#i am making so little money right now... god willing i get the summer internship i applied to that actually pays so good and would be a+

[prophecyofgray]

i've committed to a lifestyle of "fuck it i'll just put it on my credit card" i fear

[thatsbucknasty]

she used to be mine (v) waitress au

summary: Inspired by the broadway musical. Y/N Beck is a pie baking force to be reckoned with. She’s pregnant with her lazy ass husband, Quentin Beck’s baby. As everything around her turns upside down, Doctor James Buchanan Barnes charms his way into her life.

pairing: Y/N x Bucky

I will put some warnings in the tags cause I don’t want to spoil everybody but I feel like there are sensitive topics in this one, so go ahead and check the tags!

chapter 5: you will still be mine

You’d think that having an unplanned pregnancy, an unemployed lazy husband and an exhausting job that underpays would be just enough to realize you’re having a bad year. But now, on top of that, said unemployed lazy husband’s truck broke down and I just can’t afford to fix it right now, he’s asking for money cause he already took it to the shop without consulting with me, and it’s not like I can just give him my savings.

He was out all night yesterday, drinking I assume. I have to tell him I’m pregnant. And also, I have to walk to work and to my doctor’s appointment later today, because I can only afford one bus ride per day and usually it would be the one back home from work cause Quentin would drive me in the morning. Life’s just fine and dandy isn’t it?

I’ve seen those videos where women will make a big deal showing their spouse the little pregnancy test and record their reaction. It usually involves tears and hugs and all things pretty, and I can’t help but feel like I’m never gonna have that kind of life. The one with balloons and cake and glitter for the gender reveal party and the baby shower. And I’ve never even wanted those things, but I’m pretty sure Quentin’s reaction will be the farthest from tears and hugs and all things pretty.

-

“Morning, Y/N, you’re late again. It’s the third time this month”. Sam looks angry at me from the counter, at least he’s back to his grumpy self but I feel bad nonetheless.

“I am so sorry Sam, I swear I’m not doing it on purpose, it’s just that I had to walk and you know 4th street’s closed and-

“Hey, calm down girl. I understand. I know y’all think I’m rude and moody all the time but I just like teasing ya... if you ever need help I can give you a ride in the morning”. Great, now even Sam is pitying me.

“And I know what you’re thinking. ‘He’s pitying me’”, he rolls his eyes at me, “but I care about you girls despite all of our bickering. I’m just offering my help cause we’re pals, aren’t we?” He offers me a cup of coffee and I decline but sit down on the stool.

“Why aren’t you drinking coffee Y/F/N?” Oh shit.

“I uh, I-” Shit, shit, shit.

“Y/N?, tell me what’s going on?”

“Fuck, Sam, I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. We are pals, we are! But I didn’t want Nick to know cause I thought he might fire me. I’m pregnant”. I finally sigh and hide my face in my hands, trying hard not to cry in front of him. “God, this is embarrassing”.

“Hey! There’s nothing to be ashamed of here. I understand, actually a lot of things make sense now. The girls know, don’t they?” I hum my answer, my face still in my palms.

“Have you told Quentin yet?” I shake my head and look down at the orange juice he puts in front of me instead of the usual coffee, huh, he can be nice when he really wants to.

“You’re in a real conundrum, aren’t you?”

“Yes I am. He hasn’t been working for the past three months. He didn’t come home last night and we fight almost every day. I don’t know when I’ll start showing but my uniform barely fits and my feet are swollen from walking here. It’s just a matter of time until he notices. I can barely afford my doctor’s appointments. Oh! And I might have a tiny crush on him”.

“Your doctor? Wasn’t he married?”

“How did you- nevermind. Well, he’s getting a divorce, but I am married so nothing’s gonna happen either way”.

“Jesus, I wish I could do something to help you. My offer on the ride still stands, okay?”

“Thank you, Sammy. You’re very kind but knowing my husband, he would never allow it. He’d rather I walk with my swollen feet everyday and I don’t wanna fight with him. I’m just so tired”.

“Y/N, I know this ain’t my place but, why are you still with him?”

“I honestly don’t know anymore. I keep making up reasons when Nat tells me to ‘leave his ass’ but I can’t think of any more good ones”.

-

The diner was very quiet today, most Tuesdays it is because Al’s Pancake World has a discount. Sam swore he’d keep the secret about my little crush. I just don’t want Nat to have more material for insisting I should leave Quentin right now. And now I’m walking over to the doctor’s office.

The air tonight is so crisp and I appreciate how summer is about to end. Fall has always been my favorite time of the year. I can’t wait for the diner to smell like pumpkin pie every day. Speaking of pie, I brought Bucky some leftovers.

“Good evening, Y/N. Oh gosh, you brought pie?” 

“I said I would, didn’t I?”

“I’m starting to think I should give you something back, you really didn’t have to”.

“Oh don’t worry about it, it’s just some leftover ‘Kick in the pants pie’, I know, the name’s a little too aggressive but I had a bad week, don’t judge”.

“No one’s judging here. But care to explain the name?”

“I just- I had a fight with my husband earlier, and whenever I wish I could do something that’s not very nice, I just make it into a pie, you know… to express my feelings in a non-violent way”.

“So you wish you could kick your husband’s crotch but you made a pie instead, got it”. It’s insane and we both laugh about it for a minute and he leans back into the exam table. This is nice, having a friend who I can openly talk about my issues with. Wait, are we friends?

“Do you and your husband fight a lot?”

“Um… why are you asking me this?”

“Oh, nothing, it’s just- stress is bad for the baby and, I don’t know. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to-”

“It’s okay”, I lean into the exam table next to him, close to him, “we do, we fight a lot. He drives me nuts, and I’m a pain in his ass. That’s just us I guess”.

���I get it. I was a pain in Dot’s ass too”, he scoffs out a cynical laugh and looks at me, “guess she couldn’t deal with that anymore”.

“Can I ask what happened?”

“You can, but I wouldn’t know how to answer. She just got up and left one day. Said she got an internship in New York and we weren’t working anymore, so- she didn’t even give me a real reason, nor a chance to work things out”.

“I’m sorry, Bucky”.

“It’s fine. We always wanted different things. I was raised in a small town and when I went to Chicago for college I was miserable. But I met Dot and I thought life in a big city wouldn’t be so hard if I had her by my side. But then she wanted to do even bigger”.

“Like New York?”

“Yeah. I’m not cut out for that. I love this little town of yours, always did”.

“Oh, so you’ve been here before?”

“Yeah, my grandparents lived here and I would come visit for the holidays. You actually remind me of my grandma”.

“Gee, thanks?” He throws his head back laughing.

“No, I mean because she used to bake like, ten different pies for Thanksgiving. She loved baking. And she was also a little-” He eyes me sheepishly and makes a face.

