m not monogamous any more, but that’s what I dealt with before this. Am I out to cheat on someone? No, I’m ethically nonmonogamous. Do I want threesomes and orgies all the time? No, sometimes I just want to have sex with one person, other times more than one, thank you very much. Am I ever “going to pick a side” or will I continue to be “greedy”?

A lot of cishet men see my bisexuality as a way to gratify them sexually - I talk to any cishet man on a dating app (now I filter them all out because I’m tired with a capital T) and their reaction is that it’s “hot” and then they probably formulate a plan to get into an MFF threesome with them, I’m inundated with unicorn hunters looking for a single bisexual female just to, again, sexually gratify and please the straight guy of the couple. It’s not super uncommon for the lesbians and the bi females to see bi girls that have had sex with a guy before as “tainted” and “dirty”. I’m sure there’s plenty of stories of bi poly girls who aren’t allowed to sleep with guys in their polyamorous relationships because I’ve seen on social media a few experiences about rules I wouldn’t jive well with personally.

I deal with other pansexual people defining bisexuality as only being attracted to both gender conforming cis females and cis females, that pansexual people are into “hearts, not parts,” basically defining pansexuality as “woke” bisexuality, and as someone with both of these labels, both of those definitions are fucking wrong. Bisexual does not mean sexually attracted to males and females, it means attracted to both your gender and other genders not your own gender, this can include trans people and it can include nonbinary people, pansexual means attracted to all genders. It infuriates me so much seeing gatekeeping pansexuals who try and define the bisexual label in a vilifying way and use pansexuality to be “woke” or to virtue signal, and think that all bisexuals are transphobic and enforce a gender binary.

I was traumatized by all kinds of people - straight, gay, and yes, bisexual. My rapist is bisexual. Yes, I’m working on processing it all, I’m in therapy, don’t suggest I go to therapy when I’m already in therapy, but to be traumatized by people in and out of the community, it’s really hard to feel like I have a safe space or I belong anywhere.

I view gender as a social construct, that the gender binary and gender norms are silly, I’m an intersectional feminist, but at the same time I’m a cisfemale and I feel like my parts fit my gender, I’m very gender conforming, I feel like I’m a woman and I generally like more feminine things, as absurd I believe it is that things have to be categorized in socially invented labels like “masculine” and “feminine.” I’ve never dealt with gender dysphoria, the most dysphoric I’ve felt about my body is that it actually doesn’t look feminine enough to me (I have PCOS) and if I woke up with or was born with a penis I would be very unhappy and prefer a vagina. I would be very upset to be mistaken for a he or a guy, I like makeup and girlier clothes (although I don’t wear skirts because the tight pencil-like or tight mini-skirts I like over more flowy and loose skirts I don’t like how they look on my body because I hate my stomach and would prefer to hide it at all costs and you can’t hide that if you’re wearing a tighter skirt, ya feel me?) The most “masculine” things I like would be video games, since that’s apparently a categorized thing for whatever fucking reason, and wearing jeans and hoodies sometimes, or tech-y stuff (again, why is that categorized as a masculine thing it’s just a field of study). 

I think the “I’m not like the other girls” rhetoric some girls into traditionally-viewed-as-masculine things and putting down other women who are into traditionally feminine stuff as a silly and unneeded rhetoric that just fuels the patriarchy. I think that men expecting women to be nice and quiet and meek and submissive and there only to comfort them when their fweefwees are getting to much and they want to vent away and have women lend them an ear is stupid and I resent that expectation being placed upon me more often than not. I don’t ever see myself as being the awesome housewife and wonderful mother. I don’t see myself ever wanting to be married in a traditional marriage where I stay at home, my partner works and brings in all the money, and I do all the cooking and housekeeping, even if I don’t mind cooking and housekeeping stuff (for myself, for taking care of myself).

I’m a cisfemale and very gender conforming, but the gender norms and the gender binary are, I agree, very stupid and constricting and oppressive. And I’m going to be the asshole calling out gay male and lesbian culture. They say that they’re not about traditional gender norms, but they’re just enforcing it in a different way with using labels like “twink” and “bear” or “butch” and “femme.” The twinks together with the bear and the butch together with the femme, with one being the more dominant one and “wearing the pants” in the relationship is enforcing and conforming to gender norms but in a different way, I’m sorry to tell you. 