“A little what, huh?” I smack his arm and try not to laugh at his stupid, cute antics.

“Well, a little strong willed?”

“That’s a euphemism for stubborn”.

“Yeah, it is”. He has the audacity to smirk at me and I can’t help but smile because he says it in a way that feels like a compliment.

Bucky finishes the examination and tells me he’d like to see me again in three weeks. He opens the door for me and we do a little dance of who gets out first. We laugh at each other’s clumsiness and I feel like a teenager. He smells nice, like always. I say goodbye and I find myself hoping the next three weeks go by quickly. I glance at my watch and notice the time. Fuck, has it really been two hours? My appointments usually last thirty minutes tops.

-

“Hi, Y/N”. Fuck, he’s here already?

“Jesus, Quentin, you startled me. What are you doing here? I thought you were supposed to see the game at Phil’s tonight”.

“Yeah? And I thought you were supposed to come home early, you said no extra shifts on Mondays”.

“I- I was-”

“Now don’t lie to me, cause I found your money! That’s right, I did! Why were you keeping money in the closet, huh? I took the money, paid Carl to fix the damn truck and drove over to Nick’s and you weren’t there. That angry redhead chick said you left early, so where, the fuck, were you?” He grabs an empty bottle of beer and throws it against the wall.

“Quentin. Stop it, you’re scaring me! Calm down!”.

“I won’t calm down until you tell me where you were!” He grabs another bottle and raises it above his head, aiming straight at me, I’m frightened and I don’t know what else to do but-

“I’m pregnant!”

Silence. Complete and utter silence. He lowers his arm along with the crystal bottle he’s holding. Tears cascade down my face silently and I can’t help them. I hate crying in front of Quentin but he truly scared me. He’s never been violent towards me. Sure he yells a lot but he never gets like this, and I’m sure he would’ve thrown that bottle at me if I hadn’t told the truth.

“Please say something”.

“You can’t be pregnant, Y/N, and if you are it isn’t mine”. He whispers and I don’t know if I heard him right. I’m at a loss for words for a few seconds.

“Why would you say such a thing? It is yours!”

“No it isn’t! I don’t want it!” He’s yelling again and his words break my heart. If I had the smallest belief that he actually cared for me, it’s gone.

“Quentin? Do you remember that night I went to the Stark’s party with you and we both got drunk? You were wearing your fancy blue shirt with the grey tie, and I had that red dress that you like. This baby is yours. And if you-”

“No, it isn’t! I said it isn’t, Y/N. I- I can’t do this with you, I can’t and I won’t!

“What are you talking about?!”

“You remember Alice? You met her at that party”.

“Right, mini skirt girl, I remember. What about her?”

“She and I-” He looks down at his feet and then back into my eyes and I see it.

“No”. My blood begins to boil. This bastard!

I feel a huge knot in my throat and I can’t breathe. All this time I’ve been grasping for something, anything. Clinging for this marriage to work. Feeling guilty about baking a stupid pie for my doctor, when he’s been sleeping with some girl who’s probably ten years younger than him?!

“No!” I grab the nearest object and throw it at him. And of course it’s a fucking pillow- “Get out! Out, I said! And don’t ever come back!” He’s backing down, opening the door and I yell at the top of my lungs, I don’t care if the neighbors hear me- 

“That money you stole from me was for the doctor’s appointments and the hospital bills, I saved up all of that for this baby, your baby, alone!  And you’re gonna pay me back! I kept a roof over your fucking head, paid for your fucking beers and you cheated on me? If you ever come near me or this baby I will kill you, you hear me?”

I grab his keys and put them on my apron’s pocket.

“And I’m keeping the stupid truck!”

He leaves, on foot, and just like that I’m a single mother. 

“AH!”

What is this? The most terrifying pain strucks my pelvis and I feel a discharge in my underwear. No, no. Baby don’t do this. We are gonna be fine, you and I. I promise. Please. Don’t.

-

chapter 6: a soft place to land

a/n: pls reblog if you liked it c: and don’t kill me, I promise fluff is coming!

[havingacrisisabtdeanw]

So I read 91 W.

Also, trigger warnings under the cut for mentions of suicidality

This isn’t actually going to really be about the fanfic 91 W, I don’t really know what it’s going to be about. Just that Supernatural and spn related content keep pulling things out of me that I thought were buried. Fuck. It’s been a trip today.

I almost joined the army when I was 18 - I wanted to use the scholarship to get through college. As it was we only had money for three years (aid sucked in my state) and by the end of my freshman year they basically guaranteed me a scholarship.

More than four years of college, I wanted out of my fucking life. I wanted out of my mom’s house so bad by that point I was breaking. I started having panic attacks that I couldn’t control, no one knew, no one was around, and they were always triggered by the thoughts of the friends I had made. I thought about how I couldn’t believe they wanted to be friends with me and the hope that I had worth, that I had a life outside of my miserable circumstances, mixed with my habitual searing self rejection forced me to break the fuck down. When I say I wanted out of my life I don’t necessarily mean that I was suicidal, but damn if my concern for myself was so low that any promise that I might never have to go back home again and I would jump for it, no matter the mortality rate. Army will keep you away from home for as long as you fucking want.

I didn’t join the army. I got a corporate stamp of approval at a summer internship, a promise that I would “go far” in economics or whatever I felt like pursuing from someone who was enough of a stranger to me for me to trust them. I remember the terror of turning down the offer, of turning over my ROTC gear. They make it easier to join than to leave.

So I didn’t leave. I joined the military fraternity on campus and received as a gift two of the fucking worst years of my life. I’m only kind of exaggerating. I went from the hazing of the fat army almost retired brass, too concerned with getting the suburbanite college students to sign their lives over to really put much thought into giving us hell to the much more energetic hazing of my ROTC college peers. To say I had no context was an understatement, and it will take me years to work through the fucking number that the experience did on me.

Worse was what I turned around and did to the class below me. I don’t think my methods were worse, if anything I stood by my promise to myself that I would be softer, and I know that the fraternity is different now, but I was sliding quickly toward to precipice of breakdown and everything in my brain was going downhill, my planning skills along with it. I don’t ever want to not be a civilian. There are days that I remember too clearly if I try, so I don’t try. Funny how reading military fanfiction will pull things out of you. I don’t have much inclination to be more specific in this paragraph.

My mom and stepdad were the only people in my life who were really advising me against joining the army, which was ineffective as they were literally the people I was trying to escape from. I would stay at my mom’s house on breaks from college while I was involved with my fraternity, and she was shocked when I told her a year later that they had hazed me.

On that, I’m blessed right now to be surrounded by people who know me well enough to call me on my “I’m okay” bullshit, who know to check on me, who can provide me company when I need it or leave me alone if I need that. I’m blessed that I got old enough that I learned how to speak through my pain, to trust that the ugly things I held inside myself weren’t so ugly to other people, that I got old enough to meet people who would take the all the ugly pieces of me and stroke them gently. I’m not religious, but saying “blessed” makes me feel less terrified than saying “lucky” because oh god what if everything had been different and then I’m hyperventilating again.

But things were different when I was in high school. I fell out of touch with a lot of my high school friends over the past couple years and recently have been reconnecting. I love them all to bits and am so happy, but oh boy is the me that I see reflected in how they talk to me not the me that the people around me know. They never saw through the “I’m okay.” They never saw the ugly parts of me. And I cried when I thought of them because of how terrified I was that oh they’ll hate me if they know who I really am.

I am okay now. I am okay reconnecting with my old friends and laughing about old times and talking about my depression as though it was just something I experienced between the ages of 19 and 22, as though it wasn’t brewing the whole time they knew me, and if the conversation goes there I can say “It’s okay, I was young and didn’t know how to talk about it.” Which, true.

I’m not angry at them, anymore. I used to be. You always took so much from me, and gave so little back. Years of being the mom friend, the one who would hear them out and try to give them good advice, just thankful that someone was willing to give my weird ass the time of day. Misplaced. I was young and I didn’t know how to talk about it. How does a 14 year old know how to explain to someone they’ve known 6 months that every day they wake up scared to go to school because there are too many people, their family life is a bad joke that would make a sitcom audience go “this is too much,” and they’re hungry more often than they can even bare to notice.

I got out, and I didn’t join the army and I didn’t kill myself. I’m “pursuing my dream” in academia, studying mathematics. I’m surrounded by people who don’t know me and I don’t know them, and it’s hard sometimes not to hate them for not knowing what I’ve gone through and not appreciating how much of a miracle it is that I’m here in the first place without me having to explain it. Today was one of those days. I sat in class and scrolled through army fanfic on my phone and looked around at my classmates and thought “they won’t know, they’ll never know.” As if they should know.

They shouldn’t. Nobody should. I don’t, even. It’s funny for me to be so triggered by a WW2 fic when I was barely a toenail sliver into the military in my entire life. Hell, one of the friends I had a breakdown over joined up and I’m desperately trying to get her to leave before she ends up dead - undisclosed medical issues.

But not all wars are fought on a battlefield, and wishing you were more traumatized is a great sign that you were traumatized, and badly. And I was.

I had a brief moment in the bathroom after class where I almost lost control completely (but I had to work) and the trigger wasn’t remembering everything that happened - it was remembering that there are people in my life now who are angry on my behalf, an anger that negates my attempt to go “I’m okay, this is normal, everyone goes through shit.”

I escaped, but goddamn are there days when I have trouble believing it.

[burmecianblackmage]

Goodbye 2017 - Hello 2018

[[EDIT: tumblr did mess it up. Urgh. So this is now two hours late... sorry guys -.-]]

If tumblr doesn’t mess things up (and it hasn’t during the advent calendar, so I’m willing to give it the benefit of the doubt and assume it won’t), then this post should hit the dash exactly when the clock strikes midnight over here in Switzerland, and the new year begins. And that means it’s the perfect time to say...

Happy 2018 guys!

I hope you all will have a wonderful new year, one that will make you forget all the bad things that happened in 2017, and leave you a happy and content little human by the time 2019 rolls around in 365 days.

May your year be full of moments that make you smile, moments of love and friendship, moments of success and accomplishment, and above all, full of health and happiness. I am very happy to have met all of you, and to have interacted with you, whether it be by playing, by talking, or even just by reading some of each other’s works. You lot have been a big part in what kept me going this year, and I want you to know I’m really thankful for that. I hope we can enjoy much of the next year together as well, and that no matter where the year will lead you, you will be happy. I love you all.

As a little extra, I’ll put a little review of my and Sceada’s year under the cut - at least I hope it will remain somewhat little. But you know me... Anyhow. I’m placing it under the cut so as not to spam you, and also because I will address some stuff regarding my health and Sceada’s sexuality as well, and I know not everyone is comfortable with that. I’ll mark them with a small header so you can skip them, but I just wanted to warn you beforehand~

With that out of the way, here we go! And for those who don’t wanna read it: Happy 2018!!

The Mun’s Year in Review

Well, you all know that this year hasn’t been an easy one, and I daresay it was a rough one for everyone. Still, I do feel like I should talk a little bit about the hardships I’ve had to face, and the struggles that’ll accompany me for much of the year to come, if not the entire one. So... here goes.

Health

As many of you know, I had a tumor in December 2016, namely an Ependymom that was lodged in my spinal marrow, at about the tenth to twelfth thoracic vertebrae. It had caused me stiffness and loss of sensitivity in my legs, and once we found it, there had been little choice but to remove it asap.

Ever since then, I’ve been needing a wheelchair. And I started 2017 at rehab in the Swiss Paraplegic Center in Nottwil. Mind you, it’s probably the best facility in the world for such a situation, and I learned a ton of stuff, including how to walk again with the help of crutches - still, spending half a year stuck at rehab ain’t exactly fun.

Especially when you also have to relearn stuff like bladder management, using the toilet and what not. Do you want to take a wild guess at how helpless you feel when you can’t even go to the toilet on your own, when you can’t help but soiling yourself because you have yet to regain control over your lower body functions? If you don’t know, you don’t ever want to find out. Gods was I relieved when it all turned out to be functioning properly after all...

And it’s not like it’s been the only health thing that affected me. I needed another eye surgery, for the Keratoconus developing in my right eye after we already had to do the left one last year, and I’ve been struggling to get used to it since then. First with my old glasses, now with the new ones I still cannot wear for more than like two hours at a time... - Oh, did I mention that insurance didn’t cover the 1700.- surgery by the way? Goodbye my savings I had been clinging onto...

And let us not forget that due to my immune system having gotten weaker, I also have this amazing pleasure of falling sick faster! Stomach flu? Come right in and stay three weeks! Dizziness? Hello darkness my old friend! Regular cold? Knock me out for four days, feel free to! Urgh -.-

Add to that a heap of spasms in my left leg that have been present all along, but got considerably worse now that winter rolled around. We know by not it’s not due to the tumor resurfacing (because it can do that, they couldn’t remove it entirely after all without cutting my nerves!) but can you imagine how nervous you get while waiting for the answer? And it’s not like the spasms are any help walking either, rendering me less mobile again after I had improved so much beforehand...

But enough of that. I could sadly go on and on here (I haven’t even brushed my mental stuff yet, oh boy...), but I’ll spare you that. It’s gotten long enough as it is anyhow... Let’s move on to other topics.