Needless to say, there’s plenty behind why I view the LGBTQ+ community as something I don’t feel like I fit in or have a place or space for. It’s always felt like something I’ve always wanted to be a part of, that I’ve always admired from afar, even though that shouldn’t be the case because I have the labels, I am not heterosexual. But with all the gatekeeping running rampant inside and out, by both the gays and the straights, it’s pretty hard not to feel invisible and unwanted, invalidated and erased, like there’s no home for me. I don’t fit the right boxes to be a straight or a gay, according to most people, and it’s really isolating to be denied a place in “your” community because that same community who is all about fighting against the majority oppressors in power actually has their own set of norms and majority opinions and tends to cast out other oppressed people that should be accepted in the community but because they don’t blindlessly follow some arbitrary and problematic opinions they’re now cast out.

I’m bi, I’m a gender conforming woman, deal with it?

[tmitransitioning]

I got a whole battery of tests and exams for asking about getting HRT / surgery in a private hospital because they wanted extensive background and they are also a research hospital. Apparently they find it odd I have too many feminine traits like they did a handwriting analyst that identified my writing as feminine +lots of other things, even analysed my speech pattern, also did IQ+mental tests still with results that are feminine traits. Even though I also have huge discomfort affecting my well

2nd well-being and daily life.They are really wondering whether I actually am a man or I just hating serious body image issues and hating the view of women in society. I'm not sure they want to give me trouble or are transphobic but apparently my traits are shared with a lot of cis women who, if started, regretted their transitions because it wasn't actually a trans issue and actually body image and view of women in society they disliked and more needed therapy to learn how to3rd accept being a woman. So they don't want me to be another one of those. I also have below the shoulder hair and said I'd definitely keep it.Can't I both have these views + be actually dysphoric and trans? I have actually thought I wasnt female ever since I was little but they thought it was mostly because I have more male family (even the sitter role was male) thus did not have enough female role models in my early life even though my test results are more on the feminine(4th not received) 5th last. l side. Oh and my uncle has below the shoulder hair and my dad has neck length hair so I still managed to get feminine traits? And also well apparently one of my grandpas was misogynist too and his son/my uncle used to have a history of cheating and sleeping with a bunch of women (I actually have 2 cousins he forced to pay child support on) before he finally settled and said these might help explain my view on women. I think I am starting to ramble on sorry. But any ideas here please?_____

Here’s what i read: Hi, I went to a research hospital and they put me through a bunch of tests for research purposes (as opposed to evidence-based tests). Despite my gender-based discomfort that interferes with my every-day wellbeing, the researchers who are trying to study trans-ness told me they thought I wasn’t masculine enough based on some tests they’re trying to develop.   My scores are similar to an incredible minority of people who have de-transitioned (not accounting for the fact that the majority of people who un-transition actually are transgender but are dissatisfied with living as their true gender due to society’s pressures).   They told me that my appearance isn’t masculine enough to fit the traditional male stereotypes and they attributed my gender feelings to Freudian dislike of the patriarchy due to family stress.  Does that sound pretty close to what you explained to me? you can probably guess how i feel about the researchers at your clinic (fuck them).  I can’t tell you if you’re transgender or not.  

What i can say is this:There is no harm in transitioning and de-transitioning (or un-transitioning) (unless you personally feel harmed by it).  If you’re not confident in your decision, you can choose to transition in only reversible ways until you feel more confident about what is the best decision for you (avoiding HRT or surgery until you know that these will be in your best interest).  Many people NEVER opt for surgery or HRT and that’s a completely valid choice.  

Having long hair is absolutely not a reasonable criterion to say that someone is too feminine, neither is handwriting or speech patterns (both of which are influenced by the type of raising you get and socialization you have up to now: if you’re taught that a person who is AFAB is supposed to have nice handwriting, you generally do work harder at it, similarly, you generally do have greater speech pattern variability  (there have been studies about trans man speech patterns being more similar to cis women and trans women speech patterns being more similar to cis men- where through the process of transition- not hormones alone but resocialization as their true gender- brings the speech tone, quality and patterns into alignment with the true gender.)

sometimes it’s not as simple as “oh i’m definitely trans” or “oh, i’m definitely cis and i just hate the way the patriarchy imposes rules on women” (actually it seldom is).  But if you’re really feeling conflicted, I think it’s best for you to talk to a trans (and nonbinary) friendly therapist.   It sounds like your providers are VERY binary driven, and want to place people in VERY gendered boxes (you must be this masculine to ride).   It makes me have an icky feeling. 

Good luck. 

Mod mayhem