Work and Finances

Look, it’s not as though I had a job really when they found the tumor - or actually, yes it is. I may have been in an internship of sorts organized by disability services, but I had a job lined up where I could have started in January - Alas, it never happened. And seeing how I can no longer work my original job in retail (no electronics store will hire someone in a wheelchair. You can’t do the cleaning jobs, can’t fill the shelves and are slow to get around. Plus, how the fuck are you gonna fetch a 55′’ TV from the storage when a customer wants to buy it?), I am now actually trying to find a new purpose for myself. Gladly, disability services will help me with that... though it won’t be easy, and I dunno if I’ll be ready to start a new apprenticeship in summer like they hope. Cause it’s unlikely any spots will still be available...

Still, they are hopeful, and in order to get me back in the swing, they placed me in the same internship/training thing again, starting with just two hours daily. By now I’m in the office the entire morning on weekdays, and it’s going good so far. I’ll be there at least three more months.

And then, who knows? Maybe they’ll send me into finances and banking, or perhaps communal administration? We’ll see.

What is upsetting is the financial situation though. Due to being at rehab, I had to file for social aid - and the money they give me is very, very little for swiss measures. While I was at rehab, it was about 240, now it’s roughly 760 I get - even though I do actually get almost 3500 per month for the internship form disability services. But all that goes to social services to “pay off the debt”... Urgh >.>

For reference, an average 42 hours per week job in retail would pay between 3900 and 4200 per month. So yeah... Granted, they cover my health insurrance (which is 55o-ish per month, mind you!), but it’s still rough... The price levels here in Switzerland are just so damn high...

Social Life

Which leads me to this... I barely ever go out anymore these days. I can’t afford doing much, and what little I do afford is a pain to do due to the wheelchair. I can no longer just spontaneously go somewhere, or attend an event, I always need someone to drive me or even join me - and that inevitably leads to you not doing much anymore, you know?

I barely have any real contact with my rl friends anymore, I at most attend a MTG event every 3 months (PreReleases, nothing more sadly...), my DnD group also fell apart (though that was unrelated)... - Honestly, if it weren’t for you guys here online, especially those who talk to me on Discord and such, I’d be completely socially isolated, and that sucks. It sucks big time...

Gladly my girlfriend sticks with me, believes in me and loves me. Even if I can’t see her as much anymore, as we both can’t really afford the flights to visit each other, which is rather lonely too... We only managed to afford a few weeks in August together, when she visited me here with my room still unfinished. If the paraplegic foundation didn’t have the kindness to pay for her flights and hotel in March while I was still at rehab, that’d have been the only time I’d seen her this entire year....

So yeah. Things aren’t easy right now. Which is why I hope... next year will see improvements. It just has to...

Sceada’s Year in Review

When the last year ended, Sceada was a heartbroken virgin longing for affection and deeply missing the woman he loved, Leonora. He knew who he was though, a talented mage and a scholar of old languages who found work here and there, traveling wherever he pleased and slowly but surely building friendships with more and more people.

If you look at him now, he is instead riddled by insecurities, questions pretty much everything about himself to the point he is neglecting work at times in order to investigate his origins and maybe find his father. And the answers he longs for. Oh, he’s also entered a relationship with Maria and become - and here I quote Locke who was very, very pissed about this a few days ago - an accomplished lover.

But let’s look at things a bit more step by step, shall we?

A brief overview

Following Leonorâ’s prolonged absence, Sceada begins looking for other sources of affection, becoming rather flirty and sometimes even bold with Fran and Selphie, while deepening his friendship with Maria during their trip and afterwards

Sceada and Maria get rather close following him finding her having a nightmare, and staying with her to offer comfort

Leila captures the mage and, after tying him to her bed and appealing to his curiosity, takes his virginity. Later a second encounter occurs, where he they both are drunk at a Festival, before parting ways again.

Upon having spent Valentine’s Day with his friend Maria, Sceada discovers he has developed feelings for her. However, when voicing them, he finds them to be unrequited, and he tries to distance himself from her for a while.

Leonora finally returns, and during the initial happiness the two share a passionate night before the Sage encourages Sceada to follow his heart and pursue Maria, suggesting he could be or become polyamorous.

Sceada spends more time together with Maria, becoming closer again, but is content with just being friends. This changes when the pair are attacked by Coeurls, and Sceada nearly sacrifices himself to protect her, causing Maria to realize her feelings. When he recovers, the two become a pair, and slowly, over time, grow closer and closer.

Conflicted by his feelings for both Maria and Leonora (and to an extent, Leila as well...), Sceada seeks out a Goddess of Love, looking for advice. His silent hopes for reassurance in loving both women are however aptly crushed when the deity questions his motives for loving them, leading him to realize how much suppressed doubt and insecurity he has carried with himself.

Upon trying to tell Leonora more about Maria, Sceada’s motives are once again questioned, leading to an unfortunate argument that exposes a lack of trust on his end that Sceada had not been aware of. Unwilling to let herself be hurt by this any longer, Leonora suggests they part ways - they have not seen each other nor communicated in any way since then.

Sceada tries to forget about it all, hoping he could overcome it all with Maria’s love. However, when she wishes to take their relationship to the next step, he feels guilty over not having told her, and in the subsequent conversation many an uncomfortable truth and emotion are laid bare. Still, the pair reconcile, staying together and eventually consummate on their relationship.

Knowing that he will not be able to ignore the burning questions in his heart and mind any longer, Sceada begins to prepare to leave on a journey, just as the Goddess had suggested. He arranges for the eventuality that he might not return with his old rival Seshat Khnum, but before he can leave, Maria implores him to stay with her until the new year.

Making the most of this opportunity, Sceada holds his advent calendar again, and at the end of the year, attends the Garden Festival organized by Selphie.

Of course, there have been plenty of other plays as well, and I wouldn’t miss any of them. For example, Sceada finally opening up to Freya, or adventuring together with Jack in order to grab a certain book from the library of Burmecia, and all the shenanigans with little Stabby McStabstab Vani the Helfling Rogue - There was so much I adore, and not enough room here to mention them all. Just know that I loved all of our interactions!

A little note about the Smut

Yes, you read that right. I already mentioned stuff further up, but I still wanna note it here too, and add what’s missing up there.

We’ve already seen that he slept with Leila twice and Leonora once before he then got together with Maria, and well... let’s just say that those two may have taken a long time to get started, but haven’t been exactly innocent since - Sindays ahoy, is all I’ll say ;) But there have also been others, which I am not yet exactly certain whether to consider them canon to his main story, or separate cases - there’s merit in both, mind you, and I’ll probably ask the ladies involved eventually too. But who were they?

There is an as of yet unfinished thread with Fran, where the two engage in intimacies in a spring in the woods, after Sceada followed her and her enticing scent. One could argue that this is mainly heat relief, but it is not as though Sceada is exactly unwilling or that he is uninterested in the beautiful Viera...

The few encounters he’s had with Selphie were things got frisky somehow all share a similar pattern: Be it a playful argument, a bet they had or simply because sharing a bed leads to some “friction”, there is always something triggering the situation getting a bit more intimate and well... no one can deny that Selphie is a person you can have much fun with...

I also want to mention Aria, though the way our plays so far have played out, I kinda headcanon it as the two of them having been willing to get more physical three times so far, and Sceada stopping it each time because he noticed Aria wasn’t certain about it, and quite nervous, even afraid at times. And if there’s one thing he wants more than to avoid hurting her, it’s for her to enjoy this decision and not regret it... Perhaps the moment will still come, should we resume playing and point them in that direction.

There are two more ladies I played with, where things are rather kinky. One of them is on Discord and a fellow Black Mage, who’s been tons of tun to write with - the other a blog dedicated to sinful threads. I’ll refrain from naming either for now, as these two are likely to remain their own verses.

Final notes

Finally, I’d like to mention that there is also one more I play with on Discord after she left tumblr, and that her muse Anima is a pleasure to write with in all three verses we came up with. Also, I just wanna thank everyone who played with me this year, and I look forward to continue doing so - as well as meet new people!

Sceada will soon leave on his journey, and that means there is plenty of room for new friendships to be forged, and acquaintances to be made - or rivalries and enmities! I’m open for anything!

With that said, if you’re still reading this, I apologize for rambling for so long. I wish you a very, very good new year and thank you for putting up with me! Have fun tonight, have fun the entire next year, and I hope to interact with you again in 2018!!

Thanks for everything,

Patrick~

[smhtxmhxlland]

If I Lose Myself

Artist: OneRepublic

Relationship: Peter Parker X Reader

Summary: You can feel there’s something wrong, but you don’t know what.

Warnings: CURSE. Heartbreak. 

Word Count: 1,471

Want a Song?

So, you weren’t the best at living. You kind of really sucked at it actually. You never said the right thing. You never knew what you wanted to do. Your future was all but a blur. You finally decided that you were going to start living for people, because making people happy made you happy. It gave you a purpose.

You’d been sitting beneath your tree in the backyard. You’d planted the silver maple when you were only 10 and it had been growing bigger and stronger ever since. It was your getaway. You’d go out there to read and think. It was so peaceful.

Now, you were staring up at the sky through the branches. Looking at the sun through the opening. You were thinking about your family, your friends, all of the people you loved. You had no idea life was going to change. Be ruined and pulled out from under you....sort of like a rug.

Summer holiday was almost over. You’d spent most of it reading, but the other parts of it with your two close friends: Peter Parker and (Y/B/F). You actually had plans with both of them on the last two days of the summer. (Y/B/F) today and Peter tomorrow. It was tradition to give them both a day.

You woke up to the sun peaking through your shades. You stretched a bit, sitting up and immediately grabbing your phone off its charging cord. You had a few text messages which you quickly responded to then went directly to your Tumblr page.

It was a morning routine, really. You’d get up, answer texts, then scroll for about an hour. However, today (Y/B/F) was coming over and you two were supposed to see a movie. 

Deciding to skip the hour of Tumblr scrolling, you hopped in the shower for a good half and hour, then did a bit of your makeup. You didn’t wear much, mostly because you totally sucked at it, but wore just enough to where you didn’t look like a naked baby. You blow dried your hair and made sure you looked somewhat decent in your favorite baggy shirt and pair of skinny jeans. Who were you kidding, though, you always looked stellar. At least that’s what your friends told you. Which, they were kind of crazy. 

You heard the front door open, indicating that your friend was here. You smiled and hopped down the stairs, you keys in hand, ready to head over. Except she had a frown on her face when she stared at you. Your giddy mood faded.

“What?” You asked.

She shook her head, plastering a fake smile on. “Sorry, it’s nothing.”

“It’s not nothing. Tell me what happened.” You could feel the sadness rolling off of her in waves. One of your best traits, you felt empathy for people. More of a curse than anything, half the time your mood depended on that of those who were surrounding you. Which, as of right now, you felt depressing eating at your insides. She was not okay.

She sighed. “You need to stop being so good at reading people, it’s really annoying sometimes. I really can’t tell you what’s wrong. You’ll learn eventually.”

That was the most stupid thing you’ve ever heard, but you didn’t argue. “Wanna go see a movie to make you forget about it for two hours?”

She nodded, a smile sneaking onto her features. “Sounds good, what are we seeing?”

After the movie ended, she still seemed a bit off. More quiet than usually. She wasn’t as bubbly. She was always the one to pop jokes or blare the music while singing along in the car. You glanced at her from behind the wheel and she was just staring out the window.

You weren’t sure if you should ask again. She didn’t seem like she’d tell you before, but maybe you could ware her down and get her to break. You needed to know, the feeling was eating away at your optimism. 

“Can you please tell me.”

She didn’t say anything, but shook her head. She looked uncomfortable as you asked her. Maybe you shouldn’t push her.

“Please?” You were desperate now. She hadn’t been this upset since her first love broke her heart a year ago. She hadn’t had a true boyfriend since, so that wasn’t the problem. Unless she was hiding it.

“Is it a boy?”

She looked at me, her eyes indicating that it was a boy. You were hurt she never told you.

“You’ve kept him from me for this long and let him break your heart?” You were playfully yelling at her, hoping to brighten the mood.

She didn’t look amused. “Not that kind of boy. You’ll figure it out tomorrow.”

You didn’t question her further, but why tomorrow? That was your and Peter’s day. Unless her and Peter were having a secret affair you didn’t know about then you have no idea what she was talking about. You hoped they weren’t either, because she knew how much you loved that boy. What was it?

You and Peter decided to go shopping then walk around the park. His favorite thing to do was shop and yours was the park, so you two had compromised. Plus, he loved ice cream, too, so why not?

“God I am so not ready for school.” You groaned, licking your cone again.

He nodded in agreement, taking a bite out of his, already down to the bottom. Your cone was dripping all over your hand, making you frantically start licking at the melting ice cream. You both sat down on a nearby bench and you took that resting time to grab the napkins from your pocket and begin wiping away at the mess.

“Hey, (Y/N) I have something to tell you.” Peter spoke, finished with his cone.

You nodded, still licking at the side of yours, and gave him your full attention. 

He sighed. “This is so hard.” He whispered mostly to himself.

This worried you. At first you hadn’t thought anything of it, but yesterday (Y/B/F) had been so upset. Your hunch had been right, it might have been Peter to made them like that. 

“You’re dating (Y/B/F).” You blurted.

He stared at you with wide eyes and frantically shook his head. “No! God, no. That’s not even close.”

“Oh thank god. I was so worried you guys had been keeping it from me. She/he was so upset yesterday.”

He didn’t say anything, just waited for you to be finished so he could continue. “Anyway....” He wouldn’t make eye contact with you. 

“What?” You were getting nervous.

“I’m moving. To uh, to Germany?” He said it as a question.

“To Germany.” You repeated it. Not really hearing him as your heart thundered in your ears. 

“Yeah. My aunt got a new job. She uh, said it would be best if we moved there so she could have more money. Also the Stark internship, it’s based over there.”

“Uh huh.” You spoke. This couldn’t be happening.

“Can you look at me?” He asked.

You looked up at him, your eyes meeting. You hadn’t noticed the tears forming until you noticed your vision was blurry. He looked like a blurry little window painting. 

“I’m sorry. I don’t want to move.”

You shrugged, sniffling. “It’s not your fault right? Just gotta leave. I get it. Go off to sea. Leave me here alone. It’s fine, it’ll be okay.”

“Off to sea? Germany isn’t across the ocean.”

You shook your head, smiling through your pain. “I know, I’m joking.” A sob escaped your mouth though before you could stop it.

He pulled you into him and you began crying into his chest. His arms were wrapped around you and he was shushing you like you were a child. In any normal event you’d shake him off, but your heart hurt so bad. What were you going to do without him?

“I’m gonna miss you so much.” You said, your voice barely audible through the gross crying coming from your mouth.

“I know, I’ll miss you too.”

You pulled away, smiling at him now. “Could you stay with me tonight at least? I know I’m losing you and I’m gonna lose myself too for a while, but at least for a night I want to lose myself with you.”

He nodded, pulling you back into his arms. You hugged him tight and closed your eyes, willing it to not be true. But it was and you knew it was. He was going to be gone soon and you had no idea when he was going to be back. He didn’t even know he was your world. He would never know. It would only make this that much harder. 

“I love you.” You whispered.

He squeezed you tighter. “I love you too.”

[academla]

Summer 2017 Update

Hey guys! Finally, another big update post. If you haven’t read these before, I split it into sections: Academic, Financial/Professional, Social, Mental Health, and anything else I feel like. Feel free to skim! (Give this a like if you’re actually reading it because I feel like most people ignore these update posts, which is fine, I’m just curious haha.)

Academic

I go back to school on September 5. I’m super excited, but I think my underlying anxiety has been affecting me a bit.

Classes I’m taking on campus: Classics of Children’s Literature, Abnormal Psychology, and Ethics & Society (an Honors seminar).

Classes I’m taking online: History of World Civilizations Before 1500 & Child Psychology.

Here are some comments on each class so far (I’m nothing if not thorough, guys):

Children’s Lit: Well, Harry Potter is on the reading list, so I’m already there. I’ve emailed the professor already and she seems super nice, so I’m pretty excited. The syllabus is a bit intimidating; I’m sure it will be fine, though, and having a nice professor makes a huge difference.

Abnormal Psych: I’m going to have the same prof as I did for Intro, and I’m really pumped about that (so is she). I’m nervous because the tests are harder and longer, but she was very reassuring that I’ll be fine. There was a whole issue because I thought that Abnormal had service learning linked to it (service learning is basically where you get experience doing things related to the course, so essentially volunteer/internship work) and was planning to use an internship that has been in the works since the winter for that. However, turns out that it isn’t linked. My prof was super nice and said she would be flexible. I emailed my adviser in a bit of a panic, and she informed me that actually service learning is no longer a requirement of my major. So, I’m going to go ahead and do the internship for my resume, but not have to worry about the assignments and grade aspect.

Ethics & Society: I don’t know anything about this really, but I do know that the professor is well-liked and I’ve seen him a few times.

History: Okay, so I hate history. I’m quite well-rounded as a student and I know that I’m lucky that most classes, I do very well in and enjoy. But history just... I don’t even know. My history teachers in the past have all thought I was really good, and I was grade-wise; I simply didn’t enjoy it. So to make this bearable, I know I need to have a professor I like. I was going to take it on campus, and emailed briefly with the professor I was going to have, but he had bad RateMyProfessors ratings and struck me as not very personable or understanding or nice. I checked about online courses and saw that there is one being taught by the director of the Honors College that I’m in, whom I really like and has a great reputation and ratings. Unfortunately there is a $125 fee associated with online courses that I wasn’t aware of, but cost-benefit wise, I really think I’ll be happiest like this.

Child Psych: Oh GOD. Why am I so extra? I emailed the prof once and she was super nice. Then I replied, and since online courses are different from real-life ones in that you don’t really get that ‘getting-to-know-you’ vibe with professors because it’s so remote, I mentioned that I can be an anxious student. I just said basically that means sometimes I’ll ask a lot of questions or check and double-check things for reassurance. I also asked if she was a professor willing to look at drafts or not. She completely got the wrong impression and sent back an email (that was quite final too; signed it “All the best”) as though I had been a hysterical student coming to her with anxiety that I had no idea how to handle. She told me that there are personal counseling services offered by the college as well as the writing center with writing tutors. I’ve had outside counseling for 7 years, and I’m a writing tutor... so that was ironic and also a little embarrassing. Whoops. Honestly, when I get embarrassed about things like that (which I often do) I kind of remind myself that I’m just there to learn and hopefully earn that A, so what they think of me doesn’t matter that much.

All and all, I’m excited for school to start. I want to learn things and take notes and have stuff to do. I also have waves of anxiety, which I’m working very hard to combat with reality checks and focusing on the positives. Oh, and I got an A somehow on my chem accelerated summer course :)

Financial

I have worked two jobs this summer after a lot of miscommunication and lack of clarity:

A preschool, the same one I worked at during my gap year. It was unfortunate because I thought I was going to work full-time there after my chem course, but they didn’t need me because they had so much help. I ended up working Thursdays and Fridays there and Monday through Wednesday at my dad’s job. Now that all the summer help is leaving, though, they’re back to being in desperate need. Everyone there is pretty stressed (and families have been leaving).

At the place my dad works. They produce food and formula for people with metabolic disorders (primarily PKU). I was extremely appreciated there, which was nice, and I got a $4 raise on my second week! They’re desperately understaffed and having problems with their products, as well as not being able to keep up with general demand. I electronically filed faxes dating back to 2016, stuffed envelopes (my favorite), put in tons of orders (one day I put in 34 out of a total 62 orders that day), and by the end was allowed to check emails and reply to some of them. I LOVED the job. However, there’s the possibility I might be able to work there on Fridays during the school year, which I would love. It’s stressful there because there’s so much shit going on and people are basically running around putting out fires all day, but I enjoy my work so much.

During the year, I’m hoping to work at my dad’s job on Fridays, do my psychology internship (if you don’t recall, I’m going to be working at a VA hospital helping with a study on suicide prevention), and tutor! I’m a math and writing tutor. They’re two completely different trainings and types of tutoring, so it should be interesting. Luckily we get to shadow a writing tutor for awhile before being on our own.

I’m not doing well with money, guys. The entire year of 2017, I’ve only made $300 or so. I’ve spent $1,800 on school, even with scholarships, and $940 on medical things such as medication and copays. I did win a $1,000 scholarship which has been very delayed in arriving and I’m praying it will get here by the end of this week or next week so it can be applied to my account. I didn’t work over winter break, which was really my downfall; I needed the time for a mental health break, though... so I’m trying not to beat myself up over it.

Unfortunately it took awhile too for me to lock down my jobs, meaning I only got to work for like 4 or 5 weeks. That really isn’t very much money even with the raise I got. Right now I’m owing $615 per month for my payment plan, and even with tutoring and potential Fridays at my dad’s job, I’m definitely going to lose money. I’m considering taking one winter class online, so I can still work all winter break. That $125 extra fee from my web class sure didn’t help me.

But I must soldier on! I’m going to make sure that none of my money ever goes to frivolous things and never goes to waste. Money is meant to be spent and not hoarded, as my mom reminds me, and it’s okay to spend some on things like going out every so often as well, so I shouldn’t be beating myself up for that (though I still am). School was always going to suck up money. I’m trying very very hard to stay in the moment now and not stress about next semester or worse, what will happen when I get hit with that $30k bill when I transfer and don’t have even close to that much saved.

Social

I’ve changed several times throughout my life socially. In 9th grade, I was extremely social because I needed to be and I had trouble being by myself. It was a lot like that through high school. When I made online friends in 11th grade, they were my social life while drama and bullying and shit went on in real life. Recently, I had a major burst in socialness online, and eventually reached breaking point when I became embroiled in drama.

Look, I’m 20 years old. I’m turning 21 in November. I had to ask myself, why the fuck am I on vacation with family, working on scholarship essays last-minute, and spending my time in the bathroom on my phone dealing with drama with someone years and years younger who’s slandering me to people whose opinions I shouldn’t give two shits about?

That was a big reality check. Because I wanted vengeance, I did. I wanted so badly to expose someone who was gleaning attention and convincing others and spreading half-truths and ruining people’s lives. But then I realized, you know what? That isn’t my goal in life. My goal in life isn’t to tear people down because they’ve torn others down. It’s so, so difficult. I was angry. I was upset. This person violated all of my principles. And we had the evidence against them, we could have potentially won most people over, and I wanted it not for my sake but for the sake of those they had hurt so much more than they hurt me.

But I couldn’t do it. In the end, I called it off. I backed out. I told people to lay off and let karma do its work. I realized how toxic the situation was, how absurd it was for me to be living on the internet when I’m in one of the most exciting periods of my life. How utterly imbecilic I was acting, getting caught up in so much senseless, meaningless, fruitless drama.

After that, I disengaged further from large social groups. I was already overwhelmed by the amount of people always trying to talk to me, so I had to cut myself off from that. And it feels so. Much. Better.

I’ve become more introverted, really. I work all day, then I write fanfiction and watch Netflix and color in my room by myself and I love it. I have any number of people I could hit up anytime and ask to hang out or video chat. But I don’t feel that push, that obsessive need, to be social all the time. Social media became addicting. I still work on that.

I’ve stayed in touch with real-life friends and done things with them when I had the energy, money, and time. Unfortunately my ex and then long-time guy friend both asked me out, and that was incredibly awkward, and the end of that. The trouble with my school is that there are a lot of dual enrollment students who are like, 16 or 17. Much as I love them, I’ve been thirsting for someone my own age with similar interests who I can hang out with. At the tutoring training I attended, I met someone (a guy, oooh). He’s 21 and we had a really good time together. I’m hoping we can hang out once the semester starts! I also met a girl who’s only 17, but she seems very mature and sweet and I also hope to hang out with her.

Things are good socially. I’m always working on that area of my life (with regards to mental health, mostly) but I’m still going strong. I have moments of loneliness for sure. However, I’m happy with myself and happy with my life. That’s what counts.

Mental health

If 10 is completely flawless and 0 is utter breakdown and 5 is rough, I would say my summer has been a solid 7 or 8. Which is pretty damn good!

Areas I’m working on still:

Body image. My ED voice has been loud this summer. That’s probably the area of most concern to me.

Anxiety. It hasn’t been too bad, but with transitions it usually increases, and I’ve noticed myself being more anxious (free-floating anxiety mostly) and irritable in the past few days.

Worrying way too much about others’ opinions. This pretty much traces to the internet. I mean, before I went on hiatus, I had tens of thousands of people criticizing my every word and move. That takes a toll. Moreover, as a fanfic writer, it’s pretty difficult to post things to the internet without craving comments and kudos and hits. I’ve turned off viewing hits for my own sanity, and taken breathers when I felt like I was getting too hung up on the ‘popularity’ of my fics. I write for myself, because I enjoy it. Not for the attention. I just have to remind myself of that from time to time, and I try not to be competitive. It’s really the numbers that get me - the hits and the kudos. I mean, I compare myself to people in different fandoms, fandoms I don’t even write for. It’s so dumb.

All in all, I’m proud of how I’ve been doing. I do have moments of stress mainly about money, but that’s par for the course. I would say I’ve made a 100% improvement from last summer/year and intend to continue doing so, even in light of the impending stressors.

Other

My new favorite movie is Gifted. Oh my god, I love it so much. I’ve seen it like, 5 times (2 of those were illegally whoops). I’ve been fairly active on Snapchat still - add me there edye327. I don’t really have much else to say, except thank you to people who have bought me things from my wishlist that I couldn’t otherwise afford. I haven’t gotten anything recently, but I just wanted to reiterate my appreciation.

If you’ve read this all the way through, reply with the color of your favorite shirt.

Much love,

Edye

[thebottomoftheapple]

The Comeback Kid

HELLO... It’s.Been.AGES.

I owe myself a hugeeee apology for not writing since mid 2017. The Year is now 2019 WOW. Kinda unreal, kinda exciting since welp 2018 was nottttt itttttt. BUT before we go let me recap– as much as I can– of where I left off.

Shortly after my last post (finishing off junior year) I went to Altanta (Suwanne) to stay with Tio Edwin + family WHILE I interned with Resolve Media Group ❤️❤️and it was honestly one of the most amazing yet ordinary taste of adulthood to this day! I first work on the LifeTime movie (Oscar Pistorious) for the first month which was a great learning experience and met some great people. After that, I worked more at Resolve and the amazing Chad, Will, and even Mac. And ofc Jay and Summer! I was an Office PA, Overall Set PA, and Art PA. And honestly though the hours were sometimes unbearably long, I was happy! I was in a grove, I enjoyed getting up and going to working and driving hours through Atlanta traffic everyday. I’m pretty sure I was at my lowest weight at the end of that summer and tan(ish) ugh I miss it a lot. BUT, God willing, I may be back there soon enough, doing what I love! Ahh and after I came back to NY, I went right to another one of my favorite places LONDON💙💙 

London and abroad was something else and there’s no way I could write it all down but the best and worst of those memories I’ll never forget. From LIVING in a London flat to seeing my Dad in Barcelona, running away from the Florence police, looking for my phone off the train tracks of Italian campos, trying my first (and still only) gyro in Greece, birthday peeing in the streets of Budapest, living one of my absolute favorite fairytale lives in Amsterdam, and playing house and thinking I found the love of my life off a foreign tindr swipe 😂. Abroad was truly an amazing experience and I can’t wait to (because I definitely will!) go back for more adventures!

I came back to NY at the end of 2017... with a boyfriend lmao. Well at the time I would have been soooo gee and happy, I really thought I was part of that statistic of people who come back from abroad in a long distance relationship lol.... and then eventually go back and live happily ever after. But nope that didn’t happen but absolutely for the best. But i was really happy and you could tell, I just felt lighter and less mentally/emotionally strained like I had been with previous lovers. WHICH!! is so bad because I feel like that means I put too much emphasis on having romantic relationships in my life. But I think the switch was so different because I had been dealing with BS for so long... Nabil treated me better than anyone, spoiled me tbh, but also gave me more attention and affection than anyone had before... definitely the funnest sex lol, humor, music, and real conversation about real things... which also turned out to be the core of why he was definitely not the one aha... But back to emphasizing relationship, that’s really evident now especially because I haven’t dealt with anyone for almost a year but if I’m being honest it’s actually like 6 months (the devil never stops working haha), which is still long for me and honestly I wouldn’t have it any other way because my life right now has no room for any of that–literally. So that’s been fine... that was a secondary concern, ya know a lil heartbreak but a lot of more lessons learned about myself. And now I’m so used to not dealing with anything of that nature all together that it’s definitely not a priority coming into 2019. (OFC I get in my bag sometimes, think about an old ting, but none of that was ever going to be what I wanted it to)

Thank U, Next! lol no but to get into my biggest concerns this past year, has been about me. Specifically my future/career and what steps to take because now I absolutely have control on what’s next. Oh yeah I graduated college btw, which is the reason why I was (am) so lost because it’s not school! I mean it could be, but I really don’t think it’s necessary. That weighed on me heavy throughout the summer because I did eventually get an internship at NowThis Media, which is where I’m still freelancing at now, but I knew that wasn’t what I wanted to be doing long-term. Lmao yet here I am 🤦‍♀️but no honestly it’s not terrible, it’s great experience/for my resume and money is good enough for someone saving and not paying real bills rn (shoutout to my amazing mother 😭). I have a better plan now but things could change maybe if the position/MONEY is right but we’ll see. The plan is to go back to Atlanta, stay with family again, and see if it’s possible to do what I love and make a living out of it and officially move there. And to do that by the summer I need to start planning now but I’m trying to time everything out. SO there’s that.. I’m praying for the best 🙏🙏🙏

Last but not least, ME, mentally, physically, spiritually ME. Honestly coming out of the great year that was 2017 I thought I was on such a great path and I was but things happen aha... it wasn’t until after graduation that I started to get really sad because of of the whole ‘what am I going to do/what’s my calling’ but I thought it was pretty normal because it is for a lot of people. But I underestimated that sadness because it definitely got worse going into the Fall. I mean not 100% unbearable sadness like 2015 💆Thank God. But I had my moments, like just feeling lost and out of place, not enjoying my daily routine (inc. work, social media), car L’s of course 🙄, friendship tribulations, and just unfortunate events that have messed with my spirit and energy. 

BUT! definitely some good outcomes... health wise: I joined a gym! and have gone at least 1-4 times a week ever since so that’s really good. An interesting/sus older man once told me to invest in yourself and I def have lol. Started being in control/paying for more ���big girl things’ you could say. Learned to leave some things alone that needed to be left. Got closer to some of the more important people in my life. Went out a little more I think, which is deb(t)atably a good thing. A lots more reflection, which I think is where I’ve been lacking because I stopped writing and sorta lost a little sense of self. And I think I did embark on the self-love journey and work on my confidence and speaking up but I think I approached that as my main issues. And yes those are some but I believe I overlooked some other character issues. I was too focused on speaking up and being more out there but sometimes that gets me into worse situations. Sure, I need to speak out more but also I need to be more mindful about what I say and also about what and how much I share with people who are honestly not good for me and my inner peace. It’s a hard balance but that is something I’ll be tackling from now on. And learning it’s ok! to remove myself and not explain doing things that are good for me ( but also knowing when to let go of my pride sometimes). It’s all a balance that I have yet to master but I at least I am aware of it now. Following my gut and making sure internally that I’m good will be a good goal for the year. 

So I guess I’m into goals now 🤗

- Use social media less, way less! I really think this is the source of some of my lost feeling because of the undeniable idea of comparison and blah blah but yeah I feel like I could be doing much more healthier things like reading again!

- Keep up my gym life, and try to do better when it comes to eating too.

-Really try out this Atlanta thing because it’s honestly very accessible and worth the try especially at 22, this is my time to following my dreams and take risks and be afraid but also be brave because my happiness short-term/long-term actually depends on it!

- The last big thing is really that inner peace thing, trusting my gut, being a better me and not something that isn’t me. Addressing my ‘toxicity’ and flaws to be a happier and healthier spirit. 

- Oh and go out less meaning like lituations because honestly clubs, lounges, party functions are really not for me and I’ve accepted that but I think once I  get my life together I will easily avoid those situations bc the fomo/desire to be with the people I care for really be putting me in situations I don’t enjoy lmao wasting so much money, when I can be with them and have fun in actually fun events. 

- And write more duh!

Okay 🙂I think this post is long enough. A good ‘last time in Kiara’s life’ recap of the last ~18months. This is a good start to getting back to a healthier but even better me. I should also start writing down and keeping track of some of my goals. Hopefully through writing here but regardless still writing because I do believe this is a worthwhile, therapeutic outlet. 

SO HERE’S TO 2019 🥂

A prosperous and happy life-changing year! I know big things things are coming. Having patience and facing my fears are really my determining factors of what the year will bring but I know can overcome them. 

Until next time, which will be soon I promise!